Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 148: Chapter 147: Unorthodox Thinking
Previous Chapter Next ChapterUnfortunately, Star had to head off to her next class, so she said her goodbyes and teleported away.
“Wasn’t there something other than the checkup?” Thomas directed his question at Jet. “I could have sworn there were other things.”
“There were.” Jet pulled out a list. “Apart from your checkup, Princess Luna recommended a few additional appointments. Although, these are purely optional.”
Moonlight peeked over Jet’s shoulder. “No wonder she recommended we come so early.”
“Well, what’s first?” Thomas asked. “It sounds like Luna had something specific in mind.”
Luckily, there was just enough time for the group to meet the first appointment.
Thomas paused just in front of the door and looked at the sign on the side. ‘Combat Magic 102 with Professor Sizzle Snap.’ “Luna really wanted us here?”
Moonlight checked the list of appointments. “This is definitely the right spot, though I don’t know what she expects us to get from listening in on a lecture. The CMA already taught me all there is to know on the matter.”
“The CRSA tends to focus more on the theoretical side of things, at least in the early stages,” noted Jet. “Likely, we are expected to consider the ideas being presented. For now, we should simply be patient and accept the free lesson.”
Moonlight nodded. “Now that you mention it, Luna is probably trying to teach us a lesson. Well”—she glanced down at Thomas—“most of us.”
Jet inspected the note on the door. “The guest lecturer is Subtle Tear. She’s presenting on new, creative ways to use magic,” she questioningly read.
“Well, that should be interesting, at least,” Moonlight replied. Then, with nothing else to say, the group entered.
The class was tiered like an auditorium, with the back rows elevated to allow equal viewing of the presentation stage at the bottom. It was packed to the brim, with many attendees being forced to stand. Strangely enough, there were actually two seats reserved in the back for Thomas and Moonlight. Jet, meanwhile, opted to stand. Students of all sorts were chatting amongst themselves, few even noticing the latest additions to their pack of sardines. A dark violet unicorn with a pink mane – presumably Sizzle Spark – sat at her desk and filed papers, seemingly no different than any other attendee. It was only a few more minutes before Subtle Tear, an aqua unicorn with a green mane that hung down to her rear, came out. Two other unicorns in white vests flanked her. The class went respectfully silent as she took the podium, and those in the vests began setting something up on the wall behind her.
“Welcome, all,” she greeted with polite bluntness. “There’s been a lot of buzz about this lecture. I’m sure most of you are only attending as part of some extracurricular assignment or the like. From what I gather, your professors have been talking up this presentation quite a bit. You’d almost think they knew what they were talking about.” There was a low murmur from the audience.
“That’s right. This new approach to magic is so new that almost no pony knows what it even is,” Subtle explained with a wicked gleam in her eye. “Most of you, I imagine, consider yourselves quite well versed in the basic theory of combat magic.” She spied a raised hand and gave a dismissive motion. “Save all questions ‘til I’m done talking. This is university, ponies! Anyway, while none of you likely plan on transferring to CMA, this lecture will hopefully help you think of new, innovative ways of using your magic.”
Subtle lit her horn, and a curtain descended behind her, covering most of the back wall. “This curtain has been laced with a semi-reflective coating, ideal for holding projections of light. The core of this presentation is actually quite simple. My assistants and I”—she gestured to the ponies in white vests waving from either side of the presentation platform—“are going to project a short clip of two skilled wizards engaging in a, shall we say, specialized duel. The goal of which will be to defeat their opponent using only transformation magic, and only using the shapes of creatures with low-tier magical ability.”
Thomas frowned. Alarm bells were already going off in his head, but… “No. There’s no way,” he whispered.
“Now, before we begin, I’d like to first test your thinking on the matter,” Subtle continued as she scanned the auditorium. “This is an open question, so feel free to answer if you think you know what you’re talking about. Let’s see here. Now, given the parameters of the duel that I’ve just provided, what would be your response if your opponent turned into something like a tiger?”
Many hands were raised, but Subtle picked a red stallion to stand. “When employing transformation magic, the simplest approach is to pick a shape as close to your own as possible to mitigate the risk of overexertion. That said, if I’m facing something like a tiger, I suppose I’d change myself into a bear to counter it.”
“A bear?” Subtle asked, not sounding pleased.
“Yes. Probably a polar bear, since they’re so much stronger. One transformation shouldn’t be too much of a strain, and I’d be able to defeat my opponent with only a single blow.”
Subtle tapped impatiently at her podium. “Is that it?”
“Sorry?”
“You’d face a large predator with a slightly larger predator, reducing yourself to a mere brawler?”
“Uh…”
“I’ll bet you haven’t been in a real fight since primary school. Even if you’re physically stronger, a skilled combatant will beat an unskilled opponent almost every single time. With that kind of thinking, you’ve basically lost before the match can even start.”
“I don’t—”
“Just sit down!” Subtle commanded in annoyance, and the stallion complied. Then, pinching the bridge of her nose, she went on to ask, “Can somepony give me an answer that doesn’t make me question the future of our nation with you lot paving the way?” Despite her imploring, most hands went down, save for a few. “Alright, you. You’ve got nerve at least.”
A tan mare stood. “Instead of matching my opponent pound-for-pound, I think I would bypass their strength with venom.”
“Oh?”
Heartened, the mare smiled. “Given the limitations of low-tier magical creatures, I would go for an especially venomous snake.”
Subtle nodded. “Well, it at least has the pretense of creativity. But tell me, assuming that your snake fangs are able to breach the thick hide of a tiger, what will you do in the span of minutes it takes for the venom to take effect?”
“Um…”
“While your fangs have effectively locked you in place, you’re completely at the tiger’s mercy. Your head is bitten off before you can even blink. Though your tiger opponent may die eventually, they still win by merit of living longer than you.”
“But I—”
“Sit!” And she did. “Anypony else want to give it a shot?”
This time the mare was yellow. “If I were a bird, let’s say a hawk, I could—”
“Try to scratch their eyes out, only to die from the force of a paw swipe, or fly away like a coward,” Subtle cut her off. “Neither option actually wins the duel. Ugh. Is there anypony with a creative bone in their body?” Even more hands fell, leaving almost none. However, to the surprise of all, one hand went up. “Yes. You in the back.”
Jet, standing at attention, lowered her hand. “Where is this duel taking place?”
“Come again?”
“I may not have magic, but the terrain is a critical factor for any kind of combat. Without knowing what kind of surroundings I’m dealing with, I don’t think your question can be answered.”
Several students dismissively scoffed. What business did a non-unicorn have commenting on anything magical? Moonlight was kicking herself for not thinking of that sooner, while Thomas was still in a mild state of denial.
Subtle, however, looked especially annoyed as she tapped away at her podium. She and Jet locked eyes for a moment, seemingly staring each other down. The students awaited some sort of rebuke, castigating the bat mare for speaking out of turn or at least to tear apart her proposal. Instead, her answer was largely unexpected. “Well, you failed to take away my hope for the future,” she began bluntly. “I ask a question about active magic, the kind that can generally only be used by a horn, and the one pony who actually knows what she’s talking about isn’t even a unicorn.” She paused to turn a stare of intense parental disapproval upon the assembled students. “Are you proud of yourselves for this accomplishment?” Most everypony hung their heads low, while Jet gave a subtle grin.
“Always be mindful of your environment,” Subtle asserted. “This is true of all advanced spellcraft, including alchemy. The slightest miscalculation of moisture in the air or an unnoticed change in air pressure could easily cause your spell to invert on itself and, at best, knock you on your ass. But because this lecture isn’t meant to do the thinking for you, we’ll be keeping things relatively simple.” She motioned to her assistants, who all lit their horns and cast a projection of light upon the curtain.
A scene took shape, and Thomas’ denial was about used up as he beheld the familiar wasteland.
“What we have is an unremarkable desert,” Subtle explained as she motioned to various details on display. “Long dead trees and animals. It’s night, and the sky is overcast, so the light is negligible at best. The ground is hard and cracked. It probably hasn’t seen any rainfall in some time. This is the environment where our duelists will demonstrate their mastery of the ancient and profound magical arts… by trying to beat the shit out of one another.” A number of ponies snickered in surprise. “Now then, let’s see who we’re dealing with.”
From the left side of the screen – because that was what it had become – a blue unicorn stepped forward. He was clearly aged, wore spectacles, a blue wizard’s hat, and his white beard hung down past his knees. To most, he looked as though Starswirl had accidentally turned himself from gray to blue. And from the right, a reddish-pink mare entered the scene. She was shorter, a bit frumpy, and had an unkempt pink mane.
“For the sake of simplicity, we’ll be calling this blue fellow Merlin. His opponent is Mim,” Subtle introduced. “Now, what can you tell me about these two?”
Thomas observed the figures on the screen miming as they awaited their instructions. Merlin was fumbling about through a satchel, sputtering to himself as he clumsily dropped several scrolls. He leaned down to pick them up, only to realize he had his back to Mim and quickly jumped to ratify that mistake. Mim cackled madly as she crept around, clearly trying to create distress in the frazzled old man.
“Yes, you,” Subtle indicated another student.
“Both look old. Age is often a tradeoff for advanced spellcraft. You’re more knowledgeable and experienced, but your body starts to fail you. Merlin probably knows more, but if he doesn’t remember, then Mim probably has the advantage.”
“Finally, a student who actually managed to learn something. Anything else? Yes.”
“Mim wants this. I get the feeling that these two have some sort of history. Merlin’s more reluctant to fight, so Mim’s aggression will also be to her advantage.”
“Very good. One more. Let’s see here. Who have I not…? You.”
Moonlight couldn’t help herself. She’d also recognized the scene in play and decided to show off her foreknowledge. “Merlin keeps looking worriedly at those birds up in the tree,” she pointed out. “Mim is eager, and Merlin is reluctant, but from the look of things, it is because Merlin is doing this out of obligation. I think he’s trying to defend the birds from Mim.”
Subtle nodded. “And?”
“Merlin needs to be strong right now. Mim only wants to be strong. I think that makes a difference.”
“Nice one,” Thomas whispered.
“Spoken with the wisdom of experience, no doubt. Alright. Let’s get on with it.” Subtle lit her own horn, adding her own light to the mix as the scene unfolded and the duelists faced off.
Mim began by restating the rules from earlier, elaborating that other forms of magic were forbidden while the birds, which could apparently talk, observed with overt distrust. Sure enough, as the two turned around and began marching in opposite directions, Mim winked away, only to reappear as an alligator on its hind legs that nearly snapped Merlin’s head off. Instead, he disappeared in a trail of sparkles into his hat.
Thomas allowed himself a smile as most of his attention was on the students. Apparently, breaking the rules as Mim had done was highly uncouth among spell casters, and they weren’t shy in their criticisms. Likewise, neither were they too kind when Merlin’s answer to the alligator reaching into the hat was to bite her finger as a turtle. This was called a desperate, careless move, and one that was literally about to come back and bite him as he fled as fast as his turtle legs would carry him.
Merlin only narrowly avoided the gator’s jaws as a hare, only to resume fleeing when Mim turned into a fox. The birds tried to ‘help’ by shouting suggestions, but they couldn’t offer anything specific. At the same time, many students had already written off the match as over. Foxes were roughly as fast as hares, and the distance between them was closing quickly. So Mim choosing the natural predator of her opponent was an obvious move. But then Merlin fled into a dead, hollowed-out tree.
As a little blue Merlin caterpillar inched its way out of a tiny hole atop the tree, Jet allowed herself a sense of vindication. Clever use of the terrain had allowed one of the unicorns to narrowly avoid certain doom.
While Merlin tried catching his breath, Mim managed to spot him and, once more, turned into her opponent’s natural predator. The round little hen cackled and clucked, taunting Merlin to come down to within her reach. She bit his backside, but it seemed as though he’d taken her earlier creative license with the standing alligator as an excuse to increase his own durability. Mim tried to yank him off a branch, only to send him flying straight up. Mim awaited down below, mouth wide open and confident in her victory.
Thomas kept his ears open for the audience’s chatter and was beginning to get an idea of what this lecture was for. Subtle said that this was to teach creative uses of magic. This seemed increasingly necessary as, yet again, not a single student had any idea of how Merlin could escape his inevitable doom.
The big fat blue walrus plopping down on the tiny bird caught everyone by surprise. Some were even laughing at the absurdity of it all. Then, as if in response to the first student called upon, Mim matched big with bigger as an elephant. She wasn’t a natural predator this time, but the world’s largest land mammal could trample just about anything she wanted. More so, it was clear that she was starting to get agitated with all of her near misses and Merlin starting to fight back.
Then Merlin, in complete contrast to the expected escalation of size, became a mouse. He wasn’t a natural predator, but the choice of his opponent animal’s natural weakness and sending her fleeing in fear earned him much praise from the audience. Alas, this victory was short-lived. After fleeing for only a second, Mim came charging back as an obese tiger. Once more, she showed blatant disregard for the capabilities of the chosen animal shapes and ran on her hind legs with the intent of squishing Merlin as he’d done her. He fled into a hole and reemerged nearby, ready to bite her tail, only for Mim to resume her strategy of selecting natural predators by picking a rattlesnake.
And again, Merlin relied on wits over brute strength to evade certain death, tricking Mim into biting her own tail. He then fled down a different hole in the dirt with her in close pursuit. When Mim caught up with him, he nearly snapped her head off with an absurdly large crab claw, only for her to retreat. This went on for a bit like a brief game of wack-a-mole before Mim erupted out of the ground as a mighty rhino. She was clearly angered beyond reason, seemingly taking Merlin’s audacity to fight back as some form of personal insult. With the crab atop her face, she didn’t think twice about charging into a nearby tree to smash him to paste, not bothering to notice that the tree was on the edge of a cliff.
This time the students actually had some ideas. First, Merlin should jump for safety, which he did. Second, based on her reckless speed and the decayed state of the tree, the students accurately predicted that Mim would get herself stuck. One student even suggested a ram before Merlin took the form and charged. He head-butted the red rhino with all his might, dislodging the tree and sending her plummeting what should have been a fatal distance into the swamp below.
And then, in what should have been a shock to no one, Mim cheated yet again and became a dragon. Merlin was so shocked that he could barely rebuke her for this breach of rules. Worse, just as with the mouse and the elephant, all his animal forms had a natural fear of dragons. His only option was to run. The sheer enormity of Mim’s legs meant that she could close the distance in no time. And when Merlin tried to hide in a hole, she just blew fire until he was forced to flee back into the open, where he was immediately caught in her mighty claws. Mim fell back on her obese dragon butt and cheered, shaking her claws wildly in what was, without a doubt, her certain and absolute victory.
Then the sound faded just a little as Subtle’s horn dimmed while her assistants maintained the paused projection. “Now, before we finish, does anypony have any idea what happens next?”
It was obviously a trick question. By the very fact that the lecturer was asking, surely Merlin would win. Mim had employed brute force, which Subtle had been so critical of earlier. So it was only logical that Merlin would win out against strength with wit, just as he’d been doing. But how? The students discussed fervently amongst themselves. A dragon of that size could only be defeated by a small army or another dragon, both of which seemed to contradict Subtle’s point. So, what clever trick could Merlin use to end this duel in his victory?
Subtle sighed her disappointment. “If no pony can think of anything, I’ll just have to ask the one who provided this scenario in the first place.” When the audience could only provide a confused clamor, Subtle motioned to the very back of the hall. “Thomas, do you have any thoughts?”
Jet tensed, though she managed not to look it. Him? This whole lecture on teaching creative use of magic was based on one of his ideas; human ideas?
Put on the spot, Thomas appreciatively nodded when Moonlight took his hand. He stood, trying to ignore everyone’s eyes and just focus on Subtle. It didn’t seem right just to give away the answer, as she clearly wanted these students to try and come up with something on their own. So he opted for a clue. “Size isn’t everything,” he began. “Sometimes, the tiniest creatures can bring down things infinitely bigger than themselves. They just have to attack from the bigger thing’s weak point.”
Understanding his intent, Subtle nodded. “And does anypony have any idea where that weak point might be?” She waited. “Anypony? Anypony at all?”
“Uh, from inside?” offered a hesitant student.
“Inside what?”
“Th-the dragon. He could attack from inside the dragon.”
“How? Is he supposed to use his little mouse teeth to bite her tongue?” Subtle irately demanded. Then she saw Thomas raise his hand again. “Something more to add?”
“This isn’t the final answer, and I’m not sure this would even work with conservation of mass or whatever, but he waits until he’s in her throat and becomes an elephant.” That caused many students to wince.
“Assuming he isn’t first chomped to death, that would actually be an effective strategy,” Subtle admitted. “Does anypony else want to try for the true answer before I just give it to you?” When no more hands raised, Subtle relit her horn and resumed the scene.
Mim had just opened her claws, ready to gloat and taunt her opponent before his imminent demise, but he wasn’t there. Merlin spoke, but insisted that he wasn’t invisible. He claimed that he was tiny, forcing Mim to search her body for a gnat or something. However, Merlin elaborated that he was a germ, a very virulent strain that all but Thomas recognized, “And you caught me, Mim!”
There came the sounds of several face-palms as the students finally got it. Many said that they should have guessed as much. Some bragged that they knew the answer all along, but wanted to give the others a chance. All watched as the dragon succumbed to the symptoms of the disease, weakening, changing color, and soon she was unable to lift herself upright. Finally, the germ took its toll, and the scene came to an end.
Subtle cleared her throat, drawing all attention back to herself. “The application of magic has become disgracefully stale in recent years. The orthodox of spellcraft has become too rigid, despite boasts of encouraging creative thinking. Too many spells are wrongfully thought of as natural counters to others, reducing the complexity of spellcraft to rock paper scissors. Worse, too many unicorns believe the solution to problems is just to increase the power, working harder instead of smarter. Mim, as we just saw, represents this stagnant form of thinking, preferring to choose what seem to be natural counters over any other strategy. For example, no pony following orthodox thinking would consider using a crab to fight a snake. However, in these specific circumstances, this choice proved exceptionally effective. Had Merlin been a bit younger or more aggressive, he’d have surely come out on top much more quickly than we just witnessed. Not to mention that he played on his enemy’s emotions. I trust I don’t need to point out that anger clouds one’s judgment. So, by keeping a cool head, Merlin was able to take advantage of Mim’s reactive strategy and—as you saw—conceive more innovative transformations outside the standard predator/prey dynamic.”
Subtle elaborated on her desire to use these new ideas to revitalize magical theory and application, but Thomas was only half listening. His mind had once more wandered off to consider the differences between ponies and humans. The physical and cultural differences were more than obvious, but was there more to it than that? Could the two species also be different on a neurological level? The students’ inability to think past Mim’s methods could result from the current teaching methods stagnating. That would be a cultural issue. He’d consumed plenty of media in his life featuring the deadliness of disease, not to mention the general narrative of small things taking down big things. Even if he hadn’t seen the clip before, he’d have probably guessed something similar. His suggestion about the elephant in the throat had also gone over everyone’s heads until he’d said it. All of these things pointed to a mere difference in culture, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was still more that he didn’t understand.
Jet was silently fuming as Subtle went on. The very idea of employing human ways of thinking to improve pony practices was fundamentally offensive. Worse, when she tried to give structure to her thoughts, formulating a hypothetical argument to persuade her peers, every word just made her sound petty and pathetic. Many commanders had made their mark on history by employing the tactics of their enemies to even greater effect. She further considered how other such ideas were born in other nations, migrated to Equestria where they were refined, only to be sent back to their birth nations better than ever. At its core, cultural exchange was a good thing. Learning the ways of thinking of your allies, rivals, and even enemies could only be called an act of pure wisdom.
And yet, Jet was unable to shake the feeling of personal insult at the notion of adopting human ideas, even if heavily filtered through the lens of pony thinking. Humans had no magic of their own, after all. The stories he’d told were just that: works of fiction made by different writers with varying and often contradictory interpretations of how magic worked. Was it frustration she was feeling rather than offense? No. No, it was definitely both.
Jet internally groaned as she imagined reporting these feelings to Firestorm. He’d chide her, and he’d be right to do so. Wary vigilance was one thing, but hating humans and their ideas was entirely pointless. If this scene had come from Thomas, it could have only made it to this room through the Princesses. They’d seen this bit of human art and saw fit to use it to the benefit of Equestria’s young academics. The Princesses were rarely wrong, and imagining their stamp of approval certainly helped to ease the bat mare’s nerves on the matter. Yet her sense of contempt for the human, this one specific little creature in arm’s reach, remained steadfast.
Moonlight had also concluded that this clip had come down through the Princesses, though her way of thinking was more benign. She imagined Luna and Celestia in a private meeting. They’d be discussing current events and whatnot until the topic came up. Then, they’d have a back and forth, consider the creativity of the work, and decide that students like these would benefit from exposure to alien forms of thought. She smiled over at Thomas, hoping he felt proud of himself for contributing something like this to the sciences.
Thomas had reached the same conclusion as Moonlight, only to chuckle. “So, they’re using human ideas to inspire ponies?” he asked his mare.
“That’s how it looks,” Moonlight observed.
“Neat.”
“Is that all you have to say?” questioned Moonlight.
“Well, she”—Thomas motioned to Subtle—“has a point. Outside the box thinking can be super useful, and this was a pretty straightforward way to show it off.” He chuckled. “Back home, we had some really dumb classes that would spend the entire semester discussing the ‘cultural impact’ of popular media, but it was just a do-nothing course,” he recounted dismissively. “It’s kinda funny that ponies are basically doing the same thing, only it’s actually useful.”
As Jet listened, she felt simultaneously annoyed and vindicated.
“Hey, you,” whispered a nearby pony. It was the tan mare who’d proposed venom against the tiger. “You came up with this?”
“I brought the story,” Thomas corrected.
“It sounds like this’ll be a big focus for the rest of the semester. Got any tips?”
Thomas shrugged. “Sorry.”
“But this is your idea,” the mare stressed in annoyance.
“No, someone else came up with it. I just retold it, and someone else decided to form a lecture around it,” Thomas explained, noting how Moonlight was leaning into his space while fixing her attention on the other mare.
“Even so, you—”
“Am I interrupting?” Subtle sternly cut in. “It sounds like you in the back are having quite the interesting chat. Care to share with the rest of the class?”
The tan mare cleared her throat. “I-I was just asking our esteemed guest—”
“Kiss ass,” someone muttered.
“—if he could elaborate on a few matters,” the mare finished, sounding almost apologetic.
“Hmm. Well, Mr. Thomas?” inquired Subtle. “I’m also curious on that front. Got anything else you can share to help the ignorant masses understand?”
“Honestly, not really.”
“Interesting,” Subtle noted. “I was led to believe this was a story from your youth. If not you, then surely others must have reflected on the nuances of the matter.”
“Sort of,” Thomas allowed. “It’s like you said, where the point is to outthink your opponent. However, if you want something that could be useful in combat, I can’t really think of anything. See, humans don’t have magic.” His words triggered skeptical and even annoyed murmurs through the audience, agitating Moonlight. “We just kinda make things up. I’ve read dozens of stories that feature magic systems. That’s where the writer makes up their own rules, costs, benefits, limitations, and all that stuff. No two systems are exactly alike, and a system is considered good if it makes sense and seems balanced within its own story.”
Subtle nodded. “In other words, humans have no orthodox in magical thinking, thereby enabling freethinking.”
“I guess that’s true,” Thomas agreed. “Oh, if you want some outside-the-box thinking, you should try game designers.”
“Explain,” Subtle said bluntly, but not impolitely.
“Like Ogres and Oubliettes. I’ve never played, but that’s all about strategy and imagination. Maybe you could even get some non-ponies together to come up with a similar system with different rules,” Thomas uncertainly suggested.
Subtle exhaled. “Of all the idiotic ideas I’ve heard in my life, that was not the worst.” She pulled out a pencil and notepad and started writing. “Unicorns are practically instructed from birth on the fundamentals of magic. While necessary, this practice has encased our thinking in annoyingly sturdy boxes. Your average unicorn can only think of what magic is. A non-unicorn, and especially a non-pony, would be more likely to ask what magic could be. Most questions will be stupid, as is their nature, but I suspect that plenty will be worth considering. Thank you, Mr. Thomas. You’ve given me another lead to track down.”