Okay, so I may have gotten lazy with my journals immediately after stroking my own ego about doing so well with them. I only missed a few days, so I don’t consider it that bad, but I still should have been more on top of my writing, though in my defense, other than a talk with Spike, nothing terribly important happened. I would have recorded more of my time with Twilight or some of the things Noir and I found to do, but after that little talk with Spike, I didn’t really feel like writing very much and the past couple of days were just boring. Seriously, the only times I had to leave the house were to go have a smoothie with Dash and have that little chat with Spike.

Since I keep mentioning it, I might as well write down what the talk was about. Spike came to a realization with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom when they started arguing over who would spend the day with him Spike told me that, ultimately, he was going to have to choose between one or the other, and he just didn’t like that idea, and now he had Scootaloo interested in him too. I felt like the guy just needed a break from dealing with his girls, so I suggested that he spend few days by himself, but he said that doing so before had made both of his girls unhappy. The guy was in a bit of a bind, so I offered to talk to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle while he was catching some much needed alone time, though he wasn’t too keen on having me handle his business for him. Spike resolved to talk to them about the way he felt the next time he saw them, and I wished the poor guy the best of luck.

The day after that, I met Rainbow Dash for that smoothie and we had a pretty good time. We got our drinks to go and sat in the park, poking fun at people passing by until we got caught calling this one blue mare with light brown hair a ‘chubby chunkums’. I hadn’t actually said it, but I received the blame nonetheless. The woman seemed to be more upset with me for the simple fact that she wasn’t familiar with me, so after Rainbow dashed away leaving me to deal with our consequences, I talked the woman out of being mad and she joined me on the park’s bench.

I learned that her name was Blueberry Tart, one of the women that Onyx saw on the regular. She was surprised to find that I knew the older guy, but I assured her that our relationship was like that of a father and son rather than me being one of his paramours. The thought of being under that hulking mass of pink muscle made me gag a little bit and Blue had a laugh at my reaction. We sat and talked for a good while after I apologized on Rainbow’s behalf for calling her chubby and cleared up the fact that I didn’t think she was chubby at all. The woman had a pretty good figure on her for being somewhere in her forties, though I said it in a very platonic way since I wasn’t trying to find another woman to shag on the side. I had enough already and Blue just wasn’t that type of woman to me. She reminded me a lot of how a mother is supposed to be, though I guess I wouldn’t really know beyond my experience with mothers who weren’t my own.

I invited Blue over to my house for a cuppa whenever she was free and she told me that she would be delighted to make my acquaintance sometime. We agreed that we would meet at a later date and left each other’s company after that. I’d taken a real liking to her and she seemed to enjoy my snark and wit enough to not hate me, so I figured that I just made a new friend. Blue was cooler than I had expected her to be since most Unicorns were snobby pricks, but that’s what you get when you have a small town as relaxed about social structure as Ponyville. Granted, it still existed no matter how you wanted to look at it, but I was at the top due to my status as a Baron. It sucked that I had been placed at the top without really having any input in the matter, but at least I wasn’t universally hated or anything.

Two days later, I woke up and started my day as I tend to do. A shower, some shaving, and a mug of coffee darker than Noir’s favourite activities. I’d woken up at five in the morning, so I had plenty of time to smoke and watch the Sun rise. I had never actually seen Celestia raise the Sun, but now that she was on my mind, I sent her a note, asking how she was doing. I had assumed that she was already in Day Court since she’d made the Sun get its fiery arse up in the sky, but I was surprised to learn that she actually did the Sun thing before breakfast every day so she would be able to enjoy her breakfast. I thought that it didn’t really matter since she could make her own damned schedule if she felt like it, but the way she had meted out her time made sense to me, even if I did think it was dumb.

Celestia wrote me back after a few minutes and wished me well during the course of my day, so I wrote her back and wished her an interesting day because I’m an arse like that. I consider interesting days to be generally bad, but in Celestia’s case, the word still had a positive connotation so it wasn’t like I had wished her a shitty day, at least, in her books. I grinned to myself and wondered what I should spend my day doing. I figured that I could go visit Twilight and see if her estrus was over so that we could go back to how things usually were, but I’d spent most of my time with Twilight over the past few weeks, so I picked someone else to spend my morning with. Fluttershy and Applejack were the only ones I that I knew would be up at this hour, so I headed over to Fluttershy’s cabin first since she was closer.

The walk over there had me passing a mother goose and her goslings, but I didn’t have any bread for them. I felt bad and apologized for not having a meal to give them, but the mother goose told me that they had just eaten at Fluttershy’s so it was fine. With that conversation over, I told her to have a good, boring day and she honked at me. I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, so I just left and continued heading towards Fluttershy.

I got there a little late to help her feed the nocturnal animals, but she still had plenty of diurnal animals to take care of, so I lent her a hand and we got the day started right for her little friends. I appreciated Fluttershy’s restraint in not trying to dry hump me as soon as she saw me, but that didn’t last very long. She tried to convince me to give her some of the ol’ pole once we were finished with feeding her animals and I just told her to run it by Twilight since I was getting tired of Fluttershy’s advances. I didn’t want to start hating her for wanting me, but I was starting on that path, regardless of how I felt about it. When Fluttershy told me that she would indeed talk to Twilight about borrowing me, I took her outside, away from her animals.

“Look, Fluttershy. I’m not going to sit here and let you keep propositioning me whenever you see me. I’m honestly starting to feel like you don’t give a damn about me as a friend.” I said tersely.

Fluttershy stroked her mane. “I-I would never want you to think that you’re anything less than a friend to me, Max! I’ll stop asking so often, but I don’t exactly see you all the time…”

“But when you do see me, you ask. I know Twilight said it was cool under conditions, but please take my feelings into account. I’m not some toy to be passed around: I’m a person with thoughts and feelings.”

Fluttershy’s eyes welled up. “I’m so sorry! I never meant to make you feel that way!”

I gave her a hug because I wasn’t really that mad. “It’s okay, just keep it in mind, yeah? I know you like sex, but that’s not the only thing I’m good for.”

“Well… It was easier when we could go on dates.” Fluttershy said softly.

“Things change, poppet. You know that. Accept it for what it is and move on.” I told her not unkindly.

She nodded sadly. “I will. I don’t have to be happy about it, right?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be, though it’s an option I’ll never deny you.”

She gave me a look and sighed. “How could I be happy that I lost my coltfriend to one of my own friends? I know that you and Twilight have something special, but I can’t help but think that maybe I won’t find somepony for myself.”

“What about Applejack? You two seem to have the physical part of your relationship down.” I suggested.

“It’s just not the same. I love Applejack as a friend, but not as a lover, and she can’t satisfy me the way you do.” Fluttershy said.

“You know you can buy a vibrating strap-on, right?” I asked.

“A what?” Fluttershy looked at me, bewildered.

I gave her a devious grin. “We’re going to go grab Applejack and take a little field trip back to my house. I was going to wait until your birthday, but now seems like a better time.”

“Max, what are you talking about?” She asked. “Should I be scared?”

“Only if you hate pleasure.” I said cryptically.

Fluttershy had more questions for me, but my answers never got any clearer. She eventually gave up about three quarters of the way to Applejack’s farm, so I considered that a plus. When we collected the orange cowgirl, she had similar questions to Fluttershy’s, but my answers didn’t change enough to give anymore information. Still, they followed me back to my house, though Applejack stopped and took a stand when I wouldn’t give her a straight answer until I told her that it was sex related and awesome.

Once we arrived at my house, I had Applejack and Fluttershy wait in my living room while I went upstairs to grab their presents. I had a random wired vibrator that I hadn’t really intended on giving anyone and the strap-on in my hands when I went downstairs, though I hadn’t taken them out of their boxes. I gave the strap-on to Applejack and the vibrator to Fluttershy, but I didn’t tell them anything about their gifts. I did tell them to open them the next time they wanted to spend some quality time together and they looked at each other before rushing off to do just that. Chuckling, I watched them leave and grabbed my pipe kit before heading over to Twilight’s for some nice relaxing faffing about.

No one was home when I got there, so I meandered about the ineptly name Town Square in hopes of finding something to do. I came across Rarity while she was doing some shopping and offered to carry some of her bags for her since I’m nice on occasion. She thanked me for being a gentleman and continued on with grabbing her groceries while I got lost in thought. I wondered what life would be like if I had chosen Rarity over Twilight, but it didn't sound terribly appealing to me. Constantly explaining that I didn’t mean to offend her, going over simple jokes, and telling her that there were just some things that I didn’t want to talk about didn’t strike me as a fun time, so I perished the thoughts and wondered about Fluttershy for a little bit.

It wasn’t that hard to see myself with Fluttershy since she was the first one of the girls that I’d started dating. I knew that I liked her as a person, but her nymphomania wore on me from time to time and I swear that all the girl thinks about is sex. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that she had been writing fanfiction or something lame like that about me since she met me, but without asking her, there was no real way to know. I could always go for a snoop around her house, but doing something that I’d cussed people out for just didn’t strike me as a terribly fun thing to do.

While shopping with Rarity and being lost in my thoughts, Blue showed up out of… Well, the blue, and asked if I wanted to have that cup of tea with her in a few hours. I agreed, though Rarity was a little put off that I wouldn’t be spending my day with her. She didn’t have to say anything for me to know, so I offered to come back and spend some more time with her once Blue and I were finished with tea, which she agreed to in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that Rarity still had feelings for me as well, but I knew that she wouldn’t make a move for fear of hurting Twilight, much like Fluttershy.

Rarity and I dropped her crap off at her flat and had some ‘special tea’, as she called it. I asked if it was from a specialty shop and Rarity responded appropriately with a loud groan and a shake of her head. We had the tea, though it tasted a little funny to me, and I noticed that Rarity was acting a bit strangely. She wasn’t talking as much as she usually did and asked me if I liked the tea three times over the course of a conversation. I told her that I did, despite feeling the exact opposite way and excused myself to go throw up after finishing my second cup. My stomach had gone sour out of nowhere and my body felt like it was heating up to the point where I nearly stripped in Rarity’s bathroom just to ease my suffering. I noticed that the old chap was standing upright in a way that made my think he was about to explode and I put the pieces together.

Rarity was waiting outside of the door, so I asked, “Rarity, did you fucking drug me?”

Her eyes shot open in genuine alarm. “What? No, Max, I would never do such a thing to you.” Like you haven’t in the fucking past.

“What was in that tea.” It wasn’t so much a question as a demand for an answer.

“I-I don’t know! Besides tea leaves, I truly don’t know Max, please believe me!” She pleaded.

Her body language said that she was being honest, so I stayed my hand. “What’s it called?”

“Well, it’s called... “ She muttered the name too softly for me to hear.

“Don’t make me ask again.” I warned.

Rarity flinched. “I-It’s called ‘Lover’s Tea’...”

“So it’s an aphrodisiac? Seriously, Rarity? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I snarled.

“I-I didn’t know! I just thought it sounded like nice tea!” She lied poorly.

I groaned and closed the bathroom door to adjust myself. Once I was nice and low-key with the old chap, I opened it again to find Rarity wringing her hands. I walked right past her without saying a word to her. She knew that it was an aphrodisiac, and she’d known that I wouldn’t take kindly to being slipped something that would make me do something I hadn’t planned on doing, so Rarity was officially on my shit list. The only reason I didn’t flat out assault her was because… Well… I don't really have a good reason. I left so that I wouldn’t do that, which I considered a good thing. In any case, I was as furious as I was hard, and that was enough to make me think that seeing Rarity in the next few days was a bad idea.

I headed home since I severely needed some relief, though I was too mad to wank. I didn’t want to tear my own dick off because I wanted Rarity’s tits on a platter, so I tried waiting until I wasn’t as livid, but the only thing I really wanted to do was beat Rarity black and blue for slipping me something again. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if it had been a one time thing, but this was the second time Rarity slipped me something and I felt so betrayed, I wrote her a note telling her that coming to my house would be the most foolish idea she’d ever had, and that I would happily see her in Hell the next time I visited. She didn’t respond, which pissed me off even more because I’d wanted her to say something that would make me go back into town to wipe the makeup off of her face with my fists.

I recognized my fury for what it was and had a seat to meditate. It took three times the usual amount of attempts to get into my mindscape, but once I was there, I found myself in the middle of a clearing with the sound of a babbling brook in the distance. Noir was sitting in the tall, lush grass and patted the spot next to her, signalling me to have a seat next to her.

I walked over and plopped down. “Why? Why would she do that?” I asked.

“As was the case before, Rarity wanted you in a way that she did not think you would be willing to give her. Keep in mind that this is the first time that she is aware of doing anything to you.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt less.” I said bitterly.

Noir went to lay a hand on my shoulder, but thought better of it. “Perhaps some hunting would take your mind off of it?”

I conjured up a copy of Rarity and a handgun. It doesn’t take a genius to know that I unloaded the whole clip into her. “This works better.”

As I was loading another clip, Noir waved away my creations. “Taking out your aggressions on facsimiles of her is not healthy.”

“It feels so much better.” I said irritably.

Noir rose and offered me a hand. “Come, Max. We will find something interesting to do while you wait for the aphrodisiac to wear off.”

I accepted her olive branch since I wasn’t mad at her, though I was still pretty heated. “Let’s kill something big. I want to ride the Lursite into battle.”

Noir chuckled. “At least you are still creative. We could revisit another war from my past if you are interested.”

“Can I still ride the Lursite?” I asked.

She chuckled some more. “Of course, thought I do not think it will be terribly fair if you do.”

“Who gives a damn.” I muttered darkly.

Noir rolled her eyes and the clearing started filling up with various bipedal creatures. There were Dogs, Cats, a Naga or two, a lot of Ponies, and even a Dragon that was twice Spike’s size. I was tempted to slip Rarity in there, just to kill her again, but Noir gave me a look that promised retribution if I so much as tried. It was frustrating to have someone who was neither my parent or my boss stop me from doing things I wanted to do, but I understood why Noir didn’t want me killing Rarity over and over again, despite my belief that it would be more therapeutic than killing nameless people in mismatched armor.

I brought forth the Warbling Blade and Nacht once more, preparing to dive head first into the fray when Noir laid a hand on my shoulder. “This is not a skirmish, Max. Choose an opponent.”

I rose from my crouch and scanned the crowd. I spotted something I wasn’t familiar with and pointed at it. “That one. The one with the horns.”

“A buffalo. A good choice for someone such as yourself.” Noir said cheerfully. She began walking toward the edge of the circle and the buffalo moved forward.

It seemed smaller in the distance, but as it approached, I saw that it was considerably taller and burlier than I was. It didn’t have any visible weapons on it, but its hands were wrapped in cloth, so I figured that it was more of a hands-on kind of fighter. I let Nacht disappear, but kept the Warbling Blade since I doubted that I would be able to beat it without some kind of weapon. Noir called out something unintelligible and the Buffalo started moving toward me, so I took that as the signal to begin.

I circled the Buffalo, watching its strides and measuring its arms. It had a good reach advantage on me, but I rather doubted that it wouldn’t be able to use every centimeter to its fullest. I didn’t know its style, so I approached it in my stance and kept myself light on my toes. Once there was little more than a meter between us, the buffalo charged me with its head down and I sidestepped it handily, stabbing it twice in the back as it passed. Neither strike was very deep, and the Buffalo didn’t stop there. It circled around a few feet after it passed me and lunged, throwing a punch with its full weight behind it.

I didn’t want to get hit, so I waited until it was nice and close to landing its punch to duck and drive my blade deep into its stomach. It froze in place as I helped it along with committing seppuku, spilling its entrails all over me. That was pretty gross and its corpse was now slumped on me. Unluckily for me, the bastard was heavy, so I had to use my tentacle to get it off. Noir was already walking toward me to dispel the body when I cleaned myself off, so I met her half way.

“Is that it? Next time, point me towards someone with a weapon.” I requested.

Noir nodded and patted my shoulder. “Easy fights are not fun. You could have the Dragon next, if you like.”

“I’m sure you want it more than I do.” I said flatly.

Noir grinned and it started walking forward. “I do. Would you mind terribly if I took a turn?”

I shrugged. “Go for it. Murder the shit out of that thing.” I started walking toward the edge of the circle.

“This one’s for you, baby!” She called after me.

I squeezed in between two Earth Ponies to watch as Noir worked her magic. She and the Dragon bowed to each other before getting started, which I thought was a nice touch. Noir conjured her usual claymore while the Dragon went for two wicked looking blades that had been strapped to its back. They seemed so stylized, edgy, and franky unusable that I highly doubted its prowess, but once Noir looked back and had me start the fight, I saw that they weren’t just for show. The Dragon moved like fire itself, its blades flickering around Noir as she dodged and dipped, trying not to allow it to score a blow. Her own swings were met with parries that rang throughout the clearing.

The Dragon kept the pressure up, but I never believed for a second that it would overtake Noir. From the way she was moving I could tell that she wasn’t fighting like her life depended on it, and apparently the Dragon sensed it too because it just got faster as time went on. I could trace the paths of its swings if I was focusing, but I was certain that I would have gotten fucking destroyed if I had chosen to go against it. Noir was taking its attacks and returning with her own like she was swatting flies.

Noir was poetry in motion. Probably Edgar Allen poetry since it was like a dark dance of violence, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I wanted nothing more than to jump in and join her in her fight, but I knew that she would be upset with me if I ruined such a good thing for her. While I was holding myself back, the first blow was scored, though unfortunately, it was on Noir. She took it like a champ and I could feel her get serious, despite the distance between us. It was as if the air dropped by a few degrees in preparation for her, and I couldn’t help but notice that, despite being emotionless constructs, everyone in the circle moved back.

Noir beat the Dragon back with the flat of her blade, as if punishing it for daring to mar her countenance. I couldn’t help the grin that formed on my face as she began attacking with the edge of her blade, opening gouges in the creature’s natural armor. It started losing ground once Noir stopped playing around, but I couldn’t help but think that she wasn’t giving it her all yet, saving her worst for the best opponent perhaps. She parried three blows in a row, stunning the Dragon for a few seconds while she worked on giving me things to make puns about. The first limbs to go were it’s arms, but that didn’t mean that the Dragon was defenseless. After all, it’s a fucking Dragon, so it started breathing fire at Noir, causing her to lose some ground herself. She took a page from my book and broke into a sprint around the Dragon, occasionally changing directions to get closer to it.

I don’t know if it ran out of fire or had lost too much blood, but when Noir was about two meters away from it, the fire stopped and she took her chance. One heavy swing later, and we had something worthy of mounting on a wall. Noir waved a hand and the body disappeared, leaving me to walk around and look for another opponent.

Noir met me about halfway and asked, “Isn’t this grand? Any person, any time, any weapon. Fights were made to be like this!”

I chuckled. “It’s pretty cool to test my strength against whatever I want. I trust you to find a good opponent for me, since I apparently can’t choose worth a damn.”

She tapped her chin and looked around. A black Pegasus with a longsword on its hip started walking forward and she wished me luck before joining the peanut gallery to watch the show. I brought Nacht back into existence and gave it a few test swings while the Pegasus approached. Noir called for the battle to begin before we had a chance to square off, so I immediately dropped into my stance and rushed the Pegasus before it could draw its sword.

I know it was a cheap move, but I wanted to win, and I was willing to use my wit and lack of morals to do so. I could have sworn I heard it curse as it tried to make some distance, but I was already too close for it to avoid getting hit by the Warbling Blade. It wasn't a terribly deep cut, but it made the Pegasus take a few more steps away from me once it had its sword drawn. I didn’t want to give it time to get prepared, so I lunged once again, and once my feet hit the ground, I feinted to the left and committed to the right, tricking the Pegasus into dodging the wrong way. It gave it it good laceration of its upper arm for its mistake and found myself growing a little angry with the Pegasus. It hadn’t shown me anything good so far, making me back off so I could see if it would actually be a decent fight.

The Pegasus approached slowly, tensed up to dodge wherever it needed, but when I just stood and glared at it, the creature gained some confidence and came at me quickly with a well timed swing. I jumped back to avoid getting cut and lunged forward, but this time, there was a blade heading straight for me, so I deflected it with the Warbling Blade and swung Nacht at its side, but the Pegasus’ speed with the blade was impressive. It blocked my blow and sent another myway, so I made a risky dodge and got within its reach, never expecting the Pegasus to turn around and buck me. Luckily, it hit me in the chest, so nothing was broken, but it did mean that I flew away, rolling once before getting up on one knee. It had knocked the breath out of me something fierce, and that was all it need to come at me for real.

I performed some anaerobic exercises in dodging the swings from the Pegasus, but I needed to breath just as badly as I needed to not get hit. I panted heavily once I got my breath back and made sure that I was fine before straight up running away from the Pegasus. It close behind, so when I looked back and saw that I was about to get cut, I rolled to the left and came up quickly before the Pegasus could get another swing in. I thrust Nacht deep into its side, but the creature didn’t fall. Instead, it seemed to go into a berserk mode that I’d seen before and I had to reverse my grip on the Warbling Blade to help deflect the torrent of blows that were coming my way. The odd shallow cut still landed from time to time, but I wasn’t quite dead yet, so when it went for a heavy overhead swing with both hands, I stepped into its guard and stuck the Warbling Blade into its ribs, aiming for its heart. It still didn’t die and sent a knee straight into my crotch.

I had been annoyed before, but now I was pissed. I ignored the pain and stabbed the Pegasus’ arms and legs, no longer aiming for a killing blow. I severed tendons and muscles like I was slicing through butter, my assault unending. Once I’d gotten a little upset, the Pegasus never stood a chance, and it was painfully obvious as I kept hacking away at the ligaments that made its body work. It fell to its knees once I whirled around and sliced its hamstrings, but even though it could no longer move its arms, I wasn't done yet. I ended up stabbing the thing eight more times before Noir came and stopped me. The only reason it had stayed kneeling at this point was because I was holding it up with Nacht in its chest.

Noir gripped my right hand as I was going for another lethal blow. “Max, that’s enough.” Noir said softly.

“That was not cool!” I protested. “Attacking the groin is like using fucking magic or something!”

“Regardless, it was dead seven stabs ago. Once you destroyed its brain, it was over.” Noir informed me. “Perhaps fighting was not the best way to abate your anger.”

I caught my breath and cleaned myself of the blood that had sprayed on me. “You think? Don’t get me wrong, this is fun, but I still want to hurt Rarity.”

“...Perhaps you would enjoy learning the bow?” Noir suggested. She gave me a look and said, “We’re not using Rarity shaped targets.”

“I want that to be a last resort if I can’t hit anything.” I requested.

“It’s not a resort at all. I will not have you harming the likeness of one of your friends.” Noir sid firmly.

“How friendly is Rarity really? She’s date raped me once and practically tried to do it again, so forgive me if I’m not exactly eager to forgive her.”

“I understand, Max-”

“But do you really, Noir? I know you can feel my emotions or whatever, but do you know what it’s like to have your trust thrown in your face, time after time, by people who promised to never hurt you? Do you know what it’s like for someone to be after your body and pretty much just that? I mean fucking seriously, am I nothing but a piece of meat that happens to say funny stuff-”

“Shut up.” Noir said coldly. “I have known far worse betrayals than you would ever know, child. This little incident with Rarity is so miniscule, so damned unimportant in the grand scheme of your life, that I want nothing more than to tell you to get the fuck over it. Quit your whining and-”

I closed my eyes and opened them in my house. I knew that Noir was right about there being worse ways to betray someone, but there was no way that I was ever going to agree with her about getting over it. Being stabbed in the back so many times made me want nothing to do with Rarity anymore, and I was still pissed at her for being so fucking sneaky, but Noir’s scathing words had hurt about half as much as Rarity’s betrayal. I knew that she was probably just trying a different tactic or had just become tired of dealing with me, but her words had still left their mark, as much as I would like to say otherwise. Noir was more than a friend to me, so her words weighed rather heavily in my mind, but I tried to let it go.

Unfortunately, I was still rock hard since the aphrodisiac hadn’t worn off and my dick felt like it was ready to punch through my pants and slap me, so after cooling off for a few moments, I walked around my house and touched random things until I was breathing normally again, but I didn’t really want to go back into my mind. I was debating going back in when I heard a knock on my door. I assumed that it was Blue, come for that cup of tea that we’d mentioned earlier, so I wasted no time in getting to the door.

“Hello, Max!” Blue said brightly. “Are you ready for tea?”

“Of course. Do you want to check my stock, or do you want to go somewhere?” I asked.

“Well, I’m curious as to what a Baron would have.” Blue said.

“Then come on in. There’s this one tea from Saddle Arabia that I’ve gotten pretty fond of, but you might want to give it a smell first.” I turned around and headed toward my kitchen

“I’ll give it a sniff.” Blue chuckled. “So what happened to Rarity?” She looked around as she followed me.

“She tried slipping me an aphrodisiac, and now I’m mad at her.”

Blue gave me an odd look. “Why would she do that? She’s a pretty enough mare, I’m sure you would have listened if she’d asked.”

“I would have, but she didn’t think so, apparently.” I said with much salt. “Let’s get off this topic and move on to something else. How’s the clothing business in Ponyville?”

“Well, it was nice and profitable before Rarity showed up.” Blue sighed. “Now a lot of ponies want customized outfits, but we just can’t do that.”

“Really? I’m pretty sure that most of the casual clothes that I have are from your shop. It’s not like you have bad stuff.”

She shrugged. “It’s just the way things are, honey. I’m not mad at her for it, though I do wish that she would hurry up and take her business to Canterlot. It’s obvious that she wants to.”

“Rarity is complicated like that. I don’t think she’s ever actually going to leave Ponyville, but what do I know? She might decide to leave tomorrow.”

“I wish she would.” Blue muttered under her breath. At my raised brow, she blushed and asked, “Oh, did you hear that?”

“There isn’t much that gets past me these days. I don’t blame you for wanting the biggest threat to your business to leave.”

“Oh, I just feel like such a bad pony for saying that! It’s not her fault that she has her own hopes and dreams, but I just hate that they’re interfering with mine! You understand, right?” Blue asked.

“Of course I do, Blue. I probably understand better than anyone else. Maybe you could talk to her and collaborate on some designs? I’m sure that she has the skill to make something that can be mass produced, and just think: It’ll be profitable for both of you. Rarity gets a cut of what you sell, and you get to sell something designer made at a lower price. If you need to convince her, I’d be willing to hash out some negotiations for you.” I offered.

“Aren’t you upset with her? I would hate for you to have to deal with somepony you’re not happy with just to do something for me.”

“Blue, I do that all the time. This isn’t the first time Rarity’s pissed me off, though this is probably the worst. You seem like a good sort to me, so I’m willing to help you out, and that’s really all there is to it.”

Blue gave me a brilliant smile. “Thank you, Max. You know, you remind me a lot of my son, Cream Pie. He would be about your age now.” She added sadly. Are you fucking kidding me with that name?

“He passed away?” I asked softly.

She nodded, so I said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I know what it’s like to lose family.”

“You do?” She asked.

I nodded. “Both parents and my brother.” And the rest of my species, but whatever.

She clutched her hands to her heart. “You poor thing! I only lost my parents these past few years! I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose so much so young.”

I shrugged. “My parents passed when I was younger and my brother passed a few years ago. The pain fades in time.”

Blue came over and gave me a warm hug. “Ponies say that, but the pain never really goes away, now does it?” She held me at arm’s length and smiled sadly. “You grow tougher from it, but it’s hard to love again when it feels like you can’t hold on to anypony.”

I patted her shoulder. “I wasn’t that close to my parents anyways. Why don’t we talk about something more pleasant instead of getting all morbid right away?” I chuckled.

She gave me a funny look. “What do you mean you weren’t close to your parents? How could you be distant with the ponies that raised you?”

“Only one of them gave a damn and both were bad examples in my book. How about that tea?”

Blue looked pretty upset about that, but she let the topic go and we moved on to the wonderful world of tea. She ended up going with the Saddle Arabian blend that I’d suggested and we talked about some things that go on in Ponyville that I was previously unaware of. Apparently there was a beauty pageant coming up that no one had told me about, though it wasn’t like I was planning on going anyways. Pageants really weren’t my thing in England and I felt little compulsion to go to one while I was in Equestria, so unless Twilight wanted to go, I wasn’t going to bother showing up. Other than that, life in Ponyville stays boring.

We agreed to meet during the weekend for another cuppa and Blue took her leave with a couple of my tins of tea. I wasn’t particularly fond of the kinds I’d given her, so it wasn’t like I was going to miss them at all. I waved her off at the door and sighed. I still had to deal with the Rarity thing, and now I had to go back and talk to Noir about bitching so much. I was still pissed at Rarity, but I wasn’t thinking of decking her now, so I returned to my couch and travelled into my mind again.

Noir was waiting for me in the void. There were no constructs, landmarks, or anything of the sort. It was a little unsettling, so I created a carpeted floor and some chairs for us, but Noir waved them away before I could have a seat. That annoyed me slightly, but I figured that I would hear what she had to say before doing anything.

“Max.” She said softly.

“Noir.” I replied in the same tone.

“I am… I apologize for snapping at you.” Noir held her chin high like she was daring me to disagree.

“I apologize for straight up ignoring your experiences. Your life has been Hell compared to mine, and it’s unfair of me to expect you to sit and listen while I complain about my problems.”

We stood in silence for a minute or two before I started chuckling. “We’re not going to be this weird every time we have a disagreement, are we?” I asked.

Noir lowered her chin and I saw the corners of her mouth twitch. “I suppose we could be less weird about it. I would like to compliment you on leaving before I said something I regretted.”

“You don’t regret calling me a child?” I asked, feigning emotional trauma.

“Compared to me, you are not even a sperm.” Noir cracked a little smile.

“I bet you wish you could have this sperm inside you. You’re a naughty little princess, aren’t you?” I teased.

Noir chuckled. “I was naughty as a princess, but I was bad as a queen. Both definitions would have suited me quite well.”

“Well, bad as in hot is inarguable. Bad as in evil requires me to know what you were like before you were fused into my soul.”

“Thank you for the compliment, but I do not believe that I want to tell you about my past just yet. It would be hard for you to look at me the same way.” Noir smiled sadly.

“I understand that better than most, though I would like to point out that I don’t deserve to have you around if I can’t handle the whole package. I accept you for you, Noir, not just who you want me to know.”

She’d already known that I was going to say that, but the tear in her eye still formed and fell. “It… That… Thank you. I will tell you in time, but for now, thank you for accepting me, as flawed as I am.”

I gave her a stern look. “Do I have to give you the ‘Nobody’s Perfect’ talk? I can change it up from the one I gave Celestia if you need me to.”

Noir rolled her eyes and walked toward me, stopping an arm’s length away. “There is no need for such talks. I know that I am not perfect, but that does not hinder me from wanting to make you happy. If I can help you, then you can help others and the goodwill should spread.”

“So me taking shots at Rarity seemed like a pretty big setback for you.” I surmised.

She shrugged. “I was mostly unhappy seeing you so angry at a friend. I understand your pain and why you were so upset, but Lover’s Tea is innocuous enough to ponies. It is rarely enough to cause even a stirring in one’s loins, so I understand why Rarity thought it would be harmless.”

I gave her a look. “That actually makes me a lot less mad with Rarity. Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I may have forgotten.” Noir said, looking off to the side. At my droll look, she said, “In my defense, managing two people’s memories is a challenging task. Sometimes it is quite difficult to sort through the flood of information from my thousands of years.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what living for thousands of years is like, so I’ll take your word for it. At least you remembered before I did something drastic.”

She nodded. “I am glad that you were willing to speak with me, even though you were hurt.”

I shrugged. “I was in the wrong. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you in the first place.”

Noir waited for a moment. “...Are you not going to apologize for it?”

“I’m sorry for lashing out at you.” I said sincerely. “I would have said so earlier, but I didn’t think too hard about it.”

She nodded. “Apology accepted, though if you do so again, we are wrestling. No exceptions.”

“Fine, but if you snap at me again, we’re playing pool and I shoot first.”

Noir gasped. “Surely you wouldn’t brutalize a woman in such a fashion again!?”

I stared at her. “This from the same woman who can dislocate her shoulder on command?”

“Self inflicted pain is different. Speaking of, congratulations on your first month free of self harm!” Noir beamed.

I scratched at the ghost of my beard. “Oh yeah. That’s pretty cool.”

“You are not excited. Ah, you do not think that you deserve applause for not doing something incredibly stupid anyways.”

“Exactly. I should have quit a long time ago, but the healing factor made it easy to get away with. Now that I have you around, it’s not like I’m willing to risk it anymore, just in case you tell Luna and she comes down from Canterlot to smite the fuck out of me.”

“I would smite you. There is little I can influence outside of your body, but I would be willing to expend my magic to slap you a few times.”

I patted her shoulder. “Nice to know you care, love.”

Noir gave me a peck on the cheek. “You already knew that. What do you say to a game of Monopoly?”

I gave her a funny look. “The board game?”

Noir created a table and some uncomfortable looking chairs. “Yes, the board game. I have reviewed the rules, and it seems like a simple game.”

I changed the chairs to something less sucky and had a seat. “It is, but I want to be the banker.”

Noir rolled her eyes and conjured up two white unicorns. They didn’t really look like anyone, nor did they have manes, so I assumed that Noir was filling in some of our empty slots. “The construct will be the banker. It would do you no favors anyway: I would know when you were about to cheat.”

“Wouldn’t stop me from slipping you an extra hundred now and again, but if you don’t want to have fun, I guess we can destroy our relationship.” I sighed. “Dibs on the dog.”

“Then I will take the hat. I like the hat.” Noir said simply.

Monopoly is boring as fuck on a good day, so I’m skipping all that noise. Noir won because she was better at cheating than I was, or she was extremely lucky. Either way, she rubbed it in nice and deep until I found out that I could change the color of her coat without her noticing. I turned Noir into a slightly taller version of Celestia and giggled away as she tried to gloat. Noir asked me what I was laughing about multiple times, but I couldn’t stop long enough to tell her that she pulled off the benevolent tyrant look rather well.

She eventually found out what I did when I couldn’t look at her anymore. Noir was rather annoyed by my little prank and turned me into Pinkie because she’s spiteful like that, though I changed as soon as I saw that my hands were pink. I asked Noir not to turn me into a Pony again because it felt wrong, so she tried turning into a Human version of her normal self. She still had the horn and the wings, but her facial features, hooves, and skin tone all transformed into that of your average human. I wasn’t terribly surprised that Noir decided to go with a nice chocolatey brown for her skin tone, though I was surprised at how big her feet were. What really took me by surprise was the fact that she was even hotter as a human. Like, she made supermodels look like trolls in comparison, and I found myself biting my tongue so I wouldn’t try and charm her. Noir changed back quickly enough, stating that she wasn’t terribly fond of toes, and I was grateful that I hadn’t said anything other than that she looked nice. Noir and I both knew that it was a mixed bag, seeing another human, so we let it the issue lie and Noir assured me that she would only change back into a human if I asked.

After we got over the little Human thing, I found out that Noir had a phobia of toes. Now, I’m not the worst fellow out there, so I only constructed four monuments to the things on my feet, but Noir asked me to write down that I pursued her with my shoes off for a good ten minutes after I learned of her aversion to toes. I wondered if there were any other ponies that were terrified of toes when I left, so I decided to go back to Twilight’s and give her a shot.

The walk there was interesting to say the least. The mother goose that I’d met the other day followed me around for a little bit and the ducks that had manned grape slash lemonade stand joined her in tailing me up until I got into town. Once we were there, I stopped by the other bakery in town and returned to my water fowl with a loaf of bread in hand. I tore off a sizable chunk for the mother goose to take back to her babies and gave the ducks plenty to fill their bellies. They honked and quacked their gratitude to me before departing, going back to wherever it was that they lived.

That made me smile for some odd reason.

I still had some bread left since the ducks hadn’t wanted the rest of it, so I bought some cheddar and had myself a cheese sandwich. It was pretty good, considering I didn’t have anything else on it, and it put something on my stomach so I wouldn’t ravage Twilight’s pantry. Spike was home when I came back again, so he let me in.

“So what brings you over?” Spike asked, leading the way to the kitchen.

“I want to see if my toes freak Twilight out. There was another woman that panicked pretty hard when she saw them, so I wanted to run a little experiment.”

He gave me a devious grin. “She’s not a fan of them. I used to walk around the library bareclawed, but Twilight made me start wearing house shoes when I was eight or nine. If you want to mess with her, I’m toetally in!” That’s my boy.

“Mate, you’re the best surrogate little brother a guy could ask for. When does she get home?” I asked.

“She should be back in an hour, so we have time to do stuff. I have to make dinner, but you’re free to stick around.”

I nodded. “I’ll be back in like, ten minutes. I’ve got to go see if Cobble Pot has my new boots ready.”

Spike looked down at my current boots. “I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m glad you’re getting new shoes. It’s about time, mate.”

I cringed on the inside. “What’s wrong with the ones I have on? They still work!”

He gave me a womanly look, which I assumed he picked up from being in a female heavy town. Still, it made me doubt his sexuality. “Dude, your boots saw better days when you first got here. I’m surprised they’ve held together this long.”

“I paid a hundred quid for these goddamn boots, they better last me!” I said irritably. “I just need another placed to stick knives at this point.”

“That’s pretty scary, Max.”

“Knives are tools as well as weapons, Spike. They’re not unitaskers, only usable for stabbing people.”

“I remember you telling Twilight that once. I still don’t see why you carry around weapons in a town as nice as Ponyville, but if you wanna be paranoid, go for it.” He shrugged.

I patted his shoulder and went to go see the cobbler. The guy had actually gotten my shit done yesterday, which was super cool. I didn’t need a box since it wasn’t like I had a lot of things to carry, but I really just wanted to look at the craftsmanship on my new things. I hadn't had him stylize them at all, but they were still pretty fashionable, so I’d be able to wear them with just about anything I wanted. I took the time to transfer my knives over to the new boots, but I still need to grab my dirk and put it in there. I’d taken to leaving it behind since I had the Warbling Blade on my hip and my big throwing knife taking up the slot in my old boots, but now I had an extra sheath in my shoes, so I could take it with me if I really felt like it.

I wondered if I should start carrying Nacht around with me since it was the symbol of my authority, but decided against it while I was in Ponyville. I could handle most threats with my telekinesis or Dark Magic, so there was no real reason to bring it along with me besides showing off. I figured that the Warbling Blade and the seals on it were enough to get me through whatever kerfuffle would show up in town, so it wasn’t like I was stressing about looking important. Hell, every Pony in Ponyville already knew who I was, so how could I justify bringing a fighting dagger around like I was looking to stab something anyway? No, Nacht would stay on my mantle until I left Ponyville again, and I reminded myself that I really needed to start carrying it outside of Ponyville.

Spike was waiting for me when I returned, so we took our shoes off and walked around the Treebrary for a little bit, gracing the floors with our magnificent toes until Twilight came through the door. We approached her at the same time, Spike taking her left side while I went on her right.

“Hullo, cherry. How was your day?” I asked with a devious grin.

“Yeah, how’s it going, Twilight?” Spike asked.

She gave us both an odd look. “...While I’m glad that my two favourite stallions are happy to see me, I don’t trust it for a second. What did you two do?”

I crept a little closer and Spike did the same. There wasn’t much space between Twilight, Spike and I now, so she backed up to the door, but we kept up our approach. “Why do we have to do something to want to make you feel welcome in your own home? Maybe we just want to show a little interest in you.” I said.

Spike gave Twilight a hug. “I love you, big sister!”

Twilight hugged him back, but never took her eyes off of me. “Okay, seriously, you’re starting to weird me out a little here.”

I came in for a hug and started rubbing Twilight’s legs with my toes. “Why, whatever do you mean?”

She looked down at the contact and jumped hard, absolutely freaking out. She tried to open the door to get away from our magnificent appendages, but Spike held the door shut and I kept rubbing her with my toes.

“Ew! Stop! Stop! EWWWWW!” She cried, balling her hands up and shying away from the toe-toes. She stood on one leg as if it would help her get away from them,

Spike poked the leg she was standing on with his claws and she squealed so hard. “Get those gross things off of me!” Twilight wailed.

I backed off a little and Spike followed my lead. Twilight teleported past us and ran upstairs before slamming her door shut. We looked at each other and Spike was already cracking up, so when he burst out laughing, I wasn’t too far behind, losing my shit as he lost his. We tried to talk about what had just happened, but we were dying too hard to get so much as half a sentence out, so we waited until we could breathe properly to even try again.

“Dude.” Spike chuckled.

“Dude.” I replied elegantly.

We fist bumped and put our shoes back on, though I switched over to my new boots, which were quite comfy. I headed upstairs and knocked on Twilight’s door. “Hullo? I’ve got shoes on, cherry.”

Twilight’s door opened just a smidge, and after a second, it opened all the way to expose a frowning Twilight. “That was very not nice.”

“If I’m nice all the time, how will you know when I’m being mean?” I gave her a cheeky grin.

Twilight glared at me and tried to step on my toes, but my footwork was faster than hers. “Why do you even need those things!? Ponies get around just fine with hooves!”

I stepped in like I was trying to pierce her guard and picked her up by her thighs. She panicked and wrapped her legs around me so she wouldn’t fall, which I thought was rather nice. “Humans have toes because we need them for maneuverability and climbing.” I gave her a peck. “I’ve explained this. Why didn’t you tell me that ponies don’t like toes?”

“I never had a reason to.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and pouted. “Why would I give you something to use against me”

“Because your reactions are adorable. You’ve seen my toes before, so why were you freaking out?” I asked.

“Seeing them and feeling them are two completely different things!”

“Does this mean I have to wear socks in bed?” I quipped.

“Just because you asked; Yes.”

“I can’t sleep with socks on. That’s just awful!”

Twilight shrugged. “It’s your own fault.”

“I’m not wearing socks to bed. Seriously, I can’t sleep at all with them on.”

“You should have thought about that before assaulting me with your evil feet.”

I rolled my eyes and leaned forward for a kiss. “So is your week over, or do we still have to abide by the rule?”

Twilight blushed. “It’s over. Can you let me down?”

I put her down gently and she gave me a peck for being nice. “Then you and Spike are invited to come over if you like. This is a formal invitation; you know that you’re always welcome in my home.”

She smiled. “And you know that the same is true for you. I’ll ask Spike if he wants to go.”

“I do!” He called from down the stairs. I wondered how the Hell he’d heard us until I heard him walking up.

“Then it’s settled. Let me clean up a little and feel free to come on over.” I said.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Your house is never dirty, Max. I swear, you must have obsessive compulsive tendencies or something.”

“That’s not true.” I twitched. “That’s not true.” Another twitch. “That’s not true.”

She gave me a longsuffering look and sighed. “I don’t know why you’re doing that, but I’m sure that it’s inappropriate.”

“It is. I’d probably get cussed out by someone who actually has OCD if I ever did that near them.”

She patted my shoulder and walked past me. “I’ll see you soon, my offensive little Human.”

I pinched her bottom as she passed, making her let out the most adorable ‘Eep!’. “See you soon, cherry.”

I left and went home, looking for something to clean. I wiped down my various tables and countertops because I felt like it, and since the floor didn’t need to be swept, I took my time in scanning the premises for more things to fix. My bullshit perception meant that I could spot the smallest dust bunny wherever it decided to hide, so cleaning was something that I was constantly doing. It wasn’t just that I liked to keep things presentable, I actually felt a strong compulsion to look for things to clean since I like to take care of my crap.

I left the front door unlocked so Twilight could just walk in, leaving the first floor to go collect my pipe. I was halfway through my third bowl when Twilight and Spike came in, though I was on the back porch since it was nice enough to smoke outside. They joined me after a little while and I showed Twilight the progress that Briar had made with the greenhouse project. We had four small hybrid plants that would grow over time and the plant that I’d most recently cut down was different from the one we had been smoking on, if Twilight’s analyzation was correct. I cut us off enough to make a small cigar and my sweetheart helped me get things put together so we could try it out.

It was definitely different, but I wasn’t terribly fond of it. I felt like I was speeding off of something and Twilight felt the same way, but she liked the feeling, so I gave the rest of the plant to her and went to go find my usual stuff. At least every plant was different so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting such a strong sativa again, but still, I swept and mopped everything. My house was more spotless than it had been before, and I was still bursting with energy, so I took Twilight and Spike for a brisk walk around town. By the time I’d finally calmed down, Spike was beginning to get a little tuckered out and Twilight was panting from trying to keep up with me. The shorter siblings had never stood a chance at keeping up with me, and I felt a little bad about running them ragged while trying to work out the extra energy. I was still high, but at least I wouldn’t mind sitting still now.

When we got back to my house, Twilight made me smoke three more bowls of my usual stuff. She didn’t really give me a choice. I complied because I’d wanted to smoke anyway, but being forced to ingest intoxicants always sounds like a terrible time. Thankfully, Twilight joined me for the first two, though the third one was all me.

Once the Moon was high in the sky, I sent Luna a note, thanking her for making the night so damned beautiful. It gave me a chance to finally use the observatory that I’d been ignoring up until now, and once Twilight got her hands on my telescope, she fell in love. She pointed out more constellations than I care to remember and Spike added a few that he’d read about himself. It was a good way to spend a couple of hours, though my earlier running around had worn Spike out pretty well. He took the room next to the observatory since I’d designated it as his whenever he came over.

I did some writing while Twilight skimmed through my journals, though she went back and did a deeper read once she’d gotten the general idea. I tried to ignore Twilight’s reactions to some of the darker aspects of my thoughts, but it was hard for me to sit by while she looked into my soul and saw my sins. I felt unclean, but I hoped that it wouldn’t change Twilight’s view of me. The parallel to what Noir had told me earlier that day just became even clearer, but it wasn’t like I needed something to help me understand better. I already got the picture, but the point was driven home while Twilight browsed through my deeds, and I did my best to tell myself that she would love me anyway.

Twilight suddenly sat up. “Did you really threaten to kill Diamond Tiara for bullying Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle?”

I nodded. “I did.”

“...Don’t do that again. Not to a filly or a colt.” Twilight requested.

“I make no promises, but I’ll keep your words on my mind.”

“I guess that’s all I can ask.” She sighed before laying back down on my leg.

When she didn’t continue reading, I asked, “Is something wrong? Other than the obvious.”

“It’s just… You’re such a grey pony. You’re not really good like most ponies, and you’re not really all that bad. You’re really nice to ponies who are nice to you, but if somepony crosses you, it’s like you stop caring about what ponies think of you and you make sure that the pony who upset you knows it.”

“I’m not mean for just any reason. Someone has to mess with someone I’m loyal to or betray me for me to stay mad at them for very long.”

“Or they have to do something incredibly stupid. I read through the part about Pinkie stealing your journal, and I have to ask; What does ‘cunt’ mean?”

“It’s a slur. It actually means vagina, but it’s a terribly offensive word from my world, though I don’t know why.”

“So why call Pinkie ‘Cuntie’ if you don’t know why it’s mean?” Twilight asked.

“Because it got my point across.” I said simply.

“And you really flipped a coin on whether or not you would stop calling Pinkie that name?”

“Yup. How many times have I told you that I’m not a good person?”

“A lot, and I get it. The way you do terrible things so casually kind of surprises me, but what’s really interesting is how much you’ve changed over the few months you’ve been here. You went from secretive and friendly to open and grim a few times. A lot of your journals are hard to read.”

“I understand that. Ponies aren’t exactly used to the darkness of humans, and I’m exceptionally dark for being one.”

Twilight reached up and caressed my cheek. “But it’s just who you are. You’ve said multiple times in your journals that you torture yourself over your mistakes and, if I’m not mistaken, that’s the reason you used hurt yourself so often…” She trailed off and looked at me expectantly.

I raised a brow. “I haven’t hurt myself since I learned that Noir was inside of me.”

Twilight smiled. “And just like that, you make progress. I’m proud of you, Max.”

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t stop my face from warming. “Thanks cherry, but I still have work to do.”

“That might be true, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take pride in your accomplishments so far.” Twilight admonished gently.

I put my hand on her tummy and rubbed it because I felt like it. “I’m not saying that I’m not proud, I’m just saying that I can’t get complacent. I’ve got to keep moving forward.”

“Yeeeeah?” Twilight said dreamily.

I gave her a funny look and stopped rubbing her tummy. Twilight returned to normal, though she still had a distant look on her face, so I went back to doing what I’d been doing. Twilight seemed to melt into my couch, though I couldn’t quite understand why until I put two and two together. With a grin, I put my writing aside and rubbed Twilight ears while giving her tummy the same attention and she appeared to be in bliss, though I didn’t really understand the reasoning behind it. I stopped once Twilight’s freakishly long tongue lolled out of her mouth, despite being tempted to continue just to see what else would happen if I kept going. It took Twilight a minute to come back to me, but once she did, she practically dragged me upstairs and gave me one of the best mouth hugs I’d ever received in my life.

I made a note to do that again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Morning came and I didn’t have socks on, so I was pretty content. Twilight wasn’t going to be up until the Sun rose at the earliest, and it was about five in the morning when I got up, which meant that I had a few hours of alone time to fill. After preparing for my day in the usual way, I came back upstairs and levitated Twilight out of bed with my tentacle, making sure not to wake her up. I traded my comforter for a smaller, though equally warm blanket and carried Twilight outside to my porch so I could watch the sunrise with her. I know it sounds creepy or inconsiderate of me to move her just so I could spend a nice moment with her, but at least I hadn’t woken her up. I figured that I’d probably be more okay with waking up somewhere I hadn’t laid down than with having someone wake me up just for some short event, but Twilight never woke up anyway, so it wasn’t like I had to tell her about it. I would, of course, but I could’ve just as easily kept that information to myself.

After some coffee, I took Twilight back to bed and cuddled up to her. I’d missed the simple act of sleeping with her during the week we’d spent the nights in our own company instead of each other’s, and it was pleasant to get back to what and whom I loved. I don’t know if I used ‘whom’ correctly, but fuck you. Not you, Twilight, but anyone else.

Twilight eventually got out of bed, though she mentioned that she’d had the strangest dream that she was floating around my house. I told her that it wasn’t a dream and that I’d brought her sleeping form along during my morning activities. She thought that it was a bit odd, but when I mentioned that having her around just made everything better, regardless of whatever it was, she gave me a kiss and told me that I was sweet. Internally, I was high fiving myself for dodging a bullet and doing something perceived as romantic, though externally, I was busy making Spike regret coming over by snogging Twilight. We toned it down after the second gag, but my mind stayed focused on Twilight’s lips for the duration of breakfast. I can’t even tell you what we had.

Sadly, Twilight has her own house to look after, so she parted ways around noon, telling me that she would be back for the slumber party that I’d forgotten about. Once they were gone, I checked my pantry and ate a few more random things to satiate my monstrous appetite, although I’d only gone in there to check what kinds of snacks I had for the party. I ain’t had no shit, which meant that I was going to have to translocate my way into town, buy edible morsels, and haul them back. At least it was something to do.

I went way overboard with the amount of snacks I bought, but my reasoning was that I didn’t want to have to make another trip anytime soon. That, and I fucking love pecan tarts. I ended up buying out Sugarcube Corner, but it was so incredibly worth it. Seriously, if someone committed murder in my town and bribed me with pecan tarts, they’d probably get away with it. The tarts were definitely mine, so I hid them in my icebox and covered them with some healthy nonsense so that no one would be tempted to go after them. Mine.

I considered writing for a few hours, but I didn’t visit Noir since Twilight was over, so I decided to see what my favourite eldritch being was doing. After closing my eyes and taking the customary three breaths, I was in my mindscape.

I was expecting to see Noir doing something, anything, other than furiously masturbating with the hilt of a sword. I watched on in mild shock as she pistoned the pommel in and out of herself, and I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor as the Ol’ Chap rose to see what was going on. I have no idea how long I just stood there and stared, but I eventually had the wherewithal to take myself out of Noir’s private moment, even though I wanted nothing more than to watch until she finished. Honestly, I wanted to see what her O-face looked like, and I was curious as to whether or not she would cut herself during her orgasm, but my born and bred English Politeness™ wouldn’t allow me to fulfill my curiosity without risking being rude. I considered having a wank because the aforementioned event was fucking hot, but I felt like I should get Noir’s permission before thinking of her in that way, so I conjured up a replica of the bow Luna gave me and made some targets appear in the distance.

After my first few shots went nowhere near the target, something in my mind just clicked. It was almost as if I’d held a bow before, despite never even having seen a real one. I wondered what the Hell was happening as I adjusted my stance like I’d done it a thousand times before. For some odd reason, I thought of Roger Godberd, a historical figure that I’d taken a great interest in while I wasn’t doing jobs in England. The parallel made sense to me in a way, but that didn’t stop me from feeling a little terrified about what was happening.

In my new stance, I conjured a quiver of arrows and slung them around my hip, taking three at once, holding the two I wasn’t using in the same hand I drew the bow with. I remembered that holding multiple arrows at once was an old technique with many variations, although the particular way I was holding mine didn’t strike me as familiar. While my mind was racing, I took aim and let the first arrow fly, but I didn’t take long to send the other two racing after it, launching them withing seconds of each other.

The target was only about fifteen or so meters away, but I had hit the center of the target with each arrow, despite having no fucking clue how I did it. As I was pulling my arrows of of the target, I heard Noir cough a couple of times behind me and jumped hard, whirling around with my bow drawn in her face. Noir raised a brow, but she didn’t so much as flinch at having an arrow ready to fly into her skull. I relaxed the bow and let out a breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

“Fucking Christ, Noir! You spooked the piss out of me!” I laughed.

She blushed and coughed again. “I am sure that your urine is in the proper place. Forgive me, Max, I did not mean for you to see… That, earlier.”

I slung my bow over my shoulder like I knew what I was doing and grabbed her shoulder. “Never apologize for taking care of your needs. I’m sorry I didn’t give you your privacy sooner.”

Noir’s blush didn’t fade. “At least you liked what you saw.” She said softly.

“How could I not? You already know that I think you’re only slightly less attractive than Twilight, and that’s saying a lot.” I emphasized.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Yes, comparing one woman to another is a great way to get in her good books.”

I shrugged. “I just don’t feel the need to twist my words for you. If you didn’t already know what I meant, I’d probably give it a shot.”

“Could you do that anyway? Just because I know what you mean doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to be complimented properly.”

I nodded. “Rewinding. Error found: Correcting.” Noir gave me an odd look. “How could I not? You already know I think that you’re one of the sexiest, most attractive women I’ve ever met. It doesn’t hurt that you’re pleasant, well mannered, and intelligent as well as adventurous.”

Noir nodded, her blush returning. “Much better.”

I shook my head at her. “Making me be nice is evil.”

“Making you speak to me as you would any other woman you intend on laying is sensical. If you keep it up, you’ll come closer to your goal.”

I shrugged. “Just because I want to put my wonky willy in your honey hole doesn’t mean that I’m in a hurry to do so. We have nearly two thousand years to have sex, so why rush it?”

“Actually, if you so desire, I could most likely extend your life so that you live through your second millennia.” Noir offered.

“I went through all the trouble of saying ‘wonky willy’ and ‘honey hole’, and you don’t even comment on it?” I asked, mildly offended.

“If you get offendered, your booty is surrendered.” Noir said gravely.

“What the fuck?”

“‘What the fuck’ indeed. You are not the only one who can spout vulgar nonsense.” Noir smirked.

I sighed. “You’re never going to beat me at my own game, dame. If you think you can, your brain is lame. Everyone knows my nonsense has fame.”

“You were stretching for the last one.”

“I’ll stretch you. Oh wait, you do that yourself. I swear, if you whip out something from Bad Dragon, I’m never talking to you again.”

Noir closed her eyes and I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of phalluses. “You were saying?”

“...I dare you to take one in the bum.”

She shook her head. “That is not happening. I prefer Pony penis, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome, but I’d love to see that some time. Speaking of things to put in orifices, why were you using a sword?” I asked, genuinely befuddled.

Noir’s black fur lit up bright red. “Satisfying one’s needs while en route to a battle is difficult when you worry about taking stamina from your own soldiers.”

“You know you can use whatever toys I’ve seen, right?”

“I am more familiar with my sword.”

I conjured up a pair of knickers with a little extra sewn into them. “I’ve always wanted to try these as Roxy, but I suppose I could let you have the first go.”

Noir magicked up a controller and tucked both items into a pocket. “I may use these once you leave. Now, shall we find something to do while you’re here?”

I hefted the bow on my shoulder. “I’d like to keep practicing with this, if you don’t mind. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I’m one Hell of a shot.”

Noir chuckled. “It would seem that between Luna’s enchanted bow and my former prowess with archery, you have absorbed some of our skill. It may have something to do with your past life, but I cannot tell you about that in any case.”

“Past life? Are you saying that reincarnation is a thing?” My heart started aching and Noir clutched at her chest.

“It is unwise to continue this conversation. As old as I am, I do not wish to die yet.” Noir said, her voice shaking slightly.

“I’m with you there, save for the old part. Let's put some arrows in a thing, yeah?”

And so we did. Noir was a better shot with the bow than I was, but once I introduced crossbows into the equation, we were on an equal playing field. I’d been mildly interested in them while I’d lived in England, so I could probably build a half decent one if I ever felt the need to do so, but in my mindscape, I could create one in whatever color I wanted, so that was pretty gnarly, dude. Noir eventually tired of the crossbow and switched weapons in favor of something called an atlatl. It came in two parts: a stick with a loop on the end of it and a dart that could be fitted into the loop so you could throw it. I thought it was a fantastically simple weapon that was surprisingly effective, but I preferred the bow by far since I could shoot it much faster and it did much more damage. Noir felt the same way, so we switch back to shooting bows and went for some MLG trickshots. We nearly shot each other on multiple occasions, but it was a fun way to blow a couple of hours.

Noir let me know that our time was up when I heard a chime echo across the mindscape. If I wasn’t mistaken, that signalled the arrival of the girls for the slumber party, so I gave her a peck on the cheek and told her to stay sexy for me before sending myself back into reality. I stretched for a moment before answering the door, but I hadn’t been expecting Rarity to be the one on the other side.

When our eyes met, she looked down. “Hello, Max.”

“Rarity.” I replied neutrally.

She shuffled her hooves. “...Can I talk to you?”

“I haven’t thrown you off of my property, so take that as a yes.” I said sarcastically.

She flinched at my jab. “Right. Look, I’m terribly sorry about the Lover’s Tea, but I didn’t know that it would affect you in such a way! In ponies it’s practically like drinking normal tea!”

“I know that now, which is why I haven’t hit you for slipping me something. Still, you lied about it and you must have known that it would affect me in some way because you kept asking if I liked it.” I said.

Rarity looked abashed. “...I’m sorry.”

“You’re not forgiven, though you’re welcome to come in and sit in awkward silence while I ignore you.”

She gave me a funny look. “Why would I do that?”

“So you can get used to it before the slumber party.” I said, as if it were obvious..

“...If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll wait until the other girls arrive.”

I scoffed. “Fine, be weird. I’ll be ignoring you from inside while you continue being difficult.”

Rarity didn't know how to respond to that, so I left the door slightly cracked when I closed it and waited on my couch for Rarity to take a fucking hint and schlep her arse in here. She either picked up on it or got curious to see what I would do because she ended walking into my house and sitting next to me on the couch.

“You know, I can’t help but feel that you’re still upset.” Rarity said softly.

“For someone who’s so vehemently against lying, you sure like to do it to me.” I said drily.

Rarity grabbed my hand, which was a pretty wise move on her part, just in case I decided to slap her. “I truly do apologize, Max. I just panicked in the moment and it slipped out!” Truthful. Little late for that.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, your actions have consequences and I’m not going to let you just skip over them. For tonight, I don’t like you, but we’ll be cool afterwards.”

Rarity nodded. “I understand that. Does this mean that you want me to leave you alone?”

“I’m totally ignoring you now. Starting at the end of this sentence.”

She shook her head and I went to go start laying snacks out because there fuck all left to do. My house was clean, I had the food, and I was pretty sure that everyone knew to bring a bathing suit, so that was taken care of. I thought about the fact that I would be surrounded by half naked women for a good portion of the night, but nothing would compare to Twilight in a bikini or Noir fucking herself with a sword. Seriously, who does that?

I was tempted to ask Rarity if she’d ever used the handle of a sharp object to plow her private parts, but that would negate the whole ‘ignoring her’ thing, so I held my tongue and resolved to ask Fluttershy since I was sure that she had at some point. I’d walked in on the girl grinding against a bird feeder once or twice, so it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find that she’d stuck the odd knife handle in her no-no zone, though I wasn’t sure how to phrase the question. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about it for very long since Fluttershy was the first to show up. Instead of faffing about, beating around the bush, I just asked her if she’d ever used something dangerous to pleasure herself with.

Fluttershy did not realize that Rarity was in the room when she started listing off hammers, knives, wrenches, and the like, but I was sure to point her out after Fluttershy finished with her list. The buttery fluttery woman was terribly embarrassed, but I assured her that a few everyday objects between friends was nothing to worry about. Rarity said that we were never going to speak of it again, so I asked Fluttershy what she thought Rarity had shoved up there. I managed to coax a few answers out of her, though they were incredibly tame like makeup brushes, hair brushes, and a cucumber. Rarity adamantly denied the makeup and hair brushes, but the cucumber wasn't mentioned twice until I asked Fluttershy what she liked in her salads.

The rest of the rainbow crew showed up before I could orchestrate another awkward moment, so I sighed and acted like a good host, pointing out the snacks and refreshments to Pinkie and Rainbow so they wouldn’t go digging through my icebox. Twilight asked me if I wanted to become Roxy for the party, but I really just wasn’t in the mood for it. Pinkie still dove into my icebox later on, and when she found my pecan tarts, I gave her the blackest look I could manage without Dark Magic. When she ate one, I gave her A Black Eye and Pinkie took a nap, though the girls didn’t know why she’d suddenly passed out.

Don’t fuck with my goddamn tarts.

Twilight eventually put it together and chewed me out for using Dark Magic against one of our own friends, but I told her that I would use it against anyone except her if they were going after the precious, my precious. Twilight went over and ate one of my tarts just to be difficult and I was tempted to swear at her until my tart came out of her stomach, but I couldn’t bring myself to be all that upset with her, so I sat her down and explained why I was so hurt that she’d eaten my tart. Twilight laughed in my face until I told her the real reason, after which she felt terrible, which was the fucking point. If she didn’t want to feel bad, she shouldn’t have eaten my tart. Granny Altham had been kind enough to make then for me whenever I was down, so the memories were fond whenever I snacked on them.

After that little incident, I made it clear that anyone who went after my tarts would be escorted onto my foot, arse first. After that simple fact was understood, Twilight had me release my magic from Pinkie so she could wake her up, though she had me do so secretly so the rest of the girls wouldn’t learn about Noir. All I’d had to do was touch Pinkie’s forehead, and when she woke up, I told her that going after my tarts would get her barred from the hot tub for life, but Pinkie argued that it ‘Just Isn't fair!’. I’d bought Sugarcube Corner’s entire supply of pecan tarts, and no one was going to get one. I told her that someone should have gotten to them before I did if they wanted them so badly.

The rest of the night passed somewhat quickly until it was time for the hot tub, but when that time came around, I was incredibly disappointed. Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy all wore modest one pieces that left a lot to the imagination, and Rarity was the only one who looked anything close to sexy. Of course Twilight was still more attractive than all of them put together, but I wished that she would show a little more skin- Er, well, fur. That thought made me ask what color ponies were under their fur, and it was unanimous that a shaved Pony looked kind of like me, but less sexy. The sexy part was all me, but no one disagreed.

As always, I took the seat next to the control panel, but I made sure that I wasn’t sitting on the nozzle when I turned the secret jets on. Every face in the tub besides mine lit up instantly and I was yelled at by Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight for messing around too much. I was just having a bit of fun, and I didn’t really see what the problem was. Fluttershy hadn't moved or said anything, and Rainbow had just moved off of the nozzle. Pinkie was slutty, so she make her enjoyment of it obvious, but their reactions didn’t make getting bitched at worth it, so I turned of the secret jets and made the hot tub into my own personal time machine. I let my shoulders fall below the water level and the girls did the same once I’d turned the jets off.

After a nice, relaxing soak, we got dried off and dressed for a quick tourney on the billiards table. Twilight and I were put against each other in the very first bracket so we wouldn’t just sweep both sides, but when I won, I did just that. I steamrolled everyone since Twilight wasn’t in estrus anymore, but that didn’t mean that the purple uni-mage wasn’t still a threat. She might have been taking it easy against the rest of the girls, however, Twilight still wanted to squash me during the second round, but I was on fire. Literally. Pinkie set my trousers on fire to cheat. Twilight and Rarity rushed to put me out before I could get hurt, but when they extinguished the flame, my clothes weren’t even burned, so I couldn’t be too mad at Pinkie.

Once I was done wrecking face in billiards, we moved on to a new game that was a fusion of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. One player would spin the bottle and whoever it landed on had to ask the spinner truth or dare, which really didn’t seem like that different of a game to me. I learned otherwise when I spun the bottle and it landed on Pinkie.

Pinkie beamed at me. “Alright Maxy, truth or dare?”

I shrugged. “Dare. Do your worst.”

Pinkie manic smile turned devilish. “You know you’ll lose if you say no, right?”

I levelled a calm gaze at her. “And you know what will and won’t fly.”

She tapped her chin. “Well, I was thinking about that. What if we raised the stakes?”

I raised a brow. “I’m listening.”

“The first three losers have to eat a tablespoon of my newest hot sauce!”

There were shudders around the circle. I smirked at Pinkie. “Sounds fine by me. What’s your dare?”

Pinkie grinned. “Lick Twilight between the legs.”

My brow rose again. “Right here?”

“Hold on, I’m so not okay with that.” Twilight objected. “Pinkie, that’s a little much.”

“I must agree. To think you would propose something so vulgar!” Rarity fanned herself.

“I don’t see nothin’ wrong with it. It’s not like we all haven’t seen you two swappin' tongues before. What’s one little lick?” Applejack put her two cents in.

Pinkie beamed at Twilight. “If you refuse a dare, you lose!”

Twilight’s pupils shrank. “B-But it’s not my dare!”

“I think Max is willing to do it, right?” Pinkie asked.

“Depends on how uncomfortable you intend on making Twilight. If you let her keep her pants on, it’s fine by me.” I answered.

Pinkie beamed and turned to Twilight. “So that means it’s you holding up the party!”

Twilight wrung her hands. I could see the turmoil in her eyes, but she eventually just sighed. “Alright, but I want it to be clear that Max is mine.”

There were nods around the circle, so Twilight sighed again and laid back for me. It crossed my mind to quickly remove her bottoms to get a taste of her honeypot, but that struck me as completely fucking retarded, so I settled for licking Twilight’s pajamas and moved back to my seat. She sat up with a bright blush on her face and we continued on with the game.

Rarity had the next spin and it landed on Rainbow Dash. Rarity picked truth like a pusillanimous punk, so Rainbow asked who she’d sleep with out of everyone in the circle besides me. Rarity flustered for moment and said that it was pretty even between Fluttershy and Applejack. Twilight went next and her spin landed on Applejack.

Now, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned Applejack’s deviant streak, but it’s impressive. The woman is practically Fluttershy or Fleur when she in estrus, so I wasn’t exactly surprised when she told Twilight to return the favor, but this time, with my trousers off. I’d get to keep my drawers, but that didn’t stop Twilight and I from blushing, though hers was more intense than mine. Twilight wasn’t too keen on performing intimate acts in the company of others and I wasn’t too fond of where this was going, so I asked that we bar sex from the equation. Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy all argued that oral and touching was perfectly fine, but I pointed out that I could smell that at least two of them were in estrus and that it was generally a bad idea to go that far unless they had some relief in sight.

I was dutifully ignored and Rainbow joined their side, but Rarity, Twilight and I were firmly against going any further than over-the-clothes contact. The three of us weren’t budging and I swore that I would end the game if they kept pressing the matter. Since I’m pretty much in charge because I’m the least retarded (most of the time), I started giving long, bullshit arguments against whatever Applejack, Pinkie, or Fluttershy had to say and eventually just buried them in so many words that they gave up.

It was still Twilight’s dare, but she just couldn’t bring herself to give me the lick, so she was the first one out. Pinkie grabbed a spoon and her hot sauce from her mane. I swear the mixture bubbled as she poured, and I felt so sorry for Twilight, but she was the one who balked. I cringed Pinkie applied the punishment for her, putting the spoon in her mouth while Twilight’s eyes were clamped shut, then suddenly, Pinkie tilted the spoon and the second the first drop touched Twilight’s tongue, I could see every muscle in her body tense up, and literal fire shot out of her mouth, scorching Pinkie’s face, turning her fur a nice sooty black. Twilight coughed up smoke as she tried to crawl into my kitchen and Pinkie was trying to get the taste of ashes out of her mouth, so I did them them both a favor and grabbed Twilight a bottle of milk and Pinkie a shot of whiskey. Twilight drank the milk in two gulps, but the fire in her mouth wouldn’t go out, so she panicked hard and tried to come to me. I met her halfway and held her while she cried the pain away. After everyone agreed, we put an end to Pinkie’s hot sauce then and there and the game was over.

We rounded the night up and Twilight joined me in my bed for some sleepytime cuddles. Instead of the usual ‘Big Spoon Little Spoon' thing we usually did, Twilight wanted to try cuddling with my head resting on her arm like she was trying to hug my brain, but it’s not like I had a problem with it. My face was warm all night, but then again, Twilight’s breasts were mere centimeters away from my face at just about any given time, so I can’t really say that I was upset about it.

When Twilight fell asleep, I took the time to go see Noir, but she cut our visit short, telling me that I would probably enjoy sleeping with Twilight more than hanging out with her. She wasn’t wrong, so I told her to have a good night, but I had to ask if she slept at all while she was in my mindscape. Noir let me know that the closest thing she had to slumber was deep meditation that I was currently interrupting, so I caught the hint and skedaddled. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep once I got back, though I did cuddle a little closer to Twilight.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few days went by and nothing important or terribly worthy of mentioning happened. I did remember to ask Mary about the water works around Ponyville, but she completely misunderstood what I meant and offered to pee on me, if that was really my kink. I told her that I was actually asking about how water was recycled in Equestria and how it was pumped in, but Mary just said ‘Magic’ and pretty much left it at that since that was basically all she knew. Magic was just Equestria’s bullshit excuse for being lazy, so I bitched at Mary for being short. The two things have nothing to do with each other, but I needed a reason to tell Mary how I really felt about her height, and once I did, I left her dazed and confused. I liked doing that, so I went over to Sugarcube Corner and bitched at Pinkie for being annoyingly cute and huggable, but she gave as good as she got and chewed me out for not having fur. The Cakes were rather confused since we were acting like we were mad for no real reason, so Pinkie and I turned our attention toward them.

I let Mr. Cake have it for making delicious cakes and Pinkie Pie took Mrs. Cake aside and complained about having such a fun job. Needless to say, we confused the fuck out of them, but we managed to get Pinkie a day off, so that was cool. We walked around town, bitching at strangers for the colors of their coats, their hairstyles, choice of attire, and their faces. We never actually insulted anyone, so we mostly just left a handful of confused people around town, though there was this one tan guy with a brown mane who gave as good as he got. I threatened to give give him a cupcake if he kept it up and he, in turn, threatened to give me a wheel of cheese for my troubles. We actually did trade edible things, so I had to carry around a big fucking wheel of old cow milk while Pinkie and I walked around town.

Rainbow Dash came to join us as we were making a second circuit around town, looking for another target. She didn’t quite get what we were doing, but she said that it was fun to watch us get mad at people, then watch them get mad only to realize that we weren’t actually saying anything to them. Rainbow tried once, but she actually insulted someone, so I stepped in and apologized on her behalf, explaining what should have happened to the poor mare she’d called ugly. Thankfully, the lady understood the need to find something to do around such a small town and even offered to suck me off once she realized who I was.

I ended that conversation quickly.

Offers of infidelity aside, I took Pinkie and Rainbow around town to mess with people some more. I stopped by the Joke Shop and picked up a few pieces of fake poo, two fake ice cubes with flies in them, and the biggest dildo the guy had in the back of the shop. I had Rainbow hold the dildo since she’d been a dick earlier and let Pinkie hold the fake ice cubes because she was as annoying as a fly. I took the fake poo because I’m a shitty person and with our pranks in hand, I wrapped the poo up and started giving it to strangers, begging them to accept my gift. Most people were happy to take my crap until they realized what it was, but the looks on their faces were priceless. Most ponies were perfectly fine with my little prank, but there was one stallion who threw the poo on the ground and stormed off, so fuck that guy.

I took our little trio to a little outdoor cafe and showed my wizardly skill at distracting people so that I could drop the fly cubes in their drinks. I never got caught, and once people started examining their drinks, all Hell broke loose and there were many angry customers in the cafe. I almost stepped in to clear things up, but Pinkie bounced into the fray and told everyone that the flies were fake, so most people calmed down quickly enough, laughing at their own needless anger. Unfortunately, we caught the same stallion from earlier and he stormed off again, though one of the waiters dragged him back and made the guy pay for his meal.

I figured that guy was just having a bad day, so I took the box with the dildo in it from Rainbow and offered it to him as an olive branch. When he opened the box, the fucker actually threw a punch at me, but it was slow and telegraphed, so I dodged it rather easily. Some of the people that were in the cafe came to my defense and threatened to have the fellow arrested for attacking the highest ranking official in town. The prick apologized over and over again, but I wasn’t about to abuse my position, so I told him that there was nothing to worry about and thanked him for being a good sport since he’d gotten hit by all three pranks. My praise made him ashamed of his reactions, which was the fucking point in the first place. You don’t always have to be mean to make someone feel bad.

Since pranking had gone pretty badly, I decided to take Pinkie and Rainbow to the park to see if we could find some people willing to play a game of soccer which was called ‘Hoofball’ here. Damn Americans and their penchant for misnaming shit; It even carried over across worlds. There were plenty of people out and about since it was so nice, but there were few males willing to play a game that involved two small females, so I dared them to race Rainbow and Pinkie whenever the issue came up. Rainbow dusted the competition and Pinkie managed to beat most people by a little bit, so soon enough, we had enough people for an eight man game.

I’d never actually played soccer, so I had to have the rules explained to me once or twice. It reminded me a lot of rugby, but we weren’t going to be brutalizing each other, so it wasn’t that close. Still, Rainbow was our ‘quarterback’ and since I wasn’t as fast as most, I was playing it close to the line as a ‘running back’. My ankle breaking jukes were absolutely savage, and I actually did make someone twist a hoof once or twice while playing, so that was pretty ego boosting.

Besides the pranking and Hoofball game, three days passed without event. On the fourth day, I got out of bed, stood up, and laid back down again. Someway, somehow, I’d gotten sick, and now I was ready to stick my head in a hole and be done with the world. After resting for another hour, I gathered the strength to go downstairs and brought along all of my necessary materials for an extended stay on my couch. I sent a note to Twilight with Dragon Fire, telling her that I was going to be at home for the day and when she wrote back asking why I was bailing on her night, I gave her my symptoms and I didn’t have much more time to suffer in silence. Twilight apparently told Fluttershy that I was stuck on the couch because she arrived before my future wife did. I didn’t even hear her knock on the door, but she was in my living room mere seconds after I heard the door open.

Fluttershy sped to my side like she was Pinkie with a party to plan. “Max! Twilight-told-me-that-you-were-feeling-under-the-weather-and-I-just-couldn’t-let-you-suffer-and-be-sick-without-having-somepony-to-take-care-of-you-but-I-know-Twilight-is-going-to-be-here-soon-but-I-live-closer-so-”

I wearily held up a hand and she stopped talking. “I’m sick, not dying. Calm down, Poppet.” As far as I know.

Fluttershy nodded and opened the bag she had been carrying. “Right. Can I make you some soup?”

“Sounds lovely.” I sighed.

Fluttershy went into the kitchen and started going through my stores of veggies to make some vegetable soup while I cooled my heels on the couch. I actually dozed off for a little bit, but I woke up when I heard Twilight close the front door. Fluttershy went to go greet her and I sat up so I could grab the bowl of soup she’d left for me on the table. It was still nice and warm, though it could have used a little salt. In any case, it was pretty good so I was making some decent progress when Twilight and Fluttershy joined me.

Being cared for was a little irritating since I wasn’t a fucking invalid, but it was nice to know that my friend and my lover were willing to lend a hand while I was down and out. I was still confused as to why I was sick in the first place, so Twilight tried running some of her limited medical spells, but nothing turned up. Something told me to ask Noir since she was literally inside my body, so I excused myself from reality, but when I went to enter my mindscape, I couldn’t get in, no matter how long I tried to get in.

That worried me more than being sick, so I wrote out a note to Luna and hoped that she would have the time to come inspect whatever was going on for herself. Fluttershy asked me why I didn’t ask Celestia so I told her that Luna and I had a special thing going on and that I was sure that it had something to do with it. Fluttershy completely misunderstood and spent far too much time trying to assure Twilight that there was nothing between myself and Luna, but I wasn’t in the mood to correct her, so I just sighed and laid back down.

Twilight eventually got her point across, telling Fluttershy that Luna and I were just friends with a secret that couldn’t really be shared. Fluttershy was pretty embarrassed about jumping to conclusions, so I gave her an excuse to leave the room in the form of asking her to grab me some more soup. Shit was great and it helped with the nausea for some reason, so I actually did want her to get me some more anyway. I packed a bowl and had myself a smoke since I wanted to get back to sleep, but Twilight kept me awake long enough for Fluttershy to come back with more soup.

I wasn’t really one for conversation and I’d already grabbed most of the things I’d wanted to before I came down, so Twilight and Fluttershy were basically just babysitting while I waited for Luna to respond to my note. The day passed quickly since I slept off and on, and when Luna finally did reply to my note, I told her that something was wrong and that I couldn’t get in contact with Noir. Moments after sending the note, Luna teleported in and scared the Hell out of Twilight and Fluttershy.

She turned around and looked for me, so I said, “Over here.”

Luna coughed and faced me. “Good evening, Max. So you can’t contact Noir at all?”

I sat up. “Nope, can’t even get into the mindscape. Can you see if something’s wrong?”

She nodded. “Of course. This will take but a moment.”

Luna closed her eyes and her magic enveloped me, tingling slightly. The tingling made me nauseous, so I laid back down and closed my eyes waiting for it to be over. A few minutes later, Luna opened her eyes and started pacing, but no one asked why she wasn’t saying anything.

After another few minutes, Luna asked, “Maximus, do you have any known enemies?”

“Besides Mineral Zeal, not really. I tend to make more friends than I do enemies.”

Luna sighed. “That is exactly the problem. You are being cursed, and it is most likely through haunting. Somehow, the spirit that is bothering you is drawing off of your magic, growing stronger as you grow weaker. I can exercise it for you, but it will not be an easy or fun process.”

I sighed. “Then let’s get it over with already. No point in prolonging it.”

Luna shook her head and kneeled next to me. “I apologize for this, but with you, I have few choices.”

I gave her a look before Luna touched her horn to my forehead, not understanding what the fuck she was talking about until the pain started. I blacked out within seconds of the agonizing pain, but it didn’t stop there. Luna forced me into my mindscape and I could see Noir swing her sword around at nothing in particular, though I wasn’t in any shape to ask what she was swinging at. I was crumpled on the ground in the fetal position, waiting for the pain to fade away completely while Luna joined Noir in swinging a sword around at nothing. Once I picked myself up off the ground, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I could see about twenty or so translucent figures floating around Noir and Luna, though none of their frantic sword swing seemed to be doing any damage.

Without the feebleness that came with being sick, I was on my feet and prepared to join the fray when something incredibly stupid crossed my mind. I conjured up a sword made of silver and lead in one hand, and made another one crafted from pure iron in the other. With my short swords in hand, I rushed to aid my benefactors, though I had much more luck in damaging the ghosts than they did.

“Silver and iron! Hit them with silver and iron!” I cried out, swinging at the ghost of some Gryphon. I managed to score a long, shallow cut along his chest that healed in the time it took to make a few more swings, but by now, Noir and Luna had taken my advice and were making short work of the ghosts.

I don’t know if they’d simply remembered that they could do anything in the mindscape or if my words had snapped them out of the fog of battle, but they were bounding around, jumping off of the air to attack the spirits from just about every angle. Five of our attackers fell in the short time it took for Noir to get serious, and four more fell when Luna stopped playing around, which meant that we had eleven fuckers left. I scoured the group for the spirit I suspected was organizing the assault and spotted Mineral Zeal a good distance away, so I let Noir and Luna handle them as I went to go face my rapist.

I teleported to Zeal since it was my domain and imagined her being wrapped up in chains of iron. She cried out once she realized she was caught and her very essence started to vaporize under the iron, but I didn’t want her gone just yet. I trapped her in a big iron box that had silver and lead crisscrossing it in fine lattices, just in case she found that she could break through and went back to help Noir and Luna finish off the rest of the ghosts. My help was completely unneeded, but I would hate for someone to say that I let women handle my business for me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just don’t want people in general doing shit for me if I can do it myself.

It’s not sexism, it’s stubbornness, dammit.

Once the ghosts were gone, Noir gave Luna a hug and turned to me. “Max. Things have gotten hectic since you have been gone.”

“Don’t I fucking know it. How the Hell did these fuckers manage to get inside my soul?” I asked.

Luna coughed. “Well, it may partially be my fault. When I disposed of Mineral Zeal, her death was neither quick nor easy, so she probably returned in the form of a poltergeist or something of the like.”

I sighed. “At least we have her now. I’m guessing the rest of the ghosts were the people I’ve killed?”

Noir nodded. “They were. You bested a few worthy warriors, Maximus, even if you did kill them by surprise.”

“Doesn’t make me any happier. Let’s go deal with Rapeface.”

Noir and Luna exchanged a look before joining me as I walked back to the iron box. We could have teleported, but I didn’t want to risk fucking anything up, so when I removed the box, I made sure to keep an iron bar in my hand. My paranoia was well warranted as Zeal leaped at me the second the box was gone. I slapped the silly bitch with the bar and she fell like a sack of potatoes, but I wasn’t sure if ghosts could get knocked out, so I started throwing iron marbles at her. Each one hissed and steamed, causing her to cry out until Noir made me stop.

“That is far enough, Max.” She said softly.

“But I’ve got, like, infinity left! I could do this all day! How are you not psyched to have a chance to torture a rapist?” I asked incredulously.

Luna looked at Noir and the taller woman just shook her head. “In my old age, I find that torture is unnecessary. I do not agree with it in the slightest, even if I do understand the reasons behind such an unforgivable act.”

Luna scoffed. “You’ve tortured more ponies than I have, and that’s saying quite a bit. Before Celestia and I became the last of the Alicorns, tales of your deeds rang throughout the Old Lands.”

Noir nodded. “It is because I have so much blood on my hands that I find distaste in such an act. Allowing others to torture in my presence is tantamount to doing it myself.”

I stared her in the eyes as I imagined a rain of iron marbles falling on Zeal. The woman shrieked and I cracked a smile. “Okay, now I’m done.”

Noir sighed and swept the marbles away with a wave of her hand. “I will allow it since you did not get to have a hand in making Zeal suffer, but the next time you try something, I will shoot you in the leg.”

“Duly noted. So who wants to start asking questions?” Zeal lunged at me again and Noir wrapped an iron cable around her throat.

“I suppose I could could start. I’m the reason she’s here, after all.” Luna reasoned.

I gestured for her to start, but Noir held up a hand. “No, I will ask the questions.”

She forced Mineral Zeal to her knees and asked Luna and I to give her some space. We took a couple steps back and Noir asked, “So why are you assaulting Max, but not the one who killed you?”

Mineral Zeal spat ectoplasm in her face. “Send me into the ether or go there yourself.”

Noir wiped it off calmly. “Why are you assaulting Max?”

Zeal thrashed around, but when Noir tightened the coil, she shrieked and started getting fuzzy. “Buck. You!”

Luna came around and put a hand on Noir’s shoulder. “You’ll get nowhere treating this savage as a pony or a person. I learned that much while she was alive.”

Noir gave her a look. “We will not resort to such terrible acts to gain information. We may as well banish her if that is what you want to do.”

I raised a hand and coughed. “Does anyone want my opinion?”

“No.” They said in unison.

I shrugged and created some archery targets so I could have something to do while they argued about how to handle Zeal. I released shot after shot as they dealt with Zeal trying to escape, throwing barbed words at them, and spitting on whatever she could manage. I turned to look as she worked out a massive wad of ectoplasm onto Luna face which got her slapped with an iron glove. I walked back over and listened to Noir try to calm Luna down, but while they were off doing that, I squatted next to Zeal.

“What’s up?” I asked casually.

“Buck you.” She said harshly.

“You did. That’s why you’re dead.”

Zeal shut her mouth. She was silent for a minute before saying, “I knew what I did was wrong. I didn’t think it would cost me my life.”

I shrugged. “You were unlucky. With just about anyone else, you probably would have gotten away with it like the evil cunt you are.”

She glared at me. “You think I don’t know that or something? I have gotten away with it before.”

I pursed my lips. “Then you deserved every second of what you got.”

“I never said I didn’t.”

Zeal and I looked at each other for a little bit. “So why are you here? What’s the deal?”

She shrugged, but flinched at the cable around her neck. “I tried haunting Luna, but Canterlot Castle is protected against ghosts and wraiths. I figured you were close to her, so killing you would hurt her.”

“That’s unfortunate. Luna plans on killing me at some point, so you kinda went for the wrong guy.”

Zeal ground her teeth. “Going after you just never works, does it.”

“That totally wasn’t a question. Besides, I don’t die too easily. Even if you killed me, I’d come back sooner or later.” I said.

“Well thanks for bucking telling me that now!” She spat.

“Hey, I didn’t kill you, but I can exercise you.”

Zeal flinched and looked down. “It’s not like you don’t plan on doing that anyways.”

“Give me one good reason to let you… Well, not live, but you know what I mean.” I bargained.

Zeal looked at me like I was stupid. “Would you really let me go?”

“Hell no. You’re spiteful enough to go after someone you wronged because you couldn’t get to the right person. There’s no way anyone sane would allow you freedom.”

“That’s what I thought. I’m not going to play your bucking games!”

I nodded and conjured up an iron dagger. “Anything you want to say? Final words to family or friends?”

Zeal looked at the dagger, then at me. “...Would you really do that for me, after everything I’ve done to you?”

I shrugged. “Just because I hate you doesn’t mean I hate your family. I’m considering it my good deed for the day.”

“...Right. Could you tell my parents that I lov-”

I thrust the dagger into her heart and gave her the last smile she would ever see. “Sorry, I lied. Rot in Hell, bitch.”

Zeal's face was fury incarnate, but her look didn’t last long. With one final shriek, she exploded into a fine powder that I collected with a hand sweeper. Once I was done cleaning up, I turned around to see Noir and Luna glaring at me.

“Hullo ladies.” I said conversationally.

“How did you get her to talk?” Luna asked peevishly.

I shrugged. “Don’t know, don't care. I’m just glad I glad I got to stick the final knife into her. Who wants pizza?”

Noir glared at me harder. “That was cruel, Max.”

“And raping multiple people was evil. Side with the rapist, Noir. Show me your true colors.” I snarled.

Her eyes shot open and she took a step back. “That- I would never! Maximus, you know me better than that!”

“Really? Because you were awfully happy to advocate for someone that did something unforgivable.” I replied with venom.

Noir flinched and Luna stepped in front of her. “Lashing out at Noir will accomplish nothing, Maximus.”

“Did it get my fucking point across?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Noir placed a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “It did. Perhaps this is a conversation for another time.”

Luna shrugged her off. “I believe this is a conversation for now. I understand how you could find torture inponane, but Max has far more than just the simple right to face his attacker as he sees fit. You would deny him this, would you not?”

Noir’s face hardened. “I could have handled the ghosts on my own. I did not need assistance.”

“And yet you let Zeal into Max’s soul and allowed her to weaken him as much as she did? I told Max that you would protect him, Nightmare Moon, and you are proving me a liar.” Luna hissed.

Noir flinched at her old name. “I would not have let things go any further. The mild weakness Max felt-”

“Mild weakness?” I interrupted. “Noir, I could barely move around my own house!”

The tall black woman flinched again and looked between to sets of angry eyes before looking down. “Perhaps I made a mistake.”

“You fucking think?” I spat.

“If I could remove you from his soul, I would.” Luna said critically. “At least in my body, you could do no further harm.”

I cooled off at that and put a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “Let me talk to Noir alone for a little bit. I think we need to have a chat.”

Luna glared at me for a moment before her gaze softened. She gave me a quick hug and left the realm, leaving Noir and I in the void to do whatever it was that we were going to. Noir struggled to meet my eyes, but she managed.

“Max, I’m sorry I let things go so far-”

“Save it.” I shook my head. “You know why I’m angry with you. What are you going to do to rectify your mistakes?”

Noir bit her lip. “There is precious little I can do.”

“That’s what I thought. You fucked up.”

“...I did.”

I sighed. “Why did you stop me from coming into the mindscape?”

“I thought I could handle it myself.”

“When hours passed and you didn’t make any progress, you didn’t think to let me help?”

“...I thought I could handle it.” She repeated.

“Man, fuck you. I’m out.” I closed my eyes and opened them, returning to the waking world.

Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen, but Twilight and Luna were looking at me expectantly. “So? What happened with Noir?” Twilight asked.

“Man, fuck Noir. If she thinks she can hold the world on her shoulders, then fucking let her.” I reached for my pipe kit and packed a bowl.

“Things did not go well.” Luna stated.

“You think? You were there when the argument started, and you know what the deal was. If Noir doesn’t want my help, then I’m not giving it.”

Twilight came over and sat next to me. “Maybe you two should take a break for a few days to cool off.”

“I’m the only one who needs to cool off. Noir knows what she did.” And what she hasn’t done.

“I don’t understand. What did she do?” Twilight asked.

“She nearly let me die because she was too stubborn to let me help her.” I muttered.

Twilight looked confused. “But you can’t die.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that her carelessness almost earned Max a very painful death, and that’s not even considering that Zeal could have taken over his body while he was dead. Honestly, I’m more surprised that you are not upset about Noir defending Zeal.” Luna said, directing the last bit toward me.

“She just didn’t want us to torture her, which I understand.” I replied.

Twilight turned a little green. “...You wouldn’t have tortured her, right?”

“All I did was throw small marbles at her, and I tossed them rather than throwing them.” I assuaged. Well, it's not lie.

Twilight threaded her arm through mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “That still sounds mean, but it’s not like you stabbed her or something.”

Luna was silent, so I said, “I kinda had to. If I didn’t, Zeal wasn’t going away. I only stabbed her once, in my defense.”

Twilight sighed. “At least it was quick, I guess. So does this mean you’re okay now?”

I squeezed her hand. “Tip top, cherry. Just a little frustrated.”

She cast a furtive glance toward Luna and whispered in my ear. “I’ll do that thing for you, if you want.”

“Fucking yes!” I exclaimed. Luna jumped and Twilight started, but when I pulled her in for a kiss, I met no resistance.

“...Am I missing something?” Luna asked.

“Don’t worry about it!” I told her with a smile. “My day just got so much better.”

Luna chuckled. “Then I will leave you two to your own devices. Take care, Max, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight and I said goodbye to Luna in unison, so that was cool, but before Twilight could grab the ice cube, she had to go collect Fluttershy from the guest room Luna had ordered her into. I thought that it was pretty amusing, but Fluttershy was terrified of Luna, so Twilight wasn’t as amused. Still, now that I was okay, Fluttershy took her leave and Twilight fetched an ice cube so she could fulfill her bribe.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With my sick day over, I had all night to write, so I caught up my journals from the past few days and got some of the Midnight Stroll book written. I wasn’t really in the mood for it, so I didn’t make too much progress, but it was enough to satisfy me for awhile, so that was nice. Once I tired of writing, it was only about three in the morning, so I grabbed one of my cigars and headed into the hot tub/bath tub for a nice soak. I even added some soothing essential oils because Fleur had suggested that I use them sometime, and once I had my bath set up and my cigar lit, I was in Heaven. I couldn’t help but wonder what Noir was doing, but I didn’t really want to think about her, so I just puffed on the cigar and melted into the water for a little while until I got fed up with myself. Staying mad at Noir was pointless, so I set the cigar aside and tried to get into my mindscape again, but my access was blocked.

I wanted in, so I wondered what I could do to make Noir open the mindscape to me again. I considered cutting myself up until she let me in, but now that I wasn’t an empty shell of a person, the thought made my head hurt and it wasn’t like I really wanted to do it anyway, so I figured I would let Noir have her space for the time being.

After that, however, I just wasn’t feeling the relaxation anymore, so I hopped out of the hot tub and went to bed. My sleep was nice and dreamless, but it didn’t last long enough to take up much time. I woke up around nine, so I had plenty of daylight to use and abuse however I saw fit, but there just wasn’t anything I wanted to do with my day. Luckily, I didn’t have to think to hard about what I was going to do because Twilight sent me a note at ten, asking if I wanted to join her and the girls in watching the Dragon Migration. I figured that it would be something super cool to do, so I wrote her back and agreed to meet her at her house in a few minutes.

The day was nice and cool out, so I took a jacket along with me just in case it got cold or something. I wasn’t expecting any sudden climate changes, but you never know. I met Twilight and we walked outside of Ponyville to the empty land that stretched between it and the next town. For some odd reason, Pinkie and Applejack were digging a ditch in the ground, so naturally I became curious as to where where Spike was. I asked Twilight if he just didn’t care to meet another Dragon and she shrugged, stating that he just hadn't come along.

The migration wasn’t due to start for another hour and a half, so I walked back to the Treebrary and knocked on Spike’s door, though he didn’t fling it open like he usually did. Once he saw it was me, he opened it all the way.

“Sup, Max? I thought you’d be watching the migration with everypony.” Spike said.

“I planned on it, but for some odd reason, I just can’t see you passing up and opportunity to see your kin up close and personal.” I glanced at the hobo sack on his bed. “Not planning on running off somewhere, are you?”

Spike looked back and gave me a sheepish grin. “Well, I actually wanna go talk to some Dragons about Dragon stuff. I thought Twilight might be a little upset if I just left Ponyville, but I think this is something I have to do alone.”

I patted his shoulder. “That’s what you think. Grab your crap and let’s get a move on. You know where they’re heading?”

“Wait, you’re coming with me? I thought you were gonna go watch the migration!”

“And let you wander off to God knows where without someone covering your back? Not happening, mate.”

Spike gave me a grin. “I guess if I had to pick anypony to come with me, then I’d pick you. I’m sure we’ll learn a lot!”

“I’m sure we will, Spike. Let’s get a move on, shall we?”

Spike grabbed his stick and sack combo and we got to moving along. I had no idea where we were going, so I just followed Spike over the hills and through some woods, though after awhile, the Dragons appeared in the sky and following them got a lot easier. Honestly, the Dragon Migration was a sight to behold. Thousands of scaly, winged, fire-breathing murder machines flew across the sky as gracefully as can be, and I swear I could feel the heat radiating from their bodies on the ground. Luckily, The migration had a lot of Dragons to follow, so Spike and I didn't get lost, despite crossing some pretty rough terrain on our journey.

Overall, it didn’t take that long to get to the volcano that seemed to be a pit stop for the Dragons, but climbing the volcano was a bitch in itself. The rock was hot in most places, but not unbearably so, and I could usually tell where not to step by the coloration of the floor. Spike had no problems besides trying to keep up with my considerably longer steps, but once I slowed down a bit for him, things got easier on him.

After an hour of climbing the volcano and ignoring the fact that we’d been followed the entire way there, Spike and I crested the summit and saw a fuck ton of Dragons of every shape and size doing just about what the fuck ever. There were a lot of Dragons wrestling with each other on solid ground and in lava, but mostly they seemed to be talking and sharing prey, so I looked around for the oldest looking dude who seemed the most relaxed, but none of the Dragon Males were really giving me the ‘relaxed’ vibe, so I scanned the crowd for an older female. I spotted one that looked like a good candidate for answering some of Spike’s questions, but when I went to let the guy know I’d found a likely source of information for him, Spike was fucking around with some teenage looking Dragons who were being entirely too rough with him. It took a lot for me to not step in and give them a piece of my mind, but it wasn’t really my place to correct Spike’s choice in guidance, so I headed toward him and was stared at by every Dragon within a five meter radius, but I dutifully ignored them until I could get Spike’s attention.

He was currently in a headlock, provided by some red fucker. “H-Hey Max! What’s up, mate?”

I looked the the arsewipe holding on to him. “Mind giving him a break for a sec? I need to get some words out.”

The red fucker smirked. “What’s it to you, skinbag?”

“Look here, faggot, I’ll rip your fucking skull off of your shitty body and drink your blood. Let him go.” I wasn’t asking any more.

The red fucker let him go and got up in my face. “Fuck did you just say to me, meat sack?”

I gave him a Black Eye and he fell like a sack of hot potatoes. “Spike, I found someone who looks like she might answer your questions.”

Spike looked between me and the red pillock. “Dude! What did you do to him!?”

“Nothing. The heat just got to him or something. You wanna stick around with the guys who are bullying you, or do you wanna give my way a shot?”

The pricks in question were actually closing in on us, forming a semicircle around us. The other Dragons nearby seemed a little interested in what was going on, so we were quickly becoming the center of attention. To avoid any further trouble, I reached down and focused for a second, waking the red fucker up, and when he sat up, he shot me a glare before storming off toward the lava. None of his buddies seemed like they were terribly worried about him, but that didn’t mean that I was out of the fire yet.

“Can I help you fellows?” I asked, trying to sound bored.

Some fat green bastard with tiny wings stepped forward. “What did you do to him?” He asked menacingly.

“I knocked him out because he was being a shithead. You got a problem with that?” I asked.

“Matter of fact, I do. Keep your magic to yourself, meat sack.” He snarled.

“Keep your hands off my brother and you won’t have to fucking worry about it, now will you?” I replied.

The green fucker snorted flames, but I was sure that he didn’t want to get his arse laid out like his buddy, so he stormed off too. The semicircle didn’t disperse, so I tapped Spike’s shoulder and had him follow me to the older Dragoness I’d spotted earlier.

On the way, Spike asked, “Dude! Why are you picking fights?”

I gave him a droll look. “If you think I started that, then you’re horribly mistaken, Spike. That red fucker didn’t give a single shit about answering any of your questions. You were practically a toy to him and his friends, and it’s damn shame you didn’t realize that.”

Spike gave me a funny look. “Yeah, okay, they play around a little rougher than Ponies, but I’m sure that it’s just the way Dragons are!”

“If that’s the way they are, then you’re going to end up being someone’s bitch. You’re soft, Spike, and these guys don’t really give a fuck about you.”

Spike crossed his arms and stopped in his tracks. “Well maybe they just don’t show that they care!”

I heard a Dragon nearby snort, so I walked up to him. “Excuse me mate, but do you give a fuck about this tiny purple Dragon?”

The blue fucker shrugged. “About as much as I do for the rest of our kin. Are you guys not a part of the migration?”

“I’m not a Dragon and this guy’s lived with Ponies his entire life. We’re here so he can ask some questions about Dragons and shit since he doesn’t really know much about them.”

The blue dude gave me an odd look before focusing on something behind me. I turned around to see what he was looking at and groaned: It was a big, shitfully made costume of a Dragon that was painfully obvious. Most of the people around it just gave it a wide berth and a lot of them shook their heads as it wandered around in circles. Spike didn’t seem to notice anything.

“Friends of yours?” The blue guy asked flatly.

“If I say yes, will you think less of me?” I sighed.

“Yes.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “They’re mostly harmless, mate. Once I find someone willing to talk to Spike here for a moment, I’ll tell them to fuck off.”

Blue guy shrugged. “Let me grab my wife and I’ll do it. You seem like you’re not a jackass, so I might as well lend you a claw.”

“Fucking perfect.” I turned to Spike. “I’m going to go talk to the ‘new guy’. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to.”

Spike looked at me funny. “New guy? Why would you do that? They’re not bothering anypony.”

The blue guy looked offended. “Did you just say ‘anypony’? What the shit is wrong with you, kid?”

Spike looked somewhere between scared and confused. “I-I thought that’s what everpo- everyone said!”

I sighed and patted the purple shorty’s shoulder. “Listen when this guy talks. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot.”

Spike gave me another odd look, but he did what I asked and stuck next to the cool blue Dragon and they started walking toward the Dragoness I’d been heading toward anyway. I thought that it was pretty amusing that I’d gone straight for the fellow’s spouse, but then again, if they were both as cool as he was, then I’d made the right decision in leaving Spike in their care. I hoped that he would be able to have his questions answered as he needed them to be, but that really depended on if he knew the right questions to ask. As much as I wanted to stick near him and learn a bit about Dragons for myself, I had to go do some damage control.

I walked up to the girls in their ridiculous outfit and whacked its snout. “What the fuck do you girls think you’re doing?”

Twilight’s head appeared in the costumes mouth. “Max! Why aren’t you in a disguise!?” She whispered harshly.

“Because I’m a savage. Why are you wearing that ridiculous crap?”

Twilight gave me an odd look and I heard Rarity huff further into the costume. “Dragons really don’t like ponies, Max. What if one of them comes after you?”

“Then I’ll take care it like I already have.” I said blandly. “Seriously, if it’s dangerous for you to be here, you need to leave. No one’s fooled by your terrible costume.”

“Well I’d never!” Rarity puffed.

I rolled my eyes. “Be offended when your life isn’t in mortal danger. I’ll take care of Spike, okay? Until then, just head back toward the forest and we’ll meet you there in a few hours.”

I couldn’t really see the look Twilight gave me, but I heard the uncertainty in her voice. “Are you sure? Wouldn’t having more-”

I cut her off with a gesture. “No, don’t say that word here. Don’t ask what it is and just go back to the forest before you turn this into a hostage situation or a bloodbath. Don’t argue.” I said in a low, lethal tone.

Twilight waited one long moment before I heard furious whispering from the girls. Out of nowhere, I felt something tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see the Red Dick from earlier and his gaggle of goons forming a familiar semicircle. I turned to face them and kept my hand on the Warbling Blade.

“Can I help you fellows?” I asked, deadpan.

Red Dick smirked. “Just wondering if you could introduce us to your friend here. We would hate to be unneighborly.” There was a round of chuckles.

“Yeah, right. This is my buddy Puff. She’s a little special in the head.”

“I like the look of her. You would mind if I said a couple of words to her, right? She’s not yours, is she?” Mother fucker, please. please give me a reason.

“You heard me. She’s not exactly available with her condition.” I said evenly.

Red Dick, put his claw on me to shove me to the side and I wrapped my psychic tentacle around his throat. He stopped in the middle of his shove, making me stumble slightly as his hands clutched at the invisible restraint. I’d had just about enough of his bullshit so I grabbed him by his throat with my actual hand.

I started pumping out Dark Magic. “Look here, you dribbling cock snot: Keep fucking with me. Push me to that point. I dare you.”

Red Dick stepped back and I let him go. “Damn, man! Take a joke, will you!”

“If I thought you were joking, we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

“I am! It’s just how we play around, dude!” He rubbed his throat and glared at me.

I blinked at him and chilled out. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously. We razz each other and get a little rough. We’re Dragons, we can take it!”

“Aww shit, and here I am ready to cut your fucking head off over a joke! Man, I’m sorry for being a prick, but I thought you were just being a dick to my kinda-sorta brother.”

“What? You mean the short guy? Yeah, no, we were actually about to play kickball with him. He said he was cool with it.” Red Dick told me.

I waved Puff away and watched the girls leave. “He’s like, thirteen and he wants you guys to like him. He’d probably agree to suck your dick if you asked him to, not that he knows what that is.”

Red Dick burst out laughing. “Dude, seriously? I’d swear the guy’s never seen another Dragon!”

I shrugged. “As far as I know, he hasn’t. He was raised by Ponies and practically tried running away to be here. It’s not like he couldn’t have just said that he was going, but you know how stupid kids are sometimes.”

Red Dick looked at me funny. “What kinda shit-tier Dragon sticks around with Ponies? Those things are fucking weird, man.”

“Oi, don’t knock ‘em til you fuck one. They’re pretty great in bed, but it’s not like I’ve tried anything else since I’ve been in Equestria. Which reminds me, I gotta fuck Elfriede this summer.”

He raised a brow. “Dragons aren’t really supposed to date outside the species. And that name’s awfully familiar for some reason.”

I cocked my head. “Really? Dragons can’t just pick someone to dick real good whenever they feel like it? I thought Dragons were do-what-I-want kinda badasses.”

“Nah, you got the wrong idea dude. We’re actually bound to a pretty strict code of honor. That code of honor is why we’re talking one on one. If this woulda went sideways, it’d be an honor duel and you look like you broil pretty well.” Red Dick flicked his tongue.

“I wasn’t kidding about the decapitation thing. I can do that two ways.” I reminded him casually.

He crossed his arms. “No weapons, no magic, how good are you?”

“No scale, no claws, no fucking fire breath, how good are you? Natural weapons are still weapons. My race uses tools to shore up our defenses because we never had magic or Dragon bullshit of any kind.”

“Uh, yeah, pretty sure you used magic against me.” He said disdainfully.

“That’s because I’m not really all that human anymore. It’s a long story that can be made short, but now’s just not the time.” I replied. “Are we becoming friends or something, or are you gonna make me dodge you for the rest of the day? I know I’m sexy, but you said it yourself; lusting after me is pointless”

Red Dick gave me a weird look. “Whippy dip looking dickhead.”

I raise a brow. “Ride on, Red Rocket.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Shit burglar.”

“Are we really doing this dick measuring contest? How old are you?”

“Nineteen. Can’t you tell?” He asked.

“Dragon aging must scale differently than humans because you sound like an almost decent fifteen year old except for the bullshitting around.” I said flatly.

“It does. Dick.”

“Grow up soon, please.” I shook my head. “I’m gonna go see if I can learn some stuff about you guys with my little brother, but in the meantime, try not to break anything.”

Red Dick looked around. “...Dude, we’re on a volcano. How exactly do we break shit?”

“I don’t know, maybe one of you jackasses decides to see who can swim down into the volcano and get sucked into the magma tides and get sent halfway across the world before you can drown. I don’t know what you fuckers are capable of.”

“If you don’t know what we’re capable of, why do you think you can kill a Dragon?” Red Dick scoffed.

“I knocked you out with a look earlier, and I can do it again. Going from there is easy.” I thought for a second. “Look, I’m not trying to fight someone who isn’t an adult by the standards of their race because I'm considered an adult of my race. I can’t exactly go around laying out big-mouthed kids whenever I want.”

“How about you try fighting without the magic and see how far it gets you.” He smirked

I shook my head and flashed him the seals on the Warbling Blade. “I’m not trained in nonlethal combat. If you want an honor duel, it’s first blood or to the death.”

“...You're an Operative of Equestria? You’re not even a Pony!”

I shrugged. “It’s because I’m good at what I do, mate.”

“And what exactly is that?”

“Killin’ shit. Takin’ shit. Makin’ friends.”

“One of those things isn’t like the others.”

“One of these things just doesn’t belong here.” I sang.

He looked at me like I was retarded. “...We’re gonna go.”

I gave him the two finger salute. “Buh-bye.”

I fucked off to go find the blue guy and the royal purple Dragoness I’d left Spike with and found them soon enough. I had to pass by the mouth of the volcano again, so I was sweating pretty hard up until that point, and I had to tamp some flames off of my jacket because it spontaneously combusted. All of those things were quite lovely, so I was slightly salty by the time I reached Spike, but when I did, I cooled my heels and listened in on some of the questions he was asking until the guy, who’s name was Nidhug, told me to go find something else to do.

I wandered around a bit and found a bored looking Dragoness of the edge of the volcano, looking out at the scenery around the summit. I took up a spot next to her and looked around, planning on talking to her, but I got caught up in the view. It was actually pretty magnificent since you could see a massive Mountain shaped like the back of a wolf in the distance. It was a little eerie since it was like staring at the form of a giant fucking wolf in the distance, but standing where I was got a conversation started, so my mission was complete.

“So, meat sack. Looks like you’ve been shaking things up since you got here.” I heard from my left.

I glanced at the periwinkle Dragoness. “Life’s only boring around me when I’m dead, though that happens more often than you might think.”

“Oh? I sense a story.” She smirked at me. She’s nibbling the hook.

“What’s it worth to you? I’ve got some pretty interesting stories, and that’s one of my better ones.” I returned her smirk.

“Tell you what, kid. You explain how you’re not dead after dying and I’ll see if it’s worthy of one of my own stories.” She sidled a bit closer and sat down on the edge of the mountain.

I sat a respectable distance away from her. “Sounds alright to me. Might as well pass the time with a couple stories. So the first time I died, I ended up fighting a Pony who was a lot tougher than me, but keep in mind that when I came to Equestria, my bones were literally softer than your average Pony’s. When I ended up fighting that Pony, she killed me and I had to be brought back with magic.”

The Dragoness scoffed. “Everyone knows that the only magic that can bring someone back to life is either Alicorn level juice or Dark Magic, and I doubt the Princesses are that interested in keeping you alive.”

I flashed her my Seals. “Any doubts?”

She lifted a brow. “I seriously doubt that they’d risk ruining the fabric of life and death for just any Operative.”

“That’s because I became an Operative after I befriended Celestia, but that’s another story. If I’m not mistaken, you owe me one now.” I gave her a crooked smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I may not believe you, but I’m interested in what you have to say. What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Have you ever hunted something called a Lursite?” I asked.

She gave me a funny look. “Those things have been extinct since before my grandparents were old, and Dragons are nearly immortal.”

That fact took a little bit to process. “Wait, so how long does your average Dragon live?”

“Depends on how they live. If they abide by the Honor Code, they’ll keep going until they’re insane which usually happens after about four thousand years, but most dragons only make it to the two thousand mark since no one really cares to see too many dynasties rise and fall. We usually get tired of being around by eighteen hundred or so years, but you never know how long some people might decided to stick around.”

I pursed my lips. “That’s actually pretty cool. Sounds like I need to start making friends with more Dragons so I have someone to talk to over the years besides Celestia and Luna.”

“How long does your race live?” She asked.

“Normally? About sixty to a hundred years, but it really just depends on the person. The average lifespan is around seventy or eighty, but I’m not really all that human anymore if my guess is right.” I explained.

She gave me an odd look. “So I’m assuming that you’re going to live longer than most of your race.”

I nodded. “About two thousand years, give or take.”

“Alright, I want to hear that story too.” She gave me a playful smile.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“I’d be tempted, but I like my claws on my arms, thank you very much. Just because you’re some horny little species doesn’t mean that any Dragon is willing to lose a limb over a night of decent sex.”

“You say decent, I say the best you’ll ever get. I think a four or so thousand year old princess should know her dick pretty well.”

The Dragoness looked at me funny. “Which princess has male genitals?”

“Probably could have worded that better. I meant that I’ve done the sex to Celestia and she liked it plenty.”

“You’re going to have to back up these claims sooner or later.” She warned.

“I live in a small town called Ponyville. If you’re ever up for a visit with a new human friend, just ask for Max or the Baron and they’ll direct you to my house. Honestly, it’s pretty hard to miss if you know what you’re looking for.”

“Wait, are you a Baron or something?” She asked.

“Yup. Celestia screwed me, so she made me a Baron.”

“...You’re actually alright for a noble. You brag a lot, but it’s not like you’re boasting for a crowd or anything.”

I chuckled. “Oi, you asked for a story and I’ve given you a lot of topics to choose from. It’s not bragging, it’s being informative.”

She snorted bright blue flame. “Whatever you say. Your name is Max, right?”

“Yes it is. Mind if I ask what yours is?”

“Chumana. Most people call me ‘Chu’ or ‘Mana’.”

“Imma call you Chu-Chu.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Like a train?”

I grinned at her and she blew a little flame at me. Shit was hot, so I scooted away from her. “Oi! Fire bad! I’m not flame proof, you twat!”

She blinked at me. “Sorry, I forgot you skin bags don’t like the heat. I’ll keep the fire to myself.”

“Thanks, Chu Chu, I appreciate it.” I gave her a shit eating grin and she cuffed my shoulder when I got within arm’s reach.

“Keep calling me that and I’ll toss you in the volcano.”

“I’m too cute for that. Just think of how dead I’ll be if you do.”

She snorted. “I’m sure your princess will come and save you.”

“I don’t need her to, but I’m really not trying to get tossed in a volcano anyway. Why don’t we move on to that story you were going to tell me?”

And so we did. Chumana told me about some of her more interesting hunts, like the time she tracked down a roving band of Dogs that were harassing young Dragons that couldn’t fly just outside of the Dragon Lands. The only reason they survived all that long was because they didn’t take too much and they often got hurt worse than whatever damage they inflicted, but the reason they were being hunted down was because they’d killed a hatchling while invading a cave. Chumana caught them all, rounded them up, and burned them alive, one by one while they were still tied to each other. The way she described it was brutal, but she’s a fucking Dragon, so I didn’t expect it to be a happy story.

She asked about the time when I dated Celestia, so I gave her a few details about what that had been like, and by the time I was done telling her about it, she actually believed me. I asked if she’d ever been to Bridleland and she told me that she had, but that she’d been kicked out for fighting too much since she’d stayed drunk the entire time. She still wasn’t really allowed to go back, but she stopped by Scotchland from time to time for more alcohol. We traded stories back and forth until Nidhug and his wife, Viper, came and told me that they were going to raise Spike as one of their own. Spike and I heavily objected to this.

Nidhug explained that the only way Spike was going to get a real feel for being a Dragon would be to go to the Dragon Lands and learn from his own people, but Spike and I argued that he had a life and a family here, and that leaving them behind would be betraying the life he’s built since he was born. The counter argument was that Spike wasn’t even supposed to have been raised by ponies, but when I mentioned that Celestia was the one who had Spike’s egg in the first place, Nidhug groaned loudly and started complaining about some stupid agreement that stated that a Dragon Egg would be chosen once every eighty or so years to be raised in Pony lands as per a treaty that had been signed years ago. Basically, Spike was being groomed to be an ambassador for his species in Equestria, though no one had ever mentioned anything of the sort before and every ambassador raised in that way previously had been killed one way or another.

Chumana stepped in on my behalf and argued that a Dragon raised by Ponies would have a hard time assimilating into Dragon culture in the Home Land, but Nidhug and Viper were adamant, so I challenged Nidhug to an Honor Duel because it seemed like the only way I was going to be able to take Spike home. The fucker tried to make it so that I couldn’t use any weapons, but when I stood next to him and pointed out that he had scales, claws, horns, fire breath, and invulnerability to heat, I had a few Dragons agree that it was only fair that I be able to use something as inconsequential as a knife. My suggestion that we use first blood at the rule was accepted after some debate, but once I mentioned that leaving a widow just wasn’t something I wanted to do, Nidhug talked to his wife and she agreed that it wasn’t worth losing his life over, just in case. He was a little offended that she thought that he might not win, but I pointed out that I was an Operative for a reason and he shut his whore mouth and squared up instead of prolonging the ordeal.

The fight was over quickly because Nidhug underestimated me pretty hard. His first swing was nice and slow, so I cut his forearm with the serrated form of the Warbling Blade and it was over like that. He raged for a good ten minutes before I reasoned that it could have just as easily been his heart, and his wife calmed him down, stating that they could find another way to help Spike.

Spike and I took our leave shortly after so I wouldn’t have to fight someone else, but then some two and a half meter tall green mother fucker decided to start shit. He challenged me to an Honor Duel to the death, and offered to let me use whatever magic I wanted. I agreed after he called me a ‘scaleless coward’ and asked Chumana if she would guard Spike for me so that he didn’t get kidnapped or something. I was assured by multiple parties that no Dragon would be dirty enough to do that, but I still asked her to do it since I didn’t really trust a bunch of strangers to do anything other than fuck me over.

I was allowed to use anything other than Dark Magic, so when I squared up against the green guy, I waited for him to make a move and wrapped my tentacle around his neck. I was cheating so hard, but he’d wanted to use his fire breath, so I donned my gloves and started punching him in the stomach while choking him. He tried to swipe at me while I strangled him, but I was doing a damn good job at working out some pent up aggression, and I eventually made the guy start choking on his own vomit and fire, so I let him go and he let loose all over the volcano’s floor. I was walking away when a wall of scales barred me from leaving, so I walked over to Spike and told him to cover his eyes and ears for a little bit. When he asked what I was doing instead of just doing it, I asked Chumana to do it for me, but she refused and while I was arguing with them about whether or not Spike needed to see me do commit a heinous act, my chest got really warm, then really cold. Spike started crying for some reason and when I looked down to see why my chest felt weird, I saw a green claw holding something pulsing.

That green hand was holding my heart.

I felt a sudden jerk and my hands went to the gaping hole in my chest. Things got a lot darker all of a sudden, and I don’t really remember what happened after that, but I do remember that I woke up at the bottom of the mountain with a huge hole in my shirt and a ferocious itch in my chest. The Sun was setting and I had forgotten about what just happened until I started walking up the mountain. The green fucker I’d been fighting killed me. Next thing I know, I’m on top of the volcano, livid like never before, and I’m scanning the crowd for someone taller than most of the other Dragons. I vaguely remembered collecting an awful lot of stares as I travelled across the volcano, heading toward a big green friend that was talking to someone. The fog of fury cleared for a moment as I approached the guy who’d killed me from behind and tapped on his shoulder.

He turned around and stared at me. “... I killed you.”

“And tossed me off the volcano, I’m sure.”

“...Yeah.”

I whipped out the Warbling Blade and stuck it into his stomach, pouring Dark Magic into the blade, trying to corrupt the green friend’s very soul. He looked at where the blade met the inside of his body and just kind of shut down. I stabbed him a few dozen more times, but the guy was frozen in place like I’d stopped time. I didn’t stop until I was sure that I had worked out the worst of my pent up aggression, but once I had, I moved on to punching him until I felt better. My muscles ached and I was covered in steaming Dragon blood by the time I was done, but it was totally worth it. His friend watched the entire time, and when I rose, he took a step back.

“Oi. Bud. Where’s the little Dragon I was with earlier?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything and just pointed behind me, so I turned around and saw most of the Dragons around watching the spectacle either on the ground or hovering in the air. Spike was bright green, standing in between Nidhug and Viper, so I waved and he waved back meekly. I turned back around and surveyed my work. It was pretty gruesome and there were plenty of nasty things slipping and sliding about, so I picked up the corpse with telekinesis and flung it over the side of the volcano because all’s fair in vindication and murder.

I walked over to Nidhug. “Mind if I take my brother and leave? No, let me rephrase that; We’re leaving before someone else gets themselves killed.” I looked down to Spike. “Come on.”

We left without a word and started heading down the mountain. Spike was keeping a fair distance away from me, so I checked to see if I was leaking Dark Magic, and I was, so I put a lid on it and started walking closer to him. Spike cringed away, but I grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.

“Spike.” I said neutrally.

“Y-Yeah?” He obviously wanted me to stop touching him.

“Are you afraid of me?”

He didn’t answer me, so I sighed and took a knee. “Spike, listen mate. I’m the same Max you’ve always known. I was just a little upset that the green fellow ripped my heart out.”

“...Y-You… You were dead. And now you're alive.”

“I don’t die easily. I’ve told you that.”

“... What are you?”

I was a little hurt by that. “If I’m right, I’m a Revenant. If I’m wrong, I’m a lucky human.”

“Dude… You tore that guy apart.” Spike cheeks filled and he spit some bile over the side of the path.

“He killed me. He deserved it.”

Spike shook and shivered, but I figured that hugging him would be a terrible idea, so I started talking to fill the silence. He listened to the sound of my voice and my tone calmed him down, though I don't really think the guy was paying any real attention to what I was saying. In fairness, he just saw two gruesome deaths in one day, so I couldn’t really blame him for being shell shocked.

I kept up the conversation until we got to the forest where I threw up. Dying fucked my head up quite a bit, and not being able to remember what happened afterwards bothered me since I’d been hoping to have another chance at meeting God, if my earlier journals were right. Spike checked up on me to see if I was alright, but I told him that we were probably going to need to have a long talk if either of us were going to be okay after today. I offered to take him to the Dragon Lands when he got a bit older, and mentioned that I had a Dragon friend that might stop by if he ever wanted to meet her. We talked about some of the stuff he’d learned to get our minds off of the day until we met up with the girls.

Twilight immediately knew something was wrong with both of us, but the girls were mostly worried about the bloody fucking hole in my shirt and the fact that I was coated in red. I’d tried to cover it with my jacket after reclaiming it from the place I’d left it before fighting the dirty green guy, but it was still rather obvious and I hadn't been able to get much of the green fellow's blood off. I told them that things had gotten a bit difficult after they left, but that I had survived without a scratch. Spike kept his mouth shut regarding the fight and my revenge, preferring to let me come up with a half-truth that he stuck to vehemently once it was said. Applejack couldn’t call me out since I was honest about fighting, but I didn’t tell anyone that I’d died and Spike said nothing about the fact that I’d eviscerated the guy who’d killed me.

Spike and I were rather quiet on the way back home, allowing the girls to do the brunt of the talking. Twilight tried to take me aside and ask why we were acting strangely, but I told her that I would tell her the whole story the next day. She bargained for later that night and I let her have it since I had no reason to deny her request, though Spike asked that he be able to come over too. Pinkie suggested that we make a party out of it after rudely interrupting the conversation, but when I knocked her out, she shut up. I carried her home on my back since I’d put her out in the first place, but for once, Twilight didn’t bitch at me for doing something unnecessary.

After waking Pinkie up so she could take herself home, I’d earned a little ire from Rainbow and Applejack for being so quick to put her to sleep. When they started bitching at me and I didn’t respond in any way, they got the point and left me alone, taking their leave to go back to their own homes. Rarity and Fluttershy knew something was up with me since I was being unusually quiet, especially for being yelled at, but when they asked what was wrong, I told them that it wasn’t anything they wanted to hear about. They left it alone since I explained that I would be talking to Twilight about it shortly, which I was grateful for.

Twilight and Spike followed me home since it was already dark as shit out. They both kept clothes at my house by this point in my relationship with Twilight, so they didn’t need to stop by the Treebrary and grab anything. When we got to my place, I had them follow me downstairs into my cellar where I picked out my former favorite bourbon and invited Twilight to grab whatever she wanted. She picked out some wine I didn’t pay attention to and Spike asked if he could have a drink. Twilight told him no in the same second I told him yes, but I defaulted to Twilight since she was his primary caretaker, though she conceded once Spike mentioned that he’d seen two people die in the same day. After that, I grabbed a quick shower and met them downstairs so we could air things out.

Once we were upstairs and I had a couple shots poured for myself and Spike, I downed mine before I my hands could started shaking, but the tremors were gone anyways. Spike sniffed his glass and sighed before just pouring it back into the bottle, favoring some white grape juice from my ice box. I figured that I was just numbed out from the fact that I’d died, and Twilight cut me off when I went for my third glass. I couldn’t help but see her wisdom in the matter, so I closed the bottle and started talking.

“So I died today.” I said flatly.

Twilight put her wine glass down and folded her hands. “Somepony killed you and you went back and got your revenge. You died in front of Spike and killed somepony in front of him.”

“That’s the gist of it.”

“That’s not the important part.” Spike said softly.

Twilight put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. “What is the important part?”

“The guy who killed me ripped my heart out in front of Spike. When I killed the guy, I made it real messy.” I explained.

Spike shook his head. “Max told me not to look, and I got him killed because I didn’t want to listen.”

“It’s not your fault, Spike. I shouldn’t have turned my back to an enemy.” I assured him.

“If I hadn't been arguing with you, there wouldn’t have been a distraction, and you wouldn’t have died. That guy might not have died.” He said numbly.

I shook my head. “He challenged me to an Honor Duel. One of us was going to die either way.”

Twilight tugged on my hand with magic and pulled me over to join her and Spike on the couch. She grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “I know it’s an understatement, but you two have had a rough day. Maybe some rest might help get your mind off of it?”

I kissed Twilight’s cheek. “I’m here with you. I’ll be okay.”

Spike sighed. “I’ll be alright, it’s just… I feel guilty. All of this happened because of me.”

Twilight hugged him harder and I said, “You didn’t make anyone challenge me, Spike. Other people’s decisions aren’t your responsibility, little man, so try not to dwell on it.”

“...You still haven’t been wrong so far. I trust you, Max.” He said sincerely.

“Thank you, Spike. That means a lot to me.”

Twilight hummed happily and that made us smile. “I’m glad to see my stallions are bonding.”

“Men don’t bond, Twilight.” I reminded her.

“Remember the archipelago?” Spike chuckled.

She rolled her eyes. “I swear, you guys are like brothers or something.”

Spike leaned around Twilight. “Max called me his brother earlier.”

I nodded. “That’s because you practically are. I might as well start calling you ‘brother’ now since I intend on marrying your sister.”

He smiled. “I think I can deal with that.”

Twilight beamed brightly. “Now I just need you to get along with Shining!” What if I told you that I could’ve nailed his fiancee?

Spike sighed. “But he’s such a stick in the mud, I don’t think he’ll ever come around to Max if he hasn’t already.”

Twilight put her arm around my neck and pulled Spike and myself to her chest. “You never know! You guys just need to have faith!”

We scoffed and Twilight blushed. “You work on getting him to accept me as your boyfriend and I’ll go talk to Noir. I need to get some things settled with her.”

Spike looked between us. “Who’s Noir?”

“A friend of mine that I have to talk to in a special way.” I explained. “She’s hard to get ahold of, but she’s pleasant most days.”

Twilight let me go and reclaimed my hand. “Are you sure we can’t just spend the night together? Just the three of us?”

I kissed her cheek. “I’ll see her in the morning then. Tonight can be for us.”

It was agreed that we would spend some time taking our minds off of the horrendous scenes from earlier by making popcorn, dancing around to whatever music Spike picked, and making use of my observatory. It was nice.

Author's Notes:

This chapter took some doing, but I published like, five short stories while trying to jog my muse, so read those I guess. They don't suck too bad.

Fun Fact: Max was dead for about an hour since all of his bones had to heal from being tossed off a fucking volcano. It doesn't affect anything, I just thought you might like to know

Like, comment, throw feedback at me. Whatever you want to do.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.