It’s Friday night, and your parents are going out. Again. They try to hush their conversation near the front door, but they underestimate the power of your young ears.

"Are you sure he's going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine sweetie. Let's just go on our night out and enjoy ourselves."

"I don't know, dear. I heard some things from the girls at work about this babysitter..."

"I'm sure they’re just rumors. Let's just relax and have a nice time. Alright?"

They jump out of their hushed tones and you hear them make their way towards the front door.

"We will be home late, Anon! Be good for the sitter! I love you!"

"Love you too, Mom! Bye, Dad!" you call after them.

You hear the front door open and close with a slam. And just like that, your parents have left you home alone. The new babysitter should be here any second, you know that. Still, you nervously wonder who it will be this time.

Last time it was that weird princess horse that like, was super nice and stuff, but she began to get kind of... weird? Weird is the best way to say it. She would use the phone and call this stallion called Shining and then talk to him like he was a baby. It was mad uncomfortable yo.

So here you are, a young colt. Definitely not a young human male. You can tell because of the way that you are. With the hooves and ears and cutie mark of a human body, even though you have no idea what a human is. It's really best not to dwell on the implications.

So instead you sit in front of your television screen, playing Daring Doo. You've gotten pretty good at it, if you say so yourself. You're working on a positively sick 96 exit speedrun that you heard about from your friends at school.

You're just about to snag some 1ups when you hear two gentle knocks on the door.

"Come in it's-"

And then the door slams open, falls off the hinges, and smashes to the floor with a crash.

"JESUS CHRIST."

"HALLO ANERN IERM LYLER YER BABYSEETEER."

"YOU BROKE THE DOOR."

"IS OKAY I FIX."

Lyler has a gentle urine colored glow from her horn and she lifts the door off the ground. she slams the door into the wall horizontally, and it sticks there. Your jaw drops. What the hell?!

"Lyler. That's now how doors work."

"IS OKAY IS GAME NOW. LEMME SEE THAT DICK."

You blink.

Oh no.

Ohhh no.

This is some serious stranger danger, parent's night out shit.

"Uh. No?"

"OKAYYYY. WHAT GAME YOU PLAY?"

"Uh. I'm just," You look back to your Daring Doo game, the speedrun clearly not important anymore. "Daring Doo?"

"YOU GONNA DARING DOO THIS POOSEY."

Lyler leaps onto the air and lands firmly on you, her butthole gently pressing itself onto your nose. The succulent smell of rotting fishheads and copper fill your nostrils as you suppress the urge to vomit.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" you shout, pushing her off of you. "HOW ABOUT WE DO DINNER."

"HOORAY I MAKE SALAD." Lyler screams.

The mare picks you up by the scruff of your neck and plants you in a chair at the kitchen table. You can feel every single strand of your fur stand on end as Lyler opens the fridge and pulls out a bowl of browning salad with a yellow-white clumpy dressing all over it.

"NOW IMMA TOSS UR SALAD."

Lyler then slips under the table and crawls under your chair.

"OKAY. THIS IS BAD TOUCH," you scream. You jump off the chair and rush underneath your front door. You gallop as fast as you can through the night air, but you hear the horrendous screeching "LEEEDLEEEDDLEEEELEEEE" behind you quickly gathering speed.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" you scream as the houses slowly turn to buildings.

"I FUGGGED URRR DAAADDDDD," Lyler calls menacingly.

You turn down an alleyway, hoping to lose her. However you're halfway down when you notice it. A brick wall. You're trapped. You turn, and standing at the end of the alleyway is a stallion with a malevolent smile, and bright green eyes.

"Hey kid," he murmurs. "Wanna /ss/?"

"What does ss mean?" you ask.

"HEY THAT'S MY BOYTOY!" screeches the autismo avenger.

Lyler stands directly behind the stallion. The stallion turns in mild surprise.

"Why don't you walk on home little mare?" he whispers forcefully. "I wouldn't want you to get... hurt."

"NOBODY HURT MY FLESH DILDO."

Lyler's eyes squint. Her horn glows, illuminating the whole alley.

Then Lyler pulls out a fucking knife and stabs THE SHIT OUT OF him.

"JESUS CHRIST." you and the stallion scream in unison as he falls to the ground, blood bleeding out everywhere.

"I LERVE U ANERN. WILL YOU BE MY SON?"

"THIS IS FUCKED UP!"

"THIS IS PRETTY MUCH AN ACCURATE RETELLINNNGGGG" LYLER screams while charging you. She leaps on top of you and burps in your face.

Thats when something triggers inside of your brain. There's no use fighting. There's no point. Why not love Lyler? Why not embrace the insanity. Every day we grow farther and farther from God's light. Yes. Lyler is your Mom now. Lyler is your God. You let her essence fill you. Her burp gases fill your nose and lungs, and your heart.

"OwO?" you whisper.

"YESSS." Lyler says in pride. "MAH BOI."

"OWO WATS DIS?" you screech.

It's just then that Celestia shows up for some fucking reason. Talking about orbs and some shit.

"I should have ended this seven chapters ago," Celestia mumbles. "You're a cancer that I can't allow to live in this fiction-verse anymore."

Celestia charges her horn. And Lyler charges hers. They both release massive beams of light like some sort of crazy dragonball z action scene that was probably cut from the original story BUT PENCIL CANT STOP ME FROM REMOVING THIS TIME.

"Priest what the fuck are you doing?"

"N-nothing. It's a request for Vylon."

"Are you doing Dragonball Z action scenes again?"

"Noooooo."

"Okay."

So Then Lyler jumps out of the way of Celestias oncoming energy blasts and screams loudly. Not to raise her power level or anything, but more because it's lyler.

Lyler pulls out her knife to stab Celestia, but Celestia's plot armor deflects the blow.

"HAH!" Celestia screams. "This is why I always cover my ass!"

Celestia boops Lyler and she falls to the floor, cumming all over the place. Defeated.

Celestia walks up to you, because you're relevant to the story again.

"What just happened? OwO?"

Celestia sighs and shakes her head.

"I've failed you, you poor colt."

"I-I don't understand. Is this for snuggles? (^u^)"

Celestia blinks.

"Oh shit I kinda get it now," she whispers.

"Get what?"

Celestia leans closer to you with a malevolent smile.

"Hey kid, wanna /ss/"

Just then, Princess Cadance walks around the corner and sees a dead body on the ground, A princess hitting on a small, furry child and a mare that's uncontrollably cumming.

"NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL QUALITY FANFICTION," she says with a wink.