Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 147: Chapter 146: Off To School
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“Huh. It’s for you,” Moonlight informed curiously, eyeing the handful of letters in her hand.
“Me?” Thomas asked. He’d only just gotten his loincloth on. Tonight was a shared night off, and Thomas was at a loss of things to do to pass the time. They’d already gone through their morning routines, including Moonlight refreshing the wards protecting his sensitive skin from minor hazards. Just staying put and writing seemed relaxing. That had always been his go-to back on earth whenever he had a day off, but he wondered if Moonlight wanted to do something else. He didn’t exactly want to go out and, likewise, couldn’t bring himself to ask Moonlight for what he knew was the selfish fear that going out would, in fact, be what she wanted.
“From the Canterlot Royal Science Academy,” she said as the envelope was handed over. “You were expecting this, right?”
“I guess so.” Thomas examined the letter for a moment. It was made of some pretty fancy-looking paper, probably expensive too. The lettering was a fancy cursive that was borderline illegible, but he could still make out his own name. “Fancy name,” he commented curiously.
“It’s one of the top three universities in the city, second only to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.”
“Huh,” replied Thomas noncommittally. He’d started to tear the top of the letter open with his finger, only for it to give a magical jingle and open on its own. He blinked, but decided not to let on how this stuff still caught him off guard sometimes. “Apparently, Luna trusts this place. What’s it like?”
“CRSA is more of a specialist school,” explained Moonlight as Thomas started reading. “CSGU is more of a one-stop shopping for unicorns. They apply in elementary and stay until they get a degree. CRSA is more of a traditional academy, taking in older ponies who already have their cutie marks and gives them a controlled environment to do their research. It’s also easier for non-unicorns to get in.”
“And the third?” Thomas asked distractedly.
“The Canterlot Military Academy,” she informed with a smirk. “I trust I don’t need to explain that one.” She waited a moment to hear his reply, but he was too focused on the letter. His brow had scrunched in a way she didn’t care for, like he wasn’t terribly pleased by what he was reading. “Thomas?”
“There’s a lot of thee’s and thou’s in this, even more than Luna used to use. A lot of flowery self-aggrandizement, too, if that’s the word. There’s this one sentence that goes on for, like, four lines about how great this school is.”
Moonlight pursed her lips and nodded. “Probably a language professor. My sire said those old farts like to go out of their way to make it hard for others to understand them, so they sound smart.” She gave a soft chuckle at the memory, but Thomas remained unamused. “Is there anything that isn’t deliberately difficult?”
Thomas nodded and offered up the letter, pointing at one line in particular. “If I’m reading that right, it sounds like I’m being invited for some sort of research.”
Moonlight leaned in and started reading.
“This isn’t the sort of thing where they, like, take samples and stuff, right?” he asked nervously, recalling how he’d been treated upon first arriving in Equestria. He’d been sealed behind a magical shield in the castle’s medical ward for about three days. Doctors in lab coats questioned him while examining his latest stool samples. At the very least, the actual poking and prodding were kept to a minimum. Thankfully, Luna had been a frequent visitor, helping to keep him grounded with her more lighthearted conversation.
“I sincerely doubt it,” said Moonlight, not sounding terribly confident of her claim. “Best I can translate, they just want to make some ‘passive observations,’” she said like she was making air quotes. “You said that Luna wanted you to get a more thorough checkup, so they’re likely doing this at either her request or allowance. I doubt they’d have the nerve to do anything that might harm a royal concubine, especially not with me there.”
“So… you think I should go?”
“That’s up to you. They sent the letter directly to you instead of through Luna, so this isn’t mandatory. No pony can force you. I’m just letting you know that if you did decide to go, it wouldn’t be alone,” she assured.
Thomas smiled and nodded gratefully.
“We should probably give this to Luna. See what she says before doing anything, just in case.”
**********
At long last, the night of the exam had arrived. The other concubines had wanted to come along for support, but Thomas insisted that he didn’t want to be a bother, so they stayed behind with Luna. The Canterlot Royal Science Academy, or CRSA for short, was quite the sight to behold. The central facility looked like someone had attempted to recreate the Castle of Versailles, complete with extensive gardens that put even Canterlot Castle to shame with their opulence. The surrounding buildings of the campus looked equally decadent, with tall spires, stained glass windows, and a fair number of domes. Construction became more conservative and practical the further one went from the central campus.
“Of all the times I looked out over the city, how have I never noticed this place?” Thomas asked.
“Canterlot Castle and most of the city were built along the mountain’s western face,” Jet Black informed. She was dressed in her full night guard armor, looking as imposing as ever, despite her relatively short height. “CRSA was built on the northern face.”
“It gives a brief history in the brochure,” added Moonlight. She wore only her gauntlets and a few plates along her joints. While she was off duty, she still preferred to let everypony know that she was not one to be trifled with, especially after the briefing Luna had given. “Most of the central buildings were once mansions before being donated to the school.”
“When were we supposed to meet these guys again?”
Even with all her earlier reassurances, Luna had still sent a covert group of guards to sweep the campus for anything and anypony that could conceivably pose a threat the day before.
Moonlight looked up to a large clock tower. “Not for another few hours. Plenty of time to explore the campus.”
After checking the map for some of the more popular sightseeing destinations, Thomas nodded and led the way with Moonlight to his right and Jet trailing close behind.
Once one got over the sheer amount of wealth being shoved in your face, CRSA was pretty typical as far as universities went. Even at night, the paths were thick with the traffic of students, faculty, and visitors going to and fro. Those who actually belonged here could easily be distinguished by backpacks, book bags, or just carrying an armful of binders and paperwork while having their noses buried in books. It was all somewhat refreshing for the human to find himself in a facility of learning once more.
One big difference between this university and those from the human world, however, was the abundance of speakers out in the open. Be it a gazebo, a recently constructed stage, or just out in the grass, ponies of every age, sex, and tribe could be found making their voices heard. Most were just giving what sounded like standard lectures without pushing any sort of obvious agenda. Those trying to advocate for something were mostly embroiled in heated debates while crowds of varying sizes watched.
“Nice to see ponies don’t have free speech zones,” he commented optimistically.
“We don’t?” asked Moonlight. She turned to look over at one area where a pegasus was talking about the necessity for his tribe to return to more traditional values while a unicorn was arguing with him about the dangers of an overly militarized state. She then looked back at Thomas. “How so?”
“Free speech zone is just a nice-sounding way to actually silence speech. So they make these designated zones that are supposed to be for protected speech where the campus can’t interfere to stop things, but they’re always set up way on the outskirts where no one can actually hear what’s being said.”
Moonlight furrowed her brow. “Sounds dangerously authoritarian.”
Jet agreed, though she kept that to herself.
“You have no idea,” Thomas remarked dryly.
“We have zones for speakers to say what they like, but they have to be reserved in advance and come with a small fee,” Moonlight explained. “The best ones, like the gazebo, which gives shade, cost a bit more, but most of the grass areas are fully open to anypony with the time.”
“Neat,” Thomas offered as he looked down at the map.
Most of the buildings were labeled with standard pony names, presumably those who had donated the money to build the buildings in the first place, which also came with subheadings detailing their functions. There was Jade Crest’s Institute for Chemical Research and Page Turner’s House of Historic Preservation.
A quick gust of wind nearly blew the map right out of Thomas’ hands, followed by a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye and an “oof” sound. He looked over at the source of the disturbance and saw Jet holding her hand out while standing in front of a mare stumbling backward.
“Hey! What gives?” complained the mare. She was a unicorn with maroon fur and a three-toned blue mane tied in a bun. She had black glasses and wore a jacket colored the same shade of blue as her eyes. The jacket was mostly open, with the zipper only pulled up by an inch or so, leaving her cleavage largely exposed. It came down to just past her naval, leaving everything below the belt completely bare, including the blue star surrounded by wavy green lines on her flanks.
Thomas blinked, not yet recognizing this new mare as he studied her.
“Apologies, ma’am, but you really should watch where you’re going,” Jet informed curtly. “You were about to run over somepony.”
The maroon mare pushed her glasses up and frowned down at the bat mare. If she’d noticed the guard armor, she didn’t appear phased. Instead, she was more focused on the short male standing just behind the irate guard. “A simple warning would have done fine. You don’t need to go shoving ponies around.”
Jet blinked, not expecting to be spoken back to like this. She didn’t like it. She’d have liked to take a few minutes to teach this uppity student some respect, but decided it wasn’t her job to cause a scene. “Just keep your eyes where you’re going.”
“Hold on a sec,” Moonlight interjected, stepping forward. Her eyes squinted studiously upon this new mare, much to Jet’s irritation. “Soothing Star?”
The maroon unicorn looked up and met the guard’s gaze before her eyes widened in recognition. “Moonlight? Moonlight Shield?”
Before Thomas knew it, Moonlight had abandoned her self-imposed post by his side and ran up to Soothing Star, scooping the petite unicorn up in a fierce embrace.
“Oh, Star! It’s been so long!” Moonlight cheered. Soothing Star, however, was too busy trying to extract herself from the soldier’s bone-crushing arms to return the friendly gesture.
“Star?” Thomas wondered out loud. He shot a questioning glance at Jet, but the bat mare merely shrugged. She was as much in the dark as him. Then, turning back to the one-sided hug, Thomas said to no one in particular, “This should be an interesting story.”
“You’re… crushing… me,” Star squeaked through strained breaths. Her hooves kicked feebly just above the ground.
“Oh!” Moonlight quickly released her grip and let Star drop back to her hooves. “Sorry.”
Star bent forward and pressed a hand to her sternum, trying to recover her breath. “You haven’t changed,” she said with a half-smile.
Moonlight smiled right back. “What’s it been? How long since we last spoke?”
Star, having finally recovered enough, straightened up. “Too long. Oh, but look at you,” she said, gesturing at Moonlight. “You finally made guard. I knew you had it in you.”
Moonlight beamed and gave a small pose for her friend’s adoration. “Naturally,” she bragged. “And what about you? Finally figure out what your cutie mark means?”
Star shrugged. “More or less.” She leaned to the side to peer over Moonlight’s shoulders. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to—”
“Right! Sorry,” Moonlight cut in excitedly and gestured to her companions. “Soothing Star, this is my fellow guard, Jet Black.”
“Charmed,” she said with a polite nod. “Sorry for shoving you.”
“No worries. I probably had it coming,” replied Star with a soft laugh.
“And this is Thomas, Equestria’s one and only human, and my herd stallion.”
“Hey there,” Thomas greeted politely. He was curious to see how this mare would respond as he offered his hand to shake.
Star’s eyes widened. “Human? As in… Princess Luna’s concubine?”
“Senior concubine,” both Moonlight and Thomas corrected together.
Star’s entire body seemed to vibrate with excitement as she beamed at Thomas. “Oh, wow! I am such a big fan!” she declared, sprinting forward and giving the human’s hand a fierce shake. “You must be the luckiest creature alive to serve the Princess of the Night so… intimately,” she said breathily. “I can’t tell you how honored I am to finally meet you in pony.”
Thomas just smiled back, glad that the mare’s grip wasn’t too strong as she continued to shake. “Well, my dad always told me if you get a job you love, you’ll never have to work another day in your life.”
Star squeed happily. “You have to tell me what she’s like,” she demanded. “What’s her favorite food? Is our accounting of the constellations up to par? How’s she getting along with acclimating to the modern era?”
Thomas chuckled nervously and indicated the arm that was still flopping around like a wet noodle.
“Oh, my gosh, sorry!” Star gasped and released her stranglehold.
“Hey, no problem,” Thomas said. He flexed his sore hand as Moonlight came over to check his wrist for herself. “Didn’t know I had fans.” While surprising, this revelation was far more refreshing than that of the poachers.
“Didn’t know?” Star asked in disbelief. “How could you not? Luna worshipers the nation over haven’t stopped talking about you since your mysterious appearance in the castle last year. I know this one professor trying to make a best seller just by compiling all the speculations and fan theories together into one tome.”
Thomas blinked, taken aback. This was certainly news to him. He looked between Moonlight and Jet for clarification.
Moonlight shrugged. “Sorry, but that’s news to me.”
“She specified in the Luna worshipping community,” Jet pointed out. “Such worship is still uncommon in Canterlot, so it makes sense you two would be out of the loop, so to speak.”
“But you’re not?” Moonlight asked, already knowing the answer.
Jet gave a soft, self-assured smile. “There has been varying degrees of curiosity about Sir Thomas all across Equestria for some time. It has mostly waned in the absence of new information, staying strong primarily in the academic and religious communities. The former for the intrigue posed by a new species and culture, and the latter out of curiosity and even a bit of reverence for the one popularly credited for helping pull Princess Luna out of her shell.”
Thomas frowned, deciding not to comment on the more unsavory side of things he’d only just learned about. Instead, he glanced back to check with Moonlight before staring at Star, who looked to still be set on vibrate. “And why not Moonlight?” he asked, pointing at her. “She’s a concubine, too.”
“You are!?” exclaimed Star in disbelief.
Moonlight snorted her amusement. “You don’t have to sound that surprised.”
“Sorry,” chuckled Star. “But, well… You always had your mind set on the military. I just never imagined you as a prostitute, least of all a concubine.”
“Fair enough, but I actually ended up doing both. I’m the personal guard for Luna’s favorite human”—Moonlight nodded in his direction—“and I also offer up my body to ease her marely needs,” she finished with an impish grin.
“Sorry to interrupt”—Thomas began—“but we aren’t keeping you from anything, are we?” He immediately regretted his words, fearful that they might be taken as a desire to end the conversation.
“No, but thanks for asking,” offered Star. “I’m actually free for the next few hours.”
Thomas mentally sighed in relief.
“Free enough to catch up with an old friend over some tea?” inquired Moonlight.
Star perked up at the offer, but quickly turned to check with Thomas.
“I’ve got no complaints. We were just gonna waste time until our appointment, anyway.” It just felt like the right thing to do to give Moonlight a chance to catch up with an old friend.
“Where my ward goes, I go,” added Jet flatly.
**********
The tea house was a quaint place next to the campus’ main library, a blessing to students intending on last-minute study crunches. The ponies and man gave their orders and sat down at one of the tables outside, except for Jet, who stood.
“I think I’m obligated to ask how you two met,” Thomas began.
“Well, the two of us were military brats,” answered Star with a fond sigh as she stared down at her drink. “My family was in Canterlot on my dad’s rotation. So the two of us were in the same school for a while, but never really spoke to each other.”
“Different classes,” Moonlight clarified.
“But then we went to summer camp.”
“I’m pretty sure we were first assigned together on the archery range.”
“I remember,” Star laughed. “We were assigned as partners, even though neither of us could hit a target to save our lives!”
“Not even the one painted up to look like Mr. Straight Shot’s plot!”
The mares shared a laugh at the memory, and Thomas smiled. He suddenly found himself stricken with a desire to learn more about his mare’s past. “What was Moonlight like back then?”
“If you ignored archery or anything ranged, she was easily in the top five in just about all other physical events.”
“Give you three guesses who was top in academic events,” added Moonlight before taking a sip.
“I kept letting you talk me into all those crazy pranks, so I couldn’t have been that smart.”
“Oh?” Jet asked, her ear twitching in interest. “Nothing too disreputable, I hope.”
“If so, Tali’s gonna want a heads up,” Thomas said cheekily.
“We weren’t that bad,” defended Moonlight.
“We? Who said anything about ‘we’?” asked Star. “You’re the one who always took the lead, so I’m shifting full blame onto you.”
Moonlight snorted. “I might have taken the lead, but you came up with way more schemes than I ever did.”
Star shrugged and averted her eyes in guilt. “I was just having fun posing what-ifs. You were the one who got our tent all riled up and prank-happy. It was like you were that little voice in the back of my head, always urging me to do bad things when I should have known better, like an anti-conscience.”
“And yet knowing this, you still kept pitching the juiciest stunts for us to pull,” countered Moonlight with a smirk. “It’s hardly my fault you were so eager to give yourself to my corrupting influence.”
Star turned to face Thomas. “My deepest sympathies.”
In retaliation, an incensed Moonlight gave Star a friendly shove, nearly pushing her right out of her seat. Star responded in kind by leading with her shoulder against Moonlight, getting an unpleasant reminder of the orange mare’s second name in the process as she was swiftly deflected.
“Oh, yeah, Tali’s really gonna get a kick out of this,” commented Thomas as he watched the exchange. “Although, since you made it to the military, I guess you eventually grew out of that stuff.”
“When the camp counselors wrote to our parents, yes,” confirmed Star. “Although I’m fairly certain those old farts must have been exaggerating, because my dame’s letter sounded downright ruthless.”
“Mine said she’d tan my hide until it turned red, permanently,” said Moonlight, sounding like she was bragging. “Also threatened to drag me to school by the ear every day for the next year if I didn’t straighten up.”
“Lucky. My dame said she was going to sell off all my Lonely Hearts novels if the councilors’ next letter had anything less than exemplary comments. I remember she used that exact word. Exemplary.”
The two mares looked across the table at their other companions.
“Don’t look at me,” Thomas laughed. “I was a good kid. Also didn’t even have any friends to misbehave with.”
After a moment of silent peer pressure, Jet decided that there was no harm in caving just a little. “My sire had this… way of looking at me whenever I stepped out of line.” Her tone was foreboding. “Suffice to say; I learned the merits of behaving quite early.”
“Same here,” agreed Star. “After those first letters, we got our act together and started helping our fellow campers prepare for the annual Camp Pinewoods Marathon. That was this big event where teams of ponies competed over dozens of events, physical and mental, to see who would take on that year’s trophy.”
“We also got better about keeping our criminal activities secret,” added Moonlight. She tried hiding her mischievous grin with her drink, but did a poor job.
“Sounds like you two were pretty good friends,” noted Thomas. “Why didn’t you keep in touch?”
Moonlight sighed and stared down at her drink for a second. “It was various things. It happened three years after that first camp. Both our families were called up to different parts of the country. My dame was especially angry, since part of why she became a city guard was so that she wouldn’t have to travel anymore.”
Star stared forlornly into her cup. “It was a crisis involving pirates. Guards all over the country had to be reassigned to make up for regular soldiers going out to sea. The two of us tried to write together, but my sire’s deployments made it especially hard. He kept getting last-minute orders to go all over the place.”
“And while my family eventually made it back to Canterlot”—Moonlight resumed—“there was this weird bureaucratic thing—I don’t know—that changed all the addresses, so it was the same house, but on a different street name.”
“And with my family still moving around”—continued Star as she set a sad gaze on Moonlight—“we just never found each other.” She sighed. “Which is why I’m so happy to see you again.” She pulled her old friend in for a half hug and a cheek rub. “I missed you.”
“You just missed me because I was your heat buddy,” countered Moonlight cheekily.
Were Thomas a pony, his ears would have perked. But since he was merely human, his rising brow was the only sign of intrigue.
“Well, that too,” agreed Star with a giggle. “But I also missed just hanging out. I want to hear about everything that’s happened to you since last we spoke.”
“I think I’ve covered all the major highlights,” commented Moonlight. “Private First Class in the night guard”—she held up her gauntlet—“herded to the sweetest stallion in Equestria”—she shot a smile at Thomas—“and I’m the envy of mares and stallions the world over for my remarkable sexual prowess,” she declared, almost crowing. “Oh, and I also buck a Princess.”
“Aww. I’m so happy for you,” Star cooed indulgently and gave Moonlight a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Sounds like your life’s right on track.”
“And you?” Moonlight asked. “I remember you weren’t quite sure what you wanted to do the last time we spoke.” She looked idly around the campus, as if expecting to find some sort of clue. “Figures you’d be in a university, though.”
Star grinned and took another sip. “You’re right. I still hadn’t figured out what I wanted to do with myself. I mean, I got my cutie mark during a dream that I couldn’t even remember,” she said in exasperation. “I tried all kinds of things, even went to a few councilors, but none could give me a straight answer. It was all just so frustrating,” she growled.
“Was?” Moonlight noted.
Star nodded. “I’m not sure if it’s ironic; maybe more like narratively consistent. But after all that stress and anxiety over a dream, it was actually a dream that set it all straight for me.” She took another sip. “Apparently, dreams are how the Dream Walkers do their recruiting,” she said nonchalantly. “Go figure.”
“The Dream Walkers!?” Moonlight exclaimed while Thomas and Jet watched in silent awe. “You’re a Dream Walker now?”
“Junior rank,” Star clarified, but still looked quite pleased with herself. “That’s actually why I’m here. The guild needs me to be at least moderately adept at alchemy, so they’re helping me pay for some advanced courses over the summer. And with my sessions at the guild, I’ll probably make full membership by the end of the summer.”
“A Dream Walker at your age?” Jet remarked in awe. “That is quite the feat. You must be a remarkably skilled mare.”
Star tilted her head to one side and grinned. “I don’t like to brag… but yes.”
“Just so the ignorant human can keep up,” Thomas interjected. “Dream Walkers are Luna’s assistants when dealing with dreams, right?”
“I wouldn’t have put it so crudely, but yes,” Star affirmed. “We walk through the realm of dreams with the blessing of our Mistress, purging the domain of shadows and other fiends that seek to feed off the negative feelings in ponies’ hearts.”
“So you fight monsters?” Thomas asked, peaking the attention of the other mares at the table.
“Not yet, no. I’m still just a trainee. Right now, all I know about fighting monsters is how to spot the signs of them hiding in somepony’s dreams. If I even get a chill down my back, I’m supposed to bug out and call my squad leader to investigate.”
“What about the person with the monster in their heads?” Thomas asked. “You just leave them there?”
Star pursed her lips. “It’s not ideal, but as bad as some of these creatures can be if left to their own devices, we’re told from day one how much worse it can be if some bull-headed amateur starts a brawl in somepony’s head. It could cause permanent psychological damage, or worse,” she explained grimly before taking another sip. “Besides, even with all that the guild is teaching me, I’m still subpar when it comes to combat. I’m much stronger with my bedside manner, so to speak, so I’ll probably be relegated to handling low-tier, non-monster-related nightmares. But I’d still like to make myself useful in other ways, hence the alchemy classes.”
“Have you developed a knack yet?” Jet asked.
At Thomas’ confusion, Moonlight leaned in to explain. “Alchemy is a highly magical school. Ponies who don’t have an alchemy talent tend to be strong in only one or two kinds of potions. It’s sort of like a secondary cutie mark.”
“Candles, actually,” Star continued. “Turns out I’m not half bad at making special incense candles that heighten a pony’s concentration, a pretty useful skill when about 77% of the job is mental.”
“That’s a pretty exact number,” Thomas noted.
“I had some free time, so I made a little pie chart.”
“Nerd,” Moonlight whispered into her drink.
“So sayeth she of the—”
“Don’t!” Moonlight snarled, but Star only gave a sinister smile back.
“—ass of perfect deflection.”
“Uuuuugh!” Moonlight groaned, slumping in her chair. “I’d hoped you’d forgotten that name.”
Recalling the shield on his mare’s flank, Thomas smiled and hummed his amusement. “Ah. Funny.”
“Please don’t tell Talon,” begged the sullen mare.
“Fine,” Thomas acquiesced. “But can I give Star her mailing address?”
“Sweetest stallion in Equestria, huh?” asked Star, directing her amusement at Moonlight. “No kidding.”
“Eh. I have my moments,” Thomas said with a shrug, ignoring Moonlight’s grumbling.
“Speaking of which, I’m still hoping to learn more about you,” Star said. “Equestria’s one, and only human is still such a fascinating mystery. I’m surprised the Princesses haven’t ordered you to dictate a biography or something.”
“To be honest, I’m still a little skeptical that I’m that big a deal,” Thomas replied. “I was kinda under the impression I was yesterday’s news, ya know.”
“Well, maybe it’s just the circles I walk in these days,” allowed Star. “We’re mostly Luna worshippers, so anything related to the Princess of the Night tends to be a popular topic. You, especially, are quite the curiosity at the guild. Lots of ponies like to have fun speculating about what you must be like and why there’s so much secrecy around you.”
“I trust you’ll respect the royal prerogative of the Princess and not press the matter beyond what is appropriate,” Jet warned.
Thomas pursed his lips. “Apparently, there’s a plan to start declassifying a lot of stuff about me, but that’s still at least a year out. Though between the three of us,” he gestured, “I think we’ll be able to keep each other from saying stuff we shouldn’t.”
“So if questions about you as a human are still iffy,” Star began, “what about something more personal?” She paused as her eyes darted between Thomas and Moonlight. Her eyebrows bounced suggestively. “If you catch my drift.”
Thomas smiled over at Moonlight. He stared at her a moment, doing little more than taking in her beauty, and gave a contented sigh. “You want to tell her, or should I?”
“You’re the storyteller. I think it’d be better if you told it,” she replied.
“Fair enough,” Thomas agreed and faced Star. “Long story short, we were both oblivious victims of nefarious alicorn shipping.”
Star managed to cover her hand over her mouth in time to keep from spraying her drink all over Thomas. She choked and gagged a moment, making a wheezing sound that was almost laughing. “You, erhem, what?”
Even Jet looked like she was straining to keep a straight face.
Moonlight just buried her face in her hands and groaned. “I have only myself to blame.”
“Don’t worry.” Thomas set a hand comfortingly on the mare’s shoulder. “We all blame you.”
Moonlight shook his hand off and gave a muffled scream into her palms.
Star wiped a few tears from her eyes as her breathing evened out. “Okay. Now you have to go into detail!”
“Sure.” Thomas nodded and stared down at his drink a moment, collecting his thoughts. “To start with, I’m not as physically tough as most ponies.” Or emotionally, for that matter. “For that and other reasons, Moonlight was assigned as my personal guard. I’m not exactly the most, shall we say, aware person there is. Add onto that she was in full armor, making it hard to distinguish her from the other guards following Luna and me around all day, and I was honestly not aware of her for about three whole months.”
“That’s actually quite understandable,” commented Star to the surprise of the others. “Most other races say they have a hard time telling ponies apart. Our facial structures tend to be more homogenous compared to others, making our most distinguishing features our colors and cutie marks, which is a bit tricky for foreigners to catch onto. My point is you shouldn’t feel bad about not noticing Moonlight, especially if she failed to give you the courtesy of introducing herself first.”
Moonlight winced at the sharp barb. “I thought I was following protocol,” she said apologetically.
“Of course, you were, deflector,” Star said cheerily, laughing when Moonlight growled. “Anyways, please go on.”
Thomas nodded appreciatively. “Well, it was well after I was inducted as Luna’s senior concubine, not to mention my first day off. So, once we got the initial awkwardness out of the way, we met up with pretty much the only other friend I’d made since coming here. She’s a griffon named Talon, but she likes to go by Tali.”
“Nice to finally hear who you’ve been threatening Moonlight with,” said Star.
“The three of us started hanging out during my off hours and, well, Tali really took charge in helping to show me the parts of Equestria I’d been ignorant about. She started me on this kinda perverted training routine where she taught me a few things about”—he hesitated—“erogenous zones and, uh, how ponies show affection.” He chuckled to himself as he recalled some of the lessons. It was still tricky to talk about this stuff with strangers. However, given that Moonlight wasn’t protesting, he’d yet to break any pony taboos. So it was probably best that he muscled through and learn to accept this new normal. “Really opened my eyes to a lot of things I’d been missing.”
“Hmm, I noticed there wasn’t much of Moonlight in that story,” Star noted dryly.
“To be honest, it wasn’t quite ‘love at first sight’ for us,” Moonlight explained. “I thought he was cute and all, but my primary focus at the time was on being a good guard. The two of us were friends before anything else.”
Thomas nodded his agreement. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“But in hindsight, if I knew then what I know now, I’d like to think I’d have started flirting a lot sooner.”
“Would have definitely simplified things,” Thomas agreed. “That is, assuming captain oblivious over here”—he indicated himself—“would have even noticed.”
When it became apparent he wasn’t about to say anything further, Moonlight accepted her turn. “I really can’t say for certain when I started liking him as more of a friend.” She spun her cup around, watching the liquid slosh. “I suppose it would have been some time after Silver, this new mare, began applying to be a concubine.” She laughed. “It might sound weird, but watching her and Thomas being together, and knowing what they would eventually do, it, well… I guess it started making me a little jealous.”
Thomas frowned at the mare. “First time I’m hearing about this.”
“Because it’s embarrassing,” countered Moonlight defensively. “I had no idea what I was feeling at the time, so I ended up twisting those feelings into something ugly, being passive-aggressive against Silver instead of just coming out and admitting what I wanted.” She hung her head low. “I’m gonna need to apologize to Silver when we get back to the castle.”
“Oh, my. What a development.” Star leaned forward and rested her chin on her palms. “Do go on.”
Thomas sighed. He wasn’t sure how he felt about causing Moonlight such discomfort, even if it had been unintentional. Had she avoided telling him out of embarrassment, or was she walking on eggshells around him again? A part of him wanted to talk it over with her once they were in private, but another, stronger part insisted that it wasn’t worth starting a potential fight and urged him just to drop it. He decided on the latter and continued the story. “Well, I guess I’m with Moonlight in that I’m not too sure when I started having feelings for her, either. We were just super close, and that was how I liked it.” He chuckled. “Little did either of us know that, while we were being dumb, ancient horrors from time immemorial were scheming to—”
Jet cleared her throat in quiet warning.
Thomas smiled apologetically. “Sorry.” And he cleared his throat. “Anyway, as a concubine, I feel it safe to say that the thing that brings alicorns the most joy isn’t sex or friendship, but playing with people like they’re dolls.”
“I’d say it’s more like their favorite hobby,” argued Moonlight. “They’ve also been doing it for so long that they’re pretty much experts.” She laughed and shook her head. “Then again, I can’t exactly argue with their results.”
“Fair point,” Thomas conceded. “See, after a while, I guess we had both basically figured out that we liked one another, but were still unable to actually come out and say it. So the Princesses decided to give us a little push by setting us up on a date to the zoo. One thing led to another, and of all the things we learned, one of them was that the butt of the sun isn’t as good at disguise as she thinks she is.”
**********
Meanwhile, in Celestia’s room, the formerly sleeping alicorn of the sun sat up with a start, sending many unsuspecting concubines flying as if launched from a catapult. “Heresy!” she proclaimed, not entirely certain what had prompted this outburst. All she knew was that somepony somewhere had issued a declaration of war, which she intended to accept.
**********
Star laughed. “From what the other ponies at the guild have said, somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”
**********
“The treason has been doubled!” Celestia added, still not fully cognizant while her concubines groaned in tired annoyance. Some even muttered how this sort of thing happened entirely too often.
**********
“Anyway, disguises aside, she did give us both the kick in the pants we needed to finally come clean with each other,” Thomas continued. “Then, after an encounter with a bird that likes to make ponies horny, the two of us were teleported back to Luna’s room, and…” he trailed off as he lost himself in Moonlight’s eyes.
“Aww. That’s so sweet,” cooed Star.
Moonlight nodded. “For a while, yes. Then Luna and Tali showed up and decided to scare us half to death with threats of dereliction of duty.”
“Oh, dear,” gasped Star in worry.
Thomas laughed and shook his head, pressing his fingers to his forehead. “To be fair, I’m pretty sure you” —he said to Moonlight—“were the one who started saying that stuff about doing wrong, and they just kinda went with the setup. And I certainly didn’t know, so I just assumed you knew something I didn’t.”
Moonlight chuckled as well. “I’m sorry, but my head wasn’t exactly screwed on straight at the time.”
“Didn’t help that Silver was in the same boat as us and started apologizing on our behalf.”
“Yet it was awfully brave of her to do that, even if she did call us ‘perpetrators,’” Moonlight reminisced. “I was especially moved when you stood up for me.”
Thomas averted his grinning face from the beaming mare. He kept pulling away each time she tried pushing herself into his line of sight, which only encouraged her to encroach further. “I just figured, between the two of us, she’d be the least angry at me; ya know, assuming we’d actually done something wrong.”
Moonlight had encroached so far into Thomas’ personal space that, had she let go of the table, she’d have fallen on him. “It was still very brave of you to stand up for me like that.” She planted a kiss on his lower jaw. “If I had any doubts left that you were the stallion for me, that was the moment they all died.”
The mare and man went silent for a long moment. They simply stared at one another while remaining in their awkward leaning position until Star lost her patience.
“And then what?”
Thomas looked questioningly at Moonlight, wondering if it was alright to tell this next part, and she nodded. “Well, after a good while of playing up just how guilty we were for, well, going at it in her room, Luna eventually tells us that the only way we can ‘atone for our transgressions,’” he said in an overly posh imitation of the night alicorn, “was basically for us to have a threesome.”
Thankfully, Star had already set her drink down, because now she looked like she was struggling not to vibrate right out of her seat. “That may be the most romantic story I’ve ever heard.”
“Really?” Thomas asked skeptically.
“As a reader of Lovely Hearts, trust me when I say what you just described puts most of their love scenes to shame.”
“I can confirm this,” Moonlight added. “I’ve only read the first three books, but their love scenes were quite… stimulating.”
Thomas laughed. Still weird how easy it is for everyone to talk about porn in the open.
“Come to think of it, why are you here, anyway?” Star asked.
“Long story short, I’m in need of a super checkup,” Thomas answered plainly.