[Shock-Drop Slaughter Pit]

The trio of Vault Hunters entered the derelict Dahl compound with caution, guns up and wary. “Looks like the console is busted.” Jack muttered at the sight of the main console’s holographic projector having been smashed, the console itself full of bullet holes and even partially melted by acid. “Someone clearly didn’t care for the system’s sass, knowing these old Dahl systems.”

“That looks like it used to be a standard TR4NU Dahl training attendant. My database says they had a rather amusing speech module.” Fragtrap commented as he moved to the oddly convenient ammo, weapon, and medical vending machines to the right of the room. “Oh good. I’ve got a lot of junk to sell.” Fragtrap opened his Echo, and suddenly jolted. “Whoa! Right! Hey Wilhelm, I still have the Thingy that giant kraggon dropped!” Fragtrap took out the green Scav Thingy. “My VaultHunter.exe program may be improving itself, but I don’t feel comfortable with rocket launchers yet.”

“Sweet. Give it here.” Wilhelm said as he held out his hand for the weapon. He looked it over a bit and messed with the scope on it, then ceremoniously fired it out into the storage area that was opposite the vendor area, watching as the projectile blew up an old forklift and melted the remains. “Love this thing.”

“Do you seriously need so many Legendary rocket launchers Wil? I mean, isn’t having the Nukem enough for you?” Jack asked in annoyance as he moved to the vending machines too, starting to go over his equipment to review what to sell and keep. Pickle can wait a few more minutes. If the scavs were going to kill him they would’ve done it already, or at least they’re waiting for drama. Scavs and bandits love drama. “Besides, you’re running out of rockets.”

“Care to correct yourself?” He said as he swapped it out for the SUPER NORFLEET.

“No, because that means you’re using even more rockets, you don’t have rockets for days Wilhelm. You’re not Alexander Anderson.” Jack deadpanned as he fed crap guns into the digistruct intake of the gun vendor, his Echo absorbing the cash pouring out of the transaction panel.

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t use a rocket launcher anyways…. Also.” Wilhelm then proceeded to pull out an absolute shit-ton of rockets from his Echo. How the fuck he had so many when the normal cap is 32? Meh. “Now, you were saying?” He said as he quickly digistructed them back into his Echo. “Seriously, did you forget? Luna did that thing for us?"

“Oh~! Right! That’s why my HUD is all funky with the reserve ammo count.” Fragtrap commented as he looked between the Dahl minigun he got from Springs and a Vladof spinigun. “Burst-fire wall of death, or Higher rate of fire overall with higher base damage? Hm….”

“Oh yeah~! That’s great. Makes killing things easier.” Jack then compared his old Vladof TMP with a Scav Frosty Over-Drive. “Can’t believe I’m even saying this, but the Scav gun is actually better.” Jack groused, tossing his old pistol into the vendor. “I mean, how the hell does a scav manage to make a Purple rarity gun? Let alone a Legendary like the Thingy?”

“Fuck if I care.” Wilhelm says as he pulls out his Striker and quickly sharpens the blade attached to it on his arm.

“Eh, whatever. Let’s go kill us some worthless scavs, save an annoying little shit, and get on with saving Elpis.” Jack stretched as the three Vault Hunters walked out of the preparation area, through the thoroughly destroyed storage area, and got on the elevator down to what had to be the facility’s training area. “Ready to kill some dumb idiots?”

“Can we get pancakes afterwards?” Wilhelm asked absolutely randomly.

“Pancake?! PANCAAAAKE!” Fragtrap suddenly screamed in a lower distorted voice in excitement, only to suddenly slump over. “No Pancake! No pancake…!”

“Whoa! Uh, Frag, you alright?” Jack asked as the elevator reached the bottom.

“Huh? I’m fine. I feel like something just happened, but everything is A-OK!” Fragtrap cheerfully declared as the three walked out into the airless box canyon filled with catwalks and buildings over a pit that had glowing electricity-arcing crystals at the bottom with plenty of cooked corpses smashed and speared on them.

“Weird ass place, am I right?” Wilhelm said as they walk over the bridge where a Lunatic poked his head out of a nearby door.

“Who dares mock my Shock-Drop Slaughter P-?!”

“I mock it.” Wilhelm said as he blasted the scav with his Striker.

“Thanks, that guy was an asshole.” Came the distorted voice of RIP, and the trio looked up to see a massive hulk of an anthro-skag wearing nothing but a vest, bandoleer, and shorts with an Oz kit who was silhouetted by Helios and Pandora just as Helios fired another of its weaker laser blasts and he howled before his Title Card appeared. RIP: He’ll rip you a new one!

“... Great. Another crazy person. When the fuck are we going to find someone who’s not batshit insane?!” Wilhelm yells, clutching his head and threatening to pull out his artificial hair.

“When we’re not on the border worlds?” Jack asked rhetorically before looking back up. “Hey! You! Uh...dog? Skag? Whatever. We need Pickle alive! Could you give him to us so we don’t have to kill you and all your idiots?”

“Ha! You’ve got some brass balls kid, I’ll give ya that! But if you think you’re hot shit, then have a workout! Boys! Stop dicking around and get your filthy asses to work!” RIP ordered as he ducked into the overseer tower, flicking switches and opening doors and hatches as the manic cheering of rabid scavs echoed out.

Wilhelm, without a single word, switched his legs out for loader legs, took a massive, rocket assisted jump, and shot the SUPER NORFLEET at the oncoming wave of scavs, absolutely annihilating them. As he landed, he changed his legs back and blew off the tip of the weapon. “Stop fucking around and just give us the kid.”

“...Well shit. Uh...this is kinda unfair to the boys. Now they’re stuck in the medivac cue for hours...hm. So. You want the brat?” RIP asked, flipping switches and a crane moved up from the pit, revealing Pickle dangling from the hook by cables and feebly wriggling high up in the air.

“Cool. Now lower him and we’ll be on our way.” Wilhelm demanded.

“Naw, I think I’ll just leave him there. Boys? Now have fun.” RIP declared, and the scavs again rushed out, only this time more warily, many of the saner ones getting behind cover and firing on the Vault Hunters, who moved to do the same.

“With the cat blender out in the open, we can’t use our explosives!” Fragtrap complained as he poked half his chassis around the corner of a crate and sprayed bullets at the oncoming lunatics.

“Who said we can’t?” Wilhelm asked, hefting his launcher back over his arm. “Seriously. We can just get John to expedite Pickle’s respawn.”

“Pickle doesn’t have an account! Stop!” Angel called out frantically. “He’s just the orphan son of a couple of dead Dahl Workers, he’s lucky he’s even still alive!”

“Damn it!” Jack snarled, pushing Wilhelm’s epic SUPER NORFLEET to the side. “Great, this just got harder. Guess it’s back to standard gunplay.” Jack huffed, aiming down the scope of his maliwan sniper rifle to headshot one of the scavs behind cover.

“Not really.” The android said as he whipped his glitch shotgun out and began capping the scavs coming their way.

“Wah!” Fragtrap yelped as a chunk of his outer chassis was indented by a heavy shot that depleted his shield. “VaultHunter.exe activated!” Fragtrap declared, all the damage to his chassis fully repaired and he waved his flappy hands about. “I cast haste on your guns! Magic bullets!” Fragtrap declared, and the groups guns sparked, the effect becoming obvious when Fragtrap emptied his entire Spinigun clip in barely a few seconds, turning the whole oncoming wave of lunatics into chunky salsa.

“Calm down, little buddy!” Wilhelm shouted as he tried to get his gun back under control. He had a sudden thought and whipped out his glitch sniper, which immediately went yellow as he quickly began mowing down scavs with the abomination. “THIS IS AWESOME!”

“Oh what the fuck! Sniper Rifles aren’t meant to be machine guns!” Jack complained as he summoned some digistruct copies. “Alright boys, have at em!”

“Who needs a hero?!” The duplicates declared as their wrist lasers began joining in on the bombardment. Soon enough, the entire wave of scavs were decorating the pit with blood, guts, and giblets as they slowly began digistructing for medivac.

“Oi! You three are right badarses!” Pickle declared cheerfully, making the three wince at his grating high-pitched voice. “You see that RIP? You’re gonna die too! Haha-*SNORT*-ha!”

“You little shit, if you don’t clap that trap I’ll drop you back into the pit!” RIP roared as he continued to work the console, summoning more of his minions.

“Not if it hurts you, you drongo!” The kid squealed with glee. “I’m helping, guys! See?”

“Please kid. Shut up. You’re bothering us, too.” Wilhelm said, cringing a bit as he missed a few scavs.

“Oh, sorry! I jus-”

“I WILL RIP OUT YOUR PICKLES AND SHOVE THEM BACK INTO YOUR MEAT HOLE IF YOU DON’T BE SILENT YOU IMPUDENT PIECE OF SKAG DUNG!” Fragtrap screamed out in a heavily distorted deep voice which, honestly, sounded almost exactly like RIP to be honest.

“Woooaaaah. Buddy. Calm down.” Wilhelm said as he stopped firing to pat the robot on the head.

“I am calm! I am the most calm- whoa! What happened? Why did everything suddenly get dark?” Fragtrap’s voice suddenly returned to normal halfway through.

“Okay...bro has some serious defragmenting to do on your software when we get a chance to rest again.” Jack commented before throwing a longbow grenade at a group of scavs, causing them to scatter, only for it to detonate into several child grenades, blowing them to pieces.

“What do I pay you meatbags for?! Kill them already!” RIP demanded as he threw open some levers, releasing the last few doors and increasing the number of scavs once again even while the Vault Hunters jumped to a more defensible position on a roof as they kept firing.

“You don’t pay us any-!” The dissenting scav was quickly melted by a burst of corrosive SMG fire from the control tower, and the rest of the scavs kept fighting for their brutal boss.

“Alright. Fuck this.” Wilhelm said as he whipped out several grenades and tossed them at the scavs, following them up with shotgun rounds to those that survived. This combined with his compatriots finished off the remaining thugs. “Alright, get your ass down here. We already know what’s going to happen, so how about you make your trip to the New-U nice and quick.”

“Well, you did kill my whole crew. You’re definitely Badass enough. Alright then, you’d better be worth the hassle.” RIP then jumped down from the tower, snarling as he took out a triple-barreled corrosive shotgun and pumped it. Title Card, RIP: Our Pun/Reference Generator!

“Soldiers. Angel said you needed me to...damn it, RIP, what are you doing?” Roland’s Echo card came across the top right of their HUDs, the griffon tom looking a little ruffled.

“Uh...fighting Badasses?” RIP asked in bemusement as Jack, Wilhelm, and Fragtrap awkwardly looked at each other and then back at the scav boss they were about to fight a moment ago.

“You started another gang didn’t you?” Roland asked with weariness in his voice.

“Um...no?” RIP replied sheepishly, making Roland sigh.

“RIP, put the gun away and help the Vault Hunters.” The trio all had to blink at Roland outright ordering the scav to help them.

“But...our vacation! I was gonna take over Elpis one scav gang at a time and show Brick who the real Big Guy of our group is!” RIP whined as he gestured around at his now empty slaughter pit.

“Vacation time was over when the Legion started firing a giant laser at Elpis.” Roland’s answer was punctuated by Helios firing another, slightly longer shot into the moon. “Or did you really think that wasn’t anything to be worried about?”

“...Damn it.” RIP snarled, putting away his shotgun and standing in a more relaxed pose, his staggering 7-foot height only mitigated by his natural slouching posture. “Fine. What is it you need? At least you’ve proven yourselves to be Badasses before Roland decided to be a stick in the mud.”

“Well, we need the kid for a moment.” Wilhelm said, putting his own guns back into his Echo. “He has info we need.”

“What could the brat know that you need?” RIP questioned as he casually grabbed the cable of the crane and started hauling Pickle up manually.

“He knows where we can find a military AI.” Jack answered. “Not the killbot here though, he doesn’t count.”

“Say that after I take out my Flakker II!” Fragtrap declared in his distorted deep voice that sounded like RIP’s as he took out said huge shotgun, it looked like a standard Flakker though the barrel seemed a bit more streamlined.

“Little buddy, you need some defragmenting and maybe a little time to yourself.” The android said, pushing the gun down. “Preferably before you end up becoming a final boss that we have to put down in the DLC.”

“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I WILL-” The bot was silenced by Wilhelm switching him off.

“How the hell did you manage that? Claptraps have no off button, part of why nobody can stand them.” RIP asked as he pulled Pickle onto the platform, slicing off the duct tape holding him to the hook with a claw.

“I hacked his systems. Why do you think I had my hand on him this whole time?” The manly android responded, looking at them like they were weird, crazy, or homophobic. “... What, did you think I was robo-sexual for him? Fuck you guys, nothing comes between a bro-bond.”

“Naw, I get it. Brick and I have a similar relationship. He gives me belly scratches and I bring him rakks.” RIP shrugged before nudging Pickle towards the group. “Well, here ya go. One fairly disgustingly whitney dill Pickle.”

“Geez mates you were right-!” Wilhelm held up a finger, interrupting Pickle before he could get going.

“Hold up. You don’t have a New-U, right kid?” Wilhelm asked, seemingly indifferent for the moment.

“Uh, no. You gotsta ‘ave dosh to buy even a cut-rate account mate. I don’t really ‘ave the capital for that out ‘ere.”

“Right, well, merry robot-hanukkah. Come with us.” The android said as he started walking back towards the nearest station.

“Are you buying him an account Wilhelm? I mean, that’s nice of you, but where is this coming from?” Jack asked as he used his magic to levitate the shutdown Fragtrap behind him, RIP following curiously.

Wilhelm said nothing as they all walked over to the machine… While in secret, he was talking to Angel on a private comm channel. The second they’re at the machine, he actually spoke.. “Alright, Angel. Let’s get this show on the road. He’s near the station.”

“Already on it. It’ll be a bit.” She responded, sounding somewhat… Unnerved. “How about you get that info you need in the meantime?”

“Yeah, hey Pickle. Springs says you’re the guy to talk to about finding a military AI?” Jack asked the little roo, who perked up visibly under his thick spacesuit, his ears practically straight up.

“Oh yeah! The Drakensberg is where you need to go! It’s an old Dahl warship, crashed even before the Crackening some say. It’ll definitely have a shipboard AI you could rip off if the Bosun and his Skipper haven't managed to do more than bargain with it.” Pickle informed the group, causing a directional indicator to pop up on their Echo maps.

“... What’s the catch?” Jack asked warily. Pickle seemed the thrifty and shifty sort.

“Well… You can’t just walk into the Drakensberg. It’s-”

“Kid, how would we if we *could* get there?” Wilhelm asked flatly and impatiently.

“Oh, well my house is-”

“Where is that?” The android pushed further.

“Well, there’s that far New-U on the opposite end of that kraggon-hole you just came thr-”

“Great. Angel, is it ready yet?” The android asked their ‘helper’.

“Yes, but please don’t-” Angel is cut off as Wilhelm unexpectedly pulled out his Striker and capped Pickle in the face before the kid could even react, splattering his head over Jack and RIP in a gloriously bloody shower of helmet, skin, blood, bone, and greymatter before it started to all digitize.

“I can finally hear myself think! Oh my god!” Wilhelm shouted as he dropped the gun, letting it digitize back into his echo.

“Wilhelm what the absolute fuck is wrong with you?! This is-! This! ARGH! Get over here!” Jack ordered, grabbing one of Wilhelm’s ears and tugging the larger stallion over to a corner away from RIP, somehow managing to do what his normally puny strength could never do.

“What? Fuck him. He has an account now.” Wilhelm huffed as he rubbed his ear. Damn Faust does good work if he can feel a residual sting from having his ear mistreated like that.

“James.” Ryan snarled, the air getting tense and quiet. “This. Isn’t you. This isn’t the guy I played games with for years and went to a convention with to somehow have our minds stuffed into these bodies with! You’ve MURDERED several people lately! Not bandits, not scavs, not self defense or even something vaguely justifiable. You have blatantly committed wholesale homicide on defenseless targets!”

“... I’ve killed three non-hostiles… wait, four. Four non-hostiles.” The android says, remembering that one drunk guy at Crisis Scar.

“Four too many. You killed them for amusement! You killed them just because you wanted to or because they just annoyed you! That’s the behavior of a goddamn serial killer, not a professional one!” Ryan hissed through grit teeth.

“Jack, calm your ass down. The only two I’d even consider amusement were those two wannabe basketball guys, and even then it wasn’t fun, let alone for it.” Wilhelm insisted.

“Then you had even less reason. The next time you even seem to be thinking of it...I’ll fucking shoot you myself.” Jack growled, walking away, leaving Wilhelm to stand alone in surprise. “Get your ass in gear Wil we have innocent people to save!”

“Ryan. Ryan. I know what you’re thinking, and I want to squash it right now. I’m not a serial killer, and I’m not becoming one. I know how far out of left field I’ve been, but I’m also kinda recovering from my brain fucking melting from the implants my body had. Or do you seriously not remember that shit? From what I’ve learned, what those bits were doing to my head could have made me much worse, or do you not remember that Wilhelm?”

“That’s no-”

“I don’t think you truly realize how close I was to that. Would you like to see the scan of my brain before the other Jack had his bots replace my entire body?!” He asked before immediately pulling up a scan of his quite obviously deteriorating brain. “That’s my brain. That’s what was happening to it because of the shoddy implants.”

“Yeah your whole frontal cortex was practically dead, you had to have a CPU installed to compensate your- Oh… Right.” Jack said, coming to a sudden realization. “That’s where your self control and ego are…”

“Uh huh. Luckily, I’m recovering a bit from that, but unfortunately, I’m also bound to ‘glitch’ morally with that. So you want to continue to lecture me on the bad behavior that I’m desperately trying to control?” Wilhelm nearly yelled, at a point that Jack would be able to tell that if he were still human, he’d likely be crying.

“Yes.” Jack declared with a leer. “If you’re still having trouble, it’s my damn job as your engineer and friend to keep you in check.” Jack firmly declared, holding out a fist. “Now c’mon. We’ve got work to do buddy.”

Wilhelm openly accepted the fistbump, then pulled Jack into a tight hug…. Only for it to be interrupted by RIP and Fragtrap clapping and causing the two to look over at them with a pair of glares. “Aaawww, this is making me miss Brick.” RIP whined with a bit of joy.

“I wanna be part of this bromance~! Wah~!” Fragtrap, who had somehow rebooted himself declared before being set back offline by Wilhelm snapping his fingers.

“Whoa, that’s magic! How’d you that again?” Jack asked as they broke the hug.

“I set a remote off switch in his CPU. Now let’s get him somewhere we can help him.” The android said, breaking off the hug so he could go pick up the shut down robot.

“That’d be Concordia, but with that laser getting back online We don’t really have much time to relax. Also, the babes are still hunting for the D.” Jack answered as they neared the damaged fast-travel station that would send them on their way, but couldn’t receive travellers.

“Fuck it. We’ll deal with it when we get there.” Wilhelm says calmly. “Besides, we already know a good spot to hide out. Now let’s go.”

“You guys go on ahead and do that. I’ve gotta get in touch with Roland and start organizing my affiliate scav gangs for any major operation if it helps save Elpis.” RIP informed them, before grunting and holding out a green Vladof spinigun that was fire element and had the red Vladof star above the pistol grip. “Ah, hold up. Here, for the trouble.”

Jack looked to check with Wilhelm, only he’d already left through the fast-travel. Shrugging, Jack approached the anthro skag and accepted the gun. “Whoa...what the hell?” It was a Unique, like the Black Snake. It was nearly a pure Vladof gun in regards to only a couple of pieces being homebrew custom bits. It even had red-flavor text stating Come on in...Ol’ Painful is waiting. “This your work?” Jack asked as he sighted the gun down the hall and was shocked when out of the barrels came red lasers instead of bullets. “Holy shit! But this isn’t a laser gun!”

“I know right? Found that laying around up here. I asked around, nobody knows who made it or where it’s from, but the fact it converts normal bullets to lasers is incredible. It’s no Legendary, but in my experience, it isn’t always the Legendary gun that’ll win the day.” RIP sagely imparted his wisdom before pulling out his Echo and dialing a call. “Yo, Brick! You would not believe the Badasses I just met….” RIP’s voice weakened as he walked back out to the pit.

“Don’t I know that for sure.” Jack quietly said to himself as he caressed the beautiful gun in his hands. “Wait til John gets an eyeful of this baby.” Jack slotted the Ferocious Ol’Painful in place of his bayoneted Jakobs rifle he’d gotten from Springs in his preferred use storage deck slot cluster. That done, he activated the fast-travel to Concordia, his vision turning into an electric-blue tunnel of 1s and 0s.

Author's Notes:

I think we're gonna be able to manage this people!

I don't know about DJ, but I am HYPED for Borderlands 3/whatever-they-name it likely to come out this year in 2019. I swear to gog, please, let the Boring Company Flamethrower be put in the game and have a red flavor text mentioning it's sentience and a safe-word.