Hello everypony, it is your Supreme Overlord Celestia again and I'm very impressed with all of you. You've all paid your taxes, you've worshiped me as is dictated by law and the editor of the Fillydelphia Daily News wrote an editorial praising me about what a wonderful ruler I am, not to mention she put a lot of emphasis on how sexy I am too! Because of all this, I've decided to give you my synopsis of "Twilight's Kingdom Parts 1 and 2."

As you all know I recently ended a few days with Fluttershy in my sleeping chambers and I am now back up here in the Crystal Empire to meet with the delegation from Maretonia. Why the hell couldn't we have just did this immediately after the Equestria Games, they were already here. Talk about wasteful spending and wasting my time. If Cadence had half a brain she would have had them stay and I could have still had Fluttershy in my sleeping chambers. Oh well, princess life can be a bitch at times.

One bit of good news though, Twily and her friends have came too. For Twilight it was mandatory because she has to smile and wave while those lesser equines from abroad come here for this pointless visit. Alright, Twilight has two jobs while she is up here. One is to smile and wave while the dignitaries make their glorified appearance and the other is to make me happy. With any luck, she'll get those done, we can head home and start from what I understand could be up to eleven months in my sleeping chambers! Now that sounds very nice, almost a year with my Twily, woo-hoo!

Here we go, this ceremony is going on as it usually would until I see something, something that I despise. Get this, Cadence had the audacity to have Flash Sentry announce the arrival of the Maretonian royalty. Apparently that little bitch did not listen to my warning after the situation when she took him down to Ponyville. Alright, that's it. Even though he never spoke to or even saw Twilight, THAT GUARD IS FINISHED! While I'm up here on royal business I may as well add "kill a worthless guard" to my list. He ain't the only one who is going to suffer. Remember that Twicane from the season premiere? Well I have it and let's just say that Cadence isn't going to like what I plan on doing with it!

Alright, now that I've made my plans for this let's move on shall we. Ok, my Twily is wallowing in self-pity wondering what her role is as a princess in Equestria. Guess what Twily, your role as a princess in Equestria is KEEPING ME HAPPY! Isn't that enough for you or do you want some sort of role where you'll be glorified with your own castle, have your picture on our currency or what? You're already the most popular princess which is something that has both Luna and I pissed so get over it.

Now it's time for a song. Yeah I know, I along with my fellow princesses have to sing a song to make Twily feel better. Yeah I know it is corny and shit but hey, we have to make her feel better and something is telling me not to bring her into my bedroom tonight. I don't know what the hell it is so despite my desires, I resisted. One thing the animators could not show though was Cadence making Shining Armor sleep in the barracks so that she and her "favorite" aka only sister-in-law can do some very noisy family bonding.

After listening to Cadence and Twilight squealing and moaning in the bedroom above me for nearly two hours straight, I finally was able to get to sleep but I had a horrible nightmare. It was about this unicorn carrying oranges in a rather dark, scary place when he runs into this thing in a cape. Well this thing identifies itself as Tirek and sucks all the magic out of this poor unicorn and then he grew.

I woke up terrified, I have never had such a bad dream. Apparently my sister must have had the same dream too because she came barging in my room but the bad thing is that this was no dream, it was a vision. Shit, the worst villain in the history of Equestria has found a way out of Tartarus and is hell bent on enslaving us all. I don't know what the hell we're going to do to stop him but I do know one thing, this will likely be the last raunchy night Twilight and Cadence will have for a while.

Now that we know what has happened I really need to share a little story with everypony, something from the distant past involving our enemy. Long ago, Tirek and his brother Scorpan came to Equestria from a distant land intent on stealing Equestrian magic. Come to think of it though, the land they came from looks a lot like that place across that gorge from the edge of Equestria, the place where that huge flower was so perhaps it isn't such a distant land after all.

It wasn't long after they came here that Scorpan showed he had a heart and started befriending the ponies, including Starswirl the Bearded. Scorpan tried to convince his dumb fuck brother that they should just quit this shit and go home but of course the fucker just had to say no so Scorpan did what any good individual would do, he alerted my sister and I to the problem so we could handle it. After that Scorpan went home and his bastard brother was thrown into Tartarus for his crimes.

Now for something that has really pissed me off. My sister and I have come to the conclusion that Tirek escaped when Cerberus left his post. You know what that means? It means that after we get Tirek put back down where he belongs that I will have another punishment to dish out. Not only will Flash Sentry die and Cadence get violated with the Twicane but a certain three headed mutt is going to wind up losing his nuts. Hey, he left his post and he must be punished and you know how much most males value their nuts, right? Well after this, he won't have them anymore! That will teach him to go thinking he can leave his post without repercussions!

Alright, back to the present. Well it seems as though my sister and Cadence think that Twilight is the one to take care of this problem but I have a different idea. Remember how I had Fluttershy reform Discord? I decided that he would be the one to take care of this since he can sense magical imbalances and besides, I didn't have him released from his stone prison AND have him reformed for shits and giggles. Despite Luna, Cadence and Twilight protesting, I summoned him and gave him the details on what he needs to do. At first he didn't want to do what I asked of him but after threatening that I would violate Fluttershy with the Twicane for the whole off-season, he was more than ready to take this mission on.

Now that I have told Twilight of my plans, she goes home all pissy and tells her friends of who I'm going to have take care of this. Yes most of them are skeptical but Fluttershy seems to think he will do it and not fuck up. I know my Twily is upset so she decided to go out to my old castle. I was secretly hoping she would go out there alone so we could have some fun but she just had to take her friends with her, dumb bitch anyway.

It wasn't long until they would get out by the Tree of Harmony when who should show up? This is sad, Discord comes floating down like some Mary Poppins wannabe with that umbrella. What is worse is that he somehow got a hold of the journal that my girls have been keeping all season. Normally I would think this is funny but I did not give him permission to spy on them, well ok I might have but I didn't want him to keep the damn thing!

Now on to more important matters. Remember that chest from when Twilight and her friends had to give the Elements back to the tree? Well Discord is either very observant or is rubbing it in my girls' faces that they have yet to open it. Well no shit Discord, they already know that! Now it is a matter of what is in it. I'm going to be honest, even I don't even know what is in it! It could be a VIP pass into my sleeping chambers for any mare who has it, assuming she meets my standards of course! Maybe it is a recipe for cake that I'm sure to love! Personally I'd rather it be the latter since hot mares don't need a special VIP pass to see me. Maybe we'll find out what it is eventually.

Now it appears as though Discord is actually being useful! He has bookmarked certain parts of that book that are important to him and maybe what my girls might need to open that thing, get what I hope is a great cake recipe and make me a very happy princess! Now my Twily thinks that the answer on how to open that chest is somewhere in the castle. Yeah Twily, that's what you thought when you went out there and discovered that secret chamber but that wasn't the case. What do you think is going to happen, it will just magically show up?

While my girls are searching aimlessly for answers, it looks like Discord has discovered a way to lure Tirek to him so he can capture him or do whatever it takes to defeat him, taking the form of a pony. Now I discover something that is a bit disturbing, not only do Discord and Tirek know one another, it seems as though at one point in the past they were friends! Well maybe this will work to my advantage, he can lull Tirek into a false sense of security, I can sneak up behind him with a sword and slash his throat. That would be one death I'm sure everypony would celebrate! Hell even the naive human children and their uptight parents in Lyra's comic books would like that!

Well shit, this isn't looking good. Tirek is trying to sway Discord to join him instead of defeat him. Crap, if this happens things may really go downhill in Equestria, they may get so bad that not having any cake might be the least of my concerns. In the end, my worst nightmare came true as Discord decided to join Tirek. Perhaps my sister was right when she opposed me calling on Discord to do this. I suppose now I have to get a hold of Twilight and tell her that she is needed up here in Canterlot.

While I am contemplating what I should really do, my Twily has discovered something. She has discovered that the answers they need are in their journal. Wow, it took my supposedly smart princess this long to figure it out? I knew it from the moment they started keeping the damn thing that it would aid them in something big like this. After discovering this they go back to Ponyville and get the items they have received this season. I'm not sure if they will be of any use but we'll see.

Back to the tree they go after getting their items and I'll be honest, I don't see how those things could provide any clue as to where these very important keys are. I swear, Pinkie must be a complete idiot if she thinks that stupid rubber chicken is going to give any clues. What is she going to do, have Twilight cast a come to life spell on it and expect it to start talking? If she does hopefully it will say this despite me not having the keys, "Twilight, the keys are in Celestia's sleeping chambers! You, Rarity and Fluttershy must go up there, make her happy and she'll hand them over!"

Get this though, Pinkie throws that damn thing at the chest and oh my goodness, that rubber chicken is one of the keys! I suppose Cheese Sandwich isn't quite as much of an undesirable as I thought but that still doesn't remove him from my shit list. He did make Pinkie cry after all. Now they wonder about the other items and as it turns out they are keys too! Sweet, now they can open it, get that recipe and make me a cake! Oh wait, there is one missing. Since Twilight has been a lazy bitch this season she hasn't taught anypony how to be better so she never got anything and thus doesn't have her key. Damn it, I wanted to have at least one more good cake along with lavender icing before we're all enslaved by Tirek.

Now that we know that they have all but one key I have decided to send a message telling Twily to get her ass up here and unfortunately for both of us, it isn't for a little bit of fun. The message was marked urgent so did she hurry up and get here, you bet she did! Once she arrived I had to break the news to her about Discord betraying the ponies of Equestria.

Now there is something the animators could never show, her tirade after I told her. She yelled, "Celestia you fucking cunt! Luna, Cadence and I told you having him do this would only lead in disaster but you just have to be a dense sunbutt didn't you? If we all get enslaved by some dumb fuck centaur, it will be all your fault!" She smacked me and continued, "If we manage to survive this, it will be YOU who gets violated with that fucking Twicane during the off-season and trust me, I'll make sure it hurts like hell!"

I was shocked that Twilight would go off on me like that and I was even more surprised when Cadence and Luna said that they would join her. I don't know what would be worse, being enslaved to Tirek or having three very angry princesses violating me with an inanimate object. And when I told her about Tirek being able to steal flight from pegasi and strength from earth ponies, she only got madder.

But there is one thing that might stop him from getting too powerful and I know it is taking a risk but us Alicorns are going to have to rid ourselves of our magic somehow so Tirek can't steal it. Yeah Twilight wound up being real nervous about it but we really don't have any other choice.

Now if you will excuse me, I am extremely worried. I am afraid Tirek will either enslave us OR we will defeat Tirek but Twilight will molest me with that Twicane for nearly a year non-stop. All I can do is pray to Mother Faust that I can avoid both fates, pray that we beat Tirek and pray that Twilight will spare the rod....I mean Twicane.