Fucking shite, it’s been a little while since I’ve been back to this journal. I know why I stopped writing for so long, but reading over the last few entries really made me wonder what the fuck my life was before things quieted down around Castle Arcadia. With The War well and truly over and most of Equus holding fast to the peace treaty Celestia bullied everyone into signing, things are looking like they don’t fucking suck, and the times ahead don’t seem that bad when all things are said and done. That’s a large part of why I haven’t been writing. Between my work as a Prince, squeezing in a little time for friends and attending aristocratic bullshit that Celestia’s been forcing me to go to, I haven’t really had the time to keep my journals up, but then I got hip to the game of Princedom and started cheating like a proper politician.

Instead of doing damn near eight hours of paperwork in four to six hours, I’ve managed to cut it down to less than an hour through the advent of some perception altering Magic that I had Twilight and Trixie help me pioneer. There was a spell that could be cast with normal Unicorn Magic called ‘Study Buddy Brain’ that would let you read and understand what you were reading faster than you usually would, though it wasn’t something that Trixie or Twilight ever used unless they were trying to save as much time as they possibly could before an experiment. The spell works by making your mind more receptive to information, so once I had Twilight show me how to cast the spell and the teach me the mental incantation. I started using my finite supply of Unicorn Magic to help me get through my paperwork faster. Up until I realized that I could just alter my perception of time, effectively making things seem slower as I filled out page after page, I thought I’d been doing pretty well with it. It was actually pretty genius for saving time in the day, even if the spell didn’t actually do anything towards making paperwork suck less. I mean, I still had to read through everything and decide whether or not to approve it, but my shit works so well, Twilight started using her own version of it and refined it to the point where she and I are sending each other notes to see who gets done with their daily load first. Twilight might be faster at filling things out than I am, but I mostly get left alone when I’m in my office and she has to deal with court, so I get a bit of a handicap in that regard.

I should probably add in that I did some stuff over the course of my hiatus, but you know. Shit and things. Oh yeah, I totally experienced Nightmare Night for myself this year and that was pretty fucking cool if I do say so myself. I missed my first one on Equus because I’d been stuck in my house, drunk off my arse for some reason or the other that I’m not going to go into detail about now. Still, now that Twilight and I had a place to call our own, I decided that Castle Arcadia was going to house a haunted… house. Fuck. I could’ve worded that better, but I write in ink, dammit! Fucking Ponies and their lack of pencils. I mean, they use them in schools, but that’s just about the only place you can get them and I would hate to write my journals in lead since it tends to smear more than the pens I usually use. Oh well.

So I brought Will and Bea to Equestria for a little bit because I could a few days before Nightmare Night was supposed to happen. They both had some time off, and when I took Twilight to go visit them in England again, she was happy to invite them over so we could show them the world I’d been telling them about every time we got a chance to go see them. I feel like I should mention that Twilight and I tended to visit about every other week to play board games and catch up on what we’d missed out on. Will thought that Twilight’s notes on her activities were a little strange, but Beatrix was totally down for it in every sense of the word and started doing the same thing so she could have more stuff to talk to Twilight about. Sometimes there just wasn’t all that much to be talked about, but Will and I could usually tell a few tales of some stuff we’d done together to keep the conversation going before one of the girls cut in with one of their past experiences. We fellas knew that the ladies just got tired of us almost snitching on ourselves about the metaphorical notches on our belts, but it’s not like we were doing it on purpose.

Anyway, so I took Twilight to England a few days before Halloween/Nightmare Night and ended up shifting outside of their house so we could knock. After a few moments, Will opened the door with a massive smile and said, “I was wondering if you guys were going to make it today. Bea said it was the off week, but I had a feeling I was right.”

I fist bumped him, the Seal I’d put on his forearm flaring up at the contact. “We’re always right, mate. When will women learn to-” Twilight yanked on my ear, “Ow.”

Will chuckled and shook his head. “Mate, I know you respect ladies as much as guys, but you say some seriously misogynistic shit.”

I shrugged. “I make fun of guys for being idiots all the time. It’s only sexist because women are sensitive little snowflakes half the time.” Twilight glared at me and started working her thumb in between some of my ribs.

“The more you talk, the less I want you to sleep in my bed.” Twilight said drily.

“The more you abuse me, the more shit I feel like talking.” I replied blithely, reaching over to mess up her hair. I feel like it’s important to mention that she was Human at the time.

Twilight swatted my hand away and used Magic to fix her ‘do. “It’s because you talk so much nonsense that I abuse you-”

Will and I both jumped back and pointed at her. “Ah-ha! You admit it!” We shouted in unison.

“We told you that you and Bea abuse us all the time, but you denied it! We told you that you were secretly evil and you abused us for it! You finally admit your wrong doings!” I said loudly, getting some weird looks from people on the street. Oh yeah, Will and Bea got their own house. Twilight and I helped them move with Magic.

My wife rolled her eyes. “So I abuse you a little. I’ve seen you put people on their backs for less, and I’m sure you cause far more lasting damage.”

I rubbed the nape of my neck. “Well, I am a bit of a badass, aren’t I?”

Will scoffed. “You’ll be a badass when you can beat me without Magic.”

Twilight stared at him while I chuckled. “... Max challenged eight of our senior guards to a brawl last week and he beat all of them within five minutes. I even took some time out of my day to go watch because I thought I might finally see him lose a fight to someone other than his mentors.”

Will rolled his eyes. “Someone doesn’t understand bluster and bravado.”

I patted Twilight’s back. “Will’s my big brother, Cherry. He’s allowed to say he can kick my arse whenever he wants, regardless of whether or not he actually could.”

Twilight’s cheeks got a little pink, so I kissed one. She gave me a little smile. “Sorry. I guess I just don’t know that many brothers other than mine, but Shining and Spike don’t really talk.”

Will shrugged and walked away, leaving the door open. Twilight and I followed him in and I asked, “So why is that? It’s not like they have bad blood or anything, right?”

Twilight shrugged. “They never told me. They wave when they see each other, but other than that, I don’t think I’ve heard them speak to each other in years…” She tilted her head and almost walked into a wall before I pulled her toward the living room.

Bea was relaxing on the sofa, wearing some joggers and a loose T-Shirt. She’d been reading up until Will announced our presence and rose to come and say hi. “Twilight! Max! It’s good to see you guys!”

Twilight got first dibs on hugs and Bea gave me a look before spreading her arms. “If you teleport me again, I’m kicking your bollocks into your arse.”

I shifted her across the room because I could. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of Magic.”

My wife pinched me and I palmed her bottom, making her stand on her tip toes before she grabbed my wrist. “Max! Will you stop being such a foal?”

I gave her the most innocent look a guy like me can get his hands on. “What are you talking about, Cherry? You know my hand is made of metal, and your arse is just magnetizing!”

Bea hit me since she’d crossed the room just to do so, the Seal Twilight had put on her upper arm flaring up as she hit my arm. The left one. Needless to say, I got the better of that exchange. “Christ, Max! Warn a girl when she’s about to punch metal, will you!?”

“Stop hitting him and you won’t have to worry about it.” Will chimed in cheekily from the kitchen.

“Are you trying to sleep on the couch tonight?” Bea called back.

“You know I’m better at fucking with you than you are with me, Bea. If I sleep on the couch, I’ll dye your shampoo again.” He replied, his threat very real.

“Ooh! Boy, I’ll put my foot so far up your arse you’ll be coughing up leather for a week!”

Twilight blanched at the mention of leather and shivered. Bea took notice and grimaced. “Sorry, Twilight. I forget that you’re not Human sometimes.”

“Would it help if I went back to my Pony form?” My wife asked uneasily.

Bea gave her a kind smile. “You know we don’t care which form you take while you’re in the house, right? As long as you’re not a Pony on the streets or in public, No one’s going to call us furries.” She shot me a dark smile.

I colored. “I’m not a fucking furry! I’m a xenophile, dammit! Twilight’s an alien, not an animal, and I’m frankly offended that you still make that comparison!”

Beatrix glanced at Twilight and blushed. “... I guess it is kinda bitchy to insinuate that Twilight’s one of those weird fuckers when she was just born a different species.”

“Yeah! Stop being a racist, Bea!” Will said, coming in from the kitchen with some Cokes for him and myself, grape squash for Bea, and some imported Cheerwine for my Cherry.

The natural Human woman glared at her husband and flipped him the two finger salute. “Fuck off, Will. You’ll be wanking for the next month if you keep it up.”

I chuckled until Twilight jabbed me in the side. “I hope you don’t think that’s funny, because I have month’s worth of yellow clothes.”

Will and I shut up because we were stuck, though Bea asked, “What do yellow clothes have anything to do with holding out on Max?”

“When I wear yellow, it means Max isn’t going to be getting anywhere anytime soon.” Twilight explained. “It’s pretty much my only way of making sure I stick to what I say when it comes to that kind of stuff.”

“Fuckin’ sucks.” I muttered to Will.

“Load of bollocks ‘what it is.” He grumbled.

Our women glared at us. “Excuse me?” They chorused.

“I ain’t say shit.” Will replied quickly.

“I said shit, I just know better than to repeat it.” I responded calmly.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Why did I marry a man-foal?”

“Because his dick is satisfying and that’s about it.” Will blurted out, his word vomit earning him a friendly punch from me.

My wife blushed and pursed her lips, apparently giving it some real thought while Be just shook her head. “It’s sad that I can’t say the same about you, Will. I keep you around to pay bills.”

“Ooh shite!” I bit back chuckles. “Wanna try another one, mate?”

Will gave me a look. “You know my sausage is spicier than yours, so shove it.”

“Yeah, but mine is more flavourful.” I countered.

“Mine is thicker.”

“Mine is longer.”

“I bet I can piss further than you.” He challenged.

“Fucking bet, mate.” I gave him a predatory grin.

Bea gave us a look befitting of our autistry. “Are you two fucking spastic, or are you about to have a literal pissing contest?”

I shrugged. “We already did the dick measuring contest.”

Will nodded sagaciously. “Same girl, different days.”

“... Don’t even come into our room unless you’re grabbing clothes.” Bea said, her voice flat.

“Shit.” Will muttered. “This always happens when you come over, mate!”

I spread my hands. “Do you seriously not remember how many fights we used to get into just because we’d never shut up?”

Twilight gave us a withering look. “Oddly enough, I don’t even need a number to know that it was plenty. Max, you’ll be in your study tonight.”

I gave her a look. “I’ll send you to the moon and give you a sleeping bag if you want to be like that.”

Twilight crossed her arm and tapped her foot. “Yellow. Every day. For a month.”

I shut up.

With Will and I sipping our drinks to keep us from talking more rubbish, Twilight and Bea went over their notes and had a pretty good time while covering some of the things that they’d done. Bea had gotten a new case, this one was actually for a violent crime. She’d be working as a prosecutor and it would be her first real assignment as a lawyer, though I only say that because she’s doing most of the work herself. She’d pulled quite a few late nights in the office the past week or so and had barely managed to get herself some time for the weekend, but she’d gone and put her nose to the grindstone, despite not having remembered that Twilight and I were supposed to be coming over.

Twilight talked about how she was looking into getting us a steward and a stewardess and mentioned that she’d found a married couple that had managed a chain of game shops in Equestria before selling off about half of their franchise to build a nice little fortune so they could take it easy for however long they wanted. She mentioned that she’d taken a real liking to the wife, but she was a little hesitant to say what she thought of the husband, a blush coming to her face as she described him. Apparently the guy was quite the Dilf, so I’d be getting him while Twilight would be taking his wife, though I was curious as to how it was going to work out.

Once they’d gotten through half of their respective lists, I offered to take us all to Equestria, which excited Twilight and Bea to no end. Will was more interested in seeing Ol’ Harmless (The Kopis Hephaestus gave me) and Arsene, so I straight up just gave him Arsene to put up on his wall since I couldn't’ really use it anymore. I hated that such a well made blade would be going to waste, but it made for a good gift and Will was in love with it. It was nice to see my brother happy, so I ate my loss and took us all to Equestria shortly after.

I figured that the Throne Room was as good a place as any to start, so I brought us there, giving Will and Bea some time to look around. Their jaws hit flo’, next thing you know, shorty got low low low low low low low low. By shorty I mean Bea, and she actually did hit the floor. Will wasn’t far behind her, which made me panic my fucking arse off like no other. I gathered my Magic while Twilight freaked out and kept a hand on either of them at all times, listening to their heartbeats and tracking where their Anima were swirling about. My check told me that they were suffering from a version of the bends that I didn’t quite understand, but it wasn’t life threatening and I told Twilight that they would most likely wake up on their own sometime in the next few minutes. She told me to just fix them before something actually did happen, so I loaded Will’s Seal with a complex number that I won’t get too far into, though I did have to describe it to Twilight so she could fix Bea’s Seal too. It would’ve been easier if they’d both just taken my mark, but Bea wanted to be difficult and just had to prefer Twilight’s sparkles to my Star of David, though I guess Twilight’s thing looks more like a star than mine does.

Semantics.

Will was the first to rise since he was the first to get fixed and blinked a few times. “Why do I smell wine in here?” He asked blearily.

“This is where Twilight spends most of her day. It smells like her and a few other people, but mostly her.” I replied.

Will sniffed and rubbed his head. “All Ponies have a unique scent, right?”

I gave him a hand up while Twilight was getting Bea up to speed. “Yup. Wanna go get the ladies so we can have a proper tour around the premises?”

Will looked around for a moment and scratched his head. “... You really are a Prince. Huh.”

I patted his shoulder and looked over to Twilight and Bea, though it wasn’t like they weren’t more than a meter or so away. They started walking away while talking to each other. “Oi!”

Twilight looked back before changing herself back into a Pony. “Yes, Amour?”

“Don’t you need us, your baby boys?” I asked pitifully.

Bea scoffed. “I think we’re happy without your noise.”

I flipped her off and she returned the gesture, though they did wait for Will and I to come over before they started walking again. I’d like to say that I found the tour interesting, but I was mostly amused by my brother’s and sister-in-law’s reactions. They were staggered by the sight of pretty much everything, constantly asking if Twilight and I were really in charge of all of it, to which the answer was always ‘Yes’. Will wanted to see the Armory and Bea wanted to start meeting some of the girls since Twilight always talked about them, so we split up and I showed Will some sharp shit. It was cool.

I wanted to show him my end of Castle Affairs, so I shifted us to the training grounds and Will gave me a weird look, making me ask, “What? Were you expecting something else?”

“No, I’m just trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re like, the top fucking constable, mate. You’re the guy who sends guys after guys like we used to be.” He shook his head.

“Mate, you said ‘guy’ three times and barely made any sense. What are you, American?”

“You’re still picking on those simps? Mate, that one American robbed you years ago and you’re still being racist for it?”

“Fuck off. They’re just easy targets since they do a lot of stupid shit that makes it into the news. Oh yeah, how’s the orange fucker doing with the country?”

Will shook his head. “I don't even wanna talk about it. You have any friends working for you, or do you keep yourself aloof and above all the common rabble?” He joked.

“Tch. My best friend is one of my commanding officers, my surrogate older brother leads my Guard, two of my friends are instructors, and this one sexy former Operative is now one of my Operators, which is kinda like being the Head Ranger guy from the John Flanagan series.”

“You mean the Ranger’s Apprentice? I liked that series. That’s where i got my name from.” Will fucking beamed.

I gave him a look. “If you tell me that your last name is Treaty, I’m making you fight the least experienced member of Adstus.”

“That was your glorified hit squad, right?”

“Damn straight.”

Will pulled out his wallet and showed me his identification card, so I dragged Mr. Treaty over to the sparring circles and told him to wait for a little bit. Once I found Iron doing whatever it was that she does, I brought her over. “Iron Hoof, this is my brother Will. Will, this is Iron Hoof, one of my friends and instructors.”

Iron and Will shook hands. “It’s pretty great to put a face to the name. Back when Max put Adstus together, he used to tell everypony about the stuff you guys used to do.” Iron gave him a pleasant smile.

Will smirked cheekily. “Did he tell you that I used to cream his arse on a regular basis?”

Iron blinked, a blush slowly rising from her neck to her face. “... Aren’t you two brothers?”

I bit back chuckles while Will worked his Magic. “Yeah, but we’re not biological brothers. Even if we were, I’d still be knocking his boots off every chance I get.”

My poor instructor couldn’t look him in the eye, so she turned to me. “M-Max? I-I thought-”

“Nah, I wasn’t always the hardcore punch-muffin I am now. Will used to get me more often than I could get him, and he usually had me walking funny by the end of it.” It was my turn to fuck around and Will popped his knuckles; his tell for when he was trying his hardest not to laugh in someone’s face.

Iron’s face was bright red as she looked anywhere but at me. “So... “

Will gave Iron an odd look. “Can you take Max, or does he really live up to all his talk?”

Iron snapped to attention and gave him her attention. “H-How did we go from talking about- Nevermind.”

I crossed my arms. “Talking about what? We’ve been talking about fighting this entire time.”

Her face bloomed with surprise. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Will asked. “What do you mean by ‘oh’? Did you think we were talking about something else?”

“N-N-No, of course not!” Iron chuckled nervously. “I really do have to get back to training with Swift, so can we-”

“Nope. What did you think we were talking about, Iron?” I asked, pressuring her.

She ran a hand through her rather short mane and chuckled nervously. “Would you be upset if I thought you meant you were ‘creaming arse’ in a different way?”

I gasped. “Iron Hoof, we are brothers!”

“For shame, woman! To think I would sodomize my little Waxy-Maxy!” Will huffed.

“Waxy-Maxy?” I asked.

“You’re still pale as shit, mate.” He clarified.

“Go fuck yourself, pinkie.” I shot back.

Will’s ruddy cheeks stayed ruddy. “Bugger off you little shit.”

“This little shit will go deeper in your arse than you ever thought a guy could go.” I gave him a smile and a wink.

“I want you to dip the tip in my stomach acid, hot stuff.” Will winked back

Iron put the back of her hand to her forehead. “Dear Celestia, there’s two of him now!”

Will and I fist-bumped. “Oi, Iron, would you mind going a round with me or Will real quick? I either want to show him what the least experienced member of Adstus can do or I want to show off some of my own moves.”

Iron gave me a womanly look that was ruined by her masculinity. “Max, I highly doubt that me whooping your brother is going to show him anything other than dirt.”

Will scoffed. “What? You think you can take me just because you look like-” I clapped a hand over his mouth.

Iron levelled a steely glare at him. “I look like what?”

I shook my head. “No. Shut up, mate. Just stop right there and she’ll let you keep your teeth.”

Will removed my hand and gave me a look. “Since when do I not talk shit?”

“Since when do you attempt suicide without even writing a note?” I asked.

He blinked and looked to Iron, who was standing with her arms crossed, her face a little rosy. “Keep talking if you think you’re a brave enough stallion.”

Will looked at me and I shook my head. He looked back to Iron and said, “Let’s go, Butch. I can scrap just fine.”

Iron narrowed her eyes. “Max, what does ‘butch’ mean?”

“I’m not answering that.”

Will chuckled. “It means you look like a dude.”

Iron set her jaw and tilted her head toward some sparring guards. “Max can heal you, so don’t think you’re walking away from this without a few bad memories.”

“Iron, seriously, don’t break anything on purpose.” I requested.

“Buck that.” She snarled.

“Do I need to make it an order?” I said, my voice dipping.

She glanced at me. “... It won’t be a problem, boss.”

“Good. I would hate to have to shove my fist down your throat for taking it too far with an untrained civvy.”

Iron squeezed her biceps, clenching and unclenching the muscles before she turned suddenly and walked away. I socked Will one good time. “You fucking dumbarse. She’s going to wreck your shit until you’re out cold or I make her stop.”

Will rolled his eyes. “You act like I haven’t been in a hundred fights. Trust me, Max, I know what I’m doing.”

“Fucking better, mate. Iron isn’t the blind rage kinda girl you might think she is.”

“... Please don’t tell me she’s one of those placid kind of ragers.”

I sighed. “Just go and try not to let her grab you. She specializes in throws and joint locks, so expect her to go for one of those if you manage to hold out long enough.”

Will rubbed his head. “I kinda screwed the pooch, didn’t I?”

“Yup, sure did.”

Long story short, Iron wrecked Will after forty-five seconds of jabs. Will touched her twice with that damn hook of his, but neither were clean blows, and the third time he tried it, Iron caught his arm and dislocated his shoulder, which should have been covered under the spirit of ‘don’t break anything on purpose’. I couldn’t bitch at her since she didn’t break his arm, but I did have to put his shoulder back in and he bitched about that before I made him apologize to Iron for being a prick. She accepted it easily enough once Will explained that he’d just been trying to get under her skin so she’d lose her cool, but she warned him against taking shots at anyone else since she was actually one of the nicer instructors.

I introduced Will to Swift next and asked the pale orange dude for a three minute round so I could show my brother just what exactly was up. I’m not going to go into it because Swift and I were taking it easy, but Will was still fucking amazed by the way I moved and the general flexibility of my movements. He complimented my redirections and asked if I could show him how to be as efficient as I was, so I just plugged the knowledge into his mind and sparred with him for about thirty minutes until he ran out of petrol. He couldn’t use a lot of the techniques since he was brawler above all else, and brawlers tend to be somewhat shitty with proper stances and movement. Still, I added some decent moves to his arsenal, he just needed to get into a shape other than slightly round.

The next person I wanted Will to meet was Fancy, so I took him to his office and asked for a moment of his time. Fancy was happily finishing up with some paperwork and welcomed us in. “Max! We rarely have much time to do anything other than talk about business.”

I gave him a wry grin. “I know mate, but we’ve got jobs to do and they tend to keep us both pretty busy most of the time.”

Fancy gave me a look. “Like your little spell doesn’t help add more time to your day. I swear, sometimes being a Unicorn is only useful if you’re as strong as your sister.”

I chuckled. “Trixie isn’t all that powerful, she’s just efficient and creative. Twilight was way more powerful when she was still a Unicorn.”

“Brute force versus fine tuning.” Fancy snorted. “Don’t take offense to it, however. It’s just that Twilight tends to march to the beat of her own drum when the mood strikes her.”

“Don’t I know it.” I replied blandly. “You aren’t going to have to deal with her during estrus.”

Will gave me a funny look. “Isn’t that something animals go through?”

Fancy cut him a glare and I waved it aside. “Fancy, I’m being rude. This is my brother, Will. He’s visiting from Earth and I haven’t exactly told him everything about Equus or its inhabitants.”

Fancy lost some of the heat behind his gaze. “All’s forgiven, but you might want to watch that tongue of yours, old chap. Likening mares to animals is a faster way to get hurt than calling them nags.”

Will nodded. “I remember Twilight being pretty upset when Max said like, three different versions of that word. I never was as good at holding my tongue as Max, but I’ll try to keep the arseholery down to a minimum.”

My Guard Captain nodded. “It would serve you well. I don’t doubt that Max might take issue with you upsetting too many ponies.”

“Yeah, he’s always been pretty guarded about the people he’s loyal to. I doubt we’d be talking if he didn’t trust you with his life, to be honest.” Will subtly maneuvered the conversation.

Fancy gave him a little grin. “I believe you’re correct, though I must say that it’s quite flattering to be one of the few ponies who’ve seen a second Human on Equus.”

“Well, Twilight is showing his wife around town and I’m introducing Will to my people before we do the same thing. I’d be surprised if Twilight doesn’t come to see you here in a bit.” I said.

Will scoffed. “God, mate. It’s fucking weird to hear that you have ‘people’ now. I remember the time where the Stealy-Wheely Boys and me were the only people you had.”

“God that name was fucking stupid.” I shook my head as Fancy looked on in confusion. “To explain, the Stealy-Wheelies were a group of guys who usually stole shit fast and got out faster. I paid my way into the group and they got me a roof over my head and some food in my stomach for a cut out of whatever I stole. Conditions usually weren’t the best, but I had enough to stay warm and stay alive until Will and I struck it out on our own.”

“What happened when you two took up business for yourself?” Fancy inquired.

Will chuckled. “We ended up squatting in some house that hadn’t been claimed since the owner died. We had running water, heat, and electricity, and mate, it felt like we were living like kings. When my parents threw me out, I paid my way into Agnes, a slightly larger group of thieves than the Stealy-Wheelies. My old man taught me a lot about security and how to hook stuff up when he still gave a damn about me, so I had some pretty useful skills.”

“... I find it a little odd that I’m talking to two thieves. One is a respected member of royalty, savior of the world, and his bro-”

“Wait, what?” Will cut in.

Fancy gave him an odd look. “From where you stopped me, I’m assuming you didn’t know that Maximus saved Equus?”

Will stared at me and I looked away. “Oh yeah. Mighta forgot to mention that.”

“Mate!” He exclaimed.

Fancy chuckled. “I don’t know how Max was before he came to Equestria, but if he was then like he is now, you shouldn’t be surprised that he’s been so modest.”

“Max never really was one to tell people about the dirt he did, but how do you just gloss over saving the world!?” Will asked.

“By telling Twilight not to mention it. Duh.” I replied.

“Mate, seriously! How did you do it?”

I explained the situation and Will had to confirm with Fancy that everything I said was true. While Will was busy being staggered (again), I dragged him off to Fleur’s office and lead the way inside, telling her that I was going to be bringing my brother in to meet her. She was elated and rushed me to hurry up and show him to her so she could finally put a face to the name, and when he came in, Will was staggered again.

“Holy shite” He breathed.

“I know, right?” I muttered just loudly enough for him to hear. In an audible voice I said, “Fleur, this is my brother Will. Will, This is Fleur, one of my Operators, and yes, she’s as deadly as she is pretty. She’s also as smart as she is pretty, but then again, she’s a lot of things.” I flattered needlessly.

Fleur tittered and waved me off. “Oh hush, Max. I swear, every time you bring somepony else to meet me, you do your best to make me blush.”

Will did his best not to stare. “In fairness, a beautiful woman deserves meaningful words. I tell my wife that all the time.” You’re just saying that to remind yourself, mate.

Fleur gave him a pouty look for all of two seconds. “I suppose so, but when all a stallion appreciates is your beauty, you start to get a little irritated.”

“Which is why I tell my wife that she’s brilliant and funny as often as she shows either quality.” He said.

Fleur gave him a look. “Why do you keep emphasizing your wife?”

“So I don’t forget about the ring on my finger.” Will said bluntly.

My operator tilted her head. “I’m sure that fingering it would be a better reminder.”

I bit back a chuckle and I know Will swallowed some crass flirtations as he did just that. “You’re right. I think I’ll just… Finger the ring.”

Fleur gave him a wink. “Back door access is a special privilege.”

Will left the room while muttering “I’m-a-married-man-I’m-a-married-man-I’m-a-married-man-”

When he was out of the door, Fleur and I exchanged a look and a peck on the cheek before parting. Will was waiting outside the door, ready to get on with the tour. As we were walking along, he said, “For the love of all that is good in the world, tell me you shagged her, Max. Tell me that you’ve succeeded where I could never have hoped to prevail.”

I smirked at him. “Some of the best sex I’ve ever had, barring Twilight and an eldritch semi-god that I fucked as a woman.”

“Don’t you mean ‘Demigod’?” He asked, fist-bumping me.

“Nah, I meant ‘semi’. She’s not the daughter of a god or anything, and she’s not really one of them. She’s powerful as fuck though.”

“Is she as hot as Fleur was?”

“Hotter.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, I know.” I couldn’t wipe the shit-eating grin off of my face.

Will cuffed the back of my head. “Trade me you fucker!”

“Oi, it’s not like I can just go and give her the dick whenever I want. It has to be a threesome with my wife.”

Will swung again and I ducked this time. “Fucking fuck you, mate! You lucky son of a bitch!”

We laughed and I offered to show him my scrapbook of interesting things, so we alighted to my study and I opened the book to a random page before I realized that about half of the pictures in it were of me. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or be sick while Will was saying, “Who’s the tart in the majority of these? She’s not the prettiest, but she’s got a nice body.”

I flipped the book to the pages with Fleur on them and said, “You don’t want me to answer that one, mate.”

Max gave me a look and fucking froze. I’d changed my face, but not my voice. “... Mate.”

“Yeah, I forgot about the pictures of me.” I changed my face back.

“Do you think Bea would be mad if I fucked you?”

“Wanna show up with me on your arm and see what do? I’m pretty sure I can turn myself into a Pony.” I offered.

We both grinned and thus our prank was begun. Will helped me alter my face so I was as attractive as possible, though I made my color scheme to my own standards because Will sucks at picking colors. Seriously, if half of his wardrobe wasn’t black and white, it was neon or full of bright or gross colors that hurt normals people’s eyes to look at. When we’d been strolling during the day, I never went out with him unless he changed shirts, barring the times when all his black ones were dirty. Well, too dirty to wear, I should say. We were bachelors, alright? No parents to tell us what to do, no one to really tell us to stay on our hygiene… It was pretty funky until we started trying to pick up chicks, which is when we stopped spending money on the odd gram of nose candy and started putting it toward washing clothes so we could get laid.

God I miss coke.

Anyway, once I was dressed so that my unnecessarily large rack was bulging from my shirt and my skirt was so short I would flash everyone if I bent over, I turned Will and myself invisible and shifted us into Fluttershy’s cabin. It’s not like I planned to go there, I just wanted to go where Twilight was and she happened to be at Fluttershy’s. Once I lead Will to be directly in front of Twilight and Bea as they were sipping Fluttertea, we started the script as I dropped the invisibility.

“-ax! Bea’s gonna-” Will stopped short and stared at his wife as I clung to his arm, making my breasts pop out of my shirt even more than they already were. If I kept it up, I was sure that I could get a nip slip in somehow. “Oh hi, Bea. This is my friend Cobalt Coquette. I was just telling you about her- Er, I mean… The other way around. Definitely.”

Bea set her tea down and glared at me icily, to which I smiled and waved. “Hiya!” I said in my annoyingly vapid falsetto.

“Bitch, get off my man before I end you.” Bea said softly.

I hugged Will even tighter and got that nip to slip, just as planned. “ I don’t see your name on him.” I gave her a pouty look.

Bea started standing up from her seat and Twilight put a hand on her arm. “Beatrix, don’t do anything rash! I’m sure Cobalt is just a really friendly kind of mare!”

“I really am! I’d like to get to know you better too… Uh… What was your name again?” I asked, smiling like a fool.

Beatrix’s eye twitched and Will whispered, “Abort. Now.”

I changed back into my usual form and Twilight gave me an irritated look while Bea walked over before attempting to slap my shit. I swayed back and she tried to kick me in the shin, so I stepped out of the way, shoving Will so I could get some space and start wearing her out before she actually hurt someone. Bea started throwing real punches that I deflected with ease, and when she tried to kick me in the dick, it wasn’t hard to just hop backwards and continue leading her around in a circle. This went on for a few minutes while Bea just kept trying to silently beat me. When she stopped, I took one more step back.

“We good, Bea? Wasn’t trying to give you a conniption or anything like that, just trying to fuck around a little bit.” I said quietly.

Bea glared daggers at me. “Let me get one good hit in and we’ll be square.”

I sighed and stepped forward. She worked a hook into my liver and that sucked, but I’ve been hit harder by people who could aim better, so I wasn’t exactly phased. “Well ow.” I said, rubbing my side. It was more for show than for pain relief.

Twilight flashed me an approving smile while Will made a pained sound. “Ooh, been hit by that one a few too many times.”

Bea turned her gaze to him and he winced. “Get over here and take it like a man.”

“I could always stay over here and avoid it like a bitch. I like being a little bitch sometimes.” He replied.

I walked over to Fluttershy while Will and Bea were doing an awkward little dance around her little kitchenette. “So how’ve you been, Poppet?”

Fluttershy tore her eyes away from Bea and Will. “O-Oh, you know… Same stuff, different day.”

“I find that hard to believe. Have you tried that new position with Applejack yet, or are you still waiting for the right moment to ask?”

Twilight blushed along with Fluttershy, but the buttery mare still answered. “W-Well, n-no, but I will! It’s just not quite the r-right time yet...”

I put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “If it’s something you really want to try, then you should build your confidence. If it helps, you could write it down and give it to Applejack. I’ll draw up some diagrams if you’d like.”

Fluttershy gave me a heartfelt smile. “Would you m-mind too terribly?”

I gave her my usual lopsided grin and waved a hand over her table, the images in my mind finding themselves on paper. “No problem, Flutters.”

She put her hand on mine and I could practically feel her switch flip now that she wasn’t thinking about the two strangers in her home. “I think you’re just nice to me when you want to watch.”

“Maybe I’m always nice because I always want to watch?” I replied casually.

“Max, you know better!” Twilight chided.

I heard the sound of a fist being shoved into something fleshy and heard Will wheeze. “Fucking Christ, Bea! It was a joke!”

“You know I don’t like you hanging around floozies, and you had Max dressed up as the biggest bimbo in the country!” Bea snapped.

Twilight gave me a sour look and I returned it with a wink. “So my brother Will wanted to get some dick in Roxy.” I said loudly.

Twilight gaped, Fluttershy’s wings started twitching and expanding, and Bea was looking at me like she was ready to choke the words right out of my throat. “I beg your pardon, Max.”

“Roxy is female me.” I explained, grinning.

Bea looked at Will who’d gone from his usual pink to a shade of red that I thought only the magical Ponies could reach. “Mate! Did I seriously need to tell you to shut up about that!?”

“Sorry, I just felt so uncomfortable with you eyeing my privates that I needed to get it off of my chest to people I love and trust, yourself included. Will, when your dirty Human phallus began to become engorged-” Twilight silenced me with Magic.

“You are so done talking right now. Time out. No more. You’re so, so done, that I need to take you out of the oven and let you cool.” Twilight said, her face still rosy. Silly Twilight, watch this.

I erected a little standing speaker from thin air and made it start playing the most annoying, stupidest, possibly worst thing to come out of Asia since babymetal and and weeb trash music in general: PPAP, a.k.a Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.

I conjured up a pair of heavy-duty sound-cancelling headphones and activated my Magic Warping Field- Fuck. Well, I wrote it down… I guess it’s not too late to explain that it was the hidden power I got from God. Now that I don’t really have to worry about some pumped up chump reading over my shoulder learning about all my weapons, I feel like I should write down that the Magic Warping field was the topic of some omitted conversations awhile back and that it’s the reason Noir, Celestia, and Luna couldn’t stop me when I went on the rampage that killed me. The Magic Warping made it impossible for them to cast any spells or use their True Magic. It’s also a large part of why I was able to defeat Discord, at least, to my knowledge. I might have traded an entire set of powers that could’ve been more useful in general, but I always did feel for the dude from Black Clover when I used to read manga.

Look, I used to be a virgin too. I went through a phase, got out of it. Don’t judge me.

Anyway, the Magic Warping acts on an area of effect, so I turned up the volume on the speaker to mildly uncomfortable levels and stopped Twilight from casting any spells to protect her from the wrath of the absolute retardation that is PPAP. Sadly, my wife was born a lame-ass nerd and continues to pump nerd blood through her veins, so she bobbed her head along to the song while smiling, though she was giving me an odd look. Fluttershy was staring at me like I’d lost my mind while Will and Bea were both glaring at me like I’d insulted their firstborn. I gave them a little wave and I saw their mouths move, but I tapped my headphones and gave them the pettiest little grin I could manage. Will flipped me off, but Bea went over and tried to kick the speaker, only to find out that I’d changed the properties of the thing and made it bend like a pipe cleaner, though it was marginally more difficult to skew.

Bea tried her best to flatten the speaker, but it just wasn’t doing, and when she went to leave, I made sure the door was locked. She kept trying for about thirty seconds and then Fluttershy went over to try, but neither of them could get it to budge. Bea came over and started nagging at me or something. I don’t really know, I couldn’t hear and I didn’t ask later, but I do know that she hit me in the tender bits and that pissed me off a bit, so I made my speaker disappear and put my headphones on her head before making it play the worst song I’d ever heard, bar none. Billy Ray Cyrus committed a crime against music, and Bea committed a crime against my achy breaky bollocks, so I decided to try and achy break her mind.

I turned the volume up to the point where it wouldn’t damage her hearing unless I left it there for about six hours. I set the Magic to last five hours and fifty-five minutes before sending Bea back to England, making sure that she couldn’t get the headphones off by any earthly means. Once I’d done that, I shook a leg to see if I could make Ol’ Lefty stop aching so badly before realizing that I could just Magic the pain away like a normal god would do. I didn’t because it felt like some cheatsy bullshit, but trying to act like a normal mortal kinda sucks.

“Max, where did you send Beatrix?” Twilight asked with an annoyed tone.

“Back to her house. It’s not like I was just going to let her wander around Equestria or something like that.” I replied cheerily.

“I feel like you didn’t just make your headphones stick to her head.”

“Well, I may have put a song on that I thought she’d appreciate.” I smirked.

Will chuckled. “Please tell me it was nineties gangster rap. Bea hates rap.”

“It was from the nineties. Tell me, Will, what does Bea hate more than rednecks?”

“Mullets, though they usually come together.” Will said drily.

“Who is a redneck, has a mullet, and plays one of the shittiest kinds of music you’ve ever heard?” I asked, my smile wide.

“Blake Shelton?”

“While he makes some pretty rubbish music, he doesn’t make rubbish music like the guy I have in mind, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a mullet anymore.”

Will furrowed his brow for a moment before it hit him. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“She’s gonna kill you, mate. You’ve gotta go get those things off her head NOW.” Will warned.

“Nah.” I said flatly.

“... Your funeral, Max. How long do you plan on letting her listen to Achy Breaky Heart?”

“Close to six hours.”

He stared at me. “... I’m asking- No, I’m begging you right now, Max. As your brother, your friend, and the guy who has to go to bed with her tonight, don’t do that to me. Don’t push her to that point!”

“You know my policy on nutshots.” I replied easily.

“Fuuuck meee.” Will groaned.

Twilight gave me a look. “While I realize that you’re just retaliating because she actually did something physical to you, as your wife, I am asking you to not infuriate one of my friends.”

“You know my policy on nutshots too.”

Twilight looked to Will and shrugged. “I tried.”

“Barely! You purple little demon, you just wanna see me suffer!” My brother cried theatrically.

Twilight gave him a smile that was pretty common on my face. The shit-eating grin was real. “In fairness, you and Max make Bea and I suffer every time you open your mouths.”

I walked over to Twilight and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I love your evil streak sometimes. It just reminds me that you’re not always sweet and nice.”

She turned her head and narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you trying to say I’m not sweet and nice?”

“It’s usually your default, but then you go and start jamming fingers into my ribs, pinching me, shoving me, and generally just being abusive because you know I probably won’t do anything back.”

“... When you put it like that, I sound like a terrible wife.”

I opened my mouth to dig the hole deeper, but then I saw the look on Will’s face as he was waiting for company in his misery and thought better of it. “You make up for it by being the sweetest when you are sweet, being supportive, kind, compassionate, and understanding when the time comes. You do the emotional aspect very well, it’s just that you have some abusive tendencies to work out.”

Twilight wrung her hands like she usually did when she was feeling guilty. “... I suppose I could wear yellow a little less often. I mean, it’s been a couple of weeks and you’ve been really patient, even though I know you want to be more intimate after sunset.”

I pressed my cheek again hers and wrapped my arms around her. “Take your time, Cherry. I’m in no rush.”

Twilight hummed happily and I knew that the yellow streak was about to end, so I gave Will a smug smile. My brother, on the other hand, looked like I’d just peeled a lemon and told him it was and orange. “How? How does he make you go from being mad at him to you wanting to ‘be more intimate’!?” Will used his air quotes aggressively.

My wife put a hand on my arm and let her cheek rest against mine. “Well, I know Max isn’t perfect and that he doesn’t mean any harm. It really doesn't hurt that I give him arbitrary punishments for silly reasons and he just puts up with them because he loves me. I guess you could say that Max gives me a little trouble and I take away a lot, and I just don’t think that’s fair, though I’ve been trying to reel it in.”

“I don’t need a rundown on how you two work, I need him to teach me how to make Bea remember why she likes me!” Will exclaimed.

Fluttershy giggled and I shrugged. “If you want, I can go work my Magic and we’ll see if I can get her to calm down.”

“Please. I just saw you do nonmagical Magic and I still don’t understand, so I want another example. Teach me how, little brother.”

I went to let go of Twilight and she held onto my arm, holding me in place. “Max, were you just saying things to manipulate my emotions?”

“Well, I didn’t mean to start off by making you feel guilty, but as I was about to dig the hole deeper, I saw that Will was waiting for me to join him in the doghouse and I started questioning myself. I thought about how you must have been feeling and it’s not like I want you to feel bad, so I said some honest things to try and cheer you up. I didn’t try to influence your response, I was just trying to fix my mistake before I could make it worse.” I explained.

“So how would you have dug the hole deeper?” My wife asked.

“I would’ve listed off more ways that you punish me or started on some of the things that you do that hurt me emotionally.” I said carefully. “Again, it's not like I want you to feel bad, so-”

“Amour, what do I do to hurt you emotionally?” Twilight asked softly.

Fluttershy and Will looked away and I felt my face warm up. “I know we’re in the company of close friends that we’d trust with just about anything, but I don’t think now’s the time for it.”

“Just give me two things and I’ll let it go. Promise.”

I sighed. “... The few nights you kick me out of bed, you usually don’t tell me you love me and that hurts more than being tossed out of my own room.”

“I can fix that.” Twilight said resolutely.

I gave her a peck. “Please do.”

“What’s another thing?” She asked.

“Beginning your day by wearing yellow when I haven’t done anything worthy of mentioning twice in weeks. It’s kind of like killing my hope before it can even sprout.”

“Oh… I didn’t realize that you looked forward to it that much.”

“Like you said, it’s been awhile. I don’t really mind living without it though.”

I could feel Twilight warm up, specifically near her neck. “I guess I’ve been holding out on you without any real reason… I’m sorry, Amour, it’s just that by the end of the day, I don’t really want to do much more than cuddle and go to sleep most of the time, and it’s not like you try anything.”

“You’ve been wearing yellow.” I replied simply. “I accept that as a nonverbal ‘No’.”

“Oh…”

“Do you want me to disregard your clothing choice every once in awhile? You know I won’t go any further than you let me.”

Twilight moved my arms up so she could rest her chin on them. “I-I wouldn’t mind…”

I gave her cheek a little lick and she wiped my slobber off, rubbing it on my free cheek because she could. Fluttershy giggled and Will just shook his head. “Fucking Magic. It’s gotta be fucking Magic.”

“Mate, you’ve never been good with identifying with how other people feel. You’ve gotta learn how to open up enough to let her know how you’re feeling, show some vulnerability so she’s willing to trust you with her feelings. Hell, most of the time you just have to show that you’re actually interested instead of just acknowledging that you fucked up.” I kissed Twilight’s cheek again. “Mind if I let go now, Cherry?”

She sighed. “If you have to. Are we going to Earth?”

Fluttershy ‘eeped’ and blanched, so I let go of Twilight and asked, “Are you alright, Flutters? You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“Th-Thank you…” She said, her voice full of muted gratitude.

I gave her a gentle smile. “No problem. Maybe you could show Applejack your diagrams while you have time on your hands?”

She blushed and looked at her lap. “I-I will.”

“No, I’m Will, you’re Fluttershy.” My brother teased.

Fluttershy gave him a shy smile, hiding behind her hair. “Y-You’re a lot like Max…”

He gave her a silly look. “Well where do you think he got it from? He was all sensitive and tender like a little girl when I met him, but he got his toughness from his big brother!”

“You’re full o’ shit, mate.” I said, the Wiltshire showing in my voice.

“Bugger off and rot, Lizard Lips.” Will quipped.

“Aww come on! Will you ever let that one die?” I asked.

Twilight giggled. “Your lips do get kinda dry when it gets cold.”

“Then I’ll start using lip balm or something.” I muttered.

“Whi-pow! She’s gotcha wrapped around her finger, mate!” My brother jeered.

Twilight huffed. “Please. If Max really felt like it, he’d never have to deal with any kind of punishment and I probably wouldn’t even have yellow in my wardrobe. You’ve got the whole thing mixed up.”

Will gave her a strange look as Fluttershy was nodding. “That’s news to me.” I said.

My wife turned and gave me a look. “Like you can’t talk your way into my heart whenever you feel like it.”

“I really try not to. It makes me feel like a slimeball.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Which is why the girls and I keep telling Twilight that she got herself a good one. Everypony knows about how glib you can be if you want to, but you usually don’t bother trying to talk your way out of something if you don’t think it’s completely unjustified.”

Will scoffed. “It’d probably be the guilt that got him in the end. Max always did have the gift of gab when it comes to winning people over, but he could never use people without trying to pay them back somehow. Hell, I remember there was this one guy that Max juiced for food money during a con, and like, three months later, we ran into him on the street. We just got paid for a job and Max gave the guy his money back plus a little something for his trouble. Almost got his arse kicked until the guy realized that little bro here had money in his hand.”

Twilight ‘hmmed’. “I don’t know how I feel about that one. I mean, you stole a person’s money-”

“No, he didn’t steal it.” Will corrected. “Max conned it off of him. It was just a simple sleight-of-hand card game and the dumb fucker kept playing until he was out two hundred quid. It’s not like we rolled him or that he was a cherry-picked mark.”

“What does it mean to ‘roll’ someone? I’ve heard you say that before, but you never explained what it meant.” Twilight asked, directing the question toward me.

“Well, it usually means beating someone up for their cash or catching someone somewhere and snatching their purse or something. It’s usually violent, which is why I never did it.” I explained.

“Yeah, we were strollers, not rollers. We might’ve been thieves, but we weren’t goons.” Will said firmly.

“... I-Isn’t stealing st-still stealing?” Fluttershy stuttered.

Will shrugged. “Depends on who you ask. I guarantee you that most people would rather have me and Max sneak into their house and snatch a few baubles than get rolled. Sometimes you don’t just get robbed when you get rolled.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Wh-What do you mean?”

Will glanced at me and I shook my head subtly. “I wouldn’t think about it too hard. It’s not the nicest topic we could talk about.”

Twilight shivered. “Have either of you ever ‘rolled’ anyone?”

“Each other.” I said blandly.

“Yup.” Will said in the same tone.

Fluttershy and Twilight stared at us. “... What?”

We shrugged at the same time and answered at the same time, having heard this question a few times before. “It’s how we met.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Max! You said you guys just stole something back and forth until you agreed to split the pay for the job!”

“Yeah, we rolled each other every chance we got. I actually hit Will with a two by four once.” I said airily.

“I paid you back with that hook though.” Will grinned.

I rubbed the spot Bea had hit me. “Yeah, I remember. Arsehole.”

“You hit me with a fucking plank of wood!”

“I was scrawny as fuck! You barely even fumbled the swag!” I argued playfully.

“You’re full o’ shit! My back hurt for like, two days after that!”

“And I was pissing blood for three!”

“Dear Heavens, what kind of relationship do you two have!?” Twilight cried.

“A less abusive one than what you and Max got apparently.” Will said thoughtlessly.

I facepalmed as I felt Twilight’s energy dampen considerably. “He’s fucking with you, Twilight. It was said in poor taste, and it’s really not true.”

Will panicked when he realized that Twilight wasn’t laughing along with him. “Uh… You, Twi, I really wasn’t trying to say anything. I was just taking the piss with you is all.”

“... Right…” Twilight murmured.

I shot Will a dark look and he winced, so I started doing damage control times two. I stood behind Twilight and wrapped my arms around her again, holding her tight when she tried to make me let go of her. “Cherry, I would tell you if things got that bad, right? You know I wouldn’t let you compromise your morals like that without telling you about some concerns I would inevitably have-”

“I had to make you talk about the things I do that hurt you, and you only gave me two out of however many there could be.” Twilight said softly, her voice shaking.

I sighed inwardly, choosing my next words carefully. “I didn't say anything because-”

“Because you don’t want me to feel guilty…” She interrupted.

“Because if I had a real problem with it, it would’ve been addressed by now.”

“That’s not the kind of person you are, Max. We’ve been through this.” She sagged against me and I held her that much tighter.

I pressed my lips against the base of her neck, but before I could speak, she carried on. “I admit that there are nice things I do for you from time to time, but I feel like I spend a lot of time punishing you over inconsequential things.”

“It’s because you do.” Will said bluntly.

I was tempted to send him to the fucking Moon.

He carried on once he knew that he had Twilight’s attention. “Look, Purps, you know that there’s a problem. You know what that problem is. How are you gonna go about fixing it?” He asked, his voice soft, though firm.

Twilight looked up at him. “I-I don’t know…”

“I’ll tell you one way that you can fix it. Take a step back when Max does something stupid and ask yourself what it affects. If it does something other than irritate you for a couple of hours, then try and let it go. Another thing you could do is talk to Max about it since you know he’s going to listen because it’s YOU. Seriously, Max loves you more than he loves getting fucked in the arse, and that’s saying a lot.”

“Eat a dick, you fudge packer.” I sniped.

“Choke on your wife’s Princess parts.” Will shot back.

“Will!” Twilight chided. “That is both impossible and incredibly inappropriate!”

“Want to try testing that theory later?” I whispered in her ear.

Twilight’s heart beat picked up a bit and she squeezed my arm, flagging the end of my nearly month-long dry streak. With the prospects of sweet, sweet nonalcoholic wine shining on it the distance, I gave Will one last look before he rolled his eyes.

“Great. Now that we’ve got your wife out of her funk, can we go stop mine from losing her shit?” Will asked.

I blinked. “Oh yeah, she’s still being serenaded by America’s mulletastic sweetheart. Yeah, let’s get a move on. Fluttershy, thanks for hosting us. I know Humans are weird, tumultuous creatures, but at least you know that it’s not just me now.”

She tilted her head and thought about it for a second. “... A-Are all Humans like you three?”

“Nope, but there’s a lot of them that are. They lack the charm, though.” I gave her a roguish smile and a half-lidded look.

Fluttershy sent me an inconspicuous wink and pushed against her cheek with her tongue, the gesture being quite obvious to myself and Will. When she glanced at my brother to see if he’d seen it, he just gave her a knowing smile and she realized that she’d been caught outright. The look on her face made Will and I chuckle, although Twilight was a little lost since she hadn’t seen it in the first place. We left Fluttershy’s and headed toward Earth after a few goodbyes, and when we arrived in Will’s house, I shifted us to Bea’s location to find that she was half naked with her head in the tub, trying to kill my Magic headphones.

I waved my hand and the dreadful song played a few more notes as the headphones faded into the ether, leaving Bea with a wet head. “Oh my God. Oh my God… I’m never listening to country again! It just went on and on and on and on…” I use ellipses because Bea started muttering to herself, which was definitely worrying. I traded a look with Will and we both scratched our heads, but I figured that getting her dry would be the first order of business.

I pulled the girliest of the four towels hanging in the restroom and put it around Bea’s shoulders so her top bits were covered by more than just some plain livery, though I didn’t understand how her trousers had gotten wet too. It just wasn’t something I worried about as I was drying out her hair, and when I started to brush through it to prevent tangles, she stopped muttering to herself and gave me the oddest look I’d ever received from her.

“... Why are you touching my hair, Max?” She asked suspiciously.

“So it doesn’t tangle when it dries. I know it’s a bitch to comb through when you're dealing with knots-”

“I keep forgetting that you can turn into a girl.” Bea murmured.

“Sure can. I could turn you into a guy for a little bit if you want to try it.” I offered.

“I’m good. You know I’m going to fuck you up for making me listen to that God-awful American rubbish, right?”

“How about we talk instead?” I asked softly.

“No.”

“Either we talk like adults or I silence you with Magic and do all the talking myself. I’m tired of you hitting me for silly nonsense, and I believe-” Bea hit me in the dick.

Twilight teleported me out of the room before I could hit her back and came rushing to the living room to placate me. “Max, she’s just upset. It’s not personal-”

“It’s always fucking personal when you hit a man between the legs, Twilight.” I growled.

“I will bribe you so hard if you don’t go back in there and hurt Bea.”

“... How hard?”

“So hard.”

I looked at Twilight from the corner of my eye and licked my hand before offering it to her. She licked her own hand and we shook on it. “You’re fixing this one.”

“I was planning on it. Now you just have a seat while I go ‘tear Bea a new one’.” Twilight said, using air quotes.

“Please do.”

She nodded and trotted off to the bathroom. I listened as Twilight said, “Bea, that was totally uncalled for.”

“It was called for the moment that damn song started up for the third time. Do you know how loud that shit was, Twilight!?” Bea asked, frustrated.

“Like I give two fucks.” Twilight snarled. “Touch Max’s privates again and I’m freezing your hands.”

“... Magic really isn’t fair.” Bea muttered.

“You know what the sad part about that is, Bea? Max has more Magic than I do. He has more Magic than the top six strongest beings on the planet, and there aren’t many things stopping him from wiping you from existence and making your entire family forget you were ever even born. Think really hard about what a literal god can do to you before you lash out at him again.” Twilight said icily.

“He… He wouldn’t actually do that, would he?” Will asked quietly.

“Piss him off too many times and we’ll see. Trust me when I say that Max is at his most stable when he’s around me, but when I lose my temper, he loses his, and you’re really starting to piss me off with how often you hit him. There aren’t many things that would convince me to put my hands on another person, but hurting my Amour is number one on that list.” My dearest beloved stated. God, I love this woman. Thanks mate.

“... Message received, Twilight. I’ll think twice before I hit Max again.” Bea replied softly.

“It’s not just Max. Will isn’t going to say anything, but if he really is like Max, then it bothers him that you hit him all the time.” Twilight said gently.

I heard Will sigh. “Baby? Is that true?” Beatrix asked.

“Well… I only ever see you hitting me, so it kinda makes me feel like I’m the most despicable guy in your life…” Will said nervously. Dude, get in touch with your emotions sometime.

“Wow… That’s basically what Max said, almost word for word.” Twilight commented, shocked.

“Well, we get along well since we think along the same lines.”

There was a moment of silence that lasted for a good fifteen seconds. “Will? Can I ask you something?” Bea requested.

“Anything, Sugar.” He replied.

“... Is there anything else I do that makes you feel… Bad, I guess?”

I could practically feel Will’s discomfort from the living room. “... You call me a dumbarse pretty much every chance you get. I feel like you think I’m stupid.”

“Oh... I thought your skin was thicker than that.” Bea said, surprised.

“How would you feel if I called you a ‘cunt’ every day?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I’d be pissed, for one. I’m not terribly fond of that word in the first place.”

“I doubt Will appreciates being called a ‘dumbarse’, especially by the woman he married.” Twilight equated.

“Why don’t you let him speak for himself?” Bea snapped.

“Because he’s like Max. If you don’t ask him what’s wrong, there’s no way in Tartarus that he’s going to tell you. He’ll be honest with you when you do ask, but people like them don’t share their feeling like we do, Bea. They guard their secrets and hide how they feel because they’re scared of being hurt, and we hurt them so casually because we don't know that they're hurting. I’ve heard it a thousand times and I’m sure you’ve heard it just as much, but we have to be able to communicate with our men, to be able to make them feel like they’re safe with us and that we won’t judge them, otherwise they’ll just keep going and choke down whatever they’re feeling to save us from feeling guilty.” Twilight said calmly.

“... How do you know any of that is true?” Bea asked.

“I’ve talked to Max a few times about why he doesn’t tell me that I’m hurting him and that’s essentially what he told me, though it’s paired with some of my own observations and hypotheses.”

Bea sighed. “I think Will and I need to have a talk.”

“I think the same is true on my end. Maybe we should set up a schedule so we can make Will and Max talk about their feelings?”

Will and I both groaned, though I don’t know what the ladies’ reactions were. “I’m pretty sure I just heard Max groan from the living room.” Bea said.

“You did.” Twilight said drily. “You’re not getting out of this one, Amour.” She said at a slightly higher volume.

“I’ll sleep on the Moon if I have to.” I called back.

“... That’s not a real possibility, is it? Like, you weren’t being serious when you said Max was God, right?” Bea asked nervously.

“According to Max, there’s a difference between the gods plural and God singular. I just know that he’s ridiculously powerful and that his blood is gold now.” Twilight replied.

“... Fucking seriously!? How long has that been a thing!?” Will practically shouted.

“Sensitive ears, small space.” Twilight said irritably.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s been a couple of months, but-”

“Months?” Will and Bea asked together.

“... Yes? He asked me not to tell you and I’m pretty sure that this is why.” Twilight said, her voice full of worry.

Will made some kind of odd noise. “It’s… It’s just kinda staggering, Twi. I mean, my little brother is like Zeus or some shit…”

“I think Max has met Zeus. I don’t think he likes him much.” Twilight replied.

I got tired of them talking, so I shifted myself to the door and said, “Yeah, Zeus is a prick, but Hephaestus is cool. He’s the guy who gave me my left arm.”

Will stared at me. “How many of the gods have you met? What were they like?”

“Uh… Let’s see… I met Amaterasu, though she prefers ‘Ammy’ for some odd reason. I think I talked to Kali for a little bit, spoke with Odin, tried to make a deal with Athena and that almost got me killed for good. I’m pretty sure I saw Buddha since there was this one fat Asian dude, and some fucker with a hawk face. I think that was either Horus or Ra. Egyptian mythology is weird and convoluted.”

“Holy shit, mate…” Will murmured.

Bea looked at me blankly. “So you’re an actual god?”

“I do bleed ichor these days, and apparently I’m even harder to kill.” I shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want anyone worshipping me. Ever. Never happening, at least, not on my watch.”

“Humble god.” Bea muttered shortly before closing her eyes. “I punched a god in the dick. Does that make me a badass?”

“It doesn’t sound like it makes you the sharpest sphere in the cube.” Will said under his breath.

“Don’t mumble like a wanker.” Bea chastised.

“Yes mother.” He replied drily.

She cracked open one eye. “Do you ever want to get laid again?”

“Holding sex over my head like a carrot on a stick is a dick move, Bea.”

“Well if you’d stop pissing me off, you’d get the damned carrot.” She snapped.

“If you gave me the carrot, I’d stop pissing you off as often! We both get irritable when we’re not getting any.”

Twilight coughed. “I-I’m really not comfortable with this conversation, so I’m just gonna… Yeah…” She backed into me and I gave her a hug because I could.

Bea looked at us. “Why don't you ever hug me like that, Will?

“The last three times I tried, you either elbowed me or hit the Ol’ Chap for coming at you from behind.” He responded.

“Oh yeah. Don’t do that.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“Pissing me off again, Will.”

He just shook his head. “This is why we don’t talk about shit.”

She gave him a look. “Quit being so sensitive and man up. I didn’t marry you so I could talk about your feelings.”

“Do you realize how big of a fucking cunt you’re being right now?” I snapped.

Twilight started walking me back. “I’ll handle-”

“No, this bitch is fucking deriding my Goddamn brother right after you just got done
telling her that she’s been fucking with his head! What’s the fucking point of even being with Will if you don’t fucking care about him, Bea? What do you want from being with him?” I asked harshly.

Bea crossed her arms and glared at me. “How about you butt the fuck out of my business.”

“Will and Twilight hold your life in their hands right now, and I’m so ready to fucking end it.” I snarled.

She swallowed hard and stopped meeting my eyes. “Max, why don’t you take a breather?” My wife suggested.

“Why the fuck would I? This cunt only understands violence, so why shouldn’t I teach-”

“Touch her and I’ll come after you with everything I’ve got, mate.” Will said quietly. “You don’t have to love Bea. You don’t have to like her. The only thing I want you to do is respect that I love her and leave it at that.”

“Tch. It’s your life, mate.” I said, trying to let it go.

“That’s right.” Will said calmly. “I’ll spend it with whoever I choose, and I chose Bea.”

The woman in question cast a shame-filled glance at her husband. “... Thank you, Will.”

He looked at her. “Stop pissing Max off. I know you two don’t really get along, but I’m tired of seeing you two fight, and you can’t pretend like you’re not guilty of pulling some bullshit too.”

“... Right.” She said softly.

“... I think now would be a good time for us to go.” Twilight said after a few seconds of silence.

“Yeah. It’s time for that talk. See you guys next weekend, yeah?” Will asked.

“Sure thing, mate. We’ll smooth the rest of this out when our heads are cooler.” I said.

“I think that’s a good idea. You always were the smart one.” Will smirked.

I rolled my eyes. “Bullshit. You’re a tech wizard. I’m just clever.”

“Different strokes for different folks. Oh yeah, next time you should come as Roxy. We’ll bang, OK?”

“We’ll go on a manhunt shortly after.” I scoffed.

“... What are you two talking about?” Twilight asked, befuddled.

“It’s probably some stupid internet thing. You know these guys are major dorks, right?” Bea said, testing the waters.

“I know they are, but what are we?” My wife inquired.

“Sexy, intelligent, independant-” Bea began.

“Eeeh…” Twilight ‘said’. “Max and I are kind of co-dependant. He starts going crazy if he’s away from me too long and I start getting mean and sad. We can’t really stay apart for much more than a few days. After Max picked me, we rarely went more than two or three days without seeing each other.”

Bea and Will stared at me, looking for an answer. “Don’t look at me, she said it. It’s the truth.”

“... So how crazy do you get?” Will asked.

“I start getting stone-cold. I call Twilight my heart for a reason.” I pursed my lips to the side.

“... I can’t imagine being like that with someone. Don't’ get me wrong, it’s… Well, It’s more scary than it is romantic, to be honest with you. What happens if you two fight and don’t want to see each other for days?” Bea asked.

Twilight and I looked at each other. “Uh…” I said eloquently.

“I…” Twilight tried.

“The thing is, I don’t think we’ve ever stayed mad at each other for more than three or four days, if that. When it comes to us, we don’t like letting things get in the way of what we want, and I know that what I want most in the world is to see Twilight smile because of something I did or said.” I started strong and ended softly as my blush grew. I don’t know why I said the last part, but I suppose I thought it was something I wanted Twilight to hear. It’s not like it wasn’t true, it was just embarrassing.

Twilight beamed and gave me a quick smooch. “I just want to see Max happy. There have been far too many days where I’ve seen him ready to throw it all away for me to want anything else.”

The Hoomuns stared at us for a little while, making Twilight and I uncomfortable. Will shook his head after some time and asked, “So is that all you guys want? To see each other happy? You don’t wanna have kids or grow old together or anything like that?”

Twilight retreated into my arms and I held her for a bit. “The thing is, I don't know if I’m still sterile. Chief Graham fucked my biology all the way up, and then Dark Magic made me double sterile, and then dying multiple times made me like, quadruple sterile. I might be good to go now that I’m not Hu- man… Oh yeah.”

Twilight squeezed my arms. “It’s okay, Max. It doesn’t matter what you are, it’s the who that counts, and you’re still my sweet, irritating Amour, no matter what.”

Will nodded sharply. “Damn straight. I don’t give a fuck if you turn into some dog-beast Kobold or something; you’re still my brother.”

I raised a brow at that. “I’d say the same about you, but you already look like a shaved gorilla. I think it’d mean less coming from me since I already accept your ugly arse.”

“Thanks mate, way to return the favour after I try to be nice for once.” Will said sarcastically.

“Since when are we all nicey-nice to each other? It’s not Max and Kaid if we’re not taking the piss and having a giggle about it.” I gave him a lopsided grin.

He tilted his head, acknowledging the troof. “Fair enough. Are you guys still leaving sometime today, or are we just going to keep talking?”

I checked my pocket watch and Twilight had a look. “Well, it’s not like we don’t have time to bug you.” She said playfully.

“Speaking of bugging people, bugger off, Purps.” Bea said with a wry grin.

Twilight huffed. “Isn’t it racist to call someone by the color of their skin here?”

“Yeah, but we don’t know what color your skin is.” Will replied cheekily. “Your fur is purple and it’s not racist to call people by the color of their hair and/or hair-like follicles. I get called a ginger all the time, after all.”

“Soulless bastard.” I quipped.

Twilight twisted in my arms. “That was not nice, Max.”

“Relax, Twi. It’s like, one of the most common jokes about gingers that’ve ever been told.” Will chuckled.

Bea scoffed. “You’re not even a real ginger. Your hair just looks red because you’re Irish as fuck and you keep your hair cut so low. I’m pretty sure you’re actually more of a dirty blonde.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m ever going to let my hair grow long enough to find out.” Will said.

“Skinhead.” Bea replied.

“Hothead.” Will countered.

“I was totally going to give you some tonight. It was a one-hundred percent thing.”

Will groaned. “Again with the carrot and the stick?”

Bea went to punch his arm, but ended up just pushing him with her fist. “I want the carrot too, Will. I just feel like it should be a reward.” It’s a reward for putting up with your irritable arse all the time.

Will gave her a look and she nodded. “I’ll lower the bar. It HAS been awhile.”

“Two months, two weeks, two days, and,” Will checked his phone. “Huh. Two hours. That’s weird.”

“Blame it on my godly presence. Or don’t. Either way, we’re going to leave and I’m snuggling Twilight like she’s an anime body pillow and I’m a lifelong virgin.” I declared.

“At least it’s not some show for little girls, man. There have been cringe comps all over the internet about these fucking weirdos who wank off to cartoon horses.” Will shook his head, making a face.

“Mate. Weird.” I said.

“You’re telling me. I saw this one picture where some guy edited in a vector of an orange one with apples on its arse, bending over in front of him. Dude said something like it was ‘teasing’ him.”

I blinked. “The crazy thing is that I actually know and orange Pony with apples on her arse. Her name is Applejack.”

Will’s eyes widened before he fucking died then and there, laughing his arse off. “You! You're a fucking BRONY!”

“I don’t even know what that is, Will.”

He laughed for a good couple of minutes before I just took Twilight and left. I still don’t know what the fuck a brony is, but if they’re dudes who bop the bologna to cartoon horses, I don’t think I want to. I remember my trips with the little alcohol snakes, and if the hallucinations I had were anything like what Will was describing, then I just don’t understand how a person could feel sexual attraction to that. It might just be me, or maybe some fuckers are so desperate for a taste of a female that they’ll settle for animals. Yeah, I might be married to a different species entirely, but at least she’s bipedal!

Now that I’ve gotten that over with, I think I’ll take a break and grab some tea or something before I move on to Nightmare Night. Fuck yeah, sounds like a good idea.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I think I might have mentioned it before, but the last time I was present in Equestria for Nightmare Night, I was most likely drinking away my problems. Now that I was considerably less drunk on a day to day basis, I actually had some time to get into the spirit of things, and I was actually getting a little hyped up for Nightmare Night. I wanted to take the name of the holiday as literally as possible and scare the shit out of people in the most non-intrusive way I could, and I’d been thinking of all sorts of horrifying, yet trauma-free things that would get people’s heart pumping and their Fight or Flight responses kickstarted and raring to go. Twilight and I actually sat down and had a conversation over breakfast the day after we brought Will and Bea to Equestria about what we were going to do to celebrate and Twilight suggested that we both dress up and have a Nightmare Night party for the Castle staff and guards. I was totally down for it and agreed to help prepare for it, but I had to pitch my idea to Twilight since I was running out of time to get things set up.

After I agreed to help Twilight organize the party, I said, “Oi, Cher~ry.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes and the corner of her mouth twitched. “You’re up to something.”

“Whaaat? No, me? I just want to celebrate Luna’s thing with a little twist of my own.” I gave her a winsome smile.

My wife lifted a brow and gave me a longsuffering smile. “You want to go around scaring foals, don’t you?”

I gave her a look. “Hell no. I don’t like kids, Twilight.”

“That’s why I thought you’d want to scare them.” She said, mildly surprised.

“Nah, you’ve got me all wrong. I avoid anyone younger than twelve with a vengeance because they’re annoying, but that’s beside the point because most people under the age of eighteen are annoying. What I want to do is make a part of the Castle into a haunted house!” I tried my most winning smile.

Twilight tilted her head and pursed her lips. “I don’t see where the problem could be. Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because I want to get started before the last possible minute. I figured if I could get you on board, then I could use you and the girls to gauge just how scary my haunted house is.”

“... Now that I think about it, going through a haunted house full of things you find scary terrifies me. Not doing it, just the thought alone.”

I pouted because reasons. “Aw come on, Cherry! Nothing I have planned should make you do much more than jump, jolt, or jitter.”

Twilight mulled that over for a few seconds. “Look, Max. I know you’re excited, but do you really think you can accurately predict how Ponies are going to react to being scared? Because we’re kind of a skittish race, in all honesty. Ponies don’t like being scared most of the time.”

“Then I’ll put up a sign and say it’s for the bravest of the brave or something. We don’t have to let just any random citizen come in, though that would make me pretty psyched. We could keep it to guards and staff members and see if they like what goes on, then we open it up to the public. What do you say, my courageous little Princess?” I tried a more muted smile this time, hoping to win her over with subtlety.

The look on Twilight’s face told me that she still needed some convincing, even before she said, “I don’t want you possibly scarring our employees either, Max. I honestly think that you’re going to end up doing more harm than good by accident, even if you keep things ‘tame’.”

“Just let me borrow a hall on Floor ‘L’ and I’ll even walk you through my haunted house so you can see for yourself that it’s not that bad.” I offered.

“I don’t like being scared.”

“Don’t be pusillanimous, Twilight.” In other words, don’t be a pussy.

She furrowed her brow. “Is that a Human word?”

“I dunno. I found it in a dictionary, researched the etymology, and I like it. It’s actually the reason Humans call each other ‘pussies’ when we’re acting fearful. It’s an abbreviation of pusillanimous, and not referencing genitals or cats.”

“I swear, if you ever call my Cupcake Castle that, you’re going a week without getting so much as a favour.”

“I hate using ugly words like that to describe private areas, Twilight. You’ve read my journals. I use that word as an insult, and I generally refuse to use anything other than innocuous synonyms or nouns with sultry insinuations that you’d find decent writers using to describe genitals.”

Twilight nodded. “I like Cupcake Castle. It makes me feel sweet.”

“You are sweet. Literally and figuratively.”

She blushed and gave me a look before I added. “Speaking of sweet, can I have a kiss once we’re finished with this? We only shared one after coffee and that’s just not enough for me to last until we get to see each other again.”

My change in tactics worked well. “Of course, Amour, though it’s not like you’re going to stop popping in throughout the day to get another one whenever you feel like it… Are you?”

I looked at her like she was crazy. “Cherry, I need at least three kisses to get through the first half of my paperwork, and after that I’m running on affection fumes.”

“Oh my gosh, are you trying to give me a sugar rush or something? You’re being so incredibly cute, I can’t stand it!” She tittered and beamed at me.

“If I get any cuter, I might have a hope of catching a glimpse of your level. She’s so high, high above me, she’s so lovely~” I sang.

Twilight blushed and waved my words aside. “You say that like you’re not more attractive than I am on a daily basis.”

“I take personal offense to that.” I pretended to be upset. “My Cherry is the prettiest little plum on the planet, and no one can tell me any different. Not even you!”

“What if I said I was average looking?” She asked playfully.

“I would have to kiss you until you started feeling prettier, thus making yourself prettier by Max logic.”

Twilight looked off for a moment before looking back to me. “Are you saying you find my lack of self-esteem unattractive?”

“No, I’m saying the more confidence you have in yourself, the more you’ll shine like you deserve to. I’ve told you far too many times that you’re easily the most beautiful woman on Equus, but you still won’t believe me even though you know I won’t lie to you!”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Amour, and this beholder doesn't see much beauty in the mirror.” Twilight gave me a wry smile.

I levelled a real glare at her. “Are you trying to say I have bad taste?”

“If the shoe fits…” She shrugged.

I narrowed my eyes. “I don't like your words. Take them back.”

“I’m just being honest with myself, Max. It’s nothing to get upset over.”

“It’s plenty to get upset over because I feel like you’re not listening to me. You are magnificent, Twilight Sparkle, and I will make you realize that.”

She brushed a lock of hair from her face, looking at the table. “Just because I know other people don’t find me as pretty as Cadance or Celestia doesn’t mean I don’t think that your opinion matters more than theirs. There was a double negative in there, but my point is that as long as you think I’m attractive, I don’t care what other people think.”

I stood up and walked to her side of the table, squatting down so I could look up at her for a change of pace. “Twilight, what other people think of your looks doesn’t matter to me unless they hurt your feelings over it. I want you to know that you’re beautiful.”

My wife folded her hands, cosseting her wedding and engagement rings. “... I don’t think that’s going to happen, Amour.”

“I do, and I’m right. I’ll tell you that you’re beautiful every morning from now on, and I want you to do one small thing for me. Just three words in the mirror when you’re brushing your mane.”

Twilight looked at me. “What are the words?”

“‘I am beautiful.’ I want you to tell yourself that, Twilight.”

Her eyes glimmered and her lips quivered. “I-I can’t lie to myself like that...”

“A wise woman once told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I want this beholder to finally see true beauty. Even if you don’t believe it now, I still want you to do that one little favour for me.”

Twilight swallowed hard. “B-But Max-”

“No buts. I rarely ask anything of you, Twilight. Please just grant me this one little thing. Please.”

“I-I a-a-am b-be-beaut-iful.” She stammered, tears nearly falling from her eyes.

That earned my warmest, most genuine smile. “Yes you are, Cherry. Yes you are.” I rose to stand behind her so I could reward her with some affection and she sniffled a few times.

“I-I didn’t expect it to be that hard…” She said shakily.

“It’ll get easier, my love. I promise you that.” I held her close for a few minutes, eating up my meal time.

We parted ways and I could tell that Twilight was still feeling off-kilter about finally saying something about her own attractiveness. I knew that her self-esteem issues ran deep, so I wasn’t going to push her to do anything drastic quite yet, but I hoped that Twilight would be ready to end her morning routine with some positive, esteem-boosting energy that would hopefully help her start gaining confidence in herself down the road. While I understand that it’s significantly easier to tell the truth to someone other than yourself, I couldn’t let Twilight continue on as she was without emboldening her a little further. I can’t lie and say that I don't find self-confidence extremely attractive in all the right ways, but I wasn’t doing it so I would like Twilight better because that’s stupid. I can’t fathom loving her any more than I already do, but I want her to thrive and grow as a person so I can tell her that I’m proud of her for yet another accomplishment. Again, it’s not for my own satisfaction, but for the sake of my lover’s self-image.

I was a bit distracted while I toiled away at my paperwork, my version of Study Buddy Brain clocking into overdrive while I went on auto-pilot, lost in my thoughts. I sent notes to Twilight periodically, calling her my Angel from on high, my guiding light, and the foundation for the good that’s starting to grow inside of me once more. I decorated my notes with Magic, painting pictures of moments that I’d shared with Twilight, like the time I gave her the first present I’d ever given her (the agate ring), when I asked her to marry me, the moment she stopped me from leaving the Treebrary after the first time I talked about what Graham did to me, the moment before we consummated our love (while we were clothed), and the kiss at our wedding. I don’t know why, but I was feeling the love extra hard that day and I wanted Twilight to feel it with me.

Now that I think about it, I might’ve been trying to make sure that Twilight knew I appreciated what she did for me and Will. When she explained how we are to Bea, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I knew that Bea would most likely work with the information her own way and get Will to open up a bit and release some of his own pain. As she’d done a few times before, Twilight had acted as the catalyst for change in the best of ways, reaching someone who I just couldn’t communicate with. That may not be the real cause of why I was showering Twilight with my special brand of smother-love, but when Twilight teleported into my office, it’s not like I needed a reason to keep it up.

Twilight hugged me, bawling her eyes out. “Oh Amour! We’ve had our ups and downs, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Please never forget that!” She said as she wept, giving me extra impetus to keep up the flow.

“Twilight Sparkle, I’ve told you many times that you are my heart, my reason to be here, my reason to stay a decent path. You mean so much more to me than anything or anyone else on Earth or Equus.” I said tenderly. “If that doesn't tell you that you’re the best anything I’ve ever had in my twenty-one years, and will hopefully have in the thousands to come, then I don’t know how else to tell you. I love you Twilight. I love you from the deepest depths to the shallowest shoals.”

She gave me a wavering smile that was soon accompanied by a kiss, which was followed by sweet nothings that ranged from tame to intimate. We didn’t have much time, but we shared the moment for as long as we could anyway and promised to reconvene once we’d had our business done for the day. If that didn’t light a fire under my arse, I don’t know what the fuck could have. I just wanted to be around Twilight, to let her know how much she meant to me, and to get some more love and affection while the getting was good and mushy. Needless to say, I cheated even harder than usual to get my paperwork done, splitting my focus into the three paths while using Magic to give me a third eye so I could triple my work speed. I have to say, trying that while I was still just an Alicorn probably would have broken me for a little bit until I could patch my mind up enough to function, but with the mental flexibility that came from being a little bat-shit crazy and being a god, I was good to go.

My shit was done within the hour, so I alighted to the Court Hall via shifting and let myself out without talking to Twilight. I passed a few plaintiffs on my way in that were looking for a hearing, so I started at the back of the line and worked my way up. I’d gotten through about half of Twilight’s total line when we ran out of people, and I assumed that we’d burned through the line so quickly because we were trying to hurry up and get to the good part of our day as soon as possible.

When I came back into the Court Hall, Twilight was standing in the middle of the room, dozens of papers and fountain pens dancing to a silent song as Twilight whirled about, flinging her hands as if she were conducting the orchestra herself. It was probably one of the most graceful things I’d ever seen her do, and I couldn’t stop thinking how fucking hot that shit was. Seeing my wife at work was getting me warmed up for some intense and passionate snuggling, but the ‘dance’ ended all too soon for my tastes. Shortly after Twilight let her arms fall, the papers whirled around and organized themselves into a neat little stack on her throne. I had to give her a round of applause for the show.

Twilight jumped at the sound of my soft clapping, but when she saw me grinning, she blushed and did a little curtsy before giggling. “Did you enjoy Twilight’s One Mare Show?”

“It was spectacular! I didn’t know you could move like that!” I praised.

She curled a lock of her mane bashfully. “Would you care to dance for a little bit? I think I still have some rhythm that’s trying to work its way out.”

I shifted right on over and conjured up a speaker, Frank Sinatra’s Five Minutes More beginning its jaunty little melody as I took Twilight in my arms and prayed that my own five minutes would last forever more. We sashayed around the Court Hall as the song played out, and when the final notes rang out, Too Marvelous For Words was the next on my list. I have to say, Frank Sinatra knew how to sing a fucking love song, and Twilight was in love with the big band stylings and upbeat musicality. We danced to a few more songs, losing ourselves in the glory of the moment. I had to make Magic Moments the final song of the hour since it’s my personal favourite out of Sinatra’s expansive collection. Instead of tapping along, trying not to get stepped on, Twilight and I slowed it down for a little bit and rocked back and forth while the guards and our soon-to-be retired steward watched on. I’m sure they thought it was sweet or something, but I didn’t care what they thought. The woman in my arms had my undivided attention while songs were playing, and there was precious little that could have convinced me to tear myself away from the moment.

Twilight delegated any further matters to the steward, who told us that he would have any latecomers hold off until tomorrow, meaning that Twilight and I were about to have another day off all to ourselves. I had to let Fancy and Onyx know that they were going to be running my end of business, so I saved myself some time and just sent them both a note, apologizing for the inconvenience while not giving a fuck about their responses. All they were going to have to do was keep an eye on training stuff and if worse came to worst, they might have a dozen extra pieces of paperwork to fill out, which shouldn’t take much more than a minute apiece. Again, it’s not like I was leaving them with extra work, I just needed to have someone in charge while I was off with Twilight.

We decided to go to town and have a walk through Ponyville Park since the weather was nice for the time of year, and the trees were all a little late in losing their leaves, making it even more worthwhile to go see the sights. After a quick shift back to our personal chambers, Twilight and I were dressed for a decent breeze. I’d chosen to go with a navy blue button-up that I was rather fond of and threw my old faithful charcoal grey jacket over it to complete my muted ensemble while Twilight went with a cozy-looking cream coloured knit jumper and some denim trousers, much like myself. Well, her arse looked better than mine in the pair she was wearing, but I’m not a fan of man-bum or man-buns anyway. Half of that was irrelevant, but I digress.

I convinced Twilight to take the long way down from floor ‘A’ to floor ‘J’, though when we got down to ‘F’, she told me that we were either teleporting or I was going to have to carry her. I opted to teleport and made her do it since I was fine to keep walking just because I can’t be nice for an entire day, but when I mentioned that fact, Twilight told me that I’d been too sweet to sour the mood by something as silly as letting her do the teleporting for once. I had to give it to her since I shifted us pretty much everywhere these days unless we were spending our time apart.

We left from the Castle and meandered our way to town, telling people to cease their bowing as we passed and generally trying to put people at ease. I couldn’t stop the satisfied grin from creeping its way onto my face when it so chose, but I noticed that Twilight was having the same ‘problem’ every time I mentioned how adorable she looked in her slightly oversized jumper, or that her mane looked perfect despite the mild breeze blowing, but she usually smiled the brightest when I made a comment on her stunning aesthetics.

I held Twilight’s hand as we strolled through town and into the park, only letting go once so I could stop her and pull her in for a hug since I felt like it. Twilight happily obliged, and we continued on toward the park where we got started on our walk. It was a nice little go ‘round that was over far too quickly, so I asked Twilight if she would mind another circuit and she agreed without pause for consideration. We just enjoyed the time together up until we ran into Applejack and Fluttershy, though I suppose the way I worded that makes it sound like they ruined our good time. If anything, the exact opposite was true since seeing them meant that Twilight and I got to stop and talk to people who weren’t bowing and scraping or generally acting like they felt like we were superior. I know it bothers Twilight enough as is, but it actually makes my heart ache a little when I see people bowing. A great example of the lengths I go to so no one bows around me would be the fact that my employees, the ones who follow my rules and regulations, all salute by placing their right fist over their chest. Some people still give a nod deeper than necessary, but I deal with that since it’s not a full on bow. I know it’s just semantics up to a certain point, but it matters to me.

In any case, after exchanging some typical pleasantries, Applejack said, “So Flutters and I got some interestin’ news if y’all care to hear it.” She said with a smile.

“What, are you two finally making it official?” I asked hopefully.

Twilight squeezed my hand in excitement. “Oh, please say yes!”

Applejack and Fluttershy both chuckled, though AJ was the one to carry on. “Well, somethin’ like that.”

“What do you mean?” My wife inquired.

Applejack looked to Fluttershy and the yellow mare made an adorable ‘squee’. “W-Well, Applejack and I have decided that we’re a package deal. We both want to find a stallion, but neither of us wants what we have to end.”

“So you’re making it official.” I repeated with a grin.

Applejack gave me a harmless look. “If that’s how ya wanna put it, then yeah.”

Twilight let go of me to rush Applejack like the wild animal she is while I went over to give Fluttershy a more sedate hug. We traded partners after a moment and that was pretty much it for important news. It was nice to see that they were finally going to stop trying to hide their relationship, though I knew that Applejack was going to have a time of it when it came to dealing with Macintosh. It wasn’t my problem to worry about per se, but I did tell her that I would back her if she ever needed it while we were hugging. Twilight and Fluttershy didn’t quite hear our mini-conversation and it doesn’t really bear repeating, so I’m carrying on with my perfect day.

I asked my wife if she wanted to take a walk in a different venue and she happily agreed, so we headed to the Whitetail Woods to stroll the trails and maybe see some of the deer that lived there. They tended to be pretty friendly and would actually have a conversation with someone unlike their Kendani counterparts in the Everfree. Their friendliness is one of the reasons I don’t go hunting in the Whitetail Woods, but the other one is that I don’t want to eat anything that can think for itself and make informed decisions. Even if they do look like some tasty mother fuckers.

We took our time going down various winding paths in the daylight, savouring the crisp autumn air in a more natural setting, though it’s not like Ponyville has an air pollution problem or anything. It’s just that the town is full of different smells, and my senses like to take a break every now and again, which is why I keep my study lightly scented with teakwood. It’s not terribly overpowering, and Twilight is pretty fond of the smell, so it’s the one I find myself using most often. Being out and away from the general olfactory overload that is Ponyville is always nice, but it’s even nicer when I get a chance to enjoy nature with my cherished Cherry.

After spending a few hours doing little more than flirting back and forth, Twilight and I went home so we could watch a movie and I let her pick one out that she thought she might like. She fucked up and went with The Conjuring since she thought it was about Magic, and I even tried to warn her that it was a scary movie, but she said that she would feel safe enough if I held her through the spooky bits. I had absolutely no problem with that, though I did remind Twilight of our earlier conversation about my haunted house and she said that watching something scary and having to experience something scary were just two different things. I called her my own little ponified version of Courage the Cowardly Dog and she almost took offense to that until I explained that he was actually quite brave and would do almost anything to save his loving master, hence his catchphrase.

The movie was forestalled by Twilight getting all adorably cutesy by asking what kinds of things I would do for love. With the added amendment that I wasn’t allowed to use my full strength to handle whatever she threw at me, Twilight asked if I would face a Manticore barehanded, attend one of Pinkie’s parties for more than the two hours I usually gave them, listen to Rarity talk about pretty much anything she was particularly interested in, go through Boot Camp again, stay abstinent for ten years, and other such things that I answered ‘Yes’ to. I didn’t need to think about it to know that I would rise to any challenge if it meant keeping my Twilight around, and I may or may not have gotten a favour for reinforcing my devotion. D’vocean is a damn good song, and I played it for Twilight before we got the movie started, though she didn’t like it at all. I told her to ignore the lyrics and take it at face value, but Ponies tend to listen intently to the meaning behind songs, which is why I can’t play my favourite songs by Delta Sleep for her, along with anything by Dirty Projectors or some of Glass Animal’s stuff. It sucks, but I still have plenty of things to play for her. I’m nothing if not musically diverse, even if my tastes push me towards being some hipster shithead.

Once we actually got to watching it, I remembered why I wasn’t terribly fond of haunted house style movies, and that’s because I wouldn’t fucking hesitate to just up and go if I thought some demonic shit was going on. Just bought the house? Like I give a fuck. Sank my entire life savings into it? My life is more important. It’s perfect other than the ghosts? Nah mate, you got me some kind of fucked up if you think I care about amenities when my life is in mortal peril. Twilight, on the other hand, was clinging onto me for dear life like there were demons in the room waiting to get a taste of her sweet brown cherry. It was so hard to not fuck with her while I could, but I knew that Twilight was already having a bit of a bad time, so I just held her close and kept her calm during the more suspenseful bits. I wasn’t really phased because, let’s face it, I’ve been through far worse shit than being killed by ghosts. I’ve literally been to fucking Hell. A fucking movie isn’t about to scare my happy arse unless it’s Birdemic.

I don’t like birds. Small ones are cool. I don’t give a shit about small ones. When you start getting up to the hawks and falcons, however, I’m fucking gone. The Watcher was fucking terrifying, but he could talk. The Roc that carried me to The Watcher was fucking terrifying, but it didn’t really feel like a bird to me, for some odd reason. However, I almost killed one of Fluttershy’s owls one night while I was taking a walk around Ponyville because it thought I was alright with it landing on me. It thought wrong. No one knows that I hate birds, but I sure as fuck do, and the reasoning behind it is the same as most phobias; childhood trauma. To explain, back when I was maybe five or six, my Dad took me to London so we could walk around Battersea Park with one of his old secondary school buddies. My Mum was still pretty normal at that point, if I’m not mistaken, but little did she know that giving a five year old a fucking half-kilo of bird feed in the middle of Pigeon Hell was a bad idea. I spent maybe two minutes feeding the birds before they fucking swarmed me when I’d strayed a bit too far from my parents, making me spill the feed all over myself in panic and incensing more of them to come peck at poke at me with their horrid little beaks, staring at me with those soulless fucking eyes, scratching at my skin with their oddly sharp talons. It took three minutes for my parents to realize that I was under the mass of birds since I was too terrified to speak, but those three minutes were more than enough to scar me for life.

Seriously though: Fuck birds.

The reason I’m mentioning birds is because after the movie was over, Twilight wanted to get out of Castle Arcadia for a little bit, so we went to the Canterlot Castle Gardens and spent some time walking around and enjoying the flora and fauna. I was having a pretty good time up until Celestia’s Goddamn Phoenix tried to land on me, making me flip the fuck out and shift all over the place uncontrollably for a good minute or two. The damn thing avoided me after that, but I was ready to send a fucking message if I had to. Twilight decided that it was time to go after that, so we went back home for a nice afternoon with tea, books, and cuddling. My Gryphonian philosophy books were absolutely fascinating, documenting moral struggles such as how to properly honor a fallen opponent, whether or not killing is necessary in a duel, how you should act if your life is spared by another, and basically how to get revenge if you feel particularly slighted. I wasn’t going to base any of my own morals on the books because some of the shit was written by a legitimate psychopath, but it was still an interesting read.

Twilight and I traded little smooches and pecks for awhile, often caressing each other in just the right way to sweeten the moment because we just knew what we liked that well. Much to my surprise, Twilight started going for my erogenous zones when she started nearing the end of her book, so I returned the favour by giving up on my own reading entirely and started rubbing her ears. My wife responded to my ministrations rather well, getting more bold with her own advances up until she asked if I would mind giving her some ‘snacks’. I complied happily without thinking about it too hard, but Twilight wanted a lot of ‘snacks’, going so far as to ask for more three times. That burned up five or so hours, making our perfect day dip into a perfect night. No one had to sleep in a wet spot- the ‘crumbs’ of our ‘snacks’, so that was nice.

The day ended without a serious event and we both got to be as happy as we wanted. It really was as close to a perfect day as I could have gotten.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The day before Nightmare Night was a slightly eventful one. Twilight’s steward ended up retiring a bit early, but luckily his replacements had taken to living in town, living off of their privately acquired wealth until he gave up his position. Twilight called me into the Court Hall from my office so we could give our candidates a proper interview, and when I shifted in, I didn’t bother giving them a primary look until I was properly situated. When I was good to go, I gazed toward our possible employees and I didn’t see anything special in the male fellow. He was a darkish brown Unicorn with a ruddy reddish mane, and he happened to be a bit taller than your average Pony. He seemed like the studious type, if my impression was correct, though that may have just been because I saw his rectangular glasses and classified him as such.

The woman standing next to him caught my attention in all the right ways, but I suppose you could consider them the wrong ways since I was a married man. The woman was an Earth Pony, her coat a light tannish color teetering on yellow, and her brunette mane that was tied off at the end of her locks seemed to be casually styled, though it gave her a Milf-esque appearance that made my heart pound in my chest. I have a thing for older woman and this one appeared to be in her mid thirties; the perfect range for a Milf on the young side. Her full bust was around a D-cup, larger than Twilight’s chest by a good bit, though Twilight’s breasts were still coming along as they pleased. The formal business attire she was wearing incensed my libido, her earth toned outfit paired with dark stockings making my heart leap into my throat every so often. I could see from the mares generous hips that she was going to have quite the rear on her, and when I saw her light blue eyes, my crush was cemented and the Ol’ Chap was prepared.

My body was so ready.

I couldn’t tell if my the feeling of infatuation was solely my own or if Twilight was feeling some of it herself, because when I traded a look with her, her cheeks held the same rosy tint that I could feel on my own face. I suppose the fellow could have been a bit of a Dilf, but the woman was so perfectly in the middle of my strike zone with her seemingly effortless attractiveness that I would’ve been willing to bet that my own feelings were carrying over to Twilight. I didn’t know what the fuck I was about to do, so I took the lead and started off the conversation.

After clearing my throat for a moment, I said, “So welcome to Castle Arcadia. I haven’t been informed of your names, so I’d like to start with introductions for politeness sake. I am Prince Maximus, though if you want me to like you, you’ll call me ‘Maximus’, ‘Max’, ‘Grand Poobah’, ‘Admiral Muffin’, or, if you’re really stuck on showing some form of obeisance, I also accept ‘boss’. There will be none of this ‘Prince Maximus’ or ‘Your Highness’ nonsense, and I’d like it if you kept that in mind.” The candidates traded a worried look before I carried on. “As you most likely know, the woman to my right is my lovely and cherished Cherry, Twilight Sparkle. Twilight?”

She picked up where I left off. “I’m not as opposed to honorifics as Max is, but I would prefer it if you called me ‘Mrs. Sparkle’ if you want to address me with more respect than usual. I honestly like it when ‘ponies’ call me Twilight because I wasn’t always a Princess, but I understand that some ‘ponies’ feel uncomfortable naming a Princess with anything other than proper respect.” Twilight gave me some side-eye. “Something my husband could bear to learn.”

“Oh, I’m well aware of that. I just don’t care.” I said flippantly.

The nice lady giggled and the fellow looked a little scared, making me hope that Twilight was going to keep the woman as her retainer. “Now that you know a little about us, why don’t you tell us a little about yourselves? Mrs. Care? Would you care to start?” Twilight asked.

Care smiled and said, “My name is Tender Loving Care, and yes, that is my real name. Most ponies call me TLC or Care, both of which I like well enough, though my husband likes to call me Care Bear, and I find that adorable!” Fucking Goddamit. “I have two wonderful sons, and though my youngest tends to be a bit hard-headed at times, he means well and usually means no harm if he slips up…” Tender Care tapped her chin. “Let’s see… I like to know as many ponies as I possibly can, and seeing a familiar friendly face usually makes my day just that much better. I can’t say I’m terribly fond of numbers, but my memory is nearly perfect, and I can tell you about anything that I’ve witnessed from now until about twenty years ago, though even past that limitation, I still have a good few stories to tell.”

She turned to the fellow next to her and he gave her a quick smile before saying, “I’m Sound Digit, and unlike my wife,” You better not be married to her, “numbers are my thing.” Goddamit! “I keep detailed records of just about everything I have my mind on, and though I like to challenge myself to remember as much as I can without my notes, I don’t get very far. I’m not much of a pony’s pony, but I get by well enough if I have to, and like I said, I’m more geared toward information and recording information than getting to know ponies.”

I nodded. “In that case, I believe you-”

“Would be best suited to serving as Max’s steward on a trial period.” Twilight cut in suddenly. I gave her a sideways glance, but I trusted her judgement well enough.

Digit blinked. “... I thought we were interviewing for a position in the Court, Miss Twilight?”

“Well, I think it would be beneficial if Max and I both had stewards that played to our weaknesses rather than to our strengths. That, and I’m sure Max wouldn’t mind having some’pony’ to help him keep his itinerary straight.” Twilight gave Digit a nervous little smile, confirming my suspicions of her own infatuation.

“I’ll try anything once, I guess.” I murmured, giving Twilight a look.

She passed me a shy smile. “We’ll see how it goes.”

I hopped up from my throne and walked down the dais, shifting over to Sound Digit after I took the last step. “Well then, let’s get a move on, mate. How do you feel about teleportation?”

“Well, I can do it across the house.” He offered.

“And I can get us to the Moon if I put forth a little effort.” I gave him a little grin and he seemed a little scared of me because of it. “Relax, mate. I’m not going to take us to the Moon unless you want to go.”

He nodded a couple times and I put a hand on him before looking back to Twilight. “Is there anything else you need, Cherry? I’ve still got about two hours of paperwork before I make my rounds.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “So you’ve got fifteen minutes of paperwork before you take a long walk.”

I gave her a shit-eating grin. “You act like I don’t supervise to the best of my abilities.”

“There’s no need to train our guards yourself anymore, Max.”

Tender Care seemed quite interested, but her husband flinched visibly, making me doubt Twilight’s judgement. “Yeah, but I’d still like to try and see if we could get a tourney or something set up for the guards from every Castle. If I can get Luna and Shining on my side, I’m sure we can manage to get you, Celly, and Candy Arse to agree.”

Twilight gave me a look, though it was ruined by the upturned corners of her mouth. “You’re full of hot air, Amour, but I love you anyway.”

I blew her a kiss and Tender Care said, “Aww, you two are so sweet! You remind me of Digit and I when we were young!”

Digit himself chuckled anxiously, though I’m sure it was because he was a little scared of me. “I can’t say our personalities are terribly similar, but the love is there.”

I raised a brow at him. “I don’t know, you seem to have a few things in common with Twilight, if I’m getting your vibe right.”

He chuckled again, still nervous, but his wife’s melodious laughter was heart-warming to say the least. “I keep telling him that he would like Prin- Er, Mrs. Sparkle, but he thinks that I would like you just as much.”

I passed Twilight a look and she happened to be looking elsewhere at the moment. It wasn’t on purpose or anything. Just chance. totally happenstance. I rolled my eyes at her and said, “If there’s nothing else, then Digit and I have a little work to get started on. Do either of your sons go to school?”

“Our youngest does,” Tender Care answered, “but our oldest is sixteen, so he can look after his brother for a few hours while we start our trial run.”

“That’s great news! I suppose it really is convenient to have an older child when you have a younger one.” Twilight said cheerily.

“It still means that you have to deal with two babies at some point in time.” I said drily.

Twilight and Tender Care gasped. “Max! Foals are a wonderful thing!” My wife argued.

“I agree wholeheartedly! Foals are the best thing that can happen in an adult pony’s life!” Tender Care chimed in.

I looked to Digit for support, but the coward wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I’ll let you two take care of all of the illegitimate children I plan on creating, if you feel so strongly about it.” I jested.

Twilight gave me a sad look and Tender Care glared at me. “Now you listen here, young man-”

“Care Bear!” Digit stage whispered. “You can’t chastise a Prince!”

“She can if she doesn’t mind taking a lap around the track.” I grinned.

Care folded her arms. “So if I agree to run the track, can I tell you what I think of that horrible little statement of yours?”

“I was kidding, but yeah, I guess.” I gave her an amused look.

TLC pointed a finger. “As a stallion, it’s your responsibility to take care of the foals you help make, one way or the other, and I highly doubt that Mrs. Sparkle is going to take kindly to you sleeping around with her! I am quite certain that she is enough for you, and if you want another-” I booped her.

“I was kidding, love.” I said. “Twilight is woman enough for me, but I wouldn’t mind a slice of your pie, if you know what I mean.”

Digit nodded while his wife lit up bright red. “Tender is quite the baker, but how did you know?”

“Call it an educated guess.” I bit back chuckles.

Twilight teleported to my side and pinched the fuck out of me for being a shit head. “Keep up those kinds of comments and ‘ponies’ are going to think you’re a mareizer, Max.”

I came in for a quick smooch, but Twilight put a finger on my lips. “You’re not sneaking one in on me. You can have a kiss in an hour after you’ve thought about what you’ve done.”

I licked her finger. “Tastes like love. Is that an hour from this very moment, or an hour after this one is done?”

Twilight checked the watch I’d given her some time ago. “You can have another kiss at ten forty-two.”

I gave my pocket watch a look. “Sounds good to me. Do cheek kisses count?”

Twilight rolled her eyes again and presented her cheek, so I gave her a quick smooch. “And with that, I’ll be off. Take care, Cherry. Tender Care, be sure not to take anything I say too seriously. I’m fond of messing with people.”

Care’s face was still a little rosy. “I’ll be sure to remember that, Prince Max.”

I gave her a look. “Do you want a wedgie? Because I can give you the worst kind of wedgie.”

Her face gained more of the rosy tint and Twilight reached up to tug on my ear, dragging me down to her level. “Stop harassing our employees and go do your work!”

I made her let go of my ear and seized her so I could lick her face right up the middle. Twilight scrunched her face up and started wiping my slobber off while Tender Care giggled. I took Digit to my office, found him a seat, and told him to take it easy for his first day. I started in on my paperwork after inviting him to go to the library to grab a book, but then I remembered to use Study Buddy Brain so I could finish up my work and get him started on the real aspects of his job. After getting him a clipboard with a legal pad attached, he titled it with the day’s date and whatnot while we went to go find Fancy. I was sure to put my Seal on Digit’s little pad so no one who wasn’t allowed to see what was written there could read it, and once we got him to Fancy’s office, I had him start taking succinct notes on how many guards we had staffed, the next round of trainees, who was slated to retire within the next five years, and orders for more equipment and repairs for the things we already had. We managed to get him through five pages in less than two hours, and after introducing him to Fancy (He’d been on the Training Grounds monitoring things), I took him to Onyx and repeated the process, though I noticed that his handwriting took a hit to the tender bits when the burly older man addressed him directly.

Crimson and Fleur were hard pressed to give up their information, but after I assured them that Digit had been sworn to secrecy before he was even considered for the position, they had to trust my words and more notes were made. I agreed with them, to be completely honest. I didn’t like having the things I tried to keep in my head on paper, and I sure as fuck didn’t like that it was all kept on more documents than absolutely necessary, but it was what it was. However, when I took Digit to the Training Grounds, I became even more certain that he just wasn’t going to work out. I spend most of my time either checking up on the Castle staff to see if they need anything or on the Training Grounds, training myself or my people. Fucking Digit can’t even be around the sparring circles without hyperventilating, and he’s terribly afraid of the Operative training course. In other words, he was a bit of a bitch, and that just wasn’t my bag.

The rest of the day sucked since I had to spend it inside, and when it came time for me to join Twilight in the Court Hall, I swear Digit was ready to cry out of relief. When we got there, I looked at Twilight and she seemed quite annoyed while Tender Care had her eyes closed and her arms folded, standing stock still. Digit went to go stand on my side of the dais, but he apparently didn’t notice that his wife was asleep on her feet- hooves. Dammit, I still fuck that up sometimes. Whatever. Twilight and I traded a look that promised words to be had later that night, and thus we started on the only big case we’d gotten in the past couple of weeks. It wasn’t anything terribly serious or important, but it was just some stuff for reparations to Sadelle’s Town Hall that needed to be covered.

I wanted it done well enough to last for years, but Twilight wanted to cut costs and make sure that our money went a bit further, so I offered to chip in myself in order to get my way, but Twilight was firmly against it. We had Digit weigh in and he sided with Twilight (Unsurprisingly), but when I woke Tender Care up, she was startled. That wasn’t the important bit, but what was important was that she agreed with me and she was able to win her husband over after citing that a similar situation had happened with one of their sister shops and they’d skimped on repairs, only to have them be so poor that they’d had to remodel the arcade when some snow caused the roof to collapse. Twilight saw the wisdom in my words once I mentioned to her that if my frugal arse was willing to pay to get it done right, then it was most likely a worthy venture.

Once seven came around, Tender Care and Sound Digit went back to their home in Ponyville, which meant that Twilight and I could go to supper and have a word about the events of the day. Once we were done eating and were now just snacking, Twilight started things off by saying, “I can’t believe I actually had to ask her to start taking notes! Max, while I realize that some people are just better at remembering things than others, I need someone who can remember some things and take notes as they go along! I need my day’s events to be recorded like Tail Coat used to, and if Tender Care isn’t going to do it, that just means that I’m going to have to!”

“Oi, are you kidding me? Take fucking Digit off my hands and I swear you’ll be happier for it, Cherry. I swear, the guy has to write down every little thing about every little fucking thing! I could barely talk to him since he was constantly writing, and he can’t even do half of the damn job because he’s terrified of my guards, my Operatives, and he can barely talk to the Castle staff! That’s not even mentioning how much it sets my nerves on edge to have my day written down, to have a physical form of my schedule. I just can't ddeal.” I ran my hands through my hair and tried another bite of my steak after a moment.

Twilight and I swallowed our food and looked at each other. “We need to trade.”

She sighed and put her fork down, leaving her tiramisu to itself for a moment. “Max, I just don’t trust myself around Sound Digit! I don’t want to lust after another stallion while I have you-”

“Cherry, you let me have pretty much whoever I want as long as you get to watch and approve of who they are. If you want to flirt around or try a little more with Digit, then I can’t hold it against you with a clear conscience.”

“Yes, but I know that you don’t like the idea of seeing me with another guy.” Twilight sighed.

I shrugged. “So? I don’t like the idea of a lot of things, but if you want to try another man, then you have my support. It’s only fair that you get to try some dick other than mine at least once in your life.”

Twilight poked at her cake- dessert- tiramisu. She poked at the food, dammit. “... It would be interesting to try another man.” She glanced at me.

I raised a brow. “Are you waiting for me to be offended?”

She blushed and kept looking at her cake. “Well…”

“Are you trying to say my dick isn’t good enough!?” I asked.

She let loose a little giggle. “I think the fact that we soaked the mattress from all the times you made me… ‘Spill my icing’, should be enough to tell you that I don’t need another man for that.”

I gave her my best sad face. “Then is it because I don’t give you enough affection?”

“Of course not! Our hourly kisses take care of that. It’s just that I like a mature man every now and again.” Twilight blushed and cut a piece off of her ‘cake’ (I’m calling it cake).

“That’s honestly how I feel about older women. I shouldn’t be surprised that you have a thing for older men too.” I commented, taking another tasty bite of my food.

“Well, I am four years older than you, and… Hold on, have you actually slept with anyone younger than you since-”

“Nope, I’ve never even slept with someone my own age. Applejack was the closest one to me, and she still had a year and some change on me.”

“... You’ve only ever slept with older women? Isn’t that a little daunting?”

I raised a brow. “How do you think I got so good at sex? I had a few good ladies who weren’t afraid to teach someone willing to learn.”

“I guess I just never really considered it. Huh.” Twilight took a big bite of her cake and mulled it over.

I shrugged. “If it makes you feel any weirder, we’ve both slept with beings over five thousand years older than us.”

She gave me a look. “I only remember having snacks with Uror. The time when everyone got drunk doesn’t count.”

“And that’s why I’m not in trouble for snacking on your brother.” I smiled.

“... You’re so lucky you’re cute.”

I chewed on my last bite of steak. “I’m lucky he wasn’t a guy when it happened.”

She blushed and shook her head. “I still can’t believe half of those pictures.”

“I still can’t believe Tender Care is like, the perfect Milf.”

“Milf?” Twilight asked.

“Mum slash mother I’d like to fuck.” I explained.

“... So you want Tender Care like I want Sound Digit?”

“Oh, it was over when I saw her. I’ll keep my hands to myself, but I’ll probably tease her to no end while she’s working with me.”

Twilight started poking at her cake again. “I know you like older women, but I didn’t think you’d be interested in a woman with children.”

“Beauty is beauty, Twilight, and Tender Care has it in spades. She can’t match up to you, but she’s got some features I’m quite fond of.”

I could practically feel the cogs turning in Twilight’s head. “... What if we shared them?”

I laced my fingers together and rested my chin on them. “I’m liking the implications here. Once we switch, we start working on getting them into our bed, yeah?”

My wife blushed. “W-Well, I don’t know if I can flirt with someone I don’t know all that well. It took me so long to get past mild cuddling with you…”

“You definitely have it in you, but we don’t have to make it an immediate thing, Cherry. It can be a plan for the long haul.”

“Can we do that, then?” She asked shyly.

I gave her a reassuring smile. “Sure thing. Besides, I’d like to get to know them a little bit better before we start doing anything.”

Twilight cleaned her teeth with her tongue before giving me a small smile. “You won’t give Tender Care any snacks before we’re both ready, right?”

“She won’t be getting so much as a kiss from me until you give me the go ahead.”

That made her smile a little wider. “Then I hope we can convince them to have some snacks with us.”

“I would make a comment about that, but saying bullshit like ‘How hard could it be?’ is stupid and practically invites trouble on yourself.” I said firmly.

Twilight nodded. “I’ve seen it happen too many times. Thank you for pointing out the fact that I jinx us a lot, by the way.”

“No problem. We did remember to tell Tail Coat to come in tomorrow so he can actually train our fucking stewards, right?”

“I sent him the note, but I think he’ll just be training Digit for a week before moving on to Tender. I don’t think the way you operate makes sense to anyone other than you and your people.”

I shrugged. “I like it that way.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a smile. “At least it’s nice to know that any one of your four Agents can make the wheel keep on turning since you have things set up the way you do. It’s harder on my side of things.”

I chuckled. “It’s because you’re so opposed to just letting other people handle your business. I made sure to show Fancy and Onyx how to keep the ship sailing since they’re easily my most trusted confidants beside yourself. Crimson and Fleur are still learning, but they have the ropes.”

My wife sighed. “Maybe I’ll be able to train Digit to make my life easier.”

I gave her an easy smile. “If you want to take a page from my book, go on and see what it do. If I can help you out, feel free to give me a few words and I’ll happily come to call.”

Twilight smiled and held her right hand out, so I used my True Theft to hold it. “You really have been doing better. I’m proud of you, Max.”

I gave her an odd look. “What do you mean?”

“Ever since The War ended, you’ve been less… Angry, I guess. More open, more willing to lend a hand where you can.”

I shrugged. “I guess that I’ve just been mellowing out since I don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. Now that Discord is gone, I don’t really have to be sitting on a knife’s edge.”

Twilight let go of my hand and finished off her cake. “It’s nice to know that you’re feeling less anxious, but you know I’m well aware of how pent up you feel, right?”

“Some snacks would probably help with it to be honest. That, and I didn't get any sparring in with Swift or Crimson today, so I’m still a little wound up.” I sighed. “Digit really put a damper on my day.”

“At least he didn’t fall asleep on his feet.” She replied drily, walking over to my side of the table.

I waited for her to wrap her arms around me to respond. “It was pretty cute, in my opinion. I know court is boring, but I didn’t expect her to fall asleep on her first day.”

“Well, when she starts working with you, I don’t doubt that there will be more to keep her awake. You tend to keep things moving, after all.”

I leaned back in my chair, looking up at my Twilight. “I try. Standing still never did sit well with me.”

“Whaaat? The nighttime thief and daytime drunk has to stay busy or he gets bored?”

I blushed and tapped her nose. “I’m not a drunk anymore, and even when I was, I was a high-functioning drunk.”

She gave me a little squeeze. “Are you sure about that? I remember you saying something about not leaving your house outside of town because you stayed drunk for days on end.”

“I was severely depressed!”

Twilight kissed my cheek. “That’s no excuse for alcoholism, but it’s in the past anyway. Have I told you how about how badly I want you to get rid of the Liquor Closet?”

“No, but it’s staying anyway. I’ve got some fantastic booze in there that I wouldn’t mind sharing with some friends.”

“The only people who can keep up with you are either Alicorns or the Apple Family.” Twilight said drily.

“I share a glass with my Agents every now and again. We don’t go past their limits.” I said defensively.

“I really do think you should just stick to what we grow, Amour.”

“You act like I’m going through my stores at some alarming rate. I drink like, every other day, if that.”

“I can feel you getting upset, Max.”

“You’re telling me to give up a part of my culture. Brits drink, Twilight. It’s just something we do. We don’t get blitzed every time we drink.”

She sighed and rested her chin on the top of my head, so I assumed she was levitating. “Would it really be that bad, though? Is it really that important to you?”

“Is it really that bad now? What about my drinking makes you worried?”

“I don’t know, Max, I just… I don’t think drinking is all that worth it. Isn’t smoking just better anyway? There’s no hangover, no nausea, no waking up in some stranger’s bed after a long night. I’m trying to say that there are caveats to drinking and your track record is frankly terrible.”

I held her arms around me for a few moments while I thought of a response to that. “So basically you’re waiting for me to flip my shit.”

“If you want to be a prick about it, then yes.”

“How else am I supposed to take that, Twilight?”

“You could take it as the verbal expression of concern from your caring, loving wife that it is.”

“That’s a dirty card to play and you know it.” I grumbled.

“Is it doing its job?” She asked.

“No. I’m keeping the Liquor Closet, and you can keep your weird shrine to me.”

I heart Twilight’s heart skip a beat. “Y-You know about that?” She asked softly.

“I won’t pretend to understand it, but I do find it incredibly flattering that you would hold me in such high esteem.” I covered smoothly.

“I-I-I-” Twilight stammered, trying to pull away from me.

I shifted behind her so I could return her hug, though it would have gotten me slapped if I didn’t hold her arms. “I’m not judging you for it, Twilight. I do think it’s odd since you can have your time with me whenever you want it, but again, there’s no judgement here.”

She leaned into me and grabbed my arm. “... I know it’s weird, but…”

“Tell me about it, and I don’t mean that as a jab. I want to understand a little more about you.” I said softly.

Twilight relaxed a bit. “Well… It started off as just a little doll for when you didn’t come over some days, or when you were spending time with Rarity or Fluttershy…”

“To keep you company in my stead?” I asked, nudging her to keep going.

“Yeah… Eventually I just wanted to keep a few pictures around so I could look at them and remember when we took them, but it… It spiraled out of control kinda fast…”

Something from my journals had been bothering me for awhile. “Around the time we started dating, after Pinkie stole my journals, I remember finding the fixed ones unorganized in my hiding place. I thought it was a little strange.” I think that was collection number twenty.

“... I just wanted to know more about you, Amour! I’m sorry, but I just needed to know what went on in your head and how you thought and how you felt! I didn’t want to invade your privacy like that, but…” Twilight squeezed my arm.

“I’ve let you read them since then anyway, so I don’t see a point in being upset over it. I suppose that’s how you really found out about my ring?”

“...Yeah.”

I hugged her a little tighter. “I never took you for a good liar. I’m actually a little impressed.”

“Well, it’s not as hard when there’s some truth to it.”

“It also comes out as more plausible, which is something I probably shouldn’t have told you. No sex for four days.”

“I think you’re punishing yourself more than me on that one, but if that’s what you want to go with…”

“Just for that, I’m going to make it suck extra hard.” I started kissing Twilight's neck, giving her the odd nibble here and there.

“How is this making it suck?” She asked, giving in already.

I let my left hand fall to her hip and tilted her head toward me with my right hand, giving me access to her jaw. “I’m going to give you something to think about for the duration of your punishment.”

She shivered. “I-If I’m not allowed to have snacks with you, then you’re not allowed to do it with anyone else.”

I kissed the corner of her mouth before moving around to stand in front of her, never letting either of my hands leave her lovely form. I peppered her lips with little kisses before I let her have a lasting one. I made sure that she could feel my excitement, and as I shifted us to our room, Twilight slipped me a little tongue to see how I’d react. I didn’t respond with any of my own, so she tried again, earning herself the same result. Instead of giving up and letting me control the pace, her hand dipped below my waist and she caressed me, so I took myself a handful of her bottom and gave her a gentle squeeze, making her stand on the tips of her hooves for some odd reason. She doesn’t know why she does it, and I don’t know why I do it when I’m Roxy, but it just happens for some odd reason.

Twilight and I carried on until I was just about to put the tip in, neither of us having had an orgasm quite yet. She didn’t quite understand why we were skipping straight to the good stuff, but when she got it, she wasn’t complaining. I’d been keeping her on the brink of an orgasm for some time now, and when I eased myself into her, I could tell that she would have gotten off if I’d been rougher. Again, I kept Twilight on the edge of an orgasm for ten minutes, then for five more, and then another five after that. By the time thirty minutes had passed, Twilight was practically begging for release. When I got her desperate enough to call me ‘Hubby Wubby’, I pulled out and put my pants back on.

“M-Max? Amour? Why did you stop?” Twilight asked, crawling to the edge of the bed.

“This is a part of your punishment.” I answered simply.

“... You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me right now.” Twilight growled.

I hopped onto my side of the bed, erected a shield and a few wards before getting under the covers. “Nope. That’s for lying to my face.”

“Max, I swear to the Heavens-”

I rolled over and looked at her with a placid expression. “Good night, Cherry.”

She picked up one of our pillows and tried to beat me with it, only to find that I had a shield up. “Oh come on! This isn’t fair, Max! You can’t just do all that to a mare and expect her to just live with it!”

“You should’ve kept you mouth shut after I gave the terms of your punishment if you didn’t want it to suck extra hard.” I replied with a clipped tone.

Twilight continued to beat my shield with her pillow. “You insufferable ass!”

“Oh yeah, all the toys are gone too.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Max!? Are you really that petty!?”

“Should’ve kept your mouth shut.” I yawned and made my barrier soundproof.

Yeah, I’m an arse on a whole ‘nother level. Deal with it.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning at breakfast, Twilight refused to talk to me and had a bit of a time of it when it came to keeping her tone civil with Tender Care and Sound Digit. I understand the feeling of being blueballed all too well, but what did she expect? If I ever lied to her, she’d be pissed beyond belief, but at least I was still willing to talk and do other things with her. I was hurt that she’d lied and kept it from me for so long, so I made her life suck for a little bit. If she wanted to be mad, she could deal with it. Before the day could truly get started, however, Twilight sent the other married couple away so we could actually have a word.

“You understand that I am very upset with you for what you did last night, right?” Twilight asked stonily.

“I expected you to be.” I replied calmly.

“I get that I lied, but it was about something small and insignificant-”

“You broke into my home so you could violate my privacy, which I forgave you for. You’ve been stealing from me since we’ve been dating and I’m alright with that since it was never anything terribly important.” Twilight blushed and stared at the plate in front of her. “However, lying to me is hurtful, Cherry. If I lied to you, you would punish me. You lied to me, so I’m punishing you. It is personal. Very much so.”

“... That was still a mean thing to do.”

“But you came to no harm and the only thing that might be hurting is your desire to sleep with me again. I wanted to smack you.” I said evenly.

“... I guess I don’t really have a leg to stand on.”

“If it makes you feel any better, it’s only four days.”

Twilight glared at me. “Did yesterday count as one?”

“No, that was for saying my punishment wasn’t good enough.”

“That’s just dirty!”

“So was lying to me.”

“It’s not fair! My Cupcake Castle won’t stop making crumbs!”

“It’s not fair that you chastised me for breaking into your house when you broke into mine.”

“It’s different!”

“No, it’s not.” I said icily.

Twilight opened her mouth to say something else and my lip curled automatically, probably a side effect of the look of pure rage I gave her. She shut her mouth slowly and looked down at her lap. “I still love you, but I’m rather disappointed in you right now.” I said through my teeth. “When your days are up, I’ll let it go. Until then, don’t fucking bitch at me about a damned thing.”

Twilight looked like she wanted to cry and that made my heart hurt, but we both knew that I was feeling more of the pain than she was anyway. I left shortly after finishing my coffee and shifted to Tender Care’s side, finding her as she was asking for directions to my office since no one had told her where to go. I collected her and shifted there because I didn’t feel like walking, and as I explained what I wanted her to do, she nodded along with a look of concern on her face. She eventually had to break her silence about forty-five normal minutes into my paperwork.

“Boss, far be it from me to tell you what to do-” Tender began.

“Exactly.” I said.

“I-I beg your pardon?” She asked.

I looked up from my paperwork and saw that she was actually standing in front of my desk. “I said ‘Exactly’. Far be it from you to tell me a damned thing about how I handle Twilight, Tender Care.”

She glared at me. “If you really loved her, you would make things right.”

“If she really loved me, she never would have lied. I don’t give a damn what it was about, but we swore that we would never lie to each other. She broke her promise, not me. If you have anything to say to that, then I suggest you swallow your words because I don't care.”

“... I would like to assume that you’re not planning on hitting her-”

I stared Tender in the eyes as I spoke. “Assume nothing and know for a fact that I won’t. I vowed to never lay and angry hand on Twilight and I tend to keep the promises I make.” Except for that one retarded promise. “If I ever do lay a hand on Twilight, feel free to smack me yourself once I’m done with my sentence on the Moon.”

“I’ll hold you to that, you know.” TLC replied icily.

“I find it very amusing that you Ponies blame the victim for being upset.” I replied, my voice far colder.

Tender flinched. “I suppose I’ve crossed a line.”

“Then take two steps back and get on your side.” I said, returning to my work.

She didn’t return to the desk I’d created for her. “... If I may, Max...?”

I glared at her and she swallowed hard, but held her ground. “What.”

“Why was Twilight so upset this morning?”

“She doesn’t like the terms of her punishment, and there was an event last night.” I said, my tone brokering no further explanations.

“... If you didn’t hit her, then why-”

“Will you shut the fuck up and get out of my personal life? I’ve known you less than two days and you’re already trying to stick your fucking head up my arse.” I said harshly.

Care colored. “I beg your pardon!”

“Woman, if you don’t get the fuck out of my face in the next five seconds, your arse can go home.” I snarled.

“Maybe I just want to build a functioning relationship with you, Max! Did you think of that!?” Tender yelled.

I swallowed the gross Chav words that were about to come out of my mouth and shifted TLC out of the room because I didn’t want to go off on her, but she came right through the door and marched up to my desk again. “That was some stupid nonsense.”

“Are you really mouthing off to the strongest being on Equus right now?” I asked coldly.

“I would like to think that I’m a good judge of character, Maximus, and by the way you’re acting, I think you’re just being a scared little colt who’s afraid to let somepony in right now because you’re afraid of getting hurt again, but do you know what? I don't quit. Send me to the other side of Equus for all I care, but I will be back, and I will get you to talk about what happened.” Tender Care said, breaking out the full Mom Voice™.

I didn’t want to be mothered. “Fuck. Off.”

“What. Happened.” She answered.

“You know what? Let me fuck you and I’ll tell you.” I folded my arms and glared at her. “Hate-fucking is far more fulfilling than arguing anyways.”

Tender coloured and I could see her jaw working. “You can push me away all you want, but I’m not going to give. I think there’s something deep inside of you that just wants to let it out, and I’m going to find it, one way or another.”

I sent her to the other side of the Castle this time and got my paperwork done by the time she was back. I’d waited for her due to some odd, unknown reason, but when she got back, all I had to say was, “Keep talking and I’ll keep sending you further away.”

Tender Care gave me a smouldering glare. “If you really wanted me gone, you’d have fired me by now.”

She had me there. “... Shut up and follow me.” I muttered, brushing past her on my way out the door.

I walked fast since I was irritated, but Tender Care was quite tall for a mare and her long, sexy legs carried her quickly enough to keep up with me. Yes, I still wanted to play some jazz in her lady lounge. What can I say? She was fucking hot when she was angry and concerned, though it’s not like she was any less hot when she wasn’t. Anyway, I lead Care out to the Training Grounds and started explaining the zones to her, like which ones to be especially careful in and which ones she could walk around freely and during what times she could do so. She absorbed all the knowledge I gave her, and while I was introducing her to the Instructors and Drill Sergeants, she put on a mask and acted civilly, which I appreciated.

After I introduced Tender Care to Fleur, my Operator took me aside for a moment and asked, “So what did you do to make her this angry?”

“We were having a debate on how involved she needs to be in my personal life.” I said evenly.

Fleur raised a brow. “She is supposed to be your stewardess, you know.”

“No shit. I just don’t see the point in getting her involved with my business with Twilight.”

“Oh? Are you having a problem with her?”

“She lied to me, so I put her on punishment. Twilight likes being punished about as much as I do, but she’s less understanding about it than I am.”

She tilted her head. “I’m sure Twilight wouldn’t lie to you about something terribly important.”

“It wasn’t. It’s the fact that she broke her promise that bothers me.”

“Ah, I see. Have you explained this to Tender Care?”

“I have.”

“Then what’s the issue?”

“She wants to know what I did to Twilight to piss her off so fiercely.”

Fleur folded her right arm under her left one and placed her hand under her chin. “What did you do, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“I got her excited for a night of good sex, edged her for about thirty minutes, then stopped cold. That was because she said my original punishment wasn’t good enough, however.” I answered casually.

“... What was the original punishment?”

“No sex for four days.”

“I wouldn’t have said a thing if you were going to let me off that easy.” Fleur said drily.

I spread my hands. “Twilight doesn’t think that way.”

“So you left her sexually frustrated for a night. So what?”

I gestured toward her. “My thoughts exactly. She left me sexually frustrated for weeks on end and I didn’t complain once.”

She rolled her eyes. “Civilians.”

“Damn straight.”

Fleur gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. “I’m sure Twilight won’t hold out on you for too long after this.”

“I wouldn’t bet on it. She said her ‘Cupcake Castle’ was still ‘dropping crumbs’ this morning.” I used air quotes to illustrate my point.

“... How is that mare allowed to have sex?”

“She’s mature enough for it, she’s just too innocent for the dirty words. I find it adorable myself.”

Fleur chuckled. “I’m glad to see that you still feel the same way about her, even if she did upset you enough to leave her with ‘crumbs’ everywhere.”

I barked out a laugh. “Like I’ll ever stop loving her with my whole heart. You know better than that, Fleur.”

She just smiled and shook her head. “I know, Max. If there’s nothing else, I’m sure Tender Care would like to continue being mad at you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just keep an eye on the trainees and don’t let any of them pull another Lost Legacy, yeah? That guy’s borderline nuts.”

“The best Operatives are.” Fleur sighed. “That’s probably why I was so good.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you already had a background in stalking or anything.”

She blushed and slapped the shit out of my right arm, having learned her lesson a few weeks ago. “I did no such thing! I was a young mare in love!”

“You stalked Fancy until he married you.” I said, rubbing my arm.

Fleur cocked back to throw a real punch this time around, so I settled into my Riptide stance quickly enough to deflect her punch. She threw two more since the first one didn’t connect before giving up and saying, “I swear, you’ve got to be the most insufferable stallion I have ever met!”

“You only say that because we’re not allowed to do the bedroom waltz anymore.” I replied smugly.

She sighed before giving me a womanly look. “You figured out a lot of the things I like in one night while it took Crimson two weeks to find out how to make me scream. Of course I would be a little upset!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure he’s better than I was by now.”

“Oh, he can almost keep pace with me. He still prefers to have Fancy and I at the same time, but one on one, he’s doing good.”

“I still don’t understand how he deals with having a knob in his gob on a regular basis, but it’s not my mouth, nor my arse.”

“Indeed it is not. Now that you’ve rhymed; shoo. Shoo shoo.” She flapped her hands about like a SpEd, and when I mentioned that, she slapped my arm again, though she didn’t know what I was talking about. I gave her a hug to show that I was fully aware of the fact that mental disabilities weren’t communicable by earthly means, but she pushed me away and I had to go collect Tender Care.

As we were walking away from the Operative training course, Tender Care asked, “May I ask what you two were talking about?”

“You. Twilight. Our old relationship. The ridiculously adorable pseudonym my wife gives her genitalia.” I answered.

Tender Care stopped in her tracks, but I didn’t care enough to let her impede my progress. However, I did look back after a minute or two to see that she was power-walking her way back to my side, so I slowed down for her and waited until she was by my side again. She didn’t say much as we headed toward the sparring circles, but I knew that she had something on her mind. I decided to let it stay on her mind and asked around to see if anyone wanted to have a quick little one-on-one with me since I really was wound up from not getting a good spar in, but the only way I could convince anyone to try me was if I let three of my senior guards come at me together. Apparently they’d been trying to work together as a team and had been using Swift as their victim, and after a week of suckering him into being their test dummy they felt confident enough to come after me. It was an interesting fight to say the least, and I didn’t hurt them beyond a bruise or two apiece, but fighting in actual skirmishes where hundreds of people are brandishing weapons at whatever’s in front of them left me rather capable of handling them.

When I finished up with that, I had to clean my dress shirt since it had gotten dirty during the sparring session. I liked that they’d been able to make my back touch the ground twice, but it still wasn’t enough to beat me. I resolved to change the rules and lower the bar for victory over me and asked Tender Care to make a mental note of it, but she had something to say about that.

“Boss, I know it’s probably boring to win every fight, but if ponies don’t strive to defeat you when the standard is where it’s already at, then aren’t you doing them more harm than good?” Care asked.

We were on our way back into the Castle since it was time for me to head to the Court Hall. “Tender, you don’t know me well enough to assume that I’ll be beaten.”

“You sound just like the old rumors of Blueblood.” She shot back.

I stopped and looked her in the eye. “Most powerful being on Equus. Me. Right here. If I wanted to, I could topple every major government on Equus. I’ve fought in more skirmishes during The War than any Pony of Equestria. I’ve fought and was taught by Princess Luna and another ancient being who both know what they’re doing. Lord forbid I actually give my soldiers a hope of beating me while I’m not being serious.”

Tender Care stared right back .”If you’re so strong, why even fight at all?”

“To see what people come up with to handle my established style. If you paid attention during that fight, you’d have noticed that I didn’t bother to evade at all, only block and knock them down. I want to see how creative people can get, and I honestly just like practicing.”

“... So you’re not doing it just to inflict pain on ponies?”

I gave her a look. “Why do you think I’m a sadist? Yeah, my training regimen is tough, but it’s possible. Just because I look for sparring partners doesn’t mean I’m forcing anyone to fight. Everyone knows I won’t hold it against them if they say no.”

Tender Care crossed her arms and tapped her hoof. “Really now?”

“Do you think I’m lying or something?”

“I think you’re lying to yourself. You get disappointed when you can’t find somepony willing to go around with you, and it affects your day, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it makes me feel restless and manic. If it gets too bad, I just take a few laps around the track or run the Operative course until I’ve worked the energy out.”

She blinked. “Oh.”

“Stop making assumptions, Care. You’re making an ass of yourself.”

She coloured and coughed. “I suppose I’ve been awfully standoffish since this morning.”

“I’d say you’ve been nagging me all day, but that would be a little harsh.”

“I believe it would be more than just a little harsh.” She said quietly.

“It wouldn’t be any less accurate.” I muttered.

Tender cut me a glare. “I heard that.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t supposed to.”

“I wish I could tell you to shut up.”

“I wish I could stop you from talking, but you just keep on going and going and going.” I said theatrically.

“You’re not this acerbic to everypony.” Care stated.

“Only the nosy ones who I don’t know that well.” I replied drolly.

“Fine. Why don’t we take some time to get to know each other?” Tender Care asked.

“We’ll do it after court, then.”

She gave me an odd look. “... Is that it? No snide comment? No lewd bartering? No swearing or hateful words?”

I rolled my eyes. “All you ever had to do was ask. You should’ve realized that I’m never going to trust a stranger with intimate details about my life.”

Tender blushed and looked down. “I suppose it does make more sense when you put it like that…”

“It should.” I started walking again and she followed closely.

“... I apologize for nagging at you.”

“Apology accepted. I’m sorry I’ve been such a prick. It’s really nothing personal, you’re just trying to get too close too fast.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll keep that in mind when we have our little talk.” She said, sounding resolute.

I glanced at her. “Do you just want to shift to the Court Hall, or do you actually want to walk?”

“Can we walk? I don’t really like teleporting.”

“It’s not teleporting. Different Magic, different terminology.”

“Isn’t all Magic just Magic?”

“Aren’t foxes and dogs the same creature? They’re both canines after all.”

“I don’t understand the analogy.”

“Magic is a living energy, Tender. It doesn’t breathe, eat, or usually sleep, but it is alive. Unicorns have their own Magic, Alicorns have their own Magic, both can have Dark Magic, and I have a different kind of Magic all together. You use the various kinds of Magic in different ways and they act a different way depending on who’s using it.” I explained.

“So Magic has different ‘species’ and those ‘species’ are significantly different?” Tender Care asked.

“To an extent, yes. My Magic and Dark Magic are the two most versatile on average, but when you have someone who can use Unicorn Magic like Twilight, it seems more like my Magic. Alicorn Magic is generally narrow in its scope, but powerful in its abilities, kind of like how Unicorn Magic tends to act.”

“So what kind of Magic is your Magic?” She inquired.

“Some would say the most powerful kind there is. It’s not far from the truth, but I have bits and pieces of all the different kinds of Magic except for the Dark kind. I used to have Dark Magic, but it was making me into a shitty person, so I got rid of it.”

“Are you sure you don’t still have some left over?” Tender asked.

I turned to give her a look, but she was smiling innocently. “... You realize you just called your boss a shitty person, right?”

“You’ve been acting pretty ‘shitty’ today.”

“Take a lap around the track. Court can wait.” I ordered.

Tender Care gave me a look. “I’m wearing heels.”

“Take them off. I’ll hold them for you.”

“No.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“Says who?”

“Says the guy who signs your paycheck.”

“I own a very successful franchise of high-tech arcades that spans across Equestria. My husband and I applied to serve you and Miss Twilight because we wanted a change of pace.”

“I can either make you run the track or dip you into a lake with a Kraken in it.”

“You can’t make me run.” Tender scoffed.

I walked up and got in her face. “Do you wanna bet on that?”

“Yes.” She replied, steel entering her voice.

I glared at her. “You brought this on yourself.”

I took two steps back, turned the power up on my bangle, and made eleven hands appear from nowhere to start tickling her in all the usual spots. She jumped and tried to jerk away from them, but they followed her every movement, tickling her as she fell to the ground and got her fetching little outfit coated in dirt. I was planning on cleaning it for her anyway, just in case she had a weak bladder. I allowed the torture to go on for a few minutes, drawing looks from passers by as Tender Care suffered on the ground, her wonderful melodious laughter filling the air.

P-Puh-lease! I’ll run! I’ll run!” Tender cried.

I snapped and the hands went away, leaving a dirty, giggling woman behind in their wake. Tender Care’s makeup was absolutely ruined, but she still looked pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I gave her a hand up and said, “That was great! Let’s do it again sometime!” I smiled brilliantly.

She glared at me to the best of her abilities while she was still working out some chuckles. “I-I hate you. I hate you so much right now.” She examined her clothes and mane. “Ugh! I fell asleep on my first day and now I’m covered in dirt on my second!”

“I’ll clean you up once you’re finished with your lap.” I said with a grin.

Tender was still trying to get her breath back, so I let her have a moment before leading us toward the start of the track. “You’re a despicable stallion. I hope you know that.”

I gave her a smile. “I would be upset about that, but hearing you laugh put me in a great mood. I’ll have to see if I have any jokes that can squeeze a few more chuckles out of you some time.”

She glared at me. “I’ll be sure to never laugh in your presence again.”

I gave her a sad look. “... That’s probably the worst thing that’s been said today.”

Care blinked. “Are you being serious?”

“A little. I really do enjoy your laugh. That’s half of the reason I let you be tickled so long.”

She started glaring again. “I’ll have you know that one of your little hands grabbed my bottom, you pervert!”

“Your rear is ticklish?” I asked.

Tender Care blushed. “N-No!”

“Can I check?” I asked with a smarmy grin.

She hit me for that one. “Will you stop hitting on me? My son is only five years younger than you!”

“And my wife is four years older than me. So what?”

“I’m only six years away from being twice your age!” She argued.

“Really now? Why do you think that matters?”

“B-Because! I’m married on top of that!”

“So I need to convince Digit too? Maybe we can double team you and see where that goes?” I asked, feigning hope.

“Will you stop it!?” Tender exclaimed.

“Forgive me for desiring a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart and mind.” I said sarcastically, laying the compliments on with a thick coat of honesty.

Her blush didn’t fade at all. “If you keep lusting after old women like me, your wife is going to start thinking she looks twice her age.”

I stopped abruptly and poked Tender’s sternum. “Alright, you listen here. I don’t care how old you are. I’ve slept with Celestia and Luna, both of whom are over four thousand years old. I’ve slept with beings far older than them too, so stop trying to use age as an excuse. I find you attractive. That’s all there is to it.”

She looked away and touched her cheek, finally seeing that her makeup had run. Ran. Whatever. “Aww Tartarus! I can’t be in public with my makeup running like this!”

I juiced up, grabbed a mirror with my True Theft, and fixed her face before handing her the mirror. “Complementary service.”

“... I would thank you, but you’re the reason it was messed up in the first place.”

I tickled her side and she let out a precious little squeak and some giggles. “Stop it! Are you a stallion or a naughty colt!?”

“A little bit of both most days. It’s the roguish, boyish charm that’ll sway you in the end.”

“I have two sons.” She replied flatly. “If you’re trying to charm me, then reminding me of them isn’t the way to do it.”

“So you’re thinking of surrendering to my advances?” I gave her a cocksure smile.

Tender Care glared. “I’ll tell your wife that you’ve been hitting on me.”

“The only reason I’m doing it is because she said it was okay.” I replied easily.

She blinked her surprise. “... You’re really serious about being attracted to me?”

“What can I say? You’re a stunner.” I shrugged.

Tender Care blushed. “If I can’t dissuade you by telling on you to your wife, then I’ll tell my husband.”

“Tell him that he’s welcome to go after Twilight.” I said casually.

Tender gasped. “You’re kidding! You would just hand your wife over to a stallion she’s only known two days!?”

“Can you keep a secret?” I asked.

“... I suppose.”

“It’s a yes or no question.”

“I’ll keep your secret if you make it an order.”

“I don’t like giving orders.” I pursed my lips off to the side.

“Aren’t you ordering me to run the track?” She said suspiciously.

“Yeah, but that’s because you disrespected me. All of Castle Arcadia’s employees are subject to the track for corrective action. Honestly, you should be happy that it’s only one lap and that I’ll be running with you.”

“You’re going to run in a suit?” She asked incredulously.

“I don’t sweat much, and running a single lap won’t exactly be taxing on me.”

“Oh… How long is the track?”

“I’ve been told it’s half a mile, so about four-fifths of a kilometer.”

“... I have never had to run that far in my entire life.” Tender said quietly.

“Better late than never!” I said cheerfully.

She sighed. “Are you sure I can’t just apologize for disrespecting you?”

“Quite. Don’t worry, I won’t let you be smelly for long.” I patted her on the back twice; once to be friendly, the second time to unhook her bra.

Tender’s arms went to her chest immediately. “I’m going to choke you!”

I laughed my arse off while Tender beat me senseless for a few minutes, holding her breasts with one arm while whacking me with the other until I fixed her issue. I didn’t stop laughing until we got to the start of the track, and even then Care still said, “It wasn’t that funny!”

“Oh, but it was! The look on your face was worth every little bruise.” I sighed happily.

“Do it twice and I aim lower.” She threatened.

“Aim lower and I really will have to throw you in a lake.” I chuckled.

She hit my arm one more time and started taking her shoes off. “If I need a hooficure after this, I’m filing a complaint!”

I reached out when she got them off and took them from her. “You’ll be fine. The dirt on the track is soft enough to keep your little hoovsies nice and safe.”

Tender Care gave me one more glare and started off at a slow jog, so I matched her pace with a little difficulty. “Are you always this slow, or are you trying to make us as late as possible?”

She shoved me and started going a little faster, so I was actually able to keep pace with her. We were still going painfully slow, but it was better than the turkey-trot she’d set before. It took us nearly ten minutes to get around the track, which was absolutely ridiculous. Tender Heart was still worn out by the end of it, regardless of how slow we’d gone, but I did get to learn that she smelled faintly of hazelnut coffee creamer. Once we were finished, we started heading back toward the Castle, going at a snail’s pace to let Tender catch her breath. The woman was pretty sweaty for only doing half a lap, but she smelled delicious.

“Are you happy now? You’ve insulted me, tortured me, humiliated me, hit on me, and punished me all in one day.” Tender Care said bitterly.

“And it’s only your second day working with me!” I gave her a thousand-watt smile. “I must say, you smell absolutely fantastic!”

She glowered at me, her neck growing red. “Thanks to you, I smell like sweat and shame.”

“Thanks to me, you smell like hazelnuts and respect. You could’ve quit at any point before now, but you stuck to it. I’m quite fond of your perseverance.”

Tender gave me a look before she tried to ‘subtly’ sniff herself. “I smell like sweat.”

I tapped my nose. “Human noses pick up on Pony scents differently. For example, Twilight smells like wine to me when she sweats.”

She gave me a surprised look. “Really?”

“Really. Apparently Human body odour smells different to Ponies too.” I said.

Tender came a little closer to sniff me, and I let her do it before I stepped away. “What? Apparently you sniffed me while I wasn’t looking!”

“No, my senses are just that sensitive. I could probably smell you from a few meters away, and I’ll most likely catch whiffs of you on these clothes for a good day or two.”

“I don’t smell that bad!”

I gave her a look. “Do you know what hazelnuts smell like? Because I’m quite fond of them.”

She rolled her eyes. “Just because I smell good to you doesn’t mean that everypony else is going to feel the same way.”

I gave her a one armed hug and she shoved me pretty hard. “What? Do I need to apologize for making your day interesting?”

Tender Care stared straight ahead. “This is the worst day I’ve had in years.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.” I gave her an easy smile.

She looked me dead in the eye. “It really has.”

“I’ll make sure tomorrow’s better then.”

“Tch. Thanks”

“You’ll be thanking me tomorrow.”

“If I even come back.” She spat.

“I thought you didn’t quit?” I quipped.

“Being sexually harassed, fondled by disembodied hands, and hit on by a stallion I could have given birth to doesn't really make this job seem worth it.”

I scratched my head. “... Huh. I’ve been pretty shitty today.”

“You think?”

“Yes, love. That’s why I said it.”

“That was-”

“Sarcasm. It doesn’t take a genius, Tender Care.”

“Great, and now you’re back to insulting me!” She grumbled.

“Would it make you feel better if I told you why Twilight was so upset this morning?”

“No.”

“Are you-”

“Yes.”

“... Tomorrow will be better, I promise you that.”

She passed me a sideways look. “It better be.”

“Keep it up and I’ll trip you.”

“Yes, give me more reasons to not like you.” She snapped.

“... I like you.” I said quietly. “You don’t put up with my shit.”

“I’ve been putting up with it all day!”

“Yeah, but you’ve also been berating me for it all day. The only person willing to say stuff like that to me these days is Twilight.”

“Maybe you should stop messing with mares you like.” She said irritably.

I sighed. “I really wish it was that easy.”

“It is! Just stop being a buckhead!”

“... I’ll try.”

“Do more than try.”

I shut up after that and we got to court eventually, though there wasn’t a case for me to weigh in on. Twilight was still upset with me over the events of the night before and Nightmare Night was happening, so I had to get my Haunted House set up outside of town. I already knew just what I wanted to do with it, so I invited Sound Digit and Tender Care to come with their older son if they wanted to have a good time with a good scare, but Digit was still afraid of me and Tender was still pissed, so she told me ‘Go buck yourself’ and left it at that. Twilight told me that my Haunted House was going to be a horrid flop, but I still had high hopes for it since I’d gotten the word out amongst the guards and a few Operatives.

We closed up shop for the day and I went to find a perfectly good spot of open land in which to erect my house. I picked a longhouse with a few halls and rooms that would stop people from progressing too quickly, making for a pretty decently sized run through. There were thirteen rooms in all, but only a few unlucky people would get to face three of them in particular. I loaded up my haunted house with realistic animatronics of all kinds. From Pony zombies, to intangible ghosts that would swoop down and leave you feeling like you just caught a breeze. There were also a few slightly scary Dragons that blew bubbles (I was feeling whimsical) and I’d even made a room full of bodies that were pretty obviously fake. I made sure that the fake blood I drenched most of the house’s walls with was a little too bright to be mistaken for the real thing and did a walkthrough for myself to check and see if the jump-scares were good. All in all, I would say that it was half-decent, but I’d really toned things down for my target audience. However, the three rooms that could only be accessed by using the wrong door in the eighth room were all terrifying as shit, but I doubted that anyone would want to touch a door with a rabbit skull for a handle.

I put up a giant flashing sign with an arrow attached that said ‘Max’s Haunted House’ on it and sat out on the porch dressed in my costume. I’d decided to go with a typical devil costume since I figured that it wouldn’t be too scary, but the few people that came by didn't even know what I was supposed to be. After giving instructions to my first three groups, I sat back and listened to some screams that were all too real for me to just relax, so I went into the house to find out what the fuck was going on.

I breezed through the house and found a group of three mares huddled together, stuck in the first room bawling their eyes out. They were all huddled together as my animatronic zombies ambled about, not really… Well, they weren’t really doing shit, to be frank. They weren’t really even getting close to the women on the floor, but they were still stuck and I couldn’t convince them to move on, so I shifted us out and they all ran off without taking the consolation candy. Of course, I still had two more groups to go see since they hadn’t come out. My sensors would have went off if they had, so I went back through the house and found my next group in the fifth room, this time it was mostly guys. They were terrified by the ghosts that dropped down and whisked right through them, so I asked them before I shifted them out if they wanted any consolation candy and they just begged to leave so they could go home. I shifted them out and didn’t bother seeing them off, travelling deeper. I felt that my last group, the group of guards, had fucked up in the eighth room and when I strolled on through, I found them stuck in the second of the three worst rooms. They’d gotten past the fountain of blood with various races chained to it as the bright red fluid flowed over them, but when I got into the room where I just went crazy with the entrails and gore, I found that I had to shove them off of the fucking door so I could get inside. They practically trampled me as they tried to go back through the first room, but the doors lock as you go.

When they realized they weren’t getting out, one of them started hyperventilating until I came over and shook him straight. I told each of them that they should be proud that they made it so far and offered to give them the grand prize for doing better than anyone else so far, but they just wanted out like some bitches. I shifted them out and made my haunted house disappear shortly after. Nightmare Night had only been in full swing for an hour, but I was already prepared to call it quits. Ponies really are some punk bitches, but I wasn’t expecting them to be that fucking bitch-made. It made me wonder if the fourteen people I’d let in were going to have nightmares or something because of it, but I just shrugged it off and went home.

After I went out and got some fucking candy, of course.

I didn’t see any of the girls while I was out and about, and when I got home, Twilight was nowhere to be found, so I had myself a bowl or two of something good and green. I wondered if I could actually make things up to Tender Care, but I was more worried about Twilight’s happiness in general. I smoked two more bowls when I started thinking too much, and when I was nice and stuck, I just put my head on my desk in my study and did nothing. I eventually got up and went to bed, but Twilight still wasn’t back. It was more than a little lonely, and I hadn’t gotten so much as a hug from her all day. It was enough to keep me awake all night, and when breakfast came, I felt like shit. There were multiple obvious reasons for it, so I’m not going to list them here, but when Sound Digit and Tender Care came in for the day, I asked Tender to grab my paperwork from my office and bring it to the Court Hall so I could do it as I took over Twilight’s job for her.

My day sucked, Tender fell asleep again, and Digit was still fucking scared of me because reasons. I didn’t bother waking Tender up until there was only an hour left in the normal court proceedings, but when I did wake her, she didn’t say anything to me and pretty much ignored anything I said to her. I didn’t blame her at all, and when Digit let me know that there were no more cases slated for the day, I still had paperwork I had to finish. It was mostly just stuff pertaining to my haunted house, which I suppose I earned for not heeding Twilight’s warning.

After I sent Digit and Tender home, I shifted to Twilight, but she told me that she didn’t want to see me and advised me to go home, so I did. I didn’t eat dinner because my appetite had faded shortly before breakfast, so I tried to go to sleep. I laid in bed for the rest of the night, wide awake, yet exhausted in a way that made no sense to me. I knew that I needed to either sleep or eat to keep my head on straight, but I’d missed my chance to sleep and breakfast came back up minutes after I choked it down. Digit expressed some concern when he came in, asking if I’d slept at all the night before, so I checked myself out in a hand-mirror and saw that there were bags under my eyes. I told him it was my second night without sleep, but that I would be fine as long as I kept myself busy.

Fancy and Onyx came by to ask me if they were going to be covering me for that day as well and I hated to ask it of them, but I needed them to pick up my slack while I was taking care of Twilight’s responsibilities. Tender Care was still upset with me, so I told her to go and do whatever Fancy or Onyx needed her to do while Digit and I handled court for yet another day. After court had closed and no one was supposed to be visiting the Castle, Applejack and Rarity came in to talk to me about Twilight.

After we got greetings out of the way, Applejack asked, “Are you okay, Sugarcube? Ya look like ya haven’t slept in a few days.”

“That’s because I haven’t. I’m assuming you’re not here purely on a social visit?” I asked tiredly.

Rarity nodded. “We’re here on behalf of Twilight.”

“Great.” I said.

They winced. “... Max, I ain’t really tryin’ to butt into your business or anything, but ya sound like ya did when you were depressed.” Applejack said softly.

“I’m tired and Twilight’s gone. Things suck right now.”

Rarity coughed. “About that... “

I sighed. “I already know. Twilight’s been trying to flirt around.”

They winced again. “We just thought you should know.” Rarity said softly.

“She’s just trying to hurt me at this point.” I replied at the same volume.

“Well, puttin’ her on punishment for a little lie was a little mean, Max.” Applejack reasoned.

“I can list eight times off the top of my head where she’s put me on punishment for weeks for less.” I snapped. “Twilight’s being a fucking child right now.”

Applejack gave me a pleading look. “Can’t you just take her off punishment?”

“She never extended the courtesy to me, so I don't see a reason to give it to her. If Twilight wants to make her mistakes, then she can fucking deal with the consequences when they come.” I growled.

Rarity sighed. “We realize that you’re upset, but this-”

“When will you realize that I’m the fucking victim!” I ended with a roar. “Twilight wronged me!”

Applejack made a placating gesture. “And we’ll try and talk her down from makin’ that one big mistake, Max. We’ll say whatever we gotta to make her stop her nonsense, but you need to get some sleep, take some time to get your head right.”

“Without Twilight here to pick up the slack, I can't. Someone has to run Arcadia, and if Twilight’s not here, then that person is me and me alone.” I said bitterly.

Applejack and Rarity traded a look. “... So Twilight’s just dumping all of her work off on you on top of… Ya know what, never-buckin’-mind.” Applejack sneered. “Twilight’s catchin’ an earful when I find her.”

“She’s at Spike’s.” I said.

“Thank ya kindly. Like I said, Max, try and get some sleep.” Applejack gave me a quick hug.

“I’m writing a letter to Cadance first. It’s about time I pulled out the big guns.” I muttered.

“I think that might be for the best. If I can’t get to her, then I’m sure that Cadance will.” Applejack said confidently.

I nodded. “That’s what I’m counting on.”

Rarity nodded. “Too true. Twilight respects Cadance quite a bit.”

“I know. Can you two go stall Twilight from doing the stupid now?” I asked, trying to
lighten my tone.

Rarity came in for her hug. “We will Darling. I don’t know if you’ll know once we get her settled down, but I’m sure that you’ll get some peace of mind from it.”

“Here’s hoping.” I sighed.

They took their leave after that and I went back to Digit and Tender Care, both of whom seemed a little worried about me this time around. Still, when I addressed both of them, I was sure to thank them for being so patient with Twilight and myself while we were going through a rough patch. It was really a miracle that they’d both stayed so long, especially with things running how they were, but I was more likely to keep them around and give them better bonuses for dealing with us and our bullshit.

Tender Love asked for a word with me and her husband went home to go take care of their kids. “Boss, far be it from me to stick my nose into your personal life again…?” She tried cautiously.

I shrugged. “If you think you can give me some advice, then I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear. I’m tired of drowning.”

“... So why was Twilight so upset with you in the first place?” Tender Care asked.

I took the time to explain the full situation to her in great detail and when I was done, I asked, “So what do I do? I can’t punish her, I can’t hit her, I can’t let it go. She’s just making mistake after mistake at this point.”

Tender Care mulled it over. “My advice? No more punishments. Period. You stop punishing each other, you do good night kisses regardless of how you feel, you do good morning kisses regardless of how you feel, and you sleep in the same bed regardless of how you feel. What you two need is to get back to the basics and Twilight needs to earn your forgiveness for dumping her work on your lap, trying to cheat on you, and running away like a foal. If you want, I’ll happily back you up, should you need me to.”

“... May I give you a platonic hug?” I asked shyly.

She gave me a small smile. “Keep your hands somewhere decent or I’ll find some way to make you suffer for it.”

I pulled her in for a relatively short hug and let her go with no funny business. “No problems here. Thank you, Tender Loving Care.”

“Please, you don’t have to use my full name.” She tittered.

“Of course. Thank you, Care.” I gave her a smirk.

She coloured slightly and gave me a small smile. “If I didn’t know any better, I might think you’re just being nicer because you’re hurting.”

“I tend to be a prick when I’m hurting. That’s why I messed with you so much on the first day we worked together.”

Tender’s eyes widened. “That was why you felt so disingenuous until you started laughing! You were hurting and taking it out on me!”

I flinched. “Yeah… Look, Tender, I’m sorry about that, but I-”

“Say no more. We’ll wipe the slate clean as of this conversation. I’ll just pretend that you opened up to me in the first place and that none of this little nonsense ever happened.” She gave me a heart-melting smile.

I felt my face warm up and I looked at her shoes. “You have good taste in hoofwear. I think the matte black goes well with your skirt.”

“Are you just complimenting me, or are you hitting on me?” Tender asked tentatively.

“It’s a little bit of both, honestly, but I was mostly trying to get you to ignore the blush on my face.” I said truthfully.

Tender gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You’re still too young for me, but I can appreciate a good compliment. Can I ask what made you blush?”

“Your smile.” I said bashfully.

“... That’s so unbelievably cute!” Tender gave me a hug and my face warmed up further before I pushed her away.

“I’m not cute! I’m handsome, dammit!” I protested.

She pinched my cheek and gave me another smile. “I don’t think I thought it was possible for you to stop being a buck head, but now that you’re being all shy, I think I might just stick around and see if I can get you to keep blushing!”

“Shut up, Tender.” I muttered.

Care laughed melodiously and I sent her home shortly after, preferring to get a letter written out to Celestia and Cadance in turn. Cadance wrote back and said that she would handle Twilight, and Celestia said that she would be over shortly to give me another bit of advice for dealing with my wife since I wanted to know what I could do and how to go about doing it. Celestia came by an hour or two later, and when she pretty much gave me the same advice Tender had given me, I wasn’t all that surprised or disappointed. Celestia wanted a kiss for her advice and some snuggle time that I gave her readily. Celestia’s comforting presence almost put me to sleep, but I was too tired to fall asleep so easily, if that makes any sense. Still, I gave her an hour-long tummy rub and she invited me to come to Canterlot for some tea, but I had a feeling that we would probably end up making a mistake, so I denied her suggestion and sent her home with a bottle of brown liquor for Luna.

Cadance teleported into my study while I was writing a new book based off of my life in Equestria, and when she marched up and slammed her hands on my desk, I was expecting to be yelled at. “Max, I hit Twilight.”

I hadn’t been expecting that.

“... Why did you hit Twilight?” I asked, lost like a kid in a mall.

Cadance set her jaw. “I caught her trying to flirt with some stallion, and when he put his hands on her like she was some cheap hussy, she barely even reacted! I couldn’t just let her go and hurt you like that!”

“Let me see your hand. The one you hit her with.” I said stonily.

She presented her right hand, palm up. As she was cringing away from me, I used my True Theft to reach across my unnecessarily large desk and flicked her palm. Cadance cracked and eye open and saw that I was packing my pipe. “... Is that it? You’re not going to yell or anything?”

“You stopped Twilight from making a mistake that would hurt me to the core of my being. I can’t really punish you for that, but I have to hit you back for hitting Twilight. You see where I’m coming from, yeah?”

“... Twilight’s really doing a number on your heart right now, isn’t she?”

“She’s taking her best stabs, and it hurts more than anything.” I lit up and puffed a few times.

“She’s not actually going to cheat on you, Max. If she was, you would have stopped her to save your relationship anyway. You’re just letting her think that she’s getting somewhere so she can feel like she’s doing something.” Cadance surmised.

“Spot on, Taffy Tits. Do you want a kiss or a hug as a reward for figuring it out?”

Cadance tapped her cheek. “I think I’ll take a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug if you’re not too picky about it.”

“The best of both worlds, yeah?” I chuckled and rose to give Cadance her preferred bounties.

She received them happily. “If you ever need anything else, I’ll be happy to come and help, Max.” Cadance gave me a gentle smile.

“If you could convince Twilight to come back home, that would be even better.” I sighed.

Cadance stole a legitimate kiss from me that I let her have. “Then I’ll claim my reward and be on my way. Love you, and I’ll see you later, Max.”

“Love you too, Taffy Tits. Take care and tell Shining that I’m sorry about his arse again.”

Cadance blushed and rolled her eyes. “You know he’s upset that he doesn't even remember that, right?”

I shrugged. “What can I say? I’m too amazing to miss.”

“You’re almost too conceited to kiss.” She deadpanned.

“Almost, but not quite.” I chuckled.

Cadance gave me a peck on the cheek before teleporting out, so I shifted to Twilight’s side while invisible and found myself in our room. She was sitting on my side of the bed (the left side) holding a picture of us and the girls while crying softly. I could see Cadance’s handprint on her face and as she wept, I couldn’t help but feel justified. When I let myself become visible, Twilight glanced at me and put the picture down slowly.

“Max… I-I-I… I’m…”

I regarded her coolly. “You did your damndest to hurt me in a way you know I would never forgive you for.”

“... I’m so sorry.” She just barely managed to choke it out.

“You’ve been shirking your duties, slapping me in the face metaphorically, and acting like a child. What are you going to do to make it right?”

“Anything! Anything you want! I’ll do it, I swear!” Twilight cried.

“Good. So far, here’s what I want.” I conjured up a chair and sat down in it, facing Twilight head on. “There will a good night kiss every night, regardless of the day’s events. We can both teleport, so distance is no issue. There will be a good morning kiss at the beginning of every day, regardless of whether or not we went to bed angry, or if we’re having a bad morning. There will be a kiss after coffee in addition to the morning kiss, and there will be a hug before we do our duties for the day. Do you have any objections?”

Twilight shook her head. “... No. Everything sounds reasonable.”

“There’s more.” I said, my tone low.

She gulped and nodded. “I… I can’t really say anything right now…”

“Damn straight. In addition to mandatory affection, punishments are abolished. There will be no more punishments, no more spiteful slash hateful acts, and no more holding out on sex because of silly bullshit. Arguments will last a maximum of three days, and if we are still angry after that period of time, then there will be a mandatory hour of cuddling and scrapbooking. Cuddling, not snuggling. We are both well aware of the difference, so you should be assuming that if either of us withhold consent concerning more than innocent touching, then it will not be happening.”

Twilight cleared her eyes. “... We should’ve done this a long time ago. The punishments were stupid in the first place.” She said softly.

“They were your idea.” I growled.

Twilight flinched. “... That sounded pretty hateful…”

“You did your best to stab me in the fucking back, Twilight Sparkle. I know you feel the pain you’re putting me through, so don’t you fucking pretend like I don’t have every right.” I snarled.

She held herself, her face a perfect picture of distress. “... I’m sorry.”

I rose from my chair and made it disappear, letting myself stand in front of Twilight. I took her chin in my hand and lifted her face so that she was looking me in the eye as I leaned down. “If you cheat on me, I will kill that man in front of you, and his blood will be on both of our hands. Am I understood.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “... I-I understand…”

“What do you understand?” I asked.

“I-If I cheat on you, you’ll kill the man I do it with.”

“And?”

“... I’ll have to watch it from beginning to end.” Her voice shook and more tears fell from her eyes.

I nodded. “I don’t want to scar you like that, and I’ll do everything in my power to prevent you from cheating on me, I promise you. If I have prior knowledge before you commit the act, I’ll stop you.I will not allow you to make that choice.” Something rose from my Solar Plexus to my throat and my next words weren’t necessarily my own. “I swear on the River Styx that I will commit crimes against humanity to stop you from ruining what we have.” My voice rang with divine finality, an oath spoken from the heart.

Twilight looked at me, confused. “... Why would you promise me something like that if you’re never going to let me hurt you so badly?”

“To make sure you understand the lengths I’m willing to go. I love you too much to let you keep spitting in my face whenever you get upset.” I said, my tone low.

My wife couldn’t look away. “If I do hurt you… Please hurt me ba-”

I shut her up with my lips, kissing her fiercely, making sure that every point that I’d come up with getting across the ‘bridge’ just fine. Twilight was hesitant to return my kiss and tried pushing me away, but that just made me get more aggressive, making our teeth touch uncomfortably once or twice. Twilight eventually stopped her meager attempts and gave in to my kiss, and after I’d gotten my fill, which took a good amount of time, I let her go and hugged her tightly. Her breathing was a little constricted from the tightness of my hug, but she returned it with equal fervor, starting to cry all over again. We met for another tear filled kiss, and from there, we had some snacks for unknown reasons. I don’t even fucking understand why, but I do know that we both felt infinitely better after we’d gotten off multiple times.

My last memories of that night were of Twilight holding my head to her chest before I fell asleep, both of us grabbing each other a bit too tightly, but it was worth it to have my wife in my bed again. We both made more promises to each other before finally getting some sleep, not bothering to take care of the wet spots before we slipped off into our respective dreams.

The few days I’ve recorded so far were definitely worthy of being written down, but the next few days are pretty interesting too. I’ll probably pick them up here in a little bit in another collection since this one has gone on for a good while. The fifty-eighth entry was long as fuck anyway, so let’s try not to do that again.

I suppose that’s all for now.

Author's Notes:

I like taking shots at myself. It's fun.

As Always, Tune In For More Dargun Narwhal Z

stay Cool, Kids.