Author's Notes:

It's been 4 years. Four. Years. I blame Duncan. *gets killed by readers*

But then again, 4 years later, both DJ and I have new computers, and Pre-Sequel isn't hemorrhaging like an epileptic hyena and kicking us out of each other's games. I'll be dragging him into docs more often, I promise!

[Triton Flats]

“You’ve gotta be joshing me! You mean to say she…?!” Springs asked incredulously with a bit of drool on her muzzle.

“Swallowed me whole? Yes.” Jack boasted with a grin. “Took me all the way down her throat. It was so fucking hot.”

“And she was also fingerin’ yer back door?” Springs asked for reiteration, and Jack sheepishly scratched his cheek as he nodded. “That’s a right sexy mare! I’d love to have a go at her.” Janey said excitedly as she imagined what a talented mare could do to her instead.

“Sorry but she said she was completely straight, so I’m afraid even if I still had her number she’d turn you down.” Jack apologized to his fast pervert friend, who sighed and fanned herself with a hand in disappointment.

“Damn, it seems most of the good ones are. This overpopulated galaxy seriously needs to consider homosexuality an overpopulation fix.” Janey complained, only to hear a loud clank inside the Stingray garage. “Hey Athena, was that the system going-.”

“AAAAAH!” Came a scream from the garage.

“That was Wilhelm’s Scream! Athena’s got him!” Jack panicked as Janey hopped across the room and literally kicked the solid foot-thick metal door down with her ridiculously powerful roo legs in a fit of fury.

“GIT OFFA HIM! TAKE ME INSTEAD!” Springs screamed angrily as she jumped into the garage, and Jack stayed safe on his crate until Wilhelm suddenly dashed into the entryway and grabbed his arm on the way out, dragging him out into the vacuum.

“Ow! Fuck! Dude your grip! You’re hurting-!”

“SHUT UP AND GET IN THE DAMN ZOOMIE!” Wilhelm said, shoving Jack into the turret seat of the Moon Buggy before jumping into the driver’s seat, jamming on the accelerator and hitting the boost.

“GET BACK HERE!” A familiar angry female voice shrieked over the short-range Echo, and Jack gave out a girly scream at the sight of Athena flying after them, even in low gravity, and with Springs clinging to her legs.

“MUST. DRIVE. FASTER!” Wilhelm screamed as he looked around at the controls in front of him, desperately trying to find a way to move faster. Sadly, he couldn’t find anything. “JACK! START FIRING! THIS THING DOESN’T GO FASTER!”

“But she’s our ally! And Springs-!”

“I WILL RIP YOUR DICKS OFF AND MAKE THEM MY NEW DILDOS!” Athena screeched madly as she ignored the bottom-heavy roo climbing up her legs with grit teeth.

“SET THE DAMN THING TO STUN, DAMN IT!” Wilhelm commanded.

“AH’VE GOT THE HEN!” Janey called out over Echo, and she grabbed Athena’s wings, sending them plummeting into a conveniently placed air bubble console that activated on impact while the two stallions continued their escape. “GIT TO THE CANYON!”

“SPRINGS~! FUCK ME~!” Athena suddenly changed tone, and Jack quickly muted the short-range Echo with a relieved sigh.

“And that is why we never went to Persephone or Zeus.” Jack joked, referencing the homeworlds of the feline and griffin races respectfully.

“I DON’T WANT NONE OF THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW JACK!” Wilhelm yelled as he took them speeding towards a huge jump that looked like it was just a bit too big for the buggy to clear. “NONE OF THAT!”

“Uh...Wil? Isn’t that the jump we need the-.”

“Stop right now!” Angel demanded over Echo, causing Wilhelm to slam on the brakes and stop just before the ramp. “If you try to jump with that buggy, you’ll just be melted in lava, and waste time and money.”

“NONE OF THAT SHIT!” Wilhelm yelled, hitting the boost again.

“DAMN IT WILHELM~!” Jack screamed in a cracking high-pitched voice, and they clearly weren’t going to make it, so he climbed out of his seat, and jumped, looking down to see Wilhelm had the same idea, and they both rolled when they hit the ramp on the other side. “I know cats and grifs are scary buck, but damn it!”

“Fuck you! Also, how the hell are you even talking to us Angel? Aren’t you in estrus?” Wilhelm asked grumpily as he dusted himself off and led Jack towards another Zoomie console.

“Yes, of course. I’m currently strapped into a chair and have my mind plugged into the Echonet via neural implant. So while my body might be hopelessly flooded with hormones, I can think rationally while I’m detached from it.” Angel reported and sighed. “But sorry if I seem distracted, even like this I’m horny as anything, so I’m going to be looking at a lot of porn.”

“Ew, niece, TMI.” Jack grimaced as they approached the console and Wilhelm interacted with it. “So...did Athena at least manage to activate the Stingray data before you jumped into the garage like an idiot and almost got jumped?”

“Yeah, I saw. AND SCREW YOU! I DID GET JUMPED!” Wilhelm yelled. “She just didn’t get that far. I’m lucky for that.”

“Don’t you have convenient digistructed genitals now though Wilhelm? I contacted Trixie, and she wouldn’t stop boasting about your new body.” Angel asked, getting Wilhelm to pause, and Jack to snigger.

“Heh, she wouldn’t have been able to get ANY then.” Jack said. “But she might’ve mauled you for that victory.”

“.... There’s a button on me. Called the other Jack earlier this morning. Asked why it was there.” Wilhelm explained. “Apparently it’s for my lover’s ‘convenience’. In other words, It’s a one hit button, and boom. There’s my dick.”

“I bet it’s the dock, isn’t it.” Jack guessed as he flicked his tail for reference. “I know I get hard when a mare tugs on me.”

“Fun bit is, it’s not even an actual button. It’s triggered by certain motions from whoever’s near me.” Wilhelm said. “... So yeah. Pretty much. It’s a little more elaborate than that, what with me apparently having pheromone sensors now that I can’t freaking use myself, but yeh. Man that would have been helpful if I could have used it myself.”

“Wait, you can’t masturbate anymore?” Jack asked with clear shock, and Wilhelm paused where he was on the menu to look at Jack with a raised eyebrow.

“Who said I couldn’t?” Wilhelm said. “Dude. I can summon it whenever I want. There’s just a way for the mares to activate it. Anyways, don’t we have a mission to do?”

“Oh dear goddesses, please stop talking like that.” Angel moaned. “The LAST thing a mare or any girl in heat needs to hear is two guys talking about their dicks...anyway, summon a couple of Stingrays, my information tells me that normal zoomies can’t handle the terrain between there and the Outlands, and the Canyon itself is a fractured mess, but Stingrays can practically fly in low gravity, so that’s not an issue.”

“Oh yeah, Atlas and Dahl co-opted the Stingray design right? I heard Atlas used them a lot on Pandora.” Jack commented as Wilhelm summoned a green and gold Stingray with a cryo missile launcher. “Green again Wil?”

“What? Have a problem with the best color ever?” Wilhelm questioned.

“You only like green because there’s almost no trees left in the galaxy.” Jack rolled his eyes as he touched the Stingray, and an exact duplicate spawned next to it.

“No… I just like green.” Wilhelm said. “Speaking of that, wasn’t there one of those customization things back in Concordia? Should have used that before leaving… OH WAIT!” Wilhelm flipped a part of his left forearm open and pressed a few buttons in the hidden panel. He flashed for a second before his clothes started digistructing themselves and replacing themselves with a mint-green variant, and also giving Wilhelm some sunglasses and a darker green beret cap. “There we go. Perfect.”

“Cool, hope you let me look at that later, I’d like to see if I could make portable customization a reality...maybe get rich off of it….” Jack mused as he climbed onto his Stingray.

“Actually little bro, you could do that. With my backing, getting a patent would be child’s play, unless Other Me decides to extend his business here.” John butted in over Echo. “Now hurry and get out there, I have to reinforce the locks on the Meriff’s office, Mustard’s beating down the door of the broom closet I shoved her into.”

“I’ll get you Johnny~!” Mustard’s muffled voice called out sickly-sweet, sending shudders down both of the stallion’s spines. Heated mares were always scary. And even though Mustard is under house arrest until things are resolved, the mare was BIG, both in girth, and in overall size, so imagining the earth pony mare beating down a door like Springs just did earlier wasn’t out of the question.

“Great. Sounds like your bro is going to get involuntarily laid.” Wilhelm teased. “Also sounds like what happened to you. Seriously, though. Sounds like he’s gonna have a fun time tonight.”

“He won’t, because if Mustard manages to break out, she’ll be able to get to me, wake me up...it won’t be pretty….” Angel whimpered. “... Also, why do you keep saying ‘sounds like’?”

“Sounds like augmented processor is glitched. Sounds like I need some help.” Wilhelm says, banging his head a couple times. “Sounds like I really need some help.”

“Okay...good luck, I guess.” Jack muttered as he hit his android friend before the two both took off down the broken highway through the gate.

[Outlands Canyon]

“Whoa...Angel wasn’t kidding, that back there was almost nothing but giant gaps and lava.” Jack commented as they passed through another gate at the end of the fractured highway that was completely destroyed in the Crackening.

“Tell me about it, I haven’t seen terrain since back when I went hiking and biking up around that one park.” Wilhelm said. “Jeeze. I still remember how I fucked up my ankle for that one project just to film it. Had to hike up the damn hills in the back of the park. Sucked ass… Dear god, that was high school! I hated high school!”

“Guys! Wait-up~!” Fragtrap’s voice rang out over Echo, and the two parked stallions looked behind to see Fragtrap close in with his Stingray all wobbly due to being unused to operating a vehicle. “Whew! You two took off before I could even get on the highway.”

“Frag? What’re ya doin’ here little buddy?” Wilhelm asked curiously, nobody even mentioned Fragtrap for a while, so the little robot slipped his mind. “Something wrong?”

“Oh, I’m fine! It’s not like I got left behind and had to roll all the way out here ON MY OWN!” Fragtrap yelled, his voice distorting darkly. “SERIOUSLY! Why did you guys just leave me behind?! NOT COOL!”

“Whoa, hay, run your coolant a bit Frag. Things were getting crazy with the Cycle kicking in without us remembering it was just around the corner. We had to get the hell out of dodge before we both ended up sires to like, ten mares or something.” Jack explained, only for Frag to growl and slap his Stingray’s handlebars.

“And what do you think happened?! Companion Claptraps are a similar model to me!” Frag roared, making Wilhelm’s simulated face practically glow red.

“Oh shit...uh...sorry little buddy.” Wilhelm apologized earnestly, making Frag huff as he crossed his little robot arms.

“What?” Jack asked in confusion, making Wilhelm pretend to clear a cough.

“Companion Claptraps have special...interfaces for certain...things….” Wilhelm’s ears tilted back at the thought, but his tail flicked instinctively.

“What?! EW-HEW-HEW-HEW~! Who would WANT to...INTERFACE, with a Claptrap?!” Jack demanded, making Fragtrap growl.

“A LOT of VERY desperate mares, cats, dogs, griffins, and other robots for your information! I had to beat them off with the butt of my Flakker II!”

“Oi! You three whose signals just came into range! Help!” A young boy’s squeaky voice screamed over the Echo with an ear-hurting crack to it, the ECHO card showing a helmet-wearing young roo boy.

“Oh god damn it. The fuck is that noise?!” Wilhelm yells, instinctively slapping his hands up to the sides of his head to cover his ears…. And also turn off his audio receptors. “Ah… Much better.”

“Sounds like a cat in a blender!” Fragtrap complained.

“Who are you kid?” Jack questioned as he rubbed his ears.

“I’m Pickle! I’m a little kid about to be killed by Scavs for no reason! I’m being held at the abandoned Dahl training grounds and-!” Pickle yelped as the Echo card was overtaken by the face of a Pandoran Skag of all things.

“Got ya you little brat!” It declared in the same deep distorted voice of RIP, the one who blew up Deadlift’s ship. “Who were you talking to?” The line cut out, likely RIP turned off whatever console Pickle was using.

“Of course.” Angel sighed. “I have the location, you’d better hurry if Pickle is going to be alive to help us.”

“Oh that’s just great.” Jack muttered, slapping Wilhelm’s shoulder and pointing at his own ear. “Turn your ears back on damn it. I get his voice is annoying but that’s not enough to deafen yourself.”

“What?!” He yells back at Jack. “I turned off my audio receptors! I can’t hear shit!”

“Ugh, we don’t have time for this!” Jack snarled, instead driving his Stingray further into the canyon, jumping across gaps.

“Oh, come on, Jack!” Wilhelm shouted as he quickly turned on his receptors and chased after the stallion.

“Vault Hunters!” Came Hellhound’s voice over the Echo as his image card appeared in their displays. “My offer of mercy on Concordia is extended to you as well. If you leave with them, we won’t pursue. This is my final warning. Leave Elpis. Or die.” Hellhound’s words were punctuated by the Eye of Helios priming up, and managing to fire a weak blast, but only a portion of the length of the proper firing action. It seemed that the Lost Legion were getting it back online, but it wasn’t anywhere near at full capacity.

“Well shit...that was still 10 million bucks well spent. Hurry up little bro, Elpis is on borrowed time.” John reminded them. “Oh! Right. I still have a present for you two. You should pick them up when you get to a New-U station.”

“Sure thing Johnny boy!” Fragtrap agreed as the trio continued to navigate the perilous fractured landscape of the eastern edge of the outlands canyon.

“Don’t look down. Don’t look down. You’ve been at this for hours already. You’re over it for now.” Jack muttered to himself as he jumped his stingray up onto a ledge, and yelped as he had to duck from scav fire, moving his stingray closer to the Dahl buildings that were atop the cliff for cover.

This was opposed to Wilhelm, who just yelled, “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” At the top of his lungs as he made the jump.

“Banzai~!” Cheered Fragtrap as he followed their lead.

“Damn this is a lot of scavs. This place must be-yow!” Jack huffed as a huge volleyball bounced off of his head and got stuck in the forward intake vent, somehow not popping, and instead overheating and forcibly shutting down the main engine of his Stingray. “The absolute fuck?! No wonder these things were considered toys!”

“WEEEEEEEEE!” Wilhelm continued to yell as his stingray crashed near Jack, the large android stallion coming to a nice landing next to him as his former ride explodes.

“You’ve been doing that for hours! It isn’t that fun!” Jack complained as Fragtrap missed the last jump, yelping as he bailed out of his Stingray, tumbling and getting stuck on his back again near the two unicorns, all with them still getting shot at by scavs who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

“Fuck you, it’s great. Especially when that shit happens.” Wilhelm says as he walks over, and kicks Fragtrap back upright. “There ya go, little buddy.” He blindly points back and shoots the scavs on the roof with his shotgun. “Should be fine now.”

“Well, we’re on the right path at least.” Jack grumbled, getting off his former ride and yanking the incredibly durable volleyball off the front intake, squinting at a name written in marker on it. “Who the hell is Dunks Watson?”

“Oh god no.” His android companion says, facepalming.

“Dunks Watson?! He’s the greatest B-Ball player in the galaxy! He once did a quintuple front-flip dunk that broke the hoop!” Fragtrap gushed, looking excited as he jumped around. “Oh man! I can’t wait to get an autograph!” With that, the little bot wheeled off as fast as he could towards where the ball came from, over the small mountain.

“IT’S NOT WORTH IT, LITTLE BUDDY!” Wilhelm yelled as he chased after the delusional bot.

“Wait! Aren’t there scavs still shooting at us?” Jack asked conversationally, firing the Black Snake off to their right side at the scrap hoarders as he followed them past a few Dahl toilets, around a small lake of methane which smelled just as bad as the toilets did, and jumped down a cliff to end up in an oxygen bubble with his companions, blinking as he realized he’d carried the volleyball in his other arm the whole way. “The hell did I bring this f-?”

“My basketball! Yo dude, give it here!” The overly tall 8-foot, emaciated, pristine white unicorn held out his hands, accepting the ball that Jack bewilderedly returned to the 3D-glasses wearing freak in clothes far too baggy for him.

Wilhelm looks to the unicorn and back at the ball. “... That’s a volleyball.”

“Alright dawgs! Time to slam and jam!” Dunks declared as he bounced the ball between his hands, moving to a running distance from the jump pad facing the one-hoop basketball court.

“BUT THAT’S A VOLLEYBALL, YOU MORON!” Wilhelm yelled, upset at this idiot as the reporter’s surveyor drone took rapid pictures for some reason.

“Dunks is lining up. Let’s see if he can get the height he needs to perform what scientists have dubbed: ‘The Ultimate Slam Dunk’.” Announced the kangaroo reporter in a khaki vest.

“Let’s do this!” As Dunks took his fist steps towards the jump pad, Wilhelm pulled out a shock pistol he ripped off a random scav, and shot the pad, overcharging it. Nobody seemed to notice it, and the second Dunks stepped on it, he went flying into the atmosphere. “BASKETBAAAA-!” Wilhelm tossed the pistol at the ground, and quickly pulled out his glitching sniper rifle. As he fired, the rifle turned red, and a LOUD bang resonates from the weapon.

The sportscaster looked on in horror as he unintentionally records Dunks’ head exploding in red viscera, his dead body floating off into space as the ball careens back towards the ground. Wilhelm just stares on as he turns his cameras to the android. “What? It was a mercy shot. He was gonna die anyways.”

“Eh, he was a moron, got what he deserved.” Jack shrugged without any care for this nonsense.

“Noooooo~! Dunks~!” Fragtrap wailed, sobbing at the death of the oddly beloved sports idiot.

“Oh...well then. Ahem. Dunks Watson jumped SO high, he broke Elpis’ gravitational pull! A truly momentous day for b-ball anyway you put it.” The reporter announced before his surveyor clicked off. “Okay, I need a shot of someone making an epic slam dunk or I’m not getting paid.”

“How in the fuck…HOW DID IT SURVIVE?!” Wilhelm, enraged, shot the ball, only for the bullet to bounce off and hit a random scav who had come to watch. “HOW IN THE FUCK?!” Wilhelm roared, running at the ball and kicking it, sending it flying off into the canyons far below where it could be some thresher or tork’s problem. “I’ll be your athlete, but I don’t need no damn volleyball!” Wilhelm declared, backing up for a running start at the jump pad.

“Alright, recording again in three...two….” The reporter mouthed One and the surveyor’s lights turned back on. “With Dunks gone, we’re gonna need a new athlete to show the world their stuff! You won’t even need a ball, just jump into the air and SLAM down on that hoop to complete the most slam-jammingest b-ball dunk!”

“Doesn’t that defeat the-.” Jack got a rock to the head for his attempted comment.

“There’s no fucking ball Jack! I’d rather use my own butt!” The ultra-violent android declared, getting ready.

“If you could do it whilst engulfed in flames, that would be even MORE slam-jammingest!” The reporter called out, making Jack smirk as he dug into his echo, pulling out a weak scav shotgun with fire element. “I only wanna see ONE b-ball player on the court at a time. The glory of this slam-jam cannot be split amongst the team!” The announcer declared, making Jack frown and Wilhelm chuckle.

“Whatever. I got this.” He says as Wilhelm whips his shotgun back out and shoots the barrel. The android ignites just as he steps onto the pad, sending him high up into the air. In the next moment, he comes down on the hoop in a buttslam, making it explode. “And that’s how you do it!”

“Wilhelm has SLAMMED and JAMMED the hoop! The repercussions of this moment will be felt for eons to come!” The announcer declared excitedly as Wilhelm approached. “Wilhelm! That was simply the most b-ball-tastic thing I’ve ever SEEN! What is your secret?” The reporter asked as he held his microphone out to the android who was actually giddily happy.

“Well, it was a team effort.” Wilhelm says. “I gotta thank you. I gotta give it up to Dunks Watson. And you know I have to give huge thanks to my deity, the Almighty Robot Policeman. All praise the prime directives.”

“Wise words from the most ballingest athlete to ever hit the court!” The reporter held out his hand for a handshake, which Wilhelm took…and then abused by overcharging his hand via his magic core and electrocuting him, simultaneously taking out the camera as electricity arced off the roo before he exploded violently in a rain of viscera.

“Welp. That takes care of that.” Wilhelm said as he brushed his hands off. “Now, what were we doing again?”

“Before you actively murdered two people on a live feed, you were going to go save Pickle.” Angel huffed in irritation. “Don’t worry, I intercepted the feed before you shot Dunks.”

“Shit. Tell me you have a recording of all of that, though.” The android said, really wanting to watch it later. “That shit was hilarious.”

“Yes, but would you just get to the New-U outside of the abandoned Dahl training center just east of you? Dad has something he wanted me to send you.”

“Wilhelm. Do I have to act as your murderblocker?” Jack grumbled while they all walked from the court towards the entrance of the defunct training center.

“Don’t hate on a droid if he’s got a murder-boner on for a couple of useless fuckwits!” Fragtrap suddenly defended, his voice deeper and distorted again.

“Thanks, little buddy.” Wilhelm said as he fistbumped the modified CL4P-TP.

“Whatever you two. You’re almost as bad as Nisha and Aurelia, they both get off on violence and killing. Good fap material though. I’m digitizing dad’s present over to you now that you’ve found a local New-U.” Angel reported as the New-U in front of the compound lit up, delivering another small crate for them.

“Hey~! You’ve, uh, got it! That’ll-down girl! Keep you breathing-holy moley!” John patched in, lipstick marks all over his Echo card before he cut back out, the sounds of Nisha’s giggles cluing into his fate.

“Oh, GREAT! Now I might have a younger sibling on the way.” Angel groused before signing out with an irritated huff.

The three males just sighed in resignation of the fact they live in a universe where the majority of women go absolutely sex-crazy for a couple weeks a year before Wilhelm ripped the crate open. “MINE!” Wilhelm declared as he pulled one of the triangular objects out of the otherwise empty container. “The 3DD1.E is mine!” He immediately put it on and got a little hello in his head from the AI inside of it.

“Legendary Oz kits?! Sweet!” Jack cheered, picking up the Support Relay for himself. It was a great Oz Kit, but it wouldn’t be spectacular without other Support Relays nearby. “Ah, sorry Fragtrap, looks like my brother only sent you a Meteoric Freedom Oz Kit.” Jack apologized, but in all honesty it had a much higher air capacity than the ones they got from Springs.

Fragtrap wept with joy as he equipped his new Oz kit. “John sent me a gift? *sniff* I feel so loved! Almost like I-Personality Detected! Deleting!-And I’m suddenly empty again! So empty~! Wah~!”