To be honest- and I think I started with those lines before but ehh- I honestly didn’t think any of you would have wanted to return after such a … long session. I mean, I was rambling pretty hard there and it must have been multiple hours of me speaking. I can only imagine how long it would have been if I wrote it all down! God, I would feel sorry for the bastards that decided to read such a garbled mess.

So, like always we should probably get the Q&A period out of the way so we can get onto the meat of the next part in the story.

First up … let’s see … you!

You know, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to restate the question for all of you to hear, but I guess that’s my fault for having such a booming voice! Haha!

Anyway, as he said, did it occur to me that the ponies were surprisingly human like? Now, that’s a good question despite only going off of what I tell you. Now that I look back on the events while I was there, and that day, it did make me wonder just how close they were to us, but then I realised something … what if … what if, they were actually the older civilisation! I mean, the Princesses were fucking old, but there was no way they had been around since the very beginning. If that was true, then we could flip that question and ask ourselves, just how close are we to ponies?

See what I’m getting at? Though, I’ll still answer your question and say I was indeed surprised that they seemed so close to us in how they acted and such. Though I think what surprised me more were the crossovers in culture and history.

Moving on, you thar!

Yes I said thar, not there. Get over it.

What motivated me to come back despite the world being a paradise? Well, first off, I never said paradise, and secondly, I’m going to dodge the question a little since it more or less gets answered throughout the story. I think I might have said something with regards to it already. Pretty sure I did, so I guess I’ll just kind of say it again.

Essentially, though the world was idyllic in so many ways, I wasn’t meant for that world. Now, listen before you think I threw away a good chance at peace. While I did, I am more or less bound to this world because of everything that I’ve left behind already. Sure it’s a measly strand of a reason to hold onto, but as long as my family rests in the dirt that this world holds I will stay bound to this world.

Right, next question. You there.

Fine, I’ll allow a double question but only if you keep it short. Any explanation on Discord’s abilities and what do I think is the definition of insanity?

First off, I don’t have any explanation. I mean, I met him a few times after that, which I will tell you about, but assuming that we are going off that sole meeting … well actually even with all the other times I have no fucking clue. It’s like he actually knows he’s a goddamned hacker! Seriously … freaky as fuck!

As for the second question, I really, really, really, wish I would have memorized that Vaas quote just for this one time. Truly I missed out on a great opportunity! I mean I remembered the entire Flaming Dragon rant, but not this one … I am disappointed in myself right now. As for the answer to your question, I’ll go with Einstein’s answer. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Cliche, but I believe it.

Also Vaas is from a game long ago. Just a clarification.

Alright, you’re next.

What about the bits? If they were gold why didn’t I bring any back? That’s assuming that I didn’t. Though you are correct I guess, since I didn’t. The bits were indeed gold, but the reason I didn’t bring any back is actually going to be a complete shocker to all of you … I forgot. With everything that happened leading up to my return, I completely forgot to even think of bringing back such valuable currency. Everyone makes mistakes and that was one of my mistakes that I regret little, but at the same time I wonder … what if I remembered?

Oh well, last question.

With how many events that happened during that day, what was the most memorable? Now that’s a tough one considering that the entire day had many instances of very memorable moments. I could easily say that the time spent with Gilda was extremely memorable while at the same time so was the whole drinking contest which essentially started everything. You could also say my meeting with the reality-hacking Discord was also memorable.

I guess what I am trying to say is that everything can be memorable depending on what you define as memorable and what you feel the need to remember. I guess if I really had to choose an overall winner … it was the time spent with Gilda. Call me sappy, but it really reminded me of a lot of things that I had basically forgotten. Hell, it was the first time I opened the photo album in over four years.

Let’s move on. Enough questions for this time.

So I woke up to three things. The first being the sunlight that had somehow snuck around the castle and shone just bright enough to irritate the fuck out of me and force me to wake up. Secondly, I found Gilda still cuddled up to me, with her head resting on the general area of my belly, which was adorable since she did that little snore thing she does. The third was something I only really noticed when I was finally awake.

My nose was on fucking fire. It was as though I had swallowed a jalapeño … with my nose. Yeah, that bad.

I manned up long enough to slide out from under a still sleeping GIlda, gently laying her head down in the process, before I bolted to the nearest fountain … and there was many. In the statue garden area there had to be four fountains at least, and the one I bolted to luckily had a collection pond at the base of the thing.

So without any hesitation I tossed my hat and glasses off, unwrapped my scarves and proceeded to dunk my head underwater for a good twenty seconds before returning to the surface. While it helped for the most part, I had inhaled whatever it was which just meant I would have to tough it out until it decided to go away.

You know when something goes up your nose and then enters the back of your throat? You know how you can sort of taste it? Yeah … I had a little taste …

Cayenne pepper.

Someone had put cayenne pepper under my nose.

And that someone was waving from one of the tall towers of the castle.

I just happened to look up after dunking my head, and I found Luna gazing down at me while waving one of her hooves in a rather ecstatic fashion while the other was covering her face. No doubt in an attempt to stifle a giggle or a full blown laugh. Either way, I knew who my culprit was … and I intended for some revenge.

“You okay?” Gilda asked as she came up behind me. I looked at her with my dripping wet face, much to her amusement. “Haha, what happened?! You decided to wash your face in the fountain or something?”

“Yeah … had to clean out my nose … some blue horse decided that putting cayenne pepper under my nose would go without punishment,” I said before grabbing my scarves and drying my face. They would dry in time, and I didn’t need them right away, instead all I needed was a little direction. “I think we’ll see how well she fares with revenge from a mind that had to deal with a college baseball team’s pranks.”

“You’re going to prank the Princess? Count me out, dude … I don’t want to get banished or anything,” she said as she wove her good talon in front of her face, the universal way of saying ‘fuck no.’

“Don’t worry, you can head back to your room or wherever … I need to go search for a castle hospital … or perhaps a drug store … mind lending me some bits?” I said with a grin that made Gilda’s eyes widen. She simply nodded before handing me the bag of bits she kept concealed before heading off. Apparently she didn’t want to even know how much I needed.

I made my way to the nearest entrance that could possibly have guards. First off, I needed to ask them if there was a castle hospital.

When I found a pair, I got my answer quickly and without hesitation. They probably had some kind of note or something saying I was all good. Who knew, anyway, my answer was much to my liking since they did in fact have a hospital that was housed in the castle. First part of my plan was going smoothly.

As stealthily as one could be while also trying to act nonchalantly, I made my way to the hospital along with my new guard escort. So yeah, it wasn’t as stealthily as I wanted, but perhaps I could persuade them … hmm.

When we reached the hospital, I asked if they could wait outside for me to return.

Now, the castle hospital looked much like a normal one you’d actually see nowadays in that it had a makeshift feel, though for them it was probably due to the fact that they only needed to treat a certain amount of ponies if needed. Either way, they had a front desk with a mare sitting behind it, doing paperwork or something. On the left side of the desk, there was a set of doors that had a sign saying ‘Staff Only’ while on the right side, there was an open doorway without doors that lead to beds in the back.

“Good day, my good mare … I was wondering if perhaps I could acquire a few laxatives. It seems I’ve been rather irregular lately,” I said with a rather sophisticated accent, so as to make myself seem important.

She simply stared at me for a second before she got up from her chair and replied. “Take a seat, and I’ll have a doctor out shortly.”

“Ah, you see, Nurse …” I leaned in to look at the badge on her clothes, “Purple Heart, I am rather in a rush and I need those laxatives … preferably extra strong ones.”

She stopped and eyed me wearily, before turning to completely face me. She stayed silent for a few more seconds before her eyes narrowed and she spoke up again. “I have a feeling you’re not actually ‘irregular.’”

“Perhaps … I can persuade you?” I said while pulling out the bit bag from the pouch I had placed it in.

“Who’s getting pranked?” she asked with a deep sigh. That made me infinitely curious. My eyes widened in response to her statement.

Hold your fucking horses! The Nurse explains it if you can just fucking wait!

“Pranked?” I asked simply, pretending to be shocked.

“Yes, though you are the first to ask for laxatives in a long time,” she said before seeing my confusion still. “You must be really new … Princess Celestia is infamous for good natured pranking along with Princess Luna. They've picked on many a pony in the past, especially themselves. So I’ll ask again, who’s getting pranked?”

“Luna,” I said simply. It was beyond amusing to think that the two immortal rulers often decided to prank their subjects, let alone themselves. Oh, that meant I would have to initiate both plans at once.

“The laxatives won’t do much to her since we’re fresh out of ones that powerful,” she said with a shrug. That made no sense! She had a liver that was inferior to mine! How could she have strong bowels? It didn't matter really but it meant one thing; I had to change my plans up.

“Can use chloroform to knock out a Princess?” I asked, which shocked the nurse greatly. She looked up at me as though I had suggested murdering her. Though, within a few moments that shock turned to a sinister smile.

“While not chloroform specifically, I do know of something. Let me see what I can do,” she said before she trotted to the back. Good … good. I was slowly forming my plan. The next part still involved getting the guards on my side. So I poked my head out of the hospital doors to check on my escort.

“Question … either of you ever been pranked by Luna?” I asked quickly, and though they didn’t reply immediately, they both flinched just enough to confirm that my suspicions were correct. “Ten bits apiece if you play along and act as a distraction. I’m going to get her good.”

“Done,” they both said in unison. Perfect.

So by the time I paid them and turned back into the hospital, I was met with a nurse holding up a cloth and small capped bottle that barely had anything in it.

“Turn the bottle over in the cloth. I made sure to leave just the right amount to knock out an alicorn in it. Just cover her nostrils, and she’ll be out like a light,” Purple Heart said.

“You … you are a mare that would watch the world burn …” I said before grinning like an idiot. “Mind saving me a spot next to you?”

She merely laughed before hoofing me the cloth and bottle. When I put them in my pockets, I turned around and left before saying thank you to the amazing nurse. I would definitely not rat her out while I was on death row.

So my guard escort and I moved on, the next place, the kitchen.

“Right, so I need to know … do you guys have condoms here? Be serious, this is part of the prank, and no it doesn’t involve sex with Luna,” I had to clarify to the almost frightened guards. I decided not to get their names since I didn’t want to implicate them when the whole thing was over. Either way, they both told me that condoms were a thing.

“Good, I need one of you to buy me about two dozen. I think twenty bits should suffice, right?” I asked before receiving a ‘yes’. So I handed over twenty bits and watched the stallion gallop away before I remembered to call out one last thing. “Meet us in the kitchen!”

Little did I know, I could have gotten those condoms in the hospital, which I presumed was exactly where the stallion went. Oh well, twenty bits of Gilda’s well spent. The next part needed to happen quickly …

“When does Celestia and Luna have breakfast?”

“An hour and a half from now,” the guard said without even checking a watch or anything. I didn’t even want to know how he knew right off the bat like that. Whatever it was that allowed for such a thing to happen, I chalked it up to reality hacking.

“Good, we’re going to need to do this within that time frame. We’ll need at least two more ponies on board …” I muttered.

“I can get you a dozen easily,” he stated bluntly.

“Really? Fucking sweet … let’s get to the kitchen first. Once there, we’ll prep the next part,” I said.

Long story short, we made it to the kitchen swiftly and just before the other guard caught up with us from a different direction. I still think that he went to the hospital but I had no proof … oh well. Anyway, when we entered, it was empty save for one chef in there. Apparently most weren’t due for another forty five minutes. Fuck it was really early, well that just meant everything was going to be that much simpler.

Sorry, but I’m going to shorten the conversation since it was rather dull.

Essentially it went along the lines of me asking if the chef would be complacent in an epic prank on Luna. She agreed and left the kitchen after directing us to where the yoghurt supplies were. Yeah you can kind of see where this is going, right? Good.

The guard who escorted me to the kitchen left to find some buddies to help while I explained to the other guard, who was a unicorn thankfully … I mean no offence but a non-unicorn would have sucked at this part, that he needed to fill the condoms with yoghurt but only an amount that a stallion would produce. It was a fucking awkward conversation, but he understood what I meant … much to my delight that I didn’t have to fucking show him.

Roughly around the time I finished with tell him his part, the other guard returned with four more recruits, though they were willing to work for free thankfully. The next part would be the toughest by far … we needed to get Luna from her room and into the dining room without being spotted, and do it as quickly as possible. We were running out of time, since there was just under an hour left.

So my four new buddies and I made our way stealthily through the castle halls, and up the winding tower to where Luna’s room was. I was worried about the stairs, but if Luna was as light to carry as the rest, then I could easily haul her over my shoulder. That or I could get one of the unicorns to carry her in their levitation field or whatever.

By the way, if all of this feels like I am speeding through it, good. I’m doing it for a reason because let me tell you, all of this … it happens before seven thirty in the fucking morning! Do you even comprehend how much more of the day there is to go? I mean, I like to ramble on and on, but that doesn’t mean I want to be here forever, just talking about stuff in a ridiculously slow way.

Now, when we reached the doors of chamber, I noticed that there were two ponies in front of the doors that were much different in appearance to all the other ponies I had seen. I’ll try and explain this as simply as possible …

Take a bat. Take a non-unicorn pony. Now give said pony a darker coat, kind of like a medium grey or something, than plant bat wings on its sides that are proportionate to the pony. Finally give them those vertical slit eyes like a cat, and add some elongated canines and boom! Bat-pony. Oh and for some reason they had much … fluffier ears than a regular pony. Don’t know why but it’s true.

So, yep, that’s what the two guards outside of the door looked like. In a way it kind of made sense to me because Luna was the Princess of the Night and bats are more nocturnal creatures … so … see where I’m going? Good.

I gave a low whistle to get there attention, though we were just at the point where the stairs merged with the flight. I didn’t dare go farther since I didn’t want Luna to hear me. The both looked over to me with disinterest. I waved them over, but they just shook their heads before returning to staring straight forward.

“Shit … well unless any of you have an idea to distract them without Luna noticing, we might be screwed. ‘Cause I was hoping to buy them off …” I said to my retinue who were farther down the stairs. They all took a few moments to ponder before one of them started to smirk.

“Give me a second to remember it,” the unicorn guard said before his horn lit up. So we waited a few moments before the only two pegasi in our group suddenly were consumed in a bright flash.

When the flash faded and the spots cleared from my eyes, there stood two more bat ponies! Fucking clever, right?!

“How?” I asked with a grin.

“It’s a simple enchantment spell that we are required to know if The Night Guard’s numbers are insufficient. That hasn’t been the case as of late since many bat pony tribes are still returning to Equestria, but it’s still taught,” the unicorn said with pride.

“Fucking A plus … I’ll add what you did to my eulogy. You’ll forever be remembered as the one that saved the plan. So we’ll need to retreat back down all these steps and wait for them to change guards,” I said before we broke off. The two remaining regular guards followed me back down the stairs and down a hallway where we waited for the other two to do their jobs.

Eventually, after waiting a few minutes, the two bat pony guards trotted down a hallway that, thankfully, wasn’t ours. That of course was our cue to move, so we hustled our way back up the stairs to find our compatriots waiting just at the top of the steps.

“Right, now we need to lure her out. I might be sneaky as fuck, but her hearing, not to mention her nose, will probably pick me up easily. We need to get her out of the room in a panic so she won’t recognise me right away. Create some sort of distress to draw her out, I’ll be waiting on the other side to sneak up from behind,” I said to the group. They all nodded, and they took their places in front of the door to offer a distraction.

When I was in place, and I had poured out the bottle of chloroform into the rag, I pointed at them to go ahead.

“Princess Luna! We have a problem down in the castle! The human has taken a pony hostage and demands to speak!” the only earth pony in the group said. Those motherfuckers, am I right? Using me as my own distraction! Cheeky bastards … not to mention clever.

The sounds of her … shoes I guess, echoed behind the doors before they opened up. Luna stepped out with a little anger behind each step. I could tell because they were harder than usual.

“He has taken a pony hostage!? And I trusted him … alright, lead me to where he is. Do you know who he took hostage?” she asked, setting me up for one of the most perfectly timed responses in my life.

“Yeah,” I said as I snuck up right behind her, the rag with chloroform on it in hand. “You.”

With that, I wrapped the hand not holding the chloroform around her horn, and placed the rag right in front of her nostrils. She initially struggled for a second, eyes wide in pure surprise, but eventually the chloroform kicked in and she was out like a light.

Now, the next part can be summarized as something that sounds and was completely silly.

Four guards, escorting a human that was carrying the Princess of the Night over his shoulder, running through the halls of the castle.

We bumped past a few maids that looked completely shocked until the guards simply said, ‘Prank.’ Apparently the entire staff was onto the games that the Diarchs played. Well they would all hear about this hilarious situation afterwards … as well as my death at the hands of the blue alicorn.

When we finally reached the kitchen, the unicorn guard that I had left in charge of the condom filling was sipping on some water while over a dozen condoms full of yoghurt were suspended in his magic.

“Perfect! Now to the dining room! We need to get her all set up for when Celestia arrives!” I said before hustling to the dining room, Luna’s surprisingly light frame not hindering me that much.

I’m going to skip the set-up of Luna and just go straight to the whole event. Yeah, it’s going to be hilarious to talk about, but you have to wait a second for the events leading up to set it up perfectly.

Now when we were finished setting up the Princess, I, along with the original two guards that had joined me, walked away from the dining hall and towards an intersection in hallways that would allow me to meet Celestia on the way to the dining room. Also, by sheer coincidence, I also met all of the mares … and griffoness that was part of the party yesterday.

When the intercept happened, Celestia was making her way down from her tower.

“Well, good morning, Ryan. I’m glad to see you are still around … I was afraid after last night you would have left,” she said with a genuine smile on her lips.

“As tempting as it was to just walk away, I figured I can stay for a bit longer. I mean, I’ll be leaving eventually, but I think I’ll grace you all with my presence for a little longer,” I replied with a chuckle.

She merely laughed in response as we made our way in the direction of the dining room. As we approached the entrance, we intercepted the other eight, who were all walking in one big group.

There was a small cheer of ‘Morning Princess Celestia’ from the entire group, some who still looked groggy from sleep. Well when they opened the door … no grogginess left, I can assure you all of that.

Celestia replied with greetings to each of them there. It made sense why she was as loved as it seemed … she was, and not to be too crude, fucking nice as hell. Haha!

Alright, ready for all the reactions?

Good, because they were all so amazing. I mean, even Gilda, who knew something was going to happen, was completely shocked by it all.

When the doors were finally opened, the entire group fell deathly silent as jaws dropped and eyes bugged out. Hell, Rarity and Fluttershy fainted outright!

There, on the table, laying in a rather suggestive position, was Luna … covered in splotches of yoghurt that looked closer to … well you know what, I don’t need to say it. Spread about, on her and around her, were the condoms that also held the yoghurt. She had at least half of them on her body, including one across her muzzle! Another was also wrapped around her horn … it was truly a glorious sight.

Now, despite my rather … adequate, I guess, description, I want to emphasise just how crazy this looked to the ponies.

Celestia … the sister who had bet on the drinking contest, and had probably seen everything that there was to be seen … had her jaw hanging open and her eyes as wide as they could be. One of them was even twitching! It was amazing!

I did everything in my power to not laugh as to give away the fact it was a prank. Instead, I used one hand to close my nose while I slowly approached the unconscious Luna. I felt it was my civic duty to wake her up and show her just what a compromising situation she was in.

So when I neared her, I made a fake gag just for good measures, though at the same time I realised that the ponies should have been able to at least smell the difference … though in retrospect, the shock of the sight was probably enough to make them consider not listening to their noses.

“Oh, Luna … wakey wakey, Princess of Orgies,” I said as I poked her. That statement got a small laugh from Rainbow Dash behind me.

I had to poke her a few times in the side, which was luckily not a spot with yoghurt on it, before she started to stir awake. Apparently Purple Heart was some sort of psychic and saw just how much of the stuff we would need. It was a blessing and a little freaky, but I paid no mind to that thought, instead opting to focus on Luna and what would surely be the one prank to rule them all.

“Wha … what?” she asked in a very groggy state, not even noticing anything was wrong as she moved slightly.

“It looks like you had a little bit of fun last night … well actually more than a little bit! Take a bath or something,” I said in a mocking tone. I knew she would remember what happened eventually but I thought I might as well taken a few moments to get in a few good quips.

“A bath … what do … you … mean,” she managed to whisper out as she saw the condom still sitting on her muzzle.

“I bet all of the guards are happy!” I said before making a hasty retreat back to the rest of the group.

Her eyes widened much like the rest, but then promptly narrowed to the size of pinpricks, which was a rather freaky thing to see, but with how big those ponies eyes were … it made sense in a proportional way.

Eventually the shock managed to wear off as she looked at me with pure rage in her eyes … and a little bit of mirth at such a good prank, but that was quickly snuffed out by the rage.

“Well, my work here is done,” I said before backing up through the dining room doors. “It was good knowing all of you. I expect to be buried somewhere nice. Keep the funeral small, but make sure you read my last words. They’re in my breast pocket … if you ever find my body, that is.”

When I was finished speaking, I bolted down a hallway as quickly as I could, but the last thing I saw as I peeked over my shoulder was Celestia finally realising what happened and falling down as she started to wail in laughter.

After that, I focused on seeing how far from the castle I could get before being caught by a yoghurt-covered alicorn. You’d be amazed at how much your vision narrows when it’s life and death … or you’re at least under the perception you’re on the brink of death.

I busted my ass down those hallways, rounding corners and almost running down ponies that were just doing their jobs. I’m pretty sure I was reaching the fastest speed a human could possibly run while carrying about twenty to forty pounds worth of gear. Of course it didn’t help that in between panting breaths I was laughing so hard that my lungs hurt.

I was going down one hall when I happened to run into the nurse. Well run into in the sense that I saw her entering the hall. Quick thinking helped me utilize the situation.

“Tell me how to exit the castle!” I yelled at her while sprinting down the hall towards her, only slowing down a little as I neared her.

She must have picked up on the urgency because she instantly replied, “Next right, then your second left, then the last right.”

“I’ll remember this!” I yelled as I passed her, once again picking up speed as I followed her directions.

Now, this time I did end up running into a pony as I rounded the corner. Unfortunately for me it happened to be a pair of guards, so not only did I just assault, technically, a guard, but I also slammed my right knee into metal armour. If I wasn’t so hyped up on adrenaline, I probably would have started limping in pain.

Instead, I merely stumbled before picking up the pace once more, yelling a brief apology over my shoulder. Of course that didn’t satisfy them, they instead opted to yell at me and start chasing me as well. Now, I know by normal standards, horses and ponies can easily outrun a human, because four legs are better than two, right?

Thankfully, this wasn’t normal standards and that ponies were smaller than their human equivalents. Also, they apparently had trouble on polished surfaces. I was able to make my turns perfectly, but both of the guards slid into the walls on both instances. That of course helped me gain a massive lead on them. What also helped was that both were earth ponies so no cheating in terms of flying or using hacker magic.

I entered the massive entrance hall quickly and did the first thing that came to my mind instead of taking each step on the way down. I slid down the rail that flanked the left side of the stairs.

I’d like to note that it was my first successful slide down a rail. Apparently in times when you are fleeing for your life, you’re able to pull of many feats that are amazing by your own standards.

This gave me open room to run, which could have been my downfall if I wasn’t in the shape that I was in. That, and if I didn’t know the keys to sprinting.

Run on the balls of your feet, mainly your toes, and your legs can only go as fast as your arms can pump. True fact! So when I hit open ground, and thankfully open doors, I kicked it into a gear that was purely aided by adrenaline. Hell of a drug that your body makes!

It took me no time at all to clear the entrance hall and the little bit of open air between it and the Entrance Building. I had to slam through the doors to the Entrance Building … which sent two more ponies flying based off the subsequent crashes, but I could deal with that later, I just had to get out of that city as soon as possible. Anything short of that and I would have been easily tracked and returned. Sure there were hiding spots but if they cordoned off the city then I was fucked. My only hope for survival was to somehow clear the distance from the castle to the Everfree forest before they could catch me. I figured I had a good chance.

Now, when I cleared the Entrance Building and passed into the city itself, I immediately racked my brain to remember the way to the front gate … which I had never been to but it had to be in the same direction as the train station. That was assuming that logic would work.

So as I bust out running down the streets, and through the crowds and what not, you’d be amazed at how many ponies just don’t do anything despite seeing a two legged unknown creature bowling his way through the street.

Long story short, I reached the thankfully wide open gates. Another amazing coincidence, was that not a single guard was standing in front of the gate. In fact, it was open as though they had no clue what had happened! I was going to make it.

I was about to cross the threshold of the gate when I spun around briefly to point two gloved middle fingers at the looming castle before yelling, “I win, bitches!”

I then promptly spun around, threw my arms up in brief celebration and took about four more steps before the world became a blinding shade of white. That white only happened for a split second before I was looking down at the flooring of the castle, which was marble when I could actually tell. Of course it was a perfectly shiny and clean marble floor until I up-chucked the contents of my stomach all over said marble flooring.

Yeah, apparently being displaced through teleportation took a toll on one’s body when they had not experienced it before.

Now, despite what all your faces are telling me, no it wasn’t a horrifying up-chuck that made one feel along the lines of them dying. In fact, I don’t think I’ve experienced such a feeling in my life. Some people see throwing up as something horrific and rather terrifying to experience. I’ve thrown up a lot in my life. Enough times to know that, despite the taste and initial feeling, it is something that is necessary from time to time.

So despite the ‘ewws’ and ‘gross’ statements from the group behind me, I just made sure I got all of it out of me before leaning back. I was still on my knees, so I was in a kneeling position as I pulled a rag, not the chloroform one which I had disposed of earlier, out of one of my pockets and promptly wiped my beard free of any traces of puke. One of the many problems of having a beard. Stuff will get in it, plain and simple, many of you know that feeling.

“It … um, seems I acted a little hastily with that teleport,” Luna’s voice cut in behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to confirm it. Hell, if I still had a little bit of bile left in me, it was going on the pile I had already started.

“Just a tad bit … at least now I know what it feels like to be destroyed and then put back together,” I replied grimly.

“What!?” The shout from behind was by Purple Smart. “But that’s not how teleportation works! It merely bends the walls of reality to punch a hole through, allowing one to pulled through said hole and into the new position! It must have had some sort of adverse affect on your physiology! Incredible yet completely horrifying!”

“Pulling your leg, Purple Smart. It felt closer to be launched into the air, then being pulled back down with the same force … ten times over … in immediate succession,” I said with a chuckle before gagging and spitting up a little more bile. Fuck I really wish I had Tums on me, just retelling it is making my stomach queasy. None of you will ever understand the beauty that was chalky calcium chewable tablets … they can do wonders for your stomach.

“I’m still sorry, Ryan,” Luna said from behind me. Honestly I was a little surprised that she hadn’t dragged me into a cell by then.

“Why are you sorry over that, I’m pretty sure my next destination is jail,” I said with some dry humour, though it was also what I thought was going to happen.

“Jail?” Celestia replied with a chuckle. “Faust, no. It was merely a prank! An extremely impressive one, mind you. I’m actually a little surprised that you pulled something off. If anything, I think I should give you a reward for pulling off such a feat.”

It was then I decided to turn around and figure out what the fuck was happening. So I stood on shaky feet, still reeling from the spell, but I managed to get standing without falling or stepping into the puddle of puke that was still on the floor. I was a little wobbly on my feet, but when I managed to turn around, I gave them the best face I could managed for hearing such a line. I pursed my lips, tilted my head to the right, and squinted at them before finally saying, “What?”

Surprisingly, despite what her sister said, Luna wasn’t surprised at all, or for that matter looking angry in any sort of way. Instead, she was smiling along with her sister, though there was also a little bit of a predatory grin in her smile. It told me that I had started something that I didn’t want to be a part of.

“In the long lives of my sister and I, I don’t think we've ever seen such cleverness pulled off by a mortal being. I mean, it can’t stand on the same level as our pranks that have had years of planning, but for any being to pull of such a feat in a mere morning … I would say that even Discord would be proud,” she said with a small smile despite the flinch that followed that name.

Of course you can guess what happened next.

“You’re darn tootin’ that Ah’m proud of that son of a gun!” Discord said before materializing out of nowhere, wearing a cowboy hat and cow print chaps. He was even talking with an extremely fake western accent.

“Discord, what did I say about making fun of ponies,” Fluttershy said as she … well … fluttered up to the ‘God of Chaos.’

“Aww fine,” he said before snapping his fingers and the entire get up disappeared in poof of magic and smoke. “With or without the costume, I’m still so proud! So much chaos and I didn’t have to lift a claw!”

“How’s this chaos?” I asked simply.

“How’s this chaos? How’s this chaos?!” he asked in a shocked manner, his eyes actually popping out of his head. “My dear boy, this is the epitome of chaos! From the prank to the reactions! How can this not be chaos?!”

“It was planned. For it to be true chaos, things would have had to happen without a single soul understanding what was happening. As long as there is a thought before the execution, it can no longer be considered true chaos. If I were to punch you right now, it would only be random to those who aren’t me, but I would have still pre-meditated the action so it cannot be chaos,” I said before letting a horrible tasting burp go. Still had bile apparently.

He did that gaping fish mouth thing. You know, the one where someone wants to retort back, and tries to but they fail to find any words? Where they keep opening and closing their mouth until they eventually decide that the only winning move is not to play? I know it’s rare but surely some of you have seen it! Bah, simpletons!

Anyway, apparently I had somehow reasoned the Mad God to the point where there was steam coming out of his ears. Actual steam, not metaphorical steam; it was odd to say the least, but by then I expected anything to happen when the draconequus was involved. Try to say that species name three times fast!

Eventually, Discord found his words which was probably the most random thing he had done up to that point. “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!”

Then he promptly disappeared. Sure I was a little confused at first, considering he referenced a really old cartoon series from even before my time. Well … just before my time, I was still able to catch reruns of it. Either way, after a brief contemplation on how he knew that saying, with me deciding it was through his even more powerful hacking abilities, I decided to let loose a laugh. One that was as deep a bellowing as I could make it. A real gut laugh that one would have expected out of a very husky type of person.

Eventually my laughter died down, and I actually did that whole slap your knee thing when I was finished. Everything about the day had been just pure nonsense, whether or not it was planned.

When I looked back up at the group, they were all eyeing me cautiously as if I was going to explode or something. I just flashed them a smile before replying in the easiest voice, “So when’s breakfast?”

I’ll use this phrase again, long story short, the mess got cleaned up and we were once again sitting at the table, waiting on food. Truly I had it easy right then. It was probably the easiest time of my life, but do you ever get that pull to return to what you once knew? That, despite everything, you wanted to go back to how things used to be?

It was that feeling that I was getting as we waited for food, the rest of group chatting animatedly while I just sat there in contemplation. Yeah I was thinking about giving up the life of luxury that had come from the … not even a full day of time spent in the castle.

I missed the wandering. It was who I was for the longest period of time, and I was yearning to get back to it all. I knew that I would be leaving the castle soonish. I had made up my mind when I reached Ponyville that as soon as I had helped Trixie and Gilda, I would move on. Drop off the statue, find a way for Twilight to get in touch with me, and then go explore. Wander once again.

Yeah, I’m going to stop calling her Purple Smart all the time. It was funny for a while but I think I overused it, huh?

My mind was set, I would go back to Ponyville with the group when they left, then say goodbye and continue my never ending journey. If only the kid from Vault 101 could see me become the older, yet spitting image of him.

Though he is a fictional character in our universe so highly unlikely chance of that!

No, I’m not going to explain what I meant.

No, I said-

Fine, just shut up!

One word: Multiverse.

That means that there are universes or dimensions that can be anything we’ve ever done but slightly different, or it could be based off of something we’ve written. Hell, Equestria could just be a children’s story in some universe! Who knows!?

Eventually the food came, just some eggs and pancakes, which made me grateful that they had invented pancakes.

So we ate in silence, or at least I did. Others talked and I merely paid attention to my food; the need for me to be involved with any conversation had not yet arrived and I would have liked it delayed as long as possible. Despite loving the sound of my own voice, which I will agree to only because you’re all thinking it, I enjoy silence. Though I’m pretty sure I had said that before.

When the food was finished, we all just lingered at the table for a while, relaxing and basking in the delicious food that had been served. Of course, the silence and precious moments after the meal was broken by someone deciding to ask a question. This time it was Celestia.

“So what are all my little ponies’ plans for the day?”

“Well it’s been awhile since most of us have been to Canterlot, and it’s Gilda’s first time, so we figured we’d go and check out the shops and just have a nice day out on the town,” Twilight said.

“That sounds like a wonderful time, though I think you forgot somepony … or should I say someone,” Celestia said, all the while hinting towards me.

Twilight’s eyes widened for a second as she realised a mistake or something before she stammered out a few words that were hardly coherent. I cut her off though by speaking my mind.

“They didn’t forget anyone, Celestia. Even if they had offered, I would have refused. I might have grown up in a city, but I no longer wish to see one. I think I’ll mosey on down to an open field or something, get some relaxation in. Or perhaps go for a run. I can find ways to entertain myself,” I said with a small smile.

“Are you sure, I mean, it wouldn’t be much of an issue, darling,” Rarity of all ponies spoke up.

“Consider this. If you look around the table, what do you see?” I asked, hoping they might arrive at the conclusion. Of course the answers were not what I was trying to get across.

“Three alicorns, two unicorns, two pegasi, two earth ponies, a griffon, and a human?” Twilight suggested.

“A bunch of cool ponies and griffons, and human dork?” Rainbow offered, which earned a snicker from Gilda.

Now I expected Pinkie to all of a sudden jump in a point out some sort of random conclusions, only because she looked like she was ready to do just that. Her bouncing in her chair was starting to annoy even me! Luckily, Luna came up with the right answer.

“Eight mares, one griffoness, and a sole human male,” Luna replied.

“Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! As you can tell, girls, after that was pointed out, I am the only male here and no offence, while I bet I would see a bunch of cool things along the way, the estrogen in the room is starting to get to my head. In fact, after Rainbow Dash and I have a little chat, I’m going to see about finding a nice out of the way spot to take a little me time,” I said in response before standing up. “Let’s go, Rainbow. We have stuff to discuss.”

She groaned initially before taking to the air and following me towards the door.

“Wait, you’re just leaving like that? And taking Rainbow with you? Why her?” Gilda asked, a little bewildered at the whole thing.

“I have things to discuss with her, Gilda. You’ll get her back afterwards with nary a scratch,” I said with a wink, which caused the griffon to blush shyly.

And I’m going to skip to the next scene after the talk. Another one of those private moments, you know?

I’m glad you are all finally understanding why I am doing it. Very mature of you.

Ryan walked down the hallway for a few more steps before stopping in front of a random door, which he opened before peaking into it briefly. When he pulled his head back out of the room, he opened the doors fully before gesturing for Rainbow Dash to enter the room. Once she had walked in, he followed behind her and shut the doors.

“Fine, so we’re here, what now?” Rainbow Dash asked gruffly. She didn’t want to have to go through with a talk about her friend. Sure if it hadn’t been for the human, she probably would have never gotten back together with Gilda, but that didn’t mean he wanted to talk about mushy feelings or anything like that if she could help it.

“I’m going to be as blunt as possible because you seem to prefer it that way,” Ryan said as he pulled up one of the chairs from the room. It was a small conference room that they had entered. Standard stuff like chairs and tables were obviously there. He flipped the chair around before sitting on it backwards. “Gilda, despite our short time travelling together, means a fair amount to me. I was one of the first she has ever opened up to.”

“Yeah, she told me-” Rainbow said before being cut off by Ryan.

“Shut up and listen. She might not be flesh and blood but she’s basically family to me right now, Rainbow. So let me get this clear. She might not be the best at times, hard to handle comes to mind, but if for even one moment you abandon her without trying to fix the mistake … no matter where I am, you will pay the price for hurting her,” Ryan said with a very stern voice. One that spoke of practice in being confrontational.

“You think I’d just abandon her. I’m the bucking Element of Loyalty! I don’t abandon my friends,” she all but yelled back, flying up and into Ryan’s face.

“You abandoned her last time, so don’t lie through those teeth of yours or you might not have any left for future lies,” Ryan said, not moving from his spot.

Rainbow growled slightly but couldn’t refute what he was saying. She had abandoned Gilda, though at the time she thought it was the right move. She had been the one to buck things up, so she had been in the right. Had she?

“There are few people in the universe that have only evil intent in their hearts. I can tell you’re not one of them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do the wrong thing when a situation arises. So from here on out, I expect you to actually use your head and think an action through. Gilda has gone through a lot to be back with one of her, if not her best friends,” Ryan said, not moving from his chair but his tone getting gradually lighter. “I don’t need to hear what you two spoke about, but whatever becomes of your relationship, I expect you to at least not hurt her like last time.”

Rainbow just hovered in the air for a few moments, looking around, doing anything to avoid making eye contact with Ryan. Eventually, as she processed her next words and what Ryan said, she realised he’d said something more than interesting. Gilda had mentioned that she had feelings for Rainbow, and despite the shock to her, she had told Gilda that if she had a little bit of time to gather herself, she would respond to such a statement. How did Ryan know of this? “Relationship?”

“Not my place to imply things, but even a friendship can be a relationship. What I know about everything, and what she has told you might be two different things, but let me be clear. As of right now, and as long as she is within my reach, I’m taking over the role of her guardian. The previous one forfeited her. Her birth father he may be, but even he would have to go through me. She's been through one layer of hell ... I won't let her go through another.”

Rainbow gulped a little, though making sure she didn’t outwardly display that nervous little action. It had been obvious to Rainbow from the moment she met him that Ryan was not one to take lightly, even if she could fly faster than he moved. The mere inflections in his voice implied that she was hardly anything to him in the long run.

“Do we understand each other? Don’t hurt Gilda through your stupidity, and we’ll never have an issue. Now, you’ve got to get back to your friends, and I’ve got some relaxing to do. Off with you,” he said as he finally stood up.

Rainbow was still a little cautious after the sheer threatening implications of his statement, but she eventually made her way to the now open doors that Ryan stood beside. He had a small smile on his face, which Rainbow couldn’t understand. Why was he smiling after all of that?

As she made her way back to the dining room and Ryan went the other direction, she looked back at him one last time before shaking her head. She definitely needed to think about what she was getting into if Gilda accepted his claim …

So after the talk with Rainbow Dash, which let me tell you went well despite the topic, I decided to make my way back to the open courtyard or at least possibly a park, I didn’t really know at the time.

Though my time away from them would take a little twist instead of what I had planned. See, as I reached the entrance hall, a pair of guards entered from the doors that lead to the eastern courtyard. At first I didn’t care, but within a few moments I came to realise that they were the same guards that had originally helped me with my prank.

“The human lives!” the unicorn said aloud before walking up to me. “We heard all about the results and what happened. I have to say, I didn’t expect you to actually try and flee the castle.”

“It was bucking hilarious! I saw him bolt through the castle as though Celestia had lit his fur on fire!” the pegasi guard gushed with a chuckle. I merely flashed them a grin before responding.

“If you had seen her face when I woke her up, you would have been running for your lives as well. Now, since we’re both safe from the wrath of Luna, I never got your names,” I said to them.

“I’m Wind Shear,” the pegasi responded first before pointing a wing at his partner, “and that is Sigil.”

“Ryan,” I replied simply before bumping my fist against their hoofs. I had seen a couple of ponies do that when walking through Ponyville and Canterlot, so I figured it was their way of shaking hands … hooves. “So what’s going on?”

“We’re just about to head back to the barracks. The Sergeant wanted to run some drills with the platoon so we need to get back before he chews us out,” Wind Shear said with a shrug of his shoulders … withers, whatever.

“You should come, it would spark the interest of the guards. Not to mention but a few of them are curious of your skills. I mean, you look military after all,” Sigil offered. I couldn’t help but grin at the fact that another pony had mistook me for a military type. That’s what I get for wearing body armour and camo, apparently. Though I didn’t bother to correct them, why should I?

“Got nothing better to do. Just don’t expect me to do drills … well nothing that’s not made for someone who stands on two legs,” I replied with my own shrug. I figured that this would allow me to get in my workout and relax with non-estrogen riddled mares.

“Great! Just follow us,” Sigil replied, as I walk in step behind the two guardsponies.

Now, despite liking to talk, I always found small talk to be a bit of a nuisance since it meant having to chit chat about things that didn’t really matter that much. I always preferred to talk about something that actually had weight to it. Still, that didn’t mean I wasn’t good at making small talk.

“So, you’re in the guard I assume? Unless it goes by a specific name?” I asked.

“Yep, part of The Royal Guard, Celestial Branch. There’s the Lunar Branch, aka bat ponies. You saw them yesterday outside Luna’s room. Our task is to guard the castle and specifically Canterlot,” Wind Shear replied with a smile. He was obviously proud of his job.

“Ah, so essentially a branch of Equestrian Military, I take it? What ranks are you two, anyway?” I asked.

“We’re both Corporals. Though I’m Third Rank and Sigil here is Second Rank. As for the military, the guard is part of it but more of a reserve force, though it’s not to say that we don’t get transferred to areas if we are needed. Though it’s been many years since the military has been actually needed outside of ensuring that outlying towns are kept safe. There hasn’t been any true conflict in Equestria for many years,” Wind Shear replied again. Good news to the ears of one who had seen too much violence and war.

“Yeah, though sometimes we get recruits who are actually itching for action. They soon learn that no matter what, they aren’t going to get to be heroes like they want to be,” Sigil said in a rather disappointed voice. My guess was that he had been one of those recruits at one point.

“Trust me, you don’t want to face any action. Nothing about war is glorious in reality,” I said simply. “I’ve had my share of experiences and not once did I walk away thinking I was a hero.”

“Really?” Sigil asked, his ears perking up in interest. “What was it like? Did you have to defend your country from an invading force? Or was their some sort of hostage situation you had to deal with?”

“Sigil, shut your trap! It’s obvious he doesn’t want to talk about it,” Wind Shear said, snapping at his partner.

I guess he made that conclusion based off the thousand yard stare I had as we kept walking forward. Despite everything that happens and my reactions to the situations, I still look back on all the times I’ve had to kill with disdain. I rationalize that it was for the better, and it allows me to sleep easy, but at the same time I don’t like remembering too much.

“Don’t worry about,” I said simply to them, waving a hand in dismissal. “He can ask all he wants. Whether I answer him or not is up to me, though.”

“Aww, that means you won’t,” Sigil whined but I paid him no heed, though I decided to humour him with my thoughts on one thing.

“If you want the glory you’re speaking of, you’ll have to kill. It’s almost guaranteed. Those who enjoy killing … they’re the ones that don’t belong in society. It gets easier but that doesn’t mean I want to take another life, because it means I ended the entirety of that person. Think about that before you consider the idea of killing another, no matter the cause,” I said. “Let’s switch topics. What’s the guard’s training grounds like?”

Sigili remained more than a little thoughtful over what I said, while Wind Shear answered me. “Nothing overly special. Drill yards, buildings for equipment storage and more recreational means. A couple of firing ranges for the unicorns, and a track for running. Though we also have one that goes around the mountain, but that doesn’t really count as part of the grounds.”

“Sounds fun, maybe I’ll take a nice run,” I replied as it became obvious we were getting closer, mainly because I started to see more guards going in the same direction. “Will they let me in?”

“Don’t know, as far as I’m told, Celestia has given you clearance to pretty much anywhere,” Wind Shear said with a shrug.

“Interesting,” I mumbled, just barely loud enough for me to hear though with those ears, I wouldn’t doubt that they heard it as well.

Now, when we crossed through a rather large gate near the rear of the castle, we entered the training grounds. It was pretty much what Wind Shear described to me. There was a track in the center, with buildings surrounding it, and a couple of drill areas spread out throughout the area. I couldn’t see the firing range that he mentioned, but I didn’t need to visit there. I was limited in my ammo as it was, I didn’t need to expend it on lifeless targets.

“Form up!” I heard a gruff voice yell, which drew my escort away from me. I merely stood where I was and just watched a group of guards gather into formation. I think there was roughly twenty guards who gathered up. I was going to head off on my own, but apparently I was being drawn into this.

“I said form up, maggot!” a rather gruff Drill Sergeant type of pony yelled directly at me as he made his way to me. “What part of ‘form up’ didn’t make it through that braindead skull of yours?!”

It made me wonder if he was doing this on purpose or if he was the braindead one, since it seemed like he missed a memo of two regarding who the tall lanky creature was. It made me question wearing my full outfit around the castle. Another pony mistaking me for a military type could be an issue if they were the wrong pony.

“The part where I’m not part of your platoon. Nor the guard,” I said with a dull tone. Though apparently that was the wrong answer since a quick glance at the formed up platoon had them staring at me shock.

“It seems we have ourselves a joker on hoof here. We’ll what do we do with jokers in this outfit?” he asked with a devious smile, though from what I could tell, this pony was one hundred percent not as bad as Drill Sergeants from my world. The fact that he was speaking normally and not including every single swear in existence was my major tip off.

His question earned a groan before they all repeated in unison, “We run sir!”

“That’s motherbucking right! You all get to run because of this … this thing here!” he said as he wove a hoof at me. It was then that I had my suspicions confirmed. This had been planned, or at least the Drill Sergeant knew what he was doing.

Whatever, I’ve ran a lot in my life. If this was a matter of stamina, then I would win. Well that was the hope at least. I mean, I was going off the idea that we were going to be doing a group formation run, which favoured me since humans can lope along at a steady pace for longer than most animals can. Human nature right there … well human nature from before we became civilised and wore shoes. Thank god for insoles …

There was no specific formation, in fact, as we took off across the grounds, we were loosely grouped together while the sergeant merely kept pace beside us. He wasn’t one of those really old Drill Sergeant types, though I was also basing my guess of human tell-tale signs of age.

So we started running this mountain course that I was told about. It was nice, a large road that was very sturdy and had a very nice view if you looked out. Overall, a nice run though it made me wonder just how big the mountain was. I mean, I just wanted a nice run, nothing drastic or extreme.

I kept my mouth shut as they chanted out things. It was one of those things that I never got an answer to, not just in Equestria but in my entire life. How did they know what to chant? Were they given a pamphlet or something? Told before hand? Hell, I knew people in the army yet I never asked, and now it was bothering me since I was apparently a part of it.

I merely hummed lightly to myself, breathing in slow and methodically in between hums. Time was actually going by rather quickly, since I didn’t really pay attention to anything that was going on, and just focused on enjoying the view at the decent pace.

Eventually we rounded the bend that held Canterlot in view, so we kept going. Canterlot got closer, and we kept running. We made it to Canterlot, and we kept running through the entrance on the other side of the walled city. The guard’s training ground was in view, while we just kept running. Finally we passed the training grounds and went right back onto the mountain path.

It was then that I began to look around a little more at the group, and found out that they were doing pretty well. You all thought I was going to say that I was barely breaking a sweat while they were all dying of breath, right? Haha, well that wasn’t the case actually. In fact, I had a sinking feeling it was going to be the opposite way around. I mean, from what I could tell, we had been running for easily twenty minutes. Hell, from our pace, I’m pretty sure we had covered close to five or six kilometers.

I might have been in great shape, and I am still in great shape but I am also about twenty years older than most of them. I would even hazard to say I was at least a decade older than the Drill Sergeant.

I’ll skip ahead a little and move onto lap three of the course. It was on this lap that I was beginning to really hagger and feel the pain of moving. Thankfully there were also some ponies that were showing signs of this. Often enough I caught a rather sadistic smile from the Drill Sergeant aimed at me. One that drew my stubbornness even more so than usual. I figured my body would hate me without a doubt for what I was going to do, but I’d be damned if my ego would allow me to be the first to collapse.

Of course, I also had to worry about the old ticker. Though I banished that thought when the Drill Sergeant asked if I was ready to quit. That was going to be how I died, right there. Running my way to a heart attack just to prove the dick biscuit that I wouldn’t stop until he told me to.

Looking back at it … well it wasn’t the smartest move because my legs completely gave up when we eventually stopped, but I won. I collapsed fourth from last. Out of twenty, I was fucking proud I could run some of those ponies into the ground.

Aw, now I spoiled the ending for you all. Shit … still want to hear what happened?

Cool.

Well, we were on lap five, about half way when I could feel my heartbeat in my head. That’s when you know you’re not getting enough oxygen. I had been struggling to keep pace since the beginning of that lap, but I wasn’t the only one. All I had to do was make sure I didn’t loose my footing and I would eventually cross that line.

“There is no shame in giving up! Just fall on your face and crawl the rest of the way, the medics will come pick your sorry ass up eventually,” the Drill Sergeant got out between his own breaths. Even he was starting to tire. He was probably too tired to actually curse them out!

That statement did it for one pony who just slowed down to a crawl before dropping in exhaustion.

From there three more dropped before we made it back to the training grounds. I was on my final legs, all I needed to do was cross that gate and enter the training grounds before I could stop and tell the sergeant to go fuck off.

I was counting the steps at that point, and after about five hundred, we crossed the entrance to the training ground.

With that I slowed down, dropped to my knees before flipping both of the birds to the Sergeant who had stopped to give me that smile before I said, “You can go fuck yourself, asshole.”

He trotted, rather haggardly over to me as the rest of the group fanned out and found their own spots to rest. He stood in front of me before laughing a little. “I guess the human actually has some skill. Here I thought the rumours were boosting you up higher than you could ever be.”

“Oh get off your fucking high horse, jackass. I’m over forty years old, dickwad; halfway through my life and I outran ponies who had two more legs than me. Go suck a cock or something.”

He merely chuckled before walking away and back to the rest of his platoon. Some orders or something were shouted, but I didn’t hear because my ears were filled with the sound of my heartbeat. I knew, that despite my legs being on fire, I needed to get oxygen into my lungs, so I shakily stood up and placed my hands on my head.

It’s a good technique for opening up your lungs a little more so that you can get a little bit more oxygen.

After a little bit of standing there, I felt a hoof poke me in the back of the leg. I spun slowly, still wheezing a little, just to see a female guardpony holding what looked like an oxygen mask on one of her hooves. I merely smiled before shaking my head. She simply shrugged before heading off in some direction. That was before she paused and turned around.

“Prince-Brigadier Shining Armor would like to see you in the tower,” she said as she pointed to the singular tower than was a part of the training ground. It wasn’t anything special but it definitely didn’t look like one of the castle’s towers. Looked closer to an air traffic control tower.

I gave her a thumbs up before returning my hands to the top of my head. She didn’t react at first, instead looking at me oddly. I had forgotten for a quick moment that ponies had no clue about hand gestures. “Gotcha.”

She nodded before turning and continuing her trot away from me.

I stayed in place for a little longer, still pushing to catch my breath, which was taking longer than usual. Perhaps I had gotten too used to riding my bike. Well at least in the pony world I would be able to get some exercise, huh? Hell, if I stayed long enough, perhaps I would be in even better shape than before I arrived, though that would be pretty tough. Even at forty I’m still chiseled!

Haha, kind of but not really. Never could get the body definition down, just the strength and stamina that I needed.

When I figured that I had enough oxygen pumping through me that I could actually move my legs with some purpose, I decided to make my way to that tower that seemed to loom ever so slightly over the training grounds. The only thought going through my head was … why did there have to be stairs after the run?

So I made my way through the camp with more than a few ponies looking at me in curiosity, but I simply didn’t give a flying fuck and instead decide to keep myself focused on my purpose. It wouldn’t do to be distracted by something and then make the Prince-Brigadier or whatever silly title he held, waiting. Good first impressions and all that, though I wasn’t too worried about making it a decent impression, it wasn’t like I was staying for long.

Though that title made me laugh a little, Prince-Brigadier? I could only imagine that someone pulled some strings to get such a title made up. Probably some entitled jackass that had pull enough to be a ‘Prince’ and then decided to try his luck at running a division or something akin to that. Hell, I bet a ten year old could have made up a better title than that! Like I said though … I could only imagine … at the time.

Despite the fact I tended to be right more often than not through sheer luck, I was definitely wrong about my presumptions regarding Shining Armor. I’ll explain when the time comes … which is very shortly.

When I entered the building with the tower, it was more like a mini complex that had rooms on the bottom floor as well as the tower sticking up through the middle of it. It even had a receptionist, who just looked up at me for a split second when I entered before going right back to doing her paperwork. I was starting to see the difference in mares and stallions much easier. The mares had a more round and softer face, with the muzzle generally being shorter, while the stallions had a much more cut muzzle and definitely larger.

“Second door on the right,” she said simply. No ‘hello’ or anything. Too many receptionists tended to not give a shit about the people who came to them. I mean, I know there are many that are extremely nice, but at the same time there are a good number that are ten seconds away from telling you shove it. Well, that’s based off receptionists since like 2010.

“Thanks,” I said half heartedly before going down the hall and taking the door that she said. When I opened the door, I came face to face with a bunch of stairs. Oh joy, my legs were still killing me and I had to do stairs.

So after many, many painful steps, I eventually made it to the top, which had another receptionist desk in front of a pair of doors. Nothing special, but it still had a feel of you walking into a Lion’s den. At least I was still armed.

Oh, and yeah, I did the entire run with a rifle on my shoulder. I’m pretty sure I had a massive bruise under all my clothes, and that the scope had probably bounced its way into oblivion. By that, I mean I was going to have to adjust it all over again.

“Take a seat, Lord General Shining Armor will be right with you,” she said with a smile.

Lord General? Prince-Brigadier? Which one is it, do you think?

Good guess.

I’ll save the explanations for what he said.

So I took a seat in one of the three chairs that were present, nearly collapsing from having to squat down. I’m not kidding, my legs hurt like a fucking bitch and I think they had decided to take on the burden of all the pain that my body had produced after that run. Seriously, the rest of my body felt great, but my legs hurt like no one’s business.

I think I was waiting there for a solid five minutes before she walked into the room, and then promptly came back before saying, “The Lord General will see you now.”

I stood up slowly, letting my legs adjust to the position. Yeah, I’m going to keep bitching about it. I didn’t bitch back then, so I get to bitch to you all now. Deal with it.

When I finally got standing, and yes it felt like I should use the word ‘finally,’ I did a twist to crack my back, then turned my head to crack my neck before finally walking into the office. Though I did notice the shuddering look that the receptionist had on her face. It seems that the universal dislike to cracking one’s body parts is truly universal.

When I walked in, I noticed that the pony in there was actually getting work done. Here I thought that I was going to be called in because of some brilliant idea that threatening me would be a good thing, or something like that. So I half expected Shining Armor to be facing away from the door and looking out over the training ground. Instead he was at his desk doing paperwork. I could already say that he was a notch above what I previously thought.

“Ah,there you are, have a seat,” he said as he looked up from his desk and motioned to the chair in front of it. To be honest, he sounded like a typical ‘bro’ college guy. I doubt many of you or any of you know what I’m talking about, but trust me, it sounded completely off for someone holding a position as high as his.

So I took the seat, after taking my rifle off my shoulder, and leaning it against the side of the chair.

“So-” he began, but I cut him off. First things first after all.

“Lord General or Prince-Brigadier?” I asked.

He looked at me for a few seconds before chuckling lightly, apparently he knew something I didn’t. “Ah, I see they are still using that. It was a joke that a few Colonels used when I decided to continue leading the Royal Guard, though more from behind a desk. The official rank is Lord General.”

“Some special type of General or something?”

“You could say that,” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s the only title I can have in the military or the navy now. I’m not really a fan of the title, but it’s one of the things with becoming a Prince.”

“Sure, you’re a Prince, and I’m fucking Celestia in the ass every night,” I said with a small exhale of laughter. Of course, I should have known that using Celestia for that comment was a bad idea, well not necessarily bad, but definitely should have been avoided.

Shining just glared at me in response to that statement. I held up my hands in that typical ‘defense’ posture. “Sorry, didn’t mean anything by it. Just can’t see the whole ‘Prince’ thing.”

“Well I was a guard before I was a Prince, so I’m not surprised by that. I got lucky and married a Princess,” he said, a small smile replacing the glare.

“Luckily they dropped the ‘Consort’ part of the title huh?” I asked, which earned me a blank stare. God the ponies weren’t having none of my wit anymore. I guess I was in the wrong crowd for jokes or even wit. “Nevermind. So why’d you call me up here?”

“I arrived in Canterlot a couple of hours ago to hear talk about a two legged soldier wandering the halls. I figured I’d see you around somewhere and we’d talk. Didn’t think I would see you running with a platoon,” he said with a grin. “Though I had to say, I’m impressed that you lasted as long as you did.”

“Yeah, you and me both,” I muttered. “The Drill Sergeant or whatever drafted me into the group out of nowhere. If I was twenty years younger I would have outran his ass …”

“Twenty years … how old are you?”

“Old enough to be your father, probably,” I said with my typical snarky tone. “Forty something. Don’t know.”

“Well call me impressed. Outrunning my soldiers and you’re older than most down there, but you’d have to be older to be my father. Though it makes me wonder, how can you not know your own age?”

“You look like you’re twenty one but who am I to judge. Anyway, let me level with you, Shining, I’m not a soldier. I’m only dressed like one because it’s the best outfit to survive in, back home. Don’t ask about the world, just call it a Wasteland and think of a torn apart world. Boom, my home. I don’t know my age because we don’t give two fucks about ages once you get past eighteen.”

“So if you wanted to talk to a soldier, I’m not one. Anything else, or is that it? I mean no offense but I have more relaxing things to do than sit in an office and prattle about random schtick,” I said with some finality. It was true, I wanted to do something other than sit and talk more. I had spent enough time around others, and was lacking on quality ‘me’ time.

“And what would you be doing right now?” he asked with a glare, as though I insulted him or as if he was judging me based on my next words.

“Unless there’s a bar open before noon, then probably take a nap. Though after that running I have to recalibrate my scope again. Though that’s not going to happen in a city unless you’ve got a two hundred meter plus firing range,” I responded.

“The only range we have is a hundred and a half meters at best, though that would require the guard to clear room. Whatever you mean by recalibrating, I’ve got no clue but it has been awhile since I’ve had a drink with the guys.”

“What bar would even be open right now?” I scoffed at him. Still before noon.

“The officer’s club is open. Lunar Guard shift ended not too long ago. Could probably still catch a few of them …” he said, well the last part he muttered. I was a little surprised that he was willing to drink so early. Hell, I was kind of surprised at myself that I was going to drink again. Usually it took me a few days before desiring another drink. Three days, back to back? I was on a roll.

“If you’re being serious then lead the way. If not, then I’m going to go find it.”

“As much as I need to do this paperwork, I think I can take some time off for once,” Shining said before he got up off his chair and lead us out of his office.

“Hold all appointments or whatever comes up, I’ll be at the officer’s club,” he said to the receptionist. She simply nodded in return. “Hope you can hold your liquor. The Lunar Guard are notorious for drinking ponies under the table.”

“I like to think I can hold my liquor pretty decently,” I stated simply. I wasn’t going to tell him about the previous day. If he hadn’t found out already then I’d let some guard tell him. That, or I’d just drink another pony under if the case popped up. So with my game plan set, I just focused on what he was talking about.

“So, I’ve heard a few interesting things since arriving, all of them regarding you,” he said. “Well, you and Princess Luna.”

“Yeah, we’re an item. Popped the question this morning.” I said in a dull tone.

“Riiight, though it does seem like she likes you. I don’t think anypony aside from Celestia would be alive after what you apparently pulled. Cadence was disappointed that we arrived afterwards,” he replied, not even chasing my bait.

“You all have weird names,” I said out of nowhere.

“What?”

“Luna, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Shining Armor, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and probably anyone else I’ve heard a name for. All of them are basically nouns, adverbs, adjectives, and verbs. Hell, Luna is what some used to call our moon back home. As I said, you all have weird names,” I said. We kept walking at a decent speed but I figured that we were getting close. We had covered enough ground.

“Oh, then what’s yours?”

“Ryan, a nice normal name.”

“Normal?” he asked with a chuckle. “That’s a weird as hay name. Never heard it before.”

“I blame your culture for being weird. It’s normal where I’m from. Our names, for the most part, are not based on actual words. Some are … some of them are dumb, but generally our names are different than our words,” I said with a shrug.

“Don’t mind me while I take that statement with a grain of salt,” Shining said with a laugh.

Ehh, it’s not like I was trying to persuade him or anything. It was merely me pointing out something. Also if you have a name that is also a word that could be used in everyday language … well, not hating on you, just saying that it’s odder than normal.

“Ahh, here we are!” he said as we reached a building that literally had a sign saying ‘Officer’s Club.’ “Don’t let name fool you, all ranks are welcome here. It’s just a very old name so they figured they might as well keep it.”

“Right,” I said with little emotion. He led us inside, the doors opening up to show a typical bar look. Chairs and tables around, a long saloon-type bar, and a stage at the back for whatever reason. There were even some speakers playing some sort of music. Sounded like a mix of classical and dubstep or something. It wasn’t very loud but you could easily hear it in the background.

“Officer on deck!” a shout went through the entire bar. I expected them to all stand up and salute, but instead they all took a swig of their drinks before returning back to whatever they were doing. Mostly what they were doing was eyeing up who had just entered.

Surprisingly enough, nearly all of the patrons to the bar were that bat-pony hybrid I told you about earlier. So it was a little odd for me to be standing in there. Why? Well aside from those eyes which were a little creepy, the fact I pulled a rather cruel prank on their specific deity was a good indicator that unless something out of the blue happened, it was going to be weird.

“Hey, Boreas, Glean! Don’t let the human get too close, he might grab your drink while you go to the bathroom!” a bat pony sitting at the bar yelled out over the crowd. It caused a massive uproar of laughter to ring out, much to the dismay of those two wherever they were, I’m sure.

I followed Shining over to a table that already had three bat ponies sitting at it, placing my rifle over my lap. Just an FYI but from now on, just assume that I remove it from my shoulder before sitting. Anyway, a brown stallion came up shortly after we sat down, asking for our orders.

“Start with something simple, Apple Farm Cider,” Shining said. “Order whatever, it’s always on the house.”

“Ehh, sure. You got bourbon?” I asked, to which the waiter nodded his head in a yes. “Great, double of bourbon on the rocks.”

As the waiter disappeared, I turned my head back to the table who were looking at me, all of them, minus Shining, holding beer in their hooves. “What? I don’t drink beer.”

“Really?” one of the bat ponies asked.

“It’s too weak. Can’t bleach your memory with it,” I said with a shrug. That caused some chuckling from the group.

“Ryan, this is Second Lieutenant Horizon, First Lieutenant Star Luck, and Sergeant Major Candlelight,” Shining said as he pointed to each of the bat ponies before pointing to me. “This is Ryan.”

The first was … well honestly they all looked pretty much the same to me. I mean, I could see slight shade variations, but other than that they looked pretty common. Horizon, a stallion, looked a little rougher and larger than the others but he had a friendly grin on his muzzle. Star Luck, a mare, looked a little greener than the others which was shown through softer features than the rest, but I bet she could still kick ass better than most. Unless of course she had somehow fast tracked her way. Candlelight was also a mare, but she definitely had the look of someone that had to deal with new recruits. She looked gruffer than the rest and surprisingly bulkier than the other mare. I wouldn’t doubt she spent time as a Drill Sergeant.

The only reason I’m explaining them, even though they are beyond minor characters, is because saying ‘one of the bat ponies’ starts to get annoying when telling the story to you all. Seriously, it’s by far a mouthful compared to the names.

“Oh, we’ve heard about him. I don’t think anypony in the castle hasn’t about the human that pranked the Princess,” Candlelight said before taking a sip of her beer.

“Word spreads fucking fast here,” I grumbled. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was literally impossible for ponies to keep a secret at this point. How would they have known I was a human anyways? Such a different world, am I right?

“You know it,” Horizon said. “So what brings the Lord General and the human to the bar this early?”

“Paperwork,” Shining said with a laugh that earned chuckles from the rest. They looked over to me.

“Alcohol addiction,” I said with a shrug; they obviously didn’t laugh at that, but I wasn’t done. “I mean, I thought we were going to the park but apparently alcohol can’t get enough of me. Tricked me into coming.”

Weak joke, huh? Yeah, even they thought so. Sounded better in my head.

“Really?” Candlelight asked.

“Ehh,” I said with another shrug. Luckily that was when our drinks arrived, so I could get on with pouring burning liquid down my throat instead of conversing. Which I promptly did. I mean, I could have done that double in one shot probably, but I didn’t feel like getting drunk again. Just a decent drink. By the way, it was a very good bourbon. Wasn’t too bitter like I find that most tend to be. Had a little bit of sweetness to it actually, which surprised me more than anything.

Thankfully, despite being the most interesting one at the table, and don’t try and debate that, I’ve got enough stories to talk for years, I wasn’t the center of conversation. In fact it was Shining that had the questions directed at him.

“How goes it up in the Crystal Empire?” Star Luck asked.

“Boring, honestly. All it is is paperwork and looking good beside Cadance,” he said with a shrug. It seemed that the day was all about shrugging.

“At least you get that ass every night,” Candlelight said before taking another sip. I was kind of lucky that I was still wearing my shades because it allowed me to give her a rather shocked look without it being noticed.

It was only shocking because I wasn’t expecting it to come from her or at all. I mean, I know anyone could say that but I guess the fact she was so open with which team she batted for, I was caught a little off guard. So think of it as surprising me for a split second before the bombardment of lewdish comments came from the rest.

“There’s a reason I call her Candyass is bed!” Shining said, which got a boisterous laugh from the rest.

“You’re lucky you snagged her up first, or you know I’d have her between my legs every night,” Candlelight continued much to the delight of Horizon, who was grinning like crazy at what was being said.

“Sure, you talk a big talk, Candlelight. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of somepony who talks a bigger game than you, yet can’t back it up,” Shining countered.

“Please, I could get any mare in here if I wanted to. Even Star here would be powerless to stop me from taking her back to my room,” she said before licking the cheek of the blushing mare beside her. Said blushing mare gave off a small meep before her cheeks got even redder, which still amazed me, considering the fur and all. Horizon and Shining just burst out laughing.

Me? I just kept sipping on my bourbon, but if things kept going at the pace they were, I would need another drink.

“What about you, Horizon? Still keeping with your made up marefriend?” Shining said with a predatory grin. Horizon didn’t even flinch.

“Nah, she’s on vacation with her parents in Las Pegasus,” he replied smoothly.

“What he means to say is that she’s currently holding his beer right now,” Candlelight chirped up, loud enough that the next table heard us. That started a whole chorus of rowdy laughter.

It was starting to remind me of my college days, where even though we were all teammates, we would often ‘chirp’ each other. This back and forth banter that the guards were having was bringing back good times, though I quietly reminisced while they kept going at each other.

“Hardy bucking har. Big talk coming from a mare that lifts her tail for any mare she sees,” Horizon shot back. That was followed by a few statements of ‘sick burn’ and the like. Yep, just like being back in college.

“Oh, you want to go?” Candlelight said as she stood out of her chair.

“Calm down now,” Shining said with a light chuckle. “I think we can all agree … that Star Luck probably has the best sex life out of all of us.”

This earned another ‘meep’ from the mare as she tried to shrink behind her beer. Apparently our conversation had drawn more attention to our general area, a few tables nearby having forgotten their conversations and instead looking over to us. I personally think more than a few eyes caught the lick and expected something to happen.

I almost felt bad for the mare, having been turned into the center of attention in a conversation which she didn’t want to even be a part of.

“What about the human?” Star Luck managed to spurt out, which took the attention completely off her and instead onto me.

Nevermind, she could burn for all I cared.

I froze, looking at their growing smirks. There was only one option.

I took a small sip, and held my glass there, slowly sipping away. They kept looking at me, expecting me to put the glass down and talk, but I just kept the glass at my lips, the drink slowly, ever so slowly, pouring down my throat.

Yet they kept looking at me. It was going to be a question of how long till I finished my drink. Luckily, the waiter was carrying a tray of drinks on his back, and passing around our table. I noticed one wasn’t beer, instead probably whiskey or something. So I kept going until he was passing on my right when I promptly reached out and snagged the amber coloured drink, quickly downing the remaining few sips of bourbon before placing the new drink to my mouth. Which was surprisingly bourbon.

“That was smooth,” Horizon said, but other than that they kept staring at me, knowing that I would eventually run out.

“We can wait all day,” Candlelight chimed in, still staring at me with a rather lecherous grin. She was right, I couldn’t keep drinking like that even if I wanted to. Eventually I would run out a drink and one of them would snatch the empty glass away from me. So I did what any cornered man would do.

I slammed the drink back, before shouting out, “Bartender, I need seven shots of your strongest stuff, over here. Asap.”

If I was going to talk about my sex life, I needed to be blitzed first off.

“He’s going to do it again!” a shout came from one of the nextdoor tables.

“Again?” Shining asked aloud.

“You didn’t hear, sir?” a much younger sounding voice spoke up. “He challenged Princess Luna to a drinking contest and won! He went eighteen shots to her fifteen!”

“Damn, now I want to see this!” Horizon said before leaning in eagerly. “Anypony that can out drink the Princesses must have an iron liver.”

“Aww, but I wanted to hear about his sex life!” Candlelight moaned out in frustration.

“All you think about is sex,” Horizon chirped at her. “Don’t worry, we’ll make him talk after.

As I tried my best to not focus on having to talk about that, mainly because mine had been nothing to talk about, I noticed that there was a growing amount of ponies surrounding the table. Apparently I was becoming an attraction in the bar.

Imagine it; come one, come all! See the amazing Ryan drink more alcohol than anyone in the entire bar! Watch as he slowly destroys his liver yet still lives and breaths! Truly amazing!

Definitely not something worth a circus act but hey, if it brought entertainment and forestalled me having to tell them about my sex life, than whatever floats their boats.

When the waiter approached, he was holding a small platter that was holding seven shot glasses filled with a green liquid.

Shit. Absinthe.

There was no fucking way in hell I was going to get any farther than maybe ten shots before I’d be lights out. Vodka is one thing, but absinthe is a game changer. Not to mention that I had two glasses of bourbon in me.

See, with Vodka, I could have a good chance of getting a rather low alcohol percentage as well as my amazing tolerance for the stuff … absinthe though? It has better chances of being two thirds alcohol than lower. So, you can see my issue with the recently placed shot glasses.

“Why not?” I said before taking one glass in my hand. “See ya tomorrow.”

Downing it was simple. The taste after was simple. Reaching for the next glass was the struggle because half of my brain was yelling at me to put the glass down and just leave.

Second glass down.

I figured by the fifth glass, that voice would be changing it’s tune to telling me to drink more. So I went for glass number three.

Three down.

“I say he gets to the seventh then drops!” a random voice shouted.

“No way, he’s going to twelve, I can bucking feel it,” another voice popped up.

“Twelve? That’s ridiculous, there’s a better chance that Candlelight is a virgin!” Horizon threw in his own chirp.

“Hey!” Candlelight said at the remark, which caused another uproar of laughter. I laughed along with them before downing glass number four. They had something right, by glass seven or eight I would probably be too far gone.

“I’m sorry, Lighty, may your virginity rest in peace. Taken at such a young age by the horniest batpony in all of Equestria,” Horizon amended, much to the laughter of the entire crowd once more. Even Candlelight was laughing, though a look at her eyes told anyone that Horizon was dead the moment the table stopped separating them.

“To Candlelight’s virginity! May it come back and save us all!” I decided to get in on the action. I thought for a second that there was going to be a big pause and then I would realise it wasn’t my place to say such a thing. Instead, I got a massive round of cheers.

Candlelight facedesked or facetabled in that case. Apparently the human getting in on it meant you would never win.

“If I must go down in shame, I’m taking Star Luck with me!” Candlelight proclaimed before grabbing the fellow mare by the side of her head and then smashing her lips into the other’s. To me it wasn’t anything since they were just ponies, but it made sense that the entire bar went off at that, hooting and hollering. I don’t think I need to explain why they went wild.

Also, do you see why I made sure no kids were around this time … well anything younger than fifteen at least? There would be too many things to explain.

I promptly downed the fourth one, slamming the glass down but not a soul cared as it seemed that both mares were getting into it more than they should have been in front of all those guards. Though it wasn’t just stallions watching the show, in fact there were many female bat ponies watching eagerly.

That was my opening. I used that perfect distraction to slip out of my seat, and promptly speed walk my way to the door. I don’t think a single pony in that bar noticed me, expect a few patrons who weren’t gathered around the show at my former table.

I managed to slip outside, closing the door behind me before moving and leaning against the wall to the right of the door.

“Fuck, that was close,” I said while wiping my brow.

“Trying to escape from someone?” a voice asked me out of nowhere. If I wasn’t slightly blitzed, I would probably have reacted with a fist flying in the direction of the voice. Instead, I merely turned my head sharply to see Luna walking up to me.

“Heh, you could say that,” I said with a chuckle before twisting my back to illicit a few pops from my spine. “It’s getting rowdy in there. I had to get out before things got out of control or I would be waking up tomorrow.”

“More drinking already? I can’t tell if that’s sheer dedication or an addiction,” Luna said while blowing me a raspberry.

“Don’t know, mix of both perhaps? What can I say, it’s a loving relationship,” I said with a small laugh. “So what brings you around here?”

“Well, I thought that … perhaps if you weren’t busy …” Luna said, obviously going somewhere with the statements but, me being me, I couldn’t help but jump all over that statement like a lion going after its prey.

“Listen, Luna. I haven’t really given us much of a thought, and while I haven’t dated in a while … perhaps there is a chance I’d make an exception, but if you’re going to ask me on a date, I want a little more enthusiasm! More panache!” I said with a little flair. Of course this caused Luna to blush a little bit, but she just seemed to laugh it off while shaking her head.

“It seems the alcohol has already kicked in. Barely even noon …” she said with a small smile. “No, Ryan, I didn’t come to ask you on a date. Though I did want to know if you wanted to go to a museum with me. If I am correct, I do believe you said, or at least implied, that you enjoy history.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a museum that was still intact. I accept your location for the date! Though I get to choose the restaurant … unless you have that picked already,” I said dramatically before jumping backwards a little to dodge a swipe of her hoof.

“Perfect! We’ll be there in no time!” she said with a rather feral grin. Her horn then began charging up. My eyes went wide as I finally put together what she was saying. Of course by the time I did it was too late.

Next thing I know, a bright light surrounds us, and I’m leaning over a large flower pot, my insides telling me they wanted out.

“Don’t be dramatic now,” Luna said beside me. I just flipped her the middle finger before dry heaving a few more times, my insides not wanting to actually let go of my meal. I waited a few more moments before I let go of the pot and turned around to give Luna a piece of my mind.

Instead, I found a smaller blue unicorn staring up at me with the same eye colour and the same evil grin that Luna usually had. At first I wanted to ask her if she saw a big blue alicorn that would soon be sporting a grin with two less teeth, but my mind slowly clicked and I realised that there was a good chance that she had hacked reality and changed herself into a unicorn.

“Now don’t be pulling any shenanigans on me here,” I said at the blue unicorn, who merely laughed.

“It’s easier to be out in public with this look than one of a Princess. Otherwise I’d be swarmed with subjects trying to stick their nose up my plot,” she said with a rather irritated sounding exhale. “It’s easier to be in disguise.”

“Wouldn’t know,” I said with a shrug. We then promptly entered the museum which we had been standing in front of. Honestly it looked like a smaller version of the Greek Parthenon, well at least on the outside. When we entered, the front area looked like the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, I know I didn’t describe what the entrance looked like because I went through the backdoor of the museum, but there was a trilogy of movies that often showed the entrance hall of the museum so I was more or less going off that.

Essentially there were a bunch of exhibits lining the bottom floor, while a massive, circular reception desk was placed firmly in the middle of floor, and two stairs heading up to a second floor sat behind it. Not to mention many doors heading off in different directions.

Oh did I mention all the fucking ponies? It was fucking packed in the building. Tour groups going this way and that, lines to the reception desk, and ponies just milling about in general. Now, I always expected some attention when walking into a room that had me being the only human, but I was actually surprised by the lack of looks. Very few ponies actually gave me more that a cursory glance, except for a few children that actually looked up at me with wide eyes and opens mouths. I was something completely new to them, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt and smiled at the ones who I made eye contact with. Yeah, I was still not wearing my scarves.

I had actually left them behind to get washed. Gilda took them that morning actually, forgot to mention that.

So we walked up to the reception desk, which earned us a few looks, only because we were bypassing the entire line. I could only assume that Luna had some sort of deal going on. Said thought was confirmed when a mare at the desk looked up and saw who was approaching.

She immediately reached under her desk and pulled out two passes, before sliding them over the counter top. Luna grabbed them in her magic, floating one to me while putting the other over her head. There was no doubt that she had a deal or something going, much to the frustration of the ponies in the line.

“Let’s go check out the ancient history portion. You might learn something or two!”

Believe it or not, I did learn something or two. In fact I learned a lot more than that. See, I enjoy looking at the exhibits and actually reading the placards underneath. Too many just went there for the visual eye candy.

Now, I’ll try and enlighten you on most of the stuff I read and saw, but there was also a lot that had outlandish names that I can’t pronounce. Though for the most part, that was always in referral to mythical beasts of old.

So, I’ll skip over the general walking and banter which was more or less just Luna describing parts of history, whether or not they were on the placards or just off the top of her head. From the gist of what I learned in forty five minutes was this.

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far far away-

Ah, fine you caught me. Yeah, that’s Star Wars. Glad a few remember that at least.

Starting again; more than ten thousand years ago, they figured that ponies were forming herds in ways and roaming over most of the land. Around that time there was only one real civilization which was comprised entirely of dragons. They didn’t do much regarding the rest of the world, instead kept to themselves and just did their own thing for many, many years. Around eight thousand years ago, the other races starting showing sapience but had the same mindset as the ponies. Operate in flocks, herds, or just roving groups. It’s rather close to how humans used to be, but in a much shorter time frame than we had.

Everything was pretty simple, though all the races apparently looked much different and magic, though natural, was something that was seen like humans believed magic to be. Outlandish and crazy … minus levitation.

At the the seven thousand mark, ponies were starting to develop tools and build houses and the like. In fact many races were starting to actually develop culture around that point. Nothing formal, and most places were what could be called city states. Ponies learned and developed, but nothing spectacular happened in that time. I mean there was fighting and minor wars that resulted in nothing but lives lost, but otherwise, it wasn’t any different than us.

It was around the six thousandth year … which started to make me feel worried that this was all happening around general whole numbers. Anyway, around that mark is when a great catastrophe happened … which was extremely vague. Hell, according to Luna and the museum’s shown history, not a single record of what happened has been found, nor was there any oral teachings that made it through history. Archaeologists didn’t find anything either so as to what this catastrophe was, or even if it existed, was a mystery to them all.

Apparently this catastrophe was so great that it actually called the sun and moon to no longer obey non-magical assisted orbits … which meant that either the sun had always rotated around the planet, which I still was skeptical about, or the planet could no longer rotate around the sun. I wasn’t going to try and comprehend the physics break bull that the whole period of time became. Nor was I feeling up to asking questions about how it all worked. All I needed to know was that it did, good enough for me, as I think I would have gone insane from trying to understand to understand such a different reality. The museum didn’t have any of the answers I would need and Luna told me to not worry about it when she caught my reaction to that part.

I’m just going to skip that part because most of what was told about that was how ponies and the other magical races developed their magic beyond what they had thought it could be limited to. Hell, they had a massive group of unicorns band together to raise and lower the fucking sun and moon … which was how they described it … not put the sun on a course to revolve around the world and bring day to the side that was previously in night time. There was a lot of facepalming that was put on the back burner during that time. I held back many retorts at those statements.

It was also in this sixth thousand era that ponies became racist to themselves. You know, kind of like us who are all human yet we say that people who look different are less human than the rest? Well they called it tribalism … entirely different word for us, but to them that meant segregation of the three pony types. Now, since they had for the most part gotten past all that bull, the museum actually showed many … and I mean many, racist depictions and statements to get their point across that it was a bad time for ponies.

Unicorns thought they were god’s gift to the world since they moved the sun and moon. Pegasi thought they were the strongest and didn’t need rules or treaties for the general part. Earth ponies were the most humble in their ways but when crossed by another species they could be more brutal in their overt racism than the rest. Unicorns moved the heavens, pegasi controlled the weather, and earth ponies toiled the land. Unity only through necessity.

Now this time didn’t actually last till the next major turn in events. Halfway through that millennia, around five thousand six hundred or something, a group of ponies fought off something called a wendigo which amounted to evil spirits that thrived on hate and division. They were apparently lethal enough to freeze the entire land over. Through … and get this, the magic of friendship, six ponies defeated all the wendigos and cleansed the land. From then on out there was increased unity and a severe drop in racist policies. Luna proceeded to speculate that as far as they knew, that was the first instance of the Elements of Harmony.

The names of those six? Random question for you all really. Okay, there were two pegasi. Named Commander Hurricane and Private Pansy. Yeah, fucking odd second name there. Then two earth ponies; Chancellor Puddinghead and Smart Cookie. Finally there were two unicorns; Princess Platinum, and Clover the Clever.

The last one was one of the biggest to Equestrian history according to Luna because she revolutionized magic and apparently was one of the key pillars to the true founding of Equestria. From there is gets complicated, with the Ancient History section ending just as Luna and Celestia get involved. I’ll still wrap it up.

When Equestria was finally founded and built, it went through turmoil in the form of infighting as well as invasions by other nations that had actually been founded quicker. This part of the museum was more focused on Equestrian history than the rest so it never really described the other nations’ foundings. The one thing that caught my attention was that it mentioned that the griffons had a full fledged empire that were much more focused on a war economy. A little surprising considering I knew that griffons, three days after I arrived, were merely a part of Equestria, though given some autonomy.

There were many dioramas of miniature sculptures that depicted various fights that were apparently crucial to the survival of Equestria. All of it was interesting mind you, and I could go on about those fights but I can already see you are bored. Don’t worry, a couple of them do come up at crucial points in my story so you’ll get to hear about them either way!

Now around the five thousand mark, that big whole number issue raised its head again as a being named Discord came to rule Equestria for many years, causing great chaos and pain among the ponies, as well as other nations. Though the problems that the other nations dealt with were apparently less severe in every shape and form. It was like he was toying with them, while actually using the ponies as puppets. Though according to Luna, that was all speculation by Academia since pretty much every cultural aspect from that time didn’t survive the sheer amount of chaos. Luna said that her sister and her had a few remaining volumes but they were of such great importance that they were kept under lock and key.

I expected her to be all hush hush about it, but instead she straight up told me that all the books were about the cruelties of the time, and how Luna and Celestia had ascended to being who they were. When I raised an eyebrow at her wording, she admitted to something that I agreed would have been shocking to the entire population that believed they were immortal goddesses.

“We were once normal ponies, not always alicorns that moved that which ponies cannot touch. They believe us to be sent down by Faust to guide them forever. One day they will see us go, though only for awhile. The burden of being a celestial alicorns is that we never truly die, just get reincarnated again and again. You never know you’re one until after the ascension, when all the memories come flooding back,” she said with a sad look.

I thought for a moment on what to say. Of course my humorous side made the most compelling argument.

“So how old are you then? I mean, I can date a four thousand old, maybe five thousand … anything more … that’s a deal breaker,” I said with a smirk. She burst out laughing like there was no tomorrow. It caused a few eyes to be drawn in our direction, but for the most part they didn’t really care.

She never did answer the question, but on the flip side I never really meant for it to be serious. At least it got rid of the minorly depressing thoughts. I had and still have enough bouncing around my head that I don’t need others around me to add onto them.

As we finished the Ancient History portion of the museum, my stomach decided that it needed food instead of just going along with my plan to live on alcohol for the rest of my life. One can only dream of such a thing being a reality.

We left the museum, handing or hoofing, whichever one, in our passes before leaving. Luna still didn’t explain the whole deal with them despite me asking, but it didn’t really matter. You never question a good thing unless you have a feeling that said good thing was actually a … well something bad. I had a saying in mind but I completely forgot it. Damn.

Anyway, Luna figured that we should get some dinner at a cafe that was not far from the museum. Sounded good since they served meat, much to my delight, but all good things lie behind some sort of adversary. This adversary came in the form of some holier-than-thou douchebag of a self important pony.

As we made our way to the cafe, I happened to accidently, and it truly was accidental, bump into said self important dickbag. I hardly noticed it, since I was talking with Luna about what the cafe could be serving, though I did manage to get out an apology before the prick decided I had been wrong completely.

“Watch where you’re going you bipedal imbecile! Why we even let creatures like you walk around Canterlot, I swear! You’re just as bad as those mud ponies,” he started. “I’m surprised you’re not on a leash! I should have the Royal Guard come and take you to the pound, you and that whore you’re standing beside.”

I slowly turned around to see a dark grey unicorn, with a light blue mane. The clothes he wore, a suit and tie, along with a small top hat told me nothing really about him, other than that he looked like an idiot. The words on the other hand, and the accent told me his was probably a prick that was birthed with a silver spoon in his mouth. Not used to having others talk back or stand up to what he said.

“Big words, coming from a stallion with a pencil dick,” I said back at him. “I bet the mares just fawn over your little straw.”

“My word! You’re just as barbaric as you look! Such a low blow, truly you deserve to be put down,” he said with some shock before returning to that sneer.

“I’m sorry, did I hit a soft spot? If you’re so affronted then why don’t you run a long and go cry to your mother before suckling on her teat some more. Oh and do apologise to the mare you insulted first,” I said in response. The jackass was nothing special.

“Hmph! I will do no such thing to a mare that debases herself with such a creature. I think I was rather accurate with my statement,” he said with a smirk. I looked down at Luna who was glaring daggers and looked like she wanted to cancel her disguise, but I merely patted her on the head before stepping forward and grabbing the unicorn by the horn and his throat. The horn gave me enough leverage to actually lift him in the air.

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you think you’re some sort of self important noble. Haven’t worked a day in his life and sees everyone who has as a lower class. Probably even views those who he doesn’t see at social events as some sort of peasant that needs to only shine his hooves.” I growled at him, only loud enough for him to hear. “Whether or not I’m right, you listen closely, you piece of shit. Only the most debased would go after someone who hasn’t done a fucking thing to them, let alone their companion. If I wanted to, I could fucking wring your neck out right now. I could even rip your horn off if I wanted to. So I fucking dare you to say something again, you over-inflated douche canoe.”

“Is there a problem here?” a gruff voice spoke up beside me. I looked down from the unicorn to see three Solar Guards standing beside us, two unicorns and a pegasus. The unicorns looked ready to do something. “I suggest you put the pony down.”

I did that, though all the while grinning like I had won a massive bet. “Oh, don’t worry, officers. I was just having words with this stallion here over his manners. Isn’t that right?”

“That beast attacked me unprovoked! He should be put down! In fact I demand you arrest him!” the unicorn yelled in a very scared voice.

The guards merely looked at me before looking at the unicorn. At first they looked to be considering the action, but the unicorn on my right nudged the pegasus in the middle before whispering something in his ear. I noticed his eyes dart towards Luna’s direction before returning back to us.

“Let us escort you out of here,” he said generally, which the unicorn thought it meant give him safety or take me away because he seemed to fill with pride, which immediately deflated when he noticed that they didn’t restrain me or anything, instead taking up positions between me and the unicorn. Then one of the guards turned to him, “Sir, if you can please leave before we must resort to measures less than peaceful.”

“I am the victim here!” he yelled even louder.

“Yeah, but I’m staying at the castle, bitch!” I said over my shoulder before flipping him the bird and walking away with my escort. I had nothing more to say to the unicorn, and instead walked with Luna to the cafe as intended. She was shaking her head with a little bit of a disappointed frown.

“What?” I asked.

“That could have been handled, better, Ryan. You and I both know that it shouldn’t have gotten as far as it did,” she said, her Princessly voice kicking in.

“No, only you know that. I think it went exactly where it should have gone. The dickbag was insulting not only you but as well me and my entire species,” I said with some finality in my voice. I wasn’t going to argue this with her. “You see diplomacy where action is necessary.”

Of course she didn’t leave it at that. “What would you have done after that, Ryan? What would have happened after you let him go?”

I didn’t respond. She had me cornered on that, but at the same time I wouldn’t admit I was wrong, instead I flipped something onto her. “You’re sounding less like Luna, and more like Celestia.”

“What?” she asked, in a shocked manner. Apparently it caught her off guard enough to stop her from continuing the topic.

“Your sister comes off as the diplomatic and ‘we must all get along’ pony. You were more action based and saw justice as something that needed to be taken into your own hooves … at least that’s what I thought was the case was when you all talked. Now … you’re just emulating her. Being nothing more than a shadow.”

Luna was shocked completely at this, so much so that her disguise rippled for whatever reason. I figured it was just shock.

She eventually found her footing, though. “I will not stand here and let you talk to me like that!”

“Yet you allowed him to call you a whore. How is this worse?” I asked, poking her buttons, although a little unintentionally.

She dropped her disguise in the middle of the street, getting more than furious at what was being said. “You forget yourself and your place!”

“My place is wherever the fuck I choose it to be, and I think it’s you who forgets, not their place, but themselves,” I said with finality. Whatever she had to say, it wouldn’t matter. In my mind I had won the argument.

She merely looked at me as though I had grown two heads. Then her eyes narrowed before she turned around and took to the air, leaving me in the street with three confused Solar Guards behind me.

“Just go, the cafe is up ahead, I can see the sign. I promise to not hurt a single pony unless hurt first,” I said while raising a hand in an oath pose. They looked cautiously at me for a few moments before eventually heading back down the way we came.

I, on the other hand continued down to the cafe.

I went in, got a seat, and ordered some food. It was a griffon-oriented cafe because they actually had a hamburger on the menu.

So I ordered that, and ate. I ate in silence, not really thinking about much, instead just enjoying the food.

If it isn’t obvious, I was kind of pissed off about the whole thing. The day was going great yet some asshole just had to fuck it up. It was at that time I started to get it into my head that I really needed to get on the track to finding a way home. I had delayed it and just put it off as an impossibility despite what I had been told. Then … right then and there I told myself that if I could go home the next day I would. Life was simpler back home.

Didn’t have to deal with assholes like that or people who didn’t see the reality of life, even with their age. Back home I would be able to do whatever I wanted, alone, and without the worry about being accepted.

…

It was a good burger.

Author's Notes:

Part 1 ... of 2 ... just be glad it wasn't one chapter!

Not that much to say here, except Ryan is oblivious as fuck sometimes when he messes up. You'd be surprised ... love you cous' :P I know you're reading this.

Oh! Also, Candlelight is without a doubt my favourite character to write ... ever. It's beyond fun writing her!

Song of the chapter: Wings of Feather and Wax - Killer Be Killed