Unfortunately I had to wake Twilight up to go to bed, but I couldn’t sleep with my stomach reminding me that I was used to having dinner these days. Still, it had been a long time since the grumblies had kept me up too long at night, even though I knew it meant I would be starving for breakfast when it came around. It didn’t matter since I got to sleep in Twilight’s bed. While speaking of my lover, she was none too willing to let me go when five came around, but I bought my freedom with kisses and got breakfast started for myself and Spike since he was pretty awake when I saw him coming from the bathroom.

He himself didn’t mind having a seat while I made us something to eat. It was clear that he was in a decent mood and I didn’t have a reason to change that, at least not one that was reasonable. Spike was happy enough to chat with me and sip tea while I got our omelets made along with stove-top toast and a bit of porridge. He told me to try mine with sugar for some reason, but I had to let him try it with a bit of cheese and sauteed onion, which pretty much made everything in the average Human’s staple diet taste better. Well, maybe not the cheese, but I didn’t know all that many people who hated onions in all the ways it could be prepared.

Twilight came down around nine or so, but Spike and I were just covering some stuff that might’ve helped him make better choices prior to yesterday. We greeted Twilight, but I kind of walled her out of commenting on the honour of a man since she wasn’t one, and her pride wasn’t based mostly on protecting, providing, perseverance or punching people. That being said, Spike slipped up and asked why I didn’t punch Rarity if I despised her as much as I did and do, but I didn’t really have a solid answer for him. It’s not that I’m unwilling to deck a gal in her gob, it’s just not worth the time if I know I’m, one, gonna be ostracized for it, and two, get blamed and seen as less than a man. Twilight asked me why I hadn’t ever actually hit her, despite the fact that she’d hit me and I asked her if she wanted me to be a worse person.

Her answer was clear and easy enough to understand. She’d expected me to hit her at multiple points and had come to see that it just wasn’t something I could ever be at peace with doing. After my fuck up while hammered, I… Still couldn’t forget it. Twilight might have slapped me, but regardless of whether or not it hurt, I could actually fight. I’d been hit far harder by people I’d come to drink with. She was a better person than most of them on top of that, so she understood that I just couldn’t be okay with hurting someone I actually loved on purpose. Not to say that if Applejack swung on me, I wouldn’t throw back or snitch her out, but Applejack is stronger than me. It’s not necessarily that I refuse to punch a woman because that line of thinking is impractical in my former line of work. It’s more or less that if someone lacks the will and motive to fuck me up, then… Fucking them up is punching down. Little more than being a skitebird fuckfaced wannabe hardarse, and that’s not me.

And no, Rainbow Dash might have been smaller than me when I fought her, but she’d also been heavier, stronger, and faster than me on top of using a karate stance when I was running from her in the first place. Point blank, I was the one at the disadvantage and that was perfectly fine by me, but God forbid I start trying to swing on the people who pissed me off, even if they were Earth Ponies. It just wasn’t the same since I know how to fight better now than ever with Noir training me from time to time.

In any case, Twilight noticed that I was getting restless and asked if I wanted to head back to my house for any reason, even though I’d been able to change clothes at her place. I shook my head and thought about what I actually wanted to do for the day. My thinking had me bringing out my sheaffer and writing Cookie and Mary notes. Apparently there wasn’t enough shit to do since Rarity and Sweetie were both getting their trials later in the day, so I asked Twilight for a word in private downstairs after I wrote Mary back. She came along with a cup of coffee, still wearing her pyjamas since she was having a slow morning. Her baggy trousers and loose shirt were absolutely adorable for some reason, but I chalked it up to always thinking Twilight’s at least ten percent cuter than any given thing, even when she had bedhead and onion breath.

In any case, I sat her down in what she called her ‘Twilight Time’ corner that I’d never actually seen her use. “Oi, Cherry, I don’t have the best news to share, but it’s important. I’ll be having Spike send a letter to the rest of the girls shortly enough.”

“So it’s about Rarity…?” Twilight asked, looking a little dejected already.

“She… Got arrested for bribery yesterday.”

“Was that because she tried to bribe you-”

“Me, Mary the Mayor, and Tough Cookie, the Guard Chief of town.”

“Then… She deserved it honestly. Especially for thinking that you needed her bits after you tried to invest in her company.”

“Speaking of which-”

“Rarity wasn’t able to get that contract through thanks to Uncle Fancy.” Twilight grinned a little. “He rewrote it before he even really knew who you were. That’s why you’re making so much off of her business from your equity, especially since Uncle Fancy says that he had to repair your reputation…” She stopped grinning.

“Until I beat up Blueblood?”

“Well, that mostly just helped you from what I last heard. Nopony likes Blueblood, and I’m beginning to think that Rarity needs some real help before she ends up like him.”

I shrugged. “I just wanted to know if you wanted to see her trial and speak for or against her. That being said, Celestia was the one who arrested her and laid out the charge, so…”

“Wow… How did that happen?”

“I sent her a note and Celestia had to come or Rarity wasn’t going to trial.”

My girlfriend gave me a worried look. “All ponies deserve due process, Max.”

“She could do the process of relearning how to walk after I mutilated her legs.”

“... Max…”

I shook my head. “No. Rarity isn’t getting another chance from me unless she changes. I’m done, Twilight. I’m beyond done with it.”

“... Max, Rarity isn’t that bad…”

“She used my title to try and bully deals out of people, which ruined my name. She tried to fuck up our business agreement, despite me being more than generous with my end of the deal. She used your little brother for free labour for years and pretended to not know that he had a crush on her. She’s fucked dozens of people over and she fails to get into Canterlot because no one wants that venomous snake in their garden. Her generosity always comes at a price and obligation, Twilight. Rarity is a terrible, awful… Thing. The mare is a rarity, because she has no reason to be as toxic as she is in a place like Ponyville.”

Twilight bit her lip. “... You sound… Sad.”

“... I am, Twilight. I really am. I pegged Rarity for a piece of shite on first glance and gave her a chance anyway. She fucked me over and literally raped me twice and tried to do it again.” I shrugged. “... I don’t have a reason to be happy when I think of the fact that I used to call her a friend.”

Cherry held her breath for a second and nodded. “... Then we need to get through to her one way or another. She’s still Rarity, Max… If you can be the stallion that you are with your history, then she can at least be a decent mare with a little more love and support.”

“How much love and support have you already given her?”

“A lot, but everypony-”

“Twilight, people shit on me most of my life in England and I kept doing what I was doing. It took love and support for me to turn my life around, and I got that when I came here. Rarity has been loved and supported her whole life, and it’s not until I shit on her that anything changes.”

“... I don’t really have a mean bone in my body, Max.”

“You can guilt trip her.”

“I’m not my Mom.”

“Your Mom’s a lovely gal, but she’s more experienced than you. She wouldn’t do it if it didn’t get results.”

“Then… Then when I see her, I’ll play a little dirty, but… You know I don’t like doing that, Max.”

“You’re not doing it to be mean. Tough love is still love, Twilight.”

She cracked a little smile. “So if I need to get through to you, be tough?”

“Does yelling at me work?”

“... Fair point. I guess everypony needs a different approach.”

I nodded a few times. “That’s more or less why I can communicate so easily with Spike. He’s growing and wants to feel like he’s not a kid anymore, but you have to temper that by making sure he knows where he lies on the scale of maturity and making him understand that wisdom and experience are on the same die as you cast it.”

“... What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You treat him like he’s still ten years old and he’s got two years until he’s a legal adult.”

She opened her mouth with her brow furrowed before she thought twice. “... Can you give me an example?”

“The way you speak to him sometimes. You sometimes repeat yourself several times and then ask if he heard you for the first four and confirm by asking again. He’s a pretty smart teenager, Twilight. Say it to him twice in a conversation and you’ll never have to say it again until he asks down the line for a little elaboration. And you do coddle him. He’s old enough to be out past the streetlamps coming on. He’s responsible enough for it.”

Twilight was already frowning, but she was seeming more and more upset as I carried on. “Well, I don’t think I’m doing a bad job.”

“I think you’re doing a good job myself.” She raised a brow. “Twilight, you love and provide for Spike. You educate and inform him, just not on some of the things that are more important for a man to learn or a young, soon-to-be adult. Spike needs to learn how to pay bills and manage a budget beyond his allowance. It’s not a bad time to have him scale back on the chores and pick up with running the library with you-”

“Spike helps with the books all the time!”

“There’s more to it than managing the books, Twilight. There’s repair fees, managing the loan-ledger, taking care of the bills for the house including food-”

“Max. Spike is fifteen.”

“... Would a little experience in what he’s gonna have to tackle for himself some day be the wrong move?”

She tried to come up with something. I could see it in her eyes. However, while Cherry wasn’t the most reasonable when it came to Spike, I think the tone I’d used and the amount I’d proven to care about Spike swayed her enough to say, “... That’s a fair point, I guess…”

“You know Spike’s a good kid, Twi. He can do more than chores.”

She made a face. “... So I’m gonna have to do them too.”

Lazy- “Yes, Twi, you shouldn’t really have made Spike do them all anyway.”

“... Darn it.”

I chuckled and took her hand in both of mine. “I love you, Goofball Supreme.”

“I love you too, Chuckle-Fuck.”

I snorted shortly before laughing my fucking arse off. “Chuckle Fuck?”

“You chuckle and say ‘fuck’ all the time, especially when you’re writing.”

“Alright, Purple Nurple.”

“... What?”

“You’re purple and so are your nurples.”

“What’s a nurple?”

“Your nipples.”

“... What?”

“On Earth, a purple nurple is the same thing as a titty twister.”

“Oh! Those sound awful.”

“Good thing no one can make your nurples more purple.”

“... You just wanted to rhyme and say nurple, didn’t you?”

“I don’t’n’t know what you mean.”

“That’s a double-negative triple-contraction and I want you to apologize for attacking the language I speak with such a bastardization of Equuish,” Twilight deadpanned, looking at me all too seriously.”

“You’re so cute when you smart on me. I love you and I’m sorryn’t.”

“I love you too, even if you are the whole butt. The entire derriere area.”

“Speaking of derriere’s, I’ve noticed that yours looks great in pretty much everything you wear. Even the pyjamas.”

She blushed and scratched her cheek. “Well, thank you…”

“And I was just thinking earlier about how you’re at least ten percent cuter than any other mare I’ve ever seen, including Pinkie since she doesn’t have your maturity along with your sheer, unattainable cuteness.” Twilight’s face grew pinker and her smile wasn’t very easy to see since she wasn’t looking at me anymore. “Honestly, how I managed to nab such a cutie with the booty you have is beyond me, but might I just say that your bum is the sum of all that an arse could be?”

“Max!” She giggled, fanning herself. “I feel like you’re trying to get somewhere…”

“Well, you turned your head so I couldn't get the full effects of your smile,” She rolled her eyes and couldn’t hold back her wide grin much longer, the expression reaching her eyes easily. “And my morning’s been made just like that.”

“Max, is there a term for someone who’s really sad one moment and pretty happy another in the same day?”

I gave her a look. “You mean on Earth? Uh… Bipolar or manic depressive comes to mind.”

“What does bipolar mean exactly?”

“You kinda flip from one mood to the other. It’s the same thing as being manic depressive, but with bipolar disorder, it’s more or less your happy to sad transitions. Manic depression is a little more ‘energy’ dependent, I think. I never really was all that into the legitimate psychology so much as the social stuff to be honest with you. Even then, I’d rather go back over my anatomy books that are… Now useless knowledge for everyone but me.” I shook my head and chuckled at the sheer amount of time I’d ‘wasted’ on shite that wasn’t benefitting me in the slightest. Then coke popped into my head and it was less funny, but still. Got a chuckle.

Twilight was nodding along, giving me some kind of look that I wasn’t all that sure of. “Max, I think you might be one of the two.”

I snorted. “What makes you say that?”

“Your adaptiveness. Your infrequent mood. The fact that you kind of have to decide to be mad at somepony for it to stick reminds me a lot of a filly I went to school with, and Celestia once said she was ‘bipolar’.”

I raised a brow. “My mood is pretty stable, Twi-”

“Not really, Amour. Not really.” My smile fell and Twilight raised her hands. “I don’t mean it in a bad way! It’s just been a bit of a learning process to learn how to adjust my mood to match yours,” I bit my lips and Twilight started getting flustered, “b-but it’s not hard! It’s really good for learning how to be especially positive since it’s not usually all that hard to get you out of a bad mood!”

“Twilight, I don’t think anyone wants to hear that they’re bipolar, but thanks for being honest with me.”

“... I feel like I should apologize…”

I shrugged. “Why?” She started wringing her hands until I puffed out a chuckle and rolled my eyes. “Twilight, if I actually am bipolar, then you deal with it and love me anyway. The people that actually like me are willing to sit through the bad times and wait for the good ones. Telling the truth? I don’t like hearing that I’m at least a little unpredictable when it comes to my mood and I’m not gonna lie; It kind of hurts that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, but I’m nothing if not realistic about this kinda shite. If I can smooth it out a little on my own, then yeah, great. If I can’t, then I’ve been living with it for so long, how am I gonna know the difference?”

“... You always tend to have a logical perspective about yourself, even if it’s not good news. You know, unless you’re talking about how bad a person you are.”

“That’s because I’m only nice to people who are nice to me-”

“Even after they screw with your life and make your day-to-day… As Rainbow would say, ‘suckulous’.”

“I do put up with a lot of bullshit, despite the policy. I guess it depends on the smell.”

Twilight chuckled, but she wasn’t all that amused. “Max… Can we talk about something?”

“My abandonment issues?”

“... If that’s what you call your propensity for toxic relationships, then yes.” Fuckin’ ow!

“... Damn. That’s… Rough. That’s pretty fuckin’ rough.”

She shrugged. “It’s what I’ve noticed. Honestly, Max… I know I speak on behalf of our friends when they mess up, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see it when they do… Rarity’s not a good pony to you, Max, and Fluttershy herself has more or less… Made it clear that she doesn’t see you as one of the ‘GalPals’, as you put it.” Twilight pulled a face and sighed. Looking at her fingers as she tweaked them. “... It’s hard to say this when I really do love Rarity and Fluttershy, but I think it would be for the best if you cut ties with them for a while. No favours, no visits; The cold shoulder treatment in general…”

“... Twilight, you’re in the top three nicest people I’ve ever met in my life. If you’re saying that I need to drop a couple friends, then I trust you.” She smiled, but it was uneasy and she looked a little sick. “Cherry, you’re not wrong. I shouldn’t be friends with people who just want to use me. It’s not worth my time. At least Rainbow doesn’t ask me for shite and Pinkie can take no for an answer. She just likes to bug me. You know how I feel about AJ and you know how I feel about you because I tell you-”

“Well…”

I furrowed my brow. “You’re the greatest thing since keratin feet, Twilight.”

“Wh- Oh, hooves,” She giggled, rolling her eyes. “Max, that tells me that you love me, but it doesn’t actually tell me how you feel…”

“Twi, we don’t really argue and we can always communicate shortly after if we do. When one of us needs to be heard, the other listens. You don’t pressure me into much, and the shite you do pressure me into either works out for me or is necessary anyway. I don’t really have any complaints about you other than the fact that you burn my food every time you try to cook.”

“Hey!”

I shrugged. “I grew up eating literal rubbish from rubbish bins. Food I buy is precious to me like the shite I actually own. When you live without something, you’re a lot more appreciative of when you have it.”

“I get that, but I’m trying to do something nice!”

“Twilight, I don’t need or particularly want a woman who makes chefs look silly for trying to outdo her. I need a woman who’s supportive, loving, and understanding. Why would I need you to make me eggs in the morning when I can have a kiss after coffee and feel far more fulfilled, loved, appreciated, and cared for from that and a hug?”

She pursed her lips. “... Well, when you put it like that, it doesn’t really feel like it matters that much.”

“Yeah, I mean… I don’t love you for the things you can do for me. I love you for the mare you are and the part of my heart you occupy. The way you make my day brighter and life more worth living. You might burn water in a pot,” She gave me a playful look, “but you have yet to burn me with a suggestion, at least not that I’ve noticed. I value that a lot more than any meal.”

“... Given what you said prior to that… I guess you really do appreciate more when you live without it.”

I chuckled and nodded, seeing what she really meant. There wasn’t any mirth in the dry sound, but it was still amusing in a somewhat morbid way. “Maybe a little too much, yeah.”

“... It’s not wrong to want to feel loved, Max.”

“It is wrong to let people walk all over you just to get that feeling.” She sighed, nodding slowly. “I know… I’ll… I’ll at least try to not be a fuckin’ doormat.”

“That’s all I’ll ever ask, Amour. A real, honest effort.”

“And that’s all I’ll ever give you unless you try to explain more Starswirl stuff to me. That shite is sooo beyond my paygrade, Cherry.”

“Paygrade?”

“I get paid in love to listen, but there’s no amount of hugs or kisses that are gonna get those theses past this Earth-Man thicc skull.”

“What!? But- But- You always know what I’m talking about!”

“Memorization and understanding are two different beasts. I can memorize the Equestrian Alphabet, but don’t ask me why the letters are the way they are.”

“... So…?”

“I’ll listen and do my best to understand, but I don’t have any schooling in magic or anything, Twilight. It was all make-believe on Earth. Rarity has more reason to know what you’re talking about on any given day than I ever will in this life since I can’t do much with magic.” The heartbroken look on her face hurt to see, but we were being honest. “Twilight, would you talk to Applejack or Rainbow about magic?”

“Well, no-”

“Why not?”

“Well, their magic is different and intrinsic-”

“And I wasn’t born with any intrinsic magic, Twi. My magic tricks are all sleight of hand. Fooling your eyes. I can’t cast a Levitation Spell; It’s more or less just something I think really hard about and do. No spell, no incantation. Other than that, what magic do I actually have?”

“... It just really seemed like you understood…”

“Like I said, I try. I really do try to remember everything you say, I just don’t know how it really applies to anything. If you say it, then that’s all I really know.”

“... Well, at least you listen and respond intelligently… Most of our friends just kind of smile and nod…”

“It’s because it’s something you’re passionate about. If you care about it, I’m going to at least try and understand because it’s something you’re interested in. The GalPals more or less see it as a quirk or a scholastic topic that doesn’t apply to them. I see it as a bridge into your mind so I can understand more about you.”

Twilight’s brow furrowed and she put on her thinking face for a moment. “... You always notice things about me that nopony else comments on…”

“You love magic and science. Are you ever going to stop trying to learn and understand more, or are you going to be the top expert in your field because no one else has your passion for the craft?”

She blushed. “Well, when you put it like that…” Twilight smiled, looking off towards the corner while hugging herself. The relaxed curve of her lips and the way the smile reached her eyes was as enchanting as always. “... I guess you don’t have to comment on something to notice it.”

“I comment on your cuteness whenever it’s appropriate.”

“And my butt. You comment on my butt almost as often as you tell me that I’m cute,” She tried to give me an admonishing look, but I didn’t give a fifth of a shite about it. “Don’t- What is that look for!?”

“Twilight, your arse is great. I mean seriously.” She blushed and covered her mouth. “If I were you, not only would I be purple, but I’d also wear the tightest trousers available because Christ. That little bounce you have-”

“Max! I do not jiggle!”

“No, you don’t. It’s a little bounce and it’s delectable.”

“I- Well, thanks, but my butt isn’t that-”

“Excuse you? Do we need to go around town and test that ridiculous statement? Because, Twilight? You’re stacked-”

“Max!”

“Twilight, you’re slim in the waist, but your thighs are so nice. You’re at the fine line of slender, but golly Goddamn! I’m not an arse-to-mouth kinda guy, but fuck. It’s honestly incredible that you can look at another arse and think, ‘Shoot, that’s better than mine.’. If I had to pick between sandwiching my face between your arse-”

“Ohmygosh, Max!”

“It would be heavenly, but I’d rather have you hug my face with your thighs.”

Twilight was fanning herself already and held her hand out. “Okay, please…”

“What? You mean now?”

“... What are you asking about…?”

“Are you asking me to prove that I’m almost as attracted to your body as I am your mind?”

She puffed out a laugh, her face bright red. “Max, I think I understand.”

I shrugged. “It’s not my fault you’re hot. Blame your parents, not me.”

“Mhm, sure. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Yeah, I sure do be holdin’ this beauty whenever I can.”

“Hush.”

“Shut me up with kisses, otherwise I’ll start talking about your lips.”

She seemed to take it to heart in the exact opposite direction I meant it. “... What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your lips give the best kisses. Other mares? Their kisses are pointless when I have the Queen of snogging with the most perfect, softest, cutest, most kissable lips out of everyone I’ve ever had the displeasure of snogging before you. It’s like comparing water to a milkshake and you, Twilight, are fuckin’ shake with a cherry on top.”

“... Sometimes water is what you want, though.”

“It’s like comparing your arse to Rainbow’s; There’s no competition.”

“... Rainbow barely has one, Max.”

“First of all, that’s mean, even though I implied it. Second, other women are barely worth rolling over in bed for, meanwhile I cross town regularly to get a kiss from you.”

“Okay, that was mean, but it’s also incredibly flattering, and again, I feel like you’re trying to take this somewhere.”

“... Is complimenting you doing anything other than putting you in a good mood?”

“... Yes.”

“Well, all I was aiming for was the smile.”

“... And you’re sure about that?” She asked, giving me a sceptical look.

“... If I just wanted to get my rocks off, I wouldn’t give a shit about the current state of my relationship with Fluttershy.”

“Fair- Fair point… I’m sorry, it’s… It’s just not that often where you lay out so many at once.”

I shrugged. “It’s early and there’s a lot of reasons to have a bad day. If I can convince you to have a good one, why wouldn’t I?”

“... I have to admit… I do feel like some pretty hot stuff right about now.” Fuck yeah, loving that little smile, Cherry Berry.

“I don’t know why you wouldn’t in general. The only people who can really compete with you…” I thought about it.

“Max?”

“Hold on, I’m trying to think of people on your level of sheer attractiveness.”

She waited while I thought about it until I started losing track of time and really struggling. “... Max?”

“Hold up, I’m thinking…”

I don’t know how much time passed because that wasn’t important. “... Max, you-”

“I’m trying, give me a sec.”

“Max, that’s not what I’m saying.”

I looked at her, my brows furrowed. Twilight’s face was red and her fingers were steepled, her shoulders hunched, and her grin struggling to be restrained. “What are you saying?”

“... How long does it really take to think of somepony who’s prettier than me?”

“I dunno, I wasn’t tracking it. Time’s still running, honestly.”

“... You’re the sweetest pony, Max.”

“I smell and taste like chocolate and cherries-”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” The heartfelt expression she wore made me grin right back at her. “I love you, Max… Not just for what you say, and not just for how stupidly, nonsensically cute you are.”

“I love you too, and I have to admit, what you say is like, ten percent of it. I can’t dive into your world without you talking and your words are some of the best I’ve ever heard leaving someone’s mouth.”

“Goofy.” She rubbed her cheeks, probably trying to sap some of the warmth.

I stood up and got a kiss from her, followed by a few more that almost turned into something less innocent than some pecks, smooches, and snogging. There wasn’t much else we needed to discuss at the moment, but I did mention that I needed Spike and some paper since I didn’t want to use up all of my mobile notes. It wasn’t long before I let Applejack and Pinkie know the score, but Twilight asked why I wasn’t contacting the rest of the girls and I shrugged it off. It wasn’t hard to know why myself, but I just didn’t give a shite if Fluttershy knew and Rainbow would be a cunt about it beyond any reasonable level. If I needed someone else to understand the choice, then I would’ve explained it better. As it was, I didn’t care and left it up to Twilight to go support her sketchy, morally shitty friend.

I left and went home to change into better clothes for Court, but Celestia sent me a note and warned me against going since we both knew that Rarity would drag my name through the mud, and if I was there to defend myself, then she wasn’t going to have much of a hope. Instead of doing nothing and being pissed at being told to cool my heels, I decided to clean my house, even though nothing was dirty, honestly. I mean, dust bunnies and a coffee stain were all I could find on a casual walkthrough. After sweeping and wiping the one coffee stain up, I took my time in scanning the premises for more things to fix. My bullshit perception meant that I could spot the smallest crumb wherever it decided to hide, so cleaning was something that I was constantly doing. It wasn’t just that I liked to keep things presentable, I actually felt a strong compulsion to look for things to clean since I like to take care of my crap. If it’s worth having, it’s worth looking after.

Twilight eventually sent me a note in her own handwriting that I took ten minutes to read. Not because it was a long letter, but her fucking penmanship. Absolute trash, which really did prove the whole ‘Messy marks mean a malleable mind’ thing that I heard from time to time when I was younger. Unfortunately, people compare my shit to calligraphy or script-fonts, so I guess I’m just lucky to be able to tie my shoes if the trend holds true for the opposite. That being said, my girlfriend was asking if it was a good idea to bring Spike over, so I told her that it was fine as long as he knew that he was grounded in my house too.

A little while later and I saw my favourite Pony and my favourite Dragon in the same stroke. It was pretty nice. Spike played some music and grabbed one of my trays to do his daily book report on, so I figured I’d do a little creative writing since my muse was being extra affectionate. Twilight skimmed through my journals while I scribbled on with my drivel, though she went back and did a deeper read once she’d gotten the general idea. I tried to ignore Twilight’s reactions to some of the darker aspects of my thoughts, but it was hard for me to sit by while she looked into my soul and saw my sins. I felt like there was constant judgement on myself and my very thoughts, but I hoped that her reading wouldn’t colour her opinion of me too terribly. The parallel to my experience with Noir wasn’t lost on me in any sense. I already got the picture, but the point was driven home while Twilight browsed through my own introspections and retrospectives. It’s not easy to let someone into your mind in the first place and having them wince at shite you wrote? Rough.

Twilight suddenly sat up while I was stewing in my own fetid brain-juices. “Did you really threaten to eat Diamond Tiara for bullying Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle?”

Man, fuck. I nodded. “I did.”

“... Don’t do that again. It wasn’t that bad in my mind, but she was really scared if you wrote it down right,” Twilight requested.

“Threats are what bullies understand, Cherry. It’s not my only option, but it’s the most effective one.”

“I’d still rather you not.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

“I guess that’s all I can ask.” She sighed before laying back down on my leg

When she didn’t continue reading, I asked, “Is something wrong? Other than the obvious.”

“It’s just… Your morals are weird. The same protective instinct that makes you threaten teenagers comes from the same place where those gentle words of warning come from. The… Rage, that boils in your blood when someone insults you only comes when they’re not right in any sense of the word, otherwise you take it as critique. You’re… Situational. A morally grey pony with little regard for how other ponies feel sometimes, but the most compassionate guy I’ve ever met the next day… It’s so interesting to see the patterns in your own words, but at the same time, it’s a little jarring to know that you can casually despise someone without them knowing.”

“I guess I’m a little more complex than I thought.”

“It’s obvious enough to everypony else that you’re kind of complicated.”

“Maybe by Equestrian standards. I’m not that unusual on Earth.”

“Sure, but I read through the part about Pinkie stealing your journal and I have to ask; What does ‘cunt’ mean?”

“It’s a slur. It actually means vagina, but it’s a terribly offensive word from my world, though I don’t know why.”

“So why call Pinkie ‘Cuntie’ if you don’t know why it’s mean?” Twilight asked.

“Because it got my point across,” I said simply.

“And you really flipped a coin on whether or not you would stop calling Pinkie that name?”

“Yup. How many times have I told you that I’m not a good person?”

“A lot, and I get it. The way you do terrible things so casually kind of surprises me, but what’s really interesting is how much you’ve changed over the last few months you’ve been here. You went from secretive and friendly to open and grim a few times. A lot of your journals are hard to read.”

“I understand that. Ponies aren’t exactly used to the minds of Humans, and I tend to be a little less nice than some.”

Twilight reached up and caressed my cheek. “But it’s just who you are. You’ve said multiple times in your journals that you torture yourself over your mistakes and, if I’m not mistaken, that’s the reason you used hurt yourself so often…” She trailed off and looked at me expectantly.

I raised a brow. “I haven’t since we talked about it.”

Twilight smiled. “And just like that, you make progress. I’m proud of you, Max.”

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t stop my face from warming. “Thanks Cherry, but I still have work to do.”

“That might be true, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take pride in your accomplishments so far,” Twilight admonished gently.

I put my hand on her tummy and rubbed it because I felt like it. “I’m not saying that I’m not proud, I’m just saying that I can’t get complacent. I’ve got to keep moving forward.”

“Yeeeah?” Twilight said dreamily.

I gave her a funny look and stopped rubbing her tummy. Twilight returned to normal, though she still had a distant look on her face, so I went back to doing what I’d been doing. Twilight seemed to melt into my couch, though I couldn’t quite understand why until I put two and two together. With a grin, I put my writing aside and rubbed Twilight ears while giving her tummy the same attention and she appeared to be in bliss, though I didn’t really understand the reasoning behind it. I stopped once Twilight’s freakishly long tongue lolled out of her mouth, despite being tempted to continue just to see what else would happen if I kept going. It took Twilight a minute to come back to me, but once she did, she practically dragged me upstairs and gave me one of the best mouth hugs I’d ever received in my life.

I made a note to do that again, and I also gotta say it was fun to reciprocate as well. In any case, we might have went to bed a bit early, but it was still a very good night.

Morning came and I didn’t have socks on, so I was pretty content. Twilight wasn’t going to be up until the Sun rose at the earliest, and it was about five in the morning when I got up, which meant that I had a few hours of alone time to fill. After preparing for my day in the usual way, I came back upstairs and levitated Twilight out of bed with my tentacle, making sure not to wake her up. I traded my comforter for a smaller, though equally warm blanket and carried Twilight outside to my porch so I could watch the sunrise with her. I know it sounds creepy or inconsiderate of me to move her just so I could spend a nice moment with her, but at least I hadn’t woken her up. I figured that I’d probably be more okay with waking up somewhere I hadn’t laid down than with having someone wake me up just for some short event, but Twilight never woke up anyway, so it wasn’t like I had to tell her about it. I would, of course, but I could’ve just as easily kept that information to myself.

After some coffee, I took Twilight back to bed and cuddled up to her. I’d missed the simple act of sleeping with her during the times we’d spent the night in our own company instead of each other’s, and it was pleasant to get back to what and whom I loved. I don’t know if I used ‘whom’ correctly, but fuck you. Not you, Twilight, but anyone else. Twilight eventually got out of bed, though she mentioned that she’d had the strangest dream that she was floating around my house. I told her that it wasn’t a dream and that I’d brought her sleeping form along during my morning activities. She thought that it was a bit odd, but when I mentioned that having her around just made everything better regardless of whatever it was, she gave me a kiss and told me that I was sweet. It went better than it could have, all things said. In any case, Spike was up soon enough and helped me with breakfast, but he was still young and refused to accept that affection looks like hugs and kisses to me. At least he kept the gagging to a minimum.

Sadly, Twilight has her own house to look after, so she parted ways around noon, telling me that she would be back for the slumber party that I’d forgotten about. Once they were gone, I checked my pantry and ate a few more random things to satiate my monstrous appetite, although I’d only gone in there to check what kinds of snacks I had for the party. I ain’t had no shit, which meant that I was going to have to translocate my way into town, buy edible morsels, and haul them back. At least it was something to do. I went way overboard with the amount of snacks I bought, but my reasoning was that I didn’t want to have to make another trip anytime soon. That, and I fucking love pecan tarts. I ended up buying out Sugarcube Corner, but it was so incredibly worth it. Seriously, if someone committed murder in my town and bribed me with pecan tarts, they’d probably get away with it. The tarts were definitely mine, so I hid them in my icebox and covered them with some healthy nonsense so that no one would be tempted to go after them. Mine.

I considered writing for a few hours, but I didn’t visit Noir since Twilight was over, so I decided to see what my favourite eldritch being was doing. After closing my eyes and taking the customary three breaths, I was in my mindscape.I was expecting to see Noir doing something, anything, other than furiously masturbating with the hilt of a sword. I watched on in mild shock as she pistoned the pommel in and out of herself, and I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor as the Ol’ Chap rose to see what was going on. I have no idea how long I just stood there and stared, but I eventually had the wherewithal to take myself out of Noir’s private moment, even though I wanted nothing more than to watch until she finished. Honestly, I wanted to see what her O-face looked like, and I was curious as to whether or not she would cut herself during her orgasm, but my born and bred English Politeness™ wouldn’t allow me to fulfill my curiosity without risking being rude. I considered having a wank because the aforementioned event was fucking hot, but I felt like I should get Noir’s permission before thinking of her in that way, so I conjured up a replica of the bow Luna gave me and made some targets appear in the distance.

After my first few shots went nowhere near the target, something in my mind just clicked. It was almost as if I’d held a bow before, despite never even having seen a real one. I wondered what the Hell was happening as I adjusted my stance like I’d done it a thousand times before. For some odd reason, it felt like I’d borrowed someone else’s skills and was using them for myself, holding multiple arrows as I prepared to fire them one after another. It was a new sensation and one that I was fond of.

In my new stance, I conjured a quiver of arrows and slung them around my hip, taking three at once, holding the two I wasn’t using in the same hand I drew the bow with. I remembered that holding a few arrows at once was an old technique with many variations, although the particular way I was holding mine didn’t strike me as familiar. While my mind was racing, I took aim and let the first arrow fly, but I didn’t take long to send the other two racing after it, launching them within seconds of each other. The target was only about fifteen or so meters away, but I had hit the center of the target with each arrow, despite having no fucking clue how I did it. As I was pulling my arrows out of the target, I heard Noir cough a couple of times behind me and jumped hard, whirling around with my bow drawn in her face. Noir raised a brow, but she didn’t so much as flinch at having an arrow ready to fly into her skull. I relaxed the bow and let out a breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

I laughed and let the tension ease from the bow. “Christ, way to sneak up on a guy. Someone would’ve got shot if I was holding a gun.”

“All the more reason not to use them. However, I must ask your forgiveness-”

“For what?”

“I did not mean to carry on past your arrival. I sensed that you were coming and felt that I could finish before you came.”

“... Okay. It’s not like you haven’t watched me wank before. Sorry for not leaving immediately.”

“... I should have known that you would have little to say on the matter, though I apologize nonetheless.”

“We both know that I would’ve watched if I knew it was okay, so why are you sorry?”

“To be honest, I just felt the need to address it and an apology felt most apt for the situation.”

“Should I stay and offer to help next time, or…?”

“Hush.” Noir’s blush didn’t fade. “At least you liked what you saw.”

“How could I not? You already know that I think you’re only slightly less attractive than Twilight, and that’s saying a lot,” I emphasized.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Yes, comparing one woman to another is a great way to get in her good graces.”

I shrugged. “You know what I mean when I say things in general. It’s hard to give a damn about what exactly the diction is when I know you understand what I mean. It’s kind of nice.”

“Could you try to be a little more clear anyway? Just because I know what you intended on saying does not mean that I would not like to be complimented properly.”

I nodded. “Rewinding. Error found: Correcting.” Noir gave me an odd look. “How could I not? You already know I think that you’re one of the sexiest, most attractive women I’ve ever met. It doesn’t hurt that you’re pleasant, well mannered, and intelligent as well as adventurous.”

Noir nodded, her blush returning. “Much better.”

I shook my head at her. “Making me be nice is evil.”

“Making you speak to me as you would any other woman you intend on laying is sensical. If you keep it up, you will come closer to your goal.”

I shrugged. “Just because I want to put my wonky willy in your honey hole doesn’t mean that I’m in a hurry to do so. We have nearly two thousand years to have sex, so why rush it?”

“Actually, if you so desire, I could most likely extend your life so that you live through your second millennia,” Noir offered.

“I went through all the trouble of saying ‘wonky willy’ and ‘honey hole’, and you don’t even comment on it?” I asked, mildly offended. I don’t wanna-

“If you get offendered, your booty is surrendered,” Noir replied gravely.

“What the fuck?”

“‘What the fuck’ indeed. You are not the only one who can spout vulgar nonsense.” Noir smirked.

I sighed. “You’re never going to beat me at my own game, dame. If you think you can, your brain is lame. Everyone knows my nonsense has fame.”

“You were stretching for the last one.”

“I’ll stretch you. Oh wait, you do that to yourself.” I rolled my eyes. “I swear, if you whip out something from Bad Dragon, I’m never talking to you again.”

Noir closed her eyes and I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of phalluses. “You were saying?”

“...I dare you to take one in the bum.”

She shook her head. “That is not happening. I prefer Pony penis, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome, but I’d love to see that some time. Speaking of things to put in orifices, why were you using a sword?” I asked, genuinely befuddled.

Noir’s nearly black fur lit up bright red. “Satisfying one’s needs while en route to a battle is difficult when you worry about taking stamina from your own soldiers.”

“You know you can use whatever toys I’ve seen, right?

“I am more familiar with my sword.”

I conjured up a pair of knickers with a little extra sewn into them. “I’ve always wanted to try these as Roxy, but I suppose I could let you have the first go.”

Noir magicked up a controller and tucked both items into a pocket. “I may use these once you leave. Now, shall we find something to do while you’re here?”

I hefted the bow on my shoulder. “I’d like to keep practicing with this, if you don’t mind. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I’m one hell of a shot.”

Noir chuckled. “It would seem that between Luna’s enchanted bow and my former prowess with archery, you have absorbed some of our skill. It may have something to do with your past life, but I cannot tell you about that in any case.”

“Past life? Are you saying that reincarnation is a thing?” My heart started aching and Noir clutched at her chest.

“It is unwise to continue this conversation. As old as I am, I do not wish to die yet.” Noir said, her voice shaking slightly

“I’m with you there, save for the old part. Let's put some arrows in a thing, yeah?”

And so we did. Noir was a better shot with the bow than I was, but once I introduced crossbows into the equation, we were on an equal playing field. I’d been mildly interested in them while I’d lived in England, so I could probably build a half decent one if I ever felt the need to do so, but in my mindscape, I could create one in whatever color I wanted, so that was pretty gnarly, dude. Noir eventually tired of the crossbow and switched weapons in favor of something called an atlatl. It came in two parts: a stick with a loop on the end of it and a dart that could be fitted into the loop so you could throw it. I thought it was a fantastically simple weapon that was surprisingly effective, but I preferred the bow by far since I could shoot it much faster and it did much more damage. Noir felt the same way, so we switched back to shooting bows and went for some MLG trickshots. We nearly shot each other on multiple occasions, but it was a fun way to blow a couple of hours.

Noir let me know that I had a visitor and that our time was up as a chime rang across the mindscape. It sucked to part from her early, but there was some shit I had to attend to, which came in the form of someone I’d had arrested. Rarity Belle was at my door and I nearly slammed it in her face when our eyes met. “Rarity.”

She looked down. “... Hello Max.”

“I trust that Court went better than it would’ve for anyone else?”

“I… Well, yes, but… Max, I came to apologize…”

“For what?”

“For the bouquet. For Sweetie Belle… For being a bad friend.”

“We’ve had this conversation before with a few less topics.”

She winced. “I… I know.”

I folded my arms, staring her down. “Rarity, it’s not worth my time to keep giving you chance after chance. Not when you fuck me over at least once every time I do and never actually get punished for it. Backing you fucked up my name and is probably the reason I got put on Blueblood’s radar. You tried to fuck me over on our business deal. You tried to rape me. I don’t have many reasons to like you, Rarity. What reason would be good enough to accept your apology when I can’t trust you not to turn around and do something worse?”

“... Ponies can change, Max… I just need some time,” She intoned softly, still not meeting my eyes.

“Then take it away from me. I’m not letting you burn me again, Rarity. It’s a shame I can say it shouldn’t have taken this long to be done with you.”

“Max… We never gave up on you… Why would you give up on me?” She asked, desperation in her eyes.

“Because whenever I try to pay you back for something you did for me, I get burned for it. Because doing you a favour doesn’t usually work out for anyone other than you. Because it’s taken you this long to see that something needed to change, Rarity.”

“... Then…” Rarity sighed and pursed her lips. “... I suppose I should make some changes before trying to garner your support.”

“I’ll be keeping an eye on you. I hope you succeed, Rarity. I really do,” I lied.

She offered me a little smile. “I will… If nothing else than to be satisfied with the mare that I am.”

With that, Rarity took her leave and fucked off from there, but I had a slumber party to set up, despite not wanting to do so. I went to go start laying snacks out because there fuck all left to do. My house was clean, I had the food, and I was pretty sure that everyone knew to bring a bathing suit, so that was taken care of. I thought about the fact that I would be surrounded by half naked women for a good portion of the night, but nothing would compare to Twilight in a bikini or Noir fucking herself with a sword. Twilight in a bikini would be a treat, and I have to admit that I did briefly regret not taking a closer look while Noir was fucking herself with a sword for the simple fact that I kind of wanted to know the logistics of it.

In any case, Fluttershy was the first to show up followed by Applejack, both of whom were seeming pretty close. While AJ was off in the basement getting liquor, I asked Fluttershy if she’d ever masturbated with something dangerous since I was sure that she had at some point. I’d walked in on the girl grinding against a bird feeder once or twice, so it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find that she’d stuck the odd knife handle in her no-no zone. Although I wasn’t sure how to phrase the question, I didn’t think it would be that important. It really didn’t turn out to be.

Fluttershy did not realize that Applejack had returned when she started listing off hammers, knives, wrenches, and the like, but I was sure to point her out after Fluttershy finished with her list. The buttery fluttery woman was terribly embarrassed, but I assured her that a few everyday objects between friends was nothing to worry about. Applejack got a chuckle out of it until I asked her what she’d used, but she couldn’t really say that she actually did all that often. AJ was mostly an old-fashioned kind of gal and wasn’t afraid to put in some elbow grease, though she did mention that she’d used a cucumber once or twice. Fluttershy lauded her choice, but it wasn’t really brought up again until I pointed out that Fluttershy always used cucumber in her salads.

The rest of the rainbow crew showed up before I could orchestrate another awkward moment, so I sighed and acted like a good host, pointing out the snacks and refreshments to Pinkie and Rainbow so they wouldn’t go digging through my icebox. Twilight asked me if I wanted to become Roxy for the party, but I really just wasn’t in the mood for it. Pinkie still dove into my icebox later on, and when she found my pecan tarts, I gave her the blackest look I could manage without Dark Magic. When she ate one, I gave her A Black Eye and Pinkie took a nap, though the girls didn’t know why she’d suddenly passed out.

Don’t fuck with my Goddamn tarts.

Twilight eventually put it together and chewed me out for using Dark Magic against one of our own friends, but I told her that I would use it against anyone except her if they were going after the precious, my precious. Twilight went over and ate one of my tarts just to be difficult and I was tempted to swear at her until my tart came out of her stomach, but I couldn’t bring myself to be all that upset with her, so I sat her down and partially explained why I was so hurt that she’d eaten my tart. Twilight laughed in my face until I told her the real reason, after which she felt terrible, which was the fucking point. If she didn’t want to feel bad, she shouldn’t have eaten my tart. Granny Altham had been kind enough to make them for me whenever I was down, so the memories were fond whenever I snacked on them.

After that little incident, I made it clear that anyone who went after my tarts would be escorted onto my foot, arse first. After that simple fact was understood, Twilight had me release my magic from Pinkie so she could wake her up, though she had me do so secretly so the rest of the girls wouldn’t learn about Noir. All I’d had to do was touch Pinkie’s forehead, and when she woke up, I told her that going after my tarts would get her barred from the hot tub for life, but Pinkie argued that it ‘just isn't fair!’. I’d bought Sugarcube Corner’s entire supply of pecan tarts, and no one was going to get one. I told her that someone should have gotten to them before I did if they wanted them so badly.

The rest of the night passed somewhat quickly until it was time for the hot tub, but when that time came around, I was incredibly disappointed. Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy all wore modest one pieces that left a lot to the imagination, and Pinkie was the only one who wore anything close to sexy. Of course Twilight was still more attractive than all of them put together, but I wished that she would show a little more skin- Er, well, fur. That thought made me ask what color ponies were under their fur, and it was unanimous that a shaved Pony looked kind of like me, but less sexy. The sexy part was all me, but no one disagreed.

As always, I took the seat next to the control panel, but I made sure that I wasn’t sitting on the nozzle when I turned the secret jets on. Every face in the tub besides mine lit up instantly and I was yelled at by Applejack and Twilight for messing around too much. I was just having a bit of fun, and I didn’t really see what the problem was. Fluttershy hadn't moved or said anything, and Rainbow had just moved off of the nozzle. Pinkie was slutty, so she made her enjoyment of it obvious, but their reactions didn’t make getting bitched at worth it, so I turned off the secret jets and made the hot tub into my own personal time machine. I let my shoulders fall below the water level and the girls did the same once I’d turned the secret jets off and turned the normal ones on.

After a nice, relaxing soak, we got dried off and dressed for a quick tourney on the billiards table. Twilight and I were put against each other in the very first bracket so we wouldn’t just sweep both sides, but when I won, I did just that. I steamrolled everyone since Twilight wasn’t in estrus anymore, but that didn’t mean that the purple Uni-mage was a negligible threat. She might have been taking it easy against the rest of the girls, however, Twilight still wanted to squash me during the second round, but I was on fire. Literally. Pinkie set my trousers on fire to cheat. Twilight rushed to put me out before I could get hurt, but when they extinguished the flame, my clothes weren’t even burned, so I couldn’t be too mad at Pinkie

Once I was done wrecking face in billiards, we moved on to a new game that was a fusion of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. One player would spin the bottle and whoever it landed on had to ask the spinner truth or dare, which really didn’t seem like that different of a game to me. I learned otherwise when I spun the bottle and it landed on Pinkie.

Pinkie beamed at me. “Alright Maxy, truth or dare?”

I shrugged. “Dare. Do your worst.”

Pinkie manic smile turned devilish. “You know you’ll lose if you say no, right?”

I levelled a calm gaze at her. “And you know what will and won’t fly.”

She tapped her chin. “Well, I was thinking about that. What if we raised the stakes?”

I raised a brow. “I’m listening.”

“The first three losers have to eat a tablespoon of my newest hot sauce!”

There were shudders around the circle. I smirked at Pinkie. “Sounds fine by me. What’s your dare?”

Pinkie grinned. “Lick Twilight between the legs.”

My brow rose again. “Right here?”

“Hold on, I’m so not okay with that.” Twilight objected. “Pinkie, that’s a little much.”

“I don’t see nothin’ wrong with it. It’s not like we all haven’t seen you two swappin' tongues before. What’s one little lick?” Applejack put her two cents in.

Pinkie beamed at Twilight. “If you refuse a dare, you lose!”

Twilight’s pupils shrank. “B-But it’s not my dare!”

“I think Max is willing to do it, right?” Pinkie asked.

“Depends on how uncomfortable you intend on making Twilight. If you let her keep her pants on, it’s fine by me.” I answered.

Pinkie beamed and turned to Twilight. “So that means it’s you holding up the party!”

Twilight wrung her hands. I could see the turmoil in her eyes, but she eventually just sighed. “Alright, but I want it to be clear that Max is mine.”

There were nods around the circle, so Twilight sighed again and laid back for me. It crossed my mind to quickly remove her bottoms to get a taste of her honeypot, but that struck me as completely fucking retarded, so I settled for licking Twilight’s pajamas and moved back to my seat. She sat up with a bright blush on her face and we continued on with the game.

Fluttershy had the next spin and it landed on Rainbow Dash. Flutters picked truth like a pusillanimous punk, so Rainbow asked who she’d sleep with out of everyone in the circle besides me. The buttery fluttery one flustered for a moment, even though it was obviously Applejack. Speaking of, Twilight had the next spin and landed on AJ. Now, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned Applejack’s deviant streak, but it’s impressive. The woman is practically Fluttershy or Fleur when she’s in estrus, so I wasn’t exactly surprised when she told Twilight to return the favor, but this time, with my trousers off. I’d get to keep my pants, but that didn’t stop Twilight and I from blushing. Twilight wasn’t too keen on performing intimate acts in the company of others and I wasn’t too fond of where this was going, so I asked that we bar sexual shite from the equation. Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy all argued that oral and touching was perfectly fine, but I pointed out that I could smell that at least two of them were in estrus and that it was generally a bad idea to go that far unless they had some relief in sight.

I was dutifully ignored and Rainbow joined their side, but Twilight and I were firmly against going any further than over-the-clothes contact. The two of us weren’t budging and I swore that I would end the game if they kept pressing the matter. Since I’m pretty much in charge because I’m the least retarded (most of the time), I started giving long, bullshit arguments against whatever Applejack, Pinkie, or Fluttershy had to say and eventually just buried them in so many words that they gave up.

It was still Twilight’s dare, but she just couldn’t bring herself to give me the lick, so she was the first one out. Pinkie grabbed a spoon and her hot sauce from her mane. I swear the mixture bubbled as she poured, and I felt so sorry for Twilight, but she was the one who balked. I cringed Pinkie applied the punishment for her, putting the spoon in her mouth while Twilight’s eyes were clamped shut, then suddenly, Pinkie tilted the spoon and the second the first drop touched Twilight’s tongue, I could see every muscle in her body tense up, and literal fire shot out of her mouth, scorching Pinkie’s face, turning her fur a nice sooty black. Twilight coughed up smoke as she tried to crawl into my kitchen and Pinkie was trying to get the taste of ashes out of her mouth, so I did them both a favor and grabbed Twilight a bottle of milk and Pinkie a shot of whiskey. Twilight drank the milk in two gulps, but the fire in her mouth wouldn’t go out, so she panicked hard and tried to come to me. I met her halfway and held her while she cried the pain away. After everyone agreed, we put an end to Pinkie’s hot sauce then and there and the game was over.

We rounded the night up and Twilight joined me in my bed for some sleepytime cuddles. Instead of the usual ‘Big Spoon Little Spoon' thing we usually did, Twilight wanted to try cuddling with my head resting on her arm like she was trying to hug my brain, but it’s not like I had a problem with it. My face was warm all night, but then again it was basically a long, continuous hug that was extra nice since I got to be that much closer to Twilight. She fell asleep a while before I did, so I took the time to enjoy the moment and almost managed to drift off myself.

However, I took the time to go see Noir since I’d failed to sleep, but she cut our visit short. She told me that I would probably enjoy sleeping with Twilight more than hanging out with her. She wasn’t wrong, so I told her to have a good night, but I had to ask if she slept at all while she was in my mindscape. Noir let me know that the closest thing she had to slumber was deep meditation that I was currently interrupting, so I caught the hint and skedaddled. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep once I got back, though I did cuddle a little closer to Twilight.

A few days went by and nothing important or terribly worthy of mentioning happened. I did remember to ask Mary about the water works around Ponyville, but she completely misunderstood what I meant and offered to wee on me, if that was really my kink. I told her that I was actually asking about how water was recycled in Equestria and how it was pumped in, but Mary just said ‘Magic’ and pretty much left it at that since that was basically all she knew. Magic was just Equestria’s bullshit excuse for being lazy, so I bitched at Mary for being short. The two things have nothing to do with each other, but I needed a reason to tell Mary how I really felt about her height, and once I did, I left her dazed and confused. I liked doing that, so I went over to Sugarcube Corner and bitched at Pinkie for being annoyingly cute and huggable, but she gave as good as she got and chewed me out for not having fur. The Cakes were rather confused since we were acting like we were mad for no real reason, so Pinkie and I turned our attention toward them.

I let Mr. Cake have it for making delicious cakes and Pinkie Pie took Mrs. Cake aside and complained about having such a fun job. Needless to say, we confused the fuck out of them, but we managed to get Pinkie a day off, so that was cool. We walked around town, bitching at strangers for the colors of their coats, their hairstyles, choice of attire, and their faces. We never actually insulted anyone, so we mostly just left a handful of confused people around town, though there was this one tan guy with a brown mane who gave as good as he got. I threatened to give him a cupcake if he kept it up and he, in turn, threatened to give me a wheel of cheese for my troubles. We actually did trade edible things, so I had to carry around a big fucking wheel of old cow milk while Pinkie and I walked around town

Rainbow Dash came to join us as we were making a second circuit around town, looking for another target. She didn’t quite get what we were doing, but she said that it was fun to watch us get mad at people, then watch them get mad only to realize that we weren’t actually saying anything to them. Rainbow tried once, but she actually insulted someone, so I stepped in and apologized on her behalf, explaining what should have happened to the poor mare she’d called ugly. Thankfully, the lady understood the need to find something to do around such a small town and even offered to suck me off once she realized who I was.

I ended that conversation quickly.

Offers of infidelity aside, I took Pinkie and Rainbow around town to mess with people some more. I stopped by the Joke Shop and picked up a few pieces of fake poo, two fake ice cubes with flies in them, and the biggest dildo the guy had in the back of the shop. I had Rainbow hold the dildo since she’d been a dick earlier and let Pinkie hold the fake ice cubes because she was as annoying as a fly. I took the fake poo because I’m a shitty person and with our pranks in hand, I wrapped the poo up and started giving it to strangers, begging them to accept my gift. Most people were happy to take my crap until they realized what it was, but the looks on their faces were priceless. Most ponies were perfectly fine with my little prank, but there was one stallion who threw the poo on the ground and stormed off, so fuck that guy.

I took our little trio to a little outdoor cafe and showed my wizardly skill at distracting people so that I could drop the fly cubes in their drinks. I never got caught, and once people started examining their drinks, all Hell broke loose and there were many angry customers in the cafe. I almost stepped in to clear things up, but Pinkie bounced into the fray and told everyone that the flies were fake, so most people calmed down quickly enough, laughing at their own needless anger. Unfortunately, we caught the same stallion from earlier and he stormed off again, though one of the waiters dragged him back and made the guy pay for his meal.

I figured that guy was just having a bad day, so I took the box with the dildo in it from Rainbow and offered it to him as an olive branch. When he opened the box, the fucker actually threw a punch at me, but it was slow and telegraphed so I dodged it rather easily. Some of the people that were in the cafe came to my defense and threatened to have the fellow arrested for attacking the highest ranking official in town. The prick apologized over and over again, but I wasn’t about to abuse my position, so I told him that there was nothing to worry about and thanked him for being a good sport since he’d gotten hit by all three pranks. My praise made him ashamed of his reactions, which was the fucking point in the first place. You don’t always have to be mean to make someone feel bad.

Since pranking had gone pretty badly, I decided to take Pinkie and Rainbow to the park to see if we could find some people willing to play a game of soccer, which was called ‘Hoofball’ here. Damn Americans and their penchant for having dumb names for things. They’re biscuits, not cookies, and they’re scones, not biscuits. Fucking idiots; It even carried over across worlds. There were plenty of people out and about since it was so nice, but there were few males willing to play a contact sport involving two small females, so I dared them to race Rainbow and Pinkie whenever the issue came up. Rainbow dusted the competition and Pinkie managed to beat most people by a little bit, so soon enough, we had enough people for an eight man game.

I’d never actually played American Football, so I had to have the rules explained to me once or twice. It reminded me a lot of rugby, but we weren’t going to be brutalizing each other, so it wasn’t that close. Still, Rainbow was our ‘quarterback’ and since I wasn’t as fast as most, I was playing it close to the line as a ‘running back’. My ankle breaking jukes were absolutely savage, and I actually did make someone twist a hoof once or twice while playing, so that was pretty ego boosting.

Besides the pranking and Hoofball game, three days passed without event. On the fourth day, I got out of bed, stood up, and laid back down again. Someway, somehow, I’d gotten sick, and now I was ready to stick my head in a hole and be done with the world. After resting for another hour, I gathered the strength to go downstairs and brought along all of my necessary materials for an extended stay on my couch. I sent a note to Twilight with Dragon Fire, telling her that I was going to be at home for the day and when she wrote back asking why I was bailing on her night, I gave her my symptoms and I didn’t have much more time to suffer in silence. Twilight apparently told Fluttershy that I was stuck on the couch because she arrived before my future wife did. I didn’t even hear her knock on the door, but she was in my living room mere seconds after I heard the door open.

Fluttershy sped to my side like she was Pinkie with a party to plan. “Max! Twilight-told-me-that-you-were-feeling-under-the-weather-and-I-just-couldn’t-let-you-suffer-and-be-sick-without-having-somepony-to-take-care-of-you-but-I-know-Twilight-is-going-to-be-here-soon-but-I-live-closer-so-”

I wearily held up a hand and she stopped talking. “I’m sick, not dying. Calm down, Poppet.” As far as I know, anyways.

Fluttershy nodded and opened the bag she had been carrying. “Right. Can I make you some soup?”

“Sounds lovely.” I sighed.

Fluttershy went into the kitchen and started going through my stores of veggies to make some vegetable soup while I cooled my heels on the couch. I actually dozed off for a little bit, but I woke up when I heard Twilight close the front door. Fluttershy went to greet her and I sat up so I could grab the bowl of soup she’d left for me on the table. It was still nice and warm, though it could have used a little salt. In any case, it was pretty good so I was making some decent progress when Twilight and Fluttershy joined me.

Being cared for was a little irritating since I wasn’t a fucking invalid, but it was nice to know that my friend and my lover were willing to lend a hand while I was down and out. I was still confused as to why I was sick in the first place, so Twilight tried running some of her limited medical spells, but nothing turned up. Something told me to ask Noir since she was literally inside my body, so I excused myself from reality, but when I went to enter my mindscape, I couldn’t get in, no matter how long I tried to get in.

That worried me more than being sick, so I wrote out a note to Luna and hoped that she would have the time to come inspect whatever was going on for herself. Fluttershy asked me why I didn’t ask Celestia so I told her that Luna and I had a special thing going on and that I was sure that it had something to do with it. Fluttershy completely misunderstood and spent far too much time trying to assure Twilight that there was nothing between myself and Luna, but I wasn’t in the mood to correct her, so I just sighed and laid back down.

Twilight eventually got her point across, telling Fluttershy that Luna and I were just friends with a secret that couldn’t really be shared. Fluttershy was pretty embarrassed about jumping to conclusions, so I gave her an excuse to leave the room in the form of asking her to grab me some more soup. Shit was great and it helped with the nausea for some reason, so I actually did want her to get me some more anyway. I didn’t want to drink and I figured a little bit of the stinky herb wouldn’t kill me, but Twilight kept me awake long enough for Fluttershy to come back with more soup. I wasn’t really one for conversation and I’d already grabbed most of the things I’d wanted to before I came down, so Twilight and Fluttershy were basically just babysitting while I waited for Luna to respond to my note. The day passed quickly since I slept off and on, and when Luna finally did reply to my note, I told her that something was wrong and that I couldn’t get in contact with Noir. Moments after sending the note, Luna teleported in and scared the Hell out of Twilight and Fluttershy.

She turned around and looked for me, so I said, “Over here.”

Luna cleared her throat and faced me. “Good evening, Max. So you can’t contact Noir at all?”

I sat up. “Nope, can’t even get into the mindscape. Can you see if something’s wrong?”

She nodded. “Of course. This will take but a moment.”

Luna closed her eyes and her magic enveloped me, tingling slightly. The tingling made me nauseous, so I laid back down and closed my eyes waiting for it to be over. A few minutes later, Luna opened her eyes and started pacing, but no one asked why she wasn’t saying anything. After another few minutes, Luna asked, “Maximus, do you have any known enemies?

“Not ones that are alive, not really. I tend to make more friends than I do enemies.” Or I kill people. I need to stop doing that… And done! Goddamn I’m tired.

Luna sighed. “That is exactly the problem. You are being cursed, and it is most likely through haunting. Somehow, the spirit that is bothering you is drawing off of your magic, growing stronger as you grow weaker. I can exercise it for you, but it will not be an easy or fun process.”

I sighed. “Then let’s get it over with already. No point in prolonging it.”

Luna shook her head and kneeled next to me. “I apologize for this, but with you, I have few choices.”

I gave her a look before Luna touched her horn to my forehead, not understanding what the fuck she was talking about until the pain started. I blacked out within seconds of the sudden agony, but it didn’t stop there. Luna forced me into my mindscape and I could see Noir swing her sword around at nothing in particular, though I wasn’t in any shape to ask what she was swinging at. I was crumpled on the ground in the fetal position, waiting for the pain to fade away completely while Luna joined Noir in swinging a sword around at nothing. Once I picked myself up off the ground, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I could see about fifteen or so translucent figures floating around Noir and Luna, though none of their frantic sword swing seemed to be doing any damage.

Without the feebleness that came with being sick, I was on my feet and prepared to join the fray when something incredibly stupid crossed my mind. I conjured up a sword made of silver and lead in one hand, and made another one crafted from pure iron in the other. With my short swords on my hips, I made a recoil-free gun with the other and started shooting lead, silver, and iron alloys at ghosty-bitches. It helped more than Luna and Noir were helping, so I threw them the swords with a little extra help.

“Oi! Silver and iron! Hit them with silver and iron!”

Noir caught the sword I tossed her, but I had to make the one I threw to Luna float next to her before she got the idea. However, with better weapons in their hands, the women made short work of the ghosts haunting me. The ghosts only reformed once or twice before they faded completely and with Noir going ballistic when she realized they were dying, Luna actually had to back off and didn’t get a chance to claim a second kill for herself when Noir got serious. It was actually kind of hot to see Noir get worked up, but then I heard someone inhale behind me and turned around in time to see none other than Mineral Zeal. She was trying to stab me, but it had been easier in the past than it was at the moment.

I dodged and imagined iron shackles to hold her down, making the spectre scream and glare at me. “Bastard! I will bucking destroy you!”

Noir was by my side in an instant, needing to be restrained before she killed Zeal. “Oi! Give me like, two seconds, Miss Stabby!”

She put her sword down and Luna came over, huffing. “Try-hard.”

Noir gave her a look. “I was irritated.”

“Of course you were.”

“Maybe you should be better in your craft before you criticize?”

Luna narrowed her eyes at the Shade. “I was simply pacing myself, unlike some people who would whip a blade around like an ape.”

“Yes, pacing yourself by being subdued into dodging and deflecting more than you were attacking, of course.”

“Would you like to test me?”

While they were getting into their pissing contest, I teleported Zeal and myself away since it seemed like they were going to be at it until it came to blows. With Zeal all to myself, I looked at her and she eventually took her eyes off of my arguing friends. “... Buck you.”

“You did. Actually, you raped me and died for it, so I’m not really mad about that. Why the fuck are you haunting me, though?”

“... Luna likes you and haunting her is suicidal.”

“Well, this didn’t turn out for the best on your end either.”

“I see that.”

I shrugged. “Zeal, I don’t hate you. You were a cunt in life and ate dirt to pay for what you did. This whole afterlife thing was a good chance to let it go and deal with yourself rather than what’s happened to you.”

She blinked. “... Are you retarded? That’s not how this works. At all.”

“I might be a touch dumber than your average picnic basket, but still. I’m pretty sure I can kill you now once and for all.”

“Then do it. Get it over with.”

“... Do you regret anything?” I asked… Out of some sense of mercy, I guess. Looking for something to tell the people I thought might miss her.

“I regret a lot of things, but not much of what I don’t like is stuff you want me to regret. I never had any illusions about who I was or what I was doing, and I don’t know why you’re even pretending to give a shit. Just get it over with.”

“Fair enough.” I conjured a gun since it felt more humane than anything else.

As I took aim, Noir pushed my hand down and sniffed, giving me a look. “Too quick for such a being, is it not?”

“Allow him to deal with his assailant as he pleases,” Luna huffed.

“Do you need another lesson?” Blackberry asked.

I looked to the Princess of the Night and saw an ‘L’ painted in neon yellow around her horn. It was unwise to react. “Okay, before you two get into another row...” I imagined a spear shooting out of a portal and it impaled Mineral Zeal in the temple, missing my mark and not being half as clean as intended. “Gross. Anyway, you may continue.”

Noir gave me a look. “I had questions.”

“I also had questions,” Luna parroted.

“Mm, no you two were having a fight and I had questions. They got answered. What are we doing now?”

Luna scratched her cheek. “I suppose we’re finished.”

I looked at Noir. “We’re not. I’ll see you soon, Luna.”

Noir raised a brow. “What do we have to talk about?”

“How about the fact that you kicked me out of my own mindscape while I was being haunted?” She pursed her lips. “Seems like you’ve been at it for a while with no luck. Should’ve let me help sooner.”

“... I should have, yes.”

Luna teleported out and I folded my arms. “Noir.”

“I thought I could handle the situation.”

“Took a little too long for you to realize that you couldn’t.”

“... I am sorry, but I was confident.”

I shrugged. “Now we know that I’m more useful than you might think.”

“... That was not what I meant to imply, Maximus. I simply thought your efforts and possible pain were not necessary.”

“Pain is a part of life. People keep telling me that I don’t have to fight my battles alone. Neither do you.”

“Indeed.”

“I care for you, Noir, but… Keep me in the loop, yeah?”

“Should there be news, I will share it.”

I nodded. “Then… Are you feeling alright?”

“Rarely better. It was good exercise to fight the ghosts of your past.”

“I see your clothes got cut and that’s about it.”

“Were you expecting more?”

I snorted. “Not really.”

Noir’s brow furrowed, her frown etching lines of worry into her face. “Max, I meant no offence, nor did I intend to sour your mood.”

I waved it aside. “We’re fine, I’m just annoyed that you have all my memories and didn’t think to use silver or iron.”

“Iron makes a weak weapon and silver does as well.”

“They didn’t have corporeal forms.”

“I will take your corporeal form into the hot tub and boil you.”

“Better than fried sausage, I guess,” I chuckled.

Blackberry’s frown eased a bit. “You would be good fried, but then again, so are most things.”

“You’d taste like a fried pie, Noir.”

“And you would be like fried chocolate and cherries. Lend me a finger?”

“Do you lactate?”

“Shut up, Max.”

“That was a legitimate question, though.”

“Max?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

“I’ll take that as a yes and get a milkshake from you later.”

Soft-served started pouring on my head, so I pelted Noir with pies until I could no longer see her in my chilly prison. Thinking the ice cream away was easy, but seeing that Noir was still sticky when I was freed was hilarious. “At least your pies were consistently good.”

“And your ice cream wasn’t half bad. Wanna mix them?”

She gave it some thought and shook her head. “It would be best if we saved it for another time. Luna likely thinks we’re arguing.”

“We are, just with pie and ice cream instead of words or fists.”

Noir smiled and waved. “I will see you soon.”

My eyes closed against my will and my response had to be swallowed in favour of addressing Luna’s approaching horn. “Oi, don’t poke me.”

She righted herself and gave me a salty look. “I trust you gave Noir an undue earful?”

“I said what I had to say and threw pie at her.”

“Less than I thought you would attempt,” Luna conceded.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a terrible person and you should remember that.” I popped my neck and rubbed the bony bits on the nape, finding that I was a little more tense than usual. “Ugh… Last time I lay down for half a day, I’ll tell you that much.”

Twilight tapped my shoulder and smiled hopefully. “So you’re feeling better?”

“By far, and may I just say you’re looking absolutely fuckin’ tasty today?”

She looked at her orange-cream sweater and the faded jeans she had on. “... Tasty?”

“I’m going to lick you at some point before you leave to see if you’re as sweet as you look right now. I really do like that outfit on you.”

Twilight blushed and Luna made a noise. “Th-Thank you, but it was just something I threw on to come over…”

“So it’s not something you’d usually put together?”

“Well, no, honestly…”

“Shame, the casual, comely look is right up your alley.”

Her blush deepened. “You- You really think so?”

“You pull off pretty much anything you put on, but yeah. Sky tones are definitely your thing.”

Her smile was lovely, but Luna cleared her throat. “If you’re done charming your filly?”

“Mare, but no, I’m never quite done with that.”

“Filly, and cease. We have more important matters to attend to.”

I looked around. “Yeah, like where the fuck is Fluttershy?”

“I sent her to your parlour and threatened her in order to make her cease her eavesdropping.”

“Sounds like Flutters. What are we attending to?”

“The next time you give Celestia an ultimatum, be well aware-”

“You’re not going to do anything if it’s justified, Luna. I’d already be on your shitlist if I didn’t understand that, and we can’t pretend like you’re waiting to handle the situation that is me. You’re reluctant to because I know the extended boundaries that have been set without a word being said about them. I get my privileges, you get yours.”

Luna raised a brow. “You get the privileges we give you, Maximus, and they can easily be rescinded. Do not think that because you rub elbows with royalty that you are one of us.”

“Either shut up about it or get out of my house.”

Luna squared her jaw, narrowing her eyes at me. “That tongue of yours could do with a little cropping.”

“And that flank of yours could do with a little washing. Go take a bath, smelly.”

“... Shut up, Max.”

I shrugged. “Twice in one day isn’t anywhere near my record, Luna. You need four more women and eight men to tie with April Second of Twenty-Fourteen.”

“... What?”

“The day when thirteen different people told me to shut up.”

“You- You did not track that. I refuse to believe it.”

“It really was thirteen people, but the date is subject to however I feel like remembering it.”

“Then claim thirteen as your lucky number as I am not going to hit you before leaving.”

“Don’t want any tea? I have snacks too.”

“... I am leaving.”

I pointed toward the door and she teleported out. “Fuckin’ bitch.”

Twilight chuckled nervously and shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you just got away with that…”

“Why not?”

She gave me an incredulous look. “Max, you backtalked Luna!”

“I do it all the time. It’s like, eighty-percent of our interactions.”

“... That’s insane.”

“You should hear how I talk to Celestia. If I did it in public, I’d be arrested for high treason without her being able to do much about it.”

“You… Scare me sometimes. Not because of what you do around me, but some of the choices you make.”

“It honestly gets me pretty far, and also Fluttershy.”

“Flutter-” It hit her. “Oh, I’ll get her!”

“Feel free. I’m gonna stretch these achy joints.”

Twilight fucked off and came back with Fluttershy while I was sitting seiza to pop my knees, though I remained in the position because it was pretty comfy. When Flutters came back and saw that I was feeling better, she tried to practically pour more soup down my throat to make sure I stayed feeling better and fretted over me like I was still sick. It was nice to see the nurturing side of Fluttershy after having seen the nympho in her for so long. With her acting more like a mother hen than the pseudo MILF she was, I was a lot more comfortable around her and it was easier to smile.

My good mood was apparently going to last since Fluttershy offered a massage and acted as a chiropractor in the same hour. My back felt better than it had in a while and she took her leave after mussing up my hair like I was her kid brother or something. Twilight took note in my change in attitude toward Fluttershy, but didn’t really seem to get why I was less distant with her. I explained that having Fluttershy see me as a constant option wasn’t anywhere near as nice as just having her as a friend, though my precious little lover didn’t really get the emotion behind my words. I didn’t think it mattered too much and let it go, instead taking to my writing and drivel since it had been a while.

The Midnight Stroll book was going well and my journals flowed easily onto the pages shortly after my creative flow petered out. Just making a few pages of progress was pretty satisfying, and having Twilight within reach the entire time just made the moment better. However, shortly after I finished writing and tried to initiate some cuddles, the spell on Twilight was broken and she remembered that she had a teenager at home that she needed to keep an eye on. I offered to come with her, but Twilight wanted me to stay home, have a soak in my tub, and rest for a while, just in case there was a mess to deal with when she got home. It didn’t make me happy to see her go, but I got a kiss and had to take what I could get.

I grabbed one of my cigars and headed into the hot tub/bath tub for a nice soak once Twilight was gone, as per her request. It was worth the time and I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t enjoying myself. I even added some soothing essential oils because Fleur had suggested that I use them sometime, and once I had my bath set up and my cigar lit, I was in Heaven. I couldn’t help but wonder what Noir was doing, but I also couldn’t shake the frustration I was feeling toward her. I smoked and soaked until my worries were ignorable, though I recognized that I probably should have just seen her and dealt with it. However a little distance felt key in maintaining our relationship.

With my acquired chill being a little on the lukewarm side of things, I got out of the tub, wondered about what I could do for the night, and came along the old standby for whenever life was getting a guy down and a quick shot of dopamine could do the trick. It’s a shame that Twilight’s camera shy, but that’s already saying a lot and I don’t need to comment on that further. All in all, the day was pretty unpleasant, but I’d had worse by far.

… And uh… I think that’s it for now.

Wondering what I was going to do for the day was pretty common, but for once, I already had something to do. It had been a couple of days since I’d gotten sick and Twilight invited me to go and see the Dragon Migration with her and the Galpals. She hadn’t said much about whether Spike was excited or not, but I had a funny feeling that he was the most invested in the whole trip and would likely have his own plans. As for the girls, I wasn’t too worried about them doing anything stupid, but realizing that made me worried anyway since the worst shite is the crap you don’t expect. In any case, I got my shite together in the hours before we were supposed to meet up, but I still headed to Twilight’s a bit early because why not?

The day was nice and cool out, so I took a jacket along with me just in case it got cold or something. I wasn’t expecting any sudden climate changes, but you never know. It was a short enough trip to Twilight’s house where she and Spike were already finished with breakfast. Before I even talked to Spike, I made sure that he was going and only then took the time to speak with him. He didn’t say much and was clipped when he spoke, declining Twilight’s offer for him to come along. I didn’t know that he’d already said no to seeing the migration, so I may have manipulated Cherry a little into thinking that it was perfectly fine and dandy and that I’d keep an eye on him in her stead. With Twilight satisfied and successfully rused into leaving, I waited around with Spike in the kitchen and felt the archipelago in the moment pretty hard.

He eventually broke the silence with, “So why did you really stay behind, Max? You know I’m not going to break rules. You vouch for me all the time.”

“I know.”

“... I’m okay, mate.”

“No you’re not. You don’t want to go because your heart’s breaking where you stand, Spike. Who else is gonna have any clue what you’re going through besides the one other person you know who lives in a similar pair of shoes?”

“... Then you know why I don’t wanna go.”

“I also know that I think you should.”

“Why?” He stood up from the table, going over to finger the towel in front of the sink. “... It’s not gonna be what I want it to be, Max. I think we both know that.”

“What do you want it to be?”

“... I don’t know. And I don’t want to get something I don’t want.”

“The experience of talking to your own people is valuable, Spike.”

He hung his head. “And what will it give me, Max? The realization that I don’t belong with Ponies? Or the fact that I’m not gonna belong with Dragons either? Because I know I’m stuck between being a normal Equestrian and being a fire-breathing lizard… I face it every day, mate… I don’t want to choke on it too.”

Damned if I don’t get where you’re coming from. “The hardest pills to swallow help you the most. You once told me that you’d give anything to talk to another Dragon. That you wanted to know more about your people and what your culture is like. I’m not saying I don’t get why you’re reluctant because honestly? It’d be kinda hard to see a bunch of Humans right now and not want to be with them. That being said, I’m in love with a Pony. I live in a Pony town. I’m a Baron of Pony lands. Most of who I know on this planet are Ponies. Regardless of those Humans and how much I want to be with them, I like my life enough to keep it. It’s also just nice to think about seeing the other side and what could have been.”

“I get that, and I’ve thought about it… Just seeing what other Dragons are like in general, or even meeting some closer to my age. I want to, Max, it’s just… It can go really wrong really fast.”

“And if you have an Operative backing you up?”

He turned, a small smile on his face. “... Then I guess I wouldn’t have all that much to be afraid of.”

“I’ve got your back, Spike. You want to meet a Dragon? I’ll introduce you myself.”

“... Do you have a plan?”

“It involves a fucktonne of walking, but yeah.”

“What if I knew where they were going?”

“That would be helpful, yes.”

“Then… I guess we’re ready to go.”

This is gonna suck. I know it’s gonna suck. It’s still something we gotta do. “If anything goes bad, let me handle it. If anything goes good, then we brag our arses off. If things get too good, we do not tell Twilight.”

“... What?”

“Warming up the nonsense since it honestly helps me get out of trouble.”

“Yeah, but what about me?”

“Play along.”

“... This is a bad idea.”

“My feelings. Who else do you know with as much sense as me?”

“Most of the books in this library, and that includes the jokes books.”

“Fuck off, then.”

“We’re fucking off… Now!” He pointed toward the doorway and started walking.

Getting out of town was easy enough, but it didn’t take long for Spike to want to turn back. However, he was usually all too happy to listen to my reasoning and just needed some encouragement to get out and about along the two or three hours we’d be walking to some damn mountain I’d barely ever seen over the Everfree. Apparently it was a dormant volcano, but no one had ever told me prior to my mini-journey with Spike. The things you learn when you take a long walk, I guess.

In any case, traveling is boring and Spike was too excited or nervous to answer much of what I asked, but there was enough said for me to get the idea of what he wanted to ask the Dragons. I didn’t know how to feel about more or less talking him into an experience that he would likely never have the chance to seize again. Little Bruv was right when he said that it could go all too wrong faster than I could fix the situation, but there was also the chance that the whole experience turned out to be just what Spike needed to feel more like he was an Equestrian instead of an outsider. It was something I didn’t necessarily struggle with, but that’s because I’m fucking British. English to be exact, but still. I knew where I was from and had a chance to live among my people. Spike had never got the chance to see what other Dragons were like and I owed it to him to broaden his horizons as far as I could.

The volcano was close enough to smell after two hours, and near the third it was impossible to get a whiff of much outside of heat, sulfur, and Dragon smell. At least Dragons smelled somewhere between ginger and cinnamon, but fuck. The amount of sulfur in the air made me anosmic by the time we actually started to climb the damn thing and that sucked. On the brighter side, we were largely left alone other than for a few Dragons that circled overhead a few times before landing on the summit.

Luck seemed to be on our side since getting to the top of the volcano didn’t kill me instantly. That was nice and I was enjoying it even more as Spike and I were largely left alone. However, I could hear the clatter of hooves from a decent clip down the path and hoped that it wasn’t who I thought it was. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in Equestria, so I figured we had to work fast before the whole plan blew up in our faces and got more than just me scorched. Spike kind of froze when he saw just how many of his kin were lounging around the summit, but I got him moving with a pat to the back and a nod.

As little attention as we’d garnered with our arrival, the clear choice we’d made to stay got us more than a few eyes. Sizing up the competition wasn’t hard, especially since I knew that all of the bipedal Dragons over seven feet tall were at least three times my senior. Three times older and three times more likely to know how to use the weapons they were born with. The fact that most of the Dragons either bordered on wiry and graceful or spec'd all the way into burly and intimidating was a little odd. There seemed to be no preference between the sexes, seeing as how there were plenty of Dragonesses that looked like they could squish me with their bare hands.

I took my time in scanning the crowd, but even as I made eye contact with plenty of others, I knew that it was a sign of disrespect to the quadrupedal Dragons who were too big to stand upright. How I knew that was more guesswork than hard fact, but I also didn't want to challenge them in any sense of the word. The amount of Dragons with scales like Spike, as in more pastel than glossy or metallic, were few and far between. However, it was a ruddy pink Dragon guy who strode up to us and he was on the wiry side. When it was clear he was coming our way, a Dragoness that looked like rubies in motion parted from the crowd and came nearer. I could practically feel Spike realizing that we were being approached, laying a shoulder on his hand to calm him.

Despite the male making the first move, the fact that the Dragoness was nearly three metres tall helped her get along just fine. “Hail, young one. Is this an ally of yours?”

Spike didn’t seem to realize she was talking to him, so I gave him a couple taps. “I- Oh! Y-Yeah, this is Max! He’s like my big brother!”

The unnamed lady raised a glistening brow. “So you claim him in your brood?”

“... I guess?” The smallest Dragon present answered unsurely.

“You sound uncertain, young one. What is your name?”

“Sp- Spike,” I nudged him when he paused, “I-I mean, Spykoranuvellitar.”

“I see why you said Spike first. Tell me, Spike, do you feel intimidated?”

“... A little.”

“Then you are unused to your own kind.” Spike clicked his claws together and the Dragoness looked at me, her gaze unyielding. Her sheer intensity made it clear that she was in charge, but my bullshit policy was ready to be enacted. “Creature, are you this young one’s guardian?”

“I am for the moment. I watch over Spike as much as I can.”

“And you would be so arrogant as to join a Dragon on Dragon territory?”

“I’m an arrogant piece of shite, yeah. I can give you all of my negative traits if you don’t care to experience them yourself. Might save us some time.”

“Your mouth moves and yet all I hear is ‘Death’.”

“Then you might want to clean your ears because the word is ‘Deaf’.”

“... I will kill you. You know this.”

“Shit, bitch, try it if you can. We can go ‘round and ‘round until I stop taking it easy on you.”

Her lizardly lips curved into an amused smile. “There is fire in your belly, regardless of whether it is bravado or true confidence. Your fire will not match a Dragon’s.”

“Who needs fire when you’re this hot while clothed?” I spread my hands. “When you can ignite passion with a single glance and set fire to a gal’s loins with a kiss-”

The pink Dragon cracked up and the Dragoness shook her head. “You’re a fool, to be sure.”

“I know, but it gets me along in life.”

She nodded and looked to Spike. “Young one, were you born in these lands?”

“W-Well, yeah-” He stammered.

“Then you are the hatchling from the treaty. As much as I detest the accords, I am pleased that you have sought to join your people.”

Spike nodded. “Well, I do have a lot of questions…”

“As you well should.” She gave her attention back to me. “You are welcome to join us until the Migration continues. We will give you time to say farewell.”

Feels like a good time to chime in. “Mm, that’s more up to whether Spike wants to stay with you or not.”

The Dragoness seemed unconcerned. “I would say it is up to Dragons where a Dragon belongs.”

“I would say it’s up to the individual to find their place in life.”

“A free form of thought, but ultimately inconsequential. Your word holds little weight here.”

Excuse you? “I’ll have you know that my word tends to be obese, as in loaded with a few extra things you might not realize. I’ll take you, lady. We can have a go.”

“And I can set you on fire from here.”

“And I can decapitate you from here. Whatchu wanna do?” I shrugged. “Can’t breathe too much fire without a head, but as it stands, I don’t gain much from icing your fiery arse.”

“Your pride is admirable, though I believe you should take heed when I say you will not walk away from a fight with me.”

“Seeing as how you respect my pride at least a little, then maybe you’d be willing to put yours up in a little wager?”

“... A wager, you say?” She smiled, stroking her chin. “You have my interest, I’ll admit.”

“Then how about a contest? A little scrap between a being with no natural weapons or particular strength and a Dragon that breathes fire and crushes skulls with their bare hands?”

“I am also likely faster and more experienced than you.” The lady seemed to be nibbling the bait.

“Then it should be no question that you could defeat me without me casting a single spell, yeah? But even then, I know I can take you with no incantations.”

“... And your confidence gives way to arrogance so quickly. What weapon would you have to combat a mature Dragoness if you held her ire?”

I shot her a wink. “Wanna find out?”

“Your terms for victory?”

“First blood or last standing. Whichever comes first.”

She examined me, analyzing my apparel and build. “... You have no magical artifacts on your being. I could very well kill you without meaning to.”

“Don’t get cocky, now.”

The Dragoness snorted. “There is no arrogance among Dragons until we are proven wrong. When I claim victory, you shall surrender the contents of your horde to me.”

“Uh…” I thought about it. “Yeah, I’m rich, I technically have a horde. When I kick your arse, Spike gets to choose whether he stays or goes.”

“What is an arse?”

“Your scaly nether regions below your tail.”

She stared at me for a moment and puffed out a plume of smoke. “We will see whether your bluster truly does hold weight or if it is simply that.”

I patted Spikes shoulder and pointed away, meeting his frightened gaze easily. “I’ve got this. Try not to worry too much, yeah?”

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, but he was still clearly afraid. “Max… She’s huge…”

“And I’m awesome. What else is obvious?”

Spike shook his head and held my bicep for a moment. “... Don’t lose…”

“It was never an option.”

He took my word for what it was, the lard-arsed piece of verbiage that it was. My attention went back to the Dragon lady and I took a few steps back. We had plenty of room to work with, but I needed to be relatively close to fuck her up anyway. There would be no officiator, and the only hesitation before the action was in making sure that we were both prepared. Once I answered, the fight was on with the Dragoness taking her time, circling closer without getting her fire-breath going. I’d like to say that I outsmarted her or something or did something brave in general, but I smacked her with my psychic tentacle and that was about it. Maybe the pan-shape I’d gone for was a little too comical for the situation, but she was still holding her chest after ten seconds, on her knees until she started coughing and sputtering.

I went over to check on her because I’m nice sometimes. “I win, right?”

“What was that!?” She gasped.

“Cheeky bullshit that I expressly left out of the terms of the dual. I didn’t use an incantation or cast a spell; I just thought about it really hard.”

The Dragoness looked at me while her breath came back before borrowing my shoulder to get back to her feet. “I… Yes, I admit defeat. I assume you could have killed me with the same process, so it would be through bitterness alone that I would continue the fight. You, creature, are wily.”

“My name’s Max, and I have to be smarter than you. How the fuck else am I gonna combat an armoured, fire-breathing, claw-wielding species with weak skin, no real strength, and no natural-born magic?”

“... Then your victory is all the more commendable.” She patted my shoulder and blew a little gout of flame into the air. “You and Spike are welcome to come and go. However, I suggest you mind your manners.”

“I might. Can I have your horde, or-”

“Be quiet. I can still set you alight.”

“Yeah, I get it. It was a pleasure, though.”

“You only say that because you cheated.”

“I didn’t break any rules.”

She shook her head and walked off. When I went to go find Spike, it wasn’t hard to see him running up to me to gush over the quick and easy fight. It was a bit of a task to get him back on track, but once I did, there was no shortage of Dragons willing to talk with us and give us some history. A few came to me while I was accompanying Spike to tell me that I was an asshole, but I accepted it since the Dragons seemed to be pretty rough and tumble outside of the elderly ones. The younger Dragons Spike and I came across were more or less picking a fight with every other sentence out of their mouths, but I didn’t have much of a chance to put them in their place before Spike volunteered to try one of their games. I didn’t think it would go well for him, but I knew I wasn’t welcome in the group and that I was better off doing some extra digging for the info I knew Spike wasn’t going to get.

I made it through quite a few questions while talking to some dude who was either yellow or bronze. Having learned a fair bit about the Dragon Code of Honour and some of their history with Equestria, I was pretty eager to share it with Spike and see what he’d learned for himself. However, the relatively small pool of lava I’d last seen him at was looking like a brawl and I was none too fond of that. Getting over there was tricky, but luckily Spike wasn’t actually all that close to the pool. That being said, he was being bullied and that was not on my list of shit to put up with.

He was currently in a headlock, provided by some red fucker. “H-Hey Max! What’s up, mate?”

I looked at the arsewipe holding on to him. “Mind giving him a break for a sec? I need to get some words out.”

The red fucker smirked. “What’s it to you, skinbag?”

“Look here, faggot, I’ll rip your fucking skull off of your shoulders and use your teeth as paring knives for potatoes. Let him go.” I wasn’t asking any more.

The red fucker let him go and got up in my face. “Fuck did you just say to me, meat sack?”

“Child, I will consume you.”

He held up his hands. “Nevermind.”

Spike sidled up to me as he backed off. “So… What was that?”

“If I wanted to see you get picked on, I’d do it myself, Spike.”

“... I think Dragons just play rough, Max.”

“Then you might want to start getting rough back. Either way, it doesn’t seem like they have all that much to say.”

“Nah, not really… I do want to ask some questions, but I just don’t really know who to go to.”

I could hear steps coming toward us, seeing a big green fuck coming from over my shoulder. “Well, we’re not asking that guy.”

Spike looked at him and the green Dragon stopped in front of me. “Is there an issue, creature?”

“None so far. Do you have one?”

“Your presence here annoys me.”

“Deal with it. I’m not here for you.” I got Spike’s attention and jerked my thumb behind me.

“Tread carefully, creature.” The big fuck snorted.

I just nodded and the green fucker snorted flames, but I was sure that he didn’t want to get his arse laid out by someone smaller than him. Or maybe he didn’t want to roast me anyway. In either case, he left us alone and I started steering Spike toward a purple Dragoness who seemed friendly enough when I talked to her. There were still a couple pairs of eyes on us, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.

On the way, Spike asked, “I have a funny feeling that these guys are gonna start liking you less soon.”

“If only I gave a shite about being popular.”

“Well, I kinda do and you’re here with me, so…”

I chuckled. “Fair enough, but I’m not going to let people pick on you. I came over because they were playing catch with you.”

“I’m small enough for it to work.”

“Last time I checked, my brother was a Dragon, not a ball.”

“Maybe being a ball isn’t as bad as you think?”

“And you dodged the point like it was logic aimed at Pinkie.”

“That’s- Probably true, but still. Kinda mean, Max.”

“I exist in a state of perpetual dickery, whether I’m being one or dicking off.”

“I feel like this is one of those times where someone would tell you to shut up.”

“Maybe I should, probably won’t though.”

“That’s my Max alright.” He sighed, seeming a little nervous again.

“Damn straight.”

I saw someone wave at us from my left, so I tapped Spike and we went over to the guy. “Hey.”

I waved. “Oi. What’s up?”

“What are you doing?”

“Gonna go talk to a big Dragoness that was pretty cool earlier. What are you doing?”

“Asking questions. Don’t cause trouble up here.”

“Silly Dragon, trouble tends to roll down hill.”

“We’re basically on a really big hill.”

“Damn, we are, aren’t we?” I nodded along. “Looks like I’m gonna have to chuck a rock off the side and see if it hits someone.”

“I’ll hit you first.”

“If I let you.”

He snorted and looked at Spike. “Your friend is a good one.” Spike kind of just bobbed his head up and down. “Alright. Get lost.”

“Hard to get lost when you know where you are,” I scoffed, tapping Spike’s shoulder and continuing on toward the nice lady with the shiny scales. However, we didn’t make it far before someone else came up to us and pointed toward a big, shitfully-made costume that I didn’t like looking at. For one, I could occasionally see a hoof under it. Two, it was my problem and that much was obvious. The blue guy who pointed them out to me saw the grimace on my face, but no one stopped me from approaching them.

As I went over, some bloke stopped me and asked, “Friends of yours?”

“If I say yes, will you think less of me?” I sighed.

“Yes.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “They’re mostly harmless, mate. Once I find someone willing to talk to Spike here for a moment, I’ll tell them to fuck off.”

The other-other blue guy shrugged. “Let me grab my wife and I’ll do it. You seem like you’re not a jackass, so I might as well lend you a claw.”

“Fucking perfect.” I turned to Spike. “I’m going to go talk to the ‘new guy’. You know how to get a hold of me if you need to.”

Spike looked at me funny. “New guy? Why would you do that? They’re not bothering anypony.”

The blue guy looked offended. “Did you just say ‘anypony’? What the shit is wrong with you, kid?”

Spike looked somewhere between scared and confused. “I-I thought that’s what everpo- everyone said!”

I sighed and patted the purple shorty’s shoulder. “Listen when this guy talks. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot.”

Spike gave me another odd look, but he did what I asked and stuck next to the cool blue Dragon and they started walking toward a golden Dragoness who seemed pretty uninterested in anything other than getting a nap in. However, if she was as cool as her husband was, then I’d made the right decision in leaving Spike in their care. I hoped that he would be able to have his questions answered as he needed them to be, but that really depended on if he knew the right questions to ask. As much as I wanted to stick near him and learn a bit more about Dragons for myself, I had to go do some damage control.

I walked up to the girls in their ridiculous outfit and whacked its snout. “Bad. This is a bad.”

Twilight’s head appeared in the costume’s mouth. “Max! Why aren’t you in a disguise!?” She whispered harshly.

“Because no one here is dumb enough to fuck with me twice. Why the fuck are you here, Twi?”

Twilight gave me an odd look and I heard Rarity huff further into the costume. “Dragons really don’t like Ponies, Max. What if one of them comes after you!?”

“It’s not that hard to handle a Dragon when you have bullshit, cheatsy E-Z Magic. Honestly, if you weren’t so nice, I wouldn’t be opposed to letting you stay, but seeing as how you are so nice, I need you to fuck off.”

“What about Spike!?”

“... I told you I’d watch over him, didn’t I?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“I didn’t really say much other than that, Twilight.”

Her brows knit together and the dirt in her look was probably warranted. “I trust you, but I don’t feel like this was all that spontaneous, Max… How long were you two planning this behind my back?”

“Depends on what you consider ‘planning’ because I more or less talked Spike into it shortly after you left.”

“... Why!?” She hissed.

“Because a person should know their history.”

“Spike’s history is Equestrian!”

“His scales say different.”

Twilight narrowed her already fierce gaze at me. “... That’s not your call to make, Max.”

I shrugged. “Maybe not, but you know that I care for Spike, Cherry. He’ll come home safe.”

“And what about you?”

“I’m awesome. What else do I need to say about that?”

“Okay, but how are you going to protect yourself and Spike if I just walk away?”

“... I mean, Twilight, I’m an Operative.”

“This is a volcano loaded with Dragons.”

“Yeah, but I’m cooler than that and my sheer coolness outweighs any amount of lethality.”

“... Max, I love you-”

“I’m sorry, did that buckbone really just say that?” Applejack whispered from further in.

“Yes, but shoosh!” Rarity huffed.

Twilight took a breath and tried again. “Max, seriously.”

“I have an invisible, malleable appendage that can chop down a dead tree. I’m one of the deadliest things here, Twilight. No one’s going to pick another fight.”

“Another.”

“I already laid someone out pretty well. Don’t think I even had to really break anything other than that Dragon pride.”

“That. That is cool,” Rainbow gushed quietly.

Two Dragons were approaching when the entire costume shook with a “Shoosh!”, echoed by all inside.

I glanced at the lady Dragons as they approached before making sure I had Twilight’s attention. “Oi. I need you to go.”

“But Max-”

“I need you. To go.”

“Hail!” The nearly black Dragoness raised her hand. “Name yourselves!”

I raised my hand. “Maximus Gadai, son of some people I never really respected or liked.” The Danger-Noodles with legs and fire-breath both screwed up their faces, so I continued with Plan A: Confuse and Amuse. “This is Fair-Well, the Leaving Lump of Not Here Anymore. Fair-Well? “I looked at Twilight, smiling with my teeth clenched. “Goodbye, Fair-Well. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Twilight peeped through the teeth of the costume and luckily remembered to move the mouth when she talked. “Goodbye?”

I shooed her off and strode over to the Dragonesses with a smile. “And just like that, a visitor leaves and no one’s dead. I like it when no one dies, don’t you?”

The dingy, yellowish gal nodded slowly. “... Okay.”

“How’s it going?”

The black one tilted her head. “... It goes well?”

“Well, isn’t that lovely? It’s a little hot up here for me, but then again when you’re as hot as I am, any competition is a little daunting.”

“... What?” Yellow asked.

“What country are you from?”

“Draconia. From where do you come? I’ve yet to see your kind.”

Man fuck, that usually works on- Ponies. Usually works on Ponies. “I’m from England, a country far removed from Equus that I’m still not entirely sure regarding my leaving of said country. I more or less just wound up here and I’m the only Human I know of between here and Gryphonia.”

“Would you claim to be Equestrian?”

I gave her a dull look. “Trust me, not entirely by my own choice. I was more or less blackmailed into it.”

Yellow squinted at me. “How?”

“Celestia fucked me over and forced me to accept some bribes, so if I say anything against her, my name and hands are still dirty and she can ruin me a lot faster than I can scratch her public reputation.” They both stared at me. “I’m also a Baron, so yeah. I’m obligated to stay in the country unless I announce a leave as a vacation. Even then I can be teleported to or from anywhere in the world since Alicorns.” I hit them with the old head shake and hard exhale. “Life sucks, but Spike’s cool.”

The Yellow one seemed to be doing most of the talking and carried on with, “So you hold little fondness for Equestria?”

“Eh, the food’s great, air smells great, water quality’s stellar, and I fell in love with the one Pony who actually has an ounce of intelligence, except it’s more like a couple solid kilos.”

“... Was it the one in that awful costume?”

“... Don’t judge me.”

“I’m judging you.”

Black chimed in with, “As am I, and heavily so.”

“I’ll punch your cloacas,” I deadpanned.

Yellow snorted and asked, “Would you assume that we have multiple ourselves or that you could make the attempt more than once?”

“Actually, yeah. Kinda.”

“... What?”

“What country are you from?”

“... What?” Black asked. “We-”

“What? What ain’t no country I ever heard of, do they speak Common in What?”

They looked at each other and ignored me for a bit. “I know he was able to bring Ruthenia to her knees…”

Licorice Lizard nodded. “They say the stupid are often strong.”

“Oi!”

“And indeed he does appear to be stupid.” Pisspot scratched her jaw.

“I resemble that statement!”

They glanced at me and the black one spread her hands. “He agrees.”

“He does look stupid as well, yes.”

I folded my arms. “Well, that’s just not nice.”

Yellow gestured toward me. “What else would you have us assume?”

“That I’m incredibly amazing and absolutely pale as fuck.”

“You’re rather pink and your stupidity is amazing, yes.”

“Well, you’re yellow and your scales aren’t good for cuddling.”

“... And you don’t think you’re stupid?”

“I never objected to that. My point was that I don’t look stupid.”

“You’re not wrong, but you are also very, very not smart.”

“Well, I think you’re incredibly scaly and dangerous.”

“This is true.” She nodded.

“Of course it’s true, I said what I thought because I was thinking it. Duh.”

“... What?”

“What country are you from?”

“Why do you keep asking that?” Black inquired.

“To trick you into being as stupid as you look.”

She opened her mouth to reply and paused. “Wait-”

“Yes, he insulted you.” Yellow snorted.

“In fairness, you’re yellow,” I pointed out.

Black looked at her. “You are yellow, yes.”

“I am topaz!”

“Which is yellow,” I added.

“He is correct, yes.”

Yellow jabbed a claw into Black’s chest and I took the moment to fuck off and find Spike. They argued as I walked away and eventually located my target chilling and looking pretty comfortable while listening to blue guy and his big golden wife. Passing by the mouth of the volcano was optional as well as the fastest route. I did not stay close to the mouth of the volcano for long because it was fucking hot and I was already sweating through my deodorant, which wasn’t the plan. In any case, I waved at Spike and he saw the gesture, thus getting me some looks from the old Dragons that were hopefully giving him info. I knew as soon as I got over there that they were waiting for me to leave so they could continue, so I didn’t bother with holding things up longer than I had to.

I wandered around a bit and found a bored looking Dragoness of the edge of the volcano, looking out at the scenery around the summit. I took up a spot next to her and looked around, planning on talking to her, but I got caught up in the view. It was actually pretty magnificent since you could see a massive mountain shaped like the back of a canine in the distance. It was a little eerie since it was like staring at the form of a giant fucking wolf made of stone or something while it was laying down, but standing where I was got a conversation started, so my mission was complete.

“So, Creature. Looks like you’ve been shaking things up since you got here.” I heard from my left.

I glanced at the periwinkle Dragoness. “Life’s only boring around me when I’m dead, though that happens more often than you might think.”

“Oh? I sense a story.” She smirked at me. That’s right, nibble the hook you naughty sky-fish.

“What’s it worth to you? I’ve got some pretty interesting stories, and that’s one of my better ones.” I returned her smirk.

“Tell you what, kid; You explain how you’re not dead after dying and I’ll see if it’s worthy of one of my own stories.” She sidled a bit closer and sat down on the edge of the mountain.

I sat a respectable distance away from her. “Sounds alright to me. Might as well pass the time with a couple tales. So the first time I died, I ended up fighting a Pony who was a lot tougher than me. Keep in mind that when I came to Equestria, my bones were literally softer than your average Bird-Pony’s. When I ended up fighting an Earth Pony, she killed me in maybe four hits and I had to be brought back with magic.”

The Dragoness scoffed. “Everyone knows that the only magic that can bring someone back to life is either Alicorn level juice or Dark Magic, and I doubt the Princesses are that interested in keeping you alive.”

I flashed her my Seals, stained into the Warbling Blade as they were. “Any doubts?”

She lifted a brow. “I seriously doubt that they’d risk ruining the fabric of life and death for just any Operative.”

“That’s because I became an Operative after I befriended Celestia, but that’s another story. If I’m not mistaken, you owe me one now.” I gave her a crooked smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I may not believe you, but I’m interested in what you have to say. What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Have you ever hunted something called a Lursite?” I asked.

She gave me a funny look. “Those things have been extinct since before my grandparents were old, and Dragons are nearly immortal.”

That fact took a little bit to process. “Wait, so how long does your average Dragon live?”

“Depends on how they live. If they abide by the Honor Code, they’ll keep going until they’re old and barely sane which usually happens after about four thousand years. Most dragons only make it to the two thousand mark since no one really cares to see too many dynasties rise and fall. We usually get tired of being around by eighteen-hundred or so years, but you never know how long some people might decide to stick it out.”

I pursed my lips. “That’s actually pretty cool. Sounds like I need to start making friends with more Dragons so I have someone to talk to over the years besides Celestia and Luna.”

“How long does your race live?” She asked.

“Normally? About sixty to a hundred years, but it really just depends on the person. The average lifespan is around seventy or eighty, but I’m not really all that human anymore if my guess is right,” I explained.

She gave me an odd look. “So I’m assuming that you’re going to live longer than most of your race.”

I nodded. “About two thousand years, give or take.”

“Alright, I want to hear that story too.” She gave me a playful smile.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“I’d be tempted, but I like my claws on my arms, thank you very much. Just because you’re some horny little species doesn’t mean that any Dragon is willing to lose a limb over a night of decent sex.”

“You say decent, I say the best you’ll ever get. I think a four or so thousand year old Princess should know her dick pretty well.”

The Dragoness looked at me funny. “Which Princess has male genitals?

“Probably could have worded that better. I meant that I’ve done the sex to Celestia and she liked it plenty.”

“You’re going to have to back up these claims sooner or later.” She warned.

“I live in a small town called Ponyville. If you’re ever up for a visit with a new human friend, just ask for Max or the Baron and they’ll direct you to my house. Honestly, it’s pretty hard to miss if you know what you’re looking for, and it’s creepy as fuck, but everyone in town knows where I live.”

“Wait, are you a Baron or something?” She asked.

“Yup. Celestia screwed me, so she made me a Baron.”

“...You’re actually alright for a noble. You brag a lot, but it’s not like you’re boasting for a crowd or anything.”

I chuckled. “Oi, you asked for a story and I’ve given you a lot of topics to choose from. It’s not bragging, it’s being informative.”

She snorted and a bright blue flame shot out of her nose. “Whatever you say. Your name is Max, right?”

“Yes it is. Mind if I ask what yours is?”

“Chumana. Most people call me ‘Chu’ or ‘Mana’.”

“Imma call you Chu-Chu.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Like a train?”

“Choo-Choo!” I grinned at her and she blew a little flame at me. Shit was hot, so I scooted away from her. “Oi! Fire bad! I’m not flame proof, you twat!”

She blinked at me. “Sorry, I forgot you skin bags don’t like the heat. I’ll keep the fire to myself.”

“Thanks, Chu Chu, I appreciate it.” I gave her a shit eating grin and she cuffed my shoulder when I got within arm’s reach.

“Keep calling me that and I’ll toss you in the volcano.”

“I’m too cute for that. Just think of how dead I’ll be if you do.”

She snorted. “I’m sure your Princess will come and save you.”

“I don’t need her to, but I’m really not trying to get tossed in a volcano anyway. Why don’t we move on to that story you were going to tell me?”

She did, in fact, tell me a story or two and we went back andin forth for a couple of hours. It was actually pretty nice to hear about the Dragon Code of Honour, which was a lot more sensical than any Equestria book had ever made it seem. For one, the Dragons weren’t hateful, they just don’t have much respect for Ponies and their notable promiscuity. Dragons mate for life and don’t appreciate a polygamous lifestyle, which I understand and agree with to a point. It was also interesting to note that Chumana had personally roasted some Dogs alive for stealing eggs to raise Dragons as slaves. That led to me learning that the reason so many of the females in the Migration had such archaic speech patterns. Interestingly enough, all of the Enforcers present were female because of tradition, but Chu Chu made it clear that the majority in the Dragon Lands were male since the Dragonesses evidently had better things to do than… Enforcer stuff, I guess. I didn’t give a shit since it wasn’t my problem, and it’s not like she treated the subject like one.

To repay my verbal debt and continue the conversation, I told the Periwinkle Policewoman about the period when I dated Celestia. I gave her a few details about what that had been like, and by the time I was done telling her about it, she actually believed me. I asked if she’d ever been to Bridleland and she told me that she had, but that she’d been kicked out for fighting too much since she’d stayed drunk the entire time. It didn’t sound like much of a Dragon thing to do, but she also mentioned that she wasn’t drinking alcohol and left that one where it lay. She still wasn’t really allowed to go back, but she actually did stop by Scotchland from time to time for liquor. It was a good time up until Blue Guy and Trophy Wife strolled up with Spike.

Little Bruv looked more anxious than I’d ever seen him and more than a bit scared. “Max, help!”

Blue Guy snorted. “We will help you. Max, we are taking Spike.”

“Shit, if you wanna die, you can try. I already fought for his freedom to make that choice. Looks like he’s saying no.”

Goldi-scales harrumphed, her voice deeper than her husbands. “Hatchlings have little idea what is good for them. It is not a choice to be left to a child.”

I got up and Chumana watched on calmly. “Then as this child’s guardian, I think I’ll make it.” I heard Blue Guy’s gut start grumbling and wrapped the Tentacruel around his throat. His mouth opened and a small flume of fire escaped before he was slammed into the ground. “I think that’s a bad idea, bruv.” His wife started making a similar sound, but she was bigger than him. “Oi. I will murder you.”

She chilled out with that shite and her husband got up. “Magic is cheating.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, just let me prepare my fire breath, flesh armour, and finger-knives. That would be a little more fair, yeah?”

Goldilocks eyed him. “His point is sound, Nidhug.”

Nidhug (apparently) popped his neck. “... The only way a Dragon will truly know the way of Dragons is by living among them. Among us. What could you truly hope to teach a Dragon?”

I shrugged. “What he needs for the life he lives. Like I said, it’s not your choice.”

Chumana stepped in for my argument with, “The Young One should be afforded the choice in the life he lives. What would you have to offer him that would be worthy of ripping him from the home he’s known for all his days?”

“Her point is-”

“Apolla, shut up for once.” Nidhug gave his wife a shitty look.

She… Well, clawed has a bad context, but she fiddled with one of his horns using a claw. I would almost call it diddling. “My silence is never guaranteed, my love.”

The bluest guy wasn’t too stubborn to deny the facts as they were. He looked to Spike and sighed. “Then what is your choice-”

“Staying. Definitely staying,” Spike belted.

“Then there is nothing left to say.” Nidhug shook his head.

I’d seen him come to stand nearby, but the scaled version of the Swamp Thing from earlier came back and stood around, looking like he wanted me to start something. “Suppose there isn’t.”

“There is plenty left to say. Nidhug intends to leave with the Young One and so he shall.” Green Fuck grunted.

“Again, that’s Spike’s choice.”

“Then as his friend, you should have little issue defending his choice.”

I pursed my lips, not liking where the situation was head.. “Looks like I’m gonna have to.”

He pointed toward an open spot. “None of your magic nonsense.”

“Then no flame should leave that big mouth of yours.”

“It is a natural part of a Dragon.”

“And it’s one of the many natural weapons you have. I have none.”

“I did not birth you. Bemoan your fate elsewhere.”

I folded my right arm under my left and examined the guy, taking my time to really concentrate. “... Mm, you know what?”

“You are soon to die. It is all I need to know.”

I snorted and started walking. “I’m gonna use magic, bruv. This isn’t gonna go well for you.”

He followed me easily. “Then you are a coward.”

“Yes, because the so-called ‘man’ with scales harder than stone, claws as sharp as blades, teeth made to rend flesh from bone, and literal flame breath is ever so brave for attempting to limit an opponent with no natural weapons. Your courage is so admirable. Maybe if your baby cock wasn’t shriveled up inside you, you’d see that you’re a piece of shit saying that piss smells.”

He snorted and walked along, our short trip garnering attention. “You claim weakness, but if you are truly so weak, then why stand against the strong?”

“Because I kill people, you dipshit.” I stood still and did a little thinking. “You ready, or is there more banter to go through?”

His stomach started rumbling and he started forward. The flying mackerel also ate a smack to the snout that saw a tooth or two fly out of his mouth. He fell, I was still standing, so I assumed that was good enough. Instead of gloating, I walked back over to Spike as he came to meet me halfway. “Max-”

“Yeah, no, we’re leaving. Now.”

“But- I mean- Yeah, but-”

“Spike, I doubt he’s the only one who’s gonna try some bullshit. Let’s go.”

“Max-” Spike glanced behind me, but I just grabbed him and pointed. “Wait, Max-”

A hand gripped my shoulder and I prepared to just kill The Incredible Cunt, but then I jolted a bit and my back hurt. My chest hurt too, but I was looking over my shoulder and didn’t really get how I’d been hit from the front and the back at the same time. “Fuckin’-” My vision started to fade. “... Oi.”

I turned back to Spike and saw my heart pump some of my precious life juice somewhere other than my arteries and that was cool and all, but I also had to realize there was an arm inside of me. My last clear thought was mostly about being pissed off at being forcibly penetrated from behind. My next clear thought came around as I was laying at the bottom of the volcano, looking up at the setting sun. I felt considerably more neutral than I should have considering I was fully aware of the fact that I’d just been killed. Again. The eerie calm that had a hold of me was a little disconcerting, but it didn’t hurt with the compulsion that throbbed in my entire being. I was being pulled back to the top of the volcano, but I don’t really remember how I got to the summit again.

One moment I was lying on sharp rocks, then the next I was gently pushing my way through a crowd of Dragons until they started parting for me. None of the faces really registered in my mind until I came across the familiar, ugly mug that had previously stuck his arm in my most no-no of zones. My chest cavity was meant to stay closed, I think. When I walked up to the guy who killed me, he stared and I had the vague impression that my magic was locking him in place. What magic? Most likely the Dark variety. It would explain why I felt nothing when I thrust my hands through his shirt, into his muscles, and tore a good portion of his chest away from the bone.

I blacked out again for an amount of time I could never be sure of, but when I got my vision back, the deathly calm was gone and I was straddling the mangled corpse of a Dragon. The scales were green, but the amount of blood surrounding me… I didn’t feel like I’d been hurt and my head was fuzzy, so it was hard to recognize the fact that I was on top of someone that had been torn apart from the pectorals up. It finally started to clarify when I realized that there was no tongue, jaw, or much of a throat left on the remains of his head. His broken breast plate covered little, and it was obvious from the amount of blood pooling inside of his cadaver that his heart had been ripped out.

An eye for an eye, I suppose.

With no reason to stay where I was, I got up to be ill and dry heaved twice, taking a moment to examine my current state when I could see clearly again. I was covered in blood, my clothes were fucked, and I killed someone again, so I had all of that on my mind. A light tap on my back had me practically jumping out of my skin. It was Spike, and afraid wasn’t the word for it. Terror was in his eyes. I turned to face him and tried to say something before acknowledging that nothing I had was worthy of being said. Sighing, I shook my head.

“... Max?”

“We gotta go, Spike.”

“... Please?”

No one bothered us on our way off the volcano. We didn’t say much on the way down, but the flat land opened up and so did I. “I’m sorry, Spike.”

“... I don’t think you really have anything to apologize for.”

“We could’ve stayed home like you wanted-”

“And I wouldn’t know anything about Dragons. I wouldn’t have had the choice to stay or go.”

“... Spike, I can hear it in your voice.” And smell it on you.

“Hear what?”

“You’re afraid of me, mate.”

“... W-Well… You… You were dead. And now you're alive, Max...”

“I don’t die easily. I’ve told you that.”

“... What are you?”

I was a little hurt by that, but I honestly had bigger things on my plate. “If I’m right, I’m a Revenant. If I’m wrong, I’m a lucky Human.”

Spike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “... You tore that guy apart.”

“It’s a rather rude thing to do, attacking someone while their back is turned. I would say it’s even more rude to kill someone who spared your life. He had it coming.”

Spike shook and shivered, but I figured that hugging him would be a terrible idea, so I started talking to fill the silence. He listened to the sound of my voice and my tone calmed him down, though I don't really think the guy was paying any real attention to what I was saying. In fairness, he just saw two gruesome deaths in one day, so I couldn’t really blame him for being shell-shocked. I kept up the conversation until we got to the forest where I did some more dry-heaving. Dying again honestly could have hurt worse or generally been more traumatic, I guess, but I also wondered if I was in shock myself or if I was just that damn cold-hearted. I also wondered why I hadn’t at least seen an afterlife of any kind, but it wasn’t something I dwelled on, chalking it up to God not loving me. Spike checked up on me to see if I was alright, but I told him that we were probably going to need to have a long talk if either of us were going to be okay after the day’s events. Instead of being stuck on the shite that was troubling us, we talked about some of the stuff he’d learned to get our minds off of the day until we met up with the girls.

Twilight immediately knew something was wrong with both of us, but the girls were mostly worried about the bloody fucking hole in my shirt and the fact that I was coated in red. I’d tried to cover it with my jacket after reclaiming it from the place I’d left it before fighting the dirty green guy, but it was still rather obvious and I hadn't been able to get much of the green fellow's blood off. I told them that things had gotten a bit difficult after they left, but that I had survived without a scratch. Spike kept his mouth shut regarding the fight and my revenge, preferring to let me come up with a half-truth that he stuck to vehemently once it was said. Applejack couldn’t call me out since I was honest about fighting, but I didn’t tell anyone that I’d died and Spike said nothing about the fact that I’d eviscerated the guy who’d killed me.

Spike and I were rather quiet on the way back home, allowing the girls to do the brunt of the talking. Twilight tried to take me aside and ask why we were acting strangely, but I told her that I would tell her the whole story the next day. She bargained for later that night and I let her have it since I had no reason to deny her request, though Spike asked that he be able to come over too. Pinkie suggested that we make a party out of it after rudely interrupting the conversation, but when I knocked her out, she shut up. I carried her home on my back since I’d put her out in the first place, but for once Twilight didn’t bitch at me for doing something unnecessary.

After waking Pinkie up so she could take herself home, I’d earned a little ire from Rainbow and Applejack for being so quick to put her to sleep. When they started bitching at me and I didn’t respond in any way, Rainbow realized that I was staring her down and shut up. Applejack tried a little harder, but she’s wise enough to save her breath on a brick wall. They fucked off and Rarity wasn’t far behind. Fluttershy tried to ask since I usually would’ve shot back at them with something or other, especially when being yelled at. I explained that it was nothing she cared to hear about and it was left to lay where it was.

Twilight and Spike followed me home since it was already dark as shit out. They both kept clothes at my house by this point in my relationship with Twilight, so they didn’t need to stop by the Treebrary and grab anything. When we got to my place, I had them follow me downstairs into my cellar where I picked out my former favorite bourbon and invited Twilight to grab whatever she wanted. She picked out some wine I didn’t pay attention to and Spike asked if he could have a drink. Twilight told him no in the same second I told him yes, but I defaulted to Twilight since she was his primary caretaker, though she conceded once Spike mentioned that he’d seen two people die in the same day. After that, I grabbed a quick shower and met them downstairs so we could air things out.

Once we were settled and I had a couple shots poured for myself and Spike, I downed mine before my hands could start shaking, but the tremors were gone anyways. Spike sniffed his glass and sighed before just pouring it back into the bottle, favoring some white grape juice from my ice box. I figured that I was just numbed out from the fact that I’d died, and Twilight cut me off when I went for my third glass. I couldn’t help but see her wisdom in the matter, so I closed the bottle and started talking.

“So I died today,” I said flatly.

Twilight put her glass down. “... You got killed and had to go back and kill that pony, didn’t you?”

“Wasn’t much of a choice. I wasn’t in control, though that’s the gist of it.”

“That’s not the important part,” Spike intoned softly.

Twilight put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. “What is the important part?”

“The guy who killed me ripped my heart out in front of Spike. When I came back… Messy isn’t the word,”

Spike shook his head. “Max was trying to get me to leave with him… And I got him killed because I wanted to stay a little longer.”

“It’s not your fault, Spike. I shouldn’t have turned my back to an enemy,” I assured him.

“If I’d just gone with you, there wouldn’t have been a distraction, and you wouldn’t have died. That guy might not have died.” The numbness in his voice hurt to hear, but I didn’t think there was much that would help him through at the moment other than rationalizations and support.

I shook my head. “He challenged me to a fight and made it clear that he wanted to kill me. One of us was going to die either way.”

Twilight tugged on my hand with magic and pulled me over to join her and Spike on the couch. She grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “I know it’s an understatement, but you two have had a rough day. Maybe some rest might help get your mind off of it?”

I kissed Twilight’s cheek. “I’m here with you. I’ll be okay.”

Spike sighed. “I’ll be alright, it’s just… I feel guilty. All of this happened because of me.”

Twilight hugged him harder and I said, “You didn’t make anyone challenge me, Spike. Other people’s decisions aren’t your responsibility, Little Bruv, so try not to dwell on it.”

“...You still haven’t been wrong so far. I trust you, Max.” The sincerity he spoke with...

Sorry, Spike. I really am, bruv. “Thank you, Spike. That means a lot to me.”

Twilight hummed happily and that made us smile. “I’m glad to see my stallions are bonding.”

“Men don’t bond, Twilight,” I reminded her.

“Remember the archipelago?” Spike chuckled.

She rolled her eyes. “I swear, you guys are like brothers or something.”

“I wouldn’t mind at all,” He commented, taking the change in topic.

I nodded. “You practically are already. I might as well start calling you ‘brother’ now since I intend on marrying your sister.”

He smiled. “I think I can deal with that.”

Twilight beamed brightly. “Now I just need you to get along with Shining!” What if I told you that I could’ve nailed his fiance?

Spike sighed. “But he’s such a stick in the mud, I don’t think he’ll ever come around to Max if he hasn’t already.”

Twilight put her arm around my neck and pulled Spike and myself to her chest. “You never know! You guys just need to have faith!”

We scoffed and Twilight blushed. “You work on getting him to accept me as your boyfriend and I’ll command Luna to let me borrow her chambers for a party. It’s about as likely to work.”

“You do have a way with words.”

“I get away with a lot when it comes to Celestia. I give Luna shit, but I know the line.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

Twilight took my hand and gave me a squeeze. “Then how about we save those party plans for another time and just have a night for us? I don’t think it would be a bad idea to do some relaxing after the excitement in the day.”

“Hot tub?” Spike asked.

“Hot tub.” I pointed at him.

Twilight made a frustrated noise. “I didn’t bring a bathing suit!”

I chortled a bit. “You act like I don’t have like, five for Roxy.”

“Roxy’s slimmer than I am and all of your stuff shows too much fur!”

“It’s me, you, and Spike. You used to come to breakfast in your underwear and a blouse.”

“And sometimes the underwear didn't go on until after breakfast anyway,” Spike added.

Twilight blushed and I could hardly bite back a giggle. “Goodness gracious, Twilight! Have some modesty!”

“It didn’t matter back then!”

“I’m just sad-”

“Max!”

“Yeah, yeah, throw on a pair of my shorts if you want. It’s not like I’m worried about sparing some clothes.”

“Well, I’m not exactly going to wear a shirt in a hot tub,” She huffed, being difficult.

“I’ll strip you and toss you in myself, Cherry.”

“I’d really rather you not.”

I got up from the couch and rolled my shoulders. “Then I guess you have five suits to choose from.

Twilight gave me another look, but it wasn’t backed by much other than mild annoyance. In any case, Spike had the foresight to keep some trunks at my place and Twilight eventually settled on my one-piece with the boob-window that was more effective with her figure than Roxy’s. It made me think about my dissociative tendencies, but then I saw Twilight from behind and I didn’t even consider anything other than trying to tear my eyes away before I got caught staring. I mean, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t particularly rude to do so with your partner in private, though Cherry still turned around and saw where I was looking. My eyes didn’t get above waist level for a few seconds since Twilight really was a bit fuller of figure than Roxy and it did not hurt at all.

I still got told to stop ogling her, but all I could really manage was a goofy smile and a sense of pride. Twilight didn't dig, but she did try to even the suit out a little after telling me to stop letting my eyes wander. Yes, I peeked, and no, she did not manage to prevent the suit from fitting so closely to her. The time in the hot tub was nice and all, but Spike eventually passed out and we told him to go to bed, taking some time for ourselves. Well, taking some time to blow off steam, I should say. After all, Twilight and I might get plenty of time alone, but comfort sex Er… I guess just intimacy, then. What can I say? The suit was a turn on and Twilight just so happens to be my favourite thing to focus on.

Other than a little fooling around, the night held little other than mild distractions until we went to bed and I started writing this out…

To be honest, I’m not surprised that I got fucked up. Shouldn’t have turned my back on a guy I already knew had no honour, regardless of the Dragon code or whatever. I’ll check up on Spike a little more often in the next few weeks. Gotta make sure he’s alright and I’ve gotta be alright to do that. All things told… Dying again is more of a piss-off than something I’m actually worried about. It’s actually more of a concern that I died in front of Spike and let him see me kill that bastard shortly thereafter…

… The kid worries me, but I feel like I fuck up with him more often than I help these days…

Author's Notes:

Yeah, so Chapter Thirty was originally 61k and ya boi couldn't post that shit with potato power, so we goin' hit that chop with a solid slap and voila; The Dragon Migration.

Patch Notes:

Max comes to Twilight about self harmRarity still got arrestedAyylmao fuck RarityMax and Twi have different sweet moments, Ig? More development than pointless sweetness, yeahfuckin' lmao, Rares got charged with something for onceGhosty bits are different. Max is more mercy and less mania about dealing with Zeal. Makes a bit more sense with his character growthDoes Noir lactate? Can she? Will she? Max's relationship with the Princesses is clearer than ever lmaoDragon Migration? All different. All of it. All bits. Dragons actually get described(?) I thinkLearning about Scalies Dragons is a bit different. Max still meets Chu-Chu, still has a scrap or two Dying is still pretty non-traumatic, but the method of deathification changes

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As Always, Stay Cool Kids