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Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 4: Dainties With Discord

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Out of the corner of his eye, Bad Dude spotted the most perfect flower and sprung to it, carefully nipping it with his teeth before carrying it back with him to the picnic area. A large red-and-white checkered blanket had been spread underneath a large, lush tree—a picnic basket and numerous other small dishes spread out along it. On the grass resting against the trunk was a rectangular cooler full of apple cider and cold fizzy sodas.

By the time Bad Dude returned and set his latest flowery find along with the rest of them, Discord had already finished braiding Fluttershy’s mane and now she was doing the same for him—only this time using his thin beard to twist into odd patterns and arrangements.

After he set the striking blue flower by her side, Fluttershy cooed to him, “Oh, that one’s even better than the last one! Thank you so much, Sugary Topping.”

Bad Dude stuck his head down with a blush. “You’re welcome, Ms. Fluttershy.”

She smiled. “You don’t need to keep calling me that, sweetie. Fluttershy’s fine enough.”

“Okay… Fluttershy.”

After taking a quick pull from his fizzy peach drink, Bad Dude hurried back out into Fluttershy’s garden, hopeful to find another flower to her liking. It was doubtful, though. Each of the last eight flowers and roses he’s already plucked seemed much prettier than the last.

Bad Dude muttered as he walked. “Your name is Sugary Topping… Sugary Topping is your name…”

Bad Dude was finding the subtle art of villainy to be a whole lot to remember, especially given all his new aliases. Sweet Glaze… Bad Dude… Sugary Topping—the name he’d used in Tartarus and decided to keep using as a secondary fake name—it was all getting confusing. If only I could remember Equestrian geography in school as well all my new names, he thought to himself dourly.

Finding nothing of interest in Fluttershy’s well-stocked garden, Bad Dude spun on his hooves and hitched in a breath. On Fluttershy’s back stoop was a white rabbit glaring at him with its paws crossed over its chest. Bad Dude thought if it ended up frowning any harder, it might end up hurting itself.

“Hello!” Bad Dude greeted warmly. “I’m Bad… Sweet… I’m Sugary Topping! Pleased to meet you!”

Bad Dude thoughtful introduction did little to move the stoic creature, as his beady black eyes never left his.

“Umm…” Bad Dude started, feeling fretful. “Well, I’d better get going. Nice meeting you! Bye now!”

Even as he made his way back to the picnic area, Bad Dude could feel the rabbit’s piercing gaze on his back. Did Fluttershy really spend most of her time around something like that? A pony so sweet and so nice next to something so cold and hostile?

Then he got an odd flash of himself standing next to Discord and shook his head.

“Nah, Discord’s not that bad,” Bad Dude reflected. “I mean… not that bad.”

When he crossed over the backyard and saw Fluttershy and Discord again, he had to stifle a giggle. Like some elongated cat, Discord had spread out along the picnic blanket in a near perfect U-shape while Fluttershy rested her head on his belly and read from a book. Discord appeared to be preparing himself for another one of his many afternoon naps.

Research.

That was what Discord had called it when he’d invited Bad Dude to tag along with him and meet Fluttershy. Research: to see what their enemies were up to and what could be used against them; if only Bad Dude hadn’t accidentally glimpsed Discord’s super-secret day-planner and noted that every Tuesday of the month had Fluttershy’s name written on it.

As Bad Dude sat down on the picnic blanket again and slurped on a cherry popsicle, Discord raised his head off the ground and regarded him dryly. “Having a nice time, Sugary Topping?”

Bad Dude readily agreed. “You bet! Fluttershy’s garden is so awesome and all of her animals are super nice.” He thought on that. “Okay… maybe not all of them…”

Ignoring that last statement, Discord cocked a mischievous brow and turned to face Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, my dear, tell me… has your heart been bothering you today, perchance?”

Fluttershy looked up from her book with concern. “My heart? Why? Is there some new vitamin that ponies are supposed to take that I didn’t know about and now that I didn’t know about it, I’ll—”

Discord used two of his lion paws to seal her lips shut. “I’ll take that as a ‘no.’ But you did find the sight of Sugary Topping here rather… cute, wouldn’t you say? Adorable even?”

Fluttershy gushed. “Oh, I thought he was just the cutest thing I’d ever seen!” Her face flushed. “You may have noticed that… when I shoved that cookie into his mouth without asking him first—I just couldn’t help it, really.”

Bad Dude grinned at her. “That’s okay, Fluttershy! Really! I wish more ponies would shove sweet things into my mouth without asking first!”

By his side, Discord slammed his face into the blanket to wail aloud. After a good twenty seconds of outpouring, he faced Bad Dude again with a most stern expression. “I hope you realize the moment you get old enough to understand these horrible things you’re saying, Sugary Topping, that I will be making fun of you entirely without mercy.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “What did I say? What’s wrong with saying I like cookies?”

Like a steaming tea kettle, Fluttershy squeed and scooped Bad Dude up for a hug. She busily patted him on the head. “You are just the cutest, little thing! You know that? Oh, I wish I could just—”

Bad Dude anxiously tapped her on the shoulder until he got her attention. His muzzle had been mashed into her chest and he couldn’t take a breath in for the life of him. He found Fluttershy oddly strong for someone seemingly so sweet and innocent.

Out of the embrace, Bad Dude inhaled greedily as Fluttershy giggled nervously. Then something out of sight pulled at her attention and she gasped. “Angel Bunny? What do you think you’re doing? Stop that this instant! Stop—” Already she was flying in the direction of her garden area and away from the two of them.

Bad Dude took the moment to pat down his disheveled mane. “I really like Fluttershy,” he admitted to Discord, who was getting to a standing position to lean against the tree. “She’s nice. And fuzzy, too.”

“Well, of course she is,” Discord replied bluntly, “but it seems she may also be our greatest enemy, as well.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

“Your powers of adorableness will not work on her… or at least the level of power you wield now.” He rolled his eyes. “I had a feeling this would be the case. Fluttershy has spent most of her life close to adorable little creatures and even closer to her adorable little self, so it’s no surprise she’s immune to your tricks. Thankfully, I was wise enough to bring us here to test out that theory.”

Bad Dude smirked at him. “Not because you’re actually friends with her?”

Discord scoffed. “What ever does that mean? What does spending time with someone and laughing with someone and growing to care about someone have to do with being friends?”

Bad Dude chewed on his tongue. “A lot, actually.”

Discord waved a claw. “Then my dictionary must be broken. ‘Friendship’ is something completely akin to what I just mentioned. Fluttershy and I? We just exist together, plain and simple. We’re in an ­exist-ship relationship. Nothing more. Same as you and I.”

Discord’s last words felt like a punch to the gut to Bad Dude. He swiftly felt the hints of tears on the horizon. He looked up at the draconequus with big, shimmering eyes. “You mean… you don’t consider us friends? I thought…” He hitched in a breath. “I thought you and I were really good friends… like best friends even…” A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Discord howled and tore at his chest with his hands. He fell to his knees on the ground as he painfully clenched his jaws. “Okay! Okay! I take it back! I take it all back! We’re good friends! Best friends! We’re such good friends that I’d give you one of my six kidneys if you wanted it—just knock it off!”

Not enjoying seeing his friend in pain, Bad Dude wiped at his eyes before running to him, wrapping his tiny hooves around his lizard leg. “It’s okay. I forgive you, Discord,” he told him quietly.

Discord barked out a single cough and settled his breathing. Averting Bad Dude’s gaze, he reached out until he found his head and gave his mane a quick jostle before sitting back down on the picnic blanket.

“You’re more powerful than you know, boss,” Discord spoke tiredly. “Why we need the rest of that rabble in our group, I’ll never know.”

Bad Dude left the question alone as he went to his pack to retrieve two identical plastic containers with lids. He set both of them down on the blanket before looking at Discord again. “Since I had time over the last few days, I thought I’d make you something. I thought you might like some—”

Resting his narrow face on a hand, Discord snorted and stared at him blankly. “Let me guess: donuts?”

Bad Dude pursed his lips. “Umm… no… they’re—”

“Danishes? Dumplings? Devil’s food cake?”

“No.”

“Dill pickles? Deviled eggs? Date squares?”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “It’s not any of those things.”

Discord smiled thinly. “But I bet it starts with a D, doesn’t it?”

Bad Dude blinked in confusion. “Starts with a… what?”

Discord started counting on his claws. “Chrysalis got crullers; Sombra got soup; Tirek got toffee; what did Fluttershy get today again?”

Oh. Now it clicked. Bad Dude looked down at the blanket below him. “Funnel cake.”

“He-ho-hum!” Discord spat dramatically. “Is it just me or am I noticing a pattern here? So what ever could be in these containers, I wonder?”

Bad Dude brightened a bit when a thought came to him. “It’s just candy! See? Just a whole bunch of candy!”

Using his hooves, Bad Dude awkwardly removed both containers’ lids and slid them towards Discord. Inside both was a plethora of variously shaped pastries and sweets, some with fruit fillings and some coated with powered sugar. There were pecan tarts and coconut balls and apple-and-oat squares topped with chocolate drizzle and so much more.

As Discord stuck his head inside one of the containers, Bad Dude told him triumphantly, “See? All candy!”

Discord pulled out a tart to munch on. He smiled pleasantly. “Very nice, but you know what these are actually called? Dainties. As is ‘Dainties for Discord’. Sorry. You lose. Discovered your theme and properly ousted you for it, you cute little bag of fluff.”

Bad Dude grumbled and crossed his forelegs over his chest. “I didn’t even realize I was doing it! Honest!”

Discord pulled out a rum ball to nibble on. “Sadly, I believe you, Bad Dude. I think a part of you just always has to be cute. It’s like a switch; one I don’t even think you can turn off.”

“I can’t help it if I’m always turned on!”

Instantly, Discord choked on his sweet. “Celestia damn it, kid! No one’s setting you up for this stuff, so knock it off!”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened again. “What did I even say?”

“Oh, my! You brought more food, Sugary Topping?” Fluttershy asked, once she returned to them from her garden. Since she’d left, her mane had become frenzied and beads of sweat stuck to her temples. “That was very sweet of you, and don’t these just look delicious.”

“Why do you look like that, Fluttershy?” Bad Dude asked earnestly.

Fluttershy tried laughing it off. “Angel Bunny was in one of his moods again. I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me, but he was just being such a grump about it. But it’s all right. He’s back inside the cottage now.” She picked up a tart from one of the containers. “This looks like it must be strawberry—I’ve always loved strawberry desserts.”

She took a dainty bite before she grimaced and her eyes shot open. It appeared she was on the verge of gagging on it.

Bad Dude stared up to her expectantly. “You like ‘em, Fluttershy?”

Without swallowing, Fluttershy mumbled, “Uh-huh. Very… umm… different. Yes. You didn’t happen to drop some toothpaste into the mix by accident, did you?”

Bad Dude gasped, then quickly took both containers of dainties and reversed their place on the blanket. “I almost forgot!” he exclaimed. “One of these was just for Discord. The other one’s for us.”

As sightlessly as she could, Fluttershy spat out the pastry into a napkin and turned to him. “You put toothpaste in Discord’s sweets?”

Bad Dude nodded energetically. “Yep! And a whole bunch of other stuff, too! Discord loves weird flavors. All sorts of them!”

Discord whistled loudly. “Ohhh! Dainties just for me? How interesting… let’s see here.” He glanced at the container shoved close to him before settling on a slice of white-chocolate brownie. With an astute expression, he popped it into his mouth and lazily chewed on it.

“Confetti…” he began to list, “saw dust… ear wax… apple cores… coupons to the Hay Burger… what else? What else?”

Bad Dude giggled in joy. “Give up?”

Swallowing, Discord said, “Sure. Tell me.”

“There’s also some stuff I found under my kitchen sink in there—I think it was called ‘bleach’.”

Discord closed his eyes and gave a nod. “Of course, the faint aroma of bleach; reminds me of my teenage years, it does.”

While Discord munched on another multi-flavored treat, Bad Dude sidled up to Fluttershy to rest his head on her lap. “Hi,” he said, looking up at her.

She smiled back. “Hello, sweetie. Anything I can help you with?”

“Actually…” Bad Dude looked away for a moment, “I’ve been trying to convince Discord to join my group of friends, but I don’t think he wants to very much. Don’t you think it’s a good idea he make more friends?”

Fluttershy played with Bad Dude’s mane while directing her attention to Discord. A good chunk of her original tenderness slipped away as she spoke to him. “Discord! How could you?”

Discord, caught unawares, spat out bits of paperclip-bubblegum-shampoo-profiterole before turning to her. “How could I what?”

“Turn down such an innocent little colt’s request?” As she spoke, Bad Dude watched Discord’s response with a smirk. “He’s just happy to be your friend and now he only wants to help you make more friends. I thought you’d changed for the better, Discord.”

Discord balked and blinked, fighting on words that were never spoke. Finally, he thought of something, pointing a narrow claw in Bad Dude’s direction. “That kid’s a bad influence, you know. You even know what that colt has planned?”

When Fluttershy hastily glanced at him, Bad Dude stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. He carefully explained to her, “He’s just worried about having his trust broken again. One of my friends did something bad to him a while ago and now they don’t trust each other anymore. But isn’t a large part of friendship being able to forgive one another when they hurt you?”

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. “Yes, Sugary Topping. Yes, it is. And that’s why I think it would be a wonderful idea if Discord joined your little group and tried to forgive ponies that hurt him before.” She turned back to Discord. “Nothing bad has ever happened by having more friends, Discord; especially friends as sweet and innocent as Sugary Topping here. If I were you, I’d try acting more like him. Clearly, he knows a lot about the true power of friendship. What’s the worst that could happen by joining his cute, little group?”

Discord displayed a single fang and muttered, “I’m going to make you eat every last one of those words, Fluttershy.”

“What was that?” she asked.

“I said, ‘I’m going to make you eat every last one of those dainties, Fluttershy’. Can’t let them go to waste, can we?”

Fluttershy angled her head at him. “Don’t go getting grumpy, Discord. You like having friends… I know you just have trouble admitting it. And I think spending some time with Sugary Topping here is a great way to show you the real magic of friendship. You wouldn’t be spending so much time together unless you liked each other, right?”

Loudly, Discord snapped at what dainties remained in his container while keeping his arms folded over his chest. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

The next moment, Fluttershy whispered something into Bad Dude’s ear that made him giggle. After that, they both got to their hooves and went to stand before Discord.

Discord licked bits of sugar from his claws and narrowed his eyes at them. “Yes?”

Without a word, Fluttershy and Bad Dude pounced on him for a hug, as the thin figure fell to the ground with a thud.

“What do you think you’re—” Discord began, before genuine concern overwhelmed him. His pupils shrunk as his head whipped from Fluttershy to Bad Dude and back, both nuzzling into his furry chest and stomach.

“We just don’t want to see you be such a grump, okay, Discord?” Fluttershy explained.

“Yeah!” Bad Dude added.

“Is this…” Discord croaked out, his many-lined face turning white. “Is this how I die? I knew it was a mistake bringing you two together!” Using his lion’s paw, Discord undid the well-hidden zipper on his chest before reaching in and pulling out his heart, which appeared closer to a cartoon one than anything that could actually pump blood. He whispered to it, “Run… save yourself… don’t look back…”

With no more words necessary, Discord’s caricature of a heart sprouted both a pair of arms and legs and began scrambling away, scurrying across the backyard and well into the distance. Back in the small pile of pure fluff, Discord allowed himself to be wholly consumed, thankful his heart would live on to lurch another day.

The last thing he could remember before blacking out due to pure adorableness was Fluttershy’s words about actually joining Bad Dude’s group.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Author's Notes:

All right. I thought about being a dink again and searching for a "D word" no one guessed yet, but thought that the person that actually guessed it right deserved all the fame and glory coming their way. So, there, lucky reader, you've earned yourself a cookie. Oh, too late, Bad Dude ate it. Better luck next time! :trollestia:

But I don't think this will be the end of the "Something With Something" chapters. I'll be sure to give you all a heads up when they're coming up. And now, on wards to actually story and not just food related words! :rainbowdetermined2:

Next Chapter: Fortress, Sweet, Fortress Estimated time remaining: 7 Hours, 2 Minutes
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