Author's Notes:

Warning: Being the mentally fucked up person I am I ended up getting into an argument with myself and it kinda got translated into here and I'm to lazy to take it out. In short, most of this is consisting of the now broken 4th wall. This will likely happen a lot less after this chapter.

Tumor awoke in Carrot Top's room with her head laying on top of his chest. Despite how comfortable he was he didn't plan on staying in bed all day. So with a bit of careful wiggling he managed to slip out of the bed unnoticed. Looking up toward the ceiling he- "Hey!"

[...]

"Got anymore smart-ass remarks that'll help get me laid more often?"

[Get your lazy ass out of that room before I come in there and beat your ass! You're not even supposed to know I'm here.]

"Hey, you made me like you and that includes the whole 'talking to people who aren't there' thing."

[I'm schizophrenic, you fuck.]

"And I'm still horny, so how about you help me out."

[How about we get back to the actual story, Dale!]

"I hope you know that Dale is an ugly name."

[Trust me, I've noticed.]

"Isn't that your middle name?"

[GET BACK TO THE FUCKING STORY!!!]

Tumor made his way downstairs after scrounging up his cloths and getting dressed in the hallway. Once down he went over to the fridge and-"Dude, we're out of milk."

[Okay, seriously, I want this story to work and with you constantly talking to me it's just fucking it up.]

"Your shit grammar is what's fucking up the story, I'm the whole reason it became so popular."

[I swear to the great Shangri-La above I'm gonna stick my boot so far up your ass that the sweat on my knee is going to quench your thirst!]

"Try it, bitch!"

[Sorry, sweetheart, but I have a better idea.]

"What?"

Tumor walked outside, basking in the open and letting the sun shine down on him. "Gay..." He suddenly found himself becoming very nauseous. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it out, but found that it only grew worse. Before long his vision began to blur, he tried to walk but would stumble and fall with with every attempt. Just before everything started fading to black he looked over and noticed a dart in his shoulder. Then he collapsed, his body finally giving up and forcing him into sleep. He woke up several hours later in what appeared to be a basement, but sadly this one wasn't his. He was strapped down to a chair, making him unable to move. "What the fuck?" He asked, more curious than anything else. He then heard a soft but high pitched giggle snort in the distance and his eyes widened. "Oh, you're a fucking dick!"

[Hey, you had to get it from someone and it sure as fuck wasn't your non-existent father.]

"Didn't your father walk out on-"

[I will fucking kill you right now!]

Meanwhile:

Derpy yawned in her bed as she started to wake up. Her eyes were still a little heavy, but she managed to get them open before sitting up and stretching her limbs. After making herself just a little more limber she hopped out of the bed and made her way to the kitchen where she started to prepare the batter for her breakfast muffins. As she gathered the ingredients she hummed a soft tune to herself and started baking. She noticed Carrot Top walking into the house, she appeared to be a little flustered. "Good morning, Carrot. Is everything alright?"

She took a moment to reply, but managed to do so calmly. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just can't seem to find Tumor anywhere."

"I'm sure her's near. You know how he likes to be out and about all the time and he's very strong so it's not like anything will hurt him." Derpy explained, hoping it would cheer up her friend.

"I know, I know, but it doesn't stop me from worrying." As Carrot Top said this she head a light giggle come from Derpy. "What? What's so funny?"

Derpy hushed herself. "Oh, nothing. It's just that you and him seem to be spending a lot of quality time together lately. You two hangout, you worry about him, you're starting to sleep in the same bed, you even brought your family over to meet him."

"Yeah, remind me to never do that again. It was horrible." She said, not catching on to what Derpy was hinting at.

"Carrot Top, do you have a crush on him?" Derpy asked with a devilish grin.

Carrot Top's face turned beat red. "D-Derpy! No, of course not." She said firmly, her face betraying her however.

Derpy giggled happily, "You do like him! I knew it!"

"Knock it off, Derpy. I don't want the whole world to know."

"Please, Carrot Top, do you know how many ponies would ravage his body the second they got the chance to?" She asked as she placed the muffin batter into the oven and set the timer before facing her friend again. "You're not exactly the only pony who's head over hooves for him."

"It's disgusting!" Carrot snapped, "All they want is to ride his bones, they don't care about him because of who he is, they just want him because he's the hero of Ponyville. They don't lo-" She stopped, catching herself before continuing, "care about him the way I do..."

Derpy walked over and put a hoof over Carrot Top's shoulder, pulling her close. "Don't worry, Carrot Top, I'm not going to say anything. You're Auntie Derpy has your back." She said with a smile.

"Aren't I older than you?" She asked with a grin.

"Only by like a month!" Derpy argued

"Now?"

[No]

"Now?"

[No!]

"Now?"

[NO!!!]

"Can I leave now?"

[Fuck you, you're staying.]

"Come on, this is fucking stupid. Just let me go or I'll use my powers to obliterate this place."

[You can't, I've restricted you from using your powers.]

"How the fuck are you able to restrict me?"

[Bitch, did you forget who made you. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't fucking be here!]

"Exactly, now leave so I can get out!"

[That's not how this works, sweetheart. You're stuck here, have fun]

As Carrot Top and Derpy discussed her feelings for the human they both became startled by a loud bang that came from their door once, twice, and on the third the door broke and swung open. Carrot Top ran over, leaving Derpy in the kitchen, but what she saw surprised her. She was expecting to see Tumor bloody and beaten, but instead she just saw him standing there as if nothing was going on. "Tumor, are you okay?"

He let out a light cough before answering. "Yeah, I'm all good. Why?"

"Well, you kinda kicked down our door. I was half expecting us to be mugged." She explained.

"Congradu-fucking-lations, you weren't mugged." He said, walking pass her and taking a muffin off of the table and practically swallowing it whole. Carrot Top just stood there and watch, debating whether or not to yell at him because of the door, but she felt surprisingly...she didn't know. She didn't really feel anything. In fact the way she felt right now made it seem like the world could blow up and she'd just stare at it out of boredom.

"Tumor." Derpy started, "Where have you been? You've been gone since this morning and we haven't seen you since."

"Yeah, about that...I don't really know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It means I don't fucking know. The writer never specified that and he was too damn lazy to talk about how I escaped, so obviously it wasn't that important." He explained to Derpy. " Aint that right, asshole?"

[Ladies and Gentlemen, fags and faggets. Just let it be known that this asshole is the whole reason I'm cutting this chapter short]

"Yeah, cause it's totally my fault."

[Keep the sarcasm to yourself dick-head]

"At least I have a dick-head."

[Yeah, the head is all you've got]

"You mother-"

[And stop: I hope you all enjoyed the story despite its briefness and the unprofessional behavior of my fuck-face of a partner, Dale. Let us hope that he may one day decide to stop being such a prick and cooperate with my efforts to write this stuff. Until then, you can blame him for all of the bullshit]

"Don't forget to comment on how much of a loser this fucker is."

[I'm gonna fucking kill him]