“Ren, where are we going?”

“We are going someplace where you can face your fear of snakes.”

“Ahhh…right.”

Have you ever had someone tell you they are going to help you get over a fear, then refuse to explain how? I don’t think there is a situation more ominous in all of existence. I was being taken off our route to an unknown location that was most likely filled to the brim with snakes. He did not tell me how far it was or what we would do once we reached it. All he would say was that I would get over my fear or my fear would get me.

Like I said, ominous. I’m sure it was just to fuck with me though. Okay, that’s a lie. I HOPED it was just to fuck with me. He wouldn’t actually put me in a situation where I could die, right?

Right?

I don’t really know him at all do I? I’m following this guy and I have no idea who he is or what he’s done. He could be psychotic for all I know! And then there’s Sitka’s warning. What exactly did she mean when she said his worldview wasn’t the most pure?

Maybe I should have stayed at Valen. Sure I’d have to deal with the witch eventually, but really, what could a witch do to me? It wasn’t like she was a snake! Wait…can witches turn into snakes? Goddammit! What the hell have I gotten myself into?

“We’re here,” Ren said suddenly. Our destination seemed to be a hole in the ground. Some snakes live in holes in the ground.

“Great! What exactly is here?” I asked nervously.

“Take a look,” he said, holding his arms out towards it like the head waiter at a fancy restaurant. I got the distinct feeling something bad was in this cave. Something I’d rather not see. But my curiosity has always just been a little greater than my fear. So, like an idiot, I walked over to the hole and looked down.

“I don’t see any-SHIT!”

As most of you probably expected, Ren chose this moment to sneak up behind me and shove. It was only a ten foot drop, but it scared the crap out of me. I just barely managed to twist around on time to land on my feet. Still loving the cat spine by the way.

“Ren, WHAT THE HELL!” I called up to him. I’d landed in a small underground cavern overgrown with vines and moss. There was a tunnel entrance behind me that led to…someplace dark. I had a very bad feeling about it which naturally meant I was going to have to go in it. Fun, fun.

“I’m helping you get over your fear of snakes.”

“By shoving me down a fucking hole?”

“Yes. The only way out is through that tunnel.”

“How does that…there’s something bad in there, isn’t there?”

“Depends on your perspective.”

I put the bet at nine to one odds I have the wrong perspective.

“Just lower a vine or something for me to climb up!”

“No can do. Consider this your first test.”

“First test…hey! Where are you going?”

“See you on the other side Jack!” Ren’s face disappeared from the hole, leaving me alone in the semi-dark cavern.

“REN! COME BACK AND GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU SADISTIC OLD FUCK!” No response. I wasn’t really expecting any. I just wanted him to know that no matter what he says, seventy-six is old and I would never let him forget it.

“FUCK!” Honestly, I knew he was going to pull a stunt like this. He likes to mess with me. I skipped three days of travel because it’s three days I’d rather forget. So many fruit jokes…

Nothing to do but climb the walls. Plenty of vines and handholds. Shouldn’t be much of a problem…

I was cut off by a loud grinding sound.

Yeah, Ren was crazy.

“NONONONONO!” I jumped at the wall and started climbing as fast as I could. And, because fate hates me especialy, the vines were slippery. Having only one hand meant my grip wasn’t that strong. I managed to get about a foot off the ground before the boulder Ren was pushing fit snugly over the hole.

I was now trapped in a dark hole with the only way out being a long dark tunnel that I’m 99% sure contains snakes.
Here we go.

The tunnel was dark, but I didn’t really have any problems seeing (NIGHTVISION). There must have been a source of light somewhere. The problem was the vines everywhere. I had very good reason to suspect every single one was a snake. There were also quite a few big spiders here and there, but they’re just spiders. Not a big deal.

Ultimately, it was a long, tense, yet boring walk. Nothing happened. At all. I spent the entire time jumping at shadows.

I think Ren’s lost it. Wait…

“Oh shit.”

Ripped straight out of (insert piece of media with ancient temples here) was a giant stone archway. Scrawled completely with large…elaborate…terrifying carvings.

Of snakes.

He expected me to go through what is obviously a snake god’s temple.

…
“When I get out of here, I am going to FEED REN HIS TAIL!”

I closed my eyes and charged through the door.

Dumbest fuck move ever.

Treasure hunter rule 1: There are ALWAYS traps. The only warning I got was the sound of the release on the pressure plate five feet in the entrance. I went into a roll and got out of the way a second for the blade smashed down from the ceiling. Nicked a bit of fur off my tail.

What have we learned?

Rouges are the best class. They have trap detection. Also: KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES OPEN DUMBASS!

“Okay. Let’s try this again.” This time, I was slow. You could never be too careful. Not where there are traps and definitely not where there are snakes. Once again, night vision. You try to raid these places without that or a torch and you’re just asking for it. Still, where was the light source?

“Just keep calm. You did this all the time in Skyrim. There isn’t even any undead here! At least I hope n-STOP THAT! Just…focus on the mission. You’ve received a side-quest from a random villager. You’re even a Khajiit! Just like in the game! Everythings-”

*Hisssssssssssss*

With the dumbest expression a cat could make, I looked to my right to see a snake hanging down from a tree root. Right in front of my face.

*Hisssssssssssss*

“Going…to kill…Ren…with…his own…sword!”

Blind runs down ancient tunnels filled to the brim with traps and snakes are not fun. Especially when you’re going fifty and screaming your head off cause you noticed half the ‘vines’ are actually various species of viper. And when you have to constantly avoid snake pits, giant blades out of nowhere, poisoned darts, and a rickety rope bridge. Surprisingly enough, the only cliché I didn’t run into was the boulder. Looks like I was the only Tom here.

And I still hadn’t gotten to the exit. Most likely because I hadn’t fought the boss yet. And you know what’s that’s going to be.

“Scratch that. I’m going to CASTRATE HIM WITH HIS OWN SWORD!”

Remember how I said the first arch scared me? The second arch was worse. There was only one carving. A really. Really. REALLY big carving of a giant snake. A really terrifying giant snake. It had a dragonish head (Eragon type, not MLP) and small spines stretching out all over its body.

“Great. Just fucking great.”

I was willing to wait there until Ren came down to get me (I still had enough respect for him to believe he would) until the hissing from back in the tunnel reminded me I wasn’t alone. With a deep breath and a heart beating like a jack-hammer, I walked slowly through the doorway.

“We are going to get sued for this.”

Imagine with me for a second. You are an adventurer seeking your fortune. You’ve made it through the traps and trials and are now entering the sacred chamber. Grinning with anticipation, you stick your head inside the doorway to see this final room.

Whatever you imagined, add a snake motif and that’s exactly what I found. Big stone room, strange vine covered carvings, and a big hole in the ceiling fifty feet above me with a light shining down onto the pedestal in the center of the room. And on that pedestal was, you guessed it, a golden snake. A small bird flew through the hole above me, making a panicked chirp.
The only thing missing was a Lucasarts logo.

“At least I found the way out.” More climbing. Yay! Seriously, it was hard enough when I had both hands (yes I’m back to calling them hands, deal with it). There was a particularly large root hanging on the wall opposite me so I figured that would be a good place to start.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Grudgingly, I walked into what is presumably the sacred chamber of the snake god and made my way to the other side. My eyes were glued to the walls for signs of the giant snake years of media had told me should be here.

I skirted around the pedestal, not wanting to go near it. Not because I was afraid of the idol, but because it was probably trapped. Actually, I was one hundred percent sure it was trapped. Considering my recent experience with traps, I’d like to keep a ten foot distance between me and them at all times. Besides, I wasn’t here for treasure.

So I did the unthinkable and skipped out on the loot (all those wasted hours on Diablo), going straight to the root on the wall. With absolutely no hesitation, I started climbing. I whistled the theme from Indiana Jones to keep my mind from wandering. Yet another thing we were going to be sued for. I mean come on! Hallway full of traps, large creepy sacred chamber, possibly cursed treasure. The only thing I hadn’t run into was-

*HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

Well I was asking for it.

“What have we here?”

Eeyup. It was a TALKING giant snake that was currently slithering out of a hole in the corner of the ceiling. It turned and started coming down the wall in a circular motion. A wall I vacated pretty fucking quick. And of course, it looked exactly the same as the giant carving on archway. Only with gold scales, black eyes, and black tips on its…spine things.

“A little thief in my temple? Come to steal my treassssures.”

The snake reached the floor and coiled up, letting its head lift high above me. I meanwhile, nervously backed up until I ran into the pedestal. Which I got behind. Immediately.

“Do you have any idea how many have tried for that little beauty before you? If I had armssssss, I could build mysssself a houssssse with their bonessss.” That was a truly terrifying statement. Especially when you take into account how huge it was. I’m not going to go into actual footage (mostly because I don’t want to), but it could probably eat a cow in one bite.

“I sssssuppose you tripped all the trapsssss?” I managed to force my rapidly freezing nervous system to order a nod. “Great. Do you know how hard it issss to resssset thosssse every time ssssome idiot comessss along and diessss on them? And you made it all the way through! That’s yearssss of work you imbecile!”

He let out an angry hiss. I felt myself back up into the morning. He swayed around the pedestal, coming ever closer to me. I felt my function control eroding. Starting with my bladder.

“Sssso, you going to fight or just ssssit againsssst the wall and cry?” I said nothing. Just sat against the wall. But I didn’t cry. That’s something right? “Fantasssstic. I just love the tasssste of pissss.” The snake lifted its head high above me. “Well, let’ssss get thissss over with. Any lasssst words?” Honestly, I just wanted to curse out Ren, but my higher functions had left for the moment, so I really couldn’t do anything but stare at it wide eyed. “Too bad. I’ve gotten ssssome pretty impressssive one linerssss through the yearsss. Ssssee you on the other sssside thief.”

His head came down lightning quick and I closed my eyes and accepted the inevitable.

…

…

…

What gives?

Slowly, ever so slowly, I opened my eyes to see the giant beast’s face hovering just a foot away from my own.

“BOO!”

With a shriek that would have put any Girl Scout troop to shame, I jumped ten feet in the air and hugged the wall for dear life. I felt sweat (IT WAS SWEAT I SWEAR) trickle down my legs. Behind me was the horrible sound of…laughter.

The giant terrifying snake that, until a few seconds ago, was about to eat me was now busy laughing his ass(?) off.

The fuck?

“It’s been far too long since I’ve gotten to do that.” The snake wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. “ And I believe congratulations are in order! You just set a new height record for non-flying creatures!” He gave me the snake equivalent of a smile while I stared dumbly at him. It seemed my brain had stopped working for the moment. “I suppose you want an explanation?” I somehow managed a nod. “Let’s see…”

“A long time ago the snake god created that little guy on the pedestal there (no I don’t know what it does) and charged me with guarding it. He granted me eternal life and increased size to do so. Over the years, many would be adventurers showed up wanted to claim it. Eventually I got tired of eating them and figured out most would leave willingly when confronted by a giant snake. So now I get my kicks from scaring idiots who decide to raid ancient temples. Understand?”

Processing…

Stupid? Yes, but the logic was sound. Perhaps it was his now friendly demeanor or the jump scare wearing off, but I found my voice buried under so many layers of fear.

“So you’re not going to eat me?” I choked out.

“Are you going to take my treasure?” he asked, malice gathering behind every word.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” I squeaked.

“Then no,” he said with a face that wouldn’t have been out of place on a lolcat. “I am Atheris, Avatar of the Snake God.”

“Khajiit.” I slowly climbed back down the wall. Fear still twisted my gut in ten places, but it didn’t look like Atheris was planning on eating me, so it wasn’t function stopping like before. Still, I was probably going to have nightmares for weeks.

“Hmmm…” He gave me the famous ‘not-sure-if’ look.

“What?”

“Are you sure that’s your name? It doesn’t sound right to me.”

“It’s my name,” I deadpanned.

“Are you su-”

“Yes I’m sure! And what the hell happened to your lisp?”

“My lisp? Oh! You mean the ssssssss thing. I just do that to scare tourists. Gotta go for the full effect you know.” He coiled back on himself. I think that’s how he slouched. “So…what brings you here?” Well…he’s not going to eat me. Why lie?

“My jackass friend found out I was afraid of snakes, so he threw me down here to help me get over it.”

“Seems to be working. You’re not afraid right now.”

“I’m terrified. I don’t even know how I’m talking to you right now.”

“Hmmm…well you shouldn’t be. Most snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.” He leaned in close and whispered into my ear. “Some of your kind considers them a delicacy.” He shuddered, as if eating snakes was the most detestable thing in the world when he practically admitted to eating my species. To each their own I guess. “No point in being afraid of them. Most sentients are too big to eat so as long as you’re not actively bothering them, they should leave you alone.”

“Believe me, we’ll have no problems there.” He laughed and I managed a small smile. “Still going to kill Ren though…”

“Ren! Is that bastard still lazing around? Haven’t seen him in years.” Now that I didn’t expect.

“You know Ren?”

“Cat-man, silver-fur, blue eyes, complete bastard?” I nodded. “Yep. He and his girlfriend came down here a few score years back looking for treasure. Scared them off that pretty quick.” He used his tail like a knuckle to brush some nonexistent dust off his nonexistent shoulder. “Anyway, you said you wanted to find the exit, right?”

“Yeah. I’m guessing that’s it.” I pointed to the hole in the ceiling.

“Only way out on this end. Why didn’t you just climb out the other hole?”

“Ren put a rock over.” Atheris burst out laughing.

“Classic! Good to see he’s found a sense of humor.”

“Yeah. It’s great.” I’m going to feed him to a swarm of driver ants.

“I’m sure it is. Well, I have a ton of traps to reset so we might want to wrap this up.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. It gives me something to do. Sitting around guarding a statue all day leaves you with a surprising amount of free time.” He brought his head down closer to my face. “I can give you a lift if you want.” For whatever reason, his tongue chose that moment to taste the air and the end slapped me in the face.

“EWW!” I wiped off my face and looked at him. “Gross! Be careful with…”

Atheris was giving me a blank stare. With no warning, he licked me. No I’m serious. A giant snake straight up licked me.

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

“So you are a thief!” he roared. Gone was the relaxed demeanor he displayed just moments before. Now his face was full of a fury more terrible than anything I’d ever seen before.

Really glad I’d skipped breakfast that morning.

“I didn’t steal anything!”

“LIAR!” His tail came around and threw me forward. Atheris began circling me quickly, trapping me in his coils. I had maybe three feet to move in each direction. “The stench of demons is on you! Who summoned you thief? ANSWER!”

“I don’t know-”

“DO NOT LIE TO ME!”
“Somnambula! She said her name was Somnambula!” He looked thoughtful, like he was remembering something far away.

“That name I do not know. It still does not change your fate.” The serpent reared up in front of me until his head was two stories off the ground. “Though I weep for the fate of that poor man, such a crime cannot go unpunished. DIE DEMON!”

His head came charging down. Everything seemed to slow, just like in the jungle. Oddly enough, I felt calm. My fear didn’t go away; it was more like I shoved it to the background. Fear wasn’t useful.

Jumping. Now that was useful.

Once again saving myself through instinct alone, I leaped to the side just before his head crashed into the floor. I hopped onto one of his coils and down the other side. In a second, Erebus was out and my arm was swapped for the blade.
I’d be terrified later. I had a snake to kill!

Said snake let out a furious hiss. Instinct had saved me numerous times so far, so I let it take me to the left. I narrowly avoided being crushed. The impact of snake on wall was enough to shake a few stones loose from the roof. With lightning speed, he turned to me and lunged forcing me into another jump. I leaped up onto his back and, without even thinking about it, stabbed down with the dagger.

The scales parted easily and my blade sank hilt deep into snake flesh. There was a cry of pain and the coil below me twisted. I withdrew the blade and leaped onto the pedestal into the center. Atheris seemed to be a bit stunned. He must not get hurt often. It gave me a few seconds to think.

This room isn’t that big, but he is. I’ll need to keep moving to avoid getting cornered. My blades can pierce his scales. I guess dragons’ are stronger. One solid thrust to the head with Erebus should kill him. If he can be killed that is.

DON’T THINK LIKE THAT! He can be killed and you’re going to do it. It doesn’t matter that he’s the avatar of the snake god. Or that he’s a snake. A really…really…big fucking snake.

But what did he mean when he said-

Atheris snapped his gaze to me. His eyes were filled with pure hate. The sight nearly stopped my heart.

QUESTION LATER! KILL NOW!

He sprang at me and I dropped to the floor. He was going for over the pedestal so I got a good view of his sliceable underbelly. I held up Erebus, allowing the snakes momentum to deliver a long, shallow cut. Not enough to be lethal, but it should sting enough to limit his movement.

“I don’t want to fight you!” I screamed at him.

“IT DOES NOT MATTER! YOU MUST DIE FOR YOUR CRIME!”

“What crime?”

“AS IF YOU DON’T KNOW! THOUGH IT MAY TAKE WEEKS FOR THE TASTE TO LEAVE MY MOUTH, I WILL END YOU!”

What taste? I know I haven’t really been bathing as much as I would’ve liked but-

I forgot to watch the tail, which slapped me into the wall at high speed.

Right. Question later. Kill now.

Ignoring what might have been a cracked rib; I leaped above the snake’s next strike and landed once more on his back. I was overusing this tactic, but there wasn’t much else to do. I delivered three quick cuts to keep him mad. As Ren told me many times, anger equals mistakes. It was important to keep a level head at all times.

It worked. The snake let out another hiss of rage and jumped off the wall, trying to squish me between two places on his back. I laid down and held my swords straight up. Both cut deep into the enraged beast. I was nearly killed in the process, but the damage the move caused was worth it.

The two halves separated and I rolled off the coil. I winced when I felt my bruised chest. Atheris didn’t seem to be faring any better. He was writhing on the ground in agony.

“Last chance snake. Let me go now and we both walk out of here.” All I got in response was a stare that could match up to Fluttershy. At a speed I couldn’t hope to match, he charged forward and pulled me up into the air.

As his jaws snapped closed, I lifted Erebus straight in his path. The bottom jaw pushed me and my blade forward. The scimitar cut through his pallet, straight into the brain, and out the other side.

There was a mighty shudder and a final hiss. Then, the head of the snake god’s avatar started to sway. It landed on its side and went still.

With me still inside.

FUCK! I was trapped in Atheris’s jaws. It wasn’t strong enough to crush me, but I couldn’t breathe. The snake’s fangs were on either side of me. Just a couple inches to the side and I would have been skewered. I wondered if that was preferable to being suffocated.

I had another problem. Now that the fight was over, fear was slowly creeping back into my mind. I had to get out of here now or I’d freeze up and die. With no other options, I positioned myself as best I could and started to push. The head was laying on its side so it wasn’t like I had to lift the entire weight. It was still heavy as fuck!

A strange fuzziness was clouding the edges of my vision. If I didn’t get air soon, I’d pass out. With a grunt I shoved forward, feeling the dead reptile’s head slide a little on the blade. Would be so much easier if I used a straight sword. Finally, it gave way enough to give me room to move. I worked my legs up to my chest and pushed.

There was a wet, cracking sound as I forced the snake’s mouth open. I took in a shuddering breath as the two walls of flesh separated. With no hesitation, I grabbed my sword and pulled. The blade slid out with very little resistance. I don’t know what it was made out of, but it’s good stuff. Then I crawled across one of the fangs until I pulled myself out of his mouth.

For a time I just laid their on the ground. I curled up into the fetal position, covered in a mixture of snake spit and blood, and just let myself shake for a while.

After a time I felt something nudging me. Not a large something, or very insistent, just something gently trying to get my attention. I obliged it and was greeted with something that chilled me to the bone.

The statue from the pedestal was curled up in front of me, staring with it’s very alive, onyx black eyes. Without a sound, it slithered over to my left arm. The tiny serpent quickly wrapped itself around my remaining wrist and flashed brightly. When the light faded, a solid gold and onyx, snake shaped bracelet had taken its place.

I sat there staring wide eyed. I’m pretty sure my brain had shut down. A statue had just come alive and attached itself to my wrist. What the hell do you say to that?

“I need a drink.”

Yeah, that works.

“Ah, you’re back. How was your trip?”

After much climbing, a few healing potions (I’m surprised they didn’t break, but the Vren make strong glass), and some tracking, I managed to work my way to campsite Ren had set up. I found him cooking meat and smoking what appeared to be a cigar made out of dock leaves. The smile on his face disappeared the second he saw my new bracelet.

“How the hell did you-”

“SHUT UP!” He looked at my unbelievably furious face and beat up look. His eyes went suitably wide.

“Did you kill-”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“He tried to eat me!” Ren’s shocked look changed to one of confusion.

“Atheris wouldn’t do that unless…” His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Did you try to steal the serpent?”

“No.”

“You’re wearing it. I know it’s pretty, but…”

“I didn’t try to steal it! We were talking and he licked me and I guess I…tasted wrong or something. Pretty fucking ironic considering he actively tried to SWALLOW ME WHOLE!”

“Wait…Atheris…licked you?”

“Yes.”

“Disgusting!”

“It was. Especially when I killed him and was TRAPPED INSIDE HIS MOUTH!” The old cat had just enough decency to look ashamed. “And to top it off, I can’t get this stupid thing off!” I held up the serpent which hadn’t done anything since it crawled onto my wrist. “And what the hell are you smoking?”

“Nepta Cataria.” Yes, you heard him right.

“Catnip?”

“Catnip.”

“You’re smoking catnip.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It’s relaxing. Want some?” He held up a second cigar apologetically. I took it (along with a spit of meat off the fire) cautiously.

“What exactly will this do to me?”

“If you smell it, you’ll get a rush of adrenalin and feel like nothing is wrong with the world. When eaten or smoked, however, it is a natural relaxant.” He leaned back and took another long drag. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I’ve never known Atheris to attack without reason.” He actually did look sorry.

“You’re just lucky I’m too tired to kick your ass.” I sat down by the fire and lit the end of the cigar. I’ll try anything once, as long as it doesn’t kill and/or maim me. I held the length of burning leaf to my lips and took a puff.

Needless to say, after a few minutes of coughing (in which Ren didn’t laugh once surprising) I managed to get the hang of it. Getting high in the middle of the jungle doesn’t seem like a smart move, but I needed to relax somehow. I’m pretty sure what I really needed was a drink, but alcohol wasn’t readily available, so catnip would have to do.

He was right though. I actually began to relax after a bit. It wasn’t really a strong high, I just suddenly felt very calm. Almost as if I could just fall asleep right there. But I didn’t. There were still a few more things to consider.

I killed a snake. A giant snake! A giant SENTIENT snake. And…I was okay with it. It was a snake after all. That tried to eat me. And nearly succeeded. And it’s always easier the second time.

But there was one more thing bothering me.

“Ren, are there any tribes like me?” He opened his eyes and looked at me over the fire. I think he was trying to sleep.

“What do you mean?”

“Do any of the tribes share my coloring? Dark brown with green eyes?” He rubbed his chin in thought.

“Well, I don’t know what brown or green look like so I can’t really help you there.” Right…colorblind. I have to remember that. “There are a few that are similar shades, but that’s really all I can tell you. I haven’t met every tribe personally. You’d have to find them yourself to know for sure. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.”

The way Atheris had talked…I’d thought about it ever since leaving the ruins. There were only two possibilities that made sense.

The first was that he just smelled my human origins mixed with whatever Somnambula smells like. I had no problems believing she was a demon. The second…

Who’s body is this?

A message from the author:

First off, I mad a minor change to chapters four and five. The witch's deadline is now one year instead of till the wedding. That was in relation to a plan that is no longer in effect.

Second, for those wondering, the snake bracelet and Atheris look like this:

Thanks for reading!