Hi everypony, this is your supreme dictator Celestia and all of you have behaved quite well recently so I have decided that I will share with you my synopsis of A Bird in the Hoof.

Well here we start out with Fluttershy again showing that she cares way too much for those animals and not nearly enough about me. Ugh, what pony in their right mind would allow a disgusting family of mice to live in their home? Does Fluttershy not realize that those things carry diseases and are downright nasty? I'm thinking I will avoid her cottage for a while, well at least until she evicts those dirty little vermin. Having a demon rabbit is one thing, but rodents are one thing I don't want to have to be exposed to.

Speaking of demon rabbits, along comes Angel. The way he is panicking you'd think he is worried that I'm coming and he is urging his owner to clean her cottage. Well the clock tower strikes four and the sexiest of Twilight's friends is just standing there completely clueless. Now why would she be completely clueless, it's just a damn clock going off. Suddenly it's her, she has an event she must attend, an event in which I will be present. Now she realizes what is going on and gets ready to go. But what does she do, she keeps on running back and forth thanking Angel. Finally the demon rabbit locks her out so she'll come to my event. I am shocked, that demon rabbit has done something useful! Don't tell anypony this but had Fluttershy not shown up, I would have tied her to a chair and forced her to watch me screw Rarity and Twilight tonight.

Well I have learned one thing about Rainbow. She must be incredibly stupid if she thinks she can get into my royal guard. One thing she doesn't realize is that I only allow stallions into the guard. Yes I tend to think that males are the "lesser sex" but they sure the hell are useful when it comes to being guardsponies. Oh and Rainbow, being in the guard does pay well, well as long as you are higher ranked. The newbies only get room and board. Making them stay on the base keeps them out of trouble.

Ok, now on to the party. Well after a bit of trouble with my guardsponies, Fluttershy was finally able to get in. When I saw she arrived I was both happy and irritated. I was happy because I would get to watch her flank sway back and forth as she walked BUT I was irritated that she was late! She was tardy and you know how I feel about tardiness!

I know Twilight wants me to approve of her friends but come on, I've met them before and I know some of them a lot better than the others, a lot better! I'm not sure what is wrong with Applejack but she can't bring herself to eat anything, Rarity is freaking out over something getting on her dress (big surprise) but what pissed me off was that Pinkie had the audacity to eat MY cupcake! She better be happy that she did this in a social setting where half the town was present. Had she done that anywhere else, her ass would have been on the moon ASAP.

Enough about Twilight's other friends, Fluttershy comes to talk to me! I'm always happy when I get to talk to her but I'm still irked she invests so much time and energy into a bunch of dumb rodents who never thank her in return. Well I brought my pet with me and she seems curious as to what she is. Well I don't mention it because it simply didn't cross my mind. Well I get notified that the mane dying dingbat mayor wants to speak to me. Great, just great. Here I was about to tell Fluttershy I needed to see her after this party but royal duties call. I'll tell you one thing, if that mayor wants to get laid it ain't happening. I'd rather have to hoof myself for all eternity than get it on with her ugly ass.

Well the Cakes get to cleaning everything while the other ponies leave. Little did I know that a disaster was about to strike. What is even worse is that the events that were about to unfold would happen while I would be ignoring the mayor and fantasizing about Fluttershy as she flapped her jaw. From what Luna saw up in Canterlot, I seriously wished that the mayor would have left me alone.

From what Luna told me she saw Fluttershy steal MY pet, she stole Philomena. Luna told me that she was going to come down and stop her but figured that I gave Fluttershy permission to care for her. Oh boy, now Fluttershy is going to pay! Nopony takes anything of mine without me giving them permission. I don't know how I will do it but I'll tell you one thing, despite me loving her, she must be punished and punished severely!

Ugh I wish Luna would have came down here and rescued Philomena. I know Fluttershy meant well but the things she would do to my pet infuriated me. For starters, she obviously doesn't know much about taking care of a patient. She covers my precious Philomena up until she overheats, then uncovers her and puts an ice bag on her head until she freezes. Here's an idea, instead of doing that bring her back where she belongs. Ugh Fluttershy, you are not going to like what I have planned for you, Tartarus for a week perhaps?

Next up she wants to shove a pill down my pet's throat! What if she were allergic to it and it killed her? If that would have happened I would have killed Fluttershy, found a different sexy and kind pegasus and replaced her. Luckily that didn't happen and Fluttershy soon learned that ordinary bird seed did not sit well with her. Memo to Fluttershy: Philomena only eats the finest bird seed imported from Saddle Arabia, not that low grade shit you feed your birds. No wonder she threw it up.

And also, she tries to feed her some nasty soup, well that ain't happening! Philomena won't eat that shit either, got that Flutters? Just as I prefer your fine nectar over that of lesser mares, my bird only likes the best soup. So now you think a humidifier is going to help? Well you obviously don't know anything about phoenixes now do you? Aromatherapy? Hell that shit makes me gag so she sure the hell ain't going to like it. Another thing that proves Fluttershy is a ditz is that she puts my phoenix in a tub of water. Once again, stupid.

Now during all this Philomena has been shedding her feathers, like phoenixes always do towards the end of their life cycle. Now this is where I do a facehoof, Fluttershy is taping the feathers back on her. I'm thinking it is time to strip her of her veterinary license. Nopony in their right mind would think doing that would help.

So now Twilight is headed over to see Fluttershy, probably to have some fun with her to prep for tonight. You know how my Twily is, she always likes to be ready and a bit of practice will ensure that she won't screw up. Sadly for her things may not turn out so well. Twilight all of a sudden decides what is best for my pet. She forces that pill down her throat! Ok Twilight, you've screwed up and regardless of how things turn out, somepony's going to get punished tonight and it will NOT be in my sleeping chambers just in case you're wondering!

Well my guard goes and tells Twilight that my bird is missing. Guess what you moronic hacks, she already knows that! Once they leave the fun part arrives, trying to return Philomena to her cage. I must say, Philomena is a chip off the old block as she would not make this easy. So a chase ensues and the same twangy country music the writers always use goes on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they keep on thinking they'll catch her but they can't. It's not surprising though considering the animators forgot to show that ten minute make-out session those two engaged in.

Well finally, despite lacking almost all her feathers, Philomena finds her way up to the top of a pony statue and after some of the melodramatic death scene acting, she falls and bursts into flames. Oh boy, Fluttershy is in for it now! I am going to charge her with first degree murder of a royal pet. The punishment: Death by fire in town square. This will teach everypony that you do not steal my pet and kill it!

Well I show up and see that Fluttershy is obviously distraught over this so maybe I will spare her my wrath, key word, maybe! So now Twilight and Fluttershy are both claiming responsibility. They are so adorable bickering like this I have decided to let them both live, despite being responsible for the death of my bird. Now for the fun part! They didn't kill Philomena but they don't need to know that, yet! So I go over, told Philomena's ashes to stop being such a bitch and reform. Now everypony's happy but the little miss hot shit animal mare still doesn't know what she is, nor does my little miss hot shit student. Perhaps I need to "educate" the two sometime!

Ok Fluttershy, I get it, you learn you shouldn't steal something without permission and next time you plan on committing larceny, you'll ask permission first. I doubt you'll get it but I'll spare the rod for now. While it was funny to see Philomena to make my guardsponies laugh, what was even funnier was the priceless look on Twilight and Fluttershy's faces when I loaded Rarity up on my chariot and left them home. Hey, the worst she did was whine about her dress being in danger. Let's just say that having Rarity all to myself was fun, very fun.

Now just leave me alone, I am grieving because I only get to keep Rarity for a few more days before she has to engage in whatever stupid shit it is that she does with her friends. The less time I have to deal with you is the more time I can focus on my slutty fashionista.