There wasn’t much I actually wanted to do when I landed back at my house, and there actually wasn’t that much honest sunlight left in the day when I finished with my journals, but I knew that faffing about would essentially be as waste of time when I had friends to write and time to catch up with them. It had been a day or two since I’d got back to Elfriede, so I went to my study, got her letter, and replied to it along with the one from Vinyl and Octavia. Everyone was doing well from the last time they wrote, but even Starshine was mentioning Spring Heat a week before it would even pop up in the wildlife, let alone Ponies. It was kinda stupid since I knew Starshine, at the very least, wanted me to come and smash. Elfriede, on the other hand, was always subtle and kinder in her notes than in person. It was hard to tell if she wanted me to visit or something, but I wouldn’t have minded. Pussy pussy is tight as fuck, and the Queen has a different kind of bite with that beak of hers.

Catching up with my social-life outside of Ponyville never took too long since I don’t read much slower than Twilight and I write faster than anyone else I know while still being somewhat decent with my penmanship. I kind of blamed having to forge signatures for years to stay out of trouble and the time I took to do work in class that let me read or goof off while I was still in school. In any case, I forced myself to go out and do something social, though that’s not to discount keeping in touch with my pen-pals. I could have cheated and counted some one-on-one time with Noir as doing my due diligence, but I figured that I wouldn’t risk the scolding for ignoring my other friends in Ponyville. I didn’t really have a set destination in mind, but Ponyville always did have a tendency of interrupting my interactions with random people, even if the business day was coming to a close. The bars and their flies would be settling in while the teetotallers would go home for their own version of fun, which was usually a good time to get out and avoid being talked to since people were trying to get places.

When I got to Town Square without being stopped once, I figured that seeing Mary for a legitimate, non-coital visit while I was in town would be a nice change of pace. It occurred to me that I could stop by the Lock Pad and catch up a little with Onyx Lock, and as appealing as that already was, I thought I could grab a drink with him too. I liked the guy pretty well, and even though he kind of acted like he hated everyone, I think he liked me to a point. He at least didn’t mind taking time out of his day to listen to my problems, so I told Mary to wait for another day and headed over to spend some time with like, the one guy in the town I was close to that wasn’t like family in one way or another. Even then, Onyx was still kind of a father-figure the more I thought about it, even if I didn’t want to let myself fall into that kind of… Prerogative, I guess. I don't really get it, but it’s like I didn’t want to be clingy, despite only seeing him every few weeks over the fall and winter and being half drunk most of the time at that.

I walked in the Lock Pad and greeted Knuckle Duster, Onyx’s assistant. I dunno if I ever described him, but he, like Onyx, were some of the biggest Ponies I’d ever seen, even if Duster was a little thinner around the waist and dopier of appearance. The guy wasn’t half bad, just spacey as all hell and I didn’t really like talking to him. All I knew about him was that I’d like to have the guy do some heavy lifting if I ever needed it, but other than that, he’d never made much of an attempt to prove that he could even carry a real conversation. I’d met and talked to some specials over the years and rarely had trouble picking up what they put down so to speak since communication is kinda my thing, but Knuckle? I started up a conversation. Not because I wanted his help, but because I really wanted to know if he was special or just cloudy in the noggin.

“So, Knuckle Duster. How long have you been working for the big pink prick?” I asked casually.

“Uh… I dunno?” He answered meekly. Eyes are focusing, ears are flicking. Getting nervous, mate?

“Let me try that again. How many months have you worked for Onyx?”

Duster’s eyes darted from side to side, looking for an answer he wasn’t finding. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know.”

I had a better clue from there, having actually been paying attention to him. “Relax, mate. It’s not like I’m trying to interrogate you or anything, just trying to learn about a friend of a friend.”

He eased up a bit. “Yeah. Alright.”

“You don’t say much do you?” I inquired. Not that special, awkward as hell though. Maybe a little. I can work with ya, mate. “Are you a man of few words, or do you prefer to pick them carefully?”

“Well, not really either…”

“I think I hear an unspoken ‘unless’ in there somewhere,” I commented, recognizing that he had a hand-tic and a slight rock when I leaned against the counter and saw it behind the obstacle.

“W-W-Well… Some ponies just don’t really like talking to me because I can be kinda confusing…” Yup, pinching the thumb before trading hands. Shirt looks like heavy wool in spring. Like Mike. I miss that tosser

I gave him a little smile, trying to find familiar ground to tread with him. “Try me. I’m told I can be a good listener.”

“Well... I was honestly thinking about time, space, and the connections between different points in the stream of temporality, like what kind of connections could exist and if they could be interconnected like invisible hands weaving a tapestry that might destroy all life as we know it, but if that were to happen then wouldn’t it have already happened? Would the world ever get destroyed because of something someone did or would there always be a fail-safe since ponies have always been worried about all sorts of stuff, but even then, time seems to be more like a stream that branches off into different parallel realities, and if someone could travel freely between time and space and those realities-”

I cut him off with a hand gesture. “Mate, your hypothesis on the stream is flawed. Great in my own opinion, but flawed. If it was possible to create different branching paths of time, then surely someone would have given up the secret by now, and you yourself said that time in Equestria is somewhat cyclical. You’re saying that we could potentially breach time and take resources from other periods in time, but if that was possible, the planet would have already been stripped of its resources. In other words, time more or less has to be a Causal Loop or a cyclical system here in Equestria because of the way Celestia runs the government and the fact that no one has been cited as travelling back here from an alternate future. Basically, you’re close to a solid answer, you’re just a little too focused on one aspect of the whole picture.”

Duster blinked at me. “... Now that I think about it, you’re making sense. I guess I just blurt out half formed thoughts sometimes.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just the nature of the intelligent to say those kinds of things, though I’m honestly surprised that you even know what half of the words you said meant.”

He shrugged. “I like Quantum Theory.”

“You should stop by the library some time. I’ve browsed some of Twilight’s more obscure books on theories, and I think you might find something you like,” I suggested.

He gave me a little smile. “I will. Thanks, Baron!”

I rolled my eyes. “This Baron has a name. Call me Max, Duster.”

He looked at me like I’d grown a third head. “Sure, but most ponies call me Knuckle.”

I curled my lip. “That implies that you’re dumb. I won’t insult your intelligence unless you make me, though I am curious as to how you got stuck in the closet that one time.”

He blushed and scratched his head. “I kinda just tune out sometimes. If nopony asks me about anything specific, I can just give them short answers.”

“I understand that. I’m gonna go talk to your boss, have a good one, mate.”

“You too, bud.”

With that, I headed on back since no one stopped me. It’s not like I wasn’t supposed to be there or anything, so it was fine until someone said something about it. I found Onyx picking some locks and remembered that I’d meant to ask him about something for a while. He was busy at the moment so I grabbed a stool for myself and found some tools to start working on locks with. Months without practice had made me pretty rusty, but once I felt the first couple of tumblers sink into position, I started getting better. It took me twelve minutes to crack the locked toolbox and fill out the tag for the job, but I figured that it was still a decent time for not having done it since that Trixie wank-waffle had shuffled into town.

“You do realize that was about a five out of ten, right?” Onyx asked me bluntly.

“My performance or the lock itself?”

“Yeah. Why are you here?” Way to be conversational.

I shrugged. “Figured I needed to stop neglecting my non-female friends if I wanted to keep them. I also need some portable picks, if you have them.”

Onyx grunted and walked through his orderly shop, stopping every now and again to pick something up. He returned with a set of ten picks and a mat that could be used to store them. He fitted the steel slivers into their correct places and folded the small wallet-like thing before waving it in the air.

“This crap is hard to find and hard to make. It’ll cost you five bits per pick.”

“So fifty? No problem at all if it’s an investment in my future freedom.” I tossed him a silver bit coin and he tossed me the pouch.

“Good doing business with you,” He grumbled. “So are you here to talk about something or what? Shop closes in about thirty, so either make it snappy or wait.”

“Whatever’s better for you, buttercup.” I said cheekily.

Onyx picked up a padlock and threw it at me. I learned the rules of dodge-ball from an early age, so I did what came naturally and ducked. Sadly, he was aiming for my chest, so I ducked straight into the lock. I think that was the first time I ever heard Onyx laugh, so I guess that was a plus. I just wished he hadn’t been laughing at me, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that nonsense. I flipped him off and told him to eat a cock-shaped lock, but luckily I wasn’t bleeding or else I would’ve hit him back with something.

Instead of fucking with the guy’s work, I grabbed some ice from his in-shop ice box and put it on the egg forming atop my noggin. He got some gravelly giggles out of that until I reminded him that I could wing a lock at him while he was working and that started an argument which then turned into a competition, which Onyx won because he’s a cheating cunt and is too heavy to shove off of his fucking stool. Not to say I didn’t Charlie-Horse his Pony arse with my psychic tentacle, but it ended there and we eventually got the last few orders of the day done with. Onyx was surprised to find that Duster wasn’t being a ‘dumb buck’ with closing up shop for once, but I honestly think it was just because Duster was out of his head and into the job for the time being.

Onyx and I decided to head out to a pub for a brew or two, though I was actually kind of surprised to find that he was more of an ale and mead man than a stout or a lager lad. It didn’t matter when we got our drinks, especially since mine was just cocoa anyway with a quarter shot of peppermint liqueur. I couldn’t taste the alcohol over the chocolate and peppermint, which Onyx asked about. He’d known me to hold my sauce like he himself could and the fact that I wasn’t really imbibing while on the town was a surprise. I had to admit that I’d been stolen while drunk and couldn’t stomach alcohol as well these days. He slammed his drink and asked who got me, only to grow silent when I told him it was Zeal. Something in his eyes told me it wasn’t going to be over there, even when I told him that she was probably dead as fuck by this point...

In any case, I changed the subject and got on the topic of women I actually wanted to be around. Onyx told me about some of his dealings with the mares in his life and we found out that we were Bone Brothers through Mary. I mentioned that I’d been thinking of seeing her for a social visit earlier and he told me to avoid the back door. I didn't want to know and I didn’t want to ask, so I changed the topic to the other mare he was seeing. I didn’t know anyone by the name of Blueberry Tart, so we didn’t talk about her very long. Still, it was nice to talk to another guy about guy stuff. Spike was alright and Macintosh had got cool with time and effort, but the Dragon was just too young to broach some topics with, and Macintosh…? He had got over his problems with me and actually wanted me to be with AJ, much like the rest of her family. Even then, he had a penchant for not saying much if we weren’t talking about shit that was top-of-the-list important, so it’s not like I had many opportunities. Especially since I lived in a female heavy town like Ponyville. Male company was a commodity around here, regardless of your sex, and it kind of showed with how we treated each other in town. Guys give each other discounts just for being conversational, and I know I usually try to stock up at the General Store when Glide Wind is working. Guy’s cool as shit, just not much of a social butterfly.

I had to ask Onyx where he picked up a character as interesting as Knuckle Duster, but the guy couldn’t really give me a straight answer. He’d told me that he’d just found Duster wandering around Ponyville one day and took a liking to him, so Onyx asked Duster to work in his shop and the rest was history. No one knew where the guy was from or really anything about him other than his name. He’d struck me as a decent sort, but I was a little leery of people who just showed up without anyone noticing. People like that tended to be dangerous, though I trusted Onyx’s judgement for some fucking obvious reasons. The madlad was a damn Operative after all.

I parted with Onyx around late in the night, so I ended up saving the visit with Mary for the next day pretty early in the morning. Twilight got a note with a drop of cologne on it that she replied to as I was walking into town, so I couldn't send anything back. It was practically a good morning text, so there wasn’t much need to reply, especially since I could just walk over to her house while I was in the area anyway. I still trekked on to go visit Mary for a few moments and hoped that she wasn’t busy. As much as I liked fucking the cougar because of her creativity and adventurous nature, she was also nice to talk to and I rarely got to just socialize with the women I’d fucked at some point. It made me feel like more of a gigolo than I wanted to be, so I figured I’d take the steps necessary to start cooling my heels on that kind of thing.

In any case, Mary would either be doing things supposed to be doing, or she would be ‘playing’ until someone burst in through the door. The amount of times I’d caught her with her heels on her desk was a little ridiculous, but what happened afterwards was usually pretty fun, so it was a net positive if you ask me. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, Mary’s receptionist told me to go on ahead and gave me the familiar knowing smile that she always had whenever I stopped by. I didn’t know if she could hear her boss from downstairs or if Mary had just told her what went on, but either way I was pretty sure that the receptionist knew what Mary spent most of her day doing.

I didn’t feel like knocking before I came in, so I didn’t. For once, Mary was actually doing some work. “Hullo there, Ms. Busy. It’s weird to see your hands on paper.”

Mary looked up and gave me a wry smile, not addressing my jab. “If it isn’t everypony’s favourite Baron! How can I help you, Max?”

“Just stopped by to say hi and see what you were up to. I have to say, it’s a nice change of pace to see your hooves on the floor,” I answered cheekily.

Mary coloured slightly and coughed. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that you just happen to catch me at bad times.”

“Right. How many times have I caught you doing something other than Mayor stuff?” I asked.

“... Point taken. As much as I would like to entertain you for a couple of hours, I really must get this done. Maybe we could reschedule?”

“Sounds like a plan to me, though I’ll have to figure out how mad my lover is at me. If she’s upset, then I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain-check until I’m out of the doghouse.”

“Oh? Did you add another mare to your list?” Mary grinned.

“No, she was actually one of my girlfriends, but then I fell for her pretty hard. It’s Twilight Sparkle.”

Mary’s eyes widened. “Really? I was almost certain that you would go for Fluttershy since she’s, well, her. Don’t get me wrong,” She added quickly, “Twilight is a lovely mare, but I just never thought that it would work out between you two.”

“Twilight and I are actually alike in more ways than you might think, and our relationship has always been different to say the least. Fluttershy and I had a great physical connection and we got along well enough, but Twilight and I connect on a more cerebral level and that’s more important to us. It might be the fact that she’s intelligent, or that she’s been a good friend to me through and through, but I just can’t imagine anyone else taking her spot.”

Mary gave me a warm smile. “Well, I’m glad to hear that you’ve found yourself a good mare to settle down with, even if it’s not the one I’d thought you’d pick for yourself. Give Twilight my best next time you see her, will you?”

“I will. Have a good day, Mary.

“You too, sweetie. Next time, bring me some coffee, will you?”

I rolled my eyes. “If you’d get your legs off of your desk and onto the floor more often, you could walk to go get it yourself.”

Mary blushed bright red and I left, chuckling my arse off. I liked getting the last word, especially when it was something amusing. I knew that there wasn’t much else for me to do in town other than shop or go and see Twilight, so I decided to hit up the shop Briar Rose and her sister’s own to grab a few mood-bribes and trade some barbs with the eldest of the siblings while her sisters tried to nag her for talking to the Baron of their town like she was trying to get arrested. Briar let me swear at her sisters since I was nice while doing it and we ‘fuck-damn-shite-buck-hay-shit’ed them into confusion while we got our giggles in. Briar’s a peach, just prickly as all hell if you didn’t know how to take her. I got a hug before I left and her sister’s accepted that their elder and I were cut from a similar cloth.

I almost went to the Treebrary then and there, but I decided on taking a brief walk through Ponyville Park and had a moment to myself therein. The bench I sat at was pretty comfy, so I figured that I could get away with visiting with Noir. I assumed the position, and three breaths later, I was in my mindscape. This time, we were in the Constabulary in Wiltshire. Noir was about to say something when I switched the scene to a place that hadn’t caused severe trauma.

She raised her hands in a placating gesture as I said, “That was fucked up, Noir.”

The ancient Alicorn waved her hands. “I meant no harm, Max. I was simply exploring, and my search took me there. I should have altered the scene before you arrived, but I thought you would be less averse to the visitation, like when you were there with Luna.”

“Just because I could doesn’t mean that I actually wanted to. I was there to kill something so I could sleep. I’m here to visit a friend.”

“... So you chose your childhood home instead?” She looked around at the shitty flat, not really seeming to have faith in her own words for some reason. I didn’t know why, it just seemed that way to me.

“Not the best choice, but at least I’ve already made my peace with what happened here.” I sighed. I closed my eyes and changed the scenery again, this time going to the park I’d come from. “... Anyway, how have you been?”

Noir looked around for a moment before picking a direction to walk in. I followed her since I was interested in what she was doing, but the further we went the more obvious it became that we were heading toward the Everfree. She took her time in answering, but we weren’t pressed for anything anyway. “I have been relatively well. It’s been increasingly unpleasant to see you avoid your lover, I must admit.”

“I’ll cut it out shortly, then. I don’t think I visited last night, so-”

“Time works differently here.” She offered me a little smile, though it was tinged with annoyance or something like it. “We have eight hours that can fold into one, though I doubt we will take the full visit for today.”

We flashed to the Everfree and I took a deep breath, letting it out without answering. It’s not like the imaginary forest would be dangerous in my mind, but I didn’t like the thought of going into the Everfree without a good reason in the first place. I kept my feelings to myself for the time being and continued trailing along behind Noir, watching her tail swish from time to time. I snuck up behind her and tried to pluck one of her feathers, just to see if she would let me do it, but she whacked me with a wing when I got too close.

“Plucking an Alicorn’s feathers is considered a great offence, Maximus,” Noir stated plainly. “And Pegasi would be no fonder.”

“Then I’ll keep that in mind. Can I have one of your feathers?” I asked.

Noir gave me a look. “No. I’m not going to give you something so you can try to tickle me.”

I imagined a feather like the one The Watcher had given me in the Everfree. “I can always make my own stuff to tickle you with.” I poked her with the giant thing.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Do you ever tire of being a fool, or is it just your natural default?”

I shrugged and shouldered my ‘blade’ like I was Cloud or some shite. “You would know better than I would. You spend your days in my head, and you know what I think and how I feel.”

“True enough. You do tire of being a fool at times, but you feel that you have to keep yourself entertained in some way.”

“Yup. Life is boring enough as it is. If I don’t make things fun, then who will?

Noir made an about-face and strode up to me. “I can make things fun for you.”

I looked up at her. “You already do whenever I spend time with you.” She did something rather unexpected and grabbed my gentleman’s sausage. Noir didn’t say a word and looked me in the eye for one long, awkward minute. I was afraid to move, just in case she didn’t want me to go anywhere. She literally had me by the bollocks, and I wasn’t very sure how I felt about that. “... If this is your way of coming onto me, you need to work on your approach.”

“I was wondering how long it would take you to say something.”

We stared at each other for a while longer. “... So are you going to let go?”

Noir’s face started twitching before she cracked up for no apparent reason. I was just glad that she’d let me go without squeezing too hard. Once she calmed down a bit, she said, “I cannot believe it took you five minutes to ask me to unhand you!”

“Well, you literally held my life in your hand, so I wasn’t going to risk pissing you off. No man will ever be that foolish,” I replied irritably.

Noir broke into some more giggles and I started throwing sex toys of various sizes and shapes at her. I didn’t throw them very hard, but it was amusing to watch rubber dildos bounce off of her. I would have just buried her in them and called it a day since she apparently liked dick that much, however, Noir started making them disappear after the first ten or so. I thought that it was a bit cheaty, but then again, I was conjuring ammo from the ether, so I couldn’t say much about the fairness of the situation.

I wanted to shift the scene and do something else, but if Noir wanted to walk, then walk we would. The fake day was pretty nice, so it’s not like I had any real reason to complain other than the fact that I didn't really want to go back into the Everfree if I wasn’t going to get to hunt something. Noir briefly addressed that thought and told me that we could hunt something while we were there from her own memories. I jumped at the opportunity to take down something that Noir considered a worthy opponent, so I girded my loins and prepared for the worst. She said that she set it loose about the forest and that it would come to us eventually, so I needed to stay on my guard. Advanced perception goes a long way in making sure that you don’t get caught napping, so I kept an ear open for any sudden movements in the brush. I didn’t hear anything for about thirty minutes, so I was starting to get a little jumpy. There wasn’t much noise in the forest because there weren’t individual animals there to make any of the noises, meaning that it was eerily silent for the Everfree.

Up until I heard an Earth shattering roar, all seemed well. The ground shook at the ferocity of the sound, and it seemed to come from all directions. I stuck close to Noir since I didn’t know what we were hunting anyway. When I asked out of curiosity, she just smiled and told me to hang on to my underpants. I found that to be a bit ominous, so I conjured up a Needler from Halo because it seemed like a cool thing to go with at the time. I looked around for the source of the roar until it sounded again, much closer this time. I followed Noir’s eyes, but all I saw was more empty forest. I wondered how sporting alien tech actually was and debated on it for a bit.

With nothing to gain and probably nothing to lose, I decided to forgo any weapons that I didn’t have on me when I entered the forest and Noir complimented my decision to do things the right way. I told her that I was going to be pissed if dying in my mind killed me in real life, and Noir just laughed at me, which I found to be a little rude. She assured me that she didn’t mean to be a twat without me saying anything and I told her that it was rude to read minds. Noir rolled her eyes and pointed in a random direction. I followed her finger, and I saw something that looked like a hybrid of a bear, a lion, and jellyfish. It walked on all fours, had a head like a large bear, but the grace and general shape of a fully grown lion. Frail looking tentacles made up its mane and more spines jutted out from its back, giving it the feel of some semi-aquatic creature, like a bear-lion-platypus that God decided wasn’t normal enough for Earth.

“Noir, what in the bloody fuck is that thing?” I asked.

“That, my dear Human, is a Lursite.” Noir gave me a smile.

“Why is it so loud?” The giant thing froze in place, glaring at us.

“Because it is a naughty creature. Very unfriendly and rather lethal.”

“... So... Can I kill it?”

Noir beamed. “The real question is whether or not you’ll survive that long. Let the games begin!”

The Lursite let loose another eardrum-rending roar that I conjured up some headphones to help block out. Shit was seriously unpleasant to the old hearing holes, so I figured that making myself a little more comfortable wouldn’t hurt. I stared down the Lursite for a few more seconds before Noir made her move, leaping through the air and bringing forth a claymore from thin air. At the pinnacle of her leap, she began her swing and brought it down on the Lursite with killing intent. I watched as Noir’s blade barely pierced the beast’s hide, which made me a little nervous and giddy at the same time. I decided not to let Noir have all the fun and ran in after her a few seconds after her strike. The Lursite was a bit cumbersome, but its swipes were quick enough to be deadly if it caught you. I kept that in mind as I dashed through its front paws and tried to slam Nacht home into its underbelly. I realized why Noir’s sword had barely done anything; the creature’s fur was so unbelievably thick that I could barely get the dagger to its flesh.

I ducked and dodged underneath the creature before rocketing out to attack it from the side. Its tentacles waved in the air and creeped me out a fair deal, so I started hacking away at those. The Lursite wasn’t happy about that at all, and turned its head to give me one Hell of a roar. I actually got stunned like I was playing some MMO or something, but the sheer volume had left me with precious few other choices, and I was pretty sure that I would have gotten taken out then and there if Noir didn’t run interference for the time it took me to get my bearing. Once I did, I was pissed.

Mr. Nice Guy had gotten blown away with the roar and Mr. Prick was back in action. I put some distance between myself and the Lursite, preparing to strike it with my telekinesis. I focused my tentacle into a spear tip and coiled it up to give it a little extra power, and with one fluid motion, I sent it hurtling towards the Lursite, taking its front left leg. I had pierced straight through it in my frustration, but since I was working at the edge of my telekinetic limit, the damage wasn't as grave as I would have liked it to be, so I closed in a little and prepared another strike.

With my last move, I’d gotten the creature’s attention, despite Noir annoying it with some handy blade-work. It swept its thick tail, sweeping Noir off of her feet to face the real threat; Me. I was ever so willing to stab this fucker in the face, so I cocked the tentacle back and let it loose, aiming for one of the creature’s eyes. Sadly, my aim failed me, which meant that I was now staring down something easily five times my size, and that thing wanted my butt-hole in a portable, disposable cup. I drew the Warbling Blade and took a second to focus it into its serrated, hot knife form before rushing the Lursite for another go at it, slicing and stabbing as I dashed through its front paws again. My gambit proved foolish because the heavy piece of shit just laid down on me.

That was a mistake on its part. I used my tentacle to surround myself so I wouldn’t get crushed immediately and started working on recreating a scene from Star Wars. I hacked away at the beast’s belly until it rose, pouring blood all over me. I didn’t let up there, preferring to get nice and dirty with the job since I was already covered in its vital fluids. Clinging to its fur, I sliced and gouged until I had carved out a sizable chunk of its flesh. My stomach churned when I thought about the grisly task, but I was deep in the sick pleasures of a life and death moment, and my opponent was a fearsome one.

Sadly, I miscalculated the time I was supposed to spend under the beast because it suddenly hopped back, leaving me exposed to an attack, and attack it did. I felt a lot of things when it swept me away with one of its paws, but luckily once I could wrap my head around the pain of having half of the bones in my body broken at once, I remembered that I could heal myself. I was a little shaken from that, so I needed a moment to get my head together, but it’s not like I had to rush.

Noir had jumped back into the fray while I was chopping away at the Lursite and was keeping it busy better than I had, hopping all around the beast, wearing it down. I’d caused considerable damage with the Warbling Blade, but that hadn’t really slowed it down much since it was fighting even harder for its life. I hated that we hadn’t been able to make it a quick, painless kill, but the thing was fucking tough and it probably would have killed Noir and I if we weren’t in the dreamscape, so I didn’t feel all that bad.

I got off my lazy arse and ran back to join Noir in taking down our formidable foe. Since going under it hadn’t worked, I tried climbing on top of it, taking fistfuls of its fur to make my journey a little easier. The Lursite barely even noticed my presence with Noir handling the majority of its attention, so I did the first thing that came to mind: I cut its tail off with my tentacle. The creature stopped suddenly, but Noir didn’t, preferring to keep up her relentless assault on the beast. The Lursite turned its head and ignored her completely, staring at me on its back. I waved and it let loose a roar that actually did blow my eardrums, leaving me stunned again, but this time, it didn’t allow me to rest. I nearly got stepped on, but thankfully, Noir is the best person to have on your side in a fight. She used some of her magic to create a shell around me so that I wouldn’t be instantly crushed, and while I was in that shell, I took the time to heal the damage I’d accrued.

Noir wasn’t paying that much attention to anything other than keeping me safe, so I had to cut my way out with the Warbling Blade and rise to join the fight. The Lursite had focused on Noir and was constantly roaring at her, trying to stun her. I wasn’t having any more of this creature’s bullshit, so I formed my telekinetic tentacle into a spear point again, but I wasn’t aiming for a leg or something like that this time. The Lursite had wrecked my arse twice, so I was going to do the same to it. I took careful aim and thrust my tentacle at its most vulnerable point. Instead of roaring, it let out the most pitiful squeak and laid down before rolling over onto its back.

Noir walked around the creature and watched as it healed itself. She joined me at its rear and asked, “Was that really necessary? I am rather sure that we could have slain the beast without resorting to such filthy tactics.”

“When in doubt, shove something up its arse, baby. That little guess sure seemed to work out” I grinned and stopped acting like I was in some hentai.

The Lursite rolled back onto its belly and stayed there with its newly formed tail between its legs. “Despicable. If I had known that a Lursite could be quelled by sticking something into its buttocks, exterminating them would have been so much easier.”

“A lot of things can be calmed down by doing that. It’s like grabbing someone’s dick and expecting them to want to continue fighting,” I drawled.

“I grabbed your phallus and you chose to fight the Lursite,” Noir pointed out.

“Yes, but you weren’t grabbing my dick while we were fighting the Lursite.” I walked around to the front of the creature and it buried its muzzle in its paws, whimpering like a four-cylinder that was nearing the end of its mileage. “I think I might have domesticated it.”

“I imagine that having something shoved into that place would make most creatures wary of you.” Noir surmised drily before joining me. “Remind me to never push you that far.”

“If you don’t break most of my bones, then you won’t have to worry about it. Try and kill me quick, if you want to do it at all.”

“I would not try to kill you. You know this already,” Noir answered, considerably more offended than I would’ve been in her shoes.

“Don’t take it to heart, Cobbler-” I made a face. “Blackberry?”

“Blackberry is better, though-”

“Yeah, don’t take it personally. I’d rather have Twilight kill me quick if she was going to do it at all. See where I’m coming from, yeah?”

She didn’t appear to like what I was saying anyway as she pursed her lips. “Then we can leave this conversation behind. Do you want to finish slaying the Lursite?”

I reached out to it and stroked its head. The Lursite took one of its paws off of its nose and looked at me, fearful and unwilling to keep going. “I don’t think so. It’s not the prettiest creature, but it did put up one Hell of a fight. I think it deserves a bit of dignity after what I did to it.”

She nodded and the scene changed to the beach that I had visited with Celestia and Luna when I was tripping on snake venom. I conjured up a mirror and some bathing suits before changing myself into Roxy so I could admire my figure. Since we were in the mindscape and I could do it, I tried giving myself different complexions to see if I was any sexier with a tan, but I was happy with my paleness, so I just magicked on something nice and blue with black and gold accents since I have taste. Noir chose a modest one piece that I thought was nice, if not a little plain.

“Judge my attire as you please, some of us have a modicum of modesty, even when there is only one other person present.”

I shrugged, giving her an amused smile. “It’s not like your endowments are gonna go unnoticed any time soon, Noir. You’re stacked and tall enough to stand out with your beauty. Own that shite, my gal.”

“I do own it, Maximus, I am simply no slut who wishes to be put on display.” She answered a touch coldly.

In the spirit of having a good day, I ignored her tone and made light of it. “Oi, I’m not… Well, I might be a bit of a slut, but how can you fault me for finding myself attractive? Isn’t it important to be comfortable with and like yourself?” I grinned. “What’s wrong with appreciating my own cutie-beauty?”

“Your attraction to yourself is extremely narcissistic and nearly always sexual, Maximus. Do you not remember the days when you were uneasy wearing a female’s undergarments?” Noir shook her head, looking a little less annoyed, but still conjuring a thin robe to cover more of herself.

“Yeah, I remember those days, but then I started thinking that I was hot. Is it so wrong to want to be attractive, Noir?” I did a little twirl and let my stupidly long hair fan out as I did. “I mean, am I not cute?”

“I prefer you as a male.”

“So you’re straight-”

“I did not say that, regardless of what I implied.”

“Seriously, what’s wrong with liking how I look?”

“Roxanne and Maximus are two different beings that share a body. You love your mask more than you love yourself and the self-enthused debauchery you find yourself revelling is beyond unsettling, Max.”

“... Ouch.”

“It is strange to dress up for your own sexual pleasure instead of someone else’s. You literally masturbate to yourself.”

“Oi, I try to look sexy for Twilight too! It’s just that she’s not always around and I don’t want to send her pictures all the time because I never know when Spike might find them.” I thumbed my nose, not happy that she was clearly taking shots.

“I know this, you do not have to explain yourself.” Noir closed her eyes and conjured up a canopy tent for us. I made a couple of reclining chairs for us and had a seat, but didn’t say anything for a bit, my parade having been cancelled with the advent of Noir’s rain. “It is not like you to sulk.”

“... Does it bother you that I find Roxy so attractive?”

“Yes.” Lovely- “It is most likely a result of your being violated on multiple occasions. Subconsciously, you wish that you were someone else so that you could have lived a different life, and Roxy fulfils that desire for you. She is like a second skin that you can wear, and when you do, you feel clean, the exact opposite of how you feel in your normal body. I could tell you that you are a good person that deserves to be happy, but you would not internalize it coming from me. Perhaps you will come to your senses after a few more years with Twilight.”

“... Thanks, I guess.”

“You needed to hear it. I regret being curt with you, not what I said.”

“... It sucks when your psycho-analyzation makes me sound like a fucking lunatic. What kind of guy gets his jollies from changing sexes like he changes clothes?” I asked, thoroughly put off.

“A damaged individual that looks for ways to heal. I do not believe that your attraction to Roxy will negatively affect you, though some may find your ability to change without missing a beat to be a bit odd.”

I sighed. “I’ve always been an adapter, I guess. It just sucks that I’ve been using Roxy as a crutch.”

“You really haven’t. You rarely enough change into her, and even then, your main reason for doing so is to spend more time with your friends. I would warn you if your behaviour was getting out of hand. Other than being creepy and unsettling when I pay too much attention, there’s nothing wrong with it.” The looked I gave her didn’t faze her at all. “And speaking of, it is good that you did not lay Mary. If Twilight knew that you had come back to town and slept with another mare before seeing her, she would have been hurt.”

“I figured as much. When do you think I should go see Twilight?”

“I do not fully understand why you chose to come here instead of having the talk you know she wants to have with you. Unless you are simply waiting for the bruises on your knuckles to finish healing.”

“More or less…”

“Moping does not suit you.”

“And cutting someone down when they’re feeling good about themselves doesn’t suit you.”

She looked at me, a brow raised. “I expect the same level of courtesy from you.”

“It’s not courteous. There’s a million ways to get any given point across. You chose the way-”

“Max, get over it. I will not coddle you constantly.”

“Then expect the same courtesy should you show me a side of yourself I don’t approve of,” I answered, not using any inflection.

“... And if I choose not to?”

“Then you’re fair-weather, two-faced, and shady.”

“... I see.”

I shrugged. “Don’t be a cunt and expect me to just take it, Noir. If we don’t want to deal with each other, we both have ways of straight up just not interacting with the other. From what I know, you can’t drag me into the mindscape and I can avoid it altogether.” The look in her eyes turned cold, so I added, “What? If I spent my time insulting you and your life choices, you’d smile and agree? Lay down and not defend your position?”

“Maximus, I do not believe I meant the offence you have taken.”

I rolled my eyes. “In any case, I would’ve taken Twilight with me to see the fight and all, but she’s still a Pony and a pacifist for the most part at that. Doesn’t seem to mind givin’ me a smack, though.”

Noir let the topic drop since we’d said our peace for the most part. “You really should have taken her with you, and I should have told you to do so. Come to think of it, you still need to collect your reward for winning.”

Reward? “Wait, was I supposed to get something? I didn’t think the challenge was for anything other than like, honour or something.”

Noir chuckled, the mood lightening piece by piece. “That may be a reward in and of itself, but there should be something else for you to claim, if the old ways were truly invoked. Perhaps you could write Celestia a note before you go see Twilight?”

“I could always do that, but before I go, I have a few more questions for you.”

“Ask away.”

“Why is your horn broken? It looks cool, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t make much sense in the mindscape.”

“It is a complicated matter, but essentially it is because I lack both completeness in my magicks and due to my… Situation,” Noir said solemnly. “I do not wish for it to be whole while I reside within you, as I am currently something akin to a raw Anima, or a soul bonded to yours. If I were whole… I will not lie and say that the temptation to have another chance at life would not be attractive.” Whatever she saw on my face made her smile a little for some reason, her hands folding calmly. “Maximus, cease your sympathizing. It is far too endearing a quality.”

“It’s not sympathy, Noir. I can’t imagine what your view of the mirror is like.”

“Then your empathy is appreciated and unneeded. You have more questions, of course.”

“Well, with that mood killer out of the way, why don't we move onto something happier like, time dilation. How does that shit work in here?”

“Magic.”

“I know that, but how magic do?” I asked.

“Magic do temporal displacement. When you’re inside of your mind, I can alter your perception of the flow of time using either bits of my magic or chemicals that your brain produces during slumber anyway. Minutes could seem like days if I wanted them to. I do not alter time while you are not here, just in case you decide to come in unexpectedly and I could not cease in time. If you were to come while I was in the middle of altering time as you understand it, I could put you into a coma that may take decades to bring you out of. In the same vein, it could tickle you and make you sneeze harder than normal. It is not a certainty, nor a risk I enjoy thinking of.”

“... Have I ever mentioned how much I love the fact that you’re not evil?

“I do not believe such a thing is quotable at the moment, but I suppose the sentiment behind it is known well enough,” Noir commented airily.

“Well, I won’t start now. I will tell you that I appreciate what you do for me, even if I don’t know the half of it.”

Noir tilted her head toward me and gave me a smile. “I know. That’s why I continue to do things for you; I know that you will not take them for granted. As for my earlier rudeness-”

“You wanted to get your point across, I just took it straight to the heart. We’re fine.” I shot her a smile and she rolled her eyes. “Anyway, if I ever start forgetting my luck, just let me know that I’m being a self-centred prick and I’ll knock it off. You do too much for me to treat you as anything other than a friend, or something like that,” I answered sincerely, meaning everything I’d put on the table.

“Something like that indeed…”

“What’s on your mind?”

“Hm… How do you think you perceive me? What is your general opinion of me?”

“... You’re an older friend who puts up with my flirtations because you know they’re not meant to do anything other than make you smile or scoff. Kinda like Luna’s my cousin or something and you showed up to Christmas with her, but Luna’s forty and I’m a teenager who has no business talking to you about adult-shite, even if I live alone and only showed up for the free food.”

She gave me an odd look. “... I am the sexy family friend.”

“Yeah, basica-”

“Ha! Ha-ha-”

“Hush, woman.” I flung some sand at her.

She smiled and tossed a clamshell back at me. “Looking at women out of your league, are you not?”

“I already knew that, and it was true for Celestia and Cadance too, Blackberry. I like women out of my league.”

The look on her face made me blush. “And what makes us out of your league?”

“... Age? Status? Sheer experience?”

“Looks, endowments, resources, power,” Noir added, fingering the arm of her chair as I shrugged. “It was not necessary to dive into your mind for those answers, Max. I can practically see them on your face.”

I shrugged again. “It is what it is-”

“What makes you think that your wisdom and cleverness does not bridge the gap between age and experience? Especially with the life you’ve lived.” I rubbed my neck and she continued. “You yourself have admitted that you care little for status, and by Earth standards, your least conventionally attractive features were your crooked smile, nose, and teeth. Your acne as well.” I pursed my lips and glanced away for a moment. “Your teeth are straight and whiter than ever. Your acne is long gone.” She nabbed my attention by touching my arm, my face red-hot. “And even now, I’m sure that you know that the angle of your smirks and the notch in your nose are charming to most. Your appearance is more mature than you tend to act, Maximus, and you are, at the very least, not hard on the eyes. In my time, I would have named you a By-blow-Beau; A handsome, womanizing face.”

I scratched the nape of my neck. “... I’m not that much of a womanizer, am I…?”

“The women in your life use you more than you them, Max.”

“I thought so…”

“... It is not necessary.”

“I’ll do something about it eventually. Lay down some law or something, I guess.”

“... You know that I care for you, Maximus. Rarity is not a friend you need to keep, and Fluttershy has always cared more for your body more than your well-being.” I gave her a sidelong look. “... I see.”

I snapped myself back into my usual form, just thinking up some shorts because I don’t really like being naked for no reason. “No, Noir, I…” I shook my head. “... Guess I feel like I owe it to ‘em.”

“And you’ve already paid them back, Max. More than most would deserve.”

I passed her a little smile. “That’s not how I work.”

“As noble and endearing as I find it, I want to advise against such a method of dealing with people.”

I shrugged. “... There’s never been a point in my life where I only dealt with people I liked or didn’t have problems with, Noir. It’s how life is.”

“Then perhaps I simply cannot relate.” She settled into her chair, sighing. “When I walked the land you do, I slayed the people I found treacherous. It was easier to do so than to wait for them to cross me again, and even then, it took little suspicion to lose your life around me… Even though I no longer wish death immediately against those who would do another wrong, I still feel the need to cast them from a life they have no part in.” Noir looked at me and the ghost of a smirk crossed her face. “... I worry about your… Everything, Max. I worry in general.”

“I know, and I appreciate that. A lot more than I can say, but I guess you know.” I shot her a little grin and her smirk deepened as she shrugged. “Speaking of things and knowing them... That’s more or less the first thing you’ve told me about your past, other than the Old Castle related stuff. Or the stuff about Nightmare Moon not being a half of you rather than your sibling.”

She made a coconut-cup drink of some kind, though I didn’t smell pineapples. “I know more about you than I have any right to. Ask and you shall receive.”

“What’s your favourite hobby? Now and when you walked Equus?”

Her brow furrowed for a second and she sipped her drink. “Well, to be completely honest, my youth was spent training to kill people, so my favourite ‘hobby’ was reading since my Masters and Mistresses accepted that I was more magically powerful than most and needed to enrich my mind. On occasion, I could escape into a fantasy novel, though the genre is more or less science-fiction in context when viewed from your eyes. I always did dream of leaving the Ward to become an Artificer.”

“... You’re a bookworm tech-nerd?” I asked, thumbing my nose.

Noir passed me a mock glare as she chuckled. “To put it rudely, then yes. I was in my youth, and I still enjoy reading to this day. Your works hold similar spirit to the elder tales, before Equestria’s literature was seen fit to be censored.”

“So you’re a fan?”

“The Midnight Stroll Novels are gems, yes. The romance was less appealing to a woman that never married by her own choice, but still holds up compared to other novels of the same genre, even some of those from Earth.”

“Damn, that actually means a lot, especially since it’s coming from someone who can read every book Luna’s ever touched on top of my own days dumped into pages.” I rubbed my neck, noticing for once that I always did it when I was embarrassed. Noir looked away when the thought crossed my mind and shook a little. “Oi, what’re you gigglin’ at, tall, dark, and fearsome?”

Her blush was unexpected, but the smile on that damn face was patronizing all the same. “Oh, so you will accept a compliment on your work without complaint, but your personage?”

“You’re about to get buried in sand, love.” She raised a brow, but I took a shot in the dark and said, “Blackberry.”

“Better.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “So who was your favourite person to talk to on Equus?”

“Oh, that is honestly a tough question. Anhinga Acheron, for one, was a very close friend through letters. The man was an Elder before I was even born and his blunt wisdom was always appreciated long into my days. He was actually one of the few I called friend, along with a woman I only knew as ‘Lark’ or Leethe. Memories were lost at multiple points, but I do remember being fond of them and their unique views. As for the people I hated most, Discord, Tirek, and Yggdragil were easily the top three.”

“Do you remember much about your friends?”

“Unfortunately, those memories likely lie with the magic of mine that still Luna possesses. I cannot even recall their penmanship, let alone their voices or faces.”

“Well, I don’t really wanna talk about the people you hate unless you sword-fucked them before you got shaded.”

She giggled at that, but it was a wistful sound accompanied by a pained grin. “Ah, I did indeed ‘sword-fuck’ Yggdragil, but Tirek escaped me before I could pay him back for breaking my ribs, as the Bastard Minotaurs are known for.” She rolled her eyes, far more amused now than she’d been. “Tirek actually had the gall to try and invade my damn country, but when I slayed his kin by the hundreds and Nyx heard that I was hogging the slaughter? Oh, he was another breed of impatient, and it was most certainly the end of Tirek’s forces in our lands-”

“Who’s Nyx?”

“My brother before she became my sister, Nightmare Moon.”

I blinked. “Nightmare Moon was trans?”

“Considerably more Ponies are than you might think. Have a friend help you with the spell, clear a name change with the local government and get it filed, then voilà; You have a new identity that is traceable to your old one. It was in fashion when I strode Equus, but I never particularly cared. Even in these days, you’ve passed by at least two or three shops that were specifically for a sex-change spell.”

“Huh, that’s kinda cool. Try out the other side and if you hate it then and there, they can just flip the switch. It’d be nice if Earth had something like that. Y’know, less permanent, more complete. People would probably still get salty over it, but fuck; Who would really care at that point? Everyone would probably try it at some point just to see the other side.”

“When the fashion was new, that was very much the sentiment many held. I myself never changed my sex outside of the mindscape-” Her face fell as a thought bounced around in my head, “No, Max, I was not- You know that is not why I said what I did… I have no issue if you want to stay a female, but flipping between the sexes freely does have consequences that I just do not want to see you struggle with.”

“I’m not trans, Blackberry.”

“And if I continue down this route, I see myself muddling my words and making a fool of myself.” She shook her head, eyes wide.

I chuckled at her, not having really been offended at all in the first place when I’d considered her judgement against the acceptance she showed. I’d been in the process of parsing it out when she explained it anyway. “You know, it’s actually kinda nice to see you get flustered. It’s humanizing.”

Noir paused for a second. “... I do tend to speak with a certain inflection and tone. No one could ever insult my posture. ‘Proper’ tends to be my leaning, even when I joke with you…” She snorted. “No wonder you thought I was out of your league. You see me as an authority figure!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Go make your bed!”

I gave her a shitty look. “We both know damn well my corners are tighter than your cunt’s ever been.”

She drew back and placed a hand over her chest. “Why, I most certainly-” She thought about it. “Well, not all of us are as slutty as you, in any case.”

“Noir!”

“Max.”

“You cunt!”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “I win~”

“I despise you from the hard part of your hooves to the hardest part of that fuckin’ colossal pumpkin on your shoulders.”

Noir gaped at me. “My head is perfectly proportional to my-”

“Tits? Yeah, your fuckin’ dome weighs twice as much as those mayo globes.”

She threw her drink at me and I cackled until I got picked up and thrown through the air like I- Well, I’m not that short on Earth, but Noir’s seven feet tall anyway. I sailed across the open beach and realized that Noir intended on skipping me. If there was more I could do about it, I would’ve been considerably less wet and sore than I was when she brought a raft out to see me.

“I do apologize, Maximus. I did not quite hear the last thing you said.”

She let me crawl on and lay down for a sec. “Ugh… Id-was prolly fuck, honeshtly.” I groaned.

“I think I heard ‘mayo globes’, perhaps? Fuck was a little after that, I believe.”

“Lard-berry.”

“Stick-bug.”

“Fuck you.”

She sat next to me and started rubbing a creamy substance on the parts of me that made moving hurt, which made me remember that the laws of reality were relative. “Wait- No-”

I rolled off just in time to avoid getting puked on directly, but I figured Noir could take mentos and coke just fine. I’d only thought about five and a pint into her stomach, which sounded fair enough to me for getting skipped six times before splashing down. I found myself in a grassy glade, chuckling on soft grass when Noir ported herself over, still coughing and sputtering before she plopped down next to me. Her eyes were watering and her nose could beat Usain Bolt in a hundred-metre dash, so it appeared that we’d both learned our lessons.

“You’ve got the strength, I’ve got creativity.”

“That was entirely retched, Max. Entirely, wholly unpleasant, I will have you know.”

“You threw me.”

She pinched my nose. “You called my head a pumpkin!”

“You can be a pumpkin here in a sec.” I poked her side, finding that she wasn’t ticklish. I’d half expected her to be for some unknown reason. “Truce?”

Noir shook the hand I offered. “A truce indeed, to last until you are an ass again.”

“I’d just like to point out that you started it with that ‘authority figure’ comment.”

“And you escalated it by insulting my womanhood over such a contrivance.”

“You insulted my cleanliness.” She rolled onto her side and looked at me funny, but not funny ha-ha. “I put effort into keeping my shite nice-”

“Except for your boots.”

“I replaced them!”

“Max, you had them converted into house shoes!” She laughed as I took genuine offence. “Maximus, throw them away!”

“I’m gonna wear those fucking boots until they die, dammit!”

“You are wearing the husks-” She stopped laughing, probably having actually looked into it. “... They were already four years old?”

I thumbed my nose. “... Maxwell took me to the shop himself. Had ‘em measured so they’d let me grow, not that I did much… First anything I ever had custom, specifically made for me.”

“Your sentimentality is beyond adorable, and my teeth are growing saint-like by the second.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I shrugged, “they just remind me of good times.”

Noir tweaked my nose because she could, smiling warmly at me, her eyes crinkling with the gesture. “Why do you not tell anyone?”

“... Kinda fucks up the whole ‘scary badass’ thing-” The look she gave me wasn’t necessary. “Yeah, I know, I’m soft as fuck half the time.”

“It would be natural for us to grow closer as time passes, but rarely have I felt closer to you.”.

I grinned back at her. “I guess the bonds you make with barbs stick a little better than the fair-weather ones.”

“It does make me wonder how deep these bonds may become.”

“... I wonder what we’ll be like in a hundred years. I bet I’ll be even funnier than I am now,” I chuckled.

“You are funny? This is news to me.” Noir stated.

“Shut up before I put a saddle on you and ride you around,” I threatened.

“... You wouldn’t.”

I imagined a small saddle for a pony from my world. “Try me, love.”

“Have I ever mentioned how comedic I find your antics?” Noir said quickly.

While having a saddle, I imagined semi-real, Earth pony-ponies that were all coloured the same as the Gal-Pals and the Princesses. Some had wings, some bad horns, some had both, just like in life I browsed through my small selection of ponies while Noir occasionally pet one and decided to go with Twilight since I figured she would be a good pony. I was proven wrong three minutes later when she bucked out of nowhere and threw me into the sand, and Noir laughed at my misfortune until Celestia took off into the sky before dropping her into the ocean. I had a giggle at that and went after her until she surfaced and lazily teleported herself back onto dry land like she didn’t have perfectly fine arms and legs.

Noir chided me for calling her lazy and kicked me out of my own mindscape so I would still have time to go see Twilight. It was starting to get late, so I stopped in front of a shop, styled my hair a little bit, and got to walking so I could catch her before the day ran too long. I passed some ducks on the way to Twilight and I was certain that they were the same ducks I had seen last time, but now they were away from their stand. I decided not to bother them since they weren’t bothering me, but my stomach growled and my hunger changed its target from a cheesy egg sandwich to poultry. I wanted some roast duck, but that would have been unnecessary since I could go into the Everfree and get my own meat sometime soon. I thought about steak the rest of the way to Twilight’s place and caught myself drooling once.

… I fucking miss steaks. And burgers. And sausage… Thick, hot, juicy, tender, bacon-wrapped sausage...

I need to stop, so I’ll pick up with getting through town. Arriving at Twilight’s felt like it hadn’t taken as long as it usually did, though I was pretty sure that it was because I was expecting to get bitched at. I knocked on the door and Spike answered it, but instead of letting me in, he stepped out. “Dude, Twilight is… Not happy,” He warned.

“I figured as much. How do I smell?” I asked casually.

He gave me a weird look and sniffed me. “Good, I guess. Is that really what you should be worried about?”

“You’ll learn eventually. When a girl is mad at you, every little thing can help you out, even just smelling good.”

“... Did you really go fight someone after the party?”

“Yeah, decked the guy in the face a few times, poked him with a magically blunted knife, won the duel. Might get something for it, I dunno.”

He stared at me. “... Was it really Prince Blueblood?”

“You mean Blueba- Yeah, Blueblood. Forgot his actual name for a sec.”

“... Max, he’s… Bigger than you.”

“You’ve met him?”

“I lived in the castle… I got in his way and he punted me.” Spike folded his arms. “Did you punch him in the face hard?”

“You bet your scaly eyebrows, I did. Cheeky cunt tried to bring a knife that wouldn’t get blunted with magic,” Spike’s eyes shot open, “yeah, so I let him have it and kicked his arse anyway. I didn’t have to punch him, but knowing he’s an enemy of the family?” We nodded simultaneously.

“Fuck that guy.”

The door swung open since I’d been boasting, got Spike to cuss with me, and the universe hates me in general. My girlfriend’s brows were practically touching, her usually lovely lips were in a firm line, and the eyes I loved to lose myself in told me to ‘get lost’ “Stop telling my brother to swear, first of all.”

“Oi, hiya there-”

“Max.” She said tersely.

“Yes, Cherry?” I asked.

“Why would you go to fight someone and only tell me when you’re on your way?”

Spike held his hands behind his back. “I woulda liked to watch, to be honest.” Twilight opened the door and made room for him to pass. “But Twilight!”

“But Spike, I hear several book reports echoing in the near future for you. All written, part oral.”

I put a hand on his shoulder. “Cherry, you’re mad at me. C’mon.” I patted his back and made a sweeping gesture toward the door. “Bugger off a mo’, yeah? We’ll catch up another time.”

If anything, it kind of pissed Twilight off more that Spike listened to me instead of her, but when he turned and started with the face, I shot him a look darker than a new moon and he did, indeed, go on somewhere. Looking back at Twilight, I raised my hands while she closed the door behind her, folding her arms. “... You know why I’m mad, Max.”

“... Honestly, the more I think about it, the more reasons I find.”

“Funny how that works.”

I scratched my temple. “... I didn’t think you; One, wanted to come along. Two, wanted to see me potentially lose. Three, wanted to see me get hurt in general.”

“Max… I don’t want you fighting at all.” She sounded annoyed, but at least she’d burned most of her steam out already. The anger gave way to the worry and I approached for the hug, holding her to my chest as she asked, “... Did you get hurt…?”

“Punching Blueblood’s face in hurt him more than me, but technically yeah.”

“Technically.”

“My knuckles are almost healed already, the crusties are ready for a daub of alcohol and a wipe.”

Twilight pulled away to check for herself. “... Barely even necessary...“ I didn’t like seeing the concern etched into the relieved grin on her face, but I’d still yet to lie to her. “... There’s nothing else, right?”

“I’m an Operative, Cherry. He’s a cocky Prince with more privilege than he could waste. Fighting is second nature to me. Celestia herself said half his ‘fights’ are duels he’s arranged to win for the sake of his piss-ant pride. I just didn’t want to worry you, Twilight, and watching me fight at all would make you worry.”

“I worried anyway, Max… Especially when you didn’t stop by…”

“I’m sorry, Twilight.”

“... Why did you even go and do it?”

“I couldn’t really say no-”

“That’s not true and you know it,” Twilight said hotly. “Duels haven’t been honoured in Equestria for dozens of years!”

“That’s true, but if I backed down to some stuck up prick, what would that say about me?” I asked patiently.

“It would say that you’re not reckless or foalish enough to get mad at everypony who doesn’t like you!”

“It wasn’t that he didn’t like me, it was that he was directly challenging my authority as a Baron and Celestia’s choice in making me such a thing. I couldn’t let it go unanswered one way or another, and there was no guarantee that I could out-wit him with words alone. The duel was for the best, Twilight.”

“Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.” She reached for my hands and I let her have them. “... Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Absolutely peachy, Cherry. Rarely have I been better.”

Twilight glared at me, mild though it was. “Next time, don’t leave town without talking to me… At least if you’re going to go and do something dangerous.”

“I’ll be sure to see you before I leave again,” I assured her.

Twilight sniffed. “You’d better.”

I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, trying not to snark at her since I was in the wrong. “Can we stop being mad and go back to being goofy? I like being goofy.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “You’re always goofy.”

“Yes, but you’re not goofy right now.” I gave her another peck.

Twilight turned towards me and levelled an attempt at being salty my way, but I ignored it and went for a kiss that she tried to pull away from. I followed her with my lips, not breaking contact until she eventually gave up and returned it. The power of kisses is strong, and Twilight is susceptible to their magic when I utilize them, which I abused when I needed to. I let Twilight push me back a little and looked at her, waiting for her to speak. Instead, she came in for another kiss and a hug that I was all too happy to give her.

It took her a while to speak, but when she did, I made sure to listen. “... It bothers me when you don’t think about other ponies, Max. You’re usually so good about it.”

“I just didn’t think you’d be interested in watching me potentially kill someone. I didn’t know what the rules of the contest were when I accepted, which was my fault and I apologize for not gathering information before rushing off.”

She turned a little green at the mention of murder, but skipped it. “At least you know what mistakes were made.” She pursed her lips again and sighed. “I really don’t want to ask because it feels like I’m condoning violence, but… You won, right?”

“Without taking a single hit. It was a brutal lesson in not picking fights with Operatives,” I grinned.

Twilight tried to give me a disapproving look, but I knew she was proud that I’d come out on top. “Bad Max! Hurting ponies isn’t right!”

“Oi, I wouldn’t have hurt the guy if he didn’t try to cheat. Well, I wouldn’t have hurt him as badly.” I couldn’t stop my smile. “Plus he kicked Spike and no one ever kicked him back to my knowledge, so I think it was time well spent.”

Cherry tilted her head. “Blueblood did deserve a beating for that… I never could find a prank good enough to get back at him.”

I shrugged. “Should’ve just hit him in the face. A lot more satisfying than coating the guy in glitter.”

Twilight gave me a worried look. “How did Blueblood try to cheat, anyway?”

“He got a blade that wouldn’t allow Celestia’s sparring spell to take effect for longer than a few seconds. I agreed to fight him anyway because I knew from the way he stood that he wasn’t worth a damn with a knife.” I chuckled at that. “Seriously, it was painfully obvious. You probably could have taken him, at least, during this week.”

Twilight coloured slightly. “Max, I can’t believe you took a completely unnecessary risk without even considering the consequences! What would happen if you got hurt? What if you were killed!?”

I gave her a look. “I’m practically immortal for the next three hundred years, I’ve told you that. I didn’t take a risk at all, cherry, I knew he didn’t stand a chance. Even if he would have gotten a lucky swing off, Celestia was meters away and I would have come back anyway.”

That took some of the wind from Twilight’s sails. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that whole ‘undying’ thing... I guess that’s going to take some getting used to.”

“Especially in the bedroom. My dick don’t quit, baby,” I intoned cheesily.

“Dude!” I heard Spike call out from the library.

“Sorry mate! Still hasn’t happened yet!” I called back.

“Max, Shut up!” Twilight burned bright red and whacked me a few good times.

“Sorry, but how else was I supposed to tell him I was kidding?” I asked with a grin, shying away from her blows.

“You could have said you were kidding! It’s literally that easy!”

“Oh yeah, would you look at that. Hey look, an owl!” I pointed at a bird I hadn’t noticed before. “When did you get an owl?”

Twilight barely spared it a glance. “That’s Owlowiscious. Have you seriously never seen him before?”

“Oddly enough, no, I haven’t.” I turned from Twilight to Owlo… Actually, fuck that long ass name. It’s Owl with a capital ‘O’ from here on. I turned from Twilight to Owl. “How’s it going, mate?”

Owl hooted and said, “Not bad. Found a couple of mice in a field earlier.”

“Sounds like a pretty good snack to me,” I commented.

Owl fluttered his wings. “It was. I try not to eat around Ponies too often, but Twilight gives me some non-alive stuff from time to time. It’s cool.”

“She’s pretty great, isn’t she? I’m rather fond of Twilight myself.”

“She is a good master. Is there something you wanted to ask me about?” Owl asked.

Twilight looked between us. “I forgot that you could talk to animals. What’s Owl saying?”

“We’re just chatting at the moment. He was saying how he likes that you give him food and that you’re a good master,” I relayed.

Twilight smiled. “Well thank you, Owl! I’ll be sure to give you plenty to eat.”

Owl fluttered his wings again. “Tell her that I don’t like peanuts.”

I turned to Twilight. “He says he doesn’t like peanuts.”

She blinked at me. “Well, that’s easy enough to fix. What does he like?”

“Nothing you’d be willing to get for him.” I said. Owl bobbed his head in agreement. I addressed him. “I don’t have any questions for you, but thanks for being pleasant.”

“No problem. Bring me a mouse sometime.” Owl requested.

“If I find another one of the Kendani in my garden, I’ll let you know. Actually, just come to my place whenever. You’ll catch them more easily than I can,” I said.

“I might do that. Is Lupa still gone on her quest?” Owl asked.

“Yeah,” I responded softly.

“I wish the both of you luck. It will not be an easy journey.”

“I know. She’ll make it through.” I assured him.

“What are you two talking about now?” Twilight asked.

“Lupa. I think the conversation is over now.” Owl nodded. “And so it is.”

“It’s so cool that you can talk to animals!” Twilight’s earlier frustrations were forgotten, apparently.

“If I was still close with the Naga, I’d ask if I could get enough Hizketan Baia for you to be able to talk to animals too. Sadly, I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “The Naga gave you the berries that killed you?”

“In their defence, no one knew that they were poisonous to me.” I said.

“Yes, but are you sure you want to be friends with ponies that got you killed? I mean, that’s pretty… Unwise, isn’t it?”

I gave her a deadpan look. “... Really?”

Twilight looked confused before she realized what I was talking about. “W-Wait, that’s different!”

“Yeah, Applejack was trying to hurt me. The Naga weren’t.” Twilight shut up until I rolled my eyes and gave her another kiss. I extended it for a little while to show that I wasn't mad at her and I only stopped because I heard Spike gag in the background. “Shut up, shorty. You’ll be this way eventually.” I called out.

“If I ever do, remind me of this moment!” Spike called back from halfway up the stairs.

“Sure will, ya little salamander,” I replied loud enough for him to hear.

Twilight was still lost in dreamland, so I didn’t bother snapping her out of it before going for another kiss. Seriously, the things were incredibly addictive. While we were kissing, I thought about a lot of Twilight related things that are either overly romantic or generally intimate, so I’ll skip those thoughts. When I pulled away again, Twilight had a mild blush on her face and embers in her eyes. I’d forgotten all about the arousing powers of kisses and the fact that she was still in estrus. If I didn’t want her to jump my bones, or rather, one in particular, I was going to have to slow my roll with the lip contact.

“Why’d you stop?” Twilight asked huskily.

“Because we need to breathe sometime, Cherry,” I chuckled.

She blinked a couple of times and the embers were gone. “Oh, right. What were we doing before the kiss?”

“Well, I was going to offer my home to you and Spike for the night,” I answered kindly.

Twilight bit her lip. “As much as I would love to, I don’t think it’s wise this week. The girls are planning a slumber party tomorrow night if you want to join us, though. We’re going to chaperone Spike, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle while they have their own slumber party.”

“So we’re not going to be doing anything terribly fun?” I asked.

“We’re going to have fun!” Twilight objected.

“No drinking, none of our usual games, and no hot tub for this one. I’m totally in, mind you, but it just doesn't sound like our usual thing.”

Twilight scrunched her nose up. “I didn’t think of it like that. Why does drinking matter to you anyway? You quit, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I quit, but I wanted to see if anyone could beat Applejack in Quickdraw during the next party.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re the only person who stood a chance besides Big Mac. Nopony wants to risk getting that drunk that fast unless they drink all the time, and the only reason Fluttershy played was because you pressured her into it.”

“I didn’t pressure anyone into anything! I just said that the people without a win on the pool table should have to play something else as punishment and Pinkie was the one who suggested a drinking game!”

“You didn’t have to suggest one of the most brutal games I’ve ever heard of!”

I laughed. “It’s not even that bad! I’m telling you, Maxwell and I used to go for three rounds at a time before we started getting hammered.”

Twilight shook her head. “Maybe it really is a good thing that you quit drinking. It sounds like you were quite the lush.”

“I was the lushest of them, Cherry. Wine was water to me for the longest.” I chuckled. “There were times when I spent my whole day, morning to night, drinking nothing but alcohol in some form.”

“That really doesn’t sound... Healthy…” Twilight answered slowly.

“Oh, it wasn’t. It was probably one of the worst things I could do to my body, but I was young and dumb. I’m still young and dumb, but at least I’m cute,“ I gave her a winsome grin.

Twilight patted my shoulder. “You are cute, but sometimes I think that might be the only thing you have going for you.”

“Oi, my lack of respect for authority has taken me quite far, thank you very much.” And my attempts to fuck them, I guess.

Twilight chuckled and gave me a peck on the cheek. “I know, and that surprises me.” She stopped and seemed to get lost in thought before sighing sadly.

“What’s on your mind, Cherry?” I asked.

Twilight gave me a weak smile. “I’m just thinking about Celestia.”

“Not Princess Celestia?”

“The Celestia I knew and loved was a lie, Max… She doesn’t feel like much of a Princess to me right now.”

“No, the Celestia you knew was the best side of her. She didn’t show you the bad stuff because she wanted you to love her, and I can’t really say that I find fault in that. I mean, I actually have lied to people so they’d like me, which isn’t really something to be proud of, but I can understand Celestia’s view.”

“It’s not just that she lied, Max, it’s that she’s hurt you so many times! Would you forgive her for hurting me?” Twilight asked.

“I still haven’t,” I admitted. “I’m not asking you to forgive her, just to see things from her side.”

Twilight bit her lip and thought for a minute or two. “... I guess I can try standing in her shoes if you put it like that… I still don’t approve of what she did to you.”

I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “And I love you a little more for that. When you’re ready, Celestia is willing to talk to you about some stuff. I told her that if I found out that she wiped your mind, I’d kill her, so don’t worry about returning with fewer memories”

“Aww, when I translate that into Twilight Talk, it sounds like you’re really protective of me!” Twilight gushed. She gave me a couple of pecks on the cheek as a reward.

“What do you mean ‘Twilight Talk’?” I asked.

She blushed. “Well, when you start talking about really dark stuff like killing ponies, I just think of it like you said something else, like that you were going to ‘hug’ Celestia instead of killing her. It’s nicer this way.”

I patted her head. “Who’s my innocent little lover? You are! Yes you are!”

Twilight giggled and swatted my hand away. “Stop it! I’m not that innocent!”

I gave her a good hug and chuckled. “You say that, but I know better.”

Twilight pushed me off of her and gave me one last kiss before hinting that I should get back to my own house. I didn’t want to leave and normally she wouldn’t have asked me to, but we’d agreed that we weren’t going to stay the night at each other’s places while I was male and she was in estrus. It was a sucky rule, but at least I’d be with her for three weeks out of four, so I couldn’t complain that much without sounding like some kind of whiny baby bitch boy. Alliterative insults always make me smile.

I didn’t really have anything to do when I went home, so I caught my journals up and visited with Noir again. She took me canoeing down some river that I’d never seen and we did that for a couple of hours, talking and taking the occasional break to eat lunch on a beach or shoal. We chatted about random stuff, but never broached anything terribly deep since we’d mutually agreed that we would talk about important stuff once per day, and that if I saw her multiple times, that we would save the other visits for ‘us time’. It was a nice way to wind down after a day, long or short, and I was glad that I had a semi-parasitic being of Dark Magic residing in the deepest depths of my soul.

To tell the truth, I’d already put a lot of thought in all the ways that Noir could fuck me over, but I also had to take into account that, for one, if she fucked up, she’d kill herself too, and two, she always seemed to have my best interests at heart, even if she did get a little snippy at times. Even then, it was usually when I was being a little too ‘extra’ or was generally just being an arse. Noir had rarely snapped at me for no reason and I couldn’t help but be more grateful for her presence in my soul than I’d ever felt violated by her simply being there. The more time I spent with Noir, the more I appreciated her and what she had come to be, especially since she let a little more slip about her past while we talked and just traded stories.

The night ended when I parted ways with Noir. Morning wasn’t my favourite time of day and I came to the waking world kind of salty, but that’s because I got up before dawn. I had the same problem I had last night concerning things to do, but at least I would have something later in the day. I slumped my way out of bed, kinda made it, picked out some clothes, and got my morning shit done because that’s how I do. After all that noise, I put seven eggs into an omelette and scarfed it down because I was fucking ravenous. I considered having a snack after that, but I didn’t want to test my metabolism more than I already had, so I settled for some cider and spent some time writing A Thousand Moments.

I actually finished the book the way I’d originally planned, which mildly surprised me. About halfway through, I’d given up and syncing up my ending, but somehow, it had gotten back on track. I blame the previous day’s visit with Twilight, seeing as how she seemed to be my muse. After sending a few notes to Twilight, I burned the transcript and sent it to her so she could make me two copies. She really was handy for writing and whatnot, and she was a great editor too. Twilight knew how to fix spelling and grammatical errors without changing the flow of the story too much, and she was pretty good about catching them, if Stove Pipe’s lack of complaints are anything to go by.

With one book done, I took a break from romance and decided to go with another Midnight Stroll book, if anything then for the purpose of giving Noir something else to read. I figured that I’d go with the time I was hired to steal a ruby man-ring from some pumped up frat boy, though I was going to dress it up better than that, of course. I started jotting down ideas since I didn’t really have a direction I wanted to go yet, but after a few minutes, I was bursting with possible permutations, so I grabbed one of my many blank books and got to writing. I had three chapters done by noon and had held off on my bathroom break for as long as possible so that I wouldn’t lose my inspiration by taking a break from being great. I returned to find that I still had some creative juices flowing, so I sat down and pumped out another chapter before someone knocked on my door.

It turned out to be Berry Blitz wearing a fetching dress and camisole combo, which I had to remind myself that she would be wearing the entire time. “Good afternoon, boss!”

Her cheer and general positivity weren’t lost on me, getting a smile in turn. “Afternoon, Berry. You seem like you’re in a good mood today.”

She blushed lightly. “Well, I might have found myself a nice stallion. He seems a little spacey, but he’s really sweet!” Huh, would it- Ponyville. No coincidences.

“Is he a taller, muscular fellow with a close-cropped haircut?” I asked, running a hand over my own chopped locks, not surprised at Ponyville logic.

Berry’s eyes widened. “Yeah! How’d you know?”

“I was talking to Duster the other day and now you show up with a boyfriend. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in Ponyville,” I voiced my thoughts drily since I’d been expecting it.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course there is, boss! Why, I’m sure that the two events had nothing to do with each other at all!” And someone missed the point.

“You’re right, Berry. Come on in whenever you’re ready, I was just faffing about.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you weren’t cleaning again? I know you remember what I said the last time I caught you cleaning.”

I rolled my eyes. “I remember, love. I was writing up until now, if that’s what you want to hear.”

“Oh, did you make much progress in your book?” She asked, ditching the other subject.

“Actually, I finally finished it. Things got slow for a little while, but Twilight really gave me a boost.” My mouth twitched as I remembered spending time with Twilight. What can I say? She’s usually on my mind.

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were dating her! How is she? Have the Elements gotten into any more trouble?”

“Twilight’s doing fine, and the girls haven’t done anything terribly stupid that I’m aware of. My fingers are crossed for them to flood the town or something when spring has sprung, though.”

Berry lightly swatted my arm. “Boss, that’s terrible! Even if you’re joking, you shouldn’t say stuff like that!”

I rolled my eyes and walked into my house. I wondered why every woman I knew hit me, but I just couldn’t find any reasonable explanation. I mean, I don’t go around hitting people and they rarely hit anyone else while I’m around, so I feel a little targeted. Estrogen is an evil thing. In any case, Berry came in, I fucked off and the day continued. She started from the top and worked her way down as she usually did, but when she reached the ground floor, she bitched at me for a solid six minutes about cleaning my own damn house. I understood that she got paid to do it, but when she only comes by every so often, what else am I supposed to do? Just let my house be dirty and live with it? I told her what I thought and that she could bugger off if she wanted me to live in a dirty house. Berry apologized for yelling at me and I told her that I just didn’t have much to do, and that cleaning was just a pastime for me. She still told me to stop cleaning, but she did so in a much nicer way.

Once Berry left, I still had plenty of time to wank or whatever before I was supposed to show up at Twilight’s for the sleepover thing, sho I headed into town and did shome shopping shince I had nothing elshe to do. Other than practice my impressions, starting with Connery. Yes, they were all completely awful and it was not a talent I harboured. I bought some more clothes because I felt like it and talked to a cobbler about having another special pair of boots made. And a normal pair since I just needed more footwear. I left the place with a grin on my face and a bounce to my step, but with that done, all I had to do was take my clothes back home and grab some snacks. I’d managed my time well enough to keep myself busy, so I was rather happy about that, but the way I had done so made me walk out of town only to come back again, so I was a little annoyed.

I got home, threw my bags of clothes on my bed and went back to town after packing some of my sleepwear. I figured that the rule for myself and Twilight was still in effect, so I took some clothes for Roxy and mosied on down to Twilight’s house for a shinhoedowndigapalooza. Or, rather, I was showing up for a super tame slumber party for teens that acted damn near five years younger than they were. I was only halfway to Twilight’s house when I reminded myself that I didn't have to go it sober, so I jogged back home and grabbed my smoking kit. I’d even gotten a little case for everything at the general store, though it was of poor quality. I made a mental note to head over and have Fancy take me to his little smoke shop to see if I could get a custom case or something. With any luck, the same woman who made my pipe and pocket watch would have made a case too.

There were a lot of things I would have rather done in all honesty, but I slipped the mask on and it was all good when I arrived at Twilight’s. I was late because I’d blown so much time walking back to my house, but it wasn’t like I had to be there on time. Rarity opened the door, welcoming me inside and I said hi to everyone when I walked in. Twilight wasted no time taking me up to her room so that she could change me into Roxy, which made me glad that I’d assumed that she was going to do it. She left and I changed into my sleeping clothes, but before heading downstairs, I took a look at myself in Twilight’s standing mirror. I wasn’t checking myself out for once. It was odd, but I felt a strange disconnect, like I wasn’t really in my own body. I moved and the person in the mirror moved right along with me, but that person just didn’t feel like me anymore. I shook my head to clear the thought from my head, reassuring myself that I am who I am, no matter what.

I grabbed my tits and doubted myself, my stomach flipping at the arousal I felt. There was a lot going on in my head and Noir was the cause of all of it. Finding myself attractive...

Shaking my head once more to banish evil thoughts, I went back downstairs and Spike got to me before anyone else could. The little Dragon took me into the kitchen, away from everyone else. “Dude, why did you turn into Roxy?”

“It’s the rule with me and Twilight for this week. We can’t stay over at each other’s places while I’m a guy.”

Spike groaned. “That’s so lame! I was hoping that there would be another guy, but now I’m stuck in a house stuffed to the top with girls!”

I cuffed his shoulder. “Keep your chin up, mate. I’m still the same Max, just with tits. It’s not going to be much different, so stop bemoaning your fate and suck it up.”

Spike rubbed his arm where I’d hit him. “Right. You’re right! It’s not like you’re actually a girl. I just need to keep my head up and make it through!”

“Exactly. If anyone tries to play dress up with you, I’ve got your back, so let’s get in there and slumber party, or some other verb.”

Spike gave me a look, but he still led the way into the library section. The girls cheered when the males returned to the party, but I didn’t learn why until they brought out a menagerie of clothes that seemed quite twink-like. Thankfully, they were all Spike’s size, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone trying to stick me in anything for the time being, but that did mean that I had to explain to all of the girls why I was so vehemently against degrading Spike’s dignity. I actually took Twilight aside and explained the full details of why it was dehumanizing to treat the poor guy like he was a doll, and she caved pretty quickly once I made an analogy likening their treatment of her little brother to that of a pet. Once I’d gotten that point across to Twilight, she shut shit down and there were no further arguments.

Sweetie Belle offered to try on the outfits in Spike’s stead since he was so obviously against it, but Rarity chided her, telling her that wearing boys clothes was not happening in her presence, so I suggested that we change Sweetie Belle into a dude. Rarity wasn’t having any of that, so I asked her why she was so willing to let me change back and forth between sexes, but not her sister. Rarity couldn’t give me an answer, so I pressed the subject until she started babbling apologies. Twilight hit me for being a prick and Rarity hit me for purposefully flustering her, even though she should have known what I was doing when I started asking her what her problem was. Rainbow, Applejack, and Fluttershy all backed me up, saying that everyone should know my usual bullshit by now and I had a fucking point in the first place. However, Rarity and Twilight were against letting me off the hook since I should have known better than to open my mouth. I argued that everyone knew that I wasn’t mad unless I was yelling and I hadn’t lied or insulted anyone, and Pinkie started arguing because everyone else was.

Eventually, I got things calmed down by admitting fault and apologizing to Rarity for her not being able to take a goddamn joke or admit she was wrong. That landed me in the doghouse with Twilight, but at least the kids were laughing. I was a little surprised to see that Scootaloo was actually there, but kept my words to myself, just in case I wasn’t supposed to point it out for whatever reason. Pinkie brought out some kid friendly games that we played for a while and Rarity had some wine that she wanted the girls to try, so they did that.

All in all, the night was incredibly boring and I offered to host another slumber party sometime next week at my house when the kids went to sleep, though Rarity raised a fuss about never getting to host anything. I offered to let her do it, but she balked and said that my house was just so much more spacious and accommodating that it only made sense for me to have the party. I threw a pillow at her for being unnecessarily difficult and Applejack put her in a headlock for the same reason, though Twilight pulled her off before she could mess up Rarity’s hair. I asked Twilight why her nose was so far up Rarity’s arse for the night and dug the hole deeper, but I wasn’t really in the mood to give a shit. I’m tired of being hit for just saying shit.

I didn’t bother going to sleep since I was used to staying up for days on end, though the rest of the girls save for Twilight and Applejack went to sleep around three or so in the morning. The three of us talked among ourselves for a few more hours until Applejack eventually tuckered herself out by sipping on the flask she had brought with her. Well, she actually brought three, but she was down to her last one by the time she passed out, which left Twilight and I to our own devices. I would have loved to make out with her a little bit, but it was dangerous territory at the moment and I didn’t want to set something off, just in case we woke anyone up. We had to settle for some mild cuddling that I wasn’t really into for obvious reasons. At least, they were obvious to me. I was quickly realizing that I got hit by every female I knew and I really wasn’t fond, so I decided to start flicking people back.

In any case, cuddling was made a little more interesting since Twilight wanted to be the big spoon for once, so I allowed her to get behind me. It was odd. I hadn’t been the little spoon to someone my size, and I wasn’t too sure about how I felt regarding the position until Twilight wrapped her arms around me and buried her face into the nape of my neck. It was a new experience that I didn’t hate. I felt safe in her arms and was comforted by the soft warmth of her breath on my skin, though it drove me crazy in my lady parts. I was willing to bet that it was the reason that Twilight wanted to be the big spoon, and I really couldn’t blame her since she was in estrus. I decided to keep my revelation to myself and just enjoy the moment since it was something I’d never done with Twilight.

We dozed off from time to time in ten or twenty minute intervals, though we usually came to consciousness within seconds of each other. After four or five cycles of that, my body decided that I’d had enough sleep, so I got up and started making breakfast while Twilight continued dozing off and on. Spike came into the kitchen a few minutes after I got started and helped me out with the preparation, making the time pass a little faster. The Cutie Mark Crusaders woke up around nine or so which meant that we had breakfast hot and ready for them when they came into the kitchen. The girls were dead to rights until after eleven, though Twilight and Applejack slept in until one in the afternoon. Once those two got their arses into gear, everyone started dispersing to go do whatever it was that they were planning on doing. I had Twilight change me back into me so I could take a piss standing up. Seriously, it’s very liberating to urinate while not sitting, and I now see why the She-Wee was invented back on Earth.

God bless the sausage.

I went home and filled some time by visiting with Noir since I didn’t do so during the night, but we didn’t talk about anything terribly important besides the mild detachment I felt when Twilight turned me into Roxy. Noir explained it as me feeling the need to distance myself from my supposed ‘crutch’, though she maintained that I was nearly fine, and that my knowledge of the ‘problem’ was already helping to fix it. I wasn’t too sure about how I felt concerning Roxy at the moment, but I do know that I didn’t plan on turning into her again this week, so I kept that in the back of my mind… Hell, the phrasing of that worries me… I don’t really know if a multi-millennia-old woman is the best judge of mental acuity, but I feel fine.

Noir let me go when night fell in Ponyville so I wrote down the day’s events in my journal and made some cider from apples that I had on hand. I tried stewing the juice out of them, and that worked well enough, though that did mean that I had to handle a decent amount of incredibly hot apples that looked a bit like Granny Smith. These pages are different; I don’t have the guts to say that to any of the Apple family. I liked them too much to insult their incredibly pleasant, rather quirky matriarch. I also like my fucking teeth where they lie, thank you very much.

Once I made the cider, I tried a couple mugs and ended up pouring it down the sink. It was straight up terrible like nothing else I’d ever tasted, making me sure that my poison could serve someone in the sewer better than myself at the moment. While I was thinking of it, I wondered how Equestrian plumbing worked. I’d never asked myself before, but I’ve never seen a water tower or a water treatment facility of any kind around Ponyville or Canterlot. Once I had that little though niggling in my mind, I made it a point to physically write down a note so that I would remember to ask Mary about it tomorrow. A part of me wanted to more than just ask her a couple of questions, but it felt unfair for me to go around having sex while Twilight was abstaining with difficulty, so I felt like it was my duty as her boyfriend to metaphorically (and sometimes physically) stand beside her in an act of solidarity.

I went to sleep warring with myself over what I should do about Twilight. On one hand, I wanted her, but on the other, I wanted our first time to be something special and memorable, not some estrus-fueled fuck. I wanted to make love to Twilight, but it was so hard to keep denying her when she was coming after me. Usually, it’s not so bad since I can’t always see the lust in Twilight’s eyes after a particularly perfect kiss, but during estrus, we both knew that we wanted a piece of each other and the only thing holding us back was an agreement that seemed awfully silly in heated moments. My second brain thought that I was being ridiculous, just for the record, but Noir applauded me for waiting on Twilight to be ready, so I took her praise as motivation to continue keeping the ol’ chap in my pants.

Waking up without coffee in a cup is a bitch, so instead of catching a shower and getting my day started properly, I made some Pitch Black Death and sat on my porch to watch the sunrise. It took two cups of coffee and three cups of tea for the Sun to get its lazy arse over the horizon, but it was a sight well worth the wait and multiple bathroom breaks afterwards. Caffeine is brutal in the mornings, but it’s also the sweetest mistress at times. I wondered about what I could spend my day doing, but nothing really came to mind until I remembered the Naga. It would be a worthy venture to go and see them again, so I decided to do that. I started packing up my satchel full of food and water for a couple of days and strapped my knives onto my person as I always do when I’m preparing to take my day by the short and curlies. After writing Twilight a quick note explaining that I was going to go into the Everfree from the Whitetail woods near my house, she sent me back a reply that told me not to leave my house until she got there. I abided by her request because there wasn’t really a reason for me to not. That, and disrespecting Twilight by ignoring said request wouldn’t have sat with me very well anyway.

Twilight arrived quickly enough, but much to my surprise, she was dressed in jeans, hiking boots, and a dark long sleeved shirt. Twilight looked like she was ready to go into the forest with me, so I took her into my kitchen and had a cup of coffee with her. “Twilight, why do you look like you’re trying to come along like the Everfree isn’t dangerous?” I asked informally.

“Because I intend to go into the Everfree with you.” Twilight sipped her coffee. “Is there a problem?”

“Yes, yes there is. I’m not taking my heart into that murder forest,” I answered calmly.

“It’s literally inside of you. You take it everywhere you go.”

“No, It’s with you. I gave my heart to you when you told me that you wouldn’t betray me, and from then on, I swore I would protect you from whatever comes at you, emotionally or physically. Taking you into a fuck-mothering murder forest doesn’t sound like I’m doing my job.”

Twilight gave me a disarming smile. “Where you go, I go. I’m not going to let you got into the ‘fuck-mothering murder forest’ by yourself and frankly, the only way you’re stopping me is by not going in the first place.”

“Damn headstrong women and their bullshit.” I muttered under my breath. Twilight raised a brow and I decided to try again and abuse my cheat codes. “Look at this logically, Twilight. I’m a trained Operative who’s had to survive in the Everfree for an entire month by myself with limited resources. I had to hunt and kill most of my food. I’m dangerous sometimes. You’re a sweet, compassionate woman who hasn’t killed anything in her entire life, has probably never been in a life or death fight, and is generally scared of the place. You’re not dangerous. Not on purpose”

Twilight wore a little smile that annoyed the shit out of me. “I might not be dangerous like you, but I have my own tricks, Max. Keep in mind that I’ve subdued more magical beasts than you ever have, banished Nightmare Moon, and survived the town when it became a free for all after that Want-It-Need-It spell. I’m not some fragile flower, Amour, and it’s about time you start realizing that.” It was tempting to just up and not go to keep her safe, but I saw Twilight’s side of the argument, and it was somewhat solid, much to my chagrin. I was about to speak when she added, “Besides, what better way is there to protect me than to be with me? If you go into the Everfree and something happens while I’m in town, what would you do?”

“... Okay. Just… Don’t wander off, and wait here for a moment. I’ve got to grab something before we leave,” I sighed, getting up to go and get shite. Twilight gave me a worried look as I went upstairs and grabbed my old dirk. I’d left it in my room since I’d been planning on taking Nacht with me, but if Twilight was going to come with me, I was going to need it. I came back downstairs and took Nacht off of my belt and put my dirk on it. Twilight watched on with mild curiosity before I handed her the longer blade. “If you’re coming with me, you’re bringing a weapon.”

Twilight looked at it, her shoulders hunched as she frowned. “A-Are you sure? I mean, I have magic, and that works well enough.”

“You’re bringing something. It doesn’t have to be Nacht, but it has to be something sharp.”

“Again, are you sure? Can’t we just bring our wit and leave it at that?” She laughed nervously.

My face didn’t move and I traded my dirk for Nacht and held the smaller blade out to her. “If our wit was enough, I’d happily leave it at that.”

Twilight took the dirk from me gingerly and unsheathed it. She obviously didn’t like the thought of using it against another living creature, but she could deal with it. I was going to give her every advantage I could before we went in there. I knew that I was being overly protective since I could kill most things with my telekinesis in a single hit, but having solid weapons never hurt anyone’s expedition, and I wasn’t about to head into the forest without having steel on me. Granted, I had no idea what the Hell Nacht was made of since the blade was as black as the night sky, but it was sharp and useful, so I wasn’t bitching.

Twilight reluctantly put the dirk in her pocket and we wasted no more time faffing about in my house. I warned Twilight that I would wreck the shit of anything that came too close to her, and she reminded me that she could take care of herself, seeing as how she was one of the most powerful Unicorns this side of Canterlot. I told her that a real fight never goes exactly how you plan it, no matter what. She shut up since she’d never actually been in a real fight that wasn’t mostly magical.

We entered the Everfree through the Whitetail woods and I spotted the old trail markers that the Naga had laid out for me rather easily. Twilight lost some of her nerve when we went into the forest itself, so I took her hand and held it firmly as we traversed through brush and branches. I kept the conversation low and down to important details, though Twilight’s voice seemed to carry through the forest. It actually attracted some attention in the way of Kobolds, and I spotted them from about twenty or so meters away. I froze in place and stared them down as they approached us, drawing the Warbling Blade and pumping my Dark Magic into it. I chose the Kukri form so we wouldn’t be bothered any further and tried to make it so that it wouldn’t affect Twilight, but she never even seemed to notice the magic beyond recognizing it as Dark Magic. She asked what I was doing and I told her that I had to exterminate the lizard things, and she argued vehemently against them until I reminded her that they were rapists and ate Ponies. Once they were about ten meters away, I started killing them one by one with the spear tip of my tentacle. There were only five of them, so I didn’t have to do much. I was glad that Twilight listened to me when I asked her to cover her eyes.

After that little interruption, we met a Manticore in the middle of the trail about thirty minutes later. It stalked toward us and Twilight stepped forward to intercept it, but I was loath to allow her to put herself in front of me. I wrapped my tentacle around her waist so that it wasn’t touching her, just in case the manticore got too close, but Twilight put it to sleep before it could make any real advances toward us. She turned around and gave me a triumphant smile before an Orthus came crashing through the brush to eat the Manticore. Twilight took a minute to be ill and I disposed of the corpses I’d made so that Twilight wouldn’t see them. In my defence, if that Orthus didn’t want to die, it shouldn’t have made my girlfriend get sick all over her shoes.

We came to a stream and Twilight washed her mouth out before washing her shoes off. I squatted next to her on the stream’s bank and asked, “Are you okay, cherry? I know watching something get eaten can be a bit of a head trip if you’re not a predator species.”

Twilight shook her head. “I… I got that Manticore killed, Amour... I got that poor creature eaten because I put it to sleep!” Tears fell from her eyes as she turned to look at me. “... I-I didn’t-”

“Twilight, don’t feel bad. That Manticore would have either killed us or died by my hand anyway. In the forest, it’s them or us, and you better be picking ‘us’ to live as often as possible.” She let me wipe her cheeks and give her a kiss on the base of her horn. “Things die here, my love. Things die here every day, every hour, every minute, and there’s nothing we can do to change the very nature of the Everfree, so don’t let yourself feel bad for this place being fucked up beyond all recognition.”

She grabbed my hand and held it to her mouth. “I-I… I wasn’t expecting the Everfree to be this way. I knew it was dangerous, but seeing it is… Different. It’s so different.”

I wrapped an arm around her, but still kept an ear out for any suspicious noises. “It really it, Cherry. If you want, we can go home now. I’ll visit the Naga-”

“No. No, I wanted to come and I’m not going to stop you from doing what you came here to do.” Twilight cleared her eyes one last time and stood up.

I gave her the warmest smile I could manage and kissed her cheek. “That’s my woman. Tough as nails and cuter than a button.”

Twilight chuckled and gave me a wan smile. “I don’t think I wanna come here again, but thank you.”

We started crossing the stream after I patted her back. “You don’t have to. I only plan on coming back to see the Naga from time to time and to hunt.”

Twilight flinched. “I forgot that you eat meat sometimes. Are you sure you can’t just… I don’t know, live without it?”

“I can, but I don’t really want to. If I don’t eat meat, I have to eat eggs and beans to get my protein and that just smells awful.”

Twilight giggled. “Leave it to you to justify eating something by claiming that you have bad gas.”

“Just because I don’t let it go around you doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I’ve had to open a window in the dead of winter just because the smell got so bad.” I replied truthfully, shivering. There was a reason I had so many damn candles

She laughed again and wiped a tear from her eye. “Fine. If you’re doing it to protect my nose, I guess I can understand.” Twilight followed close behind me.

“If you notice that my ‘special sauce’ tastes different, just tell me and I’ll eat less of it.” I chuckled.

“Special sauc- Oh. Oh.” Twilight blushed. “W-Well, it tastes… Fine, as it is”

“I’ll be sure to give you a sample in a few days,” I said playfully.

Twilight just shook her head and we sallied forth. I was glad that I’d been able to help her manage the whole ‘getting something killed’ thing, but I did worry about how she would react if she ever actually had to kill something. I knew that it was still on her mind and that it would most likely stay there for the remainder of her life, but I could help soften the blow by being with her, and I hoped that the Naga could give her the same wisdom I’d given her, but perhaps through another lens so that she got the idea that the Everfree isn’t a nice fucking place. I was sure that she knew that now, but I needed her to understand that fact the same way I did.

Thankfully, we didn’t have much further to walk after the stream because we came into the Naga’s territory. We knew it was their territory because they were holding swords in our faces until they realized who I was. They didn’t know Twilight, so she still had some swords pointed at her, but once I explained that she was my soulmate they backed off a little. Steel was still drawn, however, so I felt like we might be in a bit of trouble. The guard fellows took us into the middle of the encampment where I saw a familiar face, though I couldn’t place the name.

Twilight was touching me by the time the Naga came up to us. “Hail! If it isn’t our small friend, the Human!”

“If it isn’t my dangerous friends, the Naga! How have you fellows been while I’ve been gone?” I asked.

“Things have been well up until recently, but we will speak more of this later. You have brought a stranger into our land.” The Naga said irritably.

“This ‘stranger’ is my lover and soulmate. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she wishes to learn about your history.” I said.

The Naga raised a scaly brow. “You did not find something of your own race to settle with? Wait, forgive my rudeness. I forgot that you are a unique beast in this world.”

I shrugged. “No problem. Would you mind answering some of her questions at all? I know you guys like to trade stories, and I have a few more to tell you now.”

“Never let it be said that Buruzagi passes an opportunity to trade tales with the most unique creature the Naga have ever seen!” She laughed heartily. “I welcome you to join us in the longhouse, though my husband will most likely want to know why it has been so long since you have returned.” Well, at least she told me her name.

Twilight clutched at my hand as we followed Buruzagi into the longhouse, which was every bit as smoky and hot as I remembered. I shed my jacket once we entered, but Twilight had to suffer through the heat, so I tried fanning her with my telekinesis, despite it not actually having a physical presence beyond hitting things. Soon enough, the fellow I remembered as the chief came from the dark half of the longhouse and greeted me with a bone crushing hug.

“Max! You have returned to the Gose Baso once more! We heard from the Gathering that you were present for it, but no one explained to us why you were there!” The Chieftain boomed cheerfully.

“I actually got lost in the Everfree trying to find you guys again. I was on the path when I got chased down by an Orthus and got stuck deep in the forest. I was here for a month, but I never saw any of you guys roaming about, though I might have just been too far away.”

“We were told that you had taken up residence in the old Pony castle.” The Chieftain said more quietly. “That place is off limits to Naga, otherwise we would have come for you.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Thank you for that. It’s nice to know that Max has such good friends in the forest.”

The Chieftain drew his hand back to slap her for no real reason and I grabbed his hand with my tentacle. “I beg your pardon mate, but were you about to smack my woman?”

“Naga women learn early to not speak out of turn. It is not the same with Ponies?” He asked.

“It’s not the same at all. Unless you’re giving her a friendly pat on the back, I suggest that you keep your claws off of my Twilight,” I warned.

The Chieftain tried to move his hand. “Magic is cheating in a fight.”

“Hitting my soulmate is a death sentence.” I let him go. Twilight squeezed my hand to show some appreciation.

“Noted. Be sure to let her know that Naga will not tolerate disrespect.” He said.

I glanced at Twilight. “You see those things on her head? She has ears, mate, she can hear you. Don’t insult her intelligence. In fact, how does Buruzagi have so much autonomy if you treat your women like second class citizens?”

“She is the first among the women of the tribe, and as my wife, she is above all but the eldest of warriors. Buruzagi may be more of a free spirit that most, but she still obeys me.”

Twilight looked like she wanted to say something, so I said, “That’s pretty awful, coming from my perspective. In my world, women were equals in most places, though there are some people who say otherwise. At least, in the first world places, women were equal. Once you got to the more remote places and the Middle East, women kinda got screwed.”

“Interesting. Buruzagi, we shall listen to Max’s tales.” The Chieftain stated. Buruzagi nodded and they came up to us and sat on their coiled tails.

I launched into a lecture about the difference in treatment that men and women received in different parts of the world, dropping hints along the way to tell the Naga that they need to chill the fuck out with their misogyny. Sadly, they were entrenched in their traditions, and Buruzagi felt no compulsion to treat her fellow women any differently than they always had, so my words were lost on them. Twilight even chipped in here and there after raising her hand to let me know that she wanted to say something, but that pissed me off something fierce. I wanted to beat the ever-loving fuck out of the Naga for making my favourite woman act like she wasn’t my equal, but I kept my rage in check since I wouldn’t be bringing her back any time soon. If I had known that they would treat Twilight like she was my fucking pet or something, I wouldn’t have come in the first place.

My fury abated once Twilight took me outside and told me that she didn’t mind that much. She likened the experience to being in school with a multitude of really strict teachers, and I disagreed heartily, stating that I would never treat her like the Naga treat their women. She still calmed me down enough so that I wasn’t looking for a reason to fuck things up, but that didn’t mean that I was happy with the Naga. In all honesty, Twilight was taking it better than I was since I wanted to leave already, but she is as she does, I guess. Never tell Twilight Sparkle that she’s going to miss out on an opportunity to learn.

When we came back inside, I told them about the Hizketan Baia and the fact that it had actually killed me until I was brought back to life by Twilight herself and her teacher. Buruzagi praised Twilight for being by my side when I needed her most and the Chieftain said that Buruzagi could learn a thing or two from her. The female Naga was understandably put off by this news, so I mentioned a battle that she had told me about where she and her husband had fought side by side. I manipulated the Chieftain into giving her compliments before the Elder fellow that I’d met last time showed up, and he gave me a knowing look when he heard the Chieftain applauding his wife’s prowess in combat.

I wasn’t sure how he knew, but I was pretty sure that he’d put two and two together and figured out that I’d gotten the Chieftain to actually say something nice about the woman he was supposed to love. I traded a few more tales with the Naga and they eventually asked if I could speak to animals, despite dying from the potion. I told them that I could and they offered to give Twilight some of the berries so she could also talk to animals, but she declined them. Buruzagi looked like she was ready to fight when Twilight said no, so I made up some bullshit about it being an old custom for Ponies to refuse a gift once to show modesty and humbleness.

Twilight ended up getting a jar of berries for her troubles and the Naga were interested in the knife that I had given her, asking if she would be willing to trade it. After raising her hand unnecessarily, Twilight told the Naga that she couldn’t trade a gift from me and I asked if they would be interested in seeing a unique blade that I had earned through service to Equestria. They were definitely interested, so I unsheathed Nacht and passed it to the Chieftain first since he was the highest ranking person in the room, and when he inspected it, he informed me that it was actually crafted from Naga steel, though there was some form of magic on it that he couldn’t identify. They passed it around and tested its sharpness on some fish that had been caught earlier in the day, and once they passed Nacht back to me, I handed it to Twilight and asked if she could identify the enchantment on the blade. For some odd reason, she said that the blade wouldn’t allow her to cast any spells on it, stating that it drank her magic.

That made me happy.

I didn’t explain why I was smiling like an idiot, though I was asked multiple times. I just told them that Nacht must be special if Twilight’s magic wouldn’t work on it, and left it at that. Night had fallen by this time, so Twilight and I prepared to take our leave, but the Naga had something to ask of me. They requested that I send Lupa back their way should she ever return to me and I promised that I would, though I didn’t know how long she would be gone. Once we exited the longhouse, Twilight and I were taken by a coughing fit where we both spat up black gunk. I assured Twilight that we hadn't been poisoned and the Naga gave us an escort back to the ‘Lasaia Baso’, or rather, the Whitetail Woods. Twilight was grateful that we had two strong warriors to protect us, but then I reminded her that I was enough to protect us, and that I just didn’t want to get lost on our way back home. She was still comforted by our bolstered numbers, though I blamed that on her herd animal ancestry.

The trip back to my house was pretty long, though it was nice and quiet on the danger front. We kept a good pace the entire way there, though the Naga and I slowed down because Twilight wasn’t used to moving around in the forest like we were. It’s not like I blamed her for being slow. Hooves rarely benefit anything in an actual jungle, and the Naga didn’t have to worry about twisting an ankle on roots in the dark. That being said, my night vision took a while to fade in, so the return trip sucked a little harder than getting there. Once we were back in familiar territory, our escorts bid us farewell and I led Twilight back through the Whitetail Woods into my yard. I took her inside for a quick word.

“Twilight, you know I respect you more than the Chief respects his wife, right?” I asked.

“A lot more, from what I can tell.” She chuckled a little and put a hand on my arm. “Really, Max, it’s not that big a deal.”

“Still, regardless of how much I wanted to see them, I wouldn’t have if I’d known they were going to treat you like that.”

She patted my shoulder. “I know, you said that already. It’s okay, Max, it’s not like you knew that they didn’t treat everypony as equals.”

“I should have. I think the only reason they didn’t freak out about you being there was because you were a woman,” I muttered bitterly.

“Then isn’t that a good thing? Stop looking at the bad things and focus on the good: Your scaly friends like you, and they’re willing to make me one of their friends because of you. I may not have gotten to ask all the questions that I would have liked to, but at least I learned a fair bit about them.”

I grabbed her hands and kissed her knuckles. “I guess you’re right. Still, it bothers me to see someone treat you as less than a person. You don’t deserve that.”

She squeezed my hands. “Nopony does, but if that’s how their society works, then so be it. Just be happy that we’re home, safe and sound.”

I gave her a kiss that tasted like smoke. “I guess I can allow you to be right this one time.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a hug. “Whatever you say, Amour. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure thing, cherry. Are you coming over, or do you want me to come by the library?”

“Either one is fine by me, though I was thinking…” She trailed off with a light blush.

“You were thinking…?” I asked.

“Well, I was just thinking that it would be nice to be in the hot tub, just the two of us.” She touched the tips of her fingers together.

I raised a brow. “With the secret jets on?”

She blushed harder. “W-Well…”

“It’s a date then. We can do it now or…?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’ll see you when my day’s made.” I gave her a peck on the cheek, but she wanted a real goodbye kiss, so I gave her one.

She pulled away and hugged me. “Thank you for taking me along, even if it was pretty much all bad.”

“Thank you for coming along, even if it was pretty much all dangerous.”

We had a giggle about that with Twilight leaving shortly after. I sat down and wrote some more of Midnight Stroll and the Robbed Ruby Ring before grabbing a snack. It was decent progress and all, but I felt restless and didn’t end up writing all that long. I wandered around my house for a little bit and looked for things that looked like they needed to be cleaned, but nothing struck me as terribly dirty, so I meditated because life is boring when I don’t need to do something. I may have forgotten that Berry had been by not long ago, but still. Noir met me in my usual hangout, though she was playing one of the Dark Souls series now. I’d beaten the Hell out of the game after Gittin’ Gud, but Noir had obviously not taken after my former skill with the franchise. Just as I was about to tell her to roll out of the way to avoid getting wrecked, she got fucking dicked down by like, six mobs that came out of nowhere. Noir sent the controller straight through the telly like she was a strong toddler throwing one hell of a temper tantrum and let loose some things that I assumed were swears in a language I was unfamiliar with.

Noir whipped around to face me and jammed a finger in my face. “I swear to your God that I will break every bone in your body if you say that!”

I grinned evilly. “You just need to calm down, love. It’s just a game.”

“It’s an unfair, nonsensical, asinine, ludicrous game!”

“Maybe you just need to-”

“Kaid Gadai, I will hurt you,” Noir threatened

I leaned in and whispered into her ear. “Git Gud, Skrub.”

“Parry this you fuckin’ casual.” Noir sent a punch into my stomach that drove the air from my lungs.

I was in immense pain, but I was shaking so hard from laughing without being able to breath that I didn’t care that much. The pain from Noir’s tough love just made the fact that she was so bad even funnier to me, which made me laugh harder, making my stomach hurt more, and that made me laugh even harder. It was a terrible cycle up until I could breathe again, but even then I was still working out the odd chuckle. It was a decent time since Noir honestly could’ve hit me harder and she’d been funny when she did it, but her lack of skill with Dark Souls was honestly kind of refreshing.

Noir paced around the room, punching other things until she calmed down and I chuckled some more at her rage. “How many times have you died in Dark Souls, Blackberry?” I asked weakly.

“Since I began playing, two hundred and ten.” Noir huffed. She fixed the room with a wave of her hand knelt by me. “I am sorry that I abused you, but I warned you against saying that.

I patted her shoulder. “Oh, I deserved that, no doubt. I’ve never seen you so mad, though.”

“Two hundred and ten, Max,” She reiterated.

“Fair enough. Maybe reviewing some of my mad skills might make you better?”

“I have. Your techniques make no sense to me.”

I shrugged and she offered me a hand up. “That’s what happens when you suddenly stop sucking. Things just make sense all of a sudden. Maybe you should try running past things you’re trying to take head on.”

“That would be fine if I were a coward.” Noir huffed. “I play the game as I did in life.”

“Except you don’t have a damn near bottomless pit of Dark Magic that can be cast in a flash rather than the handful of seconds it takes in Dark Souls. You can’t play the game like you would if you were living it because the game doesn’t have anything analogous to you.”

Noir turned to face the T.V. “... I did not think of that. I just searched through your memories and thought that Dark Souls seemed like a warrior’s game.”

“I wouldn’t say that. It’s more of a game for masochists. Speaking of warriors, how much do you know about the Naga?” I asked.

“They used to rule the area your Americans would have called Florida in my time. They spent much of their time in the Southern parts of Equestria, though when Celestia and Luna took over, they nearly annihilated them. Now there are semi-nomadic bands of Naga roaming around the country, if Luna’s information is correct.” Noir conjured a drink and sipped it.

“... So Celestia and Luna basically wiped out the native population?”

“You know they have done terrible things. You may be surprised to learn that Celestia and Luna personally took out many of the Naga.”

“Yeah, let’s stop there before I start rethinking my friendship with the genocidal twats.”

“We could ‘bugger off’ this topic at any time.”

“That’s not how you use that and you know it,” I replied accusingly.

“Whatever you say, mate,” Noir mocked, mimicking my accent.

“It’s really weird to know that you can do that so well. I’d ask you to talk like that all the time, but I think you’d get bored quickly.”

“We could try it for tonight if you like.” She offered, continuing on with the ruse.

“If you’re okay with it, then I’d really appreciate it. I’ve been meaning to get a trip to Bridleland put together, but you know how it is.”

“Speaking your native dialect is a comfort I do not mind affording you. I think it is amusing to hear myself speak in such a way, though I do wonder if I could try other accents from your world.”

And so we tried imitating as many accents as we could. I had decent Russian, Scottish, and Aussie accents, but Noir’s ability to mimic them perfectly was magnificent all on its own. I asked her pointless questions just to hear what accent she would pull off next, though the blatantly racist ones were my favourites. She’d even managed to mock DMX in such a way that was so true to form I died laughing, especially when she called me a bitch and told me to get her some drank. That was racist as Hell, but we both got a chuckle out of it. Of course, we acknowledged that stereotypes are wrong, but when you’re on a different planet from anyone you might offend, does it really fucking matter? The Apu bit she did was equally funny, but I couldn’t help but think back to the Indian guy who’d been arrested with me back before I got sent to Equestria. We may or may not have had curry after that so I could show her what it was, though you can’t prove shite and it would’ve been good curry if there was any at all.

I spent a few hours with Noir in my mindscape and took her to an amusement park I went to as a young man, Brean. I’d always wanted to go with my parents, but I’d had to settle years later with Maxwell, but we still had a ton of fun. Noir was terrified of roller coasters, which was absolutely hilarious since she could fly. I didn’t point that out to her and just kept my thoughts to myself, or at least, as to myself as I can get with Noir. She did tell me to go to sleep after I tried to get her to ride the biggest roller coaster in the park, so I closed my eyes and opened them back in my house. Once I had returned to my reality, I jotted down some stuff in my journals and took my happy arse to bed.

Briar Rose woke me up when she came over to tend to my garden, but she had only done so to tell me that she had successfully crossbred two different species of marijuana with one of my plants and wanted me to help fund her little experiments. I agreed and gave her a thousand bits to get started since I trusted her, though Briar told me that she would only need five hundred to get everything done. She told me that she’d hide the excess money somewhere that I would find it and I told her to get the fuck out of my room before I threw something sharp at her.

I eventually dragged my arse out of bed, but I was a little late since the Sun was already up. After a shower and some skilful shaving, I went out and talked to Briar some more since I wasn’t half asleep and was considerably less pissed about being woken up, though all we talked about was the progress that my plants were making. Briar told me that she was going to use the money to expand the greenhouse over the course of the next few days and she mentioned that she was going to have a little workshop made on the premises so she could do her work with real equipment, I agreed on the condition that she not blow anything up, though my completely rational worries were tossed to the side the moment they left my mouth.

Briar left around ten after making sure everything was growing as it should be and I went to my shed to check how much raw material I had already processed. I had a little less than a quarter of the plant left, so I went back to the greenhouse and cut down the oldest plant so it could take its sister’s place on my shed’s door. With what I had still hanging, I picked the buds off and brought them inside to process them. I still had plenty of finely chopped material stuffed in multiple boxes, so I laid the buds out on my back porch since I didn’t need them at the moment. I wondered if I should just give one to Twilight and decided to do so, which was the perfect excuse to go see her. I didn’t really need one, but it was nice to give her something I knew that she was going to like.

I left my house with a bounce to my step and swung by Fluttershy’s place for a brief visit. I apologized for not showing up early enough to help her with her animals, but she didn’t really care about why I was there. Fluttershy was pretty eager to get her hands on me, but I reminded her that we would have to tell Twilight beforehand and that it wasn’t fair for me to go around doing sex to the ladies if Twilight was keeping her legs closed. I did give Fluttershy something to remember me by with my cunning, lingual acrobatics, though she wasn’t quite satisfied. She had to deal with what I gave her, however, since I wasn’t willing to give up the penis. I left Fluttershy’s with the taste of cake in my mouth and a sexually frustrated nympho in my wake, but that wasn’t going to stop me from having a good day.

It had annoyed me that Fluttershy had made such a clear advance the first time she saw me when I’d really just wanted a social visit, but I understood her actions to a point. We all have needs and desires, but Fluttershy... I made a mental note to warn Twilight that Flutters was on the prowl, hunting for some wild Max. There was no reason to make anymore pit stops on the way to Twilight’s, just in case someone else was going to try to jump my bones, though I expected it from Twilight at some point. I mean, life was boring other than potentially dying and getting laid, but if it was her, it didn’t really count. With that in mind, I let myself in and caught the purple duo during a late breakfast. Thankfully I caught them at the tail end of it so I didn’t have to wait through a terribly awkward silence. Once they finished up, I gave Twilight her present.

She unwrapped it from the bundle I’d given her. “Max… Is this your equivalent of giving me a bottle of wine?”

I blinked. “Yeah. Sure, totally.”

“You sound really confident about your answer,” Twilight tittered, smiling at me.

“That’s because you took the words right out of my mouth. It kind of rocked me a little.” I covered smoothly.

She wasn’t buying it. “Right. Did you just want to give me something or did you need an excuse to come over?”

“Yes, actually.”

She rolled her eyes before giving me a peck. “You’re sweet, but you know you can just come over, right? And my love only costs respect~”

“Of course I know that, but it’s traditional to have some sort of pretence. Gifts and shows of affection are common indicators of interest in another person,” I stated.

Twilight looked at me funny. “Sometimes I forget that you’re actually smart, not just witty.”

“I’d be offended, but I do some ridiculously retarded shit from time to time, so I can understand where you’re coming from.” Something struck me suddenly. “Wait, why did I come to your house if you’re supposed to come to my house later?”

“Because you lo~ove me,” Twilight chimed sweetly.

Spike gagged from the other room. I’d feel worse for him, but he’s the one who stays within earshot. “That’s true. I guess I’ll just bother you until you want to come over.” I shrugged

She shrugged. “You’re never a bother to me, even when you’re wearing on my nerves.,” She dropped her volume to say, “I do need to talk to you about something, though.”

“Why wait until now to mention it?” I asked, careful not to be too loud.

“I needed to distract Spike with some mushy stuff so he’d quit listening. We’ll talk in the basement, okay?” She patted my arm and gave me a weak smile.

I gave her a nod. “When?”

“Spike’s leaving within the hour.” She switched tones again. “Do you want to cuddle on the couch?”

“I’d be delighted.” I gave her a cheesy grin and waited for her to lead the way.

We both grabbed books from Twilight’s ample supply and did some reading while Spike did his best to ignore us. I was rather worried about Twilight’s change in demeanour since I’d never seen her do something like that before. She could go from sarcastic and a touch unpleasant to sweet in the blink of an eye, but she wasn’t terribly serious during any of it. I tried to relax, but knowing that something was bothering Twilight irked me to no end and I had to stop myself from just asking what it was. I theorized about what it could be, but the only thing I could really think of was the Manticore in the Everfree, and I wasn’t sure if that was a big deal or not. Thankfully, Spike took his leave before I could drive myself mad, and Twilight wasted no time heading down to the basement.

She sat down at her worktable and I pulled up a stool in front of her. “So what’s on your mind, Cherry?” I asked.

Twilight pressed her fingertips together. “It’s just… Yesterday, in the Everfree…” Damn, I’m good.

“The Manticore?” I surmised.

She nodded. “I just feel so guilty! I thought I was doing it a favour by putting it to sleep for a little while, but I made that poor creature completely defenceless!”

“Twilight, if you hadn’t put that thing to sleep, I was going to kill it,” I stated flatly, factually, and frankly.

She looked at me. “What? What do you mean?” What else would I mean?

“Every Manticore I’ve ever run into wants to make a meal out of me. The Manticore was one we ran into, and it looked an awful lot like it thought we were lunch. I was going to kill it so it wouldn’t kill us.”

“... So me putting it to sleep didn’t even matter? It was going to die either way?” Twilight asked, thunderstruck.

“Pretty much. Actually, you probably actually did do it a favour by putting it to sleep so it could pass away in peace,” I reasoned.

“That… That actually makes me feel a little better.”

I spread my hands. “I told you that it wasn’t your fault, but you didn’t listen to me. I keep telling you I say profound things all the time.”

“Actually, that kind of just makes you a bad pony since your first thought was to kill it,” Twilight countered, narrowing her eyes.

“It threatened you. Nothing threatens my Twilight. Nothing that’s allowed to walk away, at least,” I emphasized.

“So why didn’t you just kill the Naga for nearly smacking me?” Twilight inquired.

“Because the Chieftain is a sentient creature that can speak. I’ve never known a Manticore to be a Zgon.”

“A what now? I’ve never heard of that word.”

“Zgon are intelligent animals like Lupa.”

“Oh. That’s a simple explanation.”

“It’s because it’s a simple thing. Do you need to talk about anything else, cry for a little bit, or get some ice cream?”

Twilight patted my knee. “I think I’ll be fine. I’m not exactly sure who to talk to about my murderous special somepony, but other than that, I’m okay.”

“I’m not murderous. I’m more like huggably violent or something.”

She gave me a look. “That would make you a bad pony.”

“Loveable with violent tendencies is the best you’re going to get out of me,” I huffed.

“I’ll take what I can get, I guess.” Twilight stood and grabbed my hand, leading us upstairs.

For the most part, Twilight and I just spent our day chatting while reading and cuddling in different positions. Just learning a little more about each other and chatting about how fast a year can pass and all the trouble that accompanies it. We broached different subjects, like the fact that Pinkie had never betrayed my trust a second time while Rarity was still the cunt she was. Twilight liked her, so I didn’t get too deep into the many reasons I dislike Rarity, though we did talk about Rainbow and her punchy-punchy nature

The Sun was setting by the time Spike got back, but instead of coming to my place, he opted to stay at home and sleep. I took him aside and asked what was wrong, but just wasn’t willing to talk about it at the moment, so I left him in peace. Twilight had seemed pretty oblivious to Spike’s soured mood, so I didn’t mention it until we were in my house so she wouldn’t be tempted to go and bug him about it. She was understandably upset that I’d waited to tell her that her little brother was in distress, but she understood my explanation.

Before I could offer her a drink, she turned me into Roxy again and the night was rather nice. While we were in the hot tub, I asked her if she wanted to go to Bridleland with me sometime soon and she agreed, though she wanted to bring the girls along to enjoy the experience with us. I’d intended it to be a sort of romantic getaway for us to grow closer or some shit, but I swallowed my plans and told Twilight that it was fine to invite our friends, even if we’d just talked about not liking two of them ourselves. I wondered how much it would cost me to schlep all the girls to Bridleland and when I mentioned it to Twilight, she said that it would take about three hundred bits per person, so that equaled out to twenty-one hundred bits over all, if we didn’t take anyone besides the girls. We both mentioned Spike at the same time since neither of us were about to forget the little guy and I set the plan in stone. Twilight was surprised to find that I was serious about getting out of Equestria for a little while and was pretty shocked when I told her that I wanted to leave next month. Even with Twilight’s help, that kind of time frame was pushing it, so I had to concede and deal with what I’d got.

After a quick round of lesbian action, Twilight and I went into my study and started drawing up plans. We would leave some time after the Dragon Migration because Twilight and the girls rather wanted to see it. I was tempted to ask about how Spike felt concerning the fact that he was going to be watching his kinsmen travelling without him, but if Twilight hadn’t said anything, then I was sure that it was for a good reason. We sent notes out to the girls, asking them to come over tomorrow so we could hash out some more of the plans. I didn’t really have anything in particular that I wanted to see, but the girls might have, and I knew that Twilight was psyched to go see Stonehenge. I’d been on a class field trip to see it when I was younger, but the Ponyland equivalent was probably magical as fuck or something, so I assumed that was why Twilight wanted to see it. She also mentioned something about a ‘Big Bong’, but she assured me that I couldn't smoke out of it, stating that it was just a cool clock. I was thoroughly disappointed, but my tears never fell.

Never let them see you cry.

Nothing interesting happened until the girls came over to talk about our trip to Bridleland sometime in the middle of the afternoon the next day. Pinkie expressed a great amount of interest, and Rarity seemed absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to see Bridleland in person. Applejack and Fluttershy expressed some concerns about how long we would be gone, and Rainbow seemed like she didn’t give a single fuck about anything anyone had to say, so once we agreed on when we would leave and how long we would stay, I had a word with Rainbow in my parlour.

I closed the door behind us, cutting off the stares from the girls. “Alright, Dash. What’s eating you?

Rainbow gave me a funny look. “What makes you think something’s up?”

“General apathy, lack of interest. We’re talking about leaving the country and you barely care whether or not we stay or go.”

She shrugged. “Travelling just isn’t my thing. I’ll do it, but I’d rather just go somewhere I can keep practising stunts and, y’know, my thing. It’s not like I don’t want to go, it’s just not my top priority.”

“Do you care about anything other than flying, or do you just like to go fast?”

“Why not both? I care about a lot of stuff, dude, I just don’t make it obvious,” Rainbow explained.

“The whole ‘cool and aloof’ thing never struck me as one of your usual gags. Seriously, is something wrong?”

Rainbow glared at me. “Like you really care. We might be friends, but it’s not like we’re close.”

I spread my hands. “This is me trying to get closer.”

“Dude, if you want to have some sort of relationship or something, occasionally taking me aside to talk about stuff doesn’t really count. I mean, don’t you dislike Pinkie or something? You hang out with her more often than with me, and you can’t even stand her, so what am I supposed to think?”

“Rainbow, how the fuck am I supposed to find you?” I asked.

“What? Dude, just look up-” You cuntfuck-

“All over fucking Ponyville? You don’t practice in the same place every day, you ignore people on the ground, and you spend most of your time in the sky. If you wanted to be closer friends, there are things you could have done too.” I pointed out.

“... Okay, so I’m not the easiest pony to get a hold of, but you have Dragon Fire! Just send me a note or something!”

I gave her a look. “I gave up after you straight up ignored three in a row.”

Rainbow blushed. “I… Might’ve been busy.”

“You flew past them.”

“Well-”

“And yet you couldn’t take the time to explain that to me. I thought you just didn’t like me or that we just didn’t have that kind of relationship.”

“Okay, so maybe I haven’t been the best friend to you either…” Rainbow admitted.

“And that’s perfectly fine. We can fix that.” I said. “It’s not like we have to love each other or whatever, but it would help if we were friendlier. What do you say to grabbing a smoothie tomorrow? My treat.”

Rainbow gave me a half smile. “What, you don’t think a mare can pay for her own smoothie?”

“I don’t think you have pockets to keep bits on you.” I scanned her bike shorts and T-Shirt.

She reached into her hair and pulled out a handful of bits. “Never doubt a mare’s mane, Max.”

“... That’s fucking weird. I thought Pinkie was the only one who-” I thought about it. “Nah, I remember other people doing it, it’s just weird.”

“How many mares do you see carrying around purses?” Rainbow asked.

“Besides Rares…? And maybe Flutters, I guess... Point taken. Getting back on topic; there’s nothing bothering you?”

“Besides the fact that we’re barely friends, not really,” She answered.

I nodded. “At least it’s something mendable. We’re gonna smoothie so hard, you’ll turn purple!”

Rainbow gave me an odd look. “What?”

“Well, brain-freeze would turn you blue, but you’re already blue, so it’ll turn you a shade darker.”

“Shut up, Max.”

“I’m the greatest, I’m not allowed to shut up.” I opened the door to the parlour and caught our eavesdroppers while they made real attempts to look casual. “Can we help you girls?”

Pinkie dropped a bit on the ground. “We were just looking for my bits! I dropped them everywhere!”

The rest of the girls had the good grace to look embarrassed, so I just rolled my eyes and shooed them away from the door. Rainbow didn’t have anything else to say, so we all agreed to meet up again in a few days for the slumber party. After an hour of snacking and talking, six of my friends went home and zero of them stayed behind, so I started doing some writing and enjoyed some alone time before heading into my mind to chat with Noir for a little bit. I entered the mindscape to find that it was a fucking war-zone, and I do mean that literally. Arrows dotted the sky, whizzed through the air and found their marks from time to time. Soldiers without any tell-tale marks marched at me from across an open field and behind me, more soldiers formed ranks, though they actually had an emblem of a broken horn on their shields. I figured that it was Noir’s side of the fight, so instead of staying on the killing floor, I closed my eyes and focused on finding Noir.

She was actually in the middle of her soldiers, scanning equipment and marching through the ranks, adjusting stances and posture as she went along. I followed her for a few rows until all Hell broke loose. The soldiers jogged forward in rank and I could hear the clash of steel towards the front of the mass of people, so I caught up to Noir and she gave me a wild smile. “Maximus! You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now!” She blurted before giving me a bone crushing hug.

“I get it,” I wheezed, “put me down.”

She did as I asked. “Sorry. It has been so long since I have taken part in a proper battle. Will you join me in reliving days of glory?” Noir bellowed over clanking armour and clashing armature.

“I would, but the whole wanton murder and destruction thing just isn’t my bag. I’m more of a hunter than a warrior, love.” I shouted over the clamour.

“Then hunt to your heart’s content on the field of battle! There is nothing like the feeling of a good war!”

“There’s no such thing, Noir. War is the greatest evil known to my race.”

She gave me an odd look and the scene froze. “I knew you felt mild distaste for killing, but I did not bother investigating into how you felt about war. You kill without hesitation, but you will not partake in a mock battle?”

“Being a warmonger just doesn’t sit well with me. You know that’s a big part of the reason why I killed Adolf.”

“I am not omniscient. There are still things I do not know about you,” Noir explained.

“Of course. We can exist in two different places, right?” I asked.

“Well, yes. I can halt my activities so we can spend some time together.” Noir offered, clutching her hands together.

She knew that I noticed, so she let her hands rest by her sides. “... Let me try the whole battle thing. It never hurts to have a little experience.”

“You do not have to force yourself to enjoy my activities, Max. Our relationship allows us to be completely honest with each other.”

“Like I said, it never hurts to have experience. Just watch my back and I’ll try to cover yours.” I patted her shoulder and conjured up my weapons.

She magicked them away. “I will not allow you to force yourself to partake in my war. It is okay that we have different definitions of fun.” It’s not like I don’t do things I don’t want to all the time

“Well, we can either fight this war or we can have you antsy, waiting for me to leave so you can get back to the real fun. Who knows, I might enjoy stabbing things I can’t actually hurt.” I shrugged.

“I do not mind waiting. I have waited a long time for this, and a few more hours will not make much of a difference.” Noir put her hand on my shoulder. “You cater to the needs of others when it is required. Allow someone to do the same for you.”

“You already cater to my needs, so it’s only fair if I do the same for you. This is a give and take thing, Noir, and I won’t sit by and let you give and give while all I do is take,” I replied adamantly.

She gave me a long-suffering look and sighed. “Perhaps you will enjoy the thrill of battle.”

Noir snapped her fingers and everything started over. She went back through the ranks of her soldiers and did her inspections until the battle began anew, but this time, she led me through the front ranks and into the worst of the fray. Noir used a powerful shout to push back the opposition and give us some space to work, but that meant that we waded into a pit of enemy soldiers. Noir gave me a smile wilder than the one she’d given me before and I worried about the safety of the soldier constructs until I got hit with a shield. From there, shit got real rather quickly.

As light as I am and as fast as I happen to be, it was hard for me to say that I was getting the worst of anything. It was hard for people to chase me down with the ranks like they were, but it was also kind of difficult for me to get around shield’s until I found that I could charge someone, shoulder-block their shield, then ruin the formation behind them just by being smart with how I moved. Needless to say, the battle went on for hours and I got stabbed in my left leg by a bastard with a spear. I whirled like a dervish and sent Nacht into the soldier’s throat, marking the beginning of my lethal streak, though Noir had been close behind me, finishing off my wounded opponents and taking on as many as she could. I was getting hit from time to time, but I could almost hear Noir’s instructions in my head from every angle. It was like she was training me as I moved, even though my awareness of my surroundings was doing most of the work. I ended up getting stabbed in the side, but the wound was shallow enough to keep going, just not as I had been.

The damage I’d been taking was slowing me down and making me fight smarter, which was around the time I sheathed the Warbling Blade and just picked up a goddamn sword so I’d have some fucking reach for once in my life. It helped, but I wasn’t the one revelling in the most fun by far. Noir was evidently having the time of her fucking life, so I doubled back and filled the role she had been filling for me. With Noir in the lead, no one stood a fucking chance. Heavy overhead swings were often met with a flick of her sword, and her riposte was absolutely savage, though she occasionally left me to take care of them in the few seconds they were stunned so she could move onto a more worthy opponent. Sadly, they were all basically clones, but the longer the battle went on, the harder things got.

Noir and I got separated by a phalanx of soldiers that cut off my route to her. I was surrounded, so there was precious little I could do. I did my best to kill off the soldiers that poked and prodded at me, but they’d formed a shield wall, so I was boned up until I remembered that I could totally cheat. I slowed down to a walking pace and used my psychic tentacles to clear seven heads from seven sets of shoulders, giving me the space I’d needed to fight like I wanted to. I stabbed my sword into the ground and formed the Warbling Blade into its stiletto form and pumped the blade full of magic. Drawing thick blue lines in the air was simple and I had time to do it, but instead of touching them like I was just curious as to what would happen, I stabbed the blue lines with the Warbling Blade and pushed back a wall of attackers. A few died on the swords of their comrades, but it just wasn’t enough, so I changed the blade into its kukri form and it worked out much better for me.

With a stabbing weapon and a hacking weapon in either hand, I mowed through my opponents rather slowly since they weren’t terribly keen on fighting me anymore. Dark Magic was terribly overpowered, so I stopped using it entirely and lost myself in the challenge of staying alive. Six soldiers attacked me at once and I danced around them, literally. I was doing the Running Man past one of them when one of their comrades hit the fellow with a spear that was aimed for me and I chuckled at that, finding the AI to be a bit too simple with my cheats on. Then, out of nowhere, I was given a wide berth and some motherfucker with a Great Axe the size of my fucking torso showed up and I smiled. I’m sure I looked like Noir at this point just with more wounds, but she had been right; It was a great time to fight when I was the only one actually getting hurt.

He bore his axe and went in for a swing that was faster than I’d expected, causing a good laceration on my upper right arm. It smarted rather fiercely, so I stopped giving a single fuck and rushed the Axe Bastard. I cleared the range of his axe with no problem, though when I got close, he hit me with the shaft and pushed me back a little bit. I’d slowed down a lot since getting my second wind, but I forced myself to catch a third and started running toward him, dodging his blows as they came until I was within range again, but this time there wasn’t any hesitation on my part to jaw Nacht deep into a chink in his armour. I didn’t stop there, however, and continued treating Axe Bastard like a tricky pincushion, finding new places to stick my dagger wherever an opening showed up. The fellow was pouring blood from multiple places by the time I finished my assault, but we weren’t done yet. I’d triggered something terrifying with blows that should have all been lethal in their own right. Axe Bastard charged hard and swung his axe like it was one of my own knives, forcing me to make risky dodge after dodge, trying to get closer to him. Sadly, I couldn’t work my way back into his range, so I did what seemed natural and ran for my fucking life.

I bolted to the edge of our ring, but the enemy had formed a shield wall and had spears poking out from just about every side. Unwilling to get killed inside my own mind, I rushed one of the fellows with a shield and catapulted myself over it by jumping onto and off of his shield. I flew through the air and landed on some poor sap that I dispatched quickly enough. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time to get my bearings. I could hear bellows of rage from behind me, so I got a fucking move on and wove through the ranks of the soldiers, dodging more sword swings and the occasional spear thrust. I took a bad blow to my leg for my efforts, but luckily, I had ran straight into Noir’s own little fighting circle. She was battling a fellow with a claymore larger than her own, but she was winning handily. The fellow she was fighting was missing an arm and had little armour left on his body, but within seconds of my arrival, he was taken down with one final decapitating swing. Noir roared and I heard another roar behind me, so I hobbled into the middle of Noir’s ring and she rushed over to check me out. We didn’t have much time, however, since the Goddamn tank I had been fighting ploughed through his own men and broke into the circle. There was a path of blood behind him, but Noir scoffed at the new arrival despite that. Axe Bastard hefted his axe and charged us and Noir didn’t move an inch, waiting for him to get nice and close before she sidestepped his blow, cut off one of his hands and beheaded him in one fell swoop

The circle started closing in and Noir came back to me, placing a hand on my leg. When she removed it, I was able to walk again, but I was drained from the high energy style of fighting that I’d had to maintain. Noir helped me to my feet and conjured a familiar shortsword, passing it off to me before preparing to face the soldier closing in on us. I sheathed the Warbling Blade and held Luna’s blade in my main hand since it was heavier than Nacht, though I was severely lacking in the energy department. Suddenly, Noir whirled around and smacked the steel out of my spine and replaced it with titanium to stay tough, yet cut down on weight. It galvanized me like I’d just done a rail of something pure and white, and with that I was ready to continue.

Noir and I held our positions until the fuckers came close enough to start using spears. From there, Noir and I started hacking off spearheads as best we could. I got through quite a few before the swordsmen showed up to the party, and with a real sword in hand, I faced them readily. My first opponent met his end in one blow, his head joining many others on the ground, and after that, I started getting a real feel for Luna’s gladius. Thankfully, it was sharp enough to do damage and the extra reach it afforded me was just what I had needed, though that didn’t stop Noir and I from getting separated again.

I fought on without my mentor, though I was still doing rather well against our enemy with her instruction in my ear. Up until our own soldiers arrived to the party, Noir and I had been hacking our way back to each other, but once our reinforcements arrived, things became much easier. Noir and I fought on the front-lines, falling back from our original positions to the relative safety we had in our now superior numbers. I had no idea how many people Noir and I had slain, but I was willing to be that she, at least, had reached the hundreds in the hours we had spent in battle. There was no way to tell how much time had actually passed, so I was just fighting for the fun of it at this point, but soon after our soldiers had caught up to us, our enemy laid down their weapons and surrendered. Noir found me shortly and took me off of the battlefield to one of the medic tents. We were both covered from head to toe in wounds that either needed stitches or to be wrapped up, and even though Noir could patch us both up with magic and have an ocean left to spare, we sat through the process of being poked, prodded, patched and sewn until our adrenaline failed us.

Once we were done with the medics, I asked, “So why did we have to get patched up the normal way instead of using magic?”

Noir sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, shifting the scene to my old house. We went out to the porch and conjured up a couple copies of my easy chair since it was the best. “Fighting only has meaning if there are consequences. The thrill of battle was beautiful in its own right, but for us to fully understand the warrior’s plight, we must subject ourselves to everything the warrior feels, and that includes being ‘patched up’.”

“Easy for you to say. You had way fewer cuts that needed to be sewn up!” I bitched.

“As you might say, ‘quit your bitching and get good.’,” Noir chuckled.

“Fuck you.” I sighed.

“Another time. Fighting by your side was a privilege, I must say.” Noir sank into her chair and closed her eyes.

“Seeing you in action was pretty great, though I’m a little upset that you handled the guy with the claymore and I got the berserker with the axe.”

“Generals Magnum and Cleaver. Both of them were formidable, but Magnum always was a troublesome opponent for those with light weaponry. You made the right decision in bringing him to me.”

“I didn’t mean to. I was hoping that he would die from his wounds while chasing me,” I admitted.

“He would have in thirty or so more seconds. The last swing of his axe was painfully slow.”

“Good to know, though it’s not like I could have gotten much further. Without you, I would have died then and there.”

“There were multiple points where you would have normally passed out and been, yes, killed.” I made a face. “It was a war and it was your first true battle. Be proud of the job you did, Maximus, for it was quite respectable with the training we’ve had thus far.”

“Still, sucks to know I cheated and still technically would’ve lost.”

Noir reached over and grabbed my hand. “Would you care to know how many men you slayed? I am sure that you would feel better knowing.”

I shrugged and squeezed her hand lightly. “Sure, let’s see what my KDR is.”

“You took down forty-seven men, though that is not counting the ones you wounded. If they were not directly killed by you, then it didn’t count, but if it did, you would have gotten nearly one hundred.” Noir smiled at me

I raised my brows. “... Wow. How many did you get?”

“A few more than yourself. Nothing to boast about when considering my experience,” She waved her other hand, downplaying the fact that she totally wrecked my low score.

“So, like, five hundred?”

“Excessive, would you not agree?”

“C’mon, how am I supposed to know how I did if I don’t compare to anyone?” She raised a brow. “You’ve done this before and survived, may I add.”

“Two hundred and fifty-eight, but who truly cares? Is the combat not enough?” She chuckled.

I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand. “You’re right, just fighting in and of itself was kind of fun to a point. War isn’t that bad when I’m the only one who can die.”

“As long as no one besides us gets hurt, I agree. I was thinking about your words and feelings during the battle, and I find that I am beginning to agree with you. War is worse than Hell.”

“Hell only takes the deserving. It’s kinda the whole point of the place.”

We sat in silence for a little while after that since we were both fucking exhausted. We could have fixed ourselves with a thought, but the ache of our wounds and in our muscles was sweet in its own way, like a weird reward for a job well done. Staying still made the pain almost pleasant in a way, but moving sucked, so we conjured up drinks and snacks, watching the sun rise over Ponyville as I often did when I had the chance. I even took the opportunity to rip Sinbad a time or two, though Noir declined when I offered. Eventually, we traded our easy chairs for recliners and I changed the weather so that it was a little nippy. Noir wasn’t terribly fond of the weather, so she fused our recliners together and we cuddled, which I found to be a little on the odd side since we had both just committed small scale genocide. Still, Noir was nice and warm, the recliner was pleasantly soft, and Sinbad was just as beautiful as I remembered. It was a little odd to be the little spoon or whatever for once, but I didn’t mind it too terribly.

I mean, Noir’s a tall gal and all, but I don’t think she’s hiding a furry futa dong from me. Even then, I barely thought about and got pinched for apparently accusing Noir of being a hermaphrodite, which I didn’t understand her offence over. I got cuddled extra hard for being difficult, but it was a good time all the same… Behind held was a different feeling when I was a guy and it wasn’t unwelcome or anything… It was just a little odd, I guess. A little odd and a bit emasculating, but pleasant all the same.

We spent the better part of six hours doing nothing, just watching the Sun rise and set as we pleased, telling the occasional joke and having the occasional toke. Noir was interested in Mary Jane, but she just refused to hit Sinbad, so I ceased the fire and made maple bourbon. She wasn’t terribly fond of it, so she went for some wine until I reminded her that she wasn’t supposed to drink after losing so much blood. She switched from wine to wine coolers, and things were perfectly fine from there.

I left when Noir mentioned that she could use some rest, though when I returned, I had a massive headache from the different states of my body. The wounds from my mind had etched their way into my nerves and ached for an hour until they faded away, and during that time, I just laid on my couch and dozed off and on. Before bed, I caught up on my journals and now I’m patting myself on the back for being so attentive to my writings. Right now, I’m looking forward to the Bridleland trip and another battle with Noir by my side. I wonder how Twilight will take the news that I participated in a fake war and killed a shite-tonne of fake people. Maybe I just won’t tell her.

Oh shit, I forgot that she still wanted to read my journals. Oh well, it’s not like I can’t explain or whatever. If you’re reading this, Twilight, I just want you to know that you’re on my mind.

Author's Notes:

So there wasn't actually all that much that changed in this one. Development with Noir, changed tones of every conversation to make everything less accusatory and more... In character for the shit I've put forth so far. Y'know, I only added 5~7k to this, but it's the liuttle stuff that counts sometimes lmao

As always, Stay Cool, Kids