For your health: >Walk into my room
>Both my cats are in here
>#DoubleCatSwag
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Luna was having a great time. Then again, who wouldn't be having fun using a flack cannon on a bunch of defenseless gryphons? Remember kids, murder is cool and entertaining. Anyways, she had already shot down several dozens of the horrible bird-cats as they flew at the castle and her ammo was showing no signs of running out. Thankfully, a lot of her bat-winged pony guards had flocked around the area to guard her.

Fun fact; the bat ponies are actually the result of one family having unethical sexual relations with a species of large cave bat found in mountains up north. After several generations, one of the ponies managed to actually become pregnant and spawned a deformed pony bat thing. Seeing this as a good sign, the family spent the next few generations having incestial relations with the deformed bat spawn and eventually they created a sub-species of pony-bat hyrbids. After learning about their gross and unlawful behavior, Celestia was going to have the whole family executed, but Luna had a better idea. Instead of killing them, she enslaved them to be her own private guard. Over a thousand years later and they were still serving her.

Needless to say, they were pretty much brain washed to be as good of guards as possible. The only downside is they have weak immune systems from all that inbreeding, so they only live about thirty years on average. Now, I say it's a good thing that the bat ponies had flocked around the area because Luna failed to realized just how close the advancing gryphons were getting. By the time she noticed just how close they were, there were already several of them swooping around the cannon.

In case you can't imagine, a huge anti-air cannon is next to worthless at close range, so Luna quickly jumped out of her gunner seat and fluttered down to the doorway of her room. The group of bat guards had already engaged the gryphons in dog fights giving her plenty of time to escape. The gryphons, for their part, were extremely vicious and were clearly pissed off for some reason, Luna could hardly imagine why they would be so angry. Unfortunately for her, their anger only added to their combat prowess as they swung around the weapons they grasped firmly in their claws without any fear of death.

In return, the bat ponies were putting up a pretty good fight as they were all doped up on steroids and had no regard for their own lives either. Even so, they were quickly overwhelmed as more and more gryphons showed up and overpowered them. Luna paid no mind to their screams of agony as they were chopped into pieces by the gryphons' weapons, they could always be replaced.

Instead of hanging out there, she walked down the stairs of her tower and out a nearby door. Once outside it was a short walk to the walls that surrounded the entire castle. One could argue that walls weren't necessary since the castle was built on the edge of Canterlot so half of it was surrounded by a huge drop anyways, but this is Equestria, therefore logic has no place here.

Once at the ramparts she instantly saw just the pony she was looking for. Captain OC pony, along with several other guards, were in the middle of fighting a group of gryphons. She trotted up to him just as he scored a lucky buck to the chest of one of the gryphons. It went down, but he wasn't done just yet. In one swift move he jumped forward and landed with his front two hoofs on the thing's head easily killing it. Unfortunately, the fight didn't seem as one-sided as the ponies had anticipated.

With the use of their wings and tail, the gryphons were able to balance pretty well on their back legs giving them the ability to swing their weapons freely with their front claws. The combination of having weapons and being really pissed off was making the gryphons quite a threatening force, even though the ponies clearly had superior numbers. Unfortunately, this time the ponies didn't have a giant, unkillable spider to protect them.

Luna reached the group of ponies just as one of them took a spear to the face, and though she had seen and committed countless atrocities in her life, she couldn't help but feel grossed out by the sight. Pushing aside the sudden urge to vomit for the moment, she instead focused on her magic. Before the gryphons could react to her presence, she fired a volley of blue magic bolts at them, striking them each precisely in the chest. Their eyes widened and they let out shocked squawks as they were blown back by the force of the bolts. They landed a little ways away, and the smell of burnt flesh along with the smoke rising from where they were each struck made it obvious they weren't getting back up.

Captain OC pony stared at the corpses of the gryphons for a few moments before his brain registered what happened and he immediately turned and bowed. "Princess Luna! I'm thankful for your timely arrival, but shouldn't you get to somewhere safer?"

"Hush, captain. I have more combat experience than any other pony here. Besides, you and your guards could use some help if all of the gryphons are as vicious as these ones."

"Indeed your majesty, but already their forces are dwindling. Most of them on the ramparts have already been dealt with. Unfortunately, about half of their force just flew past into the city once they got close enough."

"Good, things are going better than I thought. Surely we'll be victorious here then. And afterwards, I'll make sure to wipe them off the face of the planet as Celestia and I should have done ages ago. Now then, no sense dillydallying here, let's get go-" She trailed off as she looked up over the ramparts. Captain OC pony noticed her hesitation and followed her gaze only to spot a huge group of what looked like zeppelins nearing the castle from the east.

It took Luna a moment to realize what was going on, but when she did she was hard pressed to contain her fear. It was the sea pony fleet! She hadn't seen them in so long she almost forgot about them. Perhaps they were still mad about that time when one of Equestria's ancient nuclear reactors went critical and she had to teleport the superheated spent uranium fuel rods into the ocean to cool them, thus irradiating billions of gallons of sea water. She took a few seconds to count the approaching air ships and spotted a total of thirty of them. Each one would no doubt be filled to the brim with troops and armed with air to ground cannons.

"New plan." She said as she pried her eyes away from the approaching armada. "There's no way we can defend the ramparts against that many airships being scattered as we are. Pull your troops back into the castle, we'll defend from there." She remembered that Celestia would want to hear about the new arrivals too. "And send a pegasus to inform Celestia of the sea ponies." Although the walls weren't particularly important, they had to defend the castle at all cost. Not only was it the easiest place to defend in the city, but a large group of ponies were being kept inside.

Once they spotted Paul's army approaching the city, Celestia thought it would be smart to evacuate the ponies into part of the castle and several of the larger hotels where they would be easier to defend. Looking back it was a good choice seeing as though most of the city was now crawling with enemy soldiers.

--

Chrysalis continued to stare at me like I was a weirdo for a little longer. Was explaining who I am using poorly contrived rap really that unheard of? Finally she shook her head and seemed to decide not to worry about me any more for the time being. Instead she turned to queen Hentai. "And WHO are you?!" She asked slightly more angrily than was necessary. Damn, this bug pony is rude.

Queen Hentai didn't seem put off by this, though, and continued smirking. "Me? I'm just the most attractive pony alive, sabotage extraordinaire, and new ruler of this castle. But you can just call me queen Hentai." She said while placing a hoof on her chest.

"Queen? You? Ha! I've never even heard of you!" Said Chrysalis.

"Yep, that was the point. Now then, I'd appreciate if you'd vacate my new property immediately."

Instead of taking her words to heart, Chrysalis scowled at Hentai. "I came to take this castle over from Celestia, but it looks like you already did the hard part. I'll just kill you and Canterlot will be all mine!"

"Ut-oh. I'm really scared of you. Please don't kill me!" She stated in an overly-sarcastic tone.

The frown on her face made it quite apparent that she wasn't humored by her new enemies' sarcasm. "Guards attack!!" Within an instant the group of smaller bug ponies flew at queen Hentai with green energy coming off of their horns. Unfortunately for them, Hentai didn't seem particularly fond of being skewered on their horns, and she put up some kind of barrier around herself in the blink of an eye.

Needless to say, it wasn't pretty when the bug ponies collided with the barrier at full speed. With their crumpled bodies now littering the floor, Hentai dropped the barrier and once again smirked at Chrysalis. "Here I was expecting a challenge."

Chrysalis looked furious and it didn't take a genius to tell that shit was about to go down all up in here.

"Hey guys." I said to Steve and demonic conch. "Things are getting kinda tense here, as in two super pony things are about to engage in mortal combat. Perhaps we should go somewhere else..." The other ponies in the room seemed to have the same idea as they were already retreating into another room (or in Rarity's case being pushed in a wheel chair) seeing as though there was nothing more they could do here.

"What are you chicken? Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!." Said Steve, being a huge dickwad as always.

"Fuck you, Steve. Now let's go." I turned and walked out with Steve following closely behind and Demonic conch secured to my belt. As soon as we exited the room we heard the sounds of their battle coming from behind us.

"Alright, since we no longer have a plan, what do we do now?" Asked Steve.

"Not have a plan? I always have a plan!" Who the hell does he think I am? "Except for the times when I don't have a plan, that is. Anyways, the plan is we find Celestia and break her legs. Then we can go eat ice cream or something."

"You know, I like that plan. What kind of ice cream will there be?"

"Lawl! You're a robot! You can't eat ice cream, stupid!" I replied.

"Oh god you're right! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Yelled Steve.

"I want ice cream too... Now I'm just depressed..."

"Well shit guys, I guess we won't get ice cream then... But we are still breaking Celestia's legs." The room that we were in wasn't far from the front door to the castle so it didn't take long for us to exit. Surprisingly instead of being met by guards we were met by a very strange sight. Well, strange for anyone else. I'm desensitized to strange. Basically, the streets were filled with donkeys, ponies, spy crabs, undead animals, and bug ponies all having an epic battle with each other. Above them was a deadly dog fight between pterodactyls, cat birds, more bug ponies, pegasi, and the remaining few helicopters.

"How the hell are we supposed to find Celestia?" Asked Steve. Thankfully, the front door of the castle is set at the top of a tall flight of marble stairs so we were elevated above most of the buildings. Looking around town quickly with my special eyes (1-800 CONTACTS! They can't have my brand! I have special eyes!) revealed that most of the fighting was coming from one spot where the ponies were holding out at.

"I'd assume she's with the rest of the ponies over there, so we'll go there first."

"What if she's not there?" Asked Steve.

"I don't know, we'll start breaking legs until someone tells us where she's at." I said with a shrug. Breaking legs has never let me down before. "Now let's go." I hardly made it three steps before there was a yell from my right.

"Paul!" I stopped and looked over to the source of the noise to see a white pony wearing golden armor with a ripped red cape. Most of the plumes on the helmet were missing and the armor plates were smeared with blood. He was flanked by a group of other ponies with slightly less decorated armor. Oh great, just when I thought there wouldn't be any guards..."It looks like it's just you and me!"

I looked around, noting that, not only was Steve here, but there were also tons of other creatures fighting all over the place. "Not really. Do I know you?"

"The names captain OC pony. I lead half of the Canterlot guard. The same guards whose deaths you're responsible for!"

I looked around again in an over exaggerated way before looking back at the captain. "I only killed some of the guards. From what I can tell the rest are being killed by cat birds, bug ponies, and spy crabs." I pointed out.

The captain spat on the ground and glared at me. "Enough talk, now I'm going to kill you myself!"

Needless to say, I was skeptical as to how this pony was going to kill me, so I asked the obvious question. "How?"

Instead of answering he saw fit to show me 'how' and began charging at me while letting out some kind of war cry. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure his whole strategy revolves around him bludgeoning me with his hooves. Being the sensible creature that I am, I don't want to get my head bashed in repeatedly until I stop breathing. That already happened once and I don't intend for it to happen again. With that said, I took the appropriate countermeasures.

As soon as he got close enough, time seemed to slow down. Years of practice had conditioned me for situations just like this. Now I was going to do what I do best. Kicking ass. I jumped in the air and spun around in a full 360 with one leg extended out. Everything seemed to slow down even more as my foot neared his face. I saw the look in his eyes as he realized what was about to happen. It was too late for him to react, though, as the top of my foot impacted the side of his helmet. The metal bent inward and spit along with a few teeth flew out of his mouth. My foot just kept going, though, and it pushed his head all the way around until there was a cracking as his neck snapped.

Then suddenly time seemed to catch up with us and I landed on the ground as his body flew down the stairs. I didn't even look at him again as I already knew he was dead, and instead I just continued walking down. The rest of the guard ponies stared at me slack jawed as I just walked away, none made any move to stop me after that.

"Damn he's smooth." Said Steve as he followed after me. Now it was just a matter of getting across town to where the ponies are at. Thankfully, Canterlot is fairly small, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

As soon as that thought exited my brain-capacitor there was a loud screeching as a pterodactyl swooped down and attempted to swipe at us with its claws. I ducked down slightly, avoiding the attack, but I couldn't help but feel stupid for thinking this would be entirely easy. No doubt everything would try to kill me on the way there just like always. "Well shit." I said while shrugging. "I almost thought we weren't going to have to kill everything we encounter on the way there for a second."

"Yeah... It turns out everyone wants you dead. It's probably that that smug smile you always have on your face pisses them off." Said Steve.

"Probably." I agreed as I unsheathed my short sword from my back and grabbed my syringe pistol in my left hand. Now I was ready for anything! "In the immortal words of fantastic four's 'the thing', 'Hulk smash!'." I quoted as I walked towards the gate that separated the castle from the rest of the city. I only made it a few steps before I heard more screeching from above. I turned and sure enough, the pterodactyl didn't seem to like the idea of leaving us alone. It was banking around for another swipe at us.

"Pterodactyl?! More like Ptero-dead-ctyl!" I yelled as I leveled my pistol at the flying dinosaur and fired a few rounds. Several of them struck it and it let out another screech before it glided into the side of the castle and plummeted to the ground.

"Ptero-dead-ctyl?" Asked Steve. "Really? That's the best you could come up with?"

Instead of being insulted, I took that as a challenge. "After a fall like that he's gonna be dino-SORE in the morning!"

"Damnit! Stop that!" Shouted Steve.

"It looks like the SCALES have tipped into my favor! Get it, because dinosaurs have scales?"

"NO! STOP RIGHT NOW! THAT ONE WAS HORRIBLE!"

"I bet he EGRETS messing with me now." I continued despite Steve's protests.

He seemed to realize there was no stopping the pandoras box of puns that had been opened so he just sighed and went along with it. "Bird puns? TOUCAN play at that game."

"You know, it's AVIARY big shame that it had to end like that. He had such a PHEASANT(pleasant) personality."

"He was so TALONted... He will be missed."

"He may be dead, but he will OWLways live on in our hearts."

"Foolish fools! Pterodacyls aren't even related to birds! Your puns are stupid!"

"Sorry, I was just WINGING it." I continued. "I'm just going out on a limb here, but I think you're just mad BEEKCAWS you can't think of any puns."

"Is demonic conch complaining again? If he doesn't like our jokes, he should just fly south for the winter!" Said Steve.

"I hate every second of our interaction together. If I wasn't tied to you, I'd turn your brain into lemon-aid right now!"

"That's ostRICH, now he's threatening me."

"Don't worry, he's too CHICKEN to do anything."

"I have judged your puns and found them lacking! If you ever say another pun I will make sure Satan dissolves your testicles in a vat of acid!"

"Pshh, they'd just grow back. They always do." I said as I continued walking out the castle gate. I didn't make it two meters outside the gate before I was beset by a horde of at least twenty bug ponies that popped out of various hiding places in the nearby buildings. They were clearly looking to ambush anyone trying to leave the castle. "Fuck on a sandwich bun!" I stated as I stared down the closest bug pony. From the looks of it, they were waiting for us to make the first move.

"Damn it, Paul. Why does everything want to kill you?" Asked Steve.

"I blame the economy." I leveled my pistol at the nearest enemy. "Hey Steve..."

"Yeah?"

"It's time to kick some..." I giggled to myself a bit. "Carap-ass!"

"That's it. Your balls are grass!"

"Twas worth it." I stated as I pulled the trigger. The syringe went straight into the changeling's eye and it dropped instantly. Of course, now the group was after my skin, and they weren't taking 'no' for an answer. They all rushed forward at once with the intent of swarming me. It's unfortunate for them that they don't know who I am. Anyone with any intelligence whatsoever would know not to mess with a sex raptor, especially not a sex raptor with weapons and friends.

Within a second the first bug pony had jumped at me with the intent of biting into my delicious skin with his long teeth. Instead of doing that, though, he received the business end of my sword right in the face which I swung around like a crazy egyptian who just got caught steeling cats from a pyramid. The second and third closest changeling lunged at me at the same time with pretty much the same idea as the first one. I simply sliced to the left, hitting one in the neck with my sword and blocking it from ramming into me while I kicked upwards with my right leg catching the right bug pony in the chin with my big talon. Another one then jumped over that one and I ducked slightly, allowing it to fly right over me.

Without paying any more mind to that one, I started shooting with my pistol while I swung my sword around and hit another bug pony. I wasn't really aiming, but it's really hard to miss something that's only a few feet away from you. In the mean time, Steve was kicking anything that got close. The changelings had tried biting into him, but the fact that he was made of metal meant that they only left scratches across his 'skin'. He wasn't too happy about his flawless silver hide being scratched up so he took great satisfaction in kicking the bug ponies' heads in.

Demonic conch was doing what he does best, mentally rape things. Thankfully he had my back as he was able to murder any bug ponies that managed to get behind me. I just continued to slash away with my sword until there was a small mound of corpses and the bug ponies started to thin out. Eventually there was just one left who was looking around confused as to how all his teammates had died to us. Of course, a few syringes to the face got rid of any confusion he had.

"Ooooooh man. I sure am getting tired of being so damn amazing." I said while stretching my arms out in an over exaggerated manner.

"If by 'amazing' you mean 'a big huge queer'. Then that's probably for the best." Said Steve.

"Shut up Steve, I got way more kills than you."

"Yeah, but I got #Swag."

"Oh yeah? Watch this!" I took a few steps forward and began to hump the dead changelings. Halo man would be so proud!

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BAM! New chapter! It's only been, what? A month since I last updated? I tried typing a few times but every time I wasn't able to formulate sentences in a satisfactory way so I just stopped. Of course, the main reason this took so long is because I'm really lazy. That, and I didn't have much inspiration to type at all. Hardly anyone even reads this. I shouldn't complain though, I understand why no one reads it...

Anyways, I started typing another story but I'm really torn on whether or not I should even finish it. It's about tentacle ponies and it's just something I thought I'd write for fun. I got the idea a few months ago. It's currently like 5k words long and I think it's pretty funny, but I'm not sure if anyone would be interested in reading it. If you would, can you say something in the comments?

Also, I guess I'll type another fanventure thing soon. That should be fun... I already have some (really stupid) ideas.