Ponyville was pretty shit in all honestly, from what I could see from the chariot there was a large circular building surrounding by loads of houses made of white wood and what looked to be fucking hay for their roofs. So what, they ate hay and used it as building materials? Damn, there better not be any hungry or homeless ponies or I'll be having words with the builders around here. Various ponies seemed to be walking around talking to other ponies. A normal town then, there was also a market placed to the left of the circle building, directly under the sun by the looks of it, so east? There was a large tree with a balcony just above the main buildings and homes, and a large, very dense and dark looking forest below the town. I wasn't sure what it was, but that forest looked, and felt, evil. I wasn't sure how a forest could feel evil, but this bitch did.

"Hey, Diamond, what's with the evil looking forest over there?" I asked. Diamond looked towards the tree line that seemed to span miles.

"That is an Everfree Forest. A dark, dangerous place and I wouldn't advise going inside." Diamond replied, oh I would be going in there, a lot.

"Dangerous? Right next to a town? Seems a bit stupid." I muttered. I didn't see Diamond nod, I was just staring at the forest.

"It wasn't always like this." Diamond muttered, then said nothing, for a time. "There are various forests like this all over the world, where the dark, twisted creatures go to survive. The largest, and most dangerous, is below Canterlot. Everfree Central. Nopony goes there. Ever." Diamond muttered, he sounded on edge suddenly.

"You seem, scared Diamond?" I asked, slowly.

"A lot of friends have gone into that forest after thieves or to fight a wondering Hydra or other beast, and never come out." Diamond muttered, his voice quieter than normal. I decided to say nothing and just waiting until we landed, which we did fairly quickly. The chariot flew over the town in a circle, the two pilots discussing possible landing zones, after about a minute the just decided to land outside the town hall, which I presumed was the big circular building.

"How come I didn't see it then?" I asked.

"Everfree Central?" Diamond asked back.

"Well, yeah. You'd think I would notice a huge fucking forest." I replied.

"We exited Canterlot at the back, facing away from the mountain. Had we headed west then you may have seen it but much of the mountain covers seeing the forest. Not many ponies, well, except any who come from the west. Really know about the forest, even the train doesn't go at an angle to see it."

"You lot have trains here?" I asked, Diamond nodded.

"You probably won't ever use it though."

"We had to do this with Twilight Sparkle, just land in the same place." One of them had said during their conversation, so I suppose these were the only two chariot drivers, or maybe the only two who made journeys between Ponyville and the capital.

The chariot came down and landed right next to the round building, the builders and whoever hired the builders obviously had a disagreement of how many flowers were needed to be planted outside, this shit was covered in roses and dandelions and crap. Hey, I only know two flowers, well tulips I guess, so three. I can flower.
I got off and instantly saw the large crowd of ponies that had seemingly instantly, and from nowhere, appeared. Many of them tried to get close, but after Diamond dropped his spear down in a straight line, straight at the pony crowd, they fucked off, well, stopped trying to get close. Murmurs were coming up from the crowd;

"What is it?"
"Is it a monster?"
"Why is it here?"
"Did the Princess send it?"

So apparently The God Princess of all of Equestria and Lady of the Sun, had forgotten to send a message to the town leader and tell the ponies I was coming, brilliant. Not that I cared, I was only here to protect Twilight or some shit, how Celestia had thought I could protect anything, let alone her personal fucking student. I was no fighter. Whatever her methods, I was only here for Twilight and until Celestia figures out this magic crap I apparently have inside me. I just looked to Diamond as the chariot drove off, oh good thing I didn't leave anything on there, might have left my wallet of something. Though I doubted ponies would accept pound notes. Being medieval looking they might accept coins, who knows though. I didn't bring anything but this little bag of clothes so it didn't matter anyway.

"Let's go find fucking Twilight already." I grunted seeing how the crowd hadn't dispersed. If Celestia wanted me to be smuggled into Ponyville subtly, she hired the wrong fucking pilots to do it, she shouldn't have sent me when I had a killer hangover, or during the day either. Though the fresh air of the flight seemed to fix my headache a little bit. Diamond's eye wouldn't get fixed by some fresh air though, I tried not to look at it. I really didn't want to learn what happened last night.

"Alright sir." Diamond muttered and began to trot forward, the sea of ponies dispersing as he moved, I followed closely, none of the ponies said anything I could understand, just, whispers.

"Fuck off Diamond, enough with the sir." I grunted, Diamond most likely smiled at that but said nothing. He was already less of an asshole then yesterday, still a cunt, but a decent one. What I was worried for was meeting Twilight, I felt ill being around this large of a crowd, but I hadn't had to talk to any. Twilight though, most fucking likely. We walked toward the town, deeper into Ponyville, between houses and shops.
Quills and Sofas, the strangest looking, and sounding shop I had ever seen.

We seemed to be heading for that huge tree that I had seen when we came in, at one point we had to cross the most pointless bridge ever, there was a river, well, stream. Like a single stream of water crossing through the town with a pink and cobble bridge going across. Honestly about ninety percent of this bridge was covering ground, not water. I stopped at the bridge and watched Diamond cross it, I laughed and just went over the stream, not ever touching the water.

"Was that necessary Diamond?" I asked, looking back at the bridge.

"What, the bridge?" He asked.

"Well no, being fair, there is a dip there so I suppose in the winter or when it rains heavily, there will be a full blown stream, but at the moment. You don't need to cross that fucking bridge do you." I replied, Diamond looked at it and nodded.

"I'm sorry sir, I will try not to." Diamond muttered, I punched his shoulder.

"You fucking stop that sir crap or I will keep hitting you." I grunted. Glaring at him.

"You threaten a stallion with a spear?" He asked.

"Good point, I still stand by my phrase, you can't wear that thing forever. Plus, would Celestia be too happy if she found out you murdered her favourite human." I replied quickly.

"Yes, if she found out you have assaulted a member of her royal guard. She would take that as an act of war." Diamond muttered, serious. "And you're the only fucking human she knows." He whispered.

"Well, it ain't no act of war of said guard is being a little bitch about it. Plus, I'd win." I muttered, laughing slightly, Diamond seemed to catch on I wasn't being serious and finally joined in.

"I have no doubt of that, I could see you as being Princess of Equestria." Diamond said.

"Oh god no, fucking Sunbutt can have that job. I wanna be the fucker who kicked the royal guard's asses and lived to tell the tale, only to get bitch slapped by Celestia for fucking up her country." I replied.

"You believe yourself to take on an army of armed, trained guards but as soon as Celestia comes into the picture it's too far. Maybe you really are her escort."

"I resent that, I ain't no slut, I don't really know what to do if it comes to that, especially with a fucking horse. Plus I'm sure she could fight if she wanted."

"She has guards for a reason."

"How much you willing to bet Celestia can kick more ass than your little guard army?" That got Diamond confused.

"Bet?" He asked. "Another earth word I presume?" He added.

"You don't bet here? Damn, you have fucking alcohol but not betting, well in the concept I meant it, I would give you something, like money, if Celestia really was useless in a fight, but if she isn't, and only has guards as a threat to her enemies, which she will have many of. You would give me money." I explained.

"Ah I see, well how much will we bet, and how would we know when the bet is over?" He asked.

"Well I don't understand the currency and how well your economy is at the moment, so I'll come back to you on that. But you will know if Equestria ever gets invaded or something, or if Celestia ever has to fight. If not, then the bet will never be complete since none of the variables have happened." I replied, Diamond nodded again and I noticed how we were right outside the massive tree, it had a huge red door, tones of fucking windows, a sign outside with a book on, so maybe a library? Which I suppose made sense, the personal student of Celestia has to study a lot. There was a balcony on the roof with a telescope on it, I wonder how useful that came in? I could just here a buzz of bees from, somewhere, but wasn't sure where.

"What should we do?" I asked. Diamond looked at me as if I was a child.

"Well fucking knock." He grunted. I nearly slapped the fucker.

"Good idea." I muttered, “Also, you're getting better at swearing, well done." I added, Diamond smiled slightly and I turned away from him to knock on the door. As I raised my hand however, the door opened.
In front of me, or more so, below me was a small, green and purple, creature. It had spikes down its back and two four clawed hands and two great big green eyes. It looked up to me and screamed the most girl-like scream I think I have ever heard.

"Twilight! That, alien, Celestia sent is here!" The creature shouted. It sounded like a child, more worrying, a dude.

"Cheers, can I. Can I come in?" I asked, quickly. The creature looked confused but got out of the way to let me and Diamond enter. I felt out of place already, what the fuck was that thing.

"Spike? Hold on!" A feminine voice sounded from a platform upstairs. I noticed the large amount of bookshelves around the place, as well as a couple doorways, one actually had a doorway, and fuck knows where that went. Another was opened and seemed to be some kind of kitchen. There was also a stairway up onto the wooden platform the voice had called from, that was about it for the library though. Or at least, this floor. Suddenly a purple face appeared over the platform, there was a horn protruding from the ponies purple and, slightly, brighter? Purple hair. She saw me and looked disgusted, only for a second, yeah I know I'm ugly as, but you don't have to keep screaming and throwing up. Not that I had the bravery to say that. Funny though, kinda.

"So you are that, human the Princess has told me about. You are to stay here until she understands your magical, condition? Correct?" Twilight (I hope) asked. I nodded.

"Yes." I said quietly.

"She didn't tell me you were so shy. You and Fluttershy would get along." Twilight muttered sarcastically, oh good. Another one.
Fuck.

"He has what he calls, Social Anxiety, a human trait I believe." Diamond explained for me, I nodded and smiled. Twilight nodded too.

"And you are?" Twilight asked, we had obviously interrupted, something here, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

"Diamond ma'am, Aron's protector." Diamond replied, saluting.

"I'll be having none of that, I am just a pony, like you. Well, not as armed." Twilight muttered, pointing a hoof at the salute. YES! Someone else who hated the salutes and crap. Diamond was far out of his league then.

"Of course, ma- of course Miss Twilight." Diamond muttered, nodding.

"No need for 'Miss' either, just Twilight please Diamond." Twilight muttered, smiling warmly, why did she seem nicer than the God-Princess who fucking everyone loved. Probably copying her mentor most likely. Maybe not though.

"So, Aron I presume. How are you for food?" Twilight asked.

'Well I mainly eat fish back at home but here you all seem to be vegetarians so anything that isn't horse food would be grand. So bread, apples and vegetables I suppose.' Is what I wanted to say, instead I got:

"Anything really, I don't care." Thankfully Twilight saw through the anxiety, or through, something.

"Well you probably don't eat flowers or hay or anything. Are you a predator where you come from?" Twilight asked. I silently thanked her before replying.

"If you mean, meat. Yes, if you have fish or something like that then I'd be happy, but honestly. Anything that isn't hay or flowers I can eat. Veg and fruit I can eat." I replied, wow, an actual answer, that was shocking for me.

"I see. Well my friend Fluttershy tends to a lot of animals, many I'm sure you would eat. So that is out of the question, however I'm sure i can get some fish from her, trout or cod maybe?" Twilight asked, damn this pony was on the ball. I liked her already.

"Yeah fish is great thank you." Oh gods, the politeness I had when I was shy, fuck sake me!

"Good good. I have some things to do in Ponyville today, perhaps you would like to come, it’s to do with the Sunset Celebration, I'm sure Celestia mentioned it to you, it's why I am here. Though there may be something else happening soon." Twilight began to drift towards the end but picked the sentence back up. "You are welcome to join me." She finished, I turned to Diamond.

"Wanna go?" I asked. Diamond shook his head slightly.

"I would like to rest sir, this hangover is killing me." Diamond grunted, he then realised his mistake and I punched him, then he panicked. "I mean, ignore the sir bit." He added quickly, too late.

"We would love to come with you Twilight, I can get a lay out of the town." I accepted, Twilight smiled, Diamond grunted, that creature Spike was gone, somewhere.

The town was so fucking boring, like there was nothing here, a couple shops, ponies fucking everywhere and more houses than what the food production should cover, but I suppose they still had trade, and were fairly well of being this close to the capital, though with from what Diamond told me and from what I saw, it seemed strange that Canterlot was even getting that much food and trade. Being on top of a fucking mountain and all, plus the fact a really evil and dangerous forest lay below. It seemed odd that the capital would be in such a high up and dangerous location, but I suppose it kept any invaders out. If Equestria had any that is. Well, enough to send spies from Mirrors, whatever that meant.

"First we need to go check up on the food again at Applejack's Farm, we may have to stay there for lunch, so I hope you're hungry." Twilight said from ahead of Diamond and me, he seemed to be pissed and said nothing. I just nodded and muttered 'alright'.

"You really are shy aren't you?" The purple pony asked, turning to me, I just nodded.

"Yep, I hate it." I replied, suddenly. Twilight jumped a bit, obviously not expecting that. I shrugged and kept walking. Twilight smiled slightly and turned back towards the outside of town, there was a large pink building that looked more like the town hall than the apparent town hall, it had a clock tower on it and white/pink ends on the roof as well as love hearts fucking everywhere.

"What is that?" I asked, Twilight turned to look at the building.

"Oh that's the schoolhouse." Twilight replied casually. Not saying much else.

"Why isn't anyone here?" I asked, wow that was a dumb question, but still, I could at least learn a bit about pony culture.

"It's Sunday, so the colts and fillies aren't at school. It's the weekend!" Twilight said, I nodded and slightly yay'ed. Thank fuck there were weekends here, gives me more reason to not work. "Plus with the Summer Sun Celebration coming up, it's a national holiday, they've had the whole week to prepare for this." She added.

"That celebration thingy is a massive thing isn't it?" I asked, Twilight nodded and smiled.

"Bigger than Hearth's Warming." She said, I gave a puzzled look but didn't want them to ask what that was, not yet anyway. It sounded like Valentine's Day. That was fairly big but there were a lot bigger, like Star Wars Day, or Christmas.

"I see." I muttered, and turned back to Diamond, who glared at me. "Bitch it's better than staying at the castle all day unmoving, plus you called me sir so do one." I grunted, Diamond smiled slightly and Twilight stopped to look at us.

"Did you just call your guard a dog?" Twilight asked.

"Swearing, it's a human thing. I'm teaching Diamond here." I explained quickly, well my anxiety was passing, for now.

"Can you teach me?" Twilight asked, curious sounding.

"Oh gods no, swearing is a terrible, terrible thing and ponies shouldn't be doing it." I replied, very patronising.

"Then why are you teaching Diamond, and why do you do it?" She asked.

"Because I'm not overly sure Diamond is a pony, and not some strange stone statue that came to life with the power of depression and sadness. As for me, force of habit." I replied quickly.

"Sir. Please." (Stahp) Diamond grunted, he didn't seem that pissed though.

"That's not a very nice thing to say about your friends." Twilight muttered, thinking slightly before her answer.

"Well whilst Diamond keeps up with this Sir bullshit, we aren't friends." I grunted. And hit the pony, lightly, I did actually like Diamond enough not to piss him off over the edge.

"Why does he call you a sir anyway? Were you a knight back where you come from?" Twilight asked, she seemed to have ignored the punch I gave Diamond.

"Celestia-" I began.

"Princess Celestia." Twilight grunted. I rolled my eyes.

"Sunbutt gave me this bullshit title of Temporary Defender of Harmony and Diamond has taken that upon himself to actually believe that and call me sir constantly even after telling him to shut the fuck up." I replied, looking to the guard, who was unfazed, just standing there looking so fucking done. After that sentence, Twilight fucking bowed.

"I had no idea you were a Defender, even a Temporary one. Twilight Sparkle, at your service." She muttered, whispering some prayer or something.

"Get up, you're worse than him, it's only so I have some authority if anyone tries to kill me or something. I was told I needed to protect you." I said, Diamond coughed a lot, major hint I had fucked up somewhere, Twilight stood up, confused.

"Protect me? From what?" She asked. I looked to Diamond quickly, who looked panicked.

"Well, from- err." I began. "From possible spies, Celestia was told that there may be spies, well, paparazzi looking for you, I am to discourage them, protect you from the media, so to speak." I fucking prayed to every God I knew that Twilight understood that, and Equestria had a media. Zeus, Yniss, Giant Spaghetti Monster, anyone? Luckily, Twilight got it and blushed.

"I didn't realise I was popular enough for security." She muttered quietly.

"You're the Princesses only student, if the whole world doesn't know you already they are idiots. Or cavemen, well, ponies." I grunted, Twilight smiled again and looked at me, blushing harder. She didn't say anything for a while and kept looking at me, I looked between her and Diamond, in silence. Diamond looked much less worried but still his mundane look remained.

"Applejack's?" I finally asked, Twilight jumped and shook her head a little bit, then nodded.

"Of- of course, she isn't far." Twilight said, nodding again and walking off, after a pause me and Diamond followed.

"That motherfucker, is how to get a mare, well, a mare interested." I muttered to Diamond who coughed a laugh, then went back to asshole look.

"Really? The Princesses student." He muttered finally.

"Nah, I ain't fucking no horse til I've been here longer, try and control my anxiety. Though it's being good thus far. Haven't thrown up." I replied quickly. Laughing slightly.

"You have really thrown up because of that 'anxiety'." Diamond asked.

"Don't quote that shit like you don't have it here, I'm sure someone here must have it. And yes, my first interview for a job I threw up because there were four of the fuckers and I had forgotten to prepare beforehand." I replied, truthfully.

"Did. Did you get the job?" Diamond asked carefully, I glared at him.

"Well luckily it was a fucking McDonalds so yes." That was a lie, though it would make a lot of sense with their food, fucking KFC all the way. Before Diamond asked what that was, I answered. "It's a fast food restaurant, so you go in, ask for food and get it within minutes. It's cheap, sort of as well, just most, like McDonalds. Are shite." Diamond closed his open mouth and nodded.

We walked along a little bit more and noticed how we were getting further and further away from what seemed civilization, though I could see a huge orchard of trees ahead, and a barn of some sort was beginning to come into view, I also noticed how many mountains there were around here, Ponyville as a whole was fairly flat, a couple small hills and mounds here and there. But nothing special, so how had the land formed like that for mountains to completely surround this place. How did anyone get in and out of this area without using Pegasi transport? Or maybe that's all anybody did. I decided to ask Diamond about it, since Twilight had found herself so far ahead.

"How come there are so many mountains around here?" I asked, a shit way to word the question, but I couldn't be bothered to think of another phrase.

"What do you mean?" Diamond asked. Looking around.

"Well, this town, except for some hills and stuff, is fairly flat. So how did such a flat area, end up surrounded in mountains. Was this a defensive location once upon a time?" I asked. Diamond, naturally. Looked pissed and bored.

"I don't know, the old capital used to be in the centre of The Everfree Forest, until Princess Luna became corrupt and the castle was reduced to ruins. That and the Everfree began to grow on all the Chaos." Diamond replied. "So with so many mountains, and back then the Everfree would have been a normal forest, so a forest as well so close by. I suppose you could call it a defensive location." He added, I just nodded. Probably something to ask Celestia about to be honest. But Diamond gave a good enough answer for now.

"Well! Here we are. Sweet Apple Acres." Twilight declared. Somewhere ahead, me and Diamond sped up a little and went over a small hill to be in front of that barn I had spotted earlier. There was a wooden fence running in both directions and a small archway with some more hearts on it with a sign saying 'Sweet Apple Acres' on it. Which anyone could have guessed after Twilight's declaration. There were ponies everywhere, most had a sort of western/cowboy get up with Stetson hats and everything. I could see where this was going to go and was done before I even entered the farm.

"Here be southerners." I muttered, Diamond grunted but said nothing, probably wondering what I meant. Twilight was deeper into the farm talking to some orange pony with three apples on her ass. I wondering in as casually as a human in Equestria could. Carefully, slowly, and following Twilight, almost like stealth I suppose. Until fucking Diamond just wondered in and trotted over to Twilight, the orange pony noticed me.

"Is this that alien y'all are keeping now?" The pony asked, how in the hells had my arrival been so highly known, well with a military escort and an armed guard would bring up a lot of attention straight away.
Noticing Twilight hadn't answered and was looking to me to reply, bitch. I did the natural thing. I bowed, as low as I could.

"Aron is the name, I'm a human of Earth, brought here because magic." I muttered, trying to sound fancy. Which sounded cooler in my head I'll say.

"Alright Aron, mah name is Applejack, I live here at this here farm and am at your service as long as you are Twilight's guest, though I expect the same kinda respect." The orange pony replied, ohh an honour system of sorts, this'll be fun.

"Absolutely Applejack, I'm sure Twilight is a decent enough sort so hopefully I'll be staying with her until I can get rid of this magic." I replied, which was a lie, from Celestia's little chat with me on Earth, I'd be here a long time. It seemed nice enough so far, I just hoped I wouldn't have to do any fighting or whatever Celestia expected of me.
As it turns out, life is a bitch, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

"I've known Twilight since she came to Ponyville, and she's already a good friend, right Twi?" Applejack asked, Twilight blushed and nodded. "She didn't have many friends when she arrived, but this Sunset Celebration has brought us together." The farmer pony added, I nodded. Diamond was talking to some other pony far off into the farm, some green coated blonde mare. What a guard Diamond was.

"Well I already have Diamond, but friends are welcome." I replied, smiling slightly and folding my arms.

"Yeah, he looks friendly." Applejack muttered, clearly unsure, looking towards the spear the guard was wearing.

"Don't worry about his spear, he knows how to use it." I replied, Applejack nodded but kept staring at it. "It's for my protection, wouldn't want Equestria's only human to be killed by a butterfly or something." I added.

"If y'all think that a butterfly is the greatest threat to your life. Just wait til you meet Pinkie Pie." Applejack replied, laughing slightly, it was a cute laugh I'll give her that.

"Yeah, Aron, you may want to prepare yourself for her." Twilight agreed, I then began to worry, these two actually sounded scared of this pony, oh gods.

"I'll miss out meeting her then." I muttered.

"You'll have to meet her one day, she probably knows your here already." Twilight replied.

"One, no I don't. I'll flee to Canterlot before that. Two, so does everyone in fucking Ponyland. I ain't prepared to meet whatever hell beast you are so worried about." I said quickly, breathing quickly.

"Whoa there Aron, she ain't scary, just, hyper." Applejack muttered. Fuck.

"Yep, that's what I'm afraid of." I replied. Diamond had come back over and was just staring at me. "Fuck I hate this anxiety." I grunted.

"Calm down Aron, I'll meet Pinkie first and tell her to keep it calm." Twilight muttered, she actually sounded genuinely worried so hats off for her.

"Alright, if she isn't though. I will have to flee." I replied, nodding slightly, which was a lie, if she panicked me to much I'd punch her, but I suppose that wouldn't go over well with Twilight, nor the new pony. Twilight just nodded and Applejack just stared, I preferred the nods really.

"Well Applejack, unless you need any help, we need to move on to check on the others." Twilight said, I smiled slightly and I swear I heard Diamond take a breath, he seemed done at the prospect of other ponies already, he wouldn't get a girlfriend by avoiding everyone. Same as I wouldn't gain any pony friends by hiding in a library, not the first time I've done it though.

"A'right Twi, I'll be seeing you around. You too Aron." Applejack replied, nodding to us both, not saying goodbye to Diamond, we began to leave the farm. One down.

"Well that was interesting." Diamond muttered to me, as we were making our way through Ponyville again, apparently going to see some shy pony called Fluttershy, I'd never remember all these abnormal names. Though many of the ponies names so far, besides the castle guards, had something linked to their Cutie Marks, so Twilight had the weird star thing, Sunbutt had the Sun, Applejack had fucking apples. I could bet on the fact this Fluttershy had Butterflies or something.

"Hey Diamond, do you wanna make a decent bet with me?" I asked.

"Sorry?" He replied.

"Well we had that bet about Sunbutt kicking ass, how much you wanna bet this Fluttershy chick has Butterflies as her ass tattoo?" I asked.

"I would prefer you didn't call the God Princess of the Sun Sunbutt, if you are so against saying Princess, use her actual name." Diamond replied.

"I would also prefer you didn't call me fucking sir but look where doing it got you, wondering through town hunting down random ponies." I grunted quickly, Diamond muttered something but it was too quiet to hear, finally he said something:

"Three bits that she has hearts as her, ass tattoo as you put it. Not Butterflies." I nodded and smiled.

"You're on, don't ask Twilight, we shall see ourselves. Obviously you'll have to wait til I have money to get yours, but still. The bet is on." I laughed slightly and sped up to catch up with Twilight. Diamond did as well.

"What are you two talking about?" Twilight asked casually.

"Just human stuff, I'm a bad influence on Diamond, don't join in." Was all I said, Diamond let out a small smile but said nothing.

Twilight just waved a hoof and said something about stallions, but I ignored it for the most part and continued walking at a lazy pace, Diamond seemed very relaxed considering he had a damn spear in his hooves. But I didn't say anything, eventually we came in view of that damned forest again and wondered whether Twilight was about to take us straight into the 'darkest, evillest place in Equestria' to see a pony called Fluttershy. Diamond kept staring at the forest entrance and flinched at any sound he heard come from the forest. After a minute of walking straight at it and me about to tackle Twilight to slap her for being so stupid, she turned, up a hill towards what looked like a fucking hobbit hole, some little grassy cottage with a few brown windows and a red-brown door. Everything was shut and I could hear birds signing from inside the house. We walked towards it and twilight knocked a couple times, there was a quiet eep come from inside and the birds stopped singing.

"Who. Who is it?" A very feminine, quiet voice asked. Twilight was smiling and looked through a tiny peep hole.

"It's Twilight, and my escorts." Twilight called back.

"Is. Is the alien here?" The voice of who I presumed was Fluttershy asked.

"Yes, but he really isn't dangerous, about as shy as you." Twilight replied. "Nowhere near." She muttered under her breath. I smiled but kept quiet. I didn't hear the footsteps but eventually the door swung open, in front of me stood a very small, curled up bright yellow pony with long pink hair, she had bright blue eyes and was staring up at me in utter shock, or fear, or both.

"Flutter-." Twilight began. I got this.

"Nice to meet you Miss Fluttershy, I am Aron, alien of Earth, Terra and here on Royal duties by Princess Sunbutt." I introduced, bowed slightly, a small squeak came from the pony and in a voice I could barely hear, and had to ask Twilight what she said later on, Fluttershy replied with:

"Nice to meet you too Mr Aron." She was shaking slightly but I ignored it, somehow I had managed to say something without fucking up, so maybe Equestria was already doing me well for my anxiety. Or I was still hungover.

"Now Fluttershy, how are preparations going for the song birds?" Twilight asked, Fluttershy kept staring at me, not even noticing Diamond who had stepped away from the cottage and was leaning on a fence of some kind from what I could see out of the corner of my eye. Just glaring ahead with his spear up as usual, every now and again looking into the forest.

"Oh the singing?" Fluttershy asked. "Doing much better than yesterday, the birds are all in tune and know what to do." She added, sounding a little happier to be talking about animals. I didn't look inside her house yet, figuring I'd have plenty of opportunity to be able to see inside when or if I was ever invited inside. Today just seemed to be running errands and shit and I was beginning to get bored and we were only two ponies in. Though Fluttershy seemed to be moving along quickly.

"That's great Fluttershy, well we will be off, good luck." Twilight said smiling, Fluttershy smiled and waved a hoof, and I rose mine up and smiled at her about as warmly as I could.

"Bye Fluttershy." I muttered, she muttered bye back and we left. As we stepped away from the door I turned to Diamond who had three bits in his hoof, I grabbed them and put them in my pocket. Fucking. Called it.

"That was easier than expected." Diamond muttered as we walked away from the cottage. I nodded.

"Indeed, but Fluttershy is very, secluded from other ponies and prefers the company of animals than ponies." Twilight replied.

"Mother issues." Diamond muttered, Twilight looked confused for a moment.

"Sorry?" She asked, bewildered.

"She had mothering troubles growing up." Diamond said.

"Her mother wouldn't never harm Fluttershy, you really think she did?" Twilight asked, panicking slightly, looking back at the cottage. Whoa, so child abuse is a thing here? Damn.

"I'm not saying her mother abused her, she was too kind to her, told her the world was evil and that ponies would do her harm." Diamond grunted.

"You really think so?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, just an idea, I've known ponies like Fluttershy and that was their story." Diamond replied, Twilight just nodded and we continued. Without Twilight running to hug or confront her friend.

As we walked through the town looking for some pony called Rarity, I heard a whoosh sound pass by. A shadow shot past and I looked up, seeing a light rainbow trail above. I looked to Twilight who was looking into the cloudless sky but couldn't see anything, I tried to follow the fading trail but couldn't find anything either. Diamond gave zero shits.

I heard the zoom noise again and was suddenly on the ground with a heavy weight on top of me, I looked at the weight holding me down and saw a very cyan looking Pegasus with rainbow hair. She looked pissed off but didn't say anything, until Diamond lost his shit.
Suddenly I saw a spear appear over the rainbow pony's neck and Diamond began to shout.

"Relieve yourself from Aron pony!" Diamond shouted, a roar in his voice, the rainbow pony paused for a second and Twilight shouted.

"Rainbow! Get off him!" Twilight shouted, the pony did, blushing slightly, Diamond kept his spear on the horse as I stood up and brushed myself down.

"What is that?" The mysterious pony asked.

"The name is Aron, I'm from Terra, I am human, and I am no threat, nice to meet you." I grunted, my side hurt slightly as did my stomach, but I didn't complain.

"Why did you jump on him?" Twilight asked loudly, Diamond was giving the pony a death glare but it ignored him, as best it could with a spear lining ones neck.

"He looked weird, he could be a spy." The pony cried back.

"He is a guest of Princess Celestia and a Temporary Defender of Harmony, he is escort to protégé Twilight Sparkle and I am his personal bodyguard, Aron is no spy citizen." Diamond grunted.

"Jeez, I'm sorry okay?" The pony said quickly, looking to me.

"It's kay." I muttered, shrugging.

"My name is Rainbow Dash, nice to meet you." The pony said, calming slightly. "Would you mind getting this spear out of my face?" She added, glaring at Diamond quickly.

"What do you say sir?" He asked. Then gulped.

"Didn't you learn your fucking lesson last time, we're being assaulted in the streets cuz you call me fucking sir. I'd say shove that spear down your ass, but I'm in a forgiving mood, so yeah, at ease solider." I grunted back, staring at Diamond for a few seconds, he nodded and raised the spear to its resting spot.

"Now that that is over. Rainbow." Twilight grunted. "Is the sky ready for The Princesses arrival?" She added.

"Well, duh, have you looked at the sky, not a cloud to be seen!" Rainbow Dash replied, waving a hoof into the air. Twilight gave a done face but said nothing for a while.

"And well done Rainbow. We have others to see, so I'll see you later okay?" Twilight said. Rainbow nodded and smiled.

"I'll try not to tackle any random strangers eh big guy?" Rainbow said happily, winking at me, I didn't say anything.

"If you do again I won't be as restrained." Diamond grunted, Rainbow looked a bit scared for a second but kept her cool and just flew off, Diamond visually relaxed and we moved on, Twilight kept looking at Diamond in shock, as did I sometimes. Not too much though.
Which ended the shortest meeting of Twilight's friends, next came Hell...

We were still on the way to Rarity's and a blur went by, at first I thought it was Rainbow Dash again but I figured she would have learnt her lesson after Diamonds 'warning', I made a point to ask him about the aggression later but it was most likely cuz he had been ordered to protect me.
The blur went by again and Twilight stopped, fear in her eyes, she turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes.

"She's here." Twilight muttered, I looked around again and then it appeared. A very pink, very fluffy looking pony appeared before me talking incredibly fast and incredibly high pitched. I didn't catch anything the pony said so don't ask, it was just too much to process.

"You must be Pinkie Pie." I managed to mutter as she continued to talk. She kept going but I managed to catch.

"Of course it is silly, that's what I just said. What's your name? " After that the pony paused and looked up at me. Ponyville had a more hyperactive Mirrors. Holy shit.

"Aron." I muttered.

"No silly, you're real name." Wait what, I stared at the horse for a second but just stood my ground.

"Aron." I muttered again. The pink pony stared at me confused for a moment but her smile quickly came back.

"Okay doki if you say so." Pinkie said and began to bounce a little bit. "Then let me introduce you to Ponyville! I have to go start a party-" That's all I got out of her before she sped up a lot and became hyper once more. I stood staring at Twilight for a bit but she just smiled and nodded when Pinkie apparently asked her a question, I dunno what it was but it was nod worthy. About a minute passed and the pink pony slowed again and smiled up at me.

"We could have it tonight! At the library!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Will there be alcohol?" Diamond grunted, sudden interest was sudden.

"Alcohol?" Pinkie asked, Diamond gave a sigh of relief. As did I, the hangover from last night’s antics just about going. Plus it wouldn't look good for me nor Diamond of we got piss drunk and forgot what happened again. Speaking of which, Diamond's black eye seemed to have completely healed. Like, poof. Gone. No wonder Twilight, nor any other pony had asked about it.
To be fair he had been standing guard far from the other ponies except that random pony at the farm.

"Diamond, what happened to you black eye?" I asked, Diamond looked confused for a second and touched his now fixed eye, he went back to his default glare.

"Ponies heal rather quickly, well minor wounds anyway. We can't grow a leg back or anything." Diamond replied.

"Damn, much faster than humans. I would have had that for weeks. How is the hangover?" I asked. Pinkie had begun talking to Twilight in the absence of nobody talking to her but I didn't catch anything they said.

"Well humans suck for healing abilities. And yes, it’s still there. Was fading until, the pink one showed up." Diamond replied, whispering at that last bit looking to Pinkie Pie. I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Yep, same here dude." I muttered. That ended that conversation and when I turned back to Twilight she was holding a large cake and Pinkie was gone. I stepped back for a second.

"The fuck did you get that cake from?" I asked. Twilight looked at it sitting in her hoof and she just shrugged.

"You want this cake?" She asked, staring at it, what the cake that materialised out of thin air? No thanks.

"Nope." I muttered, she looked to Diamond.

"I'm good." He grunted.

"Fine." Twilight grunted and levitated the cake into some seemingly random building nearby, a very pink building that ironically looked like a cake, so I guess that's where Pinkie lives or something. Twilight didn't even flinch just causally throwing a random cake into a store and she kept walking. I just shrugged and followed, Diamond looked on into the building for a couple seconds after but caught up after a few seconds.

"Why did you just throw that cake into that pony's home?" Diamond asked after a few seconds of being caught up.

"Well it's the cake store in Ponyville, run by Mr and Mrs Cake. That's where Pinkie got the cake from I presume." Twilight replied. I looked to her as we walked, she hadn't turned back to either of us but my face was so fucking done right then. The Cakes? Running a fucking cake store. Nope Nope, nope-e-de-dope.

"The, fucking, Cakes?" I asked, Twilight looked at me for a second with confusion.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" She asked.

"The Cakes running a cake store?" I muttered.

"Yeah?" She asked, keeping the word going for a few seconds. I gave up and looked to Diamond.

"Tell me you understand what is wrong with that?" I asked him, he just nodded but didn't say anything about it. I smiled and kept going. Twilight kept asking what was wrong with that paradox but I just shrugged it off and told her to drop it, eventually she did, and as she did she arrived outside a large round building of blue and purple, with large windows and a curved, high roof.

'Carousel Boutique.' Was written on a sign outside of the large building and I could already tell this would be a fun meeting. Twilight just opened the door to the building and wondered straight in, I looked to Diamond who looked like he wanted to punch me and wondered in after Twilight, I turned behind me just out of instinct and found there weren't many ponies following me, yeah a couple or so had been very cautious about following me, seeing if I was actually dangerous or maybe they were just racist, either way, as long as they didn't bother me, they wouldn't find out how much of a girl I was when threatened. I looked straight at some pink and green coloured pony which looked incredibly bizarre, I dunno why I looked at this random pony, just stood out more I suppose, had bright green like fucking neon hair and an almost salmon coat, no wings or a horn from what I could see but I didn't look very long, the pony looked away and started talking to a pony next to it to act casual, I just ignored neon pony and walked inside the boutique.

Inside was a very cliché bazaar shop, with horse mannequins, or horsequins? marequins? I dunno, horse shaped plastic figures like those models in Primark or something. A couple were naked but most had some sort of incredibly ugly, but incredibly posh dress on. A couple had like a wedding suit for a dude, but most were dresses I wouldn't be caught dead in.
Wait.

Bits of thread and silk flew all around the room covered in a light blue glow, on the other end of the circular room stood a pure white pony with purple curly hair and standing over some work station which made my room look, almost clean. Not that I'd see the fucker. I wonder how people would react now I am supposedly missing or kidnapped or whatever police would class my disappearance as. As far as I know Celestia just teleported her ass in so no forced entry, yet the doors and windows were locked, so I had gone at will.
Anyway, I digress, trying to solve my own disappearance. The inside of the room looked much larger than what it looked like outside, with a kitchen just to the side and a stairway to a second floor. Mirrors lined much of the room and I could see myself in most, my beard unkempt and my hair a mess. I looked like a homeless man, especially in somewhere like here. The white pony turned around as a bell went off above the door, declaring our arrival.

"Oh hello Twilight, I had hoped you'd come by. I have spoken to Crystal Melody and she has an answer to your pro-." The white pony began, turning with her eyes closed, smiling slightly and levitating some pink silk and some wrapped up thing that looked like a penis. She opened them when Twilight began to cough furiously and the white pony nearly screamed when she saw me standing there.

"Oh my!" She shouted, stepping back, I crossed my arms.

"Subtle." I heard Diamond mutter.

"Oh, err, hello dear. You're not from around here are you?" She asked me. I smiled slightly but Twilight answered.

"He is a friend of Princess Celestia and here for the Summer Sun Celebration. He is named Aron, or so he says. Not from Equestria obviously." She said, the white horse nodded and stepped closer, looking past me to see Diamond leaning against the door.

"You're a friend of the Princess?" Rarity exclaimed loudly, I just nodded.

"And Defender of Harmony." Twilight added, oh you bitch. Rarity lit up, her smile huge and wide eyed.

"Temporary, just whilst I'm on this job, and acquaintance is more appropriate." I muttered, the posh pony's face went back to normal for a second in disappointment.

"And who is your friend?" She asked, looking up at me, her eyes slightly wider than before and her nose scrunched up.

"A Canterlot guard named Diamond." I muttered, looking to the bewildered pony, she nodded and looked away, Diamond grunted but said nothing.

"Well Twilight, let's ignore that other thing-." Rarity began, hiding the dick present behind her and putting it into a draw, well, I presume so, cuz she dropped the silk and walked around with nothing behind her. "- I have completed preparations on the town hall for tonight and I am rather proud of my work, you should go down and have a look, and bring Aron. Though you could leave Diamond here if you so wish. I'll look after him." Rarity replied, looking back to Diamond, I could just tell his face lit up slightly there only to go back to depression mode. Oh hell no.

"Well our job for today is done, and as a Temporary Defender of Harmony, thus a higher rank than Diamond. I would know our orders, which were: to make sure Twilight checks up on progress for the celebration then report back to The Princess. And Diamond likes to write long reports." I replied. Rarity looked disappointed for a second but smiled again.

"It would really be no trouble, I could help if you wish. I'll give Diamond some insight to the locals." She muttered, holy shit she was as subtle as a fucking elephant. Diamond coughed a little bit.

"If you hadn't called me sir all fucking day, maybe. Wait til next time you desperate bastard." I muttered, Twilight turned at that, seemingly oblivious to her friend hitting on my guard. Suck cock-block, much asshole, wow.

"No you really don't want to see Diamond whilst he is writing, misses the pot so much, can barely ink his pen either." I replied finally, Diamond chocked slightly and began to cough, but still kept quiet, gods he was gonna beat the ever living shit out of me later wasn't he?

"Oh, that's a shame, well maybe next time. I'll see you later Twilight." Rarity muttered finally giving up, Twilight smiled and began to walk out, saying goodbye back. "Byyyyeee Diamond dear." Rarity said, smiling again and fluttering her eyelids, I practically threw Diamond out before he got a reply out. "Aron." Was all I heard Rarity say as I left. I fucking called it on that encounter being fun.

"I hate you sometimes." Diamond muttered as I shut the door.

"You were the one who keeps calling me 'sir'." I replied.

"Yet you used the rank card on me, asshole." He said back, I smiled.

"Obviously." Was all I said.

"Alright, so as you said, you're orders are complete, I'm going to go check out the town hall and go get some food for tonight, you can come with me if you wish or go back to the library." Twilight said, smiling.

"We'll head back, the town hall will look nice I'm sure, but if the celebration is tonight, then we will see it then." I replied, Twilight nodded and began to walk off.

"You will be able to find your way back right?" She asked.

"Twilight it's a huge fucking tree in the middle of brick or wood houses with hay roofs. If we miss it give up on us as any sort of guard. Or human being, well, pony being too." I replied, she just nodded again.

"See you two later then, if Spike asks you know where I'll be." Twilight said finally and walked off. I began to head back towards the centre of the town to look for the tree library, I was going to look like a right idiot when I couldn't find this fucker.

About a minute passed before Diamond said anything.

"Did you have to mention about the 'ink and pen' thing?" Diamond asked finally.

"Fuck you Diamond." Was my reply.