In life, there are things that are important and there are things that people more or less forget about, despite those things being important to them. Am I a forgetful man? Not always, but I can be. Have I forgotten to do more of my journal in the past couple of weeks than I normally would have? Ah… Not quite. It’s more or less that little enough has happened and it’s kind of pointless to sit there and write the same routine that popped up for the better part of two weeks. The only important thing that actually happened was that I had a chat with Spike, spent some time with the Apple Family, kept up with my relationship duties with Twilight, and may or may not have enjoyed the fuck out of the last day of her monthly cycle, mostly because she said it would be ‘over soon’ and convinced me to have some fun. I don’t regret it and I know that Twilight wasn’t all that into it herself. Seeing as how she just took care of me for hours and kept turning down any offers for reciprocation, it was hard not to appreciate her gratitude, even if not sleeping with other women was a weird thing to be thanked for. I mean… Let’s not get into that, it’s still kind of weird, even after living here for just shy of a year.

In any case, the talk with Spike was one I saw coming from miles away, and it was kind of my fault because I more or less left him to sort it out on his own after giving my opinion. Spike was having trouble with his relationships with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, though more specifically his relationship with Sweetie Belle. The little cunt was starting shite almost constantly and Spike just wasn’t realizing that she was the main problem in the little triangle he had with her and AB. Belle was asking for more and more of Spike’s time and wanted it alone with him (I don’t care to guess why), but Spike himself preferred to spread his time evenly like I myself had. However, Apple Bloom herself didn’t want to be left out and had come to talk to me about the situation after Spike and I had our talk, but I still want to cover what I advised Spike to do.

My usual method of being a bit sneaky wasn’t going to do me any favours with the sister of one of my ‘friends’. Spike was about as bright as the average Pony anyway, so he wouldn’t pick up on much of the subtext, so I more or less laid out the information that he’d given me in bits and pieces, essentially having to tell him that the source of his drama was coming from Sweetie Belle trying to dominate his schedule, even going so far as to interrupt him while he was doing chores to get more time with him. I knew that Twilight was starting to get suspicious of Sweetie Belle anyway, so I broke down my solution to Spike; Give her an ultimatum. If she backs off and lets him live his damn life? Keep her. If she doesn’t? Tell her to fuck off. Spike, however, isn’t as cold or as quick to get irritated as I am, thus why he still talks to Rarity regularly. Rares herself is hesitant to say much to me, and she knows damn well that it’s likely I’d spit in her face if she tries.

Speaking of people who know what they can and can’t say to me, Apple Bloom was well aware how I felt about her letting Sweetie have Spike. I loved the fuck out of her for me not having to be a dick about it in order to get my point across. If there’s one thing I can appreciate about a young person, it’s the ability to read between the lines, and while AB wasn’t fond of my opinion about Belle, she knew where I was coming from and why I had it. Talking with Bloom was… Nice, as it usually was. She had her moments where she was a dumb kid and all, but the underlying wisdom of a mind unafraid to learn from someone’s advice? Shite, the gal was probably the smartest person at her maturity level that I’d ever known. Especially since she was more dyslexic than Percy Jackson and could still read faster than anyone other than myself, Spike, or Twilight.

Soon after I had my chat with Apple Bloom, AJ herself came around my place and we sat down for a bit, talking about her sister, Spike, and Mac’s opinion on the pair. It had been a day or two since Bloom had stopped by to hear what I had to say, and it got back around to AJ like I knew it would. However, Applejack thanked me rather than being mad since she and I were of the same mind about Sweetie Belle. The girl was a man-eating whore in the making, and it was mostly her fucking sister’s fault. AJ and I talked for a long time about what I’d said to AB and she couldn’t find fault with my words. That was sadly due to the fact that she’d said everything I’d said, but ten times nicer with a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

Applejack mentioned that Macintosh was none too happy about the blossoming romance between Spike and Bloom, but honestly? I’d run interference on that bastard until the fucking sun died; There was no way in hell that someone I considered a friend was going to end a relationship that made my little bruv happy, and Macintosh would’ve caught an earful from me myself if AJ didn’t mention that Granny was getting sick of his shit. With that knowledge, I felt bad for the big red fuck, since Granny’s ire?

Not worth earning.

In any case, Applejack and I sat around and talked about Rarity too, and at this point…? Seeing how Rarity treated me prior to me swearing her soul out of-

Oh shit, forgot that I cussed Rarity out to the point she cried in public. Shows how many fucks I give about her, I guess. Anyway, so there’s this ‘technique’ a mare will use, right? Well, Spring Heat’s coming around and plenty of whorses are fucking toting around these bouquets. The catch? There’s always a flower coated in their pheromones in that bitch, and if a stallion gets a whiff of it? Especially while in a town as densely populated with women as Ponyville? It’s date rape. In other words, AJ and Granny had warned me during a chat that it was coming back into fashion, and lo’ and be-fucking-hold, Rarity walked up to me while I was grocery shopping with a fucking… Booty Bouquet. The bitch literally knows my girlfriend doesn’t mind lending me out like a fucking community dildo and still tried to pull some shit that’s barely legal. Just to fucking sleep with me.

When she’d done it, I’d almost thought nothing of it until I remembered Granny’s words, and the fury… Oh, I fuckin’ let her have it. Rarity has permanently marked herself on my shitlist, and when Celestia got the note about her little ‘mind-control’ not working right, she said she’d lifted it because ‘It’s morally wrong.’. Morally. Wrong. It’s morally wrong to prevent a known rapist from raping people? Celestia herself got a choicely worded letter that made her teleport to my house, and yes, I screamed in her face because I wasn’t done being mad. She eventually got me to calm down by saying that she was going to pass a law against the use of Phero-Flowers, but it didn’t undo a fuckin’ lick of damage.

However, like I was saying before I remembered that I hate Rarity, Applejack took the time to mention that, even though I hadn’t said a word about it to anyone, it had travelled through the grapevine like wildfire. The news that I’d worn Rarity’s ears out like my old boots hit the Apple Family through AB, and Applejack ended up having a chat with Rarity about trying to sneak one of her own friends. That chat had little to do with what she said and a lot to do with the strength of an Earth Pony. I was proud and grateful that Applejack went to Rarity’s home and laid her the fuck out. Namely, because I wasn’t going to do it. Even if I don’t do missions or anything these days, I was still an Operative and punching people below my ‘weight class’ makes me feel like a bully. Meanwhile, AJ’s a civilian and also a woman, so it’s not like society thought it was immoral for her to punch Rape-ity.

Honestly, the only people really talking to Rares at the moment are Rainbow and Fluttershy. Even Twilight was worried about Rarity and her… Methods. Anyway, Applejack and I shared a few drinks over the good news and while I had a good time… It always sucks a little to see Applejack. Partially because I don’t drink alcohol anymore. Mostly because of the missed moments when we’re alone. It’s… Well, it’s kind of like being in the same room with Luna, except it’s easier to deal with a crush than it is to deal with someone you know damn well that you love. Still though, it’s great to be able to spend time with AJ and have the mood not be awkward or loaded.

About another day or two after AJ and I had our talk, I sat down with Dash for a smoothie, grabbed a malt to go after we had Mr. and Mrs. Cake laughing their arses off, and continued our comedy elsewhere. It had started pretty tame with us making observations about the shop and cracking jokes and puns about the place in general. However, Rainbow made an off comment about the ‘frosting’ when we were ordering malts to keep the good time rolling and I made those malts to-go. I caught Mr. Cake’s eye when we went to leave, apologizing silently with mouthed words and gestures. Dash had been out of line saying that Mr. Cake ‘frosted’ the building with the help of the town’s mares, especially since he and Cup Cake were pretty much the only truly monogamous couple I associated with. The thing about monogamy in Equestria was that it was highly respected and making fun of someone who is monogamous was frowned upon heavily. Dash was a dumbarse and everyone in town knew that, but she’d still fucked up and I made sure she knew it.

Dash blew it off since she was in her little casual bullying mode, so I took her to Ponyville Park since we were still hanging out and tried to talk to her. Dash is a bitch on her best day, so she more or less ignored me and tried to start riding my arse, but I opened my mouth and sprinkled truth into what I was saying since she wanted to take shots at me, my hands, and my doings. She shut up when I really got rolling, but honestly, I never really felt a need to tear Rainbow down. Her ego was already so fragile that it wasn’t worth putting the minimal effort forth to make her realize that she didn’t know shit about anything outside of her little microcosm of an already neutered society. With that in mind, I didn’t exactly rip her a new one, but I still made her think twice about trying to j’ab’ at me. If Rainbow could actually jab and jibe instead of taking legitimate shots at someone, I wouldn’t mind half as much.

Since I knew her mindset for the time being, I directed it toward other people and kept my jokes tame as fuck because I wasn’t trying to be an edgy, offensive prick. That’s not to say that it’s my default, but Christ. Rainbow made me want to deck her with some of the shite she was laughing at people about since it was damn near all bully bullshit. There was a point where she was too fuckin’ loud and called a blue lady with pie-crust brown hair a ‘moose-caboose’, which… I mean, the woman did have enough junk in her trunk to start a flea market by herself, but still. She turned, looked at Rainbow, and that cunt fucked off, leaving me on a park bench with a pissed off, middle-aged mare heading my way.

I got up and started playing peacemaker then and there. Luck or a reasonable mind were the only things I could think of pertaining to the mare not slapping me as I started speaking. Seeing as how Ponyville mares often lacked logic or any real level of self-restraint at some points, I already liked the lady plenty and was quick to mention that I’d be jumping down Dash’s throat for not dealing with the consequences of what she said. As it turned out, Blueberry Tart was a helluva gal and was pretty cool once I explained everything. She’d been going over to a friend’s house anyway, so she had time to spare and chilled with me on my claimed bench for a few minutes.

Through our conversation, I learned that we had a few mutual friends by way of Mary, Onyx, and Spike, oddly enough. Apparently she was an old friend of Mary’s, Onyx’s paramour, and the woman Spike had mentioned to me in passing a thousand and one times. He had a weird affection for the woman that he couldn't explain, but it was clear to us guys that he didn’t have a crush on her. However, it was only clear to me that he kind of saw her as a motherly figure. That little discovery was something I only got from discussing Spike with her and hearing how she doted on him and worried about my little bruv.

With that in mind, I’d heard her mention Spike and was halfway ready to learn where she lived and kill her myself until I got an understanding for their fondness of each other. She was a Mom without a kid of her own, and a lot of people saw Spike as the son they didn’t have whenever he had an errand in town and wasn’t in a hurry. Knowing that Blueberry was a legitimate friend of Spike’s and that she wasn’t going to try and snatch him earned her a lot of brownie points then and there. On top of her liking Spike, she was also with Onyx and his annoying, dour arse, so I knew she had to have more patience than either guy would ever be able to appreciate. The more we talked, the easier it was to see that Blueberry was a rare one; Strong-willed and temperamental, but reasonable and patient. Goal-oriented and driven, but laid-back and actually funny. Having her ‘Mum’ over my hair and posture was great, honestly. I spent more time laughing with her than I had with Rainbow, even if she was being serious and trying to chide me for some reason or other.

It’s hard to say that there was a point when I wanted her to stop talking or change the subject in general, despite the fact that we talked about a lot of shite I’d normally be reserved with or otherwise bite my tongue on. Blueberry was more than approachable and I felt like whatever I said to her more or less rolled off her back. I even tried shocking her with a few things and it was like she knew what I was fucking doing, so I dropped the act and got a little more genuine. There honestly aren’t that many people I connect with so easily without something in my system, so I was pretty quick to invite Blueberry into my life. She agreed to stop by for tea and chat some more when she had the time, it was just that she’d blown an hour and a half with me and she’d only been thirty minutes early with her walk. Still, I was actually kind of grateful after she left. If Rainbow hadn’t turned on the stupid, then I likely wouldn’t have met Blue and made a new friend. Seriously, I didn’t even think Blueberry Tart was attractive or anything! It was platonic-

Fuck, I’m a goddamn whore… At least I don’t sleep around like I used to, I guess… Silver linings and all that.

In any case, I was on my way home from that clusterfuck-turned-friendship when I realized that I was looking forward to Blue coming over. That, and I thought she was a beautiful woman, but inside I knew she would never be on the menu… I really wanna get off this topic because it’s starting to make me depressed and I don’t need that shite.

Having caught up to recent events, I started my day with my usual routine and didn’t miss a fucking beat. Shave, shower, and a slug of coffee darker than whatever lies in Noir’s past. I’d taken to waking up early, even if I wasn’t having half as many nightmares or bad dreams in general. Five in the morning was just my wake-up time and I rarely missed the mark by more than a handful of minutes. It was odd since I actually kind of had a decent sleep schedule for the first time since… Shite… I really can’t remember the last period of time when I went to bed and woke up consistently. I showed up late to school half the time if I went and staying up past the pubs was common, even before Babs was dead.

In any case, I got outside with a mug of mud and a newly rolled doobie, courtesy of the rolling papers Fancy Pants had sent me as a gift. I’d been surprised to see them, but apparently cigarettes-sans-tobacco were growing popular across Equestria since you could roll all the herbs you wanted to smoke into a tube and take a case of them with you wherever you went. I didn’t smoke enough non-weed herbs to even know about the fad, but it still felt nice to be able to pothead for a bit and go old-school. To make it even better, I hadn’t lost the skill and the sunrise was absolutely beautiful. It made me think of Celestia since it had been damn near a week since I’d said a word to her, especially since I’d yet to hear about that law getting passed. However, I was knee-deep in a moment of weakness and sent her a note, asking how she was doing.

It didn’t take her long to respond, but we didn’t message back and forth for long since my niceness waned with each letter. However, I kept things civil and she gathered that I was more interested in the law than how she was doing, so she carefully ended the conversation and bid me a good day. I told her to have an interesting one because she was pissing me off by dragging her damn hooves on something that shouldn’t have been legal in the first place. To explain, I told her to have an interesting day because you can’t tell me that getting shot, stabbed, or cussed out aren’t interesting events. Of course, I wasn’t directlty saying that, but it’s what I fuckin’ meant.

Instead of being pissed off at a terrible person for proving that she was still a piece of shite under the surface, I messaged Twilight and wished her a good day. We’d spent pretty much every spare moment at each other’s places in recent memory, so I wasn’t in any hurry to get more time in with her and potentially oversaturate her mind with my sheer greatness. Or annoy her with the stories I kept letting slip out when we started talking too long. To me it feels like I’m just eager for Twilight to know more of my past, but apparently smiling while talking about fighting, stealing, conning people, and/or debauchery in general was a no-go.

With a plan for the day rapidly being formed, I finished up outside, had another cup of coffee because it was delicious and more or less decided to bother Fluttershy. It had been a bit since I’d gone over, mostly because the last two times I’d been at her cabin, she’d tried to either weasel me into her bed or guilt trip me into fucking her and I wasn’t down for that. Not in the slightest. Honestly, Fluttershy makes me feel like a cock attached to a silicon torso. Between the contents of our relationship and how she saw me now, I was thinking of striking her from my small list of friends too, if anything then just to get the point across. The novelty of being ‘attractive’ had long since worn off from my early days in Equestria, and I was used to getting hit on around town. I was used to mares making passes if they found themselves next to me for more than a few seconds. It’s just life at this point…

… It really hurts to think that someone I can say I love just wants me for the meat I piss with. Am I not more than that?

In any case, it was about time I got an answer to a burning question, and I wanted it from the buttery bitch who couldn’t go five minutes without checking to see if I was paying attention to her. The walk over there had me passing a mother goose and her goslings, but I didn’t have any bread or other crap to give them. I felt bad and apologized for not having a meal to pass along, but the mother goose told me that they had just eaten at Fluttershy’s so my conscience was clear. With that conversation over, I told her to have a good, boring day and she honked at me. I still don’t know what that was supposed to mean. Animals just make sounds sometimes. As such, I just left and continued heading towards Fluttershy’s. The untitled goose apparently had some sort of game it wanted to play with its goslings, so I warned her against tormenting people. She accepted my words for what they were and asked me if I was trying to start something. I almost ducked a fuck up but chose to walk away because Fluttershy would kill me for hurting animals she’d fed.

I’d arrived a little late to help with any of the nocturnal animals and their pre-nap snacks, but the daylight devils that swarmed Fluttershy’s place were numerous and were usually plenty glad to get fed by me or whoever else stopped by to tag in for Flutters. Food is food, I guess, though it’s not like I can say much. Feed me and I’ll probably like you more myself, so with that in mind, I passed out the appropriate food to the species that ate the crap and Fluttershy, much to her credit, didn’t even say much more than ‘Hello’ and ‘Thanks for helping’ before getting back to the task on hand. I had to admit, it was a marked improvement over her hugging me from behind and feeling me up, so I was already giving her some points. Now, I don’t mean to be a dick, but I did truly hope that the visit wouldn’t be ended early by her relentlessly trying to get in my pants. I had faith in Flutters, I just knew what she liked at the end of the day and the more I thought about it, the less I felt like it was ‘Max’.

When we finished with her animals, Fluttershy and I headed inside to have some tea and it took her four sentences, including the one inviting me in for tea, for her to ask for sex. Instead of blowing up about it then and there, I decided to ask for a quick word in private and Fluttershy assured me that she’d cleared it with Twilight. Smiling as she did so. I didn’t care all that much about going outside after that and stared at her until she asked why I was mad. Walking away without snapping at her was easy, but she followed me outside and I waited a sec for her to say something.

It was time poorly wasted. “M-Max, I don’t- I don’t know what I did…”

I turned around and let the mask slide on. “When’s the last time we saw each other and you didn’t ask about the next time I was going to fuck you?” Fluttershy sat there and thought about it. And thought. “Fluttershy Fleur de Tulipe, I myself don’t know. What does that tell you?”

“... W-Well…” I waited for her to spit it out. “... It tells me that I ask a lot…”

“And because you ‘ask a lot’ and because of how you ask, I don’t like coming over here anymore.” Her jaw dropped and pure offence crossed her face. “Fluttershy, you want my company for my cock. Do you know what that means?” I leaned in. “It means you don’t want my company. I am your benefits, not your friend at this point. If you haven't heard then listen now; A friend you only want to see because you want to fuck them is not a friend.”

“I-I… I didn’t mean to… I… Max… Max, I…” She couldn’t get her words together because my point made more sense than anything she could say against it. We both knew it.

“I feel like less than a person around you these days, Fluttershy. I shouldn’t have to feel like that because of one of my friends.”

“... You’re the only person I can ask, though…” She hid behind her hair, giving me The Look.

“Then go to a male-majority town and settle for what you’ll get there rather than asking the only male friend you see more than bi-annually for sex every time you see him. And yes, Fluttershy, Twilight letting you pull this makes me mad at her because I told her how this is making me feel.” I shrugged. “I’m fucking off for today. Think about it.”

“Max…” I’d already started walking away and paused to listen, looking over my shoulder. “... It was easier when we could go on dates.”

“... Things change, Flutters. You know that. Accept it for what it is and move on.” I tried not to let the bitterness show in my tone and I succeeded rather well.

She nodded sadly, playing up the guilt angle. “I will. I don’t have to be happy about it, right?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be, though it’s an option I’ll never deny you.”

She gave me a look and sighed. “How could I be happy that I lost my coltfriend to one of my own friends, Max? I know that you and Twilight have something special, but I can’t help but think that maybe I won’t find somepony for myself...”

“I’m honestly surprised that Applejack isn’t an option. You two never seem to have a problem.”

“It’s just not the same. I love Applejack as a friend, not like my fillyfriend. She can’t satisfy me the way you do...”

“You know you can buy a vibrating strap-on, right?” I asked.

“A.... What?” Fluttershy looked at me, bewildered.

I got my point across as well as I could. Might as well throw her a bone. “We’re going to go grab Applejack and take a little field trip back to my house. I was going to wait until your birthday, but now seems like a better time.”

“Max, what are you talking about?” She asked. “Should I be scared?”

“Only if you hate wearable pleasure that does a wiggle.” I thumbed my nose and gestured for her to follow me.

Fluttershy had more questions, but also had to go back inside and turn off her stove before something happened. She kept asking about my gift for her, but the answers I gave never got any less cryptic. She eventually gave up about three quarters of the way to Applejack’s farm, so I considered that a plus. When we collected the orange cowgirl, she had similar questions to Fluttershy’s, but my answers didn’t change enough to give much if any more information. Still, they followed me back to my house, though Applejack stopped and took a stand when I wouldn’t give her a straight answer until I told her that it was sex-related and watchable.

Once we arrived at my house, I had Applejack and Fluttershy wait in my living room while I went upstairs to grab their presents. There was a random wired-vibrator that I hadn’t really intended on giving anyone and the strap-on in my hands when I went downstairs, though I hadn’t taken them out of their boxes. I gave the strap-on to Applejack and the vibrator to Fluttershy, but I didn’t tell them anything about their gifts. I did tell them to open them the next time they wanted to spend some quality time together and they looked at each other before rushing off to do just that. Chuckling, I watched them leave and grabbed my pipe kit before wondering if I was spending too much time smoking. It wasn’t hard to track the amount I’d smoked in the past few days since I’d gone through an entire cola, so I decided to leave my kit at home and sober up for a while. The persistent fog seemed to be making it a little harder to keep my cool anyway, and I needed a clearer head these days.

In any case, I fucked off out of my house since reading, writing, and generally being creatively productive weren’t in my agenda for the time being. Visiting Twilight and Spike was always a good use of time, but unfortunately no one was home for once since like, the last blue moon. From there, I could either ‘break in’ to their unlocked house and take a fuckin’ nap since I was still kind of tired even after two cups of pure death, or I could do some meandering around town. Option B sounded more legal and like a better use of my time in the same swing, so it wasn’t hard to see what I did from there. However, Rarity was in Town Square when I went there, and I had to say; She did a damn good job of covering up her shiner, but it didn’t stop her eye from being slightly swollen. That, and she touched her face the moment she saw me, then fucked off to the opposite side of the round plaza.

My day was brightened, but I was still fucking tired. It could have been worse. In any case, being alone in Ponyville during Spring meant that I didn’t want to be alone for long, so I caught the eye of the only mare I knew who was too fond of being friends with me to try anything. Briar Rose was quick to drop by and walk with me while I did some shopping, though all we did was chat and take it easy. Her presence alone was enough to ward off the sharks in the water, but it did make me wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t chosen Twilight over anyone else. My first thought was that Rarity probably wouldn’t have pulled the shite that she did, or would have tried anyway. There was no telling; The cunt’s a piece of shite, alright. That being said, I briefly wondered about Briar and found that while she wasn’t unattractive, she just wasn’t my type regarding romance. I had a feeling that any attempt to be sweet to her would end in a trade of barbed compliments and maybe some friendly punches. That’s not really what I want out of trying to be romantic. A smile or a blush, maybe. Some form of acknowledgement other than an insult, I guess.

That being said, I usually got those things from Fluttershy when I’d been with her. Honestly, the relationship hadn’t exactly been toxic or anything, but it was predominantly physical and I hadn’t lied to Twilight when I said that sex meant next to nothing to me. Fucking Fluttershy probably made her feel incredibly loved, but to me it was an empty act that I made good for her because I fucking loved the cuddles that came afterwards. Flutters might have been the first to express interest, but she wasn’t the best choice I had by far and it showed the more she tried to use me for my body and my body alone. That was just the thing; Fluttershy and Rarity made me feel used, but even hanging out with Pinkie made me feel like I had friends that cared. Rainbow was a bitch and had growing up to do, but I’d never had any illusions about what Applejack and Twilight wanted from me… Fluttershy was just less sneaky and detestable in general than Rarity, as much as it hurt to say that… They both wanted the same thing from me at the end of the day.

I fucked around and went shopping for snacks and things that would help kickstart the appetite that had been waxing and waning in the past few days, but colour me surprised when Blueberry Tart and I literally bumped into each other while browsing in the general store for hand soap. The way her face lit up when she saw me had me smiling in a second flat, earning her a hug then and there. It was a lovely coincidence and I said as much with, “Blueberry! My favourite new friend, how are you?”

We let each other go and she waved the soap she still had in her hand. “Oh, you know, just trying to get some little bits and bobs for the house and home. It’s good to see you again, Max.”

“I’ll say, I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow.”

“Well, it’s not like we’re at your house Mister Baron.” She gave me a bit of a look, and pointed at the soaps. “I think sandalwood would go with your cologne nicely, in any case.”

I picked it up because I’d been looking for something woody to go with my Burning Blood by Essetialis and Black Poppy Musk combo for a while and hadn’t thought of the clear choice. “A little herbal to balance out the sweetness. I gotta admit, you have a good nose there, Blueberry.”

She scoffed and picked something up in a pink package. “Like you’re not blending colognes to get that signature scent!”

My jaw dropped. “You’ve gotta be shitting me!”

“Language, young man.”

I gave her a look. “... Okay, I’ll curb it a bit, but you know I’m the Baron of this county, right?”

“I acknowledge that and don’t really care, sweetie.” Blueberry Tart gave me some side-eye and a sly smile. “I’m sure you’re not exactly the type to use their station at all.”

“Where the hell are you from and why am I just now meeting you?”

“I own Attain, Attract, Attire. We’ve actually met and talked before, now that I know you’re dating Twilight Sparkle. I still remember the days when your face was more red than pink and pasty~”

“Oh, don’t even go there, Miss Moose-Caboose.”

She whacked me and I giggled my bloody tits off. “Hush, you absolute anus!”

A passing Donkey chuckled and Blueberry gave her a look, but the female Ass just shrugged and kept walking. Meanwhile, I was too busy smiling and wanted to hug the woman for some odd reason. “Say, are you going to be shopping for a while? I’ve got some stuff I need to pick up for myself and I could use a wise woman such as yourself to help me find a good deal or two.”

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure I’m your only option for a wise opinion-”

“Oi, I already like you enough to consider your opinion. There aren’t many people in Ponyville that’s true for.”

“Then I suppose I should take the compliment and raise you tea at Blissfully Brewed for the opinion of a young man?”

“Ah, if I go to a café, I always try their coffee. No one’s gonna be able to make better tea than a born and bred Brit, at least not in this country.”

“You’re Briddish? I could’ve guessed Manian, but Briddish makes more sense.”

“British, and I’m from another planet entirely, which isn’t a joke. I’m the only Human known of on Equus.”

Blueberry rolled her eyes. “You might look a little funny, but you’re not exactly alien material, sweetie.”

I took a moment to consider what she meant. “... Miss Tart, I’m not a Pony.”

“I see and understand that, but Aliens are fiction, Max.”

Her brow furrowed at the small smile on my face. “What’s the next thing you need to grab?”

“... Well, I was looking for a new shampoo to get the perm out of my mane-”

“Sister Shell’s Straight/Shine Shampoo will turn those curls into waves, if I’m not mistaken. Pinkie Pie used Fluttershy’s bottle once and she actually went from poofy-haired little filly to petite young mare in a single shower.”

“Then I’ll take your word for it. Any idea where to find it?”

“Ah, no, actually, but we can look here. I know for a fact that the salon on the west side of town has more ‘single purpose’ type stuff than this store.”

“And what kind of crackers should I pick up for chilli while I’m here?”

“Ah, cream crackers and oyster crackers go best in chilli. The buttered biscuits are a little sweet and ruin the savoury aspect of small-town Equestrian chilli.”

“Why would I put a biscuit in chilli?” She giggled.

“Ah, it’s a difference in language. A buttered biscuit to a Brit is just a salad cracker here in Equestria.”

“So what’s a cream cracker?”

“The typical cracker people around here crumble into chilli.”

“There’s nothing creamy about them!”

“I didn’t say there was, that’s just what they’re called, my nutty buddy.”

“I’m nutty?”

“Yes, yes you are. Shall we continue?”

She started off and I followed, the conversation flowing pretty easily while we wandered around the store. I felt the need to pick random things up constantly and put them back where I found them, but Blueberry eventually told me to stop browsing for shite I didn’t need. That being said, the store actually did have the shampoo I’d recommended and I helped Blueberry find a conditioner, lucking out and finding some completely unscented shit! I’d been casually looking for something that didn’t have a real odor or aroma for some time, but it wasn’t until I found a charcoal infused conditioner that I had any success. Blueberry Tart picked up a shampoo she liked to use when she wanted her perfume to be her main attraction and showed it to me, thus cementing her as a trustworthy shopping partner.

We rang our shite up and luck was on my side. The mare who usually watched over the shop had a boss, and that boss was a guy! Chatting him up and keeping Blueberry in the conversation saw us getting our soaps for free. When we left, my new friend was quick to mention that the owner of the store was notorious for being an asshole, so she was quite surprised that I’d gotten on his good side with a casual joke. I explained to her that the men of Ponyville weren’t usually that social, but when we came across each other, it was kind of like meeting your doppelgänger for a drink. I had to admit that when I went to the pub alone, I never drank with women while I was there since there were two booths and a section of barstools reserved for the men of town thanks to Berry Punch and her proclivity for making sure that her clientele had a good time in her establishment.

Blueberry mentioned that she’d noticed the mild segregation whenever she went out for drinks and commented on the fact that it was rare, even during Spring Heat, for mares to approach those booths and stools. Apparently, the fact that Berry’s bar was a ‘safe-space’ wasn’t that well known, but the mare’s policy on bothering her other patrons was held up regardless. Blueberry was surprised to find that I had a truly low opinion of a lot of the people I met just because I got propositioned without there being any reason for it.

It was a little clearer to her when we were on our way to Blissfully Brewed. I got stopped by someone I’d seen plenty of since living in Ponyville, and while I gave points for persistence, the red mare had never been one of the subtle ones and always irritated me to the point of almost getting sworn at every time we talked. I thought she knew that I didn’t like her, but even if she couldn’t pick up on the hint, Blueberry…

… That woman scares me a bit, honestly. She’s fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but the way she dressed that mare down… Tart’s method of destroying someone she didn’t like was basically the same as mine; Eat away at their self-esteem and act superior until they either feel so terrible they never approach me again or get ready to throw a punch. Blueberry, the bastard savage that she was, insulted everything from the mare’s shoes to the way she styled her mane, but that’s not to say that my new bodyguard didn’t also attack her demeanour as well. Red Bitch had been ready to scrap at some point. That point was a moment, and that moment was not long since Blueberry…

Fuck, I really do appreciate the woman, just let me say that much.

After Blueberry and I sat down for tea and coffee at the café, another hopeful came calling when she took our order, but she accepted the quiet rejection I gave her with a smile, was plenty happy to drop the subject, and continued on about her day normally. Blueberry, however, was annoyed to say the least. “Honestly, Max, if you weren’t so patient with these mares, they wouldn’t bother you so much.”

I waved my hand, grinning while my face was heating up. “Nah, you’ve got it all wrong, Blue. As the Baron of the town, I can’t shout people down for trying their luck. I can take shots at them and make them feel like dirt on my shoes, but I can’t outright give them the earful you gave that horrid whorse back on Cherry Street.”

“I just said what I thought was on your mind and added in my own little spin.” She shrugged. “... It’s just a little eye-opening to see for myself why so many stallions in this town are either monogamous or gay.”

“It could be worse, if you wanna look at it that way. I mean, it still sucks with the way things are in majority towns-”

“Max, I used to live in Trotsdale.”

“... Isn’t that like, the most macho town on the coastline?”

“Yes! And do you know what it was like for a mare to live there!?”

“I’m assuming it was a lot like Ponyville-”

“Not at all!” She made a brushing gesture to emphasize her point. “My husband and I met purely by chance while attending a Guard Exhibition and he was one of the few stallions I ever flirted with because stallions won’t approach mares. In male majority towns, you can go anywhere as a mare and be left alone until you look like you need help or otherwise start getting shady. I know that the monthly cycle plays a part in it, but stars above, Max, I don’t know how… Well, how you tolerate it.”

I inhaled and let it out slowly, pursing my lips and looking off to the side before trying to articulate with how I felt while trying to tone it down. “Like I said, it could be worse, but just because I say that doesn’t mean I don’t get tired of feeling like someone’s potential meal every time I go outside. I more or less have to moderate my narcissism because if I go out with the intent of attracting attention, I’ll fu- I mean, I’m gonna get it whether I want it or not. There’s no point in being bitter, per se, about the way Equestria is, but that’s not saying I’m okay with it.”

“So…” She sighed. “Sweetie, I’m not saying to abuse your authority-”

“Using it period while people are just being themselves is’t my thing, Blue. If I flex the Baron thing, it’s because another Aristocrat is trying to fu- Er, mess with me or undermine said authority-”

“But you don’t use it in the first place, so why does it matter if someone undermines it?”

“It’s not just me they’re disrespecting with that, most of the time. It’s men, non-Ponies in general, and Celestia’s decisions that they’re questioning and commenting on. Honestly? If it didn’t go against my morals as someone who was born in a figurative gutter and raised in a shitehole, I would make changes around here. I just can’t, because if I do Celestia has to approve and she’s never going to side with a man over a woman, and that’s just how Equestria works unless it’s a violent crime. Even then, she’s been known to side with the aggressor if they’re female.”

“Sounds like there’s a lot you have to keep in mind just to live a relatively peaceful life, and even then you kind of get screwed over…” The waitress came back with our orders and Blueberry seemed ready to turn on ‘Mama Bear’ mode, but the gal was one of the good ones and I’d already known that she wasn’t going to make another pass. “... I’m a little surprised she didn’t say much.”

“Blue, you’re one of the mares in this town. Some of you are really worth knowing and being friends with, like Twilight Sparkle and Applejack.”

Blueberry chuckled and raised a brow. “So which one are you dating? Or is it both?”

“I’m dating Twilight and only Twilight for the time being. Applejack is great and she’s my best friend, but I don’t think either of us are really willing to try it out.”

“At least not now, right? You obviously love both of them, Max. You smiled the second Twilight’s name left your mouth and finished off by looking a little… Dejected, if I can be so blunt.”

“Won’t hear me complaining, but yeah… I love Applejack and I would date her, but… There’s already plenty in our history that makes us wary of romantic involvement with each other, it just doesn’t stop us from feeling the way we do.”

“Well, what about Twilight? What really makes you fall head over heels for her?”

“Tch, where do I start? She’s brilliant, kind, generous, goofy, sweeter than wine, an absolute dork, and is easily one of the most… Loveable people I’ve ever met, just in general.” I smiled and sipped my coffee. It had been pressed a little quickly, but it was still great. “... When Twilight looks at me, I see admiration and love in her eyes. She wants to know how I’m feeling and what’s worrying me. Wants to know why my feelings are hurt and why I’m mad. Twilight…”

“She makes you feel seen, heard, and loved.” Blue finished for me, joy and envy in her expression. It was in the crinkle of her eyes and the curve of her smile. “Honestly, my husband made me feel the same way. I used to be a rough and tumble kind of mare turned Trip-Taker, but… Mulberry was a one of a kind stallion, I’ll say that much.”

I could see pain in those eyes and I knew where the envy was coming from. It wasn’t that Blue was jealous or wanted what Twilight and I had for herself; She’d already had it and was glad that I had it too. A fuckin’ retard could tell that she was a widow. “Let me guess, he was purple, a bit nerdy, and kind of a goofball?”

“Oh, sweetie! Kind of doesn’t even start on it! Mulberry was the sweetest guy even of his worst day, but that klutz couldn't take two steps without tripping over his own hooves! And his glasses? They practically stayed taped together!” She smiled at her cup of tea, reminiscing on rose-tinted days and golden moments. “Even after we had our son, Cream, I was almost scared to let Mulberry hold him since I thought he was going to fall with our foal in his arms. I was not wrong,” She giggled, “but that goofy, goofy stallion only hit his butt with our son in his arms once and he didn’t even stumble again for years after. Never saw him trip or anything after I saw how terrified he was that he might’ve hurt our colt.”

“The clumsy ones make for the best cuddle buddies after all. Where’s Cream now?”

Melancholy hit the grin on her face and I could see that she was fighting with her words, though those tears had long since been shed. “With his father in Trotsdale. Both resting, now.”

“... I’m sorry to hear that, Blue… How did you find it in you to leave?”

She snorted, giving me a strange look, teetering on understanding my implications. “Trotsdale held a lot of memories for me, whether they were good or bad. I’d been everywhere in that damn town a thousand times with Mulberry and we’d taken Cream all over so many times, I couldn’t hardly walk down the street without having a panic attack or bawling my eyes out. It took me a while to make my peace, but when I did…” Blue shrugged, fingering her cup as she shook her head. “I still go west to visit on Father’s Day and Hearth’s Warming.”

“You never know someone’s struggles until they tell you.”

“That’s always going to be true… But you can’t sit here and ask about something like that without giving a few drops of information yourself. That is, unless you’re not the colt I think you are.”

I chuckled through my teeth, not sure of how much I really wanted to tell her. I could say something about Maxwell, talk about Maggie, or go into the shitescape that was my childhood, but I figured losing family was on topic. Talking about it wasn’t appealing, but she was right. I’d had no real right to steer the conversation like I had and withhold my own tale. “Ah, then in the sake of fairness, I lost my old man when I was… Ten or eleven I think. He was the only parent I had that was anything close to decent, so losing him…” I shrugged. “... Honestly never really put thought into losing Dad or Babs-”

“Babs?”

“The woman who called herself my Mum.”

“... Is Babs her name?” Blue asked, worry coming into her gaze.

“Her name was Babette, but everyone I ever knew called her Babs.”

“... May I ask why you call your mother by her name?”

I shrugged. “She was never a mother worth respecting. When she died, I was finally free to suffer because of my own choices, not because she was telling or selling me for whatever she wanted.”

“... Stars above…”

I snorted. “I’ve made what peace I can with my early years, Blue. There’s worse things in life-”

“Name them. Name something worse than being used and abused by the mare who’s supposed to show you what love is, Max.”

“Never recovering from that use and abuse. Growing cold and heartless. Learning anything about how to be a Human being from someone like her. Full-stop.”

Blue reached for my hand and I let her have it, accepting the contact, despite not wanting her pity. I’d avoided looking at her face for a moment, but when I mustered up the bollocks and got them together to see that same fuckin’ look I’d always hated, it wasn’t there. Blueberry Tart was choking down fury because there was nothing she knew to do to help me, and that much was obvious from the look on her face. Somewhere between empathy and maternal instinct, she seemed like she wanted to meet Babs so she could go back to those ‘maternal instincts’, she wanted to to meet Babs for herself and introduce her to the old Blue; The mare who wasn’t afraid to knock heads and melt your sense of self-worth until she thought you were properly humbled. The compassion and empathetic anger I could feel from her…

I like Blue. She’s a good one.

“Max…” She took a breath and tried to organize her words. I’d seen the look on plenty of faces to know that she was speaking from the heart. “... It takes a strong, willful stallion to pick their life up after it’s been ruined by their own mother… I wondered why I could always see bitterness somewhere inside of you, even when you were smiling… There’s a jaded, hateful old stallion in those eyes, but that smile…” She reached for my hand and I let her have it. “You’re still a young stallion, but you haven’t been a colt in a long, long time. Immature, maybe, but not innocent… I don’t know how to say that I hate Babs other than ‘I want to pour urine on your mother’s grave and replace the dirt with shit’. I don’t know what any of that feels like, but… I do know it’s not something you’d talk about with just anypony who asked about it. Thank you for trusting me, Max.”

“You’re trustworthy. Nothing else to it.” I gave her hand a little squeeze. “... For the time being, why don’t we move onto something a little less…”

“Absolutely depressing?”

I bit my lip and shook, trying not to chuckle while she did a little giggling herself. “Christ, you are hardly a Pony. There aren’t many of you people so blunt and direct.”

“Maybe not in Ponyville, but in Trotsdale we say what we mean and mean what we say.”

“The same goes for Swindon, we just tend to talk in code that you have to know to understand. However, I mean it when I say that I’m glad Rainbow Dash is a dumbarse. Meeting you was an accident I wouldn’t mind happening more often if it introduces me to people like you.”

She waved it off. “You’re just saying that-”

“No, I’m really not. There aren’t many women I can have a normal conversation with here in Equestria, not without some ulterior motive making me want to shut them up and move on. I really do mean it when I say I’m glad I met you, and if I were someone’s grandpa, you might be in danger of getting a date.”

Blue furrowed her brow for a second. “Wait- Wait! You little anus!”

I had a chuckle about that and she pursed her lips, trying not to smile while I had no compunctions about beaming at her. “You’re a chuckle in a bucket, you know that?”

“And you’re a barb in my buttcheek, but at least I can tell that you’re joking.”

I waved my hand back and forth as I sipped my coffee. “The only things I don’t joke about are legitimate hatred, an early passing, and someone’s personal obstacles. I mean, if you can hardly write without it looking like chicken-scratch, it’s not exactly the same as misspelling things because the letters jumble themselves so bad it hurts your eyes.”

“You’re not half the play-colt ponies think you are.”

“I dunno, I used to get around before it started making me feel like the town bike.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“I expect you to be at this point.”

“Well, it’s not the nicest thing I could say.”

“I’m not the nicest guy anyway.”

Blue chuckled and gave me an apologetic look. “Well… I have to admit, once I found out who you were… I was a little surprised that you didn’t flirt with me when we met.”

I shrugged. “You’re easy on the eyes and all, but Twilight’s the woman I want to put a ring on. Besides, it’s not like every pretty face is in the romantic race.”

“Well, thank you! It’s nice to know for certain where we stand.”

“I mean, it’s not like we’re on a date or anything,” I teased.

Her amusement died then and there, along with my will to fuck with her. “Colt.”

“Kidding. I was kidding, Blue.”

Her smile came back and the tightness I hadn’t noticed in my chest started easing up. “Somepony could learn when to not joke, you know.”

I raised my hands in a placating gesture. “Uncle; I’m giving it a rest.”

“As you should. But in any case, what made you fall for Twilight?”

That… That was a mistake on her part, because once you get me started on why Twilight’s great, it’s hard to take the conversation back from me and no one’s allowed to disagree with me on Twilight. Not because I’m always right about what I say, even though I am. It’s more like disrespecting someone I love from the bottom of my heart to my face is a fast-track to making me hate everything about you. That being said, Blue was absolutely enthralled with my observations about my girlfriend and commented on the fact that, once she gave me the chance, every word out of my mouth was spoken with adoration and real love. It made me blush when she brought it up, but having Blueberry comment on my own words brought me a sense of validation that I didn’t really get from anyone else.

It wasn’t hard to tell that Blue happened to be one of the people I wanted to last in my life, so I was careful to avoid jabbing at her and made more of the jokes I kept for the Apple Family. We ended up spending a couple of hours at Blissfully Brewed and the time flew by as we got refill after refill, took bathroom breaks in between, and kept the laughter up as the minutes ticked by. The sun was setting by the time I convinced myself to let Blue leave, but even then it wasn’t a brief parting in the slightest. Applejack had once explained the ‘Farmer’s Farewell’ to me and it was truly a marvel that I’d witnessed multiple times while trying to leave Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight and her family, and now Blue. We hugged twice, stopped to have other conversations damn near four times, and hugged again before actually walking away from each other. When I’d first come across it I’d found it weird and unwelcome. However, the more I found myself in the company of people I actually liked, the harder it was to let one ‘goodbye’ be the end of the conversation.

As I walked home with some partially melted chocolate, various snacks, and the bathroom sundries Blueberry helped me pick out, I found myself smiling to myself whenever I thought of something she’d said. Well and truly, it was a small miracle that I’d found someone so relatable, yet warm-of-heart and kind-of-soul. In fact, I wanted to share the meeting with Twilight, but when I dropped by the Treebrary, she still wasn’t home and the disappointment slapped my pickle. With a bit of hope that wasn’t feeling at home in my chest, I took the path I knew Twilight usually walked to my house and was elated to find that she and Spike were on their way back.

I sped up when I saw them and gestured for them to stay down the trail since I wanted them to visit anyway. They waited for me to get a move on, but Twilight was the first to notice my good mood. “Wow, Max, it’s rare to see you bounce with every step!”

I chuckled and came in for the hug, giving Twilight a good squeeze. “Oi, do you remember me telling you about Blueberry Tart? The lady who’s with Onyx?”

Twilight’s brow furrowed a bit and she seemed a touch confused. “Of course, you spoke pretty highly of her.”

Spike beamed at me. “She’s great, right? You should try her cookies some time!”

Twilight glanced at him as I said, “Spike, I wish I’d met her sooner! We ran into each other while shopping and she is an excellent bodyguard. That red mare who’s face I never remember tried to chat me up again and Blue practically slapped her with her words. God forbid that cunt try getting somewhere with me again; I think she’s afraid of Blueberry.”

Spike laughed and Twilight was no longer smiling when he agreed with, “Yeah! There were some creepy old mares that wouldn’t leave me alone when I was shopping for the special stationary-”

“Wait, what?” Twilight barked.

Spike jumped and I raised a brow. “Cherry, I don’t think Spike did anything…”

My girlfriend eyed her little brother. “Mares were creeping on you and you didn’t tell me?”

He touched his index claws together and glanced at me, clearly uncomfortable and a touch scared. “... Blue took care of it… It hasn’t really happened after she laid into them…”

“I would still like to know that kind of stuff-”

Oh, you are not- “Twilight.”

She raised a brow at me. “Yes?”

“Lay off. It was an innocent mistake; Don’t rip his fuckin’ head off for something he had no control over.”

Her gaze softened and I could practically see her wavering. “Max, still-”

“Twilight, you’re coming after Spike for what someone else did. I get why you’re upset, but it’s in the past and he was the victim. Why are you blaming the victim?”

She folded her arms and glanced at Spike. “... I’m sorry for being… Sharp, Spike, but please tell me if somepony’s making you uncomfortable… It’s my duty to take care of you, and sometimes I need you to help with that. You’re not in trouble or anything, I just wish I’d known before now.”

He still seemed pretty nervous as he answered, but Spike’s voice was steady and he was willing to let it go. “I’ll keep it in mind, but Blueberry really did handle all of it… Her and a lot of the older mares in town check up on me for that sort of thing, and I… I just didn’t wanna worry you…”

Twilight gave him a hug and kissed his dorsal scale-spike thing before looking back to me. “Well, I already like this Blueberry mare a lot more than I could, so if you want to see her for Quality-” The fucked up look I gave her made her pause. “... Um…?”

“Blueberry’s not that kind of woman, Twilight. I don't see her like that at all.”

“... You’re kind of biting my head off, Max.”

“... Sorry, but it kinda feels like you’re telling me to kiss your Mum or something when you say ‘Quality Time’ and Blueberry in the same sentence.”

Twilight gave me an odd look, but smiled all the same. “Then I think she’s a mare I’d like to meet more than most.”

“Oh, speaking of meetings, how about I introduce you guys to dinner at Blossom’s and Bloom’s? My treat if you teleport my crap back home.”

Twilight reached for my bags and sent them off one by one as I passed them to her. “Never let me turn down dinner at B&B’s!”

Spike pumped his fist. “Yes! I have so been craving a shroom-burger!”

I chuckled as Twilight answered that with, “And a medium hay fry, right?”

The little Dragon rolled his eyes. “Why would I-” He caught the look I was giving him. “Why would I get a bigger size?”

Cherry smiled and looked to me. “Lead the way, handsome~”

With that, I did indeed lead the way to the restaurant with two of my favourite people en tow, keeping up the conversation and answering Twilight’s questions with Spike backing me up. Her inquiries were mostly about Blue. Namely, what she looked like, how she acted around me, and what her actual job was. I mentioned that it wasn’t like I’d known her for long, but I still answered what I could and Spike filled in some of the blanks for me. Knowing that Blue was already a friend of my little brother had earned her brownie points to begin with, but hearing Spike and the way he spoke about her? Little Bruv respected Blue more than most and that was enough to seal the deal for me. Blue was good people, and if she ran into trouble she could count on my help to sort it out.

Dinner was a smiley, laughter filled affair while Twilight launched into tales about Celestia and some of the castle-life that she’d never talked about, but it wasn’t hard for me to understand what she was doing. Spike and I had practically teamed up on her, so she reclaimed her little brother and had him help her tell her own stories. Between the two of them, they told me about the side of Celestia that I’d never seen and the life in Canterlot I’d never known. I smiled and laughed, but fuck… Bitter wasn’t the word for it. Envy was nowhere near adequate. It honestly felt like Twilight was kind of throwing her life and privileges in my face with story after story, even if I knew she wasn’t doing it purposefully. The way she talked about being able to travel on a whim and eat well every night of her life…

… I knew I had no reason to be so… Disgruntled, with the life she led. People don’t live through the same things, and I’m well a-fuckin’-ware of it, but having Twilight reminisce with Spike on warm nights in front of the fire, being coddled by the people that had been around her, and never having to worry about a single life-altering thing for her entire childhood… It eventually made me try and change the topic after they launched into all their Hearth’s Warming memories because I hated feeling the way I did. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to smile and share my own happy memories, but Twilight would hardly give me a chance to talk and Spike kind of rolled over my attempts to alter the course of the conversation by talking over me. It got to the point where I asked him if I was allowed to speak according to His Grace and Twilight defended him, but I cited two instances where she’d gotten sick of that shite for herself and pretty much ruined the mood that had been built.

It didn’t feel right to offer my home to them, even though dinner continued with more smiles and tales of their lives. Neither seemed to notice, but I did see the brevity of the parting and knew that they’d probably comment on what I’d said while alone…

I don’t really wanna continue on this train of thought since I know you’ll eventually read it, Twilight, but… I don’t really know how to explain it. It was like being left out in the cold while they were having their Christmas dinner because there was no part of anything they said that I could identify with or relate to. I wouldn’t have traded them memories because what did they do to deserve such a shitty deal? It was impossible not to beat myself up over having a shitty time because it wasn’t their fault. Luck and location had dictated that they had better lives than I did, but Christ… How fucking long do you have to talk about your family and the love you got from them in front of a goddamn orphan before you feel like it’s time to give it a goddamn rest?

… Getting home saw me sitting in my living room with a glass of bourbon that I couldn’t drink, but holding it just made me feel a little better. Smelling the sweet caramel and brown sugar notes reminded me of my happy times, but what the fuck was drinking with your ‘friends’ when you compare it to having your first glass of wine with your parents and older brother? Because my fuckin’ first taste of the sauce was when Babs put gin in soda-pop to soothe a toothache I had when I was maybe nine. When I left her to die and found Slim John, I wasn’t even thirteen and that man handed me a bottle of bourbon to numb the pain I was in.

As I sat and dwelled on the differences between the life of a Princess in all but title and the life of street rubbish, I came to the conclusion that sitting alone was doing me no favours and wondered who would still be up at the moment. Applejack and Macintosh were my first choices, but the farm needed them to rest more than I needed to quiet my mind. Fluttershy was on my shit-list and I couldn’t bitch and moan to her anyway since she wouldn’t know what to say. Luna was up since the moon was in the sky, but I didn’t expect kindness from her. She’d tell me to get the fuck over it and quit being a little bitch about the past, and I could tell myself that. I’d been telling myself that. Celestia would pretend to take my side, but in the end, it was at least three thousand years since she’d even had a chance to know what I was feeling.

Noir crossed my mind since I still needed to visit her for the day, but I didn’t want to bring my troubles to her because… I just didn’t want her to look at me like I was some kind of arsehole who judged people for having a good life, even though I knew that she’d be able to tell me how I was feeling better than I myself would know. In the end, I put my glass of bourbon down and leaned back on my couch. My eyes closed and it took three breaths to fully clear my mind. Once I was at ease, I slipped into the mindscape to hear Muse’s Starlight over the shitty speakers in the Rubber Dutchman. The old pinball machine that the chavs slung quarters into was ringing its bloody head off, so I looked toward it and saw Noir handling the fuck out of business with her score waaay over anything I’d seen on a similar machine. I strode over and watched as Noir was playing the BSD: Bram Stoker’s Dracula on fucking turbo. How did she make it go faster than I’d ever seen? I don’t know. How was she reacting to the fucking ball that I could barely follow?

I also don’t know, but fuckin’ hell! The money I could’ve made off of Noir back in England made my non-present wallet ache. It wasn’t a good time to mess with her or try to catch her attention, so I slid into the old booth I’d used to hang around with Sketchy Sammy at. It was the only booth in the bitch that, for one, had comfortable seats, and two, had leather on them. Just to see what would happen, I conjured up a dark stout and sipped it, but my stomach hurt the second I got it down. I still liked the taste, it just didn’t agree with me. I decided to stop being stupid and stripped the ‘alcoholic’ status off of the drink and it wasn’t as good. Still, the brew was familiar and reminded me of the first time Sketch let me get work from her.

Since I was in my booth, I pulled out the old LG Lucid I’d gotten for myself before breaking it and played the 2048 Puzzle like I had for hours upon hours at a time. There was a simple trick to the game if all you wanted was to hit the 2048 block, which I’d figured out without needing to be told, unlike Maxwell. He’d been lost when I showed him my screenshot of the 8192 block I’d almost been able to duplicate and merge before my run shit itself. It was mostly because he could barely get to the 1024 block on 5x5, which I found kind of funny and sad simultaneously. Thinking of him didn’t help the downward spiral my mood found itself in, but my relative solitude wasn’t to last much longer as the BSD machine went a little wild with the lights and played a song I’d heard once. Noir cheered along with it, throwing her fists into the air and cursing at the thing while boasting about it being weak. Shite was hilarious and got a chuckle out of me as she interlocked her fingers behind her neck and let her arms hang.

Noir took a deep breath and let out a victory shout that did a lot to help with the clouds hanging over me, so both of us got to see a smile when she finally faced me. Noir came over and sat on Sammy’s side, conjuring a cocktail that I assumed was a pina colada. “I would like you to acknowledge that I have decimated that blasted machine, but it is not necessary.”

“You were spanking it like it stole from you when I stopped by to look. How the fuck did you make the ball go so fast?”

“Magic. I sense I have missed the cause of your melancholy during my pinball adventures.”

I shrugged. “It’s not important-”

“Then what else are we going to talk about?”

“... We talk about stuff other than my problems.”

“Yes, but I refuse to do so until I lend my assistance in making you feel better.” Noir sipped her drink, daring me to disagree.

I puffed a laugh through my nose and looked into my beer. “... I guess I just kind of realized that no matter what I become, I’m always gonna feel like an outsider on some level. It is what it is.”

“What made you come to such an unpleasant conclusion?”

“Hearing Twilight and Spike talk about life in Canterlot and dwelling on what I know of most of my friends. Pinkie and Applejack probably know what it’s like more than anyone else. AJ lost her parents and all, but she actually loved them. Pinkie’s childhood was hard and by her own admission her family was pretty distant with each other, but she still has them to fall back on.”

“So wishful thinking, bitterness, and misplaced anger have ruined your day.”

“To put it in a cup, yeah… I got to see Blueberry Tart again today, though. She was the highlight of the afternoon, honestly. That and watching Rarity practically run from me.”

Noir chuckled a little herself. “As much as I would love to dive into the wretch that is Rarity Belle, I am much more interested to know how Blueberry Tart made your day.”

“We ran into each other while I was getting hand soap and started up a conversation from there. Shopping together turned to tea, tea turned into a pretty deep talk, and I honestly have to say that I really like her. It’s kinda…” I rubbed the back of my neck, my face getting hot. “... Kinda rare I… Meet someone like that, I guess…”

Noir sipped her drink calmly. “You are quite fond of her.”

“It’s not-”

“I did not mean to imply that it was, I just stated that you were fond of her. It has not been long since you first told me of her, and you were already prepared to make her a friend.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m anti-social-”

“But you do not consider someone a friend until you connect with them. Until you see a reason to keep them in your life. It is not a common occurrence that you would sit in public with a mare for the purpose of platonic conversation.”

I shrugged. “... Blue’s just really cool and… I dunno, there’s just something about her that screams, ‘Hug me and I’ll give you biscuits’.”

“And something about her that says ‘I had better be on my best behaviour.’.”

The smile that split my lips was followed by a chuckle. “Yeah, honestly. It’s… It’s not that I don’t want to disappoint her or anything, it’s just-”

“Exactly what you said it was not.”

I chuckled again, giving her a look. “I wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true.”

Noir didn’t reply, a certain warmth in her expression that I didn’t understand the point or origin of. “The bitter mood lightens when you speak of her.”

My smile faded. “... You don’t think I have… Like, a subconscious crush on-” Noir started giggling and my heart fell through my fucking seat. “Oh.”

Noir waved her hand and I tried not to be hurt. “Shush, you silly boy. You feel no sexual attraction toward the mare; rest assured that you actually do have a Platonic Love for a woman that has certain endowments.”

“Yeah, thanks for leading with that, ya blue waffle.”

“Why is that phrase so familiar?”

“Because you have a blue waffle.”

“I see you are somewhat miffed with me. I meant no offence, my snowy scout~”

“You’re starting to get annoying.”

“Does your brand of medicine sit ill in your stomach?” She raised a brow, clearly teasing me.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, your Mum’s still fat. Speaking of fat, though, I am in the mood for some bacon.”

“Then make some-” A plate appeared in front of us and I took a chewy slice. “... This smells better than most meats, but why is it in strips?”

“That’s how bacon is served. I like mine pretty thick, so the crispy ones are a little on the toasty side.”

Noir tried a piece and her face went from contemplative to blank before she took three more pieces and helped me with clearing the plate. “I think bacon may be the best thing your people have done with pork since spicy sausage.”

“I do love some spiced sausage.” I conjured up an Americunt from Shudderup’s; A short-lived burger shop that had introduced a lot of American food to Swindon, even though it was only around for maybe a year and a half.

Still, the Americunt was the best burger I ever had with American cheddar, pepper jack, applewood-smoked bacon, and one-hundred percent Texan beef. I may not have a high opinion of the cowboys across the pond, but fuck. If I lived there? With their food? I’d be a Hover-Round having, couch-dent making, sack of mayonnaise and McDonald’s myself, so I don’t really make fun of them for being lard-arsed. Commenting on it is different, but it’s not like I don’t understand the fuck out of it. Especially since seasoned chips? They are God’s true purpose for the potato, and anyone alive will have a hard time convincing me otherwise. I cut my burger in half and made another plate for Noir since the Americunt was like, half a fuckin’ kilo of meat patties with nothing but grease, cheese, and condiments to keep your arteries clogged and your dopamine nodes pumping the good shit.

In between bites of burger, I asked, “So do you have any idea why I like Blue as much as I do?”

“Do you need to have a reason for your favourite colour?”

“I was talking about the mare, not the hue.”

Noir chewed for a moment and swallowed before trying the Coke I’d thought up for her and recoiling. “What in the blazes-” I was trying not to choke on fucking food and ended up having to wait to get it down as she said, “Maximus, why does your beverage hurt!?”

I finally managed to swallow and took some calming breaths. “Yeah, carbonated drinks have a bit more punch when they’re cold, which is another thing the Americans are right about. Don't think it does much for their tally in all honesty, but it’s a good pain when you get used to it.”

“Why does it hurt?”

“It doesn’t you’re just a two meter and change pussy.”

“I will hit you.”

“I’ll like you more if you don’t.”

Noir rolled her eyes and went back to her cocktail. “At least you finally managed to admit that you do not hate America and its citizens.”

“I don’t have a reason to hate America, I just think the country happens to be retarded in and of itself. It’d be stupid to think that every American is a ‘Yeehaw! Bible-by-God, Imma fuck muh sister!’ jackass. And seeing as how those kinds exist, it’s not like Karens and Kyles strut the streets everywhere. I know that there are decent Americans, but I also acknowledge that a lot of them suck.”

“They could say the same for you stab-happy, building-bombing, politically correct wankers,” Noir corrected.

I snorted. “That’s not even mentioning the halfwit Tories, stuck-up, posh tossers, or the Welsh.”

Noir stared at me before she started cracking up. “The Welsh!?”

“Yeah, fuck ‘em all,” I answered, dead serious. “Can barely parse a fuckin’ word out of their crooked, mongoloid mouths.”

Noir tried to stop laughing, but apparently commenting on the one ethnic/national group of people I actually hated as a whole was funny to her. “Max, you are racist!”

“When did I ever say I wasn’t? I don’t give a shite on broken kite about anyone who doesn’t bother me. Welsh people are native to the area and barely speak the language. How much sense does that fuckin’ make?”

“Max!”

“I don’t like people with lisps either.”

“Maximus Ignatius! Watch your mouth!”

“I’m sorry, but-”

“Oh, you are not sorry in the slightest.”

“Nope, not really.”

“Max, may I just say that you are a surprise with every visit?”

I chuckled at that. “I would try to back peddle, but fuck, the Welsh really do piss me off.”

“Oh, that has nothing to do with Babs. Nothing whatsoever.”

“Was she Welsh?”

“No, but some of her shittier compatriots were very Welsh.”

I nodded. “Not like I try to remember those days, but it does explain a bit.”

“It is less amusing when all is laid out, I have to admit.”

I shrugged. “It’s Blanket Hatred, Noir. I wasn’t trying to make a joke.”

“... I will admit, knowing that you hate a group of people for the actions of a terrible few is disheartening.”

“Noir, I could be the biggest misogynist on this planet with the reasons I at least think I have. I could hate cops for the shite they’ve pulled in my life. I could hate Savage and Slick and every other scum-of-the-Earth I know. I can’t help how I feel, even if I particularly wanted to.”

My brain-friend pushed her plate aside and folded her hands. “Now that I think about it, it is a surprise that you generally find distaste in fighting women. Considering your life in Ponyville and the relationships you’ve found yourself in throughout your life, your opinion is actually very neutral as compared to men…”

I shrugged. “... I don't know why that is, nor do I care to.”

“You could also hate Ponies and it would not be unwarranted.”

I shrugged. “I never saw the point in actively hating a group of people for the actions of a few.”

“... The Welsh.”

“They can’t speak the fucking language they know.”

She covered her mouth. “I know that you are completely serious, but that is beyond funny.”

“What about you?”

Noir didn’t need me to elaborate to know what I meant. “The only people I hate are those that are truly weak. Those who would do not for themselves, and yet expect life to rain blessings upon them. Those who would never pick a sword to slay the demon taunting them… I hate for the contents of a person’s character more so than their characteristics, should that make sense to you.”

“That’s a very reasonable system to judge people by.”

“We all have one, it just depends on whether we stick to it or abandon our own morals.”

I snorted and looked into my ‘beer’. “Anything else you wanna broach?”

“You should not assume that Twilight was unaware of your discomfort during dinner.” I let my eyes slide to hers, and she didn’t drop the subject. “I have no illusions regarding Twilight’s love for you, Max, but she knew that you were at the very least unhappy while she and Spike carried on. She would not be the mare you think she is if she was so inattentive.”

“... Wonder what she thought of me lowkey snapping at Spike.”

“... You will not like what I have to say.”

“Then it’s all the more important I hear it.”

“She likely thought you were bitter.”

“... And she kept on the topic while knowing that. Doesn’t sound like Twilight.”

“When have you ever known a Pony to not revel in happy memories?”

I tapped the rim of my mug with my thumb. “... Then that was heartless, Noir. Twilight’s not heartless.”

“She is naive all the same. Innocent beyond what you may assume. Thinking that you are being a Bitter Berry and knowing why you feel bitter are two very different things.” The sounds of the empty bar were the only noise for a few minutes. Noir eventually tried to get things started with, “Max, I did not mean to upset you…”

“... The truth hurts sometimes, Noir, and the truth is that I’ll never have the same happiness as an Equestrian because I’m already too fucked up and fucked over to be anything other than fucked in the head.”

“Does growing not mean that you are healing?”

“Scar tissue only fades with time or Magic, and the scars inside don’t heal until you can get over the fact that they’re there.”

“I see you are prepared to wallow in your sorrows.”

“... I just want to feel how I feel, Noir.”

“... I have nothing constructive to say, Maximus. I think it would be for the best if this visit was shorter than most.”

“Sorry, Blackberry, didn’t mean to kill your buzz.” I chugged the rest of my beer.

Her eye twitched and she looked away. “... Maximus… At least you live a real life… What you deal with, you have the strength to change… I wish that you would seek to feel better instead of being content in misery.”

“I’m not content in my misery, I just know it’ll pass… But if you-”

“I know. I can only talk to you.”

“... I’m sorry.”

“It is not your blame to carry. I apologize, I did not mean to lash out.”

“If you shoulder my burdens, I can do the same for you. I can count my true friends on my hands, Noir.” I held up my right hand and tweaked the middle finger. “This one is you because it’s the longest.”

She chuckled and smiled, though I could tell that the visit was still over. “... I do care for you, Max. Maybe more than you would think, but I do all the same.”

“... I love you, Noir. There aren’t a lot of people that’s true for.”

“I know.”

The moment was right, so I left and found myself in my house, sitting where I’d been before. It’s not like I actually found myself, but still. I pulled a knife out of my inn table and looked at it for a while. Thinking of Babs hurt. Thinking of my younger years in general hurt. Thinking about Fluttershy hurt. Thinking about Rarity hurt. Thinking about Applejack hurt. Celestia hurt. Luna hurt. Noir hurt. Twilight hurt too now. I was waiting for the ache inside to bleed out and give me a break. I wanted it. Craved the release. I knew Noir would have something to say. Knew Luna would have her pounds to toss in the pot. Celestia would likely snap at me…

I put the knife back and felt better for it, but I knew that was temporary. Instead of staying up and trying to muddle through it, I smoked a few bowls. Shortly after, I had a couple slugs of my Sleep Syrup to make sure I could get some fucking rest, but when I laid down, my mind wasn’t quiet. The thoughts I’d been avoiding for weeks if not months kept coming to bear, but eventually I got dragged under the current. Sleep was dreamless and I woke up grateful, but the exhaustion that had been pestering me for the past few nights persisted. My clock told me that it was five-oh-five.

At least my sleep schedule wasn’t fucked.

I got up, made coffee, then didn’t drink any of it. My breakfast consisted of smoke, and my morning was spent writing short stories about my life, just in a Pony’s shoes instead of a Human’s. It lightened my mood a bit, just getting the past on paper. I knew the anthology was going to sell like absolute shite in this country, but I figured I could push Stove Pipe to reach out to his Gryphonian contacts since The Lover’s Days was starting to pick up a following based on what I could get out of the last report he sent me.

I hadn’t been expecting company, but Berry Bliss unlocked my door, came in, and smiled for all of two seconds when she saw me. I was grinning back at her until I realized that I was wearing short sleeves. “Oh, boss, did you get hurt again?”

“Yeah, got a little drunk and thought cooking was a good idea. I’m fine-”

“You don’t drink, boss.”

“Last night was a special case. Drop by to pick up some wine?”

She bit her lip, her brow slightly furrowed as she hesitated to respond. “... Why do you almost always get cut when you cook while drunk? You’re one of the most coordinated Ponies I know, and that’s after half a bottle of liquor.”

I chuckled, not liking where the conversation was going. “Because alcohol and Night Cap tea do strange things to a person when you’re-”

“Not worried about getting hurt?”

I froze for a second, but recovered in the same amount of time. “It’s hard to care about a little knick when your last job was as an Operative, Bliss. I’ve been stabbed at least twice.” Last part’s true, so please… Let it go.

Berry seemed to buy it. “Then maybe you should make food before you get wasted?”

“Or just eat the snacks I keep buying.” I laughed it off and made sure the mask was still in place as I smiled at her. “What brings you by, Berry?”

“... I was at Blossom’s and Bloom’s with Knuckle Duster and you… You didn’t seem like you were having a very good time and now you’re hurt again in the same place with the same excuse.”

My blood chilled in my veins when I realized that one of the dumbest people I’d ever met was calling me out to my face. “I was just having a bit of night, but the two don't-”

“Why would you be cooking if you already had dinner? And I can’t smell anything that says you were cooking. I usually can’t when-”

“Drop it,” I snapped, my patience bottoming out before I could choke it down.

Berry jolted and stared at me. “... Max… You’re scaring me…”

“Then fuck off.”

“... I just wanted to-”

“I’m fine. Kindly fuck off.”

“... I don’t think that’s the kind thing to do.”

“It’s what I want you to do.”

“... Is Twilight hurting you, Max?”

I gave her a look. “Twilight doesn’t have the fuckin’ stones to cut me.”

“... Are you-”

“Berry Bliss. You know damn well I don’t repeat myself.”

She nodded and sighed, giving me a worried little smile. “... A lot of ponies like you, boss. A lot of ponies would miss you.”

“I’m immortal for the next three hundred years. I’m not going anywhere.”

“... Okay. I’ll leave you alone.”

“Thank you.”

She walked away and I went back to what I was doing, but I heard her stop before she left the living room and met her gaze. “... Take care of yourself, Max… My family never got over my brother.”

Berry walked away when I put my eyes on the pages in front of me. I tried to stop the tears, but having someone see through the fucking mask…

I got it together and just laid down for a while, but I had another visitor knock on my door. Listening past the chime to the heartbeat told me that I knew the person. It reminded me of Twilight, so it most likely was her. I could pretend to be out of the house, but instead I just threw on the robe I kept downstairs for the mornings I watched the sunrise outside. It struck me that she could be there to ask what my problem was as I stood in front of the door. I didn’t want to answer it or deal with her for the time being. Instead of wearing the damn mask that felt necessary, I opened the door to see my girlfriend, salty as she was.

“Oi.”

“Hey, Max. Can I come in?”

“Always welcome, Twilight.”

She followed me in and closed the door. “Max… What’s wrong? Last night could’ve been way better.” I walked to my easy chair and sat down, sorting through my words as Twilight asked, “Is it because Spike and I didn’t give you much of a chance to talk? I’m sorry, but we were having a good time-”

“It’s not that, Twilight.”

“... Then what is it?”

“... What did you think after I told Spike to stop talking over me?”

“Well… You sounded a little hateful when you said it-”

“Bitter?”

“... That sounds more accurate…”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Twilight, every year of your life has been better than any I could bring to the table. Your every day that you take for granted wasn’t even a pipe dream for me because I knew I’d never have it. No one was gonna come and swoop me from my parents to let me live a decent life-”

“Max… That’s… I’m sorry, but that’s not my fault. You shouldn't be bitter-”

“Excuse you?” I raised a brow at her. “Do you think I want to be, Twilight? Because I don’t. I want to be happy that you had an easy life-”

“Easy?” The offence she took was immediate and far more than I thought warranted. “Well, Mister, why don’t you tell me just what was so easy-”

“You’ve never worried about your next meal. Your parents loved you and communicated with you. Your hardest task to date was… Fighting Nightmare Moon? With magical relics guaranteeing you victory?” I leaned forward as I saw her get increasingly pissed off with every word, but I had a point to make. “How about you tell me what was hard about your life. What? Making friends? Because you benefited from that. Studying was hard? How many people in this country can hardly read a four syllable word without sounding it out step by step? You’re smart. Was being away from your parents hard? Because at least they still cared. They’re still around to love you. Please, tell me what was hard about your life, Twilight. Tell me why your life of privilege and excess has been difficult for you, because I fought tooth and nail to have everything I ever worked for torn out of my hands.”

“If you want a pity party-”

“Address the question, Twilight. What was hard about your life?”

She drew a breath and tried to have a point. “Expectations, for one. Just because no one ever had faith in you doesn’t mean it’s easy. And for the record? I live in my brother’s shadow-”

“Says who? Who compares the personal student of Princess Celestia of Equestria and says that she falls flat in comparison to the Guard Captain?”

“Well, it’s not like learning Magic was easy-”

“For you? Compared to everyone else who’s had to learn it? Or do you not realize that you went to a private school with the best teachers in the country?”

“Okay! Whatever! If I had it sooo easy, then why is that my fault?”

“That’s not your fault, but what is? What is your fault? Sitting there and rubbing your life, family, and the love you’ve never had to work for in my fuckin’ face and knowing that it hurt for me to sit there and not be able to stop comparing the fact that you’ve never been raped or drugged- That you never even doubted for a second that your parents loved you all in my fuckin’ face. Yeah, I would love to be happy for you, Twilight, but when you’re sitting there bragging in my face about how great your life was? When I don’t have those bloody fuckin’ happy memories ta fuckin share with ya or the fuckin’ fact that I ain’t one a’ you fuckin’ Ponies and no matter what the fuck my life is, I’ll never really get over it.” I tried not to break out in sobs then and there, my lips trembling as I felt unseen. Unheard. Seeing that she was still mad. Seeing that she didn’t care. “I don’t want to feel like this, Twilight. It’s not fair that I do.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Max. Get over it?”

“... Get out of my house.”

“Max-”

I was on my feet in a second and screaming, “Get out of my bloody fuckin’ house ya wretched cunt nag! Get the fuck out!” Twilight sat there and stared at me. “GET! OUT!”

“Max-”

“GEDDOUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!”

She raised her hands and rose slowly. I couldn’t stop sniffling. Couldn’t stop the tears. Couldn’t stop that fucking ache in my chest. “Max, it’s-”

“Twilight; Get out.”

She shook her head. “That’s not happening, Max… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Just fuc- Fuckin’... Just go…”

Twilight started closing the distance, coming toward me. “I can’t say I love you if I do, Amour. That’s not what a good special somepony would do.”

I sniffled and put my hand down, shaking like mad. “I don’t want to be mad at you… I didn’t choose to be-”

She approached and offered me her hands, but I didn’t want to touch her. Twilight took them anyway and took a deep breath, keeping my gaze as she could. “Breathe, Max. You’re gonna hyperventilate and you’ll feel worse for it.” I got a breath in and mimicked her as she did the same, trying to calm down further. “Okay… Let’s talk.”

“What about?”

“... I get it, Max. Nopony I’ve ever known has struggled like you have… But I want to be able to share those happy memories of mine without hurting you… I’m sorry I was so blind, and that’s my fault. I saw that you were getting angrier and I knew it was because you were hurt, but my life hasn’t been as easy as you think… My struggles are valid too, Max.”

“... Twilight, I’m never going to be able to understand your struggles or empathize with them. I would take your life in a second if we could both live it… I would’ve taken anything over what I had because what I had haunts me every time I think too hard about it. My past haunts my dreams unless you’re there to scare off memories I wish I could drink away… I… I just wish I had something from Earth that doesn’t hurt at all that I could share with you. Nothing from my ‘childhood’ was shite that a kid should have to go through… And the happiest memories I have to share make people cringe half the time…”

“Well...“ I saw something cross her face as she sighed. “I don’t really help with that… You’re different, Max… We know that… I… I don’t know how to make you feel better this time. I can’t tell you that you’ll eventually be free of those memories because they made you who you are… But I can tell you that your heart won’t always hurt. Pain is always temporary-”

“It’s fleeting, but it’s always there, Twilight. You can say ‘don’t look back’ and I can try not to but… That’s not how people work. That’s not how I work. I can see how far I’ve come, but it’s always gonna hurt to know what I came from.”

Twilight hugged me and I held her, still feeling that fucking ache that I could never quite get rid of, even while in my lover’s embrace… It was a cold, lonely sensation that I wasn’t fond of, but then Twilight took my face in her hands and said, “What matters more, Amour? Your past and the things you’ll never be able to change, or the present and all the things you can do with it?”

I tried to smile, but it just wasn’t in me. “It’s easier to say that than it is to accept it. Can you really say that you don’t let the past get to you at all?”

“... I can’t, but I can say that it doesn’t stop me from moving forward. It’s never stopped you before either, Max.”

That actually got a grin out of me. “You’re right enough, I guess.”

“... I really am sorry, Max. I didn’t mean to make it feel like I was lording the differences in our lives over you.”

“Apology accepted… I’m sorry you fell in-”

“If you’re going to say ‘I’m sorry you love me’ in any way shape or form…” She shook her head, lacing her arms around my neck. “... There’s no one else I’d rather share my life with, Max. I knew good and well what I was doing when I first kissed you last year. Even with your work for the Crown… You told me every secret I could ask about and more when you got teleported in my house, and even before then I was prepared to accept everything about you. Even the parts you’re not happy with.”

“... Then I’m sorry there’s so much baggage attached to me… I love you, Twilight, and… Thank you for staying. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize for that either, Max… I came over here ready to argue because I had the wrong idea in the first place. Because I was ignoring who you are and all that encompasses. I’m sorry for starting a fight when you were the one who was hurt.”

I hugged her again, but I still wanted to be left alone and said as much. Twilight left shortly after, but my day was destined to have socialization and more shite I didn’t want to deal with. However, Mary wasn’t someone I didn’t want to deal with and I found out that she was afraid of my toes. She didn’t notice I’d taken my house shoes off until I stretched my legs while sitting down, but the look on her fuckin’ face? We’d been chatting about something or other that I was unqualified to give advice on, but when I started popping my toes, she gagged and begged me to stop touching my feet. It was not only what I needed to get started on having a better day, but it also gave me an idea since I’d never actually had a Pony comment on my toes. Putting my shoes back on and seeing Mary eye my feet for the five minutes she stayed after her little spaz-attack had me convinced that tomorrow was going to be a better day.

There was plenty I could have done after Mary made haste with her departure, but I was still tired and had been consistently for the past four or five days. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the kind of tired that made it easy to sleep, so I had another dose of my Sleep Syrup a little earlier than usual and wondered what would happen if I tried to visit Noir. I got into the mindscape just fine, but she was still in the Rubber Dutchman. Blackberry didn’t look at me when I arrived or when I sat down in the same booth across from her and I knew that there was a lot to talk about.

“... I’m sorry, Noir.”

“... You promised to stop.”

“I know.” She leaned back in her seat, still not looking at me. “Noir-” Her face contorted into rage for a split second before she pursed her lips and looked away from me again. “... I’m sorry.”

“Save your breath. Your words evidently mean nothing.”

… Ow… “Then what-”

She slammed her hands on the table and shouted, “I want you to mean what the fuck you say, boy!”

I hadn't moved. I didn’t think she would hit me and I wasn’t afraid of it either. It was stupid to expect her to have any patience with me at the moment, so I didn’t try to defend myself. “I never promised you that, Noir. If I meant it, I would’ve.”

“... Then what do you wish from this visit? Because I have nothing to say to a liar.”

“Why don’t we-”

“Because my problems are mine. If I needed help-”

“You’d shout and scream that you didn’t because you’re too strong to need help. Too wise to fail,” I answered, looking her in the eye and shaking my head. “... Did you think we were nothing alike, Noir? Because you lie to me every time I ask you what’s on your mind. When I ask what’s going through your head, you trim and snip together a response you think I’d rather hear since the truth is a bummer.”

Noir sat down slowly, meeting my gaze until she looked down. “... Max… There is no doing anything about this life I live. It is better than it has been in so many years, yet… It is still emptiness that surrounds me. Luck allowed me to reside within someone I like; Someone I could come to love naturally rather than because it was the only way to cope…” Noir shook her head. “... What can you do about me not being satisfied with getting more than I have wished for in the past thousand years? What can you say that isn’t an apology or an ineffectual assurance that things might get better?”

“... We could always despise each other to the cores of our being. That’s pretty much the only way things get worse from here unless someone else moves into my soul and we don’t like them.”

She shuddered once and barked out a couple of laughs. Noir didn’t stop there and started giggling, pinching the bridge of her nose without me really knowing why she was laughing. “As you might say, Christ… I suppose things could be worse…”

I shrugged. “You could also have acne, spider-fingers, fucked up teeth, and greasy hair.”

Noir giggled some more and smiled at me. “Would you believe that I had acne that made your face look like the surface of a tea saucer?”

“Really?”

“Oh, it was awful! It’s bad enough for Humans, but for Ponies? If you pop them, they always turn into ingrown hairs which you never fully stop popping until someone takes pity on you. It was supposed to be a ‘coming of age’ event when they cast the damn spell on you to end the suffering, but yes. My face was once more pimpled and pock-marked than any you’ve seen.”

“Show me a picture?”

“No! Why would I show you!?”

“Because you’re not narcissistic-”

“Maximus, you completely underestimate the pain my acne brought me. It was commonly accepted in the Ward that I was so ferocious because every person I killed would get rid of a pimple!”

I tried not to laugh at that, but fuck! “It was that bad?”

“It was! I swear, the moment I ran my hands across my smooth, unblemished face for the first time, I was ready to throw myself at any stallion above a five. I had never attained the confidence to seek a partner for anything other than battle until my appearance was dealt with.”

“I don’t really know that feeling in particular, but feeling hideous while being gorgeous? Oh yeah, I’m all over that one.”

“You are cute. A pretty boy. A former Beau Nasty,” My jaw dropped and I rubbed my chest, “but gorgeous? No.” Her smile was devious and just a little evil.

I shrugged. “It’s not like Miss ‘Eight-Thousand-Year-Old’ Granny needs to think I’m a ten for me to know I’m the hottest shit to walk this planet.”

“Yes, but a bisexual person…? Would they rather have you and your bones or me and my curves?”

“You say curves, but pears are curvy too.”

“This from the skeleton?”

“I’ve filled out a bit!”

“... No you have not. You have a bathroom scale and a mirror, Max.”

“Well shit, fuck you too Tubbo.”

“I am not fat.”

“And I’m not that skinny!”

Noir reached over the table and circled my forearm with her thumb and index finger. “I beg your pardon?”

“Your mitts are massive. Even my cock would look small in this thing.”

She sat back down, folding her arms. “My mitts are not massive-”

“Noir, you’re seven-feet tall. Put your hand up.” I offered mine, palm forward.

She did the Tarzan thing with me and I was suddenly less amused. “... My mitts are not massive.”

“I mean…”

“Max!”

“Well, my fingers aren’t spidery!”

Her fingers locked between mine, the table disappeared, and I knew I was about to get slammed. Well, I thought I was about to get slammed, but Noir just threw me over her shoulder and shifted the scene until we were in my current house, tossing me on my couch as she fucked off toward my kitchen. Following her seemed better than sitting, so that’s what I did. She rummaged through my icebox, even though we could conjure up whatever we wanted. Out of the depths, however, that blue bitch pulled out a Tupperware box of Granny Altham’s pecan tarts and nothing about the situation was funny any more. I conjured one for myself and opened it.

I couldn’t even bring myself to eat one. The smell was enough to bring back thoughts of the old bird. “You told Twilight that there were no memories you could share with her that do not hurt.” She bit into one and made a bit of face before swallowing. “Well, then. I do not like pecans.”

“... Thank you,” I muttered, trying not fuck up my daily limit on crying. “... I guess the good memories don’t stick out half as much as the bad ones.”

“Would you tell me what you remember?”

I nodded, finding my words after a few more moments. I started with the first time I remembered seeing her, back when Dad was still alive. I made sure to go into every visit; Every moment I was blessed to have with the person who truly showed me that there was kindness in the world and that it wasn’t always paid for. Now that I think about it, Granny Altham was more of a mother to me than any I’d ever considered a motherly figure. Even Lucille Wright, the only constable I’d ever fully trusted to watch my back, wasn’t willing to feed me or put me up when it dipped below zero. Granny Altham was the reason I shut the fuck up when Granny Smith so much as gave me a look. The woman had earned my respect a thousand times over and I rarely gave old people shit because of what she did to me. I was never able to pay her back for a goddamn thing she did for me, and yes. Yes, I did fuck up my crying limit, but it was from happiness, so I don’t think that counts.

Noir didn’t hold it against me when I rambled on, but I eventually ran out of little details, and found my heart heavy again, but it wasn’t unwelcome. Noir shared a few of her own memories, but she specifically asked me to leave them out of this since she didn’t think anyone needed to know other than me. I respected it and had fun listening to her go back to some of her own all-too fleeting moments of respite from her own dark days. However, the conversation ran a little long and I knew that Noir had a topic on her mind. When she fell silent and I considered keeping the mood relatively light, I saw her close her eyes and that was all I needed.

“... What’s on your mind, Noir?”

“Your self-harm.”

“Figures.”

“... Do you have anything to say?”

“I can promise you that I’d cut down every tree in Sweet Apple Acres and it would be more likely to happen than me giving it up entirely. I’m not gonna make that promise to you, Noir. I don’t know if I can keep it.”

“... Then will you grant me a single wish…?”

“If it’s possible,” I answered calmly.

Noir leaned against my counter, looking at me. Her frustration was clear. Her concern was more than evident. “... Tell Twilight.”

I bit my lip, inhaling until it kind of hurt and letting the breath out through my nose. “... Why?”

“Because she will not stand for it.”

Noir’s eye contact was intense, but I wasn’t uncomfortable. She was giving me an ultimatum, whether she outright said it or not. Her friendship or my unhealthy coping mechanism. It would’ve taken an idiot not to see that if I said no, it would widen the rift we’d just tried to patch. The one thing Noir had asked me to do was easily one of the least attractive prospects I’d come across in the last decade, and that includes staying friends with Celestia. Letting Babs rot away, even if I hated her… There was… There wasn’t a real choice. I didn’t need to waste extra brainpower on the message she was sending me. Either do something to help myself or stop expecting her to do it for me.

I thumbed my nose. “I’ll tell her next time I see her.”

Noir let her breath go. “Thank you.”

I shook my head. “... If I’m supposed to love Twilight, then I should’ve told her already. You really do have the best advice I’ve ever got.”

“If I did not, it would be a waste of my years.”

I chuckled, but there wasn’t much mirth behind it. “... Gonna be a tough talk.”

“Will it?”

“Cute. Yes, Noir, it will be.”

“I am not cute by any stretch of the imagination.”

“You’re fuckin’ adorbs, dollface.” I felt the whole fucking mindscape tilt. “Shit!”

Noir was perfectly upright, chuckling. “This is what happens when you take sleep medication, yet your mind stays active.”

“Oi! Help!” I started sliding down my floor before the fucking world started bouncing. Noir, the fuckin’ cheeky twat that she is, laughed her arse off while being absolutely fine where she was standing. “You bitch! Help!”

“Leave the mindscape, you utter dork!” She laughed at me until I managed to get out, jolting and scrambling while in bed before I got knocked the fuck out by the sauce.

Waking up was alright, I guess. Sleep schedule was intact, but I kept dreaming about falling and wouldn’t wake the fuck up. Luckily, Luna stopped by my dream and fixed it, but I barely remembered her being there and most of what I could recall was falling off of shite. Buildings, couches, my bed once or twice, and trees. So many fucking trees! I had to sit there and fucking laugh because I hadn’t been tormented by my fucking memories for once; Gravity was shitting on slumber and I thought it was the funniest thing until I remembered my talk with Noir and the subtle warning.

At least I got some chuckles in.

I made eggs for breakfast and tried not to dwell on the level of suck my day was about to encounter, but there were worse things in life than taking a problem to someone who loved you. I think. To be truthful with myself, I didn’t want to burden Twilight with more of my problems since they were either hard to solve or just something I had to deal with. Bitching and moaning was all well and good when I barely cared and was just irked. Actually discussing the things that kept me up at night or the shite I’d put myself through while trying to cope and get by wasn’t something I’d ever found easy. Look at my talk with Luna about the Chief. I needed to open that wound to let it heal, even if it was a hellish experience… I just needed to do the same, except Twilight’s first response wouldn’t be to get upset and bluster. All I would do was add another worry to her plate, but… Who else could I take it to?

After forcing myself to eat breakfast and having some tea with it, I got started on my way to Twilight’s and wondered if I was really going to fuck her whole day up with my bullshit. Was I? No. No, I refused to make the first thing she heard in her day bad news, especially since I’d only said that I would get it done sometime before the date changed. I was already halfway to town when I postponed the visit. Unfortunately, it felt like a waste of time to head back home, so I figured I would stop by and bother Briar Rose for a bit. A few back-handed compliments never hurt anyone, at least not a born and bred Brit. With my destination in mind, I headed over to her shop and found that her sisters who were kind of afraid of me for some reason, were out front. It’s not like I’d ever been mean to them or anything, but they were just as nervous when I greeted them as they always were, which still irritated me.

I knew better than to comment on it to Briar again, though. I think that might have been the only sentence I’ve ever heard her say that didn’t include a swear or an insult, and that was sketchier than having her cuss someone out for giving her a gift. Unfortunately, wasting time with Briar only works so well when her siblings are around, so I made my visit productive, got some fresh blooms for my gal, and headed over to Twilight’s around noon. Spike answered the door and beamed at me, happy to have me over. It wasn’t like I’d actually snapped at him in Blossom’s and Bloom’s so much as reminded him of his manners, so there were no hard feelings there.

Speaking of Blooms, my favourite one was trying to do something or other with Spike. He tried to explain it to me, but the activity was such a convoluted, impossibly labyrinthine set of steps that I tuned the fuck out. It happens. It’s probably happened to me and I didn’t notice. Spike did not notice, and that was great. Once he was done saying the things that came out of his mouth, I told him that blowing things up would get him grounded, so he explained step sixteen again and I was fuckin’ lost. It was a fuckin’ Spykoran Plan, alright. Guy came up with the most elaborate shit sometimes, but you gotta love that youth and vigor.

I hit him with a casual, “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks, we’ll probably need it. Just don’t tell Twilight that I have some of her blasting jelly, okay?”

I blinked and tried to logic what he’d said. “Blasting jelly…?”

“... I don't have any?”

“Spike-”

“It’ll be controlled!”

“Spike, my bruv, no!”

“You said good luck!”

“Mate, I’m gonna be honest with you here; I was with you until step twelve.”

“There’s thirty-nine!”

“I know,” I lied, “and that’s the only reason you were about to get away with it. Don’t blow shit up in the house, bruv, come on.”

“It’ll be like a fire cracker!”

“Don’t blow shit up. In. The fucking. House.”

“We’ll take it outside! That’s step twenty-two!”

“Well, I have a plan and step one is straight up snitching you out to Twilight so she can actually make sure it’s safe. Step two is watching over her shoulder to make sure it actually is.”

“Maaax-”

“Don’t you ‘Max’ me; It’s not hard to see that getting grounded is in your future for stealing, first of all, and second, blowing shit up.”

“You used to steal all the time-”

“I stole shit so I could eat, Spike. I stole to make money. I didn’t do it because it was a good idea, and I didn’t steal from the people I lived with. I hated my quote-unquote ‘mother’ and I didn’t steal from her, mate. Don’t use the crimes I used to commit to justify doing dangerous shit.”

“... It was worth a shot.” He scratched his cheek. “So…”

“Put it back along with anything else you took and I won’t even mention it to her.”

“Fair enough… But what do I tell Apple Bloom?”

I took a shot in the dark. “That she was right?”

He clicked his tongue. “Darn it…”

… I didn’t even want to address it, but I liked Bloom more for having a drop of common sense. “Spike, Apple Bloom’s ahead of her years. If she gives you a warning, it’s because she cares and she’s worried.”

“... Yeah, I guess… Guess I just wanted to have a cool idea too…”

“Who says your ideas aren’t cool?”

“Sweetie Be-”

Fucking- stupid bitch fucking little shite cunt fucking piece of rubbish trash whorse- “You know what I think of that- Sweetie Belle. She might be cute, but she’s trouble, Spike.”

“... You know your lip twitches every time I mention her, right?”

“It’s because I’m biting my tongue.”

He looked to the side. “You really don’t like the Belles.”

“... I have many reasons to hate what Rarity has always been, and her little sister is a smaller version of her with less makeup.”

“... Ouch…” He rubbed his arm. “That’s meaner than just saying ‘I hate Rarity’.”

“I don't know how, but I’m glad it was.”

“... You implied that you hate the fact she exists-”

“I do, Spike. I hate the fact I ever gave her a shred of my trust. That I ever let her use me in the first place.”

“... I’m… I’m gonna go hang with Apple Bloom…”

“If it tells you anything, Apple Bloom’s the best young woman I’ve met in my entire life. Don't let a keeper like that slip away from you.”

Spike nodded. “Okay. Noted… I’m…” He jerked a thumb behind his back.

“If I hear an explosion, I’m gonna be pissed.”

“Right. I’ll put everything back when Twilight goes to bed.”

“Thanks, mate.” I patted his shoulder and walked in, hearing AB’s heartbeat in the kitchen. She probably heard plenty of what I had to say, which most likely wasn’t going to turn out well for me.

In any case, I rang the chime to the basement and hung around until the green light came on. I was about to head toward Twilight when I heard Spike admit that Apple Bloom had been right all along, and the great thing? She didn’t gloat for a second. Really do love the little shite. If I had a sister like her, I’d probably be twice as mean as Macintosh just to make sure she stayed happy. There was a smile on my face when I went down to meet up with Twilight and she met mine with one of her own.

I waited a second longer for her to get her second glove off, gesturing for her to turn around so I could help her with the smock-apron thing. “It’s good to see you, Amour.”

I answered as she turned with, “Always good to see you too, Cherry. Wish I had better news and all, but still. It’s always a good day when you’re in it.”

She looked over her shoulder, but faced me since knots don't last long around me and Twilight sucks at them anyway. “What’s the news? It can’t be that bad.”

“Ah, it’s not- Well, it’s still bad, but it’s just more awkward than anything. Kind of hard to broach the subject, but I more or less promised I’d bring it to you.”

Twilight hung the PPE she still had on their appropriate hooks and officially got a little worried. “Max, is- Is something wrong with Mr. Wiggles?”

I snorted and cracked up at that. “You should tell everyone that it is okay to have problems with your balls.” I shortened the quote, but it was still from one of the greatest pieces of literature to have ever been written.

“I’m sorry, is that an Earth reference?”

“Oh, big time. Sonic High School is a glorious work made by a glorious man.”

“... It sounds a little odd, I’ll admit.”

“I had a headache by the fourth chapter, but I kept fuckin’ reading if that tells you anything.”

“It tells me that you enjoy suffering to the point.”

“Speaking of me enjoying suffering, I cut myself when I feel like shite.” Twilight looked at me funny. “Said it, promise kept; Moving on. How’s your day been?”

“... I’m sorry?”

“How’s the morning been for you?”

“... We’re not skipping the ‘cutting’ part, Max. What does that mean?” She asked, her hand resting above her heart.

“Ah, sometimes I make myself bleed to feel better, but it’s not like it’s a big deal-”

“Why?”

“It feels good, but anyway-”

“Max,” Twilight practically barked. “Will you stop trying from the subject? Whoever made you promise to talk to me about it cares about you, and I am personally worried about you… What does cutting yourself accomplish?”

I sighed and gave the conversation what it deserved. “... It makes me feel better, Twilight.”

“... So Bliss was right.” I pursed my lips and checked out the floor. Stony. “... I don’t think you need me to tell you to stop, Max… It’s literally hurting yourself, and there’s no light-hearted way to spin that… What’s wrong?”

“... A lot of things, Twilight. A lot of things.”

“... I understand that you don’t want to worry me, but… You were doing so good about sharing your feelings and now Berry Bliss is telling me that you’re lying about your ‘accidents’, Rarity won’t talk to me because she’s afraid of you, and Fluttershy came by to remind me to hold you close… Max, what’s going on?”

“... Rarity tried to slip me a Phero-Flower,” Twilight’s jaw dropped, “Fluttershy propositions me for sex every time I see her,” Her heart broke on her sleeve as I continued, “I’m still in love with Applejack, Spring Heat makes mares forget that I have you, Celestia refuses to pass a law that makes Phero-Flowers illegal, I’m still dealing with the shite from her, Luna’s been on my case with every letter about stepping up as a Baron without saying how…” I shrugged and couldn’t meet her gaze any longer. “... It just piles up, Cherry…”

“... And I didn’t do anything to help.”

“Twilight-”

“Is that why you wear long-sleeves all the time?”

“... Yeah, and for the record, it’s not your fault. It’s a choice I make-”

“I would like for you to choose to talk to me, Max…” She tried turning my face toward her but I leaned away. “... It’s not like you to be so distant…”

“Twilight…” Just say it, wanker. She already knows. “... The shite that comes out of my mouth is the most depressing shite you hear on any given day… I hate fucking your day up just to make mine a little better and still wind up feeling like shit when the sun sets…”

“It’s… Max, don’t be a jackass…” I looked at her, a questioning grin on my lips. “You act like I don’t know what I signed up for. That I didn’t know your life pretty much sucks outside of the time we spend together- I don’t know why you’re laughing, Max, I’m being serious.”

“I’m not laughing at you, just giggling at the fact that people who don’t have to live it can still see that it’s pretty shit. Even now. I’m wealthy as I’ll ever need to be, have a gorgeous, supportive girlfriend, and if I want drugs, booze, or dope in general, I can buy it cheaper here than I could in fuckin Columbia.” I shook my head. “Life still slaps the pickle, but if you can’t giggle at the little things, then what the fuck are you gonna get a smile out of?”

“... You’re so weird, Max.” She giggled a bit herself, holding onto my arms. Her smile didn’t last as long as I would’ve liked. “... I don’t know what to say or do to help, but… I’m here for you when you need me… Just… Stop convincing yourself that you have to struggle alone. I don’t know what ‘cutting’ entails beyond knowing that you’re hurting yourself to stop from being in pain, and...“ Twilight shook her head.

“... I’m sorry. I should’ve brought it to you sooner-”

“You’d only do it if you were ready to stop. I know you too well, Max, and if I ask you to make that promise, I don’t think you will.”

“... I just don’t trust myself to keep it, Twilight…”

“I know… I know, and I love you, Max, and I don’t want to see you lose an arm because a cut got infected and you think you need to deal with that alone too.”

“... I already lean on you a lot-”

“Haven’t I proven that I can bear your burden with you?”

“... You make me think of songs that I can’t listen to and that sucks.”

“What’s the song?”

“Camp Adventure by Delta Sleep. It’s not a happy song of fitting for the situation, but one of the verses just mobbed me in the fuckin’ gob…”

“Care to share?”

“The obstacles inside, should never have the right, to be part of the problem. Even though we tried, we hardly have the time, to spend in living our-lives-right. Don’t say that I could change, ‘cause even if you stayed, we’d still be climbing up this mountain…” I sang softly. “... I might have the lyrics wrong on the first verse, but it still rings home.”

“... That’s incredibly depressing, yes.” She started giggling for some reason.

“I don’t know why you’re laughing, I was being serious.”

“Because the ‘shite’ that comes out of your mouth might just be the saddest stuff I hear!” Twilight smiled at me, reaching up to brush my cheek with her thumb while she tried not to laugh. I was pretty amused at that point. “Can I tell you something that Mom used to say to me all the time?”

“I’m all ears, Cherry.”

“‘You’re only so depressed because you pay too much attention. There might be clouds in the sky, but the silver linings are what’s important, Twily.’... There were a couple years that I studied under Celestia that were just the absolute worst in my life, but I never knew why… Mom used to tell me that all the time, and I get it now; When you open your eyes, there’s a lot to be sad about. That’s why they call it ‘blissfully ignorant’.”

“Christ, that’s depressing as fuck!” I cracked up along with her and she hugged me. “So we have to be blind and dumb to be happy?”

“No, silly! You have to have selective tunnel vision.” My lovely, absolute madlass of a girlfriend looked at me like it was obvious. “I didn’t pull out of my slump until I stopped paying as much attention to how awful the ponies in the castle were. How arrogant most of Canterlot was, even without anything to back it up. Why don’t you give me more attention instead of wasting it on bleh!?”

“Twilight, I- I can drop by more often if that’s what you mean-”

“And I’ll be happy to have you since that means I can distract you from your problems…” She bit her lip and glanced at me. “But um… Why is Rarity’s eye swollen?”

“Applejack.” Twilight pumped her fist and my jaw dropped. “Twilight, what in the utter fuck.”

“Well, it’s not like I was gonna do it. Rarity deserved a punch, Applejack saved me the trouble and hits a lot harder than I do.” I was thunderstruck. “I’m still teleporting into her house and writing ‘whorse’ on all her mirrors for being one.”

“Goddamn, I love you more by the second and I thought you were topped out…”

“There’s always room to grow, just like there’s always room for tea and cake.”

I smiled, not sure of what other expression to wear. “... So I didn’t ruin your day?”

“If anything, I’m a little happier that I know the truth now instead of hearing ‘I was drunk and fucked up’ again… I know you won’t lie to me and that, Max, is the only reason you skated by with that excuse. Now that I know… I’m not going to let it go without a comment, and I know that’s going to make you uncomfortable. I’m not asking for a promise, but I am asking you to stop.”

“... I’ll try. I promise you that.”

“I could hardly ask for-” There was a faint pop from upstairs. “What the heck- Max?”

I was already charging toward the stairs and Spike was there. “Boy-”

“It wasn’t me, I swear!”

“Then who the fuck is exploding things!?”

“Spike, I think that was a Sweetie Bomb!” Apple Bloom called from the library.

I heard Twilight rounding the corner to come up the stairs. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“Bout to find out, Cherry.” I patted Spike’s chest and he moved, letting me get to the front door. The stoop was fine, the tree was fine, but the neighbours? The sweet, elderly Mr. and Mrs. Leaf were crying outside their house, the whole fucking front of the thing covered in glitter, white shite, and fucking rhinestones.

One of the town guards saw me as I approached, waving. “Baron! It looks like we have a prankster!”

I waved back. “This isn’t a prank; Vandalism is not a prank.” I brushed past the lady and went straight to the Leaf’s. “Oi, are you two alright?”

Mr. Leaf shook his head. “We’re fine, but that was an awful spook… Just plain ol’ mean.”

“My begonias! They’re gonna die!” Miss Leaf wailed. “Who would do such a thing!?”

“A filly who’s gonna spend a night in a cell, if I have anything to say about it,” I grunted. “Did you see anything before the boom?”

Mr. Leaf shook his head. “Not at all. Everything’s been normal.”

“Did you have any visitors before it happened?”

“Well… Now that you mention it, there was that filly. Um… What was her name dear?”

“Who cares!?” Mrs. Leaf bellowed. “My perennials too!”

Mr. Leaf gave me an apologetic smile as Twilight touched my arm. “Sorry, Mr. Baron, but I don’t know myself-”

“Who’s gonna fix this!”

I looked at Twilight and she smiled, going to the hysteric old lady while I waved over the guard and brought Mr. Leaf a few steps away from his wife. “Mr. Leaf, do you remember what the filly looked like?”

“Ah, I know who she is, I just don’t remember her name. She’s that seamstress’s little sister.”

The guard hummed. “Sweetie Belle?”

Mr. Leaf snapped his fingers. “Yes! That’s her! She came by asking for some kind of donation for a school trip, but I thought she sounded a little too…”

“Sketchy?” I deadpanned.

“Mm, I do hate to say it about such a polite young filly-”

“Mr. Leaf, she set off the explosion in front of your house because you didn’t pay her. Smiling faces? Sometimes they don’t tell the truth.”

His own face fell and the guard cleared her throat. “Let’s not go pointing fingers now-”

“What’s your name?” I asked flatly.

“Pear Blossom, Sir.”

“For the record, my name is Max, and do you know Sweetie Belle?

I can’t say that I do, but I know what she looks like-” I pointed at the house. “... Yes?”

“Pear, the paint is her colour scheme; Mane and coat. Apple Bloom, one of her best friends, called it a Sweetie Bomb.” Pear started looking squirrely the more I stared her down. “Sweetie Belle herself was here asking for money. For a school trip. Do you know the funny thing about that?”

“W-Well, it’s a little odd that the school would-”

“The school would not make its students gather funds for a trip because it’s funded by the Crown. Look me in the eye and tell me you think there’s another person half as suspicious as Sweetie Belle right now.” Pear looked away. “Go do your damn job and arrest her. I’ll be at the cop shop in three hours. Find her or I accept that you are completely inept to carry the title of Equestrian Guard and vie against your mental aptitude for the task.”

Pear wrung her hands. “S-Sir, that… That’s not really fair.”

“Is it fair that Sweetie Belle vandalized these lovely, elderly Ponies’ home? For not falling for her scam? Because I don’t think that’s very fair at all, Madam, and I defy you to bring me anything less than the perpetrator of this crime.” Christ, I sound like a fuckin’ cunt, but… Do your damn job, you fuckin’ spastic chimpleton.

Pear saluted and fucked off then and there, and Mr. Leaf asked, “Mr. Baron…?”

“Yes, Sir? I apologize for making you see that, but I cannot comprehend how an officer of the law couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together.”

Mr. Leaf offered me a handshake. “I moved here. I’m not a Ponyvillian, Sir. That’s my wife.”

I took his offer gladly. “They do tend to be a touch oblivious.”

“Just a touch… But I really appreciate your backbone, Mr. Baron. Hopefully that wake-up call doesn’t come back to bite you.”

“It will. It most certainly will, but I’ll not stand for this nonsense in a town that I’m supposed to own.”

“... You are a good one. Stay golden, young stallion.”

“Stay watchful, Sir. We need more of you around town.”

He shot me a wink and walked off toward his wife who was mourning the fact that Twilight couldn’t separate the paint from the dirt. I didn’t know much about gardening, but I sure as hell understood that all of her efforts were still going to die in the tainted soil and the look on Twilight’s face told me that there wasn’t much she could do about it. I tucked my right arm under my left and pinched the bridge of my nose. At the very least it wasn’t my fuck-up, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t pitch in to fix it. Twilight and Mr. Leaf were trying to console Mrs. Leaf to no avail, and I knew that they weren’t going to be able to clear her heart with their methods.

I strode up to her, stood there until she looked at me, then put my finger on her nose. “M-Mr. Baron-”

“Ma’am, I will personally replace the soil and purchase replacements for your garden out of my own pocket. I promise you, your hard work, love, and devotion isn’t going to be ruined on my watch. Not while I can do something about it.”

Twilight held her hands over her heart and I wondered what the fuck kind of look she was giving me until Mr. Leaf chimed in with, “S-Sir, that’s… That’s going to cost you nearly fifty bits in loam alone…”

“I know,” I lied.

He stared at me. “Th- The flowers were a little rare-”

“The only Nipponese Lilies I’ve ever seen and the only Firestar Perennials in town, yeah?” The old fellow gave me a nod, looking at me like I was supposed to give a shit about the price. “Get me an estimate on the value of everything in that garden, and yes Sir, I will purchase replacements. Whether I put the money in your hands or I do it myself, you will be able to get your garden back.”

Mr. Leaf openly gaped as Mrs. Leaf let out the longest squee I’d heard to date. “Oh! Mr. Baron, I don’t know how to thank you-”

“Start by calling me Max. This ‘Baron’ crap makes me feel all kinds of snobby and stuck-up. I eat my food one bite at a time, clean my house room by room, and my trousers are not the kind you want to try jumping into with both legs.” She giggled, beaming at me while dabbing at her eyes with a hankie. “Like I said, I’ll take care of it. Go have a cuppa and relax a while, yeah? You might get called to Court, but I also have some friends who might be willing to do a house-call to save you the trouble.”

“Mr.- Mr. Max… May I hug you?” The old lady asked.

Fuck. Yes. Grandma hug! “Yes Ma’am, I believe you may.”

I got my hug, intercepted the Chief of Con- Guard Chief and prepared for some bullshit as I approached her and left Twilight to handle and listen to the Leaf’s. However, the bullshit evidently wasn’t coming, not from Tough Cookie. “Baron, I have to say, your deduction was simply…”

“Simple?” I asked, having met her closer to the street than the house.

She chuckled. “With all due respect, that was a line of questioning we wouldn’t have thought of.”

“In your defence, Ponyville’s crime scene is either incredibly quiet or non-existent.”

Tough Cookie sucked air through her teeth. “Non-existent is more accurate… Sir-”

“Just call me Max, Ma’am.”

“Alright. Max… None of the guards want to arrest Sweetie Belle. We have a few looking for her since it was your order, but…”

“Are you going to let her get away with setting off a bomb in your town?”

“... The damage was fixable-”

“The Leaf’s garden is completely ruined. The house is still sparkling, and that soil and those flowers are dying as we speak. I’ve checked out the Leaf’s garden once or twice and I personally know Briar Rose.” Tough Cookie winced. “Briar herself valued that garden at nearly two hundred bits in flowers alone.”

“... Ouch.”

“Were you informed of why Sweetie Belle committed a crime against these kind elderly Ponies?”

“... N-No, but-”

“She was asking for money for a school trip.” Tough Cookie gave me a look. “Yes. A school trip.”

“Schools are funded by taxes; Why would she-” Her face told me that it hit her and the sadness in her expression wasn’t really appropriate for the situation in my eyes. “No…”

“Yes Ma’am, that filly was trying to scam good, honest Ponies out of their money, vandalized their home, destroyed their property, and is going to lie about it on top of that. Do you understand why she is not escaping legal action?” Tough Cookie bit her lip, so I continued. “This won’t go on her record since it’s a first offence, but we are going to scare her out of doing it again. She’ll spend twenty-four hours in a cell like the criminal she is, she will eat jailbird food, and if she can, she will sleep on her actions.”

“... Well, that’s a lot more… Appropriate, when you explain it like that. I understand, Sir, and your orders will be carried out. If not me myself, then Mayor Mary will notify you when we have her in custody.”

I nodded, feeling shittier than I wanted to for making people do the right thing. “I don’t expect anyone to be particularly happy about this, but it’s necessary. Any single one of the actions Sweetie Belle saw fit to take against the Leaf’s would be an arrestable offence whether in Canterlot or in my homeland. I think a mock-court session and some time to think will do her a lot of good.”

“... It’s going to ruin that filly’s reputation, Max.”

“She sure tried hard to do that, didn’t she?”

Tough Cookie sighed and pulled a face. “... Are you sure this has nothing to do with her sister?”

I furrowed my brow. “What makes you ask? Has Rarity done something similar?”

“Max, let’s be honest with each other-”

“Cookie, regardless of how I feel about Rarity, Sweetie Belle committed Fraud, Vandalism, and Destruction of Property. Do you think I give a shite about her big sister when Sweetie Belle herself committed three crimes in one hour? Are you going to argue against felony Destruction of Property when the garden was worth more than your monthly earnings?”

She grinned, but it was clear that she wasn’t happy. “Bad apples, both of ‘em.”

“I visit with the Apple Family often. You’re gonna be hard-pressed to convince me that one of them is bad. The Belles are spoiled milk.”

Cookie bit her lips and tried not to giggle, which didn’t last long anyway since I wasn’t laughing with her. “Fair enough. We’ll get her, Mister- Mr. Max.”

I nodded. “If you can’t find her, then I’ll be at the Town Hall anyway with Twilight. We’ll track her down if we have to.”

“... How quiet do you think this is gonna stay in Ponyville…?” She asked, giving me an odd look. “Three ponies have already told me that there was an explosion over here, and two more mentioned that the local Baron was storming out of the library, ready to hit someone.”

I puffed a chuckle at that. “Gossips. Gotta love the grapevine, yeah?”

Cookie nodded. “They help keep things quiet around here, I’ll say that much. I need to take off, but can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“... Were you ever approached in an alley-”

“By two Ponies and a Gryphon. Yeah, I made them regret attacking me in an act of self-defence. No, I don’t care how they’re doing. Yes, I stabbed the Gryphon because his fingers are knives.”

Cookie nodded, an uneasy smile on her face. “... You got attacked by three ponies and won. Operatives are terrifying…” I was grinning, but my brows were trying to meet in the middle while I parsed that one out. “No offence, of course, but that’s scary. You… Really don’t seem like the fighting type, Max.”

“I don’t if I don’t have to. Pain hurts, Cookie, and fighting involves pain, which hurts.” Not that I just had to come out to Twilight about cutting, but whatevs.

“That is a point so fair, I’m going to leave it where it lies because I can’t pretend that you’re not completely and totally correct. Take care, Max.”

“Take care, Cookie, and keep up the good work.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes as she turned. “Yeah, this from the guy who solved the case in five minutes.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that because… Who was actually stupid enough to not put that equation together? Shite on a kite, if that went over their heads, then it was no wonder that crime wasn’t a problem; They didn’t see a crime where there was one. I watched Cookie fuck off and considered why the fuck I still lived in Ponyville when the main reason hugged my arm and smiled at me. The warmth in Twilight’s eyes was a far cry from the similar expression she’d worn in the basement. It was a proud glow rather than one of kindness, and I claimed a kiss without saying a word as my prize for having common sense.

“Max… That was really kind, offering to pay for the damages…” Twilight intoned softly. “Nopony would’ve looked at you any different if you didn’t, and… It was really kind, Max.”

“I have the money to take care of it. I’d make Rarity pay on Sweetie’s behalf since it’s how England works, but the Leaf’s are sweet and harmless. They shouldn’t have to deal with Rarity, and they won’t unless she comes by to apologize.”

Twilight sighed, but still seemed to be in a pretty great mood, all things told. “So it was Sweetie Belle?”

“It was a Sweetie Bomb that went off after she tried to scam the Leaf’s. There’s no doubt about it.”

“How did you figure it out?”

You are such a smart Pony, but still. Still a Pony, my love. “Apple Bloom knew what the bomb was, and all I had to do was ask the Leaf’s if anyone had visited today.”

“When did you talk to Apple Bloom?” She asked, confused.

“She shouted that it looked like a Sweetie Bomb when I got up the stairs-”

“Speaking of that, why were you mad at Spike?” Twilight asked, furrowing her brow. “You were absolutely livid when you ran off…”

“He mentioned something pretty dumb, and it sounded like an idea that would blow up in his face-”

Cherry scratched her cheek and interrupted with, “What kind of dumb idea?”

“He lost me by step twelve, honestly, but I clocked back in at the end and he mentioned a controlled explosion of something or other. I don’t know if he was making popcorn or a firework, but it didn’t sound like a good idea. Controlled explosions in general are never all that controlled.” Twilight’s face went a little blank and a wobbly smile came across her face, tears working their way into her eyes. “... Are you alri-”

Twilight glomped me and squeezed. “I-love-you, Max! You’re the best special-somepony I could have!”

That’s both depressing and confusing. “I love you too…?”

She cupped my cheeks in her hands and let me wipe the couple of tears that fell. “You don’t even know what you did, but that just makes it better!”

“If you’re talking about looking out for Spike, then it’s not really something I consider worth thanking me over. I love the kid like the little brother I never had; He’s usually got a good head on his shoulders anyway. It doesn’t make any sense for me to not support him or correct him when the moment calls for either.”

Twilight nodded and smiled at me, being a touch melodramatic if you wanted my opinion. No one asked, so I didn’t say shit. “... You’re gonna make a great Dad someday, Max.”

It was a compliment. I took it as one, but that didn’t stop me from practically freezing from the inside out. “Thanks…”

I got another kiss for… Dad stuff? I guess…? In any case, Twilight and I went inside to find Apple Bloom acting super casual while having every holey excuse an honest gal could come up with to keep us in the kitchen until Spike got done putting shite back. With his arrival in the kitchen came a nod in my direction, so I shot him a smile and the up-nod. Spike really was a good kid at heart, but like all kids, they fuck up every now and again. Unlike Sweetie Belle, however, I knew that Spike had probably thought it was okay at some level since Twilight ate his snacks all the time unless they were gems. It was the main reason that when Twilight asked about him blowing things up, I slid in with a clean, clipped truth and let Spike pick it up from there. His big sister still warned him about blowing things up in the house, but he came up with another plan that she absolutely approved of on the basis that she gets to supervise.

With that sip of spaz-brain dealt with, I filled Spike and Bloom in on what happened and more or less talked them into snitching Sweetie out for the scam she’d been running for weeks. The Leaf’s weren’t the first, it was just that Mr. Leaf, as he said, wasn’t a Ponyville… Pony? Anyway, he paid too much attention for her shite to work, unlike most of the other citizens. Hell, he probably would’ve blamed her first if he wasn’t old, a touch forgetful, worried about his house, and trying to console his wife. Such is life and all. In any case, I made my new opinion of Sweetie Belle clear; She had no reason to be stealing. Rarity made plenty of money and gave her a great allowance. While there are things in life that we want, running a con for the sole purpose of fucking people over for one’s own benefit? I mean, fuck. I was starving on the streets and could never take more than a hundred pounds from someone dumb enough to dick around on the cup game for more than a few matches.

There really isn’t much honour among thieves and I have to say that I had decent morals for one. They didn’t stop me from robbing people, but I was also homeless and my only other option was the foster system, which was a goddamn rape/abuse factory from what I could gather from ex-foster kids and current ones. I could’ve got lucky and found some parents willing to deal with my baggage. I could’ve been adopted by someone not chasing a cheque. Neither were likely unless my luck decided to spike, and I’d never liked relying on luck… It just really… Pisses me off. Ponyville, of all places… Of all fuckin’ places to con people; Ponyville. I can’t pretend that the place is flawless, but for a female Pony? Come the fuck on. Seriously.

In any case, I let Bloom know that she was just as grounded as Spike the second we got to the farm, and neither of them could say much. They were guilty by accomplice on the basis of knowing that Sweetie Belle was doing wrong and saying nothing about it. Not to me, not to Twilight, and not to the Apple Family. I understood that they didn’t want their friend in trouble and explained as much. Spike attempted to point out my own rap sheet, so I inquired about the crimes I’d committed on Equus and followed up with the differences between England and Equestria. He couldn’t defend his point because I at least had a premise for stealing, even if there wasn’t much of a valid reason for it in general. Sweetie Belle was robbing people because it was fun to her.

I was in the middle of explaining how robbing people for fun was absolutely depraved when I got the letter I was waiting for an hour or so ahead of schedule. Spike knew Mary and he was in trouble anyway, so he sent my reply and I asked Twilight if she wanted me to swing by for the night. The incredibly… Motherly glare she had been giving Spike since we found out that they knew about the scam got turned my way. Her words were clipped for the first few until she took a breath and calmed down a bit.

Twilight was rubbing her temples. “You’re always welcome, Max, but…” She trailed off.

“Spike, your room. Bloom? I’ll see you in a sec on the stoop.” They stood around after I’d told them what to do. “Oi, no one was asking.”

“Yes Sir…” Bloom glanced at Spike as he took her hand.

He shot her a ‘this totally sucks’ kind of look. He gave his attention back to me. “Max… We won’t make the same mistake twice. I promise.”

I nodded. “I understand that. Go to your room.” He nodded back and led the way out of the kitchen, sharing one more look with Apple Bloom before they went their separate ways. Twilight started to speak, but I held up a hand. “Both of you; Quit fucking around!”

Twilight’s eyes widened until she heard the front door close and Spike charge upstairs, looking both directions as the kids got it through their heads. “... That- Stars above, Max… You didn’t even check!”

“Cherry, I can hear your heartbeat at my front door from my parlour.”

“Wow. That’s… Handy… So… What do you think…” She bit her lip.

“I think we should put Spike on ice for two weeks. If it was stealing candy or something, I would hardly give a shit and I’d say a week since it’s still stealing. There’s no telling just how much dirty money Sweetie Belle has or has already spent. This is a legitimate crime. Even when I conned people out of money, it was legal. Not moral, but legal.”

“... Okay, how was stealing money from somepony legal in England?”

“I offered people a game of chance or skill. Cards or the cup game. I never walked up to anyone or went to someone’s house with my kit; I’d stand on the street and sell the game until someone came to play. Cops used to drop by since my game was legit. The coins I used were always under a cup; It was up to your eyes and ears to get the right one. Yes, it was still a con, but it was street-gambling through and through. Sweetie Belle was using a fraudulent claim to scam money out of people. The difference is that there was a chance you could get a couple pounds off me in a game if you were good and lucky. Sweetie Belle offers nothing other than lies, takes the money, and if she doesn’t get it? Evidently she retaliates against you for being honest and smart.”

Twilight tilted her head, nodding. “... Why didn't you just have people play your cup game instead of stealing?”

“I could never make more than a hundred pounds off a person without having to let them win some of their money back, and abusing people who like to gamble never sat well with me. If I just stole some rich old bastard’s watch, I knew he could probably afford to replace it more than a habitual gambler, and a truly awful gambler is usually a thief anyway. It was more or less doing the least amount of harm I could manage.”

“It just sounds to me like you should’ve stolen from thieves-”

“But if I took their money, then they stole from the people closest to them. It’s not fair to the people I can’t see, and yeah, it’s convoluted logic, but it kept me out of jail more than once.”

Twilight rubbed her cheeks. “Right… So… Would you- Well, were you ever arrested?”

“Ah, a few times. I was too smart and had too many connections to let a charge stick. I did get popped for dumpster diving went I was younger-”

“What- What does that mean?”

“Ah, it was illegal to dig through someone’s trash.”

“... Why would you?”

“Food.”

“... Your life sucked!”

I shrugged. “The present is what matters. Someone smart told me that not too long ago.”

Twilight blushed a little and her lips curved, but the emotion wasn’t really behind it. “... The more I think about it-”

“Cherry, your battles don’t need to leave you damaged for the rest of your life to be battles. I had no right to minimalize your troubles or come after you for what you had no control over. I am sorry for that, and I’ll mind my fuckin’ bullshit the next time it wants to come out. Still, what are we doing while Spike’s grounded?”

She lifted a hand to her mouth. “... We?”

“I’m with you in this, as I will be in whatever you want me involved in. Even then, you might not want me involved and I’ll still meddle to try and make it easier on you.”

“... Thank you, Max… I’ve… I’ve never actually had to punish Spike, so… Can we tone it down a little? Half of an entire month is a little long when he didn’t technically do anything…”

“I’m with you, but it’s still your call at the end of the day. I can say whatever I want; It’s up to you what we do.”

“Then… I say one week, no comics and… A book report a day?”

“It’s light if you ask me, even for a first timer. That being said, I’m gonna have to go up against AJ, Macintosh, and Granny with a week of being grounded on my lips.”

Twilight didn’t seem to get it. “What about the book reports?”

“Cherry, I’m pretty sure AB is dyslexic. She can write just fine most of the time, but I’ve seen that girl in legitimate pain after having to sit down and try to do assigned reading. If I know the Apple Family at all, they’d rather just call it at a spanking and double her chores while she’s grounded.”

“... Applejack does have a lot of… Unfortunate stories…”

“Ironically enough, I think she’s dyslexic too, just with numbers.”

“What is dyslexic?”

“Ah, it’s a mental thing that makes it hard to read in general. Letters, words, or numbers jumble themselves in your eyes and it’s like trying to read while drunk, but being completely sober. It’ll make you pretty prone to headaches in school and the dyslexic guys I knew would take two minutes to get through a few paragraphs, depending on whether they were high or sober.”

“That… I couldn't imagine! Not being able to read!?”

“It’s not an inability, it’s difficulty. Apple Bloom’s probably smarter than Fluttershy and Rainbow, it just hurts her head to read.”

Twilight nodded, still seeming pretty alarmed. “Isn’t there something we can do?”

“Not for that particular thing, no. However, we could save her a ‘tanned hide’ with two weeks since I can argue with that and more chores as my points. It’s not fair if she gets hit with the whole library and we just throw a- Well, several books at Spike.”

“... You’re always thinking ahead and I appreciate that… But if I tell Spike that-”

“He’s an accomplice to two misdemeanours and a felony?”

Her jaw would’ve hit the floor like the Shorty and her apple-bottom jeans if it wasn’t attached to such a cute face. Twilight thought about it and she didn’t have to think long. “... Whoa. This- This got really serious really fast…”

“Twi, I wouldn’t have had her arrested over a poorly planned prank.”

She nodded. “Two weeks. Definitely. And I think the rafters need dusted. And behind the books!” Twilight folded her arms.

… I… This country- Fuck, is it just Ponyville that doesn’t think? No she’s from Canterlot and AJ thinks. Fucking… I need to hit Fancy and Fleur up sometime. The sense is so common with them. My inner monologue kind of made me question Twilight’s actual intelligence, but it was mean and I didn’t like thinking less of her. “Of course. I’m gonna grab Bloom. Meet me at Town Hall in…” I looked at her clock, seeing that it was stopped. “Oi, you need to change the crystal in that.”

“Oh, I keep forgetting about it. Spike and I don't actually look at it that often.”

I pulled out my pocket watch like I should’ve. “Ah, shite… I’m gonna be cutting it close and I don’t have my Dragon Fire on me. Can you teleport a note to Mary instead of having Spike do it? I’ll write it.”

“Sure, it’s no problem.”

I scratched out a quick explanation of my game plan and passed the note along to Twilight. She asked if she could read it and it didn’t matter to me, which is what I said. I left before she got started and caught Apple Bloom looking some kind of miserable, leaning against the railing when I came out. “Oi, Spike’s got two weeks and I’ll be talking to Twilight about the other bits. So far it’s a book report a day.”

Bloom grinned a little, relieved on his behalf. “Good… Spike wanted to say something to you about it; He doesn’t deserve a whoopin’.”

“No, he certainly does according to me, but I know for a fact that Twilight won’t do it and he’s not my blood.” AB bit her lips, looking a bit scared. “Unless she tells me to, I don’t feel I have the right, so I’m going to ask you right now, Bloom, because I still love you; Do you want me to fight for you to get book reports, or do you just want to get spanked? Because I honestly think you deserve a choice.”

She rubbed her arms. “... Depends on who's doin’ the whoopin’...”

“Macintosh swings harder, but Applejack does more, yeah?”

“Well, it’s always five licks with Mac, but yeah… He’s too big to be whoopin’ Ponies…”

“Then I’ll put my foot down my throat to have Applejack do it.” She offered me a look of gratitude, as troubled as she was. “... Bloom-”

“I know, Max… I can’t be friends with Sweetie if she doesn’t change…”

Her lips trembled and I wanted to hug her and tell her that it was alright. I wanted to get the bullshit over with because she was already going be in deeper shite than Spike would ever be in around Twilight, and that wasn’t fucking fair… Not by a long, long shot. She didn’t need an ‘I told you so ten different times!’, she needed a fuckin’ shoulder to lean on because one of her two closest friends was rotten. Her friend who proved time and time again to be the biggest piece of shit in her life, even above myself and her former bullies, kept trying to rope her into trouble. God for-fuckin’-bid any of the Galpal-tosspots actually notice that Sweetie was a conniving shit-starter… I didn’t know what it was like to have my best friend try and cut me out of a relationship or fuck me over constantly… But I fucking know that betrayal all the same, and it wasn’t even affecting Spike…

… She was in trouble. I needed to stay firm like I knew I could be with Spike, but Christ… He was going to have it easy as shit compared to Bloom… What kind of man can I fucking call myself for kicking a teenager while she’s down and her heart’s already breaking…?

Point-blank? Not a man I’d be proud of. That’s for damn sure.

Apple Bloom was barely keeping it together, and bravo for her fuckin’ efforts. I knelt in front of her and she let me have her hands. “Bloom, you’re short.”

She sniffled. “You’re just tall…”

“And since I’m so tall, it’s not hard to see things a lot of people can’t. You fucked up, but… This isn’t going to be anywhere near fair to you… But I’m staking whatever my name and honour means on this when I say I will go down everyone’s throat to keep it fair. I swear, Bloom, I have your back covered. It’s up to you to learn from this, okay?”

AB nodded, tearing up. “I-I’m sorry, Max- I- I ain’t- I ain’t mean to let it get this far.”

“I know. If I didn’t think you’d tried to get Sweetie Belle to think about what she was doing, then… Shit, I can’t say I wouldn’t still back you up.” Don’t smile don’t smile don't-

Bloom gave my grin right back to me. “... Why?”

“Because Applejack and Macintosh-” I closed my eyes. “... We’re going to Granny first.”

She gasped. “B-But… It’s Granny…”

I snorted. “And she’s the coolest head in the house, Apple Bloom. She’s also the one person that won’t legitimately murder me that absolutely terrifies me. Granny doesn’t take bullshit, and this whole situation reeks. I think she’ll be your best bet.”

Bloom bit her lips. “... I trust ya, Max… But blood is blood, and I don’t want ya gettin’ the stink eye from Mac and Jack every time you see ‘em after today.”

“I know damn well that this can blow up in my face, Bloom… Even if it does… I couldn’t say I love you if I shut my loud mouth now of all times.” She nodded and it felt like what needed to be said was on the table, save for an actual plan. “Alright. How the fuck do we get into your house without running into Macintosh and AJ first?”

“... Backdoor? Granny’s always in the kitchen or livin’ room.”

“Then we’ll hop the fence and skirt around.”

She nodded again and I rose. She didn’t need me to tell her to get a move on, but she caught my sleeve before we got far. “Max…?”

“Yeah?”

“... Thank you.”

I mussed up her mane and she gave me the same look she always did, fixing her bow. “I’ll go to bat for you when you need me, Bloom. I respect you enough to do it.”

That seemed to shock her a bit, but it was true. The gal had the work ethic, common sense, and sensibilities of someone twice her age. Like I’ve already written and said, it wasn’t fair that she was going to get hit when Sweetie Belle herself would hardly have consequences with any real importance from Rarity. Spike, who’d done the same thing she was in trouble for, was getting a stern finger in his face and little else. There wasn’t any logic that I could follow that would allow me to sit idly by while one of the four minors I actually value an opinion from got smacked. Not when the other two involved had either less of my respect or had my ire and weren’t going to get an equal punishment.

Apple Bloom and I didn’t talk as we hurried along the alternate route toward Sweet Apple Acres. It was relatively quick since Bloom can actually speed the fuck up unlike pretty much everyone else I associated with outside of the Apple Family. In any case, we made it without a problem and I had AB hang back for a sec since I could listen to the conversation inside. It was Applejack and Granny going on about the oddness of the explosion in town, so I gave her the nod and let her enter first.

“Hey, Bloom, why’d ya come in through the back?” Applejack asked, giving her attention to me with a confused look on her face. “And… Don’t you kinda got business, Max?”

“Family matters before business,” I answered, using a soft neutral tone.

Applejack’s brow furrowed for a second and her smile was gone soon after. “Apple Bloom-”

“Oi, it’s not what you think-”

“Then just what is it?” She practically growled. “‘Cause talk of the town is that some kinda glittery bomb went off on the Leaf’s house and Golden Oaks is right there.”

“Apple Bloom helped solve the crime, AJ. Please; It’s not that serious.”

Granny made a curious noise. “You came in through the back to tell me whatever it is first ‘cause my grandbabies are hotheads.”

Applejack shot her a look until I said, “Yes, Ma’am, you’re completely correct.”

My favourite Earth Pony tried to defend herself with, “My temper ain’t that bad.”

“You were about to snatch Bloom up without hearing a thing she had to say, AJ,” I replied, raising my hands. “Let me explain everything and then get mad.”

“... I’m gettin’ there already, Max. Gettin’ there quick-like.” Granny glared at Applejack while the younger mare wasn’t looking, but I didn’t fuckin’ dare. I made a small gesture toward Granny and AJ chilled out the second she saw the look on the Matriarch of the family’s face.

“You’re awful quick to tan a hide, Jaqueline.” Granny Smith was way too relaxed. And by fuck did I regret my choice until she looked at me and addressed me. “Some of the oldies in the Quiltin’ Club mentioned Sweetie Belle comin’ around askin’ for bits. I don’t care what for. I was waitin’ to hear it from Bloom’s mouth, ‘cause I know she knew. Bloom ain’t a bad filly, but that Sweetie Belle is spoiled milk curdlin’ into somethin’ rotten. I’m guessin’ Sweetie Belle went ahead and painted the Leaf’s lawn when Oak Leaf thought she was shady.”

I swallowed and it was not an easy task. Like, I wasn’t in trouble, but I was in the room and I did not want to be. “... Yes Ma’am, that’s the gist of… Pretty much everything.” Fucking Christ. Fuck.

Granny looked to Bloom. “You got anything to add, Apple Bloom?”

“... I… I just didn't want Sweetie to get in trouble…”

“You’re still ‘bout half as guilty as she is, even if you told her it was dumb.” Granny Smith looked at me. “I’m gonna take one guess as to why you’re here in the first place, and I don’t want no shit. Don't need no fluff, either. Are you here because you don’t want Bloom to get hit?”

“... It’s not fair, Granny.”

“Don't really care, Maximus.”

“... I do.”

“I love ya, Sugar, but it ain’t your house.”

“Spike knew too-”

“And Twilight’s handlin’ it as she sees fit. I appreciate that and whatever big brother feelin’s you got in your heart for Bloom, but mind your own damn business. You’re a friend. Not family.”

… Should’ve seen that coming. “It’s not right, Granny, and you know it’s unnecessary.”

“You questionin’ me, colt?”

Applejack took her hat off and her sister followed her in staring at the floorboards. Granny stared me down and I knew the right answer. I knew damn fucking well that she was about to Magic School Bus her way into fucking with my head. Granny never struck me as imposing, but her sheer willingness to remind a person of their place and humble them in the same breath had been a fact I was long since aware of. God forbid I actually be stupid enough to say ‘Yes’ on any level. The answer I needed was on the tip of my tongue and Granny knew it.

… But I made a Goddamn promise. “Yes, Ma’am. I’m questioning you.”

AJ went rigid and AB started sidling toward her while Granny looked me in the eye. Again, I wasn’t afraid of her because she could hurt me; Anyone could do that. As fragile as my psyche can be…? It just wasn’t worth going against a verbal assassin. “Run that by me again.”

“... Yes,” She narrowed her eyes at me, “I question punishing Apple Bloom harder than both other guilty parties.”

Granny raised a finger and it was in my face as she said, “You. Ain’t. Family. Last time I checked, your pasty hide didn’t have a lick o’ fur on it. Your name ain’t got ‘Apple’ nowhere in it. Just why do you think you can say a damn word about how we handle business?”

“... Because this is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a family.”

“Play pretend somewhere else, then. You ain’t blood, colt, and you never will be.”

I squared my jaw, hurting. Fucking hurting. Again. I pushed Granny’s finger down and leaned in, because this? This was bullshit and I take. No. Bullshit. “Get it through that thick, decrepit skull you walking worm-bed; If I ain’t family here, then I got no reason to be nice. You wanna war with me? I’ll plough that sorry, wrinkled, autistic bullshit right outta yer stinkin’, dozy pillock, half-drunk head. I promised Bloom I’d have her back, and I. Keep. My. Word.”

She kissed my nose. “You tryin’ to be scary or somethin’?”

“I’m tryna get a point across, init?”

Granny raised a brow at me and gently pushed me back. “While I respect that, you got five to apologize.”

“I’ve got three hundred years until killing myself works. Test me, because I will be your undying nightmare.”

Granny Smith blinked. She looked at her clearly terrified grandchildren, then back to me, pursing her lips. “... Well, shit. That usually works.”

I reined it in as best I could, but fuck… “I love Apple Bloom like a sister, and you know damn well I’m never gonna have blood on this planet, Granny. I’m never really gonna have a family, but… Fuck! I can still love someone like they are…”

She put a hand on my arm, laying another on my chest. “I went a little far, Max. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” I replied tersely.

“Go get your business done, Sugar. Bloom ain’t gettin’ whooped, but she’s still grounded more than a tree’s roots.” I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. “... I didn’t mean too much of that, Max, just thought it got my point across best, okay? You’re alright, Sugar. It’s okay. You’re still welcome here, and blood or not; You’re still part of the family.” Granny patted my cheek. “You’re alright.”

I didn’t reply and took my leave, having a moment to myself because… She didn’t have to hit me with that one, and we both knew it. I would’ve backed down if she told me to get out at any point. I would’ve backed down if she pulled the age card. I… There were a lot of ways she could’ve told me to fuck off, but like I fuckin’ said; Granny isn’t the force she is because she’ll break your arm. She’ll rip your heart in half and convince you that you did it to yourself. On one hand, the end result was what I wanted. On the other, Granny checked me so hard I didn’t even want to show my face to anything other than a bowl or a bottle. I did have shite to take care of and I’d said that I’d handle it, so I got started down the path toward town.

The Town Hall was more lively than I’d seen it in a while, mainly because there were more than like, two people in the lobby. One of the people was the receptionist whose name I couldn’t remember. One was Tough Cookie, who was staring down Rarity like she was waiting for a reason to cuff her, especially as the seamstress made a fuss and repeated herself like, four times to get the same fuckin’ answers from Tough Cookie. Mary was there and she looked incredibly tired, along with a couple of the other people present.

“Oi.” I called as I came toward the center of the room.

Rarity paused and turned toward me, her hand going to her eye. “... Max?”

“Yeah, your sister committed three crimes in one go, Rarity. She’s sitting in a cell until tomorrow.”

“Max…” She drew herself up, probably thinking she had a point to make. “I understand that we’ve had our differences-”

“If this was about you, I’d roll you myself, love. Sweetie Belle. Committed. Three. Crimes,” I explained slowly. “Two misdemeanours, one of which she’s committed multiple times. One felony, which, according to the report I got, caused two-hundred and sixty-eight bits worth of property damage.” She practically deflated. It was a mood booster “I’m paying for that, but if Sweetie Belle doesn’t come up with compensation for the people she scammed, I’m sure as fuck not covering that.”

“... They didn’t tell me there were legitimate charges…”

“I don’t pick on people, and I sure as hell don’t abuse whatever authority I have. If you haven't had a visit, then you’re allowed fifteen minutes. Sweetie will be fed and she’ll have a bed, but she’s having a think about what criminals deal with.”

“... I- Max, you were a thief!”

“Yeah, and I struggled for eight years to turn my dead-end life around and make something of the shite that was my life as a homeless orphan. Your sister is a scammer from a good family. I stole to feed myself because I couldn't get a job at twelve and no one was gonna buy me a meal, at least not twice. Swindon and Slane have a lot in common, Rares, and the sad thing is that Slane is the only bad town you hear about in Equestria. My entire province was run by dirty cops, corrupt officials, drug dealers, and weapon-smugglers. Ponyville is paradise to me, if not a little annoying at times.”

Rarity rubbed her forehead and asked, “... How much do you want?”

“... What?”

“How many bits to get my sister out, Max?”

“... It’s a single fuckin’ day, Rarity Belle. I’m not gonna let them hold her longer than that, and don’t you dare tell her otherwise.”

“That’s not what I asked, Max.”

“... Shove it. It’s not even gonna go on her record. The fuck are you really bargaining for? Maybe twenty hours of freedom?”

“I don’t want my sister in jail, Max. I-”

“You are trying to bribe me. At what point- I’m rich, bitch!” I blurted “The fuck do your bits mean to me? The fuck do you mean to me? Get your visit and get out. Fuck off. Fuck right off with this shite.”

Tough Cookie raised a hand. “She tried to bribe me too.”

Mary raised her hand. “Hear, hear.”

I looked back to Rarity and she shrugged. “It was worth a shot, Darling.”

I stared at her. “... You absolute…” … Wait, I can’t find one good enough… “Thing. You absolute thing.”

She pursed her lips. “So…? Are you going to arrest me for that, because Celestia will hear about it, and I don’t think you’ll be a Baron long going against an Element of Harmony.”

I raised a finger to my lips. I pointed it at her, then walked over to the receptionist. “Pen and Dragon Fire. Snappy, yeah?”

Her eyes widened and she sucked air through her teeth. “Eeyup. Right here.” She passed me both pretty quickly.

My sheaffer came in handy for once with the paper inside, so I jotted down a note and sent it off. The sun had yet to set, so when Celestia wrote back, I wasn’t surprised. I also wasn’t surprised when she showed up after my second letter. “Max, calm down.”

I met her gaze. “Arrest her yourself then, love. This is far enough.”

“I can arrest you solely based on that letter.” I tilted my head and Celestia didn’t like what she saw. “Max, be reasonable-”

“I’ve been more than fucking reasonable-” She erected a bubble and folded her arms. “Really, Celestia? This nag can rape me, try to do it again, and bribe the Guard Chief and Mayor of my town?”

Celestia sighed and raised her hand, but I had a finger in her face before she could get the Magic together. She brushed my hand aside. Our noses were touching when she murmured, “How far do you really think you can push me, Maximus?”

“How far have you pushed me already?” I answered at the same volume.

It clicked in her head. I wasn’t bluffing. Rarity was about to die, or she was going to be arrested. Celestia knew she’d win the war in the end, but a man that she made Baron slaying an Element of Harmony? In front of her? The implications would fuck her over harder than I could on my own or with the connections I had. Celestia could kill me and go against the morals that supposedly made her give Rarity her libido back. That, or she could seize the moment, make a power play, and keep it all under wraps while I got what I demanded. It wasn’t a happy look on her face when she straightened herself, but I knew she still wasn’t aware that she was dying first. Oh, no, Celestia could never be taken out by her little pauper, but I was ready, willing and able. I wanted her horn to glow, even though I knew suicide was my best option afterwards and I can’t die. We both knew I had much, much more to lose than she did, but the fact I was taking a stand against her instead of chewing her out in a letter made it clear that something was getting done.

“... Didn’t you tell me once that you didn’t like asking me for favours?”

“This isn’t a favour. It’s the law you wrote.”

“Mind your tone, Maximius. I’ll not tolerate it much longer.”

“You’ll tolerate it as long as I give it to you. You cannot keep fuckin’ me over, Celestia. I’m not your little Ponies who feel like you’re a Deity.”

“Watch it, colt.”

I spread my hands. “What’s it gonna be? Making exceptions to your own laws? Or actually enforcing them for once?” The slap stung, but she could’ve taken my head off with it if she wanted. “Fragility of royal pride, yeah?”

Celestia glared at me and leaned in close, gripping my shoulder and speaking directly into my ear. “We both know there’s worse things I can do to you than let some crimes slide.”

I put my hand on her shoulder and replied, “Nag.”

Celestia stepped away crossed her arms for all of two seconds before rubbing the bridge of her nose. “... Fine. Fine. Because I know you’ll never let it go, but Max? Do not think you can give me an ultimatum and walk away clean-”

“You mean like when you forced me into being a woman and refused to change me back? Or when you destroyed my house and tried to bribe me with a mansion? Or like how I had no choice in getting a title that leashed me to your country and allows me to be extradited from every other one?” She gave me a lethal look, but it didn’t really matter.“Yeah, Celestia, you fuck me over a lot more than I make your life complicated.”

“I will give you what you want. Stars above, you asshole, idiot mongoloid.” She threw her hands up. “Honestly!? Honestly, Max, take your victory and shut up for once in your bucking life. What are you hoping to accomplish? You threaten to murder an Element of Harmony? The look in your eye is telling me that you’re barely keeping your damn hands to yourself, and what? What do you want me to do? Because I will bend the knee, but I am not going to put up with this-”

“Celestia. You’re battling me at every turn. Phero-Flowers do the same thing as Swoon Powder and that’s illegal. Rarity has gotten away with raping me twice. Scot. Fucking. Free. She tried to do it again! I should kill her for what she’s already done and you’re telling me-” I jolted because she was right. I was about to mob her and roll her arse then and there with Telekinesis and finish the job with a good ol’ series of curb stomps. “... Celestia…”

She took a breath and sighed, evidently seeing what it all was about. “... Okay. I understand, but you could’ve led with that and we’d be a lot further along, Max. All you accomplish by cursing my name until I feel two feet tall is piss me off. That is what I will not put up with. Stars forbid you approach your problems instead of bottling it all up until you curse a Princess in front of her subjects. You cannot expect me to be quiet and nod along while you go off on a tirade, okay? Quit pulling this crap, Max. Just talk to me…”

“When do you hear what I say, Celestia? Because the only time you listened when we were together was when I was either screaming my head off or trying to melt you through your ears…”

“I get that, but you have to have a deathwish if you keep blowing up at me. Just because we know I’m not going to do any lasting damage to your life doesn’t mean I didn’t have to talk Luna out of showing you not to disrespect the Princesses. Come on, Max. You know you can’t keep doing this. You dying isn’t going to last long to satisfy you, so heal. I hate to say it and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but… I’m sorry, Max, but get over it.” I rolled my eyes. “All you’re doing is working on another downward spiral, you just can’t drink yourself into a stupor now… Do what you need to so you can cope, but don't defy me in public. I’m eventually going to have to do something about it.”

“... I trusted her again because you said it was safe. You didn’t even tell me.”

“... I’m sorry about that. I have no excuse for you.”

“... Phero-Flowers are shady at best. It’s legal rape.”

“How am I supposed to ban pheromones, Max?”

“Are you really saying that mares aren’t carrying around literal bouquets while searching for a guy’s day to ruin? Because every stallion I talk to has a comment about them, and they’re bitter. It’s not the pheromones themselves; It’s the fact that people are concentrating them and shoving them in someone’s face.”

“Then I can easily convince the Progressives to push with me, but it’s a tradition, Max.”

“That’s depressing, infuriating, and it’s morally depraved to justify it like that.”

“Your people raise animals in terrible environments to slaughter them.”

“And it’s a quick, merciful death to a creature that doesn’t have the capacity to care where it lives. Stallions are people, Celestia. Men have the right to say no.”

She sighed. “I can only work so fast, Max.”

“You could pass the law in five minutes and your support alone would clear it with most of your subjects. Don’t lie to me if you want me to show you respect, because we both know I’m not afraid of getting that visit from Luna whether it’s in the dead of night or the light of day.”

“Twilight.”

“... Point taken, but still.”

“I see your point, and I’ll get it done. However, I don’t feel like you’re going to hesitate to put your life on the line to speak out. You can be as mad as you want to be, but too many ponies care about you for you to throw your second chance away… Just… Be smart.”

“... I’ll try.”

“Don’t just try.”

“That’s all we can ever do until we succeed.”

She dropped the bubble that had kept our conversation private. “I expect you to succeed, but for the last time; Mind your tongue.”

Posturing. Of course. “I’ll remember.”

Celestia nodded and turned to the town’s other officials. “Rarity Opalneria Belle, you are hereby under arrest for the crime of Bribery. Anything you say can and will be recorded for use against or in favour of your case.” It wasn’t half as satisfying to see Rarity get arrested for a smaller charge, but the look on her face was good enough for me to walk away. “Do you have anything to say in your defence?”

Rarity gaped. “P-Princess, y-you can’t be serious!”

“This will not meet the public eye, Rarity, but it will be recorded. Be happy I’m not holding you accountable for the plethora of charges levied against the Carousel Boutique and your awful way of doing business.” Now the look on Rarity’s face was satisfying. “You’ve skated by long enough. An Element of Harmony needs to be respectable, and you prove time and time again that you are not.” Celestia looked at me.

I nodded toward Cookie. “No reason to cuff her, and don’t put her in earshot of her sister.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I’ll take Mr. Max, but not the ‘Sir’ shite.”

I got a funny look from her and Celestia, but Cookie took Rarity’s arm and the mare numbly walked away.

I’d always wondered why the fuck I didn’t know where the Cop Shop was in Ponyville, but it was pretty safe to assume that it was somewhere down the hall Tough Cookie was walking down. I guess. It wasn’t a concern, honestly, but that’s not important at all. Don’t know why I wrote it down, to tell the truth.

Gimme a break, it’s been a bad day.

In any case, Celestia asked, “Max, why are you opposed to being called ‘Sir’?”

“It implies someone has a reason to do what I say. Just because they do doesn’t mean I want to be reminded of it.”

She nodded along. “I see…”

“... Do I need to apologize for swearing at you?”

“Would you mean it?”

“Not really. I am sorry for losing my head, though.”

Celestia shrugged. “It happens. You do deal with a lot, but why are you even here?”

“Sweetie Belle bombed someone’s house with paint and glitter because they didn’t let her scam them.”

“... You’re joking.”

“Rarity was trying to bribe Sweetie’s way out of any kind of punishment. I know damn well the cunt’s not gonna lift a finger since she’s not a parent on any level.”

“A touch harsh-”

“And completely true.”

Celestia pinched her nose again. “... Max…?”

“Yeah?”

“... How has your day been?”

“Had to talk to Twilight about cutting,” Her eyes told me enough, “and yes, I know. Trust me, I fuckin’ know.”

“... So a rough day?”

“Had to ground Spike, went over to Sweet Apple Acres to make sure Apple Bloom didn’t get the worst end of the deal and Granny Smith tore my heart out of my chest.”

“... How so?”

“Explained that my opinion didn’t matter because I wasn’t a part of the family.”

Celestia’s hand went over her heart, seeing as how I’d told her plenty of times about how I felt about the Apple Family. “Stars above… That was ... Cruel.”

I shrugged. “C’est la vie. I’m gonna-”

“I’ll handle it from here, Max, and… Is Fluttershy still giving you trouble?”

“Had that talk recently. She never said I was wrong.”

“When it rains it pours in earnest… Maybe you should spend a little more time with Twilight?”

“... Just wanna go home at this point.”

“To your empty house where nopony can tell you they love you outside of a letter.”

I puffed a laugh through my nose. “At least no one’s there.”

“Your demons prefer to haunt you when you’re alone.”

“Some of my demons are the people I called friends. The ones that fuck with me when I’m alone are at least quiet about it.”

“Go to Golden Oaks, Max. There’s no point in backsliding when you know there’s a better way,” She stated firmly, though not unkindly.

I nodded. “... Alright.”

Celestia squeezed my bicep. “You’ll be alright, Max. Keep moving forward and the path will get easier.”

“I know. Take it easy, Celestia.”

“Be well, and take care of yourself.”

I let it go at that and fucked off, trying to pick up the pace that kept dragging itself to a crawl. It took me entirely too long to realize that I was in the pit again and hadn’t noticed the fall. Shaking the weight of the hole wasn’t easy and I should’ve known that I was down again from the fact that I’d been cutting in the first place, I guess I just didn’t want to realize it… I… I don’t really know what I expected. It’s not like you climb out of the pit and don’t linger around the edge for a while when you get your head out of the hole and I knew that. I knew that I could’ve fallen at any point if I wasn’t careful, and I hadn’t been. However, the wake up call that I needed wasn’t what I wanted, but… It didn’t stop me from hating the feeling of being miserable again.

My thoughts carried me to Twilight’s house and I sat outside instead of going in. I just needed a moment to get the mask up, but why bother? If Twilight was the woman I trusted her to be, then I didn’t need it and it was an insult to her support and love if I pretended to be fine around her. As warm and interesting as the spring day had been, I couldn’t help but feel cold and a little hollow. Recognizing the hollow was one thing, but dealing with it was another. There was no telling how long it was going to stick around, so I started my favourite, most infrequent pastime and just thought about what the fuck I actually had to be happy about.

Twilight’s words from earlier came to mind. ‘You’re gonna make a great Dad someday.’... Well, sure, if I’m not overbearing or entirely too harsh because of the life I lived. If I don’t turn into Dad or Babs then yeah, it’s a win, but me? Being good as a parent? That was a pipedream I’d had for a long time. Something that made me think of days in the church when I stopped fantasizing about being taken in by someone who was willing and started thinking about the man I could be. The man no one expected me to become. I laid my head against the railing and closed my eyes, thinking of the faith people had in me. The respect I commanded from Tough Cookie on our first real meeting had been a surprise, but the numbness probably had something to do with why I hadn’t cared about it. Looking back on the day as a whole let me see that there had been bright points and pitfalls, but the drops in the day’s decency…

I’d been so lost in thought, I hadn’t noticed the approaching footsteps or heartbeat of the person who sat next to me. It felt like too much of a bother to address them, but when that hand met my shoulder, I suddenly gave entirely too many fucks and shrugged them off. Swallowing a harsh retort for someone who hadn’t even done a damn thing to me was hard… I just didn’t want to be bothered. I knew there was love for me in the house I had yet to enter. Two people who either admired me or appreciated me in general, two people who would throw me a fucking rope and pull while I climbed to make sure I wasn’t stuck in the drain where the feelings are fleeting and the emptiness always returns.

The person I still hadn’t looked at didn’t say anything, but that same hand slid across my back, just… Just… It was such a familiar gesture that I couldn’t place and my eyes filled while my nose started getting stuffy. I wiped the tears before they could fall, but then Blueberry Tart said, “You never have to struggle alone, Max. It’s not worth your time to tear down the house you built with your own two hands, but you’re already about halfway done…” I looked at her, seeing a kindness in her eyes that I needed more than… More than I needed any meal I’d ever had. Any drink I’d ever quaffed down. “It’s all well and good to hurt and fall, Maximus. It’s all well and good to cry and have your sails torn apart, let alone feel the wind fall out of them… What’s not well and good is sitting here by yourself, torturing that beautiful, goofy mind of yours with all those nasty things that you won’t even say to people you hate… You’ll be okay, Baby. I won’t lie to you; It won’t be permanent. You’re gonna fall flat on that crooked smile and bumpy nose more than you’ll ever think necessary, but… Can I tell you something I learned in Trotsdale?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” I answered thickly.

“... Giving into that hopelessness and emptiness is gonna make you feel something you don’t want to feel. Giving into that ringing, aching pain… It hurts. It hurts like having somepony drive a knife into your Anima… But getting a shot hurts too, Max. And so does a lot of magic medicine. You don’t grow or heal without pain, and you, the type of stallion you are, will never truly stop growing. That said? It’s up to you whether or not you heal. Get that first step out of the way and the rest will fly by until you’re as old as me and you look back at what hurts. You look back and you smile because those wounds made you tougher than an easy, clear path would’ve.” Blue pulled me to her and I let my head rest on her shoulder… So fucking grateful…

I nodded along and tried to say something, but it came out muddled. Even though it came from my mouth, I don’t really know what it was.

“Gonna be honest with you, I don’t know what you said, but don’t tear yourself down Max, and you sure as tartarus better not let somepony else do it for you. Get it together long enough to get inside, get a kiss from your sweet little lover-filly, and don’t be afraid to let her help drag you out of that chasm because doing it yourself isn’t going to work long until you love yourself. Take heart, Baby. The sun will rise tomorrow and the next day. And the day after that. So on it goes until we all crumble to fuzz and dust. You’re gonna be alright… But you’re gonna be left out in the cold until you knock on the door.”

“Wise words.”

“I would hope so, otherwise I learned nothing and my words are coming from the ‘moose-caboose.” I chuckled at that and Blue hugged me to her. “And there’s a giggle! At least I know you heard that.”

“Heard it all, Blue… Thank you.”

It was a bit of a surprise when she kissed my temple, but I sat up and she went back to rubbing my back. “Thank you for listening, Max. There was a time I would’ve assumed you weren’t listening, but I know you have a good heart. Don’t let it fall apart when it breaks.”

I nodded and she sat with me for a bit longer. When I stood, Blue came with me and I gave her a hug. “Blueberry, you ever need anything… Ask and you’ll have it if I can get it. Thank you.”

“Well, I’d like a little company for tea on the weekends, and young couples do liven up a pony’s day.” Her eyes flickered to the door, her smile warm and inviting. “I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing you a little more often. There aren’t many young stallions I have patience for, you know.”

I chuckled, smirking at her. “That’s not fair, because you’re already my favourite colour.” I bounced my brows. “And close to my favourite shade, which really isn’t fair because I automatically have a reason to like you. I have to be likable.”

“If you aren’t being a butt, you mean?”

I shrugged. “I’d make a joke or something, but it’s not appropriate. Again… Thanks, Blue.”

“You’re welcome, Max. If you ever need an ear or advice, I’m only a letter away.”

I smiled, my hands in my pockets. “... You’re entirely too kind, but I can’t pretend I’m not grateful for it. Can I catch you on Lumoday?”

“Anywhere from ten to four, Max. Just drop on by.”

I nodded and she smiled back, taking a few steps toward her next destination before she turned, seeing that I was grinning at her. Instead of shooting her a toothy smile, I hit her with the up-nod and turned toward the door. Twilight was out of sight, but I could hear her heart all the same. Opening the door without knocking wasn’t impolite because Twilight told me I could and we both knew neither of us would give a shit at the moment. My sweet, mild Cherry was there waiting for me, a concerned look on her face. I didn’t waste any more time. I held her face in my hands and our lips met as they had a hundred times before, but I appreciated the contact more than I had in awhile. Appreciated the love in her eyes and all that would come with it.

“Twilight… I adore you, and never let my actions tell you any different. If they do, let me know and I’ll fuckin’ stop.”

“... I was getting worried, Max.”

“I’m sorry for adding even more to your plate.”

“I know, and I don't care what’s on my plate, whether it’s thrown on there or I scrape it from yours. Love isn’t… It’s not something you can have alone, Amour… There are a lot of things in life that other ponies make better… But… I just…”

I hugged her to my chest. “Smart mare once told me that there might be clouds in the sky, but the silver linings are what’s important. I was just outside and I didn’t see much silver in the sky. I can’t sit here and say that the purple in it wasn’t beautiful though.”

Twilight’s heart was still throbbing in her chest, most likely some kind of sympathetic ache of her own. “I love you, Max… If there’s anything I can do to make this day a little better for you…?”

“Couch, tea, cuddles?”

“I was just warming up a pot… But… Amour, I… I can only help if you let me.”

“You help even when I don’t.”

And there it was. The pain was gone from her expression and I could practically see that mind working a loom with threads of thought being woven together to form the tapestry that was a concise thought from Twilight Sparkle. “If I help without your permission anyway… Then I guess I’ll kick your hooves a little more often since you seem to appreciate it.”

“... You, Twilight, are one of the people I appreciate most in this life. I love you. As much as I can.”

“I love you too, Max.”

We stood there for a moment, taking the moment to slow it down before meeting for another kiss that, like many before it, was not destined to be brief or hold itself to any manner of time constraint. Parting saw me craving more of Twilight. Not her body since my love for her had never been for the endowments she had, even if I enjoyed palming her shapely bottom from time to time. There was more that I wanted to know, more that I wanted to say, and more that I wanted to do with her.

“... All in due time…” I murmured, stroking her cheek. “I-”

The kettle interrupted me, but Twilight didn’t seem to care. “That’s right, Max. Everything comes when the time is right.”

“Then it’s weird that the tea’s ready.”

She glanced toward the kitchen for all of a second. “Come with me?”

“Always.”

We got tea and did some cuddling, but even as I knew that Twilight and I could both sit in a silent room and be fine without talking, I started asking about more of her memories. More of the experiences that had crafted the woman that I had known and come to love more than any other who had a claim on my heart. She was understandably hesitant, but I think the fact that I joked, commented, and quipped along whether I had a chance let her know that I was trying to let go of the bitterness. At least, I was trying to share in her happiness and it worked well enough. A lot of my laughs were from the gut and most of my smiles were genuine. Just focusing on the moment, getting lost in the present was enough for the twilight to break through the overcast sky. I’d said as much earlier, but the silver was necessary. The purples, pinks, oranges, and blues were more helpful with their vibrance than a glittery, unimpressive silver could ever be.

Twilight teleported my journal to me and let me write it all out as she rested her head on my shoulder. She was asleep after an hour or two, but… That just means she didn’t see a lot of it, even if I knew she still wanted to read it in the end…

… Life sucks, but some of the people in it… Thank God for truly kind souls, and thank God for those who’ve been through it themselves…

I don’t want to wake her up. I still hadn’t shaken the pull of the pit; The cause of the exhaustion I’d been working through… But you heal more when you sleep, so here it goes.

Author's Notes:

Yeah, so Chapter Thirty got rewritten into a 61k chapter and websites don't like it when you copy-pasta that kinda weight into their textboxes. Bitches lmao

As for patch notes:

Max's relationship with Blue gets more time to developFuck RarityDeveloped Max a little more as an authority figure both in personal and public aspectsGave some attention to Max's relationship with Bloom and SpikeMade Twilight more... Twilight-y?Dived into Max's relationship with the Princesses a bitWrote a storyPut words on the internetForgot what else went into the first half of this two parter lmaoCheddar

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids