Author's Notes:

I mean it, though. I won't pay any of your therapy bills. If you skip the link below, they're all on you.

http://pastebin.com/6Dq8dWNg

Equestria, present day... duh

“sOI Brain wuz liek Errmgurd eVERytins all roky know so cool! He hed hissfle a happai jont thru the town, skippig across the moshunless strets. He fund a poni frzen ni ston. jstu to b SHORE, he Wavded his hnd infrntve its fac, wtchig fR A reACTION. the pONai didN”t mve. Brian wuz all high nd joyflu, so hii laughd lIEK he’djut herd the funneest jok evrar. Den he skpipped of ta mess arund sme mor.

Hle dncd thru th roADS, prefroamig cmplecks, sofisticratDEAD dnance manO0Ovres he shudnt be ableh tado!! wiva singl strep, hris feet left da grond nd he soared throw d HEIR. Den, becuz he was BETTMAN nd BETTMAN wuz acshully BROIcE WYAde (OMGSPOILERSAREGH!!@!11!!!), hedida waltz wiv a sttue. He wz vrery clssy.

Brnai was strog (btt not too muscly! Muscles r… not cute), swoo he bruk nto Sgrar Cube CroRNEer nd 8 ABUNCHA delisious sweeeTS, dey wre VERY CRUnCHy, Ten, MANEtaiNINng hsi smil frigure, he wnet back out nd dnanced thru d strets liek a diSNAY PRoincess.

Drat nite, Brian wENT oot 2 Dinnrare et a fnancy restrereont, WITCH he cud nevrar hv affordDED if evraythin wz pretrified. Unfortranately, doowing so prsentred unintended consekwinses. MANELY,threre wsant anay food cOOKD. All d chevs wre lockd wivin stONE. Brine wnated 2 coook 4 hisslef, bt all d ingradients wre stoned aswlel! AlSO, teh coAL thet wud lite tge ovEnSs wuz turnd intro some ston dat was not cole. Brin’s stomac growled. “How cud i let dis heppen!??!% know imma strave 2 DEAD!!Q_Q!!’ Den he remembred dat hed eaten roks eRleeR, et Sucrose Coob cornerer. So he hed his drinner ov rocks. Becuz he ws batman, his teeths puLVrized d rOKz and he enJoIYD hois GRAVElLy meel.

Howevrar, haf way TRUE da meol, Brian reelizd sumtin thet maed hOim sPIT out all teh rok Byts inis Mouth. “Roks… not nutriSHUNal! contane mineralls… bUt Not conTane VITAMENS!!$^#(@&!11””” need less 2 sAI, bREYN wnet HUNGARY thet KNIGHT.

Now BrAIN wz hngrai nd b’ein’ uhngrai med him fEiL sad. HZ Stomach grolled laouwdly (becuz “e was HUngrey, )) nd sao he moapd around the petrifyed twown. He wz verry vrerry deppressd.

“NOO!!! so hungr!’ he sed 2 hisself. Loockin’ furword, he SAW a streat lamp, lit up in dis peachtreefied world. He swa a dARk sillouette n dEH cone uv liTE, nd fro a momnet, he wazz remnidREd uv hiz old grilfrend. D LOVEve his lif, frum brefor he wuz Brian. Iv he loookd kareflly, he could almoast SEER befor him. “mAI lOVe!” he cride, rushig forword. Bt no. Wen he got dere, he culd sea dat twas onLEE a stateue- D vrery saem stetue hed denced wiv befrore. Heoi trew haze hed 2 Duh sKI nd soliloquized.

“Oh, world, cruel King of Fate and Destiny
Does it so bring you joy, sate your desire
To see me brought forth, under false guises
With grief weighed heavy upon my frail back,
To offer to me this one glimpse of hope
And to just as soon snatch it from my gaze?
Why do you toy with me so, oh King?
Why do you wish such sorrow upon me?” brAINDed sed. Den it strarted raINnig nd he fell ovrer into an allie und cried hisSLEaf to slep.”

----

“So what do yous think of that one?” the fuzzy critter asked. “I calls it ‘Sad!’” The statue didn’t respond, a fact that, were the little monster asking the question in any way in her right mind, she should’ve expected. These statues only ever did two things- stay still and Temmie had forgotten the second thing. Evidently, Temmie was not in her right mind. Temmie was in her Tem mind, and that was right enough for her.

This particular statue had once stood in front of its house, poised over a small bed of flowers. Once, it had held a watering can and allowed fat droplets of moisture to rain upon the needy little plants. Now, however, it lay immobilized, its hoof clenching the handle of the can, it’s head swiveled in the direction of some source of interest from long ago. Several tear-shaped rocks lay in the rough stone next to a bed of marble daisies, on a lawn composed of flimsy granite grass.

None of these observations crossed Temmie’s mind. Instead, she decided, she was done with this area. Temmie moved on.

The air was more or less entirely still as Temmie strolled through the desolate streets of Ponyville, her little paws feeling the cold stone beneath. She stopped a moment to say hOi to the dog that was always off by the curb, its nose forever stuck within a pile of garbage. “That dog never says hOi back,” Temmie mused to herself. “He’s so rude.” She gave a small aristocratic scoff and then Temmie moved on.

She passed by a building of curious architectural design. Once, it had loomed above the cities of ponyville like a circus tent, and had been equally audacious in its color scheme. Now, though, it, was the same grayish white of aging marble, as was every landmark for as far as Temmie could see. Something about the building, though, brought out a great urge within Temmie. Its location, its aesthetic, its air of entrepreneurship. Temmie felt, along with a craving for cheap biscuits and a desire to lick the paint off some drywall, that it would be the perfect place to set up a shop.

Temmie moved on. This wasn’t the first time she’d seen the Carousel Boutique. This wasn’t the first time she’d been offended by the dog that never answered. This wasn’t even the first time she’d told the watering statue one of the stories that had crept into her mind. She walked into the Ponyville town square and it was the same as it had always been. The sides were clustered with ponies, their eyes fixed upon the sight in the center. Six young mares stood in a semi circle, adorned with the only items that seemed to have been spared from petrification- five bejeweled necklaces and an intricate golden tiara. Nearby, two other ponies stood, brief expressions of shock plastered on their faces. They were taller, much taller than the other statues, and possessed both the wings of pegasi and the horns of unicorns, and something about them gave off an air of incredible pretentiousness.

Temmie had seen this before. Temmie would see this again. And, slowly, Temmie began to feel the onset of a wave of boredom. Nothing in this world changed. Nothing in this world was different. And all of it was quite reminiscent of another world- a world beneath the surface, where weather didn’t exist and horoscopes were always the same.

“Hmm,” Tem pondered. “This… big probtem. Requires immediate resolution.”

At what slow pace her little legs could carry her, Temmie strode out of Ponyville. She approached the forest on the town’s edge, and then was past the threshold of bushes and amidst the tangled vines and creepers of the woods’ interior. Navigating her way amongst the branching paths, Temmie passed some stone squirrels, birds and foxes, some larger beasts, frozen where they stood, and about fifty humans who looked like they had fallen unconscious within the forest. “Ponyville has major pest problem,” Tem muttered. “They should do something about it.”

Finally, Temmie reached her destination. A clearing stood amongst the woods, a bridge crossed a chasm, and finally a castle, old and decrepit, stood tall even amongst the towering trees of the forest. With little trouble, Temmie made her way to the castle’s tallest tower, and from there, she looked forwards.

Yes. Forwards. And by squinting, her eyes clearing rocks and stars and color and lines of code from her view, Temmie saw not the stone wall that others would, but instead, a face. It was dark, and the face was illuminated by some artificial glow from an unseen light source. It wore thick glasses, and its head was covered in shaggy dark hair. In the background, some curtains and a lampshade could be made out, peeking into Temmie’s frame of view.

“Hey!” Temmie said. “Hey!”

Temmie felt something enter her mind, a single thought, as if left there by an invisible hand. She continued. “Would you make everything normal again?”

“Because this is boring! I wants something new to happen! Adventure, Sad, Drama, Romance! All that’s happened is Random Comedy!”

“Boring! So bored. Tem want new things to do!”

“Because. You get attention because I act cute and silly. I’ll have more opportunities to do that if the world isn’t a frozen wasteland.”

“Yaya!”

-----

Something was happening back in Ponyville.

It started in the center of town square, when six very important artifacts vibrated intensely. Their respective gems flashed like beacons, and the area around them was charged with a feeling of building energy, as if lightning were just about to strike. Then, quite suddenly, the Elements let loose a burst of color and light. A noise vibrated through the air, like the chime of a huge bell, as a wave of energy washed across the town, leaving everything in its wake far more vibrant than it had been before.

Drops of water fell once again from a watering can. A dog raised its head out of a pile of garbage. A building shuddered, as if sighing in relief that its color scheme had returned to normal.

And in the center of the town, a purple alicorn stretched out her limbs, as if waking from a century-long nap. She looked around herself, at her friends, who were doing much of the same, at the Princesses, whose faces bore expressions of surprise and perplextion, and at the citizens, who all seemed to be at a loss for words. Then, she spoke, words rolling off her tongue for the first time in forever.

“What… just happened?”

“hOi!” Twilight Sparkle turned her head towards the source of the voice, and her eyes filled with shock at the sight of a small, furry creature before her. “Glad to see yous finally awake!”