[Concordia]

“DAMN IT WILHELM YOU GOT MY DAUGHTER PREGNANT!”

“Dad! I’m an adult! I get to make my own decisions!”

“YOU’RE FUCKING PREGNANT!”

“And?! Wilhelm’s awesome in bed!”

“Angel!”

“He is! Besides, I can do a lot more with him than-”

“LALALALALA!” John yelled with his fingers in ears as his daughter droned on about it. The stallion paced the Meriff’s office, refusing to look at his daughter except when he would turn to yell back at her.

“... I’m honestly amazed he hasn’t tried to sink a bullet in my head yet.” Wilhelm said as he and Jack enjoyed some popcorn. “... Shut up, Felicity, I’ve been offline to do that long enou- I know you’re horny. Let me enjoy this.”

“Shouldn’t you unplug her now?” Jack asked, slightly concerned for his friend.

“I’d love to. But I can’t. She won’t get out.” Wilhelm explained as he slumped over in his seat and shoveled a large handful of popcorn into his mouth. “Felicity, stop searching through my subroutines to find the controls to my dick… or my sleep button. I’m warning you before I turn my protocols back on.” Wilhelm continued to look quite annoyed. “... You asked for it…. I gave you a warning!”

“Okay, that’s enough. I’ve had a long day yesterday, a long night. It’s too early for this shit, and we have things to do. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Jack screamed, making everyone pause. “Angel, pull Felicity out of Wilhelm so she stops screwing with his systems. John, deal with it, your daughter is a mare, not a filly. Wilhelm… choose more responsible times to be a stud.”

“... You act like I can just stop. I honestly did not choose to do any of this.” The ‘stud’ responded.

“Considering you’ve been dry for a long time before recently? Yes. You could have totally avoided all of this right here.” Jack gestured the the drama in the room.

“... You act like I’m purposefully causing this just to have sex. I’m really not. Frankly, I was fine with Trixie.” WIlhelm declared with certainty.

“Trixie feels like she was being talked about. How is everyone without her presence?” Trixie’s Echo card appeared in their HUDs, and Jack smirked.

Wilhelm glared at Jack. “... I fucking hate you, Jack. Trixie, we’re all fine. We’re just trying to get shit under contro-”

“This asshole got my daughter pregnant!” John yelled.

“John, what did we talk about?”

“Oh. So Trixie has a new half-sister? Wonderful!” Trixie declared cheerfully.

Wilhelm groans. “We have the AI we need. Said AI is slightly rampant thanks to some asshole scav, and thanks to that same scav, she’s somehow on the cycle.” Wilhelm explained. “The AI rendered me offline for a bit so I could try to deal with her, and Angel decided to jump into my head as well.”

Trixie blinked and scratched at her chin. “Wait, if it was digital, how did you manage to knock her-?”

“SO before John decides he wants to attempt strangling me, how about we get back to work, and you go buy a fucking pregnancy test for your daughter instead of going off what she’s saying.” The android barks out, mumbling the word dumbass under his breath.

“... Trixie believes she is going to go now. Please call Trixie back later.” The mare said before hanging up. With the distraction gone, all eyes fell on Angel and John for their response.

“Okay, fine. I’m not actually pregnant.” Angel huffed.

“Oh thank gosh.” John sighed in relief.

“It was just a lie I was telling everyone… mainly myself, though I did want to freak out dad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back into the Echonet before my body realizes what’s up.” Angel said before doing just that, an angry look on her face from having to admit the truth.

“Guess she’s lonely. Probably why she has so many pets. Speaking of which, where’s Amy?” Jack asked, looking around for his pet Jumbuck.

“... You mean the thing we got off that drunk moron I shot?” Wilhelm asked with a flat, somewhat agitated tone.

“Yeah! I sent her here for her safety, where’s the adorable little rock lizard?” Jack asked his brother who sighed in annoyance.

“I sent her to my home for safety. Nowhere on Elpis is safe right now. Now, Roland did manage to find evidence that not only is the Titan Production Facility working, but the scavs there are even using it to make Stingrays and old Dahl powersuits.” John’s words were punctuated by Angel jolting in her chair and Wilhelm relaxing. “Also that it’s very hard to escape a horny siren who gets off on violence.”

“Ha. He got fucked.” Wilhelm laughed. He’d feel a sudden surge back in his head as Angel came on the Echo.

“Alright, I just gave Wilhelm Felicity back. She should be stable now, and hopefully not want a round two.” Angel informed everyone, seeming a bit flustered.

“Hello. Terribly sorry about that, by the way.” Felicity said as she came on the Echo as well. “I must say, it was… Not fun being the Bosun’s fake squeeze… Actually made me feel quite dirty for the longest time, but I should be fine now. Thankfully AI cannot propagate from… ‘data exchange’ or we would have a separate problem.”

“Thank goodness for that, the last thing we need is our combat AI being pregnant too.” Jack muttered before turning to leave.

“Oh yes. That is the worst possible thing.” Felicity said flatly.

“Dude. Really?” Wilhelm said just as flatly as he jabbed Jack in the arm.

“Look, you can figure out how to have adorable digital puppies with your new girlfriend later. Right now, we have a fucking moon to save. Sorry if I’m on edge.” Jack’s statement was punctuated by the moon shaking. This laser blast seemed worse than usual. “Kay, time to go!”

[Triton Flats]

“Are you sure this is necessary? I mean, couldn’t Wilhelm just fly us there?” Jack asked as he parked his Stingray next to Wilhelm’s, walking up the stairs towards the train platform elevator.

“As much as that’d be fun. No.” Wilhelm said flatly.

“This train is the only way there besides flying, and how else would the scavs be able to get there with no space for landing ships at the facility?” Felicity added on with certainty.

“We may have to disable some anti-air. Fuck if we know.”

“Eh, whatever.” Jack huffed as the elevator reached the top of the train platform. “Huh, seems Nisha and Aurelia passed by here, those Shuggurath nests are looking pretty ruined.” Jack’s comment was rather apt, every Shuggurath nest they’d come across had been blown to hell with the opening stuffed with junk and rocks where possible.

“Crazy pregnant bitches knew what to do.” Wilhelm said as he took out the SUPER NORFLEET to polish the massive weapon.

“That’s rather a shame though. I remember Dahl used them as a source of Spice.” Felicity commented as the group neared the console next to the track. “Plug me in, I’ll summon the train.” Wilhelm took Felicity’s AI core out of his Echo and plugged her into the console.

“Train incoming maggots!” The console declared, with that Wilhelm put Felicity away.

“Hey Fragtrap, you’ve been oddly quiet since we left Concordia.” Jack asked of the little robot, who hadn’t spoken since they met back up.

“...Ah. Fragtrap has messaged me. He just had new RAM installed, it’s having a time adjusting to his system as he searches for the drivers to his voice modulator.” Felicity informed the two stallions, who nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, that kind of thing can be a bitch.” Wilhelm added, understanding the situation a bit too well. “I could help you out if you need it, buddy.”

“Fragtrap says he’s got it in hand.” Felicity passed on to them as the train arrived.

[Titan Industrial Facility]

“This place has a serious pest control problem.” Jack commented with disgust at the massive Tork nests all over the place, literally wrapping around and into the rusting metal Dahl facility. “This is nearly as bad as the canyon, but at least that place has the excuse of being a natural habitat.”

“I think you’re too focused on the problem that you’ve forgotten the solution.” Wilhelm said as he shouldered the SUPER NORFLEET and readied a spare clip on his belt. “You may want to cover your ears.”

“Hoo boy….” Jack winced as he pulled out fluffy pink earmuffs and covered his sensitive equine ears while Fragtrap folded his arms into his chassis and hunkered down. Several massive explosions later, and Wilhelm would give him a thumbs up. Somehow, he had managed to destroy all of the Torks and Tork nests in the area, without breaking any of the buildings or structures the nests used to be attached to.

“Done.” The android said, smiling as he blew the smoking barrel of the launcher.

“Not to burst your bubble stud, but I’ve managed to wirelessly connect to the facility’s old surveillance system, and it’s crawling with Torks.” Felicity reported with a shudder. “So disgusting.”

“Eh, that’s kind of expected, I’m more impressed with how I kept everything intact.” Wilhelm said with a smile.

“Dahl is known for their sturdy construction.” Felicity stated with pride as the group moved onwards, Wilhelm blowing up the next area’s disgusting accumulation of Tork nests, the abominations helplessly joining them in destruction. “I hope you’ve brought enough rockets, the area after this garage is the worst off.”

“Hey, this stupid door is jammed!” Jack complained as he tried to pull up the garage door that led further into the facility, only for him to be knocked back by a Badass Tork Dredger bursting through said door, spraying Corrosion everywhere. “SHIT! It’s on my pants!”

“Oh yes, like that’s the worst thing possible.” Wilhelm said, a bit of corrosion on his face, which was luckily blocked by his shield.

“These jeans are not acid-wash!” Jack complained moments before Fragtrap perforated the Tork with a spray of bullets from his spinigun.

“They are now.” Felicity joked, which got a chuckle out of Wilhelm.

“Screw you guys. Well, if it’s even worse out there, can you go ahead and-owie!” Jack complained as a small personal lockbox fell from the rafters, and when it opened it somehow ejected a long noodly snake-like head that fell neck-first onto Jack’s head. “The hell?!” Jack shouted in shock, yanking it off and throwing it onto the floor.

“The absolute fuck is this?” Wilhelm said as he picked it off the ground, the thing flexing in his grasp. “... Looks wiggly.” Wilhelm put the helmet on, then proceeded to headbang, making it wiggle absolutely everywhere.

“You look like a total dork.” Jack snickered in amusement, then looked at the small lockbox with a wince. “Well, that’s morbid.” Jack commented, pulling a helmet out of the box with a skull inside of it.

“OH HEY! That’s what happened to it!” Called a random, masculine voice. A figure covered in black armor with what looked to be bone spikes covering it. He had what looked to be the mouth of a rather large black, spikey monster covered in chains on his back “I was wondering where it went!” The figure yanked the helmet off of Wilhelm’s head and immediately put it on. “Thanks for finding it, friends!”

“... Who the fuck are you?” Wilhelm asked, a bit miffed that the man ruined his fun.

“And why do you look like a Bunkers and Badasses Roleplayer?” Jack asked in curiosity.

“A what?” The figure asked, completely confused. “... Anyways, thanks for finding my helmet. Uh… Oh! Here. You can have this gun I found.” He pulled out a Dahl Pistol covered in what looked like fresh blood. “It… Kinda showed up when I lost my helmet… Gave me a good bonk on the head.”

“That gun looks cursed. Can I have it? Oh! My voice modulator is synced up!” Fragtrap declared, his voice slightly less annoyingly tinny.

“Uh… Sure little… box… thing… Are you a robot?” He asked as he handed Fragtrap the gun.

“Yup! I’m FR4G-TP!” Fragtrap declared as the man was suddenly swooped away by a rather large and derpy looking ostritch dragon thing. “Well that happened.”

“GOD DAMN IT!” Came the scream of the man as the bird pulled him deeper into the facility.

“Well that was… Certainly a thing.” Wilhelm said with a somewhat annoyed tone.

“This gun is called Gwen’s Other Head. I have to wonder where Gwen’s Head is.” Fragtrap commented, completely unfazed by the weird BnB guy being taken by a mutant bird.

“I’m probably holding it.” Jack deadpanned before tossing the helmet-wearing skull to the side. “Okay, can we get back to-.” Wilhelm interrupted him by firing the SUPER NORFLEET out the door at the first visible Tork nest, the tightly clustered trio of ultimate explosive destruction making short work of the disgusting creatures and their homes.

“Alright.” Felicity said as they came to a stop in front of an even larger garage door. “I should be able to get us through this next area quickly if I can just hack-”

“Already done. Walk on through boys.” Angel commented, cutting off Felicity. The door opened up, letting them head right on in.

“... I feel like we just avoided a massive headache.” Wilhelm said as he put away his launcher, which was smoking pretty heavily. “Good thing, too. I only have a couple clips of my launcher left. Might also be overheating the weapon. Better write a report to Torgue and What’s her name.”

“That will not be necessary, keep up the good work Mercenary Wilhelm.” Felicia, the President of Maliwan purred for a moment on the Echo, and then promptly signed back off, likely too busy to actually carry a conversation, but wanting to get that bit of business out of the way.

“... Oh right, she collects info on the fly. Forgot about that.” Wilhelm remembered.

“Oi! Who let you in?” A scav that was working on a Stingray asked, standing up and scratching his head. “You the ones making all that noise? You kill the torks?”

“Yeah. We’re exterminators. Now let us through or we’ll be dealing with a different kind of infestation.” Fragtrap said as he cocked his Flakker II.

“What my hasty little robot pal means, is we need to get to the robot factory in the back to make a robot army to fight those Dahl dogs.” Jack informed him, only for a couple of scavs in the back to growl.

“Oi! Those the fucks makin all the noise?!” One of them demanded, the one who was more polite sighing and rubbing the bridge of his snout.

“I swear to god, if you guys don’t shut the fuck up, I’m just going to blow you all up.” Wilhelm threatened as he pulled out his still smoking launcher.

“Please do.” Felicia cooed over Echo.

“I am ready to rumble!” Fragtrap declared, his mystery shotgun which nobody has seen fire yet aimed in the general direction of the scavs.

“Oi! Can we bloody not? They’s RIP’s pals. We ain’t need ta’ fight ‘em if we gon’ be helpin’ ‘em.” Said one in a VERY Cockney-Australian accent.

“... I think I felt the last of my brain cells just die.” Wilhelm said.

Jack scrunched his brow in confusion. “But you’re an an-”

“I KNOW WHAT I SAID, JUST KEEP GOING!” The android grouched as he shoved Jack forward. “I just want to get this day over with and enter a proper sleep cycle.”

The group continued onwards through the Stingray section of the facility, and got a double call from both Angel and the… questionably ‘intelligent’ scav.

“So, we’ve pulled our men out. Fact’ry’s all you’s. An’ take that limpdick doc with ya, too.” The scav said before hanging up.

“... Anyways, I was unable to deactivate the Dahl defenses, and the scavs triggered a good bit of them on their way out. You’ll be up against a bunch of turrets, rampant security bots, and AI driven mech suits…. Who are also rampant.” Angel explained.

“It’s a shame less complicated AI are so prone to rampancy. Then again production of AI of my level is rather expensive and prolonged.” Felicity commented while they walked across a cargo bay, stopping at the sealed door with a ‘Not Safe’ sign hanging on it.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here.” Came a fairly relieved voice as the door opened, the sign falling off and clattering on the floor to reveal a light brown unicorn with way too many movable lenses on his fancy glasses. He wore a greasy lab coat and casual work clothes but his wild spiky mane and tail still managed to make him look like a mad scientist rather than an engineer. “About time you came to rescue me.”

“We didn’t. We came to make robots, if you can help, we’ll help you.” Fragtrap said coldly.

“... That’s a bit harsh, but he’s not wrong.” Wilhelm said, agreeing.

“Oh, well that’s even better! I came here to use local resources to help me work on my magnum opus for my work in Hyperion’s R&D due to limited resources available to Helios.” The unicorn stated, still quite pleased as he walked them through the slightly cleaner room to the back door.

“Hey~! It’s crazy Gladstone! I thought you died on Helios.” John cheerfully commented.

“No. Whatever’s going on up there, I was moonside when it happened. I’ve been stuck here, captured by scavs and passing myself off as a medic to stay alive. I may have a budget New-U account, but I’d rather avoid such an outcome.” Gladstone shuddered, the two other stallions joining him in it from sympathetic memory as he unlocked the door leading onwards.

“Well, luckily we’re here. Now, do you know how to make us some robots?” Jack asked, trying to cut to the point.

“Didn’t I say that? Yes! It’s my specialty!” Gladstone pat his left thigh to likely hint at his cutie mark, making Jack wince as Wilhelm went on ahead. “If you can get me past the torks and any security, I’ll be able to get right back to work. My project was on what I call a ‘Constructor’. A mobile complex digistruct platform able to build things locally, on demand using preset blueprints.”

“A robot that can build other robots? Sold! Get in there kiddos!” John cheered.

Wilhelm, meanwhile, had scouted ahead slightly with Fragtrap. “Uh, guys? You might want to get over here real quick.” At his words, the two brainy unicorns looked to each other before going outside to join the two mechanical murder machines.

“Okay, what the absolute, fuck. This is literally straight out of a fantasy board game!” Jack snarled as he crossed his arms.

It was the fucking wiggler head guy again, this time in what looked like Dante’s outfit from Devil May Cry with a sword, killing robots left and right, and it looked like he had managed to change the colors on his helmet from blue to red during all of that, somehow. He took a break as he chopped another robot in half, and looked over at the group. “Oh hey guys! Fancy meeting you here again!”

“Hello unusual traveler! Where is that unique bird that abducted you?” Fragtrap asked casually, approaching him with ease.

“Uh… I killed it, and the body landed in some sort of incinerator.” He explained as he put the sword on his back. “So, how are you guys?”

“Is he an ancient era beast hunter?” Gladstone asked curiously, but Jack just held up his hand to try and stall any further exposition.

“... I mean, I guess from your point of view I would be.” The man said as he scratched the back of where his head probably is.

“Stop~! No. This is a dimensional anomaly eating into our precious time we need to stop Helios-.” Jack was interrupted by Helios firing again. “Point proven, let’s go! You get to come along since you’re obviously not from this dimension.”

“Cool. I’m actually looking for something, though, so-”

“Knowing how these happen, it’ll probably show up while you’re helping. Now let’s go.” Wilhelm said before he reached out and grabbed the ‘Wiggler Knight’, then began to drag him behind them.

Thankfully the out-of-place ‘Wiggler Knight’ seemed to be more of an asset instead of a hinderance. Among things, when he was handed a gun, he actually managed to use it properly… With an uncanny accuracy, too. Any remaining security bots and torks that hadn’t been slaughtered yet fell without fanfare and they proceeded to enter the robot factory at long last.

Author's Notes:

Sorry it's a day late, we both got a case of the lazies and RL eating into our funtime. Oh, I've also been binging on Borderlands 2, and DJ told me not to mention it, so I'm mentioning it. He's been playing way too much Monster Hunter World lately, so here's a new Displaced with no attached story XD

YOU SHALL LAUGH AT HIS WIGGLYNESS!

Fuck you, Gamejunkie. -DJ