Chapter 8: Cuddlez

Alright... Let's see here...

Celestia is probably going to get me banned from Xbox live, Twilight is still giving me this oddly cute stalker look, Cadence bought some really sketchy items, and is barricaded In Her room doing god knows what and finally Luna is still on my fucking back!

"Fuck my life..." I mutter under my breath, as I introduce my forehead to the ground repeatedly.

"Again with this...’fuck’ word?" Luna says as she flips a page in her dirty magazine.

"Yes, fuck! As in, why the fuck are you still On my back? " I ask bitterly.

"We quite enjoy sitting on thine back. Tis strong and supportive." Luna said with a content smile.

'It won't be after something like this.'

"Oh, that's great, but I kinda need to stand up soooo.....GET THE HELL OFF!" I shouted. Luna slowly looked up from her magazine with A deadly gaze.

"Do not....raise...thine voice...with us..." she said quietly.

"Then get OFF!" I shout again.

"We will get off thine back when we feel like it human!" She boomed with a death glare. I sat there wide eyed for a couple seconds as she slowly moved dangerously close to my face. In her beautiful cyan eyes... I saw my tombstone.

'I think you should stop right there bud.'

Shut up! You're not in charge!

"Are we understood?" Luna asked quietly, narrowing her eyes.

Hell NO! I'm not going to let some pony boss me ar-

"Yes, your Highness." I said obediently with a nod.

"That's a good boy." she said with a smile as she nuzzled my cheek and went back to reading.

What the hell was that?!

'Oh my bad. Had to intervene there'

Why!?

'In case you forgot, our face isn't half bad. I'd actually like to keep it that way'

...

OK...gotta think...new plan! Time to put my knowledge of pony biology to use! They all have these really sensitive spots that can drastically alter their moods if exploited. So far those areas are the horn and stomach, and of course that...er awesome area beneath the stomach. The one that I touched the most has been Celestia and she seems to have another spot; right behind her ear.
The weird thing is the same spot on Cadence doesn't do anything, which means that spot is unique to Celestia. This leads me to assume that all these ponies have a unique spot. To get this mare off me, I’m going to have to find that spot.

A mischievous grin slowly goes on my face as I start to do something I’m fairly proficient at.

...

Derrick started to get this really mischievous look as his fingers uncurled. Twilight's quill suddenly stopped so she could observe.

"Thou hath been surprisingly well behaved." Luna said, she flipped another page.

"Yeah, that's great and stuff, but, um listen... I have to ask you something..." he said in a calm tone. Twilight raised her brow as Luna slowly lowered her magazine. Derrick adopted this half lidded expression and Luna's cheeks turned faintly red.

Twilight checks the box labeled; is he cute?

"What doth thou wish to ask of us?" Luna asked. A slight waver in her voice as she gazed into Derrick's eyes.

"Something really important." he said in a tone that made Twilight's ears twitch with delight. Celestia found herself watching them instead of the game.

"Come closer Lulu..." Derrick said in a sultry tone. Luna blushed, then with some hesitation, slowly moved her head closer. Celestia's eyes started to narrow as the pair got dangerously close.

"Art we...close enough now?" Luna asked with a half lidded expression and a confident smile.

"Yeah, that's perfect." Derrick said as he rubbed a hand through her shimmering mane. Luna's face colored a dark shade of red, and she slowly closed her eyes and leaned in for a-

"Hey, are you ticklish?" Derrick suddenly asked, his affectionate gaze disappearing completely.

"What?" Luna asked, opening her eyes and leaning back slightly.

"I said, are you ticklish?"

Twilight and Celestia gave each other a quick confused glance.

"Why?" Luna asked with a flat tone.

"Because that would make the next few seconds very convenient for me..." Derrick said as he slid his hand from Luna's cheek up to her horn.

"We don't under-WAAAH!" Luna yelped as Derrick gripped Luna's horn tightly, forcing a moan out of Her. Her wings shot out to her sides for everyone to see. She glared at Derrick with a mixture of pleasure and anger as she slowly stood off his back. When she was off him, Derrick used his other arm to push himself up with a painful grunt.

"Gotcha!" Derrick said with a victorious smirk. Celestia started to snicker, turning back to the Tv with some relief. Twilight watched with a bemused expression, not expecting this to be the outcome.

"Unhand us Human..." Luna says weakly.

"Nah. This is way too funny." Derrick says with a mischievous laugh.

"We will be… forced to take action if thou doth not unhand us now!" She said, stifling a moan.

"Oh, don't even lie, you're enjoying this." He teases. Luna's face turns bright red and she forces a frown.

"WE DO NOT!" She barked. Her wings twitched as Derrick's hand tickled her horn once more.

Twilight promptly circled all the notes she'd taken on Luna so far and wrote the word "Tsundre" in big letters, then she drew huge arrows pointing to it.

"You never answered my question Lulu."

"Do not call us that! And we are not telling thou!" Luna said.

"Well, that sucks for you Lulu." Derrick said as he tickled her horn again, forcing another moan out of her.

"Why doth thou say that?"

"Because I planned to find out myself anyways." Derrick said with an evil grin. Luna's eyes widened before Derrick pounced on her. He started to tickle her all over, making Luna powerless.

"ST....STOP IT!" Luna bellowed with musical laughter as Derrick seemed to be searching for a specific spot.

"Well, you didn't get off my back when I told you to, so why should I stop?" Derrick demanded. Twilight made an important note to prevent Derrick from touching her horn, so something like this wouldn't happen to her.

"WE ARE WA...WARNING THOU" Luna said in-between her musical laughter.

"Yeah, yeah." Derrick muttered. Eventually his hand grazed Luna's wing, forcing a cat like purr out of her.

"Found it!" Derrick exclaimed victoriously.

"Do not touch our wings please..." Luna squeaked in a timid voice that was out of character for her.

That sounded cute as hell.

'In a sexy way'

Hush.

"You mean like this?" Derrick says as he gives her wings a light tug. Luna shivered with pleasure and looked up to the human with frustration.

"We will show thou how it feels..." she said cryptically.

"What do you me-" Derrick started to say. Luna's horn sparked to life and the moment it did Derrick paused and his legs started to shiver. His face lit up and his pupils seemed to be nonexistent. An evil smirk slowly grew on Luna's flushed face.

"Luna… let go." Derrick said nervously.

"Thou doth not like it when we return the favor?" Luna said with a snicker.

"I'm serious! You don't play around with something like this." Derrick said as his legs started shaking more.

"Thou means like this?" Luna said, her magic glowing brighter for a moment making Derrick whimper and moan.

Twilight tilted her head in confusion, as she couldn't see what body part Luna was grabbing.

"Please... stop..." Derrick begged.

"Aww, but thou makes cute faces." Luna said with a giggle.

"Stop..." Derrick moaned, taking in a sharp breath.

"The sounds art cute too." Luna adds.

"OK, we're even! Stop it!" Derrick barks in frustration.

"Then release our wings from thine grip"

"You first!"

"We shall count to three and release them at the same time."

"OK"

"1"

"2"

"3"

Derrick released Luna's wings, while Luna's horn stopped glowing. The two quickly got up and dusted themselves off. Then they gave each other a stern look, slowly narrowing their eyes.

"OK...we're even now... right?" Derrick asks.

"Yes of course." Luna mumbles. Derrick nods, then started walking back to To couch, followed by Luna. They sat down next to each other silently for a few moments, staring at the screen.

"Hey Luna."

"What is it human?"

"You make cute faces too." Derrick teased. Luna blushed and smiled for a moment until she noticed her sister snickering.

"You two are so adorable." Celestia commented. Luna slowly turned to Derrick with a frown.

"What?" He muttered. Next thing he knew, Luna gave him a firm punch in the shoulder. He clutched it in pain and rolled off the couch. "Ahhhh! What the hell was that for?" He barked.

Twilight shook her head and underlined the word "Tsundre" in her notes.

...

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck..." I groaned as a rolled onto my back.

"Sister apologize..." Celestia said in a disappointed tone as she put the controller down and got up to help me.

"Nay. There is no need." Luna said as she folded her hoofs.

"I don't understand you Luna." I muttered.

"We do not wish for thine understanding." She with an angry snort. What's her problem all of a sudden? I was going to retort, but I decided against it because I'm seriously in enough pain as it is right now. My back feels like it’s been ground to dust by Luna's cheeks of steel and my shoulder feels dislocated. Celestia offers a hoof to help me up and I take it without hesitation.

"Are you alright?" Celestia asks.

"Your sister has a mean arm… I mean foreleg." I say quietly.

"Yes... For your safety, i would avoid making her use it." Celestia suggested.

"OK...compliments are bad now." I say with a blank look.

"She's very... complicated"

"I just think she needs a chill pill."

"We can hear thou speaking! Luna shouted.

"Hey, do me a favor and keep the salt over there, it’s getting in my eyes." I quipped. Luna growled and glared at me, her wings flaring at her sides for a moment.

"Derrick what did I just say?" Celestia asked with a raised brow.

"Oh yeah, sorry Tia. I can't help myself sometimes because i have this permanent condition."

"What condition?" she asked with a flat brow.

"Being an asshole" i said with a straight face. Celestia slowly nodded and cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Well… ok then. You should lay down." She says as she puts a hoof on my other shoulder.

"I guess..." I say with a shrug. She sits back down on the couch and I sit next to her, making sure Celestia was between Luna and I. With a quiet groan of pain I settle down in the chair. I watch Celestia play the Xbox.

"Where the hell did you learn to play like that?" I ask as I observe her deadly accuracy.

"I'm honestly not sure. I just aim and fire." She says simply as she kills another target.

"You do realize you have score streaks right?"

"Score streaks?" Celestia says with a puzzled expression.

"You've gotta press the D-pad." I say as I Lean forward and reach my arm across her. I grunt as I gently tap the D-pad on the controller.

-Orbital care package inbound-

"See? Pick it up when it drops." I said as I leaned back. Celestia slowly turned and gave me a look I couldn't read. Well actually now that I really look I can see a faint blush but that's it.

"Something wrong?" I ask.

"Um… no. Thank you for the assistance." She said as she turned back. She still had that blank look on her face, but I could tell that something was on her mind. This became especially apparent when I noticed her miss a shot for the first time since I got here.

"There goes your 100% accuracy." I joked. After an odd amount of time, she finally responded.

"Yes, I agree." She muttered. I did a double take and stared at her.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Oh... I was just... nothing." Celestia said with a nervous smile. I look at her suspiciously and she quickly turns back to the game. Hmmm... not sure what that's about. I sighed and looked at my left shoulder. There was a huge hoof shaped bruise on it. Why is Luna always hurting me? At least she didn't kick me in the balls again right?

Celestia ended the match with yet another victory and sat back.

"Ok, I think that's enough for now." Celestia said as she put the controller down and got up. She walked in the kitchen and I sat there rubbing my bruise.

"Art thou going to play?" Luna asked.

"Maybe." I reply blankly.

"We wish to see how thou plays the game." Luna said as she passed me the controller. I sigh and roll my eyes. I set up a fast SMG class, because speed is everything to me in these types of games.

"Why art thou using the small weapon?"

"Because it shoots fast, makes me run fast, reloads faster, aims fast." I explain.

"But it doth not do much damage."

"So?"

"So...thou should select the weapon with the most damage."

"That depends on the range, and damage isn't everything."

"Well, it appears that thy thinks speed is everything"

"I like to be fast, you like to do more damage, they're just preferences. They design the game so that both of us are still on equal footing... Well they TRY to."

"Hm. The match begins." Luna said, pointing to the screen.

"Oh, right." I mutter as I start to play. I picked search in destroy just because I haven't played it in a while.

"Dammit." I curse as I was the first to go down on my team. Luna starts laughing her ass off.

"We could do better than that! " She taunts.

"Oh, shut up... I have to warm up." I muttered.

"Excuses..." Luna muttered, shaking her head. Then she gave my shoulder a light tap.

"Aw, dammit! Again with the shoulder?!" I barked.

"Oh, we apologize!" Luna said nervously. I grumbled and turned back to the game. My anger and pain seemed to fuel my skills, because the next round I single handily wiped out the enemy team. There was basically more of that until my team inevitably won.

"Welp, I'm done" I say as I Toss the controller aside. Luna eyes widen and she scoots closer.

"Did thou purchase the new controllers?" She asked worriedly.

"Of course I did they're in the car." I say as I sink into the chair a bit, wincing as pain shoots up my back.

"We wish to play the halo." she said with pleading eyes.

"Not right now...I feel like shit." I said with a pained expression.

"But we've waited all day Master." She said with puppy eyes.

"Luna I..." I trailed off.

Don't fucking look at her!

'Too late'

"Dammit...Ok, Ok fine. I'll get the stuff." I said as I grabbed my keys and pushed myself up with a groan. I unlocked the car remotely, then started to shuffle over to the door.

"Fucking ponies." I whispered under my breath. Before I could open the door Cadence decided to come down the stairs.

"Don't you worry about the stuff in the car. I'll get it for you." Cadence said as she walked over to me. I looked down at her with a neutral expression.

"What were you doing upstairs?" I ask with a raised brow.

"Nothing." She says as she finishes off a cucumber my shoving it lengthwise into her mouth.

Dirty thoughts...

DIRTY MOTHERFUCKIN THOUGHTS… AGAIN!

"That seems to be your answer for everything." I say with a flat brow. She just flashes that cute smile of hers and walks past me.

"Don't forget to use the spell." I call out to her as she opens the door and walks out

"I know, silly." She said with a giggle. She opened the trunk and took the bags out of it, then she returned to the house. She came inside and i locked the door.

"Thanks Cadence." I say as I go back over to the couch and sit down. She says you're welcome as I close my eyes for a second. Next thing I know, there was a plate with a hot and steamy fish sandwich in my face. I looked up and saw Celestia smiling at me.

"Thanks Tia." I said with a grin as I accepted the plate.

"You're welcome. " She said with a warm smile. She sat down next to me and i proceed to eat one of the best fish sandwiches I've had in a long time. Meanwhile, Cadence was taking the stuff out of the bags. Luna watched excitedly until Cadence pulled out the Wii U box.

"What is that?" Luna wondered with a flat brow.

"It's a Wii U. Another game system like the Xbox" I explained.

"But thou already owns the Xbox, why purchase another system?" She asked clueless.

"Because some systems have games that are exclusive to them."

"Why not just hath every game available on every system. Would that not be easier?"

"Yeah, it would; but then there wouldn't be any competition. Or reason to buy one over the other." I say. Luna takes a moment to consider that before shrugging and laying back again. I would be setting the Wii-U up right about now if I didn't feel like death. She looked over to the table where Cadence was laying the Xbox controllers out.

"Thou hath four controllers now." Luna comments.

"Yes, how observant of you..." I quip.

"So four of us can play the Xbox simultaneously?" She asks, sitting up.

"Depends on the game but yeah." I said sheepishly. Luna gasped and started to smile.

"So four of us can play halo?" She asked, scooting closer.

"Yeah, but I don't think..." I started.

"TIA!" She barked.

"Yes sister?" Celestia said as she sat next to me.

"We wish for thou to play with us!"

"Sure, why not." Celestia said with a shrug. Hmmm... did I just feel her shrug? How the hell....oh. Celestia's wing was wrapped around me and I was tucked quite close to her. I slowly turned to her and she was smiling down on me.

Should I be worried about this?

'Nah'

Ok, I can let this slide since we've been closer than this. Besides, she's so goddamn soft! Better than any pillow I've ever slept on. When pain shot through my back again Celestia brought me closer, her softness easing the pain. If she keeps this up... I'm going to... fall... asl-

"Derrick!" Luna suddenly exclaimed jerking me up and causing more pain.

"Nnng... Whatttt?" I asked, sitting up. Luna simply pointed to the TV where she had halo ready.

"Help us set up our rematch with thou." She said excitedly. I looked at her sadly and sighed.

"Luna... look, I know you really wanted to play, but right now I'm seriously not in the mood." I explained. Luna's excitement faded from her face making me feel like an asshole. "My neck and back hurt like hell, my shoulder is sore and I'm pretty sleepy." I added. Luna's ears drooped down.

"Would thou play if we helped thou feel more comfortable?" She asked with some hope.

"I guess." I said with a shrug which I regretted immediately because of the pain.

"Then we shall help thou relax!" She boomed.

"You could start by cutting down your volume." I muttered as my ears rang with her voice.

"Sorry." She squeaked.

"Man I could use a drink..." I muttered as chuckled and shook my head.

"That can be arranged.." Celestia said with a smirk. I tilted my head and looked up at her with a raised brow.

"Yes, please sister, get him a drink!" Luna said frantically. Celestia nodded and slowly stood up. The absence of her soft wing made pain shoot through my body once again. A few moments later Cadence walked over and stood in front of me. Before I could question what she was doing, she plopped down right on my lap.

"Um, what are you doing?" I ask as my cheeks light up. Unlike Twilight, who laid across my lap on her side, Cadence is sitting upright. She turned her head slightly and gave me bedroom eyes.

"You don't mind if I... sit here right?" She asked in a sultry tone that sent chills down my spine.

"Uh... I... um" I stuttered. I could barely think straight because her rump was right against my crotch. Focus Derrick! Use your words!

'I don't mind if she sits here..'

You know what? Fuck it! Me neither!

'Wow...for once we agree.'

Go figure.

"Sure..." I say nervously. She smiles and lays her head back, resting it on my good shoulder.

"Thank you DJ." She says in this sweet voice that thrills me. She gives me this irresistibly sexy look as she nuzzles my cheek.

My god that face!

'Makes all the pain go away'

Thanks for reminding me asshole...

I wince slightly as I adjust my position. Cadence looks at me with worry.

"Are you sure you don't want me to heal you?" She asks.

"No, I'll be fine." I say with a reassuring smile. I glance over to Twilight and she's going mad with that quill. I was going to ask, but Celestia came back with a bottle and a shot glass.

"I apologize for the delay. It was difficult to find." She said as she sat down next to us.

"Nah’ its cool." I muttered. Celestia stretched her wing out once more and wrapped it around Cadence and I. Celestia used her magic to pour me a glass and offered it to me.

"Thanks Tia." I said as I didn't hesitate to down the glass.

"You are always welcome." She said with a warm motherly smile.

"Art thou ready to play now?" Luna asked with a bemused look. I look around then start to nod.

"Yep." I reply with a content smile.

"Huzzah!" Luna exclaims.

"Volume!" I bark back. Luna smiles nervously as I grumble.

"Twilight sparkle? Doth thou wish to be player four?" Luna asked. Twilight thought for a moment before nodding.

"OK, I'll try it out." Twilight says. Luna claps her hoofs together and giggles excitedly. Luna uses her magic to pass out the controllers to all of us. When I get mine, I wrap my arms around Cadence's waist and let my hands rest in her lap. She produces a low purr and I chuckle.

They're so.... fucking... Cute!

I start the somewhat tedious process of signing everyone in first.

"OK Tia, Twi, Think of a gamer tag."

"Gamer tag?" Twilight says, perplexed.

"Just a little Nickname or something" I say.

"Hmm..." Twilight says as she rubs her chin.

"I'll get back to you. Tia you got anything?" I ask.

"No... I'm quite tempted to just put my real name." Celestia says.

"Come on don't be lame like Luna."

"We heard that human!"

"Hm. Wait I have the perfect name for you." I said with a smirk.

"What?" Celestia asks.

"Sun butt." I say with a shit eating grin. Celestia stares at me for a moment and eventually shrugs.

"Sure, why not." She muttered.

"Heh... OK... Got anything Twi? I ask" turning back to her.

"How do I even halo?" She says to herself as she frantically swipes at the tablet.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a tutorial on how to play halo." She says. I watch her with a deadpan look for a few more moments before slowly shaking my head.

"You're such an egghead Twi..." I muttered, making her sigh.

"Rainbow used to call me that all the time." She said in an annoyed tone.

"Perfect! That's your tag!"

"Wait, no!"

...

After the set up, we loaded into a quick, free for all match on halo 3.

"Everyone ready?" I Ask, as I crack my knuckles.

"I'm not familiar with this game." Celestia said.

"It's not that different from call of duty. You'll be fine." I mutter.

"Prepare to taste-"

"Luna, stuff it…"

"Oh, so that's how you use the melee attack..." Twilight muttered out loud as she kept looking from the tablet to the controller. The match finally started and we all started to move around. Barely even 10 seconds passed before Tia opened her mouth.

"Where is my sniper rifle?" She asked.

"Weapons spawn on the map and you have to find them. You can't just choose whatever you like" I explained.

"How tedious..." Celestia says with disappointment.

"That's halo for ya." I say with a chuckle. In the game I turned the corner and encountered Luna.

"There thou art!" She announces as she starts firing at me. Unfortunately, I was a bit sluggish, so all I could do was throw a grenade before she killed me.

-Luna killed DJ flak-

-First strike!-

"Ha ha! We hath vanquished thou..." She started to say until the grenade I tossed attached itself to her face.

-DJ flak killed Luna-

Luna sat completely still and stared at the screen. Her mane started to flow a bit faster than usual and her eye twitched ever so slightly.

"If you break that controller, you're banned from the Xbox." I warn. Luna says nothing and goes back to playing. Nothing much happens for a couple seconds until I hear a faint giggle come from Celestia.

'Watch your head Mate-'

-Sunbutt killed DJ Flak-

-Sunbutt killed Luna-

-Sunbutt killed Egghead-

We all practically drop our controllers as we slowly turn to the smug alicorn princess.

"I found the sniper rifle." She announced. I Sighed in annoyance and tapped Cadence.

"Hit me again Cadence" I say. Cadence giggles and pours another shot for me.

So...that's how this match is going to go huh?

'Come on man; have a little bit of faith...'

...

Celestia proceeded to ROFL stomp us into the ground, until her sniper rifle ran out of ammo. After that I kept her strictly under control by taking the shotgun and keeping the area where the sniper rifle spawns on lock down.

"Did you have fun on your pedestal Tia?" I asked.

"Are you having fun on yours?" She shot back in an annoyed tone.

"Oh, you're salty Tia?" I tease.

"No, I am not 'salty'" she claims.

"Uh huh. Sure, you're not." I say as I take her down with a shotgun again. She growls then turns to Luna.

"Sister, I would like to propose a temporary truce." She said.

"A truce?" Luna's says, looking at Celestia.

"Yes. Derrick is preventing me from acquiring the sniper rifle. And because he has control of the sniper rifle I noticed that he's been using it to keep you from acquiring the rocket launcher. Celestia said.

"So if we assist thee... "

"You get the rocket launcher."

"Very well. We accept thine truce." Luna said with a firm nod.

"Oh Heeeeeell no! Are you seriously going to double team me?" I say as I look at both of them and frown.

"Absolutely." Celestia said with a smirk.

"Oh you dirty motherfu-" I started to say. I was interrupted by a grenade going off next to me which took half of my shield. I jumped to the side to avoid the second frag then both of them hopped out cover. Luna was carrying duel SMG's while Celestia had a battle rifle. I got caught up in their fire, allowing them to make short work of my remaining shields before I could get to cover. Now I was pinned down and they were closing in. I tossed a frag to soften them up and make them backpedal, Celestia takes most of the damage.

Right as I was wondering where the hell Twilight was I heard the telltale sound of a spartan laser charging, then 5 seconds later the red laser arced out and grazed Celestia's shoulder popping her shields.

"Thank you!" I exclaim as I pop out from cover and rush forward. One shotgun blast was enough to take care of Celestia. Then Luna and I went at each other. I popped her shields with a shotgun blast while she peppers at my shields with the SMG. Unfortunately, she punched me to death before I could finish her off.

"Woooooooow" I groaned with a deadpan expression.

"Ha ha! Sister return to us quickly." Luna said.

"That was complete bullshit! You girls play dirty now?" I say with a frown.

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Celestia said with a smirk.

"Pfff... Twi!"

"Yes?"

"Where have you been this whole time?" I ask. Because she hasn't been doing much up until now.

"Oh, I just finished the video tutorial." She said, gesturing to the tablet which was face down next to her for once.

"Good. We're on teams now." I said.

"We are?" She said, her head tilted slightly.

"Yep. Only way to beat Sunbutt and Moonbooty." I muttered.

"What did thy call us?!" Luna blurted.

"You heard me." I said with a smirk.

"Well, what do we do now?" Twi asked.

"We take the sniper mound back." I said. Twilight nodded and started targeting Luna again.

"Sister hurry!" Luna said as she frantically dodged Twilight's attacks.

"I'm on my way!" Celestia informed. Meanwhile, I decided to pick Twilight up in a vehicle. I quickly searched for the nearest Warthog then drove over to her location. I was pleasantly surprised when Twilight manned the turret without me saying anything. She started firing at Celestia and Luna's elevated position while I started to circle the place.

"Finally! Why did thou take so long?" Luna asked with irritation.

"You should be more patient sister, slow and steady wins the race." Celestia said.

"But they hath us pinned down!" Luna complained.

"Hush. I brought presents." Celestia said. A few moments later they both started to laugh like every movie villain ever.

"What's so funny?" I regrettably ask. What I heard next answered my question.

"Is that a rocket?" Twilight asks with wide eyes.

"Yep, and it’s heading right for us!" I said as I made a sharp turn in an attempt to avoid it. The rocket missed us and hit the ground half a foot next to us, heavily damaging us and sending us flipping. Thankfully, the halo physics gods were on our side this time because we stopped upright.

"That was close!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, but it’s not over.." I replied as I went to circle back toward them. When we got a bit closer the second rocket came at us. I knew we weren't fast enough to escape this one.

"Bail!" I snapped. Twilight and I exited the vehicle just in time for the rocket to slam into the side of it and destroy it. It flipped into the air a few feet, then slammed into the ground, a burning husk. Twilight and I didn't have time to recover because Luna started opening fire with a machine gun turret that Celestia dragged over. With no other cover we were forced to hide behind our vehicle wreck.

"This is very bad!" Twilight said with worry.

"Oh well no shit sherlock!" I snapped back.

"Come out from thine hiding spot little nooblets!" Luna taunted as she laughed like a witch while keeping us pinned down.

"Alright, listen this vehicle is going to despawn soon, so we need to move."

"But the moment we leave, she will cut us down!" Twilight pointed out.

"We have to think of something fast! What weapons do you have left?" I asked.

"A spartan laser and assault rifle. But the spartan laser is out of ammunition" Twilight said.

"Doesn't matter. Sun butt wouldn't give you 5 seconds to charge it anyways." I comment.

"Good point."

"Shit, all I have is an SMG and a magnum."

"Then what do we do?" Twilight asked. I thought for a few moments, then I remembered something about the spot Celestia and Luna were hiding in. A smile slowly crept its way onto my face.

"Ok, I have a plan." I said as I switched to my magnum.

"And that plan is?"

"Just Run and shoot" I ordered. A second later the wrecked warthog disappeared, exposing us. Twilight and I started running. She ran one way, firing her assault rifle while I ran the other way. You see I know for a fact that Tia has her scope trained on my face already so I have to make this one shot count. I aimed, not for the turret using Luna nor the sniper carrying Sun butt, but for the explosive fusion coils at their feet.

Everything happened in an instant.

I fired my shot and Celestia fired hers, both of our aim were true. A sniper round hit me square in the face right as my bullet struck a fusion coil previously damaged by Twilight, resulting in a chain reaction that blew The sister’s sky high, earning me a double kill from the grave. Celestia and Luna both slowly turned to me.

"Aww man... Did I blow you to hell and scatter your weapons everywhere? My bad." I said casually. I kept my mouth shut after that because I felt the wing she had wrapped around us tense.

"Yes! Rockets acquired!" Twilight said with a happy giggle as she picked up Luna's rocket launcher, which still had 2 rockets left. The sisters slowly turned to each other.

"We do not like this game."

"Me neither," Celestia responded as I looted the sniper rifle off the floor. Twilight and I proceeded to make Celestia and Luna our bitches for the rest of the match. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, Celestia still came out on top. She made sure to rub it in my face.

"How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

"To taste victory... Then have it snatched away from you?"

"Pretty damn good" I reply carelessly. Celestia frowns and I chuckle.

"We demand a rematch!" Luna blurted.

"Fine. We will go again. Except this time we'll actually be on teams." I said as I enabled the team option making us red and blue.

"This time we wish for Twilight sparkle to be our partner"

"What I'm not good enough for you, sister?" Celestia said with a hurt look.

"Thou cost us a victory." Luna said as she raised her nose and looked away.

"You're blaming me?!" Celestia said with outrage. I frowned and did something that usually works on Tom. I flicked Celestia's ear, making her yelp and frown at me.

"Hush Tia its just a game." I said.

"Right..." She muttered, rubbing her ear with her hoof.

After the match loaded up I took a deep breath. As I was about to start moving someone smacked me in the back and I fell forward, dead.

-Betrayal-

"What the fuck Tia?!" I shouted

"Oh, my apologies, I thought you were Luna" She said with a snicker.

"Like hell you did! I'm the only other red guy here! And Luna doesn't have a big-ass katana on her back!"

"Salty?" Celestia said with a shit eating grin.

"Grrrrah!" I grumbled loudly.

"Oh, it’s just a game Derrick, don't fret." Celestia said with a straight face. My eye twitches as I process the bullshit.

My god she's a troll...

'Trollestia'

New nickname confirmed.

"Now I still have to get you back for ruining my killing spree" she says as she smacks me down again the moment I respawn.

"Cadence be a dear and hit me again please"

"You had Two already, Shouldn't you slow down?" Cadence asked.

"What are you, a lightweight? I'm going to need a lot more to tolerate the bullshit that's about to transpire within the confines of this bullshit containing match."

"Um... alright... If you say so.." Cadence said as she poured me another.

"Good. Now shake your hips"

"What?"

"Nothin’."

...

After a few more drinks, couple dozen more bullshit matches containing various bullshit rules and numerous bullshit outcomes. The girls and I were all bullshitted out. We got to the point where all of us were yawning and we knew it was time for us all to turn in.

"Well... that was fun" Twilight said with a content sigh.

"It certainly looked fun. Maybe I'll give it a shot too sometime." Cadence said as she stretched her wings.

"Yeah, and if you do I'll give you a shot… in the head." I quip.

"Thou art all formidable opponents as well as honorable comrades. However, we must remind thee that we wiped the floor with thou." Luna claimed.

"My collection of headshot medals says hello." Celestia said with a cough.

"Hahaha she roasted your ass." I said with drunken laughter.

"Very well...thou shall truly taste defeat next time." She said with another yawn. "We art going to bed. Goodnight every pony." she said, walking away toward her room.

"Me too. Goodnight every pony." Twilight said as she started walking up the stairs.

"Goodnight." Cadence said as she got up off of me. I leaned forward slowly and reached for the unfinished liquor bottle. Before I could grab it, I saw the thing float away toward the kitchen, much to my dismay.

"Ah, ah, ah! No more of that for you. Wouldn't want you waking up cranky and suffering from a hangover would we?" Cadence said as she shook her head. I glared at her and sat up.

"You're not my mother..." I start to say.

"Tonight I am." Cadence said with a giggle. I sigh and roll my eyes as the drink gets put away.

"Now make sure you get some good sleep little one." Cadence teased as she walked by and nuzzled me.

"Oh hush you Technicolor freak. We're the same age." I respond bitterly.

"Awww, you don't really mean that." Cadence says, giving me a quick peck on the lips, catching me off guard.

"Stop doing that!" I almost shout as she giggles and goes up the stairs, leaving me with a very quiet Celestia, who I've been using as warm and cozy cushion for the past few hours. I slowly turned my head and looked up at her, she was just staring silently down at me.

"Again with the 'I ain't showing any emotion' face?’" I ask bluntly. Celestia's eyes widen slightly.

"Cadence... She kissed you..." Celestia said with a grim tone.

"Yeah, and?"

"Have you two gotten closer?" She asked worriedly.

"What do you mean? You’re closer than she is..." I reply ignorantly.

"I-I don't mean literal proximity… I meant... uhg...never mind " Celestia said, shaking off something.

"Well, I'm sleepy now so; move, please, and thank you." I say with a shooing motion. Celestia sighs and slips from under me allowing me the space to lay down. Not even this drunken haze can block the strain and pain it takes to lay down flat. Celestia watches with a sad expression as I cringe and painfully adjust myself.

"You should get some sleep Tia." I say. I sit there for a few seconds before my bladder slapped me in the face. I stood up with a painful grunt.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"Hafta take a piss." I mumble as I walk over to the stairs. As I attempt to walk up the pain begins to get to almost unbearable levels. I heard Celestia walking up behind me, then a few moments later I felt an odd sensation. I yelped and turn to Celestia who had picked me up with her forelegs.

"What are you doing?" I squeak.

"Helping you." She replied simply. Cradling me like a child Her beautiful angel like wings carried us to the top of the stairs, then down the hallway to the bathroom, she set me down gently on my feet and I stared at her wide eyed.

"Are you alright?" She asked with mother like concern.

"Uh huh... thanks for the er... ride" I say as I slip into the bathroom.

"You are always welcome." She replies through the door.

Their super strength is really weird! She just picked a grown man up like a feather! I should probably remember important shit like this when I'm taunting her and being a dick in general. I finished my piss and came out of the bathroom to see Celestia waiting for me. She had that goddamn mask again so I couldn't tell what she was thinking. I just smiled and gave her back a light Pat.

"Night Tia." I say with a wave as I walk toward the stairs. She just sat there quietly gazing at me with those pretty magenta eyes of hers that seemed to shimmer in the darkness. I slowly and carefully grab the stair rail and look down at the bottom.

I swear if the writer makes me fall down these stairs one more godda-

"Derrick?" Celestia called out.

"Yeah?" I respond, turning back to face her.

"I think you should sleep in your bed tonight." She said as she came over to me.

"No, I’ll be fine Tia. Go to sleep" I say. She frowns and I turn to walk down the stairs. Before I even make the first step I found myself surround in that familiar Golden light. Oh, what is it this time?

"Please Derrick. Sleeping on that couch will only make your back worse." She said, floating me over and setting me down in front of her.

"I'll be fine." I say with a serious tone.

"I don't like to see you in pain. So you have two options." She says with authority. I fold my arms and scoff.

"Option 1, you let me heal you."

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Uh...reasons..."

"What reasons exactly?"

"It's um...G14 classified." I say, avoiding her hard stare.

"Do you not trust me?"

"I do it’s just… Personal, ok?" I say nervously. Celestia sighs and brings her hoof to her face.

"Very well, option two it is." She says.

"And that is?"

"You're sleeping in your bed tonight." she states.

"Yeaaaaah no. As much as I miss my bed, making a Princess sleep on the couch is unacceptable." I say. I start to walk away, but I didn't get very far, because fuck you, I'm an alicorn.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. I cannot sleep well knowing you are suffering on the couch." She says in a motherly tone.

"Well… I can't sleep knowing that royalty is sleeping on a couch while I sleep in my cozy bed" I shot back. Celestia sighs and we sit there in silence for a few moments.

"Well… there is another option." She says, rubbing her chin in thought. I raise my brow in suspicion as she looks at me with inviting eyes. It took me a few seconds to process that.

"Oh, no, no, no! I am NOT that drunk." I say, taking a step back from her.

"It's for your own good Derrick."

"Uh… I'll be better without that.."

"Have you forgotten you've been laying on me this entire time?" She asked with a deadpan expression.

"N...no...it's different." I say, tapping my fingers together.

"Different how? Is it because of the...activities...that can happen in the bedroom?"

"Yeah..." I say, my heart rate shooting up.

"Well… I assure you No such activities will take place..." She started to say before a sly smirk crossed her muzzle.

She's so sexy when she does that...

'Were we agreeing again? I'm starting to worry!'

"Unless of course you're volunteering..." She says with bedroom eyes. My cheeks heat up and I avoid her intoxicating gaze in fear of being hypnotized.

"Of course not." I say with a gulp. She giggles and wraps a wing around me.

"I'm just kidding Derrick. You should see the faces you make." She teases.

"God damn magical horse..." I muttered, making her snicker.

"Let's go lay down. I'm sure neither of us want to sleep on the couch tonight." Celestia says.

Wait! I didn't agree to this!

'Yes, you did.'

When!?

'The moment you started walking'

I truly am a fucking moron.

'You're also a drunk one'

By the time I realized what I was doing We'd already walked in and closed the door. Celestia walked over and hopped onto the bed she let out a satisfied yawn, stretching in every direction Possible. When she was done, she relaxed and spread her wings, then looked at me with those hypnotic eyes.

"What are you waiting for friend?" She asked with a smile as she gently Pat a spot on the bed next to her.

Don't fucking do it!

'But the booty-'

Is off fucking limits!

I hesitate for a bit before slowly getting onto the bed. I laid down and made sure I was as far away from her as possible. Unfortunately, she is a large pony so that didn't leave much empty space.

"So you plan to stay on the edge?" Celestia asks knowingly.

"Yeah, pretty much" I said honestly.

"Hmm, I see... Well, when you swallow your pride and want to cuddle, feel free to scoot over." She says before turning over. And facing her back toward me.

"Goodnight!" I bark, making her giggle.

"Goodnight Derrick." She says kindly. After that we both fall silent and I take a deep breath. First, I would like to say I am SOOO glad I did this because that couch would have ruined my back forever. Second... Why is Celestia....so...hm...what's the word...

Majestic?

'Because she's a goddess?'

Right... kinda forgot.

Anyway, I was about to let sleepy embrace me when my phone suddenly started ringing. Celestia's ears twitched and she slowly turned to me. I just lazily fished my phone out of my pocket and sat up. I answered my phone without looking at the number and took a deep breath.

"Talk." I say flaty.

"Hey, what's up DJ." The voice on the other end of the line. My eyes widened as the voice registered in my head.

"Austin?" I said, sitting up slightly.

"Yep, what's going on?" He asks. Before I can reply Celestia moves over to me.

"What are you doing?" She asks loudly.

"Hey, hush!" I say as I cover her mouth, muffling the rest of her words.

"Um....who was that?" Austin asks.

"Nobody." I reply without thought.

"Uh huh. Certainly sounded like nobody." Austin says, his sarcasm dripping through the speaker.

"Nobody." I say again as I give Tia a stern look and a quiet shush.

"Who are you hushing DJ?"

"Nobody!" I repeat.

"You know... You were always a terrible liar."

"I swear dude" I try to say convincingly.

"You did that a lot too." Austin quips.

"Look its a long story man..." I say with a sigh as I use my freehand to pinch my nose.

"Lucky for you I don't have time. I have to keep this call short." He informs.

"Alright, shoot."

"Well, next week I'm going to be on paid leave for two weeks, I have to wait for my plane to fly out Thursday. Was planning on coming up there. I need a ride from the airport as usual." He says. My heart rate starts to pick up as he talks.

"OK... um sure... I gotcha dude." I say nervously.

"Great! I'll be there next Thursday at Twenty hundred hours." He says.

"Speak English man..." I muttered as I rub my forehead.

"My bad, force of habit. It's not hard to convert dude."

"I'm too lazy to think man.." I say.

"Twenty hundred hours is 8 o clock" Tia whispers. I frown and flick her nose making her pout quietly.

"Well, for you civilians that would be 8 o clock." Austin says.

"Yeah, I gotcha Captain..."

"You mean lieutenant."

"Whatever."

"Hey… there is a HUGE difference- and branch... Anyways, I need you to repeat what I'm asking for out loud."

"What? Why?"

"Maybe it will actually penetrate your thick skull this time."

"Oh...you're salty about last time still?"

"You had me waiting for 8 hours DJ… Why the hell wouldn’t I be still mad!"

"Dude, I forgot!"

"Sure you did..."

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes its completely necessary..."

"Ok, fine." I say in annoyance as I clear my throat.

"Say the words." Austin says. I can practically see him on the other end getting closer to listen.

"I will pick you up from the airport next Thursday at 8:00." I say like an automaton.

"Sharp." He adds.

"Hey man I'm never late to stuff."

"Unless you're going to get me, then you take you're goddamn time."

"Heh sorry dude." I say.

"If I walk out and don't see you there after 5 minutes, you owe me lunch" he states.

"Well... I kinda owe you lunch anyways. For serving and shit" I remind.

"Right. I already called Zeb. He's off on a business trip again." Austin informs.

"He's gone so much that I always forget the guy even lives up the block" I say with a chuckle.

"Yep, so I'll have the place to myself for a bit"

"Not that that matters anyway. You'll probably just be at my place anyways" I point out.

"Yeah… maybe. Sounded like you already have company in attendance bud..." He taunts.

"I told you it was nobody!" I regrettably blurt.

"Lie again." Austin dares.

"Long story...."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's quite the fairy tale" he says sarcastically.

"Yep, with magical talking pony princesses and everything" I muttered.

"Er....OK. Can't wait to hear it. But I have to go for now."

"Alright see ya dude."

"Peace, I'll be in touch."

And with that he hung up the phone. I plugged it up and laid it on my dresser next to me. I laid on my back and turned my head to face Tia.

"What were you doing just now?" Celestia asks as she stares at me curiously.

"I was using my cell phone."

"Cellphone?"

"It's a human communication device that lets you talk to people long distances"

"Really? How?" She asks adopting a face that reminds me too much of Twilight.

"I'll explain that another time." I muttered, making her ears droop in disappointment.

"So this Austin guy, is he family?" She asks.

"Oh no, he's an old friend of mine. He kinda feels like family now." I say, thinking of all the time we've spent together.

"And he's coming here?" She asks.

"Kind of...he'll be a block away, but he usually... Hangs around… here...." I say trailing off.

...

...

...

"SHIT!"

"What's wrong? You don't look to Happy about your friend visiting" she says.

"Of course I'm happy! We don't get to hang much because of his soldier stuff, but if he finds out about you guys we're fucked!" I say frantically. Tia wraps a hoof and a wing around me.

"Shh...it's alright Derrick." She says in her smooth motherly tone.

"N... no its not... He's going to find out.." I choke.

"Maybe he will, maybe he won't, it doesn't matter, because right now you should be focused on relaxing my adorable friend." She says as she rubs her hoof across my face.

"I guess you're right, Tia."

"I know I am."

"He did say next week not this week, so I still have a few days to sort things out"

"Yes, you do." she says as she layes her head down on my chest, cushioning it with her mane.

"Alright then...good night" I say, closing my eyes

"Good night again my dear friend." She says warmly. We sat there for a few seconds until my eyes shot open.

"Scoot over!" I shout.

"I'm not moving Derrick." Celestia says without opening her eyes.

"Get off!"

"No Derrick, accept my cuddles!" She says playfully as she pulls me closer.

"Never!" I claim. I was about to pinch her ear or do something equally painful when I suddenly felt insanely relaxed. She's so soft fluffy and warm...and...

I could get used to this!

'Amen to that'

"Alright, you win you adorable mother fucker" I say in defeat as I start scratching her ear. She purrs happily making me smile.

"Well, your elaborate plan to get me in bed with you worked" I quip. Celestia laughs nervously.

"What are you implying? I'm simply looking out for your well being." She claims.

"Uh huh...and that includes touching my ass?" I say blankly.

"Oh... I didn't mean to put my hoof there."

"Sure you didn't Tia."

"Well, I was just following your example."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"Derrick....Where is your hand right now ?"

"..."

"I thought so"

"Well... I honestly don't plan to remove it"

"I don't either"

"Heh. I like you Tia, you're pretty funny"

"I try"

"That sound you're making is cute as hell too"

"You're cute as hell"

"Woah there, you've been hanging around me too much"

"Well...I don't think we've done it nearly enough"

"That can be arranged..."

"I like the sound of that..."

"I'm still going to kick your fat ass for this tomorrow"

"I won't make you breakfast then"

"Fine, fine. You win"

"I always do."

"Unless its halo."

"Don't even start..."

"Just hush SunButt and enjoy the moment"

"Oh trust me, I am"

We sat silently, the only sound was her quiet purring. I scratched behind her ear until i felt the cold embrace of sleep.

Author's Notes:

Notes: hey! Sorry, this one took a while! I was distracted and lazy. Anyways, I'm going to start bringing in some of DJ's friends, so be ready for that. This Austin character actually belongs to my editor tho.