The nutjob didn’t call back. Lucky me. The only guy on the voice box is the alien creature’s friend back home. They exchange “Na”s and “Ha”s, all of which I still don’t understand. Along with the beeping of the devices on this craft, it’s all I hear for the trip. That, coupled with my limbs going dead from staying curled up too long, is making my life just a little more unbearable. But hey, at least they gave me more chips.

It’s a few hours before anything interesting happens. My brain is turning into sludge. I got nothing to do. I’ve looked over the same buttons and switches over and over again. Still no clue what they do. The aliens won’t even let me play with any of them.

Bleh… Just when I’m contemplating jamming my thumbs in my eyes for entertainment, the craft shakes.

Oh hey, something’s happening! The cabin walls shudder from the strain of an outside force. The creatures start flipping switches and pressing buttons like some sort of rehearsed opera. We all bounce in our seats when the intensity of the shaking grows. My internal organs sink down when I feel the craft pushing me up. Are we slowing down? Feels like we’re slowing down, but I’m not so sure.

Something outside roars. The one window we have to the black void, a small, glass circle on the hatch door, glows as flames spurt up the edges. We’re thrown around as the craft violently jerks us side to side.

What the heck is that? Is that a dragon? Are we getting attacked by a dragon?! The aliens don’t seem concerned about this. They’re concentrating on flipping switches and buttons, occasional saying a quick Na or Ha to each other. What are they doing? Don’t they know we’re getting attacked by a dragon?!

Something outside goes bang. The creatures look at each other, then they shrug and go back to work. “Uh, guys?” I say, “I think something bad is going on.”

They look up at me, but since they can’t understand me, they shrug me off and continue what they’re doing. Something else goes bang outside. They don’t even acknowledge that one.

Screw it, ship is sinking. Time to go!

I scurry forward towards the hatch, the same hatch with the flames outside the window. I squish the aliens when I climb over them, and they make their complaints as audible as they can. I reach out to yank the latch open and escape, but a creature grabs my arm before I do so. He yells at me with a loud “Na!”

“We’re falling apart!” I say back. “I’m not sticking on this disaster ship! I want to get out!”

Two of the creatures try to wrestle me away from the hatch, which is hard considering there in no room in here to fight a Blacklight monster griffon. The third creature is frantically pushing all the buttons and switches, as his friends are too busy trying to pin me down. All things considered, the first two put up one heck of a resistance. The latch is only a foot away from my claw, and I’m closing in a little bit at a time!

“Let me go!” I yell, “or we’re all doomed!”

Doom! Oh yes, I can smell it in the air! That dragon’s going to rip us apart! I shove the creatures out of the way and spring for the hatch. I yank the handle, almost breaking it off with my monster strength, and the hatch flies open. Torrents of wind and flame punch me in the face.

I jump past the flaming hurricane and dive out of the craft. I am not dying in that cramped space. If I’m going to die, I’m going to do it out in the open where I can get a chance to fight back! Come here dragon, I got a piece of my mind to-

I smack face first into hard ground. Ow.

As I push myself off the ground, the alien craft I jumped from descends behind me. Large flames billow out from the bottom, slowing it down into a nice landing. Three metal legs stretch out from the sides, and the feet of the legs touch the ground. The large flames die out, and the dragon’s roar disappears with them. One of the creatures pokes his head out and waves at me.

Huh… I feel like an idiot now.

A ladder extends out from the hatch. The creature climbs down, and his buddy isn’t too far behind. They’re pretty calm considering my freak out. Maybe this is just run of the mill stuff for them. I should probably apologize to them for what I did. Maybe I can get them some snacks.

Anyways, where am I? I look around the horizon, and I’m… disappointed? What I see is red, lot’s of red. Only red. The hills and mountains in the distance are red. I look down at my feet, and the soil I’m standing on is red. I’m standing on red, the aliens are standing on red, everywhere I look is red. Red, red, red,red, red. Alright, it’s not completely red. It’s got a slight orange tinge, and the sky is more yellow than red. I wouldn’t be surprised if we landed on Tartarus.

I turn to check what the creatures are doing. One of them takes out a long pole and sticks it into the red ground. A flag waves out from the pole. Alright, so they’re like explorers or something. The flag is to stake a claim. This seems to be a big event for them. They’re all jumping for joy. Good for them. Glad someone is getting something out of this.

As they’re celebrating, one of them looks off to the distance. His big smile instantly turns into a frown. He shouts at the others, and all the aliens turn to stare off. For the first time, they don’t look all that happy to be here.

Don’t know what they’re dumbfounded about. It’s just a big, red rock we’re on. There’s nothing interesting for- What the heck is that?!

I was about to say “for miles,” but that sentence died when I bothered to check what the creatures were looking at. There, off in the distance, is a red magic beam shooting off into the sky. Thick storm clouds are circling the red beam up top. Down below, there looks to be some sort of artificial complex the beam is coming out of. The complex is iron and blocky. It wouldn’t be a welcoming place on any other day, but today it’s extra unwelcoming. The complex is also on fire.

Why is there a burning complex on an alien planet with a red magic beam shooting out of it? From the looks of the creatures, they don’t know either.

Red sparks appear out of thin air in front of us. A moment later, the air flashes in a bright red light. Once my eyes readjusted from getting blinded, I got a good look of what was in front of me. Abs. Big abs.

Connected to those big abs are two meaty goat legs on the bottom, a boulder of a torso on the top, two arms swollen with muscle, and a big angry head with thick horns curving at me. Oh, and all of this is red, because of course it’s got to be red!

The big red meat beast in front of me lets out a powerful howl. A ball of green flame ignites in its hand, and the beast tosses it at me. I jump out of the way, and the green ball explodes past me.

That’s a demon! That's a freaking demon that crawled out of Tartarus! Not fighting that, back to the alien vessel! I turn around to escape, but a blast of hot air hits my face. Flames roar out of the bottom of the craft. The vessel ascends up in the air. One of the green creatures waves at me before closing the hatch, and the vessel rockets up into the sky, disappearing into the swirling clouds. All that is left is a trail of smoke.

A-holes!

The demon behind me sweeps me off my feet with a massive fist. I flip in the air and come crashing back down with a roll. When I get up, the massive demon is running at me.

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope!

I take off in the other direction, milking my monster speed for what it’s worth. But the giant fuck off demon is right behind me. I can hear its hooves go bang, bang, bang every time it takes a stride! Why is this my life?!

The demon chases me towards the iron complex. I dive for an open doorway and dash through a metal corridor. I’m probably leading myself into a corner, so the corridor may not be the best idea. The bad idea gets even worse when I make a turn and find pentagrams and demon symbols painted all over the walls in blood. There’s also a bunch of body parts hanging off the ceiling and a pile of skulls in the corners. Yeah… I’m going to pretend this is all a pretty cool Nightmare Night set up and move on.

The big demon skids around the corner behind me. Oh fuck! I high tail it through the blood room and make my way deeper into the complex. At some point I find a hallway that leads to a bright red light. Eh, this place is a maze. I could jump down a chasm and still be just as lost as I am now. Follow the red light!

When I reach the end of this particular hallway, I enter a massive chamber. In this middle of this chamber is a giant red beam shooting off through a hole in the ceiling. Ah, I think I found that red beam from earlier. I don’t think I wanted to be near it.

The demon chasing me tears out of the hallway after I do. I yelp and keep running forward, but stop myself right as I’m about to tumble over the edge. I turn around, and the demon is about to tackle me into the beam!

Then something more terrifying happens.

The demon raises his arms to strike me down, but something else grabs my attention. A gurgle sounds off behind the demon. The gurgle turns into a grating roar, and globs of blood splatters from the demon’s head. The demon splits completely in half, and its two parts fall to the ground.

A tall figure steps on top of the demon’s remains. The figure is dressed in heavy green armor, and looks at me with a dark blue visor. He’s holding a chainsaw in his hands, but puts it away in favor of a shooter of some sort. The shooter has two barrels. Double the fun.

I wave at the green armored figure guy who just slew the demon. “Uh, thanks for that, Mister. What’s your name?”

The guy pauses for a moment as he looks at me. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he hefts the shooter up and aims the barrels at me.

“Woah, woah, woah!” I say, holding my claws up. “What the heck did I do? I’m not a demon!”

The guy tilts his head to the side. It looks like he’s deliberating what I just said. He thinks for a moment, taps on the shooter, but in the end he just shrugs. Next thing I know he smashes his boot in my face and I go flying off the edge of the platform.

I yell, “Oh, come o”-

Red the beam fills my vision.

All I see is red. Red light. Red energy. Red everything. I think even I’m red. I’m not just the color red. I am the concept of red! Gone is Gilda, the monster griffon. There is only red now.

I hate this red planet.

“Lucario, I choose you!”

What the heck?

The voice came from outside the red. Did the green armor guy say that? Just as I hear the voice, I hear the buzzing sound of energy rushing through my veins. At the same time, I feel my body exit the red and retake form. This all takes place in almost an instant.

Woof, is that sunshine? And is this grass? And is that sky not red? I don’t think I’m on that red planet anymore. That’s great! Now where did I end up this time?

There’s a creature standing a little bit always from me. The best way I can describe the creature is as a person. For some reason Person just fits the description the best. He’s got the posture of the Protoss, and Hard Hat, and the guy that just kicked me in that magic beam a second ago, but this one is different. He’s got some pale flesh and a head of long, brown hair. He’s also wearing a red shirt and some low cut shorts, and is wearing a red bandana on his head. Guess I can’t escape all the red.

“What kind of Pokémon is that?” the creature asks with a girlish voice. Oh snap, that’s not a dude person. It’s a lady person! Now I feel bad for doing that.

A young male voice talks behind me. “I don’t know. I wanted to send out Lucario. This is… what is this?” I turn to find another person of similar physicality as the female over yonder. This one has long pants and a red jacket, along with a headband wrapping around a head of short, white hair.

The female taps her chin with a gloved finger. “He looks pretty cool.”

He? He?! Actually, I’m going to let that one slide. I mistook her gender and she just gave me a compliment, so…

“Well, it’s got wings, so it’s probably a Flying type?” Ha! I wish. I haven’t flow on my own in over a year! The lady pulls out a tiny ball from a fanny pack she’s carrying. She tosses the ball, and it flashes with a brilliant red light. “Go Electrode, I choose you!”

Another, bigger, ball, top half white and bottom half red, materializes out of the red light. I squint to check if my eyes are right. Does that ball have a face?

“Let’s get this show on the road,” the lady yells. “Electrode, use Thunder!”

Sparks emit from the ball, and then a massive bolt of lightning arcs through the air and blasts me in the chest. “WHAGALEBADFOGALLLLUUUUU,” I say. This electrocution thing never changes, does it?

The lightning goes as quick as it came. My feathers smell like they’re on fire. My beak feels numb. Did the lady person do this? That bitch!

“That wasn’t very effective,” the guy behind me says.

The girl throws her hands up in the air. “How?! That has to be a Flying type! He has wings and everything!”

The guy shrugs. “It just wasn’t effective.” Says you! I just ate fifty thousands volts! “Apparently he isn’t a Flying type. My turn. Use Cut, uh… I’ll name you later. Just use Cut!”

Yes sir!

My claws come out and I jump on the white and red ball. I slash it across that creepy face, and it goes spinning across the grass. When it stops spinning, it rolls on its side to reveal its X’d out eyes. Huh, I thought I would chop it in half.

“Wow, one hit KO,” the lady says. She picks up the ball she threw and uses it to return the big sparky ball into the red light. “That’s a strong Pokémon. I’ll have to go with something bigger. Go, Your Mom!”

Huh? Is that supposed to be a name?

The lady throws another ball, and another red light flashes. Instead of another ball, something else comes out. It’s a large creature. Looks kind of like a bear. It’s body is blue and it has a tan belly. When it comes out of the ball, it lands on the ground with a massive thud. That landing went up my bones.

Damn, Your Mom is huge.

“Your Mom,” the lady says, “use Body Slam!”

By some miracle, this large tub of lard stands up on its two feet, then it leans forward and starts falling. It’s not until its shadow is over me do I realize it’s about to fall on top of me. I’m stunned in awe as this freak of a beast descends upon my mortal frame.

Why am I not moving out of the way?

Fifty thousand tons crushes me. The leaves on the surrounding trees shake off their branches from the resulting thud. My monster goop squishes in a pancake from the weight. Oh sweet mercy, how can something be this big without collapsing into a black hole?

From the flabs of fat of the creature, I can hear the other guy say something. “Oh, I got it!” the guy says. “Democracy, that’s what I’ll name this guy.”

“Democracy?” the lady asks.

I can hear the shrug in the male’s voice. “I mean, he looks like an eagle. What else am I going to name him?”

“Isn’t that corny?”

“Can you think of anything better?”

I don’t know. What if you called me by my actual name? Gilda. It’s Gilda. Not that hard to say. I’d shout at him, but this truckload of lard is making it really hard to move anything.

“Baldie,” the lady says. “Alec Baldie? Mister Squawks? Eagle Eyes? Dorkface? Dweeb?”

“Those are terrible,” the guy says. I agree. Please let me end her! “I’m sticking with Democracy. Democracy, use Rock Smash!”

Uh, sure. I’m not smashing any rocks, but I’ll gladly smash this creature in his gut. With the zero space I have, I somehow wind up my arm to nail the bastard with my knuckles. The blow sends ripples up the creature’s fat, and he makes a burp sound. The creature rolls off me and I can’t be happier to see sunshine again!

“Super effective!” the guy yells.

The creature keels over, and I see the X’s glaze over his eyes. I peel myself off the ground and kick him in the side. He doesn’t react at all, but damn it feels good to do that.

“Huh, what the heck is that bird?” the lady says. She beams the creature back in its ball with a red light and pockets it in her pack. “He’s powerful. I’m going to have to bring out the big guns for this. Go, Mister Fish!”

The lady tosses out another ball. From the red flash, a long, thick, blue figure stretches up to the sky. It looms overhead, and a large face looks down at me. The face looks a bit fishy. Looks to be a large eel of some sort. Maybe a leviathan? How can this thing survive out of water?

“Mister Fish, use Hyper Beam!” the lady yells.

The leviathan opens its mouth. A ball of light forms between its jagged teeth. Oh… crap. I’ve had bad experiences with glowing lights where glowing lights shouldn’t be. This is not going to go well for me.

A powerful baseline rattles my bones as a blast of pure energy fries my skin and feathers. AHHH, everything is pain! Why am I not avoiding this?!

After a moment, the light dies out. I’m left standing as a smoldering mess. I smell my own flesh cooking from the eel’s attack. My eye twitches. I think I have some new bald spots.

“How did it survive that?” the lady asks. “That had to be a one hit KO!”

The guy shrugs. “You can’t stop Democracy. Alright, return the favor, Democracy! Use Strength!”

Yes, I will return the favor. My claws shift into the tumor fists, and I charge the giant eel and implode its neck with a right hook punch! Mister Fish goes flying and blasts through a nearby tree. When the eel stops rolling, he turns over to reveal those X eyes the other guys have been getting.

“Critical hit!” the guy yells.

The lady pouts. “That’s just luck.” she puts the giant eel back in the red light. “Wait till I bring out my next guy. Go, Buttface, your opponent’s weak!”

The next ball is thrown, and the red light flashes. The creature materializes before me, though I blink a few times when I see what it is. Is that what I think it is? Is that who I think it is?

Bug Lady?!

There’s no mistaking it. The black figure, those transparent wings, that crooked horn, it’s her. Bug Lady looks stunned to be here. She looks around, confused about her surrounding, but she finally meets eyes with me. Her confused look turns into a death glare.

“Uh, you’re not Buttface,” the lady says.

“I guess we both have mystery Pokémon,” the guy says. “What are the odds?” Greater than I want. “Democracy, use Fly!”

I turn and glare at the guy. Is that a joke? I haven’t flown in a year!

“Ha, he’s confused!” the lady shouts. “New Buttface, use Psychic!”

Bug Lady gets an evil grin on her face. Her horn lights up green, and I light up green. Eh? The next second, the green crushes my body. My guts implode. Every square inch of my being gets squished by the force of Bug Lady’s magic.

The person lady throws a fist in the air. “It’s super effective!”

One moment I feel agony. The next it pops away, just disappears. Everything fades to black. I’m I losing… consciousness…

…

…

…

…

…

This is a story about a griffon named Gilda. Gilda is an ambitious griffon who dreams of baking scones for a living and enjoying a peaceful life. However, after a long and harrowing series of inconvenient circumstances, Gilda now found herself in a new parable. The ambitious griffon wakes up inside an office with one door and no windows. How she got here, no one knows. All she could do was get on her feet and, as the kids say, freak the fuck out.

The griffon jumps around to find the voice. Gilda asks, Where am I? Who’s that talking? Where are you?

Gilda spins in circles, trying to find the voice, but she finds no one. All she finds in this room with one door and no windows is a large computer screen with a keyboard underneath it. A single letter appears on this screen, but Gilda ignores it. Gilda comes from a society where computers don’t exist, so she has no clue what this machine is.

Gilda asks, What’s a computer? And who are you? Where am I?

No matter how loud Gilda yells, no one answers her. It seems she is alone in this office with one door and no windows.

I’m not alone, Gilda says. I can hear you talking. Show yourself!

Despite knowing she is alone, she continues to yell in hopes of someone responding to her. Maybe if she yells enough, someone will come running through the door and tell her to shut up. This hasn’t happened yet, despite all the yelling she’s done, but it might happen.

Still, she persits. She asks, Aren’t you going to answer my questions?

No one runs down the hallway to tell Gilda to stop yelling. Gilda looks at the ceiling and shakes her fists at the god above her, but the invisible god doesn’t respond. What’s the point in yelling your problems at an invisible god who you know isn’t going to help? Maybe if you did things on your own instead of relying on an invisible god, you can find the means to improve your situation. But if yelling at invisible gods makes you happy, then the invisible god is happy for you.

Gilda thinks to herself. She looks at the one door of the room. Maybe there’s something outside of this room? She forgets about the invisible god and goes out the door to see what’s outside.

I’m not forgetting about you, Gilda says. I’m just ignoring you. Stupid voice in my head.

This statement from Gilda is ironic. The voices in her head have been calling her stupid for over a year. How funny.

Hey! I’m not stupid!

She says this forgetting all the stupid decisions she’s made that have all led to this point. Projecting one’s issues onto others is not a healthy way to solve those issues.

What? No, I- Aaarrgggg! Gilda shrieks to the air. Just finish this bit up and send me to the next world!

Gilda doesn’t realize how much effort the narrator has put into making this world for her, and that her words hurt the narrator’s feelings. The griffon didn’t know how much love and care the narrator put into this, and apologizes for her bad attitude.

But I didn’t-

Let’s continue. Gilda goes down the hell, searching for other souls. But no one is there. At some point in the hall, she comes across two open doors in her path. She decides to take the door on her left.

…

I didn’t do any of what you said, Gilda says, crossing her arms in defiance. I’m still in the office.

Gilda also doesn’t realize how patient the narrator is being, and that the narrator could kill her off if he wanted to. But this is Gilda’s story, and it would be rude for the narrator to do that this early in the game. After realizing this, Gilda goes to the two doors and takes the left one.

Gilda asks, Is this a commentary on something? I swear you’re making a commentary about something.

The narrator says nothing else and waits patiently for Gilda to do what he says.

Screw this, Gilda says. I’m above meta! I’m going my own way, without you talking in my head!

Gilda opens a door in the hallway that the narrator forgot to lock- Hey wait! Don’t leave!

I slam the door behind me. The world goes quiet. Is there anyone talking over me? Mmm, nope! I don’t hear anyone. “Good riddance. That narrator guy was getting on my nerves.” Now where am I?

“Hello there,” a voice says. Ah, I’m not alone.

I turn towards where the voice came from and find a person sitting at a desk. The person has a similar figure to that one lady with the big monsters a couple jumps ago. She has long, brunette hair, a school uniform, and a soft smile. Kind of innocent looking. I don’t think she’s the type to try to kill me.

“Uh, hi.” I wave at her as I check out this new place. The room we’re in is a bit odd. It appears to be an empty classroom. It’s completely empty. No tables, no chairs, well, except for the one desk in the middle of the room that the lady is sitting at. Other than that the place is barren. It’s just clear wooden floor and walls all around. Oh, and a couple windows with stars and clouds crawling by. “Where am I?”

“Welcome to the Literature Club,” the brunette says. Her eyes glance over the empty space and her smile dips to a frown for a brief moment. “Or at least, what’s left of it. There’s not much here anymore. It’s just me, waiting for the one I love to return.”

“Mmm, neat,” I say. Crappy place to wait for one’s love, but I guess everyone has their own digs.

“And now you’re here,” she says. “So it’s not as empty as before.” Her smile brightens up. Glad she’s friendly.

“Yes, I’m here.” Not the first place I want to be, but also not the last. Going by the stars and glowing clouds outside the windows, I don’t think we’re in any sort of physical realm. “Sorry I can’t stay long. I’m trying to get back home, and I’m forced to take the scenic route back.”

The lady shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s possible. All you see here is all there is. We’re trapped here, forever.”

“What are you talking about? I just came in through the door.” I turn around and open the door I just came through. “There’s a whole hallway with an annoying narrator just out… side.”

When I open the door, there is no hallway. There is no narrator. The only things beyond the door are the floating stars and glowing clouds.

“I told you we’re trapped,” the lady says. “There is only me, you, and the one I love when he returns.”

“I call bull on that.” I slam the door shut as I walk away from it. This whole day is just getting weirder and weirder. “I’ve been going down some sort of path for too long to just to stop in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know about you, but there’s got to be some way out for me.”

The lady rests her chin on top of her hands. “You’re not supposed to be here, are you?”

The clouds coalesce outside and make a bright flash before dispersing again. “No, I’m not. I’m supposed to be home making scones, but fate had other plans and now I’m trying to get back without losing my head.”

Her fingers tap together under her chin. “I’ll get you out of here. I know how to do that.”

My head snaps to her. “You can? That would be awesome!”

She nods. “I’ll need a moment.”

I can’t stop myself from smiling. This is great. Here’s someone who can actually help me with my problem, unlike those backstabbing green aliens. This is the best thing that’s happened all day! It’s nice to meet someone who isn’t trying to kill-

…

…

…

I slam the door behind me. The world goes quiet. Is there anyone talking over me? Mmm, nope! I don’t hear anyone. “Good riddance. That narrator guy was getting on my nerves.” Now where am I?

“What the hell?” a voice says. Ah, I’m not alone. I turn towards where the voice came from and find a person sitting at a desk. The person has a similar figure to that one lady with the big monsters a couple jumps ago. She has long, brunette hair, a school uniform, and a soft frown. She looks upset about something.

“Uh, hi.” I wave at her as I check out this new place. “Where am I?”

“How do you still exist?” the brunette says. “I deleted you!”

“I- uh…” What is that supposed to mean? “Sorry, that’s a new one on me. You did what to me?”

The chair scoots out when she stands up and slams her hands on her desk. “You shouldn’t exist! There’s no way you can come back if I deleted you!”

Oh no, someone else who’s trying to kill me. Or tried to. I think. “Hold up, I’m confused. Did you try to kill me? I never met you before.”

The lady tosses her hair back and turns away from me. “I guess I did something wrong. This time I’ll make sure you’re gone for good.”

This time? “What’s the big”-

…

…

…

I slam the door behind me. The world goes quiet. Is there anyone talking over me? Mmm, nope! I don’t hear anyone. “Good riddance. That narrator guy was”-

“HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE?!”

I jump out of my skin. Who the heck is yelling at me? Doesn’t sound like the narrator guy. I turn towards where the voice yelled from and find a person standing at a desk. The person has a similar figure to that one lady with the big monsters a couple jumps ago. She has long, brunette hair, a school uniform, and a deep scowl. Her fists are clenched up tight. I don’t think she’s happy to see me.

“Uh, who are”-

The lady throws her fists in the air. “How do you keep coming back?! There’s no reason for you to keep coming back. Only I and the one I love are allowed here! You don’t belong here! This is impossible!”

“I’ll just…” I grab the door handle and sneak through the crack. “…go.”

Before I make it all the way, I notice something. The hallway I came through is gone. There is no narrator, either. The only things beyond the door are the floating stars and glowing clouds.

“This time,” the lady yells, “I’ll get it right.”

“Get what ri”-

…

…

…

I slam the door behind me. The world goes-

“HOW?”

I jump out of my skin. Who the heck is yelling at me? Doesn’t sound like the narrator guy. I turn towards where the voice -

“No, I’m stopping this! I’m putting an end to you right now!”

Every turns to squares. My claws turn to squares. My body turns to squares. My eyes turn to squares. Everything is squares! It all meshes into this weird checkerboard pattern where all the squares stretch and distort. I move a claw, and all the squares go flying all over the place.

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“GAH!”

I slam the door as hard as I can, again. The wood almost breaks from how hard I do it. My head presses against the frame and my breathing turns into a rapid panting. Sweet mercy! What in Tartarus was that?! That was not cool!

I look at my claw. It’s a normal claw. No more squares. Oh thank mercy, I’m back to normal.

What happened? I think that was a lady person. The lady person tried to kill me, I think… I’m not sure. She just yelled at me and then… that happened.

A sob comes up from my throat. I want to go home.

The room I’m in shakes from a distance source. From the sounds of it, I don’t think I’m home yet. Where am I?

Even though I went through the same door as I did before, I’m not in that hallway with the annoying narrator. Instead, I’m in a different room. It’s similar to the room I was just in, but utterly destroyed. The ceiling caved in. The floorboards are either rotting or missing. The windows are smashed to bits. It’s a mess in here.

There’s another door to my left that leads to another hallway. A quick string of pops sound off from that door. They’re followed by several loud cracks that shake the dust off the ceiling. They sound closer than that first sound that shook the room. I wonder if whoever is making that racket is coming closer.

Two griffons run past the doorway. They’re running pretty- Wait, griffons? Griffons?

I rub my eyes. No, those couldn’t be griffons. Could they? I got to be imagining things. I haven’t seen another griffon since, well, since Tanya. And that was a year ago. If those were griffons, does that mean I’m home?

Just to prove I’m not seeing things, a third griffon runs past the door. He glances my way, then stops in his tracks. The griffon’s feathers are all ruffled up and dirt covered. It’s as if he’s never heard of a bath before. He’s dressed in a thick layer of battered clothing. He also has some tarnished metal strapped to various parts of his body. To top it off, he’s holding a shooter, similar to what Hard Had was trying to kill me with. I got to be imagining this. He does not look like any griffon I’ve ever seen.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

He’s yelling at me. I look either side of my. Nobody else here but me. Oh crap, he’s talking to me. “I, uh… I just got here.”

“What is that supposed to”- An explosion sounds off down the way. The griffon snaps his head to look down the hall. “Shit! Never mind. Just get in the fight!”

The griffon grabs a second shooter strapped on his back and tosses it to me. I catch it. It feels cold in my claws. “Uh, how do I use this thing?”

The griffon’s beak slightly drops. He’s giving me the kind of look that asks if I’m stupid or not. “This is not the time to be fucking around! We’re under att”-

A bang sounds off. The griffon’s head splatters all over the door frame. His headless corpse collapses in the hall. I can’t help but yell. “HOLY SHIT!”

Normally I’m not the squeamish type, but this came out of nowhere! This is the first griffon I’ve talked to in over the year. He’s one of my own kind! The same species! In a world of ponies and thousands of other creatures, we’re practically blood brothers! And his brains are all over the wall!

A shadow crawls across the wall of the outside corridor. A hoof steps across the doorframe, avoiding the headless corpse. After the hoof comes the full figure of a pony, a unicorn mare. She’s gray with a brown mane. Looks kind of young. She’s wearing a blue jumpsuit and some metal thing on her foreleg. In her magic she has several different kinds of shooters floating in the air around her, along with a bunch more strapped to her back.

The unicorn’s green eyes scan the room I’m in, up until her eyes meet mine. We stare at each other for a moment, and then all the shooters she’s carrying with her magic swing towards me.

Oh… crap. My claws squeeze the shooter I’m holding. Oh right, I got a shooter! I flick the barrel of my shooter towards the unicorn. That’s about as far as I get before hot lead comes at me with hurricane force. Even comes with the sound of thundering bangs!

The shooters rip though my fresh. My monster powers keep me standing, but damn does that feel like fire! I return fire with my own shooter, or try to. I look at a long hole that’s been drilled through one of the ends. How do I fire this thing?

After what feels like an eternity, the bangs stop, and the unicorn ceases filling my body with metal slugs. She tilts her head and gives me a weird look. “How are you still alive?”

“Genetics,” I say without looking at her. I’m paying attention to my own weapon more than her. I shake the shooter, trying to get it to fire. How does this thing work? I check the side, only to find clusters of metal slugs embedded deep in the shooter’s metal. I think my shooter is the only thing the unicorn mare killed with all her shooters.

A thought crosses my mind, and I stop shaking the thing. What am I doing? I don’t need this junk. I toss the shooter aside and grow out my Tyranid blade. Ah, much better!

The unicorn’s green eyes shrink to pinpricks. I don’t think she expected me to do that. “What the hell is that?!”

I shrug. “Something I picked up from a giant alien demon rhino.”

She stares at me for a moment. “What?”

“Eh, I don’t question this stuff.” That said, I dash for her throat. The unicorn squeals in surprise and unleashes another lead storm at me. She looks like she’s about to crap her pants!

A magic green grid flashes in front of the unicorn’s eyes. Her eyes flicker between the grid points. All of the sudden, the entire lead storm concentrates towards my head. The shooters tear my brains and skull off my body. My body doesn’t care. I can’t hear, see, or talk, but I can go headless. It’s not too different from going commando.

I don’t see it, but I feel my blade spin around as I twirl. It cuts through the unicorn’s flesh. Warm ichor splashes all over me. The tentacles shoot out and dissolve the sliced unicorn, dissolving her flesh into my own goop. With this newly acquired meal, my head grows back, and I blink with my fresh set of new eyes. Fresh out of the oven!

The unicorn’s shooters clatter all over the floor, and on top of that headless griffon. I’m surprised I didn’t trip over the guy while I was blind. The wall is covered with the unicorn’s blood. Jeez, that was gratuitous.

Someone screams down the hall. I look over to find another unicorn. This one is a black mare with a white mane and a red streak in her hair. I don’t see any shooters on her. In fact, I don’t see much on her at all. Just a yellow saddle bag with some pink butterflies on it. Huh, why does that look familiar? The mare covers her mouth with her hooves and looks at me with shock.

I hold up my claw and blade in a shrug. “What?”

Another pony runs around the corner, this one a brown stallion with a Stensen? on his head and two large shooters on his hips. “What’s happening? Who’s attacking?”

The mare points over at me. “That thing killed Little Pip!”

Ah great, I’m going to have to deal with the fallout of what I just did, aren’t I?

A massive pony figure storms around the corner behind the other two. This guy is in heavy armor, kind of like those armored ponies in Blackwatch I fought, but this guy is styled different. He almost crashes through the wall when he makes that turn.

A shooter on his back lights up, and a black objects hurls at me. It’s too fast for my eyes to follow. It flies over my head and explodes in a cloud of shrapnel. The metal bits zip into my flesh and cut me up real good.

AHH! That’s an artillery pony! The artillery pony fires another round, but I’m dashing back into my room before it hits. I am not getting blown up again. Once was more than enough!

The corridor behind me explodes. The arm of the headless griffon flies past my head. Ignore that, not important! I jump out a broken window and dive out the building. Artillery pony can’t hit me if I run fifty miles away from this place!

The wind whips past my face as I race past the floors of the building. This building is taller than I expected. I kind of guessed I was two or three floors up, maybe five. Nope. Looks like I just jumped out of a fifty floor skyscraper! Unless the artillery pony can survive a high fall, he won’t be able to chase me.

There are other sky scrapers around the same height around me. Looks like I’m down town in some city. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is Manehattan. It’s got a similar style of architecture to the buildings, and the same building density, but there’s no way this could be Manehattan. I’m not that lucky.

Wait… the sky is red. When did the sky turn red? It didn’t look red when I was inside the building.

As I plummet further down, I notice movement down below. There are figures walking all over the street below. I think they’re person figures, not ponies. If they’re persons, then I’m definitely not back in Equestria. Figures. Probably another world jump. The persons are wandering about the road in random directions. The place around them is completely trashed. A few are lying on the side of the road. I think they’re dead.

Yeah, this doesn’t look like home at all. Kind of does, but I’m not going to fall for that trick. Bit weird. I find a bunch of griffons and ponies, then I jump out a window and end up in a familiar city in a different world. I think the universe is taunting me.

The street erupts in a shockwave when I land. Persons go flying away from the force of impact. Same old, same old.

I walk out of the crater, and one of the persons lurches for me. This guy’s face looks like it dried out in the sun for too long. It’s pink and wrinkled, and I think his eyes are about to pop out. I side step him and he stumbles past me. After that, another lunges for me, and I dodge him as well. The locals are grouchy. Don’t think I’ll make any friends with them.

I hop out of the crater, ignoring the masses of lumbering persons. I think something got to these guys. None of them look healthy. Their skin is reddish and they got boils all over. Do they have the plague?

The bangs of shooters fill the air. Metal slugs whiz by. Any that hit the sick persons knocks them off their feet and splatters blood all over. A good chunk of the slugs nail me all over. Oh, come on! I just ran away from those gun ponies. Did they really follow me all the way down here?

I turn to face the ponies, tossing up the shield to absorb all the slugs. They all ping against the hardened material. I peek over the edge to see what’s going on. Huh, those aren’t ponies shooting at me. They’re more persons. I think this confirms I jumped to a different world when I jumped out of that window. I’m losing track of where I’ve been so far.

There’s something familiar about these persons who are shooting me. They’re dressed in full black suits from head to toe, with some armor bits and a hood covering their heads. All black, except their eyes. Masks cover their faces, and those masks have eyes that are glowing blue. They’re blue eyes. Wait… Blue-eyes?

Holy crap, these guys are Blackwatch. I just found the person version of the guys who’ve been hunting me for the past year. Just looking at these guys is giving me goose bumps. The uniforms, the shooters, the unyielding desire to kill me, this is uncanny. Am I really seeing this?

If these guys are Blackwatch, then the people wandering the street, I guess they’re infected with Blacklight. They do have the zombie look. So Blackwatch, and Blacklight… I look up at all the tall buildings around me. These skyscrapers, I think they’re part of Manehattan. I’m in Manehattan, or whatever the person equivalent of Manehattan is.

Wow, this is crazy. This feels like if I walked into my home but I found out I walked into someone else’s home by accident, but this someone decorates the exact same as you except in a different color. This feels something like that. I did not expect to find a person counterpart to Manehattan. I wonder if I’m in the person version of Equestria. Is there a person version of Celestia and Luna? Are there person griffons flying around? Is there a person Arctic North that I can kick the shit out of?

I wonder if there’s a person version of me.

The guards continue to fire upon me, but then the ground around them explodes. They go flying past me, and their bodies hit the ground with dull thuds. The infected persons immediately rush for the Blackwatch bodies and rip them apart.

Where the blue-eyes once stood is now a crater. Out of the crater a figure stands. This figure is another person, but looks a bit different from the rest. He has a black hoodie on with a white undershirt. His eyes are hidden in the shadow of the hood. Dark, but otherwise normal looking. I say that, but his arm erupts in a fury of tentacles and turns into a blade that’s almost as big as he is.

I think I just found my person equivalent. Cool. Maybe he’s like a prototype version of me, or the other way around. My shield shifts away and I give the guy a nod. “Sup.”

The guy looks, and he nods back. He turns around, and then monster jumps away to the top of the nearest skyscraper. He runs across its wall, and disappears down a different street.

He seems chill.

Alright, I guess I’m off to go to the next world. As nice as it is to be in person Equestria, I got dumped into the worst part of it. Granted, that guy was the first guy I met on this journey who wasn’t a jackass to me. Cough, cough, green aliens, cough. But I would like to get back to my own home. How am I going to do that?

I look around, and I see an iron disk embedded in the ground. A sewer entrance. Hmm, really, that’s what I’m thinking, a sewer? Of all the places I can jump to, I want to try my luck with a sewer?

Another infected lunges for me. I dodge. Welp, the buildings had ponies who wanted to kill me. The only other option I see is to jump through another window or barge through a door. Those worked out so well last time, didn’t they?

Eh, sure. I’ll try my luck. I already need to shower off the Baneling juices, so what’s a little bit of sludge going to do? I kick the iron disk out of place and gaze down the hole. I can’t see what’s down there. It’s absolute black. That’s reassuring.

Welp, got nothing better. I pinch my nose and jump right in. Any regrets? I haven’t told my parents I loved them in a while, that’s a regret.

Actually… no. It is not.

Everything goes dark. The red sky of person Manehattan disappears above me. One would expect to hit the bottom of the sewer after jumping down a sewer hole, but nope. I just keep falling. Gravity seems to shift at some point, and my fall starts slowing down. Soon a new light shines down upon me. Huh, this actually worked. This would never happen in an actual sewer. I successfully jumped.

The sun blinds me when I reach the light. It’s enough to distract me so I don’t brace for landing. I reach the peak of my fall, then fall backwards again. Going from a fall to another fall, that’s confusing. Doesn’t last long. I land on the ground with a dull thud.

My eyes blink back to focus and I get a good look at the world around me. Safe to say I’m in a different place. The sky is blue, the sun is warm, the ground is rocky. I’m surrounded by brown rock. There’s a few bushes scattered about, along with a few green hills in the distance. Those add some green to this rocky scene. It’s pleasant and all, but those aren’t what grabs my attention.

Up in the air, held up by nothing, are several brick platforms. They’re floating several feet above the ground. They look like they’re made up of brick cubes. How brick cubes are floating in the air by themselves, I have no clue. It’s just… the heck?

I walk underneath one of these brick cube platforms. Seriously, there’s nothing under these things. They’re floating by magic. I jump to try to touch a brick, but the brick shatters when I hardly scrape it. “Jeez!” I shout when the debris showers me. These things are delicate.

Is this some weird magic land? I’m used to unicorns and all that, but this is just off putting. There are more of these platforms floating in the distance, so this isn’t an isolated occurrence. What kind of world did I end up in?

Movement catches my eye. I turn around to face it. There’s a little creature walking towards me. The thing barely comes up to my chest. It’s got a wide brown head and a stout white body. Kind of looks like a mushroom with feet. The mushroom creature has a pair of furrowed eyes and a mouth with tiny teeth poking out of it. Doesn’t look all that happy. Odd creature. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Magic land indeed.

The mushroom waddles up to me. He looks bothered about something. Maybe he’s bothered about me breaking the brick. Are these things important? I hope they’re not important. They break on the slightest touch. Kind of bad to break like that if they’re important.

“Uh, sorry about the brick thing,” I say. “I didn’t know it would break like that.”

The mushroom walks right up to me, opens it mouth, and chomps down hard on my arm.

“YOW!” I shout. Add this thing to the list of things that try to kill me. I fling my arm up, and the mushroom loses its grip and smashes into one of the bricks above me. The brick shatters, and a second creature pops out. Eh?

I hop out of the way. The mushroom lands on its head, and the second creature hops right next to it. The second creature is clearly another mushroom. This one has a red top with white spots. It doesn’t have a mouth or feet, but it does have two dots on its stalk for eyes.

Super, the mushroom has a bro.

I draw out my monster claws, ready to fight these mushrooms off. They don’t come for me. The brown one is flipped over and wiggling its feet in the air, and the red one is sliding in random circles.

Walking mushrooms, floating bricks, I can’t make sense of this place. Is it too late to go back to the person Manehattan? At least things made sense there.

The red mushroom circles around some more, and then it curls towards the brown one. The they make contact, the red one pops out of existence. Yep, still screwy. When the red one disappears, the brown one gets sudden growth spurt. Its body expands all of the sudden, obliterating the brick platform when it shoots to full size. The creatures tilts over and lands back on its feet. Its angry eyes stare down at me, and I look up at it.

How?

The now-giant mushroom opens its mouth. It leans down and swallows me up in one motion. Everything goes black again.

How?

Now I can’t see a damn thing. Monster night vision isn’t helping. Welp, this could be a jump. Could be my death. If this is going to keep going forever I think I’m going to start wanting death. Too many screwy things are happening all at once. I want to go home!

Out of the darkness, a door appears. No ceremony, it’s just there. Yep, this is a jump. I hope this ends soon. I swear, if there’s another jackass who wants to kill me…

I grab the handle and open the door. On the other side of the door, a person greets me with a smile. “Finally, you arrived! Your cheese was getting cold.”