I would have been a gentleman and offered to pull the cart, but the yoke just wouldn't fit me. As we journeyed down the road it turned out that the “Mythophilia Virus” was catching. She kept asking me more and more about myself.

Lily didn't want to believe I was a lumberjack. She said that it was impossible to imagine an alien's day job being to chop down trees. When I reassured her that this was indeed the case she seemed... disappointed. I suppose I would be too. If I had just met a visitor from another realm I would expect them to be someone important, like a scientist or a political leader of some sort. Not something mundane like a fry cook or broom pusher.

“What about your family? I'm sure they're worried sick about you.” She asked.

I was rather touched by her concern.

“Don't have any family myself. I was an only child and my folks passed on a while back.”

“No wife? No girlfriend?”

“With an ugly mug like the one I had? Not a chance!” I chuckled.

“Hey, it's not all about looks you know.” Lily chided. The expression on her face told me I had struck a nerve.

“Well, what about you? How come a nice mare like you doesn't have a special somepony?”

Her left eye twitched.

“No reason.” She obviously lied. “I just don't feel like it.”

“...It's Roseluck isn't it?” I asked with an amused smirk.

“YES IT'S ROSELUCK OKAY!?!” Lily shouted. “She's all the stallions talk about. Roseluck, Roseluck, Roseluck! Ughh! Do you know how difficult it is having a perfect friend? She's the best florist, wins all the competitions, she's a successful businessmare and worst of all she's--”

“The prettiest pony in the world.” I deadpanned.

What? It's true. Don't try to deny it.

Lily gave me a withering glare.

“It's gotten so bad lately that poor Daisy's developed an inferiority complex about it.”

(Uh huh. Daisy. Yeah, sure. Sorry Applejack, Lily wins the title of worst liar.)

“Well, Daisy shouldn't compare herself to Rose.” I said, playing along. “Back on Earth, too many perfectly beautiful girls drove themselves crazy comparing themselves to supermodels. There's different kinds of pretty you know. Roseluck has the kind of pretty that radiates and you notice it right away. Some girls have a pretty that you have to take the time to appreciate.”

“I guess you're right.” Lily blushed, and resumed pulling the cart.

(Did... Did I just unintentionally hit on a pony?) Stupid brain asked itself.

“So what's it like on your planet?”

I frowned.

“It's... Humans... don't live in harmony. Our whole history has consisted of pretty much one war after another. We're a violent race, supremely skilled at ruining our own lives.”

“That sounds terrible.” Lily replied sadly.

“Now, don't get me wrong. Humanity isn't all bad. For every horrible scumbag there's another person who doesn't want to cause trouble for anyone. If that weren't the case we would have destroyed ourselves a long time ago. It's to the point where our continued existence is proof that we are worthy to exist.”

Lily chuckled.

“That's a rather enlightened view. No offense, but you... don't exactly seem like the philosophical type.”

“Heh, they say all sailors are philosophers.” I stated.

“I thought you were a lumberjack. Now you're a sailor? Are you just making things up?”

“Sailing was my first job. The navy was great, traveling all around the world and seeing all kinds of new places. Plus, there's no beating a bed on a ship. The waves just rock you to sleep like a little baby. Never understood people who get seasick myself. I always thought it was hilarious whenever I'd see someone scrambling for the side to throw up.”

“I've never been to the ocean, let alone gone on a ship.” Lily said.

“The ocean's awesome, but at the same time kind of terrifying. Especially when you're out in the middle of it. I used to have nightmares about tidal waves all the time. Still, when you're out on the sea the night sky never looked better. Princess Luna rocks by the way. I'd put her at third best pony, right after Applejack.”

“Applejack huh? Yeah, I can see that. AJ's a good gal. Honest, dependable and hard working. Darn pretty to boot, though she'd never admit it. If it weren't for a certain mare I'm pretty sure the guys would be all over her.”

“Eh, they're probably all scared of Big Macintosh.” I surmised.

“Eeeyup.”

If our heads weren't attached, we'd have laughed them right off.

Imagine our surprise when we found the road blocked off. Our jaws dropped at the scene of devastation before us. It looked as if some kind of natural disaster had been through here. There were trees knocked down onto the road as far as the eye could see. Several pegasi were inspecting the scene. A guard pony saw us approaching and held up a hoof.

“Where are you headed travelers?” He asked.

“Ponyville.” We said in unison, exchanging a grin as we did so.

“That's unfortunate. I'm afraid you have quite the detour to make. It seems an ursa major went on the rampage and caused all kinds of problems. The road ahead is blocked for miles and you'll never be able to make it cross country unless you lose the cart. However, the princesses have commissioned a riverboat to act as a ferry. Free of charge. You'll have to get off downstream and make your way to Ponyville from there. Fortunately, it just returned.”

Well, seems like Lily gets to earn the “I'm On A Boat!” achievement after all. One of the pegasi showed us to the river where a very handsome craft was waiting. It was an all white paddlewheel number that looked like it belonged in an old timey movie. A mare in a red dress was painted on the side, performing a high kick. I whistled appreciatively. At the boat. Not the pinup. Well... maybe a little at the pinup.

A mutton chop wearing unicorn in fancy clothes came out to greet us. On his flank was a ship's helm. I assumed he was the captain.

“Name's Fair Winds. How do you do?” He asked, tipping his hat. “Ma'am.”

Lily performed what I assume is a pony curtsey.

“Name's Lily, and I'll be honest, it would be a lot better if we didn't have to make this detour.” She said.

“Nonsense, nonsense! Now you get the chance to ride aboard the Fancy Free, finest riverboat in all Equestria, if I do say so myself.”

Oh he would say so himself. All captains are notoriously proud of their vessels, even if they might as well be a pile of rotting flotsam. Fortunately, this one seemed to be in good shape. The captain took the cart from Lily and secured it to the deck. We had to wait for several hours before launch to take on stragglers.

“So, what's the cargo?” Fair Winds inquired. “I normally wouldn't ask, but since I'm working on commission here there's a bit more paperwork involved than I would like.”

“Oh these?” Lily said, poking one of the sacks in the cart. “These are special competition seeds. My friend Rose made them. They've been magically attuned for performances. She lifted a seed out of her saddlebags and squinted at it. Within seconds it had transformed into a fully bloomed rose. How the hell that was possible I didn't know, since roses grow from y'know... bushes.

“That's amazing!” I exclaimed. Fair Winds seemed equally impressed. He then went back inside to update the manifest.

“Yes yes,” Lily sighed. “The Great And Powerful Roseluck makes everything wonderful.”

Yeesh, she should really talk to Twilight about her friendship problems. Lesson Zero could have been avoided altogether if the purple unicorn had only looked to the PPPTP for a friendship report. Course, then we wouldn't have gotten to see ol' Crazyface in action.

“So what are you doing with her seeds anyway?” I wondered.

“Eh? She's a bit busy right now so I was doing her a favor by taking them to sell.”

It struck me as a bit silly that three good friends all vended different stalls.

“You know, you girls really ought to form a conglomerate. You could have a monopoly on the flower business and RUTHLESSLY CRUSH THE COMPETITION!” I gleefully suggested.

“Hmm...”

Lily scratched her chin thoughtfully. An evil grin crept onto her face. I can just bet that she was imagining their rise from a small town business into a soulless megacorp that ruled the market with an iron hoof.

“Why Fudge, I do believe you've come up with a capitol idea!” Lily declared with a rather posh accent.

“Just remember, when you make it to the top you're a 'Captain of Industry'. Not a Robber Baron, regardless of what the insignificant peons think.” I advised.

“The workers exist to be exploited! Strikes occur so that you know who to fire!” The magenta mare cackled with a twirl of an invisible mustache.

There exists the significant, neigh, extremely high possibility that Lily... is a silly pony.

(Me gusta.) Said Fudge-brain.

Finally it came time to get underway. We were both rather annoyed at having had to wait all that time for not a single soul more to show up. The passengers that were already aboard even more so. It was already late enough that we were going to have to stop somewhere along the way and make it an overnight trip. No sailing downstream in the dark. That would be unsafe. Fortunately, the cabins we were provided with were fucking fantastic.

Fair Winds wasn't just boasting when he said this was the best riverboat around. The whole interior of the vessel made me feel like I was on the set of Maverick. My four poster bed was frigging enormous and comfy as hell, with fancy red silk sheets and the softest pillows I've ever felt. I suspect pegasus feathers. Fluttershy could probably make a killing if she sold her feathers regularly. Heck, it's not like she flies all that much anyway.

As I continued to inspect my sweet digs there was a knock on the door frame.

“Lily?” I asked.

A pair of legs appeared and waved about in mystical patterns before retreating out of sight. Then they returned, a gigantic pitcher of orange juice held in one hoof and a large bottle full of clear liquid in the other swaying back and forth enticingly.

I physically cannot understate that how these hooves were holding things held a much, much lower priority to me than what it was they were holding. Now, I can't read a word of Equestrian. It all looks like a bunch of lines and so much squiggledy shit to me, but let me remind you that I was a sailor. I know a bottle of vodka when I see one. Lily poked her head in, eyes twinkling mischievously.

“While I was just thinking that I could use a drink, I have to ask: How are we supposed to pay for all this? No bits remember?”

“Fudge.” She started, her face growing deathly serious. “Everything's on the house. Courtesy of the royal coffers.”

My jaw hung open in disbelief.

“I'm sorry, I could have sworn you just said something about free booze.”

She nodded, grinning again.

I had just reached Shangri-la, achieved Nirvana and found the Promised Land.

Author's Notes: I am well aware of the possible geographical problems in this story. BUT I DON'T CARE!