I woke up disoriented like I’d just spent the night drinking whiskey from a boot shaped glass that was to scale, but when I got a good look at where I was, I relaxed and laid back down. I was in Twilight’s bed, though the woman herself wasn’t present, which was probably due to the fact that the Sun was already up. She’d gotten me incredibly high last night and the last thing I really remember doing was looking up at ther as she ran her fingers through my hair on the couch. I wasn’t complaining, though I did wish that I’d been able to enjoy that moment for awhile longer. Sure, there would most likely be another just like it in time, but I treasured the time I got to spend with my wife-to-be more than anything else in my life.

With thoughts of Twilight dancing and twirling running through my mind, I got out of bed and did some stretching before heading downstairs. I thought it would be nice for us to do some dancing later in the day, so I kept the question on the tip of my tongue as I wandered downstairs, but when I got halfway down, I realized that she wasn’t in the house. I couldn’t hear her heartbeat or familiar breathing pattern anywhere nearby, though I could hear Spike’s and someone else’s coming from the living room/library combination. I headed back upstairs, found my boots next to the bed and put them on because what the fuck else am I supposed to do with boots? Put them on my fucking head or something?

I came back downstairs, making sure to step loud enough to be heard without actually stomping so I wouldn’t catch Spike doing something he was probably entitled to do while Twilight wasn’t home. I had a sneaking suspicion that he’d been snogging someone since his heart was hammering in his chest and the other person’s was as well, so when I knocked on the wall before entering the library, I couldn’t help the shit-eating grin on my face.

“Sorry Spike, ‘Bloom. Am I interrupting something?” I asked, knowing quite well that I had.

“N-No! N-N-Nothing at all!” Spike stammered with his hands in his lap.

Apple Bloom was looking at the floor. “Heard ya were back in town.”

“It sure would seem that way. Sorry to kill the mood, but do either of you know where Twilight’s gone?” I inquired.

“Mood? There’s no mood!” Spike assured me.

I gave him a knowing look. “Right. Again, sorry, but where’s my purple piece of perfection?”

Apple Bloom wore a little smile. “I dunno, but mine’s right here.”

Spike turned bright red. Well, a brighter red. “Twilight went to go talk to Applejack for a little bit.”

“Guess who’s not going over there.” I muttered to myself. More loudly, I said, “Thanks, Spike. I’ll get out of your… Well ya don’t really got no hair, now do ya?” I said in a ridiculous Southern accent.

Apple Bloom took offense. “Hey! I don’t talk like that!”

I raised a brow at her. “I never said you did. Conscience of the guilty perhaps?”

She gave me an odd look. “What?”

You know what? Why not? “Where are you from?”

“What?” Apple Bloom asked.

“What? I ain’t never heard of a place named ‘What’. Do they speak Equuish in ‘What’?”

“...I really feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

I nodded. “We did and it was hilarious. For me, at least. Tell Twilight I went Canterlot to go bother Luna for a little bit if she asks.”

Apple Bloom gave Spike a pointed look. “See? Max tells ponies where he's going before he just up and leaves.”

Spike glared at me. “Thanks, Max.”

“Why don’t you two go back to kissing and leave me out of your troubles?” I smirked.

They both blushed and I knelt, touching my shadow and falling into it. I rose in Luna’s room as I’d wanted and did some more stretching since I hadn't gotten my shoulders to pop like I’d wanted to when I first woke up. When I got my two favourite joints for the day ready, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness in Luna’s room and started stalking around until I ran into a chair. I felt it up like it was a cheerleader and I was an American soccer player before moving on to the wall behind it and tracing my way around the room that way.

I ran into plenty of things, but I never made much more than a slight bump while I was in ‘Thief Mode’. Eventually, I felt something soft that was about waist high and figured that it was Luna’s bed, which turned out to be the perfect thing to hide under for a little bit. I didn’t really have a prank in mind, but I was quickly coming up with one as I formed the Warbling Blade into the shape of a stiletto. I made incision after incision into the space above me until I could see a lovely lattice that was luminescent lacing the entirety of the underside of Luna’s bed. It actually cast just enough light to see by, and when I decided to go for it, I rethought my decision and drew a large spiral that was absolutely chock-full of Dark Magic. Once I was finished with that, the spiral glowed brighter than the rest of the runes I’d made and I felt a mischievous grin split my lips. I wasn’t sure if I should leave it for my next visit…

Nah. Imma poke it.

And so I poked it. The sheer force of the wind made my eyes water and my jowls flap, but the best thing was the sound of Luna panicking on her way to the vaulted ceiling of her room. Her shrieks were absolutely delicious and I was laughing up until I heard her bed hit the ceiling. I quickly realized that I hadn't thought this through all the way and scrambled onto my knees so I could Shadow Dive into the Court Hall behind Celestia’s throne. There went two out of my three uses, but I was certain that I could convince my former lover to protect from me from her sister. I was about to round the throne when I heard angry clopping coming toward the front of my cover, so I sat down behind it and locked eyes with a Day Guard in the back of the room. I lifted my finger to my lips and beckoned him closer, willing him to move silently. As Luna ordered everyone to leave the courtroom, I sauntered over to the fellow and flashed him the seals on the Warbling Blade.

“Don’t sell me out, mate. I’m Maximus, the Duke of Ponyville.” I whispered.

He tilted his head but kept his voice down. “I’m Silver Storm. We’ve met.”

“Oh. Sorry for not remembering you, it’s been awhile.”

“Why is somepony still here!?” Luna boomed.

“Before you get us both killed! Go!” I whispered harshly.

Silver saluted and flew out of the room because he’s a pegasus and can do that, and once he was out of the room, Luna started again. “Sister. Time and time again, we have pulled pranks on each other, but we had a truce for Maximus’ homecoming! I cannot believe you would betray your word only a day after giving it!”

“Luna, my dear sister, when have I ever willfully broken my word to you?” Celestia asked, sounding offended. “I assure you that I did not prank you or pull any manner of practical joke.”

Uh oh. I had one more Dive left, and if I used it now, I’d be screwed if they came after me later. Then again, If I stayed here, they would know immediately that it was me, so my choice was clear. I knelt down and Dived once more, popping up behind the chair I usually did in Twilight's living room and I caught an eyeful of some fooling around that I didn’t want to see.

“Max!?” Apple Bloom shouted.

“Dude!? What the buck!?” Spike yelled.

“I’m not even looking right now!” I clapped hand over my eyes. “I’ll forget this ever happened if you don’t rat me out. I saw nothing, I heard nothing. You saw nothing, you heard nothing!” I scrambled out from behind the chair and raced up to Twilight’s room before I could get a response. My boots were already on the floor and I was under the sheets when I heard a soft pop, but I was doing my best to relax and sent myself off to the mindscape as fast as I possibly could. Celestia making a noise with her throat was the last thing I heard before I felt myself stand upright and was set on my feet. When I opened my eyes, Noir was shaking her head at me.

“You know you are not getting away with this, right?” She asked.

“It’s been a valiant effort. Is Celestia trying to rouse me?

“She is about to, and Luna is standing right next to her.” Noir conjured an hour glass that had sand rapidly flowing from the top. “Once this is empty, you will have to leave and use your acting skills to the best of you ability.”

“...We have like, three minutes at the rate that’s going.” I commented.

Noir shrugged. “I could give you a lazy handjob.”

I gave her a look. “Seriously? I’m pretty sure I’m not getting any harder in the next hour. It would be hard to get me from flaccid right now.”

Noir grinned. “What? You do not like seeing your little brother get some action?”

“That’s not going in my journal. I don’t want to think about it.”

“I could make it a reality here~” Noir teased.

I closed my eyes and opened them before yawning and stretching. I actually needed to stretch again since I was so taut from my earlier tension mind you. I’m not just stretching all the time for no reason. I blinked a few times as if to clear the sleep from my eyes and rolled over like I was checking to see if Twilight was in bed, and when I saw that she still wasn’t, I sat up and scratched my head before stopping in the middle of the motion and turning to look at the Diarchs.

“...This is so fucking creepy.” I muttered.

Celestia crossed her arms. “Max, have you been in Canterlot today?”

“Hun, I literally just sat up. Where’s my purple piece of perfection?” I asked.

“I don’t know, and I feel like you’re dodging my question.” She glared at me.

I raised my brow at her. “You wouldn’t know if I was really trying to dodge your question. Can I get a cup of coffee before you start grilling me? And how would I even get to Canterlot and back before you guys? I can’t fly, nor does my magic do that.”

Luna stepped forward, leaning down to smite me with her eyes. I booped her and she scrunched her nose up. “Sister, I don’t think Max is the culprit here.”

“Whoa now, I might be the culprit! What did I do? Steal someone’s heart? Put a finger in the wrong hole on purpose? Mule-kick Twilight when she put a finger in my butt?”

Luna rolled her eyes and Celestia sighed. “Someone blew Luna’s bed into the ceiling using magic.”

I furrowed my brows. “I don’t think I have magic like that unless you count the little stiletto thing I do with the Warbling Blade. Even then, I don’t think it’s ever been strong enough to do much more than knock someone over.”

Celestia nodded. “If it’s as you say, we apologize for accusing you of something you didn’t do.”

Luna mimicked her. “We know of your mischievous nature. Who else would have the nerve to prank a princess?”

I rubbed my head. “Fair enough, but in my defense, there are two other princesses that like to pull pranks of their own.”

Luna and Celestia traded a look. “Cadance.” They said in unison.

“Yeah, but where’s Twilight? We never get out of bed until the other wakes up.” I said, shifting the blame onto my lover. In fairness, I knew for a fact that she had an alibi.

“It’s nine in the morning. You’re sleeping a little later than you usually would.” Celestia pointed out.

“...Why do you know my sleeping habits?” I asked, thoroughly creeped out.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.” She replied evasively.

“I’d very much like this question answered, thank you.”

Luna coughed. “If it is all the same to you, I’d like to find the person who broke my bed.”

Oh shite. “Can’t you just fix it with a spell?” I asked.

“I already did. That does not change the fact that I am losing precious sleep over investigating this matter and I will not rest until I find this troublesome trickster.” She said stubbornly.

I sighed and swiveled out of bed before putting my boots back on. “Might as well help you find ‘em. I don’t think I’ve got anything else to do in the meantime, so let’s get to it, yeah?”

Luna nodded curtly. “Let’s.” She turned to Celestia. “You are welcome to join us if you’d like to avoid Day Court for a while longer. An assault on your sister would be a perfectly good reason to play hooky for the day.”

Celestia tapped her chin. “Sounds like a plan to me, Moonlight.”

Luna grinned. “So be it, Soleil.”

They changed into their alter egos and adjusted their heights and outfits to match. I just stayed as me since I’m not magical like they are. “So can we stop by my house real quick so I can nab a shower? I’ll take you ladies to breakfast as a treat.” I offered.

“We ate not even four hours ago.” Soleil pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. “The shower part still stands. I guess I can grab a bag and stock up on fruits so we can move while I eat.”

“We would hate to be seen with a filthy heathen who doesn’t even know when to bathe.” Moonlight said gravely.

“Thanks, blubbery. I’ll be sure to make it quick.” I deadpanned.

Moonlight’s neck grew red. “I am NOT blubbery.”

“What? I could’ve sworn I said blue raspberry.” I checked my nails.

Soleil shook her head and Moonlight hit me. “You’re a terrible man who says terrible things.”

I rubbed my arm. “You’re an unsexy woman who does unsexy things. Like hit people.”

Moonlight went to hit me again and I stepped closer to give her a quick smooch on the cheek. “Abuse later, shower now, if you don’t mind.”

She rubbed her cheek, pretending that she could get my affection off of her face without a washcloth and bleach. “Impudent brat.” her horn lit up and we appeared in my bedroom, so I went and picked out an ash grey shirt to go with some lighter denim trousers. I didn’t let them see the boxers I picked out for modesty’s sake and went to go get showered, taking my usual amount of time because I’m not trying to make anyone wait longer than absolutely necessary. When I came out, my hair was still a bit damp and I was still trying to brush through it when I noticed that Soleil and Moonlight both had mild blushes on their faces.

“Alright, who’s been looking at my scrapbooks?” I asked, annoyed.

“Max, are you aware that it smells like a stallion in here? Not you, but another STALLION.” Soleil emphasized.

“Yeah, I let Twilight turn into a guy and fuck me while I was Roxy.” I said casually, levitating my brush back into my bathroom because I’m allowed to be lazy sometimes.

Soleil grinned and Moonlight rolled her eyes. “We had a bet going. Moonlight bet that you’d decided to try a stallion as Max and I guaranteed her that Twilight was involved.”

“I’m never going gay of my own free will. I didn’t even like being fucked as a woman.” I said disdainfully.

“And yet you’re so eager to stick your member into anyone that crosses your path.” Moonlight huffed.

“Anyone except you, babycakes.” I winked at her and shot her some finger pistols.

She looked offended. “What? I thought you showed interest in me!”

“Twilight told me that I couldn’t see you anymore, so there’s that.” I shrugged. “It’s nothin’ personnel, kid.”

Soleil gave me an odd look. “Moonlight is older than you and don’t you mean ‘personal’?”

“I know what I said, Sunbutt.”

She glared at me playfully. “Are you saying my flank is hot?”

I opened my mouth before pursing my lips. “I’m not letting you get me into trouble. I’ve told you how I feel in the past, so remember that and pretend I said it now and let’s go grab some food from the market, yeah?”

Soleil rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. There were dozens of soft pops as different breads, fruits and a large plate of scrambled eggs appeared on my bed. “Or we could have you eat here and we could go find Twilight after you eat the eggs.”

I shrugged and started eating with my hands like a savage. Once I cleared the eggs from the plate, Soleil teleported it away and I dumped my satchel full of clothes, electronics and pens out onto my bed before filling it with fruit and bread. Once I had as much as I would need to be full, I had her teleport the rest back to where it came from so I could get to munching. The fruit was fresh and the bread was still warm, so that was fucking lovely.

We departed from my house on foot and I used the Pathfinding enchantment on my necklace to locate Twilight. There was a faint purplish trail leading toward somewhere, so I followed it while snacking and asked Moonlight what exactly had happened with the prank. She told me that someone had cast either a powerful gust spell or that they had levitated her bed into the ceiling so quickly while spinning it like a tornado that it had broken the posts of her bed when it crashed into the ceiling, squished her into her bed, and then dropped her like a sack of potatoes back onto the floor. She’d had her doubts that Celestia would do something so destructive, which is a part of the reason why they’d both been so sure that it was me.

I pretended to be offended and said that I’d never willingly do something so destructive for the sake of a joke, which was almost true. There was the one time where I’d set off an entire meter long roll of firecrackers off under Will’s hammock for Chinese New Year and that had earned me a few good punches, but I kept that story to myself, just in case I wanted to do something to Luna again. I made a mental note to ask Pinkie if she could find me a lot of firecrackers one of these days and settled on later today, if I could pull off another two Shadow Dives without getting stuck in the Shadow Realm that is.

We actually caught Twilight on her way back from Sweet Apple Acres and she didn’t seem very happy. She had her exasperated face on and that was enough to sell Moonlight and Soleil on her innocence right away, though they still asked her if they knew of someone that would pull a prank like the one I’d pulled on Luna. I gave her a wink from outside of the Diarchs’ field of view and she immediately blamed Pinkie without hesitation, but when the nature of the prank was explained, Twilight told them that she didn’t know of many Unicorns that could use magic like that. I mentioned that we might be looking for a Pegasus or something since I still don’t understand their magic very well, but I was quickly told to stop being dumb.

Eventually Moonlight and Soleil suggested that they go back to the scene of the crime to see if they could analyze the residual magic in the air and get a lock on who had cast the spell from there, so the four of us went to Canterlot and appeared in Luna’s room, much to my dismay. I didn’t let on that I was dreading our arrival or being caught, but when their search turned up with nothing, I found myself oh so sad. So very sad. Too sad for words, you know. It was just a shame that we couldn’t find the culprit of such a heinous prank, though I played off my elation rather smoothly. I asked if there was absolutely anyone else with the stones to pull off such a prank, but the only person they could think of that would be willing to stop by and just pull a prank would be Discord himself.

I offered to get us some lunch since my satchel was empty after all our walking and I got stares from Moonlight and Soleil. I don’t think they’d been expecting me to get through it all in the time it took us to find Twilight, and when I mentioned that not being able to sit down and eat at my usual pace had just made things feel like they were getting burnt up that much faster, Moonlight asked me if I was feeling okay. I told her that other than being a little chilly that I was fine, but that made all three of the princesses look rather worried. Apparently it was quite warm for being so early in the day, so I checked the thing on my breast that was supposed to make me cold and found that it was glowing.

Once I saw that it was, I asked Moonlight if she would mind taking care of the emotional numbness thing. I was actually pretty surprised that I hadn't been feeling particularly depressed or dead inside, though Twilight did mention that I didn’t seem as animated as I once had. I shrugged it off and we went back to my house so we could get started, and when Moonlight enveloped me in her magic, I started feeling like I usually did, although it was like things were just feeling fresh again.

Up until I thought about what I’d done on Earth, I was fine.

I managed to keep ahold of myself through the worst of my panic attack, but I was rather torn up about what I’d done to over five hundred fucking MILLION people while thinking I was doing the right fucking thing. Instead of being kind on the fence about it, I was leaning toward me being the biggest prick on the face of Earth, which I’d already thought I was, but now it actually MATTERED TO ME. Luna and I had been sitting on my couch and I just looked at my hands when we were through. I couldn't bring myself to meet Twilight’s eyes, but when I found Soleil’s, I asked if we could drop the disguises for a little while.

Celestia looked at me, worried. “Max, something’s obviously weighing on your heart.”

“How are we supposed to live with ourselves after doing what we’ve done?” I asked softly.

She sighed and Luna took over. “You make your peace with it any way you know how. You confide in a friend and find peace there, or you talk to a lover and throw yourself into sexual pleasures until you fill the hole in your heart.”

“...I don’t think I want sex right now. It feels like I need to get something off of my chest, but I know all of you already know what I did. You understand why I did it and to a certain point, everyone in the room agrees that I did the right-ish thing. I just feel like… God, am I fucking EVIL.”

Twilight was by my side in an instant but when she went to touch me, I shied away, not even looking at her. My lover’s knowledge of when to smother came in handy because she traded seats with Luna and levitated me to the backless part of my sectional so I could lay my head on her lap. I didn’t feel like I deserved to touch her at the moment, but I couldn’t Shadow Dive away and I didn’t want to hurt her, so I tried rolling over onto my side to avoid looking at her some more, but she held me fast with magic.

“Max… You did something bad for a really good reason.” She started stroking my hair like she’d done last night. “The way you explained it to everypony made sense, so why do you feel so bad about it now?”

I still refused to meet her eyes and waited a moment before answering. “My Seal has been going off since before I left Equus. I don’t think I realized just how numb I was feeling.”

I could hear the worry in her voice. “You seem normal when you’re around me.”

Celestia coughed. “It HAS been two years, Twilight.”

“Or Max may be healing in your presence slowly but surely.” Luna offered.

I felt Twilight’s hand on my bicep and my own lifted to find hers. The contact made me feel a bit better, so I looked up at her and she gave me a little smile. “Is that true Max? Well, do you know if it is?”

“I always feel like I’m at my happiest around you, cherry”

She stopped stroking my hair to kiss her fingertips so she could place them on my forehead. “I missed your sweet side.”

“I’d say I missed yours, but I think I missed your sinister streak a little more. Remember when we teased Nurse Redheart that one day?” I asked.

Twilight blushed and looked at Celestia. “Not really, though I remember that you said something perverted to her.”

“It was the other way around, cherry. You told her that she should try loosening up the back door if she was breaking fingers when people tried putting them in there.” I squeezed her hand.

She turned bright red and looked at the other two princesses. “...Okay, I can’t lie and say I didn’t say that, but she WAS yelling at Max for something or other.”

Celestia and Luna chuckled. “You’re both some ridiculous people at times, you know that?”

I held Twilight’s hand to my face. “It’s how the best people are on occasion. You can’t be ridiculous all the time.”

Twilight gave me a droll stare, so I looked around and saw that I was getting them from every woman in the room. “Oi! Can we go back to being sad instead of just staring at me with those lustful eyes?”

Twilight flicked my forehead. “The only lustful eyes you should be getting are from me.”

“Actually, I would like a turn with Maximus.” Luna said.

“Run it by Twilight.” I replied.

Celestia huffed. “I swear, I don’t know if it’s because you’re promiscuous or if it’s just that you like royalty.”

I reached up absently. “Twilight’s royalty now, so she sates my fetishes for someone purple AND someone royal.”

Twilight covered my eyes. “What about if you couldn’t see? Anypony could use magic to sound like me-”

“Nope, I know what you feel like. I’ve committed you to memory.” I cut in.

There was silence and Twilight teleported out from underneath me. I sat up and saw three different magical auras push me back down before a blindfold was placed over my eyes. I let them know that I was rather uncomfortable with being blindfolded until I was quickly assured that there would be no below the waist contact if I wasn’t okay with it. I said that we would see about it if the game continued and so we started. I totally didn’t cheat by looking, though when I felt Celestia’s hand on my face, it was thrown out there as a possibility, so a wider blindfold was added to the one I already had and Luna was checking to see if I was using magic. I was not, so the game continued.

Celestia came up again and placed her hand on my chest, but I could tell by the size of the hand and her heartbeat that it was the white one. Twilight came up next and brushed my cheek with the back of her hand and I guessed correctly, so after thirty seconds, Luna came over and I guessed before she could even touch me by her scent alone, though in her defense, her specific smell was always a little stronger than anyone else’s. They asked how I’d known and I told them that Luna smelled pretty good on her worst days, so they used magic to stop me from smelling things and they started all over again. I never did tell them that I could hear their heartbeats because I didn’t want to be completely deprived of my senses.

When we moved on to kissing, the first person to go was Twilight and I kissed her for awhile since I’d known it was her. I let Celestia and Luna have their turns until I felt their lips change shapes, confusing me slightly. They all felt like Twilight, to be honest, so I spent a little longer kissing them to figure out who I was dealing with once their heartbeats started sounding more similar as well, but the moment tongue was involved, I knew who was who. Twilight was aggressive since she was trying to be possessive, but Celestia was aggressive because of her experience. Luna was rather passive, and when I got everything correct, the blindfolds were removed and my sense of smell was returned to me. Two of the Twilight’s in front of me seemed a little annoyed, but one was pretty smiley and I assumed that she was the one I was supposed to be kissing the entire time.

The other Twilight’s turned back into Celestia and Luna respectively and my Twilight sat next to me before giving me a kiss on the cheek. I held onto her hand and the other princesses came up with lame excuses as to why I’d been able to suss them out, like that my lover and I just spent too much time kissing or that they themselves were just too experienced. I told them that Celestia was too aggressive in the wrong way and that Luna just didn’t want me enough, which were words that got me hit for some odd reason. I don’t know what that reason was, so it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it at all.

The next thing we did was play some billiards, though it was a brutal couple of rounds. Luna and Celestia were fucking phenomenal and Twilight was as good as she always was, so when we teamed up to play a few rounds, it wasn’t that much of a surprise when Twilight and I lost. The Diarchs had known the guy who’d created the game on Equus and played it from its conception while Twilight and I didn’t have anywhere near their experience. That being said, Twilight and I were holding back for the first couple of rounds so we could sharp the last few. As it turned out, Twilight had only gotten better in my time away and I had to rely on muscle memory to get my spin archs off correctly and my jumps were well calculated. Celestia was still a savage with a stick in her hand, however, and when I flubbed a shot, she ruined any hope of Twilight being able to get our last ball in. My lover pulled through, however, and shot a jump ball clear across the table that nudged our last ball in and lined up a shot with the eight-ball perfectly. Everyone in the room accused Twilight of cheating including myself, but she said that it was a legitimate shot and I had no choice but to believe her because that’s my girl right there.

Twilight sank the last shot and Celestia told me that if we were done cheating, that we could take care of some business since there were three princesses and a Duke in the room. Apparently I’d lost my titles when I ‘died’, so it was just going to be a couple of days of Celestia and Luna preparing my coronation, though why I{ needed an official coronation, I didn’t know. I asked them why I was being rewarded for doing something that I’d only done because I was emotionally damaged at the time and Celestia’s response was that she fully believed that I would make calls no one else would have the stomach to make. I understood her reasoning well enough, but I pointed out that I’d only agreed to become a prince while I wasn’t in my right state of mind and she just shrugged, telling me that she wasn’t going to bother with the paperwork required to nullify the preceding paperwork regarding my princehood for a second time, so I was just going to have to deal with it. That, and the cogs were already turning with Cadance and Shining coming down from the Crystal Empire to see their favourite brother-in-law and temporary lover be turned into a prince. Shit was mad gay, yo, and I didn’t want to deal with that shit, but I’d shoved my own foot up my arse, and you’d better believe I was kicking myself from the inside out.

With my foot firmly planted in my own anus, I made sure to wiggle my toes around until I could feel them coming through my throat by bitching about every little thing until Luna muzzled me. I whacked her with my tentacle a couple of times until I formed my tentacle into a thin little cane and started spanking her, making her finally lose her concentration enough to let her magic go. I started bitching some more and TWILIGHT, my own lover, muzzled me again, telling me that while she loved the sound of my voice, she hated hearing me complain like I was Rarity. I thought angrily at her, asking why she never muzzled that twat too and she must have picked up on my thoughts because she told me that she’d muzzled Rarity four times in the past two years.

I gave her a hug, but when Twilight returned it, I picked her up with my tentacle and slapped her arse hard with my hand because I approve of muzzling Rarity, but not of muzzling me. She yelped adorably and I felt the muzzle get tighter, so I put her back down and gave her another hug. She pushed me away this time, glaring at me like it was going to make me feel bad or something and I chased her around with open arms for awhile as Celestia and Luna chuckled. She ran out of the parlour to escape my love and I followed her around the house, though we kept it at a light jog to avoid breaking anything in particular. When we were getting up the steps, Twilight was too slow to avoid me, so I grabbed her and threw us backward, coiling my tentacle under us so we’d have a soft landing, though she still panicked and levitated us in mid-air until she realized that it was unnecessary.

Twilight asked if I was crazy and I told her that I really was, but only for her and her beauty, which made her blush and curl up in my arms, upping the adorableness factor even further. I put us down in the living room where Luna and Celestia were chillaxing after watching us run about my house like a couple of children and they relinquished the couch to us so I could keep teasing my woman. Celestia received a note while we were talking about the pros and cons of wing massages since I was currently giving Twilight a mild one and she told everyone that Cadance and Shining were officially in Canterlot. I told her to invite them over to my house, but Celestia said that she was going to have to go and take care of things in Canterlot for awhile before they could come over. Luna said she wanted to get some ‘bucking sleep’, and once they were gone, Twilight had a question for me.

I was feeling up one of her wings when she asked, “So was it you that pranked Luna this morning?”

I chuckled. “Who else? Cherry, you should’ve seen the bottom of her bed: absolutely covered with my Dark Drawings. They even made the underside glow so beautifully before I set them off.”

Twilight’s wing flared out and I got a mouth full of downy feathers. “That’s just evil, Max! I bet you tried pushing the blame to me!”

I pinched one of the joints on her wings and she shuddered. “I sure did, but that’s only because you had an alibi in the form of Applejack. What did you go over to see her for anyway?”

“I wanted to see if I could use my Friendship Magic to remind her of why you two were friends in the first place, but Applejack needs a combination of my magic and Cadance’s to make her see reason.” Twilight sighed.

Your magic is basically mind control just like hers anyway. “I say we should just let her come around on her own. You know how AJ can be better than I can-”

“Which is why I’m going to ask Cadance if we can visit Applejack once you’re done fondling my wings.”

I scoffed. “Have you had a chance to feel these things? Not happening anytime soon, cherry.”

“You say that like I’m going to complain. It’s even better than one of you back rubs.” Twilight sighed.

I took a wing in each hand and squeezed the largest joints gently, spreading them out so I could kiss her neck. “We might have time for the thing that usually comes after the backrub if we hurry.”

She closed her wings, much to my dismay. “If that’s what you’re after, I’m going to need you to keep your hands to yourself.” She crossed her arms.

I made sure I wouldn’t be putting too much pressure on her wings and wrapped my arms around hers. “Why so cold, cherry? I’m sorry I wasn’t being considerate of your feelings when I tried shifting the blame for my prank onto you, but I knew for a fact that it wouldn’t stick.”

She turned her head away from me. “No. It’s not going to work.”

“It’s not supposed to work, I just want you to stop being mad at me now. We can worry about your knickers being on or off later, but right now, I just want you to know I’m not trying to be an arse.”

“You’re an ‘arse’ either way.”

I wiggled my face through her wings and pressed my lips against the base of her neck, but I wasn’t kissing her. I knew for a fact that just breathing on her clavicles drove her crazy in all the right ways, and though there wasn’t much exposed, I could still reach a bit of them with my warm breath. Twilight began fidgeting on my lap and I held her close, thanking my quick thinking for allowing me to slip between her wings. She smelled absolutely wonderful, like a sweet wine with a touch of shortbread that was just delectable. I knew Twilight smelled faintly of wine whenever she sweat, so I assumed that our little romp through the house had made her do so a little bit, but I found the scent intoxicating. I felt her throat vibrate and nuzzled my face deeper into her neck as if I could find the source of her scent within, but when she started shuffling her wings against me, I snapped out of my reverie and held my head up.

Cadance waved at me and Shining was looking at me with a distinct disapproval. “Wotcher. How long have you two been standing there?”

“Long enough.” Shining said drily.

Cadance beamed. “It’s nice to know that you still love Twilight just as much now as you did before you left.”

Twilight got off of my lap and sat next to me. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for two minutes, amour.”

“Sorry. You smell wonderful, by the way.” I said casually.

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” Twilight muttered unconvincingly.

I grabbed her hand and she let me have it. “If it gets me a little more time next to you, then I’ll never shut up.”

Shining coughed. “I need to talk to you, Maximus.”

I begrudgingly let go of Twilight’s hand and sighed, rising from my seat. “I’ll be right back, cherry.”

She grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckle before giving me a little wave goodbye. “Don’t take too long. I was having fun.”

I smiled at her and looked to Cadance. “Keep an eye on her for me, will you? If someone comes and tries to snatch her, blast them with something other than Love Magic.”

She nodded. “I could always make them fall in love with Twilight to bring you a little competition.”

I shook my head sadly. “It’s a shame I would be willing to cheat to reclaim Twilight’s heart.”

Shining glared at me. “You’re doing an awful lot of talking to ponies who aren’t me.”

“That’s because I don’t want to talk to you, brother dearest.”

“Too bad. We’re talking one way or another.”

Twilight and Cadance glared at him, but Twilight was the one who spoke. “Keep in mind that Max has Alicorn Magic. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re not talking.”

Shining looked a lot less sure of himself, but I didn’t feel like estranging my brother-in-law. “Come on, mate. Let’s just hear what you have to say.”

I lead the way into the kitchen, grabbed the same bottle of bourbon that I’d been getting drunk on two years ago and thought better of continuing with that specific brew. I had Shining grab two tumblers and fill them with ice and we headed into the cellar so we could pick out a good whiskey or something to drink so we could talk like men. Shining was fond of scotch like Fancy, though his father and I shared a fondness for bourbon. We ended up going with scotch because I’m nothing if not accommodating and from there, I let him start the conversation.

“Alright, bruv. Say your peace so we can get back to our ladies, yeah?”

Shining sipped his drink. “You were supposed to take Blueblood’s titles.”

“I was.”

“Why didn’t you? Why wait until now?”

I took a deep breath. “I didn’t want the power. I have the funniest feeling that it’ll corrupt me, but now, I’ve given it some thought, and if I have Twilight to keep me as humble as a Prince of Equestria can be, I think I can deal with it. I still don’t want to be a prince, but while I was back on my home planet, I learned that I’m a decent leader. I have a knack for picking worthy administrators and I think through things well enough to make decent decisions. Celestia herself has told me that while I’m brutal on occasion, I’ve got a good mind for the task. I can make calls that no one else has the stomach to make, and I have the funniest feeling that she’s not just going to let me be a figurehead.”

Shining looked at me. “If you don’t want to be a prince, then why be one?”

“I’ll be one when I marry Twilight anyways.” I said solemnly.

He nodded. “If you’re good at choosing servants and stewards, then you’ll have a good foundation. Making tough calls is a big part of it, but I’m worried about you being brutal-”

“Luna’s a lot more brutal than I am. Our darkness is similar, however.”

Shining glared at me. “You’re not a prince yet. That’s still treasonous to even think.”

I’d been looking at the ice in my glass, so I turned my gaze to Shining. “What do you think Celestia would do to me for saying that? Lock me up? Strip me of my titles? My house? My land? Celestia loves me too much to punish me without good reason, and saying harsh yet true words isn’t a good enough reason for her to come after me.”

“What would LUNA do to you for saying that?” He challenged.

“Nothing. She knows it’s true and she isn’t the kind of woman to come after someone for saying true things.”

“You say that like you know them better than I do. You’ve been gone for two years-”

“And I was never one of their subjects. I show them the same level of respect they show me, if not a little less. They like that about me, you fucking fool. Get it through your thick head that I’m a gilded pet to them that likes to nip on occasion and you’ll have a decent understanding of why Celestia and Luna allow me to get away with half of what I do.”

Shining glared at me and put his drink down. “I’m really tempted to see if you’re as strong as Twily says you are. Don’t think I’m going to forgive you for leaving her just because she did.”

I glared right back. “Celestia and Luna were taken over by a being stronger than your comprehension and were forced to send me away. I didn’t want to go, and no one wanted me to go. I didn’t choose to stay off of Equus for two years; that decision was made for me. I only spent a month on my planet, Shining, and if you want to blame me for something outside of my control, then I’ll be happy to shove my foot up your arse and show everyone just how sick and fucking tired I am of people throwing fault at me for shit I couldn’t do anything about!” I finished with a roar, breaking my gass, though I hadn't even been touching it.

Shining and I stared at the shattered glass and slowly turned to look at each other, both of our chests heaving. We rose slowly and Shining took his outer jacket off, placing it on the chair he’d been sitting in. I gave him a little space and started stretching, doing high knees and limbering up in general. We turned around to prepare as we pleased, and after a minute or so, we turned around simultaneously and took up our stances. My southpaw unarmed stance that Noir had taught me reminded me of Muay Thai and Shining’s mid-guard was reminiscent of a typical kick boxer’s stance. We were both trained, but the main difference was that Shining had been trained to hurt, to detain. I’d been trained to maim, to kill.

When we locked eyes, I started running scenarios of what he would do, but before we could close the distance and clash, I heard the door to the cellar open and Twilight called from the top of the stairs.

“Max? BBBFF? Are you two okay?” She asked loudly.

“Perfectly fine, Twily.” Shining replied evenly.

“Just having a drink. We’ll be up in a mo’, cherry.”

“...Are you sure? My necklace is telling me that you’re-”

“We’re mincing words. We’ll hash things out.” I replied, cutting her off.

“If you say so…” She said more quietly.

Shining and I had never broken eye contact, and when we heard the door close, we struck. I leapt into the air, stepping off of the low kick he sent my way to send a knee into his chest, but he blocked it readily. As I was falling, we traded body blows with out dominant hands and once I hit the ground, we threw jabs to get a read of each other’s reach. Shining’s arms weren’t as long as mine, but he was stockier than I was, so I was sure that his blows would have a bit more oomph behind them, so I made sure to give him a low kick out of the blue.

He grimaced at the blow, but he didn’t flinch, per se. I’d never had the training outside of my mind to make my body as strong as it was inside, but I knew my techniques well, so I was going to have to rely on them to get me through. Shining gave me little time to think with a high kick that came a bit slowly, giving me time to duck low and upset his balance, but he’d been expecting me to go underneath and changed the direction of his kick mid-flight. I took the blow on the shoulder and tapped into the pain to send a hard gut punch his way, swinging with his kick and redirecting the force like Noir had taught me. I scored a glancing blow against his ribs, but I was inside his guard no, so I held onto his leg and dig my best to work his gut with punches.

My efforts made me a little progress until Shining drew his leg out of my grasp and tried for a single hoof buck. I threw myself backwards since Pony hooves are fucking brutal when they buck and rolled back onto my feet, giving us some distance to charge at each other. When we clashed again, Shining threw a textbook mid-kick at me and caught it at his thigh, opening myself up to a flurry of punches that just didn’t hurt that much due to the adrenaline running through my veins. With his leg firmly in my grasp, I did what Noir told me to do if I was fighting with a Pony who knew how to use their legs and sent Shining straight into the floor, mounting him.

His guard was tight, but I wasn’t aiming for his face. I pounded away at his funny bones until he could barely control his arms and THEN I went for his face, beating the slobber out of his mouth like I’d wanted to for months. Granted, we’d had an understanding, but Shining was angry enough with me to come to blows and I was fucking fed up with people making me shoulder blame for things I had no control over. Every blow I rained onto his face was fierce, though, I wasn’t trying to break anything. I’d actually been going rather easy on him, but I needed to work out some frustrations, though those thoughts went straight out the window when he threw me off of him with magic.

Something bubbled up from deep within and words spilled from my mouth that I didn’t recognize, though they did somewhat remind me of something Noir had said once, and when I saw that Shining’s horn stopped glowing, I figured that she’d borrowed my tongue to make him cease his faggotry. He got back to his feet rather shakily and I stood, trembling for different reasons. Shining threw his fist out and drew it toward him twice, egging me on, so I came closer and we circled each other slowly, but Shining made the first move this time, coming in with a big Superman punch that I met with a brutal cross-counter. He fell to the ground and I gave him a little space. His teeth had cut my knuckles, so I licked them to clear the blood from them.

Shining got back to his hooves and I shook my head at him. “We’re done. Before I cause something permanent, we’re stopping.”

“You hurt Twily.” He growled.

“It wasn’t my choice.” I replied with steel.

“Like I care.” He stumbled toward me, but I backed away, and as I was doing so, I felt something shove me from behind, making me catch a fist to the face.

Disoriented, Shining hit me with a savage combo until I got my guard back up and started throwing knees into him, making him back off. I tasted blood in my mouth and spat angrily, ready to end the fucker until I heard the door to the cellar open again.

“Max?” Twilight called out, coming down the stairs.

I glared at Shining and he glared back, both of us a bit out of breath and bloodied. We kept up our staring contest until Twilight gasped, teleporting between us with her hands outstretched. “What the hay have you two been doing down here!?”

“Mincing words.” We replied simultaneously.

“This isn’t arguing! This is fighting!” Twilight cried.

Cadance came down the stairs shortly after Twilight started yelling and joined Twilight in standing between Shining and I. “Really, you two! Both of you are supposed to be Princes of Equestria and here you are fighting like school colts! What do you have to say for yourselves!?”

I spoke first. “I never would have left if I had a fucking choice.”

Shining made a derisive noise. “Doesn’t make you any less guilty.”

“Are you serious!? Shining, you thick-headed, dim-witted, foal! Do you think I would have forgiven Max if he’d chosen to stay away for two years!? Do you think anypony ever would have!?” Twilight yelled. “You’re just being mad because you never liked Max in the first place!”

Cadance put a hand on her shoulder. “That’s not true, Twilight. Shining is angry because you were so lonely while Max was gone and he couldn’t help you. That’s why he’s taking it out on Max.”

I spat some more blood out of my mouth and tsked. “Whatever. We argued. We fought. Now we get the fuck over it like men.”

“We didn’t settle this at all!” Shining snarled, starting toward me.

“Sleep!” I commanded.

Shining fell like a sack of potatoes and Cadance raced over to catch him. Twilight folded her arms and affixed a lethal glare in my direction. “Why didn’t you just do that from the beginning!?”

“One gets tired of being blamed for shit.” I replied tersely.

Twilight walked over and was about to slap me when she thought better of it. “I’d hit you, but it wouldn’t do you any good, now would it? That’s now how mature adults handle things, now is it?”

“That’s how men handle things. If Shining wants another go, I’ll give it to him.”

“I’ll leave you if you fight my brother again.” Twilight said, her voice sharper than a diamond blade.

I set my jaw and looked toward Shining Armor. Cadance was glaring at me herself. “Wake up.” I ordered.

Shining came to in a moment. “What? Why am I on the floor?”

Cadance turned her glare to him. “Max did what he should have done when the fight started.”

Shining gripped me with magic, so I spoke again. “Cease!”

Everyone in the room stopped moving because I hadn't directed it. I picked Twilight up with my tentacle and walked over to where her brother and Cadance were before putting her back down. I pointed at the princesses and said, “You two can move. I didn’t mean to catch either of you.”

Twilight actually did slap me this time. “Maximus!”

My mind went fuzzy. “Hit me again. I fucking dare you.”

She went to do so and I licked my finger before sticking it straight up her nose. While she was gagging, I squatted down and looked Shining in the eyes. “Incite another fight with me and your muscles will not listen to you. You will not be able to strike me with your fists, hooves, or magic. You will not ask someone to fight in your stead, nor will you order them to.”

I rose and turned to Twilight who had tears streaming down her face as she held her nose. “Are you happy now? I refuse to hit someone who literally can’t fight me, so it’s taken care of.”

She didn't reply and kept retching, so Cadance took over. “Did you just use Dark Magic on my husband to- To-!?”

I looked at her. “For the sake of physical peace between us, yes. Yes I did.”

The taffy colored princess narrowed her eyes. “I’m not sure if I should be happy that you stopped your little quarrel or mad that you used forbidden magic to do it.”

“Por que no los dos?” I said in a bored tone. Looking back to Shining, I said, “You can move now.”

He hopped to his feet and drew his fist back to hit me before his arm dropped. He tried to use magic and I saw his horn fizzle and spark. “You’re a bastard!” He shouted.

I dug a finger into my ear and inspected it while Cadance held his arm. “I know. Just be happy I didn’t maim you or something.”

He started walking toward me and didn't stop. When he made contact with me, I swiveled around and hip checked him lazily. I wasn’t going to fuck with him, so I let the guy try walking into me as long as he wanted to until Cadance grabbed his arm.

“We’re going to have a long talk. I imagine you and Twilight are going to have a similar one.” Cadance informed.

I nodded. “I’ll see you later, Cadance.”

“Until then, you infuriating, pig-headed Human.”

She left and Twilight was still sputtering and snorting, so I stopped her in her tracks and licked her face straight up the middle, making her scrunch her nose up in that endearing way she always does. She wiped her face off and picked her nose, wiping a bogie on my shirt, which was fucking gross, but it made me laugh at her because she was just glaring at me at this point.

“Max, that was bucking disgusting! I can still smell your spit!” She complained.

“That’s what you get for being a hypocrite, Miss ‘Mature Adult’.” I drawled sarcastically.

Twilight wiped her nose again. “I despise you so much right now. I don’t even want to look at you.”

“Close your eyes so we can bicker in peace, then.” I suggested.

“I can’t believe you actually fought my brother.” Twilight said, pure disappointment evident in her voice.

I sighed. “You can only be pushed so far, cherry.”

“I know, but I expected you to be above that by now! I expected him to be above that!” Twilight groaned.

I grabbed a bottle of something in an ornate bottle that I only had three of, though each was different. I was pretty sure that it was absinthe, so I shrugged. “You wanna have a drink and talk about it?”

My lover gave me a droll look. “Are we going to ‘mince words’?”

“I’d never actually fight you. Spank? Yes. Fight? No.”

Twilight sighed and levitated the bottle from me and read the label. “Absinthe? Isn’t this supposed to be hallucinogenic?”

“If it’s supposed to be a hallucinogen to Ponies with your ridiculous constitution then I’m willing to bet that it’ll be fun. We’ll start small and build up, yeah?”

She just gave me a look. “I’m livid that you fought Shining. Drinking isn’t going to make that any better.”

I raised a brow. “I never thought that it was. My hands and face hurt and I’d like something to numb the pain since I doubt you’re going to do it for me.”

She rolled her eyes. “You can deal with it. You lied to me.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about. “Mincing words has a different meaning to those in the know. I didn’t lie.”

“Do I really have to ask what you mean every time you say something?”

“We’ve been through this.”

“Which means it’s a shame that you’re still a buckhead.” She spat.

That smarts… “Sorry.”

“Is that really all you have to say?”

“I’m apologizing for making you upset, not for my actions. I-”

“Shut up, Max.” Twilight shook her head. “It’s like every other sentence is a load of hot air, and I’m not willing to put up with it. I meant it when I said that I would leave you for fighting Shining again.”

“I’ve made sure that’s not an option.” I said softly.

“How would you feel if somepony restricted what you could do?”

“I’m more aware of that feeling than you’ve ever been or ever will be.”

“You’re guilting your way out of this.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“Since you’re not trying, does that actually mean that you’re assuming that you’re succeeding? Can I really trust what you’re saying?”

I shrugged. “I guess I’m just one untrustworthy son of a bitch, now ain’t I?”

“Alright, now you’re trying to guilt me.” Twilight said firmly.

I spread my hands. “And you see the difference immediately.”

Twilight made a noise of disgust. “I’m going home. Have fun, ‘Prince’.” Low blow... Really low blow.

She took my liquor with her, so I grabbed another bottle and started drinking on my way upstairs. This is why I hate people. People make shit so complicated for no fucking reason, and when they do have reasons, they’re fucking stupid. Shining is stupid and Cadance is okay, but Twilight is stupid for not being with me right now. God I miss her… It’s only been a few hours, but it feels like days. Maybe being lonely is worse than I thought… I’m gonna go visit Noir for a little bit and see what she has to say about the situation.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I visited Noir and she sobered me up long enough to tell me that drinking wasn’t going to help my heartache any and that I wasn’t really all that justified in fighting Shining Armour. Sure, I had a good case, but she thought I should have fought him long ago for Twilight’s hand in marriage, but then again, Noir is weird sometimes. After telling me that, she let me go back to being drunk and coddled me for a little while, shrinking me down so that I was around two-thirds of a meter tall. Noir held me in her arms like I was a child, which was weird since I’d had my dick in her, but I don’t really remember what happened all that well since Noir refuses to un-blot those hours from my memory. I think she pretended that I was the child she never got to have, which is sad in more ways that I would like to comment on. However, when I left, she sobered me up long enough to thank me for coming to see her in my time of need and sent me away shortly after.

I opened my eyes on my couch and continued drinking so I could maintain a buzz. Well, it was more than a buzz, but still. The only reason I remember so much of the next few hours is because of Noir’s influence on my memory, which is rather nice when you want to catalog things that happen. Speaking of things, I remember thinking with an odd clarity that drinking the pain away wasn’t going to help anything, so I tried to Shadow Dive to Twilight’s house while drunk a few times and eventually I managed to drop into the Shadow Realm only to be thrown out by Noir for being dumb. I rolled around on the floor for awhile because I couldn’t really stand and kept my hand on my necklace, wishing that Twilight would come by and tell me that she wasn’t really mad at me, that she’d just been upset in the moment, but she never came.

After a while of not being able to reach the bottle of whiskey I’d put on my stupidly wide coffee table, I was eventually able to stand up and stumble my way up to bed, though I took the whiskey with me. I had just made it into my room when I heard someone call my name from downstairs, but I was too drunk to make it down safely, so I told whoever it was that I was upstairs. They didn’t answer, so as I was about to stagger down the stairs, I saw that it was Cadance. I gave her a wave from the top of the stairs and almost fell down them, but she caught me with magic. Luckily for me, I saved my bottle of whiskey and only spilled a few drops on my way down, so I had a celebratory sip and offered some to Cadance when she brought me to her.

Cadance took one whiff of me and fanned her face. “Max, you reek of liquor.”

“It’s a liquor kinda day, love.” I slurred.

“Your talk with Twilight went poorly, didn’t it?”

“She don’t wanna see me!” I said angrily. “I don’t blame her.” I flipped a switch and went to being sad.

Cadance shook her head at me. “Drinking isn’t going to help you at all, Max.”

“What? No, drinkin’ is the best thing for me!”

“It’s really not. If Twilight isn’t around, do you just fall apart?”

“Yeah! That’s why I like her!” I raised my bottle. “To cherry!” I was about to chug it when Cadance took it out of my hands, but I didn’t realize it until a few seconds later. “Oi!”

“You’ve had enough. Is there somepony you’d like to go see for the night? Maybe one of your friends?”

“I wanna go see Twilight!”

“Twilight isn’t available right now, sweetie. Is there someone else?”

“I wanna see me Mum! She’s blue!”

Cadance laid a hand on my shoulder. “And who is your mum, sweetie?”

“She’s Blue!”

“You said that.” Cadance said patiently. “I need to know her name, Max.”

I got sad again. “Max died.” I sniffled.

“No, you're Max, sweetie. Where’s your Mum? We need to find her so she can put you to bed.”

“I don’t wanna go to bed! I wanna see Twilight!” I objected.

“You can see Twilight after we see your Mum, okay? I just need to know her name so we can go visit her, okay?”

I reached for the bottle of whiskey, ignoring her words completely until she sighed and picked me up with her magic. Cadance was kind enough to levitate me to the couch and stick me there for a little while before she teleported away, though she left my bottle of whiskey on the coffee table to keep me occupied for a little bit. I doubt she knew that the cushions on my couch were only held on by velcro straps, but I knew that, and by the time she came back with Blue, I’d cleared the rest of the bottle and was flat on my face.

“Oh dear Celestia, my baby!” My Mum cried.

Cadance unstuck the cushions from my back and legs so Blue could hold me. “I-I didn’t know those came off!” Cadance said quickly.

“It’s okay, Your Highness. My Max is an adult, and if he’s making mistakes like this-”

“Mum! I lo~ve you!” I slurred.

“I love you too, baby.” Blue replied before kissing my temple. “He’ll be okay in a few hours. He told me that he can’t stay drunk for long, so I’ll just wait for awhile until he sobers up or falls asleep. Thank you for coming to check on him, Your Highness.”

“It was no problem. My husband started all of this, but if you know of a way to sober him up more quickly, I need him to undo his magic-”

I giggled. “Silly Po~ny! I don’t have magic!”

Blue chuckled. “It’ll be awhile before any sobriety spell I can cast will have any effect on him. Twilight could rouse him, but…”

I sat up and the room started spinning, so I fell back into Blue’s arms. “I wanna see Twilight.”

“She doesn’t want to see you right now, baby. Maybe tomorrow, okay?”

“No! I wanna see her today!”

Blue’s voice turned from kind and motherly to ‘Don’t fucking backtalk me.’. “I said tomorrow.”

I curled up and she patted my shoulder. Cadance coughed. “I’ve got to admit, that scared me a little.”

“You’ve got to be firm as a mother, Your Highness. Max isn’t the type to bowl over a nice pony, but he’s not in his right mind at the moment, so he needs the extra ‘oomph!’.” Blue explained.

I’m sure Cadance nodded wisely. “I see, I see. So why does he react so well to you ordering him around, but not anypony else?”

“I’m his mother, Your Highness. He accepted that I would push him around when he allowed me to call him my son.”

“You know, Max calls me Cadance. I’d like it if you called me Cadance too.”

Blue tensed up a bit, making me look at her. “Taffy Pony!”

“...Did he just call you ‘Taffy Pony’?” My mother asked.

“It’s better than his other nickname for me.” Cadance chuckled.

“Do I even want to know?”

I giggled and Cadance knelt beside me. “It’s goofy and I’m pretty sure it’s sexual.”

Blue sighed. “I didn’t raise him Your- Er, Cadance. I just look after him these days.”

Cadance let me play with her hair for a little bit, though she seemed surprised that I could braid while drunk. “I’m sure having him drop off of the face of Equus for two years was hard on you.”

Blue tensed up again and held me tightly against her bosom, so I held onto her hand and relaxed against her. “... It was like losing my first son all over again.”

“I… I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories for you. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t worry, Your- Cadance. My baby is back and he’s shown me that I was wrong to doubt him in the first place. All I needed was a good slap and some love from him-”

“Wait, don’t tell me Max hit you!” Cadance exclaimed.

Blue set her chin on my head. “He did, but it was something that I needed. If he hadn't shown me that he was real, if he’d just cried or left instead of causing me pain, I don’t know if I would’ve come back from the brink.”

“...I didn’t know Max was so close to losing you.”

“I didn’t know I was so close to losing myself. Before he came back, I was a shell of a mare and I’m still picking the pieces up, but knowing he’s here makes things so much easier. I wonder how he’s going to react when I tell him that I even got my stallion back.” I felt my Mum smile.

“Did you lose someone while you were…?”

“I did. My current beaux, Onyx Lock, couldn’t bear to stay with me while I was depressed. He knew that if he was going to stay around me, he was going to end up hating Max for something he didn’t know if our colt could even help. I hit him a few times for leaving me when I needed him most, but he made me a commitment that I couldn’t ignore. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment to tell Max.”

I pushed myself off of Blue’s lap and looked at her. “Don’t tell me…” My mind wouldn’t put the pieces she’d laid out together.

“No Max, I’m not going to get married to Onyx Lock.” She patted my head and drew me back into her arms. It was warm.

“I see you have this under control. If there’s absolutely anything you need, you know my name.” Cadance rose, taking her hair with her, of course. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Blueberry Tart.”

“Please, call me Blue. Most ponies do.”

“I’ll call you Blue if you call me Cadance.”

“I’d say it’s above my pay grade to make deals with Princesses, but I’m pretty sure that being the mother of a Duke affords me certain liberties.”

“Well, in a few days you’ll be the mother of a Prince of Equestria, so you’ll have a few more.”

I groaned. “I don’ wanna be a prince…”

“You’re already my prince, baby.” Blue kissed my temple. “Thank you for letting me know, Cadance. Am I invited to the coronation?”

“Of course! I’m sure Max would have told you himself had today gone better. If you want to bring Trixie along with you, I assure you that it’s no issue.”

I felt my Mum nod. “Thank you again. Now,” Blue started lugging me to my feet. “Let’s get you somewhere comfy for a little while, okay?”

I heard Cadance pop out and tried to stumble over to my couch with Blue, but I nearly fell over a few times, and when we finally got over to it, she was a little out of breath. “I swear, baby, you must be a little ball of muscle!”

I closed my eyes and tried to gather my wits. “Thank you for coming.”

She massaged my scalp. “What else was I supposed to do? Let my baby suffer so I could read the same book for the hundredth time?”

“I have books!” I said more loudly than necessary.

“Do you have the third book in The Lover’s Days Trilogy?” She asked teasingly.

“No, but I’ll write it!”

“Maybe when you sober up for a little bit, baby. For now, where are your books?”

“In my study.”

“And that’s upstairs?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be right back. Don’t be sick on anything, okay?”

“Bleh!”

Blue chuckled and lifted my head so she could go do the thing she said she was going to do. I stumbled around and hit myself a few times because I was drunk and couldn’t feel my face, though I eventually found my pipe and box of weed on the kitchen table. It took a few times and a lot of spilled weed, but I got a bowl packed and lit, so I puffed on that for a little bit, but I ended up coughing so hard I was sick in my kitchen sink. After washing it down and rinsing my mouth up, I started sobering up from the alcohol rather quickly, so I kept hitting the bowl until Blue came back downstairs. I brought my kit over to the couch and sat back down with her.

“Are you already feeling better?” She asked.

I slumped in the seat. “Not really, I’m just higher than I was. I’ll be asleep in a few.” I puffed on my pipe.

“Max, you really shouldn’t do this to yourself.”

“I know. I should’ve thought of what you would think instead of trying to run from my feelings.” I sighed.

Blue patted my leg and I laid my head on her shoulder. “Don’t expect me to sleep on the couch with you. There might be enough space for both of us, but my old bones can’t take it.”

“You’re not that old. I doubt you’re out of your forties.”

“I’m getting there.” She huffed.

Whatever she said next, I missed due to the advent of some sleep. When I fell into the Dreamscape, and I do mean that I fell, Noir and Luna were waiting for me in an unfamiliar room. There was a third seat at a table, so I got up off of my face after groaning my dissent. Once I was off the floor, they started filling me in on the conversation I’d missed and it was basically just that my True Magic was preparing to take its shape due to Noir speeding up time around it and its formation. Apparently, while in my mind, they could talk about God and such things, so my magic was no longer off limits. However, neither of them recognized my magic as anything other than what it was so they couldn’t really tell me about it, but they needed me to be coronated before they could allow me to have actually use for any real purpose.

I was confused as to why I needed to be a prince to get my new power and they just told me that it would soften the blow of me becoming something I still didn’t want to be, but I assured them that no power I could possibly get would make me any happier about becoming a prince. They pointed out that it wasn‘t supposed to make me happier and I called them both wobble twobbles, but neither of them knew what the fuck I was talking about and Noir couldn’t tell if it was nonsense or a purposeful abstraction of ‘twat’. Either way, they told me that Twilight wouldn’t stay mad at me long since Shining had been the one to start the bullshit in Luna’s opinion, though I did remember that I needed to cure him of the commands I’d given him. I was pretty sure that we’d both broken our word to our respective ladies regarding fighting each other, which was sucky.

Much to my surprise, they added a fourth and fifth chair for Celestia and Cadance to join us. They all gave me the same verdict regarding Twilight, though Cadance told me that my lover had been dipping into the liquor she’d effectively stolen from me when she’d teleported away. I shrugged and asked if Twilight was drunk when she left the Treebrary, but Cadance told me that she was mostly giddy and sad in turns. I was a little upset to hear that she was taking me fighting her brother so hard, but when Cadance told me that Twilight had only taken a few shots worth out of the bottle, I felt a little better and it was evident that Twilight was just tripping her tits off.

The conference of princesses and one former queen began in full and we started discussing plans that Twilight wasn’t supposed to know about. Noir’s knowledge of battlefield tactics was put to use and Luna’s updated battlefield experience was tempered with my modern knowledge, though I didn’t know much. Anything I knew was fully formed and explained by Noir while giving credit to the humans, and between the three of us, we came up with a decent game plan for The War, just in case things kicked off. Things were tense on Cadance’s front, but she was actually the least involved, and when I suggested that we use the Crystal Ponies as a last resort, she was a little loathe to place her people’s lives above anyone else’s, though Celestia reasoned that keeping them until last wouldn’t really be sparing them if Discord wanted a full World War.

Being a prince fucking sucks. I didn’t want to know about any of this. I really didn’t want to be one of the people deciding who would die first and who would live until the end, but there I was, giving my insight on who would be best suited to being on the front lines and deciding what kind of spells our Unicorns would have to use in the coming storm. I suggested that we use a few large gravity-warping spells to end lives, but the sheer magical power that would be necessary would be out of the range of seventy-five average Unicorns put together, and it just wasn’t an option because of the consequences of making a black hole. I suggested that we just get me a megaphone the size of a small ox and have me shout at the enemy to just roll over and die or to come to our side and that actually went over pretty well until Celestia reminded everyone that we weren’t actually going to be on the battlefield. I had a problem with that.

“We act as rulers, Maximus. We do not engage in battle ourselves.” Celestia put her words on the table and dared me to object.

I objected. “We are leaders. I may not speak for you, but I’m fucking immortal and our soldiers are not, so I feel like it’s our responsibility to use more than just our station to lead our people into the fray. I’ve spent months in my mind fighting battle after battle with Noir, and I can tell you from experience that directing soldiers isn’t my thing.”

Celestia steepled her fingers. “It will become your thing with some training. Don’t expect to do as you please as you do now, Maximus. You will be groomed into a proper prince, and you will not be putting your soul on the line, your very self, for the sake of this war.”

“Do you understand how incredibly selfish that would be? I can die at least two more times and be fine but our men and women in arms only get one shot. We are too strong to sit at home and direct while our soldiers are out there putting their lives on the line,” Celestia opened her mouth, so I raised a hand, “and I’m not saying that your only use is as a soldier, but I straight up don’t give a shit about tactics, Celestia. I slaughter until I can’t anymore. You’re a general, I’m a knight. We have different places on the battlefield.”

“So you’re saying that we should sally forth and risk our lives, allowing Equestria to fall when we do?” Celestia asked, struggling to maintain her neutral tone.

“No, I’m saying that we should be doing the sweep and letting our soldier pick up the pieces. We bring the big guns, and when we’ve done the heavy lifting, we fall back. That's what I’m suggesting. I know you and Luna have the raw power necessary to wipe a town off of the face of the planet, and I don’t know the recharge time, but if we save your power for the big battles and let our people handle the small ones, then we get. Shit. Done.”

Celestia and Luna traded looks. “...So you’re saying that we should be taking on the main forces? Maximus, that’s incredibly dishonorable.”

I raised a brow and crossed my arms. “All’s fair in love and war. As long as we don’t start killing innocents, we’re doing just fine in my book.”

Luna nodded. “I like it.”

Celestia folded her arms and glared at me. “Why would you assume we wouldn’t do that in the first place?”

“Because from the way you were talking, you want to be purely a tactician in this fight and that’s just not an option. If The War is going to be on a worldwide scale, then we need to be thinking of Rolling Thunder type tactics; blowing enemy forces out of the water so consistently that we demoralize them and they have to be forced to fight so that the later battles are easily won.”

Noir grinned widely. “Do you see why I am fond of him? His creativity and insight on the field of battle is quite pleasant. That and he is incredibly lucky.”

Cadance added her input. “I still think we should be focusing on taking Discord down before the fighting starts. Things will not be easy, but I have faith that the Elements will see through the guise he puts on in front of them-”

“Wait, Dicksword has already met the girls?” I asked in disbelief.

Noir was the only one who met my eyes. “He has killed you multiple times and altered the memories of the girls so that you were not present during their interactions. We cannot stop Discord until they see that he is truly evil.”

I slammed my fists on the table, fucking outraged. “When the fuck were you planning on telling me this!? We could’ve been working together to get them to see that he’s an evil fucking prick already!”

Noir shook her head. “We tried that. He altered their memories and killed you. Calm down.”

“I’d at least like to know that the bloody fucker keeps killing me!”

Celestia turned a doleful eye to me. “And how would you take that? He’ll alter your memories the next time he sees you anyway, so it’s rather pointless. We’re going into this war headfirst, blinder than earthworms and it’ll unfold however Discord chooses, Max. That’s the kind of battle we’re looking at.”

I groaned and slid my hands down my face. “Fucking Christ. If he’s been doing that and we don’t have control of it, then why are we even fighting at this point?”

Luna huffed. “Discord will do as he pleases. The only thing that’s keeping him from taking over the world again is his lack of ambition. All he wants is a war.”

“And we will win it.” Noir said with finality. “We may be forced to play his paltry game, but we will come out victorious in the end.”

There were nods from around the table and Celestia was the next to speak. “Tell us more about your plans to have us do the heavy lifting, Max.”

I leaned forward on my elbows and grinned. “Fire, first off. Lightning and rain next, not necessarily in that order. Arrow storms, flashing daggers, poison and poison powder. What strikes your fancy?”

Celestia and Cadance gave me a worried look, though Cadance was the one who spoke. “Max, you just said a string of words.”

“Pick a set that interests you.”

Noir raised a hand. “I will explain. Max is proposing that we use a massive fireball, one on the scale of a miniature Sun to eliminate the majority of an enemy’s forces. The thunderstorm he is proposing is one on an epic proportion with Pegasi raining lightning onto the battlefield and using mineral water as a conductor to electrocute the enemy. The arrow storms are self explanatory, though he wants someone to fly high above the battleground and fire volleys of them at the enemy, hundreds at a time at high speeds. The ‘flashing daggers’ are weapons controlled by telekinesis that would effectively be whirling dervishes of death in the ranks of the enemies, and the poison powder would be spread by Pegasi wearing masks over and enemies forces, allowing it to fall to the earth and causing sickness amongst the troops. The poison is mostly for suppression of enemy-”

“Noir, you’re forgetting about my friend.” I cut in. “I forgot about her too, but Starshine Nebula and a few well placed Changelings could poison all of the water supply and every bit of food our enemy has.” Noir and I traded devilish smiles and turned to view our audience.

Celestia looked grim, but accepting. Cadance seemed quite sickened, but Luna was giving us a slow clap. “Bravo! Simply wonderful ideas!”

I went for a fist-bump with Noir and she met it with an open hand. “Thank you, but this is only the beginning. We must decide where The War will be fought, if we are allowed to choose its location, and even then we must decide who will lead the majority of the forces, though I imagine that yourself and Celestia already have capable generals in place.”

Luna nodded. “We do. I have trained them myself.”

“Lovely, but we need to start getting our forces trained properly. The last I heard, the newest recruits in the Equestrian Guard were coming out soft, basically cannon fodder.” I said.

“That was two years ago, was it not?” Celestia asked.

“It was, but if the problem persisted, then we’re a special shade of screwed.” I replied.

“I’ll check with Night Light and Shoulder Boulder-” Celestia started.

I cracked up. “You fucking what?”

Noir whacked me. “He finds humor in the name ‘Shoulder Boulder’.”

I got looks from around the table, though Cadance was the one to ask, “So why is that?”

“Shoulder boulders are what you all have.” I chuckled.

Luna conjured up a tomato to throw at me while Cadance and Celestia were groaning. “How have you managed to sleep with three-quarters of the women here with your level of maturity?” Celestia asked.

I grinned. “It’s a part of the charm, I’m telling you! The child-at-heart rogue thing I have going on is equal parts endearing and infuriating.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “You’re a foal.”

“Am I young enough to breastfeed?”

She gave me a look that told me that I wasn’t and Celestia sighed, picking up where we’d left off. “If we can stop getting distracted, then I’ll check with Night Light and Shoulder Boulder,” She paused to glare at me, daring me to laugh, “and we’ll see where our recruits are and how they’ve been over the past two years. I’m sure all this peace has made our forces a little softer than we’d like.”

“If you’re taking suggestions, then let Luna and myself train them. I’m not terrible at teaching and I have Noir backing me up with thousands of years of experience that predates Luna’s. That, and Luna’s a fucking monster all her own.” I sent her a smirk.

Luna gave me a look. “That didn’t sound like a compliment.”

Noir shook her head. “It was. Maximus is well aware of your skill with the sword from the last time you two sparred. I would like it if you were to keep Max in the Castle for a few weeks to train him further, however. His mind is prepared for battle and his technique is sound, but his body is not up to par. If his techniques were less than they are, he would have lost to Shining Armor due to his physicality alone.”

“I don’t and I’m not going to like being away from Twilight for so long.” I stated.

Celestia waved my words aside. “She can visit you whenever she pleases, though I suggest you keep any conjugal visits to a minimum.”

“We still haven’t had actual sex besides the time she turned into a dude.” I pointed out.

Cadance’s ears twitched. “I thought you had a phobia of being penetrated?”

I smirked. “I fixed it.”

Noir gave a dark chuckle. “Vindication is a wonderous thing.”

The three current princesses looked at me and Celestia asked the question that they obviously wanted answered. “Max, how do you fix a phobia?”

“You break the person, place, or thing that caused it. In my case, I broke Chief Graham before I came back to Equus.”

Luna’s interest was piqued. “What do you mean when you say ‘you broke him’?”

I gave her a toothy grin. “I mean I sentenced him to pain beyond imagination for ten years and added conditions that would increase it by ten and twenty-fold with only a second’s relief.” I explained everything I ordered into his soul, and by the time I was done, even Luna looked a little worried. I’d repeat it, but as I went to start writing it down, my cheeks started hurting from the smile. They still hurt, but it’s a good pain.

Cadance would have been ill if she could be in the dreamscape and Celestia just looked horrified by what I’d done. Luna spoke this time around. “...That is easily the most evil thing I’ve ever heard of one person doing to another. It was well deserved, but I assure you that you no longer have any room to call anyone at this table evil in the future.”

I shrugged, still smiling. “What’s done is done. I can’t take it back and I’ll be damned if I ever do.”

Celestia put her head in her hands for a moment, covered her mouth for another, and then ran a hand through her hair. “Max, would you ever do that to someone else?”

“If they raped or killed Twilight or yourself, yes. Yes I would.”

Luna furrowed her brow. “I understand why you would do it for Twilight-”

I interrupted. “Actually, I’d make it worse if someone did either of those things to Twilight, but continue.”

She nodded slowly. “As I was saying. Why would you do it for Celestia?”

“Because out of the three women I’ve truly loved in my life,” I glanced at Noir, “romantically as in possible marriage candidates, Celestia ranks as number two.”

“He loves me, but the love we share transcends Equual identifiers. I am not a marriage candidate, nor will I ever be.” Noir clarified.

Celestia’s face tinged a rosy red and she looked me in the eye. “If that’s true, then how do you even look at me?”

Cadance sensed some unspoken tension. “I’m missing something.”

I gestured toward Celestia. “If you want to tell her, it’s up to you. I’m assuming you hid this from her for a reason.”

My former lover sighed. “I… While Max and I were together, I erased pieces of his memory.”

Cadance gasped. “Auntie! I-I…”

Celestia looked at her sadly. “I know. I was wrong to do so, but I loved Max, and I still do. I just wanted him to be happy, and if he knew that he’d been killed by one of his friends, raped at the hands of another, and nearly shunned by the inhabitants of Ponyville-”

“Wait, I never knew about that last one.” I said.

Celestia shook her head. “It was early in your time in Equestria. Before you internalized the Dark Magic, when it was still leaking from you, Ponies despised you. I wiped the town clean a few times when you started arguments in public after people told you to leave.”

“Celestia… That’s evil.” Cadance said softly.

I rolled my eyes. “Babe, you’re sitting at a table with four of the most evil beings this planet has ever seen. The only person without blood on their hands here is you.”

The Princess of Love dropped her gaze. “...Maybe we shouldn’t win this war.”

Luna, Noir, and I scoffed, but Luna spoke for us. “My niece, would you be willing to give up the lives of the millions of innocent Ponies in Equestria because its leaders are terrible? We may not be clean, and we may have committed terrible sins, but we are on the side of the just. We are the good, even though we have done evil. Such is the way of the true leader.”

Cadance set her jaw and glared at Luna. “I haven’t done anything of the sort!”

“You will.” I said simply. “How long are you going to live?”

Luna answered for her. “She will live longer than you, most likely. Plenty of time to be corrupted by the evils of this world.”

Noir nodded. “It is tough to hear, but you will be evil after Shining dies. Even love cannot protect the heart from such loss.”

Cadance paled. “I don’t want to think about that.”

I shook my head. “If I get strong enough, I’ll do my best to help keep him alive, but barring putting Noir inside of him, I don’t know what I can do.”

Luna shook her head. “Celestia and I have already put much thought into this, but there is no need to speak of it further.”

Our group fell silent, so I asked, “Does anyone have any idea about what my True Magic is going to be? We’ve heard something from the Heavens and something from the shadows, but neither of those sound quite like me.”

Luna pursed her lips. “You spent time in the Everfree and survived, yes?” I nodded. “And you laid the Matron, did you not?” I did so again. “Then you may become the Patron of the Forest. It’s obvious that you have a link to nature.”

“Creative, but I come from a place that has more in common with Manehattan than the forest.” I explained.

“What about Charming Magic? You seem to be able to charm just about any woman you come across.” Cadance said, perking up a bit.

I raised my brows and bobbed my head from side to side. “That’s actually pretty likely. I don’t know how useful it’d be, but it seems likely.”

Noir huffed. “My suggestion that you will be able to use the power of the Heavens is just as likely.”

I tilted my head in her direction. “True, but other than you, everyone else’s True Magic seems to be linked to their Cutie Mark, or rather, the thing they’re most proficient at or better than others with. I’m a damn good charmer if I can get Elfriede’s frigid arse on my dick.”

Celestia hummed. “Speaking of Queen Elfriede, she asked about you at the Equus Olympics. I had to tell her that you were gone. You could always go visit her after your training at the Castle.”

I tapped my cheek. “I’ll have to do that. And I suppose I could get a visit with the Matron out of the way if Twilight wants to go.”

Cadance sighed. “I hope you don’t get trained by Night Light. He’s going to make your life now seem like a distant, happy memory if he’s the one who gets to train you.”

Noir scoffed. “He is too soft to cow our Maximus, even if his fury matches Shining Armours.”

Cadance sighed and Celestia looked to Luna. “Perhaps you should train Max personally? You don’t have a personal grudge against him.”

Luna raised a brow. “I will train him for a fortnight. Night Light can have the other.”

I nodded. “I can take whatever Night Light has to throw at me.”

Cadance shook her head. “You don’t understand; Night Light’s going to make your life Tartarus for making Twilight miss you.”

“Max can deal with it. I am a far harsher mentor than any other.” Noir proclaimed proudly.

I rubbed the back of my head where she’d hit me many times before. “You’re telling me.”

Celestia steepled her fingers. “Then it’s decided. Not counting this one, there are three days until your coronation. You’ll have one day of rest, and after that, you’ll come to Canterlot Castle to be trained by Night Light and Shoulder Boulder-” I cracked up again and Celestia sighed. “You’re going to suffer. I already know it.”

Luna smiled. “Your first fortnight will be a dream compared to the personal regimen I will hold you to.”

I nodded to her. “It’ll be heaven compared to this Amazon,” I jerked a thumb toward Noir, “beating me until I bleed.”

Luna stopped smiling and glanced at Noir. “Surely he’s using hyperbole.”

Noir raised a brow at her. “I was trained with real swords from the first day. Hitting him with a wooden one was a kindness I was not afforded.”

The three living princesses looked at her and then back to me. Celestia said, “Okay, perhaps things will not be as tough for you as we thought.”

I nodded toward her. “I’ve been broken and put back together more times than ninety-nine point nine percent of soldiers. I’m good for it.”

Noir sighed. “If only more of the training I put you through would carry over into reality. You would be a good test for Luna. You would have no chance of winning, but you would be a proper test.”

“Eh.” I shrugged. “With my daggers or with my shortsword?”

“Both. Be sure to train with your shortsword more than your daggers, however. Your strength with the sword will carry over to your daggers more so than it would the other way around.” Noir suggested.

“Will do, blackberry.” I replied.

Luna and Noir dismissed the rest of us so they could go over what exactly I needed to be trained on. After what felt like a few moments, I woke up on my couch with blanket on me and one hell of a headache, so I sat up and did some meditation to clear the worst of it before going to grab some water. I was thirstier than a whale in the desert, so I ended up chugging like, five glasses before I almost made myself throw up. With that out of the way, I listened closely for the sound of Blue’s heartbeat and figured out that she was in one of my lower guest rooms, snoozing away. My pocket watch told me that it was only five thirty-four, but I was fucking starving, so I set out on making the biggest plate of eggs I’d ever seen. It took a full dozen and a cup of milk, but I had two omelettes the size of someone’s face and they were delicious.

I didn’t have anything else I wanted to do, so I smoked myself a small bowl and started preparing for my day after a few sips of coffee. The usual showering and shampooing passed, though the water was a little warmer than usual, despite me turning the dial to the point where it should have been nipple hardeningly, penis shrinkingly cold. I shrugged that off and made sure the Ol’ Chap was still working, just in case I was dead or something and it totally did, so I went back downstairs and filled my journal out to this point or somewhere around here. I’m not going to just stop here, so fuck you. I want to cover how I feel about The War, and then I’ll end this entry.

So The War. I’m not looking forward to it, nor am I looking forward to training for it. I’m sure that Noir will give Luna plenty of Hellish ways to make me suffer, but I do feel prepared for them. At least, I feel like I can handle it if Twilight comes around to give me some affection every once in awhile. I don’t need her to do it daily or even weekly, but I need to know that I still have her love. I guess you could call it a form of dependency, but I think that’s how love is supposed to work or some shit. I’ll ask Cadance once I get a chance. Otherwise, I just… I don’t want to think of pissing Twilight off to the point where she actually does leave me, or going to war and having her be captured or killed. That’s a terrifying thought, and I know for a fact that I’ll kill anyone or anything in my way of finding her, and I doubt that she’ll be happy to see me show up, covered in the blood of those I’ve slain. I’m worried about this war. About the training. About Twilight. None of my worries are going to get me very far, but at least I’m having them instead of charging headfirst into this like a blind madman, waving a sword about, hoping to hit whatever I can.

Fuck. Just thinking about this makes me want to drink, but I don’t want to disappoint my lover, my mentor, or my Mum more than I already have. I guess I can write some more of A Star-Crossed Love to fill the time before Blue wakes up.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I ended up making breakfast for Blue as a way to thank her for not letting me poison myself with alcohol and she thanked me before giving me an unnecessary rundown of the night’s events. I told her that I remembered a lot of what happened and told her that I was probably going to go see Cadance before I saw Twilight. Blue wished me the best of luck and went off to go home and go back to sleep since it had been late when she came over. It was the weekend anyway, so I’m sure that she wanted to catch a few extra hours of shut eye.

Since Blue was gone, I wrote out a note to Cadance asking her if she would mind teleporting me to Canterlot, but she responded that she couldn’t because she’d never actually teleported me by herself before, meaning that she didn’t have my magical signature. I Shadow Dived and rose in front of someone for once, though I had to back off to greet her. As I said hello, I felt a hostile presence directly behind me, so I filled my voice with magic and told Shining that he was free from my commands while looking him in the eye. I was tempted to let him connect with the punch he threw, but Cadance caught it anyway and chastised him for doing something his sister and his wife had already asked him not to.

Shining promised that he’d serve me my comeuppance one of these days and I told him that, while I wasn’t allowed to fight him, I could drop him off anywhere from the Everfree to Gryphonia and command him to stay there. I also pointed out that I could just tell him to forget about the whole incident and he nearly lunged at me again, swearing that I would be arrested for treason and I told him that all I was waiting for was my crown. We were equals in politics.

Cadance sighed and asked me to stop antagonizing him, so I gave her the flattest look I could conjure up and asked her if I was really the aggressor in this situation. She acquiesced, of course, and teleported Shining away so we could have a word by ourselves. The taffy toned princess told me that I could call on her whenever I needed something and I offered her the same courtesy, but I already knew she had something in mind. After I knowingly walked into her ‘trap’, she asked me to go check up on Twilight. I’d been expecting it and told her as much, stating that I’d been planning to do so immediately after fixing Shining. She must have sensed the veracity in my words because she gave me a kiss and told me to give it to Twilight for her, though I was almost tempted to ask her for one for myself. I wasn’t greedy or horny: I just happened to be in a strawberry kind of mood.

My sister-in-law-in-law or whatever the fuck she is to me offered to send me off to Twilight’s and I asked her if she would mind too terribly, but before she teleported me away, she asked if I’d pulled that prank on Luna. I gave her a look and asked if she really needed me to answer that question, though I did request that she keep the information just between us. She considered it a favour and I reminded her that I’d done her one by not beating Shining’s arse when we fought. She had to ask about that and I told her that I could’ve ended the fight easily by brutalizing him with my bare hands and striking him in all the right places with my elbows and knees, which made her ask why I hadn't just done that. I explained that I didn’t really want to hurt the guy, just work out some frustrations while holding back the actual anger I was feeling. Cadance gave me a hug and thanked me for being less of a Neanderthal than I could have been. She didn’t use those exact words, but fuck you for reading this anyway. That includes you, Twilight. I’m sure I’ve told you not to read these pages anyways, so I’m going to fuck you in the arse if I catch you.

Before she could finally get to teleporting me, I asked Cadance why she’d sent me off with a kiss for Twilight but had only given me a hug. She rolled her eyes and the next thing I knew, I was in the Treebrary. I walked into the kitchen where I heard four sets of heartbeats and greeted Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Spike. Twilight just waved weakly, holding her head and a tall glass of water. Everyone else had already finished their meals and Twilight was still pecking at hers, so I asked if I could have a word alone with her and Spike asked me if I was planning on beating him up too. I threatened to tell Twilight all about what I’d caught him doing the day before and he shut his fucking trap along with Apple Bloom, though Sweetie Belle asked what had happened. I didn’t tell her since I figured I’d just landed Spike in some hot water anyway.

Sweetie Belle and Twilight tried to grill him about what I’d said, but I told the young ones to get lost so I could talk to Twilight alone, and when my lover objected, I told her that I’d lifted my magic from Shining. She got a lot more interested in talking to me after that and straight up teleported the girls and Spike somewhere that I didn’t care about. Once they were gone, I sat down and we started talking.

“Alright. First things first, I’m sorry I didn’t just knock Shining out and end things sooner-” I started.

Twilight made a noise of disbelief. “Max, you might be good, but Shining was the Captain of the Guard for a reason.”

I gave her a flat look. “I’ve been trained by a six thousand year war mongerer who’s killed more people by herself than just about any other living thing. Noir’s wiped out entire battalions by herself alone, Twilight. If I wanted Shining on the floor, he would’ve been there and I would’ve had to drag him up the stairs. He was only conscious when you got there because I went easy on him.”

She pursed her lips. “...Is that true?”

“Have I lied to you since I made my promise?”

“...Thank you for not knocking my brother out, but I’m still upset that you fought him in the first place.”

“And I would like to apologize for that. I shouldn’t have vented my frustrations out on him.”

Twilight nodded curtly. “Have you apologized to him yet?”

“I saw him before I came here and he threw a punch at me after I removed my magic. Cadance had to teleport him away.” I said.

“So you didn’t apologize.” It wasn’t a question.

I shrugged. “I’m not going to. He started it. I explained what happened, and he still chose to fight me. I’m not saying I’m not at fault, but I’m not saying I’m sorry for something I didn’t start.”

Twilight folded her arms and glared at me. “Why is it that everypony else is always at fault when it comes to you?”

“Because people start shit with me. Again, not my fault. I didn’t start shit with Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, or Fluttershy, yet they all acted like I did in turn. I find it hard to believe that you’re solely blaming me for this. What’s really bothering you, Twilight?”

She took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t see why ponies tend to be so hostile towards you. I explained what happened to my brother and Cadance, and Cadance was understanding, but…”

“Shining took it extremely personally.” I stated.

“And I don't see why! I wasn’t even upset for more than a week out of every month! I got over it the second I felt you come back, and I just don’t see why everypony else is having such a hard time accepting that you’re not at fault here!”

“Is that why you stole my absinthe? To drown your sorrows for a little while?”

Twilight looked down, shamefaced. “I didn’t mean to steal it.”

“Did you at least have fun with it?” I asked.

“Well…” She blushed.

I gave her a little smile. “Come on! You’ve got to tell me about it.”

She looked off to the side. “If you saw Cadance earlier, did she have a message for me?”

I stood and came over to her side of the table. Once I was next to her, I gently held her chin and gave her the kiss Cadance asked me to pass along. “Other than that, no.”

Twilight scrunched her face up and turned away from me, blushing. “Did she really tell you to give me a kiss?”

“She did. I’d give you one from me, but I don’t think you want it right now.” I took the seat next to her.

She looked at me from the corner of her eye. “...Who said I didn’t? Just because I’m not happy with you doesn’t mean I want to punish myself.”

I gave her a little smile and she turned her head so I could give her another kiss, though I made sure to make this one longer since it was from my heart. Twilight was the first to pull away since I’d let myself get lost in her soft, soft lips. She gave me a reassuring smile and reached for my hand, so I met her halfway.

“Am I forgiven?” I asked.

She gave me a peck. “Of course, amour. Just don’t fight Spike. He’s younger than you.”

I let go of her hand and scratched my cheek. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I dropped him from the ceiling for being a prick the other day.”

Twilight gave me a disapproving look. “You didn’t.”

I winced. “Yeah, but at least I told him to wash his hands before cooking.”

She made a face. “He doesn’t do that already?”

“He didn’t.”

She shook her head. “Why would you have to tell him that anyway?”

“Let’s just say I caught him with sticky claws and leave it at that, yeah?”

Twilight furrowed her brow and I saw it click. “That’s… That’s absolutely disgusting!”

It was hard not to chuckle as she was gagging, but then again, I kinda wanted to gag too. “That’s why Pinkie started eating here so often, if the information Spike gave me is anything to go by.”

Twilight teleported away and I looked at the remains of her breakfast, hoping that they weren’t tainted with his children. I don’t know if dragons have sperm per se, but if they did, I’m sure Twilight could practically feel them on her tongue. I gave it some real thought and realized that I wanted to punch Spike for feeding his sister semen like a fucking creep from some weeaboo trash doujin. I couldn’t punch him because Twilight asked me not to, but still. When she came back, she was blowing on her knuckles and looked a little pale.

“You alright, cherry?” I asked.

“Spike’s scales hurt.”

I took her hands gently and kissed each knuckle lightly. “I could’ve told you that. It’s why I don’t plan on fist fighting him anytime soon.”

“At least he’s been punished properly.” Twilight said with a sharp nod. “I’ll be checking his hands before he cooks anything else for the next year.”

“Did you embarrass him in front of his girlfriends?” I asked.

She nodded again. “I sure did.”

“That was actually pretty mean then.”

“He should’ve washed his claws! I don’t want his ick in my mouth!”

“Speaking of getting ick in your mouth, how was the absinthe?”

My lover gave me an odd look. “You went a different direction with that.”

I shrugged. “I’m still curious.”

“It went pretty well, though it gave me mood swings. Cadance came by to check on me and came back later to ask where your mom was, and both times I saw her change into Celestia. Spike was already in bed, so I didn’t see him turn into anything.”

“Eh, we can try it again when we’re both in better moods. Speaking of, three days after today, I’m going to be coronated. A day after that, I’m going to Canterlot Castle for a month to be trained as a soldier.” I informed.

Twilight stared at me. “You’re going to be coronated next week?”

“Yup.”

“And you. You of all ponies, are going to be trained as a soldier.” That really wasn’t a question.

“Yup. I’ve been trained in the mental and technical aspects by Noir, but I need the workout regimen and the team exercises, I think.”

“...Max, my Dad trains the guards.”

“Cadance already told me that he’s bearing a massive grudge against me. Trust me when I say that he can’t put me through anything worse than what Noir already has.”

“...If you say so.” Twilight said uneasily.

“Come on, cherry. Pops isn’t a complete bastard. I doubt he’d use his station to punish me.” I said with a smile I wasn’t feeling.

“That smile’s fake and you’re worried.”

“Both true, but I know I can take whatever he throws at me. I’m just hoping he doesn’t make the rest of the recruits hate me.”

“I’ve heard of him doing that once or twice to make somepony quit The Guard…”

“Hopefully he won’t do it to his son-in-law.”

“...Don’t antagonize him if he comes after you. Please?”

I looked at her like she was crazy. “You want me to lie down and be a fucking doormat?”

Twilight filled her lungs, and after a long moment, she said, “Yes. I do.”

“Don’t ask me to betray who I am.”

“I’m asking you to avoid starting something with my Dad, and if he starts something, I don’t want you to retaliate. Make him look like the bad guy. Be the hard-working, honest ‘man’ that you want me to see.” Twilight requested.

I shook my head and reached into my pocket and fingered the little package I’d kept with me since I bought it. “You’re asking a lot of me, Twilight Sparkle.”

“I know, but-”

“No. If you’re going to ask something that big of me, I want something in return.” I looked into those beautiful violet eyes.

Twilight nodded. “Anything.”

I rose from the seat and scooted it away from me so I could kneel before my favourite person between two entire worlds, the one I love most out of eight billion odd others. With my gift in hand, I opened it and presented it to her before speaking the words I’d been waiting for months to say, though she’d been waiting far longer than I had. I’d kept her waiting for long enough.

“Twilight Sparkle, my love and my world. My heart and my soul. Will you marry me?”

Her jaw dropped and her eyes glistened before tears fell. Her hands went to her mouth and she let loose a single sob before she tackled me onto the floor, nearly knocking her ring out of my hands. I was only in a bit of pain for a moment when she pressed her lips against mine, making me stop giving a single fuck about anything other than returning her kiss. It wasn’t a lustful, fervent snogging, or a playful contest of wills, but a moment that I knew we would never forget. one of many to come in the thousands of years we would live together as one. My heart had known for so long that she was the only one, even if my mind had been slow to catch up, and I felt as if the universe itself had put me through heart wrenching trials with Maggie and Celestia just to give me this one sweet moment. For once in my life, I felt as though I deserved something, like I deserved the innocent feeling Twilight gave me, or the love that she coated my heart with every time I saw her, every time we kissed. That moment persisted even after Twilight pulled away from our kiss and allowed me to sit up so she could wrap me in her arms. I felt tears of my own fall and they were sweet in their own way when they reached my lips, but the sweetest moment of all yet to come.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Just… Yes, Max! A thousand times yes!” Twilight cried, shaking in my grasp.

Her words were… They were like God’s voice in my ears all over again. Hard to describe, yet so very fulfilling in every way. I couldn’t get a grip on myself and ended up laughing while I squeezed Twilight as though I could make her get any closer than she already was.

We let each other go simultaneously and we were both smiling through our tears. “It’s about time I asked, yeah?” I said thickly.

Twilight let loose a half-sob, half-chuckle. “Better late than never, right?”

We just looked into each other’s eyes for a few more moments, but I wanted another kiss. But I didn’t want to tear my eyes away from hers. But I wanted another kiss. “I don’t know what to do.” I confessed.

“Neither do I.” Twilight’s watery smile kept on quivering and I was sure that mine was doing the same.

“I’d say we could flip a coin on another hug or a kiss, but…” I trailed off.

“I just want to look at you right now. You’re my fiance.” Twilight said softly.

“You’re my wife-to-be.” I reached up and stroked her cheeks. “Cherry, no matter what, I will never turn against you. Even if the worst comes to worst, you’ll always come first.”

My finace sniffled and kissed me gently, expressing with actions what words couldn’t quite elaborate upon. The second kiss was every bit as sweet as the first, and so was the third. And the fourth. So on and so forth. I don’t know how long we sat on the floor with Twilight straddling me, but the moment seemed to stretch on and shrink at the same time, like we’d never have to leave it, but that it was going to be over far too soon. Someone above, possibly my father, gave us enough time to exchange our feelings, and when Cadance, Celestia, and Luna teleported in, they found us in the same position we’d been in for who knows how long.

“...Are we interrupting something?” Luna asked briskly.

I barely spared her a glance and saw Twilight look back to me, our eyes barely shifting and our heads not turning at all. Twilight spoke before I could and said, “Yes, you are.”

“We could always come back.” Celestia said.

I tilted my head. “What do you think, cherry?”

She didn’t look away from me. “How long are you willing to give us?”

“...How long do you want?” Celestia asked.

“Forever.” Twilight and I replied in unison.

Cadance made a ‘squee’. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!”

“What?” Luna asked tersely.

“He did it!” Cadance answered. I could hear her bouncing up and down.

“Did what?” The Lunar Diarch inquired, a little more annoyed than the last time.

“Shh! Let’s just go!” Cadance whispered. I heard them teleport out and gave Twilight my undivided attention.

Twilight and I sighed. “...The moment’s kind of over, but I’ll never forget it.” I told her honestly.

“If either of us do, the other has to cast a memory spell.” She replied.

“I’ll make someone do it if I ca-” My heart skipped a beat and my eyes went wide.

My chest suddenly felt like it had blossomed, but not in pain or pleasure. It just felt like I was opened up from the inside, but when Twilight put her hands on my shoulders, I felt like I could feel something trickle into them, like I was giving her something through the contact. It was a disconcerting feeling, but not unpleasant. Strange, yet not unwelcome. Something told me that my True Magic had just awoken, but at the same time, it was dormant.

“Max?” Twilight asked, worried.

“I’m fine.” I answered normally. “My True-”

I only got so far before I was pulled away from Twilight, outside of the Treebrary, and outside of Equus itself. I was in a familiar beige room with familiar grey chairs, but with a wave of God’s hand, they turned into something that looked a little more comfortable. I was a little disoriented from the sudden ascension, but I was feeling perfectly fine otherwise. I could still move all of my limbs normally, so when God gestured for me to sit in front of Him, I was able to do so easily, but when I sat down, He changed forms into Helen Mirren, but younger and more tan.

“What do you have against white people?” I asked out of the blue.

“Nothing. I just like Earth tones. Why do you think the majority of the crust is made up of it? I could’ve made Earth any color I wanted.” She responded pleasantly.

I shrugged. “Fair enough I guess. So what’s up, Capital Bastard?”

God chuckled. “I’m enjoying watching you thrive and suffer, but not much else that you’d comprehend or be interested in. I should’ve known your little soul-leech would unwrap my gift sooner than expected.”

“Yeah, Noir’s pretty fucking awesome, isn’t she?”

“Not as ‘awesome’ as Twilight Sparkle.” God grinned kindly.

I nodded. “I like her more than I like breathing.”

“Cute. So are you curious as to why I warped time during your trip back to Earth?” She asked.

“Yeah, actually. Why’d you do that?”

God frowned. “Because you didn’t go when I told you to, fool.”

I rolled my eyes. “I sussed that out for myself.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I was annoyed by that. You were supposed to see Maxwell when he first moved back.”

“Why not just warp time so that happened anyway?”

“Because you decided to be cowardly. I told you that you had work to do on Equus. You wouldn’t have been gone but a few hours.”

“And the trials I’m facing now are because I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to come back? Mate, that’s some petty shit.”

She lifted a hand. “Talk to the hand and prepare to be Godsmacked.” She waved Her hand and it felt like a fucking lorry came just to knock me teeth out.

I was knocked off of the chair and the pain didn’t last that long, but that shit still hurt. Once I sat back down, I flipped God the two-finger salute. “That was wholly unnecessary.”

God’s frown deepened. “You keep messing up my plans!”

“You keep being a prick!”

“I’m allowed to be a prick! I’m a prick all the time!”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, G. I have a question.”

God went back to smiling. “Go ahead.”

“Did I get years added to my sentence in Hell or have them taken away for what I did on Earth?”

“Shit bruh, I dunno.” God said with a straight face.

“Don’t use ghetto slang with tan Helen Mirren’s face. It’s weird.”

“Don’t order your God around like I’m your buddy.” She gave me a disapproving look.

“We’re not friends? “ I asked neutrally.

“I give you things and make you use them to pass tests. I’m more like your teacher than your friend.”

I raised my hand. “Mrs. God? Can I use the loo?”

“No you may not.” She said.

“I’ll pee on your carpet.”

“I’ll spray you with the largest water bottle you’ve ever seen.”

“Point Capital G. So am I going to Hell for longer because I made people be good or not?”

She shrugged. “Probably not. I gave humans free will to see what they’d do. It’s not like I enjoy seeing people rape and murder each other, so I guess I’d consider it a generally good thing. I’ll take some years off when it comes down to it.”

“Thanks mate. So is there anything else you want to address?” I asked.

“Be good to Twilight. She’s the best you’re going to get.”

I nodded. “I’ll give her whatever I can and then some.”

God nodded back. We waited around for a moment and She started tapping Her fingers on the table. “...You’re really not curious about your True Magic?”

“Weeell. Now that you mention it.” I totally didn’t forget.

She rolled her eyes. “I can hear your thoughts. You totally forgot. Your True Magic is ‘True Theft’.”

I squinted and tilted my head. “Alright, I’m going to need you to explain that to me.”

“I would, but you wasted a lot of time not asking about it.” She inspected Her nails.

“Alright, will you please explain it? Pretty please with sugar on top?”

“I hate sugar.”

“Coffee on the side?”

“There we go. True Theft is the ability to steal anything. You’ll be able to reach between dimensions to steal whatever you please. If there’s a steel wall in front of you and you know what you’re trying to take, you’ll be able to grasp it with your left hand and take it. If there’s something you want from another dimension and you know what it is, you can take that too.”

I tilted my head again. “Does that mean I can literally steal time?”

God nodded. “You’ll be able to use it with your right hand. It’ll be hard to figure out how to maneuver concepts rather than physical objects, but you’ll get the hang of it.”

Ideas started blossoming in my mind. “Does this mean I can steal knowledge?”

She gave me a droll look. “Any. Thing. The only things you can’t touch are Heaven, Hell, and the Shadow Realm.”

While God was talking, something bumped into the back of my mind. “...I hate to ask, but can I steal souls too?”

She set Her head on Her hand. “Really?”

“Just checking. If I can steal things, can I also put them back?”

God gave me a ‘What the fuck do you think?’ kinda look. “What do you think? You can reach between dimensions. The only thing you can’t do is look where you’re grabbing because clairvoyance is stupid.”

I tried to activate the power and gave it a good go too. It didn’t seem to work. “Lord and Creator? I think my magic hand is broken.”

God groaned. “Did you know how to use the other powers I gave you when you first got them?”

“Fair enough. Can I keep asking questions, or am I going to have to do some self-study?”

“Self-study. Come over here for a moment.”

I rose from my seat and walked around the table, and once I arrived at God’s side, She took my hands in Hers and it felt like She was fucking branding me or something. The words Reincarnation No Kaben popped into my mind as well as the contents of the manga and I felt like gross weeaboo trash for it. My left arm turned black and had a glowing grey swirly pattern on it while my right arm… Well, it stayed normal.

“I figured this was a good power for you.” She said, letting my hands go.

“Are you seriously... A fucking weeb?” I gasped.

“Keep insulting me and I’ll kill Twilight.”

“Have I ever mentioned how lovely your voice is? Or how stunningly creative you are?”

“That’s much better. I was going to add that I’d make you live until the heat death of Equus, but you get the point.”

“Thanks Capital G.”

“Please, aren’t we friends?” She mocked.

“...Do you really want to be?” I asked.

“I know you wouldn’t ask much of me, so I suppose we could be when this is all said and done. What’s one more lowercase ‘G’ to the massive pile I already have?”

“I’d totally make Equus my realm.” I nodded.

“Discord already has that covered.” God smirked.

“...Are you being literally super cereal right now?”

“The fellow is a God of Chaos. I have faith that you’ll be able to beat him now.” God sent me back to my seat and patted my arm comfortingly. By stretching Her hand across the table. Shit was weird.

“...Tools and all that… Yeah, I hear you I guess. So the next time I meet him, I pretty much have to steal his heart or something?”

“I’m not telling you what to do. Only that you have to do something. Oh, and Celestia still has to talk to you, so I’ll be sending you back now. Have fun being as full-blooded ‘Alicorn’.” God threw up some air quotes, but before she could wave me off, I raised both of my hands.

“Wait! Just to be clear, you’re not making me a Pony?”

She rolled Her eyes. “No, I’m not.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks a million. Until next time, Capital G, it’s actually been pretty pleasant except for the condescension.”

“It comes with being an old white woman.” She snarked.

And just like that, I descended, but not back onto Equus. Out of fucking nowhere, I was in a starry place with images passing by, but when I looked to see what they were, I saw that I was looking at two dimensional screens that looked at moments of my life from a third person perspective. It was a little trippy, but then again, I’d literally just passed through like, ten dimensions to go visit God again and that’s when I realized that I forgot to ask if I could repent, which fucking sucked balls. I guess I’d never be able to tell Beatrix if you could repent in the first place. I took the time to do so real quick because God didn't erase my memories this time, though Her voice rang through my head and told me that I couldn’t tell them about the gods from Earth being sent to Equus. I didn’t get it, but at least I could tell people where I’d been for real this time. I don’t know why Capital G changed Her mind, but it was going to be one Hell of a cool story to tell.

In any case, I wandered around the starry, swirly abyss for a little while until I felt rather than heard someone walk up behind me. Celestia gave me a little smile and a wave. “Hello, Maximus. I see you’ve ascended.”

“Sure have. Got my True Magic and everything.” I grinned.

“Cadance tells me that you proposed to Twilight.” She said neutrally.

“I did. It’s about time, honestly. I was just waiting for a good moment and I found one that worked for us.”

Celestia nodded. “It’s wonderful news, but I can't help but be a little disappointed that you’re officially off the market.”

I lifted a brow at her. “Seventy-five years will pass before you know it. Well, seventy-three I guess. I’m not going to hold different perceptions of time against you.”

She smiled. “I’ve been meaning to ask, but I didn’t want to seem desperate.”

“Bitch please. Errybody know you want this dick up in ya.” I smirked.

She gave me an odd look. “I can leave you here. You know that, right?”

“So how do you get your mane to do that billowing in the breeze thing? Cadance’s doesn’t do that.”

She raised a brow. “That’s what I thought. When you get to be thousands of years old, I’ll tell you.”

I pouted. “I’m only going to live to be like, two thousand though.”

Her brow raised again. “Uh, probably not, honey. Think again.”

I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. “I better not actually be immortal.”

“If you’re here, you’ll live as long as an Alicorn.”

I groaned. “Fuck. Well, I guess that just means more time with Twilight. And you, but I’ more concerned about the time with Twilight at the moment. I’m sure you understand.”

“Every time you say something like that, you twist the dagger a little bit more.” Celestia said calmly.

I scratched my nose. “Sorry. I didn’t think about how you’d feel when I say things like that.”

“...Are you going to stop?”

I gave her a look. “Be happy I mentioned you. I didn’t say shit about Luna or Cadance and I like them too. Hell, I didn’t even mention Noir and she’s my second favorite person in a Stockholm Syndrome kinda way.”

“Where do I rank on your list of favourite people?” Celestia asked quietly.

“You’re still below Cadance, but you’re above Luna. I don’t actually keep a list, mind you. Just the top three.”

“Cadance isn’t the third, is she?”

“No, it’s my Mum. I guess she’d be followed by Nashoba, but they’re kinda tied. It’s weird like that, my list.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “At least I rank above someone who still intends on killing you if you get too powerful.”

“Huh. I thought she… Well, you know… Let it be, I guess.”

“No, she’s going to check you when you get back to see what your True Magic is, just in case it’s evil or corrupting.”

“Fuck.”

Celestia raised both brows. “Am I going to have to protect you?”

“Shit, I dunno. Maybe? Is stealing things inherently evil?” I asked.

Celestia groaned. “Twilight was right!”

“Of course she was, though I’m a little surprised that Noir was so wrong. Still, with my ‘True Theft’, once I learn how to use it, we’ll be able to take on Discord.” I smirked.

Her face went flat for a moment. “Are you saying that we actually have a chance?”

My smirk turned into a full blown mile-wide smile until I made my face fall flaccid. “Of fucking course not. What am I supposed to do, take his coin purse?”

Celestia’s eyes went glassy and she started stalking towards me, so I held my hands out and started backing up. “I’m kidding! We do stand a chance! I was just making a once in a lifetime joke! Humor! Haha! Don’t kill me, I won’t die!”

She slapped me around for a little bit to blow off some steam, leaving plenty of bruises. “You are an evil man!”

She kept raining slaps down upon me like she was God and her hands were tools of Smitey goodness. She smited all over my face, arms and back like I was her little smite slut, covering me in her smite until I could feel it on practically every inch on my body. It took a few minutes, but eventually she ran out of her hot sticky smite and let me rest.

“Okay, fucking ow.” I said when I was clear.

She healed me and huffed. “Don’t toy with me Maximus.”

“You toyed with me! I didn’t even do anything other than lie for like, ten seconds!”

“It was enough to crush my hopes! Do you know how hard it is for a four thousand year-old being to have hope, Max!?”

“Fine, I get it! Just don’t hit me again, Mummy! I promise I’ll be good!”

“That’s bucked up! I would never abuse a child if I was lucky enough to have one!” She didn’t hit me again, however.

“I’m a child compared to you, you ancient twat! You hit too hard!”

Celestia groaned. “I’m making this a prince? Seriously? Where did I go wrong? Should I have just vaporized you when Twilight told me that you did unsavory things to her?”

I stopped shielding myself and looked at her. “I don’t know, but can we go home now? I’d like to see my fiance and go not be abused for like, five minutes.”

She cut me a glare and snapped her fingers. Within the blink of an eye, I was outside of Twilight’s house, so I walked back inside to find that she, Spike, Luna, and Cadance were all inside the living room. I think about six hours had passed while I was away. Twilight looked like she was just starting to relax after a panic attack or something, so I rushed over and politely shoved people out of the way so I could kneel in front of her for the second time that day. My fiance wasted no time in hugging me, telling me that I’d just up and disappeared after saying something about the truth and I told her that I’d gotten my True Magic and that I’d ascended into being some weird Human/Alicorn. The good news was that I would now live as long as she would, and the better news was that God pretty much wished us happiness in the coming years.

Twilight knew who God was since I’d explained Him/Her to her years ago, but I had to break it down for everyone else. I was just beginning to do that when Celestia came inside and joined the conversation, so now I had a full audience and I could begin in earnest. I told them that God was the Creator of planets and dimensions and that He/She’d implanted my True Magic into me when I’d died in Fluttershy’s cabin. After giving them a rundown of what He/She was and the scope and magnitude of Their power (I’m switching to gender neutral pronouns because I’m confused at this point), explaining that they were the one who’d given me my first set of powers. Twilight told me that I’d lied to everyone and I told her that I’d been forbidden to speak on them until I returned to Earth for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Once I’d explained all of that, Celestia asked that the Royals go to Canterlot, though Twilight just wanted the day to be over so we could snuggle. I held her close and asked if she was wearing her ring, and she totally was, so I told her that we could snuggle in Canterlot too. She asked what her ring had to do with anything and I told her that I would’ve told her ‘No snuggles’ if she hadn't been wearing it. She asked about cuddles, so I gave it some thought, eventually coming up with a yes. There were a mix of groans from Spike and Luna while Cadance and Celestia ‘awwed’. It was cute.

The Royals went to Canterlot and we discussed getting a room specifically for meeting between more than two or three of us and I suggested that we just use the Dining Hall since it had plenty of seats and was a private enough place. Literally everyone except me was against the idea since there were a fuckton of unused rooms in the castle, but I pointed a finger at Celestia for designing it to be so grandiose and wasteful. I was dutifully ignored.

Once we settled on some random sitting room that all the ladies agreed on, we started talking about my coronation. I was busy messing with Twilight when Celestia tried getting my attention “Max! Stop playing hoofsies with Twilight and pay attention.”

I snapped to attention but kept going. “I’m sorry, wasn’t listening. What are we talking about?”

Cadance huffed. “Celestia wants you to be the first Prince of Equestria with any real power, but I say that it should be Shining.”

“That would make sense, but I’m leaning towards Celestia’s judgement on this.” I answered.

“Of course you would! It’s to your benefit!” Cadance argued.

“No, I’m agreeing because the ancient being with more experience ruling under her belt than literally everything other than like, three creatures that I know of who’ve been around since before time was time said that I should be the guy. Truthfully? I don’t get why she wants it to be me, but if Celestia says it should be, then I trust her judgement. The only reason you’re arguing is because I’m not your husband, as much as you once wished I was.”

“I never wished you were my husband, I just wished he was more like you in a few aspects.” Cadance huffed.

“His dick is like, ‘comfortable’, isn’t it? Takes forever to get it back up?” I jibed.

Twilight hit me. “Max!”

Cadance flushed bright red. “Have you been spying on us!?”

I tried to keep a straight face. I failed. I let out a few strangled snickers and Twilight hit me again. “Don’t keep taking potshots at my brother’s intimate life!”

I burst out laughing. “He’s got a ‘little man’ complex!”

“Shining is nearly as tall as you.” Luna said, confused.

Celestia snickered. “That’s not what he’s talking about, sister.”

I died and fell on the floor. It took me a minute to calm down, but once I did, I got up and went to sit next to Twilight only to find that she’d formed a force field around my former seat while I was catching my breath. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face and just sat on the floor next to her, working out a few more chuckles.

Luna weighed in. “Max’s outburst aside, I think Shining Armor would be better for public relations. Ponies trust Ponies more so than any other race.”

I leaned back and held my stomach. “So what’s the point of making me a prince then? If I’m not going to be ruling or making the tough calls like I need to be, why go through the trouble?”

Celestia answered. “Because, whether or not you have a public face, you’ll still be influencing those decisions and the title allows you to act as a diplomat between races in even higher capacities. Your relations with the Gryphons are still fine, though we now have no one to face the Changelings. Chrysalis has burned her bridges with at least two of us for certain.”

“Oi, I know how to handle people like her just fine. The only reason she got to me in the first place was because of extremely unique extenuating circumstances. We should be on even ground now, however, so she can’t lord anything over me.” I said.

“You can come back up now, Max.” Twilight said softly.

I joined her once more as Celestia was saying, “If you’re confident that you can handle her without killing her or potentially starting another war, then you’ve got a leg up on Shining Armour.”

I’ve got one Hell of a back-up plan anyway. “I can deal with that sadistic cunt. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll make it happen.”

“Can you keep things legitimate until things look like they’re about to fall apart?” Luna asked.

“I can make her forget that there was even any illegitimate business in the first place. I responded.

“That’s not how we want to handle our allies, Maximus.” Celestia said.

“Look, I would’ve let you kill or contain Chrysalis if I knew then what I know now. She’s a valuable spy, but she’s evil in a different way. She actually enjoys other people’s pain, gets a sick pleasure from it. I don’t know what made her that way, but unless you have her under binding magical oaths-”

“We do.” Luna interrupted.

“I stand corrected. Then why do we even need to parlay with her?” I asked.

“We gave her relative freedom on certain conditions. Chrysalis may be evil, but she plays by the rules.” Celestia said.

“Good to hear, I guess. What about Elfriede? Can we be sure that I’ll have her trust like I used to?” I inquired.

Celestia pursed her lips. “We can’t be certain, but you could always go visit her after your training like we suggested and come back with what you find.”

I looked at Twilight who I was still playing footsies with. “She might try to jump my bones. Are you okay with that?”

She pouted. “Didn't you tell me about it before we got engaged?”

I thought. “Yeah, I believe so. When I told you about the assassination I told you that Elfriede, who I totally widowed, wants my dick and I wanted to give a Gryphon a shot.”

She sighed. “If you really want to…”

“When you say it like that, I don’t want to. Not that I really wanted to in the first place: the beaks kinda freak me out a little. Honestly, the only reason I even considered it was because it was so incredibly fucked that she caught me murdering her husband in cold blood and still wanted me to give her the dope D.”

Cadance coughed to get my attention. “Max, how messed up in the head are you?”

“Oh, I’m pretty far gone at this point. I know what’s right and wrong, but unless I’m with Twilight, things like that matter less.”

Twilight sighed. “Believe it or not, he’s actually pretty decent most days. If you catch him alone he’s the sweetest and his teasing is only mild.”

Celestia nodded. “His pseudo-romanticism is rather endearing as well. He once climbed into my room through a window just to spend the hours before dawn with me.”

There was a loaded silence. “Auntie, isn’t the only window in your room, well, a lethal distance off of the ground?” Cadance asked.

“Yes, it is. That’s why I didn’t understand how he got in there in the first place.” The Solar Diarch shook her head.

“Max, I know you’re good at climbing, but how in the world did you manage that?” Twilight asked.

“Um… I’m pretty sure there was another window at the end of the hall. From there, I just climbed over to Celestia’s one and let myself in since she didn’t lock it.” I explained.

“It was a lot more romantic and a lot less crazy when you let yourself in through my balcony.” My fiance said.

“Before this turns into a competition, let’s all agree that Max is a fool at the best of times and move on with the conversation. Max can delegate with the Changelings and the Gryphons because he has experience with both of them. Shining Armour refuses to parlay with the Changelings and it’s unknown whether or not he can converse with the Gryphons as Max can. From a diplomatic relations standpoint, Max is the victor. From a public persona standpoint, Shining is the victor.” Luna announced.

“Honestly, having an extra-Pony race marry a Pony Princess would probably be great for making the citizens of Equestria less racist in general. Either way, my induction into the Royal Family is going to make waves, and not all of them are going to bode well for us.” I stated.

“How many times do I have to tell you that Ponies aren’t racist!” Twilight chided.

“Cherry, what do you say instead of ‘everyone’?” I asked.

“Everypony, but-”

“And instead of ‘anyone’?”

“I get where you’re going with this, and I still remember the first time you made that argument!”

“Does it make it any less true? You use exclusive words in a pretty exclusive society. When I went to Gryphonia, I spotted plenty of Ponies, but here, you rarely see anything other than Ponies.” I said gently.

Twilight huffed. “Ponies aren’t racist.”

Luna and myself sighed, but no one wanted to pick that one up. Cadance continued the previous topic with, “So what are we basing our decision on? Public relations or diplomatic prowess? Because I’m rather sure Shining can keep a cooler head than Max about most things.”

“Unless it’s something that challenges his ideals or way of life. The guy’s outright hostile to change.” I stated, making a deduction from his character as I’d seen it so far.

Cadance stopped talking, so Celestia picked up. “Max is a better diplomat statistically and already has quite the following in the nobility of Canterlot after he defeated Blueblood,” She paused, “twice. Shining trod on a lot of hooves while he was Captain of the Guard. The support from the nobles will mean a lot in the coming days.”

Cadance sighed. “Then I suppose it only makes sense for it to be Max.”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t want it in the first place.” I said honestly.

“Why ask for it then?” The Taffy toned princess inquired.

“Because I think I’m one of the few that can handle it. I’m sure Shining could, but you can already give him as much power as you feel he needs in the Crystal Empire, yeah? You could do a fifty-fifty split in your own lands, but here, he’s too much of a boy scout to make morally unsound calls. Basically, Shining Armour is a better person than I am and that’s why he’s not really suited to the task.”

Twilight hit me gently. “What have I told you about calling yourself a bad pony?”

“I don’t know, say it as often as possible so people understand that I suck sometimes?” I replied.

She hit me again. “I’d like it if you stopped. At least do it less often.”

“I still feel like it’s the truth most days, but I won’t go out of my way to mention it. At least I won’t straight up say I’m a terrible person.” To you at least.

My fiance nodded. “Good. It’ll be hard for you to maintain a public image if you’re always telling ponies that you’re not nice.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes you insult my intelligence, but then again, you’re adorable so I usually just let you get away with it.”

She furrowed her brow. “How was that insulting your intelligence?”

“You implied that I would be dumb enough to ruin my own name by being foolish with my words. I understand that I’ll have to be more careful with what I say from now on. It’s not going to be a terribly difficult task.”

“Uh-huh. You say that now.”

I gave her a look. “Where’d all that faith you had in me go?”

She looked to the other women in the room and I realized that I was being stared at with the same bored look across the board. “Oi! If you don’t trust me to do half of the prince sh-tuff. Prince stuff. If you don’t trust me to do that, then why am I becoming one?”

Celestia sighed. “We’re putting you through training for a reason.”

“It’s to annoy me, right?” I asked.

Twilight took my hand in hers. “You know why.”

I shook my head. “So I’m learning how to fight better, but who’s teaching me how to be a proper prince?”

Luna and I will be giving you your training.” Celestia said. “She will be teaching you combat in the nights and I’ll be giving you lessons during the day for the latter half of your stay here.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t actually need to sleep if you keep me fed. Otherwise, I’d be a certain kind of fucked.” I said drily.

Luna looked at me. “Is that true?”

“Yeah. I eat like, four times as much as a normal person and I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t have to sleep as much, if at all.”

Luna grinned evilly and I felt a chill go down my spine. “So you’re saying that you can go all night?”

“...Yeah?” I answered stupidly. “I’ll need breaks like a normal person, but I can cut them down my meditating too. Trust me when I say I don’t have it in me to slack, Luna.”

She teleported a stuffed cat that I remembered seeing in her room once into her arms and started stroking. “Yes… I eagerly await your suff- Er, your efforts.”

I gripped Twilight hand and stage whispered to her. “If she puts something in my butt, kill her.”

Twilight replied in the same tone. “I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to.”

Cadance coughed. “If that’s all, then could we get back to organizing Max’s coronation? We have a lot to do and little time to do it.”

Celestia nodded. “So it is.”

I started nudging Twilight’s hoof again until I either irritated her or interested her enough to start nudging me back, and so we continued our game of footsie. Twilight nudged me with her shoulder and I looked around the table to see if I had missed anything and she just stared straight ahead, so I bumped her and we continued on until Celestia teleported us off of the couch we’d been sitting on and into chairs on opposite sides of the table. That didn’t deter us from using magic to mess with each other from a distance, however, though we stopped the moment Cadance ratted us out.

Celestia groaned and asked if we were even paying attention and I told her that I’d paid a lot of attention, just not to what anyone was saying. Twilight said that she could recite everything that had been said, word for word and would do so when we got home. Her former teacher said that I may as well meditate and see Noir for a synopsis while the adults in the room actually got something done and I flipped her off. She dragged me out of my seat by those two fingers, so I grabbed two of hers and dragged her towards me and made us scissor. No one got it, but I did and I told Celestia that performing such heinous acts on front of my fiance was a no-no without her say so. I was placed back into my seat and I assumed the position so I could go chat with Noir.

The first thing Noir did when I got to the mindscape was hug me, and boy was that squishy. It was a long hug that lasted for a good while as she congratulated me on my engagement, usurpation of Shining’s possible power, my kicking of his arse, and my True Magic. When she finally let me go and became much more serious, she let me know that we should be able to train my True Magic in my mind and that the knowledge of the skill would carry over, so while I was training with Luna or meditating while training as a guard, we would be working on getting the connections going. Unlike normal Alicorn True Magic, I wasn’t going to be able to master it all that easily since they had an innate knowledge of their own magic, but I was willing to bet that I would be able to do it well enough.

After another wonderful hug, Noir gave me the rundown of everything I’d missed and showed me what she’d put together regarding the setup of the event. It was well done and quite interesting to watch as a facsimile of me walked around like a loon and had Celestia do something or other. Apparently Celestia had said something about a speech and I’d been ignoring the fuck out of her, so after Noir gave me a peck on the cheek, she sent me back and told me that we’d have to do something special to celebrate me popping the question to Twilight.

When I came back to reality, the four princesses were far too close for comfort, though I didn’t open my eyes. I heard their heart beats and wondered what they were doing, so I snapped my eyes open and shouted from the top of my lungs, startling the fuck out of Cadance and Twilight while earning me glares from Celestia and Luna. After being told that it had been completely and utterly unnecessary, I asked why they were all standing around me and Luna explained that they were trying to figure out why someone so annoying was so handsome. I told them that it was because I needed to have a character flaw for being so undeniably perfect and I was met with scoffs.

The meeting adjourned, though Celestia took some measurements of me so we could have a suit or whatever made for my special day. I didn’t want one and said as much, but if I was going to be a member of the Royal Family, I had to start dressing like one. I looked at Twilight and saw that she was wearing her usual cute stuff and just pointed at her. All eyes fell on her, but I was staring at Celestia who just rolled her eyes and said that Twilight didn’t have to wear any regalia because she said so. I spanked her with my psychic tentacle and she did the same to me with magic, so I hit the other cheek. She responded in kind, so I walked over to her and scooped one of her breasts. Sunbutt couldn’t do that to me, and she wouldn’t go for the next best thing in front of Twilight, so I won that round and returned to my fiance’s side in triumph, but the next thing I knew, her magic hair was gripping my tender bits and I drew the Warbling Blade to cut away at some of the gossamer strands that even I could barely see.

Celestia’s hair didn’t stop molesting me, however, so I asked if I could finally get some time alone with my fiance. Twilight and I were released from the evil grasp of the benevolent tyrant and we were allowed to go home, though when we did, Twilight didn’t immediately try to sex my man muffin like I’d been expecting her to. Instead, she teleported my journal and one of my pens from Earth into her hands before gesturing towards her couch with the pen. I took the hint and had a seat, giving Twilight some time to pace until she had a brilliant idea. Well, I thought it was a brilliant idea. She actually just sat next to me and draped her legs over mine, so when I wanted to take a break from writing, all she had to do was swivel and I free, and if I wanted to touch her, I could do so. It was nice.

I had Twilight cast a privacy spell over a few of the pages so that she herself couldn’t read them on accident, though the only things I blocked from her were the Graham incident and any mention of it as well as the talk about The War with the Elder Rulers and Cadance. She didn’t ask why I had her hide those pages, but she did ask if they held information she should know. I told her that I wouldn’t have asked her to hide them if I thought she should read them and she accepted my answer rather easily, all things considered. Once I was done with my journal, Twilight and I spent much of our time kissing, cuddling, and gently petting each other. It was a nice way to spend the evening, and when Spike came in from doing whatever it is he does during the day, he congratulated me specifically on finally asking Twilight to marry me since he’d already said something to his sister.

Since more shits probably going to happen, I want to write it down in my journal, but now Twilight’s telling me that we should get to bed for a decent night’s sleep. We have to tell our friends about my new status as a prince and our new relationship status, though that’s a phrase I haven’t heard in a long time. Fuck Facebook and the petty fuckers on it. I could go on a tangent about how much hate I got from contrarian dickfuckers (people whose genitals are small enough to fuck other dicks) while I was leading the SIAC, but I’m not going to. I’m just happy Twilight said yes.

Honestly, I don’t think anything could have made this day better.
.

Author's Notes:

First Chapter of the new release schedule. Good lord, I'm so glad I don't feel like I'm about to crack from having to write 20k+ words in three days. Having a week to get shit done is so much nicer.

That being said, I hope you enjoyed as usual. Fuck Shining sometimes though.

As Always, Tell Them You Love Them

Stay Cool, Kids.