There aren’t many things better than waking up next to someone you love. Maybe emotional or professional fulfilment since they usually come and go, but the feeling in my chest before I even opened my eyes? Just smelling Twilight next to me made my lips curve into a smile, and when I actually did decide to face the light of day, I saw her smiling back at me. I suppose it should have been a bit more creepy than I’d found it, but Twilight had woken up under the same circumstances before and I’d explained that I just liked looking at her from time to time. I assumed that the feeling was mutual, or that she understood where I was coming from now

“Good morning, my love~ How did you sleep?” Twilight asked, brushing my cheek with her thumb.

I tried not to yawn in her face and succeeded, giving her a bleary, sleepy smile. “Like the world stood still just to let me have a moment with you.”

“You can’t be this sweet this early. It’s not okay.”

I stole her hand back and put it on my cheek again, closing my eyes. “I don’t care if it’s not okay. You’re worth breaking rules for, even if they’re just the silly ones in the first place.”

She giggled, but I missed what she said until she shook me. “Wow… You fell asleep in like, five seconds…”

I chuckled and didn’t bother to move. “That weird or something?”

“For you, yes… You usually jolt awake and stay awake regardless of whether you had a bad dream or not…”

“... Huh.” Words came to my brain, so I said them. “Take it as a comment on the warmth of the love for you in my heart. It’s like a campfire that keeps the shadows away.”

“... Entirely too sweet…”

“I’m not sorry.” Twilight shifted and I assumed that she sat up. “Nooo!”

“Yeees, Max. We have to start the day sometime.”

“Whyyy?”

“Because we’re adults-”

“Yeah, but the fuck are we gonna do downstairs that we can’t do here? Like cuddle?”

“Well, there’s a lot more food downstairs.”

“Ugh. You and your natural bodily functions.”

Twilight chuckled at that. “The faster you get up, the sooner we can have our first kiss of the-” I bolted upright and rubbed my eyes. “... Wow.”

I popped my neck before looking at her. “Mm, you shoulda led with that if you actually wanted me out of bed.”

“Good- Good to know. Glad I’m not the only one a little addicted to kisses.”

“Well, I don’t understand how you are, but there’s a reason Rainbow knows how to perfectly spin the bottle.”

“She usually lands on Flut-” Twilight’s brow furrowed and I tried not to giggle. “... Wait… If I carry the two and divide that by the denominator…” Her jaw dropped. “That little whorse! I should’ve known that the statistical anomaly of picking the same mare out of five others six times in a row-”

“Christ, Twilight-”

“She’s sneaky!”

I reached for her hand and tried not to laugh because I knew she was legitimately annoyed. “At least you know that when I say your kisses are best, you know I damn well mean it.”

Twilight’s pout made me think of poutine, probably because they were spelled similarly. My stomach grumbled as a result. “Well, I guess you’re hungry too now, and there’s no reason to get stuck on Rainbow… Whorse!”

“I prefer ‘Cornflower Cunt’ whenever she’s really pissing me off.”

“I don’t know what cunt means and you won’t tell me.”

“Well, do you think I can be a dick sometimes?”

“Sometimes, but-”

“Cunt means ‘dick’, but for women.”

“Oh… I assumed it was generally much worse since you usually shout it at ponies.”

I shrugged. “The actual meaning of the word is next to harmless, but the context could get you in trouble in some places. England was kind of a happy medium where most people didn’t really take too much offense to it, but women in America were snowflakes about it and Aussies called you cunt because everyone’s a cunt. Everything in Australia is a fuckin’ cunt.”

“... I don’t understand.”

“Most of the wildlife in Australia belonged in the Everfree. There was some seriously freaky shit in that county that Human eyes weren’t meant to see.”

“So your world had monsters, but not magic?”

“Australia had arachnids the size of puppies and hornets the size of birds.”

“Stars above!”

I shrugged. “Shite, they weren’t in England.”

“I think your world was a little scarier than you give it credit for.”

Stretching, I answered with, “Eh, my world’s pretty cute now, and her lips are nicer than my home planet’s.”

“... Your planet had lips?”

“No, which is why yours are automatically nicer. Speaking of nice things, do you think Spike’s up already, or am I going to make breakfast today?”

“Omelettes do sound pretty good. I think we have enough eggs.” Twilight slid out of bed and started picking out clothes for the day. Oblivious little minx.

I’d brought over a set last night so I would have something to change into. “Do you want me to wait until after showers to start cooking?”

“Yes please. If you can get to the kitchen before Spike, leave a note telling him that we’ll make breakfast today.” Twilight requested.

“No, I’ll make breakfast. I still remember the smell from the last time you tried to cook.” I chuckled. She’d turned potatoes into charcoal after dressing them like they were already cooked. I never knew that you could clear a house so quickly in the middle of winter/

“That was one time! I didn’t know that potatoes were flammable!” Twilight objected.

“You’re lucky Spike likes burnt food, otherwise you might have been in trouble.” I rose and stretched some more.

“Shush and go! March!” Twilight ordered playfully.

“I never shush long, and I don’t think you want me to. There would probably be some kinda plot getting cooked up.”

“Fair point, Mister Troublemaker.”

I rolled my eyes and headed downstairs to find Spike doing some prep work for breakfast. Thankfully, he’d been using the black apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ instead of his frilly pink one, though I was sure that he still had it somewhere, despite my warnings. I’d gotten him his new apron after I’d heard a round of comments from the girls one day about how adorable Spike was with his old one. The guy seemed to be confused as to why I wanted him to switch. I let him know that ‘adorable’ and ‘handsome’ are two completely different responses from women, and that we should work on getting ‘adorable’ changed over to something more masculine, hence the new apron. Spike absolutely loved wearing it whenever the girls were over because it usually meant that he was getting kisses from Rarity and Fluttershy.

My little brother was wise indeed.

I let Spike know that I was planning on taking over the breakfast activities and he told me to stop bothering him and go be sappy with Twilight or something. Unluckily for him, Twilight always had plenty of tape and paper on hand, so I stuck a ‘Lick Me’ sign to his back while he wasn’t paying attention and went back upstairs to see if Twilight had gotten in the shower yet. She had, so I blew some time doing push-ups and crunches because I was about to get clean anyway. I’d worked up a little sweat when Twilight came into the room, and finished with my set before rising to greet her.

“My turn?” I asked, a little winded.

Twilight’s eyes were glued to areas that were not my face and I was rather thankful that I’d thought to take off my shirt. Catching her eyes was an ego-boost. “What?” She asked after a moment, refocusing on my eyes.

“Is it my turn in the shower?” I lifted a brow.

“Oh, yes, sorry!” Twilight said quickly. I noticed that her eyes were trying, and failing, to stay on my face.

“Look where you want, Cherry, it’s all yours anyway.” I patted her shoulder on my way out and tried to sway my hips like Fluttershy did when fun was about to ensue.

She giggled, which was another point on the board toward a good morning. With my mission accomplished I took my shower. The water was warm, my soap smelled great, and Twilight had totally been naked in this room before me. My heart hammered a beat as my imagination wandered, making me giggle like I was a Japanese schoolgirl or some shit. I’d never been terribly sensitive to nudity, but the thought of seeing Twilight au naturale made me excited like no other. Of course, I’d had a lot of practice breaking down tents from my teenage years, despite never having gone camping.

I finished up with my shower, but my usual methods of calming down weren’t working, so I decided to deal with it as best I could. After wiping away the steam on the mirror, I wondered if I should have a barber shave my beard for me. Twilight hadn’t really said anything about it, so I’d just left it there ever since I’d come back from the Everfree. In fact, no one ever said anything about my beard. I was a little offended before I realized that I was basically growing face fur, though it was longer than any Pony’s by far.

I whipped out the Warbling Blade and slowly whacked away at the rest of my beard, making sure not to cut myself. About fifteen minutes later, I had a nice, clean shave and a very cold face. I immediately wished that I’d saved shaving until after winter, but I could deal with the last vestiges of the cold months. Spring would soon be here, and I was excited for it since it meant that I could get out of my house and back into the forests. I hadn’t been hunting in some time now, and missed the thrill of a one on one battle of instinct against wit, but I could hold onto my mildly psychopathic tendencies until I had a chance to meet an opponent in the Everfree.

Finished with my morning ritual and then some, I joined Twilight and Spike for a lovely breakfast. Spike was a little perturbed since Twilight had licked his face for no apparent reason and refused to tell why she’d done so, but I kept my laughter to myself, despite Spike’s flurry of questions asking about what exactly had gotten into Twilight. There was little that could convince me to tell him that I’d stuck a sign to him before the day was up.

We finished up with breakfast shortly since Twilight and Spike didn’t really talk over meals in the morning. The little Dragon had outdone himself with the first meal of the day, so Twilight and I had given him plenty of praise for being an adept chef. Seriously, if Spike could have a Cutie Mark, it would probably be in cooking or something. I decided not to lick Spike as a reward, though I probably wouldn’t have anyway because scales and tongues don’t seem like they’d work well together. If the Ponies wanted to get a taste of Spike, then they were welcome to it. My tongue stays in my mouth, unless it’s in someone else’s. Even then, I’m only sharing for a little while.

Twilight doesn’t count. Shut fuck.

Spike went out to go see Apple Bloom since she was probably awake, so Twilight and I went back upstairs and did some snogging in the privacy of her bedroom. Since we had some time to ourselves, I let Cherry’s hints land where they needed and initiated some gentle caresses until Twilight asked me to handle the controller. I would’ve been happy to just get her off a few times, but she offered to give me a mouth hug and I wasn’t against it. Honestly, right now I’m conflicted. I want to record every important event, but every moment with Twilight feels important. I’d like to look back on my perspective of these memories with her some day, but I don’t want some slimy fucker wanking to my woman.

I just asked Twilight to add another privacy spell to my journal.

Twilight, while inexperienced, had put a lot of her brain power into wrapping her head around the act. Fluttershy had given her good advice and her female family members had spoken to her about plenty of things no one thought I needed to know. I knew that their ready answers to Twilight’s questions allowed her to get a visualization of how and what she should be doing, though. I’d never thought that speculation and the occasional not-to-scale testing would bring forth such good results, but it might have just been the fact that it was Twilight. Either way, we had a good time and Twilight always made clean up easy. She’d told me that it was another tip from Fluttershy, and much more quietly, that she enjoyed doing it. Of course, she’d added ‘for you’ after a moment, but she knows she can’t pull one over on me. It doesn’t stop her from trying, which I find adorable.

We went back downstairs after an hour or so of fun time and did what we usually do: drink tea and read. That passed the time pleasantly until around three when Rarity and Fluttershy came over. They joined us in the library, telling us about their morning at the spa. I couldn’t help but notice that Twilight continued laying on me while Fluttershy went on about this new hot stone thing they were trying, which was her way of staking her claim if I’m correct. Rarity took about ten minutes to say something.

“Why, Twilight, I must say, you’re being more… Personal, with Max than usual, aren’t you?” She asked, a little confused.

Twilight sat up and looked to Rarity, though her hand found mine with a practiced ease. “I guess I was just comfortable,” Twilight chuckled nervously.

Fluttershy’s eyes found the contact immediately. “Twilight? Our agreement?”

“Ah, right-”

Flutters looked at me and I knew that she was picking up on it. “It’s not like you two to be so physical…”

“Life changes fast,” I answered.

She smiled sadly. “So you’ve decided, huh?”

“You’re an amazing woman, Fluttershy, but pretty and graceful just doesn’t work as well for me as brilliant and dorky-”

“Hey!” Twilight protested.

Fluttershy sighed, not seeming all that disappointed. Her heart didn’t sound like it was beating irregularly and she usually wouldn’t bother with a mask among friends anyway, so I trusted that Flutters was alright for the moment. “You’re still sweet, Max, and you could’ve been a lot meaner about this. There was a time when you would’ve cared a lot less about my feelings.” She bit her lip, her eyes shimmering as she beamed, a melancholy echoing under the proud tones in her voice as she said, “We aren’t a bad match, Max, but I more or less pushed you to be with me because I thought we could grow together, and we did. We have. We still will. It’s just obvious that Twilight…”

“Fluttershy, I-” Twilight started.

Flutters shook her head, still not seeming too sad. It was odd since I’d expected her to cry on some level. “Twilight, it’s not like we were both going to marry Max, and Max and I don’t really have that much of a relationship. We have a lot of sex, chat from time to time, and cuddle. Max is… Well, we’re more like friends with benefits that didn’t want that label, and I enjoyed it, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen Max the same way you or Applejack do.”

I shut the fuck up because Twilight didn’t need to know how I felt about our orange friend, but she didn’t make a real comment on it. “Well, Applejack has always been sympathetic, if not empathetic towards Max-”

“And so are you, Darling. I daresay between the two of you, pulling Max’s head from his rear is a matter of when rather than if,” Rarity chimed in.

Fluttershy eyed me and I raised a brow. “Something to say, Butternut Squash?

“... I can say it if you’re going to be like that.”

“Say what?” I asked, sharpening my gaze.

Twilight could’ve shot me and I wouldn’t have known the difference after she said, “The little looks Applejack gives Max when she thinks nopony is watching?”

Flutters nodded, but Rarity commented before she could open her mouth. “Applejack has no illusions about her feelings towards Max-”

“Other than the fact that she doesn’t think she deserves to have them.” Fluttershy corrected.

Cherry shrugged while I tried to figure out if I was dying or overreacting, which weren’t mutually exclusive. “Well, I’ve never had a problem sharing Max’s heart, but it’s more up to Max than me.” She gave me an innocent, care-free smile until she saw the look on my face. “... Are you okay?”

“Uh… Wasn’t really expecting to be confronted about-”

“Confronted? No, no, I’m not upset or even worried, Max, I just want you to be happy.”

I scratched my temple with my thumb. “I appreciate that, and speaking of things we want, what did you gals want?” I asked, turning the question toward Flutters and Rares.

Fluttershy just raised a brow. “Well, we came to ask Twilight what she thought of Rarity, but it seems like we have other things to talk about. Why do you and Applejack refuse-”

“To discuss something we’ve settled in private on more than one occasion?” I shook my head. “I’m sure AJ makes it about as easy as I am right now, so can we not and just drop it?”

Rarity cracked an uneasy smile. “I almost feel like this entire avenue of conversation has been wrought straight from a Laundry Novel.” You would know, they’re basically soap-opera scripts.

Fluttershy giggled at that, but Twilight was nodding along. “Ever since Max came along, life really does feel more like a novel than, you know, reality.”

“You two have got to be shitting me right now,” I deadpanned.

“What?” My actual girlfriend asked.

“Okay, I literally come from a world where ninety-nine percent of your daily life is completely and utterly impossible outside the pages of a story. Your reality and the laws within itself are all fictional in my world.”

Twilight gave me a funny look. “I know you’ve said that Magic didn’t exist on Earth, but it can’t be-” I was already shaking my head. “How so then?”

“Magic was pure fiction on Earth. Unicorns and Pegasi were myths. Everything in the Everfree is from myth and legends that never had an ounce of substantial evidence in the modern era. Gryphons were myths too, along with Dragons and Minotaurs. The closest thing Earth has to the vast majority of the major races of Equus are just animals. Ponies are livestock people breed for fun or as companions. The closest thing to a Dragon Earth has is the Komodo dragon, and those things are just fuckin’ chunky land-lizards that have mouths so nasty, their drool can poison you. The scariest thing on Earth besides stupid Humans might be like, a shark because one-on-one, you’d better just hope it’s not hungry. We had bears like Bearett, but wolves Lupa’s size are only known of in places with mutagenic properties. Everything my life has become is practically a book waiting to happen on Earth.”

Rarity nodded numbly, her face blank. “That’s an oddly terrifying perspective, if I were to put myself in your shoes…”

Fluttershy shrugged. “If you had a problem with it, you’d bitch about it.”

“... I bitch about Magic and Ponies all the time, Flutterbutt.”

They all giggled at that since it was fucking true and the conversation had been successfully derailed enough for me to slip away and get started on some tea. I ended up doing a bit of thinking, but didn’t really get anything out of it. At least, not immediately. It was bittersweet to know that Fluttershy and I had been on the same page about our relationship and had, in essence, lied to each other to save each other’s feelings. It wasn’t a surprise, or at least not much of one. I’d felt a rift between Fluttershy and I and I’ve written so much into these pages, I just didn’t think she felt it too. At least I didn’t break her heart, but even then I still wasn’t fond of the sudden, abrupt end to our relationship. For the most part, I just hoped that we wouldn’t completely lose the connection we’d had.

The girls were talking about shite I didn’t particularly care to delve into at the moment, so I asked Twilight if I could borrow her room and she gave me a look since she’d thought I’d go back to sleep without her. I just rolled my eyes and told her that I was going to do some meditating, which was enough for her to let me go and sit on her bed. I was going to do it anyway, but I figured it was nice to ask and being nice to Twilight makes my heart warm.

Once I was settled in the usual position just in an unusual place, I closed my eyes, took three deep breaths, and opened them again to find myself in a pub I used to go to. Noir was playing pool with a glass of some amber liquid on the table not too far from her. She looked like a businesswoman that had just gotten off of work and was enjoying an evening away from home, trying to be left alone so she could enjoy the simple things. It was an oddly arousing scene, but as it had been a night or two since I’d last seen Noir, it didn’t feel quite right to comment on the appealing image I took a mental photo of. That being said, it was one of those things I would’ve put on paper if I could actually draw a straight line.

“Sup there, Noir? Having fun?”

She scratched like it had been her objective from the start, landing the ball she’d actually hit dead in the center of the table. “I see no point in this confounded game. It is needlessly convoluted.”

“It’s fun, and that’s all it needs to be.”

“At least chess broadens your strategic mindset. Hoop-ball would at least give you exercise. This is nearly pointless.”

“Eh, it teaches you inertial dynamics, problem-solving, and decision-making at the very least.

“True enough, I suppose, though I have never personally needed to know of inertial dynamics-”

“Ever throw something?”

“... Fair enough.” She snapped her fingers and the balls all racked themselves. And correctly at that. “A friendly game, perhaps?”

I gave her an easy grin. “Yeah, just don’t shark me.”

“Grab a stick and you shall see my frustrations with the game.”

“Then I’ll see if I can give us a solid break, yeah?”

Noir narrowed her eyes at me as I lined up my shot. “I cannot sense your intentions.”

I sent the cue ball down the table and kept my word, purposefully scattering the balls without really hitting them hard enough to pocket. “We’ll see how I feel if I start losing. How’ve you been, Ebo-Noir?”

“Hm?” She started lining up a shot of her own, but when she took it, it was clear to me then and there that I wasn’t going to write about the massacre about to happen. “I know you know I heard that.”

“Sorry, Noir, but that was pretty bad. Didn’t answer my question, though.”

She pursed her lips and prepared to shoot again after I fixed the scratch she’d made in the felt of the table. “Now that I know what it is, I have been doing… Very well, in all honesty.” she tried to hide a grin, but we both knew I saw it. As such, Noir just smiled at me and I clued in on why she tried to quell it.

I felt my face heat up and found interest in the bar when I heard balls clack and turned to see a white ball land in a pocket. “Did you make any?”

“Who is avoiding what now?”

“... Yeah, yeah, you’re happy for me… I appreciate it.”

“Three full days without a night terror, self-harm, or any intoxicants. You’ve officially been sober for the longest time since before you gained a female alter-ego.”

“Wow, that’s not sad-”

“Max, progress is progress. A step forward is still moving forward.” The knowing look on her face made it hard to stay down on myself, especially when she said, “Maximus, did you or did you not break the news to Fluttershy as kindly as you could during the moment? And it was a surprise at that, let us not forget.”

“Still… It was more of a one-on-one conversation.”

“And yet you both had friends you would trust with anything in the room. It mattered little, Max, they would have learned soon enough.”

I shrugged. “When you’re right you’re right. Which rules do you want to go by?”

“The ones that say I lose. This game is for the evil and wicked.”

“I know you’re awesome, but your name is synonymous with evil in Equestria.”

“No, my name is Noir, which is quite the genre of literature if I may say so myself. Nightmare Moon was my sister, though as we shared the same body at a point in time, so too did we share power and a name.”

“That must’ve sucked. Which boob was yours?”

Noir rolled her eyes and wandered over to the bar, having me follow her to a stool. I already knew I wasn’t in the mood for much, so I just got a fuckin’ Coke. And no, I don’t mean nose candy because I already had Luna take care of that addiction. I mean a God’s honest, good old-fashioned, glass bottle Coke that was just barely chilled. Noir had herself a Cheerwine, but she poured hers into a glass because she was trying to show me up. As a Brit, I felt a little slighted because I didn't think of it first. I also wasn’t that much of a prude, but at least neither of us were using straws to drink from the fucking bottle.

“As many jokes as you could make on the subject, I would prefer it if you didn’t. My sister was less concerned with my happiness while I was trapped within her than you have been since learning I was here. She knew, you did not. She chose to leave me to my own devices and I find no fault with her there. However, you, a stranger, have made clear that I am at the very least liked.” Noir passed me a sidelong smile. “... You are a kinder man than you might know.”

“Sometimes, but you’re about to make me start being a prick.” I sipped my Coke and tried to relax, but she just kept on fucking praising me.

“Consider this proactive immersion therapy. There will come a time when the people complimenting you will no longer be silenced with words of annoyance or your simply adorable little dagger-glares,” She chuckled, “much like that one!”

“You’re getting close to getting tackled,” I warned.

She spun her finger in a circle and some chips that I planned on stealing appeared in front of her. “Tackle me and you may have no chips.”

“Bribery? Really?”

“All is fair in love and war, and I would like to point out that combat is a large piece of war.” I stole a chip while she was talking and made some garlic aioli to go with it because why not? “Honestly, your peace for a sliced, fried potato-”

“Deep fried. Deep-fried sliced potato.”

Noir placed a hand on my shoulder and I just smirked at her. “Your peace for hot potatoes.”

“Sometimes things don’t need to be complicated.” I scooted the little cup of condiment in between us on the table, watching Noir’s reaction to what was essentially spiced mayonnaise.

She evidently liked it. “Your foods from Earth often carry strange flavours, but I have to admit that they are welcome more often than not.”

“Oddly enough, I always thought Equestrian food had a weird aftertaste to a lot of it.”

“That would be mana, most likely. Some form of ambient, Aetherial Magic imbued into everything that exists on this world.”

“I’m guessing you’re appreciating the sheer salinity of a lot of Earth foods. Probably should have thought of the sodium content, but-”

“You have absolutely no clue how much salt is in a single dose and you literally cannot become intoxicated from it without knocking on Death’s Door. In any case, an Alicorn’s sensitivity to most drugs is vastly different from that of a normal Pony’s. Whereas a mare of average build would need little more than a strong taste to become intoxicated, it would likely take multiple grams of Manganese Salt for I myself to garner any results other than satisfaction from the taste.”

“So you can pretty much eat table-salt like I can?”

“I would assume so. Admittedly, I do regret not trying salt in my youth, but it would have been a waste of time beyond the collection of the experience.”

“You can smoke or drink anytime in here, but I don’t recommend snow, especially since that shite can be a time-killer like no other and get extremely addictive because of it-”

“I am still a Pony, Max. The affectations of cocaine are very much lost on all races that I know of other than maybe Dogs. Even then, my guest may have just been hyper due to their youth, and I remember little more than whoever it was dousing their food in it.”

“It’s still crazy to me that Ponies eat coke like I eat salt.”

“Is it not equally odd for your friends? You literally carry an industrial-grade narcotic on your person at all times to flavour your food.”

“Honestly wasn’t expecting rock salt to be decent, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t better than the Nodium-Sodium shite.”

“Agreed, though you do understand that your rather lean physique and tendency to fade out of a Pony’s line of sight make you seem like an addict.”

“First of all, damn. Second, I’m not this skinny by choice, love.”

“Beanpole.”

“Lardarse.” She raised a brow at me. “Sorry, tubbo, we can’t all be light and lithe, now can we?”

“This from the praying mantis with spider fingers?”

“Meanwhile the furry blue Shrek is talking shite like I won’t bite her.”

Noir’s head whipped toward me. “Shrek? I would understand Fiona, but Shrek?”

“It’s not my fault you’re mascu-” The big blue Alicorn hit me with a lariat that knocked me clean out of my chair and into tall grass, the scene shifting before I even landed. Sitting up, I looked at Noir while a predatory grin graced her face. “Alright, then. We can have a go, Gam Gam.”

“We can only have a go if you-” I tried getting up, but she swept my legs like it was nothing, “can get up, that is. I think you will find it more difficult-” I lunged at her legs, but she scooped me up by my arms and held me up in front of her. “As I was saying; I am quite certain that you will find me a challenging opponent.”

“I can kick you.”

“I can throw you further than Applejack could while you were frail.”

I wrapped my legs around her because I could and Noir decided that my manhood and masculine pride were in need of a reality check. She held me by my thighs, thus making me grab her shoulders to avoid falling. “Okay, so I’ve made better moves.”

She nodded. “You have.”

“Yeah, that’s why I said it. Speaking of-”

“No, I will not put you down. As I was saying before you seemed to have lost all sense, you are quite light.”

“I mean, if you wanted to cuddle, I would’ve probably said yes.”

“Is this cuddling?”

“It’s weird, I’ll say that much.”

“Why are you concerned about gender roles in a place where there are but two souls?”

“It’s not necessarily the role so much as being picked up in general. It’s weird and most guys find it emasculating.”

“If you were not so cute when you get embarrassed, I would abide by your request.” I cleared my mind and started leaning in, earning myself a look from Noir until I formed a seal on her cheek with my lips, sucked, then bit her. “Why are you nibbling on me?”

I licked half of her face and she just scrunched her face up and let me do it. “Oddly enough, your face tastes like pie.”

Noir rubbed my slobber off on my shirt since it was mine anyway. “And you, Maximus, are entirely too unpredictable today.”

“Does that mean you’re go-” The cunt gave my medicine right back to me and licked my face up the middle. “... Blackberries. Definitely blackberries.”

“Unsurprising, though you invited it upon yourself.”

“... I think the only people willing to fuck with me this hard might be Fluttershy, Celestia, and Luna.”

“What can I say? Seeing your daily interactions and method of speech make life more interesting. I have long since decided that if we were to ever meet, that I would attempt your humour and joys should you deign it worthy of your time to share what you call fun. Your style of ‘faffing about’ is refreshing. A take on humour I have yet to see implemented in a way that brings as much laughter as your particular flavour.”

I let my fingers interlock behind her neck, hearing implications in her words. The melody, what she said, was crystal clear. The beat, or rather, the true meaning of her words was lost in translation. “... So you more or less agreed to meet me halfway before I knew you existed…?”

She shrugged. “I am aware of your appreciation for those who would take the time to read the annotations between the lines. Your words often mean more than most would assume, but you are generally a careful man with your words. If you speak with a certain inflection that assists your enunciation, then it is time to read deeper into your words and actions. Even when your ‘inner chav’ comes out, your words are far clearer than they are even when you are sober.”

“... Really?”

“I would guess that it comes from a desire to be understood that is unfulfilled in most of your relationships.”

“It sucks that you can accurately psycho-analyze me at any given moment.”

“If you would like, I am willing to put you down.”

“Yeah, you make it really easy to tell that you’re a Pony.” She let me go, but I held her hands for a couple seconds. I didn’t know why, but the contact felt needed. “You… Really aren’t careful with what you say, and we’re both aware that I pay too much attention, Noir.”

“It would be unfair of me to withhold information from you, having explained the nature of my presence within you. Ask and you shall receive.”

“Why didn’t you just ask to cuddle? I love cuddling. It’s not sexual to me.”

She puffed out a chuckle and looked away, playing coy for a bit even though I knew she didn’t want to answer the question. “Why not have a little fun?”

“It wasn’t for fun. You didn’t even adjust your grip-”

“You are an ape and you did call me an Ent.”

“I wasn’t holding on that tight.”

“... You do pay far too much attention.” She pulled a face, but didn’t appear to be upset. “Yes, I was craving contact. Are you satisfied?” I nodded, but Noir already knew I was up to something. “I invite you to stop obscuring your thoughts from me, and I also ask how in Tartarus do you do it?” I stared blankly at her as actual annoyance crossed her face. “... It is actually concerning how easily you accomplish this, Maximus. You understand that I am quite literally in-”

She landed on her back and I mounted her, making sure not to actually hop on her, even if I apparently was pretty light. Noir sniffed and tried to look mad, but failed when I stopped trying to act purely on instinct. “I am satisfied for now, and as for me clearing my mind…” I shrugged. “It’s always been something I can do. It makes it hard to know what’s actually going on around me to a point, but… It’s kinda like slipping into Fight or Flight Mode without wanting to run or fight.”

“So something akin to a mild trance.”

“Pretty much, as far as I know. Do you know my thoughts automatically or do you actually have to pay attention?”

“If I am not careful, my wave of thought can become intertwined with your own, though separating the two is as easy as wondering where my breasts went.”

I had a giggle at that. “Really? Your massive mammaries are your totem?”

“Hmm, it would make plenty of sense. They are heavy.”

I looked at them briefly and back to Noir, grimacing a bit. “You’ve got a helluva back, I’ll say that much.”

“Oh, since you have brought up the topic...”

Before I could even think to get away, Noir was on top of me, but it wasn’t anywhere near as scary as when- Well, that explains at least one time Rarity got me. In any case, having Noir smile down at me was a welcome sight; A fast friend doing little more than teasing me because it was my style. I accepted that she was using knowledge no one should’ve had access to in order to get closer to me. Although the prospect sounds daunting, there’s no point in pretending that I fear Noir in the slightest. She was vouched for by Luna and, even while technically fucking up, still helped me more than I could really thank her for. That, and I’d still yet to meet a Pony who could lie with their entire face. Luna’s lips were her giveaway if she ever tried to prank me, Celestia’s brow would twitch along with her lips flashing into a frown or smile depending on the news, but Noir’s eyes were truly the windows to her soul. The way her smile made her eyes crinkle told me that she was genuinely amused at the very least, and I would’ve said happy if I was more presumptuous.

It was a strange moment I’d only felt something similar to on rare occasions. That satisfaction of agreeing to split the loot with Maxwell when we met. The sensation of acceptance I got from Applejack’s empathy when I first told her pieces of my past. The general vibe of getting on the same page with Fluttershy and feeling just a little more understood. It worried me that Noir could be influencing my emotions, but when I narrowed my eyes at her, she was worried for all the wrong reasons. The water balloon hit her square in the back and she shrieked as ice water froze her from the fur on in.

“C-Cold fuck dammit! Max you-” She pointed at me while I was laughing at her and I shut the fuck up as a dunk tank formed around me. The water beneath me was crystal clear, but there was plenty of ice in it. Noir shook her wings and snapped her blouse dry as a table and a multitude of balls so egregious, it wasn’t even fair. “So you think you are quite the jester, yes?”

I thumbed my nose, not really able to hold back my shit-eating grin. “Come on, Noir, you wouldn’t really-” She launched a ball like throwing it with enough force to kill someone would dunk me harder. Miss Murder had thought of a curtain to catch the ball, but when that bitch pitched, I heard the impact before I could register that it had left her hand. “... Damn! God forbid you miss too bad!”

She picked up another ball and smirked at me. “I do not miss.”

“... This is me-” Another projectile impacted the curtain and… I may or may not have jolted so hard I fell off the fucking chair. That may or may not have happened, but what I’ll confirm is that Noir smacked the target and the chair dropped me like a rock. There was certainly no squealing.

Noir broke the tank down and let me sputter myself into breathing again before she put a warm, much appreciated blanket on me. Once I could actually think decently, I imagined being dry and thus I was. “Oh, that was quite amusing. I would’ve preferred to [Omitted].”

“Yeah, yeah, you nailed the target on the second try. I’d like to point out that I only dropped a balloon on you.”

She gave me a look. “I did not [Omitted] but I suppose you’re cold and wet anyway.”

“You definitely don’t miss by accident, I’ll say that much. Speaking of cold and wet, though…” Noir raised a brow and gave me a knowing look, making me rethink pranking her. If I did, it was never going to stop. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I started and you finished it. Pizza?”

Noir thought for a moment. “It would indeed be delicious.”

“Your face is delicious.”

She stared at me. “... Thank you?”

“You’re welcome. How’s a garlic parmesan with spinach and mushrooms sound to you?”

“Actually, I have never partaken of the flesh of a chicken. I am very interested in trying a bird raised as livestock.”

I closed my eyes and thought us back to one of the nicer places I’d eaten at. Although we’d already sat down and made our preferred drinks before it actually hit me, I still had to sit and realize that Noir was a Pony and was currently enjoying meat and cheese on bread. “Wait a sec-”

“Ponies were not always purely herbivores, silly Human. When my reign was at its peak, boars would often be slaughtered by the dozens for feasts of fortune. And yes, I do have a fondness for bacon, though, like yourself, I do find it to be entirely overrated. Delicious, yes, but I would rather have ground, spiced sausage over most things.”

I nodded and thought up a bratwurst for her, not really ruminating on it beyond ‘ground sausage’ before making one for me. “I like a good brat myself, though sauerkraut is kind of an acquired taste for some people.”

She tried it before saying anything, making a pleased expression. “It is better than I thought it would be, in all honesty. Sauerkraut was not common in my region and I never personally got over the smell while alive.”

“So have your tastes changed over the years?” I asked casually.

“They would seem to have, if my observations are anything to mind.”

“So you think, feel, and change, but you don't consider yourself alive?”

She’d been in the middle of a bite when I apparently rocked her world. Noir finished chewing before speaking, which I was grateful for. “... Quite an observation. I think, therefore I have my own thoughts. I feel, therefore I am subject to my own joy and pain. I change, therefore I am not a constant being, untouched by the world at large.”

“Seems pretty alive if you ask me.”

She toyed with the straw in her drink, a little smile on her lips. “And yet you would surely say that Fluttershy’s mind is more beautiful than your own. She would likely not make such a connection to a being without a physical form.”

“I don’t know about that, honestly. Fluttershy can pull through in the intelligence aspect more often than you might be giving her credit for.”

“It is not purely a matter of intelligence, and could not be simplified to such in my opinion.”

I sipped my drink, eager to hear what she had to say. “Then open that onion and give me your opinion with all the layers.”

“Well, as you know, Fluttershy is a somewhat bright mind with quite the interesting lens on life. I say this, although you have to admit that when it comes to matters of philosophy rather than ‘if/then’ statements or relatively simple hypothetical questions, Fluttershy has little of importance to say.”

“Not untrue. When I asked her about what she would consider worth dying over, she flat out told me that nothing other than a life in turn would be worth hers. It’s straightforward, but not an answer that should have taken her so long to come up with.”

“And yet you thought for all of ten seconds in bits and pieces, then delivered a concise, powerful message with deeper implications. Is that not remarkable to you?”

I looked at her. “Twilight, Applejack, you-”

“And of all these people, who are you more intelligent than?”

“... I mean, Applejack and I have the closest level of education-”

“Max, that mare is far wiser than I believe even you may give her credit for. Her strength is in her heart whereas Twilight’s is in her mind. Applejack feels for the solution and Twilight lays it down piece by piece. Their willingness to do either in order to understand you more is a large part of why you love them as you do.”

My jaw dropped. “You bitch!”

“It was hardly manipulation, Max, and you do it all the time.”

“Ugh, I hate that you use my fucking tricks against me so, so very much, Noir Moon.”

She raised a brow. “My name is Noir de Nocturna, and your tricks happen to be fun.”

“I know, that’s why I’m not mad and it sucks because I wanna be salty!”

“You are salty, though less like a serving of fat-back and more like a single chip.”

“I’ll chip your horn, love.”

Noir rolled her eyes and we ate for a few minutes before she broke the silence with, “... I truly do wish to discuss her, though.”

“Ask and I’ll answer,” I sighed.

“I have no questions at the moment.”

“... Well, fuck. My attention is still yours.”

“Max, Applejack is not a bad choice for you. With a gentle push, you know you could have her. You could have a happiness not unlike that you have with Twilight now. You have experienced the rightness of being by her side, of knowing her well and wanting to learn more… You love Applejack, and there is a deep love in her gaze when she looks upon you… This is my peace to say on the matter, and if you wish to discuss it no further, I understand.”

I nodded and thought of a reply, discarded it, and just opened my heart and let it bleed out. “... I don’t wanna be Dad, Noir.” The ache in her expression was expected. “... Applejack’s a functioning alcoholic, and you don’t really want to catch her stone-sober… I… I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m always afraid that I’m going to say the wrong thing or feel the wrong way and get hit because I didn’t want to bend my knee…”

Her face was hard to read, though I could tell that she was holding something back. “I understand, but I offer you any combat training you would so desire.” At my befuddled look, she continued. “You fear for yourself anyway, Max. The martial arts are still an avenue of study I believe that you would greatly benefit from devoting time to.”

I pursed my lips and looked off to the side. ‘I am so uncomfortable right now-’ Noir’s brow furrowed as I paused and we appeared back in the meadow, except I tried to tackle the bigger person and she literally slung me over her shoulder. “... Yeah, I could stand to learn some tactics if this is how the rest of the world grapples.”

“Your aptitude lies nowhere near grappling at the moment.” Noir adjusted her grip so that I was basically lying on my side while one her shoulders. “I must say, you make a terrible neck pillow.”

We started drifting backwards all the same until her head was on my stomach. Her melon was crushing my ribs as I croaked, “I’m not that soft.”

“I am not heavy and I will not move until you admit otherwise.”

“Your head’s only heavy because there’s so much knowledge in your brain.”

She sat up and let me tackle her again, but I mostly just fell into a hug because I was light-headed. Noir let me hang on her arm until I just sat next to her, laying my head on her shoulder. “... You know, I do not believe I have thanked you yet.”

“Hm?”

“You have been very perseverant in making yourself like me.”

“... What makes you say that?” I asked, genuinely confused.

She chuckled. “How many people would you be so frivolous with? Especially when it comes to interpersonal contact.”

Noir dragged her fingertips over my knees from time to time while I considered the answer. “... I don’t know, honestly… Not for sure, anyway, unless it’s because you seem to accept everything I throw at you.”

“... Now that I think of it, I have rarely been so interested in knowing a person and thus being so willing to stray from the normalcy I know. I suppose that after having seen many of your antics and attempts to make others smile, I began to desire a similar interaction, though from your perspective.”

“You do fuck with me pretty hard.”

She took her arm and laid it across my shoulders, pulling me to her as the sun slid down near the horizon, large clouds so reminiscent of the mastodons from Earth that they blocked most of the brilliance and bathed the meadow and flowers beyond in a radiant vibrancy that seemed to warm the moment, coating life in a filter. My favourite type of weather and my favourite time of day. I closed my eyes and inhaled, the scent and aromas around us blending with Noir’s natural scent. Her wing came to cloak me with a little extra warmth and the moment was full of contentedness that I was finding more and more often in my life. We just sat there for a little while and Noir eventually started rambling about my catalyst. Apparently the crap I had figured out with it was pretty much the only stuff she wanted me to use it for, so blowing gusts and warding people off was the limit for the time being. Y’know, beyond stabbing people.

Our time apparently started winding down since Noir said, “It is nearly time for you to depart. I have very much enjoyed your company, Maximus.”

“And I’ve enjoyed talking to you some more… I just wish there was more time in the day.”

She chuckled. “There is plenty here in the mindscape, but I understand your sentiment. Again, it has been quite the time with your company.”

“I’ll have to start visiting at least every other day-”

“Maximus, I cannot become lonely-”

“But you think and feel all the same,” I interrupted softly, matching her gaze readily.

Her grin held melancholy along with amusement. “Allow me to correct myself; It is nearly impossible for loneliness to matter to me. I have spent thousands of years alone. A delicacy can be missed, but it is what it will always be; A rare treat.”

“... Friends… True friends are rare treats, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you can only enjoy them every so often.”

“Your concern is touching, though unnecessary.”

“Bullshit. You do have feelings, Noir, and I doubt that you’d just be fine without having personal contact. I might not understand you as well as you do me, but I understand friendship. I understand that desire for contact and kindness. We both know that I’m pretty decently acquainted with feeling isolated, and friends don’t let friends suffer if they can help it.” I closed my eyes and imagined a merry-go-’round.

Noir stared at it. “Your words are touching, but I am not getting on that thing.”

“Do it, Noir.”

“No.

“Just. Do it!”

She rolled her eyes and grumbled. “None to Shia about that, are we?”

I kept giving her the same look until Noir boarded the playground toy and I set my hands on the rails. “Are you ready for the time of your life?” I asked cheekily.

“I am several thousand years old as well as a being that has ended more lives than some contagious diseases, ran my own country, pioneered my own School of Magic, and cowed thousands of men before my might with nary but a sword in hand. Spinning in a circle like a child from your world will not be my crowning achievement.”

“No, but being spun around in a circle by a one of a kind species in said species mind while wearing clothes from a different world- Wait.” I paused as I was preparing to spin. “Why don’t I have Rarity start making sportswear? I’m sure we could make some money while doing it. With you bolstering my memory, I’m sure we could get a functional prototype going within a few weeks.”

Noir thought about it and her tits instantly shrank by like, half a cup as her eyes widened. “... Amazing…”

“Are you wearing a sports bra?”

“It is very comfortable. Like a chest-hug.”

“Hm, sounds better than wires and straps.”

“You prolong my suffering with your tangent. It is and was a good idea, but let us get this over with.”

I shrugged. “Don’t get ill.”

I grabbed one of the rails on the merry-go-’round and started running because that’s the fastest way to get them started. Then I remembered a YouTube video that I’d spent far too long laughing at and imagined a wheel spinning at ridiculous speeds. Noir was sitting in the middle of the contraption, so I wasn’t worried about her flying out right at this moment. I touched my construct to the merry-go-’round and it picked up speed rather quickly. I grinned to myself and found a decent time to hop on, struggling to join Noir in the centre. Once I was there, I turned it up a notch and about a minute later Noir and I were flung through the air like rice at a wedding. Luckily, Noir had the presence of mind to change the scene into a padded room, though we still hit the walls pretty hard. I bounced off of the floor and laid there for a while because I was dizzier than a metaphor and twice as nauseous. The merry-go-’round wasn’t my best idea, but it had been fun.

“We are never doing that again,” Noir groaned a few meters away from me.

I didn’t trust myself to open my eyes, let alone speak, so I grunted by way of response. It took a few minutes for my head to stop spinning, but once it did, I sat up against the soft wall and looked at Noir who was face down on the floor. At least it was a soft floor. “Alright, so we’ll find something slower to go on next time,” I intoned before standing.

Noir turned her head so she could speak. “I despise you so much right now.”

“It’ll fade with the nausea, love.” I walked over and sat next to her prone form.

She pushed herself up and rolled to sit. “The nausea has been gone, but I still despise you. I like these padded rooms, though what that says of my mental state is to be determined.”

“You know you were having fun until it got too fast.” I said playfully.

“I was, in all honesty. The ‘too fast’ portion is entirely your own doing.” Noir chided.

“Yes, but you can’t appreciate the good times without the bad, so suck it up.” I patted her shoulder

Noir whacked me with one of her wings. “Damn you and your whimsy.” She appeared to think for a second. “As much as I would like to show you my favourite torture device, our time is actually coming to a close. Have fun with Twilight, Maximus. Tell her I said hello.”

“I will, though I don’t know how she’ll feel about Nightmare Moon telling her to have a nice day,” I commented.

“She will accept it if it is you who speaks.” Noir smiled and waved me off.

I could feel my eyelids start to close, but I sneaked one last hug in before I felt my body shift. While I was thinking about Noir, I realized that there was still a lot about her history that I didn’t know and made a mental note to talk to her about that before checking my pocket watch. A little time had passed while I’d been meditating, but only an hour and some minutes. I found that to be odd since time seemed to move differently in my mind, but I shrugged it off and made another note to ask Noir about the time dilation. Since there was only one thing on my itinerary, I went back into the library to find that the girls were still talking about something or other, so I had a seat next to Twilight and waited out the storm.

There wasn’t much time before I got dragged into the conversation, but I couldn’t complain about it since Rarity offered to give me a free haircut and Twilight had a style in mind that I didn’t hate. We took the party to the kitchen and continued talking for a bit, which was what Spike walked in on when he came home. He asked if I was staying for dinner and I declined, stating that I had to get back to my house at some point and clean up, which got giggles out of everyone. Fluttershy was the first to point out that she’d purposefully rearranged my pillows once only to find that I’d put them all back where the fuck they’d been, which got her bitched at for messing with my cleanliness. Twilight giggled her bloody tits off, but the look on Spike’s face told me that he’d got sick of Twilight’s lack of organizational prowess outside of books and tools a long time ago.

When she could breathe, Cherry poked fun at Spike for being a clean freak himself and Rarity asked why it was a bad thing to be organized and orderly. No one could actually give a real reason as to why it wasn’t a boon, and me being the dick I am asked why it was that the two people with the messiest rooms were laughing about being ‘too clean’. Flutters shut up, Twilight couldn’t say a damn thing, and Rarity had to stop cutting my hair because she was giggling so hard. In the end, it was still a pretty decent cut and I couldn’t be much happier with it. Rarity appreciated my gratitude and took the opportunity to fuck off since she wasn’t going to get the freaky foursome she’d come for.

Fluttershy hung around for a few more minutes to talk to Spike and they got along as they always did. Spike was smiley and Flutters was her usual sweet self, but I did notice the growing man check out the older woman the second neither she nor his sister were looking at him. Spike caught me catching him and he blushed, shrugging. There wasn’t a fucking thing I could say to reprimand him (and keep a straight face), and I also didn’t blame him in any way, shape, or form for being attracted to one of his sister’s older, more attractive friends anyway. I just hoped that he already knew that pulling shit with Fluttershy wouldn’t have the same results as with Rarity. Namely, the white mare would likely make a fuss and forgive him after some over-the-top guilt-tripping, but Flutters might drag the ordeal out until she was comfortable around him again. It was a toss-up.

There were a few minutes I had with Spike and Twilight after the others left and I made sure to hug them both and tell them I loved them before I fucked off. It was a good day already, and it was a little on the warmer side for once. There was plenty of ick in the cobbled roads of Ponyville, so I planned on sticking to the grass for once on my way home. As I made my way through the west side of town, I ran into a familiar face by the way of a mare named Milky Way. We chatted for a sec after she helped me up, and I struggled to face the fact that she had literally turned ninety degrees and knocked me on my arse with her chest. It wasn’t that my pride was hurt, I just didn’t think that it was possible outside a fucking dirty cartoon or something. In any case, Milky apologized early and we didn’t talk all that long since she wanted to be anywhere but in front of me at the moment.

In her defence, if I had knockers that lived up to the name, I’d go for another victim instead of being too embarrassed to carry on a conversation.

The rest of the walk home was relatively uneventful except for the activity in my mind. As I spent more time with Twilight, I noticed that I was growing generally more willing to smile. The more I talk to Noir, the more I understand myself. Getting to know the Princesses better left me feeling less lonely because they could usually identify with me on some level. I was at my door when I found myself smiling fondly at memories of people I could have easily hated into the next life. Some that I would have been willing to kill at some point. The strangeness of life wasn’t lost on me by any means, but it was better for my psyche not to ruminate on ‘if’s that started bad in the first place.

I started looking for something to do when I got inside, but there really wasn’t shite for a single person other than artistic avenues or some form of training. There was precious little that needed to be cleaned since I wasn’t exactly a messy person when it came to my personal effects, but swept anyway and grabbed my journal. I was filling in the parts about falling face first for Twilight with a goofy smile on my face when there was a knock at my door. I closed my eyes and focused since I was already in the living room, counting the beats and rests in the measure of her heart’s song. It was Twilight, no doubt about it. Her heartbeat was soft and a little quick, speeding up and slowing down as her thoughts wandered. When her heart slowed considerably for a few beats and sped back up, I shook off any lingering hesitance and fucked off toward the door. I didn’t run to the door, but I did speed it up so I could take a moment to check myself in the mirror nearby. Twilight greeted me with a smile and Spike asked why he couldn’t smell potatoes frying. I told him to fuck off and go stick some balls, so he gave me the fist-bump and went to the record cabinet to grab mood music for himself.

I got started on dinner and kept it relatively simple with spaghetti carbonara while Twilight browsed through my collection of records so she could see if she wanted to listen to something else. She put on a collection of classical music that was meant for waltzes and pulled me away from my station at the stove for a little dance. Twilight trod on my toes like I was part doormat, but it’s not like I’m any sort of dancer myself, so we just spun around in circles around my living room, enjoying the moment. Spike came out of my parlour to go grab something to drink and watched us for a little while, sticking around until we finished up. I knew from the jug he’d grabbed that it was hard cider instead of my mulled cider, but I don’t think alcohol affects Dragons and a glass or two of weak alcohol wouldn’t do a fifteen-year-old harm. That, and unless you’re unfortunate enough to be of the poor bastards in Eagle land, most places would let you have the drink anyway if your parents were there.

… Getting distracted is easy, but I focused on Spike so much because he soon asked, “So what’s making you two spend so much more time together on top of the touchy-feely stuff?”

I shrugged and held Twilight to me before glancing at the pot with my noodles. “How long-”

“I turned it down a little.”

“Point Spike, and to answer your question… You’ll understand it more when you really get hit with that love-slap that makes you smile, but still has your cheek stinging.”

“I said I was sorry!” Twilight protested.

“I wasn’t talking about a literal slap, you ball of goof, floof, and magical poof.”

“Oh… Well, you’re… You’re a… A…”

“Take your time,” I couldn’t help but smile at her, “there’s no rush for now.”

“... That was so sweet, but it felt patronizing too…”

“Shite, to be honest with you, it probably was. Sorry, Cherry.”

I got a kiss for admitting fault and Spike just chuckled. “Life’s good.”

“That it is, Spike.”

“Dead on, little bruv.”

Spike hung out with us instead of just playing with my balls and even tagged in to help with the garlic bread, which turned out to be delicious along with the spaghetti. Dinner was a pretty chill affair since we mostly just talked about our pasts and things along those lines, keeping Spike in on the conversation and… Honestly feeling a bit like something I never really knew I wanted. I mean, yeah, love was always something I’d desired, but with Twilight being my girlfriend and her little brother technically being her kid… Then I kind of had my own little family to bond with and grow closer to. A pair of people to come home to and protect with every ounce of my power and admittedly limited influence. It was a quiet thought that made my heart warm.

Spike was quick to head to bed after I creamed him in pool and Twilight kept letting him win, but she only chided me for a single sentence about being so competitive against a minor. I shrugged and told her that I’d been fighting grown men at his age and that taking him as a real opponent in a game he really wanted was the closest I ever wanted him to get to living that part of my life. Twilight thought I was fucking insane until I explained that surmounting obstacles that seem insurmountable had taught me how to use my words to get what I wanted and how to go around the rules to make ends meet. She had to confess that it was an adaptable, survival-style mindset, though I understood why she was still a little annoyed that she’d had to lose every game in the night just to stay consistent.

Bribing her emotions with kisses was going around the rules, but she let me do it so...

After Spike had taken himself to bed and we’d had our brief chat, Twilight let me finish up with my journals and asked if she could read them. I hesitated for a second before handing the book to her. She stared at it before accepting it. “Wow… I never thought that you would just… Well, hand it over.” The shock on her face was a little funny, but I was still kind of nervous.

“I have no secrets from you, Cherry. That’s really all there is to it.” I scratched my temple with my thumb.

She fingered the spine and looked at the journal for a moment. “... Are you sure you don’t mind? Isn’t your journal supposed to be full of your deepest thoughts and feelings...?”

I gave her a crooked smile. “It is. Twilight, if you asked me about anything in those pages, I would tell you anyway, even if I hesitated. All you have to do is ask, and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

Twilight stroked the face of the book. “... Thank you. Should I skim or do a deep-read?”

“I like to think that I keep things detailed enough to warrant a deep-read. While you’re doing that, I think I might pick up with A Thousand Moments.” I went to go find where I’d left the first draft and brought it back into the living room.

As Twilight started to read, she made quick progress until she put the book down after about an hour and sat there, holding it to her chest as she kind of stared off into space. “... Max?”

“Yeah?”

“... The first thing you did in Ponyville was fight Rainbow Dash and the second was robbing Filthy Rich and his wife Spoiled Rich.”

“Oddly similar names-”

“They’re cousins, Max, but that’s not really… Not the thing I was worried about.”

“... I told you from the start that I wasn’t a good person, Twilight… I didn’t decide to change until you and Applejack decided to give me a chance.”

She reached up and stroked my cheek. “I understand, but… Max, you’re… Kind of a huge jerk.”

I sucked air through my teeth and tried to think of a defense. “I’m… Generous when I’m nice?”

“You are, and you’ve done a lot to make up for that, at least… And I guess you knew that Filthy and Spoiled could spare the bits, so nopony really got hurt or anything.”

“How far did you get to?”

“... Past the part where you think you know my little brother better than me.”

Argument incoming, time to pick my battles. “It just didn’t make a lot of sense to me that Dragons weren’t omnivores at least.”

“Well, I’m glad it makes sense now,” She replied softly.

I didn’t let it show on my face, but I wasn’t terribly fond of having my valid points ignored. “So where did you actually stop?”

“... The part where you met Celestia.”

I thought about it for all of two seconds and regret ate my arsehole like I was Kevin Gates’ cousin and he was trying to get them booty noodles. “Mm, that’s a thing I wrote.”

“Well, it was almost a year ago now…”

“It sure was, but uh…”

“Well… I guess I should appreciate you not commenting on what I used to wear to breakfast…”

I didn’t really know what to say. “Just thought it might have been normal in Equestria or something.”

“... And the way you wanted to punch Rarity for next to no reason?”

“I was in the early stages of trying to change, and my gut was right anyway. She fucked me over more than she ever helped me.”

“... Max, do you really think I’m cute?”

“So cute I have to be careful to not overdose on your affection, yeah.”

She giggled and held my hand to her chest, looking up at me as she let the laughter peter out. “... So I’ve always been that ‘special kind of interesting’ to you?”

“Yeah. I mean, Rarity was just a woman whose legs I wanted to dive between. You’ve always been a woman whose mind I want to dive into.”

Twilight giggled some more and squeezed my hand. “You are so weird, Max…”

“What makes you say that besides the obvious?”

“There are a lot of contradictory things about you, Max. You can be the nicest pony on Equus for somepony, but then you can turn around and make their whole month turn into compost with a few choice sentences. You don’t like fighting, but you’re nowhere near afraid to. You like a quiet life, yet you liven things up for everypony else…”

“I guess you’re into weird people, then.” I smirked down at her.

“Only the sensical kind.”

“Orya lika freekos?”

“What?”

“I said ‘I love you’ in American.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Well, I don’t know American. I’m English, Twilight.”

“Were those even American words, Max?”

“Depends on what kind. Some of them have Welsh-like Unga-Bunga brains. Kinda have to if they wanna drink Bud Light instead of actual beer.”

“What is Bud Light?”

“It’s goat piss in a can that they brew to make slightly alcoholic.”

“... You’re kidding.”

“Barely, Twilight. Barely.”

Cherry gave me a worried look. “You say that, but you don’t sound like you’re kidding at all.”

“Let’s just say I would rather have you piddle in a mug and trick me into drinking that instead of you tricking me with a Bud Light.”

“... Ew.”

“It was absolutely awful. They made me drink it cold at that.”

“Wouldn’t having goat… Fluid, cold make it less… Gross?”

“That’s why they made me drink it cold, Twilight. Brits drink most of our alcohol either lukewarm or slightly chilled. If you have to drink it so cold you can’t taste it, it’s not worth drinking.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, it wasn’t literal urine, just tasted like it.”

“... Why do you know-”

“Hey, fifty quid is fifty quid, and I don’t need your judgement on that.”

“... Okay, now I’m asking you to tell me that was a joke.”

“You do dumb shit when you’re fourteen.”

“Oh my gosh-”

“Oi, I have brushed my teeth a great many times since then!”

Twilight sat up and whacked my arm. “You did not drink an animal’s wee for money!”

“It’s better than doing it to prove something.”

“... You didn’t.”

The shit-eating grin on my face made her jaw drop. “They did!”

“Max! This is why you’re a jerk!”

I was busy laughing while Twilight was trying to be pissed off at me. “I didn’t tell them to do it! I just suggested that it would take a tough gal to drink bull piss!”

“You knew they’d take the bait!”

“Oh, big time. Rainbow was the dunce who convinced Applejack that she was gonna be the beta mare if she didn’t.”

“... That is so wrong, Max…”

“They’re both older than me, Twilight, and they both have their own careers, homes, and other adult shite. They knew that they were egging each other on to drink wee from a bull. They knew the one who didn’t was never going to live it down.”

“... Why didn’t Applejack just pretend!?”

“Because it’s dishonest!”

Twilight tried to be mad again, but a brave, struggling smile was starting to take hold of her lips. Even as she tried to fight the smile, she asked, “But why didn’t Rainbow!?”

“Because it’s cheating!”

She let the first giggle slip and couldn’t stop after that, letting me hug her. I got whacked anyway, but it was incredibly nice to have goaded her into laughing along with me. I got chastised again for being a prick, but when I asked if it was funny Twilight couldn’t deny that it was ridiculous and ill-advised to the point of being obvious that they shouldn’t have done it. That being said, I still remembered the looks on their face when they both puked. I might be a terrible person, but it made them stop taking my suggestions.

We continued doing what we had been long into the night, talking about some of the things Twilight had read so that I could elaborate further. She was surprised that I’d never had the same connection with Celestia that I’d had with her, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t really want to go to sleep and miss the extra time with Twilight, and she was enraptured by the inner workings of my mind, apparently. The more we talked, the more I felt like I knew what to expect up until Twilight asked if she could read a specific section of my journal. I flipped to it for her and she read my perspective of how fucked up she’d been while drunk and in estrus. She read the entry aloud with a bright blush on her face. She stuttered and stammered through it and I laughed my arse off, remembering the hours with no small amount of amusement. Twilight said that she only remembered bits and pieces of it and I reminded her that her drunkenness was the reason that we hadn’t had sex in the first place, which made her make the most adorable ‘Squee’ I’d heard in some time. I don’t know how Ponies make that sound, but I do know that Twilight is the best one at doing it adorably, although I might be a little biased.

I suddenly remembered to tell her that Noir said hello and Twilight asked if I’d done the sex to her yet. It wasn’t quite so blunt, but she was interested in the relationship forming between me and the ancient Alicorn. I assured Twilight that Noir respected our bond and the love I had for her. It was also important for me to add that she would most likely only make a move on me once she got permission from my precious Cherry herself, but even then Noir’s affections felt friendly and familiar, despite her blessings and endowments. She was beyond my league when it came to strength and speed, which made it fun to go against her because it was… Kind of like playing, I guess… Weird.

When I came across the thought, I mentioned it to Twilight and she seemed to like that and asked if she could talk to Noir sometime, though I didn’t know if that would be possible at all. I offered to tell Twilight everything I knew about my ‘evil’ little friend, and she closed the journal to give me her full attention. My busy work was dealt with and I set my shite aside to start on my list of observations and conclusions that I’d drawn about the ancient Alicorn.

Honestly, there wasn’t really all that much to go on. She hadn’t steered me wrong yet, and her advice seemed to be quite sound. Her willingness to accept that she messed up went a long way with me, and the fact that she’d been using information that I’d been ignoring to come up with solid solutions and advice made me respect her. That, and her honesty whenever I asked a question was appreciated, even if there were answers she skirted around or tried to soften. Noir seemed like a crafty, kind person to me, though I couldn’t help but remember Luna’s warning. I needed to feed Noir with a long handled spoon if I didn’t want to get bitten, but everything I’d seen from her so far told me that Noir was probably one of the most trustworthy people I’d ever met. It wasn’t just that she was a trustworthy person in my eyes so much as her being so willing to tell me bits and pieces of what she thought of me while not being afraid to tell a guy when he’s doing dumb shite.

Noir had yet to say so much as a half-truth to me and that meant a lot, considering the nature of our relationship. Although Twilight pointed out that she might be playing nice just so that she could turn the tables on me, I didn’t think that was the case. I let her know that the solid facts that I had about Noir were that she wouldn’t hurt Twilight or myself, though she might play pranks on me from time to time. Twilight asked if she could run the diagnostic spell that she’d asked to perform a couple of days ago and I let her do as she pleased. It took her about thirty minutes before she opened her eyes and beamed at me.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” Twilight stated cheerily, her smile sticking around.

“Bad news always comes first.” God, don’t let Noir have told her-

“Alright, so the bad news is that Noir doesn’t plan on sleeping with you in the alternate sense.” My girlfriend practically beamed the entire time she was talking. Oh. That’s… Great, actually… Thanks, Noir.

“Damn, and here I was hoping to dip my dick in some Dark Magic tonight. What’s the good news?” I asked, smiling more than I should’ve after hearing that I wasn’t getting laid.

“Noir is great! She obviously cares about you a lot, and even if she’s on the super-tall spectrum, she’s absolutely beautiful!” Twilight’s cheeks got a little rosy, but she didn’t appear to notice. “And she’s so well-spoken! Geez, I wish Noir was with me!”

“You’d have to die or come very close to it, so…” I shrugged. “Not happening. Not on my watch.”

“Oh, you’re so sweet!”

“If you say so. What do you think of her, besides just being pleasant?”

“Well, I think that Noir really, truly does care for you and your happiness, and she’s none too shy about starting a conversation about you. If her broken horn is anything to go by, then she can’t hurt you while she’s connected to your soul, so you’re okay there, but Noir though! She’s fantastic! I swear, Max, she’s like, the wisest pony ever!”

“Yeah, she’s absolutely brilliant in her own right, but she’s not my Cherry by a long shot. I wanted to ask why her horn was broken, but it just seemed like it would be in poor taste to ask.”

“I’m sure you could ask her. Noir is very forthcoming with information.” Twilight patted my leg.

“Nice to know that she likes you too. Did you talk about anything important?” I asked.

“We talked about you for a while and that seemed pretty important. Other than that, I just got to know her a little bit.” Twilight laid back down on my lap and levitated my journal.

“It’s nice to hear that you think I’m important. I know you love me, but it’s just nice to hear, you know?”

Twilight giggled. “Then I’ll be sure to tell you as often as I can, my handsome little Human.”

“Please do, my pretty little Pony.”

We both got a chuckle out of that. Twilight made writing the sappy bits of A Thousand Moments extremely easy since all I had to do was imagine that my main love interest was a male version of her. Come to think of it, I’d based my main character off of Roxy and the main love interest off of Twilight, and that was back from A Single Breath. Now that I took the time to analyse my writing, I realized that I’d already known that I was going to pick Twilight. At some subconscious level, Twilight had always been the one for me, and I laughed out loud at how long it had taken me to realize that. Twilight had always been my confidant and for a short time, my caretaker. I thought back to the times that Twilight had been there for me, and how she’d been willing to keep at it when she was learning how to work with me properly. Such things can be easily taken for granted if you don’t realize how difficult you really are at times.

Much to our surprise, the sun decided to show its bastard face and we’d forgotten to sleep. Since it was going to roll up on my block, I figured I could glare at it til it fucked off. I quickly made some Pitch Black Death™ and we sat on my back porch to watch the sunrise over the Whitetail woods. It was a little chilly, but I was glad for it since it incentivized Twilight to join me in my seat. It was one of the few times she’d ever actually sat on me, and I was absolutely thrilled, so I did my best to stay calm and enjoy the moment. Twilight commented on the pounding of my heart, so I told her that she was the reason.

After that, Twilight didn’t lift her head from my chest until the sun was above the horizon. Neither of us were terribly tired, so we just stayed up instead of trying to catch some paltry amount of sleep. We would have gone for a couple rounds on the billiards table, but we didn’t know if it would wake Spike up, so Twilight cast a muffling spell and we battled it out. I took the first couple rounds because I kept it up with the distractions, but Twilight eventually learned that I lose all focus when she touches me, so she abused that pretty heavily until I started fighting fire with fire. Twilight had cost me three shots in a row, so during her next shot, I took my chance. Twilight stood ramrod straight when I palmed her bottom and her shot went way wide, causing her to foul. She gave me the most adorable glare and told me that touching erogenous zones was cheating, but I told her that it wasn’t fair because everywhere she touched felt like one of those areas to me. Twilight wasn’t hearing that mushy mess, so she took the page straight from my book and touched my bottom during my next shot, but I had been expecting it. I’d taken my shot right before Twilight struck, though that did mean she ruined my follow through. By the time we’d finally got through the game, we’d basically molested each other the entire time and I needed some relief that I wasn’t going to get any time soon.

Twilight apparently felt the same way because her blush took a good while to fade, but we never broached the subject of sex or even our usual thing. It just wasn’t the right time. I did, however, try to channel my attention into making a better breakfast than Spike had made the previous day as a show of gratitude to the young man. I made sure to make his eggs nearly burned and his toast the same way while actually making Twilight and myself some edible food. Spike just so happened to wake up soon after I finished his food, so the three of us ate breakfast together before they took their leave from my home. I’d like to point out that they dined and dashed, but I was just happy that I’d got to make Twilight and Spike breakfast. Spike had done so for me plenty of times and Twilight always appreciated it when I made something for her, so it was time well spent.

With Twilight gone, I felt the long night start catching up to me, so I cleaned the mess we’d made and got my arse into bed before I could crash. I laid there for a while, thinking about nothing in particular when a letter flumed into existence from fire. I snatched it out of the air with ease and examined the seal on the letter. It didn’t seem like one I was familiar with, so I grabbed the Warbling Blade from my night stand and used it to preserve the seal, just in case I ever needed a forgery of it. The letter itself was a challenge against my honour from some prick named Prince Blueblood, though why he was challenging me, I’m not terribly sure. All the letter said that the guy was disputing my claim to my Barony, but why he was doing it wasn’t elaborated upon. I sent the bullshit to Celestia along with a note asking what the Hell I was supposed to do about it. Celestia found some time to write me back and told me that Prince Blueblood was her nephew in the same way that Cadance was, and that I could outright deny the challenge since she’d taken them out of the public eye some years ago. I told her that I planned on accepting it, but that I needed to know some details.

Basically, a duel in Equestria works how you think it would. Someone makes a challenge and the other guy gets to pick what the contest is going to be. My first thought was a knife fight with our wrists tied together since it was my favourite way to settle bad blood, but Celestia told me that she would have Luna spank me if I killed Blueblood, so that was a no-go. I suggested a game of pool as a way to settle it and Celestia told me to quit being an idiot, so I asked just what exactly she thought I should do if war and peace weren’t working for her. She suggested the knife fight, but with freedom of movement and I agreed because I was pretty sure that it was the best I was going to get from her. Celestia told me that she would set up the challenge in Canterlot in three days time, so I needed to brush up on my skills. I told sleep to go fuck itself and grabbed Nacht from my mantle on my way downstairs. Without an opponent, I was relegated to practising a few lunges and movement, but I kept at it since moving was the basis of not getting fucked up in a fight when you’re my size. After working up a sweat doing that, I hit the showers and did some meditating.

Noir met me in my old hangout, playing more Borderlands until she found a good place to pause. When she did, she rose and we found ourselves in the courtyard of the old castle and she changed her outfit to a simple Tee and shorts. I had a funny feeling that I knew where this was going, so I imagined a knife that would leave paint wherever it struck and found it in my hand. I created another and floated it over to Noir, and without another word, we both dropped into different crouches and rushed each other. Noir’s reach was far longer than mine, but frankly she was just too long to have much of a chance against me. Ponies aren’t known for being able to break ankles in a fight, so I busted out a little extra speed and some troublesome feints and hit Noir three times in one pass. She managed to land a glancing blow on my leg, but I was currently behind her, painting her wings and working my way around her. Noir was stuck in some form of purgatory since I just kept getting faster and faster, practically running circles around her, and by the time I was out of steam, Noir was mostly covered in red paint. I had a few splotches of orange paint on me from the occasional well-timed swing, but I could count them on one hand, so I wasn’t terribly upset with the results. We thought away the paint and Noir gave me a pouty look unbefitting of a woman her age.

“You cheated. Damn you Humans and your blasted toes!” Noir hissed

“Oi! Don’t blame me just because you didn’t have the evolutionary foresight to have feet. Besides, you’re faster than I am in a straight up race,” I reasoned.

Noir pouted some more. “It is not fair. These hooves offer no support for quick manoeuvres, such as your rapid side-hops.”

“Right. And you grapple in nothing but slow motion, Noir.” I rolled my eyes.

“That was different,” She protested.

“If you say so, Alicorn-Macintosh.” I gave her a cheeky grin

“There is a reason that there are only female Alicorn,” I raised a brow, “and it is because males simply do not know when to be silent.”

“Are you sure it isn’t because the female Alicorns are spiteful and killed them off? That seems equally likely to me.”

“First you gloat, now you accuse. I have half a mind to challenge you to a battle with swords, if anything, then for the purpose of humbling you,” Noir stated drily.

“What’s the fun in that? Why don’t we just have angry make up sex and call it there?” I asked, grinning deviously

“Because you heard your lover earlier. I am not sleeping with you in the foreseeable future.”

“Can we put a condom on your horn and shove it up my arse?” I asked quickly.

“... Why are you able to say things like that without thinking about it?” Noir asked cautiously.

“It’s the power of removing my filter, love. You know the things I’m tempted to say, but never do.”

“I will not put my horn anywhere near your posterior, so do not worry about me taking up that offer,” Noir assured me.

“Thank you, I knew you’d get that I wasn’t being serious, but you never know sometimes.” She nodded. “So what do you make of this whole challenge thing? Did I make the right choice in accepting?”

“I would never suggest that you back down from a challenge. How else are you to know your strength other than to challenge and to be challenged in turn?” Noir smiled and sighed dreamily. “I remember the days when I would accept all comers and smite them readily. None other than my sister could best me in battle during my prime, and even then she lost as often as I did.”

“Alright Miss Warbound, calm down. Do you have any suggestions for me? I mean, I know I’m going to carve this fucker up like a Christmas ham, but is there anything I should watch out for?” I asked

“Few people of Equestria know what Dark Magic feels like, so if Blueblood uses magic against you, feel free to give him the Dark Glare to make him cease his faggotry.”

“Are we seriously calling it the Dark Glare? That’s cheesy as fuck.” I protested.

“And you would prefer giving someone the Black Eye?” Noir huffed.

“More like a Black Eye, but you get the drift. Come on, that’s pretty clever if I do say so myself.” I grinned.

“... It is not bad, I’ll give you that. Give Blueblood a Black Eye, and he will fall like a sack of tubers.” Noir nodded along with her words

“Does that include carrots and parsnips? I don’t think I’ve seen a parsnip while I’ve been here.” I commented.

Noir gave me a look. “Why do you care so much about a parsnip? You never liked them, Maxwell would only eat them when he was in a mood, and the only fun thing you ever did with one was carve it into a pipe.”

I imagined a bathtub and filled it with weed because I could. “Here, now you have something to play with.”

“All I did was mention a pipe,” Noir sighed.

“You should know how my mind works by now. I’m a little scatterbrained up here, and it shows when I can create what I’m thinking about.

“It is interesting to see what you come up with, I will admit, but I find mental inhibitors to be- NO. Not just no, but as you would say, hell no.”

My old bong, Sinbad, was in my hands and the most brilliant smile I could bear was on my face. “Give him a try, Noir. Open your heart to my son, Noir. He will love you as I do.”

“If you drop this topic, I will guide your hands the next time you draw so that you can give a glass-blower an accurate schematic for a recreation of Sinbad.”

I made a noise of some kind that I probably couldn’t replicate. “You’d really do that for me?

Noir glanced at Sinbad uneasily. “If it gets me out of this: happily.” I tossed Sinbad back into the ether and charged Noir for a hug. She’d been expecting it, so she held her ground and reciprocated it. “Why having another way to consume marijuana makes you so happy, I will never fully understand, though I am glad that it does.”

I buried my face in her chest because Noir is fucking tall and that’s about all I could reach. “Thank you!” I said into her jiggly bits.

She patted my head and pushed me away. “You are welcome. I would like you to keep in mind, however, that you can induce an altered frame of mind while here, but you must keep a fail-safe. If you are too intoxicated, you will be stuck like that until you find your totem.”

“So keep a Life Alert necklace on while I’m tripping, if I ever decide to while I’m in here. Gotcha. If I come in and you’re super fucked, what should I look for?” I asked.

“I will rarely induce more than a mild buzz from the various wines and liquors you have consumed. The way you taste them is odd to my palate.”

“I’m sure it is since I’m a completely different species and all. Have you tried my favourite yet?” I inquired.

Noir thought up a bottle and a couple of glasses. “I cannot get a feeling on whether or not you wish to partake.”

“Well, if it’s in my mind…”

She nodded and poured both glasses. With a quick toast to the Dark Arts and being lonely together, we sipped the wine and my stomach started hurting. Noir took my glass from me and drained both at the same time as if she was a suburban mother of three, but unlike said mother, she didn’t chase it with a Xanax.

Noir hit me. “Why are you likening me to a stereotype?”

“Oi! I didn’t actually say anything, so why are you hitting me for my thoughts?” I asked irritably. “It’s not like I have any control over that. I just drew the comparison.”

Noir blushed. “Because it simultaneously implies that I have an issue with the consumption of mind altering substances and that I am a ‘cougar’.”

“I’m sure you’re not an alcoholic,” I said sarcastically, “but you are technically a cougar if you have any intention of sleeping with me in the slightest. I mean, aren’t you older than Celestia? She was a cradle robber already, but you’re not even waiting for the pregnancy to be over! You’re fucking the sperm!” I cackled.

Noir crossed her arms and glared at me. She didn’t have to close her eyes to change the scene this time around, and we ended up in my old Headmaster’s office. I’d seen the room many times in my life for fighting during school hours, but I’d only been there for stealing once, and even then they hadn’t been able to pin it on me. Of course, I’d stolen a lot of crap during my school days, but I’d never got caught for any of it. Call it my natural creativity when it comes to hiding stolen property

Noir donned a smart, ash grey pant suit, tied her flowing mane into a bun because fuck physics, and sat down behind the Headmaster’s desk. Unfortunately, this was from primary school, so the seat she had me sit in was miniscule. I had been tempted to conjure up a throne to fuck with her, but I decided to let her have her fun. “Maximus, do you know why I have called you here?” Noir asked critically.

“N-No Headmistress, I-I don’t,” I mocked

She picked up a meter stick and rapped my knuckle from across her desk. “I will not tolerate your nonsense. You called a woman old to her face, made the most disturbing analogy, and compared her to another woman, all in a few sentences. How do you expect to grow into a productive member of society if you can’t respect women?”

“Gee, teach, I’m awful sorry about my insolence, I’ll try to keep it down to sexual harassment.” I drawled.

Noir intensified her glare. “That’s even worse.”

“Just so we’re clear, if I said that your outfit fulfilled one of my fetishes, would that be sexual harassment?” I asked cheekily.

She went to swat my knuckle again and I moved my hand. “That’s it! You are receiving detention for the rest of this week!”

“If I promise to give you the best dick of your life, will you let me off the hook?” I grinned.

She threw a stack of sticky notes at me and I lost my shit. Noir joined me shortly after and threw the fake glasses that she’d been wearing at me too. Once we finished being fools, I led Noir around the old school and tried to give her a decent tour of it, but she corrected me more often than I got a teacher’s room right. It was still pretty cool to see some of my memories again, but it wasn’t necessarily all good. I missed my old home, but I was glad that my new one was satisfactory in more ways than England had been anyway. Noir took me by the school’s old library to cheer me up, and seeing that my mind had actually been paying attention to the titles of these old things was remarkable. There was a shelf full of books that I could read, but there were stacks of those that I’d never taken the time to look at. When I picked from those stacks, the covers were the same colour as the spine and had the title splayed across the top in the same font. Opening those books presented blank pages, so throwing them around trying to break windows was pretty fun. Noir teleported us out of there before I could fuck around any more.

I took her to go get some ice cream at my favourite little shop. Noir told me that I could play back a memory if I didn’t want to go behind the counter and bother with it myself. I wondered just how the shit I was supposed to do that, but tall, dark, and sweet said to just close my eyes and think real hard, so I did. Much to my surprise, it fucking worked. I saw the employees inside whose names I’d never bothered to learn milling about just as I’d seen once upon a time and got my ice cream. It was odd since I didn’t remember the conversation I had with the girl working the counter, but she went through the motions and laughed at jokes I hadn’t told. I was surprised to find that I’d got her number on the back of the receipt, but I never remembered whether or not I called her. Noir told me that I never did since that was around the time I’d started seeing Maggie.

We talked about something else after that.

It’s not that things ended particularly badly with Maggie, it’s just that I’d lost her due to my lifestyle and inability to hold down a real job. She’d been my first love and I’d tried to make things work, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. I later learned that she’d got addicted to heroin and sought her out to see if I could get her off of the junk, and I did. We spent a few more months together before she relapsed and fell off of the face of the planet. I spent months looking for her and even hired a P.I. to help me find her, but to no avail. A few months before coming to Equestria, my search ended and I moved on with my life, but I still remembered the good times with her. Noir suggested that I try saying goodbye to her too, but I thought that it was unnecessary since I had Twilight to fill my heart now.

Before I left, I asked Noir why there were time limits on our time together and she told me that time just wasn’t the same in my mind. There wasn’t much more to go on after that, but Noir told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about it too hard. I parted with Noir and wondered what I should do with the rest of my day. It was only about six, which meant the Sun was on its way down. The days would start to get longer soon, but until then I was still relegated to trying to make the most of the lacking light. Hopefully the next day would be as warm as the weather mares had predicted. It was supposed to be nice enough to wear a dress if Rarity’s news was trustworthy, so I went out back and found the massive pile of mostly rotten wood that I’d constructed so many months ago. If the weather held, I would go into the forest with Twilight the next day and start dragging out dead trees so we could have some fuel for the fire. The pile was still damp at its core, so I would probably have to have Twilight start the fire unless I figured out some way to do it myself.

I wondered if I could just find a larger cardboard box and convert it into a tinderbox when I realized that Twilight wasn’t the only one with a well of magic. I drew the Warbling Blade from its sheath and concentrated my Dark Magic into it. It turned a few shades darker since I hadn’t given the magic any direction so far. I wondered if there was a way to heat it up, so I closed my eyes and focused on imagery of fire, but all I could feel was the cool breeze that had persisted all day. It seemed to pick up slightly, but other than that, I didn’t notice any changes, so I opened my eyes and looked at the blade. It had changed form while my eyes were closed and I hadn’t even felt it, but the blade wasn’t the fucking handle anyway. My knife looked normal except for the fact that the air around the blade was wavering and that the blade itself was now serrated. I never did like serrated blades.

After finding a piece of wood nearby, I tried cutting it with the Warbling Blade and found that it sheared through the wood like a hot knife through butter, which wasn’t the desired effect. I tried stabbing the wood and willing it to ignite, but that didn’t work either, so I tried imagining that the blade itself was on fire. An entire slice of nothing happened, so I gave up and went to go see if I could cut down a dead tree in the Whitetail Woods. I didn’t have to go far to find one, and once I did, I used the serrated blade to cut gouges out of one side until the tree seemed like it was ready to fall. One good whack with my psychic tentacle, and it fell like so many blades of grass. Y’know, it was just this one was much tougher and taller. It was too heavy for me to drag, even with my telekinesis, so I took a few good swings at it with an axe shape to the tentacle. A few whacks made good progress, but It was easier and faster to just slice away at it with the Warbling Blade and knock it over. It was still a sharp magical thing, so I tried making it longer using some good ol’ fashioned brainpower. I got an extra couple of centimetres out of it, so I tried again, but it wasn’t going to get any longer. I cut chunks out of the fallen timber until I could break through it with my telekinesis which sent splinters flying everywhere. It was cool in a pointless destruction sort of way.

With my tree considerably lightened, I dragged the halves out of the forest one at a time and broke them down further around the old pile of wood until I had a massive stack of tinder and kindling. I’d had to light a smaller pile to give me something to see by and that hadn’t been terribly difficult, so I went back inside, cleaned up, and wrote notes out to my friends and people that I liked that I was going to have a bonfire tomorrow. Twilight wrote back and told me that she and Spike were definitely coming, and that Pinkie and Rainbow said that they were going to try.

Lyra and Rarity both sent back notes telling me that they’d be there, so I already had a few people coming. Thankfully, I kept a massive store of marshmallows because I think they go well with coffee and cocoa, both of which I drink constantly during the cold months. I needed something else that could be roasted, so I asked Twilight what other kinds of things could be eaten at a bonfire. She sent me back a list of various vegetables that were good roasted, so I went into town and picked out some random shite because I’m difficult like that sometimes. There were a few out-of-season peppers and some jalapeños that Carrot Top, one of the local farmers, grew in her greenhouse because she was fond of them. They rarely sold to anyone other than me, so she usually let me have whatever I wanted from her personal stores at a good price, despite the shit being magic-free and exotic for the area. Carrot was smiley as usual, and even though the gal was plenty cute I just didn’t really feel the desire to take her little hints seriously. With some casual flirting that I purposefully tried to come off as a little cold for, I asked her if there was anything else that I should get for roasting. She rolled her eyes and asked if I’d ever heard of a carrot, potato, or parsnip and I told her I was going to cram a tuber in the valley where the sun doesn’t shine. I got a raised brow and asked if I was a carrot or a parsnip, to which I let her know that there was a record for a thirty-six kilo sweet potato and a five-point-five metre long parsnip. She stared at me and I asked if she was calling me fat. Carrot tiled her head and then I asked if I was too fat for her to see all of me normally.

I got told to ‘buck off’, but it was cool because she called me a ‘white chocolate banana’ immediately after, which was all I needed to hear.

There was still more shite I had to do, so I fucked off because I wanted to and not because I knew she was going to watch my arse as I left. I mean… To a point, I understand now more than ever why women take longer to choose an outfit and get ready in general, though that might be because of my days as Roxy. Don’t get me wrong, looking good just to be the dog’s bollocks as I generally am was my usual default, but there were the days when I put forth the extra effort to catch an eye just for the sake of feeling a little more confident or attractive. It certainly seemed like one of those days and it made me think for a sec on my way to Sweet Apple Acres. What was the purpose of dressing nicer than I usually would? Other than sheer vanity or seeking some manner of approval, I couldn’t really think of a reason and the Puritan got a fucking point on me. Not that I cared, thus I stole the point from those lame fucks and tucked it into my pocket, daring them to burn me at the stake for witchcraft. Wankers could get slapped for bitchcraft, but now I’m off my topic. It’s also my own journal, so kill yourself if you’re not me, Twilight, or maybe Noir.

Seriously.

Rude cunt. Reading my personal shite.

Fuck you.

Anyway, I was smiling like a loon down the dirt path to the farmhouse because I was entertaining the hell out of myself. It was a good day for a long walk and there were even winter-apples still on the trees. I hadn’t understood when Applejack explained it to me way back when, but honestly? Knowing that the apples that grew during winter tasted more like the ones from Earth was weird and I ended up having Granny make me some preserves, though I didn’t tell her why. She also didn’t ask and just gave me some odd look, so I think she knew anyway. In any case, I met Apple Bloom at the entrance of her home and was happy to catch her, even if it wasn’t going to be long. She gave me a hug, as had grown to be her usual greeting for me, and unlike I’d expected at the start, I’d actually come to tolerate it. However, I never really thought it would make me smile and muss her hair up on sight, but I couldn’t say I was in any way upset about being another sibling-figure for AB. Real sweetheart, she is.

However, as I was saying, I got glomped as soon as she stepped out of the house. “Heya, Max! I wasn’t expectin’ to see you ‘til family night!” I let her go, but she wasn’t quick enough to avoid getting her mane messed up. “Dammit…”

“Language-”

“Uh, Max-”

“I’m well aware, but you’re a better person than I am, Bloom. Also, when I get in trouble for swearing, it’s my fault. When you get in trouble for swearing, it’s my fault. See where I’m coming from?”

“Don’t swear so much. Easy fix.”

“Why don’t you just get as tall as Macintosh-”

“First off, not happenin’. We both know that.” I shrugged. “Second, stop mussin’ up my mane! What am I, eight!?”

“About four-eight, I’d say. Yeah.”

“... I’m four-six.” I bit my lips and nodded. “What’s wrong with that!”

“Apples are not known for being tall fruit. You are not meant to be a tall fruit, love, but being tall isn’t everything.”

“You just think you’re hot stuff because you’re only shorter than Big Mac.”

I raised a finger and thought about it. “... Twi and Rares are the same height, Flutters is a little taller than AJ, and-”

“Yeah, Max, Pinkie’s the actual average height for a mare her age. Twilight loves it when you call her short.”

“... Because she is, but damn-”

“Language.”

“English, you familiar?”

“What?”

“Not now, Bloom, I was trying to make a point, which was that I evidently like the tall women of Equestria.”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like height matters.”

“Mm, it can to a man, to be honest with you. I mean, Celestia was nearly half a foot taller than me and kisses were weird. Nice at the time, but weird all the same.”

“It’s still insane that you done dated the Princess.”

“A Princess, and I got to touch Luna’s bum.”

She tilted her head. “... Why does that matter?”

“It doesn’t, I just like to brag to people who don’t care because it makes me feel less arrogant about it.”

“... I love ya, but you’re a weirdo.”

“I’m still quite literally the only Extra-Equusian being you’ve ever met.”

“Fair point, but I got a clashin’-point!”

“Counterpoint.”

“What you said, but pretend I said it!”

Macintosh poked his head out of the door. “Hey.”

“Oi, sup mate?”

Apple Bloom looked at her brother. “Big Mac, ain’t Max-”

“Hasn’t Max,” He and I chorused, smirking at each other.

“Y’all are like puttin’ a candle out in a glass jar with a lid.”

“And you’re short,“ I countered.

“Shorty.” Macintosh with the alley oop!

Apple Bloom shook her head. “That doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that Max done had-”

We got her again “Has had.”

“... Max has had enough time to get normal.”

“Ouch.” I rubbed my chest.

Macintosh, the traitorous opportunist that he was, hit me with. “Eeyup.”

“Big Red, you’re hammered.”

“Buzzin’.”

“When aren’t you?”

“... I dunno.” He shrugged.

Apple Bloom stood there while her question got subtly squashed. “Hell, try grabbing a Detox Potion and see what the sober life is like when it doesn’t make your head hurt.”

Macintosh stared at me. “You’re hammered.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Haven’t been this sober since my first days in Equestria, bruv.”

He nodded. “How is it?”

“Pretty weird, not gonna lie. I’m so used to having to try and not slur my words-”

“You are a lot easier to understand,” Apple Bloom chimed in.

“... If you weren’t sixteen- Actually, you can drink at sixteen in my country, so sod off, shrimp.”

“Dirt off?” She looked at me funny.

“... Weren’t you doing something?”

Macintosh chuckled and disappeared inside. “Same thing as always, bub.”

“Do you think anyone would be terribly pissed off if I just up and told you what you were good at?” Apple Bloom gave me a dirty look. “Oi, AB, it’s not my fault no one lets me tell you. I mean, you’re good at-” At hand met the back of my head and I whirled around to see Applejack glaring at me. “Oi!”

“Mhm. Don’t pay him no mind, Apple Bloom, Max is full of hot air, manure, an orange peel, and not much else,” Applejack chided. Well, fuck you too!

“I wanna hear what he has to say! If Max knows how to get my Cutie Mark, why wouldn’t I listen?” Apple Bloom protested.

“Yeah, Applejack, why wouldn’t she listen?” I parroted sourly, rubbing my head.

Applejack gave me a womanly look that promised words in private. “Because findin’ your special talent ain’t somethin’ that a pony can just tell you how to do. You gotta find it for yourself, Sugar Cube.”

“Right,” Apple Bloom and I chorused, our looks indicative of our collective opinion.

Applejack blushed and cleared her throat. “So Max, what brings you over? Your party ain’t until tomorrow, right?”

“It is not, but I need some apples so I can jam a stick into them and roast away,” I said bluntly.

“Well, let’s get a move on then. You can pick some or just buck a tree. Bring whatever you grab back here and we’ll haggle out a price.”

I flipped her a twenty bit coin. “A bit an apple sound fair to you?”

“They’re usually two per. Got anything smaller on you?” Applejack asked.

“Consider it a tip for the pleasure of picking my own apples. I’m sure you understand.” I gave her a little grin.

“Keep it up buddy, and I’ll buck you back to Hearth’s Warming Day.” Applejack threatened playfully.

“That actually doesn’t sound all that bad. Getting kicked back to the day when people are giving me presents sounds like a bit of fun actually.”

Applejack swatted my shoulder “I can make it happen anytime Sugarcube, just give me the word.”

“How about… Now!” I gave her a cheeky grin.

Applejack and her sister both rolled their eyes. “Somepony’s havin’ a good day. What happened to you?” Applejack asked.

“Fell for Twilight face first. It’s been a real mood booster, honestly,” I grinned.

“So you and Twilight are officially only seein’ each other now?” Apple Bloom inquired.

“That’s the gist of it. Twilight’s not always up for hugs and snuggles, but she doesn’t mind if I say, come tackle Applejack and give her a good squeeze. Twilight’s the only one I need, but I think she might like seeing me be friendly in general.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me as her little sister put in her two cents. “Well, I get that. If ya need a hug, ya need a hug, and Twilight usually don’t like ponies bein’ too close to her.”

“Not in general, no.”

“Ain’t you just about the same way?” AJ asked, happy that my metaphor worked.

I shrugged. “Depends on the person, and I usually prefer to see someone before they start putting their mitts on me.”

Firefly beamed at me and wrapped my lithe frame up in a bone crushing hug and waved me about in the air for a bit. “I’m so glad to hear you and Twilight took the next step! I knew you and Twilight had somethin’ different, but I didn’t want to lose any bits on the pool.” She put me down.

“Pool?” I wheezed. “Were you betting on who I’d end up with?”

“Well… Ya really weren’t supposed to know about that.”

“I don’t really care. It’s not like it directly affected how Twilight and I got together.” I stretched and shook it off. My bones felt awfully compressed.

Applejack nodded. “And Twilight gets the pool anyways. Darn it, I shouldn’ta been so cheap!”

I patted her shoulder. “You win some, you lose some. You lose everything you don’t try for, however.”

…

I didn’t even think about it until it was out of my mouth and Apple Bloom was practically singing, “That’s what I’ve been sayin’~”

While I don’t know what look Applejack gave her, I knew I was done with her shite for the moment. “Go climb a tree, quarter quart.”

“That’s worse than half pint!”

Applejack sighed. “Not going over it again. Go get your apples.”

“Do you mind if I go with him, sis? If I’m with Max, everythin’ should be okay!” Apple Bloom asked.

“That’s more up to him than it is to me.”

Applejack’s day had clearly been ruined, but I figured I could at least get her a little time away from the tough questions. “I don’t mind. I’ll watch out for her like my own, AJ,” I promised.

“Good, cause if you don’t, I’m gonna skin ya alive.” She warned.

“Fucking Christ woman, I thought Ponies were supposed to be nice!” I rubbed my chest.

“Only when it don’t involve family, buster. Bring her back safe or I’ll see you in Gryphonia.” Applejack patted my shoulder and went inside.

“Will do, AJ.” I called after her. Apple Bloom beamed and joined me as I walked through the orchard. “AB?”

“Yeah?”

“... Stop nagging your sister-”

“Max, you-”

“I fuckin’ meant it.”

“... Sorry.”

“It’s okay… But it’s a slap in the face every time someone brings it up. I shouldn’t have said what I did and wouldn’t have if I’d thought about it for half a second.”

“... Love is hard…”

“It is when you’re dumb about the things you want.”

“... So…”

“What’s on your heart, love?”

“... I think Spike likes Sweetie Belle more than me…”

Tch, dunno ‘bout that, but I’ll be damned if you’re right. “Don’t really see why he would, but then again, I’m not Spike as evidenced by my lack of scales and fire-breath.”

She giggled at that, but still sounded a little put out. “Yeah, but… I just don’t know what to do…”

We walked on for a few minutes without a word between us. The silence was loaded, but I didn’t have advice for her. “... Apple Bloom, I truly don’t know what to tell you. I’d prefer it if you stuck it out, but I don’t want to see your heart broken. If I could stick Sweetie Belle in Rarity’s shop and keep her there, I sure as fuck would, but that’s not how life works unless you’re a piece of shite.”

AB had herself another little laugh, but I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “... Just something I gotta face for my own.”

I patted her shoulder. “There aren’t many mares I’d trust as much to make the right choice as you, Bloom. Keep your head up. Your path might not be clear, but you’re more than smart enough to walk it safely, and tough enough to weather the storm.” She looked up and gave me a small, warm grin. “Have faith, Bloom. The threads will come together and weave something beautiful in time.”

“I feel like this is one a’ those times when ya mean twice what ya say.”

I got a chuckle out of that and we carried on. We chatted for a little while, but most of the things she had on her mind involved either Spike or Sweetie Belle, and I wasn’t sure who she talked about more after a certain point. It was pretty obvious to me that she’d grown to like the idea of sharing Spike with Sweetie Belle. So much so that when they came of age, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were polyamorous. As much as I despise Sweetie Creep (from what Spike tells me), I know my little brother wants to be with her but Apple Bloom though! The little gal is great! Like a copy of her sister with darker hair, a lighter coat, and ten times as much fire in her belly, I swear to fucking God. ‘Firebrand’ was hand-crafted for Applejack, but ‘Firecracker’ was her little sister in a nutshell. The way she explodes into action from a complete standstill? I understand why Spike likes her, I just wish he was only into Apple Bloom.

Speaking of Apple Bloom and her daily life, she was probably the most interesting thing in town after Pinkie and the pumpkin memorial statue. Whenever something happens, it’s the girls doing something halfway retarded like casting a Want-It-Need-It spell on a doll, dressing up like some masked heroine to take one of their own friends down a peg, or competing for business with some out of towners who straight up stole Applejack’s apples. They’re always doing some fucktarded shit that I try to stay in my house and avoid, but nothing that makes me look terri-bad for hanging out with them ever happens. It’s not like I care about my image that much, but seriously, the Gal-Pals or rather, the Galloping-Palominos, are all fully grown-adults pulling half-witted shit all the time. Apple Bloom could give half of them a run for their money in common sense.

All bitching aside, they’re cool when they’re not retarded.

As it was, Twilight’s doll still hadn’t shown up and she missed it terribly, so I was probably going to have to kick arse like I’d done to Skum and Skam, or whatever those fuckfaced swindler’s names were. It was on my list to get her doll back one of these days unless some kid had it. I would happily steal it back since it’s stolen property in the first place, but Twilight had told me that she would avoid me for a week if I did that. Avoidance is a powerful punishment since Twilight can fucking teleport, which is completely unfair, as I have pointed out every time she threatened to do so. My words were often met with dull looks and a raised brow, which was also an unfair response. Twilight quickly learned that if she could get her point across with looks and gestures, I couldn’t twist her words. It didn’t help at all that she’d been picking up more obvious tells to let me know that she’s mad, and it’s very difficult for me to ignore. It’s a bullshit hack and she knows it, so I torture her as much as I possibly can within reason.

Nothing had ever come of the Flim-Flam/Skum-Skam fucks and Rainbow Dash stopped showboating so hard. She still gets a little out there with her stunts, but I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Rainbow always does that, no matter what anyone tells her, so it’s best to just let her do whatever she wants away from town. I’ve seen Rainbow botch a landing, clip a tree, and just straight up crash on numerous occasions, though I only remember her ever actually being hurt like, once. Twilight gave her some books to read and she pretended not to like them for a while, but it was painfully obvious that Rainbow liked an ‘egghead thing’. If it was any more childish, I would have spanked her over it

While I was walking with Apple Bloom, I had so much time to completely tune her out with my thoughts that I didn’t realize that she’d suddenly stopped being next to me. I whirled around and looked for her, but I couldn’t see her, even under the plentiful light of the Moon. I called out for her since I didn’t see her and heard a reply to my left, so I headed in that direction, though it had been awfully faint. I kept calling out and I heard another reply that sounded like Apple Bloom, so I kept heading in the general direction of the voice until I found the source. As it turned out, it really was Apple Bloom, though I’d had no idea how she’d got so far away from me. After a quick scolding about ditching people when it’s dark out, Apple Bloom took me to a part of the orchard that had some fruit that was sweeter. I didn’t know how she knew and I wasn’t going to ask, so I just picked my apples since whacking trees is stupid unless you’re trying to cut them down Once I had my twenty, I rather wished that I’d brought a basket with me. It was a little chilly in the dwindling light, so I was lucky I’d brought a jacket with me to help carry my supply.

After dropping Apple Bloom off at her house, I skirted around town, heading toward my own home through the country road that connected Fluttershy’s to Applejack’s. I would’ve gone through town, but I just wasn’t feeling it, hence the indirect route home. Nothing happened on the walk home, other than the fact that I saw a couple of ducks at a stand on the side of the road. It seemed to have had lemonade at some point, but the sign on top of the stand had been crossed out in favour of grapes. I didn’t think there were any vineyards around this part of Equestria, so that was a little odd.

The ducks quacked at me as I passed, so I imagined that they were looking for some trouble. I was tempted to duck a fuck up, but Fluttershy would choke me to death and beyond if she found out that I was randomly picking fights with random animals, defenceless or not. I kept the peace and ignored the meaningless quacks coming from the water fowl in favour of getting home so that I could start putting shit together for the party. It didn’t take long for me to get back to my house and put my apples on some empty counter space since I had plenty of it. There may or may not have been a need for potato hash, so I got some started and wondered if some roast duck would brighten up the party. Those ducks had made me a little hungry, but not for anything I had in the pantry, so I went upstairs and found my secret stash of dried meat that I never told Lupa about. I only took a piece out since it was the last of my protein, and I wouldn’t have a chance to get more until I went hunting again. I made a mental note to do that again sometime soon and chewed on the tough fibres of my jerky. The taste wasn’t amazing, but it was meat, so it was better than pretty much anything else I could have consumed.

I visited with Noir before heading off to bed, though all we did was play some games, board and video. Noir is a pleasant person to pass time with, oddly enough, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that she’s too good to be true. I mean, instead of some Dark Magic bullshit that will kill me slowly, I got something that wants to keep me alive and happy for as long as it can, which is pretty weird considering that Nightmare Moon is supposed to be one of the most evil things around. Of course, I was worried about Noir eroding my emotions until I was a husk, but if she was truly focused on trying to keep me happy, then she would tell me when I needed to go talk to Luna about having the effects reversed

Basically, I either had nothing to worry about, or everything to worry about.

I lie awake in bed at night, thinking about my life. I did want to be different, though I was more concerned with contemplating whether or not my current happiness was a beautiful lie or a very lovely truth. Doubts spun around in my mind and I shot them down as best I could, but there were just too many of them to regain the peace of mind I had earlier. I was feeling pretty uncertain about my future, so I sent Twilight a quick little note, affirming my love for her and wishing her a good night. I didn’t even need a reply to feel better: I just liked letting Twilight know that she was on my mind. Love is weird.

Despite my doubts, there wasn’t any room for one pertaining to Twilight. My gut, heart, and mind all told me that Twilight felt the same way about me as I did with her, so I trusted myself enough to trust her if that makes any sense. Despite the worries I had about nearly everyone else in my life, there were none that I had about Twilight, though I did worry about her getting hurt while I wasn’t around. It wasn’t the same as constantly wondering what the next card she was going to pull would be, or what her problem would be for the say. While I was thinking about her, Twilight sent me a note back along with a picture that had been taken earlier of her and Spike, so I looked at it for a while before putting it on my night stand. I’d have to see if Pinkie wanted to help me put together a scrapbook or something sometime since I had so many pictures without a home. I put the thought in the back of my mind and tried to get to sleep

Nightmares weren’t uncommon if I slept alone, and they usually came if I’d been worrying before bed. That being said, the dream of the night was mostly unsettling rather than terrifying, so I settled for laying back down and doing a lot of nothing until I remembered that Noir had told me that I could draw up some schematics for a replica of Sinbad. That was a pretty important thing to me, so I grabbed some paper and got started in my study. I somehow knew what I was supposed to draw and how to do it, it was just that getting it down on paper was fucking brutal due to my general lack of ability. I’d never been able to draw worth a damn, and it didn’t make much of a difference if I could perfectly remember every detail that I’d ever known about Sinbad if I couldn’t get it onto paper. It took me twenty-seven and a half tries, but I eventually managed to get a decent schematic of a bong on paper. I’d given up on the intricacies of my son after twenty attempts and swore that I would find a way to bring him into this world one day. I also drew some pictures of a stem and a bowl for said stem at various angles, though I wasn’t certain about the measurements. Beyond a rough idea that Noir confirmed as somewhat accurate, I didn’t have much for whatever poor sucker I paid to make it to go on, if I could even find such a fellow. He didn’t necessarily have to be a sucker so much as someone willing to do some trial and error.

At ten, I had some visitors in the form of some stallions I’d never met. They told me that they’d been commissioned by Celestia to remodel my bathtub and I nearly blew my load right then and there. I asked the gentlemen if Celestia had already paid them and when they said yes, I offered to pay them double if they would give her money back. The lead stallion was rather hesitant to accept my offer, but I pulled out a special, fake hundred bit coin and offered to flip him for it. I asked to call it since I was the most invested. I called heads, and what do you know? The foreman told me to flip again and I called heads once more since I like to get it from time to time. The result was the same and he told his three compatriots that they were going for drinks after they finished at my place. If these guys hadn’t been sent by Celestia, I probably would have warned them that I would know if they didn’t refund her, but since they had, I figured that they were probably decent dudes. I offered them some cocoa, apple juice, and coffee while they worked and I’m pretty sure one of the guys thought I was trying to get gang-banged or something. I was just trying to be nice to some people doing great work in the world, so I was a little offended at the fellow’s assumptions. That, and I’m far too classy for a gang-bang of any kind; I’m more of a small orgy kind of deviant.

Jokes aside, between their magic and willingness to tear my bathroom apart, they got done by the time I came back from doing some better shopping. There was a little more variety in the morning, but it was still the tail end of winter in a small town. If there wasn’t anything being grown, then there just wasn’t that much to get outside the speciality stuff, which was never as good as regional shite anyway. I was lucky that Carrot Top remembered to get some more bell peppers from her garden for me, which meant that I was going to be making stuffed peppers. I’d gone shopping for some cheese to make them and some tomatoes to make a half decent salsa. Luckily, the necessary ingredients had kind of just been placed in my pantry over time from multiple shopping trips and needs for specific recipes. While the dudes upstairs were working and I was shopping in town, I asked Pinkie to come over and help me prepare for my party. That is, if she had the time and the inclination. Much to my pleasure, she agreed as long as she could use my kitchen to make the baked goods she’d planned on bringing anyway. It was a win-win in my book, so Pinkie gathered her crap and met me at my house an hour later.

Somehow, Pinkie knew how to make tortilla crisps with a cast iron frying-pan, so I made some salsa and we both agreed that it could be a little hotter. I sacrificed half of my remaining jalapenos so my salsa would have a decent kick to it and Pinkie whipped up an adequate amount of rather tasty flour tortilla crisps. I thanked one of the cultured thirds of North America for its gift to humanity and Ponykind with much aplomb, snacking on said gift while helping Pinkie get her stuff together. She made chocolate chip cookies that were only baked enough to hold their shape, cupcakes with icing inside, a cake that she iced a picture of Twilight and myself onto with a surprising amount of skill, and two pineapple upside-down cakes. I have no idea how Pinkie knew that I loved them, but she did and I devoured mine like I was actually hungry or something. There’s always room for more cake, dammit.

The party was set to start at seven, and Pinkie and I had finished at six. For some reason that I really don’t give a damn about, Twilight showed up early and helped us clean the kitchen so that I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed about keeping a dirty house. I rewarded her efforts with plenty of affection, and I gave Pinkie one of my better jazz records for helping me fuel the party. It was a shared interest of ours and I always kept an eye out for the good stuff, like Jot Colt-Rain, or Dewey Strongarm. The parallel names killed me, but their music was almost as good as the originals’, so I dealt with it. I’d actually given Pinkie one of Octavia’s albums, though I didn’t give her the one I’d got signed. Breath of Night was probably her best work so far and granted that there were only three full albums, Octavia’s music just held something different for me. Pinkie stored the record in her hair (somehow) and bounced along outside to give Twilight and I some time to get everything set up outside. I had some folding tables in my shed, so I had Twilight and Pinkie help me set those up on the porch so we could have the food outside. It was a little annoying that about three quarters of the outdoor space was now closed in, but it would probably be nice for those languid summer days.

Pinkie fucked off because she’s not allowed to set things out any more after the incident with Fluttershy’s cupcakes. That catastrophe ended with everyone in the room having a cupcake stuck squarely onto their nose, and I had been one of those people. The cupcake was good, but no one had offered to lick the frosting off of my face, so I considered it a net negative. And Fluttershy cried, but don’t ask me why since the mess was only on people.

At my house, no one was crying and cupcakes weren’t flying until Twilight organized the baked goods by sugar content, and I waited patiently for her to quit being OCD so I could have her light the fire. She grabbed one to go and I had to fix the positioning of the cupcakes, but after that we were off. Twilight did a little fire spell in the middle to get things started, and Pinkie blew on the flame to get it started. It was completely unnecessary since all the wood had died long ago and had been sitting out to dry for some time now, but it looked kinda cute, so I didn’t bother her.

We cheated to get my outdoor furniture around the fire, but by that time, people had started showing up and I had to greet them, so wasting time walking each thing out a door and down some steps sounded like some bullshit I wasn’t dealing with. The Apple family showed up first, and Applejack was mad at me for letting Apple Bloom wander off the night before. I’d dodged her fury up until now, but at Apple Bloom’s insistence that it had been her fault, Applejack let me off the hook. I would have taken the hit for Apple Bloom’s sake but Applejack and Macintosh don’t like to change targets too often, so their little sister was stuck with her choice. That, and she’d been the one to fuck off as well as being old enough to watch her damn self.

Still, I gave Bloom a cupcake for being a decent teenager and wondered if the rest of the Gal-Pals had been such late bloomers. I went off to talk to Rarity and Sweetie Belle, though neither of them were people I’d actually wanted to see. Me still being English meant that I had to treat my guests at least decently, but damn did I want to skip their invitation in the first place. Spike had spent the day with them, unfortunately, which explained why he hadn't shown up with Twilight. Scootaloo popped in a few minutes later with Rainbow Dash, so I took her to the side and spoke with her about some things that I’d been curious about. None of those things were terribly important, just how she felt about the budding romance between her friends and Spike. She’d told me that she’d seen it coming from a mile away and had started going it alone more often. It saddened me to see that she was being excluded from the group more and more, so while there was a lull in the arrival of guests, I had a word with Spike and asked him to think of ways to keep Scootaloo in the scootaloop.

I’m guessing Twilight just has a sixth sense for when I’m up to my machinations because she came to find me right after I’d finished having my word with Spike. She just wanted a kiss apparently, so I happily gave her one before she told me that Lyra and a woman named Bon-Bon had arrived. I greeted them and sent them off to go mingle with the others, but before I could get properly introduced to Lyra’s girlfriend, Fluttershy dropped in with two mares who had rather familiar colour schemes. Celestia and Luna had come in disguise, so I assumed that they were in their alter egos, Soleil and Moonlight. Neither were terribly creative, but the Ponies were dim enough to fall for it, so I introduced them to the party.

With most of the people I’d invited present, the party started. I allowed Pinkie to DJ since she was adamant about doing so and went around having a word with everyone. Macintosh and Applejack asked if they could spike the punch and I told them to go for it as long as they could keep the kids away from it. I was assured by the eldest Apple sibling that the kids would pick something else once they tasted the kick, and if they didn’t, at least it would be fun to watch. I told them to make it nice and strong, which was received with devious smiles. I thought that I might actually have a sip or two since I knew I was safe around my friends, but the more I thought about it, the less it appealed to me, so I went inside and located the half cigar that Twilight and I had yet to smoke, struck a match, and went to go find Twilight.

She came to me once she smelled the smoke and we passed the pungent herb back and forth for a little while. I was feeling awfully pleasant by the end of it and stood with Twilight, watching the fire blaze on as we blazed on. We walked around and chatted because I was the host and I was probably supposed to, but then we had some new arrivals. I’d been hoping that Fleur and Fancy would be able to show up despite the short notice and I was quite glad that they had. I’d actually invited them to stay the night since it would have made no sense for them to head back right after coming, so I assumed that they’d already put their bags inside. That kind of irked me, but they were allowed to do what they wanted as long as they didn’t put their shite in my room. I pardoned Twilight and myself from a conversation about who wore the pants in the relationship to go greet the older couple, though there was no need for introductions.

“Fancy! Fleur!” Twilight called out once she saw them. She rushed over to give Fancy a hug. “It’s so good to see you two!”

I followed her at a much more sedate pace. “Hullo Fancy, Fleur. I’m glad you could make it.”

Twilight let Fancy go and moved onto Fleur who said, “Well, we had a gap in our schedule and figured that we could meet you at your home for once.”

I shook hands with Fancy before he pulled me into a hug. “It’s good to see you again, old chap. I must say, I’ve missed having your perspective on the happenings of Canterlot.”

I reciprocated his hug and said, “I’ve been meaning to get back, but the last time I went I was a wreck and no one wants to see that.”

Twilight rejoined me. “It was pretty rough, but Max made it through, just like he always does!” She beamed and kissed my cheek.

I may have blushed a bit. “Well, I had some help in that regard.”

Fancy and Fleur exchanged a look. Fleur cleared her throat and asked, “So, Max... Where is Rarity? I thought you two were getting along quite nicely.”

I gave her a look. “She doesn’t know what she wants, but she knows she wants it from me. I don’t want anything from her I can’t get elsewhere with less trouble at that.” Twilight stared at me. “I don’t like Rarity more often than I do like her. You know that.”

“Max…”

Fancy puffed out a chuckle. “I daresay I saw it coming. There’s a certain spark in relationships such as the one you had with Rarity that was not present.”

Fleur gave me a sultry smile. “And she was doing her best to ruin the good will associated with your name, though there are whispers in Canterlot…”

Fancy gave me a bright smile. “What say you give an answer to the question roaming around Canterlot, eh?”

They bunched together and Twilight gasped. “Has it gotten that far already!?”

I jumped since she fucking shouted, while fucking touching me. “Oi!”

“Oops! Sorry, Max, I forget about your hearing sometimes.” She blushed and laid a hand on my arm, getting close to getting herself kissed.

“Oh? I’m rather surprised that you’re okay with it, Twilight,” Fleur commented.

My sweet little girlfriend gave her a strange look. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s a little embarrassing, but I’m proud of Max and being able to call myself his fillyfriend!”

“Oh, that is so cute,” I groaned. “Someone get my insulin, I’m going into a sugar coma.”

Twilight hugged my arm and got her kiss, which was fucking lovely until Fancy said, “Then I’m sure you’ll give that spoiled nag a proper lesson!”

I stared at him. Twilight stared at him. I leaned forward. “... Beg your pardon, bruv?”

He tilted his head, looking at me like I’d insulted his significant other. “Blueblood, Maximus. Your duel with Prince Blueblood.”

I legitimately thought he’d lost his mind. “Wha- Who the fuck is that cunt?”

“Accurate, and a strange miscommunication, I would say,” Fleur tittered, all too amused by the mix up.

Fancy’s brow furrowed. “Blueblood is many things, and boastful is one of them. He’s been entirely too prepared to run his filth-ridden tooth-holder about your legitimacy as Baron.”

“Shite, depending on what he’s saying, he might not be-” Twilight hit me. “Why? What did I say?”

“Max, you can’t undermine your own authority!”

It dawned on me. “That cunt! Yeah, yeah, I remember that little piss-pot now! All up in a huff about a Non-Pony being in charge of ‘his subjects’. What a fuckin’ twat, yeah?”

Twilight’s gaze caught my attention and it wasn’t a stupefied stare for once. No, she was about to be pissed if I said the wrong thing. “... Did you accept his challenge, Max?”

Sneaky-sneaky Sneeki-breeki, hoping this is not too cheeky. “For what purpose would a man accept the challenge of another, Twilight? For a sense of pride, perhaps? But then one would have to ask themselves within their own realm of experience, ‘what is pride?’. From there we go to question the nature of hubris itself and the flaws found well and true throughout the concept itself. Why would someone have hubris? What would make someone so prideful as to think themselves above another? I pose this to you, Twilight Sparkle; What is the volume of Golden Oaks library and how much marshmallow fluff could fit inside? It’s a question of your pride.”

She lowered her head and put a finger to her lips, walking away while muttering to herself. I didn’t understand a damn thing she mumbled, but the look on Fancy’s face was priceless. “... Did- Did that really just-”

Fleur patted her cheeks, flipping her hands to feel them with the dorsal side. “That really just bucking worked…”

“It’s an art, but yeah, I’m gonna stab him if I can. Luna’s bet me fifty bits I couldn’t, so…”

They nodded and we chatted for a while before a particularly cherry-toned cutie laced her arm through mine. “… I need to go measure the library...”

Fleur facepalmed and Fancy awaited my response with my girlfriend. “Eh, we can save it for a rainy day unless you’re so prideful that you can’t wait.”

“W-Well… When you put it like that…”

“Stay humble, Cherry, it’s my job to be arrogant.” She sniffed at that. “It’s also my job to wax your horn, so-”

“Not happening, Mister.”

“Damn.”

Fleur had herself a little giggle at that, mischief in her features. “Why, Twilight, it would almost seem you have Max trained.”

“I can reel him in with kisses and coffee, but it’s going to be awful if I ever have a cold.”

“Don’t let her fool you, she’s already bossing me around,” I added blandly.

Fancy seemed to be willing to let me get away with my shite. “That is the way these things tend to happen. If you ever need some advice on how to get out of the doghouse, I’m only a letter away.”

Fleur swatted him. “You say that like I’m some sort of evil mare.”

“I dunno, they say the most beautiful people do the most horrendous things.” I jested. Twilight pinched my rib meat and I flinched.

Fancy sighed. “Don’t they just abuse you so until you can barely put a hoof in front of the other? I swear, mares can be the cruellest beings.”

I nodded sagaciously. “They most certainly are. Twilight even slapped me for trying to be romantic once.”

Fleur rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you weren’t at fault in the slightest.”

Twilight huffed. “He was! If he’s talking about what I think he’s talking about, then he snuck up behind me in my lab and picked me up while I was experimenting!”

Fleur made a disapproving noise. “That sounds awfully dangerous, Max.”

Fancy nudged her. “I’m quite sure that Max would have waited until Twilight was no longer handling dangerous chemicals.”

I nodded. “I most certainly did. I waited fifteen minutes for this woman to have empty hands and my patience was rewarded with a slap that echoed through my soul.”

Twilight squeezed my hand. “I apologized!”

Fancy shook his head. “The damage is already done, my dear. Once you strike your beloved, they will never forget it, no many how many times you beg their forgiveness. Such is the way of love.”

Fleur nodded. “I agree. I still remember the time Fancy slapped me when he was coming home from a mission. I’d tried to sneak up and give him some affection, but when he turned around, all I could see was an animal in those eyes.” She said fearfully. If you get any faker, you’ll get arrested for impersonating yourself.

Twilight went to her and offered some support. “I’m so sorry Fleur! Stallions can do the cruellest things, can’t they? I remember there was one time that Max grabbed me by my throat and pinned me up against the wall in a rage, and I know what you mean when you say you saw an animal.”

Fancy and I traded a look. “I assume you were absolutely inebriated?”

“I was... Ah, fuck, I think eighty-some odd hours in on a bender and Twilight snapped at me to sober up for once.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I deserved it, she didn’t, but I ‘woke up’ before I could make me hate myself twice as much.”

Twilight came back and held my hand. “I shouldn’t have hit you first, no matter how upset I was.”

“I shouldn’t have been that sloshed that long in the first place. Forgive to learn, as I should probably start saying.”

Fancy nodded. “The bottle can swallow a stallion whole and spit him out a different pony than he was before. You’ve been on the wagon for some time, no?”

“Around a month now, yeah.” I grinned. “How could you tell?”

“It’s this dark out and your eyes are bright. You’ve either truly fallen in love or you’re free from that haze.”

“Why not both?”

We ended the conversation shortly after for the time being, though we were all eager to pick up an alternate topic for the after-party. I introduced Fancy and Fleur to the rest of the invitees, though I couldn’t help but notice that they were odd ducks in the group. They eventually joined ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ along with Rarity for a conversation, so I took Twilight over to meet Lyra and Bon-Bon for a moment. Twilight was spacey while not around other people, but when I asked about it, she directly inquired as to the density and expansion of the marshmallow fluff that would fill the library.

I love her, but Christ!

Lyra was the first to notice us approaching and saved me from answering by saying, “Hey! Over here!”

She waved at me and I waved back. “Hullo, love. Sorry we didn't get to talk much earlier, but I’ve been trying to keep everyone smiling and cheery.” I nodded to Bon-Bon and extended a hand. “It’s nice to properly meet you, Bon-Bon.”

The pale yellow mare smiled and shook my hand. “Likewise. It’s nice to meet the Baron and even nicer to be invited to one of your parties!”

Twilight chuckled. “He doesn’t throw them very often. I think the last time he planned to have a bonfire, he got lost in the Everfree a couple of days before it was supposed to happen.”

Lyra was taken aback. “Seriously? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” She asked me.

“Because it never came up in conversation, that’s why.” I shrugged. “I got out of there alive, so it’s not like it was a big deal.”

“How long were you in that horrible place?” Bon-Bon asked in hushed tones.

“A little over a month. I spent so much time there, I eventually gave up hope of coming home.” I shrugged again. “Luckily I got over that nonsense, but at least now the Everfree is scared of me.”

Twilight let go of my hand and patted my shoulder. “He says that, but he never wants to prove it.”

“You say that like I’m going to put your life in danger by taking you into the Everfree. I might have made a name for myself, but I’m not putting you in harm's way just to prove that I’m super cool,” I chided.

Lyra looked at Bon-Bon. “I’m with Twilight. I think you should back up these claims!” She grinned.

Bon-Bon gave her some serious side-eye. “... I’m with Max. There’s no way in Tartarus that I’m ever letting you go into that forest if I can help it.”

I stood next to Bon-Bon and patted her back. “I like you, you have sense.”

She gave me a smile and a one armed hug. “I can’t say the same for you since you went in there in the first place, but I respect that you’re so protective of Twilight.”

“I can totally deal with that.” I went to go stand next to Twilight. “So how long have you two been together?”

“Oh, a few years now. Every once in a while somepony messes up and we go our separate ways for a day or two, but we always come back to each other!” Bon-Bon beamed. Is now a bad time to mention that I went down on Lyra?

“It’s usually me who messes up, but Bon-Bon always gives me another chance. So far, I haven’t made the same mistake twice!” Lyra grinned.

Twilight ‘awed’ and I chuckled. “That’s a good way of looking at it. It takes time and effort to truly understand someone, and it’s great that you two are willing to work with each other to keep the good times rolling. They say all is fair in love and war, and that’s because love can certainly feel like a battle,” I said.

“He means that he’s happy for you girls and hopes that you keep doing well,” Twilight translated.

“They got the point! There was no need for that,” I huffed very masculinely.

Lyra raised a brow. “I just thought that you liked that we have problems every once in a while.”

Bon-Bon shook her head. “That’s silly. He was saying that we’re willing to take time and think about each other’s actions, and that it’s a good thing.”

I chuckled. “Wow, Bon-Bon, it’s almost like you aren’t prejudiced because of Kobold’s and Krypts or something.”

She tried to give me a look while resisting a smile, but Lyra said, “Oh, hush!”

“Mhm, there’s nothing wrong with Kobold’s and Krypts, I just can’t find anypony willing to play.” Twilight folded her arms and looked at me.

“What?”

“Lame-o.”

“Damn Ponyville ‘mares’ and their derp.” I muttered to myself.

“What was that, dear?” Twilight asked.

“I said that I was lucky to have someone as balanced and magnificent as you,” I lied. I mean, I honestly felt that way, but I still lied.

“That’s so sweet! So what did you really say?” Lyra asked.

“I asked if I could sniff your-” Twilight shut my mouth with magic.

“And we’re done here. We’ll talk to you again soon.” Twilight beamed and started dragging me towards ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’.

After a minute or so of having Twilight lead me around by the hand, I dug my heels into the ground and upset her balance mid-step. Twilight fell backwards, so I caught her and dipped her like we’d been dancing. It was a cute little gesture that got a few ‘aww’s and put a blush on Twilight’s face, so I reminded myself to do more cute things so Twilight knew that she was the only woman on my mind. While I was still holding her, I stole a kiss and put a smile on her face, so it was extra nice for me. In any case, I’d already told Cherry about every woman I’d been with, so when we came up to Celestia and Luna in their disguises, she was a little confused about them since I’d never mentioned them to her. It was awkward since Twilight was the only one out of the four of us who didn’t know who ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ really were, and if we had been under normal circumstances, I’m sure we would have let her in on the little secret. Unfortunately, Twilight still felt rather betrayed by Celestia, so it was for the best that we keep things under wraps. Fancy eventually took me aside and asked who they were, and I gave him one good guess. He got it in one since he’d known who ‘Soleil’ was already.

The party carried on for a little while, but at one in the morning, the majority of the teens were ready to take a nap since Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were drunk while Bloom was kind of tipsy. Apparently Fluttershy had sneaked them some punch, but Spike couldn’t physically get intoxicated from alcohol, so he finished off the punch. I myself was still pretty high and looked forward to learning a little bit more about the development of a Dragon so I could smoke with Spike worry-free. In any case, with all of his age-group nearly hammered or halfway to being drunk anyway, he passed out hugs and took to his room in my place to get some rest. Some of the older party-goers were ready to get home and into their own houses themselves, so the party wrapped up and I started handing out the party-favours I’d got for everyone; Illumin-alls! Little torch-like things that gave you a solid beam of light to see by!

Everyone save for Twilight, Spike, Fancy, Fleur, Soleil, and Moonlight left to go home with their gifts and I bid them all goodbye one at a time. Luckily, outside parties were pretty easy to clean up when you have a fire still going hot, so I tossed any refuse that lie around onto the still roaring flames with Twilight’s help, though it’s not like we didn’t have a sack for rubbish anyway. I would have liked to stay outside and watched it until it died, but it had got a little chilly outside, so we moved the party indoors. I stopped by to see Spike and he was already out cold, so I got Twilight an update and earned a kiss for thinking for myself. Thinking of it, I was probably going to be his brother-in-law within the next couple of years. Knowing that Spike would likely be one of the people I’d know for the longest was wild since he was so young, but Spike is a fucking Dragon. He’d outlive everyone just like I would, and I didn’t know

I’d taken everyone down into my wine cellar so they could pick out something that they wanted to try. Fancy had gone straight for my liquor ca-… Well, it’s not so much as a cabinet as it is a wardrobe full of hard liquor. My liquor wardrobe. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. In any case, Fancy grabbed a bottle of Zap Apple Jack, and I warned him that it had magical properties and was stronger than he would think. Fancy assured me that he could handle it as long as I took a shot with him, and since the guy was like an older brother to me, I agreed. Twilight picked out her favourite plum wine, which just so happened to be from one of the vineyards that ‘Moonlight’ adored, so they agreed to share a few glasses. Fleur and ‘Soleil’ went with something white and dry that I’d never been particularly fond of, so with everyone having their pick of what they wanted, we went back upstairs and found some crystal ware for our beverages.

I poured Fancy and I our shots, but when I went to lift mine, my hand shook uncontrollably. I set the shot down and lifted my hand again, but it was perfectly fine. I took that as a sign that I should pass my shot off to ‘Soleil’ who downed it easily in my stead. Fancy was a little disappointed that I couldn’t drink for the time being, but I assured him that it was for a very good reason. Thankfully for everyone, no one pushed me to find out that reason, though it was only Fleur and Fancy who didn’t know why at this point.

Around three or so, ‘Soleil’ asked if I’d ever had that hot tub installed and I grinned like a fool. Once it had been mentioned, I went upstairs to check and see how the dudes had done, and they’d done damn decently. My tub looked slightly different since it now had a control panel and jets in it, but other than that, it looked like it once did, just bigger. I had no doubt that I could comfortably fit all five adults into the tub with room to spare, so I went back downstairs and had everyone come up. I had to present the beauty that was my tub as it was, and offered to let anyone who wanted to have a soak. Twilight said that she hadn’t brought a bathing suit with her, so I forestalled any further objection by telling her that she and I were the same size when I was Roxy.

Maybe it’s because she’s spiteful or because she thought it would be amusing, but Twilight turned me into Roxy and I sighed. I reminded her that I’d bought multiple bathing suits so I could see myself in each of them and Twilight gave me a look and asked if I was cuter or if she was. I told her that she was and asked her why she’d suddenly gone crazy. ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ both excused themselves from the bathroom and came back, changed and ready to roll. Fleur was ecstatic that she’d packed bathing suits, just in case, and she made Fancy and I admit that packing for any and everything had been a smart idea. It meant that she had seven bags in one of my guest rooms, but they could still get in the tub, so all was well.

I picked out a nice one piece that I had thought was sexier than Noir in lingerie, or at least it was sexy when I’d got it. Although it had been my first choice, Twilight had wanted it for herself since it covered more. I let her have it and went for a royal green two-piece that was just as super hot on me, but would’ve been hotter on Twilight since she could fill it out a bit better. It wasn't like I was stressed for choices since I’d picked everything out based on how much I wanted to fuck myself in it, but still.

Is it a sin to lust after yourself?

Twilight had me wait outside while she changed because she was shy like that, and when she came out, I felt my face heat up and my stomach turn into a mass of butterflies. She looked fucking great, and through the fog that was my arousal, I remembered that Twilight and I had practically the same figure. That being said, she filled out the bathing suit a bit better than I did in the rear area. I didn’t realize I was staring until Twilight waved a hand in front of my face.

“Sorry love, what now?” I said, shaking my head to clear it.

“I said you might as well take a picture!” Twilight covered her chest and huffed.

“I might. Honestly, I am so tempted,” I said conversationally.

Twilight turned her back to me, so I went into the room to go change. I couldn’t figure out how to tie something behind my back, so I used the unique power of puppy dog eyes to get her in the room so she could tie me off. I took that opportunity to have a quick little make out session with Twilight since she’d gotten me all hot and bothered in the first place. By the time I pulled away from her, Twilight was giving me some seriously lustful eyes.

“Roxy, I need you to not do that tonight,” She intoned breathlessly.

“Is it something I did?” I asked nervously.

“No, trust me, it’s just… You know…” Twilight looked away and swished her tail a couple of times.

“If you’re trying to get me to look at your butt, all you have to do is tell me.” I grinned. When she gave me a womanly look, I raised my hands in defeat. “I’ll stop, okay? Just don’t look at me in that tone of voice any more.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “That’s impossible. I’ll look at you in whatever tone of voice I please.”

I wrapped an arm around her side and she stiffened up. “While you’re gazing upon my sexiness, follow me back to my room so we can get in the hot tub already!”

Twilight unwound my arm and held my hand. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

I gave her a look and her blush intensified. We didn’t bother saying anything else since that would have delayed us further, so we went into my bathroom and joined the rest of the party. The honour of sitting in the tub first was mine, and Twilight followed closely after. ‘Soleil’ still got to be one of the first ones into the tub, so I was willing to bet that she wouldn’t complain. The rest of the plebe- Well, patricians, filed into the tub shortly after and I hit the jets. Much to my pleasure, there were a couple on the back of my seat in particular that I hadn’t noticed. I examined the control panel and saw that there was a button labelled ‘Secret Jets’ that I was interested in, so I pressed it and eyes shot open around the tub. Nobody moved for like, three full minutes except for Twilight who had started when the jets had come on. I chuckled when I realized that ‘Moonlight’ hadn’t moved either and I realized that Twilight was the most innocent one out of all of us present.

“Roxy!” Twilight whispered into my ear.

“Yes, Cherry?”

“Can you feel that… That?” She asked anxiously.

“Yes. Yes, I can,” I sighed shakily.

She looked at me, then around at the group. Fancy and Fleur were both having a chat with ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’, so we were pretty much unnoticed. “I-It doesn’t bother you?”

“I think it feels rather nice.” I said, struggling to keep my voice steady.

“But… What if somepony notices?” She asked softly.

I sighed again and moved off of my jet so I could speak properly. “It’s on for everyone, Cherry. They’re either enjoying it or they moved.”

“... I haven’t seen anypony move,”

Welp, don’t bring a virgin to a hot tub full of sluts. “If you don’t like it, then I can turn it off. It’s not like I’m going to sit here and let you continue to be uncomfortable.”

“... I-I want to try it.” Twilight said anxiously.

I reached out and grabbed her hand under the water. “I think I felt a little recess in the nozzle of the jet. You can probably turn it down that way, just try not to be too obvious.”

Twilight tried to do so subtly, but she couldn’t have been much more obvious about it if she tried. After two minutes of being politely ignored by everyone, I reached over and turned it the right way, feeling the pressure lessen. Twilight turned bright red since my hand was touching both of her thighs and was quite close to something more intimate, but she stayed still until I got the nozzle turned down. Twilight resumed her usual position, but the blush on her face didn’t fade. I took her hand again and squeezed it to reassure her, and she opened her mouth to thank me. There was only a little squeak that I found to be absolutely adorable, and so did Fleur who was looking pretty rosy herself.

The only people who weren’t bright red at this point were Fancy and ‘Soleil’, but I was sure that was because ‘Soleil’ had plenty of practice hiding orgasms and Fancy was a former guard, so he was used to the ‘suffer in silence’ thing. I couldn’t tell if my face was flushed because of the water or the jet, but either way, I was enjoying myself immensely and I was getting close. Twilight was closer, evidently, because she tried her best to crush my hand before letting out some adorable little whimpers. I whispered that she could just turn the nozzle off completely if she couldn’t handle it, but it was too late. Twilight let out a low, soft moan that I outdid by a mile, garnering the attention of the other five people in the tub. Sadly, I hadn’t actually got off, but sacrifices and all that.

“S-Sorry,” I stammered purposefully. “I-I guess I wasn’t expecting the jets to go there.” I shifted a bit in my seat so that the jet was on my thigh.

“Don’t worry, dear, I’m sure that we understand.” Fleur said with a smile.

“I’m sure that being the opposite sex has left you a little more sensitive to certain stimuli. It must be an odd transition, Ma-er, Roxy,” Fancy comforted, absolutely full of fucking shite.

“Fancy is right. I know that when I tried transforming into a man, I had a hard time walking straight.” Soleil chuckled.

Twilight squeezed my hand and I gave her a smile. “Sorry, Twilight. Didn't mean to embarrass you.”

She gave me a blank look before she snapped back into reality. “Oh! Don’t worry about it, Amour, I understand!”

I grinned at the pet name and gave Twilight a quick peck. “So who likes the hot tub?”

“I’m having one installed the moment I get home,” ‘Moonlight’ sighed.

“Agreed. I need one of these in my life,” Fleur chimed in.

Soleil and Fancy were quick to add in their acceptance and encouragement, so I took the time to shift back onto my jet while they were talking amongst themselves. I didn’t miss the look Twilight gave me and patted her thigh under the water. I could feel that she’d turned her jet off, so I was wondering what the look was for until I felt her hand grab mine. She gave me two squeezes which I assumed stood for ‘Thank you’, and I gave her three back for ‘No problem’. I think she misunderstood it, but that wasn’t important at the moment, so I settled back and waited until I reached a real orgasm. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth so that I wouldn’t make a sound, but ‘Soleil’ had other ideas.

“So, Roxy,” She grinned deviously. “What made you want a hot tub slash bath tub?”

“Oh, you know. Just saw an opportunity for some fun,” I replied unsteadily.

“Really? Are you sure this wasn’t one of your whims as a bachelor, or rather, a bachelorette? I’m sure you can imagine having a cornucopia of eligible mares in here.”

“No, none of that. Just wanted a hot tub.” I replied. I was climbing another orgasm and I really didn’t need her shit right now.

“Well, at least you can enjoy the comforts of a spa at home.” ‘Soleil’ teleported the wine that they’d been drinking downstairs and some glasses. She poured one for everyone except for me, preferring to fill my glass with a liquid that I wasn’t too sure of. “I propose a toast: To Max or Roxy! Whatever he or she wants to be called right now!”

There were chuckles and glasses clinked together. I found out that my beverage was actually white grape juice, which was tasty, though I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child in a gathering of adults because of it. I reminded myself that I’d shagged two of those adults and was working on a third, so I stopped feeling so childish after that. Shortly after the toast, ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ took their leave, stating that they had some stuff to do in the morning and that they shouldn’t have stayed as long as they did. After magically (and lazily) changing their clothes they teleported back to Canterlot, which left Twilight, Fleur and I in a tub full of warm water and probably a lot of every woman’s own love juices.

I convinced everyone to leave the tub shortly after that realization, though I had the tact to not mention my revelation.

Fancy and Fleur fucked off to go change, thus I let Twilight browse through my clothes so she could find something that she liked. I just picked out some sleepwear that I thought I’d never get to use. It was a nice gown that went to mid-thigh and happened to be sexy, so I threw a light robe on over it and waited for Twilight to come out of the restroom. She’d picked one of my button downs and a pair of my sleeping trousers as her clothing for the night, and I couldn’t help but find that to be rather attractive. It was a fact that I let Twilight know as soon as I saw her. She complimented me on my robe until I let it fall.

“So? What do you think?” I asked, doing a twirl, the semi-sheer fabric of the gown catching the light. “You like?”

The lust had returned to Twilight’s eyes. “I like.”

I stopped showing off, knowing that there was a reason for her change in attitude. “Are you okay there, Cherry?”

Twilight approached me with a grace that I had seen from her on a select few occasions. “I’m perfectly fine. You know, why don’t we just tell Fleur and Fancy to have a good night? We can talk to them in the morning… Max.” Twilight had come quite close and walked a couple of fingers up my collarbone.

“... As much as I would love to, and I assure you that I’m not lying, we have an agreement.”

“And? I’m approaching you. That’s all that had to happen, right?” Twilight pouted.

“That, and you have to not be in estrus,” I scolded gently. “I know you want to now, but-”

Twilight cut me off with a kiss that was passionate from start to finish. I struggled to keep up with her as Twilight pushed me back until I met too much resistance and fell back onto the bed. “Forget all that, won’t you? I want you now. You might not get another chance like this, you know.” She placed her hands on either side of me and gave me some serious bedroom eyes, knowing that I hated missing out on good opportunities.

“I’ll take that risk, Cherry, but-” I’d taken her hands, but Twilight wasn’t having it.

“Roxy, you don’t know what estrus is like! It’s the constant need to find somepony to take care of you for a little while and it doesn’t go away unless you find somepony or you wait for the week to end!

“Sounds a lot like puberty,” I stated drily. More kindly, I said, “I’ll tell you what, Twilight. If you let me stay as Roxy, we’ll have a nice little after-party to cap off the night and bish bash bosh; Bob’s your uncle; a little relief for you and a sip of wine for me~”

Twilight gave me another long kiss that filled my head with warm, fuzzy static. When she pulled away, she was barely a handful of centimetres from my face. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart, Cherry.” She beamed and I took a moment to compose myself in the restroom while she went downstairs

I looked at myself in the mirror, knowing damn well that I couldn’t decide whether I was happy or hating myself. Being with Twilight and having her be so forward about it… Fuck… Her Mum had fucking asked me specifically not to let estrus blind her into fucking rather than making love, and I liked Velvet enough to listen to her. That being said, lesbian sex didn’t have to be penetrative and Twilight’s g-spot wasn’t too deep at all, and on top of that, my fingers were fucking tiny as Roxy, so I didn’t have to worry about hurting her… Still, I’d helped Twilight out with estrus plenty of times, but there was something extra turning her on during this one and it somehow wasn’t as aromatically noticeable. With that in mind, I splashed some water on my face and tried to figure out what I was feeling, but I decided to settle on happy since I was going to get that intimate time with Twilight, as rare as the occasion was.

When I came downstairs, I found Twilight and Fancy discussing a round of pool, though Fleur deigned it unworthy of her time to play since she knew she was about to get absolutely violated by Fancy and Twilight. Me being one to accept any challenge decided to hop in, so I set up a game of Cut-throat for us, and this time, there were no teams. Twilight was the first one out since Fancy was familiar with her play-style, and I got Fancy because I’d outmanoeuvred him. Even with that in mind, it was a tough win because the other two people at the table were cunts with the cue.

The next round, Twilight got her revenge because she got to shoot first. Fancy and I got a shot apiece due to Twilight’s savagery on the table, so during the next match, I shot first and we took more shots at Twilight’s balls than at each other’s. The threat was the clearest with Twilight, so we kept her nice and subdued until she got to shoot first again, which killed Fancy and I handily. I’d noticed that when my favourite Unicorn dipped so much as a toe into estrus, her acuity in things requiring hand-eye coordination went through the goddamn roof, and billiards was no exception. By the end of the night, Twilight had taken more one-on-one games than anyone else, and had even done pretty well in Cut-throat despite Fancy and myself doing our best to wall her as much as possible. I was proud that I had such a profound pool sharp by my side but I was smarting pretty well from being beaten so handily. My pride was tempered by no small amount of frustration.

I gave Fleur and Fancy the freedom to pick whatever room they liked, and Fleur decided that they would take the room right next to mine. Of course, I had no idea how well that was going to work out for them if they planned on sleeping, so I subtly advised them to take another room, despite my walls being relatively thick. Fleur was persistent, so I had Twilight head upstairs in order to have a quick word with them, though she was reluctant to leave my side. I assured her that I would be up in a moment and I collected some chuckles from the peanut gallery, a kiss from Twilight, and a pre-game energy boost in the form of more juice.

Once Twilight was out of earshot, I said, “You guys realize that she’s in estrus, right? I can’t promise that it’ll be quiet, so you might want to switch rooms.”

“I agree with Max. Twilight is like a niece to me, and I really don’t want to hear any more than I have,” Fancy stated, turning a little green. But you’ll sit in- Max, no. No, bad. Shut up.

“Oh, but you don’t mind if I eavesdrop a little, right?” Fleur asked. And that’s incest-y.

I gave her a look. “If it was anyone else I was laying, I’d be all for it, but I still haven’t taken Twilight’s virginity, at least, not really. This is the first time we’re going to have something that can be considered sex, so if you could keep your ears to yourself, that would be lovely.”

Fleur sighed. “Fine, I’ll stay away. What about that delectable little Dragon? I’m sure-”

“Touch him before his sixteenth birthday and I’ll hurt you.”

“... Never mind.” Fleur sighed again. “Just when a mare gets her hopes up.”

Fancy gave her a look. “You never did like going after younger stallions anyway. In fact, you still haven’t gone below sixteen, have you?”

“I try not to, but Spike is just so adorable, I could eat him up!” Fleur gushed.

“Back in my world, we’d either call you a man-eater, a groomer, or a sexual predator,” I commented flatly, finding that I was considerably less fond of Fleur, though I understood why I liked her so much. Didn’t speak well of either of us, honestly.

“None of those sound terribly nice, Max,” Fleur pouted.

“The man eater one is a compliment if you’re a slut,” Her eyes brightened, “but the sexual predator is a big no-no. People get killed over that shit.”

“... You’re not joking, are you?” She asked cautiously.

“I am not. It’s different here, but Spike isn’t who I was, and I’ll be damned if he learns the wrong shite from my example. I’d really appreciate it if you culled that particular indulgence.”

“I would do so anyway, if anything than because you so obviously abhor such acts. I trust your judgement and if you say that making young men my cubs is morally wrong, then I believe that it is,” Fleur said confidently.

“My time overseas already brought me to that conclusion.” Fancy shrugged. “I saw too many foals as prostitutes in Catron and Minosia to ever dream of doing anything like that here.”

Fleur’s jaw dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me!? I would’ve happily kept my hands to myself if I knew that it bothered you!”

Fancy gave her a look. “You don’t take any colt or stallion that isn’t willing. At sixteen, I know I was hornier than a Dragon and twice as hot under the collar, so I can’t tell you not to fulfil some young stallion’s dream. You never went lower than the age of maturity from my home country-”

“You’re not Equestrian?” I asked.

He snorted and smiled all the same. “I shouldn’t have let that slip, especially in front of somepony so notorious for their attentiveness. However, seeing as how you’re both a trusted friend of the princesses and the special-somepony of my niece, then I feel it safe to tell you that I was actually born in Bridleland.”

I smirked at him. “That explains your hospitality and fondness for a shared drink.”

He raised his glass. “Indeed, sir. I should’ve expected you to have no capacity to care less about my heritage.”

“I’m literally not from this planet, bruv…”

“Point Maximus.”

“To get back to the cock- Topic!” Fleur pinched the bridge of her nose. “Ugh, getting back to the topic, I’ll be sure to stay a few years above the mark, then. I would hate to earn animosity from my two favourite stallions.”

“You won’t if you keep up the good work.” I reached up and patted Fleur’s head. She gave me a stern look, so I kept doing it. “Good Pony, nice Pony. Does someone want a carrot?”

Fleur removed my hand with magic and grabbed me by my face firmly but gently. I wondered what she was going to do until she licked my face. “Somepony needs to learn to be less patronizing.”

I wiped her drool off and gave her a look. “I was just telling you that you’re a good, nice Pony. You should learn to take a compliment.”

“Yes, you said I was a good, nice pony as if I were some manner of simpleton or your pet.”

I patted her head and she gave me a dirty look as I did so. “Good Pony.”

Fleur gave me a wry look and sent me off to go have some fun with Twilight, so I bid Fancy and her goodnight before heading upstairs. We didn’t have much time before sunrise, so I hurried to get upstairs so I could unwrap my present. I strode into my room and locked it behind me, making sure to check that it was, in fact, locked. Scanning the room, I looked for Twilight who was laying on her side with her head propped up, waiting for me on my bed. I gave her what I hoped was a sultry smile and took my time getting over to her. I’d already waited this long; there was no point in rushing now.

My heart started hammering harder the closer I got to her.

I let my robe fall on my way over to Twilight, but kept walking at the same pace. I was eager to try getting somewhere with her again, though at the same time I was a little nervous about not being able to perform until I realized that the only thing I would be using was my tongue. However, my heart didn’t calm and I felt the confidence that usually accompanied my sexual appetite fade as the stars did to the morning light. I couldn’t get out of my head and froze in front of Twilight, not sure of what to do. My mind went blank and I couldn’t get anything out, couldn’t make my body move. Twilight raised a brow and beckoned me forward, taking control since I’d apparently lost some of my better, well-polished marbles. I eased up and stopped at the edge of the bed, leaning down to give Twilight a slow, loving kiss for being willing to work with me. She, on the other hand, had prepared a hungry, lustful one in return for me that I found myself being drawn into the moment our lips made contact. Twilight’s libido was rarely so strong, but as it was coming out I couldn’t say that I was anything less than thrilled to see that side of her. To see the trust in her eyes when we pulled away from each other.

… It was always different with Twilight, and the moment just cinched the deal. She must have felt my nervousness, because she said, “Why are you so worried, Amour? We’ve done this before, you were just a guy.”

“... I don’t really know, Cherry, I… This just counts more to me since it’s like, lesbian sex… Oral is one thing, but… I want this to be a good first experience for you, even if we’re waiting for the other thing.” My explanation sounded weak to me, but it was the best I could eke out at the moment. Rarely had I been so stuck for words, and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

“This isn’t the first time, Roxy. It’s the first time we’re both mares. Relax and… I don’t know,” She giggled, “just… Be you.”

I gave her another kiss. “They say some of the people who give the best advice are terrible at taking it, but you’re a fuckin’ well of wisdom, now aren’t you?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Roxy, I’m smart, you’re clever. I’m an egghead-bookworm and you’re the mad scientist throwing chemicals into a pot and making panacea.”

The tension eased from my chest as I laid a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “Then let me show you what kind of pleasure can be wrought from my brand of madness~”

Cherry accepted the kiss readily, letting me take control as her hand snaked through my long locks. She only bothered pulling away to say, “Are you going to tease me all night?”

I smirked at her. “This one’s your own fault.”

(Ctrl+F Scene is Over to Skip)

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me some space to join her. She tried to take the spot on top, but she’d bolstered my confidence by telling me to relax, so I wrestled with her for it until she gave up. Twilight allowed me the privilege of hearing her wonderful laughter when I straddled her, so I gave her another reward in the form of a kiss. Twilight had just started to slip me some tongue when I pulled away from her and laid a hand on her breast. From there, I switched from kissing her lips to peppering her neck with dozens of light pecks while gently massaging her breasts. Twilight squirmed from my ministrations and I kept going like that for a few minutes. I wanted her to remember this as one of the single best orgasms that she would ever have, so I was going to spend plenty of time on unnecessary foreplay.

I gave her neck a little nibble and her breath caught, which sent a chill down my spine in the nicest of ways. Before I started unbuttoning anything, I gazed into Twilight’s eyes and asked, “May I?”

“May you what, dearest?” She purred sensually.

“May I have this honour, my love?” I whispered into her ear.

Twilight bit her lip and said, “You may take me.”

I didn’t need her to say it again, so I switched to the other side of her neck and started again with my kisses. I was fucking thrilled that the lights were still on as I took each button one at a time with one hand. It gave me plenty of time to remember the plan I’d come up with, just in case I ever got to get with Twilight as Roxy during a more normal time. She responded well to me stroking and squeezing her thighs and was very receptive when I applied pressure to a few of the weak spots I’d sussed out after some exploring. My girlfriend gave me a smile that sent electricity through my veins and a kiss to top all others. I had to show her what a proper snogging was like when the heat was on and did a very Pony thing; I licked her tongue and thus the frenching started.

After ten more minutes of doing precious little other than cheating with experience and teasing her, I got off of my love and asked her to spread legs for me. Twilight wasn’t terribly thrilled about the prospect, but with some gentle encouragement, sound lesbian logic, and a double check to make sure that the door was locked, Twilight finally allowed me to remove her trousers. That was all well and good, but since Twilight had been wearing trousers all day, my sensitive nose hadn’t been able to pick up on much more than her natural scent. However, getting hit in the face with her arousal cleared my sinuses for some reason. It was actually pretty nice, but even with my cumulative time in Equestria, estrus pheromones could still affect me a fair bit if I wasn’t careful.

That being said, Cherry’s panties were already soaked, though in her defence so were mine. That’s not the important part at all. The important part is that there was some flimsy cloth in the way of me getting what I desired so strongly, so I decided to make it a little sexier, pulling Twilight’s undergarments down with my teeth until I freed them from her form.

I wanted to wait as long as I could, so I toyed with Twilight some more, flicking her lips with my tongue, kissing up and down her thighs to make her squirm, and collecting some of the dew from her labia from time to time just to add to the pressure. I tried easing a finger into Twilight, but she had tensed up so much that I doubted anything good would come of trying to continue on that front. With that not working, I tried the more indirect route and used my tongue to trace her lips, occasionally dipping into her entrance to get a taste for her. For some odd reason, Twilight tasted like the plum wine that she’d had earlier, which was fine by me as long as I couldn’t literally get drunk off of close contact.

Exploring Twilight all over again was like listening to a tale so familiar, yet still holding hidden depths within the words spoken to paint the story. There had already been so many lessons for me to learn with Twilight, and as I answered each of her little questions with a caress or another push toward the peak, I couldn’t help but form a new hypothesis that I wanted to test. There was… Well, it was clear to me that I wasn’t having sex. That I wasn’t in it for the pleasure. I wanted to make love to Twilight, even if I knew that a messy shag was what she was after. She’d said to take her, just not how, and I was abusing the fuck out of her non-specificity.

As it was, I was working toward giving Twilight the final push that would send her over the edge. When I latched onto her clit, Twilight cried out for Celestia, which I found to be rather insulting since I was the one laying her. I was offended up until I remembered that Celestia was basically a divine spirit to the Ponies and that they practically worshipped her. I might have understood, but it was still kind of a turn off and would’ve been worse if I didn’t get her point of view.

Even while she writhed, I stayed with Twilight through her orgasm, though I did fear that she was about to make me bald with how she was gripping my hair. It was a nice place to be, though some pitfalls along with the fact that I was probably going to have a massive headache by the time we were done. I thought it had been worth it to hear Twilight as she cried out in ecstasy, and she still tasted decent. Might have to have her drink cream soda next time, just in case that helps get rid of the plum though.

Once she lay flat on her back, occasionally twitching, I laid next to her. “So? How was it?” I asked.

Twilight had a dreamy smile. “Better than I thought it would be! Are you sure you don’t want to change into Max and see where it goes from there?” She asked.

I sighed. “Not until estrus is over, Cherry. For the time being, you’re just gonna have to sit and look pretty”

“Aren’t I always pretty?” Twilight asked facetiously.

“Usually, but sometimes you’re more cute than pretty and others more beautiful than both.” I gave her a warm smile and a quick peck.

She beamed and came a little closer. “You know, I’ve never done what you just did, but I imagine that a little time with our favourite toy could make up for my lack of experience~”

I grinned deviously. “Sounds like a lovely way to spend the next hour or so.”

And so it was. Twilight was pretty decent at handling the controller for me, though I wondered if she’d learned from experience or from speculation. Either way, she had me moaning within five minutes and cumming before we hit the ten-minute mark, though I blamed my lack of stamina and the fact that I had the vibrator directly against my clit while Twilight experimented. We swapped back and forth a little while, competing to see who could last the longest. I won, of course, but that didn’t stop Twilight for claiming the prize she’d wanted for winning. After two more rounds with the toy, Twilight and I decided to call it a night, though we pretty much just picked one side of the bed so no one had to sleep in the wet spot. My legs were feeling awfully weak, but I wanted to get clean before bed this time around, so I asked Twilight to join me if she felt so inclined.

Twilight agreed to come with me, though why she chose to do so is something I’m not really sure of. While we were in the shower, Twilight had started getting awfully handsy again, so I placed her hands to the right spots and coached her through how to bring a female an orgasm with just her touch and some know-how. She was a quick learner, so it wasn’t long before we had our hands between each other’s legs, seeing who would give in first. Again, Twilight took the title of first one out, but I wasn’t exactly very far behind seeing as how I came only a minute or so later.

Once we were actually focusing on getting clean, I noticed that Twilight’s tail swished from side to side, almost as if she were wagging it or something. I’d never really paid much attention to Ponies’ tails, but now that I looked at it, I just wanted to yank on it and see what would happen. I pushed my temptations down and tried to look at anything but her tail. I did end up yanking it, which earned me a stern glare from Twilight, making me smile like a fool.

We finished up with our shower and got into bed, but the afterglow lasted long past touching the softness of the mattress. We’d both needed to replace pretty much everything since our clothes had been rather ruined before we could take them off. Well, my gown got laid on, but I wasn’t mad about it. However, while I was smooching and snuggling with Twilight, the odd thought crossed my mind concerning how convenient it was at times like this that I was glad to have the option of having a vagina whenever I wanted. It meant that I could help people in different ways if I really felt like it, but at the moment it just meant that there were new avenues for sex and snuggling. They were good boons to have, but I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some kind of underlying effect on my subconscious or otherwise. I didn’t let it worry me too long, instead looking forward to the day that Twilight didn’t need estrus to initiate intimacy.

In any case, I got to fall asleep with her in my arms, so it was a good end to a pretty good day. The next morning started perfectly fine. Spike and Fleur helped me make breakfast, so it was easier, tastier, and more fun to get together. I could have wished for a little more time when Fancy and Fleur caught an early train back to Canterlot, but they had business to take care of later in the day. Twilight, Spike and I waved them off as they boarded their train. Twilight had wanted to spend some more time with me, but Spike was pretty vehement about taking her back home for some reason, so I didn’t worry about it too much and started packing some crap for my own trip to Canterlot since my reminders had tactfully let me know that my duel was later in the day. I didn’t like hiding it from Twilight, but I also figured that Celestia wouldn’t be letting it happen if it wasn’t a power-move for her. When I make Celestia’s life easier, my own life gets better in general and I usually get paid for it. Then I considered the fact that I might have had her confused with Luna and counted it as a by-chance favour for both.

In any case, I was pretty sure that I was going to get something out of the challenge I accepted almost solely just for the sake of beating some pompous cunt up. I made sure to include some non-constrictive casual clothes so that I would have something to fight with and packed my climbing gloves because I was so used to having them by my side. Once I had my clothes and whatnot packed up, I moved back into my living room and debated whether or not I should take Nacht with me. On one hand it symbolizes my status as a Baron, but on the other it marked me as one of Luna’s people. I wasn’t too fond of being claimed by anyone other than myself or Twilight. Packing it in with the rest of crap anyway was probably a good idea since it was beautiful and sharper than my tongue after a full day with Pinkie. Plus, it was also more of a fighting dagger in the first place, so it would serve me well.

I grinned as I thought of the advantages I had in a knife fight. Experience, recklessness, and being an adrenaline junkie up to a point all stewed together to create a massive dildo that I was going to ram up that arrogant twat’s arse. Seriously, it had been some months since I became a Baron and this fool was just now having a problem with it. Maybe it was due process? Maybe it was bullshit in the first place? Maybe it was Clarabelle cow, that bitch from Disney? Steak-arsed cunt. Anyway, though I didn’t really get why a Prince was so worried about a small Barony that really didn’t have much going for it besides the Elements of Harmony. Maybe the guy was just jealous of my good looks or something, but either way, I needed to have Celestia change me back into a dude sooner or later, so when night fell and the moon rose, I bought a ticket and boarded the last scheduled train heading towards Canterlot.

Spending the time on the train writing notes to explain my absence in Ponyville was worthwhile, and Twilight immediately sent a letter back asking why I hadn’t told her that I’d been going. I reminded her that I actually had when we saw Fancy and Fleur at the bonfire, but Twilight didn’t remember it so she was still mad at me. Her vagina outmatched any testosterone I could summon and I was in trouble, but it’s not because she was mad. It’s because she had a point and I couldn’t really say anything against ‘If I went off to fight someone, you’d pummel them a week before I even got mad at them.’.

Shite was true. I’d fuckin’ said it, honestly. She learned the tricks well and true, just sucked that she was using them against me.

With that little worry out of the way and my mental state making me wonder if compartmentalizing was just automatic, I focused on running various scenarios and finding new permutations to see what had changed from strike to strike. If Blueblood was a Unicorn like most other Canterlot natives, then he would probably be physically weak. Even if he wasn’t weak, I highly doubted that he would be anything other than Prep-bulky, which is just lunk-meat that slows a guy down in a fight. Thankfully, my constant workouts and healthy diet had scraped off pretty much any remaining body fat that I’d had before coming to Equestria. I even made sure to sweat at least once a day, but who wants to read about that shite every time I do it? I might have to start cutting out a lot of the things I do on the regular, or at least go into less detail. Oh well, here goes my rendition of a workout;

‘The sparkling sweat that beaded on his brow blinded him, causing him to crumble under the force that subdued his strength. His muscles rippled and jumped at the slightest movement like he was a predator waiting for the perfect moment to strike’. I chuckle to myself at my own half-witted imagination as I write, but now I’m off track.

The ride had decent snacks and great chocolates for reasonable prices, but I stocked up on the calories I could while it was available. Aside from that, the train ride was as quiet as it usually was. There never seemed to be too many people on the train whenever I rode, so I didn’t really have much of a chance to talk to anyone since no one seemed to want to be bothered. That was perfectly fine by me since I didn’t really want to chat up a few strangers anyway. With the fight on my mind and my own memories bringing violence to mind, I spent some extra time thinking about random things to chill out a bit until we arrived at the station. Once we were there, I didn’t waste another moment, heading to the Triple C as soon as I got off the train. I figured that hitting the only confectionary I knew of outside of Sugarcube Corner would be a good idea. Giving Celestia a dark chocolate cake would probably go well with her chocolate addiction, and I was hoping that Luna liked cherry chiffon since I only got it because it sounded good. Hell, if they wanted to be petty about it, I’d happily tell them to switch if they didn’t like what I got them. Problem solved, it’s how mankind evolved.

Blowing time wasn’t really on the menu at the moment, so I strolled on down to the castle and got my ducks in a row. There was a prank on the brain that I’d thought of a while back, but I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off in that particular visit. I recognized one of the Night Guards on duty as none other than Dune Bug himself. His protégé was nowhere to be seen, so I asked what they had him doing now. Dune kept his trap shut, but his partner leaned in and whispered that I’d got them in trouble when I had run away from them. I assured the gentlemen that I would have a word with the Princess of the Night so that they wouldn’t be punished for my screw ups and they both gave me an odd look before opening the gate without another word. I figured it was somewhere between creepy and interesting, but I was leaning more toward the creepy side as of right now.

Entering the castle hadn’t been a problem at all, and there was practically no paperwork necessary to see Luna so I entered the Court Hall and said, “Sup, Lulu?”

Luna lifted her head from her hand and yawned, which made me yawn. “As you can see, there is not much ‘up’ around here. Night Court is always boring. Why are you female?”

“Sex stuff. Do you mind changing me back? I brought some dude clothes with me, just in case.”

Luna rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. Things were very uncomfortable, so she let me borrow a room to change in. Once I was finished, I went back to the court hall. “Is there something you wanted Max? As you can see, I’m terribly busy.” Luna gestured toward the nearly empty room.

“I see. Do you want some cake?”

“Not at the moment, but I will keep them for you if you do not wish to carry them any longer.” Luna offered.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. For being so nice, you can pick whichever one you want.” I grinned.

She lifted a brow and inspected the contents of each box. “At least you have good taste in confections, I’ll give you that. I believe I will take the chocolate cake for myself. Celestia always has been quite the cherry fanatic, and she hasn’t altered that fact for the past four thousand and twenty or so years that I’ve known her.”

“I thought you said you guys were only like, three thousand?” I asked.

“We don’t really count the millennia we spent apart, but Celestia and I are rather old, no matter how you look at it.” Luna said.

“You still look good for literally being older than dirt, some rocks, and entire forests if it makes you feel any better.”

“Your insolence is refreshing, for once.” Luna huffed. “At least you acknowledge the time passed for what it is.”

“My insolence is the best out there, doll-face. Speaking of insolence, I have to fight Prince Blueblood tomorrow. Any tips against him?” I asked.

Luna gave me a look and said, “If you cannot best him, then you will be fired as an Operative. Blueblood is as soft as most nobles, though he does train rather frequently with a foil, estoc, or rapier when the whim strikes him. He uses them all as longswords, but they are easy to swing and manoeuvre.” She rolled her eyes. “As long as you do not seek to best him at his own game, you should be fine. And, if you try to play his game, I will beat that out of you personally and throw you into another mission when you’re done being rebuilt.”

Fuck me in the arse, I don’t think that’s a farce. “... Then it should be fine. The challenge is going to be a knife fight, if I have anything to say about it. I doubt there are many people out there with my level of experience when it comes to shanking and ganking.” I grinned evilly, despite my bum clenching in fearspect.

Luna returned my grin with one of her own. “Then I look forward to seeing you wipe the floor with that uppity, no good, mareizing, narcissistic, parasite. Do be sure to make it last; It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a good fight.”

“Oi! I’m narcissistic and no good! Come up with better adjectives, dammit.”

“I would, but putting forth the effort seems tedious, so I believe I’ll let my words lie. Do you require a bed for the night?”

“Yes, actually. I was going to just stop by a hotel or something, but I figured that I might as well give you some cake while I’m town.” I gave her a crooked smile

“Gifts and flattery will get you many places, though none of those places are in my wing of the castle,” Luna said drily.

“Aren’t Dusk Barons supposed to stay close to their liege or whatever? What if frail, young, impressionable Princess Luna gets a boo-boo? Who’s going to kiss it for her?”

“I imagine that being as you have stated, ‘older than dirt’, would qualify one to no longer require kisses for ‘boo-boos’.” Luna said blandly.

“It never hurts to try. Next time you ram your knee into something that’s not a person, don’t come crying to me.”

“I assure you that I could find another willing to do the task if you are not, though that would undermine my saying that I no longer need to be consoled when in minor pain.” Luna sighed. “Things were so much easier three thousand years ago.”

I raised my brows. “They were also pretty barbaric and more than a little murdery, if your own accounts of the past are anything to go by.”

“I never said that they were better, just easier. Tell me, is it not simply more efficient to slay your enemies instead of forming tentative bonds with them?” Luna asked.

“Depends on the enemy. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick your battles if you want to avoid unnecessary trouble like revenge seekers and loved ones of the deceased. Blood begets blood. Always has, always will.”

“It seems that all I do since I’ve returned is pick my battles. Do you understand what it’s like to be seen and heard, but not listened to?”

I gave her a wry look. “You forget that for some time every other conversation I had with Celestia was an argument.”

Luna snorted. “Hyperbole at its finest. One out of three conversations was an argument.”

“Going from a half to a third doesn’t make that much of a difference to me. And before you spout a lame idiom or something, I’d like to remind you that it doesn’t have to be a slugfest to be an argument.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Maximus. While on the topic of arguments, how many have you had with Twilight Sparkle so far?”

“I’d say zero to none, though she’s a bit upset that I’m here for a fight so this visit in and of itself might end up being an argument.” I shrugged. “I’m sure that listening to what she has to say will help, and doing something to correct whatever mistake I made should go even further.”

“Spoken like a stallion beyond your years, even if you meant to sound at least somewhat oblivious.” Luna nodded. “No wonder you have the capacity to make friends. You don’t suck all the time.”

“I try not to, otherwise all I’m good for is getting dirt out of carpets.”

“That makes no sense to me.” Luna stated.

“Damn, I forget that Equestria is behind the times on a lot of things. Well, compared to my world, at least. When you have magic, I guess you can afford to be lazy with your technology.”

“Equestria is not lazy with its technology,” Luna huffed.

“You might not be. I might’ve just showed up at a weird time. I’m just saying that the marvels we had in my world could rival magic, depending on what use you’re using it for.”

“I remember having this conversation with you. The sheer magnitude of the destruction you described…” Luna shook her head. “I could not imagine Celestia or I employing such inponane tactics, just to win a war.”

“In fairness, the Americans did that and they’re pretty famous in my country for being psychotic idiots half the time, and the other half, they’re usually coming up with a new way to lose weight or stuffing their faces. Life is weird like that.”

“... You always describe these ‘Americans’ as the most colourful characters. It is a shame I did not have a chance to meet one.”

“According to the multiverse theory, there’s a universe where you’re the Human and I’m a Pony, so there’s probably a few infinite universes where you met me as an American.”

“Multiverse theory? Explain it to me.” I lifted a brow at her tone. “Please.”

And so I did. I went about as deep as I could go with Quantum Physics, but it really wasn’t all that deep. I could explain the two main theories of time and how they differed, but she told me that time in Equestria was more like a pond than a river, meaning that if someone goes back in time, they create a miniature loop that needs to be broken by special magic. Ponies were supposed to be on the lookout for people who are bone crushingly depressed since it’s one of the main indicators that someone is stuck in a loop. I found it to be mildly amusing since I didn’t have magic that could trap me in time, though Luna found it far less appealing, stating that she’d even looped herself once while trying to stop herself from breaking Celestia’s favourite vase about three and a half thousand years ago.

While we were talking, I considered telling her that I’d found a catalyst but then I remembered that it would be completely fucking retarded to do so. You know, just in case she decided to deep six my arse then and there to save herself the trouble of dealing with me when I became a threat. With that in mind, I kept my mouth fucking shut so I would live a little longer. While I knew that Luna actually liked me to a certain degree, I also knew that she wouldn’t hesitate to put her sword through my heart should I ever start playing fast and loose with my powers, even if I wouldn’t stay dead from that alone.

I abruptly changed the topic from the possible health benefits involved in eating copious amounts of carrot cake to fighting styles. Can’t say I was surprised to find that Luna preferred the standard sword and shield, though her sword reminded me more of a gladius than anything traditionally European. I, on the other hand, was only ‘trained’ in street fights and scraps that often would’ve punched my ticket many times over if I wasn’t as agile as I was. Luna might have been the ADC (Attack Damage Carry), but I was a full on glass cannon-assassin with my approach to skirmishes. I preferred to hit hard and dodge quickly rather than parrying or trying to tank blows, while Luna was an expert with ripostes and was quite experienced with many styles of fighting. As we were talking, we knew that there could only be one outcome pertaining to our observations about ourselves and each other: We had to see who was better.

Luna made her steward take her place for a little while so Luna and I could head to the training grounds for a private, quiet clash. I doubted that we would be able to finish without an audience, and when Luna led me to the training grounds, we already had one. Night Guards of all shapes and sizes were milling about, doing whatever they were supposed to be doing with their time. Our arrival was met with much kneeling and bowing, though some of the people who saw me first just saluted up until they realized who I was walking with. There were some soldiers standing around a ring in the dirt, watching two of their own go at it in a rather entertaining sparring match. I couldn’t really tell the dudes apart since they were wearing full armour, but there didn’t really seem to be a clear victor anyway, so I just sat back and watched the show. They concluded once one of them subdued the other, and Luna stepped in to congratulate the guy who won. I took the loser aside for a moment and told him that he’d done pretty well, but his footwork needed some adjustment, and when Luna came around to talk to him too, she basically said the same thing. The guy’s only real problem was that he was a bit clumsy with his footing but other than that, he’d seemed solid enough. Sadly, good enough just doesn’t cut it when you’re fighting for your life, so Luna made sure to scold him for getting himself killed, which I found amusing.

By this time, most of the guards around the training grounds had stopped at some point to stare at Luna and me, although can’t say I was surprised in the slightest. When you have a Princess and a Baron on the field, shit’s bound to get interesting. I could have sworn I could feel the rumours start gestating as Luna and I approached the circle. When we stepped inside, Luna spoke to the Captain of the Night Guard, a grizzled looking man simply named Dirge, asking if we could borrow the ring for a round of sparring. It’s not like she’d even had to bother with it. She could’ve simply told the guy that we were going at it, but that would have been rude, and thankfully Luna still remembered how to be polite sometimes.

I set my sack of crap down outside the ring since I’d been carrying it the entire time. After a quick stretch so I don’t fuck anything up too badly, Luna came over and enchanted Nacht and the Warbling Blade so that I wouldn’t turn her into finely sliced Pony and did the same to her own blade. We took our positions at opposite sides of the ring, and when Dirge rang the bell, we approached each together carefully. I took in Luna’s stance as a whole: Her shield blocked off any frontal attacks, and since she was right-handed, dodging to the left would probably get me cut. Dodging to the right might get me bashed with a shield, but it seemed better than getting shanked, so I weighed my options and took too long. Lulu was every bit as aggressive as I’d thought she’d be, if not more. However, years of peace had dulled her while it had only been months for me. I rushed Luna after she put some space between us, feigning hard to the left before fully committing to the right. Luna had sent a quick thrust my way, but with the power of opposable appendages I cleared her quickly and scored a blow on her thigh with Nacht. Being a lefty had suited me just fine in quite a few fights, but I assumed that Luna had fought against left-handed opponents before, so I tried to figure out another approach.

While I was thinking, I was constantly whirring around Luna, dodging swing after swing from her sword. I’d had to sheath the Warbling Blade so I could have an open hand which proved to be the right move. Luna tried to bash me with her shield to make some distance, but I was on her like white on rice and I wasn’t going anywhere without proper impetus. When I grabbed the rim of her shield and jerked it forward, Luna instinctively jerked it back, not expecting me to push right along with her, causing the Lunar Diarch to lose her footing. She didn’t topple over, much to my disappointment, but now she had the distance she’d wanted and I was going to have to put in some work to get back in range. The Warbling Blade found its way back into my right hand, giving me a pretty stupid idea. I closed the distance between myself and Luna once more, but this time when she threw an overhead swing at me, I tried to smack it aside with Nacht so I could close in with my offhand. Sadly, Luna’s good at doing the combat because she altered the path of her swing in a split second and scored a glancing blow to my side. It had only been weakened by some quick thinking on my part, but I could still feel some numbness where Luna hit me, indicating that I would have taken damage.

I sobered up a little and approached Luna more carefully. I jabbed and poked at what I could see, though she often parried with supreme accuracy. The fight was turning towards her favour after more and more seconds ticked by, the intensity and flow of the battle sparking and igniting in bursts. It was a difficult fight since I wasn’t trained beyond my own experience and the Princess? Luna had got warmed up and I hadn’t been able to finish the fight quickly enough. I was thinking that I was pretty much boned. A little distance went a long way in allowing me to get some of my stamina back, and I decided not to draw out the conflict any longer. I dropped low into my stance and circled Luna slowly, shortening the distance between us with each passing step until I was within range of her sword. Luna made no attempts to show me mercy of any kind, and her rapid thrusts and swings with her sword just showed how comfortable she was on the battlefield. I dodged and deflected her blows with my knives, but Luna just kept hitting harder and harder until I could barely feel my hands. I decided it was the right time to enact my plan, so I hopped back a bit and charged Luna for the final time. She bunkered down with her sword pointing at me, her eyes following my every movement. I could see that she had been expecting me to fake her out again, so I did something unexpected: I drop-kicked her.

Luna rolled over once before regaining her composure, but it was already over. I was behind her with a mad dash I barely stopped, Nacht poised for the kill. She laid her weapons down and I withdrew, panting from the work out. Luna wasn’t in much better condition than I was, though she hid it rather well. We shook hands with Luna admitting her defeat, but before I could say anything, we were greeted by a round of applause from the peanut gallery. ‘Rematch’ was chanted from somewhere out of sight at first, but slowly grew in volume until Luna told everyone to shut the fuck up. We agreed to have another match after a short break, so I asked one of the guards where a guy could get something to drink. He pointed me to the canteen while Luna gave a lecture on how to deal with opponents like me, which I thought was a little unfair.

After I got my drink and the numbness wore off, I returned to the ring and chatted up some of the guards. They weren’t terribly talkative folks, but when I assured them that I would cover for them if they got into trouble, most were happy to listen to me try out new material and tell the occasion tale from my days as a street rat. I’d only been talking to a group of four or so guards when I’d started, but as I continued to speak, more people gathered to listen to my tales. It was rather ego inflating until Luna told me that it was time for our second match.

While my pride isn’t something I like to vaunt often, I’d still like to say that it hurt when I got fucking wrecked. Luna had increased the power behind her thrusts, and with that power came speed in spades. Luna read most of my moves, so I only ended up scoring two good hits against her during the five or so minutes we fought. By the time Luna was done handing my arse to me, most of my upper body was numb, and the only thing that had stopped her from getting my legs was the fact that I spent the last three minutes running around like a chicken with its head cut off. We got another round of applause from the guards along with a few chuckles for my antics, so Luna and I decided to go for a tiebreaker once we weren’t as magically numbed.

We chatted on the sidelines, watching another pair of guards go at it while we traded suggestions to each other. Luna told me to be more aggressive and I told her to take care not to tire out too early. The only reason the second match had lasted so long was because I’d worn Luna out by running circles around her, but in doing that I’d worn myself out too. I made sure to not do that again, as much good as it did me. The dark blue butt-head ended up taking the third round too because I’d gone for a risky trade, thinking that Nacht was longer than it actually was. I had a good feel for the blade now, but I needed more practice swinging it to get more familiar with its reach. As much as I would’ve liked to stay and take on all challengers, I had a long day ahead of me and I doubted that Luna would approve of me packing her guards’ fudge, despite the fact that I was feeling a bit worn out from three fights in a row.

I went to sleep around four in the morning and spent some extra time thinking of just how scary Luna was, even if she wasn’t being serious. I’d seen in her eyes that she was disappointed that I hadn’t done better, but she hadn’t lied to me when she said that I was doing pretty alright, even for an Operative. I woke up around ten, Luna still on my mind. What I wouldn’t give for a night with that woman, but I digress. Forward thinking had smiled on me this day since I could get my journal caught up without being bothered by anyone or anything, and once that was done, I walked over to the Court Hall to say hi to the other white meat for a little bit.

After signing far too many goddamn papers, I was allowed to see Celestia. From across the Court Hall, I said, “Hullo there, sunshine.”

Celestia raised her brow and gave me a half smile. “If it isn’t our little soldier in training. Luna told me that you did rather well in your sparring last night.”

“Didn’t stop her from winning. I swear, once she knocked the rust off Luna became un-fucking-stoppable.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Perhaps to you. Lulu is still my baby sister, and she will remain so forever and always. My cute, harmless little sister.”

“If you consider Luna harmless, then I’d hate to see what you consider dangerous,” I scoffed.

“I consider you dangerous. You don’t even have to strike a person to tear them apart,” Celestia replied drily.

“It wouldn’t be tearing them apart if I was punching them, now would it?” She rolled her eyes again. “Anyway, when is my date with Prick Blueballs?”

Celestia giggled. “I can summon him now if you’d like to get it out of the way. I say now, but he won’t be here for at least two hours. Lazy bastard that he is, of course.”

“Seriously, do you know what this guy has against me? I mean, I didn’t even know Equestria had a Prince, so if he went this long without being mentioned why is he stirring shit up now?” I asked, mildly irritated.

She shook her head. “I wish I could tell you, but all he says is that a non-Pony has no right to rule over Pony lands. I’d thought I’d raised him better than to be so blatantly racist, but some apples are rotten to the core, no matter how fertile the ground is.”

“That’s a weird idiom,” I deadpanned, giving her a look.

“What? What have I done to earn such a look?”

“You know damn well your Ponies are racist.”

Celestia gave me a look in turn. “Shut up, Max. As I was saying, you really shouldn’t have any problems from Blueblood. Once you decide the victor, I’m hoping he’ll get a good enough helping of humble pie to shut his loud mouth every once in a while.”

“I don’t know what kind of guy Blueballs is, but from what I’ve heard about him so far he’s a right cunt. I’ll set him up nice and proper, so don’t you fret or fear for a second, Sunbutt.” I grinned cheekily

“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about the backlash that I might receive for being on your team. Blueblood can be quite the whiner if you give him half a chance.”

“I’ll be sure to stab him in his throat, then. Is this a life or death kinda deal, first blood, or until someone forfeits?” I asked.

“It will go on until somepony is unable to continue, though your weapons will be magically blunted so that you don’t kill each other.”

I popped my neck. “Shame. I wouldn’t mind the thrill of a real fight, but I suppose challengers can’t be choosers… Except for when we are... Has he bitched about my choice in weapons so far?”

“For nearly an hour straight. He wanted you to pick a ‘gentlecolt’s weapon’ instead of some commoners tool, but he was quick to laud the value of knives in today’s society when I mentioned that I used to carry a dagger with me at all times. Silly sycophant thinks I don’t know his schemes like somepony else hasn’t tried the same thing a thousand times before.”

I nodded. “I like knives. They’re useful for doing the folky pokey.”

“Isn’t it the ‘hokey pokey’?” Celestia asked.

“Not when you’re poking folks with knives. That’s not something I would sing to my kids any day.”

“You disturb me at times, but it’s usually amusing once I get over the fact that you talk about murder like it’s the weather.” Celestia said.

“Hey look! It’s gory with a chance of gristle outside! It’s an entrail-hail coming from above!” I chuckled.

Celestia rolled her eyes once more and sent a note off. “As much as I would love to continue talking to you, I have a country to run. I’ll be in the Courtyard when you go to battle with Blueblood, however, so I’ll see you then.”

“Until then, magic talking Pony.”

I received an odd look for that, but just chuckled and continued on with my day. There wasn’t anything I actually had to do and I’d changed into the outfit I was planning on wearing to the fight, so I headed out into the Courtyard and loitered around for a bit, practising Asstronomy and jotting down some ideas for the third book in my romance series, A Star Crossed Love. I wasn’t done with the second instalment yet, but I was getting close and had plenty of thoughts for the third one, so I filled a couple of pages with halfway fleshed out ideas that I could work into a story if I was feeling creative. I got bored with doing that eventually and walked around the Courtyard for a bit, but there weren’t many people around. By one, a few more people petered in, and by two, there were an awful lot of people waiting to see Blueballs and I square off, but Celestia was nowhere in sight. I shrugged it off and took some time to limber up since it never hurt to be flexible.

Some pompous looking prick that I assumed was Blueblood carved a path through the people surrounding the outer edges of the Courtyard, so I rose from my seat and said, “Come on, bruv, can’t you have any manners? I’ve been sitting here for half my fuckin’ day, Blueblood.”

He scoffed and looked down his nose at me. “Like your time is worth a tenth of the mud on my boots! Maybe if you surrender now, I’ll be kind enough to let you clean them for me?”

I tilted my head and smiled at him. “Why, Blueballs, I didn’t know you were so incompetent that you can’t even take care of your own property, but with a head so full of hot air and cow-shite, I shouldn’t be so surprised. When a cunt like you can’t even be punctual, why would you be civilized in the slightest?” He coloured and opened his mouth, but I was just getting started. “Oh, are you upset, you fatherless troglodyte? Has this uppity noble hurt the little feewings of Equestria’s biggest disgrace? What, Blueballs, would you say to a man who just last night proved that he could go toe-to-hoof with Princess Luna herself? What the hell do you even do in this country? What is your job, Blueballs? What do you actually do for the Ponies of Equestria?”

He curled his lip at me and glared. “You’re nothing, you worm. If you claim to be on my level, then what have you done?”

“I’m not the one who issued the challenge, Blueballs. Why deflect, because I can have Celestia vouch for my service to Equestria, but you? I didn’t even know who you were!”

Blueballs sneered as the crowd giggled at him. “You’re so funny for one of the hoi polloi. Let’s see how much you talk after I’m done with you, meatsack.”

“I’m sorry mate, I couldn’t hear you past the bullshit dripping from your lips. Try again, will you? And try to make it original. These people came here for a show, and I’m doubting that you have any of your own material.” I spread my arms and smiled at the crowd. “Meanwhile I’ve got everything I need already to turn your liver into fois gras and your kidneys into chianti, so let’s get to it, yeah?” I drew Nacht because I could.

“These Ponies are here to watch their beloved Prince trounce some jumped up, uppity outsider non-Pony who thinks that he can just become a Noble on a whim! Now who wants to see their beloved Prince lay this rabble to rest!?” He tried grandstanding like I had, but didn't get half the response.

“No, these people are here to see one of the most widely hated cunts in Canterlot have a knife shoved up his arse, so why don’t you come over and let me give them what they want? At least if you please the crowd, someone might actually like you.” I smirked at him and took the laughs as they came. “You know, the only thing sharp about you might be how you dress, but even then does the word gaudy have no meaning to you? For Celestia’s sake, grow some damn fashion sense!”

Blueballs looked at me with utter disgust and infatuation, but before he could say anything else, Celestia strode out into the Courtyard. I watched as her subjects knelt before her, but I just gave her a shallow bow because I was supposed to show some manner of deference. Blueballs, on the other hand, was pretty pissed that he had to kneel and I didn’t, so I gave him my smuggest smirk.

Celestia raised her hands for the plebeians to rise. “Maximus, Baron of Ponyville and Cloudsdale, you have hereby been challenged by Prince Blueblood for the right to govern your land. Do you accept this challenge?”

“I do, but I don’t think it’s going to be much of a challenge,” I replied nonchalantly.

Blueballs looked pissed, but he wasn’t about to speak out of turn with Celestia. I could feel that she was holding back a smile. “As the challenged, you have the right to choose the contest. You have chosen a ‘Knife Fight’, as you call it. Is this correct?”

I nodded. “It is, but it’s only a fight if both people get hurt. I’d wait on that one.”

Celestia returned the nod and two spots on the ground lit up with her magic. I went to one while Blueballs went to the other. I felt my weapons begin to vibrate suddenly, but they stopped just as quickly as they started and I guessed that Celestia had just blunted our weapons with some more magic. It didn’t seem like much of a scene to fight it, though it was alright enough. I was hoping that I’d be able to stab this guy, but I could deal with a little disappointment. Scanning the crowd, I looked for Luna, but didn’t see her anywhere, so I assumed that she was watching from inside the castle. Sunbutt told us to unsheathe our weapons so she could check if the magic had taken effect, and surprisingly, the enchantment wouldn’t stick to Blueballs’ expensive looking bowie knife. Frankly, I thought the blade itself was far too garish to ever actually be used, but I suppose that enchanted weapons should look like they’re worth what you pay for them.

Celestia almost disqualified Blueballs then and there for cheating, but I graciously offered to ignore that little detail if we could just get started already. It didn’t go over that well with Celestia, but Blueballs was all for it since he was a slimy fucker like that. The contest would be allowed to continue, but if Blueballs went for a purposefully lethal strike, he would be reprimanded. I found it amusing that he thought he’d be able to trick Celestia, but it just wasn’t my place to laugh. That’s not to say I didn’t do it to piss him off even more, and sharing the information with the crowd made him hated. I even offered him one of my knives since I was allowed to use either, but he declined and got even more hate.

There may have been some manipulation going on, but I never said that I wouldn’t do stoop, now did I?

A ring formed around Blueballs and I, but it was about three meters too large. I asked Sunbutt to shrink the circle by half and Blueballs looked a little scared to be in such close quarters, so I used that to my advantage. Once Celestia began the contest, I opened my mouth and let insults tumble out as much as I pleased. I said some pretty awful things that don’t bear repeating, but it got me a ticket straight into Blueballs’ head, so I considered it a job well done. I’d pissed him off something fierce by insulting his lineage and telling him that his parents had never wanted him in the first place, which struck one hell of a nerve. Blueballs lunged at me, which was a mistake. I sheathed Nacht after dodging him completely and asked for a reset with a smile on my face. The crowd murmured at that, even as Celestia granted it and I gave her my big knife to look after. In fact, I didn’t even draw the Warbling Blade. Blueballs looked like I’d just insulted him directly, which I had. It was great. Getting to unleash Kaid Gadai and all the awful things he says? It was a great time, and the reset did exactly what I wanted it to.

Blueballs lunged for me again and immediately went for my heart, but he was painfully slow compared to Luna, so I sidestepped and swung a fist into his nose. My hook had never been half of what Maxwell’s was, but it got the job done pretty well since it had stunned Blueballs long enough to put him on his knees. To make something clear, I kneed him in the face until I got shoved away, and to prove my goddamn point, I punted his head like a soccer ball and watched him roll over before shakily getting to his feet. His nose was squashed and gushing blood, and he looked like he could barely hold himself up, so I took it easy on the guy and backed off a couple of steps. His knife was on the ground and he left it there for a little bit, charging at me with his bare hands. I didn’t even have to really try; Kicking him in the knee with my composite-toe shoes was enough to send him back to the floor, crawling and hissing in pain.

Blueballs picked his knife back up and made a few feeble attempts to cut me, but I wasn’t having any of the disrespectful little twat’s bullshit. Instead of ending it, I cold-cocked him like he’d insulted my mother (Which he did in his letter, I just didn't care), and chose to kick him some more. I figured I’d put a proper damper on his day, so instead of prolonging the suffering, I chose to let him get back up one last time and make one more attempt. In two quick motions I deflected one of his would be blows and jammed the tip of my knife into his torso, aiming for the heart. The poor, foolish fucker just fell over and stayed there, so I sheathed my shit and scratched my head.

“Is that it?” I called out.

Celestia approached from outside the circle and knelt next to Blueballs. “I believe that’s the end of the contest.” She rose and came to my side, lifting my hand up. With her voice amplified by magic, she said, “Maximus has won the challenge!”

There was a fucking ovation, though I guess most people were standing already. I don’t think anyone besides Celestia and me were expecting me to win until the reset, so imagine the surprise from the bystanders when I came out without so much as a scratch. I almost felt bad for not breaking a sweat, but the aristocunt shouldn’t have picked a fight with someone who kills people to make money. Like seriously, did the guy not know that I was an Operative? Most of the Night Guards knew and some of the Day Guards had heard about my feats, but I was pretty sure that Blueballs was so far out of the loop, he’d probably thought that Celestia had just up and given me some land.

Medics came by and dispelled the magic that was keeping Blueballs down, though he didn’t even thank them for helping him out. Instead, he shouted at the poor ladies, telling them to fix his face or get lost. Celestia stopped me from fixing his tone and manners and went to go scold her nephew personally. As punishment for being a fucking prick to some innocent people, Celestia told Blueballs that he was going to have to let his nose heal naturally and that he needed to learn to stop looking down on people if he ever wanted respect. I flipped him off because that ship had already sailed as far as I was concerned, but it’s not like he knew what the gesture meant, so it was more for me than for him. After being chewed out, Blueballs stormed out of the Courtyard in a bitch-like huff and I chuckled.

With the challenge over, there wasn’t any reason to hang around much longer, so everyone went back to what they were doing. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but there were actually lots of people watching, so I figured that I would be getting letters and some visits for putting Blueballs on his back. Celestia tapped my shoulder and gestured for me to follow her, though she didn’t say a thing the entire time we were walking, giving me the general impression that I was in trouble. Something told me that I wasn’t, but I’d learned that such feelings could often be incorrect when dealing with Celestia, so I held my tongue until we arrived in the Dining Hall.

Luna was already there, so Celestia and I joined her. Just as I sat down, Luna started giggling, so I asked, “What’s got you so chucklesome?”

“The fact that you could have ended the fight without breaking his nose. Or without the reset. And it was simply cruel of you to even follow through with the battle in the first place. I find it quite amusing,” Luna spoke while trying not to giggle and it was great.

Celestia gave her a disapproving look. “The fight was over far too soon. You overestimated your opponent, Max, but at the very least you taught him a lesson.”

“You’re some sick fucks, aren’t you? I bet you get your jollies by watching me toss the rubbish about.” I chuckled.

“Only when the rubbish is as insufferable as Blueblood. You might be insufferable at times, but at least you don't act like your very presence is a gift to the world.” Luna scoffed.

“That’s because I pay attention to how shitty of a person I am. I try to keep it below dung heap levels.” I jested.

“When does a heap become a heap? When does it cease to be so?” Celestia questioned.

“After three or more dung pies, it’s a heap. Less than three, and it's just poo on the floor,” I answered wisely.

“With a mouth as foul as yours, I find it odd that you manage to keep a mare around you at all,” Luna jibed.

“It’s because I’m sexy and exotic. Who cares what I say when I look this good?” I borrowed one of Zoolander’s poses, though I hated the film.

“You’re so full of hot air, I’m rather surprised that you don’t float.” Celestia said cheekily.

“It’s because I spend so much time talking, it helps to vent the excess.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and we were allowed to eat lunch. We had some polite conversation, but the topic quickly changed to why I’d taken Blueballs the way I did and how I’d trounced him easily. Looking back on it, Celestia had known the guy his whole life and had every chance to change him if she really wanted to, but she’d left him to be a cunt of epic proportions. It made me feel for the guy to a certain point, but someone so fucking full of themselves didn’t deserve that much empathy in my book. I mean, I was arrogant as a form of bravado and I was trying to be less of a toxic person. Blueblood challenged me because we don’t share a species. Fuck him.

We finished up with lunch soon after starting it, though I continued to munch on things while we were getting stuff wrapped up. For some odd reason, ever since I’d started using Dark Magic, I was ravenous around meal times and would practically inhale whatever was in front of me. I managed to keep things polite, but it was like dumping gas onto a fire most days, and it only petered out when I consumed like I was trying to put on weight. There are worse things to gorge yourself on when you consider that my diet consists mostly of plants and pasta, but it meant that I had to keep a well stocked pantry if I didn’t want to go shopping every day. Celestia was kind enough to teleport me back home once I’d gathered my crap, so I wrote Twilight a note telling her that I was home. She didn’t reply, so I decided to stop by the next day so she could have some time to cool down. However, that meant that I had the day to myself if I wanted it, so I caught my journals up to literally this point and finished copying them into the magic one so… Here it is, last entry in this collection. I might grab some juice, might go for a smoke, or I could always spare some time to go fuck with someone.

I guess we’ll see what happens next.

Author's Notes:

Alright, so I added a lot, but I don't feel like I added a lot, and that irks me. All in all though, the tonal shifts I put in make me smile and I like the burgeoning relationship Max has with Noir. Definitely let me know what you think of the dynamics between characters

or drop a fuccin meme lmao

Patch Notes:

Changed the tone of the... Maxlight? Maxlight ship's first dawn. Changed the tone of the break upChanged the mindscape scenes with Noir a bit, added in more depthAdded in comments on the obvious thing with AJ from a few partiesDeveloped a bit of Max's relationships with people he doesn't see all the timeMostly character development from hereMax's fight with Blueblood gets touched up