You never appreciate how great waking up in a decently sized bed until you have to sleep in a shitty small one. The morning after I freed Nyx from Luna, Twilight and I were both feeling the love for our accommodations since the Bee and Barb had sucked something fierce, regardless of the pleasant personnel in the inn itself. The small things in life really do matter, though having a big bed that you can comfortably fit two people on isn’t really a small thing. No, it’s actually a pretty big thing that I was very fond of, so when I stretched my legs and didn’t meet the open air at the end of the bed, I was mostly just grateful. Then I opened my eyes and looked at my wife’s peaceful, sleeping form and wondered how I got so lucky before I remembered that we were on a different planet with alternate versions of our friends and family at every corner, so that was weird, and kind of made me feel lonely, so I cuddled up next to Twilight and gave her horn some kisses.

She eventually woke up and told me to either lick it a few times or stop teasing her, so I gave her a hornjob and she licked my peppermint stick until I was satisfied, which was pretty fucking great. We went off to the bathroom and I grabbed our magical mouthwash from Equus so we could stop skipping that important part of daily hygiene, though it wasn’t as if we were getting smelly around the mouth area. It was just nicer to have fresh breath minty kisses. I applied Twilight’s makeup for her and tried to use Unicorn Magic to style her hair, though it was harder than doing it with my God Magic. It wasn’t a terrible ordeal, but it took significantly longer than it should have. Twilight still looked fantastic by the end of it, so I came up with a spell on the spot to return her hair to the way it was.

Yeah, that shit’s cheesy as fuck, but Twilight was fucking thunderstruck when I cast the spell, locking in what I wanted it to do. “Huh. Making spells isn’t that hard. I don't see why you told Kaid to not try and do it.”

Twilight gaped at me. “... Did you just come up with that on the spot?”

“Well, it took me about fifteen seconds to get the phrasing right.” I said casually.

“Max, if you’d added one more syllable to the last part of the spell, you might have imploded.” She murmured.

“Good thing I’m awesome and lucky on occasion. Wanna go get breakfast?”

“... Sure.”

Maybe my nonchalance about it made her ease up about it? Maybe I’m good at spells? Maybe it’s Maybelline and not Magic at all? The last one was bullshit since Maybelline is for Human hair and would probably turn Twilight’s mane into a suckfest of badness, but it’s not like I’d stop running my fingers through it anyway. I wondered how Pony conditioner compared to Human conditioner for a little while, but then I realized that the shit made for men made my hair turn into a nest of arse, so I figured that Pony shampoos and whatnot were just better, though I mused on that for a little while while Twilight and I walked to the Dining Hall. We actually arrived before Celestia and Luna, so I asked her if she wanted to go bother Lulu for a little bit and she agreed, though my wife was still a little hesitant about getting closer to Luna like she’d been back on Equus. I figured I could get her to hug her within the week, although it was up in the air on whether or not the purple Pony Princess would get any affection in return from the surprisingly bashful blue ball of bitterness. Luna isn’t actually all that bitter, but alliteration. It is fun sometimes.

Twilight and I got to the Court Hall while Luna was resting her face on one of her hooves, and the Crier-guy she had on duty was actually out cold while standing upright. His head was drooping, so I stuck a wet finger in his ear and he spazzed out like someone was trying to ride him or something. It was funny as fuck, but Luna swore at me for messing with one of her staff until I offered to give her a hug. Then she swore at me for thinking that I could make everything better with a simple affectionate gesture, but then Twilight offered to give her a hug out of nowhere and maybe a kiss if the hug went well, Luna stared at her, ceasing her swearing.

They hugged, but Luna didn’t want the kiss, which I was glad for. I really didn’t want my wife kissing a horse, but if she wanted to smooch Nyx while she was a Human, I would happily watch, seeing as how my wood would do as wood would, and that would be nice. I offered to give Luna a hug after she was done with Twilight, but then a magical chime rang in a pleasant cadence and Lulu beamed, stating that her time as ruling Pony was over and that breakfast would… Well, I don’t really want to say ‘would’ anymore. I kinda burnt myself out on that shit. Breakfast was going to be ready soon, so she lead the way to the Dining Hall, and as we walked along, I noticed that her tail wagged as she took her strides, but didn’t swish like Celestia’s had. That is to say, she kept herself covered, though I wasn’t exactly looking for an opening to catch a peek at horse pussy.

Breakfast was nice and all, but Twilight and I had places to be and people to see, so we bid Celly and Lulu a couple fond farewells before we teleported back to Ponyville for the picnic we were supposed to have with QT and the girls. I picked us some fresh outfits, though Twilight wanted to go more casual that regal. I figured it wouldn’t be out of place to relax a little, so I grabbed us some casual wear, but then Twilight had to go and ruin it by wearing her tiara/crown thing anyway. She said that she was just used to wearing it, but I think it makes her feel important, so I wasn’t exactly going to tell her to leave it off. Hell, I still wear my Signet Ring, but that’s mostly because it doesn’t come off. Seriously. It rotates, but I can’t move it from the position it’s in. Fucking sucks.

Oh well. Not like I’m going to cut my finger off just to get rid of the damned thing.

Or will I…?

Fuck that shit, actually. I have better things to do with my time than bleed.

Anyway, so Twilight and I popped into our room at the Bee and Barb because we didn’t want to just show up at someone’s house so early in the morning. We still had a handful of hours to burn before we could do shit anyway, so we spent some time reading and making comments about the differences in the books we were reading. I was casually going through a Daring Do novel that I’d never bothered reading because I simply didn’t give a shit about something Rainbow found interesting, and my suppositions about the book were well placed. It wasn’t poorly written or anything: In fact, it was perfectly fine as far as diction and syntax went. It was just too fast paced, too short, and somewhat lame to be honest. I understand that it’s not supposed to be for all audiences, but the book just seemed extremely simple and there was no character development in the slightest. I couldn’t even feel the slightest attachment to the main character at all, and that was mostly because she seemed like a fucking twat half the time. It wasn’t terribly obvious in a blind read, but Daring just seemed arrogant and too full of herself for my tastes.

In other words, she seemed a lot like another Rainbow Dash.

I shared my opinions with Twilight and she told me to stop being ridiculous, but when I pointed out that both people were braggadocios, both tended to act before giving anything a second thought, and that they were both striving to be the best at what they did, Twilight just rolled her eyes and told me to stop reading the book if I didn’t like it. I did just that and left the uninteresting tale unfinished, which earned me a scolding from Twilight because I didn’t bother finishing something I started, but then I reminded her that she’d literally just told me to stop reading it since I wasn’t enjoying it.

Time flew by while Twilight was telling me about the finer points of magical restabilization, but that was because I was so far gone into space that it was fucking ridiculous. Like, I didn’t give two shits. Period. But I did like hearing Twilight’s voice, and it’s my preferred white noise, so I tried to tune in and ask questions when I could, but we both knew that I wasn’t Kaid, and he was the only one with a hope of understanding what the fuck she was talking about. I suggested that we spend a little time in my mindscape and do some visiting because what the fuck else were we going to do? My wife agreed, but she said that it was going to be pointless as a pastime. That wasn’t the point of the visit, though I did concede to that because she was right.

Twilight cast her Mind-Walking spell and we got to business on the Central Platform. Everyone (except the various Twilights) was already out and about, sitting in their preferred chairs while doing a whole lot of nothing. Kaid and Prince rose to meet us about half way across the platform, but Prime, Blue, and Roxy all stayed seated while we were trying to get there. Kaid asked Twilight a bunch of rapid-fire questions that she had no hope of answering in the span of time he was giving her between them, and Prince took me aside for a little bit.

“Max, how are we supposed to get our time in your body if we’re on a different planet?” Prince asked curtly once we were separated from everyone.

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Well, after we get the picnic settled, I’ll start letting you guys have control again. I know it’s gonna suck to not have your faces on it, but-”

Prince frowned. “It’s really the least of our concerns, Maximus. We just want to get out and about for a little while. You know we don’t feel boredom per se, but we would like to experience this new world for ourselves. Kaid wants to talk to QT as much as he can so they can run experiments together, Roxy would like to talk to Fluttershy, and I would like to speak with Celestia and Luna myself about our supposed title-”

“I don’t want a title, and I’ll be kicking your arse if you stick me with one.” I said plainly.

He gave me a look. “So what? You don’t want to have respect to go along with your land and your wealth?”

“The ponies are too racist to respect someone who doesn’t even remotely look like them. Get your head out of your arse, mate.” I replied realistically.

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Sparky. I would still like to talk to them about their styles of ruling. I am interested in what they have to say.”

“No problem for me. Do you guys want full days for your things, or do you just want the four hour deals like the last run through we did?”

“The four hour bursts should allow us to get what we need done, though I imagine that having us switch between person to person may exhaust some energy.”

“Then eat before we switch so we burn the extra calories. I was planning on hunting tonight anyway.” I shrugged.

“You are going to need to ask Celestia about a place to cook your kill.” Foggy said neutrally.

“Look, I get it. You’re vegan. I don’t care.” I said flatly.

He huffed like a bitch. “Should I have my own body, I daresay I would take far better care of it than you do yours, though that’s not saying much. You’ve never even bothered to experiment with different shampoo!”

I gave him a bored look. “Do you have anything important to say.”

He pouted. “We never talk like you and Roxy do.”

“That’s because I don’t like to stick my brain-dick in you. Look, I’m in love with Roxy. I’m not in love with you. It’s nothing personal, mate.”

Prince rolled his eyes again. “I was messing with you, but now I see that you’re actually humourless.”

I gave him a look. “Shut up before I show you how the shoe do.”

“Doot doot, Maximus.” He said.

“Doot doot to you to, you old meme.”

We walked to the center of the platform where everyone else was waiting, though Kaid was still trying to talk Twilight’s ear of, much to Blue’s amusement, and someone else was rising to come talk to me. Prime stopped me with a gesture and we went back to where Prince and I had talked, but he didn’t have much to say. He just wanted to let me know that he, as usual, didn’t want any time in the Sun because he knew nothing good would come of it, though he did request that I give Dusk more things to read. He insisted that I go over the Daring Do books at least once so he wouldn’t be as bored, so I told him that I’d give them another once over, but didn’t plan on actually reading them in the slightest. Prime had no problem with that since everyone knew that all we had to do was skim over something to get the full story, even if we weren't actually paying attention.

Prime and I talked a little more about how great Dusk was and how nice it was to have him in Wiltshire, scoping out new marks that he and Kaid came up with so Prime could have some fun shit to do. Toasty’s Twilight couldn’t even hope to go on one of his missions, and it wasn’t exactly a surprise since he wasn’t exactly made for stealth, nor did he possess any real kind of pragmatic situational awareness, but he did try, and that was rather nice in itself. We didn’t talk much after that, though I did give him some ideas for the new mark he was building in Wiltshire. We agreed to run through it later when I finished my business with Roxy since I had a feeling that she wanted to talk to me as well, though he mentioned that when he’d invited her, she’d declined his invitation.

With nothing else to discuss, I had Prime send Roxy over and she just shifted because why not? “Hullo, Sparky. It’s been a few days.” She said, pouting slightly.

I gave her a hug. “I’m sorry, Frosty, just been caught up in the hecticness of life, you know?”

“Ah, don’t feel bad or anything. I get it. Having Twilight spring that proposition on you was rough, and then getting sent to a new planet was even more of a loop.” Roxy gave me a sad smile.

“You’re telling me, Frosty. You’re fuckin’ telling me.” I returned her smile.

“So how’s Twilight taking it so far?”

“She’s handling it, trying not to let me see that she misses everyone already. It’s easier to know that our friends won’t be missing for long, but it’s hard knowing that we just don’t know how long we’ll be here.” I sighed heavily. “Shit’s been eating both of us, so we’ll probably talk about it soon.”

“Here’s hoping, yeah?”

“Yeah. How are things going with Sugar Plum?” I asked.

“We’re in the middle of a row right now, but it’s some small shit that you really don’t need to worry about. I’ve given her some time to cool off, so we’ll meet in the middle and talk it out like always.”

I gave Roxy another hug. “I don’t see why you two fight so much. Is it because you’re just not that good in bed, or what?”

“She still thinks I should be acting more like Prince, and she refuses to see that it hurts my feelings when she says stuff like that. I’m going to end up hitting her next time, Max, I really am.” Roxy said, her vexation coming across rather plainly.

“Oi, don’t go and do something rash now. You’ll keep a cool head in the moment, and if you start feeling that pent up, just get up and go, yeah? You don’t have to stay there and argue with her while she’s being a twat.” I said softly.

Roxy held her head to my chest. “I wish you were here to moderate. It just feels like Twilight doesn't want me for who I am, but I know that’s not right.”

“She just wants you to act like the proper woman she knows you to be. She just doesn't understand that we get tired of acting proper all the time and that we keep ourselves entertained by acting silly.”

She held me at arm’s length and looked at me, her eyes shimmering. “Your Twilight understands that.”

“I don’t know why yours doesn’t, Roxy. I really don’t.”

“It’s like I just had to get the bitchiest one, you know? I mean, I still love her, but I just want to be left alone sometimes. She’s always on me about something or other, and it doesn't help that she wants a baby that I can’t give her-”

“Wait, do ALL the Twilights want babies?” I asked.

“No, just mine.” She rested her head on my chest again, having spoken quietly.

“... I think I might have pulled a piece of Twilight that expresses her desires in the worst way to you. I’m… I’m sorry Roxy, but I think this is my fault-”

“It’s really not, Max. We didn’t know what splitting Twilight up would do, so don’t feel bad and just go see if you can alter her a little bit, because I hate feeling this way. I don’t want to argue with her all the time Max.” Roxy’s voice shook.

I hugged her a bit tighter. “It’ll be okay, Roxy-”

“Max, I’m so tired already.” She sobbed. “I don’t even wanna look at ‘er half the time because it just hurts! Every time she says another evil, hateful thing, I just feel like fucking scum... I don’t wanna wish this on anyone else, but why me?”

“Frosty, my love, I’ll take care of it, I promise. She’s not going to blindly hurt you again, and if I have to whack her to get my point across, then I will and I’ll deal with the consequences that come with it, okay? She’s not going to hurt you like this anymore.”

Roxy let loose another thick sob and I held onto her while she let loose, the weight of her words doing more than just a little to incense me to smack the fuck out of Sugar Plum. I knew that the Twilights weren’t going to be perfect copies, but I was hoping that they would be close enough to the real deal that it wouldn’t really matter. Just knowing that the woman who came second in my heart was being berated and emotionally abused by her spouse pissed me off to no end, so I let Roxy work her frustrations out on me and rubbed her back while she calmed herself down, choking out the last bit of emotion she was willing to show in a place so relatively public. I didn't doubt that everyone knew how Roxy felt toward her Twilight, but at this point, I was a little pissed off that no one had offered to help her.

I had a mission on my mind, and after Roxy let me go, I shifted myself to the door that would lead into her realm and let myself in, slamming the fuck out of it behind me. When I spotted Sugar Plum in the living room, still looking upset, I stormed over to her. “FU-CKING OI!”

She started. “Max?”

I glowered at her intensely. “Do you not give a flying fuck about how Roxy feels, Plum? Do you not care how deep you cut with your words? Do you not care about the fucking tears she sheds when you hurt her? Because I do, and I’m pissed. Give me two reasons not to smack you and I’ll consider not doing it.”

Plum stared at me. “Uh…”

I got up in her face. “Start something else with Roxy. I dare you. Make her feel like shit again, and I’ll be back with a bat. I swear to my Twilight that I’ll break your fucking kneecaps.”

She found her spine and tried to seize it. “I will NOT-”

I snatched her up by her face. “You will not what? You won’t change? Because I’m doing that for you, right now.”

Her eyes widened moments before I dove into her center, sorting through the emotions, phonemes, her shard of anima, and a few other concepts that you have to see to understand. From an outsider’s perspective, I was just staring into her eyes, but we both knew that I was altering her mind in ways that she probably wasn’t okay with, but I let her feel some of the pain I’d received from Cherry over the time we’d spent together as well as the reasoning behind it so that Sugar Plum could get a feel for what hurt and what was a simple annoyance. I was thorough in my search to rid her of the nastiness inside, and once I was sure that I’d gotten the vast majority of it, I let her go.

“How do you feel now?” I asked brusquely.

“... You just altered my mind, Max.” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “How- How could you!?”

“I did it because you and Roxy fight all. The fucking. Time. It’s your fault that Roxy feels so fed up that she fucking broke down, crying on me because she feels like you don’t really love her. It’s your fault that she feels like shit constantly. I just had to tell Cherry that she’s been stabbing me through her words and actions, so I’m going to ask you the same thing I asked her: What did Roxy do to deserve you treating her like her feelings don’t matter? What made you hate her to the point where hurting her became second nature? Where did she go wrong?”

Sugar Plum swallowed her tears. “I-I-”

“You don't know because you didn't care. You were so focused on what you wanted, what you think would make you happy that you didn’t give two shits about hurting her, and that’s because you’re a fragment of Twilight that sucked arse. You were the cold, hateful part of her that didn’t give two shits about what other people felt. That's why I fucked with your head. That's why I changed you. That’s not the person you want to be, and that’s not the person Roxy wants to be with, so hopefully this lets you get your head out of your arse so you can treat her like she deserves.”

“... I’ll… I’ll talk to Roxy and apologize.” She said softly.

“Thank you.” I said crisply. “Is there anything you need from me?”

“... What can I do to make it up to her?”

“Love her. Make sure she knows you love her. I suggest some makeup snacks or some awesome snuggling.”

“Both?”

“Damn straight.”

Sugar Plum nodded. “I’ll do that. I don’t like that you had to change me, but… I don’t want to hurt Roxy. That was never my intention.”

“You wouldn’t be here if it was.” I said ominously. “I’m going to send her back in, just don’t expect her to be all warm and huggy right away. She was hurting pretty bad when I left.”

“And you just let her ache like that?” She asked, gaining some steel to her voice.

“I let her get the worst of it out before coming. I’m not stupid, Sugar.”

“... Right.”

I nodded. “I’ll be going now. Remember: She doesn’t like girth, she likes length.”

“What?”

“If you don’t get it, just don’t pick the thickest strap-on.”

Sugar coloured. “Oh.”

I rolled my eyes. “Snack on, love.”

I left after that, feeling Sugar Plums eyes on my back as I went along. I was glad that she was actually pretty cool about me effectively brainwashing her, but that probably should have made me feel bad. It wasn’t my Twilight and she’d been hurting a person that I loved, so I didn't feel that bad about threatening her at all, but I did feel a little morally inept for fucking with her head. Even if it was for a good reason, screwing someone’s brain is a fucked up thing to do, though I think the sting of that little trespass was nullified slightly by the fact that Sugar Plum was crueler than my Twilight had ever been. Seriously, she and Roxy really did fight all the time, and I knew that it wasn’t because of Roxy’s feisty nature. No, she was just that big of a fucking bitch, and I’d had an inkling that something was wrong with her, but I’d never been able to put my finger on it.

When I got back to the Central Platform, Roxy was reclining in a softer version of my easy chair, staring blankly into the air while Prime and Prince chatted with each other about nothing in particular. Kaid was finally getting answers out of Twilight about Equis and everything she’d learned about it so far, so I stood behind Roxy and draped my arms around her, kissing her cheek.

“Oi, lover-girl.” I spoke into her ear.

“Yeah, Mr. Muffin?” She replied quietly.

“It’ll be okay. I did what had to be done.”

She reached up and touched my cheek. “... Thank you.”

I kissed her cheek again. “Never be afraid to ask me for anything. You know I love you.”

“I know, Sparky.” Roxy booped my nose. “I’m guessing that Sugar Plum is expecting me now?”

“She’ll have some words for you. Try to stay cool, yeah?”

“Hardy-har-har. I’ll go talk to her, but…” She trailed off.

“What is it, Frosty?”

“... I just want you to know that I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. You’ve got my back and I’ve got yours, Max.”

I gave her the squishums. ”You’re such a sweetheart when you wanna be, you know that? Making me feel all warm and fuzzy and shit.”

She chuckled. “Mind if I sneak a kiss? A little lip-based courage so I can go have this talk?”

I tilted her head slightly and leaned around her so we could lock lips decently, but Roxy just turned around and knelt on her chair so she could get the full experience. It was a pleasant kiss that I was eager to continue, but I didn’t want Twilight to get jealous or anything, so I ended it quickly enough, though Roxy gave me a little pout that made me want to come in for another one. I gave her a quick peck because I was feeling a little weak at the moment, and she nibbled on my lip to keep me from going, though she let go when I licked her. Frosty got up and gave me a good hug before heading off to go talk to Sugar plum, so I stole her seat, but she made it disappear just before she went into her realm like a bitch. I made another chair and resolved to stick a finger in her arse the next opportunity I had, ideas of how to make her squirm already dancing in my head.

Twilight and I spent a couple of hours in the mindscape, talking and generally getting some news and information from everyone before we returned to reality. It was nice to see that the others were still doing well, and I was glad to hear that Kaid had only needed to have his mouth washed out once since my last visit, and that was because he usually averaged about three times a week. The kid really did have a foul mouth on him, but when I talked to him about whether or not he’d slipped up because he was high, he admitted that he’d been stoned for the majority of the times Blue had caught him cursing.

Speaking of cursing, Twilight and I talked about how we’d never actually been able to take our honeymoon, which was a load of bollocks. I mean, our trip to Equis could kinda count since we didn't have any official business to do and there wasn’t much we actually had to deal with, so we decided that we would take it easy and let things play out until either our help or advice was needed from time to time. I wasn’t opposed to the idea and Twilight liked the thought of acting as an advisor slash councillor to the analogs of her friends, so she tried to think of some of the things that had happened before she met me, but after she’d freed Luna from Nightmare Moon’s grasp. She remembered a lot of things, but she didn’t know exactly where we lay with the timeline, so she resolved to ask QT about the last big event that had occurred.

We headed out to QT’s place about an hour before we were slated to go to the picnic, even though we knew where it was supposed to be. It was actually the spot where Fluttershy had exposed my secret so many years ago, though it had only technically been about a year and three quarters. In my defense, it was about three years for Twilight and close to five on my end for the time I’d spent in the mindscape with… Well, my heart doesn’t hurt as much when I say Noir now, so that’s nice. I’m still mad at her, but I think I’m getting closer to forgiving her, though I don't know if she’ll forgive me in return.

Let’s skip that, yeah?

So we arrived at QT’s and the Twilights started talking to each other about their past experiences as well as some of the experiments they wanted to do on each other, but when I brought up the topic of kinky, six legged snack time, I was told to bugger off and go bother Spike or something. I did go bother Spike, and that was fun for a little while. I gave him shit about having a crush on Rarity and turned him onto the possibility of going after Apple Bloom instead, but when he denied having any interest in girls his age, I explained to him that I knew for a fact that Rarity wasn’t aware of his crush on her and advised him to bring it up when he could. He balked hard and stated that he wasn’t brave enough for that, but I had some advice for him.

“Mate, do you want Rarity to know that you’re in love with her or not? Do you want to keep wanting her from nearby while she ignores your feelings, or do you want to know for sure whether or not anything’s going to happen?” I asked gently.
He made a face. “Dude, I don’t really know how to be honest with you. I mean, I really like Rarity, but… What if she doesn't like me back?”

I gave him a sad smile. “Then you’ve gotta accept that, Spike. Running from the answer to your question is pointless. It’s only going to hurt you more in the long run.”

He looked at the floor, then to the kitchen table; anywhere but at me. “... It’s gonna hurt if she says no though.”

“And it’s better to just take that pain then and there rather than drawing it out. I can’t say that I know what it feels like, but I gave the Spike from my world similar advice to this, mate. It’s in your best interest to vent your feelings to Rarity as soon as you can so you know for sure.”

The little Dragon glared at me. “And what happened when your me told Rarity how he felt?”

“He decided to date Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle instead.” I said honestly.

He blinked. “I what?”

I nodded. “My little brother didn’t want to keep lusting after an older woman, so he took matters into his own claws and went for some ‘fillies’ his own age. To my knowledge, he fell in love with Apple Bloom and they get along pretty well.”

“... I’m supposed to end up withApple Bloom?” He asked slowly.

I shrugged. “You don’t have to date Apple Bloom. I’m just suggesting her because my Spike really liked her, and I think you will too once both of you mature a little bit more. However, my main point is that you should talk to your big sister about your feelings for Rarity and consider what she has to say on the matter too. If you don’t trust my word, then trust hers.”

“It’s easy for you to say, dude. You’re not the one who has to do anything!” Spike huffed.

“Mate, I dated the Rarity from my world. I’ve actually dated three of the Elements of Harmony and Celestia herself, so let me tell you now that I’ve been where you’re at,” I lied, “and it wasn’t easy. However, I do know that it’s best to get your feelings out in the open so they’re not gnawing away at you however they choose to do so.”

He made a face. “... I’ll talk to Twilight, I guess. It’s not like she’d tell Rarity if I asked her not to.”

“She might feel obligated to, but you’re right. QT wouldn’t betray your trust like that.” I gave him a little grin.

He gave me a little smile. “You know, you’re really not all that bad. I mean, you made a horrible first impression, but I don’t feel like you’re trying to prank me right now.”

“That’s because I’m not. Love doesn’t warrant a prank, mate. It’s not worth potentially hurting you just for the sake of a laugh, and it wouldn’t be funny anyway. Only a truly sick person would get joy out of screwing with someone when they’re looking for love.”

He held up a fist and I bumped it. “You’re actually kinda cool.”

“I’m electric, boogie woogie woogie.”

“... I don't get it.”

I arced some lightning between my fingers. “My Alicorn Magic is based off of electricity. I have ice powers too, but I can’t really use them.”

He tilted his head. “Why not?”

“It’s complicated, mate. And you’ll probably think I’m absolutely bonkers if I explained to to you.”

“Dude, I think Twilight’s crazy every time she opens her mouth about Magic.”

“Ooh, I’m telling her you said that!” I gave him a devilish smile.

He paled. “You wouldn’t!”

I picked him up and he struggled. “Dude! Wait!”

“Oh Twilight~!” I called out melodiously as I carried Spike into the library proper.

“Yes?” Came two responses.

As I walked through the door to the kitchen Spike tried to get me to put him down, but I had him tucked under my arm and he was going nowhere fast. “Spike just told me the most interesting tidbit about you, QT!”

I made eye contact with her and she eyed myself and her little brother with intrigue and concern. “Max, why are you carrying Spike?”

“Twilight! Don’t listen to him! He’s full of lies and vinegar!” Spike cried.

I grinned evilly. “Oh, QT, would you like to know what Spike just said to me while we were in the kitchen?”

“Please! Don’t do this to me, Max! You don’t have to live with her!” He wailed pathetically.

QT gave him a look before giving me a look. “Will you put Spike down?”

I complied. “You know, he was just telling me about how he feels like he never has enough free time between running errands for you, doing chores, and cooking almost every meal the two of you eat. He wasn’t complaining or anything, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt for you to sacrifice a little of your experimenting or researching time to make the guy’s life a little easier?”

Twilight stared at me. “Our Spike never said anything like that.”

“Oh, he wanted to.” I replied. “He just felt like nothing good would come of it.”

QT and Twilight both blushed before looking at each other. They leaned in and started whispering in each other’s ears, confirming and denying certain things while I pretended that I couldn’t hear them. QT ended up crying on my wife’s shoulder because she realized that she treated Spike as a slave/pet more so than a little brother at times, and Twilight shed a tear because she knew that I’d known all along and had waited until she brought it up when I was Roxy because I’d thought it was something she needed to see on her own. This little event had just sped things up a little bit for QT’s sake, which was pretty fucking awesome in my book, though Spike was confused as fuck because, to him, it seemed like they’d both started crying for little to no fucking reason at all.

In the span of about ten minutes, QT promised to help Spike out with chores, but when she offered to learn how to cook, Twilight, Spike and I all told her to stick with the chores and just help with preparing some of the things, not actually cooking anything. She blushed furiously and my wife assured her that the lack of skill in the kitchen had carried across worlds, so I mentioned the time that Twilight had burned toast when I’d had my toaster on a setting that should have made it impossible, but then I told Swift’s story. With my knack for weaving tales, I had Spike and QT enraptured as I told the brief-ish tale of how Swift Strike once turned macaroni, plain macaroni, into a glowing purple mass that was poisonous and spouted noxious fumes. Spike heavily doubted me while QT was skeptical at best, but Twilight backed me up and said that it was easily one of the most horrifyingly fascinating things she’d ever witnessed in the kitchen.

After that little tale, I offered to grab the goo from outer space so QT and Spike could see for themselves, but Twilight said that it was probably a bad idea, and I couldn't help but agree after a moment of consideration. Damn wife, making me be responsible and shit. Anyway, so we wrapped up our time in the Treebrary and traded scenery for a spot near the Whitetail Woods with a large maple tree making dotted shade for the admittedly warm day. There was a decent breeze going, but I certainly was glad to be out of a suit for it. Twilight seemed to be enjoying the day pretty well herself, happily chatting along with her counterpart as Spike and I had some quality archipelago time. It was pretty pleasant.

We were the first to arrive, though Fluttershy and Rarity weren’t far behind. They seamlessly girl-magicked their way into Twilight and QT’s conversation and the white noise got a little more annoying via application of Rarity’s voice. It was all good though, because I knew Spike was considering my words pretty thoroughly at the moment, and if I knew my little brother, then the look of determination in Spike’s eyes was definitely indicative of shit getting done in the near future. It kinda weirded me out that he was staring at Rarity, so I made him stop that shit and advised him to calm down a little bit since he was obviously wired.

The picnic was going pretty well, all things considered, as the rest of the girls joined in and the overall conversation grew with Applejack and Rainbow chiming in from time to time, though Pinkie was oddly quiet. No one apparently noticed, but when I was sure that she knew she had my attention, I asked Pinkie for a round of frisbee and she agreed with no kerfuffle. We got away from the group without anyone other than Spike noticing and started tossing the disc around once we were just out of earshot for a nice conversation.

“So what brings you to Ponyville, Max? I know you and Twilight must be more comfortable in a bigger place like Canterlot!” Pinkie spun the frisbee around her hoof.

“Oh, just seeing the sights, pranking the alternate planet versions of our friends. We really don’t know exactly why we’re here, but it hasn’t been a bad experience so far.” Pinkie tossed the frisbee to me and I caught it handily.

“Well, that’s because Ponyville just a nice place to be! I’m sure there are ponies out there who are just afraid of you because you’re different, but it’s not like it’s all of us, is it?” She asked, trotting around me to catch the hook I threw.

“In fairness, you don’t know what we’ve been dealing with. Most of you ponies are terrified of us unless we’re actively doing something nice, so it’s been a little hard to make friends. Twilight and I are still managing just fine because she’s good with friends and I’m funny, but the people around town still aren’t terribly fond of us asking for directions.”

“Once I throw you your welcoming party, everything will start going a bit smoother! Just keep it up with the jokes, and if you're as funny as your Pinkie says, then you’ll make as many friends as you want!” Pinkie beamed at me and tossed the disk back.

“So you know my Pinkie?” I made the catch with a little effort.

“All the Pinkies know each other, silly!”

I tossed the disc back to her. “Well how was I supposed to know? I can make guesses, but I can’t cover every base, right?”

She went long for the catch and trotted back up to me with it in her mouth. She put the thing down before saying, “Well, you can’t expect everything, but you can expect the unexpected!”

“Of course. So I’m assuming that I’m going to be meeting Pinkamena soon-ish?” I asked, picking up the frisbee.

“Oh, you can meet her whenever you want, just not in front of anypony important. I’m sure you can get away from everypony for a little bit!” The Pony beamed at me.

I smirked at her. “Call it a date and I’ll put a saddle on you.”

“Does that mean you’re going to ride me all night long?” She dropped her voice into sultry tones.

“It means I’m going to hop on your back and wait for you to be able to get me off.” I replied easily.

“That doesn’t sound as fun as my idea.” Pinkie said doubtfully.

“Oh, it’ll be plenty of fun. For me.” I smirked at her.

She gave me a pouty look. “Why would you want to ride on my back?”

“I dunno, seems pretty fun to me.”

“Wouldn’t you rather let me ride you?” Pinkie tried again.

“Well that just sounds unpleasant. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to carry a full-grown four-legged Pony.”

She rolled her eyes. “Rarity was right! You are an ass.”

I gave her a winsome grin. “It’s a part of the charm, baby. So when do you want to have that little chat with me?”

“Eh, pick a time and just come see me at Sugarcube Corner. It’s not like I ever have that much to do.” She gave me a one-shouldered shrug.

“Sure thing, Pinks. I just have to find someone who wouldn’t mind watching my wife for a little bit so I we can talk as we please.”

Pinkie gave me a stern look. “You say that like Twilight is your foal or something.”

“It feels like it sometimes.” I replied drily.

“Ooh, I’m telling her you said that!”

“I’ll beat you until you're a ruddy purple.”

“Wouldn’t you rather buck me until I just can’t walk anymore? If I can’t walk, I can’t go tell on you!”

“True, but you’d enjoy it and I don’t want you to have so much as a single drop of happiness in your life. I’m an Element of Anti-Harmony, and my Anti-Element is the counterpart to Laughter!” I cackled sadistically, my inner evil showing its face.

Pinkie joined me in laughing, though she cackled maniacally instead of sadistically. We both garnered stares from the girls for our nonsense, but when we went over to rejoin them and started talking about cooking in general, no one said a damned thing to us, though whether it was out of fear or because we were just weird, I don’t really know. The rest of the picnic went pretty nicely, and Applejack tapped a giant bottle of apple cider she’d brought along in a saddle bag and everyone got a cuppa. It was pretty good, though spiced apple juice was always a bit of a strange thing to me. I preferred it warm, like how it was traditionally served, but having it a little on the cold side wasn’t bad. If you’re wondering how quadrupeds managed to make a cooler, don’t ask me. I’m not even from the place, so my best guess is Magic.

Applejack, being the big sister of the group, or at least, as she tries to be, asked, “Hey Max, Sparkle, so what did you two do to become royalty? I can’t imagine that it was just random luck.”

I looked to Twilight and she looked to me. I gave her a nod, but she gave me a look. “Why do you want me to explain everything?”

“Because you’d do it in a much more succinct way.” I answered smoothly.

“Lazy.” She huffed.

“Seriously? Have you seen my workout routine!?” I chuckled.

My wife rolled her eyes. “To answer your question, Applejack, I passed Celestia’s tests, helped save the Crystal Empire, which is a place you’ll probably find out about soon enough, and dealt with Max on a consistent basis.”

“Oi! You chose to do the last one, and that had nothing to do with it anyway!” I objected

Twilight smirked at me. “How’s it feel to get called out?”

“Called out for what?” Applejack asked.

“Being a butthead.” My wife said happily.

“I’ll throw something at you, woman. I really will.”

She stuck her tongue out at me playfully and I used my True theft to grab it for a moment, which made her give me a look. I let go and she put her tongue back in her mouth. “Great, now my tongue feels weird.”

“No you know how Mr. Wiggles feels when you grab him.” I said.

She blushed and rolled her eyes. “Would you like to tell Applejack how you became a Prince yet?”

I shrugged. “I beat up Blueblood and displayed some leadership qualities. Ain’t much to it.”

“You beat up Prince Bleblood” Rarity exclaimed. “You you simply must tell that tale!”

She looked entirely too happy to hear me talk about the two times I defeated Blueblood while the bastard had the gall to cheat, and when I made it clear that I was the one who was challenged both times, the girls asked about that and I mentioned that I’d fought dozens of challenges for different reasons. The main one was that I apparently had to earn my spot as royalty while everyone else could do as they damn well pleased, but it’s not like I gave two shits about it. The little Ponies were surprised to find that their people were so blatantly racist, but when I assuaged them by saying that most ponies were fine, they didn’t fear for terribly long, though I saw that Fluttershy was doing some deeper thinking on the matter, as she tends to do.

When I saw Fluttershy tune back into the conversation, I asked, “Oi Flutters, mind sharing what you came up with?”

She froze then and there. “Wh-What?”

“You were thinking about something, right? What was your conclusion?” I inquired gently.

“O-Oh, you know… I just… Well…” She stuttered and started.

QT put a hoof on her shoulder. “It’s okay Fluttershy. Don’t feel too wound up, okay?”

My Twilight gave her a warm smile. “Just take your time.”

After a round of soft murmurs of encouragement, Fluttershy said, “W-Well, I was just wondering how Max learned how to fight.”

That caught me off guard. “Ah. Well, a six thousand year-old warmonger trained me until I could break someone with, my bare hands, though that’s not to be confused with bear hands, because that would imply that I cut the paws off of a bear.”

I got a bunch of stares, but Applejack was the one who asked, “What do ya mean by ‘breakin’ people’?”

“I mean that I can hurt someone pretty bad without a weapon. It all depends on how mean I want to be about it, in all fairness.” I shrugged. “It’s not like I go out looking for people to hurt, so don’t feel like you have to worry about it.”

“I dunno how I feel about such a dangerous pony walkin’ around town.” Applejack said, climbing to her hooves.

“Sit down, Applejack! If Max hasn’t hurt anypony yet, I doubt he’ll do it at all.” Rarity defended.

“Are ya really lookin’ to give him the chance?” Applejack said.

“I-I think you’re overreacting…” Fluttershy said softly.

“She’s right, AJ. Sit down before someone gets hurt.” I said.

Applejack did sit down, but she did so slowly. “Alright, but I got my eye on you, buster.”

“As long as you don’t try my patience, we’ll be fine.” I took a bite of one of Pinkie’s sugar cookies.

She glared and opened her mouth to reply when Twilight spoke over her. “It’s really not wise to threaten a veteran, Applejack. Max fought for his country during a worldwide war and came through the other side. You don’t do that by being bad at fighting.”

“Dude, you’re a soldier! That’s so cool!” Rainbow exclaimed. “You gotta tell some war stories!”

I gave her a look. “There’s no glory in war, Rainbow Dash. There are heroic moments, but those precious seconds are built on the bodies of your fallen comrades and the souls of the enemy.”

She sobered considerably. “What?”

“What do you think war is?” I asked, genuinely interested.

“Uh… I don’t really know, I guess.” Rainbow scratched her mane.

I shook my head. “War is like Tartarus, but with normal people who used to lead normal lives. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people meet on the battlefield, and when the fog of war clears, so many of those people don’t get up from where they get put down. War is bloody, and it’s devastating, so I implore you to not fantasize about war or think that it’s anything other than a needless loss of life that people don’t need to settle their matters. It’s an evil the world can do without.”

Rainbow nodded and I continued getting stares from the rest of the girls. “... Can I help you?”

Rarity cleared her throat. “I do believe that it’s most odd that you are a soldier. From the way you carry yourself, you’re nothing like one of the Canterlot guard.”

I raised a brow at her. “I’m also a Prince, so I get away with acting however I’d like most of the time. Don’t mistake my easy-going disposition for me being soft, though. I’ve won more fights than people you’ve met.”

She scoffed. “I find that quite hard to believe.”

“Oh, it’s most likely true.” Twilight said. “I wouldn’t really find it that hard to believe, but Max does like to exaggerate from time to time.”

“I’m really not exaggerating. If you’ve met more than a thousand people, I’ll eat someone’s hat, and AJ’s is the only one nearby.” I challenged.

“You ain’t eatin’ my hat, buster.” Applejack said drily.

“I wouldn’t have to anyway. I guarantee you that I’ve won more fights than people any of you have met.” I said, bragging just a little bit.

Twilight gave me a look. “Getting a bit full of yourself, aren’t you?”

“Just a little bit. It’s not like I brag about stuff that often.” I shrugged.

“Keep your ego deflated, Amour.” Twilight requested.

I huffed. “You never let me have any fun.”

“I let you have plenty of fun!” Twilight argued.

“You never let me brag, and that severely influences my self-confidence!” I pouted.

My wife rolled her eyes and gave me a smirk. “You’re already witty and handsome; you don’t need anymore confidence boosters, Amour.”

I cracked a smile. “It doesn’t hurt when you slip in a couple compliments to help me keep feeling like I’m at the top of my game.”

“Just don’t let yourself go now that you’re married. I doubt that two-legged Twilight married you just for your looks, but I’m sure that they didn’t hurt.” Rarity chimed in.

“I don’t know, Rares. I think he’s just got the looks goin’ for him.” Applejack said playfully.

“Oi! I’ll have you know that I’m the sweetest thing that can vocalize emotion from time to time when I want to be!” I protested, chuckling.

“You can also be the biggest butt this side of Manehattan.” Twilight said drily.

I shot her a false dirty look. “Are you cruising for a bruising? Because I’ll spank you, Twilight. I’ll get you and QT simultaneously.”

“Hey! What did I do!?” QT cried.

I looked at her. “Wrong place, wrong color scheme to be honest with you. It’s nothing personnel, kid.”

I received a few strange looks, but QT was still the one to respond. “... Don't you mean ‘personal’?”

“I know what I said, Purps.” I replied easily.

“You’re difficult, dude.” Spike said.

“Hey QT, wanna know about Spike’s alone time activities?” I asked.

The little Dragon lit up. “Dude!”

I shot him an evil grin. “You were saying, little man?”

He glanced at QT who seemed interested. “What do I have to do to make you shut up?”

“Ah, you don’t have to do anything, mate. I’m just messing with you.”

“So Spike doesn’t do anything when he’s alone?” QT asked.

“I wouldn’t say that, but I would say that it’s nothing you should be worried about.” I rubbed my nails upon my breast to shine them.

“You say that, but I’m not sure if we should trust you on it, Max.” QT said suspiciously.

“You’re not technically trusting me, you’re trusting Spike.” I deflected like a pro. “Believe in your little brother to be doing the things he should be doing, like napping or reading like the good ‘colt’ he tends to be.”

Twilight gave me a look. “I know what you’re doing, and that’s just dirty.”

“How slash what am I doing?” I challenged.

“I don’t know exactly, but I have a feeling that it’s foul play.” My wife huffed playfully.

“I don’t play dirty all the time! God, woman, it’s like you have no faith in me whatsoever!” I exclaimed theatrically, holding the dorsal side of my left hand to my forehead. “Whoa is me! Mine own wife hath forsaken me!”

“Oh for Heaven’s sake, will you shush before some’pony’ starts thinking that you’re serious?” Twilight requested.

“Aww, but I wanna hear whatever Max has to say next!” Pinkie said, trying to come to my rescue.

“Go talk with him and play some more frisbee or something.” Rainbow suggested lackadaisically.

“But it’s more fun to hear Max talk to other ponies!” Pinkie pouted.

“That’s because he’s verbally torturing them.” Rarity sniffed. “I, for one, find it most uncouth.”

“The things I’d do to you are pretty uncouth, but you’d like ‘em.” I said sensually, giving Rarity some serious bedroom eyes.

She lit up like a scarlet Christmas tree. “W-W-Well I never!”

Rainbow and Applejack giggled a little bit while Fluttershy, Rarity, and QT were all bright red. Spike looked a little confused, Pinkie was pouting even harder than before, and my wife was giving me a womanly look. I replied to all of that with my most charming smile, adding in a dash of the rogue to take me places.

“Sorry, Rarity, I couldn’t resist the temptation.” I said, grinning like a fool.

She glared at me. “You’re a heathen.”

“Someone needs a spanking. Preferably in the middle of town.” I shot her an evil look.

Rarity bitched up quick. “No, no spankings necessary, I assure you. No, all is fine here.” She chuckled awkwardly.

“What? Are you saying that you wouldn’t like to be spanked out in public? Maybe I could tie your tail to your mane and let everyone who passes by marvel at my handiwork.” I said, playing to Rarity’s exhibitionist streak.

All of the girls lit up at that one, but Applejack and Rainbow were still giggling along, trading glances at each other and at Rarity whose eyes were sparkling. “Maximus! Who could possibly enjoy being put on display like that, let alone the humiliation!”

I winked at her. “That’s why I would do it. Just for you, love.”

Twilight pinched me. “If you’re done being a sadist, I actually wanted to talk about things that don’t involve messing around with people.”

“Oh, so boring stuff. Gotcha.” I nodded sharply.

My wife gave me a bored look. “I’ll poke you in the eye.”

“Oi, no eye poking! Not the ones that see or the browneye either.” I puffed.

Twilight coloured slightly and rolled her eyes. “You’re a load of nonsense, you know that, right?”

“Yes, but I’m your load of nonsense, right?” I gave her a smile.

She returned it with a little one of her own and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Yes, you are, so stop using innuendo and implications to mess with mares.”

I sighed hard. “Gosh!”

“Maximus.” Twilight said in a false stern tone.

“Fine, whatever Mummy.”

Pinkie gasped. “Two-leg Twilight is a mummy!? Where are her bandages!?”

I held up my left hand. “I keep them on me so I can look at her.”

“Dude, why is your claw wrapped up?” Spike asked, casually munching on a worthless gem.

“It’s a hand and we’re gonna skip that one.” I replied.

“Seriously? My question gets skipped?” He asked irritably.

“It’s probably not a happy subject, Spike.” QT admonished gently.

“It’s not.” Twilight and I answered at the same time.

“Which is why we’re going to talk about why bluebells are better than roses when it comes to aesthetics.” I said foolishly.

“For shame!” Rarity cried.

“You can’t be serious!” Fluttershy gasped

“Even I know that ain’t right.” Applejack said, moving her hat to scratch her head. “Roses taste better anyway.”

“I can’t eat flowers, so I wouldn’t know, but I do know that blue is better than red for just about every occasion.” I said loftily.

Turns out, everyone thought I was not just wrong, but incredibly incorrect, so I dealt with a few hours of sticky, sticky verbal tirades, tangents, and ‘lessons’ on aesthetics, but it made the time pass and the snacks were good. I can’t really complain about it since I brought it all upon myself by being retarded for a moment, but at the very least I got a few gift ideas for the girls, just in case Twilight and I were supposed to be here long enough to see Hearth’s Warming Day or some shit. I knew that it would probably be a rough time for Twilight when it came, but I was also looking forward to it, just to see if the Winter Wrap-Up was any different in this Ponyland than from ours. Still, not knowing exactly how long we were supposed to be on this mission was troubling to say the least, but at least it was peaceful for the time being.

The picnic ended with everyone going their separate ways and with Twilight and I paying for another night at the inn, even though we were planning on sleeping in Canterlot. We still needed to get back in any case, so we teleported to the room we’d been borrowing and went to Day Court to see if Celestia knew where Nyx was. It was only about three thirty, so we had plenty of time left in the day for us to go and see her and shit, so when we got to the Court Hall and had a word with Sunbuns, it was nice to know that Nyx was most likely in her room, sleeping some more because she took particular pleasure in it. We stopped and chatted with Celestia during the intervals between cases, but we only managed to stay for three cases before I got bored of dealing with uppity cocksnots that needed to be taken down a peg or nine.

Twilight and I teleported to Nyx shortly after finishing up with Celestia, though after our stop to the quadrupedal version of the Triple C, we found that she was a heavy enough sleeper for us to do everything we wanted to do, plus a little thing that Twilight thought was funny. It was basically just drawing glasses on her face with magical ink, but it was still amusing to my lover. We ended up leaving Nyx alone and went to go talk to Celestia some more, but by the time we finished covering Nyx with sweets and whipped cream, there wasn’t that much time left in Day court. I didn’t think our little prank had eaten up so much time, but then again, Twilight and I did walk to the Triple C, so that ate up about an hour or so since we went so slow.

When dinner was being prepared, Twilight, Celestia, and I waited on Luna and Nyx to get to the Dining Hall. Much to my surprise, Nyx was there first, and she looked quite irritated. The clothes she was wearing seemed to fit her well enough, but the dick on her forehead that I’d drawn on was still there, and it was still dripping semen onto her brow. The three of us that had been there before her made various puns about her current state, like the ‘Got Milk?’ logo on her chest, and the pink feathers on her wings that appeared sporadically. Twilight had only been able to get a few of them since Nyx had slept on the left one, but it was still fucking hilarious.

“I despise the three of you. Each of you. Individually.” Nyx said bitterly after we got done with our punishment.

.“Aww, don’t be like that, Nyx! I like your new style!” I said kindly, trying not to smile too wide.

“I agree! The pink in your feathers is simply adorable!” Celestia added, giggling.

Nyx gave her a baleful look. “I will give you a hornicure with twenty-grit sandpaper.”

Sunbuns gave her a confused smile. “Why did you threaten me, but not Max?”

“I am more willing to believe that Max would help me to rectify this than you.” Nyx said plainly.

“Yeah, I’ll give you a hand in a few.” I shrugged. “Not like I wanted it to be permanent.”

“Oh, that would have been the funniest thing!” Celestia cackled.

“Evil.” Nyx murmured. Louder she asked, “So whose prank was this? I cannot fathom Twilight having a hand in this, but it would not be out of character for either of you.”

Celestia looked to me and I returned her gaze. “Don’t expect me to take the fall on this one, Sunbuns.”

She gave me a look. “Don’t try and weasel your way out of this. You act like I couldn’t just give Nyx my memories of the last twelve hours.”

“Those could be twelve hours from any day, Celestia, and everyone here knows how good you are at manipulating memories. You could easily forge a false memory without even breaking a sweat.” I countered.

“He raises a valid point.” Twilight chimed in thoughtfully.

“Oh hush, you probably helped him do it.” Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Me? I’m not exactly good with pranks.” Twilight said, rubbing her arm.

“She really isn’t.” I grumbled.

“Hey!”

“I do not take Twilight Sparkle to be the pranking type, and since I am no fool, I must conclude that I know it was Max and Twilight.” Nyx said confidently.

Twilight and I looked at each other. “And how would you know that?” I asked.

“It is because I cannot see Twilight pulling a prank. It is simply an odd thing, but I know of many odd things that have come to pass, and that would not even rank within the top one hundred. That, and I woke up as you left, but I went back to sleep.”

“You just went back to sleep after being pranked? I find that hard to believe.” Celestia said.

Nyx raised a brow. “It was not that severe.”

“Didn’t you feel yourself getting drawn on while you were sleeping though?” Twilight inquired.

Nyx gave her a look. “No. I was asleep.”

“Sleep is for the weak.” I said haughtily.

“I spent a week in my mindscape learning how to move with this body. I will put you in a very uncomfortable headlock.”

I winked at her. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Twilight and Celestia chuckled as Luna walked in, and after she greeted Celestia, myself, and Twilight (In that order), she went to say hello or some shit to Nyx and stopped cold, staring at her like she’d grown another set of wings. It was amusing to say the least, but after her moment of shock, Luna rolled her eyes and her horn lit up, clearing Nyx’s ailments from her countenance, though I had a feeling that she only got the things that she could actually see. It wouldn’t have surprised me to find that the ink Twilight used to draw the dick-glasses around Nyx’s eyes was slightly magic resistant, though how she even managed to find something so obscure in the joke shop we visited, I don’t really know. In fact, I think it might have been on a clearance shelf. Huh.

With Nyx cleaned up, dinner began and Celestia and Luna mostly talked to each other while Twilight, Nyx and I had ourselves a little chat about some of the techniques I was going to be teaching Nyx later in the night. It was going to be a pretty interesting task since Nyx had probably figured out her own style, in a manner of speaking, and could probably find one that could beat my Crashing Waves stance easily. The main thing I was worried about was her figuring out a way around my Riptide stance too soon, but I resolved to teach her most of what I knew while hiding a few of my stronger techniques. Sure, it was a little dirty of me to hold out on her, but there were things that Noir had never taught me, and I’d learned to live with it. Hell, the nerve strike thing is a prime reason why I have no intention of ever letting someone learn everything I know until the time is right. It’s not like I would know how to use it against a quadrupedal Pony anyway, but still.

Dinner was nice, and training with Nyx required little in the way of improvement. She was a good student with plenty of attentiveness, though getting her to move in a more natural way was a little bit challenging. All of her movements were a little jerky and somewhat forced, but that just meant that we hard to start from the ground up with her training. Things like altering her breathing, how she stood, and what kind of positioning she had her toes in all played into getting her to kick decently, and after a few hours in the mindscape to avoid the sunrise, we had her to the point where she would get wrecked by someone who was weak as fuck on Equus. Like, she still wasn’t good at fighting, not by a fucking long shot, but she was passable as for her movements now.

Once I finished up with Nyx, I joined Twilight in bed for a little bit, though she licked my face and neck because she wanted to taste me for some odd reason. I wasn’t against it, so I let her have her fill, though now that I think about it, shit was fucking weird. Like, rather weird. I wonder if all Pony women do this or if it’s just the one I managed to get. It’s not like I particularly minded, otherwise I wouldn’t have let her do it in the first place, but it did make me feel a bit weird. Maybe Twilight’s going to eat my face when I die?

Anyway, we took some time this morning to do some random shit, and I grabbed us a few outfits so Twilight would have something to choose from. She got to pick my outfit and I didn’t get a say in hers, though that was because she was planning on wearing stockings with all five of the ones I’d grabbed for her, so I wasn’t complaining in any sense. She played to my fetishes and I don’t blame her for that shit working since I’d probably do the same thing if I could. In fact, I kinda did with the shirt selection I brought out for myself. I actually went for a button down that made my biceps look nice, and when I rolled the sleeves, my forearms looked nice too, so I was pretty happy about that. Twilight was a little happier about it than I was since she likes it when I show off since I rarely do, but it’s not like I’m trying to impress anyone anyway.

I had some time to get this shit written out, so I’ll probably pick up with the tea Twilight and I are slated to go have with Mary and Strawberry. For now, it’s time got give it a break.

So tea was nice, though Mary was quick to let Twilight and I know that our house was nearly done and would likely be ready for a move-in the next day. Shit was pretty cash, but Twilight and I needed the place to be completed before we could start buying furniture for it anyway, though it’s not like we needed a lot of it. Our beds would have to be specially made, however, so Twilight and I took some time to go to the local furniture store that also conveniently made their own shit. It wasn’t hard to convince them to make us a mattress, and after paying a little extra to have it done fast, that was taken care of and we were good to go for the time being. We spent a little time buying new soaps and shopping for stuff in general before putting all of our crap in our room at the Bee and Barb. I was looking forward to having our house done, and as I was fucking around, looking at shit with Twilight, I decided that I would actively help with the decorating since I actually wanted to be happy with my fucking house.

While we were chilling in the inn, having ourselves a couple of drinks, I asked, “Oi, Cherry. What do you want to do about Nyx?”

Twilight looked up from her book and regarded me coolly. “As far as?”

“Should we leave her in Canterlot, or should we bring her here to Ponyville with us? I don’t feel terribly strong about it either way, but I just wanted to see how you felt about it.”

“I’d rather keep our house to ourselves, if you don’t mind too terribly. Having a pet is one thing and having a child is another far better one, but just having friends and people beholden to us around kinda makes me feel like I need to be on decent behavior all the time.”

“Now you see why I act goofier when we’re alone and I don’t have to worry about being judged.” I closed my book after saving my place.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It’s not that I like to act goofier, it’s just that it’s…”

“Harder to relax when we have company?” I guessed.

“Yes, that. It’s just like feeling wound up all the time without any real moment of relief. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad I don’t live with Spike anymore.”

I took her hand and mine and gave her a little smile. “You’ll always be a lone wolf at heart, even if you have learned the joys of friendship and shit.”

She gave me a look. “You just added ‘and shit’ so you wouldn’t sound like you believed in it yourself.”

“Yes, and?”

“That’s incredibly immature.”

“Yes, and?”

“Are you just going to keep ‘yes, and?’ing me?”

“Yes, and?”

“I’m going to choke you with a banana peel.” Twilight deadpanned.

“Kinky. Are you going to get it into my throat by shoving it far up the backdoor?”

She pouted. “It’s not as fun when you figure things out before I can say them.”

“Oh, it’s still fun, just more for me than for you.” I gave her a wink.

She gave me an exasperated smile in return. “I love you, but you’re such an ass.”

“I love you too, but you’re such a cutie pie that I just wanna snuggle you!” I beamed at her, making myself go walleyed.

“Uh… I’m used to seeing Derpy Hooves do that, but I think it’s odder with you since your eyes are dichromatic.”

“Her eyes are rather pretty, aren’t they? I love that shade of yellow.” I reverted my eyes back to how they normally do, blinking to make sure I was seeing right.

Twilight gave me an odd look. “It’s not like you to pass up an easy target. Especially not one as easy as Derpy.”

I raised a brow. “I’m sure she was teased enough without me adding onto her inner pain. Besides, I don’t make fun of physical things besides breasts and genitals.”

I got an even odder look. “Why would you not make fun of her eyes? I mean, I’m not incentivizing you to do that because I would actually be pretty upset if you did, but why?”

I gave Twilight a look. “Fucking with someone over something they can’t help is mean. I doubt Derpy means for her eyes to be how they are, so it’s most likely some kind of physical deformity, and making fun of someone’s handicap is a dick move, flat out. That’s right up there with dead parent jokes. It’s just not really all that funny and if you laugh, then you’re an arsehole.” Though it was hilarious when that guy in a wheelchair fell down an escalator. Yes, I’m a fucking arsehole, but I acknowledge this.

Twilight gave me a little smile. “It’s nice to know that your boundaries are set in tiers of awfulness, I guess. What ranks about making fun of handicaps and dead parents?”

“In terms of terribleness or funniness?”

“Terribleness. What’s truly atrocious to laugh at?”

“Miscarriage jokes, dead child or sibling jokes, and in my opinion now that I’ve seen the elephant, war jokes. You could also argue that calling someone retarded or using racial slurs would rank up there, but those fall on different levels of my offensiveness tier list.”

“You’re a strange little hairless monkey, you know that? Some things that every sane person on Equus would take offense to mean little to nothing to you while there are subtle subjects that you get mad over. The odd thing is that most of us natural citizens of Equus would find pretty much all of it to be the same caliber once you get to jokes about dead loved ones. Insults rank pretty low, but racial slurs like…” Twilight looked around the lobby of the inn before casting a small bubble over us. “Well, slurs that Pegasi use like ‘ground-pounder’ or some of the things Unicorns say like ‘the-magically-declined’.”

I raised a brow. “Neither of those strike me as terribly offensive, but maybe that’s because I can fly if I ever want to and I have Magic.”

Twilight pursed her lips to the side. “I used to feel more upset over being called ground-pounder before I got my wings. When I learned how to fly, Rainbow started to call me ground-pounder to get me more motivated to get… Well, less bad at flying.”

“Just because it doesn’t apply to you doesn't mean it’s not a shitty thing to say.” I reasoned.

Twilight raised a brow at me. “And your use of the N-Word is…? What? Primarily consisting of ‘mistakes’?” She whipped out the air quotes for that one.

I looked off to the ceiling for a second and thought about it. “Uh… I remember one time with Will and Bea when I told them specifically not to say the words that upset you, but I mostly remember me saying it due to forgetting that it was a bad word.”

“Right.” Twilight scoffed. “If I remember correctly, you leaned into the demonstration you did for your brother pretty hard while making firm eye contact.”

I grinned. “How many times have I told you that I’m either an asshole or an arsehole?”

“Far too many for me to be surprised that you preach much better than your practice.” Twilight sighed, looking at her lap and shaking her head.

I put a hand on her shoulder. “Is there something wrong, Cherry? Am I an arsehole too often for my own good?”

She looked at me and I saw that her cheeks were twitching pretty hard, but her face was flat for the most part. “No, nothing’s wrong.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’m not getting a steady vibe from you right now. What’s going on, Twilight?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s going on, Amour.” She blinked slowly.

“... YEAH, I’m gonna call a foul on the field, gonna go ahead and get a timeout up in here.” I shifted so that I was facing her on the smallish couch, still holding her hand.

Twilight gave me a tight smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Max, but it’s really nothing to worry about. I just thought I heard something for a moment and it kinda freaked me out.”

I bit my lip. “What did you hear? Was it a message?”

My wife blinked at me, surprise dawning on her features before dread took over. “Don’t tell me you’ve been hearing these awful things too.” She said quietly.

I shook my head slowly. “I haven’t been hearing anything, Twilight. Can you tell me some of what you’ve had to listen to?”

She gave me another tight smile. “It’s not that bad, just some really creepy laughter… A few warnings here and there…”

“Why haven’t you told me about this?” I asked cautiously.

“... Well, it hasn’t really been an issue, and the voices have been helpful more often than not…”

“So there are multiple. Have they ever told you to hurt someone?” I held her hand gently yet firmly in a subtle act of solidarity.

Twilight wouldn’t quite meet my eyes. “... Only when they deserve it.”

“How long have you been hearing the voices, Twilight?”

She squeezed my hand. “... I’ve heard things my entire life… Not voices all the time, but things that weren’t there, songs that had no rhythm. Sometimes I would hear my name or garbled words that made no sense, but after you became Kaid… The voices became clearer. They sound sinister, but they’re… They’re nice in their own way. It doesn’t really make much sense, but I think my potion might have affected me too.”

I let go of Twilight’s hand and put my arm around her shoulder. “Twilight, have you ever seen people when they weren’t there? Seen little glimmers or sparkles out of thin air? Have shadow people dashing around from the corners of your eyes?”

She shifted in my arms and held me by my shoulders. “How did you know?”

“Those are symptoms of schizophrenia, Cherry. It’s a generally genetic disease that you probably got from your Dad to be honest with you.”

“Is it contagious?” Twilight asked, trying to distance herself from me. I could hear her heart hammering in her chest.

“Genetic diseases don't work that, Cherry. Take a deep breath and calm down, okay? You’ve lived with it so far, and now that it has a name, it’s not any different.” I soothed. “It’s not a terribly big deal, Twilight. As long as the voices aren’t influencing major decisions or telling you to hurt yourself, it’s all fine.”

She bit her lip and looked down. “... They were the ones who reminded me that life without you wasn’t a life worth living, but they also told me to hurt you during our last argument…”

“They’re heavily influenced by your emotions then, Cherry. I’ll teach you some breathing techniques that will help you calm down, but they aren’t going to fix everything. You’ve got to remember to use them, and they’re not exactly panacea at its finest.”

“So you know how to deal with… Schizophrenia was it?”

“That’s right, but you’re wrong. I know what it is and I know that there was medication back on Earth to treat it, though there were a few different ones that were used that worked differently for everyone. I do know that we can help you live with it and that I’ll be with you every step of the way to help you until we can either make the voices play nice or make them go away.”

“Knowing what we’re fighting is always nice… Doesn’t it remind you of The War in a way? Walking into an enemy encampment on ally soil?” Twilight asked.

“Fucking Hell, that was a shitstorm.” I groaned. “I had to solo seventy-five fuckballs even after I tried to surrender and negotiate for a quick peace deal!”

Twilight sighed. “But you found the registry and counted how many soldiers were wherever doing whatever.”

“Sure did. Managed to slip out of the shackles they had me in with a little help from that Changeling, DeMimicry or some shit. Having him shift into an enemy soldier when we realized where we were saved Adstus.” I shook my head and chuckled. “It wouldn’t have mattered if we’d had to fight outright, but I kinda assumed that Iron or Swift would get themselves killed with how outnumbered we were. They did fine when I pared down the masses, but I was still kinda worried.”

She nuzzled me. “For some odd reason your war stories sound so much better when you’re only telling them to me instead of someone else.”

“It’s because you’re extremely possessive.” I said flatly.

“And yet I let you sleep with other women.” Twilight dropped the bubble she’d cast around us.

“Oi, I don’t make up the rules-”

“You literally made the laws of our relationship.”

“Okay, so I do make the rules, but not about the things you’re possessive with. I was going to say that you’re less possessive with my body than my mind.”

“Oh. I suppose I can see that pretty clearly. I do like to think that I’m the only person who really knows what’s going inside of that adorable little head of yours.” Twilight confessed.

“And that’s totally sweet. You know that any time you ask, I’ll tell you what’s on my mind, though I might try and put a positive spin on it.” I placed my cheek on her head and gave her a nuzzle because reasons.

She pulled away and gave me a brief kiss. “You know, you’re like a sorbet when everyone else is eating vanilla ice cream. You’re like comparing gelato to egg nog. It’s just… There really isn’t a standard for how people like you should act, but I like to think that you manage pretty well.”

“I’m actually kind of offended by that. Why can’t I be ice cream?” I protested playfully.

“No, you’re definitely something fun and fruity.”

“I’m married to a woman and I sleep with women. I’m not fruity, I’m chocolatey.” Because black dudes evidently get laid a lot, otherwise they wouldn’t have so many fucking kids. I’m looking at you, Africa. And you, America. Don’t think I’m going to let you slip by.

While I was thinking about that, Twilight had evidently been talking, so when she snapped her fingers in my face, I started. “Max, how long have you been off in space?”

“Uh… How many fingers do I have again?” I looked at my hands.

“What’s the last thing I said.” It really wasn’t a question.

“The last thing I remember is ‘fun and fruity’.” I admitted, choosing honesty as the policy of choice.

My wife sighed. “I was discussing the possibility of going to Canterlot tonight to go to a cabaret or something. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind finding a nice place with some smooth jazz-”

“I already know of a place that’s perfect. As an added plus, they serve chips made with potatoes!” I beamed.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Then we’ll leave in a couple hours. It kinda sucks that we won’t be able to drink when we get there.”

I grabbed four of the bajillion and a half flasks I had. I handed two off to Twilight, the first being one of hers that had been used a few times when she needed a pick-me-up in court. It was a nice little custom number. Some magical anodizing had made the piece a deep royal purple and a little more magic had encrusted Twilight’s Cutie Mark into the front with gems. The second one I passed off to her was one of mine, though I’d meant to give it to her some time ago since I already had two other black flasks. I’d spent some time with my God Magic and engraved a picture of us onto the front and left the silver steel underneath the black surface shine through to highlight the image. I thought the shit was pretty nice, but I was kinda saving it as a surprise gift of some kind. I didn’t care that much since Twilight was thrilled that I made something for her.

My own flasks were two of my favourites. One was old and plain, beaten and bruised, but with a picture of a Zap Apple carved roughly into the front of the piece. It was a gift from Applejack during one of the weekends we spent drinking together, and it was a token from the days when her Dad was still around. The only reason I accepted it was because she had two more, and the one she gave me wasn’t his favourite. I’d been honestly touched by the gift, though when Applejack explained that she owed me much more than one simple flask and some good liquor, I couldn’t help but feel honored. I returned the favour (Secretly, of course) by blessing Sweet Apple Acres, which was a cool thing Festus told me how to do. It was actually the first in my collection, and it’s usually my go to for when I need a drink on the go. The other flask I brought along with me was black and silver. It wasn’t terribly fancy, nor did it really have any meaning to me, but it was the largest one I had that would fit in my jacket’s pocket.

After filling our containers with our beverages of choice, Twilight and I teleported back to Canterlot for a night on the town, not heading straight for the little jazz joint. Twilight actually convinced me to go see a play that we missed the beginning of, and even though we probably lost out on about a quarter of the story, my wife was enraptured. Like, she was stuck in the moment while I was hoping that sitting through that boring bullshit would get me stuck in her for a few hours. When the play ended and Twilight was gushing about how great it had been and how much of a shame it was that we’d missed the beginning, I played the role of the attentive husband and did my best to comment on the shit I’d actually paid attention to. There wasn’t much, to be honest, but I managed well enough to keep Twilight smiling the entire way to Octavia’s usual place.

My wife got some hay ‘fries’ while I got proper chips and we sat back and listened to some music, occasionally sipping from our flasks and chasing it down with the drinks we’d gotten from the ‘bar’. I don’t consider a bar a bar if it’s fucking dry. What the fuck even is a dry bar? I mean, the damned things are for serving alcohol. Yes, you can get food from a bar sometimes; order a soft drink or some shit, but everyone understands that they serve beer, liquor, ale, or whatever the fuck you might need for a good buzz! The very existence of a dry bar pisses me off to no end.

Anyway, rant aside and bullshit done with, quadrupedal Octavia did not come onto the stage while Twilight and I were there, which was a let down to say the least. That pretty much meant that about half of the time we spent there was spent with mediocre music while the actually good musicians took their sweet fucking time to get ready for another set. I can’t imagine what the life of a musician might be like, but from the people in whatever the fuck the place’s name is, it must be easy as shit since you don’t necessarily have to be decent at what you do.

Okay, I traded one rant for another. Whatever.

So Twilight and I retired for the night and I got a chance to write this out here in our room at the Castle. It kinda sucks that we’re paying for a room in a different town just so we can use it as a place to teleport without being rude or being ogled, but sometimes financial sacrifices are necessary to be comfortable. I don’t really like it, but Twilight doesn’t give a shit and I don’t blame her. It’s not a big deal, I just don’t like spending money on shit when I know I could be using an alternative, but that’s just me.

As for how today went, I think everything was rather nice. I mean, It’s been a pretty pleasant time so far, and the honeymoon feeling is kinda settling in over the anxiety about what exactly our mission is. I know getting comfortable quickly is bad, but I think it honestly might be due to the fact that I’m used to being the strongest thing on the planet, which isn’t the case anymore. Discord is still a very real threat, Sombra is still a sleeping Dragon, Tirek is looming in the distance, and I don’t wanna have to deal with fucking Parasprites. Twilight mentioned that we might be close to that event, but she doesn't quite remember if we’re in the right place in the timeline for us to get hit with that bullshit. I swear to hickory-dickory shitballs and beyond that I’ll put those sons of bitches in a blender and make patties out of their meat if they wanna fuck with my house. I could always just hurl lightning at them. That could work.

Twilight just took a look at what I was writing and pinched me for being violent and moody for the last few paragraphs, but these are my journals and this is how I express myself, so she can suck it. Actually, I might ask her to do that. If I don’t start writing again, then there was success.

First off, success! Second off, Twilight and I wandered around in her dreamscape last night while looking for a sign of the voices anywhere, but they were either hiding or they were invisible. I didn’t know if we would actually find any sign of them whatsoever, but I did believe that we stood a better chance of understanding them if we actually looked into Twilight’s mind and tried to find them. Since the dreamscape is linked to the mindscape, it’s not exactly a far stretch to assume that we could find the source of the voices in her dreams, but there was nothing doing. When we woke up in the morning, Twilight shrugged off the loss by saying that she’d been dealing with the voices for some time and could handle them as long as she needed to, but I could still sense the underlying anxiety she was feeling about her sketchy diagnosis. It made sense since we knew something was wrong with her and we couldn’t fix it, but all we thought we could do for the time being was deal with it.

Then I stopped being retarded.

After a brief chat and a long shower, Twilight and I were getting dressed in the lavatory when it hit me. “Oi! Twilight, I know what we can do about the thing with the voices!”

My wife jumped hard since we’d been silent for some time, snagging her brush in her hair. “Ow! Max, did you really have to yell like that?”

“Well, no, but it’s exciting and it might be helpful.” I gave her a winsome grin.

She gave me a baleful eye in return. “What’s your idea, O’ Dearly Beloved?”

“That sounded pretty damn sarcastic.”

Twilight worked the brush out of her hair. “Pain tends to sharpen the tone, Amour.”

“Duly noted, doubly disregarded. You hurt my feelings.” I sniffed.

“I will throw this brush at you.” Twilight walked out of the lavatory, leaving me to follow in her wake at my own pace.

“Feelings forgotten. So, like, dude. What if I like, reach into your brain and pull out the voices?”

Twilight gave me a pensive look. “They’re quietly disagreeing with you, and I have to admit that I'm on their side for this, Amour. The voices have warned me about a few things, like letting you be alone after you got back from the Moon, or like when they told me that I shouldn’t leave you alone with Celestia-”

“But you did that.” I interrupted, having a seat on the bed as I put my shirt on.

“I really had to use the restroom.” Twilight said sheepishly. “If I could have made it faster or brought you with me, I would have.”

“Were you constipated or something? You were gone for a little while.” I teased.

“I ate a lot of cheese before coming to Equis! Shut up!”

I broke out into giggles and couldn’t meet her eye. “Dear God, you’re the best!”

She shoved me before folding her arms. “Shut up.”

I chuckled for a few more seconds. “Ah, fuck. I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

“Is that a reference to something?”

“Yes, but it’s too funny for you to handle. Your brain might explode.” I said solemnly.

She rolled her eyes and sat down next to me. “So what are we doing about the voices? I mean, I’m used to them, I just don’t like that they tell me to do violent things.”

“Can I take them from you from a little bit and try to talk to them for myself?” I asked, half expecting her to say no.

“... Well, can’t I just bring you into my mindscape?” She asked tentatively.

“If you know how to reverse the usual spell, then let’s try it.” I gave her a reassuring smile.

She gave me a hopeful smile in return. “I don’t know what I plan on doing if we actually meet the source of them.”

“Neither do I, to be completely honest with you. I’d like to introduce them to the voices in my head so we’re all acquainted and friendly.”

Twilight actually giggled at that. “You know we sound insane, right?”

And whose fault is that? You made the potion, woman! “We might be, but we won’t be the first members of the Royal Family to be crazy.”

“Well, Celestia and Luna have managed to go to insanity and come back for a visit enough times to run a country, so I think we’ll be alright.” She patted my leg.

“So I’m right?” I smirked.

“Why does it have to be about who’s right and who’s wrong? Was anyone even wrong in this situation?”

“I just want to hear you say that I was right.”

“Oh my gosh, what am I going to do with you?” Twilight chuckled. Hook.

“Say the thing and you might find out.” I gave her a smile and a wink.

“It’ll have to wait until tonight. We’re already coming close to sunrise.” Twilight sighed. Line.

“Fifteen minutes of pleasure topped by forty-five more of bliss. It’ll be well worth your time, and I know you like the morning snacks.”

My wife gave me a look. “Why?” Time for the sinker.

“I feel like you could use something to start your morning off right, a little something to get your spirits up. I love the aura you put off after snack time, and during is intoxicating in it’s own right, but the afterglow is where you shine.” I said softly.

“... I know it’s not going to just be an hour.” And she swallowed it whole.

“Time constraints are stupid anyway.” I murmured, already moving in to start with a few kisses along the length of Twilight’s neck.

After two and a half very fun hours, Twilight and I departed from our room. Another shower was taken and more dangly bits were fondled in all the right ways, but that’s not what was important. To get to the important part and completely skip over the lame brunch we picked up out in town, Twilight and I traveled into her mindscape when we got back to the Castle. At first it was a whirlwind of memories and thoughts, each of them whizzing by in physical form, displayed on cubes. I had no fucking clue why Twilight’s mind was like that, but when I got to her and started acting as her meat shield, she started to calm down and the cubes slowed until they were just floating about. It was a fucking fantastic thing because those little bastards were about twice the size of a Rubic’s Cube and were flying hard enough to leave bruises.

Once things were nice and manageable, we started taking a look around and I reminded
Twilight that dream rules applied in tandem with a few different ones. She got rid of the cubes and imagined her old home, the Golden Oaks Library, which I actually forgot the name of until she said it. It’s not like there was a sign on it, and everyone either referred to it as 'Twilight’s place' or 'The Treebrary', so go fuck yourself. You fucking yourself aside, I tried making a few things to see the extent of my capabilities in Twilight’s domain and it seemed like I could do pretty much whatever I could in my own mindscape, minus making weapons of any kind. I didn’t like that much since there may have been some kind of brain-creature lurking around, fucking with Twilight’s head, but I hoped that if we managed to find the source of the voices they would be friendly. Or, you know, just not murderous. Either were fine options.

Twilight and I stood around for a little bit before I suggested that we make the place a little more accommodating for a few guests. “So how many voices are there? I mean, if we’re asking them to show up, we could at least offer some seating.”

"Needless niceties.” A stern female voice said from the ether. She sounded to be around thirty or forty from what I could tell. “I will tell you all you need to know.”

“Uh… Cool. Rad. Thanks.” I replied grandiloquently.

“You are welcome.” She said, her tone easing.

“Right. So… Why are you telling Twilight to hurt people?” I asked uneasily.

“I control the shadows as you control the stars. The two do not correlate.” The voice harrumphed.

“Max, do you mind if I ask a few questions?” Twilight requested.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to hog the spotlight.” I nodded to her.

She returned the gesture. “Excuse me, but do you have a name?”

“I have named myself Darkest Dusk.” The absolute fucking edgelord announced.

“Ah fuck.” I muttered.

Twilight gave me a weird look. “Alright Dusk, can you tell me why there are shadows that tell me to hurt people?”

“They follow your will, your desires.” Darkest Dickhole chuckled.

Twilight looked unsettled by that. “But… I’m not a violent person, am I?”

“Not by nature, no.” I intercepted the intangible bitch’s reply. “Though when you get pushed to a certain point it’s hard not to want to lash out, but you hold back pretty well.”

She grimaced. “I’d rather just be a more peaceful person in general.”

"You will have your peace, Twilight. You will not find it here, however.”

“...What does that mean?” Twilight asked hesitantly.

“Your mind was not made for visitation. Leaving now will save you much pain.” Dusk said harshly. She was kind of a cunt, but a helpful cunt.

Twilight looked to me. “Oh, well… I suppose I’ll just try and talk to you in reality.”

After a few moments, it became clear that she wasn’t going to get an answer, so I took Twilight and we left the mindscape in favour of getting that mildly disturbing event out of our heads. We didn’t do very well, but we did manage to get some decent theories out, like that the newly dubbed ‘DD’ was a spokesperson of sorts for the Voices, which I should have been capitalizing this entire time but didn’t think about. Oh well. We also considered the fact that Twilight recognized DD’s voice as one that had done right by her a couple of times, though I felt like Twilight wasn’t telling me something. I didn't press her about it, though I still feel like I should have.

To actually do something to clear our heads, we went to Ponyville and contacted Mary shortly after getting into town. She was happy to let us know that our new place was ready to go and had passed inspection earlier in the morning, so without further ado, she took a break from masturbating furiously ( I could smell it in the air) to help us find our place since we hadn’t actually fucking been there before. It should have been around the same place my original house was, but still. Having a friendly guide was nice, and Mary always keeps a conversation going with practiced ease, so the time passed pretty quickly.

We had a bit of a walk to get to our place, but to see the brown-brick structure in the distance was something I adored. The arched window with large panes sat facing the path to the house, though I was a little more interested in the little addition to the left side of the house. If the schematics were right, then the covered porch thingy would be accessible from the kitchen, and it looked like there was plenty of space for a table to seat a few guests. I exchanged a smile with Twilight and Mary trotted along in front of us, eager to show off what she’d seen earlier in the day. I don’t know what it is about females, but they like houses. They like seeing houses that they can afford, houses they can’t afford, their friend’s houses, their neighbor’s houses… Shit’s weird now that I think about it. I’m pretty sure it gets worse the older they get too. Maybe it’s like, some basic instinct from back in the Pre-Historic days. They just need to find the best nest for their offspring or some shit.

Like I said, weird.

Getting back to the house, the front door was unlocked, which I wasn’t really fond of. However, the reinforcement of said door made me quite happy when I examined the side of it. The damned thing was about eighteen centimeters thick, but it closed with a softness you wouldn’t expect from a door so heavy. Before heading further into the house with the ladies, I checked the locks I’d specifically had commissioned and they were all satisfactory. The ten centimeter thick deadbolt was enough to make me smile, and when I rapped on the glass in the windows, I could tell that it was some thick shit. It would still break, but then again , there wasn’t really much that could crawl through the windows anyway. I dunno, someone might try to… Well shit, Ponies probably don’t have bows since they don’t have arms, and I doubt they have molotov cocktails since they don’t have alcohol. Well… I guess I have a fortified house anyway, which is still dope.

I followed Twilight and Mary into the living room, which was a pleasantly large space. I was willing to bet that we could seat the girls and a few other friends with few issues, though I was sure that Twilight would want to fill some of the area with bookshelves. I found myself attracted to the medium sized fireplace, and the cobblestone hearth was rather charming, though there was obviously no need for there to be a fire going. Shit, it’s like, spring. Anyway, I already had an idea for how I wanted the living room set up as far as the placement of my favourite chair, but the rest was up to Twilight.

We moved on to the kitchen and dining area, which was separated by a bar that allowed you to go back and forth between the areas. The bar thing was my idea, of course, but Twilight still thought it was silly since we were likely the only ones who would ever sit there. I still liked it, but her negativity was harshing my mellow, man. The kitchen itself was nice, and everything on its side of the room was made out of a dark, ruddy wood that I wasn’t terribly fond of, but that Twilight was ecstatic about. I didn’t see why she was so excited since I’m the one who is going to spend the most time in there, but whatever. The floor in the kitchen was tile, which was going to suck during the cold months, but on the plus side our icebox was black, so small victories and all that.

The floor in the dining room was made out of a light brown wood that we’d have to find a matching table for, but we brushed the matter aside since neither of us were really that picky about dining room bullshit. The walls in the dining room were a shade darker than those in the rest of the house, having gone from a nice bright grey to a slightly warmer tone, though that may have been the lighting speaking for me. From the dining room we went to the porch thing and that was nice. I liked the railing, though not really having a name for the space bothered me to no end, so I asked Mary what it should be called. She was partial to calling it an outside breakfast nook, so that’s what it’s going to be.

We came back inside and looked around some more, stopping in the guest room to see what that was all about. It was a decently sized room, and the cream coloured walls made it seem like a nice little place. The big floor to ceiling window was a little much in my book, but Twilight wanted what she wanted, so in it went. I thought it was a bit of a safety hazard, but some things just don’t need to be talked about in polite company. From there, we moved on to the main bathroom, and the sit-down shower was to my liking. I also liked the Jack-and-Jill sinks that was going on, but my main thing was that there was a bog roll holder on the wall, properly installed as I had requested.

After the guest room and guest bathroom, Twilight and I wanted to see the back porch to figure out what we were working with as far as that went, and when we saw the open space, Twilight fell in love and I grimaced. The back porch was only partially covered by an awning, meaning that we would likely have to service the deck once winter was over if we wanted to keep it looking nice. I immediately started placing ‘Endurance’ Seals on every available piece of wood until Mary asked what I was doing, which made Twilight pay attention to me. I was told to stop trying to fortify our house, but my thing was that I didn’t want to get screwed by nature. I was dutifully ignored and we went back inside to look at the master bedroom and whatnot.

The master bedroom was definitely spacious enough for the bed we’d had in mind, and the room was honestly just a little too large for the rest of the house, but I suppose that’s what you get when you have a woman who’s used to having plenty of space for her shit. I would have been fine with a smaller room and a smaller bed, but Twilight gets what she wants, and I wasn’t complaining about having room for all of my clothes, plus a little extra so Twilight could fit her spare clothes, though I wasn’t sure of how many outfits I could possibly remember. I was willing to bet that I could get most of them, so when we were looking at the master bathroom, I was a little lost. However, I did manage to notice that the master bath was a little smaller than the main one, though that was because the integrated shower/tub took up more space since it was also a hot tub.

So what? I missed my hot tub. Go fuck yourself if you don’t like it.

I’m not going to mention anything about the closet space or the cellar because it’s just really not that important, but I would like it to be known that there was plenty of space to go around as far as storage went. Twilight and I could likely fill the house with whatever knick-knacks our hearts desired and never run out of space, although unless you count Twilight’s shrine to me, neither of us are the hoarding type. Still, we were the shopping type when we were together, and we’d just gotten a pretty big reason to go shopping, so we offered to invite Mary over for tea the next day since it was the weekend, and bid her a good day once the rest of the tour slash hour of straight talking was over. We decided to go to Canterlot for our furniture and that was a probably a great idea. I mean, we found some shit while walking around and browsing that we actually fell in love with, like this one ornate table that stood on four carefully carved legs. They didn’t depict anything in particular, but Twilight and I were able to form a Dual Seal and enchant the table against wear and tear while simultaneously marking it as ours. We left the two sofas we got untouched, but when I found a particularly nice recliner, I made sure to mark it as mine. Twilight found a nice straight backed chair that she marked as hers, and with the six chairs we found nice, but not quite right for us, we took off and went to start doing other shit.

I have to expound upon ‘other shit’ because Twilight’s making me. Other shit involved shopping for supplies in general for the house. There. Expounded. Anyway, so Twilight and I were able to teleport our shit home, and for the most part, when we put something somewhere, it was usually spot on unless we were actually in the house. Then, of course, we had it exactly where we wanted, but the reason that’s important is because it saved us a lot of time on having to do it all by hand. That type of shit ate up the rest of our day, and by the time we were done with it, I was bored as fuck and didn’t feel like going out to eat since we had plenty of ingredients in the house. I ended up making a dish Crimson showed me how to make, a certain flamiche. I also made some potato and egg cocottes because I thought they’d be nice, but they came out a little on the wonky side.

Twilight and I retired to one of our sofas and cuddled up for a sleepless night that always comes with living in a new place. When I’d moved into the mansion, I’d had trouble sleeping, and when Twilight and I had gotten moved into Castle Arcadia, we both had gone three days without a wink of sleep. It had been rough, but there was also a shit-tonne of work to be done during that first week, and being awake longer just meant that there was more time to get more shit done. Makes it a bad example, I guess, but I’m just writing for shits and giggle at this point. I don’t really want to stop, but there’s nothing else to do.

I suppose this little piece is going to be shorter than the past few. Oh well.

So Twilight and I got to watch as the day passed by from our living room. I mean, we weren’t actively watching the fucking Sun travel across the sky or anything, but we were paying attention, yeah? Anyway, so Twilight and I didn’t sleep last night and it’s really no big deal; just gave us more cuddle time, which is always nice. However, it did mean that we had to be awake for Pinkie flooding the fucking town. The shit reached our Goddamn house, and you can bet that I was pissed when I heard water hit my front door after I just got done buying nice things for my place. Luckily, the door was airtight and the walls were waterproof or some shit, so our house didn’t flood. The cellar was sealed properly, so it didn’t leak too bad, but there was some moisture in the air when I went down there to check how it was faring against the flood. Twilight teleported out to go deal with that nonsense, and I took my happy arse out to the back porch to see if there was anyway to make it to the woods without wet boots. I decided on teleportation as my means of getting to the Whitetail Woods, and by catching trees as I was falling near them, I managed to hop from branch to branch without getting my boots dirty until I found the plant that I was looking for. There were actually a fuck tonne of them, so I memorized the spot and checked my find to see if it had germinated. Luckily, it was early in the season, so everything was growing nice and tall, but wasn’t quite at its peak yet. I chopped the second prettiest looking specimen, one with blueish leaves and bright orange hairs crawling all around its fragrant buds.

Yes, I went out to go find weed. At least it’s not coke, you judgmental fuck.

Instead of doing shit like a normal person, I decided to use my totally awesome powers to put myself on my back porch only to find that the water level had risen a bit. It didn’t seem like a case of My Problem, so I just tied the tree to the edge of the roof using some handy twine from my shop back on Equus and plucked one of the buds. I used a drying spell that Twilight had taught me, stole the grinder and pipe I’d bought back on Earth, and got down to business. After an hour or two of getting faded like a stripper's dreams of being a lawyer, Twilight came back home soaking wet before drying herself off. She joined me on the sofa I was using as my chill spot and I passed the bowl to her.

“So how’d that one work out for ya?” I asked blearily.

“Shut up, Max.” She grumbled.

“Love you, Cherry.”

She hit the bowl and sighed. “I should’ve just stayed home. The girls trust me to do everything since I’ve already done it, but if I step in, I’ll be robbing them of the bonding experiences the girls and I had back on Equus. It’s going to suck, keeping my hands out of their business.”

I wrapped an arm around her and kissed her cheek. “It’ll be what you make of it. You can’t always step in when you want, Twilight. We learned this as royalty.”

“Doesn’t make it any less guilt-trippy when I know I could be doing something, but my hands are tied. If they come to me, I’ll guide them in the right direction, but I can’t just fix their problem for them again.” My wife sighed harder and relit the bowl. “Would you mind grabbing some wine glasses?”

“Would you rather have something I’ve been saving to try with you? It’s swe~et!”

Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes. “Sure, I’ll try almost anything once.”

I grabbed the amaretto and a couple of tumblers, pouring with a deft hand. “I think you’ll like it. I had a similar liquor back on Earth, and it was divine.”

Twilight took her piece of crystal from my and looked at the amber liquid before giving it a sniff. “Almonds? I like almonds.”

I gave her a smile. “That’s why I think you’ll like it. Cheers, Cherry.” I raised my glass to her.

She smiled back. “Cheers. Here’s to the first day in our new house.”

I snorted and sipped my drink. It was nice as fuck. “Crazy shit, right? Town floods the same day we start settling into having a place of our own. Sounds like Ponyville.”

“Home away from home.” My wife chuckled and shook her head. “You know, I think this is God’s way of telling us that we need some time to relax together.”

I shrugged. “Maybe so. He just had to put us somewhere I wouldn’t want to fuck every woman walking by, right?”

Twilight pinched me gently. “You’re such a goob.”

“But I’m your goob!” I smiled at her.

She smiled back. “Yes, yes you are.”

And that’s where I’m going to leave this one. Just had to get that one last event in there since Ponyville is boring as shit most of the time.

Author's Notes:

Holy shit, nothing exploded, no one died, and nothing's trying to kill Max. Weird. I wonder if I was just trying to give Max a good day or two when I wrote this. I dunno.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids