New Years came around and spirits were high. I’d get into the holiday, but I spent so much of it so incredibly stoned that the last thing I remember was looking at the clock around eleven and waking up at four in the morning on Twilight’s lap as she herself was knocked out. The gals and I had gotten together for the holiday, but even with booze and bud on the menu, it just wasn’t the same without sauerkraut and sausage. Granted, I didn’t drink anyway, but I actually had a pretty decent time and things were starting to go better with life in general. It wasn’t that I was magically not depressed or anything, but it was a lot harder to stay mad or numb and neutral about things.

In any case, the first month of the year came and passed, leaving behind Hearth’s Warming Day and New Years in favour of Hearts and Hooves Day. The name sounded ridiculous to me, but without someone with a catchy name like Saint Valentine, I suppose there aren’t many people willing to get creative. I may not have liked the holiday very much as a general rule, but now that I had two women to take care of during it, I was significantly less fond. I didn’t see any good things coming out of spending my time with just one of them and racked my brain, then racked bad ideas as a good one came out; Spend the morning with Fluttershy until about lunchtime, then go finish the day with Twilight. Actually having a time frame for both of them made it a little easier to plan some stuff for the special day, but I knew that there might be odd customs attached that no one had told me about. I.e, eating the fucking mistletoe after kissing under it. Apparently Ponies got a buzz off of it. I wasn’t really in the mood to get poisoned at the time.

Instead of formulating a plot on my own, I teamed up with just about every overage male that I could borrow an ear from. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you saw it), Onyx, Macintosh, and Fancy told me that Hearts and Hooves Day was mostly a holiday for mares, and they tended to be the only ones who participated in any form of gift giving. I thought that it was a little much for them to just wait and receive gifts like some layabout, but I knew the work ethic of each man personally so it’s not like I thought they were lazy. I may not like Valentine’s Day or Hearts and Hooves Day, but I do like making my loved ones smile and I had a couple different plans for doing that.

A few days before the holiday, I talked to Twilight about scheduling the day out so that I can spend an equal amount of time with her and Flutters, but lo’ and fucking behold, Rarity wanted time too. I was going to have to sit her down and talk to her, informing all three of them that she wasn’t getting a date per se. None of them liked the idea, but it was what it was. Twilight told me that the girls had just assumed that I would pick whoever I wanted to spend the day with more and that they would go from there. Whether or not they were chosen was up to me, but my main thing was to make my girlfriends have a good day. Rarity was getting a lunch and a talking to. Maybe. Aside from Rarity, I thought that it was mature of them to think like that, but I knew that in any case it would hurt the one that I didn’t choose more than I was willing to. Twilight and I worked out an easy schedule that I was going to widen by way of being a dick. I would rise with Fluttershy and have a date with her. Then, I would accompany Rarity for a ‘handful of hours’ and go have lunch with her. Once dinner rolled around, Twilight would bring up the rear and I would spend a few more hours with her. All in all, I was going to have a busy day, and I was sure that I would have something to look forward to in the morning if Fluttershy’s track record held firm.

I asked Twilight to go tell Rarity her ‘hours’ so I could cover Fluttershy, but then Spike came into the room and asked why we didn’t just use his own fire breath to send the girls notes instead of spending so much time walking around. I gave him his due for pointing out something that should have been obvious and Twilight and I wrote a note to each girl. There was also a note sent to Applejack to get her attention and let her know that I’d be swinging by for dinner like Granny requested. I found it a little strange that Twilight tended to be my liaison for the girls if I ever wanted something, but then I thought about Twilight’s pure administrative prowess and I got a lot less surprised. There was the simple fact that she could teleport people places and the little brother who I was truly growing to love could send a message by exhaling. Between the two of them, it made sense to make Twilight my steward and Spike my messenger. It sounds arrogant to put it like that, but Spike calls me ‘The Pond of Wisdom’ because of some goofy Equestrian folk tale. Apparently it pertained to a pond that held the world’s secrets, but was covered in algae that would drive you crazy if you touched it.

As for Twilight, the girl could probably catalogue every Asian nation based on culture, features, and fashion and get away with doing so because she was just so loveable. Most of the time, that is. Twilight’s geeky enthusiasm for tasks that are considered too boring for living hands always made me chuckle a little, if anything than just for the simple fact that she was dealing with it and not me. While I sat and cuddled with Twilight, I wondered just how much time she spent organizing shite when I wasn’t around, then came to the conclusion that there was too much shite in some kind of nonsensical order around her house for me to think about it too hard.

I chilled out with Twilight for a little while after we’d sent notes to Rarity, AJ, and Fluttershy, though all we did was sit and read while cuddling like usual. I liked reading well enough in England, but there was just something better about it in Equestria. It most certainly had nothing to do with the subjects available or the typical Equestrian style of writing, both of which bored me to tears most of the time. I believe the thing I enjoyed most was peeking into Twilight’s own little private world, digging into her sandbox and finding the little treasures she’s always uncovering. Usually, when she would sit down and read a book for hours instead of minutes, it was because she actually wanted to enjoy the book. During those times, Twilight was down for some mild contact, but with Hearts and Hooves Day coming up, she was a little bit more friendly than usual. Instead of the casual connection we usually had, Twilight asked to switch it up and thus she and I were sitting on her floor back to back reading like some fucking nerds or something.

It was a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. Eventually my ass got tired of the hardwood floor, so we turned our floor party into a couch party. My favourite wizard ended up laying on me so she could continue reading in comfort, though I think she just wanted more physical affection. It wasn’t like Twilight to get into someone’s personal space, but I thought that she might be easing up around me just a little more. I watched Twilight read for a few minutes because I like looking at her sometimes, despite having my own book to read. I couldn’t put a finger on exactly why I liked to just sit and look at Twilight from time to time, but I assumed it was what actual love felt like. That little light in your heart that kind of aches, though the pain’s so sweet it’s like eating Charms for hours and never getting sick of them. It made me want to hold her close and commit the moment to memory, appreciate every aspect of what made Twilight sparkle.

I could go on about Fluttershy as well, however, like your average parent, I had a clear favourite. I tended to spend more time with Twilight than Fluttershy, though I still tried to spread my time evenly. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy my time with Fluttershy, but it was definitely clear that I’d been obligated to be with her from the beginning, and even if I did love her, it was more as a friend than as a potential wife. That, and my time with Fluttershy was mostly physical and sexual. My main Love Language is gestures of affection, yes, but it’s not the only one I ‘speak’, so to say. Fluttershy’s pretty much limited to carnal desires, but with Twilight… Well, it was a little rare that I found someone appealing that I didn’t want to have sex with, and Twilight was pretty much the only one that had happened with, so she was special to me. She never asked for much more than the occasional session with the toy I’d given her, but beyond that we didn’t spend much time with bodily intimacy at all. Hell, I don’t think I’ve even seen Twilight completely naked yet, but it’s not like I’m complaining about it.

As I sat with Twilight, my mind continued to wander until I shut that shit down. It wouldn’t do me any favours to ruminate on the relationship I had with Twilight unless I shared my observations with her, but how exactly does one go about telling one of their girlfriends that she’s the favourite and that the other one is being outclassed by your best friend? It gets a little more convoluted when those girls have been friends longer than they’ve known you, so I believe that my hesitance to say something that might start some serious bullshit was well warranted. Twilight could be mine as long as I did right by her and kept trying to better myself. Fluttershy would stick around as long as the dick stayed good, but that’s not what I want to be wanted for. Applejack...

After spending the afternoon with Twilight, I went to go see Applejack since she was closer so I could spend some time with her too, but unfortunately she had gotten a lot of business out west leading up to Hearts and Hooves Day and she was working her arse off to help out some family, going away for a little bit. I think Apple Bloom and Granny were the only ones home at the time, though that was one more Pony than I needed to stop by anyway. After a mug of warm cider and some shared stories, I left Granny to her own devices and went to go see Fluttershy for a while, though that ended how it usually tends to. Fluttershy probably liked sex more than I did, seeing as how she withstood both my and Applejack’s voracious sexual appetites on nearly a daily basis. When I’d first met her I’d expected Fluttershy to be shy about intimacy, and during her first time she somewhat was. After that, however, she grew to become a serious threat to my stamina and would happily go for hours if there was nothing else to do. Seeing as how Fluttershy was easily one of the most well-endowed women I’d ever seen, I wasn’t exactly bitching about getting to lay that pretty much whenever I pleased, and I was proud to call her mine, though it was for more than just her body. Fluttershy had a strange and beautiful mind at times too, and I often said random things to her just to see what she’d say. I’d once told her that I’d let her lick my bum if I could do hers, and she was ready to do it in a heartbeat. I never did tell her how weird I thought that was, though the sex that night was… interesting… Damn that woman can ride.

Once Fluttershy and I finished acting like some of her animals, I said my goodbyes to her before trudging through the darkness of winter to get home. A part of the reason I’d stopped going to Fluttershy’s as often as I used to was because I missed Lupa something fierce, and being at Fluttershy’s just reminded me that my companion was off doing something incredibly dangerous for my sake. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t really talk to anyone about what Lupa was doing, so I was relegated to speaking about how it made me feel and why it made me feel so bad.

Despite how our relationship might seem at times, I really do love and trust Lupa more than just about anyone else. We trade barbs, deride one another, insult, jab, jibe, and generally threaten each other with various forms of long and painful deaths, but that was just how we were. Our morbid senses of humour and general apathy towards being nice were complimentary. Fluttershy told us that we were like two dead peas in a dried up pod, and I couldn’t help but agree with her. When Lupa was miserable, I was miserable. When I wasn’t happy, she pretended not to care so I would just get mad instead of sad. It sounds stupid and unhealthy, but it worked for us, so you can suck it. Or blow it. Lick it, perhaps? Maybe just touch it a little? A quick handy is all I’m asking here.

Speedy sexual favours notwithstanding, the days leading up to Hearts and Hooves day were filled with preparations. Fluttershy would come over to my house and I would make her breakfast, though I didn’t tell her that I was going to be doing so. I’d gotten all of the women in my life some boxes of chocolates that I’d ordered from Canterlot, and I got Briar Rose, my friend and gardener, to make a few bouquets of her special crossbred flower so I could give them to Fluttershy, Granny, and Twilight. I thought that it only made sense for me to give my women a little something extra since they put up with me more and more often than just about anyone else, which is why I was going through so much trouble to make our first Hearts and Hooves day together special. And Granny feeds me, so she gets flowers when I have the time to drop them off.

I wanted to make Twilight and Fluttershy’s first official Heart’s and Hooves day special, but not too special, mind you, because I still have about sixty years of these damned holidays left and I need to save some ideas. It wasn’t that moderating my plans was hard, it was just that I was trying to do something nice and I prefer to go all out instead of doing small favours. Hearts and Hooves Day came by and smacked me in the face with the fact that it didn’t really matter what I wanted, at least not in my eyes. I woke up around five in the morning so I could be dressed and ready for Fluttershy when she came over so we wouldn’t lose any time. I’d given myself two hours, which I knew was plenty of time as long as I didn’t fuck off doing any one particular thing for too long. Lo’ and behold, I decided to shave and spent a little extra time being careful because of it. That cost me more time than I could really spare, so I was extra grateful for having gone with the sweeter, carob-scented soap I had since it would play off of my natural scent pretty well. It eliminated the need to choose a cologne or oils since the soap had come with matching accoutrements, and honestly, if I hadn’t gone with that particular soap, it could have been another ten minutes before I decided on the scent I wanted my gals to remember.

In any case, I got lucky and Fluttershy was a little late to arrive since she’d showered and changed after feeding her animals. I’d had a bit of time to spare for preparations, so I spent it as wisely as I could. When I let her in, I took her coat from her and said, “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Miss Collywobbles.”

Fluttershy beamed and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Thank you, Cherry Bear, happy Hearts and Hooves day to you too! Are you ready for your present?”

“Ah, no, not quite yet. I thought we could have breakfast first,” I said with a smile.

She continued to smile, but I saw her eye twitch like it usually did when I backflipped onto her nerves out of nowhere. “... If you wanted me to make breakfast, you could have come to my house...”

I gave her a look. “Who said you were making breakfast? Nutty little tart, aren’t you? Banana nut tart, I’d say.”

Fluttershy blinked at me. “It’s Hearts and Hooves Day, Max.”

“I know that. I told you to have a happy one, like, not even two full minutes ago,” I remarked.

The expression on her face was a little amusing. “... Max, why are you making your mare breakfast on Hearts and Hooves Day? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“I’m making you breakfast because that’s how things were done back in England. I know it’s more of ‘you give me things’ type deal here, but the exact opposite was true back home and it just doesn’t feel right for me to just receive instead of giving. I mean, if you want to give me sex and chocolate, I’m perfectly okay with that, but I still want to do something nice for you.”

Fluttershy’s eyes had started to glisten and she trapped me in a wonderful hug a second later. “Oh Max! You really do care!”

I hugged her back, grimacing at the implication. “No shit, Flutters. I wouldn’t tell you that I do if I didn’t.”

She gave me a kiss and another squeeze. “I know, I know, that’s not what I meant, silly~”

I let it go since it wasn’t worth making a mountain out of a molehill. “In the spirit of caring, I figured something quick, but delicious would be good for breakfast.”

Butterbear beamed brilliantly. “I’ll help!”

I gave her a look and informed her that she would not, in fact, be helping. Luckily, all of my shit was ready to go, though Fluttershy tried to insist on butting in with breakfast. I told her that I was going to shove the wide part of a spatula somewhere unpleasant if she continued with her shenanigans, so she put her hands behind her back and wandered around my kitchen with me as I worked. I’d had the town blacksmith make me some cookie cutters in various shapes and sizes, so I made heart shaped pancakes, fried eggs, and I’d even put together a little salad full of things I knew Fluttershy liked. I’d kept all the different herbs and flowers separated, just how she liked them. The only real difficult part about making breakfast was spelling ‘I love you’ backwards onto a pancake with blueberries, but the main problem I had was trying to get Fluttershy to wait patiently. I caught her preparing to wash the dishes I was dirtying, trying to set the table, and watching my food on the stove while I was off doing something else. I told her that she was allowed to set the table, but that anything that was an actual chore was off limits. She was more upset about that than I would have been, though that isn’t really saying much. I tried to explain to Fluttershy that having her do any functional part of my plans for her would defeat the purpose of me doing them in the first place, but she was determined to make me happy. I told her that letting me make her happy would make me happy, so she eventually quit her shit and had a seat at my kitchen table.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that she’d only sat down because everything was cooked and ready to eat until after the fact.

I was mildly annoyed that Fluttershy had gone out of her way to help me when I’d asked her to standby, but it’s not like I could really stay mad over a truly thoughtful gesture, it just hadn’t been what I’d wanted at the moment. Any hint of annoyance disappeared when I saw Fluttershy’s face after setting her breakfast down in front of her. The sincere smile on her face just made me even happier that I’d chosen to spend my morning with her. I got my own shit on the table and we started eating, though Fluttershy had wanted to take a commemorative photo. I took one of us and of the food, despite how much I hated doing so. Seriously; Eat the fucking food. Why photograph it? In Fluttershy’s case, I understood because it was her first real Hearts and Hooves Day, so I was willing to be a bit more lenient with her than most.

There was plenty of time for me to spend with Fluttershy since she didn't actually know Rarity’s hours, so of course we did a little dance and made a little love. Sex with Flutters is always nice and the holiday made it even better than usual, but the physical aspect of intimacy was being lost on me more and more as I found myself chasing her lips and holding her warmth to my chest. Getting laid mattered considerably less and I hoped that I was going to get to cuddle Twilight too later in the day. That being said, we had a post-coital shower and I brought out the bouquet I got for her, which made Fluttershy almost start crying. Briar Roses were hard to come by and she was more excited about them than basically anything else I’d done for her so far. I wasn’t offended or anything. Most certainly not. Fluttershy asked if I was being difficult while I was pretending to give her the cold shoulder, so I tickled her for calling me out and we parted ways after having had a good time.

The next person I had to see was one of the only two girls in our group who’d ever had a date for Hearts and Hooves Day, though she had been fond of bitching about how dreadful the stallion she’d been dating at the time was in the past few days. I figured I could top that easily with some rock-hard rejection at Rarity’s expense. It wasn’t like I wanted to shoot her down, but I’d already give her the chance to be with me and she’d turned me down, especially after making things hella awkward between us for her own reasons. I walked to Rarity’s and made excellent time while doing so. She was ecstatic to see that I was giving into some of the more subtle nuances of aristocratic society with the way I’d dressed for the day, so I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I actually didn’t give a fourth of a shit about tying a goddamn tie.

She asked for a moment to get ready for lunch and I stopped her with a single, “Why?”

Rarity gave me a blank look. “... I beg your pardon?”

“Rarity. I gave you the chance to have a life with me. I offered myself to you and you said no. I offered to keep doing what we were doing, I offered something different, and I offered the same deal we had in the beginning. You said no to all of that. I asked you out and you said no.”

Her face held nothing for me to go on for once. “... Oh.”

I pursed my lips. “... You didn’t think you’d just get everything that comes with being with me without making so much as half a commitment, did you? Because you already called off the Friends with Benefits thing, Rarity. You already put a stop to that, and then you came back and said that you wanted more.”

“... But I thought… When Fluttershy and I-”

“I would’ve had to turn Fluttershy down too and that wasn’t fair to her. And I wanted some sex. Yeah, I’m a terrible person. What else is new?”

“... Celestia damn it, Max.” She breathed. “You- You- You used me!?”

I tilted my head. “Any more than you used me? I think not, love. I rather think not. You’re the user, Rarity. You’re the one who strings people along to get what you want from them. Does your own medicine make you sick to your stomach, or do you like the taste? I’ve never met anyone who does.”

Tears formed in her eyes. “I… I didn’t do that! I’ve never-”

“And you’re just going to lie to my face like that? You know I’m well aware of the fact that you’ve been trying to use my station to further your career, right? The people of Canterlot are on the side of the nobles, Rarity. I get letters asking if I really do back you, and here lately? I don’t.” I shrugged. “You haven’t asked me a damn thing. I said I’d help you, but a lot of the letters I get are asking about ‘The shady mare from the no-name town you look after’, so I can’t say that you’ve been using my name for good.” I looked her dead in her treacherous eyes. “What do you have to say for yourself? You used me until I cut you off. I gave and gave and you took and took, so you can’t be fuckin’ mad for a bleedin’ second that I turned the tables on you.”

“... I…”

“Goodbye, Rarity. Maybe now you’ll see that some changes need to be made that aren’t just my own,”

I turned to leave and she stopped me with magic, tears streaming down her face. “M-Max… I-I’m… I’m st-still a good p-pony… A-Aren’t I?”

“... Not to people you can use, Rarity… The more you want from someone, the less you actually care about them.”

She bit her lips and looked down, but it wasn’t my cue to leave. There was something else on the tip of her tongue, and if I left before the moment was right, then I felt like I’d miss out on an important piece of information. Then she said, “... I guess you’re not the only one who had changing to do… I don’t want to thank you for speaking your mind, but it was something I needed to hear all the same.”

I nodded. “Take care, Rarity. I don’t hate you, love.”

“... Thank you.”

With that, I fucked off toward Sweet Apple Acres, had a cuppa cider with Granny, gave her the flowers I got for her, then headed toward Twilight’s when the sun started to set. I mean, Granny was pretty happy that I came to visit and brought flowers, but it wasn’t really the brightest part of my day so far. Yes, her smile and appreciation had been lovely, though I was really, truly looking forward to getting down to business with Twilight. However, as I entered town again and crossed the streets therein as the dwindling light dyed the town in a warm glow unbefitting of the storm rolling in. I couldn’t help the bolt of melancholy that struck me, my thoughts wandering as I meandered my way through quiet, snow-laden streets. The silence of winter had always been something I appreciated. Yes, it could make a job that much harder, but it was also the time when most people would be in their homes more often, and Christmas was a lucrative time of year.

I thought about the couple of Christmases I’d spent with Max and the ones I remembered with Dad and Babs, but Hearth’s Warming Day had passed a while ago and having my thoughts round back to my time in Equestria made me think of Rarity. Maybe I’d been a little harsh with her, maybe I’d been just callous enough to get my point across. I didn’t want to be used by anyone any more. Not her, not Celestia, and not the fucking people I actually cared about. I took a deep breath as I strode on and let the good vibes that had come early in the day ease back into my psyche. Even if I wasn’t as sure about being in love with Fluttershy as I was with Twilight, I knew that I loved her and spending time with someone who actually gave a damn about which direction my lips curved in was always worthwhile. Rarity had growing to do and that’s all I could really conclude on. There was a lot I still needed to do to become someone I’d like if I met me, but it was about time that I stopped letting my flaws fill my vision and let the ones who called themselves my friends know that I wasn’t the only one who could do with some change. Didn’t mean I was going to be as cold about it as I was with Rarity, but enough hints had been dropped and her lesson should have been learned a while ago.

Before I even really checked back in to see where I was, the Treebrary was directly to my left and I was about to pass it. Instead of going straight in like she’d said I could, I took the time to see if Golden Oaks had changed since I’d first seen it. I tried to remember what it’d been like in the months since I’d come to Equestria. It made me smile to think that the tree was the same as it had been when I’d first met the positive purple people inside. Some things didn’t have to change, and even if Spike was growing into a man, Twilight… Well, she was just about fuckin’ lovely the way she was, init? Thinking about Cherry made me want a sweet kiss from her, so I wandered inside and looked around. No one was in the kitchen or the library, so I headed upstairs and no one was there either. Spike was probably with Pinkie or had been with Apple Bloom while I was at Sweet Apple Acres. I’d barely seen her and she was extra smiley while I was there, so it made sense.

There weren’t many places to look for people in the first place, so I went down to the basement and saw Twilight faffing and science-ing about with various chemicals. I figured that it would suck pretty hard if my sudden entrance made Twilight blow us both up, so I stayed quiet and watched her work because I never got invited to watch her experiments. She was only wearing gloves and goggles, so I figured that distance would be my PPE for the time being. Speaking of protection, I would’ve accepted a chastity belt while watching Cherry work, because smart women? Especially nerds? Hotter than I thought. Couldn’t explain it if I tried, but the sheer grace and authority that Twilight moved with, the determination and analyzation in her gaze…

She wasn’t looking, so I stuffed it down the leg of my trousers while she was neutralizing stuff. Seeing her smile while she took notes and finished up was nowhere near as arousing as seeing her work, but it most certainly was endearing. When her hands were clear and the gloves were off I started sneaking closer. Twilight turned around and I rushed to her right so she would move to the left, thus giving me a chance to chase her a bit and spook her. Twilight’s sheer fear was hilarious and she didn’t even move when she saw me. I basically just took a quick step and scooped her up away from her work so we wouldn’t, again, die.

Twilight squealed like I was stabbing her until I shouted “BOO!” From there, she glared at me, shut up, and thrashed about until I set her back on her feet- er, hooves. When she had solid… hoofing, I guess, Twilight smacked my shit like I’d insulted her dead grandmother. I hadn’t been expecting the slap, let alone the power of her backhand, so I rocked back a little. I just gave Twilight a stern look. “Fuckin’- Was that really necessary!?”

Twilight shoved a judicious finger in my face. “Do you even realize how dangerous that was!? You could have gotten us both killed!”

I brushed my cheek off and initiated E.P.S; English Patronizing Sarcasm. “Gosh, Twily, sorry for waiting until you finished safe-ing up the chemicals and your notes, I wasn’t thinking. Wait, that’s…” She bit her lips. “Yeah, yeah, that’s logical. Sorry, let me try again. Sorry for waiting for you to finish for the past fifteen fucking minutes. Oh wait, that happened.” Twilight folded her hands. “Sorry Cherry, I keep getting this apology wrong, I’ll get it right this time.” I cleared my throat, watching as Twilight’s chin tucked to her chest. “It’s not like I waited until you stepped away from the table. Or that I moved us away from your dangerous crap. Wait, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is all wrong. I mean, I shouldn’t have been so punctual-” I paused. “Wait a second~”

“... I’m… I’m sorry,” Twilight murmured. I raised a brow. “I-I-I’m so sorry, Max, I-I didn’t know, I- the… The time just got away from me…”

Apology accepted, but you owe me a giggle and… Hm… I measured my response and thought about why I was actually mad at her, deciding her apology wasn’t what I was after. “What are you sorry for?”

Twilight found particular interest in the ground. “...I’m sorry for slapping you, Max, I really-”

“Twilight-” She flinched at my tone, so I took another approach. I was trying to get a point across, not be a bad boyfriend. I let my hands slide down her arms until I was holding her delicate digits, certain that I had her full attention. ”Twilight… I’m not mad that you slapped me, I’m mad you think I’m stupid enough to put your life in danger. I mean seriously; I’d never forgive myself if I ever hurt you again, and I know that because I still haven’t forgiven myself for the first time. I swear, Twilight, I’ll never put you in harm’s way unless harm is your nickname for my lips.”

“... You said my life, not ours, Max...” Twilight pointed out quietly. “... Thank you for worrying about me, but don’t you think I worry about you too? What if I’d knocked you into the table…? What if-”

“What if you stopped trying to turn this around on me and we go back to ‘your life, not ours’. I defend that one because I come close to dying like, every time I leave Ponyville.” We both pursed our lips.

“And sometimes you don’t even have to-”

“Point being that just because I’m willing to risk losing my life doesn’t mean that I’m willing to risk yours,” I grunted irritably.

Twilight shuffled her feet and continued staring at the ground. “... Well, I don’t want to risk either, Amour...”

“You’re about to risk getting kissed if you giggle.”

Twilight burst into a little round of chuckles as she gave me a stern look. “Darn it, Max! You don’t have to make me feel better all the time! You can just-”

I echoed her as she said, “Let a mare be mad-”

My girlfriend was blushing while trying to resist a smile as I shrugged. “I’m not saying I’ve heard it before, but I am saying that I like you too much to let you be mad. Whether that means you’re mad at me or yourself, I’m not going to let either pass if I can help it.”

She let me bring her in for the hug. “... You know, I love you, I know you pretty well, and I know you’d never hit me for no reason-” I opened my mouth and she gave me a look, which kind of hurt my feelings. “Max, let’s be honest; chivalry isn’t your strong suit.”

“Oi!”

“You’re nice when you feel like it.”

“Oi- Well, you’re not wrong, but that’s still kinda rude, Twi…”

She smiled at me. “I love you even when you’re not nice, though.”

“And I love you when you’re mean, which you are. All the time.” She rolled her eyes. “Exhibit A.”

“Mhm, my point was that I kind of expected you to hit me back on some level, even though I already knew you wouldn’t… I’m not saying you sho-” I fish-hooked her and bent her sideways. “Mash!”

“You were saying, my love?”

“Shop- Mash, why oo you only oo thish to me!?”

“Because it’s really cute when you talk with a heavy lisp.” I removed my finger from her mouth and accepted the light blow when it came.

Twilight rubbed her cheek and turned her pout factor to twelve. “... You’re evil… Sometimes.”

“And you, Twilight Sparkle, are absolutely adorably, entirely enchanting, and crushingly cute. All the time. Especially when you pout like that.”

“Maximus Ignatius Gadai-”

“Don’t even, Sparklebottom Twiglips.”

She covered her mouth. “You said I had the softest lips-”

“When would I tell the truth? When you use the middle name that I hate, or when I’m making casual observations about things I love regarding my precious Cherry?”

“I love your family name!”

I gave her a look. “Gadai is perfectly cool, Twilight. Ignatius is the one I hate.”

“That’s the one I’m talking about! It’s a Dragon name! It has so much history behind it-”

“Yeah, no, it’s icky and you are literally one of two people on this entire planet that know that name, so I beg of you; Don’t use it to scold me because it already irks me good ‘n fuckin’ proper, it does.” She bit her lips, but I saw it in her eyes. “Oi, summat gotcha giggly, init?”

She burst into laughter and gave me a good squeeze. “Oh, you utter goober… I don’t know how you manage to tick me off harder than a broken clock, make me feel guiltier than Spike after I catch his claws in the cookie jar, tick me off again, and then make me-” Twilight froze, her smile going from warm and a little frustrated to panicked and awkward.

“... Are you good, Cherry?”

“Ah-ha-”

“Oh, no, just tell me, Twi. You know I’ll probably do something to fix it.”

It took a while before her eyes finally found mine. “Well… I didn’t really plan anything for us to do…”

I raised a brow. “That’s a little odd of you, though I can’t say that I’m disappointed.”

“I know! I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought you might like to have a relaxing night in since the weather’s so bad and you’ve been doing things all day with Rarity and Fluttershy so I-”

I shut her up with a kiss because I could barely keep up with what she was saying. Twilight melted in my embrace, so I held her for a while and extended the kiss for another ten seconds. Then another ten. It went on for a little longer than it probably should have, but it was worth every second. I noticed that Twilight’s breathing started to get a little ragged, which told me that it was a good time to stop before she passed out or something. It was a brief thought when I considered stepping back to have a look at Twilight’s face, but decided to hold her for a little while longer until she snapped out of it. About fifteen seconds later, Twilight’s head was still on my chest, so I took a half step back, making her head fall forward. Twilight started and cast a few glances at our surroundings.

“Oi, Twilight?” I asked.

“Yes? What is it?” She responded uneasily.

“I said I wasn’t disappointed that you didn’t plan anything, just for the record.” I grinned.

“Oh. Oh. Did I just ignore what you actually said again?” Twilight asked meekly.

“Yes, yes you did.” I kissed her horn and she blushed. “You’re the most loveable dork I’ve ever met, you know that, right?”

Twilight’s face grew redder. “I think dork means something else to Humans.”

“The colloquial usage or the actual definition? I can give you both.”

She gave me an uneasy look. “... I really hope you weren’t calling me the actual definition.”

“See, you might be a dork, but I’m a real dorca.” I winked at her and she rolled her eyes.

“I think I get the picture, Mr. Killer Whale. If you want to head upstairs while I finish putting everything back, you’re welcome to it,” Twilight offered.

“I’d like to stick around, but my cheek still hurts. I’ll see you upstairs.” I turned to head out.

“I apologized for that!” Twilight objected. Oh, I’m gonna fuck with you anyways.

I sniffed sadly. “I can’t believe my so-called ‘special sompony’ would abuse me like that!” I conjured up some crocodile tears. “I never thought the ‘mare’ I love would be so ready to hurt me!”

Twilight crossed her arms and pouted hard. “I’m not falling for it.”

“If the ‘pony’ I love so much is willing to hit me, what about every other ‘pony’? How could I ever trust some’pony’ again!?” I let loose a thick sob. I sniffled and wiped my eyes, using the extra time to construct the most believably heartbroken face I could muster. Turning back to face Twilight, I made my chin quiver and kept the tears coming.

She started fidgeting, trying not to look at me. “You have other ponies you love.”

“And they hit me too! It’s like the only things ‘mares’ want me for are sex and abuse, but I don’t know how- how much more of this I can take!” I wiped my face again.

Twilight caved hard, rushing to console me. Luckily for me, her version of comforting someone in emotional distress involved putting their head on her chest, so that was nice. “Oh, Max! I never meant to hurt you, honey, it’ll be okay! I promise, nopony is ever going to hurt you again, not on my watch! You just let it out and let Twilight take care of everything, okay?”

I straightened up, cleared my throat and got my face fixed. “Thanks Cherry,” I said normally, “nice to know I have a cute bodyguard.”

Twilight blinked at my sudden change in demeanour. “Did you just fake being sad?”

I grinned deviously. “What are you talking about? I was just about to head upstairs.”

“No, you were just crying about being hit by everypony!”

I gave her an odd look and put my hand on her forehead. “Are you sure you’re okay, Cherry? I think you’ve been down here with the fumes too long.”

Twilight glared at me. “You are so not making me think I’m crazy. I might have fallen for the tears, but I know what I just saw. Your eyes are still red!”

“Yeah, so are yours. We just got done smoking, Twilight,” I answered, trying to sound honest.

“What? Wait, no, I’m still not that gullible!”

I gave her a worried look. “I never said you were. I think we might need to reschedule our date, I think you’re beginning to hallucinate, love. Why don’t you have a lie down and I’ll make you some cocoa or something? We’ll lay off the green-”

“Max, you haven’t called me ‘love’ since you started calling me Cherry, none of those fumes were noxious, and we haven’t smoked!” Twilight protested. “You’re the one acting strange!”

I raised my hands, palms forward. “Easy, Twi. No need to get upset. I’m not here to hurt you...”

“Max, will you quit it already!?” Twilight shouted, sounding a little scared.

“Alright, that’s far enough,” I acquiesced. “That was for slapping me.”

She folded her arms and the pout that had been stuck two notches past its limit broke the dial entirely. “Again, I apologized for that!”

“Apology now accepted.” I gave her a shit eating grin, melting inside.

Twilight sighed heavily. “I can’t believe you’re that good of an actor. I thought I might actually be going insane or something.”

“Are-yay ou-yay ure-shay about-yay at-thay?” I asked

“Es-yay, oober-gay. I-yay ove-lay you-yay.”

“Fuck, you’re kinda better at Pig-Latin than I am.”

She shrugged. “Celestia and I took a trip to Ponitaly and the Pigs there-”

“Twilight, please.”

“Well, they’re fat for a reason and it’s not just because their food is delicious.”

That was actually a surprise. “Twilight! Damn!”

She stared at me. “What?”

“Are Pigs just known for obesity or something on Equus?”

“I don’t know what obesity is, but everything that’s ever seen a Pig knows it’s fat.”

“I mean, I’ve never seen a Pig here, but… I gotta admit, I never thought my super, hyper politically-correct girlfriend would ever body-shame an entire race. It’s fuckin’ hilarious!”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s great.”

Twilight smacked my arm and I pretended to be hurt. She stopped putting up with my shit, so I went upstairs and made the cocoa that I mentioned. After locating Twilight’s marshmallows, I popped a couple into each cup and took them to the library. Sadly, I wasn’t born with a tongue made out of leather, so I was going to have to wait for my cocoa to cool down before I got to the good stuff. A random thought appeared in my head and I wondered if Peppermint Schnapps existed here in some way shape or form. If anything, it just was something that I wanted Twilight to try since I’d always been a fan of fortified cocoa and wanted to share the experience with her, even if I didn’t plan on partaking. Eh, a little peppermint syrup would have the same effects without the alcohol and it’s not like Twilight’s fond of liquor.

In any case, the violet, violent Unicorn eventually came upstairs, though it had taken her the better part of an hour. By the time she finally schlepped her arse into the library, the cocoa was cold and I was nose deep in a book about Equestrian moral quandaries. Not to poke fun at Ponies in general, but the book was absolutely, unequivocally the funniest shite I ever read while knowing the author was severely serious. There were things such as what kind of pastry to give to a new neighbour and how the wrong one sent a bad message, whether or not disliking someone else’s kid is a bad thing all the time, and what to do if your multiple lovers all want to spend more time with you on the same day at the same moment. Twilight caught me giggling to something or other, though when she saw what I was reading she just told me that she thought I was crazy. I reminded her that Human philosophy and societal norms were a lot darker and generally more critical than Pony morality, so she let me have that one. It’s not like she could have argued against it without picking my brain and finding out more than she wanted to know anyway.

While getting on with our night, Twilight heated our cocoa with E-Z Magic™ and we were able to have ourselves a nice warm drink while looking outside at the storm blowing in. I tried to get Twilight to relax a bit, but the night had just started on the wrong foot and she was still feeling bad about slapping my shit like I was a disobedient red-headed stepchild. Not that you need a reason to slap a ginger, but anyway, I told her to just let it go since I already had. Then she apologized for just being moody in general and I wasn’t having that shit, so I tickle tortured her until she was a quivering mess. After that, Twilight pouted for a little bit, though she still came to realize that I was just trying to put a smile on her face. I could practically see the moment it dawned on her and couldn’t help the smile that came to my lips, even if it was more of a smirk.

In any case, I got snuggles like never before when Twilight all but climbed into my lap and laced her arms around my neck. The grin got goofy and I took a sec to shut the fuck up and not ruin the moment before Twilight broke the silence with, “Max, can I ask you a question?”

I gave her a little squeeze, not able to stop myself. “Other than that one?”

She gave me a womanly look, so I shut up. “Yes, other than that one.”

I gestured for her to continue. When she didn’t, I asked, “What’s your question, Cherry? If I know, I’ll answer honestly. If I don’t, it’ll make you either give me a-”

“Max…” She intoned softly, letting me take her hand. “... Why don’t you want to have… Why aren’t we as intimate as you are with other mares?”

“I didn’t think physical affection was your thing, honestly. I thought you appreciated the conversation and emotion bits more than me making you feel physically satisfied.”

She giggled and stroked my chest lightly, the smile in her voice evident. “You’re not wrong, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

“How about another question, then? Do you remember when I said we’d take things at your pace?”

She took a moment to pull away, the shine in her eyes making every word seem even more worthy of the moment. “You know I do, silly… It’s the kindest thing I could’ve asked from you and you didn’t need me to say a word…”

“Because I love you too much to rush this. To rush us… Celestia and I slammed our heads together and argued pretty often. Fluttershy and I are… Admittedly almost purely physical. Yeah, Twilight, I really do like sex and cuddling, but… There are only three people I’ve ever trusted as much as I trust you. One was Babs, and I trusted her to fuck me over every time she needed something. The second was Maxwell, because that man never turned his back on me a day after we met…” I thought about it as Twilight hung onto my words. “...The third might be a cop, oddly enough.”

“A- Wait, a police officer? The bad stallion Oscar?”

“No, not that cunt. I meant Deputy Lucille. Helluva gal, was always fair to me and never kept me in the tank longer than she thought necessary. That woman should’ve locked my arse up a couple times, but I think she was sweet on me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Eh, Elfriede was evil and she likes me, but that’s beside the point. All that’s beside the point. The thing is that I trust you more than anyone else on this planet, Cherry. Even when I’ve been at my lowest, you still let me know I was worth the dirt I walked on. As much as I trust you, I could never forgive myself if I hurt you while trying to get my own pleasure out of our time together. I love you too much to push you into something you’re not ready for, and you’re not ready. It’s not a bad thing-”

“What makes you think I’m not ready?”

“Do you think you could handle my dick filling you up, each throb of-”

“Okay. Okay. I get it. Not ready. So not ready.” She started fanning herself as I giggled. Twilight blushed and folded her hands in front of her, leaving me feeling like I’d fucked up until she said, “Thank you, but other than… Intercourse, I didn’t really get you a Hearts and Hooves Day present…”

“Which reminds me, I’ve got to give you yours.” I stood and went to go get Twilight’s gifts from the kitchen. Her chocolate and flowers were presented to her with a smile.

Her presents were not received with a smile. “I-I… I’m such a bad special somepony! I can’t even get Hearts and Hooves Day right, and I’m supposed to be the mare in the relationship! What kind of mare doesn’t do anything for their special somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day!?” She wailed. Just a little melodramatic.

She would have gone on, but I really wasn’t trying to hear anymore of her self-deprecating nonsense, so I hit her as hard as I possibly could in the most metaphorical of sense with a kiss that shut her up. I usually loved hearing Twilight talk about pretty much anything, but hearing her get down on herself? Worse than dealing with Applejack doing it for different reasons, though that’s not to downplay how much it pisses me off to hear AJ ruining her own self-esteem. In either case, my lips could get a message across whether I needed them to make audible words or convey the things that the ultimately meaningless sounds never would.

Once I was sure that Twilight understood, I booped her nose to get her attention. “You know, Cherry, I’ve been doing things for my women all day. I cooked Fluttershy breakfast, took Rarity to town,” Goddamn, you’re a horrible person. Way to backslide. “and I planned on making you dinner, but then I saw your pantry.” She blushed and I rolled my eyes. “All I wanted out of today was to spend some one-on-one time with my girls, and I got to do that. I’m getting to do that. Don’t feel bad about not planning or getting me anything because I already got everything I wanted when you cuddled up to me... Just being able to spend the day with people that love me was a gift all on its own, Twilight, and capping it off with you is why you were last in the first place.”

Twilight sniffled and hiccupped while I tried to wipe the tears from her face. “I-I don’t know w-why you th-think you’re such a b-bad pony-”

“Oi, let’s not get into that right this moment,” I admonished gently. “I know I have my good days and bad ones, so let’s just enjoy this good day, yeah?” Just don’t talk to Rarity until say… Never?

“... I love you, Max.”

“I love you too, Twilight. Even if you are the goofiest goober to ever be the colour of a tuber.”

She nuzzled me and asked, “What tuber do you know that’s violet?”

“The original breed of carrots,” She gave me a look, “there are purple potatoes, and there’s this really fuckin’ awesome sweet-potato-thing called ube from like, Asia or something? It’s great, just super sweet.”

“You’re super sweet…”

“There’s a question on the tip of your tongue.” She puffed out a chuckle, but it sounded a lot more exhausted than the early hour would generally permit. “C’mon, Twilight. We can always speak our minds to each other, right? Even if we don’t directly address the things that we’re worried about, there’s still room for us to get our feelings out there, yeah?”

“... Max…?”

“Yes?”

“... What do you see in me?”

“Really?” I asked, frankly surprised.

“You don’t have to say it like that!” She mewled.

“Well… It’s just because it’s incredibly obvious to me. Your kindness could slap Fluttershy’s some days, you’re more generous with your time and knowledge than anyone I know, and your brand of honesty is the sweetest when the situation calls for it and harsh when it has to be. Your jokes aren’t always amazing, but the ones that are good are great, and there’s no one I know more ready to defend a friend than you. There’s a lot to love about you, and that doesn’t even touch on your compassion, your sweetness, the way your smile makes my heart turn into a puddle all the time and I had to have a special bowl made for it, etcetera etcetera. There’s so much, I can kind of just keep going on, like with your cute little button nose, or the adorable little dimples in your cheeks when you smile extra big, or-”

Twilight kissed me, but not for long. The look in her eye told me all I need to know, so I kissed her back and we enjoyed a few minutes of companionable silence, occasionally ‘interrupted’ by kisses and caresses. I hesitate to use the word ‘interruption’ since it has a negative context, but I already- suspended! The silence was occasionally suspended with gentle pecks and little else. Other than Twilight and I gazing into each other’s eyes and staining the room with so much mush, Spike was likely going to vomit on entry, not much else happened. Sex was shelved for another day and Twilight’s gift was her… Everything. Everything that she was to me was more than enough of a gift, though it’s not like I’d expected shite in the first place.

I vied to spend the night with Twilight, but she argued against the fairness of the matter and I was incredibly tempted to tell her that it had been up to me to decide who to spend the day with in the first place. In any case, I respected her decision and accepted that she wanted to make things as even as we’d set them out to be, so I let Twilight send me home with magic since the storm had blown in and walking home would’ve probably killed me. Again, I should’ve stayed, but Twilight is as Twilight does.

Speaking of shite Twilight does, never get teleported by a tired Unicorn. I ended up falling onto my coffee table, though I don’t know exactly how high I was in the air. In any case, I had myself a painful little pratfall that did make me feel like quite the prat, although I blame Twilight for having poor aim for the fall. I collected myself from the floor and rubbed my rear to try and ease some of the pain, but there was no helping it for the time being. The corner of the table had been jammed into one of my cheeks, making it hurt to walk, sit, and lay down on my back, so I ended up spending the night on my stomach which was more comfortable than I thought it would be. I usually slept on my side or back since sleeping on one’s stomach sounded like a good way to suffocate, but trying it was actually rather nice, and my arse didn’t hurt. Everyone important got what they wanted

I spent much of the next day writing and sitting on my recliner, the softest chair I own. My arse was still aching, and I hadn’t even fallen for Crimson or anything. For whatever fucking reason, my healing factor wasn’t kicking in and it was sucking something fierce, though I did notice that I was unusually hungry. I got something to eat and wondered how Fluttershy put up with arse pain, but then I remembered that she was a bit of a masochist anyway and loved it when I spanked her. Or bit her. And pinching, she loved a little well-placed pinch. I, on the other hand, am highly allergic to pain, so I was feeling a little grouchy about Twilight’s little blunder. I wrote her a note telling her to kiss my arse since she’d been the one to bruise it in the first place. She politely declined, though she did apologize for dropping me like a sack of parsnips. Why parsnips? I don’t know, maybe it’s just a parsnip kind of day.

The morning mostly consisted of catching up my journals, copying more of them into my enchanted journal, and generally trying to keep myself busy. I considered going into my greenhouse to check things out, but when I went to leave through the back door I saw that snow was piled about halfway up. That wasn’t even a drift. It was just a FUCKTON OF SNOW. I looked out to my greenhouse in the glaring white light and saw that an actual drift was halfway up that bastard. With the day pretty much shut down as for travelling, I closed my back door and went upstairs to see how much weed I had left and measured it out so that it would stretch over the course of a couple days. Luckily I’d forgotten about a box full of the stuff that I’d never taken out of my travel bags from my most recent trip to Canterlot, so I had plenty to go around. There was a lot of time for me to do nothing, especially with the sounds of the house settling being muffled by the falling snow.

It was a beautifully silent few hours that I soaked in and enjoyed as much as I possibly could, even going so far as to go to my telescope-room-thing to enjoy the quiet tranquility of damn-near total darkness. The silence was so, so sweet, which was mostly due to my perception abilities. Every day was a cacophony and I usually wore some form of porous plugs in my ears to dampen the downpour, but the snow day? No need. It was glorious. You never know how much you miss not hearing anything until you literally live a loud existence with every move you make. Yeah, I could still hear my heart, lungs, and the odd pulsing in my left arm around where it had been shattered, but it was all good. I wrote notes to all the girls, wishing them luck with the snow. Twilight was the only one Dragon Fire besides me, so I only got a response from her. I asked why she hadn’t bottled any of Spike’s fire for the girls and she told me that it was just because he wasn’t old enough to do it. Once Spike got through the worst of puberty he would be able to make his fire last without him breathing it, but until then the only way he was going to be able to send messages was by using his fire directly.

Seeing as how I was used to spending time by myself I found plenty of things to keep myself busy over the two days it took for the snow to melt enough to walk through, and not all of it was wanking, mind you. I practised all sorts of trick shots on my billiards table, and eventually got to the point where I could land them most of the time if I was focusing. My jump shot still needed a bit of work and my spin tended to taper out a little early, but they were consistent enough that I could use them as they were. I ended up inviting Twilight over and we battled back and forth, developing our skills further against a worthy opponent. Twilight took the day, but I stole her heart, so I consider that a win. Rarity wasn’t powerful enough to teleport herself over, though she could send notes. It took a lot of power for her so she only sent back a couple a day, but it was nice to hear from her anyway, especially since we were… Better. We were overall a lot better off than we had been. Apparently laying it out for her had shown her that I wasn’t the only person who had some glaring flaws, and once she consulted Rainbow and Pinkie, she found that they were willing to be up front with her. Through letters, I learned that Pinkie was as frank as I was and Rainbow was blunt, but as kind as she could be. Her next goal was to ask AJ, but I warned her to word her questions carefully since I didn’t doubt that Applejack was going to floor her with harsh facts.

Rainbow Dash stopped by on the second day of the freeze and asked if I needed anything. I offered to get her high, drunk, or both and she agreed to take my bottle of tequila off of my hands, though she told me that the snakes were going straight to Fluttershy’s the second she could fish them out of the bottle. I showed her how to get them out by plugging to hole with my finger and turning the bottle upside down. One of the little snakes swam down and latched onto my finger, so I righted the bottle and pulled my finger out. I left it there for a little bit since it didn’t hurt at all. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was using multiple fingers to get the other two snakes out of the bottle and letting them dangle off of my fingers to amuse myself and Rainbow. After letting them stay on for far too long, I put them in a bottle of vodka I didn’t plan on ever touching (Unless I was playing with my ‘pets’) and threw in some tiny slices of pineapple so they could eat. I know they didn’t really need to, but I thought it was a nice gesture. When Rainbow left, I went to go figure out how to make my trick shots better, but when I tried to play, the balls kept shifting colors. I realized that I was tripping absolute shit and muttered as much to myself, which caused some insane visualizations of my words in colours and images. I took a deep breath to calm myself down so I could get shit cleaned up and go to bed, but when I inhaled, I could smell the colours and temperature of my words. The synaesthesia was strong with the trip, so I decided to see what all I could see. Strolling on into my living room, I saw my parents sitting next to each other, playing around like a young couple deeply in love.

That went something along the lines of ‘Damn. I coulda had that.’

I sat there and watched them for a little bit, wishing that this delusion would have been my reality. Kinkaid and Babs sat together and spoke in words I couldn’t understand, looking happier together than they ever had in my eyes. Maxwell made an appearance and waved at me, speaking words that sounded like they came through cotton. A few more people that had meant a little less to me came around, including some old business partners and a cop or two. Slim John faded in from the shifting shadows and they welcomed him when it was his time to speak. I’d tried to keep it together while the longing grew ever stronger, while my heart ached for what I could have had and all the paths that lead to happier days than I’d lived on Earth. My tears fell freely through the shock and awe of a full-on Ego Death.

The light they shone with was dark and foreboding, the feeling inside making me wish I was not. Not in pain. Not seeing it. Not wishing I had it. It did me no favours to reminisce on dark days and wish that they’d been brighter, but I couldn’t get my head out of the trip. I sat and watched through the entire thing as they tried to get me to join them, my body being too intoxicated to move. The striking, jarring high started to fade so I headed upstairs to kill myself before it got any worse. It had never really worked before, but I’d gotten a manner of peace from the blackness that took over and I was more than willing to keep going until the venom was out of my system. Never. Again. While I was looking for the knife I always kept on my nightstand, I realized that I could see the Warbling Blade, but only the outline. Once I picked it up, the thing morphed and fell out of my hand, exactly where it had been before. Try and try as I might, my loyal blade wouldn’t let me do anything, speaking to me in a way I understood while fucked up. I didn’t need to die because the worst of the trip was over. I don’t know why I’m convinced the knife told me that, but it is what it is. I didn’t kill myself or even hurt myself, instead sitting on my bed and wondering how to get sober.

There was no end in sight when I heard my front door open. I decided to go check and see if anyone was there, just in case. Of course, it had just been an auditory hallucination, so I turned to head upstairs and came face to face with Luna. I took a step back and realized that she was wearing a rather pleasant looking bikini. “Goddamn, this started awful, but it got a lot better. For a delusion, you are fuckin’ lovely.” I told the warbling form of who I could have assumed to be Luna. The shapes and patterns on hallucination her attire swirled and changed until they disappeared altogether, leaving her with a simple black two piece. Checking behind her, I saw that her arse was as nice as the front bits. “Gaht. Damn. This crush is gonna kill me eventually-”

“I may crush you myself if you do not cease ogling me so rudely,” Delusion Luna deadpanned. “Truly, have you lost all sense of decency? Or are you on some manner of highly unlikely dry-streak?”

“Wow, I’ve never been scolded by a hallucination, and it’s honestly kind of a turn on. Wonder where this is going.”

Luna covered her chest and I actually looked at her face, seeing that she was wearing a light orange blush. It made me giggle. “We were going to the beach to escape the cold, but surely the lechery in your gaze could use a readjustment.”

I smiled at her and rolled my eyes. I promptly fell over because my eyes kept rolling and I couldn’t stop them, then I couldn’t stop laughing and Luna watched as I rapidly approached the point of suffocation before picking me up, holding my face in place with her hands, and giving me a funny look. Her eyes kept wobbling and shifting shapes, which made me say, “Aw, shite! Light-bite-bite~”

“You’re- You are higher than a cloud, aren’t you?”

“I’m trippin’! I’m, stumblin’! I’m trippin’! I’m stumblin’! Trippin’ cause I’m fallin’ in love~ In-in love~”

Luna started mushing my cheeks together and I giggled my fucking head off. “How likely are you to remember the hours between now and nightfall?”

“No clue!”

The Princess of the Night teleported a blouse onto herself, gave me a hug, and got rid of the shirt as soon as she pulled away. “Due to your intoxication, no one will ever believe you.”

I blinked. “... Why’d you hug me?”

“Because no one will believe it.” She smirked at me.

I tried to think about it in depth and gave Luna another hug because she was pleasantly warm. I didn’t let it last too long, but I couldn’t possibly pretend that I wasn’t happy that Luna considered me worthy of physical affection from her. Getting hit or a pat on the shoulder were to be expected, but Lulu never struck me as the type of person to do much more than shake your hand if it wasn’t a holiday. In any case, I kept the contact brief and it kind of hit me.

When I furrowed my brow and tried to focus, I couldn’t believe I was so dumb. “Wait, shit, you’re real… Damn, lookin’ good, Luna. Can barely see you, but still.”

“Hallucinations indeed. Tell me, were I to appear in such an immodest mode of dress while you were sober, would you be as inclined to make similar comments?”

“... Well, no, honestly.” I closed my eyes and rubbed them since the trip had been wearing on me for a while and pulling out of the nosedive I’d been in had left me a bit tired. “I wouldn’t have said anything or even made it obvious that I was looking if I knew you were the real you.”

“And your crush on me?”

“What crush?”

She shrugged and I could make out an amused smile on her face. “I suppose I’ll take the compliments I’ve received already instead of fishing for more as some mares would do. However, I wasn’t aware that you found me attractive in the slightest, given your general tastes.”

“Can we sit down-”

“Yes, your legs are vibrating.”

“I’m fuckin’ high.”

Luna giggled and we teleported somewhere with a warmer brightness than the cold lights of my house and the painful radiance of the sun reflecting off of snow. The beach was nice and in seconds, I found myself wearing silk boxers and nothing else. It was nice out to be sure and the sun felt lovely of course, but I was still tripping and sand? Sand was weird. Faces and images kept dancing in the dunes, though the trip had flipped from mental anguish into… Well, I’ve admitted to more embarrassing things than having my mind filled with a field of flowers, lace, and doilies. I don’t know why I thought of a guy with a long neck skipping through the meadow giggling and playing a lute while wearing ridiculous 16th Century ruffles. I really don’t. It didn’t matter since it was definitely clear that the little ethanol snakes and their venom made LSD look like a shot of Budweiser with a weed leaf in it, or at least it was considerably easier to fuck up with venom than it had been with LSD.

It took a few minutes for me to get out of my head, but apparently I’d blacked out and kept moving similar to my first and only spa trip. Clocking back in was nice since I felt considerably less high when I did, but I also had to admit that it was much harder to move than it had been during even the peak of the trip. I would’ve compared it to the nasty combo of a muscle-relaxer and a painkiller, though I don’t say nasty just because medicine is designed to be gross. It was truly an awful experience to have to take care of myself while not having basic amenities, especially since my arm had been broken and I could either deal with the pain and get shit done or treat the pain and hardly be able to move.

When Luna and I came to a stop near Celestia, I sat on the sand and they both giggled. “Someone seems tired,” The whitest of us all teased.

“You know those alcohol snakes?”

Celestia gasped before bursting into giggles. “Oh! Was it an accident, or did you do it on purpose?”

“Little bit of both, but Christ. The hallucinations were weird, but-”

“If you want a little psychedelic fun, then just spin floss from Magic Bark.” Celestia chuckled, giving me a look she was more than old enough to nail. It was the ‘older-friend’, ‘I fucked up like that, but this was better anyway’ kind of advice. It was odd since I hadn't taken Celestia for the type, apparently evidenced by the look on my face. “What? It fades in and out of fashion every generation or two. It’s a lovely experience and is great with friends. Serpentia Ethanus venom is awful because of the potential for bad experiences and the fact that if you get too much in your system, you can forget moving once you truly start coming down.”

“Not complaining since I’m not nauseous, but I am not getting back up.”

Luna tried tickling under my armpits, but I could barely feel it. “Hm. You usually react to being touched in general, let alone from being approached from behind.”

“Mm,” I grunted back.

Someone started levitating me into the air, but then Celestia said, “Oh, I have a marvelous idea!”

Her sister made a curious noise. “The project from last year? I thought you procrastinated on finishing it.”

“The canopy is a bit shaky, but a little spell should do it well.”

I kind of just enjoyed the feeling of being weightless while- Well, it was actually kind of like being on heroin to a point or rather, opiates in general just without the litany of drawbacks, side-effects, and general bullshit that made the crap scary and unworthy of my time. I would’ve much preferred a sensation of like, anything to near complete numbness, but it was better than being in pain. In any case, apparently Celestia and Luna had been working on a kind of circular party boat, though I didn’t see much of it from where I lay. Talking was no problem, though moving was beyond me and Celestia took full advantage of it. She cuddled the fuck out of me with my consent and Luna kept the conversation going by regularly poking fun at Celestia and myself.

Hours passed and things were still a little wobbly in the ocular department, but I got some of my motion back and was able to pay Celestia back for the shoulder rub she gave me with an ear rub for herself. There was tea, snacks, and plenty of conversation that… Kind of made me feel like I didn’t truly understand the relationship I had with the Princesses. I mean, on one hand, it was obvious in their track records that they weren’t afraid to use me, but then again, I have to look at what they themselves have said and done. Celestia admitted to manipulating me and confirmed my suspicions, but when I thought about Luna, I realized that she’d been straightforward about her varied reasons for either asking me to do shite or doing shite herself. It made me consider the fact that Luna was admittedly a bigger bitch up front than Celestia, but I would generally prefer to deal with the blue Princess since I knew she meant whatever came out of her mouth.

I didn’t share any of my observations with my… Friends, I guess, since it wouldn’t have amounted to any good, but I was glad to stay and chat with them until their scheduled vacation day was over. Celestia took us to Canterlot for cake since no one had wanted to eat it on the boat-thing, but after that it wasn’t long before I was sent home to finish up with my trip and get some rest. The leaden, heavy feeling eventually started to level off instead of waxing and waning, but in any case, I was able to sleep without further aid and the rest was dreamless and admittedly delicious. Waking up from that was awesome. Seriously, some of the best sleep I got while not in Twilight or Applejack’s company.

It took a while longer than I anticipated, but I finally, well and truly, came down about thirty minutes after I woke up. The trip hadn’t been the worst barring the images of my parents, foster uncle, and brother, but other than that, it had been a pretty non-scarring time. If you don’t count the suicidal thoughts, that is, but it’s not like I would’ve stayed dead anyway. I wasn’t going to repeat it anytime soon since I didn’t know if it would permanently affect me, but it had been alright after the Ego Death lost its fervour.

On the fourth and final day of the freeze, I spent much of my time reorganizing my wine cellar. I’d gone through and subsequently replaced a lot of bottles, so I wrote up a new catalogue based off of the old one and had everything good to go in about five hours. In my defence, there was a lot of alcohol down there, and not all of it was wine. When I’d finished organizing, I looked around at the dozens of bottles that I possessed, but would probably never drink. It seemed like such a waste of good spirits, but then I remembered that it wasn’t like I had to keep it, and alcohol tended to hold its value pretty well anyway. The older the better until the later teenage years for brown liquor, so I left my cellar thinking about how much a hundred-year bottle of wine would go for. Then I remembered that I still had three and a half bottles of thousand-year-old wine. A thousand years was a little over half of my lifespan, so if I could hold onto them that long they would probably be worth plenty. I highly doubted that I could keep them that long, but I can dream, right?

For the rest of that day, I spent my time recovering from the A-hole I found myself in, even if organizing and cleaning were still on the menu for activities. I didn’t even smoke since I just wanted to get my heart clear of the emotional turmoil I’d unintentionally inflicted upon myself, but other than the productive stuff I did early in the day, not much happened. I spent a lot of time thinking about England, but going into that is probably going to make me sad if I delve too deep into it. I guess I just had a lot of regrets, like not seeing Max before he died. Not killing Oscar for being the bastard he was in the first place. I’d have loved to visit the plot Slim John had been allotted again, but there was more important shite than even that. It was a long day and none of it made me very happy, so I took my arse to bed early after dosing myself with Insom-No-More, the shite from Gryphonia that Elfriede kept me supplied with. It wasn’t expensive, though I didn’t know what all was in it other than nine or ten grams of pure cannabinoid compound, SS#4 (Sedation Syrup, the Gryphonian medical system is incredibly straightforward.) and Melatonin Alt-2. The last one was just magically enriched melatonin, and with that on top of the sleep sauce and the high dose of doobie in the draino, it usually managed to knock me out in a few minutes with only a tablespoon. Didn’t do shit for nightmares, but I did tend to sleep more consistently. It was a trade-off that was only worth it sometimes since not being able to wake myself from particularly bad nightmares meant they lasted longer and were more vivid.

In any case, I woke up a little groggy like I usually did, but the snow had finally cleared enough to walk through and that raised my spirits considerably. A note had nestled on my noggin when I nixed the nightly nap. Not to be negative about it, but I wished that I had the magical know-how to popularize an alternative to the cellphone, lamenting my lack of true interest in the matter as well as the unlikely nature that such a thing would even work without considerable investment.

I put some thought into the magic phone idea while writing into the Midnight Stroll book I’d left on, though it wasn’t the highlight of my afternoon. Twilight and Fluttershy swung by like they’d said they would and I got some affections from two of the people I preferred to spend the most time with. I brought out the cigar that I had been working on as a pastime, though Fluttershy was a little nervous about participating. Twilight was eager and ready to receive my stogie and I was considerably prouder of her for being willing to handle the thick, sticky bastard. I had Twilight light it for us with magic so that it would burn evenly and took the first hit. That shit hurt something fierce, but then again, I’d drawn far harder than I really needed to. Twilight was next in rotation, and did the same thing I did, except she actually coughed. Fluttershy sipped the smoke gently and kept her high slow and steady for a while by wisely taking conservative hits.

By the time Fluttershy couldn’t handle anymore, Twilight was more faded than Celestia’s thousand-year-old livery in the Everfree and I was lit like the streets of Bath at night during the holidays. Fluttershy was straight up stuck in my recliner, Twilight on the couch, and me on my favourite easy chair. It was a good thirty minutes before I could move again without feeling like my bones were made of indica, and we still had three quarters of my cigar left. It was so thick with resin and residue already that the leaves I had wrapped it with were already gummy throughout all of it.

Once Twilight had sobered up enough to get up and moving again, we took a field trip to where I stored my pre-cut tree and started pulling buds off of it. Twilight carried the ludicrous amount with her magic, so I carried the leaves we had cut from the living plants. My house fucking reeked, but It was well worth it for my idea. I started processing with my knife and Twilight used magic to adhere the leaves together so that we could roll the final product. It took awhile to chop the fruits of my not-labour finely enough to suit their purpose, but we had five cigars worth of bud and leaves, so it’s not like I wouldn’t have a chance to get it right if I messed up. After I got the first one put together, Twilight picked up on the technique like she’d seen me do it a thousand times before and we got through it that much faster. Twilight’s cigars were a little on the wonky side, but after breaking them down and starting over she got them just right. I gave Twilight two of them because she’d helped make them, and I sent one each to Luna and Celestia. I saved the last one for Fleur and Fancy and sent a note along with it, telling them to find a partner and try sex while high since I knew they occasionally like to, as Granny would put it, ‘canoodle’ with the same person.

Twilight and I sat down and smoked another quarter of the cigar by ourselves, but we weren’t stuck like last time. Fluttershy did keep an eye on us, however, once she herself finally woke up from her marijuana induced slumber. The remaining time they spent with me was with tea and snacks, and thus my day was made gooder. Fluttershy got all of the cuddles while Twilight seemed content enough to get a hug when she prepared to leave. I spent my time writing more of A Thousand Moments and was making great progress during the night. In a few more sessions, I would be ready to have Twilight proofread it so I could send it off to my publisher, a Briddish fellow named Stove Pipe. We rarely talked, but he was an alright guy.

Oh, I almost forgot! As Twilight and Flutters were leaving, Berry Blitz, my maid, swooped in for the latest cleaning yet. She’d been scheduled for the next day, but I didn’t mind an early appointment. Thankfully, Berry Blitz didn’t wear her little maid outfit outside, otherwise she would have frozen. That, and I’m sure my girls would have had a problem with her outfit since it was so damn revealing. Fluttershy had straight up told me that she didn’t mind if I slept with Berry Blitz, but Twilight had seemed rather perturbed about the idea, so I kept my hands off for awhile. It wasn’t that Twilight was against me being a complete whore, it was that Berry was my employee and that it was immoral in her eyes to shag the help. I got where she was coming from, even if I did find it amusing that Twilight technically worked for me too as my Steward and accountant.

In any case, Berry always started on the top floor and worked her way down so she could change in the privacy of one of my guest rooms. With how skimpy her outfit was, it wouldn’t have made too much of a difference if she’d just changed in front of me, but I could appreciate a moderate amount of modesty. When Berry finally worked her way downstairs, I was chilling in my living room, writing some more of A Thousand Moments, listening to some smooth jazz on my record player. By now, I was fairly sure that Berry Blitz was purposefully flashing me as she worked, but it never hurt to be sure. I asked to have a word with her for a moment and she pulled a chair up next to mine. She had placed it so that the chairs were touching, and when she sat down, her leg was touching mine. I found the close contact to be rather unnecessary.

“What did you want to talk about, boss? I haven’t been missing anything, have I?” She asked sweetly. Her voice reminded me of a blend between Fluttershy’s and… I don’t know, maybe Applejack or Velvet Breeze with an even lighter accent than the guard. She had a soft, breathy, Southern Belle kind of lilt that I couldn’t help but find appealing

“No, you’ve been doing your job just fine,” I half truthed. The only reasons you got the job are attached to you, love. “It’s just that there’s been something that I noticed quite some time ago, and I wanted to ask you about it.” She looked at me expectantly. “Why do you wear such a short skirt?”

Berry blinked. “Well, the Princess asked me to wear something that you might like. I asked some friends what stallions like since I don’t have much experience with them, having lived in mare-majority towns my whole life. My friends told me that all stallions like short skirts, and if there’s a maid uniform, then that would usually get ‘em goin’.” The innocence in her smile…

I felt like a creep. A complete and total creep. “Berry... Are you aware that I know what your Cutie Mark looks like?”

Her face flushed red and she looked at her hands. “I-I… I kind of assumed that you did at this point...”

“I have to ask, love; Are you flashing me on purpose? Did someone tell you to do it or something?” From her posture, I could tell that she was honestly embarrassed, so it made no sense for her to have been teasing me these past few months. At least, not as fucking well as she’d been doing it.

Berry touched her fingertips together in a seemingly random pattern. “Well, Princess Celestia told me that I shouldn’t do anything to upset you, so I asked my friends what would make you happy-”

“And they told you to bend over a lot near me?” I asked in disbelief.

“Well…” She pulled on her fingers. “They actually just said… Give ya somethin’ to watch other than the job…” I couldn't help but chuckle and pat her shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, I shoulda known better.”

“It’s alright, love, but it does make me wish that I’d asked sooner. I’d thought Celestia was trying to drive me crazy or something.”

Berry giggled, but obviously wasn’t on the same page. “I’ll say! It must’ve been weird to see so much mare flank when you’re gay-”

“I-” I didn’t have a response to that. I’d… I had never been pegged as homosexual while not actively trying to come off as a complete twink. Not by someone who was being completely serious.

Blitz, as was apt for her name, just patted my stunned cheek. “It’s fine, Boss! It’s not like being gay is-”

“Berry Blitz-”

“-wrong or anything, and I have some friends with some really cute brothers that don’t really-”

“Berry, love-”

“-seem to have any interest in mares, so maybe-”

“I fuck mares, Berry.” She paused. “I put my cock in vagina and find pleasure in thrusting in and out.” Her face started pinkening adorably. “I would’ve slept with you if you didn’t work for me. A large part of the reason that it’s been so long and I didn’t say anything is because your flank is fantastic.”

“... I… I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I really don’t know why, love. I have a reputation around town and no one’s shy about letting me know.”

“Max…” She smiled sorrowfully at me and I kind of got worried. “It’s okay to be gay, alright?”

“... Berry Blitz?”

“Yeah, Boss?”

“Go change and finish up, yeah? We’ll have a cuppa.”

“Cup of what?”

“Tea.” And if I could, it would be the toddiest of hotties.

After a few hours of Berry actually doing the job for once since I’d met her, I noticed that my house didn’t need me to come around and pick up. Mostly because Berry had actually fucked off and not tried to stay in the same room as me that often. When she finished up, I asked her if she still wanted to have some tea, and much to my pleasure she agreed. I wasn’t trying to get laid or anything, but this person had been coming to my house, cleaning up the few messes I left around and shoring up where I fell flat in my housekeeping, which made me feel like I should at least know a few things about her. It was an oversight on my part to have waited this long to talk to her, but at least I finally did.

We talked about a few things, like her hobbies and her friends in Ponyville, though I couldn’t help but think that Berry Blitz was a bit of an odd duck. She was naturally beautiful like Rarity, but from the way she acted and talked, Berry most certainly didn’t acknowledge that fact like Rarity did. I tried to drop hints, asking if she might have some sort of love interest, but Berry either missed my subtlety or had just never had one, so I just asked instead of beating around the bush. She told me that she’d just never had a stallion be that interested in her, and I asked if she’d ever tried women. I was assured that women were out of the question, and that Berry just didn’t really think she needed a special ‘somepony’. I let her know that I would be happy to find her a decent guy if she ever wanted one, though she politely declined, stating that she would find one on her own one day. Even if she was stubborn about me being supposedly gay, I had to admire her willingness to handle her love life herself, even if handling it herself hadn’t turned up any luck so far. It really wasn’t my problem, but I kind of just wanted to get Berry a boyfriend or something so I could stop being tempted to charm her. I may have laid a few people in relationships, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t honour them under normal circumstances.

I eventually ran out of things to ask her, so the time came for her to fuck off. Berry gave me a hug before she left and told me that she couldn’t wait to tell her friends that I was gay. I was quick to correct her again, though she was confused as to why I had her take off the maid outfit if I wasn’t. It really didn’t help when I tried to explain that I didn’t want to ogle her all the time since she thought I was trying to cover for myself, but then I asked her if she knew the Elements of Harmony. She kind of had to admit that I was dating them and that her pieces of the puzzle were kind of jammed in place without fitting the picture.

“Boss, I’m telling you now, those mares are nothing but trouble,” She warned as I walked her to the door.

“Trust me, love, I know. You should’ve seen them on Hearts and Hooves Day, it was like it’s unheard of for a guy to do something for his girl, which I find to be ridiculous.”

“...Well, it is kinda unheard of.”

“Ridiculous,” I scoffed. “Anyway, I know my girls are a handful, but I love them, and there’s nothing that could convince me to give up on them.”

Berry beamed. “It’s good that you’re so willing to work with their quirks. I know a lot of ponies avoid hanging out with them too often, just in case they get wrapped up in something. I guess they’ve calmed down a lot since you’ve been here, though.” All most of them needed was a solid source of dick. Worked like a charm.

“I suppose they have. When they go to do stupid things, I generally tell them about the consequences of said actions. The girls really just don’t think very far ahead,” I explained.

Berry raised a brow and gave me a look. “What about the time Applejack and Rainbow faced off in the middle of town covered in bees?”

I scratched my head and looked down, trying not to smile. “I... may or may not have told them to do that one.

“What? Why would you do that!?” Berry asked incredulously.

“To see if they were dumb enough to do it. I really didn’t think they were, in my defence, and I wasn’t even there to see them do it,” I deflected. I still heard about it and saw the results on Rainbow. Fucking golden!

She crossed her arms and gave me a womanly look. I had to adjust my eye level before I got myself into more trouble. “Really, boss? You shouldn’t dare ponies to do foalish things if you know that they’re stubborn. You should expect them to do whatever you told them to because they won’t think too hard about it!” Well they should think before they act. Not my problem.

“That’s not the case anymore. I’ve told Rainbow and Applejack to do too many obviously inappropriate things for them to take all of my suggestions seriously anymore. Honestly, I only meant them as jokes most of the time.”

“Oh yeah? What inappropriate things do you mean as jokes then?”

“Mm, I love sharing information as much as the next guy, but you strike me as a person who could use more tickle than slap.”

“I’m not getting the picture here,” She replied blankly, her head slowly tilting as her brain-jelly got stuck on one side.

I patted her shoulder and pulled her in so she could see things from my point of view. “You see that, love?” I pointed somewhere indistinct above my front door.

Berry looked at me and tried to follow my finger. “I-I don’t think so, Boss.”

I led my finger directly over her head and drew an imaginary halo. “Do you see that?”

Berry shivered. “No, but I feel it. What are you doing?”

I frowned and looked at the air above her head. I noticed that the trail where I’d dragged my finger seemed to be wavering like it was giving off heat or something. Instead of doing nothing and letting some kind of bad thing linger over a sweet gal, I placed my hand above it and nothing happened, so I imagined it floating to stick to my palm. I lifted my hand away and it became slightly more visible, doing what I’d imagined it doing.

“I drew you a little halo, love,” I put the hand with the flickering disk behind my back and patted her head with my other hand, “and now I’m making it stick. Have a safe walk home, Berry.”

She gave me an odd look. “... Whatever you say, Boss. Don’t drink too much while I’m gone, okay?”

“Actually, I gave it up. I’ve been sober for about a month or so now. I meant to tell you the last couple times you came by, but I was too busy wondering why you were showing me your arse.”

“I don’t know what arse means, but I’m happy for you if that’s the direction you want to go! I like wine myself, but I had an uncle who was a guard for a long time and he drank like you do, or like you used to I guess. He said it was because he wanted to forget...” I’m ignoring that last part so I don’t have to talk about it.

“Well, I have a lot of wine that I’m not going to drink if you ever want a few bottles for free. All I ask is that you mark whatever you get off in the catalogue.” I offered.

Berry’s face lit up and she gave me another ‘hug’, which involved shoving my face into her chest. “Thank you, Boss! I’m having some friends over later tonight, do you mind if I take some now?”

I muttered my reply into her soft flesh, so she let me go and giggled as I said something else. “Feel free, love. You still have a key to the house?”

She pulled her set out of her pocket. “It always feels funny when you do that. Like, not bad funny, but a little weird.”

I raised a brow at her and grabbed my keys from the hook on the wall. “You’re the one who keeps putting my face there. You won’t hear me complain, mind you.”

She looked worried. “You don’t like it? Every stallion I hug like that has a goofy smile on his face when I let him go.”

“I don’t mind at all. How many guys do you hug like that?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Just my friend’s brothers.”

I nodded. “I wouldn’t do that unless you’re trying to date a fellow, love. It’s an awfully intimate gesture.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Why didn’t you say anything before now?”

I scratched my head. “Honestly? I thought you were trying to get into my bed. Between the maid outfit and the amount of personal contact it was a real possibility.”

Her head stayed to the side. “Why would I want to get into your bed? All you ever ask me to do is make it and you rarely even do that...”

I clapped my hands together and felt an odd breeze. I realized that I’d forgotten about the little halo I’d had in my right hand and made a mental note to do that again. “You know what? If you don’t get it, I don't think it’s my place to tell you. Ask your friends what I’m talking about if you want, but I don’t think I should say any more. Keep your halo, love.”

Berry watched me walk out the door and I just shook my head. I headed out behind the house and looked through my greenhouse for a bit. The soil at the base of most of my plants was a little dry, so I watered a few of them and started experimenting with the little shape drawing thing I’d done. I could draw anything, and when I pushed my hand through the whatevers, they released a small breeze that seemed to come from nowhere. As long as I visualized what I was doing in the moment, it would hang in the air as if supported by unseen strings. I thought it reminded me a bit of my telekinesis, so I drew a little table in the air and filled it in until the air was hazy before I took one of my throwing knives out of my trusty boots and set it on it. It fell straight through, but the gust was stronger than it had been before. It had pushed me back a little ways, actually. I grinned to myself, thinking of the trouble I could cause in the spring with all those short skirts~!

Then I thought about the fact that I most likely had some form of magic and then I kind of just sat there and wondered what the fuck my life was about to go through. Complicated shit happens when you add complex things to a clever fool’s life, and magic is one of the most complex subjects I’ve ever even heard of. That being said, I had a nerd that would be excellent at diagnosing just what kind of magic was currently dripping from my fingertips, and that nerd also happened to be kissable. The last part wasn’t important, but thinking of Twilight made my lips itch.

With my new plaything on my mind, I walked over to Twilight’s house to see if she could tell me anything about it. Spike answered the door and told me that Cherry was with Rarity for some reason she hadn’t told him, so I asked to have a word with him while he was home alone. I wrote a note to Macintosh and told him to swing by using Spike as a messenger. I told the Little Dragon (Twice) that he should relax and remember that everyone gets ‘The Talk’ eventually. Spike didn’t seem too eager about it, but when Macintosh showed up, he still came with us to my house. I practised drawing different shapes in the air while we walked, and when prompted about what I was doing, I told them that I was just playing around with ideas for a book. Artists of all kinds were known to be eccentrics in Equestria so they accepted my answer rather easily.

I had Macintosh bring some cider along so I could pretend to drink along with them while we talked. I would go into detail about it, but who really wants to hear two guys try and sugarcoat sex, then suck the sugar off? The talk wasn’t all that awkward since Spike had been asking questions about the subject since Macintosh and I had been mentoring him. Filling in the blanks that we had left was a simple task, and giving him the ground rules was simple enough since Spike was a pretty good listener. By the time we were done, Macintosh had drawn up some pretty accurate diagrams and I had explained many of the finer points that Spike just couldn’t get. Between Macintosh and I, Spike was going to be just fine. He was a little red around the face by the time we were done, but the notes he’d taken were neat, orderly, and true to form so he could look back on them if he needed to. I was proud of Spike for making it easy on his mentors, but then again, we’d been grooming him to be a respectable guy anyway. We also learned that feeding Dragons alcohol does nothing to them since Mac had given him a glass full of straight whiskey to see what he’d do. The lad drank it like a Brit! Not only was I proud of him for handling the talk with maturity and having viable, worthy questions, but he could also slam liquor!

I took Spike back home and Macintosh went off to go find Cheerilee, one of the town’s three or four teachers. She mainly dealt with kids around the tweenage or older years, so I could imagine that she and Macintosh saw each other often as a form of stress relief. The big red farmer had straight up told Spike and I that he was about to go turn Cheerilee into a drooling mess, stating that Spike was close enough to being a man that he could hear such things now. I was going to wait until his next birthday to be more up front about sex with him, but I respected Macintosh’s decision all the same, even if he’d strayed from the course I’d set. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. However, you can lead an Apple to liquor and make them tell you a story because fuck, you don’t really have a choice if the proof is higher than twelve.

Speaking of numbers that are below my current age, a Dragon younger than me asked a question as we were walking home, but that segue was fucking awful. It’s not like anyone is actually going to read my damn journal so I can lead into Spike’s inquiry like this if I want to. Goddamn, it’s nice to not have to follow typical standards.

… That entire paragraph is a mess. It irks me. Anyway, I can’t fix it because ink, but I can carry on with Spike’s question. “Hey, Max? Can I ask you something?”

It didn’t sound like I needed to snark him at the moment, so I replied with, “Always, little bruv.”

“Thanks… So… Have… Have you slept with Rarity… Or Twilight?”

“Rarity, yes. Twilight, no.”

“... Are you even dating Rarity?”

“I don’t like her enough to date her.”

“... Wow.”

“Spike, Rarity’s a user and a manipulator. We’ve both seen her use us until we get tired of it, so… Why not use her right back?”

“Still… You always told me that… That using somepony for sex was…”

“Spike, I…” I took a deep breath and sighed. “Yeah, I can’t defend it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but I wanted to get something out of dealing with someone so toxic for so long.”

“... So… If I tell you something, are you gonna keep it quiet?”

I offered him a certain digit. “By the power of the pinkie and by the bond of brotherhood, I do so solemnly swear to bide my silence until you lift it.”

Spike hooked my finger with his and chuckled. “Weirdo. Anyway, I may or may not… Have come across some pictures Rarity took.” I bit my lips, but not because I was shocked or anything. “You’re way too amused by that.”

I inhaled and tried not to die out loud, gasping for breath as I ate my laughter with tomato sauce and kosher salt. “That’s an opinion. How’d you get em?”

“One of the last times I was helping her around the shop, she sent me upstairs and I… May or may not have done some snooping.”

“So how many pairs of her panties do you have?”

“J-Just one!” I raised a brow at his blushing face. “O-Okay, maybe a couple!”

“I’m just going to warn you now; I didn’t hear any of that, and if you get caught with it, I didn’t know.”

“Know what?”

“Yeah, you know what? Why don’t we go home and get some tea?”

“Sounds good, but I kinda have another question… And I…” His tone had gone from nervous, but still having fun to suddenly… Well, it was like a tempest blowing over a warm sunny day. It was cold out, but Spike’s general disposition always gave off a kind of buoyant warmth. It was gone as he asked, “... Why… Why are you with Twilight if you don’t love her?”

“... Are you drunk?” I asked, being deadly serious. “Honestly, Spike, is your head alright-”

“Max, please… Just be honest with me on this one… Alright?”

“Spike, I genuinely, well and fucking truly can’t comprehend how you don’t think that I love Twilight from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never done or said half the mushy-gushy lovey-dovey shit to any other woman like I have to Twilight because she’s just that special to me. There’s only one other that really measures up to Twi and it’s not Fluttershy or Celestia.”

“... I am very, very confused, Max. Like… How could you sleep with Rarity, but not your actual fillyfriend?”

“Because my relationship with Twilight is more cerebral. Our intimacy is mental rather than physical. I don’t have to be snogging Twilight to feel that pounding in my heart, I…” I chuckled and thumbed my nose. “... I just have to be near her… Every second I spend with Twilight is so precious, and sex doesn’t actually mean all that much to me at the end of the day… It’s the hugs and the kisses and the ‘How was your day?’, or ‘Did you sleep well?’... The little things that you can only get when someone truly cares…”

“... Whoa… It’s weird to see you… I dunno… Dote so much…”

“What? A womanizer can’t have a heart?”

“I mean, I can’t answer that honestly and be kind about it, Max. I love you, but… I’ve always wondered just how much you really loved Twilight.”

I chuckled, mostly because I knew he didn’t mean any offence by it. “Because you know me pretty well and the way I look at a lot of stuff is so cold and calculated that you thought I saw love in the same vein as sex, yeah?” He blinked a couple of times and nodded. “No, sex and love go well together, but they’re not one and the same. I love Twilight, and if I ever do lay down with her in an intimate sense, it’s not ‘sex’ to me, y’know? Making love… It’s something different altogether.”

“So… The way you look at Twilight…” He cast a furtive glance at me.

“... Yeah?”

“... Nothing. Forget I said anything, we’re just about home anyway.”

“True, but I don’t think it’s nothing.”

“... Do you believe in true love, Max?”

“Oof, heavy question I don’t have an answer to-”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. I know that there are people I love and I know who I’m in love with, but true love has always been hard to define. What is true love to you?”

“... Yeah, guess I didn’t think about it like that. It’s just… You don’t really look at Fluttershy the same way look at Twilight, y’know?”

“... That’s because I love Fluttershy.”

“And you’re in love with Twilight.”

“Pretty much,” I answered softly.

“You don’t sound very happy about that.”

“I’m not. I wish I loved Fluttershy the same way, but I just don’t. Even if not the same way, I’d appreciate the feeling being on the same level.”

Spike chuckled. “So you don’t have all that much figured out, do you?”

“I know you mean in general, and you’re goddamn right!” I cackled.

Spike and I laughed the rest of the short walk to the Treebrary, but sat on the stoop instead of going inside as the shadows of the day embraced the world in the vivid brilliance of a lightly-overcast sunset. “Y’know… It’s actually kind of nice to know that grown-ups struggle with figuring stuff out too. It makes growing up a lot less scary since it’s not like there’s gonna be a magic point where I just know everything”

“Yeah, it’s a process, mate. It’s a helluva journey, life is, but that’s what makes it worth living. The questions and the answers. The little moments and the big smiles.” Spike smiled at that, but it was a rueful look on his face. “What’s on your mind?”

“... So… Apple Bloom and I talk a lot. I… I mean, we spend a lot of time together and we notice some of the same stuff-”

“Yes, I’m in love with Applejack. No, we’re not tackling that one.”

“... Never as easy as it sounds.”

“Love’s complicated, but I have to say that it’s usually worth it.”

“I know you don’t have all the answers, but you know what I want to say.”

I did, and it wasn’t something I wanted to answer. Not really a topic I wanted to broach, but Spike was trying to learn and I owed it to him to share my experiences. “... Spike… Applejack and I… We just don’t work. We’re great as friends and that’s enough for us.”

“Love’s usually worth it.”

“Yeah, my words taste like cacao. Have you made much progress with your love life?” I asked.

Spike pursed his lips. “Sorta kinda. Apple Bloom and I talk a lot more now and Sweetie Belle and I spend more time together. I haven’t asked either of them out yet, but sometimes we even hang out together and everything’s cool.”

“Glad to hear that you’re doing well. Are you interested in one of them more than the other?”

“Well, I still have a little crush on Sweetie Belle so I’m leaning toward her, but Apple Bloom is just so genuine and simplistic with how she sees stuff that I can’t help but want to know what she’s thinking about. I’m kinda stuck, Max.”

“It would seem so,” I commented idly.

“... Any suggestions?” Spike asked.

“You’ve made your bed on this one, mate. You’ve limited your options if you don’t want to hurt anyone at this point.”

“... That’s what I thought.” Spike lifted a claw to his mouth and thought hard for a moment. “Based on what I’ve learned so far, if I have feelings for both mares and they have feelings for me too, then I should ask them out and try to deal with it.”

I shrugged. “If that’s your conclusion, then I’ll support you one hundred percent, Spike. I have faith that you can deal with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.” Especially if the girls were giving Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle advice too. We’d all agreed on a basic idea, though we all had our different ways of saying it.

He held up a fist and I bumped it. “Thanks man. I think I know you well enough to assume that means that you approve.”

“I didn’t say that, but you’re welcome to think whatever you like,” I answered coolly. Macintosh and I agreed that we would let Spike solve more of his own problems after his talk. If he came to us for advice, we would still give it, but it’s not like we were going to offer up information.

He rolled his eyes and let himself into the Treebrary. I followed him inside and found Twilight in her basement, doing more shit with more dangerous shit. I rang the chime that she’d installed and waited until she finished putting up her experiment to give her a hug. I probably shouldn’t have done it while she was still turned around since her hand whistled through the air, barely missing my face this time. Twilight apologized for nearly smacking my shit again, but I didn’t really care.

“Hey Twilight, there’s some new shit that I want to ask you about.”

Twilight raised a brow at my language. “Well, that’s a blunt way of putting it.”

“It slips out since I have to be blunt when I’m telling you how absolutely adorable you are.”

“Oh…” She blushed.

“Speaking of which, can I get a slice please?”

“A slice? Of what?”

“The cutie pie in front of me.”

Twilight gave me a peck, got a look for the brevity of the kiss, then got properly snogged for holding out on me in the first place. She was beaming goofily when I pulled away, so I smooched her nose for good measure. “I see you’re feeling extra sweet today. What did you want to come and ask about?”

I started drawing a disk and filled in all the blank space until I had a hazy circle in the air. It was about the thickness of my fingertip, and when I imagined it spinning, it started slowly and sped up until it was a spherical disturbance in the air. I focused on holding it between my hands and held it out to Twilight who was agape at my wizardry. “This. I drew an imaginary little halo around Blitz’s head as a joke and saw something like heat waves in the air. I started experimenting with it and figured out how to do this.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and her familiar magenta magic encompassed the orb. Twilight’s magic started turning black and blue, however, until it fractured around the orb and Twilight seemed rather perturbed by the event. “Max… Wh-Why do you… Why do you know magic?” She asked softly.

“I don’t. The most magical thing I have is my telekinesis, but that’s more of a psychic ability rather than magic.” At least, I don’t think I have magic outside of this.

“Max, you don’t understand. When you do that, you’re leaving magic in the air. When you touch it, you feel something like a gust of wind, right?” Twilight inquired, a disquietude about her in spades.

“Yeah. So I have magic?”

“You have Dark Magic.” She replied numbly. OH MY GOD BITCH WHAT THE- Oh. Yeah, that’s how I came back to life. Damn, things you forget with good pussy, drugs, depression, suicide… God, life is weird.

“Oh, I knew that.” I shrugged. “I can’t really tell you how I got it, but I already had it.”

Twilight blinked at me. “Max, I’m not an expert on… Body Language, but-”

“Skip, I forgot about it for a sec. Then I remembered I had it.”

“... Do you mind if I run a few diagnostic spells?

“What all would those tell you?” I asked.

“Well, it would let me know how much you have, the nature of it, and who or what put it inside of you,” She explained.

“Then that’s a big ol’ no, init? I’ll have Luna or Celestia run some tests and have them tell you what they find.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Why can’t I do it? I’m sure I could do a perfectly adequate job.”

“I’m not saying you wouldn’t do it right, I’m saying that there may be information involved that would be dangerous for you to know. It’s an Operative thing that happened some time ago, if I’m not mistaken,” I lied. Smiling faces, Smiling faces sometimes~ Sometimes they don’t tell the truth. Smiling faces, Smiling faces tell lies~ and I got proof.

“Oh, then I guess I’d rather have one of the Princesses do it if that’s the case. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to get rid of it.” Twilight gave me a smile.

“Why would they want to get rid of it? It hasn’t really affected anything so far.”

“Dark Magic in general is dangerous, Max! It’s odd that it hasn’t interfered with your life so far, but there’s no telling when it might start,” she warned.

I poked the orb to dispel it and we were blown back by the intensity of the gust. “... Okay, I’m going to have Spike send a note to Celestia in a moment. Macintosh and I had ‘The Talk’ with him by the way.” Twilight and I regained our composure.

Twilight grimaced, pulling her tail in front of her once she got her hoofing. “How did it go?”

“It was pretty easy, actually. Macintosh drew visual aids and I handled most of the verbal things, so Spike got the picture pretty well.”

Twilight smiled anxiously. “That’s great, but what if Spike wants to use what he learned?”

“We already covered that. Have faith in Spike, Cherry, he’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

She sighed. “I know I should, but I’m not sure how I feel about Spike knowing more about sex than I do.”

I gave her the oddest of looks. “Twilight Shimmer Sparkle-”

“Max! That’s not even my family name!” She huffed.

“Starbright?”

“Yes, but-”

“Did your parents never talk to you about sex?”

She hugged herself and looked away. “I… I… I never really gave them the chance, Amour... When the time came, I was in the castle, learning about magic. The times I spent at home were spent catching up on what time we missed, so it never really came up… Especially since it never really seemed like...”

“Cherry, I can explain it to you if you want. It doesn’t have to be an awkward thing,” I gave her arm a little squeeze.

Twilight turned to face me, her face indicative of my pet name for her. “I-I think I would rather have Fluttershy or Applejack explain it, if it’s all the same to you.”

“That’s perfectly fine. It’s easier to learn from the same gender, I suppose.”

Twilight blinked, her horn glowed, and I had some extra things on my chest. “You’re right! Why don’t we get the girls together and we can all talk about it?”

“... Why don’t I go to Canterlot and have Celestia run those diagnostic spells?”

Twilight blinked and started blushing again. “... I might have forgotten about that.”

I patted her head patronizingly. “It’s okay, love. Not everyone can be as perfect as me.”

She gave me a look that said ‘Right, jackass’. “Right. I can either teleport you to Canterlot so you don’t have to ask Princess Celestia to do it, or I can turn you back into a guy.”

“Can I get that addadicktome with a side of balls please?” I quipped.

Twilight gave me an odd look and turned me back into a guy. “I’m pretty sure that’s what you asked me to do.”

I patted my chest. “It is. Thanks, Cherry.”

She stood on her tip… Hooves? She made herself taller so that she could kiss my cheek, which I returned with a kiss on the lips. “No problem, Amour. Do you want to wait until you come back to have that talk with the girls?”

“No, I think this should be between people who were born as women, but you could also ask your Mum about it. I think she’d be oddly elated to have a chance to talk to you about bedroom intimacy.”

My girlfriend gave me a look accompanied by an adorable blush. “... I… I wish that you weren’t right about that… Mom would probably hit the ceiling if I told her that I was interested in- Well… Being closer to you.”

I hugged my girlfriend, mitigating a frown. “If it’s any consolation, I feel closer to you while we’re kilometres apart than I did with Celestia while we were in the same room.”

Twilight hugged me back, making a happy noise. “... Max?”

“You have a question and I guess I have answers,” I chuckled, remembering the pressure Spike had just put on me.

“I know it’s not really any of my business, but… Do you still love Celestia?”

“I love Celestia like I love drinking.”

“... You don’t drink any more, Amour.”

“Because drinking too much made me into someone I didn’t want to be and it was poisoning me from the start.”

“... Ouch.”

“Mhm.”

“So… No?”

“No, I still love her. I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. It’s not really something I control.”

“... You just don’t really care to be with her again.”

“Not in the slightest. Celestia is old. She’s had too much time to set in her ways and find other means to keep the same path while appearing to progress with the times. Once I know that her mindset towards love has changed, then I’ll consider stoking the embers. Until then… If the fire dies altogether, then I can’t say I’d be upset.”

Twilight took a deep breath and set her chin on my sternum, looking up at me. “Max… Have I ever told you that I’m proud of you?”

I chuckled at that. “Uh, once or twice, I guess. What’s the reason now?”

“... I just have a funny feeling that Celestia really, really screwed you over, and yet you’re still kind to her. Even if you haven’t forgotten, I still remember that you gave her one of the very first books you had printed… You… Well, when I first met you, I would be afraid for you right now because I don’t think you would hesitate all that long to find a way to get back at Celestia. I don’t mean any offence, but with the way you talk, you can worm your way into a pony’s heart and take them to Cloud Nine or Tartarus in seconds depending on whether or not you like them… Celestia told me that you’ve torn her down and made her consider her actions in the past and present, but that’s not something you do for someone unless you care enough to want them to change, if you get what I mean by that.”

“... In general, you’re proud of the maturity I’ve been building up and how I handled the break-up with Celestia… You’re right. I could’ve broken Celestia’s heart and left the country if I was scared, but we both know that she’s not the worst person I’ve ever come across. And again, you’re very much right when you say that the way things are going with Celestia now are more or less because I think she’s worthy of a second chance, just with some time for her to change-”

“And a little more time for you to mature and wisen up to an ancient mare’s wily ways~” Twilight gave me a little smile. “If Celestia’s pranks are anything to go by, then she probably gave you a lot of trouble at some points.”

“Of course, and speaking of trouble-”

“Oh! You’re right, I think I’ll write Mom and my Aunt to see if we can get the family fillies together with some ice cream.”

“You do love homemade, don’t you?”

“It’s not because of the salt-”

“Twilight.”

“We have a cold stone!”

I giggled my arse off at her. “I know, your Mum cooled whipped cream on it.”

My girlfriend gave me a look and I gave her a wink. “From sweet nut to goofy butt in two seconds.”

“Love you~”

That got a smile out of her. “... I love you too… So… When are you going to Canterlot to run those tests?”

“I could do it in a bit. I think I have my golden ticket in my sheafer-”

“Why do you, of all ponies, have a sheafer?”

“It’s basically like my wallet and it’s handy for writing notes on the go, even if I don’t usually carry my Dragon Fire.”

“That’s a very fair point, but why don’t- Well, your mane isn’t really long enough for more than a few bits.”

I stared at her, wondering why the fuck she thought I could hammerspace like a Pony. “Twilight, my hair doesn’t magically let me stick things in it.”

“Oh… It looks nice, though.”

“You always look nice, but right now you look fine, filly. Double-cheeked up on this lovely Lumoday, yeah?”

“... Double-cheeked up?”

“I don’t know what it means either, I just heard it in a meme. I think it means you’re callipygean, which is true.”

Twilight blushed and covered her bum. “... Do you really think so?”

I gave her a look. “Twilight, your positively perfect posterior has the curvature of a squat-master with the softness of the perfect cuddle-buddy. If they made pillows that felt like your bum, I’d have multiple, and I’d probably have two bound together,” I gestured like I was holding the pillows, “just for the purpose of sticking my face in between them.”

Her jaw dropped. “Max!”

“You got a great bum, Twi.”

“Well that explains why you copped a feel when I introduced you to Celestia.” She tried to give me an annoyed look, but she was fighting a silly smile. “... I guess I should say thank you… It’s not often that you compliment me like this…”

I couldn’t help but be a little worried about that. “I compliment you all the time-”

Cherry giggled. “And I love the way you make me feel like a mare amongst fillies with every word, but you… Don’t really comment on my physique often…”

I shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d appreciate the implications, especially if I kept those kinds of compliments as frequent as the ones about you and your cute widdle cheeks or those smoochable, lovely lips, or that brilliant, wonderful, sometimes odd mind of yours… If I said that your bottom was like a tiny sun that’s too hot to touch most of the time, then I think you’d get the feeling I wanted more than kisses and love from you.”

“... Thank you for being so straightforward with me.”

I kissed the base of her horn. “If being blunt gets my point across without making me a dick, then yay!”

“Goober-tuber.”

“Are you calling me a potato, Twilight Sparkle?”

“A peanut-potato.”

“So a parsnip, basically.”

“You are nutty and pretty well-grounded most days.”

“That’s an oxymoron, goofball.”

“Who are you calling a moron!?”

“Rainbow, and don’t you dare deny it.”

“... Wow.”

I shrugged. “Gal’s got the brian.”

“Brian?”

“Oi, can I steal a quick peck that’s not quick?” She kissed me for like, two seconds. “You can do better than that.” I got a slightly better kiss. “Oh, c’mon! Put your love into it!”

The snogging did commence and by the time Twilight pulled away that time, there was a peaceful, contented look on her face while we held each other for just a few more moments. “I’m glad you came over today.”

“Every day I get to see you is a good day.”

Twilight gave me a smile and another peck on the cheek. “Good, I would hate to have to break your legs.”

I blinked. “What.”

“Too much? Sorry, Fluttershy said that I should try your sense of humour, but I don’t think I quite get it,” She clarified, her face bright red as she looked away.

“Yeah, no, we’re on the same page now. I was just confused since you don’t exactly threaten anyone,” I chuckled, patting her shoulder.

Twilight and I let the conversation go after that and headed upstairs. I had Spike send a quick note to Celestia while Twilight got a note to her Mom and Aunt. She peaced out before I did and I got another chance to answer some of Spike’s questions. He asked and I answered for a little bit about cunnilingus. I gave him the basic ‘write-til-she-cums’ technique and was in the middle of explaining why it felt good when Celestia teleported me into a sitting room. For one, that shit was rude. For two, she’d saved me from having to feel his tongue again, even if it had been kind of cool. The hooks were definitely interesting.

In any case, I gave Sunbutt a salty look when I landed in a chair directly across from her. “Can’t send a note?”

She was sipping some tea, looking quite stately. “You wanted to talk?”

“Rude.”

“I repeat; You wanted to talk?”

I rolled my eyes. “You were nicer when I was tripping my dick off, but yeah, I need you to examine the Dark Magic in me. You said it was just supposed to leak out, right? Not that I could actually use it.”

Celestia set her tea down and gave me a worried look. “Don’t tell me you cast a spell.”

“Not that I know of. Watch this.” I did the same thing I had done to show Twilight and set it spinning so it was more visible. “Twilight tells me that this is basically magic.”

Celestia’s eyes were slightly widened. “Basic, surely enough... But it is magic nonetheless.” Her horn lit up and her golden aura wrapped itself around the spinning disk before turning dark like Twilight’s had.

“So what does this mean?” I asked.

She didn’t give me an answer, but her horn continued glowing and started to cover me as well as the disk. Once I was glowing with Celestia’s magic, I heard a mild hum in the air that filled my ears. For a few minutes, Celestia just sat and nodded up until she released her magic, and when she did, she gave me a grim look. “You’re not going to like what I have to tell you, Max,” She said solemnly.

“How often do I like what you tell me anyway?”

“I thought you liked your weapon racks!”

“Love ‘em, really help make the house a home.”

“... I thought you didn’t mind your freckles?”

“I minded less when there were fewer of them, but that’s not really important. Let’s get it over with already, Sunbutt. What are we looking at?”

She took a deep breath and sighed hard, mulling her words over. “... I don’t know how to tell you this, but there’s… There’s a darkness in your anima, alien to your being… A darkness that I instructed Luna to leave inside of you, unknowing of the consequences-”

“Bitch, if I’m gonna die a slow death, just find a faster way to kill me. Or cure it, I guess.”

Celestia gave me a look. “Maximus, this is not easy for me. I understand that you’re an accepting, flexible being, but this news isn’t to be taken lightly-”

“Neither are the numbers on your scales, yet you still huff cake fumes when you don’t have time for a slice.”

“... I beg your pardon?”

“What’s the news, Celly?”

“Max… You absolute asshole!”

“You literally keep cake perfume in a bottle at all times.”

“It is not cake-”

“It’s sweet and bready, Sunbutt. Am I gonna die or not?”

The glare she gave me would’ve shrunken my scrotum months ago. At this point, it was little more than posturing. “... I’m sure you’re going to have oh so much fun with your half of the Demonic entity that once ruled my sister.”

“Alright, that kinda sucks.” I smiled and thumbed my nose.

“... It barely matters to you.”

“Bitch hasn’t done shit yet. Does this mean I can use spells?” I asked, feeling a little less nervous about the situation than I could have been.

“... Does having the potential to enact your most violent nightmares not bother you? Max, if something happened to Luna, Nightmare Moon would possess you!” Celestia asked in disbelief.

“When you put it like that, yeah kinda. It does bother me to a point. It’ll either happen or it won’t, no point in fretting something I’m already trying to prevent, like fuckin’ dyin’. Stop being an alarmist and fix the shit,” I answered.

“... I suppose I can see the wisdom in that, though ‘fixing it’ is out of the question. It would likely bring about a very painful death. And no, you cannot cast spells without a catalyst at your current level, but if you can find one, you could probably… No, it’s better that you don’t know. Dark Magic has a way of taking over the user,” She warned, eyeing me carefully.

“Then why don’t I have a chat with Luna and see what I can and can’t do? It sounds like a better idea to know how to handle it, just in case it changes again.”

“That’s true enough, but I don’t think that you would really want to use Dark Magic. It’s really only useful for evil deeds, hence its name. You could ‘let off steam’ from the pool of it inside you, so to speak, but… You have an Alicorn’s fair portion of Dark Magic in you, my dearest...”

“Evil deeds like raising the dead, curses and hexes, mind control, and attack magic are all bullshit I could do, right?” I asked.

“Why do you know so much about Dark Magic?” She asked with steel in her voice, her concern turning to pure, unadulterated killing intent.

Don’t fucking piss yourself! “Easy, Celestia. We may not have actually been able to use magic in my world, but we did have it in our fairy tales and stuff like that. I liked to read when I was younger, so I know about some of the topic. Magic was everywhere in stories, games, media; anything people made, magic could be a theme. There’s a lot of stories and possibilities people thought of that were great reads… Not real life. Magic and Manticores have always been make-believe on Earth,” I explained quickly.

She seemed to ease up at that. “I forgot about that. The fact that you came from a world that knew of magic, yet didn’t have it. I apologize, but I quite was worried for a moment.” And willing to fucking kill me! Luna be damned!

“Yeah, I’m not going to go around and start making zombies or some shit. I just want to know if there’s some way that I can use this crap that won’t turn me evil.”

“If you want, you may wait until Luna rises and she can tell you about some of the less harmful things about Dark Magic,” Celestia offered.

“I thought everything about Dark Magic was harmful?” I asked.

“To be fair, it’s like saying all carnivores are murderers. Yes, they kill to survive, but the degree of murder is admissible to those who bear a logical mind. The vast majority of Dark Magic is, indeed, quite dark. It’s the nature of the magic itself after all, but there are certain things that are blatantly less harmful to use, like simple attacks that don’t take too much power or temporary changes to your features that might help you intimidate some ponies.”

“Like what? Could I grow fangs or something like that? Black energy balls?” I asked uneasily.

“Well, you could,” She tittered, giving me a much more understanding look, “but I was referring to changing some of your perceived traits or using your Dark Magic to form an aura so that ponies will avoid you. If it hadn’t fused with your soul, it would already be doing so, but I believe that you’re actually going to have to focus to use it if you do at all.”

Don’t get mad. It’s not worth it. “Well, I’m glad that I’m not just leaking Dark Magic constantly. That could have ruined some relationships that I have now.”

“Easily. I must return to Day Court, but feel free to make yourself at home, Max. You know the castle well enough to do whatever you need to until Luna wakes.”

“I’ll see you later, then. Do you mind if I sexually harass some of your male guards?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“I would rather you didn’t, but if just so happen to ignore my words…” Celestia trailed off.

“It’ll be worth whatever punishment you give me,” I grinned.

“I hope you go through with it, I already have something wonderful planned.” She gave me a bright smile and I winced.

“Less worth it now. I think I might just have a walk around the premises for a while,” I remarked.

“That’s fine but there’s another Princess in the castle currently, so please be on your best behaviour, won’t you?” Celestia asked.

“I most certainly will be, no issues here.” I gave her a winsome smile. I’m going to seduce her.

“Don’t try and seduce her, Max.” Fuck. “She has a stallion already, and they’re happily in love with each other and no one else,” Celestia cautioned, her knowing look all too indicative of Fancy’s questions having reached her ears.

I sighed in defeat. “Over before I could even get started. Damn, I was hoping to add another Royal to my list.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t have slept with her anyway.”

“I knew that, but my penis didn’t have to. Thanks, Celestia, you made him sad.”

“I’d give him a kiss to cheer him up, but I’m pressed for time and I can’t spend much more looking around for that tiny thing,” OUCH. My feelings. “so I’ll take a rain check. See you later, Max.”

“See you, Cel-lardia,” I replied saltily. Celestia drained her teacup and threw it at me, so I ran for my safety since she magicked up more things to throw at me.

I didn’t see any reason to stall my meeting with this new princess that I’d never heard of, so I stopped the first member of the castle staff that I saw after coming to a casual stroll and asked them to point me in the right direction. The woman I’d asked for directions had been a little intimidated by me since she knew who I was, but I put her at ease with some well-timed jokes and some sincere gratitude. From the maid, I’d learned that the Princess’ name was Mi Amore Cadenza and that she was currently in the Dining Hall. If I got a move on I would be able to catch her, so I hurried. For all my hurrying however, I learned that my Princess and her peaches were in another part of the castle from some short guy with a red and white hat. I thought it was odd since most of the castle staff didn’t wear hats of any kind, but I let it go and went to the gardens.

Basically, I spent four hours chasing this damn Princess around the castle and never saw her until Celestia sent me a note, stating that it was dinner time. When I arrived to join the Princesses for dinner, Cadenza wasn’t there, so I just talked to Luna and Celestia for a while. They had a laugh about my plight and Luna told me that Cadenza was most likely in the castle gardens the entire time. She’d told the ruling sisters that she just didn’t want to be bothered for a day, so the castle staff had been telling me falsehoods the entire time to facilitate her privacy. I would’ve respected it if I hadn’t spent four fucking hours searching for her, so she was going to get a piece of my mind whether she wanted quiet time or not.

Celestia sent the woman a note, telling her that I would like to meet as a way of apologizing for sending me on the goose chase. While Luna and I discussed some things about Dark Magic, Celestia chimed in from time to time to add in some newer knowledge that Luna didn’t have. We agreed that we would talk more in depth about it later that night so I could have a chance to meet Cadenza first. We finished up with dinner and Celestia told me to head out to the gardens and wait for Cadenza there. I gave her a hug and a hearty spank before I left and walked across the fucking castle so I could bitch at our slippery Princess for a little bit. When I got to the gardens, I stood around in the middle of the aromatic place for like, ten minutes before a predominantly pink Alicorn made her presence known. I gave her a quick scan and took in some of her features.

The woman was ‘pretty’ defined into a single person, rivalling Celestia and Luna in sheer attractiveness and thoroughly crushing most of her competition. Seriously, Cadenza blew Fleur and Berry out of the water, and the only reason Rarity could hold a candle to her was because I’d seen her without her makeup. I tried not to notice her C-cup breasts or her slim figure, but it was hard not to since she was wearing a rather form-fitting dress. It was modest yet complimentary to her physique and colour scheme, though I wondered why her hair didn’t have the same quality as Celestia’s or Luna’s, instead reminding me more of Twilight. It was a combination of three colours; pale yellow, a mild pink, and a pleasant purple, hanging down past her shoulders. In hindsight, I suppose the tri-tonal quality in and of itself is quite rare since I believe I’d only seen it in Twilight and maybe her mother before then.

Once I’d finished my brief inspection, I asked, “Do you have any fucking clue how hard it is to find you? I mean, seriously, I’ve spent a pretty good chunk of my goddamn day and valuable time trying to find you,” I chided.

Cadenza blinked at me. “... Hello to you too?”

“In a bit, yeah?” I waved her greeting aside. “Speaking of bits, I came here and looked for you, you know that? I know you’re a fucking Princess- Ooo~ good for you. Whatevs, bitch. When you hear someone calling your name, are you honestly not curious as to what they want to talk to you about? Honestly?”

“... You just said that you know I’m a Princess, yet you’re still yelling at me?” She asked incredulously.

“Your station doesn’t mean you’re above getting chewed the fuck out for being difficult, dammit! And I’m not yelling at you before just then; I’m bitching. There’s a difference, and I’d thank you to remember it,” I sniffed.

“Would you do the same to Auntie Celestia or Auntie Luna?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“I would and I have,” I responded irritably, “Ask them yourself. I don’t give a damn who you are, I’ll be the first to tell you that you’re being rude. Rude arse, pink fuckin, colour-crazy, half-chested, horn-headed, swooshy-dress-wearing, big-hoof-having-” I strung together a lot of swears and observations from there on that I don’t care to remember. “- taffy-smelling, goofy-fuck-faced Royal twat!”

Cadenza stood there and looked at me for a few minutes, probably trying to make heads or tails of what I was saying. Once I was done, she politely said, “... I apologize for being rude, but I’m sure you understand not wanting to be disturbed by just any pony.”

“I understand it, which is why I’m going to go bitch at Celestia once we’re done with our little meet and greet for not telling me that you didn’t want to be disturbed in the first place. Well, I’m gonna bitch at her again. More.” I thought about it. “I’ll prank her for it, at least.”

Cadenza shook her head and chuckled at me. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a pony who cares so little about status.”

“You probably haven’t. Did Celestia tell you that my first words to her were flirtations?” I asked.

Cadenza cracked up at that. “You flirted with the ruler of Equestria the first time you met her?”

“And most of the times after that, actually. I argued with Luna the first time I met her,” I shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t respect authority, I just like teasing pretty women that can make my life hellish for some reason. It makes me feel like some kind of sycophant when I show deference to someone because they’re royalty or something, and screwing with people is great.”

Cadenza smiled at that for some reason. “I think I’m going to like you, whatever your name is.”

“My name is Maximus, but most people call me Max,” I said simply.

“My title is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but my friends call me Cadance.” She extended a hand.

I shook it. “They can only call you Cadance if they can find you.”

She giggled. “I suppose that’s true. So why are you looking for me?”

“Honestly? Celestia told me there was another Princess in the castle and I wanted to see if I could seduce you. That was true up until I couldn’t find you.”

Cadance blushed. “This isn’t you trying to seduce me, is it? Because I’m pretty sure that ‘bitching’, as you call it, doesn’t really put a mare in the mood.” No shit? Wonder how I keep getting laid, then.

“You’d be surprised. Some women get off on being verbally abused.”

She gave me an odd look. “... Was that you trying to seduce me?”

“Of course not, love. I’d never speak to a woman such as yourself that way if I wanted to lay her.”

“I would hope not. I don’t think that guilt is the emotion you want when you’re trying to get some action.” Cadance said with a patronizing smile. Oh you- Are you really looking down on me or are you just playing?

“It is in certain situations. I wouldn’t utilize it to that effect, but you might be surprised at some of the methods I’ve seen work,” I said neutrally.

“What method would you use for me? Just out of curiosity,” Cadance hurriedly assured me.

I had to put a hold on the grin I could feel forming. Playing, then. Let’s play, lover. “Well, first, I would get closer.” I walked over to her. “Then, I would initiate contact.” I took her hand. “And from there, I’d be honest.”

Cadance had a little blush on her face. “What about?”

I wondered if I should tell her. I knew she had a love interest, but women in loving relationships didn’t respond like she was. I found it to be a little odd since Celestia had told me that she already had a suitor that she was head over heels for, and she had been telling the truth as she’d known it. It wasn’t the smartest move, but it seemed to have its perks down the line.

Looking into her eyes, I focused there. “I would tell you that your eyes remind me of pink roses: Lovely, yet hiding some pain that the world doesn’t need to know of, the thorns of a beautiful flower driven deep with the ache only a true lover can feel. I would tell you that your beauty made my heart skip a beat and stole the breath from my lungs, leaving me dizzy, entrancing me from the very first moment.” I purred sensually. “I would tell you that your coat reminds me of the sweetest candy floss, or cotton candy as you’d call it, that I used to eat when I was little, and that it reminds me of a happier time when I was a nicer person. I would tell you that your voice is every bit as smooth as silk, as inviting as satin, and as alluring as a warm bed on those cold, lonely winter nights, as comforting as a lover’s touch during the year’s worst storm. I would tell you-” Cadance sealed my lips with a passionate kiss, and I put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her away. I may have waited longer than necessary, but her kiss had sent a warmth through me that I was quite fond of.

Cadance opened her eyes when she realized that I’d broken the contact and covered her mouth. “Oh. Oh my stars. Max, I-I…”

I tilted my head at her. “I thought guilt wasn’t the emotion I was supposed to be going for?” I said casually.

“Max, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I just…” She trailed off.

“You got caught up in the moment, I understand. It’s hard to resist my charms at times,” I sighed heavily.

Cadance wrung her hands. “I really am sorry, I…”

“If I didn’t want a kiss, I wouldn’t have told you all of that.” I assured her. Better back off, she’s not the type and I’m not that guy. “As long as we leave it at that, I think we’ll be okay.”

“... You said all that for a kiss?”

“No, I said all that because I told you I’d be honest,” I replied sincerely. “I didn’t really want a kiss until you kissed me, which is kind of ironic because I was about to move onto your lips.”

“... So what did you want?” She asked cautiously.

“I’d love to spend a night in your bed, but I don’t think your lover would approve,” I commented.

Cadance scowled. “I don’t think he really has a right to say anything. If he can have an affair, then so can I.”

I raised my hands in a placating gesture. “Easy now, Cadance. You don’t want to do something rash just because he made a mistake. You can never take it back if you cheat on him too, and you’ll forever lose that leverage.”

Cadance’s scowl changed targets to me. “I don’t want to hear this from the stallion who just tried to seduce me.”

“If I’d known that you were only interested as a means of revenge, I wouldn’t have said anything. I won’t step into your quarrel, Cadance. Not if it might fuck up any chance of you working things out with your man.”

She scowled at me some more before sighing. “I suppose it would have been unfair of me to get you involved.”

“Quite. If you can get him to agree to let you be with me, however, I would happily accept you.” I would have to explain that to Flutters, however. I don’t think she would be too happy with me if she didn’t get a chance this time, come to think of it.

Cadence tilted her head and thought about that. “I would like to have coitus with somepony other than Shining Armour at least once in my life.” Fucking shite.

I grimaced, “Oooh, yeah... I don’t think you’re going to have much luck there. I suggest leaving my name out of the equation if you really want to do something.”

“He didn’t tell me anything about the mare he was with, so why should I extend him the courtesy?” Cadance scoffed. “Does Shining dislike you or something?”

I waved my hand in a ‘kinda sorta’ gesture. “He doesn’t hate me as a person, to my knowledge, though I doubt we’ll be friends anytime soon. I’m dating his little sister, Twilight.”

Cadance’s eyes shot open. “You’re dating Twily? I used to foalsit her when she was little!” She paused and looked at me. “I just realized that you’re younger than Twilight. Wow.” Bitch, what?

“I am? How old is Twilight?” I asked.

“You’re dating her and you don’t know?” Cadance asked, stunned.

“I’m not a Pony, love; I don’t automatically know everyone’s ages as soon as I meet them. You Ponies tend to leave age out of conversations, so it’s not like I would know if I didn’t ask.”

“Twilight’s twenty-three, Max.” Cadance shook her head.

“Okay, I’m a little surprised that she’s the same age as Pinkie, one of our friends,” I explained.

“How is Twilight, if you don’t mind my asking?”

And so I told her. We ended up talking about Twilight for about an hour, and I revealed that we hadn’t done much more than kiss. Cadance was a little disappointed to hear that Twilight still had her virginity for some reason, but was happy that I was willing to wait until she was more comfortable with the idea of sex. Cadance asked a few more questions about me personally, like what I do for money and some of my hobbies. She was shocked to learn that I wasn’t just some asshole with a Barony, however, she wasn’t all that surprised to find that I was an Operative. She told me that she expected that I was some kind of combatant, though I didn’t know why she’d assumed that. Apparently it was just my aura or something so I just let it go. Apparently, Cadance was Celestia’s niece because of the way Equestrian orphanages work or some shit so she’d been raised as a Princess, though that didn’t explain why she was an Alicorn. She told me that she’d ascended when she was around Twilight’s age which made me ask how old she was. Apparently that was rude and I shouldn’t have asked.

I guess she forgot that I’d started bitching at her as soon as I met her.

Cadance eventually either got tired of my insolent answers or my questions. Either way, she went to bed after wishing me a good night and telling me that she looked forward to seeing me in the morning. I told her that I looked forward to seeing her leave, but at her offended look, I told her that I was waiting for a chance to check her out from behind. She stuck a blindfold on me that she’d gotten from… Somewhere, and affixed it in place with magic until she’d left my sight. I sighed to myself and went to go find Luna. Luna was, of course, in the Court Hall, holding Night Court. When I arrived in the room she pointed at her Steward and told him to handle any affairs that came up so she could take me to her room. That didn’t bode well and I had the worst feeling I’d ever fucking had in the pit of my stomach.

My instincts went wild until I sussed out what Luna wanted, but the bad feeling didn’t go away. The dread was persistent, weighing on me like it had but a few times in the past. The sensation of being stalked and watched was unending, so I asked for a quicker cessation to our journey and Luna abided. We teleported to her room because her sin is sloth and she didn’t need much of a reason to be lazy. She had me stand with my arms out so she could run a diagnostic spell, though she took a moment before starting it. Blu-na explained that hers would be more in depth than Celestia’s had been and would let her know what all I could do. She said it plainly and hid none of her intentions, but I had to remember; I was getting stronger and Luna had me alone. There was nothing I could do to help myself other than trust in my ‘friends’.

While not really wanting to be there, I figured a little conversation would make it less… Scary, for lack of a better word. Anxiety-inducing is more of a phrase. “So how does your scan differ from Celestia’s?” I asked.

“Because we are linked, I can glean more about you from a diagnostic spell, and because it is my Dark Magic that links us, I can grasp your abilities with relative ease,” Luna explained. “My scan is better because it is more specific in what it is looking for and because I am essentially peering into your soul.”

“Is that why I feel so violated? I think you’re the only person I’ve had so deep inside of me,” I crooned flirtatiously, my tone sounding weak to me.

Luna scowled and focused on processing the information she was receiving. After about ten minutes of waiting, her magic dispelled and she looked at me. “Well. There is good news and bad news.”

“Bad news first, please.” I requested.

She nodded. “From your multiple deaths, you’ve been rendered completely sterile, though it’s not necessarily the cause of anything from Equestria. There is a chemical compound of some sort in your blood that appears to be somewhat magical in nature, though it is nothing I have ever seen before. I imagine it is from your world?”

“There’s only one thing I can think of that might have caused that.” Fucking Rat Bastard and his massive needle… I still remembered the sheer Hell that he had put me through with Graham’s ministrations and thought back to... Bad times. Baaad times... I shook at the memory. “I was tortured shortly before I came to Equestria… Given some sort of serum that caused my body to feel like it was on fire from the inside.”

Luna nodded. “That serum has extended your life by three hundred or so years. While it is in your body, you cannot die.” Her voice carried a little something I didn’t like hearing.

“Yeah, that’s a load of bull. I’ve died twice since then.”

“But neither time saw you dead for more than thirty minutes. The Dark Magic in your body is alive, Maximus, and she tells me that the serum would have saved you, regardless of whether or not Celestia or I had interfered.”

My heart skipped a beat and I put my hands in my pockets. “Well, thanks anyway-”

“Maximus.”

“... Yeah?”

“There is a living being inside of you. A woman many, many years your senior that knows very much about you. An Alicorn that looks quite similar to Nightmare Moon.”

“... But she’s not-”

“No, and she is quite the mare. I have to say that I appreciate her efforts.” Luna’s tone had turned cold along with her gaze.

My heart pounded in my chest and my mouth felt dry. “Towards…?”

Luna tilted her head. “Keeping you too drunk to attempt suicide again, of course. Leaning your self-harm habits toward blades enchanted many times over to bring you no pain.”

“... Explains a bit… So… About this Nightmare Moon-icorn that’s snitching me out left and right-”

“You heard me correctly. Your Dark Magic is technically a half of Nightmare Moon.”

“... How cool is she?”

“We had tea. She finds you to be an amusing host. She told me of the time you accidentally gave Pinkie Pie a sexual toy that was supposed to be meant for me.” Luna said drily. Mother FUCK!!!!!

“In my defence, it was supposed to be a joke gift for whenever you pissed me off,” I remarked casually, sweating bullets.

“I have something similar for you, though now I am upset that my idea was not as original as I thought.” swear-to-god-swear-to-god-swear-to-god-swear-to-god-swear-to-god-

“Great Minds think alike.”

Luna scoffed, levelling a harsh look at me. Her pragmatism was burning low. “To further explain the effect that Nightmare Moon will have on you, I will say this: Her magic will slowly erode your emotions, though the damage will be reversible with adequate knowledge of Dark Magic or runistry. She herself can teach you how to utilize your magic without corrupting yourself, though you should be warned that morally questionable actions will take their tolls on you.”

“... So… What about the passive stuff? Is there anything that’ll happen if I just don’t use Dark Magic?”

“There is little enough of consequence. Maybe you feel a touch less warm at times. She can keep the Dark Magic from killing you for as long as she needs. The half of her inside of you does not wish to die.” Luna’s jaw clenched and my breath came to me in strained, meagre streams with the crushing gravity of the situation. “... She will continue saving your life for as long as necessary, despite your former eagerness to end it.”

“So she’s the reason my suicide attempts failed,” I commented weakly.

“She is not the sole reason, though she would like to discuss that with you.” Luna glared at me, though I couldn’t really understand why she was furious… I could’ve understood hurt and maybe she was at the moment, but I legitimately thought she was going to kill me anyway.

“I’ll address that in a moment.” I cleared my throat. “What powers am I getting?”

Luna glared at me, her tone barely restrained. “Nightmare Moon will explain what she is allowing you to have and why.”

“So if you die, Nightmare Moon takes me over?” I asked, prolonging the inevitable.

“Yes.” She answered through her teeth.

“Lovely. Now what’s this about talking to her?” I inquired.

“Meditate and she will come to you. I have allowed her some freedom within you since she is benevolent towards you, but do not think that she will not lead you astray. You may have gotten the side of her that is actually somewhat pleasant to deal with, but that does not mean that she will give you good advice at every turn.” Luna, please… I’m not ready...

“So keep my advice needs to things that concern my life. Gotcha.”

“And your long term happiness,” Luna added. “Nightmare Moon will not stand for another suicide attempt and neither will I. Should you ever become dangerous to yourself, I will know, and I will not be happy.” … Yeah. I just need threats to keep me going. Woo...

“Duly noted. I’m doing better now-”

“I know,” Luna interrupted, “Nightmare Moon has told me as much. She says that you do not fear death, but at the very least you no longer wish for it daily.”

“... What else has she told you?”

“She told me that you once longed to be at Celestia’s side, but after browsing your old journals, that you received a reminder of what she put you through. I suggest you review that entry as often as you feel the need to rejoin Celestia before your fifty years are up. She may be my sister, but that does not mean that I am blind to her flaws, nor does it mean that I am willing to allow her to destroy something she wants so badly.”

“So you’re on my side for this one?”

“No, you were foolish enough to trust someone whose darkness you are well aware of, so it is your own fault. I place the blame between Celestia and yourself since you both consented to the relationship.”

“Fair enough, I guess. I’ll keep your advice in mind, but by the sound of it, I think Nightmare Moon will warn me if I’m about to make a mistake.”

“If you ask her opinion, she will…” Luna trailed off, losing a lot of heat and pressure to her tone. Is that… Nah, pity don’t look that way, init. Peepin’ through me right now.

“Is there something else on your mind?” I asked cautiously

“... We will address the issues after you speak with your friendly little parasite. She has told me about things you need to discuss with someone.”

“... How much do you know about me now?”

“I know the full extent of your self-harming and a good deal more,” Luna snapped.

“...I like your hair?” I tried. … I almost got away with it...

“Nightmare Moon said that she has been working against your healing factor so that you leave scars, but that you rarely cut that deeply. Maximus, why do you hurt yourself?”

“... You wouldn’t understand, Luna, it’s…”

I wasn’t looking at her when she touched my arm and I couldn’t help but jolt and grimace. I felt naked. Afraid. Bare to the woman in front of me. Meeting Luna’s gaze saw me looking at a friend who wasn’t angry because she didn’t understand. She really was hurt because she was always a letter away and I never once asked for help. “Max… Few of my friends have I held so dearly as yourself. If you do not speak and I do not listen, how could I possibly understand?”

I grit my teeth and let the first one slip. “... It feels good, Luna… When I can feel the pain instead of the emptiness...” I choked a little and she hugged me, so I calmed my breath and continued. “... I just want to feel alive, and you know you’re alive when you’re in pain…”

“And it feels good to be alive. To live a life in the shell you find yourself in rather than feeling the vibrations in the hollowness. That I do understand, Maximus, and I do wish I’d asked what weighed your heart down so heavily before you came to struggle on your own once again.”

I squeezed her a little tighter. “... It’s a little better these days.”

“Yesterday, Max…”

“... Just once.”

Luna held me for a few seconds before letting go. “Then we work towards none-ce a day, every day.”

I nodded. “Right… Luna, I-”

“Oh, I am telling Celestia. You told her that you would cease nearly a year ago, and yet you did not. While we can’t punish you in good faith, Celestia will still have her piece to say on the matter.”

“I’d really rather not deal with it, Bluna. I-”

“Bluna!?”

“Blue-Luna.”

“I hate you. I rescind my hug. You are the worst.”

“So we’re not telling Celestia, cool-”

“Celestia and I consider you a friend, Max. We have few. If we earn your hatred through our attempts to stop you from self-destructing entirely, then we will accept this as a necessary evil. If not the both of us, then I most certainly will,” Luna stated firmly. “I will not interfere with your life as Celestia did. However, I will not give you the rope to hang yourself with and act surprised when you do it. This is already over. It’s already a deal. You don’t get a say. You. Are. Sick. You had a chance to ask for help. Now help is coming to you.”

I crossed my arms and thought. Is it bad that I love you for this? No… No, it’s not. Thank you. Thank you for proving me wrong... “I understand your frustrations, but bitching at me just pisses me off. If anything, I’ll continue doing what I was just to spite you.”

“And my promise still stands. We- no, I will not allow you to harm yourself anymore than you already have.”

“Then why don’t we just agree to let the past stay in the past and focus on making the correct decisions in the future? The only thing punishing me will do is make me mad at you, and we can just avoid that entirely. Hell, you guys lie to me all the time! I don’t see you getting punished for anything!” I might want your concern, but I’m not putting up with that shit for dealing with my struggle.

Luna’s posture eased up a little. “You will not talk yourself out of this, Maximus. I will speak to Celestia about this…” She paused. “... Though I suppose that I could advocate that you have punished yourself enough already.”

“Please do. I’ve been through enough without adding retribution from my friends to the list, and it’s not like you guys have much space to talk.”

“I suppose we don’t,” Luna sighed. “You manage to talk yourself out of too many things.”

“Because I present reasonable, logical arguments that make too much sense to discount.” And I only do it when I know it’s gonna fuckin’ work.

Luna shook her head. After a few minutes of silence, she said, “I have nothing else for you Max. Other than well wishes and hope that you get along with Nightmare Moon, I suppose... I have the evil half, so you should be able to get along with her well enough.”

I blinked at her. “Wait, so you have to deal with the same evil that turned you against your sister?”

“Yes, but it is half as strong as it once was, if not even less than my expectations. I can handle it much better than I could years ago, so do not waste any time fretting about Celestia’s safety.”

“It’s not hers that I’m worried about, Luna. What happens if Nightmare Moon worms her way into your brain again? Can you come back a second time?”

“... Are you concerned for me?” Luna asked softly. It’s not like you just said that we’re friends or anything.

“No shit, Luna. We’re friends. How am I supposed to just sit back and let my friend be in danger? It’s the same thing you were just saying, ironically enough.”

Luna gave me a little smile, wry though it was. “So you do understand my frustrations. I assure you that Celestia and I will be able to handle it should a problem ever arise, though I do find your concern touching.”

I nodded. “I trust that you’ll handle it, but never be afraid to ask for my assistance.”

Luna gave me a look that made me worried. “It may come to that in the future. Be well, Max, and get some rest after you talk to your new… Guardian, I suppose.”

“I’m not going to be able to sleep anytime soon. Once I have a chat with her, I’ll come talk to you about it.”

She nodded. “Please do. I’ll see you soon enough, then.” Luna teleported out with a little ‘pop’ and I was left alone in her room.

Since I was left to my own devices, I drew little dark magic disks all over her room and turned her furniture into a maze that would lead her through most of them. Chuckling to myself, I stepped out and surprised the Night Guards that were on duty. There was a wave and a greeting before I headed toward the gardens so I could talk with Nightmare Moon, the evil being that had torn Equestria’s world apart for a thousand years. But the nice side of that thing. The nice side...

It’s not like I ever knew what Nightmare Moon really was, though I did know that it was an evil being that had grown from Luna’s envy of the praise Celestia had received. I was a little wary of interacting with something that was obviously evil as shit, but then again, Celestia was pretty evil herself. I couldn’t really say anything since I’d stuck my willy in that evil knowing full-well what it was and the danger it posed to me. It bothered me that I’d had another entity inside me for months and I hadn’t even known, but I tried to push my worries to the side since it wouldn’t help for me to freak out. It also didn’t help that Nightmare Moon had been able to tell Luna about things that I’d never told a single soul about, not even my journals.

I sat down in the middle of the garden and assumed the position. From months of practice, I found the epicentre of calm within the maelstrom that usually kept my mind busy quickly enough and stayed there. It took some time to get comfortable in the trance-like state, but bringing up different thoughts to ruminate on until I got bored helped. When I opened my eyes all I saw was darkness. I figured that Nightmare Moon was doing it, so I waved my hand in front of my face. I couldn’t see a damned thing, so I tried calling out.

“Hullo? Anyone home?”

‘Just imagine a light or something of the sort. Put yourself in your old safe house, the abandoned church.’ It was a terribly plain voice in my head, but a voice nonetheless. Hello strange voice in my head! I guess I’m goin’ schizo again.

I started at the sound of the unknown voice, but I did what it asked. Closing my eyes, I focused and imagined myself in front of the loose flagstone where I always stored jewellery. When I opened my eyes, I was back in the church, just as it had been the day I’d left. My heart ached, knowing that I would never return to this place. That was something I’d made my peace with long ago, though it did me no favours to be in my favourite flash ken.

A thought crossed my mind.

‘I advise against that, Kaid. Seeing Max again will only bring you suffering.’

“... I need to say goodbye.”

‘... True. So be it.’

I closed my eyes and brought my brother into existence. Seeing him again, his straight blond hair and his slightly chubby face. The fucker had always been so much taller than me, and you could always spot some redness in his cheeks, though it was always a fifty-fifty shot if he was just drunk or mad. His broad shoulders paired well with his more heavyset stature, and his meat hooks, or rather, his hands, still carried every scar that he’d had from multiple jobs. It was good to see him hale and hearty again. Hurt in a way that I didn’t mind.

I’m not ashamed to admit that. I tried to hug the illusion, but it just didn’t feel right, so I let it go and said, “I love you, mate. Never got to say it to you, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t, but it’s too damn late now, init?” I paused and tried to find the words. “You… You were the one who looked after me and showed me so much when John got rolled… I never forgot the last thing you said to me. ‘If we ever go our separate ways, I want you to know that we’ll find each other again, no matter what. One way or the other, mate, we’ll find each other.’... I ran from you then because I couldn’t face losing you. I wasn’t there when you went under because I couldn’t see you like that… I don’t need you to understand, but I do need you to know that I’ve never regretted anything in my life more than abandoning you, Maxwell. Goodbye, Ruddy-Face Fuckdick. Your name will live on with me for... Hundreds of years, apparently. I swear to you, I’ll do you proud.”

While I was in the midst of breaking down again, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and tried to see who it was through my tears, but I already knew who to expect. “I am sure that it hurts now, but you made the right decision. Perhaps not at the right time given what the rest of this night holds, but the right choice nonetheless.”

I wiped my face and took a few moments to put myself back together. “... Yeah, it sucks pretty hard right now... I needed that.” I cleared my eyes one last time and got my feet under me, so to speak. “So you’re Nightmare Moon, right?”

I gave her a good once over. Besides the fact that she was nearly black from the deepness of the blue of her coat and the fact that she had a broken horn, there wasn’t much of her that I could see. She was a good deal taller than me, but she was wearing a ratty old cloak that seemed to be a little small for her. I highly doubted that she was wearing anything underneath said cloak, and I wondered why she hadn’t just conjured clothes.

“In a manner of speaking. You may call me Noir. Nightmare Moon is such a mouthful, and it’s also not truly who I am,” Noir answered, curtsying deeply. I avoided looking at anything other than her face while she did. “I am sure you have questions.”

“Yeah, like why aren’t you wearing clothes, you deviant?” I said playfully, biting back fear and trepidation. Sup, cunt?

Noir looked at the state of her dress and let the cloak fall. I stared at the cloak on the ground for a minute before she coughed. When I looked up, she was wearing a black blouse with a very professional pencil skirt. “I never thought to wear anything while I was alone here. It seemed like a pointless courtesy.”

“Hey, if you want to run around my mind without clothes on, don’t let me stop you. Just don’t get mad if my imagination focuses on you.” I gave her a devious grin. Let’s see if I can make you as uncomfortable as I am.

“Do not force yourself to smile in my presence, I know your thoughts as soon as they happen.” Whoops. “Such is the nature of our bond. Do not fret, however, I already consider you to be a decent man, seeing as how you would fall into either the True Neutral or Chaotic Good categories on a spectrum of good and evil.”

“That’s nice and all, but how do I stop you from raping my privacy?” I asked, more than a little bothered.

Noir shrugged. “You cannot. I cannot do much more than I already attempt. We must make the most of our situation since neither of us can leave it, and I do extend an apology for my intrusion, whatever its value would be to you.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I was still pissed, so I did it again. “Alright, so I’m obviously not happy about this, or half the shit you’ve spilled about me.”

“... Max… It hurts to hear a being as forgiving as yourself weep when alone. To see you wound yourself to lessen the pain inside. To know that your heart is full of love, yet so much hatred for yourself is just inches away…”

Sound like Applejack. “... I’d apologize-”

“Your pain is your right. Your struggle is your right. I want to bring you to the point where your happiness is your right as well, if you follow my meaning.”

I nodded, wary of the direction I needed to steer the conversation. “... What all did you tell her about? Besides the stuff we already discussed.”

“Of course. I told her of your feelings toward her-”

“Wait, you told Luna that I have a crush on her!?” I shouted.

“No, Kaid. I did not. I told her that you value her greatly as a friend and confidant, though you do fear her and her power. I would not betray you in such a way.” But other ways are fine...

I cooled off quickly. “... I’m sorry. Shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.”

“Save your apology, you will soon despise me.” I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose as she continued with, “I told Luna of what Chief Graham did to you.”

“You FUCKING WHAT BITCH!?” I asked in ‘disbelief’.

Noir nodded. “You should speak with her about it. Luna is a good choice to keep your secrets. You should know that she would not tell Celestia if she-”

I lunged at her, but stopped in mid air. Noir manoeuvred me so that I was standing upright, but about a foot or so in the air. I don’t know the fucking Imperial System, so shove it. “Give me one reason I shouldn’t be trying to FUCKING END YOU right now.”

“You’re angry because you don’t want to be scared. You’ve needed to speak on the matter for a full Earth year now, and nearly a full Equestrian one. Your psyche is frail at best, Max-”

“So fucking what!? If I wanted someone to know-”

“Did you not?”

“No!”

“I would tell you to lie to yourself instead of me, but in doing so you lie to both of us. I do not like being lied to, and I know the truth.”

I trembled in place as I thought of ways to fuck her life up. The random stranger claiming to have my best interests at heart while spilling my deepest secrets? “Ya cunt got some nerve in ya. Enlighten me to the truth, init?”

“It is okay to be afraid. We are here alone. There is no one to judge you for feeling vulnerable here.” I glared at her with the wrath of betrayal burning in my stomach. “You would’ve continued holding your silence indefinitely, Max. You do want someone to know. You beg yourself, scream, and beat yourself bloody inside because you cannot eke the words-” My punch landed, but she hardly seemed to care, gently taking my fist from her face. “Words out. As brave as you are when risking your life, nothing scares you more than what lies inside. Is it not time to face the demons you have fled from for so long?”

I rubbed at my hand. Her face was harder than marble. “... Why’d you just stand there?”

“Because I overstepped my boundaries. I well and truly deserved it, despite seeking to help you.”

My anger abated, replaced by regret. “You did something for me and I hit you... Are you sure I’m really worth helping?”

“That is a silly question at best. I know you better than any other being on this planet. I would daresay that you, most of all, deserve a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on.”

“... Still… Sorry for throwing that punch.” I shook out the ache because seriously. Colossus didn’t have shite on the Alicorn in front of me.

“You’re making the best of a bad situation, so I will not hold it against you. You feel bad for your actions, so I will forgive you. Things do not have to be complicated between us, Kaid, and I would like to consider you a friend in time. Hopefully the path I have set for you is one you need to be on. Otherwise, we, together, will pick you up,” Noir intoned warmly. “Even when you are alone, Maximus, you are no longer alone.”

“... Thank you.”

“You are most welcome.”

There was a moment of silence as I thought about the next step. What I wanted out of the rest of my day. I closed my eyes, knowing that there was more I needed to say. “... Noir… Why help me?”

When I looked at her, I saw an amused smile. “What? Am I not allowed to like a jackass with a heart of silver?”

“Fair enough. So…”

“Because I have been with you for a good while, Kaid. I know why you do what you do. The reasons behind your actions.”

My face heated up and I looked down. “... Then you should know that Kaid did his best to die. Call me Max.”

Noir extended a hand. “Hello, Maximus. I am Noir.”

I looked at it for a moment and swatted it aside before going for the hug. “Name’s Max. Thief, Operative, Lover, Fighter, and all around asinine arsehole.”

She patted my back a little awkwardly so I let her go. “You know, it is good to finally meet you. I have been observing in silence for long enough.”

“I suppose you have. Say, when Celestia did her scan why didn’t she recognize you?” I asked.

Noir led me over to one of the church pews and sat down. “She did not know that I existed. Many Ponies think that Nightmare Moon is a single entity, but like the Solar and Lunar Diarchs, we are halves of a whole. Sisters that once ruled the nation. I am the peace of slumber and my sister is the evil that lurks within. You should not fear for Luna: I will assist you in subduing my sister should the need ever arrive, though I doubt the need shall arise in any lifetime you see.”

“Thanks love, I appreciate that. I guess you know the reasons why.”

“I do, but… It is admittedly nice to hear another speak,” She said softly.

“I’m getting tired of thanking you, so why don’t we just pretend I did and move onto… I dunno, how I should be handling my friends, I guess.”

“It is no issue. Speaking of your friends, it would be unwise to lay with Cadance. Twilight would likely be disturbed and Shining would most definitely try to ruin you at some level and demolish your relationship with your favourite nerd.”

I sighed. “I guess I knew that, but got blinded by the power of Princess pussy. Don’t care about Shining, though. He can suck one.”

Noir chuckled. “You do have quite the unique way of stating things.”

“Helps keep me alive, baby. Is there anything else I should avoid doing?” I asked.

“The threesome with Fleur and Fluttershy is a bad idea. Fluttershy will feel threatened by the presence of an older, more experienced woman in your life, and will feel as though you want her to be like Fleur.”

“I could always try telling her that it isn’t true.” I suggested.

“Since when does Fluttershy listen to you? If she is upset, she will ignore every word you say and will potentially jeopardize both of your relationships by doing so,” Noir warned.

“So no Fleur at all, or just no Fleur with Fluttershy?”

“No Fleur with Fluttershy. No Fleur with anyone, except maybe Celestia in disguise.” Noir tapped her chin. “Celestia would not be threatened, but rejoining her early is a bad idea.”

“Noted again. So what do you do in here all day? It must be depressing, sitting here in a pitch black void.”

“It is boring, though I cannot become depressed. It is against my very nature,” Noir informed.

I closed my eyes and started imagining more of my safe houses, like Granny Altham’s old flat, my hangout with Maxwell, and my old house that I’d lived in with my parents. Noir led me out of the church so I could survey my efforts and I gasped. I’d basically rebuilt Wiltshire, but only with places that I’d seen or been. It was still pretty expansive as far as I could see, and when Noir took my hand, we floated over the town. I could see the literal holes in my memory where I hadn’t been to certain places, but it was still a considerable amount of town to explore.

“Holy Hell… Did I do that?” I asked numbly.

“You can do many things here, Max. Your mind remembers everything, even if you feel that you do not. You could most likely paint your mindscape with every place you’ve ever been, if you so desired.”

“How long will it take for you to walk through all of this?”

“A few hours, I suppose. Thank you.” Noir gently glided us back towards the direction of the church.

I stopped her while we were in mid air. “Hold on, can I make anything?”

Noir gave me a womanly look. “Making a giant phallus would not be entertaining for anyone other than you. This is not Minecraft. I am not a twelve-year-old boy.”

I sighed. “Duly noted. Let me have some fun, will you?”

Noir nodded. “Create the castle, if you so desire.”

I gave her a look for reading my mind and focused on recreating the castle in the Everfree, my second home. When I opened my eyes, it was there, though Noir wasn’t exactly happy about it. “What’s on your mind, tall, dark, and pretty?”

“You would classify me as beautiful,” Noir commented.

“That doesn’t answer my question, now does it?” I asked irritably.

“It does not. I was thinking of how different my home looked now. Well, my former home.”

“... Can’t you do the same thing I can in here?”

“... Be silent.” She closed her eyes and I watched as the castle became hazy before the image suddenly sharpened, showing the castle as it once was.

“Okay then, that was cool. I say we take a field trip.” I said.

“We can. We shall start at the top.” Noir flew us over to one of the towers and led us inside.

We were in Celestia’s old room, if my memory was anything to go by. Everything about the room was different, from the colour of the walls to the insignia laid into the floor, though it was actually kind of just nice to see my old crash-pad in its former glory, though I did wonder why I’d never read about Noir. Common sense told me that Celestia censored the fuck out of history, making me wonder what things had been like before she took over. While I was in though Noir set us on the stone floor and I wandered over to the bed. I laid down on it and Noir joined me shortly after.

“You know, the only time I share a bed with a woman is if I’m about to-”

“Go to sleep” Noir interrupted. “I have witnessed your moments of intimacy. I do not need any more information than that which I already possess.”

“Fair enough. Wanna wrestle?” I offered.

“I would win. I am surprised that you did not mean that as a ploy to explore my phys- Oh, there it is. I was wondering.”

“It’s so unfair that you can read my mind. How am I supposed to charm you if I can’t think up any of my usual things?”

“Once we are more familiar with each other, I suppose the option could be made available. I rarely enough had the chance to experience intercourse during my short time on Equus.”

“Then I eagerly await stealing your reborn virginity, only to never call.”

“That is only funny because I know that you would never stoop to such levels.” Noir chuckled with a little smile.

I sat up on the bed and patted her leg. “Sure you do, love.”

Noir sat up along with me. “You are curious about your powers, are you not?”

“You know I was just about to ask. Let’s walk and talk.” I got off the bed and waited for Noir to do the same before leading us through some of my favourite spots in the castle.

Noir looked around, taking everything in. “It feels so empty without servants milling about doing as they would.”

“Of course it does. I’m guessing that living here is going to be a lonely existence,” I said solemnly.

“It will be less lonely now that we can communicate. This is nothing compared to spending a thousand years on the moon as the subordinate personality.” Noir smiled a little, seeming content enough, despite the depressing subject. “Do not worry about me. I am too old for loneliness to bother me.”

“But it’s nice to hear someone else’s voice?”

Noir shut her mouth. “Why do we not move on to your powers?”

“Because I just owned you, and I’d like to gloat for a little bit.” I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Do not kick a woman while she is down, it does not speak well of you.”

I shrugged. “I say I’m a terrible person all the time. Maybe I should follow through with that for once.”

“I am happy that you have decided not to.” She waited for me to say something else, but I just shrugged again.

“You know what I have to say already. What powers do I have now?”

“Your first power is the one that you should have had in the first place. You can release my aura to ward people off. Should you put enough effort forward you could turn away most, save for Celestia, Luna, and other exceptionally magically adept people such as Twilight and her mother or Fancy Pants. Even then your presence would discomfort them, identifiable as it would be.”

“Great, so my main power is pushing people away. I’ve already had plenty of practice, at least.”

“You let people in now, which is what matters. Once you talk to Luna, I am sure that you will be happier and more willing to share more with those that you can.”

“If you say so, O mighty prion.”

Noir barked out a laugh. “Your second power will be more useful to you. If you focus, you will be able to ‘knock out’ most ponies with a single look. You must be able to see their eyes and you must actively use it. Send one of your ‘black looks’ someone’s way and they will fall.”

“Save for Alicorns and powerful mages?” I asked, just to be sure.

“All except for ancient Dragons and Luna. Celestia will stumble and lose concentration for a few seconds if she is not aware of your power, though Luna is already aware. I have asked her to stay silent on this matter so that you have a defence against Celestia.” Noir explained.

I exhaled and realized that I’d been holding my breath. “That’s some good fucking news right there. The only thing I could use against her was my tentacle.”

Noir rolled her eyes. “I know that you meant your penis.”

I gave her a shit eating grin. “I know you know. The telekinesis is only useful if I’m either moving slowly or standing still, so it’s nice to have something that I can use while on the move.”

“I know. Besides drawing things in the air that go, ‘poof,’ when you touch them, you can increase the density and make a guided gust of wind. It is practically useless right now, but you may find a use for it later. Other than your perverted plans for spring, of course”

“Only a couple more months to go.” I chuckled. “So is that it? No Dark Magic bolts, black lightning, or mind control?”

Noir stayed silent for a few minutes as we walked. I waited patiently for her to respond, though it was getting a little ridiculous by the time she said, “You do not want those anyway. You worry about using your powers for evil, so you would have given them back in time, even if I assured you that your moral compass is adequate. For now, continue practising with the bow Luna gave you if you want a long ranged skill.”

I sighed. “It sucks when you’re always right about me. Can’t you make an incorrect statement once or something?”

Noir looked me dead in the eye. “You are handsome.”

I gave her a stern look. “That’s not nice. That’s not nice at all.”

“I believe you put it best when you said, ‘Who said I was nice?’.” Noir gave me a mischievous grin.

I tsked. “You suck sometimes, you know that?”

“I am sure you will be well acquainted with my level of suck in a few years. Perhaps you will even come to enjoy it by then.”

“Well, you don’t suck all the time, so I might not hate it when you do. As long as-”

“Not happening.”

“Didn’t you say you liked hearing me talk?” I asked, a little offended that I hadn’t been allowed to finish.

“I said that it was nice, not a necessity,” Noir said flatly. “You can conjure up something that will give you a... ‘Slinger’, if that’s what you are truly after.” She shuddered at the word and I laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try the Alabama Hot Pocket? What about the-”

“I do not understand why they called such a horrendous act something so innocuous, and I never will, no matter how many times you explain it. The Alaskan Pipeline has nothing to do with those disgusting acts. I assure you that you have not met a woman willing to do that.” Noir shook her hands as if she could fling the poo from them.

“Damn women and your standards of how you want to be treated!” I cackled.

Noir gave me a look. “To borrow a phrase from your world; Shut up, dumbarse.”

I laughed harder and she just gave me that look that your mother gives you when she catches you doing something other than masturbating or having sex, which made me laugh even harder. She eventually magicked me off the floor so I would stop banging my head against it when I tried to get up, which I tried to thank her for through my laughter.

“You’re welcome. There is nothing else we must converse about, so you are free to leave whenever you like,” Noir told me once I’d calmed down a bit.

I floated myself back down to the floor. “Are you trying to shove me out the door? Am I that bad?”

Noir shook her head and gave me a crooked smile. “You are not terrible.” Her smile faded. “I only say that you may leave whenever you like because you must still talk to Luna about Chief Graham.”

“Better get comfy, then, because I don’t really wanna have that talk.”

Noir shook her head before stepping closer to me. I stepped back and she stepped forward. That continued for a good five minutes before I walked into a wall, which gave Noir enough time to say goodbye before placing her hand on my forehead. My eyes closed against my will and when I opened them, I was in the castle gardens. I sighed and started stretching since everything hurt from being stuck in the same position for hours on end. About five hours had passed while I was in my mindscape, so I still had plenty of midnight oil left to burn.

I wandered around the castle, dreading the conversation that I was going to be forced to have until a Night Guard stopped me and told me to head to the Court Hall. I was tempted to tell him to fuck off and roll over, but the guy was just doing his job and that would have been quite rude, so I pretended to head with him to the Court Hall and ditched his arse, polar ice-cold. It wasn’t that I was scared as I sped through side hall after side hall, but I didn’t really see a reason to slow down until I had to start paying attention to where I was. Unfortunately, I happened to be in an unfamiliar part of the castle and I had gotten there pretty quickly. I wandered around some more until I spotted two guards on patrol. I gave them a wave until they started jogging toward me, tipping me off that they were looking for me.

When they came close enough for polite conversation, I said, “Evening, gents. Can I help you with something?”

The guards saluted me and the older looking one said, “Sir, we’ve been asked to escort you to the Court Hall by Princess Luna.”

“I thought so. I was just heading there, actually, and got severely lost. I’m assuming you two know the way?”

They traded a look. “... We were told that you might be less than cooperative.” The elder fellow said.

“I’m a pretty cooperative guy most days. What are you guys called? Like, what are your names?” I asked.

The older fellow spoke first and saluted again. “My name is Dune Bug, sir.”

“M-My name is S-Silver Storm.” The younger fellow saluted when his companion nudged him. When he nudged him harder, Silver stumbled and looked at him. “What did I do?” He whispered under his breath.

Dune just shook his head. “I apologize for Silver Storm, sir, he’s a new recruit.”

“Don’t worry about it. And please stop calling me sir, that feels super weird,” I requested.

“That would be against protocol, sir,” Dune informed me.

“Right. Well, Dune, Silver. Shall we get a move on?” I asked.

Dune Bug led the way and Silver stayed behind me. It wasn’t a very long walk, sadly, so I told some jokes. “So two guards walk into a bar. The third one ducks and says ‘I guess you guys set the bar pretty low’.” Silver chuckled until Dune whipped around and gave him a stern glare. Silver shut up and we started walking again. “So a man and a woman, or rather, a mare and a stallion are arguing on Hearts and Hooves Day. The stallion says that all he wants is for her to kiss his brown eye. She argues with him for a week that his eyes are blue for hours until she has to kiss arse.” Silver snickered again, but caught himself before Dune could give him another look. “So a stallion lives next to a lesbian couple. He’s been a great neighbour, so the mares next door offer to get him a Hearth’s Warming Day present, but they want to know what he wants. He tells them ‘I wanna watch,’ and so they get him one with a strap for the holiday. They never understood why he was disappointed.”

Dune was the one to snicker this time, but Silver dropped the ball entirely. He doubled over, holding his stomach and Dune circled back to tell him to straighten the ‘buck’ up. I took my chance while his back was turned to run, but I quickly found myself running up steps. I stopped and looked up those steps to see Luna.

“Oh bollock- Bonjour… Bluna, lover! Heard you wanted to talk to me, love, how’s it goin’?” I forced a smile.

Luna glared at me. “I can believe that you would be unwilling to have this talk, but I cannot believe that you would go so far as to run from one of my guards.”

“Oi! In my defence, I was on my way back here with two of your guards. Ask Silver Storm and Dune Bug, they’ll tell you I was complying.”

Just as I finished my sentence, the sound of two people running in armour echoed through the hall. Luna glared at me until Dune and Silver were kneeling in front of the dais. “Your Highness! We have failed you!” Dune called out.

“Look up, you foal,” The Princess of the night snarled.

Dune and Silver looked up and I waved at them. “Hello fellows.”

“Was Maximus complying when you were escorting him here?” Luna boomed.

Dune gulped. “Y-Yes, Your Majesty, he was. He was telling jokes up until he disappeared.”

“Which was totally your fault by the way. Shame on you for robbing these…” Luna rose from the throne and started coming toward me, her posture absolutely lethal. “Poor guys of uh, y’know…” Luna stood in front of me and swung a hand faster than my eyes could follow. My cheek blossomed in pain.

“Everypony in this room that isn’t a Princess or a Human leaves now!” Luna shouted. People scrambled to follow her orders and about ten seconds later, everyone was gone besides myself and Luna. Speaking of Luna, she was still glaring at me. “Now, are we going to-”

I swung my tentacle and slapped the shit out of her. “Who the fuck do you think you’re putting your goddamn hands on Luna? Be happy that I waited until the last of your staff got out of here to do that,” I snarled.

Luna rubbed her cheek and looked at me, her eyes wide. “The last seven times I have been slapped, they were all by Celestia over the course of two thousand years.”

“That’s because too many people are willing to put up with that shit. You already fucking know that I’m not one of them, so keep your fucking hands to yourself,” I shot back hotly.

“... I will keep that in mind. I apologize,” Luna said quietly.

“Apology accepted. I’m sorry for using telekinesis when you used your hand, but keep in mind that you’re a lot stronger than I am.”

“Apology accepted, I suppose. It’s easy to forget that an angry slap could end your life.” Luna stated. I forgot about that.

“Yeah, keep that in mind, please.”

Luna sighed. “You’re not getting out of this talk.”

And I’m not going into it. The talk was painful enough as it was. Tears were shed, a complete meltdown was had, and Luna eventually had to sedate me to get me to stop freaking the fuck out. I’m not proud of how I acted, but the deeper I went, the more I remembered and none of it was pleasant. If you absolutely must know what happened, kill yourself and move on to the next life, because there’s no way I’m telling anyone I don’t have to in this one. Reliving every fuckin’ moment word for word…

I didn’t need that.

… I need a break.

The morning came and I felt like absolute shit. I woke up in an unfamiliar room, disoriented and still half asleep, my muscles aching something fierce. I’d gone off the deep end the night before and I was suffering for it now. I dragged myself out of bed despite my soreness and got into the bathroom so I could do some dry heaving. The mirror told me that I looked every bit as bad as I felt, so I hopped in the bath and soaked for a while until some maid came in.

“Sir Maximus?” She asked from the door.

“Yeh?” I croaked from the tub.

“The Princesses sent me to collect you for lunch. Is there anything I can assist you with?” The maid asked kindly. “Maybe some hair of the dog that bit you?”

“Not a hangover,” I answered hoarsely. “Leave and I’ll get out.”

“Oh, I can help you!” She offered cheerfully.

I hit her with the darkest look I could conjure up. “Get the fuck out of here before I hurt you.”

She gulped and clasped her hands together. “A-Are you sure you don’t need anything? N-Nothing is too much to ask!” I looked at her and thought ‘goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway’. The maid seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable, though whether it was the fact that I was staring at her or the Dark Magic, I don’t know. “I-I’m just gonna…” She pointed behind her as she trailed off and literally ran out of the room. I sighed and started getting out of the tub, my muscles still sore from my bullshit despite the soak.

I didn’t have any other clothes with me, so I just put on the ones that I’d had on the day before because I didn’t want to go around naked. Once I got dressed and prepared, I went to open the door, only to find that there were four Day Guards standing there. “Can I help you?” I practically whispered. Fuck with me. I dare you to give me shit like usual, you fuckin’ cunt. I fuckin dare ya.

One of them stepped forward. “We’ve been sent to escort you to lunch, sir.” And none of you are gonna see that through, now are ya?

I staggered out of my room and started heading in the direction of the Dining Hall, doing my best to pump out as much Dark Magic as I possibly could. I had a vague idea of where it was focused (somewhere around my navel) so it was easier to draw on it than it had been before now that I knew what the sensation was and where I was pulling from. Even then, it was just incredibly intuitive to push people away with my vibe. The guards slowly but surely started giving me a wider birth until the point where they were dodging pieces of art on the sides of the halls and pillars. I didn’t let up since I didn’t want to be fucking bothered in the first place, and I knew that I was just being a dick at this point, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad. They might have just been doing their jobs, but I never told them to be fucking guards now, did I? If their day on the job was sucking because of me, then they should have picked a different career. Every day I went to work as an Operative was a bad day. They could spare a few minutes.

A guard (Not from my failed escort) went to announce my presence before I entered the Dining Hall, but I dragged him away from the door with telekinesis and opened it myself. His buddies crowded around him when I set him down, so I was able to enter the Dining Hall without any extra bullshit once inside, I slammed the door and trudged over to my usual spot, gingerly sitting my arse down without a word to Celestia or the servants in the room. One of the servants came over and tapped my shoulder.

“Sir? You’re supposed to-” The butler guy started.

“I was supposed fuckin’ what, mate? Tell me. Explain.” He gulped and backed away slowly. I turned to Celestia and asked, “Is this lunch or is this some bullshit that I’m not dealing with?”

Celestia sipped her drink and set it down calmly. “This is lunch, Max. Please do not intimidate my staff.”

“If they didn’t want to be told to fuck off, then they should stay the fuck. Away,” I growled. “Awful lot of ‘em got personal space issues.”

“I assure you that your attitude is completely unnecessary,” Celestia replied evenly.

“Then send me home if you don’t wanna fuckin’ deal with it.”

“I would, but we have something to discuss. Should this wait until later?” She asked.

“No shit.”

“... I was planning on scolding-” No you weren’t.

“Shut the fuck up already. I’m tired of looking at you,” I spat before getting up and leaving.

I immediately regretted being such a fuckin’ cunt since no one had given me a particularly good reason, but I was so exhausted and felt so… Hurt. Vulnerable and exposed. So bare that I just wasn’t willing to put up with the slightest amount of nonsense… Everything was getting to me from the brightness of the day to the smells in the halls to the sounds that never stopped echoing around me. After letting myself out of the dining room, I fucked off of the castle grounds and headed toward the train station until I was teleported back into the Court Hall. I stood face to chest with Celestia, so I took a step back.

“Are we gonna have a fuckin’ problem, love? Because we can have a fuckin’ problem.” I hissed. Just leave me alone, Celly… Please… I can’t.

Celestia glowered at me. “I’ll not have you acting like this in my own damned castle without an explanation. Luna told-” Celestia’s eyes widened. “Are you seriously using Dark Magic against me?” I’m sorry… I just wanna go home, Celestia…

“If you couldna fuckin’ told already, I ain’t in the fuckin’ mood,” Calm down, mate, it’s not her fault, “so shove yer rubbish up yer arse and leave me the BLOODY FUCK. ALONE!” I bellowed as loud as I could. It was barely above conversation volume, but my point got across. Look me in the eye and see what I see, Celestia. See where this is coming from. Help me… Please fucking help me...

Celestia just looked at me sadly. “I’ll see you soon, friend.” I’m so sorry… Please...

“Hold your breath, do us both a favour.” I snarled hatefully.

Celestia closed her eyes and snapped her fingers. I was standing in the middle of Twilight’s library for some odd reason. I was just about to leave when Twilight grabbed my hand with her magic and said, “Wait! Max, where are you going?”

I tried to snatch my hand away from her, but to no avail. “Home. Fuggoff,” I grunted roughly.

She took a good look at me and her heart broke on her sleeve. “... You’re not okay, and we don’t have to talk about it. I accept that. It’s okay, Max. Everything’s gonna be alright… Just…” Twilight took a shaky breath, every word calculated down to the amount of air needed to speak it. “I understand, Amour. I’m just here to help, and we don’t have to talk. Just please... Stay here with me, okay…? We can have tea, or- or I can pack a pipe…” The desperation in her voice ground the thorns deeper, tearing into flesh that had already been rent into tender fibres. “... Don’t do anything rash, Max… I’m here, right here, right now… ”

There was a silence while Twilight resisted tears as my own fell freely. “Twilight… Will you promise me something… I… I know it’s…”

“Anything within my power, I’ll do it, Amour. I swear.” There wasn’t even a hint of doubt in her voice.

“...Don’t betray me after this. Leave me, hurt me, hate me; Just don’t betray me. Don’t sell me out...” I begged quietly, tears streaming down my face. You’re the only one… The only one, Twilight. The only Pony that hasn’t stabbed me in the back or hated me. The only one to care from the beginning. The first to pay attention. The first to notice. The first to really trust me...

Twilight took both my hands and met my gaze, unwilling to let me feel more alone than I already had. “I swear that I will never willingly betray you Maximus. I can’t say that I won’t because I don’t know what that means to you, but I love you. I can’t make broad promises, but I can promise that I’ll support you as long as you believe what you’re doing is right. I promise that I’ll love you unconditionally, and I swear by the sun above us and the breath in my breast that I will never knowingly turn my back on you… I don’t know how I would live with myself if I did something and you suffered for it, Max... I’ll do my best to protect you, just like you would do for me, and though I may not live as long as you… I… I want you to remember me, Max. I want you to remember your days with me as some of the happiest in your life. Even if I know it’ll be hard near the end of my time, I truly do want to grow old with you, even if I have to share you with Fluttershy. I guess the girls will grow old together… and…” Tears streamed down her face as well as another worry for me crested.

My heart broke in half all over again.

I embraced Twilight and kissed her, and it felt…

Fuck… I’d kissed Twilight a hundred times before, but the tranquillity and compassion loaded into such soft, delicate lips was amplified a thousand times over in the light brushing of our lips. After having been stripped bare and left to piece myself back together... I felt like I was so safe and loved, cared for and seen… Being in Twilight’s arms was like being home for the first time after leaving for years. Like the love and attention of someone who only wanted to see me smile at the end of the day… The thought of losing the feeling that was spreading into every corner I’d tried hiding my feelings in made me want to cry, but the sheer elation I felt because I had it for the moment blew everything else out of the water.

It was a high like no other, and there wasn’t a shadow of a doubt in my mind that Luna and Noir essentially forcing me to talk about what happened was the right choice. After all, iIt had brought me into Twilight’s house at the perfect fuck mothering moment. This moment gave me fucks to give. It hit hard when I realized it, but the bandage had finally been ripped off of the festering wound. The infection had finally taken the first steps toward being treated. The stitches were out and the wound was cleaned, patched over again, and healed with a touch of magic to avoid falling to the same pain. The scar would form in time with care and attention, leaving me tougher for having weathered the storm. And… With Twilight on my six… Twilight, Applejack, Luna… And now even Noir had my back. I thought about them and my heart throbbed, letting me know that my gratitude wasn’t going to burn out. I wanted to live for them so I could make them proud. I wanted to keep going because the worst was behind me and there was more ahead on the journey. It wasn’t like I was magically okay or that it didn’t still hurt where I couldn’t see, but I had something to live for now. I was glad I couldn’t die, because that meant I could live on with Twilight no matter what. I’d have people with me that would know the struggle I’d eventually face and knew what I was going through at the moment as well.

As terribly mushy as that sounds… I needed it. I really did need it from the bottom of my heart, even if I didn’t want to accept it at first.

This sapfest has gone on long enough; moving on. Can’t be a scary, dashing rogue if you’re crying while writing.

We pulled away from each other at the same time, if that tells you how universally driven this shit was. I cleared Twilight’s tears and she wiped away mine, though I hadn’t realized that I’d been crying during the entire kiss. “I never noticed how dark your eyes were. It’s like looking at a forest when the clouds cover the sun...”

I felt a twinge behind my eye, which I assumed was Noir knocking about. “Twilight… I’m ready for the next step in our relationship, or… I’m ready to devote more time and attention to you. I love you, and-”

“M-Max, what- What about Fluttershy?”

“... I don’t love her the same way, Cherry. She’s lovely and sweet and amazing all her own, but… There’s never been a woman I’ve met that I’ve loved like you. That I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with…”

Twilight gave me a small, wobbly, watery smile. “... I want to spend the rest of mine with you too, Max… Are… I don’t mean to push you, but-”

“I’m ready to talk. About a lot of things, Twilight… I think there’s a lot I need you to know now.”

“Then why don’t we sit in the kitchen? Spike’s helping Apple Bloom with some Cutie Mark things today, so we’ll have time to ourselves.” Concern was still in her expression, but as for the other emotions? I didn’t know what they looked like.

I smiled warmly at my lover and gave her a kiss that wasn’t a peck by any means, but still didn’t last long enough for my taste. “Tea?”

“Tea.”

Twilight led the way, holding my hand as I just meandered about behind her, soaking in her presence and the relieved smile she flashed me after the tea had been set and boiled with magic. She added a little honey to help my throat and I started the conversation off with, “So…”

“Where do we start?” Cherry asked, a touch of nervousness in her voice.

“... I guess with Applejack killing me.”

“Apple-what?.”

“... Applejack killed me when she put me down after the picnic. I was dead on arrival at the hospital. I just can’t stay dead.”

“... Okay, I’m… I’m gonna go get a bowl.”

“A little much?”

“... Max…”

“I still love her, Twilight, and I’ve known for a while. It just doesn’t matter. I forgave her when I shouldn’t have even had the chance to do so, thus I take my blessings where they come. There’s no point in being too broken up about it, and Applejack is still Applejack. Don’t tell her, Twilight. She’d be absolutely crushed.”

“... That’s a logical way of looking at things, if not a little clinical… It’s kind of you to hide the truth… There’s nothing else to say about that specifically.”

I shrugged. “Bowl?”

She nodded and went to go do the thing she said she was going to do because she said that she was going to do it. That, or my reminder for her to go and prepare herself a little better for the talk had landed just fine. While she was doing that, I leaned back in my chair and prepared to dive. Three deep breaths later I was in my mindscape, standing in the middle of my old hangout with Maxwell. It was littered with snacks and various game systems. We’d been squatting in the house ever since the landlord died and no one had ever cut off the heat or the electricity, so it was a safe place for the six months that we spent there. Our old hammock stands were still in the middle of the living room, along with the TV and game systems we’d stolen. All were hooked up, and some were on. Noir was sitting in front of said TV playing Borderlands 2, a game that Maxwell and I had beaten the ever loving shit out of on eight different occasions with all but one of the DLC bullshits. Wish I could’ve seen Borderlands 3, but it is what it is. Thankfully we could steal wi-fi from the neighbours during the hours we were actually awake after we’d snuck into their house and had a look at the password. We’d had a pretty sweet setup, come to think of it.

I sat down next to Noir and conjured up a controller. “Seriously, how is this happening?”

Noir paused the game and gave me a warm smile before pulling me in for a hug. “Simply blame magic as you always do when you don’t understand something. You can play the game almost without fault since your mind is attuned to the mechanics, but there are limitations to what you can do. You can play somewhat freely, but I have not figured out how to fill in the blanks of the video game yet. Soon enough, I will be able to create my own that you can play or add missions to the ones you know.”

“Holy shit, are you serious? Can we really play video games in here?” I asked, ecstatic.

The TV, consoles, and controllers all disappeared and Noir gave me a disappointed look. “I did not take you for one so gullible.”

“... That was cruel. That was so… So, unnecessarily cruel.”

The things reappeared and Noir unpaused the game. “How would you phrase it? I’m simply ‘fucking with you, mate’,” She said like a fuckin’ Brit, which was surprisingly natural coming from her.

“I both hate you and the fact that you’re mocking me so well.” I gave her a look.

“Pip pip, cheerio!”

“I fucking hate you.”

Noir laughed and handed me the controller. “Give it an hour and see how you feel. Well, come back later when you have more time.”

“Since when did you get all whimsical and shit?” I asked petulantly. I hated playing as Axton.

“Since you became prepared to take an arrow to the knee,” Noir squeezed me as I resisted the urge to mob her gob. “I’m so proud of you for deciding to share your heart with Twilight!”

I paused and hugged her back since I doubted that she was letting go without it. “Thanks, Noir, I appreciate you and your genuine happiness,” I sighed. “... I can meditate again later or something and we can play more shooty-mcface. I know you want to talk.”

Noir beamed and we appeared in a sitting room in the old castle. I just knew that it was one, not which room specifically. “I was hoping that you would be receptive! How does it feel?” She asked eagerly.

I conjured up a cup of cocoa for her and some coffee for myself. It was less Joe and more Josephine, but I wanted something blond and sweet to remind me of my sweet. After my first sip, I realized that Twilight drank it about as dark as I did these days, so I switched to Joe and took another sip. There we go. “It feels incredible. It’s like I just figured out what I want, and not on a short term scale like dying. I want to be with Twilight. Hell, I want to be with her right now, but I know I’ve got to give my body a break at some point. Sleeping last night was hellish anyway.”

Noir sipped her cocoa and smiled. “This is good, and I hope that your night terrors will abate completely, if not be lessened noticeably. The drink is lovely as well, though I must say that I find your love for Twilight incredibly appeasing. It’s nice to know that you finally have a healthy romantic relationship that doesn’t revolve around sex or manipulation. I am also glad that I told Luna to expect a psychotic episode.”

“So am I. I just wish that she would have sedated me sooner. How do I remember that, anyway?”

“I can help your memory fill in some blanks. You could most likely recall any conversation you have had since you have been to Equestria if you want to add more detail to your journals.”

“Eh, I’ll think about it. Unless I’m really struggling to remember something, don’t plug it in. It feels kinda like cheating.”

“But?” She asked.

“Well, I like playing to win, but I add as much detail as I want into my journals already.”

She scoffed. “I would ask why you are lazy, but that is not apt for yourself.”

I shook my head at her. “So how did you know that having Luna make Celestia talk to me the morning after that shite-show was going to get me sent to Twilight’s so I could fall face first into serious love?”

“I did not orchestrate any of that. I knew that having Celestia talk to you would be the right decision, but I did not realize that you would lash out as you did. I forgot to take into account your hatred of feeling weak, and I apologize for it.”

“Forgiven. It worked out for the best in the end. At least when you make mistakes, good shit happens,” I said flatly. “So what would talking to Celestia accomplish?”

“I thought you loved her more than you do. Another miscalculation on my part. I have learned from my mistakes, however.”

I raised my brow and pursed my lips. “Yeah, it gets a little harder to love someone after they pound your arse with that betrayal hammer.”

“You nearly fell for it anyway. At least you know the warning signs of disingenuous love now,” Noir stated.

“So do you think Celestia actually can love me, or do I need to shut that down?”

“Celestia does love you, she is just a warped individual. It will take time for her to be worthy of your love and time for you to grow even more accustomed to her ways. For an average man, seventy-five years would be adequate to scratch the surface.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me. I should be more shy of giving her another shot, but I know Twilight’s going to scorn the fuck out of her as it is. What do you think Celestia is going to do when she finds out?”

“All I can say is that you should keep Twilight quiet for the time being. She will most likely cease her correspondence with Celestia immediately, so expect her within the week.”

“Right. Do you think I should be coming clean entirely to Twilight?”

Noir gave me a warm smile, but didn’t give me an answer. I was about to ask what the deal was when I felt something on my shoulder. I looked over and saw nothing, so I looked back to Noir for an answer. She waved to me and I felt my eyes begin to close. When I opened them again, I was looking at Twilight, feeling considerably better than I had when I woke up.“Hullo Cherry. How are you?” I asked.

Twilight smiled. “You already sound better! The tea is cool enough to drink now. I wanted to wait until you came out of… Your trance, I guess. I would have waited longer, but it’s already past noon, and Spike’s never said when he’d be back.”

“It’s fine, I was just finishing up a conversation anyway. Where did we leave off on the secrets?”

Twilight sat next to me as she grimaced. “You were just telling me about how Applejack really did…” She took a deep breath. “... How she was right in the first place.”

“Damn. Right. So sometime after that, I got sent on my first mission to Gryphonia. I think that was just before I came back to Ponyville, actually, so I was a little fucked in the head when I came back. While in Gryphonia, Celestia and Luna wanted me to steal something called the Diadem of Sovereignty, so I did that, but I ended up killing like, seven people while I was there in a street fight.”

“I remember that! You told us that when you gathered us up after forgiving Applejack for… Well, not almost killing you.” Don’t get stuck on it, Cherry.

“Yeah. So let’s see… After that, there was the time I killed like, fifty-something Kobolds. Fuck those guys in all seriousness. I’d feel bad for the genocide, but they’re necrophiles and that shit’s a bad bad.”

Twilight turned a little green. “Does that word mean what I think it means?”

“Sadly, yes. Which is why I killed a lot of them,” I answered matter of factly.

“Okay. Go on.” Her eyes were wide and she looked shell-shocked.

“There was the second time I died,” pain lanced through my chest, “and someone’s telling me that I’m not allowed to talk to you about that, so we’re going to skip it. You know the important stuff anyways.”

“Who’s telling you not to talk?” Twilight asked.

I looked up and waited. “Apparently,” There was the pain, “nevermind. Can’t say,” I gasped.

She looked worried, but I assured her that I would be fine. “Alright… So what else is there?”

“The second time I went to Gryphonia, I got that weird scar you always talk about. It actually spells out ‘Kingslayer’.” I pushed my sleeve up to show her.

“Oh! I knew that couldn’t be a natural scar, but why do you have it?”

I gave her a look. “I killed Adolf, the Gryphon King. I put his wife, Elfriede in power, and I may or may not have slept with her.”

“... When?”

“After I-”

“Maximus Ignatius! You have to be joking!”

I shrugged. “Gryphons are unnaturally tight and Elfriede likes snarky arseholes. We hate each other, but it’s a friendly hatred.”

“... Your life is weird… Does she… Does she know?”

“She literally caught me maybe two minutes after I poisoned him. She herself finished him off.”

“... That does not sound like it was a healthy marriage.”

“Well, he beat and raped her so, no. Not really.”

“... I love you.”

“I love you more, and it seems like a good time for tea.”

“Sounds good to me.” Twilight rubbed her temple and sighed. She grabbed her tea and I followed suit. It had gotten cold, but it wasn’t like it was terrible. Twilight laid her hand on my shoulder and I felt my heart skip a beat. “You know, I never realized just how much you carry on your back, but there’s still even more to come, isn’t there.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to add in that Rarity kinda sorta raped me.”

Twilight gasped “Rarity…?”

“The details are muddy, but she meant to do it at least once. Her estrus used to be pretty bad, from what Celestia told me.”

“So why hasn’t Rarity said anything about it? I can guess why you haven’t, but not her. I thought guilt would be eating her up if that was the case.”

“I’ll get to why I’m the only one who even knows in a little bit. More processing time?”

“Definitely.”

“Living room?”

“Sounds good.” She offered me a more reserved smile than she had so far as we got up and alighted to the couch in the library.

I laid my cheek against Twilight’s head and waited patiently for her to collect her thoughts. I sipped the tea some more since we’d gone through the trouble of making it in the first place and wondered what Noir was doing. I figured she was probably beating the shit out of The Warrior by now since she’d made so much progress when I’d last seen her. From what I’d seen, Noir was a natural with video games, though I suspected that she had borrowed some of my previous prowess or just had a knack for it. While I was thinking about firing round after round into Midgemongs face, Twilight lifted her head.

“Max, why were you so torn up when you came over? And why did you try to leave?”

“I’ll save that for the end since that’s the most painful thing to talk about. Why don’t we move on to Celestia screwing with our memories on multiple occasions? That’s why I’m the only one who knows that Applejack and Rarity have done some serious shit to me. When I told you girls about how I was actually Roxy the entire time, I mentioned that Celestia had turned me into a woman as a punishment and you did something that made her come through and start wiping minds. I caught her before she could get to me, which is when we broke up and that’s the real reason why we broke up. Celestia’s dark in ways that even I can’t fathom, but she’s trying to change, so withhold judgement on her for the time being, and don’t do anything that would tell her that you know. I don’t want to have to kill Celestia for messing with you again.”

“... You’re saying that the Princess, as in my mentor, confidant, and Godmother, Celestia of Equestria, did all that?” Twilight asked softly.

I threw an arm around her and hugged her. “She’s not all bad, love. Remember the caring, thoughtful teacher you grew up with. That’s Celestia too. She fucked up big time, but she’s got to run a country, Twilight, and that’s not a job you can do with your hands clean.”

Twilight buried her head in her hands. “Oh my gosh… My teacher uses forbidden magic like it’s a fucking levitation spell!”

“Oh dear, bad words. Someone’s still upset.”

“How could I not be, Max!? How could Celestia do that to you and how could you forgive her!?”

I took Twilight’s chin in my hand and turned her face towards me. I wiped away her tears and looked into her eyes. “Twilight, you and the girls taught me that holding onto my anger kills me and the ones close to me. That’s why I even bother to forgive people, Cherry, because you showed me that holding something against someone when they’re sincerely apologetic is just stubborn and foolhardy. Celestia is truly trying to change-”

“Max, the mare I’ve looked up to all my life has used forbidden magic against me, my friends, and you… I don’t see how you expect me to let something like that go.”

“I don’t, not right now. I’m hoping that I can dissuade you from teleporting into the castle and getting trouble started.”

Twilight glared, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me. “I have half a mind to, but since you asked me to stay put…”

I gave her a kiss that I may have extended a bit longer than necessary. I’d been honest before when I’d said that they were addicting. When we parted, I said, “Thank you, Cherry. It means a lot to me, and look at it this way; The longer you stay here with me, the more of my icky secrets and sweet kisses you can have, not necessarily in that order.”

“She’s not getting another letter from me anytime soon, and...” Twilight let out a breath and gave me a rueful smile. “Max… Your life is enough to drive anypony crazy. Between the Elements, Ponyville itself, and the crazy stuff you do when you’re not in my arms or in my sight…”

“I know, but living the life I do brought me to you and you’ve been there pretty much every step of the way. I wouldn’t trade this for the world, Twilight.”

“And that just makes me that much more upset with Celestia…”

“I understand, but… If you feel like she wants to talk and you don’t think you can handle it without making things dangerous, then I want you to come to me. I swear, I’ll take care of everything.”

Twilight took my hand in hers and held it firmly. “I will… I trust you, Max, even if it’s something I’d rather tackle on my own.”

From there, I moved on to the fun part, explaining everything that had happened last night. I’d come clean to Twilight about my total kill count, suicide attempts, and self harming, and I hated to see the pain that I put her through. A slightly sick part of me revelled in the fact that she was grieving for me, but I chalked that up to love being fucked up sometimes. Once she’d stopped crying about the things I’d told her, I launched into an abridged, much less detailed version of what happened with Chief Graham. After a lot more crying on both of our parts, Spike came home and found us bawling our fucking eyes out.

He went back outside.

I noticed and laughed at that until Twilight asked me what I was laughing about. I told her and she got a few giggles out of that, though she was still disturbed by what I’d told her. She wanted to help me process it some more, but I told her that the fact that I didn’t lose my shit when I told her about it meant that I was already making progress from last night. Once we were done going through my stash of things I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, it was dark and Spike came back. I had him send a letter to Celestia for me and bid Twilight goodnight. She asked me to stay with her, but I told her that I was going to go grab some clothes and whatnot since I’d worn the same set two days in a row. I made the walk back to my house nice and quick, though Celestia was already there, waiting for me.

“First things first: I apologize for being such a rotten prick earlier. I was unnecessarily cruel and quite the bastard, but I would like to say-”

Celestia held her hand up. “Luna explained everything to me over dinner. I don’t know why she didn’t do so earlier, but it’s done now. You’re forgiven, Max, though I’m still upset about your self-harming.”

“It’s not happening again, so don’t worry about it. If Twilight ever found out I was doing it again, she said she’d avoid me for a month and I’m not willing to deal with that.”

Celestia raised a brow. “Surely Fluttershy and your friends would also object?”

“I’m sure they would if they knew, but I’m not telling them anytime soon. I pick Twilight.”

She blinked. “What do you mean you pick Twilight?”

“I mean that she’s the one I need. If I lose Twilight, there isn’t a tomorrow. She is my reason to be here right now.”

There was pain in Celestia’s eyes, though it all but vanished within an instant. “I’m so happy for you, Max! Tell Twilight that I wish the two of you the best of luck.”

“Yeah, I’d love to, but she hates you.” I said simply.

The pain turned from a jealous smouldering to a blank fury waiting to be introduced to the fire. “... You didn’t.”

“I have no secrets from Twilight. She’s not going to come after you or say anything, but she knows.”

Celestia turned around and screamed, pulling at her hair with some ferocity. After a good, long go at it, she composed herself and turned back to face me. “I guess I’ll have to trust your judgement, won’t I?” She replied through a tight smile.

“You don’t have to maintain a facade, Celestia. Just be upset.”

“Oh, buddy, you don’t know how badly I want to send you to the bucking Moon right now. It would take five seconds, if that,” Celestia chuckled, continuing on for a while.

Don’t act worried and she probably won’t hit you. I crossed my arms and gave her a warm smile. “You really are trying to change. I’m proud of you, Hun. I really, truly am.”

Celestia stopped laughing and the energy seemed to drain from her body. She sat down in my easy chair, so I pulled the lounge chair up next to her and had a seat. “You know that you vex me to no end, right?” She asked flatly.

“It’s a part of the charm,” I replied casually, thanking God for the silver in my tongue.

She gave me a look and sighed. “I was rather fond of Twilight… I handcrafted the image she held of me…”

“She will forgive you in time, I just suggest that you wait a little while. And if you go to see her and she teleports away, just come find me in like, five minutes. I’ll talk to her and see if I can get her to be more reasonable.”

“Ugh, maintaining and rebuilding relationships was so much easier when I just allowed myself to delve into someone’s mind.”

I patted her shoulder. “But delving into people’s minds against their will is a big no-no, right?”

“Right. Are you sure I can’t, just this once?” She asked, only half-joking.

“I’m sure, and all jokes aside, I would probably come for you if I found out.”

“Noted. I’ll make sure to keep things natural between Twilight and I,” Celestia promised.

“I’ll hold you to that.” I told her.

“Of course. Is there any other horrible, relationship ruining news you have for me?”

“Well, only if you consider the fact that I don’t want to leave Twilight when her time is on the horizon. It’s more like sticking to the timeline I originally set for us, anyways, even if I don’t think it’ll take as long as we thought.”

Celestia snapped lazily. “Damn, I knew I wasn’t going to get away with fifty. What happens if Twilight lives longer than expected because of your semen or something?”

“Then I pump her full of it and we see how long she can keep it inside. Or we see how much we can swallow, I’m honestly down for both.”

“You’re a vulgar man at times, but at least you find your love sexually attractive. That fades in some relationships, but for some reason, I doubt it will with Twilight.” Devious? Devilish? Foreboding? I pick D; All of the above. “Have you seen her mother? Velvet is still a beautiful woman at her age.” Oh, quit with the sneaky shite.

“Once upon a time, I thought about charming her. Then I realized that would be absolutely terrible for the family dynamic if I was the brother-son-stepdad.”

“What if you were the sister-daughter-stepmom? Night Light isn’t exactly hard on the eyes and Shining is quite handsome.”

“Night Light is a pool shark and Shining Armour has a pole rammed up his rear at most given times. I’m good,” I protested.

“What does Night Light being good at pool have to do with anything?” Celestia asked.

“Nothing really, I’m just upset about our last game. The fucker jumped three balls in a row and sank every shot just because he could!”

“Get good.”

“Fuck you so much right now.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, I- Wait, what the Hell!?”

“What? I’m just giving you advice and asking if you’re upset,” Celestia replied simply.

“Right. Fucking Ponies.”

“What did we do?” She asked.

“You made my life complicated as fuck, and now you’re memeing all over my back like I’m some cheap hooker that you caught hanging around outside a seedy pub.”

“... What?”

“Don’t think about it too hard, you might get a headache. I’ve got to grab some clothes and get to Twilight. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” I asked politely.

She looked at the ceiling for a minute before turning to me and asking,“... Why did you tell Luna, but not me?”

“Because Noir, my half of Nightmare Moon, told Luna without my permission. I tried to dodge the conversation for as long as I could, but Luna teleported me into the throne room after I tried to give some more of her guards the slip,” I explained.

“Oh. I actually feel better now that I know that. You wouldn’t have said a word unless you were forced to.”

“Fucking rad, dude. Totally tubular.”

“Disgusting. That is disgusting language and I refuse to listen for a second longer. Goodbye, you fiend,” Celestia snarled playfully.

“Bye bye darling, until we meet once more,” I replied theatrically.

I saw her eyes roll before she teleported away. I shrugged and decided to get a move on, so I headed upstairs and got the necessary shit done. Once I grabbed a shower, I grabbed my crap and tried to dry my hair as much as possible so it wouldn’t freeze on the way to Twilight’s. Honestly, I needed to cut it since it was shoulder-length at this point, but there wasn’t a barber open at the moment so it would have to wait until tomorrow. I usually just kept it in a ponytail, thus I decided to solve the majority of the problem by gathering up all of my hair and slicing it off with The Warbling Blade. For some reason my knife felt rather odd in my hand, so I tried putting it down and picking it up again. The tingling sensation persisted, and I remembered what Noir and Luna had said about catalysts for my magic, so I tried pulling some from my reservoir and pushing it into the blade. It seemed like it was chock-full of some kind of magic in any case, so I didn’t feel odd about experimenting with it. There wasn’t an aura, but the blade grew narrower, almost as if it were a stiletto. I waved it around in the air and noticed that I left little blue lines in the air, so I poked one of the lines and was blown back onto the ground by the force of the gust.

I decided not to try that again in favour of focusing the Dark Magic around the blade instead of in it and it broadened past its normal size, forming something like a small kukri. It was an odd little thing, so I assumed that it was the form that suited the intimidation aura. I let my magic draw back into me and placed the blade back in its sheath.

I had me a catalyst, magic to use with it, and a sexy nerd to help me learn how to keep the power under control. Life may have just fucked me in the arse, but it was already looking up.

Author's Notes:

Alright, I don't wanna talk about how long it took to release this, but I will get into the patch notes here shortly.
...
As in like right about now. Patch Notes; Go!

In the original, Heart's and Hooves Day consisted of three dates. Now it does not Max's relationship with the Apples as a whole is expounded upon and the current state of that pesky little flame with AJ is touched onMild tone shift in the Heart's and Hooves Day scene with Twilight, fun trivia stuff and little jibes added in for extra sweetness and chucklesAltered Max's venom trip, shortened it slightly and further developed his relationships with the PrincessesDeepened Max's talk with Spike; Little Dragon asks significantly tougher questions.Shifted the tones of Max's initial conversation with Celestia (After Learning about the Dark Magic) Altered the tone of Luna confronting Max about self-harm, changed the message he got from her wordsNoir! Also, Noir is a little more... Informative with Max while he tries to figure out how he feels about herAftermath talk with Twilight altered; Similar tone, similar message, different diction.Few major changes til the end of the story; Changes in diction or word choice and overall tone in correspondance

So a few big changes, a good number of smaller details altered to fix plotholes from the OG.
As Always, Stay Cool. Kids