Authors note: I’m incredibly bored… Just read through it, it gets really good later on!
Also I thought I'd mention that Paul is from some really long and stupid thing I wrote like three years ago. It's on my dev art but god forbid anyone ever reads that... It's so bad... Anyways, his backstory isn't very important and pretty much everything you need to know is explained...
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“I sure do love reading books!” Exclaimed Twilight Sparkle who, if you haven’t guessed it by now, loves reading books. She was currently reading some stupid book about magic or something that she had already read before, but she decided to read it again because she just loves to read that much.

“I also love sending letters to Celestia!” She once again exclaimed. Then she realized that she hadn’t sent a friendship report in like three weeks now. Maybe I should do that… Thought Twilight in her big adorable head box. With that thought she finally looked up from her book after hours of nonstop reading only to notice that it was later than she had thought. It was sooo late, in fact, that the sun wasn’t even out at all!

“Hmmm I guess that friendship report can wait till morning.” Twilight said to herself. Luckily no one was there at this time of night so she didn’t look like a complete lunatic for talking to herself constantly. “Celestia won’t mind, I’m sure she is busy with other things anyways. She’s so popular.”

Unbeknownst to Twilight, Celestia is secretly very lonely. But who cares about that?

After realizing how late it was, Twilight started heading up the stairs when a delicious thought popped into her head. What if she stayed up ALL night reading? It was genius! If she didn’t sleep she could read like… Twice as much… Or something. And then she remembered that that is a stupid idea. Now resigned to her sleepy fate she continued up the stairs to her waiting bed.

Now she could sleep all night, and in the morning maybe, just maybe, she could eat waffles.

That is, until there was a loud sound outside that allows the plot to move forward.

Queue obnoxious scene change!

Paul was just your average everyday sex raptor doing average every day sex raptor things. Today, that included flying a space ship at extremely high speeds. Normally, such a thing would be relaxing for Paul, however, not today. Today (The word today being used very loosely because they are in space) he was being attacked by a group of his sworn enemies, lobster men. Lobster men, as the name would suggest, are a hybrid of lobsters and humans that were created by the Government monster millions of years ago on Earth. They also have poorly described mind powers which they use to kill anyone who stands in their way.

Normally Paul wouldn’t have any trouble in a dog fight with a few lobster man ships, he is like the best pilot ever after all, but this time he was all alone and there were simply too many of them. And to make everything even worse the lobster men were being led by none other than Gorlok 12, the most powerful of the lobster men and Paul’s worst enemy.

Paul quickly steered his ship to the side avoiding another clump of orange lasers that were flung at him. Stupid lobster men, always throwing clumps of lasers at me, thought Paul with his dumb sex raptor head, here I am trying to mind my own business in the cold unforgiving vacuum of space and they decide to throw things at me? Paul would be outraged if this stuff didn’t happen to him literally erry day. He had fought Lobster men ever since they were first spawned into existence from years and years of unethical human-lobster breeding so they didn’t like him very much. Yeah that’s right, Paul is millions of years old, deal with it.

Paul once again dodged more clumps of lasers with his ship. Always with the lasers! Why can’t they throw anything edible at me? Like kittens. Yes, kittens I can work with, lasers give me indigestion though. Paul’s thoughts were interrupted as a ball of lasers that was shaped suspiciously like a tiger shark struck the side of his ship. “Shiiiiiiit!” Yelled Paul. Maybe he should think about these things when there wasn’t a dozen lobster ships chasing him.

Luckily the hit barely damaged his ship’s thick styrophome plating. Now that he was done being a bad, Paul decided to kick some ass. He then maneuvered his ship like a complete pro managing to turn around and fly towards the enemy ships (I’ll just let you imagine how he did that for yourself, it’s easier that way). Paul quickly locked on to the closest lobster ship using his ship’s high-tech aiming system. Now came the hard part, deciding which button to push, there were so many of them. Paul built this ship with his own two claws yet he had little to no idea what most of these buttons actually did. All he knew was that they were connected to the ship’s various weapon systems.

Then he remembered, he had played enough pally to know exactly what to do. Without further delay he rolled his face across the control panel pushing buttons randomly. Much like with a paladin, it worked and the ship fired a volley of heat seeking snake explosions at the closest lobster ship. Within seconds the snakes had burrowed into the lobster ship’s thick carapace and exploded the entire thing. Yes, the lobster ships are literally just giant lobsters with rockets instead of legs, deal with it again.

The tiny pieces flew in all directions, some even bounced harmlessly off of Paul’s super cool ship. He didn’t care, however, because he found his next target. Another lobster ship that was trying to turn itself to face Paul’s ship that was now behind it. It was a sitting duck, and in space you don’t want to be a duck. Within seconds Paul had covered the whole thing in human skin oil with his ship’s onboard cannons, now its parent lobster monsters would never take it back to the nest and it would starve to death. Resigned to its fate the lobster ship left with a single tear on its cheek.

“No tears now,” whispered Paul, “just dreams.”

Paul proceeded to do some more l337 space ship maneuvers and managed to murder three more of the lobster ships. He was feeling pretty good, he was already on a killing spree, surely nothing could stop him, right?

"WRONG!"“ Shouted Lex Luthor from behind Paul. He was there the whole time, I just never mentioned him.

Paul just smirked at this, Lex Luthor and his crazy shinaniga- wait a second… Since when was Lex Luthor even still alive?! And why was he on the ship?!?!?! Paul’s eyes suddenly burst open wider than anything’s eyes ever should burst anywhere and he reeled around in his chair pointing to the now lol’ing Lex Luthor who was standing a little ways behind him.

“You, yes you! You are dead!” Shouted Paul in whatever voice you just read that in (Probably Heavy’s).

Lex Luthor just smirked before he pulled a paper mask from his face revealing himself to be none other than RED spy! “I never really was on your side!” he said with a stupid face.

“You were a templar Jond- oh, wrong guy… Erm yes, I should have known you would be working for the lobster men! Now you must die!” Said Paul as he transformed his semi-malleable arms into conscious puppies which he used to beat the RED spy to a pulp. Within seconds, there was blood literally everywhere. Then Paul suddenly realized that there was no one driving the ship.

As if on cue the whole ship shook violently. Paul jumped back into his pilot chair and pivoted back to the ship’s computers to see the damage report. As soon as he saw the screen his heart sank into his open chest cavity. It looks like Gorlok 12 got a direct hit on Paul’s ship with a group of very angry mind bees.

“Not the bees!” Paul shouted as he remembered the last time he had seen bees. To make a long story short, they tried to eat his head. The worst part is, these weren’t your ordinary everyday human bees, these were mind bees created and being controlled by none other than the most powerful lobster man ever! Paul was pretty much screwed now. No point in even trying. The bees would easily burrow through the ship’s hull with their acid and then they would eat Paul’s head via osmosis.

Then Paul gazed up out of his ship’s windows into the space sky. Instead of seeing the horrible blackness that is space, however, he saw a swirling purple cloud that slowly took the shape of a lion.

“Father?” asked Paul upon seeing the lion thing.

“No, I’m not your father, I’m Mufasa!” Said the cloud.

“Then why are you here?” Asked Paul.

“Hell if I know, I’m a cloud. But since I am here, remember. Remember who you are. And more importantly, remember the sun well.” Replied the cloud lion thing.

“But they’re bees father! They want to eat my head and they won’t take no for an answer!” Cried Paul who is a sex raptor.

“It’s time for you to take your place in the circle of life!” Responded Mufasa.

“Wait what? That’s stupid… You know what? I’m just gonna’ go kill those bees.” Paul then pushed a button that caused the ship to secrete jelly out of thousands of little holes in the hull that were made just on the off chance that his ship was attacked by bees. Everybody knows that bees hate jelly, and they all died a horrible, painful death.

He had already wasted too much time with the bees though and Gorlok 12 wasn’t messing around. He came around in his custom built lobster ship and took another shot at Paul. This time he fired a pair of severed Nicolas Cage heads.

“Oh god no! Not the Nicolas Cage!” Screamed Paul! Paul tried to dodge quickly to the right but he was only able to avoid one of the heads. The other smashed into the back of his ship destroying one of the thrusters on contact.

“Damnit!” Shouted Paul, “No man, lobster or otherwise, should have that much Nicolas Cage!” With one of his engines destroyed now he was the sitting duck. How ironic, it had hardly been three hours since he ate a duck.

Satisfied with the damage he did to Paul’s ship, Gorlok 12 did a victory lap through space. The other lobster ships just watched thinking there was nothing Paul could do and that they finally beat him.

Paul, on the other hoof (hehe pony puns, I know you’ll appreciate them), was coming up with a plan to escape while they did their silly victory lap. Then it occurred to him, he had built his ship to be able to travel near the speed of light. Of course he had never tested it, also one of the thrusters was destroyed. But it’s not like he needed them all, and a random space jump going the speed of light is a perfect way to accelerate the plot. This would be perfect, he could just fly off and the lobster men would be so mad. Then a light started blinking on his computer. Paul knew exactly what this one meant, Gorlok 12 was trying to talk to him.

Being the sensible sex raptor that Paul is, he decided to open up communication between them through skype. After pushing a few buttons the screen was filled with the image of a smiling lobster man. This was obviously Gorlok 12.

“Hey Paul,” Gorlok 12 said trying not to giggle, “Did you like the bees?”

“I enjoyed every second of the bees thoroughly thank you very much.” Paul replied.

“Fine, you’re no fun. By the way, once I kill you I’m going to pee in your skull. Just think about that for a couple of seconds. Having pee in your skull.” Said Gorlok 12 with a stupid grin. It was impressive to say the least. The smile that is, lobsters shouldn’t be able to move their faces like that.

“Listen here cum slut-” Started Paul only to be interrupted by Gorlok 12’s giggling.

“Lolol, guys check it out, he so mad!” Said Gorlok 12 as his lobster man friends joined their skype call.

Paul just shrugged. “I aint even mad. Now then, how are you gonna’ pee in my skull…. WHEN I SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE?!?!?” Paul then ended the skype call and pushed a button clearly labeled ‘maximum overdrive’. As soon as he pressed it the engine hissed loudly and the ship jetted forward at an outrageous speed.

Gorlok 12 was shocked to say the least, he didn’t think Paul’s ship could travel that fast with the damaged thruster. Oh well, it would probably explode randomly, but they might as well follow it just in case. They couldn’t travel at light speed, but they knew exactly what direction Paul had zoomed off in so they could just go that way and hopefully catch up with him eventually. It’s not like Gorlok 12 had anything planned for the weekend. And with that the 7 remaining lobster ships started off towards their target.

Paul was now careening randomly through space at an extremely high speed. Such a speed would probably turn all of his delicious organs to soup if he wasn’t a sex raptor. Unfortunately he had no idea where he was going, he didn’t have time to aim his ship or anything.

He was going fine for about a minute until his ship was struck by something. All kinds of alerts started going off and Paul checked the computers for a damage report. It looks like whatever they hit, it had taken off most of the right wing. He had no idea what he had hit, probably just a space cow or something out looking for spiritual Nevada. Paul smirked, what a stupid concept.

His smile faded when the ship, now off balance from losing a wing, started spinning uncontrollably at a very high speed (space physics, how do they work?) and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nothing, except maybe to slow down. So he did just that. By propelling himself in the opposite direction he was able to slow to a halt after about 30 seconds.

Now alone floating in space he was able to properly asses the damage to his ride. Thankfully, it held out pretty well through his light speed endeavors, but it was looking pretty beat up now. For one, the mind bees’ acid had done a lot of damage to his hull. Next he was missing one the ship’s wings which contained a set of thrusters. To top that off, the Nicolas Cage head did a number on his rear thrusters.

Basically, he was screwed if he got in a fight and he would hardly be able to even fly straight with all of the damage. Once again he was a duck, and the lobster men are no doubt on their way right now to destroy his skin. This time there would be no mercy, his skull was going to be filled with pee.

“No!” Yelled Paul, “My skull has taken enough abuse, it doesn’t need this!” With that he started to examine his options. Either he could try to fly away and avoid the lobster men, or he could land on a nearby planet. Flying away probably wouldn’t work, they would be able to track him through space so he probably wouldn’t get far. He decided that the second option was much better.

After a quick scan of the nearby planets he found one that looked hospitable. Further scans confirmed that at least it had trees and therefore water and air. Hopefully it wasn’t another planet inhabited entirely by billions of giant centipedes like the last one he had lived on, that would suck.

After turning his ship to face the new planet he set off towards it. It looks like a nice place, perhaps today won’t be so bad after all.

A few minutes later

“OH GOD WHAT WAS I THNKING?! THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!” Shouted Paul as he entered the planet’s atmosphere. Without a wing there was no way he could possibly steer himself here and he had started spinning out of control rapidly. Do a barrel roll! Do a barrel roll! Do a barrel roll!

“SCREW YOU PEPPY! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

Paul was now frantically trying to get his ship under control by pressing random buttons, unfortunately it wasn’t working very well. Now mostly on fire, his ship finally broke the cloud cover and he was able to see the forest coming straight for him! Well today officially sucked, there was no way he could possibly survive this. Resigned to his moosey fate all he could do now was scream as he neared the ground.

“FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

*Boom*

His screams were cut short as his ship hit the tree line causing a massive explosion.

Meanwhile at home tree

“Ahhh, what in Celestia‘s mane was that?!” Yelled Twilight bursting from her bed after the sudden loud noise.

Spike was a little more calm, probably because he was very tired. “Yeah, what is it now Twilight?” He said with a yawn.

Twilight had already run to the balcony looking around frantically for what had caused the disturbance in what should have been a quiet peaceful night. Other ponies clearly had the same idea as they pushed open blinds or came outside to see what had disturbed their sleep. “We have to find out what that was!” Said Twilight, now determined to stay up all night.

“Come on Twilight, I’m tired. Can’t this wait till morning?”

“Nope.avi” responded Twilight, who is a unicorn in case you forgot. “Whatever made all that noise can’t possibly be good, we have to check it out. All of Ponyland could be in danger!”

“Don’t you mean Ponyville?” Asked Spike.

“No, Ponyland, as in the planet we’re living on. It’s inhabited by ponies, therefore it’s named Ponyland.”

“You mean Equestria?” Asked Spike now very confused.

“No Equestria is just this country. What, has no pony ever mentioned what the planet is called?” Said Twilight, now she was slightly confused.

“Come to think of it, no, no pony has ever said ANYTHING about the rest of the planet outside of Equestria. For all we know the rest of the planet could be inhabited by billions of giant centipedes.” Said Spike now looking a little scared.

“Oh Spike, where do you get such absurd ideas? A place inhabited entirely by giant centipedes? That’s just ridiculous!” Laughed Twilight.

Then suddenly Applejack burst through the library door followed closely by Rainbow Dash. “Hey sugar cube! Did you hear that really loud noise? Also my country accent is gone suddenly!”

“Yeah I heard the- wait what?” Asked Twilight.

“It’s true, I can’t talk like a redneck anymore at all! It’s really freaking me out!” Cried Applejack.

“First a noise, now Applejack isn’t speaking in a ridiculous accent? Either someone is really lazy or the sound and this are somehow connected. I think it will be easier for us if we just blame all of our problems on that sound! Also what were you and Rainbow doing out this late together?” Asked Twilight.

“O-oh we were just, um, well-” Stuttered Applejack.

Rainbow quickly butted in, “We were just having a late night race to see who is the fastest.” Said rainbow with a wink towards Applejack. I guess it wasn’t a complete lie.

“Luckily I’m naive enough to believe everything you say, Applebro, you are the element of honesty after all so you would NEVER tell your best friend a lie.” Said Twilight, “Now than, do you guys know what made that noise?”

“Yeah there was like this big explosion in the Everfree and it was so awesome!” Yelled Rainbow Dash as she flew around the library excitedly.

“And now there’s a bunch of smoke coming from there.” Explained Applejack.

“Well then, as Celestia’s personal apprentice it is my responsibility to find out what’s going on. Appleman and Rainbow Guy, go get the rest of our friends! We’re going to go check this out.” Said Twilight now very confident.

“Wait, so you want us, a group of small female ponies who have little to no real combat experience, to go out into the dangerous forest filled with murderous creatures at night to find out what caused a huge explosion?” Asked Applejack, “Why don’t we just send Celestia a letter? I’m sure she could take care of this a lot easier than we could.”

“Oh Appleguy, you and your jokes. We’ll be fine, and Celestia is surely far too busy to take care of such a simple thing that we could easily do ourselves.” Replied Twilight Sparkle.

Meanwhile at Canterlot castle

“I’m so lonely! Why doesn’t anyone ever send me letters? I literally have nothing better to do, my life is a meaningless expanse of time! They hardly even need me to run the country because there is like no crime and all our problems are solved by magic!” Cried Celestia alone in her room.

Now back at Ponyville

“Besides, what could possibly go wrong?” Asked Twilight.

“Yeah!” Shouted Pinkie Pie, “We’re the mane characters, nothing bad could possibly ever happen to any of us!”

“Oh Celestia!” Screamed Twilight, “Where did you even come from?!”

“Well when a mommy pony and a daddy pony love each other verrrrry much-”

“Woah sugar cube we don’t need that speech right now, she meant where were you at just a few moments ago?” Interrupted Applejack.

“Oh silly, I’ve been watching Twilight read for hours. Now let’s go find out where that plot device, I mean noise, came from!” Said Pinkie Pie, carefully changing the subject and bouncing around happily so no one would catch the hint of bloodlust in her eyes. She had been close this time, she was so patient, Twilight had almost gone to sleep. Stupid noise ruined all her careful planning, now she would have to wait for another opportunity to feed her insatiable need for blood. But that could wait, she had to act innocent now, they would never suspect a thing!

“Although that is one of the creepiest things I have ever heard, and I don’t doubt that it’s true at all, we really should get a move on. No use standing around here all day.” Said Applejack.

“Yeah,” Rainbow but in, “let’s go, I’m already tired of this stuffy old library.”

“Fine, Rainbow Man, you go get Flutterguy. Appledude, you get Rarity and meet back here.” Said Twilight.

Satisfied with that they all put their hoofs in and shouted “GO TEAM FRIENDSHIP!” before Rainbow Dash and Applejack ran back out the door.

Now Pinkie Pie and Twilight were left alone in the center of the library while Spike went back to sleep. “Well… This is awkward…” Said Twilight.

After about an hour everypony was finally back at the library.

“For the love of Celestia’s flank, it sure took you ponies long enough!” Shouted Twilight who wasn’t happy about spending the last hour being talked to death by Pinkie.

“Sorry sugar, Rarity insisted on doing her mane before she left, why do we even have to bring her with?” Said Applejack.

“Because she’s a unicorn which means that she’s a hundred time more useful than any of you ponies since she can do magic.” Replied Twilight as though it was obvious.

“Dang Twilight, I never knew you were a racist.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“Well, we are the master race. HAIL CELESTIA!” Replied purple guy.

“HAIL CELESTIA!” Repeated all of the other ponies in unison.

“Um, why are we here? If you don’t mind me asking that is.” Said Fluttershy in a quiet voice.

“Well now that everypony is here, I’m sure that you are curious as to what made that noise out in the woods. Well as responsible, undefined age ponies it’s our job to go and find out!” Said Twilight taking her place as leader of the group.

“Speaking of that, how old are we supposed to be anyways?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh silly! Isn’t it obvious! There are only four ages of ponies. Baby ponies, fillies, adult ponies, then old ponies. Everypony knows that! And we aren’t super old so we’re just adult ponies!” Replied Pinkie Pie as though it was obvious.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Confirmed Twilight. “Now then, back to the matter at hoof, we are going into the forest now!”

Fluttershy shrunk back at the thought of going into the forest at night. “B-but can’t we just wait till morning so it’s not so s-scary?” She whispered.

“Nein! We go now!” Shouted Twilight. “Bigger Applebloom, tie her up and carry her. I heard she’s into that kind of thing anyways.”

“You got it!” Said Applejack as she hogtied Fluttershy and placed her on her back. Rainbow Dash was slightly Jelly.

“Now let’s go!” Yelled Twilight as they all galloped out of the library into the night.

It only took them a few minutes to reach the Everfree forest which they ventured into despite the thick trees. Thankfully they block out enough sunlight to keep the foliage from growing too much. They also knew exactly where to go thanks to a pillar of smoke that rose over the Everfree. That would surely lead them to where they wanted to go. Although they couldn’t see it most of the time in the forest, they occasionally spotted it through the trees confirming which direction they needed to travel.

The trip went by without any problems, and after a little more than an hour the sun started to come over the horizon illuminating the forest. They could tell they were getting close now, the smell of burnt plants was progressively getting stronger. Then they spotted a clearing up ahead. It wasn’t a natural clearing, it was filled with smashed and charred trees. No doubt this is where Rainbow Dash saw the explosion.

The group pressed on into the clearing noticing a few small fires still burning, nothing dangerous though.

“Oh this smoke is going to ruin my mane!” Whined Rarity in the stereotypical way.

“Le sigh, can you stop whining now, we’re here.” Said an annoyed Twilight.

“I knew we shouldn’t have brought her.” Complained Applejack with Fluttershy still tied to her back.

“Oh please Applejack, I’m a unicorn so you can’t talk about me like that, if I wanted to I could levitate all of your organs our of your throat using my magic. Remember that next time you’re going to say something insulting.” Responded Rarity.

“Awww now Rarity is a racist too?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

She was just met with a glare from the two unicorns in the group. Of course Rainbow Dash wouldn’t understand, they thought, she’s a stupid Pegasus.

“Oooooh what’s this? What’s this?!” Shouted Pinkie Pie excitedly pointing at a burnt piece of metal and reminding all them ponies why they were there in the first place.

On further inspection Twilight noticed that there were a bunch of big chunks of metal all over the place. Metal, an explosion? Something didn’t quite add up. After a few minutes of sifting through metal in the clearing they found a slightly larger piece. After a little bit of digging they found that it was a lot bigger than they had first though, it was just mostly covered in dirt and trees.

After uncovering some of the strange thing they noticed that it was hollow and they all decided that it would be a fantastic idea to step inside. It only took them a few seconds to notice a lump laying in the middle of the floor. Further inspection revealed it to be some kind of deformed looking dragon without any wings. It was also wearing a tie.

“Stand back everyone,” commanded Twilight, “I know exactly what to do!”

She then proceeded to poke the unconscious dragon thing with her horn.

A few hours earlier, Paul was aboard his ship hurtling to his death. A head on collision with the ground at this speed would surely reduce his body to a viscous goo, he didn’t stand a ghost of a chance. He was just going too fast to slow down and his emergency parachutes simply burst into flames when he tried to deploy them.

“FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” Shouted Paul thinking that he was about to die. Then he remembered something very important. He isn’t just your ordinary, run of the mill sex raptor. No, he was the best sex raptor. He was also wielder of the most powerful source of energon in the known universe, the economy. The economy had chosen him as its avatar after he inadvertently killed the government monster by crashing the earth into the sun. The Economy must always have a captain.

In exchange for him strengthening the economy, it granted him some of its energon which he could siphon from subspace where the economy resides. This was perfect, now he could make an energon shield and save himself! Then he saw the ground approaching him extremely fast. Paul barely had time to create a shield around himself before his ship struck the top of the trees creating a massive explosion. Paul was saved from most of the damage by the economy, but it was still enough to knock him unconscious.

Paul dreamt of waffles, the biggest waffles anyone has ever grown as far as the eye can see. He frolicked through the field of breakfast foods without a care in the world. Even the honey badgers were nice here and together, Paul and the honey badgers, ate a hearty breakfast of waffles with the most delicious syrup he had ever tasted. Then suddenly one of the honey badgers got up and started poking him with the knife it had used to cut up the waffles. Paul swiped a claw at the honey badger trying to shoo it away but it was persistent.

“Hey quit pokin’ me with your thing!”

As soon as he said that the honey badger stopped. He was happy, now he could get back to his waffles, but the waffles were missing! Paul looked all around. No, where were they? The waffles were here, he saw them! Now there were none! Panic took over and Paul started hyperventilating, without waffles is life even worth living?

Then Paul woke up. It took his eyes a few seconds to adjust and then he saw a bunch of colorful ponies standing there. Paul just rubbed his face with a claw, clearly not surprised by anything at this point.

“If you’re going to eat my skin can you at least make it quick, I was having a nice dream about waffles.” Said Paul in an irritated voice.

The ponies just stared at him like he was leaking vital goo from his important hearing facilities.

“What, am I leaking vital goo from my important hearing facilities or something?” Asked Paul slightly disturbed by their staring.

“Um, no, hi. I’m Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends,” She made a motion with her hoof towards the group of ponies standing behind her. “We were just kinda’ surprised when you talked.”

“Yeah, I’d be surprised when you talked too, except I’ve seen some shit.” replied Paul nonchalantly.

“Um… Alright, anyways, who are you, and what are you?”

Paul stood up on his back legs and dusted himself off with his claws before adjusting his tie. The ponies backed up slightly when he did, he was a lot taller than them. “The names Paul, I’m a sex raptor.”

“A what what?” Asked twilight sparkle slightly confused.

“A sex raptor, like a velociraptor, just a lot cooler.” Replied Paul while examine his claws like it was no big deal.

“You don’t look so cool to me.” Said Rainbow dash while crossing her hooves.

“And that tie is really tacky.” Agreed Rarity.

“Bitch I’m fabulous!” Said Paul, “U just jelly.”

“Neither am I nor have I ever been jelly, as you can see my friends and I are all ponies.” Said Twilight in her know it all voice.

“Alright, I honestly couldn’t care less what your names are, however, since it seems I’m going to be stuck here for a while I suppose I should ask to be polite. Who are you?” Said Paul like he didn’t give a crap (which he didn’t).

“Well as I already said, I’m Twilight Sparkle, I’m also Ponyville’s librarian and Celestia’s personal apprentice.” Said Twilight Sparkle looking very proud.

“Look, pony thing, I asked for your name, not your life story.” Said Paul slightly annoyed at this point.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in all of Equestria!”

“I was just flying at about 670 million miles per hour a few hours ago, I’d like to see you beat that.” Said Paul while once again examining his claws.

“What? No you weren’t! That’s impossible!” Said Rainbow Dash clearly not buying that.

“Speed of light bitch, I dun it. How do you think I got here?”

“That’s a good question.” Said Twilight curiously, “How did you get here, and what is with all the metal?”

“Well, that WAS my space ship that I built myself. I was just cruising along, mindin’ my on business when Gorlok 12 and his friends decided to attack me. So after a fight, in which I totally powned a bunch of them my ship was damaged so I flew out of there at the speed of light like a complete winner and I showed up by this planet. Then I decided to land and here we are.” Said Paul.

“Crash landed maybe…” Said Twilight Sparkle as she started to get annoyed by the creatures rude behavior.

“Meh, good enough.” Said Paul with a shrug.

“And you expect us to believe that your some kind of space alien that came here in that pile of junk over there?” Asked Twilight suspiciously.

“Well it was pretty nice until it exploded.” Said Paul.

“So then that’s what caused the explosion! You woke us all up!” Said Twilight frustrated.

“I’m not going to apologize for that, you’d think you would be excited to meet an alien.” Said Paul with a smug grin.

“Oooh oooooh! I’m excited! A real live alien this is so cool I’m gonna throw you a party and everything, this is gonna’ be so much fun and we can be best friends now! Also, I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Cool beans.” Said Paul not phased in the slightest by her overexcited nature.

“And I’m Rarity, the greatest fashion designer in all of Equestria and you simply must let me design you a new tie. That one is so bland and unstylish.”

“Bitch I’ll cut you.” Replied Paul.

Rarity just responded with a huff. She wasn’t used to being spoken to that way.

“And I’m Fluttershy.” Said Fluttershy in an extremely quiet voice that would have been hard to hear if Paul wasn’t a sex raptor. Paul then realized that the ponies were all super adorable, but he would never let them know that. He still had his pride.

“Nice to meet you Fluttershy.” Said Paul with his first non rude response all day.

“How’d you hear her, I couldn’t even hear her and I’m right next to her!” Asked Twilight slightly impressed.

“Giiiiiirl I’m a sex raptor, my ears are pretty much the best.” Said Paul.

“And ahm Applejack, nice ta’ meetcha. Me and mah family own sweet apple acres in Ponyville where we grow the best apples in all of Equestria if I do say so myself.” Said Applejack with a horribly forced southern accent while shaking Paul’s claw vigorously.

“Your accent is clearly fake, thought I’d let you know.” Said Paul.

Applejack frowned and walked away. She had tried to force her old accent but it hadn’t worked, he saw right through it. Maybe she would just have to get used to talking like a normal pony.

“Alright, now that I know all your names I’d like to say that they are pretty ridiculous. I can only assume that your collective parents probably got together right when you were all born and ate bag upon bag of garbage until they were delirious enough to think of the stupidest names that they could. They then gave you those names. That’s just my hypothesis though. They could have ingested dozens of other hallucinogens as well for the same effect.” Said Paul.

The group just stared at him slightly shocked by the strange insult until he continued.

“Now then, purple guy, you said that you knew the princess or something?” Continued Paul.

“That’s Twilight Sparkle and I’m not a guy!” Said a now blushing Twilight.

“Oh, you see, I just assumed you were all guys, I couldn’t be sure.” Said Paul.

“Anyways, I am Princess Celestia’s apprentice, so yes, I know her.” Said Twilight insulted that he had already mixed up her gender, forgotten her name, and forgotten her job that she had just told him like a minute ago.

“Alright, could you perhaps contact this princess for me? I’d be interested in speaking with her.” Said Paul while rolling his eyes.

“Woah, woah, woah, I can contact the princess, but I’m afraid she’s far too busy to speak to every rude dragon thing that claims to be an alien.” Said Twilight.

Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle

“Oh me! I’m so freaking bored. What have I done with my life? I have no friends, no hobbies and tons of free time. My apprentice hardly even contacts me anymore. Worst part is no one wants to talk to me, they’re all too nervous because I’m the princess! Why can’t somepony different, perhaps smart, and with a weird sense of humor, and who likes sexual innuendos just come and talk to me. That’s all I want!” Cried Celestia once again alone in her room.

Once again Back in the Everfree

“I’m sure she would want to talk to me, I know a little something about ruling. I ran an entire planet for a while.” Said Paul proudly. It was true, after city world was attacked by both ant men and then lobster men it was almost completely destroyed, but Paul was finally able to defeat them and save the remaining human citizens. Unfortunately the attacks had left the planet in a horrible state so Paul stepped in and rebuilt the government and the infrastructure. Before long it was thriving, then years later the lung leeches working together at the time with Gorlok 12 who commanded a massive armada of lobsters finally destroyed the whole planet.

But that was all in the past, Paul had moved on since then.

“Pshh, NO pony would want to talk to you, especially not the princesses.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“Woah now, Rainguy, no need to be rude. We’re all friends here chief.” Said Paul. The others reluctantly agreed and remembered that friendship is what’s truly important, even if Paul was a complete dick.

“Now that we’re friends, how about you guys show me around this ‘Pony town’ where you live.” Said Paul. These Ponies were so easy to troll, he loved it.

“Well I suppose so. And it‘s Ponyville” Said Twilight Sparkle clearly not liking the idea of bringing him into town. Pinkie was ecstatic about the idea, however, and quickly grabbed his claw with her hoof to lead him back towards town. He would be very confused about how she was able to do that if he hadn’t seen so much weird stuff in his life.

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Hey you just read this and this is crazy, but I like comments to type them. Maybe?