Author's Notes:

Author’s note: Sorry this is so late, HAPPEH BURFDAY PRIESTIE-BOY.

Home.

You had once thought it would be impossible, and yet, here you were.

It had only been a few years stuck in Equestria, about twenty or so mare friends and a couple stallion friends (eh, don’t judge). You used them to get over the fact you thought you were never going home…

So why did you not feel all that happy?

Sure, you had lots of regular friends back in Equestria too, not just friends with benefits. It was a lot simpler of a life, that was for sure. The hussle and bussle of the city you lived in was but a distant memory back in Ponyville. It was always so peaceful and quiet, with the only thing you had to worry about was what to have for dinner, or Lyler, but since returning home you’ve blocked her from memory.

Here, back home, you had a lot more responsibilities. A lot more stress. Instead of the cheery, happy ponies you’re back to the grumpy, annoyed humans.

The shitty neighborhood you lived in was still the same, and you were a little surprised to find your place still intact. Then again, with how little everyone else cared about their homes’ appearances yours fit in well after being abandoned for a few years. Although you had a window ajar in the back, and when you first walked inside it was full of cats.

Fucking cats.

So you chased them all out, having to break up a few pussy fights, and while watching them were somewhat entertaining, it would then lead into a full blown cat orgy.

Yeah… no thanks.

Your previous employer was no more. They apparently went under, and your boss committed suicide because he was caught embezzling a lot of money. Or at least, the official reports state it was a suicide, using cement blocks as weights on his feet in the local lake. Meh, you didn’t care for the guy anyway. It’s taken you a few days, but you found a job and are on the road to get your bills back in order.

Why they didn’t evict you after so long you didn’t know, but hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

You let out a sigh, sitting comfortably in your couch. It took you three hours to get all the cat hair off the thing, and even then it still stinks.

Suddenly, there was a knocking at the door. Odd, who would know you were back yet? You haven’t even told your parents yet… or if you even do.

Getting up, you walked over to your door and opened it. No one’s there, but sitting on your porch was a small box, with crude marker written on the front.

Gib 2 Gud Hoem

That… uh… okay? So… should you open it? Because, judging by the writing it looked like a child did it. As you lift the box, you can tell there’s some weight to it, and whatever it was shifted inside.

“If it’s another fucking cat…” you muttered, stepping inside with the box and closing your door behind you.

You took it over to your dining table, brushing aside the Everest of stacks of mail, you set the box down. It looked pretty normal, no shipping labels or address on it. You placed your ear against it. While you didn’t hear anything, it had a very familiar scent. You’ve smelled this smell before. It’s a smelly smell that smells… smelly.

Then, with horror upon your face you recognized it…

“Chicken tenders…” you whispered aloud.

The top of the box opens, causing you to jump back. Inside, a small mint green filly with an extremely messy silver and green mane pops out. Her golden eyes are huge, staring into your soul as they burn away any hope for your sanity.

“HI ANERN! LOOKS, I’MMA LITTLE LYLER NOW!”

With stock horror, you realized she’s about the size of a filly. Further investigation shows that she didn’t have a cutie mark either. What was it to begin with? You spent as little time staring at her flanks as possible, as in, like, none at all. You were too busy staring at actually attractive mare’s flanks. Damn did you suddenly miss Rainbow Dash’s athletic, tight, firm…

“HEY ANERN, IS ME FILLY TURN YOU ON?”

Oh God I’m getting a boner!

You quickly pulled your overshirt down in a failed attempt to hide the bulge from under your pajama slacks. Damn Rainbow Dash and her magnificent flanks…

“L-lyler! What are you doing here. How did you even get here? And why are you a young filly?”

“I LURVE YOU ANERN, I NEED YOU. ALSO MISTER BOOM BOOM SAYS HI.”

“Oh God is he here too?”

“NO, HE COULDN’T LEAVE HIS KIDS.”

“Mister Boom Boom has kids?”

“HE’S POOPULAR WITH THE MARES.”

“Ew, that’s gross.”

“WAT YA WANNA DO TODAY, ANERN?”

“Um… I was getting ready for bed.”

“YAY BED TEIM WITH ANERN! NOW I CAN SLEEP WITH YOU AND IT’S NOT WEIRD.”

“No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s still weird.”

“CARRY ME, ANERN-DADDY-SAN.”

You let out a long, tired sigh. This was going to be a long night.

----------

So a few weeks rolled by relatively quiet. Yeah, Lyler was a pain in the ass, always bugging you and making shit weirder than normal, but overall as a filly she wasn't much different than when she was an adult.

The convenient thing was that she was small enough for one of those baby chest pack thingies. Fuck, you didn’t know what they were called, you just saw lots of single dads using them in the park so they could use their hands to hold a smoke and beer, respectively.

Today was shopping day, and after finding enough scrap money in your house, you need some supplies. Lyler happily sat on your chest, snoozing away, drooling. Thankfully she faces away from you, so the only victim is the floor, or the occasional shopper who doesn't see it and slips.

“Lets see… milk, eggs, yogurt, icecream, potatoes, potato chips, chicken-”

“TENDIES?” Lyler suddenly shouted, causing a woman to about faint on the spot.

“Yes, Lyler, tendies too.”

She claped her hooves. “YAY! AND VODKA?”

“No, Lyler, you’re not old enough.”

“THAT’S POOPY.”

Suddenly you felt a tap on your shoulder, so you turn around. Standing there is the store manager, who didn't look happy.

“Sir, we have a strict no pet policy in here, and yours is leaving puddle trails everywhere.”

“Sir, she is not a pet, but a retarded child, and it’s not my fault you wax your floors so smooth that the slightest trace of moisture causes people to slip and fall.”

“She has hooves. That’s a pet.”

“You have no balls, so you’re not a man.”

He frowned. You frowned. Suddenly Lyler scrunches her face.

“MEANIE NO BALLS IS MAKING LYLER SAD.”

The manager looks shocked that she talked. You pet Lyler’s head.

“There there, Lyler, it’s alright. Lets get your tendies and never shop here again.”

“YAY! TENDIES!” You felt her tail wag, smacking your abdomen.

You also can’t help notice the smell radiating from her, and at a shriek from the woman sharing your aisl, you realized the brown stuff being thrown everywhere from her tail wags.

“Damn it, Lyler. I know you’re excited-”

“I LEGALLY CAN’T HAVE ANERN’S PEEN YET!”

“Right, but still, what have I told you about poopies?”

“LET ANERN-SENPAI-SANA-WANNA KNOW.”

“And did you?”

“NO, LYLER SOWWY.”

You pet her on the head again. “Don’t worry, you’ll learn.”

Suddenly, you felt an affectionate rub of her muzzle under your chin. You looked down, and for a few seconds she looked almost normal. Mane clean, eyes normal (well, normal for a huge eyed pony), and she radiateed a feeling of calmness.

Then with another fart she reverted back to Lyler, and you quickly rush to the restroom, leaving your grocery cart near the door. Meanwhile, the rest of the store was trying to get shoppers calm while they cleaned up the mess.

----------

It’s amazing how time flies. It’s been… what, two years? You looked at the old calendar that you’ve yet to replace, then to your phone. Yup. Little over two years.

In that time, you began noticing the absolute filth of your home, and the potential dangers to a child, let alone a retarded mare shrunk filly. So you began to clean. Then one day Lyler put her head through the bathroom wall, so you went to repair it.

Lyler made a odd comment about the color, and as you looked, you realized that she was right. So you remodeled the entire bathroom, even replacing the leaky sink.

As you raised Lyler, taught her, she would try to help you. Of course it always ended in more damage, bodily fluids, and spaghetti everywhere, but you couldn’t help but be proud that she was even trying in the first place. And yet, through it all, you managed with some shocking help from Lyler, to remodel your house and make it look somewhat modern, versus looking like the aftermath of the Kennedy assassination, certica 1963.

A few months ago, you realized that even as an adult, Lyler could barely read or write. Usually she’d just eat pencils. So you took it upon yourself on off times to begin and teach her. Reading was the easiest first, because like mentioned before she’d eat the pencils. She’d outright ignore the invention of pens, saying they’re work of the devil and there for didn’t exist.

You didn’t quite get it, but whatever.

So that’s where you sat, having her read out loud to you, and you kinda got lost in thought when you noticed your callander.

Absentmindedly, you’re petting Lyler as she sat beside you calmly, reading.

“-and she was all over my dick like you wouldn’t believe. It was heaven, pure bliss. I couldn’t believe the little girl that was my neighbor would turn into a dick hungry, sexahaulic once she hit eighteen. We’d bone for hours every day in my swimming pool, her parents none the wiser.”

Of course, you didn’t really have much reading material, but you at least had a good stash of porny mags.

“Good job, Lyler! You’re getting good at this.”

Lyler wagged her tail, all without throwing urine or shit everywhere like she would when excited.

You tried diapers. It was a bad idea… there’s still one stuck to the ceiling in the kitchen. Thankfully the smell’s gone, but it’s still there. The last room in need of renovation.

As you closed the porny mag, you realized that maybe now was the right time for a special gift.

“Hey Lyler.”

“YES ANERN?”

“I got you a present, because you’ve been a good filly.”

“PWESANT? IS IT UR HOT MONKEY DICK?”

“No, Lyler, it’s something even more special.”

Her brain seemed to stall as it struggled to comprehend anything more amazing than your junk. Some of your exes would disagree, but fuck them, they weren’t here.

You reached around the side of the couch, and grabbed a box wrapped up in newspaper. It was duel purpose, both wrapping gifts, and it lined Lyler’s training box.

With a happy squeal, Lyler used her hooves and a little bit of magic to shred the paper, and with her tongue she sliced the box open. That was… weird.

When she opened the box, she stopped, staring at it. After the seconds rolled by and you were feeling kinda awkward, you asked, “Is it okay? I know it’s not really him, but I thought…”

That’s when you saw the filly beginning to cry.

Oh… oh crud, I fucked up.

She looked up to you, and pulled out in her hooves a small, little baby cactus in a orange pot.

“I know you miss him, so I thought this would help, until you get home.”

Lyler jumped into your chest, nuzzling and hugging you like crazy. It would have been a very affectionate moment, had the cactus not been between the two of you.

“Ow, ow, ow, Lyler stop, ow ow ow…”

“MISTER BOOM BOOM JUNIOR. THANK YOU ANERN.” Lyler cried.

Even through the pain, you couldn’t help yourself as you ran your hands down her back, and through her mane. That was, until of the needles got your nipple and you screamed like a little bitch.

----------

Another few years go by, and Lyler’s roughly a tween you figure. Considering she keeps huffing, calling you names, and exceptionally horny all the time. You couldn’t really remember if girls were like that in middle school, but you weren’t very popular anyway so your interactions were limited.

You were kneeling outside your house, pulling weeds. After getting Lyler Mister Boom Boom Junior, she showed some interest in gardening, and plant care, even though that’s a Earth pony thing and she was a unicorn, but whatever.

So the two of you started a garden. Flowers at first, around the house. Then you began to clean up the lawn, keeping it mowed, trimmed nice and neat. Eventually you even tried food, like tomatoes and green beans, along with zucchini and yellow squash. Just not carrots, not anymore, after what you discovered they did to Lyler’s intestinal tract. You shuddered at the memory.

And through it all, Lyler helped. She was maturing well. Scarily well, in fact. A lot of her crazy antics and retardedness were going away, although some things didn’t change.

You heard the school bus stop, and the doors open, allowing Lyler to jump out with her My Little Pony backpack on.

The irony was not lost on you, the bus driver, her teachers, or anyone else in the school. Probably just Lyler. Definitely just Lyler.

“Hey, Anern!”

“Hello, Lyler. How was school today?”

“It was good! I got to use scissors today!”

You blinked.

“Wait, really? And you didn’t cut yourself?”

She shook her head.

“And Miss Sandy let me bring home the class pet rock!” Using her magic, she brought out a small rock, on it painted a crooked smile, along with googly eyes glued on.

You couldn’t help but smile. “Now you know that’s a big responsibility?”

She nodded, setting her backpack on the ground beside you, and putting the rock on top. “I knows! But yous always says that I’m doing good with Boom Boom Junior.”

“That I do, and that you are.”

She looks at the pile of weeds. “Garden done?”

You stand wiping your hands on your legs. “Yeah. Want to go inside for some lemonade?”

Her tail began to wag, excitedly so.

Later that evening, you couldn’t help but watch Lyler playing with both the pet rock, and Boom Boom Junior. The little cactus had been doing exceptionally well, considering it takes almost no care in the world to keep alive, Lyler had been doing everything she could to keep him healthy and clean.

Which, considering her own clean self, was a miracle.

You’re sitting at the dining room table, going over a few of the bills as you occasionally glance her way. You can’t help but notice her still blank flanks. Hrm… come to think of it, you couldn’t even remember what her cutie mark was before. How could you help her, figure herself out and fully mature? Was she behind in pony terms because of her age, and lack of cutie mark?

You never paid enough attention to the foals back in Ponyville, mainly because the Cutie Mark Crybabies were always a constant nag. Hey Anon, let's go bowling. Hey Anon, lets go touch Milky Way’s massive crotch tits.

Oh wait, come to think of it, those three were pretty chill around you. Huh…

Well either way, suddenly there’s a bright flash from the living room, and you rushed over to check on Lyler. To your shock and amazement, she got her cutie mark!

Boom Boom Junior was sporting a small flower, freshly bloomed. The thing had been a bud for so long, you thought it was never going to do so, but now it had, and Lyler’s cutie mark was surely a reflection of-

“Oh what the fuck.”

Her cutie mark was a dumb fucking rock.

In fact, the filly wasn’t even paying any attention to Boom Boom Junior, instead she had the pet rock shoved half way up her cooch.

“Damn it, Lyler, what have I told you about shoving things up there?”

“That it’s reserved for you?”

The lewdness in her voice couldn’t stop your blush. “N-no, damn it, you’re not old enough yet to be doing such things. Now pull that poor pet rock out before it suffocates.”

Lyler does so, the rock dropping to the hardwood floor, missing one googly eye.

“Uh oh… sorry Anern…”

You sigh, going into the kitchen to get the rubber gloves. With a snap of it on your hand, you go back into the living room, the filly’s face both excited and scared.

----------

Well, this was it.

The moving truck was all packed up, and ready to go.

After a good ten years with Lyler, you realized that the house was relatively small. Granted, the two of you could live there peacefully, but with all the expanding businesses and construction going on, the place, and area in general, were a pain in the ass. Traffic was shit, the noise was shit. You work was even turning to shit, but that was fixed with a local branch transfer.

So you found a nice place out towards the country. The house was about the same square footage wise, but it was nestled on a generous ten acres, including a barn. What were you going to do with a barn? Hell if you knew.

You closed the back of the truck, and walked around to the drivers door. You reached your hand into the open window and pressed the horn.

“Come on, Lyler! We’re ready to go!”

From the open front door, you see no movement. Sighing, you walked past the FOR SAIL sign that Lyler had made. The detail of the sign was fantastic, but she still struggled with some spelling.

Walking into the empty house was a strange thing. It had been a long time since you’d seen this place so empty, and that was before Lyler, before Ponyville, or Equestria.

With a small pit in your stomach, you stopped in the living room and notice Lyler sitting in the middle, looking at the floor.

“Lyler? Honey, what’s wrong?”

You hear a sniffle. “I’m… gonna miss it, Anern.”

She was basically an adult now, but she still acted like a child at times. The old Lyler was still in there, from time to time she’d pop her ugly head out and make a mess of things, but more so of the time was this.

Just Lyler. My little Lyler.

I sat down beside her on the floor, looking where she was.

There was a huge gouge out of the wood floor. I remembered when that happened.

“Heh, you’d been here, what, a year and a half when you did that?”

Lyler nodded, still teared up.

You couldn’t help let out a laugh. “I was so mad. I couldn’t believe giving you carrots amounted to that much gas.”

Even through her tears, she joins in on the laughter.

You rub her back, running your hand through her mane.

“Honey, it’s going to be alright. We may not still be here, but we still have all the memories.”

“Yeah, you’s right.” She leans into you, and you continue to pet her.

You’re both silent for several minutes, then you finally stood. She continued to sit there, looking around more at the house. Even after remodeling years ago, there were times where her antics would cause some minor damage, which could easily be spotted.

“Lyler, it’s time to go.”

“Um… Anern?”

“Yeah, Lyler?”

She didn’t say anything, simply held out her front legs.

You rolled your eyes. She was a grown ass mare, and yet once in a while she wanted upsies. You wanted to argue with her, make her act her age and walk, and yet… in her eyes, she was just so sad. She wanted you, Anon.

You scooped her up without a second thought. Damn these ponies were heavy when they got bigger. Or was it you’re just getting that much older?

Before you could reach the door to close it behind you, Lyler’s horn flares and it closed swiftly. You continued to stroke her back as you walk towards the box van. As you near the passenger side door, she opened it as well, and before you could let her go, she leaned into your ear.

“I love you, daddy.”

That… was a new one.

For all these years, Lyler had been adamant on calling you Anern, or some form of the word, and obsessed over oddball things, including your dick, which you’re ashamed to admit you once or twice seriously considered, but never went through with it. Was it because she didn’t have Rainbow Dash’s flanks?

Or was it because, all along, you really knew what Lyler was to you.

“I love you too, my little Lyler.”

----------

You wake up with a start, feeling around your bed for your phone. When you don’t find it, you reach for the bedside lamp, only to knock it off and onto the floor.

“Shit!”

The next thing you touch stabs your hand, causing you to shout in alarm.

You reach the other bedside lamp, and after clicking it on you notice what you touched.

It was Mister Boom Boom… senior?

Suddenly your door is kicked open, and standing there is a panting Lyra.

“Anon! Oh thank Celestia! Lyler’s been going crazy all morning because she couldn’t find Mister Boom Boom!”

“Wait, what the fuck? Lyra? What are you doing here? I’m not in Equestria anymore!”

The mare looked at you confused. “Uh, yeah you are.” Her magic opened the blinds, revealing-

“Oh what the fuck.”

Yup, you’re still in Ponyville. Which could only mean-

Lyler bursts into the room next. “ANERN, YOU TOOK MISTER BOOM BOOM!? IS THIS A BACKSTREAM FAIR?”

So as your morning turned to shit, and you had to deal with two mint green unicorns, one of which was specially challenged, you couldn’t help but think about your dream, and thinking maybe, just maybe, with a little push… some of it could be a reality.

“Oh God damn it LYLER YOU DON’T POOP IN THE TOASTER!”

Well, probably not, but fuck it, it’s better than nothing.