Four o’clock in the morning, that’s how early it is. I’ve been wandering the streets all night, killed some ponies in costumes, and played around with superpowers. All that in one night. I need a drink.

There’s a tin of coffee beans in the pantry. Good, I could kill for some coffee. Technically I did, and so did Tanya. “How about a kick in the teeth for an early wake-up call?” I say to her.

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” she says. The big owl-bird huffs as she tosses the last dead blue-eye I didn’t eat into a pile. That’s the one I kicked off the staircase. He doesn’t look so hot. Now that we got them all in a pile… I don’t know. Do we burn them? Slice them up and trash them?

“Alright, no coffee for you. Do you know what we should do with those guys.”

Tanya shakes her head as she wipes her claws clean. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”

“If you say so.” I reach for the coffee tin, but my big meat claws slam into the cupboard. They’re too big to fit inside. I try picking the tin up by pinching it, but the scythes I got for talons slice the thing in half, spilling beans all over the shelf. This is awkward. Do these things go away or am I stuck like this?

Tanya walks by me, reaches into the shelf, and pulls out a half empty bottle of vodka and takes a long swig. “Having a bad night?”

“You have no idea.” I slam the cupboard shut, but my claws end up slashing it into splinters. No matter, it’s not like we’re going to get our deposit back on this place after all this. But I still need a morning pick-me-up. “So… I died?”

She nods mid drink. “I thought so at least. A lot of ponies died in the outbreak, and you disappeared the same day. I just assumed you died with the rest.”

An outbreak? This is news. “There was an outbreak?”

“Yeah. They’re calling it the Blacklight Plague. It’s a fun one. It messes up the skin, gives you nasty cramps, and turns any living creature into a flesh-eating monster.”

The last thing sounds familiar. “Hmm, sounds bad.”

“It is.” She glances down at my claws. “Would those happen to be related?”

“What, these?” I ask, wiggling the blades around. “Honestly, I have no clue. I woke up a few hours ago and weird stuff like this has been happening to me since. You probably know a lot more than me.”

She takes another swig. “Not as much as you think. I can tell you as much as the next griffon, but it’s not much.”

I nod over to the pile of dead blue-eyes. “Do you know anything about those guys?”

Tanya’s frowns at the bodies. “The Blackwatch thugs? They’re supposed to be keeping the plague controlled in the Redzone, but all they are is a nuisance. You can’t walk five feet in the streets without them pulling you over to check if you’re infected. No clue why they’re here.”

"Didn't you just say they're here for plague control?"

She gives me a deadpan look. "I meant why are they here in our apartment?"

"Ah." I point one of the blades to my chest. “They’re after me. I woke up in a hospital and these guys attacked me. I ate a couple of their guys and fled.”

Tanya’s eyebrow shoots up. “Is that what you did to those two thugs, you ‘ate’ them?”

“Kinda,” I say, shrugging. “I don’t know any other way to describe it. They sort of melt into me, and it feels like I’ve eaten a small snack.”

The big griffon shudders, and then chugs down the rest of the bottle. “Nope, not going to think about it. It didn’t happen.”

“The feeling’s mutual.” It’ll be too soon the next time I see those blue-eyes. Fighting them is fine, but I know I’ll end up eating one or two. It’s not something I want to be doing everywhere I go. “Okay, change of topic. Let’s talk business.”

The owl-lion leans up against the counter. “What kind of business?”

“For starters, why did you let the ponies name the store ‘Scone Quarry’?”

“Scone Quarry? The scone shop?” I give a stern nod. “I thought you wanted that name.”

“No, I wanted ‘Gilda’s Family Scones.’ That’s a much better name by far.”

Tanya shrugs. “I like Scone Quarry.”

My beak drops. “How can you like that? It’s a stupid name!”

“It’s pretty clever if you think about it,” she says. “Although GriffonScone would’ve been better.”

“But it makes no sense! How is my business related to a quarry? I have nothing in common with the stone industry or any sort of rock farm!”

“Pinkie Pie used to work on a rock farm.”

Uh, who? “Pink Pie? Who’s that?”

“Pinkie Pie. She helped you with your scone recipe.”

Nope, no bells ringing. I think I forgot about her. Eh, I’ll let the flashback thing fill me in. The world will fade out and I’ll figure out who this is. Yep, gonna remember who Pinky Pile is.

Let’s go.

Any time now.

“You know, the pink pony,” Tanya says. “The jumpy little nit. Never stops smiling.”

Ah yes, the pink pony. That helps… little. Damn, still no flashback.

“She helped you get Stone Quarry ready for opening.”

Oh right! She… she… Did my laundry?

“Nope,” I say, shaking my head. “I got nothing.”

Tanya lets out a sigh and takes another swig of her vodka, only to realize she chugged the whole thing empty. She shakes her head and looks at me with sad eyes. “What in Tartarus happened to you?”

I toss my arms up, destroying what’s left of the kitchen counter with a quick slice. “I’ve been asking that question all night! I know nothing. All I remember is waking up in a hospital, fighting those blue-eye ponies, and having a few flashbacks to fill the memory gap. I’m as clueless as a hatchling and I got”-

A buzzing sound cuts my rant off. “Flashbang 0-5-3, this is Red Crown. Do you copy?” We both look over to the pile of dead blue-eyes. There’s a tiny green light on each of their uniforms. After a moment of silence, the lights flash yellow. A voice comes out in a broken and cackling tone. “Flashbang 0-5-3, this is Red Crown. Do you copy?”

Tanya and I look at each other. Her eyes are wide, though that’s not saying much since she’s part owl. I mouth a question, what do we do? She shrugs and mouths back, I don’t know.

“Flashbang, if you do not reply in the next five seconds, another squad will be sent in to check your status.” Ah… damn it.

There’s a voice in my head screaming and I bet there’s one in Tanya’s head too. I do not have enough coffee in my system to deal with another batch of Blackwatch goons. What do I say to stop them? Can I say anything to them at all? Will they not recognize my voice and send in goons anyways?

As I panic, the force in the back in my head comes up with an idea, and it wants to bring the worms back. All over my body, I can feel the worms and tentacles warping and twisting in all sorts of places I don’t want to think about. Damn freaky powers, this is the grossest feeling one yet. It’s all up inside me doing who-knows-what to my organs and intestines and oh-sweet-mercy my skin is literally crawling!

The force in the back of my head takes control of me and dives for the body-pile.

The voice crackles again. “Flashbang, we’re sending in”-

“This is Sergeant Sweet Tooth of Flashbang 0-5-3,” I blurt out after grabbing a flashing box and talking into it. What the heck am I doing? Also, that wasn’t my voice. Whose voice came out of my beak?

“Sergeant, what is the status of your mission.”

What should I say? I look back at Tanya, but her beak is so low it’s about to break off and blow a hole through the floor. Oh great, I got another weird power so freaky and weird Tanya is-

The box in my hooves crackles again. Wait, when did I get hooves? Where’d my monster claws go? I check the rest of my body, and I’m not a griffon anymore. My wings are gone, feathers are gone, and I can’t find my beak. Instead, I got hooves, goggles, body armor, and an itch on my back I can’t reach. I’m a pony now. And I’m not just any pony, I’m the unicorn I was fighting. I’ve changed completely! At least the monster claws are gone.

“Sergeant, I repeat, what is your”-

“The apartment is clear!” This isn’t just the force talking. This is someone else, someone more physical. All these words I’m blurting out are coming out naturally. These are the unicorn’s words. “All team members are alive and accounted for.”

“Okay… And the target?”

“Terminated.” Yeah, that sounds right. Maybe I can get these guys off our backs. “She put up a fight and we had no choice.”

“That is not acceptable. The mission was to restrain the target at all costs. Why did you fail this mission?”

At all costs? Are these guys suicide jockeys or something? Another answer comes out of my mouth without even thinking about it. “Patient Zero interrupted the mission. It put up a fight but we terminated it as well.”

The box goes silent. I look up at Tanya. She’s staring intensely at me. Her vodka bottle slips out of her claw and shatters on the floor. She doesn’t notice.

The box cackles again, and we both jump when the voice splits the air. “Your actions have been noted, Sergeant. The result of the previous mission is now inconsequential. Patrol the perimeter until the research team arrives.”

Oh no. “Copy that, Red Crown.” They’re coming. More blue-eyes are on the way and they think they’ll find my body, when all they’re going to find is a pile of broken promises and broken spines. This isn’t good.

“We need to get out of here,” I say.

“Yeah, I get that, but…” She waves a talon around her face. “You might want to change… everything.”

I look down at my pony parts. How do I change back? I think hard about it, really hard, as hard as I can, but all I can think about is the itch on my back. There has to be a trick to making these worms and tentacles do their thing. “Great, I’m stuck like this.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just get out of here. I’m right behind you.” Tanya turns around and rushes through the back doorway and disappears into the bedroom. What’s she doing now?

“Forget about the booze!” I cry out. Wow, yelling with this voice feels weird. “We’ll pick some up after we find a new place!”

“I’m not getting vodka!” The owl-lion pops out of the room with a blue suitcase in her talons. A suitcase…

My eyebrows shoot up. “A suitcase? There’s a goonsquad coming and you want to save a suitcase! What are you going to do with that, count stocks?”

“This suitcase,” she says, patting the top of it, “has all the paperwork I need for all my clients, including your sconeshop. If you want your store back after this outbreak crap rolls over, we’re going to need this!”

“Oh.” I stand there for a moment as Tanya runs for the door. “Good idea. I wouldn’t have thought of that.”

Tanya’s eyes roll wide in their sockets. “That goes without saying.”

“Is that supposed to mean something,” I say before chasing after the big owl-lion.

“It does!” She turns the corner and heads for the stairs. “It means you couldn’t tell the difference between an Equestrian bit and a minotaur’s left nipple without my help!”

I skid around the corner right behind her. I almost crash into the wall. “Are you sure you want to say that in front of your boss’s face? May I remind you your boss has freaky strength powers and eats ponies with tentacles!”

Tanya looks back and throws me a glare. “I’m your accountant. You hired me because, and I quote, ‘the coins are too shiny for me to count.’”

What? I don’t remember saying that! There is no way I’d say something like that about myself. We reach the stairway railing before I can put her in her place. Tanya spreads her wings, jumps over, and spirals down through the air.

I just hop over. My direct approach sends me falling down like a rock. And like a rock, after falling seven floors, I crash into the hard concrete floor and leave a nice, big crater.

“Nice fall,” Tanya says as she gracefully lands next to my impact zone, suitcase still in claw.

“Being a monster griffon has its perks.” I get up with no visible damage and brush the dust off my shoulder. “And for the record, I am excellent with money.”

A quick laugh erupts from Tanya’s beak. “You’re the only griffon I know to lose all her money playing poker with a fish!”

A hoof zooms past her face and smashes a hole in the wall. I lock eyes with her. Tanya gets the message and shuts up.

“Now where are we going?” I ask, taking lead in front of the owl-lion.

“Well, I can’t go back to sleep. I got a meeting with some clients at nine, so I can’t babysit you,” Tanya says. “Go bug one of your pony friends, like Rarity. She tolerates you.”

My nose scrunches up when I hear the name. Rarity… Rarity… “Who’s Rarity?”

Tanya’s claw smacks her face. “Sweet mercy, please tell me there’s one thing you didn’t forget.”

“I own a shop named ‘Gilda’s Family Scones.’” If I didn’t have a blue-eye mask my face, she’d see my shit-eating grin. “Trust me, no one’s more irritated about this whole amnesia thing than”-

A different voice interrupts us. “Sergeant Sweet Tooth! I’m glad to see you. How’s it going, ol’ buddy?”

Tanya and I freeze. Blocking the exit to the building of the building is another squad of Blackwatch goons. The closest to us, the one with different goggles and yellow markings, who I presume is the leader, is walking right up to me.

“Oh, you know,” I say, trying to choke back a string of swears, “Patrolling the perimeter, boring stuff.”

“Good to hear!” The blue-eye give me a pat on the back. He glances at Tanya, who’s looking rather pale right now. “Say, I thought command said you guys killed the griffon?”

Is there sweat coming out of my clothing? I think there is. Oh boy, this does not look good. I’m looking at Tanya for answers, but I know she can’t help. How could she get us out of-

“I’m a different griffon,” Tanya blurts out.

“There’s more than one?” The blue-eye asks. I can’t see under his mask so I don’t know if he’s buying this. Might as well play along.

“Yeah,” I say, nodding in agreement. “She’s a captive. Control wants to interrogate her, so I’m taking her there personally.” Was that convincing? I hope I’m convincing.

The blue-eye grunts and walks by me. “Alright then, carry on. I’ll see you in the mess hall.”

The other blue eyes walk past us. Not all of them are dressed in the blue-eye, black-armor get up. Some ponies are dressed in blue… trash bags? They’re walking trashbags with visors in front of their faces. The visors seem to be one-way mirrors, so I can’t see what the ponies inside look like.

Once they pass, Tanya and I let out a breath. I nod towards the door once Blackwatch clears, and Tanya follows my tail. Once the goons get to the seventh floor, they’ll find what’s left of their buddies and they’ll figure out what actually happened and they’ll come after us.

Too bad we won’t be around to have a nice little chat when they do find out. We book it. Tanya flies, I gallop with super speed. The owl-bird isn’t the fastest of fliers, but damn did my ego grow a little when I outran my finance advisor. Once I felt we were too far to be followed, we turn into a dark corner of an alley, out of sight and out of mind.

“Son-of-a-buffalo,” Tanya wheezes. “You’re one heck of a speed demon now.”

“Nah, it’s all that booze slowing you down.” She throws me a glare. I pretend to ignore it. “So, what do we do now?” I ask.

“Well first,” she waves a claw in my general direction, “You got to turn back into a griffon. Trouble follows Blackwatch, and I don’t want you bringing me any trouble.”

That’s a good idea, and for another reason. This itch on my back is bugging me to no end and I want my claw back so I can scratch it. My griffon claw, not the death-for-fingers claw. That thing could get rid of the itch, along with my abdomen and spine.

“Yeah, give me a moment.” My face scrunches up as I try to command the worms inside me to change me back to griffon form. And just like before, nothing happens. “Nope, it’s not going to happen.”

She rolls her eyes. “In that case, I’m going off on my own.”

My eyes dart up. “You’re leaving me?!”

“You’re a big girl, and you got the new super powers. I think you can handle being alone.” Fair point. Giant claws do make good negotiation tactics. “Once you’re back to being a griffon, come find me and we’ll get your scone shop figured out.”

Her lumbering mass brushes by me. “And where are you headed.”

“I said it already,” she says, patting the suitcase, “I got a meeting at nine. Even in the apocalypse, taxes need to be done.”

“Oh come on, we got time to kill. Let’s get some coffee, and you can tell me what’s been going on while I was dead.”

Tanya let out a long, drawn out sigh. “Blackwatch is hunting you. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I got my own crap to deal with. Some of us still have lives to go to.”

I throw my hooves in the air. “That’s not going to help. I need answers!”

“You’ve been dead for a month. Go out and do your own homework.” The owl-bird turns her back on me and drifts into the street. “I’m not dealing with any more of this bullcrap today.”

“Well, fine!” I yell out. “Some accountant you are! I’ll figure all this on my own.”

She doesn’t even look back before disappearing around the corner. How rude.

Though to be fair, I’m still wrapping my head around all this. It’s been, what, five hours since I woke up with these powers. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms with all this. Heck, I don’t even know how to control half the things I do.

Wait, how long did Tanya say I was gone? A month? She said a month.

Sweet mercy, I’ve been gone a month…

A month…

Give me a moment, I need to breathe. And I need to undo the knot that’s twisting inside my body. At this point, my insides could literally be twisting themselves into knots. This is… Tanya’s right, this is too much bullcrap for one day.

Where’s the nearest liquor store?

Author's Notes:

Tanya likes hard liquor, long walks on the beach, and making sure you pay her on time.