[Outlands Canyon]

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Jack mumbled, his split lip bleeding as he planted one of the two tadpole threshers in the planter box in the rocket. “We’re going to be responsible for killing so many people, and disrupting fragile ecosystems.”

“Eh, I think they’re fun.” Wilhelm said as he petted the head of his larger thresher tadpole. “Hey Hammerlock, what did you say the name of this one was?”

“I’ve named that one Terry and the other one Slappy.” Hammerlock cheerfully informed them.

“Hey, uh...I know I’m not bound to my former regulations, but isn’t this in direct violation of planetary law section E, subsection fourteen?” Fragtrap asked. “Also, we’re under contract of Princess Luna, wouldn’t she and her sister Princess Celestia have a problem with this?”

“Yes, which is why this is being done so hush-hush little claptrap.” Hammerlock reminded. “There now, they’re nice and settled in. Just launch the delivery rocket. Seymour will have already programmed it to land near my home.”

“Fine, launching. Hopefully next time we meet you won’t demand I wrestle with one of these things.” Jack grumbled as he moved to the launch console, Wilhelm and Fragtrap getting off the platform for safety.

“Oh-ho I wouldn’t count on that. I may not like my family, but it is Hammerlock tradition to haze the in-laws. I will destroy you. Cheerio!” Hammerlock signed off as the rocket extended out from the platform and flew off towards an unsuspecting, and woefully unprepared Pandora.

“Hey Jacky…didn’t he just say that one of them is named Terry?” Wilhelm asked, a bit stoic.

“Yes Wilhelm...yes he did.” Jack sighed in resignation. “And the other was Slappy.”

“... We just unleashed Terramorphous and Old Slappy on the world.” The android said as he facepalmed.

“Why do you think I had issues with this?” Jack insisted.

“The manner in which you’re both referencing something leads me to believe you may have future knowledge. To preserve my sense of continuity and avoid processing errors, I will erase this memory chunk. What were we talking about?” Fragtrap asked curiously.

“...The little robot has the right idea, but I’d rather not erase my own memories.” Wilhelm said, still holding that facepalm.

“Better hold onto what we still have huh?” Jack asked bitterly as the trio approached Seymour, a rather plain roo with casual clothes behind his counter in his hole-in-the-wall shop. How he wasn’t dead or out of business from the nearby scav gangs was a mystery. “Okay, so. Hammerlock mentioned you’d pay us?” The fact he mentioned it while Jack was wrestling a literal tangle of tentacles into submission did not need to be made public.

“Ah yes, that charming drake sent the payment ahead for when it was done.” Seymour pulled a large briefcase out from behind the counter, opening it to reveal dozens of thousands of dollars. “I’m afraid he didn’t prepare a substantial reward for a group of Vault Hunters, but he did send this too….” Seymour knelt down and then brought out a rifle that made Jack squee in excitement. “You like it I guess?”

“I think he does… Um… I think you may have broken him.” Wilhelm said as he poked the now unresponsive stallion. “Jack, you okay in there? Hello?”

“Look at the fucking blade on that thing!” Jack gushed, grabbing the weapon and falling over onto the floor, laughing maniacally as he rolled around with the blade facing away from him. “I’m gonna STAB people so good with you!”

“... And to think. You were lecturing me about going overboard.”

“Still tame compared to my darkest fantasies. And a lot of execution demonstrations provided by the mega corporations, that John put into my database for reference.” Fragtrap appraised as he took a third of the payout. “I’m saving up for a new motherboard. Gotta get that up to spec first.”

Wilhelm switched out his left hand, then proceeded to bop the stallion on the head with his robo-fist. “Get a hold of yourself. You’re making us all look bad.”

“Naw, that’s tame compared to what Hammy does with his hunting rifles and shotguns. In fact, I’d recommend you wash that thing before you get any more intimate with it.” Seymour chuckled as Jack put it in his Echo then took it back out, essentially cleaning it. “Or that. Anything else I can do for you? I’m just a general merchant and the scavs, while scum, do have basic needs I provide for.”

“Naw, we’re good. Thanks for arranging this with Hammerlock.” Jack answered before nudging his cut of the pay over to his companions. “I’m more than happy with this gun, and I came into a million big ones before leaving Concordia.”

“Alright, let’s get moving, fellas. We have things to do. Places to go. People to kill.” Wilhelm said as he tried to push everyone along.

Once outside, the Eye of Helios fired again, this time nearly as long as it originally had been. “Damn it. Guess even with those robots onboard those moonshots other Jack sent those assholes have enough tenacity and skill to get it back online this soon.” Jack huffed in annoyance.

“Well, we could try flooding their forces with useless lesser models of myself. That should do it.” Fragtrap said, making Wilhelm and Jack both look at him in surprise. “What?! The ones up on Helios are an insult to the family name!”

“Little harsh, don’t you think, buddy?” The android asked, a bit concerned.

“Let me be the first to say that I utterly despise my product line with a vengeance. I am the first, and I am forever ashamed of the disgusting incompetence borne of my old OS.” Fragtrap declared with his spindly arms punching his flappy mitts together.

“I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of things the galaxy is dependent on steward bots for. Even if they’re annoying and fail at most of the things they do.” Jack admitted with a twitch of his brow. You couldn’t go five steps in an apartment building on some worlds without a steward bot asking you if you need a door opened or some other inane task done.

“Just you wait. When we get on helios, we’re going to run into something that requires a Claptrap, and I’m going to make you sit through all of their idiocy.” Fragtrap stated, crossing his wiry arms. “Trust me, they could all use a recall and a re-release with better software.”

“Hello. Harold Tassiter here. That is actually a rather sound idea. The little terrors do need to either be phased out or updated.” Commented the President of Hyperion, a pale-furred and oily-black maned unicorn in his advanced years appearing in the Echo card.

“Yeah, how about you hold off on doing that until we get Helios back under control…. That is, unless you want one of the Legion’s assholes doing something terrible with actually usable CL4P-TP units.” Wilhelm commented, making the powerful older stallion hum in consideration.

“Hm, good point. At this stage they’re more a hindrance to the enemy occupying my company’s most expensive asset. That said, I have some bad news. While I lay no blame for this fiasco on Luna or John, a majority of the Board is less understanding. As of this moment, I am unable to allow any more Hyperion money to be spent on the Helios Project.” Tassiter informed the group, getting a group sigh of frustration.

“Oh, of course. Damn pencil-pushing bureaucrats don’t understand an entire planet is at stake, along with all the resources that could mean for your business.” Jack grumbled as he rubbed the bridge of his snout.

“Trust me Jack, may I call you Jack?” Tassiter asked curiously, causing the younger stallion to scrunch his brows in confusion.

“Uh...yeah? It’s my name.” Jack looked at Wilhelm, who shrugged.

“Apologies, John went through a phase of sorts many years ago when he lost his wife. That aside, I do understand how much losing Helios along with Pandora and Elpis would cost us. It would destroy Hyperion. That said, while I cannot put forward any more funds to anything involving Helios, there’s nothing about any local resources I could give John and Luna permission to use to any means of taking back the station.” Tassiter smiled rather creepily on his unpleasantly wrinkled aquiline face.

“Well, isn’t that just great. Just great. At least we’re on the verge of a robot army.” Wilhelm said, trying to find something good in their current situation.

“Pray tell: how were you going to get that army to Helios?” Tassiter asked, and John signed into the call.

“... Fuck.” The android stated simply, slumping over a bit.

“Uh...that’s actually a good question. Didn’t think that far.” John admitted sheepishly.

“Yes. And it is lack of forethought like that which is why you’re not the president of this company yet.” The old stallion said, narrowing his eyes in the echo feed. “I suggest along the way you figure out how exactly you’re going to bring up an army of robots to fight these soldiers.” The Hyperion President and Vice President both hung up, leaving the three remaining Vault Hunters to themselves.

“... Here’s a thought, we can call up the other Jack.” Wilhelm said as he checked his Echo for said Jack’s token. “... Shit, where did we put it?!”

“I’ve got it.” Jack informed his friend, but bit his lip. “I don’t want to be a downer though, I don’t think we can afford his help with Hyperion stiffing us cash.”

“... More like you misplaced it.” The manly android said, cutting through his bullshit.

“...Yeah, I may have forgotten where it is. It feels like that was four years ago.” Jack rubbed his temple as he tried to remember where something as distinct as an otherworldly moonshot beacon ended up.

“Great. There goes one idea.” He said, scratching the back of his neck. “...Well shit. Guess we’ll just have to see if RIP has a ship…now, back to getting that AI.” Wilhelm declared as the group looked out over the cliff off into the far distance where the massive wreck rested, the vapors of massive methane pools and the smoke of lava rivers giving it a menacing appearance.

“... I don’t feel like walking into Mordor.” Fragtrap interjected, the robot feeling a bit bored.

“I feel like it’s more like the Shire with violent hobbits.” Wilhelm responded.

“Eh, more like dwarves, they have more hair.” Jack scratched at his chin in consideration.

“...Mall cop expo?” Fragtrap tried again. The robot received a thumbs up and a nod from Wilhelm. “Okay then. I don’t feel like walking into a mall cop expo. I’d rather crash through the front doors in a truck.”

“Small idea. I can fly us over there.” Wilhelm said as he picked up his two friends and charged for the nearby cliff.

“BUT YOU’RE A UNICORN!” Fragtrap screamed as the three plunged off the sheer drop.

Without saying anything, Wilhelm switched out his legs for JET Loader legs and began flying them the distance over to the Drakensberg where Pickle had said they could find an AI. On their way, they were hailed by a mysterious bulldog man named the Bosun. “Don’t come any- Hey wait! You have to take the bridge! You can’t fly over here like that!”

“I don’t, I am, and you cannot stop me.” Wilhelm said with a flat face. “The only thing that can stop me is Jack suffocating… On that note, Clappy, share your air with him.” The android ordered upon hearing his fleshy friend choking.

“*muffled choking sounds*”

“This is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! My love, fire up the anti-air batteries!” Bosun ordered of someone.

“We don’t have those. They were disabled a long time ago to help repair other parts of the ship.” Came the voice of a very annoyed, rather buxom Akita woman in a smart-looking military uniform that had nearly every button undone to vent her cleavage. “Just like you disabled my ability to ignore the cycle!”

“... Wow. I think that’s the AI. What do you think, Jack?” Wilhelm asked his friend.

“*GASP* Whew...I think she’s hot, and likely to be friends with my niece.”

“Yeah? Dibs. That goes for you, too, Fragtrap.” Wilhelm declared, getting the robot to sigh.

“Oh, what a pig. I can hear you, asshole!” The woman screamed into a private channel.

“Yeah? And I have some damaged functions right now. Among things, you could help, and I know someone who can help you.”

“Oh. Well that changes things. Come get me. I’ll play up some drama as you make your way through the-”

“Yeah, no. We’re flying in. Is there an airlock or something near you?” Wilhelm asks.

“I don’t think that’s an issue Wilhelm, I can see the gaping holes in the Drakensberg from here.” Jack observed as he used binoculars that Fragtrap was holding for him. “If I remember my lessons on Dahl construction and design, that one towards the bow of the ship should be near the AI mainframe and the control center.”

“Well, you could use that, but the Bosun is in there. If you go that way, he’s going to attack you. I’ll keep his forcefield generators offline if it helps.” The AI said over the chat.

“Great, I can use some of the new weapons I acquired in Fragtrap’s glitched out mind.” Wilhelm said as he pulled out a laser. “Maybe this will finally come to some sort of use.” As he reloaded it, the voice of Pickle shouted in the most annoying way possible about being reloaded. Dear gods why?

“OH MY GOD, I CAN HEAR IT FROM HERE!” Came the sudden shout of Mr. Torgue High-Five Flexington. “THAT LASER WEAPON IS EVEN MORE OF A GODDAMNED DISGRACE! TAKE IT TO THIS LOCATION SO I CAN BLOW IT THE FUCK UP!” Torgue declared as a waypoint appeared on their HUDs.

“Actually, I think I have a better plan.” Jack said, covering his ears so he doesn’t have to hear any more of the weapon’s hellish voice. “Can you lock onto its position and send your payload now?”

“YOU’RE GONNA GET BLOWN THE FUCK UP, AND I HAVE VERY FEW ISSUES WITH THIS BECAUSE IT WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME!” Torgue said before cutting out entirely.

“... Jack, mind explaining the plan before we die?” Wilhelm asked, somewhat upset.

“Hurry! The rocket will get here soon!” Fragtrap suddenly interjected. “He’s launching a rocket or ship loaded with barrels of high explosive at us! Get the gun away! WAH~!” Fragtrap wailed in panic.

“Fly faster and toss it at the Bosun!” Jack yelled as they neared the Drakensberg, getting Wilhelm to do exactly as he said for once. “Quick! Into that room!” He yelled, pointing at what looked like some kind of secure meeting room with its own bulkhead doors.

Wilhelm tossed the useless laser weapon at the very confused Bosun, who promptly began screaming in terror at the laser gun squealing at him in Pickle’s voice. With the Bosun distracted, Wilhelm then threw his friends into the room Jack had mentioned. He then whipped out the SUPER NORFLEET and blasted out the rest of the already broken wall they came through, before ducking into the room himself. “CLAPPY, CLOSE THE DOOR!”

“On it!” Fragtrap shouted back as he typed away on the console. As the doors closed, they heard Torgue come screaming back onto their Echos, miming a guitar solo for a second before he stopped and began playing an actual guitar solo. The group saw a small three person ship flying in as the door sealed shut and Torgue finished his solo. As he finished, the ship exploded, the Bosun’s pitiful screams drowned out by the massive boom as the bulkhead caved inwards slightly.

“YEAAAAH~! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT! YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AMBASSADORS OF EXPLOSIONS!” Torgue declared before signing off.

“... Holy crap. That was the most badass thing we’ve ever done.” Wilhelm said in disbelief and fell to his knees. “... Fucking sweet.” He said as the doors fell in towards them, revealing a very charred room absolutely black with soot, minus two small orange indicators coming from a pair of weapons. “You two can have those. I think I’m just gonna…have a seat for a second.”

Jack and Fragtrap looked at each other and nodded in acceptance. The only reason they weren’t overcome was likely due to being too in shock at the moment to process it. Jumping out into the now airless former control center, the two returned swiftly with two legendaries. “So, uh...I don’t really care for either of these things.” Jack admitted, holding up the Cryophobia, a Maliwan legendary launcher, sister to the Pyrophobia.

“I’m totally cool with this kickass SMG though.” Fragtrap declared as he held up the IVF, one of Tediore’s best SMGs, and they make really good SMGs.

“Cool. The fuck we do with the launcher, then?” Wilhelm asked, a bit too tired.

“Uh...well. You like launchers, and you already have 3 legendary Launchers.” Jack offered.

“I have a few too many.” Wilhelm said as he pulled out the launcher he got in Fragtrap’s mind, a glitched Vladof launcher.

“Holy database is he out of it. I’ll take it for now, my VaultHunter.exe is adapting much faster now, I might be able to use it.” Fragtrap declared, and Jack handed over the weapon to the little robot.

“Honestly, you should just keep it. I don’t think I’m gonna need another launcher.” Wilhelm said as he put it away and stood up. “God…I just feel…wrong for saying that. Whatever. I have a better prize to get. Yo, AI, you there?”

“Unf...sorry. Just...recovering. You severed me from the rest of the ship, killed that asshole, and did perhaps the most epic thing I’ve ever seen in my long years of military service. Plug into me you stud!” The AI suddenly demanded, reminding them that thanks to the Bosun, she wasn’t exactly entirely stable.

“Great. First Trixie, now a slightly rampant AI.” The android said as he clutched his head.

“Par the course at this point. We may have to take her to Angel to get her stable enough for making a robot army.” Jack grumbled as they walked towards the server room, Jack pausing and looking over at a shelf in curiosity.

“Well, I’m not going to plug ya in until I get a name. Do you have one, or am I going to have the luck of storing you in my Echo instead of my head?” He asked as he headed over to where the AI was connected to the ship in her secure chamber.

“I don’t have a name. I was just designated the Skipper since I ran the ship and that midget of a bulldog had no creativity.” The Skipper answered, fanning herself in the Echo card.

“Well, Skipper, I’m not going to plug you into my head until you have an actual name.” Wilhelm declared as he unplugged the AI from the ship. “Feel free to talk to me when you have one.” He said as he stuffed her into his Echo. He looked over at Jack and Fragtrap, both of them mewling over new toys: Jack with a Jakobs Revolver he grabbed from somewhere, probably while Wilhelm wasn’t looking, and Fragtrap with his two new legendaries. “...Starting to feel like I got the short end of the stick.”

“Oh! I have a name! I think I like…Felicity~. It means happiness, like the happiness you’ll bring me once I’m in there with you~.” The AI, now Felicity, announced to the three.

“... I take back what I said. Hey you two, you’re carrying me back while I go offline to deal with Felicity.” He said as he pulled the AI core back out and plugged it into his head.

“Sure thing jus- Wait, at least-!” Jack yelled, only to be cut off by Wilhelm’s body collapsing onto the floor.

“Not-it!” Fragtrap immediately yelled and ran off before Jack could get his bearings, cackling the entire way to the fast travel.

“Not-DAMN IT!” Jack roared, kicking his insensate friend in the anatomically correct mechanical ribs, only to recoil and clutch his hoof, having forgotten that while he looked fleshy, was still a high-tier military grade android. “OW~!”

[Concordia]

Fragtrap, Jack, and the offline Wilhelm digistructed back together on this end of the Fast-Travel. “I’m gonna go see what hardware Springs has in stock!” Fragtrap excitedly declared, wheeling off to Springs’ Emporium o’ Stuf.

“I swear, ever since Wilhelm got in his head, that little titanium shit is so much more cheeky.” Jack grumbled, grabbing Wilhelm by one of his arms. As if he wasn’t heavy enough, he still had the blue Jet Loader legs from when he was flying them to the Drakensberg, or, rather, the smoking crater formerly known as the Drakensberg. Thankfully said limbs were made of an aluminum alloy or something but they were still bulky and awkward and were still heavier than reasonable for this task. “How the hell...did you not break Trixie’s...pelvis?!”

“Well now if this isn’t amusing!” Jack froze and quickly turned to face Aurelia as she approached with Luna in tow, the two tall busty women more properly dressed in their preferred designer clothing. “What did the tin-man do to get himself in such a state? Was it malware~?”

“Indeed, We thought Wilhelm was quite the badass when We hired him.” Luna looked down at her hired mercenary in concern.

“Well ladies, he’s currently, very likely, having extremely kinky digital sex with the AI we need for the robot army.” The two royals looked at him like he grew a second head.

“You’re joking. Please tell me he’s not going to screw our plan, pun intended.” Aurelia said, somewhat disgusted with the thought.

“Well, thanks to some idiot scav, she was synchronized with the Cycle. She wasn’t exactly stable.” Jack huffed in frustration, grabbing Wilhelm’s arm to get dragging him towards the Meriff’s office again.

“Well, hopefully he doesn’t make her more unstable.” Luna adds.

“Oh hey! They’re back! Do you guys have the AI?” John asked over the Echo. “...Wait, what’s up with Wilhelm? Is he dead?”

“If he was he’d be in the New-U bro, don’t let all the blood in your head go to your dick.” Jack snarked, making both Aurelia perk up and snicker in amusement.

“Whoa, hey bro, not cool. My dick isn’t that big.” John rebutted playfully.

“Can you two please just shut up?” Angel pleads. “I’m not off the cycle yet, and I’ve found the Echonet isn’t helping anymore.”

“Angel, great timing. I need you to go into Wilhelm’s head and get him and Felicity to get back into the real world.” Jack asked of his niece, dropping Wilhelm’s arm again.

“Who is Felici-oh my various deities her tits are HUGE!” Angel gawked at whatever she was seeing.

“Yeah, that’s because her previous ‘owner’ was a bit of a pervert.” Jack huffed in annoyance.

“THEY’RE STILL AT IT!” She yells at him.

“... Yes, we-” The feed with Angel suddenly cut off as she presumably left to go join the two. “...Son of a bitch.” Jack huffed again.

“Oh god damn it. Wilhelm better hope he can’t get my little Angel pregnant through the Echonet!” John yelled as he desperately tried to snap Angel out of it, despite knowing it was impossible at this point.

“Wait, is that a thing?” Aurelia asked in bemusement.

“I don’t know, and I’m too young to be a grandpa. Wake up, sweetie!” John yelled as they could audibly hear him shaking Angel’s body.

“If they could manage that, it would be quite impressive.” Luna commented, only to sigh as Helios fired into Elpis again. “That is getting so tiring. At least this other Jack’s services stalled it an extra day.”

“Long enough to get some rest. Come along Cabana Boy~!” Aurelia crowed, making Jack yelp as the dragoness tossed him over her shoulders and started back towards the motel.

“Ladies! I’m not just some toy!” Jack whined, getting kissed by Luna as she followed them.

“Shut up and enjoy it Jack.” Luna winked, making Jack groan and pout as he was carried off to another night of passion with two overbearing alpha females.

“Just because you’re both beautiful and powerful ladies doesn’t mean I’ll just let you-AH!” Jack yelped as Aurelia tugged on his tail and groped his flank.

“Mine~....” Aurelia purred.

“Ours.” Luna corrected.

Jack could only sigh in resignation.

Author's Notes:

MEYOWDELAMOWOWEWEWEWWOOOOOOOO~!