Author's Notes:

And here we have another chapter that I pretty much forgot to post. That's my b, fam.

Remember to drop a like or a comment on the rewrites: Do you like this more than the original or nah?

Only about 4k got added in net, but there was about 6-9k in rewrites from what I remember, just the pesky problem of deleting shit and abridging certain details

Patch Notes:
Max more or less guilt trips Celestia even harder than he does the first time around and is a lot less pleasant with her in general. He nuts up, gets shut down and reacts to that. A lot of how he feels is expounded upon and his friendship with Luna gets a little light.

I feel like Max's depression and the type of depressi he deals with gets expounded upon a lot in this chapter. Hopefully his feelings come across clearly

I woke up after a night of nightmares that I couldn’t wake from. The last one had me being impaled from behind, directly opposite my navel, finally jolting me awake. Sitting up brought me to the waking world as I shook off one of the worst dreams since sleeping with Elfriede, but I tried to keep the daze of slumber just a little while longer. It was already in my mind, already in my heart that I didn’t want to look at the reality I was facing, but I got smacked in the face with the hard truth. Celestia was worse than I thought and she covered up shit that directly happened to me. Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy might damn well be the truest friends I’ve ever had, but the rest of them…? Well, Pinkie was too crazy to count on in any case, but still. It hurt to know that I’d gotten so much further with a straight-up lie than I had with the cold truth. Hell, even if I was still cracking similar jokes and acting just how I imagined I would be if I were born a girl, the Galpals, specifically Rarity, preferred Roxy over the real me and I tried not to let that ache.

In any case, I got my arse to the kitchen for a cuppa Fuck Juice, aka Black Tar Coffee mixed with iffy bourbon. I’d stopped by the liquor shop last night before I came home, and like I had for the entire Earth-week I’d been a woman, I’d had to get fucked up just to get to sleep, and even then I only got about four and half hours. The shitty sport of thinking took over my morning and it was as exhausting as it tended to be. Twilight was still being Twatlight after I wrote her a letter that asked for a little mercy, but she didn’t understand the jarring effects of being the opposite gender. She’d been a guy a couple times and had liked it, so she didn’t know why I didn’t like being a woman. Meanwhile, I started day-drinking and smoked a bowl to soothe my nerves, but one bowl quickly turned into several and I had to lie down for a while. Still, even while being uncomfortably high, it was better than being all too aware of my body and the shite that had hit me in the face the day before.

I missed Mr. Wiggles. He was my friend, my buddy, and my meat. Twilight was just being difficult, so there wasn’t much hope for me there. Other than her, the only people I could really go to at the moment were Celestia and Luna. I didn’t want to bother with either of them, even if I’d let Celestia off easy. I thought about what I should have done and what I should do to her through the fog of intoxication, knowing damn well that nothing I thought of would ever have a true chance of working. After all, Alicorns were special and they lived for thousands of years anyway. Celestia had probably been close to death many times before, and she was still standing without a noticeable scar other than her warped psyche. Even then, that was mostly due to being a leader from what I could tell.

Lupa came home while I was running from my feelings and promptly told me to either talk to her or get off of her spot. My pupper climbed on me and I relayed the events of the last twenty-four hours to her. Once I’d gotten a few things out, the rest just poured, but I wasn’t in the ‘crying hole’ so much as the ‘Fuck, I just wanna sleep and not wake up’. Our talk ran long and we were heading towards the ‘Fuck that bitch’ camp. Lupa said she’d get a bite out of her for me and I didn’t think about it too hard, just rubbing her ears while I tried to get the weight off of my chest. I was honestly glad that I wouldn’t have to deal with her if I didn’t want to. The level of betrayal she’d committed against me multiple times was just… Unbelievable. Once I had gotten things explained to her, Lupa told me that I was, firstly, an idiot, and secondly, a fool. I should have ditched her after our last fight when she confessed to being toxic. When I’d figured out that she was willing to make me kill. When I found out her soul was blacker than mine.

Radda radda radda. Or is it Yadda yadda yadda? I want some soup all of a sudden. Maybe a bisque...

Still, as I sat on the couch waiting for Lupa to wake up so I could bitch and moan some more about my luck, I thought about how shitty my relationship with Celestia was. We never saw each other, we fought most times we did see each other, and she was willing to let her sister eat popcorn and watch as we argued. She was also willing to break her own laws to punish me for doing her a fuckin’ massive favour. As humorous as the popcorn thing might have been at the time, in hindsight, it was super fucked up, and the whole Roxy thing? Cruel. Getting rid of Celestia was probably going to end up as one of the best decisions I’ll have made in my long, long life. Come to think of it, the only reason I hadn’t been content to just tell Celestia to fuck off was because I’m going to live for nearly two thousand fucking years. Yeah, I’m kinda pissed at her now, but I probably won’t be three centuries into my life, so it was nice to keep one of the hottest things on the planet as an option. It may not have been satisfying, but I feel like I handled the situation in a way that would benefit me most in the long run. Burning my bridge with Celestia would only fuck my life in Equestria up, and I still needed to get on Luna’s good side as best I could so she didn’t murder me.

I popped some of my stiff joints. Lupa had evidently been waiting for me to lean forward because the next thing she took it upon herself to do was occupy the space I’d briefly vacated. I swatted her hind leg on my way off of the couch and she just farted like a proper lady. It reeked something fierce, so I vacated the room after cracking a window and grabbing my Dragon Fire. I used the little jar to send Luna a carefully worded note that I actually feel is important enough to repeat in my own little odds and ends.

Dear Luna

Hail! Life sucks, and sometimes love doesn’t work out. Prithee comfort Celestia in her time of need as I know you will, maybe make her a cake or something. Bitch loves cake. Anyway, I’m really not trying to get murda-homi-killified by you, so let’s make a deal, pauper to Princess?

I sat at the desk in my room wondering if I was actually fucking suicidal for having sent that note since it was basically the most callous version of what I’d wanted to say. My head hurt and I just waited for the end, hoping that Luna would do me the kindness of making it fast. There’s never room for hope in my orbit. My satellites Murphy, Law, and The Great Sorcerer Tim were all I needed ad they were the only ones that usually stuck around anyway. However, Luna eventually wrote back and said something along these lines:

Dear Maximus,

I will slay you at my leisure, and Celestia will not shield you from my best efforts.

At least she was upfront about possibly murdering me.

Throughout our exchange, Luna went on to explain that a guy had basically been through the same thing if not just something similar. We’d been in the same boat with Celestia, except the guy ended up killing himself and I wondered what the fuck he’d done that for. Celestia was hot, and a pretty great woman when she wasn’t trying to fix your life, but she wasn’t worth your life on her best day. I mean, unless you were her guard or something. It’s different when you swear your life to someone, but now I’m just rambling and I don’t want to cross these words out. Fuck. New paragraph.

Luna and I exchanged notes a few more times and we’d come to an agreement. Tonight would be the night we try letting me police dreams, and she would let me kill her if I could make someone named ‘Discord’ or whatever wear a business suit for more than ten seconds. I didn’t know who that was, so it was a bet that I was willing to take if it meant I could have nearly infinite power, or whatever it is she and Celestia have. I’d read (And been told multiple times) that they raised and lowered the Sun and Moon, although I found it incredibly unlikely. It may have been a different planet, but the laws of reality still applied here. Newton’s laws work and Celestia and Luna don’t have to continually lift their respective celestial bodies, so I found it very unlikely that they actually moved them. If they did have that level of magic, then there would be no point in playing political games. If either of them really wanted to, they could whip the world into shape on little more than a whim.

Celestia sent me a note soon after I finished with Luna, basicallyh just trying to check up on me and ask how I was doing. I was in no mood to deal with Celestia, so I ignored the note for an hour until Luna sent me a follow-up and told me to respond to her sister or face coequences. I replied to Celestia with pettiness and irritability, but she remained polite and informed me that I was due to receive a rather hefty sum. It was going to be in the form of a check and she wanted me to come to Canterlot to collect on it. I did not want to go, nor did I feel any obligation to do so, saying as much in a reply. Celestia continued to try and coax me into coming to Canterlot before straight up ordering me to do so as one of her subjects and I didn’t reply, just sitting there for a few moments and thinking. Wondering about a few things.

I told her that I did not want the money. Sunbutt told me it was payment for the assassination and that it was mine whether or not I myself cashed the check. She then threatened to double the amount and put it in my account without my approval, and I was so, so tempted to let her do it. In the end, I told her that I would accept the bits, though I didn’t know if meeting her was such a good idea. It had hardly been twenty-four hours since we broke up, after all, and there was no good reason for us to be meeting on such short notice. Celestia assured me that our talk would be as platonic as I cared for it to be which was ominous. In any case, she had courteously backed me into a corner with the way she worded her notes, giving me the impression that I would lose her favour if I didn’t show up. All things said and done, I basically had a date with Celestia. Not how I was planning for the break-up to go, but whatever. As long as I stayed true to my convictions, I would be fine.

The morning had already kinda gone to shit, so I poured myself a double of Zap Apple Jack and prepared to face the rest of my day. Celestia had been awfully slimy with the way she’d worked me into a corner with the notes, and I hated that it had taken me so long so see that she was so… Filthy… I found myself in the bath, but loathed using my Sacred Lotus soap because I knew that it was amazing and I didn’t want to be amazing for my meeting with bitchface. Even then, all of my possible outfits made me look hot as fuck, so I just settled on binding my hair at the end like Applejack and wearing something simple.

I told Celestia that I would let her know when I was coming to Canterlot, and she asked me to come as soon as I could. I still had some sickly sweet love in my veins; I wasn’t willing to risk it. I told her no and she told me YES. Seriously, she used an entire piece of paper for one word. With little other choice, I took stock of my clothing and weapons and told Celestia to just fucking teleport me there so I wouldn’t have to waste time and money getting there and she asked me if I’d even opened either of the envelops she’d sent me. I had not, so she told me to open them.

The first one I opened was a check for a lot of money. A lot of money. Like, I could buy several businesses in Canterlot, not use any of the income I got from them, and then still live like a king off of what I had left. Celestia had dumped a sizable chunk of change in my coffers, and all I could do was send her a little “Thank You” note. She then told me to open the other envelope and it had three words written on it: Mayor, Baron, and Viscount. Celestia had told me to circle one and send the note back to her, so I went with Viscount since it sounded cool. I had no idea why she’d sent those words, but it sounded interesting, so I waited for her reply. When ten minutes had passed, I sent her another note and she teleported me into a room of some kind. It was quite garish if you ask me, and reeked of nobility, but not royalty. Wherever I was, it wasn’t the castle from what I could tell.

A more worthy glance around the place told me that I was in a sitting room and that there was tea, but I was in no mood to be drugged. I had a seat and wanted for Celestia to show up, but she was nowhere to be found. It was nice to be able to bring my pocket watch along with me since I didn’t have to pretend not to be myself anymore, but that just let me know that it was a solid thirty minutes before Celestia showed up with a beam to beat the sun itself. Her smile was bright and warm, inviting and assured while it made me heart melt and ache deeply. My brow furrowed and my frown deepened, but Celestia kept on smiling.

“Max! Looking lovely, dear! I see you’ve taken a little inspiration from Applejack, no?”

“... Celestia.”

She clasped her hands together and came to sit nearby. “So, how has your morning been?”

“I’m a little drunk right now and I’m speeding off of coffee. Is there something you need, or are you trying to make me more miserable than I already feel?”

Celestia bit her lip. “Max… Look, I’m sorry-”

“I don’t really care, Celestia. What do you want? What is this all really about?”

“... I see you’re in no mood for casual conversation.”

“Should I pretend to be?”

“It wouldn’t hurt…”

“It would be a lie, and aren’t we supposed to be a little more honest with each other?”

“Max… I’m sorry-”

“And it doesn’t really count for much right now. Why am I here, Celestia?”

She pursed her lips. “... Luna and I have agreed to make you a Baron. I tried to get her to agree to Viscount-”

“I really wish you’d explained that before I gave any semblance of consent to it.”

“I’m not taking it back.”

“Celestia-”

“Max.”

“I don’t care to be a noble, and I frankly never have. What does the nobility here even do?”

She gave me a look. “What do you think? Party, buck, and look down on each other.”

“I look down on people because they suck, not because I have nothing else to do.”

“Max, will you just-”

“And I’ll have to swear some oath of fealty to you for whatever kind of bullshit this is, won’t I?” I sneered.

Her smile came back. “Nope! You’ll swear loyalty to Equestria, but as a Baron, you can choose whether you want to serve the Dawn or the Dusk; Myself, or Luna.”

“... And you’re just making this decision without my input?”

“I am. Trust me, Max-”

“You’re trying to buy me back, and keep me in Equestria.” I sighed. “It’s not going to work. I’ll stay or I’ll leave whenever the bloody hell I want.”

Celestia scrunched her face up adorably, and I had to bite my cheek as punishment for that thought crime. “I’m not trying to buy you back. This is a sugar coated bribe to keep quiet about the mind wiping thing. And yes, I would like for you to stay in safe, sane Equestria, but if you want to risk the rest of the world…” She shrugged, having decided to change tactics. “I’ll leave you alone romantically as well. I only said what I said earlier to get back at you for breaking up with me.”

“That’s petty as fuck and we both know it’s not completely true.”

“Ignoring me was petty!”

I crossed my arms and Celestia raised her brows at my chest. “Eyes are up here, twat.”

“I know where your eyes are. I’m allowed to look as long as I don’t touch, right?” She asked innocently.

I gave her a stern look. “Believe it or not, I am actually mad at you. Fucking with my head was betrayal on a whole other level, Celestia.”

That wiped the smile off of her face. “I thought so.” She nodded. “I shouldn’t have hoped that you’d be receptive so early. That was naive on my part.”

“It wasn’t naive, you knew damn well what this was. Give me some time for the ache to fade and we’ll talk. Just stop trying to do stuff like… This. Don’t do this.”

“I owe you something, Max. If I’m going to stay out of your life, I at least want to know that you’re living comfortably.”

“I could have lived comfortably on the thirteen thousand or so odd bits that I already have, Celestia. Pumping that amount was just overkill.”

She pursed her lips. “That was actually proper pay for the job. Luna bumped up the reward after she failed.”

“... Okay. So you didn’t and don’t have to make me a Baron.”

“It’s more to keep any heat from nobility off of you. It would be worth your time to spend some time making connections in Canterlot, now that you’re one of them in title instead of just wealth.”

“How rich am I in comparison to the lead noble?”

“You’re a lower ranked noble right now, and after you get that check cashed, you’ll be around the middle. I hate the way the wealthy just get wealthier in my country, but if I change things, then it’ll make it that much harder for your average pony to make it.” She sighed.

“It’s hard to rule. It’s also hard for me to understand why I’d want to befriend a bunch of nobles.”

“Just give it time, dea- er, Max. I’m sure you’ll find a good reason soon enough.”

Celestia stood and kept smiling at me, so I asked, “What now? I’ve gotta go to the bank and I don’t know of any noble gatherings that I could attend or anything.”

“I will accompany you to the bank since you’re carrying such a large sum-”

“Celestia.” I warned.

She pursed her lips. “Right. I’ll have someone else go with you then.” She looked down. “... Could I request something of you? A couple of questions is all.”

This oughta be good. “I’m listening.”

“I would like to request that you still not lay with Twilight.”

I lifted a brow. That wasn’t a question. “Why not?”

Celestia hugged herself. “She’s the closest thing I have to a daughter, Max... I don’t want to think of you stealing her innocence.”

“Twilight has already come on to me once. Am I supposed to tell her that I won’t accept her because her teacher doesn’t want me to?” I asked.

“... I suppose it’s unfair of me to ask that of you.”

“It is. It’s not really your business who I stick my dick in anymore.”

Celestia frowned. “You say that like you’re just going to sleep around.”

“I’m not a slut, Celestia. It’s just not your business.”

“Does that mean you’re going to sleep with Twilight regardless of my request?”

“You say that like you have ground to stand on. You’re the one who fucked up Celestia, you don’t get to dictate how I live my life.” I responded calmly.

“And you get to dictate how I live mine?”

“No, not when it doesn’t involve me. When have I ever tried to meddle in your personal affairs?”

Celestia looked down. “... You never have.”

“Because I assume you know what you’re doing. That you’ll ask when you need help. It took a while to see that wasn’t true.”

“...I’m still a Princess, Max.” She came back, steel in her voice. “At least show me the respect I’ve earned.”

“You were more than a Princess to me, Celestia. I already do respect you, Celestia, I just don’t like you.”

She inhaled deeply. “... That’s… Fair, I suppose.” Sunbutt huffed. “Fifty years and you’ll be crawling back to me. It’s a matter of time.”

“I was thinking more like seventy-five, but you can hope.”

She rolled her eyes. “So this is more of an extended separation than actually breaking up?”

“If that’s how you want to think of it.” Extended separation… Bitch, it’s a fucking lifetime.

“I prefer that. You wouldn’t believe how much better that makes me feel.” Her smile returned. “I can do this. Fifty years isn’t long to wait for something worthwhile.”

“Thanks, but there’s something I need you to do during those years.”

“I still have more questions for you, so it’s only fair I hear you out,” Celestia said.

“Great. I need you to work on making friends and keeping them.” I said simply.

“Max, I know how to make and keep friends. I’m just immortal.”

“True, but I think it would help if you caught a refresher course for a little bit. Maybe it would teach you to keep your nose out of non-political business.” I suggested.

“If that was meant as a shot toward my character-”

“It was meant as friendly advice. Practicing with friends can help with staying out of your potential lover’s private affairs until you’re asked for your assistance.”

“... That’s disheartening.”

“Sorry not sorry, but there are worse things to be than meddlesome most of the time.”

“... That was a jab.” Yes it was.

“Don’t look for reasons to be offended and you generally won’t be.”

“I like you less the more you talk.”

“How funny. That’s the first purposeful insult that’s been thrown between us and it was from you.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at me. “Deceptively calm for someone so-”

“I’m not calm, I’m tired. I’m very tired,” I answered quietly. “I was in the process of going back to sleep when you wrote that note. Is there anything else?”

“... Have you been sleeping?”

“Poorly, but that’s no different from the usual. The Dream Beast-thing might be dead, but it couldn’t do much worse than my own memories and the mind that holds them.” Damn, that’s morbid. And edgy. God, I need a hug.

“Max… Are you… Well, that’s a foalish question at the moment.”

“Can I go home now?”

“... I need you to come to the Court Hall with me.”

“Cool, let’s get this over with so I can be a guy again. Can we do that now-ish?”

Celestia gave me a long, hard look. “I swore to myself that I would never alter you again last night.”

“...Don’t fuck with me here, mate. I’d like my penis back, please.”

“If I do not hold myself to my word, I am worthless, Max. Or should I say, Roxy?” She said with a smug grin. It was very subtle, but I knew Celestia well enough.

I stared at her. “You broke your own laws to turn me into this and now you won’t even rectify your mistake as the utmost symbol of those laws in your lands?”

She outright smirked. “Calm down, Roxy, you look lovely.”

“Do you want to be decapitated, or have a spike drilled through your eye?”

“Relax, I’ll have Luna do it.”

“I don’t like you.”

Celestia seemed to take the news for what it was. “I suppose that would only be fair. You’ve spent your week as a woman. How was it, by the way?”

“Making friends as a woman is easier than making them as a man. Women aren’t threatened by another woman, even if they crack the same kinds of jokes as a guy. However, I know my past is chequered even here, so I have to take my experience with a grain of salt. In any case, it seemed pretty clear that the girls were more open to me when I was Roxy than when I was Max; They largely wanted different things from me. Rarity wasn’t flirty, Twilight wasn’t interested in any sense of the word, and Applejack was just a good friend that had her suspicions. The girls in general were more inclusive with me in their activities. We did more stuff together in the span of a few days than I’ve done with them in the past six or so months. It’s kind of… It kind of hurt to know that at least one of them preferred the stranger over the guy that had tried to do right by them on so many occasions… And I don’t think I want to deal with that kinda shite anymore.”

“... The spell would wear off in the next couple of days anyway,” She explained.

“Would your oath prevent you from weakening the spell at all?” I asked hopefully.

Celestia considered it for a moment. “I don’t think it would. I’m not even touching you with magic, I’m just draining the spell, so we’re in the clear. I can knock about eight or twelve hours off without dispelling the magic entirely.”

I held my hands up and closed my eyes. “Keep your hands off the goods.”

I could swear I heard her say some choice words under her breath, but the gentle hum of magic blocked out most of it. I opened my eyes and Celestia was standing a respectable distance away from me. “Are you ready?” She asked.

“Would you be willing to submit to a lie detector if I had questions?”

Celestia threw her hands up. “Where the buck did that come from?”

I managed to keep a straight face. “Did you or did you not Molestia me, Celestia.”

“Are you just being difficult for no reason?” She huffed.

“Did you touch me inappropriately while my eyes were closed?”

“We’re going to the Court Hall and you’re going to be quiet until we get there, okay?” She stated with authority.

I held my hands up. “Lead the way, pervert.”

Celestia grumbled and set a quick pace to our destination. With my legs significantly shorter than hers, I was lightly jogging to keep up and that just wasn’t fun with breasts. I eventually re-learned how to run and got along just fine after that, though Celestia gave me no time to ease into the lesson. As a result, I tripped her with a psychic tentacle when we were taking a turn and she looked back at me with ire, but I was too far behind her to have done it. After that, she slowed down and I felt something start molesting my tender bits, like fine pieces of silk caressing my sensitive areas. I told Celestia to knock it off and she did not, nor did she admit to doing anything in the first place.

I followed Celestia to the hall outside of court where Luna and a butler were waiting. Luna gave me a once over and changed me back into a guy without a word. She even changed my clothes into one of the outfits that Rarity had given me, which I thought was better than going in looking like a crossdresser, though I did wonder how she knew about my wardrobe. And when exactly did she learn about my silk boxers...?

Anyway…

The butler then lead me down a side hall that led to the front. Once I was at the front of the Court Hall, The butler escorted me inside and Celestia was seated upon her throne. We had a small audience and I couldn’t make out many familiar faces straight away, if any at all. There were a few people that I could have sworn that I saw around town at some point, like this one stunner who gave Rares a run for her money both with and without makeup. She made my lifelong friend happy to be alive and flex his muscles, but I tried not to pop muh sausage and get stared at. There was a blush or two in the crowd from a greyish-white woman and another mare, but I paid them no mind.

The butler guy stood aside and I tried to make my posture look halfway decent. Thank God I wasn’t wearing heels or some shit because I would have fallen on my arse enough to get Celestia to break her vow out of pity. Seriously, fuck heels. I surveyed the peanut gallery and found that I recognized this one fellow, a very blue stallion with a slightly darker blue mane. The woman beside him also seemed a bit familiar since I’d just scoped her out for her blush, but I couldn’t quite place them until it hit me: They were Twilight and Guard-Captain-Guy’s parents. So Twilight really did come from nobility. I had wondered. When I got within a meter of the Dais, Celestia rose, so I kneeled. It seemed like the sensible thing to do and my assumption appeared correct.

I heard Celestia’s hoofsteps echo as she descended, each step as clear as a bell. I had been looking down until she stopped in front of me. Gingerly, she lifted my face until my eyes met hers, and within them I saw a certain light that scared me a little. I was completely at Celestia’s mercy right now, but I reasoned that fear away. No matter what I did in Equestria, I was always at Celestia’s mercy. I always have been since I came to Ponyville, and by the grace of God apparently I’d finally found some aces in the hole. I hated that the only thing stopping her from deleting everything that made me me were her own twisted morals, but if I played my cards right, I figured I had a chance of toppling her. Not that I necessarily wanted to, though the idea did come to me.

I had barely finished that thought when Celestia said, “Maximus. Gadai, friend of mine and ally of my nation, Kingslayer, Sole Human of Equestria, Operative of the Crown, Honorary Guard-” That was news to me. “-and Advisor to not just the Princesses of Equestria, but to the Queen of Gryphonia.” Okay, so two of those things were news to me. At my confused look, Celestia gave me one in return that said we’d talk about it later. “Maximus, as a stranger in this land, you have already shed blood, sweat, and tears for my nation, for my people. You have spent your time and effort in many ways to better the lives of those around you while even letting yourself fall to the wayside.” … What. “As a Princess of Equestria, I ask of you: Are you willing to use the resources at your disposal to aid Equestria when she calls again? Should Equestria call for your aid, will you be there to assist her?”

Oh, you have got to- She was railroading me into being her bitch. Celestia was legitimately chaining me to her country in the eyes of the world and there was jack shit I could do about it without stepping all over her toes in front of some of her most loyal followers. It was bad enough that there was an audience in the first place, but including the parents of my girlfriend, both of whom I’ve practised some good old-fashioned B&E with in the past? A low, dirty, filthy play and the look in her eye told me that she knew it. Celestia knew exactly what she’d done because she’d orchestrated it; had always planned for every little step of the way.

Well, she didn’t plan for Kaid.

“Depends on when she stops fucking me over.” I answered, resting my arm on my knee. The peanut gallery gasped and Celestia glowered at me behind a mask I could see straight through.
“You know, Celestia, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for me to deny this honour, especially since you present it to me in good faith, yeah? May-”

“Say what you mean or enjoy my dungeons.” The Solar Diarch snarled.

“Why, it almost feels as though you’re-”

“Maximus.”

I chuckled and rose, shaking my head at her. “The second I say’ no’ to one of your supposed gifts, you’re livid. I don’t want your ‘sugarcoated’ bribe, Celestia. I live on your lands because you want me here. If I’m such a nuisance to you, then let me walk where I may and I’ll leave these lands… Unless…?”

Celestia’s gaze was hard and hot, like an iron fresh from the coals. “You assume to disrespect me time and time again. I gave you this one chance-”

“And I gave you too many, and look where we are!” I swept my arms out. “I shoulda fuckin’ binned ya when ya threw me brother in me bloody face! I shoulda binned ya when ya made me a murderer! I shoulda fuckin’ been done with ya when ya admitted to it all! Fuck you! Fuck you Celestia! I don’t want to fucking deal with this! You think breaking up and being even more manipulative fixes anything!?” I flung my hands toward her while she glared artillery shells and nukes at me. “If I wanna be done, I have that right! If you don’t want me in this country, I can leave-”

“You’re going nowhere, and unless you want to regret every word that just came out of your mouth for centuries to come, you’re going to walk out that door,” She pointed toward one, “calm yourself, and realize that I just let you walk away with your life. Your pride. Your dignity. I dare you to have another outburst like that in front of my esteemed company. I truly do.”

What do I do… I settled on a plan. Shaking my head at Celestia, I walked away. I took my place outside the door she ordered me to exit. I calmed myself. She fucked up and she was going to realize it eventually. It took her a few minutes to organize everyone’s minds to explain a few minutes absence before I made my reentry. She gave the same speech. I gave a different response. I was livid, but killing her then and there served no purpose. The long con would have to suffice

Celestia sensed my frustration, but I only saw her face twitch for a moment, and it looked like she had been leaning towards sad, but that didn’t excuse what she was doing: Locking me into her country and effectively next to her whenever she so desired. “Do you swear to uphold Equestria’s laws and values in the face of adversity?”

… You know what...? “... That depends. Are you?”

“Then by the power invested in me-” She stopped cold and stared at me, death in her eyes. “... Why yes, Maximus, I am. Why would you ask?”

You don’t own me, cunt. “... Being a good person is harder than even we, as world-weary as the two of us can be, think it should be.” I said, my voice staying even. “I know I struggle, and you said it yourself; I’m a friend to you, Celestia. Why would you want someone to help you if you know that they, at their core, are not a good person?”

There was a clamouring and Celestia’s gaze became unreadable. The implications had been plenty subtle, but she saw the lines between us like I did, if I wasn’t mistaken. She had something to say anyway, but I needed to know sooner than later. “... Because you, Max, readily fight your inner demon.” Are you talking about me or you? “Not only do you sacrifice your happiness for others, but you are so willing to lend a hand for nearly any kind of assistance that you are a valuable ally, regardless of how much you frankly despise yourself.” I twitched and stared at her, seeing the playing field level. “We both know that there isn’t a pony on this planet that you hate more than yourself, and I think that as a Baron, with the support of some of the Nobles in this very room, you will come to love yourself as I love you. It will take time, possibly new friends, and support from those around you, but I have faith, Maximus.”

I scratched behind my head. “Well, gee… Thanks for telling everyone I’m a self-loathing prick.” There were chuckles and plenty of clapping as well.

Celestia smiled down at me and the message was clear. I’d damn near gotten myself locked up. She wasn’t going to kill me, but I was going to suffer for a smart mouth eventually. We were on the same page for the time being. “Deal with it. Max, by the power vested in me,” I could make out the words ‘third’ and ‘fealty’ since they were being thrown about quite often, but Celestia raised a hand to silence the nobles as they made their little hubbub. “By the power vested in me, by Equestria’s people and the Crown, I hereby announce you, Maximus, as Baron of Ponyville!” Celestia drew a sword from fuck knows where and effectively knighted me. When she was done doing that for some reason, she said, “Rise, Maximus, and may you serve Equestria to the best of your abilities.”

“I will, Princess Punta,” I deadpanned.

“Punta?” She asked, clearly confused.

“It means ‘benevolent’ in pig-latin.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I heard someone snicker and shrugged. “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

I wasn’t sure what to do next, but I followed Celestia’s gaze behind me to find that some dude was walking down the red carpet with a long dagger on a pillow. When he stopped in front of me, I turned to Celestia and she nodded, so I picked up the half-meter dagger and drew it from the reinforced cloth-sheath. I couldn’t help letting my jaw drop; it was beautiful in the way that it seemed to absorb any light that touched it. The pitch black blade had a space like quality to it, and it came razor sharp.

“I present to you, Maximus, the blade ‘Nacht’. As a Dusk Baron, may it guide and protect you through tumultuous times.”

I held the blade aloft and resisted the temptation to whistle. Instead, I held Nacht in both hands before bowing to Celestia. “I will use it for the sake of Equestria, whenever the time comes. Should my country call for me, I will be there.” I said, trying to give a shit.

Celestia’s smile was dutifully faked and the Ceremony was over. I went around meeting nobles. The first ones that really caught my attention were this guy, Fancy Pants, and his incredibly hot wife, Fleur de Lis. Fleur was the one I’d said was Rarity-like in her indescribable hotness. They were the first to approach me after the little ceremony, and they were actually pretty cool for some filthy bourgeois. Fancy Pants invited me to a little ‘soiree’ he was having soon, so I accepted as long as I could bring a friend along. He agreed to my terms after a long, hard second. After he and his wife had their turn, I met Twilight’s parents which was awkward. Not for them, of course, but it was incredibly so for me. It isn’t exactly often I’m dating one of my mark’s kids, and the one time that it had happened before was already too many. Also, I knew that Twilight Velvet slept au naturale, which wasn’t really helping anything.

Still, Twilight’s parents told me that they were going to visit Ponyville within the week and hoped that I would get a chance to see them while they were there. I told them that I’d love to meet them over a cup of tea, and thus they were off. I was glad to see them go, but I hated that they walked away since it meant that I had more nobles to meet A few of my encounters with the highest of Equestrian society were like that, but Twilight’s parents were the last pleasant folk I saw for some time. Most of the other nobles treated me with disdain since I was new to the fold but I maintained a cordial attitude, despite wanting to bite my tongue off again just so I could spit blood on their faces. Fucking elitist pricks.

Once the Ceremony was over, there was a light brunch by way of celebration, and that’s when Celestia told me that my house was being demolished as we spoke and that I could stay in Canterlot for a few days while my new house was built. My heart froze while she beamed at me and I asked if she was serious while congratulations rang out around the table. A raised a brow and a coldness to her gaze assured retribution for the response I wanted to give, but I settled on saying that I wished she hadn’t bothered. All of the nobles in the room thought that Celestia building a bigger house where my perfectly fine one had been was a fantastic idea.

I made sure to wait until Celestia picked up a fresh cup of piping hot to shatter that shit over her lap, making her hiss and cast a couple spells in rapid succession. Everyone asked if she was okay until we heard a crack and something I didn’t do happened; Her chair broke. Well, I didn’t do it then. I’d weakened both Celestia and Luna’s chairs while they themselves were sitting in them for a prank, but I’d fucked up and it had gone to waste while I’d been living in Canterlot. However, a hard jolt and jitter from a heavy bitch got her chair to break, and the best part was that I knew it would look like her sheer weight had broken it and she damn well couldn’t blame shoddy construction. Celestia rose and was fine, but all she could do was grit her teeth and bear it.

In all honesty, I was holding back fuckin’ tears… My house was being destroyed; my first real home that I could call ‘home’ and that was heated and air conditioned and clean all the time and had a deck and a spare room and a nice kitchen… I already had memories in the house that I was going to be losing which shouldn’t have mattered to someone like me. I mean, after I… Well, after John took me in, he helped me find the right places to sleep, even if he rarely stayed with me. I changed around a lot, but… That just means that getting to lay my roots down hurt when they got cut off.

Next thing I knew, Some of Celestia’s own tentacles were touching my no-no zone, and they were getting a little tight for my tastes, so I wrapped Sunbutt’s midsection and started squeezing. We were both red in the face by the time we relented. Celestia had won, but she didn’t retaliate any further, so there was a plus. And honestly I wouldn’t really have mind a bigger house since I probably wasn't going to have to clean it all by myself anymore, but… It was still my home. I took my mind off of it by manipulating the aristocrats when I could, which was pretty fun when Celestia and I weren’t assaulting each other. I found that I could identify with women quite easily, so I befriended them faster than I did with most of the men when I shared a bit of gossip I’d heard from a maid earlier. Still, I managed to win the fellows over with some high brow jokes, so I already had a decent reputation as being a pleasant guy when everything was said and done.

The brunch ended with Celestia wishing each of the guests a good day individually. That took forever, but she eventually turned back to me and nodded. Just as I was wondering why the hell she had nodded, I felt some familiar weights on my chest and a tightness to my shirt. Thankfully I was wearing a belt, because I’m sure my pants would have fallen otherwise. I whipped around to glare daggers at Luna who was wearing a shit eating grin like no other.

“Happy Prank Day!” She shouted for no reason.

“Why? Why did you have to turn me back into a woman?” I asked softly, not slightly amused at that point.

“Because it is funny!” Luna gave me a hug and patted my back.

Maybe I was lucky, or maybe she was lucky, but either way, the punch I threw at her ribs met nothing but air. One of them had teleported me into Luna’s room, which was a mistake on their part. In the ten minutes I had, I turned the contents of her room into a pyramid on her bed. Luna walked through the door, just as I was trying to find a proper place for her vanity. I’d whipped around when she opened the door, so she was now looking at herself.

“Can’t be mad at yourself, now can you?”

Luna snapped her fingers and everything was restored to its proper place. “The spell will last a week. Celestia wants you to know that she is sorry for destroying your house, but we assure you that your things have been kept as they were. With any luck, you’ll have a brand-new home in three to four days with the round the clock magic crew Celestia has doing it.”

She’d taken the mirror from me, so I just adjusted my belt and shook my head. “When do you two stop treating me like a guinea pig pet?”

Luna shrugged. “You attempted to disrespect my sister in front of some of our closest friends. You messed up.”

“Because you’re forcing my allegiance to your country.”

“After all Equestria has done for you?”

“O-Oh? Oh? You mean like judge me for my past? Accuse me of rape? Rape me twice? Violate the inner sanctum of my mind? Wipe my mind?” I smiled at her and laughed. “Oh, no, no, no; You meant when I got murdered! Right? Right? You meant when I straight up died and you Black Magicked me back to life! Or- Or- Wait! Wait! Equestria made me a murderer! And has now forcibly changed my fucking gender! Twice!” I was cackling at this point.

Luna bit her lip. “... We-”

“Luna, Celestia just ended our relationship. Stole my trust in my friends, as meager as it was. Stole the peace from my fucking life. She just stole my home and calls building over the bones of the first place that was mine…” The tears hadn’t stopped slowing since I’d started laughing, my hands trembling like mad the entire time. ”... Literally the first place I’ve ever had basic amenities at other than light and heat… Do you understand how frustrating it is for someone to literally tear your home down because they can? To take your face from you?”

“Yes, actually on both accounts. My old home now lies festering in ruins and I’ve lost many before that one. Also, yes, my body was stolen from me and I was not allowed to control it. I got banished to the moon for a thousand years-”

“Oh for Christ’s sake! Are you empathizing or trying to one-up me on suffering!?”

“A bit of column A and B. Still, you are welcome to stay here-”

“Just- Just...” I shook my head and tried to take a deep, calming breath. “... Just send me to Twilight.”

“...Okay? Are you sure you do not want to stay in the castle?” I stared at her. “You know that she does feel terrible for manipulating you, don’t you?”

“And yet she keeps doing it. Honestly, Luna… You two should’ve just let me fuckin’ die… Why did you even save me?”

She wouldn’t meet my eye. For the first time since we’d started the conversation, she avoided my gaze. “... To protect the image of the Elements. Reorganizing memories is one thing; Covering up a murder an entire hospital was aware of was impossible. Not everypony was going to come forward and say they knew, and there was no telling who’d Dragon Flamed a message, so we did what we had to…”

“... Shoulda just let me die.”

“All lives have a value, Maximus. Your pessimism-”

“Shut up. I’m tired of being here.”

She snorted. “To Sparkle’s domain, I suppose?”

“I don’t care, Luna. Anywhere but here.”

“Cease your mop-”

“SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND FUCK OFF!” I roared in response. “Just- Fuck! Just fuckin’ let me be done for the day…”

“... I apologize...“ Luna’s voice was considerably softer than I’d heard it before, but I didn’t really care. “I’ll have your funds added to your account posthaste.”

“Okay.” Luna waved and hand and the next thing I know I’m standing directly in front of Twilight. She fell back on her arse, so I gave her and a hand up and asked, “You okay there, Twilight? It’s like you don’t have people teleporting into your house all the time or something.”

“Well, I usually don’t, R- er, Max.” She answered.

“Look, sweetie, as long as I have a vagina, you can call me Roxy.” I patted her shoulder. “That aside, I need a favour.”

“I’m not allowed to change you back, Princess Luna said so! Not that I would have. Having you around as a girl means that we can do so much more together!” She beamed.

“Please.” I requested softly.

“Oh, come on-”

“I wasn’t born as a woman, Twilight. I’m not comfortable as one, and I’m not terribly fond of finding out if I have a womb.”

Twilight blushed. “W-Why wouldn’t you have one?”

I shook my head. “I’m hoping I don’t have one. The human equivalent of estrus is terrible and gross as fuck.”

“Well, if you’ve only been a mare for a week and you only have a week ahead of you, you should be fine. If Luna doesn’t turn you back I promise I will. I know the spell well enough.” Twilight remarked.

“... Whatever.”

Twilight gave me a sincere smile. “... Is there anything else I can do?”

I looked at her, resisting the urge to smash her teeth in. “Can I stay here for a bit? Celestia is tearing my house down.”

Twilight blinked. “Well, sure, but why is the Princess tearing your house down?”

“Because Celestia’s not my type of person and she proves her despicability more and more the longer I know her.”

“... Is- Is everything okay?”

I want to kill myself and I barely care enough to cling to my reasons to live. I’m tired of holding on. I’m tired of you shitwads spitting on my forgiveness and leniency. I’m tired of you cunts treating me like I’m supposed to be the paragon of the values you yourselves are supposed to uphold while failing miserably to do so. I’m tired of being knowing just how different I am from you. I’m tired of being pushed around. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of fighting to not be alone anymore… Tired of wondering if being alone was better.

I cracked a smile and rolled my eyes. “My world’s crashing around me with every breath I take and I’m screaming on the inside for a death I know I can’t have, but I have to smile and laugh or else I’m not playing my part.”

Twilight stared at me. “... What?”

“I’m a Baron now.”

“Oh… Um… Well, you have to be rich to be a Baron. I mean, if you go destitute as one, you keep your title, but you have to have a considerable number of bits to even be considered to be a Baron!”

Mhm, that’s a lot closer to your actual depth. “Yeah, I’m super loaded, babe. Marry me and your great grandchildren will die rich,” I said with a frown. “Can you not just turn me back?”

She gave me a look, but there was a lot beneath her expression. “If you protect me from Luna, I might... Do you even know how much you have?”

“No clue in the slightest. I met your parents, by the way.”

Twilight blinked again. She blinks all the time, but it usually doesn’t signal surprise. “You met my parents?”

“Yeah, I did. Lovely folk if I may say so. Very pleasant for aristocrats.”

“Wow. You really do know a lot of ponies in a lot of places.”

“It’s how I operate. I like to know a little bit about everything, just in case that knowledge is ever relevant, not unlike how you like to know a lot about anything.”

“I have a healthy scholarly appetite, thank you very much!” She huffed.

“If books were food, you’d be the size of Steven Magnet, just not in that shape.”

“Roxy!”

I gave her a hug. “I’m just having some fun, Twilight, no need to be upset!”

“I’m not, you’re just funnier when you’re a girl,” Twilight said.

“Maybe it’s because you’re more sexist than you think?”

“Or maybe I’m coming around to you.” Twilight grinned at me and headed off to the kitchen.

We sat and talked for a while before Fluttershy came by. She was surprised to see that I was still a woman and told me that a bunch of dudes had come and torn my house down. Now they were building something else. I explained that little incident to her and she offered to let me stay at her place for one of my days away. I was pretty sure that she just wanted to have me to herself for a day, and I was perfectly fine with that, other than the fact that I was starting to feel so… Numb, I guess. I figured that I could stay at Twilight’s for the night, Fluttershy’s tomorrow, then Twilight’s again because I like variety. With that settled, Twilight dragged me to go shopping with her since I didn’t have any clothes again. I was still dressed as a dude from the Baron Ceremony thing, so I was pretty happy to get out of the ill-fitting garb.

I deviated from my usual wardrobe choices and bought some things in dark green this time. According to Twilight and Fluttershy, everything I ended up getting worked with my eyes, so I had that going for me at least, Their giggles as I tried on clothes didn’t help, however, so I ended up molesting Twilight with my tentacle buddy and she stopped laughing. Sometimes you have to play dirty to come out on top, but it’s also just fun, even if the spark was gone for the moment. Once we finished up with shopping the second time, Fluttershy had Twilight and I follow her back to her cabin so we could try this new tea that she got from her supplier. I may not have mentioned it before, but Fluttershy tends to keep exotic or interesting tea on stock. She usually only pulls things out of her vault for small gatherings of three or so people; a perfect number so that there’s enough to go around and so that the tea actually gets noticed. I agreed with her on the importance of enjoying the flavour, so it was kind of our thing, though I was happy that Twilight could join in on the fun. Since she wasn’t retarded and had a good tongue for caffeinated beverages, Twilight made a fine addition to the Tea Team.

Fluttershy brought out something called ‘Friend Leaf’ that was aptly named. Each tea leaf clung to another in small clumps, and I wondered how exactly they did that. Fluttershy didn’t know, and Twilight was more of a coffee person, so it hadn’t really come up in her studies, thus we had an unsolved mystery that had no impact on anything. The tea was good and the company was nice, though the black days were falling fast. I found myself just staring off into the distance once or twice and tried to lose myself in conversation, but even Twilight noticed that I was enervated. Never let it be said that I can’t keep things moving, even if I feel lie my soul’s been torn out of me.

After a few hours and a few assurances that I was fine, Twilight and I made our departure from Fluttershy’s and I was pretty talked out. There was really only one thing on my mind, and I needed a stiff drink to make it go away, so I tried to tell Twilight that I would catch up with her in a moment. She she followed me to the liquor store anyway. Before we went inside, she grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug, one of the few she’d ever initiated outside of estrus.

“Max… Talk to me… I won’t even say anything if you don’t want me too, but I know you’re struggling and it’s more obvious now than it has been, even in the past few days. What’s weighing your heart down so much?” She held my arms, looking deep into my eyes.

The numbness was already bone-deep. In any case, I knew that the wrong message could end with Twilight’s mind being altered again and with me on another ‘mission’ that I might not come back from. “... Celestia and I broke up and she’s trying to buy me back. I threw her gifts back in her face and she forced me to take them. Lorded her power over me… Set it straight, I guess.” I gave her an empty smile that let the dull ache show because I didn’t really care at the moment. “I just have a lot on my mind and these tits don’t help. Wanna grab some booze?”

“... Are you addicted to alcohol?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Wanna go make some pancakes and coat them in cocaine?”

“We can if you want, but you’re not gonna be able to taste anything else for an hour.”

“What happens if you eat a whole bottle of coke?”

“You- You mean like a table-bottle?”

“Yeah.”

Twilight held my hands. “Max, you’re- You’re scaring me right now… I-Is that an experiment or something-”

“Yeah, we can test different doses of cocaine on a Human through different methods.”

“... Like… Like a full blown round of experiments?”

“Yeah, I’m game.”

“Like… Like full full, right?”

“Are you suggesting a suppository?”

She bit her lips. “... Yes, I am, but-”

“Fuck it then, why not?”

“Max, it’s gonna make your butt numb.”

“It’s not like I’m particularly interested in feeling it anyway. It just does bum stuff.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Maybe some experimentation will bring a real smile to your face?”

I thought about it for a second. I mean I actually put a second’s thought into letting myself have another taste of cocaine just so I could feel good for a moment and said, “Get the coke out of your house and do not, under any circumstances, attempt to give me any. I was worse with cocaine than I’ve ever been with alcohol.”

“... I basically just offered an addict salt…”

“Yeah. And I almost convinced myself to lie to you long enough to taste truly uncut coke, for what might be the first time in my life.”

“Oh stars above… Max, I’m-”

“I brought it up. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

“... What do you need, Max? What can I do to help?”

“... Can you just hold me for a while when we get back to your place?”

She stroked my arm. “Of course. It’s gonna be okay, sweetie. The rainclouds never last forever.”

Some storms last until the sun break them. My sun scorched the earth. “Yeah. Thank you.”

Twilight gave me another hug that I needed. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

And so we did. After we stopped inside and bought a bottle of wine/ I ended up getting the Local Special like I had planned on the last time I was here. The little snake inside was still flittering about, and when I asked Twilight about what it was, she told me that it was a special kind of magical snake that’s hardy enough to live just about anywhere. They were a little on the rare side, but since they were so hard to eat, they didn’t have many natural predators. They could survive on fruit or ethanol, which was cool, though that did mean that I’d basically be buying a pet along with my drink. At least it was a relatively tiny snake, only about ten centimeters or so long.

We didn’t talk much on the way back home, but when we got back to her place, Twilight asked, “So…?” She set her wine down on an inn table near her couch.

“Yep.”

“... How does alcohol addiction work?”

“When it hurts, you drink until it doesn’t. When it doesn’t hurt, you drink because it will.”

“I see… Do… You you want to talk about… About the Princess?”

“I broke up with Celestia for a while because she made some drastic mistakes. At this point, I’m being punished in a lot of ways. Between dealing with her mistakes, vindication, and not being able to call her ‘mine’ anymore... I never really could say that she was anyways. It was always the other way around, but still.”

“You broke up with Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“The mistakes were pretty bad, but I can’t really talk to you about them. Just know that I didn’t come to any harm because of them.” A lie, but a kind one.

“If you didn’t get hurt, you wouldn’t be hurt, so you wouldn’t be drinking. What did she do to you, Roxy?”

“Can’t say, love.” I sat down on the couch and Twilight sat next to me. “As much as I’d love to get it off of my chest, it’s too much to burden you with.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?”

“I wouldn’t complain if you let me borrow your shoulder for a bit.”

Twilight smiled, so I put my head on her lap because fuck you. “That’s not my shoulder.” She commented.

“It’s the soft bit near a large joint. I’m happy where I am.”

I couldn’t see it, but I felt Twilight shake her head in awe of my powerful logic. Thankfully, she was kind enough to let me have her lap for a while, so that was nice. Twilight gently combed through my waves while I relaxed, and we talked about random things. I asked Twilight silly questions that I never expected a cohesive answer to, and she thought of a loophole. “Hey Roxy, what if you don’t talk about what Celestia did to you?” She asked out of nowhere.

“I thought that was what we were doing.” I answered.

“That is what we’re doing, but what if we just talked about the way it made you feel? That’s not off limits, right?”

“I love having smart friends every once in a while.”

“Hey!”

“It’s your own fault and a compliment at that. Where should I begin?” I lifted my head up and rolled over so that I was looking up at Twilight.

“Well, why don’t you start with how… How being with her in the first place made you feel?”

“Ah… I guess I always felt… Thrilled with Celestia. Even when we were just sitting and talking, it was amazing to hearing what she had to say, to hear her opinions and the stuff she thought about. I really fell in love with the way her smile warmed my heart and the way our kisses always made me feel like electricity was running in my veins. Our whole relationship felt forbidden, like no one wanted or expected us to be together and that was a lot of the fervour behind the whole thing, but… I always felt like I was being watched. Manipulated from the shadows…”

“... How do you feel now that you two aren’t together anymore?”

“... I feel trapped. Monitored. Feel like every step I take is being measured for me and I can’t stand it. I just want to run away and never look back, or just go to sleep and not wake up… I have the money to go anywhere in the world, just not the freedom to do so.”

“How do you feel about the breakup in general?”

“... Betrayed. I expected her to pull shite on the same vein, just never so quickly and never so flagrantly. Celestia has none of my respect as a lover, but she’s effective as a leader… I’ll never deny that.”

“Why do you feel betrayed if you were expecting it?” Twilight inquired carefully.

“I guess I expected it in a different way. It was kinda thrown in my face out of nowhere. I knew that she had the capacity and the willingness to do something of the sort, I just… I hoped that she wouldn’t do it to me.”

“It’s tough when a loved one hurts you, but sometimes it’s just better to let them go and see if they learn from their mistakes. If the Princess can’t fulfill the role you need her to, then it’s better than you two go your separate ways for now.”

“That’s pretty perceptive of you, Twilight. Very wise” I complimented.

“What about the whole ‘Roxy’ thing? That has to be weighing on you.”

“... Yeah. Kinda makes me feel like I have fewer friends than I thought I did. Thinking on it, Applejack, Fluttershy, and yourself largely treated me the same, but there was just more that I could do with all of you, and a lot of insights that you gals told Roxy that you never told Max. It makes it harder to trust what anyone says, on top of what Celestia herself tries to feed me.”

“Thank you. Now why do you think you feel like you can’t trust anypony?” She asked.

“... Every time I give someone trust, it either gets thrown back in my face or they otherwise prove to be less worthwhile than I thought. You and Applejack haven't let me down too bad, but the rest of the girls… Hell, everyone has fucked me over one way or another. And now…? I’m just really tired of all of it.”

“... That’s fair, I suppose. I’d like to say that you need to be more careful with who you trust, but the ponies you’re having trouble with are ponies that I would entrust my life to… Are you mad that you didn’t end your relationship with the Princess earlier?”

“You’re really not going to want to hear this one, Twilight.”

“I think you’ve earned a friendly ear. You’ve been through a lot, Max, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with anything that’s on your mind. If that means I hear some unpleasant things about ponies I like, then so be it. We’re friends, and it’s my duty and privilege as your friend to hear you out, no matter what!”

I reached up and booped Twilight’s nose while she was staring off into the abyss. “That’s very sweet of you, Twilight. If I can, I’ll come talk to you about my problems over a cup of tea or a drink, depending on the situation.”

“Well, If it’s a drink you want, I suggest we stick to the wine. I’ve never heard any fun stories about the Local Special.” Twilight started separating locks of my hair with magic. I watched as she began to weave them together. I tried to emulate what she was doing with my telekinesis, but my control was just too poor when I split it into different pieces for me to get anywhere fast, though I did succeed in spooking Twilight. She dropped her magic and started, lifting my head from her lap. “What was that!?” She cried, whipping her head around.

“It was me, sweetie, don’t worry. I was trying to braid your hair, but I don’t think I can.”

“...Roxy, I could see your hands the entire time.”

I tapped her nose with my tentacle and she blinked. “I guess I forgot to tell you that I got more than a little endurance from the time I died.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up with curiosity. “What do you mean? I know you said that you were as tough as a pony now, but what else did you get?”

“I’m actually about as strong as a Pegasus or a Unicorn. I’m on the weaker side of the Pony spectrum, but I won’t die in like, two hits now. As far as the other stuff I got, I’ll probably live for about two thousand more years and I have some insane perception, as well as a boosted healing factor.”

“... You’re practically immortal?”

“Not really. Celestia and Luna are practically immortal. I’ll just live longer than most.”

“Alright.” Twilight rubbed her chin. “What about the perception thing? What does that let you do?”

“It allows me to pick up on body language more easily, sounds, sight related details, smells. Stuff that needs you to use your five senses, and it even gives me a bit of a sixth one.”

“You mean kind of like Pinkie’s ‘Pinkie Sense’?”

“Kinda. It’s more like a feeling of foreboding than twitches or stuff like that. It doesn’t always work, but it has done me some favors in the past.”

“That’s actually pretty neat. I thought you had gotten super powers or something.” Twilight smiled.

“Well, I kinda did. I’m practically a human lie detector, I heal faster than most creatures and can probably regenerate fingers and stuff on top of having some pretty powerful telekinesis.”

“When you put it like that, you make it sound like dying was worth it.”

“I’m pretty sure I went to Hell when I did, so I don’t think so.” At least the second time came with benefits.

Twilight didn’t know what Hell was, so I explained it to her, along with the concept of religion, heaven, worship, deities in general, and the impact that religion had on human life. Of course, I had to mention the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. I hadn’t thought to include the Inquisition, but it just popped into my head out of nowhere, so I went along with it and told Twilight as much as I could. Since she was pretty nocturnal, I stayed up with her and browsed her books some more. I was making some decent headway into a book about this one chaos king or something that ruled thousands of years ago when Twilight told me that it was bedtime. To fuck with her, I quickly changed into my sleepwear and hid under her bed while she fixed some bedtime tea, waiting for her to finish up herself. I heard her mattress press down, so I carefully crawled out from underneath it and gingerly crept my way into her bed. Surprised that Twilight hadn’t noticed, I waited for her to realize that she had company, but soon heard her breathing even out, signalling her journey to Dreamland. I could either enjoy having a nap with Twilight, or I could fuck off and not be weird, so I went with the less creepy option and lamented the loss of a good prank.

I went to the guest room that Twilight had loaned me oh so long ago and laid in bed for way too long, left alone with my thoughts once more. Instead of possibly fucking up whatever emotional balance I had at the moment, I decided that I was going to free my little snake and have myself a sip of something strong. It turned out to be more that a sip, and I was having more fun than usual with the drink. I could see geometric patterns splaying themselves across the walls, constantly moving and warping around whatever they touched. On one hand, It was like being in a net that covered everything, but on the other, there were distinct fractures in the lines that gave the impression of a wallpaper that wasn’t quite applied correctly.

In other words, I was tripping bollocks ‘n dongs.

It was a good time when it starte.d As I walekd around, trails and after images of anything blue or green formed and I also got a lot of fractals as well as an LSA-like body high that left me feeling comfortable and heavy. When I sat down in the living room with my jar, I closed it for a bit and though about life and how it was going. None of my thoughts made sense to me and a lot of things were just impressions, so I settled that matter by thinking of words and forming them into sensical sentences while helping myself come back to a bit of reality. My mind soared and landed in turns, lucidity being a delicacy while it was there and being a fond acquaintance after some time. The trip was deep, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. While I was playing with my snake, I asked if it could talk and it didn’t give me a reply.

Instead of waiting for one, I continued walking around Twilight’s house and eventually looked outside to see a violet sun shining where the moon would be, the light it cast reigning over Equus like a kind mother watching over her child. Gazing out into Ponyville let me see that there were people of all kinds milling about the streets. Ponies, Gryphons, and even the muted shadows of Humans wandered about and interacted freely, showing me a scene I’d wanted for some time. For my worlds to collide and for life to make sense for once.

I fell into a thought loop that branched briefly and led back into the same circle all too soon, but the loop consisted of thinking of what I’d lost, what I’d gained, and what had been taken. It was harsh, but it wasn’t a bad trip yet. I took to mumbling things to my little snake as it listened, and I eventually started singing Dear Laughing Doubters when I needed to smile. It slid down my hand and wound itself into a spiral on my chest, so I took that as a time to rest. I couldn’t sleep, despite the buzz I had going, so I was stuck for something to do. I flipped on the light and checked my pocket watch. There were still two hours before dawn, and I had nothing to do before then, so I went back to finish the book I had been reading, but found that the words on the pages danced too much for me to actually read them. Bored out of my gourd, I settled for drawing pictures, even though I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Still, I tried to make a decent sketch of Ponyville at night but it was a complete failure, so I just let it be.

In the span of two hours, I did a lot of thinking since I was bored. I thought about how Applejack and Twilight were the only friends who reliably heard my side of things when I needed then to listen. I thought about how my relationship with Fluttershy was weighted toward being physical, even though I did love her. I thought about how in love with Applejack I was and wondered why neither of us were truly willing to accept that we would be good for each other. Applejack and Twilight were two of my most honest friends and neither would stick to a lie nor come up with one unless they were trying to benefit me in some way. They were both steadfast and open-minded, and neither ever saw me as an option until I proved that I was worth more than I said I was. Fluttershy loved me for her own reasons, but AJ and Purps had waited to decide that they were and offered harsh truths when I needed them, point-blank.

I loved Applejack as much as Twilight for a lot of reasons, though honestly I feared each of them for their respective strength. Applejack was a type I could deal with, but Twilight? Magic wasn’t an area I had expertise in and I had a feeling that Celestia took mercy on me more than once in the past week. That being said, the way I felt with Applejack… The only thing that had ever come close were those moments with Velvet and Twilight respectively. That feeling of comfort ad acceptance… Safety, warmth, and brimming- No, elation runneth over… That’s real love, and I hate that I’m not holding that blessing with Applejack. I feel the moment hasn’t come with Fluttershy, but Applejack and I have come together over so much and it’s us holding each other back...

I loved Twilight because our intellectual relationship was unmatched and no one else made me feel like she did. I had never truly been interested in sex with Twilight, but I’d wanted her by my side all the same. I’d wanted her mind and insight, her attention and her compassion. I wanted Twilight to smile everyday, for her to laugh at something I said or roll her eyes at something I did, and I could say all of that with Applejack and Fluttershy. However, with Applejack, I wanted to be more than her reason to smile every day. I wanted to be the one solid thing that made her life better. That taught her the most valuable lessons. I wanted to be her rock and her foundation as well as her best friend, but… I can’t say I don’t want that for Twilight too. Fluttershy is another story and I love her in a different way, I guess, or at least the snake-venom acid told me that I loved Fluttershy for some low-key Freudian reason along the same lines as Celestia, and I was uncomfortable with that. I didn’t think on it long, but my preference for motherly/full figures did come up and I dwelled on that for a while.

In the end, I decided to write Twilight a brief note and head to Fluttershy’s. The note was as intelligible as I could make it and I headed out after grabbing the bag I’d gotten for my crap and changing clothes. I didn’t have any skirts or dresses like Fluttershy had requested, but I also didn’t really care. It was already muggy and I wasn’t feeling the dampness sticking to my legs, so I just soldiered on to Fluttershy’s and wondered if I’d see anyone on my way there.

The walk over had me coming face to face with Applejack, less than a kilometer down the only road toward her hourse, might I add. AJ stopped and we… Well, I opened up with, “Hey… How’s it going?”

“Good, I guess. Just… Sortin’ some stuff out… Y’know how it goes.”

“Yeah… Look, Applejack… I…”

“... Yeah, I know… Me too…”

Neither of us were ready for the talk and I was in no way shape or form in the mental state for it. “... Can we talk later? When I’m male?”

“We’ll see… Shine on, Twinkle.”

“Stay bright, Firefly.”

Nothing else happened on the way there because it was early as shit, what did you expect? I only passed Applejack because she gets up early as shit too, but that didn’t explain why I passed her on the way to Fluttershy’s. I thought about it for a moment and tried to remember as much as I could about our brief encounter. It was a littleafter the fork in the road where her road and Fluttershy’s connected, and I couldn’t think of any reason for her to be there this early. She was definitely coming from Fluttershy’s, but why she had been there eluded me. It may have been none of my business, but I was curious, and I was beginning to think that they were too.

I got to Fluttershy’s and thankfully she was already up and outside. After a brief greeting, I started helping her with her animals because it’s always a fun thing to do. I have a certain appreciation for animals that I make sure is well noted among of Fluttershy’s creatures, and they happen to be fond of me sneaking them an extra treat every now and again, so our relationship works out pretty well when I’m on Fluttershy’s good side. Once we were finished with the feeding and whatnot, Fluttershy hesitated to bring me in. She gave every excuse under the sun and I wasn’t having any of them.

There was no more reason to beat around the bush, so I asked, “Hey Flutters, did you commit sex on Applejack?”

She looked at me. “What does that even mean?”

I stepped within arms reach of her and stared into her eyes. “Did you sexual the Apple?”

“What? A-Are you a-asking if I had… ‘Q-Q-Quality time’ with A-Applejack?”

My tongue parted my lips and I grabbed her face gently. “Did you sexify on the apple pie?”

“R-Roxy, you’re really starting to freak me out...”

I gave her some space. “Sorry, got carried away. Is that a yes, though?”

Fluttershy stroked her mane. “Well… Yes?”

“Okay, just curious. I saw her coming from this way and I wondered why she’d make the extra walk. I shouldn’t have wondered, I already know you’re worth it.” I flattered, trying not to make the compliment as empty as I felt.

It totally worked if Fluttershy’s blush was anything to go by. I let the topic die there since I wasn’t all that concerned about what or whoFluttershy spent her time doing, which was another nail in the coffin. I was more upset that she’d slept with Applejack specifically than having just slept around in general and that made me sure of a few things. In any case, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I don’t think mouth to ass contact is sanitary. Other than that little piece of bullshit, my visit with Fluttershy went well, though I may have hurt her feelings when I told her that I didn’t want to cuddle. It just felt… wrong, though I did eventually give in because I didn’t want to make things awkward. I knew that Fluttershy was her own woman and that our relationship was open, but I would have liked to know that she and Applejack had a thing going on. It made me feel a bit alienated from Fluttershy, but I still went through the motions because it was expected of me.

While in Fluttershy’s bed wearing fewer clothes than I would have liked, I thought about how detached I was becoming. The most I was feeling at any given point was either mild enjoyment or some form of pain, so I started wondering about the point of it all. Why should I even force myself to do anything I don’t want to? I already know that I’m going to have to in the millennia to come, so why make myself miserable now? I looked into Fluttershy’s eyes and searched for an answer I couldn’t find, but I hadn’t realized that I’d basically been staring at the girl. She waved a hand in front of my face after a moment and asked me what was wrong. I lied through my teeth and told her that I was just lost in her eyes. She didn’t buy it for a moment, but she acquiesced anyway, much to my dismay. I needed to talk some more and I recognized it. I wasn’t going to get better by biting my tongue, but I didn’t want to push her away..

Without much else to do, I lazed around with Fluttershy until she had the bright idea to go visit Pinkie. I tried to keep my visits to that woman to a minimum, but I was Fluttershy’s for the day, and I was still tripping my fucking tits off so why not? I walked with Fluttershy over to Sugarcube Corner and ordered a vanilla shake. Fluttershy had wanted to ask for Pinkie at the counter, but I told her to wait for a few moments. Once we had our shit, I tapped on the napkin container twice Pinkie came right around the corner.

“You rang?” She asked innocently.

“I did. Do you have time to spend with friends?” I responded.

“Sure! I was just about to go see what Twilight was up to, if you girls wanna join me!”

I lifted a brow at Fluttershy. “We’ll join you.” She said for me.

And so it was decided. Pinkie waited around for Fluttershy and I to finish our shakes, then we went to go see the purple one. Fluttershy and Pinkie babbled to each other the entire way there, occasionally including me in their conversation. I was stuck in my head and the moderate visuals I was still experiencing, so I wasn’t exactly the best conversation partner at the moment. Nevertheless, we got to Twilight’s, had tea, and I got a note from Luna asking why I hadn’t gone to sleep last night. I told her that it had just been one of those nights and asked if we could reschedule for tonight. Luna found it to be acceptable, and so the plan was remade.

For some odd reason, I wasn’t tired at all, despite my growing disinterest in the happenings around me. The trip was keeping me awake, even as it faded. I just wanted to go home and lie down for a while, but that comfort was in the process of being reconstructed, so I was shit out of luck. The girls picked up on my waning energy, so Fluttershy took me back to her place and had me try and sleep but to no avail. We ended up going back to Twilight’s and had her try a spell that was supposed to give the subject restful sleep for about seven hours. I didn’t really care whether it worked or not, so when it did, I was pleasantly surprised. Well, about seven hours after the fact, that is.

… To be honest, every hour after that was just a fucking battle. I’d been swallowed by the pit and my friends kept trying to throw me rope, but it rotted away as I clung to it. I was nicer than I’d ever been and laughed a lot, but it was Pinkie of all people who took me aside and told me to stop pretending. It was during the second day and the conversation hurt to have. She was genuinely concerned and asked what I was going to do when I was finally alone. I told her that I planned on sleeping and she let it go since I was always tired anyway, but I knew that from the moment she walked away, I was going to be watched when I just wanted some peace.

I didn’t bother drinking or smoking whenever it was offered, but everyone was pretty relaxed towards the last day of my new home being built. I’d perked up and was a little more excited about things, though no one knew why. I chalked it up to being adaptable and having my misery take its hold in turns rather than all at once and the gals seemed to accept it. That being said, those days had been a slog. I burned two days being immeasurably depressed, though I tried not to let it show. Life just felt like it was too tedious to bear, and none of the activities that the girls came up with had the spark to them. I even tried fucking Fluttershy senseless one night, but even after hours of sex that was probably more meaningful to her than to me, there just wasn’t anything left there for me.

When the day came that my house was supposed to be complete, the girls got together and helped me buy some random stuff that would help fill the place. No one had seen it up close yet since they didn’t want to ruin the surprise, so seeing it loom in the distance made me stop for a moment. The girls gasped when we got a more complete picture, and Rainbow was absolutely bursting with energy, ready to get inside and give it a goosy-gander. Thankfully, she stayed with the group, so we were all together when we got to my new place.

The house was fucking. Massive. Tall concrete pillars stood watch over the huge double doors in front of us and I was kind of just ready to be done with it from there on. Still, the large, floor-to-ceiling windows and decorative shutters on the higher floors were a nice touch. Even the outer color scheme being mostly dark greens and whites seemed to suit me, but I still wasn’t terribly fond about my old house being bye-bye’ed. Without wanting to wait any more to get my home up and running, I opened the doors to my new house and lead the way down the entry hall which was rather spartan. There were a few knick-knacks that I would inspect in further detail, but a cursory glance showed them to be nothing more than tasteful decorum. Once we exited the entry hall, we came into what had to be my living room. My old furniture had been joined by a few new pieces that matched quite well, and a lot of the art that was on display reminded me of something I myself would buy. We walked further and saw that there was a tall fireplace with a crackling, magical fire in it that glowed with green and blue flames from time to time, which was really cool. Even the lights in the house were tinted, but they gave off purer light that the fireplace and made my eyes feel a little better than they had in the bright day. It was a nocturnes home to be sure.

There wasn’t much we could do outside of looking around, but we didn’t get to explore much further on our own because of a woman that had been creeping in my kitchen. She was a sheep with thick wool and a sharp pant suit that told me she was all about the business. Or the thiccness. The woman had proportions, though I was sure that it was because she was wooly. Between her choice of attire and demeanor, I had no hope that this woman would be any kind of pleasant. Once we came into her line of sight, she approached us.

“Hello. Which one of you is Maximus?”

I waved a hand. “That would be me. Who might you be?”

She extended a hand. “I am Cotton Ball. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Maximus.”

I shook the proffered hand. “Pleasure’s all mine. Can I help you at all, Miss Cotton Ball?”

“No, that would be unnecessary. I am here to guide you around your home.” She said curtly.

I gestured for her to lead the way and so she did. We started on the first floor and learned that I had a day room complete with a billiards table and more matching furniture, a parlour with a piano inside and a view of the Whitetail Woods and a deck that already had some of my previous porch furniture. There was some new stuff as well as a grill. I’d use the fuck out of that grill, but my main focus of the whole floor was the cellar. The bitch was stocked. A large pantry was attached to the kitchen, big enough to be troublesome to fill without a wagon and multiple people, and the kitchen itself was so open that it had an island sitting between it and the living room with space to spare.

Seriously, you could fit everyone in the group around the island and still have space for more people. Everything was very chic if you ask me, and it was my house so I probably have the most important opinion on that. I probably wouldn’t ever bother to change anything about it other than some added decorum, so it was good that I found it satisfactory. Besides the kitchen, living room, day room, and parlour, I had two guest rooms downstairs, which Fluttershy and Pinkie claimed as theirs for the night. Once we had everything put away in the kitchen, Cotton Ball showed around the rest of the house. I had feared that it was three stories from what I had seen on the outside, but I was happy to see that it was only two very tall floors. The ground floor had been great, but the first floor was mostly guest rooms that were more extravagant than my old master bedroom had been, though I did have an observatory on the back wall. I had no idea how it had only taken four days to do all of this, but I was pleased with the result.

Rarity, Rainbow, and Twilight grabbed three of the remaining guest rooms and we continued on to my room. The master bedroom was fucking enormous. I swear, I could make a lap around the room and be out of breath by the time I got back. The real oddity about my room was the fact that it was neatly divided in half. From the fluffy, four post, canopy bed, on either side was a swatch of either purple or blue things. The purple items were generally feminine, and the blue were masculine, which lead me to believe that Celestia had designed my room with my alternate identity in mind. While most of the girls marvelled at the softness of my bed and the quality of most of my bedroom furniture, Twilight and I were taking notes from Cotton Ball. A maid would come by every so often and clean the place for me since I didn’t want to have staff living in my house. I was made aware of the fact that I would need a steward, so I asked the smartest person I knew to handle my accounts. Twilight agreed as long as I promised to go with her to visit her parents sometime. I reminded her that her parents were actually supposed to be in town later today and she told me that they had cancelled, unfortunately. It was a shame, I would have enjoyed getting to know Twilight’s parents better.

As it was, I needed to meet my three staff members, but they wouldn’t be here until tomorrow, so I lead the girls back downstairs and it was agreed that we would have another slumber party Applejack, however, declined the invitation and too that moment to go home. The girls were a little upset to hear it, but I understood it well enough. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her around, it was that we weren’t comfortable around each other. I could feel my heart drop a little when I heard the door close behind her, but there were better moments to be had. My spirits lifted a little when I found that I had a few new snacks settled in my cupboards.

While my good mood was lasting, I tried to get the girls to have a naked pillow fight, but they considered themselves above such wonderful things. Still, I was riding the temporary dopamine rush for as long as I could. I didn’t feel better because my new house was better than my old one, and that... That kind of just hit me again and it was a brutal blow, but a trip to the bathroom to calm down had me back to being cheery enough that the girls weren’t worrying. The slumber party was going much like the last one, but without anyone to keep pace with my drinking, I had to slow down before I looked like an alcoholic in front of the girls. Luckily, I had brought my snake shine with me from Twilight’s, so I was giggling like mad, tripping absolute balls by the third hour. The girls accepted it as a welcome change in my behaviour, so it turned out okay and I must say that adding weed to snake shine makes the world real pretty.

After some hours I don’t remember too well, I woke up on Rarity’s lap, alone in the vastness of my new living room. I sat up gingerly, my head aching slightly and looked around. Rarity was knocked out, so I was willing to bet that she had babysat me while the other girls continued the party. At least, I hoped that she hadn’t done anything unsavoury to me since I was a little moist in an area my tongue wouldn’t reach. The ornate clock on my fireplace told me that it was a few minutes past midnight, which filled me with certainty that the girls were up, so I got off of my lazy arse and started trying to find them. As it turns out, they were in my parlour, playing Never Have I Ever, and my arrival was welcomed, though they did giggle when I sat down.

It was then that I noticed my shirt was on backwards, so I adjusted it to the appropriate position and asked, “So what happened before I ended up on Rarity’s lap?

“Well, after you smoked some weed I brought with me, you kinda went crazy.” Twilight chuckled. “You started walking around touching everything, and then you played hide and seek for a while because you thought Princess Luna was after you!”

“She is after me, but I shouldn’t have freaked out about it. Sorry you had to see that.”

“Roxy, what do you mean?” Fluttershy asked

“I thought blacking out for a few hours was something worth apologizing for?” I sniffled and rubbed my nose.

“No, about Luna. What did you say?”

“Oh, I said that she really is after me, but not in a way that will affect me any time within the next hundred or so years, so I’m good.” I gave her a wink and a grin. “Don’t worry your pretty little heads, I’ll be fine.”

“What about after that?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I guess we just hope that I can make Luna like me enough to let me live.”

Pinkie giggled. “It’ll be okay! Most ponies don’t live that long anyway!”

I traded a look with Twilight and subtly shook my head. She ignored my look and said, “Roxy will live that long.”

“So do Humans live longer than Ponies or something? Because I thought a hundred and ten or so was average for most of us.” Rainbow piped in.

Twilight looked to me to explain, so I rolled my eyes and said, “It’s not that Humans just live longer, it's that I died. When I died, I got some powers. One of those powers was a boosted healing factor that makes me heal faster and live longer.”

“Dude you have superpowers!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

“Chill, they’re pretty lame, which is why I haven’t mentioned them at all.” I shrugged. “I didn’t get anything particularly good.”

“Oh! Can you fly!?” Rainbow asked excitedly.

“No, but I got some lamer, more mundane things.”

“But what all did you get?” Fluttershy asked

“In short, advanced perception, a healing factor, and one other that I don’t want to share since it’ll do me more good if I keep it quiet.” I responded.

“Didn’t you tell and show me?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, but no one else would have known that if you didn’t say anything. A lot of the things I told you don’t leave that conversation, Purps.”

Twilight nodded her assent and with my distraction dealt with, the game began again. I learned some interesting things about the girls, like that Fluttershy had been a naughty little girl in her teen years, and that Twilight had kissed everyone in the group at least once while not on a dare or playing spin the bottle. I also learned that Rainbow had given some thought to what I’d be like be like in the sack, though she wasn’t exactly eager to give me a shot. I couldn’t be mad, after all, how could I be offended when the feeling was damn near exactly mutual? Meanwhile, I also learned that Pinkie was fond of public indecency, Twilight liked weed more than she let on, and Rainbow Dash had tried to sleep with everyone in the group at least once. I didn’t know if that was sad or funny, so I settled on funny.

The game continued long into the night, and when the Sun came up, everyone headed to bed. I sent Luna a note apologizing for not sleeping that night either, but there was precious little I could do about it. I had already stayed up through the night and I wasn’t feeling sleepy in the slightest, so it wasn’t like I could make up the time or catch her on the tail end of things. Although, I still felt a little bad about flaking on her two nights in a row, it’s not like she wasn’t understanding. She sent me a note five minutes later, asking if I was alone. Since I was wandering around my daunting domicile, I told her yes and she popped in right next to me. I didn’t bother to stop since that was quite rude, if I do say so myself.

“Hullo, Lulu. What brings you to my humble abode?” I asked magnanimously. Humble… Ha.

“It would seem you’ve been having trouble sleeping.” She said.

“I have, no thanks to your sister or the Elements. Specifically Applejack right now. And Rarity, I suppose. My mind’s been awfully busy in the past few days, just spinning with the sweet sting of betrayal from the person I trusted most on this planet while also being punished for doing something necessary on two occasions as well. Life sucks.”

“Tis a tough aliment to swallow, but I’m sure that you will find yourself wiser for having gone through these trials.”

“I’m thinking that it’s mostly just making me detached. It’s hard to care about much right now,” I commented.

“Understandable. One learns to live through the apathy in time and eventually you might even find something worthy of your attention. For Celestia, she was meant to lead through peace and found solace in warping societal values into what you see today. For myself, it was conquering, one way or another.”

“It must be frustrating, being held back.” I said.

“You know very well that it is. Even beyond my struggles, you hold yourself back from leaving this nation to find your own peace elsewhere. You owe this country nothing and yet you give all you have only to be restrained at the basest level.”

“What are you getting at Luna? You know damn well conversational-manipulation is Celestia’s thing.”

“... Countries we have been at war with for years are now tenuous allies, and the Equestrian army is better equipped and generally more trained than most other countries, which means that we could rule the world if we felt the desire to and nopony could stop us. Our Ponies are naive and innocent, but the tides of war turns a heart hard and cold faster than any other thing on this planet.” Luna made a face. “Celly has made the world boring and obnoxious, though I do feel that she has done her best...“

“Cheer up, at least you’re still one of the world’s strongest entities.”

“What good is strength if you never test your limits? In all honesty, I would settle for being less powerful if it meant I could feel the thrill of battle once, but sadly, these times prevent me from obtaining what I desire even if I were to lower my standards.”

“... So, what? You wish the country was more for-”

“People like us. People like you, myself, and Applejack, perhaps. You know Crimson. You know Daisy Carnival. You will know more who would fit in a strong yet peaceful nation, but as leaders rather than ground-pounders.” She gave me a meaningful look.

I shook my head, already having come to a conclusion as to what she was referencing. “Have you tried filling the void with some meaningless sex? Meaningful works better, but you have to take what you can get sometimes.”

Luna snorted, frowning. “If the void could be filled with intercourse, then Celestia and I would be known across the world for very different reasons than the current ones.”

I chuckled. “If anything could fill the void, there wouldn’t be any reason to console anyone. You either let time fill it in on it’s own, or you find something to cover up the cracks so you can go on about your day.”

“Hopefully we will find something or somepony that can help you heal. It does us no favors if you are unable to perform your duties.”

“Thanks for the concern, but I’ve got this. I kinda have to, there aren’t many people I can discuss my mind with.”

“Perhaps I could lend you a friendly ear? Despite your status as one of my agents, I do consider you to be a friend.” Luna crossed her arms.

“Despite your status as the bluest Princess, I also consider you a friend. Actually, the being blue bit probably helps more than it hurts.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m glad that my coat is to your liking, but I am warning you now that your flirtations will get you nowhere.”

“I don’t want it to get me anywhere. I’m perfectly happy being miserable in my unnecessarily large home that I didn’t ask for.”

“You say that now, but I don’t believe it will be long before you are begging to take another job for Equestria, especially with your talent in the field.” So I’m a good murderer. Thanks, bitchface.

“Speaking of, am I going to get another mission any time soon? I’d rather have notice in advance, just in case I have to bail on the girls.”

Luna shook her head. “You care about hurting their feelings, but not about how dangerous your next mission may be?”

“Oh, I care, I just don’t see the point in worrying over it. Whatever happens will happen, and if that means my luck runs out one night and I’m hanged for my crimes, then so be it.” I remarked.

“It sounds like you do not care to me. Maximus, Celestia told me to be wary of possible self-destructive tendencies-”

“You’re mistaking acceptance for apathy, though they are easy to confuse.” I answered, the shake in my voice outweighing the steel.

“I have not met many ponies that would confuse the two, and I have met even fewer during my time in the modern age that do not fear death.”

“How many times do I have to tell you guys? I’m not a Pony, never have been, and I never will be with any luck.”

Luna fell silent while we skirted around the perimeter of my place, looking and commenting on some of the things that we saw or thought were silly, like the painting of six cows playing cards, a vase with a vase inside and a vase painted into the ceramic, and the chandelier of actual dildos. I’d failed to notice it before, but Luna pointed out that many of them were made of a clear tube that looked like they were attached to the fixture by a battery-base. She also flew over, grabbed one, and I fucking turned it on. Our stroll around the premises had turned into a bit of a tour, though there wasn’t much in the way of guiding going on. We were mostly just meandering about and commenting on the dildolier, though I was also waiting for Luna to fucking spit out whatever she really came to talk about. After another circuit around the house, I lost my patience.

“Look, Luna, you obviously have something on your mind. If you promise not to kill me, I could lend a friendly ear.”

“Friendship on a conditional basis? That does not sound like true friendship,” She remarked amusedly.

“Well, I would hope real friends wouldn’t try to kill each other.”

Luna sighed. “Just because I can end you does not mean that I will or that I want to. For one who does not fear death, you are trying terribly hard to avoid it.”

I gave her a look. “Oi, just because I’m not scared doesn’t mean I want to rush in face first to my demise. I may not be enjoying my life very much at the moment, but it’s the only one I have and I’m nothing if not frugal with my precious things.” Unless you promise to make it quick.

“What if I told you that it would be a painless death?” She asked brow raised. The seconds ticked by as I chewed on that until she said, “That is all the answer I truly needed, I suppose. An end to the pain is what we all seek at some level.”

“Isn’t it, though? Just a break from the ache, and if that break happens to last a little longer than someone else thinks is okay…” I shrugged.

“One loses sight of how precious individual lives are over time. When you see as many lives pass as I have, it takes something special to give your life value over others. However, that is what very much keeps me going. The servies that I may provide and the wealth of knowledge I yet retain. I am useful, therefore I am worthy.”

I barked out a soft laugh and Luna chuckled along with it. “That’s what was keeping me going for awhile. Someone else was getting something out of my suffering. I was still moving forward and doing good… Just doesn’t feel like it was worth it at the moment. Everything I worked for prior to Equestria got thrown away and is useless to me. Here, everything I wanted fell into my lap and none of it was what I expected it to be. I had what I wanted to be happy, got more than I bargained for, and now I’m fucking miserable, surrounded by opulence like I swore I’d never be… Got everything I wanted because it was passed down to me or built for me, not because I put a damn mite of work in for it… Hard to think that Celestia wouldn’t have made sure I lived comfortably, even if the bribes were all I got from her…”

“So why have you not killed yourself? Your life is officially meaningless and full of despair. Is now not the time?”

I snorted. “... I’ve tried. Poison doesn’t work, apparently. Haven’t worked up the courage to slit my wrists or my throat yet.”

“Cyanide?”

“Arsenic and ricin. Neither did much more than make me puke twice.”

“That would explain the metallic smell of your sweat, but not the floral notes.”

“... I’ve…”

“The scent is familiar,” Luna intoned softly. “Is there something you need help with, Maximus?”

I pinched my nose and let out a shaky sigh. “... Yeah. I’ve been doing coke again…”

“Its effects?”

“Euphoria and boosted energy… The girls were getting worried and you lot use it as seasoning. Wasn’t hard to grab some from the store…”

“I can give you an aversion to the taste with little intrusion to your mind or memory. It would be as if you suddenly disliked broccoli.”

“Fuck, don’t make me hate broccoli.”

“Is that consent?”

“Even if you fuck my head up, it’s better than drying out again.”

Luna laid a hand on my forehead. “How long have you been using… Cocaine…?”

“It’s as weird for you as a Pony getting high off of salt is for me, Luna.”

“And quite ironic. The next thing you’ll tell me is that opium is harmless to your kind.” Her horn glowed briefly and she removed her hand. “What do you feel towards cocaine now?”

I thought about it. “A vague disinterest. Nice. Kinda feels like you’ve done that before.”

“Celly does like it Manganese and pure, but she rarely picks it up enough to warrant deterrence.”

“Lovely. So what’s your vice?”

Luna smirked, rolling her eyes. “Spicy food and anal, though they have nothing to do with each other.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Spicy food is something I believe-”

“Oddly enough I was lying about that one.”

“Oh hell.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“... Yeah, I guess. Do you live because you’re useful to your people, or because of Celestia?”

“In a manner of speaking. I live so she does not have to feel more pain than necessary, even though she seems to invite it to tea whenever a day is going well. Celestia sets the balance and I live to keep it, I suppose.”

“Good thing you never invite me to tea then. I’d say I’ve already had my fill, but I know that I’ve got a few more years of distilled bullshit to wade through, and they’ll be chock-full of it.”

We took our tour upstairs and kept talking. Luna asked me about the girls, though I don’t really know why. She seemed particularly curious about Applejack for some reason, but I hoped that it was just idle curiosity. If Luna wanted to battle with Celestia over the Elements, then that’s their business. Hell, I don’t even know what the Elements of Harmony are even supposed to do! It’s not like their lives were interrupted with Element business like, ever, and honestly, they were a little bite o’ shite at what they were supposed to be masters of. Pinkie gets depressed over nothing, Rainbow Dash was too reckless and aggressive for most people to bother to get closer to her, and Rarity was a fucking business woman so she couldn’t afford to be very generous unless she didn’t mind taking a hit to profits. Twilight was pretty much fine. Her Element is Magic and she does it well so there’s not much I could say there. Fluttershy’s kindness can be smothering, but she means well and she’s learned a bit about emotional distance since meeting me. Applejack, as always, was a steadfast paragon of honesty, so it was kind of odd that I liked the Elements when they actually were what they represented.

I asked Luna what exactly it was that the Elements did, and she told me that it was their duty as sworn protectors of Equestria to solve specific problems, though she didn't elaborate on what kinds of problems. I knew that the girls had freed Luna from the clutches of Nightmare Moon using their powers, but it just didn’t make sense to me. Without a proper explanation, I just chalked it up to more of magic’s nonsense and kept on going. After some more walking and talking, I asked Luna if she would like to stay for breakfast, and she agreed after a moment’s hesitation. I didn’t comment on it and focused on making food because I may or may to have really wanted her to stay. Luna was one of the few people I felt like I could say anything to and get an honest, valid response back from, even if she did usually say something dark or condescending. She was a real one, to put it in a chavvy way. The grocery shopping I had done with the girls had been a good idea, and since we had gotten plenty of random shit, there were plenty of options, so I went with mini omelettes and tiny pancakes. Luna watched as I worked and was quite helpful whenever I asked her to rummage through my shit to find some of my kitchen utensils and a couple of skillets. Between paying attention to where Luna was getting shit from and getting my pancakes done, we were working like a well oiled machine in the kitchen. Rarity was the first to join us, so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind helping me with breakfast since she’s the better chef. She happily agreed, though she basically assumed control right after. Without anything else to do I had Luna teach me the proper way to set up silverware and shit, which was as boring as I’d thought it would be.

Between myself, Rarity, and Luna, we got breakfast finished without a hitch, but now we had to wait for the rest of my guests to get their sleepy asses out of bed. In the meantime, Luna thought it would be… Amusing, if she and Rarity explained some of the finer points of being a Baron to me as well as life as a noble in general. It was boring as fuck. I tried to pay attention, but without any real desire to an aristocrat, it didn’t really make that much of a difference to me. I suppose it was a productive way to waste an hour but the only thing I really got out of it was that I was going to have to officiate some shit on occasion, though Mayor Mare would be handling most of the town’s goings on.

Technically, I have final say in what goes on in Ponyville within reason, but there’s no way in Hell I would ever use that to my advantage, let alone abuse it. Don’t get me wrong; I love power. I like having it, and I like using it, but that’s why I avoid getting it in the first place. I know myself well enough, and I’m just shy of certain that I would use it whenever I didn’t feel like dealing with the consequences of my actions. That in and of itself makes me scared of becoming stronger and is kinda why I’d rather just stay on Luna’s good side rather than over power her. After her and Celestia… What would really be there to stop me? That just… That’s terrifying to think that someone could take over the world and be as shitty as me, but then again, Cell herself was a ball of shite coloured white seen with good light in public sight.

I hadn’t really given that much thought to my new title, come to think of it. I mean, Celestia kind of just threw it at me without warning, and there wasn’t much that I could do about it. I didn’t really want to be an aristocratic prick, rather than the normal, everyday kinda prick that I usually am. At no point did I ever want nobility. Or more land than I already had. I don’t need a title for anything, so it’s frustrating to think that I might be thrown into Equestrian politics when the only involvement I desire is when it comes to my specific skill set. I’m not the most diplomatic person, as most people around me are well aware of that fact, but I’m even less pleasant when I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to. Luckily, Rarity and Luna assured me that as a Baron I’m only a few steps above Mayor Mare, so she’ll be handling everything. My title is basically worthless when it comes to anything other than official business. I thought I could use it to browbeat some filthy plebeians or some lower ranking fuckers, but that’s just not my style. Well, other than that one time with Macintosh, but that was a special case, and it didn’t work anyway.

Still, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about the events that were unravelling. On one hand, I could throw one Hell of a house party if I ever felt like it, but on the other hand, I was officially one of the upper class arseholes that I despised so much. By the end of whatever the fuck Luna and Rarity were talking about, I had accepted my fate and was prepared to deal with it as it came. I had been paying a little attention to what they were saying, but I had to ask them to repeat a few things. Once I had a pretty decent picture of what I’d be doing, I relaxed. Barring the death of the Mayor, I was free to do as I pleased within reason. It did mean that I was going to have to start wearing the clothes that Rarity made for me instead of my usual casual stuff. Thankfully, the town cobbler and I were well acquainted at this point, so having him make me some dress shoes that I could tuck a few knives into wouldn’t be that hard. Sturdy Sole had already patched my boots up multiple times, and his quick work saved me from blisters when I had originally turned into a woman. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned the guy outside of passing, which only goes to show that it’s the people behind the scenes that matter most.

Rarity and Luna talked about some of the happenings in Canterlot while I wrote out a note to Sturdy, and Fluttershy came out to play. I warmed the skillet up for her and made some more pancakes because I’m a gracious host, and she looked like she was still half asleep. It was too adorable when she started to no off while eating. A few times, she got awfully close before Rarity could catch her with some magic.

Was it wrong for me to have hoped that Fluttershy would face-plant into her meal?

Twilight, Rainbow and Pinkie started coming down stairs around three in the afternoon, but I didn’t feel like making breakfast anymore, so they got cheese and egg sandwiches because Fluttershy was being nice. Surprisingly, Luna was still here and she was mingling with the girls pretty decently. Of course they showed her the ‘proper’ amount of respect, but it seemed like they were pretty comfortable around her, save for Fluttershy and Pinkie. Pinkie was just being a fool and Fluttershy is a bit of a coward when it comes to the day to day stuff. If you needed her to save a friend she would pull through, but would run crying from a scarecrow. The day was predominantly spent faffing about in my house. We had everything we needed since the girls had brought their own personal effects along with them, and I didn’t need to do anything besides shift some of my shit around. I was a little worried about how empty the house would feel since it really was far larger than I would ever need, barring some freak accident of some kind. I have to admit, I was surprised that Luna stayed as long as she did and that she got along with the girls at all. I’d figured that her station as a Princess would give her some jitters about making friends, but she seemed to do well enough.

Twilight, Pinkie, and Rainbow all went home around seven thirty for reasons I’m not too concerned with, though that did make me realize that Luna was still awake and it was nearing her time to fuck with the space rock. However, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Luna stayed behind to keep talking about my new position as Baron, but there wasn’t much that was said that hadn’t been covered earlier. I was going to have to go meet Mayor Mare again when I was back to my male form, which should have been the next day, but luckily Luna felt like being nice. One quick spell later, and I was back to my testosterone fueled version of normalcy, though I severely needed to change clothes. In the wake of some very hurtful laughter, I returned in some pajamas because my entire day was already gone. When I said the laughter was hurtful I knew they didn’t mean anything by it, but Fluttershy herself had pointed out that making fun of your friends was something they didn’t do. Apparently only to me…

Luna didn’t care for their antics, though I saw the ghost of a smile on her face. Spending the day with her had shown me a lot about the way she acted around other people. While she wasn’t exactly relaxed, she wasn’t as tense as she usually was, and I took that as a compliment to my home and company. Hell, with enough time even Fluttershy stopped being afraid of Luna and even invited her to the next party slash gathering that the girls were planning. I noted that I wasn’t invited, but I assumed that it was because I was already supposed to go. That, or the girls only wanted fellow females at the party. Either way, I wasn’t terribly offended. Some things are just better off being gender specific. After all, I would have a hard time seeing any of my old mates going to anything less than a kegger or the like, let alone a tame slumber party… I did notice an immediate change in the way Fluttershy and Rarity talked to me, however. They seemed more nervous, like they were expecting me to lash out or judge them for something, so I tried to put their fears at ease by being as nice as ‘Max’ as I was as ‘Roxy’. It didn’t work all that well, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get Rarity and Fluttershy to chill out. Thankfully, the newfound awkwardness didn’t last much longer since Fluttershy left soon after I changed back.

Luna was next to go, but I stopped her for a word in private and she told me why she’d stayed all day. She was worried about her friend who’d just admitted to having attempted suicide and wasn’t sure how to help. I gave Luna a hug for her troubles, but it already hurt enough to live through the day, so I didn’t bother lying to her and just told her that I considered her a better friend than most. She was hesitant to leave, even after I assured her that I would live to see the next day, one way or the other. Luna teleported out and I was left alone with a magically castrated rapist. Though the Sun had set some time ago, I couldn’t help but feel my day brighten when I thought of the ways I could eviscerate her if she tried anything, Celestia be damned..

After Luna teleported out of my parlour, I went back to the living room and asked, “So what do you want to talk about, bonny?” Just leave...

Rarity looked at me in surprise. “How did you know I wanted to talk?”

“You stayed behind after everyone else left. So far, the only time any of you girls do that is when you want to talk. Let’s get to it, yeah?”

“Right. I just wanted to ask how you were feeling about becoming a… Well, you know…” She steepled her fingers.

“A noble? To be honest with you Rarity, I’m not happy about it. I was perfectly fine in my medium-sized house, being a somewhat normal Royal Operative. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was nice, and I saw no reason to change that. However, Celestia thinks that a spoonful of power and a big, empty house is going to make everything right between us...” I snorted. “If that’s all it took, then she wouldn’t want me as a lover anyway. I’d be evil as shit.”

“... I don’t think I’ve ever imagined that a pony would be upset about joining the ranks of nobility.” Rarity said softly.

“Most ponies don’t hate the upper class like I do. In England and in Canterlot, I’ve seen too many examples of the corrupting influence of power. I’ll admit, for a long time I thought I could handle it, but that was when I was a teenager. I thought I knew everything. Nowadays I’m old enough to know that I’ll get poisoned by power too if I’m not careful, which is why I don’t intend on using my newfound influence at all unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“... Max, you know it’s my dream to join the ranks of the nobility! How could you say such things?”

Because I don’t like you and the truth doesn’t make my tongue sting. “Because that’s honestly how I feel, Rarity. It’s not like you have to be the same kind of noble as I plan on being. You’re your own person, and you’ll do as you please. Don’t let my hesitation stall your progress.”

“But… Max, you’re wise for your age sometimes, and I can’t help but feel like this is one of those times. I just… How do you deal with learning that your dream will eventually change you into something you don’t want to be? Even if I could ignore what you said, I can’t ignore what Princess Luna said. I-I…” She seemed to be at a loss for words.

I took up a seat next to Rarity and held her hand. “Look, bonny, I can’t tell you how you should live your life. If it’s your dream to be a noble, then pursue it. It’s just that being a noble includes more than you might be prepared for, so if I can help you in anyway with the connections I get, then I will. I just want you to answer one question for me.”

Rarity looked at me. “I’ll answer your question, but I don’t want your help, Max. This is something that I need to do for myself, using my own tools.”

I nodded. “I can respect that. Rarity… Do you like the idea of dominating someone?”

She cocked her head to the side, furrowing her brow. “... In a game?”

“In a sexual sense. Maybe mental. Emotional.”

The alarm in her eyes was genuine. The pounding of her heart wasn’t panic; it was concern “M-Max… That- Are- Are you okay?”

“Have you ever forced yourself on someone?”

“Good stars above! No! Never! A thousand times no!” She cried, grasping her arms. “Maximus Gadai, I demand to know where this line of questioning is leading!”

“Nowhere. I got what I wanted.” I sipped the spiced rum I’d poured awhile ago, gazing into its dark depths. “You’ll come to no harm from me, Rarity. All the same, I’d like to be alone.”

Rarity openly stared until I gave my gaze back to her. The white bitch legitimately winced when I turned to her. “Max…”

“I’m as okay as I’m going to get. I’m done talking for the night, Rares. Goodbye, and I hope your walk is nice and boring.” I slammed the rest of my glass and got up, walking away.

My so-called friend waited until I left the room to leave herself. The first thing I did was take the Warbling blade to my wrists the long way down only to find that the knife dulled whenever I applied the blade to my own skin. It would cut my hair and sheared through toilet tissue with no issue, but not me. In any case, I tried to banish the thought from my mind and get some rest so I could deal with my day when it came, the uncomfortable possibility of the next day being worse running rampant in my mind. I smoked myself into a come while in my room, never stopping long enough to get over the coughing fits...

Meeting the waking world happened earlier and earlier by the day when I actually did manage to get a couple hours, meaning that I got my journals caught up and made breakfast. Last night marked another unsuccessful attempt, and it wasn’t the one I wrote down. Facing the fact thaT Iwas immortal kind of made me get my head in the game and consider what I had to do for the day. I needed to go find Lupa and speak to Mayor Mare at some point, so I cobbled together something nice and left her a note before I headed out to get my day over with. Lupa was my top priority and was more likely to be active around eight in the morning, despite her lazy streak. I walked over to Fluttershy’s and nothing happened. When I got there, I was greeted by Fluttershy and she told me that Lupa was in the Everfree for the next few days, so I gave her a hug and a kiss before I left. Since Lupa had fucked off without telling me again, I was a little frustrated with her. I knew that my pupper was wild at heart and a free spirit at that, but that didn’t mean she had to disregard my feelings entirely.

Pupper problems aside, the day was shaping up to be a chilly one. I was glad that Rarity had included some semi-formal jackets to go along with my wardrobe, though I did think they were a little much. I had been tempted to just wear my normal attire, but today was one for official business, not leisure. Plus there were some fresh mistakes on my arms when I woke up the first time and realized I wasn’t dead, so it was definitly a long-sleeve kind of day. The outfit I had chosen was all well and good, but I still felt like a bit of a pompous prick in it. My attire attracted some attention as I walked through town. No one said anything to me, but I could feel that I was garnering more attention than usual and it felt pretty gross. I don’t like attracting attention; it means that I’m noticeable and being noticeable is a good way to attract unwanted rib-accessories. It wasn’t a problem in Ponyville, but I was ready to be off of the streets anyway. I walked through the Town Square to the Town Hall and spoke to the receptionist for a moment. The pleasant woman let me know that the Mayor wasn’t busy at the moment and to knock before I went in. Once I reached the Mayor’s room, I cracked the door open just a smidge so I would know what I was walking in on if I chose not to knock. I could see the Mayor behind her desk, leaning back, but I couldn’t see what was going on below the desk. It was probably a good thing since I could hear something pretty sexy.

I closed the door and knocked for politeness’ sake. A flurry of movement sounded from within and had to hold back a chuckle. “Come in!” The Mayor said after a moment.

I killed the grin on my face and let myself in. Her office was about as large as my study and smelled heavily of oranges and cream, though I was willing to bet that it was because of the Mayor’s earlier activities. That, and the blush on her cheeks told me that the middle-aged mare had been up to some naughty business before I walked in. The Mayor was probably around forty-five or so by the looks of her, but she carried her years very well. She may have been in her fifties, but Ponies did tend to appear pretty youthful until they hit sixty or so. As it was, the Mayor appeared to be a bit of a milf. She had nice, full breasts and when she stood, I could see some squeezable hips to go along with them. My thing for authority figures kicked in immediately and I wondered if I could persuade her to have some fun while I was there.

I crossed the room and almost sat in the seat across from her desk. Her actual desk was my spot instead. “Sorry love, am I interrupting something?” I asked with a straight face.

“No, not at all. What can I do for you…?” The Mayor asked with a tight smile, eyeing my position.

“Maximus, though most people just call me Max. It’s nice to meet you, Mayor Mare.” I extended a hand and winked.

Her eyes widened and she accepted it. “So you’re Maximus! Princess Celestia told me that I would meet you soon, and here you are! Let me tell you, it’s about time Ponyville got a Baron of its own!”.

I shook and smiled with a little extra charm. “I’m sure it’s been tough without one so far, though I can’t say I’ll be much help. All anyone has told me so far is that my job is to sit and look pretty.”

“Well, that’s one way to put the contents of your job, but another is that you’re a very vital part of Ponyville growing as a town! With a Baron, we can actually expand!” She beamed.

“Glad to hear that my very presence is a boon, and um… Expanding just so happens to be a specialty. Most women don’t tell me that I’m useful until I do something nice, so this is a lovely change of pace.”

“... I’m sure you hear that often then.” The Mayor said uneasily.

“Oh no, I never hear that.” I grinned, not letting her have her hand as I kissed her knuckle. Releasing her, I said. “Don’t worry, Miss Mayor, I’ll avoid causing any trouble for you, and I’ll even try to help if you ask. I’ll warn you now that my way of doing things tends to be a bit on the odd side.”

“Please, call me Mary. You technically outrank me, so there’s no need for formalities,” She said, concern for the situation devloping on her face.

“Mary it is then. Is there anything I can help you with at the moment?” I asked.

Mary muttered under her breath and I could swear I heard ‘buck me’ somewhere in there. “Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but if you could let Twilight Sparkle know about your new title, that would be great.”

“She already knows. All of the Elements know that I’m a Baron now.”

“Wonderful! I hope this proactive streak of yours continues!” She gave a wide smile, but still seemed troubled.

“Let’s hope, yeah? Are you sure there isn’t anything else I can help you with? As I understand it, being in charge of a town must be... Stressful.”

Mary sighed. “More than you could ever know. My days off are like precious gems to me.”

“You know, I don’t have to leave right now. We could have a nice ‘conversation’ and you could catch a break for awhile.” I grinned and wondered if she would pick up on my invitation.

Her eyes lit up. “Nopony ever offers to help me out like that! I’m all for it, but what would we talk about?”

“Well, we could talk about what you were doing before I walked in.” I said innocently.

A blush warmed her cheeks again. “Oh, I’m sure you don’t care for such boring things. Filing and signing papers is all.”

“Are you sure? I could have sworn I heard you say something before I came in. It made me hesitate to knock.” I bit back a smile.

Mary flustered. “I-I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“Right. You know, Ponyville is pretty skewed when it comes to the gender ratio. Do you have any idea why that is? I mean, it must get frustrating for some of the women around here to not be able to find a man.”

“We mares of Ponyville find our own ways to manage.” She said, averting her eyes. “I don’t believe this is terribly appropriate conversation for the two highest ranking officials in Ponyville to be having, however.”

“Why, I’m certain that it needs to be us to have this conversation. Seeing as how you were the highest ranking person before I became a Baron, I don’t doubt that you’ve had your struggles in finding someone to help you with your desires. Between the busy schedule of a Mayor, the lack of males in Ponyville, and the intimidation factor of being a political power, I’m sure you’ve been struggling to stay strong.”

Mary tugged at her collar. “It has been a bit lonely…”

I laid a hand on her shoulder, letting my hand drift to her cheek. “Of course it has. It’s lonely at the top, love, which is why I’m offering to keep you company for a few hours. No strings attached, just a little release for the town’s most stressed out mare.”

Doors were locked and things were done, as well as me gaining the ability to add Mary to my list of ‘special friends’. I left Mary to recuperate from the brutal dicking I had given her and went on about my day. Unfortunately, I still hadn’t been able to get my rocks off, despite some inventive foreplay from the Mayor. I’d still had fun and planned on making another visit sometime soon, but with my two tasks for the day out of the way, there wasn’t anything else I had to do, so I went home and inspected the outside of my house. After a brief walk around, I saw that my plants were in a greenhouse out back and that there was a Pony in there taking care of them. I popped in to say hi, and it turned out that the Pony tending to my smelly garden was none other than Briar Rose.

“Oh shit, would you look who it is! Briar Rose, in the fur, taking care of my ganja!” I said as I walked through the door.

She jumped like I’d tazed her and it was funny. “Bloody Tartarus! You scared the shit out of me, Max!” Briar spat back, “Who taught you how to knock!?”

“No one, apparently. Don’t say that like you aren’t about to cry from delight, though. I know you’re glad to see me.” I said with a grin.

“I’m about as glad to see you as I would be to find out that Big Mac is going to buck my flank until I can’t walk.” Briar replied with a smile.

“You’re a naughty one, so that sounds like you’re ecstatic.”

“Buck off!” She chuckled.

“I might. Who put you in charge of my weed?” I asked

“From what I heard, it was Princess Celestia. My sister told me that she saw some plant in your shed and wanted to find more for you, so here you are. These buckers bucking REEK!”

“That they do, but they’re also worth their weight in gold. Once I get one of these processed, I’ll have to show you what they’re for.”

“Unless your going to shove it where the Sun don’t shine, I can’t say I’m terribly interested. I only come every once in awhile, but I’m already sick of the way these things smell.”

“You should smell them when they’re burning. The smoke is a great way to have a bit of fun.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Did you want something, or are you just here to stare at my flank while I work?”

“While I can’t say that arse-tronomy isn’t one of my favourite subjects, I can say that I was just curious about some of my staff. Feel free to say hi anytime you stop by.”

“Hi. Now bye!” She shooed me away, so I broke off a piece of one of my plants and threw it at her. It stuck in her mane and she never even noticed.

I strolled out and went to go check out the large shed that was nearby. After opening the heavy wooden doors, I saw that it was a combination of storage and a workshop. Upon further inspection, I noticed all kinds of tools for just about any task I could imagine, and when I looked at the floor, there appeared to be more than just a workshop. I pulled up some of the planks that looked like they had been cut to a different length and climbed the ladder down into the hole. Without a light, it was nearly pitch black, but the further down the ladder I went, I could see a splash of illumination.

Once I was all the way down the ladder, I had a look around. I appeared to be in a room that looked an awful lot like a bomb shelter or something. I didn’t know why it was under my house or what it even really did, but asking made me feel kind of dumb. There was light from magical lights as well as somel from the runes on the floor. Besides the runes, the room was empty. I walked around the rune, but none of the symbols made any sense to me. However, there was an etching in the middle of the runes that looked a lot like me with another half that was yet to be filled in, but whoever the other person was they were short. I touched the thing, it hummed, and Twilight appeared on the other half of the medallion thing. Since there wasn’t much I could do other than guess and wonder, I climbed back up the ladder and sealed the hole. I would have to ask Luna about what that was later but for now I wanted a drink.

There was a brief period where I sat in my living room with my glass of wine and gave some thoughts on whether or not I should try charming Briar Rose into a quick romp. I decided against it since I had already slept with a new partner, and one that I needed to have business relationship stuff with at that. It hadn’t done me much good at the time, but I could deal with another bad choice for the time being. Without anything else to do and my life seemingly nowhere nearer to ending, I decided to pick up the book I’d left off with writing. The pages were loosely bound, so they wouldn’t be hard to find.

I located them in a drawer in my study and started reading what I had written. Frankly, I thought they were a bit much, but I remembered the audience I was writing for and that swayed my opinion. I wrote out a note to Mary, asking if she knew of any publishers in town. I waited for a reply, but it occurred to me that she might not have Dragon Fire to send a note back with, so I was going to have to rectify that. After I’d gotten the story touched up and made some edits, I found that I had all the time in the world and no one in a house the size of a legitimate set of cheap flats .

I was bored within minutes.

There was little for me to do for the time being, so I filled my time by writing a sequel to the Midnight Stroll book. I won’t go into the details of it here, but it was another story from my past and it translated fairly well after a bit of creative licence. I had to censor a lot of things since that was also the story of the time I lost my V-Card, but it was still shaping up to be a good story. I wrote long into the night and retired when my eyes were as tired as my hands. I woke up to the sound of a magical chime the next morning, alerting me to the fact that I had a visitor. It was a small wonder that I hadn’t woken up before then, even though it was only five. I trudged down stairs and opened the door to find Twilight and Mayor Mare waiting for me to arrive.

“Max!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s good to see you!”

“Likewise. What’s the deal with the early visit, ladies?” I asked, yawning.

“Well, it’s come to our attention that a mare by the name of ‘Trixie’ has set up shop in Ponyville. Apparently, she wants to put on a magic show.” Mary replied.

“...And what does this have to do with me? At five in the morning, mind you.”

“It’s five-forty and we need you to be there!” Twilight explained. “As a new Baron, you need to make as many public appearances as possible, so we think you should go to Trixie’s show.”

“And this couldn’t have waited until say, noon? Why the Hell are both of you up right now?”

Mary coughed. “Well, Twilight and I just happened to run into each other on the road. There is another matter I wish to speak with you about.”

Twilight smiled nervously. “Sorry to interrupt, then. I just wanted to perform my duties as your steward and I knew you have a penchant for getting up early.”

“Thanks for stopping by, Twilight. I’ll probably stop by your house later today if you’re awake.” I responded.

“I should be, so I’ll see you later! Goodbye Max, Miss Mayor.” Twilight waved and began her trip back home.

I invited Mary in for a word and started getting some breakfast tea ready. We settled down in my living room while we waited for the kettle to boil. Mary didn’t seem like she was going to be forward with what she’d come for, so I asked, “So what did you need to speak with me about?”

Mary studied her hands. “Well, I was just wondering if there could be a repeat of yesterday? I know it’s rather soon, but-”

“No worries, love, let me turn the tea down and we’ll save it for after.”

We did the sex. We had the tea. The tea was fucking great, and I was incredibly grateful for the selection that the girls and Celestia had provided me with. The sex was noteworthy, though I was still zero for two which was moderately frustrating. I had a case of blue balls that was beginning to irritate me and I considered seeing if I could borrow Fluttershy for a day. I’d always wanted to see how long she could go until she stopped making sense, and it seemed more pertinent the more I thought about it. After Mary left, I got my morning routine done and waited around a bit before heading to Fluttershy’s. I’d hoped that she was going to rise with the Sun and my hopes were well-founded. She was out and about, hefting bags of feed for her critters, so I helped her along with the process. Fluttershy caught me trying to slip her bunny, Angel, an extra carrot to keep me in his good graces, but she let it go when I told her what I was there for. Once we got the feeding and whatnot done, Fluttershy and I locked ourselves away in her room to play. We spent the entire morning going without a break and I finally got off, so I was content to call it, but Fluttershy was nearly insatiable. At five thirty, Fluttershy finally let me go, and I was feeling every minute of our time together. I was grateful for the shower that we had taken together since it helped ease up some of my muscles, but I was still sore.

The thing with Trixie wouldn’t be going on until nightfall, so I wandered around town for a little bit and bought some new cologne because it never hurts to have multiple scents. After meeting up with Twilight and Mary to watch the show, I had to take a moment to laugh at Spike and the ludicrous moustache he was sporting. I didn’t laugh in the poor fellow’s face, mind you, but I did have myself a chuckle when I saw it. Why Spike wanted facial hair when he had scales was beyond me, but to each their own I suppose.

In any case, the show started and it was flashy. Twilight commented that her illusions weren’t half bad for the amount of magic she was putting behind them, though that was pretty much the extent of it. Pretty illusions and parlour tricks that really didn’t amount to much. ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ was turning out to be a flop, leaving me bored after the first few minutes. My interest was waning, going on disappearing when Rainbow Dash suddenly got up in Trixie’s face for some reason or the other. Spike was reacting rather childishly and Twilight was persistently putting an end to his comments. I didn’t see the problem with a little boasting, but I will admit that Trixie was getting annoying

For some reason that I will never quite comprehend, the blue bitch picks Twilight out of the crowd after challenging the citizens of Ponyville to a contest or some shit. I’d had enough of Trixie’s arrogance, so I encouraged Twilight to go face her, but when she balked, I offered her as many kisses as she could handle for the night if she were to go up and beat Trixie. Twilight hesitated, so I gave her a taste of what was to come and she spaced out for a little bit.

With Twilight out of commission, I decided to go and face Trixie myself. After hopping up on stage, I gave her a wave and said, “Wotcher, love. Name’s Max.”

Trixie scoffed and looked out to the crowd. “This is what you put against me? This isn’t even a Pony!”

“Bitch, I’ll fuck you. Let’s get on with the contest already, yeah?” I said, having lost all patience.

Trixie didn’t miss a beat. “Fine, ape! Name your challenge!”

“Wanna fi-” Wait, I can’t kick her ass. She’s a girl and I’m a Baron. Damn. “Fiiix locks?” I scanned the crowd until I found who I was looking for. “Onyx Lock! Grab your two toughest locks and some tools, yeah?” I called out. I saw a thumbs up, so I sat on the edge of the stage and kicked my feet for a little bit.

“Picking locks!? Trixie will trounce you in-”

“No magic. Hands only, no magic. You said I could challenge you to anything, right?” She stared at me and I shrugged. “What, were you planning on cheating, madam?”

“M-Magic is not cheating, and the Great and Powerful Trixie-”

“Why don’t you stop by Sugarcube corner and get a smoothie or a milkshake? It’s already a touch nippy, but you could use some chill in your day.”

The crowd chuckled at Trixie saw that she was losing their interest. “Fine! Trixie will defeat you in this contest and you will rue the day-”

“Oi, weren’t you doing a show or something?”

She stomped her hoof. “Darn it, Trixie will do as she pleases!”

“Not in my town, love. Bring on the pretty spectacle, yeah?”

Trixie huffed and kept performing more tricks, but once you’d seen a few the rest were pretty boring. Onyx came back pretty quickly and brought his shit with him. After having Mary come up and inspect the locks because of reasons, Trixie and I were tasked with using the picks to unlock the lock. No magical tampering would be allowed. Since I’d been allowed to set the rules, I weighted them heavily in my favour. Trixie struggled with her lock and I had mine open and ready for use after a mere thirty seconds since Onyx had helped me cheat even more. I kept getting tripped up by a couple of the tumblers whenever I called Trixie out for trying to cheat, but it was nothing a little bit of know how couldn’t solve, which was more than I could say for Trixie. She was livid that she lost and shut her show down immediately after, which I thought was just petty. However, it wasn’t my problem, so I accompanied Twilight home and made good on my promise, despite her not actually doing anything.

Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy snogging Twilight? She’s got some fucking lovely lips, after all.

I learned from Twilight the next morning that Trixie had gone full retard and some of her cronies had awakened an Ursa Minor, which was a fucking massive constellation slash monster hybrid. I was glad that I hadn’t had to deal with it, but the fact that Twilight had was just a testament to how adept she was with magic. Speaking of the morning I spent with Twilight, the girls were going to have a picnic later in the day and I was invited. Twilight offered to turn me into Roxy so I could wear a sundress since it was supposed to be one of the last nice days of the year. I agreed with the caveat that she turn me back the second I request it. I inwardly sighed at the thought of having to wear a dress all the while, but I knew that it was Twilight’s way of trying to keep me as involved/in the loop with our friends. I had avoided wearing a dress for the majority of my time as Roxy for good reason, and that reason was that the breeze… Dear God, the BREEZE. I still shudder at the memory.

With brunch over and done with, Twilight escorted me back home so I could have clothes to change into. Once the transformation was over and done with, I got dressed again and had Twilight teleport a set of my male and female clothes over to her house so I wouldn’t have to come home and change next time. With my penis well and truly gone again, Twilight and I went shopping for a pretty dress. I hated myself more and more, but I couldn’t bring myself to find a tall enough bridge, so I suffered through trying on various brightly coloured, far too short skirts.

I eventually sated Twilight with a modest, pale blue number that I thought was still too short, though she thought it was perfect. Of course the two of us wondered if it would impact my sexuality at all, but then I realized that my eyes were still glued to Twilight’s bottom when she walked up the stairs to her front door, so I figured that I was good. I sat and talked to Twilight for a little bit before we headed to the picnic, and once we were at the destination with our blanket laid out, we waited for the rest of the girls to show up.

Rarity and Fluttershy were first, and both of them were all smiles when they arrived. Both looked lovely in their warm weather attire, and my eyes may have wandered as they were getting seated. Rarity was a little quiet whenever I spoke, but it was a welcome change of pace. Rainbow was next, and Pinkie Pie was last, though she was the one bringing most of the food, so she was allowed some leeway. The picnic was nice and the food was good, though I steered away from any desserts that Pinkie brought along. She had a tendency to make things far too sweet when left to her own devices, and the ridiculous amount of icing on her cupcakes were a good giveaway that they were nothing but pure sugar.

The picnic went off without a hitch and I returned to Twilight’s house to get changed back. The process was quick and painless, though the blush on Twilight’s face whenever I stripped down made the experience worth it for different reasons. I’m not an exhibitionist, but I do love messing with people in pretty much any way I can

☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽

Those were pretty much my last interesting days for awhile. Life slowed down a lot and things became pretty boring. I smoked a lot of weed, cut when it hurt inside, drank when it hurt in general, and made the most of my sex life for what it was worth. Once I became a Baron, life seemed… Trivial, to a point. Many journal entries have been started and subsequently tossed since there just wasn’t enough in my days to make it worth writing about. I spent my days making public appearances, getting to know some people, and hanging out with the girls as either ‘Max’ or ‘Roxy’. I got used to changing between forms, and to a point, I was beginning to get more comfortable being in either set of shoes for as long as I needed to be. It was almost as if I had set out different mindsets for my different personas, and I noticed that the choices I made as ‘Roxy’ were often similar, but slightly different to the ones I would have made as ‘Max’. Twilight and I studied that disparity, but Equestrian psychology was limited at best, and there was no way to describe it without making me sound insane. I decided to deal with it for the time being, though I did wonder if I would retain all the same abilities between identities. Despite my curiosity, an opportunity to test my hypothesis never came.

I spent a couple of months cooling my heels and generally taking time to get my head right. By no means was I okay, but regular talks with Luna and Elfriede helped me keep my head on the level. When I had bad days, I talked to the only friends I had that cared enough address the topics I brought to them directly, or rather, they were the ones that made me feel like I wasn’t some useless piece of trash harbouring darkness for the sake of keeping myself miserable. I spent a good bit of time with Luna during my nights whenever I was sober, though I drank away a few opportunities since she refused to see me while I was too deep in the sauce.

Celestia and I started talking again after a while. It was actually her who suggested that I try talking to Applejack again, so make of that what you will. Our communications were purely platonic, and after a few weeks of correspondence, I found that I didn’t really hate Celestia. She’d made me a Baron with the ability to do whatever I wanted. Yes, she bribed me to keep my mouth shut, but one of the reasons she talked to me was because Twilight butted her nose into our business and… Well, it was for the better. It was easy to blow off steam in our letters to each other and it seemed like a healthy way for both of us to ease our minds from the monotony of daily life, though I was careful to make no discernable hints of wanting to get back together. I wasn’t really sure how to handle Celestia now since I’d never really had much experience dealing with exes, but I muddled through as best I could and was rewarded with a confidant that I could express most of my worries to. That being said, I grew closer to Luna too. I learned more of her sense of humor and tried to play to it more often, though I did still infuriate her on occasion. I often told her that it was a part of my charm and sometimes she would teleport mud into my personal toilet and tell me to flush my system out. We tried policing dreams together, but after a mishap that involved a tentacle monster in Pinkie’s dreams, Luna forbid me from interfering with any more dreams.

In my defense, I thought Lemmy had been cute. Pinkie Pie certainly thought so.

Elfriede voiced a mild desire to have me in her home around the same time I started talking to Celestia again. The northern queen was oddly flirtatious in her letters and very descriptive. I spent many hours writing back what I hoped were adequate responses, and eventually, it was decided that I would see Elfriede at the next Equus Olympia in the summer. As I write, it’s the middle of the Equestrian winter, so that wouldn’t be for some time, though I did find myself looking forward to it. I missed Elfriede’s acerbic nature; it contrasted so well against the Pony’s general happy attitudes, and its bite was even sharper than Luna’s. I wouldn’t mind seeing Elfriede again, especially if it meant that we could have that little romp we’d been writing about for so long.

While on the topic of sex, I met my maid and resisted the temptation to lay her constantly. Bliss Berry was definitely fine as she was built like Rarity, but a bit more generous around the hips. Bliss was fond of showing up to my house in a little French maid outfit that was absolutely tantalizing, and it often rode a little higher than I would have considered decent at times. This event occurred so often, I based whether or not I would stay in a room while she cleaned on where her skirt happened to lie at that particular moment. Bliss was either a fantastic actor or completely unaware, because she’s flashed me on ‘accident’ plenty of times, yet she still wears the outfit. I’m not complaining, but I do hope that I can convince her to have a little fun with me someday.

Other than hanging out with the girls or showing up to town events, I haven’t really done much in the past few months. The only reason I’m writing now is because I don’t want to leave too large a gap in my logs. It’s somewhat sad now that I think about it. I really have let myself slip in the past few months, but no more! I’ll have to remain diligent if I’m going to share these with the girls one day, though I do have my reservations about that.

I suppose that’s all for now. It’s been awhile since I’ve had to end one of these… I guess I should say that my life isn’t magically fixed. Nothing really changed other than the frequency of the bullshit I’ve had to deal with. Life got good, I guess, but… What good is it if I don’t even like living the life I have?