Author's Notes:

Warning: This chapter contains 4th wall breaking, crying babies, and flashbacks of violent women

Tumor stumbled up the stairs. He had stayed up late last night having a private party in the basement consisting of him and about six other people that looked just like him. Thinking back, he did recall being able to see behind him when he looked at those guys and after a minute of processing he finally realized that he had spent all last night talking to a mirror. When he finally got out he worked his way into the living room, bumping into anything in his way and occasionally having to grab onto something so he wouldn't fall over.

"Derpy? Carrot?" He called out before his legs inevitably gave out and he collapsed to the floor. He was laying face-down for several seconds until he heard the soft sound of hoof steps coming toward him. He lifted his head from the ground and looked up to see Carrot Top's face looking down at him with an odd expression "Sup, bitch?"

She continued eyeing him, wondering whether or not she should invite him to begin with. "Hey, buddy." She then said with an odd smile. "How you doing down there?"

He gave her a confused look as she seemed to get more playful with every word that left her lips. "I'm a little dizzy, little out of it."

"Well, that's probably because you were up drinking all night!" She remained playful for maybe half of that sentence before she started to get loud and a bit hostile with her words.

Tumor found this to be a lot more comforting than whatever she was doing earlier. That was just creepy. He forced himself to his feet and shook his head a bit to regain himself. "Yeah, what else is new, you fuck?"

She leaned close to him with a stern gaze. "Listen, my family is coming down today and they want to meet the hero of Ponyville, okay? So while they are here, you need to behave yourself. Understood?"

Tumor stared blankly at her before shaking his head. "I'm sorry, were you talking?" His ears suddenly started ringing as he felt Carrot Tops hoof smack him across the face, "I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a yes."

Carrot Top grabbed the neck of his shirt and used it to pull his face so it was only inches from hers. "I'm serious, Tumor. I want you to behave. That means no yelling, no swearing, no threatening, and absolutely no fighting. Got it?"

Tumor planted a quick but firm kiss on Carrot Top's head, causing her to blush lightly. "Sweetheart, I love you and all but you can go fuck yourself. I'll go to Hell and back and drag your family with me if I damn-well please."

She bowed her head and closed her eyes in defeat. "What do you want?"

"What?"

"What do I need to give you to keep you from running rampant while my family is near?"

"I'm going to need a new glove." He said, looking down at his gloved right hand. "The leather on this one is starting to wear down."

"Sounds easy enough."

"Also I want a suit."

"Why do you want a suit?" She asked. Getting him a suit would be a difficult task since he is the only one of his kind. It'll likely be expensive too because he'll have to have it special ordered.

"Bitches love suits. Plus if I get invited to a formal gathering I wanna look nice before I turn it into the next CBGB."

Carrot Top tilted her head at him. "What's CBGB?"

His eyes became glued to Carrot Top's body. "I outta fucking kill you..."

Two hours later a small group of ponies arrived at the door and Carrot Top welcomed them in. The group consisted of her parents and her sister who was holding her newborn. Tumor sat quietly on the couch, fitting his new glove to his right hand. Once upon a time he only wore gloves on his hand to cover up some nasty scars he got when he was human, but after he got to Equestria his body was reborn as a blank slate. Every scratch, scar, and broken bone made anew. Now he was just so used to having it there that he never bothered taking it off or uncovering his previously injured appendage. As he sat there silently daydreaming he heard Carrot Top's voice call out from the kitchen. "Tumor, can you come in here please?"

He got to his feet and made his way over to the kitchen he saw everypony sitting at the table with smiles on their faces. "I'm here. What's up?"

"He's so remarkable, isn't he honey?" Carrot Top's mother said to her father.

"He sure is." He replied before turning his attention to Carrot Top. "He isn't dangerous, is he?"

"No dad." Carrot Top replied, "He's fine. He won't hurt anyone."

Carrot Top's sister started gazing at him with half lidded eyes. "We'll he's definitely a looker." She said, still holding her foal.

Tumor nodded at the group before deciding to speak up. "He can also understand slash hear everything your saying, so we don't have to talk about him like he's a fu-" He stopped himself before he could finish his sentence and corrected his wording. "Like he's an incompetent fool."

Carrot Top smiled at him, proud that he was actually putting some effort into keeping himself calm and collected for the evening. She was about to say something, but from the looks of it her newborn niece was a bit more anxious. The foal in her sisters hooves started crying softly. "Sis, is there something wrong with the baby?"

Her sister smiled at her and started slowly rocking her hooves from side to side. "No, she's just cranky. She needs to go back to bed."

Carrot Top giggled at her sisters comment but a look of concern started to wash over her features as she looked over to see Tumor with his face buried in his hands and his fingers digging into his skin. "Tumor, are you okay?"

His face was starting to turn red as all of the blood in his body started rushing into his head. "Jesus, fuck..." He said he said quietly.

"Tumor, we talked about this." Carrot Top said as she turned to face him and slammed a hoof on the table. The sound of her hoof striking wood was enough to disturb the foal and make it cry louder. "Oh no, I'm so sorry, sis."

She just smile and continued to rock the small horse gently in her hooves. "It's fine Carrot Top."

"Oh my Hell!" Tumour yelled with his hands covering his ears. The foal continued to cry louder. "Make it stop!"

"Umm, sir?" Carrot Top's father started. "My grandchild isn't an it, now would you mind not doing what you're doing. You're scaring her."

"I don't care what she is." The baby cried louder. "Give her a sucker and make it stop..." Louder, "Put her in a hot car!" He tried so hard not to snap but the baby just kept getting worse and worse. "KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" The whole room gasped and stared at him in shock and awe. "Kill it and put us all out of its fucking misery!"

Tumor had been promptly and harshly kicked out of the house after his little outburst and took off into the night sky. After a bit of flying around all he wanted to do was lay down and relax for a bit. He flew back to the house and found himself a spot on the roof where he could rest for a minute. He laid back and close his eyes, letting his mind sink into several trains of thought. On of them stuck out to him as one from when he was human and he decided to dwell on it for a moment. He was sitting in the passenger side of his friend Alice's car while his friend John sat in the backseat. John was a larger man, he had a big but strong stomach, he was also a fairly hairy individual; so much so that he had been nicknamed things like bear and Sasquatch. His friend Alice was a very petite woman. She was short, thin, and wore glasses. Every time he would look at her face a part of him from the back of his mind would scream out at him, telling him that somewhere deep in her bloodline there was an Asian. He didn't know why this thought came to mind, maybe because she was clearly white with a somewhat Asian looking face; he didn't know how to feel about it, but she was still cute.

John was shifting around in the backseat, kicking a large empty can and it was stating to piss off Alice. "John, knock it off or I'm gonna come back there and rip your dick off."

"What? I'm just keeping myself entertained." He explained, "Can I at least crush the can?"

Alice looked over at her friend. "Dale, should I let him."

Dale looked at her, his eyes glued to hers, "First off, put fucking eyes back on the road."

She sighed and focused her attention back onto the road. "So should I let him?" She asked.

"I don't give a fuck." Dale replied, "I break shit all the time." He suddenly froze as he felt a can being smashed on his head, dripping the liquid from withing down his face as it burst on impact. Dale sat there quietly and looked back at Alice. "I regret this decision."

Tumor came back to reality, laughing out loud as he remembered the that small portion of his life. Every time he went out with his friends things would usually end up getting either very random, very stupid, or very destructive. Part of him missed being out with his old friends and just hanging out doing what all normal teenagers do; partying, drinking, having sex, burning down buildings, killing douche-bags who think they're invincible. Just typical everyday shit. But that all changed when the fire nation attacked...Tumor looked up with an odd expression. "Yo, shit face. Wrong story."

[What?]

"When the fire nation attacked? That's Avatar the last air bender. How the fuck do you even know that line? You've never even seen that show."

[I don't know, I blame the fucking internet.]

"Yeah, she's like mother nature."

[Beautiful, but bitchy.]

"Exactly."

[Oh, fuck!]

"What?"

[We're fucking up the story, people can see this shit.]

"Wrong, you're fucking up the story."

[Bitch I will have you fucking ripped apart and I swear I will make sure you live through it.]

"Now, you see? That was just mean."

[You're one to talk. At least I don't fuck horses]

"You son of a-"

Story Time: The door could be heard opening from beneath him. Tumor flipped off the sky before rolling to the edge of the roof to watch as Carrot Top and her family said their goodbyes and they took off. Carrot Top took a deep breath and sat down on a small wooden chair next to her front door.

Tumor leaned down so his upper body was hanging off of the roof, his body being just long enough for Carrot Top to spot him. "Boo, bitch!"

She screamed in terror before falling out of the chair and landing on her head with a soft thud. "Ow! What the fuck, Tumor?"

He laughed before levitating his body down to the ground and standing right side up. "So how'd it go?"

She got up with an angered expression. "It would have been fine if you didn't start freaking out like you did. What was that all about anyway?"

"Believe it or not, I hate kids. Human and pony alike; I hate them all." He explained.

"Uh, why?"

"I'm not sure, I just do. Every time I see those god damn things I just wanna ring their little necks." He gestured wrapping his hands around a neck and strangling someone. "And when they cry, I wanna beat their tiny little fucking skulls in!"

Okay!" She said, holding up a hoof to emphasize just how much she wanted him to stop talking. "I've heard enough. So I basically can't take you anywhere or have anyone over."

"You can have people over, just make sure that I aint in the same fucking room. Hell, you're lucky I stick around, otherwise youd be pregnant with Rocky Fuck-face's kid."

"We agreed to never speak of that."

"No, you agreed to never speak of it. I sat there and didn't say shit."

"Why do you have to be such an insensitive prick?"

"Why did you have to be dropped on your head as a baby?"

[Will you two just fuck already!]

Carrot Top froze in place. "Who said that?"

Tumor looked around and shrugged, "Fuck if I know, but I like how he thinks." He walked over and grabbed Carrot Top, throwing her over his shoulder and walking into the house."

"What are you doing? Put me down!"

"Not until we get to the bedroom!"