A miracle happened. Somehow I didn't have a hangover. Maybe Bacchus was watching out for me or something. I don't know. I could feel the boat moving, so apparently we were already underway. Rolling over, I saw the first of many images that would stay with me for the rest of my life. Sunlight was streaming in through the cabin window, creating a halo of soft morning light around around the bed. Have you ever woken up to discover that your perception of the world has changed? I have. Honestly, I wondered why the angels weren't singing.

There isn't a word that I know of to describe how Lily looked that morning. Even with a crazy case of bed mane, she was... well, beautiful doesn't cut it. It doesn't even come close. How I had ever thought that Roseluck was the prettiest pony became a mysterious mystery. All the stallions in Ponyville must have astigmatism or something because they had to be blind to pass over such a... Yeah okay. Now I'm just gushing.

Lily stirred, stretching her legs and yawning adorably. When she opened her eyes and smiled, I think I died a little.

(Holy shit Pete, get a hold of yourself for fuck's sake!) Brain commanded.

“Shut the hell up, brain.” I told myself.

(Well okay then, I guess you've got it bad. Have fun with that.)

“Oh, I have every intention.”

“Morning.” Lily said in a syrupy voice.

She moved closer and nuzzled my ear. There was some very graphic snogging at this point, but I'll spare you the details.

“Hi.” I finally replied.

“Think there's breakfast?”

My stomach growled. All I'd had to eat since coming to Equestria was a bunch of flavorless grass. In the drunken debauchery of the previous evening, dinner had been forgotten. Also, in off chance that you need a reminder, there was a gigantic fucking bear.

“I sure hope so.”

Lily went into the bathroom and came out a short while later with a mane that was no longer going in random directions. It was however, dripping wet. I swallowed hard. Jebus.

She caught the look on my face and grinned from ear to ear. Then she sashayed out of the room, her tail swishing back and forth. Thanks Lily, looks like it's going to be a cold shower this morning... Oh who am I kidding? TOTALLY worth it.

The fact that nearly everypony else was still passed out in bed meant that we had the dining room all to ourselves. I stared at the spread before me with glistening eyes. Remember where I was complaining about being a herbivore? So as it turns out, all those deserts and sugary stuff that you see ponies eating on the show... are actually a staple of their diet. And mine. Colgate had to be rolling in bits like Scrooge Fucking McDuck. But none of that mattered at the moment. No, not even the chocolate. What did matter, was a barrel that had the distinctive freckled face of my favorite hat-wearing mare painted on the side, winking mischievously.

It was full of apples. And not just any apples, sour apples. My favorite. I approached the barrel with awe. Lifting a fruit to my nose I inhaled the scent. I think... that I may have had a nosegasm. I'm pretty sure you know what happens next: I started chomping apples like crazy.

“Woah, Fudge, slow down. If you eat all those apples you'll get a tummy ache.” Lily admonished.

“FURGET YOU, AH KIN EAT ALL THESE APPLES!” I shouted, cramming more of the crack-like fruit in my face.

Actually, no I couldn't. Maybe if they had been red I could have traveled through applespace, but again, these were sour. Despite my best efforts my lips quickly became so puckered that I couldn't eat another bite. My shoulders slumped. I am disappoint.

Lily laughed at me! Then she gave me a glass of milk, the origin of which I absolutely refuse to speculate on. After relieving my mouth I decided to have some of that aforementioned chocolate. Somepony had come up with the idea of putting frosting on brownies. Oh em gee, can you say 'Sorry Twilight, there's a new smartest pony in town'?

Right about then, a bunch of hungover ponies started to shuffle into the room like zombies. Sirocco flopped onto a bench like a sack of potatoes. She immediately fell asleep again. Zephyr nudged her awake and attempted to feed her. Lily and I watched these poor souls with amusement. They really needed to learn how to handle their liquor, especially when it's free.

“I wonder how long till we reach our destination.” Said my little blonde bombshell.

“No idea, I'm new around these parts remember?” I replied.

Then I saw the look in her eyes. She was not asking for the sake of conversation.

I smirked, leaned in close and whispered in her ear:

“...Cutie Mark Inspector!”

She had to stifle a fit of giggles at that one. Then she gave me that grin that I was growing very attached to.

“321GO!” She yelled, and leapt off the bench, racing for the stairs.

“Hey! You cheatyface!” I shouted, chasing after her.

Yeah, so at this point you're probably rolling your eyes. Maybe you're even one of those people gagging at the amount of saccharine. You know what? I can say with no uncertainty that those hours were the happiest of my life. That being said, fuck you.

I found myself wondering if ponies smoked. Now there's something you'll never see on The Hub. Wait... what the hell am I saying? Everything we just did was something you'll never see on The Hub. God I hope so at least. Anyway Lily sure looked like she could use a light. She was practically melting into the mattress as if her bones were liquid. Now I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. Don't go thinking that I'm trying to brag or anything here. T.M.I secret? She did most of the work.

I lay there feeding Lily grapes from a bowl of fruit I'd swiped from the table before our mad dash, pondering the nature of the two of us. What exactly were we? I mean, we had practically just met. Yet here we were fooling around and being completely silly with each other. Was this just a crazy adventurous fling for her? I knew she had a lot of Rose-based frustrations. Was this her way of working them out? As crazy as it sounds, I had already definitely developed some feelings here, and the idea of just being used was upsetting. Then again, I suppose I had used her a little myself. Dammit Pete, you asshole.

'What's this?' You ask. 'Getting laid causing a man emotional distress?' Again, fuck you.

Then Lily asked the most cliched thing I've ever heard in my life:

“What are you thinking about?”

Oh boy. How to respond? Hell, I'd been honest with her till this point. If I started lying now, Applejack would be disappoint. And I just can't go and disappoint my favorite Cutie Mark Crusader's big sister now can I?

“Well, us Lily. That's... if there is an 'us'. This was all rather sudden you understand, I mean we haven't even gone on a date and I haven't even bought you dinner yet or...”

She gave me the 'You're babbling adorably' look.

“Do you want there to be an 'us'?”

“Well... yeah, I guess I do. You're fun to be around, and not to mention easy on the eyes.”

“Aww. That's sweet Fudge.”

I was rewarded with a peck on the cheek.

“There can be an 'us' if you want.”

Initiate Awesome.exe

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EAT BROWNIES... LIKE A BOSS!
GUZZLE VODKA... LIKE A BOSS!

KILL BEARS... LIKE A BOSS!

GET A GIRLFRIEND... LIKE A BOSS!

“Like a boss.” I whispered.

“What was that?” Lily asked.

“Nothing to worry about. So, what's a babe like you see in a mug like me anyways?”

“I think you're funny. Plus, I like my guys rugged.” She said, rubbing one hoof under my beard and the other across my abs. “Also, you sing real pretty.”

“Really? First time I've heard that one.” I replied, surprised.

“I'm serious. You've got a great set of pipes.”

“Uh... thanks, hotflanks?”

We shared a laugh, then she poked me in the ribs with a grin.

“Serenade me already! Sing me an Earth song. Something sappy, with extra cheese!”

“Something cheesy huh? Hmm..”

I thought about it a while, and then it hit me. I grabbed a banana from our pilfered fruit bowl and used it like a pretend microphone. I then began one of the most gloriously cheesy love songs ever written by the hands of man.

I never got to finish that song, because Sirocco started screaming. Lily and I exchanged worried glances and raced out of the room. For some reason she felt compelled to grab her saddlebags as we left. We made our way down the stairs and out onto the main deck where a scene of terror was taking place.

Zephyr was nailed to the deck, a spear through his chest. A pair of diamond dogs were dragging away a kicking and wailing Sirocco. More dogs were climbing up the sides of the Fancy Free, smashing through windows into the passengers cabins. A pair of small boats had been lashed to the side. One of them seemed to be packed full of ponies, the other was empty.

A one eared dog leapt down from above and pointed a spear at us.

“More slaves!”

Slaves? Oh hell no! I lunged at the dog, catching him by surprise. We fell into a scuffle and I grabbed his spear, yanking it from his grasp and tossing it over the side. He growled in anger and I narrowly managed to avoid him sinking his teeth in my arm. I slammed my forehead into his snout, eliciting a scream. Word to the wise? Bovine skulls are really hard. I stood back up and tossed the dog backwards overhead. There was a satisfying splash.

I turned around and saw three more of them advancing on me with nets in hand. Fuck that shit. I lowered my head and charged, bowling one dog over and slamming into the other two, sending them flying. Unfortunately for me, these diamond dogs had come equipped with a “Watch out guys, we're dealing with a badass over here.” plan. I was hit in the face with some kind of glass vial. Goddamn that hurt, but not for long. Because within a few seconds I was knocked the fuck out.

When I came to I was lying in a heap next to the boats. All the passengers were crowded together in a group surrounded by a ring of dogs with spears. I started to struggle to get up but Lily put a hoof on my shoulder and shook her head sadly.

“There's too many of them. Anyone who fights back dies.” She said. “I don't want you to die.”

Soon we were herded onto the empty boat and began making our way down the river, but not before the dogs set the Fancy Free on fire. We watched it burn to the waterline as it disappeared in the distance. I looked at the ponies on the other boat and saw their faces. They were gaunt, expressionless faces. Everything they had witnessed today was just another event in an unending series of horrors.

I knew then that it wouldn't be long before we looked like they did. What I didn't know was that our situation was about to get worse. Much worse. The nervous looks that the dogs were giving each other should have been a clue. As we made our way downstream, unseen eyes were watching us closely from the trees.

Then the wind shifted, and the dogs began to howl.

Author's Notes

Cutie Mark Inspector has totally got to become a thing.

Also, hey guys, remember that story description? And the tags?
Yeah. So do I.

*sighs and puts his head down*

So do I.