Hello everypony, it is your sexy Sun Goddess again and do I have a surprise for you. All of you have been extremely well behaved. You all have worshiped me the way the law mandates, you've paid your taxes and I have been scanning the nation's newspapers and there are plenty of letters to the editor praising me and saying how great I am. Even better, not a single pony has written in anywhere and bitched or complained about anything that either Luna or my self has done. Cadence wasn't so lucky but who gives a shit about her, it's not like she has any role in Equestria except being an occasional bootie call for me. Because of all this, I will give you my synopsis of "The Cutie Re-Mark Part 1." As an added reward, I'll give you my synopsis of the second part as well.

I'm going to start out by saying what an incredibly wonderful mood I'm in. Guess what, my Twily is up here in Canterlot to give a speech to my school of gifted unicorns. I'm so proud, my girl not only did what it took to be a princess but now she is giving a speech to other unicorns, some of which are very good in the bedroom! Well she is practicing and despite him being bored as hell, Spike is listening to her. Well she stops for a minute and has to look at a card. Poor Spike, Twilight won't stop with this until everything is perfect. It is just like she is in the bedroom, everything must be perfect!

Now for what they couldn't show. Twilight's speech wasn't until the next day so the night before I led her into my sleeping chambers to calm her nerves. The poor thing was so nervous but after our night of fun, a bit of sleep and a good breakfast, she was as good as new. After all, if she were to screw up or have to look at one of her cards during this speech, it would make ME look bad. It would make me look like I promoted a pony to being a princess before they were ready and I certainly can't have anypony thinking that.

The time has come for Twilight's speech so I will have to do the invisibility and teleport spell into the auditorium to keep an eye on her. She starts out quite well, but Spike on the other hoof, has fallen asleep! There in the front row is the most studious student I have ever had, Moondancer. She is dutifully taking notes and does Twilight a favor by waking her glorified pet up so he can change the slide.

Suddenly Twilight is distracted by something and while I'm concerned as to what would cause her to lose her focus, I'm also curious as to what it is. Wait a minute, is that Starlight Glimmer in the audience? I would have sworn that she died in those caves after she was ran out of Our Town. Another thing I'd like to know is how did she get into this speech because it is only for my students and ponies were required to show their student IDs to get in. Well she is good with magic so she probably cast an invisibility spell and got in.

Now my Twily is all frazzled and will likely need comforting later on. Suddenly Starlight is gone and Twilight loses her focus, again! I don't care if she did see a pony she really didn't want to see again, I'm still going to punish her after this speech is over. Nopony, especially one that I groomed for things like this is going to screw up and get away with it. The only way I would have let it slide was if it had been Tirek that she saw but fortunately for Equestria, he is back in Tartarus and Cerberus hasn't left his post again. If he ever does I'll haul his ass to the vet and have him neutered without sedation.

Well the rest of Twilight's speech went by just fine but she still seemed a bit nervous. I am not a happy princess though because she was supposed to come to the castle to see me before she headed home but she just headed to the train station. I was still invisible so I figured I may as well go with her and once she gets back in her castle, I will punish her severely for this! After all, it is not wise for one of my lovelies to leave town and not say goodbye to me.

Once the three of us got to Ponyville I followed her and Spike back to her castle and couldn't help but laugh a little. She is worried that Starlight is coming back for revenge! Yeah right, as I was headed to the train station I saw her in Donut Joe's feasting on a platter of donuts. She may have just wanted to see a bit of Twilight but chances are her appetite won out in the end. I'm not worried one bit. Don't worry Twily, everything is going to be just fine and tonight will be fun.

Once we get back into the castle and head into the throne room, I am shocked. There is Starlight Glimmer, sitting on Fluttershy's throne. Am I mad at her right now? Yes but it is not for breaking an entering, it is for sitting on my sexy Fluttershy's throne. Now this should be interesting. I know Twilight must not have a good lock spell for her door since Starlight got in and what is about to happen next will be downright terrifying.

Twilight goes off on Starlight wondering why she is there and of course Starlight went on her rant. Now for the scary part. Starlight fired some energy at a scroll and then at Twilight's magical map that takes her away from me at times. I'm looking hard and holy shit, she has altered Starswirl's time spell! What is even worse is that a vortex has opened and she is going to go through it. I must say wow though. Starlight can fly with just her magic! I don't know where or when she's going but I think I'll join her. I'm curious as to whether this will screw things up for me.

Luckily she didn't notice that I was by her side and I'm going to be honest, I think she is an idiot for leaving that scroll behind but perhaps she simply won't need it anymore. After her taunting Twily a little more she, along with myself, fly through that portal. Where and when we went to would scare me a bit. We wound up in Cloudsdale, years and years ago! Starswirl could only go back a week and that was only for a few minutes! I have a feeling that Starlight has done something to where she can hang around as long as she wants. Now I have no clue what is going on with Twily since I am in the past but I'll find out soon enough.

A couple minutes later my Twily and Spike come through a similar portal. Now I can't help but wonder, what the hell is going on? Why would Starlight come here and why would she leave the scroll so Twily could do the same? Does she plan on doing something that will make Twilight all grumpy and be in need of comfort? I hope so because I've always wanted to have fun with her in the clouds.

Now this looks kind of strange yet perfectly normal for young pegasi. It is flight camp and Rainbow races by. Damn, that spell of Starlight's must be better than even I thought as she has taken us back DECADES! If I can ever get her to calm the hell down perhaps I will make her a time princess, maybe not though because then she'd probably travel back a couple of millennia and prevent my sister and I from ever taking power here. An Equestria ruled by a princess, I mean Premier Starlight Glimmer would not be a very pleasant place. She'd probably give Sombra a run for his money when it comes to brutality and enslave everypony.

Ok, back to the episode. Twilight is very observant, yes Rainbow does look young and has no cutie mark because she hasn't earned it yet. I look off in the distance and ugh, there are those disgusting colts giving filly Fluttershy such a hard time. If I didn't think it would destroy the time continuum I would go over there and kill the little bastards. After all, bullying is a very serious crime. Bullies are dealt with harshly and given that they are hurting Fluttershy's feelings, the only punishment that would suffice is death.

Now Rainbow has decided to race the bullies to defend Fluttershy's honor. The race starts off and is going as I expected, Rainbow putting those little morons in their place until Starlight levitates out of a cloud. What the hell? She can walk on clouds like a pegasus too? Just how powerful is she and where did she learn all this magic? I just hope she doesn't try to depose me someday.

There is Rainbow just about to break the sound barrier when Starlight grabs her in her aura and stops her dead in her tracks. Shit, the idiot with the basketball cutie mark won and even worse, without that rainboom, the mane six won't get their cutie marks and they will never meet. Great, just great, now Applejack won't be able to make fritters, Fluttershy and Twilight will never please me in the bedroom, Rarity will never learn to make slutty outfits, Rainbow will never become a narcissistic bitch and Pinkamena is going to become a serial killer. Oh, and I almost forgot, there will be nopony to save Equestria from Nightmare Moon or any other villain for that matter.

Well it looks like Starlight is going to be victorious as a time portal opens again. I really wanted to stay behind and punish Starlight for taking my slaves away from me but I have a synopsis to give so I have to follow Twilight instead. What she returns to does not impress me. Her castle is gone, completely gone! Damn and I really enjoyed having fun with her in there too. I don't know how though, that map thing and pieces of their thrones remain. Epic fail on the part of the writers. In this timeline, Twilight never got her mark, never became my student, never became a princess and never got a castle so that thing should have never come to be.

Now they are trying to figure out where, or should I say when they are. Finally Twilight realizes how much better Starlight is at magic than her but is bound and determined to figure out what happened here. One troublesome bit of information, now the Crystal Empire takes up half the map! What the hell is up with that? Ok, they go into Ponyville but the place looks deserted. This certainly can't be good and when Spike discovers that Rarity's wannabe lingerie shop is boarded up, he acts like the world has come to an end. I do have some advice for Golden Harvest though, leave that dangerous place, go to a big city and contribute to this new society.

Ok Twilight, Ponyville is a total loss but you don't think Sweet Apple Acres could ever change. Are you stupid or something, the whole town goes to hell so I would think the apple farm would be deserted too. Fortunately for Equestria though, that is not the case. The bad thing, it has turned into a factory farm. I don't like this because it looks like all there is there are Big Mac and Applejack, who must have eventually decided to get her ass home. No Granny Smith and no Apple Bloom? I have a feeling that Granny likely passed away much sooner here and who knows what happened to Apple Bloom. Maybe she killed somepony hoping she could get her cutie mark for it and is locked away in Tartarus.

After some spying Twilight finally confronts a much different Applejack, an Applejack who seems much more rude than the cheerful pony I know so well. Now Twilight is showing an epic stupid moment. She thinks that this Applejack is going to know her and see her as a friend! What an idiot, she should know that in this timeline everything is different, especially her fate. I'll give you a clue about this timeline, she wound up falling prey to Timberwolves after running away from home after failing her attempt to hatch Spike. Perhaps the me of this timeline should have at least let her become a maid and once she matured, took her in as a servant with benefits!

Alright, back to Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight sees the place has smokestacks now. Yep, like I said it is a factory farm where they process and can the apples they harvest. Now why this is the case is beyond me but I'm assuming that it has to be because something really, really bad has happened. Now Twilight is bugging Applejack, maybe I can find out what the hell happened.

Also like I said before, Twilight is trying to convince Applejack that they are friends. Look Twily, Applejack is tired, angry over whatever has happened and needs to get back to work. The way things are going here it seems like Applejack thinks Twilight is an idiot who hit her head on a crate of cider. Well she didn't hit her head on a crate of cider but she has hit her head on plenty of other things, especially large, sexy white buns at times!

Finally Twilight gets Applejack to follow her over to that map thing and what surprises me is that Applejack has never seen that thing. Seriously, something this out of place is something you've never seen? Another epic fail on the part of the writers. I almost wonder if that damn thing doesn't just show up wherever my Twily goes to suit what the writers needed.

Now about the story of what happened. Damn it! The Crystal Empire returns and so does Sombra. This is all Starlight's fault! If she would have just let Rainbow become a self-absorbed narcissistic bitch as a filly everything would be fine, but it isn't! So Equestria is now at war against Sombra and his crystal slaves. I don't know what those weird masks are that he puts his slaves in but they look really bad ass. Maybe I should have some made for the royal guard assuming that the time continuum is ever restored to normal.

Now I know where the me in this timeline is, I am out fighting along with the rest of the troops. What has happened to other ponies? Rarity is working in a factory in Manehattan, Fluttershy is shearing sheep to make uniforms and Rainbow and Pinkamena are soldiers. Of course Applejack is running the factory farm and like I said earlier, Twilight ran away from home and was eaten by timberwolves. What a truly awful place Equestria has become. I do hope that my Twily can find a way back into the past and stop this horrible fate.

After finishing her conversation with Applejack she goes to do just that. Luckily she realizes she can go anywhere and any time she wants so she decides to travel back to Cloudsdale just a bit sooner than Starlight did to catch her off guard. Well I better go join them as they are about to get sucked back into the past. I do want to see what happens after all.

Well she casts the spell and we are returned to Cloudsdale on the day of Rainbow's race. Unfortunately, as soon as we returned Starlight imprisons my Twily and Spike in a giant crystal. Luckily I was not detected because it would have ruined everything had I got stuck in that crystal too. Starlight would have known I was there, she would have done something to all three of us and that would mean I'd never have lavender icing again, which would be horrible!

Now I'm watching this wanting to intervene so badly but another part of me just wants to let things play out, and that is what I choose to do. I choose to be a casual observer, besides Twilight is resilient and will probably find a way out of this mess. Now the crystal Twily is stuck in is beginning to sag through the clouds and Starlight begins to go on a rant about how Twilight took her town away from me. You know, if Starlight was to manipulate time just right, she might have a whole lot more than a shitty town in the middle of nowhere to rule over. I hope not because under her communist dictatorship, Equestria would fall. Like I said at the start of season 5, look at Neigth Korea, it is proof that communism is nothing but a failure.

Well she kicks the crystal through the clouds and shit, it looks like my Twily and Spike are going to fall to their doom! Twilight will be killed, Starlight will stop the rainboom and we will return to a present where SHE is ruling with an iron hoof. I can only imagine what an awful time that would be. Dissenters would either be executed, put into slave labor camps or have their cutie marks stolen and left for dead in the middle of nowhere.

Luckily for me though Twilight is able to break her and Spike out of that gem and return up to Cloudsdale. Now to find Starlight. Holy shit, she is going to stop the race altogether. She has got the bullies to not only stop bullying Fluttershy but now they are even going to help her learn to fly better. I will admit, a world where nopony bullies anypony else would be nice, this simply can't be the case here! The whole future depends on that race and now it won't happen so now Twilight has decided that Rainbow will have to create that Rainboom another way.

Now this next moment may look Twilight look like a bitch because she is trying to encourage the bullies to continue making Fluttershy feel bad. How dare she! I know it is important to restore order but still, she is encouraging them bullying others and even if the timeline is restored to normal, they'll still continue to bully other ponies. They'll even continue to bully Rainbow and Fluttershy in a normal present. I think I will punish her if things are ever restored to normal.

Ok, now this is awkward. My Twily finds Rainbow flying around and is now challenging her to a race! What a moron, despite her just being a filly I'm sure she'd still mop the skies with you Twilight. Rainbow however doesn't feel that way and says it wouldn't be fair racing against an Alicorn. Rainbow Dash, didn't your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers? For all you know, Twilight could be a serial killer. She could abduct you, haul you off to some secret location and kill you. Yes this rainboom is vital for the future but still, fillies shouldn't be talking to strangers.

Well after Twilight asks Rainbow to do what is thought to be impossible, she simply tells Twilight to get lost and flies away. Now the portal opens again and I must join Twilight to return to the present. I have a rather bad feeling that things won't be much, if any, better this time. Hell it could be worse for all I know.

Oh boy, now we have returned to a world where a forest has consumed a large part of Equestria and we are suddenly surrounded by very unpleasant ponies with spears! What the hell is going on? Even Pinkie and my sexy Fluttershy are going to kill Twily and Spike with their spears. I never knew Fluttershy could ever be that violent, regardless of the timeline. Of course with me being invisible I have nothing to worry about but when it comes to Twilight and Spike, it looks like Fluttershy is dead set on killing them.

For now I must get going. I have to hope that two former element bearers don't wind up killing Twilight and sacrificing Spike to whatever deity it is that they likely worship. Don't worry, I'll do part two soon!