Chapter 2: First morning

I jerked awake unpleasantly, my heart jumping, sweating and breathing heavily. I basically had one of those stupid moments when you feel like you're falling in bed, then you freak out until you realize you're not. Damn. I feel like absolute shit. Its like fucking 9 am so I only slept for like 7 hours? Not that bad I guess. I sat up in my bed and yawned.

In my bed...

In my bed?

IN MY BED!!!

Didn't I sleep on the couch? Why the fuck am I in the bed? Did I get up in the middle of the night and come upstairs? Wait no...forget that! Wasn't CELESTIA sleeping here!? I quickly jumped out of bed in horror. Only to realize she wasn't even in the bed.

Thank god.

This is really strange. What if all that crap yesterday was just a dream? What if they werent really here? I quickly stretched and left my room, walking down the hallway and coming down the stairs. I heard the telltale sound of something frying on the stove and the wonderful smell of eggs. Last time I checked, Tom doesn't cook eggs soo... I guess everything WAS real.

Or some crazy bitch broke into my house to make me breakfast.

I took another step and suddenly felt something warm and furry under my feet. Then the sound of a cat meowing loudly jerked me out of my sleepy state and I lost my footing. I went crashing down the stairs once again.

"I fucking swear Tom! Do that shit ONE MORE TIME!" I barked, rubbing my back and grumbling In pain and annoyance. Tom just licked his paw and walked away somewhere, like he couldn't give less of a fuck. Fucking cat pisses me off, he's lucky I didn't fully step on him.

Suddenly I heard the sound of someone rushing over from the kitchen.

"Good morning Derrick! Are you alright?" I heard Celestia ask.

"*Grunt* morning to you too.... I'm fine..." I say as I stood hunched over with my hands on my knees grunting painfully.

"Are you certain?"

"Very certain..."

"You look....sore..."

"Probably because I fell down the stairs yesterday too.." I muttered.

"You did???" Celestia blurts in surprise.

"Yeah...your sister found it...'amusing'..."

"It would be...if you weren't in pain... Do you want me to heal you?"

"Please... No magic, I'll be alright.." I said, starting to get irritated. I stood up fully and stretched out my arms. Now I REALLY feel like shit.

"Well...if you say so..." Celestia said as she turns around and walks back toward the kitchen. I glance at her oddly, giving her a double take. Then I narrowed my eyes and immediately followed her in the kitchen. She was indeed frying eggs but I wasn't remotely worried about that at the time. Should I say something? I swear it wasn't like that yesterday! Her existence is impossible in the first place but this...this is just beyond logi-

*AHEM*

"Is there something you wanted?"

"Huh?" I say shaking my head in confusion.

"You've been staring at me for 2 minutes..." Celestia said with a slightly creeped out expression. Then she lowered her ears slightly.

"It's beginning to make me uncomfortable..." She added. I blinked a few times then narrowed my eyes.

"Please help me understand something here Princess..." I said blankly.

"Ok. What don't you understand?" She asked tilting her head.

"Well...how do I put this...." I say as I give her a hard look. She raised her brow and fumbled with the eggs.

"First of all. It WASN'T like that yesterday. Right?"

"What are you referring to?" She asks. Then she followed my gaze and it seemed to dawn on her because she blinked with realization.

"Yes, im talking about your fucking rainbow hair that flows in nonexistent wind!" I snap. She fixates me with a look I honestly can't read then starts to snicker.

"What? You think this is funny? I don't see any fans and I certainly don't see any fucking open windows! How Is it moving like that??" I almost yelled, making Celestia break out into full laughter. I exclaim in frustration, walk next to her and start looking in my cabinets. I need some fucking coffee.

"Fuckin...tall talking pegacorns..." I complained under my breath as I started up the coffee machine and got my coffee mug ready.

"Alicorns..." Celestia corrected with a giggle.

"Pegacorns, Unicorns, Alicorns, Candycorns WHATEVER!" I shot back in annoyance. Celestia started snickering again and I facepalmed.

"What's funny now?" I demand, glaring at her angrily.

"You have quite the temper..." She remarked, still snickering behind her hoof.

"What's so funny about that?" I say, my eye twitching slightly.

"You look adorable when you're angry." She said with a giggle. She moved her hoof and bopped me lightly on the nose, making me blush. I deadpanned and took my coffee to my living room area, shaking my head in annoyance. I took a few sips and let out a satisfied breath. I always hook my coffee up with all that milk, cream and sugar bullshit, its just so delicious!

"This is how I normally look by the way. My power is slowly starting to return." Celestia said from the kitchen. I turned around on my couch and glanced at her in the kitchen, raising my brow.

"That's NORMAL??" I exclaimed.

"Yes it is. What? You don't like it?" Celestia asked sarcastically, running a hoof through her hair. It almost looked... Transparent? And it sparkled and gleamed all over the place like a fuckin disco ball.

"Girls don't walk around with massless rainbow colored hair here..." I said blankly, getting Celestia to snicker.

"And for the record, I liked it better when it was just pink and not defying the laws of physics..." I add. Celestia giggles again and turns back to her eggs. Should I be worried about the fact that she's using the stove? Nah, it looks like she knows what she's doing.

"I suppose that's the closest to a compliment that I'll get..." Celestia said with a smirk that made me turn back and roll my eyes. That hair is just adding to the list of things that make me question my current mental state. I decided to watch a little TV before I played any Xbox because I'm still kinda sleepy. Then I remember something I wanted to ask her.

"Hey Princess?"

"Yes Derrick?"

"How the heck did I get back in my bed?"

"Oh! I woke up quite early out of habit and saw you sleeping on the couch. You did look rather uncomfortable, so I moved you back to your bed since I was no longer using it. " She explained with a sincere grin.

"Thanks?" I muttered awkwardly. I don't like the idea of these ponies watching me sleep, I hope she didn't do anything to me... I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

I grab the remote and glance up at my TV hanging on the wall a short distance from my couch. It's a 4k TV that I forgot the dimensions of and its just another thing I bought because I have no clue what to do with all the extra money I have now. I turn on the tv and it sparks to life. The first thing I see is the news. However... the top story was something... Disturbing.

*Scientists today are completely baffled. One of the biggest unexplainable events in history has happened. Ealier today the Sun rose an entire hour earlier than it should have. Currently scientists are investigating what may have caused this incredible phenomenon-*

My brain just crashed, you'll have to give me a minute here, bullshit overload, you know how it is...

...

...

...

*deep breath*

Ok.

Time to think.
4 strange magical horses...er ponies appear in my house. I repeat, MAGICAL ponies. Luna said she could move the MOON and I thought she was full of shit of course. Then Celestia said she could move the...the....

Oh....no....This bitch did not...

I slowly turned my head back to where Celestia was in the kitchen and she was staring blankly at the TV, looking completely guilty and mind blown. Then her gaze slowly shifted to me and her eyes widened. Her ears drooped down and she smiled nervously.

"Oops?" She said timidly. I stare at her wordlessy, unsure of what to do or say next. My hand wobbles and a drop of coffee spills, as anger slowly starts to rise. I take a long sip of coffee and set it on my coffee table with a heavy sigh. Then I look Celestia over again and slowly shake my head.

"Put...it...back..." Is all I said. Celestia nods and her horn flashes golden again. Is that really all it takes? Just a little glow and she can move a massive ball of raging plasma hundreds of thousands of miles away? Wait a second.... We orbit the sun... Which means that technically moving the sun would screw up our orbit...not change the time of-Fuck! OK OK! Freaking out again!

I start hyperventilating again and I sit, leaning forward with my head in my hands.

"Its gonna be cool DJ. The Princess put it back." I whispered to myself. Celestia nervously called from the kitchen.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah....yeah...I'm...cool..." I said calmly. Then I get this spine tingling feeling that goes through my body."Just trying not to go insane you know... Talking ponies was a lot to take in..." I said as I shakingly drink my coffee again. "I can't believe you moved the...fucking sun" I squeak timidly with a horrified expression as I began to shake again.

"Derrick what kind of eggs do you like?" Celestia asks, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Sunny side up..." I say before immediately face palming.

"Scrambleled" I correct. I couldn't see her reaction but I have to turn the news off because its not helping me fend off this freak out. Heh...scrambled eggs....like my fucking mind right now. I decided to start up my Xbox and play something to try and get my mind off of the fucking sun magic bullshit. Maybe murdering a few idiots online will make me feel better?

"What is that strange device anyway?" Celestia asked. I turned around and she was pointing at the TV.

"Its called a TV. Its a human entertainment device..." I said as I stand up and look through my games. I have pretty much any action game out on Xbox one right now. I decide to play Battlefield 4 because I feel like blowing stuff up. Celestia stays silent as I grab my controller and sit back in my seat. The game hits the title screen and I stop because I feel a disturbamce in my personal space. Then 2 pink hooves slowly wrapped around my neck, making me jump. I quickly turn to see Cadence smiling at me.

"Good morning..." She said as she leaned In and...rubbed her face into my cheek, making me squirm and push her away.

"Uh...yeah...hi Cadence. What the hell are you doing?" I demand with a blush.

"I was being nice and saying good morning..." Cadence said with an innocent smile.

"Well be nice and say good morning.... from over there...." I said as I point away towards the kitchen area. Her ears droop down and she adopts a forlorn expression. I let it slide yesterday but I'm not going to let these fucking ponies touch me and do...whatever that cheek shit was. Cadence walked over to Princess Celestia and...did that cheek thing again as they said good morning to each other.

"Ok what is that thing you're doing?" I asked loudly. They both turn toward me and look puzzled.

"What thing?" They both ask.

"That weird...rub my fuckin face into your cheek thing?" I demand.

"Do you mean nuzzling? We ponies do it to show affection..." Celestia explained. I blink a few times and wordlessly turn back to the TV. Cadence and Celestia started to talk, prompting me to tune out. Nuzzling is weird as shit, "I like you so let me rub my fucking face into your cheek!". Then a again... Kissing is weird too when you think about it, " I like you so let's smoosh our mouths together and connect our taste organs." But I guess thats why there's just some things you dont think about to hard.
I groan in annoyance when I remember that I left my phone upstairs. I take a sip of coffee then, get up and start heading towards the stairs. Before I reach them I see Twilight coming down them, looking like she hasn't slept since the dinosaur age.

"Ah good morning my faithful student!" Celestia said happily.

"Goodmorning everypony.... And DJ..." She said in a lifeless tone. I looked at her and started chuckling.

"Holy shit, you've never seen a bed before!" I teased. Twilight ignored me and nuzzled Cadence and Celestia sleepily.

"Did you stay up reading again Twilight?" Cadence asked, fixating her with a stern look.

"Was there ever any doubt Cadence?" Celestia asks with a giggle.

"I was going to limit myself to one book but humans and their technology were just so fascinating!" Twilight said, suddenly perking up. What books did I have in that room again? Oh yeah... Encyclopedias, fact books. shit like that.

I was going to continue up the stairs when I realized my phone was really just sitting there on my coffee table which made me facepalm. Being sleepy sucks donkey butt.

"Apprantly humans have these things called televisions that let you watch all kinds of things!" She said excitedly as a creepy smile started to form on her face. What the fuck? It's like... her fucking mouth is extending off her goddamn face. Then she looked over to where I was and saw the TV. Then her fucking eyes literally started sparkling or something.

"Oh my gosh DJ! Is that a TV?" She demanded, rushing over to me.

"Um....yeah?" I said, creeped out by how excited she looked.

"I have so many questions!" She said as a feather and a scroll appeared out of nowhere with a purple flash.

What...

The...

FUCK!

I feel like I'll just be smiling and nodding to all kinds of bullshit in a few days. You can move the sun? Cool. You can make shit out of thin air? Sweet. You can Teleport? Awesome. Wait...I really hope they can't teleport...or shits will be flipped.

"What kind of power source does it use? What kind of things do humans watch on it? How many humans use or own them?" She started asking at lighting speed. The torrent of tourture only stopped because some golden magic seemed to shut her mouth closed.

"Twilight Sparkle, you can ask him questions later. Right now could you just join us in the kitchen?" Celestia asked kindly. Her horn was glowing golden so I assume she was the one that shut her up. I sighed in relief when Twilight moved away from me and went into the kitchen with the others.

"Derrick? Could you do me a small favor?" Celestia asked from the kitchen, making me turn my head to her.

"Sure why not?" I say with a shrug.

"Could you please wake Luna up for me? Her breakfast is ready.." She asked kindly. I nodded then stood up with a grunt. I'm honestly kind of sore, I should buy some icey-hot or something later. I walked over to Luna's door and raised my fist to knock.

"Oh! Please be careful... My sister is far from a morning person..." Celestia warned with a giggle. I rolled my eyes and knocked on the door. I'm far from a morning person too, I would normally be asleep right now... But of course I don't normally have 4 ponies living in my house, so go figure.

"Luna! Get up!" I said with another knock. All I hear in the room is a lazy grunt and shifting covers. I knock a few more times before starting to get annoyed.

"Wake up! Your sister made breakfast!" I said louder. I hear another lazy grunt and a sigh of annoyance.

"We art exhausted..." I heard her mutter.

"So am I, but look whos up and about ..." I said plainly. She doesn't respond for a while so I knock again.

"Luna...I swear to god I'll come in there and drag your ass out of bed..." I threatin. All I hear is another annoyed sigh and a light pout.

"Go fornicate thyself..." I heard her moan. I paused for a moment before realization hit.

Ok thats it.

I move my hand toward the doornob to open it, but I stopped before twisting it. I can't just barge in there! She might be undressed or something! Hey....wait a second...

She's ALWAYS undressed...

...in fact all 4 of them are in the nude right now!

...

Heh...that thought didn't make this awkward or anything...

I twist the nob further and it was luckily unlocked. I walked into the room grumbling too myself, standing next to the bed. She was laying on the covers looking so peaceful and innocent. Her hair now waved gracefully like her sister's, gently flowing and sparkling like the night sky itself. Honestly it was a beautiful sight... Despite how impossible it is. The sight was so beautiful that it almost made me consider not doing what I was about to do...

ALMOST.

"WAKE UP BITCH!" I barked as I threw the cover off of her, much to her annoyance.

"We request five more minutes from thou..." She says clinging to the bed comicly.

"I request for thou to get the fuck up!" I quip as I grab her by her hindlegs and start dragging her. Unfortunately for me her immediate response to that was to buck at me. Her hindleg hit me dead center in the crotch so hard, that I went flying into the nearest wall. Suffice to say, my balls and I were very surprised. The bad kind of surprised.

I hit the wall and slid down it with my face completely red and contorted in pure pain as my eyes started watering. I tried to speak but no words came, just short bitchy little squeak sounds. Luna shot out of bed when she realized what happened, and immediately rushed over to me worriedly.

"Art though well? We didnt expect thou to grab us in such a manner!" She said with concern. I still couldn't speak, I just whined in a high pitched tone with tears running down my cheeks. Luna's ears drooped down and she moved her face closer to mine and nuzzled my cheek affectionately.

"We apologize... Derrick... We did not mean it..." She whispered softly. Honestly that nuzzle made me feel a little better about having to go through excruciating pain. She hit me so fuckin hard that I'm sure future generations of my family felt that shit... Assuming there will be a future generation now.

"My balls..." I squeak with a sniff, more tears running down my eyes. Luna put her hoof to my mouth and shushed me.

"Sh...sh...we know...we know..." She said In a motherlike tone....a tone that disappeared completely when The rest of the girls came into the room to investigate. Celestia walked in first and paused at the door with a flat brow. Then Twilight walked in and did the same except she lost control of her jaw. Cadence walked and gasped in horror, her eyes mere pinpricks.

"Derrick what happened?!?" She shreiked as she ran over to me, accidentally knocking Luna away.

"My balls..." I squeaked again, wincing in pain as another tear left my eye. Then Celestia walked over to her sister with a firece look.

"Of all the places you could have bucked him it had to be THAT spot Luna?" She scolded. Luna sat there with a nervous smile and drooping ears.

"We did not intend to...." She said timidly.

"It sure LOOKS like you intended too!" Cadence said with venom, as she nuzzled my cheek.

"T'was a large target..." Luna said with a shrug. Celestia facepalmed and Cadence blushed furiously. Twilight just titlted her head in confusion.

"I dont get it, why is DJ crying?" She asked cluelssly. This time Luna and Cadence facepalmed.

"The Human anatomy book didn't say that a human male's testicles were that...sensitive..." She muttered. Before she could spout anymore nut science, Celestia shoved a hoof into her students mouth.

"God... just fucking kill me now..." I muttered with another wince as I layed my head against the wall. Then Cadence looked me in the eye with concerned eyes.

"Sh...should I kiss it to make it better?" She asked seriously. Then everyone in the room immediately deadpanned, including me. Cadence looked around cluelessely.

"What did I say?"

I slowly shook my head then tried to stand up with difficulty. Cadence gave me her hoof and used it to lift me to my feet easily. I guess she's stronger than me too...how comforting. I tried to walk, but it ended up looking like this strange awkward waddle. Celestia and the others cringed as I waddeled to the coffee table slowly, grunting in pain. I leaned on the coffee table and grabbed my cup. I took a few deep breaths then finished the last of my coffee. Then I started to laugh quietly.

"I guess I'm not going to be peeing straight... Ever..." I said with a weak chuckle. The girls looked unsure if they were supposed to laugh, or feel sorry for me. Twilight was definitely neither because she looked confused.

"Hell... I doubt I can even have kids now... Not that I wanted any in the first place..." I add with another weak chuckle. Cadence's cheeks seemed to flush after I said that, why? No clue. Didn't care because pain and shit. Princess Celestia walked over to me with a worried look.

"Do you require medical attention?" She asked. I looked at her and laughed weakly.

"Nah I'm fine..." I said as I stand up straight, wobbeling slightly. Cadence pouted and slammed her hoof on the floor.

"What's wrong with boys?! Why do they always pass up help when they obviously need it?" She asked to no one in particular in frustration. I roll my eyes and wince again.

"Serouisly I'll be ok...eventually. No need for any magic..." I said as I waddle toward the kitchen. Celestia raises her brow then I moan in pain again and immediately spin around. Who the fuck am I kidding? This hurts like a bitch! I give Celestia a look of confirmation, making her nod and charge up her magic. A few moments later she zapped my crotch with golden light and the pain instantly left. I sighed with relief and smiled.

I can feel them again!!!

"I'm so happy I could kiss you! But I won't...because that would be weird...so thanks and stuff!" I beamed with a laugh. Celestia and Luna started to giggle as I started skipping around like a fucking fairy. I had to stop when I felt a familer sensation between my legs. Then I immediately covered my crotch with my hands and blushed furiously.

"What the fuck! That spell gave me a fucking boner!" I scream as I immediately run behind a couch. All the girls blushed except Twilight.

"Um...there may have been...unforseen side effects..." Celestia says as she nervously makes a circle with her hoof on the floor.

"Unforseen side effects? It gave me a BONER!" I shouted angrily. I'm wearing basketball shorts... I need not explain further.

"Boner? What does that mean?" Twilight asked out loud. Celestia jammed her hoof into her mouth and shushed her clueless student. Then she smiled nervously.

"Um...I think its time to eat everypony! Our food is getting very cold!" She said. Twilight sighed and walked over to the table in the kitchen along with Cadence (who hasn't taken her eyes off of me the entire time) and Luna. The girls walked into the kitchen and sat at my glass dining table. It was a rectangle table that had 6 seats. Celestia had the five plates of eggs laid out on it, one of them being a plate with scrambled eggs.

"Are you going to join us Derrick?" Cadence asked timidly. I look down to my crotch then back to her.

"No...I'm just gonna hang out over here..." I said with a nervous whistle. Yeah that shit is not happening.

"Oh ok..." She said with slight disappointment, turning back to the table. I quickly hopped over my couch and sat at an angle so they couldn't see my....stuff. My plate of eggs came floating over in a golden aura, with a fork. I reached out and grabbed it and the golden energy disappeared. I looked over to the table and sure enough I saw Celestia smiling at me.

"Uh...thanks?" I said sheepishly.

"You are very welcome..." She said with a warm smile. I nod and turn back to the TV. Everything cut off because of being idle for too long. Maybe if I play some Battlefield this magic induce "Excitement" will go away.

"Xbox on..." I ordered as I grab my controller, setting it next to me and began to eat. I grabbed the fork and took a bite out of my eggs.

"..."

My god....

This shit is heavenly!

...

"It seems he enjoys your cooking sister." Luna said with a smirk.

"Indeed... Judging from that star struck expression he has." Celestia said observing the human happily munching away.

"How come you don't cook more often auntie?" Cadence asked as she moaned with pleasure after taking a bite.

"Well I'm always too busy besides.. The castle chef is a fine cook!"

"That translates to ; We art too lazy..." Luna teased.

"Oh hush Lulu..." Celestia said with a giggle.

"You know... They say the quickest way to a stallion's heart is through his stomach..." Cadence mentioned.

"I am well aware my lovely niece..." Celestia said with a wink. They all joined each other in laughter except Twilight, who eventually decided to speak up.

"So...what's a boner anyway?" She asked bluntly. Celestia choked on food, Luna's eyes widened and Cadence started blushing. When Celestia recovered from choking to death she cleared her throat.

"That is not the type of thing we discuss at the table, Twilight Sparkle..." She said calmly.

"But why not? Does that word refer to the massive erection he had? Or something else?" Twilight asks bluntly without flinching. Celestia deadpanned with a twitching eye, while Luna started to laugh loudly and Cadence just giggled.

"Yes...that is what it refers to..." Celestia admitted, grumpily.

"Ok! Just wondering! I learned some intresting things about Human biology, but nothing about Boners!" She said with an excited smile.

"Things like what?" Cadence asks with a nervous smile. Celestia facepalmed and shook her head.

"Are we really discussing such a vulgar subject?" She muttered, rolling her eyes.

"What is the issue? Let thy student discuss her findings!" Luna joked, nudging her annoyed sister. Celestia exclaimed in frustration and got up from the table.

"I will take no part in this discussion!" She stated firmly as she took her plate and walked away.

"Ok...now that our sister hath removed herself from our discussion, continue!" Luna said with a giggle. "Before we begin... Cadence? Why does thou want to know these things about humans?" Luna asked curiously. Cadence started to blush furiously.

"Um...I was just....wondering.... Thats all..." She said sheepishly, tapping her hooves together.

"Hmm...indeed... continue Twilight Sparkle.." Luna said with a nod.

"Well..." Twilight started as she tapped her hoof against the table and looked up in thought.

...

Celestia suddenly got up from the table and started walking toward the living room area, with a very annoyed look on her face. What the fuck were they talking about at that table? Doesn't matter now, because Celestia is coming over here. Thankfully my..."Excitement " was gone so I couldn't care less.

She sat on the couch next to me with a deadpan expression and I looked up to her curiously.

"So...." I started to say.

"My companions started talking about a particularly sensitive subject. So I removed myself..." She said with a deadpan expression.

"Ok then...what were they talking about?" I asked curiously. Celestia's eyes widened and her right eye twiched slightly.

"You REALLY don't want to know..." She said firmly. I raise my brow and slowly turn back to the screen with a simple nod. She looked down and sighed, turning to me with a smile.

"So what are you doing?" She asks as she looks up to the TV screen.

"Playing a game..." I said plainly as I go back to playing Battlefield.

"Neat.." She said simply. Then she just watches quietly while I play, occasionally stuffing her face with eggs.

"Your eggs were amazing by the way..."

"Thanks..."

"Your hair is actually pretty cool too..." I add randomly. She didn't respond to that and I couldn't see her expression, but I think I saw her blush from the corner of my eye. Eh...whatever, time to fuck some tanks up.

Eventually my team won the match and I laid back with a satsifyed grin. Then I got up and stretched.

"I need to go to the store and restock the fridge." I said as I walk into the kitchen. I overhear Twilight talking about human diets among other things.

"Did you know that humans are omnivores?" She said excitedly.

"Really?" Cadence gasped in shock. Luna shrugged uncaringly. They all looked at me as I paused in front of the fridge.

"I mean...there was obviously ham and bacon in the fridge..." I said with a deadpan expression.

"That was MEAT???!" Cadence shreiked, almost falling out of her chair.

"No...its just animal flesh that I keep refrigerated..." I quirk, dripping with sarcasm.

"You didn't believe me?" Celestia said as she joined us in the kitchen. Then they all started staring at me.

"Is that going to be a problem?" I ask with a raised brow. I assume that their not really meat eaters if there anything like ponies on Earth. Then again, I'm sure ponies don't eat eggs but there must be an exception or something.

"Of course not! We have many omnivores in Equestria, as well as carnivores! So I can guarantee you it won't be a problem!" Celestia said with a smile then she turned to Cadence and raised her brow.

"Right Cadence?" She said with narrowed eyes. Cadence blinks then smiles nervously.

"Oh...YES it won't be a problem! Not at all!" She said with a nervous smile. I look at both of them and shrug. I start looking into the fridge and various cabinets to gauge what I need to buy.

"Well I'm out of snacks, so do you girls eat chips?"

"What kind?" Celestia asks.

"Potato, Corn, shit like that."

"That sounds ok."

"What about cookies? Or donuts?"

"Definitely!" Cadence says, licking her lips. I nodded and move to the fridge again.

"Chocolate?"

"Huzza!" Luna says with a smile. I chuckle then focus on the fridge again.

"Fruit juice?"

"Yep!" Cadence said happily.

"Soda?" I said, making them all stare blankly at me. Oh yeah I forgot.

"Carbonated drinks? Pop?" I say, thinking of alternative names for soda.

"You can carbonate a drink?" Twilight exclaims.

"Trust me its good. Alright moving on..." I said as I kneel down to a particularly large compartment of my fridge.

"Cake?" I ask, as I look at the area where I usually put cakes and pies that I make.

"..."

Celestia's face was completely devoid of emotion. I raise my brow and continue searching the fridge. That was kinda weird...

"I was thinking about baking something, for the hell of it..." I said with a shrug. Baking shit was one of the few hobbies I had besides video games.

"You...b..bake cakes?" Celestia stuttered, a creepy smile forming slowly. I look at her, slightly creeped out.

"Yeah.Vanilla, Red Velvet, Chocolate, Carrot, Fudge.... Its all pretty easy for me." I muttered. Then something really creepy happened. Celestia started shivering and her wings slowly started to extend. Behind her Luna had an "Oh shit" expression, while Cadence and Twilight looked scared. I started to get uncomfortable but I continued.

"I'd say they were fairly good too. Some of the neighbors used to buy them from me, Especially my Double Decker Fudge Chocolate cakes..." I add.

*Poink!*

Celestia's pupils dialated and her wings suddenly extended stiffly. Her smile went from possible creep to full creep. I started to back away nervously, and she stepped toward me.

"Girls?" Why is she being weird?" I asked awkwardly, pointing to her as Celestia slowly steps closer, looking like she's about to fucking molest me. Luna sighed then got up from the table. She walks in front of Celestia and blocks her.

"Just give us one moment..." She stated. Then she proceeded to slap the shit out of Celestia, much to my surprise. Celestia immediately came out of whatever weird trance she was in and her wings slowly lowered. Then she rubbed her cheek and looked embarrassed. Before she could say anything Luna spoke up.

"We are not apposed to the idea of you baking for us." She said. I look at them both in confusion. What was all that shit about?

"Uh....ok. So I'll buy some cake mix, But what kind should I get?" I ask.

"CHOCOLATE!" Celestia erupts, quickly covering her mouth in embarrassment. I stare at her wide eyed and continued.

"Alright...cool... That's a shit load of snacks, but what about regular food?" I said rubbing my chin.

"We eat anything that isn't meat... With eggs and fish being the exception..." Twilight said.

"We would appreciate it if you purchased some hay..." Cadence added. Should have expected that. I close the fridge and cabinets then stretched. I want to get this shit over with already so I can just chill.

"Alright, I'm gonna shower and stuff..." I muttered as I walked past them and up the stairs. I'll just take a quick shower and swing by Walmart or something. I also need to hit up a burger joint, because they might be cool with the fact that I eat Meat but I don't want them puking on the floor when I decide to fry some bacon. I went into my room and locked the door, then I threw my clothes off and went into my bathroom to shower.

...

"Well... This is... strange..." Twilight whispered with confusion as she watched her teacher and mentor jumping for joy like a child.

"HE BAKES!!!" Celestia announced loudly. Luna frowned and hushed her older sibling.

"Contain yourself Tia! Tis not a big deal!" Luna barked.

"Actully it Kind of is... Do you know any stallions back home that can bake?" Cadence asks with a giggle, as she stares into the sky with a dreamy expression.

"Mr. Cake?" Twilight suggests. Cadence and Celestia stare at her with a deadpan expression.

"He's married..." Celestia said blankly.

"Point taken..." Twilight said with a crooked mouth. Then she tilts her head again."Even so...DJ is NOT a stallion... " Twilight reminds. Cadence just smiles at that statememt.

"I know! That just makes him so much more INTRESTING!" Cadence said with a lovestruck look, as she sank in her chair.

"While we find thy romantic interest in him...strange. We did always have a sweet tooth." Luna said with a blush.

"I don't understand ANY of you!" Twilight said as she rolled her eyes and laid her head on the table.

...

I threw on a hoddie and some different shorts then ran down the stairs. "Ok I'll be right back..." I muttered as I grabbed my keys off of the table.

"Can I come?" Cadence asked. I paused and stared blankly at her, then erupted in laughter.

"Are you serious? Do you WANT to be disected?"

"No! I just think you'd... need help carrying all those groceries!" She said in her defense, tapping her hooves together nervously.

"I think I'll be fine..." I said with an annoyed sigh. This isn't the first time I've been to the store Cadence. Calm your tits.

"Where is thine chariot? We did not see one!" Luna asked.

"Chariot? You mean my car?" I said with a flat brow.

"YOU HAVE A CAR???" Twilight exclaimed loudly, jumping out of her seat and freaking me the fuck out again.

"Yeah. Didn't you see it when you invaded my house through the window?" I said with a deadpan expression.

"Yes, but I didn't know what it was until I read those books!" She said with sparkling eyes. This bitch needs to calm her tits too. I wave her off with a hand and shook my head.

"Just...whatever, I'm gonna go and come back." I said plainly as I start walking toward the door.

"Be carful DJ!" Cadence calls out as I reach for the doorknob. I paused and flashed a smile.

"Don't worry Cadence. I'm only using what is statistically one of the leading causes of fatal accidents in this country!" I said sarcastically. Her face turns blue and I start chuckling.

"I'll be back in like an hour. Don't touch anything or I'll eat your face." I quipped as I walk out and close the door. I unlock my car and chuckle to myself as I open the door and step into it. I started the engine and was about to pull out when I noticed Twilight frantically waving at me, looking amazed and excited beyond belief. A few seconds later I saw Celestia ninja grab her away from the window comicly. That honestly broght a smile to my face. Celestia keeping her clueless student in check... Heh... Fucking ponies... why do you have to be so damn adorable?

Author's Notes:

Notes: I thought it would be kind of funny if Equestrians didn't have soda, and they tried it for the first time here, so thats why they were clueless.
Should I feel evil for writing the part where Derrick gets his junk busted? Nah, sucks to be him I guess.
As always tell me your favorite lines!
Now to work on Act 6 part 2 of the misadventures of DJ...