You know what fucking sucks? All of the openings to chapters in this story.

Wait, let's try that again.

You know what fucking sucks? Winter. A little heat isn't so bad. If you access to some air conditioning, some nice cool water to stay hydrated, and you don't live in a desert where the heat is completely unbearable, you're usually fine. But, by choosing not to live in an area of the world that could quite literally melt your skin, you get the other side of the spectrum. Then, you get two to three months a year where you can become a living statue.

Trust me, it's not as cool as it sounds.

So, today you find yourself on your couch, with the heater running, wearing a hoodie, sweat pants, two layers of socks, and still bundled up in a blanket with arms. You have to call it a blanket with arms, because when you asked Rarity for a snuggie, she slapped you and asked what you took her for. For some reason, you're pretty sure you deserved it.

Since it's too goddamn cold to go out and do anything, you're flipping through channels trying to decide if you should watch 'The Ponies Court' or the rerun of 'Unsolved Mysteries of Equestria'. What sucked about Unsolved Mysteries is that Twilight ended up hearing about the show and solved every mystery. That took the fun out of all the episodes, so the show got cancelled. But was inexplicitly renewed for another season after Twilight became a Princess. Go figure.

Once you've settled on 'The Ponies Court', you hear three knocks at your front door.

You know who it is. That's not the question. The real question is how in a hillbilly homosexual's hell did she get here? You're pretty sure you saw a bird freeze in mid flight outside, fall from the sky, and shatter like a vase. It was fucking brutal. Moreover, really fucking metal.

Rising from your cocoon of warmth, you head to your front door and open it wide. The freezing cold bursts into your home, and you instantly realize this is a bad idea.

"F-f-fluttershy," you say, the cold flowing through you like a laxative. "What the actual fuck?"

The yellow filly wears a simple green scarf and a pair of pink earmuffs as her breath leaves trails of vapor in the cold. Then the vapor freezes to ice, falls to the ground and shatters. It's fucking cold.

Without a word, the mare reaches into her saddlebag and pulls out a strange red, cylindrical tank.

"What the fuck is that?" you ask.

"Let's see," she says to herself. "P is for pull the pin."

She pulls the pin out of the object and tosses it behind her.

"What the fuck is that?!" you ask in increasing desperation.

"A is for aim the nozzle," she whispers, pulling a nozzle off of the back of the cylinder and points it at you.

"IS THAT A MOTHER FUCKING FIRE EXTINGUISHER?"

"S is for shoot," she says happily.

And then, a strong torrent of white icy material shoots out the end of the nozzle and hits you. The cold shoots through your clothes as if it wasn't even there.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT-- FUCKING STOP!" you scream, holding your hands out to stop the spray. Which was a bad idea. Your hands quickly begin to go numb under the pressure of the ice.

"S is for sweep," she concludes, moving the nozzle to aim up and down your body.

Finally done with playing nice, you quickly kick the fire extinguisher out of her hooves and wipe the ice off your face. That's fucking it. It's fucking cold enough as it is. Now your body is numb from the cold. You probably have frostbite from being in your own goddamn home.

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID YOU FUCKING DO?"

"Did you just use the f-bomb three times in a sentence?"

"I'LL BURY YOUR BODY IN THREE DIFFERENT PLACES IF YOU DON'T EXPLAIN WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!"

"Oh!" she says happily. "I wanted to ask! Is ice play your fetish?"

You stare down at her, feeling the burning fury of a writer who witnessed the burning of the library of Alexandria.

"You have 5 seconds to run before I murder you."

The mare screams at the top of her lungs, spreads her wings, and then flutters off.

You slam the door shut, and sigh to yourself. Maybe you can take a nice lukewarm bath to try and get warm again. Then, gradually up the water to something really nice and cozy. Hell, you can treat yourself with a nice bath bomb or some shit.

However, one thing's for sure, that Fluttershy bitch can go fuck herself. If one thing is for sure, that filly is as cold as ice.