A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

by Ringtael

First published 25th of February, 2015

A Thief with a heart of a substance better left unsaid wakes up in Equestria after a unlucky turn of events. How will a jaded, world weary human get along with cheery, naive Ponies?

Life is seldom fair, though Kaid Gadai could hardly care less about whether Pauper Paul got the same meal as Wealthy Walter. He's got his own problems. Work is hard to find when you've been homeless for nearly half your life, and even then crime tends to pay just a little bit better.

Jaded, world-weary, and as sarcastic as any of his kinsmen, Kaid struggles to build the foundations of a better life, each day bringing him closer and closer to leaving thieving behind. However, a daylight run, a crooked cop, a nasty plot, and plain old bad luck change up Kaid's life, resulting in a jarring change of scenery.

Can a paranoid, bitter young man learn how to redeem himself in a near utopian society, or will he crumble in the face of a lifestyle he was unprepared for? It all depends on adaptation and not cursing up a storm while doing it.

(Props to my editor AficionadoAvacado and the part timers, Tenth and J_I_M_S.)

(A/N: So this was the first story I ever tried writing for fun, and it turned into a therapy piece by and large. That being said, the first 1-73 chapters are all how I wrote when I was still finding my style and trying to get my groove as an author. I'd like to think I'm a little further along these days. Rewrites are posted after Chapter Seventy-Three starting from Re: Chapter One. The OG: Chapters are decent, but I'm actually pretty content with the Re: Chapters. Make of that what you will; the Re: Chapters aren't that close to being done as of 6/17/20, but Re: 25 is on the way.)

[Canon Update: Whichever path you choose is canon, but I consider the Rewrites the story I want to tell. IF you choose the Originals, then MBK, PTP, and Redux are all canon. If not, then they in turn are not.]

Props To My Editors: AficionadoAvacado and Tenth.

Coverart by some Russian Guy I don't have a link for uwu

See Max again in A Thief's Tale: The Path to Penance and in My Brother's Keeper As well as the Alt-Universe edition Redux

[This story is also posted to Royal Road and Wattpad with all rewrites included, stroking every original chapter as I go along]

OG:) Chapter One

“Fuck!” I shouted, the hard cobblestone of Garland Market making itself known to my spine in all the wrong ways. I didn’t stay down long, however, since that would have been some kind of fucking stupid.

“Oi!” An elderly prick called from the window I’d just dived out of. “Get that little rat! Little fucker stole me wife’s pendant!”

In my defense, they really should have locked the second story window if they didn’t want me coming into their house, but that’s not terribly important. I scrambled to my feet and made a mad dash to get myself out of the danger zone and into my usual safehouse since it was usually a twenty minute trip by foot, but I cut it down to less than half that time by not giving two shits about the people I shoved out of my way whenever I needed them to move. I’d lie and say I didn't dive for wallets while I did it, but that’s just ridiculous.

I kept up my light sprint until I hit my safehouse; an old, abandoned Catholic church. I found it hilarious that I’d sinned multiple times in the house of God by using bible pages as tissues and by shagging the odd tart who wasn’t all there in the head. That might say something about the company I keep, but it’s not like I’ve ever been a goody-two-shoes type anyway. As I stowed my bounties in my usual hidey hole, I took a few minutes to sit and relax since the bullshit job had gone exactly as I expected it to. None of my old crew, the Stealy Wheelies, could have ever even hoped to get as far as I did with as few permanent injuries as I managed to get away with. Sometimes being the best is hard. No one in their right fucking mind asks for a daylight stroll, but that’s what my client wanted. I thought it’d be worth the hundred quid bonus, though something about it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Without much else to do, I checked my shitty little flip phone and saw that sunset probably wasn’t too far away. I was supposed to take the pendant my client wanted to him at midnight, so I figured that I’d go for a walk and see what all I could see. I was pretty sure that the Grisham Boys never actually ever got more than twenty feet away from the Rubber Dutchman during my usual active hours, and old Sketchy Sammy was probably weaving another string of information into her network of contacts. I considered calling Micheal, my old watchdog, to go and grab a few drinks, but I really just wanted a few shots of rum to honor my brother and a few glasses of bourbon to make me miss him a little less.

I sighed and got my ass into gear before I could start reminiscing for too much, but when I got back into town, I decided to just head over to my usual liquor shoppe instead of heading to the pub. Rum tends to be more expensive than bourbon in Wiltshire, so I only bought a couple of double shot bottles of the stuff while I got a fifth of some cheap, effective bourbon. The taste wasn’t the best, but the burn was rough and I tend to like my shit strong enough to add more hair to your chest. Donnie, the clerk, promised to take the extra bottle of rum I’d bought to Maxwell’s grave since I didn’t know where it was. I should’ve known, and I still should, but I never could bring myself to say goodbye to the only real family I remember having.

My day was some kind of fucked as I strolled around the alleys, ducking into the odd alcove or just leaning against a wall for a little bit to help me feel a little better. It’s only been a couple of years since I lost my brother, but it’s almost been a decade since my parents (Not Max’s. We’re not related by the waters of the womb) and I still can’t bring myself to mourn those fools. I still kept my father’s wedding band and wore it on a leather cord around my neck since my old man had some mastodonian hands, and I still have the black ribbon my egg-donor gave me before she croaked. The ribbon was more of a tool for her than an accessory, but when you’re a junkie, I guess anything that does the trick does just that.

I tied my hair back with the ribbon and got out of the alleys since the Sun was lowering rapidly, which is when you tend to get rolled. I might not be the biggest fellow out there seeing as how I barely managed to get to a hundred and seventy-seven centimeters, which I think would be around five-eight or five-seven in Imperial measurements. It’s not like I don’t know them, it’s just that the metric system is the best system, goddammit! It doesn’t help that I barely weigh sixty-five kilos on a day where I’ve been choking down whatever I could get my hands on at one of the buffets in town.

I had to cut through a few more alleys to get to the west side of town again, and once I got to my safehouse, I cracked open my bottle of bourbon and got my buzz on for a few hours until my client was due message me on the burner that I made all of my clients go through. My flip phone might have been basic as fuck, but it got the job done, and smartphones generally aren’t worth the extra money anyway unless you’re using one to get slaws on Snapchat, Instagram, or whatever other piece of social media that the hoi polloi can spend their time on. Speaking of time, when the day rolled over and two a.m. passed by, I called it a night and retired to the dilapidated office that still kept some of its insulation over the years. I had a hammock in there, a few solar powered lanterns that I charged in the mornings, and more solar batteries that you could shake a stick at. With the night ready to be ended, I tossed another blanket into my hammock since it was pretty cold, and it’s not like I had anywhere else to go or anything.

… I don’t know what the Hell I’m doing. I guess this is where I should just add a page break or something and pick up with the bullshit yesterday held… Then again, I should probably write about who I actually am, just in case I lose my mind or some shit. To make it plain, the name’s Gadai. Kaid Gadai. Stirred, not shaken. Just for the record. I’ve always been on the slim side, despite me trying to put on some weight so I don’t get fucked with nearly as often. Shit’s just not meant to be, but I can try, right? Let’s see… Well, if you haven't guessed by now, amnesiac Kaid, then let me write down that I’m a thief. It’s my job. I file taxes on the shit I steal. No kidding.

Okay, I was kidding. I’m actually so far down on the totem pole that I’m practically invisible. If I was stone-cold or a slitter type instead of a plucker, I’d be a force to be reckoned with, but I’m not really all that into hurting people for money. Vindication? Cool. Personal affront? Go for it. Someone’s paying to have Average Joe killed because he didn’t pay back a debt? Nah, I’m all kinds of good on that. Gotta go fuck someone up for playing it by the book? Nope, no can do. I might be a guttersnipe, but I’m a guttersnipe with morals. No killing, no rolling, no thuggery. I was content with my place as a thief, and with the thousands of pounds I had saved up in my bank, I was well on my way to getting back into school so I could stop being complacent with being homeless, jobless, and most days, friendless.

To be honest, I don’t care where I lay my head, but I want a real job with a steady wage and I’d like to have a few buddies to hang out with that wouldn’t try to pass me powder or roll me, both of which are commonplace in my little slice of Heaven. No, I preferred to keep to myself most days unless I was on the hunt for a nice girl with a nicer arse, but that’s neither here nor there at this point.

Okay, that reads pretty well to me. I mean, I think it’d jumpstart my memory, if nothing else so far would have. Hopefully the normal parts of this don’t remind me too much of the crazy bullshit going on when I go back over it.

I woke up the next morning and grabbed a change of clothes before heading to the shelter so I could catch a quick shower, though Doris, one of the women who stay and work at the shelter for a living to keep off the streets, tried to get me to stay again. I know that the woman has the best intentions at heart, but Doris only blew into town a two, maybe two and a half years ago. Back when my egg-donor died seven years ago, I came to the shelter first because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I almost got raped twice in one day by two different adults who knew they’d get away with it, but when your own mother burns ice and starts trying to kill you in fits of psychosis, you tend to get good at giving people the slip. It never hurt that I’ve always been light on my feet, and it’s probably a bad thing, but paranoia has kept me alive so far. Those two things got me out of the shelter in the middle of the afternoon, and when the second creep came after me, it got me out at three in the morning. Ever since then I’ve refused to go back for more than necessary hygiene or a bite to eat at night.

Once I was good to get my day started, I left the shelter and hoped that a client would come by and have a word since I was wearing a green shirt, which meant that I was looking for work. It’s something that a lot of thieves do, wearing solid green shirts, that is. My favourite jacket wasn’t green, but it was too cold to go without it, so I had to hope that the thirty quid in my wallet would last until I could get a decent mark. I mean, I had three hundred pounds and some change at the church, though I generally try to save what I get from picking pockets for emergencies.

I got lost in thought for a little while as I walked, but the impact from something or other smashing into my elbow made me hiss and jolt away. “Oi! You fucking wanker piece a’ shit!” I whirled around and saw Officer Oscar, one of the sleaziest fucks around town.

Oscar gave me a grin and hit his palm with his billy-club a couple times as he chuckled like the cock he was. Fat bastard. “‘Ello ‘ello, Klepto Kaid. Knew I had me the right orphan when I saw that jacket a’ yours.”

I glared at him. “You forget to call or something?”

“Is it in the drop spot?” Oscar asked quietly.

“Yeah, it’s all kosher. Pay me.” I demanded.

“Ah, ah, ah! I can’t pay a criminal!” Oscar guffawed like he’d cracked the best of jokes.

“Pay me or I tell Graham about that eight year-old.” I said, my no-bullshit tone making m pissy client shut the fuck up.

Oscar grabbed his wallet and paid me four hundred quid. “Just takin’ the piss with ya, bruv. You know how it is.” He chuckled nervously, his pedophile mustache suiting him perfectly.

I gave her a bored look. “You were gonna stiff me and stick me. You know damn well that I have more dirt on the force than just about every other person in Wiltshire other than Sketchy Sam, so keep that in mind. The only reason we even do business is because it’s profitable.”

Oscar glowered at me. “Hands together. You’re under arrest, tosser.”

I gave him a dull look. “These power trips are super cute, babe.”

His face flushed and is third or fourth chin started wobbling like mad. “Shut up ya dozey git! We got shit to do!”

I let him fasten the handcuffs just like he did the last time, and yet again he made them tight enough to suck. “As much as I’m loving the cuffs, can we get a fuzzy blue set later?” I asked cheekily.

Oscar clubbed my back, but what he didn’t realize was that my favourite pair of boots were steel toes. One swift bicycle kick to the crotch later and I was waiting for Oscar’s face to turn from bright red back to a ruddy pinkish shade. “Fuckin’ little cock-swallowing cunt!” He mewled.

“Hit me again, Oscar. Fuckin’ test my patience.” I snarled.

He picked himself up off the ground. “That was a dirty move ya filthy animal!”

“You’re twice my size, and that’s an understatement you lard-blooded lout.” I replied flippantly, the sum of my respect for authority on the table then and there.

Oscar didn’t say shit since I started walking without him. Fat fuck needed the exercise any way since he couldn’t fit in the Rozzer Rollers anymore. Hell, the only reason that his morbid obesity hadn’t gotten him fired was because he had dirt on Graham. Shit was the only reason, and I made sure to remind Slop Suckler that the only things he was actually allowed to do was pick on the pluckers and taunt the cutthroats. I knew for a fact that Oscar’s days were numbered since he’d fucked up and made Slick Sagiano so pissed off that he cried because he was just that pissed. Slick’s not exactly dangerous, but his brother? Whole different story, and I was willing to bet that Oscar’s family was going to go missing too. It might sound cold of me to dismiss the death of his kids and poor hamplanet wife, but it wasn’t my problem. You don’t fuck with someone else’s business in Wiltshire unless you’re their partner. That’s it. You can let family handle your business, or you can let your crew do it, but you can’t let an associate or an acquaintance do much. That, and I hate Oscar. Guy’s a piece of shit, and like I said; his shit ain’t my fuckin’ problem.

We made it to the Cop-Shop without either of us getting hit again, and by the time Oscar got me sat down for ten minutes I was going to have to stay there for. There was a bald, mid-twenties looking White guy with SS tattoos, the odd swastika scrawled here and there, and a picture of a caucasian fist clutching a globe. He was the only guy present while I was there, so I decided to have a little fun.

“Oi, mate, what they get you for? “I asked conversationally.

The skinhead held up his hands, coated in dried blood. “Some darkie’s mutt kept shitting in my yard, so I skinned the fuckin’ mongrol in front of that N-”

“Oh no, fuckboy. You need to get the fuck over your superiority complex before you catch some BBC. Oh wait, that’s what all you Neo-Nazis like, right? Thick, meaty, black cock in your arse, right? I mean, with how much you little kids like to piss and measure how far you can get the stream to go, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were just tired of losing the dick-measuring contest.” I gave her a smile.

El Skinny nodded for a few seconds. “I’m about to break your face when I get outta here.”

“Swallow a load from your bull, twink. Keep yourself well fed and your hair might grow back.”

“Aight bruv, I’m killin’ you.”

“Catch me if you can, mutant. Your very genetics are so weak that they can be overruled by just about any different trait, you brown-eyed failure. You’re not even Aryan, mate! You’re a bastard Nazi!” I laughed my arse off as El Skinny struggled against the chains keeping him in place, trying to get to me. After he started getting especially belligerent, a couple of rozzers collected him and stuck him in the drunk tank so they didn’t have to hear him.

When my ten minutes were up and Oscar hadn't returned to collect me, an Indian fellow who smelled like curry (Surprise surprise) was seated where the skinhead had been. At least he smelled better than the odiferous Neo Nazi. That guy had his own place were he could bathe; I just assumed that Neo Nazis were incapable of functioning at full capacity since most of the ones I’d met were some special kind of spastic. I mean, you’ve got to be some kind of stupid to hate millions of people of the actions of a few, and you’ve got to be an actual retard to be racist without ever having met someone darker than a Nabisco cracker. I say that you lose the mental handicap when you come to your senses and realize that it’s literally impossible for a race to all act the same, have the same tastes, or perform the same actions. However, Curry Guy made me want to be racist.

“‘Ello Gov-nah!” He said in one of the thickest Indian accents I’d ever heard.

I gave him a look. “When’s the last time you actually heard a Brit say that shit, mate?”

“Pip pip, cheerio!” He gave me a shit-eating grin.

I returned it. “Where’s your mother, buddy? Got any sisters left in your open-street-shitting piss-pot hellhole godforsaken land of the damned? I bet they’re getting raped right now and there’s not a thing you can do about it because you’re here with me.”

Curry Guy shut his fucking mouth.

“That’s what I thought, Dasa.”

“... Do not call an Indian that word, my friend.”

“You’re the first to give me a reason to, mate. I think we ought to let there be silence.” I replied calmly.

“Silence is good.” Curry Guy said, sounding somewhat pissed. Not enough to bring out his magic rice and curry powder, but he was still salty.

Thirty more minutes passed as I fucked around in general, making faces at people, hitting on male cops, asking for measurements from the lady ones, and generally just making an ass of myself. I had a few cops stop by and ask me how I was doing and I gave them the same amount of respect they gave me, so it usually turned out okay. I knew a few of the younger cops from school and a few of the older ones from my childhood, so the Wiltshire Constabulary knew me pretty well. Still haven't had a charge stick, though.

While I was talking to Rooney, an older fellow that transferred in from Amesbury because his wife wanted to move closer to her parents, Oscar waddled his way over to us, and it was easy to see the contempt in Rooney’s eyes when he knew Oscar wasn’t looking. For as much as the Scot pretends to be a Brit, he’s Fat Bastard, and I know for a fact that the nickname isn’t limited to just the underground affairs in Wiltshire. RMS (Rapist Molester Shitstain) Titanic hit an invisible iceberg and stopped long enough to unchain my cuffs from the bench so he could lead me to a place that was not the great outdoors.

“Oi!” I whispered fiercely. “We’re going the wrong way, Oscar!”

He gave me a crooked, snaggletoothed smirk. “Didn’t know ya went stone cold, Kaid. Glad to know I just brought in a serial killer.”

The blood drained from my face. “Aww fuck.” I breathed. “... I’m going to enjoy reading about you a week from now, Oscar. It’ll be a pleasure.”

Lardarse snorted. “Being nice won’t keep ya from this one, Kaid. Ya done screwed the pooch real good.”

“You know when you put it out there that you snagged a plucker for being a slitter, you’re going to get killed in front of our family, right? Savage still rules Wiltshire from Gollum, Fat Bastard. You’ve just stuck your foot in the grave.”

Oscar scoffed hard, but he was sweating bullets, and it wasn’t from the warmth of the room. “What? So you’re suddenly one a’ Savage’s boys?”

I gave him a look. “Savage still calls to hire me because I’m one of the best pluckers in the South, mate. I might be his gofer, but I’m damn good at what I do and he values Human Capital. You already know that he has Graham in his pocket, so…” I chuckled. “You’re a little fucked, mate.”

Oscar backhanded me in front of three of his fellow officers. “Fuckin’ oi! Oscar you fuckin’ worthless sack of cholestoral! That’s way the fuck outta line!” Roared Deputy Constable Lucille Wright. I bit back a smile because I knew that Lady Lucille had the clout to drop Oscar then and there, but then she said, “You know what? You’re fuckin’ done here! Badge, belt, baton. Now.”

It was so tasty to see Oscar’s face fall, and it was made even better by the fact that D.C.
Lucille was known for being a teetotaling, devout Christian with a sense of justice stronger than Earth’s gravitational pull. She was one of the good ones, which is why Oscar said, “L-Lucille! You gotta be takin’ the piss! This guy done massacred six a’ the most upstandin’-”

“Like a plucker is about to turn stone-cold, you fuckin’ spaz! That kid’s dodged charges like they were fuckin’ snails with battleaxes! I’ll prove that you set this little dumbarse up one way or another if you’re not dead before then.” She spat. “Now get your shit and give. It. To. Me. Do you need me to repeat it again? Have all of those chips and crisps you never stop eating lodged into your tiny fuckin’ brain?” Lucille growled.

Oscar was a special kind of salt ridden, living the Salt Life as he begrudgingly gave up the tools he’d been carrying for years. All over one little slip up in front of the wrong woman. Kek. When the Deputy had his shit, she passed it off to one of her subordinates. “Get those back to the Kit Cage, Williams. Cooper, escort shithead out. Kaid... “ She narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you a plucker or a slitter?”

“Hypothetically speaking, if we’re just talking about what I could actually deal with, then I’d have to be a plucker, Deputy. I don’t have the heart to kill someone on purpose.” I answered truthfully.

She nodded. “Wilin’ to take a polygraph on that one?”

“Yes Sir.” I responded dutifully.

“Do I look like a man to you, kid?” Lucille snarled.

“No Ma’am.”

“Do I sound like a proper fuckin’ lady to you?”

“... I know you won’t hit me for saying something stupid, but I’m not willing to risk it.” I said carefully.

She patted my cheek patronizingly and smirked at me. “Getting smarter by the day. Hopefully you’ll wisen up and get on the right side of the law one day.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her. “Sir slash Ma’am, mix those together, but anyway, I’m saving up so I can go to college so I can go do something with the life I got. Hypothetically speaking, if I were a plucker, then I could imagine myself getting tired of the lifestyle before I hit eighteen.”

Lucille shook her head. “You gonna tell me where your parents have been the past seven years?”

“Away.” I answered.

“You realize you can trust the cop who just fired the guy who’s been blackmailing you and beating you, right?” She asked irritably.

I glanced around us, and we had a few wandering eyes. “Deputy, I’m paranoid. You could always have eavesdroppers,” I paused for a second, “so if you want to talk, we can head to one of the interrogation rooms.” I ended quietly. “I owe you one, so you get three questions. I’ll answer them honestly as long as you’re not trying to honeypot me into a confession for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“I want two questions and a small favour.” She bargained.

“Three questions.”

“I can always leave you in a cell for a couple of days since you’re being charged.” She deadpanned.

“What was your first question again?”

She snorted in amusement and had me lead the way to one of the luxurious suites with cement walls, rigid chairs, and frigid a frigid table. I took the seat furthest from the door because I was pretty sure that I was supposed to. “Oi, do I need to chain you down for this?” She asked once I was seated.

“Nah, you’d kick my arse to Glasgow if I tried some shite. It’s not worth the broken bones.” I said, adequately conveying my feelings.

“Cheh,” It’s the noise she made, I swear, “keep that in mind. First question; who the blood fuck gave birth to you?”

I frowned. “Babs Grace and Kincaid Gadai.”

She nodded. “I remember Babel. We went to school together.”

“She must have been a real treat.” I spat bitterly.

Lucille levelled a lethal look at me for a moment before heading out of the room. She came back in seconds later, slamming the door behind her. “Your mother was the one who took my first time. If I could find her, I’d break the damn rules for that.”

My lip curled. “At least she was the only one in line.”

The Deputy sucked air in through her teeth. “I want to know where she is.”

“Since we have a common enemy, I’ll let that one work. My egg-donor died seven years ago. HIV turned to full blown AIDS that she got from sharing needles.”

“Was it slow?” Lucille asked, her voice unreadable.

I couldn’t help the little smile that formed on my face. “Second question right there, and Dep? It took her ten months to rot away. The last three weeks were fuckin’ great. Gangrene, staff, a few STDs and STI’s that she got from whoring herself out when I got good at bisecting cocks and ruining wombs, and the best part of the whole thing was when I gave her krokodil.”

Lucille cracked a little smile herself. “What’s that one?”

I felt like being nice since we were bonding. “It’s a heroin substitute. I managed to get my hands on some through means I’ll not disclose and told her it was heroin. The look of her face when she realized what I did? What I got all of those slimy junkie cock-sucking fucks with? Lucille, I can’t tell you how much I treasure that memory. It’s so incredibly wrong to hate the person who gave me life, but it was so good.”

“This stays between us, kiddo.” She said with grim satisfaction. “I can’t prove anythin’ anyway, but I can say that it takes somethin’ to get you to that point.”

I nodded. “I’ve yet to be pushed to that point a second time.”

“So you don’t think you killed your mother?”

I gave Lucille the dirtiest look I had. “Babs wasn’t a mother, and she was knocking on death’s door anyway. She was an egg-donor and happened to be the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen to date. Hell, Oscar is better than that whore.”

“Right. So what happened to your father?”

“He’s away.” I answered.

She rolled her eyes. “So we’re back to that bullshit?”

I shrugged. “You bartered for two questions and I gave you five.”

“Tch. And here I thought we shared a common enemy.”

“We do, it’s just that our common enemy is dead and I’m about to get lynched for some shit I don’t know about. What am I even being charged with right now?”

“Six counts of premeditated homicide.” Lucille said bluntly.

“... Fuck me.” I groaned. “Why the Hell would I kill six people? Actually, why the Hell am I a suspect in the first place? I don’t even live in town!”

Lucille gave me a flinty look. “We both know it’s a setup, kid. You got too much monotone postage on every dirty rozzer one way or another, and I’m willing to bet that’s why you’ve never had a charge stick.”

I raised a brow. “I’ve never had a charge stick because I’m an innocent kinda guy.”

“You’re fulla shi-” The door to the interrogation room was flung open with force and in strode the Chief himself; Alexander Graham.

Lucille snapped to attention. “Sir!”

Chief Graham gave her a passing glance. “You can leave now, Deputy.”

“Sir, I-”

“That was a pleasant dismissal. The next one has you checking alleys solo.” He said, his tone sub-zero.

Lucille gave me one last look and gave me the up-nod, but I couldn't return it since Graham was glaring at me. “... So… I’m pretty sure I’m being framed.” I said awkwardly.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Graham smirked. “It’s about time Oscar did something useful. Having him make you do a daylight run was priceless when it came to getting a warrant for your arrest.”

I inhaled slowly and let it out slowly. “I’ve never fucked with Fuzz, Chief. What’s this about?”

“Tying up a loose end is all.” He replied ominously. “Dr. Svikari. Your presence is needed.”

I gave Graham an odd look before a rail thin, rat faced man in a tacky Mod-Scene suit strolled in with a metallic looking briefcase. I got the fuck out of my chair and set into my ‘Flight’ stance rather than the ‘Fight’ one, but Graham, being over two meters tall and about eight stone heavier than me, just stood in front of the door while Rat Face opened up the briefcase, diverting his attention just long enough for me to make Flight fight. I figured I was probably about to die anyway, so I didn’t see the harm in adding a manslaughter charge to the set-up. I dove across the table and tackle the skinny fucker to the floor before jamming my thumbs into his eyes with intent to maim, my opposable digits perfect for the task of removing sight from the equation. I put all the weight I could behind my attempt at getting some semblance of vengeance for myself and succeeded handily. Heh. Handily.

Sadly. I didn’t get off of the screaming mimi before I felt a needle get jammed into my neck like I was a fucking pincushion, and whatever the fuck was in the syringe burned as it went it and felt like it was roasting me from the inside out. Rat Face and I screamed together for a little until Graham threw me off of him and into the table. I took a nasty knock to the noggin, which voided my utility payments immediately, so to speak. Either way, the lights were out.

I don’t know how long I was out, but I do know that my day was shit tier. It was officially worse than using Dedede in Smash Four, and it was looking like it was devolving rapidly into a fucking Magikarp worthy pile of whatever animal poo happens to be smelliest. My head was killing me, my spine felt stiffer than a fourteen year-old at the Playboy Mansion, and it hurt to look at the dank, morbid place I was inhabiting for the time being. The dim light overhead told me that there was no fucking way that I was still in the police station, and looking around the room made me want to not look at anything. Fear caressed my heart with its nails, leaving slight gouges in the soft flesh that made my chest hurt and my breathing quicken exponentially. I started hyperventilating when I thought of the wall of sexual objects and I knew I recognized one of those toys as a urethral probe. There was already a stockade, open and ready to receive its next victim. Panic mode was fully engaged and rational thought flew out of the window for a brief second as I considered biting my tongue off to save myself some pain and humiliation, but when I tried to open my mouth, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even wriggle around, and it wasn’t because of the multitude of straps holding me down.

I busied myself with looking at the ceiling, counting the tiles over and over again, praying to a God that I’d long since given up hope on, but Graham still strolled through the entrance to the room. He had the metal briefcase that Rat Face had placed on the table in the interrogation room, and yes I did over explain that just so I could rhyme. Deal with it. Graham smiled at me for a long time. I don’t know how long since there was no way of telling time in the room, and much to my dismay, Graham stopped standing in one place and went to go open the case on a table before lifting a syringe from its walls. The bastard had to be thirty centimeters long overall, and half of it was all needle. The glowing, swirling, silver and golden liquid inside of the syringe defied the laws of fluid dynamics which I’m not really familiar with to be fair, but when you’ve got the two liquids settling into vertical, horizontal, and diagonal lines. The fluids also crisscrossed and formed jagged, sharp looking shapes all in the span of fifteen or so seconds. That means everything I just described, not just the latter.

“Kaid, we have a problem. You see, Dr. Svrikari might be a blind fool, literally now, but he practiced his craft well. You just stole the eyes from one of the most brilliant minds on the face of the planet, but that’s not where our problem lies. No: you broke one of my toys. Svrikari was one of my favourite pieces to play and now we have to hope that he can have a transplant, which means you’re all mine and mine alone…” Graham chuckled darkly and approached me, but I was unable to move. “This little experiment is more important than you could ever know, and if you live through it, you’ll be the first man to… Well, if this works, then it just means you’ll be mine for a little bit longer than you bargained for.” He chuckled again and unbuckled the belt on his trousers.

Alexander Graham held the needle high and pressed the tip into my chest, slowly driving the tip of the needle deeper and deeper into me until he hit my heart, but I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t stop the tears, or even spit at the bastard when he started filling my heart with his weird, scientifico-magicka bullshit. It hurt more than the sedative going in, and… It… It got a lot worse. It got so much worse… I can handle it. If I keep saying it, it’ll be true. I don’t want to talk about what Graham did to me after he emptied the syringe. I don’t want to remember, but I can still feel the ache in my orifices, still feel the ways he peeled my-

Shit. No. I don’t want to write it down… It… It just never happened, okay?

I woke up in pain with my mind reeling and my mouth tasting like bile, but I was happy with where I was from the first inhalation. I was face down in moist dirt, all of my limbs were attached to me, and the pain was fading quickly as I rose, pushing myself up off of the ground so I could take stock of the memories I was repressing. They were being swallowed nicely along with all the others, and when I took a look around to see where the fuck I was, I realized that I was hot. That was more than a little weird because it had been winter when I last checked, and we were still going strong if memory serves me correctly. However, in the subtropical forest I found myself in, there was no sign of winter or her children. There were no tell tale signs of life either, so I got to my feet, checked myself one last time, and found that I was wearing my jacket again, my favourite pair of denim trousers, my boots were back along with my dirk and throwing knives, and I was wearing a blue shirt that I’d gotten rid of years ago because it had gotten too raggedy. Somehow it was now in decent condition, which told me that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Being a streetrat, first and foremost, meant that I had no survival skills like, at all. Thus, my first course of action was to head toward the sound of rushing water because I figured that it might lead me somewhere worth going. It wasn’t a long walk since the river
(I’d thought it was a stream at the time) was nearby, so I made my way over, and the first thing that surprised me was how… Well, I don’t know how to say that the water smelled like bottled water. It smelled pure and clean, like it was made to be consumed straight from the source, but I know far too well what’s in the Thames since I’ve seen a few body dumps while on a stroll, so I just had to deal with my thirst since there was nothing I could do about it.

Then a fucking massive, giant, enormous Goddamn river serpent just popped the fuck up out of the water like Leviathan and towered over me a toothy grin. I didn’t lose control of my bladder, but I may or may not had pooted a little bit in surprise. It’s not every day that a thirty meter long snake thing just rises out of the water you were thinking about drinking, dysentery be damned. The serpent rose from the water with a stretch of its tiny arms, which I assumed were vestigial since he was a fucking snakey snake.

“Ah goood mo~rning!” The twinkiest of twink voices called out to me.

I was pretty sure that it was coming from the thing in from of me. I didn’t know how to respond, so I said, “Wotcher, mate. Good morning to you too.”

The serpent tilted its head down and looked at me with something in its eyes that I’d just seen from Graham. Lust. “Well aren’t you just a cutie! Tell me, cutie pie; what’s a sweet little hairless ape like you doing running around near my river, hm?”

“Uh… Looking for a way to the closest town?” I tried anxiously, hoping that I wasn’t about to get turned into an onahole.

“Oh dear! That would have to be Ponyville, which you can find by following the river, dear monkey. Tell me, what’s your name?” The serpent batted it’s scaly eyelids at me like it was supposed to have eyelashes.

“... Name’s Max. Maximus, to be exact, but most people just call me Max.” I answered, stealing my brother’s name and mixing it with my favourite dead language. It just seemed like the right thing at the time since I didn’t want the thing knowing my real name. The thought didn’t seem like a wise idea.

“Maximus you say? What a wonderful name! Why, my own name, Stephen Magnet, seems to pale in comparison!”

“Yours sounds better to me, oddly enough. Want to trade?” I joked uneasily.

The same-sexual super serpent laughed in the most stereotypically annoying way. “If only we could! Tell me, little cutie, would you mind doing me a favour?”

“... Depends on what it is-” I hesitated to call him ‘mate’ again, just in case he thought I was coming onto him, so I just cut myself off.

Stephen beamed with his not really all that scary teeth. “I was just hoping that you could deliver a present to a friend of mine. Of course, I’d be willing to do you a favour in turn, like getting you to Ponyville.” He wiggled his brows. “Ah? Ah? Does that sound like a good trade?”

I didn’t know what the fuck or where the fuck Ponyville was supposed to be, but it sounded kind of American, though I assumed that because Magnet sounded American. “Sure. I’ll do my best to hold up my end of the bargain. Never let it be said that K- Maximus doesn’t do his part.”

Magnet gave me a dirty look. “Were you about to say something else there, little monkey?

“Do you know what ‘Kid Wonder’ means?” I asked, covering my tracks.

“Ah, I do! So you’re a bit of a braggart, are you?” Fagnet- Magnet’s skepticism was cast aside like the shell of a hardboiled reptilian egg.

“A little bit. What do you want me to deliver, Stephen Magnet?”

“One moment, please.” He dove underneath the water like I wished that I could and
came back up with a shitty golden crown. I could tell that it wasn’t pure just by looking at it, and the construction was kinda sub par. The gold alone was the only thing valuable about it; not the styling. “This is a gift for my dear friend, Miss Rarity of the Carousel Boutique. If you would be so kind as to take this to her for me, then I would greatly appreciate it.”

“Consider it done. It nothing else, I’ll consider it payment for not eating me.” I chuckled nervously.

Stephen rolled his eyes hard. “Do you even know how bad red meat is for my scales? I wouldn’t eat you if you paid me to, cutie pie.

I breathed a sigh of relief and had myself a little chuckle up until I got swept off of my feet and got thrown through the air for a second or two which sound a lot like ‘Shitting fuck!’, but then I landed softly onto Magnet’s head.

“Skittish, aren’t we?” He commented cheerfully.

“Oi! That was terrifying you oversized skink!” I protested, making my voice sound more playful that scared.

I thought I did terribly, but Magnet bought it. “Ah, oh well. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride as long as I don’t drop you.”

And Stephen Magnet did not drop me, not even when we got to the edge of the forest after a couple of hours. We’d chatted about our lives for a little bit, but it’s not like it was terribly educational. “Thanks for the lift, bruv. I really appreciate it, but can you tell me where I am? Like, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my mind and I’m just gonna roll with it, but where am I?”

Stephen let me hop off of his head before answering. “Why, just outside of Ponyville in the lovely country of Equestria! You’re not too far from Sadelle, Cloppings, or if you’re truly lost, you can take the train from Ponyville and get to Canterlot. The junction at Canterlot can take you back home, wherever that may be.”

“... I’ve never heard of any of those shitty horse puns, bruv.” I said slowly.

Magnet tilted his colossal head and made a questioning noise. “You’ve never even heard of them? Where are you from, new little friend?”

I took a moment to be thunderstruck. “... I’m from a planet called Earth or Terra.”

“Earthorterra?”

“The names are separate, and I need a lie down for a spell.” I sat down on the riverbank numbly, crossing my legs and folding my hands.

Magnet came a little closer. “Are you okay, Max?”

“... I will be. I will be.” I said, the first loud enough for Magnet, the second one to console myself.

“... I’m terribly sorry to say that I don’t know how to help you my friend. If you truly aren’t from Equus, then I can only hope that you find your place once more.”

“Thanks, bruv. I’ll figure something out.” I said, my resolve firming up as my generally adaptable nature slapped my arse cheeks at the same time to put some pep in my step. “I’m not about to let this shit get to me, so I gotta take it in stride, right? One foot in front of the other until I make it to where I wanna go!” I ended by laying on the ground so I could kip up.

“That’s the spirit, Maximus! Onward and upward!” Magnet cheered.

“Oi, thanks for the help again, Magnet. I’ll have to see if I can be friends with your Rarity so we can come back and visit sometime.”

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be happy to add another friend to her circle! Really, if you do meet Rarity, you’ll have to have her introduce you to her friends. They’re all perfectly cute for being feminine, but the important part is that they’re generally pleasant.”

“Are they all tarts?”

“Does that mean fillies or mares?”

“... Mate. Please tell me that those girls kinda sorta look like me.”

Stephen gave me an odd look. “If you’d hurry up, you’d be able to see for yourself.”

“Right. Just head towards the town over there, right?” I asked, pointing at the distant, surprisingly vibrant place. It looked like it would take a fair amount of time to get there.

“Yep! Oh, and before you go, do remember to stay out of the Everfree from now on. Miss Rarity will take you to our usual meeting place, so don’t feel obligated to make the hazardous trek just to see little old me.”

“I’ll be sure to ask about it. I’ll be seeing you, bruv.”

“What does that mean? Bruv, that is.”

“Ah, it’s shorthand for ‘Brother’ or ‘Bro’, but it’s more of a British or an English thing. Mate means ‘Friend’, though it’s usually for guys.”

“Oh. What does tart mean?”

“It’s usually a word for a pretty girl.”

“Ah. I don’t believe I’ve heard the term ‘girl’ used for a female before.”

“I’m sure you haven’t heard ‘boy’ for a male yet then.” I sighed.

“Onward and upward my friend.” Stephen repeated comfortingly.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Damn straight, bruv. Keep calm and carry on like a wayward son.”

“That’s an inside joke, no?”

“Yeah, kinda. It’s going to suck now that all of my references are meaningless.” I grumbled irritably. “Bullshit new planet.” I shuddered for a second before I got a grip. “Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you, tall, dark, and friendly. If I can, I’ll have to see if we can get you drunk.”

“Drunk?”

I grinned at him deviously. “You’ll see. It’ll be a great time.”

He gave me another smile. “If you say so.”

With that, I was off. There weren’t many trees blocking my view of the town, but it was still pretty far away, so I figured that I might as well lengthen my strides a bit as I tend to do when I want to get somewhere fast and not appear like I’m trying. I was making some pretty good headway and broke the treeline after picking up a nice walking stick that was definitely hardwood, but was surprisingly light for being random deadfall. It was a good stick, if my stick judging skills are anything to go by. I don’t know a damn thing about wood other than the fact that you can make shit with it, so take my opinion with a tablespoon of salt under an ice cube.

When I got out of the actual woods instead of the pseudo-jungle that I’d previously occupied, I scoped out the town with a frown on my face. I already missed the greys and earth tones that covered Wiltshire and most of the surrounding towns just from looking at the horribly colourful place. The town looked like it had been doused in Rainbow Brite’s diarrhea or like a Leprechaun made the place his permanent home ender the rainbow and sapped the colour from the natural phenomenon. Yes, rainbows are literally just light reflecting off of water and dust in the air, but the Aurora Borealis has been explained too and the shit’s still cool to look at.

While I was taking in the slight hills and generally flat environment, I wondered where in the bloodiest of fucks I’d just ended up, even though Magnet had told me exactly where I was. I shook my head to clear it since I was hearing this shrill whistling noise that I assumed was cognitive dissonance, but then I turned my head to the right and just barely saw a light blue blur before it slammed into me.

OG:) Chapter Two: Life in Technicolor

As one might imagine, I was a little pissed off about getting rushed by a blue whatever-the-fuck, but I was especially pissed since I lost my new favourite stick and got sent hurtling across open land, getting grass stains all over my Goddamn clothes and generally just getting it in the everywhere by the bony bullshit bitch that tried to break my butt. I was a special kind of salty when we stopped sliding, but that had taken a few seconds and whoever hit me was practically riding on my chest and stomach like I was a fucking boogie board or some shit.

When we actually stopped I opened my eyes and glared p at the blue-skinned cunt that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I’ve ever experienced. “Whoa, dude! Are you okay?”

“Fuggin’ gerrof!” I grunted.

She got off with and said, “Tch. Don’t have to be a jerk about it, dude.”

“You fuckin’ blue ditch rat! The fuck did you tackle me for!? Seriously!?” I outraged, getting to my feet, pissed to all Hell.

“I didn’t do it on purpose! You should have gotten out of the way!” The bitch barked back.

“Woman- You gotta be takin’ the piss right now. You’re telling me that you were running and couldn't stop? On flat ground? Like, do your legs work?” I asked, being as demeaning as I could.

Her face flushed and she spread her wings. “I was flying, dumbass.”

I gaped. “Holy shit-” I glanced up at the top of her head and saw two horse-like ears. “Holy shit! What the fuck are you?”

“What the fuck am I? What the fuck are you? I’ve never seen a Pony with a coat as patchy and weird-colored as yours, and where are your ears, dude?”

I tilted my head and tapped one. “In the normal place for a Human’s ear to be, which is not the top of your head. My God, I’m either talking to a freak of nature, an alien, or some eldritc magic shit… I need a fuckin drink.” I groaned.

“Tch. Maybe if you were a little less douchey, I’d buy you one.” The twat said flatly.

“It’d be a start on that apology. Honestly, were you just pulling out of a suicide dive or something?” I asked irritably.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about dude? I’m chill, I’m just a little irritated about you ripping me a new one. There’s-”

“Nah, nah, you got it all wrong. I wasn’t calling you suicidal; I was asking if you were trying to get as close to the ground as possible without pulling up until the last possible second.”

“Oh. Nah, wasn’t doing that either. I was trying to ace a triple-corkscrew loop-de-loop backward-flash-dive. It would’ve worked out if some random thermal hadn't caught my wing and made me flun my last rotation in my last loop.” She grumbled bitterly.

“Right. So are you actually going to apologize, or am I going to have to stick a fist up your arse?” I asked testily. The blue, rainbow-haired bull-dagger looking tough-girl wasn’t exactly my type, so I wasn’t exactly feeling the love.

“Well sor~ry Mr. Whineypants. Gosh, get over yourself.” She snorted.

I hocked a loogie and spit it on the weird circular shoe she was wearing. “Fucking horse-beast. Stay the fuck away from-” She threw a punch at me that was actually pretty decent as far as scrapper types go. Sadly (And thankfully, I guess), I’d dodged faster punches from far heavier thugs in my twenty years, so I avoided getting it by Rainbow by using Dark Souls tactics on her and circle strafing while never letting her get too used to me being at a certain distance. She tried turning to face me every time, but apparently the horse-people weren’t exactly nimble of foot, or rather, fleethoofed. I figured that she’s probably be faster than me on foot since horse stamina and flying, so I started backing my way toward town.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired chick, but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall, so with that, I beat feat like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I’m inside so… You know wat? I’m just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I left the blue bitch where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers, and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall, give or take. It would’ve reflected poorly on me if I’d up and stomped her face in, so I let it go and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down.

Once I’d gotten my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I actually saw the blue bitch talking animatedly to some orange Pony with an American cowboy hat and blonde hair. I took a moment to look at the fucking tail she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing, she had a bubble butt that I would have loved to get a handful of, but I didn’t let my eyes linger too long and kept walking around since I didn’t have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and the woman gave me an odd look. “Sweetheart, why wouldn’t you be allowed in?”

I shrugged. “Where I’m from, you only go to the Courthouse if you’re in trouble or someone you know is.”

The woman gave me a questioning look. “Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct.” You’ve never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you?

“Neither, actually. I’m from Swindon, England.” I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart.

“Oh? I’ve never heard of England.” She said. “It’s not like I look at atlas’ all day, though.”

“Eh, it’s probably not on any map you’ll find here. It was nice meeting you Miss…?”

“I’m the local Milk Mare, Milky Way.” The blue haired woman said pleasantly.

I extended a hand and she shook it. “Name’s Maximus, but most people I like call me Max.” I gave her a little smirk.

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn’t be able to reach. I’m not even a breast man, but the poor ‘mare’s’ massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at least. “That’s a unique name. I’d love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run.” She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy smile. “It’s been a pleasure, Milky Way.”

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. “Oh please, Milky will do just fine.”

“Milky then. I hope our paths cross again.” And I hope you make the milk.

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn’t end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info on the world I found myself placed on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named Twilight Sparkle to visit, so I got to stepping, but after awhile, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a rare moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. “... Hey Pops… Know it’s been a few years since I tried, but… I’m lost right now, Pops. I don’t know what I’m doing here. Got no food, no cash, no place to sleep.. Startin’ at rock bottom all over again-” I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I forced myself to come to terms with it, just like I had when I’d lost him. “I don’t know if you’re still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Adiuva me, pater. I need you now more than ever.” I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip.

Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I’d seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about, going between shops and stalls, but I wasn’t necessarily interested in ‘shopping’, so I went around and plied my trade. Tax me, faggot; it’s all under the table. Scoping marks had never been easier since the few people who weren’t pulling coins out of their hair (Yes, I’m not shitting you. That shit seriously happened dozens of times) were wearing actual coin purses that seemed fit to burst. The best thing about it? I’d checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible marks, and when I loitered around a little, I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step sister’s cameltoe. Why your step mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking you creep.

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it’s a last resort kind of deal, and as I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, “Sorry! Wasn’t watching where I was going!”

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he just didn’t know. I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise, I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I’d thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn’t doubt that the coin either said ‘For Peace and Harmony’ or ‘Tor Bæue Kænog’, shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones, so that was nice, but I didn’t know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't have many places to hide the purses, so I stuffed them into the coat of my jacket and got to stepping all over again.

I was feeling a little more confident since I was sure that I’d just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as he Golden Oak Library. I don’t know what kind of tree it actually was, but it sure as fuck wasn’t an oak. It honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I’m not exactly and arborist or anything. I just read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don’t have electricity. Anyway, even if the tree wasn’t an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin’ before the liburry closed.

I didn’t think it was necessary to knock, so I opened the door and jolted a little along with the purple woman I’d almost hit. “Oh shite! Sorry about that, love.” I said quickly.

She smiled and chuckled. “We’re lucky I wasn’t a litt- Rainbow!” Her eyes shot open and I noticed that they seemed larger and more expressive than a Human’s, but she obviously wasn’t wearing makeup.

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe two seconds after shouting about a rainbow before I got tackled from behind and landed on her, pushing her over and, completely by accident, getting an eyeful of the light purple (Probably lavender. I’m not gay enough to know) panties she was wearing under her bitoned skirt. If I’d been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

“Rainbow! If ya don’t get a hold of yourself, I’ll beat ya black and blue! Assaultin’ a buckin’ stranger for no reason!” A pissed off, Southern American voice barked harshly.

“That’s the guy I was telling you about! Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!” ‘Rainbow’ replied like a little pissant.

I wasn’t happy. I was rather unhappy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. “Fuck OFF!”

“Argh!” Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. “What the buck!?”

I drew my dirk and roared, “Leave me the fuck alone before I slit your Goddamn throat!”

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put her blue buddy behind her. “Whoa, did you just draw blood over some punches!?” She asked incredulously.

“All that pumped up, half-witted, absolute retard has fucking done since we’ve met is be a Goddamn cunt! She crashes into me then has the fucking nerve to be mad about it! I was leaving a fucking forest with trees everywhere! What kind of shit-brained dumbarse flies at ridiculous speeds in a place where there are dense, hard, potentially lethal obstacles everywhere!? That’s not even mentioning that she followed me to town while trying to fight me! The cunt is fuck-ing psychotic!” I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. “You know I believe him, right?”

Rainbow flushed. “Hey! That asshole just threw a knife at me!” She barked like the bitch she was.

“And you been tryin’ to pummel this guy all day, makin’ me look around town with you.” She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. “I ain’t sayin’ he was right to draw steel, but you started this. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

“A-Applejack! Where’s your loyalty!?” Rainbow cried. Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her.

“This ain’t about loyalty. This is about you bein’ bullheaded and gettin’ yourself hurt by someone scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I’ll catch up to give a real lecture. Trust me.” Applejack ended harshly.

Technicuntler Bitch- Rainbow puffed out her chest. “You’re not my Mom!”

The cowgirl gave her a ball shriveling look. “Go.”

“Right.” Blue Bitch squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should’ve allowed.

I gaped for a second. “... Holy shite, d-did she just fly so fast she left a rainbow trail!?”

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I’d seen her, which is to say, I was about to be in deep shit. “I’m gonna ask ya once and only once: Why are you here?”

I pointed at the ground. “I’m here specifically so I can learn more about this place. I’m from a different world.”

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I’d forgotten that she was there too. “Wait, are you saying that you’re an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness alien!?”

I turned so I wouldn’t have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. “Yeah. I’m either an extra-terrestrial or an extra-dimensional. I might just be having one Hell of a fever dream though, so let’s not rule that one out.”

Applejack clicked her tongue. “The first thing ya do on a new planet is get in a fight?”

I gave her a look. “I tried letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but she wouldn’t let enough be enough. I mean, like, is she that way all the time?”

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. “Pretty much.”

The purple one sighed as I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, hoping that she’d been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn’t. “I’m sorry about Rainbow Dash, but why did you throw something sharp at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was effectively over.”

I turned to her. “It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys have hill-topping here?”

The purple horse-person tilted her head. “It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?”

I looked at the stubby, fifteen or so centimeter long horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. “Nah, I’ve never heard of that. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their high-horse with a show of force. If you’re nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you’re a proper fuckhole, you lay out their family and cripple them for life.”

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. “You ain’t thinkin’ a’ goin’ after Rainbow’s family, are ya?”

“I’m happy to let it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. I didn’t want to deal with abrasive arse anyway.” I replied honestly, looking at her hand. “Mind taking that off of me for a moment? I know you’re not trying to feel my muscles because they’re barely there.” She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. “The fuck was that for?”

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn’t a’ done much more than bruise an apple.”

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. “Yeah, those are bruises, but I’m not an apple.”

Applejack gave me a confused look. “I know you’re tellin’ the truth, but that don’t make sense.”

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, “Oi, what’s your name, love? I don’t think I’ve had a chance to catch it yet.”

She blinked. “Oh. I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

I gave her a smile. “Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture.”

“That’s right. Twilight’s the smartest Pony in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia.” Applejack praised.

Twilight Sparkle blushed. “The modest side of me wants to deny that, but my test scores don’t lie…”

I chuckled. “There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don’t start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you’ll probably be fine.”

Twilight wasn’t quite sold. “W-Well, why don’t we do something that we could both benefit from?” She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. “Why I never! To think you would be so forward with your devious intentions!”

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her ‘friend’ stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. “I-I-I-I was-I-I wasn’t- I don’t- I’ve never even done that sort of stuff before!” The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. “All the more reason for you to try and seduce me.”

Twilight turned cherry red and I swear to God steam came out of her ears in little rings. “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Oh dear Celestia.” She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around her, I had to planet my foot on the ground, struggling to hold her up.

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn’t much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. “Holy fuck! Why are you people so damn heavy!?”

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. “Sugarcube, from what I seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony’s good side. It’s lookin’ like you’re awful frail compared to us.”

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me. I think the only chance I really got is to stick and move since you guys don’t seem to do too well with maneuverability.”

“I’d like ya better iffin ya didn’t do it at all.” Applejack said, carrying Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I’d left it on the floor after the fall since I’d only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I’m not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her ‘slumber’. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being a arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

“Gah! Why are my ears wet!?” Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn’t smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. “It was Max. I don’t know where he got the water from, but I’m sure he won’t do it again.”

I cracked a shit-eating grin. “Not for the next few days, no.”

Applebottom’s look turned into a deadpan one. “I’ll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin’ a Pony’s ear is like grabbin’ a mare’s boob.”

“Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-” Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I’m pretty sure that look had ovaries.. “Copped out at anytime? Thanks for the heads up.”

“Is that really what you were gonna say?” Applejack deadpanned.

Twilight blushed as I said, “No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn’t worth pissing you off over a joke.” I scoffed.

The cowgirl nodded. “Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin’ from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant, but ya don’t seem like a bad sort.”

Twilight huffed. “That’s easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!” She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. “That’s just nasty.”

“Ever give a blowjob?” I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. “That ain’t none a’ your business!”

“It’s considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone’s ears. Hell, kiss is even worse!”

Twilight turned a bit green. “That does make sense in a certain way…”

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. “Why do ya gotta make things awkward?”

“I’m not from this country, let alone this planet, love. It’s not like I’m being extra weird or anything. It’s just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-”

“Wait, did you just call everypony in Ponyville a whorse?” Applejack asked, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. “Well, you guys seem to be either Pony-Human hybrids or Horse-Human hybrids. It doesn’t really make a difference since ponies are just smaller horses.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Whorse is a slur here… Um… What’s your name?”

“Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them.” I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “That ain’t true. That’s a flat out lie.”

I tilted my head at her again. “It’s a pseudonym, but a lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else’s real name, and depending on when you cop a second name, you might never your real name again until you tell it to someone.” All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online.

“Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what’s your real name?” The orange one asked.

“If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you instead of giving you my nickname.” I replied softly.

“I ain’t callin’ ya by a fake name.” She huffed.

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. “What gives a name credence, Applejack? What gives it power? It’s not the letters that make up the word; it’s just a random noise that happens to mean something. No, it’s the person who responds to the name that gives it power. I don’t really care if you don’t want to call me Max because you can just give me another name to add to my collection. I like personalized nicknames, and I’m alive because of pseudonyms, so if you don’t want to call me by the one I’m giving you, then you’re welcome to come up with your own.”

“So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin’ me... Sour Apple or somethin’, you’d do it?”

“If that’s what you want to be called, then yes. It’s not that weird, AJ, you’re just overthinking it.”

Twilight hummed. “A lot of Equestrian authors don’t she their real names when they write, so it’s kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?”

“Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that.” I replied, putting a foot into the grave.

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, which evidently convinced Applejack to leave. “Alright, I’m out. I’ll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Human.”

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. “Go away, Blondie.”

“Are ya callin’ me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?”

“Wait, you mean the not-brownie?”

“Yeah.”

“No, it’s because your hair is blonde.” I replied.

“... I don’t got hair, Human. I don’t think I know what that is.”

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. “I have hair on my head. I’m guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s true, but we’re also covered in fur. Aren’t you?”

I chuckled at that. “Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of
years ago.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Y-You mean that your people have been around since the beginning of time!?”

I couldn’t understand how she’d jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn’t. “... No, there were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that, there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is billions of years old.”

Applejack murmured. “Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel; I’ll be darned.”

Twilight gaped. “... Your world’s mages found a way to accurately date your planet?”

“... Did you just say ‘mages’?” I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

The librarian stared some more, blanching. “You- You do have mages, right?”

“... Love, Magic ain’t real. Not on Earth.” I said extra slowly.

“... Your planet operates without magic?” Twilight breathed.

“Your planet has magic?” I replied just as breathlessly.

“... Yeah, no, I’m gonna go before the alien spews goo everywhere. Twilight, don’t grill
him too hard. Human, don’t mess with Twilight.” Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. “Oh, I’m gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight’s colour.”

Applejack and Twilight examined her maroon and mauve skirt, her periwinkle sweatervest, and her off-white blouse. “Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain’t wearin’ purple.”

I just smiled when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. “Oh, Twilight and I both know that she is.”

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. “Alright, pervert-”

“Oi! It was Rainbow Dash’s fault! When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can’t say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head.”

Applejack gave me a dirty look. “Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?”

“What fun would that be?” I scoffed.

“It’ll be more fun than me kickin’ your can all over town for messin’ with one a’ the nicest
ponies you’ll ever meet.” She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. “It’s not like I’m doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you’re just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own.”

Her gaze softened. “Fair enough, I guess. I still want a ta tone it down for Twilight though. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

I looked at Applejack, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. “Oi, Twilight. I’ll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up, just let me know and I’ll try to rein it in.”

The librarian gave me a small smile. “I’d appreciate that. It’s embarrassing to have a stranger see… That sort of thing…” At least it was good for me.

“Right. So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you’ve been here.” Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

“Today. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big, super gay river serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy’s actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone names Rarity and give her this gold crown he sent me off with. I would find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that’s not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Did you really consider stealing someone’s gift for your own gain?”

I gave her a look. “Oi, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t give it a little thought. I mean, the crown isn’t the purest gold that’s passed through my hands, but I’m pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go.”

“... Max, I can honestly say that stealing someone’s gift wouldn’t cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I’d rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, so you’re morally sound and I’m a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain, so don't’ worry about that, okay?”

“... Why don’t you go grab that crown and I’ll have Rarity come over to pick it up?” Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. “Why don’t you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it’s her present, but I’m the courier. That’s like having to go to the post office to get your mail.”

She still seemed a little anxious. “Promise you won’t keep it?”

I gave her a look. “How old are you again?”

“You’re not really supposed to ask a mare her age.” Twilight frowned.

“I’m not?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway.”

“That’s weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it’s not like we know the exact number.”

“I guess it might be a magical thing then. You’re twenty, right?” Twilight asked.

“... Yeah, that’s weird.” I said, nodding.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not that much older than you.” She offered.

“You’re older than me? I could’ve sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colorful horse-people show their age differently.” I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. “You really need to stop calling Ponies ‘whorse-people’. If you say that to the wrong Pony, they’ll probably be pretty upset with you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mummy, I’ll clean up my language, mummy.”

“You’re being kind of rude.” Twilight said, irritation in her voice.

“Twilight, the last person I had to answer to killed people for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don’t like being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger.”

“... Max, what even was your world?” She asked softly. “You… You just talked about working for someone who kills ponies!”

I gave Twilight a ‘Bitch please’ kinda look. “Twilight, it’s not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don’t get a second chance to ignore him. I’ve never killed anyone myself, but I’ve been present for a few of his ‘examples’, and that was enough to keep me under his thumb.” I shook my head, the memory of the red-hot castration and penetration still ripe in my mind, despite that particular crime against human decency happening five years ago.

“... Okay.” Twilight rubbed her temples. “... So what did you do that made you useful to a terrible pony like that?”

“I’m good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That’s all I’m going to say on that.”

“Okay, but you’re not a murderer?”

“No, I don’t really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months, then it’s a different story, but I’ve never technically killed anyone.”

Twilight paled. “T-Technically?”

“Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body.” I held back a smile at the grotesque memory; the smell of rotten flesh, the looks of horror and desperation that were always on their faces, and the taste of vindication. “They killed themselves. I just didn’t feel obligated to stop them.”

“... You’re… You’re a monster.” Twilight murmured.

“Twilight, that person let me be raped for an entire year by dozens of people multiple times. There were days where I didn’t eat or sleep because I was being… Used. There were days when that person would make me go and get them more of the poison that was killing them right after being raped for an entire night. If you hold pity for someone like that, you’re the monster.”

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. “Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either beat a truth spell or you’re one of the strongest ponies I’ve ever met.”

I glared at her. “Get the fuckin’ pity out of your eyes ‘cause I sure as fuck don’t need it now. That was eight years ago. I’ve made my peace with it.”

“That’s not true.” She said softly.

“Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?”

“Max, I don’t know anything about Humans, but… Normal ponies don’t just go through something like that and come out okay. I think-”

“I think you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space.” I interrupted.

“... If that’s what you want, then I’ll… I’ll keep it to myself… Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I’m rather certain I’d rather be focusing on the future than be haunted by m past, yes.” I said drily.

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. “I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you’re the nicest pony, but you are tough.”

I might have blushed a bit, but I don’t know why. “Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?”

“Purps?”

“Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps.” I explained.

“That’s actually kind of obvious now that I think about it.” She murmured.

“Isn’t it though? The best nicknames often are.”

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity’s crown from where I’d left it, so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other’s planet. Since I already know all the shit about Earth, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable lake of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration that the Ponies had. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with
information that could have been vital, or that could have been pointless. Either way, around sunset, Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I’d just come into town and I’d told her no, so she offered to let me she one of her guest rooms until I could find a steady job and start making my own map. The problem was and is that I’m not really good at much that doesn't involve stealing shit or hiding, so I was going to have my luck cut out for me in all the wrong ways.

When the Sun was about to fall below the horizon, Twilight’s little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking Dragon within roasting distance and he wasn’t doing anything Dragony. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I’d ever seen and started cooking dinner after we introduced ourselves. He didn’t really have much to say to me, but it’s not like e was rude about it. The kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed, so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn’t much for me to do.

When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to ingest. Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, “Is something wrong, Max?”

“Humans can’t eat flowers or hay.” I chuckled. “The spinach was good, though. Could’ve used some salt, but it was tasty.”

Twilight eyes widened. “... You’re a salt addict?”

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. “What? How do you get addicted to salt?”

“That might be a story for another time, but salt doesn’t affect you?” She asked.

“It tastes good if you don’t use too much, but that’s about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that’s only if you go overboard every meal.” I explained.

“That’s so interesting! So what plants can you eat?”

“If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I’m probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don’t imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you’re evidently herbivores anyway.”

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. “... You eat other creatures?”

“That’s what omnivores tend to do.” I said slowly. “What? You don’t think I’m just going to up and try to bite you or something, do you?”

“Ah ha ha. Ah ha. Haaa…” Twilight made those noises. “W-Well…”

“... Wow, that’s… That’s kinda fucked up, Twilight. And rather xenophobic.” I added.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek. “W-Well… I… You have to kill something to eat it, Max.”

“Yes. If a human eats raw meat, they’ll probably die.”

That piqued her interest. “Wait, how do you hunt for food?”

I shook my head. “Humans didn’t really have to hunt if they didn’t want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places.”

“... I’m lost.” Spike said. “I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what’s the big idea?”

“That’s different,” Twilight said quickly.

“How?” Spike and I asked in unison.

“It-It just is, okay?” Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. “Why’d you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren’t Dragon purely carnivores?”

“I dunno. I’ve never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets really secret.” Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Oi, we’ll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots.”

“Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian.” Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I’d met her.

I gave her a look, but acquiesced nonetheless. “Whatever you say, Purps.” I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she’d collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of weak-willed bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being kinda mean. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I’ve always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I’m just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I’ve gotta say that I’m kinda digging it. It’s a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I’ll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done.

Now I just need to find a way to get back home.

OG: Chapter Three: Hitting On Princesses

Sleep eluded me for most of the night, but I did manage to catch an hour’s rest, so I wasn’t completely fucked or anything. Spike was happy to let me cook breakfast since it’s basically the only meal I know how to make, and when I got everything plated, Twilight finally clomped down the stairs, half-dressed to impress. I was a fan of the light blue knickers her half-buttoned blouse didn’t cover, and I was also pleased by the amount of cleavage she was showing, though I doubted that she was more than a C-cup. I didn’t exactly stare at her before she sat down, but I did give myself a few seconds to record the memory for later use.

Breakfast was nice and Twilight was barely even there for most of it, but when I got her a cup of my special version of a cuppa Joe, she perked up immediately before making a face. My Pitch Black Death was triple brewed and was potent enough to stir the dead into a conga line, Now, I wasn’t really expecting Twilight to get past the first couple of sips, and she proved me right by pouring spoonful after spoonful of sugar into her coffee before sipping it again. I just gave her an amused look and sipped the bitter brew casually since my own coffee pot in the old church had seen its fair share of use.

Twilight tried it one last time and asked, “I’m sorry, Max, but are you trying to kill me?”

I chuckled at her as she levitated her mug over to me, her horn glowing as she passed it. The sight was odd to say the least, but when I took the mug from Twilight, I said, “Sorry about that, but I like my coffee like I like my women; strong, warm, and bitter enough to make the dead roll in their graves.”

Twilight reclaimed her mug after I finished marrying our coffees so she cold water it down a bit. “If you’re looking for bitter mares, I don’t think you’re in the right place.” She giggled, heading over to the sink.

I had myself a little looksee at Twilight’s surprisingly shapely rear, though I didn’t let m gaze longer for more than a couple seconds, just like last time. I returned to my food only to hear Twilight gasp and cry, “Oh-my-gosh-not-again!” before there was a little popping noise.

When I looked at where Twilight had been, no one was there and Spike was sniggering his tail off. We finished up with breakfast and I helped Spike clean up before I decided to make use of the fact that I was in a library. I grabbed a few bestiaries and an herbiary or two so I could familiarize myself with some of the flora and fauna that were coming around. I skimmed through the bestiary had ended up settling on the Everfree and similar forbidden forest general compilation. Shit was crazy, man. Everything from an Aye-Aye to a Zdenek was included, though how a demon managed to get into a forest nearby one of the most colourful, cheeriest places, I’ll never know.

When I was through with the bestiary and was moving onto the herbiary, two people came into the library and one of them was awfully familiar. Rainbow Dash struck up a bad fighting stance while her bright pink, meter and a third tall friend bounced up to me in the most literal of senses. I wondered why Rainbow was hanging out with someone who couldn't have been much more than fourteen, but the one with the multicolored mane came over and frowned at me. I rose and extended a and to her, my face flat.

“We got off on the wrong foot, or rather, the wrong hoof. How about we let the little shit go and try not to choke each other? Wipe the slate clean.” I gave her my olive branch.

She shook my hand and nodded. “It never hurts to just let stuff go, I guess... I’m gonna keep that knife though.”

“Wasn’t really expecting to get it back anyway, so more power to you.” I answered, looking at the overly pink girl who was bouncing in place. I tried to shake her hand too, but when she looked me in the eye, she gasped and dashed off like a pink blur. “... Okay.”

“Ah, don’t worry about that, dude. It’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.” Rainbow assured me. “If you’re lucky, she’ll do something nice for you.”

I scratched my head. “Here’s hoping that I’m not lucky.”

Rainbow Runt gave me a weird look. “Why wouldn't you want someone to do something nice for you? It’s not like most ponies around here would ask for anything back.”

“... Is… Are you guys just not skeptical or something? Like, I assume that Twilight did some kind of magic to make sure I wouldn't mess anything up, and I know Applejack doesn’t trust me, so what’s the deal?” I asked, confused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude. Ponies around here are just app to help most days.”

“... That’s weird. You’re weird. This town is weird.”

“Nopony’s going to tell you any different.” Rainbow deadpanned. “I gotta find a book though, so have fun soaking in the weirdness.”

While I was being surprised that Rainbow could actually read, I heard Twilight coming down the stairs from the second floor and went back to reading as casually as I could considering I was on a different planet and the language was hard to make out. I ended up taking Twilight aside so she could help me make a cheat sheet of sorts for the Equestrian Alphabet. She was surprised to learn that I had a decent idea of what was going on in most forms of decent penmanship and a few particularly bad ones, but as we spent time converting Latin to Equestrian, there was a knock on the front door and Twilight had to leave me to my own devices. I heard her greet someone before tuning them both out to continue with my studies, but then Twilight came back with a white woman who had a violet mane. I thought the new pony was pretty damned beautiful in the classic sense, but she applied way too much makeup for me to be interested.

“Max, this is Rarity, one of my best friends and the mare you were supposed to be hunting down.” Twilight said, giving me a little smile at the end.

I rose from my seat and offered her my hand. “It’s a pleasure, Miss Rarity. I do have something for you from a mutual friend, so let me grab it real quick, yeah?”

Rarity smiled at me and said, “Take your time, Max. I’m in no hurry.”

I gave her a nod and went upstairs to retrieve the crown Magnet had given her, returning to the scene to find Spike fawning over Rarity like the lovestruck preteen he was. “Stephen Magnet sends his regards.” I said, handing the crown over to her.

Rarity beamed and accepted it gratefully. “Oh, Stephen is such a sweetheart! I’ll have to find some way of paying him back for this lovely gift!”

My eye twitched a little when I heard more of Rarity’s uppercrust, affluent accent. I’d heard plenty that were similar to it in all the wrong ways, and most of those voices had been talking down to me, trying to cheat me, or asking me to stab one of their nearest and dearest in the back. I seized some spiteful words with my teeth and smiled, nodding once before I made to go back to my reading.

“Oh, Max, before you return to your studies, I’d just like you to feel free to stop by my boutique at any time.” She said cheerfully. “I’m sure we could find just the right look for you with a little time.”

I gave her a tight smile that made her beam. “Of course, I’ll have to stop by once I find a steady job-”

“Oh, posh! You’ve done me a favour so allow me to do you one in turn, darling! After all, you could have turned out to be a bad upon and kept the crown for yourself after all.”

Twilight blushed and coughed, so I gave her a funny look. “Are you choking on nonexistent irony, Twilight?”

“I-I mean, i-its just that… You know…”

“I do believe I’m missing something.” Rarity said.

I gave her a little smile. “You are. I told Twilight that I considered taking or crown for myself and she got all skittish about me doing just that. I’d still like to maintain that if I wanted to steal it, I wouldn't have said anything.”

Rarity gave me an odd look. “Why would you consider taking someone else’s gift? It wouldn’t serve you, would it?”

I furrowed my brow. “.... Does the concept of selling stolen goods not exist here?”

The moderately well-endowed aristocrat seemed perturbed by the idea. “Well, of course the concepti exists, but who in their right mind would actually practice it?” Guess who’s scratching out their entire past?

“Fair enough I suppose. If it eases or mind at all, I would only steal from someone who stole from me, but then I’d be taking back what they took in the first place.” I smirked fondly at the memory of my brother and I, stealing a piece of swag back and forth when we’d first met.

Twilight made an odd noise. “Uh, Max? Why are you smiling about stealing?”

“It just reminds me of my brother is all.” I replied, shaking my head. “I think I need to get out and about for a little bit. Either of you beautiful Pony-People got a little time to show an alien around town?”

Rarity gave me an odd look. “You have a brother? Where is he?”

I let her have a remorseful smile. “Gone for a few years now. How about that walk?”

Her face fell and she placed a hand on my arm. “Oh, I’m sorry darling, I-”

“Oi, it’s okay. Of course you’d be curious after I brought him up.” I patted her shoulder.

“We can go for that walk here in a moment if you’d like.” Twilight offered. “I just want to write one quick little letter and we’ll be ready to go.”

Spike stood around, staring creepily at Rarity wit literal hearts in his eyes like it was an ahegao hentai or some shit, so I kinda hoped that he’d opt to stay behind. Little dude was cool and all, but I was beginning to think that he was the type to sniff the brown patch on a pair of dirty knickers. Twilight got her letter written out, but she just tied it into a scroll and had a ‘Eureka!’ moment explode across her face for a moment and her realization turned into excitement.

“Max! How did your people communicate across long distances?” Twilight asked
Excitedly.

I gave her a little smile. “We had a lot of ways of doing it, to be honest with you. I know you ponies have radios, but my people had things called telephones that were similar to radios in the way that you could use it to hear someone from miles away. However, a phone would let you talk back and forth with multiple people from all over the world if you so chose, and there was a thing called the internet that basically held the majority of mankind’s information. Everything from how to build a fire to how to calculate the trajectory of a rocket you can send to the surface of the Moon; everything.”

Twilight blinked at me and held the scroll out to Spike. He blew a gout of fire at it and the shit blew me fuckin’ mind, m8. “That’s how we do our thing, I guess.” She said blankly.

I scratched my face. “You roast your mail?”

“... How do you send it?”

“We have a little device we usually use that stores pictures, messages, games; a bunch of stuff. I’d have to show you and let you get a little familiar with one so you could actually know what it’s for, but I’m not smart enough to make one, and I doubt Equestria is technologically advanced enough to make a decent one.”

“Wow…” Twilight and Rarity chorused.

I was about to respond when a golden flash of light materialized another letter, and when Twilight gave it a quick skim, she smiled and said that Rarity was free to take me around town, but that she had to stay to wait for an important visitor. I didn’t miss the jealousy in Spike’s eyes when Rarity hooked her arm through mine and suggested that we get a move on. We started with some parts of the town that I was familiar with, but then Rarity took me to a couple of restaurants and a bakery or three, naming Sugarcube Corner as the best place to get a decent breakfast on the go. I asked if the made egg and cheese scones, to which Rarity replied that they did, so I resolved to go get one tomorrow morning when I started the job hunt in earnest.

“So, Max, what’s your Cutie Mark?” Rarity asked casually as we strolled around town.

While she was holding onto me, I was trying to be distracted. She was squishy in all the right ways. “Cutie Mark? I don’t believe I know what that is.”

“Oh? Are you saying that you don’t have a special talent?” Rarity asked, surprised.

“I suppose you could call my special talent climbing. I’ve always been oddly good at it.” I said truthfully.

“... What purpose does climbing things serve? I mean, not to disparage your talents, but how do you know that you’re good at it?” She inquired, befuddled.

I gave her a sidelong glance. “Do Ponies not climb trees or something? I mean, I basically do parkour, but do you guys not have a reason to climb anything?”

“Ponies don’t do trees, darling.” Rarity huffed. “Trees are the bane of kites and frisbees everywhere since it’s hard for a Pony to get out of a tree safely.”

I tugged her a bit closer to me and she tittered for some odd reason. I wasn’t trying to charm her; I think she’s just kind of slutty. “Well trees and building happen to be my thing. If Twilight asks where I am, tell her that I climbed the Treebrary.

Rarity giggled. “What would you be hiding from up there, hm?”

“You, mostly.” I teased. “Do you know how warm you are?”

She patted my arm. “I don’t believe I hear you complaining.”

“I believe your boyfriend might sooner or later.”

Rarity scoffed. “Please. There aren’t exactly that many available stallions in Ponyville. I believe you’ll find that you have plenty of options here, should you choose to stay.”

I took a moment to consider that, and on a couple of levels, I was a little disturbed. I mean, what red-blooded nerd hasn’t at least thought about nailing a hot humanoid alien? I mean, the Ponies looked damn near Human save for the wings and horns that seemed to be rare among them, and other than the fur, ears, and hooves, they were almost Human. The thoght of sleeping with one seemed odd to say the least, but I wasn’t necessarily against it, per she. Now, I couldn’t really see myself sleeping with Rarity since she wasn’t really my type, but Applejack could get it if she wanted it. I knew Twilight probably wouldn’t be up for anything, but I wasn’t really attracted to her like that anyway. She was interesting in her own special way, but I couldn’t really put my finger on it. Rainbow was out of the running all together since she had a runner’s body, and I tend to like my ladies with a little something to hold onto. Speaking of women with something to hold onto, I wonder how Milky’s doing… Why am I drooling?

Anyway, Rarity showed me a few landmarks like the park, a few stores that sold general goods, a place to get personal hygiene products (She recommended more than a few brands for my hair after feeling it and grimacing), and when I asked, a place to get liquor. Rarity thought I wanted wine, which I wouldn't hesitate, it was just that I preferred bourbon because reasons. I don’t know why, I just always have. I offered to share a bottle of something white and dry wit her one day if she was up to it and I think she was just happy to have a drinking buddy who actually had a tongue for alcohol.

When we got back to Twilight’s, Rarity told me to tell the purple one that she was sorry for leaving without a proper goodbye, but I didn’t dig too deeply into it since it wasn’t my business. I didn’t knock when I entered, but I did call out, “Oi! Where’s the nearest living thing?”

I heard some giggling from the kitchen before Twilight said, “We’re in here, Max, and I have someone very special for you to meet!”

I was tempted to fuck off and not go into the kitchen, but then Twilight met me in the doorway and practically dragged me in anyways, so that plan was bollixed. She lead me into the kitchen by the wrist and stopped me in front of a tall, absolutely breathtaking woman that made my heart pound in my chest and my breathing hitch slightly on sight. Like Rarity, she was a stark white, but her coat seemed to be tinged with a warmth that Rarity’s lacked, and her endowments were far more substantial than the other woman’s. I could see just from the woman’s hips that she had more arse than a donkey farm and when I looked at her face, I couldn't help but be lovestruck. Her almond shaped, muted mauve eyes met my forest green ones and I didn’t doubt for a second that she knew that I was a low-down pick’n’pluck, but I also didn’t doubt that she wouldn’t judge me for being less than what I could be. I wanted her acceptance from the beginning, so I gave her a wide smile.

“Wow, if I were any more starstruck, you’d have to find me a place to lie down. My name’s Max; what’s yours, love?” I asked pleasantly.

Twilight elbowed me in the ribs and that shit hurt. “Max, this is my teacher, Princess Celestia.”

I gave Twilight a look. “It’s rude to answer someone’s questions when you weren’t asked, you know.”

Twilight glared at me for a second and shot Celestia a nervous smile. “I’m sure Max just doesn't have royalty where he’s from.”

Celestia smiled amusedly, but I answered before she could. “Yeah, we have royalty. What of it?”

Twilight stared at me. “Do you treat your Princesses like this?”

“... Uh, I think there’s like, two of them, and I’ve never met either. It’s not like they stopped by to see how I was doing.” I answered drily.

“But you know how to treat royalty, do you not!?” Twilight whispered fiercely.

“They get enough special treatment from people who aren’t me. Fuck all that bullshit.” I replied aloofly.

Twilight facepalmed pretty hard and Celestia let out a melodious chuckle. “It’s refreshing to see someone who cares so little about status and power after all my years. I can’t remember the last time a pony who wasn’t a King or an uppity noble dared swear around me.”

“If it bothers you, I’ll try not to do it so much, but it’s like, half of the language I speak.” I shrugged. “It is what it is, sugart-” I cut myself off before Twilight could actually kill me.

As it was, Twilight still rammed her elbow into my ribs. “You don’t give the Princess a petname!”

“What if she wants one? You know what, Twilight? Why don’t you let the sovereign ruler of your proud nation decide what she does and doesn’t like?” I asked irritably, rubbing my side and wincing.

Twilight colored and sputtered. “I-I wasn’t trying to-”

“Why don’t we sit down for tea and we can let the funny alien stop getting under your fur?” Celestia chuckled and gave me a wink.

I gave her one in turn. “I don’t know, I think I’d rather just get under Twilight’s skirt. Being under her fur would be terribly hot.”

The little librarian hit me and said, “Shush you pervert!”

I held my arm, grimacing. “Fuckin’ ow.”

Twilight folded her arms and huffed.. “You shouldn’t have said-”

I kicked the back of her knee and she dropped. “Oh sorry, you should’ve kept your hands to yourself.” I grumbled, checking out the nasty bruise that was already forming on my arm.”

“Oh my! How did Twilight manage that?” Celestia gasped, teleporting over to check my arm.

Twilight was already back on her hooves, looking at the bruise herself. “Oh… I forgot that you were frail compared to a Pony…”

Celestia laid a hand on me and healed the bruise with a spell, but my arm still kinda hurt. “There. You shouldn’t have any more problems.”

“Thanks, Celestia-” I started.

Twilight gasped. “Max! Would it kill you to show a little respect!?”

I looked at Celestia and blurted, “I love your eyes, but there are two bigger things that I
love. I’m torn.”

The Princess blushed lightly and gave me a little smile. “Few stallions would presume to flirt with one of the co-rulers of Equestria.”

“Few ‘stallions’ have the stones to do it.” I scoffed. “Just think; if I’m brave enough to risk being arrested for treason, what other interesting things might I do?”

Celestia’s eyes flickered to Twilight for the briefest of moments. “I’m not sure if I should ask you to elaborate of that, so I’ll just leave it where it lies. Tell me, what’s the ruler of your country like, Max?”

“She’s an old bat who’s seen more bullshit in Parliament than your average farmer.” I replied drily. “Seriously; she’s gotta be a hundred years old by now.”

“And you consider that old?” Celestia asked amusedly, a truth in her eyes that I wanted
to hear.

“What would you consider old?” I inquired in turn.

Celestia just smiled and folded her arms, making my attention dip for a second. “Why, It would have to be at least three thousand years before I considered someone old.”

I chuckled. “Cute. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you’re pushing four ‘K’ and that Rainbow Dash is older than me.”

The Princess just smiled.

“Um, Max? Rainbow’s the oldest out of my friends, and Celestia’s ruled Equestria for nearly four thousand years.” Twilight informed.

I grinned at Celestia. “What made Twilight special enough for you to teach her with your thousands of years of wisdom?” I asked, not buying it for a second.

The white Pony gave me an odd look. “That’s a strange question given the prior subject matter, but I suppose it would have had to have been Twilight’s aptitude for magic.”

“If I tell you that I have an aptitude for oral, will you teach me?” I asked bravely.

The direct request went clear over Twilight’s head, but Celestia heard it for what it was and coloured, clearing her throat. “I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about, but I could be persuaded to tutor you in a subject or two if you were interested.”

Twilight gave me a dirty look and I gave her a smile. “Don’t be jealous, Twilight. Green isn’t your color.”

“You can read auras?” Twilight asked skeptically.

I blinked. “... I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s a thing here, but no. I can read body language though.”

“Body language?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah. Things like microexpressions, nervous tics, open gestures, tonal shifts; you name it, I can get a vibe off of it. It’s how I know that Celestia’s less likely to slap me for giving her an honest compliment than you are.” I replied.

“Why would I hit you for a compliment?”

“Your tail looks so soft and caressable. Is it odd if I ask to touch it?” I asked, fully expecting her to say yes.

Twilight tilted her head at me. “I wouldn’t mind as long as you didn’t pull it.”

I grabbed her arse and threw myself backwards when she tried to slap me. “That wasn’t my tail!”

“That’s what it’s called on a Human!” I argued, biting back a smile.

“You’re so full of it!” Twilight huffed.

Celestia was trying not to giggle. “I’m sure it was just a cultural difference, Twilight.”

“Yeah! I explicitly asked for your permission and you said don’t pull! I didn’t pull, did I?” I challenged.

Twilight pointed a judicious finger at me. “Keep your hands to yourself, Mister!”

I raised my hands in defeat. “I’m sorry for being a weird alien, Twilight. I’ll try to pick up
on Equestrian no-nos faster.”

She crossed her arms and glared at me, still blushing lightly. “You’d better.”

“Now Twilight, I’m sure that Max is just adjusting to a new environment as best he can. It’s not like he’s trying to upset you, right Max?” Celestia asked, giving me an out.

I nodded. “I’d only purposefully try to upset you if you gave me a good reason to.”

Twilight huffed, but she seemed to cool down when Celestia suggested we go have the tea that had probably gotten cold over the course of our little introduction. Twilight sat between Celestia and I while the conversation was going, and every time my eyes wandered away from Celestia’s face for more than a second, Twilight made sure I felt her wrath under the table until I kicked her back. May I reiterate that I wear steel toes? She quit her shit when I got her back and her face told me that I’d gotten her a little too good, so I asked Celestia if I could have a word alone with her. The Princess didn’t seem to pick up on why, but that might have just been wishful thinking.

When she was out of the room, Twilight let out a little whimper. “Ow…”

“I’d apologize, but you kicked me just as hard.” I reminded.

“Yes, but I’m more sensitive than you!” Twilight whispered pitifully.

I gave her a deadpan look before rolling up the leg of my trousers to show her the damage she’d done. “You’ve been doing a number on me, love. Shit hurts.”

“... I’m sorry.” Twilight murmured before rubbing her own leg.

“Apology not accepted. I want a hug after Celestia leaves.” I demanded playfully.

She gave me a worried look. “You’re gonna grope me!”

“I’m not going to grope you, I promise.” I gave her a warm smile.

Her cheeks pinked slightly. “... Pinkie Promise?”

I offered her my pinkie and she hooked it. “Pinkie Promise, Purps. Now stop hitting me so I don’t have to hit you back.”

“Stop being a pervert so I don’t have to hit you!” She protested.

I booped her and she scrunched her face up. “I’ll try to hold back, but you yourself don’t make it very easy. I tried not to look this morning, but…” I scratched my face and looked off into the distance.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Er… I usually don’t have company over for breakfast.”

I looked back at her to see her blushing and looking at her lap. “If it makes you feel any better, the half-dressed and half-awake look makes you seem even cuter than usual.” Her face went back to that bright cherry red and I couldn’t help myself, so I gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m going to grab Celestia unless there’s something you want to talk about?”

“N-No, I’m okay…” Twilight rubbed her cheeks and tried to quell the minute smile she was wearing.

I couldn’t help but feel like I’d gotten into her head a little with my words, but I’d made my attraction to Celestia far more obvious. Rarity telling me that there wasn’t much game in town for the ladies struck me as a little odd, but I didn’t know what all that was supposed to mean. So far, I’d had Rarity cling to me like glue, Celestia had been responsive, if not a little hesitant with her reactions, and Twilight was extremely tender and bashful, but it seemed as though the spark was there. The odds were stacking up higher and higher that I was going to get a piece of Pony before a month passed, but I wasn’t sure if I was necessarily down for it.

After retrieving Celestia, we finished up a conversation about getting me Equestrian citizenship, and Celestia broke some very hard news to me. Her sister, Luna, had spent a thousand years searching the stars for other planets with life, but had found none, and that her mages just weren’t advanced enough for reliable extra-dimensional travel, let alone extra-planetary exploration on a larger scale that Luna had already done. It was rough news to hear since there was basically no way I was getting back to my home world, but I bit the bullet and smiled through it, even though I just wanted to lie down for awhile. I know Celestia saw through the sham and offered me an out by asking if I’d like a drink. I agreed without a second thought and that was my first mistake. My second mistake was telling Celestia that I was fond of just about anything, so she brought out a liqueur that was far too sweet to be enjoyable, though Twilight loved it. I didn’t realize how strong it was due to how sweet it was, and two glasses later I was feeling some type of good.

I sent myself off to bed before I could make a fool of myself and had a few glasses of water once I figured out how to properly fill a cup again. Apparently alcohol is more potent here on Equus, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It definitely means that I’ll have to keep my wits about me, but it’s not like I was the only one who was a little drunk by their second glass. Twilight was smiley and awfully talkative while Celestia just amused by us. I tried not to hit on both of them for the short time it took me to realize that I was already buzzing, but I mostly got giggles from Celestia and nervous little smiles from Twilight before we called it a night.

It’s been rather difficult to get this written out since, you know, drinking, but it’s not all bad. I’m sobering up a bit, but I swear I keep hearing someone outside of my borrowed room every now and again. It hasn’t really been enough to comment on, but I think I’m just being paranoid anyway.

Fuck it. It’s nap time.

Chapter Four: Hot Sparkles

I slept far better that night than I had during the one before. Hell, I already preferred this world to my world! Making friends was easy; no one seemed too sketchy or had a hidden agenda, my little squabble with RD was solved with a handshake and an apology, and I even got to flirt with a Princess! No matter how cool all of that was, however, I still lacked a way of getting revenue. From what Twilight had told me, crime was rare in this part of the world, so it would be awfully hard to find an employer that dealt in my line of work. That, and I never actually enjoyed stealing; it was just a necessity.

My dreams… I don’t want to commit my dreams to paper, on the off chance that someone finds my journals. Shaking the terrors of the night from my mind, I sat up and stretched. It was still dark out, but working in the dark was kind of my specialty. I felt my way to the bathroom without any real trouble and took a nice shower. Twilight had been generous enough to loan me a towel and a washcloth, so the only thing I actually needed was more clothes. Rarity had promised me a few new outfits to repay me for bringing Steven Magnet’s gift, so that was taken care of, but I still needed money. If I had money, I could pay Twilight for rent, Rarity for the clothes and buy whatever else I needed.

I sighed as I finished, feeling like I wasted half of my life learning skills I couldn’t use anymore. I just… I needed to get out and do something, plain and simple. Staying inside my first and second days in Ponyville had been making me go stir crazy, so getting a job would most likely help more than I’d thought. Feeling like I finally had a goal to start looking forward to, I dried off and started looking forward to the true beginning of a new life when I heard the door swing open. A half dressed Twilight and a fully naked Kaid made eye contact, though her eyes happened to slide a little downwards. Mine remained above chest level, mind you.

“Do you ever knock, or did you just want to sneak a peek?” I quipped. I’ve never been afraid to show off what I’ve got, but being stared at was more awkward than I was willing to admit.

Twilight didn’t appear to hear me, so I grabbed my towel and tossed it at her. The look on her face when she got it off was absolute gold. She sputtered for a few moments before backing out of the bathroom. I swear, Twilight makes it far too easy sometimes… I dressed quickly and stepped out to see Twilight snap to what she thought was a natural stance, with one hand behind her and the other gripping the hem of shirt like it was a life-line. I wondered what she’d been doing before I stepped out.

“H-hey, Max! It’s a p-pleasant morning, isn’t it?” Twilight blurted out. Her smile creeped me out a bit…

“You could say that, though there’s a perv running around, spying on folks when they get out of the shower. You should be careful, Twilight. Pretty woman like you could be a target~” I said with a wink. I had no intention of sneaking a peek, but Twilight didn’t need to know that.

She didn’t have anything to say to that, so she slipped into the safety of the bathroom. I watched with a smirk as she went, not bothering to avert my eyes, but the hand she’d kept behind her caught my eye more so than her lovely bottom; I swear I could see a hint of dampness on her fingertips. I shrugged thoughts of impurity out of my mind and continued to the kitchen. Spike had taken Twilight's place as the late riser this morning, so I had plenty of time to tease her. I think I’m starting to rub off on her, seeing as how she blushed less and less and even started flirting back, albeit poorly. I was starting to enjoy my time with Twilight a bit more than I had been. It felt like she was finally starting to really open up to me, but I think that I was more relieved that she forgave me for treating Celestia as an equal.

Breakfast passed without incident, and plenty of chuckles. Spike collected the dishes after we were finished, so I started off to go find the herbiary I had been reading yesterday when Twilight stopped me.“Hey, Max? Can you help me with something later today? Pretty please?” She inquired. She clasped her hands together and tried to give me puppy dog eyes.

I laughed at her antics. I’ve been given ‘The Eyes’ far too many times for them to work anymore. “Twilight, you don’t need to do that, I’d help you regardless.” I replied. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the cuteness, it’s the way her arms were squeezing her breasts together in such a delightful way. Very distracting.

“Thanks! I really appreciate you help!” Twilight hugged me out of nowhere, almost causing me to fall. These ponies were surprisingly heavy for being shorter than me and about as slim as I am.

I hugged her back, waiting for her to pull out of the embrace.

Thirty seconds passed before she finally let go.

I looked at her with a raised brow. “Fond of hugs, are we? Or am I just that sexy?” I smirked at her and awaited her response. I wasn’t expecting her to reply as she did.

“Why not both?” She said, walking her fingers up my chest. When she met my collar bone, she moved her hand to my chin and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We looked at one another for a few seconds, my face was pleasantly surprised, and hers was sultry and lustful.

I booped her nose and she looked at me like I’d grown horns. She blinked rapidly for a few seconds and flushed red, looking down and noticing that she’d never changed from her blouse/panty combo for the first time. She rushed upstairs faster than Pinkie Pie had run off the other day, leaving me awfully confused; Twilight had been fine with the harmless flirting earlier, so what changed?

I decided to go job hunting a little earlier so I could have some time to ponder the matter. I stepped outside and took in the magnificent array of colors in front of me, inhaling that crisp, clean air again. My day was looking up the second I got outside! I pranced my way into the town square, a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I garnered plenty of strange looks, but I didn’t really care; it was going to be a good day if I had to make it good!

There were ponies of all the colors of the rainbow in the town square. I don’t know why Twilight called it Town Square if it was more circular than anything, but I digress. The Town Circle seemed to double as the marketplace where stalls were set up and businesses in buildings surrounded them. I saw a decent variety of shops, but there were few I could do anything with. I walked around Town Circle looking at a few of the shops that I’d like to work at when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Behind me stood a tallish mare with long pink hair and butter yellow fur. She was wearing worn denim jeans and a baggy green sweater that did little to hide her sizable bust. She put off a general vibe of shyness or nervousness, something I always found attractive in a girl. The buttery mare mumbled something to me while looking at the ground, so all I heard was the background noise of the market.

“Beg pardon, love?” I asked, keeping my voice low and calm. It felt like I was talking to a frightened animal.

“T-Twilight asked me to t-tell you to c-come back t-to the library a-around n-nightfall.” She mumbled again, barely loud enough to hear.

“Thanks, love. I appreciate you coming to tell me. I’m Max, by the way. Who are you?” I asked with a gentle smile. I offered my hand to her slowly so I wouldn’t scare her. She looked up, trembling, and took my hand.

“I’m Fluttershy…” She whispered, just a mite louder than before. I think she was beginning to warm up to me a bit, but she still hid behind her hair.

“Your name’s Fluttershy?” I got a tiny nod. “That’s a good name, love. It suits you quite well, I believe.” I kissed her hand and withdrew.

“T-Thank you…”

“There’s no need to thank me for the truth, love. If you must, though, I’d very much appreciate some information”

“I-Information?”

“Yes. You see, I’d rather like a job, seeing as how I’m staying with Twilight at the moment. I want to be able to repay her kindness and generosity in turn.” Fluttershy seemed to be a lot less wary of me after I mentioned paying Twilight back. She told me about a few jobs that were available around town, though I still struggled to hear her for most of them.

One of the local farms, Sweet Apple Acres could always use an extra hand. The Mayor of the town needed a second secretary, and the resident locksmith needed a partner to help him with requests.

It doesn’t take a savant to know what I went with, knowing my past life.

I said my goodbyes to Fluttershy and meandered in the general direction Fluttershy had given me. Sadly, the locksmith was on the other side of The Town Circle, so it was going to give me far too much empty time. Time I would most likely be using to think. Eww… I decided to take a preemptive strike and think about Fluttershy. She was a nice enough girl whenever you could actually hear her, and she was a mutual friend of myself, Rainbow, and Twilight, so there was a good chance we’d talk again.

I pondered my situation for the last few minutes I had before ending up at the locksmiths. The shop itself was rather plain, but quaint. I wasn’t surprised, seeing as how Ponyville was even smaller than Wiltshire, but I think I was expecting… More, I guess. A bit more color to liven the place up. As it were, The Lock Pad was easily discernible from the rest of the vivid assortment of shops that made up The Town Circle, so I’d never have to look too hard.

I stepped inside to see a drab grey counter manned by a surprisingly dainty woman. She was rather short and thin with charcoal grey hair that was a few shades darker than her coat. She was… incredibly unremarkable in any way. I approached the counter with all the class my Classy Mode could muster.

“Excuse me, Madam, but I’ve heard that you’ve an opening? If it’s no trouble, I’d like to apply.” I tried with every ounce of my gentlemanly prowess. The woman behind the counter took one look at my disheveled clothing, messy black hair and general scruffiness and scoffed.

“You just want this job so you can creep around and steal things from honest ponies, don’t you? I can see it in your eyes, you creepy monkey. I saw little cretins like you when I lived in Manehatten nearly every day, you purse snatching lout! Ponies like you never learn; you know you won’t because all you want to be and all you’ll ever be is a low-down, filthy-”

“Bitch, if you don’t shut your stupid fucking ignorant whore mouth, I swear to all you hold dear I’ll paint this goddamn place in your filthy fucking blood!” I shouted back at her. The sheer hatred I felt for this, this, blob of flesh and fur burned hotter than the flames in the Blacksmith’s forge. A man can only take so much abuse, especially from a stranger.

She was staring at me wide-eyed and horrified before a large pink stallion opened a door from the opposite side of room.

“Mineral Zeal, what did I tell you about enraging the customers?” The big pink bastard asked. Don’t quote me on this, but I was betting that it was more of a rhetorical kind of question.

The grey mare looked between the two of us, not sure who she should be more afraid of. She settled on me and tried to suck up to the fellow.

“B-but! Daisy Carnival! You can’t possibly be taking his side over mine! I’m your first employee!” She sputtered out. If she was his first employee, and only, employee, there were no questions as to why he would seek fresh blood.

“I’ve told you time and time again, to never call me by that name. My name is Onyx Lock.” He replied evenly. This guy kinda scared me, even if he was bright pink… He looked like he could crush coconuts with his pinkies.

He looked to me, “You want a job, kid?”

“Y-Yes Sir.”

He looked back to Mineral Zeal. “You’re fired. I’ll mail your severance to you. Get out.”

She looked like she’d just been slapped across her face. Zeal made some weird fish-like motions before she walked out of The Lock Pad in a daze. Daisy and I watched her go without a word.

“So… Is it alright if I call you Onyx?” I asked.

“Perfectly fine. Now how much do you know about locks?”

We spent the next couple hours talking about my shady past, oddly enough. Onyx seemed to accept everything I said without judging me, which was greatly appreciated, though I couldn’t help but remember what Zeal had said earlier: Did I really just want to work here so I could learn to pick more locks? Or was I here so I wouldn’t have to? Onyx seemed to read my mind and started me off with some busy work on testing locks. He had a massive set of picks that he used to do the same job that I was doing, so I picked out fifteen that were somewhat familiar to me.

We ended closing up shop around at seven or so, and I had blown through most of the more advanced locks in the place. As a bit of payment in advance, Onyx gave me about twenty golden bits. They were casted coins, but they were still high quality and seemingly pure, which confused me. Why use precious metals as literal currency? I voiced my query to my new boss who just shrugged at me. With that, I started my walk back to the Treebrary.

About half way on my trip back, I realized that I’d forgotten about Rarity and her offer to make new clothes for me. I was getting desperate at this point: The Lock Pad was very warm and sweating was a common occurrence, so I’d have to sort that out as soon as possibly possible.

When I arrived at the Treebrary, I noticed that all the lights were out. I had a bad feeling about what was going to happen, so I took Route B. I climbed the tree onto the balcony that jutted out of the side of the tree. I’d never been upstairs, before, but judging by the assortment of bras and what not that littered the area around the laundry bin, it was safe to assume that this was Twilight’s room. I snuck to the stairwell when I heard assorted mutters.

Looks like someone threw me a party. I was rather touched, or I would have been if I was absolutely positive that it was for me. I didn't want to ruin Twilight's or Spike's Surprise, so I stealthily slipped down the stairs, not making more than a scuff or two that couldn't be heard over the few mutters still going on.

Author's Notes:

This Chapter took sooooooo long to write; I just took a shot to my motivation after a thousand or so words and kinda gave up. I don't know If I'll finish chapter 5 very soon, so my apologies

Stay Frosty m80's

Edit: I don't see how this took that long to write, but then again, I spend days on chapters now. Fixed the formatting and some indentation issues. This was probably the worst so far for smushed paragraphs and what not.

Chapter Five: Tasty Grapes and Introspection

I got my creep on, barely able to see outlines of the various ponies in the darkness. My guess that this was a surprise party seemed correct, that is, unless this was an interesting take on an intervention. I slipped past multiple ponies, keeping my breath below audibility as I tried to find a familiar face- er, well, a familiar shape. I bumped into a few people who were further away from the windows or were wearing dark clothing, and eventually got grabbed by a smallish hand.

“Hey, dude! What’re you trying to do, you’re gonna ruin the surprise!” Hissed none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow? Sorry, I was actually trying to find you. Who’s this party for? Is it Twilight or Spike’s birthday or something?” I asked innocently. All I got in response was a loud groan.

She groaned. “Hey, everypony! The jigs up, Max is already in here!” She called out. Someone flicked the lights on and everyone joined Rainbow in standing. Most eyes were on me, making me feel quite nervous.

“Surprise?” I offered sheepishly. I garnered some laughs at my expense, but I still felt rather bad; someone had gone through the trouble of planning this party and I’d gone and fucked it up.

I was too busy trying to make sense of who would throw a party for me when I’d only been here for two days that I didn’t even notice Twilight and Pinkie approaching me.

“Well Max, it would seem that you’re just full of surprises” Twilight stated drily. She looked much better with the small smile she was wearing than with a frown. Her outfit didn’t hurt either, with a long black skirt, pale purple blouse, and a lavender cardigan. She was pulling off the sexy librarian look off quite well.

“How did you even get in here anyway?” Pinkie asked with a sad look on her face. She had cheeks your old Auntie would love; pinchable and plump. “I made sure Twilight locked all the windows this time!”

I looked to Pinkie, then to Twilight. “So you locked all the windows?”

They nodded.

“But not the door to the balcon?.” They looked at each other and Twilight face palmed.

“I really should have thought of that, but why would you even think you had to sneak in?” Twilight inquired

“I wasn’t sure what was going on. Force of habit kicked in and I looked for a different route.”

Twilight tilted her head and looked at me while Pinkie just bounced and smiled “At least you weren’t trying to avoid my party! Rainbow tried to do that once,” Pinkie’s manic smile turned dark. “Once.”

“That’s nice Pinkie, but if you don’t mind, I think I’ll introduce Max to some new ponies.” Twilight excused us from the terror that was Pinkie Pie, though I found her dark side to be admirable; being bright and happy all the time was more worrisome than the Goth chavs that hung around Garland Market.

“So, Max.”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Do you remember promising your assistance earlier?”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Twilight, but I was looking for a job and-”

“Don’t worry Max; I still need your help. I mean, as soon as I heard that Pinkie stopped by yesterday, I knew my experiment was going to have to wait until after the party, so it’s no big deal.”

“Well that works out great! Do you mind if I ask what this experiment is gonna test?” Twilight just grinned at me, leaving me to wonder what she had in store, but if her actions from earlier were any indication, it was going to be a fun night.

Twilight ended up by my side for most of the party, not that I was complaining. The only thing that even slightly annoyed me was the heavy flow of ponies whose names I had little to no chance of remembering. However, I got to introduce Twilight to Onyx, which was nice. Fluttershy was still nervous around me, which was unsurprising, but Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, and an orange mare that wore an American cowboy hat assured me that she was naturally reserved. I believe the orange mare's name was Applejack, but there were many names floating around, so I’d have to ask later.

Something I learned quickly was that Pinkie was excellent at spiking foods and drinks. There was watermelon that had barely tasted like vodka, punch that could have passed at a child’s party and even jelly (I believe Americans call it Jell-o) that hid the burn of alcohol well. Needless to say, many people were completely hammered by the time they left, often supporting one another on their way out. Twilight and I chose to clean up and lessen our workload for tomorrow, though Twilight occasionally slurped a cube of jelly or a bite of watermelon. I doubted that she was in the correct state of mind for any kind of experimentation, but I had maintained a full cup through most of the party myself, so I had no room to talk.

By the time we’d finished cleaning up, I’d forced Twilight to drink three or so large cups of water to mitigate the impending hangover. I, on the hand, drank six because sugar and alcohol don’t mix well and I’d had plenty of both. Unfortunately, this meant many trips to the bathroom for Twilight and more trips to some bushes outside for me, but I can safely say I could still walk a straighter line than the lavender unicorn. She was finishing off the last jelly shot when I came back in from my latest expedition.

“Hey Twi, you good to do that experiment thing?” I slurred. Twilight gave me a drunken smile in return and wobbled her way over to me.

“Sure thing, Max. I have everything we need in the basement!”

I followed her uneven footsteps with my own while we traipsed down the stairs. When we reached the landing, Twilight flipped the light switch and guided me to a large cushioned chair. She sat across from me on its twin, grabbing a clipboard. When she started writing without a pen, she looked at her hand, confused. She giggled like a schoolgirl when she finally found one.

“So Maxxy~” She began. I got the vaguest feeling she was going to have trouble writing. “Humans have some dif-differ-”

“Different?”

“Yes! Yes, different an-anatomy from ponies, right?”

“Yeah, we don’t tend to have fur and our legs end in feet so there’s always that.” I would have given her a snarky remark, but I was feeling nice at the time, so I thought to answer her questions without the power of English Sarcasm (Trademarked by British People Empire)

She asked a few more inane questions about random things before, “Can you stand for me? I wanna take some notes” Twilight asked.

I rose accordingly as Twilight licked her lips. Her eyes were glued to my wiry form, and my eyes were roaming her body. “Would you mind taking your clothes off for me? I’d like to collect more information.”

I don’t know whether it was the alcohol or my longstanding dry streak, but I didn’t need any extra incentive. I stepped behind the chair I’d been sitting in and moved it slightly to the side. I began with my shirt, much to Twilight’s pleasure. My boots were next, with my hidden knives remaining hidden, followed my trousers and drawers. By the time I was done, Twilight was flushed and panting slightly.

“You’re not taking notes, you pervert.” I said, waving a hand at Twilight. She ignored the fuck out of me and approached me.

“You know, for a hairless ting- thing, you’re kinda attractive, Max.”

“You know, for a purple pony thing, you’re pretty sexy yourself, Twi.”

We looked at one another for what felt like hours before I brushed my thumb across Twilight’s cheek and kissed her. I was expecting her to be a bit more proactive. I was not expecting her to stroke my member before slipping me some tongue.

“I’ve read up on love making and the Pony-Sutra,” Twilight licked her lip. “I’ve been wanting to try what I’ve learned since my last estrus” Well that explained a lot. It also opened a whole new can of worms that my inebriated mind couldn’t process, so I ignored it like the European Union ignored Greece.

Twilight started kissing her way down from my neck down to my now erect member, flicking the tip with her tongue before she popped my lower head into her mouth. She tried fellating me to the best of her abilities, but reading only gets you so far, sadly. After the third time she nearly bit me, I was getting nervous about my safety, so I gently withdrew. She looked up at me in confusion for a moment before I gestured for her to stand. I embraced her, kissing her deeply while I whisked the cardigan from her shoulders. Her blouse was the next thing to go, and her skirt soon followed, leaving her in matching black lace/satin undergarments that just barely concealed the goodies underneath. I removed her panties with my teeth for added sexiness, and was rewarded with a lovely view of her moist nether regions.I picked Twilight up by her thighs and she hung on to me. I nearly threw my fucking back out. These ponies weren’t very big, (I hadn’t met one that was taller than me besides Celestia) but they were so fucking dense! Twilight kissed me again and I tried not to pant in her mouth. I set her down on a convenient table that was clear and began one of my favorite things.

I was out of practice in the ways of the cunning linguist, but even as rusty as I was, I had Twilight moaning within in less than five minutes. I thrust my tongue inside of her and teased her clit for added fun. As drunk as I was, I was still aware enough to notice that Twilight tasted a bit like grape squash, if you’d believe it. Of course she wasn’t carbonated, but I swear I could taste alcohol.

Heh, just like back home.

I had barely slipped a second finger into Twilight’s honey pot when a loud moan and a flood of her love juices let me know that she’d came. Flat on her back and panting, I wasn’t sure if Twilight could handle the D. She came back to her senses and look at me with a dazed smile before passing out.

I sighed before getting dressed. I knew some people, not just men, who would happily take the opportunity presented, but doing the bedroom waltz with a sleeping partner had always struck me as a deed tantamount to rape, even if consent was given beforehand. With my morals hopefully guiding me to a decent afterlife, I redressed Twilight as well and barely managed to carry her up the two flights of stairs to her room. Thankfully Spike was at a sleepover, so I didn’t have to worry about him asking hard-to-answer questions. When I dumped Twilight in her bed, I was completely exhausted, more than a little drunk, and a bit more sexually frustrated, so I claimed the other half of her bed as my reward for carrying her heavy arse up there.

Morning came, along with the sun. I heard Twilight mutter curses against the light. My thoughts mimicked hers perfectly. I sat up and started to get out of bed when Twilight gasped.

“M-Max? Um, why are you in my bed?” She asked softly as to not worsen her hangover.

“Remember that experiment you asked me to help with? Well you got it, though I can’t say I’m happy with the end results.”

Twilight turned bright red before the color drained from her face; it was an amusing sight to say the least.

“O-ohmyCelestiadidwe-?”

“No, you passed out after I showed you my skills as a linguist.” I joked. I gave her an easy smile to calm her nerves. “But you were rather eager last night. Having some regrets, maybe?”

Twilight took a massive breath of air and sighed in relief. “Well, you see…”

“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” It wasn’t really a question. The blush I received was all the answer I would have needed anyway.

“W-what? O-of course not! I-I’m over twenty, how c-could I still be-”

“You don’t have to lie, Twilight. You act like I’d judge you for remaining pure.” I never understood why so many virgins were so eager to give that away, or were embarrassed by it.

“Just… Can you not tell anypony? It’s embarrassing to be the only one who hasn’t been with a stallion.”

“No worries, Twilight. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, and I’d like to consider myself a gentleman.”

“I’m not so sure, but if you say so… What did you mean when you said your lingual skills made me ‘pass out’? Are you saying you talked so long I fell asleep?”

“Have you ever heard of a cunning linguist, Twi?”

Recognition dawned upon her face along with another blush. Twilight excused herself and went to prepare for the day with only a mild hangover, thanks to my efforts from last night. I busied myself downstairs with making breakfast for us, when a thought crossed my mind: What the bloody hell was I doing? Ever since I’d arrived in Equestria, I’d never even thought about my friend or my rather worthless family. I’d never even thought about how I got here! All I seemed to be doing was existing, but at the very least I was surviving the best I could which has always been my greatest achievement. It simply worried me that I was so accepting of the whole situation. A world full of talking humanesque ponies, gay river serpents and an immortal Princess who moves the Sun? I believe most people would be at least perturbed, or worried about making a new life. A new life…

Could I begin anew in this strange world? Could I ever go back to England? Back to Wiltshire?

I wasn’t confident in either. With my appetite well and truly obliterated, I left Twilight a note before going on a walk. I remembered passing a bakery on my way to the Lock Pad yesterday, so I decided to make that my first destination, hoping I could force something down. SugarCube corner was a gingerbread house made of non-gingerbread materials. As delicious as it looked, I thought it was kind of gaudy, but it’s not like I had to go there every day. The second I walked through the door, Pinkie was in my face.

“Hiya Max! Didja enjoy the party? What about that experiment with Twilight? Ohh! I know! You need some cake to celebrate after a good party!”

“Uhh. Do you have any muffins?” I eloquently replied.

And then there was muffin.

I don’t even remember sitting down, but there I was, with Pinkie sitting across from me.

“Do you like the muffin?”

I took a bite. It was good, but not great.

“It’s good. Pinkie, why am I sitting?”

“Because you’re not standing silly! And now that you already took a bite-” Pinkie’s expression changed. “Imma need you to pay up. You ain’t stealin’ that muffin.”

I handed Pinkie ten bits out of shock, though she only took two. She passed the rest back to me.

“Glad to know you’ve changed from your thieving ways!” She stated cheerfully, back to nor- Wait, what the fuck?

“Wait, what the fuck!? How do you know about that!?” I tried to keep my voice low, but the panic was still evident.

“I heard you and Mr. Daisy talking about it, silly!”

“We were inside a shop with the best locks in Ponyville.”

“So what was it like being a thief? Was it fun? I bet it wasn’t fun for the ponies you stole from! You should apologize!”

“Pinkie, I’d really rather not talk about my past; It holds nothing but shame for me. Please don’t tell anyone about what you heard, I just want to start over, get a new lease on life.” I was getting desperate at this point. Pinkie was too crazy to count on.

“Well, I guess I can promise not to tell anypony else, but you should give the stuff you took back to its rightful owners!” Hold up, anypony else?

“What do you mean you won’t tell 'anypony else’? Have you-” I was interrupted, but not by Pinkie.

“She told me, partner. And I think ya should know that I ain’t too happy with you hidin’ stuff from us.” The orange mare from last night said.

Pinkie pie spoke up, “See! That’s what I was thinking too, but I think giving the stuff he stole back is more important! You should listen to me and Applejack! Applejack and I?” Pinkie Pie started mumbling to herself about the finer points of grammatical correctness and syntax while I turned to Applejack.

“You’ve got to understand, Applejack, it’s not like I wanted to hide anything from anyone, It’s just that I just want to leave that life behind, back in the past where it belongs.” I explained. Applejack looked like she was cracking, but she wasn’t as close to agreeing with me as I’d like.

“That doesn’t change the fact that what ya did was wrong, Max. Ya stole from innocent ponies!” AJ protested.

I looked at her like she was insane, then barked out a dark laugh. Applejack looked rather surprised. “Please, Applejack. The only innocent person I ever stole from was the man with the most bread on his table. The second I started getting money, dirty money, but money nonetheless, I bought my own food.”

Applejack looked surprised at my mention of stealing things for money, while Pinkie was still muttering to herself. After a minute of staring at me, I finally broke the silence.

“Believe me, if I would have had another choice, I would have taken it. If you were the only person who could feed your family and help your only friend, would you shirk your duties to the people you’re loyal to? Or would you do whatever you had to so your friend and family survive?” I said in a quiet voice. Applejack’s face softened at the mention of my loved ones, but I could still see the distaste for my previous actions in her eyes.

“You make it hard to argue against ya. Don’t mean I approve, but ya have my silence for what it’s worth.”

“Thank you Applejack, that means a lot to me.”

Applejack and Pinkie left me to stew in my thoughts for the time being. Empty time has always been a bad thing for an active mind, and mine was feeling quite active after the events that had occurred. I considered just telling Twilight and her group of friends, but for some reason Fluttershy kept popping up in my mind. I don’t think I could bear telling her about my past, which confused me because I barely knew the girl. Something told me that I should be wary around her, but I didn't know if that was just my uncanny sense for danger or if I was just being paranoid. After all, the girl had been nothing if not pleasant to me the entire time I'd known her. Sure, she was more shy than most, but she still seemed like a good one to me.

I tried to clear the negative thoughts from my head, deciding upon The Carousel Boutique as my second destination of the day. I silently prayed that I wouldn't have to deal with more trouble on my way there.

‘Things like this are why I’m agnostic’ I thought, staring down some sketchy looking fellows I’d never seen. Somehow I’d fallen into old habits and took alleyways as shortcuts on my way across town and ran into The Three Stooges. I wish I were kidding; One was an Earth pony with a curly mane, one was a Pegasus with a bowl cut, and the last looked different from any pony I’d seen before. Its coat was light brown, though its head seemed feathery and white. If I had to call it by name, I would guess that it was a Gryphon or something of the like.

“So, buddy,” Started Larry

“We heard ya done ticked our client off.” Said Moe.

Curly Joe finished with, “Sorry pal, but we gotta rough ya-” He didn’t get any further before I rushed him and threw my most powerful left hook into his liver, sending him straight to the ground.

Larry charged me at the same time Moe did, so I only did what was natural; I stood between them and waited for the right moment to duck. My appreciation for slapstick was well founded as I heard the nasty smack of two empty skulls trading knowledge in the field of pain. I rolled away from where they fell and admired my handiwork. The only real complaint I had was that my hand was aching. I shrugged and turned to leave when I saw the fringes of a grey mane turn a corner. Three guesses as to whom it was, the first two don’t count.

The rest of my way to Rarity’s was void of any noteworthy happenings, thankfully. I arrived in a timely manner, but it would seem that I’d slept longer than I’d thought as it was nearly noon. I walked in to see… Exactly what you’d expect in a boutique. There were clothes that I wouldn’t be caught dead in and dresses that seemed nice. Steps came from a room I’d barely noticed and I tensed up, still feeling my instincts from the fight earlier.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everythi- Oh hello Max! How are you this fine day?”

"Doing just fine. Ran into some trouble on the way over, but it's not like I couldn't handle it." I shrugged.

"I'm sure you're quite the capable stallion." She teased.

"I don't know about the stallion part, but- Wait, actually, I totally do. I'm one Hell of a stallion!" I gave her a cheesy grin, though the true meaning was lost on her.

I spoke to Rarity for awhile, enjoying both her company and the opportunity to drink good tea. She really was a beautiful mare, less so on the inside than out, but beautiful regardless. I left before long, but not without a ridiculous collection of new clothes Rarity had made for me since we met. The volume was completely ridiculous, and I would have doubted that she’d made the explicitly for me if she hadn’t told me. And the fact that everything fit near perfectly. It was an eerie experience to say the least.

An ominous feeling swept over me, shocking my system, almost making me drop the clothes Rarity had given me.

What the bloody fuck am I doing here? Surrounded by these generous, kind people who had known me for less than a week, yet had given me so much more than I ever could have hoped for back ‘home’. My chest felt like it was about to collapse upon itself and tears sprung up in my eyes. How did I know that I wouldn’t betray the kindness shown to me? I held myself together with willpower and trudged my way back to Twilight’s, though my own dark ruminations pounded away at my my mind.

Sometimes thinking just sucks.

Author's Notes:

(A/N)- Sorry for the wait, but I myself was waiting on my editor to get back with me, but no dice. I decided to do it myself, so my apologies if the chapter seems off. Either way, I hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for the next chapter!

Edit: I remember my editor. Guy's been out of the picture since before I picked the story back up, but he was cool while he lasted. Fixed some formatting and added some dialogue. Not much changed.

Chapter Six: Giving Hugs and The Feels

As much as I’d have liked to take my time getting back to Twilight’s, my naturally long strides didn’t afford me much time for my on-the-go meditation. I sighed to myself, lamenting the amount I was most likely going to end up drinking to rid myself of these pestilent thoughts. I couldn’t help but wonder if Pinkie or Applejack would betray their silence, but all I could do was trust that they would keep their word, which bothered me since I don't make a habit of passing out trust to strangers. As I was lost in thought, I’d managed to take the main roads of Ponyville back to the Treebrary.

I set a few bags down so I could open the door. I never quite got that far, seeing as how Twilight blew the door open with magic and charged straight into my chest. Luckily, her horn wasn’t a terribly sharp. Unluckily, she was short, dense and had been going faster than I’d thought a bookworm could move, so I landed flat on my back with a ridiculously heavy purple unicorn straddling me. Twilight rubbed her head and I could feel myself growing angry as she got up and charged off, not even checking if I was okay. I rose and looked off angrily in the direction she’d left in. Fucking ponies, man.

After I shifted all my new shit into the room I slept in, I decided to go on a walk. Preferably a long walk. I checked my boots to see if my knives were secure and was satisfied; they tended to get a little loose after awhile, so regular checks were a part of a routine I’d gotten out of since coming to Equestria. I decided to ignore my new clothes until I came back because it wasn't like they were going anywhere.

I walked around Ponyville instead of through this time so I could further build my mental map. Once on the exact opposite side of town, I saw a tiny cottage on the edge of that enormous forest that was the Everfree. Half of the things I’d read in that bestiary were compiled from expeditions in the Everfree. When I say ‘compiled’ I mean a fuckton of Ponies have gone in, made a small amount of progress, recorded what they saw, and got the hell out as soon as possible, so there aren’t any comprehensive or in depth studies about that damn forest. Apparently, the forest also changes over time so few of the maps in that place are accurate, and that’s not even mentioning that the Everfree has the highest concentration of Chimeras, Manticores, Cockatrices and just about any other dangerous Greek Mythological creature you could imagine. As I understood it, the Pony living there either had to be completely and irrevocably stupid, or have a pair of the biggest, shiniest titanium balls out there.

I found my next destination in that cabin, though I wasn't sure what was going to be there.

It wasn’t a terribly far walk, just a kilometer or so away. I made great time, even for me. As I approached, I noticed an abundance of small furry creatures scampering about, birds chirping cheerfully, and a few larger animals just relaxing in the shade. The atmosphere surrounded this peaceful little cottage felt like it was permeating through my skin, deep into my bones, breaking down every emotional barrier I’d managed to erect to protect myself from betrayal and the strife of being broke and desperate. I… I felt cleansed, free from every sin I’d committed in my life. Free from the memories that that bastard Chief had forced into my body, free from the guilt of letting Max and my mother down… The closest thing I think that could I could liken it to would be finding God and repenting for your crimes, but different, somehow.

Before I could even register the influx of purity that was wrecking my emotional barricades, there was a bear laying to the right me, a big black dog lying on my left side, something soft under my head (which turned out to be a fox) and a menagerie of weasels, ferrets, and the occasional wild cat covering most of my body. My eyes felt dry like I’d been crying and I was on the ground for some reason. I don’t remember lying down or crying, so I’m sure I must have blacked out because of the repressed emotions that welled up in my psyche, but none of that explains why I was surrounded by predators. I figured that lying down for awhile longer wouldn’t hurt anyone; after all, the animals were all soft and warm. I felt like I’d barely closed my eyes when I heard a certain someone’s characteristic feather soft voice.

“O-oh my!” exclaimed Fluttershy, “M-Max? Why are you sleeping on Mr. Foxy? And Bearett? And-”

“To be honest with you, Fluttershy, I have absolutely no clue. I was walking towards a cabin near here to see who lived there. Next thing I know I’m on the ground covered in animals.”

“O-oh. Are you okay? D-do you need a-any help?”

“I wouldn’t mind being able to stand. I don’t really wanna disturb them though”

“Y-you won’t. They’re all awake...”

At Fluttershy's mention of their conscious state, I heard about a dozen groans of various timbres and the animals that were on me scurried over the larger fellows that were around me. After my body was cleared of fuzz, I sat up, turned around and looked Fluttershy in the eyes. It was hard to tell her expression since half of her face was covered by her hair, but I could feel that she was concerned for some reason.

The bear lumbered away after nudging me with its head, which I returned by rubbing it’s ears. The fox and I nodded to each other. I’m pretty sure the animals around here are sentient, if not sapient, which is pretty cool. I expected the massive dog to follow, but when I stood, it just stuck to my side. Upon closer investigation, I found out that I had been sleeping next to one of the most handsome wolves I’d ever seen. I may have been a bit startled by this fact, but I reasoned that if it hadn’t eaten me while I was out cold crying like a baby, it probably wouldn’t eat me now. Still, I had to know one thing.

“So, Fluttershy, what brings you to this neck of the woods? Are you visiting too?”

“U-um… A-actually I live here… That’s my house…” She said, pointing to the cottage. I should have known; the whole place had a Fluttershy-esque vibe to it, now that I wasn’t being assaulted by repressed emotions.

“Your house?” She nodded. “I’m guessing you like animals.” Another nod. “Can I ask why you keep a bear and a wolf as company?”

Fluttershy blushed. “W-well… I found Bearett as a cub and kept him here until we could find his mother,” Fluttershy looked sad for a moment, casting a glance toward the shade where Bearett had settled, “I-I found her…” She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Lupa found me a few years ago when I was lost in the forest, looking for Chippy the Chipmunk. I-I got attacked by a Teumessian Fox-”

“A what now?” I cut in.

“ A-a Teumessian Fox… One of Mr. Foxy’s relatives…” She clarified. She looked to me nervously before I caught the hint and gestured for her to continue. I could feel Lupa lying down against my leg.

“L-Lupa jumped in and saved me… She followed me back and she’s been with me ever since…”

I looked down to the aforementioned wolf with more than a little respect. If the animals here were, in fact, sentient, then Lupa knew the risks of fighting. I could appreciate the nobility of such an action.

“Wow, seems like you were lucky Lupa stepped in, Flutters”

Fluttershy made the most adorable sound I’ve heard. I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m calling it a squee.

“I-I know… M-Max? W-why are you h-h-hugging me?”

“Because you’re adorable. And soft, but mostly adorable.”

“O-oh.”

I didn’t really know why I was hugging her, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy it. As little time as I’ve spent around her, I really liked Fluttershy.

“M-Max?”

“Yes, Fluttershy?”

“Did Twilight already t-tell you about the picnic?”

I let her go and shook my head, confused. “Last time I saw Twilight, she was running off somewhere after running me over.”

“O-oh… I’m sure she was very sorry.”

I put on my most ‘yeah, right’ face and Fluttershy looked abashed. I told her not to worry about it and chatted with her for awhile. She invited me in for tea, which was delicious, though this woman really needs some social experience; I basically ended up telling her the most pleasant stories of my past and asking her questions about some of the animals I’d seen. Lupa had followed us in and was chilling next to me when Fluttershy spoke up.

“Hey, Max…”

“Yes?”

“Have you ever had a pet?” Lupa’s ears perked up. I knew where this was going already.

“I don’t think I could take care of Lupa the way she deserves at Twilight’s, Flutters.”

Fluttershy looked surprised and Lupa’s ears fell back. They were both disappointed with my with my statement, but there wasn’t really much I could do: I’d have to ask Twilight before I even thought of bringing an animal into her home.

“W-well.. Do you think you could maybe ask Twilight if it’d be okay?” I think Fluttershy reads minds…

I promised her I would and finished up my visit. Lupa followed me to the door, but stayed inside with Fluttershy. The picnic was actually around noon tomorrow so I could go home and just relax…
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hate it when things don’t go my way.

When I stepped into the library, I caught an eyeful of big, bouncy breasts. I looked up to see Celestia glaring down at me.

“Afternoon, Celestia. How’s it going?”

“YOU DESPOILED MY STUDENT!” I could feel my bones vibrate.

“Kinda, but not really, unless you count oral as sex.” I was used to authority pressing their power on my neck. I don’t crack easily these days.

“Oh, is that all? The way Twilight described it, it sounded like you took advantage of her in her intoxication.” Someone calms down quickly.

“Nope, she came onto me all night. You should’ve seen her try to blow me; Bit me like, three times!”

“Three? I’m not surprised, but I would think you would have stopped her after the second.”

“I was tempted, but I figured third time’s the charm. I was wrong, but at least I got her to Nirvana before she passed out.”

“So you didn’t have sex with her?”

“Nope. If she was awake, I probably would have though.”

“...Such morals are usually lost on drunken stallions and mares alike. I’ve the funniest feeling that you’re a respectable fellow.”

“I try. So what exactly did Twilight say that made me look like a rapist?”

Celestia explained that Twilight had only told her that I’d done illicit things to her while we were intoxicated, but passed out after an orgasm. She remembered waking up in bed with a funny feeling between her legs, but not something she was familiar with. Basically, If Twilight hadn’t seemed so terrified as she was talking, Celestia would have thought nothing of it. As It was, Celestia sighed heavily and shook her head.

“I’m not sure if you should continue living here, Max… Perhaps you’d like a space of your own?” Celestia questioned.

"Yes!" I blurted out as soon as she finished her sentence. Having a house of my own was my goddamn dream!

Celestia looked at me. She was wearing an amused smile before she wrote out a note and magicked it away.

“Come, Max. We will walk to the Town Hall!”

And so we did, talking about random things the entire way, ranging from foreign affairs to our favorite jokes, and more than a few thinly veiled innuendos. It was fun to be able to flirt so shamelessly without the other party getting the wrong idea, and it didn’t hurt that Celestia was attractive for a woman her height anyway. The way she let those hips sway certainly had me jotting down ‘cold shower’ on my to-do list, and the way her breasts jiggled incited more than a few jokes about two extra suns. Celestia in turn all but invited me into her bed after we’d cleared up everything that had happened between Twilight and I. She had a surprisingly open mind for a woman a few thousand years my senior, and a sense of humor to boot! Cougars weren’t really my thing, but I think I could make an exception for Miss Sun Princess if she asked.

We arrived at the Town Hall and I held the door for Celestia because I’m nice, not because I’m some fuckhead fedora. She gave me a small smile and held the door open with magic, making me feel rather foolish for trying to be polite.

“Well thanks for letting me hold the door, Sunshine. Not like I was trying to be polite or anything.” I said jokingly

“You just wanted an excuse to be behind me, you pervert.” Celestia replied with more than a little mirth. Once we were around more ponies, however, her demeanor changed from fun, flirty, and free to restrained, polite, and matronly. It was odd to see such a transition, but the job of a good ruler usually requires a good mask. Or, at least, that’s what the books I’ve read have told me.

Celestia told me to wait outside a random room she walked into, and I obliged. A few minutes passed and I was dragged into the Mayor’s office where I was formally introduced to Mayor ‘Mare’, a name I found completely ridiculous. I kept this opinion to myself, needless to say.

What I had been invited in to discuss would actually be where I’d like to live. There were plenty of nice combination homes, apartments, and small houses, which was completely shocking in a town so small. I weighed my choices and picked a house that had been constructed close to the Whitetail Woods, a pleasant little forest that was inhabited by Deer and some of Fluttershy’s other animals. We exchanged pleasantries for a while longer before Celestia yawned and excused us from the company of the mild middle-aged mare.

“So, Max.”

“Yes, Celestia?”

“You can count this as a favor; I plan on ‘cashing in’ as it were, on a favor in turn later.” She stated matter of factly.

“Of course Celestia, I didn’t expect a free house with no strings attached. Speaking of which, when can I move in?”

“You could go now, if you’d like, though I’ll have movers fill the place with some appropriate furniture come tomorrow. You may choose to stay with Twilight for the time being if you don't like the idea of sleeping on a hard floor.” She chuckled.

“...As much as I’d like to stay in the home of someone who painted me as a rapist, I think I’ll take my chances at my new flat.”

Celestia walked me home, because she apparently knew where everything was everywhere just by peeking at a map. When my house came into view, my heart skipped a beat: It was small, enough space for two, but most certainly not a palace. I saw the wide expanse of land that encompassed the surrounding area and the adequate distance from the Whitetail Woods. Needless to say, I was absolutely overjoyed. I shared my joy with Celestia through hug power!

“Never met another princess, but you are, by far, the best!” I said from the confines of her voluptuous bosom, not that I had placed myself there, of course.

“I imagine I would be, seeing as how I’m the only one you know. Now, as nice as that feels, I doubt you’d want to satisfy the desires of ol’ Granny Celestia” She said with heavy sarcasm and a roll of her eyes.

I saw a shot and I took it.

“Granny? With a body like yours, I most certainly wouldn’t, nay, couldn’t call you granny!” I said from betwixt her fluffy fun bags.

“Oh? Then what would you call me?”

“Milf.” I grinned.

Celestia looked at me for a moment before I jumped away, prepared to run if I saw any sign of aggression. I never got the chance, because she’d caught me before I’d touched the ground. Magic is overpowered, and rather unfair, but that’s coming from a fellow who was being stared down by a princess while floating helplessly in her grasp. Celestia approached me slowly to build tension, but I was expecting little more than a tongue lashing for going a bit too far, so I can’t say I was terribly nervous. I took the time to observe her shapely figure, unhindered by the modest white evening gown with golden jewelry that she adorned. Her sizable bust outclassed Fluttershy’s by a wide margin, and I knew from earlier that very day that her posterior was quite nice as well. On top of her stacked figure, she had beauty to beat the finest supermodels I’d ever seen, so I can safely say that I’d meant everything I’d said that night.

When Celestia covered the small amount of ground she’d created, I was still at boob height. She levitated me a bit higher so she could look me in the eye. Her magenta eyes met my own forest green ones.

“Lovely night isn’t it? Feels like you’re floating on the breeze~” I quipped.

“...That was awful, but cute. You’re also far too young for me, so you may do well to remember that I’m older than your great great grandmother.”

“I doubt my Gram would ever look anything like you do at your age. To me, you still look young and ready for a night on the town!” I replied with a winning smile.

“You’re lucky I need to get back to Canterlot, or I’d make you live up to your little flirts.” Celestia dropped me and teleported away. Meanwhile, I was on the ground, confused and slightly shocked. I had either just been threatened by Celestia or propositioned for future fun times. One of those terrified me. I chose to pick myself up and begin further investigation of my new home.

I unlocked the door, walked inside, and flipped the lights on. I wasn’t expecting much, seeing as how it wasn’t terribly large, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t massive on the inside! There was a large living room that extended slightly into the kitchen with space to spare, and a deck on the side of the house I hadn’t seen. I was going to check the deck out later, after I finished looking around the inside of my new home. The rest was interesting; the master bedroom was large enough for a small party, the bathroom had a bathtub large enough for a fellow like myself to lie down in and be completely submerged, and the guest bedroom was quaint. Quite frankly, I was shocked that all of this space was mine. I didn’t even check out the master bathroom, but I figured it’d be large anyway.

Still slightly in shock, I wandered my way back to Twilight’s. I really didn’t want to go, but my things were still there and Celestia’s movers would be there in the morning, so it’d be best to stay out of their way. I was going to have a few words with Twilight about syntax and her choice of diction. When I got there, Twilight apologized vehemently for almost getting me killed or arrested, though I was too busy being pissed to listen to her.

A few hours later and I was resting peacefully in my house after giving Twilight a lecture on the error of her ways. Evidently, she would make a great sub because she sat there and took it like a cheap hooker, but with three times as much shame on her face. When I finished, she’d burst into tears and begged my forgiveness, which I gave without hesitation; her sincerity was adequate reason to not hold a grudge, so I considered it a matter of the past, as long as she promised not to folly her words in such a manner for a second time.

Spike was watching in confusion while I berated her using acidic jabs rather than outright shouting, and really had no clue as to what we were talking about. I felt awful at that point; the scene that had occurred reminded me of the days of my youth, when my mother used to yell at my father in a drunken rage and he sat there and tried to calm her down to avoid waking me up. I remember watching them go at it for hours… This happened for years, up until the night my mother finally lived up to all those threats she had made. I was seven when my mom killed my dad. I doubt she really knew what she was doing, but it doesn’t change the fact that she stole my protector from me. That… I’m pretty sure that is what caused me to become a modern thief. I had to steal to feed us, even though I hated her for what she did, I had to provide for us. Even before Maxwell came into the picture.

I reflected on my memories as I lay on the hardwood floor of my new place, thinking of worse times and better days. I hated that I tortured myself over things that I couldn't control, but there was precious little in life that one could manipulate most days. I thought of my old home and worried about my new one, though I did my best to rationalize my evil brain-thinking away.

There goes my restful night.

Author's Notes:

(A/N)- Sorry about the late update, but with a break-up, writer's block, and other bullshit, there wasn't much time or motivation to write. Also, having an editor on a 3 hour time difference makes a pretty annoying obstacle. Anyways: Here it is! Chapter 6! Reviews are appreciated, and Chapter 7 will be done before the end of the month.

Edit: I remember that breakup. Fuck that slaw ass hoe, and fuck me for being a dumbass. Age and hindsight make one wiser, however, and I don't even live in the same state anymore.

Fixed some indentation and added a few words here and there. Fixed myself a plothole while I was at it, so high five.

Chapter Seven: #Rekt And Secrets Of The Past

My back hurt like Hell when I heard the movers start bringing random furnishings into my flat. Me being paranoid from years of experience, I was on my feet with my favorite dirk in my right hand and a rather shitty throwing knife in my left. The bright green stallion holding a night stand in front of him met my black look with an indifferent shrug. He headed down the shortish hallway that lead to the guest room, loo, and the master- well, my room. I still have to get used to actually having a room after so long.

I stowed my knives back in their respective sheaths and took a deep breath. Erratic panting was coming from the aforementioned hallway, so I rushed over to see what the hell was going on. Apparently I’d scared the poor bastard, made clear by the wideness of his eyes, and the clutching of his chest. He looked at me and we waved simultaneously, neither of us really sure what to do in the situation. I, being a socially savvy Renaissance Man, spoke up first.

“Need a hand with anything?”

“Y-yeah… J-just head outside,” He took a deep breath to calm himself, “The boss will tell you what to put where, unless you want it somewhere else, I guess.”

I nodded in response and spent the rest of my morning moving shit into my place.

It was about ten in the morning when we started and close to one by the time we finished, which meant I was late for my picnic. Thankfully, I still had enough sense to shower after sweating for two hours, but it cut into my time even further, which left me rushing to to town. I jogged there, but in the summer heat, I really wasn't trying to sweat before joining a group of mostly attractive women for a bite to eat. I slowed down a bit and warred with myself over whether it was better to show up late or to show up sweaty, but I ended up picking late because I was wearing new clothes.

Sadly, Twilight and most of her friends didn’t share the sentiment. I strolled onto the green with a grin cheesier than cheddar, which fell when I saw just how much the girls disagreed with my jovial mood.

“You’re late, Max. I really thought you would have had more class, darling! Fashionably late is one thing, outright tardiness is another!” Rarity chided.

“Rares’ is right, Max, ya should be more punctual, if ya will. You’ve kept us waiting so long, Pinkie passed out from boredom!” Applejack added.

Twilight was about to put her two bits in when I held up a hand to stall her.

“Sorry, girls, I really am. I assure you, I’m a much more organized fellow, I just lost track of time, waking up to movers bringing my furniture and getting lost on the way here. As much as I-” Was as far as I got before the most obnoxious of them chimed in.

“OHMIGOSHMAXDIDYOUGETAHOUSETHAT’SSOCOOLCANISEEIWANNA-” Pinkie was thankfully silenced by some magic from Twilight and Rarity, giving me a bit of time to speak. Well, time to not want to cover my ears and smack my head against a tree.

“Oh, so you’ve gotten a new house? I remember The Princess mentioning something to that effect in passing, but I wasn’t paying that much attention, to be completely honest.” Twilight looked ashamed by that admission, probably because she didn’t give her full attention to her loving mistress, but it’s no problem of mine.

“Yup. Celestia thought that I might need some space of my own, get away from a certain someone so no more misinformation almost gets me vaporized.” I showed Twilight the most withering scowl that I could conjure up. It wasn’t terribly intense, seeing as how I was in a great mood, but still a rather impressive one if I do say so myself.

Twilight looked ashamed again, probably remembering the lecture from last night. Before anyone could comment, though, Spike chimed in with something no one had really given thought to.

“Hey Max, why do you sometimes say ‘someone’ or ‘somebody’ instead of ‘anypony’ or ‘some pony’?”

“Well, are you a Pony? If you are, you’re pretty ugly for a Pony.” I sniped. I liked Spike, but an easy opportunity is the backbone of pointed humor.

“Hey! Just because I’m not a Pony doesn’t mean you can call me ugly!”

“I didn’t call you ugly. Hell, you might be the most handsome Dragon around. I just said you’re ugly for a Pony.”

Spike started leaking smoke out of his nose, so I figured the best way to not get turned into toast would be to answer his question.

“Listen mate, I just said it to emphasize the fact that other races besides ponies are out there. We’re both good examples, and so are the Gryphons, Cats, Dogs and of course, whatever else I haven’t read up on. Frankly, ‘anypony’ is kinda racist if you think about it.”

Spike looked like he was in deep thought, but maybe my opinion was skewed due to the smoke still pouring out. I glanced toward Twilight and her gang of rainbow pals and they were mimicking Spike's look of cognitive labor. Looks like I dug myself out of a pit, there. High five for me! They seemed to brush off the matter soon enough, snapping out of their stupor. They started talking amongst themselves about the subject; however, Fluttershy didn’t appear very eager to join in. I took a seat next to Fluttershy and asked her how she felt about being a racist.

“W-well… I know Iron Will was looking at me funny whenever I said anypony around him…” Fluttershy hugged herself, almost disappearing into the folds of the oversized green blazer she was wearing.

“You know I said that to take everyone’s minds off me, right?” I whispered to her. “I doubt most of you Ponies would treat any other race differently, just a bit of nationalism in your vernacular, right?” I said a bit louder. The others turned their attention on me for a moment and sighed in relief. I didn’t know they took racism so seriously in Equestria, good lord!

The rest of the picnic was going well until Rarity had to open her fucking mouth and ruin my good day.

“So darling, what did you do before you came to Equestria? In… England, I believe you called it?” She asked with a dainty smile.‘Reflexes, don’t fail me now!’

“Actually, I was a locksmith, just like I am now,” I replied smoothly, “It’s funny how some things just don’t change.”

I saw the pitch black look I was getting from Applejack, but I was even more afraid of turning to see Pinkie with a hatchet or something. That woman is not very sane, and she scares me more than being arrested. When you’re arrested a few times, it’s not so scary, I believe. You get used to it. Rarity, Twilight and Rainbow asked a few questions about how locksmithing worked, and with my vast knowledge of picking locks, I was able to make up some pretty convincing tales. Fluttershy started to stutter out a question before Applejack interrupted. I, in turn cut off Applejack, citing that Fluttershy had been ready to ask a question. I gestured for the buttery mare to continue.

“M-Max? You shouldn’t lie to our friends…” She eventually mumbled. I was fucking thunderstruck for a second before I caught my balance, a mask of calm easily maintained over my internal panic.

“What do you mean, Flutters? I don’t believe I’ve lied about anything so far, unless I’ve missed something about serrated wafers. Never was too good with those. I’m surprised you have any knowledge on the subject, though! Full of surprises, aren’t you, love?”

Fluttershy blushed lightly while Applejack… Well, if looks could kill, I’d be on a cross with every hole filled with razors. “T-that’s not what I mean… I-I w-was talking ab-bout your past l-life, t-the one as a… W-Well…” Fluttershy took a deep breath and steeled herself. “Your life as a thief! You shouldn’t lie to us about it Max!” She shouted at a conversational volume, deafening by Fluttershy’s standards.

“Well shit. No point in trying to keep my past out of my present if you’re gonna bring it up.” I spat out. Fluttershy looked abashed and more timid than ever. Applejack and Rainbow Dash got to their feet as quickly as I did. Applejack was about to start yelling before I laid into her.

“Oh don’t you fucking start, miss ‘I keep my word’, miss ‘you have my silence’! If Fluttershy didn’t say anything, you were going to, and don’t you dare fucking deny it! You’re about as honest as I am, or you would be if I tried to ruin someone’s’ shot at a new life, away from the sins of their past!” Applejack lost some of the fire in posture, but I couldn’t care less.

“Who the buck do you think you are, talking to our friends like that!?” Rainbow yelled at me.

“I think I’m nine levels of fucking done. Why should I be friends with people who can’t even let sleeping dogs lie?” I started to march off before I heard heavy, furious steps coming from behind.

In an all too well practiced motion, I reached down with my right hand, grabbed my dirk and smashed the pommel into poor Rainbow’s chin. Her lights were out before she fell back into Pinkie’s arms. I don’t know where Pinkie came from, but it made me happy I hadn’t put my dirk away. I almost sheathed it, though. I almost turned around and apologized, begged for forgiveness. I wish that I would have, but my heart was filled with rage and the pain of betrayal. I just continued on my way to my new home.

Nothing happened on my way home, which I’m very grateful for; it was bad enough that I’d clocked one of my so-called friends, but to knock a stranger out because I felt like it? Wouldn’t work out too well for me in the end, I figured, so I resigned myself to spending my fury in my own home. At least no one knew exactly where I lived quite yet, so I’d have time to brood to my heart’s content.

I didn’t get much time to myself, to my chagrin. I’d thrown myself onto a big navy blue loveseat and calmed down enough to think rationally again when I heard a throaty bark ring out against the door to the porch that faced the woods. I had the funniest feeling that I already knew the mammal who could have timed their arrival so perfectly. Lo and behold, Lupa was waiting patiently for me to get off my angsty bum and welcome her in. When I opened the sliding glass door, however, I realized that it may have been enough time for Fluttershy to relay the afternoon’s events to her animal pals. Lupa was one of those animal pals. Lupa was very close to Fluttershy.

And I had a snarling she-wolf on my chest before the door was all the way open. I don’t know if it was her ocean blue eyes that seemed to glimmer with sentience, or the fact that canines were rather intelligent creatures in general, but I could swear that she was saying ‘You fucked with the Alpha. If you weren’t Beta, you’d be carrion’

“I shouldn’t have snapped at Fluttershy, granted, but if she already knew about my past, how could she think I’d want that following me around?” I asked. I’m going insane. That or I turned into one of those weird folks who talked to their pets.

She stopped snarling, but I knew that she wouldn’t forgive me until I spoke with Fluttershy, and I was pretty sure Fluttershy wouldn’t even think about forgiving me until I apologized to Rainbow Dash. It was going to be a long day. Lupa got off of me when I got the gist of what I had to do, and followed me when I left to go do it. I still had my knives on me, but I resolved myself to taking whatever punishment Rainbow was going to dish out. After hours of asking around, I found out that Rainbow was holed up at one of the local farms, Sweet Apple Acres. Luckily, it was only a few kilometers from town. Unluckily, Applejack lived there. Did I say it was going to be a long day?

It took me a negligible amount of time to get to Sweet Apple Acres. I walked down the dirt road leading to the farm itself when I was intercepted by a tall red stallion, who looked like he could rip me in half with few to no problems. We looked at each other and I got real scared. He lumbered towards me, hands curled into fists, ready to bring down the pain. Does it count if I use my knives to stab this guy? He looks like he hurts people, and I don’t like getting hurt.

“You’re the one who hurt Rainbow.” The Red Hulk stated.

“Came by to apologize.” I replied.

He was silent for a minute.

“Ya know if I don’t get ya, AJ will.”

“No offense, but I’d rather take my chances with Applejack.”

“....They’re in the farmhouse. You pull any funny business…” He ground his knuckles together, driving his point home.

I walked ahead of him so he could keep an eye on me the entire way to the farmhouse. I wasn’t really okay with that, but my opinion doesn’t really matter in the issue. Lupa looked on the situation with some amusement and I made a mental note to slip some chili’s in whatever I fed her. All too soon, I knocked on the rickety farmhouse door with the big red guy breathing down my neck, drilling holes into the back of my head. I really just wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, but patience is a virtue I have to muster from time to time.

Applejack answered the door. She looked at me for a few moments before she cocked her arm back and threw a rocket punch straight into my ribs.

Now, I’ve broken bones before, but I don’t believe I’ve felt them shatter before. I wobbled back and collapsed, barely able to draw breath through the Hellish blazes of pain that rampaged inside. I didn’t stand a chance at blocking or dodging the kick she threw next, breaking my left arm like a twig. Someone must have been looking out for me in heaven, or maybe had just taken pity on me, seeing as how I blacked out moments later.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Waking up in hospitals sucks bollocks. Disorientation, realization, then blinding pain once you try to move out of panic. It’s really just one of the most unpleasant scenes one can find themselves in. Of course, with my luck, I got to skip the latter two of the ‘Waking-Up-In-The-Hospital-Triumvirate’ as I was heavily sedated and could barely understand the nurse who was speaking to me. As it was, I understood that I had at least five broken ribs, a useless arm unless it could be fixed by powerful magic (It could only be healed so far by any of the unicorns at the hospital), a cracked femur, and a few missing teeth. In other words, I’d had my arse handed to me on a platinum platter covered in satin doilies. I could only wonder what would have happened if the big red chap had gone to town on me as well.

I used the week I was incapacitated in the hospital to do some serious thinking about the events of that day. In fact, I started back on my journal, catching up on previous days with my good hand, despite it not being the dominant one, and even formulated an apology for Fluttershy and Rainbow, despite the fact that both of them were in the wrong. I hoped the one for Rainbow sounded sincere enough, but I’m not terribly sure if I cared very much at that point; the twat did try to sneak me, after all. The one that was destined for Fluttershy, however, was completely genuine in its intents. I shouldn’t have blown up at her the way I did, but she shouldn’t have spread my business in such a way, especially such an important secret.

Between writing, coming up with apologies, and feeling the pain like no other, I spent my time talking to Lupa who never seemed to leave my side for long. I'd always like dogs, but could never have one due to lack of a home for the past decade or so. I looked forward to the end of my magical treatment so we could relax in my- well, our home.

Early on Sunday morning, I got a visit from the best Princess I know. I would have given her a lovely, boob filled hug, but with my left arm out of commission, I had to settle for a pleasant enough one-armed hug. Celestia gave me a sad smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“You bucked up, Max.”

“I feel I was justified in my actions. Most of them, at least. Also, how did Applejack manage to do so much damage so fast?”

Celestia sighed and rubbed her temples with both hands. “To answer your question, your bones are about half as dense as the average Earth Pony's, give or take a few percentages or so. You’re quite lucky Rainbow Dash stopped her when she did, or Applejack would have a murder on her hands. We think alike, Max, but we do not act alike. I understand that you wished to keep your past of larceny in the past, and that Fluttershy disrespected that wish-”

“I’m still wondering how she even knew! And why would Rainbow of all people stop her from wrecking my face?” All thoughts of bone density were cast aside.

“Rainbow is a loyal pony. Even if you were at odds, she most likely felt guilty about attacking you from behind, but didn’t anypony tell you? Rainbow was the one who carried you here after the incident. As it was explained to me, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight were quite understanding when the whole story was presented, though Rainbow wants a rematch. And apparently Fluttershy was in Sugarcube Corner the whole time and overheard your conversation.”

Well, at least I wouldn’t have to apologize to Rainbow, but now I owed her my gratitude… I can do gratitude, but how much do I owe someone who literally saved my life? I resolved to figure that out later.

“...I’m assuming Fluttershy heard me plead to Applejack and Pinkie to keep it quiet."

Celestia fell silent again. I could feel myself growing angry with Fluttershy at this point. Not only had she violated my privacy, but she’d known that I didn’t want my past in the present in the first place! Fuck that apology, Fluttershy had better be ready for a taste of my fury.

“ I know what you’re thinking. Nothing good could ever come from that, Max.”

“It’d make me feel better. Even if it was only for a few minutes, it’d be worth it right now.”

We both glanced to the cast that encased my left arm and dominant hand. Moving was troublesome to say the least, but I never used my left arm after the first three times I’d passed out after trying to move it. At the very least, my leg and ribs were in better shape, allowing me to be more mobile. God bless magical doctors.

“You’re not staying in Ponyville with that mindset. You have the rest of today to make a list of what you need from your home; You’re coming to Canterlot.”

“The capital? What the hell is Canterlot supposed to do? And what about Lupa? She’s more mad at Applejack than me right now, and I doubt she’d think twice about wiping Applejacks dog off of the face of the Earth if it got in her way.”

“In Canterlot, I’ll be able to keep a closer eye on you and ensure your recovery. I could probably fix your arm after a few days, if we go slowly. Lupa will be coming with you of course; We can’t have her scaring the medical staff any longer, nor eating poor Winona.”

“You just want me in Canterlot to look at my ass, don’t you? You’re such a cougar, Celestia.” I replied sarcastically. I was already resigned to going to Canterlot, and having Lupa there with me would be quite the boon. I could probably stop by Twilight’s and explain any holes in the situation if I needed to, and of course, try to find Rainbow.

Celestia rolled her eyes at my shenanigans, “Of course. You have quite the muscular bottom, and of course your butter sharp wit is a plus”

“I’ll have you know my wit is at least as sharp as cheddar!”

“Yes, yes, cheese and all that. Gather your things; we leave at seven”

It was about three, so I had plenty of time to do my errands. I took my time because I felt like it and my leg and ribs still hurt from the half-assed healing, but I was still going close to my normal gait despite the jarring pain that flared from time to time. It wasn’t as if the Treebrary was terribly far from the hospital either, so I only spent about fifteen minutes on my walk. Upon arrival at the Treebrary, I had just laid a hand on the doorknob when suddenly door! For the umpteenth time, I was on my back, but this time, I was winded and in immense pain.

So much for that leisurely stroll I was hoping for.

“Oh buck, Sorr- Max?” Came Rainbow’s tomboyish rasp.

“Pain. Arm. Dying.” I gasped out through the tears threatening to burst from my eyes.

“Oh yeah, AJ broke that pretty bad, didn’t she? I’d feel worse, but you did crack a few teeth, you buckhead.”

“Sorry,” A gasp, “Banter later.”

When I got my breath back, Rainbow escorted me inside where I sat and talked to her and Twilight, relaying the entire story to them without interruption. Pinkie and Applejack had already given them most of the story, but my half filled in some key details that were mainly insight to why I was so mad about the ordeal. Once I finished, I was hugged by Twilight and received a brofist from Rainbow, both promising to not judge me for my past life. I was… Touched, by their reactions before I was told that Onyx Lock had fired the fuck out of me for missing so much work, though the position would be open to me once I’d healed up.

I left after a few sips of tea and was followed back home by none other that Lupa and Foxy the fox, both trotting on each side of me like an honor guard of the furry variety. Nothing eventful happened on the way to my house where I gathered my miscellaneous shit. Lupa waited outside to continue her escort which made me smile. Thankfully, there was a dentist who did hospital visits, so my pearly whites were looking alright, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was a dark cloud looming over me on my way back to Celestia.

Author's Notes:

(A/N)- Sorry the chapter took so long, but I writer's block is a bitch and a half. I had the chapter basically done, but it needed some work in areas that I hopefully provided.

As always, reviews are much appreciated!

P.S- Thanks to TheScrollChaser for pointing out some plot holes; Much appreciated

Edit: Thank God I stopped using those pony emoji bullshits. Fixed some indentation issues and added a few mores words while clipping out some unimportant shit that eventually turned into plot holes. At least my shit is better now.

Chapter Eight: Confessions

As I’m writing this, I can’t help but feel like I could have done something to make the past couple of days go by smoother. Regardless, a fellow has to deal with the hand he’s dealt; thus is the life of a criminal, even as they try to reform.

Before I start complaining about my luck, I’d like to record the events of my first couple of days in Canterlot, after Celestia teleported us into the cesspool of nobility that is the Equestrian Capital. I’d finished my third walk around the castle grounds to familiarize myself with the layout. Unfortunately, I’d had no time nor the inclination to go into the city itself, but with my left arm still heavily bandaged, I didn't feel terribly safe going into an unknown place without being combat ready anyways. By the time the sun had set, I’d had an adequate mental map of the place and was on my way to meet Celestia and her sister, Luna, for dinner/breakfast. I found it peculiar that they had such a system, seeing as how Celestia would no doubt take the brunt of any political issues and Luna would have little to do throughout the relatively calm nights. My time in Ponyville had shown me that crime was rare, malicious crime even more so, but, I digress.

The royal dining room was easy to find seeing as how I’d ended up there three or so times during my first stroll about the premises. At first, I thought it was a servant's lunchroom or something of the like because of it’s spartan decor. I was quickly corrected by a standing guard and frog-marched away the other times I wound up there. I didn’t see how it mattered either way, but I guess a job worth having is a job worth doing.

This time there was no silent, armored statue to bar my entry. Instead, there was a dapper looking servant who opened the door for me. I nodded to him and stepped inside, giving a small smile and a wave to Celestia and the midnight blue mare who must have been Luna. I was received with a bright smile and a scowl.

Three guesses as to who delivered what, and the first two don’t count. Don’t misunderstand, while Celestia’s warm smile just enhanced her milfy goodness, Luna’s sub zero scowl gave the impression of an untouchable yet beautiful ice queen. Honestly, one could say she rivaled her sister in her own way, but the general hostility coming from her was awfully off-putting.

“Max! I see you’re finding your way about the castle easily enough. This is my sister, Luna,” She gestured toward her, “Sorry we started without you, but this has always been our time to chat.” Celestia gave me an apologetic smile and I waved her acquisition aside with my good hand.

“It’s fine, Celestia. I imagine I’d like to speak with someone my age if I were an immortal ruler.” I sat and relaxed, pouring myself a cuppa and nabbing a biscuit before turning to the dour-faced Luna.

“Good Evening Princess, any news on the upcoming events of Night Court?” I asked while measuring her carefully. She seemed as if she disliked me already, so I figured I’d try to be pleasant.

“It will be as tedious as it always is.” Luna replied with a splash of disdain.

“I’m sorry to hear that Princess, but-”

“Do not offer us pity, ape. And do not presume to speak with us as thou see fit!” Luna hissed at me. Well that was rude and rather uncalled for.

“I’ve heard little about you. I didn’t even know there were two Princesses until I asked Twilight Sparkle about the royal family. The populace fears you.” Celestia winced while Luna’s scowl deepened. “I don’t know why, and I don’t particularly want to know. Just know that I am a foolish man who frankly doesn’t give a damn. Politeness and respect work both ways” I replied evenly, shoving the conversation elsewhere.

“Then why wouldst thou bring up such a matter in the present if thou carest not? Dost thou simply wish to reopen wounds, old and new? And it would most certainly seem that you require far more work on both, knave.” Luna spat. Celestia was looked as if she was about to say something before I spoke.

“My point is that we both have a past we’d rather move on from. I won’t judge you for yours if you provide me the same amnesty.” A reasonable offer, if I do say so myself.

I need to learn to stop being wrong. Luna’s navy blue eyes flared with anger, and I knew that I done goofed.

“Thou… Thou hast ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF THY PLACE, PLEBEIAN! A petty thief does not bargain with Royalty! We have never been so-”

“Luna.” Celestia all but whispered

Luna calmed visibly, but still seemed quite furious. I, however, sat there with the exact same expression, though my eardrums rang from the sheer volume of Luna’s diatribe.

“We do not shout at friends, we do not insult friends, and we most certainly do not burn bridges with friends before they’ve even been built.” Celestia spoke calmly. I could feel the heat radiating from her ‘hot’ body and felt frigidity emanating from the other side of the table. It didn't strike me as terribly wise to remain in such a position for much longer.

Luna seethed and I lightly fingered my dirk. It felt like a Mexican standoff between a lion, a tiger and a crippled chihuahua, though I suppose that would be my fault.

"It's disappointing that we already have to wipe the slate clean, but if you're willing-" I started.

"Another time, Max. Let's just eat." Celestia sighed.

All in all, the food was good and the scenery was nice. Luna may have been an unwarrantedly angry twat, but she was still quite the piece of eye candy if I do say so myself. My only complaint is that Miss Moon Moon was such a foil in almost every regard to her down-to-Earth sister that it almost made me feel sorry for her. One can only imagine the friends you get acting like that, if any at all. Her old fashioned attire and verbiage definitely didn't do her many favors, especially since it felt like she was a blue, equine version of Bloody Mary

The night ended with Celestia casting some pretty heavy healing magic on my arm that started getting a good amount of the shards of bone together. Needless to say, I wasn't conscious for any of it seeing as how the break was bad enough that I would've lost my arm if there was no magic here. Just writing about it.... I can't help but think what would've happened had I never came here. An injury like this probably couldn't have been patched up period, even if I did have the scratch to cover the costs. Hell, if I was lucky, someone would just put me out of my misery: What good is a thief with one hand? He can't pick locks, easy to notice and hard to forget. Even if I wasn't popular with some of the underground circuits, I'd still be marked as an easy target as soon as I hit the streets: dead within the week.

I thought about It a lot while I was in the hospital and the only positive path I saw was the one I happen to be on. If I stayed in England, my arse would have been used up or too injured to continue, getting me a permanent home face down in some gutter or shallow grave. But here? Here in Equestria, with the people around as friendly and forgiving as they are? I could make a life here. Here I can see myself settling down and doing honest work, even though starting a family might be out, I can still adopt and be... Well, happy. As I'd sat at a desk provided for me in my posh castle lodgings I felt my eyes water and my heart grow heavy. I knew then that before I could start a new life, I would have to clear the air so to speak, reach catharsis. Tomorrow, I tell Celestia about Maxwell.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day I woke up after the usual recurring nightmares, except that the severity was far worse than usual. As much as I tried to 'break' the dream and wake up, I simply couldn't. Revenants of my past (namely my mother, father and Maxwell) kept trapping me in my own subconscious, throwing emotional trauma from years before around like hot potatoes, almost as if my subconscious was trying to dredge up every negative memory. Dawn had barely broken and I was already exhausted.

After a quick shower and shave, I headed to breakfast feeling slightly better and thought about the conversation I was going to have with Celestia. I considered weaving it into a fine 'how-do-you-do?', but settled on just asking her for a word. Of course by now, I should’ve realized that nothing ever goes as expected. Just two halls away from the Royal Dining Room, I came face to face with some snooty looking tosser with a ridiculously kempt, superman-esque hairdo. Upon greeting the scum, he promptly informed me that his stature forbid me from speaking to him, as ponies were superior beings, and that his name was Blueblood. Prince Blueblood to be exact. To my memory, he was still pissing himself (metaphorically) over a little spit on his shoe when I arrived at the dining room. I peeked in and saw Celestia sipping either juice or wine, though Luna was nowhere to be found.

“Morning, Celestia. Did you sleep well?” I inquired

“Never use machines to do a stallions job, Max. Though I guess you’ll never have the issue.” Celestia muttered back. I didn’t know how to respond to her greeting, so I stacked a platter high with various fruits and biscuits. Looking across the table toward Celestia, the bags under her eyes contrasted her brilliant white coat like ink on snow. I had no idea what she’d meant, but I could tell that wasn’t the only thing on her mind.

“Are you alright, Celestia? I offer half-off hugs if you want one before I annihilate breakfast.” I half joked.

Celestia gazed at me for a moment like she was sizing up prey… A vexing circumstance when dealing with an herbivore.

“Amusing, but you won’t be able to say that soon, so get it out of your system. I swear, you’ve a kind of humor fit for a clumsy Jester.”

“And you have a sense of humor that’s more flavorful than Spotted Dick.”

Celestia looked at me like I was crazy, and I gave her a cheeky grin.

“I don’t know what you mean, but I’ll take it as a compliment” She replied, looking a bit more lively.

“If you wanted a compliment, I assure you I can do better than that, love.” I flirted shamelessly. My food was completely forgotten.

“Oh? Do you think you can?”

“Of course!” I rose and sashayed over to her, bowing next to her in a grand gesture. I took her hand, kissed it lightly and looked her in her magenta eyes. Amusement gleamed with few traces of her former exhaustion.

“My dear Celestia,” I paused for dramatic effect, and to modify some of my favorite compliments to fit a pony, “Your eyes gleam like the purest morganite, your fair coat glistens in the Sun! Your grace is nearly palpable in every minute move you make! Your mane so luscious and lustrous, and your sheer beauty is a blessing for those with sight! Your allure,” my innocent grin turned to a devious smile, “ is amplified exponentially with every cup size and every sway of that plump posterior you tote around”

Surprisingly, Celestia didn’t even blush at my naughty compliments, though I think I was more surprised when she stood and whisked me off of my feet. I had no time to react as she entreated me to a warm, delicate kiss that made my knees wobble and my mind turn to static. Here I was, kissing a Princess in her own castle! Me! Of all people, I figured I had one of the worst shots, but life is strange like that. She held me there for lord knows how long before she came up for air. Celestia caught my arms to keep me from falling as I tilted, dizzy from lack of oxygen. My eyes blurred to meet hers and she gave me a warm smile

“You really are quite the charmer, but I hope you haven’t gotten your hopes too high just yet.” She quipped, still smiling

“I’m just wondering if we’re going to be doing more snogging anytime soon. I could definitely get used to that.” I rasped in return. Granted, I was never much of a ladies man in the first place, but I’d never gotten a kiss like that. Ever. If Celestia wanted to do that again, she’d hear no complaints from me.

“It could be an activity we partake in more often, though we should likely do it elsewhere, I believe the eyeful my staff has just received will likely circulate throughout the castle posthaste.”

Surely enough, I looked around to see various ponies quickly turn away after our little moment of passion and a slight blush crossed my face. It wasn’t that I was terribly embarrassed, no, just the opposite. A small number of ponies just witnessed some of the best luck of my life and the pride I felt made itself evident upon my face. Celestia smirked at me and returned to her seat, gesturing for me to do the same, so I did. It was a pleasant breakfast, considering the blue cunt's absence. She finished up breakfast and some of the castle staff cleared the tables, save the plate I’d yet to touch. Celestia moved to leave the room before I caught her.

“Celestia, might we have a word?” I asked tentatively.

“I have a moment before Day Court starts, what do you need?” she replied kindly

“It’ll take more than a moment, and I’d prefer it with some privacy. Something’s been weighing on me for years now, a story I have to tell. I think I trust you enough to tell it to you."

Celestia easy smile faded as she took my right hand. Her look of mild lust and airy merriness had been replaced by a look of concern. She waved her staff out of the room, and once it was cleared, we sat down.

“You’ll have my confidentiality, and if you trust me enough to tell your story, then you’ll know I won’t betray you.”

“Then allow me to begin. Please hold your questions until the end, I’m kind of going panic mode right now. First things first, my name isn’t Max, it’s Kaid. I chose to give the citizens of Ponyville because names hold a lot of power in England, might get you arrested some days. I borrowed my oldest friends name.” I paused to cast a quick glance at Celestia who didn't seem terribly surprised. I voiced my observation.

“It’s not uncommon for thieves to go by pseudonyms, I thought that Max was one of a few aliases you may go by.” Celestia responded.

“It’s the only one I go by. To explain, once my shitty mother passed away, I lost hope, my reason to keep going. I met Max during a job; we’d both been assigned to the same job by some fool who thought neither of us had the skill to carry it out. As it was, we battled towards the drop point, stealing the chalice we were hired to grab from each other as we made our way towards the employer. It turned out that both of us appreciated a good challenge and by the time we got to the drop point, we’d agreed to split the pay.”

“How noble. I suppose there is a bit of honor amongst thieves.”

“Only like minded ones. After that, we took our jobs together, the indefatigable duo, shadows of the night. We eventually became known as the ‘Midnight Strollers’ in the underground and it was a well warranted nick as we basically strolled through Wiltshire and the surrounding towns and took what we wanted. Things went well for a year or so. We had enough to keep us happy and each other to ease our sufferings. We fought like brothers, ate like brothers and we were… Alright. Before my sixteenth birthday, Max fell ill, some kind of advanced cancer, probably from the copious amount of fags-”

“What?” Celestia interrupted incredulously.

“Fags, smokes, stogies, whatever you want to call them.” I replied evenly.

“Just to be clear, we’re not talking about homosexual stallions, correct?”

“Uh, yeah, not talking about twinks, May I continue?” She gestured for me to go on. “Max died. It wasn't pretty, and it was not quick, and I abandoned him in his last days. See? Takes all the drama out of it when you interrupt someone in the wrong place.”

Celestia looked at me aghast, her look of concern turning to one of disbelief and eventually one of deep sadness. She being who she is, I felt no need to explain that I couldn’t look as my brother slowly died, that I was a coward who couldn’t let his sickness damage the only happy memories I’d had in years. I imagined that she’d understood like she’d done the same thing.

“I have no words for you Max, or should I call you Kaid? We both know that was the wrong thing to do, but I know you regret this from the bottom of your heart,” she sighed and rubbed her temple, “You most certainly are different from ponies, but I know there’s goodness in you. If there wasn’t, I doubt you would’ve told me all this in the first place.”

“Please, Kaid isn’t who I am anymore. I’d like my life here, however long I stay, to be that of a new beginning, new name and all.”

“Then Max it is. I’m sorry to counsel and run, but I really only did have a moment, my little Human. I’ll have to see you tonight.”

“Oi, I ain’t little! One hundred and seventy-five centimeters doesn’t strike me as little; you’re just too damn tall!”

“Be that as it may, I still have to go.” Celestia wrapped me in a tight, glorious hug and gave me a peck on the cheek before she left me to demolish the plate I’d originally made. Clearing that burden from my shoulders made me absolutely ravenous.

I spent my day meandering about the castle once more, walking through the maze just outside of the castle once (my patented right hand on the wall trick saw me through once I got lost) and I visited the guards’ training ground. Now, I’ve little love for authority on a good day, but since these were effectively my favorite Princess’ people it was more interesting to watch them go about combat and drills. Well, that and I wasn’t on their bad side yet. My stroll took me the better part of the afternoon, but that left me with a good chunk of the evening to do nothing with, so I began reading some choice literature, including something that kind of explained why Luna was so grating. It didn't make me feel bad for her in the slightest, but it did give me some insight.

I opted to skip the evening meal in lieu of continuing my literary endeavors (not that I was avoiding anyone in particular) and brushed up further on Equestrian history, which oddly enough turned out to be eerily similar to some of the American history I’d read in my off time. Celestia’s true age kinda rang home once I realized that she’d been alive and prevalent through all of the book. I was in the middle of glassily staring out into the ether when I heard a knock on my door.

“It’s open!” I called out as I made my way over. My visitor entered in the form of one of the castles butlers, who then offered to take me to Celestia’s private chamber. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was going to get to lay a Princess tonight.

Author's Notes:

Fixed the chapter number and shit went blank. fixed it. Sorry for the long hiatus but no motivation coupled with moving and lack of inspiration means shit don't get done. Shit almost didn't get done anyway. Keep on being cool, kids

Edit: Not much changed. Fixed some grammatical errors that annoyed me, but that's the bulk of it.

Chapter Nine: All Patched Up

As I walked through the corridor following the butler aptly named ‘Jeeves’, my mind couldn't help but wander over the hills and through the gutters. Of course I expected something sweet and sultry in the following hours, but I stopped myself from thinking too much on what was to come, I find it better to let the moment proceed as it may.

I tried to start a few conversations with the Mr. Jeeves, but my roguish charm held no sway over the elderly balding man. After a few tries and being ignored each time, I found it easier to think back on the day's events, especially the kiss that Celestia and I shared. Thinking of the kiss quickly turned to thinking of dead puppies and old hags to ward off any undue excitement, just in case this was to be a platonic visit. In any case, my left arm was feeling much better due to the castles doctors and Celestia’s own attention, leaving me with some mobility, though there were still fractures throughout most of my humerus (which I did not find humorous at all) and a few more hairline fractures in a few ribs. Pondering my injuries brought forth an old familiar fury that I had been choking down for the past few days in order to build a better relationship with my favorite princess. Applejack would pay, and by my mother’s grave, would she ever regret so much as looking in my general direction. Yes, I will take my pound of flesh from that equine Cro Magnon if it’s the last thing I do on Equus, princess be damned. As my brother would say, 'Revenge is not a dish best served cold, and it is not sweet; it’s best served with a blade and tastes like copper.'

Before I could get into the nitty gritty of what exactly Applejack had coming to her, we arrived at Celestia’s private chambers. Jeeves knocked twice and awaited Celestia’s response, opening the door just a smidge to announce our arrival. Evidently we were waved in because he stood back and held the door for me to enter. Swallowing my expectations, I strode in with as much bravado as I could muster. I’m not generally a nervous fellow, but my mind had wandered through many different outcomes, and I couldn’t help but overthink every action. After taking a deep breath, I decided to stop worrying so much and examine my surroundings. What I found was not just one princess, but two. Oddly enough, Celestia’s chambers weren’t that lavish, considering it had both of the Princesses inside, mostly decked out in white and gold. It agreed with her general color scheme quite well.

“Good evening Max,” Celestia greeted, “I believe we need to have a talk. Like the mature adults I know us to be.”

“As much as I like the sound of that, maybe I can be a petulant child and you two beautiful ladies can be the adults?” I lightly jested in return. I hoped breaking the ice with a harmless joke could lift the weighty atmosphere that drenched the room. I swear, you could barely cut the tension with a blunt ax, let alone a knife.

Luna’s face twitched, Celestia sighed. I had the vaguest feeling that I was in for a long, boring, feelzy kind of conversation.

“All jokes aside, we need to discuss the, well, to be frank, animosity between you two. I’ll not stand idly by as my sister and new friend bicker like children.” Celestia brokered no disagreement though the idle angst permeating from Luna was nearly palpable.

“Sister, we are nearly four thousand years old, we do not-” Luna began.

“Wait, fucking what?” I interrupted. Four fucking thousand? I knew from my time in Twilights’ treebrary that the Equestrian calendar was analogous to the Gregorian calendar, but living for four thousand years? Ludicrous, simply ludicrous.

Luna cut me a hot glare and I was still busy being stunned

“Yes,” Luna struggled for a moment, holding back a scathing retort. “ We are old, did your studies not tell you of this? Or was it simply another thing you neglected to study?”

“Sister, the poor boy is from another world, perhaps they do not have beings such as us there.” Celestia raised an eyebrow at me and and I shook my head. “See? I’m sure he meant no slight against thee- Er, I mean, you.”

“Yeah, no offense meant your Highness, I was just surprised. Celestia and yourself don’t seem like multi millennia old beings, though I do get the impression that you could vaporize me on little more than a whim.”

Celestia rolled her eyes as she caught on to the sly compliment, and Luna seemed to accept it as a statement of fact. The tension lessened slightly as I gave some ground, but Celestia was dead set on getting everyone's feelings in the open.

“So, dear sister, why do you think you’re at odds with Max?” Celestia asked calmly

Luna cast her gaze elsewhere and studied the floor for a moment. I watched and looked between her and Celestia as the silence grew longer and longer. I eventually broke the awkward silence.

“Is it because I said I hadn’t heard much of you? Or is it because I’ve been taking some of Celestia’s attention from you?” I asked quietly.

Luna looked ready to explode, but before she could, Celestia gently placed a hand on her arm.

“Is that true sister?”

Luna cast her gaze elsewhere once more, her cheeks reddening slightly “O-Of course not, sister! This urchin just wants you to think less of us.” she hissed, turning her gaze towards me.

“I’d be at least a little annoyed if my best friend started conversing with a stranger from a strange land while neglecting me, to be fair.” I reasoned. Luna and I both looked to Celestia to find her blushing as well.

“Oh Lulu! If you felt my friendship with Max was getting out of hoof and interfering with our relationship, you should’ve told me! I would’ve made time for you, you know that!” She cried, hugging her sister. Luna hugged her back and said something I didn’t hear as I was on my way to give them that extra time they needed. I should’ve known it was jealousy that sparked Luna’s hatred of me rather than the minor slight of not knowing about her. Sadly, I can’t actually read minds, just guess at what ails the heart.

As I took my time walking back to my chambers, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit better about myself. I just helped someone for once.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning came in all its bullshit, leading with the perfect ray of dawn sunlight trailing its way light years just to poke me in the eyes. I awoke with a yawn and stretch, shaved, showered and dressed in comfortable dark blue denim jeans and a soft black V-neck. I had a date with the castle doctors and Celestia to heal up the final cracks in my arm and ribs so I could hopefully return to my quiet Ponyville home where Lupa and I could finally get settled into our still relatively new house. She was somewhere in the castle, but I hadn’t seen her in the past few days so I resolved to find her immediately after my visit with Celestia and the docs.

I met Celestia and Luna in the Royal Dining Hall for breakfast, but this time it was considerably less tense, though I had a feeling that Luna still didn't like me much. At least she didn’t outright insult me this time. After stuffing my face with biscuits and honey, I asked Celestia why they never served meat for any meal. I probably should’ve just thought about it on my own. The princesses both looked at me aghast once the word ‘meat’ left my mouth and I knew then I fucked up.

“How couldst thou consume another creature!?” Luna boomed. I expected Celestia to intervene but she was a little busy looking pretty thunderstruck herself.

“Uh, well where I come from it’s common practice, humans are the only sentient creatures and we’re omnivores so we eat meat. We can live without it, just curious ladies.” I meekly replied.

The Princesses gaped as i slowly chewed an apple. I couldn’t help but wonder if they’d notice if I threw a grape in one of their mouths.

Which is how I ended up in the castle gardens under the watch of guards for the rest of the day. The gardens, of course, were magnificent with flora and fauna I couldn’t name abound. Even though it should’ve been nearing fall, everything was blooming like it was spring all over again. On the bright side, I found Lupa and the rest of my injuries were healed (including a new knot on my head courtesy of Luna). Thus I spent my day meeting and greeting some of Lupa’s new friends, which included a phoenix for some odd reason. During that little meet and greet, I had plenty of time to catch up and tell my favorite personal pup all about the previous day's events, though I kind of lost track of how long we’d been in Canterlot. I thought we’d only been there for two or three days, but having spent so much of my free time wandering, writing, and plotting against Applejack and Fluttershy, I couldn’t really keep the days straight.

The Sun was falling as I was finally allowed back into the castle by the ever gracious princesses, and I was glad to be back inside for once. Spending time outside on your own accord is one thing; being put outside like a hyper child was another, though I kind of did deserve it for nearly making both of the princesses choke: Luna on a grape and Celestia on her laughter. I had dinner with the princesses again and noticed a sudden lack of small rounded fruits and couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Luna shot me a dark look that was metered by the slightest ghost of a grin and Celestia was very matronly in her disapproving look. Not one to be cowed, I started cracking jokes.

“Well, isn’t this just a grape dinner? Sorry for raisin hell earlier, I couldn’t help myself!” I punished.

“You should be ashamed Max, those puns were completely unnecessary.” Celestia groaned. Luna giggled in reply, then immediately snapped back to her stoic demeanor. She was grievously late in her reaction though and caught a withering glare from Celestia in turn.

“Oh come now, sister. Puns are perfectly acceptable in the field of comedy, even we know that!” Luna tsked

“They were a thousand years ago, Luna, these days they’re generally met with reactions like mine. Keep in mind I’ve had a few more years to tire of them than you have.” Celestia countered.

“Be that as it may, my alabaster sunrise, puns are beautiful creations, not unlike yourself.” I jested.

Celestia shook her head and we finished dinner on a cheery note. At least, Luna and I were feeling rather cheery, Sunny on the other hand? Not so much.

Celly bid me to follow come to her chambers that night once more and I rather expected another touchy feely talk. We went our separate ways for an hour or two until Jeeves came for me again, offering to guide me to her chambers once more. I politely declined as I had finally memorized most of the castle's layout, going it alone this time. I had showered and changed into more jeans but with a navy crew neck this time, just in case. I traversed the halls somewhat quickly, eager to see what just what the Princess had in store for me. Once I arrived, I knocked thrice upon her door, waiting until I heard her invite me in.

I entered the Princess's chambers to find her scantily clad in her pale white glory; her breasts covered by what seemed to be gossamer strands of satin that left just enough to the imagination. Those same strands appeared to multiply to cover her nether regions and upper thighs just to fade away to reveal her long, well toned, yet supple legs. As she lay on her canopied bed, I couldn’t help but think of the anthropomorphic goddesses of the Ancient times, inhuman yet stunningly beautiful. Now that I write, I can’t help but to realize that I found a non-human sentient being sexier than most women I’d seen before.

“Hello Max, come in. I’ve got a surprise for you” Celestia crooned.

My mouth hung agape at her majesty, and I couldn’t control my movements as I strode towards her. I was simply stunned.

“Wow Celestia, you were beautiful before, now… I don’t know how else to put it other than you are breath taking. Magnificent!” I climbed onto the edge of her bed, locking eyes with her, barely breathing.

“Always the charmer, and handsome at that.” She leaned in to kiss me, and what a wonderful kiss it was.

It was that one of a kind kiss that sends electricity through your body down to your toes, a kiss you never want to end, even if you know what’s to come will be so much better. We held the kiss for maybe a minute, maybe an hour. Neither of us was keeping track as our tongues wrestled for dominance, Her wide, flat tongue beat my considerably smaller one by a mile, but as I ran my hands through her effervescent mane and held her closer, she sighed, breaking our kiss for but a moment to draw breath. Taking the initiative, I wrapped my arm around her waist and drew a line down the nape of her neck, eliciting an enticing moan as I reached the top of her breasts, only to halt and begin again in reverse, this time beginning from her ample bosom up to her jawline, ending with another smouldering kiss that lasted a lifetime.

It was then that she asserted her sovereignty and pushed me back onto her lush bed, stripping me expeditiously of my shirt and pants with magic, stroking my chest painted in scars with her soft, flocculent hands. She felt her way around the ridges and furrows that crossed my flesh until she met my obviously erect member and grinned.

“I was worried for a moment that you’d be smaller than a stallion; I suppose I should’ve just asked but the surprise was well worth it. You certainly have an interesting shape.” She smiled once more and positioned herself over my lower half, tugging my boxers down with her own hands instead of magic. Celestia freed me of my confinements and held my member by the shaft, giving it one long slow lick before popping my tip into her mouth.

“Oh dear lord, where I’m from we take care of a ladies needs before our own, but feel free to continue, you’re doing fantastic, love.” I murmured in response. It was absolute bliss as she enveloped my shaft with her lubricious tongue, covering the majority of my member as she began to work her magic, smoothly lifting and lowering her head, bringing me the utmost ecstasy with every bob of her angelic head. Luckily I’d had some practice with holding out, otherwise I would’ve easily would’ve given her quite the sweet surprise. As it was, I could hold out for a few more minutes.

I would’ve happily allowed her to keep going, but whatever sense of chivalry I had kicked in so I usurped control of my member from Celestia and gave her a bittersweet smile.

“From the sounds you were making, I assume you were enjoying that.” She said with confusion evident on her face.

“ As I said, my lovely princess, your needs come before mine”

I kissed her once more, happy I hadn’t given into her power just yet. I gently shifted her onto her back and began pursuing her nether regions, working my way downward from the nape of her neck once more, pausing to move the satin modicums from her twin peaks so I could graze her pert, firm nipples with my lips before licking them in circular motions, swirling around them before cresting, continuing my path downward, taking my time. By the time I had reached her navel, Celestia was already squirming lightly beneath me.

When I found nothing but satin meeting my lips, Celestia magicked her garbs away so I could gaze upon her moist nether regions. I kissed her lips gently, flicking my tongue to greet each as i avoided her slit. I caromed my lips around her pussy, sucking and licking her lips without entering her in the slightest, teasing her a bit more than I should have, but with my fears of equine genitalia assuaged (Her nether regions resembled that of a humans, much like Twilights’) I began in earnest, just as she begged me to get on with it already.

“Are you going to tease me all night, or is this apart of your plan?” She teased breathlessly

I answered by way of easing a finger into her silken folds and flicking my tongue over her exposed pearl, evoking more divine moans from the Sun goddess. Of course I had noticed the Sun tattoos on her posterior, though I deemed it unimportant at the time. Once I had found the spot that seemed to wrest more moans from the princess than any other, I supplemented another finger into her folds and slowly caressed her G-spot firmly until the intervals between her moans grew shorter and shorter. It was slow, though extremely rewarding work, her voice like ambrosia to my ears. As I brought her pleasure to a crescendo, I picked up the pace and held on for dear life as she came, her juices flowing and ebbing as she rode out her moments of bliss. I lifted my head and smiled once her orgasm subsided, licking my fingers clean of her oddly vanilla flavored juices.

“Are you ready for round two, Princess? Or should I give you a moment?” I asked coyly

“Give me a moment, I’m still sensitive” She replied

With Celestia indisposed for the moment, I decided to cuddle her, taking my place as the big spoon and toying with her breasts while she recovered. So far it had been quite the night, and I could only hope that it would get better sooner rather than later. I'd felt Celestia's tightness with my fingers and could only imagine what she would feel like once she recovered.

(Ctrl+F --> FTS←- scene is over)

We stayed like that for a few minutes, neither of us initiating the next step, allowing Celestia to bask in her afterglow. Until the door was thrown open.

“Princess Celestia?! Max?! WHAT IN THE- WHAT’S GOING ON!?” Twilight screamed from the doorway.

Celestia immediately covered herself with her sheets as I let it all hang out. She seemed dumbfounded while her student had a meltdown in the doorway.

“Well, I was having a good time ‘til you walked in, love. Who taught you manners? Don’t you know how to knock?”

Author's Notes:

Yeah, I figured it was about time Max and Celestia got it on. Kinda. Don't you hate it when the student of the milf your banging walks in on you? Learn how to knock, you tw@.

I figured I'd put in the Ctrl+F for those of us who really aren't into that sort of thing. Hell, I'm not even into that sort of thing, really just fueled by coffee and boredom atm.

Happy reading, Keep on being cool, kids.

Edit: Fixed some syntax errors because they bothered me. Didn't have to add or remove anything.

Chapter Ten: Complications and Conundrums

“So are you gonna stand there, interrupting my adult fun time, get the bloody fuck outta here, or join us? ‘Cause I’m starting to get a mixed vibe here Sparkles. You’re not one of those sit and watch types are you?” I asked, tired of her shit already. I’d already been denied release once at the hands, or rather hooves, of Twilight Sparkle and I was seriously not trying to go for two. God forbid the woman mess things up a third time.

“Max!” Celestia exclaimed, her look of shock at my blase demeanor was priceless, though Twilight's’ face was worth even more, somehow combining horror, intrigue, disgust, and surprise all in one expression.

“H-h-how? W-what? Princess?” Twilight stuttered, her bright red face visible even in the faint glow of the candles Celly had previously lit. She was caught somewhere between staring at my wedding tackle and her teacher.

“We’ll talk about this later, Twilight. For now, let’s just get some rest. Tonight’s going to be hard to explain to Luna.” Celestia muttered

“Can I stay?” I hadn’t finished yet and I’d really wanted to.

One look from Celestia told me no. Before I could even make an argument, I was teleported along with my clothes back to my room where i could sulk in silence, damning Twilight’s untimely arrival. Of course she just had to burst in before the main event. I swear, the girl’s got cock blocking in her blood. Cursing Twilight, her parents, her grandparents, and her ancestors, I finally fell asleep.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I awoke in a sour mood, the previous night's events running rampant through my head, causing a certain part of my anatomy to ache with regret. I stiffly rose to complete my morning routine deciding on a charcoal gray hooded wind jacket Rarity had designed for me over an ash grey V-neck with more denim to complete my samey monochromatic color scheme. It also suited my mood this oh-so-fine morning as I trudged onward to breakfast, and what was most likely going to be the most awkward conversation I’d had on this God-forsaken planet. Whatever was to come at least it was going to be over soon.

I joined Celestia, Twilight, and Luna for breakfast and took my usual spot between the two Princesses which just so happened to be directly across from a pony that could barely look me in the eye without blushing and fidgeting like a giddy schoolgirl. Meanwhile, Luna was glaring daggers at me again and Celestia was rubbing her temples like she could ease away her consciousness by applying more pressure. Me, being the suave gentleman I am, decided to tear through that awkward silence with gusto!

“Alright, I’m not having this. Celestia and I are adults. She moreso than I, but still, both adults. What we do as adults is our business and I’m sorry to those of us who walked in on our business, but in fairness you should’ve knocked. Yes Twilight, I’m looking at you. It’s just manners, dear.”

“Dost thou expect us to sit idly by as thou layeth our sister in our own home?” Luna hissed. “Thine charm shall only get thee so far, heathen, and we-”

“Luna, Your Majesty, I’m not trying bed and bolt your sister. We have a connection, we’re exploring where it goes. I’m not trying to steal her from you, and honestly you should have more faith in Celestia; she’s a grown woman who can make her own mistakes.” I interrupted.

“Are you saying last night was a mistake?” Celestia jibed, a small smile turning the corner of her mouth.

“Of course not! Hell, I’d do it all over again, Twilight busting the door down and all! Even if you included this maladroit little talk we’re having, there’s precious little I wouldn’t trade for another night like last night.” I confessed. Being with Celestia had been a magical night for me, even if we had been stopped short. Maybe it was just Celly’s natural charm, or maybe it was budding love. Either way, the spark I felt when we kissed was like no other.

Ostensibly, it seemed that Luna sensed my veritability as she visibly calmed. Twilight was still blushing up a storm and her even her mentor was a little rosy around the cheeks. Matters seemed to be calmed for the time being, but I knew I would have to talk to Luna sometime soon before things got out of hand. From there, the Princesses talked about business while I ate breakfast. Twilight poked and pecked at her food, moving it around her plate more than actually eating anything. Luna, Celly, and I shared a look between us.

“So, Twilight. Between last night’s events and ‘standard’ breakfast conversation, you still haven’t told us the reason you’ve come to Canterlot in the first place. What’s going on?” Celestia asked kindly.

Twilight jumped and stuttered for a few moments, surprised at the sudden attention she’d been avoiding for the past twenty or so minutes. “W-well, I came to check on Max, everypony is pretty worried about you.” She said shifting her eyes to me. “Rarity, Rainbow, Spike, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack-”

“Applecunt can fuck off, eat shit and die slowly as far as I’m concerned, love.” I replied peacefully, not skipping a beat as I munched on breakfast.

Silence met my harsh words. I looked up to see a raised brow from Luna, dismay from Twilight and Celestia slowly shaking her head. “But she’s sincerely sorry, Max! She never meant to hurt you that badly, she’s been crying for days now!” Twilight protested.

“I’m not giving ground on this, Twilight. If we were in England, I would’ve died from those wounds, if not become a cripple for life. I want nothing to do with her, and if asking for my forgiveness on her behalf is the reason why you’re here, then you’ve wasted your time.”

“But this isn’t England! Applejack really does regret everything Max, what can I do to prove that to you?”

“Oh, don’t think for an iota of a moment that I don’t believe you Twilight. I do, honestly. But considering the pain she put me through and the debts I now owe that I could never repay, you should be happy that I haven’t gone back to Ponyville already and sliced her up like a Christmas turkey.”

Twilight sat in stunned silence, staring at me like I’d grown a second head. I don’t believe she’d ever heard of something so brutal in her twenty or so years of living, at least not from someone who meant every word. I continued my meal and looked between Celestia and Luna once more. Celly looked quite disappointed, though I have a feeling she suspected I would say something along those lines while Luna looked upon me with what seemed to be infinitesimal amount of respect.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I inquired innocently.

“Max…” Celestia began.

“We support him, sister. A stallion with no spine is not worthy of our sister. Retribution is in order in any case, he has suffered at the hands of Applejack and she should bear the responsibility of her actions. Mere apologies and ‘feeling bad’,” Luna threw some air quotes, “is not sufficient compensation for the injuries she inflicted upon him.”

“Sister, that was a thousand years ago, times have changed! We forgive those who are sincere now, we hold no grudges, bear no bad blood for the sake of feuding!” Celestia retorted

“Should somepony inflict such damages upon our person, would thou stand idly by if they were to apologize for the pain they have caused? Or wouldst thou demand indemnification in turn for our blood spilt?” Luna challenged.

“I would forgive them if they truly meant it, even if I had to swallow my own rage and hubris to do so.”

“Then we disagree on this matter, dear sister,” Luna huffed, “but knoweth thou this: should somepony touch so much as a hair on thine pretty head, they would face our vindication, no matter how many times they apologize.”

Celestia shook her head and frowned. She obviously didn’t want either myself or Luna to seek vengeance on anyone’s behalf, regardless of the trespass. With that said, we wrapped up breakfast and I caught Luna before she left asking for a word at a later date earning a confused look from Celestia. Once Twilight meandered out of the breakfast room following Luna, Celly and I looked at each other.

“Don’t go after Applejack, Max.” She asked, exasperated.

“Never said I would, love. I’ll hate her from across the street, but that’s about as far as I’m willing to compromise. I’m no Pony; my forgiveness isn’t earned so easily.”

“I know that, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that you’re lying to me Max.” Damn straight. Not the best way to start a relationship, but I digress.

“Look, I won’t touch the twat. I want nothing to do with her. If she really feels as bad as Twilight says, then that’s punishment enough for now.”

“If that’s enough, then why don’t you forgive her, Max? It would go a long way in repairing your friendship, and while I understand why you’re spiting her, can’t you see that all you’re doing is hurting yourself in the long run?”

“Or I’m protecting myself from the dangerous rage beast that damn near killed me, Sunbutt!”

“...Are you calling me fat?”

“No, I’m saying you have two sun tattoos on each ass cheek. Sunbutt, it’s my new pet name for you. Also, didn't you just completely gloss over what I just said?”

“First of all, I’m not fond of it. Second of all, are you saying you want more than just… Never mind, the important thing is that Applejack wasn’t trying to hurt you that badly Max, you-”

“Did minor damage to her friend so she retaliated. She meant to hurt me, Celestia, whether you want to face that fact or not, Applejack should be held responsible for her actions. If I didn't already know you’d protect her, I’d press charges. And yes. I like you, I’d like to see where it goes if you’re willing.”

“...We can give it a shot depending on how you handle this. Don’t forget, Rainbow Dash could also press charges against you, Max. Regardless of her intent, you struck first.”

“It was in self defense! Seriously, we’re not even technically together and we’re arguing this much over something that nearly cost me my life like it’s even something that can be debated. If Rainbow hadn’t stepped in and flown me to the nearest hospital, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now!” I retorted, vexed beyond my wit's end. Of course I was still planning on hamstringing Applejack once I got within dagger distance, but I had a rather good purpose for doing so.

“It’s because you feel so strongly about this that I want you to stay in Canterlot for a while longer, Max. Look at the silver lining, it’ll give us an opportunity to try to understand each other better, and we can sort out what exactly it is we have.” Celestia reasoned.

I nodded, feeling drained from getting nowhere in our conversation only to come to a half-assed compromise. I closed the distance between us and took her hands, looking into Celestia’s eyes, my own frustration mirrored in those morganite gems.

“Why do things have to get so complicated before they even get started?” I inquired softly

“I’m a Princess and you’re a one of a kind being in this world; of course life is complicated. Though if it makes you feel any better, you have my trust. Trust as in I trust you not to buck things up completely with my little ponies, and I trust you not to trod upon my heart.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sunbutt, I truly do appreciate it. You have my trust as well, just be careful not to drop it or poke it; it's not seen much use in the past few years.” I leaned in and kissed her, savoring the moment, feeling the electricity return throughout my body.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

After leaving Celestia to do her Royal Duties, I asked some of the castle staff to direct me to Luna’s chambers. After a few shrug offs and a few more terrified looks, I ultimately made my way there about an hour later. I hadn’t been allowed to explore all areas of the castle, and Luna’s wing had been one of those areas. I had to narrow it down on my own with some help from the guards, and once I explained that I was courting Celestia and wished to ask her sister’s permission, I was expediently shown the correct hall, though I never got a reply that wasn’t accompanied by a scoff. As I knocked upon her heavy blackwood door, a sense of foreboding overtook me. As I try to be a brave man, turning back was not an option. I was about to knock again when I heard a sleepy Luna permit my entrance.

“What doth thou want, servant? Thou knowest it is time for our rest.” Luna called from across her dark room. All I could see within it was the sliver lit by the light of the hall, and what little I could see was mostly navy blue or black Victorian era-esque furnishings

“I’m no servant, Luna. Though I can come back later.” I responded.

“Max? For what reason doth thou disturb our slumber?” Luna asked peevishly

“I’ve come to ask your permission to court Celestia. Yes, I know we’ve already got a thing going, but your approval would mean plenty to me. That, and I already asked for a word earlier if you don’t recall.”

“Shut thine mouth and return upon nightfall. Tis time for our beauty rest, I have no patience for such matters now.” She called back.

With that I made my way back to the castle gardens to grab Lupa so I could spend a little time with her. We hadn't really spent much time together since Ponyville and yesterday when I got thrown out of the castle temporarily. I'd really taken to her as a kindred spirit; fiercely loyal to those she deemed worthy and ready to defend them to the end. I came to think of her as a sister that couldn't speak but could understand, one who wouldn't judge me no matter how stupid a mistake I made. Such is the relationship between wolf and man since days long past. Companions ‘til the bitter end.

I strolled around the castle grounds with Lupa by my side, talking to her about the events that had passed since we'd spoken yesterday. Of course she listened and even occasionally barked a response every once in awhile when I mentioned a poor joke I'd made. With so much going on within the timespan of just a couple short weeks, it felt good to take the burden from my shoulders and relax. Which reminded me that I needed to introduce Lupa to Celestia some time. Maybe I’d introduce her sooner rather than later…

Filling out the copious stacks of paperwork required to get an audience in Day Court was ridiculous, and it was even moreso when the Administrator learned that I planned on bringing what was effectively a dire wolf into court with me as a witness. It took hours to fulfill all the necessary forms, but by the time I’d completed them, it was sunset and most of the ponies in line had forsaken their turn to return for tomorrow, thus I was granted a spot near the front of the line, waiting only fifteen more minutes for an audience with Celestia. Once it was my turn, Lupa and I were given a wide berth as we approached. Celestia’s eyes lit up and a smile graced her lovely features once we made eye contact.

“Hullo there, love. I’ve brought someone to meet you” I called from across the dais

“I’ve already met Lupa, but thank you for breaking the monotony of Day Court, Max. I’m sure it was plenty of trouble to get in here, let alone with her in tow.”

“I don’t see how anyone deals with the paperwork, the forms just for me were asinine. You wouldn’t believe the stack of forms it took to get her in here too.”

“I assure you, dear, I understand all too well. Now, as much as I’d love to keep you around until day court ends…”

“But I have a grievance! Like, why do you already know Lupa’s name? And can we put a lock on your bedroom door?” I heard a few chuckles from court officials while Celestia herself blushed.

“There already is a lock on that door, it just doesn’t work on Twilight for some odd reason. I happened to meet Lupa the first day you two came here while you were neglecting your responsibilities as her master. Any more questions, dear?”

“Just one more and I’ll be finished, I promise.”

“And that question is?”

“Roses or Lilies?”

“Roses, you should’ve known that already, I’m too classy for lilies.”

“If you have to say it, I don’t think it's true, love.”

“Hush, now. If you embarrass me in court again, I’ll make you sit through a day of it with me.”

“Sounds like a date. How about tomorrow, Sugar Dumpling?” The chuckles from before turned into barely contained laughter and my own smile widened.

“Let’s make that two days then. Keep it up and it’ll be three!” Celestia mock threatened

“All the more time to spend with you, love. Or Should I say, Your Highness?”

Celestia rolled her eyes and bid me farewell. I blew her a kiss and went to the Dining Hall to wait for dinner since I had little else to do. While I was waiting, I bounced a few more jokes off of Lupa, earning barks for funny jokes and growls for terrible ones.

How a wolf understands human humor baffles me, but one should never look a gift wolf in the mouth.

I only waited a few more minutes before Celestia and Luna joined me, Twilight having returned to Ponyville earlier in the day. Between the three of us, we talked about what had gone on in Day Court and I sat back and allowed the two sisters to ignore me for while. I grinned to myself as I stroked Lupa’s head, soaking in the newfound camaraderie I felt with both of them. I was somewhat worried about ruining the good vibes I had with Luna at the moment by way of royally ballsing up the talk I was going have with her. I just needed to remind myself that if she propositioned me, I would have to get Sunbutt’s permission (or participation) beforehand. Not that I would ever take her up on the offer should it ever be made, the woman had been awfully hostile when we first met. First impressions matter. That, and I highly doubted she was interested. It was mostly just something I thought for a quick calming chuckle.

Dinner passed without event, and I got a goodnight kiss from Celestia while Luna made a sour face. We’d remained seated while Celly rose and left.

“So, thou desire our sister’s hand in marriage, yes?” Luna inquired neutrally.

“Well I wouldn’t say that just yet, more like I want to date her and get to know her better. Celestia seems like a better woman than most I’ve ever known, but caution makes the heart beat longer just as absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I replied.

“For what reason would one court another if not for the sake of marriage? It makes little sense to us.”

“Marriage is the end goal, love, not the top priority. Finding out how you work together is an important part of making a relationship fulfil its full potential.”

“...We suppose your answer is sufficient, if not somewhat convoluted. So how doth thou believe thine relationship is going with our sister?”

“I believe it’s going well so far, but it’s too early to tell quite yet. I like Celestia; she’s a kind, loving, warm, friendly soul with a genuine heart. Her playful nature certainly doesn’t hurt when it comes to keeping things interesting.”

“Oh, thou hath not seen the worst of our sister quite yet, her playful nature has lead to years of tomfoolery between us, both within and without the Court.”

“I believe that to the ‘T’, she seems like the pranking type to me, to be honest with you. Care to elaborate on some of her objectively worse moments?”

“Perhaps another time. We shall see how this talk goes. We are going to have to acclimate to the honesty of a thief. Thou seem genuine most times, but others thou seem to mean little of what ye say.”

“It’s because my sarcasm runs deep, love. Once you can tell the difference and stop taking me seriously all the time, I think you’ll find that I grow on you. Now, how about those stories of Celly?”

“Celly?” Luna asked incredulously “Such abbreviations are meant for those far closer to her than thee!”

I sighed. “In modern times it’s pretty common to abbreviate names, like how Celestia and I call Twilight ‘Twilight’ instead of Twilight Sparkle. It’s a matter of convenience, not familiarity. Well, in some cases it’s both, but mostly convenience.”

“These changing times take their toll on an old soul, Maximilian. We find it difficult at times to adjust to some of the finer nuances of this era.” Not even close. Max's name was Maxwell.

“Max is short for Maximus, Princess, my parents were fans of an old, dead language. And of course trying to adjust takes time, you’ve missed about a thousand years of slang and societal changes. Unfortunately it's not going to be a quick process or a terribly easy one, but I’m sure you of all people will manage with no small amount of grace.”

“Flattery will get thee nowhere with us, Maximus. Perhaps we should speak of thine past rather than our present?”

I sighed again. “Of course. There really isn’t much to talk about Princess. Went to school until I was a little older than sixteen, dropped out to start nicking whatever would sell well to keep my stomach full, bounced around from place to place until I found a hidey hole I could call my own, and made shady acquaintances that could’ve gotten me offed just as well as save my hide. Granted, my life’s been interesting, but I would’ve much prefered safe and boring.”

Luna chewed on that tidbit of information for awhile. “So thou openly admits to being a delinquent youth, yet thee still think thyself worthy of our sister’s hand? A Princess of the most powerful country on Equus marrying a guttersnipe pauper? Thou hath lofty ambitions, Maximus.”

“You know, normally I‘d be giving you an earful for that little jab, but I just got a kiss from the prettiest woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, so I’ll let it slide. Oh wait,” I flashed her my index and middle finger with the back of my hand facing her. “never mind.”

Luna’s eyebrow raised. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

I lowered one finger.

She got the point.

“Is there anything else you’d like to know? Princess?”

“...Thou truly hath no respect for authority. Doth thou not have royalty where ye come from?”

“Oh, we have a queen, but she has little power these days. I guess people just didn’t trust one person to run the country. Before you take offense, no she isn’t some immortal or long lived Monarch, just another person with a little more power than most, so she can’t really be compared to yourself or Celestia.”

“What happened in your land to cause your queen’s position to fall into such disarray?”

“The people of my country just didn’t think one person could do the job. Which is why I’m rather surprised that you and Celestia do so much work when you could easily appoint someone to do it for you.”

“Such is not the place of a ruler to task another with these vital matters. Tis the place of a ruler to directly oversee as much of the daily troubles of the land as they can. The burden of a Princess is not a light one indeed.”

“You’re the one who makes the rules, Princess. If you don’t feel like handling that crap for much longer, you could always give the bureaucracy something to do besides make lives difficult for the sake of being obtuse. Honestly, why do I have to fill out duplicate copies just to see a princess? If you’re not terribly busy with your nightly duties, I could help you streamline that crap. I’m told I’m a pretty pragmatic fellow.”

“...We will take your advice into consideration. We do see the benefits of making the process more efficient-”

“And considerably less tedious.”

Luna cut me a sharp glare for interrupting her. “But it will not be a simple process. We doubt those without extenuating knowledge of how to operate within the bureaucracy will understand how to change it without rendering the fragile structure that it is completely void.”

“Or having an outsider's perspective could prove to be more fruitful than you might think. People who’ve been operating under the system for years are going to attuned to the way it works as is; they’re not going to look at it with the same eyes that I will. If anything, it’ll make me feel better about staying here rent free.”

“Oh? And how is that exactly? By my understanding thou art here under pretenses of Celestia’s friend come lover. There are few who would say that thou hast no justifiable reason for being here, as long as thou doth not plan upon making this a permanent stay before thee are wed, it was not uncommon for similar circumstances amongst the nobility a thousand years ago. Though…”

“I’m not a noble and I doubt I’ll ever be one of those stuck up, vapid cock snots. No, I want to repay the kindness shown to me by yourself and Celly, even if it doesn’t necessarily help you guys directly. Doing something for your people should count for something, I think, though I can’t really say what you’d consider a favor.”

“We, Celestia and myself, would consider most boons to our subjects personal favors if done without expectation of reward. To repay a debt is a noble cause. We have to admit, thou art slowly changing our interpretation of thine character. T'would seem that thee art more than a common thief.”

“Oh Lulu, I've always been more than a common thief; I was good at what I did, and I hate to say this, but for a time I took pride in it. Hell, the only reason I ever even got put on the radar was because I saved a so called friends ass when he fucked up big time. Turns out it was a setup, but that's not important.”

“We find it very difficult to believe that one that would repay their debts out of nobility would take pride in stealing the possesions of others. Thou may want to explain.”

“Happily. I never took pride in stealing. Shit just wasn't in my nature. No, what I took pride in was not getting caught, getting in and out without making a sound. That, as you may or may not know, is something to be proud of. From the most modest prankster to an experienced thief, silent movement is probably one of the most useful skills one could practice.”

“Now that... That is a skill We could use. How wouldst thou feel about taking a job of sorts?”

Author's Notes:

Finished and finalized. I really need an editor, or just to not fuck up the first time. Whichever. Stay cool, kids.

Edit: Fucking Luna speak kills me sometimes. It makes sense, but ugh. I wanted to change it all, but it gets phased out in later chapters anyway, so fuck me and my dreams.

Chapter Eleven: Sit! Stay! Speak! Good Boy!

“No.”

“It's really not your decision to make, love.”

“I do not approve. At. All. Max, do you even realize what Luna's asking of you?”

“I believe she's asking me to use some skills I just happen to have for a good cause. Look, Celestia, if I don't do it, who will? Who else do you know that has a background as... Useful, as mine is?”

“You don't even really know what you're agreeing to! What exactly is she going to have you get? Hmm? Where are you going? You haven't thought this through in the slightest!” Celestia squawked. her voice was fading and the exasperation on her face slowly etched lines of worry deeper into her angelic features.

As little as I liked causing Celestia distress like this, I was determined to follow through, and evidently it showed on my face as well as Celestia's frustration showed on hers. We both set our jaws and looked at each other, wondering how we could bring the other to our mode of thinking.

To properly expound upon what exactly we were arguing about, we're going to have to rewind a bit. See, the previous night whilst I was talking to Luna, she offered me a job of sorts: reclaim an object of relative power that had been taken during a skirmish on the northern Equestrian borders. I still hadn't received all of the details from Luna, and obviously it was going to be a terribly safe or easy task. Luna did tell me that the object in question was pretty much only useful to herself or Celly, but that not having it where it had been was an awfully inconvenient occurrence. No, I didn’t know what I was retrieving, but I did have faith that I was reclaiming rather than stealing. Celestia confirmed that, but she still wasn’t quite happy.

“If I don’t know what I’m going to get or where I’m going, why don’t you tell me? More information could help me make a more informed decision.” I retorted.

Celestia sighed. “It’s the first crown of Equestria, the Diadem of Sovereignty, which has passed through the hands of every one of Equestria’s rulers. Its history is partially obscured since Ponies haven’t always resided within Equestria, but we do know that it’s an ancient crown that’s been around for longer than either Luna or I have been alive.”

“How do you know how old it is if you haven’t always been here? And if the Diadem isn’t from wherever the ponies come from, how do you know who’s had it? I get trying to preserve history, but why is it so important? I see you and Luna with crowns all the time.”

“Due to magical dating, we can tell that the crown is at least ten thousand years old, but we have no clue where exactly it comes from. We assumed it came from Equestria because it was found in a decrepit fortress, which was heavily fortified both magically and physically before time took it's toll. Honestly Max, it may be one of the oldest artifacts in existence with enchantments we still haven’t discovered, though we do know that it somehow recognizes the sovereign ruler of Equestria upon coming within a certain distance. “

“So it’s definitely important. If it’s so important, why wasn’t it better protected in a place like Canterlot?”

Celestia was silent, a blush quickly forming on her face as she muttered something.

“What was that love? I didn’t quite catch that.”

She cleared her throat. “I said ‘I may have forgotten about it. It’s not one of my prouder moments.” Celestia finished somewhat meekly.

I grinned and chuckled as Celestia shook her fist at me with an adorable little pout. I could see how a few centuries might blur someone’s memories.

“So where’s the Diadem at? I didn’t know Equestria had any neighbors, let alone hostile ones.” I asked.

“We don't have any openly hostile neighbors, but the Gryphons to the north tend to be antagonistic in the best of times. While our governing bodies are at peace, our people are not quite as friendly. Tensions rarely escalate past the occasional border ‘pissing contest’ as it were, but the theft of the Diadem wasn’t the only occurrence of the Gryphons raiding smaller Equestrian towns either. In the same museum that held the Diadem, a dagger of unknown origin was stolen a few years ago. We now have reason to believe that the two incidents are connected in a way we did not see previously.”

“What makes the dagger special? Is it also some relic of a bygone era, heavily enchanted, or is it encrusted with rare jewels?”

“None of those, as far as we can tell. The dagger’s just old. How old, we don’t know, but it surfaced around the time of the reign of Discord.”

“Why steal it if it’s just a hunk of junk then?”

“Believe me when I say it’s no ‘hunk of junk’. It’s called ‘The Warbling Blade’, though no one remembers why it’s called that. The blade is quite the piece of workmanship and hasn’t rusted at all despite some less than satisfactory conditions and it’s maintained an edge for a few thousand years. There is little else that makes it stand out, however. It was a rather plain blade, if I recall correctly.”

“So when I go to get the crown thing, you want me to get that too?”

“No! I don't want you to go at all, and I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you were just going to go anyways!” Celestia cried. Should've seen it coming, love.

“Oh whatever, you know you like talking to me anyways.” I lightly jabbed, trying to change the subject.

Celestia gave me a wry look. She knew precisely what I was doing and she wasn’t having it. I knew she would try to keep me from doing the job by just about any means necessary, but I was set. If I can use the skills I garnered in my shitty past life to do good in my new one, I may as well.

“I may usually enjoy our conversations, but by no means have I enjoyed this one. You’re a stubborn foal, Max, and I don’t think you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

“How so?”

“I think you’re looking for danger to regain that adrenaline rush you once had when you were a thief. If not, why would you put yourself in danger to claim an object that has been gone for months? It’s really not that important to begin with, seeing as how nopony can use it barring myself and Luna.”

“... I’m not looking for cheap thrills, Sunbutt. I want to do some good, get my life turned around further than it already has. This feels like the path to redemption to me.”

She sighed heavily. “Come to my chambers tonight, we’ll continue our talk there.”

With that I left the lavish room we’d been talking in and went back to my room in the castle, grabbing Lupa on my way back. I sat and told her about what was going on for awhile, seeing if she had any input. Not that she could speak, but she did have a way of getting her point across. Lupa jumped on my lap and smothered me. If I hadn’t mentioned it before, Lupa was level with my chest on all fours. In other words, it was a lot of fur and muscle in my lap, seeing as how she was taller than me on two legs. I didn’t know what to make of that if it was a response, so I sat and strroked her fur for awhile, enjoying the soft texture of her jet black coat. All in all, it was a pleasant stress reliever.

Night time rolled around again and I found myself eating dinner between two silent sisters. Luna was calmly chewing while I could see a muscle twitching in Celestia’s jaw as she ate. My best guess was that they had talked further about the mission while I was elsewhere.

“So… Lovely evening we’re having, yeah? I like the way you lowered the sun, Celly, it was awfully pretty.” No response. “And I can’t wait to see what the Moon looks like tonight!”

“There is a New Moon tonight, Maximus. You will not be able to see it.”” Luna replied.

“Oh. Well that sucks.”

“Indeed. Speaking of new moons, We believe it would be of thine interest to leave for Gryphonia sooner rather than later. The darkness will aid thee in the infiltration of a certain somepony’s manor. ‘Celly’ and myself have agreed that thou should have a guide until the border, from there thou shalt be given a map and further instructions. As it stands, thou should know that ye will be disowned if thou art apprehended. Equestria may have power, but we will not have our reputation tarnished. We hope you understand” Luna said rather coldly, as if she had nothing to do with the affair.

“So you’re going to send me off to a foreign land with no backup.” I asked incredulously.

“Is that an issue?” She retorted, daring me to say yes.

I gave her my most winsome smile. “Of course not! I work best alone anyway. When do I leave?”

“Once dinner is finished you’ll be outfitted in the armory, though I rather doubt we much equipment you can even use,” Celestia butted in, “which is one of the many reasons I still think this is a bad idea.”

“Find me some dark clothes and that’ll be all I need, love. I have my own weapons, gloves and boots. All I need is a little more to look the part.” Luna looked triumphant with that and Celestia Gave me a troubled glance before facing her sister. They traded looks and Celestia faced me again.

“Why do you have weapons, Maximus?”

“Knives help pry open windows, slice envelopes and important documents, and make a pretty good handhold if you’re on the side of a wooden building. They’re also quite useful for self-defense if need be.” I said neutrally.

“...May I see them sometime?” Celestia asked.

I pulled my dirk and one of my six throwing knives from my boots. As I handed them to Celestia, her face was painted by shock.

“I can’t believe you carry them with you! Max, you will not come to any harm in my castle, why would you even bring them to dinner with you at that?” She inquired.

I shrugged. “Carried them with me for years, love. Got caught without them too many times for my liking, so I bring them with me wherever I go. Nothing personal, I just don’t trust people to not do stupid shit.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about that here! What made you so unbelievably paranoid?”

“I have my reasons, and they’re not proper for dinner conversation.”

“You know what, Max? Dinner’s over; spill. Now.” Celestia growled.

I was taken aback. Of course I’d seen Celestia upset, but never actively mad. That, however, didn’t impede my ‘Take No Bullshit’ policy.

“I’ll tell you what I want, when I want, Sunbutt. Don’t forget I’m not one of your subjects to be cowed. In fact, I think it would do you well to think about what and how you just said what you have so you can see the level of twat you’re being.”

“This from the impudent stallion that nearly got killed not even two weeks ago? The same stallion who treads on toes like ants in his way? The same bastard who betrayed his only friend just to save himself a little suffering? I don’t want to hear another word from you. In fact, I’m sick of looking at you; Get out. You’re a dangerous, lecherous, hateful being and I frankly can’t believe for a second that I was so foalish as to think there was something to love somewhere in that dark, twisted thing you call a heart.” Celestia rampaged.

I was thunderstruck. If someone had run into the room and slapped me at that time I would’ve never noticed. I slowly stood from my seat and walked out of the room, or at least I had planned to until Luna grabbed my arm.

“Before you leave, you still need to get outfitted in the armory. We will send your possessions to your home in Ponyville while you are gone.” Luna floated my weapons back to me. “You’ve accepted your mission and we expect thee to fulfill thine duties as thou hast said thee would, despite the current circumstances. When thou leave this castle, go to the Canterlot Teleportation Station”

“...Yeah. Yeah, I’ll still do the mission. I’ll leave tonight.” I muttered, still reeling from Celestia’s tirade. I glanced over at her and saw the same muscle in her jaw working like she was being electrocuted. Her beautiful head was buried in her hands and her breathing was belaboured. I decided to take my leave after nodding to Luna, my eyes somewhat unfocused. Luna held me in place and whispered quietly in my ear.

“We will speak to her. Things will be different when you return.”

I shook my head and left, meandering about the castle halls, occasionally bumping into pillars when I was especially lost in thought. I… I never thought that Celestia would say something like that to me. I didn’t think I was even being terribly unfair or obtuse. I knew that I had insulted her and that the past few days had been filled with tumultuous conversation between us, but she was supposed to be different. She was supposed understand and accept me. In my shellshocked state, I never considered that Celestia would have had ample time to examine my character and form an opinion different than the one I thought she had of me. It hurt. It hurt nearly as much as losing the original Max, and having my cowardice thrown in my face when I had trusted her to know why I had abandoned him in his hour of need just made my heart ache more. The pain built until I was physically sick, spewing my dinner out of a window I had opened just in time. As the cooling night air rushed in, my thoughts began to clear and the ache I felt subsided slightly. It was dark and silent; prime conditions to practice my craft and clear my head.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

After stopping by the armory and picking up a fireproof, dark grey cloak, Lupa and I were padding our way through Canterlot, dodging guard patrols, and mapping out the high income areas amongst the spired roofs of Equestria’s capital city. We ran around the spirals sitting atop garish homes, leaping across gaps with relative ease. I should have been more surprised that Lupa was getting around as well as I was considering her quadrupedal form, but I was deep in concentration. The only sound in the night was the occasional clicking of her claws as we took in the city, picking a target. We made our rounds in the fanciest looking district and found our mark: A tall, gaudy monstrosity that promised high value swag.

Now, don’t misunderstand; I wasn’t doing this as revenge against Celestia, (okay, maybe a little bit) but I had to see if my period of inactivity had rendered any of my skills subpar. I tested my lockpicking skills by accessing the back door with a few of the lockpicks that I kept with my knives. I’d sewn straps to my sheaths so I could carry and hide them on my person. I made quick work of the admittedly simple lock, gesturing for Lupa to stay outside in the shadows. She was to be my literal watchdog while I worked my magic.

I tread lightly inside, listening for any movement. I heard someone moving about in the kitchen and took up a position low against a wall, controlling my breathing and shifting my stance so that I could dash if need be. Most people that ply my trade were your average sneaker with little experience in actual infiltration. I had learned early on that if you don’t want to be caught, you had to be ready for the three F’s: Fighting, Fleeing, or Flattering. Back home, fighting was only an option if flattery didn’t confuse the mark and fleeing didn’t get you away. Here, I was betting that flattery might actually work even if fleeing was seldom going to be an option.

I had learned from a footrace with Rainbow and one of her less athletic friends that once ponies got going, there was little you could do to catch up. However, what they possess in raw speed, they lack in agility, and that aspect is one of my strongest qualities. I skulked about, not making a noise, and saw a light blue Stallion with a slightly darker mane drowsily snacking in front of the fridge. I sped around the island in the kitchen and slid into the parlour with the stallion completely unaware. I waited for him to walk upstairs and followed shortly after.. I snuck through the rooms, taking in as much as possible, waiting to find something worth capturing as a prize. I wanted something memorable, but not something that would be sorely missed; maybe a pendant or the like.

Two of the rooms had obviously belonged to the stallion's children at some point in time, though I was betting that they’d grown up and left. One seemed to be a study in pink, purple, and lavender and the other in a more masculine and rather tasteful collection of blues. I didn't find anything worthy of note in the rooms besides a fucking massive, yet organized closet of notes in the daughter's room and a standard rank-and-file looking sword in the son’s. Nothing worth taking. I searched through guest room after guest room, though it was too dark to see much more than vague shadows, unlike the children’s rooms that had been lit by the street lamps outside. I found the master bedroom after a little more snooping; the place was honestly more mansion than just another house and covering ground silently took time.

Softly cracking the door open, I heard two ponies softly snoring away. I guess the stallion from earlier had fallen asleep by now alongside who seemed to be his wife. Making my way around the room, I examined just about everything in sight; nothing worth grabbing. Of course I could steal some jewelry to be resold at a later date, but my earlier thoughts of grabbing a pendant were long gone. Most people would miss jewelry, but most people wouldn’t be too alarmed if someone were to say, nab a cheap looking statuette. It was on a dresser on the far side of the room. In other words, an easy target. I nabbed it quickly and slipped out of the room, realizing as I was about to leave that I could have some fun.

Halfway down the road, I was still chuckling to myself, feeling much better after a bit of foolishness. I’d deigned the statue unworthy of being stolen after I had rearranged every bit and bauble in the lower story of the marks home and made my former keepsake the centerpiece. It had taken me a few hours, but with Lupa by my side, I finally strolled on over to the Teleportation Station Luna had told me about earlier.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

“So you’re the fella Princess Luna was talking about?” A grey pegasus mare with dark slate armor asked.

I had just arrived at the Teleportation Station after packing my cloak into a bag. The Night Guard seemed far more friendly than the stuffy Day Guards I usually dealt with so I answered her with a smile. It also didn't hurt that she was rather attractive. I saw as I walked in that she had a great arse and nice hips.

“Wotcher. I’m the guy, and you are?” I asked turning my charm up a notch.

The night guard grinned and raised an eyebrow at me. “Name’s Velvet Breeze. The Princess said you were supposed heartbroken and distraught or somethin’. I don’t see no heartbroken stallion in that smile o’ yours. Why would the Princess say that if it wasn’t true?”

“Ah, well I had a bit of rough night so far, but I’ve gotten over it for the time being. I can deal with feelings later, I got a job to do now, yeah?” I responded, my smile falling a little. While I had put the incident with Celestia behind me for the time being, I was still feeling some heart ache over it.

“Well, I don’t know what your fillyfriend was thinking, but if you’re not seeing nopony, maybe you’d be interested in a little proposition?” She gave me a half lidded look.

I blushed at the implications and my smile grew once more. “Might take you up on that, Velvet. Once I finish up with this job, why don’t we go grab a drink?”

“Sounds like a party to me.” She wrote something down quickly and handed it off to me before guiding me to a large circular rune on the floor.

“Now, I suggest you keep your knees bent when you teleport. Other than that, come back quick; I haven’t had fun in awhile.” She said with a little pout.

“Trust me, love. I’ll be back soon.”

With a quick salute, I was off to Gryphonia.

Author's Notes:

Just a little chapter while the juices are flowing. Keep in mind that Max never has been a terribly stabby kinda guy, but he keeps his knives around just in case. Better to have plan B on standby than not. In any case, Stay cool kids.

Edit: Fixed a few run-ons like usual. Syntax and what not.

Chapter Twelve: I've Earned an Express Ticket to Hell

Author's Notes:

At 7720 odd words, this has been the largest chapter by far. Radical. If you like the story so far, give a thumb so I know whether I'm doing well or making a shit sandwich. I've put this note on top this time because I felt like it. Hopefully there's no issues with this chapter. If there are, lemme know in the comments.

Stay cool, kids.

Edit: So this is where I started saying Stay Cool. Huh. Fixed a few sentences, broke up a paragraph or two. Nothing big

I arrived in a small town near the border of Gryphonia named ‘Farrier’, which seemed to be slightly larger than Ponyville. Seeing as how Ponyville was a small town anyway, Farrier was not terribly impressive. I left the Teleportation Station with Velvet Breeze’s note tucked away in one of my pockets and made my way over to the museum where I would be briefed on the finer details of my mission. Strolling through Farrier without my usual confident swagger felt off, to say the least. My ego had taken quite the bruising at the hands of Celestia, but for some odd reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to be upset with her. After all, I probably gave her good reason to be mad at me, but as is the case with most of my dealings with females, I didn’t know precisely why. Of course, my crass manner and brutal honesty (at times) probably didn't help my case, but even thinking of how cruel she had been when she betrayed my trust by mentioning my brother and how I had abandoned him, I couldn’t feel justified in giving her a piece of my mind. It just didn’t sit well with me, no matter how hurt I was. I decided that once I finished my job, I would go back and talk to her civilly as an adult instead of the so called ‘petulant stallion’ she saw me to be, and maybe win her back. Come to think of it, I never even technically had her, but I lost her all the same.

Snapping out of my reverie, I realized that Farrier was just as colorful as Ponyville and Canterlot were, though it seemed a little more spread out compared to Ponyville's densely populated Town Square area. At the armory, I had been given around two hundred or so bits for traveling expenses and possible bribes, should the need arrive or should I be here longer than I originally planned. I thought of a few extra things I might need for my mission while I walked past some odd shops and thought of a way to hide my identity; it wouldn’t do to have my identity revealed to the enemy. I stopped by a clothing and accessory shop by the name of ‘Shirts, Shoes, and Sweets!’ and met a disgustingly neon stallion whose attitude was more sour than a can of Charms crossed with a lemon puree. When I brought a mottled, bedraggled scarf that was dye various shades of grey to the counter, he gave me the most disgusted look I’ve seen in my time in Ponyland. I politely told to to ring the damn thing up before I shoved it down his throat.

And so he did.

There was a reason I picked the scarf; the shades of grey combined with the black outfit I was planning on wearing gave the effect of a shadow with speckles of light, which in my experience so far had kept me from being caught multiple times. That, and I think grey goes well with most of my wardrobe, seeing as how it’s made of varying shades of blue, black, and the occasional green (which I started wearing to signal that I was looking for a job back in England). After I shoved the scarf in the satchel I’d been given back in Canterlot, Lupa and I kept on to the Museum, though the looks she was getting were rather amusing. It’s not every day you see a dire wolf strolling around with a hairless ape after all.

We alighted at the Museum of Equestrian History shortly. We were almost charged a fee, but once the receptionist mare realized who we were, she hustled us through the foyer into the offices in another wing of the building. We passed a few exhibits of little interest; things like old timey wagons and water pumps were on display. It would’ve been a very boring walk if the mare leading us by the hand hadn’t had quite the shapely posterior. Lupa must have sensed my attention leading elsewhere because she gave me an awfully bleak glare after nipping my heel. I gave her a sheepish smile and she rolled her eyes, looking forward once more while I returned to having some fun. The receptionist left us in front of the poshest looking door in the building and went inside. After a moment of waiting, we were lead in. The mare sitting behind the desk seemed to be up in her years, though she still had a bit of fire in her eyes. Her slightly faded forest green coat and lighter emerald green mane streaked with greys and a couple strands of white gave her an air of authority.

“Maximus I presume?” The green mare asked cordially.

“The one and only. And you are, miss…?”

“I am Grape Sprinkles, the Cur-”

“You what?” I giggled.

Ms. Sprinkles gave me a stern look. “Grape. Sprinkles. As I was saying, I am the Curator of The Museum of Equestrian History, and Her Majesty Princess Luna has given me your orders to be delivered immediately upon your arrival.”

“Sounds about right. Are they in a document, or are you going to give them to me orally?” I was fighting a smile at this point.

She was not amused, though I did hear the receptionist gasp. “This is a very serious matter, Maximus, and I wish you would take it as such. Your orders are to cross the Gryphonian border on foot. We have located the artifact in question and have found that it now resides in the manor of Hedard, one of Queen Elfriede’s lesser vassals. His manor is close to the town of Hildegarten, which is a five hour journey from here. Keep off the main roads. Upon your return, you will return the Diadem of Sovereignty to me for inspection, then take it back to Canterlot to be placed our sister Museum.” She sighed heavily after the last part.

“Why take it back to Canterlot? Can’t you just ramp up security here?” I asked, sensing a story.

“That is along the lines of my own request; I do not want one of the few exhibits of meaning to leave my Museum, it is my pride and joy after all. But I have little say in the wishes of the Princesses. I understand that if the premises were compromised twice already, there is little reason that they could not be compromised once more. It truly does sadden me to have the Diadem leave us, but to keep it in Equestrian hands is far more important than my own selfish desires.” She sighed again.

“Well, has the princess said anything about the Warbling blade? If I can’t return the Diadem to you, I could at least bring that one back.” I offered.

She waved it aside while I was still speaking. “It is of little use to anypony, and having it in the museum was… Unsettling. I personally wouldn’t mind if it never came back, but if you were to find it, I believe Princess Luna may reward you for the extra effort.”

“What do you mean by unsettling? And the Princess told me the blade was pretty old itself, why wouldn't you want it?”

“My museum named it the Warbling Blade because once it’s touched, it creates the most eerie sound we have ever heard, somewhere between what I would imagine a banshees cry to be and the sound of striking metal tongs.” She shivered “As I said; rather unsettling. So far, everypony avoids it as much as possible, and the poor mare that used to clean our displays quit after touching it one too many times, so no. We do not want it here and would be quite happy, I assure you, if you did not retrieve it at all. That evil weapon can rust in Gryphonia for all we care.” She stuck her nose up and huffed.

“Well I plan on grabbing both if possible. It can’t possibly be that bad, now can it?” I was trying to lighten the mood. It wasn’t working.

“I suggest that you stick to your mission, Mr. Maximus. Merry Melon, please show this stallion the way out.”

“Of course Ms. Sprinkles”

“Wait, what about my guide? Princess Lulu told me she had someone to get me to where I need to go. Also, what about exfil? I’ll need a way home, right?”

“...Lulu?”

“There were other parts to that question, you know.”

“Yes,” She paused, rubbing her temples, “You'll meet your contact at the Stoic Stallion, and he will await your return in Hildegarten. It is a border town, so it’s not uncommon to see ponies there, just do not do anything to compromise your positions.”

“Alright.” I patted Lupa’s head and turned toward Merry Melon. “Let’s go.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Stoic Stallion was an average looking pub, nothing outstanding stroke the evidently handsome unicorn stallion sitting in the corner who was garnering plenty of attention from the females in the establishment. I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about, besides the fact that he happened to be jet black with a crimson red mane, which was ridiculously over styled if you ask me. And before you say so; no, I was not jealous, just a little confused. After all, he seemed like just about every other stallion I had seen so far, except he never smiled. Even when he laughed his face never really moved.

It was rather uncanny.

I took up a spot at the bar and ordered a myself a beer and a bowl of water for Lupa to pass the time. We sat alone for the most part since the patrons gave us a rather wide berth; Having a wolf that’s as tall as you are doesn’t hurt when you want to be left alone. It also doesn’t hurt when you want to be spotted. The black stallion strode over with his groupies in tow until he politely informed them that he a was more of a ‘stallion’s stallion’ and most of them backed away, dejected and a few visibly upset. He sat next to me when he was clear and extended a hand my way.

“Crimson Tide, at your service.”

I shook the proffered hand “Max and Lupa, I’m sure you can figure out who is who.”

“I can. We’ll leave at nightfall, if you’re already prepared. No offense or anything, but I wasn’t expecting Max to be so big.”

“I’m Max, mate. The wolf’s Lupa. Got a question by the way.”

“Nothing else to do. Go ahead.” He sipped the drink he brought with him.

“Are you you really gay, or did you just say that to get over here unencumbered?”

“Does it really matter?” He raised an eyebrow.

I replied with a cheeky grin. “What, can’t sate a little curiosity? If we’re working together, I might be able to use that.”

He frowned. “I don’t think I particularly enjoy the idea of being used, Max.”

“Well if you’re straight, would you really want to hit on another man?”

“If I was straight, why would I want to do that?”

“First, gotcha. Second, if you’re as popular with dudes as you are the ladies, you could pretty easily get us out of a jam if need. Just think, we run into any guards on our way out, you could talk us out of trouble.”

His frown eased and he gave me the side-eye. “You could have started with that. You know there are ponies out there that don’t like ponies like me. They’re few and far between these days, but you never know who will judge somepony just because of their tastes.”

“Personally, I don’t give a shit what you want to stick your dick in; it’s your choice after all. I just like to mess with people, sorry if it’s a touchy subject.” Wait… Did I just apologize?

While I was coming around the realization that I just apologized for only possibly offending someone, Crimson Tide was giving me a thousand watt smile.

We talked for a little while longer. It turned out that he was one down-to-earth fellow with a penchant for fashion, ironically. We traded stories until nightfall and promptly left the building. I had forgotten that pony liquor was a little stronger than the stuff back home and had already done a few shots to maintain a nice buzz. That was, of course, before I stood and stumbled. I could walk a straight line if I had to, but I still needed to dip into some more of my travel fund to grab a pretzel from a bakery that was closing up.

Munching the soft, chewy pretzel and having fed Lupa some fish, we began our journey to Gryphonia. Now, I know some people would expect me to chronicle our super cool journey down the barren dirt roads that lead to the border, but honestly? It was boring. Besides trading a few more stories, nothing really happened. Crimson did fall once (which I got a laugh out of) but other than that; completely unremarkable. It was a pretty eye opening lesson into why the journey itself often gets skipped in stories.

We came to the border and found Hildegarten soon enough. The first thing I noticed was that it was far more spartan in decor. Stone and brick made up most of the architecture and the whole city was drab and grey: a far cry from the colorful, warm atmosphere that plagued Ponyland. It felt more like home with it's overcast sky and dreary mood, and I couldn’t help but feel some regret that I had left. My life the crummy old town I was born and raised hadn’t been all peaches and cream, granted, but it had been home until I wound up in the technicolor Hell that was Ponyville The damned happy, smiley, all too friendly ponies reminded me too much of what I’d lost, and of my own dark nature that I held from them as much as I could. Not that I did it well, but I tried at the very least.

In any case, my homesickness could wait until I was safely back in friendly territory. As it was, I needed to locate the mark, wait until nightfall once more (it was morning by the time we’d arrived) and get a good nap. Crimson and I hadn’t stopped since we had left Farrier, so we were both ready for a nice place to grab a hot meal and a soft bed. Lupa. on the other hand, never seemed more happy with her tail wagging to the beat of an unheard song. It must have been awfully up tempo, because every time she hit me with the damned thing it felt like a ten year-old was beating me mercilessly with a plastic cricket bat and I swear it was beginning to leave a bruise. Instead of just telling her to stop, we continued onward after a brief moment with the town guards men and it was then that I noticed just how terrifying the Gryphons were. They were majestic in a sense; apex predators with a the sleek grace that only being at the top of the food chain can give someone. Their sleek plumage came down to the collarbone on average, some a little further, some stopped a bit short, and their fur was different from the ponies. It was more lustrous, like they had been built from the ground up to be aerodynamic and it all blended together to give each individual Gryphon the same air of ‘Fuck with me, and I’ll eat your family.’.

These were not people to screw with unless I had a knife in hand. Which became evident all too soon. Crimson had the bright idea of asking a local for directions to the nearest inn, and the bloody fucker told us to follow him. I voiced my concerns in harsh whispers, telling him to reconsider, but my concerns fell upon deaf ears. He stated his reasoning to be that if we did get ambushed, that we may be able to talk our way out of any trouble, possibly gaining more information on a few other relics that had been lost and forsaken. I retorted that getting ambushed was a great way to get killed until we died to death.

I was ignored.

We followed the stocky fellow into the alleyways of Hildegarten, my eyes flickering to every shadow, looking for any alcoves or any other places there may have been another fellow waiting, and Lupa's tail had stopped wagging, a low growl building in her that was barely audible. Corner after corner we followed the nameless Gryphon until we found ourselves in the shittiest side of town, to put it bluntly, and seconds after leaving the dark, sketchy alleys we found ourselves surrounded by five Gryphons including our ’guide’ and two shady looking ponies, both of the ‘earth’ variety. I had stopped at the edge of the alley way to ‘tie my boot’, surreptitiously pulling three throwing knives and my dirk though I had my doubts of whether it would do me much good here. After all, it was a only about fifteen centimeters long, and regardless of how pretty the Damascus steel was, I doubted that I could stun them with my taste or with the edge I kept. No, we were in for a slugfest where Crimson and I were the special guests.

Crimson Tide looked around and seemed a little less worried than he should have been. I did a quick scan and saw no weapons among them (at none that were visible) and debated on ditching Crimson to let him deal with his stupidity by himself, or to back him up. I made a mental note to deck him later and took up a position by his side with Lupa. I’d love to say that we made a formidable trio, but all we had was a pretty boy, a shaggy young thief, and a wolf the size of your mums arse. Lupa was the scariest thing we had going for us, but I didn’t want her getting hurt on my watch. God forbid someone touch my fucking pupper and live to tell the tale. I’d be on them like a metaphor on a simile.

“So, gentleman. What have we here, a little welcoming party?” Crimson flashed a winning smile. I swear I saw one of the Gryphons blush.

The Gryphon that lead us there smirked. “Yeah, thought I’d introduce ya to some of my pals, eh?”

I had to put my hand over my mouth immediately. This man here had the thickest, most stereotypical Canadian accent I’d ever heard, and I died a little on the inside trying to hold back my laughs. Thankfully attention was on Lupa and Crimson or I believe we might’ve gotten jumped before I could get myself together.

“Well how nice of you! Maybe we can all grab a drink later, on me. For now, my friend and I just need to find a place to lay our heads; it was an awful long journey for us to get here.”

“Ya know, don’t get too many hosers like you fellas ‘round too often. Yeah, we got Scratch and Jam,” He threw a hand in the general direction of both ponies respectively, “but there ain’t too many Ponies come around here without reason. And more than a few bits to see whatever reason that is through, ya know what I mean?” His smirk grew and the group around us gave a few dark chuckles.

The bad feeling was back with a vengeance and I took inventory. Three throwing knives in my left hand, and three more in my left boot. One dirk in my right. A larger, though shitty, throwing knife in my right boot opposite the sheath for my dirk. I had a good shot at pissing off at least three of them and giving one a good shank before they pummeled us into a gooey, delicious, sarcastic, pulp. Crimson was trying to work some magic, but apparently he wasn’t that kinda unicorn. I would say it wasn’t working out too well.

“Now, gentlemen, I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement, yes? My friend and I will hand over half of our travel fund, and we can all walk out of here while looking forward to a nice meal and a stiff drink. What do you say?” Crimson bargained

“Hmm,” The stocky fellow pretended to think, “Nah.”

Crimson’s face turned placid. “I will break every bone in your body.”

A few jaws dropped, mine included. While they were busy being stunned, I quickly whipped my three knives out, one catching the pony named Jam in the eye, dropping him. Another hit a random Gryphon in the throat and he fell as well, clutching at his throat. My last knife caught our new friend high in the pectoral, and as my last knife flew, so did Lupa, rushing the last pony. She lunged at him, maw agape and began ripping pieces off of him, his screams echoing throughout the hard, grey bricked building until the his last blood filled gasps permeated the air. Four Gryphons remained and they were all staring aghast at the corpses of their former friends, at least, they would have if Lupa hadn’t sprung into action once more, taking one of them down and ending him much like his friend. I had enough time to grab my larger throwing knife as well as my smaller ones. The last three Gryphons were easy pickings. Not for me, but for Crimson. I hadn’t noticed, but when Lupa had taken down her second target, Crimson had bounded towards them and delivered swift, lethal blows to our former guide. The other two wised up quickly and began to run, so I fixed my grip on the larger knife and let it fly, the extra weight and momentum driving it deep into the taller Gryphons back. He dropped and I could see the terror and tears in his colleague's eyes when he realized he wasn’t getting back up. He had hesitated too long; Lupa and Crimson were on him, both of them forcing the poor bastard to give up the ghost. I looked around us, the area now awash in what felt to me like a sea of blood. Numb, I collected my daggers from the bodies nearest me with Crimson returning the rest. I wiped them off on a nearby cadaver and resheathed them.

“Well that could have gone better. I hate it when they don’t listen.” Crimson sighed and I stared as he and Lupa began dragging bodies to the alley, covering them in rubbish to hide them. I was shaking harder than I ever had in my life. Once they had finished, my eyes met my guide’s and I promptly threw up.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“What’s gotten into you, Max?” Crimson asked over a meal. We’d found an inn on the better side of town called the Halved Horn and reserved rooms. Well, Crimson did the talking as I stood off to the side.

“I…” I began I couldn’t find the words.

How could I tell him that I’ve never actually killed anyone? I’ve gotten people killed, usually not on purpose and I usually didn’t even know, but I had finally soiled my hands with blood with lucky shots at that. I’d had plenty of time to practice throwing knives, but the guys I hit in the eye and throat were really just bad luck. I had taken the lives of four people without a second thought, regardless of whether or not I aimed to kill. Four sons, possibly fathers, brothers or lovers. All dead by my hand. Seven, if you counted my presence in guilt to be doled out. My rationalizations couldn’t protect me from the sheer hatred of myself over what I had done.

“Max. Look at me.” Crimson garnered my piecemeal attention. “Have you ever taken a life prior to what happened this morning?”

I shook my head. He gave me a look full of pity and comprehension. Lupa whined with her head on my lap. She'd never left my side after we got her and Crimson cleaned up, and I was willing to bet it was because she could feel my distress.

“You heard those stallions, Max. I rather doubt we would’ve walked away from that with a few bruises and a good story. And from what the Princess told me, you wouldn’t have survived. You did what you had to to to see another day, and don’t you dare regret that. Even Ponies, as soft as most of us are, have the instincts that tell us to survive.”

“I get it, mate. I do. Me or them, kill or be killed, whatever spiel you want.” I buried my face in my hands for a moment, the strength I had held onto for hours leaving me all at once.

“I get it, but we could’ve handed over the money and ran. You coulda magicked them into leaving. We coulda fought it out without killing them. Hell, I know there was another way but it’s not the guilt that getting to me right now, it’s the fact that I only felt bad about it for a few hours. What the hell kind of monster kills four people and walks away without a care in the world? What kind of monster feels nothing mere minutes after ending lives? I’m a thief, mate. I’m a liar, a cheat, an arse, but never, never, Did I ever think I would be a murderer.” I whispered.

He was silent for a few minutes. We both digested what I had said as I picked pecked and at the food on my place while Lupa lay on the floor. The three of us just sat there for awhile, taking in the silence and the calm.

“You know this isn’t going to be the last time if you continue working for Princess Luna, right.” It wasn’t a question.

“From the way you handled yourself, I figured as much. I’ll deal with this shit later, compartmentalize. Let’s just,” I took a deep breath and let it out to the count of ten, “let’s just focus on the task at hand. When do we leave for Hedard’s manor?”

Crimson gave me a worried look. “We can wait until tomorrow, if you’re… indisposed. There’s no deadline to this mission, Max”

“The sooner it’s over the sooner I can go back. And we don’t know if anyone saw us when we… Killed those guys.”

His face hardened. “Then shape up, we leave in two hours.”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hedard’s manor was easier to find than a massage parlour that did a little extra in London. It was the biggest house I’d ever seen besides an estate in Canterlot that I’d passed on my little midnight romp, and it was rather well guarded. Two men at every entrance, though we weren’t going in through the front door. No, Crimson and I had scouted the place out once it was too dark to see much and found that someone had left a window open. The only problems were that it was on the second floor and we didn’t know where exactly the artifacts were being kept. Our entrance being on the second floor and the high wall around the estate meant that we’d have to leave Lupa behind at the inn. I gave her my orders and she promptly left to go back to her bone, though she did give my hand a few goodbye licks, possibly as a good luck charm. Once she was out of sight, I was in charge. Breaking and entering were my specialty, after all.

“So what do we do from here?” Crimson requested.

“Get us over the wall and onto the ground, we’ll make our way over to the wall and you’ll go up first; I can’t see from here if I’ll have any handholds, but your coat should make you hard to see anyway. A little scouting never killed too many.”

“I really don’t like the way you word things sometimes.”

Crimson got us over the wall with no problem with a little levitation spell, both of us keeping a lookout over the barely lit grounds for any signs of life. Once we were sure the coast was clear, we sauntered across the open ground and got to the window soundlessly. Crimson went up first and I found that the bricks jutted out well enough that I could scale it with no issues. I got the all clear from Crimson once he was inside and began my ascent. Having climbed up more difficult walls in the past, this one wasn’t so bad. Once inside, I found that we were in an empty guest room. After a quick search, I found a few baubles that I felt it was within my right to keep, no matter the dirty looks I was getting from my partner.

“Do you really need the necklace?”

“No, but why not?”

“You’re ridiculous” He shot me a frown, though the edge of his mouth twitched.

“I’m a thief, mate. It’s damn near in my blood.”

“I’m sure the Princess will understand.”

I put the necklace back.

We continued our endeavor, sweeping the second floor completely in about half an hour. I had Crimson move upstairs to sweep the relatively safer higher floor while I took the first, the one that would most likely be the best guarded. Turns out, I was right. I dashed from cover to cover, never allowing more than a minute squeak as I made my way around the first floor. Every few minutes I ran into a guard patrol that I avoided by ducking into a room or staying still and silent in an alcove. I was halfway through when I found the treasure room.

It was rather pretty if you ask me, and my sticky fingers ached to grab every pretty little bauble I saw, knowing I could fetch a good price for each of them. I saw multiple swords of varying lengths, suits of armor, necklaces, brooches, pendants, rings, raw uncut jewels. In short; everything a thief could ever want. Every shiny thing I saw, I yearned for deeply, and since I was putting old skills to good use anyway…

I had to stop and remind myself of what I was looking for: a dagger and a crown, and nothing more. Repeating that mantra to myself over and over again until my hands stopped aching, I continued my search, weaving in and out of the somewhat dimly lit displays, more than a few still catching my eye despite the constant reminder. It took me a little bit to find exactly what I was looking for first; The Warbling Blade. It was clearly marked on it's display, though the previous descriptions did it no justice at all. It was a beautiful Damascus hunting knife around twenty-five centimeters long, with a curved, shiny silver quillion that seemed like it would hold your finger just right, which rested on top of a lovely ebony handle that seemed to draw in light. The pommel was chased in silver and curved slightly forward to form an interesting looking face that looked somewhat human, though it was somewhat hard to tell: the image shifted and swirled, making it awfully hard to actually discern what it was. I had to have it. Doing a quick check around the case for any pressure sensitive plates or trips, I did another quick scan around the room, lifted the case and took the dagger along with the sheath that held it. When it touched it, I heard nothing except the odd howling of the wind that seemed to pick up once I added the sheath to my belt.

With the Warbling Blade in hand, I skulked over to the case that appeared to hold the crown or whatever I was actually looking for, crouching low. I scanned it as I did the other case and found a pressure plate underneath it, which complicated things quite a bit. I was willing to bet that with the level of tech I’d seen so far in Equestria wasn’t advanced enough to have terribly sensitive pressure plates, so I just needed to find something heavier than the crown to place there. I began looking around before I face palmed. I could just flip the case and be done with it. Not like I had to place a replica. I lifted the case carefully and set it on the pressure plate, being especially cautious as I slowly pushed the crown off. The crown fell and I caught it just in the nick of time as the alarm went off.

So much for my brilliant plan.

I raced upstairs and ran smack into Crimson, both of us staring wild eyed as we retraced our steps back to the room we’d came in from. We could hear the guards tromping about, making their way toward our general direction as they swept each room. Without further ado, I held the Diadem of Sovereignty tightly and Crimson grabbed my shoulder, teleporting us outside with a little effort. We made a mad dash across the estate grounds toward the thick treeline that would hide us. We heard guards call out, but I couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, but the look I got from Crimson told me to keep running. I didn’t exactly need any extra impetus to beat feet, so we ran like the Cerberus himself were after our asses. We broke the treeline and I saw Crimson look back every few meters to see if I was keeping up with him, which I was barely doing on flat ground. Once we got deeper into the forest, however, my agility allowed me to maintain most of my speed, dodging trees and hopping over roots while Crimson had slowed a little. We kept up that breakneck pace for as long as we could, finally stopping after climbing high into the safe cover of what seemed to be a sugar maple. I couldn’t tell the exact species because I’m not an arborist or whatever and it was dark as hell. The trees leaves were densely packed and provided excellent coverage from the air and ground, and that’s really all we gave a damn about. Barring a tree to tree search, we wouldn’t be found and could catch our breath for a moment, or at least, I could. My lungs had been on fire a few minutes into the forest and I’d had a stitch in my side; not terribly conducive to running. I was a duck and sprint kind of thief, not one much for a long haul, and at the moment I could not be more envious of Crimson’s stupid pony stamina. He was as out of breath as I was and he looked like he needed to be lead to some water, but otherwise his panting ended a full minute and a half quicker than mine and with no mentionable aches. We stayed in the tree for the rest of the night, and once dawn broke, I donned my cloak and we went back to the town of Hildegarten to collect Lupa.

It was a considerable walk, even with Crimson’s path-finding spell to lead our way. Turns out, he’d tagged myself and Lupa with a location spell when the bartender in Farrier gave us our drinks. I was none too happy about having a glorified GPS chip put in my drink and I doubt Lupa would be pleased either; if he’d told us about it we probably might’ve given our consent. Okay, that was a lie, but I still would rather have been asked. No matter how I felt about the issue, it was leading us back to my pup and we’d soon be out of Gryphonia all together, back home where I could deal with the emotional trauma I had accrued. Man, fuck was that was going to suck, but I could hopefully just put it off until I grew into a cold heartless bastard incapable of feelings. Come to think of it, I’d rather just deal with the pain all at once; I never have been a fan of prolonging anything that can be handled quickly.

We broke the tree cover and found Hildegarten in a frenzy with Gryphons and ponies scurrying about like mice. After some inquiries, it turned out that our little party in the slums had been discovered and we needed to get out. Now. We did as the Romans did and picked up the pace, power walking back to our inn. Guards stopped us twice on the way there, asking where we’d been yesterday, and since the exact time of the murders would have to be discovered by forensic unicorns later, we were able to skate by on the grounds that the innkeeper of the Halved Horn vouched for our whereabouts. From there Lupa rejoined us and we got the fuck outta dodge via the forest, led by Crimson’s path-finding spell once more.

Seven or so odd hours later, we were back in Farrier with no events occurring on the trip back. We’d stayed in the forest for quite a while before taking the main road again since I didn’t really want to be seen with a bulging bag and a rather large knife on my hip. It wasn’t as uncommon in Hildegarten for people to carry weapons of various kinds, but in Ponyland? Thankfully the Warbling Blade had an extra strap that allowed me to carry it horizontally so I could hide it, but the bulging satchel was fairly obvious and we got a look or two in town, but nothing more. Our little trio got to the Museum of Equestrian History weary and tired from the nonstop walking, though Lupa was fine of course. Crimson and I, on the other hand, were exhausted from going nearly forty eight hours with no sleep and we were running on fumes by the time we hit town, and I know only the prospect of being done with this sordid affair was keeping me going.

The same receptionist met us at the door, and after one look at our enervated expressions, she knew not to hold us any longer than she had to. That or she was just an expeditious person. Either way, neither mattered; I was ready to be done and back in Canterlot before sunset and nothing, not even Ms. Sprinkles and her ‘affable charm’ could hold me back. Through my exhausted eyes I barely recognized the place I’d been only a day or two ago, though I did recognize Grape Sprinkles herself. Her sour expression hadn’t changed in the slightest, and it didn’t abate even as Crimson and I walked through the door behind Merry Melon.

“I suppose you have the Diadem of Sovereignty with you?” She asked, cutting strait to the point.

“We do.” I replied.

“Then why are you here? I thought I gave you your orders? You’re to return it to Canterlot, not bring it back here you fool. It’s a small marvel you were even able to reclaim the Diadem if you’re so incompetent!” She riposted. Bitch, you told me to bring it back so you could inspect it!

“Look here you bloody fucking twat, if I wanted to hear your condescending bullshit I’d just fuck ya and marry your bitter wrinkled ass. As it is, if ya don’t shut your fucking trap, I’ll stick it closed with a knife. Ironically, the knife I was planning on bringing back to you is the knife I’ll do it with, so you can either thank me for being a nice fella, or you can shut the fuck up and we’ll be on our way” I snapped back.

Sprinkles was silent for a moment, her eyes wide. “Did you just threaten to stab me?”

“Is that really all you got from that?” Crimson asked, as tired as I was.

“It was the most Important part, if you ask me.” I cut in.

He sighed and shook his head. “We brought you the Warbling Blade. I don’t see what’s so special about it, but Max apparently loves it. If you want it, we can leave it. If not, he’ll keep it.”

“We do not want that accursed thing here. Take it with you and please let the door hit you on the way out.” Sprinkles replied with some venom.

I whipped the blade out and presented it to her. By slamming the point into her desk. “I’d want to keep this if I were you, it’s an awfully pretty piece.”

Sprinkles gave me a glare. “That is most certainly not the Warbling Blade. The blade is-”

Every eye in the room was one the blade as it transformed into a plain, smaller knife. It was worn with a simple light brown handle. It had altered into a completely unremarkable piece.

“-Yes, we’ll keep it!” She nearly shouted.

I prepared my most shit-eating grin and let it go, full force. “Touch it.”

She looked between myself and Crimson, worry etching itself into her face for a moment before she tentatively extended a hand across her desk. The moment her finger made contact with it, the blade made the most eerie, most terrifying silence I had never heard. Every pony in the room shivered and Grape Sprinkles retracted her hand, holding it as if she had been bitten, while Crimson and Merry Melon cringed. Lupa shook her head and I raised an eyebrow at the reaction of the ponies.

“That was entertaining. I think I’ll keep it, seeing as how you fellows can’t use it.” I picked up the blade and it warped back to the form I was familiar with.

“How?! We need to study it, to catalogue it, understand it!” Merry Melon nearly shouted.

“How do you plan to study it if you can’t even touch it? It’ll stay with me until further notice, and in case you and Sprinkles don’t remember, I was told to keep it. I was told that you didn’t want it, but now that it’s interesting, you’re oh-so possessive.” I was being a dick at this point. I was planning on letting them study it, of course, but even in my exhausted state I still love screwing with people.

“What do we have to do to convince you, Maximus? Anything within our grasp, you’ll have, just name it.” Melon and Sprinkles were looking at me intently, and I could tell that they were getting desperate. My only question now was whether or not to screw with them some more or just hand it over.

“I don’t know, I went through an awful lot of trouble to nab this, ladies. What do you have that could persuade me? I’m friends with at least one of the ruling Princesses, so I’m pretty sure their favor could land me just about anything I could want. I didn’t see anything in your museum that caught my interest and the only thing I want at the moment,” I grinned at Merry Melon, remembering the first time I’d visited the museum with Lupa, “is a piece of Melon. I’ve heard it’s sweeter around these parts.”

The mare in question was blushing up a storm and Sprinkles looked outraged that I’d even suggest such a thing. Crimson, meanwhile, was trying not to laugh and was failing. Before things got worse, I forestalled Sprinkles’ outburst with a raised hand.

“Relax, I’m kidding. You can study the knife, but I want you to send it to me once you’re finished.”

“We can’t study unless you’re around! We need you to stay here so we can delve deeper into its mysteries.”

“Not happening, love. I’m going back to Canterlot tonight, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me on this. I’m ready to get out of the field.”

Sprinkles sighed and drummed her fingers on the table. “Then there’s no point in keeping it here. Take it and go, I don’t want to deal you anymore.” She massaged her temples. I’ve noticed I had that effect on people.

Crimson and I left while left while the sun was just beginning to set. We walked and talked a little more, both of us chuckling at my antics at the museum. Lupa nipped my leg while we were laughing at Melon’s reaction, so she obviously didn’t approve, but it was worth it to see Melon’s and Sprinkle’s faces after my sultry insinuations. Farrier was still a smallish town, so we arrived at the Teleportation Station in no time.

“Glad you were my partner on this, Crimson. Can’t think of any other Pony I would rather have with me.”

Crimson extended a hand. “It was my pleasure. Who knows, maybe we’ll work together again sometime? If you keep working with Princess Luna it’s likely.”

We shook. “Don’t know if I will.” I drew a deep breath and sighed. “I’m none too happy about what we did. The actual mission part I wouldn’t mind doing again, but I don’t know if I can take anymore blood on my hands.”

“Understandable, not everypony can do what we did, just be glad you made it through in one piece.”

“I am. Why don’t you come to Ponyville some time? I've got a house there, and I know the area pretty well. We could grab a drink at the local bar, and I could probably get you laid.” I gave him a cheeky grin.

“I don’t have much trouble on that front, friend. Goodbye, and good luck.”

Crimson began walking toward the town and raised a hand with his back towards me. I didn’t bother waving back, instead opting to go into the Teleportation Station. Lupa lead us as we met a brown stallion who waved us onto the runes without a word. I was grateful to not have to trade niceties for once and closed my eyes. A moment later, I opened my eyes and the face of the mare I had met before my departure greeted me with a pleasant smile.

“How’d your trip go?” Velvet asked brightly.

“Fuckin’ sucked."

Chapter Thirteen: Third Time's The Charm

Author's Notes:

Long ass chapter, and they seem to be getting longer. Lemme know what you think in the comments, tell me how I'm doing, all that jazz.

That said, this chapter wasn't as much of a bitch to write as some others. A thousand or so words an hour isn't a terrible pace if you ask me.

Stay Cool Kids

Velvet’s smile wavered as she gave me a confused look. It was then that she gave me a more complete once over and raised her eyebrows, whistling.

“Looks like you’ve been put through the ringer, guess it wasn’t that much of a snatch and dash, was it?” I could’ve sworn she didn’t have a southern accent when I left. Not that I minded. In fact, I thought it was a plus.

“Sadly. It wasn’t. Much as I’d love to stay and talk to you a while longer, I think I have about half an hour to find a bed.”

“What happens if you don’t?”

“I’d have to ask you toss me on Lupa. I’m pretty sure she could carry me wherever I need to go. How about it?” I stroked Lupa’s head, her tongue lolling about as she tried to play dumb.

“I don’t think she heard you.” Velvet giggled.

I mock sighed. “Such a shame, everything I say is so profound. Maybe I’m just tired. Could you get a message to Princess Luna for me, love?”

“Of course, write it down and I’ll send it to her right away, though I can’t guarantee when she’ll get it. The sun hasn’t even set yet, and it probably won’t for another hour or so.”

“Well damn, I didn’t think there was that much of a time difference between here and Farrier. I’d ask you to change that to Celestia, but I’m sure she’s still pissed at me. Know of any good inns around here?”

“I don’t know about many that would accept a fella like yourself,” She frowned, then snapped her fingers smiling once more, “but with the seal of a guard or one of the Princesses you could probably get a room at one of the guard barracks. There’s plenty of spare beds, though I can’t say they’re very comfy. And I don’t know if they’d let you keep your dog with you.”

I let the dog comment slide. “I’ll take what I can get at this point. Why wouldn’t some inns accept me?” I could almost feel my minuscule reserves of energy fading fast; I was getting awfully slow on the uptake.

“Well, around here if you don’t have money or aren’t one of the Princesses chosen few, you don’t get very far. That, and an awful lot of ponies around here are pretty discriminatory when it comes to extra-pony races. I’d say you’re probably in the worst town to be in with your situation right now.” She gave me a pitying look.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Fuck ‘em. As long as there are still people like you around, I guess this upper class hell hole isn’t to bad. I thought ponies were supposed to be all peace and love anyways, but there are always exceptions, I guess.”

I hadn’t known Velvet too long, but she seemed like a friendly type to me. A little more than friendly if her proposition from our first meeting was anything to go on, but still a pleasant sort nonetheless. She also seemed like the smiley type; she was doing it again, and besides a few exceptions, it was pretty much her default expression.

“Well thank you, but most of the Night Guards are like me. We might look more intimidating than the Day Guards, but that just means we try harder to be friendlier. To a certain point, it kinda just sticks with you.”

“I’m glad for it. If you don’t mind, I’ve got to go find some place to crash before I pass out standing up.”

“Weeeeeell,” Velvet began.

“Yes?”

“You could always spend the night at my place. I get off when sun sets today, if you think you can wait that long.”

I may or may not have blushed a little. “Sounds like a fun time to me, though I can’t promise I’d be awake too long. It’s been a wild forty eight hours, and I really could use the sleep.”

She giggled. “I know, that sort of thing can wait, darlin’. I’m just saying my place is closer than any other prospect and there’s no paperwork to fill out.”

“Lovely. I’ll wait then. Is there a place I can get off of my feet?”

“Your what now?”

I pointed downwards. “Feet. Like hooves, but with little finger like appendages.”

“Oh, you mean like monkeys?”

“I guess you could call me a great ape, but I ain’t no monkey, love.”

“Are you sure? You kinda look like a shaved monkey to me.”

“All natural, believe me. No shaving necessary for the most part.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You can have a seat in the over there,” She pointed at an uncomfortable looking bench behind me, “while I burn an hour.”

“Doesn’t look like you have much to do right now. We can keep talking if you want.”

And so we did. The Teleportation Station in Canterlot seemed about as busy as the one in Farrier, which is to say, not busy at all. Velvet Breeze explained that it was because most ponies get sick after teleporting long distances, and that long-distance travel was the only reason to use them. As it was, ponies hated teleporting enough to pay unicorns to do it for them. Apparently runic teleportation and unicorn teleportation felt different, and few enough unicorns had the raw power or specialization to use the teleportation spell, so the ones that could use it were paid hefty fines for it. Around Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle was famous for her magical know-how and her willingness to use it. Unfortunately that ended with a pony or two stuck in a wall in her early years, which required Celestia or a team of powerful unicorns to pull them out. After that happened a few times, she stopped using the teleportation spell until she went to magic school and learned how to do it properly. I asked how Velvet knew all that and she said that Twilight was pretty well known since she was Celestia’s personal student. The stories of her successes and failures were pretty much common knowledge among the castle staff and guards.

The time passed quickly as we talked, and although I was still tired, I was feeling a little better when we left. Lupa had taken a quick nap and moved sluggishly before we finally landed at Velvet’s flat. It was a pleasant Brownstone. If I knew more about architecture, I’d go further into detail, but frankly I thought I was lucky to even recognize it for what it was. We entered and I learned that it was much bigger inside than it had seemed on the outside with plenty of space for Lupa to have a lie down. I, on the other hand, excused myself, went straight to Velvet's shower and started pulling out clothes that I would change into. With no soap or shampoo of my own, she graciously allowed me to use her brother’s that he’d left from the last time he’d visited. It smelled pretty good, like teakwood or something similar, and definitely masculine enough to not make me feel like a pretty princess. The hot shower did my aching muscles a world of good, and washing off the sweat, dirt and grime I had accumulated made me feel even better. It wasn’t until I found blood underneath my fingertips that I really thought about anything.

That meant my mind was plagued by the eyes of the men I had killed, the lives I had snuffed out without so much as a second thought. I didn’t feel guilty about it, but I felt guilty about not feeling guilty, if that makes any sense. It made me wonder what kind of monster I had become to kill so easily. I also pondered how I even got blood under my nails until I remembered the pony whose eye I had put out with a throwing knife. Retrieving that one had been grizzly business and I managed to get out of the shower over to the john before I threw up. I dried myself off and rinsed my mouth out before cleaning up the water I had spilled everywhere, doing everything I could to focus on the task at hand instead of my crimes. I failed miserably. I couldn’t avert my thoughts from the seven dead men and I scrubbed the floor furiously with a towel like I could wipe my sins away with manual labor. I don’t know how long I was sat there, stark naked wiping away at the floor, but I knew it was a while.

Velvet knocked on the door. “Hey Max, you okay in there, darlin’?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. Just got caught up looking at myself in the mirror.” I weakly jested. My voice had cracked and I felt something warm run down my cheek.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’ll be out in a mo’.”

I wiped away the warm streak on my cheek and numbly realized I was crying. The incident in Gryphonia had taken a heavier toll on me than I had previously thought, which was good; meant I still had some humanity. I quickly got dressed and suppressed the feeling; stiff upper lip and all that. Once I was sure there would be no more stray tears, I opened the door and stepped out. Velvet was leaning on the left side of the door, chewing on her lip looking worried. I gave her the best smile I could conjure at the moment and she meekly returned it.

“Max.”

“Yes Velvet?”

“I could hear you, you know.”

“Sorry, was my showering singing that bad? I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.”

“I know we haven’t known each other long, but you can trust me, darlin’. You don’t have ta’ keep it all bottled up.”

I nearly lost it right there. Her sincerity touched me deeply, but I still held the little grin I had put on when I stepped out of the lavatory. Call me whatever you will, but I couldn’t bring myself to confess to her. I couldn’t trust someone with my darkness so soon after being betrayed, after being burned by someone so badly.

“I am trusting you, Velvet. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” I joked. It sounded a little off to me, but I was hoping she wouldn’t notice.

She didn’t have to. She reached over and wiped a stray tear off of my face that I had noticed. “I don’t know why stallions think they can’t share what’s on their minds. Keep it to yourself too long and it’ll eat you up. Won’t leave much of ya’ behind either.”

“I don’t want to trouble you with my problems, love. I’ll be over it soon enough, don’t you worry.”

She sighed and crossed her arms, giving me an apologetic look that confused the hell out of me.

“I can’t make you talk to me…” She paused.

“Nope.” I interjected, grinning a little wider like a smile could hold back what I was feeling.

“Killin’ ain’t easy, but it’s a necessary evil sometimes.”

I was blindsided. In hindsight, it must’ve been rather obvious, but I still wonder how she knew.

“I know that, love. It’s a lesson humans have been teaching and learning for generations.” I wiped away another stray tear.

“Your eyes are a lot more honest with your feelin’s than you are. It’s eatin’ you darlin’. I promise I won’t say a word to nopony, just talk to me. This ain’t somethin’ you should have to deal with alone.”

My voice shook slightly as I spoke. “Last time I trusted someone with my secrets, they threw ‘em in my face.”

“I can promise you that I won’t do that to you, Max.” Velvet took my hand. “And I can promise than nothin’ you say will ever leave this house if you don’t want it to.”

I looked down, not able to meet her eyes. “I’m dirty in ways that I can’t clean.” I tried to pull my hand away from her. She was stronger than me.

“I killed a pony, Max. It’s not somethin’ I’m proud of, but the only way I was able to look past it, to see myself again, was to talk to somepony. I know what it feels like.”

“Velvet…”

“Yes?”

“I know I did what I had to. I already talked to my partner on the job about it.”

“But?”

I took a deep breath and the tears fell freely now, completely betraying the wall of stoicism I had hastily constructed. My voice quaked with every syllable.

“I didn’t think twice. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t feel bad about it for long. What kind of creature can even do that?”

“A pony with it’s back to the wall is dangerous. Its instincts come out in ways they never knew possible, and yeah, a lot of ponies get eaten up by the act of killin’ another. Some ponies get eaten up because they know they’re supposed to feel bad about it and don’t. The fact that you’re cryin’, the fact that you’re feelin’ somethin’ about it means you’ve still got a heart, Max. You’re not some monster, and you’re not a beast. You’re just a stallion that did what he had to to come out on top and see another day.”

“There were other ways, Vel. There was something I could’ve done to make it come out some other way. I killed four people because I didn’t think hard enough.” Velvet embraced me.

“It’s so easy to look over the other options, darlin’. When you’re neck deep in it, you hardly stop to think of all the ways you can dig yourself out, you just claw until you’re clear. It’s not your fault.”

“It is.”

“Those ‘people’ didn’t have to back you up. They didn’t have to push you to the point where you felt it was necessary to take their lives. Trust that you made the best decision in the moment, and be thankful you had the stomach to do it. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here talking.”

I had nothing else to say. Everything Velvet had said rang true, and in the warmth of her arms, I lost myself. I let my heart crack, and the world around us faded away until all I could feel was the ache I had put in the back of my mind. I don’t know how long she held me, but I do know that we ended up on the couch and fell asleep sometime that night.

I awoke that morning with Lupa on my lap and my head resting on Velvet Breeze’s shoulder. I thought back to the night before and knew that I had made the right choice in trusting her. Thinking back to the event, I noticed that some of the sting was gone and that my heart wasn’t as full as it was before. I could breathe without that indomitable weight on my chest and the only thing I wanted now was to rest a little while longer. I closed my eyes and dozed off and on again until I woke once more, realizing that I was considerably more horizontal than I had been the last time I woke up. Velvet had gone off somewhere and Lupa was nowhere to be seen. I sat up and listened to hear the sound of something in the kitchen, where I was assuming Velvet was cooking. I got off my lazy bum and stretched, meandering over to the delectable scent of cooking eggs as I looked around, actually taking in my surroundings. Velvet’s abode was actually rather nice, if not a little spartan. A few bits and bobs of modern looking furniture were tastefully strewn around her flat, though I didn’t see anything that would specifically mark the place as decidedly male or female. I rather liked it, to be honest.

I walked into the kitchen and was greeted with a smile from Velvet herself and a bark from Lupa who immediately started nudging me with her head towards Velvet. I allowed myself to be pushed and chuckled all the way, pushing my big hunk of furry love away when I was a meter or so away from the grey mare. I gave her a smile that I could put my heart behind and received one in turn.

“I see somepony’s feeling better.” Velvet chimed

“Thanks to you, love. I owe you for last night.”

“I think I’ll keep that favor for later if I ever decide I need some extra hands when I move. You eat eggs?” She pointed at the skillet on the stove.

“I sure do. Thank you."

“You’re welcome.”

I went to sit down, but Lupa was right behind me, pushing me towards Velvet again.

“What do you want, Lupa? “

She barked and looked at Velvet. Velvet and I looked at her, then at each other.

“I don’t speak wolf, do you?”

“Nope, don’t believe I do.”

Velvet looked at the skillet. “You think she wants some eggs? I gave her some bread and gravy earlier, she might still be hungry.”

Lupa growled.

“I don’t think she wants eggs.” I stepped closer to Velvet and Lupa’s tail wagged twice.

Another step, another wag. I stepped back and she growled.

“I think she wants you to come over here, darlin’.”

“You’re probably right.” I walked over until I was within arms reach of Velvet.

Lupa barked and wagged her tail, walking in a circle. She sat up and looked at us expectantly.

“What do you think she wants?” Velvet asked me.

I reached over and turned the stove off, moving the skillet to a different aisle. Taking Lupa’s hint, I wrapped my arms around Velvet.

“I think she wants me to show some gratitude.” I grinned and kissed her gently, trying to let my actions speak what my words wouldn’t be able to.

She was a little surprised at first, but kissed me back in no time, surprising me in turn with a little tongue. I pulled back and grinned at her, enjoying the warm, fuzzy, comfy feeling that had enveloped my heart.

“If that’s how you show gratitude, I wonder how you’ll pay back that favor.”

“Any way you want, love.” I looked over at Lupa with Velvet still in my arms. She cantered over and ran a little circle around us; a blessing she’d never given me with Celestia.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I left a little bit after one, having enjoyed a nice breakfast with Velvet and Lupa. I'd decided to leave Lupa behind for now with Velvet's blessing so I would attract less attention. After getting some directions, I tracked down the Canterlot Museum of Art and History, the Equestrian Museum of History’s sister location. It was about an hours walk from Velvets flat, and the entire way there, I was comparing Velvet and Celestia. I know that’s not fair to either of them, but I was pondering the differences in the way they me feel, rather than their physical differences, seeing as how I’m not some shallow, topical twat. On one hand, the more I thought about the way Celestia had made me feel electrified like sparks were jumping between my digits, the more it felt like I had been engaging in some forbidden romance, like I had been trying to raise my self to her level so I was worthy. The comfort I felt with Celestia was… fabricated in a way and I wondered if she left all of her subjects with a similar feeling. The more I recollected, the more I was sure that I had fallen for Celestia’s image and stature, rather than the woman herself. Sure, we had flirted and joked back and forth, but in hindsight, it felt like Celestia was enjoying being treated as a normal person more than any real interest in me. I wasn’t completely sure that I wasn’t just bitter at having my trust betrayed after it had some time to settle in or if I was accurately remembering how I felt with her, so I decided to withhold final judgement until I talked to her again.

On the other hand, Velvet had given me a radiant feeling of warmth, different from what Celestia had. Velvet was soft and gentle, like stirring the coals of a fire that was ready to burst back into life, while Celestia’s had felt like the sun, constant and inviting until it burned you. I would have to talk to her to fully understand what I felt, but I was wary of getting hurt once more. I had little trust in her now, and felt like like she would take a stab at me if she felt justified. My head was muddled throughout my journey and it wasn’t until a guard stopped me and asked me just what exactly was I doing before I realized that I’d walked around the museum a few times now. With a quick explanation of ‘woman troubles’ and an apology, I headed inside. Already, the Canterlot Museum was far more grandiose than it's sister with it's tall marble columns and multi-storied layout. The place held similar relics to that of the Farrier Museum, but everything seemed to have an aura of importance that Farrier’s exhibits had been lacking, possibly given by the tapestries and decor of the Museum. It was a lovely place if you were a history oriented fellow, but I had been absent for a lot of the interesting history classes in school and didn’t care much for Equestria’s boring tales. No real wars to speak of, besides one with Gryphonia a long time ago, and one with the ‘Changelings’ that had barely any details. All in all, it was boring and tedious, though I had done some reading at Twilight’s despite the intense lack of interest.

I met the receptionist (an elderly stallion this time) and he led me to the office of the Curator. Maybe it was upper-crust atmosphere in the fellows office, but I already didn’t like the bastard. His faded black mane and mustache paired with his beige coat gave him an air of douchery that I was none to eager to converse with. That and the sheer disdain he glared at me with caused my lip to curl and the hair on my arms to stand on end. I could spot a sleazeball a mile away and I had big one right in front of me.

“You… are this Maximus the Princess has told me about?” He sneered.

“I am.” I pulled the Diadem of Sovereignty from my satchel and set it on his desk.

“I can’t believe you put the Diadem in some… bag. Do you even know what this item is worth?”

“Not enough to deal with you, I assure you. Can I go now?” I snarked.

“Please do.”

And so I did. Man, fuck that guy. I’m pretty sure he had some redeeming quality like ‘money’ or ‘status’, but other than that I got the same feeling from him that I got from a crime boss in Wiltshire; slimy and despicable with fewer morals than a desperate junkie. If I didn’t have to, I wasn’t going back to that place anytime soon and was quite happy that it was over and done with.

I stroked the Warbling Blade’s hilt as I left, taking long strides to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. I was stopped by the receptionist and he gave me a check that I could cash at Canterlot City Bank. It was worth eight thousand bits, but it felt like I holding a used bog roll. From the check, I learned that the dickbag's name was Bourgee and I cracked up at that. He certainly seemed the type, though I doubt any pony of Equestria would quite get the adequacy of his name.

I left the Museum in no small hurry and began the hour long walk from there to Canterlot Castle. I sighed inwardly, but I knew that I had to talk to Celestia at some point, and that point may as well be sooner rather than later. The trip itself was uneventful, but I did make a few stops along the way. My first was to the bank to cash my check and open an account there. The Teller seemed awfully surprised at the sum, though I was rather nonplussed. It wasn’t until later that I learned that I could rather easily buy a house in Canterlot, and furnish for it with that amount. It made me wonder what my house in Ponyville was worth and whether or not I should sell it to move here. I stashed the thought away for another time and continued walking. I left all of my earnings in the bank since I still had a little over a hundred and seventy bits in the pouch I had been given at the castle armory. I didn’t quite realize just how much I had been given at the time, though now I was seeing the gold, silver, and bronze pieces in a new light.

I don’t believe I’ve recorded the currency system of Equestria in my journals before, so I’ll do so now. The bronze bits were worth one, the silver twenty five, and the gold were worth fifty. It wasn’t a terribly complex system, so I never thought to jot it down, but I figured now would be the time just in case I became an amnesiac and needed to remember.

Come to think of it, thirteen entries in isn’t really the time to write that in, but I had run out of room in my earlier pages so fuck it I guess. It got explained. As it was, I had a gold bit, four silvers and twenty bronze to buy Velvet a present with, so I stopped at a sweets shop called 'Canterlot Crown Confectionery' and browsed their selection. I found a box or two of interesting looking chocolates for fifteen bits a piece and bought one as a thank you for my temporary roomie. I didn’t know what she liked, so I figured one of the variety boxes would do, and if nothing else, they would make a great snack for myself.

I made one more stop at a pet shop and bought a massive personalized collar for Lupa. I didn’t know how she would feel about it, but I figured the least I could do was get her something nice. I do know that she is colorblind, so any colors on it would for my benefit more so than hers, thus Lupa ended up with a black and royal blue collar that matched her eyes and coat rather well. With all of my purchases made, I continued to Canterlot Castle.

It didn’t take me much longer to get there, though the Day Guards at the gate were right pricks. It wasn't until I threatened them with Luna’s fury that they let me through. The thing was that they had their damn eyes closed the entire time! Up until I threatened them, they were happy to turn me away, but they looked when I incited a Princess’s name. If they could do their damn jobs I wouldn’t have given them the tongue lashing I did. Hmph. Fuck mothering twats.

I got an audience with Celestia an hour or so later, and let me tell you, standing in front of her had to be the most awkward experience so far. She had stammered a greeting and formally requested a private audience.

Once we were in a more private sitting room, she took a deep breath and calmed herself.

“Max, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you like that. I was just frustrated and I felt everything I said was being ignored. The moment you left the room I cried for an hour, I never should have thrown the information you trusted me with in your face like that. I felt so terrible…” She looked like she felt terrible too. She seemed sincere, and my gut told me that her words had some veracity to them.

“I understand, Princess.” I replied evenly. I still couldn’t bring myself to be much more than irritated with her, despite her brutal words.

Celestia looked at me worried. “Do you forgive me, Max?”

“That’s a hard question to answer, Princess. I don’t want to forgive you, but you tried to warn me about Luna’s task, so I feel I owe you something for that.” Celestia looked stricken and confused.

“What do you mean? What happened during your mission?”

“I dirtied my hands with blood for the first time. It took it's toll on my soul.”

She looked like she was about to cry. “I’m so sorry, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you, Max? I know it’s hard-”

I held a hand up to silence her. “A friend allowed me a shoulder to cry on and enough rationalizations to get the worst of the burden off of my heart. I don't doubt that I’ll have nightmares about it, but nothing will change the fact that I’m a killer now. I wish you would’ve told me about that before I left.”

“I tried, but I couldn’t! How would you look at Luna if you knew she dealt with trained killers? What would you think if I told you about our darker dealings?”

“Love, I wouldn’t have thought of you any differently. You forget that I’m not one of your innocent little ponies to be protected and sheltered. The moment I met you, I knew you had shady dealings that you couldn’t tell me about; no empire survives without them and yours is no different, it’s just more peaceful now. Did you really think that someone with as shady a past as mine would think less of you for some dirty work? I know you two have black operations that no Pony knows of, and I’m sure both of you have blood on your hands. Hell, you’ve lived for thousands of years; there’s no way you got here without spilling blood.”

“...You knew. You knew and you still trusted us?”

“Is that the royal 'Us' or yourself and Luna?”

“Max, please.”

I rolled my eyes. “I thought it was amusing. Yes, I still trusted you. I had no reason not to. For the most part, you’ve been nothing but good to me: giving me the benefit of a doubt when it came to the incident with Twilight, giving me a house of my own, bringing me to Canterlot to help me recover and stop me from getting revenge on Applejack and Fluttershy. All that adds up to a pretty decent person if you ask me.

Celestia was silent for a minute, digesting what I had just told her.“You’re different now. More mature than you were before you left.”

“Taking multiple lives tends to do that to people.”

“You still never answered my question, Max.”

“And that was?”

“Can you forgive me for betraying your trust?”

“I can. Don’t expect it now, however. That still hurt.”

She was quiet again. “On a scale of one to ‘I’ll kill you in your sleep’, how upset are you with me?”

“Uh, I’m really not? I’m hurt and a little wary of giving you more trust, but other than that, we’re fine Celestia. I could say I forgive you now, but I wouldn’t mean it completely and that’s the whole reason I would even say it.”

Celestia sighed a breath of relief though she still seemed upset.

“Something on your mind, Sunbutt?”

“I really wish you’d give that nickname up.”

“I could call you Double Sun.”

“Why would you do that?”

I gave her a cheeky grin and gesture toward her sizable bosom.

“That’s like me calling you Monkey Dick!”

“I assure you, I’m much larger than a monkey. You should know that, Double Sundae”

Celestia and I chuckled, enjoying the back and forth we had during the days when we first met. It seemed so long ago that we just flirted back and forth without getting anywhere back in Ponyville that it felt nice to get back to square one.

“What say we give this another shot, Max? I think we can talk through our issues if they come up, as long as I remember our boundaries. I can promise you that I won't betray your trust again like that.”

Uh oh.

“W-Well, I dunno how to put this, Celestia…”

“Max.”

“I’m kinda seeing another mare at the moment.”

“Oh thank god, I thought you were gay for a moment! You went on that mission with Crimson Tide and said you cried on a friend’s shoulder, I just went to the worst case scenario!”

“What’s so bad about being gay? Homophobic much?”

Celestia blushed and flustered. “There’s nothing wrong with homosexuality, Max! As long as my little ponies are happy, so am I. I was just worried that I wasn’t going to get another shot after messing up so badly.”

“You didn’t mess up badly enough to turn me gay, but doesn’t the whole ‘seeing another mare’ thing bother you?”

“Why would it? Polygamy isn’t uncommon these days.”

“What.”

“Does England not have polygamous relationships?”

“No, not really. It’s not unheard of, just looked down upon.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to try it?” Celestia’s ears twitched and lowered.

“...I’ll try anything once?”

“You don’t sound too sure about that, Max. Don’t force yourself to do it, you’ll only make yourself unhappy in the end.”

“Well, I’d have to bring Velvet over to meet you to see if she’s okay with it. I mean, It’s not fair to break up with you after one mistake, but it’s not fair to break things off with Velvet after what she’s just done for me. That, and Lupa gave us her blessing, so I think that’s a good sign.”

“Lupa never gave us her blessing.” Celestia pouted. It was adorable.

“You also never made me breakfast after consoling me, to be fair.”

“So Velvet is the owner of the shoulder you borrowed?”

“She is. Like I said, I’ll bring her here whenever it's convenient for both of you to meet, I think you’ll get along well.”

“We can only hope. I’ll arrange to take the rest of the day off so I can meet her properly.”

“In that case, I’ll be back shortly.” I gave her a peck on the cheek before I left.

I’ll admit, I was a little dazed after my meeting with Celestia. After all, it’s not everyday you find a Princess asking for your hand in a poly-amorous relationship with a mare that your dire wolf pushed you together with.

Good God, my life has gotten fucking weird real quick.

Luckily my walk wasn’t all that long since I had actually passed Velvet’s flat on the way over. I was going to stop by before to drop off my presents, but I didn’t think about it too hard and forgot to do so, but now I thought that the addition of chocolates to the news would soften the blow, or at least lessen some of the shock. Or maybe I could work this in a certain way and fuck with her. Yup, definitely going to fuck with her. I grinned like the devious bastard I was as I walked to her flat and knocked on the door. I had to make sure to wipe it off of my face before she realized something was up. After knocking twice and hearing nothing, I let myself in to find Lupa viciously mauling the poor mare on the floor like a wild animal!

Well, when I say ‘viciously’ I mean adorably and when I say ‘mauling’ I mean licking. Velvet was obviously going nowhere anytime soon and was giggling her head off as Lupa nuzzled and slobbered on her. I closed the door and leaned on it, smiling to myself wondering what I had done right in a past life to see such a heartwarming scene.

“Lupa, heel! Stop! Sit!” Velvet cried from underneath the wall of floof

Lupa did sit, but she chose her seat well. She was still squishing the poor mare and licking her face. I figured she had had enough so I intervened.

“Lupa, heel!”

I fucked up. Lupa’s head whipped around and she set her sights on me, leaping off of Velvet and lunging wildly. I managed to dodge her first attempt and tossed my bag off to the side. Lupa circled around and lunged at me again, but this time I tripped on my recently discarded bag and ended up flat on my arse with a slobbering wolf now standing over me. She pushed me down and I had no choice but to close my eyes and mouth and take my punishment like a man, though I’m pretty sure some of the sounds I made deducted points off of my man card. A good five or so minutes later, Lupa had had enough and let me up, covered in drool and fur. I looked around to find the source of the giggling that had been going on since I was pinned down and saw Velvet with a towel in hand.

“Thanks for the assist, darlin’. I don’t think my mane would’ve appreciated being soaked in dog drool.”

“Lupa’s not a dog, love, but I hear you. Can I have that for a moment or two?” I asked, chuckling

She tossed the towel my way and I got the worst of the drool off before Velvet asked me a question,

“So what do you mean when you say Lupa’s not a dog?”

“Well, she’s not a dog.” Lupa barked. “She might act like it sometimes, but she’s definitely not a dog.

“So what exactly is she? I’ve never seen a bear that friendly or a timber wolf that furry.”

“From the size of her, I’d say she’s a dire wolf, or something like it at least. I thought You knew that.” I cocked my head to the side with the wolf in question mimicking me.

“I’ve never seen one. I thought she was just a really, really big dog of some kind.”

I fished around in my bag for Lupa’s collar and her chocolates. “You could say that, but she’s more than just a friendly fluffball if she needs to be.” I handed the chocolates to Velvet and held the collar up for Lupa.

“Awww, you didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did. I’ve been meanin’ to get down to the Triple C sometime.”

“Glad you like them. I figured I’d give you a little something for opening your home to Lupa and I.” I approached Lupa with the collar and she cocked her head again, looking at me with some confusion.

“Again, you didn’t have to, darlin’. If Lupa’s not a dog, why are you tryin’ to put a collar on her?”

“Because I think it’d be cute on her. Besides, if she has a collar, more Ponies are going to be less terrified of her.” I’d gotten the collar around Lupa and she trotted off to the general direction of the bathroom.

Velvet and I shared a look before going in after her to see what was up. We peeked in to see a massive wolf preening in the mirror.

“I think she likes it.” Velvet said after a moment.

“It even has her name on it.”

We walked back to Velvet's living room and I took a moment to observe her attire: A nice white cardigan over a dark blue camisole with dark denim jeans. Quite tasteful, if you ask me. Velvet noticed me looking and gave me a puzzled smile, which I returned. I took a deep breath and readied myself for some possible shouting.

“So how do you feel about polygamous relationships?”

“They’re fine. I wouldn’t mind one, if that’s what you’re askin’.”

“That is what I’m asking. I just came back from speaking with the woman who supposedly left me ‘heart broken’,” I used some air quotes, “and we decided that ending it over one mistake didn’t sit well with either of us. She enlightened me to the odd fact that polygamy isn’t uncommon among you Ponies so I figured we could give it a try. If you’re willing, that is.”

“Well, I’d like to meet the other mare in this equation before I agree to anything. Though that makes me wonder what you’d have done if I’d said no.”

“I’d have chosen you. It takes a kind soul to accept and console someone they barely know. It’s not as hard to restrain someone from seeking revenge if you’re in a certain position.”

“That’s true, but I’m not too sure you should trust somepony that just broke your heart so soon.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance. You’ll understand better once you meet her though.”

“What’s her name?”

“You’ll find out when we get there, though we should probably wash up first.”

Velvet shot me a sultry grin. “If we shower together, it’ll be faster”

Lupa tactfully made herself scarce as Velvet and I started kissing in the living room. We started innocently enough with pecks and smooches, but they soon devolved into a contest of will, each of us playfully struggling for dominance. I let her win, of course, but that didn’t stop her from taking advantage and exploring my mouth with her tongue. Her control wasn’t the finest, but her enthusiasm more than made up for it. We allowed our hands to roam across each other’s bodies. Mine started with her breasts and ended on her fine derriere which was a beautiful balance of plump and squeezable yet toned; proof of vigorous exercise and careful sculpting. I cupped each lovely cheek in both hands as her own hands stroked my chest and arms, eventually weaving around my back to pull me closer which caused her pleasant C-cups to press against my chest in the most delectable way. All the while we never broke our kiss as we continued to probe and analyze the other. She broke our kiss by biting my lip and entreated me to a sexy smile. Velvet took hold of my hands and lead me to her lavatory where we began anew, this time without the haste we’d previously had, slowing down to enjoy the moment. Velvet, ever the proactive one, removed my shirt and began working on my belt with no further motivation.

With my trousers and shirt gone, I took off my last piece of clothing and Velvet grasped my member with vigor, firmly enough to let me know that she had plans for it. I interrupted her with another kiss and whisked her cardigan with her camisole following soon after. I grinned at her blue silk covered brazier and unclasped it quickly, taking a moment to kiss each pert tip before I began working on her jeans.She stepped out of them in a hurry to continue where we’d left off, but my fully erect member demanded attention after being let down on two different occasions. Velvet took it in her hand once more and pressed my tip into the moistening folds of her sex as I kissed and nibbled on the nape of her neck, following her lead by rubbing my tip against her nether regions. I had taken control and I could hear her barely suppress moans from my efforts which only emboldened me to further. I leaned down to take one of her now stiff nipples in my mouth and felt her hand pushing my head back. I gave her a befuddled smile.

“We can do foreplay another time. I want you now, Max”

I grinned and hooked my fingers through her panties, pulling them down.

“Your wish is my command”

With the last article of clothing finally gone, Velvet turned around and lead my member to entrance, not wanting to wait longer than absolutely necessary. I eased my way in, moaning at the feeling of her velveteen walls as they held me firmly, pulsing around my shaft and tip. When I had fully hilted her, I began thrusting slowly, not wanting to waste the moment. During my exploratory motions, I had found a familiar little bump with my tip, causing Velvet to finally release her lovely voice. I grinned to myself and angled myself by hiking a leg up on the rim of the shower, grinding her G-spot with my shaft as I thrusted into her. I was rewarded with another beautiful moan and that’s when I began in earnest, picking up the pace. With my hand feathering and stroking her clitoris, I switched angles on every eleventh thrust to keep my mind focused on lasting longer, and to vary her experience. I felt her walls quiver while I was on my sixth cycle and Velvet when silent for a moment, her moans beginning with a new vitality they’d not had before. She was getting close and so was I. Redoubling my efforts, I maintained my pace while thrusting deeper into her now dripping sex, using the full length of my shaft to grind against her little bump. Velvet’s walls tightened and I could feel her squeezing down on my shaft, my poor endurance taking a heavy hit as she climaxed. I was seconds behind her and kept thrusting all the way through, my seed spilling deeply within her. We sat there and enjoyed the afterglow for while longer before my member could come back to strength.

Velvet began to stand before a placed a hand on her lower back.

“What, no round two?” I asked innocently

Velvet turned her head and grinned at me, her answer clearly expressed without a word, though she did remove me from her soaked entrance. She kissed me passionately on shaky legs while my restored member was making it known that it was ready for action. Velvet lifted a leg and held me against her, gripping my lower head. She placed me against her entrance once more and this time I felt a little less resistance as our juices mingled. From this angle, I couldn’t feel that familiar little protuberance, but that didn't stop me from giving her my best. The second time around I knew I would last longer, so I wasted no time setting a quicker pace. My work paid off as I had Velvet moaning again in under five minutes. Her slick walls were exquisite, and now that I had more time, I maintained my pace and held her shapely posterior with one hand and rubbed her clit with my thumb. I slipped the tip of my finger in her bottom and her half lidded eyes shot open. I had plenty of lubrication to work with, so I gently eased my middle finger deeper, causing her to bite her lip and murmur softly.

“I didn’t quite catch that, love.” I said in time with my thrusts.

“I-I said we’ve got to t-try that next t-time!” She stammered

“What’s stopping us now?”

I kept impaling her on my shaft, so it as hard to hear her answer so I cut my speed in half.

“Say again, love?”

“I said buck me however you want,” She replied in between breaths, “just be gentle”

I kissed her once more, taking my turn to explore her mouth as she moaned through her nose. I wasn’t ready to pull out just yet, so I waited for twenty two strokes and removed myself slowly as Velvet sighed. She turned once more and presented her impossibly perfect posterior towards me again, reaching back to spread herself and give me quite the view. I dipped two fingers into her wet sex and coated them thoroughly before lightly prodding her rosebud with my index finger. Once I had pressed it as far as it would go, I removed it and inserted my middle finger, stroking her insides as I pulled it out. I repeated the process until she had a small orgasm, shuddering from my endeavors. While she was still mid-climax, I worked two finger into her, going as slowly as needed in order to avoid hurting her. By the time I had added a third, I was only semi hard and she was nearly ready. I rubbed my tip against her sodden entrance to lubricate it once more and pressed my tip into her, sliding in with a 'pop'. She gasped and moaned as I smoothly worked my way in, her tight, bumpy walls giving me a different sort of pleasure than before. I continued to work her clit the deeper I went, and she had another small orgasm around the halfway point. I kept at it until I was fully inside of her, and I was struggling to hold on as her walls flexed around my shaft. It was something I had only read about before and found myself enjoying it profoundly. Velvet murmured a few times, softly begging me to start. I had no reservations and began thrusting gradually, my fingers never stopping their assault on her clit though they did alter their methods; lightly pinching, stroking and flicking. I couldn’t help but pick up the pace a little as my pleasure grew, though I was careful to avoid going too quickly for her. The music she awarded me with along with her urges to hurry up and go faster were all the motivation I needed. I set a decent pace and knew that I had mere minutes to get Velvet to her climax before I met my own, so I counted my strokes and her moans as my pleasure kept rising. Fortunately for me, I only needed to work for a few minutes before I recognized the silence before the storm. I pulled out and quickly dipped my member in her wet sex once more before reinserting it into her other entrance. From there, it was only a minute more before Velvet was in the throes of her most intense orgasm yet, and as her walls tightened around me, I found myself unable to move. I was paralyzed as her walls squeezed my shaft, unable to thrust until her climax subsided. I slid my rod from her and her legs collapsed from underneath her. Catching her just it time, I eased her down and let her rest against my chest.

“We still have to shower, you know”

Velvet muttered something under her breath along the lines of ‘Go buck yourself”

I chuckled and held her, my erection not subsiding. I took the time to gently play with her breasts, stroke her mane and nibble on her ears. All brought different sounds with them. A few minutes had passed and Velvet was finally able to get back on her feet, however unsteady. I walked her over to the shower and turned it on, waiting for the water to get warm before helping her in. We washed each other, though it was strange using a full body shampoo on someone, but it wasn’t too odd. My erection was still making it's presence known, even after a thorough washing (probably because of the washing come to think of that). Once I was clean, Velvet knelt down and popped my tip into her mouth, her wide tongue wrapping itself about. As she began to bob her head, I focused on enjoying the moment, not wanting to make her work longer than necessary to get me off. I had been close at her last orgasm and I was coming back to that point quickly from her skills. I had felt the ever so recognizable feeling of reaching my climax once more before I had warned her. Once I did, Velvet augmented her efforts by working my shaft with her hands and swirling her tongue around my helmet until I was ready to orgasm again. I fired load after load into her silken mouth as she kept working. Once I had finished, she opened her mouth and showed me what she had collected before visibly swallowing. We traded contented smiles and dried off, groping and fondling each other whenever we saw something we liked.

“So, darlin’, how was it?”

“Better than you could ever know, love”

We’d taken so long in the lavatory that the sun was only an hour or so away from setting, so I ushered Lupa and Velvet out of the flat and onto the street. I took my long strides and Lupa kept up without a problem, though I noticed after a spell that Velvet was lagging behind, so I slowed down a bit and let her catch up.

“You know I can’t keep up with ya after what ya just did to me right? My legs are still tryin’ to figure out how to work again.”

“Sorry love, I’ll keep it in mind. At least, I would, but I don’t want to surprise anyone who happens to glance down, they might get jealous.” I quipped, my mood boosted.

“If ya want me to take a jab at your ego, keep talkin’.”

I shut up.

We covered ground quickly enough, though we had to stop once or twice to let Velvet rest a bit. I didn’t know what she was feeling so I was happy to oblige, and Lupa was just enjoying the time outside. I talked to Velvet, trading some stories with her as we strolled and hearing her input on the upper class society of Equestria. Before she had been demoted to a guard at the Teleportation station, she had been a rank and file Night Guard. In fact, she had gone to the most recent Grand Galloping Gala and had quite a bit to say about the ‘stuck-up, lazy, no good, spoiled rotten foals’ that had attended. It seemed that we shared a lot when it came to the nobility and we even had the same feeling about the curator of the Canterlot Museum of Art and History; he was sleazeball who most likely lied, cheated, and bribed his way into his position. I held the man in low regards if any, but Velvet actually hated the bastard. Apparently he had groped on one of her assignments, then denied the action citing that she was ‘a filthy commoner who should be grateful that a man of his stature even deigned it worth his time to talk to her.’ I was going to punch that guy the next time I saw him, well connected or not.

This time around, the Day Guards let us onto the Castle grounds without any kerfuffle since Velvet was a Night Guard herself. They took the time to glare at me and I flashed them an ‘up yours’ gesture. Of course they didn’t get it, but I did and that’s all that mattered. We walked into the castle and Lupa walked off to the castle gardens before Velvet asked the question that had been bugging her for half the day.

“So just who is this paramour of yours? If she works in the castle she must be important, or maybe you just like the maid outfits.”

“I do like a proper maid outfit, but she’s not one of the maids, little more stature than that, love.”

“Then who is it? Is it the Head of Staff?”

“You got me. It’s no fun if you guess it,.” I pulled a fake frown while I was inwardly grinning.

“You know that mare is wound up tighter than a spinster's rear, right? I don’t see what you see in her and I’m pretty sure I’ve known her longer.”

“You might’ve known her longer, but I know her better.” We took a turn and continued chatting about the pros and cons of the ‘Head of Staff’.

The sitting room Celestia had instructed me to go to when I returned was empty when we arrived, so I offered Velvet a seat while we waited. I lounged on a couch for a while before Celestia returned with a cake and a pot of tea behind her.

“It’s about time you got here, Max! I’ve been waiting for hours!” Celestia chided

Velvet's jaw dropped as she scurried to kneel before her ruler. “P-Princess! I-er-we weren’t expectin’ you!”

I bit my lips in order to hold back a smile and glanced over at Celestia and raised my eyebrows. She gave me a womanly look before it turned into a mischievous smile.

“Rise, and take a seat. May I have your name?” Celestia asked politely

“I-I’m Velvet Breeze, member of Princess Luna’s Night Guard”

“And I’m Max”

Velvet shot me a glare before she rose and took a seat. I hadn’t moved but I did smooth my face over before she could see.

“Hello Velvet Breeze, I see you’re waiting here for somepony?” Celestia set the tea set and the cake down.

“Y-yes Your Highness, We’re waitin’ for Ms. Moonlit Stream, the Head of Staff.”

“Oh, well I’m sorry but Moonlit Stream will be unavailable for quite a while; there was an issue with the staffing for next week and she’ll be sorting through it until later tonight when Princess Luna takes over.”

Velvet looked even more nervous, most likely because we didn’t have someone to vouch for us now. “Well t-that’s unfortunate, perhaps we’ll see her another time.” She glanced over at me with an expression that said ‘we need to go’.

I maintained a straight face and raised an eyebrow. “Hey Celestia, mind if I nab a cuppa?”

Velvet looked horrified.

“A cup of what?”

“Cuppa tea if you please.”

“Of course! Would you like some cake to go with it? I’m rather fond of it myself.”

“I dunno, what kind is it?”

Velvet looked at me with her eyes wide. She couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Germaneigh Chocolate,” Celestia poured me a cup and floated a slice over to me, “from the best shop in town, if a princesses palate is anything to go by.”

I tried the cake, and of course it was delicious, but seeing Velvets face made it even better.

“I don’t think your palate works right, this ain’t nothin’ to praise.” I winked at Celestia and she pretended to be offended.

“Well, now. Maybe it’s your palate that doesn’t work! I think Canterlot Crown Confectionery does just fine.” She huffed

By now Velvet had buried her face in her hands. Celestia and I shared a look.

“I think we should have Velvet Breeze be the tiebreaker, do you agree, Max?”

“Yeah, if her sense of taste is as refined as her arse I think she’s a pretty good choice.”

If Velvet looked horrified before, she looked absolutely mortified now. To be embarrassed in front of a Princess! She shot me the darkest glare I had seen in awhile, though it came off as incredibly adorable due to her intense blush. Celestia floated a piece of cake and a cup of tea over to her which she took in trembling hands. She set the tea down and took a bite of the cake.

“I-I agree with the Princess, it’s good.” She said in a small voice.

Celestia herself tried a piece of the cake and made a face. “Ew. Max, how did you eat this?”

“I was trying to be polite, but fuck, love. I told you it wasn’t up to par.”

“How true. I believe Ms. Velvet was just trying to preserve my feelings.” Celestia and I looked at her and she shrunk into her seat, trying to make herself invisible and failing.

I couldn’t hold it anymore and neither could Celestia: We burst out laughing at the same time, rocking Velvet’s poor little world in her seat. She looked so lost and confused it was hard to stop. After what felt like an hour I finally managed to get a hold of myself.

“Hey, Vel!” I giggled

“W-what?” She still looked completely lost.

“Meet our girlfriend, Princess Celestia!” The mare in question lost it and made the cutest snort. At that we looked at each other and began anew.

“Wait, What? What are you two laughin’ at!? What do you mean?!” Velvet all but screamed

“Celly’s the ‘Head of Staff’ I was talking about, love. She’s the 'tight ass' who quote unquote ‘broke my heart’. Still feel like telling her off?”

“It’s been a pleasure meeting you Velvet. I hope we get along well in the future!” Celestia giggled

“Are you bucking kidding me?! You-” She pointed at me, “ and you?” She pointed at Celestia

“Yes, that’s what we’re telling you. I apologize for the joke, but your reactions were so priceless!” Celestia got up and walked over to the mare in question. I stood next to her and gave both of them a peck on the cheek.

“Are you okay, Vel? You look like someone just tickled your bum. Oh! And speaking of, “ I turned to Celestia, “on the way over Velvet and I were having a chat and it turns out she lost some rank due to a chap named Bourgee. Apparently he molested her and when she brought it up to her commanding officer, the bastard had the nerve to insult her and deny it simultaneously! Can you believe that?”

“Dear Celestia, I need to lie down” Velvet said in disbelief.

“You don’t have to tell me, dear, feel free. I will look into this matter,” Celestia looked outside, “Now, actually. A simple truth spell will sort this matter out, and the sun has only begun to set. The Museum should be open for a few more hours. What say we take a stroll, Max? Velvet?”

Velvet was lying down, still thunderstruck.

“We’ve got the time for her to come back, don’t we?” I asked, amused

“We do. So why did it take you two so long to get here?” Celestia asked with a glimmer in her eye.

Velvet shot up straight. “We were attacked by Lupa, she went absolutely savage, licked everything, sat on top of me for hours!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at me. “I don’t know how long Lupa was on her, but it was obviously a while. She was covered in drool when I got back to her flat. The Lupa switched to me and I was stuck on the ground for a bit. Both smelled like wolf slobber, had to clean up.”

Velvet shot me a grateful look and Celestia hadn’t lowered that eyebrow yet.

“What?” I asked trying to sound innocent.

“If you two go at it again and don’t invite me, I’m arresting both of you.” Celestia said with a completely straight face.

“Fair enough,” I replied calmly. “But you’ve got to have a visit with Velvet sometime. Lovely flat, very tasteful. Great arse too, I wasn’t messing about on that.”

Celestia and Velvet blushed and shared a look. “Ya know, if we’re sharin’ him it's only fair.” Velvet said meekly, a smile forming on her face

It was Celestia’s turn to smile. “True, it’s only fair.” They both looked at me and grinned.

“I think I need an adult.”

“I’m one of the oldest beings on the planet.” Celestia’s smile grew a little darker

“I’m an adult too.” Velvet’s did the same.

I knew running was pointless, so I tried charm.

“How about you two lovely ladies not and say we did, yeah? We still have something to do if you don’t recall, absolutely gotta make it to the Museum!” I gave them my most winning smile.

They traded looks once more. Celestia gripped me with her magic and they both approached me slowly. “I’ll have to set an alarm for an hour, I do want to get our business done” Celestia said.

“We have two until the Museum closes, and I’m sure Bourgee doesn’t head home right at closin’.”

It was a going to be a long two hours.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After our time was up, and my pelvis was aching terribly. Velvet, Celestia and I were walking down to the Museum. Lupa had joined us as we left the castle and was trotting along happily. Celestia had to don a rather attractive disguise, but other than that, nothing worth mentioning happened. Well, nothing besides Celestia molesting both Velvet and I in public with her magic mane. I struggled to walk a straight line, though I wasn’t complaining, and the ladies were walking with a certain bounce to their step that had been missing before those two hours that were not worth mentioning again.

Every so often Velvet would twitch and I knew that Celestia was doing something. She diverted her attention to me every once in awhile and I had to duck down a side alley once to adjust myself. It was a fun walk, all things said, and by the end of it, all three of us were blushing up a storm. When we had finally gotten into the Museum, we had brought some blue maned, white coated stallion inside with us. He had been waiting outside, so I assumed Celestia had ordered him there or something, though he didn’t really say much.

Celestia transformed back into the stunning mare I knew her to be, and our little party fell in line behind her. I swear the elderly receptionist nearly had a heart attack when he saw her, but he bowed nonetheless. Celestia strolled through the Museum like she owned the place, probably because she did, and knocked authoritatively on Bourgee’s door. The salty fuck yelled something inaudible which she took to mean ‘come right on in!’, so that we did. The fellow hurriedly stuffed something under his desk and looked up with breath drawn to yell. He saw who it was and thought better.

“Your Highness, what a pleasant surprise! Have you come for a tour of the Museum?” He asked nervously.

“Shining Armor,” The blue maned guy stepped forward. “Cast the spell.”

His horn lit up and Bourgee’s eyes glazed over with a magenta sheen. His expression went from nervous to fearful.

“Bourgee, did you accost a Night Guard named Velvet Breeze and use your connections to drop her rank?”

“Yes Princess.” He replied, his voice shaking like he was trying to hide it.

“Then you will be accompanied by guards to Day Court first thing tomorrow morning. I thought you were a pillar of the community, Bourgee. I can't express my disappointment in you.”

Celestia turned to leave and the rest of the party followed. Velvet and I turned back to see the look on the slimy bastards face: he looked like someone pissed in his soup. It was suitable.

We all walked outside, though not before Celestia turned her disguise back on. The guy who I later learned was the Captain of the Guard was speaking to Celestia when Velvet, Lupa and I rejoined them.

“-still haven’t found the culprit. I don’t understand, Your Majesty! Who breaks into somepony’s house just to reorganize it?!”

I looked away and tried not to look guilty. Velvet gave me an odd look.

“I’m sure we’ll find whoever made a mess of your parents home, Shining, there can’t be many ponies with that kind… of… expertise.” Shit. Looks like Celestia put it together.

“We will, Your Majesty. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Not at the moment, thank you Shining Armor. You are dismissed."

The dude left and our little party shrank a little. Celestia glared at me for a moment before teleporting us all back into the sitting room we’d previously been in.

“Max.”

“Yes love?”

“...Why did you break into my Guard Captain’s parent's house?”

Velvet gasped and I put on a surprised face. “Whaaat? Me, no way! I’ve been out of town for a while and I spent the night at Velvet’s. When did the crime happen?”

“The same night you went to Gryphonia.”

“The night we met?” Velvet asked incredulously

“That’s the one. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Celestia.”

“Lupa, did Max break into a house that night? Bark for yes, growl for no.”

I looked at Lupa and silently pleaded for her not to sell me out.

“Woof!”

Fucking mutt.

Celestia shook her head and rubbed her temples. “Did you take anything?”

I sighed. “I considered it, but I thought it’d be funnier if I made something.”

“You turned their entire downstairs into a maze with a pyramid of chairs in the middle. How?”

“You can get a lot done when you’re quiet”

“Is this seriously the kinda thing I’m gettin’ myself into?” Velvet asked.

“Yup.” Celestia and I answered at the same time.

“In fairness, nothing was damaged, nothing is missing, and no one was hurt. How about we let this one go unsolved?”

“You know those are… You know what? Never mind, you’ll find out soon enough. As punishment…” Celestia thought.

“Don’t be too hard on him, Your Highness, I know you gotta do somethin’, but if you lock him up it looks terrible.”

“I would never dream of it, Velvet! And please do call me Celestia in private, if we’re going to make this work, we need to be on equal ground outside of politics.”

“Does anyone my input?” I asked

They both responded. “Shut up, Max.”

“What do you suggest, Velvet? I don’t really know what’s suitable yet not too harsh. I’d like to be able to talk to him and scold him whenever I want. Of course, I'd extend any methods of communication to you as well, dear.”

“He has a place in Ponyville, right? Make him serve his time there.”

Celestia and I shared a look.

“There’s somethin’ ya’ll aren’t tellin’ me, me isn’t there?”

“I may have had personal vendetta’s against two of the residents in the past.”

“...Do I even want to ask?”

Celestia sighed and made a gesture for me to tell my story. I gave Velvet the rundown.

“I was a former thief looking for a new life. Two friends of the woman I was staying with at the time learned about my past, so I begged them to keep it a secret. Another one of those friends overheard my story and called me out during a picnic. I stormed off, nearly got sucker punched, sucker punched the mare that almost sucker punched me and fucked off for a bit. Went to apologize and nearly got killed by one of the ponies I asked to keep my secret. Woke up in a hospital pissed as all Hell so Celestia brought me to Canterlot to let me heal and cool off. I’ve healed and cooled off, but I can’t promise not to deck the pony that nearly killed me or the one that spilled my secret. That’s about it.”

“...I’m so confused.”

Celestia went into more detail with her explanation and Velvet was brought up to speed.

“Well, maybe Max is ready to face them? He seems like he’d be mature enough to handle it without killing somepony.” Velvet reasoned. I blanched at the mention of killing someone.

Both mares saw that and looked at me. “Well, you have grown since you’ve come back. If you don’t feel like you could keep yourself under control, you can stay here.” Celestia bartered. I think she forgot that it was supposed to be a punishment.

“I’ll be fine, love. I’m ready to speak with Applejack, and I’ll need to talk to Fluttershy, but as long as they both don’t mind there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’m not sure I’m okay with this; we just consummated our relationship, after all. I know that Luna's agents aren't in one place for long, but I'd really like to spend some more time with him before we send Max off somewhere he nearly got killed!” Velvet reasoned

“I've got a few jars of dragon fire we can use to send messages back and forth, if that's any consolation. We’ve got to have faith in him. If he says he can handle it, we’ve got to trust him.”

“So that’s it? I’m off to Ponyville? To a point, I think I'd prefer a short stint in jail”

No one seemed very happy about that. So much for my good day.

Chapter Fourteen: I Hate Being Mr. Nice Guy

Author's Notes:

Long ass chapter is long. Would've done it yesterday, but I had shit to do because life. Rate and comment, I still wanna know how do I do when I do. Hope you enjoy.

That that is, is that that is not, is not.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Fixed some wording and spelling errors that I missed the first time around. Grabbed Diction by its head and whipped it around a bit.

I was sitting in Velvet’s living room after she and Celestia had given me their verdict. I was idly juggling throwing knives (a skill I picked up after learning how to throw them) as Lupa paced around Velvet’s easy chair where the mare herself resided. Velvet had told me on the way over that she already regretted even bringing up the idea of sending me to Ponyville, and Celestia didn’t seem terribly pleased either, but I thought they were punishing themselves more than me. Who can stand not having me around? I’ve gotta be the funniest human on this planet, though it doesn’t hurt that I’m probably the only one. In any case, Velvet seemed rather distraught and Lupa didn’t seem to happy herself. Judging by Celestia’s manner when we left, she was going to miss me, but I meant what I said pertaining to visiting Velvet; Celly and I shared a twisted sense of humor, and if Velvet liked it in me, I hoped that she would also enjoy Celly’s particular brand.

I didn’t really know what a polyamorous relationship entailed: were Celestia and Velvet expected to be romantically involved at all? Or were they only connected by me, and if they were, would I have to manage my time between them? It was going to be tough come Christmas time if I had to choose between them, or on dates. I was going to have to play to each of their interests, spend quality time with both of them, effectively putting in twice the normal effort, and I didn’t doubt that I was up to the task, nor did I doubt that I loved both of them. The only thing I was really worried about was them getting along, seeing as how Celestia was the highest power in the land besides Luna. If Celly said jump, it would take time before Velvet stopped asking how high mid-air and seeing as she was a Pegasus, it would be amusing to see how long she would float in place before asking.

I tried to put my thoughts aside, but with sharp objects in the air, I was kinda worried about breaking my concentration, so I caught them one at a time and placed them aside. Velvet finally looked at me once she noticed I’d stopped and offered me a weak smile. I could tell that she was a little perturbed and more than a little guilty about proposing the terms of my punishment without knowing the situation, but I’d already told her that I was ready to handle it like an adult, and that it was a good idea. Velvet still didn’t look convinced and her body language told me a lot, like that her arse was still sore. It also told me that she was deep in thought.

“What’s on your mind, love? I’m telling you that Ponyville isn’t that dangerous, I was just unlucky with my selection of ‘friends’. After a little chat, I probably won’t see them more than a couple times. I’m not exactly Mr. Social, you know.”

“I hear ya, darlin’, but I know to trust ya on that. If you’re good enough to lay the Princess Celestia, I’m sure you’re smart enough to talk your way out of a scuffle with some small towners.”

Something still wasn’t right. “If that’s not what’s on your mind, then what is? You told me yesterday that nothing good comes from keeping your worries locked up.”

Velvet sighed and rubbed her face. “I ain’t tryin’ to keep nothin’ from ya, but I just don’t know how to tell you without soundin’ foalish.”

“Trust me, you’re far from it, love. Disregarding how it sounds, talk to me, let me in.”

“I’m just worried about Celestia is all. I know I’m not much compared to her, and she has everything you could want in a mare; money, power, influence, looks. There’s not much I can offer ya that she can’t, Max, and it kinda niggles at my pride.”

“You don’t need to bring anything to the table other than yourself, Vel, that’s all I’ll ever want from you. I like you and Celestia for different reasons, and her position has nothing to do with why I find her attractive. It’s the way both of you make me feel that I enjoy, and it’s not just the physical aspects. You make me feel like I have someone, besides Lupa, that I can talk to about anything. I don’t doubt that you’ll judge me, but I trust that you’ll give me your opinion without being a twat about it and I just don’t get that from Celestia.” I paused and thought for a bit “You make me feel at home. Celestia, on the other hand, is funny and a little harder to read which makes her interesting in her own way. I can’t even really compare the two of you which is probably why you occupy two very different parts of my heart. I see in you the woman I always felt I needed and I see in the Celestia the woman I always thought I wanted. To be completely honest with you, I’m more confident in our relationship than I am with Celly’s because you seem more… Grounded, I guess. She’s down to earth for a noble, but you just make more sense to me is the way I would describe it. That’s not to say I think it’ll work out between us and not between me and Celestia, I just don’t see us fighting as much.”

“Seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into the whole thing. I had a feeling that you thought more than you spoke, but I wasn’t expectin’ you to go all out.”

I shrugged. “I just want to make both of you happy, and that takes thought.” I resheathed the knives I had placed aside.

“Can’t say my worries are gone, but I do feel better. Thank you for that, Max.”

“Just know that if I can help, I happily will. You mean a lot to me, Velvet, and I hope you remember that the next time you’re caught up in your thoughts.”

“If I didn’t have the majority of those chocolates left, I’d say you’re the sweetest thing in Canterlot, darlin’. Don’t think you’re off the hook for that joke you and The Princess pulled earlier, though. That was just evil!”

“If you were in my position, I don’t think you would’ve done it, which just makes it even better. I know you’ll laugh at it later, just give it a while.”

“I’m not laughin’ now, so you’re still in some hot water. I still can’t bring myself to believe that you managed to get that close to one of the princesses so soon! How did you even do that?”

“Treated her like I treat you: as a person. Don’t get me wrong, I still give her respect because she runs a frigging country and did so alone for a millennia, but she’s still just another person who needs to cut loose and relax every now and then.”

“I guess it’s just going to take me awhile to get used to the prospect. I’m so used to treating her like a ruler that becoming something other than her subject just shocks me.”

“Speaking of, what is Celestia to you in one of these types of relationships? Is she like, your lover too? Or is she like a sister or something to you now?”

“Well, as far as I know, it just depends on how close we become. I know some stallions, usually nobles, keep somethin’ like a harem of mares and within that harem they call each other sisters, but if it’s a smaller thing and the mares in question look at each other romantically, I think it’s called a ‘Minog a Troy’ or somethin’ like that.”

“You mean a Menage a’ Trois?”

“Yeah that thing. In the end, it really just depends on me and Celestia. I can’t say I haven’t given it some thought to what it’d be like to marry one of the Princesses before-”

“Wait, you’re bisexual?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’ve yet to do anything other than kiss a mare, but I’ve always been curious, and that little threesome-”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Why not? You did pretty well, considering you had two mares to please.”

“And I’m still paying for it. It would be hotter than the fires of Hell if you and Celestia had a go, however. I would love to see that.”

“Hm, Hearth’s Warming Eve is coming up in a few months, you might have something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know what that is, but I think I like it now.”

“You don’t know about Hearth’s Warming Eve!? Next you’ll tell me you’ve never heard of Heart’s and Hooves Day, or Nightmare Night!”

“Not ringing any bells, love.”

“Oh lordy, how can you not have heard of those? Have you been living under a rock?”

“No, I've been living in a different planet or dimension by my reckoning. And before you ask; no, I don’t know how I got here. I just know it’s been better than what my old life was so far.”

“You’re from a different world? How did that not come up in conversation?”

“No one ever asks. I’m kinda offended that you wanted my body more than you wanted to know me.” I fake pouted.

Velvet and I delved into the world that was my own after I’d laid down that tidbit of information. Apparently I became even more interesting and exotic once I’d told her that I wasn’t from ‘Mane’, a northern territory of Equestria. She had thought that my ‘accent’ was from there, and had ruled out ‘Bridleland’, the island analogous to England, because I didn’t use pony swears like they did. Once I had informed her that my home nation was basically that of Bridleland but with humans, she connected the dots and fawned over my ‘handsome’,’authentic’ Equuish. I told her she was full of it before I realized she was being serious. I knew Americans back on my world had admired the way my people spoke, but I hoped that they didn’t like it as much as Velvet did. I would bet that the mare asked more questions just to hear me speak rather than genuine curiosity, but it was nice that she was listening and taking an interest in me. Call me an attention whore, but I never realized how much I wanted it before I actually got it. It was nice to have someone look at you as more than just another bug to be scraped off their boot or some guttersnipe that wasn’t going anywhere in life. It really just reaffirmed what I’d said about her earlier; she made me feel like I belonged, that I was interesting.

We talked long into the night before a courier came and delivered a letter telling me to meet with Luna in the morning before I left for Ponyville. I assumed she wanted a debriefing about what went down in Gryphonia or to give me another mission. Either way, I figured that since it was past midnight anyways, it counted as morning, so I asked if Lupa or Velvet wanted to accompany to the castle again. After a few hurried excuses from Velvet and a yawn from Lupa, I just went by myself which really didn’t bother me. I was beginning to enjoy my walks alone since I didn’t have to talk to anyone, but that did mean I was stuck with my own thoughts and that never went terribly well for me.

I kept pondering who I would speak to first in Ponyville; Applejack, Fluttershy, Or Rainbow Dash. I figured I would give Rainbow my gratitude first, talk to Fluttershy second, and save Applejack for last, though I wasn’t sure about how what I was going to say to her would go over. If she really had been the wreck Twilight had said she was, then I don’t know how I would handle the situation. I didn’t want to forgive her without some overdue groveling, and I didn’t feel there would be any point to it without meaning it. It would be harder to forgive her than it would for Fluttershy, though I had to admit that I was still rather pissed with her. I understood Fluttershy’s point and why she had blabbed, but that didn’t mean I was terribly happy about it.

I was in front of the castle again before I had time to sort everything out, and I met some of the Night Guards. I explained that I was due to speak with Princess Luna and they let me right in with no hassle, though one did ask me who I was and why I didn’t have fur. I told the one guard to eat a dick and the other chuckled before trying to regain a semblance of his former stoic silence, but not before his partner cut him a sharp glare. I wished the chaps a good, peaceful night and received a wave in return. Velvet was right, Night Guards were much better than their daytime counterparts.

It took no time to get an audience with Luna, which surprised me a little bit. Apparently Night Court had no visitors to speak of, so I was able to see her right after filling out the least amount of paperwork I had ever had to deal with in the castle. I don’t know why it felt like Luna had no power due to this, but it made me feel rather sorry for her. Celestia was universally loved, and half of the ponies I had talked to seemed to forget that there was more than one princess, though I guess the absence of one of them for a thousand years had something to do with it. Honestly, if Celly hadn’t let the country forget about her, I think Luna would’ve come back good instead of evil. It’s just a thought, but who knows? Shit might’ve gone down differently if that had happened. Hindsight is twenty/twenty, but foresight is blind. '

I filled out all two pages of paperwork and went on in to the throne room. Luna sat there on her ebony throne looking bored before I walked in. I gave her a wave and her eyebrows furrowed.

“Hey there, how’s the night been?”

“Thou- er, you, were not supposed to be here until morning, Maximus. Why have you come now?”

“Because three a.m. is still the morning, love. The sooner I talk to you, the better I believe.”

“And what doth thee mean by that?” She said bristling.

“I figured you wouldn’t have asked for me if it wasn’t pertinent, so here I am. Don’t get so upset over nothing, Lulu,” I grinned at her, “I’m just trying to be thoughtful.”

“Don’t call Us-me, Lulu. That honor is reserved for Celestia.”

“Sorry, I’ll wait until we shag to call you that again. Speaking of, did you even have to talk to Celestia when I left? She said she was pretty upset over what she said.”

“I do not know what you mean by ‘shag’, so I cannot comment, but do not call me that again. No, I did not have to speak with her, though I did nonetheless. I see she followed my advice, but now We have our doubts on whether We- er, I, should have spoken to her on your behalf. I do not approve of her entering a relationship with one of our guards.”

“Sorry, Moon Moon, but both of them want a piece of me and there just so happens to be enough to go around. It’s not my fault that roguish charm is irresistible to women. Blame Velvet and Celly, not me.” I gave her a shit eating grin.

Luna was not amused. “I can make sure there’s less of you to go around.” Well that's terrifying.

“...So why did you call me here?”

“We-I, wanted to ask you to perform a task for me while you go to Ponyville.”

“Last task you had me do ended with blood on my hands and souls on my conscience. Forgive me if I’m not terribly enthused.”

“This task only requires you to slay one beast, one that Crimson Tide himself said you were more suited to.”

“And what beast would this be that you couldn’t have another of your tougher, faster agents handle? You realize I’m rather frail in comparison to most Ponies, right?”

“Yes, I do understand that you lack certain aptitudes that some of my subjects possess, but few have your dexterity, and from Crimson Tide’s reports, your apropos of certain dangers. From what he told me, your ability to sense and avoid the guards of Hedard’s manor was nearly inpony; something that one going to the Everfree will need in spades.”

“Yeah, I was with you until the beast slaying, and you double lost me at the Everfree; only thing I ever heard about that place is steer clear. Granted I think most ponies are wimps,” Luna glared at me before she conceded with a hand motion, “but I think they might have the right idea when it comes to the murder hole that is that forest.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, did you have Crimson tail me during the mission?”

“Maybe. Normally I would concede to your point, but seeing as how you will be in the area anyway-”

“I’m not okay with that, Luna. I may have worked with Crimson but that is not permission for him to spy on me, nor is it permission for you. Hell, when did he even have the time? We were only together from one floor and he spotted just as many patrols as I did!”

“You were acting under our authority, making it our responsibility to see how our Operatives would act in the field. Crimson Tide is one of our most trusted agents, and his assessment of you is critical to whether or not you will receive more missions from us- er, me in the future. Whether thou- er, you agree or not is of no concern to me. If you want to continue acting as an Operative of mine, then ye must at least show some simulacrum of respect.”

Luna was starting to piss me off something fierce “I never said I wanted to be one of your damned Operatives; I just wanted to do you a favor and it burned the hell out of me! What makes you think I would ever want to work for you again? And why the bloody fuck do you keep switching between modern and archaic terms? It’s confusing, dammit!”

“You wish to court my sister, yes? If you are one of my Operatives, you have a claim to be a member of our court, which would make the proceedings much easier on yourself and Celestia. As for my speech, Celestia has been trying to get me to change my ‘outmoded’ way of talking in favor of a more modern approach.”

“So you’re saying that you’re trying to help me by putting me in mortal danger? Because that’s pretty fucked up, Luna.”

“It was common in my time for knights to be tested for their worthiness before being considered suitable for nobility. Think of it as I holding you to a higher standard than the common fools that make up the aristocrats. From what mine sister and Crimson Tide have told me of you, it would seem that my first impression was wrong.”

“That ‘I’ was supposed to be a ‘me’, and thinking of it that way makes it feel like you’re sugar coating the whole ‘suicide mission’ thing. I’ve never fought an animal, Luna, and I have no experience with the monsters of this world. In my world, stuff like Manticores, Teumessian Foxes, the fucking kraken in Ponyville lake; all myths, legends. They never had a place in my life.”

“If we-I did not have faith in your abilities, I would not send you on this mission. Should you choose to accept, it would be a kobold that you slay, and as they are little more than nuisances to most ponies. It should not be a difficult task for one such as yourself.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, my energy waning. “Tell you what; I’ll take the job, but I want your word that you won’t purposefully put me in a position to kill another sentient, sapient being again. If I can understand the way it speaks or can learn it's language, I really don’t want to kill it.”

“By our-my understanding, it was through Crimson Tide’s oversight that you were put in that position to begin with, for which we do apologize on his behalf. Though if you are to accept more missions like the previous one, it would be your actions that decide whether or not you kill another creature, not any oath on my behalf. I must warn you though, kobolds are about as intelligent as your average two year old foal; they are not bright creatures but they are wily.”

“...I guess I can accept that. Speaking of the job, A kobold is a dog thing, right? Shouldn’t be too bad. Why is it something you need me to kill if you have other agents?”

“No, kobolds tend to be bipedal lizard-like creatures. I wish to see how you operate under pressure during a mission in which your objective is not to take something. That and I have precious few operatives doing other work for me at the moment.”

“I’m still taking a life, if you count that as taking something. I thought that, since you’re a princess and all, you’d have your pick of people to do whatever dirty work you needed done.”

“I wish it were so, Maximus, but we-I am still acclimating to the new society that I find myself in. It has been difficult to come back after such a long absence.”

“I can imagine, but I would never know. I’d offer to help you in whatever ways you may need, but I don’t know much about pony society myself besides what I’ve read, and most of Twilight’s and the castle’s books are outdated by a decade or two, written mostly in retrospect.”

“I have learned this myself. Much of what I have learned so far has only served to alienate me further from the younger ponies, though my older subjects find it refreshing that one as youthful as I knows of their culture.”

“Youthful. Right.” Luna glared at me. “Oi, you’re one of the two oldest beings I know. Put any ten grandparents together and they still don’t have anything on you, Luna. I’m pretty sure the only youthful things about you are your appearance and temper.”

“Our temper is just fine, thank thee very much.”

“Going archaic again on me, love.” I said with a grin.

“I take back what I said earlier,” Luna said blushing, “My first impression was correct, you are insufferable.”

“Insufferable and loveable. Trust me, I grow on you once you stop taking me so seriously all the time; it’s the only reason I ever had friends in the first place.”

“You will find that Celestia and I do not share an opinion when it comes to the Harmonic Values. I do not find Laughter to be terribly vital, regardless of how much it helps.”

“I think I know what you’re talking about. The Harmonic Values are an elder term for the Elements of Harmony, right?”

“They are. You, however, do not fit any of them well.”

“Hey now, I’m funny sometimes! Honest and Kind? Not so much. Nor am I very Generous, but I can be Loyal-”

“Not when it matters, apparently.”

I was silent for a minute. “...That was a low blow, Luna.”

“It does not make it any less true. However, if you were to explain it to us-er, me, perhaps I would understand.”

I sighed. “I didn’t want to watch my brother die a slow, painful death. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer until the end, and the only saving grace I had was that he was brain dead before they pulled the plug. He never would have known I was there, anyway. Regardless, it was wrong to abandon him,” My heart grew heavy at the memory. When the doctor had told me that there was no chance of him ever coming back, I ran and I never looked back. The only person suffering at that point was me.

“...That is a different connotation from what Celestia said before. It was my understanding that you simply left him to bleed out: if he was already ‘brain dead’ as you say, then it would be no different from taking your leave from his corpse.”

“That’s not the part that matters. I should’ve been there with him until his heart stopped beating, until his body died and not just his mind.”

“It is arguable that they are one in the same. If it is any consolation to you, if my sister were to pass in the same manner, I could see myself taking the same route. I would not now, but there was a time that I would have.”

“Doesn’t make me feel… Actually, that does make me feel a bit better. I don’t know why but it does.” I was more than a little shocked that Luna was actually being nice for once.

Luna nodded. “I have no further business to speak of. Have you any more questions?”

“Just a few. First, what have you done with the real Luna?”

“What?”

“Second, is there a deadline to the kobold mission? I assume the faster I put it down the better for the ponies, right?”

“You are correct. There is no solid deadline, but I suggest that you slay it within a few days of your arrival in Ponyville.”

“Alright. Third, how do I find the damned thing? The Everfree was pretty labyrinthine last time I was in there.”

Luna’s horn lit up and a circular metal disc appeared in her hand, which she then floated over to me. “This compass will serve as your guide, it has been treated so that it will detect the presence of a kobold within two miles.”

“What’s that in kilometers?”

“Roughly three. That is an estimate, but it should be close enough for whatever your purposes may be.”

“Thanks, Princess. Is there anything I can do for you before I head off to Ponyville?”

“Remember to bring me back a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner. I would ask Celestia or do it myself, but I must attend court while the bureaucracy is still being reformed.”

“I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any solid promises. Why don’t you just take some time off like Celestia did and head down there in disguise while I’m in town? I’ll do the talking, you do the snacking. And speaking of the bureaucracy, how’s that going so far?”

“I will keep your suggestion in mind. It would do me well to take some time off I suppose. To answer your question, I must ask you one in turn. How was the paperwork to gain entrance to my court?”

“To be honest, it wasn’t bad at all. Two pages of some pretty simple stuff. Are you saying that’s the revised version?”

“I am. We- er, I, took your advice and asked a few of our newer ponies in entry level positions to help us streamline the process and it has worked tremendously, despite the backlash from some of the more annoying aristocrats. They believe that there is an elegance behind mountains of paperwork. They rarely have to deal with such paperwork. It was easy to convince them after giving them each a stack the same size of Celestia’s daily load to fill out.”

“I swear, I never spent much time around the upper class in England, but from what I understand, they pretty much all sound alike. That might be a gross over-generalization, but still, they seem all too happy to trouble someone else”

“Indeed. I am glad that Celestia and I have always been above such things.”

“How many servants do you have?”

“Silence!”

“Just saying, princess. With that, I think I’ll take my leave. Have a good night, Luna.”

“I wish the same to you, Maximus, however detestable you may be at times.”

“Oi, it’s all apart of the charm.”

I gave Luna a silly bow and left the throne room with the prospect of more bits dancing through my mind. I knew it wouldn’t pay as well as the first mission, but it sounded like a chance to do some real good and I guess I could use the bits any way. I was burning through the travel fund I had been given at an expedient pace, but I considered that to be a bit of an issue for later. I still had about a hundred bits left and there wasn’t much I could think of that would consume them if I spent them wisely. Or I could give them to Velvet via leaving them scattered around her home and use what I had earned from the Gryphonia mission. I highly doubted that she would take the sum from me if I just gave it to her, but it wouldn’t hurt to try anyways.

After a few minutes of walking through the castle with no real target in mind, I decided to visit Celestia for a moment before I took off for the sunshine and rainbow factory that is Ponyville. I knew she wouldn’t be awake, but I wouldn’t get a chance to see her before I left in the morning and since I was in her wing of the castle anyway, I thought it would be nice. I had been there a few times before so it wasn’t a matter of finding my way there, just getting past the guards at this point, so I came to her corridor and promptly snuck my way out of the window onto the stony face of the castle.

Now, I don’t recommend that anyone without years of climbing experience try anything of the sort seeing as how it’s extremely dangerous and I don’t see either of my lovers approving, but since neither of them were anywhere to be seen, I climbed across the well worn wall, testing my handholds as well as I could before I moved. It was a time consuming process, but it helped me clear my mind like nothing else ever could. I felt myself being to slip a few times and choke on the headwinds from the sheer height of the castle, but I made my way over to Celestia’s window without dying so I was happy. I poked it open silently and crept inside, the only sounds in the air being her soft breathing and a few muted coughs from a guard just outside. It took me little effort to stay quiet as I made my way over to Celestia , and in the process, I had the best idea I’d had in days. I kicked off my shoes, removed my shirt and slipped into bed behind Celestia, carefully draping my arm over her as I held back laughter from my thoughts of the following morning. The only reaction Celestia made were a few murmurs that amounted to a whole lot of nothing. I snuggled up closer and closed my eyes.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up to a startled white mare that morning, magicking pillows at me until I rolled out of bed.

“MAX! How did you get in here!? Specifically, how did you get in my bed!?”

“Can’t that wait til after breakfast? Or until I catch some more rest? I swear dawn was about to break when I got in here.”

“That answers exactly none of my questions.” Celestia began smoothing her mane down, not that it needed it.

“Fine, I came in through the window and I just got in bed; isn’t that what lovers do? Sleep together?”

“That’s more than just a little creepy, Max.”

“It’s all in how you think about it.” I climbed back into Celestia’s cloud-like bed. “I thought it was romantic. I was going to wait for you to wake up so I could whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but damn do you have a fine bed!”

“I have the oddest feeling that you’re not telling me the whole truth. What were you really doing?”

“Wanted to see you again before I left, and decided to stay a bit longer. I figured it’d be funny to see your reaction when you woke up.”

“That makes me want to start having pegasus guards look after that window. I suppose it’s innocuous enough if it’s just you. What harm can my little hairless ape do?”

“Plenty if you let me, though I don’t think that’s your fetish.”

“You’re right, I’m more of a giver than a receiver in that respect but I wouldn't mind being on bottom sometime.”

“Did you just proposition me for kinky sex?”

“How is that a surprise? As much as we flirt, I’d be surprised if you haven’t missed more than you’ve heard.”

"As much as I would love to treat you like a catholic school girl who just got caught stealing from the headmaster’s office, I’m still tired, love.”

“Oh yes, which reminds me, you need a royal seal if you’re going to be an Operative of Equestrian Interests. That, and I want you to stop calling me ‘love’.”

“The seal I can get later. Why do you want me to stop calling you ‘love’?”

“The seal we can do now. Do you have one of your blades on you?”

I finagled the Warbling blade from its sheath underneath me and held it up. I felt Celestia’s magic tug it from my hands and heard something akin to the sound of plates sliding together, which was enough to wake me up completely and motivate me to give Celestia a dirty look. She floated the knife back over to me and I gave it a once over. It now had her Cutie Mark emblazoned in white and gold on one side and what I assumed to be Luna’s Cutie Mark in black and blue on the other. I like liked the way they seemed to be anodized into the metal, not taking away from it's finish at all while making it even more interesting to look at.

“Now, the reason I want you to stop calling me ‘love’ is simple. You call a lot of mares ‘love’. I would like it if your had a different pet name for me when you return from Ponyville.”

“You’ve got doll, poppet, and pet to work with. Maybe ‘hun’, though it sounds weird to me.”

“I think I prefer hun out of all of them. I am nopony’s doll or pet, and I don’t know what a poppet is. Hun sounds endearing and sweet to me.”

“Lovely. With that matter solved, can I go back to sleep or are you going to continue torturing me?”

“I do not torture, and sadly I must have you leave for now. I can teleport you back to Velvet’s abode if you can tell me which street it’s on, however. I can’t promise to put you on her stoop, but I can get you close.”

“I can’t tell you the street, but I can tell you it’s a Brownstone on the east side of town near a bakery.”

“The bakery is the ‘Brownie Blitz Bakery’, yes?” Fucking alliteration.

“I believe so, yeah.”

I had been in the process of redressing and turned to face Celestia when she enveloped me in a lovely, squishy hug. I think she had planned to surprise me, but I couldn’t complain either way: Celestia is very good at hugs. After a quick kiss and a bittersweet goodbye, I was standing in front of another establishment with an alliterated name. Seriously, why does every shop in Equestria have an alliterated name? It makes no sense to me.

I entered Velvet’s flat to find that Lupa was knocked out on the couch. She blearily lifted her head to see who entered and once she saw it was me she laid back down to continues snoozing. I stopped by her to scratch behind her ears and give her a quick kiss on her brow before going upstairs to see Velvet. She wasn’t awake yet, so I went back downstairs and washed up, which meant I was officially out of clean clothes. I’m pretty sure I had a laundry room in my home in Ponyville, but I didn’t really give the house a good look while I was there so I’d find out later in the day.

If no one was up, I thought I’d be kind and make some breakfast only to find that Velvet was pretty much out of everything. I took it upon myself to get out and go grab her some groceries since I’m sure Lupa had eaten her stock through and through. I strolled out and about, stopping at the general store down the road a-ways to pick up some assorted spices and a few fresh goods. The mare at the counter was surprised to have a customer mere minutes after opening up shop, but I had chatted with her for a minutes, explaining that I had basically been up all night and wanted to do something nice for a special someone. She gave me a knowing look (and a discount) and I was on my way back to Velvet’s when I ran into someone I never expected to see in Canterlot.

“Oh Max! Darling! How have you been? I see you’re in far better shape than you were in when we last met, Canterlot has done you quite well!” Rarity gushed. I had to admit, she looked great in the white gown accented in blue-violet that she was wearing. Her hair was perfectly coiffed, as usual and her eye shadow brought out her eyes very well. She was striking in all the right ways, but her aristocratic accent killed the effect for me. It took much self control on my part to not sneer and her face and flip her off, but since she had been nothing but kind to me, I owed her the effort.

“Wotcher, Rarity, it’s good to see you. I’ve been well, seeing as how Celestia has been taking pretty good care of me.” I inwardly chuckled. “I’m all patched up now, and speaking of, I’m actually heading back to Ponyville sometime today, though I won’t be there for long. How have you been? What brings you to Canterlot?”

“You really should address the Princess by her title, Max! What if she heard you?”

“I call her Celestia to her face, love. Luna may not approve, but the woman herself has told me she doesn’t mind.” If only I knew if it was okay to tell her about my and Celestia’s current status. I had no clue if Twilight shared the information she gathered when she walked in on us, but I didn’t want to tell more than I needed to.

Rarity look scandalized. “But she’s a Princess! You shouldn’t forego social nuances just because you don’t like to respect authority!”

“You basically just ignored the part where I told you that she asked me to leave out the honorifics.”

“Nevertheless. She’s a mare worthy of your respect.”

“Let’s just forget I said anything and go back to ‘how are you’, and ‘what brings you to Canterlot'.”

She looked like she wanted to pursue the topic, but I gave her a look and she switched gears. “I have been well, I suppose. My business has grown a bit and I’m starting to get more business in Canterlot, hence my presence here.”

I looked around. “I don’t see many shops or houses around here. grabbing some food while you’re out and about?”

Rarity held up the bag of supplies she was carrying. “No, I’m actually heading to as clients house as we speak to make measurements for an order. Imagine my surprise to find you here!”

I hefted the bags of groceries I was carrying. “Yeah, I’m just grabbing some food for a nice lady that’s been having me over for a few days,. Just trying to say thanks for putting up with me and Lupa. I’m pretty sure Lupa ate everything in her house twice over, so I need to replenish her stocks before I leave.”

“I would compliment you on your nobility and sense of responsibility, but I’m sure your ego needs no further inflating.”

“That wouldn’t do much for my ego, love. If anything it would motivate me to do more noble and responsible things, but I guess I’ll just go back to my evil deeds and be happy with that” I faked a sigh.

“Oh hush, I know that you’re trying to reform, which you seem to be doing rather well with by the way. You shouldn’t joke about throwing away your progress!”

I rolled my eyes. “I joke about everything; nothing is sacred. As long as I know I’m doing good, that’s fine by me. I need no recognition, just self assurance.”

“There’s something to be said about confidence in a stallion. I personally find it to be an attractive feature, just not in you.”

“Ow, careful there Rares, you might hit me in the feelings if you keep going on like this.”

“I’m certain you could stand be knocked down a peg, it may do you some good, darling.” I should have flipped you off.

“Normally I would agree with you, but my soul was shattered a couple days ago and I’m still rebuilding.”

“Oh my! what happened?”

“A little heartbreaking, a little bit more of something that shouldn’t be spoken of in polite company that hurt me in ways you will hopefully never understand.”

“I’m so sorry bout your broken heart, but the latter part is what worries me, Max.”

“Don’t worry about it, I have counsel, should I ever need it. Celestia and Velvet Breeze have offered to lend an ear on multiple occasions. In fact, I’ve already borrowed Velvet’s shoulder.”

“Is this Velvet Breeze the pony you’re staying with? I would like to meet her sometime, especially if she consoled a friend in my absence!” That was an assumption, but I felt no need to correct her.

“She is. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind meeting you. I’ll probably be at her place all until one, when I leave for Ponyville. Which reminds me, I need to buy a train ticket.”

“That’s when I’ll be returning as well! We’ll have to sit together and catch up some more. As it is, I have to hurry, my appointment is in a few minutes. Where does this mare live?”

We were on the road so it wasn’t hard to just point down the street to her house. Rarity had passed it when we ran into each other. “It’s that one on the end. If you get there in time, I’m making breakfast in an hour or so.”

“I’ll be sure to hurry, then. Farewell, Max!”

“Bye Rarity, don’t poke anyone.”

“Hmph! I assure you I’m far too skilled for that”

“So you say. Later, Rares.”

We went our separate ways and I went back to Velvet’s flat. I spent some time petting Lupa as she snoozed before the sun actually rose enough to shed more than its early morning glow. It was high time to make breakfast, so I started sauteeing some vegetables for my omelettes and started doing that terrible thing I do. Thinking. I need to stop doing that, but in the meantime, I had my veggies finished and made a large omelette for Lupa who had joined me once she smelled the food. Velvet joined us soon enough and after a few minutes of idle chatter, I remembered to mention Rarity to her. She said it was fine that I invited her and that she wanted to meet some more of my friends later. I let her know that there were precious few I considered friends and Velvet let me know she was pretty much the same. We continued our idle chatter until we heard a knock at the door, signaling Rarity’s arrival. Velvet and I met her at the door and I swear her jaw would have dropped if she had less control.

“Hello, My name is Rarity, Max's friend. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” Rarity beamed. She extended a hand.

Velvet shook her hand. “Velvet Breeze, the pleasure's all mine. Please, come in and join us for breakfast.”

Rarity walked in and Velvet’s smile melted the moment she knew Rarity wasn’t looking. She gave me a glare that promised words later and I took her arm for a moment, giving her a befuddled look.

“What’s wrong, love?” I whispered.

“You’ve brought some stunner in here and expect me to think she’s just a ‘friend’?” She whispered in turn.

“I would tell you if she wasn’t, I just know her from Ponyville. She’s no threat to you or Celestia; I’ve already got two beautiful mares to give me all the affection I need. That and she’s a little on the vain side for my tastes.”

Velvet seemed to ease up after than and we ceased our little aside. Rarity had been looking at us with a perplexed expression, so I waved her worries and lied a little. I told her that we hadn’t been talking about her and she bought it hook, line, and sinker, so I made breakfast with no further fuss. Rarity and Velvet traded some small talk. Both of them asking the other how they met me, how life as a guard was and how stressful it was working as a seamstress for Canterlot ponies. I finished the omelettes I had cooking and prepared some stovetop toast to go with it, and even though it was a little simple for Rarity’s tastes, I believe she was being honest when she said they were good. We finished breakfast and continued with the small talk until noon or so. I already had all my crap packed, so there was nothing else to gather and Rarity had only brought one bag with her since she had only planned to stay in Canterlot until noon. When it was time to go, I gave Velvet a kiss and a hug, along with a promise to return soon. Rarity, Lupa and I were walking towards the train station when I asked why she had that peculiar smile on her face.

“Oh nothing, darling. It’s just nice to see you with a mare is all. I know you had that little snafu with Twilight after your party, but I never thought anything would really come of it. Maybe you’re more of a gentlecolt than I thought. “

“I’m quite the gentleman when I have reason to be,” Lupa snorted at that, “I just rarely feel a reason is good enough. For a mare like Velvet, most of the time is a good time to be nice, though I do a fair bit of teasing when other people aren’t around.”

“I’m sure she prefers it when you have company around then, but from the way you two were acting, I couldn’t tell that you were an item! You really should be more affectionate to your fillyfriend, Max.”

“We’re not exactly teenagers, Rares. We’re adults who like our space. We don’t have to be hanging on each other to enjoy the others company.”

“And yet you never so much as touched her! I could tell something was bothering her, and I don’t believe I’d be mistaken to say that it was your lack of attention.”

“I think it was more her thinking you were competition I didn’t tell her about. I told her she had nothing to worry about.”

“I would like to think not! We’ve barely spoken, I know so little about you, not to mention the sheer amount of vulgarity that leaves your mouth! If only you had a mare such as myself to turn you into a proper gentlecolt rather than the fair weather fiend you are now.”

“We’re not close enough for you to insult me, love. Keep talking and I’ll have you trying to slit your wrists with a stick of butter.”

Rarity stared at me agape. “I cannot believe you’ve just said such a horrendous thing, Max! How- how crude!“

“I’ll warn you now before you keep it up; I have less patience than I did when you met me. I don’t like being insulted, Rarity, and I doubt many people do. Keep that in mind the next time you try to tell me what you think I need.”

“...I will. I do apologize for hurting your feelings, darling, I tend to go overboard. I couldn’t tell you how many times my mouth has gotten me into trouble."

It wouldn’t surprise me if it got her out of just as much trouble. “Apology accepted, forgiveness given.” I paused to think trying to change the topic. “Why do you think you would be a good mare for me? As far as I know, we’re near polar opposites”

“Well, you could do with somepony to help you be… more polite. Your language is awfully coarse and your posture: all that slouching must be terrible for you back!”

I scanned the surrounding area and figured that we had another fifteen or so more minutes before we got to the train station.

“I’ll try to cull the cursing while I’m around you, then.” I stood up straighter and relaxed my shoulders. “Wouldn’t hurt to try and look presentable for Velvet when I return, I suppose.”

“Fantastic! We’ll have you looking the part in no time, though your marvelous accent already gives you an edge over the stallions around Ponyville, and some mares would even say it beats the Canterlot cadence by a mile.” She fluttered her eyelashes at me and I raised an eyebrow.

“Sounds like someone’s implying things. I accept that the accent is a chick magnet, but I’ll not actively use it to pull women; it’s not my style.”

“Oh but it is apart of it my dear stallion, and your charm could do so much for you! I promise you that I didn’t get to where I am today through hard work alone; it was through charm and ingenuity in addition to effort and style that saw me through.”

I already knew I was going to regret it, but it would at least give her something to talk about for a while.

“Why don’t you teach me how to use my charm more effectively, then? It wouldn’t hurt to be able to talk my way out of more things.”

“Ah, the idea sounds wonderful to me,” Rarity enthused, “if you’re willing to let me turn you into the proper gentlecolt I know you can be-”

“No no no, you’ve got me all wrong, Rares: I want to weaponize charm” I grinned evilly. Charisma could carry one far, and using it to my advantage would help round out my min/maxed thief build thing I had going on. I had spent far too much time playing RPG’s in secondary school.

“I highly doubt that you can weaponize it, but at the very least you could be presentable in polite company.” Rarity scoffed at my idea, but I knew I could find a use for it.

We continued our idle chatter and I tried to keep the flirting down to a minimum, but it was somewhat of a disposition of mine to default to either flirting or teasing when it came to attractive women. I had to remind myself of what it was that Rarity wanted out of her valuable time, and usually found myself disappointed in the shallow goals of reaching the pinnacle of such a vapid, vain glorious group of hoity toity pricks. Rarity herself was rather bearable once you tuned out just about every other word, however, I still found myself rolling my eyes at a few of her suggestions during our long train ride. She wanted to completely change my wardrobe to suit that of the Canterlot elite, while I was happy to just have modernized a little. I found no faults in my plain black V-neck tee and dark denim jeans combo, but Rarity has dead set on making me one of her kinds of people. The more I thought about being transformed into what I despised more than just about anything , the more I thought about whether or not Rarity would be worth the effort of getting to know better and I came to the conclusion that she would be far better as a friend than a lover. Sure, she was supposedly famous around Ponyville for being a generous lady, but the little voice in my head told me she would be the highest maintenance woman I would ever invite into my life. At least Celestia was independent, even if we had to spend our time together around a schedule, and the same was true for Velvet. In fact, I had lucked out with my last few days in Canterlot as it was the weekend and she had time off. Tomorrow she would have to work all night and I would have had no one to bother all day.

I kept up the chat with Rarity while half of my mind well in the clouds, so of course I missed the announcement that we had stopped at Ponyville. Rarity actually had to garner my attention to get me out of the carriage, and with a few quick goodbyes and a set time for our first appointment before she caught me for one last word.

“You know Max, you really must speak to Applejack while you’re in town, she really needs it.”

“I’ll see her when I see her.” I stated evenly.

“I would press the issue but I don’t think it would do anything other than upset you. Still, I would consider it a personal favor if you did stop by.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. Goodbye Rarity.”

“Goodbye Max.” Her previous chipper demeanor changed to a glum one. I figured it was more for my lack of interest in talking to Applejack rather than the fact that we were parting ways.

In no time at all we were back home with a bag full of dirty laundry and little else. It was then that I leaned down to sniff Lupa only to find that she actually smelled fine. I had expected her to smell like, well, a dog, but she had a somewhat smoky aroma to her that I attributed to Velvet’s fireplace and no other odor to speak of. Lupa had given me a look with her head cocked to the side when I sniffed her, but I just patted her back and walked around the house until I found my laundry room. Sadly, I lacked soap for both myself and my clothes, so it was time to head back into town.

I was browsing various body washes when I literally bumped into Fluttershy.

“Oh! I’m so sorry I wasn’t-” She stopped when she realized it was me. I waved at her while she gaped.

“You’re fine, Flutters, I probably should have paid more attention. What soap do I use for a wolf? I don’t think Lupa needs conditioner, but it couldn’t hurt I guess.”

“You’re back!” She shouted. Well, as close as Fluttershy could get to shouting.

“I am. What brings you to the men’s section of the soap aisle?”

“You’re back! Max, you have to talk to Applejack, she-”

“Rather deserves whatever misery she’s in. I’ll talk to her in my own time.” I went back to checking out different soaps. There was a sandalwood variant that I was enjoying. I held it out to Fluttershy for her to try. “What do you think?”

“Max, you don’t understand!”

“I’m listening.” I put it back and grabbed another that looked interesting.

“She’s been a wreck since she’s hurt you! Please Max, just go talk to her.”

“If you insist.” I sighed and set it down. Far too peppery.

She was silent. Lupa yawned.

“Is there something I can help you with, Flutters? Also, seriously, why are you in the men’s section?”

“...You’re not going to talk to Applejack, are you?”

“I said I would, so I will. I’ll do it when I feel like it, and not a moment sooner.” The soap I had now had the most intriguing icy freshness. It couldn’t beat the teakwood based soap that Velvet’s brother had left at her place, so I went looking for it.

I had just picked it up when Fluttershy slapped it out of my hand. She was glaring at me with the beginnings of tears in her eyes that spoke volumes of her vexation. “I hate seeing my friend like that, and you should too! I know Twilight told you that Applejack never meant to go so far, that she felt absolutely terrible about what she’d done. I don’t expect you to forgive her, just talk to her! Please!”

“That’s not the best idea. I stayed in Canterlot so long because Celestia wasn’t sure what I’d do if I came across Applejack, I’m still debating on whether or not I’ll stick a couple knives in her knees and leave them there, Flutters, and I know that’s not the way I really want to handle the situation. And seeing as how you’re the fucking cunt who betrayed my privacy and told a secret that I had made it quite clear that I didn’t want to get out, I really don’t see how you have any right to tell me what to do, or rudely slap things out of my hands.” I picked up the soap, and laid it back where it previously occupied. I didn’t like it that much. “The only reason I haven’t cursed you to hell and back is because you gave me Lupa, and that really is the only saving grace I can think of for you, so unless you want to help me pick out a new signature scent that’s both recognizable and classy while still remaining subtle, I suggest you find another aisle to be mad in. I’m rather sure I was here first.”

Tears streaked down Fluttershy’s face as she stormed off, and I felt like less of a human for it. I had very callously laid out the facts as I knew them for her, and thought little of it. Did she deserve my harsh words? Yes, but I knew she was only acting out of concern for Applejack, but I was never going to forget the pain she caused me. I took a deep breath, picked the sandalwood soap and found a cologne that matched it pretty well. At least I had gotten something good done so far.

I walked back to my house with my bag of detergents and smelly goodness when I realized I had no food in my house. I just sighed and headed over to the market proper where I could find more groceries, but at least I knew now what I would need after shopping for Velvet earlier. An hour later, I was carrying a lot of heavy crap and was ready to put them down. Halfway to my home, Rainbow Dash swooped down out of the sky and landed next to me.

“Hey dude, you’re looking better.” She greeted brightly.

“Celestia’s healing magic is pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. Listen, Rainbow, about that incident with Applejack-”

“I really wish you knew how bad she’s hurting right now, bud. I know you’re not gonna be happy with her, but-”

“It would mean a lot to you slash her if I would go talk to her. Not necessarily forgive just talk. Yeah, I’ve heard it all day Rainbow. I’ll talk to her when I talk to her, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.”

“No problem, but if I had any say in what’cha do, I’d suggest you go talk to AJ. You can thank me later, dude, she’s the one who needs to hear from you.”

“Just what’s so bad about being down in the dumps a few day's? I swear, a little guilt would do you ponies some good seeing as you never get punished for anything.” I scoffed. I was already annoyed from my earlier encounter with Fluttershy and was in no mood to be badgered about doing something I was already planning to do later.

“You don’t get just how bad it is, Max. She’s been skipping meals and work, just barely gets out of bed. Nopony’s seen her in a few days and she won’t even talk to Big Macintosh or Apple Bloom! Seriously, if you really want to thank me, go talk to her.” Rainbow crossed her arms, her concern tempered by her steely resolve.

“Fine. I’ll talk to her after I get my stuff back home. Just stop bugging me about it!”

“Dude, I’ve only been talking to you for like, two minutes!”

“And you’re the third pony from ‘our friends' to tell me to stop by and say something to the damned woman! At this point, I might cuss her out before I can say anything else.” I grumbled. Rainbow gave me a hard look and shook her head.

“That’s because we’re worried about her, Max. When she hurt you, she hurt herself too, and she hasn’t been the same since; the guilt is eating away at her and I’m one hundred percent sure that you’re the only one that’s going to be able to reach her.”

“If that’s the way you feel, then you should consider helping me carry these groceries so I get home faster. That way, my long awaited visit happens even sooner than I’d like” Rainbow rolled her eyes and we continued towards my flat, Rainbow opting to hover low to the ground rather than deigning to walk like the rest of us plebeians.

I got everything squared away under Rainbow’s impatient eye, getting my groceries put up and my laundry started. Rainbow joined Lupa and I on our walk across town, and we caught up on the few, pointlessly boring events that had happened while I was away. Her protoge, Scootaloo, had starred in some play at school and had apparently done well according to Rainbow’s reaction. I called her out on her mushy, oh-so sweet pride in her surrogate little sister, and she gave me a bruise for it. I chuckled the pain away as we sallied forth. We turned up at Sweet Apple Acres soon enough, and luckily I had cooled off from my earlier state so I was feeling confident in my ability to handle Applejack. We knocked on the door of the well worn farmhouse when Big Macintosh, the big red bastard himself, answered the door. Rainbow began explaining our presence, but our gracious host only had eyes for me. I met his gaze readily, my hand resting lightly on the Warbling Blade as I prepared for him to make a move. I think he would have gone for it had Lupa not given the most bone chilling growl I had ever heard from her. Both mine and Big Mac’s eyes flickered to the snarling mass that was my guardian.

“I don’t know why you brought that… Thing, here Rainbow. He ain’t welcome on my property and he never will be.” His hands clenched.

“Max is here to talk to AJ, nothing else. Just let us in dude, I swear I won’t let him do anything other than talk."

“Get. Off. My. Land.” He threatened.

“Fucking make me, mate.” I challenged

“Max! You’re not here to pick a fight, man!”

Macintosh and I continued glaring at each other and Lupa growl rose in volume.

“Lupa, heel.” She stopped her growling, but her massive teeth were still bared and ready.

It was a standoff: neither of us was going to move and I was sure that Macintosh was going to try and finish what his sister had started. I held my position and shifted my balance, feeling the familiar rush of adrenaline course through my veins.

Big Macintosh spoke to Rainbow. “You’re gonna want to get out of here. Things are about to get messy”

Rainbow looked worried, stuck between the two of us. The only one here she could handle was me, but even she couldn’t do much against Big Macintosh but run. I, on the other hand, was ready to draw blood. I don’t like being threatened, and I’m just as fond of being told to fuck off when I was trying to do something nice.

“The only mess getting made here is you, Red. I suggest you step aside and let us do what we came here for.”

“Not happenin’. If you were a real stallion, you wouldn’t hide behind your dog.”

I drew steel, the seals of the Princesses flashing in the bright daylight. Let's see if this works.

“If you insist on interfering with royal affairs, then it’s well within my right as an agent of Princess Luna to remove you.”

Big Macintosh’s eyes widened slightly at the seal I bore. “That ain’t real.”

“I assure you it is. Step. Aside. Unless you want to face the wrath of the Princess of the night.”

“I’ll take on anythin’ to protect my sister.” Well there goes handling this peacefully.

“Then we do this the hard way.” I sheathed my knife. “Lupa.”

She lowered her center of gravity.

“Max?” Rainbow asked timidly.

Big Mac drew back. “Hold him down, if he tries to hurt you, rip his throat out.”

Lupa lunged and Big Mac fell under her weight, off balanced and floundering. He raised a fist to knock her off of him, but Lupa’s teeth already surrounded his throat. He stilled his hand and I walked over his prone body.

“So where’s Applejack’s room?” I asked Rainbow Dash casually.

“Dude, call her off!”

“I came here to talk to Applejack, not get bullied by some cock huffing hick. Lupa won’t kill him if he plays nice, so are you coming or not?”

Rainbow looked extremely conflicted: stay and help Big Macintosh, but risk getting him killed, or follow me and get this over with as fast as possible. She chose the latter option and quickly lead the way to our destination while Big Macintosh threw every curse in the Equestrian book at me. Rainbow knocked on a door and called out to the mare we were there to see, but got no response so I tried.

“Applejack! It’s Max! I want to talk to you” I shouted through the door.

I waited for a minute before the door finally creaked open revealing a pair of faded green eyes.

“I know ya don’t really wanna talk.”

“If I didn’t want to talk, I wouldn’t be holding your brother hostage via dire wolf right now.”

The green eyes behind the door grew large before the door flew open. Applejack came rushing out and stopped in front of the rather terrifying scene we had left in the doorway. She looked back at me and I snapped my fingers, signalling Lupa to back off. She did so slowly with a watchful eye on the big red stallion who rose just as slowly, trying to put distance between them, but when Lupa began to crouch again, he stopped moving.

“Wh-why did you have Lupa on my brother!?”

“I told him I just wanted to talk to you and he barred my path. I showed him the seals of the Princesses and stated that I was on a royal errand, and he persisted, so I had Lupa detain him for a moment so we could speak.”

“Ya could’ve just knocked on my window!”

“Nopony’s been able to talk to you for days, AJ! I thought that if came in through the front and said we were here for peace that we’d get a chance to see you.” Rainbow explained.

“I suppose you’re right on that.” Applejack conceded. She turned to me. “You got me out here. I doubt that you’re here to tell me you forgive me.”

“You’re right, I’m not. You damn near killed me and left me in pain I’ve never felt, never imagined for weeks. I don’t want to forgive you, nor do I plan to anytime soon.”

Rainbow gaped and Applejack’s shoulders sagged at my words.

“Look, we weren’t really friends, so it’s not like you fucked up a friendship, and I’m, by my own admittance, a liar and a thief. There was never going to be much between you and I, so let’s just face the facts; the sooner you get over it, the sooner you can stop worrying your friends to death over your state. Have you even been eating? Because you honestly look like Hell warmed over. Trust me when I say that my opinion of you should be worth less than the dirt on your boots.”

Applejack’s empty eyes bored into me, her body language unreadable.

“You’re sayin’ there’s nothin’ I can do for you to forgive me?”

“I’m saying that if you want it right now, it’s not probably going to happen. You have to understand that I wanted nothing more than to come back to Ponyville and hurt you like you did me for a time, and that it’s a miracle that I’m here right now and you’re not bleeding. I’ve learned since then that it’s just not worth it. In time, I may forgive you, but it’s just not in my heart to do so.”

“I can feel that you’re bein’ honest, and I appreciate that Max. I just wanted you to know… I’m so sorry, I lost my temper and I nearly killed ya because of it. I never should have gotten that upset. I should’ve seen things from your side, but I can’t take none of it back now. On that, you’re right: I do need to move on and just accept it, but I never meant to hurt you like that Max. I came at you angry and I’m sorry I just…” Applejack began to cry, sputtering through her tears apology after apology.

I knew that the right thing to do was to forgive her, but also felt that evil spot of spite rise up within me, begging me to tear her down further, but I couldn’t, not after she had offered such genuine regret and remorse. I was caught between my stubborn hatred and my sense of goodness, and the humanity I was so desperately hanging onto won out. I hugged Applejack and held her close.

“I accept your apology, Applejack. Dear God does it hurt, but I do.”

We stood while Applejack was slowly dehydrating herself. I let her wear herself out on my shoulder before she pulled away and looked at me, her eyes regaining some of their color.

“Ya don’t know how much it means to me, Max.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’ve just met. Name’s Max. I’m a former thief who’s trying to redeem himself, and I’m trying to change my old ways. It’s nice to meet you miss..?”

“...Applejack, Co-owner of Sweet Apple Acres, hard workin’ mare. It’s nice to meet you too Max.”

Rainbow looked on in confusion. “What?” She turned to Big Macintosh. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“I think they just wiped the slate clean.”

“Oh. That’s pretty cool.”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rainbow stayed behind at Sweet Apple Acres while Lupa and I went home. My heart felt lighter than it had since before I left for Gryphonia, but I was still conflicted about giving Applejack a fresh start after all the suffering she put me through. My good and evil sides were battling it out, and the evil side was making my heart ache while my good side was rationalizing away my doubts. I couldn’t help but feel cheated out of proper revenge, but I would have to take my own advice and move on sometime, and the sooner I did the better off I would be. The moments that my good side was winning told me that I probably shouldn’t have threatened to kill Big Macintosh, but he was being a right twat so I felt justified in a sense; he had come to no real harm so I didn’t dwell on it. Lupa hugged my side the entire way there, which I took as her way of saying that she would support me whenever I was being my own worst enemy. I appreciated the hell out of it and showed it by cooking her a nice dinner of baked fish with some bread and the vegetarian gravy Velvet showed me how to make, though I really needed to find a way to show her how much she meant to me. Lupa had been by my side nearly every moment since I’d gotten her and that sort of loyalty deserved reward. I mean, of course there was the time that she sold me out to Celestia, but I was willing to waive that.

We settled into a nice evening with a lovely sunset when I hear a gentle rapping, a persistent tapping, upon my chamber door. Lupa was out cold and had barely twitched when whoever was knocking went for a second round. I put the book I had been reading aside, one of a few I picked up during my grocery shopping, and answered my caller. Fluttershy stood in front of me in a cream colored knit sweater and a skirt that went to mid thigh. Needless to say, she was quite cute in her outfit, but I remembered our interaction from earlier and it soured the effect.

“Wotcher, Fluttershy.”

“H-hi, Max.” She murmured.

I stood and looked at her for a few seconds, and she began to squirm under my gaze. When she looked away and started stroking her mane, I leaned in closer until I was nearly touching her. When she turned back towards me, her nose bumped into mine and I booped it. She made the most adorable ‘eeep!” and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Damn my weakness for shy women.

“Are you going to come in or just stand on my stoop for a few more minutes? It is a rather nice stoop, after all, and having you on it only makes it better.” I hoped that a compliment would help her ease up a bit. I was wrong.

“I-I-I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier.”

“Thanks, apology accepted. Well, for that at least.”

“...I don’t want to apologize for telling your secret.”

“Then don’t. Not like I’m going to force one out of you, It’d defeat the point.”

“Please understand that I just didn’t want to lie to our friends! I just-”

“Put my business out there after you heard me beg and barter for Pinkie and Applejack to keep it hush hush? Yeah, you sure did do that.”

Fluttershy was quiet for a minute. I rolled my eyes and went back inside to get a cuppa and have a seat, but I had left the door open as an obvious invitation. Minutes passed as I was sitting in my living room, sipping my tea with a cup cooling on a coffee table in front of me before Fluttershy wandered in. I waved her over and gestured to the cup.

“Have a seat, Fluttershy. I figured you would’ve gotten the hint earlier.”

“I thought you were going to come back…”

“I invited you in. I blame you for that one, poppet.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“Look, I don’t care if you just say you’re sorry for snitching me out: you’re pretty obviously not too repentant for it. Just don’t expect me to trust you worth a damn.”

“But trust is what friendships are built on, Max! We can’t be friends if you never trust me!”

“Do I have a reason to trust you? Because honestly, the only reason I’m talking to you is because of her.” I pointed at Lupa’s formerly snoozing for. She had woken up once Fluttershy sat down and laid her head on the mare’s lap. “I’ve already said as much earlier.”

“You can trust me, I just-”

“Can’t keep a secret. So if I ever have something on my mind I don’t want someone else to know, I can never go to you. It wasn’t just physically damage I received Fluttershy, and frankly I’m tired of you ponies throwing what little good will I give out back in my face.”

“...You’re not a pony. You’re not a pony at all.”

“I know. I’m a human, and we tend not to forgive so easily, especially when someone who’s wronged us refuses to admit it.”

“I stand by what I said, Max. You shouldn’t have tried to lie to us. We would’ve understood!”

“You should have understood that I wanted somethings to remain private! It wasn’t your place!”

“Well you should have trusted us not to judge you for your past!” Fluttershy stood and Lupa’s whine went ignored

I followed suit as Fluttershy and I were now standing nose to nose. “How the Hell do you expect me to trust people I don’t even know!? I just wanted a second chance! To have a life that I could be more than some sticky fingered loser everyone looked down on and you tried to take that from me!”

“Your life is what you make of it you, you, idiot! If you’re honest with ponies, they’re honest with you! I was trying to help you in the long run, but all you want to see is something to be mad at!”

“That’s because you betrayed trust I hadn’t even given you! How could you possibly think that I would be grateful that you deliberately went against my wishes!?”

“So you’re not even going to comment on your lack of honesty? I may have gone against your wishes, but it you have to admit that lying to ponies to make them think that you’re anything other than who you are is never going to do anything for you!”

“Then it’s a lesson I needed to learn on my own! You need to learn that you can’t interfere with someone’s life and expect them to be happy about it, even if you’re trying to help!” I bumped her shoulder as I walked past accidentally and Fluttershy caught my arm, spinning me around.

“Just what the hell-” My words were interrupted by the onset of Fluttershy’s lips against mine, her hands taking fistfuls of my hair. Her sizable chest met my considerably flatter one and the morphemes that once swam in my head found themselves on a dry river bed, all fluids rapidly flowing elsewhere. My mind was going completely blank from the sudden about face and the only thought that could rise from the barren field was that Fluttershy’s lips were very soft. I could almost feel Velvet smacking the shit out of me, and that was when my hands rose automatically to Fluttershy’s shoulders and pushed her away, simultaneously high fiving and slapping myself.

“What the fuck was that?”

Fluttershy blushed. “M-most p-ponies refuse to argue with m-me when I’m right.”

“If you were right, that would make more sense.” I now recognized what seemed to be lust in her eyes when I had disagreed with her. It really didn’t make much sense to me, unless…

“Fluttershy, are you in estrus right now?”

She made the adorable 'eep' sound again. “That’s not a question you should ask a mare, Max!”

“It’s a question I’m asking a mare that I went from arguing to kissing in all of five seconds. It’s really not fair by the way, I was perfectly happy arguing and then you go and spring that on me!”

“It’s quite fair; if you didn’t want to be kissed you shouldn’t have stood so close.” Fluttershy huffed, turning her nose up.

“That’s what you do when arguing! You get up in the other party’s face and have a shouting match! That’s arguing one-oh-one! Man, how the hell am I going to tell my girlfriends I kissed another mare?” I rubbed my face, and then it came to me! “I don’t! I tell them the truth. Your honesty spiel is actually right sometimes!”

“It’s not some spiel, it’s the truth! If you don’t overcome your dishonest tendencies, you’ll never be happy!”

“I can be perfectly happy with my dishonesty in most cases; it tends to keep me out of trouble. It’s just in this one case that honesty happens to be the best policy.”

“Oh, you’re so frustrating! It’s like you just want to disagree for the sake of it!”

“I’m disagreeing because I’m right! You think you’re right, which is wrong by the way, and that’s why we’re arguing! Again!” Thinking back on this as I’m jotting it down, I realize how needlessly obtuse I was being. I think I may have been trying to get another kiss.

Fluttershy’s face was flushed and I was still trying to think of horribly depressing thoughts to calm my second head down, which I was failing at miserably.

“I can’t believe you! You’re just a hateful, contrarian, pig headed liar that refuses to admit it when he’s wrong!” She poked my sternum with each adjective. Bitch, don't get your shit slapped.

“If I was wrong I would admit it, but I’m not so I won’t! You’re every bit as stubborn as I am, you self righteous, over bearing, better-than-thou, twat!”

“I don’t think I’m better than you and I am not self righteous! I want to help you learn so you don’t have to run into the troubles I have! Is trying to look out for a friend really so bad?” Not going to deny the over bearing part? Smart move.

“It is when that friend wants to handle their own business in their own way! That’s a lesson you could stand to learn: meddling is still meddling even if you’re trying to do some good!”

“I’m just trying to look out for you! Can’t you see that?” Fluttershy fumed. We were nose to nose again, and neither of us were going to give ground.

“I swear, I will be very upset with you if you kiss me again.”

“That’s the only reason I would.” Fluttershy’s face reddened further.

We stood, glaring at each other with less than an inch between us when I heard another knock at my door. Neither of us budged until the third try, and even then I walked backwards to open the door. I made the ‘I’m watching you gesture’ and turned to see just who was interrupting me during my argue time to find that it was Celestia herself. She beamed at me until she felt the mood of the room and saw Lupa in a corner looking confused and scared.

“Max, what’s going on?”

“I was having a nice session of quarreling with Fluttershy when my own personal Sun came knocking. What can I do for you, hun?”

Fluttershy harrumphed, whether at my flirting or my description, I don’t know. Celestia appeared rather worried and I could see her switch from lover mode to mediator mode.

“I’m sure we could talk this out, what’s wrong?”

“Fluttershy stands by her point, saying that her telling my secret was to help me. I say it was a gross invasion of my privacy. Neither of us are backing down. That and she kissed me in the middle of it, so I’m confused about what’s really going on.”

“Hey!” Fluttershy cried softly.

Celestia looked even less pleased. “She kissed you, or you kissed her?” Fluttershy shrank against a wall. I was tempted to do the same, seeing as how Celly’s scorn was something I’d been warned against by Luna during dinner conversation some time ago.

“Uh, she kissed me?” Celestia’s gaze shifted to Fluttershy.

“Is this true?”

“I-I uh, um. W-well,” Fluttershy sputtered, confused as to why it even mattered, “Yes?”

“...I see.”

“So, how ‘bout that moderating you were going to do?” I asked.

Celestia glowered at Fluttershy a moment longer and turned to me.

“You’re an infuriating stallion, you know that, right?”

“I do. I still say it’s apart of my charm.”

“I beg to differ. Somepony please explain to me in depth what’s going on.”

Fluttershy and I both explained our sides of the story without interjecting, like proper adults, but that didn’t stop me from making faces at her when Celestia wasn’t looking. It was more for my own amusement (and to see her reactions) than ill will, but Fluttershy gave as good as she got until Celestia caught us. The disapproving, exasperated shake of her head we received was enough to get Fluttershy to stop, but not me.

“Fluttershy, I see your point, but you did invade Max’s privacy and completely disregard his wishes. Regardless of your good will, you’re still in the wrong here. And Max?”

“Yes hun?”

“I suggest you stop enraging mares. Stallions too, if Rainbow’s report of the happenings at Sweet Apple Acres is anything to go by.”

“Wait, you already went to Applejack’s?” Fluttershy asked

“Yeah, I did. I told you I was going to but someone doesn’t know how to trust people.”

“I know how to trust ponies! You just seemed so reluctant to go…”

I scoffed. “Well I wasn’t going to go then and there just because you asked, no, told me to. I said I was planning on seeing her when I felt like it, but Rainbow cashed in a favor so I was obligated to go sooner than planned. I pay my debts, one way or the other.”

“You should show more of that same nobility more often. That is apart of your charm, Max.”

“The Princess is right.”

“Both of you shut up,” Fluttershy gasped, “Flutters, we can continue another day. I’m sure Celestia and I have some business to attend to.

“Max! You can’t talk to the Princess Celestia like that!”

“What’s with mares telling me what I can and can’t do? Not exactly a child here.”

“Sometimes I doubt that.” Celestia smirked at me.

“If I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile, hun.” Fluttershy gaped and looked between Celestia and I.

“That might explain a few things about your anatomy.”

“Low blow, Sunbutt. Last I checked, you weren’t complaining when I did that thing you like much.”

“W-w-w-what?” Fluttershy was blushing up a storm. She was hugging herself and had her legs firmly crossed, and I swear there was a strange smell in the air.

Celestia herself blushed when she realized Fluttershy was still there. “I… Pretend you never heard any of that and I’ll consider it favor.”

“D-don’t worry P-princess, you’re a mare with needs too, after all.” Fluttershy’s eyes were anywhere except Celestia and I at any given moment. I raised my eyebrows at Celestia to signal that I wanted to mess with her a bit, but she took it the wrong way.

“Max, while I think it would be fun, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Celestia whispered in my ear with magic. I gave her a befuddled look.

‘What do you mean?’ I mouthed back.

‘I can’t go around sleeping with my subjects!’ They both stared at me when I burst out laughing.

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “...Are you okay, Max?”

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Celestia replied for me, understanding dawning on her face. She shifted in her seat, giving me a thumbs up.

“I’ll be even better once Fluttershy leaves so we can handle our,” I paused and looked at Celestia with half lidded eyes, “business.”

Fluttershy’s cheeks colored and Celestia giggled. “Now, Max, you shouldn’t lead a mare on unless you plan to follow through.”

“I always follow through, especially when it comes to you, hun.” I winked at Celestia.

Celestia cast a quick glance at Fluttershy and caught my eye. She raised her eyebrows twice and I couldn’t figure out what exactly that meant, so I improvised.

“You know, Celestia, two’s company, but three’s a party.”

“I concur, Max, but where would we find a third pony? One who wouldn’t mind having some fun with royalty and an odd creature not from this world?”

“Where indeed. I imagine a 'pony' like that would be have to be a wise, adventurous, and they’d probably be good with animals” Fluttershy’s head jolted up to stare at me, which I ignored for the sake of our little prank.

“Yes, yes I believe you’re right. It would be a plus if they were yellow; I do adore the color yellow.”

“I think wings are a must, I might I have a fetish for them.”

Celestia looked behind her to see her own and they quivered. “You may not have known, but a Pegasus’ wings are actually very sensitive. Come here for a moment, dear.”

I walked behind Celestia and placed my hands on the largest joints of her wings. They were more fuzzy than feathery and quite pleasant to the touch. I stroked and played with them for a while, enjoying myself. I assumed my fondling had gone too far once Celestia covered my hand with her own.

“Sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to touch wings before. They’re very soft.”

“Thank you. I must say, for somepony who hasn’t touched wings before you’re rather skilled.”

“Lock picker’s hands, hun. Well tamed and quite deft at whatever work you give to them.”

“With all your bragging, I do believe a massage is in order, but I would feel just terrible if I was the only one receiving. Fluttershy, what say you and I have our resident human work some tension out for us? I’m telling you, his hands are quite capable.”

“I-I-I don’t know, P-Princess… I should be getting home” Fluttershy stammered.

“Oh don’t be coy, dear, we both know Max would say something if he had a problem with it. I’m sure your animals can fend for themselves for a while” I thought we were just going to fake Fluttershy out, but I didn’t mind giving a massage or two. I had a little experience in being a masseuse from a girlfriend I’d had when I just turned eighteen, but that had been two years ago and I hadn’t done it since. I hoped I remembered how to do it well enough to not balls it up completely.

“I’m game, though we’ll have to use my bed. Don’t think I’ve got any sort of massage table around here.”

“Actually, you do. Have you even seen your shed?” Celestia corrected

“I have not, but it worries me that you know what I have better than I do.”

“I picked everything out for you, remember? I made sure you had one just in case I came over.”

She teleported it in and I shrugged and set it up. It wasn’t terribly difficult. Once I had the vinyl and memory foam table set up, I noticed the smell in the air had gotten a touch stronger, though I still wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I paid it no mind as Lupa circled the table, standing on it with two legs. She deemed it safe for use (I think) and Celestia stepped out to what I had deemed my guest room.

I felt like making some small talk. “Do you actually want a massage, Fluttershy? I’m giving Celestia one regardless, but I don’t want you to feel obliged.” I

“Well, it does sound nice… I usually go to the spa with Rarity, but she’s been too busy to take time off lately.” Fluttershy said anxiously.

“I can’t promise you the full treatment, but I’m sure I won’t leave you with any more knots than you may already have.” I chuckled.

“...Don’t you feel a bit odd giving a mare you were just arguing with a massage?”

“Yeah, but I’m going to call this a proverbial olive branch. An apology for being so dickish earlier.”

“That’s what I like to hear, Max!” Celestia beamed at me in a plush white robe and four white towels I’d been previously unaware of. Seriously, I was going to have to check this damn house out more thoroughly when I got the chance.

“Save it for Twilight, Sunbutt. Unlike her, I already know the ‘magic of friendship’.”

Fluttershy and Celestia scoffed. “If that were true, you wouldn’t spend so much time arguing.”

“Blah blah blah, do you want a massage or not?” Celestia rolled her eyes and sat on the table.

She let her robe fall and I caught an eyeful of her capacious mammaries for the first time in decent lighting. She blew a kiss at me and laid stomach down, her breasts squishing delectably against the vinyl covering of the table. I noticed that she was still wearing lacy white panties that I enjoyed very much, and that those panties had a bit of a damp spot on them when she spread her legs a bit. She looked back at me and smiled.

“Like what you see?”

“It would be hard not to. Before we get started, aren’t we supposed to have some kind of oil or something?” I asked.

Celestia stretched out a hand palm up and magicked a bottle of some expensive looking stuff into it. I took it from her and laid the towels over her, covering the more interesting parts of her anatomy before I oiled up my hands and squirted a bit onto her back. She shivered from the feeling of the cold oil and waved a hand in the air, teleporting a record player onto my coffee table. While I enjoyed the convenience of magic, I despised it for it’s sheer laziness. That and it made anyone who used it rather overpowered, in my opinion I cast my thoughts aside and focused on the lovely mare in front of me. I began working the oil through her fur and felt a knot immediately in her muscle. I increased the pressure and moiled away at it, feeling it ease up after a few minutes before I moved onward in long, even strokes. I felt something touch my lower head and I jolted suddenly, pulling back from Celestia.

“What’s wrong, Max?” She asked with a seductive smile.

“Nothing, hun. Thought I saw another horn on your head for a moment.”

I spread more oil on Celestia's shoulders and began working at the numerous knots that lie beneath the surface. I swear, the woman had more knots than a tree, and they had obviously been there quite a while. She molested me the entire time, eliciting a reaction that I carefully hid from Fluttershy. I had been using the heels of my hands to tend to her back, but with her wings in the way, I had to switch to my thumbs, which as, any one who has given a massage knows, is a quick way to end up with sore thumbs if you’re not used to the task. In fact, even if you are used to it, using one’s thumbs for a prolonged period while exerting pressure still causes pain, but I was determined to finish what I’d started.

Celestia let out contented sighs as I toiled away at the coils in her shoulders, and each of those sighs made me a little happier. I was doing rather well by my standards and she hadn’t given me much in the way of direction, so I continued, slowly gaining confidence in my performance as I worked out knot after knot. I had them done in about ten minutes and moved onto her arms, surprised by their tone and sculpting. I hadn’t taken Celestia as a physically strong mare, but what I felt told no lie; she could probably knock a fool out. Her arms took much less time than her back and shoulders, so I was able to advance to her hands in no time at all. I found her hands to be absolutely rigid and she wasn’t even contracting in the slightest! Mountains of paperwork had turned her slender fingers into pieces of wrought iron that took me seven minutes apiece to fully relax.

With Celestia’s torso completely covered in oil, I took a quick break, making sure I didn’t face Fluttershy as I headed to the restroom. My hands were beginning to ache a little, so I took my time and after I had adjusted myself so my arousal wouldn’t be quite so obvious, I walked back into the living room where I noticed that the odd smell had grown even stronger. Lupa had left some time ago to rest in my room, otherwise I would’ve asked her to locate it for me, but the sweet, heavy smell vaguely reminded me of something that I couldn’t put a finger on.

“Does anyone else smell that?”

“Smell what?” Both mares answered in unison. Fluttershy sat stiffly with her hands tucked in between her thighs and Celestia gave me a little smile and a wink. I was feeling pretty dumb at the moment, since the smell had been acting as an incense that was clouding my thoughts, I could still think straight, but it took more effort than I was willing to put forth at the moment, so I shrugged and went back to the task at hand.

Thankfully, I was now at the fun part where I would be able to tease and toy with Celestia as I pleased. I had read online and figured out through experimentation the right places and the right amount of pressure to use to properly arouse a woman without touching her privates. I grinned to myself and prepared her legs with long rows of the vanilla scented oil and started with the space above her hooves, wondering if I could even tickle her.

“So what did you two lovely ladies talk about while I was gone?”

“Nothing terribly important. Just some of the pros and cons of ‘camping’.” Celestia giggled

That one was fairly obvious, so I snorted and ran my nails up her hoof, which elicited a spasm and laughter from the white mare for some reason. She looked back and glared at me as I chuckled. Fluttershy hid a smile behind her hand and kept the other tucked away for reasons I was unsure of. I had noticed that she hadn’t moved her hands since she sat down, but thought nothing of it.

“If you do that again I’m going to kick you.” Celestia warned. Of course I did it immediately, and nearly got hoofed in the chest for my impudence.

“So what did you come up with? The pros and cons of camping, that is.”

“Well, we found that we’re both quite fond, really. It’s an attractive prospect.” Fluttershy’s face flushed and she looked at the floor, peeking at me from behind her hair after a trice. I raised an eyebrow in turn and started working my way up Celestia’s well-muscled legs.

I put plenty of effort into her calves as I went. Her sighs came faster the further I went until I reached her thighs. There were no knots there, but I was going to enjoy myself on way or another. I positioned myself behind her and stroked the length of her legs lightly before I added more force. The oil had made her short fur slick, so my hands slid easily along her thighs. I squeezed them and repeated the process a few times, her sighs changing to moans whenever I reached her thighs. With a bright smile, I took to her side and began working each toned thigh with a firm gentleness that I had had enough time to get back into the groove to by now. I edged closer and closer to her inner thigh and steadily caressed the soft flesh there. I could feel the heat from her vulva a few times when I slid further than I anticipated, but those times were well rewarded as Celestia struggled to keep her voice down. She tortured me in turn with her evil hair, wrapping it around my member as she tried to tug it upward, making it more visible. I suspected that she had quite the exhibitionist streak in her, because after ten wonderful minutes of my full attention, she didn’t bother. After her loudest moan yet, I stopped and grabbed the oil with a hand towel and lathered my hands; it was time for her wings.

“Please tell me you’re not stopping there.” Celestia groaned.

“As soon as you tell me where to do, I’ll start on your wings.” Celestia perked up and Fluttershy ‘eeped’.

“Focus on the joints, they’re the only parts that get much use.”

“Thanks, hun.” I started working on the outermost joint and less than a minute later, Celestia gave me a long low moan and twitched on the table. I wondered if I had made her climax as I moved to her other wing and did the same. It took too long to do each individually, so instead of doing one at a time, I took her middle joints and applied a little pressure, garnering another low moan for my efforts. I cast a glance over to Fluttershy who had one hand on her chest, breathing heavily as she watched me work. If Celestia was an exhibitionist, then Flutters was a voyeur.

After spending a few more minutes on her middle joints, I was finally done with Celestia’s massage. From the noticeably limp state of her, I knew she was going to be a few minutes, so I excused myself once more.

“How was it?” I heard Fluttershy ask.

“You’ll know soon enough." Celestia murmured in turn. I found it odd that they had practically spoken at the same volume, that volume being Fluttershy’s usual whisper, but I had heard them easily enough.

As I washed my hands under warm water to stave off the ache that had been building once more, I pondered the situation. I had (probably) just made Celestia orgasm, and now I was going to give innocent little Fluttershy the same treatment. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about that due to my cloudy mind, but I said I would do it. If she still wanted a massage, she was an adult who knew what she was getting into. I splashed some water on my face to clear the fuzz, but whatever that smell was, it had been impairing my judgement for some time and a little water wasn’t going to do much for it. I stopped by the laundry to pick up a towel and grabbed some soap from the kitchen to clean off the massage table. Fluttershy had most likely gone into my guest room to get changed while Celestia was melting in the recliner I never used.

“You’re not bad at massages, Max. We might have to make this a regular thing.” Celestia slurred.

“I wouldn’t mind, it’s relaxing for me too in a sense, and I like the challenge of getting you off without touching anything too private. Speaking of, are you okay with this?” I asked as I was wiping down the table.

“I spoke with Fluttershy. I don’t mind since I know about it, but I would probably tell Velvet once you return to Canterlot. I know I can’t always be there to satisfy your desires as a stallion, so if you choose to do so with Fluttershy while you’re here, I won’t blame you. Just let me know before you do so I can see if I have time to join in on the fun.”

“So you’re proposing a more open relationship? I can’t say I’m shocked with how easily you accepted Velvet, but doesn’t it bother you in the slightest?”

Celestia looked at me through a half closed eye. “I’ve been alive for thousands of years, Max. The only thing I want is for you to be happy while we’re together because I know I won’t have you for long.” She closed her eye and I felt my heart break for the poor mare.

“I never even thought about your side of things. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience something that terrible, Celestia.”

“It’s just what happens when you’re practically immortal. I accepted it long ago, and if you truly do want to be with me, you’re going to have to come to terms with it as well. Though I will say this; you’ve already made me a happy mare, dear, and I wouldn’t trade the time we’ve spent together for much. Your view of the world and your personality are things I’ve never experienced from a being as surprisingly respectable as yourself. Usually when I meet somepony who trusts nopony and hates with their whole heart like you do, they’re trying to kill me. That’s why I was so cruel with my words the night you went to Gryphonia. I thought you were jumping at the chance to kill something, and despite my better judgement, I was scared that loving you would end with nothing but pain. Luna and I talked about you for a long time that night, and you know what we came up with?”

“I won’t until you tell me.” I was hanging on her every word, Celestia had as much of my attention as I could give her.

Celestia chuckled. “We agreed that, at your core, you are more scared than spiteful. You have been through enough to make you world weary at such a young age, and that’s why you seemed so needlessly harsh. You strike before you can be stricken and that’s how you protect yourself. When we sat down and thought about it, we realized just how amazing it is that you’re a stallion who wants to change and is actually taking steps to do so for the most part, though you could work on your interpersonal skills a bit more.”

“It’ll come in time, hun.” I leaned down to kiss her. “Some things just take time as I’m sure you’re aware of. I hope that I can be a man worthy of your love before my time is up, as evil as you can be sometimes.”

“Hey! I’m not evil!”

“I’ve been called evil for screwing with people, and you’re a helluva lot better at it than I am when you get into it. If I’m evil, then so are you.”

It was then that Fluttershy made her presence known by knocking on a wall. I whipped my head around and blushed, I’m not the most macho fellow, but some moments I would prefer to stay between myself and my lover.

“...How much of that did you hear?”

“...After Celestia said you struck out at ponies because you didn’t want to get hurt.”

“So the most embarrassing part. Tell you what; keep that one to yourself and I’ll forgot about our little incident.”

“Awww, you’re so cute.” Celestia teased,.“Are you worried about your fragile masculinity being prodded?” I rolled my eyes and grabbed one of the joints in her wing, squeezing down hard.

“Hey! Stop it~” Celestia moaned.

“Huh. I thought that would hurt.” I let go.

“It does a little, but not enough to make me ask you to stop.”

Fluttershy covered her face with the sleeves of a cream colored robe, which I assumed was one of mine.

“No need to be shy, Flutters. I’ve got the table clean and ready for you.”

She cautiously approached the table like it was going to bite her before she started to disrobe. She cast a furtive glance my way and I averted my eyes to Celestia who then tilted her head towards Fluttershy. I turned back and caught a pleasant peek at her breasts. They weren’t as large as Celestia’s but they were still quite ample, and her nipples were like two little cherries on top. I dragged my eyes away from the wonderful sight that be boobs to find that Fluttershy was giving me a sly little smile. I noticed that she puffed her chest out a bit while I was looking at her face and my gaze returned to her chest. I replied with a dirty grin and my trouble from earlier had returned with a vengeance, helped along by Celestia’s undistracted ministrations. I had gone soft in the restroom, thus shifting my member. Now I was casting a shadow unabashedly, considering that I didn’t have to hide it for any sense of modesty I’d had before I knew Fluttershy wanted a piece of me.

“Like what you see?” Fluttershy parroted.

“It would be hard not to. I’ve got to say, I never took you for the bold type, Fluttershy.”

“When you’re endowed like I am, you’re not afraid to show it off.” She bragged.

“When you’re endowed like you, it’s more difficult to hide it.” I looked down and inwardly grinned at my lifelong friend. I don’t really want to write down descriptions of my cock on paper because it feels weird, so I’ll just say he gets the job done with room to spare.

Fluttershy lay prone on the table and I grabbed the oil once more, this time working from her arms and shoulders downward instead of starting with her lower back like I did Celestia. I stood in front of her, my aching rod mere centimeters away from her face as I spread the oil on my hands and her shoulders, gently pushing down.

“You can be a bit firmer, I won’t break.”

“Can do.”

I pressed down a bit harder and began again, this time eliciting a sigh from Fluttershy as I worked her upper back. She was lacking the knots that Celestia had had, and was softer and squishier in general, lacking much in the way mentionable muscle. When I got to her deltoids and infraspinatus, however, I noticed more knots than I had thought possible in a mare her size. I attributed them to the constant and demanding task that was caring for a wide variety of animals and spent minutes on each of them, making sure I could feel nothing but putty before I moved on. I felt both Fluttershy and Celestia touch my shaft as I moved to her side and bit my lip, wondering if there was going to be a light at the end of this tunnel.

I tried a few more knots in Fluttershy’s lower back and made great progress, easing up the coiled masses that were her muscles as she played with the pull tab on my zipper, teasing me a bit more. I was plotting plans for revenge at that point, on both her and Celestia for their frustrating toying and when Fluttershy straight up grabbed my member, I moved the towel I had placed on her posterior and grabbed a handful of her soft, pliant ass. She gasped and Celestia leaned forward, looking excited as I squeezed. I saw that her Cutie Mark was a trio of butterflies and found it to be quite appropriate for her general character, stroke today’s happenings. I also noticed that she was wearing pink silk panties that covered most her bottom, which explained the difference in texture.

“You can play with that when we’re done, I’m trying to focus here, poppet. You too, Sunbutt.”

“Me? I’m all the way over here, Max. What could I possibly be doing?”

“Magic.”

I placed the towel back into it's original position, but Fluttershy whisked it away, leaving her behind uncovered.

“If you’re just going to grab it, there’s no point in having the towel, is there?” She inquired seductively.

“Fair enough. You do have a nice arse, Fluttershy.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and shifted in her seat as Fluttershy giggled. I had finished with her lower back and was about to move to her legs when I had an idea. I glanced over at Celestia and caught her eye, tilting my head down towards Fluttershy. She pretended to think for a moment and gave me a thumbs up. She then pulled the lever on the recliner and opened her robe, exposing her massive mammaries once more. Celestia made sure she had my attention as she removed her last article of clothing and began to stroke her sodden lips in a circular motion.

“What’s wrong Max? I know you like it, but you don’t have to stare.” Fluttershy turned to look at me, utterly oblivious to what Celestia was doing.

“Just thinking, poppet. How full body do you want your massage?”

“...How do you get more than full?”

“Take these off,” I tugged at her panties, “and I’ll show you”

Fluttershy took them off quickly, eager to get the ‘complete experience’ and the odd smell that had filled the room hit me full force; she had been the source all along! I knew then that it was her arousal I was smelling, if the soaked knickers she had discarded were any hint to go by. Celestia had gotten a much better view than I had and dipped a finger into her honeypot, moaning as she did so. I was tempted to get a taste of Fluttershy then and there, but my will power held out. I spread a good dollop of oil onto each plush cheek and began to ‘massage’ her bottom with enthusiasm. I moved to stand behind her and spread each cheek, firmly grabbing them before I started working my way down her legs. I added a bit more oil and mimicked the long, firm strokes I had used on Celestia, except this time, my hands went to Fluttershy’s rear instead of stopping short. After a few minutes of that, I had worked Fluttershy’s legs completely and moved back to her inner thigh, feeling the difference in fluids as I did. I was careful to brush her dripping sex with every stroke; not enough to get her anywhere near a climax, but enough to let her feel my pain.

Fluttershy was moaning quietly in minutes, though in her case she may as hell have been screaming at the top of her lungs. I let my hand slip and it landed between her lips, my index finger enveloped by her soft folds. I lightly played with the outer edges of her lips before I took my hands away all together, lathering my hands up once more before moving on to her wings.

“Why’d you have to stop there?” She murmured.

“Because we’re about to get to the fun part. Spread em.” She began to move her legs.

“Your wings, poppet. We’ll get to that later.” Fluttershy left her legs where they were and let her wings sag. They had been standing straight up, though I don’t know why. After a minute or so, Fluttershy managed to get her wings down and I began on the joints located near her shoulder blades. Celestia hadn’t felt much from it, so I guessed correctly that it was a good place to start. She pouted when I started there, but still surrendered to my will. Her sighs were lighter than they had been before, however, when I started on the middle joint of her left wing, the other shot up, whapping me good, causing me to grip her wing to avoid falling back. Fluttershy cried out and shuddered, her wings flailing about as she spasmed on the table. I let go once I had regained my balance and saw that she was most definitely a squirter. Once she had calmed down the the point she was only twitching every now and again, I squatted down in front of her.

“You okay there, poppet?”

Fluttershy muttered something unintelligible and I decided that it was time for a break. I lightly spanked her ass as I passed it by and she just moaned. Celestia was panting heavily and had been licking her fingers clean as I approached her.

“That may have been an accident, but it sure was a spectacle.” Celestia grinned dirtily at me.

“Sorry, not listening. I want you now, Celestia. It’s been three hours of torture and I am so ready.”

She just continued smiling and beckoned me over. I had been stripping as I spoke and my attire now matched Celestia’s. Somehow I had picked her up from her position on the recliner despite the fact I could never have done so easily under normal circumstances, but with the aroma of Fluttershy’s estrus incensing my lust, I had gained strength I never knew I had. Celestia was surprised as well, though she seemed to be enjoying herself nonetheless. My destination was was my bed and I nearly ran there. I had forgotten that Lupa was taking refuge from our lewd acts in my room, and she wasted no time skedaddling somewhere else once I entered with Celestia. I stood still for a moment and tried to register whatever had just happened, but I could barely think due to the intense strain I was feeling in my lower body and shrugged it off, finishing my journey as quickly as possible. I set Celestia down as gently as I could manage at the time, but I had basically ended up dropping her. She appeared to not care as I crawled between her legs and wasted no time positioning myself against her sodden sex. In one smooth motion, I entered her and felt nothing but bliss. I had finally begun the process of getting the release I waited all too long for, and I was going to fucking love every minute of it.

Celestia was already prepared in the best of ways, so there was no need for me to be gentle. In fact, I set a quick pace and she egged me on, begging me to give it to her harder, to speed up further. I was so happy to oblige. I could barely feel my member as I pistoned into her, the pleasure I was feeling resonating through my whole body, which I was rather pleased with. I imagine women felt much the same and I simply couldn’t get enough as I thrust into the beautiful white mare. Celestia moaned and stammered my name, breathless as I relentlessly pounded her. I had no warning when her first orgasm came besides the vague sensation of her fingertips on my back. I snapped out of my reverie for a moment and slowed down as she writhed. Waiting til her orgasm subsided, I steadied my breathing and cupped her face with my hand.

Celestia was panting heavily. “Little...Rough...There”

“I-I’m sorry, don’t know what came over me.” I was confused and my head was still foggy, but the feeling on my back had brought me to lucidity.

“I wasn’t...Complaining. Are you okay? Why’d you stop?”

“I don’t really know.” I kissed Celestia gently, feeling the familiar sensation of electricity tingling throughout my limbs that brought me all the way back to reality. With the fog gone, I felt like I was seeing Celestia for the first time again.

“Max…?”

“Do you mind if I turn the light on?”

I heard the switch flip and Fluttershy was standing in the doorway with a seductive look.

“Light’s on, let’s party!”

I looked back to Celestia and she was giving me a worried smile; I felt strange, like something wasn’t quite right here. I knew I wanted to lay Fluttershy, and that I was having fun with Celestia, but it was… Off.

“Hey, how much does estrus impair a mare’s judgement?”

Celestia tilted her head. I mean, it was a pretty odd question considering I was hilt deep in her and had shown no signs of subsiding. I turned to look at Fluttershy as she sashayed over to my bed and laid beside Celestia.

“Don’t worry, I wanted to try you before today.” Fluttershy assured me. Something still wasn’t quite right, but if she was happy with it, so was I.

I began again, pulling all the way out of Celestia before I dipped my tip into her, hilting her quickly, causing her to arch her back and moan. Her finger clawed at my back once again (though she didn't have nails) and I realized that she was still sensitive, so I decided to have some fun with her. I gave Celestia long slow strokes, actually searching for her G-spot now and ground against it with the length of my shaft. Celestia crooned as I pulled and gasped as I pushed, giving me the odd sensation of playing a pony shaped violin with my dick. It took much self control to not break out laughing at my comparison, but it was all that was on my mind as I continued ‘playing’ Celestia. My efforts were rewarded when she had another, smaller orgasm that squeezed me in many lovely ways. With my rationality regained, I was able to feel my manhood again, though it was still slightly numb. I gave it to Celestia nice and easy through her orgasm and was delighted when Fluttershy began playing with her breasts, and was even more so when she clambered on top and flicked Celestia’s clitoris with her tongue, swirling it around in little circles.

Once I pulled out to give Fluttershy what I had promised earlier, she promptly engulfed my tip, licking and sucking Celestia’s juices from I as the white mare meekly lifted her head to Fluttershy’s dripping sex. It was quite the sight to behold. Fluttershy lacked any real kind of skill, but the way she used her tongue like she was licking a lolly was pleasant in it's own way, especially since she was treating my helmet with extra care. However, I had never been more grateful for the ponies herbivorous nature when I felt her teeth slide along my shaft. I winced and bore it, hoping that perhaps she was just rusty. I was wrong; Fluttershy was applying skills she had heard of, but never actually used if her performance was anything to go by. After a few more minutes of fear incarnate, I withdrew, a strand of either precum or saliva connecting my helmet to her lips. I gave Fluttershy a reassuring smile since she had seemed worried about her performance. Celestia tapped her thigh twice and Fluttershy knelt beside her, but when Celestia sat up, she pushed the yellow mare flat on her back, straddling her. I was entreated to the sight of two rather wet, very attractive prospects just waiting for my attention. Remembering the taste of Celestia, I gave her a long slow lick and savored the sweet vanilla flavor that came along with it before I looked down further and tried Fluttershy. I was surprised to find that she didn’t taste like lemon squares as I had anticipated, but instead reminded me of a mild Bundt cake.

I had never been with Fluttershy before so I took it slow, placing my tip against her entrance and swirling it around, spreading her soft lips as I did. I tried to go it a little deeper, but I found that Fluttershy was incredibly tight. An odd thought about marrying flavours crossed my mind, so I eased my way into Celestia first, coating my member completely with her juices before I triedFfluttershy again and found that it was now much easier to fit my tip in. I was a few centimeters in when I felt an obstruction in my path, which could mean one of two things: Fluttershy was tighter than I had originally assessed, or she was a virgin. I guess I know what was off from before.

“Flutters?” I asked, leaning around Celestia to look at Fluttershy.

Her face grew rosier as she met my eye and she promptly looked away. Celestia looked between us, bewildered.

“What’s wrong, dear?”

“I might be tripping, but I think I’m brushing against something.”

“My guess would be fur, love” Celestia quipped sarcastically.

“T-That’s n-n-not what he’s talking about.” Fluttershy murmured, not looking at either of us.

Celestia removed herself and looked at where Fluttershy and I were joined, her eyes widening.

“Is that true Fluttershy?”

“W-Well…”

“Are you sure you want-”

“Yes!” Fluttershy blurted, looking me in the eye for the first time.

“Why me? I’m sure there’s better men that I you could give your first time to.”

“You ask t-too many questions.”

Celestia and I traded looks and I set my hand on Fluttershy’s muns, tenderly rubbing her clit. If I was going to take my first cherry, I was going to make the process as unsucky as possible. If Fluttershy trusted me enough with her first time, I was going to do my best to make sure it was a good one. I eased the first centimeters of my member back and forth, careful not to poke her hymen until I was ready to pierce it. I gently thrusted into her tight entrance and began using my tried and tested methods on her clit. During the throes of the orgasm she achieved a few minutes later, I thrusted sharply and broke through in one clean motion. She gasped suddenly and looked down, a little confused once she stilled.

“...Is that it?”

Celestia and I traded a look again.

“What do you mean? Of course there’s more to sex than one thrust.” I answered

“I thought it was supposed to hurt more.”

I began slowly thrusting into her, enjoying how her slick walls clung to every inch of my member.

“It would if you hadn’t just gotten hours of foreplay and a massage.” Celestia prevented any more talking by kissing Fluttershy, squeezing and toying with her expansive breasts as her own hung and swayed. It was rather enticing.

I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer with Fluttershy being so damned tight, but I held out for another few minutes until Fluttershy was on the precipice of another orgasm before I ejaculated deep inside her. As I was mid way through my climax, Fluttershy reached her own with a vengeance, flailing wildly as she had her first true orgasm. I softened slowly as I pulled out and Celestia hungrily cleaned up after our mess, not letting a drop of my cum go to waste. I was suddenly more tired than I had ever been in my life, and it was a struggle to stay upright.

I twisted and fell off to Fluttershy’s left and laid there awhile, trying to catch my breath, my vision rapidly darkening and lightening. It was an odd effect that I noticed less as my body began to ache and protest against the smallest movement. I took a few moments to breath and relax as the visual effect subsided and the ache grew dimmer. I had pushed myself most of the night and I was now feeling the effects, though my lower area felt amazing after finally finding release. Fluttershy had cuddled up next to me. On my right and Celestia on my left. I embraced the moment and finally relaxed, wondering what the bloody hell had just happened.

We laid there for hours, but Celestia had to go back to the castle eventually. After kissing me goodbye, she left and I was alone with Fluttershy. I had enjoyed the night with her, as weird as it was considering we had been arguing for a good bit. However, the fact the she still trusted me with her first time and that it had been relatively painless made me proud. I was planning on asking her why she had given her cherry to me of all people, and if she would keep it hush hush for a while until I could get a letter to Celestia asking if we were ever going to go public. My thoughts flickered back and forth between making my relationship with Celestia public knowledge and what this night had meant for Fluttershy and I. We could continue the relationship and see where that goes, but I would have to ask Velvet what her opinion was, and just because Celestia was fine with it didn’t mean Velvet would be. The thought worried me so much that I had to get a message to her, even though my clock told me it was four in the morning.

Celestia had given us each two bottles of dragon fire to send messages: a blue one that only worked if you put two missives in it and a red one for individual messages. The red one worked by whispering the name of the pony you wanted to message into it with a clear picture of their image in your mind, though they couldn’t send a message back unless they had a similar apparatus. I quickly jotted down a letter describing the night’s events and asked her opinion on them. I say quickly, but it was still two pages worth of dialogue to go through, and by the end of it, I was sure that any normal human woman would slap the ever loving shit out of me. I sighed and sent it off, returning to bed shortly after. Fluttershy hadn’t moved much, so I was able to return to my original position without much fuss, though she did latch on to me once she felt my presence again.

I got no sleep whatsoever that night, my mind doing flips and keeping me awake. I was thinking about getting the Warbling Blade’s sheath decorated when I felt Fluttershy stir around five or so. She took a moment to get her bearings having woken up in an unfamiliar place when she realized she was holding onto me.

“Morning, poppet.”

Fluttershy sighed with content and nuzzled my chest. “Good morning.”

We laid there for a few more minutes before Fluttershy sat up and stretched.

“Do you mind if I borrow your shower, Max?”

“Not at all. I don’t know if I have any feminine sundries in there, but if I do you’re welcome to them. If anything, that sandalwood soap I got is somewhat unisex.”

“Princess Celestia said she had some things in the guest room.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. You’re welcome to whatever you need, I’m going to make breakfast. Do you have any preferences?” I asked for politeness sake, not that I particularly minded. I just wasn’t sure if she’d want it.

“...I like pancakes.”

“Can do, though you’ll have to forgive me if they’re not the best. It’s been a while since I’ve made them.”

Fluttershy mumbled something.

“Say again?”

“...I… W-well, you c-could join me in the shower, i-if you want.” She hid behind her hair and looked away from me.

I cupped her face in my hand and gave her a gentle kiss. “I’ll be there shortly, let me pick something out for the day.”

It was a nice shower. Mine was a fair bit larger than Velvet’s so we didn’t have to get too close. We didn’t have to, but we did anyway. Fluttershy was back to her normal shy self, so I experimented a bit with her, seeing where she didn’t mind that I put my hands as I helped her wash and found that she was very receptive to her breasts and bottom, but less so to her midsection and her shoulder blades. That or she enjoyed it enough to shudder. Washing her wings was fun, but we allowed each other to wash our own privates, though Fluttershy was very interested in the wedding tackle that had taken her cherry. So much so, she was constantly touching it, even as I was washing her back, which only served to excite me. Once we were out of the shower, she jumped my bones in the bedroom and rode me until she came again, switching to missionary to let me finish. We needed another shower after that, so it was seven by the time I got started on breakfast.

Fluttershy left to go take care of her animals just before eight, so I had plenty of time to get started on my preparation for my journey into the Everfree. I took all of my knives and wore a black long sleeved shirt that I hoped would protect me from the worst of any stray branches. Lupa had been avoiding me all morning and but once I approached her, she warmed back up soon enough, though I think she was mad at me for being a bit of a slut. That thought niggled at me, no matter how much I tried to push it away, and when I asked her if that was what was bothering her, she just turned away and opened the door, trotting outside without a sound. Now I felt bad.

My satchel had two day's worth of provisions in it and a canteen I had picked up the day before was strapped around my shoulder. I was as ready as I was going to get. The Everfree was on the other side of town, so I would pass by Fluttershy’s on the way in. The walk itself was uneventful, though the fact that my pet thought I was some kind of whore still bothered me; whatever happened to unconditional love and loyalty? I shook off the negativity I was feeling and focused on the fact that I had just gotten lucky via two magnificent women, both of whom were pleasant to be around most of the time. That had put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step, so reaching the Everfree took less time than I thought it would have.

Now, most of the ponies I had spoken to about the Everfree told me to do pretty much anything other than than enter it due to it's dangerous nature. Twilight had explained that there was a lot of dark magic that congregated there from kilometers around the area, so I was feeling quite a bit of trepidation about entering, but with the Kobold Compass giving me a general direction of where I was going and a normal compass and map to get me back, I swallowed my fear as I passed by Fluttershy’s home. There were plenty of animals around, but I didn’t see the mare herself, thus I passed without visiting and headed into the Hellhole that is the Everfree.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Everfree was dark and dank, the smell of rot and decay filled my nose and I felt certain sense of nostalgia. The Everfree had been the place where I’d originally come to Equestria, so it was odd coming back. Suddenly, I was worried about getting transported back to England the same way I was sent here. I still had no idea how I had gotten here, and the memories of what the Rat Bastard and the Chief had done to me nearly caused me to be sick. I had done a good job of repressing those thoughts until now, and I couldn’t help but worry more and more until I had to take shelter from myself in the roots of a gnarled Elder tree. I collected my thoughts and pushed my memories back as far as they would go. My foray had only taken me a few hundred meters at this point and I was already freaking the fuck out and I hadn’t even seen the Kobold.

When I had gotten a handle on myself, I followed the compass further into the Everfree. I only had to stop once when I saw a massive creature with a lion’s body, bat like wings, and a tail like a snake. Not just like a snake, it was a bloody fucking snake! I hid behind a tree and watched. It was tearing apart what seemed to be a saber toothed cat of some sort, and the smell of blood permeated through the air, sharp and metallic. I skirted around, keeping my distance before it suddenly lifted it's head. Lupa lowered herself, hackles raised and I drew my longest blades. Lowering my stance to make sure I could move as I pleased, I was worried about the outcome of the fight that was seemingly about to befall us. My worries proved well warranted when the Manticore turned our way and charged, it's lunch completely forgotten. Lupa dashed towards it, using her agility to her advantage as she dodged around the monstrosity, making the Manticore stop in it's tracks to try and turn towards her. It was then that I saw my opportunity to strike: I leaped forward and sunk the Warbling Blade deep into it back until I felt It lodge between two of its vertebrae. From there, I stabbed and slashed as quickly as I could with as much force as I could muster. The Manticore’s blood flew from my brutal assault, and when Lupa began ripping and tearing at its throat, it bled all the more. Its back legs went limp after my strike with the Warbling blade and its front legs flailed about, jerking spasmodically before it began to still. By the end of the sordid affair, Lupa and I were covered in the blood of our felled foe and it lay still, breathing final breath. Lupa and I stood over the beast as we came out of our battle fury. She began trying to get bits of fur, gore, and blood out of mouth when I knelt down and helped her. It took some doing, but once she was mostly clear, we continued on our way.

I hadn’t been expecting to run into any creatures such as that, but now that I thought about it, I realized it was inevitable. Shit was going to get sideways while we were in this hell hole, so it was pertinent that we got out before either of us got hurt. We followed the Kobold Compass deeper and deeper until we finally found it on its own, fishing with a crude spear in a stream. It was the size of an eleven year old or so, and was covered in scales, reminding me of a lizardman from a few different games I had played. It was green and drab, wearing nothing save for a gourd that it drank from occasionally. We watched it for an hour, watching it fail time and time again until it speared a trout and ate it raw. After observing it for so long, I couldn’t help but feel the glimmer of intelligence it had from a distance. I knew that it wasn’t very smart, but I felt like it wasn’t my place to end the creature, that it was just minding own business. That is, until, I saw it walk off to the north. Lupa and I had followed it from afar, rounding a bush where we could hide and still see what was going on. It stood over the body of a female Pony with gouges and bites taken out of it all over it's body. It seemed like it had been dead for sometime, and I hadn’t heard of any recent kidnappings from Ponyville, so she may have been from Cloudsville since the Pony was a Pegasus I wondered why it was there and why the Kobold had even bothered fishing if it had a meal already until I saw something completely disgusting: It was raping the cadaver. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. This thing was going to die, and I was not going to let it be a quick journey to the end. I began to stand when I heard rustling come from further north and saw three more of it's kind join it. They squawked some sort of greeting and one of them took up a position at the mare’s mouth and inserted it's disgusting thing. The other two were evidently females, which I guessed after they each squatted over the mare’s hand and pressed them against their lower bodies.

I was nearly sick at the sight. It was at that moment that I became a flaming racist against Kobolds. I drew four of my throwing knives and put them back, instead favoring the Warbling blade and my fighting dirk. I was going to enjoy every second of dismembering these sick fucks, and I wanted to feel it up close and personal, despite the risks. I nodded to Lupa and we ran, crossing the distance between us and the four necrophiliacs at a breakneck pace. The first never saw it coming as I slammed the hilt of my dirk into the back of its head, knocking it out cold. The other three had jumped so hard they left the ground when Lupa ripped off one of the supposed female’s arms off. I threw my dirk and stuck the second male high in the thigh, bright red blood gushing from its wound and Lupa lunged upon the final one standing, crushing against the ground with her massive paw. It reached up to swipe at her and I stomped it's claw, feeling its bones shatter much like mine once had. I could muster no pity for these foul creatures. With the Warbling blade in hand, I disemboweled the kobold that Lupa had ‘disarmed’ so it would feel a little bit more pain before it died. The kobold I had stabbed in the leg was trying to limp away, losing a lod of greenish blood as it went. That one I jumped on, leaving it stomach first on the ground which gave me the access I needed to punish it accordingly. I slit its back twice and laid my knife carefully on the ground, and reached in. The Blood Eagle was made for despicable being like these. Two were left; the one with a broken wrist and the one I had knocked out. The one I had knocked out was the one I was saving the worst punishment for, and the one on the ground was going to get a fun treatment.

“Lupa,” She was still snarling at the terrified rapist, “crush it.”

I could hear its bones snap, crack, and pop as Lupa increased the pressure on it. The Kobold’s ribs broke and pierce through its scales as it wheezed and groaned. By the time Lupa had let off, it had been spewing blood from its mouth and torso, dying moments later. The other two kobolds had died quite painfully a few meters away, leaving only their sleeping companion. I pondered what I would do to this one when Lupa stalked over and bit one of its hands off. I collected my dirk and began sawing its feet off when it woke up screaming. It kicked and swung its ruined arms at me as I broke its tibia and cut the rest of the tendons in that leg. I could swear that it was crying when Lupa stepped on it, ceasing its movements. Instead of the laborious process that was breaking and cutting through its leg, Lupa saved me the trouble by ripping it off at the knee. The kobold fell silent, but was still breathing when we left. We had solved the problem we had come for, but I had new plans. After scooping out a decent sized grave for the poor mare, I checked the Kobold Compass and we followed it further in.

We came across a small encampment of the horrid creatures. I may have only come for one of them, but my newfound prejudice would not allow me to leave a single one of them alive. The sun was setting and the Kobolds were retreating into their primitive structures. We had come at just the right time. When night fell and the moon was high, we began our morbid task. I entered one of the huts and stabbed two Kobolds in their hearts, ending them without so much as a peep. As I left, I heard the rending of flesh of Lupa did her job, attracting the attention of as many of them as possible. I held my knives and rushed the three kobolds with spears, ending them in quick succession. The eight that were left were being torn apart by Lupa one by one in a bloody massacre, and I helped the process along, taking them down at my leisure as they were focused on the whirling dervish that was my partner. Their screams did nothing to slow us down. By the end of the night, we had hit two more camps and the Kobold Compass showed us no more of them, so we started back to Ponyville, covered in the dried blood of over a three dozen Kobolds.

It was an arduous walk through the Everfree, though we met no more threats on our way out. The terrain provided its own challenges as we travelled. Roots popped up where there had previously been none to see, low hanging branches snagged at my clothing and I as very grateful that I had decided to don a long sleeved shirt for the task. I was also glad it was black, because I was quite sure that I was dyed in greenish red from head to toe. Lupa’s fur was matted down in most places, so we detoured to a calm stream that I don’t believe held any super sized twink river serpents. After a quick bath in the cold, formerly clear water of the river, we were somewhat clean, but still reeked of their fetid blood. I felt no such thing as regret, just grim determination to kill as many of them as I could in the future. Lupa and I stalked out of the forest and my energy faded rapidly. I hadn’t slept in all too long, so I was going to get some good rest tonight, but we still had to get across Ponyville.

Judging by the shadows the moon cast, it was late as fuck. I could see the beginnings of the sun on the horizon, so we picked up our pace to avoid being seen in the wretched state that we were in. I didn’t want one of the towns ponies to come across me and fret over nothing but a few scratches and the odd cut or three. Home had never looked so good when we arrived. After I had given Lupa a proper bath and scrubbed away some extra blood that the river hadn’t managed to wash, I wrote a note to Luna stating that I had done the task and a little more than that. Only a few minutes passed before she straight up teleported into my living room where I had been about to nap on the couch.

“Oi! Don’t you know how to knock?”

“Your report was very vague, Maximus. What do you mean when you say that you’ve ‘done a bit extra’?”

“I mean I exterminated the Kobolds I could find.” I stood, went into my room, and came back out with her compass. “They were disgusting creatures, I couldn’t let them live.”

She took it from me and checked it. “I only asked you to slay the one that was troubling Sadelle.”

“I saw four of them rape the corpse of some poor woman. They ate a good bit of her, but saved enough for their sick deeds. Creatures like that don’t deserve to live, Luna.”

“They what.” It obviously wasn’t a question. Luna’s starry mane began to whip about wildly like cosmic flames. I held up and hand.

“There’s little point in getting mad now. I’ve killed all of them that were within about twenty or so kilometers.”

Luna didn’t calm down much. “To think that such filthy creatures were on our land!”

“Again, there’s little point in being upset about them now. Lupa and I have handled the ones we could find.”

“And I will handle the rest. You will be well rewarded for this, Maximus. Thank you for bringing this plague to my attention.”

“No problem. It was worth the time and effort. Very well worth it. Leave the compass with me and I’ll be sure to comb the Everfree for more of them when I have a chance.”

“It will not be necessary. I will send my Dogs of War through the forest to hunt them down.”

“Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?”

“We-er, I needed to assess your abilities, remember? I will personally review your work. Be awake when I return.”

“Luna, I’m running on fumes right now. I haven’t slept in three day's and it’s a miracle I’m awake right now.”

“Thirty minutes. I will return shortly.”

I sighed heavily and Lupa rested her head on my lap after hopping onto the couch. I petted her for a few minutes before I just fell asleep. I didn’t stay asleep very long, since Luna was back in fifteen minutes. She did not look happy.

“I saw many of the corpses you left behind. I would appoint you to Head Custodian if I the position still existed.”

“In fairness, the ones that were in pieces were Lupa for the most part.”

“And the one with its lungs on its back?”

“That was me, yes.”

“Brutal. Not terribly efficient, but it does send a message.”

“That’s the point. Can I sleep now?”

Luna rolled her eyes and teleported away, leaving me to rest. I laid down and the sweet bliss that is sleep took over.

Chapter Fifteen: Natural Botany

I slept well through noon and on until five in the afternoon. I needed every second of that rest, and I still woke up tired and irritable, so I devoted the day to writing out the previous few day's journal entries. It took a lot more time than I had thought and I was up writing for twelve more hours, scribbling down as much as I could before I took myself to bed again. I had only taken breaks to eat and use the restroom so my hands were killing me the next morning and Lupa was going stir crazy. I had gotten a reply from Velvet that said ‘We need to talk’.

Never good news.

I tried not to let it get to me too much, but when a woman says that there needs to be a discussion, it rarely goes well in my experience, but I knew she was different from most. I was hoping my honesty would get me some points, but it was only my third day in Ponyville and I still had four more left before I could go back to Canterlot. I didn’t do that much in the morning aside from eat and take Lupa for a walk through Whitetail woods, but things picked up in the afternoon. Twilight stopped by around mid day and I invited her in, praying that she wasn’t here because of estrus or any other desire such as that. I don’t know how I would tell Celestia that her student was coming onto me again, though I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t be flattered. In the sweater vest and blouse combo with her pink and purple striped miniskirt, she was quite the interesting one. The Catholic schoolgirl thing wasn’t my bag, but she did look cute.

After making some tea, Twilight and I were sat in my living room, Lupa’s nails echoing on the hard floor as we sat in relative silence. Twilight hadn’t said much after I invited her in and was wearing a heavy blush for reasons unknown.

“So, Twilight. What’s bring you over? I already talked to Applejack, so if you’re here to tell me to do that, you’re a day late.”

“Oh! I’m not here for that, though I do appreciate you talking to her. It meant a lot to all of us that you did; She’s finally starting to get back to her normal self.”

“Indifferent that I could help.”

“What?”

“Don’t mind that. You still never said what brings you over. And why are you blushing so hard? Don’t get me wrong; it’s cute, but confusing.”

“...Uh, Max? This whole house reeks of mares.”

“Blame Big Macintosh. To celebrate our newly found friendship, we bought some hookers and went to town.” I stood to open a window and let some of the late summer air in.

“I don’t know what a hooker is, and I didn’t see you in town at all yesterday.”

“I’d explain what one is, but I don’t want to soil your innocent little ears. Going to town is an expression, and you still haven’t said why you’re here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to ask what happened between you and Fluttershy. I talked to her yesterday after she got home from somewhere. Wherever it was, she stayed the night. I don’t know why, but she was wearing the same clothes as the day before and she wouldn’t say anything about what she was doing! I’m worried about her Max!”

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy was here, arguing with me for a good while. I offered to let her stay here instead of going out late when it’s dark and dangerous for a woman to be alone.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “How do you argue with Fluttershy? She’s so timid, she never argues! She’s usually right anyways, so it’s pointless.”

“She wasn’t right last night and I have no problem telling her so. You haven’t seen Fluttershy when she thinks she’s right, and she wants you to do something. I swear, that woman can nag with the best of them.”

“I can’t believe you just said that!” Twilight gasped.

“Said what? I was right, she was wrong.”

“No, you said,” Twilight paused and looked outside, “N.A.G. It’s a slur here, Max.”

“When used in its verb form? That’s rather stupid, don’t you think?”

“Regardless of what you think about it, you shouldn’t say that, especially about somepony as kind as Fluttershy!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve called people just as good much worse before, and it’s not like I called her a 'nag’ she just bitches and moans when she wants something done. Hell, even Rarity knew to let me talk to Applejack on my own time.”

Twilight covered her ears and sang a little song as I gave her the flattest stare of my life.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“La la la, I can’t hear you!”

I picked up a pen and threw it at her, accidentally getting it to stay in her shirt. Twilight blushed up a storm and turned around to fish it out which made me laugh. With the pen in hand, she threw it back at me and it went way wide, causing me to laugh even harder.

“Stop it! You’re such a mule, Max! I don’t know why you feel the need to pick on everypony all the time!”

I reined myself in and tried to put on a serious face. “I’m sorry about that Twilight, my aim’s just the greatest. I don’t see why you didn’t use magic to get it out though.”

Twilight looked even more embarrassed before her horn lit up. Knowing what was coming, I ducked in my seat and the pen flew past my head, smacking Twilight with some force behind it. When I looked up, she had ink on her face, a pen in her hand, and tears in her eyes. I felt a little bad about pissing her off so bad, but I would make up for it by being a little nicer.

“Let me get you a towel, love. I think I’ve punished you enough for now.”

Twilight didn’t reply as I got up to go grab her one of my darker towels. I had the funniest feeling that I should set it to the side, lest I tye dye some of my attire. When I returned, Twilight was still sitting there, shaking now. I knelt in front of her.

“Hey now, I wasn’t trying to be mean or upset you, love. Just my way of having some fun. I’ll reel it in for now, okay? Bathroom’s the first door to your left.” I held the towel up for her. Twilight just nodded and headed off to get cleaned up.

I pulled out the journal I had been working on the night before and made a few pages worth of progress before Twilight came back out. Luckily, the ink hadn’t stained anything other than her pride, but that looked like it was on the mend anyways. She had calmed down enough I felt I could talk to her without making her cry.

“So, Max…” She began.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“If you don’t mind me asking…” Uh-oh.

“Yeees?” I asked cautiously.

“Who did you have over last night?”

“No one? I spent my day sleeping and writing, and this morning walking with Lupa and eating. You’re the first mare that’s been here for a bit.”

“If you didn’t have somepony over last night, then why does it… Oh dear Celestia, you didn't” Twilight shouted.

“Didn’t what? Keep it down, you’ll scare Lupa.” The wolf in question had bounded out from my room and looked ready to attack, whipping her head back and forth. I gave her the ‘okay’ gesture and she went back.

“Don’t tell me you s-s-s.” Twilight stammered.

“Don’t tell you I what? Pretend to be a snake from time to time?”

“This isn’t a joke, Max! You had intercourse with Fluttershy, didn’t you!”

“Huh. That’s not a bad idea, actually.” I had to play this carefully. If Flutters hadn’t said anything, it would’ve been for good reason. “Fluttershy is pretty, I’ll ask her if she wants a romp next time she’s over. If she ever does come back.”

“If you didn’t have intercourse with her, then why does your house smell like mares!?”

“I remember a weird smell when she came over, but I guess I got used to it after a bit. I asked her if she smelled it, but she changed the topic. Must’ve been her.”

“...So you didn’t do anything to her?”

“Yeah, I gave her a massage, worked out some knots in her back and shoulders that she had been complaining about, but that’s the long story short.” It not necessarily a lie…

“Care to say that again after I cast a lie detecting spell?”

“I would, actually. If anything, it’d be because I hate repeating myself. Why can’t you just trust my word, Twilight?”

“Because you-” Twilight bit her lip as her eyes widened.

“Because I what?” My eyes narrowed as I glared at her.

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. I really must be going, I have a thing at the place to do.” Twilight stood and tried to leave. I caught her arm before she went.

“Because I what? Because I’m a thief?”

“I didn't say that, Max.” Twilight looked anxious.

I let her go. “You didn’t have to.”

“That’s not fair! I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that you’ve lied before and it’s hard to give that kind of trust back.” Twilight pleaded.

I took a deep breath and let it out. I wasn’t angry, just frustrated. “ I understand, Twilight. Just don’t say something’s nothing when it’s not.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, it’s just that… You would tell me if you, er, had intercourse, with one of our friends, right?”

“No, I wouldn’t because it’s not your business. If I were to have ‘intercourse’,” I air quoted, “I’d feel no need to tell you about it because I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to know.”

“...What if I did want to know?”

“Then you’ll have to ask the right questions, though I still don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“What are the right questions?”

“You’ll have to figure that out yourself. No, that’s not an invitation to quiz me constantly until you find out, so please, just leave the matter where it lies.”

“Max, who did you have intercourse with the day before yesterday?”

“Princess Celestia.”

Twilight blushed and stomped her foot. “You said all I had to do was ask the right questions! Why are you still lying to me?” Lupa peeked her head out when Twilight raised her voiced. I lifted a hand to calm her.

“I’m not lying to you, Twilight. The first day I came back to Ponyville, Celestia came by to visit and Fluttershy stayed the night. Celestia and I had sex while Fluttershy was in the living room, and that’s the truth.” Not the whole truth, but it's true.

“Why don’t I feel like you’re telling me everything?” Twilight questioned.

“Because I’m not. I saw Fluttershy in a rather compromising situation, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter. I really wish you ponies would learn how to mind your own damn business.”

“Oh!” Twilight’s face turned rosier than it had been. “I-I’m sorry, I just wanted to know what happened.” Her eyes widened when she thought of something else.

“I can’t believe you had intercourse with the Princess!”

“Believe it. You already caught us once, love. It really shouldn’t be a surprise.”

“I just don’t understand it, that’s all. I mean, she’s the Princess!”

“And she shouldn’t be falling for a lowly thief like me?”

“Why do you always have to take things out of context? I would never say something like that!”

“What you say and what you mean are two different things, and I know that better than anyone. I know you don’t think I belong with Celestia, and I know you look up to her, but we’re happy with each other. I make her life more interesting, and she makes me happy, so we both fill some needs of the other. Celestia’s an amazing woman, but that’s the problem, Twilight. No Pony sees her as a person, as a woman with needs. I do. No Pony looks past my past, but she does.”

“B-But she’s The Princess! I’m not saying you’re not worthy, but she’s the pinnacle of what a pony should be like! She’s the ultimate role model!”

“She’s a woman who has to deal with higher standards than anyone else, has to be so meticulous in everything she does so her little ponies don’t find flaws in her so she can keep all of you happy. She deserves something that makes her smile, Twilight, and if that’s me, then I’m fine with that.”

“I…”

“Never thought of her as anything other than the perfect princess?”

“Well, yes. But that because she is the perfect mare, Max! Don’t you see that?”

“I see that she’s a beautiful mare that is capable of just about anything, a kind soul that loves to pull pranks, and one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. I already know I’m not good enough for her, and I probably never will be, but she wants me for who I am. You need to accept that, love.”

Twilight was silent for a while before she sat down in the chair next to me.

“How do you see your idol as anything other than that?” Twilight asked me.

“Who said she couldn’t be your idol anymore? All I said was that she had certain needs and desire that anyone has. That doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of your praise.”

“I know… I just always thought Princess Celestia was perfect.”

“I’ll be straight with you, love; she’s pretty much as close as a person can get.”

We sat in silence for a while, thinking about what I had said. It felt odd to vocalize things I had already known about Celesia, but they became more real once they left my mouth. I thought about just how lucky I was that a woman like her could ever love me, despite my numerous flaws. It was comforting and stressful at the same time.

“So you’re sure you didn’t have sex with Fluttershy?” Twilight asked after some time.

“Like I said, I’ll ask her if she’s interested later. Lord knows her arse is made for grabbing”

“Please, Max, I didn’t need to hear that!”

“Just gotta learn the right questions to ask.”

Twilight left shortly after and my moral compass felt a little skewed, but I hadn’t actually lied. I dodged the question as well as I could, but I still needed to talk to Fluttershy to sort out what exactly there was between us now. I could bear just being friends, but I didn’t know if I could have her as a lover; I was just too crass at times, and I didn’t want her to be miserable, even if I was still a bit salty about what she had said the other day. It was time for Lupa and I to take a field trip across town.

I had forgotten all about my job with Onyx Lock until I passed it in the light of day. I stopped by and saw that he had a new assistant. It was some teenage fellow who looked like he knew more about chewing rocks than picking locks, and when I asked to see his boss, he looked around before heading to the back of the shop without saying a word to me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if there were more doors in the place, but Onyx had a strict policy of keeping possible entry and exit points to a minimum. That alone had already sullied my opinion of the guys intelligence, but he had looked in the door’s direction twice before locating it. I shook my head in disbelief at some people’s stupidity and walked to the back of the shop myself, not trusting the fool to get Onyx any time within the next ten minutes. I actually had to let the poor bastard out of the janitors closet after he locked himself in on the way over. I just picked the lock using some of Onyx’s equipment, which made me doubt the fellows intelligence even further: the door locked from the inside. After sending on his way, I saw the guy I was looking for working on making a few new locks. I knocked on the wall and he looked up.

“Well if it isn’t my no good partner. Coming back for your old job? ‘Cause it’s been filled while you were gone.”

“I doubt I’ll be in Ponyville too long anyways. Just wanted to catch up for a little bit.”

“I’ll take a rain check. Stop by after business hours and we’ll catch up over a drink or two”

“Sounds like a plan, man. Later tonight or some other day?”

“I have some extra work to do tonight, but tomorrow is fine.”

“Even better, I have an appointment with a goofball later anyway.”

“Don’t tell me you’re with Pinkie Pie.” He deadpanned

“Nope. Not really with Rarity either. She’s supposed to be helping me become more of a gentleman.”

“She’s a good pony for it. Right prim and proper. More of a Canterlot pony if you ask me, rather than a small town mare, but you know what they say about big fish in little ponds.”

“I hear you. If there’s anyone who can help me with my manners, she’s the one. Lemme get out of your hair so you can keep working. Later, Onyx.”

“Later, Max.”

With my little detour finished, I continued on to Fluttershy’s house. Lupa and I usually cut a wide swath wherever we went in Canterlot, but in Ponyville it was a different story. We stopped a few times to let some of the kids pet her as I watched over, and as long as they played nice, Lupa didn’t seem to mind too much. I think she was appreciating the attention more than anything. That or not being feared, but when a fucking wolf her size so much as yawns, anyone in their right mind would be at least a little nervous. Hell, I know she won’t come at me unless I do something particularly dumb, but it’s still a little terrifying in the mornings. Her bright blue, intelligent eyes do a lot to help quell those fears, but seriously. If she turned on me, there’d be precious little I could do.

I let those thoughts dissipate on their own since it wasn’t something I could help, thus making it pointless to worry about. Lupa was a gentle giant most of the time, and seeing her play with the children just reinforced that, not that I needed further assurance. Honestly, I was pretty grateful that she had taken to me. She could take care of herself most of the time, help me out around the house when she felt like it, and was there for me when I needed it. It was truly difficult to see her as anything other than a mute friend. I could never refer to Lupa as just a pet in good conscience because that would imply that she was a dumb animal, and that was something I would allow no one to say about her. I corrected a few of the town’s kids when they asked me if she was my pet, stating that she was more like a companion. Lupa preened when I said that, though I just rolled my eyes at her antics. I expected her to know how much she meant to me. As I’m writing this, I had to reach out and pet her, though I still haven’t elaborated on just how much I adore my favorite pupper.

Once we were clear of the kids, we got to Fluttershy’s quaint little cabin unimpeded. Lupa fucked off to do whatever it is she does when she’s not around and I knocked on Fluttershy’s door. I waited for a little bit until a fucking bear opened the door. It took me a moment to recognize him as Bearett, the fellow I had napped on during my first visit to Fluttershy’s. He cocked his head at me.

“I’m here for Fluttershy, you know where she is?”

Bearett stepped out and rose to his full height and shrugged, plopping down with a thud. I had been a little terrified for a moment that he was going to take a swing at me, but my fears turned out to be pointless when he went back inside and grunted a few times. I took that as an invitation to come in and wait for Fluttershy to come back, so I followed him in and had a seat. It was awkward. I had been juggling knives with a small audience when Fluttershy came back with arms full of bags. I rushed over to help her and she shrieked, dropping nearly everything. Between me and some of her larger animal creatures, we managed to save everything except a loaf of bread that a blue jay had tried to carry. Fluttershy had covered her face and peeked through her fingers when it was all said and done.

“M-Max?”

“Bit jumpy aren’t we, poppet?” I put the things I had caught on Bearett’s back and her gaggle of animals carried the various things to what I assumed to be the correct places.

“I-I wasn’t expecting you… How are you?” She asked, brushing some of her hair from her face.

“I’m doing well, and so’s Lupa. You know, you never did tell me if I had to wash her.”

“Oh. You shouldn’t have to. Wolves are usually very clean canines unless they roll around in something smelly, but I never had that problem with her.”

“That’s what happens when you have an incredibly smart animal; they act weird. Speaking of, does she seem a bit off to you? Compared to other wolves I mean.”

“Well, she is really smart for a wolf, though Bearett and Angel are both like her when it comes to that. I don’t know why they’re as intelligent as they are.” She hid behind her hair again.

“My guess is the company they keep. Either your animals are well trained, or they’re all somewhat sentient.”

“T-That’s not really t-true, some of my animals are normal, b-but a lot of them are smart. I really don’t know why…” Fluttershy’s body language told me she was uncomfortable.

I reached out and touched her arm. “I’m not trying to grill you here, poppet. If you don’t know, then that’s fine.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Literally just said it’s fine, so don’t worry about it. That’s not really why I’m here, anyways. I wanted to talk about that night.”

“...Okay.”

“What are we, now? What do you make of it”

“I-I d-don’t know…”

This was going to be as easy as pulling my own teeth. “Do you want to try being in a relation-”

“Yes!” Fluttershy interjected.

I lifted my brows. “You sure you don’t want to think about it a little more? I’m going to warn you now, I’m a right prick most of the time. I’ll probably tease you or piss you off more times than you can count over the course of a few day's.”

“...It sounds like you don’t want me.”

“It should sound like I’m trying to tell you what you’re getting into before you rush into it. I made the mistake of expecting people to accept me without telling them anything about me, and besides a few conversations, we haven’t really talked.”

“I-I don’t want to be a mare that just sleeps around with a-anypony…”

“I’m not a pony. And since you’ve brought it up, are we going to tell Twilight and the rest about what happened? She came over this morning and asked me some tough questions. I didn’t lie to her.”

“I feel like you didn’t tell her the truth.” Fluttershy looked disappointed in me.

“Oi! I just said I didn’t lie! I dodged the question and didn’t give her a straight answer, that’s all. If you count lies by omission, then your perception of lying is skewed.”

“It’s not skewed!” Fluttershy shook her head. “If anypony asks, I want you to be honest with them, Max. You said you were trying to be a better pony, but you’re not even trying!”

“I am trying! I would’ve been quite proud to tell her that we slept together, but I didn’t want to embarrass you or spread your business around. Speaking of, do you want to have sex with me?”

Fluttershy gave me an incredulous look.

“I told Twilight that I would ask you next time I saw you. That’s how I dodged the question.”

“...I can’t really blame you if you just didn’t answer her question, but that’s still dishonest, Max. You should hold yourself to higher standards.”

“We’re not even together and you’re nagging me like we’ve been married for years!” Fluttershy gasped and reddened.

“I am NOT a n-nag! Of all the things you could say-”

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t say you were one, I said you were doing it. Would you prefer it if I told you that you were bitching?”

“Yes!”

“Well then. Quit bitching at me.”

“If you tried harder to be a better pony, I wouldn’t have to!”

“Again, I am trying harder,” I replied evenly, “and I am making progress. You want me to be a better man overnight, and that’s just not going to happen. I’ve had too much time to settle into my ways.”

“That’s one of the reasons I want to be with you! You need somepony to hold you accountable, to hold you to higher standards!”

“And if that’s not something I want from a relationship?”

“Then I’ll do it as your friend.”

“Who wants to be friends with someone who’s trying to force them to do something?”

Her eyes widened. “T-that’s not it-”

I sighed. “That is what you’re doing, Flutters. You’re meddling in my affairs again. I know you just want to help, but if we’re going to be together, you need to realize that I already had a mother. A shitty one, granted, but a mother nonetheless, and I don’t want another.”

“I’m not trying to mother you, I’m just trying to look out for you!”

“We’ve been over this.” I rubbed my temples.

“And I think we need to go over it again!”

“We really don’t. We disagree and that’s that. I’m not arguing with you just to get nowhere.” I looked at her and it was my turn to be disappointed.

“Don’t look at me like that!”

I blinked slowly and shook my head. “I’ll talk to you later, Fluttershy.” I turned to leave and she caught my arm, reminding me of the events from two nights ago.

There was no kiss this time. “Fine, I’ll try to stay out of your business, but you don’t know what it's like to watch someone you care about throw their life away!”

“If you ever say something that fucking stupid to me again, I’m going to slap the shit out of you.”

Fluttershy looked stricken. “W-What?”

I just stared at her, my face falling completely flat. Of course I couldn’t expect Fluttershy to know that the original Maxwell had died from a preventable disease, caused by something I had told him to quit multiple times, but she had struck a nerve with that comment. It just proved that Fluttershy didn’t know enough about me to pass judgement like she had been.

“M-Max? P-Please don’t hit me.”

“I’m not going to. You don’t know anything about me, Fluttershy. You don’t know why I am the way I am, yet the first thing out of your mouth is that I need to change.”

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” She looked like she was about to cry. This was exactly what I didn’t want to deal with.

“Come to my place later, we’ll talk once our heads have cooled.”

“O-Okay.”

I actually got to walk away that time, leaving Fluttershy’s house walking as quickly as I could with my thoughts abuzz. I knew her heart was in the right place, but a man can only take being scolded so much, could only take being told that his best wasn’t good enough so many times. It gave me a headache thinking that I would have to sit Fluttershy down and explain everything, and I meanteverything, to her, one step at a time so that she could understand, and the more I thought about it, the sicker I became. My stomach twisted in knots and clenched in a way that made me wonder what the Hell I had eaten until I accepted the fact that I was a secretive person by nature. I had already known that, but I never realized the extent until I thought more about it. The pieces of a puzzle I had never even knew existed fell into place as I thought about how much I would be revealing, how many things I had only told one person, and more things that I had never told anyone. My heart sank as I walked. The process was going to painful in more ways than one. I never thought of just how few questions Celestia had asked about me and just how little I had told any of the ponies, I had always just held it all in, even when I was back in Wiltshire. Spilling my secrets was something I needed to do if I ever wanted the ponies I knew to accept me for who I was, but by God, there was nothing I wanted to do less in my entire life.

My worries had blinded me to the fact that I was clear across town, and that I had left Lupa behind. That, and I hadn’t given Fluttershy a time to be at my house, so I either had to go back to her place and give her one or see if Rarity was busy at the moment. I said ‘fuck that’ to both of my options and made a third. I went home, wrote a note, and waited. Approximately twenty minutes later, Celestia and Velvet appeared in front of me.

“Hullo ladies.”

“Hello.” Celestia replied cautiously.

Velvet said nothing, her body language stand offish and clearly aggressive.

“We need to talk. I shouldn’t expect you to-”

“Don’t expect buck-all from me, Max.” Velvet hissed.

I was somewhat taken aback, but I understood what I had done wrong. “Velvet, I-”

“You what? You’re gone for less that a bucking day and you go off and buck some hussy you hated!? What in Tartarus is wrong with you!? How do you expect me to be okay with that, Max? How do you think you would feel?”

“I’d feel betrayed.” I said quietly

“Exactly! You’ve got to take responsibility for your actions and see just how much of an ass you are. I can’t believe you right now.” Velvet was on a warpath, and I deserved every word. I sat silent and listened.

“What do you even want from me? What do you want from us? I know I helped you when you were down, but I can’t deal with you if you keep pulling crap like this! I know I’m already sharing you,” She flung an arm out, gesturing to Celestia,” but that doesn’t mean you can just sleep around willy nilly!”

“I should’ve considered your feelings before I slept with Fluttershy, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart, Velvet Breeze. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t think.”

“That’s right! You didn’t think! You never think! All you care about is yourself!”

“That’s not fair, Velvet,” Celestia began,”We wouldn’t be here if Max didn’t care, I’m sure.”

“Celestia’s right. You’re here because I care about-”

“Nothing! I’m done with you, Max! You’re a terrible pony and an even worse special somepony. You can rot in Tartarus for all I care.” She finished icily.

Velvet was halfway out the door when she turned back.

“I hope you see those four stallions when you go. I know they had to be better ponies than you.”

Celestia and I sat in silence as I held back tears. Not only had I cheated on the mare who had comforted me in my time of need, but I had hurt her enough to lash out. A kind soul like her’s didn’t deserve to be marred by a bitter one such as mine. I brushed Celestia’s hand away from my shoulder as she tried to comfort me. All I could think about was how poisonous my very presence was; how many people had I hurt since I’d been here after most of them had shown me little more than kindness. The throbbing pain grew, but I couldn’t see a way to make it right.

“Max… I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything to Velvet. She’s a sensible mare, she’ll forgive you in time.”

“I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I’m fucking toxic, Celestia. Everywhere I go I spread misery and that’s it. Whether or not I mean to, I do. That’s just the creature I am-”

Celestia put and end to my self pity with a kiss.

“You are not toxic, Max. You’re a noble pony who’s misunderstood, not just some hate filled monster, and I know you’re actively trying to become better, that you’re not happy stagnating until you really do become toxic. Velvet was angry and hurt; she wasn’t thinking clearly, she said things she didn’t mean.”

“You can say that, but she was right, Celestia. The only person I ever think about is me. I never should have slept with Fluttershy.”

Celestia bit her lip and held me at arms length. “I said it was okay, I orchestrated the situation that lead to it, and I practically pushed you into it, Max. It’s not just your fault, I should share the blame.”

“You didn’t take over my body and force me to do it, Celestia. I just couldn’t think straight after that smell took over, but I can’t use that as an excuse; I still did it and nothing can ever change that.” I buried my head in my hands.

“A mare’s estrus pheromones can be a potent… aphrodisiac.” Celestia facepalmed “If you’re not used to them they’ll drive a stallion mad with lust.”

We looked at each other and I leaned back, covering my face with my hands.

“Are you seriously saying that I fucked Fluttershy because she was in heat? How the hell did pony pheromones even affect me?”

“I don’t exactly know, but that may be the cause! I’ll explain it to Velvet! I know she’ll understand that if nothing else!” Celestia seemed worried but still hopeful, but before I could tell her not to bother, that I would own my mistake, she was gone.

She and Velvet returned a few hours later. I was in the middle of something when I heard them knock on my bathroom door. I finished quickly, hid the evidence and splashed some water on my face. When I opened the door, Celestia seemed a little tense, but was otherwise fine while Velvet looked uncomfortable.

“Where you going somewhere, Max?” Celestia asked, gesturing to the pebble gray jacket I had donned in their absence.

“Didn’t think you were coming back and I need to get out of here. Can we talk somewhere else?”

Celestia looked at Velvet and she nodded. I lead the way out into the Whitetail Woods. We walked for a good ten minutes before we came across the clearing Lupa and I had discovered on our walk the day before. I finally faced them after travelling in silence.

“Velvet, nothing I can say, no arbitrary circumstances, no matter how relevant, can excuse the fact that I hurt you. You’ve been nothing other than good to me, and I can’t use pheromones or anything else as a justification for my actions.”

Celestia’s face fell. “Max…”

The sounds of the forest overtook the silence until Velvet spoke up.

“I didn’t mean what I said when I left. That was cold, and I’m sorry for it, Max. I now understand why you slept with that Fluttershy mare, but you’re right; that doesn’t excuse you in any case. We rushed into things without knowing each other at all, and we never set rules or anything of the sort, but you still cheated and I can’t forgive that.”

“I never said I wanted it. I know I don’t deserve it. I was going to tell Celestia to leave you alone, but...”

Celestia was distraught, but Velvet and I had said our peace.

“Your Highness, can you send me back home now?”

Celestia’s horn glowed bright and Velvet was gone, leaving us by ourselves. I grabbed Celestia’s hand and lead her further into the woods, taking in as much of nature’s bounty as my turbid mind could.

“...I’m sorry, Max. I thought I could fix things quickly, but I’m rather sure I just made them worse. I’m so stupid! I should’ve waited and given her more time to calm down before I got her to come back. I botched the whole thing!” Celestia lamented more to herself than to me.

“You tried your best, you just messed up the timing. I’d tell you not to worry about it too much, but it’d be a waste of my breath.”

“I’m thousands of years old, Max! I should know the value of patience, I just…”

“You saw my pain and wanted to make it better. It’s harder to keep a clear mind when it comes to a lover. It’s okay.” It wasn’t just lip service. I was frustrated with her, but I did understand.

“I ruined any chance of you patching things up with Velvet. I know the future's always uncertain, but I’m just not seeing how I can fix this right now.”

I stopped and embraced Celestia. “You are not perfect, Celestia, and no matter how much you try, you never will be. When it comes to me, you don’t have to be so please; just drop it.” I held her and looked into her eyes, seeing frustration.

“That sounded like an insult.”

“I could’ve worded that differently, but the latter half was the important bit.”

“You’re a better ‘man’ than you think you are.”

“I can still be better.” I let go and began to walk away when Celestia took my arm in a vice like grip, making me gasp in pain.

Celestia’s apologetic attitude had turn far, far darker than I had seen before.

I tried to wrench my arm out of her grasp “What the hell!?”

“Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice?” The sleeves of my jacket vaporized before her grip, showing the ruined flesh and bloodied makeshift bandages beneath.

“I didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was done.” I uttered bitterly

“I won’t stand for this, Maximus. You will not harm yourself again.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, now could you please let go? That shit hurts enough without you using your freakish Kung-Fu Grip.”

Celestia healed the various cuts and let go, trading my arm for my hand. “I care about you, and I would happily obliterate anypony that hurts you, but I can’t protect you from yourself.”

“You mean you would obliterate anyone other than one of your little ponies?”

Celestia looked stricken. “What do you mean? I would do anything to protect you, Max!” Applejack. Enough said.

I knew that wasn’t true, but now wasn’t the time. “You can’t protect me from myself Celestia. I can’t even do that most of the time.” I looked up and saw that the Sun was setting.

“Don’t change the subject! What do you mean?”

“We’ll talk about it later. I’ve got to get over to Fluttershy’s, and then go to Rarity’s.”

She didn’t seem very happy with that, but she acquiesced. “I thought you were going to tell me before you slept with other mares.”

“I’m not sleeping with either of them. I need to explain some things to Fluttershy, and Rarity is giving me lessons.”

“What are you explaining and what kinds of lessons?”

“Explaining why I am the way I am, and my lessons were supposed to be a surprise, but I think I just want to go to sleep. Today fucking sucked.”

Celestia and I left the woods, though she teleported back to Canterlot after walking me home. Lupa had returned and was very happy to see me until she sensed my mood. I told her about the day's events and she whined, sticking close to me, despite her earlier condemnation. In the end, I could always trust Lupa to stay by my side. My forearms and biceps itched from Celestia healing my mistakes, but I was still grateful. My soul felt so worn out, I wrote Fluttershy and rarity notes, sending them by dragon fire, apologizing for not feeling up to making their acquaintances as I had promised. Sadly, Fluttershy still showed up after nightfall. I asked Lupa to send her away, but she was powerless against Fluttershy’s will, so the mare entered my room quite worried.

“Are you okay, Max? Your note said that you were tired, but it doesn’t seem like you to cancel…”

“Yeah. I know I said I follow through, but I just… I just can’t right now Fluttershy.”

“...Is it my fault?”

“Partially.” I knew I should have lied, but I didn’t care.

“I-I’m sorry…”

I remained silent and closed my eyes as I felt Lupa hop onto my bed. I didn’t hear anything so I looked to see and Fluttershy was still standing in my doorway. Filling my lungs in hopes that I could plug the holes that my heart bled out of, I sat up and looked her in the eye.

“Fluttershy, what I’m about to tell you never leaves this room. If I ever hear that you repeated a single word, we will never speak again. Do you accept these terms?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“If you can’t accept them then we have nothing to talk about.”

“I can accept your terms!”

I looked at Fluttershy, her uncertainty plastered all over her face.

“I don’t think you can. I think you wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone should the situation demand it, despite what I just told you. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust, but if I remove the people you would tell from the equation by telling them myself…” An idea formed in my head.

“What do you mean? I wouldn’t tell anypony if you asked me not to!”

“Yeaaaaah, nah. No trust here. Grab Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight. I’ll write Celestia while you’re gone.” I got up and grabbed a few sheaves of paper, jotting down the beginnings of what I was going to tell the girls. I was proofreading when Fluttershy came back with the her herd of friends and I offered them each a cup of tea.

“I’m sure you’re all curious as to why I’ve asked you to come here.” I garnered nods from everyone except Pinkie who was making a face at my tea.

“You’re here because it’s come to my attention that I’ve asked you all to accept me as I am without giving you reasons, or really any incentive to do so. I’ve been a right prick most days, though I believe I’d had good reason on a few occasions.” Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack all averted their gazes.

I took a deep breath and let it flow. “When I was younger, my mother often beat my father. He took it because he refused to raise his hand against a woman, and that he, at least, had to set a proper example for me. All I saw in him was a coward, but I respected his perseverance in the face of abuse later in life, but that will never be able to take back the harsh words I said to him.”

I sipped from my mug of coffee that I had made for myself. “Most of my childhood was spent in squalor with my father working his fingers to the bone while my mother shot as much junk into her veins as she could. She took money and whatever else she could get her hands on to fuel her habit, which made our poor conditions that much worse, but my father never blamed her for it. He had known her when there was something in her to love, and had never let go of those memories. He showed me love as often as he could, even if it meant that he would be left bleeding at the end of the night for not giving my mother his sole and undivided attention. My father, whether I admitted it at the time or not, was my rock, my unappreciated hero.”

Clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking, I prepared myself.

“When I was eleven, my mother had switched from heroin, an opiate that gives a person the sensation of being coated in bliss, to methamphetamine, a stimulant that left the user incapable of resting for any period of time for day's on end. I can’t describe either of them terribly well since I’ve never done either, but I can tell you that they’re both life destroying in their effects because of their highly addictive nature.”

“Like Manganese Salt to ponies?” Twilight asked.

“I’m not sure. What does it do?”

“It dehydrates a pony, then makes ‘em do some strange stuff. I ain’t never had a chance to talk to a pony about it in depth, though I know a few who have done it. They say they just feel happier and invincible until they come down.” Applejack explained.

“Sounds about like heroin, from what I’ve heard. May I continue?” The gravitas from what I was about to say had disappeared, though most of the women in the room still looked apprehensive. After another round of nods I spoke again.

“During an extensive bender, my mother had burned through our grocery, rent, and savings to buy more junk and when my father confronted her about taking the money he had set aside for my lunches at school, she became belligerent, asking him ‘just where the bloody hell’ he got off telling her she couldn’t do with ‘her’ money. My father had finally had enough and slapped her, which she answered by stabbing him thirty-seven times in the chest in a meth fueled rage. The next thing I know, she took me across town to one of her drug buddies den and we stayed there while the authorities scoured our town looking for us. I was twelve when she had killed my father in front of me and thirteen when she contracted an immuno-deficiency virus that left her vulnerable to most illnesses. It was then that I used my naturally small stature and quick hands to start picking pockets to keep food in our stomachs. Less than a year later, my mother died of her disease and I was homeless, though I was far happier for it because that meant I didn’t have to deal with multiple people being high as a kite at a time, or getting molested by junkies with a taste for younger men. Life was still hard, but I spent the next few years attending school by day and strolling the nights. I paid my way into a group of like minded fellows that set me up with a place to stay, and that went on until I met the young man I would come to call my brother. The name you call me by is his. My real name is Kaid.

“So you’ve been lying to us this entire time!?” Rarity exclaimed. The girls looked shocked, though Applejack looked far less judgemental than the rest, which I attributed to her being more world wise than her, our, friends.

In fact, Applejack spoke before I did. “I think Kaid-”

I interrupted. “Please, Kaid is doing his best to die. I didn’t tell you girls earlier because I want to take up a new name to signify the start of a new life, and if you don’t mind, I would like you to ignore that name from now on. There’s no point in dwelling on the dead.” My hypocrisy almost made me chuckle.

“Max, then. Is that the only reason?” Applejack inquired.

“No, I believe names have power. Not that magic was real in any sense where I came from, but having the wrong person know your name could make things rough for you, so everyone I knew went by a pseudonym of some sort.”

“Ooh, ooh! What was yours?” Pinkie asked.

I looked at the walls and pretended like I had a chance of ignoring her.

“Max, darling, it really is quite rude to leave a question unanswered.” Rarity scolded.

I sighed. “My most popular nickname was ‘Gecko’.”

The mood I had previously set didn’t dissuade a few giggles

“Why did they call you Gecko?” Rainbow asked through her snorts.

“I could climb most walls with relative ease. If a job took me to a house with a target that was higher than the first floor, I usually went up on the outside and left the same way. It was a trademark of mine, in a manner of speaking.”

Satiated with my answer, Twilight spoke. “So what happened with the original Max?

“The original Max and I spent a couple years together taking jobs together, sharing profits and living the life of two young bachelors without much to live for. Maxwell contracted a disease called cancer, most likely from an activity called ‘smoking’ and died over the course of three months. I spent his final moments awake with him, never leaving his side, but once he fell into a coma and I couldn’t rouse him, I took him to the hospital where I learned he was brain dead and abandoned him before his heart fully stopped.”

I looked around the room and let my hands go. I had them in a death grip when I finished.

“Any questions?”

“How much of that is true?” Fluttershy asked.

“All of it. I wouldn’t call you here just to lie to you.”

“If all that’s true, your life sucked, dude.” Rainbow stated.

“That’s just the big stuff. I’ve been double crossed more times than I can count, been chained up by a gang of women once or twice, robbed, mugged, had my second head fondled by more handsy old ladies than I’d like to admit. Keep in mind I haven’t mentioned much in the way of the good times, but that’s because you evidently see the redeemable glimmer of a nonasshole in me already, and I don’t think pleasant memories are necessary to explain that. I accept the parts for what they are.”

“I...I don’t really know what to do with this information, Max. I’m pretty sure none of us do.” Twilight said.

“I don’t expect you to do anything with it other than use it to understand why I am the way I am. If that doesn’t help much, then feel free to ask more questions.”

“Why were you so angry with your dad? He seemed like a respectable man, especially if he put up with your mom’s abuse for so long.” Applejack inquired.

“I was young; I didn’t see it as a noble sacrifice. All I saw was my father getting beaten up and doing nothing about it. Like I said, it took me a while to realize just how good a man he was, and that he had taken the blows so that I wouldn’t have to.”

“Do you have any good memories? Like of your birthdays and stuff?” Pinkie asked. Her hair was far less puffy than it had been before the conversation started, which I found odd.

“The last good birthday I had before my mother died was when I was eight, when we went to Wacky Warehouse. She had stayed home because the bright lights hurt her eyes, so it was myself and my father on that one. We had a good time. My last happy birthday was with the original Max, but I don’t think you want to hear about us going out to get blitzed and finding loose women.”

Rainbow grinned while the rest grimaced. “I kinda want to hear about that!”

I lifted a brow. “Then I’ll tell you later. Anymore questions?”

Fluttershy needlessly raised her hand. “...Do you expect everypony to betray you? Is that why you can’t trust anypony?”

She had lined up the shot for me and stood point blank, but I decided not to take it.

“In part, yes. As I’ve told you before, much of the faith and trust I’ve put in people has been thrown back into my face, and that was only in England. Some of the trust I’ve put in the very people in this room has come back to bite me, so yeah, it’s been hard for me to trust all of you with this information.” Twilight and Fluttershy averted their gazes.

“I must ask, if I may, why trust us at all if you’ve been hurt as you say?” Rarity asked.

“Because I’ve been unfair, spiteful, and rude for many of our interactions, no matter how well warranted and I believe this is the biggest step I can take to actually achieving my goal of being a decent person. Our lessons don’t count.”

“Lessons?” Everyone but Rarity chorused.

“Yes, I’ve asked Rarity to teach me the finer points of being a gentleman since I’ve had little reason to practice in the past few years. Ever since I broke up with my last girlfriend in England, I’ve had little reason to do much other than flirt and charm my way into a woman’s pants. No offense meant, especially if I haven’t tried to charm you yet.” Let's see how they handle that little tidbit.

Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity looked confused while Fluttershy and Twilight reddened. Pinkie cocked her head to the side and smiled creepily. I think that girl terrifies me just a lotta bit.

“You say that as if you’ve already done things with one of us!” Rarity exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow nodded in unison.

I said nothing for a moment and looked at no one in particular. “Where’s your honesty now?”

Rainbow Dash looked more befuddled. “Huh?”

Twilight and Fluttershy spoke at the same time, interrupting each other. Twilight’s eyes grew wide and she blushed furiously as anger bloomed on her face. Fluttershy’s eyes mimicked hers, but she was blushing out of embarrassment.

“My honesty!? What about your discretion!? You were happy enough to pat yourself on the back for it this morning!” Twilight shouted.

“I wasn’t talking to you, love.” I deadpanned. A smirk grew on my face as every head had turned to Twilight.

“I can’t believe you bedded the egghead!” Rainbow laughed. She stopped when she realized she was the only one laughing.

“To be fair, she was too drunk for me to go past third base in good conscience, so that didn’t actually happen.” I corrected.

“So who were you talking to, Max?” Pinkie asked.

“Wasn’t me, obviously.” Applejack stated, brow raised.

“No offense meant, but we would have to be much more acquainted.” Rarity sniffed.

“Not really my thing.” Rainbow said indifferently

They all looked to the only person left who hadn’t spoken and I inwardly punched myself. I only realized now how cruel I was being. Eh, I was in too deep now.

I would throw her a bone, see what she was made of. “It’s awfully hard to say anything when someone has already lied.”

“What do you mean somepony lied?” Rainbow asked.

“I mean exactly what I said.”

“Why are you so cryptic sometimes?” Twilight inquired. “Why don’t you just come out… And... Say it.” From the look of her face, she had figured it out. She cast a furtive glance at Fluttershy who tried to shrink into her seat as far as possible

I had to hold back a grin as I waited for the rest of them to figure out that I had meant nothing.

“Does anyone want a hint? Because I’m just trying to offer an out.”

“What does that mean?” Rarity asked.

“It means I’m distracting you.”

“Why don’t you just tell us who you slept with?” Rainbow asked, tired of my game.

“Because, as Twilight said, I laude my own discretion, even if I didn’t quite mean to imply that I had slept with one of you girls.”

“I can’t say anything because I think I know and it really isn't my place to say. Max told me earlier that you just have to ask the right questions.” Twilight hinted

“N-N-No pony h-has to ask anything. I-I-It was m-me.” Fluttershy stuttered and stammered.

Jaws dropped around the room. Rainbow glared at me jealously.

“I can’t believe you took advantage of Fluttershy dude! That’s so not cool!”

“I didn’t take advantage of anyone.” I stated evenly. “Fluttershy? Do you want to explain what happened, or can I?”

“I-I’ll do it!” She said hurriedly.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and continued with all eyes on her.

“A-As you m-may know, I’ve b-been in estrus this week…”

Understanding coated the faces of the ladies in the room and a few glares were tossed my way.

“I don’t know why you’re all looking atme. If it hadn’t been for a third party’s influence and it having been my first time being trapped in a closed space with a mare’s pheromones, I probably wouldn’t have done it seeing as how Fluttershy and I had been doing nothing but arguing all day. In fact, it was just as much her fault as it was mine, if not more so.”

Fluttershy hid behind her hair and it was open season on me.

“How crass! Max, I can’t believe you! Taking advantage of Fluttershy such a state!” Rarity proclaimed. Bitch, did you not fucking hear me?

“Hold on now,” Applejack began, “If Flutters was in estrus, I don’t doubt that she came on to him. What’s he supposed to do? Tell her no and hurt her feelin’s?”

“I-I did start it, i-in a sense. W-We were arguing a-and I kissed him. A-And I accepted the massage…”

“You can’t expect us to believe that! Our innocent little Fluttershy wouldn’t do something like that!” Pinkie cried. I looked at her like she was retarded.

“Are you retarded? From my experience so far, estrus can affect a mare’s thinking and actions if my little romp with Twilight was anything to go by. Hell, she went from kindly bookworm to sexy librarian quite quickly.” The mare in question blushed up a storm and I had to bite back another smile. “Fluttershy wanted a piece of me and I got permission from my lover, so under impaired judgement wemade a little love. Consent from both parties. I don’t regret it.” I finished with a lie to protect Fluttershy’s feelings.

Rarity still looked quite scandalized, but relented. Rainbow still looked jealous, but less angry, and Twilight was blushing.

“You told me you didn’t do that, Max! I asked you directly!”

“I said I would ask Fluttershy if she was interested. I didn’t lie to you, I just dodged the fuck out of your question, which I’ve seen you do to Spike, so you can say it’s not fair.” She still appeared miffed, but she hadn’t a leg to stand on now.

“Much as I’d love to stay and talk, I got work in the mornin’. I’ll see you girls, and guy, later.” Applejack stated, getting up to leave.

Rarity spoke up. “And despite your note, I really would have liked to give you a lesson tonight, but I suppose it can wait.”

“Later dudes.” Rainbow said with eloquence.

“I wanna ask you something, Max!” Pinkie said, drawing Twilight and Fluttershy’s attention.

“Go ahead.”

“Well I wanna ask you in private, silly!”

I looked to Twilight and Fluttershy, both of whom shrugged.

“I-I want to ask something to.”

“I guess I’m going to go then.” Twilight followed Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow on their way out, leaving me with the two pinkest mares in the group.

“So how can I help you two?” I was tired and didn’t really want to deal with either, but I was still being polite.

Fluttershy glanced over at Pinkie. “I-I want to talk in private too…”

“Then one of you is either going to have to wait elsewhere or see me tomorrow. It’s been an awfully long day.”

“My question shouldn’t take long!”

“Then could you wait in the guest room for a moment, Flutters? I have a feeling I know what your question is.” She nodded and left, leaving me with the hot pink horror.

“So, Pinkie. What can I-”

“Do you think I’m a pretty pony?”

I blinked. “I suppose so. I would call you more annoyingly cute, though”

“Does that mean I’m more annoying or more cute?”

“Yes.”

“Twilight was right! You are pretty cryptic!”

“I tend to be. Was that your question, Pinkie?”

“Nope. I want you to rut me like a dirty little whorse!”

“I just lost someone who meant a lot to me because I laid with Fluttershy, I’ll not risk losing another. That, and my soul is aching so I don’t feel like it anyway.”

“Awww! You should have a cupcake, they’re good for your soul.” Pinkie said knowingly.

“I should like to think that a muffin would do just as well.”

“Nope!” Pinkie reached behind her and plucked a dark blue cupcake from nowhere.

“Where did you get that?” I asked tentatively.

“It’s been there the whole time! You really should pay more attention to your house, it still kinda smells like Fluttershy in here.”

“...There has never been anything on that table, Pinkie. I guess I’ll have to put a candle there to dissuade you from putting anymore baked goods in places I’m apparently not watching.”

She nudged the cupcake forward. There was a ludicrous amount of buttercream frosting on it that looked precariously spiraled on top. I collected it from my coffee table and tried a bite, half expecting Pinkie to be right.

She was not. “I still feel like shit.”

“Well, duh!” It’s not magic! You have to eat a lot of them to fill that gaping hole in your soul. Maybe if you engaged in some meaningless casual sex you could fill that void for a bit?” She raised her brow at me a few times.

I took in her figure and clothing choices and inwardly gagged. By no means do I discriminate against body types, nor most forms of fashion, but Pinkie Pie’s somewhat small frame and bright blue blouse covered in floral print gave her the impression of a much younger woman. She looked more like a teeny-bopper than the grown woman I knew her to be, and her bright, bubbly personality only sought to make me want to distance me from her further. All that combined with the fact that Pinkie Pie had been the original one to sell my secret meant I wanted to spend less and less time with her. Seriously; best locks in Ponyville (though I could crack most with some time) and she had still gotten into the Lock Pad without so much as a sound. Pinkie scared me more than I was willing to let on.

“Sorry, Pinkie, but as I said earlier, I have no intention of alienating my other lover for a quick romp. If anything, I deserve the pain and am quite content to wallow in it until that ‘gaping hole’ is cured, whether by her forgiveness or my own sufficient penance.”

“A little bit of Pinkie brand magic will help it along!”

“If you’re thinking I’m just some slut who’ll take anyone who comes along, you’re sorely mistaken, Pinkie. I understand that you have desires, and while I am flattered that you would ask, no means no.”

Her hair flattened visibly.. “Is it because I’m not as pretty as Fluttershy or Twilight?”

Aww shit, I was going to have to play this smart. “That’s not the reason and you should already know that, Pinkie. You’re cute in a way separate from Twilight and pretty in a way separate from Fluttershy. What you need to understand is that my heart hurts and I don’t want anything other than to be left alone right now.”

“So I’m not as good as either?”

“If you just want to be offended, do so away from me. I don’t have the patience for it.”

“I thought you just said you were trying to be a better pony!”

“I am trying. It’s just the way that I’m trying doesn’t happen to suit your fancy right now. And if you haven’t picked up the crystal clear hints by now; I. Don’t. Want. Sex. It will only act as a temporary distraction and I would rather suffer now and grow slowly used to the pain instead of placing my attention elsewhere just for it to hurt more once my distraction is gone. I might take you up on that some other time with permission from my woman, but my knob is out of commission.”

“Now you’re calling me a mere distraction? Your words hurt, Max.” Pinkie’s eyes welled with tears and her hair was as straight as straw.

I wasn’t buying it. “You can’t con me, love. I’ve met far better than at it you.”

Her hair poofed back up, her tears withdrew (somehow) and she snapped her fingers.

“I thought I had you on the ropes! Darn, I guess I’ll just have to try harder next time.”

“Please don’t. I really don’t feel like dealing with your falsities again. Send Fluttershy over when you go, yeah?”

Pinkie gave me a silly salute and bounced off to go fetch Fluttershy who had been eavesdropping in the doorway of the guest room with the door cracked. I already knew she was, so her surprised ‘eep’ came as no such surprise to me. Pinkie bounced out and Fluttershy took her place across from me.

“S-So…” Fluttershy began

“If you can’t so much as respect my privacy, then there’s no hope for us.” I stated bluntly.

“I-I-I was j-just curious! I-I didn’t mean to!”

“And your honesty fades with such empty words. I don’t want to be with someone who won’t, no, can't, respect me in any way, shape, or fashion. As I’ve said before, you want to mother me in a way I feel no desire for. You want to control and change me. I am my own man, who will do and change as I see fit.”

Fluttershy was on the verge of tears. “B-But you were my first!”

“I asked you if you were truly willing to give your first time to me and you said yes. We had no agreement, no understanding, and no prior romantic interest that I am aware of.” I said coldly.

The tears fell and I felt nothing. It was hard to pity someone who was so adamant against my very nature, who wanted to push me farther than I was willing to go, who wanted little more than a doll she could manipulate into being her perfect man. Whether Fluttershy knew what she was doing or not, she was still trying to do it.

“I-I know why you’re so cold now. You c-can’t even love, can you?”

“I hope that I can, otherwise what I feel for Celestia is nothing but a pale facsimile of what love actually is.” I drew breath and looked at Fluttershy with emotionless eyes. “What do you want from me? The pride of being able to call me yours? To make me into the man you want? Unconditional love? Because I can give you none of those things, and there’s precious little I can give you besides frustration and worry if we were ever to be together.”

“All I want for you is to be happy, Max! I know that if you have someone that will love you and care for you, you’ll make more progress!”

I picked up my now cold mug of coffee and sipped it. “Celestia said the same thing to me, you know. She said that all she wanted from me was my happiness and to make her life more interesting. The difference between the ‘happiness’ she speaks of and that of what you speak is that Celestia is willing to allow me the freedom to find my own, rather than the ‘caged bird’ happiness that you’re offering. Do you understand what I mean when I say that?”

“I-I don’t... I-I would give you your freedom!” She cried

“And yet you won’t allow me so much as a moment’s privacy with a supposed friend. You tried to force me to see Applejack the moment you saw me in that store, despite the fact that I was the one who was wronged. You don’t want me. You don’t want Max or Kaid. You want an injured animal that you can nurse, one that you can coddle to your hearts content, and I refuse to fill that role for you.”

“T-That’s not what I want!

“Then what is it? Elaborate beyond ‘happiness’.”

“I-I-I…”

“Analyze what exactly you’re looking for, the precise reason why you desire me so. When you can return with an answer, do so and we’ll speak on the matter further.”

“B-But I already know what I want!”

“Do you really.” I wasn't asking a question.

Fluttershy and I shared a long look, each of us searching the other for an answer that I knew wouldn’t come easily. Fluttershy’s eyes seemed luminous, completely transparent to me. I knew what her answer would be when she found it, otherwise I wouldn’t have said what I did. Fluttershy’s gaze grew frantic and I felt more than saw that she was closing in on the inevitable. Her lips quivered and the glow her eyes held faded, turning as lifeless as mine for but a moment. She had come to her conclusion.

“Your answer?”

“...You’re right.” She whispered, a breath on the breeze.

“I usually am. Is there anything else I can help you with?” I asked neutrally.

“N-No… I don’t think so. Thank you.”

Fluttershy left silently, her anxious aura from earlier turned grey and grim. I suppose now that I should have felt guilty for turning her away since all she had wanted was to help me in her own way, but her way was not that in which I needed nor desired. I could not allow myself to be restricted by the bindings that were her brand of kindness. Even if Fluttershy didn’t know, there was a reason that her animals rarely went back to the wild, and that reason was that her love and affection kept them close to her side. I am by no means a nomad, but as a man, my wanderlust grew and faded. Loving me would end in nothing but pain for her. Even if the pain I had caused her now seemed severe, it would never compare to that which she would feel after eventually pushing me away. I had known it from the first mention of a relationship with her, and I could only hope that I was also right about the future.

Weary and worn out, I returned to my room where Lupa resided on my bed. I took up a place near her and she laid her head on my chest, already aware of what had gone on throughout the night. I stroked her silken fur for hours, yet found no reprieve in the comfort she had once afforded me. It was a lonely feeling that lasted throughout the night into the morning and didn’t leave me during the day. I had developed heavy bags under my eyes from my shitty sleep schedule and though I wanted nothing more at that point in time than a brief respite, rest eluded me. Lupa stayed by my side all day long, going so far as to wait outside the bathroom until I finished my business and stand next to me when I cooked for her. The cupcake Pinkie had given me last night had returned during one of my visits to the restroom and I although I tried, nothing I ate agreed with me. The only solace I could find in my hours of wallowing was that the pain meant I was alive, that I would live to see another day, if only I could make it through this one.

Celestia’s Sun was setting and Luna’s Moon was rising slowly when I remembered to send that letter to Celestia. I added a few notes to it, a few more painful memories that I could never tell the girls for fear that they would never look at me with anything other than pity. The thought disgusted me so much that another round of dry heaving overtook me on my way over to Rarity’s. I earned a few stray concerned glances, but paid them no mind. I knew Rarity would fuss over my state, but all I wanted was to make a bit of progress, to know that I was doing something that wouldn’t cause someone pain.

I arrived at the Carousel Boutique before the sun had dipped complete below the horizon and knocked twice before entering. I found Rarity inside, working on a lovely ruby red dress accented in garnets and pearls that I couldn’t really appreciate at the time.

“You do great work, Rarity.” I monotoned.

She started and whipped her head around to face me, poking herself in the process.

“Oh shoot!” She hissed. “Sorry, darling, I wasn’t expecting you” She looked at the literal pinprick of blood on her finger.

“Sorry, but I did knock.” I inhaled deeply and turned on as much of my gentlemanly magic as I could. “I really must apologize, it was quite rude of me to permit myself without your word. I do hope you’ll forgive me, dear Rarity.”

Rarity froze and looked up at me. “Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?” she asked, a little stupefied.

“I am one in the same, my dear Rarity. I simply choose to ‘relax’ and use the vernacular and colloquialisms common in my homeland, rather than present myself in a manner dishonest to myself. I suppose with a fair bit of effort I could carry this facade for as long as I need.” I dropped the act. “I really just don’t want to.”

Rarity set her pin on a table nearby so she wouldn’t poke again herself as she rubbed her eyes “Y-You really should consider keeping it up, but I suppose that you’re looking for more along the lines of looking the part rather than just acting it. I presume you have it well practiced past simply speaking the part, yes?” She had gathered herself once more, trading shock for her usual persona.

“I have manners, mind you. I just don’t get many opportunities to use them. Let’s focus on the clothes that make the man for now. Of course, when you have the time to make them and a reasonable estimate, that is.”

“How could I charge a friend for something so wondrous as trying to better themselves for their special somepony? No, no, no, I won’t allow you to pay me for the privilege of helping you,” She paused and scrunched her face up, “as convoluted as that may seem.”

“It does seem convoluted. So much so, that I’m disregarding your opinion on the matter and paying you anyways. Trust me, Rarity, I have enough to buy your shop if my calculations are correct. Speaking of, do you need any investors by chance?”

“I simply cannot allow it, Max. I will hear no more on the matter, though if you do have the wealth to spare, I could use a few bits to increase marketing.” She acceded

“Name your price.”

“Oh, I don’t know, Max. It could be a very expensive venture…” She bit her lip.

I didn’t sense that she was playing coy. “Keep it under four thousand and we’re fine.”

Rarity choked “F-Four thousand!? That’s a small fortune, Max!”

“I figured. I’ve got more coming in whenever I get back to Canterlot, if I ever do go back. That’s only the half of it.”

“I’m used to being in Canterlot with the socialites and aristocrats and those are numbers they throw around! Where in heaven did you amass such an amount so quickly?”

“I did a job for Luna not too long ago, retrieving an artifact of some importance. I do wonder if it was really all that important, given how long it was gone.”

“If it paid to the sum of more than I make in…” Rarity grumbled.

“It’s unladylike to mumble.” I deadpanned.

“It’s impolite to point out another’s social inequities.” Rarity huffed.

“Isn’t the point of this appointment to point out ineptness in one’s manners?”

“Yes! For you!” Rarity giggled. She gave me a smile that lifted the corner my own mouth.

“You know, you can talk to me if something is bothering you, Max.” She said, changing tactics.

“I’m aware. I’ve already done a fair bit of talking if last night is anything to go by.”

“Yes, I know that, but something else is clearly on your mind. Have you looked in a mirror today?”

“Yeah, I was hoping you’d be nice enough to not comment.”

“It’s hard to stand by as a friend struggles, but I know you’ll seek help if you think you need it. As much as I would love to badger you for information, I think I understand the way you are well enough to know not to push you.”

I stood and looked at her as she spoke, amazed. I had totally misjudged Rarity from the beginning, thinking that she was little more than a gossip with no regard for secrecy. I realized now that she was a much better friend than the others, at least, what I considered to be a better friend.

“...I appreciate that more than you know, Rarity. It takes a good friend to know when and when not to interfere.”

“Oh believe me, darling, if you weren’t you, I would be giving you the third degree. But, seeing how much it pained you to open up, I think giving you the space you need is far more prudent than sating my own curiosity.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seeing as how you’re so willing to be patient and let me speak on my own time, I might as well tell you now while I’m willing.”

Rarity raised her eyebrows and rolled her hand in a ‘go on’ gesture.

“Sleeping with Fluttershy ended up costing me the friendship slash relationship with the same mare who comforted me when I needed it. I feel like there’s few enough ways I could have betrayed her any worse. All the woman’s ever shown me was kindness and I spit in her face for it. I only have myself to blame for it. Now Pinkie thinks I’m a slut, and I’m pretty sure Fluttershy doesn’t want to look at me.”

“I can understand where your special somepony’s coming from. Is there no hope of you two getting back together?”

“Not that I see. I’m not worthy of her anyway. Not as I am now.”

Rarity tutted and pursed her lips. “Why does Pinkie think you’re a ‘slut’? I’m sure that’s not the case.”

“I’m pretty sure it is. I’ll be trusting you to keep a secret if I do tell you, and I don’t want you to treat her any differently afterwards.”

“You should know how the nobles of Canterlot operate, Max. Prudence and austerity are the order of the day, everyday. One doesn’t get far by blabbing every little thing.” Rarity preened.

“I do know how the bourgeoisie like to do business, and gossip is a powerful tool.” I thought for a moment.

“HEY PINKIE!” I shouted.

She popped out of a wardrobe she should not have been able to fit in. Don’t ask.

“Yeees~?” She asked innocuously.

“H-How? When? What!?” Rarity stammered.

“Please leave; this is a private conversation.”

“Awww, but you were just about to get to the good part!”

“Private is private, and eavesdropping is incredibly rude.” She opened her mouth and I cut her off. “I already told Fluttershy off for it, so no, I’m not treating you unfairly.”

Pinkie huffed and skipped out, slamming the door behind her.

“...How did you know she was there?”

“Long shot guess. You know she somehow broke into the Lock Pad, right? That’s how she learned about my past in the first place.”

“...Isn’t that the, you know, lock shop?”

“It is. Best security in Ponyville, if Onyx Lock’s word is any good.”

“That’s terrifying.”

“I know. Pinkie scares me most times I talk to her.”

“Speaking of, are you getting to why she thinks your morals are so based?”

“She approached me after most of you left and propositioned me.”

“She wouldn’t!”

“She did. I don’t know why telling her about the shit show-”

Rarity tsked and wagged her finger.

“Right, the unfortunate events of my past would put her in any sort of mood for that, but she did nonetheless.”

“I don’t know why she would do that, but it’s so unlike her! Pinkie has to be one of the most innocent mares I know, if her parties and general personality are anything to go by.”

“Her festivities do tend to be rather childish, but if there’s one thing I’m learning about Pinkie, it’s that she’s a wildcard of epic proportions.”

“That’s true. Now, why do you think Fluttershy is upset with you?”

“She gave me her first time and I can’t deal with her in a relationship.”

“Max! A mare’s first time is a sacred thing; you can’t just kick her to the curb like a common whorse!”

“I was willing to try a relationship, but we’ve done nothing but argue since I’ve gotten back! I didn't ask to be her first, she sought me out, and that was only because she wanted to control me, to make me into her perfect man. That’s just something I couldn’t abide by. Why do you always assume I’m in the wrong when it comes to her?”

“Well, I’ve known Fluttershy for some time now and she makes quite the habit of being right. That, and I do consider myself closer to her than most of our other friends due to our common interests. Is defending a friend so bad?”

“Never said it was, I just asked why you assumed I was being a prick.”

“To be fair, you usually are.”

“Shut up, marshmallow, I’ll piss on your foot.”

Rarity gave me a disgusted look. “No gentlecolt speaks like that.”

“No wonder I need the help. Can we get onto some clothing ideas? I enjoy talking to you, but I haven’t slept in a while and I feel like sh-” Rarity raised a finger. “Feel like bad. I feel like bad.”

“Better, but grammatically incorrect. I suppose we could get on with our lesson now.”

Rarity and I spent the next hour and a half going over various fashions from Canterlot that ranged from snobby to formal, yet humble. I have to say, the woman knows her stuff and since she already had a pretty good idea of what I would and wouldn’t wear, it was a relatively painless process. That is, it was painless until she had to do my measurements so she could tailor my items. The process was awkward and I swear she copped a feel, no matter how many times she denied it. In any case, it turned out to be a productive meeting, though my mood from earlier hadn’t lessened much. I was still feeling like the shit on the bottom of your shoe after walking through a dog park in flip flops, but I did feel like I could actually get some sleep when I got home.

Lupa greeted me outside when I got back with a loud bark and some circling as we walked back into the house. After writing a check for a hefty sum that covered the costs for my new outfits and my investment in Rarity’s business, I headed to bed and actually got some goddamn sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I didn’t wake up until noon the next day when Lupa alerted me to a visitor who turned out to be some mail woman with some rather derp eyes. She was a bit of a goofball, but I wasn’t going to take a jab at her without a reason, so I politely thanked her and wished her a good day. I happened to notice that she did not fly straight in any sense of the word and just chalked it up to Ponyville being fucking weird. My mail turned out to be a note pertaining to my bank balance which made me smile a little. Apparently Luna thought my work with the Kobolds warranted a bit extra. A lot extra, actually, since she paid me per cadaver which had been a good few. With my finances settled for the foreseeable future, I could check one worry off my list. With nothing else to do, I considered hanging out with Rainbow Dash for the day if she wasn’t still mad about me laying Fluttershy. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about her asking for my dong.

As it turns out, Rainbow is a difficult person to find if you can’t fly. I kept an eye to the sky and Lupa watched the ground as we searched high and low for her. We asked around town which lead to us meeting a few ponies that were disturbed by my now monotone voice. I hoped that the inflection would return once I got out of this funk, but I guess my body just felt like it was a needless nicety at the moment. After failing to find Rainbow by five, I gave up and went back to the Whitetail Woods to pick a plant that I had seen there. Lupa must have sensed my plans, because she nipped the back of my calf as we neared the place I had seen it. I patted her head and gave a mirthless chuckle as we approached the tall, five leaved plant and boy was it sticky to the touch. I’ll admit that I may have salivated at the sight of it.

For those of you reading my journals (which should hopefully be myself or Celestia, otherwise go fuck yourself), you should understand that I’ve always preferred leaves to drinks, and that was mostly because I’ve never seen anyone throw a bar stool at someone while lit to high heaven. In fact, I don’t believe I’d ever seen anyone hurt anything other than their wallet or their stomach while under the influence, so I considered it safer for myself than a good drink. I could smoke anytime, but if I was in a bad mood when I drank, everyone in the room and neighboring buildings knew about it one way or the other.

I cut the plant down from its base and carried it home while whistling a tune. Even if the past few days had sucked, the I could at least make sure I could keep something down long enough for it to digest with this. I remembered what I had told Pinkie a few day's ago about momentary respites and gave Lupa instructions to carry off whatever I had later in case I became dependent in any sense of the word. Some people would say that you can’t become addicted to grass, but I knew better than most that you could get addicted to just about anything if you weren’t careful. Hell, just look at Americans and their various kinds of Coke. Actually, look at my countrymen and Ribena. Shit seems innocent enough until you’re chugging it by the liter on a daily basis.

All bullshit aside, I hung the plant upside down in my shed and hoped that it would be dry enough come morning when I realized something; I had a unicorn who liked to ‘experiment’ and probably wouldn’t mind helping me if I left enough details out. I rethought my actions before I left the house, deciding that I would be upfront about why I wanted it. If she asked. Otherwise, I was going to conduct an experiment on what happened when you burned it then inhaled the smoke.

Science, bitch.

I trekked across Ponyville (again) and found myself in front of the Treebrary. I didn’t think I would ever come back after Twilight had nearly gotten me wiped off the face of the planet by Celestia, but here we were. Lupa went to open the door since she was ahead of me when we arrived, but I told her to wait and knocked thrice. A little purple friend of mine greeted me at the door.

“Hey Spike, what’s up?”

“Not much. Got some chores to do, Twilight keeps giving me homework. You know, the usual. What’s wrong with your voice?”

“Twilight put a curse on me.” I wiggled my fingers at him. “Speaking of the evil homework giver, is she in?”

“She hides in her lair on the second story of her great Athenaeum!”

“I’m usually the one who breaks out the big words. Not bad at all, little man. What’s it mean?”

“Library, duh.” Spike held up some air quotes and mocked Twilight. “Use context clues.”

I couldn’t help but lift the corner of my mouth at his impression. It was pretty accurate.

“Mind if I head on up? I’ve got an experiment I need her help with.”

“Don’t let me stop you. Nerd.” Spike went back to whatever he was doing.

I walked up the stairs to Twilight’s room and heard the faintest sounds of something that a more genteel fellow would never write down. I’m a dirty pervert most of the time, so I listened in on Twilight’s moaning and the stifled noise that sounded oddly like the stirring of macaroni and cheese. If I felt less shitty, I probably would have walked in with some banter, but fortunately for her, I held my silence and backed away from the door. Once I was sure the sounds had ceased, I knocked on her door and counted the seconds.

It took her thirteen seconds to get to the door and another three to open it. She stuck her head out and looked around until she found me.

“Oh! Hi Max. Can I help you with something?” She did not look like she wanted to help me with something.

“Sorry, thought you were done. Just wanted a hand with an experiment I’d like to conduct.”

Her interest was piqued. “Experiment? What are you testing?” She opened the door a bit further. I could see she wasn’t wearing knickers and her blouse was open, revealing a black brazier.

“The effects of a plant on Pony biology, and if you help, human biology too.”

“Yeah, I’ll help! Just let me ah,” Twilight had opened the door the rest of the way as she spoke before she realized she was half naked. She closed it with a slam and I could hear a steady stream of ‘ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh’ through it. I leaned against the opposite wall and waited. Four or so minutes later, Twilight peeked out the door again.

“...Can you pretend you didn’t see that?”

“Pretend I didn’t see what? You had the door closed the entire time as far as I’m concerned. Quite rude to talk to someone through a door by the way.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief and came out wearing a grey knee length skirt and a black blazer. She had put her hair up into a bun and donned little half circle glasses that I was quite sure she didn’t actually need, but she pulled off the business woman attire rather well.

“I apologize for that.” She paused and silence took over. She bid Spike farewell and told him to go to bed at a decent time and we travelled on in silence with Lupa sticking close to me.

We had walked for sometime without saying anything when I finally broke the awkward silence.

“Are you wondering how I knew?”

“W-What?” She blushed. It was a common color on her around me.

“I asked if you were wondering how I knew.”

“I heard you. Yes, I was wondering, but I didn’t want to ask. How did you know what I was thinking about?”

“Your body language. The way you acted when you answered the door. When I said I didn’t mean to interrupt, you looked like a deer in headlights.”

“I don’t know what that means but I think I get the point… You didn’t hear me, did you?”

“I did, but even if I hadn’t, I would’ve known from the sound of your hand slipping on the doorknob.” I chuckled.

Twilight hugged herself and muttered a Pony curse. “Why do you always have to embarrass me?” She murmured.

“I try not to, I’m just not used to passing up easy targets. Just tell me if you think I’m taking my teasing to far and I’ll stop or lighten up, either one.”

“Thank you, I’ll try that instead of just getting mad at you since I know you’re not doing it to be mean.”

“Thank you for understanding. Did I ever apologize for torturing you at my place a few days ago?” I asked.

“I think so. Do you mean the same day you lied to me about sleeping with Fluttershy?” Twilight accused.

“Oi, I just dodged your question. I didn’t actually lie to you while you were there.”

“You may as well have! I don’t know how many different angles I should be watching what you say from at any given time! It’s hard to pick out what exactly you mean.”

“I’ll try to be more straight forward, then. I figured since you’re more of a thinker, it would give you something to do, but if you’re not up to the challenge…” I waited to see if she would take the bait.

“I’ll admit, it’s fun to a point. It’s ;ess fun when you’re so cryptic it doesn’t make sense!”

“You figured out my hint when we and the girls got together. Congrats, by the way.”

“What you did was mean, even if nopony else saw that.” She admonished

“I wanted to see if Fluttershy would speak up, or if she would lie. Basically, how she handled that decided how I would handle the talk I knew we were going to have later.”

“Oh? How’d your talk go?”

“Poorly in the short term, though it’ll be better in the long run for both of us. Fluttershy can’t handle me at my dickest without getting upset or crying anyways and I tend to be a dick.”

“You know, I talked to her about you. She said you let her down as gently as a pony like you could.”

“...That’s actually kind of hurtful. I’ll admit I could have handled it better, but I was under extreme emotional duress at the time and had just finished talking to Pinkie in my defense.”

“You talked to Pinkie too? What did she want?”

“Nothing I was willing to give.”

We continued chatting for the short clip back to my house, and I told her about commissioning Rarity to make me some nicer outfits. Twilight isn’t much of a fashion kinda girl so she didn’t really care, though she pretended to be interested, which was nice of her.

I showed Twilight to my shed and shoved her inside leaning against the door to stop her from getting out. It worked for a few minutes until she teleported out.

“That was mean!”

“Teleporting is cheating.” I sighed.

“Do you do this to everypony?” She rubbed her face.

“Only the cute ones.” I deadpanned. She blushed and looked at me.

“If you hadn’t said that in the second flattest voice I’ve ever heard, I might believe it.”

“My voice has been dead since after I talked to you girls. I’m wondering how you didn’t notice sooner.”

“I think your accent makes it harder to notice.” She was about to say something else when she stopped. “Hey! Don’t distract me, I’m mad at you!”

“I thought you were just going to tell me to lay off instead of getting mad?”

“Oooh!” She huffed. “You’ve got to be the most aggravating stallion I’ve ever met, and I’ve met Prince Blueblood!”

“I don’t know him, but he sounds like a proper twat anyway. With a name like Blueblood, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

“You can’t change the subject on me this time!”

“If I can’t change the subject, what about the dependant variable?”

She gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would. But, you could dissuade me by,” I opened my shed and exposed my subject, “drying this out so we can use it for the experiment.”

“Anything to stop you from fudging results!” She actually shivered. Her horn lit up and the green tree began putting of heat waves and turned a darker green.

I plucked a large bud from it and smiled at Twilight.

“Alright, we’ve got a specimen. Now to find a way to utilize it. I don’t suppose you know where we could get a pipe of any kind, do you?”

“I think I have a corncob one my dad gave me along with an old fashioned deerstalker.” Twilight tilted her head. “What would we need a pipe for?”

“The experiment is testing the effects of inhaling the smoke earned from combusting this,” I held up the sticky bud I had picked, “through some manner of device. If you don’t want to use your pipe, I’m sure we could use an apple, though I doubt it would work as well.” It usually went pretty poorly in my experience.

“Well,” She said, teleporting her pipe into her hand, “there’s no point to having something you don’t use, though I didn’t even know what it was for until now.”

She handed it to me and I blew the dust both out and off of it. “If you like the effects, then you have something to use in the future. Let’s take this inside.”

Since the bud I had picked was rather on the large side and the bowl on the pipe was also large, I just chopped the herb like any other and filled the apparatus. I grabbed some paper from the desk in my room and we sat at my kitchen table.

“Do you want to go first, or should I since it’s my experiment? I’m pretty sure you’re better at chronicling information that I am.”

“I don’t even know if that stuff is safe for consumption. That looks an awful lot like something poisonous, Max.”

“It probably is safe. I don’t doubt that you can eat it, I want to examine the effects of smoking it.”

“...Maybe you should go first?”

“My pleasure. Can you light it for me when I give you the thumbs up? A little flame will do, now. I want to keep my eyebrows.” She rolled her eyes and I broght the pipe to my mouth and gave her the thumbs up. I drew heavily, but I never expected it to hurt so much!

Maybe I was out of practice, or maybe it was stronger than what I’d had back in England. Either way, I held it like a champ before exhaling. I noticed the effect almost immediately.

Twilight’s nose wrinkled. “It’s an awfully strong smell, though it’s not that bad I guess.”

“Twilight, take note; Vision is clearer, if a little unfocused. I feel somewhat lightheaded and thinking takes a bit more effort, but it’s not too severe.” I stood up and walked around.

“Motor function seems slightly impaired, and-” It hit me hard all at once.

“Dude.”

“Yes Max? Are you okay?”

“I’m good.” A smile worked its way onto my face and I giggled at Twilight’s outfit, thinking it was funny yet suitable at the same time. I drew the comparison of the guttersnipe stoner against the respectable business woman and started giggling harder.

“Are, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Side effects include giddiness,” I tried to control my chuckles, “impaired vision, and one hell of an appetite in a little bit.”

“Wait, are you saying you already know the effects?” Twilight seemed unhappy.

“We got something similar where I come from. I was wondering if it did the same thing.” I smiled at her. “It dooo.”

“Well, your voice seems to have returned to normal for the most part. I’ll add slight slurring to the list.” She jotted it down.

“Lord, once I sober up a bit, we need to find a pony test subject.”

“Do you think you could take notes as you are now?”

“Yeah, just give me a moment to get my fins.”

“...Why would you have fins?”

“They’re sea legs, Twilight!” I broke into another round of giggles.

“Riiight.” She nodded and jotted something else down before she the picked up the pipe and mimicked me. She coughed and spluttered when it hit her lungs.

“How did you inhale that? It hurts!”

“Because I know how to handle it and I’ve been doing it for years. Take a smaller breath when you inhale, don’t try to get all your air from the pipe.”

“Okay. I think I get that.” She exhaled and took a small breath before she hit it again, this time going much gentler. She still coughed, but not as bad as last time.

I sat back down and grabbed a pencil. “So what’s it like, Twi?”

“I see what you-” She stopped cold. “Oh dear Celestia.”

“So it hits ponies faster. Noted.” I jotted it down, struggling to make my handwriting legible.

“How? What? I…” Twilight seemed to get lost in another thought every few seconds.

“Twilight, you gotta focus through it.” She shook her head and looked at me, her eyes bright red.

“Dude.”

“Dude.”

“We have to do this again.” Twilight grinned.

“We might do, don’t want to abuse it now.” I tried to keep a straight face but we both broke out giggling.

Over the course of the hour, we got through half of what I had chopped up and made more sandwiches than I could count. Lupa had gone to bed after thirty straight minutes of affection from Twilight and I, and our antics didn’t stop there. After loading up one last time, I shared crucial information with Twilight.

“You know, Pony girl.”

“What hoomun?”

“You know that thing you were doing at your house when I came over?”

“Masturbating?”

“Yeah, that. That feels even better when you’re stoned.”

“I’m totally gonna go try that when I get home!”

“Do it, dude! It’ll change your life forever!”

“Can I take some home with me?”

“Go for it, just don’t put it in there!” I broke out giggling for the umpteenth time.

Twilight followed suit. “I’m gonna do it, just so you have to get it out for me!”

“That’s so weird!” We both guffawed.

I walked Twilight home shortly after and sobered up quickly on the walk back in the cool summer night breeze until I realized that I had to see Onyx Lock for that drink. I was still feeling some of the effects, so I wasn’t planning on going much further than a pint or two.

I caught Onyx Lock on his way out of the Lock Pad and we headed to the local bar. Trading stories of our lives, criticizing his new help, and downing a few mugs of something disgustingly cold ate up a few hours. I liked Onyx because he reminded me of my father in a sense. They looked nothing alike, but my father had a ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’ policy that applied to Onyx Lock very well. I did most of the talking, granted, but it was nice to spend time with another male that was old enough to talk about women in depth. Spike was too young, and most of the men in Ponyville were either taken or friends with Big Macintosh, who had made it a point to relieve me of as many male friends as possible. I didn’t regret threatening the fuck’s life since he had done so in turn, but I did want to deck him a good one once Onyx told me about how much he had sullied my name. It made me think of the fact I now had a potent gossip who was probably willing to grant me a small boon by dissuading the mares of Ponyville against soliciting me for sex, and could probably charm most of the stallions into doubting Mac’s words. I hated stooping to play his game, if he even was playing, just to get some peace and quiet but it would be worth it if Rarity could put an end to those curious looks I’d been getting.

Onyx and I parted ways around midnight and I was glad that I had gotten a few things on my list ticked off. I wondered briefly about the consequences of introducing Twilight to weed, wondering if it was addictive to ponies and resolved to see if she was still high tomorrow morning. If she was, I would go ahead and get rid of what I had left. It’s not like I wanted to corrupt her or any of the ponies further than my very presence already had, and I really didn’t want to have Twilight go full pot professor on me like a few people I had known. It was an amusing transformation, but Celestia might kill me for getting her student lit in the first place, experiment or not. I played with the notion of giving Celestia some laced brownies on my way home, and I knew just how to get them to her. That is, if she would even fall for the bait.

I picked up a few dark beers on my way back home from a general store that had been open late and let them warm up so they would actually be palatable, setting myself up for an all nighter. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure on how to refine it like I used to, but I had the steps memorized and was confident I could pick up what I had forgotten by going through the motions. I won’t detail the steps here, and even though I did make a copy for later use, I hid it well to protect the dirty, sticky secrets that Ponies really don’t need to know about.

Once I had my budder ready for baking, I had no idea where to go from there. I was going to need brownie mix and a fair bit of it, or I was going to be making some incredibly strong baked goods. If the effects from earlier were anything to go by, these were going to be dank either way, but I didn’t want anyone to get too high too fast, though I did wonder if I could get Luna to try some. I knew Celestia had a thing for exotic chocolates, so I could possibly melt the budder into some chocolate and bake it into a cake. Luna was going to be trickier; I knew she had a thing for cookies, which didn’t mask the flavor as well, but I could use chocolate chips to take some of the edge off. My plan was slowly coming together, but I knew that I would have to wait until tomorrow to get anything done.

After I had spent the night cleaning, updating my journal, and processing the rest of my herbs and spices by finely chopping before freezing them, I cooked the last of my groceries into a paltry breakfast for Lupa. I didn’t have much of an appetite after the weed had worn off, but I knew I still needed to eat, so I figured I would spend the morning in Sugarcube Corner to see if I could get some brownie supplies and grocery shopping. Again. I wasn’t totally opposed to shopping, but it was a tedious task that would impede the progress of my prank, so I decided to save that for last. Lupa and I strolled on over to Sugarcube Corner and I cleared my mind with the cool morning air. I tried not to think about my current sleeping habits, or rather, the lack thereof and what that meant for my mental health. I hadn’t realized just how bad losing Velvet had hurt, which made me wonder if losing Celestia would be just as bad.

I rethought my prank.

Oh well, I had plenty of supplies to use, so I may as well prank someone. The question now was who would it be? I thought it was going to be more of a friendly prank, so I knew Rainbow Dash had to be on the list. Twilight, for certain, since she had already experienced the effects and would know what I had done. Rarity wouldn’t take too kindly to it, but I figured that if I was going to prank Applejack, I may as well get her foil in on the fun. I didn’t want to deal with Pinkie, although I was going directly to her place of work to get the prank rolling. Fluttershy and Pinkie were definitely off limits; nothing good would come of messing with them, and though I knew Rainbow would try and get me back, at least I knew what she came up with would make sense according to the laws of nature. At least, the laws in Ponyland. I slapped myself when I saw that I was thinking again, which reaped a few odd looks. I waved and half-smiled at my onlookers and entered the gingerbread house shaped bakery.

Of course, the two girls I wanted to deal with the least were standing at the counter when I walked in, and if Lupa hadn’t been directly behind me, I was very confident that I would have made it out unseen. My luck was bone dry when Lupa’s tail thudded into the back of my knee as I stepped back which led to a rather painful fall into the door. The majority of the eyes in the shop were on me as I swore at my rotten luck and aching head. Pinkie and Fluttershy were staring at me like they had just been discussing yours truly when I’d walked in. Massaging the back of my head and cursing whatever dickwad higher power lorded over circumstance, I walked over.

“Mornin’ ladies. How’s it going?”

Fluttershy offered me a sad smile and Pinkie glared. “What do you want?” Pinkie spat.

“Brownie mix if you have it.” I answered casually.

“I’ll tell you where you can shove your brownie mix, Mister!”

Fluttershy cringed. “Pinkie! I-I asked you not to do this…”

“You should have asked me to do this! Mister Meanie Pants here hurt you!”

I spoke up. “I do apologize for that, Fluttershy. I just don’t believe you would ever really be happy with me and vice versa.”

“That’s not for you to decide!” Pinkie exclaimed. We were attracting a lot of attention. Mr. and Mrs. Cake both seemed apprehensive, conversing in whispers a good distance away.

Flutters came to my defense “T-That’s not true! Nopony should have to be forced into something!”

“And no one should be forced to suffer because they want to help someone.” I added.

Pinkie threw her hands up and walked away. “It’s like talking to a wall!”

“Irony is beautiful.” I drily commented, watching Pinkie walk away. I turned to Fluttershy. “I know it’s a bit soon, but how are you?”

“I’m… O-Okay, all things considered…”

That eased my conscience slightly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It feels like I say that a lot.”

“You’re just different, Max. I understand that, now.” Fluttershy’s smile was genuine. “You’re not cruel, just dumb sometimes.”

“I’d object to that if-” A bag of brownie mix hit me square in the back of the head, coating Fluttershy and I in a fine powder. I turned around and saw Pinkie smirking with her arms crossed. Fluttershy wiped the brownie mix from her eyes and peered around me. Lupa hopped on the counter and barked.

Pinkie stopped smirking. “Oh Fluttershy! I-I sorry! I didn't mean to-”

“Pinkie Pie, arguing is one thing, but we can’t let you waste supplies in the shop!” Mr. Cake derided her. Pinkie shrank and averted her gaze.

I didn’t care. “Hey, Mr. Cake, I love your guy’s brownies. Can I buy some of your mix from you?”

“One sec, sweetie.” Mrs. Cake answered. “What has gotten into you, Pinkie!?”

“Well he hurt my friend!” Pinkie retorted.

I tasted the brownie mix and looked at Fluttershy who looked ready to cry. I licked her face and left a long clean streak, giving her a Braveheart-esque appearance. Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and cocked her head, her tears left unfallen.

“...He also just licked your friend; are you going to throw some flour at him too?” Mr. Cake asked.

“N-No…” Pinkie looked down.

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be to hard on her, she was just being herself. I asked for some brownie mix anyway.”

The Cakes stared at me and Fluttershy was still looking at me like I had licked her face.

“What? Gotta be nice sometimes, helps with getting you Ponies to think I’m not a lost cause.”

“Well, if you’re willing to forgive her, I suppose we could do the same.” Mr. Cake cut Pinkie a glare. “Stop wasting supplies!” He and his wife went back to what they were doing.

Fluttershy and I were still quite brown, and Pinkie avoided looking at me. “Since I just helped you out, would you mind getting me that mix?”

Pinkie’s hair was completely flat as she trod off.

“...Why did you lick me?” Fluttershy asked.

“To cheer you up. Wanna prank our friends?”

“Is Pinkie one of them?”

“She can be added to the list upon request.”

She smirked. “Then I’d be delighted.”

Pinkie returned with my brownie mix and I paid her while Fluttershy was half-assing some comfort. I told Flutters to meet me at my place around one or so, and I went along with my shopping trip. Of course I earned a lot of odd looks for being covered in delicious pre-brownie, but I hadn’t really thought about giving a fuck so I ignored the haters and grabbed the essentials, some more sugar and a chew toy for Lupa which I ended up trading for a massive bone of unknown origin. It was fake since the ponies didn’t take kindly to killing animals for their tasty, tasty resources, but it made Lupa happy despite not being the real deal. She carried the bone and used it to balance two bags of groceries while I carried the rest of our hulking load back home.

I needed a fucking shower, so I did that real quick and found out that having crap in your hair is really annoying. After that, I waited for Fluttershy to arrive before I started on the secret recipe, though she didn’t know what to make of my budder. I assured her that it was safe as I dumped a copious amount of it into the batter and stirred it in thoroughly. Celestia had been nice enough to give me cookware so I didn’t need to head out and buy another bake pan, though I did make a smaller batch that had an even higher concentration that I planned on giving to Celestia and Luna, despite the cold feet I had gotten earlier. It was going to be a fun time if I could get them to try them. Fluttershy had to give me a few tips on baking so I wouldn’t ruin the batch, effectively saving the prank. I had been paying close attention to her throughout her visit and she seemed to be more at ease around me than she had been in the past. Her stutter was gone after the first few minutes, and she brushed her hair out of her face more often than she hid behind it. I cracked a few of my tamer jokes and Fluttershy’s laugh forced a genuine smile on my face. I received one from Fluttershy in return and the awkwardness I had felt melted away, almost making me regret turning her down before getting to see this side of her. I wondered if our current situation was purely a result from our earlier arguments being forgotten as we gave actually being friends a try. It was a nice feeling that I had never gotten from Fluttershy before. I would have to get her and Rarity together sometime to do something, if things continued along this path.

Our goods were well baked an hour and a half after we’d started. I’d saved licking the spatula for Fluttershy, but didn’t warn her about the effects it would have. She saw through my ruse and gave me a womanly look when I suggested that she have the honor. I shrugged and took it for myself, not wanting to waste good brownie batter. It wasn’t too bad and didn’t taste like straight weed, though it was somewhat noticeable. We let or brownies cool, portioned them out, and transported them to Fluttershy’s to give them a good home on a dessert dish. It was time to enact our master plan! Fluttershy went off to get Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack, while I went off to find Twilight and Rarity. My living room had hosted everyone once before, so we agreed to meet up there and wait for each other before we broke out the stash.

I sent Twilight over to my place since she didn’t have anything better to do. I was glad to see that she hadn’t used all of the weed she’d brought home with her, which put some of my worry to rest. It seemed to affect ponies like it did humans, so I assumed the prank would go well as long as Fluttershy and I managed to keep them contained to one area.

I visited Rarity who was working on something or other when I stopped by. After a bit of cajoling and subtle flattery, I got her to follow me on our way over, though she wouldn’t quit questioning my motives about inviting all of our friends over for snacks. I retorted that I just ‘needed my friends’ and might as well feed them while they’re around and she was justifiably skeptical. Her doubt, however, abated once I told her that I had Fluttershy help me set it up.

Fluttershy was going to be a powerful ally.

We arrived last of our friends, though Rarity reasoned it away as being fashionably late.

“So what did ya call us over here for, Max?” Applejack asked.

“Just wanted to see my friends without having the mood be morbid as hell. Figured now was a pretty good time since Fluttershy and I made some brownies.” Fluttershy scurried off to the kitchen and brought them out, placing them on the middle of the coffee table. She flashed me a nervous smile, but the feeling I’d had from earlier was long gone, replaced by that aching void again. I gave her a convincing grin, and let my face relax back to what had become my new normal; flat and placid. Seemingly satisfied, Fluttershy helped herself to one of the cookies I had laid out earlier instead of going for a brownie. I wanted to sell the ruse, so I took one and chewed it carefully, giving it a nod.

I cast a quick glance around the room. “They’ve got a funny taste to them, but they’re not bad. Probably should have got some icing.”

“Well now, I’ve got to see just what comes of a stallion’s baking!” Rarity grabbed one and chewed carefully. “I rather like it, though it does remind me a bit of that Ponitalian spice. It’s not too distracting, but if you know it’s there it’s easy to pick out.”

Rainbow grabbed one and ate it whole. I knew from some experience that she had fucked all the way up. The rest of the ladies followed Rarity’s example and took smaller bites, save for Pinkie. She looked me dead in the eye as she took the tiniest of nibbles, her hair still completely straight from getting reamed by her bosses a couple hours ago. I took another bite of my brownie without breaking eye contact and made sure she could see me swallow, though that didn’t incentivize her to eat the rest of hers. Pinkie set it down on a napkin.

“You can’t bake very well.” She said icily.

The girls all looked over to her wide eyed. “I know that. If it was up to me, we would just be eating cookies and drinking tea. Fluttershy’s the only reason these things are edible.” I replied calmly.

It wasn’t that I was becoming more even tempered, it was just very hard to care. Of course Pinkie was trying to piss me off, and I saw straight through her attempts, not seeing them to be worth wasting the efforts of stirring my metaphorical coals. It helped that as I presented more apathy towards her jabs, the more she seemed to get frustrated.

“Pinkie, that was uncalled for. Max and Fluttershy went through the trouble of making something interesting for us, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it." Twilight scolded. Rarity and Rainbow nodded in agreement.

“Twilight, I threw a bag of brownie mix at his head earlier today, and now he’s inviting me to his house for snacks. Something isn’t right.”

“I invited most of my Ponyville friends over, it would be a bigger dick move to not invite you. All you did was necessitate a shower.”

“Three weeks ago, you would have yelled and shouted at me, but now you’re suddenly Mr. Forgiveness? You’re still Mr. Meanie Pants in my book! I don’t know what your angle is, but I’m onto you!”

Fluttershy came to my defense. “I-I helped him make the brownies myself, Pinkie! The only extra thing we added was oregano, and that’s because he wanted to try something!”

“I figured if you ponies eat plants and flowers, they must taste different to you. I wondered if it was the same for herbs and spices.”

Pinkie took a bigger bite of her brownie and chewed. “It tastes funny.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure you'd taste funny too with all the jokes you make.”

The girls giggled and the tension eased slightly. Everyone except Pinkie and Fluttershy were on their second brownie, and I could feel the effects of the mine settling in. It felt like an indica high, so I wouldn’t have to worry about them going anywhere.

Rainbow was the first to feel the effects. “Hey, what did you say was in these brownies?” She rubbed her slightly ruddy eyes. It was only the beginning.

“Oh, you know, just an extra herb I thought you might enjoy.” My face creased into a devious grin and Rainbow gulped along with Twilight.

“Max, you didn’t put that plant from last night in these, did you?” Twilight asked. My grin grew.

“No, I didn’t put any weed them. If I did, you’d have leaves in your mouth, yeah?”

“I don’t know what that is, but I do feel somethin’ awfully funny. You didn’t slip us no Poison Joke, did ya?” Applejack seemed worried.

“Nothing of the sort! Just a little something I found in the Whitetail Woods that I thought you might enjoy.

“I don’t know what you girls are talking about, I feel perfectly fine.” Rarity stated. I chalked it up to Rainbow and Applejack having ridiculous metabolisms from the constant exercise they got.

“Welcome to the Mary Jane express. Please remain seated for the duration of your ride, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, and feel free to help yourselves to another snack.” I finished the brownie I had started and just sat back in my chair, sipping my tea.

Fluttershy beamed. “Congratulations girls! You’ve just been pranked!” Everyone (stroke me) just stared at Fluttershy as she giggled.

“Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked. “You’ve never pulled a prank in your life! How could you do one with Max but not me!?” She slurred.

The yellow mare shrugged. “You never asked me to bake. I like baking.”

I chuckled and facepalmed: Would Fluttershy have helped me even if it didn’t involve something she liked to do? I considered asking her, but left it as a mystery.

“But I saw Max eat a brownie too! Why would ya go and prank yourself?” Applejack asked in disbelief. It seemed to not affect her speech or mobility, but her eyes were pink.

“If Fluttershy and I both didn’t eat them, how would we sell the prank? At least one of us had to take one for the team, and I happen to enjoy the effects.” I pretended to think as Applejack and Rainbow began to hyperventilate. “You girls know that I wouldn’t poison you, right? It’s harmless as long as you stay calm, so stop freaking out.”

Twilight was confused. “If you didn’t put any ‘weed’ in these, then why do I feel the same as last night?” She rubbed her face and patted it a few times.

“Well I didn’t put the plant itself in there, I just made some extract of the fun stuff inside.” I explained.

Rainbow and Applejack were both slouched in their seats, though Applejack just seemed more worried than stoned. They had eaten three apiece and Rainbow was probably stuck to high hell. Rarity just looked on in confusion, just about fine, while Pinkie was glaring red-eyed daggers at me.

“This isn’t a very funny prank.”

“If you think so, then watch this. Hey, Rainbow.” She struggled to look at me as I walked over. I stopped at Rainbow Dash’s hooves and took her shoes off as she meekly kicked at me.

“Hey!” She garbled. “Stop it!” I looked up at her as I grabbed her leg and started tickling her. She tried to get away, but she was so discoordinated, she just fell out of the chair and howled with laughter. Even after I stopped, she had the giggles and kept going.

The corner of Pinkie’s mouth was slightly raised, and when I looked at her, her hair seemed a bit more voluminous. I moved onto Applejack, who was trying to walk away, but she stumbled on the coffee table and didn’t manage to get past my kitchen before I caught her tail and dragged her back, the cowboy boots she was wearing offering no resistance on my hardwood floors.

“Lemme go!” She turned around and grabbed for my hands, but I was too nimble and she was too high. I got behind her and grabbed her sides, tickling her as she sank to the floor bellowing laughter as she tried to get away from me. I kept my eyes well above the denim skirt that went to her mid thigh she was wearing and focused on punishing her.

“S-S-Stop it! I-I’m n-not playin’ with you, Max!” She couldn’t keep the smile off of her face as I switched back and forth from her armpits to her sides. I gave her a little extra time than I had given to Rainbow because I felt like it. When I finished, she was blushing furiously and still giggled as she slowly picked herself up.

“You’re the most evil stallion I’ve ever met.” She said through the aftershocks. “If I didn’t know no better, I’d say you were tryin’ to get a peek!” She accused as she tugged her skirt down from where it had ridden up.

“Glad you know better.” I offered her a hand up and when she stood, she wrapped me in a bear hug, pinning my arms to my side as she buried her head in my chest.

I wheezed as she squeezed the air out of my lungs before she put me down. I felt my back pop in a few different places, which made it rather worth the experience. I hadn’t been picked up by a woman before, and I had to say I was a little terrified because of the strength I knew she had.

“I ain’t like Rainbow, I’ll get you back for that!” She grabbed my sides and I lifted my arms. The only place I was ticklish was my inner thighs , and I doubted she wanted to explore below the waist.

I quickly learned that I was wrong when Rarity picked me up with her magic and put me on the floor, allowing Applejack to straddle my legs as she searched my body for a ticklish spot. I held my laughter back and avoided looking under her skirt when it rode up higher than before. I saw Rarity perch her head on her hand as she looked onward with a smug smile on her face. Her horn stopped glowing when Applejack got off me to move to my feet, and I saw my chance to escape, only to be caught by Twilight.

She, and Rarity walked over, forming a little circle with Applejack as I floated in the air. I looked over to Fluttershy to ask for help and saw that she had a brownie in her hand, her eyes glazed over as she chewed. She looked over and gave me a stained smile while Pinkie tried to look innocent next to her. The cotton candy like quality had returned and I was now dealing with a bunch of stoned women who had a pretty good reason to mess with me.

The trio of mares broke their huddle and giggled at me.

“You know, I think I saw Max laugh a little when you got his thighs, Applejack.” Twilight stated. She, Rarity, and Applejack were all wearing devious smiles.

“I do believe you’re right, Twilight. Should we pay him back for making our dear, sweet Applejack suffer so terribly?”

“Hey now, girls, I think you’ve got the wrong idea.” I said quickly

“I’m sure we do.” Applejack grabbed the outside of my thigh and started trying to tickle me. I winced at her lack of control, but didn’t give so much as a peep.

Rarity hmmed. “Try the top, darling, I think that was where you had him.”

She did and I still revealed nothing, giving them a smarmy smirk when Twilight took up position on the other side of me. She reached far too close to my privates to be comfortable and nailed my weak spot, finally getting me to laugh and squirm. Applejack joined in and they worked on destroying any sense of masculinity I had as I wriggled around, trying to get free. It hurt to breathe by the time they were finally finished, and Twilight put me back on the ground gently. Laughing so hard had robbed me of my strength, so I leaned against the wall as I sat and recovered.

“Not so funny when you’re receivin’, is it?” Applejack mocked.

“I can see your knickers from here, love.” She cocked her head and looked at Twilight for an answer, turning to Rarity when she just shrugged. The white mare knew what I was talking about.

Rarity took Applejack’s arm and pulled her back. “Max! How crude!”

“Relax, I didn’t see anything, just getting even.” I said.

Applejack looked confused and Rarity just rolled her eyes.

“Oh yeah, apple print is unoriginal, AJ.” She blushed and grabbed the hem of her skirt.

“You said you weren’t lookin’!”

“I wasn’t, I was guessing.” I grinned and closed my eyes, my lungs had finally stopped aching.

“I don’t know if he’s telling the truth, Applejack.” Twilight said. “I think he has a thing for mare’s under garments.”

“Hey! I’m a man, you can hardly blame me, especially since you were so fond of walking around the Treebrary half dressed.”

Applejack giggled and Rarity was aghast. “You shouldn’t be looking regardless! You need more lessons in respecting mares!”

“Show me some skin and I’ll consider it.” I jested.

“Well I never!” She began.

Applejack ruined my joke. “Stop, Rares, he’s just doin’ it to get under your coat.”

Pinkie bounced over. “I don’t know. With some of the rumors I’ve heard around town, he might just be that kind of guy.” She said in a singsong voice.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of those rumors,” I stood up and looked at Applejack. “Tell Macintosh to quit being such a dick.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” She asked.

“He’s been spreading it around that Max is a whorse who’ll rut anything that moves!” Pinkie beamed. “That’s where I got the idea to get some while the getting was good!”

The girls stared at her and I coughed to get their attention. “Yeah, those rumors aren’t true. If you could speak to him about not doing that, I would appreciate it.” I turned to Rarity. “If you could help me do some damage control, that would be lovely. I know you have your hands in the gossip network around town.”

“I’ll stop him from doin’ that anymore. I knew Big Mac didn’t like ya much, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” Applejack offered.

“And I’ll let the populus know that such rumors are untrue. I am truly sorry, Max.” Rarity reached out and touched my arm.

“It’s fine. Do you know why Mac doesn’t like me? I thought it was because we were at odds.”

“From what he tells me, he thinks you’re just another mareizer on the prowl. I don’t know how true that is, but your business is your business.” She explained.

“It’s not true at all. Hell, I’ve only slept with three woman since I’ve been here and I was in a relationship with two of them.”

Rarity looked at me with some disdain. “...I’m certain we don’t want to hear of your exploits.”

“I’m sure you don’t.” I grinned evilly. “Are you more interested in hearing what Twilight tastes like?”

Applejack covered her mouth and Rarity’s jaw hit the floor. My mouth was silenced by magic as Twilight turned into a pony shaped tomato. She smacked the taste out of my mouth.

“SHUT UP!” She cried. Pinkie looked far too interested for me to actually reveal that information, so I held my tongue after Twilight removed her magic.

I rubbed my cheek. “Wasn’t going to say anything anyway, Twi.” Twat.

She still looked like she was on the verge of tears before Pinkie spoke up.

“If I had to say anything, I would guess it’s grapes!” Twilight looked horrified while I choked on my laughter.

“I do not!”

I said nothing and just hugged Twilight with one arm. “Don’t take it to heart, Twilight. It’s easier if you tell yourself it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! I don’t want anypony knowing that!”

“I’m not a pony. I wasn’t going to say anything about that, Twilight. I was teasing you.”

“Too far! Don’t do that again!”

Rarity was visibly disturbed. “I must concur.”

Applejack shrugged. “If it makes ya feel any better, I’m pretty sure I taste like apple pie.”

I died and laughed as hard as I had during the tickle attack. Applejack chuckled alongside me and Rarity shook her head.

“I bet Rarity tastes like marshmallow!” I stammered through my laughter. The mare in question glared daggers and swords at me.

“Can we please change the subject?”

“If we can move on to testing our theories, let’s do that!” The three mares gave Pinkie a ‘what the fuck’ look.

“How about we sit down and go check on Rainbow? I think we’ve had enough fun for now.” I said.

Rainbow was actually out cold with Fluttershy right next to her on the couch. I had no idea where Lupa had disappeared to, but I was sure that she was fine. Twilight and Rarity were still blushing up a storm as we switched conversation topics, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Rarity and Applejack did taste like marshmallow and apple pie respectively. I would have to figure that out later, if I ever had the chance.

Shit. Maybe I am a slut?

I pushed those thoughts aside and enjoyed the company of the four mares while we waited for our friends to wake up. Apparently Rarity had a few new clients, Applejack was working extra hard to make up for lost time during her depression, and Twilight was reorganizing the Treebrary for the fourth time this month. I had nothing going on in my life, and Pinkie had rambled on about something inane, so I tuned her out as best I could. I had sobered up a fair bit by the time Fluttershy woke up.

Rainbow was still snoozing away, so I pulled out the second half of my prank that I hadn’t told Fluttershy about. I had bought some fur paint during my shopping trip and wrote the word ‘Derp’ on Rainbow’s head. I was admonished for my actions, but since the paint was there and no one wanted to wake her up, there it would stay. I had the foresight to get the easy to wash stuff, and when I began on her hands, I had an audience. I saved the dickbutt for last, starting instead with water lines just above the second knuckles on her middle and ring fingers on both hands. No one got the joke, but I was sure Rainbow would eventually. I had to do the dickbutt on her face carefully so that it wasn’t obvious from the start. I was scolded by Rarity again, though Applejack and Pinkie just giggled. Rarity tried to wipe it off, but didn’t even managed to smudge it. Rainbow woke up during her ministrations and brushed her off, leaving soon after to bear my art to the world. The rest of the girls followed soon after, thanking me and promising revenge for my little prank.

Lupa returned a few hours later with her bone. I had no idea where she’d been, but it’s not like I could very well ask her what was, so I minded my own business for a bit. I wrapped up the remainder of the brownies that I had forgotten about and decided to see if I could send the special, stronger batch to Celestia and Luna via dragon fire. I jotted down a quick note asking her to respond if she got them and sent half of them off, wrapped individually. The whole pan had made about ten of them in there, so I waited for a response before sending the other half, and when I got the response, I was much more eager to send the rest, save for two that I decided to keep for science reasons. Celestia wanted to talk about the secrets I had sent her and I certainly didn’t want to, so I was hoping my brownies would make her forget about them. A man can dream after all.

Applejack showed back up after dusk, much to my surprise. I invited her in and offered her a cup of tea, but she opened the bag she had brought with her and pulled out two large jugs of hard apple cider. I moved my favorite easy chair and a lounge chair to face each other around my coffee table and gestured for Applejack to take a seat.

“Pick one, and I’ll be right back. Glasses or mugs? I don’t really know the protocol for hard cider.”

She picked at her collar and sat down in my easy chair. Dammit.

“Mulled cider is for mugs, hard cider is tricky. Most of my family just drinks from the jug.”

“Glasses it is.” I picked two tumblers and dropped some ice into them. “No offense to your family, but my people tend to pour alcohol in separate containers if possible. We’re nothing if not classy.”

“I guessed that. For all your swearin’, ya still carry yourself with your chin up and talk like Twilight sometimes.” I placed the glasses on the table and pushed them toward Applejack. She poured with a hand that only comes with practice and slid one back to me, not spilling a drop.

I sipped the cider. Not bad. “So what brings you back? You’re not here to drug me and drag me off, are you?”

“Nah, not quite. I’m here to talk to you about Big Macintosh and somethin’ else depending.”

“Fair enough. Let’s talk.”

“I want you to make peace with him.” I raised a brow. “I know, Max. It ain’t gonna be easy, but it’s my brother we’re talking about. I know you can reason with him, especially with that silver tongue of yours. All I’m askin’ is that you settle the score, bury the hatchet.”

“I can’t bury something the guy wants to throw at me. I’m not a miracle worker, Applejack, I can only do so much. I don’t really see why you want me to make peace with him if I never see him.”

Applejack drained her glass and poured herself two more before she spoke again. She slid the jug over to me and I emptied my own.

“I want ya to be able to come over to the farm and not fight my brother every time you do. I’d like for my friend to be able to fetch me himself if there’s somethin’ he needs me for.”

“I can dodge a pony pretty well. I’m not as fast as you guys, but I’m a good bit more dextrous.”

“Which won’t count for Rainbow’s cookies if ya get cornered.”

“It’ll count for Celestia’s crown if I get cornered. I’ve run into Macintosh twice now, which one time too many for my liking. I know his fighting stance, I know his normal posture, and I know his reaction speed. That means I have a good idea of what I’m working with.”

“...Mac ain’t as fast as me, but you didn’t even have time twitch when I threw a punch.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to hit that hard. I thought if I took a little punishment, that you would cool off and we could actually talk.”

“I’m sorry you were wrong.” Applejack emptied her glass once more.

I finished mine and refilled it before pushing the jug back to her. “I’m sorry you’re so strong. Skip arm day sometime, yeah?”

“No can do. The farm keeps a mare awfully busy.”

We held our glasses and sat for a moment.

“The other thing I wanted to talk about,” Applejack began, “is that there ain’t too many stallions available in Ponyville.”

“I’ve noticed. There don’t seem to be many at all.” I wasn’t too fond of where this was going.

“There aren’t. They only make up a fraction of the population, which is why most mares around here either swing both ways or are straight lesbians. I ain’t either of those.”

“Just say whatever’s on your mind, Applejack. You’re not one to beat around the bush.”

“Fine.” She sighed and swirled her drink around. “I want to court you.”

“Takes some titanium ones to even bring that up. I know we wiped the slate, but the memories are still fresh.”

“I know. I didn’t expect ya to say yes, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

“It doesn’t, though it does confuse the hell out of me. Am I seriously your best choice?”

“In a way, yeah you are. It’s just that somethin’ tells me that you’d be good if I wanted a different kinda relationship than the ones I’ve had.”

Interesting. “What kinds have you had that make you want a different one?”

“Traditional ones. Dates that lead to a little more, and stallions that can’t handle me at my best, let alone my worst. I ain’t sayin’ I’m a high maintenance mare; In fact, leave me alone and I’ll be happy. It’s just that…” Applejack paused and sipped her cider.

“Go on.” I rolled my hand forward.

“I don’t know if I should be tellin’ ya this, Max.”

“You’re in my home insinuating that you want to sex my man muffin,” she chuckled and gave me an odd look, “and telling me about your past relationships. I don’t think your sex life is exactly off limits.”

“Fair enough. The stallions I’ve been with can’t keep up. I want to go for hours, but they’re one and done. I’ve heard that guys need a bit of time to recharge, but it feels like the ones I’ve been with don’t want anything after the first round.”

“So why me then? For all you know, I’m just like the rest of them.”

“See, that would be right if I hadn’t talked to Fluttershy about what it was like with ya. She said you gave her more than she could handle and that you finished off the mare you’re with without stoppin’. That’s some stamina right there.”

“...I wasn’t aware that Fluttershy had told anyone about that. At least, not in depth.”

“She’s told most of the girls except Twilight, I think, but that’s because she already knows for the most part.”

“Fluttershy knows better than Twilight by far.”

We sat and sipped. “So what about friends with benefits? We keep emotions out of it.”

“You would either have to meet my lover or I’d have to inform her beforehand. That’s if I even agree to it.”

“What stallion passes up no strings attached fun?”

“The one that almost died.”

Silence. We both drained our glasses after that little mood killer. Instead of pouring another glass, Applejack took a few swigs straight from the bottle and slid it over. I did the same.

“What’s the proof of this stuff? Doesn’t seem to high.”

“It’ll sneak up on ya, trust me. You should be okay if we don’t empty the next one.”

“Good, I like to walk after a drink or two and not falling while doing it makes it easier. Want some water to stave off a hangover? Just in case?” She nodded her assent and I came back with two large mugs full of Adam’s Ale. We had gone through about three quarters of of the first jug, and if we kept going at the rate we were, it would be empty awfully soon.

“Say, how about we take that walk now? I could use a stretch.” Applejack suggested.

“Sounds good to me. Let me get Lupa some dinner real quick.” The wolf had heard her name from my room and poked her head out. I waved her forward and she came over, looking for some affection from me. I patted her head and rubbed her behind the ears the way she liked and she looked over to Applejack and snarled.

“She’s hear as a friend, Lu. Play nice.” She gave me the wolf equivalent of ‘bitch please’ and sautered over to Applejack and stared. I rolled my eyes and started pan frying some fish as Applejack fidgeted in her seat.

A few minutes later, I had some bread and meat on a platter and set it on the coffee table. Before Lupa could eat, I took her massive head in my hand and touched my nose to hers, earning me a lick.

“I meant what I said, Lupa. I’ve settled things with Applejack, so you need to let go. Unless you can see that she is clearly about to hurt me, I want you to chill out. Okay?”

She licked her chops and nodded slowly.

“Thank you.”

“...Did you just talk to your wolf?”

“She isn’t mine and I’m willing to bet you’ve never met a quadruped smarter than Lupa. That’s why she doesn’t like you. She knows you were the one that landed me in the hospital.”

“She was there, I remember. If she’s so loyal now, why didn’t she tear me apart then?”

“She was pretty pissed that I had yelled at Fluttershy. I’ve earned her loyalty since then, so now I can argue with Fluttershy and she won’t eat me.” Lupa nipped my ass and I yelped, swatting her on the side.

“Bad canine!”

“Good dog, Lupa.” Applejack chuckle. Lupa and I both glared at her.

“She’s a wolf, AJ.”

“She ain’t made of wood, though.”

“Not all wolves are literal timber wolves, and in my experience, most have fur. In fact, wolves are the ancestors of dogs, which, in my mind, makes them superior. They’re smarter since they haven’t been purebred, healthier because of the same reason, and they smell better. I haven’t even had to use soap on Lupa!”

“...Riiight. I know not havin’ to wash her is a plus. Winona starts to get that doggy smell to her after a few days and tryin’ to wash a dog doesn’t go well too often.”

“Exactly. We going on our walk or not?”

“Can we leave Lupa behind?”

I looked at her and then at Lupa who was already trotting back to my bedroom.

“Let’s go.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We walked around town for a bit and I took in the brisk night air. Luckily, I had brought a jacket with me, but poor Applejack only had her short sleeve flannel shirt. I thought her fur would make up for the difference, but it clearly didn’t. I, being a gentleman at heart, draped my jacket across her shoulders.

“Ya didn’t have to do that, Max. I ain’t no fragile lily-pickin’ mare.”

“I know, but England is colder than this most of the year. I’m no stranger to a little chilly weather.”

Applejack blushed. “Well thank you. You’re making progress in bein’ a better ‘man’, if this is anything to go by.”

I shrugged as we passed Twilight’s place. “I would’ve done it before I made my mind up anyways. No problem with being nice sometimes, I’m just trying to be nice more often.”

“You’re not doin’ a bad job of it then.”

We walked in companionable silence for half the circuit around Ponyville.

Applejack asked a question. “So you’re really not thinkin’ of goin’ out with Fluttershy?”

“I’ll admit, I gave it some thought earlier, but it’s too late to change my mind. I don’t want to play with Fluttershy’s heart, telling her I don’t want her one moment, then telling her I do the next.”

“You don’t seem like a guy who changes his mind often. What made you want her?”

“She eased up around me when we were baking. No stuttering, no barely audible whispers. Her smile seemed a lot less forced and being around her felt more natural, like that was how it was really supposed to be. I guess I should’ve waited to see that before turning her away.”

“Ever think that it only happened because you turned her down? I know you two have mostly been arguin’, but she told me that you made her see what she really wanted from you. If that didn’t happen, I don’t think she would ever have been so comfortable around you, so don’t feel bad about it. Accept it for what it is, Max. Who knows? Maybe she’ll come after you again with a different frame of mind.”

“The thought crossed my mind and I can hope. How the hell do we go from talking about making peace with your brother, to hooking up, to my and Fluttershy’s relationship?”

“I dunno. I guess I just bring out the honesty in ponies.” She grinned.

I thought about that for a moment. “What makes you say that?”

“Always have, and being the Element of Honesty doesn’t hurt. I guess that’s why I got so mad that you were lyin’. It goes against every fiber of my bein’ to tell a lie.”

“You’ve got some strong morals, I’ll give you that.” We started towards the Whitetail Woods, back in the direction we'd come from.

“You know, if you’re supposed to be the embodiment of honesty, why didn’t you turn yourself over to the authorities? I’m not saying you should have, just asking why.”

“Ya know, I actually tried that. Apparently the cops around Ponyville were under orders from up high not to take me in.”

That answered some questions. There were more questions that I was going to have to talk to Celestia about. I thought it was fishy that Applejack had seen no punishment, but I had already accepted that I was the lowest man on the totem pole when I figured that out. I was going to change that.

“You okay, Max? I know I shoulda been tried for somethin’ or other, but it won’t do ya any good to dwell on it now. You told me that yourself.

“I know, I wasn’t dwelling on it, just thinking of a few questions for a certain someone.”

“Who might that 'someone’ be?”

“Best not to tell you. It could ruin her image for you.”

“Now you’ve got me really curious! I doubt it’ll do me much good to nag at you, though.”

“I thought ‘nag’ was supposed to be a slur?”

“It is, except for when ponies use it to describe themselves

“That’s pretty fucking stupid. Why not just make it a mean thing to say period? If it’s offensive when a nonpony says it, it should be just as offensive regardless. Makes no sense to me.”

“It’s just something that most ponies don’t like. Some of us don’t even say it period, while some of us call each other nags for fun. I don’t really care who says it; it’s just a word.”

“That’s rather wise of you. Take no offense when you don’t have to.”

“Most ponies don’t see things that way. 'Nag' is still something to get your mouth washed out over.”

“So what makes you use such foul language around me?” I lifted a hand to my forehead. “Oh my heavens, I don’t know if I can bear it!” I leaned backwards and Applejack rolled her eyes at my antics.

“If ya hadn’t said things far worse than that, I would cull it a bit. I guess I’m just getting comfy around you. Don’t feel like I have to hold anything back.”

“Feel free to speak your mind around me. Just make sure to learn if you really do taste like apple pie sometime.”

“Well I offered to let you find out but somepony doesn’t want free tail.”

“I don’t think I ever said no, per se, just that it was odd that you’d choose me.”

“It is, but you’re a fella with some discretion. If we ever started anything, I know that you wouldn’t just throw it out there because you felt like it if I asked you not to.”

“Damn straight. People’s business should be their own, though I would ask if we could tell our friends. Problems start when I try to keep things hidden from them.”

“Of course we’d tell ‘em. I just don’t think Rainbow would be happy that you bedded two mares she’s had her eyes on for a couple years now.”

“So Rainbow wants Fluttershy and you? I thought I saw envy when I told you girls that Fluttershy and I had a sleepover.”

“You saw right. Rainbow’s told me in no small words how much she’d give to have a night with Fluttershy. I gotta ask somethin’, though, Max.”

"Shoot."

“What does she taste like? And Twilight too if you don’t think she would mind.”

“I think she would mind quite a bit. I don’t think either of them would appreciate it if I told you.”

Applejack was acting a bit strangely. “I think Twilight would understand my curiosity, at least.”

“She might, but she made it pretty clear she wants me to keep that information to myself. I’d tell you if I thought she wouldn’t cry about it. Literally, not metaphorically.”

“I’m glad you respect her enough to keep quiet then. That, and you just proved what I said about being discreet. You sure I can’t persuade ya to some sort of agreement?”

“No, but like I’d some time to think on it anyway. I don’t want to jump into something that might get me killed without at least thinking about it first.”

Applejack looked hurt. “I thought we were gonna start from scratch?”

“We are. I’m talking about your brother.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia. Trust me, I’ll handle him if I need to. Mac might be stronger than me, but I’m a lot meaner.”

“...I can see that.” We walked on for a bit, through the Whitetail woods. There were a few magic lanterns that lit the way as we walked and I couldn’t help but find it a bit romantic.

As we slowed down and took our time, I began to think about a relationship with Applejack, and found myself not terribly opposed to it. Maybe it was the crushing depression talking, but the only thing I could really feel for the mare at the moment was respect. If what she had felt was anything like what the first day of life without Velvet felt like, I could understand why she was so hungry for my forgiveness. I had wanted Velvet’s in the beginning like nothing else in the world, but I came to the realization that I would never really deserve it. Applejack had come to that conclusion herself, but our trespasses were vastly different, and she'd felt her soul puncture in a different way. I knew now that what she had lived through was painful like precious little else, and she had done it without turning to self harm like I had. Applejack was stronger than I when it came to her morals, and it showed through her actions, like how she had tested my own morals to make sure that I was a respectable fellow. It wasn’t terribly sneaky of her since I had figured it out rather easily, so I couldn’t fault her for it, though I did wonder if her offer would have stood had I failed.

Speaking of her offer, the more I thought about it, the more attractive it seemed. Add in a few conditions about breaking it off should feelings ever come into play, and it would be a perfect match, not unlike what I had with Celestia, just without the romance. I pondered if meaningless sex with Applejack would serve to piss Pinkie off, but I really just didn’t want to sleep with someone who was basically a child. It rather grossed me out, and her timing when she asked was simply terrible. My heart ache was still there, mind you, but it had numbed considerably and instead of actively hurting, it only throbbed when I thought about Velvet. Speaking of whom, I saw a lot of Velvet in Applejack when it came to their demeanor and willingness to help a friend. I almost disregarded Applejack entirely when I thought of that. It hurt. Even their accents were similar, though their personal style choices were very different. Where Velvet had been simple due to her strict life as a guard, Applejack's simplicity was organic and free. Velvet was adventurous in a geographical and sexual sense, while I didn’t doubt that cowgirl was Applejack’s preferred method.

The more I compared them to each other, the more I realized that they were practically two sides of the same coin, tempered by their experiences in life and other personal preferences. It was enough to scare me. My relationship with Velvet was supposed to be no strings attached sex, but it turned into something more, and I feared that it would be the same with Applejack. I smacked my face with both hands and startled Applejack, though when she looked upon my handsome, contemplative expression, she remained silent. I couldn’t expect Applejack to be Velvet, nor would I try to make her into a replacement; it wouldn’t be fair or just to any party involved. If I was to be with Applejack, it would be because of the mare herself, so I started listing pros and cons as I often do.

The pros were that Applejack was fiercely loyal and would take up arms for her friends in a moment. She was honest and a legendarily terrible liar, so I had no need to worry on that front. She was worldwise yet compassionate, not jaded like myself, and she seemed like she could keep herself in check most of the time. The cons were that the woman had almost killed me for yelling at her friends, but that seemed like an occurance that happened years ago now. She was brutally honest sometimes, but I saw no real flaw in that, and she was a rowdy girl like one of my exes in the sack which made me both curious and cautious. The pros seemed to outweigh the cons if you considered that we had bid goodbye to that one event, and I couldn’t think of any real reason not to be with her besides her brother.

I broke out of my reverie. “So if I don’t manage to dissuade Macintosh from killing me, would you still consider the friends with benefits thing?”

“I told you I would handle him anyway, didn't I? You won’t come to no harm from him if he wants to keep his tender bits.”

“In that case, I think we could give it a shot, on the condition that we break things off if we either of us can’t keep feelings out of it.”

“I can accept that.”

“And if either of us just wants to stop.”

“What? No meaningless sex if we don’t both consent?” Applejack rolled her eyes as if it had been obvious. “Well don’t that just take all the fun out of it.”

“I don’t find it that funny. I’ve been stalked and raped before, though they don’t have anything to do with each other. Still regrettable events.”

Applejack stopped dead in her tracks. “That ain’t somethin’ to joke about, Max.”

I gave her a look. “Do I sound like I’m joking?”

“Why wasn’t that a part of what you told me and the girls? That’s a terrifyin’ experience!”

“I know, I lived through it on a few occasions.” My stomach churned as I remembered the Chief’s efforts. “I don’t want to talk about that. Not now, probably not ever.”

“...You know I’ll always listen whenever you wanna talk. I can’t make ya, but I can be there for ya when you do. It can’t be easy carryin’ that on your shoulders.”

“It’s easier when I don’t think about it. I’m just happy I got revenge for one of them. I told you that I got molested when my mother was sick, right?”

“Yeah, when you moved into the drug den.”

“Yup. So the bitch that raped me was some old base head. Held me down and fed me something that wouldn’t let me get it down and she rode to town. Well, when I got older, I turned and found her passed out in some hell house I was casing for a kingpin, so I broke her hands with a mallet. I heard later on that she ended up killing herself because she couldn’t get a fix.” I laughed heartlessly. Telling that story always made me happy in a grim way. I had no mercy for rapists of any kind, hence my hatred of Kobolds. Filthy fucking creatures.

Applejack nodded solemnly. “She deserved it, though I don’t think most ponies deserves to die. Rape ain’t somethin’ I can be patient with.”

“Neither can I, hence the mallet. Her killing herself was just a little plus. I guess some people just can’t handle drying out.”

“That means somethin’ different in Manehatten where Manganese Salt is popular. I’m pretty sure it means the exact opposite of what you just said.”

“I’m sure it does. Let’s change topics before things get any more grim.”

“Sure. What do ya think of my outfit?” Applejack stretched her arms out and spun.

“Didn’t take you for the vain type, but you do look awfully cute, in a sickeningly American way. I rather like it.”

“Thank ya kindly, I ain’t much for vanity, but it was the first thing I could think of. What’s an American?”

“A person from a country that my people once ruled. They’re not too bad unless you meet one of the ones that have never been outside of their own country. Then they think it’s the best thing since color telly.’”

“I don’t know what that is either. Ya keep talkin’ about things from your country that make no sense.”

“Once I get all the girls together, I’ll take some questions. I hate explaining things multiple times; it’s tedious as fuck.”

“I guess I can be patient. Don’t suppose I’m getting any tonight either?”

“Good lord, woman! The females around here want dick worse than men want some tang!”

Applejack spread her hands. “Of course! There’s not much to go around, and what little there is gets cuffed too quick! There might be a lot of open relationships, but not every mare wants to share her prize.”

“I understand that better than any pony. Where I come from, most relationships are monogamous.”

“That’s kinda strange. I’m guessin’ there’s more of each gender to go around?”

“About half of each. It’s not terrible, now that I live in a place where the ratio is skewed. I miss seeing more male faces around, even if I wanted to punch a good number of them.”

“I can’t imagine. Most places it’s one way or the other since mare pheromones can be overpowering if multiple estruses sync up. I’ve seen stallions from out of town turn into little more than animals just from walking by a particularly bad mare.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty mind numbing, though I still don’t understand how Fluttershy’s affected me. I’m not even a pony!”

“Yeah, I don’t get it either, but at least you got some.”

“ ‘Getting some’ cost me a relationship that made me happy. Don’t tell Fluttershy, but I think that may have been the second or third biggest mistake I’ve made while I’ve been here.”

“...That’s rough. I won’t say nothin’ if she doesn’t ask, but you know how I am.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to lie.”

We started walking back to my place at a gentle pace. I didn’t feel the need to say anything, but Applejack had been good company. I owed her a compliment or two.

“If you don’t mind a compliment or two, I’d like to give them to you.”

“As long as they’re not about my chest or rear, I can’t say nothin’.” I looked at both briefly. Her chest was quite nice, though not as large as Fluttershy’s, still at least a C-Cup. I then looked to her generous hips and pleasantly toned posterior and raised my brows.

Applejack was giving me a droll stare. “Oi! If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have looked!” She rolled her eyes. “I was just going to say that you’re good company when you’re not wiping the floor with me. That, and your legs are fucking lovely. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen nicer thighs on a woman in my entire life.”

She blushed adorably. “Thanks, but I’m sure ya have. It’s just the skirt that makes ya say so. And I try to be good company. You’re a pretty pleasant fella to talk to.”

“Trust me, if I had, I wouldn’t have said yours were the nicest. Your legs are so well toned, I’m pretty sure I could bounce a bit off of them and catch it dented! I like muscle in a woman, shows that they aren’t delicate and well toned women don’t usually expect to be pampered.”

“I don’t expect much from nopony, just the same respect and honesty I give to them.” She had ignored my compliment, but I could see from her rosy complexion that it was still on her mind.

“You know, with legs as nice as yours, you should wear skirts more often. Showing off a little wouldn’t hurt, especially with a figure like yours.”

“Flattery won’t get ya far with me, Max, but thank ya again. Mares like me don’t get admired too often.”

“That’s because you don’t show off.” I wrapped an arm around her side and pulled her close. Applejack started to pull away, but she soften as I pulled her chin towards mine and gave her a pleasant little kiss. Her lips were soft enough, but she herself was firm in all the right ways. When I finally let her go, her eyes were still closed and she was leaning in.

“Earth to Applejack; we’re here.” I gestured to my back porch.

“Dear Celestia, if you ever do that again, you better be ready to back it up, buddy.” Her face was flush and she looked ready for action.

“Maybe next time, for now you’re going to have to put up with a bit of teasing.”

“Don’t tell me you’re one of those.”

“Only when it comes to revenge. Teasing is fun platonically, but it’s just cruel when it comes to more intimate matters.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. We still have an awful lot of cider left.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to get me drunk for a little romp in the hay.”

“No, I wouldn’t take advantage of ya unless I had permission beforehoof. It’d be wrong to trust a drunk pony’s judgement.”

“Man, I wish more people from my world thought like we do. It’d save quite a few awkward mornings.”

“You’re tellin’ me. I’ve got a story for ya if you can keep it quiet.” Applejack grinned.

“No one will hear anything from me.”

“That also mean no writin’ it down and levin’ it somewhere.”

I rolled my eyes. “In no way, shape, or form of communication, will I, Maximus, expose any secrets that you, Applejack, trust unto me at any time. Happy now?”

“You sound like a lawyer. Save your fancy talk for Rarity, loverboy.” She stepped closer and whispered in my ear. “Big Mac woke up with one of our cousins after a long night.”

I said nothing because I was too busy trying not to laugh. “The worst part is that it was a stallion.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking with me!”

“Eventually, but not right now. He made me promise to never tell another pony, but last time I checked,” She looked me up and down, “You ain’t a pony.”

I couldn’t hold back and let out a mirthless chuckle that didn’t do the amusement I felt much justice.

We walked the last few meters to my porch and went inside. I grabbed the cider and glasses from the table and Applejack pointed to head back outside. I grabbed a few spare blankets and we settled in on my padded porch swing for a little bit. I couldn't help but be curious, so I asked my question.

“So is that why none of the girls have approached Macintosh? He's a confirmed bachelor?”

“Oh no, nothin' like that. Pinkie tried, but I threatened to throttle her. After that, they left him alone. Come to think of it, he only really talks to me, you, and a couple of the mares he keeps around, now that I think about it.”

“If by talking you mean threatening, then yeah, he talks to me.”

“Be that as it may, I think we’re the only two that can get more than two words out of him at a time. Even the mare he’s sweet on, Ms. Cheerilee, doesn’t get much out of him.”

“I think it’s because I piss him off. You sure he doesn’t hate me because you secretly want to intercourse on me?”

“Ya know, he asked about that and I told him to mind his own darn business. That might be why he’s callin’ you a whorse, now that I think about it.”

“Sounds like we should talk to him together then. When is good for you?”

“Tomorrow, actually. How long are you staying in Ponyville? I don’t remember if you said you were sticking around for good.”

“Tomorrows fine for me to, nothing else to do. I think I’ll stay in Ponyville a bit longer than I originally planned. I don’t think I want to head back to Canterlot quite yet.”

“Oh, so you have a place there?”

“Not yet, but I have enough to buy one if I felt like it.” I swung the swing a little and let my blanket stay draped across my shoulders. Applejack poured us some cider and scooted a bit closer. I didn’t comment on it as we swung gently, though I did open my blanket enough to encompass her and her own.

“Must be nice to have the bits to spare. I know I complain about money a lot, but it’s more like we just don’t have the time to fix anything unless we have family over. I mean, we have one of the largest farms in the family, we just don’t have the pony power to do as much as we need to when it needs to be done.”

“If you or Macintosh take a break to get some things fixed, it means you’re not getting the field work done, and once you get the field work finished for the season, you only have so long to fix it in the fall.”

“Exactly. A few more bits and we wouldn’t have to spend as much on those vultures at the end of the season who slap together whatever they fix. If we could get the right ponies to work the fields, we could do it ourselves or hire somepony else before harvest.”

“What eats up most of your money? I can’t imagine taxes are that high.”

“They’re not, it’s just that most of the stuff you can make with apples goes bad before ya can sell all of it. That, and the animals we got need to be fed, and their pens cleaned.”

“What about jam, jelly and syrup? Preserved apples last longer, and dried apples can be rehydrated later. And why the hell do you keep animals?”

Applejack facepalmed. “I shoulda thought of that! My parents used to have so much time on their hands when they made jams and stuff, but they never passed down the recipe! I’m sure Granny Smith has it somewhere, and from what I remember, it sold pretty well. The dried apples could work too, just leave ‘em in some hot water a while and you can bake with ‘em just the same!”

“And what about your animals? Why do you keep them?”

Applejack looked confused. “Why wouldn’t we? It’s a tradition to keep animals on the farm.”

“...But you don’t eat them, and the only things you can do with them is show them off at fairs and pay to feed them.”

“Why would we eat them?”

I pulled back my lip and showed her my canines, and her eyes widened in shock. “They’re delicious. Ponies may not eat meat, but quite a few other races like Dragons and Gryphons do.”

“I ain’t never seen Spike go after one of my livestock!”

“That’s because he’s been raised to think like a pony. Most dragons eat meat, and save their jewels for special occasions if Twilight’s bestiaries are anything to go by”

“...That’s unsettlin’. I don’t know if I want Applebloom around him anymore.”

“That’s racist as fuck. Like I said, Spike thinks likes a pony. He’s not going to hurt your sister unless she pushes him to do it, and if someone could push Spike of all people to violence, I’d say they deserve the consequences.”

“You callin’ out my sister?” Applejack frowned, gripping her glass tightly.

“I can’t say much about her, Applejack. I don’t think I’ve ever met her.”

Her grip loosened. “I was wonderin’ where you were goin’ with that.”

“Trust me, Applebottom, I don’t make it a habit to pick on kids.”

“What did you just say?” She shook her head. “What about when you called Spike ugly?”

“I said he was ugly for a pony! He doesn’t even have fur!” I poked her leg and jerked it back. “Like suede over steel.” I stage whispered.

“Stop it!” She chuckled. “I wish I was more like Fluttershy or Rarity sometimes.”

“What? Squishy and…” I searched for a polite way to say it. “...Delicate?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m happy with what I got, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t mind bein’ a little softer.”

“You’re squishy in all the right places, love. You can get ‘softer’ in time, but for now, toned and terrific is how you are, and I'm rather fond of that.”

“You know you could probably be quite the charmer if you actually thought about what you said.”

“I’m not trying to be charming. I’m just saying what’s on my mind and finding a way to put it that’s not offensive.”

“How would tellin’ me that I have a nice figure be offensive?”

“Well, I was going to say that you’re in such good shape, I’m scared to go down on you because you could squash my head like a grape. It’d be worth it for some sweet apple pie, but I like my head how it is.”

Applejack laughed. “Glad you didn’t put it that way, or I might start gettin’ a complex about my legs.”

“Believe me, they’re nothing to embarrassed about.” I laid my hand just below her knee and stroked the soft, short fur with my thumb.

The ponies barely classified as being furry, seeing as how it was barely a few millimeters long. The follicles were fine, but dense and they were quite sleek. If it weren’t for their colouration, ears, tails, and hooves, they would pass for humans with ease. I suppose that helped with finding them attractive, especially with attractive mares like Applejack, Fluttershy and Celestia.

She looked down to my hand and drew a little spiral on it, looping back around and down again and again.

“You don’t find them gross?” She whispered.

“Why would I?”

“Some stallions don’t like mares with too much muscle…”

“Those stallions lack self confidence. A woman with muscle is hard working and dedicated, someone who’s been tempered for the worst, but still looks great for the best.”

“You could have said that better, but I think I understand.” She took my hand and started stroking her thigh with it, stopping a few centimeters below her skirt. “I like that better.”

I continued after she let go and scooted a bit closer. There had been a little space between us but now there were only a few precious centimeters.

“I wasn’t expecting your fur to be so soft. It’s pleasant.”

“I wasn’t expecting my legs to be so cold!” We both laughed at that and I draped my blanket over them.

“Max, I know you’ve gotta be cold. You don’t gotta pamper me, I ain’t some fragile flower.”

“Call it the instincts of a half-assed gentleman. If you’re cold, we can go inside.”

“I’m fine now, but if you're cold we can go inside. I won’t think any less of ya.” Right

I rolled my eyes and grabbed her side, causing her to jump hard.

“Hey!”

“Hay is for Ponies.” Applejack reached for the inside of my thigh and missed. Kinda. She blushed when she realized what she held in her hand and drew it back to her chest.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Sure you didn’t.” I laid my hands in my lap and continued to rock us gently.

“...You know, my legs aren’t that cold now. I wouldn’t mind if ya kept doin’ what you were.”

“They’ll be cold in a moment, trust me. The breeze is about to pick up in a minute or two.”

Applejack followed my eyes to the treetops. “You’re right.” She sighed.

I mock sighed and stood. “I’m cold, let’s take this inside.” I grabbed my glass and drained it quickly before offering Applejack my hand.

She took it needlessly and drained her own glass. We took the blankets inside and sat on the couch as closely as we had been outside. I didn’t need another hint to know that she wanted me to continue caressing her. I think she liked it more, but I enjoyed it plenty as it was. Her fur was softer than Lupa’s and she could talk so that was cool.

“I’ve never had a stallion do that and not want to go a little higher before.” She idly commented.

“Good thing I’m not technically a stallion. You might’ve been in trouble otherwise.”

She grabbed my hand once again and held it, drawing a square this time.

“I ain’t complainin’. What’s it like? Not havin’ fur?”

“Well, I’m a lot less friendly to people randomly touching me.” She stopped and looked at me. “Not like this. I can see you while you’re doing that.” Applejack continued. ”I’ve just noticed that ponies are fond of surprise hugs and various other forms of affection that I’m not necessarily comfortable with.”

“Yeah, ponies tend to be on the huggy side. Don’t nopony mean no harm, of course.”

“Of course, I’m just unused to it. Makes my skin crawl when I think about someone trying to surprise me. I don’t think it’s a good idea to spook an armed and paranoid man.”

“I suppose with what you’ve been through it’d be hard not to be jumpy. You always seem calm whenever I see you, though.”

“You learn to choke down any social anxiety after a bit and focus on what you can do, rather than the things you can’t control.” I took my hand from her and decided to try something. My hand went up to her head and I stole her hat from her for a moment, taking one of her ears in my hand. I rubbed it softly, marveling at how fine the fluff was.

Applejack gave me as strange look when I started, but then her eyes closed and she leaned her head against me, sighing her content. I took that as permission to continue with my shenanigans and kept going until I realized that she was asleep. Gently, I extricated myself and laid her down on my couch, fetching our blankets from earlier to lay on her. I figured that she'd want to keep her hat nearby since I rarely saw her without it, so I put it on her chest. As she peacefully snoozed, I began turning off lights before I heard three savage poundings on my door. Applejack started and fell off the couch clutching her Stetson while I drew my dirk and the Warbling Blade.

“What the hay-” Applejack

“Shh!” I held a finger to my lips in the low light.

I paused and waited to see if my rude visitor was going to knock again and crept toward the door. I wondered if I should flip the porch light on to see who it was, but I realized I was overreacting and that it was probably just someone come to yell at me for something or other. I sheathed my dirk but kept the Warbling Blade in hand as I smoothly slid the door open. A big red meathook nearly met my face, but I had been assuming the worst, despite my self assurance. From the look of him, Macintosh was pissed like no other and I had the vaguest feeling he was looking for the woman currently on my floor. I stealthily swapped the knife between my hands and opened the door a bit wider.

“Can I help you, mate?” I asked politely.

“Where is she?” He sharply responded.

I pointed over to Applejack who was still half covered in blankets on the floor. She waved sheepishly and collected herself, throwing the blankets on the couch.

She replaced her Stetson. “So… When did I fall asleep?”

“A few minutes ago. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“Mighty kind of ya.” Applejack tilted her hat in my direction, a little blush on her cheeks.

Macintosh audibly ground his teeth. “You touch her and I’ll break you.”

“You threaten me and I’ll kill you.” I said sincerely.

“Max!” Applejack exclaimed, her eyes wide.

“Shit, never mind. Forget I said that. Pretend I said ‘let’s talk like adults’ or something.”

“I really don’t wanna talk with you.”

“Big Mac! You told me once that if a pony offers you an olive branch in good faith, that I should take it. Practice what you preach.” Applejack scolded.

“I don’t wanna hear nothin’ from you right now! Did you forget what this fool put you through?”

“Did you forget what she put me through? You need to stop being such a victim, mate, it makes you sound like a little pussified wanker.”

“I know you could have said that another way,” Applejack levelled a glare at me, “but he’s kinda right. I hurt him worse than whatever he put me through. Hay, you really can’t even say he put me through anythin’ because it was my actions that caused it!” Macintosh fumed, his massive chest heaving.

“He hit Rainbow, put you through Tartarus, and you want me to forgive him?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, that’s the whole point. Rainbow forgave me for knocking her out, and I forgave our apple flavoured friend here for damn near killing me. At least two of the three parties involved are happier for it. What’s holding you back?”

“I don’t forgive nopony who hurts my family.”

“He didn’t hurt nopony!”

“Yes, he did. He turned ya into some kinda zombie!”

Applejack and I shared a look, both of us shaking our heads. I was mildly annoyed by the red fucker’s thick headedness and ran some ideas through my head about how to handle the situation. I kept coming back to the same conclusions. Either I had to wait this out and talk to him when he was calm, which seemed to never happen while I was around. Or, I could take him out back and fuck his cherry colored arse with a sharp object. I leaned towards the latter, but I knew Applejack would come after me for that, so I opted for a less murderous version.

“You know what? Why don’t we just fight it out after we have some brownies?”

Applejack looked like I had slapped her.

“Skip the brownies and I’m happy.” Macintosh gave me an evil smirk.

“No, no. No, no, no. No” Applejack repeated.

“Applejack is right. We either have a few brownies, or we don’t fight. I’ll never let it be said that I didn’t feed a man before handing his arse off to him on a platter

“Fine. Bring ‘em here so we can get it over with.”

“Will do, partner.” I said in a terrible southern accent. The siblings both glared at me as I walked away.

Normally, I’d never fight that massive bastard, but if I could get him stoned, I’d say that would put us on about equal footing. I was about to retrieve the brownies from the batch I had given the girls earlier, but something struck me once I had them in my hands: I had two of the batch I made for Celestia. Two from the smaller batch that I had added twice as much budder to. This just got easier.

I found the two I had wrapped individually and placed them on a separate plate, keeping the weaker ones for myself. I returned to the living room choking on a smile and handed Big Mac’s plate to him. The poor fellow inhaled both simultaneously, barely even stopping to chew. I had mine at a much more reasonable pace, chewing slowly.

“These brownies are pretty good, right? Do you want a couple, AJ? I should’ve asked before I came back out.” Applejack just stared at me. I winked and gave her a subtle thumbs up. “No problem, must be watching your sugar. I can understand that. Not everyone can live off of junk food like Pinkie, especially with as much as she eats. I really do wonder how that girl gets along with as many cavities as she must have.”

Understanding blinked on to Applejack’s face for a moment. “...I guess Pinkie just has one heck of a sweet tooth. There isn’t much she won’t eat if it has sugar in it.”

“Really now? We’ll have to get with Twilight so we can conduct an experiment some time. I’m sure between your skills, my ingenuity, and her organizational prowess, we could find something edible but sweet that Pinkie won’t eat.”

“Are we gonna fight or what?” Macintosh asked, his voice a little distorted. My guess had been correct; His metabolism was high enough to get the process going. Now I just had to stall a little longer so I wouldn’t have to on the field. That or I could try and talk to him now.

“How about we just have that talk, yeah? We both know you’d go to prison for murder if you landed a solid punch on me, and I’m none too fond of dying.”

Macintosh rubbed his eyes. “No, we said we were gonna fight… Right?”

“That was before you cooled off a bit, big bro.” Applejack said sweetly. She was giving him a heart-wrenchingly adorable look that I doubted many people over the age of eight could pull.

“Y-Yeah. We can talk. Fightin’ never solved nothin’ noways.” Macintosh slurred. The red fellow wobbled over to my recliner and I wondered how long he would be consious.

“Hey, why don’t we talk over a nice glass of hard cider? Your sister brought some over so we could talk, only seems right that we do the same seeing as how it feels like a tradition of sorts for you two.”

Applejack smiled. “It is: Whenever two Apple Family adults gotta talk, we say it over some hard cider.”

“Then let me get some more glasses, I’ll be right back.” I fetched a few tumblers from my glassware cabinet and placed all three in front of Applejack who poured masterfully, not spilling a drop. After doling out the sweet cider, she stole my easy chair again and I took up the lounge chair. We both looked at Macintosh who seemed to be having trouble staying upright.

“So, Mac. Why do you hate me so much? I’ve never done anything to you personally, besides that time with Lupa.”

“Y’know little guy? I don’t really hate ya,” He garbled, “I just don’ like the competition. Used to bein’ the only available stallion in town, and here comes along this one who my sister don’t like. I think you two been doin’ stuff behind the scenes.” He pointed two fingers at myself and Applejack.

“Is that why you’ve been calling me a slut around town?” I asked.

“...Is that why I can’t seem to keep a stallion very long?” Applejack inquired.

“I’m jus’ tryin’ to protect you, sis.”

Applejack’s face set into a scowl. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m a grown mare now, Big Mac. I don’t need ya to look over my shoulder at everything I do anymore! I mean, I work half the farm just like you, help manage business, and even Granny Smith says I’m mature for my age and you know how little she compliments anypony!”

His lower lip trembled and a pair of tears fell from his eyes. “I know all that, Applejack, but you’re my little sister! I don’t want ya to get hurt and I hate seein’ ya unhappy. I don’ wanna be stuck standin’ around while you make the same mistakes I did.”

Applejack rose and pulled the sappy stoned stallion out of his seat for a hug. “I know, big bro. I know it’s hard to watch somepony you love mess up again and again, but we had this same talk about Applebloom and how we were gonna let her make her own mistakes. You gotta let me be my own mare, Mac.”

Macintosh said nothing and just hugged her for a few more minutes. I suppose the display should have been rather sweet, but I'd already had a sneaking suspicion that his hatred of me didn’t have much to do with myself. Elder siblings usually have trouble breaking away from that protective mindset from what I knew, and I think drugging him to high hell just removed the inhibitions he had about doing it. I was feeling meh about the whole ordeal; I still didn’t know whether or his revelation would stick, or how he would take learning that I was probably going to nail his sister like a stubborn piece of hardwood.

“So are we okay now, Macintosh? I don’t want to fight with you for something I didn’t really do yet.” I added the last part in a low murmur.

He stood up somewhat straight and rubbed his eye with his massive mitt. “As long as ya don’t break her heart or hurt her, we’ll be okay. I just don’t want her to be a notch on your belt.”

Applejack looked pretty uncomfortable with that, so I spoke up. “As she said, she’s her own woman who can make her own mistakes. I won’t actively go after her, but if she comes to me, I know we’d both appreciate it if you respect that.”

Macintosh looked like I had just recited the first seventy digits of Pi. “Why would she go and do that? There’s other stallions in town.”

“No, there’s really not. I mean, we’ve been here our entire lives. How many male friends do ya have?” Applejack asked.

Macintosh’s eyes glazed over and he counted on his fingers. He got to seven after five minutes and gave up. “I guess there ain’t that many.”

“And a lot of those stallions you call friends have mares that are really possessive, like Mr. and Mrs. Cake, or Onyx Lock and Blueberry Tart. I can’t exactly ask one of them to help me whenever that time rolls around, but Max here has an open relationship with his fillyfriend, so…”

The cogs in his mind worked slowly until anger etched its way onto his countenance. “I knew y’all were up to somethin’! Why didn’t ya tell me!?”

“Hey now! I approached him, and we still haven’t done nothin’, we’re just laying down some ground rules about it!”

“That’s pretty much it. No inappropriate contact, just some mild flirting and some ‘getting to know you’ type stuff. You should have more faith in your sister, mate, she’s a wise woman.”

Macintosh turned and fell over the recliner as he tried to walk away. He picked himself up and looked back with a blush on his face, stumbling towards the door before Applejack caught his arm.

“I ain’t askin’ for your approval! You should know I was gonna tell you, I just couldn’t because we didn’t do anything!”

“But why him?” Macintosh asked, pouting like a bitch.

“Because he can give me what I want out of a relationship, but without all the nonsense that comes with it. He’s frustratin’ and a bit of a smartass, but he’s also kind and funny. He’s a challenge and I like that.”

“Why can’t ya just wait for the right stallion to come along instead?”

“Maybe I am the right guy for her. Neither of us could know what Applejack wants.” I interjected.

“I don’t know what we’re talkin’ about, but I don’t like your tone.” Macintosh said.

“We already made up, Mac. We’re supposed to be cool.”

“Oh. How did that happen?”

Applejack and I shared a look, but I was foggy on the details myself so I had no room to talk.

“You know what? The gist is that you said you would let me be me. That’s all you gotta worry about.” Applejack sighed.

“Yeah, sounds okay. Just don’t buck the furless thing.” Macintosh reminded her.

“I’m gonna buck the furless thing. Deal with it.” She rubbed her temples and turned to me. “I’m gonna take him home. It was a nice evening, we’ll have to do it again sometime.”

“It was for the most part. Next time, no siblings.”

“Agreed.”

Applejack lead her brother out of my house and I put away the party favors and blankets that been left out before heading to bed myself. I had to get Lupa off of my spot, but it was no surprise that she had been there. Now I just had to worry about what would happen if Macintosh realized that I drugged him before what was supposed to be a ‘fair’ fight, but considering the difference in physiology, it was shitty of him to accept in the first place, so I didn’t feel that bad about it. That night, I counted apples as I tried for my forty winks.

Author's Notes:

Author dude here. This chapter took awhile due to the advent of a new job and thus a 3rd shift schedule. Life sucks sometimes, but writing doesn't.

Please leave a thumb or a comment so I know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Took forever to read/edit through, but I don't hate it. Fixed the usual shit and plugged some plot holes that came up. If you're going for a reread, hot swag.

On a seperate note, reading through things I don't remember writing is fun. It's like seeing it for the first time, though I know it came from my mind. It's cool to see the subtle differences in my current style and formatting from how I used to be.

Chapter Sixteen: Rocky Road

Author's Notes:

So this chapter happened.
If you notice that 'to' and 'too' are in the wrong place, please point a finger at myself and Google Docs. When I accidentally corrected 'too' as 'to', I tried to reverse it, but that didn't work out too well for me.

Leave a thumb or a comment, let me know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: I remember writing this chapter straight from the heart. I cried manly tears during some of it for manly reasons. Fixed some diction and syntax, a few run on sentences, and a couple more plot holes.

Time had flown in Ponyville and I found myself stuck in bed for a few hours just digesting all that had gone on. I had forgiven and basically agreed to shag someone I had once considered my greatest enemy in Equestria, argued with and shagged one of the nicest woman I’d ever met, pissed off more ladies in a shorter time span than I ever had before, obliterated quite a few terrible creatures, been labelled as a slut for sleeping with two women, and nearly fought someone three times my size. I had introduced several ponies to the magical effects of ganja, pissed Lupa off, exposed secrets I had never wanted to tell anyone, and pissed off one of the happiest people I’d ever met. It had been an awfully busy week, even though I had taken time off to do nothing all day twice. I wondered if it was just the way Ponyville seemed to work or if it was just me. Life was sucking quite a bit, but it had also had its upsides. One way or another, I was probably going to get a slice of some sweet apple pie once I sent that note off to Celestia, and I had completely forgotten over the course of a day that I still needed to talk to her about my secrets.

I really didn’t want to do that.

I pushed myself out both out of my bed and my head, switching tactics to getting breakfast on some plates. My appetite had returned after spending so much of the night with Applejack, which I was quite thankful for. I still felt heavy and weary, but I could deal with that as I went along. It made me curious as to who I’d have to spend more time with to thaw that part of my heart out, so I decided to see if that person was going to be Pinkie today. While I was quite sure that she still hated me for breaking Fluttershy’s heart, I was pretty sure she had forgiven me if her off color jokes about ‘tasting’ her friends was anything to go by. I washed up and dressed in a dark blue V-neck, some navy jeans, and the jacket I had let Applejack wear last night. Much to my pleasure, I found that it smelled faintly of apple flavoured baked goods, which I was quite fond of. I had forgotten to add Applejack’s perpetual scent of apples to my list of pros last night, but I already had a few good reasons to agree to her proposition.

Lupa had left sometime early in the morning, so I walked to the best bakery in town all alone with only Me, Myself, and my right hand to keep me company. Wanking is so much less depressing when you think of your hand as a separate entity.

Disturbing, perverted thoughts aside, I had ran through the majority of my stay and chronicled most of my thoughts in my journals, so I really had nothing to keep my mind occupied. I focused on enjoying more of the quaint little town that was Ponyville. As colorful as it was in comparison to my original home, I found myself growing more and more accustomed to the place. It was easier than one might think due to the generally friendly nature of the town, even if none of the inhabitants looked terribly like my fellow species. I did miss my old life in a sense, but my new one was beginning to shape up pretty well, so I could put my bout of homesickness aside in favor of something that could lift my spirits a bit.

As I trekked through town greeting the ponies that greeted me, I found myself quite surprised by the abrupt arrival of a mint green mare with a white stripe in her hair.

“Hello!” She beamed at me and stretched her hand out to me.

I took it and looked at her. “Wotcher. Can I help you?”

“Actually, yes! My name is Lyra, and I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since I saw you at Pinkie’s welcoming party. Unfortunately, we just never had the opportunity since then, but I sure am glad we can talk now!” She seemed like a nice enough girl, even if she was a bit excitable.

“Indeed. Not to be rude, but what did you want to talk about? I’m not trying to rush you, but I’m not one much for polite small talk at the moment.”

Her smile fell a bit. “Oh, I’m sorry. If you’re in a hurry we could hold off.”

“No, no, you have me mistaken. I would be quite happy to talk to you, love, I’m just on my way somewhere. Care to join me at Sugarcube Corner? We could talk over a bite and a cuppa.”

Her smile returned full force. “I‘d be glad to! When would you like to meet?”

“If you have the time, I was heading there now.”

“Perfect!” She took my hand and started tugging me in the opposite direction.

I grabbed her tail and yanked it one good time, causing her to yelp. She let go of me and whipped around with a blush on her face.

“That’s the wrong way, love. Sugarcube Corner is a couple streets that way.” I pointed in the direction I had been heading.

Lyra had the grace to look embarrassed. “Oh, sorry! I guess I just got ahead of myself!” Are you trying to do sex on me or something?

We talked about how my life in Ponyville had been so far and she told me about her favorite hobby. I hadn’t taken her for much of a musician, but once I saw the pads on her fingers, it told me that she had been practicing her craft for years. When I asked, she said that she had been playing string instruments for the better part of her life, ever since she could walk. However, she had found that the harp was where her heart lie and she had continued from there ever since.

We arrived in no time since we hadn’t been terribly far away in the first place, but we continued talking once we were seated. I had ordered some black coffee and a bran muffin (don’t judge me) and she ordered a plate of pancakes along with a nice breakfast tea. As an Englishman, I could respect the tea, but I had never been terribly fond of super sweet breakfasts, preferring scones and bacon to waffles and cereals.

“So what did you want to talk about, love?” I asked once we had gotten our food. The conversation hadn’t lulled terribly before then, but I was rather curious.

“Well, I’ve only heard legends and myths of Humans, and those are rather uncommon. Humans are supposed to be hulking, hairless monkeys that are smart and tougher than any pony could ever be, but with the brains to do nearly anything. Can you tell me how much of that is true?”

“I’m not exactly hulking, but I’d like to think that I’m pretty smart. Most people seem to think so, at least.” She actually ‘squeed’ when I said people. This was going to be an odd one.

“So are you the ‘average’ human? Or are you smaller, taller, smarter, dumber? Tell me about yourself!”

“Well, I’m a bit shorter than most humans at about 5’7 in your measurements. I’m on the small side, but I am far more clever than the majority of my kinsmen, and quite a bit more agile and dextrous. There’s little I can tell you without knowing what you want to know.”

“Well, do a lot of humans look like you? What do you do for fun?”

“Most humans look radically different, and sometimes we come in different colors based on our heritage. I’m considered somewhat pale, but that’s because of my Caucasian heritage. The color spectrum runs from me to dark brown, though it’s generally more of a chocolate kind of deal when you get to the darker folk. There’s a few exceptions such as people who are pale white and people who are nearly black, but we’re all basically the same once you get past that. Our hair colors can be a rather ruddy orange, blonde, brown, or black, though quite a few of the female members of my species like to color their hair. It’s not as common for males to do it, though some do, but when it comes to bodily modifications of most kinds, it’s generally a female thing.”

“So what are the different sexes of your species called? I know you say ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’, so are there more discrepancies like that?”

“The different sexes are called ‘men’ for plural and ‘man’ for singular males. I am a man. The females are called ‘women’ and ‘woman’, and though they sound similar, they don’t mean the same thing. They are respectively plural and singular.” I thought for a moment on her second question. “How about I just list off the differences? Humans have feet instead of hooves, use words like ‘everybody’ and ‘everyone’, have hair instead of fur, and usually aren’t as touchy-feely as ponies.”

“Fascinating! What about your rulers? Are they like our own immortal princesses?”

“Hell no. Our rulers are all mortal, despite what some of them might think. No, in my land, rulers have something called dynasties that determine who takes their place when they die. That, or we have something called either a democracy, republic, or a parliamentary system in which we elect our leaders. Rarely do monarchies last, but the monarchy that ruled my country has lasted far longer than most, but we did eventually switch government types. No longer does one person make all the decisions.”

“But having so many humans in power must be chaotic! I know ponies don’t always agree on everything, but when it comes to politics, I bet things are far more polar.”

“They are. In a sense, nothing ever gets done, but really, what my government did was be sneaky as hell and do all sorts of things that no one knew about. I’m not saying all of it was terrible, but the system of government we had was already corrupt, so there was little anything the common man could do.” I decided to skip the part where I thought Celestia was corrupt. I still needed to talk to her about that some time.

Lyra and I talked for a while longer until noon rolled around and she had prior engagements to attend to. I was feeling a bit worn out from all the talking, but I had still planned on talking to the girl who had been creepily watching me for the past hour and a half. I turned to look at Pinkie who was sitting a few tables over and waved. She waved back and came to sit across from me, nursing what seemed to be a milkshake.

“Hiya, Max! Were you on a date with Lyra?” Pinkie asked

“Nope. Met her on the street and she wanted to ask a few questions. I had the time, so I did. I actually came here to hang out with you for a bit, if you’re not terribly busy.”

“Yay! Can we go on a date? I have just the place, it’s upstairs!”

”As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm to get in my pants, I’m going to say no on that. I don’t want to sleep with you, Pinkie.”

“Aww, shoot! Maybe some other time. Would it help if I told you that I’m even crazier in bed?”

“No, it would not. It would help if I wasn't taller than you, and you had bigger boobs though.” I flatly stated.

Pinkie gasped. “I can’t believe that! I have perfectly respectable boobs!”

“You have a washboard chest, love.”

Pinkie put her thumb in her mouth and blew, her breasts expanding with each breath. I was fucking thunderstruck until she blew to hard and they popped. I sat there, jaw on the floor, mind somewhere in France until she giggled and showed me the top of her thumb, upon which was taped a tube that I had somehow not noticed before.

“I gotcha good, didn’t I?” She tittered.

“You sure did. Knowing you, I thought you were using magic or something to do that.”

“No, I’m pretty sure the story just hasn’t had much in the way of comedic relief for a while, so that’s where I come in!”

I looked at Pinkie like she had found her mind and judo flipped it onto the ground before putting it in a submission hold.

“You sure are an odd one, aren’t you.”

“I sure am! What did you want to do today, if you’re not going to treat me like the bad little filly I am?”

“I could always give you a stern, platonic spanking if you want. Find me a paddle and we’ll head back to my place.” Pinkie looked very excited about that. “I was kidding, love. Chill.”

“You really shouldn’t lead a mare on like that. I might like to be the giver more than the receiver when it comes to BDSM, but I’ll be the sub if I find someone who actually wants to do it. You strike me as more of a sub anyways.” Try me and I'll kill you.

“Never say that again.”

“Why not?”

“There are memories I have that are better left undisturbed. How about we go…” I couldn’t think of anything for us to do. Ponyville was an awfully small town after all.

“Ooh! I know! Let's go prank our friends! I don’t think your prank was all that fun, so I’ll show you some of my favorites!”

“Sounds fine to me. Let’s do it.” Pinkie Pie offered her hand to me and I just raised an eyebrow.

“You’re supposed to shake a hand, Max!” She exclaimed.

“I would if I didn’t know you had a buzzer on it.” I turned her palm towards the ceiling.

“How did you know?” She asked innocently.

“I usually do. It’s a classic prank, and if your style is anything to go by, you need to think bigger. Today, we’re going to get Twilight good by way of a book.”

“Twilight loves books! How is that a prank?”

“Because we’re going to make it more interesting, duh.” I said casually.

Pinkie gave me an odd look and I told her what we’d need for the prank. It wouldn’t come to fruition today, but with time it would be the perfect little jab. I told Pinkie what supplies I would need and she retrieved them from her stash of joke supplies, then we went to the bookstore and grabbed a blank journal. After that, I took us over to the Lock Pad and borrowed some supplies from Onyx, as well as had him put an old fashioned lock on the journal. We weathered the book to make it look old, found some old gold paint that I used to write ‘Augustus Necronomicus’ on the cover, and dipped the book in dirty water to give it that aged look. After borrowing one of Pinkie’s friends magic to dry it, we took it back to Sugarcube Corner and I began my works. Over the course of four hours, I went into excruciating detail about each and every one of my exploits, filling about half of the journal with pure, unadulterated smut and some imagined gore. Pinkie filled the rest with some psychotic ramblings that I could barely make sense of, and with that, we had the perfect Twilight oriented prank.

We began on one for Rainbow, but I didn’t know her well enough to come up with much. Pinkie, on the other hand, had found the Pegasus postwoman I had met the other day and convinced her to set off some lightning around a small, lone cloud that was hovering near Sweet Apple Acres. I had no idea what was going on, but Pinkie had assured me that I just had to wait and watch. An hour later, the strange pegasus mare came back with a much more capable looking friend and they had brought two dark clouds with them somehow. I had asked Pinkie why they had two giant pieces of dirty cotton with them, but she told me that they were actual clouds which surprised me quite a bit. Even more surprising was when the two pegasi kicked the clouds and set off lighting. Once I recollected myself, I heard a loud thud. Pinkie looked at me and grinned, grabbing my hand and sprinting over to where the sound had come from. In a small crater on the ground lay Rainbow dash, arse over head.

“Hiya Rainbow! Whatcha doooin’? Pinkie asked brightly.

“I was napping,” She replied testily, “but somepony just had to come and wake me up!” She righted herself and looked at the two of us, glaring.

I waved at her. “It’s a bit early for a nap, yeah? How were you sleeping on a cloud?”

“Have you never heard of Pegasus magic?” She scoffed.

“No I thought Unicorns were the only ones with magic.”

Pinkie answered my unspoken question. “Nope! All ponies technically have magic! Even Earth Ponies! Pegasi and Earth Ponies just have different kinds!”

“Huh. Maybe I should start eating whatever the hell it is you guys do.”

“Silly human, flowers are for ninnies!”

“Hey! I happen to like flowers!” Rainbow objected.

“Eating them is for ninnies, didn’t you hear the woman?”

Rainbow glared and Pinkie grinned airily. “So what do you two want, other than to ruin my day?”

“Well, Max here won’t give me any, so I was wondering if you’d be interested!”

“Give you any what?” Rainbow looked confused, and I decided not to clear that up.

“Don’t worry about it. Wanna help us prank Rarity?”

“Sure!”

And we were off to see Gandalf the White. We talked Idly about what to do when Pinkie had the most off the wall suggestion I’d heard from her yet. Rainbow and I looked at her like she was crazy, but since I had nothing better to do, and my inhibitions were out for the day, I went along with it. Rainbow, however, talked us down to a compromise that would leave us with some modesty, so I agreed with her suggestion.

Our little trio walked into the Carousel Boutique, Rainbow and Pinkie both wearing cheese filled grins, while my stony countenance remained unmoved. Rarity didn’t seem to have any customers at the moment, so we put our little plan into action once we heard Rarity call out her presence saying she would be there in a moment.

“Hello there,” She said stepping through the door to her back room. She turned to face us, “How can I- Oh dear Celestia!” She shouted, covering her eyes and turning away.

I replaced my trousers and my shirt, leaving my jacket off. Rarity had peeked via a nearby mirror while I was doing so, but I deemed it unworthy of a comment. Pinkie and Rainbow stayed in their respective bras and knickers, though neither of them really needed the braziers.

“Why would you come in here like that!? Have you ponies no shame?” Rarity asked dramatically.

“No, we’re just comfortable enough with our bodies to show them off. Who did you like more; Rainbow, Pinkie, or myself?” I asked with a half-smirk.

“None! Will you two please dress yourselves?” Rarity shielded her genteel eyes from further dirtiness.

“Nope! Not until you give us an answer.” Rainbow put her hands on her hips and walked towards Rarity.

“Yeah! Why don’t you tell us what you think?” Pinkie Pie bounced along behind her.

Rarity couldn’t see them because she was still looking away, but the sound she made when her shorter friends hugged her was both adorable and hilarious.

“Will you two please show some modesty!? I swear, you need something better to do!” She tried to push them awake with her hands without touching their chests, but the task proved difficult as both of the girls were faster and nimbler than her.

“Alright, Pinkie, Rainbow. I think we’ve gone far enough.” I picked up their clothes and handed them to their owners, looking away as they got dressed.

“Dude, it’s a bit late to look away.”

“I wasn’t looking in the first place. It’s not like either of you are my friends or anything.”

“All the more reason you shouldn’t be embarrassed!” Pinkie bounced over to me and I looked her in the eyes. In the blink of an eye, she was stark naked in front of me, and Rainbow was blushing something fierce, her wings stuck out straight.

“Pinkie!” Rarity cried. “You are n-nude in the presence of a stallion! Please control yourself!”

“Or don’t. I don’t care what you do.” My stomach churned a little when Pinkie did a little twirl. Rainbow quickly put her shorts back on, followed by the light blue T-shirt she had been wearing earlier. Pinkie was still naked, but she didn’t seem to care.

“It’s nice to be naked! Why don’t you give it a try?” Pinkie asked me directly. Rarity turned a bit with a blush on her face and Rainbow’s eyes were still glued to Pinkie, though she did managed to peel her gaze away after a bit.

“If I do, will you get dressed?” I asked.

“Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I’ll give you a hug for being so brave!”

“Pinkie, for shame!” Rarity seemed a bit less sincere when she said that.

“Make that a definite yes and I will.”

Pinkie pretended to think for a moment. “Hmmm. What do I get out of that? Maybe I just want the hug?”

“If I hug you while naked, will you get dressed?”

“Yes!”

“Fine.” I began to undress and noticed that the other two mares had similar reactions to Pinkies. Rainbow looked mildly interested, and Rarity very much so though she tried to be discreet. Pinkie was looking at me with a hunger I had only seen from Twilight in estrus.

Once I was fully naked, I spread my arms. “Ready when you are.” Pinkie wasted no time in gluing herself to my body and I could feel her soft fur on my manhood. Luckily, I still didn’t find her attractive so I had no worries, though after the five second mark, I was beginning to get concerned.

“Pinkie? You can let go now.” I said cautiously.

“I never said how long I would hug you.”

I rolled my eyes and pried her arms off, giving the girls the last good look they were going to get before redressing. Pinkie Pie followed suit with a sigh when she saw that I was still completely flaccid, and Rarity was sporting a good blush.

“Did you perverts enjoy the show?” I asked

Rainbow shrugged. “Meh.”

“Yes!”

“I-I wasn’t looking!” The three of us pranksters all gave Rarity a droll stare and she covered her mouth, averting her eyes. “O-Okay, maybe a little.”

“Like I said; perverts, all of you.”

“I am no pervert!” Rarity protested.

“And yet you still found it within your morals to gaze upon a man in his unclothed state. One might call you a horndog, madam.”

“I-I never-”

“We all saw you looking, Rares. There’s no shame in it.” Rainbow rolled her eyes again.

“Hey! You two got to see us naked, why don't you strip for us?” Pinkie asked playfully.

“No problem here. It’s only fair.” Rainbow began to strip once again and Rarity tried to run, but Pinkie grabbed her tail and she stopped short.

“You don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t, do you? It’s not fair to Max here if you got to look at him!

“She had no input on that, Pinkie. Don’t push someone into something they don’t want to do. Though if you want to,” I turned to a beet red Rarity, “I wouldn’t look if you asked me not to.”

“I-I think I…” Rarity looked unsure as she fingered her calf length skirt.

“Just do it or don’t! You really need to make up your mind.” A now naked Rainbow said. I glanced in her direction as she spoke, but averted my gaze once I saw the blue planes of her body.

“What, you never seen the coolest pony alive naked?” Rainbow taunted.

Pinkie Pie’s attention was now on her. I scratched at the stubble that had grown on my chin. “Can’t say I have. If you ever see them, point them in my direction, will you?” Rainbow punched my shoulder hard enough to leave a light bruise and got dressed, making sure to bend over in front of me to give me a good look. I ignored her and looked to Rarity.

“Why are our friends so immature?”

“You did it too, Max!” Rarity pointed out.

“And I didn’t compliment myself or glomp anyone while naked, now did I?”

“No, I suppose you didn’t.” Rarity looked off to the side and her blush grew as she fidgeted with the top button of her blouse.

I saw an opportunity to mess with her. “Here, let me help you with that, poppet. I think you’re having far too much trouble.” I stepped up to her and brushed her hand aside, unbuttoning two of the fastenings quickly. I smirked at her as her breathing picked up and Pinkie along with Rainbow both giggled.

“I thought you were just going to do it for her, dude!” Rainbow laughed.

“I just wanted to help Rarity out since she seemed to be getting warm. I know what it’s like to have trouble with those pesky buttons, poppet.” I leaned a bit more into my accent.

“T-Thank you, I suppose.” Rarity said softly. I could tell she was getting uncomfortable, so I decided to change tact.

“How about we leave poor Rarity alone for now, girls?” Pinkie and Rainbow shared a looked before the blue one tried to pants me as Pinkie got behind me.

Somehow, despite my belt, Rainbow managed to get my pants off and Pinkie pushed me straight into the soft confines of Rarity’s bosom. I managed to keep myself upright, but I had gotten clumsy with the placement of my hands and one of them landed on Rarity’s shoulder. The other one found a much softer target.

I righted myself and pulled my pants up, willing my willy to stay down. “I’m going to kick both of your arses up and down this street.” I idly threatened. Rainbow and Pinkie made a hasty retreat, leaving me with a stunned Rarity.

“Sorry about that, Rares. It was just supposed to be a quick prank.”

“I-I… Well, i-it’s no problem, I understand.” She looked at anything other than me for a good moment.

“Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or feel awkward. I closed the distance between us and re-buttoned her frilled white blouse for her, being very careful where I put my hands under her anxious eye.

“Wait here a moment, will you please?” Rarity asked nervously.

“Of course.” I stood as she went into her back room and looked around. As usual, her shop was meticulously kept and I could see nothing out of order. The outfits she herself had made were color coded for ladies attire and by size for the comparatively colorless male attire.

“M-Max? Are you still there?” Rarity called from the back.

“I am.” I replied.

“Could you come back here for a moment?”

I walked through the door to find bright white fur contrasted against tasteful and sexy black lingerie. My eyes immediately went to Rarity’s face as I accounted for modesty and I walked closer, avoiding looking upon her lovely figure, regardless of the implied invitation to do so.

“S-So… What do you think?”

“Not a terribly fair question since you never answered my question earlier.”

“My answer should have been fairly obvious.” She huffed, crossing her arms. It raised her breasts quite nicely, though I wasn’t looking. Totally wasn’t looking.

“Implications and statements are different words for a reason.”

“Fine. I-I preferred looking at you.” Her blush grew a little and I gave her a half smile.

“And I would prefer looking at you if I had your permission do it.”

Rarity turned her gaze to me and our eyes met. “Have you not… Looked?”

“I glanced before I realized. You have a lovely figure, Rarity.”

“...So you’re not going to have a proper one?”

“You’re a proper lady, unlike Pinkie and Rainbow. It would be rude without your express permission.”

“Are you sure you’re not secretly a gentlecolt? I’m rather sure calling you back here while in my under garments was rather apparent permission. It would be for most stallions.”

“I’m not a stallion. I’m a man with manners. Please don’t tell me you were coerced into disrobing by those two.”

“N-No, not quite. It was a bit of an influence, but I don’t mind so much if it’s just you.”

“Thank you for trusting me Rarity, but I believe I’ve had an eyeful.”

“You haven’t stopped looking me in the eye since you came in!”

I stepped back a bit and gave her a slow once over, taking in every inch of her form with a fake grin plastered on my face. I felt no real enjoyment from it, even though I most certainly did appreciate the lovely view. Once I had passed over her breasts, I looked back into her eyes and found a bit of lust there.

“I’ve looked now, and my statement from earlier still stands. You’re a beautiful woman, Rarity.”

“Thank you, Max.” She shyly covered her breasts and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

“Don’t tell me you want a naked hug too?” I asked jokingly.

Rarity didn’t answer me, but she did giggle nervously.

“...Is that a yes?” I asked

“Well I certainly wouldn’t object.”

“My lover would. Pinkie Pie is one thing, but you would be another matter entirely.” I sighed.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t find Pinkie Pie attractive in any sense of the word. She is cute, don’t get me wrong, but she’s too childlike for me to want anything of the sort from her. You, on the other hand,” I gestured to her voluptuous form, ”are quite the woman. I wouldn’t want to risk my relationship now.”

“... Are you saying you don’t find me desirable?”

“I’m saying that if I gave you a hug with no clothes on, I would need to contact my lover to let her know ahead of time because I find you desirable. I most certainly do not object to the idea.”

Rarity chewed her lip. “I go into estrus tomorrow. Perhaps you could say hello to your lover?”

“I will. I’ll let you know if she gives me the okay.” I had forgotten to ask her about Applejack to, so I needed to write Celestia anyway. And I needed to talk to her about that note I had sent her, though I really didn't want to.

“Please do.” Rarity turned around and I looked at her plump posterior.

“Before we do anything, can I ask what it would mean to you?”

“Well, it’s not uncommon for ponies in gender skewed towns to share. I wouldn’t try to claim you for my own if that’s what you’re asking.

“I was asking if you wanted to carry on something with a bit of romance or just a 'friends with benefits' kind of deal.”

“Well, I do find relationships to be rather troublesome with my current career, so the 'friends with benefits' suits me quite well. Could I ask that we have a few conditions?”

“No feelings, no non-consensual sex?”

“Well, yes, basically. Have you had this conversation before?”

“With Applejack yesterday, actually.”

“Maybe those rumors are right,” She teased, “You do seem to get around.”

“Only amongst our friends, I believe.”

“Oh, Max, there’s one more thing I wanted to ask of you.”

“Yes Rarity?”

“Could we add another clause to our agreement?”

“Depends on the clause. What is it?”

“Well, as you know, I don’t really have a stallion to enjoy the smaller things with.”

“So you want a boyfriend without the obligation. I have no issue with that, but it may breed feelings that we don’t want.”

“You underestimate a mare’s power to do without love in a relationship.” She sniffed.

“That would have a lot more impact if you weren’t half naked, love.”

“Hush! Why do you keep switching between ‘love’ and ‘poppet’?”

“Which do you prefer?”

“I like ‘love’, but I would prefer something unique.”

“How about ‘bonny’? It means beautiful.”

“...I like it!” She beamed at me.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, bonny.” I couldn’t just leave without giving her something for such a treat.

I took her arm in my hand gently and she whirled around, leaning forward as if she had anticipated my next move, I was rather certain that she did from the way she passionately kissed me back, slipping me a little tongue before we broke the kiss.

“I-I’m sorry, darling. Was the tongue too much?”

“It most definitely was not. I’ll see you tomorrow Rarity.” I turned and walked out of the establishment wondering what the bloody fuck I had just gotten myself into.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Celestia paid me a visit that night after I had sent her the missive about the relationships that I was going to start with Rarity and Applejack. She hadn’t said anything about it while we were making small talk over some tea that I had made from supplies she had brought. Mostly we caught up on the day to day happenings which was basically me talking about the wild week I’d been having in Ponyville and her complaining about the tedium of Day Court. Apparently she had a job for me, but wouldn’t tell me what it was until later.

“You know that prank you pulled with those brownies was evil, right?”

“It may have been, but I’m sure it was fun for you.”

“I have never been so intoxicated in my entire life! They were good, don’t get me wrong, but what the hay did you put in them?

“Just a little something that reminded me of home. If it makes you feel any better, I tested the effects on myself and Twilight first.”

"That doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me worry about leaving my student anywhere near you.”

“You should be more worried about leaving me with her. You two might end up being pseudo sisters if she keeps hitting on me.”

“That’s not very funny.”

“It was worth a shot.” I shrugged and sipped the tasty tea.

“So, Max. What made you consider a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with Applejack? I know you forgave her, but it makes absolutely no sense.”

“We wiped the slate clean. We’re starting over like nothing ever happened unless someone else brings it up, but even then we try to distance ourselves from that event. Considering that I’m trying to be a more honest person, it wouldn’t hurt to be closer to her.”

“That doesn’t explain the ‘shagging’ as you so eloquently put it.”

“In all seriousness?” I asked rhetorically . “I just like her as a person. She has strong morals, a good sense of justice and a great figure. Hell, besides that event and her hatred of lying, I can’t really find a reason I couldn’t be with her. She’s rather worldwise and quite down to earth, more so than her friends. If I’m right, she backs me up and I don’t doubt that she’ll call me out if I’m wrong.”

“She reminds me a bit of Velvet.” Celestia quietly added.

“Don’t go there.” I retorted just as quietly

“You can only speak to me like that for so long, Maximus.” She warned

“Don’t bring up things you damn well know hurt, then.”

“I suppose that’s fair.” She sighed. “So what about Rarity? I can’t see you with a pony that strives to be one of the aristocrats you hate so much.”

“Neither could I, but then I got to know her. Honestly, I used to despise her, but she’s grown on me. She’s a genuine, friendly person who won’t push me for information I don’t want to share, nor will she bring up topics she knows I don’t want to speak on. To summarize; she’s tactful, patient, kind, and generous. The only things I don’t like about her are her ambitions, her demeanor when it comes to men, and her accent. All minor things."

“What do you mean you don’t like her demeanor?”

“She uses her sex appeal needlessly. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even know she’s doing it, but with the way our relationship is set up, it’s not my problem.”

“I worry when you say things like that, Max. I know breaking up with Velvet hurt,” I gripped my tea cup, “but you weren’t this cold before, even when you came back from Gryphonia.”

“I lost the person that told me that what I did in Gryphonia was justified. Without her, it’s been taking its toll on me along with her absence in my heart. I already had a piece sectioned out for her with throw pillows and a nice little rug too.”

Celestia reached over from her adjacent seat and placed a hand on my knee. “I’m here for you when you need me, Max. You know that.” She glanced at my forearms and I rotated them to show her that there were no marks.

“I know that. Which is why I told you a lot more than I told the girls. I'm certain that I love you Celestia, but there are some things that I know I need to keep to myself.”

“You said you were going to try to be more open, Max. Now is one of those moments.”

“You really don’t want me to do that, Celestia. Let’s wait until you’re ready to leave for that. Or we can wait until February thirtieth and talk about it then.”

“I don’t know what that is, but if you want to wait to talk about it, we can. Just know that I want to do it before I go and I will not forget.”

“I know you won’t. What else did you want to talk about in the meantime?”

“How have you been since Velvet?”

“Fucking terrible. I went a few days without eating, a few nights without sleeping, and I still feel pretty under the weather. Sex means little to me now, and there’s a weight on my chest that won’t go away. It feels like I’m drowning constantly and all I desire right now is to go to sleep and never wake up, but I know life goes on. I’m aware that this pain will dull with time, but dammit Celestia, does it hurt. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so fast and loose with giving pieces of myself away, but I can’t really say that I care about anything right now.”

Celestia looked heartbroken and I grabbed her hand, pulling her over to my loveseat.

“I still care about you, hun, and there’s nothing that can change that. You still mean a lot to me, and I did mean what I said when I told you that I love you. Right now, you’re the reason I’m still here.”

“Max… I never would have sent you here if I knew that it was going to hurt you like this. I love you too, and knowing that you’re like this because of me…”

“You didn’t know what the future was going to hold, so don’t blame yourself, because I don’t."I I lied. I blamed her a little. "The only thing I cared about in that sentence was that you said ‘I love you too’.” I gave her the ghost of a smile, as genuine as I could get.

“You’re a good stallion, despite everything you’ve been through. I wonder what brought you to my land, but I’m glad it did; we need more ponies like you.” Celestia placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed.

“No you don’t. You need more people with my good qualities, which I’m trying to get more of.”

“You’ve got enough now. You just need to work on some of the worse ones, but that will take some time.” She paused. “Thank you for honoring our agreement about mares, now that I think about it. Though I do find it disturbing that you hugged Pinkie Pie while nude.”

“She wouldn’t get dressed unless I did. If it makes you feel any better, I was soft the entire time.”

“I would hope so. If not, I might have to cut it off.”

“Scary. While we’re in the process of switching topics, what is this job you want me to do?”

“...It’s not a job I want you to do. I really don’t want you to have anything to do with it.”

“So it’s bad. What is it?”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You can reject it if you don’t want to do it. Say the word and it’ll be like I never even mentioned it.”

“Celestia.”

“...I want you to assassinate the Gryphon King.”

“Why?” I inquired.

Celestia looked surprised. “He’s been threatening to invade northern Equestria for some time now, and it seems like he’s thinking about it more and more lately. He’s been rejecting all peace offers, and will not comment on the raids that are becoming more frequent. His wife, Queen Elfriede, is far more reasonable, making her opposition to his goals very apparent.”

“So if I take down the King, the Queen takes over?”

“Yes, and Equestria will have a much better chance of gaining Gryphonia as an ally under her rule.”

“Why not have someone else do it? I’m sure Crimson could do it better than I could.”

“The thing is, that one of our nobles has been leaking information regarding our operatives, but we don’t know which one as of yet. If you can get the information from the King before you kill him, then that would go far in keeping Equestria and her people safe.”

“I’m guessing that I’m not on the list?”

“You are not. I personally made sure of that, regardless of whether or not you have our seals on your blade.”

“So right now I’m the only one who can do it?”

“...In a manner of speaking, yes.”

“Then I will. If it helps keep you safe, I’m willing to do just about anything.”

Celestia’s eyes glistened. “You don’t have to do this Max. It’s dangerous and suicidal! What would I do if I sent you to your death!? How could I live with myself after that? I don't want to lose you because of some foalish King that doesn’t understand the might of Equestria!”

“So you would rather have thousands of your people die in a war than your lover? You're willing to risk the lives of many for one?”

Celestia chewed her lip and nodded once. “That’s not how you successfully run a country, hun. I refuse your refusal.”

“Max, I-”

I silenced her with a long, meaningful kiss, holding her close enough to feel her breasts rise and fall as her breathing picked up.

“I will do anything to keep you safe. If that means slaying a king like a Kobold, then I’ll do it.”

Tears fell from her eyes. “I don’t want to risk losing you.”

“And I don’t want to risk losing you. That’s why I want to do it.” I looked into her eyes and something felt wrong. I don’t know what it was, so I brushed it along, sweeping it out of my mind like the tears I gently wiped away from her beautiful face.

“I will survive, Max. I always have, for thousands of years, and one little war will not change that. I assure you that I could blow Gryphonia off the face of this world, but…”

“You can’t interfere with the balance you’ve reached. I know. That’s why you didn’t allow Applejack to turn herself in when she nearly killed me.”

“What.” Celestia was stuck.

“I know you put a freeze on the reasonable orders to have Applejack arrested. I know you protected her when by all means she should be rotting in prison right now.”

“Max, what are you talking about?” Celestia’s anxiety didn’t show in her voice, but it did in her eyes.

“Don’t lie to me, Celestia. It’s very unbecoming. I don’t want revenge or anything for it, but I do want you to know that I see you for what you are.”

“I-I-”

“And yet, for some odd reason, I can’t stop loving you.” I caressed her cheek with the tips of my fingers and gave her a small smile. “You’re corrupt down to your bones, and nothing will ever change that. Your soul is as black as mine, but you’re never going to try and purify it. No, it would undo everything you’ve worked for.”

Celestia’s eyes were wide and full as she swatted my hand away.

“How dare you. How dare you!”

“How dare I speak the truth? Isn’t that what you want from me, Celestia? To be more open and honest?”

“How could you make such accusations! How dare you!!”

Her hair flickered like fire and burned with an icy intensity that her eyes mimicked. It was quite the sight to behold, but I wasn’t scared. I felt odd until I realized something that hit me hard.

“You’ve been playing me haven’t you?”

“Do not speak of what thou doth not know!”

My heart dropped and tears fell down my face in rivulets.

“Celestia?” I asked softly.

The flames that wreathed around her pulchritudinous crown lessened in their intensity and Celestia teleported away, leaving me to evil thoughts and what Celestia’s anger had meant. I was so lost, so unsure, so filled with regret. I never should have said any of that. Now, I had lost the one thing that made life worth living, and it was all my fault for accusing her of something she may not have even done.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke the next morning exhausted. Lupa still hadn’t returned and I was lonelier than ever. I couldn’t purge the thought that Celestia had been toying with my heart all along, using me to do her dirty work while she and Luna sat in Canterlot laughing at my foolishness. I spent hours in the fetal position trying to ward off the deep seated ache that had settled into my breast, but nothing I could do would work. I had trusted her, loved her, given her what I could, tried to be a better man for her, but it all meant nothing. She had never loved me. She had never wanted me in her life, other than to fill the role of some boy toy that she could keep on a leash. It was a long leash, granted, but a leash nonetheless, and it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. I didn’t want to believe that I had meant nothing to her, but it was all my mind could rest on. I was ready to go. I was ready to do anything to numb the pain.

I stepped into my kitchen and ate the rest of the brownies I had kept. There were only a few left, and they would take too long to do the job, so I went out back and cut off another bud from my tree and walked to the general store in town. The mare at the counter greeted me, but I was in no mood to talk, so I asked if she had any pipes available. Turns out, she had a few nice wooden ones and a box of matches to go with it, though she wasn't happy with my attitude. After paying her double what they were worth and giving her an empty ‘thank you’ I went back home and lit up until I couldn’t move. I spent four hours getting far too high, throwing up, and repeating the process until my entire room was so filled with smoke, I could barely see my hand in front of me.

It didn’t help as much as I’d hoped it would, so I went to the only liquor store in town while so high I could barely walk. I made it inside and grabbed two bottles of somethingclear and a bottle of whiskey. The clerk didn’t want to sell to me so I slapped a hundred bits down on the counter and walked back home, ignoring every pony that greeted me or tried to help me stand when I fell.

After drinking myself to sobriety and back into a drunken stupor, I heard a knock on my door. I stood up, enraged that someone dare disturb my wallowing, and tried my damnedest to rip the door from its hinges to find that Twilight and Applejack were standing outside. I looked and saw that the Sun was setting, which pissed me off just as much as having two mother fuckers interrupt me trying to drink myself to death.

“What.” I snarled.

“Whoa now, sugarcube, we ain’t here to do nothin’. We just wanna talk to ya.” Applejack placated

Twilight looked scared. “Max, are you okay?”

“What the fuck does it look like. Fuck off.” I slammed the door in their faces and picked up the bottle I had nearly drained, finishing what was left.

I got the other one opened when they knocked again. I couldn’t stop myself from shaking with rage, even though I knew it was misplaced. I wanted to be left alone, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I had isolated myself. I could barely think straight in my knackered state and upturned the bottle, reveling in the burn. That was the scene Applejack and Twilight walked in on.

“Max!” Applejack rushed over and tried to wrest the bottle from me. I threw a clumsy punch that still landed on her jaw, though she barely flinched. She got the bottle after I threw a few more punches until I realized I couldn’t form a fist anymore; I had broken at least three fingers without even realizing it from poorly placed blows.

“Max, please!” Twilight cried.

“What the hay has gotten into you, Max!? Just a couple days ago you were fine and dandy, now you’ve been stumblin’ round town snappin’ at everypony within arms reach! What’s goin’ on”

“Go fuck yourself and leave me the Hell alone!” I slurred. “I never asked you to come here, so fuck off!”

Twilight grabbed me with her magic before I could tackle Applejack and floated me over to the couch, forcing me to sit so she could inspect my hand. After a flash of magic, my fingers were set and healed for the most part, though itchy

“How? How did you end up like this?” Tears fell from Twilight’s eyes and I raged on.

“Ask you fucking teacher! She’s been using me like a fucking tool the entire time Twilight! She never even cared! She never loved me.” I bore my teeth at her and willed my body to move, but magic trumped my meager strength.

“Wait, what?” Applejack asked, rubbing her jaw.

“I don’t know, let me see if I can cast a sobriety spell.”

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare, Twilight. I swear to God I'll kill you if you make me go back to what that fucking cunt is putting me through.”

She was taken aback and moved away from me as Applejack stormed forward.

“You take that back, now! I don’t care what you’re goin’ through, you don’t say somethin’ like that to a friend!”

“Fucking kill yourself.” I spat.

Applejack grabbed my face and leaned down. “Take. It. Back.”

I rewarded her efforts by spitting in her face. “Finish what you started, you fucking twat. Kill me now.” I hissed.

Her eyes lit up with rage and she cocked back, but the punch I wanted so desperately never came. Instead, she lowered her fist and showed me mercy that I never wanted.

“Do it you fucking coward! Nut up and hit me!”

“Applejack,” Twilight put a magic muzzle on me, “I think we need to watch over him until he sobers up. I know he didn't mean any of that.”

“I know, sugarcube, I know.” She wiped my saliva from her face. “I don’t know what happened to him, but this ain’t Max. This ain’t him.”

“Then all we can do is wait until he calms down.” Twilight and Applejack were both shaking hard. Applejack from rage, and Twilight from fear, but both were shivering like leaves.

They grabbed blankets from the closet I had stored them in and placed one on me, taking two others for themselves as they sat and talked quietly. I threw up a few times, but Twilight cleaned me with her magic when that happened, and so was the long process of sobering up. Every hour brought a new wave of pain that rocked me like no other. Just when I thought it could get no worse, life stabbed the other testicle and all I could do was sit there and take it, unable to cry or scream.

It was torture. Pure, concentrated torture.

Night had fallen for some time when Rarity came knocking. Applejack got up to answer the door and explained the situation to her and she joined their vigil with me glaring hatefully at each of them. They sat for hours talking amongst themselves, theorizing what had made me go off the deep end, and asking me every hour on the hour if I was ready to talk. Each time I just glared and whoever asked returned to their seat and they continued talking.

I was finally sober enough to speak around five in the morning, during Rarity’s turn on watch. Applejack and Twilight were resting on the floor and I was hurting badly, wanting nothing more than to smoke myself into another coma. When Rarity asked me if I was ready to talk, I nodded and she dispelled Twilight’s gag.

“Leave.” I whispered hoarsely. She replaced the gag and sat back down, worry etched deep into her pretty face.

Around eight, Fluttershy came knocking with Lupa in tow. When the wolf saw me on the couch, she immediately leaped next to me and licked my face which only earned her my scorn. She whimpered and laid her head on my lap, sticking by me, no matter how much I was lashing out. Rarity talked to Fluttershy for a moment and I had yet another visitor to watch over me. I should have been touched that my friends would go so far as to abandon their daily lives to make sure I was okay, even after threatening and insulting two of them. There was nothing more I wanted than to reach out to them and weep my sorrows until I fell into the bliss of unconsciousness, but at the same time, I didn’t trust myself to be near them without hurting someone, so when they asked if I was ready to talk, I shook my weary head and remained gagged.

Noon rolled around and I finally agreed to talk.

“Close the curtains.” The bright light had been bothering my aching head for some time.

Twilight did so with magic. “Are you really ready to talk, Max?”

“No, but I want you to leave me alone.” I whispered.

“That ain’t happenin’ while you’re like this. What happened? Why are you lashin’ out like somepony just killed Lupa?”

“Celestia has been using me this entire time. When Luna sent me to Gryphonia, Celestia objected, but she never meant it. When I told her I had blood on my hands, she already knew.”

“What do you mean by that?” Rarity inquired softly.

“I killed four people in Gryphonia.” The girls gasped collectively.

“I’m sure they back you into a corner, Max. You ain’t the type to go lookin’ for a fight.” Applejack said with certainty

“I’m not and I was. I could’ve found a different way to handle it, but none of that matters now.” I closed my eyes.

“That has to be weighing on your conscience. Maybe that’s making you paranoid, making you think Celestia doesn’t love you.” Twilight suggested.

I barked out a dry, cruel laugh. “She doesn’t give a damn about me. She never did. I called her out on what happened with Applejack, told her I knew that she had protected her after our fight. She got angry and said ‘How dare you’ like I didn’t already know. She’s corrupt and her soul is as dark as mine, but she won’t admit it.” I spat.

“M-Maybe she got angry because you accused her?”

“Who else has the authority to stop someone from turning themselves in?”

“A lot of ponies, actually. It’s down to the officer-” Twilight began

“No, that’s not what happened, Twi. I tried to turn myself in and they told me they were on orders from higher up not to let me.” Applejack explained.

Twilight’s face fell. “It can’t be true! That’s not Celestia!”

I scoffed. “Even if it isn’t, she’s not the person you think she is, Twilight. I already told you that.”

“So you think Celestia doesn’t love you because she got mad when you accused her of doing something?” Rarity asked.

“No, I think Celestia doesn’t love me because she was furious when I accused her. She teleported away after I asked her if she had been playing me.”

The girls looked between themselves, but none of them had any answers.

Applejack was the first to speak up. “Maybe you’re just overthinkin’ it? You might be goin’ to the worst case scenario for no reason.” she placed a hand on my knee and knelt before me.

“I wish I was. It makes too much sense. Can you let me lay down? It’s been a long day.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t think of how badly you must be aching from sitting like that so long.” Twilight released her magic and Lupa hopped onto the floor next too Applejack. I stiffly laid myself on the couch.

“I’m sorry for everything, Twilight, Applejack. Neither of you deserved that.”

“Deserved what?” Rarity asked

“It’s nothing, Rares. Just let it go, it’s not important.” Applejack assured her.

“...Do you want somepony to stay with you? I know you must be hurting right now.” Twilight asked kindly.

“...Yeah. Lupa, go to the shed and get rid of that thing. Someone get the alcohol.” I sat up and heard a lot of pops and cracks, each one hurting, then giving me a bit more mobility. I started pulling my knives from their sheaths and placed them all on my coffee table. “Keep those away from me right now. I don’t need them.”

Rarity picked them up in a heap with her magic. “I’ll keep them for now. You know where to find them if you do need them, though I can’t imagine why you ever would.”

“Thank you.” I laid back down and closed my eyes.

“I’ll stay here. Can one of ya go tell Big Mac what’s goin’ on? Leave out the details, just tell him Max needs a friend at the moment.” Applejack asked.

“I’ll do it.” Fluttershy offered. “Big Macintosh usually listens to me.”

“Good idea. Hey Max?” She asked softly.

“Yes, Applejack?”

“You need anything? Wanna go lay down in your bed?”

“Yeah to both. I’m gonna go get water.” I slouched over to my sink and drank as much as I could stomach before going to the restroom. I splashed some water on my face and barely recognized the man in the mirror. He was too haggard and elderly to be me. I walked out and found Applejack just outside, listening in on what I had been doing. I appreciated the concern and tried to give her a reassuring smile, but all my lips could do was twitch vaguely. She evidently understood what I was trying to do and gave me one in turn before giving me a hug that I returned after a moment.

“I’m sorry, Applejack.”

“I know, Max. It’s okay. We know you were just speakin’ from pain.”

“I was way out of line. Never had friends like you girls before. Thank you.” The dam that had been holding back the flood burst and the tears I had thought were gone came back with a vengeance.” Thank you so much.” I said through my sobs.

Applejack stood and held me while I cried, which only reminded me of the way Velvet had done. I cried harder, breaking down completely in her arms. It was something that so many people take for granted, the touch of a friend. It was something that I had scorned in Velvet, and swore to myself that I would never do to my friends, no matter what. I don’t know how long I cried or how Applejack managed to bear it, but when I stopped, I was so worn out I didn’t want to move. She escorted me back to my room and laid me down, taking up a spot right next to me before Lupa joined in on my other side. My heart eased slightly as I drifted off into the sweet nothingness that was sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up to the sound something frying in my kitchen. Lupa was now laying in front of me where Applejack had been with her head nuzzled into my chest. She looked up at me when I stirred and I stroked her fur, thankful that I had her. I got up and picked out some clothes, putting them in the bathroom for a shower later. I didn’t feel like doing it, but I knew I had to maintain personal hygiene if I wanted too keep my friends and my pupper around, so I set myself to the task, regardless of how I felt about it. I peeked in the kitchen and saw Applejack at the stove whipping something up. I glanced outside and at my clock, seeing that it was morning the next day. I had already blown two days in a self destructive spiral, but I was more surprised that it hadn’t lasted longer.

I hopped in the shower and took my time, trying to wash away the griminess that I felt deep inside, failing miserably. Focusing on the fact that I had friends who were willing to put up with me at my worst and a beautiful mare in the kitchen who was hopefully making something that Lupa could eat. I wasn’t hungry, but like the shower, I knew I needed it. After applying some cologne and shaving down the beard I had begun too grown, I exited and found Applejack, yet again, leaning against the door. She smiled when she saw me.

“You smell awful nice. You got a date or somethin’?” She joked.

“Maybe. Depends on what you cooked.” I gave her a little grin that seemed too ease her worries.

“Well, I hope ya like apple fritters, because that’s what it is.”

“If you made them, they must be heavenly. Did you make anything for Lupa?”

“I didn’t. Fluttershy dropped off some food for her while you were asleep, but she hasn’t left your side since you laid down.” The wolf in question took that as her cue too nudge my lower back. I jumped and spun around, patting her head.

“Then let’s get down to breakfast.”

I’m sure my food was good, but it tasted like ash in my mouth, though I didn’t say that to Applejack. I was thankful that she had made it for me, so eating all of it was non negotiable, no matter how little I felt like eating. I noticed that she picked and pecked at her food, too busy looking at me to eat her own.

“Not hungry?” I asked casually.

“Just worried about ya.” She gave me a little smile and took a bite of her fritter.

“Thank you. I don’t mean to worry you, but I know you’ll do it anyway.”

“True. What do you want to do today? To get your mind off of it?”

I thought for a moment. “...Would you care for some cuddling?”

Applejack broke out in laughter and I joined her once I realized how ridiculous the suggestion had sounded. It lifted my spirits a bit and I needed that, even if I was laughing at my own oversight.

“I’m sorry, sugarcube, I don’t mean to laugh, but that’s the last thing I thought you’d wanna do.”

“Well, if you’re not up too the task, I’m sure I could persuade someone else.” I sniffed haughtily, not managing too keep a straight face.

“No, no. I want to, trust me. I just wasn’t expectin’ it.” Applejack started scarfing down her food in the most attractive way and only stopped when she looked up and saw the amused smile I had plastered on my face.

“What you smilin’ about?” She asked with her mouth full.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.” I chuckled. It sounded a little empty to me, but at least I laughed.

Applejack swallowed and daintily patted at the crumbs around her mouth with a blush on her face. Once she finished, we took ourselves outside and sat on my porch swing, rocking gently with the breeze. She held my hand and drew a little circle on it over and over again as Lupa sunbathed nearby. The morning was a bit chilly, but this time Applejack was clad in the warm flannel and jeans she had worn the night she came over.

“Hey, have you had a chance to shower since I’ve been out cold?” I asked.

She blushed and let my hand go. “Well, I didn’t want to leave you alone since I didn’t know when you were gonna wake up.”

“Why don’t we swing by your places and grab some clothes? Or you could drop me off with Twilight and take your time.”

“I guess I could leave ya with Twi for a bit. Not that I don’t trust ya to watch yourself, I-”

“Look, AJ, I don’t trust me too watch myself right now. I’ll be fine at Twilight’s for a little bit. When you come back, we can continue cuddling and you can draw whatever you want on my hand.”

“Fine. I guess I can’t win with you.”

“You’ll usually win with me. I owe you a lot, Applejack.”

“I’m just payin’ back the kindness you showed me, Max. That and tryin’ to be the best friend that I can be.”

“You’re being a better friend than I was.” I stood and offered a hand to her.

She took it and with that, we were on our way to Ponyville. We walked side by side with Lupa on my right and Applejack on my left. I greeted the ponies that were out and about like I usually did, feeling that I needed to be extra nice since I had been such a prick two days ago. The ponies were quick to forgive, and I was grateful for that, even if I knew there were going to be whispers about me for the days to come. I didn’t worry about it very much. It just wasn’t worth the effort. We got to Twilight’s after taking our time on our walk. I didn’t really want Applejack to go and neither did she, but I was going to be fine under Twilight’s care and Lupa’s watchful eye.

Spike was up and cooking when I walked in with Twilight herself sitting at the table half dressed and bleary, though she perked up when I walked in. She looked down at her attire and rushed off to change while Spike and I just shared a look.

“What’s up, mate?” I asked before filling my usual spot at the table.

“Not much. Twilight was gone for a while yesterday and the night before, but she didn’t say where she went. Fluttershy and Rarity must’ve gone too the same place, because I couldn’t find them either!”

“They were all at my place taking care of me, with Applejack. Apparently they heard that I was being a right prick around town and came to check on me.”

“Huh. What does 'prick' mean?”

“Jerk, or something like it. It’s not really a word you should be using at your age, though.”

“Then why'd you say it?”

“Because that’s what I was being at the time. It was an accurate word.”

“So why can’t I use it?”

“Because it’s improper for a guy your age, little man. Just ask Twilight if you don’t believe me.”

He shrugged. “I believe you. So what brings you over?”

“Twilight’s supposed to be watching me for the time being. I’m not really in a state where I can be left alone.”

“Dude, what happened?”

“It’s a long story that ends with me going off the deep end.” Lupa barked her agreement.

Spike jumped hard. “Holy moly! I didn’t even see her!”

Lupa put her head on the table since she was tall enough to do that and puffed out a breath. “I don’t see how. She’s awfully noticeable, being a giant fu-fun. A giant fun wolf.”

“Were you really going to say fun?”

“No, but I’m trying to watch my language.”

Spike and I kept up the idle chatter until Twilight returned, fully dressed in a nice little miniskirt and a sweater vest over a white blouse. We had been talking about Twilight when she walked back in, so the conversation stopped and I continued it, citing Rarity as the impromptu topic.

“Hi, Max. How are you feeling this morning?” Twilight asked with a smile.

“Better. Applejack dropped me off here so she could take care of her morning routine, so hopefully I won’t be in your hair to long.”

“Nonsense! You’re always welcome here, Max. Even if Spike secretly hates you.” She stage whispered.

“Hey! I like Max!”

“Ha! Gaaaay!” Twilight and I laughed while Spike blushed and plated the table for himself, leaving Twilight’s plate on the counter.

“You can get your own breakfast.” He muttered under his breath. I raised and eyebrow at Twilight and she rolled her eyes, using her bullshit magic too float the plate over.

“You know magic isn’t fair at all, right?” I asked.

“It might not be fair, but it is useful.” She said as she used said magic to lift her fork to her mouth. I gave her a flat stare as she chuckled and chewed, taking the utensil in her hand.

We chatted for a bit over breakfast and I stroked Lupa from time to time. She licked her chops, which earned her a few bites of Twilight’s meal, though Spike was rather suspicious of her until she attacked him with her special brand of slobbery affection, distracting him long enough to nosh on the rest of his breakfast. Twilight and I laughed at his crestfallen expression. I offered to buy him a cupcake or something some time, and he looked much happier after than. Twilight seemed much less so, preferring to keep her assistant on a near sugar free diet. With a little cajoling from Spike and I, we got her to acquiesce.

Applejack showed up shortly after breakfast to collect me and I bid my goodbyes to Twilight and Spike, happy that she had returned. We walked back to my house and I took in her apparel: She had opted for a dark denim miniskirt and a matching long-sleeved button up that she had pushed the sleeves up on. She was taking my suggestion to show off a bit more, if her outfit was anything to go by.

“You look rather nice today. Did you wear the skirt just for me?”

“I might’ve.” She smiled. “Maybe I just felt like it.”

“Either way, I like it. Very southern chic.”

“Well thank ya. I’d compliment ya on what you’re wearin’, but it’s a bit late now.”

“Never too late for a compliment, love. Though you are right in this case; it would come off as disingenuous now.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. How was your visit with Twi?”

“It was nice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you came back, but I never spend enough time with Twilight or Spike. Not like I should do, at least, seeing as how they took me into their home when I first got here.”

“Well, as far as I know you’ve been a busy little bee, Max. Don’t stay still for too long.”

“I tend not to.” I was tempted to take her hand, but I reminded myself that she was supposed to be my friend, though I felt like I wanted more. I chalked it up to dependency issues and held steady, not wanting to alienate her.

We walked and chatted a bit more, Applejack telling stories that I hadn’t heard before, and I talked about some of my crazier exploits in my past life, like the time I had been caught by a gang of old ladies. That story was a little on the strange side and isn’t worth writing down now, but maybe I’ll tell it later. Lupa got stung by a bee, which was pretty funny, but nothing else mentionable happened on the trip back.

We took up our positions on the swing and Lupa laid down where she had been before. The sun had started to get a bit warmer and the day was shaping up for a warm one, so we enjoyed it while it lasted. It was a nice morning. After awhile, we took the party inside and Lupa rushed over to the couch, claiming it as her own before Applejack and I could sit down. I tried to move her, but since she was so damn big, I had a hard time doing so. Eventually I gave up and sat in the loveseat, trying to make as much room for Applejack as I could. Instead of sitting beside me, she sat on my lap and put her legs over the side of the loveseat..

“I would ask why you’re sitting on me, but that would sound like I’m complaining.” I said lightly.

“It’d be a little tight if I sat next to ya, and since Lupa stole the couch, this seems a lot more comfortable.” Lupa huffed and rolled over on her back, stretching out on ‘her’ spot.

“That’s right, pup, we’re talking about you.” I chuckled.

Applejack grabbed my arm and laid my hand on her thigh, brushing the dorsal side with her thumb. I took the hint and remembered how she liked to be stroked. Like the dirty girl she was.

“Have I already told ya that I like it when you do that?” She asked playfully.

“I think so, but it never hurts to hear that I’m doing something right.”

“You say that like ya make a lot of mistakes.”

“I do, I just play them off well. It’s hard to tell when you’re as good at it as I am.”

“Well, you gotta be good at it, ‘cause I can’t name that many. I’m pretty good about pointin’ mistakes.”

“You have to be when you run a business, love. It doesn’t take many to make the whole thing fall apart.”

“I guess you’re right on that.” She pretended too think for a moment and pushed my hand a little higher so that I was now brushing up against her skirt.

I lifted a brow and continued. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to send me a message?”

Applejack played dumb. “I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. I just moved your hand a little bit.”

“Riiight.” I stroked slightly further, nudging her skirt. “Is it just preference?”

“Maybe. Just see what you like, and I’ll tell you if I like it too.”

I was feeling a bit frisky, so I switched it up, moving my hand in a tight swirling motion that reached into her inner thigh, but didn’t dip into her skirt.

“How’s that?”

“I like it, but you know you can go higher, right?”

“I don’t know, that seems like it would be a violation of your personal space.” I joked.

“I’m practically sitting you, sugarcube. I don’t think personally space is the issue here.”

“Fair enough.” I pushed her skirt up a few centimeters and kept the same motion, focusing more on her inner thigh now.

Applejack tapped her chin. “Hmmm.That’s a little better.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled her closer, causing her to sit up a bit as I reached for her other thigh, stroking the outside now.

“I think I like the other way better.”

I gave up trying to be subtle and pushed her skirt up, exposing more of her thighs as I went back to the one I had started on. I varied how I caressed her, going straight or circular, alternating every few strokes. Applejack bit her lip as she watched me avoid her privates. I hadn’t looked at her undergarments though they were somewhat visible now, focusing on foreplay. The soft fur of her inner thigh as nearly intangible, feeling more like smooth skin that actual fur. I found that much to my liking, taking my time as each stroke reached there.

“I like that a lot. Please do that more often.” She murmured softly in my ear.

I gently squeezed her thigh by way of response

Lupa looked over to see just what the Hell we were doing and rolled off the couch into the guest room. I guess she didn’t want to be present for what was to come, not that I blamed her. I kept swirling closer and closer to Applejack’s sex, each pass causing her breath to hitch as she anticipated the final stroke that would bring her the contact she so desired. I teased her brutally, keeping my caresses long and slow until I felt the soft fabric of her under garments. I gave Applejack a little smirk and she smile back, biting her thumb. I gently rubbed the semi-moist fabric, maintaining the motion I had set. If I was going to do this, I was going to make sure she got the most of the experience. My circular strokes slowly devolved into rubbing her through her now slightly damp panties, which was rewarded with a pleasant kiss from the orange mare. The kiss was so distracting along with the stress of my rigid member, that I nearly stopped, but I split my focus and kept going.

“You know, we can take this into my room and see if you really do taste like apple pie.”

“What’s the big rush?” Applejack didn’t move, instead holding my hand where it was. “I’m likin’ this.”

“No rush,” I pressed my finger against her soft lips, “I can’t exactly complain about anything right now.”

She ran her hand down my chest as I continued, scooting a bit so she could have easier access to my neck and face, peppering them with little kisses. I slipped finger behind the sodden layer of fabric and felt the warm, slippery folds beneath. Applejack nibbled on me gently as I started touching her directly which was an odd sensation since her teeth were mostly flat. Her little moans and shivers encouraged me to dip further down, teasing her entrance as much as I could with my restricted access, though I paid careful attention the the little nub that was beginning to protrude a little higher. I circled my finger tip around it lazily, rubbing it with the full length of my finger when I stroked between her lips. I looked up at Applejack when she stopped nibbling and kissing my neck, seeing that she was biting her lip and gazing at me lustfully. I kept eye contact and raised my busy finger to my lips and licked it. I lifted my eyebrows and was shocked to find that she didn’t taste like apple pie.

“Caramel apples?” I asked. She looked at me like I was stupid and swung her legs off of me, taking me by the hand and practically dragging me to my bedroom.

“What happened to enjoying the moment?”

“I thought about it and realized how long it’s been since I’ve had decent sex, which was never.”

“That’s a good enough reason for me.” I picked up the pace.

Applejack was about too throw me onto the bed when I pulled her tail, making her fall onto the bed. She rolled over, looking rather confused as I closed the small distance between us. I put a hand on each thigh and trailed upwards until she spread her legs. I saw then that she was wearing dark red cotton panties that were darker in the middle and quickly removed them from her person, tossing them to the side.

“I don’t know what you’re doin’, but I think I like it.” She said huskily.

“Have you never had a guy go down on you before?”

She seemed unfamiliar with the concept. “I don’t think so.”

“Then I’m glad to be your first.” I grinned and knelt between her legs, kissing my way up her thigh and around her sex before I gave her clit a lick. I was certain now that she did not taste like apple pie or caramel apples for that matter; it was definitely apple fritters. I briefly wondered if breakfast had anything to do with that as I teased her lips with my tongue and her honeypot with a finger. Her hand met my mop of hair and gripped it tightly, mushing my face into her vulva. I tapped her thigh twice and she let go,

“You’ve got too let me work my magic, love. You’ll appreciate it soon enough.”

“I really don’t wanna wait for ‘soon enough’. Be happy I ain’t just jumpin’ your bones!”

“I am, but just relax and enjoy the ride. It’ll be worth it, trust me.

She sighed heavily. “Fine, just stop teasin’ me!”

I rolled my eyes and went back to work, swirling my tongue around her clit as I searched for her G-spot. Once I found it, the game was on and I switched, my tongue now licking her wet lips as I rubbed and pinched her clit. She shuddered and moaned, surprising me with a small orgasm early on that only served to galvanize me, increasing my efforts. I worked happily, taking pleasure in each noise she made as I lapped at the sweet nectar she was releasing. All too soon, Applejack took a handful of my and pressed my face against her as she rode through another orgasm.

I was happy to keep going, but she pushed my head away and closed her legs, unbuttoning her shirt clumsy with shaky fingers. I cleaned my hands and wiped her juices off of my chin and helped her, my deft hands making quick work of her little buttons. She shrugged the shirt off and exposed the red plaid brazier that lie beneath before she unzipped her skirt and did away with that as well. I kissed her and grabbed her hands, preventing her from undoing her own bra so that I could have the pleasure. I took my time in removing it and guided our kiss back to my pace when she tried too hurry it.

“Relax, Applejack. We’re not on the clock.” I smirked

“I know, I’m just not used too waiting so long.” She looked at me, pleading with her eyes for me to get on with it, but I kept going on my own time.

Once she was fully naked, she all but tore my clothes off of me, though she thankfully calmed down once she had my member in her hands. She worked it more gently than I thought possible at the moment before she licked the tip, guiding it into her mouth with ease, even relaxing her throat so she could take it all the way down to the base. I moaned my approval and ran my hand through her hair, letting her do as she pleased since I doubted that she could get me off with her mouth.

Then she really started.

Applejack bobbed her head along the first few centimeters along the tip, stroking me with her hand as she looked me in the eyes while doing it. She circled her tongue around the tip, the wide, flat muscle wrapping around my member. She either knew what she was doing, or was guessing very well, but in any case, it was phenomenal. I gently extracted my member from the warm, demanding chasm of her mouth and she pouted.

“I was enjoyin’ that.” She pouted.

“Don’t you want to get to the main event?”

Her pout turned into a sultry smile and she grabbed my arm, pulling me down on top of her. Swiftly, she swapped positions with me and my rod was enveloped between her sodden lips. In lieu of roughly jamming my member into herself as I expected, she undulated her hips, coating my stiff, throbbing member with her honey. I was ready for her to stop teasing me now, but the mischievous smile she bore said that I would have to endure for a little longer than I'd anticipated. I reached down and gently nudged her hood back to expose her clit completely. At the brush of my fingertips against her most sensitive area, Applejack jolted, ceasing her grinding on my shaft as she looked at me in confusion. I grinned up at her and pinched the nub softly, causing her too shudder.

Applejack was done with the pregame show and was ready to begin in earnest, gingerly placing my tip against her wet entrance, easing down the full length of my shaft. Every centimeter was like a completely different ordeal, and with every twitch of her inner muscles, I felt something different. She was tight in a different way than any other woman I had been with. years of labor that would render lesser people broken had made her unique, and that alone pushed my stamina to its limits. I held on for dear life, thinking of mutilated kittens and reciting the multiplication table until I could say it in my sleep. I loved every second. Holding her thighs as she bucked, my eyes saw clearly every minute detail: the bounce of her breasts, the sweat on her brow, the ragged state of her breath. My worries had long faded into nothing and my focus was narrowed into making the woman on top of my enjoy this fleeting moment much as I was.

We had set a perfectly fine pace, but if I knew Applejack, she would want it faster and harder in a way that I could accomplish due to my experience, so when she set her hips and gyrated, I made my move and pulled her down, rising from the outside while keeping us connected. Her eyes wide, I lifted her leg and positioned myself so that I could use my full length, thrusting faster and deeper than she had been able to achieve from being on top. Her mewls of approval fueled me to perform.

I preserved the position until Applejack let out a cried out, naming Celestia as her deity of choice which I found to be in very poor taste. I chose to ignore it and pulled out once her climax subsided, giving myself a bit of much need respite as I monitored her reaction. She was recovering quickly, though she seemed done for the time being until she picked herself up and grabbed my shoulders, pulling me in for an ardent kiss, her chest heaving against mine.

Applejack pulled away, but held my waist. “Most stallions just sit back and enjoy the ride, but you. You sure as hay ain’t no stallion.”

“Thank you, but I hope you’re not done with just that. I still haven’t gotten off yet.”

Her eyes lit up and she beamed. “However ya like it, go for it. I know you won’t disappoint.”

I smirked. “You’ll like this one, then.”

I instructed her too lay face down and perch her well toned arse high in the air and spread her legs, entering her in the oceanic. I started easily, relishing the still slicker folds of her honeypot with every patient stroke. She bucked against my hips, eager to feel the bliss of another climax, so I matched her and brought my hand none too lightly down upon her firm posterior. Applejack yelped cutely and grinned.

With no further impetus needed, I continued my assault on her athletic bottom, careful not to swing too hard lest I actually hurt her, but she seemed eager for more. Applejack’s fingers flurried over her clit, causing her too shudder through yet another small orgasm as I relentlessly gave her my best. I was finally nearing my limit again, and it felt wondrous. Applejack had been moaning in a low voice for some time, seemingly never stopping, but I was about too come too my own climax, hilting deeply into her and releasing my seed deep within her welcoming walls. Her inner muscles squeezed every last drop out of me, and once she had felt me stop, she fell over on her side, bringing me down with her for fear of breaking my most important bone.

“Dear Celestia, you’re gonna wear a mare out if ya keep it up like that.” Applejack weakly wheezed.

I looked up at the clock in my room. We had been going for nearly two and a half hours.

“Time flies when you’re having fun.” I realized then just how out of breath I was and relaxed into the pillowy confines of my bed. “I thought you wanted a guy with stamina?”

“I did and still do, but I’m so sensitive, I think I’d get off again if ya pulled out. It’s been way too long.”

“Maybe we’ll have too make this more of a regular thing, then.”

Applejack chuckled. “We might have too. Never thought I’d enjoy gettin’ spanked.”

“Few people ever do until they try it when they’re not in trouble.” I palmed her positive perfect posterior as my member softened. I finally pulled out and Applejack twitched, moaning one more time.

“I think I need a shower.” Applejack said airily.

“Care to join me? I’m told I’m an expert back washer.”

“Keep your hands where I can see ‘em and I’m in.”

“That’s not fair! How often do you look at your arse?” I teased.

“Not often enough by your standards. That’s the only exception I’m givin’ ya for now.”

I assisted her out of bed and into the shower where I most certainly did not keep my hands to myself, despite Applejacks false protests. I found it odd that I often shared a shower with a woman after sex, but I chalked it up to preferring to be clean rather than smelling of sex and sweat for the rest of the day. I proved my boasts as back washer, however, and we finished up before I could find another way to tease her without dipping below her hips.

We spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling and teasing each other, though we never went to the extent that we gone to before. I respected Applejack’s wishes and directed my attention to leaving my thoughts behind. An odd conundrum, to direct one’s thoughts away from thinking, but one that Applejack went a long way in helping me accomplish. She stayed until nightfall, bidding me goodbye in favor of Rarity who was taking a couple of days off to watch over me. I suppose I should have felt embarrassed about needing to be supervised by my friends, or that I had been such a knob to them when they were only trying to help, but I barely remember doing most of it and only received the information I used to complete my journals from them at a later date.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rarity and I bid Applejack a fond farewell and settled in for the night. Her outfit was quite alluring; a black deep V-neck and a matching black knee length skirt with some kind of stockings. I like stockings. I made us some mashed potatoes and salad for dinner since I never kept much in the way of pony food around, and we had a nice meal, though it was on the quiet side. I had opened up the windows in my room and kept the door shut, but I still occasionally caught the warm, musky scent of sex every now and again and by the look on Rarity’s face throughout dinner, she noticed it as well.

“So what have you been up to today, Rarity? “ I asked after I had finished.

“Oh, nothing much. Working ahead on a few orders, finishing up your request. Matters of little consequence too a non-fashion oriented pony such as yourself.”

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t care to hear what you’ve been up to. I consider you a good friend, and the least I can do is ask about your work, especially some of the finer details of seamstress...ing?” I swear, she couldn’t take a hint worth a damn. I just wanted to get too know her a bit before I laid her like a proper gentleman, and she was making the task more difficult that it needed to be.

“Max, I’m well aware that you’re not interested in my work.” She stated plainly. “Though I do appreciate your consideration, I wouldn’t bore you with the drab details of my everyday life.”

“You say that like I know what your everyday life is like, bonny. Tell me, how do you start your mornings?”

Rarity looked flattered and began speaking of her favorite subject. “Well, I start my morning by washing off the facial mask I use nightly. A mare needs to look her best, and I find that it gives my face the perfect glow! After that, I begin my morning routine, make breakfast for my sister and I, and from there I start my work day.”

“So what does your morning routine involve? It can’t be as simple as brushing your hair a few times.”

“My heavens, it most certainly is not!” She rambled on about minute tasks that I could never remember, even if I was trying too catalogue my experiences in this new world down to every minute detail. It was that boring.

“Max? Are you listening?” She asked with a scowl.

“I got lost in thought after mascara, I think. Your efforts are truly astounding, Rarity, though I do wonder what you look like without your ‘face’ on. It must be hard, improving upon perfection, that is.” I smoothly complimented.

Her face reddened and she diverted her eyes. “Thank you, but I assure you that flattery will only get you so far with me.”

“How far will it get me exactly? Because if it earns me a seat next to you, I would happily flatter you until you tire of my voice and beg for my silence.” I offered her a cheeky grin.

“I may start begging sooner rather than later if you keep it up. As much as I love an honest compliment, I can’t help but feel that you’ve an ulterior motive.”

“Besides trying to get to know you a bit better and see how you react, there’s nothing else. Believe me, I have no hidden agenda.”

“I thought perhaps you were trying to prove Macintosh correct with his assumptions.” She calmly sipped her drink.

“You say that as if I would sleep with anyone just because they asked. You already know better, Rarity.” I was mildly offended by her words.

“Well, I happen to have the vaguest of notions that you performed certain acts with Applejack earlier today.”

“Your notion is correct. Did I not tell you that Applejack and I had a similar agreement to our own?”

“Don’t you take that tone with me, Max!” Bitch, my voice is dead.

“No tone meant, bonny. I really don’t recall if I told you.”

Rarity had the good grace to look abashed. “Oh.”

“What’s really going on, Rarity? You told me that you were fine with sharing. I’m not exactly going to try and sleep with you right after I’ve spent the day with another woman anyway. I’m just trying to show interest, to let you know that I care.”

“...I suppose I’ve just been a bit curious about what happened between yourself, Applejack and Twilight before I came over.” She found great intrigue in the grain of my kitchen table. “I’m not fond of being left out of the loop, especially when it involves my friends.”

I sighed and looked at her. “If you really want to know, I was blackout drunk, and verbally assaulted Applejack and Twilight when they came over to see why I was being such a prick in town. Then once they came inside, I physically assaulted Applejack, broke a few fingers, and had too be retrained and healed by Twilight. Sometime after that, I threatened Twilight and spat in Applejack’s face. I’m sure you can see why neither of them wanted too tell you.”

“Oh. Oh my.” Rarity looked shocked.

“That’s just what they told me and what little of it I remember. That’s why you girls have been watching over me; To make sure I don’t flip the fuck out again.”

“...You’re taking this awfully well, all things considered.”

“I’ve been keeping my mind off of it by talking as much as possible, listening when I’m not. Trying to focus on the moment and not let myself get overwhelmed.”

“I always have an ear for you, darling, and a shoulder if you need it.” Rarity smiled kindly at me.

I replied with a melancholy one of my own. “There’s only so much talking can do, bonny.”

“I know, but I think you could do with a bit more of it. Not about the topical matters, mind, but about what’s really weighing on your heart. I know you feel that the Princess betrayed your trust and love, but perhaps that isn’t the case.”

“I can only fool myself for so long. I’d rather deal with it now than turn it into a drawn out affair that only aches that much longer.”

Rarity took a deep breath. “I doubt that you want to hear this, but you should talk to her. You can’t avoid it forever.”

“Who said I was avoiding anything? I haven’t talked to Celestia because she hasn’t returned to correct me. That’s why I think I’m right, Rarity. No one gets that mad over a lie.”

We stayed silent for a few minutes, Lupa’s pacing in the living room turning into a metronome of sorts. I was about to speak again when I heard her pacing cease and turn into growling. Deep and feral, I had heard it once or twice before and it was as equally bone chilling as it had been the last time I’d heard it. There were a few soft knocks at my door and the empty hole where my heart had once been contracted until it could fit on the head of a pin, drawing the breath from my lungs. I felt like I was suffocating, helpless. Rarity looked between myself and the door, deciding that I needed a friend more than the door needed answered at the moment. Her words were sounded like she was whispering through cotton, dull and soft. There was no way anyone's timing could be more shitty. Or more perfect, depending on your point of view.

Lupa’s growling turned into thunderous barking, scaring Rarity to the point she hid behind me, distancing herself from the apex predator that seemed to grow even larger. I shook like a leaf as I stood and tried to regain control of my senses, my movements awkward and jerky. Lupa calmed somewhat as I passed her and patted her head numbly, though she followed me to the door with her thick coat swishing against me. I opened the door and the person I wanted to see the least stood there.

The luster in her once glorious mane faded, completely stilled as though the intangible breeze that once blew through it had stopped dead in its tracks. Her fur seemed dingy and dull, rather than the brilliant white I had known, and even her choice in apparel seemed to speak of faltering confidence. We stood and stared, neither of us daring to so much as breathe in the others presence lest our respective toxicities mingle and become a whole new poison.

Lupa howled, but her vocalization of her hatred fell on deaf ears. She and I were in our own world, our own dimension as we took in and digested the appearance of the other, but we couldn’t speak. It felt as if breaking the silence first would make our words worthless to the both the other and ourselves.

“Princess?” Rarity called out from behind me.

We both looked at her with an emptiness that made her back into the kitchen, and out the door to my porch. I turned back to Celestia. We looked into each others eyes and I had to know.

“Are you using me?”

“No.” Her eyes welled with tears and my heart ached I knew that I had caused her pain like that of which she had given too me.

“Did you mean what you said?” She asked, her voice thick with emotion.

“Yes.” The tears that had been in her eyes sprung forth, but before she could get away from me, I embraced her.

“I love you. I love you, and I don’t care, Celestia.” I whispered into her ear. She wrapped her arms around me after a minute of silent sobbing and began again in earnest.

We stood in the threshold as she weeped in my arms like I had with Applejack, and I held her for what felt like hours. I didn’t mind. I had felt the honesty in her words and seen it in her eyes. At the very least, I owed her some comfort. When she finally stopped, she looked up at me.

“How can you love me if you know I’m evil?” She hiccuped

“Because,” I wiped the tears from her face, “I’m evil too. There’s good within people like us, Celestia, we just have to work harder than anyone else to show it. It’s because we’re alike that I can recognize you for who you are. I see you, Sunbutt. Not the facade you put up for your subjects, but the woman behind the mask.”

Celestia broke out into tears again. “Why do you have to be so honest now? Why didn’t you just lie? I would have felt so much better for it.”

“I want to be a better man for you, and honesty is a part of the process. You can’t hide the truth from yourself and ever expect too really be happy.”

She held me tight and I stroked her mane, singing the lullaby I had learned for my brother while he was in his coma. It wasn’t a happy song, but it fit the tumultuous relationship we had.

I brought her inside and took her into the guest room, the only place that hadn’t been soiled by arguments or sex in my home. We sat together for a long time, trying to make sense of what in the bloody fuck we were. I still felt that I was poisonous to the people around me, infecting them with my darkness, while Celestia felt as if she were a fire that burned anyone who wasn’t cautious enough. In essence, we felt the same way about ourselves, and without speaking on it, we both just knew.

“We’re a fucking mess.” I chuckled mirthlessly

“We are. Love is hard.” Celestia sighed.

“It is.”

“...I’m going to miss you when you die.”

“What the fuck?” I whipped my head to Celestia and her eyes widened.

“I meant of old age! I didn’t mean that I was going to kill you or anything!”

“You worry me. You say things like that and I feel my lifespan shrink.” I rubbed my chest.

“Don’t joke about that.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I left before I said anything. I just…”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I was out of line, I was just…”

We both sighed.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Celestia apologized.

“I’m sorry I accused you of something you didn’t do.”

“Are we okay, Max?”

“No, we’re both fucked up individuals, but we’re fucked up individuals that love each other, so of course we clash every now and then.”

“Right. I really want to make this work.”

“So do I.”

We glanced at each other awkwardly. I reached for her hand, and she allowed me too hold it.

“I’ll think twice about what I say from now on. I didn’t mean to take jabs at you, but you know that protecting Applejack was warped.”

“This from the guy who agreed to buck her after she nearly killed him?”

“She’s good in bed, what can I say?”

“So it’s her that I’m smelling. How was she?”

“Rather good, actually. She tends to mess up the pacing and rush things or draw them out longer than needed, but she was fun.”

“Huh.” Celestia squeezed my hand a few times. “Is she better than me?”

“No. You’re still number one.”

“That’s why you really want me, isn’t it?” She pretended to be offended. “You just want me for my body!”

“What can I say, it’s the best body I’ve ever laid eyes on. Not too slim, not too plump, not too soft, not too toned. You’re just right.”

“Thank you, every mare loves to be complimented on her body and her body alone.” Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Hey now, you just haven’t given me the chance to say anything about your fun personality!”

“Just fun?”

“Well, I could say that you’re impish, sly, artful, and compassionate, but I don’t know if I could fit all of that into a few succinct words.”

“You could always try instead of being lazy.”

“You could always do it yourself, to. I swear, having all those servants waiting on you hand and foot has turned you into quite the sloth.”

She huffed. “Better a sloth than a monkey! At least sloths are cute!”

“Monkies are cute too, they just don’t grow algae from never moving!”

“Sloths do move! They just do so when they feel the need to rather than bandying about for no reason.”

“Unless that reason is for cake, I don’t see you move too often.” I poked her side and she scowled at me playfully.

“And unless it’s for sex, I don’t see you doing much either!”

“I take walks!”

“Trolling for a piece, perhaps.”

Celestia and I went back and forth for a while longer, patching up the holes we’d made in our hearts piece by piece with more jokes and jibes. We really needed to stop giving ourselves reasons to do that, but it was just the process we seemed to go through. It wasn’t a healthy relationship by far, seeing as how we could only speak half of our minds to each other, but I wasn’t with Celestia because I expected things to sunshine and daisies all the time.

“So where do you think Rarity went?” I asked.

“I believe she’s right there.” Celestia pointed at the window behind me and I turned around, catching the other white mare off guard. She meekly waved and I gestured for her too come in.

“You know, I have some pretty good friends, even if they are nosier than an anteater.”

“That’s the way most mares are. You struck gold in that respect when it comes to me.” Celesta primped her hair, a little of its luster returning.

“Right.” I gave her a droll stare. “Before Rarity comes in, have you managed to find someone else for that Gryphonia job?”

“Yes.” She said.

“You answered that far too quickly. I’ll talk to Luna on the details if you don’t want to be involved.”

“That is most definitely not a good idea. She’s very upset with you, which is why I came over. She told me to either suck it up and talk to you, or she was just going to deal with you herself.”

“Oh. Angry sister. Right. Well, if you can convince her to not kill me, I’ll get the job done asap. Nothing like a quick trip to a land that hates me, right?”

“I don’t believe anyone in the Gryphon lands hate you, but I forbid you to do this task.” Celestia looked resolute. “I have struck an agreement with Luna, and she will infiltrate Gryphonia. She is far more capable of the task than any of our Operatives.”

“If she could have done it in the first place, why did you even ask me? And what changed your mind about me doing it?” I ignored the fact that she said ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’, though I did find it odd.

“It was Luna’s suggestion that you do so, and we both thought it improper for a Princess of a peaceful country to assassinate a king from a neighboring country. I may have given her an ultimatum regarding to whom would complete the mission.”

There were two soft knocks at the door and I turned to Celestia.

“If I need to, I’ll talk to Luna myself. It would hurt you more to lose a sister than me, and I refuse to put you through that kind of pain.”

I stood and opened the door with Celestia following me. Rarity smiled sheepishly and ran a hand through her perfectly coiffed mane.

“So… Are you two…?” She asked tentatively.

I looked back at Celestia who was quite unhappy with me. “We’ve been better, but we’re getting through it.”

“We are not. I meant what I said, Max.”

“And so did I.” Celestia glared at me and I shrugged. “It’s safer for you my way.”

She brushed past me muttering dark things in a language I was unfamiliar with and put her hand on my easy chair.

Rarity and I looked at her. “What are you doing?” I asked, wary.

“Say you won’t, or I’m turning your favorite chair into a decoration on the moon. It’s a one of a kind, Max, you won’t find another like it.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“What?” Rarity asked, looking between us.

“I would. I would and I will.”

“I’ll sic Lupa on you. I swear to everything you hold dear.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “I’m an Alicorn, Max. I could swat her across town without trying.”

“I would be more upset about that than the chair. A lot more, actually.”

“Then I suggest that you stay put in Ponyville to make sure I don’t do that.”

“Are you seriously threatening my pupper? Because that is not the way to get anywhere with me.”

“And doing something I forbade you to do is no way to get anywhere with me. Why can’t you just respect my wishes? I’ll even forgive you if you just stay put.”

She had me there. “Fine. I won’t go anywhere.”

Lupa cocked her head from the couch and Rarity looked more confused.

“I’m glad we could reach and agreement. I’ll visit again soon.”

“HOLD UP!” I yelled at the top of my lungs

Celestia and Rarity jumped hard at the sudden shout. “What?” Celestia asked.

“Walk out the door, don’t just teleport. That shit bothers me.”

She gave me a long-suffering look. “You’re an idiot.”

I grinned at her. “I’m your idiot. Get used too it, hun.”

She rolled her eyes, but still did as I asked. She left the door open and made sure I was looking at her before she teleported.

“Did you just have an argument with the Princess?” Rarity asked incredulously.

I went over too shut the door. “I did. She’s the lover I had to ask before we entered our agreement. Really charming, isn’t she?”

I heard a thud and Lupa skittered off of the couch. When I turned around, Rarity was on the floor and Lupa licked her face. She only did so once, and promptly open the bathroom door. I’ve never heard a wolf vomit, so that was interesting. I couldn’t just leave poor Rarity where she was, so I dragged unceremoniously to the guest room and somehow managed to get her on the bed. I’d never been one much for powerlifting, so it took a few tries, but I succeeded. The ponies might be around my height and shorter, but dear God are they dense.

I went back into my living room and caught my journals up while Rarity was working on coming to. I was petting Lupa when she came out rubbing her head and her waist.

“Why do I ache so badly? And how did I get into that room?”

“You fainted and I carried you.” I rubbed my nails on my shirt and inspected them.

“That may explain why my head hurts, but why does my waist hurt?”

“Ponies are heavy.” I shrugged.

“Well I never!” I rolled my eyes and walked over to her, jumping into her arms.

She panicked and caught me easily. “Oh. Would you look at that.”

“See what I mean?” I gave her a peck on the cheek and she dropped me on my arse quite rudely.

“Well, ow. You could’ve just put me down.”

“Oh, I’m sorry darling, but you were just so heavy.” She sniffed.

“It’s literally a difference in our physiology, you pudgy twat.” I got up rubbing my coccyx and flipped her the two finger salute.

“I am not pudgy!”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’d say you’re more chubby than pudgy.”

“You take that nonsense back right now, you brute!”

“I would consider it, but the pain in my bum is rather distracting.”

“You’re simply insufferable! How anypony manages to tolerate you is beyond me. To think, I even allowed you to gaze upon my physique!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say bonny. If I tell you that you have a slim, lovely figure, will you shut up?”

“I most certainly will not! How is this the stallion that was so charming before?” She asked no one in particular.

“Well, before you so kindly dropped me, I felt like being nice.”

“I will apologize for dropping you if you apologize for calling me fat.” She huffed.

“You dropped me first!”

“You said I was heavy!”

“Your bones are damn near twice as dense as mine, if what Celestia told me was right. To me, you are heavy, but to a pony, I’m sure you’re as light as a feather.”

“That sounds like a paltry excuse.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sorry I’m not as strong as one of you Rainbow-Brite bastards, but that’s just the way I am.”

“...Are you saying I’m stronger than you?”

I really didn’t like the look in her eye. “Yes? And?”

“I don’t believe I’ve met many stallions I could overpower.” A smile grew on her face, and I remembered that she was in estrus for a few more days.

“Try it and I’ll cut you.”

“With what knives, darling?”

Fuck.

“...Let’s talk this out like adults, yeah?”

“I believe you lost that option when you called me chubby.”

Rarity walked towards me slowly and I waited until she was about half a meter away before bolting towards the door. It took me a bit to realize that I was running nowhere fast, a few inches off of the ground.

“Where are you going, Max? I just want too show you some affection.”

“Magic is cheating!”

“It’s not my fault you don’t have it. Blame fate instead of me.” She said sweetly, floating me off towards my room.

I was suddenly very glad that I had washed my linens so that I wouldn’t be laying in a wet spot from earlier, but I couldn’t help worrying that Rarity was going to do something to me that I didn’t want. I didn’t take her for a rapist, but estrus was supposed to make mares do things they wouldn’t normally do, and my heart pounded. I held hope that she was just going to toy with me for a bit, let me go, and we could have a laugh about it later.

Rarity gently placed me on my bed and hopped on top of me, releasing her magic when she had my arms above my head.

“Please tell me you’re not going to hurt me.” I asked, shaking slightly

“Just your pride, darling.” She grinned devilishly and started peppering kisses all over my face, leaving a bit of her lipstick where her lips made contact.

I scrunched up my face and tried to free myself, unable to do much since she was sitting on my hips. Then the real torture started. She gave my face a long, slow lick that was even weirder because of her wide tongue. I gave her a ‘what the fuck’ look and she giggled.

“I’m having so much fun!”

“I’m really not. Can you stop now?”

“I could stop at any time.” She did not stop, but she did take both of my wrists in one hand and start tickling me.

It was awful, but not as bad as I had been expecting. My worries were abated until she grabbed me. I felt the blood rush to my face and her smile widened.

“I am not okay with this.”

“Oh relax, I wouldn’t go any further without your consent.”

She didn’t remove her hand.

“...I’m not consenting.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and gave me a peck on the lips, letting my hands go as she moved back a little to sit on my thighs. I sat up and wrapped my arms around her waist, and she put her own on my shoulders. She gave me another, longer kiss.

“I’m sorry I called you pudgy.”

“I’m sorry I dropped you. I must say, you’re quite fun when I’m in control.”

“That was terrifying Rarity. I don’t like being powerless; I thought you were going to rape me for a bit.”

Her eyes widened. “I would never do such a thing!”

“Fear isn’t rational, bonny. I just hate being subject to someone else’s will.”

Rarity looked abashed. “I didn’t know.”

I gave her a kiss. “It’s okay. Just remember that I’m not much of a sub, though I wouldn’t mind if you took control every once in awhile. It’s just something I’ll have to get used to.”

“I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You make me uncomfortable in my pants every time I see you.”

Rarity blushed and lightly smacked my shoulder. “Do you ever say anything that isn’t perverse?”

“I do, it’s just more fun my way rather than the proper way. Is this the cuddling that you wanted, or did you have something else in mind? Because I’m rather fond of this.”

“Well, I did have something else in mind, but I’m enjoying myself as well.” She had a pensive look on her face.

“Do you have a question?”

“Well, I was just wondering…”

“Yes?”

“How many mares are you in this sort of relationship with?”

“Just Applejack, Celestia, and yourself. I really don’t want to add anyone else to that list. I’m not sure I could handle it.”

She perked up a bit. “Well, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to do so, if you wanted. Most stallions who engage in these kinds of things often see mares numbering in the double digits.”

“Again, not a stallion. I’d prefer to keep the list small with women I actually like, rather than sleeping around with near strangers.”

“How much do you really know about Applejack and I?”

“I know a good bit about Applejack now since we spent most of the day talking, but you weren’t terribly receptive when I asked about your personal matters.”

“So that was you trying to get to know me?”

“It was. I wouldn’t mind talking to you some more if you don’t mind. You’re an interesting person.”

Rarity preened. “I’m aware of that, though you didn’t seem to think so when I started talking about my morning beautification.”

“I don’t really care much for make up. I’d prefer to see you in your natural state, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the effort that goes into it.”

“I suppose that’s reasonable, but I’ve not allowed a stallion to see me without it since I was younger than Sweetie Belle.”

“Maybe you could give me the honor of being the first?” I wondered who Sweetie Belle was, but I guessed it was the younger sister she had mentioned earlier.

“I’m not sure about that, Max.” She said nervously.

“I won’t pressure you to do something you don’t want to, but the option’s there.” I smiled crookedly at her.

Rarity replied with a little one of her own. “I just worry about what you might think. I have a certain image I would like too maintain.”

I rolled my eyes and licked her nose, causing her to scrunch up her face in the most adorable way. “If I can’t accept you without some goofy face paint, then you need to find a better man.”

She wiped her face off. “I need to find one who won’t lick me!” I don't plan on doing it again. You taste terrible.

“You did the same to me.”

“Yes, but it was more fun when I was giving rather than receiving!”

“I really hope you don’t feel the same way about dick.”

She hit me again and I laughed. “Simply insufferable!” She said with a smile.

“I keep telling people it’s one of my better qualities.”

“I suppose it just takes some getting used to.”

“See?” I put my hands on her hips. “Just an acquired taste. Like coffee!”

“The problem with that is I actually enjoy coffee.”

I squeezed her sides and she started. “Not funny!” She cried.

“Very funny. I swear, sometimes it’s too easy to mess with you.” I gave her a winsome grin.

She huffed playfully. “I would save it for somepony who can’t overpower you.”

“If I did that, I would never get to mess with Ponies.”

“Is that a bad thing? Perhaps messing with ponies stronger than you isn’t such a good idea?”

“Eh, It’s too fun to pass up.”

Rarity pushed me down and hovered over me. “You say that now, but what if somepony hurts you because of it?”

My hands were free since hers were on my chest. I used my freedom to grope the glorious globes that hung above me, and she jerked backwards.

“I guess I’ll just do that. The only males I’ve pissed off since I’ve been here is Macintosh and a few twats in Canterlot, so it should be fine for most situations.”

“You should warn a mare before you do that! I swear, your manners deteriorate further with every word!”

“This from the woman who molested my gentleman’s sausage not even ten minutes ago?” I sat up.

“...Fair point.”

“How about we take this elsewhere? I’m sure a few open windows and a candle haven’t done much too get the smell out of here.”

“I wasn’t giving it much thought until now. Thank you for that.”

She got off of me and I lead the way back into the living room. Lupa was still occupying her space on the couch, and since Rarity was still rather fearful of her, she chose furthest seat away from her until Lupa padded over and sat her head in her lap. Rarity was petrified. Lupa stayed there for a minute or two, looking up at Rarity, but when it became clear that she wasn’t going too move a muscle until she was clear, Lupa came over too me in my easy chair and I gave her the affection she was looking for. Rarity stayed silent and I ended up talking to Lupa for the next thirty minutes or so. She eventually let herself out of the house and Rarity eased up, walking around to calm her hammering heart. I stole her seat while she was doing so, and when she returned, she just gave me a womanly look before sitting on me horizontally like Applejack had done earlier.

I grinned evilly before I pulled the lever, nearly tilting the recliner back onto the floor, but with Rarity had panicked and sat up straight, balancing us. After that little surprise, she lay her head on my shoulder and pinched me, though I wasn’t complaining; I had a lovely woman resting on me without a care in the world. The biggest challenge I had to face now keeping my hands away from her enticing bottom, which proved too difficult to do. She pinched me when I did it, but it was worth the momentary ache.

All in all, it was a pleasant way to spend the evening, though I spent much of it wrapped up in my own mind. I pondered the situation I found myself in with Celestia and found that the more I inspected the night’s events, the more I wanted too see her again. Being apart from her took a small toll on me, and I felt that if we could spend more time together and actually get deep into knowing each other, that we would be much happier for it. Compared to the time I had spent with Applejack and the time I was going to spend with Rarity in the next couple of days, Celestia and I had spent nowhere near that amount of quality time. I would have to bring that up the next time she visited.

Pushing those bothersome reflections aside to be dealt with another time, I directed my attention to the woman that was snoozing peacefully on my chest.

Chapter Seventeen: Viewer Discretion is Advised

Author's Notes:

Another chapter, another week passed. Native American languages are hard to translate since a lot of their words seem to come in phrases rather than singular morphemes. Shit's cool though.

Thanks for the feedback so far, and please continue giving it to me like the dirty birdies you are.

Hope you enjoy the chapter, have a few laughs. So on and so forth.

Stay Cool, Kids.

I awoke with Rarity snuggled up on my chest for warmth in my oddly chilly house. I hadn’t noticed much before, but it always seemed to be just slightly warmer than it was outside, but I attributed that to pony magic being retarded and them not coming up with a proper thermostat. In any case, no matter how bullshit my climate control was, I still had the ever beautiful Rarity to look at for a while and keep me cozy for however long she slept. I wondered if I could convince her to begin her morning routine with a shower including yours truly, but for now, she would be my cuddle buddy and by no means was I upset with that.

I played with her mane, tickled her nose, scratched behind her ear and tickled her side in turns, careful not to wake her up before she had her ‘beauty sleep’. She had told me about her usual facial mask last night, but had left it off in favor of napping with me. I’m sure she had it in the oversize suitcase that she brought along with her for all of two goddamn nights. I had woken up before sunrise, and the clock in my living room told me it was quickly approaching six thirty, making me think about her little sister. I felt terrible about stealing her big sister away from her, especially if Rarity was her primary caregiver like I thought. I didn’t feel like I needed to be supervised any longer and resolved to tell Rarity that she should be with her sister rather than me.

As an only child, I had always hoped to have a sibling of some sort one day, and had found a brother in Max. Of course, even if he was still among the living, there was no way I would ever see him again, unless I somehow got booted out of this magical world. Unease settled in my heart and I felt torn for no real reason. If Max was still alive, would I leave my life in Equestria for him? I had seen a good bit of heartbreak since I had been here, but I was happier than I had ever been in England, though I did find myself looking for reasons to explode early on. I was doing the waffle, my heart wavering between whether or not I would stay or go. The more I pondered it, the more ludicrous returning seemed. Yes, I had an unspoken oath of everlasting loyalty to Max, but even as I loved him, I loved Celestia and the fact that I actually had friends besides the one I’d had in him were all too attractive a prospect. If I could, I’d bring him here and show him a new life, a new way of living rather than the squalor and constant prowling for our next meal, looking for that next succulent hit of adrenaline from doing a job well. My retrospection made me consider just how fucked up I had been when I got here, regardless of how I treated the ponies that didn’t give me the slightest reason to snap at them. Hell, when I looked back upon myself now, I thought of how comparatively calm I had become, despite my increased libido. I had some new morals that I could abide by, and new friends to help me stick with them. Some of those friends were even a bit more.

How odd is it that I’ve had sexual contact with four of my six Ponyville friends?

I was pretty sure that Rainbow was bisexual leaning hard into the lesbian side while Pinkie… No.No. If I was a pedophile or a lolicon, maybe, but stroke either of those, she was never going to make it on my list, and nor was the rather similarly built Rainbow Dash going to. If they weren’t a good twenty centimeters shorter than me and built like tweenagers, I would still say no. I’m the only arrogant one I need in my life, and quite frankly I’m too scared of Pinkie to make a move on her in any sense of the word, not taking the nude hug into account, though I didn’t consider that making a move. It was more or less the only bargaining chip I had if I didn’t want her to prance about town in her birthday suit. No, I most definitely did not put her above doing that. You just never know with her. My stomach churned as I pictured Pinkie naked. I really wanted to keep that image out of my mind. I focused instead on picturing Applejack naked and woke Rarity up, though that may have been my fault.

Rarity yawned and stretched outward instead of upward, thankfully, and dear God, was her morning breath fuck mothering rank. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth and tried to stop my body from seizing up as my poor nose tried to process the absolute filth puree that entered it, doing pretty much anything I could think of to avoid gagging. Just because she had chronic halitosis didn’t mean I didn’t like her; it meant that I would be the big spoon forever and she would never face me if we woke up in the same bed. I had the fleeting contemplation of whether or not her dominant side would allow that to be the case often. I shivered.

“Good morning, darling.” Rarity said sweetly, her breath going on a killing spree.

“Morning, bonny. How’d you sleep?” I managed

“Fantastically. I must say, sleeping on you isn’t as cozy as my bed, but it does have its perks.” She shifted, pressing down on my morning wood.

“I’m sure it does. Having you sleep on me is rather nice. I get to wake up to something lovely first thing in the morning.”

She nuzzled my chest and hummed as I relaxed and savored the moment. She had stopped breathing in my face and that was one of the best feelings in the world, other than sappy bullshit I suppose. I stroked her mane since she hadn’t allowed me to do it much last night for fear of messing it up, and marveled at the thick, voluminous texture. The woman knew how to treat her hair, obviously. If I gave a damn about mine, she’d probably be the one I asked. I briefly ran a hand through my own curls and felt that it strangely resembled hers in a way. When I had lived in England, my hair had always been a bit of a thin, shitty mess, but now it was thicker and less oily. I wondered what the hell they put in pony shampoos to do that. Of course I also had a conditioner to go along with it, unlike previously, so perhaps that was the cause.

My follicle related thoughts were interrupted by Rarity crushing my unfortunate fellow as she got up. In spite of her general softness in comparison to Applejack, the orange mare was well aware that she was heavier than I by far while Rarity either forgot or ignored that fact. I decided not to comment on my discomfort, and stood up myself, stretching and popping like an old man. After I’d stolen her seat last night, we hadn’t really moved much so I was plenty sore when I finally got on my feet. I staggered off to the loo, morning wood gone after its trauma.

I picked out my outfit for the day and way about to hop into the lavatory once more when I found Rarity staring into the mirror, pale faced and half naked. It wasn’t that she could get any paler than white, mind you, but she had removed all of her makeup and I saw her in her native state for the first time. Her beauty took my breath away. Without the blush, the natural gradients of her fur shone uniquely, giving her face the effect of being lit up. Minus the mascara and eye shadow that made her eyes look larger, she seemed more human, more approachable. Gone was the lip stain that had given her mouth a rosy tint, replaced by naturally full, kissable lips.

Rarity’s head whipped in my direction and my words failed me. I crossed myself, despite not being a religious man at the look on her face, which was not unlike that of an angel incensed by the sins of man.

“Get. Out!!”

I just stared blankly, unwilling to let this precious moment go to waste. Rarity shoved me hard and slammed the door as I hit the wall behind me. If I could draw worth a damn, I would spend years trying to recreate what I had seen so I could include it in my journals. I’m leaving a page or two blank in the folds of this one just so I can try later, having seen my muse for the first and quite possibly the last time. I mindlessly wandered into my living room and paced around for a bit. Yes, I knew that Rarity would probably be furious with me for a while but I couldn’t help but believe to the fullest extent that her anger was worth it. I’m sure I’ve gone on far too long about her magnificent appearance without all that crap on her face, but it was truly a sight to behold, one that you could only understand if you saw it for yourself.

I waited for an hour before I tried talking to her through my bathroom door.

I softly knocked twice. “Rarity? Bonny?”

Silence.

“I really hope you didn’t teleport out, that would be rather rude.”

I heard the impact of glass against wood.

“So you are in there… Is there anything I can do to get you to come out?”

“Wait.” She responded

“Okay.” I went back into the living room. Fifteen minutes later, Rarity came back out, dolled up as usual. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

“I do hope you’ll forgive my outburst. A gentlecolt should not see a lady unprepared.”

“This gentleman has filed that memory away. I’ll never forget that, Rarity.”

She cringed visibly. “I rather wish you would.”

I stared at her wide eyed. “Are you serious? Woman, do you even realize how naturally beautiful you are? Men should be breaking each other’s legs just too be the one standing next to you!”

Rarity averted her gaze and hugged herself. “I know.”

There was a story here. Obviously a painful one. “Can I ask about what happened?”

“I would prefer that you not.”

“Then I’ll leave it there.” Something that should have been obvious popped into my head.

“Why are you wearing the same clothes? You brought a massive suitcase with you, but not something else to where?” I said with what I hoped was a disarming smile.

Rarity looked down at herself casually and did a double take. “Oh drat! I forgot to shower in my haste!”

“You call an hour and a quarter haste?”

“Well if somepony didn’t upset me so much, I could have cut the time in half.”

“When I walked in, you were staring at yourself in the mirror. Not exactly making haste”

Rarity gave me a haughty look. “You talk too much.”

“Of course I do. Just get on with it so I can take my shower, that is, if you’re not going to invite me in with you so we can save some water.”

“You are truly incorrigible, Max. Perhaps if I had some water resistant eyeliner, I would consider it further.”

I rolled my eyes. “God forbid I see you without make up again. I don’t think my poor heart could bear the sight.”

“It’s not your heart I’m worried about. Please just let it be.”

“I am, I’m just taking the piss, bonny. No need to worry.”

“Good. In that case, I’ll try to hurry as much as I can.”

Rarity grabbed her suitcase and took it into my guest room leaving me to wonder just where my favorite wolf went. She was getting fond of disappearing when I wasn’t in emotional distress, though when she did take off, I usually found something that hit me in my heart’s soft bits. I thought about that for a bit and wondered what I would face this time unless the incident with Rarity from earlier was the event. If that was all, I could happily deal with it, seeing as how it was more of a plus than anything negative to me. Speaking of Rarity, I wondered why she hadn’t been acting like Twilight or Fluttershy since she was supposed to be in estrus. In fact, I had been in the house with her for some time and hadn’t even noticed a smell other than her perfume, excluding pre-existing odors that I helped cause. It was a curious case that I was going to have to ask her about when she relinquished her bathroom to me.

The Sun was getting rather high by the time she finally came out looking better. I suppose the curative powers of a shower can solve a good many problems. I glanced at her outfit for the day, which was well put together; a white sundress with deep purple accents that went well with her hair and a shawl that seemed as if it had been made for it. She had probably made the set herself with her own tastes in mind. Good tastes indeed.

“The restroom is all yours, darling.” she smiled at me.

“Thanks, I’ll be out in a jiff.”

I took my time in the shower, spending ten minutes or so under the hot water and rubbed some stubble on my chin. Maybe I would grow a beard? Maybe I would shave it all off and keep my boyish charm instead of the mess of scraggly wires that usually came of me trying to have facial hair. I had always wanted a beard, but I saved it for when I was to grow old and grey. Then and only then could I join the ranks of the bearded superiors.

My total time in the shower equaled less than a quarter of Rarity’s, but I still had a habit of getting the affair over with as soon as possible so I couldn’t be terribly surprised anyways. Exiting the restroom, I took two steps into my living room and heard a small chorus of wolf whistles from Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow. I should have been upset that they were in my house without my express permission, but Applejack was pretty great, Pinkie was too terrifying to say anything to, and Rainbow was cool when she wasn’t talking about herself. It’s not like they’re strangers to me, but I would still prefer to be aware of what’s going on in my own house.

“Hullo girls, what brings you over?” I waved.

“We were just thinkin’ about spendin’ the day with ya. Pinkie said you had somethin’ for Twilight that you never got a chance to give her.” Applejack explained.

“Yup! Remember that book we made?” Pinkie gave me a devious grin.

I returned it with my own. “I still have it. Let’s say we go and give it to her now, yeah?”

Rarity looked between me and Pinkie. “What sort of book do you have that would constitute as any sort of prank?”

“One moment, I’ll go grab it.” I headed off into my room and nabbed it from its hiding place, handing it off to Rarity once I returned.

She cracked it open, looking at it skeptically. “It’s blank. You do know that it’s blank, yes?”

“Cast a revealing spell on it!” Pinkie exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow crowded around Rarity to get a look.

Rarity’s horn lit up and she began reading. I found it to be quite the oddity that all three of them took an awful long time to begin blushing, and even then it was simultaneous. That lead me to believe that they were either slow readers or had quite the dirty minds in the first place.

“Which part are you girls at?” I asked after two minutes, looking up at the clock.

“Shh!” Perfectly in unison. They were enraptured by what I had written in all the wrong ways. I was hoping that it would be too cheesy too really enjoy, but I was starting to think that I had basically just written a decent harlequin romance novel. I traded a look with Pinkie who just shrugged, appearing to be just as confused as I was.

“Can you horny hoes put the book down and grab a cold shower? Preferably one that doesn’t involve a hand held shower head?”

Rarity looked up at me with her face bright red. “Just who wrote this part, Max?” She looked over to Pinkie. “I don’t mean to offend, but it doesn’t seem like something either of you could craft.”

“That’s some… Nice work. Very nice.” Rainbows wings were standing at half mast, twitching occasionally.

“Max wrote the first part.” Pinkie said slowly.

“Pinkie wrote the latter half. What the hell is wrong with you three? That has to be the worst porn I’ve ever written!”

“I’m awfully tempted to keep this.” Applejack muttered, “Just so it don’t spoil Twilight’s innocent eyes” She added hastily.

“...I think I know what I’m going to do while I’m here.” A grin creeped its way onto my face.

“I want to read it first!” Rarity exclaimed.

Rainbow looked salty. “Dude! so not fair!”

“Dibs on second!” Applejack grinned.

“Dude!”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Max let me read it before I did my part, and we both laughed.” Pinkie scratched her head.

“I guess we’re just the enlightened few. Hopefully Twilight is one too, or else we just gave her something to hide from Spike.”

Pinkie and I both chuckled at that, but Rarity seemed to hold the book a little closer to her bosom.

“Perhaps you could allow us to… proofread it before you give it to Twilight?”

“Perhaps you could ask to borrow it from her sometime. I already forgot about it once, and really don’t want to wait now. I’ll do some writing when I get back and let you read that, if it makes you feel any better.”

Rarity and Applejack beamed while Rainbow continued looking salty.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Our happy little troupe walked over to Twilight’s, though I was pretty sure that they just wanted to do something. There’s really nothing to do in Ponyville if you’re not reading, shagging, or hanging with your friends, so I lagged behind a bit, trying not to rush the day. Pinkie and Rainbow tried to egg me on to go faster, but I was having none of their shit. It was one thing to rush about if you had other plans for the day, but when I had asked them earlier, it was a collective no from all. Unless they were planning a surprise orgy, I saw no point in going any faster than I was.

Spike answered the door with a weary look on his face, and a haggard droop to his shoulders. Rarity gushed over him and brought him close to her chest and asked the poor fellow just why he looked to worn out. Applejack and Cuntie followed suit, but Rainbow and I waited until they shut the hell up to get to the bottom of it. I felt kinda bad for the guy, since they weren’t really giving him a chance to talk.

“Will you guys shut up? Ask a guy a million questions and he’ll never have the time to answer one. What’s up, Spike?”

“Twilight’s been going crazy, dude. She thinks, for some weird reason, that she isn’t going to be able to send Princess Celestia a friendship report this week and is flipping out about it.”

“I’ll handle it, little man. Mind if we come in?”

“If you can get her to calm down, then you’re welcome to.”

Spike didn’t bother breaking free from Rarity’s squishy grasp as we walked in, and I frankly couldn’t blame the guy. I kinda felt bad about being able to ask her for sex and probably get a yes when he was so head over heels for her, so I made it a top priority never to mention that to the I’m a prick, but not a petty prick.

I told the girls to bugger off so I could talk to Twilight alone for a bit, and they reluctantly did so. I found her in the actual library part of the Treebrary, sorting books with a frantic look on her face. The woman’s hair was a mess, her shirt unevenly buttoned and her skirt only half zipped on the side. It was enough to make me think twice about having no back up while talking to her, but I figured I had to be the one.

“Hey Twilight, you got a minute?”

“Max!” Her eyes lit up when she saw me, but it wasn’t a pleasant light. More like the look in Pinkie’s own eyes most day's. “Could you help me with something?”

“I can. What do you need?”

“I have to write Celestia a letter and-”

“Let’s just stop it right there. I have a topic for you; the value of keeping a cool head in a stressful situation, specifically when you’re wearing out your assistant and worrying your friends.”

The books around her dropped and she lifted a finger to her mouth.

“You know, that actually sounds like a good topic.”

“No shit? I kinda just pulled it out of my arse, but that’s how a lot of great ideas are made.”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve got to get writing! Where’s Spike? I need him to take a note.”

“Take it yourself, love. You’ll save time like that.”

Twilight blushed. “I would, but my hoofwriting isn’t as good as Spike’s.”

“I’m sure Celly will understand, especially if you’re her student. She has to at least have a passing understanding of your penmanship.”

“...She asked me to have Spike take the notes I was going to send to her.”

“Ooh. Yeah, that’s bad. Tell you what; I’ll do it. Just get me a pen and some paper.”

She rushed off to grab the necessary materials and I followed her at a far more sedate pace, passing the main parlor on my way. The girls were staring off after where Twilight had evidently gone.

“She’ll be right as rain in a mo’. I gave her something to write about.” I announced

“What was it?” Spike asked.

I looked at him and then to Rarity. “The value of loving someone.” I said airily.

They both blushed, but Rainbow and Pinkie looked confused. Applejack held back some giggles.

“W-W-Well, Max, I’m honored, but I thought our agreement-”

“Who said I loved you? I just said it was the value of loving someone, nothing more.” I gave Spike a devious grin.

He looked rather panicked, staring wide eyed at me. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with Twilight!”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, I’m dating her teacher, little man. That would be awfully awkward.”

“You’re dating Princess Celestia!?” Rainbow and Cuntie chorused.

“Dude, no way!” Spike added.

“Yeah, I’m dating Celestia. What about it?”

“She’s The Princess!” Rainbow cried.

I looked at her like she was retarded. “She’s A princess. Did you forget about Luna?”

Rainbow glared. “You know what I meant! How did you manage to bag a Princess?”

“Wit, charm, and more flirting than a simile wrapped in a metaphor.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. How do you flirt with a princess? Especially Princess Celestia!”

“You talk to her like a normal woman, duh. You girls act like it’s a personal offense for me to be in a relationship with your ruler.”

“It ain’t that, it’s just surprisin’. Most ponies think the Princess is celibate or that she just keeps it on the down low.” Applejack explained

“She’s not celibate, but she does like to keep things to herself, so if you girls could please keep this information in our little circle, that would be great. That means you too, Spike.”

“Hey! I can keep a secret!” He protested

“I‘m sure you can, which is why I asked in the first place. Gosh, Spike, you sure can be thick sometimes.”

He gave me an bewildered look, but before anyone could explain, Twilight tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the supplies.

“Okay. Max, take note! Dear Celestia, Today I learned that it’s important to take time and relax, especially when you’re coming to the end of a deadline. I had worried so much about whether or not I would be able to send you a report when Max of all ponies gave me something to write about! I also learned from him that you shouldn’t judge somepony by the way they act and speak, but by the content of their charac- OW!” I had pinched her.

“Do you talk this much shit about me often? Or is it just because I tried to be nice?”

Twilight blushed. “I wasn’t doing that!”

Rarity inspected her nails “You rather were, darling. It’s not inaccurate, however”

I shot her a glare.

Twilight couched to get my attention. “As I was saying: the content of their character. I know you shouldn’t really judge a pony in any case, but I find that it’s inevitable in life, so I will resolve myself to do it based on the best aspects of that pony. Max told me that I should try and maintain a ‘cool head’ and try not to worry my friends, which is ironic coming from him, but I- OW! Stop doing that!” She rubbed her arm where I had pinched her in the exact same spot.

“Stop making me sound like an ass! Celestia already knows that part of me rather well.”

Twilight grumbled and shot me a dirty look. “In conclusion, your partner is a buttface, even if he has a few good points. Sincerely, your student, Twilight Sparkle”

I changed the last bit a little, but handed the page off to Spike before Twilight could proofread it. He handed it back to her with a confused look on his face and I shook my head at him. Twilight made quick work of the document until she got to the conclusion.

“...In conclusion, Max is the best and I can’t wait to have a proper turn with him. Sincerely your, Twatlip Spankle?” She looked at me and I grinned.

“How did you misspell my name so badly?”

“He didn’t misspell it,” Rainbow chuckled, “You just misread it!”

“How vulgar! Max, did you forget about Spike being here!?” Rarity accused.

“I figured if neither of them read it, it would be an issue.” I snatched the paper from Twilight and held it out to Spike. “If you would, my good sir.”

He shrugged and sent it off. I gave Twilight a shit eating grin and she huffed.

“I don’t get what’s so funny, but I’m sure you wouldn’t send anything appropriate to your lover.”

I kept grinning with Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack joining me.

“...You didn’t.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I may have. In fairness, I did sign my name at the bottom so she knows it was me.”

“Max!” She cried.

“Speaking of me, Pinkie and I found something while we were out and about, and wondered if you could make heads or tails of it.” I pulled out the book and handed it to her.

“Oh! It looks like a journal of some kind! Have you opened the lock yet?”

I handed the key off to her and shook my head. “It’s blank, but we doubted that it was just an old book. We had Rarity check it out for us, but there wasn’t really much that she could get from it either. Thus, you have an old blank book on your hands.”

“How exciting!” Twilight looked thrilled, completely ignoring the giggles from the peanut gallery. I spared them a quick glare and they straightened up for the most part. I swear, ponies are terrible at pranks.

“Let us know what you find, yeah? It’s been a bit of bother, not knowing what’s in it. Can’t say I’m usually one for idle curiosity, but it’s definitely interesting.”

Twilight unlocked the book and cracked it open, her smile bright with scholarly intrigue. She cast a spell or two on it and started reading out loud.

“Daffodil Bean’s log, day one, entry one. I have found myself at an impasse, my time coming to its peak as I hunt for a certain stallion, Husky Log. I have heard from many a mare that he is the one that can grant any wish, whether mundane or complex with frightening ease, and I hope that he will be able to sate my desires so that I may finally rest.”

“Huh, so it really is a journal. I wonder what Daffodil’s talking about?” I had to get her to keep reading, but I realized Spike was still there. Entry two was a doozy, and I doubted that Twilight forgive me easily if I didn't get him out of there soon.

“Hey Spike, you wanna go grab that cupcake I owe you? I’m sure we can hear the rest of the story later.” I offered. I would hear from someone or other how well the prank went, but I wouldn’t risk Spike’s innocence so that I could have a laugh.

“Yeah, sounds pretty boring anyways.” Rarity and Applejack’s eyes widened as they realized what I was doing, and Applejack shot me a thumbs up that I subtly returned.

I took Spike on the longest route to Sugarcube corner that I knew of and filled the time with some idle guy talk. Well, about as much guy talk as you can have with a fellow that’s probably not in the throes of puberty, though when he spoke about a girl who’s name has popped up a lot lately, I listened intently.

“So there’s this filly, Sweetie Belle…” He started.

“You mean Rarity’s little sister?” I asked patiently.

“Yeah. I kinda have a crush on her too, but I don’t know what to do! Do I keep going after Rarity, or do I go after Sweetie Belle?”

“No one can really tell you what you should do, but I suggest going for Sweetie Belle since she’s not one of Twilight’s friends and she’s closer to your age.”

“I mean, it makes sense, but how do I tell Rarity that I want to go out with her sister? What if she never talks to me again!?”

“Mate, if she hasn’t addressed your crush yet, she either doesn’t know about it or she knows and just doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t speak for Rarity, but women tend to prefer men around their own age, or at least, their own height.”

“Low blow man.”

“Sorry, didn’t think about that one too hard, but you get what I’m saying right?”

“I do, it’s just that Rarity’s so beautiful…”

“Which she is well aware of. What else do you like about Rarity?”

“Well, she’s smart, but not as smart as Twilight which is cool.”

“How’s that cool?”

“It means she isn’t like Twilight. I don’t really know how to put it without sounding like I’m trying to be mean.”

“Twilight’s neurotic, spastic, and a bit too brilliant for her own good?”

“I know what one of those means, and yeah. That’s the gist of it. Rarity’s also generous-”

“Eh.”

Spike’s head whipped to look at me. “Dude! She’s literally the Element of Generosity!”

“And yet she uses you to do a lot of her grunt work without paying you back other than with the occasional kiss on the cheek or a hug. I’m not criticizing her, just saying.”

“That sounds an awful lot like criticism, Max.”

“I just said it wasn’t, bugger off.” He gave me a flat glare and I rolled my eyes. “So what else is there? What really cinches it?”

“Well besides the way she dresses, her perfect manners, the way she styles her hair, how nice she is to me, I don’t really know if there’s one specific thing.”

“Besides the beauty?”

“That doesn’t hurt, but that’s not the only reason.”

“Of course not. What about Sweetie Belle? What do you like about her?”

“It’d be easier to list the things I don’t like, dude. She’s nice, cute, creative, good at singing. I could go on all day!”

“And one specific thing that you like most?”

“I guess it’d have to be how she never seems to stay in one place like I do. She’s always off doing something with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, trying to get their Cutie Marks, and I really like that. She’s full of energy!”

“So she reminds you a bit of how you’d like to live your life? Never a dull moment, always something interesting to do?”

“Yeah! That’s a good way to put it.”

“I see a few problems with that. Tell you what, mate. Make a list of the pros and cons of Sweetie Belle and Rarity, and figure out which one has more pros for you. Pursue the winner and see what happens from there.”

“You make that sound really easy.”

“That’s because in theory, it is. I made a mental one for Applejack when I was debating whether or not to start an agreement of sorts with her.”

“Wait, you’re going out with Applejack and Princess Celestia?”

“No, I’m just going out with Celly. Applejack and I aren’t necessarily going out, but we do some of the stuff that couples do.”

“So you guys like, kiss and cuddle and stuff?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Since she doesn’t have a boyfriend to keep her company when she wants something more than a friend, I take the place of said boyfriend and give her the affection she desires.”

“That sounds an awful lot like dating, dude.”

“It’s a difference you’d have to experience to really understand. The thing is, we don’t love each other, we just enjoy the cuddling and kissing bits.”

“What about the other stuff Twilight tells everyone not to talk about around me?”

“If she tells everyone not to talk about it around you, it’s probably for good reason.”

“But I’m not a kid anymore! I don’t know why it has to be such a big secret!”

“How sure are you that you can keep a secret?”

Spike looked at me eagerly. “Very sure!”

“You better be, because if I catch flak from Twilight, I’ll shank you in a heartbeat.”

“...You’ll what?” I gave him a look. “Never mind. Sounds bad.”

“It is. So Applejack and I are something called ‘Friends with Benefits.”

“Benefits like what?”

“Well, we do the bedroom waltz from time to time.”

“Does that mean sex?”

“It does.” I checked my nails. There was a bit of rubbish under a few of the.

“So you do sex to Applejack but you guys aren’t dating?”

“We are not. We’re just friends as the name implies, with a few conditions that don’t really matter.” I thought for a second. “If you ask someone to be like that with you at your age, I will punt your soft bits.”

“Well, I was going to ask Sweetie Belle, but now it sounds like a bad idea.”

“It is. Sex is something that’s worth waiting for, and once you have it, you’ll see it really isn’t as big a deal as it’s made out to be. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up, man. Shit gets complicated fast and it’s pretty sucky.”

“Well thanks for that pep talk.”

“Any time. I won’t sugarcoat anything if you ask me not to. I’d rather not have to pick and choose my words around a young man who should really be learning about the world while he can before the stinky stuff hits the fan.”

“Thanks I guess. So can I ask you something? Two things, actually.”

“You’ve just asked one, and you only have one more. Choose wisely.”

Spike glared at me. “You’re not as funny as you think you are, dude.”

“If that was true, I wouldn’t have any friends. What are your questions little man.”

“Why did we really leave the Treebrary?”

“I wrote the book I gave Twilight, and Pinkie did half of it too. It’s a prank that you shouldn’t have to witness since it’s a bit on the raunchy side.”

“But you just told me some adult stuff!”

“I know. I did that because I think you should know, but Twilight would hate me if you started asking questions about what you heard, which is why I asked you to keep what I said quiet. I did it more for Twilight and Rarity than you, mate.”

“How does Rarity play into that?”

“To be honest with you?” I sighed. “I’m pretty certain she thinks of you as a kid or a brother. Maybe a kid brother, but most definitely not someone to date.”

Spike was silent for a good while. We were nearly at Sugarcube Corner anyhow and it was a bit awkward buying him a cupcake he showed no interest in eating. I was fairly certain that I had just taken a jab at his heart, but I thought it was better that he learn ahead of time, rather than keep hoping that one day she would see him as anything but a boy. It felt terrible to watch him poke at the pastry with such a glum look, but my muffin was still warm and delicious. I waited a good ten or so minutes before I tried to speak to him again.

“You alright, Spike? I know it’s heavy, but it is what it is.” He focused on his cupcake.

“Let’s just go home.” Spike said after a few more minutes of loaded silence.

“Alright, buddy.”

We left quickly and took a much more direct route back home. I felt terrible for breaking the news to him, but he wasn’t going to make a move and I was pretty certain that Rarity was oblivious to his feelings. Spike was taking the news awfully hard and I couldn’t see a way to cheer him up at the moment, so we walked on without a word between us.

Arriving back at the Treebrary was a solemn event. The girls had gone, and took Twilight along with them, leaving me alone with a saddened dragon.

“Anything I can do for you, Spike?”

He looked at me. “Are you friends with benefits with Rarity too?”

“What gives you that idea?”

“Just answer the question.”

“If you’re asking whether or not I’ve slept with her, the answer is no.”

“...You said you wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.”

“I’m not. I have not slept with Rarity, though I did nearly get there with Twilight.”

Spike turned the cupcake he was still holding in his hands about. “Would you even tell me if you were?”

“Yeah, I would.”

Spike’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep breath. “Thanks, dude. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Sleep well, mate.”

I walked home hating myself a little bit. I hadn’t meant to lie to Spike, but I knew that saying yes would have landed that cupcake in my face and earned me his anger for quite some time. I tried to rationalize it so I could breath more easily, but I felt that I should’ve faced the music as it was playing rather than taking an about face on the morals I was trying uphold. Being an honest man was difficult. More difficult than I had previously thought. The feeling niggled at the tender spots of my heart, so I altered my path and began heading towards Rarity’s boutique, hoping that I would find her there.

Turns out, I found three short girls talking excitedly about something or other unimportant when I strolled in. One had hair reminiscent of Rainbow Dash’s, but was a horrid magenta that clashed terribly with her orange coat. Another was a literal redhead with a light yellow coat, and the last, whom I assumed was Sweetie Belle, had a two toned lavender and light pink mane with a white coat. I briefly pondered getting the fuck out of dodge since I hate dealing with tweenage girls, but my stupid curiosity got the better of me.

“Hullo, girls. Any of you seen Rarity?”

They stared at me, their conversation dropping like a gold nugget in a jar of water.

“Who are you?” The one with the red mane asked.

“Name’s Max, I’m one of Rarity’s friends. May I know your names?”

The orange one spoke up. “I’m Scootaloo,” She pointed at herself, “that’s Applebloom, and that’s Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo pointed at each girl respectively.

“Hullo,” I waved, “Nice to meet you.”

They waved, but said nothing.

“So… Any clue where Rarity has gone?”

"You talk funny." Applebloom stated.

“Why do you want to know?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, it’s rather hard to stalk someone if you don’t know where they are.”

“Not again!” she yelled. A very pointy pair of scissors raised up.

“Hold on! I was kidding, good lord girl! Take a joke, will you?”

The scissors did not fall. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?” She narrowed her eyes.

“Has Rarity seriously not said a word about me? Do the words ‘simply insufferable’ ring any bells?”

“So that’s you! Oh.” Sweetie Belle dropped the scissors.

“I dunno, Sweetie Belle. I think we might need those, if what Big Mac says about him is anything to go by.” Apple Bloom warned.

“What about Applejack? Does she say anything about me?”

“Well, yeah. She says you’re a nice stallion who has trouble tellin’ the truth sometimes.”

“While that is true, I happen to be trying to change that to telling the truth all the time, which is why I need to talk to Rarity. Now, if you could kindly stop threatening me, that would be lovely.”

“He looks suspicious to me.” Scootaloo rubbed her chin.

“Big Mac usually ain’t wrong about many things.” Apple Bloom copied her.

“And Rarity says you aren’t the nicest guy.” Sweetie Belle added.

“...I’m just gonna go. I’ll be sure to snitch on you to your sisters.” I turned to leave.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison.

“Are you going to stab me?” I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

“No! Don’t tell on us!” Apple Bloom shouted. The trio ran to follow me.

“I was playing, girls. Don’t worry about it.” I totally wasn’t playing, but it seemed like a good day to start lying again.

They breathed a collective sigh of relief. And started babbling among themselves, so I decided to make my exit before they came back to their senses and started talking to me again. They reminded me an awful lot of Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity respectively, but I was glad I didn’t have to deal with them for long. That thought lasted all of thirty seconds.

“Hey Max!” Apple Bloom yelled from behind me.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Is what Big Mac says true? Are you really a bad pony?” She looked at me nervously.

“I’m not a pony, so that doesn’t really apply to me.”

“What?”

“I’m not a pony, thus I’m not a good pony, because I am not a pony.”

“What?”

“What country are you from?”

Applebloom was befuddled. “What?”

“‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in ‘What’?”

“What?”

“Equuish, child, can you speak it?”

“Well, yeah! It’s the only language I know.”

“Then you understand what I’m sayin’?”

“Yeah?”

“Good. Now what do I look like?”

“Uh… What?”

“SAY WHAT AGAIN. COME ON, SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YA, I DOUBLE DARE YA.”

She looked at me somewhere between confused and angry. “Why should I?”

“I dunno. It’d be funnier if you knew what I was talking about. With that said, what were we talking about?”

“...Ya don’t seem like a bad pony, just weird. Maybe Big Mac was wrong about ya.”

“Or maybe Applejack was right. You never know.”

“Are ya just bein’ difficult now?”

“Yup, pretty much. I’ve been spending too much time around Pinkie.”

“Oh. She does get weird sometimes.”

“That she does. Can I help you with something? Because I do need to find your sister.”

“I thought you needed to find Rarity?”

“I do, but Applejack was with Rarity the last time I saw her, and neither of them should be leaving me alone with myself. Who knows? I might go on a candy binge and clear out Sugarcube Corner.”

“Are you serious!?”

“No, I am not.”

“You’re weird.”

“And you’re short. Are we going to make any more observations?”

She finally shut the hell up and started walking backwards into the shop, bumping into the door but not dropping eye contact with me the entire time. It was a queer thing. I fucked off and went searching for Fluttershy, assuming that she would probably be picked up by the girls sometime soon if she hadn’t already been. When three or more of them gathered, they usually formed their little pack and got up to no good, so I kept an ear open for screams, shouts of panic, and general mayhem. I found none, but I really don’t know what I had been expecting; nothing exciting had happened that didn’t involve me since I’d gotten here, though some of the stories that Applejack had told me were awfully surprising.

One of them was the story of how the girls first met over the course of Luna, who was something called Nightmare Moon at the time, kidnapping Celestia and threatening eternal night to be cast over the world, which I found to be frankly terrifying for multiple reasons. How the hell could anyone trust in someone with such propensity for darkness? I mean, hell, I know I’m not exactly one to talk about untrustworthy tendencies, but if Luna’s envy of Celestia had grown to the point where she had gotten an evil power boost that could dwarf her sister’s own, that was reason enough for me to worry. I would never tell Luna that I feared the day she lost control of her emotions, but I did wonder just how long it would take for it to happen again. Being a pessimist, even on the sunniest days, I believed that there would come a time that her evil would be released again, but I had no way of doing anything about that, so I tried not to worry about it too hard.

Needless fretting aside, I hadn’t found anything but a few stuffy animals around Fluttershy’s place. I figured that they had only been nice to me because I was on good terms with Fluttershy, but ever since I had turned her down, I noticed many more near misses with bird excrement than I had ever had in my life. That was just another thing on my ever expanding to do list that I couldn’t get done at the present moment. Instead of walking about town, searching for the rainbow sextet of females, I was going to call it a day and start writing some good ol’ fashioned smut.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My house was also oddly empty. I had been expecting them to have let themselves in or something, and it was odd that I felt rather disappointed that they hadn’t. I don’t think it was because I wasn’t going to have a chance to yell at them for invading my privacy, but that I had been anticipating company that I no longer had. Even my somewhat constant companion had ditched me. I brushed off the heavy feeling to the best of my abilities and grabbed a pen, some paper, and a tall glass of water to begin my new pastime. I wrote in a flurry of movement and inspiration, using my own kinks and some of my wishes to flavor the text a bit, while trying to keep it in a female’s perspective which was surprisingly fun. I had never been much of a writer, and I had found it to be more of a responsibility than a hobby when it came to my journals, but writing for giggles was proving to be an interesting endeavor.

Unlike the gaudy cheese fest I had written into the fake ancient text I had given Twilight, I actually put a bit of effort into this one, making it a little easier to read and allowing it to flow naturally rather than the jerky, rapid scene changes that had been all over my previous work. IT was difficult to switch styles entirely, but not impossible by any means as I had to keep reminding myself time and time again. Another factor was repetition, which broke up the flow of the story and seemed to make it more childish. I attempted to avoid it as often as possible, but there’s only so many ways one can refer to genitalia that will be understood, let alone maintain a certain level of dignity. There’s a difference between harlequin romance and straight up smut, and I was going for the romance bit. It proved a difficult task to keep the hot, heavy tone I was trying to set when I felt no arousal of my own and had no one to read over my work, but I finished the first few chapters by the time the moon had risen. So lost was I in my work that I had completely lost track of time, night having fallen hours ago. It was a bit after one in the morning when I decided to go search of journals to catch them up when I realized I couldn’t find them.

How odd. I always kept them in the same place; in my nightstand along with the billfold I had kept with me since I was fifteen and a ring I was fond of, but never actually wore unless it was on a string. Both of those things were still there, and I was beginning to work myself into a frenzy trying to find them when I gave up and started on my most recent entry in an attempt to calm down. I stopped a few times to look some more to no avail; they were gone and I had no idea where exactly they had went. My thoughts turned to the possible betrayal of my friends, but I waved them aside. The girls were nosy, but I highly doubted that any of them would go snooping through my things just to steal my journal entries.

I didn’t get much sleep that night, fretting over my journal for most of it. Those papers had contained most of my time in Equestria, and it worried me that I would have to rewrite them from memory, knowing I couldn’t remember all of the conversations in their entirety, or do my first impressions any justice. It was like a piece of my mind had just up and left, taking a good chunk of time along with it, and that worried me as much as anything else. How was I supposed to rest easily knowing that I had minded it well, especially for someone like me? I tossed and turned in my bed, eventually giving up to take a walk to clear my head. Not that there was much to see in Ponyville, I just hoped that the exercise would get the worries out of my mind.

I passed Fluttershy’s cabin, Applejack’s farm, and Rarity’s boutique on my circuit, wondering if any of them were still up at this ungodly hour. I had a feeling that they weren’t, so I didn’t bother stopping by, though seeing them did ease my heart a little. I was quite happy that I had such good friends, but that in itself was odd. I had been equally as happy to be by myself before and after Max’s passing, which made me wonder if perhaps the magic of Ponyland was getting to me more than I had thought. Things that would have started blood feuds before were swiftly forgiven, although they were never forgotten, and annoyances that would have gotten a few people cursed to the moon and back were ignored. I was changing, whether I had intended to or not, in ways that I hadn’t foreseen, which worried me even more. I didn’t want to be like one of the ponies; blissfully ignorant and cheery. I want to be me. Surly, snippy, and sarcastic. All I was really trying to change was my honesty (or lack thereof) and my willingness to use my manners, but the more I pondered how much I had changed, the deeper the worry etched itself into my mind. Would I eventually turn into one of these happy-go-lucky fuckers if I stayed my course? Or would I retain some semblance of what made me me?

I was still troubled by my thoughts when I found myself passing Twilight’s house, seeing that the lights were still on. I didn’t have a watch, but I assumed it was nearly three or so in the morning. My interest was piqued, so I walked up and was about to knock when I heard voices through the door.

“I’m telling you! If he finds out, he’s not going to be happy!” I think that voice belonged to Rarity.

There were a few inaudible words that I assumed came from Fluttershy.

“Relax Rares,” Rainbow said, “if we keep it quiet and just put them back, it won’t be a problem.”

That sounded awfully interesting. Too coincidental. I barely opened the door so I could hear a bit better.

“I don’t know what it is, but he deserves it! I can’t believe he made me read that awful journal out loud!” Twilight protested.

“In fairness, it was a good prank. Max even took Spike out to the bakery and missed his own prank.” Applejack replied calmly.

“And Spike’s been depressed ever since, but he won’t tell me what’s on his mind!” Twilight carried on.

“Perhaps I could talk to him? Spike always seems to respond well to me for some odd reason.” Rarity offered.

“You’re welcome to try. In the meantime, what do you girls think about the journal?” Twilight asked more quietly.

“It was… interesting.” Rarity sounded uncomfortable.

“You say interesting, I say great! I can’t believe Max wrote that!” Rainbow exclaimed.

I had heard enough to allay my suspicions, so I softly closed the door and knocked three times on it.

Twilight answered it with the remains of a blush still on her face. “Max? What are you doing up so late?” She asked.

“I was looking for something I can’t find and it’s been worrying me to death. You wouldn’t happen to have my journals, would you?”

She looked at me and cocked her head. “You keep a journal?”

“I do. I wonder where it went. For a moment, I worried that one of you girls may have taken it, but I don’t think any of you would disrespect me like that.”

“Speaking of respect.” Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

I booped her nose.

She swatted at my hand and missed. “I can’t believe you let me read that drivel out loud!”

“You’ll laugh at it eventually, love. Did you read the rest of it?”

She blushed and looked behind her. “Well, I promised to let Rarity read it first, but I’m still mad at you!”

“Would a kiss make it better?” I leaned and and puckered my lips.

Twilight gave me a quick peck and walked away, leaving the door open. I had been joking, not expecting her to actually do it, so I just followed after regaining my bearings. Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow and Fluttershy were all present, but Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.

“Hullo, ladies. How goes the night?”

No one looked me in the eye when they answered, which I found very suspicious, though Twilight didn’t seem to notice. Something was definitely off.

“I happen to be missing something rather important to me, any of you have a guess as to what it might be?” I leaned against the door frame and surveyed their responses.

“Wouldn’t happen to be your missin’ journal, would it? I heard ya talkin’ about it with Twilight.” Applejack answered.

“Yeah that’s it. Wouldn’t happen to know anything about it, would you?”

“Why would we know, Max?” Rarity asked. “It sounds like you’re accusing us.”

“I’m not accusing, just asking. It’s been a bit of bother, which is why I’m not asleep at the moment. Just exhausting any leads.”

Rarity glowered. “When would we even have a chance to get it?”

“There are two unicorns here right now, and Pinkie is a fucking wizard all her own. Plus, Pinkie came over with Applejack and Rainbow earlier today, which you were there for too. Like I said, bonny, I’m just asking. You taking so much offense is making me more suspicious than anything.”

“I don’t see why it would. It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset after being accused of something you didn’t do.” She huffed.

I ignored her for a moment. “Applejack, do you know who took my journal?”

“Max!” Rarity exclaimed. Rainbow and Applejack were averting their gazes.

“Was I fucking talking to you?” I snarled.

She was taken aback and I looked to Applejack once more. “If I get it back before morning, all’s forgiven. I mean I want my journal handed back to me by the culprit. I know you three are hiding something, and since the only one not here is Pinkie, I’m going to guess she has it.”

“...I’ll get it back for ya. Pinkie didn’t say nothin’ until she already had it, but she wasn’t just gonna put it back.” Applejack said quietly.

I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you, AJ. My journal means a lot to me, and I’m going to dropkick Cuntie when I see her next.”

“Now, that ain’t right, Max, and you know it.” She finally looked at me,

“Applejack’s right, dude. It’s just a journal!” Rainbow added.

“It’s also the sum of my experiences in Equestria, meticulously kept with EVERY event that has happened from the moment I left the Everfree and ran into you. There are things in that journal that I don’t want known, and things about myself that I never wanted to share. If you could even fucking fathom the gross invasion of my privacy that the act of stealing such a valuable thing is, you would understand why I’m upset.”

“How is it worth that much to you? It’s just words on paper man.”

“Are you an idiot? everything I’ve done in Equestria resides within those pages. That includes everyone as well.”

Applejack and Twilight both jolted. “We have to get it back.” Applejack stood from her seat and donned her coat with Twilight close behind.

“Now that’s the hustle I wanna see! Let’s go storm Pinkie’s castle!” I grinned darkly and followed them out the door, leaving Rarity and Rainbow behind.

We practically ran to Sugarcube Corner in the dead of night. I’m sure it was an odd sight; two women in night clothes bustling down the street, lead by the lone human on the planet towards a gingerbread house in a technicolor town. I found it to be hilarious. We arrived quickly and Twilight unlocked the door with her magic, allowing me to take point since I was the quietest. I padded up the stairs softly with a well practiced ease, the two ponies following in my wake making far more noise than necessary. After the second loud bump, I waved at them, signalling that they should stay behind while I sallied forth and I carried on soundlessly. I cracked the first door I saw and it appeared to be a nursery, so that was a bust. The next two doors were the Cake’s bedroom and a bathroom, both of which didn’t hold what I was looking for, so I went to check the one on the far end of the hall, facepalming as I realized that was the one I should’ve started with. I stood and opened it, strolling right on in and caught Pinkie with a lamp on and her hand between her legs.

Pinkie froze, but her hand did not.

“While I’m so glad you find my life arousing, I would appreciate it if you stopped.”

“You’re in my room.”

“And you were in mine earlier. Hand it over.”

She extended her wet fingers towards me and I struggled not to gag. “The journal, Pinkie. I know you have it.”

“Aww, but I just got past the part where you slept with Fluttershy!”

My blood fucking boiled. “You have five seconds.”

She sat still and looked out the window.

“Three.”

“You’re not counting very fair-”

“Give. Them. To. Me.”

“Or what?” She asked testily.

“Don’t play this game with me Pinkie.”

“Or what?” Her tone had gone dark

I started ripping open every drawer I could find, searching for my journals until I found the sheathes of paper. I heard steps in the hallway and started browsing over the collection until I started seeing silly pink scribbles through some of the words and little annotations. I looked at Pinkie who had put some damn pants on, and there was a knock on the door.

“Pinkie? Is everything okay?” I heard Mrs.Cake ask.

I opened the door and walked through, bumping Mrs. Cake on my way out, not trusting myself to not fucking strangle Pinkie. Not only had the fucking cunt stolen my shit, she had defaced it. I could rewrite the pages, of course, since the damage wasn’t too severe, but the fact that I would even have to if I wanted the stain that was her penmanship to no longer be on my journals pissed me off even further. I brushed past Twilight and Applejack on my way out, Mrs. Cake still asking what the hell had just happened upstairs.

I walked along at a brisk pace, not really caring that Applejack and Twilight were trailing along. It always seemed to be one of them that was worried about me whenever something was pissing me off, but despite the concern they were showing, I wanted nothing more to be left alone.

“Max?” Applejack called. “You okay?”

“No. No I am not.” I stopped walking and let them catch up.

“What the hay happened? We heard a scuffle and it didn’t sound pretty.”

“I asked Pinkie to hand over my journal and she did not. So I tore her room apart looking for it.”

“That was uncalled for! You know Pinkie would have given it back eventually!”

“She invaded my privacy, again. Stole from me, scribbled nonsense all over my work, and I caught her fuckingmasturbating to my life! I am not fucking happy.”

Twilight eyes were wide. “I-I’m sure there’s an explanation to that.”

“If there is, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it. Pinkie Pie’s crossed a line that I’ve been way too fuckin’ lenient with. Cock suckin’ cunt needs to learn some goddamn manners.”

“Hey! She’s your friend, Max-” Applejack started

“No the fuck she’s not. I will NEVER be friends with someone that fucking disgusting.”

“Pinkie ain’t disgustin’! She was just taking care of her needs as a mare!” Applejack retorted hotly

“I don’t give a fuck about that, I care more about the fact that she has no regards for any manner of privacy, no regard for how anyone else feels, and doesn’t give a damn about her own fucking friends! How could she think I’d be okay with her reading the most intimate moments of my life!?”

Applejack and Twilight shared a look and the orange mare just scratched her head.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going home.”

Applejack looked down. “...Do ya want someone to walk-”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Max. If I would have known…” Twilight hugged herself

“You know what? Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow knew, and they didn’t do a damn thing, so don’t you feel bad for a moment.”

Applejack rubbed her arm and Twilight looked between us. “That’s a little harsh, Max.”

“If it’s any less true, that tell me now. Otherwise, leave me alone. I don’t want to look at anyone right now.”

I walked on and they stood there for a while longer. Too livid to care, I held my pages close and fucked right off, thinking up various ways to get Pinkie back for this. I hadn’t technically forgiven her for spreading my secret in the first place, and now that she had gone and fucked up just as badly all over again, there was no way I could ever consider the pink cunt to be a friends. In fact, from this point forward, Pinkie will now be referred to as Cuntie in my writing, mimicking life.

I came up some brutal ways that weren’t technically torture to eat away at Cuntie’s self esteem, self image, and self respect, planning to put all of them into effect the moment I could. It hurt to think that she had so callously neglected my personal space, and had even invaded my inner sanctum without so much as a word to me. I still couldn’t believe that Rarity had tried to cover for her and that Applejack let her do it! Fucking ponies are terrible friends, especially the Elements of Harmony.

I sat in my empty house and rewrote the pages that Cuntie had ruined, the mere sight of her bright pink scrawl incensing me to the point of shaking so hard I had to stop writing and calm down. I kept a bottle of brown liquor under my sink and took a few shots to calm myself, after eating something of course. Still, it was hard to trust the ponies after getting burned so many times. I truly began to doubt that I was the toxic one; it had to be them! The problem once lie in myself, who was too unforgiving and harsh to exist in their world, but now I realized that the ponies were just insanely fucking stupid! They were so sheltered and ignorant, they hard a hard time seeing anything from someone else’s prerogative, which was exemplified perfectly in Cuntie.

Now Rarity was going to be a whole different story. She had just barely avoided lying in my face about knowing that Cuntie had my journal, and I was a special kind of pissed at her. She officially lost her spot as my proofreader, and was most definitely not going to get to read my new smut. I knew it was especially petty, but I was still quite pissed that she had the nerve to be angry with me when I had asked if they knew anything. That was pretty shitty of her, I must say. If it was a prank they were trying to pull, I would have been fine if it had been anything other than something so extremely personal to me, or something I had put time and effort into, but no. They had to go after my memories and observations which just did not sit well at all.

I went to bed as dawn was breaking, finished with a good chunk of my rewrites. There were still a handful of pages that I was going to have to fix, and I double checked to see if Cuntie had used some form of invisible ink just to mess with me. I determined that she had not since her words were still on my papers, but I still found it infuriating that she had dared to comment on my writing, stating that I spent far too much time describing my sex life, too much time thinking, and too much time killing or threatening to kill people. Bitch should have seen from what I had written that I was a repentant sinner, and the evil thought that maybe Cuntie was supposed to be my torturer for my penance irked me. I tossed and turned some some more, not able to still my beating heart.

I got up and wished that I still had the potent plant in my shed when I decided to go check. I found that Lupa had actually neglected to carry it off and that it smelled even stronger than it had before, a good indicator that it had finally had a chance to settle and dry out on its own. I touched a few of the sticky buds, but smiled when I saw the frosted tip that was the top most bud. It was a beauty, nearly bringing a tear to my eye. I went back inside and grabbed a mason jar that I had seen when I stashed my liquor and brought the top cola in, stuffing it as gently as I could inside so I didn’t hurt it. Now I just needed some moonshine, and I would have a whole ‘nother dragon on my hands. I went back out and picked something that wasn’t quite as majestic to process, and did the illegal thing with it on my back porch. It was already a pretty morning out, nice and cool, but it was slowly beginning to get prettier. I did finally get some sleep, so it was worth it to me, but if I hadn’t had an awning on my porch swing, I would be willing to bet that I’d have been cherry red by the time I actually got my stoned arse into gear.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was quite pleasantly awoken by the repeated feeling of being kissed on the cheek, but when I rolled over, I saw that it was not a pretty woman placing smooches on me, but rather, my favorite pupper giving me smooches of her own. I rubbed her head and sat up.

“Lupa? Just where have you been the past few days? I miss you when you disappear, you know.” She shook her head and pointed her nose off into and started off. “Oi! Wait up!”

I followed her in and picked up a willow sapling that had been felled by a woodland creature of some sort. I t was light and only needed to be trimmed a little, but I did so while following Lupa at a sedate pace. Once I had gotten it to the point I could use it as a walking stick, Lupa surged forth and I followed quickly, trying to save energy while maneuvering through the thick underbrush. I was glad that I was wearing proper trousers by the time we stopped, seeing as how they were torn and snagged by a few patches of briar and a couple nettle plants here and there. The big black wolf was standing at attention, her gaze on a point somewhere in the distance. I knelt down and looked with her, spotting what she had brought me to see.

There was an encampment of snake like men, slithering about deeper into the forest. I looked at Lupa and wished that I had my knives with me, the only viable weapons I owned. Unfortunately, I had a stick. A nice stick, mind you, but a stick nonetheless and I highly doubted that it was going to do bugger all if I had to deal with those fellows in the way I thought we were. I pointed in their direction and whispered ‘bad?’ to Lupa, cocking my head and she lowered her and waved it side to side before following them. I followed her in turn, trying to stay low and out of sight, just in case the worst possibility came into reality.

We tracked the Naga like beings for hours, only stopping when they did. I saw them eat a diet of fish and what I believed to be nightshade before they continued on each time, which worried me. I wasn’t an alchemist or an expert of poison by any means, but I knew that at the rate they were eating the little black berries that came from the purple flowered plants, they should have been dead ten minutes after the first break they’d taken. That worried the fuck out me, since it meant that I would have to find something else to use as a means of engagement. I was dreading the moment when we got to where ever we were heading.

The Naga left our field of vision some time later and I could see smoke rise from above the treetops. I was rather curious by now, since there was plenty of it, so I stayed behind Lupa as we kept on, staying in the brush as we observed the clearing that they had either made or found. What I saw was quite intriguing: The Naga had built a small hamlet that was vaguely similar to that of American Indians in the olden days, with wigwam-like structures dotting around the encampment and one longhouse taking center stage in the middle of the assortment. They were are rather well made with uniform branches forming support, with what seemed to be clay at just about every joint. The buildings were robust, yet complex, bound with fine plant fibers that were evidently strong enough to hold them together well, and there were more branches with leaves interweaved in between the support beams that I assumed were there to help keep rain and the like out. These people were crafty, at least somewhat intelligent. That filled me with a bit of hope.

Lupa started walking into the hamlet with a spring to her step. She didn’t seem scared at all, so I followed her in and hoped that it wouldn’t end with us getting killed because we hadn’t thought this through. I knew she was smart, but I was highly doubting her intelligence on this one, even though I knew she wouldn’t lead me somewhere to die. Hopefully.

We, or rather, I, was stopped immediately by a hulking mass of reptile. His dark grayish green scales didn’t shine or really reflect light, seeming to draw light in and keep it there. His face was far from human, and there were remarkably few features to go along with it other than a few discolorations of the scales around his eyes and mouth. His ears were nonexistent at least from my view which was a good thirty centimeters down, which meant that if I had continued to look forward, I would be staring at his chest, which had two odd bumps that resembled pectorals, but like that of a body builder rather than a normal persons. I looked up at the behemoth and almost quaked in my boots, but I put on a brave face.

I waved. “Hullo.”

“Who are you?” A booming voice asked.

“My name’s Max. I’m a human visiting a pony town nearby.”

“Why are you here?”

I pointed at the hulking mass that was Lupa, though she seemed much smaller when compared to the massive creature in front of me.

“My companion brought me here. I don’t know why.”

“The Otsoa is a friend here. You are not.” It’s voice was beginning to strike me as being more feminine than masculine, but I doubted that it really mattered in the moment.

“How would I become a friend, then? I don't wish you, or your people any harm. I’m actually pretty sure that I couldn’t hurt your people, if they are all built like you.”

“Your words are not enough. Leave.” Lupa growled and the Naga turned around to look at her.

“Be that as it may, he is not welcome here.” She replied to Lupa. How she understood what she was saying, I do not know.

Lupa barked twice. “He is?”

Another bark.

“So it was you two that killed the Kobolds. We had an agreement with them.”

“They raped the corpse of a pony. I couldn’t let them live on knowing they would defile someone else if they were given the chance.”

“We were not aware of their actions.”

“I’m sure you weren’t.” I said skeptically.

The Naga levelled a glare at me. “We would have exterminated them ourselves if we had known. Such evils are not permitted on our land.”

Lupa barked. “You have no proof that it was you that killed the Kobolds. We may not have liked them, but we still had a blood pact with them, and that lack of proof is the only reason you’re still allowed to leave alive.”

“So purging necrophiliacs and murderers from your home is a disservice to you?” I scoffed.

“Killing those we have an understanding with is.” We were beginning to draw a crowd.

“What could the Kobolds even provide you? Shit and piss in jars? Hunting outposts where you can rest while watching over your shoulder so you don’t get stabbed in the back?”

“I said that!” A voice called out from the crowd.

“Silence! Would you dare challenge my judgement, stranger?” The Naga drew itself to its full height.”

“If you make bad calls, then yeah, I would.” I lowered myself and prepared to smash and dash. Lupa stood by my side, and got ready to pounce.

An older looking fellow slithered forth on his tail and came up to inspect me.

“The small creature has a point, Buruzagi. Many of our people were against an alliance with those foolish creatures, and from what we have heard, they deserved their deaths. This one has done us a favor.”

“Honored Elder, your words hold wisdom.” Buruzagi acquiesced. “I, however, do not agree. This ‘Max’ has insulted my husband’s judgement, and my own.”

“Then fight him. Whoever wins is correct.” The Elder shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure she would kill me without trying.” I replied.

“I may.” She smiled evilly.

“I surrender. I stand no chance of beating you, and fighting you in the first place seems like a good way to get killed.”

The Elder crossed his arms and nodded. “I was sure that you would accept. A man should not be so quick to cede his word.”

“A man should not be so quick to cede his life over such paltry matters. I am happy to let Buruzagi have the victory if it means I don’t get my arse kicked up and down this clearing. I’m sure saving her honor means more to her than winning a fight.”

“How would defeating you save my honor?” She asked.

“Hold out your arm, will you?” She complied and I stood next to her, doing the same with mine. “Do you see the difference? I’m about half your size with a good bit less reach than you. Plus, you’re taller and more skilled. Where’s the honor in defeating someone smaller, weaker, and less experienced than you?”

The crowd around us chuckled and my pride ached, but I had avoided being killed for the time being.

Buruzagi coughed. “I had not thought of that.”

“Rarely does anyone think twice about an easy victory.”

“You are wise for someone so young, if your voice is anything to go by.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I’m only about twenty one, though I haven’t really cared about it for a while. I’ve seen my fair share of my world.”

“Your world?” The Elder asked.

“Yes, I’m not from this world. I come from a planet called Earth, and a country called England.”

“Earth as in ‘dirt’?”

“Yes, I know it’s silly, but I didn’t name it that.”

“You are an interesting creature, Max. Perhaps we could persuade you to join us for a while longer?” Buruzagi looked surprised but said nothing.

“I thought I wasn’t welcome here.”

Buruzagi spoke. “It is rare that we have visitors that do not wish to fight.”

“I can’t imagine that you get many that would want to. All of your are frankly terrifying.”

“Thank you, that is quite the compliment.” The Elder brushed his claws against his face.

“...Yeah. So how about I tell you of my world in exchange for safe travels around these parts of the forest? I can’t say there’s much I ever do around here, and without Lupa, I doubt I could find my way back, but it never hurts to have more friends.”

“That title is not given lightly around here.” The Elder explained. Lupa barked and he nodded.

I looked between them. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand her. What did she say?”

The Elder looked surprised. “I forgot that non-Naga races are not able to understand the dialect of most creatures. You know, if you eat more Hizketan Baia, you will be fine.”

“Please don’t tell me those are the berries from the purple flowered bushes.”

He laughed. “No they are not. Those are the Nightshade, you would die if you ate them!”

“I know, that’s why I was hoping that they were different things.”

“They are indeed. We give the Hizketan to our spawn, but we have not had any for a few years now. You are welcome to our supplies. A few of your tiny handfuls should do just fine.”

“So you’re saying that if I eat those, I’ll be able to understand Lupa?”

“Is that the name you have given her? Because she has told us that she prefers Nashoba.”

Lupa barked twice. “Nevermind. She likes the name you have given her.”

“I was hoping she would. It’s a name with a lot of history behind it.”

Lupa’s ears perked up and The Elder seemed interested as well. He extended a clawed hand to the longhouse. “Please, tell us of this history inside. We of the Gose Baso tribe welcome you.” He started off towards the longhouse and Buruzagi followed him Much of the crowd had dissipated save for a few, so it’s not like I was being watched by damn near everyone now. I looked to Lupa and she met my gaze, leaving me behind as she went to dog their nonexistent heels. I accompanied her after a moment.

The inside of the longhouse was rather impressive, with earth toned mud walls keeping the wind and rain out. There were intricate drawing that told stories of past hunts and battles that started from one end and petered off about halfway through, but I was sure that it was an ongoing work. I looked around some more and saw that they had two fire places, one on each side, that gave the structure a woody, smoky smell that I rather enjoyed. The largest Naga I had seen spread wood chips on each of the fires and added logs to them. I assumed the chips were what gave the fire such a pleasant smell, but I had to note that it was fucking HOT in here. So much so, I nearly began sweating just from stepping in, but seeing as how I had been invited in, I didn’t really want to snub them for fear of being disrespectful.

The Elder and Buruzagi were sitting on their coiled tails near the leftmost fire, so I joined them there, sitting crossed legged on the ground.

“Alright, so where do we start?” I asked.

“Wherever you feel you should. You could start with a bit about yourself.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I don’t know if you want to know much about the life of a former thief.”

“Thief?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah, when I was twelve, my mother died after killing my father, and I had no other means of taking care of myself. No family that would look after me, no desire to be put in the foster care system, no kindly strangers that came across a skinny, downtrodden soul. Nope, I took to stealing to feed myself, then I took to stealing to make money so I could pay my own way to feed myself. Don’t misunderstand; I took food from those with plenty to spare, so no one went hungry because of my actions, and I stole baubles from those that had enough to feed a small army, so they wouldn’t miss them. I wasn’t just stealing for satisfaction; I was doing it because I had no other option.”

“We do not like thieves around these parts.” Buruzagi’s tail began to uncoil.

“I figured. I’m not a thief any more. I’ve a better way to make a living than that.”

“And what might that be?” She asked testily.

“I do the occasional job for Princess Luna or Celestia. They pay well, so I don’t have to steal. One of the jobs they sent me on is actually the reason I ended up exterminating the Kobolds. One of them was terrorizing a small town and I was trying to track it down when I came across four of them defiling some poor woman’s body. I don’t know how or when she died, but they were doing something unforgivable in any case, so I may have gotten a bit upset and tracked down as many as I could and destroyed them. It was actually kind of fun.”

The Elder bellowed out a laugh. “Indeed! What was it you were saying about striking down a weaker foe?”

“In fairness, they were about my size and the only advantage I had was Lupa and a few decent knives. They had numbers on me in spades.”

“I suppose a Kobold would be a good match for a creature such as you, but that does not make any sense; if they were your equals, how did you manage to slay them so easily?” Buruzagi asked.

“Well, Lupa was a big help since she drew a lot of their attention, but I’m rather fast and I liked to study anatomy and acupuncture when I was younger. I know where the veins lie, and where the organs hide. It helped me a lot whenever I got into a scuffle, but it’s useless without a weapon to help back it up for the most part. I doubt it would ever work against a Naga, anyway, what with your muscles and scales.”

“It would not. Blows that would fell a Kobold would merely serve to infuriate a Naga!” Buruzagi bragged.

“Be that as it may, if we held such information for the nuisances of Gose Baso, it would be easier to slay the beasts. A little more skill when hunting could not hurt.” The Elder added.

“What does that mean, anyway? Gose Baso?”

“In your language, it means ‘Hungry Forest’. Many of the creatures here prey upon each other, unlike the Lasaia Baso, the Quiet Forest. They may touch each other, but they are so vastly different.”

“We call them the Everfree and Whitetail Woods respectively. I actually live rather close to the Whitetail Woods, so if you ever need something that I can provide, feel free to say hello.”

“Our tribe would not trouble you for matters we ourselves could handle.” Buruzagi huffed.

“But you never know. I have a way with the ponies and a crafty mind. I could come in handy some time. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, just offering my services, should you need them.”

“So you are offering your friendship to us?” The Elder asked. “Even after your earlier disagreement?”

“If Lupa trusts you, I trust you. She tends to be a wise wolf.” She licked my cheek and I wrapped an arm around her.

“...Please tell me you are not bedding the wolf.” Buruzagi asked flatly.

“You fucking what, mate?”

Lupa barked.

“She denies that.” The Elder elaborated. Lupa barked twice more. “She says you are quite promiscuous though.”

“Shut up Lupa!” She pushed me over and licked me. “Alright, alright, bugger off!” She let me up.

“It would seem that she is more your master than you hers.” The Elder idly commented.

“I’m not her master. She may consider that of me, but she is and will always be my equal.”

“Nashoba does not agree, but it is good that you do not see her as a mere wolf. I’m sure you’re aware that she is quite intelligent.”

“I am. There’s definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I can’t wait to learn some of her secrets for once.” I gave her the side eye and she looked at me intently.

“We will provide the Hizketan Baia to you before you make you departure, but we must warn you that we do not know whether or not they are poisonous to your kind. We have seen some animals eat them freely, others die after moments. Some have odd reactions, but we do not understand them well enough to warn you of their dangers, so if you have a healer in your town, we suggest that you have them examine them.”

“I’ll do that. Can your kind eat them freely?”

“We cannot. We have stories of spawn that became too fond of their taste and ate many, turning wild themselves. Our tribe believes that it is a matter of the spirit, and that the Hizketan Baia alters the spirit in a way that allows us to commune with the intelligent creatures. These will not allow you to speak to the average creature, but it will allow you to speak to those such as Nashoba.”

“I look forward to it. I never get to perform enough experiments that risk my life so I can talk to animals.”

“Your humor is odd. What manner of creature did you call yourself?” Buruzagi asked.

“I’m a human. How about I get to that, since it’s actually interesting?”

“You are already interesting, human. It makes me curious as to what your people are like.”

I spent the next few hours telling them of as many details as I could remember. Everything from our food to our entertainment, our clothes and culture, and, when properly motivated, how we did the no no cha cha. It was a strange thing, talking about how humans had sex with a pair of giant snake people, but if they wanted to know, modesty wasn’t going to dissuade me from answering their questions. They explained that Naga treat sex as a sacred thing, only performing it when there’s a full moon which often leads to pent up males and irritable females, but neither of them could explain why it was such a special occasion. They also said that Naga were very polygamous, preferring not to be held down to one mate, though if two fell in love and denied advances or won challenges from three suitors , that they were left alone come the time of the full moon. I found it to be a bit on the odd side, but it wasn’t really my place to judge. Buruzagi not so subtly hinted that the next full moon was coming soon and that I would be welcome to join them if I felt the desire, but I politely declined, citing my preference to knowing people before I slept with them, and the orgy of cold, scaly fuckers really didn’t sound that appealing in any case.

Night fell and the warmth of the longhouse was nice, but the moment we went outside, the sudden drop of temperature had me coughing up a storm. I felt some warm fluid on my hand and ran back into the longhouse to see what the fuck it was, but it was not red. In fact, it was black and quite scary considering I don’t make a habit of inhaling black things. The Elder told me that it may have been the smoke from the fires since most of the buildings were poorly ventilated, but I was still quite worried, so I made it clear that I wanted to get home and find a doctor. He held me for a while longer so we could get the Hizketan Baia, and he sent me away with a jar full of them. I couldn’t see what exactly they looked like since it was so dark, but I thanked him anyways and followed the escort he had detailed back to the Whitetail woods.

The fellows didn't talk all that much, but what they did say was that if I needed to find my way back, that I should follow the trail we were on. Once we got back to familiar territory, they started breaking down branches so I could find the entrance to the path and I thanked them. I’d have to visit them again some time, but it had been a bit strange to meet them so suddenly. I had spent the day with them and had forgotten about the bullshit that was waiting for me in Ponyville, so I was rather happy anyways. I would save eating the Hizketan Baia for the next day when I could have Twilight look over them, but for the time being, it was a good moment to get some much needed rest.
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I got to wake up on my own the next morning, which was quite nice. What wasn’t nice was the fact that I walked into my living room and found all five of my friends and Cuntie chilling in my living room. I glanced up at my cock and it told me it was around noon, so I guess they weren’t here at a bad time, though I was only wearing some drawers and a T-shirt which made the situation awkward. They all stared as I slowly backed into my room to put some trousers on.

I came back out and greeted them properly.

“Hullo girls. What’s with the breaking and entering?”

“Dude, why weren’t you wearing pants?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s my house. If I say I don’t want to wear pants, I most certainly will not.”

“As fascinatin’ as your wardrobe situation is, we wanna talk to ya about what happened with your journal.”

“It was an extreme invasion of my privacy, a slap in the face, and the most disrespectful event I’ve witnessed while in Equestria, and I've spoken to both of the princesses. Me. Anyone else want to add something in?”

Cuntie sagged deeper into my loveseat, her hair straight as an arrow.

“Max, you know she didn’t-” Rarity started.

“Great, I’m going to have to burn my loveseat now. I don’t think any amount of washing is going to get that kind of defilement out of the fabric.”

“Loveseat?” Twilight asked.

“Look, she didn’t-” Rarity began again

“I was rather fond of that loveseat. I guess once it’s covered in trash, it’s just not worth it any more now is it? Is there another furniture shop in town? I don’t believe I’ve seen one.”

“That’s not nice.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“That’s accurate.” I replied.

“You know Cuntie didn’t mean to hurt you, she just thought it was a prank.” Twilight started

“How would you feel if I started scribbling in your books Twilight?”

“I would be upset, but I would forgive-”

“No, no, no. I don’t mean your collection, I mean books you yourself wrote. Books that you poured your heart and soul into, something that you put nearly every waking thought and deepest feelings into. How would you feel if someone uncovered your deepest darkest secrets just for laughs?”

“I-I…” Twilight shut up.

I leaned against the wall. “Any more questions? Any more observations?” I reviewed the women in the room.

“Seriously? Nothing?”

Applejack spoke up. “There ain’t no point in talkin’ to ya while you’re like this, Max. No pony wants to risk you layin’ into ‘em.”

“I won’t lay into my friends, not again. Two nights ago, how mad was I at you, Applejack? Did I lay into you then?”

“...Ya took a pretty sharp jab at me.”

“Which is thirty nine less than I normally would have.”

I looked at her until she looked away. “You know, what I don’t understand is how you all can be friends with someone so sneaky and conniving. Someone who’ll smile in your face as she’s stabbing you in the back while knowing that you’ll bend over backwards to forgive her. I don’t understand how you can be friends with someone who looks like a twelve year old, acts like an eight year old, and tries to fuck anything that moves-”

“Max that is ENOUGH!” Rarity stood and faced me. “You have no right to say those things about Cuntie, despite what she’s done! You can’t continue like this , snapping at every pony who wrongs you just because you can-”

“Don’t you even fucking start, you lying cunt! Don’t think I forgot that bullshit you tried to pull! You will never be a good enough liar to fool me, and that little bullshit you pulled was so paper thin, I knew from the moment you opened your gob you were sayin’ bugger all, and I’m so fuckin’ disappointed in ya I don’t even want to look at ya, so why dontcha take yer bullshit right the fuck outta my house.” My inner Chav was being released and the pimp hand was warming up..

“This is exactly what I mean! You get so angry and say such terrible things to ponies who want nothing but good things for you! If you weren’t so busy being a selfish, hateful stallion, you could see that ponies make mistakes!”

“Mistakes? Ya think I give half a damn about yer little bloody mistakes!? I don’t care half the time, but when ya cross lines and play the fuckin’ victim like I’m the bloody one who started takin’ shots in the first fuckin’ place, then I got a goddamn problem with that! So fuckin’ what? What do ya fuckin’ want from me, ‘cause you already know I ain’t one a’ ya bloody ponies, so you can shove you posh little attitude up yer rotten twat!”

“Max, calm down.” Applejack got in between myself and Rarity.

“Calm down!? How bout ya take that dosey pillock and roll over, the lot of ya! See if I give a rat’s arse about whatcha do!” I opened my mouth to yell some more, but Applejack had taken my shoulders in her hands and was staring into my eyes.

“Calm. Down. We don’t gotta talk no more, okay?”

My chest was heaving, but I cooled off quickly. recognizing that Applejack was just trying to diffuse the situation.

“And another thing-” Rarity started to speak again, but her mouth was clamped shut with purple magic.

“You too, Rarity. I hate seeing my friends argue like this.” Twilight looked at her and Rarity relented, taking her outside. Cuntie had disappeared along with Rainbow sometime during the shouting match and now it was just Applejack, Fluttershy and I.

I grabbed Applejacks hand and held them between us, looking down at them. She held mine firmly and pursed her lips to the side.

“You must be mad at me too.” She said softly.

“Not anymore. I was upset, but there’s a reason I asked you and not Rarity or Rainbow where my journal was.”

“Is it the honesty thing?” She asked even softer.

“That’s a part of it, but if you didn’t want to answer, you would’ve just stayed quiet instead of flat out lying to me. No, I’m trying to say that I trust you, Applejack. You wouldn’t steer me wrong.”

“I don’t know how to take that as an insult, so I guess I can only say thank you.” She gave me a little smile.

“You know, if it had been just about anyone else, they would’ve gotten shoved so I could keep arguing.”

“What about Fluttershy?” We both looked to her and she hid behind her hair.

“Shoved.”

“Rainbow?”

“Shoved.”

“Twilight?”

“Shoved for a different reason.”

“What reason is that?”

“Magic is bullshit and she uses it too often against me.”

“That’s not the best reason.”

“It’s good enough for me. Just take the compliment, will you?”

Applejack pursed her lips and looked around. “So, what if it was Celestia?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Kissed and then shoved.”

“How the hay are ya gonna kiss somepony then shove ‘em?” She asked, bewildered.

I leaned in and kissed her, then hooked my foot around her leg and pushed her, making her land flat on her ass. I offered her a hand up.

“Like that. You shouldn’t set yourself up so easily, love.”

Applejack took my hand and pulled me down with her. “And you shouldn’t be pushin’ mares that can do that” She got to her feet and I followed soon after.

Fluttershy was still sitting on my sofa, watching us, though there was something in her gaze that made me curious.

“What’s up, Fluttershy?”

“H-How can you go from shouting and yelling to being happy and j-joking around?” She asked.

“Well, the scum that was on my loveseat fucked off and the liar went away, so my two biggest problems aren’t here right now. Plus, have you had Applejack gaze lovingly into your eyes before?” Applejack slapped the back of my head and I rubbed it. “Sorry, I meant have you ever been creepily stared at while angry?” She swung again and I ducked.

"The liar bit is rich, comin' from you, Max." Applejack smirked.

Fluttershy just looked at me. “You don’t make any sense…”

“Would you rather me stay mad and sucker punch Applejack so I can keep making everyone in the room feel like shit? Because that was pretty much the alternative.”

“I only gave ya that one freebie ‘cause ya were drunk, sugarcube. Try it again and I’ll hit back.”

“Does that include kisses? Because if that’s the case, you owe me one.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and Fluttershy giggled.

“Can I get either of you anything? Tea, coffee, a bite to eat?”

“I could use a cup of coffee.” Applejack said.

“I’d like a cup of tea, please.” Fluttershy added.

I prepared both and chatted with them a while longer, which was nice. I was still quite upset, but tried not to let on that I wanted nothing more than to track Rarity down and yell at hr some more. We caught up on the general inanities of life that had taken place since we’d last talked, though it was mostly Fluttershy going on about how her animals were doing. I now thought it was less crazy for her to talk to her animals since I had seen the Naga actually carry on a conversation with Lupa, and speaking of them, apparently neither had ever heard of the Naga, despite them living so close, which I found to be interesting. I had had plenty of coffee as I was sitting between them and had to use the restroom once or twice, and the last time I went, I found them suddenly ceasing a conversation as I walked back in.

“I washed my hands, I swear.”

“Riiight. Have a seat, Max.” Applejack patted the space between them.

“I’d rather stay standing, thank you. Better for the blood flow, it is.”

“Please, Max?” Fluttershy asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at me.

It was quite suspect, but I didn’t think either of them were going to do anything too bad, so I sat and waited.

“So… I’m sitting.”

“You sure are.” Applejack said far too brightly.

“Mmhmm!” Fluttershy hummed.

I sat and twiddled my thumbs. “Well…” I rubbed my neck.

“So, Max. How would you feel about spending some quality time with Fluttershy and I?”

“I’m perfectly fine with that, but weren’t we already spending some quality time together?”

“Well, we’re not talking about right now,” Fluttershy clarified, “but maybe later tonight.”

I looked at her. “...What kind of quality time are we talking about.”

“Not that kind! We just want to know if you’d be up for some platonic cuddling!” Applejack explained.

“So you’re not asking me for a threesome?” I inquired.

Fluttershy lit up. “N-No! I know you’re not interested in me like that…”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I stayed silent, but Applejack did not.

“I honestly don’t see why not. If I swung that way, I’d be all over ya, Fluttershy. You’re a real pretty mare.”

The buttery mare stroked her hair. “T-Thank you, but I don’t think Max feels the same way.”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna stop you girls right there. You’re fifteen years too late to try and corner me like this. The next thing you’re going to say,” I turned to Applejack, “is something along the lines of ‘I sure wonder why that is.’ and then Fluttershy will respond with ‘I don’t know, maybe we could ask him?’.”

They both found great interest in my home decor after that. I sighed.

“Look, if you want to know, just ask me to be honest with you.”

Applejack and I looked to Fluttershy who tried to hide. AJ rolled her eyes. “Gee, Max, do you find Fluttershy attractive?”

“Of course I do. She’s hotter than a twenty meter tall bonfire and twice as nice to look at.”

“So why don’t you want to sleep with me?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“I never said that I didn’t want to, I just said that I didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you.”

“Has that changed?” Applejack asked.

“It hasn’t even been a month. I’m more surprised that it’s still an issue. I thought we were fine being friends.”

“W-We are, but I-I…” Fluttershy tapered off.

Applejack just spelled it out for her. “I think what Flutters is tryin’ to say is that she wants an agreement like the one we have.”

“Fluttershy?” I asked gently. “Is that what you want?”

She nodded.

“Then I need to hear you ask.”

“M-Max-”

“No, not like that. Take a deep breath, poppet.” She did. “Look me in the eye.”

Fluttershy turned to me, struggling to maintain eye contact. I took her hands and squeezed them and her eyes flicked downwards.

“Up here, please.”

It took her a moment, but she peeled her eyes away.

“Now, is there something you want to ask me?”

She took another deep breath. “Max. I love you.”

I was fucking floored.

“What?” Applejack asked from behind me.

“I think Fluttershy just told me she loves me.” I answered.

“That’s what I thought I heard. I’m just gonna take a quick walk.” Applejack went to stand.

“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. We both looked at her.

“I know you don’t feel the same way, but I… I just want you to know that and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon but I still want to be with you and I don’t want to lie to you and let you think that if we did enter an agreement that I just suddenly started feeling this way even though I just told you, and I know that you’re not the best stallion and I’m ready to accept that, but I still want to try being with you and I promise I won’t push you to change like I was and I’ll respect your privacy and-”

I put a finger on her lips to forestall any more of her rapid fire talking. “Fluttershy, that is the most I’ve ever heard you say in one go. Breathe.”

She started hyperventilating, so I cupped her face in my hands gently. “Breathe slower.”

It took her a minute or two, but she finally managed to calm down.

“Are you sure I can’t take that walk?” Applejack asked nervously.

“Please don’t!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Alright, sugarcube.”

I coughed a couple times. “So… You know I’m a proper knob, yeah?”

“I-I don’t know what that means…”

“It means I’m mean on my good days and worse on my bad ones. What you saw earlier with Cuntie and Rarity were very good examples.”

“Who’s Cuntie?” Applejack asked.

“The pink cunt.”

“...That’s not very nice, Max.” Fluttershy stated.

I spread my hands and lifted my brows. “See what I mean? I wasn’t even trying and I’m still a prick.”

“He’s right, Fluttershy. Ya gotta have a thick skin to deal with him most days. Hay, even some of his compliments sound like insults.”

“I know what I want! You can’t change my heart on this!” She whispered. I’d say she shouted, but with her, there’s not much of a difference.

“I’m not trying to dissuade you, just warning you. We’ll see how this goes, but don’t say I didn’t give you a proper heads up, poppet.” I couldn’t turn her down in good faith since I had seen the better side of her, but I was still nervous about ruining our friendship.

“Thank you Max! You won’t regret this!” Fluttershy beamed at me with tears in her eyes and latched onto me, which I hoped wasn't an omen.

I returned her hug after a moment, but when she didn’t let go, I looked to Applejack for help and she just looked worried.

“Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Yes?”

“Can you let go, please? My ribs are creaking.”

She pulled away with a blush on her face and a smile on her lips, which made me rather nervous. Fluttershy folded her hands and looked at me.

She didn’t say anything. It was weird.

“Hey Fluttershy, why don’t we go check up on Rarity? I think Max here is gonna be just fine.” Applejack offered me an out, for which I was extremely grateful.

“Oh, I guess we could.” She didn’t look to happy about that, but she rose to join Applejack anyway. I saw them out and went to take a few shots to steady my nerves.

I was stressed the fuck out, and didn’t really want to worry them, so I had kept it to myself. It didn’t help that Fluttershy’s confession of love had blindsided me to high heaven and that Applejack had seemed upset about the ordeal, both of which were weighing on me. I couldn’t talk to Lupa because she was nowhere to be found, so I decided to get on with my day and go talk to Twilight so she could analyze the Hizketan for me.

I threw on a jacket and got to stepping, Fluttershy running rampant in my mind, and my argument with Rarity irking me to no end. I was quite annoyed by both events, and the only saving grace I had was that Cuntie had gotten the hell out of my house before I had to look at her again, and that was pretty much the highlight of my day so far. Talking with Applejack and Fluttershy had been pleasant, but the latter bit of the conversation had killed my mood something fierce. I suppose being loved should have made me happy, but my previous reservations about a relationship with her still existed, and it didn’t help that Applejack’s presence had made me feel awfully forced into agreeing. While I doubted that it had been Fluttershy’s intention, the effect was still there and that upset me as well, even though I had regretted not giving Fluttershy a chance. I hate being forced into shit, as many people do.

Having arrived at Twilight’s rather irritated and more than a bit salty, I knocked a bit harder than I had intended the first time, but regulated myself for the second two, reminding myself that Twilight hadn’t done anything to me, so taking my frustrations out on her was unfair and more prickish than I wanted to come off as. Spike answered the door with a smile that evaporated forthwith.

“Oh. Hey dude.”

“Hey, Spike. What’s up?”

He glared at me. “You lied to me.”

“About what?”

“You are in a relationship with Rarity!”

“Yeah, but probably not any more. We just had one hell of a row and I’m rather sure she thinks I’m evil.”

“Well you are! You said you wouldn’t lie to me!”

“How would you have reacted if I told you, huh? Would you have accepted that, or would you hate me for trying to let you down softly?”

“I would have understood!” He shouted petulantly.

“Fine. Ask her out. I dare you.”

“I will!”

We stood and he glared at me for a while. “So is Twilight here?”

“If she was, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“So much for being a man. You sound like a cranky crybaby.”

Spike slammed the door and I went on my way to find… Well shit. I couldn’t very well ask Rainbow where Twilight was because she was most likely with Cuntie, and I couldn’t ask Applejack or Fluttershy because they were heading over to Rarity’s, which is where Twilight probably was. There wasn’t much I could do besides go home and fuck around since I had apparently burned the fuck out of the bridge between Spike and I, so what else was there to do while I was in town?

I thought about it as I walked towards town square and it hit me; I could go shopping! I had never really ad the chance to do so in England and it was more of a necessary chore here, so shopping for fun could be an interesting experience. I needed more soap and cologne anyway, now that I had grown tired of smelling like sandalwood all the time. With a destination in mind, I sallied forth and carried on with my afternoon.

I ended up buying some soap that smelled like atypical male cologne and got the matching scented oil to go with it, foregoing the spray variety since I wanted something new. It was a rather musky, heavy scent that I would have to use lightly, but it would do. The rest of the town didn’t hold too much, so I started shopping for a new loveseat at a place called ‘Firefly’s Fantastic Furniture!’. They had some interesting wares, but there was a piece that was slightly larger than my current loveseat that I found myself very fond of, so I bought it and hired some movers to bring it over. They put it on a wagon and I lead them to my place, having them throw out my old chair and bring in the new one. It matched my current layout better than the last one had, and I actually smiled because of it. I hadn’t realized that I cared until I had done something about it and wondered what else I didn’t like about my house. I noticed that the walls seemed eerily bare, so I followed the movers back and went shopping for a few paintings to liven the place up. Unfortunately, there weren’t any specialty stores that held wall decorations like the ones I was looking for in town, but I did find that there were a few scattered about in different shops that were all done by the same three artists. I picked up a frame that portrayed the Whitetail Woods in beautiful, rich blues and bright whites and greys, while another I had purchased was more of a cityscape that was overall lighter and cast mostly in greys and blacks, which was quite contrasting to the generally vibrant tones that plagued Ponyville. Shopping around some more, I picked up a few tasteful wall sconces and some masculine candles that smelled phenomenal to with them.

I went home and realized that I had forgotten to grab hanging nails or a hammer, so out I went to the local hardware store to find some. The layout of the hardware shop made no sense, but I found everything I need eventually, and bought some carpentry supplies so I could start a hobby that I had always wanted to do. Heavily laden with a massive stack of crap, I made my way back home again as the sun was setting. Shopping had actually been fun and I was looking forward to doing it again some time, perhaps with some company.

Setting myself to do the task I had made for myself, I began finding proper places for my painting and decided that the large blue one would go in my living room behind my couch and that the other would go on the wall in front of my bed. I was sure I could have put them in better places, but I liked where they were and didn’t want to mar my walls any further, so I left them where they were and set up my wall sconces on either side of my blue painting. It went well with the general theme of the room, so I went out to my back porch and started making myself a work table. If I didn’t want it to get ruined by the weather, I was going to have to get a tarp or something of the like to cover it, but for now, the skies seemed to be darkening rapidly.

Wait, What?

A dark rainbutt was being pushed directly over my house and I had a sneaking suspicion as to who was doing the pushing of said butt. Now that I knew Pegasi were responsible for the weather, and that Rainbow Dash was the leading Weather Mare, it could be noone other than her that was trying to literally rain on my parade. As the first few drops began to fall, I moved my lumber inside so I could at least save it from getting wet before I put my laquer on it, and wondered why Rainbow was being a twat. I knew not forgiving Cuntie had probably not gone over well with her, but I was still a friend of hers at the moment and hadn’t blew up at Rainbow personally, so I figured that she would just leave me be for a while. When the booming thunder started, I quickly realized that was not going to be the case.

It was a torrential downpour that was likely going to ruin my lawn and porch if I didn’t put a stop to it, but as I looked out of my window to see if I could catch her attention, Rainbow’s signature trail zoomed across the sky toward Ponyville. Oh well, I could deal with a bit of rain.

Fluttershy and Applejack stopped by around eight, and they were both soaked when they let themselves in.

“I really have to start locking that door.” I commented before going to grab them both towels.

“I see Rainbow ain’t too happy with ya.” Applejack called from the doorway.

“I think it’s the thing with Cuntie.” I walked back in and handed both of them two towels apiece. “She’s being rather childish about the whole ordeal, if the storm is anything to go by.”

As if to prove my words, the thirteenth house shaking clap of thunder rolled in.

“Maybe you should just forgive Cuntie and let it slide, just this once.” Applejack suggested hopefully.

“Nope. I already gave her a second chance, and she’s completely blown it. I got a new loveseat, by the way” I pointed to it.

“What happened to your old one?” Fluttershy inquired softly.

“It’s out back, on my porch. Once it dries out, I’m going to have a bonfire.”

“...You’re actually just going to waste a perfectly good piece of furniture just because Cuntie sat on it?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Yup. I follow through on what I say I’ll do. Just be happy I didn’t dropkick her like I said I would. That time I guess I didn’t follow through.”

“Max…” Fluttershy expressed some discomfort and I gave her a bright smile.

“Sugarcube, that’s so petty, I don’t even know what to say.” Applejack seemed awfully disappointed.

“Then don’t say anything about it and come on in! I got a painting and some sconces while I was out. What do you think?”

They cautiously walked in a bit further. “They’re very nice, Max, but I think you’re taking this thing with Cuntie too far…” Fluttershy voiced her opinion.

“No, too far would be going to her flat, cussing her out, and tearing apart her room again just because I feel like it. Why do you girls always take the side of the trespasser?” I asked with a little grin.

Fluttershy gaped. “I-It’s not that! We just...”

“Don’t answer that, Fluttershy, he’s baitin’ ya so you’ll say something dumb. You gotta learn to watch what you say around Max or it’ll bite you in the rear faster than you can blink.”

“I like you, AJ, you’re a smart cookie. I wish you’d stop ruining my fun, but I’m glad you stepped in before I hurt Flutters’ feelings.”

“No problem.you gotta watch what ya say, too, buster. Fluttershy’s more sensitive than most ponies.”

“Eh, so you say. Do you girls want to throw your clothes in the dryer? I’ve got some robes that you can use while you wait.”

“Thank ya kindly. Mind if we use your guest room to change?” Applejack asked.

“It’s all yours, though I don’t see why you would need to. I’ve seen both of you wearing far less before.” They both blushed and Applejack lightly smacked my arm as she walked past me.

“You’re terrible. You know that, right?” She told me, only half joking.

“You remind me every chance you get.”

I made some tea while I waited for them, and put some biscuits on a platter. I had bought them earlier while shopping since they seemed tasty, and I needed some snacks for my guests. I tried one and my assumption had been quite correct, so I sat in my easy chair and waited for my lady friends to come out and keep me company.

They came out of the back room a minute or two later with their clothes neatly folded, handing them off to me for drying. Applejack took up a spot on one end of the couch and Fluttershy on the other, leaving the middle for me again. I took my place and laid back.

“So how have you girls been for the rest of the day?”

“Fine, though Rarity’s still upset with you.” Applejack remarked evenly, taking my arm and resting her head on my shoulder. Fluttershy laid her head on my lap and I let my hand glide through her mane.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine in a few days, she just needs to cool down. It does bother me that she’s often the first to take a stance against me, though.” I remarked

Applejack interlaced my fingers with her and drew a triangle on the back of my hand, which I found very appropriate. “We’ve talked to her, and it’s just that she expects more from ya, Max. She thinks you’re a better guy than you pretend to be, even if you are changing.”

“If I was a better guy, I probably wouldn’t have attacked Cuntie’s self esteem. It takes a lot to earn my enmity for any real period of time, however, and I would like to think you girls understand that.”

“We do, but Rainbow and Rarity think you’re just being cruel for the sake of it, and the nickname you’ve given Cuntie doesn’t really prove them wrong.” Fluttershy replied.

Applejack tapped the center of her triangle and started again. “I get your side of it pretty well. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I don’t remember you ever forgivin’ Cuntie for eavesdroppin’ on ya in the Lock Pad, or for tellin’ me about your past, come to think of it.”

“I never did because she never apologized. That was strike one.”

“So if she apologized for it, would you forgive her?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Hell no. If she can proposition me without ever bringing it up, then she obviously never felt bad about it. The constant propositioning was strike two, by the way.”

Applejack drew a hexagon. “And strike three was the journal?”

“Yup.”

“So nopony else has crossed a line three times with you?” She asked, confused.

“Not without showing remorse each time. I may have had multiple rows with Celestia and Fluttershy,” I pinched the yellow mare’s cheek, “but those were mutual things. I did something that upset them and they let me know, which ended with arguing and once with a kiss.”

Applejack stopped her doodling. “So it’s okay because everypony involved was angry?”

“No, it’s okay because it never went past harsh words. There was no revealing of secrets, no theft, and no personal injury to either party.”

She flipped my hand over and started tapping a beat onto my palm. "You’re an odd one at first glance, but the more ya explain things, the better I think I understand ya. You’re a private fella who doesn’t like to open up to people, but you’ll do it if ya feel you need to. You’re mean at times, but I think it’s more that you’re dedicated to a good joke or that you want people to learn from what you believe are mistakes, rather than just bein’ an ass for the sake of it. How am I doin’ so far?”

“You’re hitting the nail on the head for the most part. Sometimes I am mean for the sake of it, but that’s the culture I was raised into; we take the piss and let it all go, so that’s why I don’t really hold grudges for arguments. That, and if I’m going at it with someone, then they obviously have something on their mind that’s bothering them, so I can’t really stay mad about someone finding a way to get their frustrations out. I’d say it’s an English thing, arguing, but it’s just as British.”

“What’s the difference?” Fluttershy poked my side.

“Well, I’m from the country of England, but Britain is like a small coalition of a few other countries that are on the same island, like Wales and Scotland.”

“Oh, you mean like the island of Whales, Scotchland and Bridleland?” Fluttershy asked.

“...Fucking gross. I guess Scotchland is accurate, though, since the Scots in my world were a bunch of drunks.”

“The Scotch ponies here are famous for their ale, but not for scotch whiskey. They actually get their name from butterscotch. Scotch butterscotch is the best in the world.” Applejack sighed.

“Please don’t tell me you coat apples in butterscotch.” I groaned.

She lifted her head from my shoulder and looked at me. “That may be the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

I shivered and gagged. “Butterscotch is terrible!”

“I like it…” Fluttershy stated.

“So do I.”

“Both of you are sick in the head. Explains why you enjoy my company.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and laid her head back where it had been. “You say that like ya have no self confidence, but I think we know better.”

“No, you’re actually right on that to a point. I have the odd problem of I’m the coolest sentient being on the planet while simultaneously hating myself to the core.”

“How do you even manage that?” Applejack scoffed.

“A beautiful balance of self loathing and narcissism. What about you, Applejack? What do you think of yourself?”

“Well, I think I’m just your average-” I chuckled, “What’s so funny?”

“You are certainly not average, but please, continue.”

“As I was saying, just an average country mare with a big heart, a thick hide, and honesty pourin’ from every pore.”

“That’s pretty true, except for the average part. You might be the most normal of my friends, but none of you are average.”

“...Even me?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Yes, you too. Average doesn’t describe any of you very well, at least not in my book. Then again, I’m not even from here so I guess my opinion doesn’t count for much on that front.”

“Speaking of your book, is what’s goin’ on right now going into it?”

“Everything goes in there. What I think about what I wake up, what I cook for Lupa, what I did all day and all the conversations I have. Everything.”

Applejack squeezed my hand. “So when you say everything, do you mean in great detail too, or just mentions?”

“I put in a good bit of detail, though there are a few things I leave out. Mostly because I just don’t think they’re terribly important or pertinent to providing an accurate picture of my life. I skip the days where I’m not doing much by just putting what goes on in a paragraph or a few sentences so I don’t get bored if I ever decide to read back through them. One day, I plan on sharing them with Celestia so we can have a laugh or just talk about it.”

Fluttershy sat up. “Why Princess Celestia in particular?”

“Well, it’s Celestia. What else can I say?”

“...Will you ever share them with me?”

“That’s asking a lot of me rather early on, poppet.”

“Well, I want to see you journal too.” Applejack added.

“Not happening, both of you. If I ever feel the desire to let you into my mind, I will, albeit begrudgingly, answer your questions. The only reason I want to share my journals with Celestia is because my days are numbered and hers on not. When I’m dead and gone, I want her to have something to remember me by.”

“That’s real sweet, sugarcube, but kinda depressing.”

“No shit. Dying doesn’t sound like the happiest prospect, but it’s something we all do eventually, save for Celestia and Luna apparently.”

“That’s just the way Alicorns are, I suppose. Nopony’s ever seen one die.” Applejack explained

“No one you know of, at least. How about we get off of this depressing topic and go back to snuggle time? You girls are awfully cuddleable.”

“Well...” They said in unison.

Applejack spoke first. “I got a question, Max.”

“Yes?”

“How much of what we, er, DID, did you write down.”

I felt my face heat up and I scratched at my face.

Fluttershy tugged at my sleeve. “That’s my question too.”

“It’s a lovely night for a walk, isn’t it? Why don’t we kip on over to somewhere this conversation isn’t happening?”

“Max,” Applejack didn’t sound angry per se, “how much detail did you put in there?”

“Well, you see, I consider it a rather important occurrence and there’s a delicate balance-”

“You’re tryin’ to dodge the question and it ain’t workin’. I want to see that part in particular, since it’s me in there. That’s not askin’ too much, is it?”

“Well, I suppose it’s fair, but it’s rather personal.”

“I want to see mine as well!” Fluttershy added.

They were both staring at me with such an intensity that I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Normally, I could have kept a cool head and brushed them off, but they had a right to know what I had written about them in that respect, but I was iffy on sharing my mid-coital thoughts with them. I couldn’t talk my way out of it with both of them sitting there, and I didn’t think my obvious discomfort was going to convince them to leave it be, so I could either tell them both no and leave it at that, or take the risk of letting them see my work.

Fuck me, right?

“Fine, I’ll go get your respective pages-”

“PAGES?” Applejack asked, astonished.

“Well… Yes?”

They traded a look and they both blushed, leaving the three of us doing our best imitations of a tomato.

I walked off quickly and heard them whisper to each other as I left. Wondering just what in the bloody fuck I was doing with my life at this given moment, it took me a good while to sort through my writings and find their individual sections, placing the rest of my pages on my bed so I could organize them when they were finished reading. I was quite anal about how I kept my notes, thank you very much, and I wasn’t going to change that anytime soon. I even had headings on the individual pages so I could keep them in order. Obsessive tendencies aside, I returned to the living room with a very awkward silence awaiting me.

“So… Uh…” I handed each of them a few pages and they looked at my tidy scrawl in shock.

“You write this small and yet you filled three pages.” Applejack gaped.

“Well, there was a lot going on…”I paced back and forth as they began reading, casting furtive glances at me every few moments.

I decided to make myself scarce and went for my liquor and brought out three tumblers, dropping three ice cubes in each and filling them rather high. I know I needed it at the moment. Presenting the glasses to them, they both sniffed the amber liquid and drank quickly, Fluttershy sputtering when she finished hers.

“Why does it burn so much!?” She croaked.

“Because it’s good.” I set the bottle on the coffee table and pulled my easy chair to the other side. “I feel somewhat left out. Do either of you keep a record of some kind?”

They shook their heads and kept reading, their cheeks maintaining the blush from earlier as they read on. Fluttershy began fanning herself a few minutes in and Applejack was crossing and uncrossing her legs, never seeming to keep them one way or the other for very long.

“Hey, Max?” Applejack asked softly, her gaze still on the pages.

“Yes, love?”

“Did Cuntie ever say how far she got in your journals?”

“Yeah, she said she got a little past Fluttershy’s bit.”

Fluttershy looked up and her eyes widened.

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I was so pissed that she read through it in the first place. Those are very intimate details.”

“I’ll say. I don’t want to repeat any of this to anypony. Ever.”

“Yeah, let’s not do that and keep this to ourselves, yeah?”

“...I had no idea The Princess was doing that during my massage.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I can tell you that it was a shock to me as well.”

“It seems like you rather enjoyed it.”

“...So I did.” I drained my glass again and filled theirs while I was at it. I have a full glass policy in my house, and it served me well in such situations.

Fluttershy handed me back her pages first and I put them back in their rightful place while Applejack was still reading. She finished shortly after and I was grateful for the extra reason to leave the room. I sat back down in the easy chair after hiding my journal again.

“So, what did you think?” I asked shyly.

Applejack drummed her fingers on the armrest of the couch. “...I think you’re a very creative fella who has something he needs to do right about now.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement.

“And that would be?”

I learned what that was very quickly, with no further explanation needed. They asked me to leave our actions out of my journals for the time being, so you’ll find no smut here. I must say, Applejack pushed some interesting boundaries she had previously laid, and I was much happier for it in the end. I can't go into much detail, sadly, but I asked and I was told that I can say that it was a very good night.

If you’re reading this and you’re not me or Celestia, Go Fuck Yourself.

Chapter Eighteen: Capital G

The day started off pretty fantastic with two beautiful women resting on either arm and a familiar ache in my pelvis, specifically around the 'Ol Chap. It had been a pretty great night that I’m not allowed to write about, but I can say with a smile on my face that it was one of the better nights I had spent in Ponyville, if not the best. It took me a bit to extricate myself from my position, but it was well worth the patience required so I could let Applejack and Fluttershy sleep on for a bit longer. They’d had quite the time of it, so I was content to let them rest a while. I got breakfast started in order to regain some of the calories I had burned. It was darker than an Irish stout in my house, so I blundered about my hallway until I could flip the light on in my living room.

Once I could see where the Hell I was going, I went back into my room and grabbed some clothes at random. It’s not like my entire wardrobe didn’t match itself, so I didn’t fret over what I had picked, alternatively focusing on not waking Fluttershy and Applejack. I kept my shower quick as I usually did and sparingly applied my new oil to my wrists and neck after shaving off the mess that had sprouted on my face. Once was clean shaven and handsome again, I put on the black shallow V-Neck that I had grabbed and went on to find something else to do.

Rainbow Dash’s storm was still going strong with it's howling wind rattling my windows and the occasional thunderclap still shaking my house. We had gotten used to it rather quickly over the course of the night, and being from England, I really didn’t give a damn about a bit of rain. It’s not like it was going to be much more than a nuisance, and it wouldn’t even be that if I didn’t allow it to be, so I let it be and worried not, preferring to get started on food for the morning rather than doting on my friend’s foolishness. I was still going to chew her out for making me stub my toe in the dark, but the rain didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Ponies rarely enough ate eggs in the morning, but since I was well aware of my own nutritional needs, they had become a mainstay in my diet along with spinach and a few choice fruits. I chopped some pears, diced some apples into large chunks, sliced some bananas, added some pineapple for vitamin C and wondered what in the shit I was doing. I had never made a fruit salad, and felt rather fruity for doing and wondered what had gotten into me all of a sudden.

Basking in the afterglow perhaps?

I briefly considered doing away with the brightly colored monstrosity that I had made, but I instead elected to save it for the ladies. I wondered if I should wake them to tell them that breakfast was nearly ready, but as the thought was being prepared for deliberation, I came to realize that they would probably prefer a shower and their clothes before any sort of meal, as was my own inclination. The laundry room was at the end of the hallway near my bedroom, so I made sure to be extra stealthy while I tried to judge between whose clothes belonged to whom. The pink, lacy bra and knickers I associated with Fluttershy when into her stack, and the somewhat plain, yellow livery went to Applejacks. Both had been wearing jeans when they arrived, so it was hard to tell them apart, so I trusted that the smaller pair belonged to Applejack due to her ridiculous level of fitness, though it wasn’t as if Fluttershy was very far from being the same size. In fact, the number on the tags were actually a digit apart, so it was just guesswork.

I set their respective piles on the nightstands closest to them and grabbed my journal so I could catch it up. I wasn’t quite finished when they both came out ,lacking any manner of clothing, but I was close enough.

“Good morning, ladies. I figured you two would want to get dressed before starting your day, so I put your clothes on the nightstands.” I commented, doing my best to peel my eyes away from the lovely sight. I failed miserably, but it wasn’t something I was sad about.

“I’d like a shower first.” Applejack yawned. “Is that storm still blowin’?”

“It is. Rainbow put a on Hell of a show, that’s for sure. I hope she hasn’t ruined my lawn.”

“I don’t think that’s what you should be worried about, Max.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“Eh, it is what it is. No point in letting it bother me if I don’t have to. It’s just a spot of rain after all.”

“Yeah, it’s rain in this one spot. The skies around the rest of town are completely clear, or at least they were last night. I can’t even tell what time it is!” Applejack looked out of my living room window at the darkness that was wreathed around my home. The sun shone at the edge of my property, but there wasn’t much to go by.

“I’ve seen worse. If anything, I’ll write to Celestia and have her put a stop to it if it continues for the rest of today.”

“It scares me a bit that you can do that.” Applejack muttered.

“Perks of being sexy. Speaking of, I made some breakfast, so if you two want to put the goods away and get your morning routine started, we can get to eating.”

“May I go first?” Fluttershy meekly asked. “I’ve got to go take care of my animals, I wasn’t expecting to stay the night.”

“Sure thing, Flutters.” Applejack strolled over and laid on my couch.

I may have let my gaze linger as she passed by, but I switched it to Fluttershy. “Your things should be on the left table, and there’s some scented soap under the sink and some vanilla soap in the shower. Do you remember where the washcloths are?”

“Yes. I’ll try to be quick.” I openly stared as she went to get her business started. My God, did Fluttershy have an amazing arse.

“Remind yourself to blink sometime, sugarcube. I don’t think you’ll miss anything you haven’t seen before.”

“How can I waste time blinking when I have two marvelous women strutting about my house in the Au Naturale? This doesn’t happen as often as I’d like, so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.” I stood and sat on the floor next to the couch, facing the same way as Applejack.

She rolled over on her side. “You’re not gonna put this part of the morning in your journal, are you?”

“I sure am, though I’ll leave out any terribly descriptive details for your modesty or whatever. Last night won’t get much of a mention, and will not make it in with any real detail, but I’m still going to document a bit of it.”

“I guess that’s fair. Just don’t say anythin’ about when I went down on Fluttershy or the rest of it, will ya? That’s not somethin’ I want ponies to know about.”

“If people respect my goddamn privacy, no one would ever know in the first place.” I booped her nose. “How was that for you, by the way?”

“...It was a bit weird, and I don’t think I’m good at it, but I can’t complain. Are you gonna put this conversation in your journal?”

“I’d be lying if I said no.”

“Then I guess I gotta be more careful with what I say.”

“Love, you’ve already read the stuff I’ve put in there about you. A few extra words aren’t going to condemn you.”

“So if I said that Fluttershy tastes like some kinda cake that would make it in?”

“It wouldn’t if you asked me not to.”

She leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. “You’re not as bad as you pretend to be sometimes. Only sometimes though.”

“And you’re not as normal as you say you are. I can’t believe you stuck your tongue in there!”

Applejack’s face flushed. “That was an accident, darn it!”

“Fluttershy didn’t seem to mind.” I gave her a cheeky grin and she swung a hand at my head. I laid down to dodge it and came back up laughing.

“You’re pure evil sometimes, you know that?”

“And you’re kinky as hell sometimes. There’s worse things to be in your case though. I guess I’m just stuck being the bad guy.”

“If ya didn’t act like it so much, no pony would say it.” She laid flat on her back. I tried not to look at her breasts.

“If I didn’t act like I do, I’d be boring as hell. Admit it, it’s like, half the reason you like me so much.”

“Ya do make life interesting, I’ll give you that.”

We bantered back and forth until Fluttershy came out of the lavatory, and Applejack took off to get her morning properly started. Fluttershy sat on the couch and I hopped up next to her. She was quick to get up close and personal with her snuggling, but I wasn’t complaining in the slightest. She had left her bra off and her breasts were pressing against my arm in the most delightful way.

“How was the shower poppet?” I asked politely.

“It would have been more fun if you had joined me, but I guess it was okay.” She flirted shamelessly. Getting Fluttershy alone really was the key factor in getting her to ease up.

“Maybe next time. I have to ask: why did you leave your bra off? I know I set it on the rest of your clothes when I got them together for you.”

“I thought you might like it more.” She held my hand. “Thank you for that, by the way, it was very sweet of you.”

“I try, occasionally, but don’t get used to it. I’m not walking to your house at five in the morning just to set your clothes out for you.”

She giggled and squeezed my hand. “What would you walk to my house at five in the morning for, hmm?”

“Breakfast, if you make it that early. To visit Lupa if she’s there. Speaking of, I haven’t seen her for a bit, have you?”

“She stopped by to play with Bearett before going into the Everfree yesterday, but I haven’t seen her since. Is she upset with you?”

“No, I don’t- Hold up. Have you ever heard of something called Hizketan Baia?” I asked excitedly.

“No, I don’t believe I have. What is it?” She lifted her head from my shoulder and I bounded away, grabbing the urn with them inside.

I uncovered the jar and held a few out to her. “These are berries grown in the Everfree. The Naga gave them to me as a gift of goodwill and I was wondering if you may have eaten any by chance.”

“They look familiar, but if I ever ate them, it was when I was young. I was a little voracious in my youth.” She blushed adorably.

“Fluttershy, can you actually converse with your animals?”

“I-I don’t understand. Of course I talk to them.”

“But can you understand what they’re saying?” I looked deep into her eyes.

They held a truth that I doubt she had ever spoken. She looked away from me. “You think I’m crazy.”

“No, I think you ate these berries when you were a little girl, and they’re what allows you to talk to them.”

“I don’t think there’s anything that allows a pony to do that, Max.” Fluttershy’s eyes returned to mine.

“There might just be. The Naga told me these berries allow them to talk to animals like Lupa, Bearett and fantastic Mr. Foxy. I watched them talk to Lupa, and they understood her perfectly.”

“But I don’t understand them perfectly, I just know the general idea of what they’re saying for the most part.” Her curiosity was piqued.

“How about you and I take some time to get Twilight to analyze these so we can see if they’re dangerous, and have ourselves a little experiment?” I grinned at her.

She didn’t look too sure. “I don’t think Twilight will know too much about these, but I do know a mare who’s very knowledgeable when it comes to the flora of the Everfree.”

“Then we’ll visit her first, and save Twilight as a back up. What do you say, poppet? Are you up for some science?”

“I guess I am, but if those berries are from the Everfree, then they’re more magic than science. Twilight and Zecora are very particular about the difference.”

“Nerds, the lot of ‘em. I don’t have anything to do today, so I can help you with your animals and we can get to the interesting bit.”

Fluttershy looked offended. “My animals are plenty interesting!”

I sat the earthen jar on my coffee table and plopped down next to her. “I’m not saying they aren’t, I’m just saying that being able to talk to them like we are right now would be far cooler.”

“I suppose you have a point, but I would still like you to apologize.” She huffed.

I kissed her cheek and she didn’t respond, turning her head away from me. I saw an opportunity to move her hair and pepper some kisses along her neck which made her shiver.

“How’s that for an apology?”

“If that’s how you want to do it, I won’t object.” She gave me a little smile.

I rolled my eyes and carried on with giving her some affection for a while. A few minutes later, Applejack walked out of the lavatory and saw Fluttershy and I snogging like a pair of teenagers.

“Get a room, will ya?” Applejack smirked, fastening the last few buttons on her flannel.

Fluttershy jerked away.

“This is a room, is it not?” I replied cheekily.

“Fair enough, I guess. What’s for breakfast? Other than Fluttershy’s lips?”

The woman in question was bright red, and I just patted her shoulder before standing. “We’ve got fruit salad and spinach. I’m going to whip up some eggs, if you want any.”

“I’ll take some.” Applejack and I walked into my kitchen and I got started. After calming down a bit, Fluttershy joined us and began chatting with AJ about some stuff I wasn’t really interested in, so kept my attention on my skillet.

Breakfast was nice, and we made it last a good while, talking between the three of us. We tried not to leave anyone out of the conversation, but I ended up doing more listening than either of the ladies. I wasn’t sad about that; in fact, I was just happy that I was getting to spend time with them that didn’t involve sex or cuddling, not that I minded either. It was just nice to have breakfast with a couple friends

Speaking of friends, I was going to have to send that letter to Celestia sooner rather than later because Rainbow’s storm had only gotten worse over night. There were scorch marks all around my yard from where lightning had struck and damage to my front porch. I could deal with the rain, but fucking with my property was a completely different matter. I resolved to have a little talk with Rainbow about proper responses to things that didn’t involve one personally, and it was most likely going to involve a lot of swearing. In the meantime, however, Applejack, Fluttershy, and I were sprinting away from my house being blown to and fro by the high winds, but once we got clear of the hellscape that was my land, all was fine and sunny. Once I was a good distance away from my home, I was fucking furious. My roof was damaged to high hell and upon walking around to see my back porch, I saw that my patio furniture had been blown away to Lord knows where. Applejack literally had to drag me away from town so I wouldn’t hunt Rainbow down, and promise me that she would get in contact with the weather team.

I tried to cool down as I was walking with Fluttershy to her cabin, but Rainbow’s bullshit had gone too far. She was now causing serious damage to my home and belongings, which I seriously doubted she could pay for. This wasn’t something you did to a friend, no matter how pissed you were at them. Shouting? Yes. Fisticuffs? Likely. Tearing apart their first and only home? Unforgivable. Fluttershy tried to calm me down, and I would have appreciated her efforts more if I didn’t have a headache from pure, pent up rage. When we got to her house, her smaller animals avoided me, and even my pathetic attempts at being polite were coming off as sharp and severe.

Fluttershy sat me down at her kitchen table and went to work, telling me not to worry about helping her since my vibe was frightening the fauna she tended to. I felt bad about making her do her work alone after I had offered to help, so I slapped myself and got my shit together before putting on my game face. The critters that be were still wary of me, but as I was under Bearett’s watchful eye, they apparently felt that it was safe to be around me. I smiled at them without showing my teeth since I had read somewhere that it was a sign of aggression amongst wildlife, and it seemed to do wonders for my mood. Forcing a smile choked down my rage and I eased up over the course of an hour, though I was tired from lugging around heavy sacks of feed. Fluttershy performed the task with no outward signs of stress due to her pony physicality, and I struggled to match her as best I could. I had always been a bit of a geek when it came to animals, and Fluttershy’s home had no shortage of them, so I was able to put my sour mood behind me with a little extra help.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We finished earlier than Fluttershy usually did because, apparently, I’m better at dealing with animals than the rest of our friends. It was a compliment that made me feel proud, and I wondered if I should hang out with Fluttershy more often and see what we could do together. Her animals were beginning to like me again, and the intelligent one’s never held much of a grudge against me in the first place, so it was nice that I could now visit any time I felt like it and be welcomed. I suppose that having Fluttershy’s approval as well as her scent lingering on me didn’t hurt at all.

Fluttershy lead the way through the Everfree since she knew this particular bit far better than I. It totally had nothing to do with dat ass. The journey only took about fifteen or so minutes, and our destination seemed to be a strange, warped tree that had bottles of various colors and liquids hanging from it’s lowest branches. African style masks decorated the door of the oddity, making me feel a bit uncomfortable about the ordeal. It had the general effect of a witch doctor’s home with it’s mystique and voodoo-esque air about it, but it grew on me the closer we got. The vibe became more inviting the closer we got, and I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of person would live in such a place as the Everfree and couldn’t think of a terribly good reason besides finding exotic ingredients for things like the potions hanging outside.

Fluttershy knocked softly on the door, so I stepped past her and made some audible ones, just in case our soon to be host wasn’t standing right next to the door. We stood side by side and waited for a bit. Nothing. I was reaching up to knock again when the door suddenly opened, revealing a rather interesting looking zebra wearing what seemed to be a loincloth and a fabric boulder holder. She had large hoop earrings that I guessed to be made out of pure gold from the way her ears drooped a bit, and a necklace of the same material. I had to say, she wasn’t my cup of tea, but she was attractive in her own right. Slim and toned, her figure reminded me of Rainbow Dash, but taller and with B-cups.

“Why hello, Fluttershy and new guest! What brings you to my humble nest?” The Zebra asked kindly.

“Hello, Zecora. This is my friend, Max. He has some berries we’d like you to take a look at.”

I offered her my hand. “Wotcher, Zecora. Your home is awesome.”

She shook it with a smile. “It is nice to meet a new face, though one like yours, I’ve seen not a trace.”

“Do you rhyme all the time, or just occasionally?”

“It is something I just do, now please come in and your energy renew.”

I stepped in and looked around. “That last one was a bit of a stretch, love. The reason you haven’t seen a face like mine is because mine is the only one like it around these parts. Well, in this world actually.”

“Yes, Max is the only human we know of.” Fluttershy added.

“Oh is this true, what you say? From what world have you lost your way? I must ask you to tell your tale; I’m sure it must be quite the whale!”

Her rhyming was starting to get on my nerves since they were shitty, but I brushed it aside since we were here for her help. “I don’t really know how I got here, and the events prior to my coming are something I won’t talk about for a while longer. It’s not a happy tale by any sense of the word, and I haven’t even told my lovers about it yet.”

“I-I never thought to ask how you got here…” Fluttershy remarked softly.

“Please don’t. As I said, it’s not sunshine and rainbows. It was quite painful and something I don’t really want to discuss.” I held the earthen jar between my hands and tried not to crush ot. Those were not memories I was ready to talk about.

“Perhaps a trade is what you’re after? My story may give you some laughter! Or we could get down to business, since it seems you have your subject with us.”

I opened the lid to the jar and held it out to her. “Yeah, I have some berries the Naga call ‘Hizketan Baia’, would you happen to know anything about them?”

She took the jar and inspected a handful. “This is knowledge I do possess, though how you got them, I must request.”

“My companion, a dire wolf I named Lupa, lead me to their camp somewhere in the Everfree. I talked with them for a while and they asked me questions about my world. If you can ascertain whether or not these are safe for consumption, I’ll offer you the same deal.”

“A worthy deal, I must say. To meet a human is not every day. These berries should be stewed, soon enough, a potion I will brew. While we wait, may I ask my questions? I will keep quick this session.”

“Yeah that’s fine by me. Those rhymes were great, by the way.”

“Thanks.” She replied.

“So you don't have to rhyme!”

“Your comment is drawing blanks.”

“Fuck you.” I laughed.

Fluttershy gasped. “Max! You shouldn’t say that to someone who’s helping us!”

“Fluttershy, dear, please relax. I take no offense from vulgar Max.”

“You shouldn’t unless ‘fuck you’ is followed by a string of other swears. You could learn from our gracious host, poppet”

Fluttershy grumbled and Zecora chuckled, before filling her cauldron with water and dumping my entire jar of berries in there. She started asking questions in her queer prose that I answered to the best of my abilities and I painted her a picture of my little slice of the world, telling her of the paved roads and lights that ran on electricity instead of magic, of carriages that needed no cattle to pull them and trains that could pass you faster than one’s eye could blink. I had my small audience enraptured and I spoke for much of the visit, pausing only to wet my throat on occasion. I found that, with the right questions, I could talk for hours on end about my previous home. I’m sure I gave them quite the mental image of my world, but with only as stick and the dirt outside, I couldn’t draw them a very good picture of, well, anything really, but if I could contact a painter of some kind, I'm sure they'd come up with something interesting. Maybe I could have Twilight work some magic so I could have a few accurate images of my former home.

We had taken up plenty of Zecora’s day by the time our potion was done. For some odd reason that I blamed magic for, there was only enough for three bottles of it, one for each available party. The friendly Zebra had assured us that the potion wouldn’t kill us, so we hastened out of the forest to give it a shot back at Fluttershy’s house. Honestly, we were giddy like a couple of naughty secondary schoolers about to steal from their parents liquor cabinet. Except I had my own liquor, we were both of legal age, and we were actually drinking a sketchy potion from a witch doctor who lived in an evil forest.

Life in Ponyville is weird sometimes.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fluttershy and I sat in her kitchen, each of us holding a bottle of plum purple liquid that warmed when you shook it. I found it to be quite worrisome, and Fluttershy balked, but we both were curious.

“...I’ll drink it if you do.” She affirmed.

“I’ll do it if you do.” We looked at each other and back to our strange beverages.

“...At the same time?”

“Yeah, sounds like the only way we’re going through with it.”

We uncorked the bottles and counted to three, upturning them simultaneously. The drink itself was actually rather sweet, but the aftertaste was absolutely savage. I started dry heaving immediately after drinking the last drop, but Fluttershy seemed fine to me. She rushed over and placed a hand on my back, kneeling by my side. I got myself under control, but the drink had started out tasting like blackberry jam and ended with rancid meat mixed with cat urine. I clenched my eyes shut and doubled over, my stomach feeling like it had been punched by Applejack.

“Max! Are you okay? What happened?” The panic evident in her voice.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” I coughed, trying to regain my breath. “The aftertaste just got to me.”

“I didn’t notice anything, it was kind of like drinking thicker grape juice.”

“It started just fine, but the last bit was just awful!” The pain in my stomach was easing and I opened my eyes. It was then that I knew I had fucked up real good.

(Ctrl+F Scary Shit is Over to Skip)

Fluttershy’s flesh was peeling away from her face in chunks and strips, revealing tendons and ligaments underneath as her hair withered and turned gray, a cloud of spiders bursting forth from her scalp as if she had a nest of black widows within her head. I held my hand up and saw rotten flesh that had been chewed away by by tiny rodent teeth to the point where bones were showing the back and fingertips, spewing forth black blood that coated everything. Fluttershy’s shack transformed before my eyes, her animals turning into horrible demonic beings that screeched and cried, drowning out all sense.

“Max?” Fluttershy’s voice had warped, becoming gravelly, deep, and dreadful.

The seat I was sitting on was made of rended flesh and gristle, reeking of rotting decay. I heard the door open with a slam and the Chief walked in, tall and foreboding with his billy club in hand, smiling wide with teeth reminiscent of a shark's.

“Fluttershy?” I whispered. My voice was weak and frail, sounding like it would crack in the softest of breezes.

“Yes, Kaid?” Her voice boomed in my ears and I jolted, falling out of the chair of gore. “Welcome to Hell, Kaid. You deserve to be here. This is your new home; you should get used to it. Your time in heaven has passed, and you didn’t deserve a single moment, but you’re here now and that’s all that matters. Welcome Home.”

I lost my fucking mind.

I screamed and ran through the Chief, out the door, and into a whole new level of nightmares. Minotaurs and Centaurs dressed in black and red armour paraded around the circle of brimstone I was standing on and fire surrounded the edges. The cries of the damned pierced through my eardrums and the cacophony of suffering brought tears of blood to my eyes, filling me with such a feeling of impending dread that I felt like I was suffocating. My vision grew darker and darker, but the sanctuary of comatose bliss was denied to me. The world grew brighter than the lightest day and I looked up at the pitch black sky that held blood red stars; souls of those that had been truly evil, and now my own little circle was rising rapidly to meet them, growing hotter with every centimeter until it felt like my skin should have burned off long ago.

Agony doesn’t even begin to describe it. My very bones felt like each was fracturing piece by piece, my joints turning into molten cores of lead, making moving impossible, and with the speed that I was ascending, I was forced into the ground, making a divot in the surface. Maggots and grubs crawled across my bare skin and devoured every molecule of muscle, every millimeter of skin, every ounce of fat until all I had was the eyes in my head.

The ascension stopped and I was grabbed by a creature that I recognized from my occult reading as a Blemmyes and was torn apart anew, my body regenerating only to be ripped and gnawed on by the hideous creature. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, and there was no end to my suffering. I had truly gone to Hell. I had died from the Chiefs ministrations and gone through a period of relative calm that was Purgatory, or perhaps Heaven, and was rended from my old existence and thrust into the place I really belonged. After what felt to be years of being bisected, I was thrown down to brimstone once more and the cycle repeated again, this time, with four Gryphons and three Ponies chanting in a wicked, malevolent language that burrowed its way into my mind, forcing me into each of their positions as they died.

I caught a serrated, evil looking black knife to the eye, but didn’t die. It was ripped out, and my body healed.

A similar knife hit me in the throat and was removed the same way.

One more hit my in the chest, but soon after, a hellhound charged me and tore me apart like I had been before, this time in smaller chunks.

I was allowed to heal and the hellhound tore me apart again.

Forced to stand by an unknown entity, I was hit three times; Once in the throat, heart, and jugular.

Another, larger knife slammed into my back, throwing me onto my face when I erected again.

The chanting grew louder and the hellhound came circling for one more go.

This is what the men I had killed went through. This was a hell of my own design, that of which I had wished upon so many people throughout my life. My mind was not allowed to break. I was not to be offered the asylum of insanity. I was here to suffer, and just as I resigned myself to my fate, a great hole opened in the sky, bleeding a beautiful white light, and plucked me from the valley of death.\

(Ctrl+F Scary Shit is Over to Skip)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My body ached from the years of torture I had gone through, my soul was razed and my mind was still reeling from processing all of the pain at once, but with the gentlest touch of a hand, my dread, pain, and afflictions were gone, leaving me feeling whole for the first time in so long, I couldn’t recall. My memories of Ponyville were but a distant memory now, and my life on Earth was faded and grey.

I lay on the floor for a while, trying to collect myself, but I had been broken into so many pieces, I could hardly bear to breathe, let alone form any sort of respectable posture. I wept until I could weep no more and stayed still for a while longer as the pain continuously faded from my body until I could sit up. It was difficult, getting used to having limbs again, but I managed to get myself upright. I scanned my surroundings in a daze; it was a rather boring beige room with no doors or windows, but it did have a clashing grey table sitting in the middle of it, along with two very uncomfortable looking chairs. I tried to stand multiple times, but my legs felt like they had never been used before, so I dragged myself to one of the chairs and climbed up, my muscles protesting every movement. I wouldn’t have even bothered, but for some reason, I felt compelled to sit there, so I pushed myself to my limits and only allowed myself to rest once I was there.

I face planted on the table and panted from my exhaustive efforts. I sat like that, waiting to catch my breath until someone coughed. I was ready to crawl away if I had to, but the moment I laid eyes on the entity across from me, I felt no further desire to do so.

This pathetic thief of both things intangible and impalpable was looking upon the face of God.

God was a short black guy.

“Hello, Kaid.”

There’s no point in trying to accurately describe his voice. It was like a melodious symphony of cadences that the Human ear could never hope to comprehend, and that one could never imagine unless they heard it straight from the source, and try as I might, this is the best way I can portray it. I stared blankly at God for a bit.

“You know, most people have that reaction.”

“...I would assume so. I thought you’d-”

“Be taller? Look more majestic? Be more of a marvel? It gets old, having your children look up at you. I find being looked down upon to be much more interesting.”

“I suppose being almighty gives you certain liberties.”

“I’m not almighty, Kaid. Despite what that asinine book says, I can’t do everything. I can’t even make a rock I can’t lift.” God smiled.

“In fairness, I’m willing to bet you’re probably the most powerful thing out there.”

“Maybe in this dimension, but there are other, stronger Gods out there. I might be one of the more powerful ones, but by no means am I the strongest.”

“This dimension? How many of you are there?”

“There’s just one me, but there are six hundred and sixty five other gods with other dimensions to rule over.”

“Isn’t that really ironic?”

“No, actually. I don’t know why my Hebrew children decided that six hundred and sixty six was an evil number. Well, I do know, but it’s not the true evil number.”

“Which one is the true one?”

“Two. Have you ever met a two year old? Pure evil most of the time.” God laughed softly.

I just stared. “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure I was just in hell for a few centuries, so forgive me if I don’t laugh.”

“All is already forgiven. You were actually in Hell for about one thousand, one hundred, and forty-seven years, if that makes any difference to you.”

“You know, it doesn’t really. Why was I there?”

God looked at me like I was a fool. “You died.”

“You know, I kind of figured, but why?”

God continued looking at me like I was a fool. “You know what the last thing you consumed was, right?”

“Sorry, most of my memories are of being tortured. Being in Hell does that to you, I hear.”

“True, true. I forget how infinitesimal your lifespan is from time to time. You guys used to live longer, but with all that war and technology, you just started dying sooner and sooner. If Eve had just listened to me, you’d still be living for millennia!”

“So you punished the entire human race because one person couldn’t get their shit together?”

“Look, Kaid, I just made the damn planet, sprinkled some life and sustenance on it, and gave a few simple rules. Everything that happened after that was all you guys.”

Well that was something to chew on. “...So humans fucked ourselves, and you don’t really do much besides keep the ball rolling?”

“Yes, humans ‘fucked’ themselves," God threw up some air quotes, "but no. I do not keep the ball rolling. I observe what goes on, make a new planet in a different part of the universe, and see if I can learn from my mistakes.”

“So how old is the Earth?”

“That was a stupid name for my creation. It literally means 'dirt' or 'mud'!" God rolled his eyes. "The Earth, when you lived on it, was around a trillion or so years old, but your scientists haven’t quite cracked the code to accurately dating it. I may know why my followers came up with that whole ‘six thousand years’ nonsense, but I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, since I’m all knowing, but I just don’t get it. I’m sure you comprehend.”

“Not really.” I twitched my fingers, trying to learn how to use them again.

“Are there any more questions you want to ask? You know you’re one of the few humans I’ve actually talked to in a while. I don’t mind answering questions.”

“You already know what they are, though.”

“Talking is a pleasantry that I made for a reason. It’s not the most efficient way of communication by far, but I’m fond of it.”

“Is that so?”

God nodded.

“So how did I end up in Equestria? Why was I sent there?”

“Ahh, I can’t tell you that one quite yet. I can tell you that you were transported to a different world, however, rather than a different dimension. Equus is actually one of my favorites. It’s so colorful and diverse!”

“Riiight. So why did I go to Hell instead of Purgatory? I’m sure I’ve done some good things in my life.”

“Max, everyone goes to Hell, it’s just that some go there longer than other. Adolf Hitler was there for a few million years and Yesu Christos went there for a few minutes. I miss Yesu, I really need to talk to him again sometime.”

“You mean your supposed son, Jesus fucking Christ went to hell?”

“Everyone is my child, but he was not what he built up to be. Don’t get me wrong, Yesu was a very great and kind man, but he trod on an elderly woman’s toes, and ate food he didn’t pay for that wasn’t given to him. Minor things. No one I have ever made has been perfect, but Medammit, was he close.”

I leaned back in my chair. “Wow. My mind is blown.”

“Welcome to Heaven, it’s usually the order of the day.” God chuckled.

“So what happened to Max? Can I see him again?”

“You can when you die permanantly. We’ll talk more then, before I let you into the actual main plaza. For now, I’m just going to tweak you a bit and send you back to Ponyville. Any modifications you would like in particular?”

I was stunned. “Wait, you mean I’m not staying?”

“I just implied that you didn’t permanently die. That nag, Celestia, is trying to bring you back to life, but I’m going to let her try for a while longer so we can keep talking.” He saw my panicked expression. “Don’t worry, all of twenty minutes has passed since you’ve been here, and That also accounts for your time in Hell. As it is, you’ve still got more time to serve there and you’ll keep accumulating more until you die permanently.”

“That’s nice.” I meekly replied.

“Here,” He stretched out a hand and I could feel my memories shuffling, “Your memories of Hell will be in your subconscious and your normal ones will be as they were before, though Hell leaves its mark rather deeply. You’ll remember it, but it will be that of a detached, distant feeling. Otherwise, you would go insane... " He pursed his lips." I’ll let you get this conversation written down before I start wiping it from your mind, so don’t worry about that. You may still remember bits and pieces, but not the entirety. You'll probably think you had some crazy drug binge while you wrote this, so there's always that.”

“So I’ll remember Hell and this conversation, but none of the pain.” He nodded. “Thanks God. So can I pray to you or anything? I mean, I don’t really know what to say. It’s not everyday you see The Creator.”

“I like praise as much as the next God, but I have plenty of it from other planets. Just live your life normally and we’ll be just fine. Seriously, whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else makes me happy.”

“That’s a really cool way of looking at things.”

“No, spanking a woman, or a man, during sex does not count as a sin. Neither does having multiple consensual partners.”

“Fuckin’ radical!”

“Swearing is a sin.” God deadpanned.

“My bad, mate.”

“I’m just joking with you, I really don’t care. So before I send you back, modifications?”

“Can you make me as tough as a pony? I’m tired of getting my shit wrecked by them, getting overpowered, and generally being super weak.”

He snapped. “Done. Anything else?”

“Magic maybe?” As overpowered as it is, it'd be useful

“Eh, I don’t know about that one. I’m not terribly fond of magic, which is why it’s so easy to corrupt. You can’t have something that unfair without some heavy caveats.” You're leaving something unsaid.

“How about some fun superpowers? Like freezing stuff or turning invisible?”

“I’ll give you some relatively weak telekinesis and two other things. I’m not letting you go back overpowered to high here.”

“Aww man. What about the ability to read auras? Like, to know how people are feeling or whether or not they’re lying? That one doesn’t sound too bad.”

“It doesn’t really, but you already have a piece of that since you can read body language pretty well. How about I just boost that and call it one off?”

“How boost are we talking?”

“‘How much boosting’ are we talking, actually. Just because I know what you’re trying to say doesn’t mean you can get lazy.”

“Fair enough. How much boosting are we talking?”

“I could let you be able to know up to ninety-two percent of the time what someone is feeling, and your deductive abilities will grow as a result. Of course, it would make no sense for the knowledge to just pop into your head. It’s not going to be terribly useful in Equestria, but it may come in handy if you ever leave the country. Actually, why don’t I just increase your seventh sense? It’s effectively an overall buff to your perception.”

“That’s a little shit, to be honest with you. I can’t see auras or whatever, and I’m already pretty perceptive.” I shook my head. “So what about the last one? Do you have any suggestions?”

“Hmm… I would go with something along the lines of quicker healing. It’s always a safe bet. And it would extend your lifespan quite a bit.” God wiggled his eyebrows.

“Again, how much? If a normal cut heals completely in a fortnight, how long would it take with accelerated regeneration? I haven’t exactly had the best of times with it.”

“Well, if a normal one takes two weeks, then I could limit that to a day. That does mean your lifespan will increase by a factor of fourteen, however.”

I did some mental math. “Wait, so I would live to be over a thousand years old!?”

“Yup, pretty much. Plus, with the near Eden-like air quality that Equus has maintained, unlike some planets, you’ll probably get another four to five hundred years on top of that, despite being contaminated. So with the current total, you’re looking at around fifteen hundred, and that’s not even counting the serum you were given that got you transported in the first place!”

“Wait, what serum?” I didn’t remember anything of the sort.

“I know you remember the needle ‘Rat Bastard,” He threw up some more air quotes, “stuck into your bottom. It was a prototype of sorts. That serum he injected you with increased your life expectancy by far too much for me to allow you to stay on Earth, so I consulted with a friend and put you somewhere else.”

“How long did the serum give me?”

“Just another three hundred or so odd years, but I’m sure once you start getting up there, it will matter less to you.

“You know, I’m not sure I really want to live that long. I was kind of hoping to, you know, live the average amount of time.”

“Well, I was going to send you away with one curse, but I suppose if you don’t want to live a long life, that’s plenty curse enough!” God smiled brilliantly.

“Mate. Mate!”

God snapped his fingers once more. “And it’s done! Plus one extra thing, but don't worry about that.”

“Please don’t do this. Seriously, please.” I shook hard.

“I never said I was a purely benevolent fellow, now did I? In fact, I send people to Hell more often than not, so you really can’t be surprised.”

“I thought you were supposed to be loving or something!”

“You thought wrong. I made man in my image, so it’s hardly news that I can be a bastard at times.”

“Bastard is right! I mean, thanks for the powers and all, but why the Hell are you making me live so long!?”

“If you must know, I just like you. That’s all there is to it.” God shrugged. “There’s nothing else to say. I put my favored creations through trials, and if they make it through, they don’t go to Hell for very long. I hope you make it through, I really do.”

“Don’t you already know what’s going to happen?” I asked. My chest pounded and I grabbed my heart.

“That’s just the thing, Kaid. I don’t know what’s going to happen on Equus. I had a friend make it for me.” My chest thudded again and knocked the wind from my lungs.

I gasped and dried to draw breath, but to no avail. “It would seem our time is up, my dear child. I’ll see you again, and we’ll have such a conversation! I do hope you’l tell me-”

I never heard the rest of what he said.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My eyes shot open and I headbutted a horned person as I shot straight up, gasping for air and shaking like a leaf in a tornado.

“HOLY FUCKING SHITE”

“Max!” Fluttershy cried, crashing into me.

I looked around wild eyed, seeing that I was back in Fluttershy’s cabin in Ponyville. I shoved her off of me and kissed the ground, picking her back up and kissing her.

“You will not believe what just happened. I-” My heart throbbed painfully, making me stop short. I was certain that it was a warning and not just a coincidence. My memories of hell came back with a vengeance and faded just as quickly, making sure I got the point. I was to tell no one of my trip before I got it written down.

“Are you okay, dear? I was so sure that you weren’t coming back.” Celestia’s crackling voice caught my attention.

I broke free of Fluttershy and went for Celestia instead, wrapping my arms around her.

“Hun, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Max, do you even know what happened to you!?” She cupped my face and looked me in the eye.

“Dead. I know I was so dead, that it took you twenty minutes to revive me.” No throb. I guess it was fine.

“...How do you know that?” Celestia inquired carefully.

“I wish I could tell you, but that’s not happening, but I will tell you words of things and such when I get back. Actually, and you teleport me home real quick? There’s something I really need to do!”

“Max, you’re acting very strange.” Twilight said from behind me.

“Oh, well look at you! I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize you were here. I’ll explain what I can soon, I promise.” I turned back to Celestia. “My house, can we go? Now?”

Celestia gave me a concerned look and teleported the four of us to my house, and though the storm was still raging, I gave no fucks and sprinted into my room and grabbed my journal. For the next two hours, I completely ignored my friend and lovers, writing down as much of the information I had gathered as I possibly could. It was a grueling process, but the memories were crystal clear and I was making rapid headway. Once I had cleared the last of my conversation with Him, I finally stopped, but my hand went back to the paper and wrote a little aside of its own, stating that I was by no means to say anything of my time in either domain, and if I was asked about it, to lie through my teeth on pain of another millennium downstairs. That was a horrifying thought, so I made a personal note to never get into the specific details. I noticed that the words seemed to flicker on the page before disappearing, so I squinted at them and they reappeared, but if I wasn't glaring at them, they were just gone. I figured Capital G put something on it so that no one would be able to read it besides me, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

I put my journals back in their proper place and returned to my living room.

“Are you done now?” Celestia asked tentatively.

“I am. Questions?”

“How did you know that you were dead?” Celestia demanded.

“I was floating outside of my body. It’s hard to explain, but it was like my soul was severed from my physical form!”

“That’s rather hard to believe, but I don’t know that you have a reason to lie. It’s simply incredible.” Celestia shook her head. “I thought you were gone, but I couldn’t stop trying! I swear to everything that you hold dear, that I will kill you if you ever die on me again, Max!” Her eyes brimmed with tears.

I walked over and held her. “Don’t worry, hun, I won’t die on you any time soon.” I held her at length once she collected herself.” So I met something interesting while I was dead.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked, joining us.

“Let’s have a seat, I’ve got some explaining to do.” Twilight stole my easy chair and I led Celestia to the couch, sitting between her and Fluttershy.

Crafting a story came easily. “So when I was having my out of body experience, I met a being called a Leshy that offered to grant me a wish or two since I took care of that little Kobold problem. Apparently, they were screwing with the natural order, so when I exterminated them, I did it a favor. I say it granted me a few wishes, but it kind of just dumped a couple of favors and one hell of a curse on my lap since apparently they do that.”

“What exactly is a Leshy?” Twilight asked.

“A guardian of the forest. It said that it was more powerful than most since it was in charge of the Everfree, or at least, that’s the gist of it.”

“I am not aware of any such creature.” Celestia said warily.

“Have you ever died?” I asked.

“Okay, you have me there. Please continue.”

“So the Leshy made me less squishy.” I looked at my nails and shined them on my shirt.

“Is that a tongue twister of some sort? Because it tells us nothing.” Celestia rubbed her eyes.

I glanced over at Celestia. “ You’re taking this whole nearly dying thing rather hard.” I rested my hand on hers. “Don’t get scared until I do, hun, it’s easier that way.”

“It may be easier for you, but it’s not something to get over so easily, Max. How are you so nonchalant about this?”

Twilight nodded her agreement. “The Princess is right, Max. I don’t see how you’re so calm!”

“I’m just taking it well because I’m alive. It just wasn’t quite my time, so I suppose it’s business as usual, considering this is the second time I’ve come back from the brink.”

Celestia glared at the the floor. “No, you’ve brushed against death before, but now you have actually died!” She turned her glare to me. “The way you’re reacting to this event, one might think it’s a common event.”

“Would you rather have me freaking out? Because I can do freaking out, but it involves copious quantities of alcohol, crying and swearing. I’m pretty fond of not doing that, but I can do if you please.”

Twilight looked at me like I was crazy and Celestia covered her face with her hands. Fluttershy touched my arm, garnering my attention.

“You should let it out, Max. You have us here to help you as much as you might need.”

I just went through a thousand years of torture and came out whole after being shredded like a bog roll, and Fluttershy thought some hugs and nice words would fix that. The memories were dulled, but they still scared the shit out of me considering that I might have to go through it again, but this time, with about nineteen hundred years worth of sins instead of just twenty odd years. The thought made my stomach churn.

“See? Just let it all out, Max.” Fluttershy crooned softly.

I threw up on her.

She looked at her ruined clothes in shock and Twilight gasped. Celestia’s magic flashed and Fluttershy was clean, but my mouth still tasted something awful. The aftertaste of the Hizketan Baia was back with a vengeance, so I skipped to my loo and threw up a few more times there. After brushing my teeth and gargling with some very intense mouthwash, I rejoined the women in the living room, but now it was just Celestia.

“Where’d Twilight and Fluttershy go?”

“I sent them off. I told them I’d watch over you for the rest of the day. Both Fluttershy and Twilight offered to come back at sunset, so in the meantime, what actually happened when you died? And why did the Hizketan kill you? I’ve seen ponies eat them by the hoofful and only get sick. Granted it was for days on end, but just sick nonetheless.”

“The berries just weren’t something I could consume, to answer that question. I can’t really go into detail about what happened, but know that I met something more powerful than you can imagine, and that it gave us a lot more time together.”

“What was the being?” Celestia inquired, her eyes gleaming.

“I can’t answer than, hun. I really can’t.”

“Well, why not?”

“When a thing as eldritch as the one I met is tells you to keep your mouth shut, you keep it shut. Apparently I can tell you some things, but not all upon pain of death, so please let it be.” I pleaded.

She still looked quite worried. “Alright. If that’s your wish, then I suppose I can deal with it. What did you mean when you said the Eldritch gave us more time together?”

“It means that, unless we tire of each other, we will be spending a lot of time together.”

“That’s very cryptic, Max. Can you tell me what that means?”

I sighed and rubbed my face, the nausea returned. “Look, this isn’t easy for me, Celestia… I’m going to live for far longer than I thought I would.”

“...How much longer?” Celestia’s eyebrows raised slightly, her mouth twitched at the corners, and she leaned forward. She was most certainly not as upset about this news as I was. The perception thing is already working.

“I’m going to live for nineteen hundred or so more years.”

“Max, I’m so sorry…”

“No you’re not. Your breathing is elevated, your eyes are wider than usual, and the corners of your mouth are twitching. You’ve got the tone down pat, and the facial expressions for the most part, but you haven’t had enough practice with your body language since you don’t often have guests that are as astute as I am. You’re thrilled Celestia, and I understand why, but I just can’t match it.”

“That was a very interesting deduction. Is that what you meant when you said you were becoming less squishy? That you were becoming sharper?”

“No, I mean I should be as sturdy as a pony now, but I don’t know how to check that without getting hurt.”

Celestia extended her hand. “If I may?”

I took it and her horn glowed. There was an odd itchy sensation in my bones that spread from the top of my fuzzy pate down to my toes. It wasn’t wholly unpleasant, though it was uncomfortable when it spread through my rib and left arm. After remembering that I had broken the shit out of them, I blamed that and wondered how long this was supposed to take.

Celestia took my hand in both of hers. “Well, I wouldn’t say you’re as tough as an earth pony, but you’re definitely not as frail as you once were. In fact, you could probably punch the pegasus who ordered this storm and win.” She grinned at me.

“Speaking of, have you seen the outside? Seriously, if you can get these clouds to part, just look.”

She gave me a puzzled look. “I suppose I could give it a glance, but I don’t see why. It should blow over soon enough, if Ponyville’s weather team is as good as their records show.”

“The thing is, Rainbow Dash is the one who threw this storm on me around sunset last night.” I explained the rest of the situation with Pinkie and dipped into the quarrel with Rarity.

“What did I tell you about infuriating mares, Max?” She rubbed her temples.

“Oi! I’m in the right here!” I protested.

“You tend to be, but that’s not how mares think. Sometimes it’s better to just apologize, even if it’s not your fault.”

“Not fucking happening. I’m not a doormat, and I refuse to be treated as one. Now that I know I could take her without dying, I think it’s time Rainbow and I had a little chat about the values of home ownership.”

Celestia put a hand on my leg. “Well, the house may be in your name, but it’s on my land, dear. This is Royal property she is ruining, so it’s my jurisdiction.”

“So what are you going to do to her? Charge her with vandalism?”

“I can’t charge Rainbow for the same reason I couldn't charge Applejack, Max. You should understand that.”

“So what? Am I just supposed to sit here with my thumbs up my arse, wishing that Rainbow would change her mind and help me pay for the damages? Seriously, I’m not completely familiar with the value of a bit, but I know that what’s happened so far is going to cost a pretty penny to fix or replace!”

“You had no problem replacing my loveseat.”

“Cuntie sat on it. She didn’t amalgamate a storm together and start shearing bits of my house away!”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Let’s take a step out side.”

I stood up and lead the way with Celestia’s magic keeping us dry. We quickly circled the property and counted thirteen lightning related burn marks that were awfully close to the entrances and exits of my house, a fuckton of missing shingles, two torn off shutters, and most of my porch furniture was gone with the wind, save for the old loveseat and the porch swing which turned out to be bolted down rather well. I pointed out damages to the siding and two cracked windows and Celestia was definitely not happy.

When we were back inside, she chose to stand rather than sit. I joined her.

“It’s one thing to attack me, but it’s another thing to attack my home.” I said quietly.

“I was quite fond of this house when I saw it for the first time. It was quaint and out of the way, had a nice rustic aura to it.” Celestia looked around. “I see you’ve added wall sconces and a painting.”

I knew she was just trying to get my mind off of Rainbow trashing my home, but having it laid out bare for me was more incensing that just looking at it from afar. When I didn’t respond, Celestia brought me in for a hug.

“Don’t let it get to you, dear. I’ll take care of it.”

“I don’t need you to, hun. I’ll handle this.”

“No, your idea of handling this is going to end in a fight. My idea of handling this is going to end with nopony getting hurt.”

“Your way is going to make it seem like I run to you whenever I have a problem. I was going to write you a letter asking for your assistance earlier, but if I can’t handle a matter with my friend, how could I do so with anyone else?”

She held me at arm's length. “I’m supervising.”

I rolled my eyes. “If it makes you feel better, then sure. Let’s go get this over with before my house blows down.”

We walked into town and stopped by Twilight’s, hoping that she would know where Rainbow Dash was. Of course, once word got out that Princess Celestia herself was looking for someone, that someone was found posthaste and informed of the situation. A rainbow colored streak crossed the sky about twenty minutes after we visited Twilight and landed in front of the Treebrary. Celestia and Twilight sat at the kitchen table with me standing just off to the side out of view. Rainbow ran in without knocking and stopped when she saw The Princess and the scholar.

“Princess! I came as fast as I could! What do you need me for?” Rainbow beamed.

Twilight looked down and Celestia gave her a tight smile. It was then that I made my presence known.

“Hi Rainbow. Let’s have a chat, yeah?”

Her face contorted in anger. “I don’t have anything to talk to you about.”

“You know, that would be true if there wasn’t a storm over my house causing extensive damage. I saw you drop it off, and I can deal with some rain. Hell, if it was just rain, we wouldn’t be talking, but you had to go that extra step. You’re causing property damage, Rainbow, and a lot of it. You happen to lead the local Weather Team, so it’s your problem professionally and personally, whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t see how it’s my problem. It’s not like you have proof that I did anything!” She retorted hotly.

I shrugged. “I don’t need proof of you personally doing anything, I just need proof of your extreme negligence as a Weather Mare, and since my house is still being torn apart by your little temper tantrum, it’s well within my rights to charge you for damages.”

“Go ahead! I’m not gonna give you as single bit!”

“See, you happen to think I’m either going to back down or let it slide because we’re friends. You may have another reason for thinking that, but it’s really not important because I want to beat your face into a pulp. Give me a good reason not to, and we’ll see where it goes from there.”

“Max! I did not bring you here to threaten Rainbow Dash! You said you would resolve this peacefully.” Celestia simmered.

I shrugged. “You heard the woman. She just said she isn’t going to pay me for wrecking my house.”

“You say that as if money is an issue! Max, you could build another house and still be fine for years!”

“The thing about that is when you give something to someone who’s never had anything, they tend to cling to it with every ounce of their strength. I’m not going to stand by and let some pumped up, arrogant shit head ruin my things just because they’re upset.” I turned back to Rainbow who was now fuming.

“You. Me. Outside.” She indicated the great outdoors.

I was about to lead the way when Celestia and Twilight’s magic enveloped us.

The tall white mare marched over and spared me a glare before standing in front of Rainbow. “No. Rainbow Dash, you will abate the storm over Max’s house, and if I hear of you or any of the ponies under your command doing something else to exact whatever misplaced notion of vengeance you have, I will be back and I will arrest you for assault on a Royal Operative, Destruction of Royal Property, and Gross Criminal Negligence, which are all of the things I should be charging you with now. Do you understand?”

Rainbow gulped and nodded rapidly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” Celestia was in full Princess mode now, and it was hotter than hell. I may or may not have a thing for authority when it’s not being used against me.

"I-I understand." Rainbow answered weakly.

Celestia whipped around and poked me in the chest. “And you. Max, if you come after Rainbow for this, I will arrest you too. No being sent to a nice place to serve your time, no mares to charm, and no contact with anypony. Do you understand?”

“Good lord, you are so hot when you’re pissed.” Her eyes narrowed. “I hear you, hun. Who’s going to fix my house, though?”

“Do. You. Understand.” She clearly wasn’t in the mood for my shit.

“I understand, Celestia. I won’t kill Rainbow for attacking your gift.”

“Wait, my what?” She asked. Do you have dementia or something?

“You gave me the house, hun, remember? That’s like, half the reason I’m so mad about it.”

Rainbow paled. “What?”

She garnered the attention of everyone in the room. I spoke first. “Yeah, you just tore pieces off of Celestia’s first gift to her lover, me.”

“That changes nothing, seeing as how I forgot about it in the first place.” Celestia rubbed her temples. “Why does being around you always give me a headache?”

“Endorphin overdose? Maybe you love me so much it hurts.” I grinned as Twilight and Celestia released their magic.

“Princess, if it makes you feel any better, he has the same on most of the girls.” Twilight offered.

Rainbow stood awkwardly by the door, trying to avoid being looked at after being reamed thoroughly and threatened with imprisonment. I knew that the only one of us in any real danger was myself, so I couldn’t feel bad for her. It was her own fault anyways. After a few minutes of conversation between Celestia and her student, she coughed and raised her hand.

“E-Excuse me Princess, but can I go now?”

“Yes, you can go dissipate that horrid storm.” Celestia responded sharply.

Rainbow visibly winced and got out as quickly as she could. “You know, fighting her would have been fun since I wouldn’t die from it.” I said quietly.

Celestia glanced at me. “Shut up, Max.”

“If you use your lips, it’ll happen faster.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and Twilight blushed. “Tell me, Twilight, does he ask a kiss from every mare, or is it just me?”

“Uh…” She gracefully replied.

“I do not! In fact, Twilight gave me one of her own free will not to long ago.” I beamed at the purple mare.

Celestia raised her brow. “Are you sure you didn’t coerce her? It would be rather surprising to hear that my student is making a move on my stallion.” She gave me a little ‘OK’ hand gesture outside of Twilight’s field of vision and I returned it with a thumbs up.

“P-P-Princess, I-I wasn’t trying to steal him-”

“I don’t know, that was an awfully tender kiss. Even I felt a little dirty after it.” I fanned myself.

Twilight's eyes darted between Celestia and I. “That’s not what happened! It was just a peck, I swear!”

“Are you sure? I think it may have been more than that.” Celestia tilted her head upward and looked down on Twilight.

“If it had been any hotter, she would have slipped me some tongue.” I nodded sagely.

Twilight looked between us and blushed brightly. “I would not!”

“Not without Celestia’s permission. Do you think it’s okay for Twilight to kiss me so?” I inquired.

“Hmm… I suppose I could let it slide this one time. Perhaps if you were to show me what happened, I would be more lenient.” The corner of her mouth tilted slightly.

“I-I couldn’t!” Twilight protested.

I stepped over to her quickly, and before she could distance herself, I pressed my lips to Twilight’s. She gave up trying to push me away after a few moments and melted in my arms which would have gone poorly had I not been bolstered. I could actually hold her up with a bit of effort and I would bet that carrying her was now an actual possibility. The one time I had, I had the strength of a drunk, horny man to back it up.

I let Twilight fall when she began to respond to the bit of tongue because I’m evil like that. She lay on the ground for a bit and gasped for air, trying to get her bearings.

“You realize that was quite unnecessary, right?” Celestia commented indifferently.

“It may have been, but you gave me permission, so I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.” I offered Twilight a hand and she came out of her daze.

“...That- that wasn’t what happened.” She protested breathlessly.

“I believe you, Twilight.” Celestia patted her shoulder lightly. “I apologize for Max’s behavior since I highly doubt that he’s going to.”

“I’m sure all parties involved had a good time. Am I right, Twilight?”

“Yes! I mean, well, uh…” She glanced to Celestia who was wearing a small smile. “Maybe?”

Celestia shook her head and looked to me. “You may be the most infuriating stallion in Equestria, but you’re amusing at times, I’ll give you that.”

“Considering that you were just threatening to arrest me, I’d say you’re more amusing than I am.”

“I’ve learned that staying mad at you is like trying to stay mad at an oversized puppy; it’s not terribly possible. If you soil my rugs, however, I will beat you senseless with a newspaper.”

“How brutish! I’m ashamed of you, Celestia, resorting to violence first!”

“You have no room to talk. What say we have a seat and a cup of tea? I’m tired of dealing with your nonsense for right now.”

Twilight perked up. “I have some black tea, if you like it, Princess. I’m sorry I don’t keep a stock of your favorite.”

“It will be fine, Twilight. Thank you for being our host for the afternoon. I do apologize for being so cross with your friend.”

We sat in Twilight’s kitchen and had some tea. Black is actually one of my favorite kinds, but she made it awfully weak, so it more like hot flavoured water. I still drank it for politeness sake, though my fondness for tea took a hit. I would have to show her how to make a proper cup without those pathetic bags some time. It may mean a bit more clean up depending on how you do it, but it really would show in the richness of the flavor.

Tea related tangents aside, we spent a few more hours at Twilight’s Treebrary before Celestia had to take her leave. Since it wasn’t my house, I couldn’t tell her to go through the door before teleporting, so I was a little miffed, but dealt with it. Spike was still avoiding the hell out of me in his room, so Twilight bid her goodbyes to him upstairs and followed me to my poor house. Rainbow had done as Celestia asked, so we didn’t have to run in thankfully, though I was sure Rainbow still wasn’t happy that she didn’t get to give me a piece of her mind. The girl was more of a powder keg than her friends realized, taking little to set her off and making her easy to manipulate through her anger. Challenge her to do something stupid and she probably would, especially if you call her a coward. Rainbow really wasn’t the sharpest crayon in the kitchen.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I truly began to miss television and other amenities that allow one to ignore an awkward silence, but sadly such luxuries are nonexistent in Ponyland so my attempts to start a conversation with Twilight fizzled with her paltry, short sighted answers. I was honestly surprised that she wasn’t being receptive at all since most of the ponies will talk your ear off if given the chance. They’ll deafen you slowly, but if they’re ever silent or coy, something is most certainly up, just like with talkative humans. In fact, that’s a large reason as to why I don’t really trust Fluttershy much; She’s far too quiet to not be holding secrets or baggage that could explain why she is how she is. I’ve never been one to trust very easily, although things change and now that I’ve found myself in a relationship with her, built on a foolish foundation, I have little choice in the matter. I suppose that I could just not trust her and carry on, but that would defeat the purpose of giving her a chance, so now I’m effectively stuck, leaving me with a feeling more foreboding than the one I currently had about Twilight.

I had plenty of time to sort through my thoughts and looked over to the cute purple mare. She was sitting awkwardly with her legs crossed and her hands stacked upon her knees, her blouse slash skirt combo giving me the impression that a naughty schoolgirl had sat herself down in my living room and was now awaiting the headmaster. In a way it was slightly alluring, but I had to keep in mind just whose student she was, and that I had only been given permission for that one kiss. I was confident that I could coax a few more from her if I felt like it, and I must say that I was rather tempted. Twilight had the softest lips of anyone I had kissed by far.

As I studied Twilight, I realized just what the boost to my perception had actually done. I could see individual follicles of hair and the skin beneath with an awesome clarity, and the irises of her eyes gleamed in the light of my home. I saw a faint dampness on her fingers, likely from a cold sweat or from nervousness, and the hunch of her shoulders in combination with the relative straightness of her back and her crossed legs told me that she was uncomfortable, but I didn’t know exactly why. Just looking at her for more than a few seconds gave me a good picture of how she was feeling at the moment, so I tapered my approach to suit that.

I strode over at a calm gait, trying to come off as non-threatening as possible as I knelt beside her. “Twilight, are you okay, love? Something on your mind?”

Twilight jumped hard, having ignored my presence until now. “Oh! What was that? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“It’s fine. I was just asking about what’s on your mind.”

“Oh, that… It’s nothing terribly important, don’t worry about it.” Her eyes flickered away from me and her nose darkened for a moment. I had read somewhere about the Pinocchio effect, and it seemed that according to it, Twilight was lying to me. Not that I needed enhanced perception to know that.

“Look, Twilight,” I began softly, “I won’t badger you for information you don’t want to share, but I’ll gladly help you any way I can.”

“...It’s not really something you can help with.”

“Then maybe I can just lend an ear? They’re pretty much made for listening.”

“What other purpose would they have?” The ghost of a smile crossed her face.

I reached up and fondled one of hers. “Well in your case, they’re cute and fun to play with. In my case, they’re just ugly decorations that funnel vibrations in the air to a little membrane further in.”

Twilight shied away from me and I let my hand fall to the arm of the lounge chair. She was being oddly distant, and her body language told me little other than she was hiding something and that she was quite anxious about something. I didn’t like being left in the dark when it came to a friend, but if I wanted respect for my own privacy, I would have to give some first. I sighed and walked back to my room, grabbing my journals and filling in what had happened so far. There wasn’t much to do, so I was finished in a matter of minutes, left with to my own devices while Twilight did… Well, nothing. She just sat and stared at the floor while chewing on her bottom lip. I had to get her out of the house, more for my own sanity than hers. I found it to be quite frustrating to sit and do pretty much nothing. I was about to prepare for a quick walk when I realized that I still had the smut I had been writing!

I rushed off to go grab the relatively small book and flipped to find the page I had left off on. I could finish it now, or I could allow Twilight to read it and we could actually talk about something! Needless to say, I went with the latter.

Coming back to the living room, I held the book up. “Oi! Twi!”

She jumped again. “What!?”

“Chill, just wanted to know if you’d be interested in reading some literature I wrote. I decided to continue on with my writing, and since you’re the foremost authority on books in town, I’d like you to read through it for me.” I gave her a winsome smile.

She blinked. “Oh. No thank you.”

“Oh? Twilight Sparkle denying an opportunity to read? Preposterous!”

Twilight shifted in her seat. “Well, I’m sure it’s something similar to the prank you pulled.”

“It is, but it’s not complete nonsense like that one was; This one has a plot!”

“...So did the Daffodil Bean story.”

“Yes, but this one has a coherent plot that doesn’t revolve around sex! It’s still a bit harlequin romance-esque, though I stand by what I said. The first twenty or so pages? No sex. None whatsoever.”

Twilight twisted her hair and avoided looking at me.. “I’m sorry, I’m just not really feeling up to it.”

Alright, something was seriously wrong. I pulled my easy chair over to Twilight and stared at her for a few minutes, making her squirm under my intense gaze. I happen to be quite the staring contest champion, and now that I could analyze every inch of her with a clarity that I had lacked before, it felt as if I was drilling holes into wherever I looked. It didn’t help that I stayed completely silent during the event, controlling my breathing so that I became little more than a watchful living statue.

Twilight broke after my third blink, about four minutes later. “M-Max?”

I blinked rapidly to rehydrate my eyes. “Yes, love?”

“Why were you staring at me?”

“Because you’ve been acting weird ever since we got here. You barely respond to any sort of conversation, you’re being more bashful than usual, and you won’t read. We’ve been sitting in an awkward silence for the better part of an hour.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. Seriously, what’s going on, Twilight? You were fine when Celestia was over.”

“It’s nothing, I’m just feeling a bit, er, off. It’s nothing to worry about.” Twilight averted her eyes.

“Gee, Twi, when you say it like that, all of my worries are gone. I’m starting to think that I’m actually going to have to grill you for information.”

“Please don’t.” She gnawed on her lower lip and sent some serious sad eyes my way.

I shook my head. “When you look at me like that, it’s harder to be mean. Fine, I’ll leave it be, but you’re worrying me, Twilight.”

“Don’t be worried! Honestly, I think it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with on my own.” Twilight simpered.

Sighing, I shook my head. “I’m sure you’ll deal with it efficiently. You’re a smart young woman with a head full of ideas. There’s little I know of that can keep you down for long, especially since you're so damn inventive. I trust your judgement, but I can't help but worry about you sometimes, you know? You're the first friend I made in Equestria, so you're pretty important to me.”

Twilight looked like she was about to cry. Thankfully she didn’t, at least, not before she enveloped me in a very pleasant hug. It was the most emotion I had seen from her since she entered my house, and it made me happy that I could elicit such a response from her after her previous reticent behavior. She let me go and stared into my eyes.

“Max, there’s something I have to tell you.” Her eyes shone and the pieces fell into their places.

“Aww, shiiite.” I muttered.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“I know what you have to say, and I assure you that it will not end well, Twilight.”

“H-How do you know!? I thought I hid it so well!”

“I’m observant and you were making it obvious, I just wasn’t picking up on it. I should’ve known!” I slapped my hands on my face and dragged them down. “I’m telling you now: I’ll give you a shot, but I’m a fucking prick like no other.”

“...You don’t seem very happy about it.”

“I’m honored, really. I just don’t want to disappoint you or hurt you like I know I will.”

“But you’re mellowing out pretty well so far! I mean, the incident with Cuntie and Rarity was pretty bad, but it would have been worse if you weren’t getting better!”

“The thing is, I was more irate with Rarity than I have been since arriving in this world, so I don’t really feel like I’m making that much progress, you know? The chav I hold deep down inside came out and spouted off some frankly terrible things.”

“Well, it was a very stressful situation…”

“If I can’t keep my cool, then how safe am I to be around? Hell, I almost had a fistfight with Rainbow!”

Twilight winced. “In fairness, she did do a number on your house.”

“And she’s also saved my life before. I’m a volatile bastard, Twilight, and I’m going to hurt you, one way or another. I just know it.”

“And I know that you make me smile when I’m not mad at you. I know that you make my heart leap whenever I see you, and I know that you’re better than you pretend to be by a longshot. You’re a good stallion, Max. You’re loyal, kind at times, funny, and stubborn like no other. There’s so much to love about you, Max, it’s just that you don’t even bother to try and see! That’s a part of the reason Rarity got so mad at you. It’s because we know you’re good, there are just boundaries that are more important to you then there are to us, and…” Twilight trailed off.

“And? Don’t stop there, my ego is almost ready to burst!”

“It’s not really a compliment, Max.”

“Then say it anyways. I’ve a thick skin, love.”

“Well, everypony is kinda getting tired of walking on eggshells around you. Applejack understands you the best, but even she worries about saying the wrong thing constantly.” Twilight interlaced her finger and looked away, shrinking back into her chair.

“There’s little that you can say that will set me off, Twilight, it’s inconsiderate actions that get to me. Thoughtless bullshit that anyone from my world would be upset with, not just me. No one likes being told what to do, rushed, or having their privacy invaded. I know you ponies get upset when that happens too, I just show it in a different way.”

“So your arguments with Fluttershy? What were they about?”

“She was trying to tell me what to do and she tried rushing me into seeing Applejack when I first came into town.”

“And Cuntie invaded your privacy.”

“Twice.”

“Right… When you put it like that, it’s easier to understand.”

“I’ve put it like that everytime I start shouting. It’s just very hard to get past the volume into the important things.”

“True. Maybe if you shouted less, ponies wouldn’t be so afraid of you?”

“Since when were any of the Ponies scared of me?”

“Well, both of the Cakes are scared of you ever since you broke in and ransacked Cuntie’s room.”

“I’d like to point out that we broke in, not just me.”

“...Also true.”

The awkward silence returned with a vengeance, but I was having none of it. I grabbed Twilight’s hand, pretty much dragging her over to my loveseat, and sat down with her in my lap. If we were going to be a couple, we may as well act like it, and I found that having a lovely woman in your lap was quite nice on its own. Twilight may have not been gifted the same endowments as Fluttershy or Applejack, but she was squishy in all the right ways, and her generally smaller frame was well suited to being my little spoon.

She sat upright rather stiffly, using my lap as if it were a stool, which was very awkward. Rolling my eyes, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her.

“Max! What if somepony comes in!?”

“Then I’ll swear at them until they leave. It’s rather rude to let oneself in uninvited.”

“...Didn’t we do that already? When we came over-”

“Yes, you did. No, don’t bring that up. You’re in your boyfriend’s warm embrace, sit back and relax, love.”

I let go and she eased up a bit. “You’re doing better. Now try and find something that’s comfortable for you.”

Twilight shifted around a bit for a few minutes and tried to get comfortable, but it was getting to be quite clear that this type of cuddling wasn’t her bag. Sighing, I picked her up, carried her off to the couch and set her down gently. I had been thinking of just dropping her, but that would be too mean.

“When did you get strong enough to do that!?” Twilight asked, wide eyed.

“Post mortem, love. I’ve carried you before, you know.” I plopped down next to her, taking her hand once I was settled.

She glowed red. “I forgot about that. I wondered how I got into my room that night.”

“Before death, that was fucking difficult, even with my drunken strength. You ponies are some dense creatures.”

“I feel like you mean something else.” Whaaaat?

“What? No I don’t.”

She glared at me adorably “You do! Not all ponies are dumb, Max.”

“I’m speaking to one of the best and brightest. I know that pretty well, love.” I booped her nose.

Twilight scrunched up her nose and swatted my hand. “You’re just being nice to distract me!”

I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “If I wanted to distract you, I have much better avenues, believe me.”

“Oh? Like what?” Twilight asked.

I gave her a dirty grin and flicked my eyes down to her breasts. “I can show you, if you’re curious.”

Her face lit up and her eyes were bolted to the clock on the wall. “Would you look at the time! Fluttershy should be here any minute!”

I spared the clock a fleeting glance. “We have all the time I need.” I sat on one knee and started kissing the side of her neck up to her jaw.

Twilight shivered, but didn’t stop me. “We really shouldn’t, Max!”

I tilted her chin towards me and pressed my lips against hers, Twilight quickly surrendering to my ministrations. I gave her my best and she responded with no small amount of enthusiasm, though her skill hadn’t improved at all. However, it mattered less and less as we carried on, giving her time to get the gist of the action. It was very apparent that I was going to have to be the initiator if I wanted this to go any further, but I was content with snogging Twilight for the time being. As I’ve said before, the woman had some very nice lips, and if she wanted to keep it relatively innocent for the time being, I was happy to oblige.

We were still going at it when we heard someone clear their throat. I had been paying special attention to the task at hand, so it didn’t surprise me that Fluttershy of all people was able to enter unheard. Twilight jolted away and nearly bit my fucking tongue when she realized that Fluttershy was watching.

I was rather nonplussed myself, though I did wipe my mouth off before speaking. “Hullo, Fluttershy. What’s up?”

“O-Oh, you know... “ She twirled her hair.

I glanced over to Twilight who was still hilariously mortified at being caught. “Oh yeah, so Twilight and I are dating now. Figured I should let you know.”

“T-That’s nice…” Fluttershy didn’t seem upset, but it was still quite awkward.

“Have you ever tried kissing Twilight? I highly recommend it. Feel free to give it a shot while I write Celestia a note.”

I grinned as I left the room and jotted down a quick note, relaying what had happened and telling her that Twilight had fallen prey to my irresistible charm. Since Luna had taken over the day’s proceedings in Canterlot, Celestia was able to respond quickly. She was not happy. Long story short, Celestia forbade me from laying Twilight in any shape from or fashion while we were together, and since I actually loved Celestia, my choice was rather simple. She didn’t explain why exactly she was so opposed to the idea of me being with Twilight, but I had a pretty good idea.

I agreed to break things off with Twilight on the condition that Celestia help explain just why I had to. I warned her that snuffing Twilight’s flame like that would never end well, and it took her much longer to reply this time. Celly’s response was that I could continue seeing Twilight on the condition that I don’t ‘go all the way’ with her. So basically, I could do the nice day time things with Twilight, but the night moves were on hold for the foreseeable future, which I found to be an odd rule, though it was an agreeable one. Breaking the news to her would be quite weird, but I suppose that there were worse conversations to have.

I strolled back into the living room after ten or so minutes and found Twilight and Fluttershy with their lips puckered, eyes closed, and their postures rigid. Their faces were a hand’s length from each other, and they both seemed very hesitant to go through with it, so I sneakily stalked forward, controlling my breathing so that I wouldn’t make the slightest noise. I was successful in my mission, and as an uncontrollable grin widened my mouth, I pushed the two women towards each other, causing them to lock lips. Both jolted backwards and blushed furiously at my little joke.

“You girls know that it’s only kissing if you actually do it, right?” I said cheekily.

“Max!” Twilight said. “We didn’t need your help!”

“Then perhaps you’d like to repeat the performance?” I teased.

“Well, it wasn’t much of a kiss…” Fluttershy murmured.

I poked Twilight’s side. “See? Fluttershy agrees!”

Twilight sat still and the blush on her face grew as I looked at her expectantly. I peered at Fluttershy momentarily and saw unease on her face, which made me curious. I went back to studying Twilight, finding that anxiety, embarrassment, and a bit of anger carved its way through her posture in the most minute of details. I was pushing her to do something that she had barely mustered up the nerve to do the first time, and I was willing to bet that she was feeling the peer pressure in the most terrible way. It wasn’t that I was trying to be mean, it's just difficult to cull the good natured ribbing that I grew up with. Debating on whether or not to show Twilight what exactly she was trying to get into or to just give it up, I was in the middle of quite the moral quandary. Should I, in essence, give her reasons to hate me so that she sees the folly in trying to love me? Or should I continue on the path of trying to be a decent guy and let it go? In one fell swoop, I could create an event that would show both Twilight and Fluttershy that I could be a cruel bastard without even trying, or I could show them that I was advancing on my chosen path and slowly becoming a man worthy of their love. Maybe I was just reading too deeply into it, but my choice was as clear as mud. When in doubt, take the middle path and share one’s thoughts.

“You know, I’d like to point something out.” I said loftily.

That got their attention. “Please don’t.” Twilight squeaked.

I booped her nose and grinned. “Nah, I’m still going to. While you’ve been staring at Fluttershy’s magnificent mammaries, I had a little thought.”

“I-I-I was not!” She stammered.

“You totally were. Anyway, like I was saying, I was thinking about the pressure I was putting on you two just now and briefly wondered whether or not it was the right choice to just let the matter drop or to push you harder and make both of you uncomfortable as hell.” Fluttershy and Twilight stared at me. “I mean, it would be a great way to show you that, if I’m not careful, I’m going to be a proper prick to both of you whenever the Hell I feel like it, and that there’s precious little you can do about it other than say no. Considering that saying no doesn’t include barbed compliments or teasing that goes too far, I’m saying again that there really isn’t much you can do about it besides just not talking to me, but since we’re dating,” I pointed at both of them, “it would defeat the purpose of being with me. So, in conclusion, instead of pressuring you two into doing something that your hearts aren’t in, I decided to share my thoughts with you. Any comments?”

Twilight’s jaw dropped, so Fluttershy was the first to answer. “...I-I don’t think you would ever be that m-mean on purpose, though. You just said that you considered pressing the issue but didn’t, so a-at the very least, you’re being thoughtful and acting less impulsively.”

Twilight shook her head to clear it. “Fluttershy’s right. If you really were that mean, you wouldn’t have shared your thoughts and just kept them to yourself, or rather, you wouldn’t have even had those thoughts and just kept going. Like I told you earlier, Max, you’re not as bad as you think you are most of the time.”

“Does that mean you’re fine with the fact that I literally pushed you and Fluttershy to kiss?” I beamed.

They shared a look and Twilight’s magic grabbed me. “What do you think, Fluttershy? Should we let him off the hook for being a bad little colt?”

The buttery mare pretended to think. “I don’t think so, Twilight. Max already gets away with an awful lot of things.”

“Hey! To be fair, and hopefully get me out of whatever evils you two are thinking of, I did die today, so I think I deserve a bit of leeway. Teasing is just my way of coping with my own death. You wouldn’t punish someone for trying to heal, would you?” I said quickly.

Fluttershy looked very guilty and I immediately felt bad. “When you put it like that…” She rubbed her arm and looked away.

“...Maybe this one time?” Twilight suggested nervously.

I immediately felt awful “Look, girls, I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you. Especially not you, poppet.”

“I-It’s okay…” Fluttershy muttered softly.

Now that the mood was killed and that pesky awkward silence was back again, I decided to switch tactics and go for a distraction. If Twilight wouldn’t give my literature a try, I’m sure that Fluttershy would be willing.

“Hey, Fluttershy.” I said casually.

“Yes?” She responded.

“How would you rate your eye for literature? On a scale of one to ten?”

Twilight’s ears twitched. “Don’t fall for it, Fluttershy! He’s going to have you read his dirty work!”

Fluttershy blushed and looked at her hands. “W-Well… I don’t think I would mind. I-If Max wrote it, it’s probably not bad.”

I smiled. “Fantastic! I knew I could trust you to be the mature one, Fluttershy!” Twilight stuck her tongue out at me, proving my point. I grabbed the book from the table I had set it on and handed it to Fluttershy.

Twilight and I made some idle conversation as Fluttershy read on, but I had this feeling of giddiness that wouldn’t leave, no matter what I did. I tried to calm myself, but the fact that someone was reading my work and that they seemed to be enraptured gave me a feeling like no other, and I couldn’t wait to hear what she thought. Twilight had to grab my attention a few times when I trailed off and stopped talking, too busy looking at Fluttershy and trying to gauge her reaction to carry on a real conversation. I could tell that I was starting to irritate Twilight, but there was little I could do. I was anxious to see if Fluttershy approved of my work so far.

I tried to focus on Twilight and managed to succeed a little, but when I dropped the little bomb about Celestia not approving of any bedroom activities, she barely reacted. She told me that she was a little disappointed, although she wasn’t really interested in me for the sex, which was a nice change of pace. Twilight mostly wanted to see and talk to me more often, dating being the perfect fix to that. It made me feel rather flattered.

Fluttershy finished what I had written much faster than the majority of her friends could have, but Twilight and I still could have halved her time easily. Not that I read as fast as Twilight, but my normal pace was close to when she was reading for fun. As it was, I abruptly ended my conversation with the lavender lover to see what the buttery fluttery one thought of my writing.

“Sooo? Is it good?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Max…” Fluttershy started.

I slapped my hands to my face and let them slide down. “Oh dear lord, it’s bad isn’t it?”

“W-Well…” Fluttershy hid behind her hair, her face bright red.

“Don’t take it personally, Max.” Twilight cut in. “Not everypony is suited to writing! It might not be your thing, but there’s other activities to enjoy!”

“B-But..” Fluttershy trailed off.

Twilight was preparing to say something else, but I raised a hand to ward off her words for the moment. “Hold on, Twi. What’s up, Fluttercup?”

“I-I’ve been trying to say t-that your book just needs to be finished…” She peeked at me,

I scratched my head. “Oh. I know that. What do you think of it so far?”

“It’s…” I leaned forward, waiting for her to speak.

Fluttershy balked once more and studied the hardwood floor. I looked to Twilight and she simply shrugged. From the look on her face, I could tell that she was a little interested, but not terribly so. It was a bit of a piss off honestly. I spent hours on that!

“I-I-It was good.” Fluttershy whispered.

“Yes!” Reaching for the sky, I cheered and laughed. “I really do hope you’re not just sparing my feelings here, poppet, because I’d be perfectly fine with going back to the drawing board.”

“W-Well…”

“Mate.” My smile melted.

“W-Wait!” Fluttershy raised her hands palm forward. “I-It really is good!”

“Seriously, you’ve gotta stop trailing off. Next thing you know, you’ll have agreed to be the star of an orgy and your bum will be wrecked.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “What’s an orgy?”

“You know what? Don’t let me spoil your innocent ears with more of my filth.” I said hastily.

“You say that a lot…” The yellow mare pointed out.

I raised a brow. “It’s probably because it’s often the appropriate response. Do you know what an orgy is?”

“W-Well, no.”

“Exactly. And far be it from me to be the one to tell you.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Why don’t you just tell us what it is? I’m certain you’ve said worse things before, and one more thing isn’t really going to change that.”

“True, but I’d rather not if I don’t have to.” I replied.

Twilight rolled her eyes and the subject was dropped. After a few minutes of more idle small talk, I made some tea and grabbed some biscuits to go with it. Twilight wasn’t planning on staying the night, so she left around ten to get back home to Spike which left Fluttershy and I to do as we pleased, if you know what I mean. Actually, you don’t have to know what I mean because all we did was go to bed soon after Twilight left. It must be said that sleeping with Fluttershy, stroke any funny business, was a very pleasant experience.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fluttershy and I headed back to her cabin the next morning, and I began to miss Lupa more than I had been. I still didn’t know where the hell she was, and I hadn’t tried talking to her yet, so I didn’t really want to speak to any of Fluttershy’s animals before I had a chance to see her. Speaking of, it turned out that the Hizketan Baia did work. As we approached Fluttershy’s home, I could hear the odd word or two, but couldn’t really make anything out, but Fluttershy’s grin told me that the berries had worked for her.

“So they didn’t poison you after all. How is it? Speaking to your animals, that is.” I asked.

“I never told you? I could have sworn I did.”

“Well, we didn’t talk much last night after Twilight left and we haven’t really had much of a chance anyways. Now’s the perfect time if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you.” Fluttershy answered melodiously.

“Have I mentioned how much I love talking to you when we’re alone? None of our friends ever jab back like you do.” I grinned at her

“You’ve never said anything. I guess I can tell Applejack that she doesn’t have to hold back as much now.”

“Eh, I kind of want it to be our thing, if you don’t mind.”

Her face lit up and our surroundings seemed to brighten along with it. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

Fluttershy lead the way inside and the experience that lie within was breathtaking. Of course I had been there before, but now I could understand what the creatures she kept were saying up to a certain point. The smaller animals spoke single words at a time, often just saying ‘food’ or ‘mate’, which I found a bit confusing until I realized that they were talking about partners and not friends. The medium sized animals had a bit more to say, though they rarely spoke, and I had yet to see Bearett or Mr. Foxy. If I couldn’t find Lupa, I’d prefer to speak to one of them first since I knew them a bit better than the rest.

I assisted Madam Caretaker with her morning duties, though her more intelligent beasts were all absent for some odd reason. I hoped that Lupa would return when they did, but when I voiced my concerns to Fluttershy, she waved them aside and told me that some of her animal friends left from time to time to go do something or other. She hadn’t had the chance to talk with them before they left, so she didn’t know what exactly it was that they were doing. That made me breathe a little easier, figuring that Lupa had probably gone off to do whatever it was they were up to, though I did wonder what the bloody fuck it was. Lupa rarely enough ditched me, and I was still quite worried about her.

After finishing up with Fluttershy’s work, we went for a brunch date. I had yet to take a single one of my girlfriends out and decided that it was well past the time to change that. We went to one of the two actual restaurants in town called ‘Blossoms and Blooms’, which I had previously thought was a flower shop. In essence, I was spot on due to the fact that they specialized in flower and hay related meals. Luckily, I was able to get a plate of hashbrowns with various garden fresh vegetables while Fluttershy went with a Yarrow and Chamomile salad. I was a little disturbed with the yarrow since I remembered reading somewhere that it induced vomiting. Maybe that was just from some cat related book I read as a child, or maybe it was in the herbiary that I had borrowed from Twilight. Either way, Fluttershy seemed quite happy with her meal, though I wished they had cooked mine a bit longer, seeing as how my hashbrowns were softer than Fluttershy’s bottom. What good are flimsy hashbrowns?

We parted ways shortly after and I wondered what I should do to fill time since there was little else to do. I considered going home to finish my book, but I didn’t feel like writing at the moment which meant that anything I put to paper would suck, so I wandered around town for a bit. The townsfolk were still a bit wary of me from my drunken rampage not too long ago, but I tried to smile and wave to as many people as possible to help with that. Apparently it wasn’t going to be that easy, since those I greeted shied away. It occurred to me that my new status as a pariah may have been due to the incident with Cuntie. Fucking twat got me shunned and I was the victim in the situation! I will never understand how Ponies are okay with some someone crossing boundaries that should be obvious, but not with retaliation. Fucking idiots.

With that in mind, I made a note to go visit Rarity to clear the air between us. I didn’t really want to, but it would be better in the long run if I just got it over with as soon as possible. Luckily, my meandering about and general train of thought had lead me to Rarity’s side of town, so I was able to get over to the Carousel Boutique in no time at all. I pondered whether or not I should just walk in or knock since I was here on business and for personal matters. Going with knocking, then entering anyway, I strolled in with my chest puffed out comically and my shoulders set back. If I was going to do something I didn’t want to, I was going to have fun with it, dammit!

“One moment!” Rarity called out from the back of the shop.

“Take your time.” I replied in a silly, high pitched voice.

Rarity did not take her time and was out a few seconds later with a bright smile on her face. She was wearing a nice white blouse with a form fitting black skirt to go with it, and my attention wandered from her face to elsewhere.

“Hello! How can-” Rarity cut her greeting off suddenly. “Oh. It’s you.” She said flatly.

“Yes, I am me as I tend to be. ‘Sup Rares?”

Rarity crossed her arms. “Are you here to apologize?”

“If that cleans up the bad blood between us, then yeah.”

We stood in silence for a minute and she made a ‘go on’ gesture by rolling her hand through the air.

“Well, I can’t very well do it now, can I?” I let my chest fall and rubbed the back of my neck.

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “If not now, then when? I don’t have all day, you know.”

I sighed. “Fine. While the conversation is nice and awkward, I apologize for calling you a dosey pillock. “

“And?” She asked.

“I’m also sorry for yelling at you with gross chav words.”

We stood for a while longer and Rarity just spread her hands. “Is there anything else you would like to apologize for?”

“Uh… No, I think that’s it, besides telling you to roll over. That’s pretty much it.”

“So you’re not going to apologize for calling me a liar?”

“You lied to me. That makes you a liar.”

“Quite rich, coming from you!” She scoffed.

I smirked. “It takes a liar to know one.”

“It most certainly does not! I will admit that I did lie to you, but I did it for the sake of a prank! I would think you’d understand better than most.”

“I understand, but how you think I approve is something else entirely. Did you honestly think that allowing someone to steal from me would end well? Because if you did, you’re a fool.”

Rarity angrily flipped her hair and turned her nose up at me. “I’m not a 'fool'! I just thought turnabout would be fair play.”

“Yes, turnabout would be fair play, but Cuntie literally stole from me and vandalized my journal. That is not a prank, that’s schoolyard bullying which I happen to have zero patience for.”

“Do not call 'Pinkie' that in my presence ever again.”

“Deal with it. Until I forgive her for her ‘prank’, the nickname stays."

“Well I think it was a better prank than the one you pulled on Twilight!”

“It literally destroyed the last piece of friendship I had with that pink menace, so if you consider that a good prank, then you’re a twisted sister if I’ve ever seen one.” I replied calmly. I was trying to keep a cool head, hoping that Rarity would follow suit. Clearly she wasn’t, but that didn’t mean this had to be an argument.

“If you just forgave her like a normal pony, then you’d still have her as a friend! Really, Max, you’re such a foal at times, it’s ridiculous!”

“If you’ll quit your bitching, I’ll apologize for calling you a cunt too. I kinda forgot about that.”

Rarity huffed and walked into the back of her shop. I followed her until the door which was locked. She hadn’t actually told me to leave, so I paced for a couple minutes while waiting for some kind of response. It came by way of Rarity blowing through the door with a garment rack and a hefty sack full of bits.

“I’ve finished your clothes,” She pointed to the outfits, “And here’s your bits from your ‘investment’. I’ve taken the liberty of using them as funds for your project, so don’t feel as though this was anything more than a business engagement.” Rarity crossed her arms again and glared at me.

I copied her and rolled my eyes. “You’re the one acting like a child, Rarity. We had a row, I’ve apologized, and now you’re just being petty. I don’t expect you to accept the apology, but are you really going to let my troubles with one of your friends wreck the friendship we have?”

“What you seem to be missing is that you’ve now lost three friends, Max. Why Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack even talk to you is beyond me, but you shouldn’t expect Rainbow or myself to want to be in the same room as you." She sneered. "And speaking of,” She used her stupid magic to open the door, “please see yourself out.”

“Fine. If you’re not willing to be mature, then I’m going to see your bullshit and raise you a good day. Good day to you, madam.” I huffed and strode out of her boutique, leaving my stuff behind. I shut the door quietly behind me, not wanting to come off as a petulant child, but Rarity had irked me a bit.

I wasn’t mad per se, but I was a little irritated that I had gone through the trouble of apologizing, although not for everything. I had still made more of an effort than Cuntie had ever done, so I felt a little gypped that Rarity hadn’t practiced the forgiveness she was so vehemently preaching to me. Gee, it was as if they were happy with their double standards. I tried not to dwell on it, but it niggled at my mind, though I couldn’t very well expect Rarity to accept an apology that she didn’t want to. After all, I had done the same thing, in a manner of speaking, so I couldn’t really be mad at her. However, I could be mad that she said Cuntie’s ‘prank’ was better than mine. I still don’t see how giving someone something that they had no vested interest in even compared in the slightest to vandalism and theft, and I should be able to draw that comparison quite well. Now I believe that I was more hurt that Rarity was so opposed to seeing things from my side than actually being mad at her. Pesky feelings, getting in the way of my masculine stoicism.

With little else to do, I decided to go back home, taking my time as I pleased. There was nothing I actually had to do, and I didn’t want to go shopping again, so I was somewhat stuck for an activity for the day. I could always see if I could get some more of the hoi polloi to like me, but fuck that garbage. I resolved to go home and finish my book now that I could feel a bit of the familiar not-actual-magic return to my fingertips. The last few chapters were going to be a doozy if I could figure out how to get my new ideas on paper, and ending my untitled book with a spot of tragedy sounded better and better the more I thought of it. With a grin on my face, I carried on until I noticed a familiar pink thing on my doorstep.

Fuck my life sometimes.

My high spirits were well and truly lowered in anticipation of the cryfest that was probably about to ensue, but I tried to keep my mood pleasant. It was just going to be another bump in the road, and little else, no reason to ruin such a nice day. Cuntie stood in front of my door and knocked twice while I approached. Apparently she had been there for some time if her continued presence on my stoop was anything to go by. From where I was on the road to my house was about a five minute walk, and I had spotted Cuntie roughly three minutes prior, so she was obviously willing to wait to talk to me.

My long strides cut my walk by a minute or so, leaving me to initiate the conversation with Cuntie on my own time. I stood about a meter behind her and watched as she knocked from time to time, standing there with my arms crossed, waiting for her to give up and get ready to go home. I knew that if I really wanted to avoid her, I could have simply gone through the Whitetail Woods and came in through the back door, but I was mildly interested in what she had to say. It took some solid stones to visit me alone, especially since she knew that I wasn’t happy with her, so I figured that it would be, at the very least, polite to hear what she had to say. I took the time to analyze her posture and nothing was new. A bit of shame, sadness, sprinkle in some severe depression and you had a Cuntie pie.

I noticed, after awhile, that she was obviously not going anywhere since we had been standing there for some time now. I cleared my throat and she didn’t respond, so I rolled my eyes and took a more direct approach.

“OI!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

Cuntie barely twitched and turned around. Honestly, the girl looked like shit warmed over, rolled in death, and painted with misery. It made me smile.

“Max.” She hoarsely whispered, avoiding direct eye contact.

“Cuntie.”

The pink twat flinched. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“And here we are. What do you want?”

“I want to apologize for hurting you.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I didn’t think-”

“Quite true,” I interrupted, “you didn’t. If that’s all, I have things to do. Not important or time sensitive things, but things nonetheless.”

“Oh… I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

I stood and stared at her for a moment before she started walking away. I caught her arm before she passed me entirely. “You know you still haven’t actually apologized, right?”

She licked her lips and coughed, getting her voice to sound like a living person’s. “I know you don’t want to hear it.”

“Try me.”

“Max, I’m sorry for stealing your journal and writing in it. I should have known that it was important to you.”

“Is that all you’re sorry for?”

She gave me a befuddled look before dropping her gaze again. “I’m sure there’s more.”

I rubbed my chin and pretended to think for a moment.“How about you try apologizing for invading my privacy twice?”

“Twice?”

“Yeah. Besides the journal thing there was another time.”

“What do you mean? I don’t remember.” She bit her lip, holding her arms behind her back.

“You don’t remember eavesdropping on Onyx Lock and I? You don’t remember telling Applejack about my past?”

Her eyes widened as she looked me in the eye “I-I thought you already forgave me for that.”

“When did you apologize for it?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

Tears leaked from her eyes and her expression changed from miserable to frustrated. “Is that what this is really all about? Are you mad at me because I shared something you didn’t want known? Because I’m sorry for that too, but it’s in the past! I thought we were already through with all that!”

“There were three strikes, Cuntie.” She flinched again. “I’m not so petty as to let as minor mistake or two get in the way of friendship, but you’ve pulled some shit that I’m really not fond of. So no, it’s not just one incident.”

“...Can you please stop calling me that?”

I pulled a bit out of my pocket and flipped it, caught it, and placed it on the back of my hand without looking. “Call it.”

Cuntie looked between my hand and me. “Sun.”

I removed my hand and the coin was Sun side up. “It’s your lucky day, Pinkie. I’ll let the nickname go for now.”

“Did you really just leave it to chance?” She asked.

“Yes, yes I did. Do you have a problem with that?”

“... No. I deserved it anyway.”

“Good lass. Is there anything else you wanted?”

“Your forgiveness? Can I have a coin flip on that too?”

“It would be pointless. I don’t want to let your trespasses go right now, so if I agreed to do that, it would just be lip service.”

“... You’re right.”

“But it doesn’t make you feel any better? Take your victory and avoid doing anything else stupid; I’ll forgive you in time, just not right now.”

Pinkie’s wiped the tears from her eyes. “You’re not a nice pony.”

“I am not. I’m not a Pony at all, so don’t expect of me what you would from one of your kinsmen. I’m just wired differently, raised differently, and much more angry in general. If there’s nothing else, it’s starting to get warm out.”

“I-I… I have another question.”

I shrugged “Ask away.”

“If you hate me as much as you say you do, why are you talking to me? You could have-”

“Avoided you and skipped this whole little conversation. Yeah, I know that. I was standing behind you for a while and I was curious. That’s pretty much all there is to it.”

Her shoulders sagged. “...I don’t get you.”

“I don’t even get me, but the few friends I have left have a better understanding than I do, so you might care to ask them if you want to learn how to get on my good side. Don’t think that means I want material things from you, it just means that leaving me to do my own thing is probably your best bet. Distance is key when handling me most days, if you’ll take that tip.”

“I’ll… I’ll try to keep that in mind. Thank you for listening to me, Max.”

“You’re not welcome, but you’re welcome. Muddle through that on your own, I’ve got writing to do.” I went inside, leaving Pinkie to do whatever she was going to do.

Thinking back on it, I really should have just forgiven Pinkie then and there, and just been done with the whole ordeal instead of dragging it on, but it truly wasn’t in my heart. I would probably let it go later on, and ditching the accurate nickname I had given Pinkie was a good way to get started on the road to recovery for her. Man, am I great or what?

After catching up my journals I set myself to finishing the book I had started, which turned out to be a rather fun endeavor. With the ending nice and tidy, I could finally proofread it myself and name the book. I didn’t know much about pony literature, so I would have to consult with Twilight in the morning to see what names were already taken. I would have gone to see her after I had finished proofreading, but it was well past midnight, and I rather doubted that she was awake. In any case, it was a good time to end my day.

Author's Notes:

Capital G indeed. I know that my interpretation of God in my story is a bit heretical, but it's essentially how I understand him in life. If you want to discuss that, I'm open to it, though I don't want to start arguments over some bullshit. Civil minds get further, as many of you already know.

This chapter took time to write. I won't go into the nitty gritty details, but there's not much to say on it any way. I do hope that you've enjoyed the story so far, and hope that the next chapter goes smoothly.

As always, leave a comment or a rating to let me know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Fixed a few things, plugged a plot hole or two. Normal shit.

Chapter Nineteen: A Lesson Well Learned

Author's Notes:

So some shit happened and the chapter didn't post when it should have. Better late than never.

Leave a like or a comment to let me know how I'm doing, all that jazz.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Fixed some plot holes and adjusted some stuff that wasn't really terribly important. It bothered me, so I did it.

Chapter Nineteen: A Lesson Well Learned

Fuck mornings, fuck cooking, and fuck having to get out of bed. I woke up on the wrong side of everything with no idea why, but I was quite moody and it was seeming like a good day to do a whole lot of nothing. I made something to eat, got showered, shaved, dressed and went to go find some kindling for a bonfire I was going to have later that night. Everything was nice and dry due to the summer heat and Rainbow Dash stealing all the clouds in the surrounding area to ruin my property, so after a few hours of working in the oppressive morning aridity, I had a nice log cabin style campfire ready to go. I had filled it high with some spanish moss, pine splinters, and spare paper. It would be quite the spectacle, if I do say so myself.

With my sour mood somewhat abated, I grabbed my book and got stepping. I still had to check with Twilight about the title of my book, and see if I could get her to read it, but I still had some doubts about it. I was pretty sure that she was immune to the effects of smut, at least, in the way that I wrote it, so there wasn’t much of a point in having her read my book if she wasn’t going to enjoy it. It wasn’t smut per se, but there were still steamy bits within that would deter the reader if they weren’t into it, and I felt no desire to push Twilight into reading my work if she didn’t want to. I really needed to find someone as educated as Twilight that could help me work out some of the kinks in my bullshit, but I doubted that there were many people on the planet that could rival her sheer intellect. Perhaps I could write something more along the lines of an adventure story?

I arrived at Twilight’s in the late afternoon due to my slow start in the morning, and Spike, of course, was the one to answer the door.

“Oh. What do you want?” He asked testily.

“Here to see Twilight, but I think we need to talk more than I need to talk to her. Wanna take a quick walk?”

“No.”

“Look, Spike, I’m sorry I lied to you, but I was trying to protect your feelings, mate. That’s all there is to it. I wasn’t trying to pull the wool over your eyes or hurt you in any way, shape, or form; I just didn’t want to see you heartbroken over unrequited love. I’ve been there, done that. Not something I want to see a friend go through, you know?”

“I don’t really get it, but I guess I accept your apology. Don’t think that I’m not still mad at you, though!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, mate. I don’t expect things to be all honey and roses after a few words.”

“Well you shouldn’t.” Spike continued blocking the way into the Treebrary.

“No shit. That’s why I said so. Can I come in now?”

“No.”

I felt a muscle in my jaw twitch and I ground my teeth. “Then go get Twilight so I can get out of your nonexistent hair.”

“No, I don’t really feel like it.” He slammed the door in my face and it took more self control than I’d like to admit to not rip the goddamn thing off of its hinges and beat him to death with it.

I took a breath to calm myself and stepped back. I circled around the Treebrary, chucking pebbles at the windows until I got a response. A few times, it was Spike shaking a fist at me from behind them, but after the fourth time, he opened the window and I couldn’t control myself: I threw the largest rock I had as hard as I could and it whistled past his head, barely missing the fellow. I heard something break inside and Twilight shouting, so I went back to the front door and knocked again.

Twilight was the one to answer. “Max! Did you throw a stone through my window!?”

“I did. I’ve been trying to get your attention all morning, and Spike has been quite the bitch. I asked to see you and he denied me entry.”

“Well he’s a mad teenager! What did you expect!?”

“I expected you to respond to having your windows pelted by pebbles. Honestly, Twilight, take some interest in the happenings around your home for once will you?”

“That- No, I’m not even going to respond to that. How are you going to fix my vase?”

“I’ll pay for another one, if that’s what you’re asking. Otherwise, I’ll do it with glue and plenty of time.”

“You can’t buy another one like that! My brother got that for me when I became Celestia’s student, and it’s a one of a kind!”

“Don’t you have a spell or something that can fix it? I’m no expert, but a quick repair spell should do the trick.”

Twilight blushed and rubbed her head. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was mostly just upset that somepony threw a rock at my vase.”

“Yeah, sorry for that, love, but I was aiming for Spike’s head.”

Her eyes widened. “Max!”

“Yes, I know! I shouldn’t have let my anger get the best of me, and I already regret it, so let’s skip the Aesop and get on with our day, yeah?”

“I-I…” Twilight huffed and shook her head. “I honestly don’t see how ponies deal with you on a regular basis.”

“You’re one of the ones who do, so you tell me. It’s probably easier since I’m more lovable when people aren’t pissing me off at every turn. You know, I tried apologizing to Rarity and she threw me out of her shop, and I tried apologizing to Spike, but he’s still acting like a salty little prick. What happened to the whole ‘apologizing fixes everything’ deal you guys had going?”

“I don’t really know, but I think your actions probably had plenty to do with it. How did you apologize to Rarity?”

“I said I was sorry for the things I actually was sorry for. She wanted me to apologize for calling her a liar, but she lied and it was the truth, so I refused.”

“...I see your side of that, but nopony likes to be called a liar.”

“And yet you and your friends jump at the opportunity to call me one.”

“We do not!” Twilight protested.

I gave her a flat look and she balked. “Well, maybe we say it more often than we should…”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “Your double standards astound me sometimes. I find it to be quite frustrating, you know, when people expect me to uphold standards that they themselves won’t abide by.”

“I don’t do that, do I?” Twilight asked softly.

“Not that I’ve noticed. I shouldn’t have implied that you yourself do that. My bad.”

She sighed a breath of relief. “I’ll talk to Rarity-”

“No, don’t bother. If I can’t get her to see my side on my own, then I’ve failed her as a friend. I’ll give her some distance and try again another time when my relationship with Pinkie is looking better. After all, I’m rather sure that’s what’s causing her to be such a twat.”

“I know that word is an insult, but I don't know what it means, so I can’t really tell you not to call her that.”

“Great. Remind me not to tell you what cunt means either.”

“...Yeah, no. I want you to explain that one.”

“Nah, I don’t feel like it. Instead, why don’t we get on to the reason I’m visiting in the first place?”

“I suppose we could do that. What brings you over? It’s not just a normal visit, is it?”

“It is, actually. I wanted to ask for your help in naming my book since I’ve finished it. I was thinking of calling it ‘A Single Breath’.”

“Hmm… Without reading it, I can’t really say if it’s appropriate.”

“Does that mean you're interested now?” I raised my brows and leaned toward her.

“I’m not sure. I’m still upset that you broke my vase and threw a rock at Spike! In fact, I’m very upset about that.” Twilight glared at me. It was adorable.

“You’re too cute when you’re mad, love. Almost makes me want to mess with you some more, just so I can see how cute you get.” I grinned at her.

“Rarity really did put it best when she said you were insufferable. Have a good day, Max.”

“Damn. I’ll try again some other time, then. Take care, Twilight.”

I walked away and wondered what the hell I was going to do now when it suddenly struck me! I had to get supplies for my bonfire! I didn’t need anymore wood, but I did need snacks, though I figured that without Twilight, the activity would be less fun, so I decided to hold off on it until she wasn’t mad at me. Another thing occurred to me, and it was that I should invite Celestia and Luna over.

I needed more snacks. And lawn furniture.

With something to do in mind, I headed over to the local bank, withdrew some funds, and set out to get what I needed. Sadly, the furniture store I had visited before didn’t have much in the way of out door furniture, but I bought a few deck chairs to replace what I had lost, a chiminea for shits and giggles, and another wicker table. It cost me quite the pretty penny, but I thought that is was worth it, so it was all good. I had some mover fellows take it back to my house for me and continued on with my shopping. It was a pleasant day, all things said, if you gloss over the Twilight’s poor vase and Spike’s petty rubbish.

I’d picked up a few more things while I was out for decorations around the house, but I don’t consider any of them important enough to write down, so I’ll leave them out for now, except for the statuette I picked up for my bedroom. It was quite the piece, depicting a Gryphon fighting a chimera in a marvelous marble that I found very tasteful, but I both loved and hated it. I felt as though I was the chimera, and the Gryphon was the evil nature that I was constantly battling against. Of course, the Gryphon appeared to be winning and the chimera was being beaten down handily, but it served as a good reminder that I needed to keep myself in check and be aware of my struggle against my own nature lest I lose what’s important to me. It was a sobering thought, and frankly, one that I needed if my actions with Spike were anything to go by.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote out invitations to both Celestia and Luna, inviting them to the ‘party’ I was holding in two days. I’d hoped that it was enough time for them to work out a gap in their schedules, but if they couldn’t make it, I would hold another one some other time. I wasn’t exactly close with Luna, but I wanted to see her again some time. She was a pretty cool person if you could get past the barbed comments and archaic vernacular, but she was a bit of a loner. Hopefully, a little get together could help her get out there a bit and make some friends, but I worried that her stature as a princess would get in the way of her actually befriending anyone.

Look at me, being all thoughtful and shit. Fucking disgusting.

Since I had written a couple of invitations, I figured that I could bear writing a few more, so I wrote one for Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Lyra, and Zecora. I also wrote a few for Spike, Rarity, Pinkie and Big Mac, despite how rocky our relationships were. I figured that extending an olive branch would be a nice thing to do, and with any luck, smooth out some of the rocks in the road. I didn’t invite Rainbow because fuck that house wrecking bitch. In any case, those I had invited were at least on half decent grounds with me, and since Pinkie apologized properly, I could give her a pass.

I wondered if Spike or Rarity would show up, but their attendance wasn’t terribly crucial. In fact, the only people I really cared about coming were Twilight, Flutters, AJ and the Princesses. I like Lyra well enough, but I wouldn’t be sad if she had other matters to attend to, and the rest were invited for politeness sake anyways, so if nothing else, I had plenty of snacks to spare. I had really loaded up on them while shopping, and would probably try to pawn them off on Applejack if no one showed up at all.

After sending off my notes, I picked up where I had left off on the workbench I had been making before Rainbow fucked my day up and managed to get it constructed in the space of a few hours. It wasn’t the prettiest thing, so I sent Applejack another note, inviting her to come inspect my workmanship when she had a chance. It was about six now, so if she did come, we would only have a couple more hours of natural light to work with, but I did have a light on the back porch to help with visibility. I had never actually used it before, so it would be something to check out once the sun fell below the horizon.

I faffed about for an hour before Applejack showed up at my door. She smelled of apples and a bit of sweat, but it wasn’t like she was particularly odorous, so I allowed her to come in.

“Hullo, my sweet apple pie. How’s the day gone for you?” I gave her a winsome smile.

She returned it with an insincere one of her own. “Just peachy! Never had a better one!”

“You know you’re awful at lying, right?”

Applejack sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. “I know. It just hasn’t been a good day, sugarcube. One of the doors on the barn fell off, which got me behind on fixin’ up Big Mac’s cart, which meant that we couldn’t get our apples back from the orchard, which meant that we had to carry everythin’ by hoof. Then Granny Smith laid into me because I didn’t clean my room, but I didn’t even have time to do it between tryin’ to fix everthin’ and get the scheduled work done, so I don’t even know what the old bat wants from me! And to top it all off, Big Mac started some nonsense about Apple Bloom talkin’ to ya and that didn’t exactly end well, and we ended up makin’ the poor filly feel somethin’ awful, and now she thinks you’re some kinda evil!”

“Wow… It has been a shit day. Thank you for making the time to come and see me, despite how it’s gone so far. I really do appreciate it, love.”

She sighed again. “No problem. Sorry if I stink, I just didn’t wanna keep ya waitin’, so I rushed over once I got my stuff done up. I still gotta get another wheel put on that cart, but It shouldn’t be too hard, just time consumin’.”

“Well how about this; We go back to the farm for a bit, I try to get that wheel on the wagon, you get the grime of a hard day’s work washed off, and we sit Big Mac and Apple Bloom down so we can talk things out?”

“I dunno, Max. Mac still doesn’t like ya much and the wheel is awful heavy for a non-Earth Pony, and double that since you’re… Well…”

“Actually, since I died, I’m quite a bit stronger.” I stepped in and hugged her, lifting her off of her hooves. “See?”

“Put me down! I’m gross!”

I did and licked her face. “You’re not gross, just a bit sweaty.”

She scrunched up her face and wiped my slobber off. “Whatever. We got more important stuff to talk about. Did you just say you died?”

“Yeah. Drank a potion I had Zecora make and it killed the fuck outta me. Celestia and Twilight managed to bring me back, but a creature called a Leshy made me tougher while I was floating about out of my body, and now I’m about as strong as a normal pony. Not a bad trade if you ask me.”

“See, when you say you died, I have an awful hard time believin’ that seein’ as how you’re not, you know, dead!”

“Ask Twilight and Fluttershy. I was properly dead for a good twenty or so minutes before Celestia brought me back to the world of the living.”

Applejack walked in and paced around for a bit. I stood by and watched her with an amused look on my face. When she finally stopped, she slapped her face with both hands and shook her head.

“Seriously. You died? You’re not lyin’ to me?”

“Yup, dead as a doornail. I’m surprised Fluttershy or Twilight didn’t mention it to you.”

“I’ve been so busy at the farm I haven’t really had the time, but I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this sooner, Max! What the hay is wrong with you!? Did you not think I’d want to know that I almost lost a friend!?”

“I didn’t tell you because I forgot. I don’t consider it that big a deal, love. I died, came back to life, and I’ve been carrying on normally, so why would I freak you out by telling you about it? I know I’m handling it better than most-”

“You’re talkin’ about it like you stubbed your toe or somethin’! What the hay is wrong with you!?” Applejack grabbed my shirt and shook me.

I took her wrists and got her to stop, lowering them back down to her sides. Cupping her face in my hands, I gave her a quick peck. “There’s a lot of things wrong with me, Applejack, but since I’m alive, there’s no point in panicking now. Breathe, relax, and let’s get a move on back to Sweet Apple Acres. We don’t have all day.”

“I thought I had you figured out. How are you not terrified that you died?” She asked, exasperated.

“I never said I wasn’t, I’m just dealing with it better than I could be. I see no point in fretting over it since I’m still here, so you shouldn’t worry about it either. It was just another event, love, and I made it through. Like I told Sunbutt, don’t get worried until I do.”

Applejack rubbed her temples and walked out through the open door, leaving me to follow her as we trekked back to her home. I could understand her frustrations, but I wondered why one of the most level headed women I knew freaked out over something that had essentially helped me, so I decided to ask.

I jogged to catch up to her since she was walking at an elevated pace. “What’s going on, Applejack? I thought you of all people would keep a cool head about this.”

She stopped suddenly and I could see tears in her eyes. “What do ya expect from me, Max? Do ya want me to just let the fact that one of my friends almost died and didn’t tell me about it!? Do ya want me to just forget about it and move on like it never happened in the first place!?”

I blinked. “Well, yeah. I apologize for not telling you about it sooner, but this is the first time I’ve seen you since it happened.”

Applejack’s frown deepened. “I don’t wanna lose ya, Max. Not after I almost killed you.”

“I thought we were going to forget about that.”

“I know you won’t and I know I can’t. You mighta forgiven me for it, but it made me realize just how precious life is, and here you are talkin’ like you don’t even care about it!”

I pursed my lips. “I know better than most how precious life is, Applejack, and I know how miniscule my own is in the grand scheme of things. I’m happy I’m still here; that I can still spend another day with you and the girls, but I can’t just let the fact that I was gone impede my life. It just wouldn’t accomplish anything.” I shrugged. “I could break down and be a complete mess, or I could stay my path and deal with it by ignoring it and being grateful that I came back.”

Applejack’s hands returned to her face and she let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t get you. Ya make sense most days, and when ya explain it like that, it makes sense, but dyin’ isn’t supposed to be somethin’ ya can just get over, Max! It’s…” She let the rest of her breath out. “I don’t even know. I really don’t.”

“Well, I don’t think you can really tell me what dying is supposed to be like since you’ve never died.”

“You know what I mean!”

“Look, you can flip your shit all you want, and I’ll happily stay by your side while you do it. Just let me know if this is the moment where you need a hug, or if it’s later down the line.”

“I could use one now, if ya don’t mind. You got me more stressed out that I was.”

I enveloped her in some physical affection and gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m told that it’s a special talent of mine. Hopefully I don’t get a tattoo on my arse for it.”

“A little color never hurt anypony, especially since you’re kinda off white just about everywhere.”

“Hey, I have different pigmentation in different spaces!” I grinned.

“Riiight. Can we get a move on? We don’t have much light left.”

“I’m waiting on you, love.”

Applejack shrugged and we were on our way. She was still somewhat quiet on the trip over, which I blamed on the heavy news I had casually tossed at her, but I found it mildly annoying that I was the one who died and my friends were taking it worse than I was. I mean, shit, I went to Hell! I have no clue how long I was there, but if the fuzzy memories were anything to go by, then it was far too long for my tastes. Actually, I wasn’t too sure about where I had gone when I died anymore, and reading through my notes made me feel like I was tripping balls while I was writing, but He had said that it would be like that. I trusted myself to accurately relay what had happened in my journals, but I was starting to doubt myself more by the day. I lost myself in my thoughts while we walked and eventually ended up bumping into Applejack when we reached the gates of her farm. I excused myself and she gave me an odd look before leading the way onto the property.

I really don’t know why they referred to it as a farm, seeing as how it was predominantly an orchard, but ever since I suggested that Applejack get rid of her animals since they were pointless, I found it even more confusing. I had never followed up to see whether or not she had actually seen them out, but I imagine that Macintosh would be quite the brick wall when it came to changing certain things about their lifestyle. I couldn’t really blame the fellow due to the fact that it was me who suggested it in the first place, but I was hoping that Applejack could make the fellow see reason and save them some money. Hope didn’t count for shit, apparently, since I could still smell animals on the breeze, though the perception thing just made them smell even worse.

It really wasn’t my problem, so I shrugged it off and followed Applejack into her home, taking the time to have a proper look around. The last time I had been here, it was to visit Applejack while she was languishing in her misery, and the time before that, she nearly punched me to death, so I never really paid attention to the decor in the farmhouse. It was nice, rustic place that reminded me a bit of the cottages around Bristol or Bath, but far larger on the inside than you might think. It was decorated warmly with light and dark hardwood furniture, which gave it a very homey feeling, like the farmhouse was well looked after, even if it was plenty lived in. It reminded me that Applejack’s grandmother, Granny Smith, was older than dirt and had been one of the people who had helped build this place. There’s something to be said about frontier workmanship, but I don’t believe much of it is good, though given how old this place was, it should be no surprise that things were constantly falling apart. Unless I could do something about that. Hmm. Something to think about the next day, but the beginnings of a plan were forming in my head, and what a wonderful plan it was.

Applejack waved a hand in front of my face, and I realized that I had been staring off into space and grinning like a fool.

“Hello? Equus to Max?”

“Sorry, love. Just having an idea hatch. How would you feel about me building another house on your land?”

Applejack blinked twice “What?”

“I have the funniest feeling that you talk to your sister way too often.”

“What?” She repeated.

“Never mind. I want to build you some temporary lodgings so we can do some renovations around the farm. Get the barn fixed up properly, no more squeaky floors in the house, all that faff. What do you say?”

“Yeah, no. I appreciate the offer, sugarcube, but I don’t think anypony in Ponyville has the scratch for that. There’s just too much work to be done, and what you’re talking about would take months-”

I cut her off. “Not with the power of a Royal Operative pushing for a hasty completion and plenty of cash to back it up. I don’t know what all needs to be done around here, so I’d put you and Macintosh in charge of overseeing, but believe me when I say I have the scratch for that. You’re talking to someone with more wealth than some nobles, love.”

Applejack’s jaw dropped. “There’s no way! You’ve only been here for a couple o’ months! What could you have possibly done to get so much so quickly? We’re talkin’ at least three thousand bits here!”

“Only three? Rarity told me she would need four for advertising and general investments.”

“You're the sucker she got to pony up that dough!?”

“I’m the friend who was willing to invest in her business. Hell, if I accept my bits back from her, then that’s all I’d need to get things done. So what do you say? Let me invest in Sweet Apple Acres.”

“I-I couldn’t let ya do that, Max. There’s never-”

“Applejack! Is that you?” An elderly voice called out from the general direction of what I assumed to be the kitchen.

“Yes, Granny?” Applejack shouted back.

“Did ya bring somepony over without askin’!?”

“I was just about to introduce ya, just wait a minute!”

I chuckled and Applejack shot me a half smile, rolling her eyes. “It’s about time you met-”

“Hurry up and bring ‘em in! I ain’t gettin’ any younger, darnit!”

I broke out in chuckles and lead the way to Applejack’s kitchen before she could get herself into more trouble. The first thing I noticed was the smell of delicious mulled cider in the air, carrying cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg right into my nose which made my mouth water for a taste of the lady was making. I swallowed twice and looked around before I saw her. Granny Smith was definitely ancient with her pure white hair and multitudes of wrinkles that gave her the appearance of that old woman down the street who used to give me her scraps when I still lived with my mother. My heartstrings were pulled taut and I felt my breath catch: she could have been Ms. Altham’s carbon copy, if that printer turned them out in a shade of light green. I collected myself and reminded my heart that Ms. Altham was gone, and that I had already dealt with that in what felt like a different life.

It felt as though I was being pulled in half by the forces of two different worlds, and no matter how much I reassured myself that Granny Smith and Gladys Altham were two different people, tears still threatened to spill and I felt as weak as a child, ready to run into her arms and eat a slice of her shepard pie. I quickly wiped away the tear that had fallen and steadied, preparing myself to get over my shitty feelings.

“Hullo, you must be Granny Smith,” I extended a hand, my voice cracking, “I’ve heard a lot about you from Applejack.”

The wizened woman took my hand and grinned toothlessly. Well, she had a couple, but it was close enough in my book. “Hello! You must be the Max I’ve heard so much about. Ya know, I hear you’re quite the ladies man.” She gave me a sly grin and I blushed.

“Don’t believe everything you hear. I mostly just make the ladies mad enough to stop talking to me. I don’t see why, I’m just little ol’ me.”

“Modesty’s a good thing to have, sonny. It’ll make ya more friends than you could ever want.”

“Maybe I should practice it more often. I seem to be losing more friends than I make these days.”

Applejack coughed. “It’s just a difference of opinions. Things’ll clear up soon enough, trust me.”

“I do, that’s why I’m here trying to talk things out with your siblings instead of staying at home and finishing up my workbench. Speaking of, where are the little scamps?”

“I can tell ya now that Big Mac ain’t gonna hear nothin’ ya say. Most of what I’ve heard about ya has been from him, and not much of it has been any good.” Granny Smith said before going back to her work on the stove.

“Well, believe what I told ya, rather than what Big Mac says. I actually know Max.” Applejack huffed.

“Yup. I’m sure ya know him pretty well.” The old lady chuckled to herself.

Applejack lit up and I snickered. “Granny!”

“What? Am I wrong?” Granny Smith asked.

I nudged Applejack and gave her a cheeky grin. “Remember, Applejack, Honesty is the best policy.”

“You shut up!” Applejack chided.

“Now AJ, that ain’t no way to talk to your ‘friend’.” Granny turned and gave her a smile. “Especially if he’s a good enough friend to let ya stay the night so often.”

“Applejack, I love your grandma. Granny Smith, if you ever need anything, please let me know and I’ll take care of it.” I grinned.

“Well thank ya, kiddo, but I got enough grandbabies to handle just about anything I need, and I don’t handle much on the farm no more, so I can’t think of nothin’ I need ya to do. That is, unless ya wanna marry Applejack.”

If she had been drinking, Applejack would have done a spit take. “Granny, please!”

“You should hear the way she talks about ya. She dotes on ya like a lovesick puppy, I tell ya.”

The orange mare buried her face in her hands. “Granny, please stop talking! What have I ever done to you?”

“More than I can remember, I’m sure.” She barked cheerfully. “I’m just havin’ some fun with ya, kiddo, don’t take it so seriously.”

“Yeah, AJ, appreciate the fact that your grandmother likes you, instead of focusing on the embarrassment. Speaking of,” My grin grew, “are there any interesting stories about Applejack you might be willing to share, ma'am?”

“Just call me Granny, sonny, and I have plenty of stories! Why, there was the time Applejack and Big Mac were in the tub-”

“And just like that we have the thing with the girls we have to do! C’mon Max, let’s go do that thing.” Applejack said hurriedly.

Granny Smith and I shared a devious look, but I waved her goodbye nonetheless and spared her granddaughter the horrors of hearing about one’s childhood. It was an awful lot like being piss drunk for about ten years; everyone else has a laugh about your antics, but you barely remember doing anything, let alone the reasons behind it. I would have been quite happy to listen in on a bit of Applejack’s life before I knew her, but the woman had respected my wishes for the most part, so it would be unfair of me to go against hers just for my own enjoyment. Perhaps if I were to grow closer to her, she might be willing to share more, but I wondered how much closer you could get to a person after you had literally been connected by the soft bits. That made me wonder how Granny Smith was astute enough to realize that I had been the one laying Applejack, but when I put more brainpower on the subject, I realized it was pretty clear. Applejack most likely wouldn’t lie about where she was going, but I doubt she’d be straightforward about what went on while she was away from home. I would have to remind her to start packing extra clothes in the future.

I toiled away in my mind while I helped Applejack put the heavy ass wheel in its rightful place. She wasn’t using any manner of hyperbole when she said I wouldn’t be able to lift it, at least, not with my pre-death amount of strength. As it was, it still took some sweat to get the damned thing off the ground and rolling it while keeping it upright was still a bit of a chore. My second favorite mare thanked me for my help and shocked the hell out of me when she said that she had been planning to do it alone. I highly doubted that I could have done it and wondered just how strong she actually was, betting that she had held back while fighting me. If that wasn’t the case, then I have no idea how I was even alive. It made little difference now, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty that Applejack had been right: I wasn’t going to be able to forget that event so easily, despite trying to push it further back in my mind, and I doubted that she was going be able to anytime soon either, though she hid it well. I found myself struggling with the idea that our friendship was a farce, that Applejack was being kind and understanding because of her guilt, rather than her nature. Of course I never shared the insidious ponderance with her, but it didn’t leave my mind while we were finishing up with the cart.

Macintosh had taken Apple Bloom into town for a few hours, shopping for various school supplies, clothes, and a few things for the farm. Neither of them were terribly happy to see me when they returned home, although Applejack was already doing damage control before the conversation even started. She and the big red fuck argued in harsh whispers, during which Apple Bloom sidled closer and closer to me until she was actually touching my arm.

“I hate it when they do this.” She murmured.

“By the looks of it, they do this often. Sorry I keep bringing you so much trouble.” I replied softly.

“I don’t think it’s all your fault. Big Mac just don’t like ya much.” She looked up at me. “I’ve heard his side, but Ms. Cheerilee always says that you should hear both sides of an argument before formin’ an opinion.”

“Ms. Cheerilee seems like a smart woman. I don’t really have a side of the argument to be honest with you. Macintosh doesn’t like me because I made Applejack mad, then made her sad. I don’t feel any particular way about him because I don’t really know him.”

“You don’t hate him because he hates you?”

“Not at all. I understand why he doesn’t like me, but I just don’t feel the need to respond to his kind of negativity, you know? It’ll accomplish nothing in the long run, and it won’t change how he feels about me, other than making him feel justified about hating me.”

“...That sounds like somethin’ Ms. Cheerilee would say.”

“Great minds think alike, love.”

“I hear that a lot too, but it’s usually from Diamond Tiara.” She scowled.

“The first bit or the last bit?”

“The first bit.”

“Then she’s not a great mind. The more one repeats something, the less it means, if you understand what I’m saying. If one calls themselves great constantly, then they must be trying to use words to shore up their shortcomings.” I hoped that my impression of this Diamond Tiara was correct, otherwise, I had just insulted her friend.

My impression was proved correct. “That’s what Granny says, more or less.”

“I just met Granny Smith. I like her.”

“You should! She’s the coolest grandma ever!”

“She’s cooler than mine, I’ll give you that. Does she make cookies?”

“Occasionally, but it’s mostly pies and stuff. Can I tell ya somethin’?”

“Is it something you want me to keep quiet?”

“Well, yeah.”

I nodded. “Then I’ll do that. What do you want to say?”

“I really ain’t too fond of apples. I mean, they’re still good, but most of the things we eat around here have somethin’ to do with apples one way or another.” She sighed.

“Well maybe you can stop by with Applejack sometime and I’ll cook for you two. Macintosh is invited as well, of course, but if his appetite is proportional, then I’ll have to go shopping beforehand.”

“Actually, Applejack eats more than he does! I don’t know where she puts it all, but I seen her-”

“You have seen her, love.”

Apple Bloom grumbled. “Gosh, you sound an awful lot like my teacher, correctin’ my grammar. I have seen her put away three pies in one sittin’.”

“That’s a lot of pie,” I commented with a smirk, “I’ve never seen her eat that much.”

“She usually doesn’t let anypony besides family see. She tries to be all proper, but I know her too well.”

“No wonder, she’s your sister after all. May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What do Macintosh and Applejack say about me?”

“Well, Big Mac says you’re mean and untrustworthy, but Applejack says you’re nice when you wanna be and you won’t betray nopony. She also says that you’re not like a Pony in a lotta ways, but that you’re just from a different place and was raised different, so you’re still gettin’ used to life in Equestria.”

I hummed. “Macintosh isn’t wrong when he says I’m mean. I try to be nicer, but it doesn’t always work out for me.”

Apple Bloom tapped her chin. “At least you’re honest about it, I guess. It’s not you’ve been mean to me, I don’t think.”

“You haven’t really given me a reason to be mean. It’s usually something I do as retaliation, but I hope you don’t use that as an excuse. I’m sure that with Applejack and MAcintosh around, you were raised better than that.”

“I was, even if I don’t remember much about my parents, I know they wouldn’t want me actin’ like Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon. What about what Applejack says about ya? Is that true too?”

I scratched my cheek. “I’d like to say that I am trustworthy, before I get to that. I won’t betray trust given to me, if I can help it.”

Apple Bloom nodded, looking at me expectantly.

“What Applejack says is true, for the most part. I’ve told you that I’m not a Pony, thus I can’t be a nice Pony since I am not a Pony,” Apple Bloom scratched her head. “but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to be less of a meanie pants. Where I’m from, teasing each other and trading jokes that most Ponies would consider hurtful is just an everyday thing; a part of daily conversation. It’s hard to curtail that into the nicey nice crap that you Ponies do.”

“...So… You’re not a pony, and because you’re not a pony, you can’t be a good pony?” She asked slowly.

“Yes.” I nodded.

“And because you’re from a place that’s mean, you’re mean?”

“That’s what it boils down to, yes.”

“So when you say mean stuff, you’re not actually trying to be a jerk?”

“Exactly. It’s just how I communicate.”

“But what about when you do mean stuff?”

“Well, that depends on the situation. Some people would consider some of the pranks I pull to be mean, but they’re rarely meant to be. If I’m being a jerk because of something someone did, then I mean to be mean.”

“So you’re not mean just for the fun of it. It’s usually because somepony else was mean first, right?”

“Yep. Don’t follow my example, though. I’m a terrible role model. Be like Applejack or Fluttershy, they’re both pretty awesome.”

“I dunno, Rainbow Dash is more awesome in general, but Applejack is pretty cool too.”

“Rainbow Dash is a jerk in my book. She might do some cool tricks while she flies, but she’s arrogant and full of herself.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t let Scootaloo hear you say that, she’ll probably be mad. Why do you say that, anyway?”

“Rainbow Dash recently blew a storm over my house which caused some pretty heavy damage. She did it because I was mean to Pinkie Pie for doing something incredibly stupid to me, which I find to be extremely childish.”

Apple Bloom pursed her lips. “I guess I can’t really say nothin’ for Rainbow on that. It sounds like a pretty mean thing to do. What did you do to Pinkie?”

“I called her names, insulted her dignity and appearance, and said I was going to burn some of my furniture because she sat on it.”

“That’s a little overboard, don't you think?”

“Well she stole and scribbled in my journals, which I hold very near and dear to my heart. And she told Applejack a secret that I never wanted anyone to know, and I didn't even tell it to her. To explain, she eavesdropped on a conversation I was having with a friend and told your sister about what she heard, and when they confronted me about it, that lead to Fluttershy overhearing and Fluttershy eventually told our friends at a picnic, which lead to me having a scuffle with Applejack. Essentially, Pinkie Pie sold me out, nearly ruined my friendship with the girls, caused an argument between Fluttershy and I, and a fight between Applejack and I.”

“...What?” Apple Bloom scrunched her face up.

“What are you asking ‘what’ about?”

“You foughtApplejack!?”

“Yeah. She won.”

“If she won, then why was she so sad about it?” She cocked her head.

“If she hasn’t told you, then I won’t.”

“Well why bring it up if ya ain’t gonna explain it?”

“Because I didn’t know she didn’t tell you.” I shrugged. “Nothing personal, Apple Bloom.”

She pouted and I realized that the elder Apple siblings had been watching us for some time, finished with their earlier argument. Macintosh was still frowning at me, but it wasn’t the scowl that he had previously had, and Applejack had a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Whatever they had been talking about, she had most likely won, if her triumphant posture was anything to go by.

“I see you two are gettin’ along just fine. Applejack’s smile widened.

“Sis! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you and Max had a fight!” Apple Bloom blurted out.

“In Applejack’s defense, it’s not something either of us are proud of, and it sets a terrible example for you. One shouldn’t use violence to solve their problems,” I said clearly, “unless circumstances make that option seem unavoidable.” I added under my breath.

Applejack’s grin had faded and Macintosh raised a brow. “Max is right, we shouldn’t have fought, and it wasn’t really somethin’ I wanted to tell you about, just in case it made you think that it was okay.”

“Well if you can do it, why can’t I?” Apple Bloom protested.

“Because Applejack and I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Everyone makes mistakes, but you should be learning that we made the wrong choice.” I replied.

“No, I should have made the right choice. Max didn’t even throw a punch.” Applejack sighed. “It was me makin’ the wrong choice. Max came to see Rainbow, and I just let my anger get the better of me. It really wasn’t much of a fight, just me hittin’ him till he stopped moving.” Applejack clutched her arm and looked at the ground. Shame was engraved into her every feature.

I walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. “And yet we still made it right in the end. Don’t beat yourself up over, AJ, you hit too hard for that nonsense.” Macintosh and I chuckled.

“Eeyup.” He stated elegantly.

Apple Bloom seemed appeased, but she was still curious. “If that’s the case, why were you so torn up about it? You didn’t come out of your room for days!”

Applejack clasped her hands together and looked like she’d rather be anywhere else but in that spot. “I hurt Max pretty bad. He had to go to Canterlot to get patched up.”

Apple Bloom’s eyes widened. “And you just forgave her for that!?”

All eyes were on me now. I shrugged. “Not really. I forgave her because I could see how guilty she felt, and some extenuating circumstances happened while I was away let me see the value in forgiving someone for their deeds.” While they were still alive.

Applejack gave me an odd look. “Then why haven’t you forgiven Pinkie?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why.” I muttered. In a voice Apple Bloom could hear, I responded louder. “Because you only messed up once. Pinkie Pie keeps doing stupid crap that she should know better than to do.”

Applejack glared at me and shot a glance toward Apple Bloom. “Don’t be like Max, sugarcube.”

“Eeyup.” Macintosh put his two shillings in.

“He already said he ain’t a good role model, so don’t worry about that, but now I don’t think you’re a very good pony to look up to either.” Apple Bloom said quietly.

Applejack looked stricken, so I stepped in again.

“You’re wrong there, Bloom. You remember when I said that Applejack was a good person to look up to?” She nodded. “I meant it. She made a mistake, we rectified it. The lessons you should be getting out of this are as follows: Violence solves nothing, if you make something wrong, make it right, and don’t be like me.” I looked to Applejack and Macintosh. “Am I missing anything?”

“Eenope.” Macintosh replied.

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t look up to you. You sound like a pretty smart pony- er, well, whatever you are. I don’t get a bad feelin’ from ya like I do with some ponies.”

Macintosh coughed. “Max ain’t all that bad. I’m a bit biased.”

Applejack nodded, though she still seemed troubled. “I wouldn’t suggest that ya look up to him, but if ya like what ya hear, I guess he ain’t too bad most days.”

“I’d be upset if that weren’t true. I’m telling you, Apple Bloom, I’m not really all that nice, though I’m pretty sure I’ve already explained that to you.”

“You did, but I haven’t seen ya do nothin’ to make ya seem like a bad pony.”

“You haven’t been watchin’ long enough.” Applejack said flatly.

I poked her side and she jolted, glaring at me again. “Maybe you’re right, kid, your sister’s pretty mean herself sometimes.”

Macintosh and Apple Bloom shared a chuckle and a knowing look at that. With everything said that needed to be, I bid the siblings goodnight and headed back to my house, resolving to get back into town tomorrow to hire some contractors to fix my house, and to write Luna to see if she had any jobs for me. I didn’t know how her assassination had gone and hadn’t talked with Celestia or herself since any involvement on my part had been completely and utterly vetoed, and I worried a little before I remembered that she was thousands of years older and far, far more experienced than I could ever be. Celestia wouldn’t have let her go if she thought her sister’s life would be in danger, so I brushed the thought aside and focused on how my visit with the Apple family had gone.

All things considered, I thought it had gone well. Apple Bloom thought I wasn’t a shit head, Macintosh seemed less… angry with me, and Granny Smith had been quite the pleasure to meet. I figured that I now had could count Apple Bloom and Macintosh in when it came to my little get-together, and wondered if I should try talking to Rarity tomorrow to see if my talk with Pinkie had influenced her in my favor once more. I somewhat doubted it, since I hadn’t really forgiven the evil pink one for much, but I did stop calling her Cuntie, so I thought that would be a boon, if nothing else. I wondered if I should bring some flowers along to aid me in my plight, but then I realized that she had shit to apologize for as well. Maybe I’d leave the flowers for another occasion, like when I went to properly apologize to Twilight.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After I woke up the third time that night, I gave up on sleep and tried to catalogue my nightmares, hypothesizing that writing them down instead of keeping them in my head would help me sleep better. I elected to leave them out of my journals for two simple reasons: I didn’t want to remember them, and I didn’t want to think about them later down the line. The damned things had been plaguing me for a while now, ever since the Gryphonia incident, and they were costing me more sleep than ever. The only thing that seemed to stave them off was company in bed. I took to rapping my knuckles on my headrest as a way to be sure of where I was, but even that small comfort had eventually been incorporated into my dreams, leaving me with little else in the ways of possible recourse. It was frustrating to know that, every night, I was trapped inside my own mind until I met another grisly fate that woke me, but I didn’t let it impede me. Much. I’d had night terrors for years now, and a few more weren’t going to stop me from living my own goddamn life, so I pondered what exactly I could do to fix it. I jotted down a note to Celestia, asking if she knew of any dream magic that could purge nightmares, but didn’t get a response. Not surprising since it was three hours before dawn at the least.

I settled in for a long day and started writing another book. I decided on a happier tale, one that mimicked my life in ways, but deviated in others so that the main character wasn’t just stealing random shit for people. Rather than being like me, he would ‘reclaim’ stolen goods from evil ponies, and I even had my first case, modeling it after my first job. Midnight Stroll would be infiltrating the castle of the wicked Doctor Droll, taking back the pendant of a mare named Lilly Pad. Of course, in real life, I had just stolen some jewelry for some greedy old crone, but that doesn’t really seem heroic, now does it?

My new story ate up time with my creative juices flowing torrentially since the actions in the book were somewhat based off of true events, and it only felt like an hour had passed when I looked up and realized that noon had come and gone. I put my scribblings aside for the time being and headed out for the day, stopping by at the local florist to pick up a bouquet of various fresh flowers for Twilight. The woman who ran the shop, a Miss Briar Heart, was quite the character. She casually threw out more swears and slurs than I could count, ruining a few ponies’ days, and I couldn’t help but feel a connection to her. We traded barbed compliments and she slipped a few of her own cross pollinated creations called ‘Briar Roses’ into my gift to thank me for being a likeable prick. I paid her double the amount she’d asked and I was off to see the wizard. Mage. Witch? Whatever Twilight was supposed to be. I don’t even care.

I arrived at my destination and announced my presence, which was probably a mistake because the door went unanswered. I rolled my eyes and went for the approach I knew best: Sneaking in. I stuck the bouquet in my mouth and clambered up the Treebrary’s branches with a practiced ease, knocking on the door to the balcony when I arrived at my slightly altered destination. I waited around for a little bit and I considered getting a pocket watch to track just how long I spent waiting on shit to happen throughout the day, not that I would ever be petty enough to bring it up when said waiting was done. I just like to know these things.

After waiting entirely too long, I let myself in and had a look around. The last time I had been in here while sober, it was during Pinkie’s welcoming party, and it had been darker than my sense of humor. In the daylight, I realized that it was Twilight’s room that I was standing in, so I hurried out of her personal space and into the hallway, nearly running into the woman I had been looking for. She was looking very cute in a pleasant royal purple sundress, and she had put her hair into a ponytail which was very fitting. Twilight stared at me and whisked her head around to the direction of the front door, whipping her hair in my face as she did so. Thankfully, it was quickly removed from my mouth when she turned back to me.

“Max…” She said slowly

“Hullo love,” I spoke quickly, taking a step back, “brought you a present!” Holding the flowers up for her, I grinned.

Twilight didn’t look as amused. “Did you just come in through my balcony?”

I winced. “How much trouble am I in if I say yes?”

“A lot.” She crossed her arms and tapped her hoof on the floor. It was a little odd since she actually had to raise her leg to do so.

“Teleporting accident?” I shrugged, turning the charm up to eleven. “Does it really matter though, love? We’re together, I brought some flowers, you look lovely, I’m undeserving of someone as sweet, intelligent, and forgiving as you, and-”

Twilight blushed slightly, but still ended up rubbing her temples. “Why.”

“Why what, love?”

“Why did you break into my house? Dear Celestia, I swear, it must just be my family or something! First my parents, now me!”

“In fairness, I didn’t break into your parents place, I don’t think.”

“I don’t know about that, because breaking in just to reorganize kinda seems like something you would do at times!” Twilight scowled.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Time to play it cool. “Not really. If I break in, it’s probably for a good reason, and I rather doubt I have a reason to break into your parents place.”

She huffed and and her grimace lightened. “I guess. You’re still in trouble!”

“I really don’t see why. You girls have let yourselves into my house on multiple occasions.” I replied.

Twilight’s nose twitched and her breathing picked up. “That was different.”

“You wanted to see me, I wanted to see you. The only thing that changed was the quantity of visitors and the deeper purpose of the visit.”

“You are so not talking your way out of this one.”

“Can I kiss my way out of this one?”

“No, you can’t.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No you’re not.”

I was running out of ideas. “Will you at least take the flowers? Briar Heart even added some of her own special fusion.” I wiggled my brows.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I doubt it. Briar Heart is one of the meanest ponies in town! There’s no way-” I held up one of Briar Heart’s flowers. “Oh.”

“You forget, I’m the meanest thing in town, love. Briar and I are kindred spirits, and as such, I think you should look past her vulgarity and think of her as female me, but less cute than I’d be.”

Twilight took the flower from my hand and nibbled on it. I had forgotten that ponies ate flowers. “Wow… It’s an honest to goodness Briar Rose.”

“Yup, red, white, and pink petals with chopped off thorns. Briar Rose indeed.”

Twilight pursed her lips and shifted her stance. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to coax one of these from her.”

I pulled two more from the bouquet. “How about six? How hard is that?” I stuck them back in the bundle and handed them off to her.

Twilight’s jaw dropped and I grinned. “Do you get why I was so eager to see you now?”

“Okay, it’s getting pretty hard to be mad at you. How did you manage to get six!?” The of corners her mouth slowly lifted.

“Like I said, kindred spirits. Briar’s a lot like one of my old friends, and she reminds me of myself when I’m in a good mood.”

“You talk like that when you’re in a good mood?”

“I used to. Things change.” I shrugged.

Twilight shook her head and gave me a bright smile. “Well, I’m glad you got it out of your system. Is this your way of apologizing for my vase?”

“Yes, yes it is, but let’s not bring that up right now. I’m just happy I could make you smile.”

“Aww, you’re so sweet when you want to be!” Twilight gave me a peck on the cheek and nibbled on her flower.

“I’m always sweet, it’s just that you have to get past the sour. While we’re on the topic of sweet things, I love your dress, quite fetching.”

“Well thank you! Rarity made it for me so I’d have something to wear to the picnic-” Twilight’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth.

“I’m guessing I wasn’t invited for a reason?”

“Max, it’s not that we don’t want you there, it’s just that… Help me out here?”

I snorted. “Rarity and Rainbow don’t want me there. Don’t worry, Twi, I’m not exactly offended. Wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to show up anywhere Rainbow Dash is anyways.”

Twilight’s mood seemed well and truly doused. “I forgot you were having troubles with Rainbow Dash too…”

“Again, don’t worry. We’ll work it out eventually." I might punch her, but things will work out. "Feel free to share your flowers with the girls.” I gave her a smile and pecked her cheek before letting myself out through the front door.

I can’t say I was terribly upset about not being invited to their little get together, seeing as how I wasn’t on good terms with three out of the six attendees. Hell, I wasn’t even phased that they had kept it a secret. I suppose I could have chosen to be offended, but life was too short to be mad over small things. That was when I stopped being mad at Pinkie Pie. Shit just wasn’t worth it, to be honest. Yes, she had pulled quite the load of rubbish, but in the end, the damage had been repairable and the only thing stopping us from being friends again was my own stubbornness. That didn’t mean I was about to forgive Rainbow for wrecking my house, but it did mean that I could give Pinkie some good news. Maybe my brighter mood was influencing my decisions.

With nothing else to do, I figured that I could go for a walk in the Whitetail Woods, mostly because walking through town would have brought me by Ponyville Park, and that was where I assumed they would be since it was such a pleasant day out. I didn't think any of them spent enough time in my neck of the woods to find my little clearing, so that was my next stop. After I picked up some edibles and got my pocket watch, of course.

I had been travelling in the general direction of my house, but the local jeweller’s shop was in the opposite direction, so I made an about face and kept on keepin’ on. The shop I stopped at was called ‘Blissful Baubles’; a nice little place with a friendly cream colored stallion manning the counter. He started me off with some of the cheaper watches he had in stock, but once I vetoed pretty much all of his designs, he began showing me the more interesting pieces. I decided on a skeletal piece that was well crafted, but rather expensive. I liked how I could see the gears move, and the general design of the piece. It had the motif of a Timber Wolf’s face on the front and an engraving of the rest of the creature on the back, the casing made of a dark, hardy, well crafted steel and the hands of the clock crafted from obsidian. The numbers on the faces were gilded in gold, and the gears inside were made of alternating dark and light steel, which I found to be quite intriguing. Overall, it was a good purchase in my book, though I had the vaguest feeling that Rarity would definitely find it atrocious, despite how much I liked it.

My new trinket only needed to be wound bi-daily and would stop after being wound to a certain point, so I could wind it whenever I felt the need to, which would help me out since I tend to forget about things like that. Once I incorporated it into my daily routine it wouldn’t be such a problem, but getting into the habit of doing it was the hard part anyways, so I made a mental note to wind my watch before I started on my journals.

With my new fancy pantsy doodad tucked away in my pocket, I made my way over to Blossoms and Blooms and had them make me one hell of a hoagie. Of course, there was no meat, but I figured I could go home, scramble some eggs, and make it a sandwich worth eating. Honestly? I was kind of getting tired of eggs and beans to source my protein. The vegetarian diet had never been my thing, and I’d always hated fish ever since my old man made me try pickled herring as a boy, so I was kind of stuck unless I wanted to try hunting something. Without any weapons, experience, or general knowledge of traps or snares, I was stuck, for lack of a better word. I had no hope of finding a trapper or the like around the Ponyville area to teach me, and on top of that, the ponies were fucking herbivores anyway. I thought as I walked and nearly punched myself when I realized that I shouldn’t be looking at the ponies for dietary guidance: I had the Naga!

I went back home, threw my vegan hoagie in my satchel, and started prowling around the Whitetail Woods until I found the broken branches that marked the trail the Naga men had used to bring me back home. It should've been about a two hour walk if I didn’t stop for rest, so I started my journey without further ado.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If my nightmares were anything to go by, then the Everfree wasn’t very far off from being Hell. I spent four fucking hours dodging and running from Manticores, an Orthus, something I thought was a Bunyip, and a Roc that kept swooping down on me when I thought the coast was clear. I don’t even know how I managed to dodge that damned thing after the third time since I was so exhausted from being chased by the Orthus, though I was happy that the Manticore eventually gave up. The two headed dog on the other hand? Persistent. And horny, if the red rocket it was sporting throughout the chase was any indicator.

In my defense, my boosted perception apparently kicks into overdrive when I’m pants-shittingly terrified.

I lost my way rather quickly after pummeling the Orthus to death with a rock (not a Roc) and was bleeding rather profusely from where it had bitten my shoulder while trying to mount me. I did not envy their females if that’s how they show affection. I managed to staunch the flow of blood by shredding strips off of my shirt, but I was still hopelessly lost, and the Everfree was expansive to say the least. I had fucked myself pretty well; I had no survival training, no knives for self defense, and I was rather certain that most creatures of the Everfree could smell blood. Long story short, I was up Shit Creek without a boat, let alone a paddle.

I climbed high into a tree and calmed myself, assessing my situation to the best of my ability. After an hour of deep thought, my conclusion was that I was fucked unless a small miracle happened. Sitting around and thinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided to keep moving. I knew that the Sun was beginning to set now, and from my time in the canopy, I could see that it was definitely not directly above me, so I headed in the general direction that it was going, hoping that it would lead me home.

It didn’t lead me home, but it did lead me to what must have been the largest tree in the Everfree. The tree was a great Evergreen that towered over its surroundings, but it’s branches were too high off of the ground for me to reach easily, and it’s trunk was far too wide for me to shimmy up, so I looked around for anything that could help me scale my arboreal asylum. Vines hung from just about every tree, so with the daylight I had left, I weaved the and tied them off on one end to make something like a weighted rope. It took me quite a while to complete, but If I could get off of the forest floor for the night, it would make the effort well worth it.

Sadly, the lowest branch of the pine was still a good two and a half meters above me, and the rope I’d made just didn’t have enough weight to get over it. I considered tying it to a rock, but it was too thick, and it was a bit rigid. I started working the vine to break up some of the fiber so it would flex, but getting the whole length done would take time I didn’t really have, so settling for a little less than half of the seven or so odd meters, I tried to get the job done as soon as I could. My hands were quickly rubbed raw from the effort, but since I couldn’t find my way to the edge of this damned forest, it was my best bet. I hefted the rope for a couple more tries and after the second, my efforts were rewarded. I wiggle the rope over the relatively smooth bark and brought the other half down, allowing me to tie a messy slipknot. By no means was it either pretty or my best work, but it was the best I could do at the moment and I was confident in my handiwork. I wrung the rope upward and pulled it taut with my full body weight.

I swung for a few moments with my eyes wide open, praying that it would hold. It felt like it would fine, but my hands were alight. I had multiple nicks and scratches of various depth all over my mitts that were making my grip slip. That, and they hurt like hell, but I could ignore the pain, if nothing else then for the fear of being caught napping within easy reach. I wiped them off to the best of ability and tried to used my legs to hold as much of my weight as I could while I made my way up, but I still needed to advance with my hands and my upper body was never really my strong suit. Despite every desire to quit and lay down, I forced myself to continue and eventually got the branch itself. I heaved myself up and took a much needed rest as I slowly worked on untying my rope, which came apart after a few more minutes. Once I was on the tree, the branches were smaller and closer together, often just out of reach. If I planned my route, I could get to the one directly above me within a few minutes. I tied the rope around myself and went for my first jump, wrapping my arms around the branch and hauling myself over before taking another quick break. The next few were a bit easier, with me only having to lean to touch the majority of them. I still had to risk jumping to them, but the further I could go, the safer I’d be.

I scanned the tree for a few seconds, trusting my senses to alert me to any noises or visual oddities that would tell me of possible predators and found nothing that stood out. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the forest, hoping that it wasn’t just my vision that had been altered. I can’t say for sure if it was, but I could distinctly hear more than I had thought possible while focusing my efforts elsewhere, including what sounded like bipedal footsteps somewhere below me. My eyes shot open and I climbed further out onto the branch I was visiting and looked: It was a Goblin of some sort. Short and green with large pointed ears, it appeared to be looking for something. It hefted a small primitive spear that I doubted would do much to any of the larger creatures of the forest unless it was thrown in combination with a dozen others, so I closed my eyes and listened in to see if I could hear any more of them. My patience allowed me to hear at least four others that were in the area, so I carefully inched my way back to the trunk of the tree and sat still. I wasn’t out of range if theydecided to start throwing their stone tipped weapons, so playing it safe was my best bet if I didn’t want to deal with more injuries.

The goblins gathered around the base of the tree and faffed about, picking up clumps of needles and earth, sniffing them and dropping them repeatedly. I hadn’t delved terribly far into their existence when I had the chance, but Twilight’s bestiary did mention them a few times. Their bite was mildly poisonous, and as with most two legged creatures, they held a modest intelligence. They weren’t as smart as kobolds, but they made up for it by being as crafty as a two year old and their opportunistic ways meant that attacking wounded prey was pretty much the way they filled their stomachs. I remembered that they were often seen in the wake of a larger predator, which made me wonder just why they were gathering around my chosen pine. I hadn’t had any trouble since I had reached it, so they must have been late in their arrival, or they were looking for a sugar daddy to pass them along some scraps.

Both of my explanations made me feel a bit better, but the equally viable scenario of them following me by the scent of my blood sent chills down my spine. I had to keep my breathing slow and inaudible, hoping that with time, my new guests would give up and fuck off, but when more arrived, making the current total around twelve, I realized that they were bedding down for the night, meaning that I was essentially stuck unless I could keep quiet while making my last jump. This wasn’t a decision to be made lightly: I could either spend a night on my uncomfortable, yet relatively safe branch that was slightly lower to the ground, or I could go for one nearly three times its size and considerably more secure, but with the added risk of being discovered by my new ‘friends’. I rationalized that I needed as much rest as possible and that the added comfort of the larger branch would help facilitate that, so I went for it harder than I really should have. Instead of jumping just enough to get on the branch like I had been, I tried my hardest and nearly sprung over my target, which actually meant that I expended less energy in reaching it. Hiking a leg over the side, I checked the forest floor and saw that the goblins were stirring about, but apparently hadn’t heard my leap of faith. I breathed a sigh of relief. My gamble had paid off.

My mind was abuzz, trying to lock down all the information I had learned throughout the day. If you crushed one of the heads of an Orthus, half of it would die, Manticores were assholes, and the birds of the Everfree were assholes too, just with better wings. I was homesick already, and there was nothing more I wanted to do than have someone come to my rescue and pull my ass out of the fire, but since no one knew where I had gone, I couldn’t expect a Thunderbirds style team to come after me anytime soon, so I steeled my resolve and planned my course for the next day. I would rise with the Sun and head in the same direction it was travelling, taking me further west toward where I hoped Ponyville lie. Hell, if I could find the river and visit that Steven Magnet fellow, I would be quite happy since he could give me a rough idea of where to go, and I could wash off the grime I had accumulated over the course of my shitty day. With that in mind, I tied myself to my branch and settled in for an arduous night
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I awoke the next morning with a familiar beak in my face, twitching and bouncing as it clicked. I froze in terror as it gazed at me, taking in every minute detail of my body. I had slept upright, and the hawk-like Roc towered over me. It was at least two meters taller than me, and once it flapped its wings a few more times, I was willing to bet that it’s wingspan was more than adequate to allow it to carry me off if the massive raptor so chose. It leaned forward, sticking its neck out a bit to nudge my head with its beak. It hadn’t done so with much force, but I had though that I was about to have my head ripped off, so I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. When the inevitable became less clear, I opened my eyes once more and saw that the bird had back off a bit. The Roc opened its beak and let out a piercing cry.

“WHAT ARE YOU?” I understood its speach, but the volume was damn near ear shattering.

“A-A Human. Only one of my kind. Please don’t eat me.” I shook like a leaf as it stepped forward, its large talons easily gripping the wide branch I had been resting on.

It cried once more. “NASHOBA.”

I winced and covered my ears, blocking out the worst of the sharpness. “I know her well. She’s my companion. Do you know her?”

“I DO. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TAKE YOU TO HER.”

“Sorry, but you look more deadly than she does.”

The Roc preened its feathers for a little while, evidently proud of the compliment I had given it. I began untying my rope from the branch, but remained sitting, lest I be blown off of my perch by the Roc’s gusts.

“So you haven’t been trying to kill me since I’ve been here?” I asked tentatively.

“YOU LOOK TASTY. I CANNOT EAT MY FRIEND’S MASTER.”

“That’s nice to know. Can you turn the volume down a bit?”

It clicked its beak twice and answered with a few chirps instead of its brutal screeching. “I can. I will take you to the Gathering, human.”

“Yeah, that’s better. I would be ever so grateful if we could do that now, friend.”

“I am not your friend. I am your temporary guardian. If you lose favor with Nashoba, I will eat you. You will be tasty.” It stated simply.

I was hesitant to trust the creature after it said that. And before it said that, actually, but knowing that my relationship with Lupa was the only reason I was still alive, I had little choice. Before I had a chance to ask another question, the unnamed Roc grabbed me with one of its claws and took off, breaking the tips of the tree’s branches as it flapped. I was, of course, terrified to no end, and the higher we climbed in the sky, the more I was made aware of the fact that all it would take was one uncoordinated muscle movement for me to end up a meal. A jelly-like, splattered meal. The Roc gripped me tightly, though, and I wasn’t going to be in any danger of falling if it kept its hold on me, so my main worry was dying from the sheer force of the wind, something that I hadn't taken into account. It was a difficult journey, and my fear of heights kept me from opening my eyes during it.

Now, one might wonder how someone with the nickname ‘Gecko’ could be scared of heights, but I considered climbing and flying to be two very different things. At least with climbing, you had a chance of holding on to something before you fell to your death, and that provided a bit of an adrenaline rush. Flying, on the other hand, was fucking awful. I counted myself lucky that I was in the ‘arms’ of something that had been flying for the majority of its life, but I still didn’t like being so high in the air with little to keep me from dying. If humans were meant to fly, we would come with fucking wings, but we weren’t given that little boon, so we are forever blessed with not doing that.

The trip took far longer in my mind than it probably did in life, but either way, I was quite happy to be on the ground again. I didn’t stop to look around when I felt myself drop to the ground, instead, settling for making sure how much planet Equus knew how much I loved its gravity. When I got over my fit of temporary insanity, I looked around and found all manners of creatures looking at me: a few bears of varying types, foxes, wild cats, a few timber wolves, the Roc and a few of its friends, hares, snakes, alligators, large lizards, a single manticore, and a massive pack of shaggy black furred creatures that seemed awfully familiar. My heart leapt when I realized that they were dire wolves, much like Lupa. I looked around and tried to spot her, but the ring around me was closing in and I was far more focused on staying calm, trying not to let my fear overtake me.

I lifted a hand and waved. “Wotcher.”

A bird far larger than the Roc marched its way through the crowd and stood in front of me. I could feel every hair rise, and when the bird shifted its wings, I could see sparks of electricity fly from its feather, making more of the creatures back off. The Thunderbird leered at me for a few minutes before I noticed a bear and a dire wolf make their way toward the front of the ring around me. They appeared on my left and came to stand on either side of me, allowing me time to see them properly before they took up their positions. I recognized the bear as Bearett, but the wolf wasn’t Lupa if her green eyes were anything to go by.

Bearett stood on his hind legs. “Krel greets the Watcher.” He roared. I think animals just like shouting at each other.

The dire wolf followed suit. “Lycas greets the Watcher.” Its voice sounded male.

They both looked towards me and I stood as well. “M-Max greets the Watcher?” I called out in an unsure voice.

The Thunderbird nodded and the dire wolf sat down, though Bearett and I stayed standing.

“THERE IS A TWO-LEG AMONG US.” The Watcher cried, causing its entire audience to cringe away from its sheer volume. “Two-Leg, what have you to say in your defense?”

“Uhh… I was brought here without my consent?”

Mutterings of weakness could be heard, though they were few and far between. Waves of fur shifted and shone through the early morning light, and I wondered just what was going to happen to me.

“Regardless, Two-Legs are not permitted in the Gathering.” The Watcher picked a loose feather from its wing and laid it before me. It was at least a meter long, crackling with static as it fell. Honestly, the thing looked more like an elven sword than a feather.

“Take this and leave. Let it remind you to keep away. You will only be warned once, Two-Leg. Tread here again, and you will be a meal.”

The Roc that had brought me here screeched and I looked in its direction. It was completely silent after that, so I imagined that it had just called dibs on me should that ever be a problem. I was going to do my best to make sure that it wasn’t.

I turned back to the Thunderbird. “You see, I don’t know how to get out of this forest. If you could have someone get me out, I would be very happy to never bother you again.”

“Nashoba has told us much about you, Two-Leg. She says you are trustworthy, that you have done the forest a favor in slaying a cell of the Kobolds.” It puffed its chest out. “I say you have attacked the forest and its inhabitants.”

“Isn’t murder common in this forest? Most of the inhabitants will attack you if you come across them in just about any way, so you can’t say this a peaceful pace, Watcher; life here is dangerous. Hell, I stayed on a path, something that was supposed to grant me safe travels, and was driven through the forest! You can’t say that the Everfree is anything but dangerous!”

The Watcher clicked its beak. “The Everfree is only dangerous to non-inhabitants-” Half of the animals present snorted some dissent. “...Well, perhaps you have a point. In any case, you will not die here, so take your life and go home, Max.”

“Yes, happily, I just need to know where to go and I’ll be out of your feathers, mate. Point me in the right direction.”

“...You seriously don’t know how to leave the forest? Even fledglings know the way back home, Max.”

“I just so happen to be from the exact opposite of a forest, so forgive me if my navigational skills relate more to human settlements more so than this hell hole. Wasn’t born in the forest, never spent much time in one, and the Everfree is not the place you want to learn unless you have little choice.”

The Watcher ruffled his feathers. “I don’t care about your petty Two-Leg problems. If you choose to tread in the Everfree, you should be aware of the consequences.”

“Actually, don’t you have two legs too? I mean, two wings, two legs; Don’t you count as a Two-Leg?”

The Watcher flapped its wings and bowled me over with the gust it created. “Insolence! Krel, take the human and go. Return once you have dropped it off somewhere that isn’t here. This Gathering will convene upon your arrival.” The Watcher turned around and awkwardly waddled back to his previous place in the group. The bear I knew as Bearett lumbered over and huffed at me, picking a direction seemingly at random and walking off. With him acting as my guide and all, I followed ‘Krel’ closely, away from the oppressive animal smells.

I tried talking to Bearett as we walked, but he would have none of my questions, so after a while I gave up and tried to avoid any droppings, which were made more frequently than one might think. After a few too many close calls, I started walking by his side, and the thought that he was doing it on purpose had crossed my mind a few times. Fucking animals. With no real idea where we were going, it became one of the longest walks of my life. I was so eager to get home and out of this shit hole that there wasn’t much I was willing to put up with, so every root and branch in my way was dutifully dodged or broken in turn. We trekked on for what felt like ages, even though I knew only an hour and a half had passed, which made me grateful for my pocket watch. Small comforts really do go along way when one finds themselves in a murder forest, or a like situation.

Through the damp heat of the day, I started feeling terrible. Since I had left my satchel behind during my encounter with the Orthus, and hadn’t brought any water with me, I was parched and hungry without a break in the foreseeable future. When Bearett eventually either got tired of walking along or just wanted a drink, but either way, when he brought us to a river, I was extremely thankful, even though I was sure he had held out for as long as he could to punish me for something or other. I drank water by the handful, trusting whatever lie beneath the surface to bite my fucking face off if I gave it the chance. Bearett finished up with a fish between his jaws and tore it apart before we got a move on. Seeing him make short work of that fish made me wish that I had saved my hoagie, but what is lost is lost. Perhaps I would make another when I got back to town.

The thing is, Bearett didn’t take me back to town. It was about five in the afternoon when he finally stopped, turning around to face me.

“Do you know where we are?” He grunted loudly.

I looked around, seeing that pieces of stone were littered about the forest floor. They all appeared to be well worn, but from their general uniformity, I could tell that they weren’t naturally occurring, leading me to believe that we were near a ruins of some sort.

“My best guess is some kind of ancient Pony settlement, long forgotten. Probably here from a time before the Everfree became like it is.”

Bearett grunted. “You’re right. The Watcher was here for its erection, and here for its fall. This is where we part ways.”

“Hold up, how do I get back to Ponyville from here? I mean, I’ve never even heard of ruins in this forest! Can you at least send someone along to help me out of here?” I protested.

“I am your help. The Everfree protects those who protect themselves, so I suggest you begin your journey from here, where the forest doesn’t watch.”

“Look, mate, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you getting me here safely, it’s just that I’m still fucking lost. I can tell you right now that I should be dead-”

“And yet, you are not. Even the weakest creature has hidden strengths, and you should take care to learn what your own are. One more thing,” Bearett turned to leave,” Do not make the Broodmother sad, Two-Leg, I will find you if you do.”

“Who’s the Broodmother? Seriously, all this coded bullshit is getting old.”

“The Broodmother is your mate, fool. One of them, at least. The Brood Mother is a friend to the Kendani and the Zgon, whether she is aware of it or not, and is under protection from much of the Gatherers, so I suggest that you tread lightly with her.”

“Can you answer a few more questions before you go?” I asked, following his steps.

Bearett stopped and looked at me. “I suppose. Ask your questions.”

“Alright, so what are the Kendani and Zgon, and are you telling me that Fluttershy is basically a dryad or something? Why is she being guarded by so many animals?”

He snorted and swiped at a bug that had settled on his nose. “The Kendani are the dumb animals, and the Zgon are those like myself and Lupa. The Kendani make up the weight of the balance, and the Zgon are the watchful, the ones who make sure the scales do not tip.”

“Okay, I think I can understand that. Why are there two separate groups? And why is Fluttershy so important?”

“There have always been a separation, though even the eldest creatures do not agree on an answer. Some say that the first tortoise and owl together formed the Zgon, teaching their ways to those who could grasp them, allowing those that could not to continue as their instincts tell them. Some would argue that the Kendani have simply always been, and that the Zgon rose from their ranks due to druidic magic. The most popular story is that the Dryads that once roamed the planet freely gave gifts to Kendani that assisted them by spreading their seeds and fruits, helping them birth new Dryads. None of those I have spoken with have ever known the full truth, but I believe that it is by a combination of these three stories that we will find our answer.”

“...So you don’t really know. Gotcha. What about Fluttershy?”

“The Broodmother is caretaker to all those who would seek her out. She has nursed many of the Gatherings’ members in their time of need and will be protected for her kindness.”

“Have you spoken with Fluttershy yet? Does she know how much she means to you guys at all?”

“The Broodmother lacks your gift to speak with us, or I would have told her.”

“Actually, long story short, Fluttershy can freely communicate with you due to some luck on my part. Well, I would call it unlucky since I died as a result, but she can understand you as well as I can now.”

He scratched at one of his ears. “...I was not aware of this. Perhaps I will leave this Gathering early.”

“Yeah, if you do, take me with you please.”

Bearett tossed his head and lumbered off without saying anything else. Unfortunately, I was still stuck without knowledge of a way home, but at least I could do some exploring and hopefully find some food. I was confident that I could find the river that Bearett had shown me, but without food, I was going to eventually keel over and that just wouldn’t do, so I set watched until I couldn’t see Bearett past the thick foliage and set out to find some stuff out about my temporary home.

Now, I’ve never seen true ruins in person. Never been to Rome, haven’t seen any of the ancient Chinese architecture, didn’t think to save up and visit India, but seeing the dilapidated castle that sprawled across the Everfree’s land filled me with more awe than seeing pictures of it ever could. From the crumbling stone towers to the worn out drawbridge that was now residing over a disgusting moat, I carefully examined every inch of the place from the outside, walking around it to mark it in my mental map. I often brushed my hands along the walls, just to feel the years that had taken their toll on this once magnificent structure. I had never been one much for history, but even in my beat down, scraped up state, I couldn’t help but want to delve into this castle’s story, to learn as much as I could about it. The wounds on my hands had closed up during my walk, so I scaled one of the half-rubble walls and let myself inside after finding nothing of interest on the outside besides more crumbling ruins.

The inside was dustier than your mother’s nether regions; obviously it hadn’t seen any traffic in centuries. I took the time to look around and saw a few tapestries depicting Celestia and Luna, though they didn’t sport the same hair color that they did now. Instead of Celestia’s pastel rainbow, it was more of a muted pastel pink, and Luna’s was a light blue, a pleasant periwinkle. I wondered what had made them change it up, but didn’t dwell on it very long, opting to see what else I could find. The roof had been left mostly intact, a characteristic of good masonry, and the floors were smooth where the roof covered them. In the open air, some of the marble flooring had been eroded away by rain, and there were little divots where you could see that the water flowed. Without any other sort of plan, I followed the trails downward to the castle’s original entrance where the heavy wooden doors were still intact somehow. They were covered in moss and splintered in places, but otherwise had held up well through the years, though I saw that the rusty hinges they resided on were a strong wind away from giving. The lobby itself was pretty well off with only one fallen wall giving it over to the elements, but what really interested me were the suits of armor that seemed to be in fantastic condition considering their apparent age and where they were. I examined one that held a large zweihander and saw that the blade was also in fine condition, though upon closer inspection, I could see pinpricks of rust near the handle. I switched subjects and went back to the plate armor, seeing that the joints were also rusted, though the plates themselves seemed to be fine from what I could see.

My heart leapt when I realized that I could probably pick up a weapon here, which would make my life considerably easier. I cracked open the visor on the plate armor and sniffed it, seeing if there were any odd smells that might warn me of possible insect residents. I didn’t smell any sort of rot or the like, so I pushed it over, forsaking my previous withholdings in favor of finding something I could use to defend myself. With a loud clash of steel against stone, the armor’s weakened joints broke apart and revealed absolutely nothing. I had been hoping that there would be some manner of hidden thing inside, but I was still feeling good about finding something usable here.

I decided that following the water would only lead me to more things that were most likely too rusted to be useful, so I headed back up toward what I assumed was the court hall and had a look around there. I noticed that there were more suits of armor in the shadows that I hadn’t seen, but all of them held large weapons that I couldn’t use, so I kept looking elsewhere. Up seemed to be my best bet, so I climbed a flight of stairs and headed to the room with the biggest doors that I could find. My efforts were rewarded with the throne room. It was smaller than the one in Canterlot and the thrones were shorter than that of Celestia and Luna’s current ones, but I was willing to bet that the solar slash lunar stylings were once theirs. I knew that the ruling sisters were old and had probably moved the Capital once or twice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what made them ditch such a pleasant place for the side of a fucking mountain.

I approached both thrones and studied them in depth. I saw the petrified remnants of wooden arms and supports, but the seats were primarily made of stone and looked as if they were perfectly sculpted to each of the sister’s bodies so that their thrones could never be comfortable taken by another. Me being me, I tried having a seat in Celestia’s throne and found that the wing-wells that had been carved into the stone made for a more comfortable seating experience, though due to Celestia’s Amazonian height, I couldn’t quite get comfortable, so I tried Luna’s, which I found to be much more accommodating for someone my size, though the divot in her seat was a bit more shallow than Celestia’s had been. I had forgotten to take into account the amount of arse each of them had, and when I started trying to piece together what their general body types had been like, I came to the conclusion that Celestia had once been even curvier than she was now, and that Luna had pretty much stayed the same. I briefly wondered how big Sunbutt’s bum had been if there was such a large difference in their seating arrangements but cast the thought aside with a small chuckle.

After having a look around, I found a small sword and a buckler behind Luna’s seat. The sword had evidently been well oiled before it was left behind of the small amounts of translucent residue were anything to go by. It was free from rust, though the cloth wrapping on the handle could use some redoing, although it seemed usable as it was. The wood that encased the tang was well preserved by whatever epoxy had been applied to it, so I now had something to stick into whatever was going to try to kill me and a nice little shield that would hopefully do me some good if I ever needed it. I had thought the buckler to be made of wood, but when I gave it a thorough once over, I saw that it was more like a large discus with riveted straps and a handle. I couldn’t identify the metal offhand, and since my light was fading quickly, I just picked it up and went along with finding somewhere to sleep for the night.

As I checked from room to room, I tested any cloth I came across to see If I could use it to repair my new sword and shield, but much of what I found was too rotten or moth bitten to use as anything other than kindling, so I took my samples and dropped them off in the throne room in case I came across any flint later on. As it was, I was looking at a cold though safe night, and I was extremely grateful for that comfort. I continued exploring until I found myself in one of the towers that was adorned in Celestia’s Cutie mark. I hoped that her former private chambers were in here somewhere, and my hopes were correct, if the wrought iron, four post canopy bed was anything to go by. A flight of fancy struck me and I searched through the the ramshackle wardrobe and some of the chests to see if I could find anything. Oddly enough, I found some interesting livery that had maintained throughout centuries of abandonment. The dull undergarments were made of silk which had allowed them to survive, but I was more focused on repurposing them into a wrap for my sword more so than any nefarious purposes.

Most helpful panty raid ever.

I used the swords still sharp edge to cut the pieces into one long strip and coiled it around the handle, tying the excess off around the pommel. It took me a few tries, but I eventually managed to wrap it in a way that was both comfortable and functional, leaving me with nothing else to do but sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Morning light broke in through the shattered windows, but I had already been awake for the better part of an hour. With the nightmares and odd noises of the Everfree preventing any sort of restful sleep, I was determined to get the hell out of this forsaken forest as soon as possible. I had slept on the ruined mattress that was left of Celestia’s old bed which kept me off of the cold, hard stone floor, so I was better off than I could have been, but the bed was still dusty as hell and left me scratching like I had just laid in a bed of fleas. I could have, for all I know, but I preferred to blame the dust. With my sword and shield repaired and ready, I continued exploring the castle in the dawns light and made my way down to the kitchens. I wasn’t expecting to find anything to eat or drink, but I did find a few bottles of wine that were left intact and a piece of flint and steel that had been left behind. I had a way to make fire and a way to get hammered, so I considered it a net positive. I searched around some more and found a few empty bottles that weren’t broken. I could use them to gather and boil water, so my day was already starting to look up. When I got all of my supplies put in the throne room, I headed out into the courtyard to see what was going on in that part of the castle. As is the case with most ruins, there was nothing of note. With my belly growling loudly, it was time to see if I could kill something worth eating.

It took me a few hours, but I managed to find and kill a really big chicken. I say chicken, but I mean Cockatrice. I had found it pecking at the corpse of some poor goblin and snuck up on it, trying to get as close as possible so my lunge would allow me to kill it in one blow. I had had no idea if the things were even edible seeing as how the lizard- like tail and stature of the thing stated otherwise. That, and their petrifying stare would normally be enough to ward me off, but today, I was as hungry as I’d ever been, and I was certain that my elevated healing had something to do with it. If I could shrug off being poisoned once, I was sure that I could do it again. I soundlessly made my way towards the cockatrices back, carefully avoiding deadfall or anything else that might give me away. Luckily, the moist ground helped absorb my missteps and my experience helped me stay out of its line of sight. Once I was about two meters away, I sprung, charging the oversized drumstick, chopping it's head off in one fell swoop. I looked around for a few minutes and saw nothing that would come for my kill, so I began the tedious task of dragging the bird back to my lair.

With no experience in hunting, cleaning, or cooking an animal I’d killed myself, I tried to emulate Bear Grylls and Les Stroud to the best of my abilities, plucking as many of the feathers as I could from the Cockatrice’s legs. Utilizing some dryish branches and my pile of kindling, I headed down to the castle's kitchen and started a fire in one of the ovens, constantly feeding it more fuel to keep the fire hot. I wondered if I should just chuck my massive drumsticks in while the fire was going, but decided to wait until they died down a bit and shoved them in while the coals were glowing. I left them in the oven for forty five minutes and hoped that they’d had enough time to cook. With a mitt made of more undergarments, I pulled them out and set them on the island in the middle of the kitchen to let them rest before digging in. My stomach roared for me to tear into my precious meat before some unfortunate event took them from me, but if I could wait two days for a meal, another few minutes wouldn’t kill me. Well, in the Everfree it might, but that’s not the important bit.

Once my food had cooled off, I tucked in. I had overcooked the outside, and the ash on the flesh dissuaded me from eating it, but the meat closer to the bone was done to near perfection; perfect for a starving omnivore. I swear, I had never tasted anything better in my entire life, so much so that I ended up eating much of the ashen meat anyway. I heaved the other drumstick back into the oven after cutting it into strips, hoping to make some sort of jerky out of it so I would have something to eat when I prepared to leave the forest come jungle. I had filled my bottles while I was out hunting, so after chasing down the Cockatrice meat, I was ready to start looking for a way out of the Everfree.

I took a heavy battle axe with me to help mark my path as I dived back into the wild forest, cleaving branches from trees every so often, leaving markers to get me back to the castle if I couldn’t find my way out. I had chosen to follow the Sun once more, but after hours of trying to find an exit, night was beginning to fall, and I needed to get back to safety.

Days passed in much the same fashion. I would leave early in the morning with some food and water packed, and I would pick a direction to follow and hope that today would be the day, using some blood I collected from my kills to mark the days on the island in the kitchen. Eight had passed since I originally went into the Everfree, blending together into what felt like one, and my hope faded with each passing day until I crashed. I spent the ninth day doing nothing, wallowing in despair and feeling sorry for myself, but on the tenth, I had caught my twelfth wind and got back to trying to get the hell out of this shitty place. The castle had held many secrets like trap doors and other traps, but with a little attention, I found that I could pick any unsprung ones out with a rather impressive success rate.

My senses became more attuned the longer I spent in the Everfree, and I felt more comfortable as time passed. What had once felt like an evil forest now felt somewhat similar to a second home. A home wrought with traps, poisonous things, and deadly creatures, but it made a modicum of sense to me now. I could see patterns in the way predators moved, often chasing prey on a kind of cycle. Some days I would see Manticores and Orthus’ hunting long legged, deer like creatures, and others, I would see Cockatrices hunting Goblins or other smaller game. The trees that bore fruit were off limits since I didn’t know what I could eat, but I spent one of my days staking various plants out, seeing what came along for a meal. Often, Fruit bearing trees were left alone, but there was one tree that appeared to have coconuts that were popular among the herbivores. I used those trees as hunting ground and hid in nearby ones with dense foliage. The palm-esque trees held no branches for me to hide in, but they were magnets for edible creatures, so when I killed one of the deer-like creatures, I took the fruit it had been trying to crack and went home.

That night, I was violently sick, which I attributed to the fruit. I lost much in the way of water and nutrition when that happened, so the next day, I tore into my venison like I was starving all over again. Day sixteen came and went, and I still had no clue how to get out of the Everfree. My hopes of getting out were replaced with a drive to survive, though with a steady source of food and water, I had little else to do during the days, so I took up meditating in the courtyard. The castle had remained unaccosted since I had been there, so my sanctuary was the perfect place to rest and collect myself when I felt I was at wits end. Through my meditation, I remembered a lot of things that I would have preferred to let rest in the pits of my mind, and those memories made me even jumpier, despite them being from a different world and dimension. My thoughts of home made me miss England, and my thoughts of Hell made me doubt my sanity. Not that it mattered much when you find yourself in a dangerous forest surrounded by things that think you look like a fresh Snausage, but it still worried me nonetheless.

Day Twenty brought a revelation during my hours of meditation: I could actually use telekinesis. I had pretty much forgotten about it, which was most likely due to not needing it, but I learned that I could actually use the skill once I had a breakthrough on why I was so willing to give trust now. The breakthrough dealt with my desire to find something good in the world and my subconscious desire to be trusted in turn, which made me wonder just why I was as pessimistic as I am. I shoved that aside when I opened my eyes and saw that various pieces of rocks were levitating in the air around me, each of them dropping when I lost concentration. I blinked my surprise and tried to lift one actively, feeling something like an extra hand extend from my mind. It was like I had suddenly grown an impalpable tentacle that would do my bidding as long as I focused; barely visible and effervescent. I allowed the pale blue, translucent appendage drift across the stone in the courtyard and immediately started testing my limits.

It turned out that they weren’t terribly high. I could use my telekinesis to a distance of five to six meters, but the further I went with it, the less I could lift, which I learned through transporting a rock. The psychic appendage could carry a five kilogram rock to about four meters with no problem, but if I used it in close range, I could lift rocks that I could barely get off the ground, given that I was willing to deal with the mental strain that ensued. Using my telekinesis gave me headaches to varying degrees that ranged from mild annoyances to blinding agony, but after three days of faffing about with it, my limits expanded a bit and the headaches were less frequent and far less severe. At day twenty four, I could stretch my telekinesis to about nine meters and carry the same five or so odd kilogram stone to the same distance. The more I practiced, the better I got until I came to a plateau, which frustrated me to no end. I could heft a heavy stone to about ten meters, but I still couldn’t lift anything particularly large.

With no scale or anything of the sort to help me judge weight, I tried to gauge just how much I could lift and found that I could get a boulder about my height off the ground if I was standing next to it. Sadly, my physical strength was no match, and when I tried lifting something larger, I immediately blacked out. I’m not proud to say that I fainted multiple times before giving up, despite having recognized the cause. I let my failure lie and spent the rest of the day trying to utilize more tendrils instead of just using one. I found that using more than two severely limited what I could do, so I stuck with that and tried to see if I could break past the cap that was forestalling any more progress. In short, it didn’t help me out much, though I was definitely fine tuning my control. Before, I could only point the appendage in the general direction I wanted it to go, but now. I could steer it rather well, able to pick up a discolored stone from a pile of others without much of an issue. I could also perform actions other than grabbing things now, and during one of my morning hunting expeditions, I used it to slap the fuck out of a Cockatrice that wandered too close to my territory.

I had been about five meters away from it, and the Cockatrice had spotted me. Through the thick underbrush of the forest, I peered through leaves and thin branches to get a good look at the creature. I sent out my tendril, reared it back, and brought it home with as much force as I could muster, whipping its neck in a very unnatural way. I didn’t need the meat at this point, but it was becoming a routine to walk around the castle and pee on trees to mark them with my scent, and since the bird-lizard thing had been unlucky enough to cross my border, it was dealt with as any other being of the Everfree would.

The little scuffle with the Cockatrice had lifted my spirits considerably, and had given me something new to try with my powers. Slapping rocks didn’t do much other than give me headaches, so I switched to trees. I could put a pretty good dent in your average one, but when I tried manipulating my tendril to take another from, the real fun started. If I flattened it out, it made a pretty effective blade, and with a bit of effort, I could cut about fifteen centimeters into living wood. If I sharpened it into a lance like point, I could drill about six centimeters into a tree, and if I formed a ball, the whipping action I used was devastating. All of these actions depended on how far away I was, but I trained them to the point where I could break off a thick branch from about ten meters away. I was quite happy with my progress.

Day thirty came, and I was accustomed to life in the Everfree. Most creatures gave me a wide bearing since I had learned to effectively use my telekinesis. I still needed to stand still while I used it, for the most part, but I was beginning to grasp moving while using it without losing my concentration, though going any faster than a gentle stroll ruined my focus. In any case, I was now a force to be reckoned with, and most of the Manticores that I came across were well aware of that fact now. I stopped going hunting once I’d learned how to smoke meat without burning it to a crisp and focused on building a raft that I could use to travel on the river. My high protein diet had given me some decent gains and my occasional purging with the coconut like fruit kept me lean and mean, so hefting logs and the like to the clearing near the riverbank was less of an issue than it would have been prior to my stint in the Everfree. With my telekinesis and newfound physical strength playing a large part, I finished my raft in two days.

On day thirty three, I brought food, water, the wine I had found, and a few weapons to my raft. With more hope than I'd felt in a while,
I hoped to head home.

Chapter Twenty: Is It Me You're Looking For?

Author's Notes:

Hey look, I made words!

Rate and Review, leave a thumb and a comment, or do whatever it is that lets you tell me what you think of the story so far.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Edit: Fixed the usual shit. Same old diction and syntax corrections.

I sailed down the Everfree at noon, the time where the forest was at its calmest. During the dawn hours, the nocturnal and diurnal predators were switching shifts, so I hoped that I would be able to avoid them for a while. My time in the Everfree had taught me much about it, and I had honed my skills to a fine edge so I was confident that if I were to be bothered, I could handle whatever came at me. Sailing went smoothly for about half an hour as I allowed the current to carry me out of the forest, but a few wobbles warned me that something big was coming. I unsheathed the short sword that I had taken from the ruins of the castle and stood on my raft, waiting for whatever was coming to make itself known.

The water parted a little ways ahead of me and up rose a familiar purple scaled beast.

“Why hello there! What brings you to my river?” Steven Magnet asked cheerfully.

“Hull-” I coughed hard, my voice dry and raspy after not being used in a while. “Hullo. We’ve met before, Magnet.”

The serpent coiled closer and looked at me closely, curling his mismatched mustache. “Why, I don’t believe so. I think I would remember- Oh! Yes, I remember you!” He grinned. “My favorite little ape, come to visit me again!”

“Actually, I’ve just spent a month in the Everfree, so if you’d like to point me in the general direction of Ponyville so I can sleep in a real bed, that would be lovely.”

“Oh, don’t say that! Don’t you want to stay and chat for a while?” He batted his eyelashes at me.

“As long as we do so above the water, I have no problem with that. I delivered that crown to Rarity, by the way.”

“I know, she came by shortly after to thank me. Thank you for that, by the way. It’s not often I get a chance to head into Ponyville. Well, I never get a chance, but you know how that is.”

“I really don’t. Why don’t you tell me about it on the way there?”

“Well, if you’re heading to Ponyville, you really should be going the other direction.” He pointed behind me.

“Shit. Just my luck. Would you mind helping me out? A favor for a favor?”

“Of course! Now, you simply must tell me how Rarity is doing.”

I told him of how she and her friends were before my departure and Magnet seemed to eat up every ounce of gossip I could remember, though there wasn’t much. I’d never been much of a gossiper unless it pertained to a job I had to do, so I just told him about the last few things I had done while in Ponyville, who I had to apologize to, and who still needed to apologize to me, not that I cared any more. Spending a couple fortnights away from your friends and lovers really puts things into perspective, like the value of spending time with them and the true worth of getting some.

Steven Magnet towed me along and told me some of his own uninteresting gossip, but he panicked when he quickly ran out. I assured the fellow that there was no need to be embarrassed since there wasn’t much of a social scene in the forest unless you were one of the animals in the Gathering. Speaking of, I found it to be quite odd that I hadn’t come across any of them during my stay in the Everfree, and that besides the odd whispers at night, nothing seemed to be happening there at all. The castle had turned out to be the perfect place to lay low for a while if you were looking to drop off the map. I wondered what would happen to it while I was gone, but with no real desire to return, I would lose no sleep over leaving my temporary home, though I was curious as to just how long it had been there. I was by no means an expert on such matters, and Magnet couldn’t tell me about any other such structure in the Everfree, though he did know about the castle.

I relished the conversation and did my best not to let it lull too long, but my time away from home had gotten me used to saying nothing for days on end, so practicing social niceties were a bit beyond me in my current state. It would be no small wonder if any of the Ponies even recognized me since I had left. My hair had grown longer, needing to be held back out of my face, and I had grown a pretty decent beard that I decided that I was probably just going to shape up rather than shave completely off. My clothes were in tatters from the harsh flora of the Everfree, and even though I bathed bi-daily in the river, I doubted that I smelled terribly pleasant. Steven Magnet was kind enough to only politely inquire about my state, but when I reminded him that I’d been away from civilization for some time, he asked why I hadn’t just hopped in the river and come looking for him. Honestly, I had no desire to see him again, but I didn’t tell the poor fellow that, so I instead went with a viable excuse: If the Everfree was dangerous, why wouldn’t its waters be the same? Steven assured me that he was the biggest thing in the river, but he did have to admit that there were far meaner creatures under the water.

Silence was unallowed. I spoke as many of my observations of the Everfree as I could think of and tried to ask Magnet of his thoughts, but our experiences were too different for either of us to agree to much, although it did keep the conversation going as he towed me further along the river. I wondered if I had anything that might be nice for Magnet to have, so I offered him one of my battle axes and one of my four bottles of wine, both of which he gladly accepted. He put the battle axe on the river bed and immediately drank the wine, though his reaction told me that it probably wasn’t the best idea to keep the rest of my stores. After one comparatively tiny bottle, I had gotten a river serpent rather intoxicated, and Magnet started weaving through the river rather than the relatively straight line he had been maintaining. We still reached the edge of the forest with a bit of time, but Steven lay his head on the bank just as we broke the tree line to rest a bit. Swimming against the current for three hours had taken a lot out of him, and he told me that the wine had upset his stomach quite a bit, an event that I quickly apologized for.

I stayed with him until the worst of his ailment passed and bid him good day before I started back home. I was on the south side of Ponyville, not too far off from Fluttershy’s cabin, but I wanted to get back to my house more than I wanted to see anyone right now, so I set off toward my preferred destination. Walking over flat terrain made me feel strange, and my high stepping gait had to be managed back into something that didn’t account for roots and branches in one's path. The Everfree had changed me in ways that I wasn’t yet aware of, like how I walked and my posture, though rectifying those issues was just a matter of paying attention. I straightened my back and lowered my steps, carrying on normally.

I arrived at my house to find that it had been taken care of while I was gone. After a brief yet thorough examination, I found that all the broken windows had been repaired along with the siding, and that the porch furniture I had bought was still in its rightful place, so with those former problems taken care of, I tried walking in through front door, only to find that it was locked. That may have been something of my own doing, but I couldn’t really remember, so I grabbed the key that I left under a rock nearby and finally entered my home after thirty four days. I stood on the stoop for a moment before entering, taking in the smells of my home, doing my best to commit the moment to memory. It was unnecessary, but I wanted to know what my real home felt like, just in case something along the lines of what I’d just been through happened again. My house smelled faintly of sandalwood, even though I had switched scents to a more masculine cologne some time ago, and I could catch whiffs of cake, vanilla, apples, and grapes on the air from time to time depending on where I stood. Fluttershy, Celestia, Twilight and Applejack had all been in my house at some point, though I couldn’t figure out when for the life of me, so I didn’t think too hard about it and went to grab my journals, winding my watch before I got started. It struck me that I had left my food and other goods lying outside, so before I got started, I went and grabbed them, placing my food, water, and alcohol in the kitchen, and my weaponry on the couch. It also felt like a good time to change clothes and perform other hygiene rituals, at least, after I got the itchy growth on my cheeks tamed.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The sun was setting by the time I got what I could remember put own on paper. During my time in the Everfree I had taken it upon myself to recite what had happened during my first few days orally and to commit the interesting bits to memory whenever I was meditating so that I would have something to write about when I got home. I had forgotten some of the finer details in my conversation with the Watcher, but I was confident that I had relayed the most important parts of my meeting, so I couldn’t be too upset with myself. It had been a month, after all. Once I finished up with my writing, I sent Celestia a note with two words written on it, ‘I’m Alive’. I was hoping for a quick response, but since I hadn’t signed the note, I didn’t believe she knew just who was telling her about their state of living, so I sent another note ten minutes later, and I swear the Dragon Fire jar flashed at me for not waiting for a response. A minute and twenty seven seconds later, Celestia teleported straight into my house and whipped her head about wildly, looking for any sign of me. She had teleported with her back to me, so I used my psychic wizard shit to tap her shoulder which made her spin around.

I lifted a hand. “Wotcher, hun. How’ve you been?”

Celestia ripped me out of my chair with her magic and tried her damnedest to crush me as she wrapped her arms around me. She was quiet as she squeezed my breath out of my lungs, but I was trying my best to return her enthusiasm with a hug of my own. Seeing her had meant much to me, a sign that I wasn’t tripping balls off of some fruit in the Everfree and was truly back home, safe and sound. When Celestia finally released me from her grip, I held on, almost as if I were trying to absorb her through osmosis. In a manner of speaking, if you considered smelling absorbing, I was doing just that.

“Good lord, did I ever miss you, Celestia.” I murmured through her mane.

“Where have you been!?” She asked from my shoulder. I let her go, but took her hands to keep her from getting too far away.

“Got lost in the Everfree for a month or so.” I shrugged. “Fuck that place.”

Celestia lowered her head and looked at me. “...Are you sure you don’t have anything else to say?”

“Haven’t really talked much since I’ve been away, though I did speak with the river serpent that brought me back. That was an awkward conversation.”

She shook her head and gave me a pleading look. “Are you serious!? You’ve been gone, presumed dead again, and all you have to say is that you ‘got lost’!?”

“What else do you want me to say? I’ll tell you of what happened while I was there, if that’s what you’re asking. I’d rather just shut up and have a nap in my own bed with my favorite person, but I can make a few sacrifices.” I brushed my thumb along her cheek. “You will never know how much I missed you.”

Celestia took my hand and held it to her face. “I understand better than you might think. Tell me, what happened?”

And so I spilled the beans. I started with my attempt to find the Naga, the chase through the forest, and my time at the Gathering and ended with an abridged version of how I spent my days in the forest. Celestia gasped when I told her that I had taken up residence in her old home and told me that the pace was haunted to Hell and back, though not in those exact words. I assured her that all was fine, though that did explain the time I found a suit of armor standing outside my door one night. I thought it was creepy, but just blamed Everfree bullshit and went back to bed. When I showed her the weapons, she cast spells on them to check and see whether or not they themselves were haunted, but her search turned up with nothing, and when I showed her the sword and shield that were behind Luna’s throne, her face told me that she wasn’t happy to see the items. She told me that they were the weapons that Luna had once bore against her during her power grab, and that seeing them once more brought up bad memories, though she would take them back to her sister to see if she still wanted them. I felt a little attached to the sword since it had slain my dinner a few times, but relented since it wasn’t truly mine, even though I had used it more than Luna was ever going to in the future. Fucking bitch, stealing her shit back.

“So, I’ve actually been in town for a few hours now.” I idly commented after Celestia told me she was taking my shit.

“...And you waited this long to tell me?” She massaged her temples. “Just how many ponies did you tell before you told me?”

“None. You were the first one I wanted to see after I got cleaned up a bit. I still have my clothes from my time in the Everfree, though they’re out back. When I got through with my shower, I could actually smell what was on them so they will not be staying inside until I can get a load for the washer.” I scratched at my wonderful beard. “I suppose I could just burn them, tough. Not like I’ll ever wear half a shirt and ruined pants.”

“Max, you’ve been back for nearly a day and you haven’t told any of your friends that you’re still alive? Do you, no, can you even comprehend how selfish that is?”

I gave her a sharp look and she winced. “I’ve been stuck in a murder forest for a month. Forgive me for wanting to make myself presentable.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Celestia avoided my gaze.

“It’s fine.” I patted her leg with my translucent tentacle from a few meters away and she jumped.

“What the hay was that!?” She scrambled and tried to rub off whatever was on her.

I gave her a puzzled smile. “As much as I love watching you dance around, I think you might be even jumpier than me.”

“No, something just touched me! I think you might be haunted, Max.” Celestia seemed worried.

“Maybe it’s just in your head? I haven’t noticed anything.” I waved the tentacle in her face and she blinked a few times.

“I swear I see something. Like heat waves in the air.” She bit her lip and squinted.

I grinned and patted her bottom with my tendril, causing her to jump again. “I’m going to get so much fun out of this.”

Celestia looked at me with her eyes narrowed until she realized the source of the disturbance. “It can’t be… You-”

“Yup. Picked up a tentacle while I was gone.” I walked over and gave her a hug. “Sorry for messing with you, but I wondered if you could see it.”

“If I wasn’t paying attention, I probably wouldn’t have. How?”

“How did I gain this totally radical thing? Dying, but not in the Everfree.” I added quickly. “I just never had a reason to use it before I left.”

“...You’re going to be awful with that thing.” The corners of her mouth twitched.

“Actually, I can make it multiple things . It’s like telekinesis, but more tentacle based. The thing itself is intangible if I don’t give it anything more than a direction to go,” I looked around and put a small candle on the underside of my coffee table. After stepping back with Celestia, I reached out with my mental tentacle and grabbed it through the top of the table and banged it against the underside a few times before bringing it up and over. Unfortunately, I set it down a bit too hard and cracked the glass casing, but thankfully didn’t smash it. “So my control needs some work, but it’s still useful.”

“Is that the only magic you know?” Celestia asked.

“It’s not really magic, more like psychic prowess.”

“If you can’t explain it better than that, I’m still going to call it magic.”

“What if I told you that I was effectively forbidden from having magic by the being that gave the ability to me?” I countered. Not quite true. He just said that He wouldn't give it to me.

She rolled her eyes. “It wouldn’t really matter since levitation and telekinesis are both forms of magic.”

“You suck sometimes. You do it well, but you still suck.”

“I’m the best and you know it.” She grinned.

“Even the best sweepers still suck at the end of the day.” I muttered. “So do you want to spend the night? I would appreciate the company.”

“As much as I would love to, I still have to run a country-”

“Isn’t Luna back from Gryphonia? Trusting her with the day court for a bit would really improve your relationship, if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you, and I’ve done so a few times to spend time with you. Neither of us particularly enjoy leaving the other to do our work you know.”

“Understandable, but I’d like to spend as much time as I can with you while I can.” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. “I’ve been so very lonely in the forest.”

Celestia bit her lip and her eyes flicked downward. “We could spend some ‘quality time’ together, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“... That’s not really what I’m asking, but far be it from me to turn you down.” I kissed her cheek and moved on to her lips.

Things were pleasant from there.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning came and I was alone in my bed, Celestia having left at dawn to do her daily duties. I took my time getting out of bed, aching from the softness of a mattress that wasn’t a thousand years old. Celestia had told me that the castle was a remnant from the time when she and Luna had their fight, so it was a bit older than I had originally thought, but that didn’t change the fact that it had been my place of refuge for a month. I started to miss it as I stretched, trying to work out all of the kinks in my muscles.

All of my food was gone, but my icebox still had some water in it so I got a quick drink and started planning out who I would visit first. I ran through my admittedly short list of friends and decided that Fluttershy would come first since she was both my lover and the Lupa’s former caretaker. If my pupper was back home too, that’s where she would be if she wasn’t here, and I needed to let Fluttershy know that I was alive anyway.

I checked myself in the mirror and marveled at the clarity of the tiny scars that crisscrossed my face. I was covered in tiny bites and scratches that had left pinkish lines all over my upper body from where briar and various small creatures had taken their toll, and I wondered if they helped make me look more roguishly handsome. I decided that they did. Feeling naked without my sword, I prepared for the day by meditating on my back porch for an hour, after which I truly began my day and headed over to Fluttershy’s.

I could smell her long before I could see her, though it wasn’t as if she were stinky. In fact, she smelled just as lovely as usual, just further away. I was a good clip from her cabin, but I could already pick up whiffs of her and her various animal friends, a little gift from the Everfree, if you will. I wondered if I could speed up my walking by using my telekinesis to lift myself, a thought that was quickly dashed when I got a meter off of the ground. Walking would do just fine.

Knocking on Fluttershy’s front door, I suddenly heard a ferocious barking from inside which sent me straight into 'Fight or Flight Mode'. I wrenched the door open and ran inside, only to be tackled by Bearett who had apparently been about to get the door. He stood over me with one paw weighing down on my chest.

“Good to see you too.” I wheezed.

Bearett let off and snorted, though he didn’t allow me to rise. “You made the Broodmother sad.”

“You dropped me off in the middle of the Everfree!” I smacked his nose with my power.

“I did not expect you to take so long in your return.” He swiped at his nose and rubbed it.

“You expected me to die you prick! You just left me there!”

The barking sounded again, much closer this time. “We will speak more on this matter. There is someone who wants to see you more than any other.” Bearett let me up.

“Is that person yellow or black?”

Lupa answered that question when she ran into the room, skidded across the floor and came straight for me.

“Whoa, chill!” I said as I dodged her first lunge.

She was preparing for a second go when I raised my hands. “Lupa, seriously, chill before you hurt something.”

“But you’re here!” She barked. “You’re back!”

“I know I’m back, but that doesn’t mean you have to risk ruining Fluttershy’s house.” I walked over and calmly gave her a hug. “I missed you too, Lupa. Next time, let me know before you go off to the Gathering will you?”

She cocked her head. “I may. The Zgon aren’t really supposed to talk about it, though.”

“I understand. Just let me know before you just disappear next time, okay?”

“You disappeared too! Krel said you would have to find your own way out of the Everfree, but I thought that they would eventually help you.”

“Eventually my arse. The only favor the Gathering did me was drop me off at the castle, and apparently that place is evil too.”

Lupa stood on her hind legs and licked my face a few times, abruptly ending our conversation. I guess she was just glad to have me back, though I would prefer it if she had another way of showing affection, other than covering me in slobber. I wiped my face off with her fur during the hug I gave her which probably wasn’t the most sanitary way to do things, but it was her own fault.

“So where’s Fluttershy?” I asked once Lupa let me go. “I can’t imagine that she’s too far off.”

Lupa said nothing and headed for the door, so I opened it for her and followed her out. Our destination turned out to be a tree not too far from Fluttershy’s cabin, but the woman herself wasn’t there. Lupa laid down at the base of the tree, so I sat with her and assumed that we would wait there.

“She’s not on the premises, is she?” I asked.

Lupa yawned and put her head in my lap. “The Broodmother is not here, but she often passes this tree when she returns. This is where we wait for her should we need her assistance.”

“I can deal with that. If nothing else the Everfree taught me the true value of patience. That, and the value of being smarter than your opponent.” I scratched behind Lupa’s ear.

“It is a good place to learn the Old Ways, master. The forest is where I spent the last few years of puppy-hood and learned to hunt more efficiently.”

“So you weren’t born in the Everfree?”

“I was not. The forest is far too dangerous to raise pups, or any young for that matter, if one is not one of the more powerful beings that live there. Manticores and Orthus' may raise young there, but most creatures only use the place to sharpen their fangs so that they may return to their home with more experience. That is the way of the Zgon, at least.”

“But what about the Kendani that live there? Do they breed in that hellhole?”

“They do, but the Kendani will live anywhere there is food or a mate.”

While we’re on the topic of mates, I never did get your opinion on any of mine. Well, besides Velvet.”

“I approve of your choices so far barring the Alpha Female, though my kind prefers to keep our mating to a few. Your kind obviously does not share our values.”

“Actually, humans are mostly monogamous, only keeping one mate for decades. I’ve only started seeing other women here because of Pony society.”

“That is interesting to hear, even if I do happen to think males of all species are largely promiscuous.” Lupa snorted.

“If you want to take it down to the instinctual level, then it’s probably just to spread our DNA around as much as possible, but since I can’t have kids with Ponies, or rather, I hope I can’t, that’s not really my case.”

“So you’re a slut?” Lupa huffed.

“Fuck you.”

“I’ve seen it, you’re too small for me.”

I flicked her ear “Bitch, I will fucking eat you.”

“Who is that threat more realistic with? me or you?”

“Just shut up you mangy mutt. God, I liked it better when I couldn’t understand you.”

“You know I’m the best wolf you’ve ever met.”

“You’re the only one I’ve properly met. Not much in the way of competition there.”

She rolled over on her back. “My statement still stands. Belly rub?”

I mock sighed and started stretching my fingers. “Right back to where we left off, yeah?”

“You’ve got more little lines on you, but yes, if you exclude your constant bickering with your mates.”

“Hey! I don’t bicker with Fluttershy or Applejack that often!”

“You do with the studious horned one, the gross horned one, the smaller two, and the Alpha Female”

“The studious one is Twilight, but I started dating her while you were gone, though she isn’t my ‘mate’ in the way you mean. The smaller two have to be Pinkie and Rainbow, but you weren’t really there for either of those arguments, and Celestia’s a given. I actually love her, so some bullshit in my brain makes me want to squabble with her as often as possible-”

“You know she does not love you as you do her, right?”

I stopped stroking her belly and looked straight ahead. “I know. That’s what I realized after I thought she was using me. Celestia’s warped in so many fucked up ways, and frankly, I doubt she could ever truly give a piece of herself over to anyone, but she’s trying to with me. You see that too, right?”

“I do not, but I know that she does not give off the same scent as Fluttershy when she is around you. There is little love there, but there is plenty of lust.”

I started stroking Lupa’s belly again and sighed. “Again, I know. Not really something I want to think about.”

“You may not want to, but you should. If Celestia does not love you, then you are wasting your heart yearning for one that can only give you her body instead of her soul. Be with the Broodmother; she will treat you as you deserve.”

“I like Fluttershy, but she just doesn’t feel the same as Celestia. We joke and jibe with each other in private, but I know that she’ll balk if I ever try to get her to help me mess with someone directly.”

“Have you ever tried getting her to do some of your silly things?”

“Well, yeah actually. It went pretty well, but it’s not the impromptu hazing Celestia and I can do out of nowhere.”

“Does it not bring its own joy to share moments like those with the Broodmother? All I am suggesting is that you treat Celestia as you do the Broodmother and treat the Broodmother as you do Celestia.”

“Look, it’s just not that easy, no matter how you try and spin it. They’re two completely different people who I feel different ways about. Don’t get me wrong, Fluttershy already has a piece of my heart, but Celestia holds more of it than anyone else ever has.”

Lupa snorted. “You Two-Legs make things unnecessarily complicated. Get yourself a clearing, put on a display, see who likes it. That’s the way it’s done for most Zgon and Kendani, and it’s worked just fine for us.”

“Your society is a whole different thing, though. Where you guys live by your instincts, humans, and ponies, think about things like how an action will affect others, or how the consequences of said action further down the line will affect you. It’s not cut and dry like it seems to be in the animal kingdom.”

“As I said, unnecessary.”

I rolled my eyes and kept on making Lupa a good dog, yes she is, and just enjoyed not being in mortal peril. I assumed that since she hadn’t brought anything I'd said in the past while I couldn’t understand her into the conversation, it struck me as far more pertinent to shut up and enjoy being back. We sat under Fluttershy’s tree for a few hours and chilled out. It was a nice way to spend the morning.

Eventually, Fluttershy came back, and she was looking quite fabulous. She had evidently gone to the hairdresser, if the luster in her mane was anything to go by, and I could smell the perfume she was wearing and whatever lotion she'd applied. I tend not to pay that much attention to beautification products, but smells have a funny way of being recognizable.

I would have risen to greet Fluttershy when I saw her, but Lupa was napping on me and she seemed quite comfy. It didn’t take long for me to pick her up with telekinesis and drop her a foot or so away. Her panicked scrambling was hilarious, but I felt a little bad for doing it. Hopping up to my feet, I thought about calling out to Fluttershy, but I didn’t feel like it, so I followed her back up to her cabin, waiting until she got inside to knock. Once I did, she quickly opened the door.

The look on her face when she realized who it was… It brightened my week.

“M-Max?” She asked tentatively

I gave her a small wave. “Hullo, poppet. Did you miss me?”

She answered by way of glomp and buried her face into my shoulder. “I can’t believe it’s really you!” She said, muffled. She lifted her head and gave me a watery smile. “We thought you left because you didn’t feel like you had any friends left or that you got hurt and lost or that you-”

“Slow down, please.” I gave her a quick peck. “I’ll explain once I get all of the girls together so you can ask your questions then. I really don’t like repeating myself over and over again.”

Fluttershy beamed and went back to hugging me. “I’m just so glad you’re okay!”

“I’m glad I’m okay too, but I’m happier to see you whole and healthy. I worried about you while I was gone.”

“I would ask where you went, but you just said that you don’t like to repeat yourself.”

“Exactly.” I nodded as a thought occurred to me. “Hey, do you wanna help me do something?”

“I-I guess? Yes?”

“Atta girl.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I don’t see what was so important you just had to have us come over. It’s not like you to spring stuff on us like this, Flutters.” Rainbow Dash said irritably.

“While I disagree with her wording, it is rather unlike you to call us all together like this.” Rarity stated. “Why, if you had something to tell us, you could have told me while we were at the spa!”

“I-I know, b-but it’s really important...”

Applejack coughed. “Fluttershy has her reasons, I’m sure. We just gotta wait patiently for whatever her surprise is.”

“Applejack’s right! We know it must be important if Fluttershy asked for a meeting.” Twilight agreed. “

“I just wish it was a party! Wait, is it a party?” I could hear Pinkie Pie’s Cheshire-esque grin from my hiding place upstairs.

“W-Well, kinda? I-I did get some cookies and some tea, but I don’t know if I’d really call it a party.” Fluttershy responded.

“Cookies and tea are all well and good, but how about we make this a real party! Ooh, ooh, we could make it a slumber party!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“I-If you want…” Fluttershy meekly started.

“Pinkie, calm down. If Fluttershy wanted a party with all the fixin’s, she woulda asked. Like I said, we just gotta wait.”

“W-Well, since we’re all here, I guess I can tell you now.”

Time to make my entrance.

“NO WAIT!” I shouted, bolting down the stairs. “I’ll tell them!”

“Who in tarnatio- MAX!?” Applejack yelled.

I gave them all my most winsome smile and put my hands on my hips. “The one and only! I’m not dead!”

After Applejack’s little outburst, things got awfully silent.

“...So no one besides Fluttershy is happy to see me? Well, Flutters and Lupa, but still.”

Twilight shook her head and blinked. “Sorry, it’s just that…”

Rarity glanced over and picked up where she left off. “It’s just that after you disappeared, we tried asking Princess Celestia where you’d gone and she didn’t know. We thought we’d driven you off when we didn’t invite you to the picnic…”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, no, that’s definitely not what happened. I went to go see some friends of mine in the Everfree and got super lost during a chase with an Orthus and with a Manticore.”

Twilight screwed up her face, but Rainbow Dash was the one to speak first. “Dude, who do you know that lives in the Everfree besides Zecora?”

“Lizard slash snake people called the Naga. I was going there to ask them how to hunt or trap game so I don’t have to constantly eat plants.”

“Wait, do you mean that you eat animals?” Applejack asked slowly.

“You guys are herbivores, I’m an omnivore. Deal with it and be glad I’m not dead. Seriously, you’d think I never went anywhere by your reactions.” I crossed my arms.

“It’s kinda like seein’ a ghost, to be fair. I thought you finally kicked the bucket.” Applejack rose and walked over to me. “I’m glad you’re back, but I’m also glad you went away. Gave me a bit of time to figure some things out.” She put her hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. “If you ever disappear again, I’m gonna break your legs.” Applejack leaned forward and gave me quite the passionate kiss.

When she let me go, I gave her a smile. “I’d do it again if I get another kiss like that!”

Applejack gave me a flat look and I dropped my gaze. “Kidding, jeez. Take a joke.”

Twilight and Fluttershy came over to stand on either side of Applejack. “It's not a funny one. We really thought we lost you, Max.” Twilight’s eyes welled up with tears, so I took her into my arms and held her for a minute.

“Don’t worry about me too much, love. I’m made of tougher stuff than you think.”

“If you’re made of tougher stuff, then why are you covered in scars?” Twilight asked from my chest.

“The Everfree’s tougher than me. It’s all nicks and scratches, though. I didn’t get seriously hurt or anything, though getting mounted by that Orthus was traumatizing.”

“Dude, you got mounted by a two headed dog?” Rainbow giggled.

“Shut up, Blue Bean, I’ll kick your arse up and down the street for shits and giggles.” I sneered.

“Whoa, what the hay? The first thing you say to me when you come back is a threat!?” Rainbow asked, befuddled.

“I didn’t forget that you threw a goddamn storm at my house, you twat. Oh yeah, Pinkie?”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed into slits as she prepared to lunge at me.

Pinkie’s eyes were stuck to the floor, but when I mentioned her name, she cringed and looked up. “Yes?” She asked softly.

“You’re forgiven. The damage you caused was repairable, though I want you to promise to never do that or something like it again.”

Pinkie’s hair puffed up and her eyes shone. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

What the fuck was that shit?

“...Don’t you mean ‘cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye?”

I garnered some blank stares for that. “What? It’s how it goes in my country.”

Fluttershy grinned and whispered in my ear. “If your country’s that bad, maybe you should go back to the Everfree.”

“Wait, what did she say?” Twilight asked, letting me go.

“Something absolutely savage that you don’t need to worry about.” I winked at Fluttershy and gave her a thumbs up. “So, Pinkie. To be completely honest with you, you’re starting from zero trust, but you can build it by being reliable or whatever. I can’t really control how much I trust you, but I can control how much I give you, so make of that what you will and try not to piss me off on purpose.”

Pinkie saluted. “Aye aye, captain!”

I turned back to Rainbow who had relaxed a bit. “Don’t wreck my house again and we’ll be cool, though I’m still quite upset about that.”

“It was kind of a jerk move…”

“No shit. That was a very mean thing to do and you should feel ashamed.” I huffed. “Speaking of my house, who fixed it?”

“Why, the Princess of course. She was adamant that something be done, just in case you came back.” Rarity explained.

“Huh. How thoughtful. I knew I liked her for a reason.” I smirked.

Fluttershy grinned again, but instead of whispering in my ear, she went and got snacks. I hadn’t eaten all day, so I may or may not have destroyed the cookies. My manners had taken a hit, but were quickly put back in place once I realized that I had an audience. I was still smarting a bit from the lackluster effect my entrance had, which was kind of souring my mood. I was expecting them to be happier to see me, but I suppose that not being on speaking terms with three of them when I got lost put a damper on that. Still, I was presumed dead and gone; you would think that would count for something when it comes to returning not dead. Maybe it was the fact that I’d already died once?

All deaths or possible deaths aside, it turned out to be a nice night. I ended up getting hugs from Pinkie and, with a little extra time, Rarity, so I was now on pretty decent terms with all of my friends. Rainbow and I would still have to hash things out, but once I forgave Pinkie, Rarity was much warmer towards me, which is exactly what I thought it would take to regain her friendship. Points for a good guess, I suppose.

I spent a lot of the night telling tales from the Everfree, like how the chase with the Orthus actually happened, and how I started taking down predators for food. The girls were awfully squeamish when it came to the more violent parts of my tale, so I learned from my mistake and focused on telling them about some of the flora and fauna from the deeper parts of the forest. Oddly enough, when I told them about the castle, Twilight told me that it was actually the place where they fought and defeated Nightmare Moon, cementing their friendship early on. If we were indeed talking about the same place, then it was quite the coincidence that two elder beings sent us there at different times, and I wondered if the Watcher and Celestia knew each other. I mean, I assume that the Watcher is old, and I know Celestia is, so it wouldn’t be a far stretch for the two leaders to have met at some previous juncture.

The party was soon concluded due to some social exhaustion that I had been battling with since coming down the stairs, but Fluttershy gave me some potent puppy dog eyes and convinced me to stay with her for the night, though I thought they were a bit much since I would have agreed anyway. Her home may not be as wild as the Everfree, but the animals that were out and about made me feel more comfortable, and Fluttershy’s presence in and of itself was comforting after spending so long alone. I would have immediately gone to bed with Fluttershy, but Rarity had stayed behind to speak with me.

Fluttershy headed upstairs to get ready for an extended nap while Rarity and I stood awkwardly at the door. “So what do you want to talk about? I’m guessing this isn’t about missing me.” I asked.

Rarity steepled her fingers and looked at them. “I just wanted to apologize for being… Well, for being a bad friend.” Rarity’s eyes met mine. “I know I was against you in the incident with Pinkie, but after she told us that you agreed to drop that horrid nickname, I looked upon my actions and I did not like the mare performing them.”

“While I both appreciate and accept your apology, I would hate to let you think that I just gave up calling ‘Pinkie’ ‘Cuntie’.”

“...Then why would she say otherwise?” Rarity asked carefully.

“Because I did stop calling her Cuntie, but I utilized an old method of deciding whether or not to drop the nickname.”

She pursed her lips and glared at me. “If you tell me that you flipped a coin, I am going to hurt you.”

“I don’t have to tell you since you already know. That also means you can’t hurt me because I didn’t tell you: you told yourself.” I grinned at her.

Rarity sighed. “I suppose I should have found that suspicious after you were so angry with Pinkie. Your willingness to stop calling her by your mean little name, I mean.”

“I suppose you should have. Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

“Well, there is something else…”

I mimicked her past actions and made a ‘go on’ gesture.

“You’re not making this very easy for me, you know.” She pouted.

“If you just get on with it, I won’t be able to make it hard for you.” I paused for a moment. “That doesn’t sound right.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, but I suppose I could just get it over with now.” Rarity took a deep breath. “I would still like to maintain our agreement, if it’s okay by you. We’ve had a rough patch, as we’re both well aware, but I don’t want to let that impede the progress that we were making before… Well, everything that happened.” She was sporting a blush by the time she finished.

“I see no problem with it.”

“I know you must be upset, but honestly I- Wait, did you just agree?”

“Yeah, I did. Why did you think I would be upset?”

“The way I treated you was so awful! You came by to apologize and I was just so standoffish and bullheaded that I didn’t even bother to consider how you felt! And you were completely right. I did lie to you, and I was wrong for that, but I do hope you understand.”

“I still don’t, but I don’t really care. You’ve been pretty good to me, all things considered, and if you want to keep things moving, then I’m happy to help push.”

“...What?”

“How often do you talk to Apple Bloom?”

“Not very. Why do you ask?”

“No reason, just curious. So when do you want me to sex you?”

Rarity blinked twice. “That’s… That’s not how you word that.”

“Fine, when do you want me to do the sexual to you?”

“I find you less attractive the more you speak.”

“I wonder how long it would take for me to make you lose interest completely.”

Rarity gave me an irritated glare. “Keep it up and it won’t be much longer.”

“Nah, you totally love me, just like Applejack.”

Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “Wait, Applejack is in love with you too!?”

“I think so, but I won’t push the issue. She’ll say something when she’s ready, and me rushing her won’t do the woman any good. She likes to take things at her pace, and it might not actually be love I‘m feeling from her. Might just be some leftover Everfree paranoia working its way out or something.”

“Well, if you ask me-”

“I’m not, but go ahead.” I interrupted

Rarity glared. “As I was saying. If you ask me, I think you should be direct with Applejack. I believe I know her quite a bit better, and I don’t think that she’s the type of mare who would be so forward about developing what she probably feels is a passing crush. I also doubt she wants to risk alienating what you two had before you left for something unknown.”

“I think Applejack’s too brave to let that stand in her way. When she’s sure that I’m the guy she wants, I don’t doubt for a moment that she’ll come after me. Can’t say I didn’t like what we had before though, it was like having a best friend you could put your stiff bit in without them being offended.”

“... Maybe we should continue your lessons on proper manners.”

“Maybe it’s literally my first full day out of the Everfree and I don’t want to watch what I say? Just a thought.”

“I would argue with you, but it is getting rather late, and I’d like to get home before dawn. I’ll see you soon, Max.”

“Bye, Rares. Have a good night.”

Rarity sent a small smile my way and closed the door behind her as she left, which I was grateful for since it meant I didn’t have to bother. I turned and went upstairs with a spring in my step. Now I was finally on finally on speaking terms with everyone again, and boy did it feel good, I tell ya. Actually, that’s a load of shit. It was a nice thing, but not something I really wanted. Pinkie and Rainbow could fuck off for all I care, but I guess I’d prefer it if I could talk to them. It’s not like I really needed more enemies, though I can’t really say for certain how many enemies I have in this world. I would have a few, but all of those guys are dead, so there aren’t that many people besides maybe Grape Sprinkles. I thought a little longer and realized that there was someone else, a miss Mineral Zeal that I hadn’t seen in some time. She was quite the twat, though stealing her job seemed like it was a little much, even if it was somewhat warranted. It felt like ages since I had met her in the Lock Pad and secured my first job in Equestria, and I wondered if I should have invited Onyx Lock to the party I didn’t show up to, which reminded me that I would have to hold another one some time.

Fluttershy was already lying down, reading by lamp light when I managed to get my head out of the clouds and back down to Earth, or rather, Equus. When she saw me, she gave me a warm smile and patted the spot next to her, but sadly, there were a few of her furry friends occupying the space. With a little effort from both of us, we managed to coax most of them to consciousness and placed them in some of the surplus animal beds that Fluttershy kept on hand, just in case. With them out of the way, I was free to take my place beside my favorite Pegasus.

We sat and talked for a bit before we both went to sleep without any funny business. I would say that I was a bit let down that Fluttershy didn’t jump my bones, but having some company at bedtime doesn’t always mean that there will be any sort of activity, and it was nice just to have someone there with me. That, and Fluttershy’s squishy where it counts and her bed was firmer than mine. The former was just nice and the latter made me feel like I was back at the castle, which made me sleep a bit more easily. I still woke up a few times, but I was too comfy to let it bother me for long.

Fluttershy woke up before I did, and her absence in bed was duly noted since the morning was oddly cold. I had never bothered to learn the Equestrian calendar, but I guessed that it was probably equivalent to September now, closing in on fall, and that meant that the nights would be perfect for my bonfire! I deemed it a worthy venture to move the date for my party up to sometime in the next few days and went to go ‘borrow’ some of Fluttershy’s mouthwash.

All the mirror held was some sexy fucker, so I tried flirting with him for a bit. It got real awkward when Fluttershy caught me dirty talking to myself, but I played it off poorly enough to make her laugh, so that was a plus. She wanted to have breakfast at Blossoms and Blooms, so I negotiated for brunch so I could go home, get showered, and change clothes, so we would meet there around ten.

Lupa accompanied me back home, though she didn’t say much on the way over, stating that just because I could understand her didn’t mean that she would suddenly start talking more often. By her own words, most animals were predominantly silent unless they were looking for assistance or a mate, so I couldn’t really blame her for not being a conversationalist, no matter how nice I thought it was that I could comprehend her. After all, what good is being able to talk to animals if they never talk?

I was tempted to get rid of my beard while shaving, but for some odd reason, I was starting to feel a manner of attachment to it, like it was a new friend that didn’t really impact my life. I kept it for the time being and finished up with the rest of my morning routine, choosing to go outside of my general comfort zone with a red T-shirt that I found in the back of my closet. Red was not my color by any means, but it’s nice to change things up occasionally. Saying fuck it to vegan bullshit, I ate some of the dried meat I had brought with me from the Everfree and poured myself a shot of thousand year old wine.

Looking back on it now, I should have realized that it was a terrible idea.

Fucking sloshed, I stumbled my way into town with a sloppy grin on my face and an irritable wolf by my side. I happily waved to just about everyone I saw and received many odd looks for my good mood and general drunkenness, though I wasn’t paying much attention to them. Eventually, I made my way to the restaurant a little after ten, quickly finding Fluttershy. I had a seat and Lupa pushed a chair out of the way, sitting between us.

“Hullo, poppet. Lovely day, isn’t it?” I slurred with a grin.

Fluttershy smiled and narrowed her eyes. “It is rather nice out, but don’t you think it’s a bit early to be drinking?”

My grin widened. “In my defense, it was wine and I didn’t have much.”

“Right. I would be more offended, but I don’t think it would do either of us much good.”

“Why would you?” I cocked my head to the side.

“If a stallion shows up to a date drunk, it’s usually not a good sign. At least, that’s what Applejack and Rarity say.”

“Trust me, sweetcheeks, if I show up to a drunk date with you, then it was an accident.”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes but kept smiling. “You mean ‘if I show up to a date drunk, right? Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a drunk date with you sometime, but I don’t now is it.”

“I totally said that. Why you gotta correct me, beautiful?”

She blushed and gave me a sly grin. “If I don’t correct you then it means I don’t care, sweetie.”

I scrunched up my face. “I don’t think I like sweetie.”

“You can pick from sweetie or honey then.”

“I call Celestia hun, though.”

“You call her hun, not honey”

“Awfully close iddinit?”

“Isn't it.”

“That’s what I said.”

Fluttershy reached over and patted my hand. “I love it when you’re on the receiving end.”

My face flushed. “Nothing is going in there. Ever.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look, but the waiter finally came over and took our orders. I had hash browns again while Fluttershy went for artisan veggie waffles, which I found to be both pretentious and gross, but it’s not like I had to eat it. With some food on my stomach, I started to sober up, finally able to keep my words from mushing together like they had been, though I was still enjoying a good buzz. And to think, I still had three whole bottles and one with only a shot taken out of it.

We continued our date with a walk through the park in town and saw Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle doing something or other in the park. A few steps later and we could see that they were talking to two other tweenagers: a pastel pink one with a light purple mane that had a white streak ,and a greyish one with a silver mane who was sporting some comically large glasses. Fluttershy suddenly stopped in her tracks and let go of my hand once they had come into view and worry was etched into her face. It didn’t take a neurosurgeon to understand why she had stopped, so I took upon myself to help out my friends’ younger sisters. Fluttershy grabbed my arm as I started walking towards them and shook her head, but I just rolled my eyes and started dragging her along with me.

“M-Max! We shouldn’t interfere!”

“We’re not interfering. I am. You’re just there to be sweet and cuddly.”

“This is a bad idea Max-”

“All of my ideas work out one way or another, so relax poppet, and trust me, will you?”

She still seemed unsure but still followed me. “P-Please don’t be your normal self. Especially not to children…”

“Ye of little faith.”

Apple Bloom spotted me first, and from her body language, she was happy to see me, though her friends were still focused on their antagonists.

I waved once we made eye contact. “Afternoon, Apple Bloom. What’s up?”

The group of girls ceased their faggotry when they heard me, but the other two didn’t go anywhere. The pink one crossed her arms and glared at me and the grey one soon followed after seeing that her boss was doing it. Straight up, I could already tell the archetypes these two little twats filled, and neither of them are worth speaking to at any given moment. I was willing to bet my fortune that they were both wealthy (or as wealthy as one can get in a small town) bitchy, condescending, and insecure as fuck.

“Heya, Max.” Apple Bloom greeted.

Sweetie Belle turned to look at me, though I swear she almost went cross-eyed from trying to keep one eye on her foes.

“So are you girls out enjoying the weather? It’s a pretty nice day to be out and about.”

“Yeah, kinda. We were going to see if we could get our Cutie Marks from identifying the species of trees, but we were interrupted by our... friends.” Apple Bloom forced a smile, but her friends just scowled harder and the other two matched them.

“Oh, how nice!” I turned to the nameless girls and waved, though they ignored me completely. I don’t like being ignored.

Fluttershy’s hand weaved around my bicep, but I just shrugged her off and walked into the middle of the group, facing the grey one first.

I extended a hand. “Hullo! Name’s Max, what’s yours?”

Her lip curled and I felt the controllable desire to smack that look off of her face, but she took my hand and shook it anyways. “Silver Spoon.”

“What a lovely name. I’m sure you’re just a delight, now aren’t you?” If sarcasm had a physical from, then it would have been pouring out of my mouth, slowly burning a hole to the center of the planet.

Silver Spoon may have sensed something was up, but she just gave me a half smile and craned her neck around me to glare at Scootaloo some more.

I turned to the pink one, but she spoke before I could. “My name’s Diamond Tiara. No I don’t want to be your mushy gushy friend.”

The grin I had kept on my face grew wider and I offered my hand to her. “Hullo, I’m Max. What’s your name?”

Diamond Tiara scowled at my hand. “I just told you, didn’t I?” Smacking you seems like more fun.

“Humor me.”

She rolled her eyes and huffed, giving me plenty of time to form my little tentacle friend, encircling her completely, but I left a gap for her hand to pass through. She eventually took my hand, and once she did, I yanked her towards me, simultaneously tightening my psychic grip until she could neither move nor speak.

I leaned in and whispered in her ear. “I swear to Princess Luna that I will murder your entire family if you so much as breathe another hateful word to these girls. I will rip your fathers’ bowels out, force your mother to eat them, drink her tears myself and start feeding them both pieces of you until I think you’ve learned your lesson. If you tell anyone, I will kill your parents. If you think about telling someone, I will kill your friend.”

I let her go and she stumbled back, her face as white as a sheet. I let my lips retract and showed off my pretty canines. “Now run along you two little skanks, I’m sure Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle will play with you some other time.”

Diamond Tiara back away slowly with Silver Spoon looking between us. The pink girl turned and bolted out of there as quickly as her feet would carry her, leaving her friend to try and keep up, but I’ve seen fear in action: Silver Spoon never stood a chance.

Fluttershy spun me around while I was still waving them off. “Max.”

She was pissed.

“Yes, poppet?” I let my smile die down since my cheeks were hurting.

“What. Did. You. Say. To. Her.”

“Nothing much.” I patted her shoulder and her glare started getting more intense, like it was drilling into my head.

“Max.”

“Yes?”

“What. Did. You. Say.”

“You know, if you keep badgering me about it, I don’t think I’m going to tell you.”

Fluttershy reached over and put a hand on my shoulder, her gaze making me quite uncomfortable. “You’re going to tell me one way or the other.”

Apple Bloom wormed her way between us. “Hey! Leave Max alone!” She glared up at Fluttershy, but when her eyes locked onto Apple Bloom’s, the poor girl excused herself and stood with her friends.

“I think Fluttershy’s really mad.” I heard Sweetie Belle whisper.

“I don’t see why, all he did was scare 'em off by the looks of it.” Apple Bloom whispered back.

With Fluttershy’s stare back on me, I started squirming, though I couldn’t look away for some odd reason. She opened her mouth again to say something else, but the day was beginning to dim rapidly and her words made no sound. I saw her flesh start peeling off in flickers and flashes. One moment, she was whole and angry, and the next she was rotting away. Guilt and terror held my intestines fast in its grip, images of Hell surfacing in my mind. I felt my heart race and my hands become ice cold, fight or flight response primed and ready to go.

All of a sudden, I was standing across from a perfectly fine Fluttershy, though her look had turned from one of fury to one of concern. “M-Max? A-Are you okay?”

I walked away from her, noticing that my hands were shaking rather hard. I pressed them against temples and tried to work out the headache that was building swiftly. Fluttershy caught up to me laid a hand on my shoulder, but I flinched away and she let me go.

“J-Just give me a moment. I-I got a bit rattled there.” I weakly chuckled.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just that you said you wouldn’t be mean, and then Diamond Tiara looked so scared, and I just…”

I sat down with my back to one of the parks many trees and clasped my hands together. “Never said I wasn’t going to be me, I just said you had little faith.”

The steel returned to Fluttershy’s voice. “I might feel bad about giving you the Stare, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy with you.”

“Is that what you call it? Because of your little ‘Stare’, I looked at you and saw your flesh rot off your bones.”

“What.”

“Yeah. Never do that again. Please.”

“I-I-I… Nopony’s ever said that happened, th-they just say that felt really guilty…”

“Not a pony.”

“...Right.”

We were silent for a few minutes, and once I got my shit together, I rose and glanced at Fluttershy. She was still normal, so I turned to look her in the eye. “Can we go home?”

She bit her lip. “...After you tell me what you said to Diamond Tiara.”

“Ask her yourself. If she answers you, I have work to do.”

“Wait, that’s really foreboding, Max.”

“No shit. I don’t know or really care about what you do for the rest of the day, but I’m going home and going to sleep.”

And so I did.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning after that was a stressful one. Lupa had gone off while Fluttershy and I were on our date, but hadn’t said anything to me beforehand, so I assumed that she would be back in her own time. Seriously, I was beginning to feel like a parent with how much time I spent worrying about Lupa. The freaky nightmares were not helping at all, and when I say freaky, I actually mean hellish. I didn’t quite understand what Fluttershy’s Stare had to do with them, but I was willing to wager that it had made my sleep significantly worse. I still managed to get through my morning routine and what not, but I saw my breakfast a few more times than I wanted to and that was all I needed to call it a day early and go back to bed.

The day after that, I was feeling considerably better, though I still woke up at four in the morning. It wasn’t exactly a bad thing since I got my journals caught up, but as I went to retrieve them, they seemed… out of order, like someone who wasn’t me had been in my house and went through my shit again. That, or I was just being paranoid. I shrugged it off and told myself that it didn’t matter as much as I thought it did, finding something else to do until noon.

Noon came and I was making decent headway in my new book, but I needed to go have a quick chat with Rarity, then go see Fluttershy, and I wanted to find something to do with my weaponry on the couch. It’s not like I could use any of it, seeing as how I could barely lift the battle axe without telekinesis to assist me, and the zweihander was just too damn long for me. I would have to see about getting some fixtures for them when I had the chance..

The walk to the Carousel Boutique was uneventful. Nothing happened, no one gave me any odd looks, no one actively shunned me or welcomed me. It was like I was invisible. I loved every second of it. During my first months in Equestria, I attracted stares from just about every source, but now I felt like I actually belonged in a manner of speaking. It reminded me of being in a larger town where people didn’t give a shit about you or what you do as long as it doesn’t affect them. It was a nice feeling.

I knocked on Rarity’s door and waited patiently for her to come to it, but then I remembered that she still had the clothes that I had apparently paid for, so I was technically here on business. I let myself in and felt like an idiot for fucking around in the first place. Rarity had let herself into my house before, and extending the same courtesy, or lack thereof, to her was only fair.

Looking around, I saw no sign of her, so I assumed that she was in the back room, probably making garments or whatever that thing she does is. I took it upon myself to check and I did not find her, oddly enough. I wondered why Rarity would leave her shop open if she wasn’t there, but it wasn’t terribly crucial for me to see her at the moment, so I made an about face and nearly ran into her as I was exiting.

“Oh! Hullo, Rarity.” I greeted. I heard a little cough after a moment and looked behind her, spotting a visibly irritated Sweetie Belle. “Afternoon, Sweetie Belle.”

“Hello Max!” Rarity beamed. “I was just out picking up some groceries with my dear sister. What brings you to my humble boutique?”

I stood aside to let them in. “Just stopped by to say hi, pick up my knives, and try and make you keep the investment money. You know, just normal me things.”

Rarity shook her head. “I nearly forgot about your bits. It’s going to be awfully difficult to get me to keep them. Now that I have a few more connections in Canterlot, advertising isn’t really as much of an issue.”

I pulled at my beard. “Are you sure you don’t need it for anything else? I mean-”

She cut me short. “I am quite certain that I will not need your bits, though I do thank you for lending them to me in the first place. Perhaps you could try convincing Applejack to allow you to invest in her farm?”

“I tried already, but I don’t think she’ll go for it without having Macintosh’s support. Hell, it’s not like I’d offer her unreasonable terms.”

“Unreasonable terms?”

“Well, it’s not like I’m dropping thousands of bits just to be nice. That’s a part of it, but I’d also like to make it an actual investment, you know? I’d like to see a possible return over a period of time and help out my friend. Two birds, one stone.”

“Oh.” Rarity said. “Is that what you wanted from me as well?”

“I hadn’t really given it that much thought at the time, but it would be beneficial to both of us if we did.”

“...That’s actually a good idea. I guess you’re full of surprises.”

“Shush, you marshmellow, I’ll eat you.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and Sweetie Belle giggled. We went to the kitchen and I helped them put their things away, though I was surprised to find that Rarity ate pancakes. I was going to ask, but decided it wasn’t pertinent at all. Rarity and I sat down and started getting a business arrangement settled, but since I had no experience in the field, I was effectively at Rarity’s mercy. I trusted her enough to give me decent terms, but I knew that as an entrepreneur, it was in her best interest to lean things toward her side. I didn’t particularly care, but since I didn’t have a steady job, a little bit of extra income wouldn’t hurt.

I left Rarity’s with my knives, the new clothes and a promise of a legal document to be sent my way once we could get a lawyer of some sort to fill in the bullshit bits so it’s airtight. My next stop had to be my house so I prepared myself for a day full of walking. Speaking of, the trip back home was just as boring as the prior walk, so that also made me happy. After I got my weaponry situated and my clothes stuffed into a closet, I started on my way to Fluttershy’s.

Upon arrival, I was mobbed by Lupa and a familiar fox that ran circles around me and made pointless animal noises while doing it. I assumed it was a game of sorts to them, but didn’t really care enough to ask since they weren’t really bothering me. I knocked on Fluttershy’s door with Lupa and Mr. Foxy still acting silly and waited for a response. A minute or two later, she answered the door and welcomed me in with mixed emotions. We sat down in her living room, scootching her tenants out of the way.

“Lovely day out, isn’t it?” I said pleasantly.

“It is…”

“A little balmy, but nice. I can’t imagine that it would be terribly good for your hair though.”

“I like it, it’s not bad.”

“...Yeah, small talk isn’t really my thing. What’s on your mind, poppet?”

“Oh, nothing much.”

I levelled a withering glare in her direction. “Really now.”

“W-Well… I guess there is something…”

“You only stutter around me when it’s something big. Just get it over with so we can deal with it like responsible adults, or whatever pale facsimile I happen to be able to conjure up at the moment.”

“...Right. I was just wondering what you said to Diamond Tiara…”

“Too bad, I’m not saying. Can we let that be the end of it?”

Fluttershy gave me a very womanly look and I sighed. “You can keep asking, but I’m not telling unless you have a good reason for wanting to know.”

“Isn’t it important in a relationship to be honest with your spouse?” Fluttershy objected.

“I’m not lying. There are certain things that I’ll never talk with you about, and it’s not just you personally, it’s everyone. Somethings only need to be said once, and there are things that I’ve said and done in the past that would tarnish our relationship, so of course I’m not going to go out of my way to tell you about them. What I said to Diamond Tiara is just one of those things.”

“Max, how many times do I have to tell you that you can trust me? I won’t let any of your secrets out, and I want you to know that you can come to me with anything, not just the topical details. I know you’re a more secretive stallion than most, but don’t let that get in the way of you trying to be better like you’re doing now!”

I spread my hands with my palms facing upward. “Look poppet, I trust you with my life. It’s not even remotely close to a matter of trust, it’s how much I value your opinion of me and what I do. What you think of me matters, and I don’t want you to think I’m a bad guy-”

“Then why do you keep doing things a bad guy would do? I may not know exactly what you said to Diamond Tiara, but I talked to her yesterday and she was too scared to even come out of her house! You menaced a child, Max! I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you threatened her at this point! In fact, that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it?”

“I let an arrogant, stuck up bully know the score since someone I call a friend had to put up with her shit. If some prick came and did the same to you, I wouldn’t hesitate to jump to your defense.”

“That’s not even what we’re talking about! You need to learn that ponies have to fight their own battles-”

“Like you did with Applejack when she was depressed? You just let her fight her own battle and totally didn’t come after me because I was the cause?”

“That’s different and you know it!”

“No, I don’t know it! It’s the same damn concept!”

“It is not! Bullying somepony into making them do what you want them to is completely different from trying to help your friend, and if you can’t see that, then there’s no point in talking!” Fluttershy huffed.

“You know what? Fine! If you want to know what I said to Diamond Tiara that fucking badly, then I’ll just tell you so shut the hell up about it.” I sneered. “I told that prissy little cunt that I would murder her entire family and feed pieces of her to her parents until I thought she learned from her mistakes. I told her that I would rip her Dad’s entrails out and feed them to her mother while she watched. I told her that if she said anything to anyone, that I would kill her parents and her little friend. So what do you think? Was it really worth all the time you’ve wasted?” I finished with a glower.

“...Yes, I think it was.” Fluttershy said softly.

We stood in silence for a minute.

“Max, please leave.”

I turned and left without a word. Of course I knew that I shouldn’t have told her, but I was just as fed up as she was. If Fluttershy chose to stay by my side, I’d be quite surprised, but after what I’d just said, I found the idea to be rather far fetched. There are certain things that you don’t say in Equestria, lines you don’t cross, and I’d just leaped over one of Fluttershy’s in the most idiotic way. I regretted what I’d said to the little prick but I stood by my decision to help out a friend, and there was precious little that would change that.

With the joy sapped out of my day, I considered going home to enjoy some much needed alone time, but I still had to see if there were any fixtures for heavy medieval weapons in town, so I skulked my way to the furniture shop, only to be let down. I hadn’t been expecting much, but I’d still been hoping to have some luck. With that venture being a bust, I stuck around town for another hour, trying to see if I could find a smithy of some sort. There actually was one in town, but the specialized in fittings, nails, and the occasional tool. The head Smith himself told me that he’d never tried so much as forging a knife, let alone any real kind of weapon, so he didn’t know how to make fixtures for them since they were few and far between. I resolved to build one myself once I went back home, so I bought some wood and sandpaper while I was out.

When I got back home, I learned that carpentry is a bitch, and that working with a hammer while angry is a costly and hazardous venture. I bent more nails than I could count, and mashed my thumb a few times, both events causing a flurry of swearing whenever they happened. At the end of the day, I wasn’t much closer to having my weapon rack complete, both of my thumbs were throbbing, and I’d blown through about fifteen bits worth of nails. The only thing that could have possibly made it any worse would be having Fluttershy knock on my door just to continue our earlier argument.

Things got worse.

I’d just finished showering to get all the sawdust off of myself when Fluttershy knocked on my door. If I’d known it was her before I opened it, I probably would have just fucked off and went to bed, but sadly, I wasn’t blessed with X-ray vision and now Fluttershy was sitting on my couch.

She hadn’t said a word since she’d come in, so I spoke first. “Can I get you anything? I don’t have much-”

“Max, I know you’re upset with me, and I know you’re just trying to be courteous, but can we just talk for a moment?”

Now wasn’t the time for quips. “Of course.” I sat down in my easy chair, but Fluttershy rose and tugged on my hand, sitting me down on the couch next to her.

She sighed, leaned forward and pressed her fingers against her forehead. “You know what you did was wrong, right?”

“I stand by it.”

She sighed again. “That’s not what I asked.”

“Yes, I know it was wrong.” I replied.

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because she was giving one of my friends a hard time.”

“Do you even know that for sure? Do you know what they were talking about?”

“I can read body language like an open book, I don’t need to hear them to know that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have been picking on Apple Bloom and the others for some time now.”

“Reading ‘body language’, whatever that is, doesn’t give you all the evidence you need to make a judgement call like that.”

“It does in my book. If you knew what body language was, and knew how honest it is, you’d probably use it to make calls too.”

“I don’t, so please don’t try to use that excuse.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not, Max, honestly. I just… It’s hard to see that side of you. I knew it was there, and I know it’s probably always going to be there, but…”

“I’m a bad person.”

“No, you’re not.” Fluttershy said, exasperated.

“How is threatening someone on pain of death not something a bad person would do?”

“It is something a bad ‘person’ would do, it doesn’t make you a bad ‘person’ though!”

“Most of my actions would classify me as a prick. How many times have I argued with you and the girls? How many fights have started because of me? How much strife have I sewn since I’ve been here!? I’m not a good person, and I keep trying to tell you this, but-”

“Shut up. Just SHUT UP!” Fluttershy shouted, louder than I’d ever heard her. “Do you even think about how hard this is for me? Do you think about how much you hurt your friends when you act like this? You said you were trying to get better, but I can’t remember you trying that hard before you left, and now you’re not trying at all!”

“...I would say that I am, but when I went to the Everfree, I stopped caring. I realized that life is too short for me to lie to people I despise, that it’s a waste of my time to sit back and let things play out. If we don’t play and active role in our own lives, and the lives of the people we hold dear, then we’re wasting so much valuable time worrying, being frustrated for nothing. I learned that if we don’t preserve what and who we hold dear with all of our strength, someone will come along and take it from us.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “You- You. You’re a bucking idiot. You are a bucking foal if you truly believe that. I’ll tell you right now Mr. ‘Active Role’, Mr. ‘Paranoid to the Moon and Back’, that nopony in Equestria is going to steal from you, nopony in Ponyville will ever strike out at you when you least expect it, and most of all nopony period is going to try and take your peace from you, so why don’t you get that into your thick skull and quit being such a jerk! Half of the things you get mad about are contrived annoyances that you take too seriously anyway! So what Pinkie read your little journal? Boo hoo, let’s all be sad for Max. So what I told our friends that you were lying to them? I’ve never wanted to be around a liar anyway, and the girls feel the same way! You’re so caught up in yourself that you don’t care how your actions affect others, and I’m willing to bet that you don’t even really care about what I think of you! I bet you were just trying to get out of talking about the asinine, evil stunt you pulled with Diamond Tiara!”

I sat back and ground my teeth, hearing a few unpleasant truths in her words, but more bullshit than I was willing to let slide. “Alrighty love, let’s take it from the top: You’re forgetting that my ‘peace’ has been stolen from me by you girls more than anyone else, and you’re supposed to be my friends, so forgive me if I don’t think the rest of the world is up to scratch since the Elements of fucking Harmony themselves are shitheads half the time! You think the things I get mad over are bullshit? Then why don’t you take another look at what exactly I’ve forgiven: I’ve forgiven Applejack for nearly killing me, Twilight for nearly getting me killed and indirectly accusing me of date rape, Rarity for lying to me directly, treating me like a pariah, and spitting on a gesture of friendship, Pinkie Pie for sexually harassing me, stealing something I hold more precious than anything else, and selling me out with information she gained illegally. I forgave Rainbow Dash for trying to sneak me, causing massive damage to the only real home I’ve had in over a decade, and pummeling when we first met! I’ve let so much shit slide for you girls, and you don’t even appreciate the effort it takes for me! So what if I didn’t want my past known? You, as a friend, should have known that little good would come of it, and yet you still acted blindly, not even caring about what I thought, so you can shove that little tidbit straight up your arse! At the very least I know I’m being a right and proper bastard, but you girls are so fucking blind to your own flaws that when I get mad for shit you should have known better than to do, that I’m still the bad guy! And finally, we come to the last bit. If you think that me trying to get out of talking to you about what I said to Diamond Tiara is abnormal, then you obviously didn’t pay any fucking attention to what I said earlier!”

“...Is that really what the girls and I have done to you?” Fluttershy asked slowly.

“The big stuff, yeah.” I said, cooling down after a few moments.

“What do you really think about us?” She inquired softly.

“All together or separately?”

“...It doesn’t matter to me.”

I sighed and scratched the nape of my neck. “All together, I think you’re a good bunch, you just don’t think enough before you act, something I’m guilty of too, which I’d like to apologize for. Separately, I’ll start with Twilight. Twilight is a brilliant idiot with a big heart and a logical mind, but she’s naive and can be awfully shortsighted when she has a goal in mind or if she's in one of those moods. Rarity is kind, sociable and tactful for the most part, but she’s also extremely biased, and once she makes a decision it would take a lot for her to realize she’s in the wrong. Applejack is, of course, honest and hardworking, but I feel like she has the same problem that I do when it comes to things that she just won’t talk about. That woman has my kind of darkness in her, but she doesn’t let it get to her.”

I stopped and looked at Fluttershy. “Please keep going.”

“Okay. Pinkie Pie is a child. She doesn’t think before she acts, pays little attention to the consequences and is generally pretty narrow minded when it comes to what other people want, but she is kind and can be thoughtful when the mood strikes her. Rainbow Dash is rash, arrogant, and an idiot, but she’s loyal and perseverant-”

“You switched order for Pinkie and Rainbow.”

“I’m starting with what sticks out to me most.”

“Oh. If you don’t mind…”

“I’ll carry on. I think you’re kind and sweet, but with some darkness to you too. I can’t say for sure who has more of it in them between you and Applejack, but I’ve seen more of yours than hers.”

“Oh…”

“It’s not a bad thing, Fluttershy. People have to have darkness for there to be any light. I think that’s why the good things I do stick out so much: when in comparison to the bad things I do, they shine more and give people false hope in me. Getting back to you, I think that you’re a complicated person. When you’re around people you’re not comfortable with, or more than two or three, you retreat into your shell and people think you’re just a shy doormat, but you’re a tough woman in your own way. You’re not afraid to stand up for what you think is right, but the main problem with that is that you have to be pushed so far to act, that if you would have done or said something earlier, things probably wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Basically, you’re a reactionary person, but you can still fight back when push comes to shove.”

“So you’re saying that I should be more like you?”

“No, I’m saying I think you need to be more proactive.”

Fluttershy rubbed at her eye. “Do you really think we see you as the bad guy every time something happens?”

“At least half of you do at any given time.”

“I don’t do that…”

“Applejack.”

“How does that count?”

“You tried to force me to go see her when I had every right to avoid her. You were on her side then, even though I was the one in the right.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. I meant it when I said I let a lot of things go, but that doesn’t mean you girls see it.”

“We do! We… Would you want to talk about your mistakes?”

“I’m forced to constantly. It’s a large part of our interactions.”

“...I think I should go home.”

“I’m not angry with you, Fluttershy. You spoke your mind and I respect that.”

“I’m still upset with you, though. I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, Max, I just did. I wish you would make things easier on both of us, but listening to you, I realized that I don’t do as much as I can. Maybe we should just… I don’t know, take a break for a while?”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll accept it.”

“...What do you want?”

“I want you to see things from my perspective.”

“I meant do you want to separate?”

“No. I think we can talk this out, we just have to be willing to get uncomfortable and listen to what the other has to say.”

“I think we’ve said as much as we needed to…”

“I think I still have something on my heart that I need to say.”

Fluttershy’s frown deepened, but she nodded her assent.

“Look, Fluttershy, you mean a lot to me. You’re easily in my top three favorite ponies, and if you don’t think much of me-”

“Max, you know better than that.” She interrupted. “You know I love you.”

“You just said that you didn’t choose to; that you were essentially forced into it. I couldn’t blame you if you started feeling some resentment towards me for that.”

“I don’t resent you, I’m just frustrated. You seem like such a great stallion sometimes, but then you do and say some awful things, and I wonder if you’ll ever change.”

“I will, but it may not be in the way you hoped. I warned you that I wasn’t a Pony, that I wasn’t your brand of good, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when I have a lapse in judgement. “

“That’s just it, Max, I hold you to a higher standard than you do because I think you’re better than what you pretend to be. You’re not a good pony, but you’re not bad… You’re… Grey?”

“That sounds about right, to be honest with you. I’ve always walked a fine line ever since I started thieving, and in my home, it helped to have a mean streak in you just so people don’t mess with you twice.”

“There’s the problem: You don’t need your mean streak here! Ponies will usually talk things out with you, or they’ll leave you alone if you don’t like them, so you don’t need to-”

“Actually, Fluttershy, I got jumped in a back alley during my first few weeks here, and my mean streak did me pretty well, so I think I’ll keep it. It’s not useful all the time, but I’d rather keep my blades sharp just in case I ever really need them, you know?”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Wait, you mean you were attacked and you didn’t tell anypony!?”

“I handled it and it never happened again. Hell, I came out of that fight without a scratch, so no, I didn’t think it was worth worrying anyone over.”

“...Do you know who the ponies were?”

“No, but I do suspect that they were sent by Onyx Lock’s old employee. It happened a while ago, so don’t worry about it now.”

“How many times have you been attacked?”

“In Ponyville? I don’t know, like, four times I guess? There was those three guys, Applejack once, and Rainbow twice, so-”

“Two of our friends have hurt you three times?”

“If you would quit interrupting me, that would be great.”

“Sorry…”

“Apology accepted. Yes, our friends have made up the majority of my assailants. It’s mostly just Rainbow, though.”

“...We really are terrible friends…” Fluttershy sniffed.

“Just to me, as far as I know.”

“That’s no excuse!” She cried. “How are you supposed to get better if your friends set a terrible example for you!?” Fluttershy’s eyes were full of tears.

I took her hand and pressed my lips against it for a moment, waiting for her to calm down. “Fluttershy, I’m a grown man. I may have more to learn, but I’ll make my own mistakes, and I won’t let you make yourself feel bad just because you girls aren’t perfect. No one is.”

She gripped my hand tightly. “...In the same minute, you’ll go from arguing to consoling the same pony you were arguing with.”

“What can I say? I’m one talented bastard.”

“Bastard doesn’t sound like a nice word.”

“It isn’t.” I gave her a half smile that she meekly returned.

Fluttershy laid her head on my shoulder and dried her eyes. “You make it hard to give up on you.”

“Like I said; talented bastard. I’ll admit, just this once, that I’m more nice than mean, and if you ever tell anyone I said that, I’ll tie you up and shave you bald.”

“Big, tough Max doesn’t want ponies to know he has feelings other than angry?”

“That’s the gist of it. It’s a guy thing.”

“Maybe from your world, but guys here are… Well, you might have a point.”

“Of course I do, I couldn’t be the best without being right all the time.”

“And you call Rainbow arrogant!”

“False bravado and arrogance are two different things. I hate myself with a passion, poppet.”

Fluttershy lifted her head and looked at me. “Why do you say that?”

“Because I’m a toxic person. Every manner of relationship I have, I ruin in one way or another. I’ve helped people but I’ve done more harm than good for a long time even if I do try to be be more nice than mean. I mean, look at my interactions with you girls. I’ve pissed you all off at least once, and I wasn’t even trying, it just happened. Celestia told me that I’ve made her cry more since I’ve met her than she has since Luna was sent to the moon, so all that evidence makes me feel like there’s little for you to love. I don’t really know why you like me, I just know that I want to give you as few reasons as possible to not stop.” Not that the girls haven't largely been pieces of shit to me too, but I'd already passed that.

Fluttershy laid her head back on my shoulder but didn’t say anything. We sat in silence for some time, but it wasn’t the awkward silence that often occurred after an argument; it was more like we both had things on our mind that just didn’t need to be shared anymore. Night fell, and we had shifted around until I eventually ended up laying my head on Fluttershy’s lap with her gently stroking my hair and singing the most enticing lullaby. Things weren’t magically okay, but we had worked through issues that had been bothering us and got enough of it off of our chests that I, at least, was tired. Sharing my feelings was never easy for me, and I doubted that Fluttershy got a chance to do it often, so our shouting match had been pretty therapeutic, though I wished we could have talked it out without becoming so upset. Such is life sometimes.

Fluttershy eventually left and I went back to writing. As mentally tired as I was, my body still had energy to burn, and I had some new ideas for my book. That, and I still needed to find a publisher or something for ‘A Single Breath’, which could wait a while. I was chilling in my living room, casually getting words on paper when I heard to thumps at my door, and saw it open. Lupa let herself in, closed the door behind her and hopped up on the couch.

“You know, as little time as you spend home, you sure are making yourself comfortable.” I subtly jabbed.

“What are you, my mother?” She barked back.

“I worry about you when you disappear like you often do.”

“While I appreciate your concern, it’s not worth it. It’s been quite some time since I was on any predators menu.”

“Doesn’t mean I won’t worry about you. You’re like a sister to me, Lupa, and one of the few friends I have that has stuck by my side, no matter what.”

She snorted and rolled an eye to look at me. “I may be young for my breed, but I know that you will outlast me, Master. You should be preparing for my death in advance.”

“...You’re one morbid bitch, you know that?”

“I feel like I should take offense to that.”

“Why waste your time? You’re going to die anyway.” I shot back.

Lupa snorted and we left it at that. I was glad to have her back, but it frustrated me that she cared so little about my feelings, though it made sense if you looked at things from a different perspective. She was basically telling me that I shouldn’t get used to always having her around since her lifespan was shorter than mine, but that was true for everyone except Celestia, so why wouldn’t I just get used to not seeing everyone I cared about if they were only going to die long before I ever did?

I had to stop writing when I was seized by a mild panic attack, caused by delving too deep into the inevitable. Lupa came to my side once she heard me start hyperventilating, but that just made things worse. I retired to my room after a few minutes and eventually calmed down late into the night.

The next morning, I woke up exhausted, so I went back to sleep. I got up a little after noon and wondered what I should do with my day. I hadn’t visited two thirds of my friends since I’d been back, so I decided to make Twilight my first visit of the day. Completing my morning ritual at a leisurely pace, I left my house and went to go see if my little wizard was at home. Lupa and I ate brunch and got the show on the road within the hour, so the Sun was high when we arrived.

For once, Twilight answered the door and welcomed me in. Spike gave me a lazy wave as I passed him, so I assumed that a month’s worth of time was plenty for him to get the fuck over his little bullshit. I waved back and Lupa split off to go screw around with him for a while if her playful nips were anything to go by. I think Spike may be one of the few things she can chew on that won’t immediately die, so there’s always that. Spike, on the other hand, grew more afraid of Lupa the more he saw her, most likely due to her nibbling on him whenever they meet. I found it amusing.

Twilight and I sat down in the kitchen and she made us some tea, though sadly, there were no biscuits to go along with it. Non-English oversight punishable by sarcasm. I would have let her have it both barrels, but I was feeling like a nice guy, so I let her little misstep flow away like water under the bridge.

“So Max, how are you doing since you’ve been back? I can’t imagine that transitioning from civilization to the wild and back again is terribly easy.”

“It’s been kinda sucky so far, but I’m getting back into the groove of things. Humans are, if nothing else, some adaptable creatures. I’d like to say we conquered most of the known world back on Earth, but there’s so much of the sea and space that we don’t know about that it’d be a pretty inaccurate thing to say.”

“I’m sorry that you haven’t had it easy coming back, but I’m sure things will get better! They tend to.” Twilight gave me a bright smile.

I scowled in return. “Things only get better for a little while, if my time here’s anything to go by. I don’t want to be a prick, but my time in the Everfree showed me some things that I haven’t really thought about since I’ve been here.”

Her smile weakened. “What do you mean?”

I shook my head. “I mean a lot of things, but don’t let me ruin your good mood. You look especially lovely today Twi.”

She blushed, but her pursed lips and narrowed eyes told me that she wasn’t willing to be waylaid by my compliment. “Didn’t you say you were going to work on opening up to ponies?”

“Haven’t you learned that forcing me to talk only ends in disaster? Fluttershy just relearned that lesson and I would hate for you to do the same.”

Twilight opened her mouth to argue, but I took a page from Fluttershy’s book and shot her my darkest glare. Her jaw clamped shut with her gulping and diverting her attention. “The weather’s been just wonderful, hasn’t it? Rainbow and her team sure are doing a good job.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “They have. The morning are starting to remind me of home more and more every day.”

“Max, it’s been getting progressively colder and soggier in the mornings.”

“Someone’s never been to ‘Bridleland’” I held up air quotes.

Twilight’s face flushed and she drew a little circle on the table with her finger. “I transferred into Princess Celestia’s personal class before the regular one went on that trip.”

“Then we’ll have to make a go of it sometime, yeah? I may not know what’s over there or how it’s going to flow, but if it’s anything like home, I can get us around without any hassle. My England wasn’t always the nicest place, and the traditional food was a bit shit to be honest, but the people always understood fear and respect.”

“...Which one did you use more often?”

“The first thing that you have to understand is that I’m only tall in comparison to your average pony, and that being an omnivore with the sharp teeth,” I tapped one of my canines, “really only lends itself if you’re talking to someone without them. That being said, I had to use respect more than fear because in my world. I’m not exactly a pissed off Macintosh with a halberd, as you may have noticed. In fact, I was about as threatening as you without a horn.”

Twilight lifted her eyebrows. “So you weren’t scary in England. Huh.”

“I’m not exactly scary here you know. You ponies have flight, magic, and strength on me, and the only thing stopping you from using them against me is your own shitty moral code.”

“Wait, I think you insulted me!”

“Look love, you’re not the most intimidating thing out there, and I should know better than most, but it’s not like you need to be scary for anything. You’re short and adorable so just be happy with that.”

That brought a smile to her face. “I’m not short, though. I’ll have you know that I am the average for a female pony of my age.”

“The average height is pretty low if that’s the case.” She shot me a mock glare that I returned with a grin.

“It’s perfectly average, thank you very much. It’s called an average for a reason.”

“Right. Do you have any plans for today, Shorty?”

“I do, and don’t call me that.”

“You have Shorty, Shrimp, and Small Fry to pick from.”

“You remember how the only thing holding ponies back from using magic against you was a ‘shitty’ moral code?”

“Isn’t the weather just wonderful? Rainbow must be working her arse off to keep the skies so pretty.”

“That’s what I thought.” She grinned and nodded. “I was planning on making my first visit to the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy in a few hours, which should be a new experience at the least. I’ve never been to a spa, and Rarity has been trying to get me to go for so long, I figured now would be a good time.”

“Doesn’t sound like much fun to me, but I’m severely lacking in an extra X chromosome, so that might explain my general unease about going somewhere like that.”

“What’s an X chromosome?”

“One of the two types of chromosomes that determine the sex of a child in development. You have two X chromosomes, and I have one and a Y chromosome. I can’t really tell you much more than that, to be honest. I may know what they are but I’m not exactly a biologist or whatever.”

“Well can you tell me what a chromosome is?” Twilight asked.

“To my knowledge, they’re the basic building blocks of genetic code that make you who you are.”

“Fascinating!”

“Can’t really tell you much more than that, but if Equestrian technology ever gets to the point where you can study microorganisms, then you’ll probably have a heyday or something.”

“Microorganisms? You mean tiny life forms and things like that?”

“Yes, I mean exactly that. There are things all around you that just aren’t able to be seen with the naked eye, like bacteria and shit.”

“Doesn’t …’shit’ mean… well, you know…”

“Yes, but the word itself can also mean different things depending on how you use it. When I said shit, I meant various other things, not fecal matter”

“Ahh, that clarifies things a bit.”

Twilight launched into a full on interrogation about any and everything science related, giving me quite the headache after an hour of intense scholarly questioning. The woman took notes over everything I said, but I couldn’t understand why for the life of me. I had told her that Equestria lacked the technology to even get started on researching half of the crap I told her about, but, like a dog with a brand new bone, she wasn’t letting go anytime soon. Fluttershy and Rarity became my saviors when they came to collect her for their relaxing day at the spa, but Twilight wanted to stay behind and ask more inane, useless questions before she went. After I eventually caught Fluttershy’s eye, she prodded the girls in the right direction, and I finally regained my freedom.

With my liberty returned, I wandered off in the general direction of Sugarcube Corner so I could see what Pinkie was up to, but Lupa saw where we were going and told me that she was going to Fluttershy’s, not that I blame her. I figured she was up to work, so that would be a quick little visit that still accomplished my goals. Upon entering the bakery, I waved to Mr. Cake who gave me a confused smile and waved back cautiously. I walked up to the fellow and started a conversation.

“Hullo, Mr. Cake. How’s the day been?”

“It’s been pretty good, if I do say so myself. You know, I think your name slipped my tongue. Would you mind telling it to me again? I’ll do my best to remember it.”

“It’s no problem, friend. Name’s Max.”

Mr. Cake’s face fell abruptly. “Oh. Didn’t recognize you with the beard.”

“Can’t say I’ve gotten much of that, but the people I converse with are the ones I see most often, so I can’t really blame you.”

He nodded silently, biting his lower lip. Mr. Cake’s eyes skid around the room, looking for a medium of escape.

“You know, I don’t think I ever apologized for breaking in that one night. Sorry for that, mate, but I was looking for Pinkie.”

His eyes widened he set his jaw off to the side. “Takes a big stallion to own up to something like that.”

“I did it, I should take responsibility. Just never tell anyone I said that to you, yeah? It’ll ruin my image of being a scary badass.”

“I don't think you’ll have to worry about that too much, buddy. You run with the Elements of Harmony, and those girls get a bad enough rap as it is. You haven’t even heard half of the crazy stunts they’ve pulled around town.”

“I thought Twilight and the girls had a pretty good reputation around Ponyville?”

“Their reputation is fine: everypony knows they’re great mares. It’s some of the things that they do that scare the folk around here. You know that Twilight and Pinkie nearly blew my kitchen up on three separate occasions? Of course I can’t ban Pinkie from there, but she’s not going in the back while Twilight is here.” He harrumphed.

“Come on, mate, you’ve got to tell me the stories behind those!” I smiled.

He balked at the sight of my teeth, but relaxed when I settled for a closed mouth grin. “Well, the first time, Pinkie told me that they were trying to see how they could make marshmallows fluffier, but that ended with a sticky mess and gooey white stuff oozing from every door in here. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to deal with all of it!”

“Sticky white stuff that needs to be dissolved by water? I can imagine the clean up process on that, and it doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“It really wasn’t. My foals got into and the Missus had to wash it out of their hair. The worst part was that she blamed me for the whole thing, even though she was the one that told those mares that they could use our kitchen!”

“Mate, that’s just women for you. Even if there’s no way you could be at fault, it was all your doing.”

"You’re telling me, brother. The second time, Twilight wanted to test and see if the amount of yeast added to a loaf of bread affected the taste as much as the density. That one wasn’t as bad as the marshmallows, but it was still all over the kitchen.”

“How do you even mess up that badly? Aren’t you only supposed to use like, a tablespoon of the stuff at a time?”

“She used an industrial sized bag. All of it.”

I gave Mr. Cake a ‘what the fuck’ look. He pursed his lips and nodded a few times. “Twilight might be smart, but she sure as sunshine isn’t the brightest.”

I scoffed and nodded. “You’re telling me. She nearly got me wiped off of the face of the planet once.”

“How’d she do that?” He asked, befuddled.

“The night of my welcoming party, she was coming on to me rather heavily, so after things were said and done, we went off to have some drunken fun-”

“Hey, that rhymed! You were a poet and you weren’t even aware!” Pinkie exclaimed from behind the counter. Mr. Cake barely spared her a glance, but I stared for a moment before shaking my head, chalking it up to Pinkie just being herself.

“Sure, Pinks. As I was saying-”

“Hold on, are you sure you should say something like this in front of one of your friends? One of your female friends?” Mr. Cake asked.

I rolled my eyes. “Pinkie’s female?”

“Hey!” She blurted. “I’m just masculine!”

“With that six pack and those taut biceps? Girl, you make my lady parts quiver.”

Mr. Cake looked between us. “I see why you two are friends now.”

“Is it our off color humor?” Pinkie inquired.

“Nah, it’s gotta be the mild insanity. I say mild for my benefit, by the way.”

Pinkie just grinned like an idiot, so I continued with my story. “Where was I?”

Mr Cake coughed. “Drunken fun.”

“Right. So we went off to do some of that, but Twilight was too hammered to go any further, so I ended up carrying her back to her room that night. Well, the next morning, she wakes up with a headache and some odd feelings, but no memory of how the night went, so she tells Celestia-”

“You mean the Princess Celestia?” Mr. Cake asked.

“I do. So Twilight told her, and Celestia shows up the next day saying that I defiled her student or some shit, but I cleared that up after a bit. By Celestia’s orders, I’m not allowed to give Twilight the sex, so make of that what you will. I just think she’s jealous.”

“...You know what you just said is pure treason, right?” Mr. Cake asked slowly.

“She’s basically my fiancee. I get certain liberties from that.”

“Wait, you’re going to marry Twilight and that means you can say what you want about the Princess?”

“No, I’m going to marry Celestia so I can say what I want about Twilight.”

Even Pinkie scratched her head at that one, but it’s not like I was going to explain away my fun. “So Pinkie, what’s up?”

“You know, just working!” She beamed and Mr. Cake gave her some serious side eye.

I lifted my brows and found particular interest in the ceiling. “Yeah, working. I’ll leave you to that, then. Have a nice day, you two.”

“Wait, aren’t you going to order something?” Mr. Cake asked before I could get up.

“Oh yeah. I suppose I could have a smoothie or something”

I did have a smoothie and it was good.

With two of my friends off my list, I still had to go see Rainbow Dash, so I asked Pinkie where she was before she left. Pinkie told me that she was in the fifth tree in the second row at Sweet apple Acres, and that she would be there for a few more hours since she was napping. How she knew this, I do not know, nor do I care.

I found Rainbow in the specified tree and climbed up to Rainbow’s branch, but instead of waking the snoozing speedster, I went a little higher until I found a nice little perch for myself. I settled in for the long haul, though I never dozed off. I did, however, enjoy the early autumn breeze and the warmth in the air that would fade all too soon in favor of biting winds and frostbite. After a two hours and thirty two minutes, Rainbow started stirring below me, and it the day was nearing its end. I never understood how some people could sleep whenever they felt like it, and Rainbow was no exception. When she began her descent, I drew a deep breath and let out the loudest shout that I could manage from the top of my lungs.

Startled, Rainbow fell from the tree and landed flat on her face, which I found to be quite amusing. Something considerably less amusing was the look on Rainbow’s face when she picked herself up. She glowered up at me and I waved with a smile, though I made haste when she started climbing again. Fortunately, Rainbow wasn’t very nimble in the tree’s limbs, and I was showing why I had been nicknamed ‘The Gecko’, so I stayed out of her reach and even leaped into the next tree over when she cornered me on the edge of a branch. When Rainbow made her jump, she over shot it and wound up a a meter and a half above me, giving me enough time to get out of the tree and onto the the floor where I could hopefully make it to the farmhouse without being caught.

Things changed once I was out of the tree, and it wasn’t for the better. Rainbow Dash took off while still in the foliage of the apple tree and caught up with me in no time, and the only thing that prevented me from being caught was quick thinking and agility whenever she swooped down to grab me. Rainbow ended up in trees more often than not, so I used the time that I earned to sprint away, but when she changed tactics to follow me on foot, I knew my advantage was about to be gone even with the decent head start I had gotten. There was little I could do besides run up a tree and hope she followed, but the farmhouse was within my sights so I pushed myself harder. I never made it there, but points for effort, right?

Rainbow Dash tackled me from behind and dragged me to the floor. I was feeling a bit winded from all the running, but that didn’t stop me from fighting back. She and I were about evenly matched, but my high protein diet and wily ways proved to be more than she could handle. I took my place on top and smiled down at her as I held her hands above her head.

“No fair!” Rainbow shouted, struggling against my grip.

“Hey, you tackled me! You had the upper hand and you let it go to waste, so you can only blame yourself here.”

“Get off!”

“Make me, Baby Blue!”

Rainbow struggled harder, but I held her wrists firmly and she couldn’t get much in the way of leverage in the loose dirt that we were on, so she was well and truly stuck. I gave her my most shit-eatingest grin and she stuck her tongue out at me.

“Alright, you’ve made your point, so let me up already!”

“I will, just promise me that you won’t make me regret doing so.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, I promise that I won’t make you regret letting me up.”

I glanced at her fingers and saw that her index and middle fingers on both hands were crossed. “Yeah, no crossing your fingers when you make promises. That’s a no-no.”

Rainbow uncrossed her fingers and huffed. “I promise, okay?”

I let go of her wrists and backed off, offering her a hand up. Rainbow got to her feet and shot me a dirty look. “What did you want anyway? You could have just woken me up if you wanted my attention that badly, you know.”

“I don’t like waking people up, it’s rude. And I didn’t really want your attention that badly, I just wanted to mess with you for a bit.”

“Dude, that’s messed up.”

“It was fun. If you were in my position, you would have done something along the same lines, though I think you would have gotten me while I was sleeping like the dirty trickster you are.”

“Me? The dirty trickster? I think you might be looking in a mirror, bub.”

“This mirror makes me feel cocky and bull headed.” I grinned.

“Yeah yeah yeah, laugh it up. I’ll get you next time!”

“Well, we already know I can’t run, so hiding is going to be my best bet. I’m sure I have some hiding places that you couldn’t get me in.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Why would I tell you that?” I spread my hands.

“I dunno, maybe you can’t keep a secret.”

I gave her a flat look and she blushed. “E-Everypony slips up now and again.”

“You keep forgetting that I’m not a Pony. I don’t slip up, I make bad choices.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference is fuck you.”

“Dude! That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Neither do Pinkie and Rarity but you still hang out with them, now don’t you?”

“Rarity makes sense if you look at it from a frou-frou frilly kinda perspective.”

“Fair enough. I’d ask you if there’s anything you want to do today, but we’re going to be out of daylight soon enough.”

“Sweet! Night’s my favorite time of day! You can sleep all you want, nopony’s up to bother you, and you can practice all you want outside of town!”

“I’m more of a night owl myself, though I prefer it for its serenity and climate. Never have been fond of overly warm weather.”

“I’m gonna warn you now; things get cold here in Ponyville.”

“Do you know anything about the winters in Bridleland?”

“Not really, I just know that they’re pretty brutal some years. Why the weather ponies operate like that doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“It just so happens that I’m practically from Bridleland, so I think I’ll be fine.”

“Suit yourself, dude. Just don’t come cryin’ to me like everypony else when the first few snowflakes show up on your lawn.”

“Unless you make it go higher my house, we’ll be fine. Just give me a heads up before the real bad stuff comes in, yeah? I need to make sure I have enough food and water on stock.”

“Didn’t you have weather ponies drop off supplies where you’re from?”

“Uh, no? We don’t have weather ponies at all since all of our Ponies have four hooves and can’t fly, let alone people that can actually move clouds like you can. Magic doesn’t exist in my world, remember?”

“Uh, no? I don’t think you’ve ever told me that.”

“Must have been Twilight then. The woman asks so many fucking questions!”

“Yeah, well, I have a thing I gotta go do.” I deadpanned. “No seriously! I’m supposed to help Pinkie bake something since Twilight isn’t allowed to help her any more.”

“Oh, I heard about that. Don’t do anything that might get you kicked out of the bakery, yeah?”

“Whatever, dude, it’s not like I’m experimenting or testing anything. It’s just baking.”

I rolled my eyes and started walking to the farmhouse. “You only ever need one tablespoon of yeast.”

Rainbow didn’t answer, and when I looked back, I could see dust swirling as well as her chromatic trail fading off into the distance. I made a face, thinking about how easily she could have caught me if she was being serious about it, but she wasn’t and I still got taken down. It was a sobering experience, having your pride take a hit from someone shorter than you, especially since I knew there could be a repeat performance sometime in my near future.

With the possible consequences of my actions ringing through my head, I rapped briskly on Applejack’s door and awaited a response, which came after a few moments. My favorite old lady (besides Celestia) answered the door with a grin and sat me down in the kitchen, fixing up a nice cup of ice cold cider for me. It may have just been apple juice, but I prefer to refer to Applejack’s juices when I speak of the topic, though she’s told me to stop a few times. I chuckled to myself while Granny Smith rambled on about some fairly interesting history that would have been more engaging if she could have followed a single train of thought for more than fifteen seconds at a time. In any case, I had a good time trading stories with Granny, but I found that I didn’t need to censor anything with her like I did with the girls, stroke Applejack. I suppose I could see where she got her world wise ways from, if Granny Smith was anything to go by.

While I was telling Granny Smith about the time I stole a man’s watch from him during a conversation, Applejack and Apple Bloom swung in, though Apple Bloom was only there for a quick snack for her and her friends so she only stayed for a few minutes. Applejack, on the other hand, only caught the tail end of my story before I cut it off for Apple Bloom’s sake, so I told my story again and garnered a withering glare from Applejack, though Granny Smith was chuckling through most of it. When the older Apple started with some interesting lines, Applejack hurriedly made an excuse for us to be anywhere but there, and thus we were on a walk through town with the sun setting and the townsfolk petering out of the streets.

“So what brought ya by?” Applejack asked as we entered the town. “I don’t think you just wanted to listen to Granny, and I kinda doubt that you just wanted to swing by.”

“Actually, I was planning on taking a few days to visit everyone and you were the last one on my list from our circle of friends, so yeah, I did kinda just swing by.”

“Aw, would ya look at that. Max here is checkin’ up on his little buddies.” Applejack jibed.

“You’re one of those little buddies, just so you know. Now I’m regretting saving you for last.”

“Why did you put me last anyway? I thought you woulda saved Fluttershy or Twilight for my spot.”

“I saved the best for last, of course.” I answered with a grin. “You’ve been a better friend to me than any of the girls besides that one thing, so you’re pretty much my best friend here.”

Applejack went quiet, though we kept walking. The silence didn’t feel awkward, but I could tell that there was something on her mind.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, AJ?” I inquired.

“Just wonderin’ how the pony that put you halfway in the grave became your best friend.”

“It’s a curious conundrum, isn’t it? It either means that you’re a great friend, or that the rest of the girls are terrible people.” I commented casually.

“I’m hopin’ that it means I’m a great friend, ‘cause I ain’t too fond of you talkin’ trash about the girls”

“Look, love, they’re our friends. You’d be lying to yourself if you said they haven’t shown some pretty bad qualities.”

“I ain’t sayin’ that they don’t, it’s just that ya shouldn’t be talkin’ about friends like that.”

“I would never say anything to you that I wouldn’t say to any of them in person, and you should know me well enough to believe that. You and the girls have some pretty glaring character flaws if you ask me.”

“Oh yeah? What’s so bad about me?” Applejack stopped and put her hands on her hips.

“Your temper, for one. In fact, I’m pretty sure that you’re getting heated over this conversation, so let’s just let it go.”

“I don’t think so, buster! You done opened this can of worms, so I think you should-”

“Drop the subject before I actually go and piss you off?” I interrupted. “Seriously, you’re just trying to be mad at this point. Just let it be, love.”

“Don’t call me love.” Applejack snapped.

“Would you prefer something else?” I responded evenly.

“I dunno, yeah?” She huffed.

“How about Bunbun or Peaches?”

Applejack cooled off quickly, though she seemed annoyed now. “I have a cousin named Sweet Peach, and Bunbun sounds too close to BonBon.”

“Hmm… How about we scratch anything fruit related right now?”

“Good idea. Sorry about gettin’ so upset, I-”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s move on, yeah?”

Applejack gave me a grateful smile and we started walking again. “Let’s not do that, actually. It’s not like I’m your fillyfriend or anything, so I don't really need one.”

“That’s true, but I already gave Rarity a pet name and she’s not my girlfriend, so I think you deserve one too.” I returned her smile with a muted one of my own.

“Oh really? What do you call Rarity?”

“Bonny. It means beautiful.”

“That’s pretty fittin’, not that I find her attractive.” She added quickly. “I just recognize that she looks good, that’s all.”

“Are you telling me that you wouldn’t shag her if you had the chance?” I lifted a brow.

“Sugarcube, I’ve had the chance and I passed, though I mighta just read the situation wrong. How about we leave this topic behind and go back to pet names?”

“I thought you didn’t want one.” I teased.

“I’d rather get a pet name than explain that one”

“You know, normally I would press you for that story since it seems harmless enough-”

“It really ain’t.”

“You had my interest, and now you have my attention.” I grinned.

“Not happenin’. How about firefly? I don’t know anypony with that name and I like it. Around here, if you call one of your mares firefly, it means that they help guide ya through tough times.”

“You have done that for me. I guess you can be my little firefly.”

Applejack grimaced. “When ya say it like that, it gets awful patronizin’.”

“You picked it out, firefly. Now you gotta deal with it.”

“If that’s the way it is, then why don’t I give you one?”

“I’m open to the idea. I’m fond of Stud, Stud muffin, Sex Ba-Bomb, Italian Stallion, and Dikfuk.”

She gave me a stern look. “Yeah, no. None of those sound quite right. How about Sugar Butt?”

I returned her look with one of my own. “No.”

“Champ?”

“What am I, your kid brother?”

“What about Good Lookin’?”

“Generic as Hell. How do you feel about Ace?”

“We’ll come back to it. How does Killer sound to you?”

“Never call me that, please.” I requested softly.

Applejack’s eyes widened. “I-I’m sorry, I forgot about that.”

“Skip it and move on. Hell, I’d even take 'twinkle' at this point.”

She gasped and pointed at me. “That’s it! It’s perfect!”

“Wait, what? No it’s so not perfect!”

“No, it is! You always get that little twinkle in your eye when you’re about to do somethin’ stupid!”

“...It’s going to stick, isn’t it? Can’t we go back to Ace?”

Applejack grinned and lightly cuffed my shoulder. “Sorry twinkle, but I just don’t think it’s goin’ away.”

It was my turn to grimace. “I won’t call you my little firefly in public if you don’t call me twinkle.”

“It’s more of a private thing anyways.”

“I just wish you hadn’t picked something so embarrassing.”

Applejack gave me a brilliant smile and we walked on through the town. We chatted all the way to the park where we sat and watched the sunset, which was another romantic thing that I probably should have done with someone that I was actually dating, but that thought brought another in turn: Why not date Applejack? Besides the one thing, she had done little besides be a pretty good friend to me, the sex was fucking phenomenal, she looked good, and she was loyal. There were a lot of things that I could see in Applejack that were good girlfriend material, but I didn’t want to stretch myself too thin by dating too many woman. My heart ached a little, but I thought it would be for the best if I left our relationship where it was, rather than push for something I didn’t even know if she’d accept. I suppose now that I should have looked at the clues that the universe seemed to be throwing in my face, but even as I gaze back in hindsight, I still believe I made the correct choice when I held my tongue. Of course it would irritate me to see her with someone else, but...

Ah fuck. I’ve fallen in love with my best friend.

Chapter Twenty-One: A Task From The Past

Author's Notes:

Another chapter, another fuckton of words. I have little to say now, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask away in the comments or whatever.

As always, leave a thumb, show some support or hatred, do whatever it is you do.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Edit: You do the hokey pokey

I had no idea what to do with my day, and it already seemed like it was going to be a long one. After my little revelation last night, sleep eluded me and my stomach twisted itself into knots, raveling and wrapping itself into neat little bows that filled me with the desire to do anything else but lay down. On the bright side, I used the carpentry tools I had bought some time ago to make a passable deck chair. It wasn’t exactly pretty and it may have been a bit lopsided, but it was nothing a well placed shim couldn’t fix. Working in the dark had been pretty annoying since my porch light wasn’t the best, although it still worked well enough to let me get the job done.

The Sun was rising by the time I had gotten the worst of the rough stuff off of the wood and I hadn’t slept a wink all night. Lupa was still over at Fluttershy’s, but I didn’t really want to deal with either of them at the moment. In fact, I really didn’t want to deal with anyone. I knew that my day would be even longer if I didn’t go do something, but there was nothing I wanted to do, no one I wanted, and the one thing I needed to get off of my chest at the time was something I couldn’t take to any of the girls due to me not trusting them enough to keep it quiet. Well, that was a bit bit untrue. I trusted Rarity and Fluttershy to do right by me, but I knew they would pressure me into revealing my feelings about Applejack, and it just wasn’t something I wanted to deal with.

I sat down in my newly made chair and watched the sun rise. I would have enjoyed it more if my heart wasn’t so divided, but I made the most of it by getting started on a different project. I began by checking to make sure that my knives were in their respective sheaths and packing a few days worth of food and water. I had no real idea how to make a bow, but there was no doubt in my mind that I could find something worthwhile in the Everfree, so I went to the forest’s entrance near Fluttershy’s house and started what would hopefully be a short journey.

Four hours later, I had the haunch of some goat looking thing in my satchel and a few thick branches dragging along behind me, tied to my waist by a rope. I had surfaced from the Whitetail Woods right next to my house, so I didn’t have far to walk, which I was extremely glad for. I didn’t want to stroll through town with the cloying scent of blood stuck to me, and I really didn’t want to explain just what I was going to do with the leg in my bag, so it was pretty convenient. Once I got home, I cut the branches down a bit and shoved them in my shed to dry out before collecting some deadfall from the nearby forest to make a little log cabin style campfire. I still had the massive pyre that I had built a month ago, which reminded me that I needed to get my little party put together again.

Facepalming, I deconstructed my unlit fire, grabbed a shovel from the shed, dug out a small hole, and lined the small pit with broad leaves that I had brought from the Everfree. After putting the meat that I had poorly skinned in the pit, I covered it with a few more of the large leaves and reconstructed my fire. Before I headed inside to get clean, I lit the fire to get the cooking process started. I had no clue if the meat would be okay, but I remembered seeing something similar in a documentary that followed the lives of various indigenous peoples, so I had some hope that I would have my protein for the future sorted out. My telekinesis was really coming in handy when it came to killing shit.

Post shower, life was looking up. I still had that awful feeling in my stomach, but I had some stuff to do now, so keeping busy would help deal with that. I pulled out the sapling that I had cut down and inspected it for any imperfections, but it was a fucking tree and I don’t know shit about them, so it looked fine to me. I browsed through the four other types of wood I had brought with me, but none of them struck me like the sapling. There was something about it that told me it was made of better stuff than the others, but it really just looked like wood and bark to me. I trusted my gut and started whittling away at it, but it was slow going, though I was glad for it. The monotony of the task really helped pass the time, and after a few hours, I had a rather respectable shaft, ripe and ready for whacking. I used a rasp to flatten out the tips and looked over my handiwork, checking for straightness and any notches in the wood that were too large. Finding it to be straight enough, I grabbed another piece of sandpaper from my quickly diminishing supply and worked on getting the surface smooth, progressively moving down to finer grits until I was was sure I would have to buff it to get it any smoother. I hadn’t planned on making a staff, but it just seemed like a good use for the wood, and it also meant I had a walking stick I could carve things into for shits and giggles.

I decided to keep practicing my whittling with smaller pieces of wood and, as it turns out, I’m not complete shit at it. I had a decent looking cartoon face carved into the stick I was working on and wanted to see how far this would take me. I picked up another piece of softwood and delved into the wonderful world of woodworking. By the time the sun set, I made a goofy looking dog with two legs that were shorter than the others. I set it down on my coffee table and figured that I would give it to Celestia as a sweet gesture, so I wrote out a quick note, tied it to the figurine and sent it via dragonfire. I was mildly surprised to find that I could send things other than paper and food, but it was a good thing to know in case I ever wanted to carve a penis and send it to her in the middle of Day Court. That would be a good prank.

I cleaned up the mess I’d made and collected all the wood shavings, sawdust, and scrap wood, putting it on my bonfire so I could get it out of the way. Now that I was starting to get bored, I went into town and looked for the Lock Pad. When I got there, Onyx’s clerk at the counter was the same dim fellow who had locked himself in the closet the one time. He told me that Onyx was in the back where he usually resided when he wasn’t installing locks or picking them for people. I thanked the fellow as I started heading deeper into familiar territory and caught the guy I was looking for at the door, just as he was about to take his lunch break. I mentioned that I needed to talk to him and borrow some of his wisdom, and he welcomed me to join him. Actually, he said something along the lines of ‘Then shut up and let’s get on with it’, but it's the same difference.

Once we got settled down on a bench at the park, he cracked open his lunchbox and I started talking. “So I’m having girl problems, right-”

“S’whatcha get for taking on so many at once. I have two mares I see regularly, and neither are ready to make a real commitment.” Onyx grumbled before taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Mate, that’s not even the problem here.”

He chewed for a moment. “So what is the problem?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for one of my friends with benefits, who also just happens to be my best friend.”

“Yup, you bucked yourself there, kiddo. If you really want my advice, then here it is: Wait. Wait a week or two and see how you feel. Think about why you feel the way you do about him or her, I don’t judge, and decide for yourself whether or not to tell them once you’re certain. Nothing good will come of trying to keep it between you and someone who’s close to them, so you’re already making some decent choices when it comes to who you talk to this with.”

“I know you’re not close to her, but how do you know?”

“It’s one of the Elements of Harmony, right?”

“Yeah?”

“The only one I ever talked to was Twilight, and I think I scared her off well enough that she won’t come back with more questions. From what I know of you, she ain’t your type.”

“She’s really not, but I’m still dating her for some odd reason. Maybe I just need to learn to be a worse person and start scaring more people off.”

“It only ever works well when you’re as big as me, Knuckle, or Macintosh. You’re a little on the short side to pull it off, but you do have those predator teeth you like to flash at ponies.”

“It’s just how I smile, man! I didn’t pick my teeth, they just kinda came with being human, and there’s nothing anyone could say to dissuade me of their uses.”

“Gotta admit, I wanted to ask how meat tasted when I first saw ‘em, but it’s impolite to ask that around most non-ponies.”

I shot Onyx a bleak look. “As much as you take the piss with me, you’re worried about coming off as impolite?”

Onyx shrugged. “Just around other ponies. I have to keep up appearances to keep my business alive, but in reality? I’m just an old ex guard that’s seen more than my fair share, and in doing that, I got a lot of questions that I’d like answered. So what does meat taste like?”

“I have a few samples at home if you want to try it for yourself. After I spent some time in the Everfree, I went back to the roots of my kind and started hunting, though my methods couldn’t be much further from what my ancestors used.”

“You know what? I haven’t taken a real day off since I retired from the Night Guard-”

“Wait, you were a Night Guard?”

“Yeah? What of it?”

“Most Night Guards I see are either grey or dark grey, and the variation is only because of different lighting.”

“They use magic to change your coat when you join the ranks. I swear to Celestia, if I hear so much as a peep about a pink Night Guard…” He shot me a black glare.

I gulped. “Not from me, you won’t. I like my bones unbroken, thank you very much.”

“Knew you had a good head on your shoulders. I’m gonna go let Knuckle Duster know he’s gotta get out of my shop or into Tartarus.”

“I’m pretty sure you don’t know where my house is.”

“Everypony knows where you live around here, Max.”

I shivered. “That’s fucking creepy.”

He shrugged. “It’s what you get when you live in a small town full of gossips.”

“I might move my house, if anything then just to get off of people’s radar. Seriously, I think I’m going to be ill.”

“Save it for later and let’s get moving. I want to see what the deal is about eating living things.”

“For starters, you don’t eat them alive.”

“Shut up, smart ass.”

A passing donkey glanced over and huffed. I wasn’t even aware that donkeys existed here, nor that there were any in Ponyville. I traded a look with Onyx and he rolled his eyes, leading the way back to his shop where he told Knuckle to fuck off, and after that, we were on our way back to my place so he could finally get some meat in his mouth.

The trip back home was quick enough, but the important part is that some jet black pony with a red mane was walking toward my house. The color scheme was familiar since I hadn’t seen many jet black ponies, well, ever and I vaguely remembered meeting someone who was. It suddenly clicked and a smile broke out across my face. I hurried Onyx along and we slowly started gaining on him, though we caught him at my house anyways. Crimson had heard us approach and waved, so I waved back and explained who he was to Onyx, but he didn’t appear to be listening. Instead, he picked up his pace and went to go hulk over my friend.

“What the hay are you doing here.” Onyx rumbled in a lethal voice.

“Here to visit a friend,” Crimson responded cooly, “wasn’t expecting to see a familiar face.”

“Yeah, I bet you weren’t.”

I looked between them, and while Onyx’s tone was overtly hostile, I couldn't get anything from their postures that would tell me if they were about to scrap, so I sat back and waited.

Crimson coughed a couple times and looked over to me. “I see you’ve met my old mentor, Daisy Carni-” He ducked suddenly and Onyx’s fist occupied the air where his face had once been.

“I taught you not to call me that years ago, you ungrateful shit head!” Onyx snarled.

“Old habits die hard, old monster!” Crimson answered with a grin.

I mimicked Crimson and went over to pat Onyx’s shoulder. “Now now, ladies, let’s not mess up my house over who’s prettier, okay? Onyx, you are, just for the record.”

He grimaced and took a swing at me this time, but I had been expecting it, so I tried to dodge to the side, only to find that I couldn’t move my feet. Onyx’s swing came through and his massive hand planted itself on my chest with a resounding slap, the sound echoing comically despite how much it had stung at the moment.

Crimson chuckled from behind me, releasing his bullshit magic, and Onyx copied him in front of me. “Oi! You cheeky bastards can’t team up!” I argued.

“Whatever you say kiddo.” Onyx grunted. “It’s good to see you again, little monster.” He said, turning towards Crimson.

“I’m not little any more, old monster, and you would do well to remember that unless you want to ruin Max’s lawn.”

I waved a hand in the air. “Yeah, catch up all you want. Just don’t break my shit and we’ll be cool.” I rubbed a hand over my still smarting chest.

They both chuckled at that and I rose up from my bent over position. I lead them inside and went to grab a bottle of something that burns, but I remembered that I no longer kept much in the way of alcohol in the house. Well, barring the wine… With an evil grin, I fetched a pitcher, filled it with water, grabbed three glasses and went for the wine. Crimson gave me an odd look when I came back with a wine bottle and water, but he continued catching up with his old mentor while I did my running about. After I found my shot glass, I returned and started filling glasses with water, then pouring half a shot into each.

“Skimping on us pretty hard, aren’t you?” Onyx chuckled.

I grinned and gestured for them to take a sip, and when they did, their faces screwed up hilariously. “Trust me to keep the good stuff. From what I’ve been told, this wine is about a thousand years old.”

“Where the hay did you find something like that?” Crimson asked.

“Spent a month in the Everfree and found some dope shit.” I shrugged. “Onyx, if you ever need a battle axe for any reason, I have one.”

“No thanks, I still have my old one, and I keep it in usable condition.” He traded a look with Crimson and they spoke in unison. “A dull weapon is a decoration. A sharp weapon is a tool.”

I shook my head and they had a chuckle. “I’m guessing that’s some old guard adage?”

“It is. It’s also one of the things I had to beat into Crimson so he would look after his sword.” Onyx grumbled.

“Shut up, old monster! The way I took care of it before was fine, and you know it!”

“You made the blade as sharp as a damned razor! How the hay did you expect it to keep an edge like that!?”

“By taking care of it, duh!” Crimson responded.

I sipped my watered down wine. “Not to break up the happy reunion, but it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, Crimson. What brings you to my little slice of Hell?”

“What? A guy can’t just come and drop in on a friend to see how he’s been?” Crimson asked innocently.

“Sure they can, but not when it’s been as long as it has. I thought you forgot about me.”

Onyx rolled his eyes. “Crimson ain’t one for keeping in touch.”

Crimson blushed (somehow) and scratched at his face. “I meant to write you, but I just got so caught up-”

“In chasing ugly stallions so you could get your rocks off. I know what you’ve been up to, you lecherous slacker.” Onyx winked.

Crimsons blush grew. “Just because they’re high society stallions doesn’t mean they’re ugly; you just hate the upper crust style of dress.”

“They look like they’ve been put in a bucket of last night’s leftovers and thrown to the pigs.” Onyx scoffed.

They bickered back and forth for a while longer, and I quickly got bored, though adding another shot of wine to my glass helped with that. “So are you two just going to bitch and moan all night, or are we going to bring out the meat and figure out why my one time partner is here?”

“Meat?” Crimson asked with an odd look crossing his face.

“Partner?” Onyx asked at the same time. “I thought you were more of a ladies stallion.”

“I’m not gay. Crimson and I worked a job in Gryphonia not too long ago, but I haven’t seen him since.” I explained.

“Ah. Then if he’s here, it’s nothing for my ears, even if I was the guy who preceded him.” Onyx casually commented.

“Wait, you were an Operative too?” I asked, shocked.

“He was, and he was the best in his generation.” Crimson expounded. “My mentor here was so good, he went on more black operations than any other pony in history, and he even had a ninety one percent success rate!” Crimson smiled in pride.

“That was a long time ago, Crimson, and you know that.” Onyx responded softly.

“Yeah, I’m sensing a sad story and I don’t think this is the time to get into it. Lemme grab you a care package and I’ll see you some other time, okay?” I said to Onyx.

I grabbed some newspaper that I never read and wrapped a few slices of dried meat in it before handing off to Onyx. We agreed to meet for a proper beer at the bar in town later tonight, press ganging Crimson into joining us. Once he was gone, I sat down across from Crimson and we got started on business.

“So I’m sure you heard about another job in Gryphonia, haven’t you?” Crimson asked in a low voice.

“I think so, but as I’ve said earlier, I spent a month in the Everfree, so a lot of things are foggy.”

“Right. The job this time is harder than the last one, and as you probably guessed, it’s in Gryphonia.”

“Wait, this isn’t the assassination that Celestia forbade me from doing, is it?” I asked, astonished.

Crimson slowly nodded. “Princess Luna told me that Princess Celestia put a cease to any actions that would carry you into the line of fire, which is the main reason we haven’t seen each other in so long. I’ve been picking up the missions that are supposed to be yours due to Princess Celestia’s unwillingness to let you get hurt.”

I clicked my tongue. “Dammit, I’m sorry mate, but I can’t really go against her unless I want to risk losing her, you know?”

“What do you mean by that? I thought you were just one of Celestia’s favorites since you were a one of a kind.”

“I really hope that’s not the case since I’m dating her.” I responded drily.

Crimson coughed a couple times. “Moving on now. Princess Luna took the assassination on the Gryphonian King, but she couldn't get close enough to him to carry it through. She tried poison, magic, direct assault, indirect assault, bribery, and all manners of things that would make you cringe, but none of them got her close enough. The one time she had a chance, Queen Elfriede ratted her out and her cover was nearly blown, so in order to prevent the war that would ensue, she pulled back. Now, Princess Luna has sent me to ask for your help.” Crimson set his jaw and leaned forward. “What do you say?”

“Look, mate, as much as I want to help, I love Celestia way more. Going behind her back to handle a situation that she specifically told me not to sounds like a slap in her face.”

“I know love is a powerful thing, Max, I really do, but we don’t have another option here. Things are getting tense up north, and they’re getting worse by the day. Ponies are already dying because of Celestia’s actions.” And she didn't tell me? Mate, how are you okay with this?

“...Then there’s little I can say against that. I understand too well what lives are worth for me to sit back and do nothing. When do we leave?”

“As soon as possible. I can have a message sent to Onyx if you want to explain our absence.”

“I’ll do it. I need to pick up Lupa before we go anyways, so give me some time to get my notes written out. We’ll go as soon as Lupa gets here.”

“Lupa’s your wolf, right? I’m sure you’ll be glad to have her when you’re in Gryphonia.”

“Wait, I’m going in solo?” I asked.

Crimson nodded slowly and I rubbed my face. “Not the first time. I’ll make it through, though I wish I’d at least have you to back me up.”

“I’d happily go with you, but if I could go, I’d be the one doing it anyway. The reason you’re the only one who can do anything is because you’re the only one who isn’t in the roster. Trust me when I say that it’s been bleak for our fellow operatives, knowing that we can’t get back into Gryphonia.”

“I’m sure it has since that means you can’t get paid.” I smirked.

“We take jobs outside of Gryphonia, I assure you. It just so happens that you’ve been unlucky enough to keep getting stuck there.”

“Yeah, it’s just great. Next thing you’ll tell me is that you’ll be going to some tropical island while I freeze my arse off.”

Crimson just shrugged and smiled. “You cheeky fuck!” I exclaimed.

“Calm down, I’ll only be in the South for a while, and there really aren’t many islands near where I’m going. I’m just glad it’s somewhere warm and full of Ponies for once.” He sighed.

“I can understand that.” I rose and started getting things together. I packed my satchel full of clothes and food and kept my knives on me. I also grabbed my favorite jacket since I was sure that the autumn in Gryphonia was far worse than the one in Ponyville, so I collected that along with my scarf and some gloves before I started jotting down two notes. One was to Onyx to let him know that we weren’t going to be able to have that drink, and the other was to ask Fluttershy to send Lupa my way. Once that was said and done, Crimson and I sipped our drinks in silence while I thought about random things, like how the captain of Celestia’s guard was probably Twilight’s brother. It had occurred to me some time ago, soon after I realized that it had been Twilight’s parent’s house that I had broken into, but it did make me wonder why Twilight never brought the guy up. One would think that having a relative in the service is something to be proud of, but I guess that’s just not how Twilight rolls.

About thirty minutes after I’d sent my notes, Lupa and Fluttershy were at my door and I had some explaining to do. I told Fluttershy the bare minimum, citing that it was something that Luna needed me to do and that it was something I couldn’t talk about. Fluttershy, of course, was not happy about that in the slightest since I had effectively told her nothing, but there was precious little I could do to rectify that. I told her that myself. We bickered back and forth for about ten minutes, which got to be tedious after answering the same questions with the same answers time after time. Eventually, I told Fluttershy that I was expecting to be gone for a week, and that at the very least, she knew that I was leaving this time. Her anger abated when she saw Crimson, and her face turned the same color as his hair when he introduced himself. I might have been a little jealous if I didn’t know that Crimson was gay. Fluttershy was pretty amusing, however, because she couldn’t get a word out of her mouth without stuttering. After I sent her off, Crimson, Lupa, and I went to the train station and started toward a town called ‘Sadsdale’. It sounded like a fun place to me.

The train ride was boring, though Lupa was happy to bounce around the car, looking out the windows and bothering anyone she got close to. I eventually corralled her back to my side, but even then, all she did was clamber over me to get a good view of the scenery passing by. Chuckling, Crimson and I did the same, though I lost interest pretty quickly. I generally prefer to walk through my scenery, thank you very much.

We arrived in Sadsdale soon enough, but the town was… Well, it was sad. The streets were made of the same stone that decorated most of the houses, and it gave the entire area a very grey feeling. I felt my anxiety lessen once we arrived, but it was replaced by a bone deep chill that lingered uncomfortably, but Crimson assured me that it was just the way Sadsdale worked. He explained that Sadsdale was a cursed town, doomed to always be under the weather, and I was inclined to believe him. The Sun was only beginning to set, and in the mopey little town, you could barely tell because the skies were so overcast. Between the grey, withered buildings and the dry, brown grass, there wasn’t even a note of color among in the town, even among the ponies who seemed to be made entirely of black, white, and grey. It was a jarring transition, coming from a town as colorful as Ponyville. The way the two little towns juxtaposed with each other, it was such a contrast that I stopped trying to make sense of it after a few minutes of being there.

Apparently, the Transportation Station we were heading to was on the other side of town which made for one hell of a walk. To say it was agonizingly boring would be a hideous understatement. Everything looked the same, even the people! Faces and places just blurred together, and if it wasn't for Crimson’s path finding spell, I rather doubt that we would have gotten to our first destination any time soon. We got through Boresville and greeted the Night Guard that was running the Teleportation Station, and by the looks of it, the guy was actually pretty happy to see us. He went from leaning against the wall with his eyes half closed to being quite the spritely, helpful fellow. Pretty good service if you ask me.

“Before I send you off to Hooverton, I need to give you this.” Crimson said as he handed me a slim, drab looking envelope.

“If it’s that important, why not just give it to me earlier?” I asked, waving it.

“Because it was pertinent that you get it here and now, according to Princess Luna. Speaking of, the address where you’ll be briefed is in there, as well as who will be briefing you.” Crimson took a deep breath. “Not much else to say. Just keep one eye open and stay safe. I might not keep in touch, but I do care about my friends.”

“Thanks mate, but you gotta show you care some time.” I grinned and patted his shoulder. “I’ll be alright. I’ve done crazier shit for worse reasons.”

“I really have a hard time believing that, Max. Have you really thought about your mission?” He asked.

“Nope, and that’s why I’m agreeing to do it. I know this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but if I can save lives doing it, then it’s a worthy task and that’s all I need on my mind.”

Crimson was silent for a minute. “That’s so stupid, but I’ve seen you at work. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and some pretty quick thinking, so here’s hoping.” He extended a hand and I shook it. “The best of luck.”

“Same to you, friend.”

Crimson stood back and the Night Guard stepped forward, leading me over to the teleportation runes. Lupa yawned and trotted behind me lazily, probably just waiting for the mission to start, and I was with her. The anxiety I had been feeling came back and my stomach did back flips, most likely trying to get me to turn back, go home, and save my miserable ass from jumping straight into the fire, but I still gave the nameless Night Guard the nod, and in a moment, I was looking at a familiar face from Canterlot.

Velvet Breeze stood in front of me with a clipboard and a slight frown on her face. She hadn’t looked up, but it was still odd to think of her doing anything other than smile. When she looked up, that frown deepened and her eyes narrowed.

“Max?” She asked cautiously.

“Yeah. Hullo Velvet.” I offered her a weak smile.

“I have no orders for you, so I’m guessing you already have them. If that’s the case, please exit the Teleportation Station and carry on with your business.” She said flatly.

“...Right. Will do.”

I left with Lupa en tow, opening the envelope I had been given while in Sadsdale while trying to push Velvet out of my mind. After asking around for a bit, I eventually found the address listed, though the name that was with it didn’t ring any bells. I didn’t think I’d ever heard of a ‘Starshine Nebula’ but I was hopeful that it would be Luna in disguise. Upon knocking on the door at the meeting place, however, I was quickly pulled inside and a bright white mare with pitch black hair and oddly large glasses was straddling me in moments. The woman held a finger to my mouth and slowly got up to look out of the blinds, gesturing for me to get up once the coast was clear.

Starshine smoothed out her dress and tugged at the sleeves of her sweater. “S-Sorry about that, but you never know who’s watching.” She cast a furtive glance toward the window and drew her curtains over them.

“...Yeah. Light green isn’t your best color, by the way.” I commented slyly.

She looked down at her white sweater and black dress. “I’m not wearing any light green.” Someone's forgetful.

“Are you sure about that? Actually, nevermind, I don’t care that much. Are you Starshine?”

“Please, call me Nebula.” She said meekly.

“Nebula then. You’re the one briefing me?”

She smiled a bit when I called her Nebula, but her face became more serious after that. “Yes, I’ll be giving you your information. Do you want the full mission specs or an abridged version?”

“All the important details. Not trying to get killed for not knowing some things.”

“The smart survive.” Nebula said with a grim smile. “We’ll start with the basics: The mission is in Otterwa, in King Adolf’s castle. You’ll be staying in the nearby town of Geflugelt, and you’ll be making your move from there. The King isn’t known to keep a rigorous schedule, so your best times will be at night or at dawn, when the guards change. However you want to complete the mission is fine, but you must confirm that you have actually slain the king, and for that, we need a piece of him.”

“...That’s pretty brutal.”

“It’s the nature of the job.” She shrugged.

“How tall are the outer walls?” I asked.

“The outermost walls are about six meters high, and the castle’s own walls are about one hundred and six meters at their tallest point.”

“What are the walls made of?”

“The outer walls were made from slabs of rough cut stone, and the inner walls are made from cobblestone and mortar.”

“Not bad. What do we know about guard rotations?”

“Princess Luna drew us a map, it’s in the dossier I’m giving you.”

“Great news. Lookout positions?”

“There’s a reason Princess Luna was able to get into the Castle so many times. There aren’t many lookouts on the outer walls, but ever since she failed, there have been more. There are still blind spots that you can use, as well as the castle sewer and laundry system.”

“Both of those sound like I’ll need plenty of luck to use them, so I think I’ll pass. How do they want his death to look? Am I going to be equipped with poison?”

Nebula raised her index finger and rushed off further into her house. I looked around a bit, but saw nothing of note besides a little statuette that looked a bit like a standard alien, oddly enough. She returned before I could inspect it in depth and she had three small vials in one hand, a pouch to hold them, and a large manilla envelope in the other. She handed the pouch to me and started with the red vial.

“This one here is called ‘The Red Menace’. I cooked it up myself!” She grinned. “It’ll cause intense hallucinations in its victims and once they die in their visions, they die in real life!” You're way too happy about that.

“...Sounds like a bad way to go.”

“It really is! All the mice I tested it on came back to haunt me and I had to get an exorcist, but I don’t think he got them all.” She scratched her chin. “Eh, whatever. Here.” She handed the vial to me and I put it in the pouch.

“Now this blue one,” She held it up. “Is supposed to put the victim into an unbreakable sleep. Eventually, they wither away and die, but it’s long and slow. It’s basically starving someone to death.” Nebula pursed her lips.

“Better than The Red Menace. What’s it called?”

“I didn’t make it, so I didn’t name it.” She shrugged and handed that one off to me. “The last one,” She held up the vial full of white stuff, “Is a little notorious. One drop, and you can wipe out a hamlet. It’s called ‘White Death’ but if you use it, you really should keep in mind that you might have some collateral damage.”

“...Did you make it?”

She looked away shiftily. “...Maybe.”

“How do you know what it does?” I asked slowly.

“Do you really want that question answered? The Princess asked for it, I made it. That’s all there is to it” She hissed.

“Which Princess?”

“Do you want it or not?”

“Not just no, but Hell no I’m not going to use something that might up my body count. I really don’t want to kill the King dude as is, but I don’t really have much of a choice.”

“That’s right. When it comes to the Princesses, nopony does.” She muttered darkly.

“I thought the ponies loved their eternal rulers?”

“Most, not all. If you’re working for them, you should have heard about me.”

“I have not heard of you, actually.”

“Seriously?”

“Celestia tries to keep me away from this line of work, in most cases.”

“I can understand why if you’re really her favorite like the rumors say.”

“Yeah, those rumors are probably true. I’m guessing you have a reputation for being some genocidal mad scientist type in the Dark Ops circles?”

“It takes all the drama out of a moment when you say it like that.” She huffed.

“It sure does.” I strapped on the pouch and looked at her. “Is there anything else I need to know, or can I get a headstart on travelling?”

“Yes, actually. We have friends in King Adolf’s staff that will help you get to where you’re going, but you can’t let them get caught. Equestria values it’s agents very highly, and any loss of life due to negligence is severely punished.”

“Yet Equestria uses poisons that can kill hundreds of people?”

“...Shut up and get to the border. You have a long walk ahead of you.” Nebula adjusted her glasses and turned her back to me.

With a grin, I left Lupa’s side and slid my arms around Nebula. “Don’t be that way, love,” I whispered in her ear, leaning into my 'accent'. “Can’t always be so… sensitive, now can we?” I nibbled on her ear and she jolted away.

I struggled to wipe the grin off of my face. “I-I-I I have to go do research!” She said quickly before making her exit. It was too easy.

“That was completely unnecessary.” Lupa huffed.

“But it was funny, was it not?”

Lupa snorted and lead the way out of the house. The Sun had been setting in Sadsdale, and here it was no different. With only a few hours of daylight left, Lupa and I asked around to see if there was an inn nearby. As it turns out, the inn was placed near the Teleportation station which just so happened to be clear across town, and since Hooverton was significantly larger than Ponyville, Farrier, or Sadsdale, that was a bit of a walk. Once Lupa and I arrived at the only inn in town, we were told that they didn’t allow pets, unless of course, the owner was willing to pay a fee. I tried to argue that Lupa could understand everything that he’d just said, but he just gave me an odd look and Lupa just laughed at me like the bitch she be.

I paid the extra fee and we walked up four flights of stairs to get to our room. Luckily, they had a dumbwaiter and a magical walkie talkie, so I was about to order food for Lupa and I. The food sucked, but it kept my stomach full, so I can’t really complain, though I can complain about the state of their mattress, which was complete bullshit. I swear, the pad I’d had at the Castle in the Everfree was softer.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was a rough one. I was more than a little sore from the shitty brick I had been given to sleep on, but I still needed to get my journey underway. I spent a good fifteen minutes sitting on the side of the bed, contemplating what the shit had brought me to this level of retardation, but I cleared my head and got a move on before I could psyche myself out. I had a king to slay, after all.

The walk there was boring as shit, I didn’t meet anyone interesting, and the border guards were pricks, so I’ll skip all that noise. Lupa and I had some interesting talks about sexuality, life and death, and how I was practically forced into being with Celestia due to my position and first impression. The last one was an interesting one, but I won’t go into detail about it since it was long and boring, so deal with it. Especially if you’re not me or Celestia. Actually, if you’re not either of us, fucking kill yourself. You’d be doing the world a favor.

That aside, after two days journey, we arrived in Otterwa. The city itself was about as large as Canterlot, but the effect it had was so completely different. Tall brown spires dotted the city and the castle loomed menacingly over the town, its massive stone walls seemingly warding off any possible assailants. It was quite the sight to behold, and I was quickly realizing just how in over my head I was. A former petty thief was here, in the capital city of a foreign nation, to assassinate a king and set his wife up as his successor.

This was some serious RPG style bullshit.

Lupa and I made our way into the heart of the city in fits and spurts, trying to secure food and lodging for the night. We avoided back alleys at all times and stayed out in the open, making sure not to trust anyone that offered to take us somewhere themselves. Eventually, some grizzled old guard pointed us in the direction we wanted to go and we nabbed a room and some meat for the night. Lupa was grateful for the meal and I was grateful to have somewhere relatively safe to sleep, though I still kept my knife under the pillow.

Morning came and I got out out into the city and into the alleys. I had avoided them while entering the city because I wasn’t looking for that kind of trouble, but I had a feeling that I would find someone willing to answer some questions around there. I picked up a follower during my search though, and they were very bad at their craft. For one, they stayed way too close, and then they just made too much noise. I eventually turned a corner and ambushed them, spinning my tail around and slamming them into the wall next to me. My follower let out a loud squawk, but since I had them pinned against a wall with a knife against their throat, there was precious little they could do.

“Who are you and why are you tailing me?” I snarled in their face. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female.

“M-My name is Flint! You just looked weird! Don’t kill me, please, I-I have a sick sister!” Flint sputtered, terrified. Now that I had a chance to examine him, he seemed to quite a few years younger than me, if his generally gangly appearance was anything to go by. The crackling in his voice also clued me in, but I generally try not to let that play a part in any first impressions. After all, it wasn’t something anyone could control, and being a victim of puberty was just a fact of life.

“You should have thought of your sister before trying to follow me. Who sent you?”

“No one, I swear! I was just passing the time!”

“Right. You have ten seconds to tell me the truth before I start chopping pieces off of you.”

That got him properly motivated. “G-Godrick sent me! I don’t know him personally, but he pays me to follow interesting people, so that’s what I do! It’s all I do, I don’t get paid enough to die!”

His voice rang true, so I eased up. “Where can I find this ‘Godrick’ guy? I have a few questions for him.”

“I-I don’t know!” Flint clenched his hands.

“Thinking about decking me, aren’t you?” Flint gulped. “Yeah, don’t do that, it’ll get you killed until you die to death. Tell me where I can find your boss, and I’ll make sure your name doesn’t come up in conversation. If I have to find him myself, I’m selling you out so he can deal with you.”

He gulped again and gave me an address. Of course I didn’t believe him, so when he ran off, I had Lupa follow his scent and we tracked him down to an old, run down apartment that seemed like it was a haven for all sorts of unsavory types. The squat red brick structure had obviously seen better years, and the citizens of Otterwa may have passed by it, but even after an hour of watching the building, I noticed that no one actually looked at the thing, which made me more than a little nervous. If I wanted my information, I was going to have to go in with only Lupa as back up, and I had no idea what I was dealing with. After staking the place out for about thirty more minutes, I didn’t see anyone come out or go into the building, so I took a meandering path and approached the building from the alleyway behind it.

Behind the building was where the party resided. There were a few dozen Gryphons milling about, all carrying boxes of various sizes or weapons that looked pretty harmful if you found yourself on the wrong side of them. The Gryphons themselves were clearly cut from a different cloth that the ones I had seen on the streets, and I could see that I was going to have my hands full if things went south. It was in the way they walked; the way that the armed ones carried themselves that told me I was well and truly back to square one, dealing with the writhing underground of crime once again. For some odd reason, my heart skipped a beat and confidence sparked in my heart. This was where I clawed my way to a decent part of the food chain, a familiar enemy that I’d taken down before. This wasn’t Equestria with its minute niceties that restricted me from being who I was. No, this little alley behind a ramshackle tenement was analogous to where I had began my life as a thief, and it was here that I could be the me that I was before coming to Equestria.

I strolled down the alley with some swagger to maintain face and to give me the impression of someone who knew exactly what they wanted. I got a few cursory glances, but none of the freight haulers paid me much attention. The armed guards, on the other hand, kept an eye on me as I approached my destination. I paused at the back door to speak with one of the Gryphons guarding it.

“I’m looking for someone,” I said bluntly, “fellow named Godrick.”

The two burly Gryphons traded a look before they burst out laughing. “Yeah, no.” The one on the right said. “I don’t think our boss is looking to deal with any hosers like you right now. Why don’t you go grab some mead and see if he can make some time for you?”

“That sounds like something I’d rather be doing, but I rather need to speak with him. You two loyal henchmen wouldn’t take a bribe, now would you?” I tossed them a fifty bit coin each and they traded another look.

The one on the left spoke this time. “I wouldn’t go around flashing Equestrian gold around here, buddy. Brings all sorts of trouble.”

“Might make ya some friends, might make you some enemies.” The one on the right added.

“Let’s hope it just made me a couple friends then, yeah?” I replied calmly.

They the one on the right stared at me and his companion went inside. I took that as my cue to wait, so I had a staring contest with the fellow who stayed behind. He totally blinked first, in case anyone is keeping track, and I let him know, though he was confused. The guy shrugged and continued staring at me, which was awkward, but I’ve slowly grown a bit of a tolerance to awkward moments, seeing as how I spend so much time in them. Maybe I was becoming more shameless? Soon enough, the guy returned and gestured with his head for me to follow him in. I thought things were going far too easily, but I held the slightest hope that criminal elements in Gryphonia were incompetent and that they would give me what I needed.

The inside of the building was more like a factory than the apartment I had taken it for. I t reminded me of old pictures of the assembly lines in Detroit after the automotive boom. Rubble lined the walls, the eerie lighting casting queer shadows over what few surfaces it covered. There were more armed guards supervising dudes with boxes , and it seemed to be quite the well oiled machine, moving boxes in and out without so much as a misstep. To my left, there was a Gryphon opening a crate of some kind, and inside, there were several very long and very sharp looking spears, primed and ready for action.

My dumb arse had hunted down and bribed my way into seeing an arms dealer.

I’d only ever dealt with one before, and Slick Sagiano was a right prick at any given moment. I remembered the fellow as being a complete greaseball in every sense of the word, and that was why I had pulled multiple jobs on him for various clients over the years. You only get to short me once before you earn yourself a place on the menu. Of course, crossing Sagiano had had its repercussions, but they were manageable since the guy was an idiot anyway, only possessing any real kind of power because of his brother’s fearsome ways. I had no way of knowing if Godrick was Slick or Savage, but I was hoping that he would have the connections I was looking for. If I knew crime bosses at all, they often had their hands in multiple cookie jars, and I was willing to bet that Godrick was one fat cat, if his operation said anything about the scale of his efforts.

The grunt lead me up a staircase and to an office at the top of the building, and once we arrived, he knocked three times in a peculiar pattern before the clear sound of multiple locks being disengaged could be heard. Once the final and loudest lock had been dealt with, the door swung open to reveal a hulking mass of feathers and fur. Honestly, the guy looked like Lupa could be his lap dog. Needless to say, my bravery took a hit and I was tempted to call everything off and just go back to Equestria, but I’ve always been one to follow through, even in the shittiest of times.

“Is that the guy?” A mid twenties sounding voice called out from behind the behemoth.

“Yeah. Can you make Tiny standby?” The grunt yelled back.

“Tiny!” The guy in the room shouted. “Get out of the way!”

Tiny moved and the grunt grabbed my arm, leading me into the office. At a desk on the far side of the room, there was a youngish looking Gryphon with two scars that ran parallel across his face, clicking his talons together in anticipation. Tiny had moved to stand beside him, and the size comparison was nearly humorous, even the the Gryphon, who I assumed was Godrick, was about my size.

“So you’re the guy flashin’ bits around, huh?” Godrick monotoned. “You obviously aren’t from around here, so I’ll tell you now that it ain’t a good idea. The only reason you’re in here is because my little buddy Flint said you might be looking for me, and I think you followed him here, yeah?”

“I sure did.” I responded evenly.

“Yeah, you didn’t go to the place he told you, now did you?”

“Nope. I knew it was fake.”

“Which tells me you’re a pretty smart guy. Something that just doesn’t make sense to me, however, is why this smart guy is looking for me when he ain’t from here. Maybe you’d care to elaborate? How do you know about me?”

“Honestly?” I chuckled. “I learned your name from the kid. I figured that if you’re powerful enough to have interesting characters followed for the hell of it, you might have the connections to get me where I need to go.”

“I knew that runt would never be able to keep his mouth shut.” Godrick muttered darkly. “Whatever. I’ll hear you out since you went through all this trouble just to track me down, then. What do you want?” Godrick sat back in his seat and crossed his arms.

“I need a way out of the city in four days time. Nice and quiet, no questions asked, as close to Hildegarten as you can get me.” I said.

“Hildegarten? That’s a long ways away.” Godrick smirked. “That’ll cost ya plenty.”

“But you can get me there?”

“No shit, I can get anyone anywhere in this country! The only thing is that I want five hundred. Up front, no tricky business, you hear me?”

“I’ll give you half up front, but I want to know that you’ll actually do it.”

“Well that’s just too bad. You should have thought about that before you tracked me down, and now that you’re kinda stuck,” Godrick grinned evilly and spread his talons in front of him. “I just want you to empty your pockets.”

I stood very still and concentrated as Lupa lowered herself to the floor, preparing to lunge at the grunt next to us. I focused my efforts and my tendril began to take form.

“You see, the problem with that is that I don’t want to give you my shit, and you’re not going to take it from me. I’ll give you half up front, and half when I’m in Hildegarten.”

“Buddy, you don’t really have much of a choice here.” Godrick chuckled. “Tiny, shake him down and-”

I swung my wrecking ball and Tiny’s head exploded into a fine red mist. Godrick blinked a couple times and started wiping his henchman’s blood off of his face while is other colleague just stood in shock. I placed a hand on Lupa’s back to keep her from taking out the grunt, staring hard at Godrick.

“I have a few choices, now don’t I? I could finish the job and kill everyone in this room, or I could leave with what I came for, and we could have ourselves a merry little agreement. What do you say, Godrick; will I have to hunt you down a second time?” I asked coldly.

“...It’ll get done. Four days time. Meet ‘em at the Worried Wasp, name’s Frieda.” Godrick said cautiously.

I walked over and set four fifty bit coins down on his desk, followed by another two. “For your business and for your loss.” I turned and stared at the grunt who had lead me in and he moved toward the door and lead me back out, jumping at most of the sudden, loud noises that were going on within the building. I was guessing that the guy was terrified since I had just made his buddy’s head turn into jelly and gristle, but that was no reason to be so cold. I myself was feeling a bit queasy, but I ate my feelings of regret to fuel my desire to get this over with.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day, I picked up three more tails while out and about, gathering information. I lost each of them with a well practiced ease, but I was sure that there would be more as I kept digging. In seedy bars and worn down saloons, I made my inquiries and doled out bits to build a decent web of information. By my second day there, I had a half-assed network of bums and prostitutes tipping me off in one way or the other to interesting happenings in the castle. I kept my operations to a low profile, but I still garnered interest from my efforts and had to switch inns twice. The place that I was staying at now was on the outskirts of town, around the back of the castle where things got awfully slimy real quick. While I was collecting information for the day, I ran into someone on the street who pointed me in the direction of an old crone. The person themselves had been nondescript in every way, and when thinking about them, I can only remember that they looked like the average Gryphon.

I followed my newly begotten lead late into my third day, heading down winding alleys and streets to find the hovel that held the crone I was supposed to speak with. Lupa aided me in my search by sniffing around, but without a sample or really knowing what she was looking for, there wasn’t much that could give us a solid lead. Still, after an hour or two of searching, we found a broken down house that should have been, by all rights, condemned and destroyed long ago. I stood on the crumbling stoop and knocked on the door, softly at first, then hard once my knocks went unanswered. Eventually, a nearly featherless, withered old woman came to the door.

“I heard you the first time, you know.” She groaned.

“Sorry, but I wondered if you were even here.” I shrugged. “Are you the one they call ‘Soothsayer’?”

“Bitch, I might be.”

I blinked. “Well okay then. I was told that you could ‘aid me in my journey’ or something.”

“I probably can. I’m a talented old lady, you know.” She cackled harshly. “Come in, boy. We got a lot to talk about and not enough time to do it.” The old lady disappeared back into her ramshackle… Hut? I would call it a hut, I suppose.

Following her in, candles lit most of the hazardous hut, so I didn’t have any issues there, but the smell that resided within was heavy and thick, making one’s head spin. It was definitely herbal in nature, but it wasn’t something that I was familiar with, so I couldn’t identify it, but I knew that there was far too much of it in such an enclosed space. My bitching aside, the old lady was very hospitable, bringing me a cup of some oddly flavoured tea that burned in just the right way going down. I had learned that the Gryphons were certainly fond of their alcohol, and whiskey in particular through mingling with the locals. Of course, if anything worth recording had been mentioned, I would have done so, but it was mostly just trading stories like so many of my other interactions, which was exactly what I was expecting to happen with my host.

We sat down on cushions around the remnants of a fireplace and sipped our tea. Shortly after finishing my tea, my host took my cup from me and dumped the regs on the saucer that had come with it. She poked and prodded at the leaves for a moment, making ‘hmm’ noises as she did. I always thought that reading tea leaves was on of the dumber bits of divination, but in a land chock full of magic, my disbelief was suspended.

“Hmm…” My host scratched her chin. “You’re here for some very nefarious reasons, if I’m reading these correctly. Why you trippin’?” She asked.

“...It’s only nefarious if you consider it so. What else was in your little reading?” I asked, skipping the unimportant bit.

“Well, besides the fact that you’re more than likely going to die while trying to complete your mission, not much to be completely honest.” She shrugged. “I hope you succeed with whatever you’re doing, you seem like a nice enough young man, after all, but I rather doubt that the path you’re on will bring any sort of happiness to you. Should you live through your current endeavor, there is only tragedy ahead of you.”

“That’s not foreboding in the slightest. If I manage to live, what am I looking at?”

The crone took another look at the dregs. “Well, I see loss of some sort, enmity, and pain. I wish I could tell you more, but the sign of imminent death is taking up a lot of your space, home slice.” Why do you talk like some Chav half the time?

“So even if I don’t die, I’m looking at a sucky life?” I sighed. “I already knew that much.”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, playa! I haven’t even told you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!”

“Oh really?”

“Yes. After years of turmoil, you will eventually be some manner of happy. If you don’t die within the next three days.”

“Oh happy day,” I sarcastically commented. “I can’t believe I’ll eventually be not sad if I don’t die from doing stupid shit.”

“It is what it is, boy.”

“Yeah, I figured. Never caught your name, by the way”

She cackled again. “No offense, but I don’t think I want my name known by a kingslayer, even if he is as cute as you.”

“...How did you know?”

“Don’t worry about it, Max. It’s a tricky magic, but it’s more real than any that those pathetic little ponies use.”

“Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“I mean that there’s pony magic, and then there’s the good stuff! I wouldn’t be too concerned with it now, though. It’s not really in your best interest.”

“Right.”

The silence stretched on until the crone spoke again. “I’ll give you a hint, if you care to ask.”

“I’m listening.”

Her tone turned dark. “Go through the kitchen, it’ll be the easiest and most direct route.”

“If you know I’m going after your King, why are you helping me?” I asked, confused.

“Because Adolf is no King to my people.” She began bitterly. “For years, Adolf has been slowly turning this country into Tartarus, letting my once beautiful nation crumble like this old house.” She spat on the floor. “We have more thugs in the streets than ever, more crime bosses divvying up territory like they’re slicing up pie than you can count, and people just don’t trust each other like they used to. I’ve heard more tales of rape and murder than these old ears care to hear, and if Queen Elfriede had her way, we wouldn’t be so focused on trying to go to war with those foolish ponies! History has proven that the ponies aren’t as easy a target as we think they are, but I’ve read our books and learned from my elders in my time: Equestria is a sleeping dragon that we should not be poking. If Adolf must lose his life for my countrymen to see that, then I say deal with him as you see fit.”

“That makes my conscience rest a bit more easily, knowing that he’s run his country into the ground.”

She tsked. “Paying attention would have told you that. Now that I’ve ranted, I suppose you’ll be taking your leave?”

“I’ve always had an ear for an old lady with a lot on her heart.” I offered.

“This old lady has gotten the worst of it out. Take it easy, Max.”

“...Yeah, take it easy.” I stood and prepared to leave, but couldn’t help myself. “If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know my name?”

“N**** please.”

“...Right.”

Lupa and I took our leave from there and started the long walk back to our inn, though she was just as confused about the encounter as I was. Neither of us could make much sense of what the old lady’s words about differences in magic was, but if it meant that I could possess my own, I have to admit, I was more than a little interested. Still, once I voiced my opinions to Lupa, she shot them down stating that I would lose my sense of self if I in particular had magic. I couldn’t help but agree, due to my general leanings toward being a prick. It didn’t matter much anyways: I wasn’t going to go actively looking for something so easily corrupted if I had a choice. I may have been interested, but caution was one of the main reasons I was able to be a thief as long as I was.

We got to the inn after midnight, so we weren’t able to get dinner, but an empty stomach was the least of our worries. Tomorrow night was the deadline that I had given myself. I would end the King’s life, and hopefully keep my own.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning started and ended shittily. Lupa and I were rudely booted from our room during the wee hours of noon, making sure that we didn’t have a base for our operations later in the night, though the issue was rectified after a few hours of barhopping. Most of them were throwing out customers who’d outstayed their welcome at this point in the morning, and the early drinkers were still petering in. The drinking culture was strong in Gryphonia, and for once, I was grateful to have a bunch of loose lipped fools babble away, filling the space with a dull, undulating tone.

Since I was in a bar, I ordered a beer because that’s what you’re supposed to do, no I don’t have a problem, and a couple of hearty slabs of whatever meat they had. With breakfast sorted, I ran over my plan in my head, and it was rather straightforward. Enter through the kitchens in the back of the castle after scaling the outside wall, dodge guard patrols until I got to the fourth level of the far west tower, probably kill some guards, put a knife in the King’s heart while he’s napping and get the fuck out of dodge. When I thought about it like that, it had all seemed so simple, and that was generally how I liked to keep my plans if there were unknown elements. Between the mapping of the guard patrols that I had been given by Luna and a few patterns there within, I wondered how Luna failed in the first place and how anyone expected me to do this when one of the damn near almighty princesses couldn’t do it.

Shaking my head, I downed my beer and spent a few hours inwardly complaining, and then outwardly complaining once I got a few more in me. Of course, I stopped drinking at a decent time so I wasn’t exactly intoxicated, but I was feeling it regardless. However, my nerves were steady and the liquid courage had done its part. If I could keep my head together, then I could get in and out without any issues, so I paid the tab that I had accumulated through the day and departed the bar around six thirty; three hours before the guards rotated. I took that time to make a circuit around the castle’s outer walls for the umpteenth fucking time, but I saw nothing new. My best bet was still in the same spot, and the sky was rapidly darkening. The time to move was closing in quickly and I needed to get into position.

Through stakeouts and bribery, I learned that the zone with the thirteenth tower was the one that was almost never actually guarded. In fact, I had learned through some sneaky eavesdropping that the guards took that specific shift as a break since they were never actually slated to get any real off time, so if you wanted to make a quiet entrance, that spot was your best bet. I loitered around the area, dipping into a shop every now and again to give myself the general presence of a lazy shopper rather than a lurking cutthroat.

Once the last of the heavy traffic petered out, I saw something quite surprising: I wasn’t the only one scaling the wall to get into the castle. In fact, there were four other people with my idea and each of them patiently waited their turn before entry, and each of them were unceremoniously thrown back over the side. The thirteenth tower was a bust, but I had a smelly backup plan.

Now, my sense of smell got a lot better while I was in the Everfree, and for the most part, it was a good thing, but ever since coming to Gryphonia, I noticed that it was starting be much less of a boon. In the town sewers, there was no doubt that it was a complete negative. I voided my stomach’s contents more than a few times and so did Lupa, but since we were down there, we had a job to do. I had remembered every turn in the map that Nebula had given me in the dossier from my entry point to the castle, and thankfully, there were only a couple, though I did have to count the side tunnels to know exactly where I was at, and I was doubly grateful for the walkway that meant that I wouldn’t have to trudge through… sludge to get to my destination.

But my God, the fucking smell.

Breathing through my mouth made it no better, so I tried to get my mind off of it, focusing on getting Lupa and I to where we were going.

“This has to be the single stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” Lupa growled.

“It’s only stupid if you look at it that way. This is actually an ingenious way of getting into the castle. You just hate it because it's dark and smelly.”

“It reminds me of bears, but at least they don’t smell this bad. Next time, I pick the mission.”

“Hopefully there won’t be a next time. Hell, there shouldn’t have been a ‘this time’, and I need to make sure we’re clear on not telling Celestia. If I catch flak for saving her country from a goddamn war I‘m going to be very cross with both of you.”

“She won’t hear a word from me,” Lupa chuckled, “the bitch can’t even understand me!”

“You’ve sold me out before. Remember when we raided Twilight’s parent’s house? You totally threw me under the bus on that.”

“I don’t know what that means, but you deserved it. Pure foolishness was the only thing in your head when you did that.”

“It was pure foolishness that I probably could have gotten away with! You got me sent back to Ponyville!”

“Hmm. That’s a curious hypothesis.” Lupa commented lightly.

“Hypothesis!? It’s the truth you fucking mutt! I’ve dealt with a lot of shit because of your actions, and I demand recompense!”

“Shut up, will you? Just because we’re underground doesn’t mean we’re inaudible.”

I simmered down. “Fair enough, but my point still stands.”

“I’ll give you plenty of ‘pupper kisses’ whenever we get home, then. If we get home.”

“...You said you would never talk about that.”

“It was just so cute, I couldn’t help myself!” Lupa looked up at me, wagging her tail. “It’s rare that I see that side of you.”

“And to think you’ll never see it again.” I replied.

“You’re just mad because you’re cute.”

“I’m handsome, dammit! Girls and pretty boys are cute. I? I am a man! See this beard? That’s some man shit!”

“...You’re a cute little fool, yes you are.”

“Shut up, Lupa, we’re almost there.” I drily responded.

“We have nine tunnels left to pass, so we’ve got at least fifteen more minutes of walking.”

“And I’ve got about fifteen seconds left of patience.”

“I’ll be sure to spend that time wisely.” Lupa chuckled.

“Please don’t.”

She respected my wishes (for once) and we walked on in peace for the last clip. Once we saw the ladder leading to the surface, I noticed that there was water sluicing down from the manhole cover, so I hung back for a moment before climbing it, just in case those fluids were something I didn’t want to touch. After five minutes of waiting, the water wasn’t stopping, so I assumed that it was clear to ascend. Lupa had a harder time than I did with the ladder, but she still managed to stay right up my arse, unfortunately.

With a nose in my bum and a rusty ladder supporting me, I pushed against the cover and found that it was actually surprisingly light, far less heavy than the other one I had lifted. I clambered out of the sewer and found myself in what appeared to be a communal bath of some sort. I had never made use of the one in Canterlot because it just seemed weird to me, but luckily, there were no patrons at this hour. I scooted the cover the rest of the way off of the hole and Lupa joined me topside. I left the cover slightly misaligned just in case I needed to make a quick escape, but decided against it at the last moment, hoping that I would have enough time to make my exit through where I had came from.

I scanned the bath house before carrying on, my eyes sweeping over white tile of every kind, and over the large steaming body of water that was the main bath. I was standing in the shower stalls currently, but I needed to hurry up and get out of the open. I hunkered down to a familiar stance and snuck my way through the bathing area, happy that it was empty. Consulting my mental map, I left the bathing area and tried to find the kitchen, the place where I had origianlly made my plans.

Now, to say that the castle was massive would be an understatement, and to say that it felt anything like the one in Canterlot would just be flat out wrong. Instead of the clean marble that adorned the walls of Celestia’s castle, the architecture of the Gryphonian structure was far more Victorian-esque. It reminded me of a cathedral in a way that sent chills down my spine, but I wasn’t about to let a hostile environment stall me. I cast a couple glances down either side of the hall leading to the bath and saw a guard patrol closing in quickly. They appeared to work in pairs and were heavily armored, though from what I could see, they appeared quite bored with their task, despite Luna’s failed attempts on Adolf’s life.

The guards passed at a lazy gait, and I hid behind a particularly large potted plant. Lupa, with her size, chose an erect stature of armor that loomed over most other decorations, standing straight up to keep herself in cover. I held my breath as they passed, not wanting to give either of them a chance to spot me.

Luck was not on my side. Just as they cleared Lupa’s hiding space, she did the stupidest, most retarded fucking thing that she could have done. She sneezed. In fairness, one cannot control a sneeze without opposable thumbs, but I would have appreciated it far more if she had not done exactly that. The guards turned on their heels and scanned the area for the source of the noise, and they found Lupa all too quickly. Just as I was preparing to cleave their heads from their shoulders, Lupa began whimpering and tucked her tail between her legs, backing up as far into the wall as she possibly could. The guards traded a look and one of them went over to her with a hand outstretched.

“C’mon now, ya mangy mutt. Don’t know how you got in here, but we can’t let ya bleed on the carpet-”

I swung my tendril, the tip formed into a flat round shape, and the guard stopped moving, his head slowly sliding off of his neck like it was a shitty anime or something. His buddy drew breath and prepared to shout, but Lupa was on him in the blink of an eye, ripping off his helmet and most of his face in one go. With the poor sod’s beak in her mouth, Lupa tossed her head and flung the beak in my direction before she ripped the bastard’s throat out.

It was a quick and brutal affair, and now we had to stow the bodies in our former hiding places. Once they were firmly stuck in the shadows, I continued making my way into the kitchens. I redoubled my focus on the mission in order to choke down the guilt I was feeling after needlessly ending two more lives, but that was exactly what I had signed up for when I agreed to do this and I had understood it both times I had been offered the chance. Still, one’s expectations often pale in comparison to the reality they face, and I was getting a good heaping of that lesson again. My stomach was quite unsettled, though it was a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things. Who’s ever heard of a hero with a tummy ache?

After dodging two more patrols, we finally found the kitchens, but were unable to enter due to some twenty four hour staff that were toiling the night away, cleaning up and preparing for tomorrow’s meals. I consulted my mental map yet again and hoped that this was the entrance to the kitchen that I had been hoping for and turned around, stalking out into the castle proper once more. Between Lupa’s ears and my own, we were able to avoid being caught outright, though her damned tail caught more vases than you would ever believe. As I’m writing, Lupa would like to make it known that it was the fault of the vases for being too poorly balanced, but I’m more curious as to how she can read my writing. When I asked her about that, she told me to worry about something more important, but I digress.

After catching more pottery than I had in my entire life, we had made it to the correct side of the castle, but were discovered by an unlucky maid. Before she could scream for help, I ran over and clamped her beak shut with my hand, hoping that I wouldn’t have to kill her.

“I’m not here to hurt you, so don’t scream.” I stared into her eyes.

She nodded. “Alright. I’m going to let you go, but if you scream, I will have to kill you. I really don’t want to, but I will, okay?”

Her eyes widened further and she nodded rapidly.

“Good.” I slowly eased my hand off of her beak and she stood completely still.

“Now, I want you to forget that you ever saw me, okay? You never stopped, you were just passing through and saw nothing, right?”

“...A-Are you here…” She shook her head. “Why are you here?”

“For reasons that will benefit our great nation.” I replied evenly, hoping to give her the impression of a sly rebel, come for a regime change.

“...Are you here for The Great Bastard?” She whispered.

“I am.”

She lifted a hand to a bruise on her face, just below her eye. “I-I can help you!”

“Are you one of Luna’s ‘friends’?”

She nodded again. “I’m Broomhilda, I helped her the last time when she almost got caught.”

“Then let's hope you’re not bad luck. Can you help me get to the fourth level of the far west tower?”

“T-That’s not the right place! Y-You’re looking for the fifth level of the northern tower, That’s where the King really stays. I-I can take you there!”

“Alright, let’s be quick about it then. You go on, I’ll follow you from the shadows. If you run into a guard, just make something plausible up, won’t you?”

“I won’t let you down! Es lebe der Widerstand!”

I had no fucking clue what that meant. “Es lebe der Widerstand, sister. Let’s get a move on.”

Broomhilda took the lead with Lupa and I ducking in the shadows, hard pressed to keep up with her. There had been no glimmer in Broomhilda’s eye, no subtle twitch in her face or alteration to her voice that would lead me to believe that she wasn't on my side, but every time we had to hold tight while a patrol was passing, my heart hammered for fear of her selling us out. After the third patrol, however, I was starting to understand just how much King Adolf was failing as a leader. I had seen brawls start over the mere mention of his name in town, but his loyalists were far outnumbered by those against him, and those brawls almost always ended with the loyalists on the floor. The people of Gryphonia were pissed, and even members of the castle staff, those who were supposed to be most loyal to the crown, were fed up with the turmoil that Adolf had brought.

It was kind of an odd contrast to another famous Adolf, if you think about it.

I saved the thought for another time and kept my eyes on Broomhilda’s tail. Now that I write it down, it sounds awfully dirty, but I was literally watching her cat tail for signs of a patrol so I would have time to hide. If it flicked to the right, I had a few moments, but if it flicked to the left, I had to make a split second leap, something that I learned the hard way after nearly getting spotted again. We were making good headway until a patrol stopped Broomhilda about three quarters into our ascent to the northernmost tower. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but the conversation slowly grew louder and my acute hearing was able to pick up once they rose past the whispers that they had been using. The lead guard was telling her that she had no reason to be in this part of the castle at such and hour, and I happened to agree, but Broomhilda was doing me a favor. I needed to do her one in turn.

Creeping closer, I slid in and out of cover until I saw the guard rear back and prepare to strike Broomhilda. I formed my tendril into one large spike and sent it through the air like a bullet, catching the poor fucker dead in the face. His partner and Broomhilda stood in shock, but before either of them could move, I had laced my tendril around the guard’s neck and rapidly tightened it. Sadly for him, I was in no position to extend any kind of mercy, so I dragged him back to where I was hiding, increasing the pressure as they got closer. I heard a loud snap and my target fell totally limp, but I approached with the Warbling Blade and drove it home into the base of his skull, through his jaw, just in case a broken neck wasn’t good enough. Broomhilda stood and stared at me in shock.

“We’re wasting moonlight, love. Let’s keep moving.” I said quickly.

“Y-You killed them…”

“The resistance has drawn blood before, Broomhilda." I covered smoothly. "This isn’t the first, nor will it be the last time blood is spilt for peace, so make your own with it for now. We have a task that needs to be completed.”

She gulped down air before losing her dinner in a nearby vase. I was happy to give her the time, seeing as how I was feeling much the same at the moment, but thankfully my dinner had already been pried from me by something equally disgusting in a different way. Once she had finished ridding her stomach of it’s contents, I clapped a hand down on her shoulder.

“First time?” I asked softly.

“Y-Yeah…”

“Hey, at least you didn’t kill them, I did. Don’t you go feeling guilty for my actions, because it won’t get you anywhere and I guarantee that you’ll find the answers you’re looking for, but right now, I’ve got two bodies to hide and we need to get a move on.” Luckily, the carpets were already blood red, so the addition of some extra colorant wasn’t an issue, but finding a place for the bodies was. Broomhilda pointed us to a room that was used for passing dignitaries that just so happened to be empty at the moment, so between myself and Lupa, we dragged the remains in there and kept on toward our goal.

I agreed to meet Broomhilda in a specific room after half an hour so that she could get me out of the castle, and I told her to leave once an hour and a half was up. Leaving her behind, Lupa and I entered the final stretch, the last two flights of stairs before we would meet the King. I steeled my nerves and cast a quick glance at Lupa who seemed more bored than anything, but I couldn’t risk the noise to ask her what was going through her mind.

After I finally ascended the last few steps of the tower, I had a long, straight, bare corridor ahead of me, and at the far side of it were six guards stood abreast. They formed a literal wall between me and my goal, so in order to get close, I was going to have to be tricky. I thought hard, trying to find a way around them so I wouldn’t have to add more bodies to my conscience, but I found nothing. I even tried devoting more of my precious time to the issue, but all I could come up with was slaying them. There were twenty meters at least between me and the guards, and nothing to hide behind. I brought my helpful little murder tentacle back into existence and prepared to… I dunno, slap it on a wall or something since they were out of my range.