Life had gone from better to sucking eggs rather quickly and it wasn't because I'd done something to make it suck. I got bumrushed by something fast, blue, and just about as bony as I was, so I didn't find much of the ride to be pleasant. Skidding across the ground was terrible and ruined my jacket as I later found out, but I was mostly, definitely pissed about being ridden like I was some kind of scooter that you play with at school. It wasn't fun, the cunt on top of me was heavy, and life was, again, sucking a fat pair of eggs that cracked in my mouth and left me with yolk in my gob. There wasn't much I could do about it until said person sliding on me got off, and she didn't apparently seem to be in any hurry to do so. My arms were pinned beneath her legs, my back was firmly planted in the ground, and when we actually came to a stop, she had the gall to breathe a sigh of relief. While still on top of me.

I opened my eyes and glared up at the blue-painted Furry-wannabe cunt that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I’ve ever experienced. “Whoa, total wipeout! Are you okay, dude?”

“Get the fuck off!” I grunted so saltily I could’ve attracted game or livestock. Little did I fucking know.

She got off with and said, “Wow. Don’t have to be a douche about it, dude.” Bitch, you can’t be serious. You cereally cannot be serious right now.

“You fuckin’ Furry-cock-suckin’ ditch rat! The fuck did you tackle me for!? Seriously!?” I was channeling my inner Dragon, Outraged Pokemon-style as I got to my feet.

“I didn’t do it on purpose! You should have gotten out of the way!” The dumbarse barked back.

“Woman- You gotta be takin’ the piss… with me…” She’d spread her wings as I spoke, the obviously not fake things making my voice die in my throat. “... Christ…”

She looked at my confused face, seeming pretty bewildered herself. “... You good?”

“... Those are wings.”

“Yeah, I was flying. You kinda need wings to do that most of the time.”

I stared at her head because her horse ears flicked from time to time. “... Holy shit. Holy shit… I’m not on drugs. I am not on drugs!”

Her demeanor seemed to shift from irritated to cautious. “... I repeat; You good?”

“What. The. Fuck.” I backed away from her.

“That’s kinda rude…”

“The fuck are you!?”

“... A Pegasus?”

“Four- legs- Horse! Pegahorse! Gah fuck!” I fell back, no longer so much as irritated.

“... Did you just call me a horse?”

“... I have to be on drugs.” I murmured. “God, these are some really strong drugs.” And it fit my situation. First the flaming River Beast-Serpent thing, then the blue horse-woman.

“I really hope you are because that gives you half a reason to call somepony a horse.”

I just stared for a second. “... You’re not a horse-person? Er, like, a centaur?”

“... I don’t know what ‘person’ means, but I heard ‘horse’ again. Keep it up, bud,” she growled, “I’ll show you a horse.”

“... What… What are you?”

“A Pegasus. What the buck are you? Where even are your ears, shrimp-dick?” I would’ve replied to that if I wasn’t shocked, but I just moved my hair and showed her. “... Oh.”

“So you’re… You’re not a horse…?”

“Why do you keep insulting me?” Her brow furrowed and she took a step toward me.

“... I’m not. I don’t have to. I’m not going to.” I got to my feet. Kaid, are you gonna deal with this? No, Kaid, I’m gonna find some water, see if I still have that half-G on me, and then try to smoke it. This… This is too intense to be Lucy. “Goodbye, farewell, and good flying magic-horse-woman-creature-thing. Please don’t hurt me while I-” And thus I yeeted myself away when she started toward me.

I tried running. I really did. I’d usually consider myself a fast little fucker, but I didn’t have wings. She flew and caught up with me in less than five full seconds which really, truly sucked. The only reason I’d dodged her first attack was because I’d looked over my shoulder, so I considered myself lucky and decided to try and Dark Souls her arse toward the town I’d been trying to get to in the first place. By that I mean I circle-strafed her and dodged her blows when they came since she wasn’t really trying to hurt me, just get some licks in. However, I had a bad feeling about getting hit by an alien/mutant/abomination and spent my time not getting hurt. I stumbled over knots and rocks in the soil from time to time, but I was making good headway.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired Pega-person, but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall. With that sorted out and her just about loopy as shit, I beat feet like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I’m inside so… You know what? I’m just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I bolted and left the Pegasus-thing where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall give or take. It would’ve reflected poorly on me if I’d up and stomped her face in, but it would’ve been worse if I’d gotten my shit kicked in like I thought I would. I let it go for the time being and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down.

Once I’d gotten rid of my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I debated losing it because it reminded me of Babs and wondered why I’d even brought it. Granted, I hadn’t chosen any of the things I’d worn, but I hated the thing anyway and hated Babs more than anyone else in my entire twenty years. With a note of finality and a hope of getting rid of the reminder, decided to give it to some short horse-girl that was probably a kid and got to stepping. I spent a couple minutes just walking aimlessly, looking for marks that I could stroll past up until I actually saw the blue one talking animatedly to some pastel-orange horse-person. I’d seen a lot of horse-people in a lot of colours and the new one was… Actually kinda hot… She wore an American cowboy-hat and had blonde hair, which was like a breath of fresh air among the colour-vomit of the other hybrids/aliens. I took a moment to look at the fucking tail she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and I’ll admit my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing she had a great arse that I would have loved to get a handful of at some point. Yes, I have dirty thoughts, but that’s because my blood is red and I’m a male of my species. Even if she was a Furry’s dream partner, she was still an alien and xenophilia is not wrong. Being a Furry is wrong, but xenophilia is sexy. Just ask Captain Kirk or Yoda. I’m pretty sure Yoda got laid at some point.

I didn’t let my eyes linger too long after I’d seen her face and kept walking around since I didn’t have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it. With nothing else to do, I considered going inside and had a few people stop and talk to me. The conversations usually ranged from, ‘Are you new to town?’ to ‘I’ve never seen you before!’ and I responded in kind. Even if I was weirded out by the aliens there still wasn’t a reason to be rude to people who’d done nothing to me. A lot of the people I’d talked to didn’t seem to notice I was one of them, but after the last, green as fuck one finished with their inquiries, I decided to take an active role in learning stuff. Call it my kitty-curiosity.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and. The horse-woman gave me an odd look. “Sweetheart, why wouldn’t you be allowed in?” Holy fuck!

I shrugged, struggling to not let my gaze dip below her lips. “Where I’m from you only go to the Courthouse if you’re in trouble or if someone you know is.”

The woman gave me a questioning look. “Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct.” You’ve never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you?

“Neither, actually. I’m from Swindon, England. In the Wiltshire area.” I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart.

“Oh? I’ve never heard of England.” She said. Fuck me. Fuck me sideways with a boo- Barnacle! I mean barnacle! “It’s not like I look at atlas’ all day, though.”

It was a struggle to not look when she crossed her arms. The effort I put forth should have gotten me paid. “Eh, it’s probably not on any map you’ll find here, I’m guessing. It was nice meeting you Miss…?”

“I’m the local Milk-Mare, Milky Way,” The blue haired woman said pleasantly.

I extended a hand and she shook it. Fake name fake name fake name- “Name’s Maximus, but most people I like call me Max.” I gave her a little smirk. Maxwell, if your name get me killed, I’m plugging your arse.

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms the opposite way, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn’t be able to reach. I’m not even a breast man, but the poor thing’s massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of more morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at least. “That’s a unique name. I’d love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run.” She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy grin. “It’s been a pleasure, Milky Way.”

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. “Oh please, Milky will do just fine.”

“Milky then. I hope our paths cross again.” And I kinda hope you make the milk... Nah, that’d be gross. And taxing, I guess.

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn’t end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info regarding the world I found myself on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named ‘Twilight Sparkle’ to visit, so I got to stepping. After a while of nothing but walking an ignoring my problems, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a rare moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. “... Hey... Pops… Know it’s been a few years since I really tried praying, but… You’re still my Dad, right? I’m… I’m real lost right now, Pops. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I know you’re not gonna answer, but I need to talk to someone. Got no food, no cash, no place to lay me head... Startin’ at rock bottom all over again, init?” I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I forced myself to come to terms with it just like I had when I’d lost him. “I don’t know if you’re still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Help me, fuckface. I need you now more than I ever have.”

I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip. It had always worked when I’d needed it to. Still worked. Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I’d seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about going between shops and stalls, but I wasn’t necessarily interested in ‘shopping’. With plenty of coinpurses available I went around and plied my trade; Checking out who had the most to spare. Tax me, faggot; it’s all under the table.

Scoping marks had never been easier since few people weren’t pulling coins out of their hair, and yes, I mean that seriously. That shit seriously happened dozens of times while I walked around the market. Of the people who were wearing actual coin purses, there seemed to be slim pickings for the most part. The best thing about the whole situation? I’d checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible vics and went back to it unaccosted. When I loitered around a little,I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step-sister’s cameltoe. Why your step-mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking you creep.

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it’s a last resort kind of deal, but I didn’t need it anyway. All of my knives were dutifully sharpened, just in case I needed one to cut a thing/person. As I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, “Sorry! Wasn’t watching where I was going!”

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he just didn’t know. I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I’d thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke English, or rather, American English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn’t doubt that the coin either said ‘For Peace and Harmony’ or ‘Tor Bæue Kænog’; shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones so that was nice. I still didn’t know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't really have many places to hide the purses. Being caught with stolen goods usually counted the same as stealing in the first place, so I stuffed them into the coat of my jacket and ended that particular stroll, preferring to just go for a walk afterwards.

Granted the aliens were still weirding me out a bit and I might’ve been on a different planet, I was feeling a little more confident. I was sure that I’d just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as the Golden Oak Library. I don’t know what kind of tree it actually was, but it sure as fuck wasn’t an oak. The arborial bastard honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I’m not exactly and tree-hugger or anything. There was a lot of time in between jobs and I just happened to read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don’t have shit to do. I might’ve been drunk, might’ve been sober. Don’t judge me.

Anyway, even if the tree wasn’t an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin’ before the liburry closed. I didn’t think it was necessary to knock since it was supposed to be a library, so I opened the door and jolted along with the purple horse-woman I’d almost hit. “Oh shite! Sorry about that, love,” I said quickly, not even giving myself a chance to think thoughts about her.

I failed. While she was still being surprised and tried to catch her breath, I noticed that her outfit was suitably nerdy for working at a library. There was a part of me that thought it was sexy, another part that hated the sweater-vest, and another that wanted to pratfall because she was the first I’d seen to have a fuckin’ horn. None of the other horses had horns and the few that had the extra additions just had wings. Apparently there were at least three different kinds of them, but I liked the one I was seeing. She had a ‘Derp and cheddar’ kind of thing going on, like she was just a goofy kinda gal.

While I was taking her in, she smiled and chuckled. “We’re lucky I wasn’t a litt-” Her eyes widened and she cringed away from me. “Rain-!” I noticed that her gaze seemed more expressive than a Human’s but she obviously wasn’t wearing makeup or anything of the sort. Chick just had puppy-eyes..

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe a second after shouting about rain before I got tackled from behind and landed on her. A lot of things went through my mind as I was shoved into her over and, completely by accident, got an eyeful of the light purple and pink-striped panties she was wearing under her bi-toned skirt. If I’d been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

“Rainbow Dash! If ya don’t get a hold of yourself, I’ll beat ya black and blue! Assaultin’ a buckin’ stranger for no reason!” A pissed off, Southern American woman barked harshly.

“That’s the guy I was telling you about!” Oh you gotta be- “Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!” ‘Rainbow’ replied like a little pissant.

I wasn’t happy. I was rather unhappy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. “Fuck off!”

“Bu-” Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. “What the buck!?”

I drew my dirk and roared, “Leave me the fuck alone before I slit your Goddamn throat!”

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put herself between us. “Whoa, did you just draw blood over some punches!?” She asked incredulously.

“All that pumped up, half-witted, absolutely spastic thing has fucking done since we’ve met is be a Goddamn cunt! She crashes into me, gets mad when I try asking what the fuck you all are, and then chases me into the damn town! I was leaving a fucking forest with trees everywhere! What kind of shit-brained dumbarse flies at ridiculous speeds in a place where there are dense, hard, potentially lethal obstacles everywhere!? May I mention that she followed me to town while trying to fight me!? The cunt is fuck-ing psychotic!” I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. “... You know I believe him, right? Every word”

Rainbow flushed. “Hey! That asshole just threw a knife at me!” She barked like the bitch she was as she pulled it out.

“And you been tryin’ to pummel this guy all day, makin’ me look around town with you.” She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. “I ain’t sayin’ he was right to draw a knife, but you started this. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

“A-Applejack! Where’s your loyalty!?” Rainbow cried. Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her. I got money now.

“This ain’t about loyalty. This is about you bein’ bullheaded and gettin’ yourself hurt by somepony,” Do you not have other races here? “scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I’ll catch up to give a real lecture. Trust me.” Applejack ended harshly.

Cornflower Cunt- Rainbow Dash, I should say. I know her name, after all. She puffed out her chest and tried to be tough. “You’re not my Mom!”

The cowgirl gave her a ball-shriveling look. “Go.”

“Right,” Runtbow Dunce squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should’ve allowed.

I gaped for a second. “... Holy shite… D-Did she just fly so fast she left a rainbow trail!?”

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I’d seen her, which is to say I was about to be in deep shit. “I’m gonna ask ya once and only once: Why are you here? And don’t lie to me.”

I pointed at the ground numbly. “Uh… I’m here… I’m at the book-place specifically so I can... Learn?” She furrowed her brow. “I wanna learn, I swear!” Her look got odd. “Uh… I promise, I’m hear to study up on this place. I’m… I don’t think I’m from this world.” Please don’t hurt me. I bruise easy and you look tough. Nice arse tho- No. Not even a brain-flirt. Shut up.

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I’d forgotten that she was there too. “Wait, are you saying that you’re an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness alien!?”

I turned so I wouldn’t have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. “... Uh, yeah, as far as I know. I’m either an extra-what-you-said or an extra-dimensional person. I might just be having one Hell of a fever, acid trip, or different drug kind journey, though, so let’s not rule that one out.” Please let me sober up… Oh wait, it’s been like, three hours. No happening

Applejack clicked her tongue. “The first thing ya do on a new planet is get in a fight? What kinda alien…?”

I gave her a look, mentally exhausted as I was. “I tried letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but she wouldn’t let enough be enough. I mean, like, is she that way all the time? Are you not some kinda centaurs?”

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. “She’s pretty much always that way and I’ve never heard of a centaur. What are they?”

“Horse-people, but with-”

“Excuse you?” She raised her brows and folded her arms.

“... Torso of a Human and body of a four-legged equine…”

“... What?”

“That’s what a horse-person is… Y’know.. Besides…” I pointed at her hooves. “I mean, is horse a slur here or something?”

“Yeah. Whorse is a slur.”

“... Do you not have ponies or donkeys either or…?”

“I’m a Pony. Rainbow’s a Pony. Twilight’s a Pony. Ain’t none of us whorses.”

“... You spell whorse with a ‘W’, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I just spell it with an ‘H’.”

“... The buck is a ‘Haitch?”

“... I can’t really pronounce the letter with your accent. I don’t know how to do it.”

“Is it the one that comes before ‘I’?”

“Yeah! Horses are just animals on my planet. They can’t talk, pull wagons, carry people. Livestock stuff.”

“Ah, ya almost got decked. I’d keep that one out of your mouth as long as you’re in Equestria.”

“I’m in Equestria,” I said blankly. “Thanks for the info.”

The purple one still looked kinda offended. “So you just didn’t know what it meant?”

“Pretty much… That’s kinda like having ‘Pony’ itself be a slur to me.”

“That’s fascinating!” Nerdy-but-cutie proclaimed.

As I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, I hoped that she’d been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn’t. Bitch stole my- Wait, I threw it at her and it landed. I’m not that mad. “Yeah, and I’m really lost right now. Would you mind if I did some studying?”

The cowpony gave me a look. “I promise we will, but for now I’m sorry about Rainbow Dash… However, why did you throw a knife at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was effectively over!”

I turned to her. “It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys- Er, gals, have hill-topping here?”

The purple horse-person tilted her head. “It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?”

I looked at the stubby, thirteen-centimeter (Give or take) horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. A large part of me wanted to touch it. A smaller part wanted to lick it. “Nah, I’ve never heard of that, per se. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their high-horse with a show of force. If you’re nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you’re a proper fuckhole-arsewipe, you lay out their family and cripple them for life.”

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. “You ain’t thinkin’ a’ goin’ after Rainbow’s family, are ya?”

“Thanks for calling me a fuckhole-arsewipe,” I replied blandly. “So what? I can’t accidentally insult, but you can call me whatever?” Applejack popped her knuckles on her spare hand and I realized where I was in the natural order as my arm felt like it was being crushed. “... I’m letting it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. Stop flexing on me. I didn’t want to deal with her abrasive arse anyway.” I replied honestly, looking at her hand. “Mind taking that off of me? I know you’re not trying to feel my muscles because they’re barely there.”

She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt even more and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. “Hmm? What-”

“The fuck was that for? Didn’t you just say the shit was over?”

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn’t have done much more than bruise an apple.”

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. “Yeah, those are bruises but I’m not a fuckin’ apple.”

Applejack gave me a confused look. “I know you’re tellin’ the truth, but that don’t any make sense...”

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, “Oi, are you Twilight Sparkle? Brilliant mind, little bit quiet, usually sweet?”

She blinked. “Oh. Yes, that’s me.”

I gave her a smile, rubbing my aching arm. “Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture.”

“That’s right. Twilight’s the smartest Pony in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia. And for the record, she’s not-” Applejack started.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not horse-people, I get it.” I rolled my eyes. “Ponies, right?”

Twilight Sparkle blushed. “Yes, we are Ponies and… The modest side of me wants to deny what Applejack said, but my test scores don’t lie…”

I chuckled. “There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don’t start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you’ll probably be fine.”

Twilight wasn’t quite sold. “W-Well, why don’t we do something that we could both benefit from?” She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. “Why I never! To think you would be so forward with your devious intentions! You would ask a stranger for mutual benefits!?”

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her ‘friend’ stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. “I-I-I was- wasn’t- I don’t- I’ve never even done that sort of stuff before!” The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. “All the more reason for you to try and seduce me.”

Twilight turned cherry red and I swear to God steam came out of her ears in little rings. “I… Oh dear Celestia.” She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around he, I had to planet my foot on the ground, struggling to hold her up.

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn’t much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. “Holy fuck! Why are you people so damn heavy!?”

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. “Sugarcube, from what I done seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony’s good side. It’s lookin’ like you’re awful frail compared to us.”

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me. I think the only chance I really have is to stick and move since you guys don’t seem to do too well with maneuverability.”

“I’d like ya better iffin’ ya didn’t do it at all.” Applejack sounded like a big sister again as she carried Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I’d left it on the floor after the fall since I’d only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I’m not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her ‘slumber’. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being an arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

“Gah! Why are my ears wet!?” Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn’t smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. “It was Alien-colt. I don’t know where he got the water from, but I’m sure he won’t do it again.”

I cracked a shit-eating grin. “Not for the next few days, no.”

Applebottom’s look turned into a deadpan one. “I’ll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin’ a Pony’s ear is like grabbin’ a mare’s boob.”

“Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-” Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I’m pretty sure that look had ovaries... “Copped out at any time? Thanks for the heads up.”

“Is that really what you were gonna say?” Applejack asked, completely unamused.

Twilight blushed as I said, “No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn’t worth pissing you off and getting hurt over a joke.” I scoffed. “I might be foolhardy, but I’m not an actual idiot.”

The cowgirl nodded. “Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin’ from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant with some of that language ya use, but ya don’t seem like a bad sort.”

Twilight huffed. “That’s easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!” She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. “That’s just nasty.”

“Ever give a blowjob?” I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. “That ain’t none a’ your business!”

“It’s considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone’s ears. Hell, kissing is even worse! You’re getting someone else’s spit in your mouth!” Please take the bait. It’s well laid.

Twilight turned a bit green. “That does make sense in a certain way…” Score!

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. “Why do ya gotta make things awkward?”

“I’m not from this country, let alone this planet, love. It’s not like I’m being extra weird or anything. It’s just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-”

“Colt.” Cowpony’s voice went flat, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. “Crazy-coloured Ponies. I meant Ponies.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Applejack, he’s still unused to that word being a slur… Um… What’s your name, Mister... Alien?”

“Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them,” I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “That ain’t true. That’s a flat out lie.”

I tilted my head at her again. “It’s a pseudonym or a moniker. A nickname, basically. A lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else’s real name, and depending on when you cop a second name you might never hear your real name until you tell it to someone. I don’t like any of my names and I try not to use them as often as possible because I hate what they’re associated with.” All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online. Plus, I really do hate Ignatius and Kaid as names. Fuck you.

“Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what’s your real name? Or at least one of them.” The Stetson-wearing, especially sexy one asked. I didn’t even really care for her accent, she just rubbed me the right way. Except for the arm thing.

“If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you instead of giving you my favourite nickname,” I replied softly. “There’s no reason to call me anything else unless you-”

“I ain’t callin’ ya by a fake name.” She huffed.

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. “What gives a name credence, Applejack? What gives it power? It’s not the letters themselves that make up the word; it’s just a random noise that you use to get someone’s attention. People have the same names where I’m from. I know multiple Johns, Tims, and Erics of various spelling so what does a name really mean? It’s the person who responds to the name that gives it any legitimacy. I don’t really care if you don’t want to call me Max because you can just give me another name to add to my collection. I like personalized nicknames, and I’m alive because of pseudonyms. If you don’t want to call me by the one I’m giving you, then you’re welcome to come up with your own. I don’t mind as long as it’s not an insult to my intelligence.”

I got stared at by both of them. Twilight opened her mouth and said, “That… Applejack. You just got intellectually owned…”

The orange one got a ruddy tint to her cheeks that I found cute. Call me a sucker, call me whatever; I was hoping to get some shag in the future, and I’m not talking about carpet. “So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin’ me... Sour Apple or somethin’, you’d do it?”

“If that’s what you want to be called, then yes. It’s not that weird, Applebottom, you’re just overthinking it.”

“Applebot-” She blushed harder and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Does that mean what I think it does?”

“... It’s a song reference?” Which it is.

“Oh. Sorry, I guess.”

Twilight cleared her throat, looking between us. “... A lot of Equestrian authors don’t use their real names when they write, so it’s kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?”

“Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that.” I replied, putting a foot into the grave.

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, and I do mean there was a literal light in her eyes. It was as freaky and anime as the steam thing. It was evidently enough to convince Applejack to leave. “Alright, I’m out. I’ll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Max.”

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. “Go away, Blondie.”

“Are ya callin’ me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?”

“Wait, you mean the not-brownie?”

“Yeah.”

“No, it’s because your hair is blonde,” I replied.

“... I don’t got hair, Human. I don’t think I know what that is.”

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. “I have hair on my head. I’m guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s true, but we’re also covered in fur. Aren’t you?”

I chuckled at that and looked at my meager, barely existent arm-hair. “Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of years ago.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Y-You mean that your people have been around since the beginning of time!?”

I couldn’t understand how she’d jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn’t. “... No… Just… No. There were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is billions of years old. Humans are barely a second on the clock as far as we could tell.”

“Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel; I’ll be darned,” Applejack murmured.

Twilight gaped. “... Your world’s mages found a way to accurately date your planet?”

“... Bitch, did- did you just say ‘mages’?” I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

Applejack raised her chin. “What does that-”

The librarian paled and spoke over her friend. “You- You do have mages, right?”

“... Love, Magic ain’t real. Not on Earth,” I said extra slowly.

“... Your planet operates without magic?” Twilight breathed.

“Your planet has magic?” I replied just as breathlessly.

“... Yeah, no, I’m gonna go before the alien spews goo everywhere. Twilight, don’t grill him too hard. Human, don’t mess with Twilight.” Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. “Oh, I’m gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight’s colour.”

Applejack and Twilight examined her dark red and mauve skirt, her periwinkle/light blue sweater-vest, and her off-white blouse. “Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain’t wearin’ purple.”

I just laughed when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. “Oh, Twilight and I both know that she is.”

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. “Alright, pervert-”

“Oi! It was Rainbow Dash’s fault! When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can’t say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head.”

Applejack gave me a dirty look. “Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?”

“What fun would that be?” I scoffed.

“It’ll be more fun than me kickin’ your can all over town for messin’ with one a’ the nicest ponies you’ll ever meet.” She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. “It’s not like I’m doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you’re just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own.”

Her gaze softened. “Fair enough, I guess. I still want ya ta tone it down for Twilight. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

I looked at Applejack, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. “Oi, Twilight. I’ll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up just let me know and I’ll try to rein it in.”

The librarian gave me a small smile. “I’d appreciate that. It’s embarrassing to have a stranger see… That sort of thing…” At least it was good for me. Neither of you can read minds… Right?

“I understand, and I’ll probably play Eraser later anyway to forget how weird today’s been…” I scratched my head while I got a weird look. Applejack was already leaving after having heard my answer, so I was stuck with the horned one. “... So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you’ve been here.” Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

“Uh… Earlier today, I guess. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big, super gay river-serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy’s actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone named Rarity and give her this gold crown thing. Stephen sent me off with it as a pay-back for the ride to the edge of the forest so I kinda gotta give it to the lady. I’d find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that’s not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Did… Did you really consider stealing someone’s gift for your own gain?”

I gave her a look. “Oi, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t give it a little thought. I mean, the crown isn’t the purest gold that’s passed through my hands, but I’m pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go.”

“... Max, I can honestly say that stealing someone’s gift… It wouldn’t cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I’d rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, so you’re morally sound and I’m a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain so don't worry about that, okay?”

“... Why don’t you go grab that crown and I’ll have Rarity come over to pick it up?” Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. “Why don’t you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it’s her present, but I’m the courier. That’s like having to go to the post office to get your mail.”

She still seemed a little anxious. “Promise you won’t keep it?”

I gave her a look. “How old are you again?”

“You’re not really supposed to ask a mare her age.” Twilight frowned.

“I’m not?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway.”

“That’s weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it’s not like we know the exact number.”

“I guess it might be a magical thing then. You’re twenty, right?” Twilight asked.

“... Yeah, that’s weird,” I said, nodding.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not that much older than you,” She offered.

“You’re older than me? I could’ve sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colorful hor- Ponies. Ponies show their age differently.” I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. “You really need to clean up your language, but it’s good that you’re trying.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mummy, I’ll swear less. Or some shit like that.”

“You’re being kind of rude.” Twilight’s irritation laced her voice.

“Twilight, the last person I had to answer to killed people for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don’t like being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger. Or if good advice is tossed my way. Don’t microwave eggs in the shells, by the way.”

“... Max, what even was your world?” She seemed scared of me, and it wasn’t because of exploding poultry products. “You… You just talked about working for someone who kills ponies!”

I gave Twilight a ‘Bitch please’ kinda look. “Twilight, it’s not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don’t get a second chance to ignore him. I’ve never killed anyone myself, but I’ve been present for a few of his ‘examples’, and that was enough to keep me under his thumb.” I shook my head, the memories of the Pint n’ Pounds still ripe in my mind, despite those particular crimes happening five years ago. It was less of a ‘pound’ and more of a ‘ten quid’ kinda deal. Lot of blood was spilled, many lessons were learned. Like that I don’t want to get fucked up.

“... Okay.” Twilight rubbed her temples. “... So what did you do that made you useful to a terrible pony like that?”

“I’m good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That’s all I’m going to say on that.”

“Okay, but you’re not a murderer?”

“No, I don’t really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months and months, then it’s a different story. I’ve never technically killed anyone.”

Twilight paled. “T-Technically?”

“Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body.” I held back a sigh and shook my head. Bad times, bad people, bad mother. None worth remembering. “... They killed themselves. I just didn’t feel obligated to stop them.”

“... You’re… You’re a monster.” Twilight murmured.

“Twilight, that person let… Well, all of those people basically tortured me. Embers and cherries from stogies put out on my skin, getting beaten when I didn’t get something fast enough, not… Servicing, well enough… Hell, those people did things to me I’ll probably never talk about, and I was eleven. It’s not worth your day to worry about dead people anyway.” And Babs was the worst one of the bunch. Shot me up once or twice to make me stop crying. Learned to hold it in after the first round of narcan.

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. “Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either beat a truth spell or you’re one of the strongest ponies I’ve ever met.”

I glared at her. “... It’s in the past. Get over it. I did.”

“That’s not true,” she said softly, her horn glowing weakly.

“Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?” My interest in magic heavily outweighed my interest in my past. Holy hell, that’s pretty cool. Could be useful if I can learn it. “How do I-”

“Max, I don’t know anything about Humans, but… Normal ponies don’t just go through something like that and come out okay. I think-”

“I think you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space. Like I said; the past is the past. The present matters more than anything else.” I interrupted.

“... If that’s what you want, then I’ll… I’ll keep it to myself… Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I’m rather certain I’d rather be focusing on the here and now than be haunted by my past, yes.” I said dryly. “Are all you Ponies this friendly and compassionate?”

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. “Well, we largely are but…” She shook her head. “I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you’re the nicest pony, but you are tough.”

I might have blushed a bit, but I don’t know why. “Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?”

“Purps?”

“Purps. Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps.” I explained.

“That’s actually kind of obvious now that I think about it,” She muttered.

“Isn’t it though? The best nicknames often are.”

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity’s crown from where I’d left it,so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other’s planet. First things first; I don’t have magic. That sucks. The fuck is the point of being on a planet with magic if I can’t even use it!? Anyway, since I already know all the shit about Earth, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable lake of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration that the Ponies had; the little nerd was sure to fill me in on the broad details. I forgot a lot, and she wasn’t anywhere close to being done. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with information that could have been vital. Or most of it was pointless.

Either way, I learned a lot and retained a bit when we finished. It was around sunset and Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I’d just come into town. I’d told her no since it was the truth, thinking that she was going to point me to an inn or something. The crazy woman offered to let me stay in one of her guest rooms. The crazy part? The part that made her insane? There wasn’t an end date. She seemed happy enough to have me in her house, which… Well, even then I planned on leaving when I could find a steady job and start making my own money. The thing that bothered me was the sheer amount of trust she was putting in an Alien stranger.

Don't get me wrong. I try to be a decent guy outside of my job. Yeah, I go diving and steal shit, but I don’t fuck people over who show me kindness and the woman was doing me one helluva favor… I mean… Who does that? Twilight Sparkle apparently… Anyway, when the sun was about to fall below the horizon and the moon was on the rise, Twilight’s little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister. Yes, there was a Dragon. Yes, it was a. Dragon. No, he was no scary in the slightest.

He seemed like a good kid from what I could tell, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking Dragon within roasting distance and he wasn’t doing anything... Dragony. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I’d ever seen and started cooking dinner after we introduced ourselves. He didn’t really have much to say to me, but it’s not like the guy was rude about it. Kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn’t much for me to do. When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to ingest.

Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, “Is something wrong, Max?”

“Humans can’t really eat... flowers or hay...” I chuckled awkwardly. How the fuck is the Dragon not eating her alive? Or me. I’d probably be- Nah, don’t think about that. “The spinach was good, though. Could’ve used some salt, but it was tasty.”

Twilight eyes widened. “... You’re a salt addict?”

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. “What? How do you get addicted to salt?”

“That might be a story for another time, but… Salt doesn’t affect you? At all?” She asked.

“It tastes good if you don’t use too much, that’s about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that’s only if you go overboard every meal,” I explained.

“That’s so interesting! So what plants can you eat?”

“If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I’m probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don’t imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you’re evidently herbivores anyway.”

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. “... You eat other creatures?”

“That’s what omnivores tend to do,” I said slowly. “What? You don’t think I’m just going to up and try to bite you or something, do you?”

“Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha. Haaa…” Twilight made those noises. “W-Well…”

“... Wow, that’s… That’s kinda fucked up, Twilight. And rather racist...” I added, staring at her.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek, looking away. “W-Well… I… You have to kill something to eat it, Max...”

“Yeah... If a human eats raw meat, they’ll probably die.”

That piqued her interest. “Wait, how do you hunt for food?”

I shook my head. “Humans didn’t really have to hunt if they didn’t want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places.”

“... I’m lost.” Spike said. “I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what’s the big idea?”

“That’s different,” Twilight said quickly.

“How?” Spike and I asked in unison with polar levels of irritation.

“It-It just is, okay?” Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. “Why’d you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren’t Dragon purely carnivores?”

“I dunno. I’ve never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets really secret.” Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Oi, we’ll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots.” And if you like me you won’t eat me. Wait, you wouldn’t eat me now… Kinda lame, bruv.

“Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian.” Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I’d met her.

I gave her a look but acquiesced nonetheless. “Whatever you say, Purps.” I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she’d collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of sissy bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being kinda mean. If I didn’t get fucked up for being squishy, of course. I’d probably get stopped before I got too far one way or the other, but Pony Philosophy books… Stupid. Point-Blank. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I’ve always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I’m just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I’ve gotta say that I’m kinda digging it. It’s a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I’ll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done.

Now I just need to figure out how the fuck I got here…

Well… Realistically… I probably died from… Wouldn’t surprise me... Shit, maybe if everyone else is as nice as Twilight it might just be better to stay here...

Author's Notes:

A/N- Thanks to everyone who gave me some more advice before I finished this chapter, I made sure to correct my mistakes during proofreading. This chapter is mostly filler before setting up the meeting with Celestia and getting the arc into full swing. I can't say I'm not excited to see what my mind spits out! Stay tuned for the next installment!

Original Document (Unedited)

Rewrite: Just a few tweaks here and there, nothing too drastic. This chapter wasn't super shit, but it was short.

Original Length: 1,861

2/8/18: The real rewrite has been done and thus it was good. Feel free to compare and contrast between the original and Chapter 2.2