“Tartarus looks a lot different than what I thought it would,” Bad Dude admitted, seated comfortably on one of Tartarus’ many lobby room chairs. Discord sat in the chair next to him, one leg crossed over the other and his head buried in a floating upside-down magazine.

He lowered it to glance around the large place. “Seems it has, hasn’t it?”

At the entrance doors, Discord and Bad Dude had been stopped and searched by a pair of armored guards. Bad Dude had left his cape in his pack under Discord’s directions—it seemed he was already becoming more notorious than he at first believed.

Upon entering the long and dark halls of Tartarus, Bad Dude gasped in awe by what he saw: the long rows of burning torches adorning the walls; the cliffs and deep chasms of light-blue rock jutting out in all directions; the deep pockets of pure darkness that seemed to go on for eternity. Sadly, all that wonderment fell away the moment him and Discord entered Tartarus’ main lobby room.

It was as if someone had placed the entire floor of a functioning office building inside the labyrinthine prison and filled it with a bunch of well-dressed workers.

The large office area had twelve desks and a reception area by the front. Dozens of ponies in dress shirts and skirts went from desk to desk and through other doors on the sides, carrying all sorts of files, notebooks, and quills. Two ponies standing by a water cooler busily discussed the latest entry to a hot, new book series called Making a Sandwich, which by the sounds of it was impossible to put down yet infuriating all the same. Something to do with toppings that just didn’t belong in the sandwich to begin with and which might’ve been planted there…

Bad Dude couldn’t help but sigh when he looked the place over. It was all just so normal. Even Cerberus, Tartarus’ three headed dog, spent its time sleeping on a giant dog pillow placed against the wall, scratching at itself. It didn’t seem even remotely interested in guarding anything anymore.

Bad Dude hugged his small pack to his chest. “I don’t get it, Discord. This is Tartarus, right? Where they keep all the dangerous villains and stuff?”

Discord nodded, opening up another magazine. “It is, only it’s changed somewhat over the years. The last big emergency that happened here was when Tirek escaped and since then… nadda-zip-zilch.” He stroked his beard with a claw. “True villains are a dying breed, Bad Dude. Most new villains are sadly being befriended instead of defeated, meaning less of them are being sent down here to be looked after. With fewer inmates and with the same amount of funds coming in from Canterlot… it means Tartarus becomes more modernized and with the times.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “So… that would mean it would be easier to take it over, too, right?”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, I wouldn’t be thinking that big yet, boss. This still is very much so Tartarus, the only difference being the added office decor. There’s still guards at the doors and entrances; large dogs ready to spring at any moment’s notice; security measures up the wazoo. I’m more than certain the place was tightened considerably after all that nasty Tirek business. You see those doors, Bad Dude?”

Discord looked over Bad Dude’s head and pointed with a claw. Behind the rows of desks and workers was a large set of steel doors with a spinning vault-type handle. A sign above the door read: “CAUTION: INMATE HOLDING AREA—TARTARUS PERSONNEL ONLY”.

Bad Dude nodded.

“If you want to talk with Tirek today,” Discord continued, “that’s where you’ll need to go. How you’ll get in is anyone’s guess, though.”

Bad Dude frowned. “But in Tirek’s letter, he said I could come visit him—anytime I wanted to!”

Wrapping an arm around the colt, Discord softly explained, “That letter was sent two weeks ago, kiddo. Since then, Tirek’s tried to escape twice already; perhaps due to the Princesses continued hospitalization.” A slick smile divided the draconequus’ face. “You want my advice?”

Bad Dude looked down to his pack again and pouted. He couldn’t help it. Things weren’t going the way he thought they would. “No…” he muttered miserably.

“Well, that’s too bad.” Discord pulled him to his side until Bad Dude was mashed up against him. “My advice? Forget about him. Tirek? Blah! Useless and old. And a jerk. Super big jerk. And now where is he? Locked away with no hope of retrieval. So what’s the point? Our group’s strong enough as is, Bad Dude. Unstable enough as is. You get what I’m saying, boss?”

Bad Dude frowned harder, causing Discord to grimace and look away from him. Hastily, Bad Dude opened his pack and pulled out a large piece of parchment with a crude drawing on it. He stared at it for a moment before handing it over to Discord.

It was a picture drawn in bright crayons of Bad Dude, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Tirek all smiling and standing together side by side. Bad Dude was perched on Discord’s shoulder, waving at the viewer.

Bad Dude touched the picture Discord was holding. “I always thought it would be the five of us… maybe more, if we could find some. But I think getting Tirek is important. He’s old… so that means he knows stuff! And who else came so close to taking over Equestria before? No one! And… and I think if he hadn’t have betrayed you like he had, he would’ve done a whole lot better. That’s why I think it’s important we all be friends—the five of us. Good friends. The only reason you all lost before is because you were alone. But now you’re not and we need to keep it that way.”

Chewing on his tongue, Discord sighed and held the picture out. “You know this doesn’t look anything like me, right?”

Bad Dude grumbled and snatched the picture back, careful to slide it back into his pack as gently as he could. He pushed himself off his chair. “I’m going to go see him myself, and later on, you’ll be so glad I got him on the team! I’ll show you! I’ll make you two such good friends! Just watch me!”

Tiredly, Discord glanced over him. “I’d like to contradict you, really, I would, but I’m sadly reminded you took down two full-grown alicorns without even touching them. So, go do whatever you wish. Give me a shout in ten seconds time when they turn you away, then.”

Bad Dude bared his teeth at him angrily, then spun around and stormed towards the office area. He only got a single step beyond the lobby floor before someone put a stop to him.

“Can I help you with something, sweetie?”

Bad Dude froze, then looked up to find a mare receptionist with a pair of oval glasses on her head, leaning across her desk. He tried to think of something—anything at all.

A moment later, the receptionist angled her head. “Does one of your parents work here, hun?”

After some mild consideration, Bad Dude decided to go with something as close to the truth as he could. “I’m here to visit Tirek. He said I could come and visit him if I wanted to.”

Some of the receptionist’s good-natured-ness chipped away from her as she began to look concerned. “What did you say your name was again?”

“I didn’t. It’s—” Bad Dude halted himself. He’d given his real name up enough over the last couple of weeks. He smirked when he thought of an alternative. “I’m Sugary Topping.”

The receptionist didn’t seem to buy it. “Sugary Topping? I… guess your parents weren’t the most creative of the bunch.”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Nope. So can I go see Tirek now?”

“Let me go talk to my manager first. He might want to have a few words with you… Sugary Topping.” She avoided his eyes as she left her desk. Was she onto him already? It was definitely possible. A colt asking to speak with Tirek out of the blue after some random “colt” just so happened to take out both the Princesses of the Sun and the Moon?

Bad Dude shook his head. He was going about this all wrong.

Using his mouth to open the pack around his middle, he unfurled his royal blue cape and tied it around his neck. If he was going to enter the bowls of Tartarus themselves, he ought to at least look the part of one extremely venturous villain. Now he only needed the right theme song to go along with his extreme venturing…

“Dah! Dah-dee-dah-dah-dah!” Bad Dude sung to himself merrily, as he crossed over the threshold of the offices and marched down the carpeted hallway. He kept his back pressed against the outer wall, keeping as inconspicuous as he could. Then came the chorus portion of his personal theme song.

“Bad Dude! Do-do-do! Watch out! Something-something-Bad Dude! Blam-blam-blam!”

A stallion carrying a stack of papers exited his cubicle and stared at him curiously. “You’re not supposed to be back—” His dozens of documents fell from his hooves as he gripped his chest and instantly crumpled to the floor. Perhaps it was the continued theme song that had caused the worst of it. Or perhaps it was because at that very moment the stallion glimpsed him, Bad Dude had decided to perform an awesome cartwheel alongside an improvised guitar solo, failing to land the cartwheel when his cape fell over his head and blinded him.

Either way, the worker was out cold and would be for some time.

As Bad Dude gripped the vault door at the back of the office area, he turned to find the receptionist from before returning with an older stallion and a pair of guards to her desk. It seemed his reputation was growing faster than he knew.

With one last giggle, he pushed forward and into the depths of Tartarus.

Tartarus was large. And dark and damp. And most importantly: confusing.

For minutes on end, Bad Dude trekked through its rocky passageways, emerging to trot along narrow bridges that gapped thresholds hundreds of meters across. To all sides of him were never-ending pools of darkness; small circles of light from high-up above helped him to see. Still, it was all a little spooky—especially when something echoed loudly in the far off distance. A scream? A shriek? Someone stubbing their hoof? Bad Dude couldn’t tell.

The first test for Bad Dude came from a set of four similar looking doors.

At the end of a long and snaky path sat four doors, all completely identical. Bad Dude went to the one on the far right first and read its plaque: “THE VOID OF NEVER-ENDING TORMENT”.

Bad Dude whistled in awe. It sounded rather fancy and cool. He reached for the doorknob before quickly drawing his hoof back. “But never-ending’s a while, isn’t it?” he said. “I’d better not. I’m supposed to see Tirek soon.”

Then his eyes opened wide as he read the plaque on the door next to it: “THE VOID OF FIVE-MINUTE TORMENT”.

“Oh! Perfect!” Bad Dude exclaimed, before his elation dropped. “Still… I’d better not. I need to be home for dinner as soon as I can.”

As much as he wanted to explore the contents of the third door—“THE BOTTOMLESS BALLPIT OF DOOM”—Bad Dude ignored it for the last option available; the door on the far left labeled, “THE BIG SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT”.

Carefully, he nudged open the wooden door to find a slick marble ramp that descended into darkness before shooting back up again in sharp hills and what even appeared like a loop near its end. Bad Dude took a moment to study it over. “It doesn’t look all that disappointing,” he admitted, before taking the plunge and pushing himself down the ramp.

“THE BIG SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT” ended up being anything but that. During Bad Dude’s three-and-a-half minute ride, he shot down dozens of meters of smooth slide before careening back up and shooting out somewhere close to the ceiling. Once he landed safely on another portion of slide again, he soon gained enough speed to propel himself through the first loop and right into the corkscrew that ended the ride. When he stepped off the “SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT”, he had to straighten out both his mane and cape from the wind that whirled them into a frenzy.

Back on solid ground, he jumped up and down in excitement, before a thought pulled at him. “I thought it was supposed to be disappointing,” he spoke with a frown, “but it ended up being awesome! So does that mean I’m actually disappointed it wasn’t disappointing?”

Bad Dude had to blink several times to try and clear his head.

“Tartarus is weird,” he said truthfully, before continuing onwards.

Bad Dude found Tirek only ten minutes later, on a lone stone platform that had a single staircase leading to it. Tirek sat at a thin table on a chair, his legs and arms manacled and connected to lengths of chain imbedded into rock. He wore a cloak, but kept the hood down.

He looked old and tired, and watched Bad Dude ascend the stairs with mild curiosity.

“So, at last, he arrives,” Tirek greeted softly, his voice not much more than a whisper.

“Sure did!” Bad Dude replied, trotting up to the table between them and sliding out the second chair. “I gotta say, you were a lot harder to find than—” When Bad Dude finally sat down, his eyes barely crept over the top of the table. He tried to sit a little straighter with little effect.

With a thin finger, Tirek pointed to a stack of books on the floor. “Use some of those, if you wish.”

“Okay!” Bad Dude returned a moment later with a pair of thick texts to prop under his rump and give him a boost up. From the ground, he hauled up his tightly stuffed pack to set on the table. “What’s living in Tartarus like?” Bad Dude quickly chirped.

Tirek smiled thinly. “Imagine the worst day of your life times a thousand, repeated until all things cease to exist anymore.”

Bad Dude gasped. “That sounds horrible! That’s like… that’s like getting a whole ice cream cone only to drop it a second later! That happened to me once… but, I don’t like to think about it much.”

“You…” Tirek took a moment to ponder his words. “You surprise me. Truthfully, I find you almost vexing in nature. Here you are, comparing a lifetime of isolation and torment to an ice cream cone you dropped once upon a time…”

“But did I mention it was strawberry with nuts and whipped cream?”

Tirek held up a chained arm. “Now I understand completely. But before we continue, I must first be convinced this is not all some bizarre trick by the Princesses to deliver me to the side of good. Firstly: which door did you choose on your way here?”

“The slide one,” Bad Dude answered with a nod.

Tirek locked his fingers together. “Not as disappointing as it sounded, was it?”

Bad Dude shook his head.

“Then,” Tirek continued, “you came across a fork in the path. What did you do once you came to it?”

“I took it!” Bad Dude explained brightly.

Tirek furrowed his brows. “You… took it?”

“Uh-huh.” Bad Dude fished through his pack before prying out a large, silver fork that he set before him. “If you stick it close to your ear, it tells you which direction to go. It seemed like something kinda odd to keep in a place like this, so I just thought I’d take it and see what happened.”

Tirek’s grin expanded. “You are a clever lad, I will grant you that. And if what the guards whisper between themselves is true… you are also quite lethal in your methods, are you not?”

“Lethal?” Bad Dude repeated uncertainly.

“Your meeting with the Princesses?”

“Oh! Right!” Bad Dude thought for a moment. “I… umm… sure let them have it! Yessir!”

Now Tirek’s lips curled into a full on snarl. “Did you make them beg for their lives by the end of it? I hope you did.”

Bad Dude glanced away uneasily. “Well… they did make this ‘awwww!’ noise a lot while I was with them.”

“Splendid. I think this might work out between us.” He closed his eyes and gently sniffed at the air. “I have the ability to sense all types of powers within others, be they unicorn, pegasus, or Earth pony. You seem to be something different altogether… something… what? Innocent? Pure?”

“Cute?” Bad Dude suggested.

Tirek rolled his eyes. “Sure. Yes, you are cute, but is that everything you are? For now, it matters not. Now we must think of the immediate future.” He leaned across the table, his heavily lined face much more visible up close. “Pray tell, how was it we were to escape from here, Bad Dude? If you were to come all this way, surely, you had a plan in mind?”

Bad Dude stiffened and felt the hints of sweat on his temples. That last question made what he brought with him in his pack seem all the sillier. He fidgeted for a moment, then thought about how much better he’d felt once he put on the cape back in the office area. He wasn’t Sweet Glaze anymore. No. Once he donned his cape, he became Bad Dude again—super villain to all of Equestria!

With his determination back to full again, Bad Dude met Tirek’s eyes and held them.

He spoke casually, “Actually, I just came to talk.”

Tirek’s mouth dropped. “To… talk? You wish to waste my time—”

“I’m forming a group,” Bad Dude interrupted. “The Coalition of United Terrible Evils. So far we’ve got Sombra and Chrysalis and—”

“Surely, you jest, Bad Dude,” Tirek countered. “Sombra and Chrysalis working together? I thought one was dead and the other…”

His words dried as Bad Dude laid out Sombra’s old cape on the table before him.

“Sombra gave me this because he likes me,” Bad Dude said with a faint blush. “So does Chrysalis, I think. I gave her a hug because she was super nice to me.”

“Villains… hugging?” Tirek muttered. “What sort of group are you putting together here?”

“A group of friends,” Bad Dude said earnestly. “We’d all work together and look out for each other. And then we’d take over Equestria and hang out and have a bunch of fun and eat popcorn if we wanted to. You like popcorn, don’t you?”

“Well, of course I like popcorn, I’m not a monster,” Tirek grumbled. “This just all doesn’t seem as ‘villainous’ as I recall things being once upon a time. There’s usually not so much… warmth, to the art of villainy.”

Bad Dude busied himself unloading a package of caramel colored candy from his pack. “Then maybe it’s time to try something different. I mean, when you all worked alone, you all were defeated, right? So… maybe that means we should see what happens when all of us work together, right?”

Tirek scratched at his chin irritably. “I will not question the simple notion of strength in numbers, but… could such a group even function to begin with? Sombra? Chrysalis? Myself?”

“Don’t forget Discord.”

It looked as if Tirek bit his tongue rather painfully at that. “You failed to mention the draconequus earlier.”

“Sorry,” Bad Dude told him quietly. “But he’s on the team, too. He was the first one to join, actually.”

Tirek surprised him with a weary chuckle. “I’m sure Discord would join the Filly Scouts if it meant someone would pay attention to him for a few minutes.” He narrowed his eyes at Bad Dude. “Do you not fear that I may join your group, only to betray you all down the road like I had with Discord long ago? I’m sure he has spoken in length of what happened to him.”

Bad Dude nodded with a sigh. “Yeah. He really doesn’t want you on the team, but I don’t think that’s all that fair. If Discord got a second chance, shouldn’t you get one too? And, in all honestly, you should be more afraid of us betraying you.”

Tirek leaned across the table further. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well,” Bad Dude started, “the last time you were defeated, it was due to the Elements of Harmony. So, all my group would need to do is tell the Elements what you’re up to again and let them take care of you. Also, Discord would be on guard this time, so you wouldn’t be able to steal his magic. Plus, if you betrayed us, King Sombra would be after you and Queen Chrysalis and her entire hive and Discord too. And most importantly… if you betrayed us, I’d be very disappointed in you and you’d have to live with that for the rest of your life.”

Over the next thirty seconds, Tirek’s expression went from one of anger to confusion and then to some form of mild sickness. Eventually, he settled himself and studied Bad Dude again.

“Was that a threat?” he asked thickly.

Bad Dude had to think about that. “I guess it was, wasn’t it?” He brightened. “Was it a good one? I’ve been meaning to practice threats, but I just haven’t gotten around to them yet. Was it a good one, you think?”

“Sadly, yes,” Tirek muttered bitterly, before turning his attention to the block of candy on the table. “What is this? I doubt it to be a means of escape after all you’ve said.”

“Toffee!” Bad Dude told him. “I didn’t really know what to get you before, but I don’t know anyone that doesn’t like toffee. And I thought it would be fun to eat while we play a few of the board games I brought.”

Tirek used his pointed fingers to rip open the packaging covering the toffee bits. He shot a chunk into his mouth and nodded his approval. “You brought games to play, did you? Great challenges of the mind? Tirek has always enjoyed a good mind puzzle. A game of chess, perhaps?”

“Actually, no.” Bad Dude unloaded a tall stack of thin cardboard boxes from his pack, stacking them one on top of the other. “These are all games I play with my parents sometimes. Sometimes with this filly in my class…” His face went the tiniest bit red by the mention.

Tirek eyed the tall stack of games bemused. “Checkers?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Don’t have that one, either. But I could always teach you how to play some of these ones. They’re really fun! Honest! And what else are you gonna do to pass the time around here?”

When Tirek’s shoulders slumped, Bad Dude knew he’d won him over.

“B, 7,” Bad Dude spoke tensely, his head just visible above his plastic game board, “with a big ball of cat hair.”

Tirek smirked over his own plastic game board. “Miss. Okay, Bad Dude—I, 9, with some left over coffee grounds!”

“Haha!” Bad Dude trumpeted. “Miss! How ‘bout… F, 2, with a balled up napkin!”

Tirek turned even redder in the face and slammed his fists onto the table. “Curses! You clogged my bathroom sink! That means… that means I’m out of sinks to clog!” He sighed angrily. “Looks like you win again, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude squealed. He rarely won against his dad when they played Bathroom Sinks.

Carefully, Bad Dude gathered the game pieces together and began sorting them where they were meant to go. He could make out Tirek’s thin grin out of the corner of his sight.

“So what do we play next, hmm?” Tirek asked snidely. “I must admit these games are rather… dimwitted, but fun, nonetheless.”

“Actually,” Bad Dude explained while packing up, “I’d better get going if I want to get back home for dinner. But I’m glad you had fun. We could even have Villain Game Night once we get everything set up.”

Anxiously, Tirek scooped up the closest board game to him and held it out. “Not just one more round of Hungry, Hungry Alicorns?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Sorry, but I’d better not. But we’ll play again once you join our group.”

Tirek gulped dryly. “So… if I join your little group, you’ll come back here and spend more time with me?”

Bad Dude finished zipping up his bag. “Well, maybe once, but that’s not really what I had in mind.”

“What is the plan, then?”

“To get you out of here, of course.”

Author's Notes:

All right. One more "Something With Something" chapter (Discord), and then we'll be getting on with some actual story. And, yes, the original title of this chapter was "Tea With Tirek" before every one of you jerks guessed it. Making me search up "food that starts with a T" just to be different...