I strolled through the Everfree like I owned the place because, legally, I totally do, so go fuck yourself if you think that sounds arrogant. I would have stopped to see Noir before I got into Ponyville proper, but I wasn't about to risk having my fucking head bitten off by some passing creature and there I didn’t want to tax her by making her entertain me for awhile during a visit in a very dangerous place. Shit, I probably could have done it anyway, but hindsight is twenty/twenty and I wanted to get to Ponyville as soon as possible. Over the month I’d been on Earth, I pretty much forgot about Shadow Diving, so I didn’t do that. Don’t blame me for being forgetful: blame Earth for having adequate means of transportation and non-magical citizens.

As I walked through the Everfree, I ran into a few creatures that wanted to take a bite out of me, like a crocodile made of rocks that I’d never seen before. It was too heavy to throw with my telekinesis, and it was apparently a Kendani, so I couldn’t Soothsay it away, leaving me too options: smack it around, or try and remember if I still had that Dryad song thingy the Matron gave me. Yes, I remembered about that, but not the fact I could teleport. Fuck you for judging me.

While holding the crocodile thing down, I walked up to it and tried to think about the song thing, but no dice. I tried just singing a random song and the first thing I thought of was the song about ducks and grapes from Youtube. I could have been less retarded about it, but it really was the only thing I could think of. Thankfully, I was saved from singing such a silly song by the magic bullshit actually working, so when that was over, I let the thingamabob go and got on with my wonderful day.

I whistled the duck song to myself as I came to Steven Magnet’s river. I figured I would wait for him to show up since he had a great way of doing that. Well, I also didn’t want to get my electronics wet, so I just sat there waiting for about ten minutes before I realized that he was nowhere to be seen. I took out the memo pad I’d kept on Earth and added ‘See Steven Magnet’ to my list of things to do later after I got myself back home and settled in. I decided to stop being stupid and just used my tentacle as a hazy bridge to cross the river, and once I was over it, I knew that I was heading in the right direction. I let the clean, fragrant air wash over me as I came closer and closer to the edge of the Everfree, a smile touching my features as I went along.

The path out of the forest was clear and it only took me a few more minutes to reach to the edge of the place. When I was finally well and truly out, I took a moment to take Ponyville in, but something just seemed… Off, I guess. I remembered the scene I’d first seen when I came to Equestria pretty well, and this just wasn’t it. I was instantly certain that Ponyville had grown as a town while I was away and that just made me smile and shake my head. Mary had gotten what she’d wanted, and I was sure that the expansion would only continue if she had anything to say about it. With all of my standing around for the hour done, I took a step into the direction of my town and got blasted from my blindspot by something fast and blue.

When we came to a stop, I was a little salty. Rubbing my head, I said, “Oi! Fucking watch it!”

“Dude! Why the buck were you in the Everfree!?” A familiar tomboyish voice asked.

I’m sure we froze at the exact same time because I know we turned our heads just as slowly as the other.

“Again? Seriously?” I asked.

“Max?” Rainbow whispered.

“In the flesh, Blue Bean. What’s with you and tackling-” I only got so far before she tackled me.

Rainbow sat on my hips and pulled me up to her face by my jacket. “Where the buck have you been!?” She shouted in my face, shaking me violently.

I put my hands on hers to stop the shaking. “I’ll explain everything when I get you girls together, so knock it off, yeah?”

“Max, how the buck do you just disappear for a two years and expect somepony-”

Fucking what. “Rainbow, what the fuck did you just say?”

“That’s right! You’ve been gone for two years!” She glared at me. “I bet you were just having the time of your bucking life, weren’t you!? Making everypony worry about you-”

I grabbed my head and leaned back, so Rainbow let me drop. “Two fucking years… I was barely gone a fucking month…”

Rainbow put two and two together. “What do you mean a month!? Max, you’ve been gone so long, everypony thinks you’re dead!”

I groaned. “Aww fuck!” I shouted, startling Rainbow. “Look, get off me. Once I get home and get settled in, I’ll start getting the girls together and explain everything, okay? I promise, Rainbow, I didn’t mean to be gone so fucking long.” My anger built again rapidly. “Goddammit!”

Rainbow got off and squatted next to me. “Dude… Are you okay?”

“Physically? Yeah. Mentally? Sorta. Emotionally? I just hit in the fucking face with a ten tonne brick, Rainbow.” I sat up and buried my face in my hands, my worries overriding my happiness from finally being home

I don’t know what the fuck I thought. A town as small as Ponyville couldn't afford to expand as fast as I assumed, and I knew that the time dilation was a real factor, but I thought I’d been gone for a few months at most. Max had told me that I’d disappeared sometime in early October and I’d come back in during the middle of January, so that told me I’d only been gone three and a half months to the ten or so odd ones I’d been in Equestria. It just didn’t make any fucking sense! I’d only been there a month, which should have equated to like, two or three here in Equestria! I’d been gone longer on the assassination mission, which was the entire reason why I’d stayed so long after getting the SIAC founded and started. Sure, I wasn’t expecting God to throw me- Aww fuck. I’m certain that this is punishment for not going when I was supposed to! Petty bastard cock sucking mother fucker!

Before I get myself sent to Hell on general purpose for cursing at a God who I know is a petty fucker, I need to get back to what happened. After I said the brick thing, Rainbow tentatively put a hand on my shoulder.

“...I dunno what to tell you dude. I guess I’m gonna go home for now. When you get that letter sent, I’ll be the first one over.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Don’t tell anyone I’m back yet.”

“Why not?” She asked testily.

“Because I just don’t want you to. If they’re angry at me, then I want to experience it first hand. If they’re happy to see me, then I want the same. Either way.”

“...So you’re just gonna let ponies be mad at you for something I don’t think you even had control over?”

“I’ll tell them when I see them. If I don’t take this on the chin then it’s-” I thought of something, so I lifted my face from my hands and looked at Rainbow. “Wait, is my house still there?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Princess Celestia has it cordoned off. A lot of ponies are starting to think it’s haunted.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank… Well, not God right now because fuck that guy, but maybe Uror? I could just thank Celestia. I’ll thank her when I see her, actually.”

“I feel like you explained who that God guy was awhile ago.”

“I did. I’ll see you in a bit, Rainbow. I’m gonna go get Fluttershy out of the way so I can see her and Nashoba.”

“You do that, dude, but I think you should go see Twilight first.” Rainbow suggested.

“I’m saving the best for last.” More like saving the most emotional for last.

“...You’re totally just putting it off because she’s going to kill you, aren’t you?”

“...I don’t want to see her cry, Rainbow.” I admitted.

“Then I guess I’ll go tell everypony to keep quiet about her for today. Give me like, five minutes to get to Fluttershy and I’ll hit Applejack next. Pinkie and Rarity are gonna have to be last, so try and work that way, alright?”

“Thanks I think. Why are you trying to keep quiet about her?” I asked, scratching my head.

“Dude, some big stuff has happened while you’ve been away and I want you to see it for yourself.” She answered cryptically.

I gave her a look, but she seemed resolute. I shook my head and said, “Do what you gotta do.. You’re faster than me anyway, but don’t mention that I’m coming around, okay?”

“That kinda rhymed.”

“Rainbow, seriously.”

She saluted. “I gotcha! Nopony’s gonna know you’re here until you show your face!”

I nodded. “Thank you. If someone isn’t home, I want you to tell them that someone’s looking for them and that they should be by soon. Don’t mention who, just that someone is.”

“Dude, you’re so sneaky! Is this why you’re good at pranks?” She asked in hushed tones.

“It’s finesse, not… Well, it’s a bit of both really. You could say that, I guess.”

“We’re totally pulling pranks when you're on your feet again! Pinkie Pie’s been down since the funeral thing-”

My blood ran cold. “Funeral?”

Rainbow pursed her lips and looked away, rubbing the back of her head. “...We thought you were dead. I said that.” Well guess who wasn’t paying attention?

“Awwww shiiiiiiit!” I groaned. “That’s gotta be the worst setta’ words I coulda fuckin’ heard!”

Rainbow pursed her lips off to the side. “Hey, you could always be actually dead.”

I glared at her. “...Go see Fluttershy before you tell me Twilight started dating someone else.”

She raised a brow at me and my heart fell before she said, “Yeah, that’s not happening, dude. I’d say more, but that’d be telling you about Twilight.”

“Alright, now go before I choke you for letting me think Twilight moved on to someone else.”

Rainbow got up and got gone, so I figured I could spend some time with Noir while I was waiting. Since I was out of the Everfree, I was pretty safe, so I crossed my legs and did the usual shit. When I opened my eyes, I was immediately assaulted by Noir in the form of a very jiggly, quite pleasant hug. She told me that she’d missed me again and I told her that it had only felt like a couple of hours to me. Noir switched tactics from being happy to see me all over again and went with consoling me about being gone so long. Even to her who’d been counting the days, things just didn’t make any sense. There had to be something sketchy going on in my mind as well, otherwise something just didn’t make any sense. If it had only been weeks, then it shouldn’t be this fucking long. Noir and I realized at the same time that she’d been passively altering time while crossing the border between the worlds, but we just didn’t know why that had happened. What was only weeks to her and minutes to me were entire years in Equestria. After that learning that my homecoming wasn’t necessarily going to be a happy one, I asked Noir if she wanted to blow a few hours watching a movie or something and she picked The Guardians Of The Galaxy because she liked Gomorrah.

We watched the movie, but my heart really just wasn’t into it. Noir sensed that pretty quickly and told me to just go and get my visits over with, so I apologized for being such a sad sack, but she just gave me a peck on the cheek and told me that learning about one’s own death was a hard thing to face. One slow blink later, I was back in front of the Everfree and I had to head towards Fluttershy’s place. I did so quickly so I could rip off the five super-glued band-aids off as quickly as I could, but when I got to the back of Fluttershy’s cabin, Nashoba was already waiting for me outside. I gave her a wave and she just stared me down as I grew closer, scaring me a little bit. When I was standing in front of her, she had something to say.

“You’ve been gone for some time, Max.”

I nodded. “So I’ve heard. In my defense, it was only a month in my time.”

“Everyone thinks you’re dead.” She stated simply.

“...I know. Can I have a hug?”

“I would be offended if you tried to talk to the Broodmother without giving me one first.”

I knelt down and gave her the hug. “I missed you, Nashoba. Five weeks never felt so long.”

“You should try two years sometime. I knew you would return, I just didn’t know when.” She said softly.

“Thanks for believing in me. If you want to head to my house when I call Fluttershy over, you’re welcome in my home like always. Just don’t be a bitch and gloat about being right, okay?” I let go of her.

She tilted her head at me and her eyes sparkled. “But Max, I am a bitch.”

I gave her a look. “Not your definition, my definition.”

“My definition is the correct one. Yours is flawed.”

“See? You’re already being a bitch.”

“But Max, I am a bitch. How could I be anything other than what I am?”

“Shut up and come on. We’ve gotta go see Fluttershy and get this crying done so I can go get hurt by Applejack.” I sighed.

“Still the masochist, I see. I look forward to your pain.” She jested. I rose and patted her head.

“If I’m a masochist, you’re a sadist.” I said, walking towards the front of the house.

I had Nashoba go in first and listened for her to start talking to Fluttershy. When I heard Fluttershy’s soft voice above the breathing and heartbeats of tiny animals, I let myself in and walked into her living room. She flinched at the creaking of her door, but when she saw me, her eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed before she exposed the whites of her eyes.

“M-Max?” She said so softly, even I could barely hear her.

“Wotcher Fluttershy. I’ve heard it’s been a long time.” I said patiently.

She slowly walked over, leaving Nashoba behind to come stand in front of me. Fluttershy poked my chest a few times and looked into my eyes. “You’re here… You’re- You’re alive…”

I gave her a hug and squeezed her tight. “I missed you, poppet. I didn’t mean to be gone for so long, but I’m back.”

Fluttershy stood stock still in my arms for a few moments before returning my hug. She weeped softly into my shirt and I held her for awhile, stroking her hair and secretly enjoying the feeling of her funbags squishing against me. Before you call me an arsehole, keep in mind that we were standing there for a good twelve minutes before she finally calmed down enough for me to let her go.

“W-Why? Why were you gone so long?” Fluttershy hiccupped.

“I’ll explain everything when I get the girls together, okay? Just know that I didn’t want to be gone this long. Please don’t ignore that.”

Fluttershy looked at me, her expression telling me that she wanted me to answer all of her questions then and there, but she just nodded. “O-Okay.”

“Thank you. I’ll send you a letter when I’m finished with reuniting with everyone and we’ll all meet up at my house.” I promised.

“Y-Your house i-is locked up…” Fluttershy said.

“I’ll find a way to unlock it. It’s my fucking house, after all.”

She gave me a wavering smile and tapped my chest with a fist. “I-I…” She shook her head, but the words wouldn’t come.

I touched my forehead to hers. “It’s okay, Fluttershy. I’m okay, and nothing bad happened to me. I think you’ll be proud when I tell you what I got accomplished, so just keep that in mind, okay?”

“...Rainbow told me that I can’t say anything about Twilight today…”

“I asked her to tell all of you girls that. Whatever happened with Twilight, I’ll see for myself.”

Fluttershy nodded and put her hands on my chest. “T-The sooner you see Twilight…”

“I understand. I’m saving her for last, so don’t tell her I’m back, okay?”

She tilted her head and frowned. “Why?”

“If she’s angry, then I want to take the brunt of it. If she’s happy, I want to see that too.” I answered simply.

Fluttershy shook her head at me and tried pushing me out the door again. “Just go and see her quick, okay?”

I gently pushed her hands away and knelt, touching her shadow and falling into it. When I surfaced, I was behind Applejack’s couch. Yes, I didn’t remember about the Shadow Diving thing until Fluttershy told me to be quick about it. Get the fuck off my back, okay? Either way, I was still in Applejack’s house, and the first person I saw was Granny Smith since she was sitting on the couch doing some needle point. I crept away and tried to get to the door as quietly as I could.

“I felt ya when ya came in, sonny. Ya wanna tell me how a Unicorn just teleports into somepony’s home and don’t say nothin’ to nopony?” Granny chided, not taking her eyes off her work.

“You know, I’m not exactly a Unicorn.” I said slowly.

Granny stopped cold and looked at me. “Dear Celestia…”

“I’m not a ghost!” I said quickly.

“That’s exactly what a ghost would say!” Granny shouted, pointing her needle at me.

“Seriously you old bat! Chill out before your heart explodes or something!”

Granny just stared at me, blinking rapidly. “I must really be losin’ it.”

“I’m not one to punch many old ladies, but you might just have to be like, the third or fourth one. You know, I don’t really keep count.” I scratched my head. “Do you consider people that are thousands of years old but look young to be old?”

“Well, they’re still older than me.” She pointed out.

“Then you’d be the fifth. I’ve punched Celestia and Luna, I think, and I know I knocked out two old ladies back on Earth. Come to think of it, I’m just a prick in general, aren’t I?”

“Yup, you’re definitely real. I’m guessin’ you’re here to get whooped by AJ for bein’ dead?”

I sighed hard. “Pretty much. I don’t wanna get hit, but I’m sure I’m going to whether I want to or not.”

Granny nodded. “She’s in the barn if you wanna talk to her.”

“...I know it sounds rather cowardly, but you you call her here with the triangle thing on the porch?” I asked meekly.

“Do it yourself, ya foal.” Granny huffed.

“Seriously, I’m thought to be dead for how long and you’re just going to let me get beat up?”

“Eeyup.”

“Evil old bag.” I muttered under my breath.

I headed outside and rang the triangle thingy a few times, waiting for Applejack to show her face. After a minute or two, she came out of the barn covered in straw, trying to brush the majority of it off as she walked. She actually made it onto the porch before she ever actually looked at where she was going, and even then I had to catch her before she opened the farmhouse door.

“What, no hello?” I asked.

Applejack looked at my hand and followed it up to my face. “Huh. Must be hotter in the barn than I thought.”

“You can’t hallucinate something this handsome, firefly.” I said with a smirk.

She blinked. “...Max?”

“My name’s getting asked more than said today. It’s a weird feeling.” I commented.

The orange cowgirl poked me. “Yup, feels real. You even got the accent down pat, but I’m still gonna break your jaw.”

I backed up. “Whoa now, I’m real! I’m the real me! Honest, I swear!”

She rolled her eyes at me. “If ya really think I’m just gonna let ya get away with posin’ as my dead friend, ya got another thing comin’. I’m gonna hurt ya for this.”

“You are way too calm about all this. Like, you’re scaring the fuck out of me right now, firefly.” I backed away slowly.

She rolled her sleeves up and our eyes met for the first time. I saw absolute fury within the placid green. “You keep callin’ me firefly, I’m just gonna break more stuff on ya.”

“Alright, ask me anything. anything. Something that only we would know, like what the first time we cuddled was like, or- or like how the first threesome we had with Fluttershy went!”

“So you’re either Pinkie or someone Pinkie told Max’s journals to. That’s a leg.” She stalked toward me and I knew that I was going to have to play dirty.

“You licked Fluttershy’s arse the first time we were together! You specifically asked me to leave that out of my journal and I did!”

Applejack turned bright red. “Wait, what?”

I evened out my breathing. “Don’t hold that against me. I really did leave that out of my journal and I promise it won’t make it in this time either.”

The farm girl just looked at me. “If you’re really Max, then where the buck have you been?”

I looked at her sadly, even though I was filled with relief. “Earth, firefly. I’ve been on Earth.”

She started walking toward me and drilled holes into my head to the best of her ability. “The Princesses said... But… They said you’d be back soon.”

“On Earth, I was only gone a month. Rainbow told me that I’ve been gone for two years.” I explained.

Applejack still slapped my shit. “Why did you go back in the first place!?”

I held my cheek. “I’ll explain everything when I get you girls together so we can talk, okay? Just don’t kick my arse over something I couldn’t control.”

She took her hat off and ran a hand through her hair, turning around and pacing the width of the porch. “Max, do you even know what you put everypony through? What you put Twilight through?” She stopped suddenly and looked at me, her shoulders slumping.

I felt my eyes well up. “I would have come back sooner if I could have. I promise, when I put everything on the table, you’ll see I’m just a pawn, AJ. This wasn’t my fault.”

Applejack set her jaw and brushed a thumb across one eye. “You keep tellin’ yourself that.”

That pissed me off a bit, but when Applejack went to the barn, there just wasn’t that much I could do to assuage her anger. I knew that she wasn’t going to see my side until the full story was out there, or at least, as much of it as I could get out without divine interference. With a heavy heart, I used my own shadow to get to Rarity’s shop, specifically into the closet where she kept her failed creations. I tried the door and it was locked, so I knocked a few times and waited, rubbing my head from where I’d rammed it into a rack while trying to get to my feet. After a few minutes and a fair bit of knocking, Rarity finally opened the door.

I waved at her. “Hullo, bonny.”

She waved back, wide eyed. “Hi.”

“As much as I like being in the closet, I’d like to come out. You know, if it’s no trouble.”

Rarity stepped out of the way and I stretched. “Wow! That was the best nap I’ve had in years! What time is it?”

Snow White looked at the clock above her work station. “Two thirty-three.”

I gave her an odd look. “Really? I could’ve sworn it was two thirty-five went I went in. What is today, by the way?”

She stared at me. “...If you tell me that you’ve been asleep in my closet for twenty three months, I’m going to hurt you. No, I might actually try to kill you. I would sully my hands with your blood for that.”

I knew she was dead serious. “I haven’t been sleeping in your closet. I was hoping that humor would soften the blow a bit since Fluttershy ended up crying and Applejack was about to beat me to death, but I see that I was wrong. I apologize.”

Rarity tilted her head. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t be doing either of those things. Rather, why shouldn’t I be doing both?”

“Because when I explain that I was only gone for a month in my time, surely you’ll see that I don’t deserve to be beaten to death. Rainbow Dash had to tell me that I was gone for two years, Rarity. I didn’t even know until she ran into me outside of the Everfree.” I assured her.

Rarity took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Surely you understand that I’m overjoyed and furious beyond words at the same time, yes?”

“Well, I’m handsome and infuriating, so I guess those extremes are quite possible.”

“If you were this blase regarding your two year disappearance with Fluttershy and Applejack, then I understand their reactions all the more.”

“I really wasn’t. You now I hate repeating myself, and I’m dreading seeing Twilight pretty hard at this point, so I’m trying to keep my spirits up by making light of it with someone who can control themselves.”

Rarity came over and slapped me lightly. While her hand was on the follow through, she came in for another with a savage backhand. “Be happy I’m stopping there. A lady must never lose her composure, after all.”

I rubbed my other cheek now. “Applejack slaps harder, but yours hurts worse.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll send you a letter when I get home so we can get on with this explanation.”

“If you’re at fault in any way, I’m castrating you.”

“I’m glad I’m blameless in all this. Hell, you’ll probably be proud of what I did while I was away.”

“You’d better hope so, Maximus. You’d better hope.” Rarity said softly.

I nodded. “Then I’ll see you in about an hour. I’ve gotta go see Pinkie next.”

Rarity said nothing, but she did gesture for me to use the front door this time, so I did as her motions implied. It was a quick walk over to Sugarcube corner, but I was garnering plenty of stares while I did. I recognized Trixie out of the crowd of people that was slowly gathering to follow me, so I started walking toward the mass of Ponies, but she stood still and waited for me to get close before she threw her arms around me.

“Please please please tell Trixie that you’re real!”

I hugged her back. “Hullo to you too, Trix.”

She looked up at me and hugged me tighter. “Trixie thought you were dead! Everypony thought you were dead!”

“As you can see, I’m not. I’ll send you a letter later and have you come to my house when I’m finished with seeing the girls again. All I need you to do for now is to not tell Twilight that I’m here, okay? Please just don’t do that. She’s the last of my friends I need to see and I still need to talk to Mum.”

“Anything! Trixie won’t say a word!” She turned around and looked at the crowd before amplifying her voice with magic. “This is a secret! Nopony is to know about his return, okay?”

There were nods from the crowd and I just gave Trixie a ‘Not bad’ kinda look. “Not bad. That was a lot more effective than me just shouting at people.”

She smiled and cleared her tears. “Trixie has much to tell you when we have the time, but please hurry to Mother’s shop. She needs to see you.”

That’s not worrisome. “I’ll do that right after I’m finished with Pinkie. I look forward to hearing what all’s gone on while I’ve been away. Thank you for not hitting me, by the way. Some people think I just disappear because I feel like it.”

Trixie nodded. “You will explain everything when it’s time. Trixie hopes that time is today.”

I hugged her again. “It’s about an hour away, Trix. Just hold on and I’ll answer your questions, okay?”

She nodded. “Trixie will hold you to that. Please talk to Mother though, okay? Trixie believes she is the one who needs to see you most.”

I nodded my agreement and she stood there, watching me as I went toward Sugarcube Corner, which was a little creepy in my book, but I figured that she was just happy to have me back. Speaking of emotions, Pinkie Pie was not necessarily happy to see me. When I walked into the bakery, she gave me a womanly look and set her hands on her hips.

“Well well well! If it isn’t Mr. Tardy Pants! What took you so long, Max?” Pinkie asked irritably.

“Time dilation.” I replied.

She let one hand fall and scratched her head. “Oh. I guess that makes sense. Otherwise, how would you have only been gone for a month, but have it be two years here? I should have thought about that more during your funeral.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m guessing you tried to tell everyone that I was just fine and that I was still coming back?”

“Yup! I’m one of the few ponies that held out for ya!” Pinkie beamed at me.

Something random crossed my mind. “Don’t tell me it’s because I still owe you that favor.”

“I won’t say it was, I won’t say it wasn’t.” Her smile turned sultry and she did a little twirl. “Don’t you think I’ve filled out a little bit?”

I actually paid attention and saw that she had, in fact, gone from a flat A-Cup to a small B-Cup. “Wow, you actually did. What did you do to your diet?”

“I added more milk!”

“Yeah, sure. I totally understand that.” I nodded sagaciously.

We just looked at each other for a moment. “Welp. You’ve said hi to me. Go get Twilight and Blueberry done so you can tell us about your Siyack thing!”

“Will do, Pinks. Thanks for not being mad at me.”

She gave me a look and her hair flattened slightly. “I knew what you were doing the whole time, Max. The Siyack thing was pretty good in my books, but what you did to Graham was something Pinkamena wishes she could do, and that’s not good. That’s not good at all.”

I nodded. “Let’s keep the dark stuff between us, yeah? It’s already a kick in the teeth to have me back. Let’s not add me being pretty damned evil to the list of things for people to hold against me.”

“Oh, we’re talking about it, but it’s going to stay between me and you.” Pinkie said with finality.

“And so it shall be.” I sighed.

“We can do it after the little session! If you don't think about it too hard, it won’t be that weird!” Pinkie gave me a thousand watt smile.

I just chuckled and shook my head. “I’ll see you later, Pinkie. Might be a little late, but I’ll keep that promise.”

She waved me off and I made the second hardest part of my trip. Blue’s shop was just down the street from Sugarcube Corner, so I didn’t have all that much time to think about what I was going to say before I said it, but when I got to Blue’s shop, something just felt wrong about it. Her name was still on the sign, but when I walked in, the mare behind the counter just didn’t seem like the woman I’d known. Blue was staring off into space, her hand providing a rest for her head that held more greys than I remembered. She seemed like she’d lost a fair amount of weight, so I was a little numb when I walked in, my eyes locked on her. I actually bumped into someone on my way in, but I wasn’t paying attention, though I vaguely remember hearing them gasp.

When I stood in front of the counter, my voice was a little weak. “Mum?”

She blinked and twitched a bit, so I reached out to stroke her mane. “Mum. It’s Max.”

Blue snapped out of her reverie and glared at me until she got a good look at me. “Dear Celestia… Is it… Is it really that time?” She seemed to grow a little happier.

That sent chills down my spine. “Time for what?”

She grabbed my hands and gave me a smile. “Time for me to join you! I was so lost when you died, Max, but now we can be-”

“Mum, what in the bloody fuck are you talking about?” I asked softly, brushing her cheek with my hand.

“You’re not here to take me to the afterlife?” My Mum whispered.

I felt my heart break. “N-No, of course not! I’m alive! You’re alive! Nobody’s dead!”

She just barked out a laugh. “Then this is just another cruel delusion.”

I couldn’t control myself and smacked her across the face, making her eyes go wide. “Did that feel like a fucking delusion!?”

Blue slowly turned her head and looked at me, the mania clearing from her eyes like I’d slapped it out of them. “M-Max?”

I took a few steps back and vaulted over the counter. Well, I tried to and ended up hooking my foot on the edge, making me fall on my face and hurt my pride, but precious little else. I got back up with a bright blush on my face and tears in my eyes, hugging my mother once I was standing properly.

“I’m back, Mum. I really am.” I said shakily.

Blue squeezed me tight and started bawling her eyes out. “I-I can’t believe it! They said you were gone!”

“I was on Earth, my home planet. I promise I’ll explain everything to you, I swear. I never… I… Mum, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I shed tears of my own to match hers.

She let me go and cupped my face in her hands, wiping away my tears. “Don’t you be sorry for a minute, baby. Momma’s here for you, okay?”

My voice was so thick it was hard to speak. “But-”

“It’s okay, baby. You’re home now. You’re finally home.” Her lips quivered and she blinked back tears.

“...How am I ever going to forgive myself for putting you through that, Mum? You were ready to go.” My voice cracked.

Blue just gave me a sad, tear stained smile. “Don’t you blame yourself for a moment, Max. You said that you would be back, and I just didn’t have enough faith in you. So few ponies did, and…” She looked away from me and let her hands fall. “I’m sorry I let myself get to this point. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you.”

I gripped her shoulders. “How could anyone expect you to be okay after losing two sons, Mum? When the Princesses said that I was gone, how were you supposed to know better than them? I don’t blame you, not for a second. I’m just glad that you’re still here for me to come back to.”

Her eyes met mine again and she hugged me one more time. We stood there for a long time, trying to give each other some semblance of comfort.. “I love you so much, baby. Please, please, don’t leave me like that again.” She murmured.

“I swear I won’t, not if I can do anything about it.” I promised, holding her close.

Someone coughed and we just looked at them. The lady stood there awkwardly for a moment. “...This is a bad time.”

“I’m seeing my son for the first time in two years after thinking he was dead. You couldn’t have picked a worse one.” Blue sighed.

I let my Mum go. “Moment over. I’ve got to go talk to Twilight next, and before you say anything, I need to see what’s changed about her for myself, so no spoilers.”

Blue nodded a couple times and wiped the rest of her tears from her eyes. “You better come back.”

“Actually, I want you to come over to my place when I send you a letter. I’ve got some explaining to do.” I said grimly.

“Baby, I don’t even care why you were gone. I’m just so glad you’re back.” She gave me a smile that warmed my aching heart.

I kissed her forehead. “Still, I owe it to you and my friends. I’m sorry for visiting you second to last, but if I’d known that you were so…” I trailed off.

“Depressed?” She offered sadly.

The interrupting twat opened her mouth.

I looked at the lady and held up a finger. “If I’d known, you would have been first.”

“It’s okay, baby, it really is. I’ll see you soon.” Blue kissed my cheek, but neither of us wanted me to go anywhere.

I eventually took a deep breath and made myself leave before I could break down again. It hurt knowing that losing me had made Blue so depressed and slightly psychotic that seeing visions of me were a normal thing, but what really hurt was knowing that I might have been able to prevent her from being so willing to die. I tried not to dwell on it during the short trip to the Treebrary, but it was eating me up already, but I couldn’t afford to swallow the pain unless I wanted to damage my mind even more. It was like I’d stuck myself in the chest with a blade, knowing that my disappearance had such an effect on her. As I stood on Twilight’s stoop, I pledged to never cause Blue so much pain again, and as I knocked, I hoped that Twilight wasn’t in a similar state.

When Spike saw me, his jaw dropped. My eyes widened. The guy was up to my chin now when he’d been short as fuck a month ago, but then I reminded myself for the hundredth time that I’d been gone two years. We stood there staring at each other for a good minute with him rubbing his eyes and me blinking a few times.

“Wotcher.” I said blankly.

“Sup.” He said just as blankly.

“Spike! Who’s at the door?” Twilight called from inside the library.

We both looked toward the living room, and when we looked back at each other, I held a finger to my lips and Spike nodded. “We have a visitor!” He called back, his voice considerably deeper than when I’d last heard it.

I followed Spike in and ignored the decorative changes completely. Twilight called out again. “I know we have a visitor! Who is it?”

“Chill, Twilight! You’ll see in a second!” He looked back at me and made the ‘yapping’ gesture with his hand.

“Keep giving me attitude and I’ll ground you!” Twilight threatened.

Spike and I turned the corner. “Yeah Spike, quit being like me and follow your sister’s example. How many times have I told you that I’m not a good role model?” I asked loudly.

Twilight saved her page in her book and looked up, raising a brow at me. I noticed that she had her half of our book in her hand. “Seriously, did you think I wouldn’t feel your presence, Max?”

“I was hoping for a pleasant surprise or maybe a tear filled reunion-” I started.

Twilight teleported over, grabbed my hair and brought my lips to hers rather forcibly. I thought it was incredibly hot in the moment and I lost myself rather quickly in our kiss. Then Twilight slipped me a little tongue and pulled away.

“How was that for a pleasant surprise?” She asked flirtatiously.

I pursed my lips. “If you want to go for a really pleasant surprise, we could try it again. I’m not expecting it at all.”

My lover rolled her eyes. “You’re really not in any position to make demands, amour.”

“It’s not a demand, it’s a suggestion.” I pointed out.

Twilight grabbed my arms and squeezed. “It’s been two years and all you want to do is kiss?”

Spike gagged. “Nope, I’m outta here. Catch me at Apple Bloom’s.”

We watched as he left and Twilight dragged me over to the couch, but I put up some resistance when I realized that she had fucking wings. “Twilight.”

She looked back. “Yes, amour?”

“Are you an Alicorn now?” I asked Dumbly.

“And a princess, but I don’t really do much. We can take turns with questions, but I want some cuddle time as of two years ago. You’ve got a lot to make up for.” She wagged a finger at me.

I allowed her to drag me onto the couch and position me how she wanted with magic. It was a little strange, but she basically had me splayed against the arm of the couch so she could lie on my chest. “You know, I’m pretty shocked that you’re taking the whole being gone for two years thing so well.”

She shrugged. “You said you would come back.”

“...Wow…” I murmured.

Twilight looked up at me. “Wow what?”

“You still had faith in me, even when everyone stroke Pinkie thought I was dead. Hell, even my own Mum thought I was gone for good.” Frankly, I’m still a bit shell shocked.

She spread her hands. “You said you’d never lie to me and you haven’t.”

“Dear non-sucky deities, do I ever fucking love you, cherry.” I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her.

“I love you too amour.” Twilight sighed. After a moment of basking in the familiar feeling of cuddling, she asked, “So I take it you saw Blue today?”

“Yeah.” I answered. Nice feeling wavering.

“Trust me when I say that she took it the hardest. Sure, I doubt the girls are terribly happy with you at the moment since I was pretty torn up when you didn’t come back after six months, but I got over it. Blue still hasn’t really gotten over it.” Twilight told me.

I sagged against the seat. “...Yeah. I know. She thought I was coming to take her soul to the afterlife.”

Twilight lifted my hand to her mouth and kissed it. “What about now? I’m sure you wouldn’t just let it lie there.”

“...I snapped and smacked her.” I admitted, guilt twisting my stomach into knots.

“But did smacking her get your point across?” Twilight asked casually.

“Well, yeah. She couldn’t really call me a delusion after that.”

“Then you did better than myself and Trixie. I’m not going to say I agree with that, but if it works…” She shrugged.

“Are you really saying I should hit depressed people?” I asked incredulously.

“If you think it’ll snap them out of it, maybe. I don’t agree with hitting ponies in the first place, but you don’t know how many times I tried to give Blue hope, to tell her that you were coming back. I actually had dinner with her and Trixie the other day, and she broke the last bit of hope Trixie had. Which reminds me, have you seen her already?”

“I have. I told her that I’d get all the girls together and explain what happened back at my house.”

“Are you planning on doing that?”

“Yes, actually. I was expecting there to be more crying when we finally saw each other again, so I’m switching crying time to cuddle time.”

Twilight patted my leg. “Cuddle time later. I want to hear about what you’ve been up to these past two years.”

“Well, for starters, I’ve only been gone for a month on Earth. Speaking of, why don’t the girls know that I went back to Earth?”

Twilight flipped over, putting her hands on my shoulders with her knee in a very dangerous area. “To answer your question, Celestia’s rather ashamed of the fact that she was controlled into sending you off in the first place, so she asked me to keep your destination a secret. To address the other thing: You bucking what?”

I blinked. “Yeah, the time dilation between worlds is ridiculous, though I think the thing that made Celestia send me off in the first place punished me for not going back to Earth when we went to Bridleland.”

“...So you were only gone for four weeks?” Twilight asked.

“Five, but I got a lot accomplished while I was there if that makes it any better.”

Twilight pouted. “Well that’s not fair at all. How is making us miss you for two years punishing you?”

“My Mum was ready to kill herself when I got back, Applejack nearly beat me to death, and making my friends suffer hurts me more than suffering myself.” I replied somewhat neutrally.

“That still sounds like we’re suffering more than you.” Twilight got up and pulled me to my feet.

“Quick question: Is the Alicorn strength being used here?”

“Yup.”

“Great. My girlfriend is stronger than me.” I sighed.

Twilight patted my chest. “Look on the bright side, amour. You’re more muscular and you’re a lot more lethal than I could ever be.”

I rolled my eyes. “And if you decide that you wanna hug me too tight one day?”

“Hush! Shush! We have places to be and letters to write, Mister!” Twilight grabbed my hand and teleported us into my house.

My shit was exactly where I’d left it, though I guess Berry Blitz wasn’t expecting anyone to be coming in. She sighed as she clomped down the stairs, and when she came into the living room, she muttered. “This place always feels so empty now.”

“It’s a good thing I’m back, now isn’t it?” I said, walking to the dining room.

I heard Berry’s hooves clop on my floor and skitter to a stop not far behind me. I turned around to see her staring at me wide eyed. “I can’t believe it…”

Twilight hooked her arm through mine. “Seeing is believing, Berry. My amour is back.”

“Boss!” Berry cried, throwing her arms into the air. “I thought you were a goner after the funeral!”

I looked at Twilight. “How many times do I have to tell people I don’t stay dead for it to stick?” Looking back to Berry I said, “If you want to hang out for a little bit, I’m about to explain why I was gone for so long.”

Berry glanced at Twilight, so I glanced at Twilight. She was looking at me with a brow raised. “...Or I could write you a memo and you can ask your questions some other time I guess.” I said slowly.

Twilight nodded and Berry gulped. “I’m just gonna… I mean…”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Go home, Berry, and thanks for looking after the place while I’ve been gone.”

“No problem, boss. I’ll see you some other time.” Berry said, already backing away while glancing at Twilight. When she was out of the house, I gave Twilight a look.

“Since when are you THIS possessive?” I asked, amused.

“Since I realized that the next time you go away, I might not see you again for a couple years.” She replied curtly.

“Fair enough. It’s letter writing time, I guess.”

And so we wrote letters. Twilight’s penmanship had actually gotten a bit better with some time, or maybe her new status just meant that she had to get good at writing things. Either way, we got the letters done quickly enough, but before we sent them off, I took a moment to really look at Twilight. She sat up straighter than she used to, telling me that she had a bit more confidence, and her hair was a bit curly at the ends instead of being straight cut like it had once been. I liked the new style, and Twilight herself seemed a bit more mature than when I’d left, though her new possessive streak tickled me in all the right ways.

My lover did the same thing to me, taking in my new beard and longer hair. I imagine she noticed that I’d gotten a bit beefier, if the look of approval she gave me was anything to go by. Our eyes met while we were checking each other out and I wiggled my brows at her.

“Someone’s been getting even more beautiful while I was away. I never though it was possible.” I flirted.

She blushed and giggled .”I see someone hasn’t been letting his workout routine falter. I like the results.”

“So it’s agreed?”

She nodded. “We’re both still physically attracted to each other. When this is over, no matter how it ends, we’re cuddling so hard.”

“You’ll have to pry me off of you with a crowbar.”

“Stuck like Pinkie’s best glue.”

We nodded again and started sending the letters off one by one. I started with Rarity and Pinkie since they were the furthest away, followed by Blue and Applejack and ending with Fluttershy and Trixie. Twilight actually did some hardcore maths and figured out how long it would take each of them to get here from where they lived, so we sent the letters off in intervals that would have the girls arriving at pretty much the same time. I told Twilight ahead of time that I owed Pinkie a sexual favour and she shrugged it off, telling me that sharing me with her friends was still alright. She did ask me if I was starting to find Pinkie attractive and I responded with a firm no, stating that she now looked like young jailbait instead of a loli. She didn’t know what either of those words meant, so as we were cuddling on the couch, I explained them to her and she called me weird.

The girls, Nashoba, Blue, and Trixie and Spike came in within minutes of each other and everyone picked a spot. Twilight got off of me so Blue could sit beside me on the couch and Trixie took the other end. Pinkie sat on the weird part of my sectional that had no back to it, and with the couch situation… Well, situated, I started explaining what had happened from the very beginning with the compulsion I’d felt when we went to Bridleland. From there, I went into the part about how Chrysalis had visited me and when I’d assaulted her over learning that I was going to be forced into going back to Earth and the repercussions of my actions. I decided to be straightforward about the fact that Celestia, Luna, and I had all been controlled by something stronger than Nightmare Moon during the process of me going to Equus’ Wiltshire. Applejack and Rarity were quick to deride me for trying to shift blame until Twilight told them that she was casting a truth spell for the duration of the conversation. That didn’t make me happy at all, but she told me that it wasn’t for her sake since she already knew for a fact that I wasn’t going to lie to her. I thanked her for her continued faith in my word and continued on shortly after.

The next thing I told them about was the fact that I’d been beating myself up over making Twilight feel like an excuse for me to do evil since I’d left Equestria, but Twilight told me that she’d forgiven me sometime ago. I still hadn't forgiven myself for it, so I apologized from the bottom of my heart before telling them that I’d met Maxwell who now went by Will shortly after arriving on Earth. Rarity pointed out the fact that I’d told everyone that he was dead and I told them what he’d been dead to me. When I saw him, standing in front of our old hideout, I was fucking thunderstruck. Blue quipped about Humans not staying dead very well and I just gave her a smile since I had nothing else to say on the matter.

After that, I moved on to learning why I was supposed to be on Earth, in England, in the first place and I told them that I’d just known that I was supposed to protect my brother from people who were after his life. I explained that I’d gone to find the person in charge of the people most likely to come after his life and told everyone that I’d made him change his mind about the hit on Will. Twilight was the first to ask how I’d managed to do that without magic and I told her that I had all of my powers from Equus on Earth. She also put it together faster than anyone else and asked if I’d used Dark Magic to alter Stefano’s mind. I confessed to it outright, but I defended myself by saying that I’d thought of just killing him and being done with it. I’d spared his life, albeit in a terrible way, but he was still alive when I left and he was out of his life of crime.

There were mutterings under breaths about the morality of my decision to alter his mind instead of flat out killing him. Fluttershy, Pinkie, Blue, Trixie, and Twilight were on my side, stating that killing him would have been worse than just altering him, but Applejack and Rarity were firmly against altering someone’s mind in any way. Spike and Nashoba didn't voice an opinion. I told them that I was either going to end his life or save it from the terrible sins he’d been committing against other people, and when I spilled about his dealings, it got a lot harder for Rarity and Applejack to argue against me, although I didn’t actually have to say much. Blue asked them if they were really willing to let people just be evil so they could still do what they want, making an argument that I was familiar with through my rationalizations. Applejack maintained that I could have just made him confess to whatever crimes he’d done, but I told her that I was the only one with magic on Earth. No one could see into his mind and learn about what he’d done, so none of the evidence against Stefano would have held up in court unless I forced him to tell the police about the locations and whereabouts of his dirty dealing, but my point was that reforming him myself was better than just locking him away so he could get angrier and sneakier with time.

Twilight had remained silent for awhile until she asked how many people I’d reformed with Dark Magic. My heart palpitated and my mouth tasted like burning metal for a second, but I knew dodging the question would be worse, so I twisted the truth slightly by omitting certain parts. I started with how the people I’d run into while tracking down Stefano, explaining to my audience that the majority of them were either addled by drugs or were knifemen, waiting for people to rob. They were some of the worst members of society and would lie, cheat, steal, and kill for what they wanted. Twilight stopped me while I was setting up my defense and said that I’d ‘reformed’ them all. She’d posed it as a question, but everyone knew that it was a statement of fact. The room fell silent as I told them about the orders I’d given, but the silence lifted when I’d finished and Pinkie asked why I’d just told them to be good people instead of making them do my bidding. I looked at her, absolutely horrified by the prospect and told her that I’d never stoop that low. I admitted that people called me their leader, but I was resolute in my denial of any influence on that matter. The people I’d ‘reformed’ followed me of their own accord and I swore to everyone in the room that I’d never once abused their devotion to my cause. Hell, I told them that after founding my charity, I’d wanted my followers to just go on about their lives and try to be productive members of society, which is why I’d practically had to go into hiding for the last week of my time on Earth.

Fluttershy raised a hand and asked what a charity was and I explained it to her and the rest of the group, telling them that a charity was basically a group of people who helped other people. My charity in particular helped orphans, drug addicts, victims of rape, and basically the people most downtrodden by the way society worked. I mentioned that most charities were more focused than mine, but the SIAC had deep roots in multiple governments and was being paid for by drug money that had been repurposed from large gangs. I’d had to explain what gangs were, and when I told them about what gangs did, I was asked how I’d managed to get money from people so obviously terrible. I hung my head and told them that I’d reformed them through technological means and had to expound upon the Internet, phones, and computers. That took quite awhile, but I based everything I told them off of the silent movies they’d had in Equestria, so they ended up getting the picture. Twilight, however, wanted to know what I was talking about and asked to see into my mind to glean the information I was talking about. Of course I was a little hesitant, but I allowed her access to the technology related things despite my discomfort and once she had what she needed to understand how the internet worked and what it was, she explained it again and the girls had a better picture of what the fuck I was talking about.

Sadly, that brought up the question of how many people I’d reformed. I prefaced my answer with the fact that anyone who watched the video was given the option of turning it off or watching something else before I started using Dark Magic to coerce them into being better people, but Applejack cut to the chase with Rarity backing her readily. I told them that, when I’d left, I’d had over five hundred million people on my planet ready to be less shitty to each other. Jaws dropped around the room and Twilight told me that there weren’t even five hundred million Ponies in Equestria, Great Bridleland, and Mexicolt put together. I was shocked to learn that Equus was that drastically different in terms of populus and I was assured that I could have taken over a quarter, or maybe even a third of Equus’ known population with those. I told them that there were billions of people on my planet and jaws dropped again, but the fact that I’d ‘reformed’ people all over my world still stood and Applejack asked how I could just take people’s right to make their own decisions away from them. After reminding her that I’d been trying to make rape, murder, and theft evils of the past, no one said much against me.

I don’t know if it was Celestia’s conditioning or the fact that Ponies generally thought that everyone should do their best to be good people, but I’d expected a lot more arguing than the few minutes that had taken place here and there. I mean, when I first said that I was altering minds so people wouldn’t be doing horrible things anymore, Applejack and Rarity had been the first to object to what I’d said, but despite their earlier vehemence against my questionable morality, they were won over by Blue, Twilight, and Pinkie of all fucking people.

Once I’d gotten everything out on the table, Rainbow asked what had happened between me and my brother, striking a raw nerve rather hard. I quietly told her that he’d disagreed with my actions and that he’d hated me too much to even see me before I left. Twilight held my arm like she always did when I needed to recover from an emotional blow to the soft bits, and Blue held my hand. I thanked them both and asked about what all I had missed while I’d been away.

Twilight got things started in chronological order, so that was nice. Apparently, right after I’d left, Twilight had been sworn to secrecy about the details of my mission and hadn't been allowed to tell anyone about it, as well as being unable to speak with Celestia about it because the Solar Diarch couldn’t look her in the eyes. Twilight mentioned that I needed to let Celestia know that I was back and I asked if I should send her a letter since I had everyone here anyway. My lover suggested that we wait until everyone went home to tell her, though she didn’t explain her reasoning. I didn’t need or really want her to, so I agreed to wait and l waited for the shit I’d missed.

About a week after I’d left, Pinkie had cloned herself dozens upon dozens of times, plaguing the town with Party Ponies until Pinkie herself started doubting that she was the real one. I complimented her on the level of complexity she’d shown in doubting her own being since I’d never known Ponies to get terribly deep into such matters. It was a weird thing to compliment her on, but she herself and Twilight understood why it was praise instead of just barbed words posing as pleasant ones. We moved on and Applejack told me about her cousin Babs coming to town, but that was quickly overshadowed by the fact that Trixie and Twilight having a magic duel with the advent of some artifacts. I looked at them both and asked if they’d just decided to do foolish things while I was away and both of them blushed, stating that they’d just wanted to get their minds off of my absence. I immediately felt terrible and apologized for my transgression, but they both waved it aside, stating that an artifact called the Alicorn Amulet was now safely hidden away by Celestia.

That’s when Noir started screaming in my head.

I covered my ears and tried to block out the sound of her incessant raging, but she wouldn’t calm down enough to actually say what was going on. It took ten minutes of agonizing pain for her to realize that she was making my ears and nose bleed with her mental assault. The pain faded just as quickly as it had started, and once Twilight and Blue got me cleaned up, I explained that the Alicorn Amulet was Noir’s body as it had been altered by Discord and that the artifact was practically evil by nature since it was so tainted with his magic. After that, I just leaned back and tried to clear the scent of blood from my nostrils, wearily asking for my friends to continue with their news.

No one was very forthcoming after that, but I told them that the Alicorn Amulet was most likely the only thing that would ever set Noir off like that, so I would be good. Twilight trusted my word and prodded Rainbow to tell me about her experience with the Wonderbolts. When my face lit up, Rainbow gave me a smile and thanked me for getting her in. I told her to think nothing of it, but she persisted, telling me that all of the girls knew that I’d asked Celestia to do them all favours instead of asking for something myself on my own birthday. I may have blushed a bit and told her to just get on with her story, but she just said that she’d put off becoming one until she felt she was more prepared for it. I personally wondered how much time she had left at this point since she was starting to get older than their usual recruitment age, but it was none of my business.

Applejack thanked me for having Celestia remodel her house, even though she didn’t feel like it was necessary, and Twilight cut off my reply by thanking me for having her lab upgraded. I raised a brow at her and asked how many times she’d blown something up and she said that, in the past two years, she could count the occurrences on both hands. I rolled my eyes and gave her a peck on the cheek before asking specifically how many times she’d blown something up by accident. She blushed furiously and the girls had a laugh at her expense, so I wrapped an arm around her gave her a better kiss. Twilight didn’t want to break it off and neither did I, but I wasn’t trying to make out while getting caught up on current… Well, not current events anymore.

Rarity and Fluttershy both thanked me for adding resources to their respective lines of work via Celestia and I told them that they were welcome. Pinkie thanked me for getting her a place of her own, but those little asides done, I asked what else had happened while I was away. Twilight began again, telling me of her achievement in solidifying a new form of magic which was the reason why she’d become a princess. I congratulated her on her achievement, though she quietly added that she’d wished I’d been there to share the moment. That shut me up for a little while and no one felt the need to break the silence. It stretched on for a minute or two before Twilight asked if there was anything I’d like to say. I didn’t know what else to talk about other than how the news that I’d been gone so long was affecting me. I told them that I was ashamed of my cowardice for not going back when I should have, ashamed that I’d caused so much strife by just… Leaving them. I told them that I kept the mantra going that it wasn’t my fault, that there was no way for me to resist more than I already had, that there was no way for me to know that avoiding my quest in the first place would hurt my loved ones so much. It felt like I was just causing pain wherever I went all over again.

Twilight and Blue assured me that I’d done what I could and that I’d made my world a better place as a result of my actions, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that all I’d done was make things so much worse here through my actions. Twilight gave me a hug and changed the topic, asking me how it felt to go back to Earth. Honestly? It was… Strange. Equestria is my home now, and despite having my brother be there, alive and well, I just knew that there was nothing to hold me there like I had here. I delved into the fact that I’d missed the level of technology my people had and the various foods, but comparing Earth to Equus was like comparing a pothole filled with brackish, filthy water to the Pond in the Matron’s clearing. Equus was cleaner, more vibrant in the way it felt, and when I went back to Earth, it had struck me as dirty and corrupted, like it needed to be cleansed. Granted, I’d never been terribly far out of a city for long while I was on Earth, but you could literally taste the difference in the air, and if you paid attention, it was easy to smell the difference in even the purest bottled water. I’d missed Equus more than I’d ever missed Earth, and that’s all there was to it.

I received hugs from most of the girls for that, but glomping me was awfully warm, so I shooed them off, threatening to make them eat cupcakes Twilight baked. Her cooking was still notorious for being awful, so I was let go quickly enough and my lover gave me a good whack that I knew would leave a nasty bruise. Seriously, she’d gotten far too strong for her to keep hitting me that hard and I told her as much, showing her that the skin was already yellowing. Twilight looked away guiltily and I held her close, telling her that we could always limit her strength so she could use it when she actually needed it instead of having it all the time. She asked how I planned on doing that and I showed her the seal on the back on my hand and realized that she probably seemed so strong because it was still affecting me. I cleared it and asked her to pinch me, which still fucking hurt, but I was sure that it wouldn’t leave much of a mark now.

We eventually got back on track and they caught me up on a few more things, like the Equus Olympics that I hadn't been able to attend, Rainbow meeting her other favourite author, the girls getting sucked into Spike’s comics through magical means, Fluttershy turning into a ‘Vampony’ for a little while, and Pinkie learning that she was actually a distant relative of Applejack’s, which was actually pretty cool. Other than that, Ponyville had done some expanding and the population grew since Twilight was a resident Princess, though Celestia and Mary had already been working on the plans before I’d gone away. Time really doesn’t wait for anyone, but I’m glad that Twilight waited for me.

I made plans to spend some time with each of the girls to catch up some more with them over the course of the next week or two before they left, though Trixie and Blue stuck around longer so they could enjoy being in my company. Nashoba wanted a hug before she left and told me that she would be in touch soon enough, but we were both a little disappointed that we wouldn’t be spending that much time together. I told her to stop by when she had some spare time and she promised that she would, leaving me to talk to my family and my lover.

I didn’t have any food in the house since it had all gone bad years ago, so I offered to pay for dinner at Blossoms and Blooms because their spinach alfredo makes my stomach smile. Blue declined my offer to pay since she wanted to treat me, so I let her have her way, though I was adamant about paying for Twilight and Trixie. My lover just rolled her eyes and my sister did the same, but I still got what I wanted.

Dinner was nice and we kept the conversation light. Blue’s trouble over the past two years was tactfully avoided and Trixie’s eventual loss of hope was in the same boat. Twilight mentioned that she and Trixie now studied magic together, so I asked about that, genuinely interested in what they’d come up with during their research. Apparently they’d practically perfected the sleeping spell and warped it in a way so that you could get eight hours worth of rest in one, though it took a good bit of doing to manage. Trixie could only cast the spell twice a day since sleeping with the spell didn’t replenish one’s magic, but Twilight could get it off six times in a row without much trouble now that she had a larger pool of magic to draw from. I asked if she was going to keep building her potential until she rivaled Celestia, but Twilight shook her head, stating that she’d compared her magical capacity to the elder princess’ and found that she wouldn’t be able to catch up if Celestia didn’t want her to. I told her about my own True Magic growing stronger, but before I could get too deeply into it, Trixie and Blue asked what True Magic even was. I was about to explain when Twilight intervened, saying that True Magic was Alicorn level magic that couldn’t be clearly explained to those without it, but I was pretty sure that I could do it without taxing myself at all. Still, I took her hint and shut up about the matter, stating that I never would have brought it up if I would have known that little tidbit.

The four of us stayed and talked some more over our plates that had gone empty long ago. I was still fucking starving since I’d only gotten the one dish, but I wasn’t about to bankrupt my Mum by making her sate my ridiculous appetite. That being said, I gave her another long hug and told her that I’d be by the next day to spend some more time with her and Trixie did her best to crush me. I congratulated her for the third or fourth time about getting engaged to Orchid since I was happy that they’d worked out in the end, though I did mention to her that coffee was actually a delicious beverage and that she should partake in it more often. She recognized the jab for what it was after a few seconds and hit me for that, but it was worth it to see the look on her face.

With my Mum and sister being the last people in the way of our cuddle time, Twilight and I alighted to her house so she could tell Spike that she was probably going to be at my place for the next couple of days. He told her that he’d figured that he wouldn’t be seeing much of her for awhile and let told her to stop doting on him. I let him know that he was probably always going to be the same baby Dragon to Twilight and she agreed with me wholeheartedly, going to far as to pinch one of his cheeks and call him her ‘Big widdle bwudder’. Spike took his punishment with as much dignity as he could muster, though there wasn’t all that much, all things considered.

Twilight teleported us back to my house, but she didn’t even wait a full second before pulling me down for a passionate kiss that spoke volumes about how much she’d missed me. I held her as closely as I could, taking in every ounce of her being. I’d longed for Twilight while I was gone and I spent most of my days thinking about her, but I knew that Twilight had suffered a lot more than I had on that front and I wanted to make it up to her in every way possible, so when she broke our kiss, I waited for her to speak.

“Maximus.” She murmured.

“Twilight Sparkle.” I replied in the same hushed tone.

“I need to ask you something, and I know this isn’t the right moment, but it’s been on my heart since you’ve been away.”

“Anything. Ask and I’ll answer.”

“...Did you have any other mares while you were away?” My lover asked softly.

“No. I couldn’t ask your permission to do anything, so I abstained.” A pretty good feat considering how many times I’d been propositioned.

She breathed a sigh of relief. “I knew you would say that, but I couldn’t help but worry.”

I kissed her again. “I spent a lot of time thinking about you, cherry. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t worry about you.”

She pouted. “I think I spent a little more worrying about you. You should compensate me for that.”

“Tummy rub?” I asked hopefully.

Twilight gave me a look. “You’d better follow it up with a few favours. I haven’t let another pony touch me in two years.”

“I’m pretty sure you said that you made it eleven years with no problems, yeah?” I gave her a cheeky grin.

She nipped my neck, sending chills down my spine. “That was before I knew what I was missing. You’ve ruined me for any other pony, amour.”

“I’ve said the same to you and it’s still true. Well, substitute pony for person, and you have what I-”

My lover shut me up with her lips and reached into my trousers, surprising me rather pleasantly. “You talk too much.”

“Let’s get this tongue put to better use then.” I licked her horn.

We found a better use for my tongue. And for my fingers, but the tongue part was the most fun. Twilight was quite receptive to my advances and there were plenty of things that both of us wanted to try since we’d had time to ponder what the other would like. I introduced Twilight into the joys of being on top and she turned me into a female after getting me off twice as a male so we could keep going until both of us were twitchy and sensitive. On a completely related note, I learned that I no longer had any hang-ups about being penetrated, which I attributed to putting Graham through an unimaginable Hell. Twilight was thrilled to find that she could actually let her tongue go as far into me as it would reach and I was just happy that I could finally enjoy the full experience. Well, that and thinking of my vindication just made the experience that much better. I’d finally freed myself from some of my emotional shackles, and my lover was as ecstatic about that as I was.

After going for hours on end with no breaks in between, Twilight turned me back into a guy so we could cuddle in our natural forms. I turned on one of my bedside lamps so we could just look at each other, but we’d spent so long dancing the bedroom waltz, the Sun would soon make the light unnecessary. We looked into each other’s eyes and passed caresses back and forth.

“Cherry~” I undertoned.

“Amour~” Twilight replied.

“I missed your scent.” I said softly.

“I missed your eyes.” She responded.

“I missed your ears.”

“I missed your voice.”

“Was it because of the ‘accent’?”

Twilight chuckled. “More like I missed the underlying confidence.”

I gave her a little smile. “I missed your insight.”

“I missed your quirks.”

“I missed your mane.”

She blushed a little. “I missed your lips.”

My smile grew. “I missed the way you taste.”

She blushed a bit harder. “I missed your frankness. Nopony talks like you do.”

“Cherry, I’m no Pony.” I kissed her.

My lover rolled her eyes. “Obviously. Have you seen those little things you call ears? No self-respecting Pony would ever have those.”

I reached up and fondled her listening thingies. “No self respecting Human would go out in public with these. They only look cute on you Ponies.”

“Are you saying that Donkeys aren’t cute? Because that’s pretty racist, amour.”

“It’s not my fault I’ve never seen a cute one. They should try to be more attractive if they want to be considered cute.”

She booped my nose. “I’m sure they feel the same way about you.”

I shrugged one shoulder. “I only care if you think I’m cute. Well, it’s nice that Mum does, but she’s kinda supposed to.”

Twilight booped me again. “Speaking of mums, mine still thinks you’re dead. Is there any particular time you want to meet up with my parents, Fancy, and Fleur?”

“After we get Celestia here and clear the air with her, I still have to spend the day with Mum-”

“Max, we just spent the entire night having intercourse.” Twilight chuckled. “If you can still be active for an entire day after this, I’ll eat my crown.”

I lifted a brow at her. “I just need six servings of something and I’ll be fine. I don’t really need to sleep much anymore.” Not since my eye turned grey.

She furrowed her brow. “What do you mean you don’t need sleep?”

“I mean I stayed awake for a week straight on Earth and I was fine. I just didn’t sleep because I didn’t feel like it. As long as I have plenty of food, I’m fine.”

It took a moment for her to reply. “Wow… Just think of what I could get done in a week if I didn’t need to sleep!” Twilight said breathlessly

“Just think of how many kilos you’d put on eating like I do.” I turned and looked away. “Actually, I think you’d carry it quite well.”

She hit me lightly and judged my response. When I didn’t flinch, she hit me a bit harder and stuck her tongue out at me. “Are you telling me to get fat?”

“I’m telling you that you could and you’d still be hotter than a bonfire.”

She lifted the covers and looked down at herself. I looked too, but I was just thinking about doing her another favour. “Amour, do I look fatter than I was when you left?”

I poked her stomach. “No, you weren't fat in the first place. I know for a fact that your hips and bottom got a bit larger, but your waist looks the same and your bust looks perfect. I think you might be a bit more dense because of your Alicorn musculature, but I’ll just have to do more push-ups until I can carry you across town without a problem.”

Twilight looked a bit miffed. “My hips have not gotten larger!”

I my hand was currently on her hip, so I stroked it. “I might just not remember. It’s been five weeks after all.” But the nearly eidetic memory says you’re a little bigger.

She nodded. “Exactly. I thought you looked a bit bigger too.”

“Except I actually am bigger. I put on a full stone, or like, fifteen pounds while I was gone. It’s mostly muscle, but still.”

Her eyes widened. “So you really did get bigger!”

I nodded. “Yeah, it was a lot easier to find protein on Earth since my people are omnivores, so putting that with my normal routine and actually being able to go to a real gym, I got a bit bigger. I think I’ll convert one of my guest rooms to a weight room or something.”

She stroked my arm and squeezed it. “How did you put on so much weight so fast though?”

“I ate like a pig. There are buffets on Earth that will let you eat all you can. I got kicked out of a few for bringing back six to eight plates per trip, but even then I still left with room to spare.”

Twilight’s eyes sparkled and she looked outside. “You know, Ponyville has two buffets now that will let you eat what you want. Applejack and Rainbow are the record holders at the Zhongguo one with six plates each and an eggroll leftover on the seventh.”

I followed her eyes and saw that dawn was quickly coming. “Is there a breakfast one?”

“Breakfast all day, from nine in the morning to nine at night.”

“Oh whatever shall we do to fill the time?” I teased.

Her eyes lit up. “Can we do the intercrural thing again?”

“We could always turn you into a guy and let you make love to me.” I offered.

There was a pause. “...Next time. Definitely next time.” Twilight promised.

“I’ll be counting the hours. I’d count the seconds, but there are going to be a lot of them.”

She rolled her eyes and climbed on top of me. “That’s the point of counting them. If you didn’t have to count terribly high, why would anypony do it?”

“No one actually does.” I pointed out.

“Which is why it’s a metaphor, silly. You’re silly.”

I shrugged. “I’m just waiting for you to kiss me at this point.”

“Why don’t we kiss and have real sex?” Twilight suggested.

“Because we’re not married yet.” I answered simply.

She sighed. “I knew you were going to say that. Amour, I’ve been waiting for two long years-”

“Twilight Sparkle, I’ll give you the best sex anyone’s ever had on this planet if you just give me a little more time.”

“A little. You only get a little.” She said firmly.

I tapped her hip a couple times. “Hop off, then. Do you still have clothes here?”

“I think we might want to grab the clothes from my house. I don’t think that the ones we have here have been washed since you went away.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Do you want to finish up here, or do you want to wake Spike up with cries of passion?”

She gave me a pointed look. “I’m not going to let my legal age teenage brother catch us doing something I told him to wait for.”

I quickly bowled her over and leaned over her like she’d done to me. “Then let’s do some sexuals for the hour and get showered, yeah?”

“You make me want to close my legs when you say that.”

“That’s how you do intercrural, cherry.”

“That makes me want to open them.”

“And that’s how you do it normally.”

“If I didn’t I didn’t want you to shut up and put your thing somewhere nice, I’d tell you to just go do some laundry.”

I backed off and grabbed some lube from the nightstand. “It’s a good thing I can shut up then.”

Long story short, we both had our fun, got showered, and before we could change, we went to Twilight’s so we could get dressed. I still had clothes from Earth and my bag, but I knew Twilight would want me to show off as much as possible, so I just wore one of the unncessarily tight shirts she’d pressed me to get so long ago. Unfortunately, the shirt she picked out for me was now rather uncomfortably tight, but I just had to deal with it. It didn’t ride up on me at all, but the arms and chest made it seem like I was showing off or something, which was why Twilight liked them in the first place. She herself went with leggings that made me want to cop a feel and a blouse that matched them nicely. Once we were done with that, I brought Twilight back to my house so I could show her the technology from my world that I’d forgotten about and she was absolutely staggered. I showed her the multitude of MP3 players that wouldn’t die if you charged them with magic and the expensive laptop that I’d brought a couple of hard drives worth of games for. I introduced her to my favourite music from my world and some new things that I’d found on Spotify, and she fell in love with the Nu Jazz and general vibe of the Glass Animals instantaneously. We shared a pair of earbuds until Twilight said that they hurt her ears, so I pulled out the of over-the-ear headphones I’d gotten and we just listened to the same songs at the same time with different MP3s.

The breakfast buffet was now open, so Twilight and I picked up Blue before her shop could get terribly busy and I paid for our food. They both just stared as I devoured plate after plate of eggs, waffles, pancakes, and vegetarian sausages. I ended up talking to the manager of the place and asked if I needed to pay more since I was planning on going for more than seven plates and he told me that he was going to have to start setting a limit if I came in too often. Blue pointed out that slighting the Duke of the town he lived in probably wouldn’t work out too well for him if the Mayor heard about it and I gave her a sharp glare for trying to make me abuse my status. Then Twilight stepped in and told the manager guy that he had nothing to worry about and I said the same thing, but he was still pretty cowed. I just shook my head and paid extra for more food and ended up finishing off ten plates before I was actually full.

Blue scolded me for eating so much and I showed her that I didn’t even have so much as a stomach bulge from the sheer amount of food I’d eaten. The abs I’d been building were still there and Twilight even poked my stomach to check. They just shook their heads at my amazing capacity to eat many food and my lover bid me adieu so she could go get some sleep. Once she was gone, Blue asked if I’d been up all night and I admitted that I had, but that I could keep going for as long as I felt like it. She was quite worried about me wearing myself out, but I explained that I just didn’t need sleep that much anymore.

I didn’t have anything planned, so I asked, “Alright, so what do you want to do? I’m sure you’ve had some time to think about some activities.”

“I was hoping to have a walk around town with you and Trixie, if we can all find the time.” Blue said shyly.

I gave her a one-armed hug. “Sure thing. I’m pretty certain that Trixie wouldn’t mind joining us for an afternoon.”

Blue started off in the direction of Trixie’s house, so I followed closely. “She told you that she’s a magical researcher now, right? After she went to Celestia’s school, she basically earned herself a ticket to being one of the most respected Unicorns this side of Canterlot.”

“I remember her saying that she was a researcher over dinner, but I didn’t want to ask why she became a magician instead of going for something that was a bit more…” I trailed off.

“Respectable?” Blue said bluntly.

“That’s what I was going to say, but I didn’t want to sound like a prick.”

“Well I’m glad you said that I sound like a prick. Trixie still puts on shows from time to time, but they’re mostly for foals. She spends most of her time researching magic and teaching young Unicorns how to be more efficient with their magic.”

“That’s pretty cool of her, actually. We’ll have to talk about that on our walk.”

My Mum nodded. “I don’t know much about it myself, so it’ll be a learning experience for both of us.”

“Speaking of learning and things, how’s Onyx doing?” I asked.

“...I don’t really know.” She said softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I inquired gently.

Sighing, she said, “I lost him a year after you disappeared when I couldn’t keep my head up anymore. Onyx and Trixie just couldn’t reach me, so he stopped coming by, and I can’t really blame him-”

“I can.” I snarled. “If he loved you, he should have stayed with you.”

She placed a hand on my arm. “Try to understand, Max. It’s hard to watch somepony you love go down a dark path when you can’t do a thing about it.”

“Oh, I understand better than most Ponies ever could, but I know that it’s wrong to abandon someone in their time of need. I did it myself when I thought my brother was dead, but I was young and dumb. Onyx has no excuse.”

Blue shook her head. “Don’t dwell on it, baby. It’ll do you now good to get mad over something you can’t control.”

“I can shove my foot up his arse. I can control that.” I said darkly.

“...Let’s just go and get Trixie.”

I put a hand on her back. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m not going to go after him.”

My Mum perked up a bit. “That actually does make me feel better.”

I unhooked her bra through her shirt. “That does mean I’m going to fuck with you to get it out of my system though.

She covered her chest with one arm and pounded me with the other. “Maximus, you absolutely terrible colt! I’m going to beat you until you’re the same color as me!”

“Just magic it fastened again. Jeez, you’d think you could strap on a brazier, Mum. You’ve only been doing it for twenty years.”

She glared at me and her horn lit up before she took her hands away. “That is npot something you do to your mother, Max! One of your little filly friends maybe, but not your Mom!”

I shrugged and started walking again. “I’m just checking to see if you’re paying attention.”

She followed me to hit me some more. “Paying attention to what!?”

“Something other than me.” I said cheekily.

“Well then!” She huffed.

I threw my rapidly bruising arm around her shoulders and gave her a thousand watt smile. “Come on, Mum. You know it’d be funny if it wasn’t you.”

She hit me right above my navel, though she did so much more gently that she had when she was pounding my arm. “It really wouldn’t be. Do you know how hard it is to get one of these things on already? Doing it while fully clothed and with magic is just that much worse!”

“I don’t know about doing it while clothed, but I’ve done it before.”

“Then you at least have an idea!”

“I’d say I don’t just to mess with you, but that would be stupid.”

“You are stupid.” She muttered under her breath.

“Hey now, no need for insults, mother dearest. Would a heartfelt apology make you feel better?”

“Yes. Yes it would.” She said, turning her nose up.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sorry, Mummy. I didn’t mean to be such a naughty boy and cause you trouble.”

She shoved me and I wandered back to her side. “You’re just awful, you know that?”

“Did it stop you from missing me?”

“How could it? You said it best when you called yourself a loveable butthole.” I received a pleasant smile.

I gave her another hug. “I’m going to try to be more loveable and less of a butthole. Well, more of a benevolent butthole, I should say. Less poo, more wiping. No smell, no gel-”

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Blue chuckled. “Dear Celestia, you’re just as vulgar as you used to be!”

“I’ll try and dial it down a bit.” I promised.

“That’s all I ask, baby.” We were passing through the edge of town at this point.

I took a few minutes to come up with something to ask. “So how did you manage to keep your business afloat?”

“Your friend Rarity bought out half of my business so she could hire somepony to keep the books. I could buy it back now that you’re here again.” She tapped her chin with a finger.

“Please do. It’s just not the same if it’s not your shop.”

“I know, baby. I think I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow.”

I nodded. “I’ll be glad when your shop is back in your hands. Just know that if I ever actually do die that you’re one of my beneficiaries.”

“Well, when Celestia pronounced you dead, Trixie, myself, Twilight, and Spike were all given access to your account.”

“Has anyone bought anything big with it yet?”

“Not that I know of. Have you talked to the Princess about getting it put back in your name yet?”

“I was planning on getting to that later today. I really should have gotten her together with the girls, but there are things I need to tell her about my time on Earth that I can’t tell certain people.”

“I understand, but you’ve got to get Twilight when you do that. The common ponies treat her like a Princess of Equestria, but I don’t think she feels like one.”

“What I’m going to tell Celestia, Twilight doesn’t need to know, whether she’s a princess or not. It’s something that only Celestia, myself, and Luna know. Cadance isn’t even aware of it.”

Blue gave me an odd look. “Is it really that big of a secret?”

“If I told you anything about it, you might not look at Celestia or myself the same way.”

“...That’s a little scary, Max.”

“A lot of the things I do are.” I sighed.

“...On a lighter note, I think the grey in my mane actually looks nice. I was always a fan of silver.”

Be nice. “It really is fetching on you. I must say, two years might have added some greys, but you don’t look like you’ve aged a day otherwise.”

“Right. I’m sure I look an old maid by now.”

I shrugged. “If you weren’t my Mum, I’d take you out for a night on the town.”

Blue blushed. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

I gave her a look. “You know when I’m full of shit and when I’m being honest.”

She patted my arm. “Well it’s nice to know that I could have a stallion young enough to be my son as a possible interest if I wanted one.”

“Speaking of, is this still a mare heavy town, or has the population evened out a bit?”

“There are more stallions than ever, but they generally live on the outskirts of town.”

“Then why don’t you find yourself a nice one sometime?” I asked.

“I may. You and Trixie will have to approve of him before he gets very far, but other than that, I’ll try and find you a nice Dad.” Blue teased.

I rolled my eyes. “If you find a bad one, I’m going to ask Luna to send him to the Moon.”

Blue chuckled as we started on the path to Trixie’s house. “You know, I forgot how protective you were.”

“When you grow up with little in the way of precious things, you hold onto what you have fiercely.”

“I can’t say I know the feeling because I grew up rather comfortably, but I understand what you mean.”

We fell silent for a little while until we reached Trixie’s front door. I knocked and we waited for a few minutes until she came and saw us standing there. “Mother! Max! Trixie is happy to see you. Please, come in.”

I let Blue go first and followed her shortly after. Trixie’s house looked a lot different than when I’d left since it was partially pink instead of being a study in rich shades of blue, but it still looked nice. Orchid was standing in the kitchen with a cup of tea in her hands, and when she saw me, she waved. I waved back and Trixie poured some tea for Blue and I, asking if we’d mind having a seat in the living room. Once we were seated and the tea was served, Trixie started off the conversation.

“So what brings two of Trixie’s favourite people over? She hopes it’s something good.”

I shrugged. “We were planning on tying you up to the flagpole in the middle of town, but I told Mum that doing so would be a little more than mean.”

Blue rolled her eyes. “We came to see if you wanted to join us on a tour around town. I don’t really know much about the new stuff and Max wanted to spend the day with us anyway.”

Trixie beamed. “Trixie would be delighted!”

Orchid smiled mildly. “Do you mind if I join you? Trixie stays busy so often these days-”

I waved her words aside. “Sorry, blue people only. If you dye your coat, then you’re allowed to come along as you please, but otherwise, you’re going to have to stay here and curse fate for making you pink.”

Orchid looked at Trixie and Blue who were just shaking their heads. “...Are you being serious?”

“I think Max is forgetting that you haven’t seen him in two years and that you didn’t know him all that well in the first place. He’s just pulling your tail.” Blue explained.

“Oh yeah. I keep thinking that it’s only been a month until someone says something.” I scratched my head.

Orchid gave me a look. “You’re just difficult.”

“He’s the best brother Trixie could ask for.” My sister defended.

“See? Trixie thinks I’m special.” I grinned.

“Special in the head, maybe.” Orchid muttered.

I whacked her with my tentacle. “You used to be so much nicer.”

“That was before you put Trixie and Blue through Tartarus.” She passed me edgy glare.

Trixie put a hand on her leg. “Trixie has already explained that Max had no control over how long he was gone. Things may have been rough, but that is no reason to hold him accountable for a situation he had no control over.”

Orchid pursed her lips. “I understand, I’m just not happy about it.”

“If you’d like to continue being a mule, then feel free to stay home.” Blue snapped.

“Mum, please.” I said softly.

Blue looked at me for a moment before gazing into her tea. With the tension in the room nice and thick, I broke the silence by saying, “Let’s get to that tour, yeah? Staying idle doesn’t hold much good for any of us.”

There were nods from each of the ladies and we all downed our tea, preparing to leave. Once our cups were cleared and put in the kitchen, we headed out and Trixie devised a path for us to follow through the new buildings on the outskirts of town. They were mostly residential areas and a few corner stores here and there, but for the most part, it felt like a natural extension of Ponyville. She took us by the expanded joke shop that had more children than usual coming in and out of it and Trixie told me that it was because they’d started offering joke candies that were either delicious or disgusting depending on how lucky you were. I had to stop in and get some, and once I’d bought a handful, I asked my family if they’d like to try their luck with me. On the first go, I got some taffy that tasted like sushi while Trixie got one that tasted like black pepper. Orchid got one that tasted like a skunk smelled and spit it out rather quickly, but Blue was actually lucky and managed to get one that tasted like cherry ice cream. Orchid didn’t want anymore, so Trixie, Blue and I kept going. I ended up getting pure salt, bogies, peaches, and something I thought was wheat. Trixie got hot sauce, vomit, pure sugar, and vanilla ice cream. Blue got something she couldn’t really describe that wasn’t good or bad, blueberries, daises, and something that tasted like regular flour. Trixie and I were a little salty that she’d got nothing but non-punishing flavours while we’d been hit with some of the most unfortunate they had, but Blue chalked it up to a mother’s luck and I told her that what she’d said made no sense. She shrugged and we kept walking.

There were a few more mid and high tier restaurants in town and there was finally a shady part that I figured I’d be spending some time in. Trixie had been loathe to take our group through there and Orchid agreed since she was straight up scared of the area since it already had a bad reputation, but I assured them that nothing would happen on my watch. I quickly learned that the worst parts of the shady district consisted of fake jewelry that I could spot from a mile away, the odd swindler looking for an investment, and a ‘gang’ of mules that just said mean things about what you were wearing. When I threatened to wreck their faces after they’d called my Mum an old hag, they bitched up real quick and I only got one solid gut punch off before they ran away. Fucking yobbos.

After I chased off the prickish blokes, there wasn’t much else that I could find wrong with the place. I mean, it didn’t even vibe as a particularly bad place to me. All it needed was a little love and affection and it would probably be just as fine as the rest of the town. Blue told me that it was worse at night and I wrote down on my memo pad that I would have to come back at night sometime. Alone. With a sharp object to stick into people if need be. Trixie and Orchid were quick to tell me that I shouldn’t do that, but I rarely listen to people anyway, and if it really was that bad, then I owed it to the citizens of my town to straighten out the kinks.

Noon came and passed, which meant that I was buying lunch for the ladies, despite their protests. I put my foot down before Blue could, meaning that I had precedent and the right to pay for lunch, so they could suck my metaphorical dick instead of my literal one. Orchid wasn’t terribly happy with me, but Trixie just said that she was glad that I was doing nice things. I almost took offense to that until she clarified that she’d meant that I could always be doing bad things. I let her have that one since I know I’m a prick. All in all, the Ponitalian place we ate lunch at was fantastic and their lasagna was delicious. I was told that I’d eaten half a pan by myself and I jokingly asked if I could have the rest in a doggie bag. Well, I was kinda joking. I actually would have just eaten it as we walked around town, but that would have made me seem like a bottomless pit, which is pretty much what my stomach was becoming. I swear, I'm going to shrink, become pink, and turn into a ball if I keep it up at the pace I'm going.

Since I’d eaten until I wasn’t hungry instead of eating until I was actually full, we had time to keep walking and talking. Orchid asked how I wasn’t fat and I told her that there was just something about my metabolism that I couldn’t understand. I was constantly hungry and I put on very little fat, despite eating more food than three people could at any given time. Trixie mentioned that I seemed a lot more muscular than I had when I’d left and I told her that I was, which is what had confused me. I’d eaten junk food and fried things like they were going out of style, but I didn’t know why I wasn’t putting on any fat. I decided that I’d have Celestia give me a diagnostic spell when I had a chance to talk to her, which came a lot faster than I’d been expecting it to. When six thirty came around, Blue said that she would see me later and stated that she had some business to take care of. I asked about said business and she told me that she was going to go get her man back, so I assumed she was going to go talk to Onyx and wished her the best of luck.

When Blue took her leave, Trixie said that there really wasn’t that much more of the town to see and that we could pick it up another day or go see a movie. Something of the sort. I gave her a hug and told her that I should probably go see a princess while I still had time. With that, I went back home and meditated for a little bit. Noir and I watched Gladiator because she liked it, though I found the movie to be a little boring until the actual gladiatorial bits. We would have just fast forwarded, but then again, I had about a hundred or so movies downloaded onto one of my six different hard drives, so I had plenty of shit for us to watch later.

Once Noir and I got our time together, she told me to stop putting off talking to Celestia and get it done, so I left the mindscape and wrote her a letter that read thusly;

“Dear Princess Sunbutt,

Get your fat-bottomed arse over here for the spanking of a lifetime.

Sincerely, A Badass Motherfucker.”

With that written down, I waited for a response, but if she didn’t know who sent the letter in the first place, she couldn’t really send a response. Much to my surprise, she sent a letter back anyway that simply read, “Is it really you?”

I wrote back, “Like I said, get your arse over here.”

Moments later, Celestia teleported into the walkway separating my living room from my kitchen. I was pouring two glasses of chardonnay on the island while she looked around for me frantically.

“Oi.” I said just above my usual volume.

Celestia saw me and various emotions ran their course, making their presence known through her eyes and nearly imperceptible twitches of the muscles in her face. “Maximus!?”

“Fancy a glass, or am I going to have to drink both of these?” I smirked.

She didn’t wait a moment and teleported to me, filling my vision with a field of white fur. I wasn’t expecting her to kiss me, but thankfully she kept it short. “Dear Heavens above, Max, I thought…”

I raised a brow as she held onto my arms. “I heard. Thanks for not letting someone buy my house.”

“I could never!” She exclaimed. “I thought it was for the best to pronounce you dead, but… Some part of me just couldn’t accept that you weren’t coming back. That you weren’t going to come home to us.”

“Is that why you had Berry keep cleaning my house?” I asked.

She gave me a tear filled smile. “Just in case. Maximus, I’m so sorry I sent you away, but-”

I swatted her arms off to the sides and slapped her breasts with both hands, startling the fuck out of her. “What the hay!?” She asked loudly.

I point a finger in her face. “I know full well that you weren’t in control of your actions. The same thing that made me go to Bridleland was the same thing that made you send me off, so don't you go feeling guilty, okay?” Hypocritical as fuck, but still.

Celestia just shook her head. “How could I feel anything but guilty? It was my magic that sent you away, and I was the one who orchestrated the mission for you in the first place-”

“Do you really think that? You don’t think that those Ponies coming back home safe and sound when I left was a little odd? You don’t think that your mind could have been influenced to make me go in the first place? We’re dealing with something far more powerful than anything you’ve ever faced, Celestia. You never stood a chance of not sending me to Bridleland.”

She stood still for a moment, trembling lightly. “I-I never thought of that…”

I gave her a hug, standing on my tip-toes so I wouldn’t have to rest my chin on her breasticles. “You should have, but you know I’m smarter than you.”

Celestia returned the hug, chuckling weakly. “I would hit you for that, but I’m just so happy you’re okay.”

I let her go and she followed suit after a long moment. “So are we going to talk about that kiss, or can we get on to what I did while I was on Earth?”

The Solar Diarch blushed. “If we could avoid mentioning that to Twilight, that would be nice.”

I shrugged. “If she asks, I’m telling her.”

She sighed. “Of course. Do you mind?” She asked, pointing to the wine.

I grabbed one glass and the bottle. “Feel free. I have some stuff to tell you.”

“I’m assuming you already met with Twilight and told her about you trip to Earth today?”

“Yesterday, actually. I would have gotten to you then, but we need to have a private chat.”

She looked a bit worried about that. “What do you mean?”

“You know how you’ve been slowly mind controlling your Ponies into being nice people?” I asked casually.

“...Yes. I suppose you could say that.”

“Well, I did something similar to my Humans. Let’s have a seat and talk about it.” I started toward the living room, but when I didn’t hear Celestia following me, I looked back and saw that she was staring at me. “Celestia?”

She was silent for a minute. “Don’t tell me you used Dark Magic to make your people more kind.”

“That’s exactly what I did.”

Celestia walked over and stared me down. “You called me evil for doing that.”

“And I recognize that my soul is darker than yours for doing it, especially since I knew it was wrong.” I said, averting my eyes.

Her gaze softened. “Then you understand why I did it in the first place.”

“I never said that I didn’t. That’s why I told you that Crimson was in my house instead of just letting him go.” I replied.

She nodded and drained her glass of wine. “Are we sitting on the couch or are we taking different chairs?”

“Whichever you prefer.”

She walked over to the couch and I sat next to her, sipping on my wine instead of downing it like it was a shot like some uncultured people. Once we were seated comfortably, Celestia asked, “So what made you wander down my path?”

I looked into my glass and swirled the pale yellow liquid around. “I saw my world for what it was. I drew up comparisons between England and Equestria and… England just fell flat, I guess. My world was as toxic as I am, and I knew that if I could do some good, even if I was doing it in an evil way, I still needed to do it for the sake of the future.”

“You saw your people’s wicked ways and...? You wanted them to be more like my Ponies?” She asked.

I shook my head. “That’s not really it. I wanted my people to stop hurting each other, to give up on drugs and murder and generally causing each other pain so that they could have the same peace that Equestria has, but without magic to mess things up.”

As I poured her another glass and topped mine up, Celestia said, “I understand you motives, even if you’re not really phrasing them properly at the moment. I’m sure that you took care of rape and murder with your suggestions.” I nodded. “Then you’ve already done some good, even if you stole a bit of free will from your people.”

“My brother’s fiance told me that I’d made a decision that no man should have the right to make. I can’t help but agree with her.” I said softly.

“That’s why you were the one to make it. You see the evil in what you did, the wrongs in the right, and it’s our ability to understand that certain things that must be done that make us the right people for this task, Maximus. That’s what I saw in you when I asked you to become a prince. I saw your willingness to do what must be done for the greater good, for what will benefit the masses rather than yourself. You would make a good leader.” Celestia gave me a sad smile.

I sighed. “You still want to make me a prince, don’t you?”

“Knowing that you’ve done what you’ve done on Earth just cements my former opinion.” She said gently.

“...I don’t want you to stick a horn on me.”

Celestia was about to take a sip of her wine when I said that and put her glass down. “Maximus, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I lead a group of people, trustworthy people mind you, but a group nonetheless while I was on Earth. A charity called the Safe in Arms Coalition. I had a taste of what it’s like to be a leader. It was bitter to no end, but I recognize that I really am evil enough to be a good leader now and that I can make calls no one else has the stones to make. I just hope you’ll allow me to have Twilight by my side so we can sort out this whole ‘ruling’ thing together.”

“I apologize for my ignorance, but I don’t know what a charity is.”

I explained in depth what the SIAC was, its motives, and how I’d constructed it. I don’t feel like writing it down again, so go fuck yourself if you don’t get it by now. Once I’d explained my experiences, Celestia just shook her head.

“I really can’t criticize you for using magic to ensure loyalty-”

I cut her off. “Oi, I never made anyone be loyal to me in any way, shape, or form.”

She looked at me, confused. “If you didn’t enforce loyalty magically, then why did your people follow you?”

“I don’t really know. I asked multiple people time after time, but no one ever gave me a strong enough answer for me to really understand. I think it was just that they recognized that I had the moral high ground, or that I was trying to make their lives better. Either way, my followers were pretty dedicated anyway.”

“Huh. It sounds like you really did take my path. It’s just that you were more direct in getting your people to be better and less direct in securing their loyalty.”

“In fairness, I didn’t really deal with shitty nobles. Just the common person that needed to be pointed in the right direction or the odd kingpin that needed to be knocked down a peg or three.”

“I see. Well, I am quite sure that you won’t have much in the way of trouble regarding finding loyal ponies to serve you.”

“You say that, but you’re forgetting that you’ve made your ponies racist against pretty much anything that isn’t them.”

“I’ll take care of your naysayers. You just need to hold on and wait until I can get things set up for you and Twilight so you can have a place of your own to rule.” Celestia smiled.

I still don’t want to be a fucking ruler, but I’m going to be one either way if I stay with Twilight. “So when are we going to get the boring stuff out of the way, or is there even going to be a coronation? I don’t remember Shining Armor getting one when he became a prince.”

Celestia shrugged. “He’s not an Alicorn.”

“Neither am I.”

“You have an Alicorn’s magic. Max, have you realized that you’re stronger than Shining Armor yet?”

“...Never really thought about it I guess. It doesn’t hurt that I’m going to have my own True Magic-”

Celestia spat out the wine she’d been sipping. “I beg your pardon.” You didn’t ask, did you?

“Yeah. Noir said that I’ve had True Magic building up inside me ever since I died the second time.”

She cleaned up her mess. “...Huh. Do you know what it is?”

“No clue.” I admitted.

“I have a feeling I know what it is.” Celestia sighed.

I waited for her to speak, but when she didn’t, I asked, “Are you planning on sharing?”

“My best guess would that it has something to do with the Shadows. There was already darkness in you when we first met, and it frankly wouldn’t surprise me to learn that it was the same darkness I felt that’s giving you your power.”

I groaned. “Why can’t I have Friendship Magic or something? Is that even a thing?”

“Yes, actually. It’s Twilight’s thing.” Celestia smiled.

“Okay, so we have two sets of Celestial Magic, Love Magic, and Friendship Magic. I’m going to be absolutely staggered if I get something that doesn’t sound stupid.”

Her smile turned into a disapproving frown. “You realize you’ve just insulted all four of you closest colleagues, right?”

I raised a brow. “Did you forget who I am?”

“Perhaps a bit. I’m going to tell them that you said our magic sounds stupid.”

“No, you can tell Cadance and Twilight that I said their magic sounds stupid. Celestial Magic sounds pretty cool, actually.”

Celestia huffed. “You say that now.”

“I mean it now.”

“We’ll see. So how is your transition back into Equestria going?”

“Well, Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were happy to see me while Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow wanted to shove their hooves up my arse. Blue was terribly depressed until I smacked it right out of her and Trixie was pretty happy to see me, but her fiance doesn’t like me anymore. It’s been nice and rough at the same time.”

“You know, I’m a little offended that you waited so long to contact me.” Celestia said, sipping her wine.

“I was going to call you over when I finished talking to the girls, but Twilight’s been abstaining from sex while I was away-”

“Okay, that’s all I needed to hear and then some.” Celestia glared at me.

“She’s not your student anymore, right? Does that mean I can give her the good dick?”

“Do you ever think about anything other than sex?”

“I think about food.” I said, remembering a previous conversation.

“Other than those two things.”

“I think about Twilight too.”

She rolled her eyes. “Other than sex, food, and Twilight.”

“Well, I think about sex with Twilight which mostly involves eating her out.”

“You’re bucking ridiculous.”

“No, the way I fuck is ridiculous.” I grinned.

Celestia’s gaze turned sultry and her jaw clenched. “Don’t give me opportunities, Maximus. Twilight would be quite upset with me for flirting with her stallion.”

“You’ve still got seventy-three years, hun. Flirting is the best you’re going to get.”

“I think a kiss a month would be fair.”

I gave her a look and she met it readily. “I think you might want to run that by Twilight and double check with me.”

She conjured up a piece of paper and a pen. “I’m willing to tell Twilight that I kissed you if we can open this up to deliberation.”

I flicked my hand and she started writing. Moments after she sent it off, Twilight was standing in front of her. “Celestia.” She said neutrally.

“Twilight.” Celestia replied.

I raised my hand. “Max.”

They glared at me. “Shut up.” They said in unison.

“Oi! They’re my lips!” I argued.

“They might be yours, but they’re mine.” Twilight said critically. Turning back to Celestia, she said, “Why are you kissing my stallion?”

“I missed him too.”

“That’s really no excuse. Fluttershy didn’t kiss him and she missed Max too.” Twilight said peevishly.

Celestia lifted a brow at her. “Do I look like Fluttershy?”

My lover glared at her. “Keep your hands off until your time is up.”

“That’s what I was going to say.” I commented, checking my nails.

They both turned to me. “If that’s what you were going to say, then why didn’t you just tell me that?” Celestia asked, annoyed.

“If you remember, I said, and I quote, ‘You might want to run that by Twilight and double check with me.’. You never double checked with me.”

Celestia groaned. “Why must you make my life so difficult?”

“You invited it onto yourself.” I said.

Twilight levitated me away from Celestia and sat between us. “So what were you two talking about that needed to stay secret?”

“It’s just personal stuff.” I said conversationally.

“Since when do you cut me out of your ‘personal stuff’?” Twilight asked snappishly.

“Since it involves secrets that aren’t necessarily mine to share. You want a glass of wine or something?” I offered.

“I want to know what you were talking about.” Twilight said.

“Max, go grab some gin. Twilight, we’re going to have a quick talk and you’re not going to be happy with me.” Celestia sighed.

“Gin and rum, or just gin?” I asked.

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Do you have any pineapple rum?”

“I think I do. I was saving it for a special occasion.”

“Your acceptance of your royal duties is a special enough occasion. Take your time when you go and hurry up.” Celestia said.

I rolled my eyes. “The choice is mine, just don’t be late.”

“What are you talking about?”

Twilight interrupted. “It sounds like a song from his world that he showed me.”

“Shut up before I send you to Nirvana.” I said, getting up, collecting my glass and Celestia’s.

“Wasn’t that the artist?” Twilight asked.

I sighed. “Keep it up and I’ll show you how I breed.”

“What does that even mean?” Twilight asked.

“Words and things. I’m gonna go grab some rum.”

And so I went to go grab some rum. When I came back, Celestia and Twilight were hugging and I had to find something to serve rum to princesses with. I decided that cocktail glasses would be stupid, so I went with deep crystal tumblers. I actually did have ice in my ice box, so that was nice. When I got everything poured, I threw an ice cube at them and asked if some one would mind teleporting the glasses so I didn’t have to worry about spilling anything. Once everyone had their rum, Twilight gave it a try and said it was too strong. I thought it was alright, if not a little sweet for my taste and Celestia said that it was actually her favorite kind of rum, which didn’t surprise me at all.

“So I’m guessing the talk went well?” I asked.

“It did. The Princ- Er, Celestia, said that she basically did the same thing that you did, but through a less direct method. I guess I approve.” Twilight curled a lock of hair.

Celestia nodded. “Indeed. I was a bit worried. You could have told me that Twilight understood your motivations, Max.”

“How fun would that be?” I said flippantly.

Celestia’s magic hair touched me somewhere only Twilight has the right to molest me. “Bad Sunbutt! No!”

Twilight looked at me. “What?”

Celestia gave me a sly smile before glancing at Twilight. “Max, I assure you I’m not doing anything.”

“Keep your freaky magic hair to yourself, Molestia.” I said curtly.

“There’s no such thing as magic hair, amour.” Twilight scoffed.

I flipped her skirt with my psychic tentacle and she put it back down, blushing furiously. “Max!”

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be hair.” I said, downing my drink.

Twilight cast a partition between her and Celestia before straight up grabbing the Ol’ Chap. “Keep it up and I’ll squish him!”

I kissed her and made her lose her focus on the wall thingy she’d made. Celestia looked on in mild amusement. “There are at least seven rooms with beds in this house. You two might want to get one of those if you leave your hand there any longer, Twilight.”

Twilight removed her hand slowly, but she was obviously marking her territory, so I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment for a few more seconds before drawing myself away from her. “Kiss me any longer and we’ll be finding a room, regardless of how you feel about it.”

My lover gave me lustful look. “Try me, amour.”

I raised my brows and grinned. “Later. So, Celestia, are you going to tell Luna that I’m back or is she going to need a letter?”

“I’ll tell her that you’ve returned. I’m sure you can expect a visit from her soon.” Sunbutt said casually. She drank the rest of her rum and said, “Well, I can see that you two have a bit more catching up to do, so I’ll talk to you later, Max. It’s good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back, Double Sun. I’ll catch you later.” I said.

With that, Celestia was gone and Twilight tackled me onto the couch, locking lips with me and trying to assert her dominance, but even from my disadvantageous position, I was a better kisser. My hands found their way to Twilight’s hips and held her steady before she lowered herself a bit, leaning on her elbows instead of her hands. The easier access meant a little less room to work with, but that was the reason she’d done it in the first place. Twilight started to pull away and my left hand went from her hip to her mane, holding her head so that she wouldn’t leave me so soon. After another minute of rather pleasant snogging, Twilight gently extricated my hand from her hair and pulled away, though I bit her lower lip to keep her there just a single moment longer.

“Amour~” Twilight cooed.

“Cherry~” I replied, hope tinging my voice.

Her horn lit up twice and my shirt was really fucking tight now. I looked down and saw that my breasts were actually a fair bit larger than I remembered. I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention to myself when Twilight and I were having Quality Time the night before. I looked back up and saw that I was now looking at a purple guy who looked a little like Shining Armour.

“Well hello, handsome.” I said meekly.

“Good evening, beautiful.” Twilight replied huskily.

“...This is going to be the gayest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Oddly enough, this is going to be the most hetero thing I’ve ever done.”

“Huh. Perspective, I guess. Would you mind putting me in something sexy so you can take it off?”

She- Well, he grinned and his horn lit up two more times.. The next thing I knew, Twilight was wearing one of my looser shirts and some of my boxers, and I was wearing some nice lingerie that was a little loose, but when I gave it a good look, I recognized it as the set Twilight had worn for me on my birthday. It actually fit a lot better than I might have expected, though I attributed that to my extra ‘assets’. Twilight gave me a little space and allowed me to stand so he could let his hand wander over my form, stopping wherever he pleased.

Twilight stood and kissed me, resting his hands on my arse and giving it a good squeeze. “Wow… This feels so different as a stallion.”

“Just a heads up, I’m not putting your dick in my mouth.” I warned.

He gave me a look. “I do it for you all the time.”

“You sure do.” I replied.

“...You’re not going to reciprocate?”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“That’s not fair!”

“I don’t want dick in my mouth and I don’t like the taste of semen.”

“Have you ever even tried it?”

“Not while I was willing, but yes.”

“...I guess if you don’t want to do it, it’d be unfair to make you.”

I patted his chest. “I’ll give you a lick and we’ll see where we go from there.”

Twilight’s face lit up. “Before we get started, can I get a name as a male since you’re Roxy?”

Uhh… “I guess? Did you have something in mind?”

“How about… Dusk Shine?”

“I was a Dusk Baron, so that’s a cool coincidence. Let’s get to the sex, yeah?”

“You said you’d give me that first lick!” Dusk reminded happily, bouncing in place.

I shook my head and sighed. “This makes me such a faggot.”

Dusk looked me up and down. “You don’t look like a bundle of sticks. Are you okay?”

I took his arm and dragged him towards the stairs. “The longer we talk, the drier I get.”

(Ctrl+F Rule 63 Incoming To Skip)

Dusk stopped talking until I got him upstairs and into my room. Once we were there, he said, “You know, I think it’s just that much easier to appreciate how beautiful you are from a stallion’s perspective.”

I turned on the lights in my room. “The livery doesn’t hurt, I’m sure.”

He wrapped me up in a hug from behind and I shuddered when I felt his cock prod my rear. “Not at all. I think we should get you some for yourself. I’m honestly surprised it fits you so well.”

I held his hands with mine. “It’s because I filled out a bit while on Earth. I think I’m getting closer to being as well endowed as you are at this point.”

Dusk kissed the side of my neck, leading up to my cheek. “I think I like your physique better than mine. I wish I was as slim and toned as you are.”

“I like you soft and huggable. I guess that’s why we work so well~” Dusk squeezed my breasts. “Together.”

“I think it’s just the way we are. Maybe we just-” He grunted as I started wiggling my rear against him, “happen to be that compatible.”

I held his hands and grasped them, making him squeeze a bit more firmly. “So who’s up first? Me or you?”

“You always take care of me first. It’s only fair if I live up to the same standard you set.”

I ran some scenarios through my head and came to the best path. “I agree. Take me to Heaven, tall, dark, and handsome.”

I could hear the smile in his voice. “With pleasure, my pretty little Human.”

Dusk whisked me off of my feet and carried me over to the bed, though I noticed that he used magic because he wasn’t that strong anyway. I guess strength carries over better than I’d thought. Eh, either way, the gesture was romantic and frankly adorable, even if I knew that he was weak as fuck. Seriously, I’m not that heavy!

He set me down on the bed more gently than he could have under his own strength, but I held my tongue and waited for him to spread my legs. He didn’t go for the added sexiness of removing my knickers with his teeth, but I was willing to put up with a fair amount of oversight and corner cutting since this was Dusk’s first time as a man. I waited for a moment and he started kissing my thighs as I’d done for him a thousand times, but each one felt different than it usually did with Twilight. His lips were just different, though I did like that he alternated between thighs with each kiss. I felt my breathing hitch once or twice while he got closer to the end goal, and when he placed a kiss on my hood, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

“Are you ready?” Dusk asked, his voice telling me that he was waiting for me.

“Just don’t try to rush it.” I replied softly.

He nodded and gave me a lick to test the waters before teasing my entrance with his tongue. It. He licked at my labia patiently until the first moan escaped my lips, and once it did, he gave me his tongue slowly, easing it deeper into my folds until I felt it go as far as it could. I found myself a little grossed out by the prospect of being eaten out by another man, but I reminded myself that I was a woman and this was Twilight, just in a different form. I owed it to her to let her try sex as a man since she’d been willing to indulge me on multiple occasions, but it still felt incredibly wrong.

My legs slowly started to close as Dusk worked his tongue as deep as he could reach, so I focused on keeping them apart to the best of my abilities and kept a hand on his head so I could play with his ears. I don’t know why it calmed me down, but it did and I eased up a little bit, allowing my orgasm to build naturally. I’m sure I’ve gone over the process of good cunnilingus enough times for you to get the point, Twilight, and it’s not like you’re bad at it yourself. If you’re not Twilight or Celestia and you’re reading this, I’m going to fucking kill you anyways, new lease on life or not, so tuck your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye. Lick the hole if you feel like it because I’m going to slice it open with a fucking broadsword when I find you.

Promises of anal violation by sharp steel aside, Dusk got me off in about fifteen minutes and it was now my turn to give him the succ. I pulled him onto the bed since there was plenty of space and mentally prepared myself as I pulled off the boxers covering the tent he was putting up. When his member sprang into view, I couldn’t help but be fucking relieved out of my mind. The guy had to be five or so inches fully hard, though he was a little on the girthy side. Dusk and I stared at his dick for a moment and I had to stop myself from laughing out of sheer happiness.

“...It’s smaller than I thought it’d be.” Dusk said.

“You have no idea how happy this makes me. I’d win in a dick measuring contest.” I took his member into my hand and started stroking it softly, making it grow another centimeter or two.

“It’s not even close to yours!”

“What can I say? I’m pretty great all ‘round.” I inspected his member carefully and found that it looked really fucking weird. I mean, it was obviously a dick, but it wasn’t anything like a Human’s. I’d never seen a horse’s cock out of its sheath before, but I was pretty certain that it looked something like this, but bigger.

“...I feel a little inadequate.” Dusk said softly.

I gave him the lick I’d promised. “If it makes you feel any better, if you were any larger, I wouldn’t have had the stomach to do this.”

He gave me a funny look. “Do what-” I cut him off by engulfing his rod with my mouth, swirling my tongue around it. “Oh yeah~” He shuddered.

I whirled my tongue around his oddly shaped tip and stroked his shaft with my thumb and forefinger since I couldn’t wrap my hand around it while sucking. Still he tried bucking his hips from beneath me, so I figured I’d be nice and give him what he wanted for the time being, letting go of his shaft so I could use my mouth and nothing else. Honestly, it was a bit like sucking on a warm lolly that twitched every now, and since he wasn’t as big as I’d expected him to be, I felt a lot less homo for doing it. Maybe I just have hang-ups about giving blowjobs.

After I nearly bit him because he was bucking so hard, I held Dusk down so I could actually get some work done and bobbed my head along his member. Once he calmed down and started shuddering, I wondered what the fuck was happening until he sprayed his first shot into my mouth, its horrible, slimy texture nearly making me gag already. It had only taken like, five minutes to get him off and I knew that it wasn’t because of my skill. I blanched, but I remained ever the trooper and waited three more shots until he just stopped shooting. He was still in the throes of his orgasm for a few more seconds, but there wasn’t anything coming out, so I just held his seed in the back of my throat until he fell still, panting heavily. When Dusk propped himself up on his elbows thirty seconds later, he was still flaccid in my mouth, so I removed his soft member from from my mouth and showed him what I’d collected. He gestured for me to come forward, so I crawled over him and he kissed me, scooping his seed out of my mouth before flinching and pulling away.

We both had a hard time swallowing after that, but he managed first. “Alright, I see why you weren’t eager to do that now.”

I made a face. “I know right? You taste like grape flavoured medicine.” I reached back and grabbed his dick, making him twitch. “So how hard am I going to have to work to get you ready again?”

“I have no clue.” Dusk admitted.

I shrugged and turned around, showing him my arse. “Let’s see how this goes then.”

He put a finger in a place he knew he wasn’t supposed to, so I bounced up off of the bed, getting about a foot or so in the air and kicked him with both feet in the chest quite hard before landing right next to him.

“You fucking know better!” I chided.

He let out a strangled groan and rolled over. “Oww…”

I sat on my knees and crossed my arms, glaring at him. “I’m not sorry.”

“Uugghhh.” He coughed a couple of times.

I sat and glared until he rolled back over. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“I thought you promised to never hurt me!” Dusk protested, holding his chest.

“That was when you didn’t have a dick. Women abuse men all the fucking time and no one says a damned thing about it, so don’t you try to pull that on me.”

“I knew I should’ve rolled over.” He moaned.

“Too fucking bad. Are you ready to play nice, or do I have to spank you?”

“I’ll play nice.” He said shyly.

I crawled between his legs and continued glaring at him. “No bucking this time.”

“No bucking.”

“And if you cum without giving me warning, I’m biting you.”

He gulped. “I’ll tell you before it happens.”

I nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

I gave his still limp member a lick before trying to revive it by stroking it. When that didn’t work, I took the floppy appendage in my mouth and sucked hard, trying to use my mouth as a penis pump while teasing his tip with my tongue, but after three minutes of nonstop assistance, he was only at half mast. I sighed to myself and kept going until he was hard again, which took a lot longer than I would have liked, but once he was up again, I was relieved that we could just get on with it.

Dusk was ready to go, so I laid down and told him, “I can show you any position you like. We don’t have to do the standard thing.”

“I think I’d like to try the standard thing first, if it’s all the same to you”

I nodded and spread my legs for him, though I had to guide him to my entrance. When he managed to get the tip in, he let out a loud grunt and I smiled, happy that he was already enjoying himself, but kind of sickened by the feeling of having a dick inside of me. Sucking it had been one thing, but to have one inside of me just felt weird like nothing else. Still, I gave him the benefit of a doubt and waited until he was all the way in to let out a little moan, but when he started shuddering, I knew things were going horribly wrong terribly fast. I felt his seed dribble into me slowly, but when he went to pull out, I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in for a kiss, hoping to galvanize my lover into not being sucky at sex. I understand that no one’s first time is all that good, but the guy was doing pretty poorly all around. Hell, I’d lasted three full minutes my first time, and if this was how Dusk’s family performed in bed, I understood why Cadance had taken to bondage so quickly.

While we were kissing, Dusk began to harden again far more quickly than he had the last time and I figured that locking lips was the trick to keeping him hard. I moaned through my nose once he was fully erect again and let him go, though I kept a handful of his hair so he wouldn’t break the kiss. My lover started thrusting slowly, but after his rod popped out for the second time, I kept my legs wrapped around him so it wouldn’t keep happening. That being said, he did a lot better when I got him into a rhythm and this time, he lasted exactly forty-one thrusts before he started shuddering again. I wasn’t anywhere close, but I appreciated the effort he’d shown and it hadn't exactly been shit for a first time, though him falling on top of me was a mood killer like no other.

(Ctrl+F Rule 63 Incoming To Skip)

With another inward sigh, I hugged him and tried not to rasp under his weight, but the guy was a lot heavier than the bookworm I’d come to know and love. After five minutes, I realized he was out fucking cold, so I rolled my eyes and yanked one of his ears, making him jolt and pick himself up. Rubbing his ear, he looked around.

“Wait, what happened?” He asked cluelessly.

“You fell asleep on me. This is why I gave your brother advice on sex.”

Dusk blushed hard. “Oh.”

I patted his cheek consolingly. “It’s okay, cherry. We’ll make you into a real man yet”

“... I did pretty badly, didn’t I?”

“It’s your first time as a guy. I wasn’t expecting it to be good.”

“...Oh.”

I rolled my eyes. “We’ll give it another go some other time. Since you’re awake now, can you turn back into Twilight and go down on me?”

“...I didn’t even come close to getting you off, did I?”

“You’re still skilled with your tongue, cherry. Don’t expect to be good with something you’ve had less than a day.”

He sighed. “Still…” His horn lit up and he changed back into my favorite Unicorn again. “I guess I would’ve liked it if I could be as good as you are.”

I grabbed Twilight’s arm and unbalanced her, switching places so I was on top. “It takes practice, Twilight. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.”

She looked up at me. “...Your hair got really long.”

I brushed it all to one side, making it pool around my right hand. “It really has. I guess being on Earth made my hair grow really fast.”

“I like it when you have long hair.”

“I like your dick. It’s comfortable.”

She blushed brightly. “I was trying to make a moment and you just had to go and ruin it.”

“Twilight, every second we spend together is a moment I want to remember for the rest of my life, good and bad.” I said honestly.

“...Are you talking about the intercourse we just had?”

I rolled my eyes, opened my mouth to say something, then rolled them the other way. “Look, it was bad. Let’s try again and make it good, okay?” I backed off and let her sit up.

“Well... I can’t really say that I’m in the mood right now.”

I came in for a kiss, lowering myself so I wasn’t craning my neck to do so. After a few moments, Twilight started kissing back until she started tugging at the negligee. I pulled away and let her strip me so that we could begin again, but this time, with both of us in our element.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up early to get that part written down and stopped when Twilight started stirring. I’d taken the time to look through my clothes and found that Berry Blitz had been keeping my stuff washed, so that was pretty nice. Twilight tried on a few things and settled for a skirt that came a bit above mid thigh along with the matching socks we’d bought to go with them oh-so long ago. The skirt fit her waist with no problem, but her hips made it hang higher than it should have, so now all of the clothes that Twilight had kept at my house were pretty much Roxy’s. She didn’t push me to wear any of my tight shirts since they were actually too tight now, so we gathered up the stuff we couldn’t wear and teleported them into my living room, neatly folded and prepared for whatever.

While we were changing, I pointed out that neither of us had taken a shower and that I didn’t want to be a woman all day, so Twilight changed me back and we took a bath instead of a shower. My lover decided that my lap was her preferred seat and that the Ol’ Chap was best rested between her legs, so I got up close and personal with my back washing and had to tell Twilight that handjobs in water just weren’t all that pleasant. Not being one to waste a good thing, she waited until after we were dried off to take me back to the bed and do some illicit things. Once the funnest part of the morning so far was over, I was allowed to collect some clothes so we could teleport to Twilight’s place to get dressed. She’d wanted to wear the skirt she’d picked out at my place, but I told her that it was just too mini for it to be decent in public.

“Max, I’m a princess. I’m pretty sure I can wear whatever I want.” She said stubbornly.

I lifted a brow at her and put my boxers on. “Cherry, that’s exactly why you can’t wear that skirt. If you went to pick something up, you’d be flashing half the town.”

She lived up to her pet name. “Oh.”

With my trousers on, I looked over to her again. “Are you just going to keep staring, or are you going to find something to wear?” I jested.

Her blush intensified. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was being rude.”

I came over and gave her a quick peck with my shirt in hand. “I never said that you were.”

“Well, staring is generally considered rude.”

“Not when you’re admiring your boyfriend’s sexiness. Speaking of your boyfriend, what can he do to make this your perfect day?”

Twilight blinked before looking me up and down. “Take those pants off and we’ll guess from there.”

I raised a brow at her. “Later. What else could we do?”

“Cuddle. All day. No interruptions.”

Someone knocked on her bedroom door and I held it closed with my tentacle. “Yes?” Twilight called out.

“Twi, it’s Applejack! Are ya decent?”

My lover sighed. “Not yet! Give me a moment please!”

“Girl, I’ve seen ya naked a hundred times!” Applejack said through the door.

Twilight’s blush returned, so I said, “How many times was a man half naked in the same room?”

I heard Applejack walk away and chuckled. “Modesty is so funny.”

Twilight hit me. “You’re awful, you know that?”

“Yet you love me anyways.” I grinned and walked over to her dresser.

The purple mage/wizard/princess followed shortly. “Max! Why are you going through my underwear!?”

I pulled out something pink and satin-y. “I like these. Are they comfy?”

“W-Well yes, but-”

I handed them to her and opened the drawer with her bras. I found the matching one that had some white lace on it and handed that to her too. “I’m sure Applejack’s waiting for you downstairs.”

She went to say something and thought better of it. Instead of whatever she was going to say, she said, “Can you go and talk to Applejack while I get ready?”

“...That’s not the greatest idea, cherry.”

“I know, but I’d like a little privacy while changing.”

I gave her the flattest, blandest, most ‘Are you serious right now?’ look I could conjure up and she started turning into a female copy of Macintosh. She didn’t say anything else, but then again, she wasn’t putting anything on, so I just puffed and left her room to head downstairs. I spotted Applejack in the kitchen reading the morning paper, doing her best to ignore the fuck out of me while I got some coffee prepared. Once it was ready, I poured three mugs and set one down in front of her, though she still remained silent.

Leaning against the counter, I drilled holes into Applejack’s head while waiting for her to say something. When she still tried to ignore me, I got tired of her bullshit and said something. “Alright, I get that you’re not happy with me-”

“Ya think?” She interrupted bitterly.

“Being a twat isn’t going to change anything and I can’t change what already happened, so at least try to be civil.”

She put the paper down angrily and glared at me. “Ignorin’ ya is a lot more civil than I feel like bein’, so why don’t you just leave me alone until I get over it?”

I sipped my coffee. “Because we’re friends.”

“A lot can change over two years.”

“I noticed.”

“Then why don’t ya go pester Rarity or somethin’? She’s just as upset with ya as I am.”

“Because Rarity isn’t in front of me right now. Today’s supposed to be our day to reconnect anyway.”

“And I was plannin’ on havin’ Twilight tell ya to reschedule to never. I don’t wanna bother with somepony who ain’t gonna be around.” Applejack glared at the table.

“You know how unfair that is. I don’t need to explain that to you.”

“I can't help how I feel, Max!” Applejack shouted. “Ya just dropped off the face of Equestria after sendin’ everypony those vague little notes, expectin’ us to wait for ya to come back!” She rose from her seat. “It might be news to ya, but some of us made our peace with you never comin’ back! Just when we thought that wound was startin’ to heal, you show up and expect everypony to kiss your ass-”

“Who the fuck do you think I am?” I asked incredulously. “Do you honestly think I’m that kind of person? I get that not everyone is going to be thrilled about me coming back, but we’re fucking friends, Applejack! Through all the bullshit we’ve gone through, weathering all the nonsense you threw at me, we are friends! Yeah, so I hoped that people would happy to see me when I came back! I hoped that you would be happy to see me! Who the fuck isn’t happy to see a friend they thought was dead!?”

“I ain’t sayin’ I’m not happy to see you-”

I got up in her face. “That’s fucking bullshit! All you’ve done is come after me since you first laid eyes on me! What else am I supposed to think about that!?”

Applejack set her jaw, but didn’t say anything else, so I asked, “What’s the real problem here? If you’re happy to see me, happy to know that I’m really alive, then why are you so pissed about it?”

She let loose a breath. “I told ya that I can’t help the way I feel. I just need some time.”

I took a couple of steps back. “You know where I live. When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

She nodded and headed out the door just as Twilight was coming down the stairs. They went outside for a moment and I sighed, reaching for my coffee. It was still good, but the bitterness was even stronger than it usually tasted, which I attributed to the confrontation with Applejack. Seriously, it wasn’t like I was asking her to welcome me back with open arms or anything. I just wanted to know that she didn’t fucking hate me for something I couldn’t control. It pissed me off that she was feeling angry about my sudden departure, but that’s just how fate had things slated for us… It fucking sucks.

Twilight came back in with a dour look on her face, so I offered her a half smile that she returned. “How’s the coffee?”

I shrugged. “Strong enough to put you on your arse.”

“Perfect. Pinkie stopped by to tell me that she wants that favour you owe her repaid today.”

“So much for a day full of cuddles.” I sighed.

“Oh, no, that’s still happening. It’s going to be here and I’m going to watch.” Twilight said, picking up her mug.

“Sweet. Are we going to have two of them going at the same time?”

“Nope. You’re going to get Pinkie off and she wants me to clean it when she’s done.”

“...And you just agreed to that?”

She shrugged. “It’s the price of admission.”

“Okay then. I guess you’re going to learn what pink personified tastes like today.”

“I’m betting it’s bubblegum.” Twilight theorized.

“If it’s cotton candy, you owe me a blowjob.”

“If I’m right, you owe me a tummy rub.”

I stuck my hand out and she shook it, so I went to the icebox and knocked a couple of times. “Oi! Pinkie!”

The icebox opened and Pinkie vaulted over the side. “How do you always know where I’m hiding!?”

I shrugged. “You put yourself there because I’m looking for you, duh.”

Pinkie gave me a black look and I turned toward Twilight, a little frightened. “Let’s get this show on the road, yeah?”

We got the show on the road. I’m pretty sure I’ve described the thing with Pinkie Pie before, and I don’t really want to record it anyways, so I’m just going to say that I’m glad she chose to sit on something that was easy to clean. I won my bet with Twilight, so I had something good to look forward later in the night, but there was also the fact that Spike walked in on me pleasuring Pinkie just as she was in the midst of her climax. The look on his face was priceless, and when Pinkie looked at him, gasping for air, he raised his hands and backed out of the room. I’m sure no one missed the tent in his pants as he did so, but then again, the poor fellow probably didn’t know how to handle the situation anyways. I wouldn’t have, to be fair.

After we were finished with the favour, Pinkie asked if we wanted to do some baking since she was over and I told them that I’d be watching them carefully. Twilight assured me that they hadn't done anything completely retarded in a year or more, so when I caught them trying to flambe cupcakes, I told them to knock it off before they ruined their streak. I received two scoffs for my efforts before a pastry fucking exploded for no apparent reason. It was a delicious mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.

Pinkie left around noon and I ended up eating most of the baked goods we’d made, so I was okay on food for the time being. With that being said, Twilight and I decided that it was pretty pertinent for me to actually get some food in my house, so we went shopping for various ingredients and cookbooks so I could fucking eat at my own place. I hadn't actually had a home cooked meal since I’d been back, and I wanted to have one, even if I had to make it myself. We’d ended up picking up cookbooks that were geared towards cooking for get-togethers and the like so I could eat my fill and be perfectly fine, though that meant I was spending a pretty fair amount of money on food.

With Pinkie’s visit out of the way and my food situation sorted, Twilight suggested we go to Rarity’s to have me remeasured for future use. The only problem I had with that was the fact that Applejack had just told me earlier that Rarity wouldn’t be terribly happy to see me, but Twilight maintained that Rarity could keep her feelings out of her work like the professional business woman she was. Sadly, no matter my protests, Twilight wasn’t listening to me and ended up just teleporting us right outside of Rarity’s shop. She went right on in and I followed shortly after, sighing and buckling up for more bullshit.

Rarity was in the front of her shop for once, doing some bookkeeping while waiting for customers. When she saw Twilight, she beamed, but when she saw me, her smile faltered. “Twilight! Max. How can I help you?”

Twilight smiled. “We were hoping that you could take Max’s measurements and have a new suit made for him. Nothing fits quite right since he came back from Earth.”

Rarity gave her the one of the fakest smiles I’d ever seen. “I’m sorry Twilight, but I’m not taking any new orders at the moment.”

Twilight stopped smiling. “Oh. Can you at least take his measurements then? I don't know of anypony more accurate-”

“I really am sorry, darling, but I’m just managing my ledger for the day. I’m sure you understand.”

“I don’t.” Twilight said, her voice hardening.

Rarity glanced at me and I sighed. “Let’s just go, cherry. I told you Rarity wouldn’t be up to the task.”

The marshmallow-y one glared at me, but addressed Twilight. “Perhaps you could stop by some other time?” Without me, of course.

Twilight crossed her arms, but before she could say anything, I spoke. “Thank you for your time, bonny. We’ll see you later.”

My lover turned her glare to me and I shook my head, gesturing for her to lead the way out of the shop. She walked quickly and I had to take extra long strides to keep up, but it wasn’t like she was running away or anything. Once we got away from Rarity, Twilight started in.

“I can’t believe her! She prides herself on being able to handle any customer, no matter how difficult they might be, and here she is lying to get out of doing something as simple as doing measurements! I asked her yesterday what she was going to be doing today and she told me that it wasn’t going to be anything important!” Twilight fumed.

“Rarity’s just upset with me, cherry. Don’t expect her to want to deal with me just yet.” I said, putting an arm around her waist.

Twilight looked at my hand. “We’ll talk about Rarity in a moment. I don’t remember you ever putting your hand there.”

“I guess we’re trying something new.” I answered simply.

“...I like it. Moving onto Rarity again-”

“There’s no point, cherry. She and Applejack just need some time, okay? They’ll come around when they’re ready.”

She sighed heavily. “If you say so, I guess we can wait for them.”

“There’s no we on this one. You’ve been with them the past two years. You’re still friends with them. It’s me they don’t want to be around quite yet.”

“...Let’s go see Fluttershy.” Twilight said, dejected.

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so I just suggested that we grab Fluttershy and get her to come to my place so I could cook lunch for us. Twilight agreed that lunch at my place sounded nice, so she asked if we should invite Spike and I was all for it since I hadn't had a chance to sit him down and talk man to man yet. I had Twilight fly over to Fluttershy’s since she had wings and wasn’t wearing a skirt so I could go and talk to Spike. When I got to the Treebrary, I smelled a smelly smell. A smelly smell that smelled a little like protein, so when I got to Spike room, I picked the lock silently and flung the door open while standing off to the side. I heard him scramble to get his pants back on and listened to his heartbeat fucking skyrocket, which I found hilarious.

“H-Hello?” He called out meekly.

I turned the corner and tried not to laugh. “Hullo Mr. Wanker.”

“Max!? What did you do that for!? How did you do that!?”

“I’m magic. Wash your claws and get ready. We’re having lunch at my place.”

“...So you know exactly what I was doing.”

I rolled my eyes. “I was sixteen once. Actually, I was sixteen for like, three hundred and sixty-five or so days."

“Right… Don’t mention this to Twilight, okay? She still doesn’t know what I do when my door is locked.”

“Oh, I’m not going to snitch you out just yet. I’m going to use this as leverage just in case you ever try and be a little shit.” I grinned evilly.

“Dude!”

“Come on, Captain Wanker. We’ve got work to do in the kitchen.”

“Do I really have to wash my claws?”

I gave him a ‘What the fuck?’ kinda look. “What the fuck? Of course you do! No one wants to eat your jizz without being notified first!”

“...Dude. That’s weird.”

“It’s weirder that you don’t wash your hands after beating your meat you creepy fuck.”

He held his hands out, stared me in the eyes and blew fire on them for like, ten seconds straight. “I don’t wash my hands anymore.”

“Great, now you have burnt jizz on your hands. Go wash ‘em.” I pointed behind me with my thumb.

“Since when are you my dad?” He asked, crossing his arms.

“Since I can still take you down without a problem.” I crossed my own.

“Try me.” He challenged.

I picked up up with my tentacle, lifted him to the ceiling and dropped him. “Keep fucking with me, Spike. You’re forgetting that I’ve been in more fights than people you know. Hell, I’ve killed more people than you talk to.”

Spike picked himself up off of the floor and glared at me. “You can’t just disappear for two years and think I’m just going to follow you wherever you go, dude!”

“I’m not. I’m expecting you to have lunch with Twilight, Fluttershy and myself. It’s perfectly reasonable.”

“You just dropped me from the ceiling! That hurt!”

“Dragons are tough. I should know; I’ve fought multiple.”

He stormed past me and went to the bathroom. “I’m not washing my hands because you told me to!”

“Alright mate.”

Spike finally came out of the bathroom two minutes later and we took a trip outside. On the walk back to my place, I asked how things had worked out between him, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom. He said that he was officially dating Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom as of a year ago and that Scootaloo had found that she just didn’t want to be with stallions, though that didn’t surprise me much. He and Scootaloo still did stuff together, but they weren’t romantically involved, though she had started something interesting with Sweetie Belle. He mentioned that he’d seen them kissing once, but hadn't asked about it and I told him that he was smarter for not poking his nose into their business.

I didn’t bother asking how far he’d gotten with any of them since I really just didn’t want to know, though I did mention to him that there was a woman who’d shown interest in him a couple of years ago. He shrugged it off, stating that it probably didn’t matter but I reminded him that it had been a proper woman instead of a young lady like he was currently seeing. Spike perked up and asked about who it was, and when I told him that it was Fleur de Lis, he was staggered like I’d told him that Rarity wanted his dick or something.

We chatted casually after that and he told me that he’d missed me a lot while I was away and that he’d been trying to stick to what I’d told him about being a real man. I complimented him on his diligence, though I also reminded him that being a little shit was doing the exact opposite of what I’d told him to do. He asked how he was being a little shit and I explained that unnecessary backtalk and trying to make me eat his baby gravy was just fucked up beyond all meaning and he let it slip that no one had said anything. I gagged and told him to stop baking things for Pinkie when she came by randomly, and when he asked why, I asked him if he’d ever bothered to wash his hands before doing so. He blushed brightly and wondered out loud if she knew when he was doing the wankable because it always seemed like she popped up right after, asking him to do some hands on baking. I asked him if the legal age in Equestria had been set yet and he told me that he was officially okay to do the sexuals. I advised him to keep it to people he loved and he mentioned that Pinkie had offered to spend some Quality Time with him. He didn’t get what it meant in the moment, but the conversation we’d been having clued him in. I told him that the final result was up to him, but warned him that his girls might be a bit offended that he didn’t want to give them his first time.

That’s when I learned that he had two dicks. I didn’t need to know that.

I told Spike to stop talking after he told me that and asked a few questions about how he and Twilight had coped with the loss of their Human. He said that he’d been sad once he realized that I wasn’t coming back anytime soon, but Twilight had always told him that our necklaces would have let either of us know if the other was gone for good. I knew that my necklace had winked distress every now and again, but it hadn't really stuck around. I realized that those winks could have been entire days of Twilight being in pain, but when Spike said that he’d never left Twilight’s side, I couldn’t do much more than than him for sticking next to her.

We got to my place during a lull in the conversation, though Twilight and Fluttershy were already there, getting lunch prepared and ready to go. Twilight was pretty much just letting Fluttershy do the cooking, so when Spike and I arrived, the three people who actually knew how to cook banded together and started working like a well oiled machine. We decided to make some fettuccine alfredo because I fucking love that shit, though Fluttershy and Spike were a little staggered by the amount we were going to make. In the cookbook that was supposed to be cooking for a six person plus family, I’d added a bit more to the recipe and they were a little unsure that I would be able to consume all of the leftovers. Twilight mentioned that I’d broken Applejack and Rainbow’s buffet record by a good margin and I just giggled a bit at that. I still could have fit another plate or two in after that.

Once we got stuff cooked, I started devouring like I wasn’t going to have another meal in the day and though I kept it polite as usual, Spike couldn’t help but stare.

I took a break from eating to ask him a question. “Are you checking me out, mate? You like what you see?”

Spike blushed hard. “What!? N-No, that’s not it, I-”

“So what? You think I’m ugly or something?” I challenged.

“No, it’s not that either! It’s just-”

“I bet you just like seeing me with white stuff all around my mouth, don’t you? Pervert.”

Twilight and Fluttershy giggled while Spike flustered. “Dude!”

I looked to the ladies. “I’d tell you two to be careful about eating alfredo in front of this little pervert, but I think he’s more interested in ‘stallions’.” I turned back to Spike. “I bet you’ve been lusting after Macintosh and I all these years, haven’t you? You’ve got the big, strong farm boy and you’ve got the sly, roguish lad. Who makes your willy go wild, Spike? Me or Macintosh?”

“Neither!” He cried. “I’m not gay!”

“So you’re not gay for either of us.” I raised my brows, feigning surprise. “You couldn’t be lusting after Shining! He’s your brother, Spike!”

Spike choked on nothing and started coughing while the girls started laughing, giving up the joke. “Max! That was so mean!” Twilight lightly swatted my shoulder.

Once she got her breath back, Fluttershy said, “I thought it was funny.”

I nudged Twilight. “See? Fluttershy gets it.”

Spike glared at me. “You know I’m not gay!”

“Of course. How else would you have two girlfriends?” I asked matter-of-factly.

Spike groaned. “Dude, you suck so much.”

“I’d only suck on Twilight.” I stated.

“Dude!”

Twilight hit me harder. “Max!”

“Fuck me in the ass, won’t you? You know the gender reversal spell, right?” I winked at her.

“...I do. We could try it.” Twilight changed into some male clothes and then turned into Dusk.

I gave him a peck on the cheek. “Come on, Spike. You wanna watch?”

He stared at us and got up from my kitchen table, backing away slowly while Fluttershy, Dusk, and I stared at him expectantly. “...I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know.”

Dusk wrapped his arms around me and hung off of me. “Are you sure? You don’t want to see your brothers get really weird?”

Fluttershy coughed and raised her hand. “I-I’d like to watch.”

Spike sighed. “Does anypony mind if I just take my plate and go?”

Dusk did the process of changing back into Twilight. “We’re just playing around, Spike. Please come back to lunch.”

He did so begrudgingly, though I was paying more attention to the disappointed look on Fluttershy’s face. We finished up with lunch quickly enough and Spike said that he was going to go see Sweetie Belle for a milkshake. Fluttershy stayed behind and eventually I figured out that she was just waiting for a good time to ask for a Devil’s Threesome. It was given to her, though Dusk was the first one out, so I ended up fucking Fluttershy for a good hour while Dusk sat off to the side, alternating between male and female forms while masturbating. It was interesting enough to watch, though I was more disappointed that she didn’t want to join in and lick Fluttershy at all. I managed to convince her to eat my seed out of Fluttershy when the time came and that was pretty hot, so I was rigid before they were done. The buttery fluttery one wanted to try going down on Twilight while getting her rear reamed, so I grabbed the lube from my nightstand and had myself a good time. My lover later said that Fluttershy was awful with her tongue, but in her defense, I don’t think Applejack ever trained her properly.

When Fluttershy flew home because her legs weren’t working properly, Twilight teleported us back to her house and I started writing after puffing on my pipe a few times. Going a month without smoking had made my tolerance fall through the floor, so I was rather slumped on Twilight for a little bit, though she was soaking up the contact. Eventually, she just had me put my head in her lap and we continued smoking on her supply. She’d had Briar Rose keep up the good work on my garden, so we had plenty of herb to smoke and Twilight had even found a way to germinate the plants without ruining the whole crop. I was just happy that we still had weed to smoke.

I picked up where I’d left off on A Star-Crossed Love when I came down a bit and reviewed my notes for the book. I remembered the direction I’d wanted to take it in, so I got a chapter or three done before I moved on to writing in my journals, despite Twilight’s insistence that I keep at it. The creative flow just petered out after a little bit and there wasn’t anything I really wanted to do with the story, so I didn’t want to keep writing just in case it went badly. My lover was a little irritable when I told her that I’d get my journals written out before continuing on the story, but she still let me do what I wanted without too much fuss, so it’s been nice.

I imagine that we’ll carry on late into the evening with some more cuddles and a few more tender caresses from time to time. Or I might fall asleep. Twilight just asked if I wanted to smoke a bowl from her pipe and I agreed since I’m a sucker for her and good weed, but those two together make me an absolute fool. Cheers to you, cherry. It’s been a rough homecoming, however, I’m just glad you were happy to have me back.

Author's Notes:

Welcome home. I'm sure some reactions will expected while others are going to be left fielders.

Author's note at the bottom of the page because the spoiler function doesn't actually work anymore for some odd reason. At least not in the author's note part, which is some suck.
The spoiler is that Twilight felt Max immediately when he arrived on Equus. He didn't suddenly feel her presence because he isn't as sensitive to the magic in it as Twilight is.

As Always, Timey Wimey
Stay Cool, Kids.