The train ride was quite long and quite boring. I had the time to fill out my journals and get them caught up to a certain point, but that didn’t help too much when the journey itself was still nearly twelve hours long. I had some extra time to put in an order for something in Canterlot that I wanted Twilight to have with my Dragon Fire and was sent back a note telling me that it would be done in three days, so that was nice. Still, I had plenty of time to write and Twilight had plenty of time to worry herself to the point where I was giving her kisses every fifteen minutes on the dot to keep her calm. I wasn’t complaining since it was an excuse to lock lips with Twilight, but the duration of the kisses kept getting longer and soon enough, Twilight was just stuck sitting next to me with my arm around her. I was sure that the girls could have talked her down, but upon conversing with Spike, apparently she’d been stressing out about failing the ‘test’ Celestia had set for her even before we’d gotten on the train.

Twilight herself explained that she’d though it was going to be a written or practical test of some kind and I reminded her that this was a practical test in a manner of speaking, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. I waited for someone else to mention King Sombra, but when no one did, I assumed that I was the only one who really knew that he was still a threat. Twilight eventually told the girls everything she knew around the six hour mark of the journey and she made sure to tell them that Sombra was locked away in ice, but that wasn’t what Celestia had told me. I was going to have to keep an eye out for anything particularly dangerous, just in case he decided to rear his ugly head and lash out if he really was still around.

Most of us caught a nap since the journey was so long, but Twilight and I were too worried about the mission for us to get any real sleep, so we kept watch in turns whenever we did fall asleep. Honestly, Twilight was more afraid of failing her test than the fact that the lives of millions of people hung in the balance, and I found that to be absolutely asinine, but then again, she really just hadn't thought about it at all. It wasn’t like I was going to bring it up to her and stress her out more since, well, Twilight absolutely sucks under pressure, but I figured that keeping my worries to myself would be for the best either way.

We finally arrived at our destination and I saw that the train just kept going once we got off. I was glad for my coat when I arrived, but Twilight was still freezing her arse off. I would have offered her my coat to go with hers, but I was certain that we were in sub-zero temperatures. Spike helped Rarity with some of her bags when we got off, but everyone had told her that we weren’t putting up with her excessively packing again, so she had to levitate some and carry the majority of her own, which was a well deserved punishment for not taking her own strength into consideration. Of course she gloated about packing a fuckton of scarves when we stepped out into the cold, but I couldn’t help but notice that she was only wearing one at a time.

We stared off into the grey wastes and looked for the place we were supposed to be going when I heard hoofsteps crunching through the howling wind. Soon enough, Shining Armor came into view and greeted Twilight with a hug.

“Twily! I’m so glad to see you. We have to hurry back to the castle, we don’t want to be out here after dark.” He said ominously.

Twilight looked at him. “What do you mean? What happens after dark?”

As if on cue, a new noise sounded behind us and now seemed like a good time to get the fuck outta there, so I tapped Shining and asked where we were running to. Then the noise became audible and we didn’t have to ask anymore since he was leading the way. I nearly got left behind, but I was still ahead of Spike, so Shining levitated him forward and Twilight teleported me to her side, but the icy air made my lungs feel like they were ripping apart. I cast a furtive glance behind us to see what the fuck was going on and Shining stopped, so like a fucking fool, I stood by him and drew the Warbling Blade and willed it into its stiletto form. I slashed at the air vigorously and thrust my palm outward, sending gusts of air at a mass of what seemed to be a mass of Dark Energy and a set of eyes. Said eyes narrowed at my magic and when Shining sent a beam or a laser of some kind at it, I had to snatch him out of the way of the creatures retaliation which left a waist high pillar of black crystal on the ground. That shit was so cool, but now wasn’t the time to be admiring the enemy. I shoved Shining and started slashing at the air some more, trying to buy us some time for our escape, but things just weren’t looking good.

The thing that I assumed was Sombra (Or one of his machinations) back off long enough for us to start running again and I kept up the barrage of wind blasts as long as I could while Shining occasionally send back another pulse of laser magic at it. Between the two of us, we got to the barrier, but when we got there, I was fucking stuck outside with Sombra. Shining and I locked eyes while I was pressed against the barrier, but I wasn’t going anywhere fast. I turned around with a weight on my heart and met the triumphant gaze of Sombra with a steely one of my own. I wasn’t about to go down like some bitchified wanker, so I stood my ground and changed the Warbling Blade into it’s Kukri form, but that didn’t make Sombra back off at all. His magic really was far stronger than mine, but that didn’t mean that the Warbling Blade wouldn’t hurt him, so I lunged forward only to find myself surrounded by a darkish pink magic bubble that I recognized as Shining Armour’s magic. I changed the Warbling Blade back into its usual form and let the dome drag me into the barrier.

Once we’d caught our breath inside, Shining put a hand on my shoulder. “Alright, this barrier only keeps out Dark Magic. Why do you have Dark Magic?”

“Luna brought me back to life with it.” I answered truthfully.

He shook his head and skipped it. “Were you seriously planning on taking Sombra with a bucking knife?”

“You’d be surprised what this knife in particular can do.”

Shining looked at me like I was retarded. “I don’t use this word often, but are you retarded?”

I shrugged. “I’ve done crazier shit if you don’t think about it too hard. Let’s shut up and catch up to the girls, yeah?”

He shook his head and we looked around for them until we spotted them a little ways off, not too far from where we’d stopped to chat real quick. We joined them shortly and Twilight checked on us, but we were both perfectly fine except for me coughing up a little blood. I assumed it was from the fucking frigid temperatures and whatnot, so after I had about five minutes to meditate and rest, I was good enough to get up and go with the rest of the group.

Damn sturdy fucking Ponies. And Dragons, I guess.

The walk to the Empire proper afforded us a wonderful view of the city, but I wasn’t quite sure that we should have been calling it an 'empire' since it was literally just the one city to my knowledge. From the hilltop we were on, I could see that everything was made of crystal in different shades, affording the residents some much needed privacy. Lord forbid the crystals were clear. I could never stay here for more than a few hours otherwise. Observations aside, the town was made up of angular buildings that seemed to just jut out of the ground, but in a somewhat orderly fashion that told me some sort of magic was at work here, though I didn’t know what kind or to what extent, and no one had any answers for my questions.

We walked through the town and I was reminded of Sadsdale in a way that made my dick tingle with depression. I don’t know why I wrote that, but it really did make the Ol’ Chap feel like it was shriveling away into nothing, so I patted my chest to see if I was becoming Roxy and did a check to see if my buddy was still angling with the dangle. He was and he seemed fine, so I figured that it was all in my head and soldiered on.

The Crystal Castle was a fucking sight to behold. It stood on four legs like a stool of some kind and it was actually pretty fucking awesome. It glistened in the sunlight and stood a lot taller than Canterlot Castle, but I attributed that to Sombra’s arrogance when he ruled and left it at that for the time being. Rarity started gushing and stuttering about how magnificent the thing was until Applejack told her to knock it off and get serious about what we were here for. Rarity was about to protest when Rainbow made some nonchalant comment about the place and Rarity got way too close for comfort, beginning to scold Rainbow for her lack of appreciation for the astounding architecture. Rainbow laughed at her when she started scolding and we all had a chuckle at how well Rainbow had played it off, completely switching tones from the sheer terror most of them had been feeling earlier.

The Castle itself had so many fucking stairs. Like, seriously, how many fucking stairs can one place have? Cardio isn’t really my thing outside of sex, so my legs we on fire by the time we got to the throne room, and most of the girls had stopped to take a short break along the way. I didn’t want to stop since I didn’t know if I would have the motivation to keep going, so Shining, Applejack, and I arrived in the Reception Hall and waited for them. It took a few minutes, but I’d gotten my breath back and the girls seemed alright, so we stepped inside and I could tell from the get go that Cadance was exhausted. Shining rushed to her side and cast a spell on her that seemed to give her a bit more energy, and when Twilight came over, they did their adorable little dance and I paid special attention to the little shake that happened before their hug.

“One of these days we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn’t balancing on a pin.” Cadance smiled sadly.

Twilight gave her a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright, I’m just a little tired is all.” Cadance gave her a weak smile that I saw right through.

Shining cut in. “She’s not alright. Cadance’s Love Magic is what’s keeping Sombra at bay, and she’s been keeping it up for days on end. She doesn’t sleep, hardly eats, and the only help I can provide isn’t as strong as hers, so I can’t really do that much.”

“Don’t get down on yourself, mate. It’s fucking impossible to keep up with Alicorns anyways.” I said.

Shining sighed. “I know, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. How would you feel if Twilight was shouldering a burden you couldn’t help with?”

Now’s not a good time for snark. “I get it.”

Cadance put a hand on Shining’s arm. “It’s fine, Shiny. I’m fine.” She looked down.

“You’re not fine.” He turned to Twilight. “She can’t go on like this forever. If her magic fades…”

Twilight gave him a reassuring smile. “That’s why I’m here.”

“That’s why we’re all here!” Applejack said.

The girls gathered around Twilight and myself while Spike tried to squeeze in somewhere there weren’t funbags at eye level. He chose to stand next to Pinkie, amusingly. Shining started off by telling us that he hadn't really had much time to gather information since he was trying to look for signs of bigger shit happening in the Arctic. Cadance was putting all of her strength into her spell, so she hadn't been able to do much herself, so neither of them could ask the Crystal Ponies what was up. Rarity flipped the fuck out over Ponies being made of crystal and I gave her a look that made her shut the fuck up so Shining could keep talking.

He mentioned that someone had to know how the Empire was protected before Cadance showed up, so Twilight took that in the stupidest- most academic way she possibly could have and surmised that she would have to gather information from the Crystal Ponies and turn her findings in to Shining and Cadance by way of a research paper. I tried telling her that it wasn’t that kind of test, but I was dutifully ignored and she told Shining that she was ‘really good at this sort of thing’.

I shook my head and sighed.

We split up into groups of two, though Shining and Cadance requested that I hang back and wait for Scarlet Snow to arrive, despite my orders to stay with Twilight. I was going up the fucking walls due to the fact that I knew there was danger here and that I wasn’t doing a damned thing to help Twilight out with it. I tried making Cadance liters of coffee to help her stay awake and refreshed, but I soon learned that she could only handle a cup at a time. Shining left her in my care to go scout the wastes since I knew how to keep people up for days on end by regaling them with interesting stories and shit like that, so Cadance and I sat down and had a chat about a few of my exploits until I just had to ask a question.

“Alright, love. I need to get something off of my mind.” I stated.

Cadance gave me a worried look. “Talk and I’ll listen. You know I’ll answer any questions you have.”

“What are you and Twilight now? I thought you two were like sisters or something, but you’re obviously close in multiple ways now.”

Her eyes widened and she blushed a bit. “W-Well, we agreed that after sharing you that day, there was just something different between us. I may have known Twilight when she was just a filly, but I like the mare that’s she’s grown to become and she likes me. I just… I don’t really think we have a label for it.”

I nodded. “That’s pretty much what I thought. I have no problems if you’re worried about that, but I’ve been wondering about you two ever since that last kiss goodbye. It was absolutely stiffening.”

She blushed harder. “Max!”

I grinned deviously. “What? The woman I love the most and one of the most attractive women I’ve ever met were snogging right in front of me! What was my reaction supposed to be?”

Cadance covered her mouth and averted her eyes for a moment. When she collected herself, she was still grinning. “It’s nice to know that you weren’t just sleeping with me because I’m a princess, I guess.”

“In fairness, everything I told you the first time I met you was absolutely true. You really are a pleasure to be around. Simply enchanting.” I smiled.

She rolled her eyes. “Are you just going to flirt with me while my husband is away, or are you going to keep the conversation polite?” She sipped her coffee

“What does your arsehole smell like?”

Cadance choked. “Max!”

“Can I give it a sniff and check?”

“No!”

“Can I lick it?”

“What’s wrong with you!?” She laughed.

“I’ve never licked a princess’ arsehole before. I’ll have to see if Luna wants to let me do that.”

“I really think you’d have a better shot with Celestia, even if you two are separated.” She said, rubbing her cheeks to ease her aching muscles.

“No, Luna’s already let me taste her honey pot once. She tastes like blue raspberries, just so you know.” I sipped my own coffee casually.

Cadance’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding!”

“No, she really does taste like blue raspberries.” I gave her a cheeky grin.

“That’s not what I’m talking about! Have you really slept with Luna too?”

“I can’t really tell you about what we do in private since she’s asked me not to say, but we’ve never had sex in any form, if that answers your question.”

“That really doesn’t. I’m going to ask her why you know what she tastes like when I get a chance.”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t. I’m pretty sure Celestia knows, but I don’t want Luna to fuck me up for having loose lips while in your company. I can tell you that Twilight likes to watch, however.” I grinned.

Cadance raised a hand to her face. “I’m sure she does. I think Twily likes watching nearly as much as participating. “

I nodded. “I think the only time she ever really gets involved is if you’re the one I’m doing things to. I mean, she likes to taste me on other women, but she really is shy about doing things in front of other people.”

“That’s understandable. I mean, I’m pretty loveable.” Cadance flipped her hair.

“I’ll say. I’m sure you have plenty of admirers who want you to spray your love all over their faces.”

“And you took it there again.” She sighed.

“Hey, I’m not disagreeing with you or anything.”

“Is sex all you think about?”

“No, I also think about food and Twilight. It’s mostly eating food with Twilight, but still.” I grinned.

Cadance rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you think more about sex with Twilight that eating with her.”

“I think about eating her out pretty often. I think that’s a fairly good compromise.”

She sighed again. “I’m really beginning to think that you’re just as horny little Human all the time. How many mares have you slept with?”

“Do you count abusing someone until they orgasm from pleasure without penetration as sex?”

Cadance looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “I don’t think I quite heard that correctly. Did you say ‘abuse’?”

“There’s a cute little thing in Ponyville that like to be hit, whacked, walloped, caned, spanked, and pretty much borderline tortured until she cums a few dozen times.”

“...That’s terrifying.”

“I don’t know, I think Shining might like it if you tried some of the lighter stuff with him. Try giving the guy a few spanks one of these nights.”

“...Is that serious advice?” She asked.

“How’s your sex life so far?”

“...I’ll see if he’s interested.” That bad?

And so began a conversation about strap-ons, lubrication, and femdom in general. Once I explained to Cadance that I thought Shining was more of a sub than a dom, and what those two things were, she seemed a lot more interested. I found it a little odd that she took to the idea of dominating her husband so quickly, but when I got her talking about how lame her sex life was before the advent of the cock ring, I just wanted to help her out in any way possible. Cadance really liked some of the things I told her about domination, and by the thirty minute mark, I had her full attention as I explained that you could penetrate a man and get him off by stimulating his G-spot. She actually had me start over with some of the things I told her so she could take notes, and when I went behind the throne to consult Pinkie about some of the things I was unfamiliar with, she was shocked to find that I had more knowledge. I don’t know how Pinkie was there or why she was, but when I went back for another dose of information, she was gone.

While we were talking, Scarlet Snow showed up and I noticed that Cadance wasn’t paying attention, so I answered all of her intimate questions as if Scarlet wasn’t there and stared the Operative in the eye while I did so. Cadance eventually turned around to see who/what I was looking at and turned bright red when she realized that it was a person. I was hit multiple times for my shenanigans.

“S-Scarlet! I-I-I didn’t see you there!” Cadance stammered. “We were just having a hypothetical conversation is all that was. Nothing to worry about or talk about ever again.”

Scarlet just looked at her. “Your personal business is none of my concern, Your Highness. I’ve come to help keep you awake.”

“I think I’ve got it covered. Aren’t you supposed to be my contact while we’re here?” I asked.

“I am, but there’s precious little for us to do unless you want to join Shining Armour in the wastes. From what he told me, I don’t think you have the physiology to stay in the cold like Ponies do.” Scarlet answered.

“True enough. Coughing up blood fucking sucked.”

Cadance looked at me, shocked. “You were coughing up blood!?”

“Yeah, the shock to my lungs probably tore some of my membranes. It’s fucking cold out there, love.”

“I know, but that sounds awful! Are you okay?” Cadance asked.

“I heal fourteen times faster than your average person and even faster than that when I focus on it. I’m perfectly fine as I am now, if you know what I mean by fine.” I raised my brows at her a couple times.

Scarlet and Cadance rolled their eyes. “I can see how he would keep you awake, Your Highness. Being irritated is a perfect way to stay awake.”

“He’s not that bad.” Cadance said in my defense.

“I’m usually not. I’ve just been saying more goofy things because I’m worried.” I added.

Scarlet just nodded, so Cadance and I went back to talking among ourselves until Shining came back. Cadance asked Scarlet to give us a few minutes alone, but invited me to stay while she had a quick chat with Shining Armour about the joys of being dominated. The guy’s ears were twitching like crazy and he kept looking at me like I was going to fucking choke and die any moment due to some prayers he may have or may not have been saying in his head. Cadance slowly grew more excited as she talked and I kept my face nice and straight, nodding along with some of the things she was saying. At the very least, she seemed to be awake enough to hold the barrier now, and her flashes of exhaustion could be put in check by Shining’s magic.

We finished up with that business soon enough to Shining’s pleasure and we started talking about ways the girls would hopefully come up with information. My methods consisted of finding the seediest parts of town and starting from there while Shining’s way was more along the lines of tracking down the rough and tumble looking characters and getting them to talk by showing some strength. Cadance’s way would be to just talk to the first few people she met, and while Shining and I were pointing out that the average person probably doesn’t have that much intel on anything in particular, Twilight came in with a book.

She started telling us about some Crystal Faire bullshit that put in place by the first Queen of the Crystal Empire and was held yearly to do some shit that sounded like it would right in with Equestria’s ‘peace and love’ motif. I didn’t see how it would help since she also told us that the people had collective amnesia and that they all seemed to be traumatized by Sombra’s rule, but Shining thought it sounded rather promising. Since he wasn’t going back out into the wastes to do his bullshit, I was free to tag along with Twilight and Spike to help put the fair thing together, but before I could join them, Shining asked Scarlet to come back in and keep Cadance awake so he could have a word with me in private.

Once we borrowed a room to do the talk in, he slammed the door shut and glared at me. “Why? Why do you hate me so much?”

I raised my hands. “I just needed to keep her awake, mate, and BDSM is an interesting topic. I didn’t think she’d actually take to the idea.”

“Just stop talking about sex with my wife!”

“I’m like her consultant! She has questions, I give answers. I’m not going to shag her again,” Without Twilight, “so don’t worry on that front.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about! That little ring thing you gave me kinda hurts, but she always wants me to use it!” His shoulders hunched and he glanced away.

I raised a brow. “Do you like how it hurts?”

“...Shut up.”

“I’m just saying that it’s normal to be adventurous in bed, mate. There’s nothing shameful about liking a little slap to go with your tickle. Just give it a go and move at your pace with the BDSM stuff, not hers. She might want to go a little fast for you, but you need to have clear guidelines set up-”

“I am not talking about sex with a stallion ten years younger than me! You’re also my sisters special somepony at that!”

“So who are you going to talk to about sex? If you don’t know what you can do, then how will you know to do it?”

Shining set his jaw. “How do you even know so much about sex anyways?”

“I’ve been having it for about five years and it was a pretty accessible subject in my world. There were multiple sources of information that would give you whatever knowledge you wanted in the comfort of your own home. You could learn things like different positions, how to use different toys, and what generally works best for men and women.”

“...What do you mean by different positions?”

“...It’s either going to get real awkward or I’m going to need some paper and a pen.”

“We have parchment and quills, but no ink.”

I sighed. “Let’s see if Scarlet finds me attractive.”

Short story short, Scarlet does not find me attractive and she slaps rather hard, though she didn’t even blush when I asked her to help me show Shining and Cadance new positions in bed. I asked why she’d slapped me if she wasn’t even embarrassed or offended and she told me that she just slapped stupid people for saying stupid things on occasion. I slapped her arse with my tentacle since she’d overreacted and I found a way to draw without using a pen. I had forgotten all about the Warbling Blade and its stiletto form originally being used to draw, so I tried doing that with it, but when I blasted the air in Scarlet’s direction, she levitated me off of the ground so she could slap me twice: once forehand, the other backhand. It was a savage move that reminded me of Pokemon for some odd reason and I asked if it was her signature move, nearly earning me a kick to the dangly soft bits until Cadance told her that going so far would be considered assault while in her castle

Scarlet argued that I was just being an 'irksome gnat' at this point and I replied that she was being an aggressive, humorless cunt. She pointed out that slurs she didn’t know the definition of were pointless, so I called her a sow and left it at that. She actually did color once I said that, but Cadance stepped in before we could start throwing real punches at each other and told me to go help with the fair while Shining and Scarlet helped keep her awake. I told them to give her plenty of coffee in small doses to start and to begin upping the cup sizes once they stopped affecting her since Shining hadn't thought of coffee in the first place and Scarlet was being a cunt.

The girls had everything under control when I found them and they’d already put the fair together in the time it took me to talk to Shining and Cadance about the many positions of the bedroom waltz, which I found to be pretty fucking amazing. Apparently there had been something for each of them to use their natural talents on and Rainbow even got to do some jousting, so that shit was cash. There really wasn’t much for me to do, so I stuck by Twilight’s side as the last of her Magic Song bullshit petered out. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever written about it because I try not to think about it, but it’s truthfully the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It wraps you up and teaches you choreography that you never knew you had, making you sing a fucking song while you dance. Come to think of it, I’ve probably never written about it because I generally try to get blackout drunk immediately after it happens or go into a ganja induced coma, but I have neither substance on me right now and I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough. It’s not like the magic is irresistible or anything, but it’s annoying as fuck. As it was, I still ended up humming along with the last few notes because I wasn’t careful.

Twilight ended up cutting some crystal with magic to make a centerpiece thingy that looked wonky as fuck. She told me that the book had mentioned one, so I asked how the bloody fuck she’d managed to get the fair put together and take the time to do that bullshit too. My lover shrugged and said that I’d been talking to Cadance and Shining for a 'good while' or some shit. I asked Twilight if I could see the book she was reading and skimmed through the bits about the fair, but the first thing I noticed was that ‘Crystal Heart’ was capitalized. The rest of the book was in a shitty archaic dialect, but that shit was definitely referring to something that wasn’t just crafted on the fly. I asked Twilight to give that section another read and asked her if anything stood out to her, but she just glanced at it and said no, stating that she was trying to get the Crystal Faire started if I was done being difficult. That irked me a bit.

I gave Twilight an irritated look. “Cherry, far be it from me to tell you how to go about your business-”

“Exactly!” She beamed and hugged me. “This is my test, so you just keep standing there and being handsome! Preferably silently.”

Being ignored annoys me. Being snubbed and ignored pisses me off. “You’re not listening to me, love. I don’t-”

“Relax, Max! This has to work! It was even in the book!”

“You’re getting real close to-”

She squeezed me a bit tighter and looked up at me. “Shhh! Be good and don’t break anything, okay.”

I took a deep breath and pushed her away. “Lemme have the book a mo’, will ya?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Sure. I’m going to go get the fair started while you read, I guess. I think I got as much as I need from that anyway.”

“Yeah, you do that.” I said flatly.

She furrowed her brow, but still walked away to go do the thing she said she was going to do while I skimmed the book some more. The Crystal Heart only got a few mentions, but every one of them lead me to believe that something just wasn’t quite right about Twilight’s hypothesis, so I decided to look into it myself. I noticed that there was a page missing at the back of the book, leading me to believe that it would be my best bet to start there. With the book in hand, I walked around for a minute or two when I found a random guy to ask some questions, and before any mother fucker says something, Cadance’s way of gathering intel is not better than mine. It just so happens that I’m pressed for time and it seems like something the citizens would have knowledge of.

I stopped the random dude. “Oi, mate, can I ask you a question or two?”

He looked at me sadly. “Sure, I guess.”

“Lovely. Do you know what the Crystal Heart is?” I asked.

He perked up immediately and due to some pointless magic, his coat seemed to brighten from the dingy color it had been. “You mean the Crystal Heart? Of Course! It’s the relic that protects the Crystal Empire from the harsh weather outside!”

I bit back a sigh. “Thanks mate, I appreciate the help.”

“Any time. Do you know where it is?” He inquired, a little pep in his voice.

“I’m looking for it now. Trust me when I say I’ll find it one way or another.”

He gave me a man hug and walked away since there was no reason to say anything else, I guess. He could have wished me luck or something, but I noticed that his coat faded when I mentioned that I didn’t have it, so fuck that guy for being a sad sack of depressed bullshit. I heard Twilight announce that the Crystal Faire was now up and ready to begin, so I headed back to the Throne Room inside the castle since I figured it would be the best place to hide something if you were an evil ruler. Shit made sense to me, but I can’t say I didn’t have my doubts. After all, I wouldn’t do something that fucking dumb, although Ponies tended to be some kind of fucking retarded most of the time and Sombra, though evil as shit, was still a Pony. Technically a Unicorn, but now I’m just getting bogged down in details.

By the time I fucked off and got up the stairs again, my legs hurt and I was feeling awfully irritable, so when I saw Shining and Cadance on my way to my destination, I asked if they knew why Twilight was being so stubborn about her test and not allowing people to help her. Shining gave me a knowing smile and told me that it was just a part of Twilight that I hadn't seen yet. Cadance assured me that her stubborn streak was a good thing, but I maintained that ignoring someone who was trying to lend a hand with no strings attached was fucking stupid. Shining gave me a glare for that and Scarlet looked like she was just waiting for an order to fight me like the twat she was. It took a lot for me to cast my own frustrations aside and tell them about what the random guy had told me. Cadance said I could have free reign of the castle as long as I didn’t do anything too destructive and I told her that I wasn’t a destructive person by nature. Violent, yes, but not destructive. The Prince and Princess just shook their heads and walked away with Scarlet in tow, though the level gaze she passed my way wasn’t missed.

I walked into the Throne Room and gave the shit a goosy gander, looking over everything multiple times, asking myself where a crazy, most likely narcissistic, sadistic, shit fucker would put something that protects thousands if not millions of people. The only thing I could think of was under his own arse so he could fart on it all day and that made me chuckle, but while I was fucking around with my thoughts, the centerpieces of the throne caught my eye. There were symmetrical crystals on both sides of the throne, but the centerpiece was unique in the way that it seemed as though it were cut rather than naturally formed, a lesson I learned from ‘accidentally’ sneaking into a jewelers show while he was working on some quartz and various other things. Come to think of it, that guy was actually really cool about nearly being robbed and even taught me some shit that helped me steal better shit in the future, which is why I never went back without a bottle of liquor in my hand. I only visited a few times over the years and I never learned his name, but it’s probably better this way. Shit, not like it matters now.

I need to stop getting sidetracked.

I decided to test out a few theories I had on the centerpiece thingy. On one hand, whacking it too hard with my psychic tentacle would land me in deep shit with Cadance, but on the other hand, I could just throw load a Seal with ‘Activate’ on it and see if that does anything. It was worth a shot, so I took the book in my right hand and formed my Seal in my left so I could actually aim this toss. It only took me thirty seconds to load ‘Activate’, which was pretty fucking great since most of my enchantments took a minute or five to get right. I high-fived myself mentally, then did it to the air, sending my seal straight at the crystal centerpiece. With hopes of being able to remove my mark if nothing happened, I watched as my Seal hit the thingamabob and for some odd reason, it started turning grey and cast something like a shadow over the floor, leaving a translucent shell over a fucking ridiculously deep set of stairs. I groaned and tried to put my foot on the first step, but it was like a barrier was over it for some odd reason. I wondered why simply activating the crystal didn’t work until I facepalmed, realizing that Seals aren’t necessarily Dark Magic: mine is just tainted. It also made me wonder if Seals were True Magic, but I saved that thought for later and decided to see if I could still live up to my old nickname.

I climbed onto the throne with little difficulty and put my hands on the centerpiece, channelling magic into the thing to see if that would work. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the crystal was now straight up black instead of grey and I looked behind me to see that the shadow was darker now. After clambering down, trying not to get myself fucked up, I considered telling Twilight about my find, but then again, she’d made it obvious that she didn’t want my help, so I wasn’t about to fucking give it to her. I knew it was some petty bullshit and that I was probably going against Celestia orders as we spoke, but I wanted to prove my goddamn point. Twilight could have been right beside me as I was heading down the stairs, but she’d chosen to ignore the hint I pointed out to her, so she could deal with it. Come to think of it, I was probably just hurt that she’d cut me out of her activities so bluntly. I hadn't gotten to help organize or execute the fair, and all I’d done to help anyone out was tell Cadance that coffee was good for keeping your energy up. Other than that, I’d done precious little and I just don’t like feeling helpless. Feeling useless was pretty much just as bad, so despite my rational, reasonable side yelling at me to go get Twilight, I continued on by myself.

The stairs went on for fucking ever. Forever and then some, I should say. It took me so long to get down said stairs, I actually heard Twilight gasp from somewhere near the top and decided to cool my heels. There was a door with a crystal as its keystone or whatever those decorative things are called, so I figured that it had to be activated with more Dark Magic before it would work. I stood around, listening to Twilight’s hoofsteps while she descended and tried opening the door myself, but it kept zooming around the bottom of the stairwell like it was either alive or enchanted. I almost hit it with some Dark Magic then and there to just get it over with, but the good in me won out, so I waited for Twilight to get down to my level.

As it turned out, she got there a lot faster than I did by way of falling down the stairs a couple flights, and when she was about to hit the actual floor, she caught herself with magic as I was racing forward to catch her myself. Twilight opened a single eye and looked around while I righted her and flipped her skirt down.

“Nice of you to join me.” I said drily.

“Max! What are you doing down here!?” She asked quite loudly.

“Following the lead I was trying to give you. I’m guessing you figured out that the Crystal Heart isn’t something you can just make?”

Her eyes widened. “You knew? You knew and you didn’t tell me!?”

I had to stop my lip from curling and keep my voice level. “When did you give me the chance? When you were cutting me off in the middle of a sentence? When you refused to see the clue I saw? When you straight up ignored me?”

“Max, this is my test! I’m not supposed to get help from anypony!” Twilight argued, her brows furrowed.

“Celestia said, and I quote, ‘Your task is to protect and help her as much as you can.’. You didn’t let me give you the lead, so I followed it myself, and it brought me here; how many steps ahead of you? You’re not supposed to do this alone; You’re supposed to do it with the resources you have and you’re straight up throwing me away! Believe it or not, my insight is a resource! I am a resource!” My voice had climbed while I spoke and Twilight glared at me.

“You’re not turning this around on me! I’m going to do this alone, one way or another, and you and I are going to have a talk about this when I’m through!”

“Fucking lovely. Go ahead,” I pointed at the door, “open it.”

Twilight huffed and went to go grab the handle, but the door darted off. She turned around to glare at me, but I wasn’t phased. “You knew it would do that.”

“And the funniest thing is that I know exactly how to open it too. You wanna be Rambo Solo, you go right on ahead.” I said bitterly.

Twilight grit her teeth and tried to open the door with magic, but when she got close to it, the thing zipped around the wall to the other side of the room. This went on for a few minutes until Twilight got frustrated and kicked the wall, hurting her hoof in the process. She sat down and cried, though I was pretty sure that she wasn't all that hurt. It sucked pretty hard to see my dearest love in pain and it broke my heart in ways that made me stop being angry with her for a little bit, so I shrugged off the chip on my shoulder and gently wrapped my arms around Twilight, but she tried to peel my arms off of her until I made it clear that I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Twilight, please use me. You don’t have to flat out ask me how to open the door, but letting me give you a place to start from is perfectly fine.”

She sniffled. “I thought you said you were going to let me do it by myself.”

“We’re burning through time we don’t have." I reasoned. "Twilight, what do Sombra and I have that you don’t?”

She wiped her eyes and looked back at me. “Male genitals?”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Besides a set of dangly bits. Think about it: Why would I be able to find this room, but not just anyone else?”

Twilight’s breathing levelled out and she thought about it for a moment. “Well… I guess you and Sombra are both Dark Magic users, but I don’t see- Oh!” She lit up. “The crystal Celestia showed me! It had to be activated by Dark Magic!”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “There we go. I’m sure I don’t need to say anything else for now.”

Twilight clutched my hands and gave me a real kiss. “I… I’m sorry I ignored you, Max, but this really my test, and I can’t let anypony help me too much with it. Celestia entrusted this task to me, and I need to be the one to get it done.”

“I’m sorry I got so offended, but I really just can’t handle feeling useless. It’s not one of those things I deal with very well.”

Twilight touched my cheek. “You’re never useless, amour. You just can’t be involved with everything I do.”

“I can try. What if we shrink me down enough so that I can’t really do anything other than bounce around on your breasticles?” I jested.

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a warm smile. “I’d laugh, but we didn’t have time for me to cry anyways.” Her face got serious. “We’ve got a real problem and I need to get this done.”

My lover closed her eyes and seemed to focus, beads of sweat forming on her brow at a rather quick pace. I thought her concentration face was one of the cutest things I’d ever seen, so I locked that memory away for future use and watched as she opened her glowing green eyes and blasted the crystal keystone with a bolt of black magic, finally making it open. Twilight grabbed my hand and gave me a brilliant smile, leading us into the bright light coming from the door, but once we got inside, her hand slipped from mine and I found myself in the cop shop in Wiltshire. Again. I had been here more times in few fucking months Equestria than I had in multiple years while in England!

I looked around and drew the Warbling Blade since I was sure that either Chief Graham or the abomination that once plagued my mind would show up, but imagine my fucking surprise when I heard footsteps coming from behind me that didn’t sound like dress shoes or monstrous footsteps. I whirled around to face my assailant and looked Maxwell dead in the eye.

“Wotcher mate.” He said softly.

“Hullo.” I replied meekly.

“You know, I’ve been watching you since you got to Equestria.”

My heart skipped a beat, despite knowing that this was all a lie. “Really?”

“Yeah. You stole my greeting. And my fucking name, but I’m more mad about the greeting.”

“I’ve also been using that greeting to open conversation where I shag sexy aliens.” I pointed out.

He snorted. “It’s whatever. I’m more upset that you’ve been a complete failure since you got there.”

I slapped myself two good times and the scene shifted to the Old Castle in the Everfree. Noir was standing in front of me and I just raised a brow. “You’re going to tell me you’re disappointed in me.”

“I hate you.” She snarled.

“Suck it up or suck me off. Noir loves me unconditionally, and if you don’t get that, then you’re not going to phase me. What else you got?”

And so it threw quite a few things at me. In the end, I met Celestia, who told me that she’d never loved me, Luna tried to kill me, the Chief tried to rape me again, Rat Bastard pulled out a bigger needle, Twilight said that I was heartless and unloveable, and my friends ganged up to tell me that I was a useless piece of hateful shit. All in all, it would’ve tugged at my heartstrings if I hadn't spotted the illusion for what it was right off the bat, but I suppose lesser creatures could be phased or whatever by that sort of nonsense. By the time Spike shook me out of the illusion, I was pretty much just annoyed by the things I’d seen. Twilight was a little shaken, and when Spike tried to look at the wall, he started saying shit about leaving Ponyville until I yanked his tail and got him to come back rather quickly. Twilight tried a different kind of magic on the keystone and the wall faded away to reveal… More fucking stairs! Wonderful!

Twilight started walking up them, but after a few steps, she asked Spike and I if we’d like to come along and so we did. After a fucking fuckery fuckton of fucking stupid goddamn stairs, Spike mentioned that Sombra would be a big enough arsehole to make a staircase that goes on forever, so Twilight asked us to grab her hands and she started casting a spell that reversed gravity. That shit was actually super dope and instead of busting our arses going up flight after flight, we started sliding down and I had to use the Warbling Blade to make sure we didn’t go too fast or slide off the edge and die or some shit. Twilight was grinning like a fool the entire time, shouting about how she’d studied gravity altering spells, thinking that they would be on her test and I asked her how long it had taken her to get that shit done. She mentioned the time we’d snogged on her ceiling as an example and that she’d learned the spell earlier in the day.

We got to the top/bottom of the staircase and Twilight flipped gravity again and I’m pretty sure my understanding of the laws of physics just broke in half since we should have been on the underside of the tower instead of the top, but fuck logic and the things that come along with it. We landed in a heap with me on top of Spike’s hard, scaly arse and Twilight on top of me, so I did a pushup to stop crushing Spike and Twilight hopped off of my back and ran over to the Crystal Heart before I could stop her and ended up getting herself trapped in the circle surrounding the damned thing like cliches were cool. It bounced out of the way, so I picked it up and held it. Shit was kinda cool.

“Max! Spike! Sombra could be attacking the Crystal Empire at any moment! You two need to get the Crystal Heart to the Crystal Faire as soon as possible, and don’t worry about me!” Twilight exclaimed.

I passed the Heart off to Spike. “I’ll stay with her, you go make shit happen.”

“B-But what about Twilight’s test!? What if she fails because we-”

“Go!” Twilight and I shouted in unison.

Spike looked over the side of the tower, trying to find a faster way down than walking on the stairs, but I could see from our position that we were just about out of time since Cadance’s barrier seemed to be flickering more and more often. Someone hadn't kept up my coffee regimen, otherwise we should have had a few more minutes. Crystals started to form on the side of the tower, and when I looked over, vertigo almost made me fall right off the side, so I got as close as I could to Twilight and told Spike to do some extremely dangerous shit by way of travelling down the crystals coming from the side of the tower. Twilight told me to go with him, and since she seemed to be fine, I choked down my paralyzing fear and did as she asked. Spike straight up fell off the shit, and me not being one to let people die alone, followed him right after with a half formed idea in my head. The wind whistled as I fell and I remembered through some movies and instructional skydiving videos that I’d watched during a YouTube binge that spreading out would help slow your fall, but I needed to catch up to Spike, so I narrowed myself and brought him to my side with my tentacle when he got in range. I went for the Crystal Heart soon after and hoped that I would be able to not get us killed. I mean, I could come back, but Spike would stay dead, and Twilight would probably never forgive me for letting her brother die.

My hopes were soon shot in the testicles when I felt a sudden impact, then were healed and kissed on the bell head when I realized that Cadance had Spike and I under each arm and that we were gliding quickly to the ground. I nearly pissed myself with relief, but I figured that would be a little too much relief, so I held it i until we touched down and Cadance set us on our feet, magicking the Crystal heart to its rightful place. She spouted some bullshit about love and unity keeping Sombra away, but I was really just thrilled that I didn’t die again and that Spike was okay. With the Crystal Heart in place, magic bullshit started to happen and the Crystal ‘Empire’ began to… I dunno, crystalize? Shit got translucent and it looked kind of cool, but Sombra was still on his feet and not disappearing.

And he looked pissed.

The Crystal Ponies gave me a wide berth when I activated my aura as I took my time in approaching Sombra. His crystal pillar crumbled under his feet and he was now on level ground, his hands flaring with Dark Magic, but not taking hold anywhere he tried to blast it. Another flash of magic radiating from the castle (I assumed) made my skin feel like it was on fire for a few moments, but after some time to get used to the pain, I realized the Sombra was limping towards me.

“My crystals!” He hissed.

“Be more worried about your life.” I replied hoarsely.

He came into what a normal person would consider personal space and laid a hand on my shoulder. I allowed the contact since it didn’t seem as though he was going to strike me. “Brother, we must escape!”

I stuck Nacht through the place his heart should have been and he stared at me. “Darkness and evil are two different beasts.”

Sombra’s mouth opened into a silent scream and his hand went for my throat, but as I twisted the knife in his chest, a beam of blue and dark pink magic hit his horn, snapping his head back. I ripped Nacht from his chest and his body lost all form, save for the corrupted piece of bone that was his horn. As Sombra turned to smoke and ash before my very eyes, I felt hands on either shoulder. I figured it was Shining and Cadance, so I ignored them and casually picked up Sombra’s horn because it looked like an interesting trinket. Nothing happened when I held my new toy up other than slow claps of applause beginning from all around me. I looked around and saw that all eyes were on myself, Shining, and Cadance which was pretty sucky since I didn’t really want to be noticed. Cheers were being thrown about and lifted high into the air, nearly deafening to my sensitive ears. Cadance and Shining kept their hands on my shoulders and pushed me along with them as we bowed to the crowd like we’d just performed a fucking show or something, which I thought was incredibly retarded in the worst of ways. After that, the crowd closed in on us and I shoved down the panic that I was feeling in lieu of shaking as many hands as I could. I couldn’t hear anything over the constant babble of congratulations and gratitude, but after awhile, it started feeling less gross to have so many eyes on me.

Eventually, Cadance and Shining had the crowd disperse so we could get into the castle and we were joined by the girls shortly, though I was willing to bet that Twilight was still on top of the tower, waiting for help or climbing down as we spoke about me stabbing Sombra in the heart. Applejack, Rainbow and Shining all praised me for my bravery, but Fluttershy, Rarity, and Cadance were adamant that I could have resolved the situation another way until I pointed out the fact that she and Shining had killed him harder than I had. Cadance hit me for implicating her in murder and Shining rolled his eyes and asked to have a word with me later.

We ended up going to the throne room and all too soon, we had a fuckton of Crystal Ponies flooding in to give us more thanks for freeing them from Sombra. I directed any gratitude towards their Prince and Princess and left to go find Twilight since I didn’t want to be congratulated anymore. That, and I was quite sure that she would be upset over not being able to deliver the Crystal Heart in person.

The only problem with me leaving the Throne Room was the fact that I had no idea how to get up to that tower without the use of Dark Magic, and since there were plenty of people in the Throne Room, I had nowhere to go. I ended up meandering about the castle for a couple hours until I came back to my starting point, and when I saw that Twilight had joined her brother, sister-in-law, and the girls, I didn’t waste anymore time into getting over to them. Apparently Twilight had seen everything from her position atop the tower with some vision based magic, so when she saw me afterward, she ran into my arms and thanked me for killing Sombra and I may have blushed. I told her that it was due to her gravity spell and general knowledge that we were able to get shit done, but she was in a huggy kind of mood, so I just had to stand there and take it like the hug slut I am.

We didn’t talk about much on the walk back to the train station, though I was a little confused that we hadn't even spent a full day in the Crystal Kingdom and were already going back. That actually irritated me a little bit, but I figured I could sleep out the worst of my annoyance on the way back to the Mainland, so at least I had that going for me. While walking, Twilight seemed thoroughly put out by the fact that she didn’t actually do all that much of her own test. Shining said that he was sure Celestia would find another one for her and I told her that Celestia was probably going to be upset with me for not allowing Twilight to do her own thing, but Twilight just felt worse for that, so I stopped her in her tracks and peppered her face with little kisses before telling her that things would work out as they should. Twilight just sighed and boarded the train.

I actually had that word with Shining and he said that Cadance had convinced him to give BDSM a try, but he still maintained that I was evil for suggesting it. I shrugged off his compliment and told him that I’d be the next Sombra if I kept up my evil streak and he just gave me a brotherly punch before rejoining his wife. It seemed like a good cue to go check on my future one, so I hopped aboard and we rode off into the bright sunny day.

We arrived in Gryphonia at the dead of night and Luna was waiting to teleport us to Canterlot. She rolled her eyes when she saw that pretty much everyone other than me was distraught at this point, so when when we joined hands in preparation for the teleport, I made sure to yank her over to me so I could lick her face real quick. She ended up teleporting us into my house for some odd reason and gave me a good whack for making her fuck up, but when I protested, she said that it was my own damned fault. It was totally worth it, though. When that was out of the way, she teleported us all to Canterlot and dragged me away from the group while some maids and butlers showed the rest of the girls and Spike their rooms for the night. The butler leading Twilight away asked if he should just place her in her old quarters and Luna gave him a curt affirmative before pulling me down a side hall.

Once we were out of view and inside and opaque bubble, she grabbed a handful of my hair and kissed me fervently for a few seconds. “You know that you’re either one of the dumbest men alive or you’re the most charming.”

“I’d say charming, but that only happens when I feel like it.” I gave her a grin.

“And yet some of the things you do strike me as more endearing than annoying. However, if you mess with my teleportation again, I will dominate you.”

“Not happening unless you want me to lose my fucking mind. Twilight tried just taking my cherry and I flipped my shit.”

Luna blinked. “You can dish it out, but you can’t take it? At all?”

“Nope. I can be as brutal as you need, but I’ve just been through too much to not panic every time I find myself being bound in any, way, shape, or form. I don’t get why people like being hurt in the slightest, but I know that they do and that I don’t mind filling the role.”

Luna just looked at me and dropped the shield. She apparently didn’t have anything else to say, but she did take me by the hand and teleport me into a very familiar room that I’d snuck into a few times. Celestia was sitting in bed, reading a book and I had a look around. Nothing seemed out of ordinary, stroke the table sitting in the middle of the room that had too many sex toys on it for me to be comfortable with staying in the same room given what Luna and I had just been talking about.

“Sister, Max says that he refuses to be dominated.” Luna announced.

Celestia saved her place in her book after a moment and gave both of us a funny look. She whisked off the blanket that had been covering her up to the neck and I saw that she was already wearing full dominatrix gear.

My dick shriveled a bit.

I backed away slowly, my eyes wide in sheer terror as Celestia said, “So he can’t take what he dishes out? What kind of dominator can’t take any punishment?”

I tripped on my heel and kept scooting away from her while she and Luna looked on. I didn’t stop until I hit a wall. Even then I used it to push myself off of the floor, back to my feet, and started sliding along the wall.

“Max.” They called out in unison.

I fucking bolted.

I had just ripped the door open when two different kinds of magic enveloped me. The door lit up a golden hue and closed as I was dragged through the air with magic. Luna stood there with her arms crossed and her brow high while Celestia was just giving me a womanly look.

“Did you really think you were getting out of here?” Celestia asked flatly.

“P-P-Please don’t hurt me.” I pleaded in a small voice.

Luna rolled her eyes. “We understand that you’re a good actor. Please stop and take your punishment like a man instead of a child.”

I curled up and hugged my knees to my chest. It was a lot harder to breath that way, but it’s not like the panic attack I was having was letting me breath normally anyway. Celestia brought me to her side and set me down on my arse, eventually ripping my hands from my knees with her ridiculous strength and picking me up to put me on my knees.

“If you’re quite done with your foolishness, we can get started.” She said brusquely.

She and Luna shared a grin before toys started floating over from the table. First things first, I recognized a strap-on, a bottle of lube, handcuffs, a riding crop, a cane and a few other things that I’d never seen before. My hands went to my necklace by themselves and I started muttering something under my breath that made Celestia frown.

“Max, what are you saying?” She asked, grabbing the crop that came from the table.

Luna grabbed the cane and leaned down to listen. “Sister, I think he’s calling for Twi-”

A soft pop went unheard and Twilight Sparkle in all her nervous glory was clutching her own half of the book shaped charm. Celestia immediately changed her outfit and hid the crop behind her back.

“Twilight? What are you doing here?” She asked incredulously. “You know better!”

Twilight blinked and looked between me and Celestia before I crawled as fast as I could to her side. My lover knelt down and took one of my hands in her own, which is when I realized that my hands had been trembling like mad.

“Princess? Well, Princesses. What’s going on? Why is Max so scared?” Twilight asked, a little fearful herself.

Luna coughed. “I believed turnabout is fair play. Is there a reason you’re here?”

“I think Max used our necklaces to call for me. Something told me he was in trouble, so I teleported to his location. Why is he so scared?” She asked, gaining a little steel in her voice.

Celestia and Luna traded a look. Luna was the one who answered, however. “Were you not listening? I just told you. I thought Max could bear taking a little of the punishment he’s been doling out to me.”

“Did he ask you to stop?” Her voice could cut through iron.

Luna looked away, so Celestia took over. “We thought he was acting to get out of it.”

Twilight cut her a glare fiercer than any I’d seen from her. “And you didn’t take the shaking as a sign?”

“...We weren’t looking for it.” The white twat admitted.

Twilight gripped my hand with one of hers and put an arm around my shoulder. “Are you okay, amour? I came in time, didn’t I?”

I hugged her. “You pulled through.” I answered feebly.

Twilight hugged me back. “For future reference, If you want him for anything, you go through me first.” She said, glaring at the Princesses.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Luna snarled. “You-”

“I think I’m talking to two mares who nearly traumatized my stallion because they couldn’t get their heads out of their rears.” Twilight spat, letting go of me.

I turned to face the diarchs. “A-Alright, nothing happened, so I think we need to let this go and keep these lessons close to the heart. Twilight needs to know before things happen and I don’t like being hurt for fun.”

Luna opened her mouth, but Celestia silenced her with a touch. “We understand, but we would like to remind Twilight that she is our subject and should show the proper respect.”

“When it comes to Max, I’m willing to go against both of you. Keep him out of it and I’ll be sure to give you your due.” Twilight said softly, losing her steam.

Celestia nodded and Luna huffed. “Of course. Since you’re here, I suppose we could go over the results of your test if you want.”

Twilight’s body language closed off immediately and Luna rolled her eyes. “I do not care. I’ll be in Night Court, sister.”

Celestia nodded again. “I’ll be by to see you before I fall asleep.”

Luna teleported us out, leaving the three of us in the second most awkward situation we’d ever been in while occupying Celestia’s room. At the very least I wasn’t caught fucking her again. With a little gentle prodding, Twilight started with her story, though by the end of it, Celestia was glaring at me and I realized that I really did do a fuck up real good, but I defended myself by saying that we really just didn’t have the time for Twilight to find the clues for herself. All in all, Celestia was disappointed in me, but quite proud of Twilight for following the few clues she had and using some of her own ingenuity to save the day, though it pretty much felt like lip service. She was, however, far more honest about how she proud she was that Twilight had sacrificed passing her test for the good of the people without a second thought, which was nice. It was enough for Celestia to give her a passing grade which was plenty enough to clear the air between them, if the heartwarming hug she gave her teacher was anything to go by.

I shook off the worst of my tremors and did my best to quell some unpleasant flashbacks so I could be happy for Twilight. What I wasn’t expecting was the fucking song magic again. She and Celestia teamed up for a duet and the girls showed up out of fucking nowhere, so I left the room and waited until I stopped humming to go back inside. The guards outside of Celestia’s room were in the same position I was in when it came to the humming, so we bonded over that. Kinda. It was quality archipelago time.

I came back inside to see the girls hugging Twilight and Spike standing off to the side rather awkwardly, so I joined him and we watched for as little bit until they broke their little hug. Celestia asked if she could have a word with me in private, making me sigh and Twilight get suspicious, but my lover acquiesced and the girls and Spike left the room so Celestia could talk at me some more.

Celestia just wanted to apologize for making me terribly uncomfortable and bitch at me for ruining her test for Twilight, but I pointed out that she most likely wouldn’t have found the entrance to Sombra’s real lair thing since it required Dark Magic to use it. Celestia pointed out that she’d taught Twilight the barest amount; just enough to open the staircase and it dawned on me that Celestia could have easily sorted out the whole affair without help. I groaned and facepalmed, but when she asked why I was hitting myself, I told her that it was because she didn’t understand just how down-to-the-wire shit had been. Seriously, if Cadance’s magic had failed five minutes earlier, we might not have been able to save the day and I said as much. Celestia maintained that Twilight would have found it out in time, but I was of the opinion that we shouldn’t have been risking something so big in the first place. Why she didn’t just give the girl a normal test like a normal person is beyond me, but I settled for telling Celestia that she was goofy as fuck. She, of course, rolled her eyes and teleported me into a room that seemed like it was made for a bookworm. I assumed it was Twilight’s, so I walked around, found the shower, and had myself a much needed rinse since I’d been grimy from sweating my arse up so many fucking stairs.

Laying in what I hoped was Twilight bed for a few minutes, I heard a door open. My assumptions were proven correct when my favorite Pony walked through the door and plopped herself down on the bed next to me. I scooted around so that I was sitting next to her and she laid her head on my shoulder, but I could feel her smile practically radiating pride and warmth. She asked how my talk with Celestia went and I told her that I’d barely managed to escape being punished for fucking up a bit of her test. Twilight assured me that I’d been correct when I said that things would work out, so I gave her a quick hug and asked if she could teleport my journal to me. She complied with my evil demands, and with my book in hand, I started writing. It took me awhile to get to this point, but Twilight and I had to stop and talk about the way I’d felt when she’d snubbed me after I told her the Crystal Heart was an artifact instead of a thing. I was prepared to let it go, but Twilight was upset that she’d hurt my feelings so casually, despite me telling her that it was okay. In the end, the Crystal Ponies were still made of crystal and that’s really what mattered, though Twilight wanted to dwell on her mistake. I shut her up with a few kisses and that was the end of that.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The trip back to Ponyville was boring since Celestia didn’t feel like teleporting us back and Twilight just forgot she could do it herself or something. Still, I didn’t want her to have to deal with Rarity’s shit anyway. Hopefully lugging all of her shit that she didn’t even use once back to her shop/flat would drive home the idea that maybe overpacking is a bad idea. I’d only brought my satchel with me, so I was good and most of the other girls had only brought a bag or two to accompany them. I didn’t mind helping Twilight carry her heavier bag since she’s my girlfriend and I’m supposed to, but when Rarity objected to me helping Twilight who had significantly fewer things to carry, I told her that it was because Twilight only asked me to carry one thing. She was salty as fuck until Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Spike all took my side.

I would have gone to the Treebrary with Twilight, but I wanted to go home, so I did. I saw Mother Goose on my way back home, but her goslings were nowhere to be found. She told me that they were old enough to be left alone now, so I wished her luck with them and any goslings she would have in the future. She honked at me and I kept walking because how the fuck do you respond to a simple noise?

I took my key out to open my front door to find that it was already unlocked. With that in mind, I drew the Warbling Blade and silently opened my door, sensing something wrong in the air. I crept through the entrance hall and into my living room where I spotted Brilliance and someone I assumed to be another Dryad. The new one was a bit thicker than Brilliance and her hair was a darkish yellow, though I didn’t know what exactly that meant, if it meant anything at all. I came up from my crouch and coughed to get their attention.

“Brilliance, what did I tell you about wandering into my house?” I asked sharply.

She blinked and the other Dryad just looked at me. “Uh… You said you would stab me if I did?”

“You’re looking like you need a good old fashioned stabbing right about now.” I said drily.

Brilliance looked at her friend, puffing out her cheeks. “I told you we should have just waited outside! You’ve gone and gotten me stabbed!”

The other Dryad shrugged. “You’ll heal.”

“Oh, I’m stabbing you too.” I informed.

“Oh… Is it too late to run away?” The unknown one asked Brilliance.

To answer their question, I picked them both up in my tentacle and bent them over. In a few long strides, I was at optimal spanking distance and brought the metaphorical hammer down on four cheeks in rapid succession before letting them down. Brilliance back against the wall and glared at me like that was going to do something while the other Dryad just held her butt.

“I’m going to let you off easy this time since I’m guessing you need me for something.” I said casually.

“Meanie!” Brilliance yelled.

“Butthead…” The other muttered.

“Stop coming into my house whenever you feel like it and I won’t be a meanie butthead. What do you girls want?” I asked, already tired of their shit.

They traded a look. “We wanted to ask for your help, but you weren’t here, so we waited around for you.” Brilliance said.

I just stared at her for a moment. “You wanted my help with…?”

“There’s an Ursa Major breaking down Dryad trees deep in the forest. We thought that your Dark Magic might be able to turn the battle in our favor.” The unknown one said.

I rolled my eyes. “Let me write out a note real quick and I’ll be right with you.” A thought crossed my mind. “Do you know if the Wolfmother is already lending a hand, or rather, a paw?”

Brilliance gave me an odd look. “She is, but how do you even know about her?”

“She’s my companion.” I said simply.

The Dryads traded another look. “You’re not mating with her, are you?” The other one asked.

I sighed. “Why does everyone think that? She’s like a furry sister to me, Goddammit!”

“Companion must have a different meaning in the Urbane forests then.” The unnamed one shrugged and started walking off until Brilliance caught her.

“We have to wait for him to do his stuff first! He won’t know where to go if we just leave now!” Brilliance said.

“Why doesn’t he just follow our scents?”

“Because he can’t track them very well, he can only tell that they’re there.”

I shook my head and pulled my Dragon Fire from my satchel, sending a note off to Twilight to let her know that I was about to go fight some Ursa Major thing with some Dryads. Twilight teleported to my side and gave me a look.

“Max, I just read your note. Dryads aren’t real.” She said putting a hand on each of my shoulders.

“I should probably explain that they are, in fact, quite real and that they’re just invisible to Ponies and people who haven’t spent much time in the Everfree.” I said.

Brilliance scoffed. “It’s the curse of the Urbane. We prefer it this way.”

I turned to look at her. “If you’re not careful with what you say, I’m not helping you. Insulting my Twilight is the quickest way to actually getting stabbed.”

The other Dryad stepped in front of Brilliance, though I noticed that she was reluctant to do so. “You may take our hindquarters, but you’ll never take our spirit!”

“Max, what are you looking at? Did you let the little snakes bite you again?” Twilight asked, fretting over nothing.

I gave her a bored look. “I’m not high and I’m not fucking with you. You can come with me if you want, but I’m probably going to be killing this thing if I can.”

“Celestia has a hard time dealing with Ursa Majors, amour! How do you plan on taking one on by yourself?”

I gave her a look before going over to Brilliance and picked her up suddenly. Her waif-like form offered me no resistance and I used her feet to kick Twilight a couple times. “You feel that?”

Twilight gave me a look and rubbed her tummy. “You don’t have to poke me with your tentacle!”

I sighed and let Brilliance down. “Alright, new plan: Twilight, you know I can’t really lift more than, like, two things at a time, right?”

“You could’ve been practicing while I haven’t been looking.” She pointed out.

“Actually, the never lying thing should be enough to convince you that I really do have Dryads in my house.”

“You could just be trying to pull a prank on me.” Twilight said.

Brilliance scoffed and the other Dryad sighed while I just facepalmed. “I’m not trying to prank you.”

“...Oh.” Twilight said softly.

“Yeah, I’m not trying to fuck with you, I’m trying to go help them out. There should be plenty of them to help me deal with the thing, so do you want to accompany me into the murder forest so we can stop the rampaging Ursa Major?”

“...I guess. I suppose it would be pretty good practice.”

I gave her a quick hug. “You know where your clothes are here, but if you want to wear some of Roxy’s trousers, you’re welcome to it.” Because they’ll make your arse look fantastic.

Twilight gave me a quick peck and walked upstairs because magic conservation or some shit and I just looked at Brilliance and the new Dryad for a little bit. “Alright, Brilliance already has a name and you don’t so I’m going to call you Sunny. Sunny, don’t just walk into my house or I’ll actually stab you next time.”

Sunny nodded. “Okay.”

I turned to Brilliance. “And you. You fucking know better.”

Brilliance looked down. “I tried telling her we should wait outside, but it was hot.”

“You’re part tree. Just go into the Everfree and get some water or something.” I said blandly.

They traded a look and Brilliance sighed. “We should have thought of that. Your Urbane water tastes a little funny anyway.”

“Can you suck dick, or do animals not ask you that very often?” I asked.

“Suck...Dick?” Brilliance asked slowly.

“I’m taking that as a no.” I crossed my arms and looked towards the stairs, waiting for Twilight to come down so we could get this show on the road.

I figured I had a little longer to wait, so I grabbed some strips of dried meat and had myself myself a snack. Brilliance and Sunny just chuckled at me for being an omnivore that prepares its food, so I whacked them both on the thigh with my tentacle, though it was more of a firm pat that a whack. Twilight came down while I was still snacking and told me that kisses on the lips were off limits unless I ate something that would help mask the flavour of meat on my tongue, so I grabbed a couple apples and started munching away as I followed Sunny and brilliance into the Whitetail Woods.

Now, the Whitetail Woods aren’t quite as expansive as the Everfree, but with the path Sunny and Brilliance were taking us on, we had plenty of it to trek through. Their path was different from any I’d seen, though the trail they had us follow was pretty much the one of least resistance, at least, as far as I knew of. There was little in the way of nettles or briar to impede out progress, so getting around wasn't bad at all, though it was still more of a pain in the arse than I would have liked. Still, it was easier than when we crossed into the Everfree. Our little group had to slow down for Twilight, but luckily, we were able to ward off any possible threats due to Sunny and Brilliance being made of tree. They sang a few Manticores to sleep and we continued onward, heading pretty deep into the forest. The journey was pretty boring other than the fact that Twilight needed a rest every few hours, giving us time to find some things that were actually pretty tasty. As it turned out, Twilight was able to eat the fruit that had been a diuretic to me without any issues and the Dryads found me a tree with fruit that tasted like they were made of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. It even had the same consistency as them, but Twilight assured me that it was a healthy fruit after casting a spell on it.

I filled my satchel with as many of those fruits as I possibly could and we kept going, though I didn’t stop snacking on my reserves as we went. I really did like them, but when Twilight gave one a shot, she found it to be absolutely disgusting, so she let me have me fill of the delicious fruit and kissed me to see if the taste lingered. For some odd reason, once the fruit was in my mouth, it tasted like cookies to her, so during one of our breaks, we ended up snogging and I found that to be the best thing since cookie flavoured fruit. Twilight tried to dominate me orally, so I let her have her fun and made sure to get a good taste of her for myself. Grapes and cookies were awful together, but grapes overruled the cookies soon enough and our audience made us stop so we could get a move on.

After six hours of walking, we finally heard a terrifying, heart stopping roar from further ahead. Brilliance and Sunny took Twilight an I by the hand in turn and spurred us onward so we could finally go fight the damned thing. When we cleared the forest and stepped into a rather ominous clearing, I noticed that there was a lot of mulch underfoot, and that there were a lot of branches broken off of the trees around the clearing, but there was nothing indicating what had happened, so after looking down, I looked up. I didn’t like looking up because there was an enormous purple bear towering over everything, so I looked at Brilliance instead.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked.

“Nope. We want you to soothe it.” Sunny said plainly.

“Fucking lovely. How long do you want me to soothe it for?”

“We were think forever, but as long as you can manage would be nice.” Brilliance responded.

Twilight gulped. “I-I don’t think we have enough warm milk in Ponyville to soothe that thing.”

“Well, I’m going to load up a Seal with as much magic as I can fit into it and throw it at the thing. What’s your plan?” I inquired.

Twilight just shook her head. “I don’t think that’s going to work.”

“Anything else in mind then?”

“Uh… Let’s go see if we can find Nashoba?”

Sunny made a distasteful noise. “Tell your mate that Nashoba tried talking to it. The Ursa Major needs to be magically soothed.”

“Sunny says the bear needs to be magically soothed. Twilight, if you can load up enough magic to help me soothe this thing, I’ll rub your tummy and give you another whatever you want.” I offered.

She sighed. “I want another tummy rub and some sweet talk.”

“Sounds good to me.” I started conjuring up my Seal, but the more magic I poured into it, the stronger it got.

Eventually, it grew to the size of my torso, and I still l wasn’t done yet, so I kept going. I didn’t have time to look at how Twilight doing since I was pouring every ounce of my concentration into the seal, but I felt myself reaching the end of my rope quickly enough with the area behind my navel aching something fierce. Once I was sure that it was as stable as it was going to get, I glanced over and saw that Twilight’s Seal was considerably smaller than mine, though that’s not saying much. If I were to hit myself with my Seal, it would probably be a full body tattoo at this point, but still.

“Twilight! Are you ready!?” I grunted harshly.

“I’ve been waiting on you!” She responded tensely.

“Just let your magic loose already before anyone else gets hurt!” Brilliance demanded.

I cocked my arm back and prepared to throw my Seal at the creature as Twilight did the same. Our Seals weren’t perfectly in sync, but as they flew through the air, they fused into one and in the center of my Seal, Twilight’s was clearly visible, the different kinds of magic clashing and warbling through the air until it straightened out and the fused Seal began to fly true. The Ursa Major actually turned its head and the Seal hit it as it just watched it happen, its teeth bared as it prepared to roar. The Seal made contact with the monstrous mother fucker’s side and it seemed to just look in the general direction it for a moment before it let loose a mighty snort. Whatever it had been doing, it considered it far less important and turned to walk away.

I fell to my knees and Twilight knelt by my side to see if I was okay and I assured her that I was doing just fine, if not a little tuckered out from using so much magic at once. Twilight finally admitted that there were actually Dryads since she’d seen the rampaging Ursa Major for herself, though she still couldn’t see them. I asked Brilliance if I could go home and she told me that I couldn’t, at least, not yet. She lead us across the Ursa’s paw print, further into the forest while Twilight kept a hand on me, just in case I stumbled. My head hurt and my stomach felt quite empty, so I reached into my satchel and started munching on some more of the fruits from earlier because I was fucking starving. Twilight seemed fine, so I didn’t worry about her too much, though she did ask why we were heading further into the forest. Sunny explained that I was about to go see Nashoba and someone even more important.

We only had to walk for about thirty more minutes before we came upon a more natural clearing that seemed to have a mini Yggdrasil in it. The globe-holding tree was absolutely magnificent to look at, so Twilight and I just stared at it in awe until Sunny and Brilliance started dragging us forward by our hands until we came to the base of the tree’s roots. Once we were in front of it, a woman made of wood came forth and a woman made of flesh followed behind her. The one made of wood was strikingly majestic in a gynoid-esque kind of way, but the woman of flesh… She topped Celestia in terms of raw, unadulterated beauty.

Her angelic features were softer than the angular elven countenances of Brilliance and Sunny. Her nose was slightly aquiline, but it wasn’t terribly long like similar noses tended to be, and her eyes were slightly almond shaped and lit up with a depth of wisdom that made me want to ask her every question my rapidly blanking mind could think of. Her lips were full, but not excessive and her cheek bones were visible and defined, but they didn’t take away from the mild smile she was wearing. I noticed that her ears were only slightly pointed and that her eyes were actually the same shade of green that mine were, if not a shade or two darker between them, which I found to be quite interesting.

My eyes refused to move away from her face, but by some unknown force of nature, they forced themselves to take in the larger picture and I noticed that her body type was very similar to Twilight’s, though she had a bit more to spare around the hips. As she approached, I felt Twilight hand scramble towards mine as she stood next to the automaton. Twilight squeezed my hand and her fear snapped me out of my reverie. She was staring at the wooden woman with a few reservations about what exactly she should do.

“Relax, cherry. She’s not going to hurt you.” I said softly.

“How do you know it’s a she?” Twilight whispered.

“He can see my true form.” The woman and the automaton replied at the same time. The voice that came through their mouths was soft and when I thought about it, I realized that she had to be the eldest Dryad.

I turned to her. “Are you the Matron?”

She smiled a bit wider. “I am. You are the Dark One?”

I nodded. “This is my girlfriend slash future wife, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight waved at the automaton. “H-Hello…”

The real Matron came a little closer and took my hands in hers. She looked me in the eye for a moment. “Twilight Sparkle, I wish to give you and your mate a kiss.”

Twilight looked quite uncomfortable, so I said, “The tree isn’t the real her, Twilight. She looks a lot like a human, but… You’d have to see her to believe her.”

She gave me an odd look before biting her lip. “...I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

The Matron gave me a quick peck before letting my hand go. I had to assume that she was doing the same to Twilight because my senses were going absolutely fucking wild. I could see with an amazing clarity, hear with a sharpness that made the slightest rustle of the leaves , and smell everything in the surrounding area. The freshness of the trees, the smell of sap from those that had been destroyed, the lingering scent of stardust from the Ursa Major, Twilight’s arousa-

Wait, what?

I turned my head to see that Twilight and the Matron were still locking lips and I started to feel a little jealous. I had only gotten a peck and Twilight was getting the full experience, but that just meant that I was going to have to take Twilight aside and give her a better kiss than the one she was receiving. After thirty seconds of stiffening voyeurism, I crossed my arms and waited for either of them to pull away, but neither of them did, so I sat down on some ground between the giant roots of the Yggdrasil and found that I’d nearly sat on a snake and a chipmunk that were just chilling. I apologized and sat on one of the roots so I could have a proper conversation with them while my fucking girlfriend stood there snogging a being that was probably older than Celestia.

The snake and the chipmunk told me a lot about how life in this part of the forest was, stating that neither of them had ever had to go to the Broodmother’s resting place to take care of any injuries. As long as one was willing to play nice and respect the rules of the forest, they were allowed in the Matron’s presence for days on end, though there were times when she just wanted her clearing to herself. I figured that today just wasn’t one of those days because ten minutes later, she and Twilight were still swapping spit. I decided that it was rude to masturbate while in their presence, so I filled my time with juggling knives and even gathered a small audience of creatures of all shapes and sizes, switching up my routine on the fly as I went. It was a good pastime, though fifteen minutes into it, I was starting to get bored.

Twilight and the Matron finally broke their kiss, but Twilight wasn’t in the dream-like state that she was in when we broke our usual kisses. She simply kneeled before the Matron, looking directly at her. The matron gestured for her to rise and motioned for me to come back over, so I stowed my knives and heard collective sighs from the animals that I’d been entertaining, but that didn’t stop me from doing what the old thingymadoodle wanted. When I came back over, the Matron gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for being patient. Twilight and I had a long conversation about you.” She said, smiling pleasantly.

“I’m surprised you didn’t lick the back of her throat.” I said drily.

Her smile faded slightly. “I should have asked your permission as well. I did not take that into consideration.”

I waved it aside. “You acknowledged it, so it’s fine.”

She nodded and Twilight grabbed my hand, giving me an apologetic look. “Sorry, amour, it was just so…” She pursed her lips and tried to think.

“Pleasant? Warm? Nice?” I suggested.

Twilight sighed. “All three don’t even begin to cover it.”

The Matron smiled. “It was quite pleasant. You have taught your lover well.”

I grinned. “It’s her ability to learn. She picks up on things quickly.”

“I know. I thought that giving her a few more tricks would be the best way to reward you.” The Matron’s smile turned devious and I rather liked it.

“It’s pretty good, but improving on perfect is pretty hard.” I squeezed Twilight’s hand.

The Matron took one of each of our hands in her own, making us form a triangle that I hoped wasn’t symbolic. “You really are quite the sweet one when you choose to be. All other matters aside, I would like to thank you for assisting with the Ursa Major. We have had problems with them before, but I did not feel like putting up with its nonsense. I may be the protector of the forest, but even I tire of certain creatures.”

“It wasn’t that much of a problem. We just threw some magic at it and shit got better, so that was nice.” I replied.

“Max! That isn’t what happened!” Twilight glared at me for a moment before turning to the Matron. “He poured most of his magic into his Seal and I only used about three quarters of my own. If it wasn’t for Max, I doubt it would have worked.”

“I know, which is why I am going to give each of you a gift for dealing with a creature I did not want to put up with anyway.” The Matron closed her eyes and her hands warmed up slightly. “Alright, that should do it.”

She didn’t let go of mine or Twilight’s hands, so we just looked at her. “...So what happened?” I asked.

“Twilight will be able to see the rest of my Dryads now and you will be able to traverse the forest as you see fit. You will know the song to sing whenever you do not want to kill something. I would have given the same gift to Twilight, but we just generally do not like Ponies in the forest.” She turned to Twilight. “As delightful as you are, Dryads are a bit racist. At the very least Max looks like one of us.”

Twilight seemed a bit put out by that little tidbit, so I said, “Don’t worry, love, Ponies are racist too.”

“Hey!” My lover objected.

I raised a brow. “How did the Ponies in town react when I showed up?”

Twilight puffed out her cheeks and pouted. “You’re impossible.”

The Matron chuckled. “You two are precious. When The War comes, I hope that you will join our side.”

Twilight and I sobered up rather quickly. “What war?” We asked simultaneously.

“The War. It will be a war of the world.” The Matron sighed. “Things are peaceful now, but I will have to have you remove the Seal on the Ursa Major in time. Please, when you see Celestia next, tell her that I am willing to parlay with her, should she ever want to have an ally in the forests.”

“...Sure. Will do.” I said numbly. “So about this war…?”

“I do not know when it will happen, but there are forces stirring in the East and in Africa that seem to be leaning toward sending Equestria into Chaos. Perhaps it’s all conjecture? Perhaps this is all just the musings of a paranoid old spirit?” You’re not even convinced by your own words.

“I can’t say for certain, but I’m sure Celestia would be glad to have your help. We all occupy the same place, so we might as well band together, yeah?” I said.

Twilight looked a little scared. “There hasn’t been a war in Equestria since Discord took over! What- How- Who? Those questions!”

“As in pretend you asked them?” I inquired.

“Yes!”

“The what is most likely Discord. The how is most likely Discord. The who is a few people, but the main one we’re looking at is Discord.” The Matron answered simply.

“Fucking Christ, one guy starts all this shit? I really wish there were less of you immortal fuckers to go around.” I sighed.

“We immortal ‘fuckers’ tend to keep to ourselves. Celestia and Discord are the ones who refuse to let nature take its course.” The Matron sniffed.

“At least Celestia’s version sucks less. So can I expect you to keep us updated on the news, or am I going to have to have a word with Celestia?” I asked.

“I will send a Dryad or have Nashoba come to you with news. Consider it an extra present for helping me not kill one of the creatures I am supposed to be protecting.”

“Radical. Twilight, anything you want to add?”

The purple Unicorn just stared at us. “...We were talking about a war. I know you, Max, are from a country that’s familiar with war, but how can you, Matron, be so blase about it!?”

I was a little offended by what she said, but I held my tongue. The Matron responded with, “There are wars on smaller scales every day. Ants fight for territory, and so do bees and wolves on occasion. I see no reason why I should fret any more over the matters of Ponies and the other Urbanes.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I see where you’re coming from, especially since the Zgon are intelligent creatures. Would you happen to know if we’ll have their assistance when the time comes?” I asked.

“They will do as I ask. I am effectively their Celestia, but I do not play favourites.” The Matron smiled warmly.

I gave her a look. “You gave me a peck and spent half an hour snogging my girlfriend.”

“And?”

“Obvious favoritism right there.” I pointed out.

“It is simply preference. Why do you think all Dryads are female?”

“Because you’re a sexist?” I guessed.

“Yes, but mostly because they are more visually appealing this way, though I do admit that your form has its… Perks.” She gave me a lascivious smile.

Twilight was still reeling from the earlier ‘total war’ thing, so I gave her the rules. “You’re going to have to run it by one of us before anything other than kissing happens. We’ll probably say yes either way, but expect the other to want a turn.”

“Could I convince you to let me have some fun with Twilight?” The Matron asked.

“Be gentle with her and all’s well.” I said. “That is, if she wants to give you a chance.”

The Matron gave me a playful look. “There are few who would resist my charms, and that is without me even trying.”

"You know, that's pretty interesting. I tend to have the same effect on women." I smirked.

We both looked to Twilight who shook her head. “No. No. I am not going to let both of you try and charm me.”

“It’d be fun!” I smiled.

“No one would do anything untoward to you.” The Matron assured her.

“No!” Twilight let go of our hands and crossed her arms.

The Matron and I closed ranks and I felt something prod my consciousness. I don’t really know how to describe what I was feeling, but it was like there was a satin vine running from the Matron’s hand into my brain. It didn’t feel intrusive at all, but I knew that would change if I ever crossed her. It made me smile for some reason as she spoke.

“You know, Twilight, Max thinks you’re a perfect blend of pretty, cute, and beautiful.” She fluttered her lashes at my lover. “I happen to agree. Your nose is simply the cutest I’ve seen, your eyes are beautiful, like the clearest amethyst, and your cheeks lend themselves well to your chin and jaw, giving you the naturally pretty look.”

I nodded as Twilight blushed. “That’s not even mentioning the way her hair shines in light, whether from the natural sun or from candles. I spend more time with her and there are times where I stop in the middle of a sentence just to have a proper look at her. Have you seen the way her ears flick when she’s nervous or embarrassed? It’s just one of the many cute things she does.”

We stepped forward as one and spread out slightly, our hands still locked together. Twilight froze in place as we placed our free hands on Twilight’s arms. I had her left side and the Matron her right. “Such soft fur as well. It’s luster is so fine, I believe you could see from across the Everfree, and have you noticed her scent? It’s so incredibly unique and it just puts a person at ease-”

I cut in. “I love it. It’s helped calm me down so many times, I've lost count. All you ever need is to hold her close and take a deep breath; just let her work her magic and everything is just fine with the world. Have you tried testing her musculature yet? She’s perfectly toned, yet huggably soft-”

It was the Matron’s turn to take over. “And it just makes you want to hold her close and let her aura wash over you. She’s quite the remedy for whatever ails you, isn’t she? I’ve known her an hour and yet I can’t help but want to get to know her better in every way.”

“You could always speak to her. She’s such an honest person, and incredibly loyal too. She won’t hesitate to call you out for your mistakes, but she’s kind about it when all you need is a friendly word. She’s a great listener on top of that-”

“With those adorable little ears, I imagine so. The way they’re always trying to listen to you, like she’s analyzing every word. It speaks volumes of her intelligence. You must tell me, is she just a quick study, or does her intellect match her beauty?”

We teamed up to kiss Twilight’s cheeks. “She’s absolutely brilliant most of the time, but I can’t say which is more stunning: her blunders or her successes. She takes her lumps, but never have I seen anyone try so hard to learn from them.”

“An admirable trait for someone so young. Have you ever met a woman so well versed in polite conversation, but so refined with her tongue? I daresay she’s a one of a kind. Perfectly suitable for the only Human in existence.”

Twilight folded her hands and looked down, shuffling her hooves. “...Is there anything else?”

The Matron and I traded a look. “We could move on to your physical aspects.” We said in unison.

Twilight blushed brighter and backed up a step. “I-I think we can stop-”

“You know, her breasts have gotten a little bigger since I’ve known her.” I grinned cheekily, but kept my hand on her arm, stroking it gently.

“Her flank seems rather nice as well, and when your pair those with her flat stomach…” The Matron trailed off.

“You get the perfect cuddle buddy.” We grinned and looked Twilight up and down.

Twilight herself seemed to close off her body language a little, so I tilted her chin in my direction and gave her some of my undivided attention for a few seconds until I felt the mental vine tug me away. The Matron took her turn and I counted the seconds, giving her fifteen just like she gave me until I moved on to kissing Twilight’s neck, casually nudging the Matron to do the same through our connection. Twilight lifted her head to give us both access, but I felt my temporary partner hesitate to go any further without my permission, so we pulled back and let Twilight get a hold of herself.

“So, cherry? What do you say?” I asked, my voice thick with lust.

“Cherry? I think our perfect plum fits my pet name better.”

Twilight’s horn flashed brightly for a moment and I was glad that I was wearing a looser shirt. “Both of you. Somewhere private. Now.”

(Ctrl+F Scene Is Over To Skip)

The Matron and I were trading smiles when Twilight’s horn flashed again, changing my outfit into a royal purple skirt and a black blouse. I didn’t need to check to know that Twilight had made my livery match, but I was rather tempted to do so. While this was happening, the Matron was dragging us toward her tree and the trunk of the tree opened to allow us into a hollow that was absolutely stunning in its own way. The floor was lined with fine branches that were awfully furry, which I appreciated greatly since I’d had to pick my boots up when Twilight transformed me.

The first thing we did was look at the Matron and watch as her dress of gossamer and leaves fell to the floor, revealing her lovely form. Her skin was perfectly flawless and I started to feel a little self conscious until I realized that she was practically a Goddess, which made me feel less inadequate and more on the moist side. Twilight wasted no time in unbuttoning my blouse with magic, so I waited for her to be done before I just lifted her V-Neck from her torso. The Matron came to unhook my bra, so I undid my lovers, but due to my practice in such matters, I was done a lot faster than the Matron. Twilight had turned around and allowed me to start on her jeans by the time the Matron finally got my bra unhooked. I undid the button easily and helped Twilight slip out of them as the Matron searched and unzipped my zipper.

I stepped out of the way and let the Matron unwrap the most fun part, watching as I saw a thin string of Twilight arousal in physical form stick to her panties. I wasn’t going to stop my hand as it travelled downwards and pressed against myself, though I was far more interested in the scene unfolding before me than myself for once. I was going to have one hell of a menage a trois, and this time, it was going to be with a fucking nature Goddess. I don’t know whether it was the Dark Magic in me or my own twisted fuckery, but the thought of touching something that was practically nature personified with my filthy Human hands made me quite damp near the nether regions and I was sure that it was beginning to show when Twilight and the Matron turned their eyes to me.

They both beckoned me closer with a finger and I had to stop myself from leaping towards them, preferring to take things slowly. I crossed the short distance between us and I felt myself lean forward and my lips part, showing off the old pearly whites. My smile was met with a sultry look from both women, though Twilight’s was a bit more pouty. They each hooked a finger into the waist of my knickers and pulled down. Every ounce of my focus was poured into making two high steps, and much to my surprise, I didn’t even stumble or fuck up. Twilight and the Matron rose and we went for a three-way kiss, each of us palming someone’s arse with each hand, though I was a little disappointed that my breasts didn’t squish against either of my partners like theirs did to each others.

Sometimes I wish I had a nicer rack.

My thoughts of bodily deficiencies were blown out of the water when Twilight and the Matron pulled away, both of them looking at me. I knew that they’d decided that I would be the first to get off and I was pretty ecstatic. Being the shortest and the second lightest, Twilight swept me off of my feet and laid me down a little roughly, but the floor was soft enough that I didn’t give a single shit about it. It was at that moment they picked their positions: the Matron got down between my legs and Twilight kneeled over my face and I saw just how aroused she was. I tasted for myself and found that the slightly sour grape taste had left in favour of her usual grape juice/wine combination. Once I felt the Matron’s first lick, I knew that I was going to have to keep my wits about me if I was going to get Twilight off, so I focused on my lover, despite the ample distractions the Matron gave to me.

I teased Twilight unnecessarily, gently licking her lips until she tried smothering me with her pussy in frustration. I got the point after that and decided to get her off quickly rather than building up for a big one. I nibbled on her labia to get her off of me and moaned into her folds when the Matron sucked on my clit. I hadn't even felt her flick my hood back, but then again, mine was a little more exposed than most, so I did the same for Twilight, but I took her sensitive nub in between my fingers as I knew she preferred and added a little pressure while I spelled out a story into her lips with my tongue, making sure to dot my “i’s” and cross my “t’s”. Twilight was on the brink before I was, so I pushed her over the edge by lightly tugging on her clit and rolling my tongue around within her. I was rewarded with some sticky affection, and while Twilight was riding out her first orgasm, I reached mine thanks to the Matrons skilled manipulation of my clitoris and her understanding of how deep she was allowed to go.

Once Twilight and I were done with our fun, my lover let me up, licked my face clean, and we turned to our favourite third party. I wanted to return the favor and I knew that the Matron wanted to taste Twilight for herself, so we swapped positions and I tried to clear Twilight’s flavour from my mouth so I could get a proper taste of her. Her sex was brightly glistening with her own arousal and I briefly wondered why no other Dryad had genitals, but I brushed the thought aside and gave her a lick to see what she tasted like. As it turns out, she tasted like figs and a bit like pomegranates. There was a near chocolatey note that danced across my tongue that I recognized as carob from Maxwell’s weird cooking ideas, but figs took control and the other flavors disappeared, leaving me confused as to why I was tasting them in the first place. Still, I liked figs and going down on someone that wasn’t covered in fur was a fantastic experience I never thought I’d have again.

I took my time with her since the Matron had left the implication in my mind that she was in no rush, so I started off by gently rolling her clit around with my thumb and spreading her lips so I could lick the nectar from them as I pleased. Gently, I eased a finger into her narrow entrance and searched around for a little bump, but I couldn’t find it. I tried again with my middle finger, yet I was still out of luck, so I shrugged and relieved her clit of its protector so I could flick it with my tongue. I was rewarded with a muffled gasp, and after a few seconds of some oral dexterity, I had her squirming, but I was in for the long haul at this point. Pleasure became torture as a pressure started building up in my head and Twilight herself started moaning, but for some odd reason, I was quite tempted to join her, despite not really doing much to myself.

There was plenty more fun to be had, so I decided to give the Matron what she wanted instead of prolonging her ‘suffering’ any longer and when she came, I quickly learned that she was a gusher like Twilight. I did notice, however, that the pomegranates and carob returned, lending their flavours to the figs quite well, now that I think about it. The thing that struck me hardest was the fact that Twilight and I came along with her, though my lover definitely got the most of the experience. While my face was firmly clamped into somewhere lovely, Twilight was giving the Matron plenty of love to lap up. Once I was released, I decided to try myself from the source for the first time. I actually tasted a little sweet, much to my surprise, though I assumed that it was because I eat fruit like rabbits eat anything they can get their furry little paws on.

As much as I enjoyed tasting myself, we needed to let myself and the Matron ride someone’s face and Twilight needed to take her turn on the bottom, so Twilight laid down without hesitation and I got to give her nectar another try while the Matron was on top. I didn’t know how long the Goddess was going to last with Twilight, so I started with Twilight’s outer lips and started making her squirm, but the Matron was already moaning after five minutes, so I needed to pick up my pace. I took a shortcut and went straight for Twilight clit, ignoring my own desires so I could add a finger into her entrance. She tightened further at the intrusion, but once I found my favourite little bump, I gave it a good stroke and Twilight bucked her hips, trying to press my finger into it more firmly, but I’d already been planning on giving it the nice treatment she desired.

When I latched onto her clit and began giving her some of my best work yet in tandem with my consistent fondling of her G-Spot, Twilight could hardly stay still, and the Matron moans were picking up yet again. The odd sensation of being pleasured while nothing was happening to me was coming again, but it was far stronger this time, clouding my mind a bit and nearly making me stop. I was too good for my own good, however, and managed to keep going, despite my pleasure being directly linked to my two paramours. When the magic moment came, I was shocked to find that all three of us came hard, each of us spilling nectar all over each other.

With shaky legs, I took my turn on top of Twilight while the Matron took my place. I was careful to give Twilight enough space to work, but at this point, all three of us were a little wobbly and I figured that this would be the final blow. Twilight wasted no time in attacking my tender little nubbin, teasing my outer lips with her finger and barely penetrating me enough to make things interesting. I felt more at ease than I usually did, so when I felt Twilight go to the first knuckle, I didn’t even flinch. She prodded just a little deeper and I felt myself tighten around her finger, but other than that, I was okay. Twilight didn’t go any further, but she tried teasing her finger to help me loosen up a bit, which I found to be pleasurable in its own little way, but when I felt Twilight’s finger bottom out, I pulled her hand away entirely. We learned to stop at the second knuckle for the time being, and to halt progress beyond one finger shortly after, but I knew that it was the Matron’s influence having her test my new boundaries. It wasn’t like I was freaking out like I usually would, but it did make me deeply uncomfortable, which I considered far better than a blackout.

Twilight tried measuring how deep she could go with her tongue and found that she could use a fair bit of it, which thrilled me in all the right ways. My inner walls were sensitive since they’d only been touched a precious few times, and I was already a bit sensitive from multiple orgasms. The only thing I had to focus on was not suffocating Twilight, so I made sure to not do that and rode out the wave of pleasure that came while her tongue was deep within my walls. My orgasm was intensified by the Matrons magic and Twilight practiced tongue, though when she straight up shoved its full length inside of me and pinched my clit in the way that drove me crazy, I ground my hips against her face and cried out, not giving a single fuck about who heard me. This climax was the longest one yet and I was lucky to remember that Twilight needed to breath. I forced myself to give her some room in the middle of my orgasm, as fucking difficult as that was, but other than that, I lost myself in the bliss that came with cumming all over someone’s face. Twilight rode her own orgasm like a real champ, and when I gave her some room to lick, she was lapping up my self-made honey like she would never get another taste. I imagined that The Matron was doing the same, but I just didn’t care at the moment.

(Ctrl+F Sex Is Over To Skip)

I picked a side and fell off of Twilight as the Matron crawled her way over to us and joined us on the floor. We hadn't said much during the act and basking in the afterglow only needed a single word from each of us.

“Amazing.” Twilight gasped.

“Fun.” The Matron said lightly.

“Fu~ck.” I sighed.

My partners giggled and we continued laying there for a bit. Once I got my breath back, I asked, “So who wants to go another round?”

I saw two hands raise, but Twilight’s dropped first. “I can’t, but I want to.”

“I want to, but I have a feeling that Nashoba is waiting outside as we speak. Well, it’s not a feeling as much as I know for certain, but you know how these things go.” The Matron said, dejected

The Matron rose unsteadily and waved her hands about in the air for a few moments before her dress reattached itself to her. She took some shaky steps to figure out where she was going and left the tree open on her way out, a clear indicator that we were supposed to follow. Twilight and I gave each other a nice kiss, though it was probably a little weird that I licked her face clean of my own juices. Still, it was mildly erotic and it got me a lengthy parting kiss from Twilight. Once we got our clothes on, I lent Twilight a shoulder and we stumbled out of the tree, back into the bright light of the clearing. I knew that tree was going to smell like hot, passionate sex for the next few days if the Matron didn’t feel like doing anything about it and that made me smile, though the prospect of walking through the Everfree in a skirt made me really sad really fast.

Thankfully, Nashoba really was outside and she joined me and Twilight after wrapping things up with the Matron. “Max, Twilight. I see you two have despoiled the purest form of nature in this part of Equestria.” She observed.

“And what a great despoiling it was.” I sighed. “I just wish I could corrupt her like I did Twilight.”

Twilight squeezed me with the arm that was over my shoulder. “What? You’re not satisfied with little old me?”

“No, I could never have another woman besides you in my life and I’d be completely fine. I just like corrupting things for some odd reason. I blame the Dark Magic.”

“I blame your personality.” Lupa- Nashoba licked her chops. “The Matron told me about the gifts she gave you two. I don’t think you’ll want to traverse the Everfree wearing that. I’ve had fur all my life, but even I know that briars leave nasty scratches to those underprotected.”

I gave her a crooked smile. “You wouldn’t happen to be willing to give a poor, wearisome maiden a ride home, would you?”

Nashoba sat. “What would that maiden be willing to give for a ride?”

“I could ask Twilight to turn you into a Werewolf so you could try sex without the sole purpose of mating.” I offered.

Nashoba stared at me and Twilight gave me a funny look. “You know, I actually know a spell that turns animals into two legged creatures, but I don’t know how many ponies would be willing to give someone as strong as Nashoba a try.”

Nashoba sat down. “...That is mildly interesting, I must admit, though I would ask that you also turn Krel into a Two-Leg.”

Twilight looked between us. “Who’s Krel?”

“Bearett, the bear that lives with Fluttershy.” I explained.

Nashoba nodded. “He would be my preferred mate. I’ll even let you ride as well if you make us into Two-Legs for some time.”

“You can borrow one of my rooms if you need it. Or you can just spend the day as Two-Legs and see where that takes you.” I offered.

Lup-Nashoba. Nashoba held up a paw. “Shake on it?”

I grabbed her paw and shook with Twilight following soon after. Nashoba rose and turned toward the Matron who was now approaching us with a few Dryads dogging her heels. “I hope you two weren’t planning on leaving without saying farewell.” She said teasingly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, love. I know it’s a little late, but do you have a name other than the Matron?” I asked.

“I do.” The Matron said plainly.

Twilight looked at me, then at her. “Would you mind telling it to us?”

The Matron blinked. “My name is Uror.”

My eyes shot open as I looked between the globe-holding tree and back to her. I did that a few times, actually. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Uror looked at me funny, though her smile didn’t fade. “I did just fuck you, but I am not kidding. Does my name hold meaning to you?”

“Yeah! In my world, in some mythology belonging to the Norse people, Uror was one of the maidens of the Yggdrasil, the Ash Tree that Odin sacrificed himself on. If I’m not mistaken, Uror was ‘the past’ out of the three states of time. That’s such a cool parallel! Are your sisters like you?” My words flooded out and Twilight looked at me like I was crazy.

“Roxy, you sound like me when I’m covering a subject I want to give a lecture on.” My lover said.

I blushed. “Sorry, bit of a mythology buff. Norse mythology was fucked up, but I loved reading about it.”

Uror shook her head. “I assure you that my sisters will not be as pleasant as I am, should you ever meet them. The last time we were all together, we each took a root from the original Yggdrasil after a bitter argument about who would take Odin as their husband. Sadly, he joined the Heavens before we could sort the matter amongst ourselves, and if they know that you are a friend to me, then they will despise you.”

“How long has it been since you’ve seen them?” Twilight asked.

“Since before the Everfree was named. Beyond then, time had little meaning to any other creature than the three of us.” She answered.

“How old are you?” Twilight asked in awe.

“Older than Celestia and Luna combined.” I answered.

Uror nodded. “I don’t know the Equestrian calendar too well, but I was one of the first beings on this planet.” She sighed. “I cannot even speak of my original home.”

“...Was it named ‘Asgard’?” I asked quietly.

She looked at me sadly, her smile finally fading. “No.”

“It wasn’t Midgard, was it?”

Her eyes widened. “I cannot tell you this.”

“Can you tell me when you left, or rather, when you were taken?”

She winced and placed a hand over her heart. “I cannot.”

I thought of loopholes immediately. “Were you taken against your will?”

She waited a moment before answering. “I was.”

“When you were taken, we the people still using bows to kill each other?”

She waited another moment before smiling widely, a twinkle appearing in her eye. “They weren’t, they were using something like it. It was new technology.”

“...Have you ever seen more Humans?” A pain lanced through me heart, making me let go of Twilight and double over. I shouldn’t have blurted that out, but I needed to know.

Uror came over and placed a hand on my shoulder. “It is unwise to continue this conversation. Know that from now on, you will have my protection as I once provided.”

The small crowd of Dryads grumbled until she shot them a disapproving glare. They all flinched away, but I thought it was rather tame until I realized that I’d never seen the woman do much more than smile or frown ever so slightly. I rose and put Twilight’s arm around me once the pain faded, and I was absolutely sure, with no doubt in my mind that the gods people once worshipped on Earth were here on Equus.

It blew me fuckin’ mind.

Before I could stupidly ask any more questions, Uror gave Twilight and myself a pleasant hug and asked us to return sometime, though sex would have to wait until we were both here. Next time, I would hopefully be a male, but it was plenty of fun with me as a female in the first place. Hell, it was probably more fun, but I really wanted to stick my dick inside of a literal deity. Holy shit, I just realized that I slept with an actual Goddess instead of a figurative one. Fucking suck on that!

Once we were done with our goodbyes, Nashoba told us to hop on so she could make this quick, and once we were on, she told us to keep our heads low if we didn’t want to get whacked by branches. I really didn’t want to get whacked, so I laid as low as I could so Twilight could follow suit and we were off through the woods. I don’t know how I managed to hang on, but I did somehow, despite Nashoba’s incredible speed. I noticed that the roots and branches of the Everfree seemed to bend out of her way as we travelled and I was sure that we would be home within the hour, though I didn’t trust myself enough to check the pocketwatch that I didn’t actually have on me. I forgot about it in the moment, but now that I’m writing this out, I realize that it could have been pretty awful.

The ride took us to Fluttershy’s cabin where Nashoba asked us to do the thing pretty much immediately. Sadly, Twilight just didn’t have enough power left after helping with the Ursa Major to do very much, so she asked if Nashoba would mind giving her some time to recuperate. My pupper snorted derisively and said that she could lend Twilight some magic through tongue to tongue contact and Twilight balked hard. I laughed my arse off because I knew Nashoba was just fucking with her, but when Nashoba said she was being serious and licked my lover’s hand, Twilight's eyes grew wide and she looked at me like I was supposed to fucking do something about it. I asked Nashoba if she’d be willing to wait one more day for something she’s already waited years for and she said that she didn’t mind at all; she just liked messing with Twilight.

I gave Nashoba a hug and a tummy rub for her efforts, though she said that the Wolfmother wasn’t supposed to get tummy rubs from Two-Legs. I mentioned that the Matron of the fucking Everfree probably wasn’t supposed to get dicked down by something with enough Dark Magic to outright level a town. Granted, I didn’t have a dick for the sexual healing, but my point still stands. Nashoba conceded to my point and Twilight offered to cast and anti-pregnancy spell on her if she didn’t want to wait for the next day. Nashoba’s ears perked up and her tail started wagging, so Twilight took that as a yes and cast her spell, though Nashoba still wanted her to turn herself and Krel into Two-Legs for a day so they could try it for fun.

Once Twilight had her spell cast, we decided to go in and visit Fluttershy since the Sun was still setting. It was probably around eight or something, so when we knocked, I wasn’t really all that surprised to find that she didn’t answer the door. I figured she was either masturbating or fucking Applejack, so I warned Twilight against just walking in and we went back to the Treebrary for some much needed rest. I still had my satchel with the fruits and my journal tucked away inside, so I snuggled up with Twilight and started writing about the day’s events. Shit was actually pretty interesting to read through, and since Twilight is reading as I write, I can’t help but feel like she’s expecting me to add something in that I’m forgetting. Eh.

Spike made some dinner when we finally got back home and I asked how his day went. He shrugged and said it was pretty good, though Macintosh had seen Apple Bloom give her a kiss on the lips and now he wasn’t sure if he was still allowed over at Sweet Apple Acres. Macintosh had just told him to ‘Get lost real quick’, so he took that as a no. I figured I might have to run interference if I didn’t want the guy to get hurt, but Spike said that he would handle it like a man and talk things out with Macintosh if things came to that.

Other than that, shit was pretty boring in town, but I can’t help but wonder why this Discord guy is starting bullshit. I mean, if he’s an immortal fuckboy, that would be one thing, although it feels like he’s more like Ares with his history. Twilight just told me that Discord is basically strife personified, so I explained that Ares was pretty much the same damn thing, but a lot less pleasant. With that being said, I’m really hoping that Uror was straight up wrong about The War, otherwise, we’re all completely fucked.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My morning was fucking great. I woke up to Twilight sucking me off, she’d already made coffee, and Spike slept in long enough for me to return the favour with a little extra on top. Breakfast was simple with scrambled eggs and crepes with preserves and fresh blackberries, and there was plenty to go around. Twilight and I traded some clothes to keep at our respective residences, though she made me go shopping so we could have more variety depending on where we were. We usually just did whatever when it came to wearing what we left at the other’s house, so it was nice to have a few extra things, I guess.

Twilight took my crap back to her house and I did the same with hers. We decided that we would sleep alone tonight, though neither of us really wanted to. I was alright with it, but that did mean that I was going to have to find something to do with my day. The first thing that came to mind was abusing the Son of Sinbad, so I took it into my shed, brought my matches along with me, and focused on filling my workshop with smoke. I hadn't ever actually used the place, so I was hoping to find a reason to use some of the things I had in there through the power of super smoking. I basically just got lit and started whittling. I made a half decent looking cartoon Pony since they seemed to be a good muse for me, but it was still pretty bad. I decided to give it another go, and a few hours later, I’d blown my entire morning on making a miniature Twilight. It had taken some doing to get the details right, but the legs looked even enough and the hooves were flat, so that was good in my books. There was still room for improvement, but with the menagerie of tools I had at my disposal, I figured I could make the next one even better.

Just as I was deciding on who I would make next, I heard heavy footsteps coming from a decent distance away. I wasn’t trying to stab anything when my day was going so well, so I listened carefully and heard that one set of footsteps was carrying along lightly while the other was pretty much just lumbering along for the ride. It clicked that I might be looking for Nashoba and Krel, so I poked my head out of my shop and was proven correct. I gave my attention to Krel first because I felt like it and noticed that the clothes he was wearing seemed a little small on him, though that was probably just because he’d retained a lot of his fur for the transformation. Still, it was a little strange to see someone bigger than Onyx just walking around like he owned the place. I got a good look at his face and realized that, while he had fingers and a more Human face, he’d kept the pointed teeth. He still had a muzzle, but it wasn’t elongated, so it wasn’t like someone had just put a bear on its hind legs and trimmed the fat.

I turned my eyes to Lupa and I wasn’t all that surprised to find that her eyes were still the same intelligent blue they’d been. I was sure that if she was more Pony/Human-like that she would be quite the looker, but as it was, the muzzle ruined the effect, though the rest of her was pretty nice. She obviously wasn't wearing a bra of any kind and it showed since she had some fucking knockers on her, though I was pretty sure that she didn’t have extra nipples in this form. I wasn’t trying to pay that much attention, so I addressed her before I could get creepy.

“Wotcher. You two want to head inside?” I asked.

Nashoba nodded. “I want you to teach Krel how to last. I want to enjoy this.”

I raised a brow and looked at him. “Get off once and don’t stop. Go until your dick hurts.”

Krel snorted. “Is that all the advice you have?”

“It’s the only shit I know will work for your furry arse. I’d show you a cock ring or two, but I have no idea how it’ll go beyond that.” I replied.

Krel nudged Nashoba. “I thought you said he was an expert.”

She shrugged lopsidedly. “It’s solid advice.” She grabbed him by the hand and I watched for a little bit before going back to what I was doing, giving it my full attention.

Seriously, who wants to think of their sister getting nailed?

With that being said, I decided to make a mini Celestia since I had a pretty decent idea of what she’d look like as a four legged cartoon Pony, so I got started with a block of wood and got the rough shape chiseled out before I took a fine rasp and carefully started doing things. I don’t know why I like woodworking or why I don’t completely suck at it, but the way the wood grain flows just makes sense to me in a certain way and I find it to be very therapeutic. A few hours later, I’d burned up most of my daylight, so I flipped on the magical light in my shop and continued working on Celestia’s mane. Once I had it just right, I held up my masterpiece and resolved to send it to her if I didn’t her sex noises the second I walked inside.

I walked inside. I heard sex noises. It’s my fucking house, so I grabbed my satchel and went to my study to write a note to Celestia before tying it around the pony I’d made. Sadly, it was just a bit too wide to fit through the top, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that the gout of flame claimed it anyway. A few minutes later, Celestia asked what it was and I told her that it was a physical form of one of my hallucinations, but specifically of her as one of them. She thanked me and asked how long it had taken me to make, so I was honest with her and she thanked me again. With that in mind, I went back downstairs and heard no more sex noises, so I just went outside and grabbed the tiny Twilight I’d made.

I sent that one off to the proper recipient and told her that it was the first good one I’d made. Twilight sent me back a note with a lipstick kiss on it, though I wasn’t sure if I’d been aware of Twilight even owning lipstick. She never wore make-up, which had plenty to do with why I considered her to be beautiful beyond all others. Hell, even Applejack used lip gloss, but I’d never known Twilight to use any at all. That made me wonder if I should spend the next day with her, but a note from Fleur told me that I needed to get to Canterlot tomorrow for her party. I told her that I would attend and that I’d see if Twilight still wanted to go.

A few notes and the promise of the best tummy rub yet saw Twilight agreeing to go with me. It was an added plus that she would get the chance to see her parents at the party, but I couldn't really tell her that I wanted something in return for giving her an opportunity to see her parents again. I hoped that she would do something nice for me in any case, but I figured that getting my hopes up wouldn’t be terribly good for either of us, so I chopped them down at the knees and tickled its pickle just enough to bring it to half mast so I could chop that off too. Hope has no place in my realm.

Trixie came by as the Sun was getting real low in the sky for some comfort. She’d had another date with Orchid and things had just gone badly. She’d flubbed her order at Le Smelle and ended up ordering something completely different than what she’d asked for, the waiter had spilled wine on her and it seemed like it had been on purpose, Orchid was being distant, and Trixie was starting to worry about whether or not she was actually interested or if the fact that I’d been the one to hook them up had something to do with it. I felt kinda bad since I was the one who set them up in the first place, so I just sat there and tried to muddle through Trixie’s words as best I could, though I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of things due to her rapid pacing. It was a little brutal to say the least, but I tried my best to follow along and by the end of it, Trixie was near tears, so I had to address her fears one by one and assuage them before moving onto the Orchid thing. I told her that Orchid may have been upset with the waiter or something for spilling wine on her, and my main advice was to wait a little bit and to ask her what was wrong if the problems persisted. I figured she should ask sooner rather than later. My sister left with her head held a little higher and said that Blue had given her similar advice. Great minds think alike and all that.

With nothing else to do for the day, I started writing more of Midnight Stroll and the Bewildering Broach, but I ended up finishing it. I wasn’t quite ready for it to end, but it seemed like it had taken its natural course, so after that, I went outside, grabbed SoS and got really high before writing out my journals. Things might be a bit wonky here and there, but I figured everything should be okay. For now, get your fucking nose out of my book and go do something. Yes, I’m talking to you, Twilight. If you’re not Twilight, then wait three seconds.

Two.

One.

Knife in the ribs!

How’d that feel, arsehole?

Author's Notes:

So this chapter was a bit of a bitch. I don't like writing along with the show, but I fucked myself and had mild writer's block, so I ended up doing the thing I didn't want to do. Still, reading through it tells me that it came out as better than bad. That makes me feel like less of a shit head.

I have nothing else to say at the moment. You know the usual shit to do at this point.

As Always, Avoid The Sex Noises.

Stay Cool, Kids.