Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 143: Chapter 142: Maybe They’re Not so Bad
Previous Chapter Next ChapterEven a homebody like Thomas needed to stretch his legs now and then. Moonlight had recovered enough that she could move around without raising her tail, but still had another day of leave before she had to go back to work. As such, she walked beside Thomas without her armor through the castle halls, naked as the day she was born, and with Jet following close behind. “What?” she asked after catching her mate staring.
Thomas lightly chuckled. “Nothing, just thinking that I’m about totally numb to naked ponies. Like, take that guy there,” he indicated a stallion with a buff physique, possibly military, but utterly nude. His hurried jogging caused his junk to bounce. “Before, I’d have cringed and looked away at something like that. Now, I hardly feel anything.”
Moonlight smiled with a hint of skepticism. “That’s good, isn’t it? It means you’re acclimating to your new environment.” Then she thought more about his words and looked down at herself. “Wait, so you feel nothing?” she asked while gesturing at her breasts.
Thomas ponderously pursed his lips as he stared at the orange mare’s fun bags. “Boobs alone aren’t enough to turn me on. That’s more a situational thing. Now, I’ve got more of an artistic appreciation for a lady’s hot titties, rather than just raw lust.”
Moonlight narrowed her eyes on her mate. “I swear it’s hard to tell sometimes if you’re deliberately messing with me, or if there’s still a culture gap to fill in.”
“Eh, a little of column A, a little of column B. I kinda like it. It keeps things mysterious and exciting. Ya never know what that wacky human will do next.”
Moonlight’s expression softened as she clasped her hand around his. “Well, at least you’re in a particularly good mood. I’m fine with that part not being a mystery.”
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Thomas thoughtfully agreed. “Maybe nonstop sex has a prolonged afterglow.” Then, looking around, he added, “Your heat came early, right?”
Moonlight nodded.
“So, the castle is gonna be on a skeleton crew for a few extra days, right?”
“Yes, mares and their stallions have medical leave during heat, so most of Equestria looks like this at the moment.” Moonlight gestured ahead. Usually, there’d be at least a dozen servants tidying things up, primarily mares. Instead, there were only two stallions dressed as butlers without pants. “Why, are you going to take advantage of things?”
“Like how? I’m not much of a prankster, and there’s still enough security to ward off potential ne’er-do-wells.” Thomas gestured at the bat mare trailing silently behind them.
“Okay, fair enough. But, for the sake of argument, what if there wasn’t any security?” Moonlight asked with a hint of youthful rambunctiousness.
“Hmm, whenever I used to go grocery shopping, I’d fantasize about jumping on the produce section and take bites out of everything just to see how I felt about it.”
Moonlight scoffed. “Foal’s play. You can do better.”
“Alright, let’s see here,” Thomas said as his expression grew thoughtful. “Whenever I used to drive around, I’d always see these interesting places off to the side. I’d think, ‘Wow, wouldn’t it be fun to explore that?’ You know, like when you’re a little kid, and everything’s an adventure. You might see trees that look slightly different from regular trees, and it just makes ya wanna go and play. Of course, when you’re a grownup, there’s a bunch of reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t. But if I could… Yeah, I think I’d wanna climb a tree or play in a ravine again.”
Moonlight wistfully sighed. “That sounds like it could be fun.” She imagined Thomas and herself, but much younger and cuter, playing in a park or something. The mental image was delightfully relaxing.
“Well, what about you?” Thomas asked. “What would you do if you were the only one around and had the freedom to do whatever you wanted?”
“Well, assuming I didn’t go into a panic and just surrendered to the madness of the moment, I think I’d…” Moonlight trailed off and averted her gaze with a blush. “Never mind.”
Thomas leaned over to catch Moonlight’s eye. When she evaded, he kept following until he started walking in front of her. “What? Tell me.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“Okay, now I have to know what ponies consider embarrassing.”
“You don’t have to. You want to. That’s totally different,” Moonlight argued. No matter what he said, she was not about to confess her secret fantasy to wear lingerie in public.
“Hmm, nah, I don’t think so. Tell me.”
“Nope.”
“Please.”
“Not when others are listening,” Moonlight whined, still suffering some hormonal instability.
Thomas nodded. “Alright, then let’s change it up. What if time stopped for everyone but you? You could still move people without harming them. You could also restart time whenever you wanted, and so long as you cleaned up everything, no one would notice. What would you do then?”
“You first.”
“Well, if I’m being honest, I guess I’d—”
“Yu-hu, hello,” called a feminine voice. The pair looked behind Jet to find a richly dressed mare approaching. She was a unicorn with soft yellow fur and a three-toned red mane. Her dress was strikingly red with cuts high in the hips to show off cutie marks that resembled half-full wine glasses. Her mane was done up similar to Rarity’s, and her lipstick was as vibrantly red as her dress. “Yes, might I have a moment of your time?”
“Uh, sure, I guess,” Thomas allowed, not sure which of them she was talking to. He watched Moonlight position herself a half-step ahead of him without blocking the way. Jet also cleared the way by stepping off to the side, but stayed in range to intervene if needed. Thomas wondered how much of Moonlight’s actions were because of her guard training, and how much was cultural conditioning for mares to protect stallions.
The yellow mare in the red dress stopped at what seemed to be a respectful distance and smiled at all but Jet. “Forgive me for the silly question, but I feel the need to ask. You are Thomas the human, yes?”
“I am,” Thomas affirmed with a nod as he looked the mare over. His inner skeptic told him that this was a brown-nosing noble trying to get something out of him, but he tried not to let his bias show. “And this is Moonlight Shield, my…” He hesitated. What was their relationship called again?
“I’m his mare,” Moonlight politely finished. “And you are?”
“Ah, splendid. And, of course, my name is Fine Vintage. I’m here on behalf of the Lunar Restoration Committee to issue formal requests to interview Luna’s concubines.”
“Okay…” Thomas allowed, not expecting this.
“Since the return of our beloved Princess, and the rise of Canterlot’s nightlife, there’s been a surge in interest regarding Luna’s history,” Vintage explained. “You see, following Nightmare Moon’s banishment, there was a rather shameful suppression of knowledge regarding the Princess. At the time, the official rationale was that such knowledge was too painful for Princess Celestia. But if you ask me, certain short-sighted and power-hungry ponies were trying to punish Princess Luna’s followers by erasing her from the records. Luckily, the fools at least had the sense to merely lock such records away, rather than destroy them, at least, for the most part. But, oh, listen to me ramble,” she tittered. “The point is that there is woefully little information regarding either Princesses’ concubines. Apart from their names, we know next to nothing about them. So while my colleagues search through dusty vaults to rectify this issue, I thought I’d bring a taste of more current history by interviewing Luna’s current concubines. That’s why it is convenient for you to be here as well, Moonlight Shield. I just need, say, an hour from each of you to learn a little about you both.”
Thomas slightly raised his hand. “Uh, sorry if you said this already, but why do you want to interview us?”
“Oh, did I not say?” Vintage asked as she mentally reviewed their conversation. “Hmm, silly me. Well, my colleagues in the LRC are putting together an exhibit for The Museum of the Royal Sisters to shine the light on Equestria’s unsung civil servants. Your contributions would help immensely.”
Thomas exchanged a look with Moonlight, confirming that she was just as skeptical, and turned back to Vintage. “Sorry, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
Vintage’s expression fell. “Goodness, why ever not?”
“Harem matters are private,” Moonlight answered. “The whole point of the position is to afford the Princesses privacy to relax and be themselves. Even alicorns still need time to be mares.”
“Oh, I fear that you may have misunderstood. This exhibit is about you, not her. Who is Moonlight Shield, what kind of pony is she, what brought her to the harem, and so on.” Vintage’s gaze flipped to Thomas, and the corners of her mouth climbed just a tad. “Ponies are especially interested to learn about Luna’s most exotic lover.”
Thomas pursed his lips and nodded. “Yeah, I’m not so sure that’s gonna happen.”
Vintage blinked. “I beg your pardon.”
“As Moonlight said, the whole point of the harem is privacy, and Luna’s not the only one who wants that. I’m also not a fan of putting my name in the papers.”
“I again apologize for the misunderstanding, but this isn’t an article in a paper. It’s an exhibit in a museum.”
Thomas shrugged. “Sorry, but it feels like you’re splitting hairs. Your job might be different, but you’re asking the same questions, and I’m not comfortable answering them for both Luna’s sake and mine.”
“Same,” Moonlight added. “I’m not sure how appropriate it is to put my name in a museum before I’ve done anything worthwhile. Plus, I’m with Thomas on keeping my private life private. I’d prefer it if reporters didn’t harass my family or me over something that’s no pony’s business but mine.”
“Also, are you even allowed to ask about this?” Thomas looked between Vintage and Moonlight. “I could’ve sworn reporters weren’t allowed to ask about harem business.”
“I am not a reporter,” Vintage cut in, sounding slightly flustered. She pulled out a fan to cool herself. “Sorry, but I fear that I’m not properly conveying my goals. I wish to spread awareness of Luna’s lost history.”
“And that’s very noble,” Moonlight replied. “However, I think you’d need Luna’s permission to pry into the lives of her old concubines. As for us, you can ask, but I doubt the others would say any different.”
“Maybe Surprise,” Thomas allowed. “That mare loves to talk, so you might learn something about her, but I’m with Moonlight. The rest of us kinda like keeping a low profile.”
“Even you, Senior Concubine Thomas?” Vintage pressed, sounding increasingly desperate. “Surely there’s something to say about your unique perspective on Equestria as a whole, and your position in the harem in particular.”
“Yeah, this is really starting to sound like pushy journalism,” Thomas observed.
“The Lunar Restoration Committee,” Jet ponderously interjected. “Sorry for speaking out of turn, but—”
“Then don’t,” Vintage sharply cut her off. “Know your place.”
“Have something to say?” Thomas asked, looking at Jet.
“Sir, only that I have my ear to the ground for these sorts of things,” Jet calmly informed. “I’m aware of several organizations with similar missions, but the LRC doesn’t ring any bells. If it’s new, adding an exhibit to a museum seems a little too ambitious.”
Vintage pursed her lips and fanned herself harder. “Well, yes. We are quite ambitious. Our love for Luna burns brightly, and we have an idea to share that light with all of Equestria.”
Frowning, Thomas looked up at Moonlight. “My BS meter is going off. How about yours?”
Moonlight chuckled deviously at the alien phrase. It filled her with pride to see the confused expression on the others. It filled her with pride to think she was part of an exclusive club that knew these human phrases. “Most certainly.”
“Begging your pardon, but what is a BS meter?” Vintage asked.
Moonlight smiled sweetly. “It means that you’ve asked us a favor, and we already refused. Was there anything else?”
Vintage stammered for a second before finding her words. “B-but this is to help Luna’s public image.”
Still in high spirits, Thomas dared to be snippy. “You make a good point. Jet, quick question. This lady told you to know your place. What’ll happen if I gave permission to do whatever you wanted?”
Vintage audibly swallowed while Jet remained stone-faced. “Nothing as spectacular as you might imagine, Sir. I’d simply do my duty and ward off all unwanted pests.” She stepped forward and turned to face Vintage, her stern glower looking quite imposing despite her small size. “I’m sorry, milady, but do you have an appointment?”
“Whah… buh… I-I wasn’t aware that I needed one,” Vintage stammered, seemingly at her wit’s end.
“The Lunar Restoration Committee,” Moonlight stated. “I think I’ll ask the Lieutenant to send an investigation to make sure you’re not up to anything sketchy.” It was hard for Moonlight not to smirk at Vintage’s petrified reaction. Among Canterlot nobility, reputation was everything. Even if nothing was found, an investigation brought on behalf of anypony close to the Princesses could be utterly damning to one’s social status. It was the unwritten cardinal rule of high society never to cross the Princesses. That’s why, even ignoring Thomas’ guards, so few ponies dared to approach him with any kind of agenda.
“Are we done yet?” Thomas asked in annoyance, no longer seeing the point in maintaining manners.
“Are we, milady?” Jet asked.
“I… yes, we’re done,” Vintage finally conceded, turned, and left down the way she came. The others resumed their course once she was far enough away.
“Even if it was true, a museum exhibit about the concubines seems like something doomed from the start,” Thomas thought aloud.
“Probably,” agreed Moonlight with an amused grin. “The whole institution is about as clandestine as a spy agency. Of course, there wasn’t exactly a contract, but I’m pretty sure discussing the harem with outsiders is grounds for termination, you know, except for our families.”
“Yeah, this job is too good. I ain’t risking it, especially not on someone so sketchy.” Thomas looked over his shoulder, but the yellow mare had already disappeared. “What could she have wanted, anyway?”
“Were you asking me?” Jet inquired.
“Sure, what do you think?”
“A logical goal would be to acquire more information about you, Sir Thomas. She could have been a journalist trying to run a story, and the LRC was merely a cover. In which case, it was smart of her to ask for Moonlight as well, but she was still too ambitious for approaching either of you before her organization was properly established. Surely, she must have known there’d be background checks before any such interview.”
“So, a naïve newbie who’s still learning the game?” Moonlight considered.
“Possible, although I still recommend you go through with requesting an investigation.”
“Agreed, and thanks for your help back there,” Moonlight said with an approving nod. “That was good work, soldier.”
“Thank you, ma’am, but that was the bare minimum for this assignment,” Jet humbly replied.
“Also, that thing I said about knowing your place,” Thomas added. “That still holds. I don’t like people talking down to others like that. So if it happens again, if someone’s disrespectful, it’s probably safe to assume I don’t want to hear what they have to say.”
Jet blinked. “That is… a kind offer. However, it would not be appropriate of me to make such assumptions on your behalf.”
“Then don’t assume. Read the room,” Moonlight countered. “Your charge just gave you criteria for interactions he’d rather avoid. That makes it your duty to keep an eye out for such annoyances.”
Thomas nodded. “Right, and I’m annoyed when strangers act all high and mighty and disrespect my… Well, I’m not sure if we’re friends, but we fought a slime monster together. So I don’t think you should let others talk to you like that.”
Jet gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. “I will take that under advisement. Thank you for your consideration, Sir.” Despite her calm expression, inside, she was fuming. She could almost feel Firestorm’s I-told-you-so expression. Compared to seeing it, she weighed her options, and concluded that running off to kick that pompous mare’s skinny rump to get herself locked up was not worth it, if only barely. More frustrating was how the human had a point. When the Smooze attacked, he’d had plenty of chances to flee for safety, yet he stayed with them and did his part. His naiveté almost made things worse by bringing up the monster’s song, but he only did so to help buy time. All things considered, Thomas had done his best to not only save them, but everypony in the stadium. At the very least, that feat deserved acknowledgment.
“So, what would you do?”
Thomas’ words broke Jet from her reverie. “Pardon?”
“If everyone disappeared, or time stopped, or whatever happened so that you could do whatever you wanted,” Thomas clarified. “What would you do?” he asked while motioning them to continue.
Initially, Jet wondered if Thomas was setting her up by fishing for blackmail material. However, after all the hours she’d poured over watching and listening to him, she felt that she’d notice if he were that nefarious or clever. He might just be profoundly good at hiding it. Then again, if he was, there wasn’t much she could do to stop him at the moment, so she might as well indulge his whims. “I suppose I like your idea of playing in trees and ravines. When I was young, my friends and I liked perching in trees; the taller, the better.”
“Do bat ponies make nests?” Moonlight asked. “I know pegasi do, but what about bat ponies?”
“Yes, but the instinct isn’t as strong. We’re more likely to wake up hanging upside-down from the ceiling,” Jet informed.
“Wait, how?” Thomas asked, gesturing incredulously at the mare’s hooves. “Regular bats have claws, but how are those”—she pointed to Jet’s hooves—“supposed to hold onto anything?”
Jet allowed herself a slightly impish smile as she looked around. Then, satisfied that the coast was clear, she walked to a nearby wall. Double-checking that no one was looking, she pressed her left hoof to the wall, leaned back until she was perfectly horizontal, and added her other hoof to the first.
Thomas’ jaw almost hit the floor as he stared. Jet’s wings didn’t flap, but it looked like her legs quaked from slight strain. Even so, it was a pretty spectacular feat. Moonlight was just as awed by the display, much to Jet’s satisfaction.
“It is a form of passive magic,” the bat mare explained. “Similar to how earth ponies can accelerate or augment plant growth, bat ponies can adhere our hooves to almost any surface. As a result, we can sleep upside-down, carry considerable weights without using our hands or ropes, and our foals frequently break bones when they try dancing on the walls.”
Thomas snorted a laugh, grateful to see this chiller side to the uptight mare.
“Okay, I get all that, but how are you standing like that?” Moonlight asked while waving her hand horizontally.
“This?” Jet indicated her knees before hopping down and upright. “I never miss leg day.”
Once he stopped blinking, Thomas asked, “Am I the only one who wants to see her leg wrestle Honey? That seems like it’d be an even match.”
“With all due respect, Sir, my legs can lift my weight laden in armor for a little over a minute. On the other hand, Lady Honey’s legs spend all waking hours lifting her weight, which I assume to be at least four to six times greater than mine.”
Thomas nodded. “You make a good point, but I still wanna see it.”
“Maybe Surprise’s wings against Jet’s legs,” proposed Moonlight. “Both are abnormally strong to hold weights they realistically shouldn’t. Plus, one is part of the reserves, while the other is active military, so that seems more comparable.”
“Well?” Thomas asked, looking squarely at Jet.
The bat mare frowned. “That would not be appropriate.”
“What if it happens behind closed doors where your superiors aren’t allowed to pry?” countered Thomas.
“I do not think the location would make it any less of a dereliction of duty,” Jet firmly stated.
“Actually, when I started following Thomas into Luna’s chambers, I asked Lt. Iron about this exact issue,” informed Moonlight. “He said that whatever happens in the Princesses’ private chambers is none of his business. He won’t ask if I won’t tell.”
“Huh, I guess every army has a policy like that,” Thomas remarked.
Again, Jet was plagued by Firestorm’s imaginary laughter. For all she knew, he’d stepped away for a bathroom break and hadn’t heard any of this yet. However, the moment he went back to review the records… Just the thought of that smug, self-righteous smirk made her skin itch. No doubt, he’d encourage her to go along with these whorses’ plan. ‘It’d be good for the mission to win their trust,’ he’d say. What was more infuriating was her inability to think up a decent counter-argument. Getting buddy-buddy with the human and convincing him to lower his guard could enable her to learn more about the human world. Aside from maintaining objectivity, the only other reason to keep her distance was personal preference, which her superiors would frown upon.
Finally, Jet gave a relenting sigh. “If that is what you wish, Sir.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” assured Thomas. “The one plus side of low self-esteem is that I’m a pretty humble guy,” he low-key bragged. “I’m not a fan of having servants. Instead, I’d rather think of you as a work colleague, like, from a different department or something. We’re here to do our jobs, and if your job is to follow me while I’m goofing off, then you might as well get some of the benefits from that, too.”
Jet nodded. “A generous offer, Sir. However, if I follow your reasoning, I think I would like to call a rain check on that invitation.”
“That’s fine,” Thomas allowed. “On the condition that you have to put up with us pestering you with more questions in the future.”
“Invasive and personal questions,” Moonlight amended with a friendly smirk.
Jet slightly tilted her head to the side, managing to look surprisingly adorable. “I thought that was a given.”