“Sir, we have a problem...”

That was as far as Tzu got before I was leaping out of the bed and rebounding off of the opposite wall towards the door. Tzu attempted to follow my course, but I took the chance away when I sent a tendril around his waist and pulled him into my grip. I interrogated Tzu as I ran.

“Report,” I ordered, the equivalent of an entire line of questioning to the enforcers.

“The city has been swept, sir, but we weren’t able to locate Dopple or any other rogues. I believe you’d like to hear the rest from the source,” Tzu explained simply as he hung from my left hand. I reached the deck a few seconds later and took off immediately.

“Where?”

“Southern quarter, warehouse district. You can’t miss it,” Tzu replied. I adjusted my trajectory to match Tzu’s directions, quickly finding what he had been talking about. Celestia was throwing lances of fire into a crowd of Gammas like her life depended on it, the enforcers in turn were doing their best to put as much cover between the solar diarch and themselves as possible.

“What the absolute fuck is going on here?” I demanded as I slammed into the ground in front of Celestia, releasing my grip on Tzu once my momentum had dissipated.

“Jekyll, get your monsters out of my city. Now!” Celestia ordered angrily, charging another bout of magic.

“No,” I replied, slapping the magic off her horn and leaving some biomass behind for good measure, “Not until you tell me where Dopple is.”

“You would endanger-”

“Your parents died thousands of years ago when Discord pulled out their souls. That’s right, I know,” I interrupted. I noticed Tzu trying to get my attention, but waved him off for now.

“You’re smarter than you look. Fine, search all you want, you won’t find anything,” Celestia conceded, turning to walk away. I sent a tendril into the biomass attached to her horn and pulled her back before she could get very far.

“Nope, you aren’t leaving my sight until I’m satisfied. Tzu, how many wounded are we looking at?” I asked, finally turning my attention to the enforcer. Celestia settled for glaring at me in silence for the time being.

“Nine have lost some biomass to minor burns, nothing too serious,” Tzu replied.

“I get the feeling that this wasn’t the problem you mentioned,” I commented, somewhat surprised by the low numbers.

“You are correct, sir. The real issue is just down this street.”

The Gammas, having nothing else to do at the moment, fell into a defensive position around us as we walked down the street. Celestia was already walking without her cast, but was still limping slightly as she was forced to follow.

“I said get back! This is for your own good you twits!”

“Tzu, was that the captain of Gamma division?” I asked as we closed in on the voice.

“Yes, sir,” Tzu replied.

“I didn’t figure him for the demeaning type,” I commented.

“He’s had a rough day,” Tzu said apologetically. We rounded the side of one of the warehouses to find Gamma-One-One roughly shoving other enforcers away from the entrance, his face locked in a snarl.

“Captain, what’s going on here?” I asked, the other enforcers moving away from the target of my question as I spoke.

“Oh, Boss. Thank goodness you’re here, these idiots won’t stop trying to sweep the inside. I told them it was contaminated but they keep trying to go in,” the enforcer explained.

“You’ve been exposed,” I noted, “What happened?”

“Got to this part of the city and continued our search, I walk in and get a bucket of some liquid thrown in my face for my trouble. Now it’s all over the floor, I’m pissed off, and I can’t tell if this is permanent,” the Gamma continued.

“And your assailant?”

“Dead.”

“You murdered my best lead?” I confirmed, debating whether to keep the captain or have him killed and replaced.

“No sir, he dove through a window and led squads twenty-eight and sixteen-thirty-one on a chase across the city. They brought back his body, said he killed himself when they cornered him,” the former captain explained. ‘Nevermind, he’s staying for now.’

“Where’s the body?”

“Around the corner of the building, I thought keeping it out of sight from the street would be a good idea.”

“You thought right, no visible body keeps panic to a minimum,” I congratulated. I walked around the building towards where the enforcer had said the corpse was, finding a useless hunk of meat. The pegasus worker had apparently been a true believer, as he’d managed to force a dagger through his temple. I couldn’t consume his memories without an intact brain.

“You have ten seconds to convince me that you didn’t sabotage this,” I shouted as I returned to the rogue enforcer, not expecting anything of the sort to have happened but needing to be sure.

“I have been here, any of them can confirm this,” the rogue said without hesitation, waving to the crowd of Gammas standing nearby. They all nodded in agreement, removing any doubt I might have held against the captain of my guards.

“You know, I might have a use for your altered genes, if you’re interested,” I said.

“Earlier today I would have found that comforting, now it just feels like I’m a tool to be used and discarded,” the rogue captain commented. Cheryl had been so similar to a normal enforcer that I hadn’t considered that their priorities might have changed as well.

“Call it whatever you want, I’m offering you the chance to keep your home and family. You’ll get a command too, if you want it,” I enticed, getting the rogue’s attention.

“I assumed that I’d lose the Gammas, but I also thought you’d kill me. I’ll take your deal.”

“Hold up, that shit’s got to go. All of you listen up, two days ago I had to deal with Jeff thinking I was going to recycle him because he didn’t figure out how to deal with a crazy mare right away. When have I ever shown that kind of attitude? I get enough of that crap from Chelly here, I don’t need it from you lot as well,” I ranted.

“Feel better?” Celestia asked mockingly.

“Shut the fuck up, I have enough evidence to justify executing you for crimes against your own nation,” I threatened.

“There goes your little speech,” Celestia added.

“What can I say, you bring out the worst in me. Go home, Celestia, I might actually kill you today,” I replied tiredly, removing the biomass from her horn. Celestia grinned maliciously as she teleported away.

“Is she always like that?” the former Gamma asked.

“Yep. You ready for the details of your new job?”

“Hit me.”

“You are to form a squad out of other enforcers who have been drugged but remain loyal, the purpose of this squad is to investigate and contain locations like this. All enforcers in this squad are to be heavily monitored for signs of treachery, I don’t think I have to tell you what the consequences would be,” I explained.

“Better than I had hoped, I’m in. What do I do now?” the new squad leader asked.

“Grab the squads that chased down your attacker and go back to Abaddon, I’ll meet up with you later. Oh, and he’s going to detain you, I’ll let you out as soon as I get there. Don’t tell the others, I still need them checked for corruption as well. Right now I’m going in there and having a look around,” I declared, walking around the rogue enforcer and through the door he had been guarding.

On the other side of the door was the warehouse’s office, another door on the other side of the room leading into the rest of the building. Inside the office, I found exactly what had been described. A bucket lay in the corner, a milky substance still dripping from the rim, and a broken window leading to a space I couldn’t see from my position outside. A quick sample from the bucket confirmed that part of the Gamma’s story, it was definitely the same substance I had detected in the cells of every rogue enforcer I had consumed. As I walked into the massive storage room, my eyes widened in shock. The entire area was filled with shelves, every shelf was covered in large barrels, and all the barrels had the word ‘Freedom’ burned into the side. I slammed my fist into the nearest one and was rewarded with a familiar milky substance running down my arm. I left the exposed skin behind and retreated from the building, locking eyes with Tzu as I returned to the waiting Gammas.

“Burn it down,” I ordered.

“Sir?” Tzu asked as several enforcers flew off to find something flammable.

“There are hundreds of gallons of that shit in there, maybe even enough to affect Abaddon or another leviathan,” I informed them, still shocked at the amount inside.

“Sir, the Sierras have something for this kind of situation. A ‘fire-worm,’ they’re calling it,” Tzu suggested.

“They need to stop trying to name things,” I complained, “Whatever, show me.”

Tzu formed an odd looking version of the same weapon I had received and fired it into the air, leaving a red streak extending away from our position. A moment later, a thundering explosion shook the buildings and a black shape could be seen arcing over the city. The shape resolved itself into a bloated orange tube as it neared, impacting the building’s roof and shattering the few windows. Fire soon began to lick at those same windows as the building became engulfed, burning away any trace of the chemicals contained within.

“Did I hit it?” Abaddon’s voice echoed. Tzu launched a green flare in response, “Thank you.”

“Tzu, why don’t I have one of those?” I asked, immensely pleased with the results.

“I was supposed to give you this one tonight, but circumstances conspired against me,” Tzu replied.

“And the anti-enforcer weaponry?” I continued.

“The Sierras weren’t eager to make more of the cure, so I sent ten squads of Romeos to retrieve our existing stockpile. Meager as it is, we should be able to get a working model by the end of the day,” Tzu explained.

“Grand, I wanted that done before we attacked Canterlot. I guess it all worked out in the end,” I mused.

“Not how I’d describe it,” Tzu commented.

“Just wait and see. Let’s get back to Abaddon before Chelly throws another hissy fit.”

The sight of two divisions worth of enforcers lifting off and leaving Canterlot could be compared to a swarm of locusts leaving a destroyed field in search of more food, except that Canterlot had only suffered the loss of one building. Once Tzu and I landed on Abaddon we hurried inside before the flood of Gammas could clog the hallways, arriving at the room Luna and I shared shortly after. As expected, there were several enforcers bound to the walls by Abaddon’s tendrils. Among them was the former captain of Gamma division.

“Ah finally, I tried to tell him about our deal but he wouldn’t listen,” the rogue said, relief clear in his voice.

“About that deal,” I began, walking towards the enforcer.

“Jay?” Luna asked, her face curious but her voice was filled with annoyance at the intruders disrupting her sleep.

“One second. Where was I? Right, your squad is Charlie division, that means cleanup and containment. I’ll send them your way as I find suitable members, you’ll be in charge of figuring out how to get the job done and forming your team accordingly. Any questions?” I said to the bound rogue.

“I’m going to be a janitor?” he asked with as much enthusiasm as a convict looking at an electric chair.

“You will be safeguarding your brothers and sisters against the same fate you experienced. You can still turn down this offer if you want, though that would result in your incarceration until the Sierras think of some way to reverse this condition. Fair warning, they haven’t made it a priority yet,” I counseled the captain.

“Any perks to the job?”

“You will have the authority to order other enforcers away from any structure, though they will have the right to retrieve me if they don’t believe there is an actual threat. They will obey that order without question,” I added.

“Deal, when can I start?”

“As soon as another warehouse is located. On that note, Tzu, have the Spooks go through everything about our dead pegasus and find out who he was working for. I’m giving them the authority to conduct this investigation as they see fit, but they should place higher priority on stockpiles of this ‘Freedom’ and where it is coming from than those responsible. I still want names however. One-One, pick a name that isn’t retarded and tell Tzu when you find a room to work out of, he’ll organize the rest,” I ordered, severing the rogue’s bindings with a claw as I finished.

“I’ll get to it then, catch you around, boss,” One-One said as he left to find his new office.

“Sir, the others?” Tzu asked. I looked at the remaining rogues, finding most of them scowling back. One of them was sobbing silently however, fresh tears running down its face as it refused to meet my gaze. I stood back up and walked towards this enforcer, bladed tendrils extending from my back to tear apart and consume the others.

“It took me a thousand years to figure that one out. Why are you crying?” I asked, my neutral tone unsettling the last rogue.

“I don’t want to die,” the enforcer answered.

“A sentiment shared by everything else, but the others weren’t crying,” I pointed out.

“But I didn’t want this! I was happy being a Romeo, now I’m a freak. I just want things to go back to how they were.”

“I can try to rebuild your genes, but I can’t promise you’ll survive the procedure,” I offered.

“Please,” the enforcer pleaded, looking me in the eyes for the first time.

“I remember you. You were part of the squad that helped me make Jeff, I named you,” I commented sadly, remembering the pride I had felt for my enforcers on that day.

“Yes, sir. I’m-”

“Kevin. You were one of the first enforcers I named, did you know that?” I interrupted.

“The second, Dopple was the first,” Kevin answered, nodding.

“Let’s get this done, I promise to do my best to return you to normal.”

I removed the blades from the tendrils on my back and speared them into the Romeo, my entire mind focusing on the reconstruction of every cell in the bioform’s body. At the one hour mark, the enforcer began to seize and thrash against his restraints. Five minutes later, he was dead. I absorbed the remains and returned to the bed without speaking.

“Sir, I-” Tzu attempted. He probably had something encouraging to say, like how he’d have the Sierras figure out a gentler gene therapy. Problem was, I didn’t want to hear anything of the sort at the moment.

“GETTHEFUCKOUT!” I snapped. I heard Tzu jump away at my outburst and run out of the room, this only drove me further into my current bout of self loathing.

“Jay, are you okay?” Luna asked. I continued staring at the ceiling for a moment before responding.

“No, I’m not. I hate this. I hate that something took Dopple from me. I hate that Dopple’s taking more of them. I hate that I couldn’t save at least one of them. And I really fucking hate Canterlot. After this stupid party tonight, I’m having Abaddon relocate to Ponyville. At least they’re fucking friendly there,” I raged, never looking away from the arbitrary spot on the ceiling I had chosen to be the recipient of my anger.

“I’ll tell the court tonight and meet you there,” Luna said softly, climbing onto the bed and pressing against my side.

“Are you going back to sleep?” I asked, debating whether to stay where I was or walk onto the deck.

“No, I’d only get a couple more hours at this point anyway,” Luna replied.

“I’m going to take a walk to clear my head, care to join me?” I proposed.

“That would be nice, I need to think of how to tell the court that I’ll be taking a leave of absence,” Luna agreed.

“You have to get up to go for a walk,” I pointed out.

“Are we doing this again? Can’t we just lounge around for once in our lives?” Luna ranted, throwing her hooves around as she accidentally worked her way onto my left arm.

“I suppose that would work too,” I relented, pushing my arm the rest of the way under her and resting my hand on her shoulder.

“Well, I’m bored.”

“Really? It’s been less than ten seconds.”

“I expected you to fight me on this, now I don’t have an argument to keep me entertained,” Luna whined.

“Then get up,” I reasoned.

“But I’m comfortable,” Luna rebutted, worming her way even further into my side. My hand left her shoulder and transitioned to resting on her stomach.

“So you want to be uncomfortable? I can do that, I was once awarded the Askew Star by the Arch-Mayor of the Awkward Inlands,” I declared proudly.

“That would be impressive, if any of those things existed,” Luna countered.

My hand darted in the general direction of her rear hooves, “Squeeze squeeze.”

“I’m up,” Luna screeched as she spun out of the bed and gracefully alighted upon the floor in the perfect image of how a princess should always carry herself. That is to say, she faceplanted in a tangle of her own legs and managed to throw herself into the opposite wall while attempting to return to her hooves.

“I will lament the day when that no longer works,” I announced in mock regret.

“Go fuck yourself. Grabbing a mare’s teat, have you no shame?” Luna accused angrily.

“Meh, not really. It’s all the same to me, kinda comes with being a shapeshifter. That and hanging around Lucky for as long as I have,” I countered.

“Ug, don’t even say that demon’s name. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have nightmares for centuries from her supposed lesson plan,” Luna groaned.

“You know, there’s an old legend that if you say her name three times while facing a mirror, she’ll appear in the room and make you retake the entire class,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. Luna visibly shivered at the thought.

“And ponies think I’m scary, they have no idea what horrors that mare can conjure. But we’re getting off topic, I’m still mad at you,” Luna said, returning her focus to her anger.

“What, are you looking to get even? That can be arranged,” I replied suggestively, my chest expanding as I spoke.

“I’m going for a walk before you give me some form of mental damage. If you would like to join me, at least make yourself presentable first,” Luna requested with a sigh, though I saw her grin as she walked out of the room. I waited a few seconds before rising and leaving as well.

I headed straight for the doorway that led onto the deck. As I walked, I thought about how I could have prevented the Romeo’s death. I couldn’t think of a single thing I could’ve done differently, but that’s what the Sierras were for. Thinking of the things that I wouldn’t and putting them into action.

“Abby, get my chair out of storage. I need to think for a while,” I ordered as I neared the door. I found my chair waiting for me by the time I passed its threshold, and headed straight for it. I found my pack of cigarettes and lighter in one of the pouches and lit one, savoring the rush of nicotine.

“He wanted you to try,” Tzu said from somewhere behind me.

“That’s not what’s bothering me. It’s the fact that I failed to rebuild one of my own creations, it should’ve worked.”

“The Sierras are reanalyzing the composition of the drug as we speak, they’ll figure out what caused the complication,” Tzu reassured.

“I figured you’d have them do that, thanks. Well, enough moping. Did you see where Luna went?” I asked.

“No, but I do have a couple gifts for you, courtesy of the Sierras,” Tzu replied, forming the flare gun he had used earlier, “The instructions are coded into its biomatter.”

“Sweet, I always wanted to call in artillery,” I said as I accepted the weapon and absorbed it, instantly learning what the different colored flares meant and how to make them.

“I have arms!” Abaddon cheered.

“No you don’t, you have cannons,” I pointed out.

“I have armaments!” Abaddon corrected with no loss of enthusiasm.

“There’s a couple life lessons you should learn from this, Tzu. First: there’s not a problem in the world that can’t be solved with the proper application of high explosives,” I began.

“I’d argue that point,” Luna’s voice echoed from the open doorway. Somehow she could spoil my fun without even being present.

“And second: on the battlefield, fear and respect are interchangeable. Always have the bigger stick,” I finished.

“And in this case the stick means cannon,” Tzu reasoned, looking thoughtful.

“It’s a bit more general than that. Having bigger, stronger, and more deadly weapons can break your enemy’s morale and cause them to surrender before the fight can even begin. But having more of them than the other guy, that’s the real kicker. Take Abby here for example, he’s got the biggest guns on the planet, but a gryphon army wouldn’t give up if it was just him standing there. Give him a couple thousand enforcers armed with those guns the Sierras came up with, and they’ll know that they can’t win,” I explained.

“Superior forces and numbers, it almost seems too simple. But how would that affect the strategy I’ve already implemented for the ponies?” Tzu asked.

“It doesn’t fit them, they’re the underdog in this war. They don’t stand a chance without our direct and inevitable intervention,” I replied.

“Do you really think we’re that helpless?” Luna asked, sounding hurt by my lack of confidence as she finally made her way onto the deck. I took another pull of my cigarette before responding.

“It isn’t about my opinions, I’ve run the numbers and Equestria is coming up short. The gryphons have you beat in the air, the minotaurs and caribou on the ground, and the zebras have magic warding totems to combat your unicorns. Add in that you’re lacking the number of troops you’d need to fight them anyway, and things look pretty grim,” I countered.

“Then it’s hopeless and we should just lay down and let them win,” Luna concluded, stopping just outside of my field of vision.

“If you did that, I’d pack up and move to The Badlands. I won’t fight Equestria’s battles, that just encourages the behavior that started this whole mess to begin with. But if your people will fight for their land, I’ll pull them out of the fire. Be glad that this is because of your sister’s fanatical hatred for me, or I’d just watch the carnage,” I continued.

“What? Why?” Luna asked, finally walking to where I could see her.

“Not my problem. I haven’t sworn any oaths to Equestria, nor do I owe anyone my support. The way it is right now, it’s partially my fault. Chelly was hunting me, that makes it my problem.”

“Jay, I get that you’re in a bad mood, but you don’t have to be so mean,” Luna responded, sounding betrayed.

“In my defense, you walked in on me dropping a hint that my chief strategist should start working on an offensive plan. But you’re right, I’m sorry. How was your walk?” I said in a poor attempt to divert the conversation.

“Evidently too short, you still have those things on your chest,” Luna replied.

“Bah, you act like making myself female is a big deal,” I countered, pulling the lever to extend the footrest and crossing my legs.

“Adding mammaries to mess with me does not make you a mare,” Luna argued, walking in front of me as the previously unknown feature of my chair peaked her curiosity. Once she was in the perfect position, I alternated how my legs were crossed and ensured she got a good view, “Seriously?”

“Why not? It isn’t like I can get stuck like this. Besides, the look on your face is priceless.”

“Are you going to braid my mane too?” Luna mocked, running her hoof through her hair for emphasis.

“Now I’m tempted to do just that. You’ve got me curious about what it would look like,” I commented.

“Fascinating mechanism for this thing. How did you come up with the idea?” Luna asked, ducking her head under the footrest to hide her mane.

“Sir, if I may. The other item I was supposed to give you,” Tzu interjected, holding a pistol version of the previous bioweapon I had been given. I accepted the offered weapon and checked it for any of the strange spines that had covered the previous model, finding none.

“Are these parts made out of dragon bones?” Luna asked obliviously.

“Yeah, their bones are the only thing harder than Chelly’s skull. The perfect material to build a chair out of. More importantly, the only thing I could find that could support my maximum weight without being alive,” I answered before returning my attention to Tzu, “Tell me that they didn’t try to name this one.”

“They’re calling it the deathbringer series,” Tzu replied with a sigh.

“Okay, I’m done with this shit. Make another division, call it November. It only needs one enforcer, just to either stop the Sierras from naming things altogether or to come up with better names. I’ll leave selecting the enforcer to you, just-just pick a smart one. Please,” I ordered, tossing the remains of my cigarette so I could cradle my head in my free hand.

“Did I miss something?” Luna asked, finally removing her head from the inner workings of my, admittedly very advanced, chair. I reached over and cleaned a spot of grease off her cheek with the thumb of my free hand.

“Nothing important, just got a better looking sidearm,” I replied, lifting the weapon and preparing to assimilate it into my arsenal.

“Wait!” Tzu said, waving towards the weapon, “I was also told not to absorb it, the complexity added when shrinking the design makes reforming it quite time consuming. The Sierras recommended that it is carried as it is.”

“Then where were you keeping it?” I asked, confused.

“My torso,” Tzu answered simply, causing me to realize how much storage space I had been neglecting for the last few hundred years. Not wanting to be outdone, I opened a pocket on my right thigh and holstered my new weapon. I couldn’t help feeling like a certain police officer of the robotic variety as I tested my ability to draw and reholster my pistol, particularly since I had the pocket close every time I took my hand away from it.

“Well I feel stupid. Why haven’t I been doing that for years?” I asked rhetorically.

“Doing what, sir?”

“Storing shit inside of me. It’s just so convenient,” I replied, bewildered. Tzu looked like he had something to say but tried to walk away before he could speak, “Speak your mind, Tzu.”

“We’ve used that technique since the beginning, I thought you did as well,” Tzu admitted. It was a good thing I was already seated, or I might have collapsed from the shock and humiliation.

“But-ah screw it, I don’t care anymore. Just go back to whatever you do when I’m not bossing you around,” I said, thoroughly defeated in this mental game. Luna cleared her throat to get my attention.

“If you’re done making a fool of yourself, I’m waiting for you to remove those ridiculous things so I can sit down as well,” Luna griped.

“Not happening, c’mere,” I ordered, sending a tendril around her waist and pulling her on top of me. I made sure Luna landed on her back and quickly maneuvered her so that her head was next to mine with one of my breasts on each of her shoulders.

“Eww, they’re touching me,” Luna complained, attempting to squirm her way out of my grip.

“It’s just biomatter, there’s no difference between this and my hands touching you. It’s probably some of the same cells, I never bother to keep track of them. Honestly, you astound me. How can you go from ‘cram your tendrils down my throat so I can see how you taste things,’ to ‘eww boobies’ in just a few days?” I ranted.

“That was for science,” Luna argued as she continued to struggle.

“And this isn’t? I didn’t stray very far from the average size for my original species,” I countered. Luna stopped fighting me and turned serious.

“Jay, while I understand you’re attempting to expand my comfort zone with these pranks of yours, the comparison between us is making me feel inferior,” Luna stated. I ignored her confession as I moved one hand up and ran my fingers through her mane, finding my target on my third attempt. I yanked the tendril out of Luna’s ear and tossed it away with a disapproving look.

“You don’t need Abaddon’s help to get me to back down, just be honest,” I advised as I returned my form to normal and allowed Luna to get comfortable on her own.

“I couldn’t figure out how to say it,” Luna admitted.

“Just ramble, I’ll figure it out.”

“It’s just-why were they so big? I’ve never heard of any mare with teats that large,” Luna rambled distantly, taking my advice.

“That’s because they’re also used to attract a mate, while yours are purely for foals,” I explained. Luna nodded thoughtfully for a moment before relaxing.

“That makes sense, considering the placement. And considering that it’s a vastly different species from a vastly different world, I find my uneasiness unfounded. You may bring them back, I desire a pillow,” Luna replied with a grin, leaving me wondering who was pranking who.

Luna didn’t move when it was time for her to raise the moon, she simply lit her horn and accomplished the task without looking. The only indication that she was even awake, other than her horn, was a content sigh that escaped her lips when the task was complete. But all things must eventually come to an end, and we only had a half hour left to get to the palace gardens for Fancy’s party.

“Time to get up,” I said, nudging the mare that was sprawled across my chest.

“Make me,” Luna challenged. I decided to use my typical approach, as it was always the funniest. I grew a ridge along my groin and stomach, though it would feel like something else to one who couldn’t see what was happening. Sure enough, Luna’s eyes shot open in panic before something unexpected happened. Her gaze turned predatory and a confident smile spread across her features as she pressed the side of her leg into the ridge and began making a kicking motion.

“Luna-” I was silenced by a light nip to my nose. Whether this would be a hilarious, for me, game of chicken or a new turn in our relationship, we would never know. We were interrupted by a certain white menace.

Elsewhere, a pebble fell to the ground.

“You can be seen from the southern tower,” Celestia announced, her voice devoid of emotion. Luna eeped and fell off of the chair in horror. I simply stared Celestia down, unmoving and unblinking as I chose my next words carefully.

“And you managed to tear yourself away from your voyeurism to drop by,” I noted, “Were you looking to join in or was there some other reason you’re here?”

“I found this, I thought you’d want it back,” Celestia continued in her dead tone, levitating Luna’s bent and long forgotten crown.

“Keep it,” Luna managed through her shock, “I don’t need a crown for ponies to know who I am.”

“It is a symbol of your power and a gift from Mother besides,” Celestia insisted angrily, her rage beginning to break through her mask of disinterest.

“I said: keep it. I no longer wish to associate myself with either King Solarus or Queen Midnight, they were horrible to their subjects and to me. I don’t want my name attached to their legacy of neglect. And if you want me to wear that stupid crown so badly, maybe you should try it on and feel the sliver of metal Midnight left on the rim. Not large enough to cause any real pain, but enough to keep me from ignoring it,” Luna rebutted angrily, finding her hooves and confidence enough to rise defiantly.

“I refuse to believe anything of the sort,” Celestia attempted, clearly taken aback by Luna’s outburst.

“Put. It. On.” Luna commanded.

“No, you lying scandalous harlot, I will not!” Celestia yelled, throwing the crown at Luna. Luna in turn, stepped aside and allowed the heirloom to fall right off the side and into the open air. Celestia screamed in rage and charged her sister, furiously swinging her hooves and horn around. Luna held all the advantages however, being trained to fight enforcers.

Another pebble joined its brother.

Luna lazily dodged or blocked every strike Celestia threw at her. While the two of them would have seemed lightning fast to a normal pony, the combination of her alicorn physiology and her regular training with a few of the Gammas stationed on Abaddon made it seem like Celestia was moving in slow motion.

Celestia finally had enough and created an expanding ball of fire on her horn, causing Luna to step back in shock.

“You would destroy Canterlot over this petty feud?” Luna accused, charging a spell of her own. That caught my attention.

“The chance to finally be rid of that monster is worth the lives. Getting my status as the new queen solidified is an added bonus. Now die you unwanted-” The shot ripped off a solid two inches of Celestia’s tongue, sending her to the ground as she screamed in pain through a mouthful of blood. The spell she had been charging flickered and dissipated as she writhed in agony.

Three more pebbles were added to the growing pile.

“I told you I’d rip your fucking tongue out,” I said from my chair, my pistol held in my left hand and pointed at where Celestia lay.

“You don’t deserve to teach knitting, much less a personal protege on the subject of friendship,” Luna added dismissively before teleporting Celestia away.

“Will she heal from that?” I asked out of mild curiosity.

“Eventually. With any luck, it will take at least a month,” Luna replied, “Nice shot, by the way. I take back my misgivings for these weapons.”

“Thanks, that was actually my first shot where I was actually aiming,” I admitted.

“Then your accuracy was aided by fate itself,” Luna concluded, looking immensely pleased with the outcome.

“More like aided by the projectile, they correct in flight to hit whatever I want. Within reason, of course. I can’t shoot something behind me,” I corrected.

“I’m starting to wish I hadn’t promised to attend that dumb party, otherwise I could just leave a note on the courtroom door and be done with this dreadful place,” Luna grumbled.

“That was an option? Let’s just make a quick appearance and get the fuck outta Dodge before I have to kill off The Wardens,” I suggested, having no doubt that Celestia would find some way to sick her hunters on me.

“What’s their problem anyway?” Luna asked.

“Religious fanatics, kinda like the caribou but way less weird. They believe Chelly is the personification of their god, and her word is law. Alternately, I’m the direct cause of everything wrong with the world and have to die for Chelly to ascend, but I can only be killed by one of her champions. Namely, them. Problem is, while she’s still mortal she can be killed, which would obviously cause the world to implode,” I explained.

“They’re insane,” Luna clarified.

“Yep,” I agreed.

“And Tia tolerates this? I don’t think I could handle a bunch of ponies putting me on a pedestal like that,” Luna continued.

“You might have to after tonight. Beating Chelly in a fight always nets me a couple cults, though it’ll probably just mean some extra enthusiasm on Nightmare Night and a bit of hero worship,” I said.

“I’m still uncomfortable with the thought of ponies looking up to me like that,” Luna commented.

“Could always be worse, I have to keep an eye out for any that pop up in my name. They have a disturbing habit of trying to please me with ritual sacrifices,” I added.

“Disturbing indeed, how does one deal with these groups?” Luna asked.

“I used to personally visit each one and try to tell them off. When that didn’t work, I wrote them a gospel to follow. Turns out that telling people how to live is easier than it seems,” I explained.

“Might I see a copy of this book?” Luna requested. I waved towards her and Abaddon sent one to her with a tendril. Luna flipped through the massive tome, pausing on the fourth page before searching through the rest at an increased speed, “You only wrote three pages.”

“That’s right.”

“With one sentence per page.”

“Also correct.”

“I’d ask you what a prick is, but you’ve defined it well enough on page three. This might be both the best and worst religious text I have ever seen.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m not sure that was a compliment.”

“Doesn’t matter, that’s exactly what I was going for,” I announced, rising and walking over to look at the line Luna was studying.

Page: 2

Don’t be a prick.

“Told you it was easy.”

“And this works?” Luna asked, flipping to the first page.

Page: 1

No one may write in this book except the original author, Jekyll.

“Yeah, actually. I only had to deal with one pony who refused to believe I actually wrote it, Righteous Zeal. Though I don’t think you could’ve dealt with that situation the same way I did,” I answered.

“And that is why this heretical book is really an attempt by the false tyrant Celestia to lead us away from the majesty that is Lord Jekyll,” Righteous Zeal preached, so fixated on the book held in his magical grasp that he didn’t notice the earth pony mare that usually collected the offering walking up behind him.

“Shut the fuck up!” I shouted as I dropped my disguise and beat the unicorn with his own copy of my book.

“Good times,” I commented to no one.

“And they’re harmless afterwards?”

“They disband, no self respecting god would be that ridiculous. I have noticed however, that they always seem to be nicer than before.”

“Would you mind if I used this tome to do the same thing?” Luna asked.

“Plagiarism is beneath you, Luna,” I deadpanned.

“I’ll have to figure it out as I go, then,” Luna relented.

“One thing at a time. Right now, we need to get to the gardens before we’re late,” I reminded Luna, who just stared at me as she teleported both of us to our destination, “And we haven’t been doing that this whole time because?”

“Ah Mister Jekyll and Princess Luna I-I don’t know what I’ve walked into,” Fancy said as he turned to greet us, his eyes widening as they froze on me.

“I don’t know either, there’s a weird yellow haze over everything,” Luna added, swiping a hoof in front of her face in an attempt to clear her vision.

“That’s pollen, just be glad you don’t have my sense of smell. I have to disable it while I’m here just because of how many plants there are. But what were you talking about Fancy?” I asked, tracing the line of the stallion’s sight.

“My apologies Miss Jekyll, but you’re a little uncovered at the moment,” Fancy replied.

“You ponies and your modesty, what you need is some damn consistency,” I complained as I returned my form to normal, again.

“What do you mean by that?” Luna asked as she gave up on waving the pollen out of the air.

“You are both naked, but you have a problem with me being naked unless I’m genderless. I’m honestly tempted to call specist on the whole thing,” I said.

“I’m sorry it’s just that they seemed to be on display, and the-ahem-bedroom parts were at eye level,” Fancy apologized with a blush.

“Yes, I suppose they would be. Were you attempting to attract a mate, Jay?” Luna pressed, bumping me with her hip for emphasis.

“Teasing only works when that isn’t an option. Next time you talk to Chelly, ask her about ‘The Second Awakening’ before you beat her face into the ground,” I responded with a fang filled grin.

“What’s an awakening?” Fancy asked, confused.

“Be glad you do not know, I for one am terrified for the rest of the world that there was another one,” Luna replied, consciously avoiding answering the stallion’s question.

“Moving on,” I declared, diverting the conversation away from classified information, “I trust your guests have been staying away from the statue of Discord.”

“Of course, though I must admit to checking on it when I heard some odd sounds coming from the area,” Fancy admitted.

“It was probably just the guards I have stationed around it, nothing to worry about,” I said reassuringly.

“About your guards, I haven’t noticed any around. Did you forget to send them?” Fancy asked with a noticeably nervous edge to his voice.

“That means they’re doing their jobs, they’re supposed to go unseen until they’re needed,” I replied proudly.

“I see. Well, I’ll trust that you know what you’re doing. Please feel free to mingle with any of the other guests. Excuse me, I expect Princess Celestia will be arriving any moment,” Fancy said, stepping back to return to the other guests.

“Don’t hold your breath,” Luna commented quietly, however Fancy heard and returned to his previous position.

“Excuse me?”

“Chelly’s in the hospital, Fancy. I wouldn’t expect to hear from her for about a month,” I replied, smirking in Luna’s direction.

“Don’t you put this on me! You’re the one who put her there,” Luna argued, kicking my shin weakly.

“I didn’t start that fight,” I countered, Fancy was looking increasingly uncomfortable as he made another attempt to back away.

“You sure as hell finished it!” Luna shouted, leaning toward me.

“Right, ‘cause I’m just going to let her destroy Canterlot!” I yelled back.

Our argument was halted by the sound of a stone falling to the ground.

“Did you hear that,” I asked, my voice dropping. Fancy Pants froze, his eyes locked on a section of hedge to my left.

“One of yours?” Luna replied, just as quietly.

“Not likely,” I said as I crept around the hedge, my claws forming. On the other side, I found Discord’s statue. A quick inspection found a few pebbles and a larger rock at the base, but no visible sign of where they had come from.

“Anything?” Luna called from the other side.

“I don’t know, looks like someone had been tossing stones at the statue. Can’t see why, though,” I responded.

“Troubling, but there’s nothing we can do about it right now. Let’s get back and enjoy the party,” Luna suggested as she walked up.

“I suppose,” I conceded, turning to follow her back to the other ponies in the garden. I made sure to point at the statue with a claw before it was out of sight, a signal to the enforcers on guard to keep an eye on it.

Luna and I returned to the other guests and attempted to make small talk, finding none brave enough to approach either of us.

“Seriously, none of these chickenshits will even talk to us?” I complained, leaning against a tree near the snack table where Luna was helping herself to some shame crackers.

“One would think that at least I would be approachable,” Luna whined, mirroring my thoughts. I had no expectation of finding an intelligent conversation with any of the ponies here except Luna, but I didn’t foresee her having the same problem.

“No faith in me? It’s cool, me neither,” I joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“I may not judge others for their appearance, but I’m not blind,” Luna jibed, walking over to poke at my ribs.

“Ow, my feelings. How will I ever recover from a wound of this nature?” I cried dramatically, falling to my knees for extra effect.

“Perhaps you should consider growing a personality to make up for it,” Luna suggested, facing away from the other guests so they couldn’t see her smile. I flinched as if struck, catching the attention of a few of the others.

“How could you, I thought we were friends? What will Abby do without your constant nagging?” I shot back.

“I am not a nag, I’m simply opinionated. And you can’t make me move out,” Luna declared with a huff.

“Nag,” I accused, rising.

“Stop it,” Luna ordered, stealing a glance behind her to find most of the other guests laughing quietly at the scene we were making.

“Not until you admit it,” I replied, proceeding to poke at her ears while chanting the word ‘Nag’ every couple seconds.

“Cut it out.”

Nag.”

“Jay.”

“Nag,” I continued before I was seized in a blue aura and lifted away, “Hey, no magic. Cheater.”

That broke them, our sibling style fight must have reminded them of similar times growing up. The entire party was openly laughing at our antics and pointing at each other accusingly, I noticed more than a few happy nods from the recipients of said incriminations.

“Thank you, I think we all needed that. How did you know that we had forgotten our roots?” a mare asked as she approached fearlessly. I shared a confused look with Luna.

“What?” we asked in unison.

“We’d allowed ourselves to become enthralled in the culture associated with nobility. We had forgotten how to have fun, we forgot how to be ponies,” the mare admitted sadly.

“Honestly, this is a typical Wednesday around us. I for one had no idea you needed the sticks pulled out of your asses,” I replied, earning myself a glare from Luna for being so blunt.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Uh, how are you so easygoing then?” the still unnamed mare continued.

“It is fairly easy when one hangs around Jay for more than a few seconds, his distinct lack of decorum can be somewhat infectious,” Luna responded, smacking the back of my head with her wing for emphasis.

“Was that a crack at my biology? A little personal, don’t you think?” I accused, tossing Luna a sideways glance.

“You missed your chance, I have no intention of making the same mistake,” Luna replied smugly.

“Daddy’s girl,” I managed before I had to dodge a torrent of fire aimed at where I had been standing.

“Bastard, you know that’s a sore subject,” Luna called, searching for where I had disappeared to. I had simply gone straight up and latched onto the nearest wall.

“Hey Luna!” I called from my position on the wall, “You missed!”

“I can see that,” Luna noted, directing her attention to the tree in an attempt to coax me off the wall. I slid down the wall and rejoined the conversation when I was sure I wouldn’t become a matchstick.

“If I may, was all that really necessary?” the mare asked, visibly shaken by the extremity of our mock argument.

“Nope, but the usual pranks don’t work very well on immortals. We have usually seen them all before,” I replied.

“Speak for yourself, Jay. I would be delighted to engage in some more normal pranks. Perhaps the bucket of water on a cracked door one will be a good place to start,” Luna mused, “Say, I didn’t get your name.”

“I’m sorry Princess, my name is Silk Scarf. It’s an honor to meet you both,” the mare replied.

“Does your whole family follow the clothing theme?” I asked curiously, expecting Fancy to have been an outlier.

“Oh, yes. Well, except for Fleur, but she married into the family,” Silk answered.

“Fleur De Lis? I’m guessing she married Fancy,” I said.

“His brother Khaki actually, he’s just over there,” Silk replied, pointing at a tan stallion busying himself with getting a punch stain out of his shirt.

“Really, I’ve always seen her with Fancy?” I pressed, more for clarification than gossip. Luna, on the other hand, leaned in to hear as much as possible.

“They’re close, really close. Khaki either doesn’t care or he hasn’t noticed, I’m betting on a bit of both. Khaki got the money, Fancy got the brains,” Silk whispered, all too eager to gossip about her family members.

“And they call us scandalous,” Luna commented.

“Excuse me?” Silk asked, now her turn to be confused.

“Jay and I, we aren’t like that, but we’re close as well,” Luna admitted even quieter than Silk had been, forcing the mare to strain to hear her.

“Until we got busted during a game of chicken, anyway,” I added, shaking my head.

“What’s chicken?” Silk continued, her confusion growing with every answer.

“Two players usually, both try to make the other uncomfortable until one gives up. It can get a little suggestive sometimes,” I explained.

“Is that what we’ve been doing? I never had a name for it. You are undoubtedly in the lead,” Luna conceded, bowing in acknowledgement of my skills.

“Are you sure you’re just friends?” Silk asked, her expectation clear in her voice, “I do read the newspapers.”

“Yes, but did you see anything this morning about Celestia admitting to war crimes?” I responded eagerly.

“No, but there was something about an attempt on her life on page three,” Silk replied, sending me into a tirade of curses and insults.

“She fucking knew, Lu. She knew they wouldn’t print the story, she’s just sitting there laughing at us right now,” I raged.

“I highly doubt my sister is laughing at anything right now, you took away her favorite toy,” Luna said placatingly, walking over and placing one of her forehooves on my shoulder to calm me down.

“Do you two ever say anything without leaving out crucial details?” Silk asked in frustration.

“Don’t expect to hear from Chelly for about a month or so,” I warned.

“I see, I won’t pry any further,” Silk replied nervously, quickly retreating to the safety of her extended family.

“There goes another one. I’m getting a drink,” Luna declared, setting off for the punch bowl without waiting for my reply.

“Don’t leave me in this creepy ass place,” I complained loudly as I hurried to catch up.

“Hey Jay, why didn’t you help me fight Tia?” Luna asked as she filled her cup with punch.

“Not my fight,” I answered simply, “You want a little extra kick in that?”

“Really? Are we back on the whole ‘not my problem’ thing?” Luna asked angrily.

“Let me clarify my reasoning. If I got involved in every little thing I came across, I’d end up either ruling the world or destroying it. Believe it or not, I actually like the status quo the way it is right now. The way I balance that out is by not getting involved unless I’m actively affected by the outcome or I’m responsible for it in the first place,” I replied diplomatically, “You didn’t answer my question. Do you want alcohol in that drink or not?”

“Yes, please. I think I’ll need it to tolerate your shenanigans tonight.”

“I have never shenaniganed in my life, thank you very much,” I argued as I sent a tendril into Luna’s cup and added enough alcohol to make it equivalent to wine.

“At least there’s this,” Luna acknowledged thankfully as she downed her entire drink in one gulp and refilled her cup, looking at me expectantly.

“Don’t you get drunk now. We have plans for tonight, remember?” I chided, converting her third cup.

“Yeah I know, it’s just been a long day,” Luna groaned, actually sipping this one.

“Almost over at least. Look, Fancy’s getting ready for a speech or something. We should probably join the others,” I suggested, leading Luna over to a pair of empty seats. I noticed that both of them were larger than the rest and I suspected that these were reserved for Luna and her sister, I took one of them without a hint of shame as Fancy began talking to the partygoers. ‘What’s with the weird getup? He wasn’t wearing that earlier.’

“Honored guests, beloved family, thank you all so much for coming. I’d like to celebrate by having us all wear these cloaks in the spirit of the night, as our lovely Princess is here with us,” Fancy announced, levitating out a stack of dark blue cloaks emblazoned with white spots that resembled constellations. It was difficult to see through the pollen in the air, but it seemed like his magic was a slightly different color than usual. Dismissing the thought, I passed one to Luna and took another for myself. Luna accepted the cloak with a noncommittal shrug and wrapped it around her shoulders, I followed suit a moment later.

“Rather kind of you, Sir Pants, though I don’t understand the gesture,” Luna called out in a reasonable facsimile of gratitude.

“You’ll know soon enough, Witch,” Fancy’s mouth said, but with a different voice. The stallion began laughing maniacally as he tore off his own garment, revealing his exposed spine and broken ribs.

Fancy Pants had clearly been dead for several minutes, as his blood was beginning to clot around the remains of his shredded coat. I absently noted that his organs and most of his ribs were missing as well, though my attention was mostly drawn to the fact that I could no longer feel anything below my neck.

“Do you all like my little gifts? I invented the spell myself, it begins with paralysis, then comes the feeling of being choked as your lungs and heart stop functioning and you die,” Whoever was controlling Fancy’s corpse laughed. Luna’s eyes went wide as she stopped breathing.

“Hey dick cheese, did you forget about me?” I shouted before my head exploded into a dozen thrashing tendrils. I focused on removing Luna’s cloak first, as mine wasn’t hurting me.

Once I had blindly freed Luna, I directed the tendrils to shred my own cloak and restore me to my full power. That completed, I stood and burst my arms into more tendrils to save the rest of the guests before they could be claimed by this insane stallion.

“Damnit,” I swore as the last of the cursed cloaks fell to the ground, Luna and I were the only survivors.

“You live,” the mysterious voice noted, “Oh well, I suppose the death of an entire noble family should still be enough chaos to free him.”

“No,” Luna and I echoed in horror as a thundercrack split the night. No, not thunder. Stone. The sound of stone cracking and falling to the ground, “GAMMAS! Attack!”

As one, two hundred and forty Gamma type enforcers descended on the bizarre creature that was calmly walking out of a tree on the wrong side of the garden. The creature lifted its lion paw and snapped its ‘fingers.’ My small army of guards hit the ground as enforcer shaped marshmallows.

“Luna, find the fucked up pony that did this, I’ve got this bastard,” I ordered, placing myself between the princess and the convict. It was just like my old days in the Order of Iron, placing myself and my legion between some monster or demon and whoever had hired us. Though now I was without my legion, or my guards.

‘Old days, indeed,’ I thought with a feral smile, my form lengthening and growing another set of arms as my legs split at the knee for better stability. The tendrils that served as my hair came alive and rose towards the threat menacingly as I adopted my preferred fighting configuration, long blades on my upper arms and claws on the lower ones.

“I don’t believe we’ve met, name’s Discord,” the creature said amicably, extending its gryphon talon towards me for a handshake.

“You stole my bit, that’s how I introduce myself. I’m Jekyll, last legate of the Order of Iron and warden of the Everfree forest,” I replied with a low growl, ignoring the outstretched talon.

“Oh, I know. You see, in that dreadful statue, I still had most of my sensory capabilities. I could be everywhere and nowhere. I’m not going to fight you, Jay, I owe you too much.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped, both verbally and physically, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Why you’re the reason I’m free, of course. You’ve caused so much delicious chaos over the years that I’ve been able to chip away at that damnable prison until that wonderful fight earlier finally gave me enough power to break free, this little show was just too perfect of an opportunity of pass up,” Discord explained, I dismissed his words as the ravings of a madman. I was downright boring... most of the time.

“What do you want?” I growled, my teeth and jaw assuming the more bestial form they adopted when I got angry.

“The same as you, my friend, the chance to live freely.”

“I’m not your fucking friend. I might’ve believed you if Luna hadn’t told me about how you killed her parents and drove the world insane,” I countered, brandishing my claws as I advanced.

“Killed them? I’ve never killed anyone, there’s nothing more boring than a corpse,” Discord argued from behind me, turning I found him looking under the table. After a couple seconds, he reached under and pulled out a six layer wedding cake.

“How-Never mind. You say you didn’t tear out their souls?” I questioned.

“Oh, I did. But they aren’t dead, they’re just stuck in some rock I found,” Discord answered as he ate the entire cake in one bite, with a fork.

“And the insane world you created?” I pressed, adding a few thousand bladed tendrils to my back to discourage Discord from trying that trick again.

“I am the rightful ruler of this world, should a god not craft the world as he sees fit?” Discord rebutted.

“Fuck, not another one. Chelly’s bad enough with that shit,” I complained, causing Discord to drop onto a mound of stuffed animals in laughter.

“Got you. Believe it or not, I do have a plan for how to keep everything interesting for the next few millennia rattling around in here,” Discord continued, shaking his head and producing a sound akin to a steel ball in a can.

“When you say it like that, you sound a little too much like a daemon of Tzeentch for my liking,” I commented in my best impression of Magnus the Red from a certain YouTube series, returning my face to normal to do so.

“Do I look like a demon to you?” Discord shouted angrily.

“Yeah and I eat demons, bitch,” I responded with another feral grin as I charged.

Author's Notes:

So this one had a lot of firsts and the usual sprinkling of references, both pop culture and other fics. Militia Man joined the team and we all moved our discussion off of this site, just for the sake of convenience. You can expect next chapter to follow at about our usual pace, just with more refined points now that we can hash out every detail. Anyway, the rookie writer phase is almost over and I'm looking forward to perfecting this over the coming months and maybe years.

Militia Man's Editor's Note:

Glad to be on the team. Excited to help bring the story to it's potential, and for all the shenanigans that will probably (definitely) result.