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Scratch Space

by Palm Palette

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Rage Review: Wingless

It's been a while since I've done a review, so I decided to pick something from the masochism submission folder. Today's story is Wingless by Chaosmare. Let's take a look, shall we?

Thank you for that commentary, Interactive Rainbow Dash. It adds some color to this bland space. I mean, it really takes some talent for a story to receive less than a hundred views and zero comments in the course of two months. This isn't even an obscure crossover. That means that something's gone horribly, horribly wrong with the story's sales pitch.

First of all, there's no cover art. You don't have to pick something fancy; a simple screenshot will do. Take this for example:

Ta-da! It took all of two minutes to find that.

Secondly, the actual description itself is loaded with horrific grammar errors.

As everypony awaits for the start of the Equestrian 500., None none are more exceeded excited then than Rainbow Dash. In her first Equestrian 500, she's looking to prove she can fly with the best. However, when she shows off her best move., She she may have written a fate worst worse then than death for one of her competitors.

Ugh. It's not the worst that we've seen here, but any errors at all, especially obvious ones, can turn away readers at the drop of an eyelash. For the record, the short description is just as terrible.

Thirdly, the combination of tags, description, and title completely spoil the story. Even without opening the story text, I already know that Dash is going to perform a sonic rainboom and it's going to result in somepony losing his/her wings. Why should I read this if I already know what's going to happen?

Fourthly, the character tags are Rainbow Dash and an OC. The tragedy's going to happen to somepony that nobody cares about. Way to draw people in...not! Seriously, the OC isn't even mentioned in the description at all. If the story doesn't care about him/her, then why should I?

Fifthly, this is the author's bio (which is visible above the story on the cover page):

I'm new to the MLP show and New to the Fanfiction genre because I usually write my own work, but since I've seen the show. It seems the Fanfiction bug has bit me.

For the love of root canals, please don't tell us that you're new. Most new authors produce horribly flawed works, and the grammar errors just reenforce that notion. That turns away potential readers so quickly that their tails will slap you on their way out. With a bio like that, you've doomed not just this story, but everything you publish here, to languish in obscurity.

Sixthly, the story's rating is a whopping 2:1. That's too few to pass judgement, but only three people thought this story was worth rating out of seventy-seven? One of whom may be the author? Really?

I haven't even started yet, and I already have six good reasons to close the tab and walk away. Ouch. Well, I didn't come here just to walk away.

Rainbow Dash stood tall and proud as the news pony took her picture. The stallion thanked her before moving onto the next Pegasus. A smirk formed on her face as she saw the next day’s headlines stream through her mind: Rainbow Dash, winner on the Equestrian 500. She gated with excited as she trotted in place.

As an opening paragraph, it needs work. I like the focus on Dash and her mental state. The description is light, but there's enough to tell what's going on. 'A smirk formed on her face' is an awkward way of saying that she smirked. It's good to vary sentence structure, but that's too passive for my tastes. That last sentence needs serious editing. It makes about as much sense as washing kittens with traffic cones. Generally, the grammar of this story is best compared to an ice-riddled river. It normally flows smoothly, but when it jams up, it really jams up.

After her picture, Dash talks with her friends who give her some encouragement, and are apparently serving as her pit crew. Um, sure, why not? Who cares if Dash is not a machine? Let's keep this as close to the Daytona 500 as possible. The characterization of the mane six is fine, though aside from Dash, the others don't get much screen time.

“I wouldn’t be so cocky Rainbow Dash. There are a lot of good flyers in the competition,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, but with my excellent flying skills and you all as my pit crew. Everypony’s just racing for second place,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yeah right!” a voice squeaked. Rainbow Dash turned and saw a small Pegasus filly glaring at her. The filly had a dark blue coat with a grey mane and tail and ember colored eyes. Rainbow Dash just chuckled at the filly.

It's nice to see an author who knows the correct way to punctuate dialog (aside from a missing direct-address comma). Here, we're introduced to the first OC. It's important to get a description, but it's blandly dropped in our laps instead of being organically integrated into the narrative.

What do I mean by that? Something like this:

Example: “Yeah right!” a voice squeaked. Rainbow Dash turned and saw a small pegasus filly glaring at her with ember eyes. Rainbow Dash just chuckled at the grey-maned, dark blue filly.

Those are the same exact details but they appear alongside the action instead of being wedged between it.

“There you are skyward,” a Pegasus said as he flew down and landed next to the filly before adding, “I’ve be been looking all over for you.” The filly looked up at him and smiled before she turned to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash looked at the filly before she examined the Pegasus. He had a blazing red coat with a yellow mane and tail that looked like it had the pattern of flames in it. On his flank was a fire ball.

These OCs might as well be named Dale Earnhardt and Dale Earnhardt Jr. given their inevitable fate here. The fire motif is kind-of edgy, but it fits the racing scheme so I'll allow it.

The younger sister is the hotheaded one who argues with Dash about who the best flyer is, while Flame Blitz himself is laid-back and generally embarrassed by his sister's antics. That's an interesting family dynamic and it adds flavor to these ponies' characterizations. As far as OCs go, they're pretty good.

“Come on, we need to get back to Ahsi. She’s been worried sick,” Flame Blitz said before he turned around to leave. He hadn’t taken more than two steps when Rarity appeared in front of him, a shocked look on her face.

“Ahsi? You can’t mean the Ahsi that owns the most luxurious spa in Canter lot?” Rarity said. Flame Blitz nodded slowly, a little taken aback by her sudden appearance. Everyponies ears bent backwards as Rarity let out a high pitched sequel in excitement as she trotted in place.

Ah, this last pony is actually part of Blitz's pit crew. Having her be a famous pony is a nice little detail that adds to the world-building. Her name's a bit odd, but it's probably a play on the Spanish words 'ah, sí' which mean 'ah, yes.' Rarity's reaction is genuine and cute. Ahsi's interested in Blitz in a more-than-professional manner, but her appearance is too short to build on that. It's mentioned to increase the tragedy, I guess?

An announcer calls for the race to begin and the ponies get in position.

At the starting line Rainbow Dash stood behind ten other ponies. She had on a vest that had the number two on it. She really wanted the vest with number one on it but it was already taken by another Pegasus.

Pfft. In "Sonic Rainboom," Dash just took whatever number she wanted, other ponies be damned.

Celestia lifted her head up as her horn laminated. Both Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz dug their right fore-hooves into the ground as their wings extended. Celestia shot up a large ball of golden aura into the sky. As it ascended, both Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz exchanged a final looked at each other before they looked forward and narrowed their eyes. The ponies around them extended their wings and prepared to take off. The large orb of aura continued to soar into the sky before it exploded in the air. In an instant pegasi flew past the first corner, sending a shockwaves through eh stand as cheers erupted from the ponies watching the race. .

Her horn laminated. That's a pretty funny typo but it should still be fixed. Regardless, the race begins. There's some decent description here, and a good attempt at building the atmosphere, but the ugly typos really tear down what was accomplished. This is proof that you shouldn't rely on Clippy as your only editor.

Rainbow Dash had pasted Soarin and using the drift from Rainbow Dash so did Flame Blitz. Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes as she sped towards Spitfire. Rainbow’s tongue was hanging out of the corner of her mouth as she drew closer to Spitefire. She knew that the next turn was a hard hairpin right and she would make her move then. However, she was so focused on passing Spitefire she hadn’t seen Flame Blitz use the drift from her to, not only pass her but also, in one motion pass Spitefire before the turn. He quickly turned his body to the right and the group flew by another corner, creating a shock wave.

As expected, the race is mostly neck-and-neck between Dash and Blitz. The action's broken up by commentary from Hoff Hoof Hood [something] Gordon, Earnhoof, and cheering from the fans. It's paced well and generally feels like a real race. In my opinion, the Wonderbolts should have been putting up more of a challenge, but this is an AU and it is what it is. Spitefire's name should also be Spitfire methinks.

Rainbow Dash and Flame Blitz continued their fight for first place and as they continued to pull further away from the pack they soon started lapping other pegasi. Now and again the two would land in their pits so their crew could give them water and keep their wings from cramping up. Rainbow Dash drank some of the water Rarity had brought and spat it back out. The pure water she had brought didn’t taste so pure to Rainbow Dash. Flame Blitz’s right eye twitched as his mouth hung open while Ahsi massaged his wings.  He nearly fell to the ground at how good it felt but quickly composed himself and jetted off.

Ah, so that's how pegasai pit crews work. I have to shake my head at this. The thought of stopping for a massage in the middle of a race is just plain weird. Also, please don't jump focus from one character to another in the same paragraph; it's annoying.

So Dash has her rainboom and comes in first, as expected. Up to this point, the story's done quite well aside from some grammar blunders, but this is where it falls apart. One would think that a horrible accident on the final bend of an intense race would be worth mentioning, but the announcers don't care and everypony else (even Derpy) finishes except for Flame Blitz. Dash is left wondering what happened to him but thanks to attention from the media, all she can catch is a glimpse of a shocked reaction from Ahsi.

“Good?! That was Awesome!” Pinkie yelled as she snorted before she added, “Too bad about that Blitz pony though.”

“Why?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Officials said he suffered a wing cramp and crashed into a tree. He’s been sent to the Ponyville hospital,” Applejack said.

A wing cramp? Seriously? The understatement of the year award goes to...(drumroll, please)...random race officials who conspire with the media to cover up the gruesome horrors of pegasai racing. What the fuck? This makes no sense!

(a) Why would they cover up something like that? It makes them look exceptionally callous and cold.

(b) How did none of the gathered journalists even show a passing interest in the accident? That kind of thing by itself is bigger news than Dash! Do I care who won the 2001 Daytona 500? No! All I remember is that Dale Earnhardt died!

(c) Why keep something as awful as that secret from Dash? If her rainboom's dangerous then she needs to know!

(d) If this is an attempt to build suspense and keep things secret from the reader, then it failed horribly because WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THANKS TO THE STORY'S TITLE AND DESCRIPTION!

Three weeks later, Rainbow Dash finally decides to visit Flame Blitz in the hospital. No surprise, his wings are gone. Well, Dash is shocked at least. Far be it for me to call an OC OOC, but Flame Blitz's behavior in this scene is really odd.

“Yeah, my right wing had a cramp and went stiff. I slammed into a tree. The fall knocked me out. When I came too, the doctors told me my right wing was completely torn off and my left was crushed beyond repair,” Flame Blitz said. He acted like he was explaining a small cut he had gotten while cooking.

“But your wings! They’re-how can you be so calm about that,” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“Easy, I’m still breathing. That’s a blessing in its self,” Flame Blitz said before he sat down and thought before he added, “Actually; I do wish I still had one wing. I could be the one winged pony!” he laughed at the thought.

He's still sticking to the story of a 'wing cramp' and plays the whole 'at least it's not worse' card. Either he's feigning happiness because he's super depressed, or he's broken the all-time record for acceptance of his horrible fate. His humor's okay, but kind-of tasteless. It also reminds me of those ultra-edgy video game villains and pulls me away from the story. I have more to say, but the story itself finds fault with his tale so I'll let it go first.

Dash leaves the hospital and finds Quick Play, a unicorn whose magic recording crystals made a record of the event.

“I want to see when Flame Blitz got his wing cramp,” Rainbow Dash said. Something about what happened didn’t seem right to her. He was flying fin all throughout the race and he had a profession massage pony keeping his wings from not cramping up. Something didn’t add up.

Gee, ya think? It's worth noting that Dash has more faith in Blitz's girlfriend than he himself does. The implication here is that by blaming his accident on a 'cramp,' he actually blamed his accident on Ahsi. Given that her job depends on her reputation as a masseur, he essentially ruined her professional career. Way to go, asshole.

Dash pressures Quick Play into enhancing the image when she sees two dots behind her in the rainboom.

As the picture came into focus, both pony’s mouths dropped. The two spots Quick Play though where actually Flame Blitz. They saw him falling to the ground as his right wing was severed from his body. With Quick Play’s help, Rainbow Dash discovered that: since Flame Blitz was so close to her when she did the sonic rainboom. The force must of ripped his wing clean off.

Ouch. That grammar, uh, I mean, that had to hurt, and by 'hurt' I mean 'feel a bazillion times different from a wing cramp.' So now we finally have our 'shocking' reveal. Having exposed Blitz's lies and learned the horrible truth, Dash does absolutely nothing because the story ended here. :facehoof:

CREATOR'S CROTCH CRUCIFIXION! This whole story was nothing more than a setup for that 'shocking' reveal which was ruined the second I looked at the cover page!

This story took what could have been a nice exploration of the darker, dangerous side of extreme sports, and ruined it in the most aggravating and offensive manner possible by playing it only for the shock value. Ignoring the fact that writing solely for shock value is a terrible idea, YOU CAN'T SHOCK SOMEONE WHEN YOU REVEAL WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE THE STORY EVEN STARTS!

On top of that, downplaying the tragedy in order to keep things 'secret' is incredibly insensitive not only to those who've been harmed by sporting accidents, but also those who live in danger of them. What am I supposed to believe here? That nobody saw what happened to Flame Blitz when it actually happened? Like hell they didn't! The stadium was packed with fans and the event was being recorded. Were none of those fans cheering for Flame Blitz at all? In three weeks, why was Dash the only pony who thought to zoom in the recording to see what actually happened? Any real fan would have been all over that and would have revealed the truth in less than a day.

By painting a picture where everyone ignores the accident, this story turned a cold shoulder to the very thing that it was supposed to highlight and respect! Who gives a damn about a crippled, dismembered accident victim? Nopony! That's who! You're only worth something if you actually finish the race, otherwise the announcers don't even mention you. Fuck the failures down a river with a spring-loaded cactus!

And what of Flame Blitz? Why the hell was he lying to Dash? Yes, it's possible for extreme physical trauma to addle the mind and cause memory loss (especially when knocked unconscious), but he didn't act as if he had a memory gap. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Did he want to dump his girlfriend in the most passive-aggressive manner possible? Did he not respect Dash as a fellow athlete enough to warn her that her 'cool trick' was actually a deadly weapon? What if she raced again and broke the next pony's neck? Was Blitz paid loads of 'hush money' by race officials to keep mum about the whole thing? We'll never know because the story cut off before he could be confronted!

This story deserves two of these for spoiling itself with its description, and for going far out of its way to build up the shocking reveal which was spoiled by its description.

The story was actually good up until the point where the accident happened. Instead of trying to shock the reader with a 'big reveal' at the end, put the event in a spotlight and let it play out from there. We want drama. We want consequences. We want feels. We don't want to be shocked and left hanging.

It's unrealistic to think that something so major could happen in public, yet still somehow remain secret.

"Look, ma—no wings!"

I pulled the story from the request folder.

Just to finish up, this story's rage rating isn't meant to be an indicator of it's overall quality. It just happened to Dance Dance Revolution all over my buttons. I didn't quote much dialog, but it makes up most of the story and shows good characterization of everyone involved. Never once did I get the feeling that the characters were cardboard or speaking solely to advance the plot.

Best tips I can offer?

•Use cover art. It catches the eye and helps set the tone for the story.

•Put more effort into polishing your work. An editor or proofreader could help here immensely. Grammar errors m bad m'kay?.

•Fix your bio. Seriously, it's attached to your name and appears next to everything you do. People won't take you seriously if it's got obvious typos and you call yourself a newbie.

•Read more. Both good and bad stories can show you what to do better/avoid. If you want more direct help, the Writing Guide linked under the FAQ button is a good place to start.

Rage Review: The Truth

After that Stu-fest called 'Rise of Spike the Dragon,' I thought I'd look for a story that showed our scaly protagonist in a better light. This story does that (a q-tip could do that), but unfortunately, it's also a bit of a mess.

How bad is it really? Not even Applejack can keep a straight face trying to answer that.

       The Truth   145 • 15

Sad • Slice of Life • Everyone • Complete

Spike will finally get to know "the truth" about his origin.

This fic was a collab between myself and TheOriginalThundersky. I want to thank him/her for help me out and working with me on the idea of this story, and helping me to finish it.

I also want to give a huge thanks to spideremblembrony for his fantastic work of proofreading, editing, and helping me smoothen out the whole story.  

Give them both much love because I feel the deserve it for helping me with this story.

This story was worked on for a number of weeks on and off between days. But I'm happy with the results and hope you guys would enjoy the read as well.

This story has been featured!

The cover art used in the story was made by AssasinMonkey Enjoy everyone.

The actual story description is only one line, while everything else is credits and metadata. Credits are important, but you have to be careful about the metadata you include or you could end up shooting yourself in the foot. Fortunately, there aren't any red flags here like, 'this is something I wrote while drunk.'

Spike will finally get to know "the truth" about his origin.

As for the actual description, it's simple but effective. Putting quotes around "the truth" implies that it's not what it seems to be it is. That added bit of mystery adds to the hook and helps draw people in. The cover art, though, spoils the story, especially if you click on it to see the full-sized version.

The story begins with Spike doing his chores. It's nice to have a reminder of how helpful he is, and it's a better way to start a story than with a generic weather report. Twilight's, um...

“Twilight? You in there?” Still no answer, so he opened the door. He found Twilight reading a book surrounded in an anti-sound bubble. She always read like this.

No, Twilight never reads like that. She's perfectly capable of zoning out and getting lost in her books without using magic. In fact, actively maintaining a shield would be more distracting than not doing so. Thankfully, Spike's there to keep her on track and she runs off to a picnic held in celebration of the day Mare became mayor.

Spike sighed and picked up the book that Twilight had dropped. It was entitled The Big Book Of Heritage In Equestria. His mind started to peak with curiosity as he looked upon the book. Normally, he didn’t like to read and if he did it was only about subjects that interested him. But there was something about this book. Something that compelled him to read it, as if it was begging him to open the cover and take a glance inside.

He walked out of the room towards the stairs when he gave the title another thought. He could almost hear it asking him to give it a chance. Like a child begging for his father’s attention. Spike, heaving a heavy sigh, finally gave it to the books silent temptations. He sat down on the first stair and started flipping through the book’s pages.

And here we have our plot hook. Notice how the story tells us that this book falls outside of Spike's (irritatingly unspecified) interests yet forces him to read it anyway? That's bad. It's a sign of poor planning. If the story doesn't understand Spike's motives, then how are we, as readers, supposed to follow along? I've gone ahead and revised the previously quoted section to make it feel more natural.

Spike sighed and picked up the crusty tome that Twilight had dropped. It was entitled The Big Book Of Heritage In Equestria. His mind peaked with curiosity. What had Twilight gotten herself so engrossed in this time? What was 'heritage,' anyway? Eh, Twilight wasn't going to be back for a while, and Spike had already finished his other chores, so he sat down and started flipping through the book’s pages.

Notice how I avoided the problem of the book falling outside his normal interests by not even mentioning that? If certain details cause problems, it's better not to add them than it is to awkwardly force things into place.

He reads the book twice and finds no information on dragons. That should be expected, because ponies don't know anything about dragons. The show has told us (and Spike) this multiple times. Still, I have to give him points for trying. The book serves its purpose as a framing device for the larger conflict quite well.

“Why can’t I find anything about my family?” Spike muttered to himself. “Everytime I try, it always leads to a dead end.” He made himself a mental note to ask Twilight about his origins when she got back from her excruciatingly long picnic.

And this is where the story starts dragging its feet. Having established the conflict, it would make sense to bring Twilight back in order to keep the plot moving. No such luck, though, because she doesn't return until after Spike conks out and falls asleep on the floor. Yep. We're expected to believe that Twilight's picnic lasted the rest of the day. Gotta watch out for those politicians, I guess. Mayor Mare probably filibustered the salad course.

So why did the story go through the trouble of putting Spike to sleep?

The slumber he had so suddenly been trapped in was discomforting at best. His mind swirled with questions. Where did I come from? Who are my parents? Why did they abandon me? Did they not love me? Did they lose me? Was I stolen from them? Would Celestia do that? Could Celestia do that?

For some angst that easily could have been done while he was awake. If you're going to go through the trouble of putting the character to sleep, story, at least give us a dream sequence. Those can be loaded with symbolism and it'd be a great way to show off your creative side.

Once Spike wakes up, I'm sure he can ask Twilight about—

                                                                            Dear Spike,

I’ve gone to do some early grocery shopping, so you could have some time off until I come back. Don’t make too much of a mess and don’t eat all the Ice Cream.

                                                                                -Twilight

Why is this necessary? Why do we have to drag this out even more? The plot can't progress until Twilight gets her star-spangled-spankee back here, so we're forced to wait again for no real reason! What does this story give us while we wait? A scene where Spike digs around their empty refrigerator and bemoans about how hungry he is. Sure, he's still thinking about his origin too, but his hunger's more important because that's the conflict he's actively trying to resolve.

I don't know why Spike didn't just run to the freezer, because the way that note is written, it sounds like Twilight gave Spike permission to eat ice cream for breakfast. Wait a minute. Why is 'Ice Cream' capitalized? Is that the name of a pony? Did Twilight just give Spike permission to eat (part of) their neighbor for breakfast? They might be running low on food, but damn, that's cold.

Twilight shows up (finally) carrying five bags of groceries with her. So what does this hungry hungry dragon do?

"Hey Twilight," Spike took steps back. The moment was at hand. The moment he would finally receive his answers. Spike, unsure of how to begin, simply blurted out whatever came to mind. "Uh... I have a question about my origins. Where did I come from?"

So yeah, this story wants us to believe that he's so torn up about the mystery of his origin that he forgets to eat. It doesn't work, because it spent the past few paragraphs describing how hungry he was. If he really was that torn up about his origin, he'd have been thinking about that instead of food.

Twilight gave Spike a gentle smile. "Oh Spike, I thought we've been through this already. I don't know where you came from. All I remember is having to open your egg as a baby as a part of my test to get into Celestia's school of gifted unicorns,"

And Twilight reiterates what she's already told him in the past. Thus, the story flounders around while it tries to decide where it wants to go next. While shambling towards Rarity's place, Spike decides that Celestia has the answers he wants so he returns to Twilight and she agrees to take him to see the princess. After he puts the groceries away, of course. Why she couldn't have done that on her own while he was out wandering in the streets, I don't know.

It'd make sense for Spike to send a letter since that would be faster than traveling to Canterlot, but no, they have to go there in person. At least alicorns come equipped with seatbelts.

“Alright Spike, you ready?”

“You bet,” Spike happily climbed onto her loin. He pulled his seatbelt over him, and they were off.

Er... the word 'loin' usually has sexual connotations. Just saying he climbed on her back would be fine.

They flew away from Ponyville to Canterlot, and it was midday. While heading to Canterlot Castle, Twilight decided to show off her skills to the city. Ponies looked and were very happy to watch Twilight soar skillfully through the sky, but Spike wasn’t having such a great time spiraling about the air. The carriage swerved back and forth. Spike could feel his stomach bubbling as if the contents of his breakfast that had yet threatening to pour out of his mouth. He gagged as the chariot descended, for its final landing. Twilight didn’t seem to notice, as she waved down to the ponies below. Something Spike felt a little grateful for.

The trip to Canterlot could have been handled with a simple scene break followed by them knocking on Celestia's door, but no, instead we get a poorly-done transition sequence that breaks all kinds of consistency. First of all, prolonged exposure to the thin atmosphere at high altitude must have caused Twilight Sparkle to mega evolve into Braggart Rainbow Dash. Twilight has never been an attention whore. This is way out of character. Yes, she shows off on occasion, but only after much prodding. Secondly, Spike's riding bare-back, so where did that carriage come from? Is Twilight showing off her transformation magic too? Lastly, how can Spike lose a breakfast that he never ate? That sentence was worded all kinds of awkwardly, and I'm not even sure what it was trying to say.

We get a short but boring scene where they stop to ask a guard where Celestia is because they couldn't have bothered to send an RSVP first.

As they climbed the tower, Spike began to feel a void in the pit of his stomach. At first he thought it was hunger. He hadn’t eaten all day. He was in such a rush for the answers that Celestia had that he wasn’t able to grab a quick bite, even as Twilight insisted.

The story suddenly remembers that Spike hadn't eaten again. It's also worded pretty awkwardly. Why say, 'at first he thought it was hunger,' and then go on to identify it as hunger?

Upon reaching their destination, Spike randomly gets cold feet and stops Twilight from knocking on Celestia's door because actual progression is for other stories. I wish I was joking, but just prior to that, Twilight randomly stood idle in front of the door for so long that Spike berated her for not knocking.

Why did I stop her? I should be in that room, asking Princess Celestia about my family. Then why aren’t I?

Why are you asking me these questions, story? You're the one who's supposed to have the answers! Aaargh! We're over halfway through and the actual plot line hasn't really progressed since about six hundred words in! That's over two thousand words of almost completely worthless filler!

Once they (fucking finally) reach Celestia, Spike asks his question and she wilts but doesn't answer.

“Spike,” [Twilight's] voice began, trying to soften the blow with a calming motherly voice that almost mirrored Celestia’s. “I know you wanted this, more than anything. But I’m afraid we’ll never know where you might’ve came from, Spike.”

Spike heart began to break as tears formed in his eyes. They threatened to flow down his face, like a river rushing vigorously across the land. But these tears contained no life, only the crushed remnants of dream. A dream that he would learn who his family is and where he belonged.

Celestia had plenty of time to say something instead of just sitting there all mopey while Twilight's attempt to comfort Spike caused him to burst into tears. Plus, Spike's forgotten that ponies are his family, and that he belongs with them. This story brings that bit about 'belonging' up again later, so I'll save the full rant for the end.

“Wrong,” Celestia said, surprising both Twilight and Spike.

Yeesh. I know people call her 'Trollestia' for a reason, but that was excessive. Sure, she's saddened by remembering the circumstances in which she acquired Spike's egg, but she should have asked for a minute to collect her thoughts instead of letting them jump to conclusions—or at least cut in before Twilight could finish her sentence.

I'm also bothered by the implication that neither Twilight nor Spike had ever once thought to ask Celestia about Spike's origins prior to this. How long had Twilight been going to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns? It's not specified in the show, but I'd guess about eight to ten years. That's a lot of time to never ask such a basic question.

“I know exactly where he came from, but do you think you are ready for the truth to be revealed?”

Spike looked at the ground. Was the truth so difficult to face? His body shivered as he thought of what horrible truths his imagination could conjure. He fought against the tears that still lingered his eyes, praying for them not to fall. He thought of running out of the room. Running until he could get as far away from the truth as possible. Was the truth really that horrible? Spike contemplated with himself. Back and forth, two sides battle one another. One side begging him to search for his answers now that he was given the chance. The other sought to keep him from the harmful truth that make scar him for years to come.

Now I know Celestia's trolling. That's a repetition of the doorknob angst!

Spike agrees, but Twilight can't come because of some bullshit reason:

“Twilight, however, cannot come For this is something only you should know first and by yourself. If then you choose to reveal it to Twilight then that would be your choosing.”

Sure, go ahead and exclude the pony who lives with him and will have to deal with the fallout. I'm sure that keeping her in the dark will make it easier for her to comfort him! It's not like Twilight doesn't want to know the answer too! If she wants to find out now, she's put in the very awkward spot of having to beg Spike for this info, when for all she knows it could be a very troubling experience for him!

Celestia and Spike head off to the Everfree forest, and there's a mountain there. Yes, the Everfree is a weird place, but an entire mountain in the forest? Really?

Princess Celestia flew with Spike to the side of a mountain where a rock avalanche was covering much of the skeletal frame of an elder dragon.

She flew down in front the colossal head. Spike quickly hopped down and took two steps forward. He then looked at the spikes along the spine of the corpse.  

<snip>

Spike turned away and slowly walked over to the broken egg shells that were filled with dirt. He passed his claws along their shattered edges. Tears dropping from his eyes onto his forever lost siblings.

Here's the big reveal, folks: a description of the story's cover art! Also, way to not warn him at all before dropping him in the middle of it, Trollestia.

Celestia was apparently there when this rockslide on the mountain in the forest took place. The excuse she gives for being unable to help is pretty bad.

“My magic was weak from raising the sun and I couldn’t stop all the rocks from covering your mother,” she turned to meet his teary eyes.

If only the dialog punctuation was the worst part of that sentence (it turned an action tag into a comma splice). Raising the sun has never been a difficult task for Celestia. It's her special talent! We've seen her do it several times, and it's never once stressed her. As far as we know, casting a spell has no impact on subsequent magic use unless it exhausts the caster. The magic itself isn't weakened. That doesn't mean Celestia should have been able to help here, though.

In general, Celestia's been pretty useless in an actual crisis. She sat there and watched Rarity fall in the young flyer's competition. She lost in a fight with Chrysalis. She was abducted by slowly growing vines so quickly that she never even managed to raise an alarm. This story doesn't have to make an excuse for her. Simply saying that she showed up too late to help would have been better than giving her a bad reason for not being able to help.

I couldn’t stop all the rocks from covering your mother

Leave it to Trollestia to make getting crushed to death in a rockslide sound as mundane as putting on a jacket.

“Before she closed her eyes, she told me to save her last egg, saying that it would only be opened by the pony most important to Equestria.” Celestia trotted closer to Spike and put her wing around him, holding him close. “You were in that egg, and Twilight-”

Wow, that dying dragon just dissed Celestia pretty hard. Yep, this sound-bubbling, loop-de-looping, carriage-transforming, spastic alicorn princess who wanted to feed Spike Ice Cream for breakfast is clearly more important to Equestria than its immortal ruler! Then again, I'd be pretty upset too if I were dying and Celestia claimed she couldn't help because she was too exhausted by something that came to her as naturally as breathing.

This story is supposed to be sad, but I've lost any sense of immersion, and I simply don't care anymore. Death's always a hard sell for me in literature. Why? Because it's a very detached medium, and because of crap like this:

Celestia looked at the giant skull of Spike’s Mother and slowly trotted towards it. When she had reached the skull, she placed a hoof onto the aged frame. Her horn glowed a bright yellow and in moments the entire skull was glowing with the same color.

Spike walked up to the giant skull that glowed brightly. He stopped when Celestia had turned to him.

“Come and talk with her, Spike,” she back away and trotted off towards the edge of the cliff. “When you’re done, we must head back. I must lower the sun soon.”

Way to defile the dead there, Sun Princess. Honestly, why should I care that Spike's mother is dead when all it takes to talk with her is just a horn-call on her skull-phone? If this story actually wanted to be respectful, it could have delivered his mother's message via a flashback sequence where Celestia showed Spike the past. Opting for direct communication via necromancy is a pretty lame cop-out.

Yes son, it is your mother. I’m so sorry this tragedy has befallen me and your siblings.

“I really thought you would be here in flesh and blood. I wanted to see you again, but it’s not what I’m watching at in front me right now,” Spike clenched his claw as the tears continued flowing down his face. He hugged the giant skull, kneeling before it.

I will always be with you. Just because you could not meet me alive in the flesh does not mean I am gone forever. I am always here. Every time you open your eyes, I am always there. I may have died… But my love for you will never end… It will go on forever.

This part is so cheesy that I'm laughing at it. With lines like, 'but it’s not what I’m watching at in front me right now,' you can easily see how broken up Spike is by his inability to form coherent English. Why is he only clenching one claw? How does he hug and kneel simultaneously?

Eh, riffing aside, Spike's personality is generally handled well. The biggest problem with his characterization is how the story likes to flip-flop his emotions. See how he's crying here? Look how suddenly he becomes happy:

“Yes Mom, but…” Spike sniffled. “There’s so many things I wanted to show you, friends I wanted you to meet, and-”

My son… I have already seen them.. Because I have seen the wonderful dragon you have grown into.

“Really?” Spike wiped a tear from his eye and gave a smile. He couldn’t understand why he was smiling or what his mother’s words meant. But somehow, they shaped happiness into his heart. He searched his mind for an answer, but none came. Regardless, he was happy.

No, there aren't any gaps. That really does directly follow from the previous quote. This change is so jarring that the story tries to lampshade it with the 'didn't understand' excuse, but remember, if the story doesn't know why the characters are acting the way they are, then the readers aren't going to either!

Also, I guess rotting skulls have pretty poor eyesight, because Spike hasn't grown up yet. He's still a small child. Speaking of growing up, according to Celestia's timeline, Spike's egg was over a hundred years old by the time Twilight opened it. It should have been swamp gas by then, but it wasn't, because dragons, I guess.

As long as you don’t forget that I love you, I will always be there for you to show me whatever you would like to show me. Never forget that, Spike…Love can transcend death.

Um, no. It's necromancy that transcends death. Love didn't do anything. If it was love, he'd have met her long before now in his dreams or something.

As the glow had disappeared from the head of the giant corpse, Spike felt his mother’s spirit inside his little heart. He felt happy and understood that she would always be alive within him.

Ah yes, the warm glow of a mother's love. It's better than breakfast!

Why did I bring that back up? Because the story wasted a lot of time and effort establishing the fact that he never ate breakfast. If it's not going to do anything with that unresolved subplot before the curtain closes, then at least I'm going to get a lame joke out of it.

“Yup, I’m ready,” Spike replied being floated up onto Celestia’s loin with her magic.

Oh, so he's riding Celestia's loin now too.

Even platonically, it'd make more sense to ride up front near her withers than on her rear, where she'd be smacking him with her wings as she flew.

She sprouted her wings and they flew away across the evening sky to Canterlot. Spike looked at out to the horizon, keeping his glance on Canterlot Castle, where he knew where he belonged. Where his mother awaited him.

And that's a wrap. In the end, Spike learns that a part of his mother is always going to be with him wherever he is and wherever he goes. That's obvious, because that's how genetics works.

That part about knowing where he belonged? That bothers me, because he already knew that. Just to remind everyone, this is the lesson he learned at the end of Dragon Quest:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Seeing the great dragon migration made me wonder what it meant to be a dragon. But now I realize that who I am is not the same as what I am. I may have been born a dragon, but Equestria and my pony friends have taught me how to be kind, loyal, and true! I'm proud to call Ponyville my home, and to have my pony friends as my family.

Yours truly,

Spike

His family might consist of both ponies (adoptive) and dragons (birth), but that episode made it perfectly clear who he prefers.

In this story, his desire to learn about his origin somehow turns into an overwhelming need to feel his mother's love, and his life isn't complete without it. His mother, I'd like to add, is basically a complete stranger. The ponies who love him, cherish him, and are raising him as one of their own? Conveniently forgotten. He must not care about his father, either, because never once in the entire story was his father ever mentioned.

The only reason I'm not more upset is because it's easy to misinterpret the story's closing statement.

Spike looked at out to the horizon, keeping his glance on Canterlot Castle, where he knew where he belonged. Where his mother awaited him.

If you ignore the part of the story leading up to this, it sounds like Spike believes that Twilight is his mother. Still...

I am not impressed.

This story has structural flaws, weird characterization, and it failed to deliver any feels, but I can't really say it was all that offensive. I was seriously tempted to give a 'meh' rating, but this story has too many flaws to get off that easily. After ranting so much, I suppose it's only fair that I say what I liked most, and that's the fact that it gave Spike real closure as to the nature of his origin. Dragon Quest was only a tease.

How was the grammar? Well, when the story's own proofreader complains about the numerous errors, that's probably a sign that it needs more work.

Faith Failure Award

This story has been featured!

Seriously?

Shoddy Script Award

For a short one-shot, this story had way too much filler. The characterization as is, felt odd. Twilight's dialog was generally fine (aside from an odd insistence that Spike take 'time off'), but whenever she did something, I had to wonder just whose clone it was that replaced her. Celestia was okay, but she had a tendency to play with Spike's emotions when that was really unnecessary. Spike himself was fine, but the story liked to tug on his heartstrings instead of allowing him to react naturally.

Honest Attempt Medal

This story wasn't so bad that it can't be fixed.

I know I've complained a lot about filler, but there have to be some obstacles or the pacing would be too fast. Try to make sure each scene either progresses the plot or adds something meaningful to the story like character development. It's okay to dwell more on emotional scenes. Doing so would help smooth out the roller coaster and avoid emotional whiplash.

Also, when concluding a story, it's best if one can draw upon elements that have been building from the start. Replace that breakfast garbage with a proper dream sequence, and at the end, Spike's mother could reference parts of that dream to prove that she's always watched over and loved him. That would make Spike's shift towards happiness much more natural, and provide a more satisfying conclusion than just randomly pulling stuff out of the blue so he could have a happy ending.

Medal of Tolerance

It might be narm, but humor's still humor.

No Escapism

As it stands, the cover art does a better job of making me feel sorry for Spike than the story itself does.

Pity Pothole Medal

Gee, let's show Spike an open grave that contains the last earthly remnants of his closest kin.

Good Sport Ribbon

The author submitted this story for review.

One last thing before I go...

Because I'm "nice," I thought I'd write up a short epilogue that ruins everything puts the quotes back in "the truth:"

Later that night, Celestia peered into wide, violet eyes. She placed her gold-clad hoof under Twilight's slack-jawed chin and slowly forced it shut. "Yes, you heard me right, and that's why I didn't want you there with us, because you would have said something."

Twilight blinked. She choked back her shock and outrage and gently pushed that golden hoof away. "But... why?"

"He's happier this way. Thanks to my ventriloquism spell, he believes that his mother loves him." Celestia sighed and hung her head. The weight of her lies rested heavily upon her. "Honesty is important, but sometimes, the real truth should rest with the dead."

Aren't conspiracies fun?

Meta: Rage Reviews Reviews Fluttershy's Fanfiction


OLD VERSION:

“It's one solid wall of text! Where is the formatting? Where are your paragraphs?”

“B-but it doesn't matter how it looks if the story is good.” Fluttershy crouched down and pressed her hooves together in front of her face.

Rage Reviews tore off his glasses and slammed them against the table. “Presentation is very important. Would you eat a salad that's on fire?”

“N-no!”

“Then why would anyone want to read something that burns the eyes!?” The man leaned over to glare at her. His pupils were so tiny that they might as well have been missing. The whites of his eyes were littered with pulsing veins.

Fluttershy winced and backed herself into a corner. “P-please don't hurt me.”

“Harrumph.” Rage Reviews leaned back and put his glasses back on. “It's poor sport to attack the author. I do have some pride. But this—” he stroked a hand across Fluttershy's manuscript, almost as if he were caressing it “—this is fair game.”

“Um...” Fluttershy poked her head up but her ears stayed flat against her skull and she looked around for exits. She did not trust that man at all.

“Ick. Mary Sue alert.” He frowned.

“Hey! Her name's not Mary Sue.” Fluttershy found herself correcting him, even though her instincts told her to flee. He was volatile and vulgar, but he was also holding her story. She couldn't run off and abandon her baby. Besides, as much as she dreaded it, some part of her really did want to hear what he had to say.

“A Sue's a Sue, regardless of what the actual name is, if you bother mentioning it anywhere.” He paused to scan the first paragraph again. “You know, as far as Sues go, this one might actually have some hope. I was expecting an obvious alicorn self-insert, but a seemingly plain, albeit strangely colored deer? It could work if done right.”

“What's so strange about teal?”

“It's—” the red man pointed a finger at the butterscotch pony with pink hair “—nevermind.”

“I did mention her name. What do you mean you can't find it? And why do you keep calling her Sue?”

The red man gnashed his teeth back and forth. “I'd know what her name was if you actually bothered to capitalize any of your proper nouns!” He narrowed his eyes again, but the edges of his glasses caught the light and glinted in Fluttershy's face, ruining the effect. “And a Mary Sue? Simply put, that's a derogatory term for an obvious author self-insert whose only purpose in the story is to receive all of the love and attention that the author wishes she could receive herself.”

“N-no! That's not what she's like at all. Teal Dear is very different from me. She's a deer; I'm a pegasus. She's not shy. She's good at a lot of things. E-everypony loves her.”

“Wow. I didn't even have to say anything and you just proved my point.” He last words sounded like a growl.

“What?” Fluttershy blinked. She shook her head and her ears popped up.

“Did you listen to yourself? You just described somebody that you want to be.” Fluttershy's mouth hung open, but the red man wasn't done yet. He slammed a fist on the table, causing the whole room to shake. “That's a bad thing! Mary Sue almost always makes the story she's in terrible.”

“My story's not terrible!” Fluttershy jumped up and tried to snatch her manuscript away from the red man, but he held it out of her reach. She overshot and hit the wall, sliding down in a tearful heap. “Why are you doing this?”

“I do this because I can.” Rage Reviews licked his lips. “Your tears amuse me.”

“You're an awful person,” Fluttershy sobbed.

Rage Reviews went back to reading the page. His left eye twitched and a vein popped out of his forehead. “Not nearly as awful as this fetid piece of garbage! Learn about the birds and bees? Are you implying that Mane-iac is going to rape the orphans if she doesn't get her way?”

Fluttershy jumped up. “No! I'd never say something like that! H-how could you even suggest something like that!”

“Because 'birds and the bees' is a common euphemism for sex? Even if I took it at face value, you do know that owls are birds too, right? Thus her threatened change in curriculum is only a minor divergence from their scheduled lesson.”

“But she's a supervillain. Everything she does is bad.” Fluttershy crossed her legs as if that was the end of the argument.

Rage Reviews frowned and looked at the next part. “Mane-iac wipes the floor with the Power Ponies? In a scene that's so rushed that even Fili-second complains about how fast it is? Seriously?”

“B-but—”

“You're telling me that the six most powerful superheroes in all of Maretropolis not only can't even manage to have a decent fight with their arch nemesis, but that the battle is not even worth describing at all?”

“Um.”

“Entire issues are devoted to the epic battles between these characters, and you just have her sweep them under a rug so your crappy self-insert Mary Sue-deer can look better by comparison? Congratulations. You've just alienated anyone who's a fan of the Power Ponies for no good reason.”

“T-that's not true! Fans will love this.” Fluttershy stood up on her hind legs and crossed her forelegs.

“Seriously?” Rage Reviews raised a single eyebrow and bared his teeth in a snarl. “Why?”

Fluttershy waved a hoof in front of her in little circles. “It's, um, riveting.”

“Riveting? Riveting? What's compelling about this? Your flat and uninteresting characters? Your terrible dialogue? Your horribly contrived plot? Your lack of any detail on anything whatsoever?”

“Hey! I did describe something!”

“Something other than your Sue?”

Fluttershy was quiet for a moment, and put her hoof down. “The cage?”

Rage Reviews slapped a hand on Fluttershy's table and scraped his nails across its varnished surface. “Repeating the same adjective four times in a row is not how you describe something. Especially when said adjective, 'inescapable,' doesn't even begin to describe how it looks!”

“B-but I put a lot of thought into that,” Fluttershy's eyes teared up again.

“Your mind must be a broken record, because you frequently repeat yourself for no good reason. It adds nothing! Why waste space describing anything of value when you can repeat what you've already said a few more times?”

“B-but I added all the detail that's important. I-it's all about the big picture. Nopony really cares about the tiny details.”

“Aaah!” Rage Reviews' bald head burst into blue flame. “Tiny details? How about major plot points? How did Mane-iac capture the orphans? What does a tail-tangler even look like? What the fuck is 'assault lick?' I can't even tell if that's supposed to be a clever pun or just another horrible misspelling. Where is this story even taking place? Are they in a building? In the street? On the bottom of the ocean? Randomly floating in outer space? I don't know because you don't even tell me something as basic as that!” The flame died out and a black smoke ring rose from his head, like some kind of unholy halo.

Fluttershy sobbed. “O-okay, I admit it. I could have added more detail. B-but the story's still good otherwise—”

“No! It's fetid garbage!” Rage Reviews stood up and clutched the back of his chair. The wood cracked in his iron grip. Fluttershy jumped and backed away. In a moment of silence, the man closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Without further comment, he sat down in the seat and began reading again.

His recent outburst was destructive, and Fluttershy couldn't get the awful stench of sulfur out of her nose. She pondered leaving to gather her friends and kick him out. Suddenly, the red man made a cackling sound. He clutched at his sides and it took her a moment to realize that he was laughing. “What? What's so funny?”

“This is just so awful that it crosses the line into absurdity. If your story wasn't so horribly formatted and badly misspelled, you could probably pass it off as comedy. Teal Deer is trapped by a wooden floor? Because she's afraid of getting splinters in her hooves? There are so many things wrong with that that I can't even begin to describe them all.”

“Hey! Splinters hurt.”

“Anywhere else and I'd agree with you, but hooves aren't even alive. They're made of cretin. They have no feeling. If they did, you'd never be willing to put on horseshoes, which, I'd like to mention, are held on by nails.”

“Um.” Fluttershy held a hoof in front of her face. “Deer don't wear horseshoes, so there!”

Rage Reviews slapped himself in the face. “But they still have hooves. It still makes no sense.” He shook his head. “The fact that you're serious just makes this sad. I know you're not that stupid. I think, perhaps, that you're so blinded by your passion for your story that you can't even see the obvious.”

Fluttershy hopped off the ground and hovered, pointing a hoof at him. “You're the one who can't see how great it is, not me!”

The man snorted. “In denial much?”

“Hey! You're one to talk mister demon human thing. I don't have to listen to your lies.”

He lifted his reading glasses to show off the bloodshot whites of his eyes. “And yet, you still are.”

“J-just so I can prove how wrong you are.” Fluttershy huffed and slapped her forelegs against her hips. Rage Reviews shrugged and resumed reading.

Rage Reviews glanced up from the page. “You remembered that Humdrum actually exists? I'd give you a cookie, but the ones I bake are full of fucks, and I don't actually have any of those to give.”

Fluttershy's eyes widened and she raised an eyebrow. “...what?”

Looking back at the document, the red man snarled. “Since when does Humdrum randomly have narcolepsy?”

“Um...”

“Why is your Sue even blaming Mane-iac? She didn't even do anything. Humdrum defeated himself!” Rage Reviews twisted his head around and he lowered his eyebrows into an angry 'v.' “The only way that you could think of to keep the lamest sidekick ever created from upstaging your Sue was to saddle him with a debilitating medical condition? That speaks volumes for your Sue, and I do hope that you realize just how cruel that is.”

“He doesn't have narcolepsy! He just fell asleep that one time! Stop making stuff up!”

The man cackled again, and Fluttershy frowned as he laughed. “Given that nothing in your story could conceivably take place in the Power Ponies cannon, I don't think you're in a good position to accuse somebody else of fabrication.”

“Hey! It's fanfiction. It doesn't have to follow the cannon. The whole point of it is to write what you want to.”

“That's only true if you're writing for yourself. You yourself said that your story was for Power Ponies fans. Don't you think they'd prefer to see the characters they know and love acting like themselves and not moronic idiots who can't even tie their own shoelaces until your Sue shows up to save them?”

Fluttershy pointed a hoof at him.  “Ha! Well, um, that is...” She pulled her hoof back and twisted it back and forth in front of her face. “...shoelaces?”

Rage Reviews turned the page. “Chapter four? Yeah, no. Not only did you not mention any previous chapters, but all that came before this point couldn't be more than six hundred words total. Nobody takes tiny chapters seriously.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it's an obvious sign that the pacing of your story is so fast that it'd get a speeding ticket at the Wonderbolts 500?”

“Hey! It's not that bad.”

Rage Reviews snorted. “...says the author who admitted that she didn't include any details whatsoever. It really is that bad.”

Fluttershy landed and wrapped a wing in front of her face to hide her tears. “S-stop making points that are so hard to refute.”

“Let's see what's next... Hm... I don't know why Mane-iac is so surprised that your Sue escaped the wooden floor. Anyone can do that by, you know, not being quadriplegic.”

“That was supposed to be dramatic.” Fluttershy sniffled.

“You can't build suspense by 'trapping' your Sue with something that doesn't threaten her at all and has a million obvious exits.” Rage Reviews shrugged. “This story is bad but it's not really making me mad.”

Fluttershy spread her feathers and peeked out with a slightly bloodshot eye. “You want to be mad?”

Rage Reviews glared at her. “You forget what I am.”

Fluttershy folded her wing and nervously gnawed on a hoof. She was begging to accept that her story wasn't good, but now she had to worry about the living embodiment of anger in her living room. Had she written anything that could set him off? Could anypony handle him if he really got mad?

The man spat and Fluttershy jumped. “Wings? That's how your Sue escaped from the floor? Hold on a minute.” He skimmed the page. “Antlers? on a female deer?”

“That's explained later,” Fluttershy blurted out.

Rage Reviews ignored her. “Magic deer powers?” He slammed her manuscript back on the table and jerked his head back, screaming. “I take it all back. This is a crappy alicorn self-insert! By having magic powers you've completely invalidated the entire rest of the story! She could have used them at the very start and nothing else needed to happen. This whole thing was a waste of time!”

“Um.” Fluttershy tried to set aside her feelings of shame and dejection. “A-are you okay?”

He huffed and scooped up her story again. “Bah. I'd be more upset if this thing wasn't so short. Good thing it's over.” He scratched at his chin. “But where did you explain the antlers...?” He flipped the last sheet over. “Oh? It looks like there's an epilogue.”

A knot formed in the pit of Fluttershy's stomach. “M-maybe you shouldn't read that part.”

He raised a thick eyebrow at her, then snapped his head back to read the page. As he did so, his fingers clenched, crinkling the paper.

“Careful—you'll tear it!”

“You did not just—!” Rage Reviews shook. He gently set the papers down. “Excuse me for a moment.”

“Um...” Fluttershy softly backed away.

The man pulled his reading glasses off and snapped them shut. His hand trembled as he stuffed them into his shirt pocket. He took a deep breath and slapped the palms of his hands on Fluttershy's table. His face contorted, baring all of his teeth. The air above his head shimmered. He let loose a scream so powerful that everything in the whole room shook. Books fell off shelves, china broke, and the birds fled their birdhouses. While he screamed, his head turned counter-clockwise, popping and snapping as it rotated a full three hundred and sixty degrees.

“Oh my gosh.” Fluttershy covered her mouth with her hooves.

After his head came full circle, it burst into flames. “How dare you!? How dare you!?”

“What? W-what did I do?”

Veins buldged out of his forehead as he spoke. “You randomly broke apart Mare-velous and Radiance just so they could be in a relationship with your Sue, along with the rest of the Power Ponies. That alone is infuriating, but the way you justified it is unacceptable. Teal Deer is, and I quote, 'part male deer.' ”

Fluttershy glanced out a window. She wondered if spraying her guest in his head-flames with a garden hose would be rude. She'd better not; she'd never forgive herself if she accidentally get her story soggy. “Could you please calm down?”

“I will not calm down!” He pounded a fist on the table. “Do you realize that you've implied that lesbians aren't capable of real love!?”

Fluttershy's eyes popped open and she jerked her head back. “What? No!”

Rage Reviews narrowed his eyes and his flames died down to a simmer. “Repressed feelings much?”

“I do not have repressed feelings for my friends!”

He raised an eyebrow, but opted not to comment further. “To make matters even worse, the reveal that she's male makes even Humdrum want to love 'her' too! That is wrong on so many levels that I don't even know what to say.” Rage Reviews snatched up the manuscript again and held it out in front of him. “You know what? I'm done with this!” So many veins popped out that they covered eighty percent of his face. “Eighty percent rage!” He jerked his hands, tearing her story.

“No!” Fluttershy screamed. She held a hoof out, but it was too late. Her story was already torn in half. Rage Reviews tossed the papers in front of him, caught them, and tore them in half again. Fluttershy gasped and her eyes twitched. He went on tearing her story until it was fine confetti; he even used his teeth.

“You story was so bad that it was a bane to all who read it. It was an unfortunate letdown and it truly mangled the mind. The romance was sudden and horrifically awkward. Splinters in hooves? You did no research whatsoever.” He brushed his hands together and turned his nose up at the shredded manuscript. The fire on his head flickered and puffed out. “And that's what I think of your story.”

“My story! You-you...” Fluttershy sputtered. She shook in place. Her face grew dark and shadows seemed to encompass her side of the room.

“Um, Fluttershy?” Rage Reviews got up and edged towards the door.

“You tore it to pieces!” He gaze locked onto him and she snorted, folded her ears back and spread her wings. Her pupils shrank to points.

The red man looked into her eyes and saw into her soul. The fury in her heart was a magnitude more than his own. “Oh, shit!” He ran.

Hurricane Fluttershy Retired by EMU

Due to the widespread damage and destruction caused by the storm, the Equestrian Meteorological Union (EMU) voted today to retire the name 'Fluttershy' from the list of actively used hurricane names.

Figure 1. Hurricane Fluttershy at peak strength.

While this storm was best known for its ferocity, it actually had a difficult time getting started. While youthful, conditions just weren't all that favorable for the development of a tropical cyclone.

Figure 2. Invest 91Y struggling over the Marecific Ocean.

High pressure zones had been bullying the fledgling storm, and it appeared as though they might snuff it out for good, but the disturbance survived its hostile youth and moved into a more favorable environment. From there, it developed into a healthy tropical cyclone and was given the name Fluttershy.

Figure 3. Newly declared Tropical Cyclone Fluttershy.

Still struggling with wind shear (a change in wind speed direction with height), this storm wasn't considered to be a major threat, but with all tropical cyclones, there's always a chance for rapid intensification should conditions improve. Forecast models at the time were bearish on developing the cyclone beyond tropical storm strength, but wind shear lightened, and the storm put on an amazing burst of strength.

Figure 4. Fluttershy rapidly intensifies.

With little time to prepare for a full-blown hurricane, many ponies were caught off-guard when the storm made its first landfall in Canterlot.

Figures 5 and 6. Fluttershy makes landfall, wrecking the Gala ballroom.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the storm later regrouped over sea, and strengthened even further into a major hurricane.

Figure 7. The eye of the storm.

Fluttershy made a second landfall in Ponyville, bringing widespread destruction in its wake.

Figure 8. Damage caused by hurricane Fluttershy.

On top of that, the storm was also a prodigious rainmaker.

Figure 9. Fluttershy dumping buckets of water on ponies.

Due to this storm's major impacts, reusing the name Fluttershy would be inconsiderate. Thus, EMU has permanently retired it from actively used hurricane names. Replacing it in the list is the name Feather Tickle.

Happy April Fool's everyone.

Rage Review: An Unlikely Story

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to partake in a high-stakes adventure against bitter rivals in a magical steampunk fantasy? Well, you can keep wondering. This story promises just that, but with only two chapters and a hiatus stretching three years, it fails to deliver.

Instead of donning our pith helmets and strapping on our saddlebags for wild, steamy adventure, let us instead roll down our stockings, pick up a shovel, and see if we can't get our hooves dirty looking for buried treasure in this ye olde fanfiction. Hopefully, we shall encounter something other than snakes.

In a steampunk-inspired setting where Equestria is ruled not by immortal Princesses but by a democratically-elected Emperor, two rival casts of characters compete to find treasure left behind by Nightmare Moon.

This description is short and to the point. It gives hints of the AU setting without explaining everything in great detail. It also gives us the bare bones of the upcoming conflict without spoiling anything. I think as far as hooks go, this one does a decent job.

It's nice to see a story that's well presented, though I do notice that it has a longer title in the cover art, for some reason. I presume that Alyosha Cartwright is an alias of the author, Eldorado.

Main cast consists of a mix of my own creations and favorites from the show. All mane 6 will have at least one appearance before the end, as will some of my favorite villains and side characters.

Based on the cover art, the main cast consists of four OCs, Celestia, Nightmare Moon, and Philomena. I'm not sure what promising all those cameos accomplishes. While it'd be interesting to see how the main six live out their lives in a steampunk world, it's better to introduce characters as they become relevant to the plot rather than just going through a checklist of forced appearances.

Moving on, let's see what lies ahead in Chapter one: 1 - End of Days

Princess Celestia awoke to the sensation of cold stone biting into the side of her face. Her body lay twisted on the floor, her limbs sore and aching. Her once-immaculate ivory coat was sullied with a fine layer of ash and soot. She lethargically lifted her head, taking a look around. Flames were climbing up the velvet curtains in the window, and all the stained glass lay in scattered shards on the floor. Her grand four-poster bed had been crushed into firewood under a falling column. Smoke hung thick near the ceiling in a suffocating black cloud that dimly reflected the eerie orange light of the fire she heard roaring all around her.

Shaky limbs struggled to heave her broken body upwards into the closest approximation of a standing position she could manage. Bits of stone and wood slid off her coat, along with some of the dust and ash. She coughed, fighting her own weight as she tried to get her hooves underneath her and stand. As soon as she was upright, Celestia’s entire skeleton lit up with blinding pain, her fractured bones protesting her movement with their agonizing screams. Tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her face, mixing with the dirt and grime. Celestia winced and strained to hold her balance, her vision blurred and barely comprehensible. She heard a few beams fall out of the ballroom ceiling far off down the corridor, brought down by the fire sweeping through the castle. The chandeliers jingled as they were struck by falling debris from the ornate hoof-carved ceiling. Celestia hung her head in despair. She should have seen this coming.

Sorry for the long quote, but I want to point out just how beautifully this is written. These paragraphs are thick with vivid, engaging description. Note the way that visual imagery is interlaced with sensations of touch, pain, and sound. By mixing the senses, we don't just see the scene, we experience it. This commands attention and is a strong way to open the story. Yet, this story's overall rating is only 31-6. I would have expected something with such solid prose to draw more attention, so there must be something lurking ahead that turns people off.

A quick aside: Due to this story's overall length, I'll be providing more of an outline than a full summary.

Continuing on, this story goes through a series of flashbacks that tell of Luna's growing resentment and her eventual betrayal and rise as Nightmare Moon. There are a couple of problems here, and they're not just due to the fact that several pieces have been invalidated by season four canon.

First of all, Celestia constantly blames herself and beats herself up over how 'obvious' Luna's betrayal was in retrospect and how much she deserved it, yet, there's hardly anything to support that line of reasoning. When Luna bemoaned about feeling unappreciated, Celestia's response was to offer praise and wing-hugs. She also respected Luna's obvious desire for privacy, and the one time she did make a stupid error, she apologized for it. Those are not the actions of a pony who 'obviously' drove her sister past the crumbling edge of her sanity with extreme jealousy. About all I can blame Celestia for is being an eternal optimist.

Secondly, Luna doesn't have much of a personality and her actions honestly don't make sense. She comes off as being a whiny bitch who's completely unreasonable. Celestia's constant self-depreciation tries to paint Luna in the right, but it just doesn't work with nothing to support it. The story seems to realize this, and comes up with additional goofball excuses that also don't work.

Luna was merely a filly in the body of a Princess, understandably confused about the nature of her role in society.

Luna had been young when they found the Elements of Harmony and vanquished Discord, and even centuries of leadership and real-world responsibility hadn’t purged the adolescence from her.

Luna was still very young inside, hardly a filly when Celestia decided to drag her into standing beside her against Discord. It was likely she would never grow out of it now, not within any conventional measure of time anyway.

According to snippets like these, Luna is a little filly trapped in the body of an immortal princess. (The Elements of Harmony did that.) She does sound immature when she speaks, but the way that she plots behind her sister's back and devotes herself to studying magic shows a level of foresight and maturity that one would not expect from an impulsive, whimsical child. Her transformation into Nightmare Moon wasn't brought on by a tantrum or a fit of jealousy; it was carefully premeditated, and I don't think that a mere child could come up with a plan so intricate as hers.

Well, the story seems to feel the same way, because it tacks on yet another lame excuse for Luna's poor behavior.

“Oh, Luna…” Celestia sighed helplessly under her breath. She’d heard the warnings about the power of the Elements of Harmony before, but always generally disregarded them as harmless superstition and old ponies’ tales. Strong negative emotions coupled with the near-infinite magical power of the Elements could bring about all manner of horrors. Luna’s jealousy went far deeper than Celestia ever imagined possible, much more so than she ever let on. Now, with Celestia deposed and cut off from her own magic, Nightmare Moon was the most powerful being in Equestria, and she was looking for revenge on her sister in the name of the night.

I'm going to go ahead and say NO here. While 'power corrupts' is a common theme in literature, these are the Elements of Harmony, and not the Elements of the Funk Stuck Between Discord's Toes. Well, maybe in this story they are. It personifies them into chaotic beings of their own, which conveniently absolves Luna of her actions since they are to blame and not her. No... just, no. It leaves a foul taste in my mouth to see such an iconic force being maligned for this purpose.

I don't even get it. Luna's an obvious villain here, so why is this story trying so hard to sympathize with her? Is this some kind of 'best pony' syndrome? Anyone know?

“It’s the only way to make them appreciate everything the night has to offer. If any other option exists, they will take it. The only thing I can do is obliterate all other options and leave *only* an eternity of glorious night, and that means getting rid of you and your vaunted daylight, permanently.”

I'm quoting this part to point out a formatting error. Because the flashback sequences are all-italic, the author needed to use something else to emphasize certain words. This is usually done via bold, de-italicizing, or even all-caps. Asterisks though? Flat-out wrong.

So at long last, the flashbacks end and the story catches back up to the present. All and all, the flashback sequence was a slug to get through. Aside from the problems mentioned above, it felt like it dragged on,

and on,

and on,

and on,

and on,

and on,

and on.

Yeah, the pacing's terribly slow, and I feel as though it's mostly due to the way that part of the story is structured. Every time the story jumps back to the present after a flashback, Celestia takes the time to mull it over, and the story re-establishes the setting of the burning castle again. There's an awful lot of repetition, and as soon as Celestia gets moving, the scene cuts off to another flashback. It's about as exciting and action-packed as, well, this.

Lastly, I'd like to point out that the final flashback is the one in which Luna springs her trap and transforms into Nightmare Moon. Yep, that's right; while wandering in the dangerous, deteriorating, smoke-choked, crackling, burning wreckage of her formerly glorious home, Celestia takes the time to relive an event that literally happened five minutes ago.

Thankfully, the pacing picks back up once the story manages to pull itself together. Celestia makes her way to the Elements of Harmony and, uh-oh.

Without the ability to use her horn, Celestia could not bring the power of the Elements to bear against Nightmare Moon. Her struggle had been for nothing; she may as well have been killed upstairs when her sister first launched her coup. Part of her wanted to keep fighting, trying to think of another way to win even despite everything. But she no longer believed it was possible. She had been beaten. Nightmare Moon had won.

Oh look, a wild summery-atus, interrupt-us has appeared! Out of context, it doesn't look like there's anything wrong with this paragraph, but all it accomplishes is to summarize and regurgitate the same exact information that we just read. Don't do this. It hurts the pacing and insults the reader's intelligence.

As a thought experiment, I'd like to imagine printing off this chapter and going through it with a vivid, yellow marker. Highlight every description, idea, and passage that's either a direct repetition, summary, or obvious based on information already provided. Then sit back and ask: who the hell would want to read something that looks like it's been drenched in piss?

“I did some further research into the Elements while you were limping your way down here, and I discovered that the link they forged between us is so strong that it binds our lives together. I could no more easily kill you than you could kill me, and using the Elements themselves as a weapon would end us both. But it is no matter. So long as you are out of the way, locked away somewhere nopony will ever find you, my plans can still proceed.”

If you're wondering why Celestia had been left alone, it's because Nightmare Moon abandoned the battle to read a book. I need more hooves to slap on my face because four just isn't enough. Why, exactly, did Luna never come across this tidbit during the weeks and months that she spent studying the Elements of Harmony in her plot to overthrow Celestia?

Well, in one final gambit, Celestia invokes the only form of magic she has left in an effort to activate the Elements. She succeeds, but the Elements are confused, and they split the universe into parallel dimensions. You might have wondered why I complained about this story not conforming to canon earlier, and that's because this story went through the time and effort to establish the fact that it is, in fact, an alternate dimension. Since we can point to the exact location where the universes diverge, I'm left with the impression that everything prior to this point was meant to conform with the show. How well did it do?

•Luna was not a filly when they confronted Discord. (Season Four—Princess Twilight Sparkle)

•The Elements of Harmony were gems sealed in a hidden chamber and not the bulky stone orbs from season one. (Season Four—Princess Twilight Sparkle)

•Luna's corruption was due to the forces of nightmare, and not the Elements of Harmony. (Nightmare Rarity comic arc)

•Luna's speech was distinctly lacking a certain ham. (Season Two—Luna Eclipsed)

•Luna's night guards were bat ponies and not pegasai. (Season Two—Luna Eclipsed)

While I can't fault the story for not conforming to the comic book or episodes that hadn't aired yet, it was published several months after "Luna Eclipsed" came out. Fail.

One last nitpick on this chapter: Celestia can apparently cause explosions by attempting to move the sun, so I doubt that imprisoning her would actually work.

Well, that's chapter one, and it, uh, establishes the historical background in which this story takes place, I guess? While it's nice and all, I was kinda expecting something a bit more steampunky and adventurey. Maybe chapter two will actually contain something related to this story's premise?

2 - Unrealized Dreams

Do you remember all of that wonderful, vivid imagery at the start of the previous chapter? Well fuck that shit, because all you're getting now is just a color and a race.

“…and with Celestia out of the picture and all Equestria under the command of her newly-formed Empire of the Moon, Nightmare Moon went right to work on finding ways for ponies to survive in an environment of endless night.” The yellow unicorn’s voice echoed off the hard walls of the darkened library. “No small task, mind you, but she did have the Elements of Harmony.”

“Mm-hmm,” the brown stallion lying on the chaise longue across the library absently agreed. The drone of an airship passed lazily overhead, muffled by the manor’s brick walls.

See those scant few details there? Those plus a comic book are all you're getting for the next thousand words. Apparently the history lesson isn't over yet, because yellow unicorn launches into a lengthy lecture that brown stallion actively ignores by lounging and reading his comic book. I can understand that the point here is to dump all the exposition that didn't happen in the useless first chapter, but I'd prefer to see more focus on the immediate setting to better place what's going on. As-is, it's borderline talking head syndrome.

Why did I call the first chapter useless? because we've jumped a thousand years, and according to the history given, both Celestia and Nightmare Moon are dead.

All we know for certain is that Nightmare Moon was cast down and likely killed by the rebels when they marched on Canterlot. Her death would end Celestia, too, whatever was left of her after five and a half centuries of imprisonment. And with the princesses dead, the Elements relinquished power of the sun and moon back to nature itself for the first time since before Discord, allowing for the regular day/night cycle we have today, even without the Princesses’ influence.

Nightmare Moon could be killed by ordinary unicorns because they had a connection to the Elements of Harmony thanks to the false sunlight spell she'd taught them. Since control over the sun and moon is the magic that made Celestia and Luna immortal, having that relinquished back to nature can be taken as proof of their demise.

Thus, I'm left wondering what the point of the first chapter was. Since the characters are dead, the tiny details aren't going to matter. Did we honestly need to see that in-depth, ventricle contraction by ventricle contraction slow motion replay of ancient history? The entire first chapter could have been summarized into a few paragraphs and tacked onto the start of this one and it would have made no difference.

The unicorn sighed as he levitated away the dusty leather-bound book he’d been studying during his lecture. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve lived here for six years, and I can’t for the life of me remember a time when you actually did [listen to me].” He looked absently at the ceiling of the library, pondering the stallion’s existence. “I don’t get it. Wasn’t learning a few things about history the whole reason you took this job?”

The comic book fell to the stallion’s lap, his eyes half-closed with detached apathy. “No, I took the job because it sounded like an easy gig,” he stated. The comic book rose again and obscured his eyes, but he lowered it almost immediately when he realized how he must have looked lying there sprawled out on the chaise longue. “And it is.”

By the pulsating pectorals of Biceps the Bulk! I don't even know his name yet, and already I detest this brown pony. He was HIRED to act like a useless lazy jerk? What the actual fuck! He's exceptionally crass and shows no respect for his employer! His unwashed flea-bitten hide should be out in the cold, sleeping in the gutters, not wallowing in a life of luxury that he doesn't deserve!

And...

It gets worse...

He's also a young adult with no cutie mark, and his name is Sky Shadow, which is edgy and makes no sense for an earth pony.

Ostensibly, [Dr. Ersatz Lexicon—the yellow unicorn] had hired Shadow to take care of the manor in exchange for the privilege of inhabiting it, but all he had truly wanted was a captive audience to spew random strings of historical information at while he pored over his books as a way of reliving his glory days at the university. Since then, the two of them had spent most of their days together in the extravagant Lexicon Manor’s immense library, where the last surviving pony of the historic Lexicon family’s genealogical line frittered away the remaining few decades of his existence by burying his muzzle in various books about history and going on long-winded lectures to a selectively deaf handyman who would rather fritter his own existence away with his muzzle buried in a choose-your-own-adventure-style Daring Do comic book. It was far from an exciting life, but it did make the both of them content. [Emphasis mine]

Oh look! Sky Shadow's being praised for something that he DOESN'T EVEN DO! Excuse me for a moment while I go vomit through my nose so that I can experience a more pleasurable form of agony.

Mail arrives and we finally learn about the treasure that this story is supposed to be seeking. It's a place called the Nightmare Vault, and I'll let Lexicon describe it since talking seems to be his special talent and he's hopelessly desperate for an actually captive audience.

“It’s where Nightmare Moon hid all the valuables from Canterlot when the unicorn rebellion destroyed her magic, so they couldn’t take it all for themselves,” Lexicon explained as he stepped quickly down the sweeping grand staircase in the manor’s cavernous entrance hall. “It’s the greatest treasure in Equestrian history, a legendary legacy of wealth beyond anything you or I could even imagine. But Nightmare Moon covered her tracks very well, and what little evidence she left behind was largely destroyed in the rebellion. Hundreds of ponies have tried to find it over the centuries, but nopony ever has. Some hit dead ends and gave up, some came back badly injured, and some never returned at all. One way or another, every last one of them failed, even—” Lexicon reached the front door and flung it open with his magic.

Not to rain on his parade, but Celestia's prison was never found either, so her remains are obviously going to be there as well. And yes, in this story, Daring Do was a real adventurer who also failed at cracking the Nightmare Vault.

Sky Shadow continues to be a douche by lying to the mail pony for no good reason, but at least we've finally hit upon a subject that matches his narrow, comic book-centric interest. With Daring Do as both a historical figure and a cartoon, they now have common ground and can actually communicate with each other for the very first time.

How do I know that it's their first real conversation since Sky Shadow was hired? Because the topic is Lexicon's life's work: his search for the Nightmare Vault, and Sky Shadow's just learning about it now. Given how much Lexicon likes to talk, and how important the subject is to him, I can't imagine him never saying anything about it before. The only valid explanation is that brown turd takes so much pride in actively not listening that the undusted cobwebs in the dark corners of the room have a better grasp of basic, equine decency than our shitty protagonist. Six years spent living with the guy and Sky Shadow never once heard this subject before? Both of these ponies are pathetic.

“And what if you do? Why are you so interested in this?” Dr. Lexicon’s obsession with the treasure was almost as startling as Sky Shadow’s inexplicable desire to care about something his employer was working on; that had never happened before. [Emphasis mine]

I hate it when authors force their characters to do things for reasons that they actively tell us they can't explain. If they don't know why their characters act the way they do, then how are we, as readers, supposed to follow along?

Well, since this story can't find a reason for Sky Shadow's interest, I'll go ahead and provide one: It's because having a no-good, festering, apathetic lump as a main character in an adventure story is an awful, stupid idea. Thus, this story would rather just ignore his obvious character flaws than attempt to build a well-rounded character who actually suffers from them.

This rare gem of proper character interaction was apparently a fleeting moment, because Sky Shadow goes back to actively reading comic books. Though, to be fair, it was Lexicon who turned him away. I can't blame him really; I'd be surprised too if the detritus on my couch suddenly got up and started talking to me.

Since we're following Sky Shadow and he's reading comics, we actually get to read the book that he's reading. I'd complain, but this part is done well.

CRACK! CRUNCH! The ancient stone doors parted, opening up the way into the passage beyond. Daring Do, the intrepid adventurer, and Valor, the earth stallion she’d met back in the Njama Kifaa Bazaar in zebra country, stared into the abyss before them, wary of what they may find. Steeling themselves, they went inside, their hooves tap-tapping on the cobbles. As they passed through the door, the darkness spread out into the distance all around them.

“This has to be it,” said Valor’s voice from the darkness. “But I can’t see a thing!”

“Here’s a torch,” Daring do replied. She pulled it blindly off the wall. “You still have that book of matches?”

“Of course.” Valor produced a little wooden stick and struck it on his front hoof. The tiny little orange flicker cast enough light for him to see the torch Daring Do had found. He touched the match to the top of it and Whoosh! The torch flooded the corridor with light. At the far end, a giant gold crown adorned with every type of gemstone imaginable sat on a red velvet pillow atop a sturdy pedestal.

Huh, Daring Do's name is actually miscapitalized in the middle. That's the only typo I've noticed thus far. Regardless, can I have this story instead? It works so well for what it represents that I think I like—Aaah! It has snakes. Er, back to the main event!

Sky Shadow decided he was thirsty. He glanced to his side, and noticed that the cup he’d put on the end table last night was empty. With a reluctant grunt, he closed the book in mid-scene, slid off the side of the bed, and exited for the hallway.

Ack! This lazy bum is so lazy that he can't even finish one laziness before deciding that he wants to be lazy in a different way! And, uh, that didn't make any sense, did it?

Anyway, he gets back up and the water's plot-conveniently placed next to Lexicon so the story can bring them together again. Lexicon's still stumped by the puzzle of the Nightmare Vault, so Sky Shadow steps up to the plate and solves everything. How does he manage this? By being 'part-pegasus,' his mixed heritage gives him access to something called 'pegasus grid code' which is an old form of map co-ordinates used only by pegasai. Lexicon never heard of this because he's a unicorn. Excuse me while I hurl again.

This is stupid! Lexicon's spent his whole life studying ancient texts from all races including maps and he's never once come across something so fundamental to early exploration? The only reason to do this is to paint Sky Shadow as a hero and heap more praise on him that he doesn't deserve! He wouldn't have even known about the code at all if his uncle hadn't forced him to learn it!

Hmm, while I dislike the manner in which it was brought up, I will give this story credit for putting good thought into how things work and for being able to pass that information onto the reader with good clarity.

Shadow bit the pen and took it to the globe, his uncle’s words sounding in his ears. “That first ‘2’ should mean ‘northern hemisphere,’ so I’ll only do that half to save time.” Lexicon watched him draw long vertical lines from the planet’s poles down to the equator, spacing them every few hundred miles. He went all the way around, then drew in more lines horizontally. So far, it looked like the same basic idea as latitude and longitude, except the lines didn’t match up and the system was based not on the intersection of any two given lines but instead on the spaces left in the middle. Once he was done drawing, they had to count.

This a sample of how the grid code works, and with the full instructions shown in the story, I could almost pinpoint a location myself given a different set of coordinates. All I'd need would be more information on the first number if it happened to differ from two. My only real complaint about the code itself is that it requires a globe to work, and even if the world is round (we've seen only flat maps in the show), I wouldn't expect ancient pegasai to know that.

I'd also like to point out that the specific piece of the puzzle that unlocked the location of the vault was not in the Daring Do journal that just arrived, but rather in an older manuscript that Lexicon already had. Thus, if those two had actually talked to each other, they could have solved the puzzle years ago.

Sky Shadow made Lexicon feel sad. He was a bright young colt with plenty of potential; he recalled how to use pegasus grid code based on lessons from an uncle he hadn’t seen in a decade. He’d solved the greatest puzzle Dr. Lexicon had ever worked on, and he’d made Lexicon look stupid while doing it. And he didn’t have his cutie mark yet, had no intentions of ever figuring out what it was supposed to be, and would doubtlessly live the rest of his life reading works of fiction instead of actually living his life. Dr. Lexicon shook his head.

Ugh, way to rub in how 'amazing' Sky Shadow is while trying to make us feel sorry for him. My nasal passages are already clogged with vile fluids and I don't think that I can dry-heave any more.

Well, with the location of the vault pinpointed, they decide to commission an airship and the chapter ends.

How well did it do? I dunno, I was kinda expecting something a bit more steampunky and adventurey. We did get some adventure, but I'm not sure if it counts since it was from an oil-fracking comic book! In two chapters, we have yet to see anything even remotely resembling steampunk technology.

Sky Shadow might be a vile abomination whose mere presence threatens to sabotage any enjoyment that one could garner from reading this fic, but the story does have a lot of good points and it was one of the more engaging ones that I've read. The detail, when present, is exquisite. The world-building shows a high level of thought, and aside from a few formatting errors, the grammar and overall presentation is neigh-impeccable. It does seem predictable, though, but I can't tell because no other chapters have been published. I can, however, make some guesses:

•The rival team will have the missing page from the Daring Do book and thus know the vault's location as well.

•The rivals will be painted as 'evil' simply because they're working against Sky Shadow.

•Sky Shadow will solve a crucial puzzle in the vault thanks to comic books. (Even though it was revealed that the comics are mostly creative works and only loosely based on fact.)

•Sky Shadow's special talent will turn out to be adventuring, thus conveniently nullifying his sedentary lifestyle. Who needs actual training and finely honed skills when you've got a cutie mark in freeloading destiny?

•Celestia will somehow still be alive in the vault (petrified or something), and when she's freed, Nightmare Moon will return too.

•Sky Shadow and Lexicon will work with Celestia, while the rivals work with Nightmare Moon to recover the lost Elements of Harmony.

Okay, those last two are pretty wild guesses, but they are what I'd expect after reading this setup.

Angsty Alicorn Award: I've avoided using the term, but Sky Shadow is a definite Gary Stu.

Conspicuous Contrivances Award: This medal is related to the above. It might sound like I've picked on Sky Shadow simply for being a lazy jerk, but that's not the case. I wouldn't mind his personality if the story was realistic about it. Whenever I said that he got something that he didn't deserve, what I meant was that the story warped reality to give him a freebie for reasons such as avoiding conflict, dodging character development, or simply to make him look special.

Case in point: Sky Shadow randomly has a job that he doesn't qualify for, and solves the puzzle that Lexicon devoted his life to in less than five minutes because of racial knowledge that somehow only he has.

Shoddy Script Award: It's generally not a good idea to start a story with a different story. That gets the readers deeply invested in the entirely wrong set of characters! There's a reason that prologues are generally short and telly. The lecture at the start of chapter two did this right, but with chapter one the way it is, I'm left with the impression that the entire story is supposed to be about Celestia and Nightmare Moon.

Unfortunate Letdown Medal: Given how strong certain aspects of this story are, it's a shame to see the whole thing dragged down by poor treatment of its characters.

Good Sport Ribbon: Supposedly, the author requested a review, though I never was able to track that comment down. So who knows? It could be a trap.

How can this story be improved?

If you are planning to get back to this, it might be for the best just to bite the bullet and take off that first chapter. At this point, it's far removed from the show's canon and Luna's characterization is weird and hard to justify anyway. It's not really a great experience to read something and keep thinking, Well this sure aged poorly. With structural problems on top of that, it'd be hard to fix without a major rewrite, though it would be a shame to lose such lovely descriptions. Perhaps if Celestia and Nightmare Moon do return, the relevant bits could be added back in as needed. Alternatively, chapter one could be decoupled from the main story and published independently as a side story or prequel.

Speaking of description, chapter two could definitely use more of that, particularly at the start. The entire manor house shouldn't consist of just a library and a couch. Fill it out more and add some actual steampunk stuff too. Lexicon's rich enough to afford some luxury items. The show itself occasionally uses that style of machinery [1] [2(background)] [3], so it shouldn't be hard to work something in.

As for fixing Sky Shadow's overpowering fetid rancidness, that might take some thought. What really makes a Stu a Stu is the way the story treats the character and warps itself unrealistically around him. Take Lexicon, for example. He's an elderly scholar who's devoted to his studies and just needs a helping hoof to take care of menial tasks. Apprenticing somepony who can keep the manor tidy while also aiding in his research would be ideal. There's absolutely zero reason for him to hire and keep on an ungrateful oaf who admits to enjoying a free ride and who refuses to listen to any lectures and hardly even does any work!

Imagine instead, if, say, Sky Shadow was Lexicon's illegitimate son who wound up fobbed on his real father's doorstep after his mother's affair was exposed and her marriage crumbled. That's a more believable scenario, and it'd paint the way for character conflict and drama. Which, I'd like to add, is more intriguing than an inexplicably harmonious parasitic relationship.

What it really boils down to is this: as long as every character is a distinct individual who acts realistically according to his/her own interests, there shouldn't be any problem with Stu-ness. If you can manage that, your readers will be less inclined to attempt to scour their brains with their own stomach acids in a futile attempt to forget that your character exists.

If you're not planning to get back to this story, then go ahead and give yourself some peace of mind by flagging it as 'cancelled.' Leaving it behind might be painful, but it will free you up to move on to ritzier outdoor dining fields. It's something to ponder over a cup of coffee.

Minis

Well, having finally read all the entries, I thought I'd stop by and leave a few comments about each one. But before I begin, I would like to say that I had a workable concept for this prompt, but ultimately decided not to participate because it called for a self insert and I just don't like talking about myself. I'm fairly happy with the story I wrote instead, so I guess you could say that I took the whole F*** THIS PROMPT thing a little too seriously, because I basically said, "Fuck this prompt, I'm doing something else."

/story/258782/the-rise-of-insanity

This story is really random and honestly doesn't make any sense. I still have no idea what the main character is. I don't know if his version of Equestria is supposed to be real or not, or how powerful he really is in relation to it. For all I know, the ending could be a dud where nothing happens.

Plus, this story takes the concept of a self-insert way too literally, as the vast majority of it takes place within his own gastrointestinal tract. Um, eww? That concept could have worked if he'd explored the dark corners of his mind instead, but this is just gross. The story tries to be deep, but you know what? Deep shit is still shit.

/story/259189/the-terrible-tiny-terrorist

This is quite an amusing little story. The concept works well for a comedy, and the execution is great. The only minor technical annoyance is that the narration is generally told from a detached third person perspective, yet it occasionally switches to Fliessnert's perspective for a sentence or two. The ending subverts our expectation of what it means to 'take over Equestria' and provides the best possible solution for everyone involved. Well, at least until the breezie council's brass-knuckled, chain-smoking elephant biker gang allies show up with a trunk-cranked port-a-potty and a grudge. Tsk tsk. Celestia really should have done her research.

/story/258967/how-i-took-over-equestria-in-7-steps

I'll say it right now. This story isn't anything special. The characters are somewhat flat, and the description is generally poor. It feels a bit rushed, but the biggest problem is its lack of originality. There are a lot of HiE cliches in here, and even the ending is cliche. It still works as a comedy, though. If you want a few chuckles and don't have high expectations, this story can deliver.

/story/258039/the-rise-of-a-new-queen

This story gets off to a slow start. For the entire first section up to the hotel room, it might as well be an extended weather report because nothing happens. The character is present, but only as part of the scenery. The prose is dry.

Thankfully, it picks up after that, but that's more due to our pre-investment in the show's established characters than anything the author wrote. Had these all been OCs, it would have been a very boring story. I think the biggest problem is our complete detachment from the protagonist. We can see her emotions, yes, but there are no motives behind them. Perhaps it was intentional, as this story makes you ask 'why?' quite a bit, but I think it would be more impactful if there was a glimmer of a reason to connect to.

The ending, unfortunately, feels rushed. A lot of time was spent establishing how to deal with Celestia and Luna, but Twilight's appearance felt like a curveball. I'm not saying the scene should have played out differently, but what if she'd walked over and broken the magic-draining rings? Perhaps mentioning that killing two of Twilight's friends would render Twilight too distraught for logical thought, and generic magic blasts are easier to deal with than a calculated response, could fix that.

Even so, this story is quite chilling, and the well-calculated execution of Black Skull's evil plan made me wish for her to fail at every step, yet she never trips up. Well done.

/story/259295/beyond-the-cold-shoulder

This story tries to do a lot, but it doesn't pull it off that well. Its biggest problem is that it tries to jump straight to the emotional payoffs with little to no buildup. Frigid Chill and Princess Absolute are depicted as being close, but I didn't get the feeling that they were so close that she'd abandon her misgivings to partake in his obviously flawed plan and later kill herself over him. As such, he comes off as a bit of a Gary Stu.

Thankfully, there's an easy fix for much of this. Had Celestia's response to his letter been something along the lines of 'We know of the danger, but reject your proposal to confront it,' instead of simply 'We reject the message,' Absolute would have had a reason to believe in Frigid's nightmares and aid him aside just from poorly-established love. Speaking of which, presenting them as mates instead of possible lovers and showing a poem of his dedicated to her would help quite a bit.

As it is now, though, it didn't work for me. Sorry.

/story/259429/a-king-for-a-day

Well, this story is certainly something. It's silly and has some decent jokes, but it's just too random and contrived to take seriously. Why would the princesses allow an obvious foreigner to rule for a day? Why did they leave him alone? Why would anyone follow orders that the princesses would obviously undo?

This story did get dinged for grammar, but it's not that bad, really. For the love of tail extensions, though, please don't sever dialogue from its said tag with a full stop and capital letter. It's all one sentence! Treat it that way.

/story/259366/friendship-is-exponential

I will confess; I have a bit of a soft spot for stories with a sci-fi feel to them. With the whole 'clone army' and 'hive mind,' it could fit quite well in that genre. Given that most stories dealing with clones paint them in the wrong, this story could easily have been very dark, yet it didn't go there. It's refreshing to see this concept actually work for a change. In the end, we have a symbiotic life form that functions on the cultural level.

As for how to improve it, I'm not sure what to say. It's mostly just a wall of exposition with a bit of dialogue at the end. We're told that the narrator (did we ever get a name?) is friends with everypony, but we never see that play out. With all this 'clone clone clone' going on, a few scenes from an individual level could help us understand his character better. He's friends with every pony in Equestria, but not friends with the reader. See the problem? Even so, it's a fresh concept, and it plays out well. Good job.

/story/258832/sovereign

This story decent, but it does get off to a slow start. The best fix for that would be to add more description at the start. To understand what's going on, we need to know that he's elderly and fears death is near, but that doesn't become clear until the first chapter's nearly over.

The magicless alternate universe is interesting, and there is a lot that could be can be expanded on, but we hardly see any of that. There is a huge focus on the army, but almost none on what the army is actually for. Bandits? Conquering one city? That's it? What about those devoted to the old ways of magic and harmony? Did they ever cause any real trouble? Nothing is mentioned about them aside from the fact that they exist. There's a lot left unexplored, and this story's mostly just a tease. Plus, starting at the finish line kills some of the conflict. 'How did he do this?' is ultimately less intriguing than 'Can he do this?' because the conclusion is already foregone.

I'm not sure what the ending scene was supposed to accomplish. I was expecting to see the 'dream,' but what we got instead was somewhat confusing and violated the magic-free setting.

Rage Reviewing: Grammar/Formatting (Lecture/Discussion)

While our group offers plenty of opinions and advice for authors, we don't have much in the way of advice for aspiring angry reviewers. I'm sure there are people with blood boiling under their skin, who just wish they could vent their frustration at stupid horsewords, but feel intimidated by our application process and feel like they don't know where to start.

We do have general guidelines and tips, which help, but I thought I'd try something more specific. Let's open a discussion on reviewing the most basic aspect of a story's construction: its compliance with the rules of the English language and its overall appearance. This thread is mostly aimed at those who'd like to get started reviewing, but if you're an experienced reviewer and would like to weigh in, feel free.

Grammar

First of all, if you want to review grammar, then you need to know grammar yourself.

It's beyond the scope of this post to teach grammar, but if you need help, check out this site's writing guide. It's a good place to start.

I think most people would assume this is an ironclad rule, but it's not. If you're not a native English speaker, or happen to not be very good at grammar for whatever reason, that can be fine if you're upfront about it. Acknowledge your limitation and simply focus on other aspects of the story. You can still point out obvious errors, but leave the fine details to others who know what they're talking about.

Grammar errors typically fall into two categories: systemic, and typos.

With systemic errors, the story consistently gets them wrong at every appearance. Common systemic errors include things like bad dialog punctuation, misspelled character names (Applebloom vs Apple Bloom), and frequent typos. If you see a systemic error, it's best to give one example, state that story consistently gets it wrong, and move on to other problems.

With typos, the story only makes that particular error once. Depending on how clean the story is, it can be worth pointing them out (especially if they're really bad), but don't dwell on them if they appear frequently. Consider them to be systemic, and just complain about the grammar in general terms. You can also point out errors in quoted material that you've included for other reasons, if you feel so inclined.

The best way to show grammar errors is to quote them.

'Why Ahm such a dumb pony that Ah dmb plum forgot how to punctuate dialog properly." Said Apple Jack.

When reviewing stories here, you'll see sentences like this one which contain multiple errors. It can be hard to list them them all, so in a case like this, a quote followed by a statement like 'bad grammar overall' can get your point across. Another trick is use FimFiction's formatting options to mark up the quoted material and highlight the errors specifically.

'"Why, Ahm Ah'm such a dumb pony that Ah dmb dumb plum forgot how to punctuate dialog properly.," Said Apple Jack said Applejack.

You don't have to be this colorful; re-quoting the passage with fixes can work too.

"Why, Ah'm such a dumb pony that Ah dumb plum forgot how to punctuate dialog properly," said Applejack.

It's also worth noting that Applejack would never say something like this. Don't get so caught up in the technical aspects that you miss out on the bigger picture.

You can use [sic] for minor errors.

If you happen across a story with fundamentally good grammar, then individual errors in quoted text will be quite rare. Adding [sic] to a passage shows that it was copied verbatim, including any errors contained within. While it'd be tiresome to toss in [sic] at the end of every quote in a badfic, it can be inserted after typos in a polished story to highlight them without having to mention them directly:

Twilight gently flapped the little wings sticking out of her her [sic] horn. They were no joke; there was no faking something like that! Beads of sweat dripped down her heaving flanks as her heart raced. Her disease was progressing far too quickly. What if her lungs grew wings next? ...or her heart? The light of her throne room suddenly became too intense, and her vision blurred. She felt cold and clammy and had to lie down, lest she faint. Alicorny cancer was a terrible, terrible thing.

Alicorny cancer... :facehoof: This story was doing great too, until it came up with that crappy name. If it wants us to feel bad for her, it should at least try to come up with something that doesn't sound like a joke!

Formatting

Formatting refers to the general appearance of a story.

How are the paragraphs structured? Are they too big? Do they stick to the one perspective, one idea rule? Are they spaced, indented, or both? Does the author use too much/many bold, italic, underline, all caps, resized text, colored text, asterisks, custom fonts, zalgo (vertical) text, hyperlinks, imbedded images, and/or YouTube videos? Are scene breaks inconsistently presented, omitted when necessary, contain info that should be in the narrative, or done well? You don't have to answer all these questions, but if the story just plain looks bad, then the formatting is to blame.

Quoting is the best way to highlight formatting errors.

Like grammar, poor formatting is best shown with an example or two.

"I *said*, muffins are NOT to be used as suppositories!"

Here, we have inconsistent methods used to emphasize certain words and asterisks are just plain bad in general. But, there could be more.

FimFiction's copy/paste function does not copy source formatting.

In most cases, you will have to edit your quote after you've copied it to preserve the source formatting. Fortunately, there's a toolbar above the text box, so all you have to do is highlight the text and click on the appropriate button to add the formatting.

"I *said*, muffins are NOT to be used as suppositories!"

Okay, I'm being a bit silly with this example, but as you can see, improperly done formatting can turn something into a mess. The main question to ask yourself when you see an author implementing formatting into the story is whether or not that worked and added to the experience, or didn't work and detracted from it.

If you can't duplicate the source formatting, cheat.

Sometimes, an author will drop things in the story that can't be copied in quotes due to FimFiction's restricted comment rules. For example, [left_insert]the left insert tag[/left_insert] doesn't work outside of story text, but if you want to show that in your review, you'll have to turn to images. Hit the 'print screen' button on your keyboard, open MS paint (or any other image editor), paste the image onto the canvas, select the appropriate area, crop the image to your selection, save the file, and upload it to an image hosting service such as imgur. This is also a good technique for inserting the story's cover page into your review.

Well this just got meta.

Authors, take note: the left and right insert tags are great tools for inserting footnotes.

Try to avoid quoting huge blocks of text just to show formatting.

If the story's a wall of text, then it's okay to just say that. You can back up your claim by adding a link directly to the story chapter. If you quote a large block of text that looks bad, then your review will also look bad simply for containing it. Do this sparingly and make sure you have a good reason for doing so.

Both

Grammar and formatting only scratch the surface of the story.

While errors can abound aplenty, and it can be fun to revel in them, be aware that they're just superficial. Focusing almost entirely on grammar and formatting will make your review appear shallow. (That review was written before we had official reviewers, so don't harp on it—it's a moot point anyway, since that story's been deleted).

Why is this shallow? Because grammar and formatting are the first thing one sees when one looks at a story. If you spend your whole review ranting about missing periods and miscapitalized names, then you've accomplished nothing because anyone can open the story and see the same thing for themselves in the first five seconds.

Limit yourself to a few paragraphs about grammar/formatting, then move on.

This isn't a hard rule by any means, but it can be a good guideline to start with. People expect you to read a story so they don't have to. Don't focus your attention on what the words look like, but rather on the meaning that they're trying to convey. A well rounded review will highlight multiple story aspects such as characterization issues, a basic plot summary, pacing, plot holes, narrative style, mood, etc.

Grammar and formatting are always in your face, screaming for attention, but once you've acknowledged them, feel free to focus on other issues.

When you rant about grammar, rant about grammar!

This is Rage Reviews, not Lemon-Scented Moist Towelette Reviews. If there's something worth getting upset about, then don't be afraid to show your anger.

Low rage:

The grammar and formatting are somewhat lackluster and this story could benefit from an editor.

High rage:

By the swollen, bloody, pulsating pulps that used to be my precious eyeballs, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR FOR AN OCCASIONAL PERIOD!? Commas were NOT meant to be used for everything! I could inject Ebola directly into my eyes and they'd bleed less than they did after reading this shit! This fanfic should be banned by OSHA! It's that bad!

This is more or less the exact opposite of the advice Obselescence wrote in his blog, How to be a Better Critic. However, our target audience is not the story's author, but rather the general public. Thus, we have an obligation to make our reviews entertaining.

Always back up sweeping claims with concrete examples.

A caveat to the above. Don't get so caught up in ranting that you forget to justify your reaction. We want a review, and not a rant. If you can't justify your reaction, then chances are that you've overreacted and should tone down your language.

Always edit your review before posting it.

You can't harp on grammar and formatting if your review itself contains numerous obvious errors. Nobody expects every post you make to be perfect, but you'll sound like a hypocrite if you don't put any effort into your own work. Most errors can be caught by reading through what you've written. A spellchecker can be a big help too, but you'll have to be extra careful when using one because you don't want to accidentally edit quoted material.

Conclusion

To summarize, my recommended strategy for reviewing the technical aspects of a story is this:

1. See it.

2. Show it.

3. Shoot it.

4. Bury it.

Here's an example from a different review:

Onward into the first chapter: The Ice Staff.

...what the fuck kind of formatting do you have going on here? First off, a lot lines are clumped together with it seeming random which times he will double space and which times he won't. Also, the ones that are clumped together alternate between being indented and not being indented. You know what would be a better way for the ready to easily separate the lines and keep track of what's going on? Put a fucking space between them.

"Twilight! Twilight! Oh, where is she?" Spike asks, worried and a hint of afraid in there.

"What Spike? I'm a bit busy right now."

"It's just that, it's snowing outside. It's the middle of summer."

"What? That can't be. Unless Rainbow Dash is pulling a prank."

"Well, no, it's just too much clouds. I think a blizzard is coming. I don't know."

"That is just, let me see." Twilight said concerned as if spike is hallucinating.

"Okay. I'm telling you, it's crazy."

There's a lot going wrong already with the grammar: afraid in there, messed up dialogue tags, commas how do they work, not capitalizing the right stuff, etc. But, I'll be working on this all day if I pointed out all the grammar issues. I'll just say that the grammar in this story sucks and move on.

This review fails at preserving the source formatting (tab character—why won't it copy!? :fluttershbad:), and needs a solid proofreading of its own, but it still manages to get its point across. By the way, if you do edit quoted material for clarity or other reasons, please inform us. Otherwise, we'll assume the story itself is like that which is misleading.

With one final thought, I'd like to say that the grammar and formatting of a story might be a steaming pile of shit, but if you stop, drop, and roll around in it, your review will start to smell like that too.

Hopefully, this was at least somewhat helpful. Best of luck if you do plan to start reviewing.

Rage Review: Remember When

Ah yes, nostalgia. There's nothing quite like reminiscence. At some point, each and every one of us was a bright-eyed, cheerful little foal, whose one and only dream was to peel the lint from the air filter in the drier after a large load of laundry. I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it.

Delving into the past can be a wonderful thing. It reminds us of who we are, and how we came to be the pony we are today. It can also be a place of pain, as the past is written in stone, and there's no escaping from one's failures there. Hindsight is always 20/20. We learn, but we wish we didn't have to.

Thinking of today's story, let's remember a time a bit closer to our hearts. Do you remember when the author, Cheesey Microwave, wrote some reviews here? Do you remember when she begged and begged and begged for someone to review her story, but that never happened? Do you remember when she quietly slipped away, feeling ignored and unappreciated?

Of course, now that she's gone, we're free to point and laugh at her story behind her back. (Seriously though, I've sent her a PM, as is our standard procedure.)

Well, enough rambling about the author's history. Let's check out this steaming pile of horsewords she left behind.

I cropped the chapter titles to save space, but there are seven, with 22,985 words total. A 19 to 1 rating is pretty impressive, but as we all know, that can be deceiving.

Before I talk about the content, I'm going to step back and complain about how awful that description looks. If I saw this lying on the street, I'd get mad at Applejack for failing to curb her dog. Here's an improvement:

Not ten years.

Not one hundred years.

Not one thousand years.

One million years.

An amount of time so ridiculously long, Celestia knew she would never see her beloved sister again. In fact, would Equestria even exist by that time? Would anything of the world she once knew remain? Why, oh why, did those Elements have such a terrible price?

Moping around in the library became Celestia's way to cope. Never really reading, simply grazing. But one day, she stumbles upon a book that could change Luna's fate. All it requires is sending Luna vivid stories, all comprised of cherished memories from their foalhood.

The catch? Luna must read them and write back, or the spell will not work. How would Celestia be able to convince whoever her sister had become to even open the letters?

Put spaces between the paragraphs! That's much easier to look at than some weirdly shaped blob. Some cover art would be good too.

Here's a nice, sappy image of Celestia and Luna from season one. It's not entirely appropriate, but it does remind us of what this story is working towards. The title would also be better if it said, "Remember When..." with an ellipsis at the end to indicate omitted content.

Now, as for the setup, it's arbitrary and contrived. Where did that million years thing come from? Do the Elements of Harmony suddenly have a users manual? How would Celestia even know? Stating that Luna's banishment was intended to be permanent would have had the same effect, but without the awkwardness.

Aside from that, the potential for shortening Luna's sentence by sending embarrassing childhood stories to Nightmare Moon is a good premise. It provides a long and hard path to redemption for our banished princess, and Celestia will be forced to reconcile the energetic fun-loving little filly she used to know with the wicked monster that she'd banished to the moon. Plus, we'll get to see Ce-Ce and Lu-Lu being adorable. There's much to look forward to, and that makes for a good hook. If only it played out that way.

Chapter One: The Book • 23rd November, 2014 • 1,302 words

This chapter exists to set up the premise outlined in the description, but it fails, and fails hard.

"Your Highness, would you like some tea?"

"No, Rosemary. Knock it off."

"Yes, m'lady."

Celestia spun around, her lips curled into a fierce snarl. "You don't mean that. You've never meant it. You always have to come back and bother me! I don't want any tea, I will never want some tea, and if you bother me one more time-"

"I will be fired," the green mare calmly replied.

"Yes!"

Right off the bat, we begin with a total non-sequitur and talking head syndrome. Forget the whole tea thing; either Celestia really hates Rosemary, or Rosemary really hates Celestia. I get the feeling that the hatred is mutual. Also, who is Rosemary? She can't be important since this story doesn't have an OC tag. As a generic castle servant, she's way out of line. Celestia's also oddly snappy, which doesn't fit her character well. She's one of the nicest ponies on the show!

As it turns out, Rosemary's threatening to resign because Celestia's been acting mopey after banishing her sister. Wow. Way to support your princess and be there for her in her time of need, generic green pony with a raspberry mane. /sarcasm

Apparently, getting sassed was what Celestia needed, because she mellows out and this supposedly unimportant castle servant gives advice about putting on a mask for the sake of appearances.

It had been thirty-two days and fifteen hours exactly since Luna had corrupted herself. The elder sister's mood had only worsened when she discovered how long the plan had been brewing in Luna's mind, and ever since she'd become introverted and harsh. When a visiting duke demanded she come and represent her ponies, she had demanded he lay his neck in the guillotine. Purely in jest, of course, but he had been offended nonetheless.

Yikes, this is so deep into hostile OOC territory that we've stepped on a character assassination landmine. Celestia can't jest about public execution! That's an obvious threat, not funny, and exceptionally poor taste. She loves her ponies. That's one of her most defining character traits. She'd never jest about killing them!

She pulled a brightly colored book off one of the shelves, its vibrant yellow binding old and cracked. It had apparently kept its color well, although the same could not be said for the material itself. Written in crude ink were the words "Please Don't: A Remedy for Parents Against Corporal Punishment".

She opened it, read a few biased paragraphs and tossed it aside. The alicorn pulled a different book, one with a strangely leathery cover, and opened it. To her horror, it was a book on necromancy. The particular page she had opened to was all about the many uses of blood extracted from a living pony. Disgusted, she burnt it until it was simply a pile of ashes.

Her entire afternoon repeated the same process: observe, open, taste and trash. Observe, open, taste and trash. Observe, open, taste and trash.

I think we switched scenes here? Given the tea thing, I assumed the conversation was taking place in her own room, but now we seem to be in a library given all the books that she's randomly destroying.

I can't possibly fathom why anypony would think that Celestia would act like this. Sure, she might be repulsed by necromancy specifically, but what about all the other books? Were they guilty by association? Did she not like the way that they smelled? Does she randomly hate books along with tea?

In canon, Celestia is a teacher. She might not have a passion for books like Twilight does, but she still appreciates their usefulness to the point where she preserves the dangerous tomes in a restricted area rather than destroying them. Besides, most of the books that Twilight has read were assigned directly by Celestia herself.

In this story, we have a mopey, whiny, snappy, impulsive, spoiled brat instead of the calm and collected princess that we know and love. I can understand her acting differently because she's much younger and depressed over the recent loss of her sister, but not to the point where she could be giving Diamond Tiara lessons on bitchiness.

Celestia's rampage is brought short when she happens upon a book about shortening banishment sentences. Um, how convenient? I don't even know why she was in the library in the first place, but she apparently found what she was looking for. Except, the page she needs is missing.

She began a desperate and frantic search to find the missing sheet. Throwing books off of the shelves and onto the ground, shaking every book with slight gaps between pages, even bucking the walls to get any loose papers on the ground. Many fell, but none were the missing page.

She goes on another violent rampage, only to discover that the page she'd been looking for had been stuck in her mane the whole time. :facehoof:

That was supposed to be a joke, but the execution was terrible. Why did the librarians or other ponies she talked to not care about the damage she was causing? How did the missing page even get stuck in her mane in the first place? She didn't react at all when the page was found so there wasn't any point to this scene at all. If you're going to tell a joke, at least follow through with it.

One must send letters containing fond foalhood memories to the banished. He must enchant the paper with any good luck charm he chooses. The banished must write back in the same fashion, omitting the good luck charm. This must be done until the casting of enchantment burns the paper to ashes. At that point, the spell will have taken place and the banishment, counting any time that has already passed, will only last one thousand years. This seems considerably easy compared to the warning, but most villains are banished for a million years and they rarely wish to correspond with somepony who tries to bring them back, as their ultimate intention(reformation) is quite obvious in most cases.

So many ponies have rejected the letters that I must include this warning: do not send another letter until you have received one in return. If you try to ignore that warning, the good luck charms will become bad luck and ultimately do more harm than good. While the pony will arrive within one hundred years instead of one thousand, their heart will be blackened and unsalvageable. If you accidentally send a letter before one is received, you must make every attempt to intercept the delivery before it is too late.

These are the rules presented and they are, uh, something. At first glance they look okay, but I have two major misgivings about them. First of all, once the spell 'works' and the banishment gets reduced, no further correspondence is possible because the letters get burned. That's pretty crappy. If the point is reformation, then wouldn't it make sense to allow the correspondence to continue?

Secondly, the warning at the end forces the author into a corner. Celestia's first letter will have to be perfect or the story will end before it can begin. Given how poorly she's been portrayed thus far, this does not fill me with confidence. It would have been better not to include that part and give her some freedom to fail.

Author's Note:

If anypony has ideas for a foalhood memory, I'm all ears. Literally. Which made typing this incredibly difficult.

Oh boy... While it's fine and all to take requests, don't beg for ideas. That just makes you sound insecure and desperate for attention.

Now that this chapter's ended, I feel as if I leaned less about this story than I did from reading the description. We never got any explanation for that million years thing. Celestia's, erm, 'activity' in the library was far removed from what I'd expected. Wonton vandalism isn't any sort of coping mechanism that I know of related to 'moping around.' We did get the terms of the reformation spell in more detail, so it wasn't a complete loss, but I was actually happier with the vague version presented in the description.

You know, when the author asked what she was doing wrong, and 'everything' immediately comes to mind, that can't be a good sign. Still, this story does have an overly positive rating, so it can't be that bad, right? Right? I can only cross my tail and hope.

Chapter Two: Remember When You Ran Away? • 23rd November, 2014 • 2,487 words

This chapter starts right off with Celestia's letter. The memory she's selected is one in which Luna ran away. That could be a clever allegory for their current situation, where Luna's 'run away' to the moon, but that would be giving this version of Celestia way too much credit. Honestly, she wears blinders in this story and can't plan past her nose.

Fed up with early bedtimes and constant pastry theft(I'm still sorry!), you packed your bags and bid me a loving farewell that consisted of spitting on my cake and telling me that you'll "sniff me later". I believe the term you were looking for was "smell ya later", but I digress.

I watched you trot out the door, your tail flipping from side to side as it always did when you were deep in thought. Whether you were pondering a new location to settle down in or how you would come across your next cookie since you'd left your bit bag under your pillow, obviously it was quite important. Did you even notice that you left it there? Honestly, my dear, you must've been in such an awful rush to get away from the tyranny that is Ce-Ce! How could you have possibly survived without the three hundred and sixty-two bits you had carefully saved up for over the years?

The narrative here switches to first person, and the story does a good job of including Celestia's voice as the narrator. This is much better than the dry, disinterested narrative voice we get in the frame (outer) story, but it still doesn't save this part from its faults.

Quite frankly, this mini-story is confusing and very hard to follow. I had to read through it several times, but I think I manged to get the gist of it.

Lu-Lu runs away because she's angry at her sister and doesn't want to put up with her anymore. She then stops to play with dolls, and it turns out that she'd hit her sister before fleeing and feels bad about that, so she cries.

Ce-Ce, who'd been trailing her wayward sister like some sort of creepy stalker, can't stand Lu-Lu tears, so she reveals herself. In the confusion, Lu-Lu's hobo bag breaks and the conflict is resolved because Lu-Lu had felt so bad about hitting her sister that she'd already written a lengthy apology note before leaving. They go home after that.

Yeah... no. It might be cute and all, but it makes so little sense that Sweetie Belle's play looks like a masterpiece by comparison. Obviously, the thing to do while angrily running away is to stop and play with dolls. If Lu-Lu was so upset with Ce-Ce that she'd run away, then why was she crying about hurting her? Even her apology note had bitterness to it.

It's one thing to catch a wayward child, reprimand her, and drag her home; it's quite another thing to spill her luggage, snoop in her stuff, and go home as if nothing had ever happened. If anything, Lu-Lu should have been even angrier at Ce-Ce for violating her privacy. Some sort of lesson should have been learned and there should have been a reconciliation, but neither of those things happened. Why pick this story to recall if there wasn't going to be any sort of subtle message to it?

Luna, Nightmare Moon, whoever you are, even if your deepest desire is to claim my throne as well as my life, I beg of you to write back with another memory. Even if your heart is fully blackened by the forces that possess you, I still want to bring you home as soon as possible. Comply, I beg of you!

Your loving sister,

Ce-Ce

Ouch. Celestia bookends her letter with a snooty, desperate plea that's so transparent that it might as well be made of glass. Yes, that's right; Celestia did the exact thing that the book warned against despite having read the warning! Celestia has the memory of a goldfish. A true diplomat would have goaded Nightmare Moon into writing back instead of demanding a reply. She's not the sort of villain who can be bossed around!

I guess as some sort of nod towards that requirement, Celestia goes out of her way to seal the letter with an old, crappy seal that they made as part of a school project that Luna loved. She then sends the letter, but forgot to add a good luck charm. :facehoof:

See what I mean about being unable to plan past her nose? At this point, I don't think that Celestia could see a plan unless it was inserted directly into her eyeball.

Rosemary reappears to chide Celestia for making a mess and getting ink all over herself. She also has a full-grown son, and is apparently suffering from arthritis. Um... what? If Rosemary is old, that should have been mentioned last chapter so that we could have gotten our first impression right. Her stopping by every hour with tea sounds too spry for a pony suffering from inflammatory joint pain, ya know?

Anyway, Celestia takes a bath and dribbles water all over her bedroom when she discovers that a letter has been delivered to her bed, for some reason. It turns out that some snob by the name of Prince Storm, who wrote his letter in bold text for some reason, wants to fob the Gala off onto Celestia because nopony else wants to host the most important, must-attend event of the year. It's too bothersome to clean up afterwards, apparently. Is Celestia the only noble pony with servants? She agrees, then discovers that her bath hadn't worked and her fur's been stained grey.

She dumps the soiled bath water and brings in a grumpy servant called May Flower to fetch more.

"I require you to fetch water and sufficient wood for burning. You are to use the wood to heat the water, which in turn you shall deliver to the royal washtub. You may not delegate this task to any other servant."

May Flower sighed and trotted off, mumbling under her breath. Many of the poor foals near the castle told Celestia that the bright magenta mare forced them to do dreadful tasks in her stead, and Celestia was absolutely tired of it. She wasn't hired to be a supervisor, she was hired to serve her princess' every whim.

Celestia has no appreciation for talent. Delegation is a useful skill. If May Flower has a knack for it, why not promote her? The only reason to care about who does the actual work is to be petty and vindictive. It sounds like she'd rather have slaves than servants.

"You haven't noticed? Half of Equestria seems to feel the same way you do, but it's not because they lost Luna. They feel like they lost you. You never come out of the castle, you don't make visits to schools that you had carefully scheduled weeks before, you're continually forgetting to raise the moon at the right time which messes with the children's bedtimes... need I say more?"

The princess paused. "I suppose not. Keep in mind, however, that I'm considering some new ponies to hire, and I'm already overstaffed."

After being pressured into revealing why she's so grumpy, May Flower has the tact not to bring up the forced labor she just went through and instead offers some not-so-subtle advice about improving morale by setting a good example. This is clearly a pony who knows a thing or two about leading others. In response, she gets a threat.

The chapter ends when a response from Luna/Nightmare Moon arrives. Giant, foam thumbs-up on that cliffhanger. At least this chapter does something right.

My general thoughts so far? This story is off to a terrible start. It generally has poor attention to detail, and we have tyrant Celestia for no good reason. The letter was the best part, but it lacked coherence and with little detail was very hard to follow. It wasted all of its potential. But! This story does have an overly-positive rating, and we haven't yet see the other side of this story. Luna/Nightmare Moon's reply is going to be very critical and things could still turn around.

Chapter Three: Remember Our Encounter With Robbing Hood? • 25th November, 2014 • 2,699 words

Let's dig right in, shall we?

I write to you with astral ink and paper forged from the sky. How this is possible, I do not know. I simply attempt to conjure and this appears.

The forces that once controlled me now patrol the place I am banished within, making sure my every attempt to leave Is foiled. They seem to understand that they are the ones who belong here, not me, but they want company. Or perhaps they hate me. Or they need a pawn.

Why you ask for memories you never clarified, but I shall still oblige with one of my fondest. Before I begin the tale, however, I must say that I didn't remember the running away incident until you brought it to my attention.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

This story just wrote out Nightmare Moon completely! It didn't even try to do anything with her. She basically doesn't exist! On top of that, Luna's not even going to show one hint of jealousy? She's not the least bit bitter that she's been banished to the moon? She's not going to have any sort of personality whatsoever?

Hey, do remember that larger narrative which promised us a long and hard journey towards redemption? Well guess what? It invested in Enron. It voted for Nadir. It filled in all the bubbles on a standardized test. It made yet another Land Before Trot movie. It constructed an orbital space pipeline to harvest the oil reserves on the moon. It licked the North Pole. It played Russian roulette with an automatic.

It. Has. Failed.

By starting with a version of Luna that's already free of corruption, there's no reason for her to change. Thus, she'll be unable to undergo any character development, and that was kinda the whole point of this story. The only pony who needs reforming here is Celestia, but she's scoffed at any attempt to change her. My hope of actually seeing a plot in this story has shriveled up, died, caught fire, burned, and its ashes have been scattered on the wind.

Luna's letter is about the time they met some wandering vagabond named Robbing Hood. It's set at a later time than the previous letter, as Luna has her cutie mark and they're both old enough to be getting courtship requests. They're talking about one such stallion when a gangly colt ambushes them and demands all of their money so he can give it to the poor. They yell and laugh at him, which doesn't sound the least bit safe because they both have swords magically pressed against their throats, one of which is bloody.

Celestia tosses the swords away with her own magic, which she should have done at the start, and we get this speech from Luna:

I rose to my hooves and in the Royal Canterlot Voice, which you have never seemed to perfect, bellowed, "Thy communist doings shall not go unpunished, for the redistribution of wealth harms those who require the money most! Hast thou not any idea of the true percentage of the honest who are unable to find work? Nay, it is quite miniscule! Those poor you richly reward for being lazy shall never support themselves as long as they have fools like you around! I demand that your real name be told and your parents known so that they may see what a shame you've become and punish you accordingly!"

Apparently, giving poor people money is some kind of enabler which encourages them to keep being poor. This is standard free-market, capitalist propaganda which is based upon the assumptions that those who want to work can find work and that said work will always pay the bills. It's too bad the real world doesn't work that way. Great, now I'm talking politics. I need to wash my muzzle out with soap. It's not like Robbing Hood's plan was any better since mugging people is a terrible thing regardless of what he does with the money.

He then told us about the awful flu that had been going around and that [his parents] were the first two victims. He couldn't afford a tombstone and the townsponies were too coldhearted to even pay a chiseler- or offer one for free- so that he could at least have their names carved in stone. Ever since then, he'd been building a cottage for the caskets to reside in. What money didn't go to the old and disabled ponies would be used for materials.

A quick aside: This story has good grammar, which I appreciate, but there's a minor formatting error here. The hyphens should be doubled or replaced with dashes, and they should be spaced evenly on both sides or not at all.

Now, as for Robbing Hood, did he get no inheritance at all? Why is it more reasonable to build a house for dead bodies than it is to just bury them? That sounds a lot more expensive than a tombstone! This pony might be an orphan, but he sounds mentally unstable in dire need of counseling, especially with the whole robbing ponies at sword-point thing.

So of course, Celestia invites him home and offers him Luna's room to sleep in.

Gee, the next chapter's called, Remember When You Got Pregnant? I wonder how that could have happened.

So this gangly, dirty colt is given free reign over Luna's stuff with absolutely no supervision. Luna's not having anything to hide does not mean that she has nothing that can be broken, soiled or stolen. Why does Celestia even trust this kid? He'd threatened them with actual, bloody swords! Why does Luna not have any say in this?

Well, he finds something that Luna was trying to hide, and ruins a birthday present. They go to bed, and at least Luna's sleeping in Celestia's room. Except, Celestia snores so Luna goes back to her own room in search of ear plugs.

Robbing Hood had made a pillow fort, so Luna makes one too. They somehow battle each other with stray cats and owls (wut?), and Luna wins. She has a home turf advantage, I guess, since she knows some of the cats by name. She then 'executes' him for his crimes.

After a very amusing death, he got up and told me his real name: Dusty Roads. Born to be a traveler, he was desperate to see new places and ponies but also needed to honor his parents. His illogical solution was to become a thief.  Though I tried to talk him out of it, he told me about some truly rotten ponies who deserved to have every little bit stolen away that he had successfully robbed. When I applauded him on that, he took it as proof that I approved and called me "a fellow communist".

To this very day, I'm fairly sure he still has that scar. Or maybe he's dead. Hopefully from the scar.

After some time had passed and the moon was high in the sky, he thanked me for my hospitality and jumped out the window.

That middle paragraph doesn't fit. What scar? He didn't have one before. If she'd hit him hard enough to scar him for calling her a 'communist' then he'd be a screaming bloody mess and not thanking her before leaving on the very next line. Hmm, come to think of it, what exactly were they doing together during that time skip before Luna moved the moon to its apex and he left? Somehow, I doubt they were sleeping. :rainbowwild:

He left a booby-trapped box behind (when did he have time to make that?) which Luna gives to Celestia to play a prank on her. She falls for it, and that wraps up the letter Luna wrote.

After reading the letter, Celestia's distracted by Rosemary dangling outside a window. The elderly pony risked her life to catch a sickly, molting phoenix, whom she gives to Celestia and names Philomena. She's also suddenly Celestia's former nanny and so old that her tail's caught in the grave. Um, what? Way to provide obvious, necessary details two chapters late!

Celestia anxiously galloped to her writing room, which was now clean thanks to the new and energetic housekeeper. Pulling out a piece of paper, she began to write at a furious speed, detailing what she knew of Rosemary's impending doom.

She looked over it when she was done and crumpled it into a little ball. The hoofwriting was childish, the descriptions poor, and it was hardly fifty words in total. She had no real information whatsoever.

Hey! That sounds a lot like this story. The descriptions are poor, and we have no real information whatsoever!

Author's note:

Okay, so the author believes that she's using Trollestia. That's an odd choice considering the supposed sad themes in this story, but it can still work. It's just too bad, though, that what we actually get is more like this:

Chapter Four: Remember When You Got Pregnant? • 27th November, 2014 • 3,338 words

The chapter starts with Celestia sleeping in. May Flower wakes her up, Celestia raises the sun about four hours late, and goes back to bed.

Then there's a scene with Rosemary talking with her son. I guess the point there is to show that somepony still cares about her, because Celestia obviously doesn't? She could also die at any second, despite being active enough for daring acrobatics just one day ago.

"Your Highness, your presence is required in the throne room."

Celestia rolled her eyes and climbed out of bed. "I gave very specific orders for Luna to fill in my place today."

The guard stared at her. "You're kidding."

"Why would you say that? I've done it before." She yawned and stretched out like a cat. "Why hasn't she come in and tried to bother me yet if she's not fulfilling my duties?"

The brown stallion looked at the ground. "Your Highness, would you like to see a physician?"

"Why does everypony keep asking me that?" The irritation in her voice made it clear that she hadn't an inkling of how ridiculous her words were.

"Luna has not bothered you because you banished her to the moon." He winced and curled up into a ball, hooves over his eyes.

Celestia blinked for a few times, then slowly sank to the ground. She cursed under her breath, then gradually became louder and louder until she was screaming curses loud enough for everypony in the castle to hear.

Youtube Video

Wow, just wow. I knew Celestia had the memory of a goldfish, but this just takes the cake. Because she'd forgotten that she'd banished her sister to the moon, this somehow justifies her turning into a massive bitch. She punches out a random noble who'd had the audacity to act offended at her self-centered tirade, then evicts everypony else. Randomly attacking the nobility sure sounds like a terrible way of running the kingdom. I'd ask why nopony had bothered to overthrow her, but the pony who did try doing just that got banished to the moon for a million years. Wait, is that why Luna's banishment was so long? Because tyrant Celestia was just being a bitch?

Celestia then demands another bath, because, why not? While May Flower rushes to carry out that order, Celestia ruins the food on the trays that May Flower had been carrying.

The princess delicately picked up the pie and took a bite, then spat on what was left. As for the pudding, she stepped in it, then licked it off her hoof. It had been so long since she had done something so immature.

Um... no. Celestia's been consistently immature throughout this entire story. She's done nothing but make unreasonable demands, act irresponsible, destroy stuff whenever she gets the least bit upset, and still feels completely justified in her actions. I don't know about you, but this sounds like excellent characterization–

–for fucking Gilda!

Well, as it turns out, the food Celestia'd ruined was actually May Flower's job application for a chef's position. That really came flying out of nowhere. What did May Flower think she was doing by baking that stuff during her current job anyway? Was she trying to get fired? Misuse of her employer's resources aside, ponies don't generally change careers that drastically because of the whole cutie mark thing. She was originally presented as a supervisor working in a servant's position, and now she's suddenly a master chef? Those things aren't even close to being related! I guess she finally came to the realization that working as Celestia's servant is a thankless dead-end job and she wants out.

Hmm, all-told, it feels like that was just tossed in to rub in what a horrible pony tyrant Celestia is. If that's the case, then it wasn't quite over-the-top enough to be funny. See, in addition to being her chef's trial and made from rare ingredients from the Crystal Empire that are no longer obtainable, they should also be part of a bake sale to raise money for kittens and puppies for cancer-ridden orphans. If they don't raise enough, then the only pets they'll be able to afford are rabid timberwolves.

After her conversation with May Flower, a pregnant mare by the name of Terra Cotta is suddenly now talking with Celestia. There's a line break, but it still feels abrupt. Perhaps if some time were taken to actually describe the setting, we wouldn't feel like were being shuffled around like poker chips on a craps table.

"Oh, when's the baby due, Terra?"

"In a few months." The cheerful mare resembled a vase made of the substance she was named after, and her pregnancy didn't help. "We're not sure what to name it yet."

Celestia lazily lifted her blanket, then lowered it again. "I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep."

"Oh, that happens sometimes. Try some tea. It'll help."

"I hate tea."

"What, exactly, did you call me in for?"

"Does your husband have a job?"

"Not yet."

"When he finds one, you're fired."

Terra Cotta was taken aback by this. "But... can't I just take maternal leave or something? Surely the child will be old enough to stay quiet by then..."

"Maternal leave, fired, whatever."

What the fuck!? It's hard to find material this offensive in actual troll stories! This has to be the single worst portrayal of Celestia that I've ever seen! Not only is she being impulsive, petty, tyrannical and sexist, but she's also implying that she hates babies. To make matters even worse, this story is actually trying to be serious.

The cup of coffee that Celestia never ordered and nopony brought in was apparently drugged, so Terra Cotta snickers and walks off. Despite already feeling tired, and suffering from the effects of a sleeping potion, Celestia somehow stays up to write another letter to Luna. I guess the coffee itself is just that strong? I'm pretty sure that's not how things work.

Okay, so this 'pregnancy' story takes place earlier than the other two childhood tales, as their parents are still alive.

One day, you told me to go in my room and not come out until you were done with whatever you were doing. I don't remember your exact words, and I hate speaking in that archaic tongue we once used, so everything we say shall be modernized in my memories. Is that a word? That's a word, right? It's a word.

Say what? Where'd this modernized vs. archaic language thing come from? Since Celestia's former nanny is still alive, I doubt she's any older than around seventy in this story. Plus, it's only been a month since Luna was banished to the moon. Language does shift over time, but not that fast.

So this whole 'pregnancy' thing is actually just a prank, which shouldn't be a surprise given the age of these ponies. (But you never know for certain; at least one story exists featuring pregnancy at that age.) Placing quotes around 'pregnant' in the chapter title would clarify this.

Lu-Lu, of course, claims that she's pregnant.

"Only married ponies can get pregnant," I reminded you. This, however, did not faze you, you stubborn bundle of energy.

Your reply was, "It's a cheat code, Ce-Ce. Only smart ponies know about it. Mommy and Daddy know, but they don' wanna tell us because we're not supposed to have babies yet."

"That's right, Luna. In fact, having babies hurts a lot."

"Not when you swallow a pumpkin seed. Then you lay an egg in your sleep. When it hatches, you get a pony!"

That got pretty ridiculous pretty quickly. I did find this story amusing, and it's also short, so if you'd like to see it in its entirety just open the chapter text and scroll down to the giant quote block and start reading from there. If not, that's fine too. I put a summary in the spoilered text. After deciding to name her baby 'Butthead,' Luna tricks Ce-Ce into believing that she did lay a pony egg in her sleep, complete with an actual embryo inside of it. The egg is a fake, and the embryo a clay figurine, but Ce-Ce totally fell for it.

I guess this goes to show that even the worst stories can still have some good moments. After sending the letter, Celestia has to be reminded to lower the sun because she's not thinking straight because somepony drugged her. Once again, there was no good luck charm, and I think the story forgot about that, because that requirement is never mentioned again. The chapter ends with another author's note begging for ideas. :facehoof:

I'm not sure what to think at this point. The frame story is an epic disaster, but these letters are starting to play out like a series of prank wars. If the story can keep pumping out cute and silly moments like this one, then it doesn't really matter how awful the rest is because this is the type of stuff that people like to see and will keep coming back for.

Chapter Five: Remember When You Met Discord? • 27th November, 2014 • 4,851 words

This chapter is fairly long, at nearly 5k words, but it feels like it drags on much longer. Despite how irritable and insufferable Celestia was yesterday, she's apparently content to sit through a very boring and lengthy argument between Prince Storm and another noble about whether gold or silver should be the primary color for the Grand Galloping Gala. By the way, Prince Storm is the pony who fobbed the Gala off onto Celestia in the first place.

"I like silver," Celestia interrupted. "It reminds me of Luna. Let's use that."

Storm smiled triumphantly. Metal Rays looked like she wanted to reply, but the memory of the princess' strike was fresh in her mind. She simply lowered her head.

Why did this story have to go and remind us of that awful last chapter? Celestia's still oppressing her ponies even when she's not flipping out.

With that detail out of the way, the story decides to bore us another way by talking about Celestia's dress for the gala instead.

Prince Storm orders tea for them both while they settle down for their private conversation.

The princess sat on the ground and held out the empty cup to the filly [servant]. She smiled and poured in a little too much, the chestnut-colored liquid staining Celestia's coat. Horrified, she searched for a napkin to clean it up with, but the monarch shook her head and motioned towards her nephew's cup.

Annoying perspective shift aside, what happened to Celestia's irrational hatred of tea? She very loudly complained every other time tea was mentioned and threatened to be fire the pony who brought it up. Is this some strange, bizzaro version of what tyrant Celestia would be like if she were actually nice? Was she off her meds, and that's what the drugs in the coffee was all about? Is this all just a dream? Heh, that would be pretty amusing—a dream so boring that it's actually keeping her asleep. You know Celestia's characterization has been screwed up royally when it's actually jarring to see her act in-character.

Celestia ruffled his mane, then smoothed it back into place. "Wouldn't want to make you look bad in front of your marefriend," she teased.

"H-how did you...? Celestia, you're just being awful today!" He rose to his hooves and darted away, his wings carrying him farther than his hooves.

She snickered and trotted off to the kitchen. She was hungry. It was time for cake.

So, Celestia's teasing him about being his marefriend, since there are no other ponies in that scene, and he's also her nephew. Like, ew. :pinkiesick: Then... cake! Like a vapid nopony, she forgets everything in favor of food. I guess her goldfish mind doesn't allow her to process any thoughts not related to instant self-gratification.

Well, there's apparently a funeral procession in the kitchen, because it's full of somber ponies dressed in black.

Celestia's jaw dropped. "Who died?"

The mare and her friend exchanged glances. The fat stallion said, "M-Minister Pennyworth."

The powerful princess wasn't sure if she should be happy because it was some grumpy old stallion who had been begging at death's door for years, or sad because she'd been there when he was a happy and vibrant colt who wanted to be a soldier. She simply turned and trotted away, her face betraying her confusion.

Here, we have a young princess who hasn't yet come to terms with her immortality. Her inner conflict does seem plausible, except for that part about wanting to be happy about his death. It would be one thing if she was glad his suffering had ended, but the way it's worded makes her sound like an insensitive jerk.

Still thinking about cake, she runs into a pony who tells her about May Flower's failed cooking audition. Celestia comes to the realization that this was her fault, and because she's nice now, decides to take it upon herself to correct her mistake. She teleports around looking for her servant, and eventually finds May Flower outside being threatened by colts with sticks.

May Flower's not in much danger as she snaps and literally throws a colt after he hits her, then screeches about quitting her job and tries to trot away. Celestia restrains her, and we get this speech:

"You believed those idiots' every word! What really happened wasn't that I forced them to do things for me; I just wouldn't let them try any of my dishes! Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to be a chef? I mean, do you really think I got this nasturtium and daisy on my flank because I'm meant to be a servant? But no, they have to trip me, fling stones at the food, take bites when I'm not looking, and then what? They tell lies about me to the ever-gullible princess! And now you're in on the game, making me do petty tasks while crushing my dreams! I thought you wanted me out of here! Why are you hindering my every effort to escape?!"

This would have been a shocking reveal if it weren't so damn silly. So the orphans are all nasty, violent bullies? Do they have no supervision whatsoever? How can they possibly expect to pick on an adult and get away with it? Why would they even attack her when Celestia was standing right there? Why did May Flower keep all of this a secret until now? If she really wanted to be a chef, how did she even become a castle servant in the first place?

Also, what's up with that cutie mark? All the bakers we've seen in the show (the Cakes, Sugar Belle, Doughnut Joe) have finished products on their flanks, not raw ingredients. I assumed her name was based off the saying, 'April showers bring May flowers,' so that plus a cutie mark of two flowers should mean that she's a gardener. That's no guarantee though, as cutie marks can also be symbolic. Except... nasturtium are symbolic of patriotism, and daisies symbolize innocence. Neither of those things have anything to do with cooking. There's no cohesion in May Flower's design and nothing makes sense upon closer inspection. It's as if this story just picked a bunch of pony related stuff and haphazardly slapped it together hoping nobody would notice.

Celestia completely ignores the wayward children and arranges for another job tryout at May Flower's diner of choice. And, just to ensure that she's not going to lose any tyranny points even when she's acting nice, she also sits on the judge's panel. As if that's not biased at all. May Flower gets the job, but is hardly appreciative of Celestia's intervention on her behalf. Gee, I wonder why?

Before Celestia can get angry about not being treated like a princess, she gets another letter from Luna. Just so you know, Discord has already been mentioned in the first two letters. Luna was apparently fond of him, and he hadn't done anything bad yet, so it's unlikely that he'll be evil in his first appearance. That's not a bad interpretation of canon, as it would give Celestia reason to believe that he could be reformed. I wouldn't go so far as to make him friendly, though, given his obvious difficulties with that concept.

Luna starts her letter by expressing her preference for the 'old' way of speaking, despite not using that manner of speaking in her previous letter outside of that one passage I quoted. This story sprinkles in 'thee's and 'thou's, mostly in dialogue, but it struggles to use them properly. Here's a guide:

thou - singular informal, subject (Thou art here. = You are here.)

thee - singular informal, object (He gave it to thee.)

ye - plural or formal, subject

you - plural or formal, object

I suppose that was done to help distinguish Luna from a cardboard box, but it still feels as though something is missing.

I can't imagine what. There's more to Luna than just her manner of speaking, ya know?

While play fighting in the woods, they happen upon Discord by accident when Celestia smacks him with her wooden sword. He's annoyed, but not upset and introduces himself after Luna rudely yells in his face.

The creature shook its head. "I am Discord. A creature made to wreak havoc, a child of Echidna and Typhon. My mother hath cast me out, for I do not wish to destroy ponies as much as she does. Yea, she hath even scratched me out of the family records, so that none may know I am of her spawn!"

Ah, mythology. If one wants to give Discord parents, those are pretty good choices. Typhon is a monster with a hundred dragon heads, while Echidna is a half-serpent, half-woman. Having Discord amongst their progeny is a logical conclusion; though, amusingly enough, it would make him Cerberus's brother. No age was given for Discord, but rebelling against his mother? Obvious teenager.

When asked what powers he has, he claims to be able to break the rules. They want him to prove this by bringing their ailing grandmother back to full health. Despite having been treated badly and having nothing to prove, he agrees and follows them home.

First, he wondered if her eyes were the problem. He pulled out his own and offered them to her. She declined. He put them back and tested her reflexes with a small mallet. She slapped him for that, but it wasn't a hard one. She was simply playing around. Grandmother had come to accept him as a third grandchild.

Discord literally just appeared, never introduced himself, offers her body parts, smacks her, and granny automatically accepts him like a third grandchild? What? Meethinks that Luna is getting ahead of herself a wee bit.

Discord turned around and asked rather loudly if we knew what was wrong with her. She said rather loudly that she was an old pony who was going to die.

"Not if I can help it!" Discord stamped his hoof. "I shall make thee younger; mayhaps you shall have more years to live!" He then snapped his talons and turned Drop Spindle into a filly.

It was a sight to behold: she was a filly, yes, but a filly with tiny iron-frame glasses that made her eyes a bajillion times bigger. She opened her mouth to speak and said, "Child, thou would do well to change me back!" in the voice of a tiny foal. It was hilarious!

It sounds like Discord legitimately cares about this random old pony. I'm sorry, but that's way out of character. Empathy is a difficult concept for him, and it's one of the reasons why he struggles with friendship so much. He likes having a friend, but he also wants to be free to do as he wishes. His inability to do anything that would upset Fluttershy and cost him his friendship makes him feel artificially caged, and that's what made him so vulnerable to Tirek's temptations. Under no circumstances would he do everything he possibly could to save the life of some random old pony that he's never met before and has no reason to care about.

The bouquet in your hooves that you had been carrying ever since he gave it to you had been full of bees, and now with Discord's disappearance they came out. They attacked your face, prompting you to scream and run in horror as they stung you everywhere. Interestingly enough, it wasn't venom they injected you with, but blackberry preserves. As I learned later when I got too close and was stung, it didn't really sting. You were just being a bit of a whiner.

When Discord returned with his grassy mattress, you were covered in preserve-oozing welts.

Aside from screwing up his base personality, his random antics are spot-on. If he was there for pretty much any other reason whatsoever, there wouldn't be a problem.

Well, he spends the night with them, becomes Luna's friend, and promises to make their parents supreme leaders of his newly created kingdom. At this point, the story is just forcing him to do things that no sane being would even contemplate. This 'kingdom' thing came out of nowhere, and he hasn't actually met their parents! Discord might be many things, but he's not actually crazy.

In the morning, Drop Spindle has an asthma attack, I think? With sudden shortness of breath and glazed eyes, that's similar to what I'd expect. Regardless, she seems pretty dead-set on dropping dead right there. Discord looks pleased, and good for him! He finally seems to be taking pleasure in the agony of others.

I wanted to kill him, but then he reached out to Drop Spindle. He slowly took her hoof in his paw, squeezed it, and then something wonderful happened.

Her breathing was no longer forced. Her eyes were full of life. Somehow, some way, he had given her back to us. For how long a time, we did not know, but we had her back.

In exchange, he was now rather sickly-looking. What was once sturdy was now limp. He had lost some of his physical strength and charm. This, however, did not stop you from falling in love all over again.

Wow. That really came far out of left field. To put this into perspective, here's another scenario that makes about as much sense:

Rarity: Oh no! Is that some sort of random pony lying in the gutter?

Gutter Pony: Ugh, my head. Um, hello?

Rarity: What is this!? You've been drinking too much! You're liver's about ready to give out!

Gutter Pony: Miss, do I know you?

Rarity: This is the Worst! Possible! Thing!

Gutter Pony: Uurf. D-don't shout. Headache...

Rarity: Now don't you fret, Darling. Allow me to show you my generosity by cutting myself open so that I can magically replace your old, ailing liver with my young and vibrant one!

Gutter Pony: Wait, what are you—AAAAAAAH!

Rarity: SUCCESS! See, that wasn't so bad now, was it? Feeling better? Hmm?

Gutter Pony: I, well, um, I'm definitely sober now, and, uh, scarred for life. I'm going to start screaming once this sinks in, like other things... Er, you're bleeding an awful lot...

Rarity: Oh no, don't you worry about me, darling. After all, everypony knows that livers grow back, right? Right? ...thud.

Random, drive-by organ donation! Yeah, no. Not even Rarity's that generous.

I eagerly await the next letter, especially if it's the one that lets me come home.

Well, the letter's almost done, but it wouldn't be complete without an obvious plot hole. Their only form of communication is these letters, and Celestia never explained what they were for. Thus, Luna should not have this knowledge.

After reading the letter, Celestia muses over how much longer this is going to take, which is kinda pointless, because Luna will remain banished for a thousand years regardless of how quickly the spell takes effect.

Terra Cotta comes in and distracts the princess with her pregnancy, so Celestia decides to put off writing back to Luna in order to make a toy for the unborn baby. I also can't help but notice that Terra Cotta did not request maternity leave until after she stated that her husband had found a job. This suspiciously sounds like it really is unpaid leave, after all. If Celestia's off-hoof remark about it being equivalent to being fired is correct, then Terra Cotta won't even have a job to return to! The more I learn about this version of old Equestria, the less I like it.

The author's still begging for ideas, and a few people have actually started to drop some in the story comments. Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

To summarize, this chapter featured an abrupt one-eighty with Celestia's characterization. She suddenly went from being utterly insufferable and nasty to generally patient and nice. Character development is good, but not when there's no reason for it. Am I supposed to believe that this is how Celestia generally acts and yesterday and the days before were just off days? If that's the case, then she's a walking minefield and any little thing that goes wrong could potentially flip her right back into full-blown tyrant mode.

I went into more detail with this childhood letter than the others, and that's because it just grated me so badly. As I mentioned, it's fine to portray Discord as not evil, but that's no excuse for turning him into a bloody saint! Why is this story so consistent with getting canon characters so wrong? We're now 0/4 with Discord joining the ranks of Celestia, Nightmare Moon, and Luna as unrecognizable characters. Blah.

Chapter Six: Remember When I Got Sick? • 1st December, 2014 • 3,985 words

Hmm, since she's raising the sun on time, I'm guessing we'll get the 'nice' side of tyrant Celestia again. She's still working on that toy with blind devotion when she gets a letter from Prince Storm. He'd only promised one design for her Gala dress, but he actually sent five. Given that he drew each design himself, this boring subplot has turned creepy.

I'm beginning to suspect that his stated reason for giving the Gala to her was a lie. He really wanted to guarantee her attendance so that she'd need a dress so that he could make it for her. Why is he so obsessed with dressing her up? Either he's in love with his aunt, or the story's turning him into Rarity 2.0.

[Celestia] wrote a quick letter back asking him to come to the castle and discuss the dresses with her, then threw the rejected drawings away. Under no circumstances whatsoever would she wear anything like them.

Well, at least Celestia has a harmless outlet for her oppressive, tyrannical urges. She sure showed those drawings who's boss! She's also falling for whatever Prince Storm is planning like a good little pawn.

After dealing with the letter, Celestia decides to take a break and investigate a tower where she'd seen suspicious activity yesterday. The place is a mess, but she finds her mother's old crown and that sets off a short memory.

The tiara, in fact, had been her mother's undoing in one of the battles. Celestia couldn't help but snicker as she thought of it: the proud gray mare returning with a nasty scowl on her face, forced to explain to her children that they didn't have Fort Hoofton captured because her tiara fell off and she bent over to pick it up, resulting in an enemy striking her while her back was turned. She became confused, shouted the wrong order, chaos resulted, and they lost.

The story has a lot of moments like this where some historical event is mentioned briefly, but they're usually confined to the letters. They could be good for world-building, but we never get any context or exposition surrounding them. I don't know where Fort Hoofington is, who they were fighting, what they were fighting for, when this battle took place, or why it was strategically important. It's about as off-putting as acronym abuse or overuse of technobabble/jargon. The only ones who know what any of that mean are the characters themselves, so it feels like they're circlejerking. I'd rather not see the story go off on huge tangents to explain these things, but some info to help place them would be a huge help.

This reminds Celestia of Rosemary, so she finally decides to visit the still-dying mare. Because she'd seen somepony making multiple trips to remove things from the tower yesterday, she assumes that she'd been robbed. But then we get this:

"...I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before, Ce-Ce." The old mare looked at her hooves. "I-I just didn't want you getting worked up over it."

Celestia stared at the rough crown in her towel-wrapped hooves. "So... nothing was stolen?"

"No, no! Cloudy would never do something like that!" Rosemary seemed taken aback by that comment. "He's a good colt!"

"I'm sure he is. I didn't know who it was, so I just assumed..." She set the crown down. "How's that naked bird you caught doing?"

Rosemary stamped her hoof with surprising strength. "I'm telling you, Celestia, it's a phoenix! Go look at it now! I certainly wish you would've kept it in your room so you could watch. My poor son nearly broke his back lugging it over here!"

"Well, that's too bad. Think of him the next time you try to catch a bird." With a teasing smile on her face, Celestia trotted to the small room adjacent to Rosemary's. Inside was a birdcage. inside that birdcage was a pile of ashes. "Rosemary, you're right. This bird isn't naked at all!"

Um, what? The logic here is very confused. So instead of being robbed, Rosemary's son was just rescuing Philomena. How would that take multiple trips? Who put Philomena up there in the first place? Why did Rosemary not want to bother Celestia, then go on to say that she wanted Celestia to watch over him? Trying to make sense of what happened here feels like I'm tackling a Rubik's Cube with tweezers.

I didn't mention this when Philomena was introduced, but Celestia refuses to believe that he's a phoenix because he's not majestic. This is despite the fact that Rosemary said that he is, and even explained what he was going through. Despite the fact that bird's a pile of ash now, which should be a huge fucking clue, Celestia still doesn't believe Rosemary and winds up amazed by his rebirth.

The surprise here is that there is no surprise because anyone could have seen this coming from all the way from the Voyager probe. Waiting for this subplot to conclude was about as exciting and action-packed as folding your ears flat and realizing that you've caught that mosquito that's been bugging you. You kinda dread the thought of smacking yourself upside the head to squish it and having to deal with the inevitable bloody mess, but until you do, you're forced to endure incessant, annoying buzzing.

Rosemary names the bird Philomena again, and Celestia decides that he should be a free bird and remain uncaged. He doesn't seem to like the castle, though.

Somewhat anxious, Celestia trotted back into the castle and up to her writing room. Something was wrong with the castle, she could see that now. Yes, Luna/Nightmare who-cares had practically destroyed it in her crazed state, but it had been fixed by some of the strongest unicorns in all of Equestria. It was sturdy. What had been built over decades couldn't have possibly been destroyed by one little tantrum, especially with all the repairs.

Not again! All this time she's been living in the old, damaged (but repaired) castle of the royal pony sisters? I know it's only been a month since Luna's banishment, but I thought she'd already moved to Canterlot! I can't really call this a plot hole since the setting's never been established, but it's still a massive communication failure. We shouldn't have to wait until chapter six to get a setting! What's next? Are we suddenly going to learn that Rosemary is really a diamond dog and that her pegasus son was adopted? Given this story's excessive lack of detail, that's almost a real possibility! We do know she's a mare, but we've yet to learn her actual race. In fact, we never do!

Thinking about how ill Rosemary is gives Celestia the idea for her next letter to Luna. Young Ce-Ce's been a spoiled brat in every other letter, so having her humbled by the misery of illness should be a refreshing change of pace.

Dear Luna,

How are you, I'm well, blah blah blah. This story is just too good clutter up! I promise I'll get all sappy when it's over, okay?

She starts her letter by literally saying, 'blah blah blah,' then promises not to clutter it up. What irony.

Now, it was just a few decades before Discord declared war on us. I had come down with an awful cold, and you were so scared that somepony might come and poison me- oh, why do I even need to say "somepony"? You were afraid of Discord! I swear, you always overestimated his powers. That draconequus wasn't anything the Elements of Harmony couldn't fix, right?

Every single one of these letters has started by attempting to place it in time against a historical reference point, but without a timeline to go by, that doesn't help the reader any. You know what would actually help here? Giving us Celestia and/or Luna's ages. That would reference every letter against the same point in time and greatly help with untangling this mess that's somehow supposed to be a coherent history.

At first, Luna's overprotectiveness prevents Celestia from getting much-needed rest. She yells at doctors trying to check up on Ce-Ce, she badgers Ce-Ce incessantly herself, and she gets gets annoyed at the doctors who do check on Ce-Ce, but say she needs rest. Cute.

Did you really think that any assassin would be so bold or so stupid as to climb through or come near the window? Well, certainly there were some, but they were all easily disabled. You seemed to have forgotten our training in Disarming, one that we both passed with flying colors.

What? If there are assassins coming in the window, then they're obviously something worth worrying about!

Luna eventually leaves long enough for Ce-Ce to get some shut-eye, but she doesn't sleep well thanks to a nightmare about some war that still doesn't mean anything to me despite having been mentioned a few times. She comes back with a music box, and there's a pointless scene where they name it a 'music box.' The tune it plays is based on a lullaby their mother liked, so they call the tune 'Noxia's Melody.'

That's an odd name to say the least. 'Noxia' means 'noxious,' similar to the way that 'Sombra' means 'shadow.' It sounds like a villain's name. Wait. Is Sombra Celestia's father? That would certainly explain a lot.

The conversation shifts again, and Luna compares silence to the sound of death that's not coming. They then ponder what the sound of death actually coming might sound like, and Luna imparts these words of wisdom:

"If you ever, ever hear death coming, and it scares you, remember who's waiting for you to join them."

Ah yes, the age-old trope that your death is not a thing to be feared, but embraced, because it will reunite you with your family/friends/loved ones/pets/money/missing keys/random bugs you've stepped on/Justin Braybur's music career/that banana you'd forgotten in the back of the fridge until it started to smell/etc. Excuse me. I need to go blow my muzzle. It's clogged with liquid sarcasm.

Discord's brought up again and we actually get a reason for his turn to the dark side.

Turned cruel by years of twisted thinking and chaos surrounding both sides of the battle, he could make you laugh as you were being physically tormented.

I think this means that he turned evil because he was exposed to the horrors of war? He's no mind reader, so I doubt that 'twisted thinking' would effect him in any way, unless that passage wasn't meant to be taken literally. It could use some further elaboration, but it's a vast improvement over the nothing whatsoever that we usually get.

This letter does indeed end on a sappy note with Celestia gushing about how much she loves her sister, but it also highlights the error I noted when Luna was first introduced. Since she started in an already reformed state, there's nothing for this story to actually work towards.

After she sends the letter, there's an abrupt shift back towards Prince Storm and the gala dress. Before he can bore us again, the castle spontaneously self-destructs. No, seriously, it does.

A loud noise similar to a bone being broken resounded across the room, coming from seemingly nowhere.

Prince Storm looked up at the ceiling, then around the room. "What was that?"

The noise came back, louder and longer this time.

In fact, it didn't stop.

The ceiling caved in, prompting Celestia to panic. She began screaming for everypony to get out of the castle, teleported outside, and began using a very sensitive spell to locate and teleport any ponies inside the castle as it once again broke.

I do agree with this story; that did seemingly come from nowhere! Celestia's mass teleport ability is also seemingly massively overpowered. Is that how she wins wars? Thanks to her quick action and a decently sized plot shield, nopony was killed, though several sustained injuries. She orders ponies to search the rubble for their own belongings before abandoning the place for good.

I guess Celestia was the only pony who actually lived in the castle because there's no mention of erecting temporary structures. Rosemary refuses to let Celestia crash at her place on the grounds that she doesn't want Celestia to worry about her. Rosemary suffers from nightmares and feels like she could drop dead at any moment. I don't know about you, but those sound like very good reasons to worry about her regardless of proximity. Instead, Celestia crashes at a hotel near where May Flower works.

That brings this chapter to a close, and overall, it's a slight improvement over the rest. Sure, it still has plenty of rough parts, but they were mostly yarn-worthy and not rage inducing. The part of this chapter that works the best is the sappiness at the end of Celestia's letter. That was the first time that we've seen her get emotional and show us how much she misses her sister's company. Elsewhere, Luna's absence was simply treated as an excuse to act snappy and I got the feeling that what she really missed wasn't her sister, but rather a pony to torment and fob her royal duties on. It's not even all that abrupt of a change since it flows well from the childhood memory that she'd chosen to recall. That's how this story should have been structured all along: the childhood memory should contain a lesson which leads to character development and growth.

Well, there's one chapter left before this story cuts off for good, so let's see if it can manage to not break its face by tripping on its own tail. Spoiler: it can't.

Chapter Seven: Remember When You Burned Our House Down? • 26th December, 2014 • 4,320 words

Like the previous chapter, this was also a reader suggestion. There's nothing wrong with that; it's the constant begging for ideas that irritates me.

The chapter starts off with a classic 'where are we, and what did we do last night?' moment. Celestia awakes to find that she, Prince Storm, and May Flower had all passed out around a pool table. She awakens the prince and gets a brief explanation.

"Uh... you invited me over, I brought some friends, we did some tasting, you didn't want to make Rosemary go bankrupt so we drank from the cider they were about to throw out..."

Does Rosemary know she's paying for this? It sounds like they thew a party. Given the timing, this is woefully inappropriate. Lolzors, my castle collapsed and hurt a lot of ponies. Woot! Let's celebrate! No. Just, no.

A shrill scream from another room soon led to the answer: Belt Buckle, a stallion of high breeding with a knack for developing new fashions, found himself wearing a golden ring on his horn. The mare wearing the matching ring was Turnip Soup, a gluttonous chef with a real knack for beating ponies senseless with kitchen utensils.

"Oh, yeah! The wedding!" May Flower grinned and clapped her hooves. "They seem so happy together!"

May Flower berates Celestia for serving fermented cider despite the fact she also drank it. If she knew how to test for it, then why would she do that, especially if she claimed she didn't want to be included?

Rosemary does know she's paying for this, as the gathering was her idea, I guess? Except, Celestia told them to bill somepony else?

You said you were paying for it, but I think I might've had them put the bill on Silk Hat because I didn't want to buy him a wedding present...

Celestia must have an iron grip on her nation if she can freely reach into other ponies' pockets like that. What a crappy wedding present.

Starswirl the Bearded shows up and he and Rosemary get into a fight because they hate each other, for some reason. Come to think of it, there's an awful lot of hostility in this story. Whenever we see two characters meet for the first time, there's a very high chance for violence, arguing, or general enmity. Have we slipped back to the pre-unification era where ponies go at each others' throats over things as trivial as race? This story's not quite that bad, but there are too many conflicts for my liking. They just feel forced at this point.

Starswirl has Luna's letter, which he found in the ruins of the old castle. He keeps it for analysis on the grounds that it could be dangerous since it came from the moon. Celestia threatens to put his head on a stake if he damages it.

I already complained about the last time she threatened to kill somepony, but here her threat is empty because there aren't any pony heads on stakes and I doubt she'd start with him over something so trivial. At least, I'm pretty sure there aren't. There could be piles of them cluttering up the floor and we'd never know because the scenery is never described. Seriously, this scene is about ninety percent dialog, and the few phrases that aren't mostly consist of body language.

Celestia then talks with a different servant about building a new castle. The only stated requirement is that she wants a place that's able to expand as the population does. She rejects an open field, as it would be too hard to fortify, and instead decides to carve the new castle into the side of a mountain.

Seriously? That's the exact opposite of expandable since it's literally carved in stone! On top of that, the construction project would be excessively expensive. They'd have to build a road to the construction site, erect camps for the workers, blast out the side of the mountain, construct scaffolding, erect a system of lifts and pulleys to help move the heavy stones around, and all kind of other things. Such a project would likely take years to complete.

The snow white princess was now a light shade of green. "Do we even have this much money left in the treasury?"

"Just barely. Of course, that would be for a castle of similar size as the old one. If we were to create a smaller one... well, it's still expensive, but not as bad." The mare pulled the paper from under Celestia's muzzle and circled a smaller number with black ink. She then gave it back to Celestia. "That's including the basics for a city as well as a castle."

"We might as well. When will it be finished?"

"If we start today, the castle will be built in a week... oh, wait, in mare-hours. In terms of a realistic workday... three or four weeks. The castle won't be furnished, of course."

Sure... throw in a city too. Because, why not? Keep in mind that these are the same ponies who couldn't fix the castle that just collapsed, and they're now building all of Canterlot in under a month. Can you go back to that open field idea? That sounds safer.

Starswirl comes back and attacks one of Celestia's guards with his powers of Kung-fu. Well, that's certainly an original take on Starswirl's character. I'll give it that.

He says the letter's safe, but teases Celestia with a game of keep-away. The both of them act very childish. Well, she manages to grab the letter and sends him off so that she can read it in private.

As the chapter title suggests, this story will involve pyromania. Like most sentient beings, ponies have long since conquered their fear of fire, and have tamed it for use in many practical applications. Even foals are fascinated by fire, and will often poke and prod at open flames to see what they can get to burn. That does not make fire safe, however, as it can rapidly get out of control. Anypony who's around when this happens is in for a sobering, formative moment.

Dear Celestia,

I don't particularly feel like being sappy today. I'm sure you understand.

Understand what? That Luna's an emotionless brick? All she contributes to this story is a just a laugh track and commentary on her letters, and that's really not okay. As I mentioned when she was first introduced, she still hasn't displayed any of the hatred and jealousy that led to her corruption, nor does she feel sorry or even miss her sister. She also doesn't care that she's trapped on the moon with the nebulous 'nightmare forces.' She's bored, and you know what? That's an emotion I can empathize with.

This is probably the earliest memory thus far, as it happens before they met Discord and that war that still means nothing to me hasn't started yet. They're living in a wooden cabin with a thatch roof and the door's made from dried wheat stalks. That sounds excessively flammable.

Hey, we do actually get an age, as Luna's six. Huzzah! Their parents are out on a date, so both of them are home alone.

Now, you were quite the little pyromaniac. You had a strange fascination with burning things. You would take two sticks, rub them together at a furious pace and begin lighting things on fire. The ring of dirt around the cottage stood as testimony for your love of flames.

Dragging me along, you decided to leave the house and visit the pristine meadow behind it, with one purpose and one purpose alone in your mind:

Burn everything.

Um, what? I don't have a problem with Celestia liking to burn stuff, but that's excessive. If she's already burned all the foliage around the house, shouldn't she already be aware of the fact that fire has a tendency to spread?

Celestia goes to the grassy meadow and lights it on fire. No surprise, the flames spread. They barely outrun the wildfire on their way back home. Thankfully, the fires are stopped by that dirt ring around the house. This should have been the end of this story, but since the chapter's not called 'Remember When You Started a Wildfire?' Celestia has to go and make things worse.

But, as you did this, you were being so... honestly, I can't even describe it. Did your brains fall out as you flew away or something?

You, the intelligent big sister with a knack for magic and lectures, the little filly whose hoofwriting was far superior to her parents', the soon-to-be princess/military leader, ripped the wheat stalks form the top of the door and places [sic] them all in a neat line that stopped just a few centimeters or so from our house.

Thank you for doing my job, Luna. With fire raging on all sides, and the house now on fire too, there's really no escape from that situation and they should both burn to death. However, escape they do, because Celestia climbs a pile of rocks and runs through smoke. Uh, what? I've no idea how that was supposed to make sense.

I have to say, Celestia didn't just hold the idiot ball here; she gave herself a full-body enema with one.

Luckily for us, [our parents] were just getting done with swimming and noticed us from a hundred meters away. You screamed to them a poorly-worded story about what happened, and if I remember correctly, you tried to pin some of the blame on me.

...a task made easy by the fact that her entire body is an ass.

There is something I must tell you before I end this letter: The nightmare forces have lost their will to patrol, or so it seems. I have the distinct feeling that I will be with you sooner than you thought.

Luna ends her letter on that note, so it sounds as if something might be happening soon. I guess the story finally realized that it wasn't possible for Luna to undergo character development, so if it wants to have a plot it will have to do something else.

Starswirl suspects that something's up, so he goes back to the ruined castle and searches the library. After spending hours helping to restore damaged and burned books, he eventually finds the spellbook that Celestia used.

Side effects of any and all of these spells including aging reversal, accidental re-corruption, inability to speak, difficulty in adapting to anything new, memory loss, susceptible to mind control and socially awkward behavior. This is not, I repeat, this is not a complete list. As more and more ponies try to use these spells, the more side effects are being discovered and the more warnings I have had to add to whatever books I can get my hooves on. This book is an incredibly dangerous thing, and you must be very careful. If something or somepony Is [sic] holding the banished one captive, they will start to lose their will to guard. Do not, under any circumstances, advise the banished to escape upon seeing this. I have only heard that this happens, and I don't know of anypony who tried to escape early, but do not do it!

Well, that came out of nowhere. Celestia is once again made to look like an idiot because she didn't read the warnings. Though honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if she had. She had no other option, so she would have gone through with it anyway. Actually, this whole warning could have been included back in chapter one to help build tension. Instead, it's yet another detail that should have been obvious at first glance but we don't get until way late.

The author's note this time is about begging for a review in ALL-CAPS. Well guess what? YOU'RE IN LUCK.

Now that this story's over, I'd like to step back and remind everyone how it was structured. There were two main pieces, with the larger frame story serving as a vessel for delivering a childhood memories each and every chapter. Overall, the frame story failed at its intended goal, and wound up being more bland than anything else. Sure things happened, but they either dragged on and felt like they weren't going anywhere (Prince Storm and the Gala dress, Rosemary's still dying), or they were sudden, abrupt, and forced. Celestia's mean streak ended for no apparent reason. Philomena conveniently appeared so that Celestia could have a pet phoenix. The castle spontaneously self-destructed to force them to move out and build Canterlot. That bit with May Flower and her cooking aspirations could have worked if it was set up and foreshadowed properly, but every step of that subplot felt like it came out of nowhere.

Can this story still work with a bad frame story? Yes, it can. Obviously, it would be better if the frame story was good, but the real meat of this story lies in the childhood memories. Nobody came into this to see what kind of toy Celestia made for Terra Cotta's unborn foal. They wanted to see Ce-Ce and Lu-Lu acting adorable. Thankfully, the letters are this story's strong part, though that's like saying that a less fuzzy slice of bread is the best part of a moldy loaf. Of the six memories presented, only the ones about the 'pregnancy' and the illness were any good. The Discord story suffered from bad characterization. The Robbing Hood one was creepy and disturbing. The running away one was outright confusing, and the burning the house down story was just plain stupid.

How do i feel about this?

Yes, I am most definitely annoyed. I think I've ranted about this long enough. Time for the awards!

The Reader's Bane Award

This meets points 2, 3, 4 and 6.

2. Without any actual redemption to work towards, the plot is basically non-existent.

3. While the original/adapted characters aren't stus, I found them bland and they're odd in nonsensical ways. Roesmary never acts as old or as ill as the story claims she is, May Flower's character design doesn't match her professed talent, Prince Storm has an unhealthy obsession with getting Celestia into a Gala dress, and Starswirl apparently went on vacation to Kung-fu Panda Land.

4. I don't think the Everfree Forest exists in this story. It's hard to tell, but since Celestia was the only pony living in the castle itself, and there's a fully functioning town outside, I have to assume that area is clear. What really breaks this story from canon, though, is the fact that it turned Nightmare Moon into a blob of nebulous nightmare forces. If it wanted to use a villain like that, it could have just picked Sombra. Celestia is also far too self-important, greedy and cruel to even be able to use the Elements of Harmony anyway.

6. While it's true that younger forms of characters should act differently, they still need to behave in a way that's consistent with their base personalities and fits their current age and time period/circumstances. Watching Celestia tear apart a library, punch ponies in the face, and generally act like a spoiled tyrant brat makes about as much sense as turning filly Pinkie Pie into a sailor mouth while filly Applejack derives calculus equations.

Drama Devoid

This is a sad story with no actual sad content. That's something of a feat since it's based on the premise that Celestia's sad about having banished her sister to the moon. However, she only ever acted sad once, and that scene didn't last long enough to make an impression.

Honest Attempt Medal

While most of the story fell flat, it still put in a good effort. It could have worked with better logic, more attention to detail, and a stricter adherence to canon characterization.

Unfortunate Letdown Medal

What I expected to see was a series of cute and meaningful childhood memories slowly and inexorably bringing Nightmare Moon back from the brink of madness and causing Luna to gradually reemerge. What I got was a series of prank wars and Tyrant Celestia being a bitch.

Research Failure Award

No, castles do not spontaneously self-destruct with no warning whatsoever, and Canterlot cannot be built in a month.

Good Sport Ribbon • Attention Whorse Medal

A review was requested so many times, and in so many places, that I think both of these medals are appropriate.

Trophy

This story suffers from such an excessive lack of detail that important information which should have been obvious at first glance doesn't appear until several chapters later, if at all.

Shoddy Script Award

I've already covered this, but here's the award too.

Conspicuous Contrivances Award

"Well that came out of nowhere" is very much a common theme throughout the entire story.

Faith Failure Award

A 19-1 rating is not worth complaining about, but what bothers me is that the author asked her audience if the story had any problems, and the few people who responded didn't see anything wrong with it. How about almost everything?

Train Wreck In Motion Award

I have to admit that after the third chapter, I knew full well that this story wasn't going to go anywhere. Yet I continued anyway, possibly due to some actual decent moments, or possibly to see how bad it could get. I'm not really sure at this point, but I'm glad it's over.

Logical Languish Award

This is mostly for that burning the house down chapter, though logic also fell out the window when that mugger expressed his desire to build a house for dead bodies, and they invited him home to sleep with them. Seriously now, what the fuck was that?

Since the author kept asking for ideas, I might as well give one. How about this?

Delete Nightmare Moon entirely, flat-out replace Celestia with Gilda, and play the whole thing for laughs. It's scary just how little would actually have to be changed. Heck, I'll even write up a new description:

When a prank goes horribly wrong, Sun Princess Gilda accidentally banishes Luna to the moon.

Bereft of her adoptive sister to torment and fob her royal duties on, Gilda turns to moping around in the library as a way to cope. Well, when she's not tearing the place apart, that is. But one day, she stumbles upon a book that could change Luna's fate. All it requires is sending vivid stories, all comprised of cherished childhood memories.

The catch? This spell is based upon reformation magic, and the banishment won't end until both parties have forgiven each other and amended the errors of their ways. Can Luna set aside the hatred and jealousy rooted deep in her heart? Is Gilda willing to reform her tyrannical ways for the sake of her sister? If they can't work things out, Luna could remain banished forever.

Now that's a story I would like to read.

Rage Review: MLP: FIM -- Off The Record

Greetings, everypony. I hope that you're not going to be doing any flying, heavy lifting, or magic anytime soon because I've got a drinking game for you. I call it:  My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic -- Off The Record by The King of Hearts.

Sorry about the tiny text, but as you can see from the screenshot, this story is absolutely massive. It spans 153 chapters, tops out at

384,281 words, and it's still being actively updated. It also has a massive view count, and a mostly-positive rating of 1,437 to 242. So what is it that's got people so worked up?

A story about a human who goes to Equestria, becomes an alicorn, and romances Rainbow Dash.

Well, it's time to fill up that glass. We here are at Rage Reviews are not kind to these types of stories. In general, they mangle canon, have horrible, lazy writing, and exist for the sole purpose of propping up a terrible, Gary Stu self-insert. But this story? It could be a diamond in the rough. 1,437 people seem to think so, and hey, it could happen.

More likely, though, is that the 242 dissenters are the only ones with good taste. Yes, I'm biased, but if this story defies expectations and gives us something actually worth reading, then I'm willing pour out my glass, forget about this 'drinking game,' and let bygones be bygones. Until such a point comes to pass, here's how this is going to work: whenever I see a HiE cliche, or a grievous error, I'm going to take a drink. Let's get started, shall we?

Drink 1: This story is missing the 'Human' tag. That's actually a reportable offense, as the tag is required regardless of whether or not the human becomes a pony.

The story's long description is a short scene with someone named 'Alex' engaging in witty banter with an unnamed princess about altering fate. It's all very "mysterious" because almost no real detail is provided, just vague spoilers and a promise of a late-term conflict. It suffers from bad dialog punctuation, and it's awkward trying to picture facial expressions on faces that aren't identified or otherwise described, but it does gives us enough information to get enticed and reads like a short prologue. Then comes the 'general' description.

Basically, a guy goes to Equestria to episode 1 of the series, and he changes the whole playout of the series, adding a bunch of side stories and different paths for some characters to take.

And, he's an alicorn OC.

Yeah yeah, I get it.

Off you run and cry about it. I've heard about it twelve million times. Literally. Not Hyperbolically.

If you insist on calling him a Gary Stu, and a self-insert, I'll assume you're flirting with me, and calling me perfect, like a Gary Stu can be.

So unless you plan on taking me out, and maybe getting some wine in me, don't go calling me perfect.

Thanks!

Drink 2: The author is talking down to his audience.

Sorry dude, but Gary Stus are not synonymous with perfection. They are deeply flawed literary constructs whose mere presence can damage and destroy what may have otherwise been an adequate story.

The first chapter is uncreatively (and incorrectly) named Prologue, and measures a whopping 20k words. For reference, this story was published shortly after the end of Season Two.

It begins with an author's note reiterating the general description but in bold text and with bad grammar.

First, this story is going to be a retelling of the key parts of the series,; however, some things may be slightly changed to accommodate the story. Please don't blast me for getting things wrong, or out of place. You can safely assume they're wrong for a reason.

Second, this IS an Alicorn OC story with with a romance between Rainbow Dash and the OC. I know this kind of thing is generic, and overdone, but i I like to parody it's its use quite a bit within the story. So, please don't complain when it comes along.

But if you do complain... be warned! I. Will. Cry.

Savage tears, drool, boogers, oh man., You you have no idea. You know that face babies get when they cry? All scrunched up and beet red? That is my face. But i'm I'm a grown man., And and it's starting to happen just thinking about your complaints. Okay, we need to move on before I lose my cool.

Anyway!

Enjoy!

S-M

Well, I don't think this is quite drink-worthy, because while he's trying to stave off criticism, he's also promising us good humor and that description of the angry baby-face is great. Who doesn't want to beat the concept of a HiE alicorn OC into the ground with a fury-powered jackhammer? I know I do.

It was a quiet night in late March, the sky was clearer than it had been in days. The only noise besides the distant sounds of city life was the wind blowing through the grass, and a wind chime that could be heard some distance away. The sun had only set a few minutes ago, but to Alex, it had felt like a lifetime ago.

Drink 3: The story begins with a weather report.

As Princess of Edits continually informs us, the verb 'to be' is boring, and it's a bad idea to use that in the first sentence, though not quite as bad as its being a comma splice. Ouch. It's also bad to talk about the weather, as that tries to connect the audience with the scenery, and not the characters.

My advice to anyone who starts a story with a bland weather report is this:

Hold down the delete key and remove everything until the first sentence where a character performs an action. Integrate the setting as added detail alongside the action from there. That'll give the story a much stronger opening.

The very next paragraph has Alex angsting over something related to his father's absence. It tells us that he's trying to fight back the tears, then goes on to say that he doesn't care how freely they run. Consistency? Nah. That is an obvious error, and a sign that this chapter likely hasn't been edited. I'm going to have to refill my glass.

Alex was your typical only-child, with brown hair, blue eyes, he was smart, athletic, and getting ready to graduate in a few short months, he had never been the most popular guy in school, but hadn't ever been the least popular one either, which, to be honest, was the way he had always preferred it. All over, he was pretty generic. Generic, generic, generic.

The words 'smart' and 'athletic' imply that he's above average, which runs contradictory to the terms 'typical' and 'generic.' Story, we need to talk. I'm giving you the evil eye right now. You used the word 'generic' four times in a row, and it does not mean what you think it does. It is not a valid character description. What you are trying to do is forcibly create a sense of modesty, but what I see is a giant red flag. One thing I've noticed is that upon creating a character like myself, is that it's very tempting to slip in useless words like 'average' and 'ordinary'.

Why? Because we are social creatures at heart, and there's no bigger group one can belong to than the enigmatic 'average' demographic. Everyone wants to believe that there are others like themselves, and by creating a character just like that, then the word 'average' does indeed apply to the narrow focus of the author and the OC. It's only the third paragraph and I hate to have to do this, but...

Drink 4: Self-insert confirmed.

I might be jumping to conclusions, but this looks like pretty strong evidence to me. By the way, if anyone does start a story and feels tempted to tack the word 'average' onto an OC description, then it's best to stop and ask yourself just who that character is average with. If the answer is 'yourself,' then it's best to alter the character until you feel as if the word 'average' no longer applies.

This isn't a death knell for this story, but it is a bad sign. Self-inserts can still work if the author is willing to bring along his/her flaws. The real killer would be going on to make the self-insert into a Gary Stu, and that hasn't happened yet.

We learn his girlfriend has broken up with him, and the story jumps into a flashback. This dude is just in high school and has his own car? What the heck? That's a huge privilege! See what I mean about improper use of the word 'generic?' Anyway, because he's bummed by the loss of his girlfriend, he drives out to a bar diner to drown his sorrow in beer coke, and abuse a sympathetic ear from the bartender waitress. Got to keep this legal, I guess.

His ex is there, and she's hanging out with a popular football jockey who dumped his own girlfriend to be with her. This is a transparent attempt for sympathy, and it neatly shifts the blame of their breakup away from him. Sorry, but my heartstrings were forged in the fires of Mordor, and they're not going to bend from such an obvious ploy.

He makes it home without killing himself, and takes a nap. He's awakened by the doorbell, and it's a police officer who's there to deliver the news that Alex's parents were killed in a car accident.

This might seem like another ploy for sympathy, but I can see what's really going on. Since it's inevitable that Alex will wind up in Equestria, this story is simply severing his ties to the human world so that he'll have no reason to want to come back. Speaking of which...

Drink 5: Alex runs off into the woods and sticks hand into the first brightly-glowing thing that he can find.

Looking quickly, Alex felt his pulse quicken as he realized that his arm was inside of it.

"Nope nope nope nope!" Alex said immediately.

My general reaction to this story thus far.

The glowing thing eats him, and sadly for ambient light-source vore fetishists, that was just a figure of speech.

Drink 6: Alex passes out—

Drink 7: —and wakes up in the Everfree Forest—

Drink 8: —as an alicorn.

Yeesh. Way to lay those cliches on thick, there.

Alex felt his world slowly coming back to him. He was lying on something soft… Grass. It smelled great, and felt great. He smiled and pressed his face into it after a few moments of this, he stopped. Why was he sleeping on grass? He slowly opened his eyes to investigate what was going on around him. What he saw almost made him pass out again.

Looking around, everything was the same... style, if that were an appropriate word.  The world offered a severe lack of variety in the colors, it was like ninety-percent of shades had been blocked from his vision, making most objects have a single, uniform color to it. A tree trunk was solid brown, while the sky was a solid purple.

Badly formed sentences like the ones I've bolded are yet more proof that this chapter requires editing. Rough drafts are great and all, but don't publish them!

Anyway, this version of Equestria is described as 'animated' and I have to shake my head at the thought of his winding up in the cartoon. In addition to damaging the fourth wall, this is also an open invitation for lame visual gags.

“Well, either I’m dreaming, or I’ve completely lost it” Alex muttered to himself. “I'm probably just dreaming”

Actually, what he lost was his dialog punctuation. Tsk. Tsk. The 'I'm crazy/dreaming' thing is cliche, but I'll avoid drinking to that as it's also a natural reaction.

Drink 9: Alex freaks out when he sees that he has hooves instead of hands.

Yes, a freak-out session is well in order, but I take issue with the fact that he wasn't even aware of his transformation until his eyeballs pointed that out to him. That's kind-of a hard thing to miss!

The body has a sense of self, or self-awareness, so to speak. You know where your limbs are, what shape your body is, and what your various limbs are doing. That remains true even if you close your eyes. As a pony, the body has a much different structure. The limbs are in different places, and have different shapes. The chest moves differently while breathing. The placement of the heart and the way it feels when it beats is different. The shape of the mouth, size and placement of the teeth, texture of the tongue, and taste in the mouth is different. When humans hear sounds, they turn their heads. Ponies swivel our ears first. Our eyes are much larger and have more peripheral vision. Altogether, the very manner in which we perceive the world is fundamentally different.

But no, Alex doesn't notice ANY of that until he puts a hoof in front of his face.

White coat, black mane... why couldn't he have had a black coat with a red mane? Imagine how badass he would be if THAT was his color scheme! Oh well!

He had wings too.

"Did I really need both?" Alex muttered, turning and inspecting his other wing, which was completely white, "At least that makes up for not being red and black!"

Drink 10: Even the humor is cliche.

Well, this isn't the most grievous of sins, but it does show just how oversaturated this genre has become. Even the parodies have their own specific formula in which they poke fun at the most obvious of cliches, and have themselves become cliche. The main issue with the humor here is that it comes at the expense of the fourth wall. At this point in the story, there's no reason for Alex to be aware of the fact that ponies come in different colors, and which body parts they usually have.

The other thing about these jokes is that the story is showing us that it's 'genre savvy.' By highlighting the most common pitfalls, it's promising us that it knows how to avoid them. So far, it hasn't done a good job.

So, what did this make him? A pega-corn? A uni-sus? Jesus, those names were stupid.

You know what's also stupid? A human pony named Alex. Hey, it's far more common than it has any right to be.

Alex gets up and goes for a walk. His ultimate goal being Canterlot, as he arrived in a patch of grass and could see it through the break in the trees. He praises himself on his woodsmanship, which honestly makes no sense as knowledge of what's edible to humans means nothing now that he's a magical pony, and you don't need much in the way of survival skills to locate running water. On top of that, his navigational skills are really being put to the test by a convenient path pointed in the exact direction that he wants to go. /sarcasm

Alex was cut off from his thoughts when he heard screaming and a roar pierce the absolute silence of the forest.  The screaming had been far off, but not so far that he couldn't get the direction is had come from.

Taking a deep breath, he started walking in that direction, slowly picking up his pace, while still making sure to avoid tripping and hurting himself. Once he found a rather clear path, he started to move faster and faster, trusting his new instincts, until he reached a speed he was happy with. He was amazed to see how little effect on his body his running was having. He was moving faster than he ever had before, and it was barely fazing him.

Drink 11: Alex displays an amazing degree of coordination for someone who just turned into a pony.

I'll give this story credit where it's due: it draws the line at flying and he hasn't attempted any magic. However, it made a plot point of him being confused with his new body when he first arrived, so moving around should not be this easy for him. Take a look at this video:

Youtube Video

As it's playing, pay attention to the horse's legs. You'll note that they move differently when he switches from a walk to a trot, and from a trot to a canter. Going full gallop is like a canter but faster, and can reach speeds of around 25 to 30 miles per hour (40 to 48 km/h). Now, image doing that in dark, unfamiliar woods, while having to avoid tree limbs, vines, undergrowth, rocks, and still being under the mistaken impression that your forelegs should have hands. Yeah... no. Alex should be clumsy as hell. Instincts or no, this story isn't letting him adjust properly to his new body simply because it isn't convenient to the plot.

Speaking of which, that scream and roar represents our heroines encountering the manticore. From this point forth, he trails them as they go through their various trials. They stay ahead of him, and he continuously arrives too late to interfere with anything. The narration is kind of confusing because it's generally telly and has poor attention to detail. It's also irritating that this story uses numbers like '5' instead of writing them out like it should. That's just lazy.

After 5 or so minutes he finally arrived at the clearing that had just housed the group of people. Seeing no one around, he figured that they must have headed up the path.

Looking around, he noted that all the light had been restored to the area. It had been such a gradual thing, he didn’t even notice it. Realizing that he didn’t exactly know where those girls had headed off to, he started examining the ground, looking for clues as to where they had gone.

Don't you just love the inconsistency here? He decides they headed up the path, then instantly forgets that and looks for clues as to where they had gone.

Drink 12: This chapter is sorely in need of editing. I think I've shown enough examples of this now. It's time for a drink.

After the dark grove, Alex's next stop is at the river. This story promised some differences from canon, and here the river isn't calm and shallow enough for him to ford on his own. I'm fine with that, as it allows him to meet Steven Magnet and the sea monster's characterization is done well. This deserves to rewarded with a picture of a cute, little filly.

Apple Bloom, why you gotta to be that way?

Alex encounters the bridge next, and despite allowing the girls to cross, the planks start to crumble under his weight. Fatty. A board breaks completely, leaving a large gap that he can't step across.

Alex always considered himself somewhat smart, and this was one of those reaffirming moments, because he knew he’d have to jump the rest of the way across the bridge now. Even if he had been able to jump to the next plank, past the one that had fallen, he knew it would just collapse under the weight of his landing on it.

Actually no, he's not smart at all. It's time for a physics lesson!

Newt Ton's third law of motion: For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. This means that the force exerted on the crumbling plank when he jumps is equal to the force a plank would experience upon his landing on it. Thus, this maneuver is stupid and should send him falling to his death. The only safe way to cross is by flying, or by taking the time to shore up the bridge with lengthwise planks that would span the gap and distribute his weight. He could even secure them in place with vines. If he actually had those survival skills he kept raving about, he'd know how to do that. Sadly, this story is only as intelligent as its self-insert, so Alex jumps across just fine and only has to flap his wings a few times to cover the distance when he comes up a bit short. The story then has the gall to tell us that this didn't count because it wasn't technically flying.

Drink 13: Fuck it, I need a drink.

Alex finally catches up with them just in time for Nightmare Moon to capture Twilight and teleport her to a different part of the building. The girls run inside after her, and Alex spots the place they teleported to and goes a different direction. I guess he found a massive shortcut, because he makes it there almost as soon as the scene starts.

Drink 14: The scene plays out exactly as it does in the episode, but with an OC there to steal the credit.

Alex's contribution to this scene is that he attacks Nightmare Moon and interrupts her return charge after Twilight teleports to the pedestal and tries to activate the Elements of Harmony. His presence there has no impact whatsoever, as the villain get back up and knocks Twilight down with her magic anyway.

Drink 15: The author uses his powers of hindsight after having watched the episode to impart knowledge onto Twilight that she shouldn't have yet.

Twilight looked at him with a confused face, before a light bulb turned on in her head, and she lit up. “You’re the one! The one we were missing this whole time! But… Who are you?” She asked, her eyes wide with curiosity.

Bleh, the telliness of this choreography is sickening, but I'll address that later.

Here, Twilight is attributing significance to the number of crazy ponies that decided to follow her into the Everfree Forest. She knows that there should be seven of them to match the number of Elements of Harmony, but hasn't yet made the logical conclusion that these ponies represent the Elements of Harmony. See the problem?

By putting these words into her mouth, it breaks the fourth wall, makes her sound like the narrator, greatly weakens her character, and props up the self-insert. Who, I might add, is rapidly heading towards Stu territory.

The story resumes copying the episode, and the rest of the girls show up on cue. This is when Twilight has her epiphany, and—

Drink 16: Alex's Element of Harmony is dumb.

“And Alex, who threw himself in harm’s way to protect me when I needed it most, represents the spirit of… selflessness!”

Step aside, Rarity, because you've been replaced with the Element of Better Generosity. Stories with seven elements should be avoided in general, but is it really that hard to come up with something that can stand on its own and isn't exactly synonymous with one that already exists?

Technically, Alex is the sixth element and not the seventh. This is a nice touch as tries to make him seem less special and lets Twilight keep her place as the group's leader. It doesn't work, though, because he's a fucking alicorn!

Alex was surprised to hear himself included in this list of names, realizing that this is what she meant when she said he was ‘the one.’ A part of him was sad that it wasn't more of a 'soul mate' deal. It sure would have been nice to instantly fall in love with one of these horses, wouldn't it have been?

I'm quoting this for future reference. Since the story joked about rushed romance, we'll see how well it does on that front.

Drink 17: The form of Alex's element gem is 'simply' a large diamond. Either this means that he's more special by not having a cutie mark, or it further cements his role as Rarity's replacement. Either way, this deserves a drink.

I'd like to talk symbolism here. Diamonds are valuable, especially large ones. Diamonds are forever, and represent eternal commitment when gifted as a token of love. Diamonds are pure and strong and beautiful. In MLP, diamonds are also Tom.

By using a diamond as Alex's element, he becomes all of these things. This isn't a sin, but this story has thus far lacked any form of foreshadowing outside of beating the audience with a joke hammer. It might be a coincidence since diamonds are often depicted as white that matches his coat color, but it's still a nice touch regardless.

Drink 18: Alex's consciousness has an 'off' switch that the story flips whenever it wants to skip ahead.

Yes, he faints again. This time it's because the use of the Elements of Harmony 'drained' him. That departs from canon, as they're restorative when activated, but the author assured us that any deviations were done for a reason. Here, that reason is because the author is lazy and wants to skip ahead.

There's a short scene where Alex partially wakes up, and overhears Twilight and Celestia talking about how special he is. He conks out again as it's still daylight and the author wants to skip ahead to Luna.

If you think he's been sleeping an awful lot, you're not mistaken. So far:

•He took a nap upon returning home after his girlfriend dumped him.

•He passed out for who-knows-how-long after being devoured by the ambient light-source.

•He passed out long enough for the girls to carry him all the way back to Ponyville.

•He fell asleep again after he wakes up from having passed out and sleeps for several more hours.

By contrast, Twilight and the girls haven't had any sleep in the same time frame, as they stayed up all night partying before the Summer Sun Celebration (or being kept up by said partying in Twilight's case).

He wakes up and finds that Twilight passed out on the floor. Instead of being polite and waking her up, he decides to examine her. Yes, the story acknowledges that this is creepy, and yes, he does it anyway.

Drink 19: Twilight's description is wrong.

She was a purple pony, with a dark purple mane. However, also in her mane, were two different streaks of purple, one that he saw was an indigo shade, and one that was almost pink, but a touch darker. All and all, she was a very purple pony.

Her tail had the same colors as her mane, which he had expected, however, next to her tail; he saw some kind of mark on her side. She had a purple star, similar to the color of the second streak in her hair. And around the star were several smaller white stars.

Her primary mane color (indigo) got swapped with the dark purple streak, and the primary star on her cutie mark is magenta, not purple. There is no subtle purple tint to everything, unless she happens to be under a purple light. This is what happens when one tries to describe a character from memory and doesn't bother to look at a reference.

Drink 20: Twilight's characterization is bland and way off.

The first thing she does upon waking up is accuse him of staring at her butt. Yes, it's true, but Twilight's not one for flirting. She wouldn't care about a minor faux paus, as she was watching him sleep too, ya know. Given the earlier conversation, she should be badgering him about visiting Celestia so they can question him together about his mysterious origin, lack of cutie mark, and alicorn status.

However, in this story she's strangely passive. Yes, she asks questions, but accepts the non-answers he gives without complaint. Instead of pressuring him, she promises to answer his questions and takes the time to praise him for acting as her meat shield. Why does she do that considering her own actions were far riskier and crazier than anything he did? Even Alex should be able to call her out on that, as he watched her charge Nightmare Moon horn-first. But no, the conversation is all about him.

Hell, Twilight even forgot about Celestia's request to see him until he reminded her. That is way out of character as she's not only the most organized pony on the show, but also voted as the mare most likely to jump off a cliff if she thought that Celestia would enjoy the sound she'd make when she went splat at the bottom. She'd never forget a direct order from her mentor (or freak out if she did).

Nope, she's calm, collected, and her voice can easily be confused for that of the narrator.

Leaning his head forward, he flared his wings straight up, sending the blanket straight up into the air. ”Ha!” Alex said triumphantly, proud of his ingenious thinking. He looked over, and saw Twilight giggling at the door, he opened his mouth to say something, but the blanket floated down and covered his face before he could. He sighed dejectedly and sat down on the bed, defeated.

“Here” Twilight said lifting the blanket off his head using her magic. “Normally, we use our mouths to get something off of our backs. Where exactly did you say you were from?” Twilight said becoming more curious at how he couldn’t even perform the most basic of tasks.

“Well, that’s a long story…” Alex said unsure of even where to begin. ”Can I get it all together in my head while we find the princess?” Alex asked slowly.

“Oh! Sure!” Twilight said, not wanting to press anything on him. He was obviously troubled over it. “Come on, let’s go find her.” Twilight said dropping the blanket in a ball on the bed next to Alex, who was still standing on top of it.

If I saw a pony acting like that, I'd assume that he was just being silly. Twilight has no reason to jump to the conclusion that he can't even control his body! What the fuck?

The telling in this entire scene is also so thick that I'm almost willing to commit seppuku with it just to make the pain end.

Drink 21: In addition to having terrible dialog punctuation, every time a character speaks, this story jumps in their head to tell us what they are thinking.

This is terrible, lazy writing. I hate this. I hate it so much that I completely blew up. Yes, I did, in fact, write a story about how bad your stories are, fandom.

Well, I might as well try to explain what bothers me.

Let's start with the omniscient narrator. This is where the narrator knows all thoughts and actions of all characters in the story. This by itself is not a bad thing, but the way it's used here is irritating. Instead of following one character at a time and waiting until a scene break before switching voices, the narration constantly jumps around to whomever's speaking. This isn't so much jarring as it is off-putting. It distances the readers from the characters, and prevents us from becoming immersed in the story.

The whole reason the omniscient narrator even exists is because the story is rife with telling and hardly shows anything. What I consider 'telling' to be is a passage that explains something in a manner that does not engage any of the five primary senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell). I'm going to repeat the above quote, but bold everything that looks like 'telling' to me.

Leaning his head forward, he flared his wings straight up, sending the blanket straight up into the air. ”Ha!” Alex said triumphantly, proud of his ingenious thinking. He looked over, and saw Twilight giggling at the door, he opened his mouth to say something, but the blanket floated down and covered his face before he could. He sighed dejectedly and sat down on the bed, defeated.

“Here” Twilight said lifting the blanket off his head using her magic. “Normally, we use our mouths to get something off of our backs. Where exactly did you say you were from?” Twilight said becoming more curious at how he couldn’t even perform the most basic of tasks.

“Well, that’s a long story…” Alex said unsure of even where to begin. ”Can I get it all together in my head while we find the princess?” Alex asked slowly.

“Oh! Sure!” Twilight said, not wanting to press anything on him. He was obviously troubled over it. “Come on, let’s go find her.” Twilight said dropping the blanket in a ball on the bed next to Alex, who was still standing on top of it.

To maintain immersion, it's better to invoke those senses and show us how the story plays out from the character's perspectives, rather than keeping us detached with little to relate to. To make matters even worse, the telling is frequently redundant, explaining what could easily have been inferred from the actions and dialog. If all of the bold text were deleted, hardly any meaning would be lost, and all of the problems could have been avoided.

After stepping outside, Pinkie Pie accosts him, force-feeds him cake, and zaps him with a joy buzzer. Well, that's Pinkie being Pinkie, all right. She seems decently characterized.

Alex looked into a mirror attached to a building a few feet away, his hair was sticking straight up, the feathers on his wings were skewed in all directions, and to top it all off, a small amount of smoke was rising from the tip of his horn.

‘Just like a cartoon…’ Alex said to himself.

This made him think of something. Shaking his whole body back and forth as if he were a dog drying off, the soot caused by her buzzer flew off in all directions around him.

Drink 22: Oh joy, a lame visual gag. Did you hear that crashing noise? That was the sound of Equestria's financial market collapsing after everypony realized that they shouldn't have been printing the words 'In the Fourth Wall We Trust' on all of their currency.

“Well… Why are there so many girls here?” Alex said plainly.

Twilight looked around, she had noticed this yesterday, when she first arrived in the town. “Well… not all places are like this.” Twilight said slowly. “In my hometown of Canterlot, we have plenty of stallions… This town is just… different. I don’t really know more than that.”

Drink 23: Ponyville randomly has more mares than stallions, as confirmed by Twilight, who doesn't even live there!

They bump into Luna, and not much happens except for them exchanging a few pleasantries. Luna thanks Alex for what he did, and Alex feels odd about casual royalty.

As Alex followed Twilight closely through the crowd, he couldn’t believe that he had just had such a casual encounter with a princess. The royalty in this world was so much more down-to-earth than in his world. Well, except for maybe the one with red hair.

Drink 24: Bad reference is bad. Now I'm going to forever wonder just who Alex could possibly be referring to. Princess... Ariel from The Little Mermaid? You can't get much more down to earth than where it's better, where it's wetter, under the sea. Yeah... if you don't want the audience to get lost in their own little world trying to figure it out, it's better to just drop a name.

They bump into Celestia next, and Alex finally explains how he got to Equestria...

Alex thought for a moment then decided where he would start things off, “Well, I’m not from here. I’m from somewhere very… different. Somewhere where I wasn’t a horse- or pony, or whatever.”

One long explanation later.

“And, that’s how I ended up here.” Alex said finally.

Drink 25: ...in the laziest way possible.

The ponies are just as confused by his arrival as he is, and there's some useless speculation, a lame attempt to justify 'selflessness' as an element of harmony, and when he's invited to ask questions, he asks about finding a way home. They tell him it's possible, but only if he casts the spell himself, and to do that, he'll have to train for years.

Alex felt like the entire world had fallen silent, as a high pitched ringing began sounding in his ears. It was one of those moments where everything stops, and nothing seems to matter in the entire world. He had just felt this way yesterday, when he was told about his parents.

But, something else came to his mind, as he stood frozen in place. This could have been a blessing in disguise.

He had been destroyed by the news of his parents death. His life was more or less going to take a very shitty turn, and he didn't want anything to do with it.

So... maybe this was a good thing. He could spend some time in this world, and completely forget about the magnitude of issues back on earth. He could have a blank slate, and start a new life... this could have been a silver lining.

Drink 26:

So yeah, all of those ties to the human world were clearly severed for the sole sake of his being guilt-free while he vacations in magic, cartoon, horse world.

Drink 27: This is for the 'human must phone home' cliche. It's particularly dumb here since Alex has no reason to return home that we (the audience) are aware of. Thus, his efforts toward this end feel misplaced. Why bother?

Twilight agrees to teach him magic, and Celestia orders everypony to have fun.

“Alright, now that we have everything worked out, let’s say we get back to the party, hmm?” Celestia said to cheers of the crowd, as they all went back to enjoying themselves.

Alex finds Twilight off by herself, and stops to cheer her up because she's feeling nervous about her new teaching job. They then go back to the party and fatten their flanks with cake. After a while, Celestia gathers everypony's attention, and announces that Luna will be raising the moon.

Luna bowed her head in front of the crowd, and her horn started to glow. Then, giving her wings a few powerful flaps, she lifted herself into the air. Raising her head up, she looked up into the sky as the glow around her horn brightened. Everypony watched on in awe as the moon rose from the horizon, moving directly behind Luna. Encompassing her in its light, all anypony could see of her was a silhouette, in front of the large moon behind her.

The crowd cheered as Luna landed on the ground. She looked at the cheering ponies in front of her and blushed again. She hadn’t expected everypony to warm up to her this quickly… Looking through the crowd, she saw an awe-stricken Alex standing next to a giggling Twilight. She winked at him, and then moved away from the crowd rejoining her sister.

Celestia beamed. This had done exactly what she had wanted it to. She wanted Luna to be accepted by the masses as quickly as possible, and she could think of no better way to do this than to have her raising the moon, and watching over the night again as quickly as possible.

The first two paragraphs describe a heartwarming scene where Luna is welcomed back to her duties and accepted by the crowd. The third paragraph then kills the mood by explaining that to us in terms of icy cold political machinations. Was that really necessary?

The party dies down and the princesses leave. On their way out, they have a brief conversation with each other about Rainbow and some historical figure who died trying to protect the Crystal Empire. I think it was supposed to be foreshadowing, but too little information was given for it to actually make any sense.

Back in town, Pinkie gathers the girls together for a private after-party party, and Alex decides that he'd like to guess their names. Supposedly, he's good at remembering such things, and he did hear them back at the castle ruins when Twilight confronted Nightmare Moon. While this is going on, he takes the time to... ogle them? I guess?

The next pony in like was the white unicorn with the purple mane. She was very ladylike, and extremely good looking… In fact, he found himself a little mesmerized by her beauty.

This thought made him pause. He thought she was beautiful? Looking back and forth between all six ponies in front of him, he had to admit, they were all attractive. But why did he think that? These ponies were, well… ponies. Generally, he limited his attractions to his own species... although, he had spent a few seconds looking at Twilight's butt.

Then it hit him, they WERE his species. He WAS a pony. He knew his mind hadn’t been quite right since he was brought here, he had been saying the wrong things, having odd cravings for odd food, and now this. The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Deciding that finding ponies attractive wasn’t the end of the world, he moved on.

Drink 28: This scene exists to remove the xenophobia barrier. However, it's still too early to be accepting of such things. If anything, his discovery that his new body finds horses attractive should be unnerving, and not be dismissed as insignificant. What does he think of human women? Does he still find them attractive too? What about his ex? She may have dumped him, but I doubt she'd appreciate being cast aside in favor of colorful fever dreams. He still doesn't even know if this world is real!

By the way, that bit about saying the wrong words refers to saying things like 'everypony' instead of 'everyone' and 'hay' instead of 'hell.' As part of being in a 'cartoon,' his language is ponified and g-rated. Alex has also shown no craving for any type of food aside from cake, so I don't know what he's referring to there.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy's names were given away, and he already knows Twilight, so he only has to guess three. He gets Applejack and Rarity correct, but can't remember Rainbow Dash, and instead calls her 'Colors.' That makes no sense considering that memories are associative and Rainbow's name almost perfectly matches her appearance. She's the easiest pony to remember next to Pinkie Pie!

Anyway, Rainbow is massively offended, blows her top and storms off. Wow, I know that season one Rainbow Dash is a jerk, but this is over-the-top, even for her. The only real explanation I can think of for this would be if Rainbow Dash was herself attracted to Alex, and hated herself because of it. My hopes of this story actually featuring a well-developed romance are rapidly diminishing. That killed the fun, and everypony except Alex hasn't slept in two days, so they break up to get some rest.

Alex, for once, does not sleep, and instead opts to have a flashback about his parents. I'm not even going to bother going into that, because what follows is about 1.7k words of pure inanity.

Drink 29: Alex's flashback is about his waking up and having breakfast while his parents talk about going to the store.

It's not even written from a first-person perspective, so it reads like footage captured for Equestria's Lamest Human Videos. As cool as it would be, Alex's brain is not actually a secret government surveillance drone. Thus, there's no reason to write out this 'flashback' as if it were an action scene in progress. The whole thing should be greatly condensed. It should drop the trivialities, focus only on the parts important to Alex, and he should let his mind wander some to include other tidbits about his parents that had profound impact on him.

Even as bad as it now, the scene does serve an important role, and that is to show us that Alex is not completely flat and does have some depth of character. A depth to that degree might make Rainbow wonder if he's actually doing anything when he finally penetrates her, but it's still better than nothing, right?

Obligatory character-building completed, he goes back to the tree house and finally meets Spike. The two seem to hit it off, and shake hands.

Alex couldn’t help but be jealous that Spike had actual hands... He was going to miss his right hand a whole lot. It was essentially his girlfriend most nights.

Joking aside, that's a odd thing to think about when looking at a baby dragon.

Alex walked into the room that he had been in previously. Smiling, he walked his way over to the bed, and collapsed on top of it. If today and yesterday were any indicator, life here was going to be insane. Which, really, he couldn't complain about, because along with the insanity, was a measure of fun.

However, if he was going to be able to keep up, he would need his beauty sleep... and a lot of it at that.

He had a feeling this story was only just beginning.

Drink 30: This massive wall of blandness is only the beginning? By the caloric content of hayfries! What have I gotten myself into?

Now that this chapter is over, I'm going to step back and go over a few things. While my review of this chapter was in-depth, any subsequent chapters will be brief. I want to see how the episodes get changed because Alex is around, and I want to see the romance develop. Granted, this whole story is a romance story, so if I really wanted to see how it works out, I'd have to read it all. More likely, though, is that I'll just quit when I get too bored to go on.

Yeah... this story isn't making me mad, but it also isn't holding my attention. For something that's supposed to be a parody, it's not very humorous. Out of nearly 20k worlds, I could count the number of jokes in this chapter on one row of teeth. It's enough for an occasional smile, but most of the time I was simply bored.

If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free to do so. This review has plenty of back seats, and I wouldn't mind the company.

Chapter 2: Magic 101

This chapter lazily takes place 'one week later.' Gotta have an episode every Saturday, right? Alex wakes up and visits Twilight, who is teaching him magic instead of helping Applejack with her chores. (Basically, it replaces the opening scene in Ticket Master.)

It starts off with a history lesson. Apparently, a group of earth ponies learned how to use magic, and their exposure to it caused them all to simultaneously develop bone cancer and they all suffered from weird growths popping out of their skulls. Well, either that or they cast a spell to help them be able to use magic more safely and efficiently. The latter makes more more sense, but the way Twilight explained it... Regardless, that's how unicorns came to be.

The unicorns became racist supremacists, and abused their power over magic to oppress the other races. That is, until a unicorn who'd been deprived of his horn turned against them and cast a spell that turned all the racists into stone. This suddenly dispels all racism, as casting magic without a horn proves that earth ponies and pegasai can do it too. However, without a horn to channel the magic safely, it fried his brain. He, er, then regenerates because he was really The Doctor.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought The Doctor was a non-violent chap. His suicide bombing a bunch of ponies with petrification magic seems a tad out of character.

The regeneration event fooled all of the ponies, including Twilight and Alex, into believing that he'd died. Alex really should have known better because he'd just cracked a Star Wars joke, and the regeneration was really obvious, especially after that name drop. It's hard to believe that a Star Wars fan would have never heard of Dr. Who.

Alex completes two years worth of magic training in two seconds by levitating an apple. I guess he's just a natural at it, because Twilight described magic in terms of invisible hands, and that's an alien concept to ponies, but Alex is a natural born human.

Spike shows up with the Gala tickets. Alex declines on the grounds that he doesn't like dancing. Yeesh, no wonder his old girlfriend dumped him.

There are five drink-worthy events:

Drink 31: Alex gloats about being an alicorn, and not some stinky, inferior earth pony. His attitude offends me, personally. If he keeps this up, it'll be time for 'Alex'-bucking season. Hey, a mare can dream, right?

Drink 32: When The Doctor showed up, this story suddenly became a crossover without the crossover tag. That's okay for a reference or a cameo, but he's listed in the character tags and there's even a later chapter called The Doctor. How did this story pass moderation?

Drink 33: Alex is better at learning magic than Twilight Sparkle.

Drink 34: When Alex declined the Gala ticket, he became morally superior to Twilight's friends. The entire point of that episode was to introduce the character's vices, and by dodging that 'trap,' Alex doesn't have any.

Drink 35: The author once again uses his power of having watched the episode to give Twilight information she shouldn't have yet. She's worried about her friends creating a huge fuss over her extra Gala ticket, despite the fact that she doesn't really know them that well yet and has no reason to believe they'd freak out over it.

Chapters 3-4: The Ticket Master parts 1 and 2

Armed with the power of having watched the episode, Twilight plans to avoid conflict by presenting the extra Gala ticket as a hypothetical situation, and it works, killing all of the conflict. But fear not! For brave Alex shall go off and do his own thing, thus supplanting the entire episode with his own antics.

In part 1, Alex and Spike decide to trail Twilight, because apparently she can't be trusted to go talk to her friends on her own or something.

Twilight chats with Applejack first, and we learn that Big Mac lost a bet with her and has to walk through town while wearing a very painful-sounding frilly pink girdle. I'll admit that was amusing. Also amusing is the fact that nopony else thought it was funny except for Applejack.

Alex and Spike went to the town square, and decide to ask Big Mac if he'd seen Twilight once they spot him. Before they can, a pony loses control of a fully-loaded garbage wagon that weighs a ton. Alex shows off his newly-learned magic skills by stopping the cart, thus preventing Big Mac from getting injured and killing the conflict for the next episode (Applebucking Season) too. Simply stopping the cart wasn't enough for some reason, so Alex tries to levitate it back up the hill. He loses control of his magic, tosses the wagon all the way into the Everfree Forest, and spreads a trail of garbage across the entirety of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash's house got hit the hardest, and the trash didn't just fall through because, uh, cloud physics are weird, I guess.

“I don’t wanna hear it!” Rainbow dash said annoyed, “If you don’t know how to control magic, then don’t use it! Especially when it could get someponies house covered in TRASH!” She shouted at him.    

At this point, Big Macintosh still dressed in his girdle stepped forward. “Now wait one second Rainbow Dash.” He said sternly to her, “Alex was just tryin’ to help me out, if I had been payin’ more attention, none of this would have happened.” He said, trying to take some of the flak off of Alex.

“It’s my fault too!” The owner of the wagon piped up, “I was using an old harness that broke, causing all of this to happen!”

“Yeah!” Spike said, “And I… Uh...” Spike tried to think of a reason it was his fault, but couldn’t find one. “Oh, never mind.” He said kicking a rock on the ground.

Don't you just love the way the whole town jumps in to defend Alex? No? Neither do I.

Part 2 is mostly filler, where Alex and Spike continue to chase after Twilight but keep arriving too late. They finally catch up to her at Dash's trash-covered abode. Upon learning what happened, Twilight praises him, and even Rainbow Dash reluctantly, but silently, praises him too.

Alex tells Twilight the solution that worked in the show, and she returns the tickets without even bothering to ask Dash what she would do at the Gala. Twilight's other friends were suspicious, and they all show up in time to receive their tickets when Celestia writes back.

Eh, I will give credit where it's due. The comedy here was decent and both Pinkie and Spike were characterized well. Applejack was only a little off, as she seemed more mischievous than I'd expect, but it wasn't a huge stretch. There wasn't enough of Fluttershy, Rarity, or Rainbow Dash to judge. Twilight got shat on, though, as the only way the story can make her seem smart is by arming her with knowledge gained from having watched the episode. She's also in the awkward position of being the leader of the group and thus needed to keep the plot moving, but she also has to find ways to praise Alex because this story's really about him.

Speaking of which, the whole 'episode' felt less like it was about Twilight bonding with her friends (including, presumably, Alex) and learning a friendship lesson, and more like it was an ego trip about Alex's 'amazing' progress with magic. Sure, the former still happened, but it was relegated to the background, and felt forced because there was almost no buildup to the conclusion.

Time for some drinks!

Drink 36: After having learned magic for the first time only just that morning, Alex is already using epic-level levitation when he stops the runaway garbage cart.

Drink 37: Alex can do no wrong, because even his mistakes are praiseworthy.

Drink 38: Big Mac: The Chatterbox

Drink 39: Twilight somehow couldn't broach the subject of the Gala ticket to Pinkie without mentioning Alex.

Drink 40: Spike is treated like a native guide to Ponyville despite the fact that both he and Alex have only lived there one week.

Drink 41: Alex spent almost the entire week prior to this point sleeping.

Chapters 5-6: Applebuck Season parts 1 and 2

Part one begins with a poignant reminder of what we're missing out on because Alex killed the conflict. However, it then goes on to play out the stampede scene. With Big Mac as her partner instead of Winona, they screw up, trip the lead cow, and the result is "udder chaos." The cows, I guess, are made out of titanium, because the only one hurt by this disaster is Applejack. With her out of the picture, Big Mac resolves to do all of the harvesting by himself.

In part two, what we get is not Applebuck Season: Big Mac Version, but rather something else. When Alex and Spike go to check on him, he's out cold. He's already done most of the work, so Alex decides to be helpful and finish up what's left. His efforts are futile, though, as no matter how hard he kicks he can't get any apples to fall.

Back in town, Applejack has recovered from her injury enough to help her friends with their tasks. The difference here is that she isn't tired so her efforts are successful. The Doctor is trailing her, and is apparently keeping track of these alterations from the canon storyline. Outside of the story's description, this is the first real hint we've seen of an overreaching conflict. This story is finally going to have a plot! /unimpressed

Back to Alex, his efforts have only managed to make a single leaf fall. This leaf lands on Spike's nose, causing him to sneeze and send the tree to Celestia light the tree on fire. Alex snuffs the fire with clever use of an airtight shield spell, and Spike breaks down because he's worried what others will think of him. Alex takes the time to comfort him, and I must admit that it's nice to see them bonding.

They make a lame attempt to cover up the damage, which doesn't work, but they never had anything to worry about. Applejack isn't mad, and that particular tree was no big loss.

Applejack laughed. “That was the only tree you bucked? Well...” She started, “We call this tree the leg breaker… There’s only one in the whole orchard. She’s stiffer than anything I know. An’ the only way to get her apples, are to climb right up and pick 'em out.”

Alex frowned. “Are you saying that for almost two hours, I bucked the one tree in the ENTIRE orchard that can’t be bucked?”

“ ’Fraid so, Sugarcube.” Applejack said, trying not to laugh.

Alex sighed, then walked over to a tree next to the one he had been trying on. He raised his hind legs, then bucked the trunk. And, of course, the apples fell out.

Amusing.

Despite heavy evidence, I've held off declaring Alex to be the most dreaded of things, the Gary Stu. Here, I'm glad that I did. Sure, he still exhibits symptoms in that direction, but the key difference is that they make sense in context, and that's all that really matters. Alex is already known to be a magic prodigy, so his knowing the shield spell isn't a big stretch. He might already be expressing the sentiment that he loves it here in Equestria, but that happens after he had good fun bonding with Spike and getting bested by a tree. It all worked out in the end, so he has reason to be happy.

Hopefully, this will be a 'turning point' for the story, but I'm still skeptical. I want to see how the romance plays out, and that part of the story hasn't started yet. It's still quite painful to read too, as the constant telling and perspective shifts make it hard to follow. It's gotten to the point where if I see telling, I just skim over it. I shouldn't have to actively avoid what's written to remain immersed in the story. That's just bad.

More drinks!

Drink 42: In part one, Alex starts off feeling tired and wanting to sleep. He's obviously the perfect match for Rainbow Dash, as the two of them will do nothing but sleep constantly.

Drink 43: Oh look: another immersion-breaking meta joke courtesy of Alex:

Alex looked down at the ground, then over to a café table not far away, where he could see a glass of water vibrating. He couldn’t help but laugh at the cliché moment.

Drink 44: The author is so proud of his bad pun ("udder chaos") that he repeats it in bold text in the author's notes. I'm sorry, but it didn't moove me. It's not worth milking like that. In fact, it should be put out to the pasture. Have you herd enough?

Drink 45: After having recently suffered 'multiple fractures' in one of her legs, Applejack still agrees to jump on Rainbow Dash's seesaw contraption. Even with three good legs to land on, that's still going to jostle her bad one. Ouch.

Chapter 7: Griffon the Brush Off

This episode had most of its scenes cut, and we get a much more condensed version. Alex is with Spike when Dash spooks them with a thunderbolt. Spike gets the hiccups and laughs about being pranked, but the whole scene is awkward because Rainbow Dash does not like Alex very much.

The next scene is the one in which Fluttershy is backing into the busy market while leading baby ducks and bumps into Gilda. Naturally, our hero jumps in to the rescue. Rather than letting her yell at Fluttershy, he feels the need to levitate her, magically clamp her beak shut, and call her a pervert. Why does he call her that?

“Oh, it's something I learned in high school," Alex laughed, "Make enough inappropriate jokes about your enemy, and they'll always lay off."

Hey, Alex! You're a bigoted, pompus, weather balloon that's so bloated it can't even solve a 1x1 Sudoku puzzle! Did it work? Is this story gone? Crap. It's still there, isn't it? Well, it was worth a try.

Of course, Dash gets mad because Alex upset her friend. Pinkie, who'd seen the whole thing, sides with Alex and comes up with a plan for a party that would 'out' Gilda for being a meanie. Way to warp Pinkie's personality to suit your needs there, story. It's bad enough that Alex's bullying of Gilda is portrayed as better than what she would have done to Fluttershy (hint: it's not), but Pinkie's now playing favorites by placing Alex's feelings above those of Rainbow Dash (and Gilda too, I suppose). Plus, the whole 'conspiracy party' is needlessly complicated, as she has to get all of the guests except Gilda to avoid the pranks while keeping the whole thing secret from Rainbow Dash.

Well, the party works as planned, and Gilda storms off. Instead of penning a letter to Celestia, they then go on to complain about how unfairly Dash has been treating Alex.

“That’s fine…” Pinkie said, thinking about Alex for a moment. “I already knew she was like that though…”

“What?” Rainbow asked surprised. “How did you know?”

“Well… I saw what happened between her and Alex at the Market,” Pinkie explained, “She was being really mean to Fluttershy! And Alex told her to stop!”

“She was going to start screaming at me…” Fluttershy piped up, “He made her leave me alone…”

“And he only used his magic to protect Fluttershy!” Pinkie added, “Not because he wanted to push Gilda around!”

Taking all of this in, Rainbow Dash realized what she needed to do. “I... should probably go.” She said as she quickly headed out the door.

Rainbow was about to head to the Library to find Alex, but her attention was pulled to a hill a short distance away when she saw the silhouette of somepony in front of the setting sun. And, luckily for her, she could see that this pony had wings and a horn. It was him.

Yay for saidisms... not. I'm pretty sure that Celestia is trolling us by putting the sun there. Joking aside, it's good to see some scenery, even if it is hamfisted.

Having realized the error of her ways, Dash apologizes to Alex and they agree to start over on their relationship. Of course, the first thing he does is make fun of her name, and she responds in kind. Unlike what led up to it, this scene does not feel rushed or forced in any way. They're starting to act like friends, and that's the best possible basis for love.

Just in case we forgot about the inevitable shipping, there's also this:

Narrowing her eyes, she looked him over, almost as if she was checking to see if he was lying somehow. Leaning into within an inch of his face, she looked right in his eyes.

Being this close to her, Alex couldn’t help but notice how good she smelt. She smelt like... roses and vanilla. He always figured she'd smell like, well, a horse? Regardless of that, he couldn't help but notice that this smell seemed to perfectly match her eyes.

Her beautiful pink eyes…

Maybe he should lick her. She probably tastes like cotton candy. I'll let this slide because he's found every pony attractive thus far and the omniscient narrator isn't telling us that Dash finds him attractive yet. It's still too early to tell if this story's on track for slowly building a relationship. Alex's obvious attraction might get in the way if he tries to rush things like what apparently happened with his human girlfriend.

Speaking of her, Alex isn't showing any sign that he actually cared about that relationship. Sure, she broke up with him in a bad way, but that's no excuse for not mentioning her ever again. That hurts Alex's depth of character and makes him appear shallow.

Open the tap!

Drink 46: The chapter begins with a Cupcakes reference, where Pinkie drugs Alex with a pastry.

Drink 47: Alex expresses shock over the fact that Pinkie likes pranks, despite the fact that that's the only thing she's done to him since he arrived. What, exactly, did she drug him with?

Drink 48: So much for ponified curses—Alex mentions 'hell' and swears by the name of Jesus.

Drink 49: Why is it that the self-insert always beats up Gilda? I mean, really.

Drink 50: Why yes, the answer to all of the world's problems is conspiracy parties! Why didn't anypony think of that before? Pure genius!

This next chapter is labeled as an interlude called The Doctor.

Here, we learn of The Doctor's motives and what he knows.

He starts off in Canterlot enjoying the party after the wedding, but then a huge temporal disturbance changes everything. In this new timeline, Discord emerged victorious and turned everypony who could oppose him into stone. The only one he spared was someone he called 'the foreigner.' The Doctor tells the TARDIS to take him back in time to to when the changes began, and he arrives on the night after Nightmare Moon was defeated. He's seen changes since then, but hasn't been able to pin down the source. It's also worth noting that his past self is missing.

Drink 51: The Doctor must be the worst forensics expert ever. How hard is it to miss an extra alicorn walking around town? Alex can't sleep that much, can he? Just to show how stupid this is, I'm pulling a quote from back in chapter one where Alex explained his origin to Celestia:

By the time he was done talking, just about every pony in town was there. They had been standing around him listening as he explained where he had come from, how he was a human, about when he found the bright light, and how he woke up in Equestria. He explained that he had caught on to the girls trail and being able to follow them, then he mentioned the serpent, then the bridge, and eventually, the fight with Nightmare Moon.

He's not exactly trying to hide!

Chapter 9: Hillside

Rainbow Dash and Alex sit on a hill talking to each other, and they both realize that they're hopelessly smitten with each other.

Wow. That was fast. Do you remember when this story joked about rushed relationships? Well, the joke's on us, because that's exactly what happened.

To use a weather analogy, let's compare Dash's prior hostility to a dying cold front. A system like that can provide the impetus needed for tropical development (romance) if it moves into favorable conditions. That takes time, as thunderstorm activity has to organize and persist, the core has to warm, and development can easily be stunted by wind shear, dry air, and cooler sea surface temperatures. Once a tropical system does develop, it can rapidly intensify from there. This story, however, decided to skip a few steps and rapidly intensify the dying cold front directly into a major hurricane. Sure, that's better than pulling a hurricane straight out of clear, blue skies, but it's still not realistic.

Let's open the bar.

Drink 52: Alex jokes about ponies randomly breaking into song and dance despite the fact that he actually hasn't seen that happen yet. The only song thus far was the laughter song and he missed seeing it because he was too busy crashing through the woods.

Drink 53: Dash is already using a pet name for Alex, 'Spot,' and it's a better name than 'Alex.'

Drink 54: We interrupt your regularly scheduled small talk to blast you with the shipping cannon, courtesy of the Death Star.

Blushing slightly, Dash looked up to thank him for the complement, but as soon as she looked into his eyes, she immediately forgot what it was that she was going to say to him.

Alex hated how gorgeous her eyes were. He knew that he could get lost in them, normally he would have looked away, but she was so absorbed in him, that he took the opportunity to absorb himself a little in her.

After a few moments of the two staring at each other, Dash finally started to come back to her senses. Realizing how close together their faces were, she abruptly pulled away and laughed nervously.  “Whoa! Would you look at the time?” She said looking at a drawn on watch on her ankle, “I think we’d better be getting to bed!”

“We?” Alex asked jokingly, knowing full well what she actually meant.

“Wha— N…No!” Dash stammered “It’s just late, and-and… I think we should be heading to our own beds! Because I DEFINATELY don’t want to sleep with you!” Widening her eyes at what she had just said, she stammered on, trying to correct herself. “But- You’re- I’m not saying that b- because I don’t like you or anything! Because- I’m- I’m sure you’d be very nice to sleep with... ugh...”

Drink 55: My initial hunch was correct, as the narrator colorfully informs us that Dash has found Alex attractive all along.

Chapter 10: Boast Busters

Trixie's arrival in town distracts Rainbow Dash and Alex from thinking about each other, and they gather along with the rest of the town. I've been fairly lax about complaining about the lack of detail in this story, but I now have the perfect example to give.

Alex walked into the thick crowd that had gathered in front of a stage that could only have been built within the last few hours.

“Who did this?” Alex asked a pony who was standing beside him.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!” The pony responded excitedly.

“The what-now?” Alex asked confused,

“Shhh!” The pony said to him, “She’s coming!”

Ah yes, this is truly one of the greatest works of literature ever created. Can't you just feel the hustle and bustle of the "thick crowd?" Isn't the excitement of the gender indeterminate pony standing next to him truly palpable? Aren't we awed by such vivid details like that stage which had to have been built within the last few hours? Truly, narrative like this is well-crafted, and completely immerses us in the wonderfully vivid world of black text on a white background. Why I applaud you, story! For this amazing achievement, you deserve a very special award:

Trophy

Aren't you proud?

Anyway, Trixie irritates everypony with her boasting, and requests challengers just like the episode. Applejack can't compete because her leg still hurts, so Rainbow Dash and Rarity step up with predictable results. Alex didn't like seeing his waifu humiliated, so he also challenges Trixie even though he knows he'll probably lose.

Trixie hits on Alex for some reason, uh, I wasn't expecting that. I guess you could say that it happened out of the blue, because she's a blue pony, and she pulled it out of her—okay, sorry, that was bad.

Is this going to be used as an excuse to bring Trixie back again later? I doubt that Trixie would appreciate being used as a third wheel to help prop up the romance between Dash and Alex. Trixie hates wheels. Alex rejects her (duh) and before Trixie can begin humiliating him, Twilight intervenes.

“I’ll face you.” Twilight said, deciding she didn’t care if her friends thought she was a show off, Alex wasn’t ready for this kind of fight. “He’s only a student to magic. I’m his teacher.”

Twilight clearly doesn't care about about worthless noponies like Rarity and Rainbow Dash, but OH NO! NOT HER STUDENT! She's obviously going to abandon her modesty and nonconfrontational attitude for that reason alone. I mean, she's just copying her mentor whom she idolizes' teaching style. Celestia jumps in all the time to shield her student from potential problems, right? What? That never happens? And Twilight has no reason to act like this? Meh, Twilight's characterization in this story is a lost cause, so I guess this is par for the course.

Trixie goes first, and brings literal meaning to the term 'upstage' by levitating the stage. When Twilight goes next, she uses the same magic that overtook her when she earned her cutie mark, except here, she can control it. Trixie is massively humiliated and leaves town.

Uh... if Twilight could do that all along, then why did she even bother with the Elements of Harmony? She could have just turned Nightmare Moon into a potted plant and be done with it.

Ugh. I'm going to call it quits here. This story is beyond boring. Here are the last few drinks before the summary:

Drink 56: This chapter begins by recapping the previous chapter twice.

Drink 57: My hunch that Alex never cared for his human girlfriend has been confirmed, because she's only brought up to downplay his feelings for her, and he doesn't even bother to refer to her by name. Nope, she's just "his ex-girlfriend back on earth."

Drink 58: Spike takes dating advice from a self-admitted virgin.

Drink 59: This chapter ends by recapping the next chapter, whereupon Spike will be shipped with Rarity.

Yes, I know that I'm stopping fairly early in terms of the story's overall length and plot development, but I've read enough of it to get a feel for how things are playing out (about 48k words). Before I move on to the rating and awards, I'd like to discuss a few aspects of this story.

Characterization:

Canon characters in general: They behave reasonably in-character for the roles they play in the story. Mostly, this is just due to the fact that they're following the script for the show, but even when they aren't, they still behave like themselves. Spike as Alex's straight man is a perfect example of this. There is one notable exception to this, though.

Twilight's characterization sucks: It seems a bit odd to have one character stand out, but I think there's a fairly simple reason for this. That's because Twilight herself can be seen as a Mary Sue. However, Alex has usurped this role, even to the point of stealing her sidekick. Thus, this story doesn't know what to do with her. It wants to turn her into a Celestia clone, but she still has to play her part in the episodes. What we get is a strange mishmash that simply doesn't work.

Alex: Since this story's all about him, let's go in depth here. Here's how the narrator described him: athletic, smart, generic, and a nice guy. How does he actually behave? He sleeps all the time, his intelligence is questionable, he's a blank-flank alicorn human in Equestria (about as special as it gets), and he's a reasonably nice guy. Well, it did get one thing right.

His depth as a character is also fairly shallow. His being a human has added noting of note, and gets wasted by throwing away his past life after the first chapter and hardly ever mentioning it again. The only real thing that hasn't been resolved yet is his unwillingness to inform the ponies of his dead parents. That drama bomb hasn't gone off yet.

There was no adjustment period for Alex where he gets used to life as a pony. Thanks to "instinct" he's a 100% perfectly functioning pony and only the "extras" (magic/flight) require any thought. The one or two things that do actually bother him (such as his reluctance to eat "gross" pony food like hay and flowers and his still believing that the world isn't real) are only briefly mentioned but never developed.

Speaking of character development, Alex's only motivation in this story appears to be his wanting to sleep all the time. After the last two chapters, he still wants to sleep all the time, but with Rainbow Dash. Joy. Riveting.

Since I brought her up, let's talk about the romance.

Romance:

To start with, we'll begin with Alex and his human girlfriend. It was never explained what she saw in him, but from Alex's perspective there was no basis for this relationship. He very clearly did not care for her, and all he saw in her was a sack of flesh that his hormones wanted him to have sex with. No wonder she dumped him.

Now let's bring up Rainbow Dash. I understand that we've only just scratched the surface of this 'epic' lifting-of-tail, but what little I've seen raises some red flags. In story terms, Alex has been there for around three weeks, I think? He spent most of his time sleeping, but when he wasn't doing that he was hanging out with Spike, learning magic with Purple Clone, or visiting Sugarcube Corner to indulge his totally-healthy human diet of cake and apples. He never saw Rainbow Dash except to antagonize her further.

Then, in one day: They make up with each other, give each other pet names, become completely smitten with each other, and are already talking about sex. In fact, they're thinking about sex too. So what's left for this relationship? There's (a), confessing those feelings to each other, and (b), acting on them. Oh, and at some point, they might want to stop to get to know each other on the off-chance that they might not actually like each other. Currently, what does Alex see in Rainbow Dash? A colorful sack of flesh that his hormones want him to have sex with. Can you see why I'm nonplussed about this? It would have made far more sense to let them develop a friendship with each other first. As it stands now, the relationship appears to be built on sexual tension, and it's way too early for that.

That's a huge leap for day one, so the only way to keep things moving slowly is to shift focus onto other characters (false pacing) or to create contrivances which get in the way of the romance (Trixie is smitten!). Well, if you like your romance cheesy and hamfisted, this is the story for you. Otherwise... pass.

Is Alex really a Gary Stu?

There are many signs which point to 'yes' here, and it's easy to pull quotes from the story to support them. Yet, there's another, more important measure of stu-dom, and that's the degree to which you want to flay the character alive and slowly eviscerate them upon an open flame.

Personally, I can't see myself wishing more harm on this version of Alex than a few papercuts. So by that measure, no, he's not a Stu. He only avoided this fate for two reasons. First of all, the story isn't entirely about him. It does take the time to develop side characters (mostly Spike so far). Secondly, this story is oddly non-judgmental. It doesn't try to force any opinions down our throat.

Take for example the issue of human/pony superiority. Most HiE stories can't resist taking a stance on that issue and using the story to deliver that message. What do we get from this story?

“There’s no magic in my world, or at least, I don’t think there is… Ponies are just unintelligent animals, people don’t break into song and dance for no reason, there is a LOT more violence in my world than yours, No one is just nice to each other for no reason… Except maybe in Canada…” Alex said, earning a strange look from Dash, he then continued, “Grass is NOT what they eat, people aren’t able to fly, or defy gravity, or make whatever they want happen…”

A joke about Australians.

Well, okay, maybe it is a little judgmental, but it doesn't get on a soap box and lecture us. It also doesn't change the episodes for the sake of improving them or to spotlight Alex. It changes them because Alex's presence causes ripple effects which wind up snowballing. He isn't intentionally trying to change things, and that's the important part.

Technicalities Matter:

This is the real reason I opted to cut the review short. It's simply too arduous to wade through bad writing. I've harped on this stuff already, so I'll summarize here:

• Tag your story correctly! Crossover stories or stories involving humans must have the corresponding tag. (This is an actual Fimfiction site rule.)

• Learn how to punctuate dialog properly.

• There's poor attention to detail. When we don't have enough information to properly picture a scene, we're not going to be immersed in the story.

• There's too much 'telling.' Lay off the informed attributes and show us body language (or describe the feelings) instead of spoon-feeding emotional states.

• The narrator schizophrenically suffers from dissociative identity disorder. Please pick one perspective and stick with it for a whole scene instead of constantly jumping around all the time.

•

Altogether, this story isn't what I'd call a vein-busting, skin-splitting, teeth-rattling, hair-flaming, brimstone-snorting, rage-inducing abomination, but neither is it a good story. At this point, it'd make sense to just slap a 'Meh' rating on this thing and move on, but there's another aspect of this story that I haven't really addressed yet, and that is its overwhelming following. In the time since I took the screenshot, it's grown by 10 likes, and 2 dislikes (I haven't rated the story).

So even in its current state, with its poor writing and bland start, it's still able to attract new followers. I don't really want to disparage people who like this story by claiming that they have bad taste, but what it really boils down to is a matter of bring-your-own-investment. The lazy narrative makes little effort to connect the readers to the story, so if you want to enjoy it, you'd best enjoy the concept.

Still, I applaud those who have dissented, and let that red blob serve as a warning: there are other stories better than this one out there. Since the writing isn't what I'd call good enough to attract followers on its own, this means that the concept of a HiE turned alicorn and Element of Harmony romancing Rainbow Dash (of all ponies) must be popular enough to float the story.

And that is where I break down. Yes, this story has floated to the top, but is that really such an accomplishment when the thing that it floated to the top of is the toilet?

I need drinks. Lots and lots of drinks...

All told, the first ten chapters of this story by themselves are well worthy of 59 drinks from a fine beverage of your choice. (If you didn't choose water, you chose poorly.)

Honest Attempt Medal

This story does have the potential to be something decent, but it needs a lot of polish to get there.

Trophy

Poor attention to detail.

Retread Tag

Almost everything on the author's profile pertains to Off the Record in some way. Heck, he even started a rewrite!

Awkward Romance Award

The story deserves this for Alex and his human girlfriend. While Alex and Rainbow Dash got nuked by the love-at-first-sight trope, they could still theoretically recover from that. I just don't care enough to read on and find out.

Research Failure Award

If the story bothered to check its math, it would have ended in chapter one when Alex tried to jump across that crumbling bridge.

Conspicuous Contrivances Award

Random portal to Equestria, just so happens to be an Element of Harmony, Trixie is randomly smitten, to name a few.

Train Wreck In Motion Award

If I wasn't reading this for the purpose of writing a review, I would have literally stopped at the first paragraph. That's how dull this story is.

"Anthropologist Approved" Stamp

Yes, this is, in fact, a human in Equestria story.

Cliché Collage Trophy

Yes, this is, in fact, a human in Equestria story that has been done to death.

Attention Whorse Medal

Yes, this is, in fact, a self-insert human in Equestria story that has been done to death.

Good Sport Ribbon

Pulled from the requests folder.

Rage Break Medal

I give up.

Rage Review: The Keepers of Discord

A while back, several of the most highly rated stories on Fimfiction were added to our folders for review. The Keepers of Discord is one such story, netting a very impressive ratio of 4277 to 64 at the time I took the screenshot.

For a story to become so well loved, it must do something truly exceptional. It's rare to find a story that resonates so well with the hearts of the general public. However, I believe that no story is without flaws, and I will be only happy to nitpick this thing to death if that's what it truly deserves. Y'all know what that means, right?

Honestly, I just wanted an excuse to use that picture.

So without further ado, let's grab a scalpel and get to dissecting.

You'd think that being trapped in stone would mean that, if nothing else, I could get some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, it seems that Celestia has other ideas.

She has appointed these ponies... these 'Keepers', as she calls them, to keep me entertained during my incarceration.

Honestly? I'd prefer the boredom.

This description is about as informative as the word written on a stop sign. It does indeed tell you what kind of sign it is, but fails to inform you why the sign is even there in the first place. Likewise, this description only really does two things: it introduces the premise, and introduces Discord's voice as the story's narrator. The only actual hint of any deeper drama comes from the bog-standard 'sad' tag. That's one way to avoid spoilers, I guess, so we're going in mostly blind.

FYI: The full-sized version of the cover art is located here. For some reason, the version attached to the story is tiny. I blame the cutie mark gnomes. You can never trust those things.

Chapter 1: Discord · 9th Dec 2012 · 9,626 words

  You would think I had enough troubles, wouldn't you? I was finally free after thousands of years, released from my prison and ready to spread chaos and insanity across the earth, only to be stopped in less than a day by a mere handful of colorful, goody-goody, near-juvenile mares.

  Not only that, but I was once again encased in stone and unable to move, and in an even more uncomfortable and undignified position than the first time. And, not that I had a mirror to check, but I'm pretty sure the expression on my face was ridiculous. At least, judging by the "trying-to-hide-how-funny-I-think-this-is" expressions on all of the little ponies who saw me.

  In addition, I was once again stuck back in the gardens, though this time far away from regular traffic, in a sealed off area where very few ponies would tread. Why, I couldn't even watch the pretty little ponies prance by while I imagined all of the wonderfully chaotic things I would do to them if I were free!

The opener is one of the most important parts of a story, and this one does a smashing job, like a monster truck rolling over the competition, even. Perhaps I have low expectations from all the bland and badly-spelled weather reports that people love to write, but it's nice to see a story that focuses so heavily on characterization. The only thing I find odd is the way that Discord addresses the audience directly with his choice of the word 'you.' In general, that should be avoided as it breaks immersion, but it's only in the first sentence, and it does help establish that this story is told directly from Discord's perspective.

Before moving on, I need to point out an odd formatting choice. Every paragraph is slightly indented with two spaces. On FimFiction, it's a bad idea to indent using spaces due to the fact that the text is justified, meaning that the size of the 'space' character is dynamically adjusted so that the left and right sides of the text neatly line up against the margins. Thus, by indenting with spaces, the indented lines appear uneven.

However, in this story that's not a big deal because the indentions are shallow and the irregularity is hard to see. Still, the paragraphs are also spaced, so it's not like the indentions even serve a purpose. I guess if the author wanted to make the story look slightly chaotic without compromising the overall appearance much, then grats? He succeeded.

So while Discord is complaining, Celesta arrives and brings a gray unicorn with her.

  When I say grey, I don't just mean the color of her coat. I mean that grey is how she appeared to me. Grey and lifeless, completely devoid of anything fun or interesting about her. Her mane, though, was a vibrant red. An irritating red. A red that had no place being in the same vicinity as such a dull creature, let alone being attached to her body.

  Needless to say, I loathed the little thing on sight.

Another important factor for a story is how it handles its descriptions. If I had a word to describe this, it would be: opinionated. More than just color, there's real personality here; we're drawn in to Discord's bias and share his first impression with him. If you happen to be keen on symbolism, take note that 'grey and lifeless' is an apt description for how Discord himself appears to the world in general, given that he's a statue and all.

The descriptions in general are great when Discord has an opinion, but when he doesn't, we're left with basically nothing. If you'd like to know what the garden looks like, there's mention of a hedge and... well, a hedge. Discord simply doesn't care enough about the scenery to describe it. I'm hesitant to call this a 'flaw' per se, but it is a limitation of working in first person. In a way, this makes the reader even more trapped than Discord himself is. We exist only in the back of his mind, and the only things that we experience are those that he's actively thinking about.

The story wastes no time in establishing the premise and conflict.

  Celestia nodded to the unicorn by her side, and I once again turned my attention to the drab little thing. "This is Ember Spark. She's one of the staff here at the castle. And, starting today, she has a new position, one that I have created with you in mind. She is to be the very first Keeper of Discord."

  The who of the what, now? The mare next to Celestia smiled shyly and stepped forward, giving a little bow with her head. Not quite the proper deference for the incarnation of pure chaos, but my injured dignity will take any salve, no matter how paltry.

  "Her position, and those who come after her, will be to maintain and clean your statue and the surrounding area, and... well, to keep you company. She will talk to you, read to you, occasionally arrange to have music brought to you—"

  Oh, no. No. Seriously, no. Anything was better than this! Boredom is better than this! Don't you dare, Celestia!

  "—all in the hopes that you will not be lonely. You are too dangerous to be let free, Discord, but that doesn't mean that I want you to suffer."

  Then why arrange for my torture? Oh, you tyrannical, grim-faced, sour old nag! You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Do you really think that driving me insane will make me less dangerous once I manage to free myself?

  Oh, and I will free myself, I silently fumed while Celestia babbled on. Those Bearers of yours, even your beloved Twilight Sparkle, they won't last forever.

  And once they die? Well. Once they die, the seal will weaken once again. And then I will be free.

I hate to bother with typos, but "Well. Once they die..." should be one sentence, not two.

Anyway, this is a waiting game, where Discord's sanity is to be tested against the persistence of these 'Keepers.' To ensure that this story has some tension, take note of the strict time limit. His second incarceration is going to be much shorter than his first, presuming normal, mortal lifespans.

Taking a step back, I'd like to comment on Celestia's motives. At face value, she's presented as being sorry, remorseful, and her actions are purely altruistic. However, since Discord's escaped once before, it also makes sense that the Keepers should keep an eye on him, looking for any sign that he might do so again. (Celestia wouldn't mention that in front of Discord, of course.) Having read the whole story, I can say that this is not the case. Celestia has no ulterior motive, and she really can be taken at face value. This is a missed opportunity, perhaps.

While the premise of this story currently differs from canon and the AU tag is warranted, it was first published before the start of Season Three (A Canterlot Wedding was the latest aired episode). Back then, no AU tag would have been needed; this is the kind of thing that Celestia would actually do based on what we knew. In fact, Keep Calm and Flutter On probably helped this story by supporting its main premise. In that regard, this story has aged well, despite being invalidated by that same episode.

~~*~~

See this thing? That's the scene divider that the author uses. You'd best get used to it, as it appears a grand total of thirty times, or about once per 321 words. Yes, the scenes are very short, and that gives the story a somewhat choppy feel. It's not rushed so much as it is terse, and a lot of time can pass between scenes with little indication as to how much. Discord simply doesn't bother to keep track of it.

From this point forward, the author switches to using italicized text for words that Discord would speak were he able to do so. I'm fine with this, is it'd get old quickly if every other line had 'I would have said if I were able to' tacked onto it.

  "My friends tease me, you know."

  Not a surprise.

  "They call me the Royal Bird-poo cleaner."

  Please stop talking [sic]

  "My friend, Sunny Fields, says..."

  Another thing that really is very unpleasant about being encased in stone? I can't simply ignore ponies who twitter on like idiots.

Italic Discord forgot a period here. I can't say I was looking for grammar errors, but this is only one of four that I noticed in the whole story (I mentioned one earlier, and the other two are these: two paragraphs aren't spaced properly in the third scene, and a pony called Sunny Meadows loses the 's' at the end of her name once). That's a low error count for a story of this length, which is always nice to see.

And yes, this 'Keeper' arrangement goes about as well as you'd expect. Ember Spark doesn't annoy Discord the whole time, just most of it. In addition to gossiping, she also washes him, tends to the corner of the garden he's in, and reads to him. Her choice of literature is questionable, though, as she feels inclined to head him raunchy romance novels. (You know, 'washing him' sounds kinda dirty, especially since he's hard all the time, and frequently covered in white body fluid—okay, I'll stop. This is teen rated, not a clopfic.)

Discord insists that he simply loathes this little mayfly, but even this early on there are signs that he's getting used to her presence. For example, he criticizes her when she misses a spot while washing him, as if he feels entitled to her doing a thorough job. That's really the charm of this story, where Discord's character development happens gradually and naturally.

Well, Ember Spark gets 'fat,' and abandons him for four weeks during the winter. Despite what Discord may have said, he does not, in fact, prefer the boredom. When she returns, she's lost weight, and he reaches the obvious conclusion that she was pregnant. It isn't long before she brings her baby daughter, Evening Breeze, much to Discord's chagrin.

  Children are boring.

  One thing, though. I finally got some appreciation for how my face was frozen, because when little Evening Breeze finally focused her dull violet eyes upon me, she let out an unholy squawk of fear and began shrieking at the top of her lungs. No matter what she did, Ember was unable to calm her daughter, so she finally loaded her up into the carriage and took off.

  Aww, she didn't even say goodbye to me!

Yep, the only time he enjoys this baby is when she's upset. He might be getting used to the presence of these ponies, but he's still holding true to his base nature.

The story switches into high gear, spanning decades in two short sections. Sure, it's been moving quickly all along, but this is fast even for this story. Evening Breeze grows up, Ember Spark's husband dies, and she quits her job because she's getting too old for it and doesn't have the heart to do more than the base motions. Honestly, I'm having a hard time summarizing this story because it almost reads like a summary itself.

The pony who takes over for her when she quits? Evening Breeze. Yes, that's right; the pony who spent much of her life growing up whilst cowering in fear of Discord's statue is now responsible for keeping him clean when Canterlot's dozens of opinionated, little tiny birds keep shitting on him. So much for that whole cutie mark thing and finding one's own destiny, because apparently being a Keeper of Discord is a family business and that trumps freedom of choice.

While Ember Spark manages to last about a quarter of the story's length, her daughter only lasts three of those short scenes.

  I almost missed Ember Spark. That's how dull and annoying Evening Breeze was. She never read to me, she barely cleaned me, and she never, and I mean never, did anything about the weeds and plants in my enclosure until they got to the point where she had to struggle just to get in. Then she'd rope some poor slob of a gardener into cutting the grass, or rather the weeds, down to a manageable level.

See what I mean about the story basically being a summary? Pretty much the entirety of Evening Breeze's interactions with Discord take place within this single paragraph. The rest of his time with her is mostly spent talking about her third child, a pegasus by the name of Sunny Meadows, and yes, that is the pony who appears in the cover art. I'm not sure if Sunny Meadows was named after Ember's friend, Sunny Fields, or if this is just a coincidence. It's not actually mentioned in the story, but the lives of these ponies look well thought out, so I'm going to assume the former.

Evening Breeze isn't the type of pony to bring her children to work, but she does bring Sunny Meadows one day due to a problem with her foalsitter. Sunny takes an instant liking to Discord, climbing on his statute and later flying up to boop him on the nose. Given the neglect he's faced, he appreciates the attention and takes a liking to her too.

Even before Sunny leaves school, she criticizes her mother's lack of professionalism and offers to take over the job. Evening Breeze agrees, leaving for good.

   I watched Breeze walk stiffly away. I felt something odd. Unusual. Not quite anger. I'd felt that before, but it felt similar. I couldn't quite put a name to it, but something about the way [Sunny]'d thrown that bucket had stirred something in this old stone heart of mine.

  And now, I had yet another new Keeper.

While Discord's character development thus far has been gradual, this is a major turning point. The first keeper, Ember Spark, Discord made a point of ignoring, and the second keeper, Evening Breeze, made a point of ignoring him. This third one, Sunny Meadows? They both like each other. He might not have a word to properly describe his feelings, but he thinks of her in much the same way that one would think of their own child.

If I have any criticism about Sunny's character, it's that she a bit too perfect for him. Everything that Ember Spark did that Discord found droll, Sunny finds a way to make interesting. Instead of reading him romance novels or children's stories, she reads goofy comedies that focus on randomness. Instead of keeping the garden neat and trim, she decides to just throw seeds everywhere and let the plants fight amongst themselves. This latter action even earns her her cutie mark, a smiling sun. It seems to reflect her positive outlook more than anything to do with Discord directly, but there's no questioning that she's enamored with the concept of chaos even to the point of obsessiveness. The appearance of her cutie mark also highlights just how stupid it was to force Evening Breeze into doing something she hated.

When Ember Spark dies, Sunny confesses that her grandmother was her only real friend. I guess that makes sense considering how weird and eccentric she is, but this friendlessness also feels like an excuse to allow her to spend more time with Discord. She does want to start a family, though, and gets married fairly quickly, I guess. It's impossible to tell how much time passes when Discord rarely bothers to mention it.

~~*~~

  Sunny was definitely no good with pregnancies. On the one paw, I was glad it was over. No more grousing about feeling sick and bloated, or groans as she tried to flit around cleaning me off. No more unexpected vomiting.

  On the other talon, I was, frankly, annoyed that there was going to be yet another pony taking Sunny's attention away from me.

  You see, I'd figured it out. I knew, now, why I'd been upset. Her husband had captured her eye and her heart, and now there was this foal, as well. These ponies were conspiring to take my Keeper away from me.

  It wasn't that I cared. It wasn't because I was lonely, and it certainly wasn't because of anything as silly and pointless as jealousy.

  It's because she was mine. And I don't like sharing.

~~*~~

I decided to quote one whole section just so you can see just how short these things are getting. The next one's even shorter, spanning only three paragraphs, one of which consists of a just a single sentence. While I can understand not wanting to bog the story down by dragging out the scenes unnecessarily, it makes the pacing feel fast, particularly when there's a string of five short scenes in a row.

The author does vary his scene composition, which keeps things interesting, but it still feels like we're not getting the whole story. Sunny enlists her kids for help while recovering from a broken leg, and rewards them by reading one of her stories. This bit offers further insight:

  See, there are only a certain number of stories that can be considered "chaotic and funny" in the world, and Sunny had read most of those to me in her first couple of years. She'd then taken it upon herself to write more of them, and occasionally came back with something completely new.

  Her stories were terrible, at first, much like her paintings. But, hey, they grow on you.

I have mixed feelings about this passage. It adds more insight into Sunny's life and deepens her character, but this is also a large and interesting portion of Discord's life that happens completely offscreen. Shouldn't he have mentioned something earlier? What else have we missed out on? Way to make him an unreliable narrator. This passage is also pure telling. From our perspective, there's nothing tangible about Sunny's writing (or paintings); they're simply activities that she does. If we want to know more about them, we're left to our own imaginations.

Sometimes, though, the brevity can add to the story far more than jumping in and explaining everything would. At some point, Sunny's husband left her for another mare. She never told Discord and we only learn about it when her kids bring it up. The author could have thrown that in our faces for sympathy, but he opted to give Sunny a choice. Her decision to stay silent speaks volumes about how ashamed she must feel. It also shows us, albeit indirectly, that she cares about what Discord thinks of her.

In case we'd forgotten, Discord notices that one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony has passed away (he doesn't know which one). Once they all die, all he'll need is just a little burst of chaos to help him break free. Given how much Sunny loves chaos, and how much her family loves arguing, that's pretty much a virtual guarantee.

The Elements aren't the only ones dying, as Evening Breeze also drops dead. You know, Sunny's now had two of her close family members die, and the only other death mentioned was Ember Spark's husband. This seems like an abridged list, so these mourning scenes exist primarily to keep the readers informed of the ex-keepers' statuses. They do give us more insight into Sunny's life, so it's not like they're bad or anything. They just happen to highlight the highly-selective nature of the scenes that we see.

  "I see... you?" When Sunny motioned for her to continue, Summer looked around and then said, "I see the hedge maze, and the grass."

  "And how do those look?"

  "Neat. Orderly. Except right by the border of the Chaos Garden, where weeds keep creeping out. I keep telling you, a retaining wall—"

  "I never wanted to put a wall around the garden, dear. It didn't seem right to fence it in." Sunny grunted with the effort as she got to her hooves, wiping her brow with a towel. "What you're seeing is order, all around the Chaos Garden. Trimmed grass, sculptured hedges, clean walkways. If we put a wall around the garden, we'd rob it of its power. If we let it go everywhere, it would corrupt the order of this place—" sounds good to me, I thought, "—but that would rob the garden itself of what makes it special."

  Hmm.

  "Chaos and order go together like oil and water," Sunny said, piling her gardening tools into a cart. "They don't really mix all that well, but if you take one away and just leave the other... well, it gets boring, doesn't it?"

We don't have long to go before this chapter ends, so now's as good of a time as any to start teaching morals, right? The thought that order and chaos aren't true antagonists, but compliments, is one that's good for fiction, but doesn't make much sense, logically. There's a reason that the saying 'may you live in interesting times' is considered to be a curse. Well, this is more of my opinion than anything else, so I shan't argue. If your world happens to have a chaos god imprisoned in stone, then this is a very good moral to teach.

Discord complains that there's only one Element bearer left, and blames Twilight for keeping him trapped. It's fine for Discord to have that opinion, but this story was written pre-Twilicorn so it actually makes more sense to have Applejack live the longest. She has the healthiest diet, the healthiest lifestyle, and the oldest living relative. Regardless, whoever's left must be pushing her 120s by now, as we're on our third, nearly fourth, generation of Keepers here. Seriously, Sunny's a grandmother now, as we've been introduced to her youngest child's daughter! There might be another explanation for what's keeping Discord bound, but that falls under the category of wild speculation so I'll save it for the end.

Sunny gets ill, and that youngest daughter of hers, Summer Sky, takes over. I've avoided mentioning that name because the words 'Sunny' and 'Summer' are similar in appearance and it's very easy to get them confused if you happen to be skimming. Plus, it's another name to keep track of, and as short as this story is, it has a lot of them. I counted six OCs who have speaking roles. A few others, such as the husbands, only play offscreen roles.

I'd complain more, but even in the brief moments that we know them, the author does a good job of giving all the characters distinct personalities appropriate for their ages and allows them to develop over time. It's still a lot to keep track of, though, as all of them have their own unique color schemes too (except for Summer, who's a carbon copy of her mother. She does have a different personality, though, being more of a doormat).

Discord feels his last bond snap, so he'll finally be able to escape. The chaotic burst which allows him to do so? The turmoil in Summer's heart when she comes to deliver the news of her mother's death.

Given how much Discord cares for her, and how inexperienced he is with loss in general, this puts a huge damper on his triumphant return. It's a hollow victory, and one could even say that he's broken up about it.

Sunny wrote a letter to him before dying, so the first thing Discord does upon breaking free is to claim it.

  I reached down and took Sunny's letter in my talons. I looked at her daughter, who was staring at me with a combination of awe and terror.

  "Thank you," I said to her, and she nodded and squeaked something in response.

  "Are you afraid of me, my little pony?" I asked, stepping down from my pedestal and feeling the grass beneath me. My senses were being flooded, now. The stone kept me dulled, but now my awareness was free. Summer Sky's heart was beating fit to burst. The smell of fear flooded off of her, and I could see her limbs trembling.

  "Yes," she whispered.

  I strode towards her in a flash, and took her muzzle in my lion's paw. Leaning down, I looked into her eyes.

  "Neither you, nor anypony in your family, from now until the end of all things, will ever have need to fear me. I promise you this."

This certainly isn't the chaotic upheaval that one would expect from Discord's escape, but it does show just how much he's changed. It fits his character within the context of this story, and that's the important part.

My only real gripe about this scene is more on a technical level. Discord's senses might be flooded, but ours certainly aren't. A little more detail could have done wonders here. As it is now, it's hard to relate to that aspect of Discord's release. The only sensation that's actually new is smell, which Discord's probably grateful for considering the fact that he spent a fair bit of time staring at bird poop on his nose.

The chapter ends on a cliffhanger, where Discord opens Sunny's letter, but we don't get to see it.

Chapter 2: Celestia · 12th Nov 2012 · 1,286 words

This chapter is fairly short, and is told from Celestia's point of view. It also starts right in the middle of an action scene where she's confronting Discord and, well, I don't actually know why. She might be confronting Discord simply because he's Discord (not a bad reason given his history) or she might just have a thing for goofy-looking statues. The point I'm trying to make is that I know what to expect from Discord, but I don't know what to expect from Celestia, and that's a problem because she's the narrator now. Instead of dumping us straight into the action, a brief scene where Celestia talks strategy with Luna before jumping into things could help by establishing her narrative voice and motives.

Whatever Celestia had expected, she doesn't find. Instead, she finds herself in the awkward position of trying to comfort a grieving Discord.

  "Why did you do that to me? Why did you give me servants, though I was entrapped in stone? Why did... Why... Why do they die so quickly?"

  "Ah." I said. In order to hide my surprise, I looked away, towards the sky, and saw Luna on her approach. I caught her eye and shook my head. Confused, but trusting me, Luna turned and banked away. "It's the cost of immortality, Discord. Those who are mortal, no matter how long they may live, pass away before we truly get to know them. Then we spend the rest of our lives mourning them."

Gee, that doesn't sound very comforting.

This is the story's second moral, and it's not one that I agree with. Now's as good of a time as any for a long-winded rant, I suppose. Celestia's message has two parts, the first one being that mortal lives appear brief and ephemeral, and the second being that he'll grieve for all of eternity.

That first part is very strongly supported by the story itself, and that's actually where the problem lies. It's not the nebulous concept of immortality which causes mortal lives to zip by; it's the fact that the story's narrative structure skips decades between sections. The story might be told in a semi stream-of-consciousness style directly from Discord himself, but his credibility is poor. Am I really supposed to believe that he simply stops thinking between scenes? Of course not! His character development wouldn't make sense without that offscreen action. Thus, the suggestion that 'immortality' is the root cause behind this breakneck pacing is just silly. It's almost as bad as trying to blame the vast distance to Mars on the red planet's color. Sure, you could write up some nonsense about redshifting and make it sound plausible, but that wouldn't make it true.

There is one saving grace here, and that's the fact that this is a message that Discord needs to hear. Whenever he got fed up with the Keepers, he liked to lean on his immortality as a means of comforting himself. The annoying ponies would crumble to dust before him, if only he could blink. That sort of thing.

The second part of the message about never forgetting actually runs contrary to the first. Having a brief and incomplete perception of mortal lives implies a faulty memory (one's perception of the passage of time is dependent on memory), while being stuck grieving forever implies a perfect memory. You can't have it both ways. Celestia should be speaking from experience here, but it just doesn't make sense. She must be pretty messed up in the head if all she can remember about the mortal lives that touched her is how much she misses them. As is, she makes it sound as if Discord's never going to be able to move on. That's a cheap play for extra sympathy, and it's completely unnecessary. Telling him that he'd eventually forget her completely would be even more hurtful in the short term, as he clearly doesn't want to move on.

Celestia later tries to sugarcoat her message by stating that Sunny's memory will always stay alive in his heart, but it's still the same thing and it's still not comforting. Discord even complains as such.

The chapter wraps up with him making some demands with regards to the Keepers and their duties. Apparently, he wants a statue to help remember Sunny Meadows by. He also took her lesson about order and chaos to heart, so he isn't going to be a major villain anymore. The exact extent of his antics will be determined at a later date, but for now, he just wants to brood. When Celestia leaves, he turns the mountain into rainbow colored gumballs, because that's the kind of thing he does.

Chapter 3: Epilogue · 7th Nov 2012 · 533 words

This final remaining chapter exists primarily for the purpose of revealing the contents of Sunny's letter. It's well thought out and quite touching. Here's a sample:

  I wanted to say thank you. I know that probably sounds weird, since you didn't have a choice and all, but honestly? I had a great time being a Keeper. Tending the garden, cleaning your statue, writing my silly stories and making my terrible paintings, it was all just too much fun! I'm the luckiest pony in the world, to have had that job. I just wish my mom could have seen how lucky I was.

In case you happened to have any heartstrings left, those are probably gone now, slain by this touching letter which simply can't stop grabbing you and shaking you and beating you against a wall and giving you an atomic wedgie and the pain isn't nearly enough because you'll never get over the loss of this wonderfully amazing pony whom you'll never get to meet and who never got to meet you and it's all so sad and blublublublub. You drowned in your own tears. Game over. Try again?

I'm not sure if it was intentional, but there's an interesting parallel in word choice here. Remember this?

Honestly? I'd prefer the boredom.

That was from the story's description. I'll just leave that as a final thought.

Honestly? I like this story. The only real issue I have is with Celestia's lesson. The story leans on its narrative faults (fast pacing, selective detail) in order to advance an agenda of hate against the concept of immortality. However, if you read between the lines that argument doesn't hold up. It's subtle and hard to see, but I found it irritating enough for 10% rage.

As far as those narrative faults go, while I would have liked more detail here and there and perhaps another scene or two, there's still enough presented to identify with the characters and watch them grow. And that's what this story is really all about. The Keepers of Discord from beginning to end is an engaging tale with excellent characterization, and for that it's well worth its place as one of Fimfiction's most highly rated stories.

The Seal of Derpproval ~ Under 30% rage, and well worthy of it.

Art Of The Fanfic Award ~ All six points. The story might be an AU now, but it wasn't at the time of publication so it still qualifies for point four.

Pity Pothole Medal ~ Gee, let's kill off the one pony whom he loves the most, and then rub salt in the wound by telling him that he's never going to go over her for as long as he lives (which is forever, because he's immortal). On top of that, let's drip lemon juice on the salt-encrusted wound by allowing her to write a touching farewell letter, despite the fact that she never actually met him.

Hey, I did promise some wild speculation, so I'm not going to sign off just yet. First of all: an alternate ending. Had Discord realized that Sunny's ex-husband was still alive and decided to take revenge, this story could have played out very differently, resulting in a third (and final) incarceration. This time, the Keepers really could act as wardens, and Celestia could stop by every decade or so to refresh the spell keeping him bound. In a way, that would have been a more merciful ending, because at least then he'd have company. With the way this story currently ends, he's shut himself up to grieve in isolation.

Secondly: there's the matter of Discord's prison and how its strength is tied to the lives of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. There's nothing that specifically states that only one pony can be a bearer of a particular element at a time, and Sunny Meadows did display a great deal of kindness towards Discord. Being in such close proximity to his prison, that particular spirit of harmony may have latched onto her and thus it was her life which was the final straw keeping Discord in check. That would have doomed them never to meet, and would have given the story even more of a tragic element than it already has (as if it needs to be any sadder).

To help cheer you up, how about this nice, comforting image featuring Discord and Fluttershy?

Source: Her Final Moments...

Wait, that's not comforting. Gosh, I must be channeling Celestia, because I'm really bad at this. Oh well.

Rage Review: Dreams can Die

Ever had one of those stories that seemed super-great in your head, but never got anywhere when you sat down to write it? Today's story is over two years old and still consists only of the prologue so I'm guessing that's what we're dealing with here. The thumbs might be hidden, but it's probably at 9-0 or 8-1 based on the story's positioning in our folders when sorted by rating. Not bad, but I do expect to find some fatal flaw that prevents the author from continuing.

I included both versions of the story's description just so you can see how different they are. The short description promises a story focused on the pain of failure and the loss of one's dreams, while the long description instead focuses on body modification, for some reason. Er... These things can coexist, but I have the feeling that this story is going to be thematically confused. The only way to know for sure is to open it.

Some ponies say "Never meet your heroes". I never really understood that until now. For most ponies, they don't measure up to the legend.  For me, I didn't meet the requirements. All my life I'd been told to reach out for what you want and to just take it. The only thing that truly holds yourself back is you. Your mind, your body, your spirit. A few years ago I realized just how wrong I was; how wrong everything I had ever known was. I finally had a shot at my dream. I was going to become the hero of my own story, but I didn't meet the legend to be.

Aside from the sentence fragment and misused semicolon, this is a pretty solid opener. Right away, it brings us into Lightning Dust's mindset and connects with her character. Mixing the "never meet your hero" and "hero of your own story" concepts together is an interesting hook. It opens the door for some heavy introspection.

The story does continue along this line for one more paragraph before it stops to establish the setting. Apparently, Lightning Dust is being evicted because she's broke.

I didn't have a bit to my name. I'd been fired from my last job after the fiasco at the Academy found it's way into the ears of my manager. Needless to say, I was out on my ass before I even really started my shift. Being accused of nearly killing some mares with a tornado didn't exactly look good on my résumé.

Assuming that Lightning Dust worked weather in her day job, this does make sense. Her manager probably hated her, anyway. She then gets fed up with her landlord chewing her out, and punches him in the face, with her fist. Um... this story isn't anthro, so it probably has something to with that body modification. Speaking of which, this punch-out segues into a fairly detailed physical description of Lightning Dust that talks about her mechanical parts. Yep. She's now randomly a cyborg, and a heavily-augmented one at that.

In order to justify this, the story switches into exposition mode and dumps some recent history onto us. It works, I guess, if the goal is to cram a sci-fi setting into canon My Little Pony in as few words as possible. Another exposition-heavy paragraph talks about economics, just to rub in how poor Lightning Dust is. She then steals a few bits from her KO'ed landlord, and flies off.

Mugging ponies already? She's well on her way to starting a new life as a supervillain.

To say that I was fast was an understatement. As far as I was aware, there was still only one pony faster than me, but I haven't seen her in years. I had always taken comfort in that fact that even if I wasn't a complete pony I still ruled the skies.

This would have been a good place to segue back to the overall theme of having lost her dream, but no, she's apparently over her soul-crushing angst and completely happy with being second-best. I'm going to have to fault the story for this, especially considering the cybernetic enhancements done to her wings. Isn't the whole point of augmentation to improve? Shouldn't she be chomping at the bit for a chance to test her new body against her old rival? She sounds as if she's still fast despite what was done to her. Is there even a point to this augmentation? I certainly don't see any.

Lightning Dust rambles about how much she loves flying and then takes off in a random direction, completely aimlessly. And—I can see exactly why this story has come to an abrupt halt.

I picked a direction, and I flew.

No. Bad author. This is not how you end a chapter. There's nothing wrong with these words specifically, even centered like that, but Lightning Dust is left hanging without a goal. She has no purpose. She has nothing to work towards. There's no reason to keep writing her story. This is a shame, because it's fairly-well written. It's just... a tad confused as to what kind of story it wants to be.

The loss of dreams thing looked like it should have been this story's focus, given the title, but that concept wasn't explored much and was only used to set up her new life as a cyborg. Speaking of which, I have to ask: why!? Why is she a cyborg? What does that even add to the story? Given that she's incredibly poor, and that cybernetics are expensive, how did she even become a cyborg in the first place? The story did drop a hint:

The entire body of any species of pony was now replaceable, customizable, and cold metal. Most had adjustments made to better suit them for their occupation or hobbies. Some of us weren't so lucky, and were altered for different reasons.

But it didn't follow up on it. Lightning Dust is excessively vague here, and there's no reason for that, as she should know her own life story!

There's one other thing I should mention:

Author's Note:

Be aware, I changed all of maybe four words. The story has shifted to anthro. Yes I did just update a story that hasn't had anything new in something like two years. Yes I am much more likely to write more than I was when the story was first published. Bear in mind that it still might not happen.

The story is supposedly anthro now. If you're going to do that, you need to update the story tags, and cover art, or I'm just going to assume that mention of 'hands' is either a mistake or part of the cybernetics.

Skeptical is a good depiction of my feeling towards this story. It does have some good parts as the narrative flows well and it has a decent grasp of Lightning Dust's character. The exposition is mixed in well, and the descriptions are decent too. I think I would have liked the story more if it had focused on its initial theme of lost dreams instead of bringing in all that sci-fi stuff, but still okay even as-is. It's just not going anywhere.

Well, you tried to write a story, but forgot to motivate your character. Whoops.

Here's an idea: let's cut huge chunks off of Lightning Dust and replace them with metal bits. Why? Because it's cool or something. I don't even know!

Suddenly anthro because anthro. That makes even less sense than the cyborg thing.

I pulled the story from the submissions folder.

Rage Review: The Lone Crusader

Apple Bloom is one of my favorite ponies, and for good reason. She's a super-cute little filly with a big heart who wants nothing more than to grow up and make a name for herself. Hey day-to-day struggles with her closest friends might often backfire and wind up coating them all in tree sap, but she has remarkable persistence, if not much patience, and it's hard not to admire somepony like that.

Today's story, The Lone Crusader, promises to take us on a childhood journey where Apple Bloom is left to fend for herself. Can it deliver on that promise? We shall see.

The first thing you'll notice about the description is the 'cute' tag. No, that's not one of the recently added tags. It's a mock-up image made to look like a site tag. While adding images to the story's description is technically against the rules, user-created custom tags are one of the exceptions they've allowed. I've also seen an 'anon' tag and a 'clop' tag done like this.

As for the story describing itself as 'cute,' I'm fine with that. Yes, it tells us how we should feel about the story, but so do the 'comedy,' 'thriller,' and 'sad' tags. If the story itself is half as cute as the cover art, then I'm sure it can deliver on that promise. What I'm more concerned about is the rest of the description.

make due by herself for the day

This is an awkward way of phrasing the concept of being alone. In the next sentence, the word 'out' isn't necessary and 'her' and 'hers' is redundant. One of those can be cut. Generally, this description could use some polishing, but it does describe the story well without giving anything away.

There's only one chapter which uses the default name of 'Chapter 1.' For a one-shot, it's better to name the chapter. That shows at least some thought was put into it. 'Chapter 1' is just lazy.

Apple Bloom stood atop the hill overlooking the orchard below, a smile on her face and her cape gently blowing in the breeze. She took a deep breath, breathing in the faint smell of spring and adventure. “There it is, girl,” Apple Bloom said as she glanced to her side. Standing next to her was her trusty companion—someone who would never let her down, the family dog, Winona.

“The Jeweled Basin is somewhere down there in that forest.” She looked back down at her destination, a determined look in her eye. “If we can find that, I bet I can get my cutie mark in adventurin’ for sure!”

This opener is structured well, as it mixes description with action and sets the scene while establishing Apple Bloom's character and motive, but it suffers from many problems too. Poor word choice places 'breath' and 'breathing' right next to each other, the story wastes space redundantly explaining what a 'trusty companion' is, and parts of the description are missing or inadequate. We shouldn't have to look at the cover art to learn something basic like the color of Apple Bloom's cape, and we'd best get used to weak qualifiers like 'determined' trying to substitute for proper visualization because that happens frequently in this story.

As for the story itself, it's odd to see Apple Bloom talking about Sweet Apple Acres as if it's some sort of wild, untamed forest full of undiscovered treasure. It doesn't take long to figure out why.

Apple Bloom focused on a rustling bush. She kept a firm gaze on it, waiting for whatever horror would pop out and attack her and her faithful companion. She didn’t have to wait long. A small, grey bunny hopped out and stared at her innocently.

Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide. “Sweet Celestia! You see that? It’s a huge wererabbit with giant teeth and claws as big as a dragon’s!”

She's playing pretend.

Um, no. Apple Bloom doesn't do that. That's not how cutie mark crusading works. Look, I know that playing pretend is a generic little kid thing, and that Apple Bloom is one of the youngest characters, but she isn't that young. On the show, she's presented as a young adolescent who's on the verge of making her first steps into adulthood if only she could finally earn that cutie mark. She may have some grandiose ideas, but the only time we've seen her straight up playing pretend was that creature-catching act in Stare Master.

I got the impression that the only reason they did this was because they were bored out of their skulls.

With Cutie Mark Crusading, each and every attempt is serious. Be it zip-lining, bowling, chicken herding, etc, they're always out there doing the actual thing and not lollygagging about, imagining it. If Apple Bloom really did want a cutie mark in adventuring—we've seen her walk into the Everfree Forest all by herself—she'd actually be out there, adventuring. It's also worth noting that Cutie Mark Crusading has always been a group activity (in light of Crusaders of the Lost Mark it's easy to see why), but Apple Bloom's been known to go off on her own so that part isn't a big deal.

Sorry about the characterization essay, but what I'm getting at is that Apple Bloom is acting out of character. She's less of the Apple Bloom we know and love and more of a Generic Cute Thing walking around in Apple Bloom's skin.

Apple Bloom looked at her faithful friend, giving her a confident nod. “We gotta get past that rock storm up ahead or else we’re gonna be in for some trouble!” She lowered her head and readied herself. Winona did the same next to her. As soon as she heard another crack of thunder, she took off towards the tree. A vibration rushed up it, shaking the apples loose.

She reached reached into her collar and pull her twig free. She swung her weapon in front of her, barely brushing one of the apples out of her way. She felt another just graze her tail, and a third hit her on her hoof as it was in the air behind her. “Run, girl, run!” she yelled to Winona.

Here, Apple Bloom is pretending that she's caught in a rock storm, which is really just Big Mac apple-bucking. The astute observer will note that while this story is about Apple Bloom playing pretend, the story's narration does not follow her imagination, instead preferring to stay grounded in the real world. Usually, stories that focus on a child's imagination take the opposite path, often to absurdity. (Scootaloo and the Danger Death Box 4000 and Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Scootaloo come to mind.) This story isn't worse by following the literal path, just different. In fact, I feel like I'm there, watching her play. It's quite charming, really.

My real complaint here is that the sentence structure gets repetitive at times. Repetition develops rhythm, and that draws the reader out by making them aware of how the words are presented. Outside of poetry, it's best to avoid that. Plus:

She reached reached into her collar and pull her twig free.

There's a repeated word and tense error in the same sentence. This story doesn't have too many mistakes, but another proofreading couldn't hurt.

Apple Bloom's adventure concludes when she finds an empty bucket, which she brings back to her sister for a reward.

“I found the Golden Basin you were lookin’ for!”

Applejack turned to her sister with a puzzled look on her face. “The what?” she stared at her for a moment before it clicked. Her sister’s cape, the twig in her collar, the dirt all over her face. Applejack smiled. “Thank you, kindly. Did you have a rough time findin’ it?”

“Don’t mention it! It weren’t too hard, I had my trusty sword and travelin’ partner with me!” Apple Bloom looked to Winona, finding her sitting patiently and wagging her tail.

Applejack quickly picks up on the 'adventure', thereby implying that this is something that Apple Bloom does frequently. As I mentioned before, she's too old for that, plus she's also never really shown much imagination as even her dream sequence episode was mostly mundane.

Anyway, since this story stepped back to describe Apple Bloom's appearance, I might as well complain about the descriptions again. They do work, but often in a bare-minimum fashion. The cape clearly has significance, but we're never told why, nor is it ever described. Why is Apple Bloom even wearing a collar? Is this dress like Winona day? When, exactly, did she get dirt on her face? That literally came out of nowhere. She's not Pigpen; she doesn't just attract the stuff.

This story's continued love of qualifiers continues unabated, with mixed results. 'Patiently' does help describe 'sitting,' though it also implies that Winona's waiting for something and I'm not sure what. 'Puzzled' can't describe 'look' because it's just too open-ended and 'look' doesn't mean anything on its own. Is Applejack scrunching up her face and scratching her chin, or is she more of an eyebrow-raising type of gal? Please don't use qualifiers to describe facial expressions, as words like 'confident,' 'innocent,' 'determined,' and 'puzzled' are too vague to properly visualize.

“Slow down little Apple. And here you thought today was gonna be borin’ since Sweetie Belle was busy and Scootaloo was sick.” Applejack smirked and gave a knowing glance.

“I did, until I realized you needed that bucket—I mean, uh…treasure—you left out in the orchard—”

We do eventually get an answer for why this 'adventure' took place, but only at the very end. At this point, all of the emotional impact of being left alone has already worn off, so we have no basis on which to judge how boring Apple Bloom thought things were going to be. That kinda kills the potential impact of the moral lesson.

Apple Bloom does not get her cutie mark, and the story ends with her getting shooed off to wash up for supper.

Well, that was kind of dull—cute, but dull.

Overall, it was an okay story, and it did deliver on the cuteness, but not much else. It lacked any sort of tension because it jumped into things before establishing a motive other than the cutie mark thing. But since Apple Bloom's just playing pretend, we know that isn't going to happen, nor is anything bad going to happen to her. The story did attempt to give us a moral when Applejack stated that Apple Bloom's playing by herself didn't have to be boring, but that fell flat because there was no setup.

On the technical side, the grammar's generally good, though I did see a few errors including missing capitalization, a few sentence fragments, and occasionally missing direct-address commas. Repetitive sentence structure and dry narration are the bigger faults, making the story harder to read. It's minor, but Winona should be added to the character tags given her role in the story.

Diabetic's Nightmare Medal

I wouldn't put this at 'cuteness overload' level, but it does portray a little kid acting like a little kid. If that's not cute, then I don't know what is.

Shoddy Script Award

Apple Bloom's out of character, but not so much that it can't be fixed easily. Either present this adventure as something she wouldn't normally do (expand upon Applejack's moral), or go ahead and make her younger, even before she even met the other Crusaders. Heck, if Winona was a puppy too than the 'daws would be doubled.

Honest Attempt Medal

I like the concept, but there were too many problems to really get into the story. The fact that it lacked any impact is what really killed it for me, though. I do have a suggestion to help fix that, but I'm reluctant to advocate it because it would be hard to pull off. Imagine, if you will, that the story's narration was given a distinctive voice. Take the time to comment on how Apple Bloom's grown, how she compares to her siblings when they were her age, and generally fuss over her. At the end, reveal the narrator as Apple Bloom's departed mother (or father). Don't just pull that out of nowhere, though, because if you do, it'd look like a cheap ploy for extra feels and readers hate that.

Good Sport Ribbon

Twas a requested review.

Aw, they're plum tuckered out from their adventure. Please comment quietly so as not to disturb them.

Death to Immersion [story quotes]

Have you ever been reading a story, really starting to get into it, when all of a sudden the author makes some horrible flub or tosses in some asinine, lazy thing that completely pulls you out? What's that? More times than you care to mention? Well now's your chance to vent.

Be it a horrible typo, a fourth-wall break, a jarring perspective shift, a terrible scene transition, instructions to play background music, or some other thing, if you have the misfortune of running into something that absolutely kills your immersion, feel free to share it here and let us feel your pain. Like the other thread, do not attribute the work. That means no mentioning of titles, authors, and be careful what you link. Also, please limit yourself to no more than three images/videos per post (including reaction images).

Here are two examples:

Sweetie Belle looked a lot more mature in the clothes, almost appearing to be simply a small pony instead of actually being a filly.

You're not even going to bother with describing what that looks like, story? Nope! All we get is a hyper-lazy-link. :unsuresweetie:

“Hey Spike, what are you doing?” Twilight asked calmly.

“Oh… Errr nothing… You know, I craved for some chems and came here for some before going with the crusaders” Responded Spike.

That's supposed to say 'gems,' not 'chems.' The worst part is that the author admitted to spotting this error, but decided to leave it in because (s)he thought it was funny.

Rage Review: Legendaries of Equestria

/story/281602/legendaries-of-equestria

Ah yes, Pokemon. It's one of the longest running and most popular game series out there. On top of that, it's gotten a large number of spin-off games, manga, TV shows, and movies. Is it any wonder Pokemon are popular crossover material here?

Since this story promises to feature both a Lugia and a Latios, I did a little research and selected two videos which give a general idea as to their contributions to the anime. Fell free to skip them if you want, since the story itself should be able to tell us what we need to know.

Lugia

Latios

The second video is less informative, but it does show the origin of Soul Dew. The red one, Latias, is his sister. Let's see what the actual story is like.

Wait a minute—buying items? A convention? Oh please tell me it's not—

It is...

Is it a bad thing that I'm more troubled by that 'Displaced' tag than 'No Originality Brigade'? I hope you didn't waste any time watching those videos, because as a Displaced story the canon characterizations of Lugia and Latios just got thrown out with the bathwater. In their place we get Heather and... someone else, probably a self-insert. Ugh.

I shouldn't be so quick to judge. After all, Displaced is just a common collection of tropes and it's not like the genre itself is bad, right?

I'm also awarding the genra itself, a whooping 200% OF MY WRATH!!!

-Broadway Sweetie Belle

Oh fucking hell. I'm really going to regret this, aren't I?

Okay, deep breaths. I can do this. Supposing that I know nothing about Displaced, or even Pokemon for that matter, I'm going to take another look at that description and pick it apart.

I thought it was too good to be true, but I still bought the mega-stone and Soul Dew which I brought back to the only friend I had that was willing to come with me to the convention, Heather. Though it may have been because I bothered her over the phone about it for weeks. Well, if what happened to us was anything to go by, I’d have plenty of time to ask…

This is confusing as hell. What's a mega-stone? What's Soul Dew? One can't exactly buy those things at Walmart for five bucks. What convention? What does any of this have to do with ponies? What are those weird things in the story's cover art? What are the 'Legendaries' mentioned in the title? There's no actual clue that this story is about Pokemon aside from the 'Crossover' tag and being featured in a Pokemon group. That second sentence in the description is actually a fragment, and the last one doesn't even make any sense! Ask about what? Taking Heather to the convention? Didn't that already happen?

For something that's supposed to describe the story, this description does an awful job. It's basically a brick wall to people who don't know anything about Pokemon or Displaced. On a meta note, DJSkywalker, who is credited with helping create this story, happens to be the author of Gravity of the Situation which is also being reviewed here.

I do not own the cover-art either. Sadly I'm nowhere near good enough as an artist to even joke about it. :P

That 'either' must be a typo, as it makes no sense there. How about linking to the actual artist instead of simply refuting ownership? That's just plain rude. Also, putting emoticons into the story's description, ascii or otherwise, looks dumb. :derpytongue2:

Well, I think I've ranted enough about the description. Let's see what lurks in the story itself.

Chapter 1: A whole new world...

Great, so this is going to be one of those stories that fails at properly capitalizing chapter titles. I don't have high hopes for this.

        I hissed in pain as my eyes snapped open, my hands instantly moving to my head which had hit something hard. The first thing I felt was the bump forming, then I touched my ears which made me stop completely, one hand on the long white ear which I definitely didn’t have when I went to sleep. I slowly looked down to see my body, only to nearly scream when I saw that I wasn’t even human anymore before I tried to open my mouth and speak, only to find I couldn’t talk and quickly started looking around with a good bit of fear, shock, and worry.

This is the story's opening paragraph, and it's functional, but barely. Note that there's mention of looking around, but the only thing that actually gets described is his ear, which he shouldn't even be able to see! This is not how a first person narrative should work. The whole point of using first person is to share the narrator's experience of the world with the audience. This is better accomplished by describing what the narrator is looking at, rather than simply stating that he's looking. Sure, I do get the impression that he's transformed into something, but I don't know what. This confusion is appropriate, but it's conveyed by lack of detail rather than the narrator's own shock and horror. Thus, I'm not invested in this guy at all.

After waking up, he drags himself on the ground for ten minutes. That number feels pretty arbitrary, as if you actually drag yourself on the ground for an entire ten minutes then you're going to feel sore at best and bruised at worst. He's looking for Heather, though I have no idea why he'd expect her to be in this featureless void too. She finds him first, and startles him by roaring.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I won’t deny that I screamed like a girl when she did that, though I really didn’t notice that after I had jumped in fear I didn’t come back down, “What the hell?!”

The consistency here is awful. After stating that he can't speak, he's now screaming and swearing? Plus, if he didn't notice that he was floating, then why is he mentioning that?

        I looked down, seeing a fairly large avian creature holding its sides with its wide wings as it laughed its arrow-shaped head off. Its blue eyes were closed and close to tears from the laughter, its tri-tipped tail banging on the ground.

Here's the description of Heather. While it's good to see action mixed with visualization, it's still too vague to get a real fix as to what she looks like, especially when arbitrary terms like 'fairly large' are used. To avoid confusion, it's better to make comparisons with known objects. Latios is about as big as a horse, and Lugia is three times larger, about as big as a school bus. See? Was that so hard?

As for her behavior, um, what? If she's going through the same experience as the narrator, then why is she already able to fly and why is she treating this like a game? Doesn't she have any obligations back home? Are either of them going to get a backstory?

The narrator, whose name is Tommy, finally realized that he's floating and this prompts him to fall flat on his face kinda like Wile E. Coyote after walking off a cliff. Joy. Slapstick comedy. He's also identified as a Latios and his screaming and swearing was apparently done via telepathy, which is also why his speech is italicized. Well, that works for a psychic type Pokemon, I guess. Heather speaks normally, though, even though Lugia is also psychic type.

“Anyway, we should probably find out where we are. Two legendary pokémon in a forest is usually not a good idea.”

“If we’re actually in a world of pokémon I hope you know we’re screwed,” I commented, trying to figure out how I was floating earlier, “If I can’t figure out my floating thing sometime soon you’re carrying me.”

Oh, so they're in a forest? I never would have known since it wasn't actually mentioned until now. Also, thanks for pointing out just how much better this story would be if they really were in a Pokemon universe instead of Equestria. As is, the only real conflict is Tommy's apparent lack of body control.

“Fly or die, Tommy!”

“WHY DID I EVER INVITE YOU?!” I screamed as I flailed in the air, my wings helping me stay in the air as I slowly fell, and I mean slowly.

“Just for moments like that,” she laughed out. Why did my best friend have to enjoy making me miserable? Wait, the better question is: why the hell do I keep hanging out with her?!

Hmm... That is a good question. This chapter's mostly devoted to banter between these two, and while the personalities are decent, there's no sense of urgency in their situation and the only thing that happens is mostly just Heather picking on him in one way or another. She fangirls over the possibility of meeting a Pikachu, and now treats this like a vacation.

It'd be nice if he spoke up and acted like a voice of reason, but he's more concerned with licking his proverbial wounds than fighting back. Since he still hasn't figured out how to float, he has to let Heather carry him when she decides to go exploring. She flies low, smacking him into every tree in the forest. Ugh. One can only take so much slapstick comedy before it starts to look like plain old abuse.

They happen upon a town full of ponies, but decide not to enter because of a loud bar brawl. That's strange behavior for ponies, but not impossible. Their decision not to get involved is actually very sensible. Two dragon-like creatures emerging from a forest would likely not go over well, especially not when violent drunks are involved.

“If they’re gonna act completely like humans, I’m not sure they’re the ponies I wanna meet. I want the ones flowing with friendship, and happiness, and joy. You know? Shit like that.” Heather turned and started to fly parallel to the forest line.

“Well to be honest in my opinion nothing can be worse than humans.” I shrugged, “Our species does bad things.”

“Oh don’t be such misanthrope. You sound like that weird drifter kid a few years back.” She rolled her eyes and soon stopped at a small stream.

Keep in mind that this story does have an AU tag, and this is the first hint we see that these ponies aren't exactly like the ones from the show. Tommy's misanthropic tendencies aside, it's nice to see hint of a backstory even if we aren't actually going to get one.

“Hmm… I have always wanted to try a certain one.” Lugia took in a deep breath then a ball of golden energy began to build in her open mouth. “Aeroblast!” She fired… right at me!!

“YOU TERRIBLE PERSON!” I screamed as I dived out of the way to avoid the attack. The beam cut through several of the trees, leaving a series of scorched holes deep into the forest.

Wow, pulling out the big guns already? I suppose this could be worse; she could be vaporizing a hapless manticore. If you're not familiar with Pokemon, Aeroblast is Lugia's signature and most powerful combat move. Her excuse for attacking him is that she thought he was immune due to Latios' dragon typing (he's psychic/dragon dual type, actually), despite the fact that dragons don't even resist flying-type attacks. I'm not buying it. Her knowledge that Lugia even has the Aeroblast ability plus previous fangirling over Pikachu implies a fairly decent understanding of Pokemon. Yes, typing can be confusing, but it's not that confusing.

Tommy responds with Telekenisis and tosses a small rock at her. Yes, that is a move that Latios can learn. It's also incredibly lame compared to the deforestation attack she used. She ends the 'battle' by hitting him with Whirlwind. Well, at least that move doesn't do damage, not that game mechanics mean anything in narrative, anyway.

After that, they decide to go back to that town they saw, but somehow got lost. It's also revealed that Heather bought a flute which she lost upon arrival. Obvious plot device is obvious, but hey, that's better than having no plot, right? Hopefully the story will follow up on that lead and start building up a larger conflict soon. Spoiler alert: the flute is never mentioned again.

Luck shines on them, and they spot a pony who is obviously Rainbow Dash sleeping on a cloud. Despite the fact that Tommy doesn't know how to float yet, Heather demands that he go up and talk to her, something he can't actually do.

“Could you just do it? I’ll find a way to pay you back later on if it works; even though I’ll likely regret this decision.” I asked, looking directly at Heather.

She gave me a very small glare before sighing. “I swear I have to do everything for you. It’s like you’re still a kid.” She started flapping her wings, slowly gaining altitude up to the cloud.

Obviously failing that request, she belittles him. Are you feeling the humor yet? Because I'm not.

“Finally!” Heather sighed/groaned. “You’re are a hard pony to wake up, ya know that? Look, I’m sorry for doing that, but my friend and I need help.”

“How do I know you’re not lying and just trying to take me somewhere to eat me? Huh? How?” The pony narrowed her eyes at Heather, seeing the sharp teeth as she spoke.

What's up with 'sighed/groaned'? Just pick one; don't try to use both.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash, smooth as ever, accuses the giant monster of wanting to eat her. Uh... That's not great characterization. If she really feels like her life's in danger, she'd be flying away or throwing punches, not talking. Heather has the tact of a garden hose, and 'reassures' this pony by telling her that she'd probably taste bad. Tommy inturrupts by announcing that he's giving her the nickname 'Skittles', and this somehow makes everything his fault.

“I can hear everything through your ears right now Heather! I do not approve of you calling me lame!” I barked, before snorting at Heather’s first comment.

Wait, what? He can hear through her ears? That's got to be confusing. Does he hear an echo when he talks or—no wait, he speaks telepathically. Still, this is a very strange development. It's also never mentioned again, joining the flute on the growing list of useless plot developments.

'Skittles' joins in on the belittlement, apparently insulting Tommy's cooking. That's... odd. Why in the world would she do that?

Finally introducing herself, Rainbow Dash declares herself the fastest flyer in all of Equestria. Meh. She's enough of a braggart to say that, so I won't argue.

“Either way, it sounds cool, but back to the topic that started all this ‘fun’... I STILL NEED A FRIGGIN’ BED!!” Her scream nearly caused Rainbow to jump off the cloud.

“Jeez! Calm down! I’ll get you a bed or something!” Rainbow said, as she nervously looked at Heather.

Heather huffed for a moment before coming back to her ‘proper’ senses… or at least as proper as she can be. “Sorry, I just don’t do camping. It’s absolutely horrible!”

“I completely get you my mare- Err, bird?” Rainbow shrugged slightly and looked at the position of the sun before turning the complete opposite direction that Heather and I had been going.

Wow, Heather is an absolute bitch. She screams for what she wants in all-caps with superfluous exclamation points and this is apparently acceptable because Rainbow Dash agrees with her. On top of that, she sounds even more insufferable than a flanderized, badfic Rarity.

There's some whining about having to carry Tommy because he can't fly yet and the chapter ends when they all head off to Ponyville.

By the Gods, that was awful! I haven't even made it to chapter two and this story is already eating away at my nerves.

While I have enough evidence to simply string Heather up as a Mary Sue and be done with it, that wouldn't be fair to this story. In fact, it's my belief that something far more insidious is going on. I might as well go ahead and say it.

Heather and Tommy have an abusive relationship. It's well known that HiE in general, and Displaced specifically, are fairly low on the creativity spectrum. There's a fairly high chance that one or both of these people are modeled after people in real life. Say what you want about the characterization, Heather and Tommy's personalities are both true-to-life.

I sincerely hope this isn't the case, but what would happen if Tommy was a self-insert and he was projecting his abusive partner into Heather? Abuse takes many forms, but all of them exert dominance and control over their victims. To help prove my point, I grabbed a list and filled it out.

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?

Does your partner ever….

>    Embarrass you with put-downs?

Heather belittles him.

>    Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

Tommy literally can't move without her help.

>    Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

The first thing she did was to jump-scare him.

>    Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?

AEROBLAST!!!

>    Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

The story's narrative structure itself isolates him. If you're wondering why he isn't making a fuss over wanting to go home, it's because she wouldn't tolerate it.

>    Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

N/A

>    Make all of the decisions?

Based on the description, Tommy was the one who opted to go to the convention, so no, she does not make all the decisions.

>    Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?

N/A

>    Prevent you from working or attending school?

He can't exactly attend school in Equestria. So, yeah. See above.

>    Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?

AEROBLAST!!! Lol, you're immune...but not actually.

>    Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

Well, no.

>    Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Yeah. Do I have to say 'Areoblast' again, or do you get it yet?

>    Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?

N/A

>    Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

Actually, yes. She did say 'fly or die,' and later jested about using Whirlwind to push him off a cliff.

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

That's 'yes' to nine of them. Ouch.

So what does this mean for the story's narrative? If Heather is a projection of an abusive partner, then the author's going to want to do everything to please her. This means warping the story unrealistically to suit her needs. Tommy struggles with being transformed, Heather does not. Tommy expresses 'fear shock and worry'; Heather acts like she's on vacation. Despite being initially skeptical, Rainbow Dash sided with Heather as soon as Tommy got involved in the conversation and they teamed up against him.

This story does have a decent concept of what it needs to do to be good, but it doesn't dare displease the mistress or there will be blood. Henceforth, I'm going to point out every single sign of domestic abuse that I see. And trust me, folks. This was the tame chapter. It gets much worse later on.








/story/237264/gong-yi-tem-ponies

It's worth noting that the story Allan and Dojo are from crosses over with no less than three other Displaced stories, and I don't even want to know how many those stories cross over with. The entire Displaced genre itself is nothing but one giant circle-jerk. How is this even allowed on the site? Oh wait...

Don’t Post (Genres)

• Stories written as an in-joke between a small group of people, with little relevance to anyone outside that group. Colloquially known as “circle-jerking.”

-Site Rules

It's not!

Is it any wonder that the entire genre itself earned a whopping 200% rage? Fuck you, Displaced, fuck you to hell.

Rage Review: Thanks, Mother

Hey, folks. Crusaders of the Lost Mark was certainly a fun episode, full of catchy musical numbers, character growth, and it brought to a close one of the show's longest standing plot lines. There are some folks who disagree, though, feeling as though the episode fell flat one way or another. And through the power of fanfiction, they have to freedom to reinterpret the show's canon in ways which correct these perceived slights. Thanks, Mother is one such story: a fix fic in which Diamond Tiara's character development is rolled back and she's presented as being irredeemable.

Yikes... I can't see that going over well.

Oh look, a 69:46 ratio! In all seriousness, though, this story is actually well written. Those downvotes are mostly due to the controversial subject matter. Speaking of which, let's take a look at the story itself.

While this story is presented as a "drama," it's actually somewhat chilling and would likely have been better received had it run with a "dark" tag instead. Such is a matter for speculation, though, as this story loses even more points for having an insulting description.

Diamond Tiara isn't stupid enough to do something like speak back to her mother without a plan.

Here's the first line, and it's very flatly stating that Diamond Tiara's actions in the episode itself were stupid. That's right; desiring to turn over a new leaf and making a stand for what she believes in is proof that she's dumb. According to this story, the smart thing to do is—

After all, without her, she never could have made those stupid blank flanks want to be her friend.

—dupe others into wanting to be your friend. Why? Because presumably real friendship is moronic. That's what those blank flanks wanted, and they're stupid.

I can understand that this description is presented from Diamond Tiara's perspective, but that still doesn't excuse it from flipping the bird to everything the show stands for.

The only chapter: I couldn't have done it without you

“Well, that went better than expected,” Diamond Tiara said, nodding to her butler as he pushed the door open for her. What was his name again? Jeeves? She shrugged, patting the knock-kneed pony on the shoulder as she stepped inside. “Good work.”

“Anything for you, m’lady,” the butler said, his knees quivering.

This opener does a good job of establishing Diamond Tiara's character. She's evil, conceited, and inspires fear. I like the way this story demonstrates these qualities rather than stating them, though it is sparse on detail when it comes to the setting. If the ponies aren't interacting with something, it doesn't exist. Shortly after stepping inside, she's called upstairs.

“Sit.” Spoiled Rich gestured towards one of the large, cushioned chairs in the room as she stepped back towards the door, pushing it closed and locking the latch with her teeth. “So. Do you have anything to say for yourself, young lady?”

Diamond Tiara bit her lip, her eyes welling with tears before she lifted a hoof to her face, quickly brushing it across her eyes. Instantly, her expression changed, a smile curling her lips. “Thank you, Mother. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

I mentioned before that this story has high quality writing, and this is another example. That bit about feigning tears and then 'removing the mask' is a demonstration of Diamond Tiara's stellar acting ability. This story requires the reader to accept that previously-never-seen-skill in order to buy its premise: namely that the events of the episode were fabricated for the purpose of duping the Cutie Mark Crusaders (CMC) into liking her.

What, exactly, does that mean? Well, here's a list of the show's events, according to this story's perspective:

• Diamond Tiara deliberately sabotaged her own class president election and goaded Silver Spoon into breaking up with her.

• She pretended to be admonished by her mother and feigned the entirety of that heartfelt 'Pony I Want To Be' song.

• She correctly predicted that the CMC would invite her to hang out, and that Pipsqueak would come to them for help when his proposal to fix the playground got rejected.

• She tricked them into chasing her back to the schoolhouse where she staged that fight with her mother.

• Her nice act when helping the other school ponies repair the playground was just that—an act.

• She doesn't actually believe that the CMC's new cutie marks are amazing.

That's a lot to swallow, and the story flat-out ignores the complexity and difficulty of pulling off such a sequence of events by presenting it as a done deal that's already happened in the past.

“Seriously, a pony who doesn’t know what her cutie mark means? I spent an entire year running things around here. The paper, class president last year… Don’t they even remember how I got my cutie mark?”

“Probably not. Most ponies don’t see beyond their bit pouches.” Spoiled Rich waved a hoof airily.

This story is by no means perfect, and this is the first part where the narrative fails. In order to justify Diamond Tiara's characterization, it references an event which was never shown: the origin of Diamond Tiara's cutie mark. This is an asspull, and a bad one at that. The way Spoiled Rich belittles anyone who fails to remember this event (namely the reader) is particularly irritating.

“Yes, well, such is the value of social connections.” Spoiled Rich shook her head. “After I found out that Princess Sparkle was giving those lessons away for free, I knew it was important to get in good with those blank flanks.”

Here, the story shows us the reason that Spoiled Rich wanted the CMC on her daughter's side. By the show's own standards, they are pretty special—more so than Diamond Tiara in some ways. The story builds upon that by labeling the CMC's new shield cutie marks as 'prestigious.' Regardless of motive, networking is very important for success in life and the CMC have the direct ear of a princess, along with being decent ponies themselves.

However, this story greatly undermines their competence by taking away their accomplishment of reforming Diamond Tiara. Without that, their new cutie marks are useless as everypony eventually gets a cutie mark on their own and, according to this story, there's nothing to learn about them after they appear. Thus, they essentially got their cutie marks in being stupid—a fine interpretation of the show's canon, ya?

The story also flubs Diamond Tiara's relationship with Silver Spoon pretty hard. I've always seen her as a like-minded individual and it makes sense for them to be close, but not according to this story.

“Oh, please,” Diamond Tiara flipped her hoof. “Silver Spoon is just a follower, latching onto more important ponies and doing whatever they say. It’s not like she matters.”

Spoiled Rich clicked her tongue, sliding her hoof under her daughter’s chin to look her in the eye. “Now, Diamond. What did I tell you about throwing ponies away?”

Diamond Tiara sighed. “Don’t ever throw anypony away, because you can always use them again next time.”

Diamond Tiara gets a lesson about recycling sycophants so that they can be reused later. Thus, she's required to apologize and she promises to do so in the most patronizing manner possible.

The next part is mostly talk about dresses, which is cute. One good thing about this story's interpretation of events is that it allows Diamond Tiara and her mother to be affectionate and loving towards each other. In fact, while I've been focusing on how this story relates to the episode, most of it is actually devoted to bonding moments where her mother doles out life lessons. They're quite practical, assuming that they live in a cutthroat society. The story also acknowledges that Filthy Rich is a nice pony. Of course, Spoiled Rich is quick to jump on the fact that she's just using him.

Diamond Tiara gloats about how much fun it'll be to run the student council through Pipsqueak, and the story ends when she lays out her plans for the CMC now that they're her 'friends:'

“Yeah. You remember those dumb cutie mark consulting services they have in Canterlot? Well, the Crusaders think they have some real talent there. Maybe that’s why everypony else got their cutie marks before they did.” She smiled nastily. “I’m sure there’s lots of rich ponies who are worried their colts and fillies aren’t going to get the right cutie marks who would love to get personal advice from Princess Twilight’s personal students. I’ll have to talk to dad about taking out an ad in the right paper.”

That's 'not bad' as in 'not evil.' Dumb question, but why go through the trouble of presenting Diamond Tiara as evil and unrepentant if this story was just going to end on something that reformed Diamond Tiara could easily have done?

So how well did this story do as a 'fix fic'?

It's passable. The premise might be absurd, but it still manages to make it sound plausible within canon. There are places where it diverges from the episode, but those could be fixed with a bit more polish. Notably, in the episode Diamond Tiara was not aware the CMC were watching when she slunk back home and also during her 'Pony I Want to Be' song. This story assumes that she was.

More damning is the sheer complexity of the events when viewed as a conspiracy theory. Diamond Tiara's too young to come up with such a plan by herself, and her mother shouldn't know enough about the school children to tailor a scheme to their individual personas. Perhaps Cheerilee was involved somehow? Well, it wouldn't be the first time that a public official had taken bribes.

I'd like to point out that in Twilight Time, Diamond Tiara's method of buttering up the CMC was to invite them to hang out and pamper them with the luxuries of rich ponies. That approach is vastly more sensible than a convoluted-as-heck conspiracy, and it's canon too.

The worst part though, is this story's treatment of Silver Spoon. If the point is to present a 'business as usual' Diamond Tiara, then the sensible thing would have been to keep them as friends and include her in the conspiracy. That would have worked very well with the episode itself, as Silver Spoon was used to foreshadow Diamond Tiara's redemption.

    [Silver Spoon]

        I've a tiny suggestion

        That you should be aware

        You could probably win this election

        If you show them all you real—

It doesn't take much imagination to see that the words which got cut off were 'really care.'

Instead, this story flies in the face of every episode by claiming that their friendship is a lie. On top of that, it also ignored the scene where they made up in the episode itself. No points there.

How well did this story do as a dark fic?

Okay, as a drama this story sucks because it's devoid of emotional turmoil and features like negative character growth. I did mentioned that it's somewhat chilling, though, and that's because if you accept the premise then the implications are disturbing. The CMC's victory is hollow, as Diamond Tiara is rotten to the core. She and her mother are so smart that they can twist almost anything in their favor. A world in which evil like that exists is a dark one, indeed.

However, this story failed at building upon that momentum, and kinda runs itself lame. Again, that part with Silver Spoon hurt the story, but in a different way. In the spirit of the episode itself, I'll post a song to summarize my thoughts:

Youtube Video

Yeah, it might be friendship for the wrong reason, but this story is still telling us that friendship is magic. In order to be dark, it needed to show us why that type of friendship is bad. Without that, the story lost its teeth. The ending in which Diamond Tiara explains her plan for the CMC also suffers the same problem. What's the point of using evil Diamond Tiara if her actions are indistinguishable from the reformed version? It's like this story doesn't even want her to be evil, but that's completely incongruous with its premise wherein she flawlessly executed a devious plan with genius-level manipulation to chilling effect.

To fix that, the story could have hinted at how badly Diamond Tiara was going to abuse their trust. For example, if it presented a scenario in which she planned to pull the plug on their business partnership, leave them hanging with all the problems, and go on to rub in just how useless their cutie marks are, it could have been very dark, indeed. Instead, we just got an insulting story which was better at patronizing the episode than establishing its own atmosphere.

I'm less than impressed. First of all, as a fix fic, it's pretty harsh about asserting its opinion and it fails to respect the source material. Yes, that's mostly the description's fault, but a poor description can easily taint one's opinion of the whole story. Secondly, after establishing that Diamond Tiara escaped reformation (however convoluted that process was), it failed to properly make use of that by presenting a scenario which would have worked well regardless of her morality.

I may have harped on that a lot, but the story does actually have a reason for going that route. You see, what it really wants is for you, the reader, to buy into its warped views and accept its vile headcanon as your own. By presenting a path which allows the evil Diamond Tiara to appear nice on the surface, she can continue to remain evil behind the scenes in your head regardless of what the show does with her in the future. This, I fear, belies the true purpose for which story was written: to avert charge and preserve the status quo. To this, I say:

Get over it.

Certified Flamebait Ribbon • Here's an idea: let's take a popular episode, gut it, and flush all the character growth down the toilet.

Art Of The Fanfic Award • Yes, this story does qualify. It has excellent grammar (point 1), builds upon canon events (point 4), definitively takes place in the pony world (point 5), and keeps Diamond Tiara in-character based on her appearances in previous episodes (point 6).

Conspicuous Contrivances Award • The story deserves this medal for claiming that the events of the episode were the result of a conspiracy and then claiming that the entire plan went off without a hitch.

Rage Review: One Stormy Night

When you're small, even the tiniest of things can terrify in the deepening darkness of dusk. Shadows loom, grow, and merge, forming monstrous shapes which palpitate your tiny heart. Everyone tells you there's nothing to fear, but left alone, your heart won't listen. You know that there are wild beasts full of glaring eyes and sharp teeth lurking in the darkness, ready to gobble you up at any moment. And when it storms...

Wild, wind-blown sheets of water batter the windows, driven by a ferocious unseen force strong enough to bow over even the mightiest of trees. The walls creek and groan. Lightning flashes, bright as the sun. A wall of thunder crashes so hard that your house shakes as if slugged by a giant fist.

Can anyone blame you for screaming and running to mommy?

Today's story, One Stormy Night, wishes to capture that precious moment of raw child-rated fear and bring us back in time to re-experience it. We shall see how well it does.

Sorry about all the broken images. I assume they're working on a fix, but until then you'll have to click to see them.

A little unicorn wakes up one night scared by a storm raging outside her window.

Well, that's certainly an apt description, but it lacks any kind of personality. There's no attempt to connect with the character outside of telling us that she exists. I have a feeling that this is going to be a dry read.

by Nugget

There was a storm raging outside the window of a little filly’s home.

The story starts with, uh, a fancy mustache, for some reason. After that, we have a weather report. Yes, yes. This story is about the weather, but the opening line is the best chance to hook the readers. First impressions matter, and a good opener will set the mood and bring us into the mindset of the protagonist. Blandly describing scenery doesn't help.

While the raindrops were tapping against the glass with a charismatic rhythm that matched the chaos of the weather’s natural symphony, the thunder roared with an alarming flash of sound and light, managing to wake up a young unicorn from her slumber. Scared awake by the intensity of the downpour, she immediately clung to her Woona doll and quivered in a fetal position at the back of her bed. She tried to stay as far away from her window as she possibly could.

The second paragraph is better, but could use some polishing. It starts off with florid poetic description, but quickly trips up with some awkward verbiage. "managing to wake up" could be replaced with "startling" and it would flow better, for example. Also, words like 'immediately' can be pruned to tighten the narrative. See here for advice on eradicating unnecessary words (item #2).

I'm also wondering about that Woona doll. Why, in America, it's almost impossible to go anywhere without seeing those 'Wets-Itself' Barak O'Baby dolls that just fly off the shelves. What's that? Such things don't actually exist? That's a shame.

However, no matter how many times she continued to brace herself and scream for every blast of thunder that echoed throughout her room, the conditions outside were not letting up and she was quickly needing the comfort of something else that wasn’t artificial.

This feels a little rushed, as it glosses over her trying to be brave and gradually losing her nerve with each new clap of thunder. Also, distinguishing between real and artificial comfort sounds too intellectual for a little filly. When the narration is scholarly, it's harder to identify with the equine form of few years that's producing adrenaline in response to weather-induced flight-or-fight stimulation.

Anyway, the kid sneaks past her toys (for some reason) and into her parent's bedroom.

She slowly nudged his shoulder, “Daddy… Daddy, I’m scared!”  

“Wah…. uhhh, I… a… eh… ummm…” were the only things he could mutter out as he slowly opened his eyes, just barely enough to see his little daughter looking at him with trembling eyes and having a mouth that was curled up and almost pouting.

I like the situation that plays out here. The descriptions are a little light, but they portray an anxious child and reluctant parent well. She wants to sleep with him, and he'd rather not be bothered.

“And you think that curling up with me will make things all better?” he asked, still half-asleep.

“Yes it will!” She recalled, “You have said that you will always protect me from anything scary and that you will always be there for me! You promised, you promised, you promised!”

The father sighed. It seemed to him that his own words have come back to make him regret saying them, as if he should have not said anything to begin with. However, if there was any duty that a father must fulfill, it had to be being there for their children regardless of how ridiculous the circumstances may be. Even if their child was just demanding to sleep with them.  

The narration does remain clunky in places, though. 'Recalled' is a terrible saidism as it's not even a speaking verb! Try to avoid words like 'seemed' as they make the story vague and wishy-washy. Another tip is to read the story aloud and listen to how it sounds. "it had to be being there for their" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Try to rephrase stuff like that. Also, the genderless plural pronoun 'their' is taking the place of a single, gendered person: 'father'. Don't do that.

He agrees to her demand and coaxes her back to sleep next to him. At this point, the mother wakes up and they have a short talk.

“Another sleepless night?” the unicorn mare whispered.

He nodded his head.

The mare giggled before leaning into her husband and kissing him on the muzzle. “You look so cute when you are frustrated,” she said after their embrace.

He whispered back, “This all comes as part of the territory, raising this little bundle of trouble and joy.”

This part is also done well. It shows the love they have for each other and their daughter without being overbearing or feeling hamfisted. The talk doesn't last long, and switches to light banter before fading off.

Silence had fallen between the three as the mare and stallion both laid next to each other with their daughter being the only obstacle that separated them.

...and more awkwardness. The past perfect tense is different from the past tense with regards to when actions take place. "He had eaten a greasy sandwich before he wiped his mouth on his necktie," for example. Joining the two tenses together with the 'as' conjunction which implies simultaneous action just doesn't work.

The story ends with a mutual declaration of love, and that's it.

Okay, so this story turned out to be more of a family bonding moment than one of childhood fears. I blame my slightly mistaken impression on that rather terse description.

Rage Level 20% - Indifferent Derpy

This is a short and simple story that sets out to do one thing and accomplishes it. It's not exactly groundbreaking, but it's cute and sweet and for a slice of life piece, that's all it really needs to be. The characterization is good, and while the prose can be florid at times, that's spotty and we're usually left with less-than-optimal detail. All I really know about this family is that the girl's a white unicorn with teal magic, father's an earth pony, and the mother's a unicorn. That's it. We don't even get names.

Outside of the awkward phrasing, that's probably the story's biggest problem. It's just so generic. There's no individuality and it just lacks that personal touch. You could swap the characters with pretty much any other family and still tell the same story. In fact, much of the dialogue wouldn't be out of place on greeting cards.

I feel like this story would have had a stronger impact if it had taken the time to focus on an established character such as Rarity, Twilight, or Scootaloo. As is, I'm mostly just indifferent to it.

The Seal of Derpproval - Under 30% rage.

Diabetic's Nightmare Medal - Little kid shenanigans.

Hallmark Approved - The best kind of love is greeting card love.

Review Recommendations

Yes, we have a recommended folder, but not everyone can add to it. Also, the reason someone adds a story might not be apparent at first glance. In this thread, feel free to point out stories you see and why they caught your eye. Quick reminder—stories under one week old cannot be added/reviewed.

Lost in Darkness

This story is a literal wall of edge. Not only that, but in an accompanying blog post, the author admits to its being a self-insert as well. It has a typical self-inserty plot too, where the hero (Sombra) saves the damsel in distress (Derpy) from a monster (a hydra). He then lectures her about her low self-esteem. Derpy's co-worker who tripped her while they running from the hydra decides that she needs to die and tries to kill her. Sombra intervenes, gets into a battle with his own darkness, and is saved by love. The end.

Quote from story (first paragraph):

Pain, torment, utter agony. The shadows within him blazed and burned. It had not been like this since he first fell to the shadows. He could see the light, it scared him. It was painful. Too painful to look at. The pain was more than just how it burned away at his tainted soul, he could see their faces, every last one of them. He could hear their screams. WHY? He got what he wanted, security for the empire. Nopony alive could take what he loved away from him. Nopony... but himself. Their eyes make it stop!, why can I not stop seeing their eyes? Bloody and down cast. Their eyes looked up only in fear and submission. He loved his people but he still did this.

Quote from the blog post:

My latest story Lost in the Darkness is being misunderstood, a lot. People tend to look at it and think it is as they called it a "crack ship" Yes, it has an odd coupling and its a pseudo romance.

However, the thing that is not seen here and this is the personal thing. Its actually based very strictly on a true story. MY story. Almost every event, line, and character within is based on a real experience and or person. I grew up with a whole hell of a lot of darkness in my life. Pain and abuse, after that I joined the military and I saw even more.

better season 5 end

No, it's not capitalized. In fact, there are no capital letters in the description, either. Some poor sap proofread the story itself, so it's not all bad, but still kinda iffy. The writing is better than the rating suggests, but that's because the story is presented as a fix fic and fails at living up to its promise.

Here's a brief plot summary:

It starts with Twilight entering her map chamber and getting confronted by Starlight, who hits her with a spell, similar to the episode. Spike gets left behind. There's no time loop; Twilight just gets sent to an AU where the rainboom didn't happen, and Starlight follows her. She agrees to Starlight's revenge scheme, presumably as a ruse to build friendship. Then they get captured by Nightmare Moon. Starlight convinces Nightmare Moon to take her on as an apprentice, and... I didn't care to read anymore past that point.

Twilight is very one-dimensional in this story. Her dialogue consists almost entirely of "Friend! Friend. Friend?" At the point I stopped, Starlight Glimmer was having second thoughts so it seemed fairly obvious where the story was headed. Here's a quote:

"Ohohohahahahaha, you think you can openly bribe me on my throne? You are fearless aren't you?" Her smile was wide now.

"{Good she thinks I'm fearless, I was about to start shaking actually...} Not bribe, it's more like a purchase of loyalty. Here's my offer, I'll tell you everything you want to know," She gave the Nightmare a smirk, "and you make me, you're apprentice."

What's Inside a Black Hole?

Hey, folks. I thought I'd try my hoof at unlocking one of the mysteries of universe: namely, what's inside a black hole. Most ponies would state that it's impossible to know because light can't escape from a black hole and we'd never be able to see and la la la la la I can't hear you—also, I want a bazillion apples pre-cored, pre-peeled at dawn tomorrow or the diva ditches your dippy planetoid. Okay, so maybe that's just Svengallop.

Anyway, my knowledge of relativity is mostly limited to the wikipedia article. I'm not asking if what follows makes sense, because relativity usually doesn't, but if you do see an obvious error or point of contention, please point it out. Even with my limited knowledge, I did reach some interesting conclusions. There's a TLDR version at the bottom too.

Ever since the discovery of gravity waves, I've been wondering about true nature of black holes. What are they like? What's inside? Would anypony care if we tossed in Svengallop? (Apologies to anypony who likes Svengallop)

I did some research on Einstein's theory of relativity, and to my surprise, I came up with something. For simplicity, the equations I've used assume that the black hole has neither spin nor electrical charge. Adding these other properties can shrink the event horizon, but can't make it go away entirely (because then you'd have a naked singularity.) It's the properties of the event horizon itself that are important for this discussion—the size only effects the black hole's density, not the relativistic forces which determine how matter is distributed inside of it.

My hypothesis can be boiled down to this: the matter/spin/charge inside of a black hole is distributed in such a way that the escape velocity from any point inside can never exceed the speed of light.

This is a bit different from conventional wisdom which states that black holes are point-sized objects with infinite density. Before I go any further, a point I want to make clear is that gravity warps both space and time. Objects bend towards a gravitational field, and time slows down. These effects are extreme around a black hole. To get an idea of what that looks like, here's a simulation showing a merger:

Youtube Video

This movie shows the inspiral and merger of two black holes comparable to GW150914. Shown are the horizons of the black holes as black spheres, and a representation of the warped space-time geometry as the colored surface. One hemisphere of the black hole horizons is colored, highlighting the change of rotation axis during the inspiral. The height of the colored surface illustrates curvature of space, the colors from red to green indicate how much time is slowed down near black holes, and the blue and purple colors at larger distance show gravitational waves propagating away.

This slowing down of time is known as gravitational time dilation, and has been proven by direct measurement. This is one of the results predicted by Einstein's theory of special relativity. Now now, don't let your eyes glaze over. It's actually less complicated than it sounds. To start off with, let's compare time an arbitrary distance from a gravitating object with time for an observer standing on it (assuming it's a non-charged, non-rotating sphere.) [wiki link]

is the proper time between events A and B for a slow-ticking observer within the gravitational field.

is the coordinate time between events A and B for a fast-ticking observer at an arbitrarily large distance from the massive object (this assumes the fast-ticking observer is using Schwarzschild coordinates, a coordinate system where a clock at infinite distance from the massive sphere would tick at one second per second of coordinate time, while closer clocks would tick at less than that rate).

is the gravitational constant.

is the mass of the object creating the gravitational field.

is the radial coordinate of the observer (which is analogous to the classical distance from the center of the object, but is actually a Schwarzschild coordinate).

is the speed of light.

For black holes, is the Schwarzschild radius of , also known as the event horizon. Thus, you can simplify this further but substituting that in.

To get a sense of what that looks like, here's a graph.

The effect of this time dilation is generally weak up until you get close to the event horizon where it rapidly plummets to zero. The value is always less than one, because that is the length of time for an object at infinite distance as measured by an observer within the gravitational field. When this value reaches zero, time effectively stops, meaning that an infinite amount of time could pass in the outside world and the observer would never witness it.

Thus, objects falling into a black hole would only be able to get as far as the event horizon before they become stuck, frozen in time and unable to fall in any further. Nothing might be able to escape a black hole, but nothing can enter one, either.

However, the event horizon can grow as the black hole eats more matter, so as it expands it will eventually swallow this frozen matter. What happens to it then? Well, let's take another look at that equation and continue plotting time dilation for distances where is inside the event horizon.

The blue line is plotted in imaginary units. Imaginary time? What does that mean?

Well, imaginary numbers can be helpful for understanding some phenomena, but in the case of black holes, this is a nonsense answer. To put it in perspective, gravitational time dilation due to mass M is equal to the relativistic time dilation of an object moving at the escape velocity from mass M. Inside the event horizon, the escape velocity is greater than the speed of light. That's silly; nothing can move faster than the speed of light. So this equation isn't helpful; something else must be going on.

To find the real answer, let's change perspectives and look at things from an object falling into a black hole. Reaching the event horizon is equivalent to traveling at the speed of light, so here's a blurb describing what that would be like. [source]

Well, if you used all the energy in the Universe for your spaceship, you could probably get up to speeds incredibly close to the speed of light. How close? The speed of light is exactly 299,792,458 meters/second. And you could get to within about 1 x 10^-30 meters/second of that value — pretty good. If you got that fast, though, what would happen? First, the entire Universe would contract to appear to only be a few billion kilometers across — less than one light year! Second, time would slow down so much, that as you would only age a few seconds, the Universe would age literally trillions of years. Galaxies would merge, stars would be born and explode in the blink of an eye. And finally, you may get to see the fate of the Universe firsthand; if the Universe has an end, you would slow down time for yourself so much that you might not only see it, you might do it in just a few seconds.

Please note that bit about witnessing the end of the universe. Seeing the entire history of the universe in an instant is what it means to be an observer who's effectively frozen in time. Now let's get back to that black hole. Due to gravitational time dilation, a massive object falling in would witness the end of the universe before crossing the event horizon, meaning, it can't.

But what about objects without mass? Light's already traveling at the speed of light, so it doesn't experience time anyway. Can it cross an event horizon? Well, no. The reason for that is similar.

Light trying to escape from a black hole experiences gravitational redshifting.

[Unedited image source]

This picture shows what that's like for a black hole with a radius of 3km. At 10km out, if Svengallop gives off visible light, it will shift into the radio spectrum to an observer at 10,000 km. To see visible light at that distance, he'd have to give off x-rays. This process also happens in reverse, so at 10km out, if Svengallop had a jetpack that let him hover there, he'd be able to directly observe radio waves, while normally visible light would instead bombard him as x-rays. Aren't black holes fun?

Here's what the actual equation governing that looks like [source]:

That limit of r approaching infinity is just a fancy way of stating that the observer is at an arbitrary distance from the black hole. Re, in this case, is the radial distance from the center where the photon is emitted. rs is the Schwarzschild radius (event horizon) and ve is the initial frequency. For light, frequency and energy are essentially the same thing. If you scroll back up, you'll note that this equation looks similar to the one for gravitational time dilation. This is because frequency is measured in Hertz (cycles per second), and because this type of redshifting is caused by gravitational time dilation.

At the event horizon, the observed frequency is always zero regardless of the energy emitted. This is consistent with the concept of the event horizon being the place beyond which no light can escape. However, this process is reversible, so if you start with a fixed value of vr and solve instead for ve, you'll see that the energy of the photon becomes infinite at the event horizon.

If it's not possible for ordinary matter to achieve infinite energy, then it shouldn't be possible for a photon, either. Thus, neither ordinary matter nor light can even reach the event horizon, let alone cross it. Anything that tries to enter hits a cosmic speed limit, gets put in 'time out', and is benched until the end of the universe.

This mass increases the size of the event horizon, so new matter that falls in would get trapped at a greater distance than the old matter. If you assume that this new matter accumulates with uniform density, its gravitational pull will cancel out due to the inverse square law of gravitation inside a sphere. Thus, no point inside a black hole will have an escape velocity greater than that of the speed of light.

If that's true, then what's really inside?

Supposing that you could violate physics and journey to the center of a black hole anyway, what would you see? Well, on the surface you'd see the most recently accumulated matter, such as Svengallop because his jetpack ran out of fuel and he fell in. Layered under that, you'd see slightly older matter that got accumulated before the event horizon expanded, such as the exhaust from his jetpack. Beneath that would be older matter still. In fact, as you got closer and closer to the center, you'd witness the entire history of the black hole in reverse. In the very center would be the event which created it in the first place.

Another thing you'd witness is increasing density. The radius of the event horizon increases linearly in proportion to mass (), but the volume of a sphere increases proportionally to the radius cubed (Volume = (4/3) (pi)(radius)^3). Density is mass/volume, so if you do a little math, you'll note that averaged density is proportional to 1/(M^2). Halfway in, the mass of the black hole inside that radius is also half, but the volume is only an eighth, so the average density of the mass inside the halfway point would increase by a factor of four compared to the average density of the entire black hole.

In conclusion, while conventional wisdom might state that black holes are point-like objects of infinite density, this is clearly not the case. In fact, they are onion-like objects containing matter and energy frozen in timeless space. Weird, huh?

So what happens when two black holes collide? Someone gets an aneurysm, that's what.

TLDR version:

Key points:

• Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.

• Standing upon a gravitating mass is equivalent to traveling at the escape velocity from that mass.

• At the event horizon, the escape velocity is equal to the speed of light.

This has some interesting effects:

• It's impossible for anything to cross the event horizon and enter the black hole. Doing so would increase the mass inside that radius which would cause the escape velocity to exceed the speed of light. This is forbidden because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.

• At the event horizon, time comes to a complete stop. An observer standing on the event horizon would witness the end of the universe in an instant.

• Back holes can grow, but new mass can only be added to the surface, where it gets frozen in timeless space. The gravitational pull from this newly accumulated matter layered above the older matter cancels out such that the escape velocity speed limit is preserved even inside the expanding event horizon.

• Given that newly accreted matter always sits above older matter, if you could peel the black hole apart like an onion, you'd witness its entire history in reverse.

• Black holes are not point-sized objects of infinite density. To actually achieve that, the event horizon would also have to be point-sized, meaning that you'd have a naked singularity. The actual density increases as you get closer to the center in accordance with preserving the escape velocity speed limit.

• Einstein > Svengallop.

Rage Review: Growth of the CMC: For Better or Worse

Love 'em or hate 'em, the Cutie Mark Crusaders round off the mane six to compliment the show's more adult themes with little kid stuff. They're fun-loving, rambunctious fillies designed around eating their way into the hearts of that all-important little girl demographic (and subsequently parents' wallets). While in canon they're more or less stuck at the same age forever, in fanfiction it can fun to explore what the future holds for them and the struggles they'll face along the way. Today's story, Growth of the CMC: For Better or Worse, attempts to tackle some of those growing pains.

Writing descriptions for a story can be tricky, as one has to summarize what the story's about without giving too much away and provide a decent hook in the process. This is especially true in the short description where there's limited space. Half of this one tells us something we already know, while the other half repeats the title. That's not terrible, but it does leave much to be desired, especially with the somewhat awkward phrasing.

The long description isn't much better, as it does much the same thing but with three paragraphs instead of two sentences. This is the only part that isn't superfluous:

With their newfound marks, this also was but one step into adulthood and suddenly their friendship takes a turn for the better or worse. What will they now that their friendship goes forward with ideas of adulthood ahead and of a love life? Will their strong friendship become more than just friends or will it break as time marches on? Only fate knows what will be in store for these three fillies...

The awkward phrasing becomes a bullhorn, but it does go into more detail by mentioning that their friendship will be strained by romance. This is a good concept, as friendship and love are closely related, and as kids grow up the latter can grow from the former. Granted, little kids who spend a lot of time together often think of each other as siblings and that can put a huge damper on romance, but it's still possible.

The title of the first chapter, "Romantic Worries," helps clarify the focus of this story, along with the romance tag and the link to the Hearts and Hooves Day contest. Actually, these other clues are more informative than the description! Fail. Is it really that hard to say something like this: "Growing up isn't easy—especially when your closest friends start to make your heart flutter. Can the Cutie Mark Crusaders cope with this newfound growth, or will the shock of impending romance drive them apart for good?" Note: I spoiler tagged this because it wasn't immediately obvious if the ship was real or a misunderstanding, and I used my power of hindsight to clear that up. Reading on, you'll see why I was confused.

EDIT: This is in the Popular Stories list on 1/21/16... won't last long but damn, my first story to be in that list...

Oh boy... Bragging about being featured is one thing, but this?

This makes me worried about the story's quality and could easily turn away potential readers.

Before I go on, I need to mention that the last chapter is called, "A Friendship Rekindled," so I already know that everything is going to work out in the end. While naming chapters is a nice touch, try to avoid putting spoilers in them.

Anyway, "Romantic Worries" begins with what appears to be third version of the story's description. This one, in five paragraphs, focuses on how the supposed romance effects their friendship.

The friendship they made together once forged and burning as bright as the Sun itself was now being torn by one part to their development into adulthood, an unrequited love for one another. It was all thanks to Diamond for bringing this topic up for them. She couldn’t blame her though, she saw it as a possibility and they couldn’t deny it as well.

Dumb question, but if this 'love' is mutually unrequited, then what's the problem? They can't all be 'oh noes, the other two love me, but I don't love them back!' or they'll very quickly realize that there's no problem in the first place. One would hope. Well, these are the CMC...

The story, despite not having done anything, jumps back in time one month to when their troubles began. Supposedly it will expand upon the scene mentioned above, but it still struggles to get its footing. It immediately goes off on a tangent and rambles for a bit about Diamond Tiara's reformation. Then, Diamond and the CMC laugh about Rainbow Dash being Scootaloo's mentor instead of sister (for some reason). No, I don't get it either, but it's apparently so funny that they laughed for 'what seemed like hours.'

Even if that had been an actually funny joke, that's a hugely disproportionate response. Ponies don't laugh for 'hours'. They laugh for like fifteen seconds, tops. Less even.

Anyway, the CMC do their group hug thing, and this is apparently gay, because Diamond Tiara says so, but she says it in way they don't understand.

[Diamond] couldn’t but let a sigh escape and smile at her first friend, “Going well, just right now I’m telling them about them being fit together to be a herd.”

Silver looked to the CMC first trying to understand what she meant. She clearly saw the intention and in all honesty, even that hasn’t slipped her mind though she never thought of it being bought up now. Diamond was about to tell them about the knowledge of herds when silver cut her off, “You do realize that the whole class hasn’t gone through that course right? For good reason too might I add?”

Setting aside the plot for a moment, this story likes to engage in head-hopping. Despite the fact that Silver Spoon only just appeared, we now know what she's thinking, and we also know what Diamond Tiara was thinking about saying in the same paragraph. Constantly jumping around like this is jarring and damaging to immersion.

And yeah, 'herds' are apparently a thing in this story. At least it looks like mutual love rather than a shameless excuse for polygamy. Also, Cheerilee apparently only teaches sex ed selectively to some students and not others, because, ya know, some kids just need to figure that stuff out on their own, I guess. It's not like that'll ever be a problem or anything. [/sarcasm]

This might become a problem for those three? Diamond was trying to understand what her friend was suggesting. Sure, maybe this was a bit too early to learn, but sooner or later, they would’ve learned about it anyhow. Especially now that they got their cutie marks meaning that they just took the first step into adulthood. So what seems to be the matter about this knowledge? She couldn’t help but try to satiate her curiosity, “What do you mean this might be a problem for those three Silver Spoon? You know as well as I do that they would’ve learned it anyhow, so I decided to tell them about it. Especially now that they gotten their cutie marks meaning that they took their first step into adulthood. What’s to stop them from making that second step?”

Another problem with this story is its repetitiveness. One of the easiest ways to bore people is to repeat what was already said. Copying the first half of this paragraph and putting quotes around it does not make for an engaging read. Literally everything before the quotation marks is unnecessary.

The rest of this chapter is devoted to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon arguing about whether the CMC are ready for love or not, and they come up with some kind of plan in case things go sour. Yeah, they have to plan ahead so that the main driving conflict of this story can't do any lasting harm. It's kinda like trying to hype up the outcome of an auto race when we know for a fact that none of the cars have gas in them. A gripping thriller, this is not.

Silver’s head was pulled closer to her friend as she whispered her plan to her. The plan that Diamond has in store registered to Silver and she couldn’t hold back a smile as she listened to it all. As soon as she was done, she backed away still wearing her smile, “Diamond Tiara, you are a genius…”

“I know! Let’s just hope it doesn’t go down that though…” Her gray filly friend nodded. They did their signature handshake while saying their lines. It had been a while since they had done that and it was gratifying to do so.

Handshake? Really? I know what it's trying to say, but still...

You know, by this story's own logic, these two are flamin' gay. After all, bumping rumps is a lot more risque than a group hug. Just sayin'.

Before I move on to the next chapter, I'm going to complain about how this one is structured. It consists of three main parts, where the first part hypes up the romantic tension, the second part shows the scene where the CMC talk to Diamond Tiara, and the third part shows the scene where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon talk to each other. Of these three parts, only the second one actually advanced the plot.

The first part is unnecessary because, as I said, it's basically another version of the story's description. There are better ways to build conflict than by saying, "This is teh conflict, lolz!", like, ya know, actually having the characters interact with each other and showing the conflict take place.

The third part is even worse, as it hurts the pacing by taking up half the chapter, reiterates the conflict again, and tries to kill it by actively plotting against it. Now, there's nothing wrong with including Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon as part of the eventual solution, but it would make much, much more sense for them to wait until there actually is a problem before they start trying to solve it. Right now, there's no guarantee that the CMC will even bother to look up what 'herd' means (or find ponies willing to tell them). This makes the ex-bullies appear psychic for predicting the future.

The next chapter's called "Learning About Love", and it's the longest one at 4,582 words. It might be a lot shorter if it didn't waste like five paragraphs blathering on and on about saying 'thank you,' but I digress...

Seriously though, this story has a love of exploring tangents. While it's true that adding extra details can flesh characters out and add depth, dwelling on those same details can diminish the story's focus. Think of it this way: if the story was playing a game, it'd be one of those players who insists on breaking all of the blocks on every level looking for secrets. After a certain point, the people watching your Let's Play video are going to get the impression that the game is not about defeating Booser and rescuing Damsel, but about breaking stuff and collecting coins.

After that awkward conversation with Diamond Tiara about… whatever she was about to tell them about, they left the school grounds. For now, the word herd was lingering in their thoughts. Just what did Diamond mean by the three of them being fit together to be a herd? The Cutie Mark Crusaders wanted answers to that question and, as Silver Spoon suggested; either Twilight or their siblings could answer that question.

Speaking of awkward conversations... I've mentioned awkward phrasing several times now, so this is as good a time as any to point out a specific example. The story latches onto the phrase 'being fit together to be a herd' and it's incredibly clunky. Just say something like 'they're acting like a herd,' or 'they'd make a perfect herd,' or even 'they're a herd.' Pretty much anything other than making it sound like they're trying to assemble a puzzle would do. I get the impression that English is not the author's first language.

Back to the story, the CMC, rather than asking around to answer that question, randomly take a philosophy break and sit around pondering the meaning of life—because they have short attention spans, or something. While I can appreciate that they're wondering what to do with their lives after having earned their cutie marks, this is very poor timing for such a discussion on the story's part. It makes them look like they're not interested in learning about the whole 'herd' thing. From an organizational standpoint, this scene would have worked better as the story's opener rather than appearing the middle to interrupt everything.

Well, Scootaloo's plan for the future is flying a little higher, but who cares about that? The main point of this scene is so that they can splash in the fountain, get wet, and ogle each other.

The three kept on splashing one another for what felt like an eternity to them. After a few minutes of splashing each other, they stopped and stepped out of the fountain. All three look upon each other in their soaked state. Something within their minds clicked but they weren’t so sure what it was. They stared at each other for some time admiring their drenched bodies. Shades of red were beginning to rise upon their faces as they looked away from each other weakly laughing. They shook off the water and the sudden feelings begun to fade away as well as their blushing faces. The feeling did bother the three of them a bit but they were more baffled as to why it came to them. Regardless of this detail, they decided to continue the conversation before their fun in the water while trekking to Twilight’s castle. Sweetie cleared her throat as she begun to speak though the topic was something all three shared, “So, um… what was that feeling we felt when we… um, looked at each other while soaked?”

Wow. So much for that 'unrequited love.' Pro tip: if you don't know what words mean, then don't use them.

I have to admit that this is a much better way of showing that they're interested in each other than just declaring it after a group hug. This is yet another reason that this scene would be better at the start, as it helps define their relationship so that we, as readers, will know what to expect from them as the story progresses. Up until this point I assumed that their infatuation was going to be a simple misunderstanding, but now I know it's real. Also, Sweetie Belle can read minds.

Well, after this, they get back on track to go see Twilight. And, like, they're all chaos gods or something, because they leave a trail of destruction in their wake—just by walking. Seriously. I'm not making this up. See for yourself:

In their thought process, craziness ensued around them such as some crashing carriages, ponies running into each other by accident as they were avoiding the three fillies, and many things unaccounted for. By the time they reached the crystalline steps, they raised their heads agreeing with each other that Discord could possibly understand Pinkie’s odd antics unbeknownst to them that behind them was a clutter of chaos. One that Discord would either be glad it happened or be a little bit jealous at him being left out of it.

This is amusing, if a bit random. I'm not sure that the desire for them to continue causing chaos even after they've earned their cutie marks is enough to justify giving them a superpower, though. It's also contradictory to this story's stated intentions. The CMC aren't growing if they're staying the same. Just sayin'.

Well, they finally reach Twilight, but flake out instead of asking her what 'herd' means. There's zero reason for that, as nobody's given them any indication that this might be forbidden or dangerous knowledge. This puts Twilight in an awkward position, and they finally do ask the question when she threatens to leave.

Then, it's Twilight's turn to pussyfoot around. She grills them about why they want to know, and when she finds out, she decides to play matchmaker. Her answer to their question is to give them a picture book. Seriously? What, exactly, does she give them? Karma Sutra's Illustrated Guide to Herds—You Know—for Kids? It's nothing terrible—just kissing—but that still grosses them out. If she'd flat-out said that a 'herd' is a group of ponies who love each other, then perhaps they wouldn't be quite so repulsed.

Well, having learned what they came for, they put the pieces together and realize they're falling in love with each other. This, quite frankly, frightens them.

“Yeah see you two back here…someday.” Sweetie was not confident in her words. She looked back at the two who were walking away from each other and heading back home. She looked away and returned to the boutique feeling very conflicted. It was here, that their friendship begun to tear apart and left them conflicted.

That's a good way of ending this chapter, as it sets up a new conflict that keeps the reader interested in what's going to happen next.

However, due to having been explicitly told what was going to happen back at the start of the first chapter, I already know that this is going to drive a wedge in their friendship and it's going to last a month, at which point Diamond Tiara will fix everything with whatever she's planning. Knowing this kinda kills the impact and turns what could be a heart-wrenching experience into a groan-fest. Look, there's a reason that foreshadowing is often symbolic or otherwise subtle. That's all I'm sayin'.

Well, I guess the author felt the same way, because this period of increased tension which drives them apart is skipped completely. The next chapter, "Repenting Mistakes" starts 'about' four weeks later, which is an odd way of saying one month, but anyway...

This chapter's devoted to Diamond Tiara. If you're wondering why she'd wait an entire month to do anything when she both expected the CMC to drift apart and had a plan for it, it's because she lied. She has no plan. Her entire idea consists of telling Cheerilee what happened, and she waited so long because she was worried that she'd get in trouble for breaking them up.

Okay, so technically Diamond Tiara does have a nominal plan: getting other ponies to do her job for her, but it's not what I'd call genius level and this makes Silver Spoon look like a shameless sycophant for overreacting. Yes, some authors do portray Silver Spoon that way, but it's inconsistent with her prior characterization in this story.

As for Cheerilee? She's actually pretty chill.

Cheerilee’s smile never faded from her as she pulled up a picture showing the Cutie Mark Crusaders, their siblings, and ponies of all kind being there for the picture. Diamond and Silver saw the picture and couldn’t help but smile a bit seeing it. The fuchsia mare looked at the picture for a few seconds before responding, “The way they’re acting is normal for almost anypony who hasn’t gotten through love before. They’re conflicted on whether to accept their friendship growing into romantic territory right you two?” They nodded to her answer. She lowered the picture back to her desk as she stood up from her chair, “We all go through this on our first time that is a fact. But if we can push it and remind them that being romantically involved is not such a bad thing, then their friendship will return with renewed vigor.”

On the surface, that looks like good advice, except when you consider the specific circumstance. After the whole love poison fiasco, Cheerilee pressured the CMC into confessing that shipping ponies is bad, and here she is, plotting to do much the same thing herself. Yes, she does have an interest in helping her students grow up to be the best possible ponies they can be, but this goes well beyond mere advice. Continuing on, she decides to conspire with the CMC's sisters in a plot to bring them back together, presumably romantically. In doing so, she's circumventing their parents (grandmare in Apple Bloom's case) to tell them whom they should love.

That's taboo. Cheerilee could take some serious heat for doing that, and given her previous stance on matters of love, it doesn't make any sense. I think this story wanted to lend an air a legitimacy to the ship so it brought in a respected authority figure to support it, but in doing so, it just made Cheerilee act out of character. For shame.

More realistically, the best thing Cheerilee could do here is to stick with advice, encourage them to talk it over with their families, and let them work things out on their own. If they want to be romantic—that's fine, if not—that's fine too. What they shouldn't do is keep avoiding each other, because that's been causing them more grief then just making a decision and getting it over with.

Before I go on, I'd like to at least touch on the matter on homophobia since this story doesn't seem interested in doing so. Sorry, Fluttershy, but your assistance is required.

Thank you, dear. It's entirely possible that Cheerilee could act like this:

No. I would not expect her to, but homophobia is also a natural reaction and it isn't exactly uncommon, either, but not in this story. Here, the ship is all-important. All hail the ship! Literally everyone in this story wants the CMC to start making out, except, perhaps, for the CMC themselves. (But they totally do—the universal blush-at-the-sight-of-each-other demands it!)

Yes, this is a fantasy world and the author does have the freedom to mold it to the story, but if elements are missing purely for the sake of convenience it can hurt immersion. It starts to look less like a real situation and more like shameless wish-fulfillment. I might be judging too quickly, but the signs so far are discouraging. Perhaps the story will yet surprise me. Perhaps at least one of the sisters will show an inherent homophobic bias by asking the younger to reconsider, or by sounding openly supportive but privately wondering what went wrong, or something else, but I doubt it. Spoiler: The worst we see is a brief period of denial from Applejack. Once the initial shock wears off, they all support the ship.

By the way, I'd be even more upset with the existence of a strawman thrown in simply to prove that homophobia is bad. Yes, it is bad, but the strawman argument is plain bad storytelling. In that regard, avoiding the matter altogether is perhaps the better choice.

This chapter wraps up by mentioning that Cheerilee is planning a 'surprise' on Hearts and Hooves Day. It's probably going to be cake. Please let it be cake. I really hope it's cake.

The next three chapters deal with these sister-to-sister chats individually.

In the first one, there's a passage that's really sloppy.

On the fourth week, Applejack got a visit from both Twilight and Cheerilee and they confirmed her worries. Cheerilee had devised a setup that could bring the three back together while Twilight explained what was bothering them for so long. To hear that the three had feelings for each other elicited nothing but a hat lifting in the air by itself showing her surprise from the Apple farmer. Applejack was very shocked from hearing this revelation yet found it all hard to believe. She wanted to hear this from Apple Bloom before she started believing in Twilight’s words.

After all of that, she decided to do what Cheerilee suggested to bring them back together.

One: WTF is Twilight doing in this scene? Cheerillee is perfectly capable of explaining things without needing any backup from picture-book mare. Two: Cartoon physics feels out of place in an otherwise serious story. Three: It contradicts itself. Why would Applejack agree with Cheerilee's plan if she doesn't believe her in the first place?

Three strikes and... Actually, that's pretty good if you're bowling.

Let's skip ahead to the next one.

Of all the problems the fashion mare had in mind for her younger sibling, she never expected a love triangle to be what was troubling Sweetie Belle. She couldn’t help but let a gleeful sound escape over hearing that her own sibling was infatuated by her own friends. Of course the idea did bother her at first, but over time as they continued to play with each other,  she renounced it and would be willing to accept it if her sister was willing to continue. Knowing Sweetie Belle though, she’d probably have mixed feelings about this.

Reading stories can be said to feel like peering into another world. The mind's eye can behold the most wondrous of sights far beyond what one would expect from mere black text on a white background. However, it's a delicate thing as illusions are fragile and it needs to be treated with care. This passage is about as careful as trying to floss with an electric fence. When I saw this, I realized, much to my horror, that I was not looking into another world, but rather up the shaft of an outhouse, and the story just took a massive dump on my face.

The logic here's so asinine and self-contradictory that pretty much nothing makes sense. How can Rarity act gleeful upon first learning about the infatuation and then go on and state that her first reaction was botheration? And that she got over it by deciding to change her mind while watching them play? The whole problem is that they're not playing with each other. That's the whole reason Twilight/Cheerilee brought it up! It's not like those kids had romantic feelings for each other earlier, because the whole premise of this story is that the magic of their cutie marks triggered the next phase of their development into adolescence. Also, Rarity can read minds.

Shortly after this, we're directly told that Sweetie Belle's feeling conflicted. This story's unholy combination of head-hopping and repetitiveness gives the impression that everypony's psychic.

And yeah, it has a couple of plot holes. Not enough for a full round of golf, mind you, but you could get a wicked game of foosball going. Or, ya'know, whatever this is:

Youtube Video

Okay. Note to self: that's enough goofing off and browsing YouTube. Time to get back to the review...

The structure of these three chapters is generally similar in that the siblings get together, the older one offers encouragement, and after a few tears they agree to go to a picnic at the gazebo on Hearts and Hooves Day. This setup could easily make the chapters feel like carbon copies of each other, but the story avoids that by focusing on the characterization. They're unique enough as individuals so that the same setup can be explored from different angles, even if they all achieve the same results. Well, that and the third chapter pulls this stunt:

[Rainbow] was trying to word out what was troubling her but each word came in audible gasps as she desperately tries to tell [Rarity], “I… ha… tried to… have a little… chat with… Scoots…but…” She was deeply exhausted trying to breathe in and out as her mind was still going into overdrive.

Rarity can see her concerned but she was not able to understand why she was breathing heavily if she were to just have a simple chat with Scootaloo, “Darling, I can see wanting a simple chat with Scootaloo but why are you…?”

The fashionista got cut off by the cyan mare whose eyes were wide with shock joining alongside her panicked expression, “Scoots is gone!”

I approve, actually. Well, not about the flip-flopping between past and present tense, but about the Scootaloo-being-missing thing. It might be a cheap trick, but this injection of dramatic tension does spice things up, and it gives an excuse for Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle to come together in concern for their missing friend.

Apple Bloom moved to her friend’s side, sharing her sentiments and supporting her friend. Both looked at each other smiling a bit seeing that despite the rocky start with their feelings for each other, they still had the spark of friendship they made. Their smile did not go unnoticed by their older siblings as they too were smiling see their friendship steadily returning back to its former strength. After a moment of happiness, Apple Bloom retuned back to the topic, “Ah’m with Sweetie on this! We can’t just stop our search fer Scoots right?”

It's also not overdone, as Scootaloo just wanted some quiet time to herself and went to hang out at a secret hidden spot, which turned out to be the pond. Ponyville's pond is neither secret nor a good place to hide, but whatever.

I do have to fault the scene for one thing, though. Rainbow Dash didn't actually have any reason to be concerned. If I walk down the street and knock on somepony's door, I'm not going to call for a search and rescue team if they don't answer. That's kinda what Rainbow Dash is doing here. While the others might trust her enough not to question her motives, we, as readers, need a bit more to go on. Also, after finding Scootaloo, Rainbow Dash never bothers to go back and tell anypony that the search is over. Rude.

The orange pegasus was rubbing her hooves together in nervousness. Her mentor was here and she knew that she might not get another chance to speak this ever. She looked at her, her eyes pleading for her answer, “Could you… be with me? I want to meet my friends again and settle this… I don’t want our friendship to break like this.”

Rainbow pulled her fan closer to her as she embraced her in a hug, “Of course I will for you! Me and your friend’s sisters talked out about this and decided to meet each other under the gazebo on Hearts and Hooves Day so you three can talk it out. We’ll all be there for you.”

The others weren't exactly subtle, but Rainbow Dash, in her bluntness, goes ahead and spills the beans.

I'm going to pause for a moment to comment on this situation. We now have three young girls who are essentially going on a group date with each other on the single biggest romantic holiday of the year. One would think they'd be freaking out, but they aren't. In fact, the word 'date' is never even mentioned. Much like the phase where they drifted apart, this phase where they should be fretting away with nervousness is also painfully absent. It's not even like the holiday's soon, as the picnic doesn't take place until two more weeks. For a little kid, that's practically forever.

Well, the final chapter, "A Friendship Rekindled," opens with, well...

Once again, the story proves that it has a poor sense of focus because the first thing everypony does when they get together is to rant about Diamond Tiara's mother. Yeah, it's not like we care about the CMC or anything. Let's go ahead and explore that tangent. And while we're at it, we should build a shop full of unsecured, delicate china on top of an active fault line. That's a good idea too.

After this discussion, they have lunch, and the CMC play games with Pinkie Pie, who's also there for some reason, along with Twilight and Fluttershy (You'd think at least one of them would have other plans on Hearts and Hooves Day). After all the hype, this is a huge disappointment, as it's basically a normal picnic.

Twilight and Fluttershy go off to fetch Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, so I guess now things can finally get started, right?

Seeing the bullies bought back an unpleasant memory with the bullies Rainbow had to deal with. Due to that memory, she had an unseen vitriol with the bullies that verbally spoke lowly of the crusaders but mostly Scoots. It got almost out of control especially after that little stint where they said she couldn’t fly. That made the cyan mare really angry over that but she had to keep control and not let the past control her. Hearing the former bullies’ reformation did ease her anger upon them but it was when after Diamond talked back to her mother, she let a genuine smile form for them. She looked at her friend from the past who was smiling, “No worries Fluttershy, at least you bought them here. Let me guess though, there was some set condition though huh?”

For a story that's supposed to be about the CMC, a lot of attention is focused on Diamond Tiara's reformation. Seriously. It can't even mention her name without dumping in a few superfluous paragraphs about her being reformed. It's gratingly annoying.

Oh my god! This chapter just keeps going on and on and on about Diamond Tiara! Actually, more of it is devoted to her than the CMC! This final chapter is supposed to be the climactic scene where everything comes together. Instead, it's more like a soap box lost at sea because the ship it was on sailed away in the background.

Let's skip ahead to where it gets back on track.

In a split second, [Diamond] saw the three blushing a bit as they warily looked at each other. That was enough of an answer to know that they haven’t settled their growing friendship yet. A quiet, small, and nervous chuckle escaped from all three of them, “Um… actually since today was Hearts and Hooves Day, we thought that… we’d like to settle this um… love thing now just between us…”

Many were drinking some apple cider when the revelation came out. By the time the words made themselves clear, three of the seven mares widened their eyes and spat out their cider from the shock of the sentence. The three specifically were the crusaders’ guardians, “C-come again sugarcube? Ah thought that Ah heard ya saying that ya wanted t’ talk out them feelings…”

The CMC come out as being gay, and I don't know why their sisters act so surprised, because that's what they spent the entire last three chapters talking about. The whole point of the picnic is to get them to talk about their feelings. Rainbow Dash even said so!

To their surprise, all seven mares and the two fillies were smiling. Cheerilee stood up first watching the three of them with a noticeable sense of glee, “Well, if you wish to talk about this now…” She winked at the three of them causing them to look away in embarrassment. Unbeknownst to them, that was a signal everypony expected and they all stood up as well, “We’ll give you three some alone time to talk this out.”

Nevermind. It was a false alarm. This was all part of the master plan all along. What was even the point of that faux shock if the story wasn't going to do anything with it? I guess by now I shouldn't be surprised to see the story stumbling around so awkwardly.

By the way, 'alone' means 'being spied upon by everypony.' I guess that's karma for all the times they spied on other ponies themselves. After a quick chat, the CMC decide to take things slowly.

“Yeah, take it nice and slowly Apple Bloom…” A small chortle escaped from Sweetie, “You know, it’s kind of funny, this ended rather quickly for the three of us right?”

“Yeah, probably a little too quickly if I say so myself…” All three joined each other in their laughter and embraced each other. They were happy to be back together as fire-forged friends. Soon for them though, they’ll take on a different title if they so no problem to the road ahead, marefriends. Unbeknownst to them, from faraway, cheers were being sounded as the seven mares and the fillies hugged each other. The guardians of the three fillies were letting a few happy tears go seeing their own grow up so fast. From here on out for all of them, they knew that this was just the beginning of their journey into adulthood.

...and the story ends by mocking itself over how quickly the conflict is resolved when they actually talk to each other. Wow. What an anticlimax. That short paragraph-length epilogue is a nice touch, though, but given how bad the rest of the chapter is it's kinda like putting a gold star on a deflated balloon.

By the way, if you're wondering what the big surprise from Cheerilee was, she didn't actually have one. It was really about them talking all along. I'm sorry to disappoint, but the cake was merely a fabrication of my own wishful thinking.

Remember how Rarity felt when she kept inviting Applejack to the spa? Pleasant times could be had, if only things would work out, but they never did. It was just one continuous series of disappointments, one right after the other, made all the more frustrating by just how oblivious Applejack was to her needs. I feel much the same way about this story.

It did have a good premise, managed to build upon it, and didn't trigger too many rage-buttons. I could have screamed about how OOC everypony was when they where brainstorming ways to beat up Diamond Tiara's mother, but at that point it was obvious filler and I just didn't care.

A decent premise can only go so far. To work well, a story needs both a good premise and good execution, and this story's execution appears to be attempted suicide. It's poorly organized, weirdly phrased, mixes up tenses, head-hops, goes off on tangents, treats the ship as a foregone conclusion, has plot holes, is repetitively repetitive, does a lot of telling and little showing, and manages to pull off a lame ending. It's not all bad, though. Despite its faults, there's still a decent little story buried within the mountains of filler and chaff. The comments section is almost all praise. The cover art is good too.

I do want to make it clear that my gripe about the ending is not how the story played out, but the manner in which it was told. After all, I did say they should talk to the Crusaders and let them decide for themselves, and that's exactly what happened. But...

I'm going to mention symbolism again and how it plays into readers' expectations. One way a story can hint at things to come is by drawing parallel to past events. By placing the final scene on Hearts and Hooves Day in the same gazebo where the CMC doled out love poison, I expected this to be setup where they'd be taught an object lesson in the fallacies of love.

Can you imagine a scene in which the 'date' angle is played up, the CMC are strung tight with romantic tension, fuss over being pretty in dresses, stammer and blush about giving each other flowers and chocolate, and eventually panic over whether or not they should kiss each other? I can. When things get hectic, a reasonable adult could step in, remind them that they don't have to do these things if they don't want to, and that they're falling in love just by being themselves—not because of anything silly like dresses or dates or chocolates or holidays. That's when they could decide to take things slowly, and the story could even have the same ending.

Instead, what we got was a chapter dedicated to turning Spoiled Rich into a hypothetical punching bag and the actual conclusion was so short that it might as well have been a footnote. Can you see why I was so disappointed?

Terrible Translator Medal

The phrasing felt so consistently awkward that I kept tripping over the wording while trying to read it. For a story to flow well, the writing needs to be invisible. Get an editor.

Honest Attempt Medal

The story did make a noble attempt with a good premise but...

Unfortunate Letdown Medal

...yeah. That.

Laughter Lost Medal

Comedy might not be this story's focus, but it tried to make a running joke out of Rainbow Dash being Scootaloo's mentor instead of sister. I still don't get it.

As a bonus for making it all the way to the end, here's a somewhat related limerick:

Three little fillies once brewed a concoction.

It was purple and strong and a love toxin.

But they did inhale,

and the ship that set sail,

was themselves by their own concoction.

Rage Review: Editor Required

Hey, folks. Today's story was a requested review. (Even though it took me forever to finish it). Let's take a look at Editor Required by stupidhand14.

With a title like that, what would you expect? A story about the travesties and utter futility of attempting to wrestle the English language like some kind of feral, bucking beast that just refuses to cooperate and will trample anyone to death multiple times if they even so much as think of trying to tame it? Maybe? Perhaps?

What about an adventure/mystery story about using magic to rewrite history? Er, close enough, right?

I guess I can't complain too much because the description does a good job of explaining things, but a story will have a hard time attracting its target audience if it looks like something else entirely at first glance.

Not long after testing new magic in Equestira, Sunset Shimmer notices that one of her friends are gone, and no one seems to remember them. Now, armed with enough knowledge of magic, Sunset must set the world's past right.

Here's the short description, and, lo and behold—an obvious typo! The word "them" is incorrect. Either it's being used as a plural pronoun for a singular person, or Sunset doesn't know what gender her friend is. I know that mysteries need to contain secrets and all, but why even bother hiding the identity of the target when it's part of the story's premise? Last time I checked, the game of Clue doesn't force people to guess who the victim is. That would be incredibly silly.

Starswirl was the last unicorn to have studied the magic of other worlds. That was over a millenia ago, and still no one had even thought of using magic in another world. At least, no one until Sunset crossed the portal. Disobeying her teacher, she had taken magic to the new world, and found it altered. After being reformed, she tried to understand the world's native magic, but failed. She found it was different. Perhaps she just needed a focal point, and what better focal point than Equestrian magic?

However, not long after the primary test, Sunset discovers that one of her friend’s pasts has been altered, and all memory of them erased. Only she notices anything is wrong and has enough knowledge of both worlds to save her friends.

Now history requires an Editor, and Sunset will have to step up if she is to save her friends.

I don't want to focus too much on typos, but I spotted two more. Here, "millennia" is misspelled and "Editor" appears to be erroneously capitalized. The latter may not be an error if it's a title, though it would help to establish that first. It's also worth noting that in the short description, the victim disappeared, and here, the victim was altered. The entire story in general is rife with minor inconsistencies and contradictions like this, and they're about as exciting and appetizing as finding a wriggling maggot in every spoonful of cereal! Joy!

The main point of a description is to introduce the conflict and set the tone for the story itself. While this accomplishes the former, the latter could use some polish. It would work better if it focused entirely on the conflict and left out that random block of exposition. The historical nuances between native magic and Equestrian magic might be important within the story, but at this point, I have no reason to care. When a person doesn't care, they look elsewhere. See where I'm going with this?

The choice of cover art, while nice, doesn't appear to be related to the story other than its being a generic Equestria Girls image. It's also way too cheerful for a story about vanishment.

PS: This story takes places between Equestria Games and Legends of Everfree. That's also important to know, but not mentioned.

Onto chapter one: History

        “Remember to study for Monday’s test,” the history teacher told his seventh period class as they rushed towards freedom. “It’ll cover the Gilded Age, so be sure to study Rockefeller.”

        Only after he had finished speaking did Twilight Sparkle begin to pack her notebook into her backpack. Sunset Shimmer, who had fallen asleep halfway through the lecture, was groggily stuffing her notes away. They were disappointingly short, with no real information behind them. Shaking off her sleep, she walked outside with Twilight.

Formatting is important, and the first thing that jumps out is a wall of text. Paragraphs are indented here, not spaced, when it really should be the opposite. In print, paper costs money, but on electronic media, space is free, so use it. Add that extra newline character after each paragraph and don't look back. Join us on the white-space side; we have cookies. Also, the indentions are uneven, which is what happens when you import from GDocs. That's another reason to switch.

White space is also a great place to hide secret messages.

The story itself opens with Sunset slacking off in class, for no apparent reason. I wouldn't expect Sunset to be the type to slack off as she was Celestia's prized student at one point, after all. A bad teacher can make any subject boring, but none of the other students are having trouble here, just Sunset.

Not that anyone does that.

Yeah, it's way too early to start judging characterization, but I did want to record my initial impression. Simply giving Sunset a decent reason for her delinquency is all it would really take to fix this. Maybe she was up late studying magic or something. I dunno, because the story doesn't bother to tell us.

But you could if you wanted to.

        “Oh, there you are, darlings.” Rarity came rushing over to the group, Pinkie Pie in tow. “You would not believe what they’re forcing us to do in computers!”

        No one in the group asked the obvious question as each of them mentally rolled their eyes at their friend’s melodramatics.

        “Alright, I’ll ask. What’re ya’ doin’ in computers?”

        “We have to design a web site for another person. An entire website!” Rarity continued her complaints for several seconds, her friends quietly allowing her to vent. As soon as she was calmed, the topic quickly changed to the dreaded History test.

        “He always give me a bad score, no matter how much I study.” Rainbow Dash threw her hands into the air. “No matter how much info I put in my essay, he always gives it a D!”

        “Yeah, he’s a real hard teacher ta’ please.” Applejack turned to Sunset, a small smile on her lips. “By the way, Sunset, mind if I borrow your notes for today’s video? I ran out of paper.”

        Sunset couldn’t help but feel guilty, and her poker face was not what it used to be. Instantly, her friends saw through her.

        “Sunset, did you fall asleep during History again?” Twilight finally asked after Rarity had been pacified. “I can let you borrow my notes again if you’d like.”

I mentioned minor contradictions and inconsistencies, and this is a good example of that. The colors I added to the quote above highlight two such instances. Well, three if you count Applejack asking about notes for a video. I'm pretty sure she meant to say 'lecture.' Individually, none of these things are a big deal. It's the sheer quantity of them that leaves me scratching my head. I think that if more care was taken to describe what was going on rather than just blandly telling us everything, that a lot of these things could be worked out.

This scene also sets up the initial conflict of the story. Because Sunset was slacking, she doesn't have the notes she needs to study for Monday's test, and she's too embarrassed to take up Twilight's offer. Applejack apparently doesn't have any notes either, but fuck Applejack; nobody cares about her.

So, of course, the answer to Sunset's problem is magic. Um, sure, why not? A better grade on a history test is obviously worth the risk of fundamentally tearing apart the fabric of reality and rewriting very nature of the universe itself. /Sarcasm. And who better to ask than her best friend in pony land?

        I would be more than happy to help you test the magic in that world. When do you need me over there?

        Sunset couldn’t help but smile at the inefficient use of a quill. It left the words bigger and much more smudged. She pulled out her pen again and wrote her reply.

On the one side, this passage does offer a neat and tidy explanation for why Princess Twilight's writing in bold text, but on the other side, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Please note how the pony is instantly labeled as inferior because she's using antiquated technology. I really hope that this doesn't become a 'thing.'

        I need a book that’s been enchanted with the Continuous History charm.

This is Susnset's request, and, quite frankly, I have a lot to say about it, but I'll wait until it's been properly introduced.

        Do you mind if I try something new I’ve been making to get it to you?

        What do you want to do?

        I have been designing a spell based on one of Starswirl’s theories of Portal Dynamics. It should allow for me to send you an object, which I will try with a book after I give you the regular copy through the portal.

Princess Twilight has some magic of her own that she wants to try, just in case you were wondering how all of this could go horribly, horribly, wrong. So yeah, the setup is pretty much that Sunset will get one copy of the book herself, while the second copy vanishes, winding up in exactly the wrong hands. I don't even need to read ahead to find out because this setup is just so obvious.

So after this conversation, our bacon-haired heroine stops to watch soccer practice for a bit, making note of a rivalry between Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust. After that, she goes home and starts studying for her history test from her regular, dog-eared, chewed-on, scribbled-in, five years out-of-date, school-issued history book. You know, like a normal person. This is the first real problem that I have with the story's premise, because if she has her regular book, then what in the world does she need a magical one for? That seems like an awful lot of extra work for no real value.

        Saturday morning, Sunset found herself walking to school once more. When she was ten minutes away, she felt her backpack shake slightly. Pausing, she opened it and withdrew the Instantaneous Message Journal™.

Yep, the book that communicates between worlds has been trademarked, meaning that it's legally registered to corporate entity.

Twilight: Sunset! Do you happen to know anything about this invoice I just got from ''Hasbro"?

Sunset: Uh, well, I was a bit short on cash when I arrived, so I thought a few corporate tie-ins would tie me over.

Twilight: This is insane! It's full of hidden fees, roaming charges, and what the hay! They somehow even tripled the rates that I didn't even know about before I got the bill!

Sunset: I'm sure it's not that ba—

Twilight: It's payable in wedding-castle playsets, talking dolls, weird pony games, solid gold bars, and firstborn children!

Sunset: Whoops. Gotta go.

Twilight: GET BACK HERE!

Cadance: That last part's not so bad.

Shining Armor: So what if we sold Flurry Heart into slavery?

Twilight: You two aren't helping.

So anyway, Sunset gets a transdimensional text message, and fumbles for a bit because she's lost her favorite pen. Because this is a mystery story, I'm going to label that as a Clue™. It wasn't explained how Twilight's spell to send over the first, doomed, copy of the history book works, but having it arrive at the location of the pen that Sunset had been using to write in the journal seems plausible.

Alright, go ahead and send it. I’m a few minutes away from the school. By the way, where will it end up at?

It should show up right in front of the portal.

Sunset picked up her pace, practically jogging towards the school. It shaved a minute off her arrival, though she was slightly out of breath when she arrived. Smiling, she looked in front of the statue, only to find it vacant of any and all books.

Then again, the spell could be no different from just opening the portal and tossing it through, and Sunset misses it because she's running late. This begs the question of why Princess Twilight would even bother with an experimental spell when she's already capable of doing the exact same thing. Speaking of which, when Sunset doesn't get the first copy (no surprise there), Twilight brings the second copy over personally and it's even gift-wrapped, because that's exactly what Twilight likes to do in her spare time: gift-wrap backup books.

Sunset wasted no seconds in tearing open the gift, showing what should have been a Book of Continuous History. It was supposed to be a sleek looking book, with a modern binder and roughly the size of a compendium.

Instead, the book looked rather large, with a leather binding, as well as being the size of a compendium, it was as thick as two, though surprisingly light. It was entitled Book of History: Editor’s Edition.

“Well,” Sunset said while still slightly stunned. “The words changed.”

“It would appear so, but what else changed?”

The two girls sat down as Sunset opened the seemingly aged book and flipped to the glossary. Just as she had hoped, the glossary contained chapters about Earth’s history. Everything from the Ancient Greeks, and older, up to the Modern Era.

Flipping to the furthest page in the glossary, the two girls found words still being written as the events came to pass. Even the minutest of details were in the book, including what the diplomats were drinking.

And here it is, folks: one massively overpowered macguffin. Not only does this book contain the entirety of Earth's history, but it's self-writing too. Everything that ever happened could plausibly be found within these pages, such as: what happened to the missing copy. Oh wow! The mystery's over. We can all go home.

On top of that, we're led to believe that a similar version exists in Equestria and it isn't hard to produce. To show why such a thing is absurdly overpowered, I've listed a few examples:

• Can't find the Elements of Harmony? The Continuous Book of History will know where to look!

• Why is that mysterious, rhyming-prone cloaked stranger digging up holes in town? The Continuous Book of History will know everything about her!

• Have all your friends started acting all funny-like by avoiding Gummy's after-birthday party? The Continuous Book of History will know what they're up to.

• Wondering what this 'Crystal Heart' is and what happened to it? Look no further than the Continuous Book of History!

• LOL, what mystery on the Friendship Express? The Continuous Book of History already knows who ate the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. You can't keep any secrets from this bad book!

And that folks, is my biggest gripe with this story's premise. Either some contrivance will need to be set up to prevent Sunset from using the book for its primary purpose, or she'll look like a massive, grade-A idiot for failing to turn to it to solve all of her problems. Basically, giving the main character an object that effectively grants omniscience probably isn't the best idea in a mystery story.

My will to continue is diminishing rapidly, but I must admit that I am curious as to how awful things can get. It's kinda hard to top that level of stupid, though. Perhaps the story will come up with a contrivance that I can accept, or perhaps it will dumbfound me with even more stupid. Guess which one is more likely.

So the princess and Sunset get into a discussion about how dangerous this book and magic in general is in this world, and that somehow doesn't segue into looking for the missing copy. Instead, Twilight uses her limited time to, well...

“How about you show me some of the technology from this world. I’ve yet to use a cellphone, and I can’t help but wonder if it can be replicated in Equestria.”

“Sure,” Sunset said as her smile grew.

For the next hour, Sunset allowed Twilight to use some of the technology that was in the world while showing her others. Laptops, phones, digital cameras, among other things. Before long, the hour was up.

...fawn over superior human technology. Excuse me while go I check to see if I still have a gag reflex. It's been wearing thin because of passages like this.

Yep. It's working perfectly. What a mess. Just like this.

This is horrible characterization for our favorite pony princess overlord. Even if one ignores the rather glaring obvious problem with the missing magical book thing, she'd obviously spend any limited time in Canterlot High catching up with her friends. Even ignoring that, why would she even think of trying to replicate a cellphone before she'd even used one? That seems a bit premature, but hey, if the story is going to force her into a forgone conclusion without any sort of investment whatsoever then why not? The whole scene takes place in the entirety of like two sentences, one of which isn't even complete.

On a more positive note, I'm actually kinda glad this scene was glossed over, because it's not at all relevant to the story's plot. Sometimes, you can get away with rushing things. Try not to make a habit of it, though.

After Twilight leaves, Flash Sentry shows up and somewhat creepily returns Sunset's missing pen. It's a bit creepy, because how in the world did he know that pen was hers? Either he had to be stalking her to watch her drop it or he recognized her bite marks or something. So yeah, somewhat creepy.

Anyway, it's noted that he has something large and heavy in his book bag, and um, that's great? I guess. The implication is that he picked up the missing copy of the magic history book but he doesn't say anything about that and Sunset doesn't ask about that so I guess we'll never know.

So with the awkward teen romance out of the way, she can finally get down to business: studying. She has a magical history book. What could possibly go wrong?

        “What do you mean I get a C?” Sunset all but shouted to the teacher. She could still hear some of the other students most of them complaining about their grade. “I answered every question completely, thoroughly, and provided evidence. Why did I get a C?”

        “Sunset, your evidence was exactly the problem.” The teacher lifted up her paper and read through the first paragraph until finding what he was looking for. “Right here, you speak about JP Morgan buying Carnegie Steel, but you have all the facts wrong. It was quick, with JP Morgan buying it immediately after Carnegie named his price. You put that it was a long, drawn out process, full of backdoor dealings. And don’t even get me started on what you fabricated about Rockefeller.”

        “It wasn’t fabricated,” Sunset insisted. “I found evidence that that’s how it really happened!”

        “Oh?” He sat back in his chair. “Where did you find this evidence?”

        “Uh…” Sunset’s mind racked to find some form of excuse, some way to make it not sound like she was an idiot. “Internet?”

...the obvious, of course. It's far too late for her not to look like a complete idiot, I'm afraid. Let's make a list:

• It was already established that her book contains history exactly as it occurred, not as it was recorded. The history test was obviously going to be on recorded history, and she'd have to not realize that.

• Given that she'd been attending class and studying from her regular book first, she'd have to either not notice all of these major discrepancies or not think they'd be problem.

• This book is significantly more detailed than what she'd been studying from before, causing her massive amounts of extra work to even use the thing in the first place. If all she needed was more info, there are these places called 'libraries' where one can find stuff like that, and hey! We know that Canterlot High has one of those because they let students sleep there overnight! Plus, there's the internet!

• You know, there are right ways and a wrong ways to use a book like this, and we've seen the idiot way. The smart way would be to look up the history lecture she missed, which is what I thought the whole point of this was. Why else would she need a magical book?

• As long as we're discussion bad ways to use this book, I might as well bring up the less ethical way, where she could just look up the test itself and copy all the answers. Should the teacher give her any grief about that, she'd have this handy-dandy reference guide containing all of his dark, hidden secrets such as affairs or any other blackmail-worthy material. Don't like someone? Just look up all of their passwords and send the FBI the nuclear codes from their email account. Problem solved. Because, y'know, having a magical book that contains all possible information, recorded or not, is not in the least bit overpowered in any way, shape or form. /sarcasm

So after getting a 'bad' grade on her history test, Idiot turns to her friends for solace, and we finally discover who it was that got herself erased from history.

        Sunset stopped, stunned. None of it made any sense, Rainbow usually responded to an elbow with an equally rough one, and she would never miss a single practice. Something was wrong, definitely wrong. Rushing over to the soccer team’s condition, she found Lightning Dust there, leading the team through exercises. After a few sets, she called for a break and moved to get a water, where Sunset intercepted her.

        “Hey, do you know what’s wrong with Rainbow?” Sunset asked her.

        “What do you mean? And who’s Rainbow?” Lightning replied before drinking down some of her water.

        “You know, Rainbow Dash, the team captain?” Sunset gave Lightning a hard stare, though her only response was laughing.

        “I don’t know who you’re talking about, but I’m the captain of this soccer team.”

It was Rainbow Dash, of course! Well, she hasn't technically been erased, but she's no longer the soccer captain, and she's no longer part of the magical clique. I'd like to point out that in order to commit a crime, people need both a means and a motive. It's unclear who has the means, but the only one mentioned in this story thus far who'd have a motive to harm Rainbow Dash is Lightning Dust. Thus, Idiot may have inadvertently revealed that she wasn't effected to this story's only reasonable suspect.

Of course, this could be an accident too, as messing with forces of nature beyond mortal understanding tends to have a steep learning curve. So I guess Flash Sentry could be a suspect too, along with someone like Twilight Sparkle (the human one), because she's done something like that before. Then again, if it really was one of those two, then they'd be panicking and asking Idiot for help, and there'd be no mystery, so yeah, Lightining Dust is really the only reasonable suspect thus far. But hey, it's not like the story's progressed much, so there's plenty of time to introduce more.

So Idiot runs home and vegetates on her couch for hours before finally deciding to see if that magical book she got has anything to do with this.

Slowly, her mind drifted to the book that Twilight had given her. Getting up, she walked to her bedroom and, on her desk, was the book already open. There seemed to be a red glow coming from one of the pages. It also appeared to have a bookmark set to the page, and it wasn’t the one she had left the book open on. She walked over and read the red text.

        Mistake found in this section of History. Evidence of tampering found. Editor required to fix mistakes.

        Sunset could practically feel the magical energies emanating from the book. Already she knew the book had been changed by the world, but how and in what ways she didn’t know. Sitting down next to the book, she examined it fully. There was an entire section highlighted in red.

After a brief scan, she deduced it was about a soccer game, one Rainbow Dash had been in. There was, however, something odd. It looked as if someone had used white out and wrote their own story in place of the book. The font was different, as was the size of the letters.

Oh, wow, look. The problem section is conveniently highlighted, bookmarked, and everything. And it's all shoved right in her face with quite literally zero possible ways to plausibly avoid absorbing any of the information contained therein. And you know what? That's a major problem for this story, as the entirety of chapter three is dedicated to interviewing people and tracking down everything written here that she should already know and has a handy reference guide for!

I mean, I might be riffing Sunset for being this slavering brainless thing that oozes across the bozosphere on its dumb-o-pods to suckle the moron juice from mother idiot ball, but this goes well beyond the pale. Sure, people do stupid stuff all the time, and when said stupid stuff inevitably blows up in their face, suffering the consequences and trying to deal with the fallout can make for interesting conflicts. But to give this a pass, I'd have to either assume that she didn't actually read it, or that she forgot everything and forgot that it even existed. I can't do that. When all hope of plausible deniability has vanished into the wind, the only thing left is a plot hole.

A huge plot hole. A gaping one even.

I get the impression that the way this time loop stuff is supposed to work is that someone tweaks the past to erase Rainbow Dash, and Idiot then has to go searching for clues to discover what happened so she can go back in time to fix it. But it's all fucking pointless because she has this magical, infallible reference guide that already tells her everything that she needs to know and it practically jumps in her face every five minutes shouting, "HEY! LISTEN!"

You cannot build the entire foundation of a story on a plot hole! Not only does the whole thing cave under any sort of scrutiny, but what you wind up with is a leaning story of dumb.

I...

Sorry, I got carried away there.

Well, Idiot tries editing the book the normal way, but with it being magic and all it doesn't take. And now that I think about it, what in the world was she even planning on writing in there? "And then Rainbow Dash sprouted majestic thespian wings and flew off into the sunset. 'My people need me,' she cryptically uttered before vanishing into the crimson orb." Yeah... no.

Sunset looked at the words in red again. An editor was needed, but what did that mean? How did someone manage to alter the book? How could anyone else in this world know how to control an Equestrian construct?

Setting aside those thoughts for later, she turned back to the problem at hand. She knew the book was most likely the problem and solution to Rainbow Dash’s problem, but she didn’t know how to fix it. Twilight wouldn’t know, nor would anypony in Equestria. Only she knew enough about both worlds to fix it.

The logic here is astounding. Idiot makes a sensible admission in that she doesn't know how to fix things, and then not two seconds later that somehow qualifies her to be the only person who actually can fix things. What the actual fuck is going on in that head of hers? I think, therefore I can fuck up? But let's skip that whole 'thinking' part, because that's too hard for her.

Look, I'm going to give a spoiler here by pointing out that contact with Equestria has been cut off at this point in the story due to time loop shenanigans. I mean, I appreciate the noble gesture where the person who caused the problem feels an obligation to fix it herself, but the least she could do is try to contact Twilight before running off on her own... Or put some more thought into it. I mean, come on!

So after drawing a blank because she doesn't actually know what to do, Idiot pull out a photo of her friends, and I can finally see where the cover art ties in, except it's wrong. Rainbow Dash is missing. And that makes the cover art wrong too. So I went ahead and defiled 'fixed' it.

[Original]

See? It matches the story a whole lot better now.

So anyway, Idiot gets the bright idea that she should use magic on the book, and that turns it into a magic sucky book that tries to steal her soul or something. However, she manages to resist it, thus giving her the rather sensible option of not allowing herself to get sucked into a weird, magical book. There are plenty of other things she could try first, like searching for the perpetrator, looking up the point in time when Twilight sent the books over and trying to track down the missing copy, attempting to contact Twilight, learning more about what happened to Rainbow Dash, and probably a few magical tricks of her own.

Taking a deep breathe, Sunset got up and closed the book. She couldn’t be dragged in without a backup plan. Walking to bed, a plan began to form in Sunset’s head. It was stupid, dangerous, and probably hazardous to her health, but it would probably work. Hopefully.

On for fuck's sake! She's just going to jump straight into the soul-stealing book, isn't she? Why even bother giving her any other options if she isn't going to pursue them? The book could have just gobbled her up in right then and there and be done with it! Now the whole thing is going to be dragged out unnecessarily in a way that makes Idiot look even stupider than she was before! Sigh.

Well, that concludes chapter one, and I'm getting rather sick of how poorly thought out this whole thing is. We have inconsistent details, a nonsensical premise, and our hero's been rolling around in idiocy like it's a patch of Sunset-scented catnip. Sunset seems wholly unaware of the true nature of the book and just how ridiculously easy it'd be to abuse the damn thing. In fact, she is! Not once does she ever turn to it to look something up after the history test and it's incredibly frustrating because the story also seems intent on finding ways to remind us that it has all the answers and thus how easy everything would be if she actually bothered to read any of it.

Am I really asking too much when I expect people to use the tools they've been given to solve the problems they have? I mean, sure, characters often do have to screw up to advance the plot, especially at the start of a story, but there's a limit to what people can swallow. I can't buy the fact that when a copy of this book goes missing, they sit and talk about how dangerous it is but don't go looking for it. I can't buy the fact that Sunset looks at the altered passage and even tries to edit it without actually reading it. These aren't character mistakes; they're narrative mistakes. That's what a plot hole really is. Should the story ever need something so godawful stupid to happen that not even the entire Bermuda Triangle is big enough to swallow it, then it needs to be changed.

I don't really want to keep going on and on about how dumb everything is (okay, I do), but I will desist, for now. After all, there is plenty more material to dissect. Onto chapter two: Akashic Records.

        The next morning, Sunset found herself waiting at the front of school far ahead of her usual schedule. Most of her friends didn’t even show up until five minutes before the first bell rang, but she had arrived thirty minutes early.

        Yawning loudly, Sunset stretched in her spot on the front steps of the school. Although autumn was already in full swing, it wasn’t a cold morning. Sunset checked her phone for the fourth time that minute. Twilight should have been at school already, but she hadn’t shown up with the last bus.

This story does have it moments, and this is a pretty good one. I can see without needing to be told that Sunset's so nervous and worried that she lost sleep and she's determined to do everything she can to fix it. Mid autumn in front of the school isn't a great description, but I already know what the school looks like so that is enough to set the scene. Ah, bask in the advantages of working with fanfiction.

So Twilight shows up, and after a bit of small talk, Sunset's left with the awkward task of explaining what's going on.

        “It’s… it’s complicated.” Sunset let out a loud sigh. “Long story short, something happened to the past, and now you don’t even remember one of our friends because they’ve changed. I have an idea on how to fix it, but I need you to watch over me while I do it.”

        Twilight leaned back against the step, her head nodding slowly as her mind worked its way around all the new information. After several seconds, she turned to Sunset.

        “Alright,” she said simply, pulling out her phone again to send off a quick text.

        “Wait, that’s it? You’re not gonna ask a bunch of questions concerning what I need you to do or what I just said?”

        “Nope.” Twilight looked around for her backpack and, noticing its absence, looked a touch glummer. “If what you’re saying is right, and I have no reason not to believe it’s true, then asking questions would prove itself moot as, if you do succeed in restoring our memories, then I’d understand what you meant.”

Youtube Video

And whatever feeling of goodwill I had with this story is already gone. This logic is flawed. I happen to know for a fact that fixing the timeline will cause Twilight's memories of this encounter to be erased as the original timeline supplants itself. Thus, while asking questions might technically be moot, she most certainly will not understand what was meant. Seriously, she should be asking questions like that, and a lot of other questions too.

While I can understand why the story might not be too keen on a philosophical discussion about the effects and ethics of temporal altercation, outright avoiding it in this manner is bad characterization.

But yeah, whatever. This story obviously wants to get back to the magic sucky book, and everything else will suffer until that happens. In fact, it doesn't even bother. It just gets right back to the magic sucky book, nevermind the fact that we're kinda interested in life without Rainbow Dash is like. Given the whole 'butterfly effect' thing, it'd be hard to make one specific drastic change without affecting a whole bunch of other stuff too, plus we're still looking for the perpetrator so stuff like that might serve as clues too.

So what exactly does Sunset need Twilight for?

        “So, what do I need to do?” Twilight sat on the couch as Sunset began to put some water in the bucket.

        “It’s very simple, really.” Sunset continued to put water in the bucket as she spoke. “I’m going to try to connect with the magical energies, but I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I do.”

        “Isn’t that really dangerous?” Twilight asked in a worried tone.

        “No, as long as you’re here I should be fine.” Sunset gave Twilight an assuring smile. “I’m only to be connected with the energies for two hours. Once those two hours are up, shake me to bring me back.”

        “What if that doesn’t work?”

        “That’s where this comes in.” Sunset motioned to the bucket, now full of ice and water. “If you can’t wake me up by shaking me, do not hesitate to dunk my head in the bucket to shock me out. That’s the best way to wake someone up when they’re exploring unknown magical energies of this type.”

To be an alarm clock, of course! What? You thought she wanted a research buddy to talk to and bounce ideas off of while they worked out a plan? Why bother with that when Sunset already knows exactly how the magic she doesn't understand works—flawless logic, that.

Idiot1: Something I want fell into that big, noisy machine whose purpose I don't understand. Can you watch me while I climb in and get it?

Idiot2: It says 'wood chipper.'

Idiot1: Yeah, I and don't know what that is. Can you watch me?

Idiot2: Huh. Neither do I. Uh, sure, I guess. Is it safe?

Idiot1: Well, if I don't come out after two hours, then you should climb in after me. That's the best way to deal with unknown machines of this type.

Idiot2: Sounds like a plan!

So after letting herself get sucked into the book, Sunset finds herself in a library, and she's a pony again, for whatever reason. She picks up a book that catches her eye, and goes exploring until she finds an off-color fountain and a desk. Something strange is there to greet her.

Sunset turned to face the creature that spoke. Sitting at the desk, which was now a chaotic mess, was some form of creature. It’s body was very unique, with a nearly flat angular face. Its skin was a pale brown. It was missing its nose and ears, but its mouth was made in a wide smile.

This description is... what? Honestly, I don't even know. There's some effort to fill in the details, but it 100% misses the big picture. I don't know what species this guy is. Is he a human, a sphinx, a naga, an oddly-shaped gelatinous cube? Given that this guy is basically Discord, I'm going to assume that he's some kind of draconequus.

See? Just like that.

Anyway, his name is Hast Soporific, and it's apparently his job to explain stuff to the three point five visitors that wind up there every couple of centuries or so.

“Where is here?” Sunset pulled her hoof away from Hast. He simply moved back to sit behind the desk again.

“You don’t even know where you are? What are they teaching you?” Hast swirled his finger in the air, creating a floating sign saying, “Welcome to the Akashic Records”. “Does this answer you question?” His smile transformed itself into an annoying smirk, making his face all the more punchable.

“That doesn’t tell me anything!” Sunset jumped up onto her hind legs, placing her forelegs on the desk. “What. Is. This. Place?”

        “It’s the center of all knowledge. Any and all ideas, thoughts, events, and general history are stored here, for the select few that manage to make it here… which hasn’t happened in a long time, though some manage to tap into part of it.”

        “So this is where all that comes from…” Sunset trailed off, realizing where all the information from the Continuous History enchanted books came from.

        “Now, Ms. Shimmer…” Hast outfit had changed to that of a secretary, complete with tiny glasses and a clipboard in front of him. “You seem to fit most of the requirements, so I will offer you it now. Do you wish to be an Editor?”

See what I mean? He's basically Discord. He even does all that omnipotent magic stuff too. He explains that an Editor is someone who fixes mistakes found in the records, which, conveniently, is exactly what Sunset needs to do. But first, she'll need to sign the contract:

1) I may not look at my own future or change my past.

2) Any consequences that come, I must accept. If that means what I fixed leads to an undesired outcome, I don't have the right to complain to any entity of the Records.

3) A fee will be paid to the Editor based on the problems they fix, and in what way.

4) I may not ever tell anyone else of the way to get into the Records.

This less of a contract and more of a set of rules, but whatever. Given how Hast is, something like this is par for the course. There are only four rules, so I'll give a brief comment on each one.

Rule one is presumably to prevent paradoxes, as the easiest way for Sunset to fix everything would be to go back to her History class and wake herself up.

Rule two seems to imply that she'll only get one chance to fix each mistake. Should she do something wrong and stuff winds up worse than before, well, tough luck.

Rule three is something that I frown upon, as it's too open-ended. Given Hast, this 'payment' could be anything from a rubber ducky to a hand-cranked active volcano launcher.

Sunset's pretty much already broken rule four, as she entered the Akashic Records in the presence of Twilight. Do you really expect that inquisitive book worm to patiently stare at a lovely, bacon-haired corpse comatose body for two hours straight without even once peeking in the massive, magical tome?

As for the contract, Sunset has about as much choice in the matter as the average skydiver does in deciding whether or not to deploy their parachute. So of course, she signs it. Hast then gives a guided tour, showing her the conveniently located equipment that she'll need to go back in time and make changes.

        “By the way, did anyone else come through here recently?” Sunset interrupted just before he could start talking about the glories of mystery meat.

        “Yes, I told you that earlier. Weren’t you listening?” Hast reached over and pulled a cotton ball out of her ear. “Ah, I see the problem. Cotton in your little pony ears. I didn’t know it was a problem for equines as well as humans.”

        “Who were they?” Sunset leaned towards him, trying to draw the answer out of him.

        “I have no idea who they were, I just gave them the tour like I did you. And they were much nicer about it!” Hast hmpfed and teleported a small distance away. “Now, if you don’t need me, I must be going.”

        “Wait!” Sunset called out to him, which he surprisingly obeyed. “Can you at least tell me what they looked like?”

        “Ah, alas, I’m not good with faces. I might remember something later, though.” With a smirk he tried to hid behind his hands, Hast teleported away, leaving Sunset alone, the chairs and projector disappearing with him.

I think I can forgive her for not asking about the other visitor when Hast brought it up, because she seems to be in a clouded state of mind. It took her a long time to notice that she'd been turned back into a pony too, when that should have been immediately obvious. In any case, Hast is clearly lying. He knew Sunset's name without even bothering to ask. Given how omnipotent he appears to be, he could easily fix everything himself, but he'd much rather play games. This is much like how Discord acted in that "Princess Twilight" season four opener. I'll never be able to think of Hast as his own character as long as I'm constantly reminded of Discord.

Well, with Hast gone, Sunset goes to play with the toys she's been given. She suits up and primes this thing called a 'time displacer' with the book that she needs to fix. It wasn't mentioned, but that book is presumably the one that she picked up and it's presumably about Rainbow Dash.

        The machine sprang to life. A swirling vortex with multiple time symbols covered the gateway. Already a picture could be made out, but it wasn’t focused. Returning to the book, Sunset flipped through a few of the pages and found the picture changing, getting more focused. When she flipped to the page with the error, the vortex showed Rainbow sliding into another player’s ankle.

Oh. So this 'error' presumably involves Rainbow crashing into somebody's ankle, and that probably wasn't supposed to happen. This matches what we already know, given that the altercation takes place in a soccer game. It's nice to have everything just handed to her so that she doesn't have to go looking for anything herself. (Yes I'm being sarcastic, because I know that's what she does anyway.)

However, her time limit is up, and she partakes upon the ice bucket challenge, courtesy of Twilight. As it turns out, spending time in the akashic records is very taxing in the real world. Sunset's not-quite-occupied body was sweating and muttering while she was absent, and I can see how that would subdue any inquisitiveness on Twilight's part, though she never mentioned actually being tempted so we'll never know.

Instead, she has her hands full trying to keep Sunset from immediately going back, as her friend's far too worn out to handle another trip.

        “Sunset, if you change the past, will it change the present?”

        “Yeah, I think so,” Sunset answered after a moment of thought. “That’s how it was changed in the first place and why you can’t remember Rainbow.”

        “That means you can fix it any time and it won’t have any negative effects on Rainbow or anyone’s past. You don’t have to rush through it, harming yourself in the process.”

This is pretty sound logic that I don't have a problem with. Time travel, by definition, does not have a time limit... unless it does, of course, but since it's pure fantasy anyway, it can work however it needs to to fit the story. Presumably, we'll discover any limitations on that ability when she gets to that part.

Sunset also doesn't know what, exactly, she's supposed to be doing in the past. Hast didn't really explain much, and she's never done it before so it's understandable that she's nervous.

        “Do you even know what you have to do in order to fix it?”

        “No.” Sunset sighed, laying down on the floor. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing when I go to fix it. I have no idea what the ‘right’ choice is or how to bring it about.”

        The two sat in silence for a few more moments, thinking. Twilight moved off the couch and lay next to her friend.

        “Why not just ask Rainbow Dash what happened that day?” Twilight proposed.

        Sunset looked at her, thinking it through. “That would be helpful, and give me more information…”

You know what would also be helpful? Reading the book that's conveniently bookmarked and highlighted on the exact moment in Rainbow Dash's life where the problem began. In theory, Sunset already read that part plus she got to watch it happen right in front of  her when she used the time displacer to open the portal! But no... for reasons too stupid to fathom, she's going to go badger someone who is effectively a complete stranger for deeply personal information. She's going to feel like an exceptional idiot when she finally realizes that the shenanigans that she's about to undertake were a complete waste of time because she already had the answers sitting in front of her the whole time.

Since there's presumably no time limit, I could understand searching for more clues as to who would do this in the first place. I could understand her wanting to learn more about the records themselves and what it means to be an Editor. Heck, I could even understand her stopping to talk with Rainbow Dash to see if this is an alternate future that even needs to be changed. After all, there are no evil monsters taking over the world and for all we know, Rainbow Dash could be perfectly happy. What I can't forgive is for Sunset to waste time running off to discover something that SHE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!

So with that in mind, she discovers that her book now has her name on it. Great, all she has to do is find the missing copy and the person who stole it should have their own name written on their version too. That's probably easier said than done but it could be used as proof once the perp has been caught.

So, just to make things needlessly complicated and/or difficult, we have Chapter Three: False Paths and Urgent Moves.

This whole chapter might exist because of questionable logic and a faulty premise, but it's not like it's actually bad. Here, we finally get to explore what this new world is like, and discover just how much Rainbow Dash has really changed. That also puts into perspective just how powerful this history altering magic is, and by extension, just how high the stakes are if Sunset fails her task.

So she trails Rainbow Dash at school, following her into an anime club. Um, okay. Dash is now a nerd. This is totally not world-shattering, but whatever. They're all watching a cartoon and Dash gets in an argument over whether Naruto is better than One Piece—excuse me—whether Ninja Y is better than Single Segment. This breaks an unexplained rule, and the punishment is, well, this:

Youtube Video

That video was linked directly from the story text, so I can only assume Dash dressed up as Derpy to seduce the Doctor. In general it's not a good idea to link stuff in the middle of the story as that forcefully expels the reader and breaks the flow, but this video was a lot better than the story I was reading, so I'm not even mad.

Anyway, this 'Nyan dance' is incredibly humiliating and degrading, so naturally, everyone records it on their cellphones (including Sunset). I don't know why Rainbow Dash goes through with it, but she rapidly exits stage left when finished, thus preventing Sunset from learning what happened in the past.

With the day a bust, Sunset invites her friends and they retreat to Sugarcube Corner. Not much happens except for an embarrassing moment when Pinkie steals the phone and plays the Nyan dance full-volume. Sunset also gets a note from Hast (via Pinkie) to talk with him. That's also awkward, because she can't tell her prying friends about him presumably because of her contract thing.

After the group breaks up, Fluttershy returns to speak to Sunset privately. She'd been close to Rainbow Dash in the past before something happened that changed her, but she doesn't know how or why that happened. She suggests talking to Spitfire, Dash's old coach, and then we get this gem:

        “Alright, thanks.” Sunset internally cursed at still having no answers. But… if Fluttershy remembered a little bit, she might remember more. “Are you sure you don’t know anything else about Rainbow Dash, don’t have any other feelings or memories about her?”

        “Um…  well…” Fluttershy looked around, trying to see if anyone was close enough to hear her. In a hushed tone, she continued. “I’ve never told anyone else this, but she was my first kiss.” Sunset sat in stunned silence, not knowing where this conversation was heading. Fluttershy noticed this and started waving her hands in front of her. “It wasn’t like that! She was dared to kiss me and I knew how much she wanted to be a part of the sportsy group, so I let her.”

Yes, it's pretty cheesy, but I'll take it. Little secrets like this might not contribute much to the plot, but they make for great character moments. They help remind us that these are supposed to be real people with lives, histories, and motives of their own. With a general dearth of character-defining moments, this little detail stood out like a shining gem.

        After getting home, Sunset went through her usual Friday ritual of eat, clean, TV, computer, sleep. She went to bed thinking over all the facts she learned over the day. What she didn’t realize was, in her skirt’s pocket, a small card was slowly crumbling into itself, burning away as she drifted off into sleep.

...and par for the course, Sunset immediately forgets Hast's note. It's good to know that TV and computer are part of the cycle of life these days. Ya can't break up that daily routine for anything, not if means missing out on cartoons and funny cat videos! That would just be so awful.

Youtube Video

Because this is much more important than helping Rainbow Dash recover her lost identity.

Well, Hast's note wasn't just a suggestion, as Sunset gets sucked into the Akashic Records in her sleep. We learn that there is a time limit after all, as uncorrected errors become permanent after a week. This is all part of the fine print of the contract, viewable only via microscope. Yes, Hast is a jerk. He still insists that he doesn't know who's messing with time, and points Sunset in Spitfire's direction before sending her off.

The inclusion of a time limit does add a certain amount of urgency to this endeavor, but she still has half a week left and has already done most of the leg work on this research project, even discounting the fact that everything she needs is already written down in that book. Thus, her sudden urgency feels like an over-reaction, as it nowhere near 'crunch' time yet.

        Sunset woke up with an abnormal lethargy. Forcing her eyes, she forced herself to get up. She felt drained; her arms were slow to move and her leg was asleep. Forcing herself up, she found a card by her bedside.

12:30, park. Time’s ticking.

-Hast

        Reading the card jogged Sunset’s memory and she lunged for her phone that was on the charger. Dialing a number, she sent up a silent prayer that the person would pick it up.

        “Hello?” Twilight asked, sounding like she was wide awake.

        “Twilight, it’s Sunset. I need you over here tonight so I can go to the past and fix it.” Sunset looked at the clock. It was only 10:24, so she had plenty of time.

See? even the story itself is telling us that she has plenty of time.

So with Twilight roped in, they go to the park to find Spitfire and, um...

        “Look, you’re kind of a local legend, kid.” Spitfire’s smile turned into a smirk. “Besides, how could I forget the person that saved my mind from some brainwashing? Thanks for that, by the way.”

        “N-no problem.” Sunset hadn’t expected to be thanked for her efforts. In Equestria, heroes were rarely mentioned, much less appreciated after the fact.

Hey look: random praise that somehow makes humans look better than ponies. While we're at it, let's suck Sunset's e-peen too. Because, why not? I bet it tastes like the sound of crushing duck skulls in a waffle iron, because that's just about as random and deserved and easy to swallow as this is.

        Spitfire’s eyes gave Sunset a full examination before they finally softened. “It was a couple of years ago. It was the semi-final against the Everfree’s Wolves. During the second half, right after the break, Rainbow did a slide tackle… right into a teammate’s knee, fracturing it.” Spitfire closed her eyes, as if reliving that day. “Rainbow… she couldn’t forgive herself for what she had done. I saw her confidence completely drain away in one instant. I tried helping her, we all did… but it didn’t help. She stopped coming to practice, and hasn’t touched a soccer ball since.”

So anyway, Spitfire just goes ahead and spills the beans. I could complain about that, but instead, I'd like to discuss the scenario that's laid out here. It's fairly obvious that Hast's playing both sides for fun (because he can), so this other person likely has to abide by a similar set of rules. Rule number two implied that they only get one chance to change things and have to live with unintended consequences if they screw up. Thus, it makes sense that any action taken would be guaranteed to knock out the target without leaving any room for error. And what better way is there to take someone out of a game than a crippling sports injury? Rainbow Dash may not have even been the intended target here. However, we, as readers, are never allowed to entertain that notion because:

A: This second person is never named.

B: The injury itself is one of those inconsistent details. In the time displacer, Rainbow Dash was aiming for the ankle. Here, it's a fractured knee. Later, it's a broken shin.

C: The story flat-out tells us that Rainbow Dash was the intended target, and that this was the perfect way to take her out.

In order to accept that as truth, we have to assume:

1: The other person would have to know ahead of time that Rainbow Dash would throw in the towel if she hurt somebody.

2: That they knew this specific action taken in the past would lead to an injury caused by Rainbow Dash: (Tying her teammate's shoes together.)

3: That they flawlessly accomplished all of this on the first try.

4: That Rainbow Dash's sports record was important enough that changing it would lead to a better future for themself. After all, Dash herself was completely unhurt.

That last item is more of a clue than a complaint but this whole setup still looks horribly contrived. Speaking of that clue, it still points to Lightning Dust who is still the only reasonable suspect. The only other option would be Hast himself, which, while possible, would be rather lame, honestly.

        “So, same plan as last time?” Twilight asked as she filled up the bucket with ice.

        “Close to the same.” Sunset opened the book to the appropriate pages and pulled out a timer. “I’m probably going to need a few more hours to fix this, so give me… 5 hours before you begin to try and pull me back.”

        Twilight gave her a thumbs up before writing down all the notes she could into her notebook. Sunset couldn’t help a small smile from showing on her face at seeing Twilight trying to learn magic when her other-self was the princess of it.

Okay, So Twilight is on alarm clock duty, but here she's shown to be studying the magic that Sunset's using when she enters the akashic records. This is a blatant violation of rule four, but nothing comes of it, because Twilight's only role in this story is to be an alarm clock.

        Sunset opened her eyes to find herself in front of a fountain with dark purple water. Sunset saw that she was once again in her equine form. Sunset looked around in a faint hope of having the book she needed to fix still with her, to no avail. Sunset was about to go off in search of it when she heard a voice coming from the front desk

This story has a rather unfortunate systemic problem on the technical level. I've held off mentioning it until now, because this is the perfect example. Every single sentence starts with SUNSET! Her name outnumbers the pronoun 'she' in this chapter by a ratio of 162 to 116! Given that she's the only character for much of the story, this is a horrible ratio. Constantly seeing her name over and over and over again makes it stick out like the only green M&M in a batch full of butt plugs. It's like her name is some sort of cancer that's metastasized and is slowly choking the life out of the story.

Honestly, you only have to mention a person's name once and can continuously use pronouns after that. The only time a name is actually needed is when there's ambiguity as to who a pronoun could be referring to. It's better to use pronouns whenever possible as they tend to be invisible are aren't as likely to detract from the story when repeated ad nauseam. But that repetition thing? Yeah, that's a problem too. Would it kill to have some variety in that sentence structure? Yeesh. To help illustrate these points, I'm going to revise that paragraph:

After diving back into the Akashic Records, Sunset found herself staring at that begrudgingly familiar, gurgling purple fountain which smelt faintly like watermelon. She was wholly equine, again. Mounds and mounds and stacks and rows upon rows of books in all directions loomed around her. A sharp pang overtook her when the book she needed failed to jump out at her. She'd never find it in this mess!

Wait—it was probably back where she'd left it with the time displacer, wasn't it? That made her feel better, but the knot in her gut wouldn't let go until she saw it safe and sound with her own pony eyes. She was about to rush down the isle in search of it when a voice boomed behind her.

I went ahead took the liberty of embellishing things as well. I guess what I was going for was to have more variety in the sentences with the name Sunset only appearing once, but I got carried away. I couldn't resist adding a bit more attention to detail too. Please note how a mixture of four senses (sight, sound, smell, and touch) blends together to create a more immersive environment. By 'touch', I'm referring to feelings, as that's how the body physically responds to emotional states.

Hast shows up to badger her and give her the book she left behind. He gives her an opportunity to ask more questions about the Editing thing, but she (incorrectly) feels as if she has enough information to do her job. After going through the time portal, she becomes human again, and starts watching the soccer game.

        Without warning, a familiar voice entered Sunset’s skull.

        “I forgot to ask, did you read the handbook on how to control the Time Displacer?” Hast asked.

        “What handbook?” Sunset thought back to him. There was a pause, though she heard pages being flipped through.

        “Now I know that I gave you the handbook for controlling the Time Displacer. I put it in your locker at school.”

        “I don’t use my locker!” Sunset tried to yell think back at him.

Erm, what? I'm pretty sure that we've seen Sunset use a locker at some point in one of the movies. At any rate, she isn't carrying a book bag around with her all the time so she must use a locker at some point. But okay, even if she doesn't use a locker, Hast is still a jerk.

He tells her how to start and stop time along with rewinding and stepping forward. There's some sort of limit to how much she can change, and once she does alter something and resume time she'll sucked back. So basically, she can only make one small change and she'll have to make it count.

Using these tools, she discovers that Rainbow's unnamed teammate's shoes suddenly get tied together, forcing her to trip. So naturally, Sunset tweaks the flow of time to discover exactly when this happened and undoes it. I... guess I can give props to the story for making it seem like tying shoes properly can be suspenseful?

Problem solved, she goes back to the records. The book has been altered again, and this time the altered section appears in her own handwriting. That sounds like a clue to me. All we have to do is flip back to the first chapter, and the nature of the handwriting in the book will tell us something about the nature of the perpetrator.

After a brief scan, she deduced it was about a soccer game, one Rainbow Dash had been in. There was, however, something odd. It looked as if someone had used white out and wrote their own story in place of the book. The font was different, as was the size of the letters.

Eeyep. It looks exactly like this. Exactly. Bask in its perfection.

Oh wait. It's just the font that changed. So either this person has the handwriting of a computer, or this is yet another example of the story being unable to keep its details straight. God forbid that any sort of consistency happen in a mystery. I mean, it isn't like the little things are supposed to fit together to form a bigger picture or anything. What's even the point of laying out a trail of breadcrumbs anyway when we only have one suspect?

Hast shows her how to return to the real world without needing to partake upon an ice bucket challenge. She asks Alarm Clock if anything's changed, but there's been no obvious effect on the timeline. Too worn out to go back, she'll have to sleep on it before complaining to the management. That wraps up chapter three.

At this point, I've said most of what I want to say about this story, so I'll just skim the last three chapters, highlighting the parts that stood out.

In Chapter 4: Aftermath, we learn that Sunset's change went through after all. It simply just took effect overnight, rather than immediately. We also learn what that means, as everyone except Sunset had their memories overwritten again. And, uh, that's basically it. There is some talk about making a plan to hunt down the villain, but Sunset's extracurricular activities have been effecting her grades and she gets called to the principal's office because she's in danger of losing her scholarship. The chapter ends with her being sent to the nurse's office, presumably because she's been falling asleep in class too much.

        Hast let go of the book, allowing it to move next to Sunset before responding. “I’d suggest you read it before you go about ‘fixing’ it again. Oh, and before I forget...” Hast, with a wave of his hand, pulled an envelope out of thin air, and made it disappear with one fluid motion. “There we go, done.”

        Sunset’s immediate response was just to glare at him. “Obviously it’s not fine. Twilight didn’t remember Rainbow Dash, meaning I didn’t do it right.”

        “Have you asked her that today?” Hast held out his hand and a book soared straight to it. Opening it, he scanned through one of the pages before looking back at her. “Nope, you didn’t ask her after the update.”

In this part, Hast not only flat-out tells Sunset to read the book, but he also reads the book himself, looking up Sunset's actions right before she came storming back into the records. Guess what Sunset doesn't actually do. At this point, I think I'd stand up and cheer if he crammed the damn thing directly into her brain.

        Sunset’s mind thought for a prime example, before turning to her pink haired philanthropist. “Fluttershy, do you remember telling me anything important on Friday?”

        “Um…” Fluttershy stared off into the distance, combing through her own memories. “Not that I know of.”

        Leaning towards her, Sunset cupped her mouth to Fluttershy’s ear and whispered so no one could hear her say, “Your first kiss was with Rainbow Dash.”

        Immediately the light yellow girl’s face turned a shade of orange as red embarrassment flooded her face. Quietly, she told the group, “She’s right.”

        The entire group was quiet at this, each one in the recesses of their minds having had a seed of curiosity planted. What could embarrass Fluttershy?

Okay, so that bit I praised earlier was actually included for a plot point. That's fine. It's healthy for a story to draw upon past events like this. This is one of the few moments where Sunset does something that could be considered clever, in contrast to her usual fare of looking like a total idiot.

I should also say a few things about the chronology, as Sunset's time spent in the alternate timeline also passed when she returned to the main one. Given that her friends didn't notice her missing for a week, that must mean that they remembered her being present, even though she technically wasn't. What she was supposedly doing in that time shall forever remain a mystery, as she does not read the book, and the story goes into no further detail on this.

        Sunset got up and left the room, leaving Celestia to contemplate. Several minutes after she was gone, Celestia opened a drawer in her desk. Inside were two files. Taking the top one out, she pulled out her phone and sent a text to Vice Principal Luna.

Schedule Rainbow Dash a medical exam and get me the files on Fluttershy.

The chapter ends on this note. Principal Celestia is now also investigating the magical stuff, by, uh, reviewing Fluttershy's student records? Well, it's not like she has some magical book that just gives her all the answers, so I guess that's as good of a place to start as any. The medical exam does kinda make more sense, though if she just wants to talk it'd be more sensible to call Dash into her office instead.

In Chapter 5: Medical Test, Sunset goes to the nurse's office for a full physical including blood work. She hasn't had any vaccines, apparently, though I don't think you can vaccinate against idiocy. At any rate, they're interrupted when Lightning Dust is rushed in because she'd fainted during soccer practice. No surprise, she gets sent home early, and Sunset has to escort her.

After that's all sorted out, she discovers that Princess Twilight's been trying to get in touch with her from the pony world, but that's been impossible due to timey-wimey stuff. It even blocked the gateway between worlds despite her best efforts. They set up a time to meet later, but let's be frank. That's obviously not going to happen because whoever messed up time in the first place is just going to do it again.

Sunset finally remembers that she's supposed to read a book, but it's not the big book with all the answers that she goes for. Nope, can't have that! She runs back to school to retrieve the user manual Hast put in her locker. It turns out that it's also a magic sucky book, and she curses Hast before preparing to use it. And that's chapter five.

        “I wasn’t dehydrated.” Lightning shot a glare outside the window. “I wasn’t thirsty. I just fainted after looked at Rainbow.” Lightning finally allowed for a shiver to come over her. “It was weird.”

        “How was that weird?” Twilight looked back, cocking her head. “It sounds like a normal coincidence to me.”

        “When I saw Rainbow it was like…” Lightning tried moving her hands, as if trying to grasp the proper words. “It’s like my mind broke, I guess? It was like there were two ideas at the same time in my head, and it just beat me over the head with pain.”

        The car was silent for a few seconds. This silence was broken with an excited screech from Twilight, who all but turned around in her seat to look at Sunset.

        “Do you think it has anything to do with the magic?” she asked, an enthusiastic smile on her face. “Do you think it may have affected her?”

While escorting Lightning Dust home, Sunset meets up with Flash and Twilight. This conversation takes place while they're all together. Here, we learn that Lightning Dust suffered an adverse reaction to the timeline's being corrected, and she's quite literally the only person aside from Sunset who even noticed that anything was different. This should throw up giant red flags that she could, perhaps, be involved in this directly. But no, they don't even ask her about it. They'd rather just spell out all of their plans for dealing with this magic nonsense while she's right there, sitting in the car, listening to them. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb...

Chapter 6: Missing (unedited)

It's never a good sign when the author releases a chapter labelled as unedited.

Author's Note:

Warning, this is an unedited version uploaded only for the NaPoWriMo challenge.

This is not a final product. It is a rough draft that I needed to post in order to get over the 10k mark.

I would suggest not reading until the (unedited) addendum is removed.

Remember, Criticism is always welcome.

Right... so we're not supposed to read it, but it's fine to leave criticism. How is that supposed to work? Are we supposed to just criticize this author's note, then? :trollestia:

FYI: NaPoWriMo stands for National Pony Writing Month, an event held by Equestria Daily. You can check out how well everyone did here.

By the way, you don't actually have to publish all of your content for them to verify your word count. A simple link to each unpublished chapter (along with the password if you've set one) will do.

This final chapter in its unedited glory has a lot happening in many small scenes. In fact, I counted seven, which averages out to about five hundred words per scene. That's a bit misleading, though, as some of these line breaks are extraneous. For example, there's no perspective shift, no time shift, and little spacial shift between the first two scenes. In fact, they're separated only by Sunset walking through a door. What's the point of adding a divider there?

        Hast snapped and disappeared, reappearing behind the desk. He was now dressed in his normal outfit. “This isn’t the Akashic records. You are, actually, in the tutorial book.” Hast swiveled in his chair, doing a full rotation. When he came back around, he had a little laptop on his lap. On it was a map of the records.

        “See, this doesn’t actually have the full wings of books, only a much smaller selection of practice books. It also has the editor’s area, as well as all the tools you’ve unlocked.”

        “Tools I’ve unlocked?” Sunset got a little closer. “What do you mean?”

        “Naturally we can’t trust a new editor with tools that could rip the space-time continuum in two, so that’s restricted until you’ve fixed a few mistakes.” Hast gave her a grin. “Though, since you’ve successfully fixed an issue, you probably have a new tool. You can see what you’ve unlocked in this room right here.” Hast pointed to a room marked Armory.

Hmm. I'm detecting a vile whiff, an abhorrent scent, a nasty funk. An egg, hardly fresh and recently broken gives off wondrous yellowish fumes that titillate the senses in comparison to this. Month-old dead fish lying in rows upon rows atop oily, half-composted fruity garbage and raw sewage freshens the air in comparison to this. The musk of the polecat could be applied as perfume in its company. What I'm talking about, of course, is the unmistakable stench of video game mechanics.

See, video games are vastly different mediums from fanfiction. They share the same glowing screen, sometimes, and that's about it. Games are interactive and put heavy emphasis on visuals, sounds, and feedback. By contrast, writing is passive, consisting only of pure text, and it's up to the reader's imagination to fill in the visuals and other details. There are many limitations on both genres, so it's important to know how to cover for them.

Video games are logical constructs. They operate on a set of rules as determined by machine code. There's a limit to the complexity of these faux universes as determined by the ambitions and resources of the programmers. As such, they tend to highly unrealistic, featuring massive amounts of contrivances—and that's fine. Game play is often the main driving factor of whether a person likes a video game or not.

Stories are basically social constructs. They're limited only by language and live or die based on effective communication. Without any sort of direct control or sensory stimulation, immersion can be fragile. Thus, care must be taken to ensure that the story remains thematically coherent and that the events contained within remain plausible within the story's own terms. Randomly tossing in a massive amount of contrivances simply to make an otherwise serious story more like a video game tends to shatter this effect.

In the above quote, there's a tutorial without a tutor, and new tools automatically become available. Discord Hast clearly isn't taking responsibility for Sunset's training, so he doesn't count. That leaves... nothing. Typically speaking, when people are left on their own, they should have to learn by themselves, rather than enjoying the luxury of being spoon fed by some non-existent entity that somehow knows how much Editing they've done.

        Sunset heard a ringtone. Hast reached into his pocket, pulling out a comically large cellphone. Clicking a button, he put it up to his ear. “Hello?” Hast was silent for a time, only nodding. “Be there soon.” Clicking another button, Hast put the phone away, making a face. “Well, I have to go and explain something now. Toodles!” WIth another snap, Hast was gone.

        Sunset stood still for a moment, before asking to no one. “Explain to who?”

And besides, he's clearly playing both sides.

I'm not going to bother going over the stuff in the armory, except to state that it's yet more overpowered garbage. Sunset also drools over this 'Editor' tech like Princess Twilight drooled over the human tech, so there is that too.

While poking stuff and reading the pop-up windows, Sunset gets awakened by her alarm clock, thus proving that human Twilight's entire role in this story was superfluous. On her way out, she forgets to lock the door. In a story, mentioning that someone forgot to lock the door basically says that not only are they about to be robbed, but they deserve it because they were too stupid to lock the door.

Next comes a scene where Sunset argues with her friends about whether Rainbow goes to family dinners or not. Honestly, that part doesn't make a whole lot of sense unless we haven't been introduced to all the suspects yet. Better late than never, I guess. Also, if Sunset really wants to know she can just look it up in that magical book of hers. Yeah, I'm never going to stop mentioning that, because it's never going to stop being a 'thing', and it's never going to cease sucking the life out of everything.

After school ends for the day, Sunset and Twilight bum a ride from Flash over to Crystal Prep to pick up Twilight's lab equipment. This scene somehow makes even less sense. What kind of school allows people who aren't even students there to store a bunch of stuff in private labs? Am I really supposed to be shocked when they discover that everything is missing? Forget being stolen—the janitor probably threw it all in the dumpster where was eaten by raccoons.

Upon returning home, Sunset discovers that's she's an idiot she's been robbed too. But seriously, though, forgetting to lock the door was completely unnecessary, as I sincerely doubt that any person after her magical junk would be stopped by a locked door.

        Both the Book of History and the Instantaneous Message Journal were gone.

Now this is a development that I wholeheartedly agree with. For once, Sunset has a valid excuse for not turning to the book to instantly solve all of her problems. However, it comes too late in the story to deny her omniscience, as the thief didn't take her tutorial book. Using that, or just entering the records by going to sleep, it's been revealed that she can set the Time Displacer to 'view only' mode and watch her house and/or Twilight's lab get robbed and use its magical powers to track down the thief. See? No need to draw this all out in some sort mystery story—oh wait.

And that's all that's been published so far.

You might spend your whole life helping students bloom, and then you get something like that. And you die a little inside, as you realize exactly what they're blooming into. Life is certainly full of, erm, 'challenges.' Let's leave it at that.

Editor Required has no shortage of 'challenges' too, starting with that misleading title. In summary, these are the things that stood out to me:

On a technical level, grammar and such was not flawless, but good enough. Please separate paragraphs with spaces, rather than indentions, especially when importing from GDocs. Do not be afraid to use pronouns, try to vary sentence structure more, and pay more attention to detail. Do you really want to see that picture of Hastlluminati again? Also, be consistent.

        Twenty minutes later, Sunset was walking down the hallways accompanied by Lightning Dust. The latter wasn’t even trying to stifle her laughter.

        “That didn’t happen,” Sunset said, her voice sounding dead even to her ears. “Nothing that occurred in the nurse’s office happened.”

        “Don’t worry,” Lightning Dust assured, stifling another round of laughter. “Though I don’t know if I can keep quiet about the nurse chasing you down the hallway.” This time she didn’t hold back, letting out all her stifled giggles.

Can anyone parse this and tell me exactly what Lightning Dust's state of mirth is? No? I didn't think so, either.

The characterization is somewhat shallow, though recognizable. Left to themselves, the kids tend to act appropriately, but when it comes time to advance the plot they either pick up the idiot ball or break character entirely. The Twilights really got the raw end of that deal. Possibly best princess ignored everything that was important to her and drooled over shiny human toys while the other one logiced herself into a medieval torture device because that's how cruel it was to her character. The only one who remained consistent the whole time was Discord, except that he's called 'Hast' for some reason. As for Sunset, well...

I'm going to reiterate just how dumb it is to make the main character omniscient in a mystery. Had she actually taken advantage of that, the story would have been over halfway through chapter two and it would have been awful—not that it isn't cringeworthy enough watching her bumble around trying to solve things the hard way when the answers were literally shoved right in front of her face.

In my opinion, there really should have been only one book, and stuff should have gone downhill when it was stolen. Facing off against an opponent who can read your every move and alter history itself would be a daunting task for anyone, and a good story premise too, except when the protagonist can do it too but decides not to because plot. Without Sunset's unused copy of the magic book looming over everything, her decision to interview people about Rainbow's past would have made sense, for example. The only other tweak I'd recommend would be ensuring that the stuff in the Akashic Records is all printed in a language that she can't understand, including all that 'tutorial' nonsense too. Forcing her to go through Hast for everything is far more amusing than letting her level up and unlock stuff because no good reason.

Speaking of which, it might seem clever to make the story more like something else that people enjoy, but it isn't. Just say 'NO' to video game mechanics. Just don't. Don't go there. You will regret it. Even video game crossovers tend to shun them.

Honest Attempt Medal ~ Granted to fics that might be failures in writing and/or execution, but still have good ideas that could have been made to work with more effort and polish.

Conspicuous Contrivances Award ~ Given to stories that are reliant on an absurdly-unlikely set of convenient circumstances and a questionably "perfect" series of events.

The entire sequence of events that set up the story's premise was just one continuous contrivance after another.

Shoddy Script Award ~ Granted to stories with inconsistent and otherwise lackluster characterization, often a result of poor, rushed writing. Also applies for when any character, canon or otherwise, is behaving out of character.

I've giving this award simply for the story's mistreatment of the two Twilights.

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