It's been a while since I've done a review, so I decided to pick something from the masochism submission folder. Today's story is Wingless by Chaosmare. Let's take a look, shall we?

Thank you for that commentary, Interactive Rainbow Dash. It adds some color to this bland space. I mean, it really takes some talent for a story to receive less than a hundred views and zero comments in the course of two months. This isn't even an obscure crossover. That means that something's gone horribly, horribly wrong with the story's sales pitch.

First of all, there's no cover art. You don't have to pick something fancy; a simple screenshot will do. Take this for example:

Ta-da! It took all of two minutes to find that.

Secondly, the actual description itself is loaded with horrific grammar errors.

As everypony awaits for the start of the Equestrian 500., None none are more exceeded excited then than Rainbow Dash. In her first Equestrian 500, she's looking to prove she can fly with the best. However, when she shows off her best move., She she may have written a fate worst worse then than death for one of her competitors.

Ugh. It's not the worst that we've seen here, but any errors at all, especially obvious ones, can turn away readers at the drop of an eyelash. For the record, the short description is just as terrible.

Thirdly, the combination of tags, description, and title completely spoil the story. Even without opening the story text, I already know that Dash is going to perform a sonic rainboom and it's going to result in somepony losing his/her wings. Why should I read this if I already know what's going to happen?

Fourthly, the character tags are Rainbow Dash and an OC. The tragedy's going to happen to somepony that nobody cares about. Way to draw people in...not! Seriously, the OC isn't even mentioned in the description at all. If the story doesn't care about him/her, then why should I?

Fifthly, this is the author's bio (which is visible above the story on the cover page):

I'm new to the MLP show and New to the Fanfiction genre because I usually write my own work, but since I've seen the show. It seems the Fanfiction bug has bit me.

For the love of root canals, please don't tell us that you're new. Most new authors produce horribly flawed works, and the grammar errors just reenforce that notion. That turns away potential readers so quickly that their tails will slap you on their way out. With a bio like that, you've doomed not just this story, but everything you publish here, to languish in obscurity.

Sixthly, the story's rating is a whopping 2:1. That's too few to pass judgement, but only three people thought this story was worth rating out of seventy-seven? One of whom may be the author? Really?

I haven't even started yet, and I already have six good reasons to close the tab and walk away. Ouch. Well, I didn't come here just to walk away.

Rainbow Dash stood tall and proud as the news pony took her picture. The stallion thanked her before moving onto the next Pegasus. A smirk formed on her face as she saw the next day’s headlines stream through her mind: Rainbow Dash, winner on the Equestrian 500. She gated with excited as she trotted in place.

As an opening paragraph, it needs work. I like the focus on Dash and her mental state. The description is light, but there's enough to tell what's going on. 'A smirk formed on her face' is an awkward way of saying that she smirked. It's good to vary sentence structure, but that's too passive for my tastes. That last sentence needs serious editing. It makes about as much sense as washing kittens with traffic cones. Generally, the grammar of this story is best compared to an ice-riddled river. It normally flows smoothly, but when it jams up, it really jams up.

After her picture, Dash talks with her friends who give her some encouragement, and are apparently serving as her pit crew. Um, sure, why not? Who cares if Dash is not a machine? Let's keep this as close to the Daytona 500 as possible. The characterization of the mane six is fine, though aside from Dash, the others don't get much screen time.

“I wouldn’t be so cocky Rainbow Dash. There are a lot of good flyers in the competition,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, but with my excellent flying skills and you all as my pit crew. Everypony’s just racing for second place,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yeah right!” a voice squeaked. Rainbow Dash turned and saw a small Pegasus filly glaring at her. The filly had a dark blue coat with a grey mane and tail and ember colored eyes. Rainbow Dash just chuckled at the filly.

It's nice to see an author who knows the correct way to punctuate dialog (aside from a missing direct-address comma). Here, we're introduced to the first OC. It's important to get a description, but it's blandly dropped in our laps instead of being organically integrated into the narrative.

What do I mean by that? Something like this:

Example: “Yeah right!” a voice squeaked. Rainbow Dash turned and saw a small pegasus filly glaring at her with ember eyes. Rainbow Dash just chuckled at the grey-maned, dark blue filly.

Those are the same exact details but they appear alongside the action instead of being wedged between it.

“There you are skyward,” a Pegasus said as he flew down and landed next to the filly before adding, “I’ve be been looking all over for you.” The filly looked up at him and smiled before she turned to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash looked at the filly before she examined the Pegasus. He had a blazing red coat with a yellow mane and tail that looked like it had the pattern of flames in it. On his flank was a fire ball.

These OCs might as well be named Dale Earnhardt and Dale Earnhardt Jr. given their inevitable fate here. The fire motif is kind-of edgy, but it fits the racing scheme so I'll allow it.

The younger sister is the hotheaded one who argues with Dash about who the best flyer is, while Flame Blitz himself is laid-back and generally embarrassed by his sister's antics. That's an interesting family dynamic and it adds flavor to these ponies' characterizations. As far as OCs go, they're pretty good.

“Come on, we need to get back to Ahsi. She’s been worried sick,” Flame Blitz said before he turned around to leave. He hadn’t taken more than two steps when Rarity appeared in front of him, a shocked look on her face.

“Ahsi? You can’t mean the Ahsi that owns the most luxurious spa in Canter lot?” Rarity said. Flame Blitz nodded slowly, a little taken aback by her sudden appearance. Everyponies ears bent backwards as Rarity let out a high pitched sequel in excitement as she trotted in place.

Ah, this last pony is actually part of Blitz's pit crew. Having her be a famous pony is a nice little detail that adds to the world-building. Her name's a bit odd, but it's probably a play on the Spanish words 'ah, sí' which mean 'ah, yes.' Rarity's reaction is genuine and cute. Ahsi's interested in Blitz in a more-than-professional manner, but her appearance is too short to build on that. It's mentioned to increase the tragedy, I guess?

An announcer calls for the race to begin and the ponies get in position.

At the starting line Rainbow Dash stood behind ten other ponies. She had on a vest that had the number two on it. She really wanted the vest with number one on it but it was already taken by another Pegasus.

Pfft. In "Sonic Rainboom," Dash just took whatever number she wanted, other ponies be damned.

Celestia lifted her head up as her horn laminated. Both Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz dug their right fore-hooves into the ground as their wings extended. Celestia shot up a large ball of golden aura into the sky. As it ascended, both Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz exchanged a final looked at each other before they looked forward and narrowed their eyes. The ponies around them extended their wings and prepared to take off. The large orb of aura continued to soar into the sky before it exploded in the air. In an instant pegasi flew past the first corner, sending a shockwaves through eh stand as cheers erupted from the ponies watching the race. .

Her horn laminated. That's a pretty funny typo but it should still be fixed. Regardless, the race begins. There's some decent description here, and a good attempt at building the atmosphere, but the ugly typos really tear down what was accomplished. This is proof that you shouldn't rely on Clippy as your only editor.

Rainbow Dash had pasted Soarin and using the drift from Rainbow Dash so did Flame Blitz. Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes as she sped towards Spitfire. Rainbow’s tongue was hanging out of the corner of her mouth as she drew closer to Spitefire. She knew that the next turn was a hard hairpin right and she would make her move then. However, she was so focused on passing Spitefire she hadn’t seen Flame Blitz use the drift from her to, not only pass her but also, in one motion pass Spitefire before the turn. He quickly turned his body to the right and the group flew by another corner, creating a shock wave.

As expected, the race is mostly neck-and-neck between Dash and Blitz. The action's broken up by commentary from Hoff Hoof Hood [something] Gordon, Earnhoof, and cheering from the fans. It's paced well and generally feels like a real race. In my opinion, the Wonderbolts should have been putting up more of a challenge, but this is an AU and it is what it is. Spitefire's name should also be Spitfire methinks.

Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz continued their fight for first place and as they continued to pull further away from the pack they soon started lapping other pegasi. Now and again the two would land in their pits so their crew could give them water and keep their wings from cramping up. Rainbow Dash drank some of the water Rarity had brought and spat it back out. The pure water she had brought didn’t taste so pure to Rainbow Dash. Flame Blitz’s right eye twitched as his mouth hung open while Ahsi massaged his wings.  He nearly fell to the ground at how good it felt but quickly composed himself and jetted off.

Ah, so that's how pegasai pit crews work. I have to shake my head at this. The thought of stopping for a massage in the middle of a race is just plain weird. Also, please don't jump focus from one character to another in the same paragraph; it's annoying.

So Dash has her rainboom and comes in first, as expected. Up to this point, the story's done quite well aside from some grammar blunders, but this is where it falls apart. One would think that a horrible accident on the final bend of an intense race would be worth mentioning, but the announcers don't care and everypony else (even Derpy) finishes except for Flame Blitz. Dash is left wondering what happened to him but thanks to attention from the media, all she can catch is a glimpse of a shocked reaction from Ahsi.

“Good?! That was Awesome!” Pinkie yelled as she snorted before she added, “Too bad about that Blitz pony though.”

“Why?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Officials said he suffered a wing cramp and crashed into a tree. He’s been sent to the Ponyville hospital,” Applejack said.

A wing cramp? Seriously? The understatement of the year award goes to...(drumroll, please)...random race officials who conspire with the media to cover up the gruesome horrors of pegasai racing. What the fuck? This makes no sense!

(a) Why would they cover up something like that? It makes them look exceptionally callous and cold.

(b) How did none of the gathered journalists even show a passing interest in the accident? That kind of thing by itself is bigger news than Dash! Do I care who won the 2001 Daytona 500? No! All I remember is that Dale Earnhardt died!

(c) Why keep something as awful as that secret from Dash? If her rainboom's dangerous then she needs to know!

(d) If this is an attempt to build suspense and keep things secret from the reader, then it failed horribly because WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THANKS TO THE STORY'S TITLE AND DESCRIPTION!

Three weeks later, Rainbow Dash finally decides to visit Flame Blitz in the hospital. No surprise, his wings are gone. Well, Dash is shocked at least. Far be it for me to call an OC OOC, but Flame Blitz's behavior in this scene is really odd.

“Yeah, my right wing had a cramp and went stiff. I slammed into a tree. The fall knocked me out. When I came too, the doctors told me my right wing was completely torn off and my left was crushed beyond repair,” Flame Blitz said. He acted like he was explaining a small cut he had gotten while cooking.

“But your wings! They’re-how can you be so calm about that,” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“Easy, I’m still breathing. That’s a blessing in its self,” Flame Blitz said before he sat down and thought before he added, “Actually; I do wish I still had one wing. I could be the one winged pony!” he laughed at the thought.

He's still sticking to the story of a 'wing cramp' and plays the whole 'at least it's not worse' card. Either he's feigning happiness because he's super depressed, or he's broken the all-time record for acceptance of his horrible fate. His humor's okay, but kind-of tasteless. It also reminds me of those ultra-edgy video game villains and pulls me away from the story. I have more to say, but the story itself finds fault with his tale so I'll let it go first.

Dash leaves the hospital and finds Quick Play, a unicorn whose magic recording crystals made a record of the event.

“I want to see when Flame Blitz got his wing cramp,” Rainbow Dash said. Something about what happened didn’t seem right to her. He was flying fin all throughout the race and he had a profession massage pony keeping his wings from not cramping up. Something didn’t add up.

Gee, ya think? It's worth noting that Dash has more faith in Blitz's girlfriend than he himself does. The implication here is that by blaming his accident on a 'cramp,' he actually blamed his accident on Ahsi. Given that her job depends on her reputation as a masseur, he essentially ruined her professional career. Way to go, asshole.

Dash pressures Quick Play into enhancing the image when she sees two dots behind her in the rainboom.

As the picture came into focus, both pony’s mouths dropped. The two spots Quick Play though where actually Flame Blitz. They saw him falling to the ground as his right wing was severed from his body. With Quick Play’s help, Rainbow Dash discovered that: since Flame Blitz was so close to her when she did the sonic rainboom. The force must of ripped his wing clean off.

Ouch. That grammar, uh, I mean, that had to hurt, and by 'hurt' I mean 'feel a bazillion times different from a wing cramp.' So now we finally have our 'shocking' reveal. Having exposed Blitz's lies and learned the horrible truth, Dash does absolutely nothing because the story ended here.

CREATOR'S CROTCH CRUCIFIXION! This whole story was nothing more than a setup for that 'shocking' reveal which was ruined the second I looked at the cover page!

This story took what could have been a nice exploration of the darker, dangerous side of extreme sports, and ruined it in the most aggravating and offensive manner possible by playing it only for the shock value. Ignoring the fact that writing solely for shock value is a terrible idea, YOU CAN'T SHOCK SOMEONE WHEN YOU REVEAL WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE THE STORY EVEN STARTS!

On top of that, downplaying the tragedy in order to keep things 'secret' is incredibly insensitive not only to those who've been harmed by sporting accidents, but also those who live in danger of them. What am I supposed to believe here? That nobody saw what happened to Flame Blitz when it actually happened? Like hell they didn't! The stadium was packed with fans and the event was being recorded. Were none of those fans cheering for Flame Blitz at all? In three weeks, why was Dash the only pony who thought to zoom in the recording to see what actually happened? Any real fan would have been all over that and would have revealed the truth in less than a day.

By painting a picture where everyone ignores the accident, this story turned a cold shoulder to the very thing that it was supposed to highlight and respect! Who gives a damn about a crippled, dismembered accident victim? Nopony! That's who! You're only worth something if you actually finish the race, otherwise the announcers don't even mention you. Fuck the failures down a river with a spring-loaded cactus!

And what of Flame Blitz? Why the hell was he lying to Dash? Yes, it's possible for extreme physical trauma to addle the mind and cause memory loss (especially when knocked unconscious), but he didn't act as if he had a memory gap. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Did he want to dump his girlfriend in the most passive-aggressive manner possible? Did he not respect Dash as a fellow athlete enough to warn her that her 'cool trick' was actually a deadly weapon? What if she raced again and broke the next pony's neck? Was Blitz paid loads of 'hush money' by race officials to keep mum about the whole thing? We'll never know because the story cut off before he could be confronted!

This story deserves two of these for spoiling itself with its description, and for going far out of its way to build up the shocking reveal which was spoiled by its description.

The story was actually good up until the point where the accident happened. Instead of trying to shock the reader with a 'big reveal' at the end, put the event in a spotlight and let it play out from there. We want drama. We want consequences. We want feels. We don't want to be shocked and left hanging.

It's unrealistic to think that something so major could happen in public, yet still somehow remain secret.

"Look, ma—no wings!"

I pulled the story from the request folder.

Just to finish up, this story's rage rating isn't meant to be an indicator of it's overall quality. It just happened to Dance Dance Revolution all over my buttons. I didn't quote much dialog, but it makes up most of the story and shows good characterization of everyone involved. Never once did I get the feeling that the characters were cardboard or speaking solely to advance the plot.

Best tips I can offer?

•Use cover art. It catches the eye and helps set the tone for the story.

•Put more effort into polishing your work. An editor or proofreader could help here immensely. Grammar errors m bad m'kay?.

•Fix your bio. Seriously, it's attached to your name and appears next to everything you do. People won't take you seriously if it's got obvious typos and you call yourself a newbie.

•Read more. Both good and bad stories can show you what to do better/avoid. If you want more direct help, the Writing Guide linked under the FAQ button is a good place to start.