As I ignored glares and stares while walking through Canterlot, I couldn’t help but wonder who the grey mare manning the cello had been. I wasn’t exactly obsessed or even terribly enamoured, but I was curious as to just who could work an instrument like she could. Every stroke of the string with her bow made my bones rattle in a way that I couldn’t shake and I wanted to know her better at some point. The walk itself was uneventful, though my reception at the castle was new. Instead of waylaying me at the gate, the Day Guards on duty allowed me to pass with no kerfuffle and I was extremely grateful for that. I pondered the change in attitude and came up with two possible solutions: Celestia had let the guard know to keep an eye out for me, or the fame that Luna had mentioned was bearing fruit. Either way, I was happy to not have to deal with guards being pricks.

Ruminating on my dealings in Gryphonia and the reception I’d got in Ponyville, I couldn’t imagine that Celestia was going to be happy to see me but I really didn’t care. I mean, if I did, I wouldn’t have fucked Elfriede. That being said, I really wanted to go ahead and let her know that I’d acted as I’d thought best, but if she was any manner of reasonable she’d already know that all too well. In any case, I took my time and made myself aware of what I wanted to say, even if it really wasn’t much.

After walking through the castle like I owned the place because I know the people who actually do, I found the back of the line for Celestia’s precious time-waster. Why she herself presided over court all the fuckin’ time was beyond me, even if I actually did understand the reasoning behind it. Yeah, connect with your people and all that, but why spend eight hours a day talking about shit people could take care of themselves for the most part? Getting into Day Court to see Celestia was a breeze other than the wait. I didn’t have to sign more than a couple of papers before I was in front of the woman herself, though once I came in, she ordered the staff in the room to go elsewhere for a moment. That was a worrisome thing. Once we were alone, Celestia stepped down from her throne and approached me, taking her time. By the time she came to a stop, I had the flowers in one hand and the chocolate in the other

“Hullo, Hun-” I started casually.

“No.” Celestia interrupted. “Just no.”

I pursed my lips and wiggled the flowers. “These are awfully heavy. You wouldn’t mind-” They were immediately incinerated. “I suppose that solves that. Rudeness” I dropped the burnt remnants.

“I told you explicitly to not go to Gryphonia.” Celestia said in a low voice.

“You did.”

“Yes, I did. And yet, you’ve gone to Gryphonia, after I made it ever so clear that I did not want you in Gryphonia.”

“I sure did, Celestia.”

“...What is wrong with you!?” She asked, taking handfuls of her hair. “I try to keep you safe, to let you lead a boring, normal life, and you freaking jump at the opportunity to throw yourself into harm’s way! It’s like you have a death wish or something, and don’t even get me started on how reckless, foolhardy, and stupid you were to even go back to Gryphonia!”

I shrugged. “It was for the good of your people and for you. I stopped a war, so get over it, I guess.”

Celestia drew breath and prepared to do some more yelling, but the abrupt arrival of Luna gave her a moment’s pause. I waved at her and she conjured up a bucket of popcorn and a seat before sitting back to enjoy the show like she said she was going to. Fucking bitch. “Max. Why must you defy me?” Celestia asked. “All I want is for you to be safe and happy-”

“Hold on. We need to be kind and rewind for a moment because when we started this, you said you’d allow me my freedom, did you not?” She took a second to think before nodding. “And that freedom means that I won’t always do as you ask. I was the only person left who could do the mission, and I saved lives because of it. Be happy about your subjects surviving to see another day, and stop focusing on what’s making you upset. It won’t get you anywhere and quite frankly, it’s not going to phase me, so save your breath. Most of what you’ve said has fallen on deaf ears.”

Celestia’s sizable chest heaved for a few more moments before she huffed and turned away from me. “Did you think I didn’t know any of that? Let a mare be mad, will you?”

“Not when I feel like our relationship is in danger, though I’m guessing we’re okay since Luna’s here.” I glanced over to the blue sister and saw that she was still there. She waved with a piece of popcorn between her fingers.

“We are, I just needed to vent some frustrations.” Celestia turned back to me. “I thought you would have fought back with more yelling, though. Perhaps we might find some cathartic release in words we didn’t know needed to be said?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I have any of that in me. I’m kinda tired.” I shrugged. “Never thought I would hear anyone complain about not arguing, though. That’s kind of a bad sign on your end, Cels”

“Well, when one as certain expectations, they expect them to be filled.” Celestia said, turning her nose up at me. “Forgive a Princess for having standards and eccentricities.”

“I’d rather feel up a princess, if you know what I mean. And speaking of doing certain things to royalty, I uh...”

“...What.” Celestia stared at me.

Luna started giggling her head off.

“Yeah, I shagged Elfriede. I came with my tip pressed against her uterus. She squirted on my-

Celestia’s mouth opened a few times, but words didn’t come out. She tried again. “Max, you killed her husband!”

“Something we’re both well aware of. In fact, I think that’s like, half the reason she did it.

“... Elfriede knows you killed her husband?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Oh my God, I thought she was going to kill me for a bit, Adolf’s bastard nature be damned..”

“What the hay is wrong with both of you?” She asked, probably not expecting a real answer. Or a sensical one. “Maximus, that… You bedded a woman-”

“After murdering her husband. Fun fact; she’s the one who slit his throat. I poisoned him.”

Celestia’s hand covered her mouth. “What…”

“I’m too sexy and she’s fallen for my charms.” I blew a kiss to Sunbutt and she grimaced.

“I’m seriously worried about how you seem to treat sovereign rulers with a certain level of nonsense. Any other fool in your position would be dead and there would be a war.” Celestia’s fingers found her temples.

“I’m a one of a kind, baby. What else can I say?”

“You’re a rare nuisance that happens to be exotic and cute.” She smirked, still squinting and rubbing her head. “Maybe you’re just lucky?”

“I think you’re luckier than I am. You have me in your life, but I’m burdened with being as great as I am. It’s not fair!”

Celestia rolled her eyes and Luna barked out a laugh. “You’re also funny, I’ll give you that. Getting down to business, now.” Her posture turned serious. “What are we going to do about your punishment? Something has to be done for you ignoring a direct order.”

I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the letters that were engraved in my flesh. “Way ahead of you, Hun. Any more than this isn’t fair considering I was doing you a favour.”

“... I forgot the Gryphons practised such a brutal method of bequeathing titles.”

“And I didn’t know in the first place, so lucky me. I think this was punishment enough.”

“It’s hard to argue with that. I remember the process all too well.” She shuddered. “It was not pleasant.”

“You’ve been carved up too?” I asked.

“Both of us have,” Luna chimed in through a mouthful of popcorn, “it was a part of becoming nobility a few thousand years ago.” She made a contented sigh and I felt no small amount of respect for both of them.

“I’m glad you stopped that barbaric bullshit then. Seriously, why would you trace the same wound multiple times if for no other purpose than to cause excessive pain?”

Celestia traded a look with Luna. “That’s the point.” They chorused.

“Sick fucks, the lot of you.” I huffed.

Celestia rolled her eyes again and strolled up to face me. “You say that, but you’re all too happy to get in the thick of the sickness.”

“I think it's just that bad things are always the things that feel best. Remember when you sucked Fluttershy’s cum off my di-”

Celestia smacked my arm as a blush quickly spread across her face. “Max!”

Luna sniggered in the background and I gave Celestia my best shit eating grin. “Spank me, Mommy. I’ve been such a bad buoy.” Speaking of floatation, I wonder if I can make dabs?

Her face fell flat, her horn glowed, and I was suddenly two feet off of the ground. “There’s nopony in here besides you, Luna, and myself.” I felt her magic drag me along as she walked back to her throne.

“Oi, Hun! No need to do anything hasty! I was kidding!” I said quickly.

“Nope. You asked me to spank you, so here it goes.” Celestia sat down and floated me onto her lap. “Are you ready to receive your punishment, you naughty little colt?”

“Wait! I have a question!” I shouted.

Celestia’s hand went to her chin. “I suppose you may ask it.”

“If we’re going to do weird, kinky shit in front of Luna, does that mean she’s open to a threesome?”

Her hand came down with a resounding slap and I got a case of the giggles. Her hand came down again, harder this time, and my giggle fit only intensified. The ludicrous nature of the situation was not lost on me, though I believe Luna was just enjoying the sight of me being hit. Celestia’s spanks got more intense as she went along until the point where I just looked back at her and gave her a goofy smile. My arse was aching something fierce, but I was too busy laughing my bloody head off to care.Celestia dispelled her magic and let me up, so I sat her in lap and the pain in my cheeks flared up upon contact. After riding out the last of my chuckles on Celestia’s thighs, I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed.

“That was fucking retarded.” I said once I caught my breath.

“Why were you laughing?” Celestia asked.

“Because it was fucking retarded. Next time, I’m spanking you.”

“At least I know how to enjoy a spanking.” Celestia muttered darkly. “Not even half mast.”

“Don’t feel bad, Hun, spanking just isn’t my thing. I’m sure we’ll find some outlet for your dom tendencies, just not in me.”

Celestia gave me a sly smile. “You know, I have a few toys you might like to try. If you’re ever feeling adventurous, that is.”

“Sleep soundly knowing that the only time I ever want toys to be involved is when they’re being used on you.”

“Are you sure? I think you could have some fun if you learned to relax.” Celestia’s face held a bright smile. “Maybe you just need some time to come around to my way of thinking.”

That sounded ominous. “Yeah, don’t get your hopes up. I don’t want to be penetrated, like, at all.”

Celestia patted my thigh. “That’s what you think now. Give it a week.”

I gave Celestia an odd look, but the mischievous smile on her face didn’t go anywhere. As I was getting up, she held me in her lap and kissed my face over and over again. I just continued looking at her as she peppered my visage with pecks, confused as Hell. When she finally stopped, she still had a devious look about her, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what she was planning. It was also very concerning that she’d gone from expecting to argue with me to going on about some kind of punishment to spanking me to kissing me in the span of twenty minutes.

“Alright, you abused me, and now you’re showering me with affection. What’s going on?”

She levitated me into her arms and stood. “Nothing much, we’re just going to take the day off.” Celestia smiled brilliantly. “I’ve found the perfect way to punish you, and I just know you’re going to love it!”

“I’m sorry, I did what exactly to get punished?”

“Disobeyed a direct order.”

“Did we not go over this?”

“Did we not go over how cute you are when you’re upset?”

“Oh, that is so much worse coming from you, especially in this context.”

“What would my dearest lover retort in such a time as this? Deal with it?”

“... Is Luna going to be joining us?”

“No she is not. Luna,” She turned us to face her sister, “is going to keep things under control while we have our fun. Consider it payment for the show.”

Luna nodded and rose from her conjured seat, stretching. “T’is a fine compromise. Have at thee, you two.”

Celestia’s smile returned and she carried me through a secret tunnel that I probably shouldn’t write down. In any case, it was a comfortable ride and it passed all too quickly for my tastes, mostly due to the fact that my thoughts were racing. I’d thought that I could get away with logic and reason since Celestia was one of the most down-to-earth women I knew, but apparently she was out to be a bitch. She was nice, warm and soft, so I was kind of enjoying my time in her embrace, despite the emasculating nature of being carried. I found that I didn’t give a single fuck about the consequences since she was still her at the end of the day. Celestia could do nearly anything she wanted with me barring the obvious.

Once we were in her personal chambers, Celestia set me down on her bed and let the guards outside her door know that she did not want to be bothered, save for an event that needed her attention such as the city burning down or the moon falling to Equus. After she was certain that we wouldn’t be interrupted, Celestia returned to her bed and approached me in a way that made me get my hopes up. I leaned forward and watched Celestia draw closer, my heart picking up its pace. She finally came to me and set her hands on either side of me before she leaned forward and met my lips with her own. We took our time with our kiss because, well, we had the whole day to do whatever needed to be done.

Celestia pulled back before I could get my fill of her luscious lips and gave me the same devious look she’d had since we were in Day Court. “You know, I don’t even care about the rumours that are going to circulate because of this. I just can’t wait until we get to the main event!” She said giddily.

“With all this build up, I’m wondering just what you have in mind.” I said with a frown.

“Oh, you’ll love it! It’ll be a new experience for both of us! Well, more for you than for me, but you’ll like it once you give it a chance.”

“... I’m not doing anal.”

“Stop being silly. I never said that we were going to.” Celestia leaned in for another kiss that I was all too foolishly happy to give her.

After starting innocently enough we began to explore the familiar territory of each other’s bodies as we had done in the past, but this time I felt a strange sense of elation from the prospect of trying something that was new to a three thousand-year-old Princess. There wasn’t much to be said about what was going through my head outside of lustful things that interested me greatly, but I should have known that she had something more in mind than a simple kink. As I cupped my hand around one of Celestia’s bountiful breasts, she pulled away from me once more and gave me a naughty smile tinged with a certain sense of confidence.

“Are you ready for your ‘punishment’?” Sunbutt asked with a husky voice.

“Are we calling it punishment or is it an actual punishment?”

“It’ll be what you want it to be~”

“Celestia, I don’t like agreeing to things without knowing.”

“It’ll be a week before the fun fully wears off, but I doubt you’ll have a bad time~” She stroked my chin and gazed into my eyes, making sure I knew where I stood. It was happening and I was going to like it. “C’mon, Max, don’t be a stick in the mud~”

“... I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, Hun. Lay it on me knowing I look forward to not being punished.”

Her smile only widened, and as her horn began to glow brightly, the anticipation worked its way into my chest and my heart beat a little faster. When Celestia’s horn became too bright, I had to close my eyes and look away, but as I did so, I noticed certain changes in the way I felt. My chest felt somehow heavier, and the raging erection I’d had felt as though it were disappearing from the tip. The T-shirt I was wearing had suddenly become uncomfortably tight, and my pants were far too loose. I sat still and opened my eyes to find Celestia staring at me with an appraising look.

“... Okay,” she said elegantly.

“What? Is there something on my face?” I asked, my voice higher than it had been. I reached up to feel my jaw and noticed that my hands were actually a little cold, something I hadn’t done since I had grown my beard. “You- Celestia.”

“No, there’s nothing on your face, dear, you just...” She spread her hands and I looked down.

I had me some boobs.

“... You... turned me into a woman?” I gave her a flat stare.

“Surprise!” She exclaimed happily.

“Surprise is right.” I stood up and my trousers immediately fell off, leaving me in my boxers with a shirt that would be much better off. “Do you have a mirror in here?”

Celestia shook her head to clear it and joined me. “Right this way, my gorgeous little creature~”

I stepped out of my fallen trousers and took the time to run my hands over my new assets. The breasts that I now possessed were nice and perky, a little more than a handful. I couldn’t accurately gauge my cup size since my hands were smaller than they had been. It was nice to know that if I ever needed to change my identity that I could do it in the shape of something with a nice rack, though my ass seemed to be lacking. My hands wandered back to my rear and I didn’t notice much of a change, though, from Celestia’s lustful gaze I hoped that I had a bit of arse to back up what I had up front. Celestia brought me over to the mirror and stood aside as I gazed upon myself. I let my eyes meander over my features, thinking that female me was actually kinda meh. I mean, I had a nice body, but my face could use some work. The woman in the mirror stood and watched her face shift through different emotions, though I found that they were severely muted from what I expected them to be. I shrugged it off and looked to Celestia who had been eying my bottom with some fervour.

There wasn’t a doubt in my mind now that Celestia was more in love with my sex drive and prowess, whatever it may have been, more so than my personality. My heart hurt as I saw Lupa’s truth for myself and understood it better than ever, but my heart still wanted me to love her, and I was willing to play her game if it meant she could see the things about me that were truly worthy of love. I know it’s pathetic, but… A lot of the Ponies have done more for me than anyone else in my life. And Celestia gave me my own house. Yeah, I paid for it with blood and then some, but she didn't have to set me free. Didn’t have to give me a chance. I wondered for a second if Celestia really did love me and she just couldn’t show it beyond the mask she was trained to wear, but that too just hurts to think about. Between the fact that I used sex as a tool and Celestia’s warped nature, I didn’t wonder anymore if our relationship was any kind of healthy.

“Take a picture, hun, it’ll last longer,” I said sarcastically, my depression probably masking my bitterness.

Celestia just smiled and continued looking at my arse. “If you could get your hands on a camera in the next five minutes, I would be ecstatic.”

“You’ll have to deal with mental pictures for the time being, Lover-Girl. Speaking of the time being, what was your plan after pranking me?”

“Hm? You don’t want to have a little fun?”

“I would rather have that fun as a man.”

“Just give it a try!”

“Fine, but you’ll change me back before this shite starts to stick, right?”

“It’ll wear off on its own, so don’t worry about it, Max. Haven’t you ever wondered what it was like on the other side?”

I gave her a dirty look. “I’d rather consent to having my very being changed, Celestia.”

I rubbed my eyes and felt hands on my shoulders in seconds, annoyed when Sunbutt said, “Why not just enjoy yourself? Live a little?”

I opened my eyes and found that I was facing away from her bed and Celestia was sitting behind me. She’d had me in her lap earlier, so I put myself there again and got a cheerful sound for my efforts. “Don’t do anything weird, okay?”

She wrapped her arms around me and started kissing my neck, which was exactly where I thought the whole day had been going. I wasn’t fond of being toyed with and used as an object, but then again it had been awhile since I’d got a chance to make love to Celestia and it was a good time to make up for sleeping with someone else while away from my lovers. That being said, I wasn’t going to mention it to anyone other than Celestia, but that’s neither here nor there. As Celestia’s hands started to massage my breasts, I found myself submitting to her will for the simple fact that I didn’t know what her reaction would be if I put my foot down. Yes, it felt good, but I felt… I felt like I was letting myself be used all over again. It didn’t help the state of my mind much.

Celestia was in the process of leaving a hickey on my neck when the first begrudging moan escaped my lips. She took that as a sign to tease my breasts, but she started a little too soft and went a little too hard too fast. The Goldilocks pressure was applied and I could feel an odd tingling in my chest that I wasn’t familiar with, a warmth that pulsed and ebbed in my bosom while Celestia read my reactions like an open book. She would pinch gently and my heart would leap in my chest, the sensation of giving in to my lover’s advances not as unwelcome as I’d thought. She continued to tease me as she pleased and I chased her hands once I started feeling too uncomfortable.

“Celestia…” My voice was shaky and so was I. “... This doesn’t feel right.”

“Then why don’t you let me make it feel a little better for you? We’ll slow it down, Dearest.” She turned my head and kissed my cheek.

We took some time to do a few exercises that Celestia said would help me acclimate to the new body, but I honestly think that she just wanted to get her hands all over me in different ways. Her methods really did make me feel comfortable enough to continue, but I pulled away from Celestia and came back for a kiss that she happily returned. The look in her eye when she smiled and saw that I seemed to be smiling back made me wonder if she really cared because Applejack would’ve seen the lie.

“I see someone’s loosening up a little~”

I chuckled back. “It’s not as bad as it was, but I still don’t like being a woman, Celestia.” I watched as her hand stroked my thigh. “It’s better than I think being a Pony would be, but my cock is my companion and we keep each other warm at night.”

She let a finger drift between my legs and my breathing hitched. “Are you sure you don’t want to try living some of the more interesting parts of a woman’s life? Maybe experience some… Intimacy?”

Her hand pressed against my folds and it was hard to deny the temptation wrought from the pleasure that I was already feeling. “... You’ll stop if I say so…?”

“This from the stallion that bedded the wife of a stallion he killed?”

“Okay, we can pick this up-”

“I’m kidding.” She snuggled me and giggled. “Of course I’ll stop, Dearest. Say the word and I’ll just give you a good hug~”

I took a deep breath and her finger flicked against what I assumed was my clit. “Fuck- Oh, I’m gonna regret this…”

Shit happened. It could have been worse, but it would have been a lot better if I’d wanted it in the first place. Still, I put on a happy face for Celestia and cumming as a woman had been pretty damn fun and all, but it wasn’t an experience I’d wanted thrust into my face. And then I also have to take into account the fact that I nearly threw up the second time Celestia tried to get more than the first knuckle inside of me and she wasn’t terribly understanding about my reservations for some reason. I didn’t put it past her to be in estrus and not think clearly enough to stop, but the fifth time was far enough and she abused my clit accordingly. It was a lot more fun to mess with her and make her scream, but even then some of the joy I usually found in getting my partner off was lost with Celestia and I found myself thinking of home.

It was about that time that I realized that I didn’t truly love Celestia because we just didn’t work together. On the same vein, I knew that I wanted to love her because I felt like I’d never have anything better, even though I already had something that was better in its own way. I really wanted to go have a drink with Applejack and Fluttershy while little Miss Collywobbles snuggles up to me and AJ tells stories and tall tales that she couldn’t sell worth a can of curry powder. I wanted to have Applejack apologize for having to head home, but get a kiss before she left and lay down with Fluttershy only to rise in the morning, help her with her animals, and go read with Twilight for hours and hours. Pinkie would stop by with something tasty and harass us until we laughed with her and Spike would be all too happy to hear some of my tamer jokes. When I went home, I’d make dinner for myself and Lupa and settle in for a night of writing and relaxation.

And yet in my dream of a peaceful life I saw no room for Celestia and her own doings… It was hard to see in the wake of our time together, but it was just solidified in my mind when Celestia said, “Mm, it’s been fun toying with you like this. You’re a lot more vocal as a woman.”

Yeah, I’m your toy. “And you’re being a lot more…”

“I don’t want you wandering to greener pastures. Gryphons are legendarily tight, after all.”

“... Then you should have wowed my willy if you were that worried about it. This was fun and all, but I’m a guy, Hun.”

“Speaking of fun, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this short momentarily. There are a few things I need to take care of.”

I sighed. “Shame, we were having such a merry time. So do I need to do a dance or something to turn back into a guy or are you just going to magic it?”

“Who said I was turning you back?” Celestia said with a sly grin. “I said this was a punishment, didn’t I?”

My blood ran cold. “Wait, Hun, no-”

“Ah ah ah! No arguing. You disobeyed me, and there must be consequences.”

I felt my hands ball up and indignation took hold in my heart. “I was under orders from your sister!”

“It’s a shame you found her orders to be more pertinent than mine.”

“I was the only guy who could do the mission! Celestia, this isn’t fair!” Heat rose in my throat as I bit back pure hatred.

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Life seldom is, dear. I know you’ll make the most of your time, so enjoy yourself!”

I went for her arm and Celestia deflected my hand casually. “Celestia, Goddammit, I’m not-”

“Ta ta!”

And just like that I was sitting on my bed, stark naked in the early part of the evening with lips between my legs, hair that reached down to the middle of my back, breasts that ached, and a burning desire to break up with the woman I knew couldn’t have possibly loved me in any manner of the word at that point. To alter my fucking gender and then just tell me to deal with it? Oh yeah, I cussed her the fuck out in a letter and told her to either change me back or prepare for a reckoning unlike any she’d seen in the modern era. Her response was dismissive as she reiterated the point to have fun, but I was fuming.

For the sake of not being naked, I put on one of my robes and got showered. The woman in the mirror… She didn’t remind me of me. I looked at her and she looked at me. Her eyes were too light and unhaunted to be my eyes. The gentle curve of her jaw wasn’t mine, even as my hand and hers mimicked each other in the mirror. I couldn’t say that I was ugly, but I sure as fuck didn’t find myself all that hot. However, I did have an appreciation for the gentle curves I possessed, even if I was surprised that they’d transferred from my wiry frame.

Once I had my shower done and my hair brushed, I got some weed, some of my good bourbon, and smoked down while remembering that I didn’t have a mild cigar to go with it. I really did appreciate a good Per Domo Champagne whenever I happened across one, but tobacco wasn’t really my thing and I only ever smoked them whenever I had a really good bourbon for it. That being said, I just wanted to drown in vices for a little while because I was uncomfortable and there was nothing I could do to come to grips with my lack of penis. It was hard to even calm my breathing down after I coughed up a lung, but after that I wrote Celestia back and asked her to change me back one last time before I considered it an act of spite. She just assured me that I was just being melodramatic and would find myself having fun soon enough, and that if I contacted her while being so disrespectful again, that she would take her leave and make the change permanent.

On one hand my abandonment issues kicked me in the nu- ovaries, but on the other hand the fear of staying a woman gripped me by the sha- clit and pulled harder than anyone would ever find necessary. My bourbon steadied my nerves and my weed cleared my mind, but I was still very tempted to see if I could go and convince the gal in the mirror to go out and buy some cough syrup in a bathrobe so I could forget that I’d ever even woken up in that fucking forest. There was enough on my plate without Celestia giving me reasons to want to break up with her, but that was just the thing because I knew that I couldn’t. For one, I’d miss her immediately and things would never be the same between us. I would always want Celestia’s love or at least her friendship since I was just a fucking loser like that. I casually puffed my way through another bowl and struggled to put my thoughts together, eventually passing out to the slew of intoxicants I’d thrown into my system.

Well, I say I passed out, but I actually blacked out and woke up drunk in someone’s lap. I gently moaned through my nose and they didn’t say anything, just running a hand through my hand and humming softly in reply. I was still high too, so it was actually a bit of a pain to sit up and blearily meet the gaze of none other than Applejack Apple. “... Oi, there… Cutie?”

She grinned and chuckled. “Did ya read the letter Max left you?”

The bourbon in my blood let me remember that I’d had some half baked plan that I’d written like, two notes for. I remembered none of what the notes consisted of besides ‘my booze is your booze’. I’d thought it was a nice gesture to me from me and made sure to thank myself mentally. “Uh… Drink his liquor?”

“Well, he said ya could, but ya look like ya’d rather have a shower and bite of that mutt, if you know what I mean.”

I blinked and sniffed, my gaze wandering. “Max…”

“Ah, the note he sent me said he was goin’ on some other mission. Figured he’d trust me to get it around to the girls to figure out just where y’all were comin’ from.”

Somewhere between fucked up and tired, I went with. “Forest… It’s hot.”

“The forest is hot or in here is hot?”

I sniffled again and rubbed my tits, realizing that I had tits. “What the…”

“Yeah, I’m willin’ to bet you’re awful fuzzy right now. I’m sure Max didn’t take advantage of ya or nothin’.”

I shook my head. “Not a guy… Not him… Someone white…” I pinched the bridge of my nose.

Applejack’s heart pounded in her chest as her breath came to her in frequent spurts. “... What?”

I looked around and saw half a bottle of my perfectly aged, two-hundred-year oak barrel bourbon and nabbed a nip. “Mm, liquor. No, Max didn’t touch me. Not that I remember.”

“But someone white did?”

“Yeah, pretty too. Wasn’t too fond of it, but she stopped before it got to be too much…” I shook my head again. “... Feelin’ kinda rough, honestly.”

My best friend put her hand on my shoulder as my shaky plan started with a half-truth and deception, and even if I didn’t want it to start like it was the shite was still rolling finely and I was being pretty honest with my feelings, which Applejack knew. “... I’m awful sorry, Sugarcube, ain’t nopony got no right to put their hands on you like that. Especially if that’s why your clothes are gone.”

I closed the robe a little more and nodded a couple times, letting my hand fall over Applejack’s. “Probably some of your Pony magic stuff… Kinda odd to think that crap’s actually real…” I took a deep breath and put on a longsuffering smile. “Life’s a roller coaster, innit? Looks like we’ve flown off the rails with this one.”

“Roxanne, right?”

I extended a hand, the name ringing a bell. “Call me Roxy.”

She shook it. “Roxy. Applejack Apple, Max’s so-called ‘best friend’. Gotta say, ya shake like a stallion.”

“Dad taught me how to shake like you mean it. I never saw the point in doodling your noodles in someone else’s hands.”

She cracked up at that. “I can already tell I’m gonna like you, Roxy. Now, do ya know when ya got here?”

“... Uh…” I stared at her blankly because I never actually kept track of the days.”

“It’s Duoday.”

“Right.”

“Don’t have a clue what that means, do ya?”

“Nope.”

“Kinda explains why I had time to pick up clothes for ya. Max was right; keepin’ Twilight in mind was pretty spot on.”

I nodded. “Twilight.”

“Throwin’ a lot atcha at once, right?”

“Kinda. It’s okay, though.”

AJ rubbed my arm again. “How can you handle your sauce?”

“It’s actually kind of interesting how you pulled off subtle and straightforward.” I raised a brow and smirked at her. “You’re cute and all-”

“Whoa, Don’t get me wrong, I like that gentle rejection for the simple fact that I think we’re on the same page, we’re just reading different stuff in the story. I’m askin’ if ya like alcohol.”

I stared at her and resisted the urge to rub my aching rack. “Uh… Well, yeah, actually I get a pretty good feeling from you. Max didn’t seem to like the white one much, but if you’re his best friend…”

“So ya trust Max’s word?”

“If he wanted to fuck me over the lad had plenty of time while I was nice and knackered without my knickers. Plus he was the one who what put a stop to whitey’s nonsense, so a good sort he’d seem, yeah?”

“... What?”

“Max good. Me trust good Max.”

“Fair enough, but I’m just now realizin’ that I might not a’ got clothes you’d actually wanna be seen in.”

I made it obvious that I was looking at her. “Linen plaid?”

“Well, I don’t go off and assume anypony dresses like me-”

“Oh shit on biscuit.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Please tell me there’s trousers!”

“Ya mean like slacks?”

“Um.. Pants? But not undies. Like jeans or something.”

“Oh, yeah, I gotcha some leggin’s. Jeans are hard to pick when ya don’t know somepony’s measurements, y’know?”

“Leggings are… Tight, aren’t they?”

“Gotcha a nice denim smock~ Perfect for a mare with an artsy side and modesty!”

“I’ll say. Not that I mind showing off, I’d just rather know who’s looking first, you know?”

“Oh, I hear ya there. We might be friends, but Max is honestly the only guy I’ve ever felt comfortable showing off to. Dollin’ up ain’t his thing, but a little extra fur in the right places keeps his attention.”

“So you fuck him.”

“I mean- Well, yeah, but… It’s not really based on that, y’know?”

“I would love to dig into that though.” I tapped my lips playfully.

“Mhm, I betcha would. How would ya feel-”

“Shower! Yaaas Queen!” Holy fuck, that was gay. Max, you are now a maxipad.

Applejack giggled and stood, so I got up with her. “The stuff you’re gonna need is already in there. Max had unscented stuff in the shower which kinda works for that candy-cherry thing ya goin’ for ya.”

“Uh… I definitely have no clue-”

“Humans smell good to Ponies and Ponies smell good to Humans. Might be why you’re smellin’ apples.”

“That’s both ironic and makes me wonder if we taste like how we smell, not that I’m really invested in figuring it out-”

“We do.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s… Cool?”

“Go shower and I’ll start tellin’ ya some stuff about your home away from home.” She gave me a warm smile, but I kind of felt my heart drop through my feet.

This is the closest thing to a home I’ve ever really had. S’why I’m looking into it. “... Right.”

“Wh- Oh, I am so sorry! I-I didn’t even think about how you-”

“Oi, it’s… It’s okay. There’s not much for me anywhere else I go, so I might as well start somewhere with cute gals and fun smells, right?”

“So you are gay?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry-”

“No, I’m flattered and Ponyville ain’t really the place to be straight noways if ya catch my drift.”

I patted her arm and chuckled. “Well, you’re off the radar until further notice, so don’t feel like I’m ogling you. Unless you’re giving the guy behind me a saucy look and I don’t turn to see who it’s actually for.”

“You’re a friggin’ nut, you know that?”

“And this nut’s about to go take a shell of a shower.”

Applejack got my clothes and we went through them briefly, finding the outfit I’d actually wanted in the first place. There was also a skirt I wouldn’t have shot myself for wearing, but the knickers, though plain, were still a knock to my ego. The shower was all well and good and the purple knickers fit perfectly, but the leggings made me stare at myself in the longer mirror on the back of the door connecting to the master bedroom. It was one thing to find the slopes and curves I saw on myself attractive on other women, but I rather liked them on myself when I saw how my calves were pronounced with the tightness of the garment. My rational side attributed it to a sense of disassociation because when I felt my arse or chest, it was like touching someone else while being able to feel it. I needed time to clear my head, but there was more to do and a Princess that I was going to hurt on some level so I stowed my emotions and got ready to tackle the toughest part of Operation: Monkeys Three, the reference being to the Three Wise Monkeys.

From what I could remember of the night, I’d come to the conclusion that I needed to see where I stood with everyone else since I knew where I was at with Celestia. As I finished with the smock and started brushing the tangles out of my hair, I remembered more of the groundwork I’d laid while cashed out and correspondingly conniving. I’d sent Applejack a letter and had let Twilight and Fluttershy know that I’d be out of town for a couple of days, but I hadn’t said shit about when I’d come back or where I’d gone, as per the usual. Mostly because I didn’t know, but I also just blamed it on ‘crap Celestia’s making me do’, so I would probably get a pass.

I came out of the bathroom while still brushing my hair and Applejack was casually sampling the bourbon I’d left out. I couldn’t tell her to knock it off and I normally wouldn’t have, but it was one of my three good bottles and I wanted to save them for their usual moments. I decided to be friendly about it since Applejack was more than a friend anyway. “Smooth, right? Not too sweet, slight burn but still goes down like water. I like the proof on it. Doesn’t hide the caramel in it.”

Applejack smirked at me. “Gal knows her liquor. Say, it’s a little early in the day to start cappin’ it off, but I got some friends that could be persuaded to lend a hand if ya ever need one. Ya wanna make a couple pals better than just about any others?”

I gave her an easy smile. “... You’ve got honest eyes, AJ. I trust you. If you say they’re the better than the rest, then to victory!”

She burst out into snorts and chortles. “Ya goof!”

“Mhm, c’mon my darlin’ Clementine, we got horse-people to lead to water or something.”

She giggled some more. “Oh, stars above! I dare ya ta tell the first mare we go and see that she’s got a whorse-y kinda smell to her!”

I put the brush down in a random spot that I’d remember and raised a brow. “That sounds kinda offensive, to be honest with you. Don’t get me wrong, on Earth horses smell pretty good-” Applejack started snickering. “Okay, are you just giggly or am I being oblivious?”

“Whorse- Whorse- Whorse means slut!”

“Oh- Oh come the fuck on.” … Why the fuck are you laughing now, but not back then? “What’s funny about that?”

“You like the smell of a long night, dontcha?”

“Bugger off, ya sooka.” I rolled my eyes. “What are these friends of yours like anyway? And Max. What’s that guy like?”

“Depends on what ya wanna know and where ya wanna go. We can get tea, coffee, a light meal, your measurements, or get started on gettin’ drunk.”

“Does tea come with snacks, or is this some kind of trick?”

“Tea usually comes with snacks and a mare that might be a little more inclined to kiss ya than I might be. She likes a pony with a dry sense a’ humour and a soft side, and she’s cute~” Applejack did the eyebrow thing at me.

“Trying to hook me up with your gay friend already? For shame, lover. At least let me be conscious for a full twenty-four hours.”

She blushed and laughed it off. “Fair’s fair. So tea first?”

“Yes, please!”

Applejack led the way out the door and I followed, carrying my own bags of crap because I’m a big b- girl. I was… An adult, and could move my ow shite unlike Rarity, which I kind of hoped scored me some point with Applejack. So far so good and all, but I couldn’t help the feeling that my snooping was going to tell me a lot more than I wanted to know. As I chatted with Applejack, she started telling me her opinion of our friends and I had to ask her if she was being completely straight with me or if she was sugarcoating things. Applejack being the loyal friend that she is admitted that she didn’t have a normal friend and couldn’t remember ever truly having someone who didn’t at least chew hoof-clippings.

While I giggled about chewing on shards of a fuckin’ hoof as a more direct way of eating glue, Applejack asked, “So what do ya remember of Max?”

“Ah, him now or him from Swindon?” I asked casually.

Her jaw dropped and she looked incredibly excited. “You knew him on Earth! What was he like!? Like, was he all pimply? Was he chunkier? Oh, did Max have a special somepony~?”

I giggled at her because she sounded like the president of my nonexistent fan club. “So you’re a little interested in Kaid? Or Max, I guess.”

She blushed, but didn’t stop smiling. “W-Well, I gotta admit that it’s complicated between me and Max, but this is mostly just me wonderin’ what other ponies thought of him before he came to Equestria.”

I shrugged. “Then I guess you should know that the guy you know as Max used to be Klepto Kaid. Main reason he wouldn’t fuck you over is if you showed him an ounce of decency. I’d like to say I knew him pretty well, but in Swindon, Kaid was a different guy depending on who he was talking to. I always had the feeling he tried to be as honest with me as he could be, but the niggling feeling that he didn’t know he was lying usually followed a promise. I guess I have a lot to say about him, but Max is better than Kaid in a lot of ways in my opinion.” I shook my head. “... From what I remember, Max made a point of telling me that people like us don’t get second chances like this… I guess I’m proud of him for stepping up to seize it. Was always hard to get a read on what Kaid was doing with his life, but… He has his own house now and owns it. Has a cute little country friend he can snog and apparently girlfriends that let it happen. Mentioned he wasn’t happy with how he got to this point, but I kind of have a hard time seeing it as a bad place to be. Kaid slept wherever I had space for him if he had some stupid way of paying me back.” I shook my head again, smiling as I looked at myself from a different perspective to sell the act.

I hadn’t technically lied so much as reworded the truth throughout the entire little speech, but even then just taking the time to examine ‘Kaid’ and ‘Roxy’s interactions with him, I kind of found the charade to be more plausible than I’d thought it’d be. My analysis of my own character from someone else’s perspective kind of let me see that I might not actually be quite as shite as I thought I was. That didn’t mean that I was suddenly going to start considering myself God’s gift to sentient life all of a sudden, but it did mean that I felt like less of a piece of shit than I normally did.

Applejack seemed to accept my words, even if she didn’t seem too affected by them. “So what did Max steal from you?”

“Hm? Nothing. I kept my head down well enough to not have Kaid’s friends as enemies, at least not to the point where most of them would put some kind of call out for me. Yeah, Kaid was a thief but he usually only took jobs on other people in that line of work.”

“So he was a pretty good guy back then too?”

I’d already come to the conclusion, but hearing her say it made me want to shoot her down. However, I couldn’t with the image I’d painted thus far. “... I guess he’s always been a decent sort with some bad habits.”

“Sugarcube, I have a funny feelin’ that Max don’t like talkin’ to you all that much.”

I shrugged. “We used to dip into the deeper stuff from time to time, but it was mostly drinking and smoking.”

“So you’re saying you ain’t the type to tell that guy he ain’t half as bad as he thinks he is?”

“I… Don’t really wanna hurt your image of Max, but just because the guy’s decent doesn’t mean he’s actually good.”

All amusement faded quickly from Applejack’s face and her jaw set in a familiar way; I’d last seen it when she interpreted a compliment for Spike as a slight against Apple Bloom. “What do ya mean?”

“I mean… Just because you don’t know his past as well as I do doesn’t mean you’re not right at some level, AJ, but Max is never gonna be Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. I don’t dislike the guy-”

“You know what’s kinda funny to me, Roxy?”

“... I’m sorry, I said too-”

“I find it funny that you evidently did something for Max that was enough to earn that first teaspoon of loyalty, let him sleep in your house, and I’m willin’ to bet a few other favours made their way between y’all, but ya sound like you’re just tellin’ me half a’ what you think. You don’t like Max.”

I shrugged. “No, I really don’t like Max but I respect him enough to try and make his life easier when he needs a hand. He’s never purposefully fucked me over and from what I remember of the last time we talked, he’s done a lot of growing as a person. Like I implied, I guess; Kaid Gadai wasn’t a guy you wanted to pass on the street without knowing exactly where he was and how close his hands were to your pockets. He’d also break his neck to settle a debt, so…”

“So what makes ya not like the guy who’s lettin’ ya have free run of his house, booze, and bits?”

“Bit- Oh, money?”

“It was in the letter.”

“Yeah, yeah… I dunno, to be honest with you. Max mentioned he got a jumpstart when he landed here, so I’m guessing he doesn’t mind doing the ‘another’ part of the ‘good deed’ thing.”

“I’ll tell ya what, Max ain’t the kinda guy who’s gonna ask for a damn thing back either. He’s the kind of stallion that’ll break his back and dive out of his comfort zone to do somethin’ for a pony who can’t do for themselves.” She snorted. “... Bastard up and paid for full renovations on my house and properties ‘cause he thought he owed me somethin’, no matter what he said to my face. Just brought it up out of the blue with that stupid look he always has-”

You fuckin’- Be cool, be cool, Max. “Oh my gosh, which one? His ‘I’m thinking too hard’ face or the stupid grin he wears to pick up tarts?”

“Oh, Sugarcube, neither. I mean the look he gets when he decides that he’s gonna be nice!”

“... As a friend or as a tart he’s trying to sex up?” I chuckled. I don’t want to be nice! I want to be eeevil!

Her grin dropped like a rock and I stopped smiling too. “I beg your pardon?”

“Like… The difference between him helping you out with groceries and him taking your coat, I guess.”

“Ah. No, the look he gets when he’s tryin’ to get into your pants is different. That particular look’ll make your heart skip a beat!”

“Mm, I should feel flattered that he said my arse was nicer than he remembered, but at the same time he was being an arse for the sake of getting a rise out of me.” I shrugged.

“So has Max ever…?”

“Hm? Fixed up my house? Kinda. Paid for some extra amenities that made life a little nicer since he sniffed my fuckin’ snow.” I sniffled, the gesture of thumbing my nose coming along with memories I didn’t need to revel in. “God, I miss coke.”

“What’s coke?”

“Coca leaves, but made into a potent drug that can fuck your life up. It’s called-”

“Cocaine?”

My mouth suddenly dried before flooding and I didn’t know what to think of that. “... I’m sorry, but I didn’t uh… Well, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking regarding that-”

“Ah, it’s all fine. Don’t know why you’d sniff it, but it does taste good. Little expensive to use as anything other than a little uh… Um… Garment?”

… What. “... You Ponies garnish your food with cocaine.”

“Yeah, and you Humans eat salt.”

I didn’t have to pretend to be speechless. “... Okay. Yeah, okay. You eat cocaine and I eat salt. That’s normal.”

“So I’m guessin’ cocaine does somethin’ funky to ya?”

“Ah… It’ll put a pep in your step and a smile on your face, but I don’t really want to talk about it anymore than we have.”

“Problem?”

“Ah, yeah. Kaid railing all my coke kind of made me realize I needed to stop myself. When his big bruv locked him up to dry him out, it made me open my eyes, y’know?”

“Then maybe Max can open up your eyes to the new him, or at least the guy I know.”

I slid her a sly grin. “Sounds like you want me to like him pret-ty bad, Applejack.”

She shot me a dirty look. “Well, it’s just that Max is a likeable guy, and he’d do anything for a friend. I mean, yeah, he’s got his pitfalls and shortcomin’s and whatever, but so does everypony! I think you’ll see more of the good side of him whenever he comes back from his business with the Princess.”

God, I’m still fucking in love with you. “So what? The guy fixes up your house and your guard his reputation as a result?”

“He sure as buck ain’t gonna do it. Max spends half his time bein’ an ass so ponies don’t bother him for nothin and the other half tryin’ to make up for all the bad stuff he feels inside.” Applejack shook her head. “You really can’t tell me that you know somepony harder on themselves than Max.”

“Eh, depends on the context but yeah, the guy hates himself-”

“And if he could get his head out of his ass he’d know he deserves every ounce a love I got for h-” She paused. “I-I mean me and our friends! Y-Y’know? As friends. Who are friendly. And shake hands-”

My heart pounded in my chest as a lump rose in my throat. Applejack was lying her arse off and if it wasn’t obvious from what she said and how she said it, then a single glance at her face would seal the deal. “... You’re actually in love with m-Max.” Me. You love me back. The only woman I for sure know I love loves me back… “So…”

Applejack bit her lip and glanced around with Fluttershy’s cabin just a handful of minutes away at that point. “Roxy, you can’t say a word.”

I waved it off and tried to sound natural with a chuckle, but it was a little strained to my ear. “Ha, yeah, like I’m gonna go around and spread someone’s else’s business around. I think you should tell him, but if you’re gonna be all shy about it then I guess I could just keep it between us~”

She gave me a little shove and a worried chuckle. “Y-Yeah, just between us-”

“So what made you fall for him!?” I shoved her right back and laughed from the chest, psyched to hear the good news, even if it wasn’t technically meant for my ears. “Lover, you have to take a swing!”

Melancholy crossed her face for a few seconds before she shook her head and smoothed her mane down. “I did. I took a real swing at Max and it didn’t work out for either of us.”

“Lover, I have punched Max. He usually deserves it on some level.”

“Did he get you back?”

“Eh, he wasn’t exactly Mr. Chivalry about it, but it’s not like he popped one at the money-maker or anything.”

“Oh, so he hit you back?”

“Pinched. Pinched me so fucking hard that bruise didn’t fade for weeks and it looked like I got bit by some kind of bug with fingernails for teeth! I literally bled!” Maxwell, ya fuckin’ asshole. At least it’s true since you’re Max too.

Applejack chuckled a little ruefully. “So you didn’t put him in the hospital or anything?”

“You put him in the hospital…?” I stared at her, trying to sell the act as Fluttershy’s cabin rapidly approached in our path.

My best friend took a deep breath. “... I’ll give ya the full story later, but Max came by my place to see if he could simmer an argument from earlier down a peg. Moment I laid eyes on him I started swingin’ and he didn’t… He didn’t fight back. I damn near killed Max, Roxy.”

“So why aren’t you dead?” I asked matter of factly.

Applejack barked out a laugh that hurt to hear. “Y’know? I think a part a’ why me and Max get along together so well is because we’re both stubborn. I was busy stompin’ my own tail in, wouldn’t eat or come out of my room…” I laid a hand on her shoulder and she gave me an odd look. “Max was a lot worse off than me, Sugarcube. I beat him up and myself. I earned that misery by not thinkin’, Roxy-”

“And you…? Sucked his dick and you two just realized that there was no need for punching?”

“Tch, no. Max got shuttled off to the capital to recover and I was here in Ponyville, killin’ myself with a kind of poison that just eats atcha. Eventually he came back…” She sighed.

“And?”

“... What do you see when you look in Max’s eyes?”

“Green.”

“What else?”

Shit… She’ll know if I lie. “... I dunno? Regret? Bitterness? I know I always see a joke on the tip of his tongue.”

“Max got a lot of regrets and he got plenty of reasons to be bitter, but you sure are right, Roxy. That stallion is always ready to push the clouds out of your skies however he needs to.” A pained smile crossed her lips and she stopped near the tree I’d once spoken to Lupa under. When I came to a halt next to her, I was hanging off of every word. “Max… Hay, I dunno why I’d be tellin’ ya all this. I don’t know too much about you…”

I gave her an easy smile. “Roxanne, no surname needed because I never really associated with the people who had it. Mum was a cunt, but she had her good moments. Dad was a better man than I’ve met for a while, even if he wasn’t the wisest. I was always closer to my Dad than my Mum, and I was never what you’d call a good kid. Ask from there and we’ll work on this whole ‘stranger danger’ thing until it’s stranger when you feel like you’re in danger around me.”

“Mind if I-”

“Oh God, please don’t start now. Max’s shoes suck.”

“Didn’t ya stuff a sock in the long bit?”

“Yes, and my feet are roasting!”

Applejack giggled at me theatrics and nudged my shoulder with a fist. “Y’know, you’re a lot like Max in some ways. Honest when ya ask up front, even if ya have to pry to get it all out of ya. You’re also real quick to turn a serious moment into a quick laugh. Maybe ya don’t like Max because y’all are too similar?”

“Oh, I could’ve told you that, but I don’t wanna acknowledge that I’m like that horndog.”

“Weren’t you flirtin’ with me earlier?”

“... I don’t recall at the moment what the question was, could you repeat it in iambic pentameter?”

“What?”

I pretended to think for a second. “Hold on… Okay, what country-”

Her jaw dropped as she burst into a raucous guffaw. “Oh, shut your buckin’ mouth! Buck you! Buck you so much!”

“What the... buck? You mean like a dollar or a kick or…?” Oh my fuck, I have amazing ideas. This is going to get gooder, I just know it.

“Like y’all Humans and your ‘fuck’.”

“What fuck?”

“The fuck.”

“What- What fuck? What fuck?”

“I feel like you’re messin’ with me.”

“That’s makes two of us, dearie. That being said, that is a lovely little cabin, innit?”

“You mean ‘what’s’ in it?”

“What?”

Applejack smiled devilishly. “What country are you from?”

“England, why?”

“... Oh.”

I tilted my head at head. “You’re an odd one, but I have to admit you’ve got a great energy to you. I love that spirit!” I am so full of shite right now I can feel corn in my throat.

“I’m the odd one here… Right.” She didn’t seem convinced.

I shrugged. “So is this the tea tree?”

“You’re a smartass.”

“... You’re an orange woman with equine ears, a tail, and hooves. Magic exists here and I’ve seen the food-thingy non-microwave-plate. Why would this tree not give me tea?”

Applejack stared at me. “... You’re… More serious than I think I was ever gonna be ready for.”

“Okay, we’re gonna go get tea if this tree doesn’t give-” I paused and narrowed my eyes at her. “... What kinda tree is this?”

“... Oak.”

“... Okay. You passed.” It was actually pretty difficult to dial down the stupid as I nodded and bit my lip. “... So what do oak trees do here?”

“Mare, you have lost your corn huskin’ mind, I tell ya what.”

“Max didn’t explain anything! This could be some kinda witch’s house for all I know-”

“Oh no, Twilight lives in a tree and if ya call her a witch to her face I’ll hitcha. Mare’s the second sweetest thing on two hooves, the only one that I know who really comes close to Flutters over there.” Applejack pointed toward the cabin and I spotted Fluttershy. “Witch ain’t really nothin’ to go spoutin’ off to a Unicorn anyway. It’s kinda like callin’ a Pegasus bird brain.”

“Does that make you a…” I furrowed my brow. “... Wa- Uh…” Applejack tried to quell a smile with limited success. “A uh… A… Do you have fire or something?” She started giggling at me. “Oi! Not only did I wake up drunk and high, but this girl hasn’t been here that long! I bet your special thing is bein’ a mump.”

“Wait, you mean like the face-swellin’ thing?” She put her hands on her hips.

“You’re a pain in the neck in any case.” I smirked at her.

“Now Sugarcube, you’re gonna go on and hurt me in my delicate little feelin’s, you know that?”

“The only thing delicate about you is probably your kisses, which you can promptly place upon my bum.” I turned to the side and gestured.

That actually seemed to get her goat a bit. “Hey, just because I’m tough-”

Ha! You were being honest! “Oh hell, I’m sorry, dearie. You look like you do tenderness well, just not ‘fragile lily’, that’s all I meant.”

“Well, what if I wanna be a lily?”

“... Then go for it?” I shrugged. “Kinda need more gals like us in the world, but if you wanna be a softie-squishy cupcake…”

She hit me a little harder than she usually did before the impromptu sex change and smiled. “Sure got a way with words, dontcha?”

“What can I say? If you’re gonna talk Max out of doing stupid shite then you kind of have to.”

The face she pulled kind of hurt my feelings. “Yeah, that guy… Stubborn, but if ya can reach him then he’s all ears. Why don’t we go and meet Fluttershy and we can get off of who ya do know and move onto who ya don't?”

“Shall we?”

As it turned out, Fluttershy was wobbling the colly as she meandered over to us, so Applejack and I just hurried up and met her. Flutterbuns really had been doing better with people as far as I could tell and wasn’t half as shy with Roxy as she was with the real me. I got to shake her hand with no problems, but it might have been the super hearing that let me zoom in on her muttered greeting. In any case, Applejack introduced me and I couldn’t stop myself from giving Fluttershy a sudden hug just to see what she would do. That, and I still didn’t have to deal with a bra so it was nice to feel my chest against hers. For all my reservations, being the fairer sex didn’t seem so bad at the moment.

We went into Fluttershy’s place for tea and she was quick to perk up when I mentioned that I had a good tongue for some of the more subtle notes of the floral stuff. Fluttershy then brought out a fermented blend that she’d been dying to try with someone for the tongue for it and I actually didn’t mind giving it a shot. Applejack was all kinds of good on the proposition, but I’d never had fermented tea and wanted to try it. As it turned out it was just kombutcha and it was decent. Spicy and fragrant, but also a touch malty which was nice.

While talking over tea, Fluttershy mentioned that since I was new, I wasn’t going to have much of anything in the way of clothes or a place to stay. The house was taken care of, but clothes actually were a concern and I was immediately scared for my life since that meant meeting Pinkie. Pinkie knew thing that people weren’t supposed to know and I was pretty sure I remembered seeing her before I passed out, but I could never be sure until I met her and I was very, very concerned about being revealed before the spell wore off.

We finished up with tea and I realized something; the chatter between the three of us flowed constantly and consistently once things got moving. I found it odd that Fluttershy had taken to me so quickly and even Applejack commented on it, but between the two of us it was almost as if Fluttershy had never been a bashful kind of gal in the first place. Quiet as always, but not as reserved. She was very forthcoming about the fashions she thought would suit my figure and I caught myself giggling my bloody head off at her, but she was laughing along with me because neither of us realized that we weren’t laughing at the same thing until I stopped for a sec. The rudeness of laughing off her genuine interest kind of hit me and I sobered considerably when I realized that she was going to pressure me into some of the ladywear that I did not care to try and bear. Life had gone sideways in a different way than usual, but Applejack came in for the save by saying that I was more of a practical kind of gal like herself. Proving her worth as my best friend, we managed to talk Fluttershy out of glamifying me or whatever the hell it was she wanted to do.

The next stop on our list was not Rarity, much to my surprise. I was concerned to hear that Fluttershy wanted to visit Pinkie for an introduction and doubly so when Applejack concurred, but there wasn’t actually that much I could do about it. We went to Sugarcube Corner while chatting the whole way, but before we really even got on that side of town I’d learned a lot. Namely that the girls seemed to treat me differently as Roxy since my vibe seemed less intimidating or something. I didn’t know what exactly it was, but even my reception in town seemed to be a little friendlier judging by how many times we got stopped to answer question about who I was. It was actually incredibly easy to be nice since no one seemed to be making a pass at me at any time and no one else really seemed to make any offhand comments. IT was like I was instantly just a face in the crowd that people were willing to welcome far more than the male they’d seen first, and that kind of hurt my feelings. Being a woman seemed to help me make more female friends, which made sense when I considered that I was now a more familiar face. Still, it kind of sucked that I couldn’t have surfaced in Equestria in a more balanced or male oriented town.

In any case, I actually did get hit on once, but it was so subtle that Applejack laughed when I mentioned that the mare had seemed disappointed when we’d parted. We were just walking into Sugarcube Corner when AJ said, “Roxy, you either have to be one of the most oblivious mares I ever met-”

“I knew what she meant, I just wasn’t sure! Plus I don’t really wanna go out looking right now, you know? At least like, wait a week!”

“Aw, I’m just funnin’ ya, Rocky-”

“Who you callin’ ‘Rocky’, Jackie Apple Seed?”

“You did not just go there.” She set her hands on her hips and gave me an incredulous look.

“So uh… How many times have you planted seeds in your own fields?”

Fluttershy burst into a coughing fit that sounded awfully familiar and Applejack walloped my shoulder a little. “You little minx! I don’t do that and you better get that smart mouth-”

“Pressed against yours~? How very… Forward, Applejack.” I gave her a lascivious smile.

Pinkie popped up next to Applejack and poked her in the side. “Stop hitting on mares, Applejack! This one might hit you back!”

Applejack gave her a little tap. “Hey Pinks, it’s a good time for you to drop by. Are you-”

“I was just about to go to Max’s house and ask why he was hiding a drunk mare!”

I stared at her. “Hi, and he wasn’t hiding me.”

Pinkie looked at me. “I like your eyes!”

“I like your height. Thank you for being shorter than me.”

Applejack patted my head and Pinkie’s simultaneously. “Shorties, the both of ya. Speakin’ of short-”

“I do need some stockings!” Pinkie clapped.

The girls looked surprised, but I didn’t know her well enough to be in on it until Fluttershy said, “Does that mean you’re going to wear more of the stuff Rarity made for you?”

Pinkie shrugged. “I might once I get more to show off, y’know? I’m cute, but once I get a couple extra assets~...”

The look she leveled at me made me uncomfortable in my everywhere, especially when I considered how thin most of what I was wearing happened to be. “Isn’t it a touch chilly out? It’s a good time to shop for sweaters while they’re still out of season.”

Fluttershy gasped. “I love sweater weather!”

Applejack chuckled. “You just like puttin’ your thumbs in the sleeves.”

Flutters blushed, but didn’t deny it. “The hooded ones are just so charming!”

“They would look pretty good on you, dearie.” I gave her a little smile.

While I was looking at Flutters, Pinkie came up behind me and gave my chest a grope. “Ooo, you’re really soft!”

It wasn’t pleasant and I was glad it didn’t feel good, so I pried Pinkie’s hands off and resisted the temptation to hit her. “I’d really rather you didn’t, Pinkie.”

“Okie doke!”

I nodded at her and thus we went shopping to fill out my wardrobe a little more. There were a few shops in town that I’d visited from time to time, but seeing the feminine selection made me scared in some places since Fluttershy and Pinkie were incredibly pushy about getting my to buy stuff that wasn’t in my wheelhouse. If I wore a dress, I was wearing fucking denim under it and there was no compromising further. Pinkie quickly learned that following me into the dress room would only work once. The main reason that it even worked was bra shopping, which is the bane of my fucking existence. I never knew just how complicated it could be for a woman to find a decent fitting fucking outfit if it wasn’t stretchy at some level. Apparently there were jeggings in Equestria that were the closest thing I was going to get to fit my physique. No, I was not fond of the fact that the pockets were fake and no, I did not like having my own clothes choke the fucking life out of me, but between pressure from even Applejack to just suck it up and get something that covered my bum, my wardrobe was made a little less modest than I was comfortable.

Apparently being a salty cunt doesn’t count for half as much when the people around you aren’t afraid of you for any reason. Fluttershy teased the fuck out of me while I was bemoaning the fucking lacy bra they made me put on instead of letting me be free. Apparently I was distracting, as Applejack put it, to more than just one of them and I knew she wasn’t interested. AJ wasn’t the type to care and the way she’d taken me aside had assure me, but I didn’t think it was much of a reason to make me be uncomfortable all day. Yet another peek into basic shit women have to deal with made me glad for my penis. Yes, other women were generally more receptive to my jokes and I got to crack a few new ones that were gender-specific, but it just wasn’t worth as much as the gender-bender trope thing made it seem at times.

After shopping and dropping everything off in my guest room because my own room was off limits, Pinkie suggested that we go get some booze and drink at Applejack’s for the night. Fluttershy didn’t like the idea and I wasn’t too fond of it myself, but for some reason I didn’t want to spend a night alone in a strange body, so I asked if there was any other way we could all fill the time together. Fluttershy asked if I would mind helping her make the perfect hot toddy and I was absolutely up to the challenge. Pinkie wanted in and so did Applejack, so we all agreed to meet up at Applejack’s after gathering some bits and ingredients for alcoholic experimentation rather than just drink straight cider.

I had a couple cocktails in mind that I thought everyone would either love or like enough to finish, so I ended up going out and getting some limes, a citron, a nice bottle of gin, and then turned aroud and thought harder. A smile came to my lips as I thought to grab a bottle of a bourbon that I had the clerk help me find. Unlike gin or vodka in general, bourbon’s flavour is particularly developed as with most brown liquors. However, the gin already had the juniper to flavour the otherwise plain spirit and juniper was known for a piney-citrus tone. Bourbon, however, was something with notes of sweetness that were along the lines of desserts or refined sugars, so I grabbed some demerara and a few other things that made my bags a little on the heavy side. Ironically enough, we were heading to Applejack’s anyway to make drinks.

Sometimes life just has a way of doing what it wants.

I ran into Pinkie on my way over and we chatted a bit since there was downtime and I asked, “So have I mentioned that I know Max?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she beamed. “Really!? What do you think of that asshat!?”

“That he is, in fact, an asshat.” I nodded along.

“Oh, I was joking but he kinda is. It’s usually justified though, especially when Ponies just don’t consider how a non-Pony feels. We’re a racist kinda bunch, y’know?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “What? You acknowledge it?”

“Well, yeah? I kinda have to. Max gets a raw deal a lot of the time if he’s not getting his way, and even if he does get his way it’s usually not something he actually wants.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… You know Max was a thief, so… What have you noticed about Equestria so far?”

“Everyone seems pretty nice.”

“To the point where Pony-on-Pony crime is almost non-existent. Non-Ponies don’t have that kid of luxury and crimes on them aren’t always reported since they’re not always taken as crimes. Max used to be a thief and kind of had to cuddle up to Celestia to stay alright in life as far as I know, and even then he still turns heads when he’s not looking. A lot of mares in town weren’t fond of having him around when he first came to Ponyville, and I was one of them. Log story short, I ruined the reputation he was trying to build and probably showed him first hand that you can’t just trust anyone here. I personally bucked Max over a couple times and he forgave me.”

“Hmph, Kaid wouldn’t have given two shits about what you thought of him-”

“And we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation, no.” I looked over at Pinkie and saw that her hair was considerably straighter than I’d seen it since she’d shown up on my doorstep and I’d made the coin flip. “Every last one of Max’s closest friends have bucked him over one way or another, Roxy. Applejack beat him up, Twilight nearly got him arrested, I dived into his privacy, Rainbow started a couple fights with him, Fluttershy eavesdropped and spilled at she heard, and Rarity regularly treats him like he’s supposed to be the superest stallion ever and doesn’t live up to it.” She rolled her eyes. “We all do something or other to Max and he puts up with it for some reason… Probably because of that inferiority complex.”

Ow. “I mean-”

“Or the abandonment complex.”

Oi! “Wow, that’s-”

“Or the hypersexuality. Whew, that guy is horny when he’s sad. It really does make me less of a mare that I knew that and tried to take advantage.”

I stared at her. “... Why is Max friends with all of you again?”

“Because we were nice to him and we’re usually nice, so he’s willing to put up with the crap because he’s a broken shell of a person who’s never had anyone stay around long enough in his life for him to be able to truly come to rely on them.” She looked me dead in the eye.

Pinkie watched me blink back the pain wrought from a truth harder than the fist Applejack had hit me with. “That’s… Kind of a moodkiller.”

“You say that like you didn’t know it.”

“Guess I never thought to go down that particular path.”

“What about yourself? What are some of your issues?”

“Sobriety. As in I’m sober and I don’t want to be.”

“I got cinna-whisky!”

“Burn baby burn.”

And so Pinkie and I sipped on her travel bottles of Flamebolt brand whisky and it was actually alright as far as I could tell. The cinnamon was overpowering and that just made the burn worse, but there wasn’t much to it and I could appreciate a pint of rotgut for what it was. IT reminded me a bit of Fireball from back on Earth, but unlike Fireball the shite was actually palatable and would make for a half decent mixer. We sipped on the way to Applejack’s and got there minutes after Fluttershy arrived with her own assortment of fancy things that she never got to bring out. Applejack herself was quick to take us to a room I’d yet to see in the farmhouse adjacent to the showers, and within the room was a poker table and a large cabinet that looked like it could hold a fair amount of shite. A counter lined one of the walls and Applejack proudly walked her way over to an innocuous bookshelf. It made me wonder what the hell was with secret bookshelves while I also had to pretend to be a little more amazed than I was.

Apparently locking the budget left some funds that needed to be spent according to Applejack, and she’d tried giving the money back to me. She had and I was pretty fucking amused that she’d had a secret bar built into her poker room. Everyone put their crap on the counter and we started mixing drinks left and right, all of us making two glasses of our preferred cocktail. With the lovely little ingredients I’d bought, I prepared to make something I’d only ever got the shite for twice and had loved as a rare treat each time.

I took my vanilla beans, sliced them, then rubbed them around the bottom curve of the glasses before leaving one in each. After dripping my demerara syrup onto a cube, I placed the heavy dose into the center of the glass and repeated the step for the second sample. For some odd reason, they liquor store had doubles of all sorts of sweet liqueurs, so I poured half of one bottle of chocolate stuff into each glass, then repeated the process for the marshmallow schnapps and gently stirred each glass counter clockwise while making kissy faces at the bar of chocolate I’d purchased for the garnish. Applejack was already done with her samples and asked what the hell I was doing, so I took the time to grab her barspoon and crack the large cube she’d provided for me. Everything was mixed in-glass for the layering, so I put each half into the glasses and used the ice as an interrupt to pour my bourbon in. Much to my surprise, the swirls of the demerara stayed at the bottom as I poured and the drink truly did look lovely. I borrowed the peeler from Fluttershy, and added a bumpy twist of citrine to both. The final touch was a few shavings of chocolate and thus the Gentleman’s S’more was brought into Equestria.

Pinkie wanted me to explain my drink last, so Fluttershy went first and she’d gone for something she’d made herself as well. It had a base with vermouth and immediately piqued my interest while Pinkie shuddered, though Fluttershy was quick to mentioned that she’d only rinsed the glass with absinthe and added a quarter ounce of the sage liqueur she was so fond of. To bring her drink from a traditionally herby spirit to something you could drink more often than not, she garnished with mint and a couple drops of mint oil to help with the bitterness. Pinkie was next to explain her drink and there just wasn’t much of a rhyme or reason to it.

The Pink Menace had concocted something that for one, glowed, and for two, seemed more poisonous than palatable. It had been crafted from many sweet things that she rattled off too fast for me to remember, but it was topped with whipped cream and sprinkles and that made me sure that I was going to need some water with it. Applejack was up next and she looked a little salty, having gone for a classic Old Equin that was basically an Old Fashioned. It started with a base of whisky, a splash of water, a cube of sugar with two drops of bitters, and a twist of lemon. When I went over the intricacies and embellished the steps of my craft, I let them know that flirting with the chocolate was key in bringing it out in the drink. Applejack rolled her eyes and declared that my drink was going to be first on the list and when the first sip passed her lips, it had an unexpected effect. Pinkie and Fluttershy shared the other glass and I waited for Applejack to pass ours while a smile slowly faded from cheery and playful to somber and rueful, like she was thinking of darker days.

“Something on your mind, dearie?”

She puffed a breath through her nose. “You sure got a way a’ makin’ me feel the stuff I bury, Roxy. Might be somethin’ ya say, might be a look ya give, but the drink takes the cake.”

“How so?”

“Appletian Trail Sips. Tastes just like it down to the flavour in the sugar…” She shook her head. “Mom only let me have a couple sips, but it was the second drink I ever had and it was the one I always thought of whenever I had a taste to remind myself of her.”

“So did you learn the first time, or do I get to write the recipe down for you?”

“Mama made it better. I know what’s in it now, ‘cept for that brown syrup stuff.”

“Demerara. Bartender’s best friend for brown liquor.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. You sure are a trip, Roxy.”

I shrugged. “They call it ‘loco’motion for a reason, right?”

The girls got a giggle out of that and I didn’t mention getting a sip of my creation to Applejack since it was a sentimental moment for her. It kind of sucked that I made it and didn’t get to try how it turned out, but I was still glad that it was being enjoyed by someone I cared for deeply since it was a personal favourite. That being said, Pinkie was up next and I only got one sip out of hers before I nearlty vomited. It wasn’t even a true liquid! I knew it was going to be syrupy and awful, but the shite was practically a gel! Pinkie was a little annoyed that none of us were brave enough for a second sip when both of my glasses had been used as palate cleansers.

With Pinkie both salty and flat, we tried Applejack’s drink next and I almost had to fight the orange mare for the last sip. The whisky she’d chosen was perfect for the simple sugar and splash of apple, which she’d neglected to mention. It all came together in a country, true American Old Fashioned that made me appreciate her mixing skills. Since Applejack let me get the rest of our glass, she got the rest of Pinkie and Fluttershy’s since they weren’t the brown liquor types. Fluttershy was last for the rotation and her beverage of choice was suitably herby and I was in love with it. She’d used a sweet vermouth over whole ice and the breathe of absinthe just added a slightly more pungent aroma to the beverage. All in all, Pinkie couldn’t mix a drink worth a damn and I ended up making variations of my Gentleman’s Smore’s for everyone with a little less in the proportions.

Granny stopped by to chide Applejack for bringing some of the girls over without letting her know so she could regale them with tales of old and I started hitting on her. Granny didn’t get the first few flirts, but Applejack was biting back giggles along with Pinkie while I got the old gal laughing and cutting up with us over a couple glasses. She eventually got the point when I kissed her cheek and the old mare hit me for propositioning someone older than my parents. I took the blow in stride and continued to mess with everyone throughout the night, but as Applejack and Granny took to bed, it was just me, Pinks, and Flutters for the rest of the night and we were all a little tipsy from having drank at our own paces.

Pinkie wanted to go to my house, Fluttershy wanted to go to Pinkies, and I wanted to go back to Fluttershy’s to pet animals and smoke her tea. When I mentioned that it would be a great way to cap off the night, they asked about why petting animals was good while intoxicated and I went on to explain. Fluttershy was sold and Pinkie knew she had more sweet liqueurs at her house, so we alighted to Miss Collywobbles’ cabin and I made us a bowl out of a cucumber that smelled like- Oh. That explains why Fluttershy was so hesitant to use it…

Anyway…

So I got my friends to smoke weed out of my girlfriend’s dildo and while blissfully unaware, I mentioned that the herb tasted particularly good and Pinkie said it tasted like it was wet. Again, I didn’t think anything of it and Pinkie licked her lips every time she hit the thing. It was a lesson in subtlety, I suppose. In any case, we all got a little more messed up, drank through the rest of my bourbon and Fluttershy’s vermouth, and then all passed out somewhere between Lupa and Bearett for the night after having petted them left and right for hours on end.

I woke up covered from chest to ankle in furry creatures and I’d definitely done worse things in life. The smile that split my lips was forestalled with the gentle whispers of Fluttershy and Lupa in the midst of feeding the rest of the animals. “... you seem to like them. First Max, now the female.”

Lupa had spoken and Fluttershy retorted with, “Roxy’s a little sweeter in general than Max is, but you can’t pretend like you don’t like both of them.”

“I would not pretend. Something tides ill with the female Human and her appearance is strange-”

“What!?” Fluttershy whispered fiercely. “Roxy is gorgeous! I-I’ve never seen a mare mix delicacy and toughness so well! She’s like the perfect partner for Max!”

“And yet the night told us that she held few well wishes for the man, despite having known him before he came to this land.”

“Well… Maybe she just likes Max as much as Max likes Max for the same reasons…”

“So she hates him.”

“That’s what I said, Lupa.”

That little slap came with little fanfare. I’d said multiple times that I wasn’t fond of who I was, that I didn’t like the man that I’d been or still was. To hear a wolf I would call sister and a woman I’d come to care for so deeply acknowledge that I hated myself… It wasn’t as bad as when Lupa followed up with, “Roxy drinks more than Max does. And smokes more of that smelly stuff.”

“M-Maybe she’s just a mare for a different kind of party… She was even more friendly once everyone was getting… intoxicated.”

“She nuzzled you for ten minutes.” I don’t remember that.

“And it felt really nice…”

“Why don’t you go kiss her awake?”

“Lupa!”

“Hm?”

“I-I… Just because Roxy’s cute and sweet and funny doesn’t mean I’m just g-going to up and throw myself at her! I’ll… I’ll just make breakfast and-”

“Mate her with your display of sustenance?”

“Didn’t you want me to just stay with Max?” Fluttershy asked exhaustedly.

Uh oh. I sat up and popped my neck, breathing deeply as I got my yawn in. “Fuck.” Bearett had been my pillow and Pinkie was on the opposite side. “Fuck… I slept on a bear…”

Lupa trotted over and nudged me with her nose. “C’mon, Two-Leg.”

“Oi, puppy. How are you this morning?” I rubbed her ears.

“Somewhere between ready to bite you and cuddle you.” She snorted, trying to get me to my feet.

I got up and chuckled. “Alright, Miss Puppy, I’ll do the thing.” Lupa stood beside me and I took her ear in my hand just how she liked and started working it. “Who’s my good widdle puppy-wuppy? Are you my good widdle puppy-wuppy? Are you?”

Lupa pressed her head into my hand and I could tell that she was resisting the urge to growl. “I hate you and I hate your euphoria inducing hand.”

I wasn’t supposed to know what she was saying, so I didn’t act like I did. “You’re such a lovely wolf, Lupa. You must be a joy to be around…”

Fluttershy stepped in from the kitchen. “I-I’m sorry, but Lupa is Max’s companion…”

I looked at Lupa and gave her a little smile. “C’mon, sis. How ‘bout you ditch the dick and keep the sisterhood travelling?”

My pupper looked to my girlfriend. “Make her leave.”

Fluttershy gave me an awkward smile. “Um… Lupa says no, but she’s grateful...?”

“I’m flattered that she actually took it seriously.” I rubbed Lupa’s ears. “I’m sorry, puppy, but I was kidding. I still find you lovely, ferocious, and majestic though.”

Lupa snorted again. “Keep this one.”

Flutters shook her head. “She likes you again…”

“The tides do turn as they may. That being said, what’s for brekkie, Bonny Bunny?”

Fluttershy flushed and seemed to take the compliment as well as she usually did. “Um… Eggs and toast?”

“Lovely. Can I add you to that?”

Her eyes widened. “Wh-What do you-”

“Let me get a nip of some sugar, dearie~” I smiled sultrily at her before yawning. “Anyway, what does a guy gotta do to get a cuppa ‘round here?”

“Guy?”

I froze for a sec. “General term, but I guess I mean gal. Wasn’t aware the specifics meant so much.”

Fluttershy hid behind her hair and shook her head. “It-It doesn’t matter all that much to be honest with you… Do you want some tea?”

“Yes, please. Need a hand with prep?”

“N-No, no, I’ve got it taken care of…” She gazed at me pensively.

“Is something wrong?”

“Um… No, nothing’s wrong.”

I smiled at her, concerned. “I’ll let it go, but I don’t think you should feel ashamed or embarrassed about whatever it is. Or nervous, I guess. Depends on what it is, but I support you, okay dearie?”

Flutters grinned a little. “Thank you, Roxy…”

With that being said, we got breakfast put together and Pinkie got up to join us soon enough, so there was nothing wrong with waiting a little longer to address what I was doing with my day and the time I was going to be spending in Ponyville as a woman. Pinkie suggested that I go to Twilight’s and learn some more about Equestria in general and Fluttershy offered to come along with me. It was perfectly fine by me and I had my clothes with me anyway, so I just showered and changed at Fluttershy’s. Pinkie fucked off and went home so I got to know Fluttershy a little bit better and talked to her about me, as in Max.

As we led into the conversation, she said, “Max is a tough nut to crack, Roxy, and he’s one better left with a little bit of the shell on… If you- If you know what I mean…”

“I kinda get it. There’s a million ways to get to know Max, but you’ll only ever have the one real way and that’s to let him keep some of his walls up. I guess you learn about Max piece by piece depending on which part of the shell he leaves up.”

She smiled a little. “So you know how to handle him pretty well.”

“Well, Applejack spent half the night comparing me to Max, so I just thought about what I’d be like in his situation.”

“You two are somewhat similar… It’s a good thing.”

“I would hope so, otherwise I might’ve stolen something from you.”

“... Did you?”

I checked my pockets mockingly. “Ah, the only thing I feel in my pockets is maybe Pinkie’s heart.”

Flutters giggled at that. “You two seem to get along pretty well…”

I shrugged. “She’s not half bad when her attention isn’t solely on you. Gal’s a lot to handle all at once though, even if she really does seem like quite the sweetheart.”

“She really is sweet, but Pinkie can push a little hard and expect a little more than you’re willing to give at times, so it’s best to be patient with her. I think you’ll like Twilight plenty if you like her and Applejack.”

I raised a brow and bumped her with my hip. “What? Twilight’s not like you at all?”

“W-Well, we both like tea and reading a lot… And wine…”

“So if I like you, then I’ll like Twilight?”

“W-Well-”

“Then I guess I’m going to have to snuggle up to Twilight because you won’t snuggle me.” I stuck my nose in the air, trying not to smirk.

“O-Oh, I-I would snuggle you! I-It’s just that I-I- Er, well, I uh…”

I nudged her. “I was teasing you, but if you’re going to volunteer yourself for the cuddles and whatnot~”

Fluttershy gave me a nervous smile. “W-Well… It’s just that…”

“Oh, it’s just that I’m too short and hideous for you, I understand.” I nodded sagaciously.

The grip Fluttershy had on my arm was a little firm for her and the look on her face made me regret opening my mouth. “Roxy, you are not hideous!”

“I was kidding, dearie. The lady in the looking glass is perfectly fine, Flutters.” I just wish I was pretti- Oh fuck, that’s so not cool.

While I was stressing over whether to worry about the hint of self-image issues I’d dropped or to ignore it, Fluttershy said, “You don’t think you’re cute at all…”

“Do I have to?”

“... Well, how do you think I’m supposed to feel?” Her expression seemed more hurt than anything, but I couldn’t tell if it was because she was feeling empathetic or offended. When I shrugged, she said, “Roxy, if you don’t think you’re cute, then how is a mare like me supposed to feel?”

I… Did not know how to reply to that. “... I don’t know. I’m not as pretty as you, so I don’t really-”

“What.”

“What.”

“What!?”

“What?”

“No! What!?”

“Can we not and just go back to walking now?”

Fluttershy rubbed her cheek and shook her head before she just started walking. Under her breath she muttered, “Pretty as Rarity without makeup and- Silly-filly goofy-butted…”

I took the compliment in stride and Fluttershy took us to Twilight’s house. For what it was worth, the look on Spike’s face when we met at the door told me a few things, and one of them was that he thought I was cute. The second thing was that Fluttershy was right and that I was conventionally attractive as a female on Equus. It was a little strange to think that I had been turning heads for my looks rather than for being a new face and the strangeness kind of leaned toward sucking. I didn’t really like being noticed in general and being in the spotlight for something I couldn’t do that much about annoyed me to no end.

In any case, Twilight was reorganizing the library for like, the third time since I’d met her and Fluttershy led me over to introduce us. Someone’s heartbeat was behind a few shelves and I found that kind of weird. Either way, Purps was busy and Flutters wasn’t loud enough to get her attention, so I just tapped Twilight’s shoulder and said, “Oi, am I checkin’ you out or the books?”

My shortest girlfriend practically jumped out of her metal bootsies when I spooked her and whirled around halfway prepared to slap me. “Ee- Oh. Oh, hi… Um… Did you say something?”

“Hi, I’m Roxy. I’m a friend of Max, AJ, Pinks, and Flutterbutter Shyfly here.”

Twilight gave her attention to Fluttershy while appearing pretty embarrassed. “Fluttershy, I-”

“I-It’s okay! You were busy!” Flutters smiled anxiously, obviously not fond of the direction of the conversation.

“Speaking of busy, Fluttershy and I came here to get busy with you, if you know what I mean.” I winked at Twilight and she beamed at me.

“R-Really!? That’s great! Nopony ever wants to experiment with me!”

The laughter was choked down with the sweetness of the moment. “We’ll be happy to experiment with you however you want. One on one, both of us at once, maybe a little threeway learning experience?”

Her excitement made me excited too, just not in the same way. “That sounds perfect! There are plenty of things that I just need one other pony for, but if I could get both of you to do stuff with me at once-”

“Twi, please, as your friend I’m askin’ you to not sleep with that mare.” Rainbow said, having been the other person I’d heard in the room.

I turned to her and nudged Twilight. “Oi, you had a helper here all along? What say we make this a four-way?”

Rainbow blushed and Twilight just sighed. “Rainbow Dash really isn’t the scientist type and it’s already a bit of a crowd with three ponies…”

Dash gave her a look. “Twilight Sparkle, you can’t be serious right now.”

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just that-”

“No, you silly egghead! This mare’s trying to get in your pants!”

“... But she said she came over to get busy with experiments, so I’m not really seeing where you’re coming from, Rainbow.”

“Experimenting with your marehood!”

Twilight’s face flushed and I managed to catch her as she started going down. However, that meant that Fluttershy ate the dust without having her airbags cushion her fall. It also meant that she didn’t fall on her face, so there’s that for the small victory of the day. Rainbow took Twilight from me with a glare and said, “She’s not the mare you evidently think she is, nag. Twilight’s not one to just up and do that kind of thing with just anypony.”

“I figured, dearie. She had no idea what I was talking about.” I scoffed, going over to pick up Fluttershy.

“I-If you knew, then why-”

“Because it was funny and she seems like the type that would look back at everything I said and see the innuendo for what it was, get embarrassed, and then do something silly. It was all in good fun, Rainbow.”

Nabbing Fluttershy was a little hard since I’d lost a bit of muscle during the impromptu sex change, but it wasn’t enough to make me feel particularly weak or anything. Maybe I was still used to being frail or maybe I never really picked Fluttershy up. It didn’t really matter since Rainbow and I put the sleeping beauties on the couch for a little shut-eye before she said, “I’m all for a good prank, but sex stuff makes Twilight really uncomfortable. It wouldn’t do you much good to start out by hitting on her.”

“What if I kissed her cheek and gave her,” I put on a saucy look, “a friendly smile?”

I got a deadpan look. “Are you hitting on me?”

I pretended to check her out. “Eh, I like my gals a little on the snuggly side. No offense.”

“Tch, can’t win ‘em all.”

“Ugh… Win what?” Fluttershy asked groggily.

“Hey Flutters. This mare was just telling me that she was joking.”

My yellowest girlfriend blinked herself to life and nodded a few times. “Okay…”

Twilight wasn’t far behind her, but in the time between, I actually got to talk to Dash and Fluttershy. I had to admit that while I’d known that they were the oldest friends in the group besides Applejack and Rarity, I couldn’t have ever guessed that they had the dynamic that they did. Much of the conversation they maintained made little sense to me since they practically spoke in code, but I wiggled my way into their little world by asking questions and found out that Fluttershy and Fluttershy alone was the main reason that Rainbow Dash wasn’t absolutely rotten. Apparently my ever-sympathetic girlfriend earned Rainbow’s respect by standing up for her when Dash fell into a crashing streak like no other. Rainbow had actually bullied her in the past and Fluttershy ended up showing the kindness she’d always had, earning Dash’s loyalty like no one else in the group.

Twilight woke up while they were telling the tale of how they met each other’s parents and it was actually kind of a neat story. Flutters and Rainbow were closer than I’d ever given them credit for and Twilight was all too happy to mention how the girls were more like family than even some of her extended relatives. I didn’t know that Twilight had any extra relatives that she hadn’t mentioned, but then again she never really talked about her family, so I started asking about that too. I knew I was playing a dangerous game with the way I was gathering information, but Applejack wasn’t around and I could be a little more lax about bending my truths into a different story.

While I was thinking of new questions and possible answers I’d have to give, Twilight told us all that she had an older brother that she didn’t really talk to much and that her Mom was her main inspiration behind becoming a scientist. My little Plum was actually a bit of a renowned scientist and Magi with the level of apropos she expressed in both fields. She actually had a Noel Mind Prize for her studies in recycling mana waste from depleted enchantments and that was really, really fucking cool. Unfortunately the learning experience didn't last much longer and the girls started asking questions about me.

I told them nothing but the truth, even if I did mend the gaps to make it seem like I’d lived the life of a lesbian masseuse instead of a gigolo thief. The girls could identify with partners and prospects of lovers that didn’t turn out to be much when it came to the times when I sacrificed my morals to get a leg up as long as I dressed it up. IT was easier to connect with them when I made my experiences bend to fit what I thought was a more feminine perspective and the girls ate everything up and welcomed me with open arms. Rainbow didn’t need a reminder to chill out when she figured out that I was just going to be exxtra goofy to mess with her and Twilight didn’t feel threatened by the ‘fact’ that I was ‘gay’. Fluttershy, however, was all too happy to start getting a little more touchy-feely with me in general when we all sat down for tea and snacks, which even led to her leaving her hand on my thigh while we were all getting to know each other a little better. Well, I say that and it’s true because we all learned new stuff, but the girls knew more about each other than of me and vice versa.

All in all it was a very informative session that I didn’t have to steer at any point to get more knowledge from the people around me. Twilight, Flutters, and Rainbow were all open books and if it came to mind, then I could just ask and not really worry about offending them because they never seemed to take anything the wrong way. It was odd; I’d slipped up once or twice and gave Twilight a backhanded compliment that everyone just laughed off. Hell, Spike even brought me and me alone a cup of tea only to tell Twilight that she didn’t get one because she was a meanie pants. It was touching and I honestly felt more welcome in that moment than I had in a long time and it made me feel a little… Hurt, I guess. I felt like I wasn’t good enough as the person I was to get the same reception that I did in disguise, but there were also a lot of factors in the mix.

Was everyone being more friendly to me because I was being more congenial? Were my jokes less sharp or bawdy? Was it that I didn’t seem as ‘lean and mean’ as a woman? I mean, yeah, whenever I looked in the mirror I didn’t get the same feeling of loathing in a female form, but I didn’t think it’d affected much. Maybe walking in someone else’s shoes made me feel better and more willing to be friendly? Maybe my friends were sexist like I already figured a few of them were. There was also the fact that it’s easier to identify with someone of the same sex, especially when race wasn’t really a factor.

In any case, while I’d been lost in thought, Twilight had asked something and Rainbow had to get my attention via nudge. “Hey, you alright there, Roxy? You seem kinda out of it.”

“Thinking too much. What’s up?” I offered her a little smile.

“I was just wondering if you’d want to have a mare’s night,” Twilight’s concern was evident in her voice, “but maybe you should have a lie down? You have to be a little worn out from culture shock.”

I sniffed and thumbed my nose. “I was just thinking about how the logistics of my next prank were going to work, you worry too much.”

“Oh my gosh, please no!”

Rainbow guffawed. “Aw yeah! I can’t wait to see what it is!”

“What what is?” I asked innocently.

“Your prank!”

“What prank?”

“The prank you just mentioned!”

I tilted my head. “You mean the prank Max just mentioned.”

“... What?”

Gotcha bitch. “What country are you from?”

“What!?”

“What? ‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of. Do y’all speak this language in ‘What’?”

Rainbow was officially in the what-zone. “What!?”

“This language ninny! Do you speak it!”

“Wh- I- Y-Ye-Yeah! Yeah!”

“So you know what I’m saying!?”

“Yes!”

“Okay then. What does Maximus look like?”

Rainbow closed her eyes with an expression of pure cognitive labour across her face. “I… He’s… He’s… Eggy?”

Did that cunt- Skip it. “And?”

“Um… He- He has pretty eyes?”

… Alright. “Does he look like a bitch?”

“... Yes?”

“Ha, I’m gonna tell him you said that.”

“I am so confused right now.”

“That’s pretty much the point, but thanks for playing the game. Your prize is a smile.” I beamed at her.

Rainbow just chuckled and shook her head. “You and Pinkie get along pretty well, don’t you?”

“Actually, yeah. She’s random and I make jokes about the stuff she does. I’m goofy and she makes jokes about the stuff I do. Pinkie’s my little sweetheart, I’d say.”

Twilight giggled. “Pinkie does have a way of getting into your good graces, doesn’t she?”

“It might just be that she’s shorter than me. I like women that are shorter than me.”

The purple twat sidled up beside me and raised her brows. “I like it when ponies are shorter than me too~”

“You have no idea how much I despise you right now, but to give you an example…” I seized the moment when her guard was down to begin a vicious assault like no other, attacking Twilight without reservation.

She giggled while I hugged and nuzzled her. “If you do this to the ponies you don’t like, I’d love to see what you do for the ponies you actually enjoy!” Twilight paused. “Wait…”

“Hurt your own feelings there, dearie. It’ll be fine, you’re just cuddly enough to bear being around.” I let her go and gave her a little smile. “So what’s the word on girl’s night? Is it a go?”

Flutters giggled. “We were kind of waiting on you, Roxy.”

I shrugged. “Then I suppose it’s fitting that I took my time as we all know you simply cannot rush perfection~”

Rainbow scoffed. “You’re so full of crap.”

Purps rolled her eyes. “Narcissism is unbecoming of you, but it’s pretty funny when I know you’re joking.”

The Pegasus gave me a look. “You sound like Rarity.”

“Don’t get snuggled, yellow girl. I’ll snuggle you until you have to take a shower.”

Twilight giggled. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about being smelly any time soon. Like, Max smells like chocolate and cherries, but you smell like really expensive candied cherries.”

I looked back to Fluttershy. “Apparently I’m so sweet I’ll make you sticky.”

Rainbow chortled. “Dude, do you do this crap on purpose, or does it just come out wrong?”

“Can I rub your wings?”

“... I’m tempted to say yes.”

I tilted my head. “Why not just say yes?”

“Because you practically just asked to touch her chest!” Twilight giggled.

I messed with her breast for a second to prove a point. “We’ve all got ‘em, so what’s the big deal?”

Twilight swatted my had and gave me a look. “Don’t you get handsy with me, Missy!”

“Oh, you’re lookin’ like you need a hug right about now, dearie. Don’t get yourself hugged if you’re not prepared for it.”

“Oh my gosh! Are you this affectionate all the time, or are you just in a good mood?”

I placed my hand upon my breast and let a breath swell within my chest. “Forsooth, mine Pony, do not forsaketh the magic that lies within the power of a simple hug, the touch of one who would see you do well in all that you endeavour to accomplish. No, my dear Twilight, my hugs are meant to be that of a well wish wrapped into a common gesture while also warming me up because fuck! I haven’t spent so much time this cold in a while.” Which was true. It was generally a little chilly as Roxy.

Twilight stared at me. “Well… Now I want to give you a hug…”

“I’m sorry, we don’t do returns here, but we’ll buy your used hugs and sell them refurbished, yeah?”

“Hush.” I got a hug.

Fluttershy came in from behind. “Roxy, you’re goofy.”

Rainbow scoffed. “I’m not getting in that, but I’ll say that Roxy is cooler than Max. You can’t get a hug out of Max unless he’s feeling you up.”

I patted Twilight’s bottom and she pinched me. “Ow, and I can be handsy too!”

Twilight huffed. “And Max isn’t that bad. Roxy’s just softer.” Everyone involved in the hug let go and I was a little let down since I’d actually been warm. “So what do you want to do for girl’s night?”

I glanced over my shoulder at Fluttershy. “Is it bad if I say drinking and smoking tea?”

She giggled. “I think you might be a different kind of party mare, Roxy.”

“Eh, this party gal could bear to slow down a bit, then. What say we all go streaking, paint our nips and leave prints on windows?” I got stared at by everyone. “Do I really need to say that I was joking, or…?”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Why don’t we do a poetry contest?”

Rainbow immediately looked annoyed, but I cut in with, “And we could do rounds based on different topics and tones.”

Fluttershy gasped. “We could use animals as inspiration!”

Twilight lit up like London during Christmas and it warmed my heart. “Oh, this is gonna be great! Come on, Rainbow! You could even use flying or adventure as a topic!”

Dash made a face. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you eggheads are gonna get us all together for reading. I get it.”

Twilight’s face fell and I wasn’t fond of that. “We could always do each other’s hair or makeup or make quilts or…”

Rainbow’s alarm was priceless. “What? No! I was- I-I mean the poetry thing is a great idea! I love it!”

I smirked. “If you write something good enough, I’ll give you a little smooch~”

“... That’s not even fair. You’re straight!” The annoyance on her face was hilarious.

Fluttershy giggled. “That’s what you think…”

Dash raised a brow. “I know a mare’s mare when I see one-”

I cuddled up to Fluttershy and let my head rest on her shoulder, hugging her arm like she’d done to me before. “Are you sure about that?”

“... Okay, I’m gonna write the best poem-thing you’ve ever heard and it’s gonna knock your socks off!”

“Speaking of socks, how fast can a gal get some shoes made around here?”

“If you pay for a rush order, then a few hours.” Twilight said brightly. “Why don’t you and Fluttershy go get you some better fitting shoes while Rainbow and I gather the girls?”

I shrugged and looked at Fluttershy. “Wanna go get some ice cream while we wait, or…?”

Her smile made me smile right back at her. “I’d love to!”

Without further ado, we split up and put in multiple orders so I would have some variety in shoe and it took me a moment to wonder if I was acting more feminine because I was a woman or if it was because I was perceiving myself more as a woman, if that makes any sense. As I walked with Fluttershy, I found myself making more casual observations of things I normally wouldn’t have thought about in depth, like how Rainbow’s attire suited her personality to a ‘T’ and that Twilight could bear to show off a little more than she did. It was an interesting thought and made me turn my gaze to Fluttershy only to have my thoughts lead me to an idle realization; Fluttershy knew exactly how to play off her endowments while still being modest. It wasn’t that she was embarrassed; she accepted herself for who she was and what she had, but I’d mistaken a quiet confidence for insecurity. It made me contrast myself against her and I saw that I kind of fell flat in the subtle bravado aspect. That alone was a fun realization, but then I got ice cream and realized that black walnut was delicious and considered that just as important at the moment.

While I at my ice cream with Fluttershy, I noticed we did a lot of casual talk that I would have once considered flirting. We complimented each other, told stories, and mentioned the people in our lives while it seemed like we were just getting to know each other better as friends. I’ll admit to being a little confused as how to feel while I chomped my cone, but I knew that I was happier for having taken the time to create the alternate persona and find out more about my companions. For example, Fluttershy’s brother was creepy and weird, and that was a lot of the reason she was so shy around people. He embarrassed her all the time when they were young and she couldn’t really take the pressure when it started marring her reputation with her peers.

After we finished our cones and headed back to my place, I got showered and changed into some decent casualwear that kind of reinforced the fact that I didn’t have any desire to make myself more noticeable than I already was. When Fluttershy saw my plain maroon jersey shirt and black jeggings, she asked, “So are you just not much of a skirt or dress kind of mare?”

“Hm? I wouldn’t say so. I kind of like having my legs covered and the breeze isn’t my favourite thing to feel.”

“I was just wondering. You really don’t seem to… Well, I’m sorry… That was-”

“Flutters, spit it out before I put my tongue in your mouth and fish for it myself.” She blushed and got a goofy smile about her lips. “... I was mostly kidding, but I actually might if you don’t get on with it.” Her expression didn’t change and I knew that I’d already lost her. I couldn’t find any harm in a little peck and she was my girlfriend anyway, so it really wouldn’t matter.

The kiss was tame when it began, but Fluttershy evidently wanted it more than I’d thought she did. I was shocked to find that she was so eager to make out with a near stranger and was a little too flabbergasted to push her away for the first few seconds. However, that didn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it and it certainly didn’t mean that things didn’t go a little further than I would normally have let them. Fluttershy, for some fucking reason, was more dominant than ever as she pushed me into the wall and kissed me with a fervor I’d yet to see from her until she pulled away.

It wasn’t lust in her gaze so much as raw arousal, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for it. “... Little much for a first kiss, yeah?”

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “I’m… I’m not sorry…”

“Don’t be. That was fun. However, we got stuff to do, yeah?”

“Right… Um…”

I brought her down to my level for another peck. “You showered this morning, so we’re clear to head back to the cobblers and do some more waiting or…?”

“It-It’ll take some time to get back there… It’s on the opposite end of town, af-after all…”

“Then we should get moving, hm?”

“Y-Yeah!”

And so we did, but we ended up going by Fluttershy’s place to pick up more tea to smoke and the liquor store was another visit to be made. By the time we got to the cobbler’s, the sun was going down and everyone was at Twilight’s anyway, so it didn’t really matter whether we got there before or after picking up my shoes. Fluttershy was quick to apologize for us being late, but I reasoned everything away and took the blame in the end, which was well received by everyone except Rarity. Rarity, however, was salty.

The look on her face was everything I needed to know, but then she said, “Still, there’s fashionably late and then there’s outright tardy, Madam.”

I raised a brow at her. “There’s a heartfelt apology and then there’s a casual ‘go fuck yourself’. We’re late. We’re here. Don’t get your panties wadded up, yeah?”

My least amiable friend levelled a glare at me, but Twilight of all people present was the one to say, “Rarity, you were thirty minutes late and you live in town, keep an overnight kit prepared, and your excuse equivocates to ‘I wanted to be the last one there’. So uh…”

Rarity pursed her lips. “That, Twilight, is different.”

“How?” echoed pretty much everyone.

Applejack scoffed and took over. “Uh, Roxy had to get shoes that actually fit her, get a bath, and they stopped by Fluttershy’s and the liqour store. It’s different ‘cause they had a buncha pretty darn good reasons, Rares.”

Rainbow snorted. “Can we all stop lobbing lampshades and get bucked up already? Apple Butt brought shine, Rarity brought wine, and I’m over this schoolfilly crap.”

I snapped and pointed at her. “Fluttershy brought smokeables!”

Applejack groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna try and-”

“Only if someone wants to! But uh, yeah, I do plan on smoking.”

Fluttershy giggled. “I don’t think you’ll be smoking alone if Twilight has anything to say about it.”

The mare in question shrugged. “I just like it. If Roxy likes it too, then-” She paused and looked at me with narrowed eyes. “If you get high, are you gonna try and cuddle me?”

“That sounds like I shouldn’t say yes, but it really seems lovely. Do I have to be high to want to cuddle you?”

“Well, no, but I don’t know if I want to be cuddled!”

“Oh, dearie, I didn’t even ask about it. I was thinking that you were playing coy since you brought it up.”

Twilight’s brain worked and the cogs turned while I closed the distance. “... I did bring it up and I did kind of just assume that you would… I’m sorr-ree!” I gave her the good squish.

We both giggled as she hugged me back. “You’re a trip, Twilight, and such a lovely gal. You’re gonna make some guy really happy and very confused some day.”

We let each other go and Fluttershy hummed happily. “We could work on making Max happy and confused if he would ever bother showing up for more than a couple of weeks.”

The girls muttered there agreement and I took the blow as well as I could. I really did have bad luck in recent memory when it came to being home for longer than I spent away, but I was technically right where I should have been, just not in the correct shoes. Speaking of my shoes, that was what I used to change the subject and the party started from there. When the drinks were poured and Twilight’s pipe was being passed around, stories, bullshit, and other things that I’d never really paid attention to while in the company of the girls started flowing back and forth. There were a few times where I found myself lost as to what the topic was or what the lead-in had been, but at the same time I enjoyed myself so much that it was hard to find a fault in the exchanges. Yeah, the feminine topics and the general mood that hung in the air were alien to me, but I found that a little tweaking was all I needed to relate to the women I called friends just a little more.

Drinks were drank while stories were told and groups formed and dissolved within the larger circle and I had to say that it was pretty alright. After a couple of hours that were full of chuckles and laughter, I took my party to the kitchen for a moment to load my bowl with ice cream and grab another Snowy P.R. Ussian (Pony’s Republic, apparently) to go with it. The Snowy P.R. Ussian was basically just a White Russian that had a touch of allspice oil, and I honestly though that it served the drink well. However, just as I was putting the finishing touches on my beverage, Pinkie walked in and her hair was straighter than I was comfortable with it being. Nothing good ever came of having Pinkie’s hair outside of her usual messy ‘do.

“Oi, Pinks. How’s the party going for you?”

“It’s pretty fun, but it’s really nice that you finally came to one of these things.”

I raised a brow. “It’s hard to drop by when you don’t exist on a planet prior to a certain date.”

“We both know what I mean, Max.”

“Ah, I figured you’d know from what you said the other day. Why haven't you ratted me out?”

“What have you learned?”

“... I guess I’ve learned that the gals are more willing to work with a quirky woman than a shady guy. Honestly, it’s kind of hard to compare the experiences since Roxy and Max are different people with similar backgrounds, but all in all it’s been… Well, it’s easier to see why you girls like me and why you’ve all been friends so long. I feel like I’ve learned more about everyone other than Applejack in the past few days than I have since I’ve known you as Max.”

“And why do you think you’ve been learning so much?”

“Maybe I’ve been more receptive to information, maybe everyone’s been a little more forthcoming. I don’t really know.”

“Mm… Maybe you should keep shaking the tree and see what falls out? Just a thought.”

“Then let me shake the tree, yeah? What do you really think of me, Pinkie?” I asked, fully aware of the fact that we could be discovered at any moment. I wasn’t really all that concerned about it, but I did know that it was potentially a bad thing if I let it be.

Pinkie being Pinkie decided to clue in and go with, “You don’t want to know what I think of Max, Roxy. Max is a lot of things, and the only thing I’ll about that whole pile of person is that Max will never betray who he truly is. He’ll bend and twist, but Max is who Max is, and Max has always been a decent person. That being said, there’s a lot to Max and he doesn’t think he’s half the man he is. I wish he knew better.”

I sipped my drink. “Sounds like you have a lot to say about the subject.”

“... I love my friend, but I worry about him a lot. Some Ponies have a hard time recognizing te smell, but…”

Blsuhing wasn’t something I could make myself do, but I could still pretend. “Well, it’s not my fault that Fluttershy’s a good kisser.”

“We both know what I’m talking about, Max.”

“... It’s recent and it’s only a little from time to time. It’s not a big deal to stop.”

“Maybe Roxy should take a break while Max works on himself?”

I bit my lip. “... After the party or whatever this is. After this, I’ll take some down time to meditate and see what I can process through, but-”

“You need more than just yourself.”

“... I’ve never needed more than me, Pinkie. I think I’m starting to see that. Even with this, I walk in a pair of shoes I’ve only ever seen through the shop window, talked to the people wearing these kicks. I’m not saying I don’t and can’t lean on people, but the only one who can get my arse in gear towards my goals is me.”

She smiled kindly. “True, but don’t lose sight of the only thing I like about you, Max. Especially now.” Pinkie walked up to me, took my drink, then walked the fuck away like the cryptic bitch she was and I took the alone time to do some thinking.

Beyond what I’d already surmised from what life had shown me, the Roxy thing seemed to be more than a prank or an informational dive at the point I stood making a Muddy Magpie. While I contemplated the implications of my actions whenever I would give up the act, I had to appreciate what I’d learned so far. Applejack wasn’t putting up a front with her guilt and she was as genuine with me as Roxy as she’d been with me as Max. Solidifying our bond as either sex meant even more to me now that I knew she liked me just for being me. I sipped my drink while I thought about the reception I’d got as compared to the one I’d received as Max and found that there were just too many factors muddying the water, but that didn’t stop me from being ale to recognize that the girls were friendlier with one of their own than they were with me and that kind of sucked to come to. It wasn’t something that broke my heart, but it did make me wish for more male company and I decided that I would start looking for more whenever I had the chance.

When I rejoined the girls, Applejack had to try liquor with chocolate milk and found the Muddy Magpie to her liking, but my head was still a million miles away and I was trying not to let it show. However, as we started playing some tame drinking games like ‘Never Have I Ever’, I found it in myself to loosen up and enjoy the time I had, even if I would’ve rather been at home taking some time to myself. That being said, when the girls suggested we all do makeovers and have one or two of us work on someone at a time. I was quick to say that I’d never even worn makeup myself, but that was a mistake.

Rainbow was the first to ask, “Wait, how have you- Well, how have you, of all mares, not worn makeup?”

I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Because I’m naturally beautiful and no amount of pretty, sparkly mud is going to make me hotter than I am with my casual elegance.”

She stared back at me. “Okay, ow.”

Rarity tittered. “I couldn’t have put it better myself, darling, but perhaps a little wouldn’t hurt?”

I gave her a look. “Putting rhinestones on a tree doesn’t make it more majestic, it makes it sparkly. I wanna be majestic, don’t make me sparkly.”

“Majestic? Madam, you insult my abilities.” Rarity practically growled, making me ask myself if bad decisions were common in these parts. They were. “If majestic is all you’re after, then I daresay that-”

“Simple is beautiful.”

“... Okay, I’m glad you said that, but still.” She sniffed.

Applejack got up from the sitting circle and duck-ducked over to goose me on over to a chair. Rarity fucked off and Twilight came over to give me a shite-biting grin. “Well, Roxy, it looks like Miss Tree is going to get her rhinestones after all~”

I glared at her. “Oi, Twilight, remember how you’re taller than me?”

“Oh, yes I do!” She beamed.

“That just means your big bum falls harder.”

“Wha- My- My bum is not big!”

Applejack gave her a casual spank and giggled when she did a double-take. “Aw hay, Twilight-”

“Don’t slap my keister!”

Rarity coughed nearby. “Applejack, if you could refrain from assaulting a mare’s bottom for five more minutes…?”

“Oh, hardy-har-har, come over with your pretty, sparkly mud, carnie. It’s time for the festival, right?”

I giggled at that and peered around the deepness of the chair to see that Rarity wasn’t amused. “Applejerk.”

“Don’t be mad, Rarity, I’m just funnin’ ya.”

“Of course.”

“Oi, you called her a pervert, she called you a carnie. Same difference,” I interjected.

Applejack shot me a grin. “Seems like we know whose side you’re on.”

“Yeah, Twilight’s. You shouldn’t be molesting people against their will.” I booped Twilight’s boob for emphasis.

She swatted my hand away. “I swear, you play with mine more than anypony else!”

“I dunno, maybe your funbags are the most fun?”

Twilight gave me a look before poking my boob and making me burst into giggles. “Okay, what’s so funny about that?”

“It kinda tickled.”

“Wait, you’re not wearing a bra!”

Rarity gasped before actually putting thought into it. “Actually, I know of plenty of mares who choose to go without them here in Ponyville. Outside of a mare heavy town, though…”

Applejack chuckled. “Free-spirited mare, am I right?”

I fluffed my hair for theatrics. “Free the breast, beat the rest.”

“Great, now I feel silly for still having one on.” Twilight grumbled.

Rarity shrugged and Applejack patted her chest. “Took mine off before I came over, but I got one in the pack. Really, it’s just nice to not wear the damned thing and I’m pretty sure Roxy just don’t wear ‘em at all.”

“Knickers are a must, but I don’t really have much of a bust to restrain.”

“Speaking of restraint, it’s going to take a lot to stop at ‘simply majestic’, darling. I do wish you’d just let me work my magic-”

“I’m not a makeup kind of gal and I never will be. I just really don't want to be the only one to sit out the makeover and then have that super narcissistic thing I said be the impression you all got from me.”

Rarity blinked. “So… You don’t think you’re too pretty for makeup?”

Unfortunately, that prompted Fluttershy to swoop in. “I hear that Roxy doesn’t think she’s very pretty at all.”

Applejack gave me a funny look. “With that slender and snuggly figure ya got goin’ there?”

I beamed at her and shrugged. “Oi, I won’t say I couldn’t have been a little more endowed, but if you’re just going to up and try to make me blush…”

“Oh, hush and get prettified.” Applejack scoffed.

I smiled like I’d stolen the cheese for the trap until Rarity said, “So in order to keep things simple…”

First things first, it was not that simple. I could barely tell why Rarity was doing half the crap that she was, but even then she tittered and clucked about how it was all coming together when it felt like hours were ticking by. Eventually she was done and let everyone have a good look at me, but I was more annoyed at that point than anything. That being said, seeing Fluttershy and Twilight blush, watching Applejack take her hat off to scratch her ear, and seeing Pinkie’s far too interested look. Rainbow put a hand on her chest and stared openly, so I just looked around for a few moments.

Once I was sure of my next move, I said, “Ravioli ravioli give me the fomuoli!”

Pinkie tossed a bottle to me. It had a piece of paper in it. “Sure thing, cutie pie.”

I stared at her, opened it, and then saw that there was a number written on the page. 3825-63-4663. “... What?”

“Is now a bad time to ask for a kiss?” Rainbow asked, except she wasn’t her usual casual self about it. She sounded like she was trying to break the ungodly tension that had built.

I rolled my eyes and looked at Applejack. “AJ, what’s with the stop-and-stares?”

She pursed her lips. “If they’re thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’, then some ponies might be questionin’ certain assertions they’ve made-”

“Buck that! I’m gay for Roxy!” Pinkie proclaimed.

It hit me and I cracked up. “Wait, wait, wait; You lot, including, well, you lot, would go gay for me but not…” I looked around and thrust a hand at Twilight. “I mean, she and I have same build! She’s just cuter and has better endowments!”

Rarity beamed. “Does that mean Twilight’s the next in the chair? Because I do believe that we may have a little rivalry here~”

Twilight lit up like a brand new bulb in an overcharged socket. “H-Hey! I’ll do the makeover, but-”

I got up and wrapped an arm around Twilight’s waist. “Twily is my widdle sweetheart and not my rival. Besides, I have a feeling that all I’d have on you is smarts and you’re probably smarter than me.”

The smile I gave her made her give one back, her face still rosy. “E-Even if I am academically smarter, I’m sure there are a multitude of subjects that you could teach me-”

“You mean like how to please a woman?” I purred, giving her a half lidded gaze.

Twilight snorted. “All you have to do to please me is listen, read, and cook. Mares aren’t difficult.”

Oh yeah, time for idiocy. “I would say that I’m not difficult, but on one hand I know that I am. On the other, I know that I’m difficult because my brilliance is hard to grasp.”

Purps gave me a look. “You’re full of it.”

Applejack chuckled. “Twilight, you’re so oblivious and I love ya for it.”

Rarity was hiding a smile behind her hand. “I dare say you’re adorable, darling.”

“Why don’t you hit on me? I’d appreciate it?”

Twilight went ramrod straight as I said, “It’s funny because Twilight doesn’t get it. You’d flirt back, I’d flirt back, it’d go beyond flirting, and then I’d know the charm of your Charms. Or maybe Skittles. I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Flirting for fun is one thing, y’know?”

“And you think I’d just-”

“Yes.” Echoed in the room between multiple people.

Rainbow shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

With Twilight in hand, I spun her around and introduced her to the chair. “So what are you thinking, Rarity? Full-blown glamfest or just a touch up of some of those already lovely features?”

Rarity raised a brow. “Are you going to help?”

I lifted my hands and backed off. “Whoa, I can help with a shelf, but the face paint is out of my league.”

Applejack swooped in and brushed Rarity away. “I got dibs-”

“What.” Rainbow said it, but we were all thinking of it.

Rarity giggled. “I daresay I’d love to pass the reins to the mare who helped me come up with my very own signature look!”

Even I gasped at that. “What the fuck!?”

AJ looked around, appearing kind of annoyed. “What? Rarity and I go way back, I thought everypony but Roxy knew that.”

“Well, yeah, but do you eve wear more than lip gloss?” Rainbow asked, scratching her head.

My best friend shrugged and I answered for her. “I dare say there isn’t a woman or a mare in this room that isn’t absolutely stunning without the crap anyway.”

“And how!” Pinkie beamed at me.

I got nudged by AJ and stepped away from Twilight so she could get started. “Watch out, fillies, Roxy might be trying to get somewhere tonight~”

I looked around and saw that Fluttershy was avoiding my gaze. “Oh, what do you say, Miss Buttershy? Would you like to take me somewhere tonight?”

Twilight giggled and Applejack got started while we all started making jokes about getting Fluttershy in bed, but Rarity kind of ruined the mood by asking how serious I’d been. I went with a meagre thirty percent and there were giggles as m sexuality was clarified upon. Twilight, however, seemed to grow quiet after learning that I was ‘gay’ and Applejack commented on her sudden silence as they continued on with the makeover. Twilight stuttered something out, but it didn’t make much sense.

Applejack was still working on her when I said, “Dearie, don’t worry about me trying to smooch your lips without your permission. I’ll give ya a little peck on the cheek to tease and mess with you, but it won’t go beyond teasing until you flirt back.”

Pinkie giggled. “So what if I flirt back?”

“Mm, I’d rather put you in my lap and cuddle you to death, honestly.”

“And I can deal with that!”

Rainbow scoffed. “What about me?”

“You’ve got the tomboy thing going for you, but I like femmes.”

“Mhm, I don’t blame you. That being said…” She wiggled her brows at me.

I chuckled. “I didn’t want to say this because it’s hurtful, but I also like women who are taller than me.”

Dash shrugged. “Less hurtful than it could’ve been.”

“I can always punch you if you’re looking for some kind of fix. If you don’t want a punch, you can come get a hug~”

“I’m good, but gosh you gotta spend some time around Max whenever he comes back. You two are like, two peas in a pod except Max makes your mouth hurt.”

I raised my brows. “You slut!”

Applejack and Pinkie giggled their fucking heads off while Twilight and Rarity were looking salty. The purplest of the two started with, “Roxy, that’s just rude-”

“And even if it was for the sake of a joke, it was still quite impolite!”

“Does Max make your mouth hurt too?”

Even Fluttershy started giggling at that point while Rarity narrowed her eyes at me. However, before she could get it out, Applejack cut in with a solid save. “Alright, y’all are gonna have to take a break with the giggles for whoever steps up next. Swear I almost poked Twi in the eye a couple times.”

“You were very careful and I appreciate that,” Twilight replied nervously.

I leaned around Applejack and almost fell the fuck over when I met my girlfriend’s gaze. “Holy- Hullo there, Lover-Girl. Dibs.” I raised my hand and looked around to see giggling in process. “Oi, I have officially called dibs. And as the guest, I would like to incur the ancient rites of guesthood and also claim Fluttershy.” The woman in question turned cherry red and I smiled between her and Twilight. “Alright girls, say goodnight. We’re going to go study the… Ponysutra, I guess.”

“How crude!”

“Ooo! Ooo! Why don’t we do the Flying Lotus!?” Pinkie cried.

Applejack rubbed her cheeks, tears in her eyes. “I’m gettin’ a damn drink.” And so she got up.

Everyone crowded around a mare who’d apparently thought she was about to get away with not being examined from the bottom of her chin to the tip of her horn. That being said, Applejack was somehow better with the shite than Rarity appeared to be. Whereas Rarity was all flair and had to tone her style down, I felt like the dusky tones and the complementary rouges were a part of Applejack’s own dialed up methods. Twilight looked fantastic and her eyes were center stage, the crystal clear quality of her varied purple hues ringing true against the whites of her eyes only to be accented by the dark eye shadow Applejack used. Twilight was showered with compliments and I made a few of my flirts a little more obvious, if not tame for the sake of letting her know I was just messing around.

Applejack was next when she came back because Twilight and I were on the same page. She resisted as much as she could, but I brought up the fact that we all knew that I didn’t wear makeup and Twilight didn’t either, so she was stuck for reason and apparently I was on deck. No one listened when I said that I’d never actually applied makeup, but I decided to give it my best go and decided that I was going to use the trust she’d given me to get more. All in all, I had no idea what I was doing, but the girls were either too much of a hugbox to tell me that I sucked or Applejack’s quiet admiration was as genuine as the rest of her and I could actually make the face-paint work to a certain point.

Fluttershy was up next and Twilight actually did a fairly decent job on her, but then Fluttershy did Pinkie and I suddenly had a harder time seeing her as a painfully pink loli and saw her as more of a petite young woman. She was still Pinkie, but I gave her a peck on the cheek and a couple compliments for not hitting on me constantly, despite the fact that I was kind of putting myself out there. I couldn't explain why I was flirting so much or why I was having so much fun doing shite that I’d never thought I’d catch myself doing away from hard drugs, but it was a fucking lovely time with the gals just joking and getting the giggles in. However, when Pinkie did Rainbow’s makeup, the laughs died down and it wasn’t because the good times had stopped. Pinkie had made Rainbow into a mime and for some odd reason, the speedster couldn’t talk until she wiped her face off.

That, however, just served to piss Rainbow off. “Hey, Rares, whatcha smilin’ at?”

Rarity just gave her a little grin. “Oh, I’m just keeping quiet over here. You know, mime’s the word?”

“Ha ha, who hasn’t had their makeup done yet?”

Marshmallow froze. “I-I think we’ve all been i the chair-”

Dash grinned like she was sizing up a steak. A tofu steak, I guess. “Oh, I don’t remember styling anypony up, and I don’t think I remember a certain somepony getting in the chair~”

“Dash, please tell me that you’re colour blind.” I chuckled.

She blushed and furrowed her brow. “What of it?”

I stopped laughing. “Oh fuck, that’s incredibly ironic. I’d ask how many fingers I’m holding up, but I’m lazy and it doesn’t work like that.”

Rarity’s irregular heartbeat got my attention and when I looked over to her, I saw that she was smiling and sweating hard enough to mat down her fur. “Ah-ha-ha! I-I-I just remembered, I left a quiche in the oven!”

Applejack seized one arm. “Mm, that quiche is long gone, sister. Might as well sit and curse your luck.”

Rarity looked to me. “R-Roxy, s-surely you’d like to take another swing at it? You showed so much promise!”

“Wow.” Rainbow deadpanned.

“Oi.”

“Not you, babe.”

“I figured, but still.”

Rarity tried to worm away from Applejack, but I came to her other arm and gestured with my head. “Are we gonna have to hold you down, dearie? After all, Rainbow could pull off something magnificent and all you’re doing now is delaying her perfection. You can’t rush perfection, but you can’t procrastinate with it either, now can you?”

She bit her lip and whispered. “I-I… I am very skilled with my fingers.”

I looked at her, then at Applejack who asked, “And that was…?”

“A bribe that is not going to work.” I gave our victim a peck on the cheek since she’d sealed her own fate and could use a consolation prize. “Have a seat, dearie.”

Rarity sighed and let herself be frogmarched to the chair only to have the horrorshow begin in full. She’d chosen to keep her eyes closed after Rainbow had let her hand linger over the neon palette she had only to be correct in the assumption that Dash was going to fuck her world up. She used something that was practically black as blush and it made Rarity look like she’d been punched, but the bright red eye-shadow that she layered with neon blue was a sight to behold. I was cringing and biting my hand when Raibow put purple lipstick on her and then turned right around and tried add foundation before Rarity started sniffling. We let her suffering be over and it was unanimous that we let Rarity fix herself and Fluttershy while Applejack helped Rainbow out.

While the professional seamstress and uncertified veterinarian started touching themselves up, the cowgirl took over with the bluest of the group, leaving me, Twilight, and Pinkie to say that we were terrible at makeup and collectively agree to not ruin someone’s day. Then Twilight kind of ruined the mood by saying that, in better or worse terms, I was sandbagging and that I’d actually done a fairly good job with Applejack. I’d just rolled my eyes, but Pinkie chimed in and asked why no one had said anything about correcting her makeup and I shrugged it off, but that did make me wonder if I was a little metro on the inside and didn’t know it.

After awhile the party started dying down and Twilight announced a last call that actually hurt my feelings. I wasn’t done drinking, but then again I might have a minor chronic alcoholism problem and snuck a double with Fluttershy anyway. I was feeling a pretty decent buzz, but Fluttershy was obviously on the heavier side of tipsy if her handsiness was anything to go by. For a few fleeting moments, I kept pushing her away with little smiles and chuckles before doing a little teasing of my own. Before I knew it, Fluttershy’s lips were on mine, her hand was gripping my arse, and there was a dampness in an area that I generally considered moisture to be unwelcome. However, the sex change altered the context and I was looking forward to getting lucky.

Then Applejack cleared her throat and I casually peered around Fluttershy. “... Hullo there. Fancy a snog or t- A shot or two?”

She raised her brows. “And here I thought you were gonna end up in Twilight’s bed.”

I reached up and stroked Fluttershy’s cheek, mortified as she was. “Twily’s a lovely, cute little gal, but I don’t think she’s ready for that kind of thing yet, you know?”

“Mhm, and all that fuss you were raisin’ about lettin’ yourself get oriented on Equus before hoppin’ to it?”

I let my head rest on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “If I don’t snatch her up, who will?”

“Her coltfriend.”

“... Oof.” I glanced at Fluttershy. Now’s your chance to say…

Flutters cleared her throat. “M-M-Max and I…”

“Open relationship?” AJ surmised.

“Yes…”

I gripped Fluttershy’s arse and gave it a little pat before picking up a drink I’d forgotten I’d made. “I’m not averse to sharing.”

Applejack shrugged. “Just thought I’d get the facts out there.”

I smirked at her. “Is it me, or are you strolling down memory lane?”

She smiled a little, confirming my suspicions. “Yeah, but mares ain’t for me and Rares-”

“What.”

“What!?”

AJ rolled her eyes. “We were never official and she was just the first crush. We’re a lot better off as friends.”

I chuckled a little, earning a look from her. “Oi, it’s not everyday that a gal I’d take for a drink with the boys has a chance to land Miss Priss herself.”

Applejack took a deep breath and sighed heavily. “Yeah, that’s just the thing. Rarity made me feel more like a mare than just about anypony other than Max.”

Fuck. Good one, Maxy. Rax. Raxy. “Mm, I can make ya sing like a mare, but how you feel is more up to you than me, dearie.”

She gave me another look. “And if I grunt like a goat?”

“A woman is like an instrument, dearie; If you’re not doing it right, you’re not going to get the best noises.”

“And what instru-”

“Acoustic guitar.”

“That was fast.”

I turned Fluttershy around to join the conversation. “Well, yeah, but it really does suit you more than you might think, dearie. You kind of just have that homey, never-a-stranger kind of feeling to you.”

“Well, thank ya, Sugarcube, but if I had to say what you were, I’d probably say a sax.”

“And why’s that?”

“Ya change the tone of a room every time ya open your mouth, but ya can take a backseat and let the other instruments play their part too. Doesn’t mean you’re not the one everypony’s payin’ attention to when the solo starts, though.”

I felt my face heat up and rolled my eyes. “Are you sure you’re not flirting?”

“Eh, I might be a little more inclined than I let on, but I’m not one to just jump into it. Still gotta learn ya a little better.”

I giggled. “Are you sure about that? You might just learn that I’m not all that easy and Flutters is just a real charmer~”

Applejack looked to Flutters. “So how’d you get her to drop em?”

“I-I-I didn’t! I-I, well, I… I don’t- I…”

I rubbed my girlfriend’s back. “She’s trying to say that she was sweet and I kind of offered. IT started as a little peck, but uh… Well, Flutters has nice lips.”

“I know, and you better treat them lips real gentle like, ya hear?”

I held up a hand. “Like the petals of a flower that blooms once in a lifetime.”

“Heh, you Humans sure are melodramatic, arentcha?”

“Kinda. So what’s this about you and Rarity becoming ‘more than friends’?”

Applejack blushed and rubbed her neck as she tried to ignore me, but Fluttershy was just as curious as I was, so we pretty much just stared at her until she spilled the beans. “Alright! If y’all wanna stop lookin’ at me like that, I’ll tell you the abridged version.”

She already had our attention so we didn’t stop staring, but I quelled the smile on my face all the same. AJ started again. “So after I helped Rares out of a little jam in school, we went back to her place and went to settle down for a little bit. We did filly stuff, goofed around to get our minds off of what just happened. It just so happened that I had some experience with makeup, so we put that on her and Rarity got her signature look.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Rarity was grateful and she showed that with a kiss, but I wanted a bit more than that. Keep in mind that I was goin’ through that experimental phase that every mare goes through!”

I chuckled and patted her arm. “No judgement from me, dearie. I’m still in that experimental phase, but I guess after you swear off of men, it’s not really a phase any more.”

“So you’re cold cut on the mare’s mare side? Not gonna make me look at ya any different, but have ya tried a guy?”

“Penetration isn’t my thing and I don’t like the taste of sausage. That, and I just like girls better.”

“Can’t blame ya-”

“Are you sure you’re not a little excited” Fluttershy asked innocently. “Don’t you want to try mares again and see if maybe it was more than just a phase?”

Applejack blushed and I gave her a peck on the cheek and a saucy look. “I’m game if you are~”

“No offense y’all, but I ain’t that kinda mare any more.”

I grinned. “I figured, but if you ever wanna bat for my team, I’d be happy to help you out.”

Fluttershy giggled and Applejack continued with, “I think that you’d have a better shot when Max comes back. I’ve had a threesome with him before and it was pretty nice, and toys never beat the real thing. At least, not his eal thing.” She said with a dirty grin that was shared by Fluttershy.

“I agree. You might not think much of him right now, but Max is great in bed. I haven’t spent a night with him that hasn’t gone well for me.” Fluttershy vouched.

“He might not be as long as some or as thick as others, but that stallion knows the spot!” Applejack chuckled, raising her brows

I shook my head. “I’m sure Max is quite the chap in the sack, but dick just isn’t my thing. I like lips and softness.”

Fluttershy subtly reached over and palmed my ass when I said that, making sure to stand extra close to me so Applejack wouldn’t notice. I didn’t react beyond a quick glance in her direction, but Applejack was more astute than Fluttershy was sneaky, so I caught the knowing smile that flashed across her mouth. I gave her a wink and she excused herself, stating that she could hear her grandmother calling for her from the library.

That left Fluttershy and I alone in the kitchen. We wasted no time, preferring to just get to the snogging the moment Applejack left the room. I was so entranced by Fluttershy’s lips and other assets that I hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that we had an audience up until I heard someone snicker. I gently broke our kiss and removed myself from Fluttershy, who was now blushing up a storm though she later told me that it was more from the kiss than being caught.

I turned to face the rest of the girls and pulled a face. “Can I snog Fluttershy in peace, or am I going to have to get my own house?”

“You two look like you were having fun!” Pinkie observed cheerfully. Rainbow and Rarity were busy glowering at me and Applejack was too busy trying to quell the shit eating grin she had to say much.

“You two can’t play spin the bottle by yourselves! You only ever get to kiss one person!” Twilight exclaimed, completely glossing over the fact that Fluttershy and I had barely stopped to take a breath, let alone spin a bottle.

“When you’re right, you’re right.” I sighed theatrically. “It’s just that Fluttershy and I were just talking about past lovers and some of our favourite kisses...”

“I-I was having a hard time understanding, so Roxy offered to demonstrate...” Fluttershy said innocuously, lying like the devious minx she was.

Applejack rolled her eyes since she knew the score, but sweet, innocent Twilight took the half truth at face value. Sadly, being caught meant that we were obligated to join the party once more, but with most of the snacks deteriorated and themajority of us either a little drunk or worn out, there wasn’t much left to do besides talk. We all did just that for the last couple of hours before dawn and it was actually more informative than I’d thought it would be. Twilight actually was a little bisexual and I got a kiss from her, but I immediately stole a second and abused the power of my lady lips to seduce Twilight. She let me snog her for as long as I wanted, but when she pulled away, her eyes were narrowed and she was a little less talkative. No one else seemed to notice, but Twilight was suspicious of me for some reason, I could feel it in my gut.

In order to cover my tracks and hopefully delete her suspicions before the time was right, I convinced Twilight to smoke a few more bowls from my stash, and that put Rainbow and Pinkie out as the Sun started showing its face, though Rarity sat it out since it didn't do anything for her anyway. Applejack had brought a change of clothes, so she borrowed Twilight’s shower and prepared to get her day started, which left Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity and I to our own devices. I teamed up with Rarity to make breakfast as a way to get some bonding time in. It was also a good way to get back on her good side after messing with her half the night as well as absorb some of her cooking skills, which were top-notch. Rarity was a capable chef with the right ingredients, though she told me that she could only perform with preferable conditions and Fluttershy and Twilight vouched for her there. Between the three of them they told me about the time when she’d had tried to make as many potato-based dishes as she could, but ended up coating everything in so much starch that everything she’d made was practically inedible.

There were potatoes in today’s breakfast, but it was in the form of fried medallions that I was very fond of. The other girls had some pancakes and shit, but I’ve always been more of a savory kind of person when it comes to my breakfast fare. With Twilight sleepy and stoned, she was nodding off from time to time and Rarity offered to go lay her down with the rest of the girls. Once they were gone and the slumber party was officially over, Fluttershy led me to the basement where we could finally have some fun.

Since I have a standing order from Fluttershy to not include any illicit sexual activity in my journals, the hours we spent in the basement will not be elaborated upon, but I will say that Fluttershy’s tongue was not as refined as Celestia’s. I also learned that she needed to be told multiple times for something to stick and I... I may or may not have faked an orgasm so she’d just stop. I also may or may not have felt terrible about hypothetically faking said orgasm, but if I had faked an orgasm, it would’ve been because I was miserable and uncomfortable. Still, if I had faked it then it would have been nicer than just telling Fluttershy that she couldn’t take a fucking hint and had turned me off mere minutes after getting started. I could hardly feel guilty since I’d known the lack of arousal would hurt her feeling, but then again the truth is that at least one of us came. If one of us got off, then it was worth it to me.

Thoroughly disappointed from the romp I didn’t get coerced into as a woman, I carried the snoozing form of Fluttershy into the living room and tucked her in before I headed home. Walking in the door had me seeing Lupa relaxing on my couch, but she turned and looked at me before opening her mouth to bark her bloody head off, just without saying anything. “Oi! Shut up, you noisy mutt! God, it’s like we’ve never met or something.

Lupa paused for a moment before she continued. “Stupid Two-Leg! If you don’t get out of here, I’m going to rip your limbs off!”

I gave her a look. “I appreciate you protecting our home and all, but I live here too, cunt.”

“What part of leave-”

“What part of I live here!? God-damn, are you choosing to be dense or something?”

My pupper stared at me. “... You directly resp- Max?”

“Yeah. Look good, don’t I?” I did a little twirl for shits and giggles

Lupa cocked her head and approached me, sniffing my pyjamas. “You don’t smell like Max.”

“But I understand you, I’m Human, I have green eyes, apparently smell like cherries-”

Lupa snorted. “Magic is nonsense. Master, why are you a bitch?”

“Because that’s the female equivalent of an arsehole, which I am.”

“... I will never understand some of your Two-Leg sayings.”

“And I will never understand why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch or why dolphins try to fuck people.”

“... What is a- You know what? My curiosity is likely the least keen aspect of myself.”

“Yeah, it’s not like your butter-sharp wit at all.” I nodded.

“Yes, I ate the rest of your butter.”

“What?”

“I like butter.”

“I- I didn’t even know I had butter. You mean the butter in the jar, or…?”

“The butter that you eat from the thing.”

“Oh, that’s fi-” It struck me that she was talking about my fucking almond butter. “Oi! You fuckin’ skitebird!”

She snorted and went back to her couch, leaving me to grab my journals and catch them up while being fine. Lupa actually got up and asked since I was giving her the cold shoulder, but I kept telling her nothing was wrong. In any case, a lot had happened last night, so I tried to pare everything down so that it was just the interesting bits and the stuff that stuck out, but it was a little difficult. When I had everything I wanted to say written down, I switched gears and started looking through the bags of clothes that I had dropped off in my guest room, settling on a loose indigo top and some black trousers. After finishing up in the shower, I applied some delicious chap stick that I really didn’t need and asked Lupa if she had made anything for lunch and she said that she did not, confused as to how she even would. That didn’t make me any happier with her, so I told Lupa that she needed to start pulling her weight around the house and she just tilted her head at me. I went into town by myself, which was just fine. I wasn’t hurt or anything. Not even the slightest bit offended. Nope, not mad at all. I’d been acting strange long before I left and Lupa asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine. She apologized for like, the first time ever and I cracked the fuck up on the inside, having been taking the piss the entire time. The fun part was that Lupa would’ve seen straight through it if I was male.

Being a woman is fun sometimes.

With Lupa in the metaphorical doghouse, I happily took my time going into Ponyville. I was just thrilled that I wasn’t the one in trouble for once. Seeing as how I’m often being blamed for doing things that are usually justifiable, it was nice to be the one someone was in trouble with, rather than being the person in the hotseat myself. I briefly wondered if my new female powers would allow me to put Celestia in check, so I decided to try the next time I saw her. Once I actually got into town, I headed toward the direction of the park because there was a small shop that was basically an Equestrian deli that served ice cream and cheap soups, sandwiches, and whatnot. Pelli Melli’s wasn’t a place I’d gone before, but I remembered someone mentioning that their sup was fantastic and wanted to try for myself.

I stopped in the shop and the cashier was one of the few males I’d seen in town. There were aisles of goods that actually had a self life while the perishables were in a display case, but I wasn’t really there for the former. The sandwiches in the cases, however, had me incredibly hungry, and when I asked, I learned that they were cool enough to deep fry all sorts of things. The clerk’s wife was actually Pelli Melli and she was a delightful gal that kept my attention for all the right reasons. Her light Italian accent had given me an impression of drugs possibly being peddled through her shop, but I had to acknowledge that it was a racist thought and prejudice. After all, the woman was Equestrian and she’d been sharp with me because I’d been chatting with her husband while cheesing my arse off. When she found out that I was just happy for the tasty things they could feed me, the madwoman asked if I’d tried fried cookies and thus began two hours of me shoving money at these people for being amazing.

I left with a malty tea that also had a touch of spice to it, and I had to say that the mouth-feel of the beverage was phenomenal. On my way to the park, I seldom sipped and savoured the sweet, slightly spiked tea, enjoying it as I went along. It was at the park that I met the Gryphon that had been staying in town. She was sitting on a bench in the, glaring at every Pony that passed her. I decided to take up the spot next to her. She glared at me, but I didn’t give a shit. My feet were hurting due to the fact I’d forgotten to put on socks since I never saw girls wearing them with flats, but then I remembered that there were no-show socks for them. Too little, too late.

In any case, I sipped the last of my drink. “Damn, that was good. Lovely day, init?” I asked conversationally.

“Dude, the thermals are complete shit today and there aren’t even any clouds to do anything with. What’s so good about today?” She grumbled.

“If you’d get your head out of your arse you might notice that it’s a good day to do some cardio other than flying.”

“What did you just say to me?” She asked.

“Hm? Are you deaf or retarded? Maybe you’ve got a feather in your ear.”

“Look, I already don’t like you. Get lost.”

“It’s a public bench and it’s considerably easier for you to leave than it is for me. I have to painstakingly pound the ground to get anywhere while you can just flitter and flutter away without a cock in a hole.” She choked. “Wait, I meant ‘care in the world’, but meh.”

The nameless Gryphon then started cracking up. “Okay, you know I can ruin that pretty little face of yours, right?”

“I hope you have lips under that beak ‘cause I can sure as fuck rip it off ya.”

She laughed harder and extended a closed fist. “Gilda.”

I took it in my and shook it. “Roxanne, but everyone I like calls me Roxy.”

She huffed and shook her head at my brilliance.“Is that because you don’t like people who call you Roxanne?”

“Got it in one. You might not be as retarded as I thought you were.” I said with a half smile.

Gilda chuckled. “You know, you never find someone who fights back in Equestria. Most of the Ponies around here just take whatever you dump on them and scurry away like some cowardly mice or something, but you’ve got some bite to you.”

“I’m not exactly a Pony and I’m not from around here. I’m willing to bet that you’re not from here either.”

“You’d win that bet if everyone didn’t already know that Gryphons come from Gryphonia. And you called me retarded.”

“Bitch, I’m from another world. The only things I know about this planet I learned from a crash course that skipped over a lot of stuff.”

“Hey, take it easy! No need to go aggro on me.” Gilda said.

“I wasn’t. Sorry, bit of a cultural difference.”

“Ah, no worries. We actually kinda jab like you do back in Gryphonia, but my parents are ex-pats. Adolf the asshole and all that.”

I raised my brows, surprised to find a refugee from the former King’s regime in Equestria. “Hm? I thought the Queen of Gryphonia was Ellifrie or something.”

“Elfriede, and oh my stars above~” Gilda clasped her talons over her breast. “The things I would do to rub her paws! That mollyhen is something else entirely!”

I chuckled, amused at the fact that people worshipped people I slept with. “So she really is an improvement over her husband?”

“And she’s the perfect milf!”

I burst out laughing at that. “Well, if it wasn’t for the beaks then I might be a little excited about that.” Gilda gave me a look and held her hand out, so put mine over it.

She grabbed my hand like she was trying to cut me, but her talons were smooth and dull. “We don’t need kisses when a little gesture still speaks louder than works.”

“Fair enough. Do you think your Queen-”

“Oh, no way in Tartarus. That woman is a spinster and was while married too. She’s just awesome and super cool, y’know?”

“Yeah, kinda how like Princess Luna almost kicked my head off for flirting with her.”

“... What.”

“In my defense, I didn’t know she was wearing a legit tiara thing and she’s cute.” I shrugged.

“You don’t make good decisions, do you?”

“Oi, I resemble that statement! I came out here for a good time and to slurp my sips and I’m just honestly feeling so very attacked right now.” I sighed. “Guess I’ll just have to go home and nap”

Gilda didn’t understand the feeling, but she got the gist of the idea. She actually turned out to be half decent once you could get past her shitty first impression, and I found out that the reason she was so cross while doing nothing was because she’d been searching for a Pegasus friend that hadn’t surfaced while she’d been in town. Gilda told me that she knew her friend was here and had even dropped by where they were supposed to live yesterday, but couldn’t find them. I didn’t bother asking who she was looking for since it didn’t really concern me, but I did wish her luck in finding her pal.

We talked for a while longer and I told Gilda about some of my exploits that couldn’t be traced back to ‘Max’, and she told me of just about every scrap she’s had. I’m all for a good fight, but this girl was head over heels for the adrenaline rush that came with challenging someone bigger or stronger than herself. I also picked up that she was a bit of a bully from the way she talked about Ponies. Every time she mentioned them, she had to add in that she either insulted or pushed someone around, which I found to be very alienating. It’s one thing to burn away at someone’s self-esteem with sarcasm and jibes, but it's another thing entirely to physically mess with a person. I didn’t even really think that being verbally mean was terribly admissible, but it was far more innocent than beating someone up for the fun of it, and I let Gilda know my firm stance on that, which ended with me being called a ‘weak ass pansy’. I’d rather be a fucking pansy than a shitty person. I mean, I’m a shitty person already, granted, but at least I wasn’t going to torture someone for no reason. Gilda left before I could, though I was preparing to get the hell away from her when she did. I may have been on good terms with Gilda when she left, but by no means was that twat any closer to being my friend than when we had first met. I could excuse some harsh language, but the woman was actively mean for no reason, and that just wasn’t something I wanted to associate myself with, momentary persona change withstanding.

Once I’d had my fill of the park, I went to check my pocket watch to see the time and realized that I had hidden it in my house so that I wouldn’t have my cover blown by carrying it around with me. With only the Sun as my clock, I fucked around and went to see what all I could do while I was in town. I thought about it and decided that I needed some soap, but couldn’t think of anything that would suit me, so I wandered through the town’s general store and sniffed everything. I was thoroughly anosmic by the time I was finished, and wasn’t much closer to finding a suitable scent until I asked the clerk at the counter if she thought anything smelled like how I look. It was an odd question, but the results were perfect. The woman presented an expensive bottle of sacred lotus soap that was simply divine, and a bottle of perfume that matched it closely enough. Surprisingly, the two together ended up costing me about forty bits, which was considerably more expensive than any other combination in the store by about fifteen bits. It’s not like money was an issue or anything, but I still would have preferred spending less even though I was satisfied with my purchase. When you grow up broke, it’s hard to throw money away when you know there’s a better bargain out there.

I took my shit home and showered again because I fucking can, don’t tell me what to do with my life. Lupa approved of my new scent, and I was feeling whimsical enough to go out and see what the girls thought about it until I realized that it had only been about seven hours since I’d left Twilight’s, and that the girls were most likely still catching up on their sleep. I had nothing better to do anyway, so I took my happy arse to bed after doping myself up enough to actually be able to get some rest. I was dawning on the fifth day of my time as a woman and I was supposed to be turning back into a man soon from what Celestia had said. However, I was tired of being a woman and the only thing that really got me to finally rest and relax was getting off with my own hands.

I woke up early the next day, but then again I’d slept longer than I usually did. I any case, I fucked off over to Twilight’s because I wanted to tease her and see if I could steal a smooch. When I got there, I knocked because I’m a polite person and polite people knock before they just up and enter someone’s house. When I got no response, I waffled between letting myself in and going to go bother someone else. After the brain told me to go with old reliable, I entered without breaking anything and scared the shit out of Spike.

“Whoa! Hey Roxy.”

“Sup, Spike? Is Purple Nurple awake yet?”

Spike chuckled and said, “Oh, she never wakes up this earl...”

I waved when he trailed off. “Hullo? You were saying?”

A blush creept across his scales. “I- uh- er… I’m sorry, what was the question?”

I crossed my arms and lifted a brow. “I don’t really have one. I was just asking you to continue what you were saying.”

“Um… I forgot?”

I smiled and chuckled. “It always happens at the worst times, doesn’t it? You know, Twilight talked a lot about you yesterday. I feel like I already kind of know you, like you’re a little brother or something already.”

Spike face fell so hard I almost felt bad. “Right. I hear that a lot.”

“Girl troubles?” I asked.

His blush grew. “Maybe…”

I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Chin up, sport. Maybe crushing on your big sister’s friends isn’t the best idea?”

“W-Well it’s not like I can help it!” He protested. “It’s not my fault Twilight keeps having hot friends!” His eyes widened when he realized what he’d said and his hands clamped over his mouth.

I didn’t bother holding back the grin that came to my face, though I made sure to give it the proper amount of energy. “Thanks, kiddo, but I’m out of your league, too old for you, and on your team, though not necessarily in that order. “

Spike took his hands away from his mouth and gave me a confused look. “What does that mean?”

“What does what mean, dearie?” I choked out. Calling another man ‘dearie’ left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“That you’re out of my league.”

“Oh. It means we’re on different levels. When I say it, I mean that I’m not worth the heartache.” And I’d feel terrible on a lot of levels if someone like you ever ended up with someone somewhat like me.

“Oh… What do you mean when you say you’re on my team?”

“That means that I like girls, just like you.” Spike looked down and then at his tail, “I don’t mean you’re a girl, I mean that we both like girls.”

“Ah, that makes more sense.” He said.

I nodded and patted his head patronizingly. “Of course, young padawan. That was the point.”

“What’s a padawan?”

“Don’t think about it too hard. In the meantime, why don’t you try crushing on some girls your age, Spike? There ought to be plenty around to choose from here in Ponyville.”

“There are, I just don’t know any of them and the ones I do know are related to Twilight’s friends!”

“Hm. How many guys your age do you know?”

“... I don’t like that question and I don’t know why.”

It didn’t take me long to think of something. Looking Spike in the eye and seeing that he was embarrassed and uncomfortable made my heart hurt, and I knew that he didn’t know how to disengage from the conversation to save what face he could. I didn't want Spike to continue to be nearly friendless on top of mildly socially awkward and I knew there were ways I could help him. Twilight never really listened whenever I mentioned introducing Spike to Dragons or really getting him some friends, but everyone seemed to like Roxy. I was willing to bet that my fact-finding operation could be used to help people too, and with that I resolved to get Spike on the right track to becoming cool.

“You know what, kiddo?”

Spike sighed harder than I thought he should’ve. “What?”

“I think we’ll get you a girlfriend some time. For now, however, we’re going to talk to Twilight.”

“We’ve only been talking for a few minutes.” He protested. “She’s not going to be awake yet.”

“Then I suppose that we’ll have to find something to do to fill the time, now won’t we?” I responded.

“... Like what?”

“...Is there a place to get a smoothie around here?”

Spike groaned. “You’re not going to give me bad news, are you?”

I cocked my head. “No. What makes you ask that?”

“The last time a Human took me to get a smoothie he told me some stuff that I needed to know but didn’t really want to hear. I need to thank Max for letting me know that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity some time. I guess knowing that she wasn’t interested beforehand softened that blow.”

I gave him a one armed hug. “It’s never easy to get rejected, but I’m glad you’re over it.”

“Who said I was? I still like Rarity, I just know that it’s not going anywhere now.” He shrugged. “It’s kinda disappointing, but I get it. Like you said, all of Twilight’s friends are too old for me, and honestly, the more I see the different parts of Rarity for what they are, the less pretty she is.”

“Well, Pinkie Pie is mentally younger than you, so you could probably try her.” He blanched. “Right. I’m just saying, though. If you wanted to practice getting used to crazy, Pinkie Pie is your best bet.”

“I think I’m good. No offence to Pinkie, but she kinda scares me sometimes.”

“I feel the same way, actually. That girl is a little terrifying. I don’t understand how she breaks the laws of reality, and I never want to, but I do know that she’s mostly harmless.”

“Mostly.” He scoffed.

“Speaking of mostly, I’m kind of feeling hot chocolate today. Bit nippy, init?”

“Isn’t it.”

“... Mate, I’ll fuckin’ deck you.” Spike’s eyes widened. “Okay, I was kidding, but still. It’s just slang.”

“... So you’re not gonna hit me, right?”

I seized the topmost spine on his head and started making him tilt to and fro. “Oh wow, I practically control your whole head with this thing.”

“Can you stop?”

“Do you want hot chocolate?” I tapped the bony thing a couple of times and rubbed it for a moment. It felt incredibly interesting with its minute ridges and cool smoothness.

“I’ll make it if you stop messing with my spikes.”

“More like-”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Spikes? Yeah, I know.”

“Prickly, aren’t we?” I grinned and bit my tongue.

Spike knew I didn’t mean any harm, but even then he was cooler about the teasing than he’d ever been when I was a guy. “Ha ha, you’re a riot.”

He walked back into the kitchen and I followed along, though he did mention that it was odd to have hot chocolate for breakfast. It made me ask if he ever got chocolate milk and he ceded the point altogether. I was glad that I had probably just saved the guy from certain embarrassment that admittedly would have been induced by me, myself, and Roxy, but now that I actually paid attention to my plan, there was no way that it could have possibly worked out. Even if we did somehow manage to talk a girl into a relationship of any kind with him, even then he would have been a socially awkward near stranger to them, so that probably wouldn’t have ended well. While I was speculating upon just what the bloody fuck I had been thinking, I realized something: The extra X chromosome was impairing my judgement.

I made sure to rethink any thoughts that would affect someone else from then on so I wouldn’t have the same lapse in judgement. It was awfully surprising, but my anecdotal, extremely narrow evidence pointed toward women being retarded by genetics rather than any cause of their own. My super scientific revelation was so amazing, so I went into the library and got my note jotted down, using Spike to send it off to Celestia. He didn’t know how I knew her and didn’t ask, but it was nice that he liked me enough to do it anyway She wrote back and told me that I was the most loquacious simpleton she’d ever met and that if I actually believed it, then she would spank me harder.

I took it as a compliment to my character.

In the meantime, I sat around and talked to Spike about the finer points of talking to women, like paying attention to every detail while not appearing to do so. It’s a tricky art since you have to be obviously paying attention, but you can’t be staring holes into her head as she speaks. I helped him practice keeping his poker face on during a boring, rambling conversation while being expected to respond occasionally. He actually did pretty well since he had some practice with females in general, but I caught him zoning out and staring off into space more than a few times once I got off on a good tangent and was quick to correct him. With me not putting any effort into keeping a story in order or connecting the events, I knew that it was a spaghetti mess that Spike had no hope of understanding without time around the locals. With a little elbow grease, he was coming along nicely. Twilight was surprised to find that I was in her house again when I’d disappeared before everyone woke up the day before.

… It was hard to tell her that I wasn’t fucked up enough to go to sleep, so I didn’t. Without someone around to keep me company or otherwise distract me from the shite that isn’t my body, it was kind of hard to not be constantly uncomfortable. Drinking numbed me out and smoking soothed the general disquietude, but there wasn’t anything like being around my friends when… Well, I guess when I was undercover. I kind of felt like I was on a different kind of mission and that the information I was collecting happened to be vital to my operation, and in a certain light, all of that was true. However, I was growing more and more antsy as the week was closing in and I wondered if I should spend the next two days in my house, just in case I changed back out of nowhere and embarrassed myself. That made me realize that I didn’t have much more time to spend with the gals as an insider and made me certain that I was going to have to come clean unless I wanted them to take everything out of context.

With my time limit on my mind, I asked if I could have a word in private with Twilight and she brought me to her balcony. “So what did you want to talk about, Roxy?” She asked.

“I wanted to talk to you about Spike. I know it's kinda overstepping my boundaries, and it's really none of my business, but I truly do believe that the kid needs to get out more. Just from the way he acts, I don’t think he’s used to being around anyone male or around his age. I don’t know what it’s like in Equestria, but on Earth, a guy needs a proper role model to show him what it is to be a man.”

Twilight looked at me in shock. “I-I never thought about it like that... I guess I always…”

“You always what, Twilight?”

Twilight blushed furiously, her eyes off in the distance. At first glance I had thought she was embarrassed, but upon further inspection, I saw a certain slump to her shoulders, the slight downward curve of her mouth. Twilight was feeling shame and guilt over something, but she wasn’t going to crack unless I played my cards just right. As my girlfriend and one of my favoured people on the planet, I owed Twilight some of the compassion and understanding she’d shown me, so I thought of how to be as sweet as possible while still being honest and true to myself. For some reason, the sugar sluiced and it wasn’t because I put effort into it.

“Look, Twilight, I won’t judge you for anything you have to say. From the time I’ve spent with you so far, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good picture of your character and I like what I see. I wouldn’t tease you if I didn’t like you, and I wouldn’t flirt with you if there wasn’t something in that purple little person in front of me that I’d like to see more of. Learning something new about you won’t tarnish the impression you’ve already left on me.” I said with utterly false sincerity. I was going to judge the fuck out of Twilight, but that doesn’t mean I had to be mean about it unless it was that kind of critical news.

She chewed her lip. “... Do you swear to keep it a secret?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. The needle is optional, you can use whatever sharp instrument you desire after my demise.”

“... Max said that was a lot more brutal in your world.” She shook her head. “I just sort of realized that… That I think of Spike as a little brother, but he started out as a… Well, you have to understand that I hatched him from an egg! I raised him until he could walk on two legs, and I knew that he would learn to talk, but it was just easier to see him as a- a pet!” Twilight confessed. “I just feel so terrible for thinking of him as a lesser creature all this time!”

I crossed my arms and gave her a stern look, my tone cold enough to freeze oxygen and hard enough to pierce through her derp. “Did it stop you from providing for him or looking after him? Did it stop you from caring for him and thinking of him as a brother? Did it stop you from loving him?”

Twilight was taken aback by my tone. “W-Well, n-no…”

“Then why are you beating yourself up over something that hasn’t been a problem? Yes it's bad that you kinda thought of Spike as a pet, but I don’t think you’re the type of gal who is just going to dwell on it without doing anything, are you?”

The sun was shining, but deer usually freeze in directed light. Apparently Ponies clam up with the ambient stuff. “I-I don’t know!”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on sweetie, take a deep breath and stop panicking. Think.”

Twilight looked straight into my eyes and followed my instructions. It took her a moment, but she still said, “I’m being so hard on myself because I love Spike, and I hate that I let myself think of my number one assistant as pet on any level for any period of time.” She clenched her fist. “And you’re right!” “I’m not going to let it get me down, and I’m going to start making sure that Spike has what he needs to develop into a healthy stallion!”

I took both of Twilight’s hands in my own and gave her a thousand watt smile. “Brilliant! I hope you know that I’m ready to lend a hand in whatever way I can, just name it!” As quickly as this Roxy thing is coming to an end, anyway`

I had grown quite close to the girls all over again, learned some interesting secrets, found out what they really thought of me, and fucked Fluttershy in a different body, all of which I considered quite the net positive. Five days, and I had made more progress than I had in an entire month. I tried to look at the possible reason, but it twinged a bit to face the truth. My sex and my blunt honesty had roughly forged out a lasting friendship with the girls, but, in certain ways, less than a week as Roxy had made me privvy to so many aspects of the girl’s lives. Things that I had been completely unaware of that I could argue against myself for hours about which version of myself could manage to form a better bond over time. As Max, they knew me as a prickly, yet generous and thoughtful guy, but as Roxy, I had painted myself as a supportive influence with a different take on their lives, though I had a foul mouth on occasion. With practice, I could iron it out, but that just added to the issue. I had ‘made’ Roxy in a way that would allow me to befriend and help them, but I’d had no idea that I would be accepted so quickly. Roxy was a good friend who didn’t take things personally, who didn’t take jokes too far, who was keen to have fun, and was one of the girls already. Plus it didn’t hurt that the girls never took my words out of context. Max, on the other hand, was ‘insufferable’ half the time, took a lot of shit a little too seriously, I was working on the joke thing, but I never actually went out and did anything with all of the girls like I had as Roxy. I’d spent time with each of them individually, but the only times I’d had them all together was when there was bad news and I needed to change that.

No, I couldn’t allow Roxy to be just a fact-finding operation. She would become one of my most closely guarded secrets, and I would ask Celestia and Luna to keep it hush hush themselves. I’ve already said that I believed this to be an opportunity to help my friends, but it was also an opportunity to learn how to be a better one in kind. While that meant that I was going to be considerably faker as a person, I didn’t (and still don’t) really care what I was going to do in the future, but I did hope that through making life slightly better for my friends, I might find some sort of passion. For all the smiles and laughs I had faked since I’d become female, it did stir something within me and that feeling was addictive. I’d already gotten so used to the neutral calm that had come after killing Adolf that life had become bland, which was the reason I hadn’t just holed up in my house after sending notes to all of the girls explaining away a week’s absence. When I looked at the big picture, I saw that the method I was using was a pretty devious way of becoming the better man I’d once wanted to be.

I would say that it’s dishonorable to lie to your friends, create a whole other identity, and use what you learned through dishonest means to alter the way you treated them. Then again, I would argue that the ends justify the means when it comes to making someone else’s life better, even if it’s only during the time they spend in your company. Obviously, I leaned toward the more altruistic route since I remembered that I had morals. Deep in thought for an awkward amount of time, Twilight had resorted to waving a hand in front of my face to get my attention and I started, my face flushing after being so engrossed in my own mind.

“Sorry! I just get so caught up in my head, it’s like I just wander off sometimes.”

Twilight touched my arm and gave me a reassuring smile. “Trust me when I say it’s fine. It happens to me all the time when I think of something important. Care to share?”

I bit my lip and twisted my thoughts around to make it sound good, using truth to give it that tell-tale ring. “I was just thinking about how nice you and the girls have been to me, despite me being a near stranger. I… It’s just been an amazing, eye-opening affair. I just know that I’ll remember these days for the rest of my life.” I looked out over Ponyville and drew a single tear for dramatic effect. “These days…They’ve shown me more than I ever though to look for, and I think I might have to ‘share’ some of these findings with Max.”

Twilight smiled tenderly, seeming ready to hear what I had to say while still appearing a little uneasy. “I know we’ll never forget you either, Roxy, but… What were the air-quotes for?”

“Max already knows everything that’s happened so far. He’s jealous of me.”

My girlfriend hugged me without knowing who I really was, but when I hugged her back, a piece of me ached a little knowing that Roxy wouldn’t be around long. “... I hope he doesn’t stay jealous too long. I love Max, but I don’t think he feels loved.”

I rubbed her back for a second and we let go at the same time. “I think he feels a little more loved than you might know. That being said, is there anything you want to talk about?”

She didn’t have an immediate answer, but instead chose to think about it and settled an idea whether or not I could help Spike man-up a little. I didn’t think Roxy was the right person for the job, though I was fine with helping Twilight find a proper mentor. My first thought was Onyx Lock since he wasn’t fucking retarded like most of the other males in Ponyville, but I settled for asking if there were any brothers in the group that might be willing to give Spike some positive influence. ‘Max’ was on the list of possible role models, but since ‘Max’ was absent, it would have to wait until ‘he’ returned. Twilight was pretty unsure about what ‘Max’ could do that Macintosh couldn’t, but she gave in when I argued that it would be best for Spike to have as many influences as possible. I had to be careful about how I set things up for myself, but it was only a little short term planning, and I could keep an eye on things for the next two days, just in case something goes-

Fucking…

An Equuisian week is nine days

I constantly forget because it never matters

Welp. There goes my good mood. In any case, Twilight and I got things squared away, so we went back inside to give Spike the good news. I told her that we would leave out the part about her thinking of him as a pet because that would just needlessly hurt Spike, and that was pretty much the exact opposite of what we were trying to do. Instead of bitching at me about how that was a lie by omission, Twilight went along with it like I had just told her the sky was blue, and I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated that as Roxy, my words were taken correctly and most missteps I make to help people were either ignored or accepted. Salt. Salt life.

I ignored my rising salinity levels and focused on finding Spike. Twilight and I searched around for a few minutes, but he was nowhere to be seen and Twilight was a little worried, understandably enough. Of course I knew where Spike’s favourite nap spot was, but I couldn’t expose him in good faith. The guy had already gone a few years without Twilight’s Dad to provide some guidance for him; a few more days wouldn’t hurt too much. That pleasant little thought disappeared while I was in the loo. I was having a seat when a gout of green flame scared the shite of me and a letter dropped on my lap. I opened it as one tends to do with letters and notes that are in an envelope and I was suddenly very happy that I had been in private when I hadrecieved it.

The note read as follows: “Dear Max. Hey dude, it’s Spike. I know that it’s been awhile since we hung out, but I miss you. I never really thought about how much I liked having you around and after the thing with Rarity…”

He’d scratched through some words, making them illegible. He picked up a little further down the page. “I forgave you for throwing a rock at me, and I wasn’t ever really all that mad at you in the first place, but I was just so upset that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity that I took it out on you. That was really unfair of me. You were just trying to help me out, but I had to meet someone to help me see that. I think you know Roxxie-” I looked at his note and scrunched my face up. That’s not how you spell it. “-already, but I don’t think you two got to spend much time together. I don’t really know her that well, but she kinda reminds me of you, but nicer. Anyway… Thank you, Max, and I’m… I’m sorry.”

Spike had scribbled some more things out, making the page look like it was a classified document. I rolled my eyes and read on. “Look, I’m not good with words like you and I’m not smart like Twilight, it’s just… I just wanted to say… I don’t know. I guess I kinda look up to you. I mean, I don’t think you’re awesome like Rainbow, but you’re still cool, and you’re not smart like Twilight, but you’re still pretty knowledgeable about a lot of stuff. You just are who you are, and I admire that, dude. I wish I had the confidence to just be me, but I… I never feel like I’m good enough. It always feels like there’s somepony better than me, and I feel so useless… Everywhere I go, I’m just the tagalong; the pity invite... But you… You always come out on top, dude. I just… I don’t know. Can we talk when you get back? I know you’re on business, so you must be busy, but I need to talk to a guy.”

Spike had blacked out another line and just ended his letter. My Dragonfire was at my house, so I couldn’t very well send a message to him now, but my little friend needed me to get a response to him as soon as possible. I finished up in the loo and excused myself from Twilight’s house. After a quick little walk back to my house, I got a note jotted down for Spike and sent it along with a letter explaining the gist my plans to Celestia. She sent me back a confirmation and a picture of a smiley face which was code for her approving my actions, despite not having the time to give me actual praise. I didn’t see the smiley face often. Since I didn’t have anything to do after the notes were sent, I went back to Twilight’s house to find that Rarity and Fluttershy were there, though they were leaving left just as I came. I gave Rarity a hug when she passed because Roxy doesn’t have a problem with her, but Fluttershy dodged me entirely. I rather wished that she hadn’t done that,seeing as how it meant that I was going to have a touchy-feely talk with her now, but at least it was another chance to do some good, at least. Optimism in the face of tedium never lasts long, and within the few minutes that it took for me to find Twilight, all of it was gone.

I sat and talked to Twilight for a while longer to see if she had put any more thought into our plans for Spike. As it turned out, she did, and those plans involved me. Twilight wanted either myself or Applejack to supervise Spike’s time under Macintosh’s, Mr. Cake’s, or ‘Max’s’ care. It was easy to change Twilight’s with a stern look. “That’s not going to work out, sweetie. I know you’d like to keep Spike under watch so you can keep him safe and see his progress, but the nature of what we’re doing just won’t allow for a female to be directly involved or to even really be around. Men find it easier to express themselves when they’re alone with each other. That’s when the cracks start to spread and you get to the good stuff.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “I don’t really know much about what guys do when they’re not around so I’m kind of leaning on your expertise here, but I don’t even know where your information is coming from.”

I switched tactics and gave Twilight a reassuring smile. “It’s coming from my brother and my dad. Before I started developing, I spent most of my time with them, so in a way I’m kinda split between the woman I know I should be and the man I spent my childhood being raised toward.”

Twilight’s heart went to her chest and she smiled. “That’s good to hear-”

“My mild identity crisis is good news?” I chuckled.

She blushed hard and waved her hands about. “T-That’s not what I meant!”

“I know, sweetie. I’m just messing with you. Please, continue.

Twilight stuck her tongue out at me adorably. “As I was saying, I’m glad that you have experience in the field, though I didn’t think about the repercussions you’d be facing because of it. It must be hard, thinking like a stallion, yet being interested in them.”

I gave her an odd look. “... Twilight, you know for a fact that I’m gay...”

Twilight blushed brightly. “Oh. Right.”

“Fuckin’ Jesus, you are a cute little ball of goof, aren’t you?” I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

Things suddenly got awkward when Twilight decided for herself that I was going to jump her bones out of nowhere. Her body language closed off over the course of a few seconds, though I doubted she was even aware of it. “Ha ha, th-thanks… Um, I’m-”

“Look, Twilight, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that you have to be worried. You don’t give me the vibe, so I’m not exactly going to come after you if I know you aren’t interested.”

“N-No! That’s not it, it’s just that… Well…”

“Take your time, sweetie.”

Twilight took a calming breath. “Thank you. It’s just that… Well, I thought you were joking because you were flirting with me…”

I raised a brow. “Well, I was mostly just teasing, but you are a lovely gal and cute to boot. I mean, Max already has Fluttershy, so-”

Twilight’s alarm practically slapped me across the face. “B-But he’s dating me too!”

“... A-Are you- Chea- Twi- Twilight Sparkle!” She leaned back. “How many of you is Max dating!?”

“U-Um… Just me, Fluttershy, and Princess-”

“Princess. Princess?”

“... Yes?”

I stared at her because the fact that it was all true still kind of bothered me a bit, but I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t love my most normal lovers more than the royal one. “... So Max isn’t just two-timing you, he’s like… Three-timing you!” I heard the door chime from the front of the Treebrary

“... What?”

“What country are you from?”

“Equestria.”

“That’s a very fair point, but is your kind of relationship normal or…?”

“What do you mean?”

“One guy dating multiple women.”

“Oh, it’s pretty normal. Some mares date a lot of guys in male heavy towns too.”

“I see. So… What if you dated Max and a mare?”

“I could, but I don’t really know anyone I’d want to date besides Max.”

It was a gilded compliment, but the gold came in the form of little nettles that poked my hands while I tried to figure out whether Roxy was offended or if Max was elated. “... That’s so incredibly sweet, I don’t know what to say.”

“Hm? What’s sweet?”

“You, you little tart. You are the sweetest thing since Bundt cake quim.” Which reminds me that I don’t want to talk to Fluttershy since she’s being weird.

“I don’t know what quim is, but I like Bundt cake! Speaking of cake, would you like some? I think Spike made one yesterday while you were gone, there might be some left.”

“Can we skip that and have a cup of tea?” Please tell me you have wee-

“Oh, we could smoke if you want. Max gave me a lot of Night Cap and I know you like it.”

Holy shit, there is a God. “That sounds lovely. A little tea, a little toke, and a little lady to share both with.” I smiled at her, but the way Twilight smiled back made me a little less cheery.

“Little, huh?”

“... Okay, I get that I’m shorter than you-”

“And slimmer.”

“Not by a full grain of sand on either account,” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I’ll be taller than you by the time I stop growing.”

Twilight blinked. “You’re still growing?”

“No. Wanna go get tea?”

And so we did indeed get tea and it was actually pretty nice since Spike had a moment to share with us. The company was nice and all, but when we started smoking, I passed out where I was sitting and Twilight woke me only to offer to send me home with Magic. I didn’t remember ever having been teleported anywhere and wasn’t fond of doing it across town since it was supposed to be hard, but Twilight was adamant that even if I didn’t trust magic, that I could trust her. IT was a lesson in just how deep Twilight’s derp goes, but she’s still a beautiful heart and soul that I’d rather have happy. When I gave in, her horn glowed and one soft pop later I was back in my living room.

After catching up my journals and getting something to eat, I settled down on the couch with Lupa and soaked up the sweet, sweet silence. I had been bored enough earlier that I wanted nothing more than to talk to someone, but now, I wanted nothing more than what I had. A nice, quiet night with my overgrown dog. It was nice, not having to open my mouth to do anything other than sigh. I slept long and hard, only waking up after I had someone knock on the goddamn door for like five minutes straight. I threw on a robe, didn’t bother with my hair, and went to go see who was trying to see me.

There stood someone buttery at my door, so I said, “Hullo, Fluttershy. Care to come in?”

“I-If you don’t mind.” She said with a little smile.

I stepped out of the way and claimed my easy chair as my own since thinking that someone was going to recognize me because of my seat choice would’ve been stupid. Once we got settled, I spoke first. “So what brings you over? I can’t imagine that I’m magnetically cute.”

Fluttershy blushed. “D-Don’t say that! You’re really cute!”

“Thank you Fluttershy, but if we were to stand next to each other holding up a sign that says ‘Available’, you’d get picked every time.” I told her with a grin.

“That’s not true!”

I shrugged. “You’re probably right. Different strokes for different blokes and all that. Is my lack of self-esteem why you’re here?” Ow, why did I hurt my own feelings?

She clasped her hands together. “W-Well, no… I wanted to talk about what happened at the slumber party…”

I’d figured as much and was just as eager to enter that particular conversation as I’d been earlier. “Then let’s talk. I had fun.”

“S-So did I, it’s just that… Well, I was just wondering…”

I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole, so I waited patiently, but she never finished. “You were wondering…?” I asked.

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you would mind doing it again sometime!” She whisper-shouted.

I blinked. “Are you asking me to be your friend with benefits?”

She lit up bright red. “W-W-Well…”

“Then yes. Sounds like fun to me.” I smiled at her. “Breathe easy, sweetie, no need to stress.”

Fluttershy wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. “Right. Thank you Roxy!”

Better thank me, you limp-tongued twat-waffle. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I think I might be getting the best of the deal here.”

“What do you mean?” She asked, befuddled.

“I mean you’re a perfect ten, and I’m like, a six on a particularly good day with makeup and a nice, skimpy dress. And some tissue in the bra, but I know A-cups that get around as B-cups just fine and no one ever says nothing to them.” I crossed my arms and smirked. “Damn, I do love not being an A-cup.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t say such bad things about yourself! Is that what ponies say to you?”

“In England? Yeah, some people say that kinda stuff to me, but it’s not like it’s untrue. I look at myself realistically, sweetie. I know I’m not the best, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy being me. You think I’m getting down on myself, but I’m just keeping my ego in check since I don’t have my buddies around to knock me off my high horse.”

“...Your friends tear you down like that?”

I thought about it for a moment. Back in England, that was the case. My friends and I were constantly insulting each other in one way or another, granted that my sample size was small. Even the original Max and I had traded barbs just for the Hell of it when the night ran long. “Well... Yeah.” I answered. “That’s just what friends did.”

“That’s terrible! How could you say things like that to ponies you like?”

“Because we know we don’t really mean it. It’s a bit of a social grace to be able to tell when someone’s messing with you.”

“But why insult each other at all? Why not just be nice?”

I shrugged and spread my hands. “That’s just not how Humans work, sweetie.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It just doesn’t make any sense to me, but at least I know for sure that Max was telling the truth about your world.”

“Anything else you want to confirm?”

“W-Well, no, but I was wondering if you wanted to… Well…”

Fluttershy wasn’t any better the second time around, but c’est la vie and all that. We did spend a lot of time doing some very fun cuddling, however, and the shower was the first place she actually got me off, so yay! At seven, Fluttershy invited me to go with her to the spa the next day and I wanted nothing more than to say no, but the look she gave me while we were entwined in each other’s arms was hard to deny, so I was roped into doing some shit that I really didn’t feel like doing. On the bright side, Celestia had sent me a carefully worded note that told me she’d done what I’d asked, and that was a plus. With any luck, Spike wouldn’t go full retard and reply like I’d asked him not to, and with more luck, Rainbow would put together a tornado that only rips the town’s spa from the planet.

Fluttershy took her leave around sunset and Lupa went along with her, favouring the squishy one over the arsehole. I wasn’t surprised, though I did wish that she’d at least said something instead of just walking away with Fluttershy. Fucking bitch. All alone, I caught my journals up, finished the Midnight Stroll book, and had some watered down wine. Unfortunately, I didn’t water it down enough, so I ended up in my bedroom instead of the guest room. It was an inconsequential mistake, but it bothered me a little that I slipped up. My writing had gone on until about four in the morning, so waking up at seven pissed me off a little. I didn’t even wake up for any particular reason, just sat up in my bed and went to the guest room to laze around for a while longer. After an hour of faffing about, I showered, brushed the annoying mass of tangles that was my hair until it shone, and picked out a violet blouse and some denim capris. I looked and the mirror and wondered about the outfit, but couldn’t decide if I looked retarded or not. It took me a moment to realize that I was going through my shit while I was already dressed and wondered if I was being subconsciously misogynistic with my mannerisms or if I was becoming more stereotypically feminine by the second. Either way, I still didn’t want to go in public wearing what I was, so I made an alteration.

I changed the shirt for a camisole and cardigan combo, and that was it. I kept the capris and I didn’t even look through any more of my bags to see if I could find a better outfit because I considered myself above it. At the moment, I was glad that I had passed the halfway mark, even if I’d though that the seventh day was going to be the end of my suffering. Once I was done with that psychotic episode, I went to go meet Fluttershy and Rarity so I could experience another and continue on with the ruse now that it wasn’t going to end the next day. Well, technically- You know what? Never mind. There’s a reason I never hope for shit very long.

I wasn’t looking forward to the trip and was really just trying to get the ‘experience’ over with, but Rarity and Fluttershy wanted to make a day of it. I wasn’t complaining about that part as much as going to the spa in the first place. Either way, we met up at Rarity’s to go. They were waiting on me when I got there, so I was forced to cool my heels while they poured me a cup of tea and filled me in on what they had been talking about. When they either realized that I was just sipping tea and looking at them because I had no idea what the fuck they were on about or were satisfied, Rarity led onto another topic seamlessly and I was pretty glad for it..

“So, Roxy, Fluttershy tells me you’ve never been to the spa before!”

“Yep, that’s true. I guess I’ve never really felt the need to go.”

“Simply preposterous!” She exclaimed. “I’m so glad that Fluttershy and I could help you find the joys of being pampered!”

“Yeah, the… Joys. Joy is certainly a word in my vocabulary.”

Rarity beamed. “So, what’s your usual regimen? I suppose that you haven't had time to sort a solid one out, but your current one seems to be doing wonderfully!”

I cracked a smile and shrugged. “I dunno. I have some nice soap and shampoo, but other than that I don’t do anything special.”

The fashionista stared at me, still smiling. It was creepy. “S-So… You don’t use any manner of facial creams or masks?”

“Not really. My skin was terrible when I was younger, but a few bottles of some effective anti-acne cream and voila.” I put my hands under my chin and gave her a little smile. “I guess I always did appreciate the natural beauty in some of the gals I looked up to when I was younger. Like, I guess the less they bothered to care what society thought of them, the cooler I thought they were.”

Fluttershy giggled. “You’re your own mare. I think that’s pretty obvious.”

I shrugged. “I am, but I’m not going to sit here and say that I don’t listen to advice or try to leave my comfort zone.”

Rarity seemed a little salty when she said, “Well, the spa is more of a comfort zone than most, but I’m sure you’ll still have plenty of fun.”

“Mm, I’d rather have plenty of Fluttershy, but I guess we can’t all get what we want.”

I got a look for my words. “Are you really a lesbian, Roxy?”

“Just because I don’t hit on you doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re a gorgeous gal. I think you’re lovely, I just have a thing for women that are a little timid and goofy.”

Fluttershy huffed. “So I’m goofy now?”

I stuck my tongue out at her briefly. “Just a little, Lover-Girl.”

White Cunt chilled out and said, “Well, I can’t say I’m offended, but I thought you might have been pretending for the sake of a joke.”

“The slumber party.”

“... A mare is allowed to be curious.”

I raised my brows and gasped. “You invited me to the spa to see me in my undressed state! You debaucherous lecher!”

“I- What, no, Roxy I- No!” Her hands flew over her heart while her face grew a bright, florid red.

Fluttershy wasn’t looking at me either and I suddenly felt considerably less close to the people with me. “... I was joking.”

Rarity seized the out, but she didn’t know. “B-Be that as it may, that was not funny! Wh-Why would you accuse us of-” I raised a brow, my mouth a line as my frosty gaze ate at her. “... I-I um… Good joke?”

I looked at Fluttershy and she was wringing her hands. “So what was this all supposed to be about?”

“We-Well…”

I looked to Rarity. “Hm?”

“W-Well, we just wanted to get to know you a little better-”

“In what context?”

Fluttershy tapped her fingers on the table. “Roxy… I… I thought you’d be happy…”

I furrowed my brow. “I might’ve been if you were straightforward about it, but even then I’d kind of like to choose my own partners.”

Rarity chuckled awkwardly. “Ah-ha-ha… It would seem you have more restraint than most mares in your position…” What’s that supposed to mean?

“I’m assuming most Human women in my position would be pretty happy if they were gay, but that doesn’t mean we just sleep around, ladies.”

Fluttershy touched her mouth. “... Max was monogamous when he first came here.”

Rarity groaned. “Humans only pick one partner for estrus!”

Ah… Wait, am I supposed to know what that is right now? “Estra-who what?”

“You know… That warm season? Somewhat regular throughout the year, but always worse in spring?”

I stared at her. “... I’m not- Okay, I’m pretty sure my vagina doesn’t have that function. I don’t have a heat season, Human women have menstruation and it’s awful. Yeah, we get-” Nonononononono- “Oh… Oh God no!”

Fluttershy winced. “Oh, I-I’m sure it’ll be fine…”

“I was really, really hoping I’d be back to my normal life before that became an issue…” Christ, dear God? Holy savior? My main mate? C’mon, mate. Don’t do that to me.

Rarity was pretty confused and settled the silence with, “Why don’t we go to the spa and not worry about any of these little assumptions?”

I nodded, but I felt the points on my ma+*

n card run out. It had taken so many hits, been through so much femininity, but it finally crapped out when it came to the possibility getting both my first period. On top of that, the only thing I had to do was go to the spa and I could practically feel my heart break. My eyes watered from the weight of losing years of work, from puberty to present, but I held them back bravely. Even as I struggled internally to hold onto my man card, it threatened to slip out of my fingers at the first mention of a non-sexual massage. I didn't want a rub down. I couldn’t let them see me suffer; I wouldn’t be so weak! Something rose up in my chest and my breasts felt firmer.

I had another point on my man card, and it was glowing brilliantly. My tears disappeared and I was back in action! Fluttershy and Rarity were just looking at me, still waiting for me to say something. “Oh! Sorry girls, I was thinking about the spa. Let’s get a move on, shall we?” I said with a smile

The bishes (Bitch Fish) bought it hook, line, and sinker, so we took care of our dishes and left. They clucked the entire way to the spa and I was expected to respond to something every so often. I made my interest seem genuine enough to get me by, but I was dreading the ordeal on the inside. When we got there, everything seemed very clean and strangely symmetrical, though there were certain observable /differences in taste, like how there was a tall, skinny tree on one side and a much smaller bonsai on a pedestal. I followed Fluttershy and Rarity closely and we were met by a pair of twins named Lotus and Aloe. Lotus was the turquoise one with a pink mane and Aloe was her exact opposite.

They seemed nice enough, and I was somewhat relieved to learn that they would be taking care of us. I had expected there to be some burly, cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV, but so far he was nowhere to be seen. Lotus led us to a changing room where we were to change into some robes that were provided. I stripped, though I waited to see if Fluttershy or Rarity were going to take the rest off. Both of them did so I followed suit, struggling to hang on to that one last point. We ‘dressed’ quickly and no one commented on anything, but I did catch the tail end of Fluttershy checking me out. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I had to take a breath and relax, reminding myself that it would only bother me if I let it, so I tried to go back to my usual none-fuck-giving policy.

I failed.

With my robe secured around my female form and my heart hammering in my chest, I tried to bail while keeping a straight face. Fluttershy and Rarity weren't having it and completely ignored the tones I was using, despite trying to control my voice. My discomfiture was steadily growing as I assured myself that it would be so bad as long as it was a woman taking care of me, but... Something told me that I was gonna have a lot less luck that I would have liked to. Dread filled me and I'm not being fuckin' dramatic: I was legitimately as uncomfortable as I have ever been in the face of getting treated like I was better than a doormat for once. I don't know why I didn't want it, I just knew that I was getting more and more worried the longer Rarity and Fluttershy talked to Lotus. They eventually ended their conversation and we followed Lotus from the changing room the massage room.

Aloe was waiting there with whatsoever I feared come to light. A cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV. I stopped in my tracks and was nearly left behind until Rarity realized I wasn’t following. “Roxy, darling, are you coming?”” She asked casually.

“Which one is mine?” I responded numbly.

Rarity and Fluttershy switched their attention to Lotus. “Well, I usually take Fluttershy and Aloe usually takes Rarity. Does Precious Soldier make you uncomfortable? Because I assure you, he is nothing but professional.”

I blinked a couple times. “I’m just wondering what caused me to be here at this exact moment, in this exact place. I’m wondering what choices I’ve made that have brought me to this particular point in my life. It’s like a rare moment of crystal clear clarity.”

Fluttershy traded a look with Rarity and looked back to me. “... Are you okay?”

“No, no, no, I am currently dying on the inside in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. Let’s stop stalling and have some fun, shall we?” I asked with a twitchy smile.

“You’re acting strangely Roxy, are you sure you’re fine? You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to.” Rarity said.

Well, she was right. I could bitch out and remain a man, or I could cost myself the only chance I would ever get to go to the spa with my friends. I could stay well within my comfort zone and leave, or I could bite the bullet and take it for my friends and the time I'd get to spend with them. The correct choice made me wish I was bleeding so I had an excuse to go home and not. “Just some jitters, deartie, nothing to worry about. Let’s get on with it, yeah?”

“If you say so darling. Just try to relax, I know you’ll love it!”

She was wrong of course, but I found the strength to keep up the facade, despite having a couple close calls. I felt like I was betraying who I was at the very core of my being by allowing strangers to do what they wanted to me while I was defenceless, and more than once during the massage I nearly choked the guy massaging me. It happened so often that he got spooked and asked to trade clients with Aloe during a break. If that isn’t why Aloe was suddenly my caretaker, then I don’t know what. I felt a little bad about being so defensive with the guy, but I was on a knife’s edge. I don’t know why the spa was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was and I was in panic mode during most of the visit, so I don’t remember all that much of it. After the massage, I was uncomfortably numb to the ordeal which made me wonder what that meant for my mental status. It was probably nothing good but it had gotten me through the worst part of the day, so I can’t be all that upset about it. However, when I say that I was numb, I mean I didn't know what was happening after the massage. I don't know what went on past that point, meaning that I didn’t ‘check back in’ until I was doing some clothes shopping with Rarity and Fluttershy. It felt as if I had been living underwater and that I had suddenly surfaced out of nowhere, leaving me disoriented and a little confused.

My mind came back to me and I started looking around, nearing panic very quickly as I fell into a rack of clothes. “Fuckin’- Shite-cocking- Bollocks!”

“Roxy! Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, running to my side.

“Where the Hell are we!?” I asked, looking around. I calmed down quickly enough once I got out of the rack, aided by my friend, but it took her a few more assurances to get around to how we had gotten here.

“We-We’re in Radiant Raiments, don’t you remember? We came here after we stopped by Sugarcube Corner, you got a strawberry milkshake-”

“What? I don’t even like strawberries.” I replied, confused. It was true, I was never terribly fond of strawberries, so it made no sense.

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “... You said it was your favorite.”

I just looked at her for another moment. “I might just be going insane. Give me a hand up, will you?”

Fluttershy helped me get to my feet and Rarity joined us. “What happened? Is everypony okay?”

“I just had a dizzy spell is all. Nothing to be worried about.”

“That’s not what you said! You asked where we were!” Fluttershy said indignantly.

“I’m fine, love, really I am. I’m just a bit worn out. Maybe we could find somewhere to rest for a bit?”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “I’ve never heard you say ‘love’ before.”

I shook my head. “You’ve only known me six days, Fluttershy. I used to say ‘love’ until here recently.”

She didn’t seem to be appeased quite yet, but she shut up anyways, so that was nice. We ended up going to Rarity’s house since it was closest, and once we sat down around her kitchen table, she prepared some tea that I gratefully accepted with a shaky hand. “So really, Roxy, what’s going on?” Rarity asked when she sat down.

“I just… I kinda ‘woke up’ in Radiant Raiments.” I said. “It was like I was in a dream until then.”

“... Darling, what’s the last thing you remember?”

“... When that Precious Soldier guy traded with Aloe?” I offered meekly.

“Roxy, that was almost four hours ago.” Fluttershy said in hushed tones.

“Well, isn’t that just lovely. I can be me while asleep on my feet. Handy skill, right?” I tried smiling, but I was deeply disturbed. I think the spa broke me for a little bit.

They looked at each other briefly. When they turned back to me, Rarity said, “I think we should have Twilight take a look at you.”

“I think you should go to a hospital, Roxy, what if it’s serious!?” Fluttershy gasped.

I pursed my lips and looked at them. “It was just a little breakdown, seriously. I’ll be okay, it was just certain stimuli that triggered it.”

“What could have caused you to black out, but keep walking for four hours?” Rarity asked incredulously. “Is there a certain trigger or something?”

“I think I’ve read about something like this in one of Twilight’s medical books before!” She turned to Rarity. “Do you remember when Mr. Foxy nearly got eaten, but couldn’t remember anything about it?”

Rarity looked at her blankly. “Of course, darling.” No the fuck you don’t.

“I think Roxy might be experiencing the same thing, but what could have been that scary?” Fluttershy pondered.

Rarity lifted a finger to her chin. “Why, the only thing I can think of is when… Roxy started acting strange before the massage.” She turned her attention toward me and I gave her an unsure grin. “Roxy… Did the spa cause this?”

“Okay, so I may have been a little modest about how I feel towards the spa.” I pinched my fingers together and left the tiniest bit of space between them.

Fluttershy’s hand went to her mouth. “Oh my gosh, Roxy, I’m so sorry! I-I knew you didn’t really want to but I still pushed you!”

“It’s alright, I’m fine. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad and if it got me this far, why are we complaining? I was acting normal up until the store, so I don’t think it’s really that much of a problem.”

Rarity came over and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re alright darling? Is there anything we can do?”

“I’m just a little startled, I’ll be fine as long as you two keep me company for a while longer.” I said with a weak smile. I actually wanted to be left alone so I could go to sleep, but I could suffer through some conversation for a good cup of tea.

I tried Raritea and it was pretty good. After adding a dollop of cream, it was even better, though Rarity and Fluttershy had never heard of the practice. I offered to let them each taste my cup and they found it to their liking, so they did the same to their own. From what I could see on an average Equestrian map, Equestria and it’s neighbour Gryphonia formed a continent that looked an awful lot like Northern America, so it didn’t surprise me that the analogues of Americans didn’t know how to enjoy good black tea.

We chatted for an hour and I eventually got the tremors to cease their nonsense, but Rarity and Fluttershy weren’t done with me yet. Rarity moved us into her living room and showed off a few of her newest creations. I tried using my heightened perception to notice things that I could compliment, but I only succeeded on every other dress. I did compliment them as honestly as I could if that was any consolation. Still, I couldn’t wait to leave, but as I tried to exit with Fluttershy, Rarity held me back.

“Roxy, May I speak to you for a moment?” She asked informally.

“Of course, Rarity. What do you need?”

“Do you mind if we took this to my room? It won’t be long, but I’d like a little privacy.”

I withheld my desire to look around the shop. We were the only ones there. “Lead the way.”

I followed Rarity to her room, which was clean and orderly. It was also rather large, extravagant, and from the looks of the massive vanity in the corner, a little decadent. She had a seat on her bed and I followed soon after. Once we were both comfy, Rarity said, “The reason I’ve asked you here is because I know that it’s most likely been a very difficult transition, and I wanted you to know that I’m here for you. All of us are here for you, Roxy.”

“Thank you, Rarity. I can’t say it's been easy coming to an alien world, but it’s been an experience like no other, and I’m grateful for that.It's been... I don't really know how to describe it." I thought hard as I tried to fuse Max and Roxy for a second. "... When I came here, I felt more alone than I ever had, but... You girls make it better. A lot better. I won’t forget the days I’ve spent here any time soon, but I don’t know how I could ever tell anyone about it! People would think I’m utterly insane!”

“That does sound like quite the burden, but… Are you sure, Roxy? Are you sure you want to go back?” She asked cautiously.

Well that was unexpected. “What do you mean, Rarity?”

“Well, it’s just that I believe we’ve become friends over the time you’ve spent here, and I know you’ve got another home to go to, but…” Rarity started to tear up. I hadn’t been expecting this. “I don’t know why Max chose to stay, but I was rather hoping you found the same reason. I mean no offense to Max, but he's... He's never going to be a Pony, Roxy. No matter what, that stallion isn't going to be one of us. You're different. You already feel like a normal mare I might meet on the street, but all of the girls agree that Max is... Hard to get along with, even on his best days. We love him, but, you... You would just make such an addition to the group! Twilight told me how you tried to help her and Spike, and Fluttershy was forward about your time together, so-”

“Rarity, sweetie, I’ve loved my time here so much, and I’ll enjoy every moment of it while I’m here, but I want to go home sometime. I want to see my old friends, even if they weren’t that great. I want to walk down my street and see my neighbours, and I miss the shakes from the shop down the street, and the way the supermarket smells. I want to see my parents and my brother again,” My voice cracked, but I didn’t do it on purpose. My heart was... I... How…? “I miss my home, Rarity. I might be welcome here, but I don’t belong here.”

She leaped over the bed and hugged me tightly. “Oh darling, I never knew you carried such a terrible burden! You poor thing, you must be struggling so hard, but I haven’t seen it until today! Oh Roxy, I’m so sorry!”

I hugged her back and the first and only tear fell. I’d hit too close to home. She'd stabbed me in the back. All of my own friends... “Don’t worry, Rarity. I’m a tough one, and with you girls, I know I can take it.” I grabbed her arms and pulled back a little, though I didn’t leave much space between us for dramatic effect. “Being with you girls makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I know that as long as I keep my memories of you, I’ll be happy back home too.”

Rarity smiled widely. "Then I wish you well in whatever happens, Roxy. You've... You've made your mark here.”

I patted her shoulder and excused myself multiple times, but I barely made it outside before I shattered. I'd gotten used to being numb for so long that pain hit twice as hard and left its mark twice as deep. 'We love Max, but...'... My own fucking friends... My own goddamn fucking friends already chose sides. And it was the stranger. They picked the stranger…

Why am I even here?

The next morning, I awoke to find a note from Luna, telling me to contact her if I ever wanted to get started on helping her with dreams. She even offered to pay me a commission for every night I helped her, so I responded, telling her that I would be up for some lessons when my punishment from Celestia was over. I got up, did my new morning routine and fed Lupa and myself. From there I plopped down in my easy chair and waited for nothing to happen. It was a constant battle since nothing was constantly happening, meaning that I wasn’t waiting anymore, but when nothing came, I did nothing so nothing happened, which was exactly what I was waiting for.

Do you see the issue here?

While I was waiting for nothing because nothing was happening, I took the time to cry a little and do something Celestia asked me not to, which I'm not saying just in case. It was stupid, but it helped for a little bit. After I was done fixing the stuff I'd messed up and it became pointless anyway, there was a knock at my door and there stood a feathered fucker. “What’s up, Gilda?” I asked.

“Not much, just bored. I saw you come here the other day and I figured this was where you lived.”

“Yeah, that’s not super creepy or anything. Not at all.”

“Just shut up, will ya? I gotta go to this stupid party thing and Rainbow Dash hasn’t showed up yet. You’re the third coolest thing in town, so I figured you wouldn’t making some lames look lamer with me.”

“Bitch, I’m the coolest thing on this side of the planet, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I smirked. “Lupa! We’re leaving.”

Lupa huffed and trotted to meet us at the door. Our little trio of predators made its way into town and it gave me plenty of time to remember just why I didn’t like Gilda. I was hoping that whatever this party business was that it would get her to chill out with her primary school bully schtick. It was old when I’d met her, and it was ancient now, but I still walked along with her because I wanted to see what kind of bullshit she was planning on pulling. That, and I kind of wanted to chip in and help her make people feel bad since I felt bad, but that’s heavily oversimplifying it and I’d already resolved to not lashing out unnecessarily.

As it turned out, the party was at Twilight’s house. Apparently, Gilda had walked me straight into certain kind of party. A Pinkie Party. I groaned when I saw the decorations and Lupa deserted me posthaste, but I quickly put a brave face on when Pinkie herself approached me. “Hi Roxy, Hi Gilda!” She said brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Hello Pinkie. Nice party.” I said. Gilda tsked and I cut her a glare. “So… What’s the occasion?”

“We’re welcoming Gilda to Ponyville!”

“That’s nice of you, sweetie. Who all is here?” I asked.

“Well, out of our immediate friends, Fluttershy and R-”

A blue blur came in from the other room. “Hey! Gilda, Roxy! Glad you guys found the time to show up!” Rainbow Dash said, crossing her arms.

“Chill out, Rainbow, it’s cool to show up late.” Gilda preened.

“I didn’t know there was a party, so…” I trailed off.

“Whatever, it’s all good. Why don’t you guys go around and have some fun?” Rainbow said with a snicker. No one else seemed to notice.

“Yeah! Make yourselves at home!” Pinkie added.

I wandered around with Gilda for a moment, but saw Fluttershy and Twilight waving at me from across the room while scanning for more friends. I ditched Gilda so she could get some vanilla lemon drops and said hi. “R-Roxy, why are you hanging out with… Her?” Fluttershy asked nervously.

“Well, at the moment, I really just wanted to see what she was going to do. I’ll handle her if she gets out of line or anything, so don’t fret for a moment.”

“... What do you mean by ‘handle’? Twilight asked cautiously.

“I mean I’ll talk her down, see if I can get her to leave or something. Why do you ask?”

“Well, whenever Max says that he’ll handle something…” Twilight began.

“I-It’s pretty much a fifty-fifty shot on whether or not he’ll make things worse.” ... Keep driving that knife deeper. Just keep on, gals.

“Seventy-five, twenty-five.” Twilight corrected. Fuck you.

We were interrupted by Gilda shouting about her mouth being on fire, and that was just the beginning. I went back to her side, though Twilight and Fluttershy opted to find a wall and stick near it. While I was with Gilda, things got fucking great. The schaudenfreude I was hoping to feel towards my friends was implemented with Gilda and I found it to be a healthier outlet on top of being more fun. Immediately after the hot lemon drop, she got hit with the old dribble glass prank. Rainbow had a laugh while Gilda went to go find something she could actually drink. After that, she opened a present that contained the springy little snakes that pop out at you, and she didn’t look terribly amused. The party continued on for a little while and it seemed like Gilda was in the clear. I was getting bored with her being mean to people because she could be, but no one had felt the need to retaliate in the slightest, so I was happy enough to let people think she was a twat. She toned it down when Rainbow was around, but the second the technicolor pegasus was off to go do something else, she was right back at it. I wondered if Fluttershy was just scared of her because of her reputation or if Gilda had actually done something to her. If it was the latter, then I would warm up my bitch smackin’ hand, even if I felt betrayed by some of the people I trusted most.

Unfortunately, the party went south for Gilda quite quickly. She got hit with just about every trick in the book from relighting candles to the old whoopie cushion. I’d given up following her around for my chuckles and started hanging further back, watching Gilda just generally be a twat to everyone. How Rainbow Dash was actually friends with her, I’ll never know, but I suppose bullies always have that one cool person they stick around so that people don’t immediately hate them. It wasn’t working very well for Gilda since she was really just making a fool of herself. I watched as Gilda snapped and snarled at people and my own friends, seeing Twilight, Flutters, and Rarity all eye me in turn whenever Gilda got loud. It wasn't really my problem, but ruining the facade early would mean I couldn't cock-slap them.

I kept a close eye on her and made sure to keep myself between Twilight, Fluttershy, and Gilda. I’d noticed that Applejack was hovering near Rarity and Pinkie, doing the same thing I was doing. She noticed me noticing her and we gave each other a curt nod before turning our gazes back to Gilda who looked like she was ready to rip someone’s head off. I decided to forego that tragic accident and stepped in to have a word with her.

“Oi! Gilda, you okay, dearie?” I asked once I got to a decent distance.

“No! These stupid ponies and their hatchling pranks are pissing me off!” She shouted. Bitch was mad for no real reason.

“Take it easy. Just a bunch of harmless, childish pranks, mate. That’s all there is to it. I bet if you sit back and let someone else do something first, you’ll see them get pranked. You’ve just been extremely unlucky so far.” She’d actually just been a childish twat, but who was I to tell her that?

Gilda took a breath and huffed. “Yeah, well, I guess dude.”

“Right? Sit back, chill out, and let’s just enjoy some half decent shit that’s unnecessarily sweet.” I reasoned.

“I was meaning to ask about that. Why is everything here so sweet? I can barely even get something to eat in town, I have to go hunt all the time!”

Nearby chatter stopped and Gilda gathered stares from just about every Pony there. I performed a quick sweep and saw that Twilight and Applejack were already on their way to help if need be, so I focused on downplaying the hunting thing. “Yeah, trying to find the right thing is pretty crucial for picky eaters. I know Ponyville doesn’t have much of a selection, but I’m sure you’ve found something.” I said a little more loudly than the conversation needed. Gilda picked up on it, but she didn’t realize what I was trying to say, so I leaned in and whispered, “The Ponies here will be terrified of you if they know you’re a predator, and I don’t know if Dash is cool with that either. Just keep it low-key for now so you don’t freak them out.”

Gilda scoffed, but she did what I asked for the most part. I took her around the party and introduced her to some of my friends in hopes that their general cheery bullshit would help assuage her rage, but my plan did not work out at ALL. I took her to Applejack first because I knew the farmgirl had a thicker skin than anyone else, but I didn’t really account for her severe dislike for Gilda already. I was later told that Gilda had indeed made Fluttershy cry earlier, but that fact was known by all the girls at this point. I got no help from Applejack and nearly had to step between them before a fight started. IKnowing that Gilda respected me helped, but it wasn’t going to last long on just words alone much longer if the current situation was anything to go by. I decided that Applejack could use some time to cool down, so I steered Gilda over to Twilight. Fluttershy had been sticking closeby up until Gilda and I started approaching them, and once she saw us making a beeline towards herself and Twilight, she was quick to extricate herself from the situation and disappear into the crowd. I’d thought that was quite odd at the time, but never paid that much attention to it.

What I did is not what I should have done. What Gilda and I said to each other really doesn’t bear repeating, but what she said to Twilight? Don't get me wrong I would've let her take all of it if my humanity didn't win the day. I wanted them to hurt like I was, all six of my friends, but ... What Rarity said was pure gossip in that moment and I shouldn't have taken it to heart, but I did, so I let Twilight get a tear out before I let loose on Gilda. Letting every fucking ounce of pain Rarity had caused me over the night out in many numerous harsh, loud, hateful words? I made Gilda cry before she left. One can only allow another to go so far before they get too prickly too close to home, and Gilda had done just that. Rainbow Dash came in to see what was going on about halfway in and was wearing a pretty intense frown by the end of it. When Gilda got ready to storm off, she tried to take Rainbow with her, but Rainbow told her off. It was sappy as fuck, but it was also cute in a gross way. Gilda left after Rainbow Dash bravely defended her friends from the bully and the party continued. Twilight apologized to Pinkie for something and I got hugs from all the girls for yelling at Gilda for a little while, so that was nice. Well, I say it was nice, but I really wanted all of them to leave me the fuck lone and go fight Gilda themselves.

The party ended and I helped Pinkie and the rest of the girls clean up the aftermath. There had been plenty to do, but between the seven of us it didn’t take long. We even had a few holdovers from town that helped out too, so we got done pretty quickly, leaving plenty of time in the day to find something else to do. It was already day five, so I wanted to see if I could branch out a little and get closer to Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack since the rest of the cunts evidently didn’t like the real me. As it turned out, Applejack wanted to talk to me too and did so after the party while accompanying Rainbow Dash. Two birds, one stone.

I saw them approaching me, so I set the broom I had been using down. “Wotcher, girls. What’s up?”

“Howdy Roxy. How’d ya like the party?” Applejack asked.

“It could have gone a bit smoother, but it was decent. I’m still not terribly fond of parties, though.”

“Well, parties might not be your scene, but I’m glad you came! If I’d known Gilda was such a jerk, I never would have brought her around.” Rainbow huffed.

“Take it easy, Rainbow, you don’t know what that girl’s story is. There’s something that made her the way she is, and you should take that into consideration.” I reasoned.

“I don’t think you were too focused on ‘takin’ it into consideration’ when ya let loose on her!” Applejack chuckled. “Woo! The last time I heard a shoutin’ match like that, Max was ready to swing!”

“Dude, Max and Roxy get mad in the same way! Their accents get really thick and they get reeeally loud.” Rainbow Dash stated.

“Hardy-har-har. I’m not exactly thrilled about losing my cool there, girls.”

Applejack patted my shoulder. “I thought so. It just means you’re ready when push comes to shove, Sugarcube.”

I nodded. “That’s right, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. What if I’d hurt Gilda or something?”

Rainbow scoffed. “It would take a lot to leave a mark on Gilda. I’ve only beat her a few times when we wrestled, and I’m pretty sure she let me win at least twice.”

“How many times have you won?” I asked.

“I don't think that’s the important part here!” She said quickly. “What’s really important is that you stood up for Twilight and showed me that I shouldn’t assume that the ponies I was friends with in school are the same ponies now!”

“Right, wrap it up in a nice little Aesop.” I gave her a smile.

“I don’t know what that is, but sure!” Rainbow responded.

I looked around and saw that the girls were getting the last of the streamers taken down, and that was about it for clean up. “Hey, do you two wanna grab a drink after this? I’ve spent a lot much time with Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight, but I haven’t gotten seen much of you girls or Pinkie the last couple days.”

“I’m game!” Rainbow said excitedly.

“Count me in, too. Wanna go grab Pinkie and see if she wants to come?” Applejack asked.

“... How well does she handle alcohol?” I asked tentatively.

“Bout as well as Rainbow to be honest with ya, and Rainbow’s done after a few mugs of hard cider.” Applejack said, giving Rainbow the side eye.

“How many times do I have to apologize for your couch!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

“Until I forget about it!”

I chuckled. “You’ll have to tell me that story when we get to the pub. Let’s grab Pinkie and get a move on, yeah?”

We added Pinkie to our merry little band and bid Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity goodnight. I’d asked if any of them wanted to go for a few rounds, but Twilight wanted to review the plans for Spike one more time before she put it into action, Rarity didn’t like pubs, and we’d have to drag Fluttershy back home by her tail, so we couldn’t do too much there. I guess it was the perfect activity to get the people I hadn’t talked to all that much in one place. Since I wasn’t trying to get laid this time, I actually had a chance to sit down and talk with Applejack while Pinkie and Rainbow went off to go get creamed in billiards. Applejack and I spoke on just about everything ranging from family to responsibility to personal tastes in significant others. There had been plenty of deep conversations with Applejack before, but I had never seen the side of her that she was presenting over a mug of iffy beer. Again, I was a little perturbed that all it had taken to get closer to my friends was having a vagina, but I wrote it off as ‘Roxy’ and ‘Max’ just being too different for me to expect them to be treated the same. I could have read deeper into it, but I’m not one to go looking for something to be upset about, even if I was slowly conforming to stupid stereotypes. I tried having a meaningful conversation with Rainbow, but she was too much of a lightweight, and by the time I had wrapped things up with Applejack, Rainbow was ready to be thrown in bed, which only left Pinkie.

Never try to talk to Drunk Pinkie.

When we left, Pinkie was barely ambulatory and Rainbow was a little too drunk for walking, so Applejack gave her a piggyback ride and threatened to brand Rainbow if she puked on her. When Pinkie stumbled one too many times, I offered her the same punishment before carrying her off to Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and I had decided that we would move in a group so we could talk a little longer. We dropped Pinkie off first since she actually lived in town, so we ended up carrying Rainbow back to Sweet Apple Acres, switching every so often so neither of us was bearing the load while the other fucked off. In all honesty, Applejack could have carried Pinkie and Rainbow to wherever the fuck she felt like, but I guess she was taking it easy for the time being. Once we arrived at Applejack’s house, she invited me in and we continued our little party of two until dawn rose. It had been some time since I drank until the Sun rose, but I was glad that I had done it with Applejack. She was my best friend for a reason, after all. Even as the night ran into dawn, then into day, I still hadn't asked Applejack how she truly felt about me, but I was also scared to really know.

Applejack had the day off, so instead of turning the lamp off and saving some oil for midnight, she stayed up with me and we sipped cider on the front porch until the Sun was well and truly up. We’d talked the entire time, but it was different from the conversations at the slumber party. I guess I was feeling more receptive now, but either way, spending time with Applejack was always a worthwhile venture.

I was going to leave around eight, but Applejack wanted to hang out some more, so I stuck around while she got her morning ritual done. After she was fresh and ready to tackle her day, we went back to my house and I did the same. I had Applejack walk me around town because why not, and we talked some more then too. It was getting easier to understand how women talked all the time, but I still couldn’t understand how they remembered all the nitty-gritty details. Shit just didn’t make sense to me.

Once I got my outfit for the day picked out (a royal blue blouse and some jeans), we took a stroll around Ponyville and saw some periwinkle mare with an off white mane putting up posters on just about every available space. Two of the town’s young men were following her around, practically dogging her heels, which I found to be both distasteful and desperate. I mean, Hell, it’s not like the woman was as pretty or Rarity or Fluttershy, and they were acting like she was the only action in town. I pondered for a moment if I might be envious, but then I realized that I was just projecting more stereotypes, so I knocked my shit off and told Applejack what I thought about the two dudes practically stalking the poor woman. She let me know that it was a pretty common thing for the younger stallions and mares to become enamoured with people from outside of town. I asked why I didn’t have any followers, but Applejack didn’t really have an explanation. I, However, knew that it was because I wasn’t a Pony. Seriously, this small town was already racist as fuck and just about as sexist half the time.

Those were the thoughts that I did not share with Applejack, which is probably why we kept hanging out. It was noon by the time we’d made our third circuit around town, and we both desired a change of scenery and some refreshments, so we stopped by the liquor store and looked around for something that sounded good. I found something called ‘The Local Special’ that had a tiny snake swimming around in the jar. Applejack told me a little bit of the history behind the Local Special, stating that it was a long-standing tradition for the patriarch of the Apple Family to make it. Applejack may have known how to make it, but she wasn’t going to tell me any time soon, though she did explain how to make her namesake should I ever be in need of a drink and only have apples on hand.

I ended up going with the snake-shine, so Applejack got to pick whether or not we’d drink it straight or make something from it. I wasn’t exactly a bartender, so my first suggestion was screwdrivers. It was a pretty tame first choice, but Applejack had something else in mind. We went back into the liquor store after her little epiphany and the woman at the counter, a certain Berry Punch, lead us into the back of her shop when Applejack knocked six times in a peculiar pattern on her counter. Once we were in the back, it was like AA Hell. Or a drunk’s heaven, whichever you like. Either way, there were shelves upon shelves of booze, and my mouth watered as I passed some of the various wines that were not on display outside. There were things that made no sense that I wanted to try, like candy apple bourbon and dark chocolate light beer, but we weren’t here for any of the things I happened to glance at. No, Berry Punch and Applejack knew exactly where we were going.

Thinking back on it, the liquor store wasn’t large enough to hold everything within the back doors. In fact, there was no way that this place complied with the laws of physics, and had I noticed that earlier, my expectations would have probably been much closer to the actual result. In any case, we three drunks came to a rather intimidating metal door after a little bit and Berry Punch pulled out a key. Wordlessly, she went in alone and came out with a bag that seemed to be leather that was a bit larger than my hand. The leather was kinda creepy since I knew that the ponies detested hurting other living creatures, so I was paying close attention when Berry Punch passed the bottle over to Applejack. The clerk turned gatekeeper made her way back to the front of the shop with us trailing behind, and I dropped seventy fucking bits on one fucking bottle.

My shekels. My poor shekels. I might be rich, but that doesn’t mean I grew up in Dubai with my gold-plated Mercedes and oil fields to back up frivolous spending. I’m not going to just go and blow money because I felt like it, and the only reason I did this time is because Applejack vouched for it, and it wasn’t supposed to be my money anyways. Still, my mind was spitting some dark things while my face was a mask covering my fiscal suffering.

I thought it was funny that my general frugality had remained unchanged, but I was still mortified.

During my bout of pouting, I had suggested that we go back to ‘Max’s house’ to enjoy our purchase, and Applejack lead the way. She wouldn’t let me see what was in the bag the entire way there, so I figured that she’d wanted it to be a surprise. I don’t like surprises. They piss me off. In any case, I had to be patient during the trip, so I filled the gaps in my soul with some more conversation. I tried to weasel some information out of Applejack about what was in the bag, but she was like a steel trap, only smiling when she started to answer with pertinent information. I had to give her credit, though. Few enough of the Ponies could withhold information from me if I was willing to put forth some effort, though I was restricted to indirect, polite methods instead of the moderate tactics I usually used. However, I doubt that I would have been able to get anything from Applejack anyway. She wasn’t easily intimidated, she was stronger than me, and the only thing I could think of that would work against her would be seduction or telekinesis, neither of which I thought were terribly fair.

I was busy with thinking of ways to crack an Apple when we arrived at my place. Lupa was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that she was at Fluttershy’s, which meant that Applejack and I had the house to ourselves. She knew where I kept my crystal, so Applejack grabbed a couple of tumblers and some ice, then lead me to my back porch. I had a seat on the swing because I was quite fond of it, so Applejack joined me

“So, Sugarcube. Are ya ready for the surprise?” She asked coyly.

“I’ve been ready since Berry Punch opened the door to the back! Show me what we’re working with, sister!”

Applejack slowly opened the bag and revealed a decanter full of what appeared to be a liquid rainbow. The bottle itself was a lightning bolt with an apple stem on the top, and the label was walking a fine line between simple and ornate. The decals were of various kinds of fruit trees, which was simple enough, but upon closer inspection, you could make out every detail of the leaves and the bark of the wood, and the most detailed tree was the one at the top of the circular label. It bore a singular rainbow striped apple that looked somewhere between poisonous and delicious. I wasn’t in the mood to die or come close to it again, especially at Applejack’s hands, but I still gave her a smile.

“What’s this called?” I asked.

“It’s called Zap Apple Jack. This is somethin’ that only the matriarch of the Apple Family can make. Right now, Granny Smith is the only one who can make it, but I’m next in line!” She grinned. “I wanted to share this with you because I don’t think any of the other girls can handle it. You’ve been keepin’ pace with me all night, so I think you should be good.” Her voice had taken on a bit of an odd inflection and her eyes wouldn’t meet mine, but I trusted Applejack enough that I was sure to be fine.

“Pour us some already! I can’t wait to try your Grandma’s special reserve!”

Applejack poured mine first, then hers. We made a toast to friendship, and, oddly enough, honesty, which I thought was a bit of an oddity until I remembered that it was Applejack’s Element. I sipped my drink slowly, and once it touched my tongue, I couldn’t help but smile. It was a nice, smooth liquor that went down very easily, and it tasted like every apple I’d ever had and then some, but it wasn’t terribly specific about any of the flavours. I caught different notes of different things here and there, but I figured that a Pony would be able to appreciate its flavour better than I could due to my status as an omnivore.

“This stuff might be a little dangerous, Applejack. What’s the proof on this?” I asked with a grin.

The fake modesty in her body language was obvious. “Oh, you know. It ain’t nothin’ too impressive.”

“Applejack~” I sang. I hadn’t intended on doing that.

“It might be a little up there.” She said with a sly grin. “How does one-ninety-one sound to you?”

“...Isn’t the highest alcohol can go one ninety-two?”

“You’ve never had Zap Apple Jack. The Zap Apples make it taste good and go down easy, so it’s perfect for a casual drink, but it’s even better if you want to get to where you’re goin’ quickly without the hangover that comes with rotgut.”

“...We’re going to finish the bottle, aren’t we?”

“Oh yeah. No doubt.”

Applejack and I traded a look before downing the contents of our glasses.

“Is it my turn to pour?” I asked.

“Sure, just lemme ask ya somethin’ before ya do.”

Red flag. Big, big red flag. I levelled a calm look at Applejack. “... We Humans pick up on stuff a little easier than Ponies, AJ. What’s the word?”

She nodded. “... Roxy… Who the buck are you?”

“Max.”

“... Yeah, I’m not buyin’ that for a second.”

I sat back in my chair and raised a brow. “Believe what you want, Fluttershy. We can take this to the shower and see if we have another magic moment like the last, but there’s something I’d like to discuss-”

“Max!?” Applejack’s jaw dropped and she did not look particularly happy.

I nodded. “Eeyup. No, Applejack, I did not choose to be a woman.”

“... You been lyin’ to us for a full buckin’ week, Maximus.”

“... Yeah. And I’m not sorry for-”

Applejack leapt across the table and landed two solid punches before throwing me to the ground and mounting me. I didn’t stand much of a chance of slipping away; my best friend was pissed and her raised fist showed me exactly how angry she was. She pulled her arm further back, chest heaving as she puffed and heaved. My left eye was rapidly swelling and there were splits on both my top and bottom lip. AJ always did hit too hard for her own good, but I was mostly glad that I wasn’t dead or dying.

“Max… How… How could you!?”

I turned my head and spat some of the blood in my mouth out. Multiple teeth on the right side were almost loose. “You’re the only one who never lies to me and you still don’t tell me the truth.”

“I-I tell ya the truth whenever ya ask…”

“Who did you like more?”

“... I… Max, I liked Roxy. There was so much more than that between us…”

“... Still not sorry. I learned a lot, firefl-”

She hit me again and that was the knockout blow. I woke up a few hours later in the hospital later having bitten the tip of my tongue off when Applejack hit me. I stayed in the hospital for two more hours so the nurses could monitor how my tongue was taking to the magic, but due to my healing factor and good care, I had been ready to leave after the first hour. I was pretty keen to get going since Applejack had taken up the seat next to my hospital bed, looking somewhere between miserable and guilt-ridden. I didn’t like that I’d put that particular look on her face, but I also didn’t lie that I couldn’t speak clearly and that my mouth had a temporary seal enchantment that wouldn’t let me mess anything up. It also meant I could barely talk in the first place. They gave me a mana-board and a crystal-tipped stylus to use, so until further notice, anything I ‘say’ in quotations was written.

With that being said, once I was finally released, Applejack walked me to the entrance and let me stand with her. She wouldn’t meet my eye, however. I knew that she was hurting because she felt betrayed too at this point, even if I had a feeling that she knew exactly why I’d gone and done what I had. I needed to know one thing, though. “Applejack… I’m sorry for lying to you, but I had to know.”

She looked at the board. “... Max… I’m so sorry… I-” She paused when I started wiping the board down, so I gestured for her to continue as I was already writing my response. “... I… Well, I meant to hurt ya for this one. I ain’t mean to swing a third time.”

“Stop punching me in the fucking face, bitch-cunt shite-arse”

AJ read it and chuckled once. “Right…” I sucker punched her in the kidney like Maxwell would’ve. She winced and rubbed her side. “Aren’t you supposed to aim higher to knock sense into somepony?”

“If I punch you in the head, I’m going to have to stick my hand up your bum.”

She stared at it for a moment before it hit her and she let out a weak chuckle that was better than the last. “... Right… So what do we do now, Max?”

“We get the girls together and we ask the questions I should’ve asked you when I woke up drunk in my house as a girl.”

Applejack tilted her head toward the door. “Walk and… Chat?” I nodded and so we fucked off. I wrote out the first question and she barely even had to read it. “Max, I think you’re a good guy who struggles to see the good in yourself. That’s the real reason you went through all the trouble to do this crap. You needed to know if we were feedin’ ya manure just to make ya stay around. To a point, you’re not wrong. That bein’ said, you’re insecure, Max. Your trust issues aren’t that you don’t do it, it’s that you get stabbed in the gut when you trust somepony and it comes out the back so quick ya can barely tell which way ya got hit from, so ya weasel info out of ponies however ya can. Most don’t have the know how to realize it, and those that do aren’t smart enough to realize it. You’d break your back to help a stranger, but you would barely lift a finger to pull yourself out of the fire if it meant that someone else had to sit on the coals.”

The truth hurt to hear and none of it was sugarcoated, but I wouldn’t have got the same message if the information had been gently fed to me. “Ha, tell me how you really feel.”

And so she did. “You love with your whole heart, trust against your better judgement, and still have enough fire in your stomach to swing back when you shouldn’t be gettin’ hit. I love ya, Max, but I sure wish ya’d avoided all this.”

“Blame Celestia-”

“Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“... What do you think of me?”

“Jack shit.” Her face fell while she was reading over my shoulder until I wrote, “I know for a fact that you’re more generous than Rarity, more loyal than Rainbow, funnier than Pinkie, almost as kind as Fluttershy, and you have that same magic to you that Twilight has. You’re my best friend for a reason, and I will always have more, better reasons to love you than I will to hate you.”

It took all of two seconds for me to get a much better grasp of how a person could stay in a relationship with a transgender person if they met before any sort of transition. The way Applejack kissed me with no hesitation told me that even if she wasn’t really all that bisexual, it didn’t matter what body I had because she loved me for me. I was who I was, even in a different body and AJ didn’t particularly care which set of tender bits I had; She wanted me for who I was, but when she pulled away, I could see that my elation was to be short-lived.

Applejack pulled away and our gazes were locked for but a few seconds. “... I’ll… I’ll see you later.” She turned and started walking off while I just stood there.

I started following and she bolted, but there just… I didn’t know what to do, but I knew what I wanted, and I wanted my answers. The one I needed from Applejack could wait. The questions for the girls, however, were waiting to be answered and I needed that shit taken care of as soon as possible. My first choice and most logical answer was to go to Twilight and have her write notes to the girls, so that’s where I went. However, Applejack was on my mind the entire time, and when I showed up at Twilights, I just let myself in and heard that the girls were discussing their time with me in the spa and were asking for Twilight’s advice. Eavesdropping was rude in the first place, but I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“Well… I’m sorry to say it girls, but Equestrian psychology isn’t that advanced… But it has a clear answer.” I could hear the trepidation in her voice.

I decided to not make it awkward for myself and wrote a note quickly before entering the kitchen as Rarity was asking. “And the answer is…?”

Twilight met my gaze and I held up the sign. “Hi- Hi Roxy…” I waved a and jostled the sign. “Oh- I-I see… Are you okay?” I held my hand palm down and made the ‘kinda-sorta’ gesture. “I’m sorry…”

Rarity and Fluttershy were staring at me as I sat down with them and wrote something else down. “Um… Darling, per-perhaps we could-” I raised a brow at her. “... We’re just concerned, Roxy…”

I patted her shoulder and held up my sign. “I didn’t want to go to the spa, but I wanted to spend the time with two of my friends before I lost the chance and regretted it.”

“Roxy...” Twilight said softly. “... You haven't’ been acting like yourself lately… Have you?”

“Before I answer that; Who do you like better? Me or Max?”

Rarity chuckled. “It’s not much of a comparison-”

Fluttershy gasped. “Rarity! H-How could you say that!?”

Twilight looked hurt on my behalf. “You know Max is a good guy and most of the reasons he’s actually mean are due to the nonsense he puts up with… Can you really say that Max wouldn’t be more like Roxy if we didn’t treat her differently?”

Rarity had the good grace to blush. “W-Well, perhaps so, but Max just isn’t one of the girls-”

“And that’s not his fault! You’re the one who always starts arguing whenever we all want to do something together and Max never gets invited-”

Fluttershy took over, getting worked up. “And Max puts up with more crap from you than just about anypony else! How is he supposed to be nice all the time when we’re not always nice to him!?”

I leaned back in my seat as Twilight and Fluttershy defended me from the time Twilight almost got me killed to the fact that I gave Fluttershy a chance, even if the cause was a pheromone-fueled romp. My purplest girlfriend finished off the tirade with, “-and if you don’t think Max deserves a closer look or at least a little given context for the stuff her does, then you’re a bad friend!”

After clearing off my board and hiding my face behind the hair that was all too long, Fluttershy said. “R-Roxy, w-we like you-” I slid the board forward. “... ‘Thank you’...? For what…?”

I took it back and wrote three simple words. “I am Maximus.”

Fluttershy blushed and brought her hand to her lips, Twilight gasped and her eyes widened before she beamed and Rarity looked like I’d just slapped her for being sexist. “Oh.”

I nodded a few times and started writing everything out, but Twilight eventually just a cast a telepathy spell and I ordered everything I wanted to say in a way that made more sense than usual. The gals got the point of my project, but what had started it all was something that Twilight had a problem with. “Max… You- You said you didn’t consent to be changed into a mare, right?”

I pursed my lips and started writing again. “Yeah, but Celestia’s the one who did it, so what can we do?”

Twilight’s a fast reader. “No, Max. That’s… That’s a Tartarus level offence… Even if the spell doesn’t last much longer, it’s very illegal to forcibly transmorgrify somepony…”

I shrugged. “Not much I can do about it.”

“... Maybe there’s something I can do…”

Purps abruptly stood and decided to go off toward the library while I looked at Rarity and saw that she was still pretty uncomfortable. “So… What do you have to say?”

She read the note and shook her head. “... I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, Max. Thank you for coming clean before we found out the hard way.”

I nodded, but Fluttershy offered a weak chuckle and said, “W-Well… I can see myself doing something similar… I…”

I gave her a smile and whipped something out real quick. “When I have my tongue back, I’ll tell you everything and answer anything.”

“How about you answer why your tongue is damaged to the point of not being able to speak?”

“Applejack found out the hard way.”

Rarity’s face went placid and Fluttershy’s usual timid smile turned a little creepy. “... How exactly did you get that black eye?”

I hesitated to write back. “I understand why she was mad. I get it.”

Flutters didn’t really seem like Flutters and the glint in her eye reminded me of the time she’d seen me threaten Diamond… Uh… The little cunt bully with pink fur. ”... I think we should have a little talk with Applejack.”

I shook my head, but Fluttershy got up and left and Rarity stopped me from following after her with magic. “Sit for a while, dear. Fluttershy will be back momentarily.”

I shook my head, but I couldn’t write either and Twilight came back with a sad look on her face. She didn’t seem to be up for conversation, but I also wasn’t up for the talk we were seemingly about to have. Rarity asked what was on Twilight’s mind and she mentioned that she was waiting on a reply from Celestia, so I sat and waited until Applejack showed up with a pissed off Fluttershy and a pair of shorties that were pretty irritable. Rarity released her magic and Fluttershy told Twilight as much as she needed to know, but coincidentally the magic on my mouth faded since the healing was just about done.

“Oi! What kinda witch-hunt are we going on here?”

Fluttershy gave me a look. “Applejack? Do you have anything to say?”

I looked at my best friend. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. We’re fine, AJ.”

She shook her head and sighed. “... Max, I done hurt ya twice now, and ya didn’t hardly hurt a piece a’ fur on my head...”

Rainbow looked down and Pinkie seemed to feel the weight of guilt when I let my gaze pass over them. “Nearly everyone at this table has hurt me one way or the other. I don’t very well think any of you have any right to tell me what I get mad about and what I choose to forgive.”

Applejack just offered me a rueful smile. “That ain’t it, Sugarcube… I wasn’t supposed to go off and hurt nopony else… I made a promise and I broke that promise.”

“I forgive you. We all make mistakes. I say we all get two swings with the paddle and you deal with the shame of getting turned on from it as punishment.”

Rainbow giggled a little. “So what…? We mess up and we get a paddling?” …. Why do I have such a horrible feeling…?

I locked eyes with AJ and she just shook her head. “If you do it, I’ll do it for tricking all of you into thinking that I was an actual wo-” Celestia teleported in with her back to us and I got the point of the bad feeling. The only one who ducked under the table was the only one who’d seen her. Seconds later it was silent.

From under the table I could tell that my friends were asleep. Celestia slowly walked around the table until I formed my psychic tentacle into a spear tip and thrust it in front of her as she was walking, making her start and freeze soon after. “... Max, I can explain, dear… Let’s just talk.” I formed the tentacle again and wrapped it around the hand she had raised without touching it, peeking from Rarity’s legs as I made sure that she wasn’t watching. Celestia was slowly growing more and more irritable until she said, “Max, I know you’re here. We both know this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Just come out and let’s talk for a moment, okay, dear?”

She did not look happy when I came out. All of the girls were face down on the table. Celestia glared ath me with a gaze that was far more appropriate for a predator than for an herbivore, but when she went to snap her fingers, I did my damndest to not break it outright. Her horn began to light up, so I increased the pressure on her hand, making her grimace. “Don’t you dare, Celestia. I can see your horn glowing, and I will make sure you never use that hand again.” I bluffed, my voice trembling at the implications before me

She rolled her jaw, her eyes already narrowed. Shite. Shite on a kite, I’m a flying kind of fucked. “What happened to keeping secrets, Max? I thought you were supposed to be good at that.”

“That- You knew I was going to spill everything! You could’ve said something earlier, but I’m fuckin’ glad you didn’t!” My panic was steadily rising and the sting of betrayal throbbed deeper and deeper within, every breathe just… Hurting. “Celestia, what the fuck!?”

“Max, I assure you that you’re overrea-”

“You fuckin’ what!? Two minutes ago, all of my friends were conscious and we were about to bond over bullshit! The fuck have you done!?”

“Max, calm down-”

“Celestia fuckin knock it off! Quit that shite fuckin’ now!” I seethed. “Keep fuckin’ lyin’ ta me, ya wretched- fuckin’- I.” My shoulders slumped and I couldn’t… I couldn't pretend to just be mad anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I was going to hurt her or that I hadn’t just been shot in the heart. “Cels, how could you?”

She set her jaw and took a deep breath. “You don’t know what’s going on-”

“You broke your own laws and Twilight called you out on it. You were mad that I went to Gryphonia again in the first place and humiliating me didn’t work because you can’t take something I never really had…” Her face grew stormy, so I loaded the bullet and pointed the gun at her. “... I took a chance to trust you again, even after you admitted to being a conniving nag… I went to Gryphonia to help you. I shouldn’t have had to make amends for-” The tears started falling and breathing was a monumental effort. “... Why is it always my fault?”

“Max, it’s not like that-”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re still mad that I went to Gryphonia again! You’re still the fuckin’ cunt who made me kill someone with my own two fucking hands! You’re still the fuckin’ shitehole that’s only given me jack-shite after you or someone else fucks up! Everything you’ve ever fuckin’ given me was to keep me quiet, and you… You can’t lie to me anymore.” I shook my head at her. “... I don’t have to deal with you like this.”

Her chest heaved and she bit her lip. “I’m not about to let you turn this around on me-”

“I’m not doing anything other than calling you out for what you are…” The pain in her eyes became panic the second her horn lit up. The loud pop and the grunt she let out was enough to stop her in her tracks, making her griit her teeth and glare at me. “Celestia, you… You’re a manipulative, oppressive, and now a magically abusive lover. You’ve been controlling or at least trying to control every step I’ve taken since you told me that you wanted to try us, but-”

“Do you think I don’t know that!? Do you think I want to be this way!? Max, I am so entrenched in the world’s affairs that it would bucking collapse if I just washed my hands with the affiars that affect the lives of my little ponies! What do you think that feels like!? If I’m not in control, then this country and most of this world go straight down the drain, Max. I need to be in control because it’s the safest possible my ponies, and it’s the safest thing for you too! I don’t care what you think about-”

I let her hand go and she stopped mid sentence. It was all I really needed to hear. “You don’t care what I really want. I’m free to live whatever life of vice I want as long as I do it where you can keep an eye on me, right?”

The truth had either finally cracked its way into her shell, or she was lying to me all over again and… I had nothing else to say. My heart hurt so fiercely that I couldn’t bear to remain in the same house as her. Seeing Celestia’s corruption in person had hit me hard. Obviously I’d already known that as both an ancient being and a Queen (All bullshit aside, that’s what she is), that she would have done some terrible things in her time. Hell, I had done a terrible thing for her, so yeah, I wasn’t surprised. I was just… It never occurred to me that Celestia would control my life too, that she would interfere so deeply at her own whim... Having seen her just casually walk in and start knocking people out, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Celestia had done something before and wiped it from my mind. If it weren’t for the telekinesis and my newly begotten insight into the female mind, I might’ve ignored the possibility that Celestia had done something worse before. It wouldn’t have surprised me to find that she broke me up with Velvet on purpose, or if she’d covered something unspeakable up before.

After a brief stint to collect myself outside, I slowly walked into the Treebrary, just in case Celestia was going to try and sneak me. Once I cleared the doorway, I threw a quick glance in the important directions and listened. There were two sounds that caught my attention; heavy snoring and soft weeping. There was a lot that I wanted to do with the time I had, and I’m… I feel awful… I… I wanted to... I opted to go comfort the person crying despite my basest instincts telling me that continuing such a poisonous relationship was going to get me killed. It was better than hurting myself again or lashing out at people that felt bad for mistreating me, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I could’ve killed Celestia then and there, walked away to Gryphonia, and probably get killed by Luna, but at least it would be my choice...

Fuck me for falling in love for one the most evil beings on the planet, and fuck her for screwing me over bad enough for me to not regret what I was about to do.

Celestia was chilling out on Twilight’s couch, having herself a good cry. I came over, had a seat next to her and held her head to my chest. She tried to push me away meekly, but I wrapped my invisible tentacle around her and pretty much stuck her to my side, which meant that Celestia’s elbow was firmly jammed in my ribs and her face was deep in my half assed cleavage. When my tits started getting wet, I let her go because it felt super gross. She looked at me, her face a complete mess, so I put her head on my shoulder so I wouldn’t have to look at that, just in case I lost my nerve. I gently stroked her hair while she got the rest of her misery out, though it took longer than I had expected. Well, I knew that me comforting her made her feel worse, so there’s that. For once, I actually had a clock of some kind to look at so I watched as thirty minutes ticked by. During the span of that thirty minutes, I gently consoled Celestia, which only made her misery cut deeper and brought me a grim satisfaction. That feeling may or may not have been the cause of the extended stay on Twilight’s couch, but you can’t prove anything so shut your fucking face. In fact, you’d better stop reading this if you don’t want me to shove a knife in your back.

Seriously.

Look behind you.

KNIFED!!!

Dumb bullshit aside, I was back to the same, depressed neutral that I had been maintaining previous to Rarity’s little stab. I already knew that Celestia wasn’t going to be the best lover, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but after some time to digest it,I decided that killing Celestia with kindness would be the most retarded route. However, was I ever on one hell of a roll for bad decisions and it also left me with the option of manipulating her right back for whatever I wanted from the most powerful woman in the country. With all the drama of the moment drained for me and with no reason to spend the energy to put up the facade, I opened my mouth to add five more minutes on the couch before I realized something. What was the point of torturing Celestia anymore?

“Cels.” I tapped her shoulder. She kept crying. “Celestia.” She tried to wipe her eyes, but she only succeeded in spreading the mess. “You have magic. Why are you not using it?”

“B-Bec-cause I d-don’t want you to th-think-”

“That you’re using it against me?” I asked kindly. “It’s okay, I trust you.”

She openly stared at me, not even quite done with the waterworks. “H-How? Are you mad!?”

“I kinda expected this from you at some point,” I said flatly. “It just sucks that you pulled this shite this early. Kinda makes ya seem incompetent.”

Her horn flashed, but new tears streaked her cheeks in seconds. “Y-You knew something like th-this would happen?” Mm, I can see that one still landed.

“Like I said, kinda. I couldn’t know what exactly, but I expected something on this scale. I knew from the start that you were probably going to fuck me over too hard to fix. I also know this isn’t the first time.”

She hung her head. “... We can’t be together, Max… I’m… I’m too...” She shook her head.

“Too much of a control freak for a guy who barely had a plan before he got rich.” I shrugged. “It is what it is. It’s not like it has to be over forever. People change and I’m pretty sure you’re just menopausal or something right now.”

“... I still have estrus, you ass!”

“Doesn’t explain why there’s powdered milk in your tits.”

“I understand that I deserve this-”

“No, you deserve to live alone for the next seventy-five to a hundred years without so much as the slightest hope of finding love again until you realize that people aren’t countries or companies; you can’t run a life that’s not yours, and even then you can’t orchestrate every little moment-”

“Max, this isn’t the only time I’ve wiped Twilight and her friends mind’s,” Celestia confessed. “I can’t ask you to be with me on any terms if I keep hiding this from you at any level, and... ”

“I figured that out while I was outside. What else did you erase?” I asked evenly.

“... You won’t believe all of it, Max.”

“Try me. I went from living on a world where you needed a device to have fire or light in your hand and now you can say magic words and glow your horn to do it. Seriously, Celestia. This entire world is ludicrous to me, including your double standards.”

She took a deep breath. “... Rarity raped you…”

“I will slap the shit out of you. I’m being civil because being a dick won’t get me anywhere, but God help me Celestia-”

“Twice, Max...”

“...Alright, now I’m asking you to tell me that was a lie.”

“Did you ever wonder why you never went to see her for another lesson on manners? Or why you never invited her back to your house? Why you two never spend time alone anymore? Or why Rarity seems to be so much more… ‘alert’ while she’s in estrus?”

I didn’t have to think that hard. “... The night you came to talk after the-” My heart froze.

“She didn’t stop, no. I came in the middle and… ‘Patched things up’...”

“... Was that the second or the first?”

Celestia closed her eyes and rubbed her brows. “She made a trip to Canterlot. Laced something or other with her pheromones while prowling. Velvet hated Rarity because she could smell her on you.”

I lifted a hand to my mouth and tried not to be ill. “... And you- Christ, Celestia, that’s…”

She shook her head. “... I… Max, you were…” Celestia met my gaze and I knew she was being as honest as she thought I could handle. “You were physically fine, but when the fog cleared you accused her of drugging you, which she did. The second time…” My freshly minted ex rubbed her temples. “I thought a stern talking to was enough, but the mare’s a whorse and always has been… Knowing that her rival in beauty, Fluttershy, had a piece of you and she didn’t help during estrus, though that’s no excuse…”:

“And you didn’t do a damned thing to her for the same reason you didn’t do anything to Applejack…”

“... You know you can’t repeat this, Max. I will have to keep you quiet for my country. I… I do love you as much as a pony like me can love another, but…” She bit her lip.

“I’ll keep your secrets, Celestia. I already do. What did you do?”

“Rarity… Rarity will never feel the same pleasure from coitus again. I deadened many of her nerves and gave her minor brain damage to effectively chemically castrate her.” Celestia looked at me for a moment and went on to say, “... There wasn’t much more that I could do, Max. I’m sorry, but… At least it’s like it never happened. There were worse ways for it to unfold.”

I just nodded along, absolutely gutted all over again. “... Was Rarity in control of her actions?”

“... She was the second time…”

Just another one to the pile, I guess. At least it wasn’t up the arse this time. “... Has anything like that happened since?”

“No,” Celestia smirked grimly. “I’ve made sure that Rarity was no issue nor a danger to anypony else, but there was also the enchantment I placed on the Warbling Blade. When I laid my seal upon the blade, I placed a Danger Sensor on it so I would know if you were ever in something I would recognize as trouble.

“It must have been going wild when I was in Gryphonia.” I commented

“It was. I knew you were gone the second you entered Starshine Nebula’s house.”

“Right. Have you wiped any more incidents from my mind, or the girls’?”

“... Max, you don’t-”

“Either fuckin’ turn me back and leave or spit it the fuck out. I’m tired, I bit my tongue off today, half of my friends think I’m somewhere between unapproachable and sensitive, and my newly minted ex-girlfriend is telling me that she’s stuck her cock deeper in my mind than I’ve ever been fucked up the arse. Just get it over with.”

She took a deep breath and said. “You were dead when Rainbow Dash brought you to the hospital. Luna brought you back using some magic...” She hesitated.

“And it was some evil shit, wasn’t it?”

“... You’re not even going to-”

“A doctor wiped Rainbow’s mind after she took me to the hospital. Applejack killing me makes a lot of sense and me surviving made no sense, even with how fast Rainbow is. Was it bad magic?”

“... Magic blacker than my own soul.” Celestia whispered. “It’s why ponies that don’t know you very well don’t like to be around you. You’ve been leaking Dark Magicks for months, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“...What all is this affecting, Celestia?”

She took a deep breath. “They way ponies feel about you before they meet you, how effective healing magic is for you, and it does something…” She took another breath and steeled herself. “It does something to your mind. It attaches you to the caster in a way so that your life is linked to theirs.”

“If Luna dies, I die?”

“No, when one of you dies, the other inherits their power... If you ever get too powerful, Luna fully plans on killing you.”

“Just coming clean on everything, aren’t you.” I jested, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

In all honesty, I was kinda overwhelmed. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach from all the information that had been revealed to me. Knowing that- Well, I was actually along the lines of considering some good old-fashioned murder since I knew I could think of ways to get away with it in the tech-deprived land of Equestria, even if there was magic. It did do something to explain why I found Rarity less appealing than I probably should have, but that little side note was completely overshadowed by the fact that Celestia had just wiped it from our minds. I was upset with her, but I could be as pissed as I wanted to be later. Now I had to worry about Luna having a hit on my head and whether or not I should aim for hers first.

I was happy to leave her alone since Luna could probably death me pretty good, but I didn’t know if Celestia was really coming clean or if she was trying to drive rifts between me and my friends. There was a reason that I’d stayed behind in Gryphonia for a while longer, and everything that had transpired in the last eight hours compiled to become a shining fucking example of how my life sucked harder at random intervals. I didn’t know what to do with Celestia at the moment, so I sat and waited to see if she’d come up with something else. After ten minutes of silence, I accepted that as her having said everything she wanted to.

“So what happens now?” I asked with a heavy sigh.

“... I guess we go our separate ways for the time being.” She replied despondently.

“I kinda figured. I meant what happens as far as the whole ‘Roxy’ thing?”

“Oh… I believe you’ll handle the situation adequately. I’ll back up whatever decision you make.”

“Lovely. Thanks for the help.” I closed my eyes and leaned back. “I think we’re telling them that it was a mission to help me deal with some of my insecurities, but that it taught me some valuable lessons. That’s the truth, in a manner of speaking. We’ll keep the fact that this was supposed to be a punishment to ourselves, but I want you here to turn me back in front of them.”

“I can do that.”

“I also want you to avoid contacting me for anything less than an emergency. I love you, Celestia, but we need some time away from each other.” And I know for a fact I can’t get away with killing you so you don’t pull this shite twice...

“... I understand. I’ll do as you ask.”

I sighed. “It’ll get easier, hun. If you tell yourself that enough, eventually you believe it.”

“I believe it now. I’ve learned much in my life, and I’d like to think that this is just a more painful lesson than most. I will learn from my mistakes, Max...”

“Right… So what do I do about the Rarity situation?”

Celestia looked at the clock. “... What more can you really do other than kill her or expose her? Neither of which I can allow you to do, as we both know. There’s little we can do now other than stay the course and see if things get better or worse.”

I shook my head. “I don’t even remember it, so I can treat it like it never happened. And what am I supposed to do about Luna?”

“... As long as you don’t keep dying and coming back magically stronger, you should be fine. Luna is already one of the most powerful beings on the planet, and she wouldn’t dare touch you while you’re under my protection.”

“How long will I have your protection?”

“As long as I live, I swear by the Sun.” Celestia held a hand to her chest, nodding.

“Thank you. Obviously I’m not going to tell Applejack she killed me, so let’s get the girls back to the waking world, shall we?”

Celestia wiped her eyes again and her horn lit up one more time, fixing her makeup. In seconds, she was wearing the mask of a ruler once more. I took her hand and led her to the kitchen. Celestia then began casting all sorts of hoodoo and the girls rose the positions they had been originally. The glossy looks to their eyes and the fact that Celestia wasn’t even breaking a sweat while going through the process of undoing the conversation we’d all just had. She told me that she spliced some memories and added new ones that would help things go a little smoother than they had been and the exhaustion I felt inside threatened to make me collapse from the inside out until I stopped caring and slid on a mask of my own. However, when Celestia was done and I was ready to put on a show, things got real weird.

The conversation played out from the beginning, except Applejack and the short ones were there as well and AJ helped me come clean about the whole Roxy thing. Between the two of us and the fact that I’d got hurt, I was cleared of any guilt and I fought for Applejack’s defence, even if she didn’t really want me to. Rainbow applauded my loyalty, but still had something to say to AJ and was actually kind of reasonable about it. Gave the gal some tips I didn't’ think were bad at all and thus Applejack basically agreed to take anger management lessons with Flutters and Rainbow since the two had already been making their own strides.

Meanwhile, Pinkie asked what I’d learned as a woman and Celestia was there already, so Twilight asked if she could write it down for her own friendship lesson. Sunbutt was cool with it, so I said, ‘I learned that Twilight’s quim tastes like bananas and Fluttershy likes having her ears licked’, to which I was told to get serious or get out in kinder words. I’d learned a lot during my time, but I summed everything up to me more or less finding out that there was a lot of stuff that the girls would rather hear from another female. I’d also found tatg I was missing out on a lot of the lives that my friends lived and that made everyone feel guilty for some odd reason, but I was too numb to really care all that much when I tried to assuage those feelings.

All it took was some acting that I had been practicing all week, but when we got to the part about Celestia’s bullshit, I changed my wording from ‘punishment’ to ‘prank’ and everything was suddenly okay. That was Celestia’s cue to back me up, all smiles and sunshine. Between the two of us, we explained that I had turned her prank into a prank of my own up until I started enjoying the time I spent with the girls as a different person. I also mentioned that what I’d learned about how they thought of me made me want to give the whole thing up multiple times.

Celestia told them that my prank turned learning experience to be a better friend was completely approved by her, since her words still meant something to them. Pinkie and Rainbow were the first ones to respond, both of them giving Celestia and I props on our pranks. Twilight asked what I had learned about friendship. I responded with, “So far? I’ve learned that if you don’t have the same genitals as your friends, you miss out on a lot that could bring you closer. Hell, I felt closer to you girls as ‘Roxy’ at times than I ever have as ‘Max’. For a few days, I really thought that it was just because I was a guy, but then I took other things into a account, like how you treated ‘Max’ instead of ‘Roxy’ and that you might be trying to do better for the next guy that may or may to come along. That’s what made me come clean instead of having Roxy just disappear one day. I honestly think that the time that we spent together over the last week is worth how mad you’ll be at me for deceiving you.” I shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned that you shouldn’t make assumptions or something. I made a lot of them about you girls, and even if I was usually right anyway, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I’ll say.” Rarity sniffed. “You should think more of your friends!” Oh, you cunt. You fuckin’-

“You were about to lynch Applejack and you told me to my face you didn’t like me as much as me. Apparently it wasn’t even a comparison. Shut up.”

Rarity balked. “Are you saying that as Roxy or as Max?”

“Both of us would have called you out.”

“As much as I’m enjoying seeing you all get along so well, I need to take my leave.” Celestia announced. “Is there anything I can help any of you with before you go?”

When no one said anything, I said, “Just take care. I’ll see you sometime.”

“When our paths cross again.” Celestia said with a nod. She teleported out moments later.

And yet, I was still a woman. I raised a hand to my head. “Hey Twilight, do you know the gender reversal spell?”

“I do, but I think you could spend some more time as ‘Roxy’. Does anypony object?”

She got chants of assent from around the table and most of the girls fixed me with grins to rival the Reaper’s. Applejack got up and left before and left before anyone could stop her, unfortunately, but no one stopped her at my request. She had plenty to absorb and I was sure that I was the one best suited for the job, so I went outside and looked around for her, but saw no sign of her. I wandered around the streets in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres, but she was nowhere to be found. I returned to Twilight’s after searching for a couple of hours, even if I wasn’t happy with anything anymore. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, to make it hurt so I could get a real breath in again. The weight on my chest came and went, the cycling between numbness and pain driving me up the wall. I took my time in coming through town and nothing happened on the way back, but I did return to find all of the girls giggling about something in the library. Before I could join them, Spike caught me in the hallway.

“Hey, Roxy, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, but you should probably know that I’m actually Max.”

“Riiight.” Spike said slowly. “I was just wondering what happened earlier? I thought I heard a lot of yelling from you and Celestia, but nopony’s told me why Celestia was here!”

“I wasn’t yelling, I was yodelig and Celestia was yelling because my yodeling skills are atrocious,” I responded coolly.

“...Yeah… I guess it must have been my imagination or something.” He remarked.

“You’re still young so it’s entirely possible. I’m going to go see what the girls are having a laugh about, care to come with?”

Spike shrugged, so we joined the girls. As it turns out, they had been laughing about taking a ‘stallion’ to try on clothes and other such sundries. They found it ever so amusing that I’d let my hair be styled and my makeup done. There were plenty of amusing little things that a guy would never do that I took part in, but then Fluttershy pointed out that we’d kissed, though she left out a couple spicy details following the kisses. She tried to make me feel bad about deceiving her. It wasn’t going to work. With a smile, I reminded Fluttershy and Rarity of the time they’d caused me to blackout and wake up in a random shop and they stopped laughing, which made me start laughing.

Twilight was the first to join me, then Pinkie because she realized that more people were laughing, then everyone else joined in because we’re fucking retarded. It felt like a fitting send off for their fast friend and my temporary identity, though I couldn’t help but still feel… A little unloved, I guess… Unappreciated to say the least, but unloved to be sure.

I dunno. I’m sitting here at home alone, and… Facing the empty house and knowing that ‘Roxy’ is gone… It makes me feel really alone. Especially knowing that I just ended things with Celestia… Christ, I need help, but I don’t know how to ask...

Author's Notes:

So uh... This one may or may not have had 30k to rewrite, plus extra scenes, plus altered interactions with all of the girls. I'm not doing 'actual' patch notes for this one; TL;DR: Max is less cool with the whole situation and the Galpals/Celestia gets called out for more shite.