Author's Notes:

We'll be getting away from romance soon enough. The trip oughta be fun

Do the usual shit. Like, comment, let me know what you think. I'm actually curious: What do you think of Max picking and sticking with Twilight?

As Always, Git Gud

Stay Cool, Kids.

I didn’t want to do anything with the rest of my day when I came home from kicking Blueballs’ face in, but I knew that lazing about was stupid and pointless, so I forced myself to go and do something social. I could have cheated and counted some one on one time with Noir as doing my due diligence, but I figured that I wouldn’t risk the scolding for ignoring my other friends in Ponyville. With that settled, I grabbed my favorite charcoal grey jacket and headed towards town. I didn’t really have a set destination in mind, but I figured that I could always go see Mary for a legitimate social visit since I was in town. It occurred to me that I could stop by the Lock Pad and catch up a little with Onyx Lock for a while. I liked the guy pretty well, and through his gruff exterior, I think he’d taken a shine to me. I hadn’t really talked to him since learning that he'd been an Operative, so I figured he could spare a little time from the daily monotony.

I walked in the Lock Pad and greeted Knuckle Duster, Onyx’s assistant. I may have mentioned him before, but the guy always struck me as an interesting character worthy of mention. He was built like a fucking lorry, nearly as big as Onyx himself, but a little thinner around the waist. I figured he’d be a nice guy to have around if I ever wanted someone looking out for me, so I started up a conversation.

“So, Knuckle Duster. How long have you been working for the big pink prick?” I asked casually.

“Uh… I dunno?” He answered meekly. Something’s not right.

“Let me try that again. How many months have you worked for Onyx?”

Duster’s eyes darted from side to side, looking for an answer he wasn’t finding. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know.”

I didn’t want the guy to have a panic attack or something, so I went easy on him. “Relax, mate. It’s not like I’m trying to interrogate you or anything, just trying to learn about a friend of a friend.”

He eased up a bit. “Yeah. Alright.”

“You don’t say much do you?” I inquired.

“Well, not really…” I sense a disturbance in the force.

“I think I hear an unspoke ‘unless’ in there somewhere.” I commented.

“Well… It’s just that when I start talking about stuff I like to ponies, they get this weird look on their face.” He said.

“Try me. I’m told I can be a good listener.”

“Well, I was thinking about the way the universe works and I was wondering if there’s such a thing as a connection between an event, or two points in space, or perhaps even time, but what I’m really curious about is how time, space, and our perception of them changes depending on what magic we use. Of course time in Equestria works in a way that doesn’t allow anything that hasn’t happened to happen without disturbing the fabric of space and time in and of itself, but what if we could somehow source enough magic to break the limitations of time and grab whatever resources we need from branching paths? I know it sounds a bit barbaric if you think of it as a war of time, but what’s stopping us from being the only timeline that has such a power-”

I cut him off with a hand gesture. “Mate, your hypothesis is flawed. If it was possible to create different branching paths of time, then surely someone would have given up the secret by now, and you yourself said that time in Equestria is somewhat cyclical. You’re saying that if we could breach time and take resources from other periods in time, but if that was possible, the planet would have already been stripped of its resources. Basically, you sound smart, but you’re not making any fucking sense.”

Duster blinked at me. “...Now that I think about it, you’re right. I guess I just blurt out half formed thoughts sometimes.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just the nature of the intelligent to say those kinds of things, though I’m honestly surprised that you even know what half of the words you said meant.”

He shrugged. “I like Quantum Theory.”

“You should stop by the library some time. I’ve browsed some of Twilight’s more obscure books on theories, and I think you might find something you like.” I suggested.

He gave me a little smile. “I will. Thanks Baron!”

I rolled my eyes. “This Baron has a name. Call me Max, Duster.”

He looked at me like I’d grown a third head. “Sure, but most ponies call me Knuckle.”

I curled my lip. “That implies that you’re dumb. I won’t insult your intelligence unless you make me, though I am curious as to how you got stuck in the closet that one time.”

He blushed and scratched his head. “I kinda just tune out sometimes. If nopony asks me about anything specific, I can just give them short answers.”

“I understand that. I’m gonna go talk to your boss, have a good one, mate.”

“You too, bud.”

With that, I headed on back since no one stopped me. It’s not like I wasn’t supposed to be there or anything, so it was fine until someone said something about it. I found Onyx picking some locks and remembered that I’d been meaning to ask him about something for awhile, but he was busy at the moment, so I grabbed a stool for myself and found some tools to start working on locks with. Months without practice had made me pretty rusty, but once I felt the first couple of tumblers sink into position, I started getting better. It took me twelve minutes to crack the lock, but I figured that it was still a decent time for not having done it since that Trixie blowhard had shuffled into town.

“You do realize that was about a six out of ten, right?” Onyx asked me bluntly,

“On my performance or the lock itself?”

“Yes. Why are you here?” Way to be conversational.

I shrugged. “Figured I needed to stop neglecting my non-female friends if I wanted to keep them. I also need some portable picks, if you have them.”

Onyx grunted and walked through his orderly shop, stopping every now and again to pick something up. He returned with a set of ten picks and a mat that could be used to store them. He fitted the picks into their correct places and folded the small wallet-like thing before waving it in the air.

“This crap is hard to find and hard to make. It’ll cost you five bits per pick.”

“So fifty? No problem at all if it’s an investment in my future freedom.” I tossed him a fifty bit coin and he tossed me the pouch.

“Good doing business with you.” He grumbled. “So are you here to talk about something or what? I’ve got lunch in five minutes, so either make it snappy or wait.”

“Whatever’s better for you, buttercup.” I said cheekily.

Onyx picked up a padlock and threw it at me. I learned the rules of dodgeball from an early age, so I did what came naturally and ducked. Sadly, he was aiming for my chest, so I ducked straight into the lock. I think that was the first time I ever heard Onyx laugh, so I guess that was a plus. I just wished he hadn’t been laughing at me, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that nonsense.

I cooled my heels while Onyx got his shit put up and prepared for lunch. We didn’t go anywhere, so I don’t know why he’d acted like we were going to leave. I chalked it up to being old and started telling Onyx about how I fell for Twilight because that was pretty much the biggest event so far. He didn’t want to hear any of my ‘mushy garbage’, which meant that I was pretty much down to current events. The thing with Prick Blueballs was pretty damn current, so I told him about how I’d wrecked the guys shit after he’d been a pompous arsehole. Onyx asked if I was talking about Prince Blueblood and he gave me my money back for the picks, citing my domination of Blueballs as payment enough, though he wished that he could’ve seen it for himself. I told him I would let him know if I ever decided to fight him again, just in case I wanted to vent some anger on someone who hated me for what I was born as.

Onyx told me about some of his dealings with the mares in his life and we found out that we were wiener cousins through Mary. I mentioned that I was about to go see her for a social visit later, and he told me to avoid the back door. I didn't want to know, and I didn’t want to ask, so I changed the topic to the other mare he was seeing. I didn’t know anyone by the name of Blueberry Tart, so we didn’t talk about her very long. Still, it was nice to talk to another guy about guy stuff. Spike was alright and Macintosh had gotten cool, but the Dragon was just too young to broach some topics with and Macintosh had a penchant for not saying much if you weren’t dealing with his family, so it’s not like I had many opportunities, especially in a female heavy town like Ponyville. Male company was a commodity around here, regardless of your sex.

I had to ask Onyx where he picked up a character as interesting as Knuckle Duster, but the guy couldn’t really give me a straight answer. He’d told me that he’d just found the guy wandering around Ponyville one day and took a liking to him, so Onyx asked Duster to work in his shop and the rest was history. No one knew where the guy was from or really anything about him other than his name. He’d stuck me as a decent sort, but I was a little leery of people who just showed up without anyone noticing. People like that tended to be dangerous, though I trusted Onyx’s judgement.

I parted with Onyx around four, so I went to go visit Mary for a little bit and hoped that she wasn’t busy. She would either be doing things she was supposed to be doing, or she would be ‘playing’ until someone burst in through the door. The amount of times I’d caught her with her heels on her desk was a little ridiculous, but what happened afterwards was usually pretty fun, so it was a net positive if you ask me.

After a brief exchange of pleasantries, Mary’s receptionist told me to go on ahead and gave me the familiar knowing smile that she always had whenever I stopped by. I didn’t know if she could hear her boss from downstairs, or if Mary had just told her what went on, but either way, I was pretty sure that the receptionist knew what Mary spent most of her day doing.

I didn’t feel like knocking before I came in, so I didn’t. For once, Mary was actually doing some work. “Hullo there, Ms. Busy.”

Mary looked up and gave me a smile. “If it isn’t everypony’s favorite Baron! How can I help you, Max?”

“Just stopped by to say hi and see what you were up to. It’s weird to see you actually doing paperwork.” I said cheekily.

Mary colored slightly and coughed. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that you just happen to catch me at bad times.”

“Right. How many times have I caught you doing something other than Mayor stuff?” I asked.

“...Point taken. As much as I would like to entertain you for a couple of hours, I really must get this done. Maybe we could reschedule?”

“Sounds like a plan to me, though I’ll have to figure out how mad my lover is at me. If she’s upset, then I’m afraid I’ll have to take a raincheck until I’m out of the doghouse.”

“Oh? Did you add another mare to your list?” Mary grinned.

“No, she was actually one of my girlfriends, but then I fell for her pretty hard. It’s actually Twilight Sparkle.”

Mary’s eyes widened. “Really? I was almost certain that you would go for Fluttershy since she’s, well, her. Don’t get me wrong,” She added quickly, “Twilight is a lovely mare, but I just never thought that it would work out between you two.”

“Twilight and I are actually alike in more ways than you might think, and our relationship has always been different to say the least. Fluttershy and I had a great physical connection and we got along well enough, but there’s just something about Twilight. It might be the fact that she’s super intelligent, or that she’s been a good friend to me through and through, but I just can’t imagine anyone else taking her spot.”

Mary gave me a warm smile. “Well, I’m glad to hear that you’ve found yourself a good mare to settle down with, even if it’s not the one I’d thought you would end up with. Give Twilight my best next time you see her, will you?”

“I will. Have a good evening, Mary.”

“You too, sweetie. Next time, bring me some coffee, will you?”

I rolled my eyes. “If you’d get your legs off of your desk and onto the floor, you could walk to go get it yourself.”

Mary blushed bright red and I left, chuckling my arse off. I liked getting the last word, especially when it was something amusing. Unfortunately, having finished my visit with Mary rather quickly, I now had no excuse to not visit Twilight since I was in town already. At least, that’s what I thought until I talked myself into going home to avoid her fury for a little while longer. I would have just gone and faced the music, but I didn’t feel like being yelled at by anyone and having Twilight be mad at me in person sucks something fierce, so I just went home.

I cleaned up a little, but there wasn’t much to do, so that didn’t eat up much of my spare time, so I sat on my couch and threw some more ideas for A Star Crossed Love on some paper. Nothing seemed to stick very well, so I gave up after an hour of faffing about with half formed concepts. Without anything else to do, I figured that I could get away with visiting with Noir, so I assumed the position and three breaths later, I was in my mindscape.

This time, we were in the Constabulary in Wiltshire. Noir was about to say something when I switched the scene to a place that hadn’t caused severe trauma. “That was fucked up, Noir.”

She lifted her hands in a placating gesture. “I meant no harm, Max. I was simply exploring, and my search took me here. I should have altered the scene before you arrived, but I thought you would be able to handle it.”

“Just because I can doesn’t mean that I want to.” I said.

“...So you chose your childhood home instead?”

“Not the best choice, but at least I’ve already made my peace with what happened here.” I sighed. I closed my eyes and changed the scenery again, this time going to the park in Ponyville.

Noir looked around for a moment before picking a direction to walk in. I followed her since I was interested in what she was doing, but the further we went the more obvious it became that we were heading toward the Everfree. We would be safe in my mind, but I didn’t like the thought of going into the Everfree without a good reason in the first place. I kept my feelings to myself for the time being and continued trailing along behind Noir, watching her tail swish from time to time. I snuck up behind her and tried to pluck one of her feathers, just to see if she would let me do it, but she whacked me with a wing when I got too close.

“Plucking an Alicorn’s feathers is considered a great offense, Maximus.” Noir stated plainly.

“Then I’ll keep that in mind. Can I have one of your feathers?” I asked.

Noir gave me a look. “No. I’m not going to give you something so you can try to tickle me.”

I imagined a feather like the one The Watcher had given me in the Everfree. “I can always make my own stuff to tickle you with.” I poked her with the feather.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Do you ever tire of being a fool, or is it just your natural default?”

I shrugged. “You would know better than I would. You spend your days in my head, and you know what I think and how I feel.”

“True enough. You do tire of being a fool at times, but you feel that you have to keep yourself entertained in some way.”

“Yup. Life is boring enough as it is. If I don’t make things fun, then who will?”

Noir made an about face and strode up to me. “I can make things fun for you.”

I looked up at her. “You already do, whenever I spend time with you.”

She did something rather unexpected and grabbed my gentleman’s sausage. She didn’t say a word and looked me in the eye for one long, awkward minute. I was afraid to move, just in case she didn’t want me to go anywhere. Noir literally had me by the bollocks, and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about that.

“...If this is your way of coming onto me, you need to work on your approach.” I told her.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to say something.”

We stared at each other for a while longer. “...So are you going to let go?”

Noir’s face started twitching before she cracked up for no apparent reason. I was just glad that she’d let me go without squeezing too hard. Once she calmed down a bit, she said, “I can’t believe it took you five minutes to ask me to let you go!”

“Well, you literally held my life in your hand, so I wasn’t going to risk pissing you off. No man will ever be that foolish.” I said petulantly.

Noir broke into some more giggles and I started throwing sex toys of various sizes and shapes at her. I didn’t throw them very hard, but it was amusing to watch rubber dildos bounce off of her. I would have just buried her in them and called it a day since she apparently liked dick that much, however, Noir started making them disappear after the first ten or so. I thought that it was a bit cheaty, but then again, I was conjuring ammo from the ether, so I can really talk about fair.

I wanted to shift the scene and do something else, but if Noir wanted to walk, then walk we would. The fake day was pretty nice, so it’s not like I had any real reason to complain other than the fact that I didn't really want to go back into the Everfree if I wasn’t going to get to hunt something. Noir briefly addressed that thought and told me that we could hunt something while we were there from her own memories. I jumped at the opportunity to take down something that Noir considered a worthy opponent, so I girded my loins and prepared for the worst. She said that she set it loose about the forest and that it would come to us eventually, thus I needed to stay on my guard. Advanced perception goes a long way in making sure that you don’t get caught napping, so I kept an ear open for any sudden movements in the brush. I didn’t hear anything for about thirty minutes, so I was starting to get a little jumpy. There wasn’t much noise in the forest because there weren’t individual animals there to make any of the noises, meaning that it was eerily silent for the Everfree.

Up until I heard an earth-shattering roar, all seemed well. The ground shook at the ferocity of the sound, and it seemed to come from all directions. I stuck close to Noir since I didn’t know what we were hunting anyways, and when I asked out of curiosity, she just smiled and told me to hang on to my underpants. I found that to be a bit ominous, so I conjured up a Needler from Halo because it seemed like a cool thing to go with at the time. I looked around for the source of the roar until it sounded again, much closer this time. I followed Noir’s eyes, but all I saw was more empty forest.

With nothing to gain and probably nothing to lose, I decided to forgo any weapons that I didn’t have on me when I entered the forest and Noir complimented my decision to do things the right way. I told her that I was going to be pissed if dying in my mind killed me in real life, and Noir just laughed at me, which I found to be a little rude. She assured me that she didn’t mean to be rude without me saying anything and I told her that it was rude to read minds. Noir rolled her eyes and pointed in a random direction. I followed her finger, and I saw something that looked like a hybrid of a bear, a lion, and jellyfish. It walked on all fours, had a head like a large bear, but the grace of a fully grown lion. Frail looking tentacles made up its mane and more spines jutted out from its back, giving it the feel of some semi aquatic creature.

“Noir, what in the bloody fuck is that thing?” I asked.

“That, my dear Human, is a Lursite.” Noir gave me a smile.

“Why is it so loud?” The Lursite froze in place, glaring at us.

“Because it is a naughty creature. Very unfriendly and rather lethal.”

“...So can I kill it?” I inquired.

Noir beamed. “The real question is whether or not you’ll survive that long. Let the games begin!”

The Lursite let loose another eardrum rending roar that I conjured up some headphones to help block out. Shit was seriously unpleasant to the old hearing holes, so I figured that making myself a little more comfortable wouldn’t hurt. I stared down the Lursite for a few more seconds before Noir made her move, leaping through the air and bringing forth a claymore from thin air. At the pinnacle of her leap, she began her swing and brought it down on the Lursite with killing intent. I watched as Noir’s blade barely pierced the beast’s hide, which made me a little giddy. I decided not to let Noir have all the fun and ran in after her a few seconds after her strike. The Lursite was a bit cumbersome, but its swipes were quick enough to be deadly if it caught you. I kept that in mind as I dashed through its front paws and tried to slam Nacht home into its underbelly. I realized why Noir’s sword had barely done anything; the creature’s fur was so unbelievably thick that I could barely get the dagger to its flesh.

I ducked and dodged underneath the creature before rocketing out to attack it from the side. It’s tentacles waved in the air and creeped me out a fair deal, so I started hacking away at those. The Lursite wasn’t happy about that at all, and turned its head to give me one Hell of a roar. I actually got stunned like I was playing some MMO or something, but the sheer volume had left me with precious few other choices, and I was pretty sure that I would have gotten taken out then and there if Noir didn’t run interference for the time it took me to get my bearings. Once I did, I was pissed.

Mr. Nice Guy had gotten blown away with the roar, and Mr. Prick was back in action. I put some distance between myself and the Lursite, preparing to strike it with my telekinesis. I focused my tentacle into a spear tip and coiled it up to give it a little extra power, and with one fluid motion, I sent it hurtling towards the Lursite, taking its front left leg. I had pierced straight through it in my frustration, but since I was working at the edge of my telekinetic limit, the damage wasn't as grave as I would have liked it to be, so I closed in a little and prepared another strike.

With my last move, I’d gotten the creature’s attention, despite Noir annoying it with some handy bladework. It swept its thick tail, sweeping Noir off of her feet to face the real threat; Me. I was oh so willing to stab this fucker in the face, so I cocked the tentacle back and let it loose, aiming for one of the creature’s eyes. Sadly, my aim failed me, which meant that I was now staring down something easily five times my size, and that thing wanted my bumhole in a portable cup. I drew the Warbling Blade and took a second to focus it into its serrated, hot knife form before rushing the Lursite for another go at it, slicing and stabbing as I dashed through its front paws again. My gambit proved foolish because the heavy piece of shit just laid down on me.

That was a mistake on its part. I used my tentacle to surround myself so I wouldn’t get crushed immediately and started working on recreating a scene from Star Wars. I hacked away at the beast’s belly until it rose, pouring blood all over me. I didn’t let up there, preferring to get nice and dirty with the job since I was already covered in its vital fluids. Clinging to its fur, I sliced and gouged until I had carved out a sizable chunk of its flesh. My stomach churned when I thought about the grisly task, but I was deep in the sick pleasures of a life and death moment, and my opponent was a fearsome one.

Sadly, I miscalculated the time I was supposed to spend under the beast because it suddenly hopped back, leaving me exposed to an attack, and attack it did. I felt a lot of things when it swept me away with one of its paws, but luckily. once I could wrap my head around the pain of having half of the bones in my body broken at once, I remembered that I could heal myself. I was a little shaken from that, so I needed a moment to get my head together, but it’s not like I had to rush. Noir had jumped back into the fray while I was chopping away at the Lursite and was keeping it busy better than I had, hopping all around the beast wearing it down. I’d caused considerable damage with the Warbling Blade, but that hadn’t really slowed it down much since it was fighting even harder for its life. I hated that we hadn’t been able to make it a quick, painless kill, but the thing was fucking tough and it probably would have killed Noir and I if we weren’t in the dreamscape, so I didn’t feel all that bad.

I got off my lazy arse and ran back to join Noir in taking down our formidable foe. Since going under it hadn’t worked, I tried climbing on top of it, taking fistfulls of its fur to make my journey a little easier. The Lursite barely even noticed my presence with Noir handling the majority of its attention, so I did the first thing that came to mind: I cut its tail off with my tentacle. The creature stopped suddenly, but Noir didn’t, preferring to keep up her relentless assault on the beast. The Lursite turned its head and ignored her completely, staring at me on its back. I waved and it let loose a roar that actually did blow my eardrums, leaving me stunned again, but this time, it didn’t allow me to rest. I nearly got stepped on, but thankfully, Noir is the best person to have on your side in a fight. She used some of her magic to create a shell around me so that I wouldn’t be instantly crushed, and while I was in that shell, I took the time to heal the damage I’d accrued.

I cut my way out with the Warbling Blade and rose to join the fight. The Lursite had focused on Noir and was constantly roaring at her, trying to stun her. I wasn’t having anymore of this creature’s bullshit, so I formed my telekinetic tentacle into a spear point again, but I wasn’t aiming for a leg or something like that this time. The Lursite had wrecked my arse twice, so I was going to do the same to it. I took careful aim and thrust my tentacle at it’s most vulnerable point. Instead of roaring, it let out the most pitiful squeak and laid down before rolling over onto its back.

Noir walked around the creature and watched as it healed itself. She joined me at its rear and asked, “Was that really necessary? I am rather sure that we could have slain the beast without resorting to such filthy tactics.”

“When in doubt, shove something up it’s arse, baby. That little idiom has gotten me through many a fight.” I grinned and stopped acting like I was in some hentai.

The Lursite rolled back onto its belly and stayed there with its newly formed tail between its legs. “Despicable. If I had known that a Lursite could be quelled by sticking something into its buttocks, exterminating them would have been so much easier.”

“A lot of things can be calmed down by doing that. It’s like grabbing someone’s dick and expecting them to want to continue fighting.” I said.

“I grabbed your phallus and you chose to fight the Lursite.” Noir pointed out.

“Yes, but you weren’t grabbing my dick while we were fighting the Lursite.” I walked around to the front of the creature and it buried its muzzle in its paws. “I think I might have domesticated it.”

“I imagine that having something shoved into that place would make most creatures wary of you.” Noir surmised drily before joining me. “Remind me to never push you that far.”

“If you don’t break most of my bones, then you won’t have to worry about it. Try and kill me quick, if you want to do it at all.”

“I would not try to kill you. You know this already.” Noir said, sounding a bit offended.

“Don’t take it to heart, love, I’m not saying that you’re actively after my life. I’m not even saying that you’re after my life at all.”

Noir pursed her lips. “Then we can leave this conversation behind. Do you want to finish slaying the Lursite?”

I reached out to it and stroked its head. The Lursite took one of its paws off of its nose and looked at me expectantly. “I don’t think so. It’s not the prettiest creature, but it did put up one Hell of a fight. I think it deserves a bit of dignity after what I did to it.”

She nodded and the scene changed to the beach that I had visited with Celestia and Luna when I was tripping on snake venom. I conjured up a mirror and some bathing suits before changing myself into Roxy so I could admire my figure. I tried changing my skin color to see if I was any sexier with a tan, but I was happy with my paleness, so I just magicked on something nice and blue. Noir chose a modest one piece that I thought was nice, if not a little plain.

“My choice in attire is perfectly fine.” She huffed, shoving me. “Just because you are a slut does not mean that I share your vain tendencies.”

“Oi, I’m not… Well, I might be a bit of a slut, but how can you fault me for finding myself attractive? Isn’t it important to be comfortable and to like yourself?” I grinned.

“Your attraction to yourself is extremely narcissistic. Do you not remember the days when you were uneasy wearing a female’s undergarments?” Noir shook her head.

“Yeah, I remember those days, but then I started thinking that I was hot. Is it so wrong to want to be attractive?”

“No, but it is strange when you do so for your own sexual pleasure instead of someone else’s.”

“Oi, I try to look sexy for Twilight too! It’s just that she’s not always around and I don’t want to send her pictures all the time because I never know when Spike might find them.”

“I know this, you do not have to explain yourself.” Noir closed her eyes and conjured up a canopy tent for us.

I made a couple of reclining chairs for us and had a seat. “Does it bother you that I find Roxy so attractive?”

“Yes. It is most likely a result of your being violated on multiple occasions. Subconsciously, you wish that you were someone else so that you could have lived a different life, and Roxy fulfills that desire for you. She is like a second skin that you can wear, and when you do, you feel clean, the exact opposite of how you feel in your normal body. I could tell you that you are a good person that deserves to be happy, but you would not internalize it coming from me. Perhaps you will come to your senses after a few more years with Twilight. “

“...It sucks when your psychoanalyzation makes me sound like a fucking lunatic. What kind of guy gets his jollies from changing sexes like he changes clothes?” I asked, put off.

“A damaged individual that looks for ways to heal. I do not believe that your attraction to Roxy will negatively affect you, though some may find your ability to change without missing a beat to be a bit odd.”

I sighed. “I’ve always been an adapter, I guess. It just sucks that I’ve been using Roxy as a crutch.”

“You really haven’t. You rarely enough change into her, and even then, your main reason for doing so is to spend more time with your friends. I would warn you if your behavior was getting out of hand. And speaking of, it is good that you did not lay Mary. If Twilight knew that you had come back to town and slept with another mare before seeing her, she would have been hurt.” Noir commended.

“I figured as much. When do you think I should go see Twilight?”

“You could see her once you finish up here. I doubt that she has remained upset, but you may want to ‘break the news’ to her gently regarding the reason you went to Canterlot.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think she would be terribly thrilled about me going to Canterlot for a duel without her, but I didn’t want her to see me lose, just in case.”

“You really should have taken her with you, and I should have told you to do so. Come to think of it, you still need to collect your reward for winning.”

“There was a reward? I thought I just got to beat up some uppity cock snot.”

Noir chuckled. “That may be a reward in and of itself, but there should be something else for you to claim, if the old ways were truly invoked. Perhaps you could write Celestia a note before you go see Twilight?”

“I could always do that, but before I go, I have a few more questions for you.” I said.

“Ask away.”

“Why is your horn broken? It looks cool, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little weird.”

“My horn is broken because I was separated from my sister.” Noir said solemnly. “I do not wish for it to be whole while I reside within you.”

“Mood killer right away. Let’s move onto something happier like time dilation. How does that shit work in here?”

“Magic.”

“I know that, but how magic do?” I asked.

“Magic do temporal displacement. When you’re inside of your mind, I can alter your perception of the flow of time. Minutes could seem like days if I wanted them to. I do not alter time while you are not here, just in case you decide to come in. If you were to come while I was in the middle of altering time as you understand it, I could put you into a coma that may take decades to bring you out of.”

“...Have I ever mentioned how much I love the fact that you’re not evil?”

“I don’t believe you have.” Noir said airily.

“Well, I won’t start now. I will tell you that I appreciate what you do for me, even if I don’t know the half of it.”

Noir tilted her heads toward me and gave me a smile. “I know. That’s why I continue to do things for you; I know that you will not take them for granted.”

“If I ever start, just let me know that I’m being a self centered prick and I’ll knock it off. You do too much for me to treat you as anything other than a friend, or something like that.” I said sincerely.

“Something like that indeed. I suppose the bond we share surpasses any other since our souls are literally fused at a base level. It is natural for us to grow closer as time passes.” Noir said.

“I wonder what we’ll be like in a hundred years. I bet I’ll be even funnier than I am now.” I chuckled.

“You are funny? This is news to me.” Noir stated.

“Shut up before I put a saddle on you and ride you around.” I threatened.

“...You wouldn’t.”

I imagined a small saddle for a pony from my world. “Try me, love.”

“Have I ever mentioned how comedic I find your antics?” Noir said quickly.

The saddle disappeared, and I brought forth some of the cartoon ponies I’d seen while tripping. Noir and I poked and prodded at them for awhile until I made them larger so we could go for a ride. Noir ended up picking the Celestia pony because she still felt some left over jealousy from Luna, though I held my tongue. I did notice that Noir seemed to enjoy riding Celestia more than she should have, but in fairness, I’d enjoyed it plenty when Celestia rode me so I guess I can’t really say anything. I browsed through my small selection of ponies and decided to go with Twilight since I figured she would be a good pony. I was proven wrong three minutes later when she bucked out of nowhere and threw me into the sand, and Noir laughed at my misfortune until Celestia took off into the sky before dropping her into the ocean. I had a chuckle at that waded into the water to find Noir. She surfaced a good ways into the water and lazily teleported herself back onto dry land like she didn’t have perfectly fine arms and legs.

Noir chided me for calling her lazy and kicked me out of my own mindscape so I would still have time to go see Twilight. It was starting to get late, so I threw on a little of her favorite cologne, styled my hair a little bit, and got to walking so I could catch her before she went to sleep. I passed some ducks on the way to Twilight and I was certain that they were the same ducks I had seen last time, but now they were away from their stand. I decided not to bother them since they weren’t bothering me, but my stomach growled and my inner predator was starting to come out. I wanted some roast duck, but that would have been unnecessary since I could go into the Everfree and get my own meat sometime soon. I thought about steak the rest of the way to Twilight’s place and caught myself drooling once.

I really need some meat.

Arriving at Twilight’s felt like it hadn’t taken as long as it usually did, though I was pretty sure that it was because I was expecting to get bitched at. I knocked on the door and Spike answered it, but instead of letting me in, he stepped out.

“Dude, Twilight is so not happy with you.” He warned.

“I figured as much. How do I smell?” I asked casually.

He gave me a weird look and sniffed me. “Good, I guess. Is that really what you should be worried about?”

“You’ll learn eventually. When a girl is mad at you, every little thing can help you out, even just smelling good.”

“Right. Good luck, dude.” He sighed before opening the door.

I followed him in and he pointed me toward the library, so I assumed that was where Twilight resided. My assumption was correct; Twilight was reading multiple books at the same time and taking notes as she went along. I posted up on a wall and watched her do her thing until she realized that I was in the room. When she looked at me, I gave her a little wave and came to sit next to her.

“Max.” She said tersely.

“Yes, cherry?” I asked.

“Why would you go to fight someone and only tell me when you’re on your way?”

“Because I had the sneaking suspicion that you were going to try and stop me, which wasn’t really an option-”

“That’s not true and you know it.” Twilight said hotly. “Duels haven’t been honored in Equestria for dozens of years!”

“That’s true, but if I backed down to some stuck up prick, what would that say about me?” I asked patiently.

“It would say that you’re not reckless or foalish enough to get mad at everypony who doesn’t like you!”

“Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.” I stated. “I thought it was a necessary evil.”

Twilight glared at me. “Next time, don’t leave town without talking to me.”

“I’ll be sure to see you before I leave again.” I assured her.

Twilight sniffed. “You’d better.”

I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Can we stop being mad and go back to being goofy? I like being goofy.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “You’re always goofy.”

“Yes, but you’re not goofy right now.” I gave her another peck.

Twilight turned towards me and levelled a withering look my way, but I ignored it and went for a kiss that she tried to pull away from. I followed her with my lips, not breaking contact until she eventually gave up and returned it. The power of kisses is strong, and Twilight is susceptible to their magic when I utilize them, which I abused when I needed to. I let Twilight push me back a little and looked at her, waiting for her to speak.

“It bothers me when you don’t think about other ponies, Max. You’re usually so good about it.” Twilight said neutrally.

“I just didn’t think you’d be interested in watching me potentially kill someone. I didn’t know what the rules of the contest were when I accepted, which was my fault and I apologize for not gathering information before rushing off.”

She turned a little green at the mention of murder, but skipped it. “At least you know what mistakes were made.” She pursed her lips and sighed. “I really don’t want to ask because it feels like I’m condoning violence, but did you at least win?”

“Without taking a single hit. It was a brutal lesson in not picking fights with Operatives.” I grinned.

Twilight tried to give me a disapproving look, but I knew she was proud that I’d come out on top. “Bad Max! Hurting ponies isn’t right!”

“Oi, I wouldn’t have hurt the guy if he didn’t try to cheat. Well, I wouldn’t have hurt him as badly.” I couldn’t stop my smile.

Twilight gave me a worried look. “Your opponent tried to cheat?”

“Yeah, he got a blade that wouldn’t allow Celestia’s sparring spell to take effect for longer than a few seconds. I agreed to fight him anyway because I knew from the way he stood that he wasn’t worth a damn with a knife.” I chuckled. “Seriously, it was painfully obvious. You probably could have taken him, at least, during this week.”

Twilight colored slightly. “Max, I can’t believe you took a completely unnecessary risk without even considering the consequences! What would happen if you got hurt? What if you would have gotten killed!?”

I gave her a look. “I’m practically immortal for the next three hundred years. I’ve told you that. I didn’t take a risk at all, cherry, I knew he didn’t stand a chance. Even if he would have gotten a lucky swing off, Celestia was meters away and I would have come back anyway.”

That took some of the wind from Twilight’s sails. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that whole ‘undying’ thing. I guess that’s going to take some getting used to.”

“Especially in the bedroom. My dick don’t quit, baby.” I said cheesily.

“Dude!” I heard Spike call out from the kitchen.

“Sorry mate! Still hasn’t happened yet!” I called back.

“Max, Shut up!” Twilight burned bright red and whacked me a few good times.

“Sorry, but how else was I supposed to tell him I was kidding?” I said with a grin, shying away from her blows.

“You could have said you were kidding! It’s literally that easy!”

“Oh yeah, would you look at that. Hey look, an owl!” I pointed at a bird I hadn’t noticed before.

Twilight barely spared it a glance. “That’s Owlowiscious. Have you seriously never seen him before?”

“Oddly enough, no, I haven’t.” I turned from Twilight to Owlo… Actually, fuck that long ass name. It’s Owl with a capital ‘O’ from here on. I turned from Twilight to Owl. “How’s it going, mate?”

Owl hooted and said, “Not bad. Found a couple of mice in a field earlier.”

“Sounds like a pretty good snack to me.” I commented.

Owl fluttered his wings. “It was. I try not to eat around Ponies too often, but Twilight gives me some non-alive stuff from time to time. It’s cool.”

“She’s pretty great, isn’t she? I’m rather fond of Twilight myself.”

“She is a good master. Is there something you wanted to ask me about?” Owl asked.

Twilight looked between us. “I forgot that you could talk to animals. What’s Owl saying?”

“We’re just chatting at the moment. He was saying how he likes that you give him food and that you’re a good master.” I relayed.

Twilight smiled. “Well thank you, Owl! I’ll be sure to give you plenty to eat.”

Owl fluttered his wings again. “Tell her that I don’t like peanuts.”

I turned to Twilight. “He says he doesn’t like peanuts.”

She blinked at me. “Well, that’s easy enough to fix. What does he like?”

“Nothing you’d be willing to get for him.” I said. Owl bobbed his head in agreement. I addressed him. “I don’t have any questions for you, but thanks for being pleasant.”

“No problem. Bring me a mouse sometime.” Owl requested.

“If I find another one of the Kendani in my garden, I’ll let you know. Actually, just come to my place whenever. You’ll catch them more easily than I can.” I said.

“I might do that. Is Lupa still gone on her quest?” Owl asked.

“Yeah,” I responded softly.

“I wish the both of you luck. It will not be an easy journey.”

“I know. She’ll make it through.” I assured him.

“What are you two talking about now?” Twilight asked.

“Lupa. I think the conversation is over now.” Owl nodded. “And so it is.”

“It’s so cool that you can talk to animals!” Twilight’s earlier frustrations were forgotten, apparently.

“If I was still close with the Naga, I’d ask if I could get enough Hizketan Baia for you to be able to talk to animals too. Sadly, I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “The Naga gave you the berries that killed you?”

“In their defense, no one knew that they were poisonous to me.” I said.

“Yes, but are you sure you want to be friends with ponies that got you killed? I mean, that’s pretty… Unwise, isn’t it?”

I gave her a deadpan look. “Really?”

Twilight looked confused before she realized what I was talking about. “W-Wait, that’s different!”

“Yeah, Applejack was trying to hurt me. The Naga weren’t.”

Twilight shut up until I rolled my eyes and gave her another kiss. I extended it for a little while to show that I wasn't mad at her and I only stopped because I heard Spike gag in the background.

“Shut up, shorty. You’ll be this way eventually.” I called out.

“If I ever do, remind me of this moment!” Spike called back from halfway up the stairs.

“Shitty tweenagers and their shitty shit.” I muttered.

Twilight was still lost in dreamland, so I didn’t bother snapping her out of it before going for another kiss. Seriously, the things were incredibly addictive. While we were kissing, I thought about a lot of Twilight related things that are either overly romantic or generally intimate, so I’ll skip those thoughts. When I pulled away again, Twilight had a mild blush on her face and embers in her eyes. I’d forgotten all about the arousing powers of kisses and the fact that she was still in estrus. If I didn’t want her to jump my bones, or rather, one in particular, I was going to have to slow my roll with the lip contact.

“Why’d you stop?” Twilight asked huskily.

“Because we need to breathe sometime, cherry.” I chuckled.

She blinked a couple of times and the embers were gone. “Oh, right. What were we doing before the kiss?”

“Well, I was going to offer my home to you and Spike for the night.” I said kindly.

Twilight bit her lip. “As much as I would love to, I don’t think it’s wise this week. The girls are planning a slumber party tomorrow night if you want to join us, though. We’re going to chaperone Spike, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle while they have their own slumber party.”

“So we’re not going to be doing anything terribly fun?” I asked.

“We’re going to have fun!” Twilight objected.

“No drinking, none of our usual games, and no hot tub for this one. I’m totally in, mind you, but it just doesn't sound like our usual thing.”

Twilight scrunched her nose up. “I didn’t think of it lik that. Why does drinking matter to you anyway? You quit, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I quit, but I wanted to see if anyone could beat Applejack in Quickdraw during the next party.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re the only person who stood a chance besides Big Mac. Nopony is willing to risk taking eight shots in rapid succession besides you and Applejack anyways. The only reason Fluttershy and Pinkie played is because you pressured them into it.”

“I didn’t pressure anyone into anything! I just said that the people without a win should have to play something else as punishment and Pinkie was the one who suggested a drinking game!”

“You didn’t have to suggest one of the most brutal games I’ve ever heard of!”

I laughed. “It’s not even that bad! I’m telling you, Maxwell and I used to go for three rounds at a time before we passed out.”

Twilight shook her head. “Maybe it really is a good thing that you quit drinking. It sounds like you were quite the lush.”

“I was the lushest of them, cherry. Wine was water to me for the longest.” I chuckled. “There were times where I spent my whole day, morning to night, drinking nothing but alcohol in some form.”

“That really doesn’t sound healthy…” Twilight said slowly.

“Oh, it wasn’t. It was probably one of the worst things I could do to my body, but I was young and dumb. I’m still young and dumb, but at least I’m cute “ I gave her a winsome grin.

Twilight patted my shoulder. “You are cute, but sometimes I think that might be the only thing you have going for you.”

“Oi, my lack of respect for authority has taken me quite far, thank you very much.”

Twilight chuckled and gave me a peck on the cheek. “I know, and that surprises me.” She stopped and seemed to get lost in thought before sighing sadly.

“What’s on your mind, cherry?” I asked.

Twilight gave me a weak smile. “I’m just thinking about Celestia.”

“Not Princess Celestia?”

“The Celestia I knew and loved was a lie.” She said bitterly.

“No, the Celestia you knew was the best side of her. She didn’t show you the bad stuff because she wanted you to love her, and I can’t really say that I find fault in that. I mean, I actually have lied to you so that you would like me, which isn’t really something to be proud of, but I can understand Celestia’s view.”

“It’s not just that she lied, Max, it’s that she’s hurt you so many times! Would you forgive her for hurting me?” Twilight asked.

“I still haven’t.” I admitted. “I’m not asking you to forgive her, just to see things from her side.”

Twilight bit her lip and thought for a minute or two. “...I guess I can see her side of things if you put it like that… I still don’t approve of what she did to you.”

I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “And I love you a little more for that. When you’re ready, Celestia is willing to talk to you about some stuff. I told her that if I found out that she wiped your mind, I’d kill her, so don’t worry about returning with fewer memories”

“Aww, when I translate that into Twilight Talk, it sounds like you’re really protective of me!” Twilight gushed. She gave me a couple of pecks on the cheek as a reward.

“What do you mean ‘Twilight Talk’?” I asked.

She blushed. “Well, when you start talking about really dark stuff like killing ponies, I just think of it like you said something else, like that you were going to ‘hug’ Celestia instead of killing her. It’s nicer this way.”

I patted her head. “Who’s my innocent little lover? You are! Yes you are!”

Twilight giggled and swatted my hand away. “Stop it! I’m not that innocent!”

I gave her a good hug and chuckled. “You say that, but we know better.”

Twilight pushed me off of her and gave me one last kiss before hinting that I should get back to my own house. I didn’t want to leave, and normally she wouldn’t have asked me to, but we’d agreed that we weren’t going to stay the night at each other’s places while I was male and she was in estrus. It was a sucky rule, but at least I’d be with her for three weeks out of four, so I couldn’t complain that much without sounding like some kind some kind of whiny baby bitch boy. Alliterative insults always make me smile.

I didn’t really have anything to do when I went home, so I caught my journals up and visited with Noir again. She took me canoeing down some river that I’d never seen and we did that for a couple hours, taking the occasional break to eat lunch on a beach or shoal. We talked about random stuff, but never broached anything terribly deep since we’d mutually agreed that we would talk about important stuff once per day, and that if I saw her multiple times, that we would save the other visits for ‘us time’.

It was a nice way to wind down after a day, long or short, and I was glad that I had a semi-parasitic being of Dark Magic residing in the deepest depths of my soul. I considered panicking and just generally being recalcitrant towards the whole ordeal, but there was nothing that was going to change by bitching. I figured as much when Luna first told me that Noir was bonded to my soul: If she was telling me about it and not doing something, then it was probably there for good. It still bothered me a little that Noir knew literally everything about me, but things were easier once I thought about the fact that she’s literally stuck in my mind with no way out. We were both stuck in an unfortunate situation, but we were making the best of it. Honestly, it’s an incredible stroke of luck that our personalities work together, otherwise, we’d both be miserable and that just wouldn’t do, now would it?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was dark, but that’s because I woke up before dawn. I had the same problem I had last night concerning things to do, but at least I would have something later in the day. I slumped my way out of bed, kinda made it, picked out some clothes, and got my morning shit done because that’s how I do. After all that noise, I put seven eggs into an omelette and scarfed it down because I was fucking ravenous. I considered having a snack after that, but I didn’t want to test my metabolism more than I already had, so I settled for some cider and spent some time writing A Thousand Moments.

I actually finished the book the way I’d originally planned, which mildly surprised me. About halfway through, I’d given up and syncing up my ending, but somehow, it had gotten back on track. I blame the previous day’s visit with Twilight, seeing as how she seemed to be my muse. After sending a few notes to Twilight, I burned the transcript with Dragon Fire and sent it to her so she could make me two copies. She really was handy for writing and whatnot, and she was a great editor too. She knew how to fix spelling and grammatical errors without changing the flow of the story too much, and she was pretty good about catching them, if Stove Pipe’s lack of complaints are anything to go by.

With one book done, I took a break from romance and decided to go with another Midnight Stroll book. I figured that I’d go with the time I was hired to steal a ruby man-ring from some pumped up frat boy, though I was going to dress it up better than that, of course. I started jotting down ideas since I didn’t really have a direction I wanted to go yet, but after a few minutes, I was bursting with possible permutations, so I grabbed one of my many blank books and got to writing. I had three chapters done by noon and had held off on my bathroom break for as long as possable so that I wouldn’t lose my inspiration by taking a break from being great. I returned to find that I still had some creative juices flowing, so I sat down and pumped out another chapter before someone knocked on my door. It turned out to be Berry Blitz wearing a fetching dress and camisole combo.

“Good afternoon, boss!” She said brightly.

“Afternoon, Berry. You seem like you’re in a good mood today.” I raised a brow and gave her a crooked smile

She blushed lightly. “Well, I might have found myself a nice stallion. He seems a little spacey, but he’s really sweet!” Sounds pretty familiar.

“Is he a taller, muscular fellow with a close cropped haircut?” I asked.

Berry’s eyes widened. “Yeah! How’d you know?”

“I was talking to Duster the other day and now you show up with a boyfriend. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in Ponyville.” I said drily.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course there is, boss! Why, I’m sure that the two events had nothing to do with each other at all!” And someone missed the point.

“You’re right, Berry. Come on in whenever you’re ready, I was just faffing about.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you weren’t cleaning again? I know you remember what I said the last time I caught you cleaning.”

I rolled my eyes. “I remember, love. I was writing up until now, if that’s what you want to hear.”

“Oh, did you make much progress in your book?” She asked, ditching the other subject.

“Actually, I finally finished it. Things got slow for a little while, but Twilight really gave me a boost.” My mouth twitched as I remembered spending time with Twilight. What can I say? She’s usually on my mind.

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were dating her! How is she? Have the Elements gotten into anymore trouble?”

“Twilight’s doing fine, and the girls haven’t done anything terribly stupid that I’m aware of. My fingers are crossed for them to flood the town or something when spring has sprung, though.”

Berry lightly swatted my arm. “Boss, that’s terrible! Even if you’re joking, you shouldn’t say stuff like that!”

I rolled my eyes and walked into my house. I wondered why every woman I knew hit me, but I just couldn’t find any reasonable explanation. I mean, I don’t go around hitting people and they rarely hit anyone else while I’m around, so I feel a little targeted. Estrogen is an evil thing.

Berry started from the top and worked her way down as she usually did, but when she reached the ground floor, she bitched at me for a solid six minutes about cleaning my own damn house. I understood that she got paid to do it, but when she only comes by every so often, what else am I supposed to do? Just let my house be dirty and live with it? I told her what I thought and that she could bugger off if she wanted me to live in a dirty house. Berry apologized for yelling at me and I told her that I just didn’t have much to do, and that cleaning was just a pastime for me. She still told me to stop cleaning, but she did so in a much nicer way.

Once Berry left, I still had plenty of time to wank or whatever before I was supposed to show up at Twilight’s for the sleepover thing, so I headed into town and did shome shopping since I had nothing else to do. I bought some more clothes because I felt like it and talked to a cobbler about having a special pair of boots made. I left the place with a grin on my face and a bounce to my step, but with that done, all I had to do was take my clothes back home and grab some snacks. I’d managed my time well enough to keep myself busy, so I was rather happy about that, but the way I had done so made me walk out of town only to come back again, so I was a little annoyed with myself about that.

I got home, threw my bags of clothes on my bed and went back to town after packing some of my sleepwear. I figured that the rule for myself and Twilight was still in effect, so I took some clothes for Roxy and mosied on down to Twilight’s house for a shindig-hoedown-apalooza. Or, rather, I was showing up for a super tame slumber party for kids. I was only halfway to Twilight’s house when I reminded myself that I didn't have to go it sober, so I jogged back home and grabbed my smoking kit. I’d even gotten a little case for everything at the general store, though it was of poor quality. I made a mental note to head over and have Fancy take me to his little smoke shop to see if I could get a custom case or something. With any luck, the same woman who made my pipe and pocket watch would have made a case too.

I arrived at Twilight’s late because I’d blown so much time walking back to my house, but it wasn’t like I had to be there on time. Rarity opened the door, welcoming me inside and I said hi to everyone when I walked in. Twilight wasted no time taking me up to her room so that she could change me into Roxy, which made me glad that I’d assumed that she was going to do it. She left and I changed into my sleeping clothes, but before heading downstairs, I took a look at myself in Twilight’s standing mirror, though I wasn’t checking myself out. I felt a strange disconnect, like I wasn’t really in my own body. I moved and the person in the mirror moved right along with me, but that person just didn’t feel like me now. I shook my head to clear the thought from my head, reassuring myself that I am who I am, no matter what.

I grabbed my tits and doubted myself.

Shaking my head once more to banish evil thoughts, I went back downstairs and Spike got to me before anyone else could. The little Dragon took me into the kitchen, away from everyone else. “Dude, why did you turn into Roxy?”

“It’s the rule with me and Twilight for this week. We can’t stay over at each other’s places while I’m a guy.”

Spike groaned. “That’s so lame! I was hoping that there would be another guy, but now I’m stuck in a house stuffed to the top with girls!”

I cuffed his shoulder. “Keep your chin up, mate. I’m still the same person I usually am, I just look different, so stop bemoaning your fate and suck it up.”

Spike rubbed his arm where I’d hit him. “Right. You’re right! It’s not like you’re actually a girl. I just need to keep my head up and make it through!”

“Exactly. If anyone tries to play dress up with you, I’ve got your back, so let’s get in there and slumber party, or some other verb.”

Spike gave me a look, but he still lead the way into the library section. The girls cheered when the males returned to the party, but I didn’t learn why until they brought out a menagerie of clothes that seemed quite twink-like. Thankfully, they were all Spike’s size, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone trying to stick me in anything for the time being, but that did mean that I had to explain to all of the girls why I was so vehemently against degrading Spike’s dignity. I actually took Twilight aside and explained the full details of why it was dehumanizing to treat the poor guy like he was a doll, and she caved pretty quickly once I made an analogy likening their treatment of her little brother to that of a pet. Once I’d gotten that point across to Twilight, she shut shit down and there were no further arguments.

Sweetie Belle offered to try on the outfits in Spike’s stead since he was so obviously against it, but Rarity chided her, telling her that wearing boys clothes was not happening in her presence, so I suggested that we change Sweetie Belle into a dude. Rarity wasn’t having any of that, so I asked her why she was so willing to let me change back and forth between sexes, but not her sister. Rarity couldn’t give me an answer, so I pressed the subject until she started babbling apologies. Twilight hit me for being a prick and Rarity hit me for purposefully flustering her, even though she should have known what I was doing when I started asking her what her problem was. Rainbow, Applejack, and Fluttershy all backed me up, saying that everyone should know my usual bullshit by now, but Rarity and Twilight were against letting me off the hook since I should have known better. I argued that everyone knew that I wasn’t mad unless I was yelling, and Pinkie started arguing because everyone else was.

Eventually, I got things calmed down by admitting fault and apologizing to Rarity for her not being able to take a joke. That landed me in the doghouse with Twilight, but at least the kids were laughing. I was a little surprised to see that Scootaloo was actually there, but kept my words to myself, just in case I wasn’t supposed to point it out for some odd reason. Pinkie brought out some kid friendly games that we played for awhile and Rarity had some wine that she wanted the girls to try, so they did that.

All in all, the night was incredibly boring and I offered to host another slumber party some time next week at my house when the kids went to sleep, though Rarity raised a fuss about never getting to host anything. I offered to let her do it, but she balked and said that my house was just so much more spacious and accommodating that it only made sense for me to have the party. I threw a pillow at her for being unnecessarily difficult and Applejack put her in a headlock for the same reason, though Twilight pulled her off before she could mess up Rarity’s hair.

I didn’t bother going to sleep since I was used to staying up for days on end, though the rest of the girls save for Twilight and Applejack went to sleep around three or so in the morning. The three of us talked among ourselves for a few more hours until Applejack eventually tuckered herself out by sipping on the flask she had brought with her. Well, she actually brought three, but she was down to her last one by the time she passed out which left Twilight and I to our own devices. I would have loved to make out with her a little bit, but it was dangerous territory at the moment and I didn’t want to set something off, just in case we woke anyone up, so we had to settle for some mild cuddling. Twilight wanted to be the big spoon for once, so I allowed her to get behind me, though it was odd. I hadn’t been the little spoon since that one time with Celestia, and I wasn’t too sure about how I felt regarding the position until Twilight wrapped her arms around me and buried her face into the nape of my neck. It was a new experience that I didn’t hate. I felt safe in her arms and was comforted by the soft warmth of her breath on my skin, though it drove me crazy in my lady parts. I was willing to bet that it was the reason that Twilight wanted to be the big spoon, and I really couldn’t blame her since she was in estrus. I decided to keep my revelation to myself and just enjoy the moment since it was something I’d never done with Twilight.

We dozed off from time to time in ten minute intervals, though we usually came to consciousness within seconds of each other. After three or so cycles of this, my body decided that I’d had enough sleep, so I got up and started making breakfast while Twilight continued dozing off and on. Spike came into the kitchen a few minutes after I got started and helped me out with the preparation, making the time pass a little faster. The Cutie Mark Crusaders woke up around nine or so, which meant that we had breakfast hot and ready for them when they came into the kitchen. The girls were dead to rights until eleven, though Twilight and Applejack slept in until one in the afternoon. Once those two got their arses into gear, everyone started dispersing to go do whatever it was that they were planning on doing, and I had Twilight change me back into Max so I could take a piss standing up. Seriously, it’s very liberating to urinate while not sitting, and I now see why the She-Wee was invented back on Earth.

I went home and filled some time by visiting with Noir since I didn’t do so during the night, but we didn’t talk about anything terribly important besides the mild detachment I felt when Twilight turned me into Roxy. Noir explained it as me feeling the need to distance myself from my supposed ‘crutch’, though she maintained that I was nearly fine, and that my knowledge of the ‘problem’ was already helping to fix it. I wasn’t too sure about how I felt concerning Roxy at the moment, but I do know that I didn’t plan on turning into her again this week, so I kept that in the back of my mind.

Noir let me go when night fell in Ponyville, so I wrote down the days events in my journal and made some cider from apples that I had on hand. I tried stewing the juice out of them, and that worked well enough, though that did mean that I had to handle a decent amount of incredibly hot apples that looked a bit like Granny Smith, though I don’t have the guts to say that to any of the Apple family. I liked them too much to insult their incredibly pleasant, rather quirky matriarch, and I liked my teeth where they were, thank you very much.

Once I made the cider, I tried a couple mugs and ended up pouring it down the sink. It was straight up terrible like nothing else I’d ever tasted, so I was sure that my poison could serve someone in the sewer better than myself at the moment. Come to think of it, how does Equestrian plumbing work? I never asked myself before, but I’ve never seen a water tower or a water treatment facility of any kind around Ponyville or Canterlot. Once I had that little though niggling in my mind, I made it a point to physically write down a note so that I would remember to ask Mary about it tomorrow. A part of me wanted to do more than just ask her a couple of questions, but it felt unfair for me to go around having sex while Twilight was abstaining with difficulty, so I felt like it was my duty as her boyfriend to metaphorically (and sometimes physically) stand beside her in an act of solidarity.

I went to sleep warring with myself over what I should do about Twilight. On one hand, I wanted her, but on the other, I wanted our first time to be something special and memorable, not some simple estrus fueled fuck. I wanted to make love to Twilight, but it was so hard to keep denying her when she was coming after me. Usually, it’s not so bad since I can’t always see the lust in Twilight’s eyes after a particularly good kiss, but during estrus, we both knew that we wanted a piece of each other and the only thing holding us back was an agreement that seemed awfully silly in heated moments. My second brain thought that I was being ridiculous, just for the record, but Noir applauded me for waiting on Twilight to be ready, so I took her praise as motivation to continue keeping the Ol’ Chap in my pants.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Waking up without coffee in a cup is a bitch, so instead of catching a shower and getting my day started properly, I made some Pitch Black Death and sat on my porch to watch the sunrise. It took two cups of coffee and three cups of tea for the Sun to get its lazy arse over the horizon, but it was a sight well worth the wait and five bathroom breaks. Caffeine is brutal in the mornings, but it’s also the sweetest mistress at times.

I wondered about what I could spend my day doing, but nothing really came to mind until I remembered the Naga. It would be a worthy venture to go and see them again, so I decided to do that. I started packing up my satchel full of food and water for a couple of days and strapped my knives onto my person as I always do when I’m preparing to take my day by the short and curlies. After writing Twilight a quick note explaining that I was going to go into the Everfree from the Whitetail woods near my house, she sent me back a reply that told me not to leave my house until she got there. I abided by her request because I didn’t want to get in trouble for ignoring a reasonable request. That, and disrespecting Twilight by ignoring said request wouldn’t have sat with me very well anyways.

Twilight arrived quickly enough, but much to my surprise, she was dressed in jeans, hiking boots, and a dark long sleeved shirt. Twilight looked like she was ready to go into the forest with me, so I took her into my kitchen and had a cup of coffee with her.

“Twilight, why do you look like you’re trying to come with me?” I asked informally.

“Because I intend to go into the Everfree with you.” Twilight sipped her coffee. “Is there a problem?”

“Yes, yes there is. I’m not taking my heart into that murder forest.” I said calmly.

“It’s literally inside of you. You take it everywhere you go.” Twilight commented.

“No, It’s with you. I gave my heart to you when you told me that you wouldn’t betray me, and from then on, I swore I would protect you from whatever comes at you, emotionally or physically. Taking you into a fuck mothering murder forest doesn’t sound like I’m doing my job.”

Twilight gave me a disarming smile. “Where you go, I go. I’m not going to let you got into the ‘fuck mothering murder forest’ by yourself and frankly, the only way you’re stopping me is by not going in the first place.”

“Damn headstrong women and their bullshit.” I muttered under my breath. Twilight raised a brow and I leveled a glare at her. “Look at this logically, Twilight. I’m a trained Operative who’s had to survive in the Everfree for an entire month by myself with limited resources. I had to hunt and kill most of my food. I’m dangerous. You’re a sweet, compassionate woman who hasn’t killed anything in her entire life, has probably never been in a life or death fight, let alone a fucking fight at all, and you're generally scared of the place. You aren't dangerous.”

Twilight wore a little smile that annoyed the shit out of me. “I might not be dangerous like you, but I have my own tricks, Max. Keep in mind that I’ve subdued more magical beasts than you ever have, banished Nightmare Moon, and survived the town when it became a free for all after that Want-It-Need-It spell. I’m not some fragile flower, amour, and it’s about time you start realizing that.”

I was so tempted to hit her with a Black Eye so I could just go and let her sleep off her nonsense, but I saw Twilight’s side of the argument, and it was somewhat solid, much to my chagrin. I was about to speak when she added, “Besides, what better way is there to protect me than to be with me? If you go into the Everfree and something happens while I’m in town, what would you do?”

“Shut up and wait here for a moment. I’ve got to grab something before we leave.” I said darkly. Twilight gave me a worried look as I went upstairs and grabbed my old dirk.

I’d left it in my room since I’d been planning on taking Nacht with me, but if Twilight was going to come with me, I was going to need it. I came back downstairs and took Nacht off of my belt and put my dirk on it. Twilight watched on with mild curiosity before I handed her the longer blade.

“If you’re coming with me, you’re bringing a weapon.” I stated as a fact.

Twilight looked at it uncomfortably. “Are you sure? I mean, I have magic, and that works well enough.”

“You’re bringing something. It doesn’t have to be Nacht, but it has to be something sharp.”

“Again, are you sure? Can’t we just bring our wit and leave it at that?” She laughed nervously.

My face didn’t move and I traded my dirk for Nacht and held the smaller blade out to her. “If our wit was enough, I’d happily leave it at that.”

Twilight took the dirk from me gingerly and unsheathed it. She obviously didn’t like the thought of using it against another living creature, but she could deal with it. I was going to give her every advantage I could before we went in there. I knew that I was being overly protective since I could kill most things with my telekinesis in a single hit, but having solid weapons never hurt anyone's expedition, and I wasn’t about to head into the forest without having steel on me. Granted, I had no idea what the Hell Nacht was made of since the blade was as black as the night sky, but it was sharp and useful, so I wasn’t bitching.

Twilight reluctantly put the dirk in her pocket and we wasted no more time faffing about in my house. I warned Twilight that I would wreck the shit of anything that came too close to her, and she reminded me that she could take care herself, seeing as how she was one of the most powerful Unicorns this side of Canterlot. I told her that a real fight never goes exactly how you plan it, no matter what and she shut up since she’d never actually been in one.

We entered the Everfree through the Whitetail woods and I spotted the old trail markers that the Naga had laid out for me rather easily. Twilight lost some of her nerve when we went into the forest itself, so I took her hand and held it firmly as we traversed through brush and branches. I kept the conversation low and down to important details, though Twilight’s voice seemed to carry through the forest. It actually attracted some attention in the way of Kobolds, and I spotted them from about twenty or so meters away. I froze in place and stared them down as they approached us, drawing the Warbling Blade and pumping my Dark Magic into it. I chose the Kukri form so we wouldn’t be bothered any further and tried to make it so that it wouldn’t affect Twilight, but she never even seemed to notice the magic beyond recognizing it as Dark Magic. She asked what I was doing and I told her that I had to exterminate the lizard things, and she argued vehemently against killing them until I reminded her that they were rapists and ate Ponies. Once they were about ten meters away, I started killing them one by one with the spear tip of my tentacle. There were only five of them, so I didn’t have to do much. I was glad that Twilight listened to me when I asked her to cover her eyes.

After that little interruption, we met a Manticore in the middle of the trail about thirty minutes later. It stalked toward us and Twilight stepped forward to intercept it, but I was loathe to allow her to put herself in front of me. I wrapped my tentacle around her waist so that it wasn’t touching her, just in case the manticore got too close, but Twilight put it to sleep before it could make any real advances toward us. She turned around and gave me a triumphant smile before an Orthus came crashing through the brush to eat the Manticore. Twilight took a minute to be ill and I disposed of the corpses I’d made so that Twilight wouldn’t see them. In my defense, if that Orthus didn’t want to die, it shouldn’t have made my girlfriend get sick all over her shoes.

We came to a stream and Twilight washed her mouth out before washing her shoes off. I squatted next to her on the stream’s bank and asked, “Are you okay, cherry? I know watching something get eaten can be a bit of a head trip if you’re not a predator species.”

Twilight shook her head. “I got that Manticore killed, amour. I got that poor creature eaten because I put it to sleep!” Tears fell from her face.

“Twilight, don’t feel bad. That Manticore would have either killed us or died by my hand anyway. In the forest, it’s them or us, and you better be picking ‘us’ to live as often as possible.” She turned her tear soaked face toward me and I cleared her eyes before giving her a kiss. “Things die here, my love. Things die here every day, every hour, every minute, and there’s nothing we can do to change the very nature of the Everfree, so don’t let yourself feel bad for this placed being fucked up beyond all recognition.”

She grabbed my hand and held it to her mouth. “I-I… I wasn’t expecting the Everfree to be this way. I knew it was dangerous, but seeing it is different. It’s so different.”

I wrapped an arm around her, but still kept an ear out for any suspicious noises. “It really it, cherry. If you want, we can go home now. I’ll visit the Naga-”

“No. No, I wanted to come and I’m not going to stop you from doing what you came here to do.” Twilight cleared her eyes one last time and stood up.

I gave her the warmest smile I could manage and kissed her cheek. “That’s my woman. Tough as nails and cuter than a button.”

Twilight chuckled and gave me a wan smile. “I don’t wanna come here again.”

I patted her back and started crossing the stream. “You don’t have to. I only plan on coming back to see the Naga from time to time and to hunt.”

Twilight flinched. “I forgot that you eat meat sometimes. Are you sure you can’t just… I don’t know, live without it?”

“I can, but I don’t really want to. If I don’t eat meat, I have to eat eggs and beans to get my protein and that just smells awful.”

Twilight giggled. “Leave it to you to justify killing things by claiming that you have bad gas.”

“Just because I don’t let it go around you doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I’ve had to open a window in the dead of winter just because the smell got so bad.” I said, shivering.

She laughed again and wiped a tear from her eye. “Fine. If you’re doing it to protect my nose, I guess I can understand.” Twilight followed close behind me.

“If you notice that my ‘special sauce’ tastes different, just tell me and I’ll eat less of it.” I chuckled.

“Special sauc- Oh. Oh.” Twilight blushed. “W-Well, it tastes… Fine, as it is”

“I’ll be sure to give you a sample in three days.” I said playfully.

Twilight just shook her head and we sallied forth. I was glad that I’d been able to help her manage the whole ‘getting something killed’ thing, but I did worry about how she would react if she ever actually had to kill something. I knew that it was still on her mind and that it would most likely stay there for the remainder of her life, but I could help soften the blow by being with her, and I hoped that the Naga could give her the same wisdom I’d given her, but perhaps in a different way so that she got the idea that the Everfree isn’t a nice fucking place. I was sure that she knew that now, but I needed her to understand that fact the same way I did.

Thankfully, we didn’t have much further to walk after the stream because we came into the Naga’s territory. We knew it was their territory because they were holding swords in our faces until they realized who I was. They didn’t know Twilight, so she still had some swords pointed at her, but once I explained that she was my soulmate, they backed off a little. Steel was still drawn, however, so I felt like we might be in a bit of trouble. The guard fellows took us into the middle of the encampment where I saw a familiar face, though I couldn’t place the name.

Twilight was touching me by the time the Naga came up to us. “Hail! If it isn’t our small friend, the Human!”

“If it isn’t my dangerous friends, the Naga! How have you fellows been while I’ve been gone?” I asked.

“Things have been well up until recently, but we will speak more of this later. You have brought a stranger into our land.” The Naga said irritably.

“This ‘stranger’ is my lover and soulmate. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she wishes to learn about your history.” I said.

The Naga raised a scaly brow. “You did not find something of your own race to settle with? Wait, forgive my rudeness. I forgot that you are a unique beast in this world.”

I shrugged. “No problem. Would you mind answering some of her questions at all? I know you guys like to trade stories, and I have a few more to tell you now.”

“Never let it be said that Buruzagi passes an opportunity to trade tales with the most unique creature the Naga have ever seen!” She laughed heartily. “I welcome you to join us in the longhouse, though my husband will most likely want to know why it has been so long since you returned.” Well, at least she told me her name.

Twilight clutched at my hand as we followed Buruzagi into the longhouse, which was every bit as smoky and hot as I remembered. I shed my jacket once we entered, but Twilight had to suffer through the heat, so I tried fanning her with my telekinesis, despite it not actually having a physical presence beyond hitting things. Soon enough, the fellow I remembered as the chief came from the dark half of the longhouse and greeted me with a bone crushing hug.

“Max! You have returned to the Gose Baso once more! We heard from the Gathering that you were present for it, but no one explained to us why you were there!” The Chieftain boomed cheerfully.

“I actually got lost in the Everfree trying to find you guys again. I was on the path when I got chased down by an Orthus and got stuck deep in the forest. I was here for a month, but I never saw any of you guys roaming about, though I might have just been too far away.”

“We were told that you had taken up residence in the old Pony castle.” The Chieftain said more quietly. “That place is off limits to Naga, otherwise we would have come for you.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Thank you for that. It’s nice to know that Max has such good friends in the forest.”

The Chieftain drew his hand back to slap her for no real reason and I grabbed his hand with my tentacle. “I beg your pardon mate, but were you about to smack my woman?”

“Naga women learn early to not speak out of turn. It is not the same with Ponies?” He asked.

“It’s not the same at all. Unless you’re giving her a friendly pat on the back, I suggest that you keep your claws off of my Twilight.” I warned.

The Chieftain tried to move his hand. “Magic is cheating in a fight.”

“Hitting my soulmate is a death sentence.” I let him go. Twilight squeezed my hand to show some appreciation.

“Noted. Be sure to let her know that Naga will not tolerate disrespect.” He said.

I glanced at Twilight. “You see those things on her head? She has ears, mate, she can hear you. Don’t insult her intelligence. In fact, how does Buruzagi have so much autonomy if you treat your women like second class citizens?”

“She is the first among the women of the tribe, and as my wife, she is above all but the eldest of warriors. Buruzagi may be more of a free spirit that most, but she still obeys me.”

Twilight looked like she wanted to say something, so I said, “That’s pretty awful, coming from my perspective. In my world, women were equals in most places, though there are some people who say otherwise. At least, in the first world places, women were equal. Once you got to the more remote places and the Middle East, women kinda got screwed.”

“Interesting. Buruzagi, we shall listen to Max’s tales.” The Chieftain stated. Buruzagi nodded and they came up to us and sat on their coiled tails.

I launched into a lecture about the difference in treatment that men and women received in different parts of the world, dropping hints along the way to tell the Naga that they need to chill the fuck out with their misogyny. Sadly, they were entrenched in their traditions, and Buruzagi felt no compulsion to treat her fellow women any differently than they always had, so my words were lost on them. Twilight even chipped in here and there after raising her hand to let me know that she wanted to say something, but that pissed me off something fierce. I wanted to beat the everloving fuck out of the Naga for making my favourite woman act like she wasn’t my equal, but I kept my rage in check since I wouldn’t be bringing her back any time soon. If I had known that they would treat Twilight like she was my fucking pet or something, I wouldn’t have come in the first place.

My fury abated once Twilight took me outside and told me that she didn’t mind that much. She likened the experience to being in school with a multitude of really strict teachers, and I disagreed heartily, stating that I would never treat her like the Naga treat their women. She still calmed me down enough so that I wasn’t looking for a reason to fuck things up, but that didn’t mean that I was happy with the Naga.

When we came back inside, I told them about the Hizketan Baia and the fact that it had actually killed me until I was brought back to life by Twilight herself and her teacher. Buruzagi praised Twilight for being by my side when I needed her most and the Chieftain said that Buruzagi could learn a thing or two from her. The female Naga was understandably put off by this news, so I mentioned a battle that she had told me about where she and her husband had fought side by side. I manipulated the Chieftain into giving her compliments before the Elder fellow that I’d met last time showed up, and he gave me a knowing look when he heard the Chieftain applauding his wife’s prowess in combat.

I wasn’t sure how he knew, but I was pretty sure that he’d put two and two together and figured out that I’d gotten the Chieftain to actually say something nice about the woman he was supposed to love. I traded a few more tales with the Naga and they eventually asked if I could speak to animals, despite dying from the potion. I told them that I could and they offered to give Twilight some of the berries so she could also talk to animals, but she declined them. Buruzagi looked like she was ready to fight when Twilight said no, so I made up some bullshit about it being an old custom for Ponies to refuse a gift once to show modesty and humbleness.

Twilight ended up getting a jar of berries for her troubles and the Naga were interested in the knife that I had given her, asking if she would be willing to trade it. After raising her hand unnecessarily, Twilight told the Naga that she couldn’t trade a gift from me and I asked if they would be interested in seeing a unique blade that I had earned through service to Equestria. They were definitely interested, so I unsheathed Nacht and passed it to the Chieftain first since he was the highest ranking person in the room, and when he inspected it, he informed me that it was actually crafted from Naga steel, though there was some form of magic on it that he couldn’t identify. They passed it around and tested its sharpness on some fish that had been caught earlier in the day, and once they passed Nacht back to me, I handed it to Twilight and asked if she could identify the enchantment on the blade. For some odd reason, she said that the blade wouldn’t allow her to cast any spells on it, stating that it drank her magic.

That made me happy.

I didn’t explain why I was smiling like an idiot, though I was asked multiple times. I just told them that Nacht must be special if Twilight’s magic wouldn’t work on it, and left it at that. Night had fallen by this time, so Twilight and I prepared to take our leave, but the Naga had something to ask of me. They requested that I send Lupa back their way should she ever return to me and I promised that I would, though I didn’t know how long she would be gone.

Once we exited the longhouse, Twilight and I were taken by a coughing fit where we both spat up black gunk. I assured Twilight that we hadn't been poisoned and the Naga gave us an escort back to the ‘Lasaia Baso’, or rather, the Whitetail Woods. Twilight was grateful that we had two strong warriors to protect us, but then I reminded her that I was enough to protect us, and that I just didn’t want to get lost on our way back home. She was still comforted by our bolstered numbers, though I blamed that on her herd animal ancestry.

The trip back to my house was pretty long, though it was nice and quiet on the danger front. We kept a good pace the entire way there, though the Naga and I slowed down because Twilight wasn’t used to moving around in the forest like we were, but it’s not like I blamed her for being slow. Hooves rarely benefit anything in a jungle, and the Naga didn’t have to worry about twisting an ankle on roots in the dark, so of course the return trip sucked a little harder than getting there. Once we were back in familiar territory, or escorts bid us farewell and I lead Twilight back through the Whitetail Woods into my yard. I took her inside for a quick word.

“Twilight, I will never treat you like the Naga treat their women.” I said vehemently.

She patted my shoulder. “I know, you said that already. It’s okay, Max, it’s not like you knew that they didn’t treat everypony as equals.”

“I should have. I think the only reason they didn’t freak out about you being there was because you were a woman.” I said bitterly.

“Then isn’t that a good thing? Stop looking at the bad things and focus on the good: Your scaly friends like you, and they’re willing to make me one of their friends because of you. I may not have gotten to ask all the questions that I would have liked to, but at least I learned a fair bit about them.”

I grabbed her hands and kissed her knuckles. “I guess you’re right. Still, it bothers me to see someone treat you as less than a person. You don’t deserve that.”

She squeezed my hands. “Nopony does, but if that’s how their society works, then so be it. Just be happy that we’re home, safe and sound.”

I gave her a kiss that tasted like smoke. “I guess I can allow you to be right this one time.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a hug. “Whatever you say, amour. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure thing, cherry. Are you coming over, or do you want me to come by the library?”

“Either one is fine by me, though I was thinking…” She trailed off with a light blush.

“You were thinking…?” I asked.

“Well, I was just thinking that it would be nice to be in the hot tub, just the two of us.” She touched the tips of her fingers together.

I raised a brow. “With the secret jets on?”

She blushed harder. “W-Well…”

“It’s a date then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I gave her a peck on the cheek, but she wanted a real goodbye kiss, so I gave her one.

Once Twilight was gone, I sat down and wrote some more of Midnight Stroll and the Robbed Ruby Ring before grabbing a snack. I wandered around my house for alittle bit and looked for things that looked like they needed to be cleaned, but nothing struck me as terribly dirty, so I went back into my living room and assumed the position on my couch and meditated.

Noir met me in my usual hangout, though she was playing one of the Dark Souls series now. I’d beaten the Hell out of the game after Gittin’ Gud, but Noir had obviously not taken after my former skill with the game. Just as I was about to tell her to roll out of the way to avoid getting wrecked, she got fucking wrecked by like, six mobs that came out of nowhere. Noir sent the controller straight through the telly like she was a strong toddler throwing one hell of a hissy fit and let loose some things that I assumed were swears in a language I was unfamiliar with.

Noir whipped around to face me and jammed a finger in my face. “I swear to your God that I will break every bone in you body if you say that.”

I grinned evilly. “You just need to calm down, love. It’s just a game.”

“It’s an unfair, nonsensical, asinine, ludicrous game!”

“Maybe you just need to-”

“Kaid Gadai, I will hurt you.” Noir threatened

I leaned in and whispered into her ear. “Git Gud, Skrub.”

Noir sent a punch into my stomach that drove the air from my lungs. I was in immense pain, but I was shaking so hard from laughing without being able to breath that I didn’t care that much. The pain from Noir’s tough love just made the fact that she was so bad even funnier to me, which made me laugh harder, making my stomach hurt more, and that made me laugh even harder. It was a terrible cycle up until I could breath again, but even then I was still working out the odd chuckle.

Noir paced around the room, punching other things until she calmed down and I chuckled some more at her rage. “How many times have you died in Dark Souls, love?” I asked weakly.

“Since I began playing, two hundred and ten.” Noir huffed. She fixed the room with a wave of her hand knelt by me. “I am sorry that I abused you, but I warned you against saying that.”

I patted her shoulder. “Oh, I deserved that, no doubt. I’ve never seen you so mad, though.”

“Two hundred and ten, Max.” She reiterated.

“Fair enough. Maybe reviewing some of my mad skills might make you better?”

“I have. You techniques make no sense to me.”

I shrugged and she offered me a hand up. “That’s what happens when you suddenly stop sucking. Things just make sense all of a sudden. Maybe you should try running past things you’re trying to take head on.”

“That would be fine if I were a coward.” Noir huffed. “I play the game as I did in life.”

“Except you don’t have a damn near bottomless pit of Dark Magic that can be cast in a few seconds rather than the handful it takes in Dark Souls. You can’t play the game like you would if you were living it because the game doesn’t have anything analogous to you.”

Noir turned to face the T.V. “...I did not think of that. I just searched through your memories and thought that Dark Souls seemed like a warrior’s game.”

“I wouldn’t say that. It’s more of a game for masochists. Speaking of warriors, how much do you know about the Naga?” I asked.

“They used to rule the area your Americans would have called Florida in my time. They spent much of their time in the Southern parts of Equestria, though when Celestia and Luna took over, they nearly annihilated them. Now there are semi-nomadic bands of Naga roaming around the country, if Luna’s information is correct.” Noir informed.

“...So Celestia and Luna basically wiped out the native population?”

“You know they have done terrible things. You may be surprised to learn that Celestia and Luna personally took out many of the Naga.”

“Yeah, let’s stop there before I start rethinking my friendship with the genocidal twats.”

“We could ‘bugger off’ this topic at any time.”

“That’s not how you use that and you know it.” I said accusingly.

“Whatever you say, mate.” Noir said, mimicking my accent.

“It’s really weird to know that you can do that so well. I’d ask you to talk like that all the time, but I think you’d get bored quickly.”

“We could try it for tonight if you like.” She offered.

“If you’re okay with it, then I’d really appreciate it. I’ve been meaning to get a trip to Bridleland put together, but you know how it is.”

“Speaking your native tongue is a comfort I do not mind affording you. I think it is amusing to hear myself speak in such a way, though I do wonder if I could try other accents from your world.”

And so we tried imitating as many accents as we could. I had decent Russian, Scottish, and Irish accents, but Noir’s ability to mimic them perfectly was magnificent all on its own. I asked her pointless questions just to hear what accent she would pull off next, though the blatantly racist ones were my favorite. She’d even managed to mock DMX in such a way that was so true to form, I died laughing, especially when she called me a bitch and told me to get her some Kool-Aid. That was racist as Hell, but we both got a chuckle out of it. Of course we acknowledged that stereotypes are wrong, but when you’re on a different planet from anyone you might offend, does it really fucking matter?

I spent a few hours with Noir in my mindscape and took her to an amusement park I had been to as a young man. I’d always wanted to go with my parents, but I’d had to settle years later with Max, though we still had a ton of fun. Noir was terrified of roller coasters, which was absolutely hilarious since she could fly. I didn’t point that out to her and just kept my thoughts to myself, or at least, as to myself as I can get with Noir.

Noir told me to go to sleep after I tried to get her to ride the biggest roller coaster in the park, so I closed my eyes and opened them back in my house. Once I had returned to my reality, I jotted down some stuff in my journals and took my happy arse to bed.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Briar Rose woke me up when she came over to tend to my garden, but she had only done so to tell me that she had crossbred a different species of marijuana with one of my plants and wanted me to help fund her little experiments. I agreed and gave her a thousand bits to get started since I trusted her, though Briar told me that she would only need five hundred to get everything done. She told me that she hid the excess money somewhere that I would find it and I told her to get the fuck out of my room before I threw something sharp at her.

I eventually dragged my arse out of bed, but I was a little late since the Sun was already up. After a shower and some skillful shaving, I went out and talked to Briar some more since I wasn’t half asleep and was considerably less pissed about being woken up, though all we talked about was the progress that my plants were making. Briar told me that she was going to use the money to expand the greenhouse over the course of the next few days and she mentioned that she was going to have a little workshop made on the premises so she could do her work with real equipment, I agreed on the condition that she not blow anything up, though my completely rational worries were tossed to the side the moment they left my mouth.

Briar left around ten after making sure everything was growing as it should be and I went to my shed to check how much raw material I had already processed. I had a little less than a quarter of the plant left, so I went back to the greenhouse and cut down the oldest plant so it could take its sister’s place on my shed’s door. With the quarter plant I had, I picked the buds off and brought them inside to process them. I still had plenty of finely chopped material stuffed in multiple boxes, so I laid the buds out on my back porch since I didn’t need them at the moment. I wondered if I should just give one to Twilight and decided to do so, which was the perfect excuse to go see her. I didn’t really need one, but it was nice to give her something I knew that she was going to like.

I left my house with a bounce to my step and swung by Fluttershy’s place for a brief visit. I apologized for not showing up early enough to help her with her animals, but she didn’t really care about why I was there. Fluttershy was pretty eager to get her hands on me, but I reminded her that we would have to tell Twilight beforehand and that it wasn’t fair for me to go around doing sex to the ladies if Twilight was keeping her legs closed. I did give Fluttershy something to remember me by with my cunning lingual acrobatics, though she wasn’t quite satisfied. She had to deal with what I gave her, however, since I wasn’t willing to give up the penis. I left Fluttershy’s with the taste of cake in my mouth and a sexually frustrated nympho in my wake, but that wasn’t going to stop me from having a good day. I made a mental note to warn Twilight that Fluttershy was on the prowl, hunting for some wild Max.

I didn’t make anymore pit stops on the way to Twilight’s, just in case someone else was going to try jump my bones, though I expected it from Twilight at some point. If it was her, it didn’t really count, so with that in mind, I let myself in and caught the purple duo during a late breakfast. Thankfully I caught them at the tail end of it so I didn’t have to wait through a terribly awkward silence. Once they finished up, I gave Twilight her present.

She unwrapped it from the bundle I’d given her. “Max… Is this your equivalent of giving me a bottle of wine?”

I blinked. “Yeah. Sure, totally.”

“You sound really confident about your answer.” Twilight said sarcastically.

“That’s because you took the words right out of my mouth. It kind of rocked me a little.” I covered smoothly.

Twilight wasn’t buying it. “Right. Did you just want to give me something or did you need an excuse to come over?”

“Yes, actually.”

She rolled her eyes before giving me a peck. “You’re sweet, but you know you can just come over, right?”

“Of course I know that, but it’s traditional to have some sort of pretense. Gifts and shows of affection are common indicators of interest in another person.” I stated.

Twilight looked at me funny. “Sometimes I forget that you’re actually smart, not just witty.”

“I’d be offended, but I do some ridiculously retarded shit from time to time, so I can understand where you’re coming from.” Something struck me suddenly. “Wait, why did I come to your house if you’re supposed to come to my house later?”

“Because you love me.” Twilight said sweetly.

Spike gagged from the other room. I’d feel worse for him, but he’s the one who stays within earshot. “That’s true. I guess I’ll just bother you until you want to come over.” I said.

She shrugged. "You never bother me, even when you’re wearing on my nerves. I do need to talk to you about something, though.” Twilight said, dropping her tone.

“Why wait until now to mention it?” I asked at the same volume.

“I needed to distract Spike with some mushy stuff so he’d quit listening. We’ll talk in the basement, okay?” She patted my arm and gave me a weak smile.

I gave her a nod. “When?”

“Spike’s leaving within the hour.” She switched tones again. “Do you want to cuddle on the couch?”

“I’d be delighted.” I gave her a cheesy grin and waited for her to lead the way.

We both grabbed books from Twilight’s ample supply and did some reading while Spike did his best to ignore us. I was rather worried about Twilight’s change in demeanor since I’d never seen her do something like that before. She went from annoyed to mad to sweet in the blink of an eye, but she wasn’t terribly serious during any of it. I tried to relax, but knowing that something was bothering Twilight irked me to no end and I had to stop myself from just asking what it was. I theorized about what it could be, but the only thing I could really think of was the Manticore in the Everfree, and I wasn’t sure if that was a big deal or not. Thankfully, Spike took his leave before I could drive myself mad, and Twilight wasted no time heading down to the basement.

She sat down at her worktable and I pulled up a stool in front of her. “So what’s on your mind, cherry?” I asked.

Twilight pressed her fingertips together. “It’s just… Yesterday, in the Everfree…”

“The Manticore?” I surmised.

She nodded. “I just feel so guilty! I thought I was doing it a favor by putting it to sleep for a little while, but I made that poor creature completely defenseless!”

“Twilight, if you hadn’t put that thing to sleep, I was going to kill it.” I stated flatly.

She looked at me. “What? What do you mean?” What else would I mean? I told you that before.

“Every Manticore I’ve ever run into wants to make a meal out of me. The Manticore was one we ran into, and it looked an awful lot like it thought we were lunch. I was going to kill it so it wouldn’t kill us.”

“...So me putting it to sleep didn’t even matter? It was going to die either way?” Twilight asked, thunderstruck.

“Pretty much. Actually, you probably did it a favor by putting it to sleep so it could pass away in peace.” I reasoned.

“That… That actually makes me feel a little better.”

I spread my hands. “I told you that it wasn’t your fault, but you didn’t listen to me. I keep telling you I say profound things all the time.”

“Actually, that kind of just makes you a bad pony since your first thought was to kill it.” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes.

“It threatened you. Nothing threatens you.” I emphasized.

“So why didn’t you just kill the Naga for nearly smacking me?” Twilight inquired.

“Because the Chieftain is a sentient creature that can speak. I’ve never known a Manticore to be a Zgon.”

“A what now? I’ve never heard of that word.”

“Zgon are intelligent animals like Lupa.”

“Oh. That’s a simple explanation.”

“It’s because it’s a simple thing. Do you need to talk about anything else, cry for a little bit, or get some ice cream?”

Twilight patted my knee. “I think I’ll be fine. I’m not exactly sure who to talk to about my murderous special somepony, but other than that, I’m okay.”

“I’m not murderous. I’m more like huggably sadistic or something.”

She gave me a look. “That would make you a bad pony.”

“Loveable with murderous tendencies is the best you’re going to get out of me.” I huffed.

“I’ll take what I can get, I guess.” Twilight stood and grabbed my hand, leading us upstairs.

We did precious little with our time together, but there’s no other way I would have rather spent it. Tea and reading was the order of the day and it was an activity we both enjoyed indulging in, though I preferred to be writing the books when I had the inspiration. Still, I had a pleasant time and Twilight totally farted once, which I teased her about for a good five minutes.

The Sun was setting by the time Spike got back, but instead of coming to my place, he opted to stay at home and sleep. I took him aside and asked what was wrong, but just wasn’t willing to talk about it at the moment, so I left him in peace. Twilight had seemed pretty oblivious to Spike soured mood, so I didn’t mention it until we were in my house so she wouldn’t be tempted to go and bug him about it. She was understandably upset that I’d waited to tell her that her little brother was in distress, but she understood my explanation.

Before I could offer her a drink, she turned me into Roxy again and the night was rather nice. While we were in the hot tub, I asked her if she wanted to go to Bridleland with me sometime soon and she agreed, though she wanted to bring the girls along to enjoy the experience with us. I’d intended it to be a sort of romantic getaway for us to grow closer or some shit, but I swallowed my plans and told Twilight that it was fine to invite the girls. I wondered how much it would cost me to schlep all of the girls to Bridleland and when I mentioned it to Twilight, she said that it would take about three hundred bits per person, so that equaled out to twenty-one hundred bits over all, if we didn’t take anyone besides the girls. We both mentioned Spike at the same time since neither of us were about to forget the little guy and I set the plan in stone. Twilight was surprised to find that I was serious about getting out of Equestria for a little while and was even more so when I told her that I wanted to leave next month. She told me that there would be no real way to set everything up within that time and I told her that, if she helped me get things sorted, it would most likely be easier.

After a quick round of lesbian action, Twilight and I went into my study and started drawing up plans. We would leave some time after the Dragon Migration because Twilight and the girls rather wanted to see it. I was tempted to ask about how Spike felt concerning the fact that he was going to be watching his kinsmen travelling without him, but if Twilight hadn’t said anything, then I was sure that it was for a good reason.

We sent notes out to the girls, asking them to come over tomorrow so we could hash out some more of the plans. I didn’t really have anything in particular that I wanted to see, but the girls might have, and I knew that Twilight was psyched to go see Stonehenge. I’d been on a class field trip to see it when I was younger, but the Ponyland equivalent was probably magical as fuck or something, so I assumed that was why Twilight wanted to see it. She also mentioned something about a ‘Big Bong’, but she assured me that I couldn't smoke out of it, stating that it was just a cool clock. I was thoroughly disappointed, but my tears never fell. Never let them see you cry.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nothing interesting happened until the girls came over to talk about our trip to Bridleland sometime in the middle of the afternoon. Pinkie expressed a great amount of interest, and Rarity seemed absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to see Bridleland in person. Applejack and Fluttershy expressed some concerns about how long we would be gone, and Rainbow seemed like she didn’t give a single fuck about anything anyone had to say, so once we agreed on when we would leave and how long we would stay, I had a word with Rainbow in my parlour.

I closed the door behind us, cutting off the stares from the girls. “Alright, Dash. What’s eating you?”

Rainbow gave me a funny look. “What makes you think something’s up?”

“General apathy, lack of interest. We’re talking about leaving the country and you barely care whether or not we stay or go.”

She shrugged. “Travelling just isn’t my thing. I’ll do it, but I’d rather just go somewhere I can keep practicing stunts and flying in general.”

“Do you care about anything other than flying, or do you just like to go fast?”

“Why not both? I care about a lot of stuff, dude, I just don’t make it obvious.” Rainbow explained.

“The whole ‘cool and aloof’ thing never struck me as one of your usual gags. Seriously, is something wrong?”

Rainbow glared at me. “Like you really care. We might be friends, but it’s not like we’re close.”

I spread my hands. “This is me trying to get closer.”

“Dude, if you want to have some sort of relationship or something, occasionally taking me aside to talk about stuff doesn’t really count. I mean, don’t you not like Pinkie or something? You hang out with her more often than with me, and you can’t even stand her, so what am I supposed to think?”

“Rainbow, how the fuck am I supposed to find you?” I asked.

“What? Dude, just look up-”

“All over fucking Ponyville? You don’t practice in the same place everyday, you ignore people on the ground, and you spend most of your time in the sky. If you wanted to be closer friends, there are things you could have done too.” I pointed out.

“...Okay, so I’m not the easiest pony to get ahold of, but you have Dragon Fire! Just send me a note or something!”

I gave her a look. “I gave up after you straight up ignored three in a row.”

Rainbow blushed. “I was busy.”

“And yet you couldn’t take the time to explain that to me. I thought you just didn’t like me or that we just didn’t have that kind of relationship.”

“Okay, so maybe I haven’t been the best friend to you either…” Rainbow admitted.

“And that’s perfectly fine. We can fix that.” I said. “It’s not like we have to love each other or whatever, but it would help if we were friendlier. What do you say to grabbing a smoothie tomorrow? My treat.”

Rainbow gave me a half smile. “What, you don’t think a mare can pay for her own smoothie?”

“I don’t think you have pockets to keep bits on you.” I scanned her bike shorts and T-Shirt.

She reached into her hair and pulled out a handful of bits. “Never doubt a mare’s mane, Max.”

“...That’s fucking weird. I thought Pinkie was the only one who did that.”

“How many mares do you see carrying around purses?” Rainbow asked.

“Point taken. Getting back on topic; there’s nothing bothering you?”

“Besides the fact that we’re barely friends, not really.” She answered.

I nodded. “At least it’s something mendable. We’re gonna smoothie so hard, you’ll turn purple!”

Rainbow gave me an odd look. “What?”

“Well, brainfreeze would turn you blue, but you’re already blue, so it’ll turn you a shade darker.”

“Shut up, Max.”

“I’m the greatest, I’m not allowed to shut up.” I open the door to the parlour and caught our eaves droppers. “Can we help you girls?”

Pinkie dropped a bit on the ground. “We were just looking for my bits! I dropped them everywhere!”

The rest of the girls had the good grace to look embarrassed, so I just rolled my eyes and shooed them away from the door. Rainbow didn’t have anything else to say, so we all agreed to meet up again in a few days for the slumber party. After an hour of snacking and talking, six of my friends went home and zero of them stayed behind, so I started doing some writing and enjoyed some alone time before heading into my mind to chat with Noir for a little bit.

I entered the mindscape to find that it was a fucking warzone. Arrows dotted the sky, whizzed through the air and found their marks from time to time. Soldiers without any tell tale marks marched at me from across an open field and behind me, more soldiers formed ranks, though they actually had an emblem of a broken horn on their shields. I figured that it was Noir’s side of the fight, so instead of staying on the killing floor, I closed my eyes and focused on finding Noir.

She was actually in the middle of her soldiers, scanning equipment and marching through the ranks, adjusting stances and posture as she went along. I followed her for a few rows until all Hell broke loose. The soldiers jogged forward in rank and I could hear the clash of steel towards the front of the mass of people, so I caught up to Noir and she gave me a wild smile.

“Maximus! You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now!” She blurted before giving me a bone crushing hug.

“I get it,” I wheezed, “put me down.”

She did as I asked. “Sorry. It has been so long since I have taken part in a proper battle. Will you join me in reliving days of glory?” She bellowed.

“I would, but the whole wanton murder and destruction thing just isn’t my bag. I’m more of a hunter than a warrior, love.” I shouted over the clamor.

“Then hunt to your heart’s content on the field of battle! There is nothing like the feeling of a good war!”

“There’s no such thing, Noir. War is the greatest evil known to my race.”

She gave me an odd look and the scene froze. “I knew you felt mild distaste for killing, but I did not bother investigating into how you felt about war. You kill without hesitation, but you will not partake in a mock battle?”

“Being a warmonger just doesn’t sit well with me. You know that’s a big part of the reason why I killed Adolf.”

“I am not omniscient. There are still things I do not know about you.” Noir explained.

“Of course. We can exist in two different places, right?” I asked.

“Well, yes. I can halt my activities so we can spend some time together.” Noir offered, clutching her hands together.

She knew that I noticed, so she put her hands behind her back. “...Let me try the whole battle thing. It never hurts to have a little experience.”

“You do not have to force yourself to enjoy my activities, Max. Our relationship allows us to be completely honest with each other.”

“Like I said, it never hurts to have experience. Just watch my back and I’ll try to cover yours.” I patted her shoulder and conjured up my weapons.

She magicked them away. “I will not allow you to force yourself to partake in my war. It is okay that we have different definitions of fun.” It’s not like I don’t do things I don’t want to all the time

“Well, we can either fight this war or we can have you antsy, waiting for me to leave so you can get back to the real fun. Who knows, I might enjoy stabbing things I can’t actually hurt.” I shrugged.

“I do not mind waiting. I have waited a long time for this, and a few more hours will not make much of a difference.” Noir put her hand on my shoulder. “You cater to the needs of others when it is required. Allow someone to do the same for you.”

“You already cater to my needs, so it’s only fair if I do the same for you. This is a give and take thing, Noir, and I won’t sit by and let you give and give while all I do is take.” I said adamantly.

She gave me a longsuffering look and sighed. “Perhaps you will enjoy the thrill of battle.”

Noir snapped her fingers and everything started over. She went back through the ranks of her soldiers and did her inspections until the battle began anew, but this time, she lead me through the front ranks and into the worst of the fray. Noir used a powerful shout to push back the opposition and give us some space to work, but that meant that we waded into a pit of enemy soldiers. Noir gave me a smile wilder than the one she’d given me before and I worried about the safety of the soldier constructs until I got hit with a shield. From there, shit got real rather quickly.

Since I was more of a rogue, I needed space to work, so I spent my time weaving in between soldiers, stabbing legs and armpits where their armor didn’t cover. I’d heard through my reading into old wars that three inches of the tip of your blade was every bit as good a foot of the edge, so I used that adage as the basis of my assault, disabling more soldiers than I outright killed. I took the odd hit from a lucky swing, but other than that, I was simply too quick on my feet to hit. I whirled like a dervish and sent Nacht into a soldier’s throat , marking the beginning of my lethal streak, though Noir had been close behind me, finishing off my wounded opponents and taking on as many as she could.

Noir was having the time of her fucking life, so I doubled back and filled the role she had been filling for me. With Noir in the lead, no one stood a fucking chance. Heavy overhead swings were often met with a flick of her sword, and her riposte was absolutely savage, though she occasionally left me to take care of them in the few seconds they were stunned so she could move onto a more worthy opponent. Sadly, they were all basically clones, but the longer the battle went on, the harder things got.

Noir and I got separated by a phalanx of soldiers that cut off my route to her, but I was surrounded, so there was precious little I could do. I did my best to kill off the soldiers that poked and prodded at me, but they’d formed a shield wall, so I was boned up until I remembered that I could totally cheat. I slowed down to a walking pace and used my psychic tentacles to clear seven head from seven sets of shoulders, giving me the space I’d needed to fight like I wanted to. I formed the Warbling Blade into its stiletto form and pumped the blade full of magic, drawing thick blue lines in the air, but instead of touching them like I was just curious as to what would happen, I stabbed the blue lines with the Warbling Blade and pushed back a wall of attackers. A few died on the swords of their comrades, but it just wasn’t enough, so I changed the blade into its kukri form and it worked out much better for me.

With a stabbing weapon and a hacking weapon in either hand, I mowed through my opponents rather slowly since they weren’t terribly keen on fighting me anymore. Dark Magic was rather overpowered, so I stopped using it entirely and lost myself in the challenge of staying alive. Six soldiers attacked me at once and I danced around them, literally. I was doing the Running Man past one of them when one of their comrades hit the fellow with a spear that was aimed for me and I chuckled at that, finding the AI to be a bit too simple. Then, out of nowhere, I was given a wide berth and some mother fucker with a Great Axe the size of my fucking torso showed up and I smiled. I’m sure I looked like Noir at this point, but she had been right: Senseless murder and violence was actually rather fun, and it was even better since no one was actually getting hurt, so I squared up against my new opponent and waited for him to make a move.

He bore his axe and went in for a swing that was faster than I’d expected, causing a good laceration on my upper right arm. It smarted rather fiercely, so I stopped giving a single fuck and rushed the Axe Bastard. I cleared the range of his axe with no problem, though when I got close, he hit me with the shaft and pushed me back a little bit. I’d slowed down a lot, but I forced myself to catch a second wind and started running toward him, dodging his blows as they came until I was within range again, but this time, there wasn’t any hesitation on my part to jaw Nacht deep into a chink in his armor. I didn’t stop there, however, and continued treat Axe Bastard like a tricky pincushion, finding new places to stick my dagger wherever an opening showed up. The fellow was pouring blood from multiple places by the time I finished my assault, but we weren’t done yet. I’d triggered something terrifying with blows that should have all been lethal in their own right. Axe Bastard charged hard and swung his axe like it was one of my own knives, forcing me to make risky dodge after dodge, trying to get closer to him. Sadly, I couldn’t work my way back into his range, so I did what seemed natural: I ran.

I bolted to the edge of our ring, but the enemy had formed a shield wall and had spears poking out from just about every side. Unwilling to get killed inside my own mind, I rushed one of the fellows with a shield and catapulted myself over it by jumping onto then off of his shield. I flew through the air and landed on some poor sap that I dispatched quickly enough, but I didn’t linger very long. I could hear bellows of rage from behind me, so I got a fucking move on and wove through the ranks of the soldiers, dodging more sword swings and the occasional spear thrust. I took a bad blow to my leg for my efforts, but luckily, I had ran straight into Noir’s own little fighting circle. She was battling a fellow with a claymore larger than her own, but she was winning handily. The fellow she was fighting was missing an arm and had little armor left on his body, but within seconds of my arrival, he was taken down with one final decapitating swing. Noir roared and I heard another roar behind me, so I hobbled into the middle of Noir’s ring and she rushed over to check me out. We didn’t have much time, however, since the goddamn tank I had been fighting plowed through his own men and broke into the circle. There was a path of blood behind him, and Noir scoffed at the new arrival. Axe Bastard hefted his axe and charged us, but Noir didn’t move an inch, waiting for him to get nice and close before she sidestepped his blow, cutting off one of his hands and beheaded him in one fell swoop.

The circle started closing in and Noir came back to me, placing a hand on my leg. When she removed it, I was able to walk again, but I was drained from the high energy style of fighting that I’d had to maintain. Noir helped me to my feet and conjured a familiar shortsword, passing it off to me before preparing to face the soldier closing in on us. I sheathed the Warbling Blade and held Luna’s blade in my main hand since it was heavier than Nacht, though I was severely lacking in the energy department. Suddenly, Noir whirled around and smacked the religious deity out of my spine, galvanizing me like I’d just done a rail of something pure and white, and with that, I was ready to continue. Noir and I held our positions until the fuckers came close enough to start using spears, and from there, Noir and I started hacking off spear heads as best we could. I got through quite a few before the swordsmen showed up to the party, and with a real sword in hand, I faced them readily. My first opponent met his end in one blow, his head joining many others on the ground, and after that, I started getting a real feel for Luna’s gladius. Thankfully, it was sharp enough to do damage and the extra reach it afforded me was just what I had needed, though that didn’t stop Noir and I from getting separated again.

I fought on without my buddy, though I was still doing rather well against our enemy. Up until our own soldiers arrived to the party, Noir and I had been hacking our way back to each other, but once our reinforcements arrived, things became much easier. Noir and I fought on the frontlines, falling back from our original positions to the relative safety we had in our now superior numbers. I had no idea how many people Noir and I had slain, but I was willing to be that we had reached the hundreds in the hours we had spent in battle. There was no way to tell how much time had actually passed, so I was just fighting for the fun of it at this point, but soon after our soldiers had caught up to us, our enemy laid down their weapons and surrendered. Noir found me shortly and took me off of the battlefield to one of the medic tents. We were both covered from head to toe in wounds that either needed stitches or to be wrapped up, and even though Noir could patch us both up with magic and have an ocean left to spare, we sat through the process of being poked, prodded, patched and sewn until we our adrenaline failed us.

Once we were done with the medics, I asked, “So why did we have to get patched up the normal way instead of using magic?”

Noir sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, shifting the scene to my old house. We went out to the porch and conjured up a couple copies of my easy chair since it was the best. “Fighting only has meaning if there are consequences. The thrill of battle was beautiful in its own right, but for us to fully understand the warrior’s plight, we must subject ourselves to everything the warrior feels, and that includes being ‘patched up’.”

“Easy for you to say. You had three less cuts that needed to be sewn up!” I bitched.

“As you might say, ‘quit your bitching and get good.’.” Noir chuckled.

“Fuck you.” I sighed.

“You’re a step closer to that already. Fighting by your side was wonderful.” Noir sank into her chair and closed her eyes.

“Seeing you in action was pretty great, though I’m a little upset that you handled the guy with the claymore and I got the berserker with the axe.”

“Generals Broadhead and Cleaver. Both of them were formidable, but Broadhead always was a troublesome opponent for those with light weaponry. You made the right decision in bringing him to me.”

“I didn’t mean to. I was hoping that he would die from his wounds while chasing me.” I admitted.

“He would have in thirty or so more seconds. The last swing of his axe was painfully slow.”

“Good to know, though it’s not like I could have gotten much further. Without you, I would have died then and there.”

Noir reached over and grabbed my hand. “Would you care to know how many men you slayed? I am sure that you would feel better knowing.”

I shrugged and squeezed her hand lightly. “Sure, let’s see what my KDR is.”

“You took down one hundred and twenty men, though that is not counting the ones you wounded. If they were not directly killed by you, then it did not count, but if it did, you would have gotten nearly two hundred.” Noir smiled at me.

I raised my brows. “...Wow. How many did you get?”

“A few more than yourself. Nothing to brag over.” She said aloofly.

“So, like, five hundred?”

“Four hundred and fifty-eight, but who is counting?” She chuckled.

I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand. “You, apparently. You were correct, by the way. War is fun.”

“As long as no one besides us gets hurt, I agree. I was thinking about your words and feelings during the battle, and I find that I am beginning to agree with you. War is worse than Hell.”

“Hell only takes the deserving.” I added.

We sat in silence for a little while after that since we were both fucking exhausted. We could have fixed ourselves with a thought, but the ache of our wounds and in our muscles was sweet in its own way, like a weird reward for a job well done. Staying still made the pain almost pleasant in a way, but moving sucked, so we conjured up drinks and snacks, watching the sun rise over Ponyville as I often did when I had the chance. I even took the opportunity to rip Sinbad a time or two, though Noir declined when I offered. Eventually, we traded our easy chairs for recliners and I changed the weather so that it was a little nippy. Noir wasn’t terribly fond of the weather, so she fused our recliners together and we cuddled for the first time, which I found to be a little on the odd side since we had both just committed small scale genocide. Still, Noir was nice and warm, the recliner was pleasantly soft, and Sinbad was just as beautiful as I remembered.

We spent the better part of six hours doing nothing, just watching the Sun rise and set as we pleased, telling the occasional joke and having the occasional toke. Noir was interested in Mary Jane, but she just refused to hit Sinbad, so I conjured up a perfect cone and let her try that. She wasn’t terribly fond of it, so she went for some wine until I reminded her that she wasn’t supposed to drink after losing so much blood. She switched from wine to wine coolers, and things were perfectly fine from there.

I left when Noir mentioned that she could use some rest, though when I returned, I had a massive headache from the different states of my body. The wounds from my mindscape had etched their way into my nerves and ached for an hour until they faded away, and during that time, I just laid on my couch and dozed off and on. Before bed, I caught up my journals and now I’m patting myself on the back for being so attentive to my writings. Right now, I’m looking forward to the Bridleland trip and another battle with Noir by my side. I wonder how Twilight will take the news that I participated in a fake war and killed a shitton of fake people. Maybe I just won’t tell her.

Oh shit, I forgot that she still wanted to read my journals. Oh well, it’s not like I can’t explain or whatever. If you’re reading this, Twilight, I just want you to know that you’re on my mind.