Hello my beloved subjects, I am in an extremely good mood and you have all paid your taxes, contributed to society and worshiped me so I shall give you my synopsis of A Dog and Pony Show.

Well we start out with Rarity working in her shop, most likely making some slutty outfit to try to impress me in when who comes in her shop but Sapphire Shores! I'm going to admit, I'm such a huge fan. I don't know how Rarity found her way into Clothes Whore magazine or why Sapphire would read it but she decided to see if Rarity had anything worthy of her purchasing. I'm in shock, Rarity shows her a spectacular outfit covered in gems that is not slutty and of course Sapphire wants it! Bad thing, she wants six of the things all done in a different gem pattern and Rarity is out of gems. Now Rarity has to go out and look for more gems.

As you all know I enjoy stirring up trouble every now and then so while Sapphire was paying our fashionista a visit I paid a visit to some gem loving dogs out in the desolate wastes where Rarity finds her gems. I told them that they need to kidnap Rarity for illegally harvesting resources out of Equestrian soil. I gave them an ultimatum, it was either do what I say or die. That got them to agree in a hurry.

Now Rarity is going out into the hills to gather gems and of course she was easily able to convince Spike to go with her and pull the wagon. I'm sure Spike was thinking he would get to push the wagon in her for doing this but the most he'll get is a couple gems. I swear, those dogs must be incredibly stupid. I explicitly told them that they are to kidnap a WHITE UNICORN when she is out harvesting gems yet they think it is the dragon who is the gem hunter. If I didn't want to give my plans away I would have went down there and turned those mutts into dog food but finally they see that it is little miss priss that they need to abduct so they do exactly as I instructed them.

Naturally this terrified both Rarity and her little slave and while he did his best, Spike could not stop the diamond dogs from dragging her down a hole in the ground. Well Spike runs off to Faust only knows where. Maybe he headed off to hang himself for failing to save his crush. Well next Twilight and her friends are heading out into the hills to try to save Rarity and we find out how they know. Thankfully when Spike ran off he went and told his primary master and her friends rather than hanging himself. If he would have hung himself that would have sucked because then I would either have to personally deliver messages to Twilight or send them through the mail and when urgent messages need to be sent, that would not have worked.

Well now they discover a ton of holes and they begin to conjure up visions of what might have happened to Rarity before trying to get down them. You know, had they just tried to get down the holes immediately they would not have had such a hard time getting underground. Sadly for them, they were unable to get in the ground until most of the holes were filled up, except one. Now here is something funny. After Rarity had gathered enough gems she gave Spike a gem to prevent him from wanting to screw her but I know after that he wanted to do that more than ever.

Now where that comes into play, Spike sees one unfilled hole and decides to use it as bait to lure the dogs out and of course while he is doing this he is fantasizing over how he will save Rarity. Oh yeah, Spike has to overcompensate in this fantasy. He is a bigger dragon yet still stands like a little one with some sort of rod to keep the dogs at bay. Like in every other fantasy he dreams of doing shit he has no way of doing and in the end it is his fire breath that scares the dogs off. Next up, he goes in and kisses Rarity. The show inaccurately portrayed that though. In his real fantasy he banged her, knocked her up, she gave birth to unicorn/dragon hybrids and then he cried his eyes out when I banished him and the little beasts to the moon. Well now that we're past that and we know that Rarity won't fall prey to a horny little dragon, let's move on shall we?

Finally those dumb mutts take the bait and pull Twilight and her friends down the hole and while they are on their way to the bottom most bowels of this hideous place, Rarity has become the slave of the diamond dogs, just like I wanted! Oh I'm going to admit, the events that will soon unfold will prove to me that Rarity is either a lot smarter than I thought OR that those diamond dogs are incredibly stupid....chances are it will be the latter.

They order her to start finding gems and of course she does so but when asked to dig them up, she barely drags her hoof over the ground. Now comes the time that she actually proves her intelligence. Eventually those dumb dogs have their unintelligent hacks digging up the gems but alas, Rarity still has to pull the wagon, for now. Pretty soon the diamond dogs begin to piss her off with their disrespect. I don't blame Rarity for being upset over how they treat her. I would be pissed too if I were being called "pony" all the time. Luckily since I am an all powerful Alicorn Sun Goddess, I don't have to worry about falling into the trap she did. What a shame Rarity didn't even have ten percent of the magical abilities of Twilight. If she did, she could have teleported herself out of this mess.

Now for the funny part, she starts complaining about anything and everything. Well if she were in any other situation I would say she was bitching but this is different. Now the idiot dogs think she is whining and what does she do? She starts whining in the most horrid sounding voice! It was so loud and hideous that I had to cover my ears all the way up here. Believe it or not though, her whining is what begins to drive them nuts and eventually she gets them to treat her like royalty. Oh boy, now I am pissed. Yes this is aiding in her cause but NOPONY with the exception of Luna and me are to be treated like royalty. Once this is over, those dumb dogs are in for a world of hurt.

One thing that is quite funny though is those dogs trying to pull those wagons full of gems, barely being able to move them and sweating like stuck pigs and well now Rarity's princess moment is over. The diamond dogs realize that doing that was not their job, it was Rarity's so she is back to pulling the wagon, well until they smack the bitch and call her a mule, causing her to cry and whine. I almost feel sorry for Rarity. Key word, almost!

Well her whining and crying is finally heard by her friends and I can see the wheels turning in Spike's head. He probably thinks he can score with her if he saves her but before he can even attempt that the diamond dog's minions capture Twilight and her friends and think they have more work horses. Well I'm thinking Applejack must have taught them all a thing or two about being rodeo ponies because they bucked those big mutts off of them. Now it is Spike's time to shine! He grabs a piece of rock from the ceiling and yells, "Hi ho Twilight, I gotta go screw Rarity, AWAY!" Well that was in the unedited version. The unedited versions are always funner but unfortunately Hasbro won't let those be seen.

Just as Twilight storms through the door and thinks he's gonna score with Rarity, the dogs are running away! What a role reversal, now the diamond dogs are the ones that are whining! Well those dogs did get one thing right, she is picky, critical and won't stop talking. It is that pickiness that will prevent Spike from ever having a chance with her. Well the dogs give her back and then they do something really STUPID. They let Rarity and her friends take six huge wagons of gems with them! Why the hell wouldn't they just keep them. I have decided because of their stupidity, that I am going to take them to the vet after this episode is over! If they are that dumb they shouldn't be procreating.

So they leave and Twilight decides to say her friendship letter to me in her thoughts. Yeah I've gotten to where I can read her mind from afar so she doesn't have to waste paper by having Spike send me scrolls. This was not a matter of a "defenseless pony" using her wits to outsmart and outshine them all. This was a matter of me choosing the wrong diamond dogs to stir up trouble. I should have found some smart ones to abduct her instead. Oh well, Rarity got her gems for those outfits and that's all that matters.

Speaking of those gems and the outfits, Sapphire looked great in them when she was up here in Canterlot. I am shocked Rarity could make six great outfits like that that provide modesty but she did. Maybe I'll let her join Twilight and Fluttershy the next time they see me, maybe!

Regarding the diamond dogs, I took them to the vet to be neutered. I don't need them fathering more diamond dogs because they would likely be just as dumb as them. As an added bonus, I had their overgrown buddies neutered as well. They're all dumb and I don't need more of them running around either. No leave me be you peons, I have things to see and ponies to do!