It was harder to sleep than I’d anticipated and breaking the fresher nightmares… Awful, just awful. I ended up getting about two hours though, so I was up before Spike and he was happy to let me cook breakfast since it’s basically the only meal I know how to make outside meaty stuff. By the time I finished, got everything plated, and then started tucking into it with Twilight finally clomped down the stairs, half-dressed to impress. I was a fan of the light blue knickers her half-buttoned blouse didn’t cover, and I was also pleased by the amount of cleavage she was showing, though I doubted that she was more than a C-cup. I didn’t exactly stare at her before she sat down, but I did give myself a few seconds to record the memory for later use. I’m not a pervert, which is a lie. Let me start over. I might be a pervert, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to ogle the first tart that happens to let me do so, and I wasn’t really raised to do that to women in the first place. Slags and obvious sluts? Yeah, Dad told me to avoid looking at them too long, but when it came to real, legitimately respectable women? He’d told me to let them have their privacy because it wasn’t necessarily right to look them up and down. I felt bad for doing exactly that to Twilight, but it had only been for a few seconds and I’d kept my gaze largely to that cute, sleepy face of hers after that.

Breakfast was pleasant to say the least, but Twilight had a hard time keeping herself awake, even as she smiled through eating. She seemed pretty happy, though there was the time she smeared some eggs on her button nose. She frowned at that and needed some help to get her fork into her mouth, though when I touched her hand and guided it there, she just gave me a spacey smile and started chewing. I eventually got her a cup of my special version of a cuppa Joe, she perked up immediately before making a face. My Crude Oil Perma-Death was triple brewed and was probably poisonous at some level, but she handled it like a champ for the first sip. Now, I wasn’t really expecting Twilight to get past a couple of sips, and she proved me right by pouring spoonful after spoonful of sugar into her coffee before sipping it again. I just watched on with an amused look and sipped the bitter brew casually since my own coffee pot in the old church had seen its fair share of use.

Twilight tried it one last time and gave me a look before saying, “I want your cup.”

“Are you sure? There’s no sugar in mine.”

“Yes, I’m sure! Why did you give me the first cup out of the pot!?” She pouted and my heart took a pounding.

I slid my cup over to her, though she made a face at that too. “Let me guess; Too strong?

She slid both back over to me and ground her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Max, are you trying to kill me?”

I chuckled at her as she magicked up another cup and watered it down, her horn glowing all the while. The sight was odd to say the least, but when I took the mugs she’d passed I said, “Sorry about that, but I like my coffee like I like my women; darker than a winter storm, warm like a sunny fall day, and bitter enough to make the dead roll in their graves.”

She giggled and sipped her coffee, perking up little by little as she got the bitter brew down and woke the rest of the way up. When she was about halfway through her coffee and had generally started talking to me and Spike a little more, she got up and put her dishes in the sink. I let my eyes wander a little too much for my own liking.

Twilight was my hostess and I owed it to her to at least ask. "Oi, Twilight?"

"Hmm?"

"Are Ponies not very modest, or...?"

She glanced at me and opened her mouth before her face went blank. She took one look at what she was wearing and her face turned a bright, cherry red. “Oh-my-gosh-not-again!” There was a little popping noise and my hostess disappeared.

When I looked at where Twilight had been. No one was there and Spike was snickering his tail off. "... Okay. Guess I should've said something sooner..."

"No, that was perfect! I don't know what she meant by 'again', but that was great!" Spike cackled evilly and I felt a kindred spirit in the little guy.

"Oi, she wasn't thinking about it. I feel bad." I really do. Her arse might be every bit as nice as AJ's, but I doubt she'll look me in the eye now.

"She embarrasses me all the time. It's only fair," he snorted.

"Fair enough."

We finished up with breakfast and I helped him clean up before I decided to make use of the fact that I was in a library. I grabbed a few history books, a bestiary, and an herbiary or two so I could familiarize myself with some more of the world and the flora and fauna that were coming around. I skimmed through the history books because they were always brief and to the point. As far as I could tell, Equestria either had an extremely censored history or the place was naturally nonsensical. Everything from the Unity Day to the rise of Nightmare Moon; little of it made sense in or out of context. The bestiary I had ended up settling on mostly involved the Everfree and similar forbidden forests, which were all places I didn't want to go. Shit was crazy, mate. Everything from an Aye-Aye to a fucking Padfoot was included, though how a demon managed to get into a forest nearby one of the most colourful, cheeriest places I'd ever seen, I’ll never know.

When I was through with the bestiary and was moving onto the herbiary, two people came into the library and one of them was awfully familiar. Rainbow Dash struck up a bad fighting stance while her bright pink, meter-and-some tall friend bounced up to me in the most literal of senses. I wondered why Rainbow was hanging out with someone who couldn't have been much more than fourteen from what I'd seen around town, but the one with the multicolored mane came over and frowned at me. I rose and extended a hand to her, my face flat. There wasn't much on my mind, but I didn't need any enemies in anty case. It was just a bad idea to start bullshit when there need be no bullshit.

“We got off on the wrong foot, Dash. Well, in your case the wrong hoof. How about we let the little shit go and try not to choke each other? Wipe the slate clean?” I gave her my olive branch.

She looked at my hand and shook it after a brief moment and nodded. “It never hurts to just let stuff go, I guess... I’m gonna keep that knife though.”

“Wasn’t really expecting to get it back anyway, so more power to you.” I answered, looking at the overly pink girl who was bouncing in place. I tried to shake her hand too, but when she looked me in the eye, she beamed like she'd confirmed something, gasped. and ran off like a pink blur. She took off fast enough to leave a trail too “... Okay. Okay...” God, I guess they do have speed here.

“Ah, don’t worry about that, dude, it’s just Pinkie being Pinkie,” Rainbow assured me. “If you’re lucky she’ll do something nice for you.”

I scratched my head. “... Here’s hoping that I’m not quite that lucky.”

Rainbow Runt gave me a weird look. “Why wouldn't you want someone to do something nice for you? It’s not like most ponies around here would ask for anything back.”

“... Is- Are you guys just not skeptical or something? Like, I assume that Twilight did some kind of magic to make sure I wouldn't mess anything up, and I know Applejack doesn’t trust me, so what’s the deal?” I asked, confused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude... Ponies around here are just happy to help most days.”

“... That’s weird. You’re weird. This town is weird.”

“Nopony’s going to tell you any different,” Rainbow deadpanned. “I'm not weird though, Alien-Colt." I looked her up and down, leaning forward a bit. "... I gotta find a book, so..."

"You're still weird, Blue Bean."

She gave me a look, but she seemed to take the smile for what it was worth. "Have fun soaking in the weirdness, and stop calling mares whorses.”

"I didn't know what it meant!"

"Really?"

"A horse is a type of animal back on Earth. So are Ponies and Donkeys. None of 'em do much other than let you pet them and break your bones if you don't treat them right. A horse is literally just a larger species of pony."

"... Really?" Rainbow tapped her chin.

"Yeah, and they do not come in blue, purple, or fuckin' pink. This world is abso-lutely nuts to me." I chucked to myself and kinda tried to soak it in all over again.

Rainbow eventually 'mosied along' (I think Americans say that. Equestria seems a lot like the place.) and got her book and I went back to doing the thing I was doing. While I was being surprised that Rainbow could actually read, Twilight's foot- hoofsteps sounded coming down the stairs of the Treehouse... Housetree. Treebrary... Yeah, that's Noice. She came down from the first floor to the ground floor and went back to reading as casually as I could considering I was on a different planet and the language was hard to make out. I ended up taking Twilight aside so she could help me make a cheat sheet of sorts for the Equestrian Alphabet. She was surprised to learn that I had a decent idea of what was going on in most forms of decent penmanship and a few of the more awful ones, but we spent the time converting Equestrian to the Latin alphabet together and I got an even better understanding of the language from it.

I blame Twilight and her enthusiasm for teaching and learning, but she taught me a few helpful tricks once we knew the biggest differences. There were mostly just extra lines or fused letter in Equish, but it was still a little troublesome all the same. We had just finished up with the majority of the Equish accents when there was a knock on the front door and Twilight had to leave me to my own devices. I heard her greet someone before tuning them both out to continue with my studies, but then Hostess Lady came back with a white mare who had a violet mane. I thought the new pony was pretty damned beautiful in the classic sense and wondered if Twilight had more cute friends as a result. A decent look at the woman told me she applied way too much makeup for me to be interested and the look in her eye when she saw me? Pure disdain, even if I had something for her. As for the makeup; Flair is one thing, but gaudiness was another, and the somewhat tasty-tart was toeing the line. Hoofing the line. Whatever. Either way, I didn't like her look or the look she was giving me, but I was willing to bet that she was better than I assumed. Even Rainbow didn't seem all that bad after some time.

“Max, this is Rarity, one of my best friends and the mare you were supposed to be hunting down,” Twilight said, giving me a little smile at the end.

I rose from my seat and offered her my hand. “It’s a pleasure, Miss Rarity. I do have something for you from a mutual friend, so let me grab it real quick, yeah?”

The expression on her face was patient, at least. “Take your time, Max. I’m in no hurry.”

I gave her a nod and went upstairs to retrieve the crown Magnet had given her, returning to the scene to find Spike fawning over Rarity like the love-struck preteen he was, apparently. “Stephen Magnet sends his regards,” I handed the crown over to her. "He also told me that you could help me see him again, but the guy's kinda scary."

Rarity beamed and accepted it gratefully. “Oh, Stephen is such a sweetheart, though! I’ll have to find some way of paying him back for this lovely gift!”

My eye twitched a little when I heard more of Rarity’s upper-crust, affluent accent in full force. Not only was it fake as fuck, I’d heard plenty others that were similar to it in all the wrong ways while on strolls. Most of those voices had been talking down to me, trying to cheat me, or asking me to stab one of their nearest and dearest in the back after I got them their swag. I seized some spiteful words with my teeth and smiled, nodding once before I made to go back to my reading.

However, before I could do just that, Rarity said, “Oh, Max, before you return to your studies I’d just like you to feel free to stop by my boutique at any time.” I really don't want to. “I’m sure we could find just the right look for you with a little time.”

I gave her a tight grin that made her beam harder for some reason. Seriously, I'd seen more genuine smiles from mundane shit in the past twenty-four hours than I had in the past... Actually, let's not put a number on that. It's kinda sad “Of course, I’ll have to stop by once I find a steady job-”

“Oh, posh! You’ve done me a favour so allow me to do you one in turn, darling! After all, you could have turned out to be a bad pony and kept the crown for yourself after all.” Don't you dare say a damned thing, Purps.

Twilight blushed and coughed, so I gave her a funny look. “Are you choking on nonexistent irony, Twilight?”

“I-I mean, i-its just that… You know…”

“I do believe I’m missing something,” Rarity said.

I gave her a little smile and rolled my eyes. “You are. I told Twilight that I considered taking your crown for myself and she got all skittish about me doing just that. I’d still like to maintain that if I wanted to steal it, I wouldn't have said anything about delivering it to you in the first place. Honestly, who would tell on themselves like that?”

Rarity gave me an odd look, not smiling at all. Keep looking at me like that and you can get the Svrikari treatment. “... Why would you 'consider' taking someone else’s gift? It wouldn’t serve you, would it?”

I furrowed my brow. “... Does the concept of selling stolen goods not exist here?”

The moderately well-endowed aristocunt-wannabe seemed perturbed by the idea. “Well, of course the concept exists, but who in their right mind would actually practice it?” Guess who’s scratching out their entire past?

“Fair enough I suppose. If it eases your mind at all, I would only steal from someone who stole from me, but then I’d be taking back what they took in the first place.” I smirked fondly at the memory of my brother and me, stealing a piece of swag back and forth when we’d first met. We rolled the hell out of each other. I remember hitting that bastard with a two-by-four at one point and he left me pissing blood for a week.

Good times. Simple times.

Twilight made an odd noise. “Uh, Max? Why are you smiling about stealing?”

“It just reminds me of someone I miss is all,” I replied, shaking my head. “I think I need to get out and about for a little bit. Either of you beautiful H- Pony-Persons got a little time to show an alien around town?”

"Who was the some'one'?" She added some air quotes.

I shrugged. "Me mate and me brother. I-"

"What? You were thinking of yourself and your brother?" Rarity asked.

"Yeah, technically, but I was calling him my friend and brother. We weren't blood-related."

“'Weren't'?”

I shook my head, suddenly thirsty for something that would make me dehydrated anyway. “Gone for a few years now. How about that walk?”

Her face fell and she placed a hand on my arm. “Oh, I’m sorry darling, I-” That's genuine remorse right there. Maybe you aren't a cunt.

“Oi, it’s okay. Of course, you’d be curious after I brought him up.” I nudged her shoulder with a fist, cracking a grin. "Anyway, we met by stealing from each other. It wasn't a bad night, but it hurt."

“... We can go for that walk here in a moment if you’d like,” Twilight offered, looking worried about how fondly I remembered getting rolled. It wasn't unwarranted. “I just want to write one quick little letter and we’ll be ready to get out of the house.”

Spike stood around, staring creepily at Rarity with literal hearts in his eyes like it was an ahegao hentai or some shit, so I kinda hoped that he’d opt to stay behind. Little bruv was cool and all, but I was beginning to think that he was the type to sniff the brown patch on a pair of dirty knickers. Twilight got her letter written out, but she just tied it into a scroll and had a ‘Eureka!’ moment explode across her face for a moment and her realization turned into excitement

“Max! How did your people communicate across long distances?” Twilight asked excitedly.

I gave her a little smile. “We had a lot of ways of doing it, to be honest with you. I know you Ponies have radio-like things, but my people had a device called a telephone that was similar to a radio in the way that you could use it to hear someone from miles away. However, a phone would let you talk back and forth with multiple people from all over the world if you so chose, and there was a thing called the internet that basically held the majority of mankind’s information. Everything from how to build a fire to how to calculate the trajectory of a rocket you can send to the surface of the moon; everything in one place. It was pretty-"

Twilight blinked at me and held the scroll out to Spike. He blew a gout of fire at it and the shit blew me fuckin’ mind, m8. “That’s how we do our thing, I guess," she said blankly.

I scratched the back of my head. ... The fuck. “You... burn your mail? Does it... Does it actually burn?”

“... How do you send letters?”

“We sent letters with the post office, but there were also little devices we usually used that stored pictures, messages, games; a bunch of stuff. I’d have to show you and let you get a little familiar with one so you could actually know what it’s for, but I’m not smart enough to make one. I doubt Equestria is technologically advanced enough to make anything like it right now, let alone a decent one.”

“Wow…” Twilight and Rarity chorused. Spike didn't really care. I was kinda with him, but the novelty of burning mail?

Kinda cool.

I was about to respond when a golden flash of light materialized another letter, and when Twilight gave it a quick skim, she smiled and said that Rarity was free to take me around town. She herself had to stay to wait for an important visitor, but we could go do whatever. I didn't want to sleep with Rarity and that's kinda how I base my relationships with people, so I friendzoned her. I didn’t miss the jealousy in Spike’s eyes when Rarity hooked her arm through mine and suggested that we get a move on, but there wasn't even an iota of my being that wanted to take his crush from him.

  We started with some parts of the town that I was familiar with, but then Rarity took me to a couple of restaurants and a bakery or three, naming Sugarcube Corner as the best place to get a decent breakfast on the go. I asked if the made egg and cheese scones, to which Rarity replied that they did but that they were biscuits and I doubled down on the whole 'Parallel to Ameri-llel' thing. I resolved to go get one tomorrow morning when I started the job hunt in earnest, but it could wait until I didn't have to explain where my money was coming from. It would've been really hard to tell people I stole shit when they already thought that keeping a gift was morally depraved. Not just wrong, but depraved. There was a lot of shit I wasn't going to be able to do, so I wondered if I could luck out and join a group of spies or something. It would make sense for my skillset and I seemed to blend in well enough to get by.

As I ruminated on jobs I could actually do, Rarity was trying to get my attention with small talk and I quieted my thoughts of home and familiar jobs. “So, Max, what’s your Cutie Mark?” She asked casually as we strolled around town.

While she was holding onto me, I was trying my damndest to be distracted. She was squishy in all the right ways, even if she was in the friendzone. “Cutie Mark? I don’t think I know what that is, unless it's a mark you get for being a cutie. If that's the case, the cute-fairy skipped me.”

“Oh, I wouldn't say that," She giggled, hip-checking me. "Maybe a little care for your mane and some of my facial-cleanser and I daresay you might be one of the more attractive stallions in town."

"Slim pickings?"

"Well, yes, but it was a-"

"A compliment, I know." I nudged her right back. "So what's the deal with Cutie Marks?"

"Well, they're like... Images that show your special talent, I suppose. Are you saying that you don’t have a special talent?” Rarity seemed surprised, though it was meted out in a way that was still polite.

“I suppose you could call my special talent climbing. I’ve always been oddly good at it,” I said truthfully.

“... What purpose does climbing things serve? I mean, not to disparage your talents, but how do you know that you’re good at it?” She inquired, befuddled.

I gave her a sidelong glance. “Do Ponies not climb trees or something? I mean, I basically free-run when the situation calls for it, but do you guys not have a reason to climb anything?”

“Ponies don’t do trees, darling.” Rarity huffed. “Trees are the bane of kites and frisbees everywhere since it’s hard for a Pony to get out of a tree safely.”

I tugged her a bit closer to me and she tittered for some odd reason. I wasn’t trying to charm her, I just think she’s just kinda slutty. It'd explain the amount of cleavage I could see from a casual glance and how she seemed to try and make it catch my eye. “Well, trees and buildings happen to be my thing. If Twilight asks where I am, tell her that I climbed the Treebrary."

Rarity giggled. “What would you be hiding from up there, hm?”

“You, mostly.” For reasons like this. Seriously, are you just overly friendly? “Do you know how warm you are?”

She patted my arm. “I don’t believe I hear you complaining.”

“I believe your boyfriend might sooner or later.” I just hope you know about Spike.

Rarity scoffed. “Please. We've already covered the fact that there aren’t exactly that many available stallions in Ponyville." What does- Oh. Oh. Oh shit. "I believe you’ll find that you have plenty of options here, should you choose to stay.”

I took a moment to consider that, and on a couple of levels, I was a little disturbed. I mean, what red-blooded nerd hasn’t at least thought about nailing a hot humanoid alien? Shit, I was still planning on trying to get a ‘swig’ Applejack at some point, but that didn't mean I was going to be a whore about it. I mean, the Ponies looked damn near Human save for the wings and horns that seemed to be rare among them, and other than the fur, ears, and hooves, they were almost like me. The thought of sleeping with one seemed odd in a way that was still kind of attractive, to say the least, but I wasn’t necessarily going to make it a high priority, let alone the top one. Now, I couldn’t really see myself sleeping with Rarity for a lotta reasons, but Applejack could get it if she wanted it. I knew Twilight probably wouldn’t be up for anything, but I wasn’t really attracted to her like that at the moment. She was interesting in her own special way, but I couldn’t really put my finger on it. Rainbow was out of the running all together since she had a runner’s body, and I tend to like my ladies with a little something to hold onto. Speaking of women with something to hold onto, I wonder how Milky’s doing…

Why am I drooling? I need some milk.

Anyway, Rarity showed me a few landmarks like the park, a few stores that sold general goods, a place to get personal hygiene products, and the facial-stuff she mentioned earlier. She recommended more than a few brands for my hair after feeling it and grimacing which kinda hurt my feelings. I guess my three-in-one wasn't doing me too many favours. I asked about a place to get alcohol because bourbon, but Rarity thought I wanted wine which I wouldn't hesitate to drink. It was just that I preferred bourbon because of reasons. Actually, I think Dad used to drink it when he was celebrating, I just don't remember him doing it often. I still firmly believe that Coca Cola and Jim Beam were pretty much two of the ten good things to come out of the Shites- States. With Rarity not really striking me as the type to share a tumbler of rotgut, I offered to share a bottle of something white and dry with her one day if she was up to it.I think she was just happy to have a drinking buddy who actually had a tongue for alcohol besides the friend she mentioned. I'd heard 'Buttershy' or something.

When we got back to the Treebrary Rarity told me to tell the purple one that she was sorry for leaving without a proper goodbye, but I didn’t dig too deeply into it since it wasn’t my business. I didn’t knock when I entered, but I did call out, “Oi! Where’s the nearest sapient thing-person?”

I heard some giggling from the kitchen before Twilight said, “We’re in here, Max! I have someone very special for you to meet!”

I was tempted to fuck off and not go into the kitchen, but then Twilight met me in the doorway and practically dragged me in anyway, so that plan was bollixed. She lead me into the kitchen by the wrist and stopped me in front of a tall, absolutely breathtaking woman that made my heart pound in my chest and my breathing hitch slightly on sight. Like Rarity, she was a stark white, but her coat seemed to be tinged with a warmth that Rarity’s lacked. Her endowments were far more substantial than the other woman’s, and so was her fucking beauty. I could see just from the 'mare's' hips that she had more arse than times people had called me one, and her long, flowing pastel rainbow of a mane seemed to billow in a nonexistent breeze. When I looked at her face, I couldn't help but be lovestruck. Her almond shaped, muted mauve eyes met my forest green ones and I didn’t doubt for a second that she knew that I was a low-down plucker at heart, or that I strolled for fun sometimes. I also didn’t doubt that she wouldn’t judge me for being less than what I could be. I wanted her acceptance from the beginning, so I gave her a wide smile and came forward to shake her hand.

“Wow. May I just hello and say if I were any more starstruck, you’d be an actual celestial body and I would be on fire. My name’s Max, but you can call me whatever the bloody fuck you want. What's your name, love?” I asked pleasantly.

Twilight elbowed me in the ribs and that shit hurt. I hissed as she said, “Max, this is my teacher, Princess Celestia.”

I gave Twilight a look. “It’s rude to answer someone’s questions when you weren’t asked, you know. And that pains my rib-bones.”

Twilight glared at me for a second and shot Celestia a nervous smile. “I’m sure Max just doesn't have royalty where he’s from.”

Celestia smiled, clearly amused, but I answered before she could. “Yeah, we have royalty. What of it? It's not like they give enough shits to stop by and say high.”

Twilight stared at me. “Do you treat your Princesses like this?”

I gave her a look. “... Uh, I think there’s like, two of 'em, and I’ve never met either. No offense, Princess," I turned toward her and saw her amusement, "but It’s not like royalty is known for taking commoners as students or stopping by to see how Average Joe and Jane were doing,” I answered dryly, gesturing toward 'Celestia' with a casual wave of my hand.

“But you know how to treat royalty, do you not!?” Twilight whispered fiercely.

“They get enough special treatment from people who aren’t me. Fuck all that bullshit. Why bow and scrape?” It's not like they need every little person to suck their arses, right?

Twilight facepalmed pretty hard and Celestia let out a melodious chuckle. “It’s refreshing to see someone who cares so little about status and power after all my years. I can’t remember the last time a pony who wasn’t a King or an uppity noble dared swear around me.”

“If it bothers you, I’ll try not to do it so much, but it’s like, half of the language I speak.” I shrugged flippantly. “It is what it is, sugart-” I cut myself off before Twilight could actually kill me, glancing at her.

As it was, Twilight still rammed her elbow into my ribs. “You don’t give the Princess a pet-name!”

“Fuck! Stop. Doing. That." I rubbed my side and moved away from her. "Besides, what if she wants a nicky? You know what, Twilight? Why don’t you let the sovereign ruler of your proud nation decide what she does and doesn’t like?” I asked irritably.

Twilight colored and sputtered. “I-I wasn’t trying to-”

“Why don’t we sit down for tea and we can let the funny alien stop getting under your fur?” Celestia chuckled and gave me a wink.

I gave her one in turn. “I don’t know, I think being under Twilight's roof is going to make me start abusing people."

The little librarian hit me and said, “Shush! I am not abusive!”

I held my arm, grimacing. “Fuckin’ ow. If you're not abusive-”

Twilight folded her arms and huffed, giving me a stern look that just pissed me off. “You shouldn’t have said-”

I kicked the back of her knee and she had herself a nice little pratfall. “Oh sorry, you should’ve kept your hands to yourself.” I grumbled, checking out the nasty bruise that was already forming on my arm.

“Oh my! How did Twilight manage that?” Celestia gasped, coming closer to check my arm.

Twilight was already back on her hooves, looking at the bruise herself. “Oh… I forgot that you were frail compared to a Pony…”

Celestia laid a hand on me and healed the bruise with a spell, but my arm still kinda hurt. “There. You shouldn’t have any more problems.”

“Thanks, Miss Celestia-” I started.

Twilight gasped. “Max! Would it kill you to show a little respect!?”

I looked at Celestia and blurted, “I love your eyes, but there are two bigger things about you that I love. I’m torn.”

The Princess blushed lightly and gave me a little smile. “Few stallions would presume to flirt with one of the co-rulers of Equestria.”

“Few ‘stallions’ have the stones to do it,” I scoffed. “Just think; if I’m brave enough to risk being arrested for treason, what other interesting things might I do?”

Celestia’s eyes flickered to Twilight for the briefest of moments. “I’m not sure if I should ask you to elaborate on that, so I’ll just leave it where it lies. Tell me, what’s the ruler of your country like, Max?”

“Well the Queen's an old bat who’s seen more bullshit in Parliament than your average farmer,” I replied humorlessly. “Seriously; she’s gotta be a hundred years old by now, but that's the Queen, not the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister is a guy named Boris and he... Might be retarded. It's actually kinda likely.”

“I'm going to ignore the fact that you seem to think so little of your own nation." She just raised her brows and shook her head. "Do you think a hundred years is truly that old?” Celestia asked, seeming pretty tickled with a truth on her lips that I wanted to hear.

“What would you consider old?” I inquired in turn.

Celestia just smiled and folded her arms, making my attention dip for a second. “Why, It would have to be at least two thousand years before I considered someone old.”

I chuckled. “Cute. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you’re pushing four ‘K’ and that Rainbow Dash is older than me.”

The Princess just smiled while Twilight chimed in with, “Um, Max? Rainbow’s the oldest out of my friends, and Celestia’s ruled Equestria for nearly four thousand years.”

I grinned at Celestia. “What made Twilight special enough for you to teach her with your thousands of years of wisdom?” I asked, not buying it for a second.

The white Pony gave me an odd look. “That’s a strange question given the prior subject matter, but I suppose it would have had to have been Twilight’s aptitude for magic.”

“If I tell you that I have an aptitude for oral, will you teach me on that subject?” I asked bravely.

The direct request went clear over Twilight’s head, but Celestia heard it for what it was and coloured, clearing her throat. “I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about, but I could be persuaded to tutor you in a subject or two if you were interested.”

Twilight gave me a dirty look and I gave her a smile. “Don’t be jealous, Twilight. Green isn’t your color.”

“You can read auras?” Twilight asked skeptically.

I blinked. “... I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s a thing here, but no. I can read body language pretty decently though.”

“Body language?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah. Things like micro-expressions, nervous tics, open gestures, tonal shifts; you name it, I can get a vibe off of it. It’s how I know that Celestia’s less likely to slap me for giving her an honest compliment than you are,” I replied.

“Why would I hit you for a compliment?”

“Your tail looks so soft and fluffy. Is it odd if I ask to touch it?” I asked, fully expecting her to say yes.

Twilight tilted her head at me. “I wouldn’t mind... As long as you don't pull it, I guess.”

I palmed her arse and threw myself backwards when she tried to slap me. “That wasn’t my tail!”

“That’s what it’s called on a Human!” I argued, biting back a smile.

“You’re so full of it!” Twilight huffed, her cheeks bright red.

Celestia was trying not to giggle for a solid couple of seconds before controlling the urge. “I’m sure it was just a societal difference, Twilight.”

“Yeah! I explicitly asked for your permission and you said don’t pull your tail! I didn’t pull, did I? I just touched!” God, I can’t believe I’m about to get away with that. Great arse, though.

Twilight pointed a judicious finger at me. “Keep your hands to yourself, Mister!”

I raised my hands in defeat. “I’m sorry for being a weird alien, Twilight. I’ll try to pick up on Equestrian no-nos faster.”

She crossed her arms and glared at me, still blushing lightly. “You’d better.”

“Now Twilight, I’m sure that Max is just adjusting to a new environment as best he can. It’s not like he’s trying to upset you, right Max?” Celestia asked, giving me an out.

I nodded. “I’d only purposefully try to upset you if you gave me a good reason to.”

Twilight huffed, but she seemed to cool down when Celestia suggested we go have the tea that had probably gotten cold over the course of our little introduction. Purps sat between Snowbell and I while the conversation was going, and every time my eyes wandered away from Celestia’s face for more than a second, Twilight made sure I felt her wrath under the table until I kicked her back. May I reiterate that I wear composite-toed shoes? They might not be steel, but still. She quit her shit when I got her back and her face told me that I’d gotten her a little too good, so I asked Celestia if I could have a word alone with her. The Princess didn’t seem to pick up on why, but that might have just been wishful thinking.

When she was out of the room, Twilight let out a little whimper. “Ow…”

“I’d apologize, but you kicked me harder,” I reminded.

“Yes, but I’m more sensitive than you!” Twilight whispered pitifully.

I gave her a deadpan look before rolling up the leg of my trousers to show her the damage she’d done. My shit was all kinds of black and blue “You’ve been doing a number on me, love. Shit hurts.”

“... I’m sorry.” Twilight murmured before rubbing her own leg.

“Apology not accepted. I want a hug after Celestia leaves.” I demanded playfully.

She gave me a worried look and covered her chest. “You’re gonna grope me!”

"Twilight?" Celestia called.

"Misunderstanding!" I called back. “I’m not going to grope you, I promise.” I gave her a warm smile.

Her cheeks pinked slightly. “... Pinkie Promise?”

I offered her my pinkie and she hooked it. “Pinkie Promise, Purps. Now stop hitting me so I don’t have to hit you back.”

“Stop being a pervert so I don’t have to hit you!” She protested.

I booped her and she scrunched her face up. Answering in a louder voice, I said, “I’ll try to hold back, but you yourself don’t make it very easy. I tried not to look this morning, but…” I scratched my face and looked off into the distance.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Er… I-I usually don’t have company over for breakfast.”

I looked back at her to see her blushing and looking at her lap. “If it makes you feel any better, the half-dressed and half-awake look makes you seem even cuter than usual.” Her face went back to that bright, cherry-red and I couldn’t help myself, so I gave her a peck on the cheek for funsies and goodwill. “I’m going to grab Celestia unless there’s something you want to talk about?”

“N-No, I’m okay…” Twilight rubbed her cheek and tried to quell the minute smile she was wearing.

I couldn’t help but feel like I’d gotten into her head a little with my words, but I’d made my attraction to Celestia far more obvious. Rarity telling me that there wasn’t much game in town for the ladies struck me as a little odd, but I didn’t know what all that was supposed to mean. So far, I’d had Rares cling to me like glue, Celestia had been responsive if not a little hesitant with her reactions (Present company probably being the reason), and Twilight was extremely tender and bashful, but it seemed as though the spark was there to be ignited. The odds were stacking up higher and higher that I was going to get a piece of Pony before a month passed, but I wasn’t sure if I was necessarily down for it anymore. The fact that it was being thrown at me kinda made the whole thing suck. I mean, I'll never turn down a free meal, but easy lays...? There's no glory in quick battle. No romance to it either, but... I don't even know why I brought that up... Or why I'm thinking of- Nope. Not even writing it down.

After retrieving Celestia, we finished up a conversation about getting me Equestrian citizenship and Celestia broke some very hard news to me. Her sister, Luna, had spent a thousand years searching the stars for other planets with life, but had found none. She also said that her mages just weren’t advanced enough for any kind of reliable extra-dimensional travel, let alone extra-planetary exploration on a larger scale that Luna had already done. It was rough news to hear since there was basically no way I was getting back to my home, my world, or my time period if we were talking about being temporally displaced but I bit the bullet and smiled through it. At that point, I really just wanted to lie down for a while. I know Celestia saw through the sham and offered me an out by asking if I’d like a drink. I agreed without a second thought and that was my first mistake. My second mistake was telling Celestia that I was fond of just about anything, so she brought out a liqueur that was far too sweet to be enjoyable, though Twilight loved it. I didn’t realize how strong it was due to how sweet it was, and two glasses later I was feeling some type of good. Apparently the Princess needed her stuff to be strong in order to really enjoy it. I didn't blame her, but I'd drank on an empty stomach since breakfast had long since digested and Rarity hadn't wanted to stop for lunch or dinner. Two tall tumblers had me smiling and forgetting a lot of my troubles, which was probably the point.

I sent myself off to bed before I could make a fool of myself and had a few glasses of water once I figured out how to properly fill a cup again. It wasn't so much the cup part as the tap portion of the trial, but I got it figured out fast enough to not think myself spastic. The last comment Twilight made definitely meant that I'd have to keep my wits about me in the future, though I think I only let loose so much because of the people I was with. I felt comfortable with Twilight and Celestia in a way that didn't make much sense to me. That, and it's not like I was the only one who was a little drunk by their second glass. Twilight was smiley and awfully talkative while Celestia just amused by us. I tried not to hit on both of them for the short time it took me to realize that I was already buzzing, but I mostly got giggles from Celestia and nervous little smiles from Twilight before we called it a night.

It’s been rather difficult to get this written out since, you know, drinking, but it’s not all bad. I’m sobering up a bit, but I swear I keep hearing someone outside of my borrowed room every now and again. It hasn’t really been enough to check out, but I think I’m just being paranoid anyway.

Fuck it. It’s nap time.

Author's Notes:

(A/N- Snow days are good for progress! None of the interactions between characters really indicate future relationships, so sorry if you wanted Kaid aka Max to get with one of your favorite characters. Please leave a comment if you have any suggestions or advice. Have a nice day and stuff)

Rewrite: Just fixed a few formatting issues and did a spell check. Shit looks alright.

Original length: 2720

2/10/18 Rewrite: Fixed the ridiculous pacing and added in a few observations.
The Barbeque Rib Recipe